#like I WISH any of the friends I have IRL were interested in men because there are several of them I would date and YET

[bucksboobs]

I do think at some point in the not too distant future, the 911 fandom, at least on Tumblr, is going to have to reckon with the fact that despite M!slash being the main driving force of the fandom, gay men like myself are in the vast minority (I think a recent poll put us at something like 6% but it didn’t separate bisexuals by gender so it’s hard to say how many mlm are actually in the fandom) and in the same way being a gay man doesn’t exempt him from being incidentally or purposefully misogynistic, being some other flavor of the rainbow doesn’t prevent someone from perpetuating homophobia against men who love men.

At some point the jokes about how Tommy is just here for dick or should just get dick and move on (when he’s already made it very clear that he wants a relationship with Buck) are going to start to sound like hypersexual stereotypes of gay men. At some point the constant push to get them to break up as soon as possible and for Tommy to die or get shipped off to Arizona or wherever is going to seem less like regular ship hate and more like wanting a gay male character to be punished for daring to seek a relationship with a man in the first place. We obviously aren’t there yet but I do think we should be aware that it is fast approaching.

[moii3]

My Candy Love New Gen Episode 8- Little Review&Commentary

!Spoilers Ahead!

I'm not that excited while writing this review today because I honestly feel like a lot of people clocked beemov's ass really fast in regards to how innapropriate this whole story was and i respect the good points ppl made. I don't know how much i can add to this discussion then you guys.

No matter how much some members of the fandom might imply we are being dramatic or harsh in our opinions, i don't agree with them at all. And i want a little round of applause to y'all for not letting this slide.

Devon and Thomas are the two characters that change the story's direction in the way of Ysaline choosing to go with them (everyone but Amanda basically) to try to spy on Roy.

I honestly didn't have any opinion about Devon prior to this but being on Thomas's route currently, this whole thing pissed me off. I really think Thomas has a pretty privilege or something because imagine if there was a guy in your office (well, two guys) that suggested you go spy on your naked coworker and they weren't conventionally attractive 😭 Wouldn't you be more creeped off? Just goes to show attractive people be getting away with everything.

Thomas being possibly/probably being neurodivergent has been discussed here before but like, the comments he made and the way he acted was not it. Grown adults acting like spies.

Devon being their boss and still doing that shit to his supposed "friend" was also an hr nightmare.

Amanda won my heart in this episode by having some sense to refuse to go. Everyone acting like she is so stuck up was the only realistic part of this episode tbh. Feeling like you are the only sane person in a work setting is real.

Also beemov making Amanda openly imply this whole idea is off putting and innapropriate makes this whole thing worse. Like you knew what you were doing& how it might have been recieved by writing this.

I played the whole thing towards Thomas's illu to see what happens&how bad the episode went. As i predicted, we didn't see him naked (of course...) and i was relieved this shit didn't get more out of pocket.

Also when it comes to the special scene&illustration, i agree with people saying our romance is moving a little too fast. Like i'm not shaming anyone who says they love quick-paced heated romance stories or games. Nor do i shame people who say they would move fast like this with their date/crush irl. Honestly everyone can do whatever they want as long as they are safe. You do you.

But like is it that crazy not to expect Ysaline being naked in front of the guy she have known for only a few weeks, without not even properly kissing him? (the one on ep 7 doesn't count, come on.)

MCL games usually have more classic slowburn romance elements and i didn't expect this.

I wish i played Amanda's route before but seeing im on this journey with Thomas, i think he has an issue with personal boundaries and this is gonna be pretty interesting..

welp

i think we should start chasing cishet men around with baseball bats.

Elenda and Brune agreeing to go with these freaks..

Stand up queens..

I usually put more illustrations&more commentary to these but i don't feel like this one is going to be long.

There is a month left for the next one so, until next time

xoxo

[moonlightsapphic]

Y'all, I find the reception of XO, Kitty so dissapointing.

TL; DR: The underlying homophobia/biphobia/lesbophobia/misoginy towards Yuri as potential and viable endgame which I don't think would have happened if she were yet another hot guy.

The straight-baiting marketing of this show was absolutely genius and I loved that Jenny Han, who writes the straightest central romances to ever romance (To All the Boys I've Loved Before, The Summer I Turned Pretty), actually initiated a series with such visibly queer storylines and then literally jumped into this sort-of-interracial, sapphic romance centered around a bi+ character. I could see Han trying to be more inclusive in her past on-screen works, but this was incredible.

No you don't understand. There was this point midway through the show where I thought I was in a fever dream and watching wishful fanmade content because I couldn't believe an IRL Netflix show could actually give us this. My mind was blown.

So you'll understand that I was fully bamboozled to see that social media is swamped with Min-ho fangirls pretending like Yuri doesn't even exist. I love Min-ho too, but am I the only one who also saw so many signs that point to a future Yuri x Kitty?

First, for the narrative satisfaction of their moms being best friends in the past!

... and to complete Kitty's coming of age! Kitty, growing up in the cisheteronormative Song-Covey household, made the oversight of initially operating under the assumption that she exclusively likes boys and that she has mastered the art of relationships. That's already been debunked partway by her breakup with her first boyfriend who was supposed to be endgame, and is only going to be sealed further if she ends up with a girl in a long-term relationship. (And no, of course she doesn't have to "end up" with a girl for her queer identity to be valid, but I think it just makes the most narrative sense to have that unfold in the story as her worldview alters.)

Here I present to you: my pet peeves in the XO, Kitty fandom

hyping up parallels between Peter x LJ and Minho x Kitty scenes claiming that this means Minho x Kitty may be endgame. They literally have to reach and dig for those because the most parallels are between Peter x LJ and Yuri x Kitty, right from the scene that they bumped into each other! Kitty has also shown zero romantic interest in Minho so far, as opposed to her very keen interest in Yuri.

People finally addressing the elephant in the room like "Ugh, Yuri is probably going to be endgame. 🙄 I want Minho instead!!" like it's such a disappointing or borderline gross outcome. Yuri is a much more intense enemies-to-lovers character than Minho. She is beautiful, kind, and fun with a little bit of bite, everything that Minho is plus Kitty is falling for her hard.

Being real here—If you think Yuri is a boring love interest or kind of a b*tch while Minho is simply a fun old enemies-to-lovers character, I am begging you to check your biases. You, a straight woman, may only see hostile fictional women as competitiion and hostile fictional men as ... well, kinda hot. However, Kitty is bi+ and she could see them both as viable romantic interests, equally. Yes, Yuri has done more malicious things than Minho, but then again she has had a harder time this academic year than Minho. You are obviously still allowed to like Minho better, as long as you're not dismissing the struggles of and flattening a strong female character. Misoginy and homophobia make an ugly combo, y'all. Trust me, you don't want any part in that.

(Additional unpopular opinion: I'm going to get crucified for this but I genuinely think Kitty is too boring for Minho in the same way that Dae was too boring for Kitty. He seems to be into her only from the Halo Effect. Minho is my child and I squeal whenever he's on screen and I hope to see him finding someone actually fun!)

Saying that Kitty’s crush on Yuri was just a token plot point with no real basis or depth. While there is some unrealistic family drama in the show, it's all still credible. Fiction is supposed to bring in imaginative elements and try to keep things grounded. Regardless, I'm never going to be the person who says that a wild and shocking bi- or gay-awakening is unrealistic. As a queer person, let me tell you that it is just as wild and confusinh for us IRL.

Besides, many cishet people actually do not care if (or is hateful when) the MC is bi, that I doubt how much it “helps” with marketing. (That's why queerbaiting exists, folks.) Also, have you seen Kitty in TATBILB? That's a bi preteen right there if I've ever seen one.

"Stop trying to invalidate other people's ships!" I will say this once: I don't care if you ship Kitty with Min-ho, or Dae, or anyone else that's not Yuri. I DON'T CARE! Frankly, good for you because straight ships have better luck out there anyway, ya know? I am simply begging you to not reduce a queer person's nuanced concerns about dismissal of sapphic fictional characters to petty fandom arguments. Read the room, guys. Please.

