#like .. there wasn’t a lot to adapt and they even failed there just so odd

[6ebe]

rewatching got is just making me even more annoyed at how poorly the show handled renly and loras like damn

[clean-casual-analysis]

Building My Ideal Hero

Cinefix on YouTube had a unique form of top ten movie heroes/villains videos where, instead of typical ranking, they layer traits on top of one another until they get a character that exemplifies all those traits at once. Speaking from experience, it’s actually a fun way to analyze and determine what I view as heroic or villainous. It’s also a convenient way for me to put out a bunch of What A Character! posts at once. So, to start off, I’ll be going through five of my favorite fictional heroes.

Trait One: Good Morality

The first trait my ideal hero needs is a good sense of morals, to do the right thing even when it’s hard. On the one hand, this seems an obvious trait for a hero to have. On the other hand, more comedic/selfish anti heroes have gotten the spotlight a lot of the time too. I wanted a more archetypal character to lend us this trait and almost considered my favorite ninja turtle Leonardo. But if we’re going for a rock-solid foundation of heroic morality, there are few that can match Sonic the Hedgehog.

The world’s fastest freedom fighter and menace to dark gods and mustached mad scientists everywhere, Sonic is a great starting point for this list. He might be a little cocky and impulsive, but his core dedication to goodness characteristically speeds past those flaws. He fights against Doctor Robotnik, not just for thrills, but because he hates bad people ruling over innocents. A loyal friend to many and protector of those who can’t defend themselves, the blue blur rushes into impossible odds with a smirk on his face.

Second trait: Skills and Strength

Now that my ideal hero has a good moral compass, let’s give them the skills to fight for what’s right. This isn’t strictly combat skills, plenty of heroes don’t need to throw punch to save the day. Maybe It’s through miraculous dimension altering like Elizabeth from Bioshock Infinite. Perhaps it’s the dozens of talents Bruce Wayne learned to be Batman. For this list, I’d be doing little kid me a disservice if I picked anyone else but Master Chief.

John-117 is the sci fi super soldier to end all super soldiers. He matches his genetically enhanced reflexes and strength with unparalleled skills in military combat. Hijacking vehicles, adapting to alien weaponry without fail, making a pistol look like a god gun, the legendary Spartan almost makes fighting off alien armies look easy. Add that to his character’s loyalty, his willingness to sacrifice for the greater good, and knack for inspiring others, and it’s clear why he’s a beloved icon.

Third trait: Forced into Heroism

Of course, not everyone has superhuman abilities or even want to be heroes in the first place. The next trait for my ideal hero belongs to the Everyman underdogs whose forced into heroism by forces beyond their control. This is the calamity trio of Amphibia, or most of the human characters in Transformers media. Horror movie protagonists are very often average people going up against unspeakable terrors, and no horror protagonist is quite better than my next pick, Ellen Ripley.

One of the many great details that made the first Alien movie stand out from other sci-fi greats was the working-class nature of its characters. This wasn’t a motley crew of misfits against a galactic empire or scientific explorers, this was a group of space truckers hauling fuel from one end of outer space to another. Even before they encounter the xenomorph, you get the sense that the corporation they’re working for is grinding them down. Ellen Ripley best represents that feeling, a no-nonsense blue-collar woman whose cautious fear turns into dire heroism when the perfect organism rears its head. When the human antagonists of the story talk about the benefits that the potentially world ending species could have for humanity, she gives exactly zero fucks. And despite her anger and fear, she’s still a kind person willing to put her life at risk for others.

Fourth trait: Tragedy

So far, we have a morally good character who’s forced into action but has the skills necessary to overcome the obstacles in their way. The next trait will add a layer of hardship to them. Tragedy isn’t a necessary trait for a hero to have, but the best ones are often the heroes who help because they know what it’s like to be helpless. The classic example is Peter Parker indirectly causing the death of his uncle, but I’m personally more another comic tragedy, Bruce Banner.