This is such a crucial show to many of us. I just want y'all to understand that this is just a little bigger than your celebrity crush on a hot guy whose character you're rooting for. We never, ever get contemporary slice-of-life romcom sapphic rep (and Netflix is notorious for cancelling sapphic shows, too). Please don't be dismissive of a perfectly good possible ending! We want to give Netflix every reason to renew this show, and give Han every reason to allow Kitty to flourish just the way she plans to! (This is me begging y'all to not influence the writers into swerving last-minute towards a sloppy Minho endgame, though I do trust her better than that.)

I hope that Netflix renews the show, even if it's through the excitement of straight people in denial LMAO. And then I hope it treats us with a glorious sapphic ending.*

*(Aaaand I can already imagine the cishet women in the audience complaining online about what a terrible person Kitty is for leading Min-ho on and then dumping him, and how she and Yuri are both awful and totally deserve each other. Music to my ears.)

[eclipsecrowned]

30 for truthful tuesday. [looking at you autistically, microphone in hand] // @umbralined

Pupper wishes to get Kadi in trouble. Kadi will gladly get in trouble over this one.

There is a specific breed of mun, often belonging to a certain demographic but it happens regardless of income education race or gender, who think their muse is God's gift to the community. Whether you find them here on tumblr, in the badlands of forums, or among your discord experiences, it is inevitable that you will meet someone who just cannot handle what their muse actually is.

In their own head, usually because they are hella projecting onto the muse, this muse is the best thing since sliced bread. They are a near perfect copy of the mun -- let's use our former friend [REDACTED] as an example.

All her muses were able-bodied middle class east coast American women who came from military families and were proudly straight Americans whose brand of liberalism was just conservatism lite. And because that muse is so much like her -- and pick any of them, Beth, Elaine, Charlotte, even in fantasy she'd just adapt Veerle or Adamaris to be the super special white gurl foreigner -- this muse is perfect.

This muse does no wrong. Everything this muse does is cool, funny, badass. Everything this muse does is right, even in instances where the audience tries to call out obvious racism, homophobia, classism, unchecked mental illness. This is not a critique of the character's behavior/the biased writing, but of the creator herself, because the muse is a funhouse mirror of their player. Fuck you. She's going to write what she wants to write.

Except it stops being about just their muse. Suddenly, it's about you as a collaborator having a muse. Here's the role your muse has been pigeonholed into. Here's the script. Here's how in awe or cruel they are to her blessed muse. Here's what your muse is allowed to be -- remember when she'd veto my muses having disabilities or poc love interests as if that was her call?

It's no longer collaborative. It's the Beth/Elaine/Charlotte/Veerle/Elysande show, and we're just living in it. Our muses are there to talk about how cool she is, how women want to be her, how men want to make babies with her. And if you play a villain, the men obsess over her and the women want to torture her. No one can be objective about the character. Who could be objective about God's most perfect creation?

And it gets worse. The creator, totally unchecked and unable to be held in check moving forward without having an actual IRL mental breakdown, is further assured of her own skill. Her muse is perfect. The war crimes ensue, sometimes metaphorical and in [REDACTED]'s case actually for real in universe. The apologia of 'well if my muse did something bad they did it to someone worse,' except they as grown adults are unable to admit their character is capable of doing any wrong. If you are among other partners doing a plot, they refuse to be on the sidelines of it.

The relationship as collaborators and as friends becomes unsustainable because you are dealing with someone who refuses to be reasoned with, and will forever be the villain when they retell the story because you wanted a shared platform, not to be an accessory to a muse you can no longer stand.

I've been on this site since 2012 and I have seen many such muns high on their own muse's farts. Literally if you give me the most special and important heroic muse without an iota of nuance, whether Canon or OC, I'm checking out. I've seen canon serial killers be idealized as 'good people' due to possessing either the lifestyle their writer has or desires, and canon abusers be excused as 'well I mean, his wife is annoying.' I have seen OCs, many times, hold entire servers and communities hostage to their whims, whether as moderators or as simple members of a group. I can name 6 separate incidents across 12 years, and it always goes nuclear, scorched earth, kills communities and friend groups and servers. I refuse to play.

And again, fiction =/= reality, but the way people handle certain themes or concepts can say a lot about how they'll be as a collaborator --

[alwaysunabasheddelusion]

@ospreyenjoyer no worries on the tags. I get it. You're definitely not the only person to notice! It's been a conversation for at least the two decades I've spent in online fandom, and I've seen meta about it from before then, too... although I will say when I first joined fandom m/m was a niche thing and m/f was more common (and outside of a few fandoms f/f was non-existent**) and both m/f and m/m spaces were annoying. m/f spaces because they would act like having gay characters was a huge crime and m/m spaces because they'd straight up talk about wanting violence to happen to the female characters (whom I LIKED) and....also sometimes included commentary like "don't forget that homosexuality is wrong irl"

Sometimes I think the hatred of OCs is related to misogyny, since people tend to assume that OCs are going to be self-insert "Mary Sues" for OCxcanon ships. And that's not true. I LOVE OCs, because I love fic that explores other time periods or locations within a canon setting, which is such a different thing.

of course, I also don't see why it matters if some women want to write OCxcanon wish fulfillment. IDK how fanfic culture can claim that fanfic is for "women and other marginalized people to write themselves into the narrative" and then be so hostile to women who do exactly that...

Of course, it's not a surprise that fandom imitates larger culture but it still makes me sad. I like plenty of male characters, but that doesn't have to come at the expense of the cool women. ;-; Sometimes women who are perfectly interesting, complex characters still get dismissed as "there just aren't any interesting female characters, authors/tv shows only write cool men" (even better when they turn a male character with no lines into a fully realized character. I'm all about turning background characters into fully realized characters, but it's not subtle! We can tell who gets this treatment and who doesn't.)

LOL sorry this is my favorite topic to rant on :') I will never change fandom culture but they will also never stop me from ranting about it. And it's doubly important to me since I have daughters in the preteen/teen age range who are into fandoms now (although fortunately they gravitate toward fandoms that have large casts of female characters and seem to have found friends who value this, too. I don't want them to learn self-hatred from the world at all, but especially not from communities that are dominated by other women.)

**I was into Sailor Moon, which for obvious reasons was one of the few f/f friendly fandoms

[reaperkaneki]

ok here are my Thoughts on gin noto

under cut bc it got long lol

first off, he is very strong representation. as in, i think this might be the platonic ideal of a transmasc character. which has its good points and bad.

sweet-p’s arc was rooted in some obviously transphobic jokes/points/etc but at its core, her arc felt well-intentioned and overall she was definitely portrayed as one of the most sympathetic of the musicians (who are antagonists but certainly not outright villains, which the musician route makes abundantly clear). she also is not, like, described as trans per se, mostly as a crossdresser who loves cute things and wishes she were a cute girl (so like, she’s trans) and honestly her arc is about self-image and body dysmorphia in general (weight and age and outside perception are all major factors). and that’s what sets her apart from gin, gin is very much about Gender Dysphoria And Conforming To Societal Gender Roles first and foremost.

unlike sweet-p’s writing, gin’s doesn’t have any overt flaws to point to, which is why i had to mull it over for a while to figure out what was missing, and i think it’s because it is very much aimed at a cis audience. the narrative itself is perfectly fine, it’s the meta-narrative that bothers me.

when gin confesses that irl, he was assigned female at birth and presents as female in his day-to-day life, and asks the player, does this change anything, there is a right answer and a wrong answer. the wrong answer is to tell him that you don’t care what gender he is, it doesn’t change anything at all; gin perceives this as a half-assed, dismissive response said without thinking and becomes upset and it locks you out of the rest of his character episodes. the correct answer is to tell him that you don’t know, you’re not sure. maybe it does change things between the two of you. gin feels that this is a understandable position to take, like, of course it might be a big deal, it certainly feels like a big deal to him!

and yes, to someone who hasn’t encountered a trans person before, that’s probably a reasonable response. to me, specifically, a fellow transmasc person, i think i sorta laughed at this part because, like, the only thing that would change if a coworker or friend or whatever told me that they were actually stealth trans this whole time (and that’s being generous bc gin is Not Slick lmfao the foreshadowing for him being trans is super obvious to anyone who knows) i’d be like cool! love that for you. etc etc. bc transgenderism is Normal to me.

but the game assumes You Are A Cis Person Who Isn’t Sure How To React To Trans People. the game doesn’t let you be trans. there’s not a nonbinary option, despite having a cyborg for an antagonist and, more egregiously, a canonically nonbinary character in your party. (i’d say pronouns, but that’s not quite the same in japanese.) not that i was expecting that to be possible, but it is a clear separation of gameplay and story that hinders roleplay (in an rpg where your character’s backstory is almost completely undefined)!

this is not to say that gin is poorly written. like i said, he’s like the platonic ideal of representation. he’s easy to clock specifically because his experiences ring true; he’s always, always, always overcompensating and posturing “as a man”, he’s trying to conform to his own personal image of “what men do”, “how guy friendships work”, “what guys are interested in”. when asked why he gets along with women so well, he lies and says it’s because he has an, uh, older sister! so he’s spent a lot of time around women! he dresses trendy, but not too fashionably (because that’s feminine, he’s function over form allegedly), and the cut of his clothes is soooo. well. the silhouette is masculinizing, or at least androgynous, let’s say. he even wishes he were taller.

i’m pretty sure i’ve done most of those things. this is writing that either speaks from experience or understands the prompt and has done the goddamn research.

it is, however, very, VERY cool that he actually turns out to Not Be A Man, at least in the sense he’s always wanted to be. REALLY good nonbinary arc that i wish wasn’t constrained to, like, the last two character episodes. it’s the one interesting ‘twist’, and i love that it explains a lot of things about him! when he talks about working as a woman irl and busting his ass in heels, he sounds proud, even as he admits that presenting female always made him uncomfortable. and lo and behold, his catharsis effect sports a pair of gold heels! if he was just a hypermasculine trans man, that would be super uncomfortable, as if it were some sort of transphobic indicator of his ‘true self’ being feminine. but no, it’s because he’s hiding that aspect of himself. he repressed his masculine tendencies to conform to social norms, and then inadvertently did the same to his feminine side, but both are important. he likes the heels.

i also like that he’s bi and acknowledges that his relationships never worked out bc he hadn’t figured out his shit yet. it do be like that sometimes.

unfortunately, i think he’s also kind of boring? like, besides her wanting to be a cute girl, sweet-p had other stuff going on, she had that boke/tsukkomi routine with stork, she had a genuine love for yume-kawaii (whereas while gin has many interests, a not-insignificant part of those interests is male posturing), she was even a musician! i understand that gin’s blandness is On Purpose because he dislikes rocking the boat (but he hates posers, which was a genuinely interesting reaction from him that didn’t feature as strongly in his arc as i wanted. even kiriko comments on it), but doesn’t change the fact that he ain’t weird enough! can’t even be an only sane man bc he goes along with everyone’s bs lol

anyway gin is cool and well-written as a trans character but missing a bit otherwise. i’d still definitely love to hang out and get beef bowls and boba with him :)

[chicspo]

heyyy how do I get over someone I never dated?? I basically had this friend who I started talking to like three years ago. he would flirt w me occasionally but I wasn't interested at the time. he would ghost me ALOT but we weren't that close at the time so I didn't mind. we started getting closer around a year later. Like a year back, he compared me to this girl we both knew, he would say we were like sisters and stuff and then fast forward a couple months he starts dating her ? for some rsn I got really upset at that so I j figured I liked him but I kept my distance cos I loved his gf and I could clearly tell he was ghosting me too. Anyways I still wished him hbd and he replied to it after they broke up and we started talking again. this is sooo middle school but when I told my friend about all of this she used my phone to text him and flirt and stuff and he was into it at first but then he j vanished. when he hadn't replied after a few days I wanted to clear stuff up so i j messged him "hey sorry for those texts we were j being silly goofy" (cos he knew I was w ppl at that time) anyways he removed me and unfollowed like as soon as i sent that text. its been months and I'm really happy he's out of my life but I j cannot stop thinking abt it and the whole friendship (which he called being acquaintances after I wished him) and I'm so torn because for a while I genuinely considered him a really good friend and we used to talk non stop so I don't understand. I truly hate that he messed w my brain soo much but I over think every single interaction we ever had now. (sorry this is sooooo long I j don't feel like I know anyone else I can ask)

i understand especially since it was so messy and u didn't really get any proper closure. the best u can do is just continue to remind urself of how lucky u are to have him out of ur life. if u dont see him irl or on social media at all it will be infinitely easier to move on. just dont think about him or about the situation at all. what u can do is write down a short list of things hes done or how he is that will make u cringe at it when u read it back. to remind u of how much of a useless bother he was in ur life if u ever start thinking about him again. and if u can just start talking to other men!! but ONLY if theyre worth ur time dont just talk to anyone as a distraction if it will make u feel worse. but if the chance comes take it. it will only reinforce the fact that he really wasnt any special. u didnt even like him at first. i think u only liked the fact that he liked u and then u missed that when he got a gf. u cant get ur validation or confidence from an outside source. u have to know it within urself how good u are. fill ur life with hobbies and activities. life is so much more than speaking to some random boy. i promise u in no time u will totally be over this

[gyaruogutz]

👀 i'd be curious... (about your last post)

You’re in luck , I love talking about myself when asked ~

Information is under the cut , mostly for my personal preference ! CW for , well , transharmful things !! I don’t really go into detail until the very end , but still . I’m trigger-tagging this as a vent just in case.

It will probably be a lot lmao !! Be careful what you wish for Anon !!

A lot of my harmful thoughts come from rage . And that sounds very stereotypical , right ? Like “ oh, of course the transharmful person has homocidal thoughts , that’s a given . “ You’re right of course ! But it’s not just homocidal thoughts I get .

I get paraphiliac thoughts and urges as well when I’m in a heightened state of emotion , whether it be a positive OR negative feeling that I’m experiencing . & I’ve gotten homocidal thoughts from excitement or joy before . With heightened emotions these days comes heightened impulse .

I’m very good in retrospect with controlling these impulses , for the saftey of me and those around me . I’ve done nothing that warrants suspicion from those who trust me IRL , and nothing to tip off any mental health professionals , much less anything authorities would be concerned about.

I experience these thoughts near-constantly . I’m either wishing to be violent , aggressive & homocidal , or I’m fantasizing , usually sexually , ( but not always , to be fair ) about one of my paraphilias . When I’m not in these states of mind I’m almost purposefully distracting myself with special interests or hyperfixations . And mind you this is while I’m ON my medications , haha !! Though I doubt I’d be at risk of offending for either side when I’m not , my medication moreso keeps anxious paranoia and depression away .

These thoughts at this consistently don’t just come out of nowhere . To start off with , I’m also cis-traumatized , and had a C-PTSD diagnosis at the chrono age of 14 ( though apparently it’s not a diagnosis anymore ? correct me if I’m wrong ). My specialized therapist and I have determined I have genuine plurality that is either mostly or completely traumagenic , most likely P-DID or DID . I also have reason to be weary of having suffered R4MC04 ( censoring in case of antis jumping my post ) abuse as a child , due to knowledge of some of my alters I have experience with , and how I react subconsciously to certain things .

However , I have also most likely gained these thoughts from doing harmful things in my adolescence , usually impulsively and on purpose.

Disclaimer , chrono-minors ; I cannot and will not recommend you do ANY of these things listed . I’m not your parent and I can’t stop you , I understand that , but I feel obligated to put this warning here . Additionally I’m not providing details on how I did these things myself , and I will not do so if asked .

For one , as a young teen I would purposefully seek out sexual contact with much older men for my own sexual and emotional amusement . This is where I developed a lot of my sexual tastes from , honestly . I never felt bad for doing these things , only shame for getting caught by then-friends who were appalled.

I would also frequently ( with their consent ) use friends in my group for that same gratification . I lost my virginity to a friend I met in my first year of public middle school , years later in our friendship , for example .

I was also ( and still am , honestly ), a stalker of those who gave me enough attention to be interested , whether online or in person . I was also obsessive , checking messages and getting intense emotions when I saw my various objects of affection over the years do something I didn’t approve of .