Exposed to gamma rays and turned into a rampaging monster known as the Hulk, Bruce Banner steers his alter ego into evil and hopes for the best. Intelligently good hearted as Bruce but unstably powerful as Hulk, the scientist’s struggle to control his emotions and heal from his trauma bring about the tragedy. The man’s own existence has the risk of spreading mass destruction at the rising of his heartbeat. Bruce’s determination to control his inner demons and conquer the tragedy that altered his life makes it clear why he’s the strongest there is.

Final trait: Empathy

Four traits down and we have a pretty solid hero in our midst. The last trait is arguably most important trait to me, the ability to empathize. These heroes don’t just settle for sending the bad guy to jail, they’re the ones who want a better future for everyone. This is iconic heroes like Optimus or Superman when they’re written at their best, but my choice for this this and all other traits discussed above is an obvious one. Steven Quartz Universe.

I already made a post detailing my love for the character, so I’ll just just into why he’s the perfect mix of the five traits. Raised by a humble single dad and three heroic guardians, Steven is kind hearted by default. While he fumbles due to his inexperience and childishness, his growing powers and outside the box problem solving means that he will always save the day. The growing threat of Homeworld and the secrets left behind by his mother force him into impossible odds he needs to overcome. The trauma he received throughout his adolescence resulted in a troubled and conflicted mind, adding relatable tragedy to his character in SU Future. But throughout all the changes he’s gone through, it’s Steven’s empathy that shines brightest. Understanding when others are hurt and need help, even when they’re enemies. Call it corny, but nothing to me is more aspirational in a hero than that.

[kalid-raven]

Name: Leander Julia Harrison Alias: Lee Gender: Cis Male Age: 26 Sign: Aries (March 25th) Height: 5'9" Hair: Semi-Short, layered, curly black. Eyes: Grey Ethnicity: Caucasian/Mixed, no idea who his father was. Sexual Orientation: Straight Notable Traits: Small spattering of freckles on his face, and a few moles over his person. Two small ones under his left eye. Job: Stripper Unofficial Job: Serial Killer (with a Conscience)

Weapons: A tire iron, sometimes modified piano wire for strangulation

Personality: Fiery, Short-tempered, Sarcastic, Protective, Suspicious, Jealous, Violent, Impatient, Observant, Highly affectionate, Confident, Excellent liar, Adaptable, Stubborn, Trustworthy.

Morality:  Chaotic good, he doesn't give a damn about the law, he feels it fails people more often than not. He has standards for who he kills, and his primary motivation is to protect those like him and his mother; Strippers and other types of sex workers. He won't raise his weapon to those he feels don't deserve it.

Background: (Summary) Leander's mother, Julia, was a sex worker in New York city who accidentally ended up pregnant, much to the ire of her "boss". Still, She chose to be a mother and brought her son into the world, and loved him dearly. Due to the nature of her work, she wasn't sure of the father, and it was doubtless whoever it was would want anything to do with them as it was. Julia did all she could to take care of Leander, but she had one vice that would be her undoing; drugs. She used them to cope with the terrible circumstances she was under, until eventually it took her life from an overdose when Lee was barely seventeen.

She wasn't perfect, she made mistakes, but she was still his mother and he loved her so much. Losing her broke him, and he blamed her "boss" for it. Still, he couldn't touch the man as much as he wanted to, as the wretch had thugs with skills and weapons the boy didn't have. Leander was left to try to pick up the pieces of his life and rush to find work, dropping out of a school. Julia had wanted him to focus on his education, but that wasn't even viable anymore for him. For a time he barely scraped by, working at a grocery store and odd jobs as he could. He always had a violent temper, he was used to restraining it, but that didn't mean he didn't think about smashing someone's face into the wall from time to time. Or beating them to a pulp in the parking lot. Or- you get the picture.

Lee was eighteen when a slightly older friend of his suggested her job to him; stripping. It wasn't news to Leander about her job choice, he grew up surrounded by people who worked jobs like that, his babysitter when he was little was a friend of his mom, who did the same work as her, just on different days. With bills piling up and his current job being miserable, he agreed, though didn't know how to start. This began his lessons in pole fitness and pole dancing, thanks to his friend, Sandra. She was a good teacher, and he learned a great deal quite quickly, as he was a very determined individual. He found he actually really enjoyed it.

It wasn't long until he applied for the job, wanting a good grasp of the skill before hand. He was accepted, and began working. He learned through his life that people could be horrible to sex workers, but he got a front row seat to it in his job. Sandra was a curvy stunner, so it was no surprise she was often a target of those who didn't want to obey the rules, or were too drunk to remember what they were. He nearly got into fights on more than one occasion with patrons who were too handsy.

The major turning point in his life that lead him down the path of killing happened one winter evening after work. Passing through the parking lot, he heard scuffling and muffled screaming. Rushing to the scene, he found Sandra fighting for her life to escape a creep trying to wrestle her to the ground. It didn't take a genius to figure out why.

Leander tackled the man and proceeded to beat the living hell out of him in a fit of rage, completely disregarding any pain or damage to himself in the process. He recognized the man, he had gotten thrown out for getting too handsy with the strippers. All Lee could see is red when he finally stopped punching the man and proceeded to choke him until he finally stopped struggling, and continued even after that, wanting to be sure the bastard would never get up again. Killing the man, stopping him from doing the unspeakable to Sandra, filled Lee with a profound sense of power and vindication.

Since then, Lee has found himself unable to shake that feeling nor the knowledge that he had capability of destroying them and make things safer for those he cared about, and those he didn't even know. That was the start of Lee's trip down the path of vigilantism, eventually settling on a tire iron to beat people to death with, and piano wire to strangle them if he acted more on opportunity since he can carry it in his pocket. He has been doing so for about two years now, and targets those who prey on strippers and sex workers of other kinds, and sometimes monsters in general as he sees them. Lee genuinely feels justified in his actions and that he's doing right by the world, and won't hear different.

A/N: Only took me forever ugh x.x Here's my dear Lee, with his sharp cheekbones, sharper glare, and intense rage threatening to explode every five minutes from his 5'9" frame. XD

[shotorozu]

Hello! so,, i just had a breakup with my boyfriend pfft- and uh, i would love to have my boys comforting me^^ so can i request maybe Todoroki, Bakugou, and Denki comforting the reader after her break up? Maybe she was so busy moping and drowning in her feels that she starts failing class or something?

Oh and- Hope your day goes well since it ain't for me lmao, much love for you and your talent!💕💓

breakup comfort

character(s) : todoroki shouto, bakugou katsuki, kaminari denki

legend : [Y/N = your name] female! reader at the request of anon, you have a strong quirk details are not specific

headcanon type : hurt-comfort, fluff

note(s) : 😦 i’m so sorry for not writing this any sooner. i haven’t been in a relationship personally but i could tell that breakups suck :( idk if this was a platonic or romantic request, so i kind of mixed it up here and there (it’ll make sense soon.)

»»————-　♡　————-««

todoroki shouto

observant is todoroki’s middle name— because he immediately notices that you’ve been a lot quieter than usual

and you’ve been spending time in your room a lot more than what’s normal (to you anyway)

it doesn’t matter if you’re extroverted or introverted, because he’ll just notice regardless

and what more, when you’ve been a little behind on practice exercises, and when you started zoning out

so todoroki— being naturally concerned, will be the first one to reach out to you after school hours

he’ll encourage you to be open to him about anything because ‘that’s why i’m here, right?’

and then when you reveal that you were freshly out of a breakup, it all made sense to him. he wishes he knew sooner

“i’m sorry that it went that way, Y/N.”

he’ll allow you to cry if you need to, resting a cool hand on your back in a comforting way (it’s a little awkward at first, but he’ll adapt quickly)

but if you don’t want to cry or if you don’t have the need to— he’ll offer you some soba, or a cup of water if you need it

or literally any kind of snack you need— just take whatever you need that’ll make you feel better. he has the cash

he’ll pull up with his laptop, and he’ll play your comfort movie :))

he might even try to tell you a joke he saw online, or a random fact he saw in a youtube video he’s trying, okay?