There were also some things in younger childhood ,

— I ( unintentionally ) scared the absolute shit out of most boys in the two grades below be because I was notorious for harassing them for my amusement as a kid . ( my autistic ass simply thought that’s how people played at the time , but I thought it was also REALLY funny )

— for some odd reason , in my small impoverished Catholic elementary school , my year consistently had the most traumatized kids out of all of them . I was faced with sexual assault stories , parental death stories , physical abuse stories and more by my close friends all before I was ten, and besides the parental death ( which was a singular case ), all of that was normalized and unfortunately almost romanticized by the girls in my grade .

I specifically remember a friend of mine getting assaulted by a college boy when we were in third grade , and recall three girls asking her excitedly about the experience . ( STATING THIS IS NOT TO ROMANTICIZE IT, this is a genuine example of how serious violence was romanticized in my childhood. )

— I can name at least one teacher I know in middle school that clearly had eyes for me sexually . Nothing ever happened with him in my active memory , but I knew , and I think he knew I knew , and I definitely used it to my advantage . There was also one in high school , who , again nothing in my active memory happened with him , but I definitely knew and again used it to play him like a fiddle .

Until I was TOLD that these things were wrong , I wasn’t aware . I saw it as normal , fun , and exciting .

So those are most of my thoughts on the subject . Not sure if I’m cis-harmful or trans-harmful really .

[starified-lizzy]

So much for taking time off the Internet (which I think all of us desperately need to do to some degree, whether or not you care/know about the issue or not)

Anyways, here’s a list of fictional men I still look up to who I demand can do no wrong:

Starting off strong with ATLA characters-

Aang. He is baby boy and is very kind and gentle and I strive to be as kind and gentle as him, not only to others, but to myself.

Sokka. He’s very inventive, and I strive to have that same level of problem-solving and creativity, along with that level headedness he gains as the show progresses.

Zuko. He’s definitely had his moments, but I look up to him because he turned himself around and was able to stand up to the people who have hurt him the most and I LOVE that for him. I wish to be able to do that one day as well.

Now: literally only two people from my FNF au, which are Blue and Navy. Both of them, because they are babygirl and just genuinely sweet and kind and I love them.

Last: my own characters. Is this just an excuse to talk about my children? At this point- yeah

Saline: fuck you and your mother, I’m not getting rid of them. He may be based off of that asshole, but she is my child and I love them (they’re technically categorized under the “men I look up to” because he is AMAB and doesn’t care how one perceives her, hence the use of all pronouns. Besides, they are more of a man in terms of respect than most IRL cis men are in my life.)

Liam: literally the only person who is able to wrangle a literal world-ending demon and his leech, while also being such a kind and gentle man in the process. We love Liam in this household.

Sadly most of my characters are either women- or men who have little to no redeemable qualities.

Now we go onto the topic of: fictional men who are essentially assholes, but I love them because they’re not real.

First up, Pico and Darnell, and I’m talking canon, not au. Au would mostly be the same, but Darnell is a lot more chill, and Pico becomes more babygirl as he grows as a person, so I’m talking mostly about canon.

They’re assholes, but I love em for it. I think the only reason why I love them and their character so much is because I first found out about them through FNF. I am willing to bet that if I had been introduced to them in Pico’s School, I would have vastly different opinions on both of them. I think my immediate selling point for adoring them was when I came up with the idea that Nene, Darnell, and Pico were like a found family type group instead of just batshit-insane school-friends. I adore found family tropes and they fit that bill, so.

Next is Spirit, C, and Soul, and now I’m talking about them from my au.

Now you may be wondering “how is Soul considered and asshole???” And I’ll tell you, my dear reader (how tf did you get this far) in due time if you’d be so kind and follow my blog dedicated for the au.

Anyways, Spirit’s an asshole because he just is. When he was alive, he was highly narcissistic and self-centered, only doing things for others if it benefited him in the end. When he meets Blue and all that resulting shit happens, he calms the fuck down and actually becomes a decent person, but his past self was not pretty.

C doesn’t get that luxury of becoming a better person. He’s just an asshole. However it’s not his fault, he was made like that. He can’t help but do things that can be perceived as “assholish”, but he does try to be kind… as kind as he can be considering he can’t really feel any emotions.

Soul… is very interesting. He… ends up doing questionable things… despite being viewed as a kind and trustworthy person, and like- he has a really bad moment of being a dick, but like- he gets better???? Idk. He’s a goofball, so he immediately gets pardoned from my torment (mostly).

Next we return to my characters.

First is Limbo, my demon cat boy. Heeeeeee is also based off another person, but nobody that has had any issues to my knowledge. He has almost caused the end of the world, almost killed his friends multiple times, and is just generally an ass person. The singular person who can keep him from doing “hot gay man-demon shit” is Liam.

Tenebris Oritur, the giant serpent fuck I haven’t drawn in ages. While They are not human, nor a man, I’m still throwing Them into this category because of the fact They’re stuck with Limbo’s dumb bitchass. Hi, yes, hello, spoilers for my old ass fic I am now never going to finish lmfao (;-;) Oritur is the thing that almost destroyed the world because They’re too bitchy to let shit go.

And that’s it. If you guys potentially have any suggestions for this list, please leave both the character’s name, the section they it under, and why- either in tags, or in the replies. Thank you for listening this far into my TED talk.

[b4n3n4]

I've vented a bit on a public server, I shouldn't have done that, but ill vent here, this is not in any shape, or form praise to my awful ex crushes, I hope those 3 actually get tortured for Infinity in hell, especially you, you know who you are, and I know you still stalk this page.

Sometimes i miss when i was at my "lowest" objectively I guess, mentally I felt happier somehow, kind of go lucky feeling, if nothing matters nothing can hurt you, I've never talked about the boys I've liked before on this page, they were 3.

I can say my first crush was probably who made me this way, he was cold with everyone, rude, misogynistic and violent, that was the first boy I've ever liked at 12, he was different, never met anyone like him before, other seemed like cowards, unable to be authentically themselves, he introduced me to gore when I was 12, way before I even knew porn was a thing, I started to cut myself around that age, he would always ask me to see, to touch the cuts, I felt like he understood me, what I wanted to say or do he said and did, when I didn't like someone I would keep it to myself, but he would be as ruthless as he wanted, pure neutrality, I fell in love quickly, would spend whole classes looking at him, how smart he was, how charismatic, well now I can see he was just a sociopath literally but at the time he was like God to me, ill never forget his smirks when I would show him my cuts or the big smile I gave him when he fell down while playing fight with a friend and made a huge scratch in his whole stomach, showing me it proudly.

i spent a year madly in love with him and lost about 14 kgs although I couldn't diet at home, I would just start to purge my food at home and fast during school, one day I discovered that although we never dated he was using me as rebound, and somehow the love broke off that day, I had nightmares with him for about 5 years after

2 years later i met my irl ex, quiet kid in class that one day said some stupid misogynistic joke and I laughed and we bonded, showed me theync, would say I was disgusting for not being as good as him in class, basically an incel when I met him but that was the part I liked, once he started to become softer with me I lost interest quickly but we stayed together as I was waiting for him to change to his before self, we broke up because he would go through my messages, make me give my phone every time we were together etc, I hate insecure men, we were together for 4 years and during all those years I would have nightmares with the first boy.

WORST ONE SO FAR, so, as im a fucking loser and don't have friends I was searching for servers on 4chan and found one lmao, owner dms me saying he wants to kill me and he's the only dude I replied to in months, lies to me, never shows his face, uses me for my body, blackmails me, etc, but somehow because I was lonely and thought I was gonna km I let that slide for a year, also I liked how fucked up he was, then he turns too nonchalant and soft for my liking, teenage girl kinda texts and I ask to break up, we fought ALOT before also, I seriously he khs because every day I find out more lies, like sending fake plushie pic (saying he got them for me) then finding those pics in a 2016 website, ALSO said he sent fake pics the first time but then that they were real the second time (gaslight and lies because they weren't) calling me insane and obsessive for not believing him, erm okay, hope you die

WELL long rant but yes during those 3 boys I relapsed, in self-harm and gore, and also lost weight with every one of them, my boyfriend who is the sweetest kindest soul on earth, and although I thought I would be interested in him at the beginning because of his scary appearance turns out I can love someone who treats me well, but sometimes I wish I was as strong as before, I feel like nowadays everything is too easy on me and I've become too soft, its been like 3 weeks without cutting and I miss it often, I miss feeling so grossed out by everyone I would hide myself in the bathroom watching gore, I miss not caring for tomorrow or what happens to me since I knew I was going to die soon, I miss it, why am I so soft nowadays, I'm supposed to feel happy I am "getting better" but feels like my destructive mindset before actually made me happier

[somanyfuckedupiftruebooks]

Mag 31

Fuck yes First Hunt!! All the girlies love First Hunt! <3

It's great that the episode opens by telling you the entire meaning of the Hunt as an Entity; killing was always besides the point. The chase is the thing. This is what separates the Hunt from the Slaughter (in addition to the Hunt being about intimate violence while the Slaughter is about impersonal mass violence). The Slaughter is all about the kill; the Hunt plays with its food.

So the Hunt is one of the Entities that I just enjoy without over analysing it too much (by my standards anyway; I am a person who will be posting a commentary for all 200 episodes of TMA largely for my own amusement). It's not one of the Entities that really terrifies me or that I really emphasise with, in universe I don't think I'd be in any particular danger of being consumed or claimed by it. I just think it's a vibe. I have fun with the Hunt! Like, hunting prey/being hunted by a predator seems a bit too outdoorsy for me, but I get it and if it's your thing then I love that for you.

I guess I'm saying I think I want to be friends with a Hunt avatar? I think we'd get along great. Maybe I just want a werewolf girlfriend?

Anyway I love this statement, it's one of my favourites.

And a big part of why this is a favourite of mine is the statement-giver Lawrence Mortimer. What a guy! He's just such a jolly, cheerful dude. I love all his weird turns of phrase and the way he's so I genuinely excited and enthusiastic about going on his little adventure. As much as I love Jonny's voicework on this one, I really wish we'd gotten to meet him in person. He's got dorky dad energy for me.

Fuck I've just realised how much he reminds me of my actual dad. Two screenshots in and this is becoming and epsiode of Revelations for me.

Amazing. Imagine travelling alone to another country to meet an absolute stranger who you've only ever spoken to via message board, but who is openly a gun nut that wants to take you on a remote hike in the wilderness. Men really do be living in a different world, don't they?

Haha fuck yes Lawrence! I love this guy!! He's a funny little man.

Oh god the mortifying ordeal of realising that you've committed to spending a prolonged period of time alone with an extrovert. I'm exhausted just thinking about it.

Also I have to assume that the part about being laughed at for his accent is written from either personal or anecdotal experience, because I ran this by one of my best friends who immigrated from England to Australia when we were teenagers and he was like 'Yes, everyone did that to me incessantly for years, especially you Reeah, because you're a bad person and a terrible friend.'

(He loves me. I will be a bridesmaid at his wedding next year. His accent is cringe tho. Imagine being British. 😬)

Okay, BIG YIKES here. This is the only thing about this epsiode that I really dislike. As mentioned above I'm Australian. We have strict gun control here and I generally cannot stand anyone who likes guns or thinks of them as cool fun toys. Massive red flag. Especially if you add the entire premise of the episode; hunting and killing animals for sport, another thing that I absolutely loathe irl!

But mostly I don't mind just letting these things go in this instance. Partially because, as I said, it's the premise of the episode and engaging with a story demands a certain amount of good faith. The other reason I have figured out while typing this; it's because Lawrence's general sense of wonder and enthusiasm about guns reminds me of my dad and his most beloved special interest -- WWI era tanks. The Tiger 1 is his favourite and he is overcome with joy and excitement every time he gets a chnace to talk about it. If I can let go over my objections regarding the military for long enough to allow my dad to re-tell the story of the time he got special permission to go inside the Tiger 1 at the the tank museum, I guess I can let this fictional man enjoy his fictional gun holiday.

More big yikes!! Hate this!! Terrible!!

Geuinely the worst thing I can imagine encountering out in the wilderness is just a guy with bad energy singing a creepy little song. I'd take a bear or something any day of the week. At least I know what a bear's deal is.

Very telling that two grown men (both of whom are down for a days long hike through the wild with an internet stranger) immediately pick up on this dude's terrible vibes and seemingly agree instantly and silently to not help him or offer any information about themselves. Girlies having each other backs in the club energy.

Ahhh! I hate this!! He stopped to get their scents!! What would you even do? Like, obviously they are doomed form this point because he's chosen them as targets and won't let them escape, but if it were me I'd still be tempted to risk a night hike to get the fuck out there.

Attention all creepy strangers in the woods: stay the fuck away from me (unless you are a werewolf and interested in being my girlfriend).

I'd completely forgotten this part! So the Hunter hung around their camp all night making sure they couldn't sleep. Do we think this was because he wanted to make sure that they would be tired and afraid for the big chase tomorrow, or is this just like the murderer's version of edging?

[rayofsunas]

pretending you’re not his s/o. [1]

A/n: happy Thursday!! whew, the week is almost over thank goodness. I hope you’re all doing well and thank you for being patient while I knock out these requests <333 Scaramouche’s is long for obvious reasons (I simp) ALSO thank you for 800 followers, I hit that milestone yesterday ahagdwcsh omg I’m growing so much wtf. thank you all :) <33 

Summary: the boys having to pretend their s/o is their secretary, maid, friend, etc. (someone other than their s/o)

Parings: Childe/Reader, Venti/Reader, Kaeya/Reader, Diluc/Reader, Albedo/Reader, Aether/Reader, Xiao/Reader, Chongyun/Reader, Xingqiu/Reader, Scaramouche/Reader, Razor/Reader, Bennett/Reader, Zhongli (fem and gn mixed)

Warnings: violence tbh (in Scara’s especially chile), swearing, crack, angst?, fluff

Word count: 1.7k

Requested by bestie @mintydump​ 

Refuses (tells people you’re his s/o and compromises the mission)

Childe: for some odd reason, he was sent out by the Tsaritsa to retrieve a man who was impersonating one of the eleven harbingers and you were to go along. she said men were much more willing to follow along, if there was a beautiful woman promising affection, etc. the only problem was, to win over the impersonator, you had to pretend to be Childe’s co-worker. he hated this idea, and the minute he left, he reassured you he would not call you his partner unless it was romantically. so hell yeah, he’ll compromise the mission and will return without the impersonator. he does not care, you’re not his co-worker. he’ll just be like, “sorry, next time send me alone.”

Venti: jean why... ofc you'd be great company duh, but why did you need to be his babysitter on this expedition?!? sure, Venti may look like a child, but this was stupid! he’s loose-lipped anyways, so he’ll accidentally let it slip to whoever that you’re not his babysitter and that you’re his s/o. he’ll be like, “oops.” with the biggest shit-eating grin. he doesn’t care though, you’re not his babysitter grrr. 

Razor: he also accidentally lets it slip you’re his s/o. hunters were after him and his friends, you included (you’re human, he considers you family though, therefore wolf) and he just yells, “don’t touch my mate, GRRR” before ya know, ending them lmao. it never crossed his mind that maybe it wasn’t in his/your best interest to say what you were to him. other hunters could be nearby listening and then target you at a later date. but, tbh he will worry about that another day. as long as you’re safe now, he’ll always be there to protect you. 

Refuses (he doesn’t refuse the mission, but he refuses calling you someone other than his s/o/he won’t say if you’re his s/o or not.) 

Kaeya: he definitely won’t be calling you anything other than his s/o but he also won’t offer this mission to anyone else. he’s more than capable and he can do this without you having to be in danger too. if someone asks who you are, he’ll just cooly respond with, “none of your business.” and move on. he’ll use that whenever someone asks who you are. even if someone gets a little pushy, he won’t use anything to clue them of your relationship.