if you want to tell him the details too, he’ll be listening the entire time— and without saying much (unless you want his input)

he’ll advice you on what’s the best thing you should do— like,, if you decide to get closure in the future, he’d be supportive of that

but if you wanna forget about your ex, he’ll immediately help you get rid of things from the relationship. no questions asked

todoroki has never been used to comforting people (it’s not like his father taught him how to anyway) but i’d say he does a splendid job

bakugou katsuki

at first, he doesn’t notice and it looks like he doesn’t really care until he came looking for you— only to realize that you weren’t around, because you were in your dorm crying

he wasn’t so sure on why you’ve been acting odd lately, but it’s pretty bold of you— to think that you could hide it from him.

again, it doesn’t matter if you’re introverted or extroverted— because he’ll still come marching towards your way, fuming with anger but also quite nervous

“what’s up with you?” he practically demands, after a very unsuccessful training session, he dragged you out to practice with him

but you basically laid there, staring at who knows what. and don’t try denying it! he knows you a little too well.

so that’s when you tell him, tearing up as you recall the breakup that happened a day ago.

bakugou’s furious because what the hell?? he has to be an idiot to break up with you— and second of all, you’re crying over an extra like him?

i headcanon that if bakugou doesn’t like your s/o’s energy, he won’t bother on hiding it 💀

he’s struggling hard on not bursting into anger, but he chooses to sit right next to you— and roughly pats your head

he speaks after a while— “c’mon idiot, let’s go somewhere else.” pulling your arm upwards, because y’all need to go somewhere else

bakugou is dog water at kind words, so he will be silent the entire time. but! he will start doing things for you

first, he’ll make ask you to tell him how the breakup went, doesn’t matter if you cry or not— because he wants you to vent

and then, he’ll go around and box all of the things that reminded you of your ex

after you’ve calmed down— he’ll ask you why you guys broke up and why it took you so long and it doesn’t have to be very detailed

bakugou won’t give advice, he really won’t because he’s glad you’re done with him. “please, this guy? did you really want to spend your entire life with him? he’s an ugly extra anyway.” 🙄

he’ll get serious though, like,, if you need closure, he’ll definitely be opposed to the idea of talking to him but! he will be right by your side during the entire encounter

just don’t be surprised if your ex gets admitted to a hospital— it’s what bakugou wanted to do since the very beginning.

kaminari denki

he was slow at first 😭 i’m sorry

he was pretty tone deaf at first, asking about and talking about your ex wasn’t the move 😐 he doesn’t know so.. you can’t be mad at him

you’ve also had this really delayed response which was starting to get concerning— but he didn’t think too much because kaminari also has those moments

eventually, he’ll start becoming worried at your silence. you always spoke to him with the same energy introverted or not

so when you start crying when he asked you what was wrong, he panicked

“no no no don’t cry!” he’ll apologize, running around for a tissue to wipe your tears

he’ll hug you, not caring about the way his shirt is getting soaked with your tears, and he can only think about what could be the reason behind your tears and sadness :((

after you’ve calmed down, he’ll try to make the situation better by buying loads of snacks, and he’d tell you jokes he thought of in the moment.

he might even try short circuit just to make you laugh, but i don’t advise it

his main concern is not on what happened to you, but it’s rather on making you feel better!

so if you don’t want to tell him the context, he’s perfectly fine with that

but if you tell him the details of it all, he’ll be a little concerned for your ex because “first of all, is he dumb? 🤨 what a clown lol.”

and he’ll try to make you feel better by making you imagine weird shit they could do that could turn into icks

“imagine him as noah centineo in the 3rd movie of to all the boys i loved before.”

it.. helps?

regarding with wanting closure, he’s up to whatever you choose. wanna forget him? sure! want closure? sure! just don’t get back together with him

because y’all are exes for a reason

with advice, i wouldn’t say to rely on denki for that— because he had his fair share of troubles with his love life

but he does the perfect job of cheering you up, and making you laugh! practically making you forget about your worries.

»»————-　♡　————-««

likes and reblogs are appreciated, thanks for reading!

i do not own bnha/mha and it’s characters. boku no hero academia/my hero academia belongs to horikoshi kohei. i only own the writing and i do not profit off of my work

do not plagiarize, repost, translate, or use my work for audio recordings without permission :))

[lixiehan]

stress reliever

pairing: chan x self insert (female)

description: college au! school was hard and you often find yourself taking life a little too seriously - that’s where chan comes in. after being paired up for a science project (that’s worth a lot of your grade), you become irritable and stressed. the problem being, chan doesn't like attitudes. 

warnings: fluff and smut themes, lots of dirty talk, male receiving oral, dom!chan, bratty and sub!reader, degradation and public sex ig???

word count: 2.5k

requested by: @coffeechangbeanie​ (slightly adapted the plot - not by much) also based on this unholy gif of chan. ur welcome

“and that leaves chan and y/n” your professor said, nodding at you both. “i expect every single person to do their part in this assignment, is that clear?” he continued. the class acknowledged his wishes, despite half of them being asleep. 

you looked to your side to see your project partner, chan, who coincidentally happened to be your current fuck buddy. you had absolutely no idea how this came to be. you were a quiet, quote-on-quote ‘nerd’ and most boys at your school didn’t look at you. at least, that was the case, until you caught chan’s attention. of course, you found him insanely attractive. after all, his big lips and buff body ran around in your mind most days. you mostly saw him at school, as well as the very few parties you attended. you never considered approaching him, though. he’s usually found beside dozens of girls (hotter and more popular than you), pretty much begging to ride him. 

you also never considered the idea that chan, of all people, would approach you and offer you help. the very few times that boys spoke to you, it usually consisted of them for help with the work that had been set. yet, the ‘relationship’ between you two started the day he saw you staring at the paper in front of you with utter distress in your eyes. 

-

“y/n, right?” he spoke from behind you, his hand making an appearance on the table next to you. instantly you felt a knot in your stomach as he leaned over you, “you are looking particularly stressed” he continued. 

“u-urm, yeah a bit” you choked out, trying to swallow your nerves away. “maths is hard” you near enough whispered, not daring to look at him. 

“hmm, that’s not good. is it?” he sympathised, which sent shivers down your spine. the deep tone in his voice made it sound more like a groan, one that you had daydreamed of frequently. you shook your head frantically in response, acknowledging his words but fearing what your mouth would blurt out. this was quickly noted by chan, who radiated confidence like you had never seen before. you felt him bend over, his mouth now level with your ear. “can’t you use your big girl words?” he whispered. “want me to help you?” 

you gasped quietly at his seductive words and although you may be shy, you certainly are not stupid. his choice of words gave away exactly what he was offering you and as nerve-racking the experience may be, you were certain that a man as fine as him was going to know what to do in the bedroom. 

and well, you were right. 

-

“so when do you wanna get this out of the way with?” chan asked, snapping you back to reality. he noticed the dazed look in your eye, it was very apparent you were daydreaming about something. “thinking about last night?” he smirked, his hand now placed firmly on your thigh. 

you tutted in response, “no actually, i wasn't”. you tried to suppress your emotion, considering his guess wasn't too far off what you were actually thinking about. “stressed” you explained in attempt to change the subject. his hand moved to your lower back, rubbing gentle circles to soothe you. although chan was strictly your fuck buddy and stress reliever, he always provided you with comfort when you needed it. “relax, y/n” he told you, “we’ll get it done and we will get a good grade for you”. 

although he wasn’t the type of student that particularly cared about his grades, he at least tried to get a half decent grade - to some extent, at least. “can we meet up in our free period tomorrow?” you looked at him, wanting to get this stupid project over and done with. he nodded, secretly knowing it meant he would get some alone time with you. 