Xingqiu: he was supposed to borrow steal a book from someone. he needed it for personal purposes lol; it would be great for his collection. and from his understanding, the person who has it wasn’t using it. though you were confused on why he needed to break into somewhere to retrieve it. you just happened to be with him when he broke in, he says it was an accident that you were there, but tbh it’s all part of the thrill and his mischievousness. despite Chongyun warning him that he shouldn’t have brought you, he still did. and when the person who owns the book whips out a sword and then asks why you were brought along if you seemed timid and unreluctant to steal, Xingqiu’s response is, “well she’s my girlfriend! duh.” cue deadpan. legit no hesitation.

Scaramouche: this mission is happening no matter what. the Tsaritsa’s life is on the line; highly trained assassins from all over Teyvat were sent into Snezhnayan territory to kill her. she could protect herself, but Scaramouche was feeling feverish for battle; he was one of the more unhinged and dangerous harbingers, she entrusted this task upon him. he never turned down a mission. plus, it’s your fault you’re even here. why are you here again!? he left you home in Inazuma days ago. also... who the hell was looking after your daughter if not you...?? when you caught up with him once he was well away from Liyue Harbor’s docks (so he couldn’t force you to get back onto the ship, smart) you told him you weren’t some housewife and you missed the thrill of adventure, so you snuck on the ship too. he wasn’t sure how you got on in the first place without alerting The Kanjobugyo (you’ve snuck out before, so he’s told them not to let you leave, though he assumed you used your former title of a Fatui to gain clearance) let’s just say he’s not happy you’re here, but he’s not turning back now, he’s determined to end this. in the end, he kills all the assassins (ofc). on your way back to Liyue Harbor, arguing about why you’re here (you’re losing), another assassin comes out of the shadows; intent on killing the both of you. he’d managed to grab the end of your hair in his fist and was going to slit your throat. Scaramouche will say, “don’t touch my wife, you insolent scum.” he doesn’t have a problem telling those who have a death wish of your intimate relationship, because they’ll die in the end anyway; therefore to him, it’d be like they never knew. 

Zhongli: not many people know you’re his s/o anyways, so if he has something to do, especially dangerous you’re not coming along. he’ll make sure of that. on missions or something, he refuses to call you anything other than his s/o, but if he can’t/wants to keep it private he’ll call you by your name. if you’re facing off against someone, he’ll be like, “y/n, please watch out, I’ll handle this.” he never wants to put you in danger, and tbh even someone threatening who knows your name is a risk, but if they ever found out that you were not only his s/o but the s/o of an Archon? yeah, you’d be on a hit list just like him. 

Accepts (he will do this and won’t ask any questions)

Diluc: sorry y’all, but once this is discussed in full and you agree, he’s going to accept it. this mission is important. it’s not often people travel into Inazuma, so he was very lucky his wine is sold there and that he has a popular, well-known name. shipments of his wine weren’t making it into the borders and he was to find the culprit behind it; someone was stealing obviously. you were to go along with a few other soldiers and when jean told him it would be safer to call you his maid and not his fiancé, he agreed. you wouldn’t be a target that way. if anyone wonders why he took his maid, he’ll just say, “she’s to travel everywhere with me.” don’t worry, after the missions over he’ll reassure you he doesn’t think of you as his maid, definitely not. he’ll apologize profusely. “please don’t think of yourself that way, you’re not my maid, I adore you very much, sweetheart.”

Xiao: he already doesn’t go around calling you his wife or telling just anyone, only the Archons know and the fallen Yaksha once knew (you’re one of the female Yaksha) so being talked into this wasn’t a big deal at all. before, he didn’t run around Liyue telling people about your relationship because you both enjoyed the privacy. but now, having to call you his fellow Yaksha who’s been working alongside him for centuries, kinda feels like he’s ignoring or not acknowledging you. sure, you do hold the same titles (Yaksha) and yes you’ve known eachother for centuries, but really, you’ve been together for centuries. if you’re not bothered, then he doesn’t mind. but if you are? he’s very apologetic and will repay you in some way. “you’re not a weakling, you have no reason to worry.” he needs to do this task, he’ll never turn away from the people and if you have to be known as your Yaksha title to him and others, so be it. 

Chongyun: it’s not that he doesn’t want to call you his s/o. it’s just he’s a quiet guy and never has told anyone about your relationship; only Xingqiu knows. so he has no problem introducing you as his friend to absolute strangers, especially if you’re okay with it. if you’re not and tell him, he’ll be sure to never call you a friend again. he’s really looking out for your safety, people can be two-faced as he’s learned from Xingqiu’s fantasy books. he wants to protect and keep you safe, and if you need to be addressed as his friends a few times then that’s how it’s going to go. 

Accepts (he’ll accept but he has so many questions on why and hates it)

Albedo: he will accept if there’s a logical reason. for example, if you absolutely need to come because you’re his assistant or something and can offer your expertise, he will accept. but if you have no need? you’re not coming, please stay home. the whole time, he hates this. yes, you’re his assistant irl, but you’re his s/o, not just an assistant. it makes him sick that he has to call you that tbh, even if it’s your occupation. but it’s necessary for a lot of reasons you two have already discussed. after the mission is complete, he’s never going to stop apologizing. “love, please do not take what I said to heart, you’re not just an assistant.”

Aether: he has to be talked into this a lot. once kaeya and jean tell him the seriousness and importance of seeing his sister again, especially after all they’ve discovered about her, he’ll agree. no matter how much he hates calling you his travel partner, he has to. his sister has turned to the dark side for whatever reason and this meeting already is risky enough. if she finds out you’re his girlfriend, who knows how she’ll react; she’s very unpredictable now, a little unhinged even. but it does hurt to have to call you that, let’s be real. he never wants to say or hear that ever again.

Bennett: he knows he’s quite unfortunate, so you going with him on expeditions is just stupid and you could face something awful due to his bad luck. you go either way though, what a good s/o :) he almost slips a few times, especially facing off against a few lowlife Fatui. but then you remind him of the dangers of doing that and you’re immediately just a friend/member of Benny's Adventure Team. pls, he hates this so much, like why can’t he call you what you are?!? he’s constantly like, “well why can’t I just say you’re my s/o already? they won’t harm you as long as I’m here!” ?!?!?!? HE JUST DID?!?!?!?!

2.25.21, rayofsunas 

[larentsaloud]

Real versus Imaginary

What makes a relationship real?

It’s not photos. Or hugs. Or any skinship. Saying I love you.

I love this for taekook. They showing us they GOOD.

Have we forgotten that they had a rough time and even talked about it ITS?

Them posting each other is fab! We should all be shaking our booties in celebration that boys have healed. They had overcome their differences. Well done. Keep it up. I never wanna see you two fall out. Again. Jimin the fairy better arrange another reunion and make up scene on film, since we can’t get the rainy day fight footage, this is your penance Jikook.

No but seriously.

I am happy for them. 🥺🥺🥺

They’re in a band together so I do expect selcas and as Hobi’s magnanimous record shows—he has ALL the files—don’t we all wish a sneak preview!? Namjoon sure doesn’t want us to see. I wonder why. LOL.

Be like Hobi. Sharing is caring.

Anygays.

My point was that you all need to stop. To all the Karen’s out there.

STOBBBB 👋🏻👋🏻

Stop freaking out. Jikook is fine.

BTS is on a winter break they’re supposed to be enjoying Christmas with their families for the first time in ages. (Kuddos to those still isolating.) Just wait until some content emerges later about how J-hope and Jimin and Jungkook were the only ones that hung out together, then you’ll be sorry.

A while back, while in a relationship we had a house together, the whole shebang. Mother-in-law used to ring me and tell me she loved me, that kind of thing.

When you are in an actual adult relationship you don’t have to be together 24/7, but also that person is your preference in companionship. You comfortable with them. It just happens. It’s hard breaking the habit. (Bit of a Louis Tomlinson in me.)

But it’s super healthy to spend time apart and have your own circle of friends and actually not be glued to each other all the time. I remember when I was working with another ex, we didn’t live together but we worked together and had the same interests…

So like we would create opportunities to be together through work and after work and it was super addictive 🤣

I can’t imagine HOW Jikook work and live together tho. I couldn’t do it.

😅😅😅😅😅

Jikook work together, they also appear to me as IRL couple and as such if they do live together…Respect bro. Mad respect.

With some of my partners I had major online presence and with other not. It depends on what they wanted. One wanted to post me, the other wanted to live with me. Also it changed over time?

Whining for jikook to jikook won’t make it happen.

All I’m saying is. If you define what’s real by social media then good fucking luck. It’s obviously incredibly deceptive?? I could construct a whole life online and actually live a flat box in your neighbourhood shed. You see the problem? Right?

These men are kpop idols. Hello?

There’s so much we don’t know about Jikook’s pretences and how they wish to conduct their relationship. Why is everyone freaking out over SM?

It’s funny to me that some shippers / tkkrs suppose that a few photos would demonstrate as a ‘proof’.

Why does nobody listen to Tae?

Would a boyfriend not know where his boyfriends’ room is? Would a boyfriend let his boyfriend run around with a giant hickey while his best friend is responsible for creating it on said boyfriends neck?

My head is hurting just thinking about it…

I’m gonna need all the tkkrs to please go and get some sexual healing.

If legally able please seek a relationship and see for yourself if

You eat, sleep, fly, practice, exercise with your boyfriend / girlfriend

Do you spend 24/7 as an inseparable duo according to all your acquaintances

Are you a jiminipedia? By which I mean do you know everything about your partner and do you INSIST on telling everyone everything about them with your whole chest?

Do you preface each story with “I was with Jungkook…”

Invite them to your vlive because you’re already in their studio and you wanna see them. Your partner arrives in under a minute and you hold hands under the table like bros, but romantically

Your partner doesn’t use the honorifics with you because yeah you equal and sometimes they slip up. Oops. Sometimes they tease you…to flirt. Other times they just DGAF you’re on camera I guess

Etc etc etc literally the universe is a jikooker

Or do you:

Show up at your BFFs room only find your boyfriend / girlfriend already there and you’re confused who’s room you’re in because wtf is this

Find out your boyfriend has a giant hickey that your BFF has given them 👀

I can’t even continue to post the list…it’s just…

[hello-imasalesman]

i find Bill as a character so…. I don’t know the right word for it. He was such a jackass in rdr1 (lmao weren’t him and Javier both) but even in the first you get this feeling this guy is cripplingly insecure about accurate character flaws. i wrote about that before, how bill knows he’s stupid and how fucked up he is. (And honestly he’s fucked up in one of those like. lmao kind of fun to write ways. R* is so good at writing classically fucked up middle aged men. they’ve got all of them, all the different types and varieties, not just your run of the mill ones)

while I would personally fuck bill williamson up given the chance, and have previously written him and arthur butting heads over Kieran, they generally get along semi-okay in canon, the way you do with a friend of a friend in a group setting where you’ve known them too long but don’t like them much anymore past familiarity. (And let’s be real, arthur both knows and mentions the gang isn’t real family, but also in actions holds them up to family levels of forgiveness and loyalty.) there are aspects of Williamson’s character and how he’s treated you’d feel bad about if he were a better person; but that’s kind of the crux of trauma, is it not? you can be hurt but to hurt, in turn, makes you also a monster. he doesn’t get any sort of redemption, fittingly, i suppose. i think irl its important almost everyone has chances of redemption, but narratively, this way works best. john marston runs him down in Mexico, after javier himself gives him up, after the colonel betrays him. I’m sure he was happy running his own gang, but john popping up like a ghost, i know his last few weeks were hell.

ive never been interested in bill/ kieran mostly because there’s nothing new or interesting there. to play it straight, it would be kind of a by the book abusive relationship where someone runs you down so bad and you fear for your safety so you just say yes because Stockholm is better than being dead. you could go the classique uguu tsundere route but that’s boring and I’ve been over that canon and character butchering dynamic since LJ was bought by the russians. and i think to give bill anything he truly wants (respect, love, a relationship with a man) would destroy him and the point of his character. i mean, could you? yeah, i think the most accurate way, bill could get what he wanted from kieran out of duress, or out of survival. you change kieran completely even entertaining he finds bill palatable. but he could have him out of duress, near the end, and i dont know if anyone would even notice the way they didn’t notice him slipping out of camp after jack’s party. but like i said, that’s not new or interesting. yeah, accurately kieran would shack up with bill for his own survival, but i think it’s a much more interesting thread to take the pieces of him speaking up, of being strong, than to explore the alternative.

that is, to say, I’m excited about chapter 5 because bill, in canon, he’s one of the only ones in the gang to really get choked up about kieran. what absolute madlads over at R*! to make the abuser weep over the death of his obsession, and you truly get the feeling that it isn’t fake, that he’s truly gutted about it! and not in that oh, i wish i killed him instead way, which always feels a bit over the top villainous, a caricature of what Bad People Feel, and i feel like you very rarely actually see that. Disney villains aren’t truly that scary. no, those aren’t crocodile tears. gives me chills. the vision of him, the kieran in bill’s mind, who is that man. It’s not kieran, obviously. But he was entirely real to Bill, and Bill is the only one remaining of the two, and that’s the horror of it.

[faerielleart]

Hi sorry you don’t have to answer this! But I’ve seen you speak about LGBTQ+ and from my understanding you are a part? So I want to ask I have been dealing with my self identity and struggles and I want to ask if you can share experiences and how you find out since I think I am not straight to be sure… Thank you I hope this ask doesn’t put you in uncomfortable place.

yo anon hello!! 👋 no worries, i’m not in any way uncomfortable and i’m always happy to help if i can

first of all, keep in mind that not everyone’s experiences are the same and what i went through in my journey to exploring my sexual identity might be completely different from what someone else went through, hence take what i say with a huge grain of salt and know that everyone’s experiences are perfectly valid

alright hhhhh well my story’s pretty funny actually LMAO i think i already answered this some other time iirc? but yeah i started “having doubts” in middle school. i wasn’t interested in boys, i was genuinely meh in front of any dude my female friends found cute, i never thought about dating and i never thought about marriage. some people (my family) called me a “late bloomer”, my classmates secretly made fun of me for being “gay”.

thing is, i was obviously gay but i didnt know at the time- however everyone else did 💀💀💀 i was out there saying shit like “i wish men didn’t exist” “i wish the planet was only populated by women” and stuff like that on the DAILY and each time my classmates looked at me like 👁👄👁 and it was like the class’ inside joke that i wasn’t a part of. i was bullying victim unfortunately and i was the class punching bag 🚶‍♀️

one day, i was at my (at the time) best friend’s birthday party and all the girls in class were invited with some boys to her house. i remember we were playing truth or dare, my turn came and i chose truth; there was this girl who hated me with all her heart for no reason whatsoever and loved humiliating me while pretending to be my friend and i was too much of a pushover to say anything to her, anyway bitch started laughing and yelled in front of everyone “IS IT TRUE THAT YOU’RE A LESBIAN?????” and i was ,,,,, pretty much shocked. firstly i thought that was a dirty word, i had never known lesbians irl and i only knew gay men and i kinda associated lesbians with something taboo? i think i was maybe 11 or 12 years old but it was all peer influence, i was lucky to have parents who were never homophobic and never taught me to hate? so this “hesitation” towards this word was something that was instilled into me by my schoolmates who treated it as if it was something shameful and to make fun of. anyway, i told that girl to mind her own business and i was silent and sulking for the rest of the party.