“cool, thanks”, you smiled forgetting where you were for a second, too busy staring into the chocolate brown eyes next to you, until the loud ringing of the bell made you jump. you were relived to have an excuse to look a way from him. 

without fail, every time you made eye contact with chan you were left with a pool of wetness between your legs - he knew it, too. he would stare at you, his head slightly titled back with his perfect pink lips begging to be kissed. he would lick his lips while staring at you, making them glisten in the most beautiful way possible. from his point of view, you looked desperate for his touch and he thrived off it. he often laughed at the expression on your face when you frantically deny that you aren’t turned on - you both know he can read you like a book. 

you hopped off the lab stool before bending down to pick up your bag, making sure chan had a good view of your ass. you heard him chuckle, “already wet from a bit of eye contact?” he teased. you smirked as your back was facing him, not offering him a response to his question but rather throwing your hand up to wave him goodbye. most likely, you were going to pay for that behaviour later. chan made it clear from the very beginning that he wanted you to be verbal and most of the time you were, except the odd occasion when you felt bratty. 

although you could count on chan to help with the project, ultimately you never split assignments with anyone 50/50. there had been one too many occasions of classmates fake promising you that ‘i’ll do it later!’, for you to fully relax. you headed towards your usual spot in the library, a table that was slightly hidden away amongst the endless shelves of books before setting your books down on the table. 

you picked your phone up which led you to the realisation that only an hour had gone by. you sighed, throwing your head onto the table in frustration. this project was a lot harder than you thought it was going to be and will all due respect to chan, if you didn't understand, he wasn’t going to either. 

your entire body had been screaming for you to go home and sleep for the past four hours, yet you refused and continued to sit there in complete and utter annoyance. it wasn't until the clock read 11pm that you decided enough was enough and picked your bag up with significant force, stress seeping from every inch of your body at this point. 

when you arrived at your apartment you immediately ran to your bed, not bothering to change - sleep was your priority right now.

*buzz, buzz* 

your eyes flickered open to the painful sound of your alarm, desperately throwing your arms around until you found the sounds source. you sighed, staring at your ceiling, contemplating if the pain of going to college was worth it after all. 

forty-five minutes later you were ready and heading out of the door, ready for another day of stress. you felt your phone buzz in your pocket, smiling to yourself knowing exactly who it was going to be.

[08:49am] chan: still on for later baby girl?

[08:49am] y/n: yes

you thought by now you’d be used to the pet names he called you, but you sure as hell were not. 

[08:50am] chan: ok. excited to see your little pretty face. 

[08:51am] y/n: science project, remember? 

you rolled your eyes in annoyance and shoved your phone back in your pocket. yes, as much as you wanted to ride chan’s face and be fucked into oblivion by him, you had other priorities right now. you barely slept last night because of this stupid project, the last thing you wanted was chan to be all over you when trying to complete it. 

-

"you’re late” he teased you as you walked into the science lab where you agreed to meet. your eyes gazed at your watch, which showed 1:33pm. you scoffed, “hardly”.  

you took out your laptop and textbook, tossing both onto the countertop next to chan, before making your way over to the stool to this right. he noticed your demeanour straight away, usually you would have apologised for being late - even if it was only three minutes - and you would have crawled to his side offering to make it up to him. he decided to remain quiet for the time being though, the longer your attitude lasted, the more reason he would have to get his way with you. 

you opened up the textbook to reveal the notes you spent hours on last night. “you already started?” he queried, pulling the book closer to him with a confused look on his face. 

“yes and it’s going to be a hard essay to write so we better get on with it” you noted, opening up a word document on your computer. 

“and you started writing it?” he asked, this time in disbelief. 

“only a few hundred words” you shrugged like it was nothing, even though it took you hours. he sighed, “its a project for two people, y’know?” 

“yes chan, of course i know that. i was in the class with you when it was given, was i not?” you snapped at him, running your hands through your hair in frustration. he meant nothing by his words and you knew he was right, you probably should have waited to start it but your inability to cope with stress takes over you sometimes. 

“attitude, y/n” he warned you sternly. alongside the rule of always being verbal and answering his questions, chan also had a rule against bratty attitudes. if he sensed an attitude on you, he would fix it via a punishment - something you were *somewhat* familiar with. the few times you were bratty it was usually because of how irritable you become when stressed. “was just saying”, he defended himself. 

you ignored his warning, continuing with “you weren’t gonna be the one to do the background reading, were you chan?”. 

once you made the mistake of turning to face him and realising he had an eyebrow raised at you and a dark look in his eye, you knew you well and truly fucked up. 

“get on your knees” he ordered you, which for some reason, took you by surprise. you gulped, hesitating for a moment before he told you for a second time. “don’t make me ask three times, princess”. 

you scrambled to the floor and placing yourself under the desk and in-between his legs. “what have i warned you about multiple times?” he asked, placing his finger on your chin, forcing you to look at his eyes. 

“n-not to be a brat” you stuttered, his gaze making you nervous. 

“that’s right” he hummed. “and what do you continue to do?” 

“b-be a brat”, you admitted. with deadline season around the corner you hadn’t been able to help your attitude lately. 

he nodded, appreciating your honesty. “now, i’m going to fuck that attitude right out of our mouth” he told you as he slowly lowered his jeans. “and you’re going to take it like the good girl i know you are. isn't that right?” 

you nodded frantically and bit your lip, scared you may end up saying something you shouldn’t. “remember princess, you gotta be quiet otherwise we’ll end up with an audience” he warned you. “but something tells me my pretty little slut would like that” he hummed, running his hands through your hair before grabbing it in order to control your head. you instantly felt the heat rise in-between your legs as you listened to his filthy words. 

you opened your mouth wide in anticipation for him, hoping it would work your way to his good side. he teased his member at the end of your mouth, knowing you probably wanted this more than he did. you felt his grip tighten on your hair as he pushed his way into your mouth with no warning. you battered your eyelashes up at him, hallowing your cheeks and trying to suppress your urges to gag. 

“you like being used like this, don’t you” he groaned in a low tone. your mouth felt insane around him, there was no way he was ever going to get used to this feeling. you hummed in response, sending vibrations down his member and earning another honey glazed moan from him. 

you tapped his leg and he pulled back, knowing that was your indication that you needed to breathe. you still hadn’t learnt to take him like this fully, his sheer size being too much for your petite mouth, but he loved the way your mouth looked so full as he thrusted in and out of it.

“god, look at you” he appreciated, “you're taking me so well after that bratty little outburst of yours” he groaned, his head rolling back in pleasure. 

although you could hardly ignore the pool of wetness that was growing in your underwear, you were aware chan would catch onto any slight movements you made to try and release yourself. right now, you had to focus on your breathing and making chan cum. 

although he was being careful not to be too rough with you, his pace picked up slightly as you drew him closer to the edge. you moaned around his member again, adoring the sight you saw above you. “fuck baby” he moaned, i'm gonna cum all over that tongue of yours”. 

you wiggled in excitement at his words. you adored the taste of him (considering he ate exceptionally well), but you adored the fact that you were the one that made him feel that good. 

his thrusts continued to pick up pace as you coughed slightly around him, but moments later he came undone all over your mouth. “hold it” he told you as he bent down to pick you up from the floor. he did this a lot, he liked to watch and make sure you swallow his cum - otherwise there’d be another punishment over his lap. 

you obeyed, waiting for his instructions. “okay, you can swallow”. you promptly swallowed his mess, opening your mouth wide to prove to him it had all gone. 

“that's my good girl” he cooed, pulling you onto his lap into a gentler manner. “what’s with the attitudes, huh?” he asked. now he punished you, it was time to make sure you were actually okay. 

“sorry, channie” you apologised, twiddling with your thumbs. “been really stressed. shouldn’t have taken it out on you” you admitted. 

“yeah, you shouldn’t have” he nodded, “but it’s okay. feel better now?” he asked, brushing your hair behind your ear. you nodded in response, your stress levels now significantly lower. “talk to me properly next time princess. i’ll help you” 

you agreed to approach him next time you felt like this, knowing it would be better for both of you. you placed a small kiss on his plump lips, hoping off his lap and sitting next to him - suddenly remembering someone could enter at any second. he giggled at you, considering you didn’t care if someone entered 5 minutes ago.  