several days later i was at the mall with my parents who asked me what was wrong bc i had been behaving weirdly since the party and i remember telling them exactly “we were playing a game and [girl’s name] asked me if i were…” and i didn’t finish the sentence. “if you were?” and i still was hesitant to answer but then i said “gay” in a really small voice and i remember getting super flustered and feeling so embarrassed?? and my parents just looked at each other and i think that was the start of everything lol in the next years through middle and high school i was so confused about myself i was refusing to label myself bc i thought i was “figuring myself out” and for a long while i thought i was bisexual. i used to tell my ex best friend about these doubts that i had and she was always a bit weird about it 🧍‍♀️

she randomly asked me shit like “do you wanna have sex with a guy? if you had a boyfriend would you have sex with him? would you suck his dick?” and shit like that and i always was so embarrassed about answering those questions? because my answer was always a straight up no, but i thought something was wrong with me if i didnt wanna do stuff with men. despite that, i still didnt truly question my attraction to men, i just went “yeah i mean all girls secretly think that men are ugly right that’s normal” for SO MANY YEARS LOL i thought everyone had the same experience??? i reached the point where i was 100% sure of my attraction to girls and i was forcing myself to be attracted to men as well bc “that’s the right thing for me”. i forced myself to be enthusiastic when my friends talked about boyfriends, i forced myself to pretend to have a crush on celebrities and THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING BUT LIKE ONE TIME I WAS WATCHING THIS TV SHOW WITH MY MOM AND THERE WAS I THINK ORLANDO BLOOM AS A GUEST AND I GOT THE IDEA OF PRETENDING TO BE HAPPY TO SEE HIM BC I THOUGHT HE WAS “THE MOST BEAUTIFUL MAN EVER” AND I SPENT LIKE HALF AN HOUR INSISTENTLY TELLING MY MOM “LOOK AT HIM HE IS SO ATTRACTIVE OH I AM SO IN LOVE WITH HIM” TO SHOW MY MOM I LIKED MEN 💀💀💀💀💀💀 I DID THAT A LOT IT’S LIKE I WANTED VALIDATION FOR IT i want to bury myself in sand thinking of this

anyway after an extremely failed coming out to my grandma whom i saw for the first time ever expressing disgust at the thought of me potentially being attracted to women i was terrified to do it again and i refused to tell any other member of my family. i still haven’t truly come out and i don’t think i ever will tbh even if i know my parents would love me and accept me regardless i still think of my grandma’s reaction and i start legit crying whenever i think of that

march 2020 comes and i finally accept that i am a lesbian. how did that happen? i was watching harry potter and i went “holy shit i wanna fuck hermione” literally that’s it nothing else. nothing else. that was that. that’s how i knew 100% i was a lesbian and i was tired of pretending i wasn’t. don’t ask me why, don’t ask me how but that’s literally what happened.

and that’s when everything started making sense tbh? like i just felt as if i had a huge huge burden lifted off myself for the first time ever? i said it out loud and i felt happy? the more i said it, the happier i felt? through the years i had always known deep down i didn’t like men, i was just pretending i was, comp-het was hitting me SO HARD and then finally i stopped letting it influence me.

what helped me was asking myself extremely specific questions after that to be sure, in the same fashion my ex bestie used to be weird about it when i “came out” to her. i imagined myself in really specific situations with fantasy boyfriends, i asked myself what i liked about men and the answer was always “nothing”, i asked myself “could i be capable of falling in love with a man?” and the way i was setting standards so high and ridiculous for any human for my “dream man” was the obviously negative answer to that question, i asked myself more intimate questions like “if it came down to it would you ever actually sleep with a man?” and the answer was always a solid no. basically putting myself in theoretical situations is what helped me finally understand. i had done that through the years and my answers were the same since the beginning, but i still refused to admit the truth to myself, until one day i just stopped.

and that’s my journey LOL it’s kinda pathetic tbh,,,,,, i could’ve been much happier with myself if i had just admitted it to myself since the beginning, bc deep down i always knew. would’ve spared me years of not feeling okay with myself, would’ve spared me years of surrounding myself with the wrong people who caused me terrible pain every time i heard them say lesbians are disgusting. but anyway, what’s done is done and i’m just happy now i get to be free and accept myself for who i am, unapologetically. on the internet. bc in real life i’m still traumatized 🚶‍♀️

i think questions are the easiest place to start. imagine yourself in situations, ask yourself how would you act and why. figure yourself out bit by bit and take your time to understand what you like. don’t ever let yourself feel pressured by anyone, don’t even let yourself feel pressured by the need of labels. don’t let anyone tell you your experiences are wrong or not valid, don’t let anyone tell you there’s a set way to explore your identity, don’t force yourself to do anything you’re not comfortable doing. if you need to vent, my dms are always open. be happy exploring your identity, there is no right way to do it. and remember that you’re always valid. 💜

[kibumkim]

(1/2) hey Adrian can I rant? nothing deep but I need to talk to someone who hasn’t got brain rot? it’s going to be a little long, sorry for that 😅 to preface: Indian here. now we all know about the bar being low for decent Korean idols. I wanna talk about fans of colour who accept (gratefully) racist bullshit. there is a show called fluttering India (2015) where 6 kpop idols came to India. 2 of them were shinee’s minho and exo’s suho. Here’s what happened during the show. 1. kpop fans protested that their pure baby idols shouldn’t go to dirty and scary india where they can get Ebola. 2. the PD gave the wrong schedule to the fans so they wouldn’t greet them at the airport. 3. Some fans still figured out the right time and waited for 12 hours at the airport. When the idols came, not one fan was allowed to greet them. They were threatened that if they did - the show would not be shot. 4. one guy came with a lot of kimchi because what is Indian food if not unhealthy and dirty. 5. One guy from the kr embassy assisted them to their hotel and one guy used the washroom and needed help from the embassy guy in finding the flush. Because we use manual flushes here. 6. They went to the slums! and Kyu Hoon (super junior) says “Now this is the real india!”. I think it was this show (can’t remember) where one of the guys got spoons because he thought that there will not be one place in the country where he’ll find a spoon. ya know, since we eat with our hands 🙃 8. they were at the Delhi gate when one middle-aged guy approached them to take a pic of him and his wife. comments section? “Omg I’m so embarrassed no one recognised them”, “I’m so glad they took the photo gratefully” like were they supposed to throw a tantrum? the entire comments section was filled with “such a great show! I’m embarrassed that no one recognised them! They should come to India now because every Indian knows their name” like bro did you not see the racism?

(2/2) when you search india Korea on YouTube, you get “do Korean guys like Indian women”, “what do Korean guys think about Indian women”, “reacting to Indian women - women in scantily laid clothes dancing in Bollywood and then calling it Indian culture 😎”, how do the girls react? “So proud they like our culture😌😌”, “I wish to date a guy like you” If they find a video on an Indian girl dating a Korean guy - “omg how did you do it? Will they like me - I’m dark skinned” like omg where’s your self-respect, when did self-worth become synonymous with being liked by guys from another country? It physically pains my heart to see young Indian girls (and black girls and girls from every community of colour) just letting themselves and their culture be disrespected. they are basing their self worth off idols who can’t give a shit and this is going to do so much long term damage to them. I’m so tired of seeing these idols and the entire industry actually disrespect every culture on the map and every single person is always supposed to assume that that not a single person in the entire industry has no clue on any culture but in the same length, all of us are supposed to tolerate every single bullshit thrown our way, liking a group and then wondering if the people in this group view our community as human beings. and then finding out that they don’t! And then having to listen from everyone and even people in your own community to not take it seriously. at this point, I plan on deleting every single kpop song from my library and forget all of this like I’m tired. Sorry for putting this on you. I don’t expect you to write an essay, I just really need to vent to someone who isn’t all about forgiving idols for their “mistakes” which at this point is my entire friend group.

Theres a lot here and I absolutely agree with everything thing you said this may be multiple rbs just to give a full scope of what i think about it so bear with me. But honestly a lot of these girls have internalized self hatred at this point like i knew girls irl that would say stuff like that like they would obsess over what men from other countries who had either no interest in them or didnt even know they existed and that was always wild to me? Like why do that to yourself? I understand liking a celebrity that happens to be a certain race/ethnicity but some of these people are obsessed with these men BECAUSE theyre that race and thats very different and dangerous imo!

Now onto the them actually…protesting them going to india..thats a WHOLE lot like jesus how racist do you have to be to even do some shit like that like i cant even wrap my head around that my god. Also like “im so embarrassed no one recognized them” that shit would happen in America too why even just say that about India specifically? Do they think every other country also knows these idols? And thats not even me down playing their fame a lot of people genuinely just dont pay attention to kpop so they don’t know them.

But yeah we definitely need to address the self hate that so many brown and black people have where they just like u said let themselves and their cultures get disrespected this was a good ask and im sorry that it took me a bit to respond to it!