“thanks chan” you smiled at him, picking up the pen in front of you, ready to give this project another go. 

“no problem princess. i like being your personal stress reliever”

[watevermelon]

Expectations | Shirabu Kenjirou x Reader

✧ Summary: Having attended Shiratorizawa Academy from junior high, you were familiar with most of the students in your year. They were average, nothing special — until a certain vbc setter, from god knows whatever small town junior high he crawled out of, changed up your world. -> Tag: maybe language cause it’s shirabu; fluff and jealousy + slight angst

---xXxXxXxXxXxXxXx---

Shirabu Kenjirō was a living, breathing pillar of salt. And it was rightly so. He was the friend, the shoulder to cry on, and the person that everyone viewed as reliable. This was not entirely a bad thing, since he was viewed as much more dependable than others. And this idea was not limited to volleyball. But being placed in that category separated him from the very people who put him there. The girls viewed him as, at most, a friend. He was the king and leader of the friend zone.

It was the end of his second-year and he would soon be taking over as captain of the boys’ volleyball team. He justified lack of love life on the fact that he had bigger things to focus on. And after their crushing defeat, Shirabu reasoned that Shiratorizawa needed a focused captain to lead them to victory.

But the road to triumph was… rather lonely.

Shirabu had his team with him one-hundred percent and silently appreciated them for their confidence and own unfailing determination (he won't admit out loud!) But it seemed like he was surrounded by couples. His kouhai, Goshiki Tsutomu, found comfort in another first-year that was a regular on the women's volleyball team. 

Couples were disgusting.

Of course, majority of the members of the male volleyball were single. Ushijima was a super volleyball idiot and his focus seemed to never stray from the sport. But even with his cinnamon roll personality, the female base of Shiratorizawa seemed to flock to him. He was undoubtedly very handsome and tall. His grades were well above average and his fan club was incredibly prominent. Ushijima had all the makings of a great man and was noticed as such by a large pool of the student body. The difference was that Ushijima was willingly single.

Shirabu, deep in the non-explored depths of his heart, wanted to be noticed like his Senpai. When playing volleyball, Shirabu strived to be the type of setter that went by unnoticed and drew out the strength of his ace. And he knew the consequences of such. But still. He was the main setter on a highly prominent team and his skills are not hard to notice.

Maybe it was his rough personality? Pft. He would never change that for a person, no matter how special.

Shirabu was above average height and had amazing grades in a prestigious powerhouse. What wasn’t there to like? His sense of style was trendy and he was complimented on his clothes more than once. He as not too preppy like Goshiki and not too wild like Tendou. Was it his looks? His bangs were unusual, but they weren't as bad as coconut-head/bowl/Goshiki. Since entering adolescence, he failed to ever break-out and was blessed with marvelous clear skin. On more than one occasion, he would stare at the mirror and truly wonder just why.

Why was no one interested?

Enter you.

You attended Shiratorizawa in both middle and high school. Coming from a wealthy family, there was nothing standing in your way. You were fairly popular and had seen the multiple personalities flit through your advanced classes. And in your first-year came Shirabu, an outsider to Shiratorizawa from a lower-class middle school. After being in the system for three-years, you knew almost everyone and seeing a new face was refreshing.

From the very start, you wanted to bet to know him more. But he was incredibly reclusive and mysterious to the general student body. Nobody could answer your questions. Well. Nobody except a certain Salami and volleyball idiot. You shared an advanced statistics class with the two third-year volleyball players in your first year and from them you were able to peer more and more into the life of Shirabu Kenjirō.

“Why do you want to know, (F/N)-chan?” Tendou instigated, “You have a crush on him?”

“Please, Salami calm down.” He raised his hands and gasped, “Come on. There isn’t a single person in this school who I don’t know and suddenly nobody knows anything about him?”

“He is smart and adaptable.” Ushijima chimed in.

“And a little shit, that’s for sure.” Tendou stated. You rolled your eyes and returned your attention back to the statistics teacher. Sure, you wanted to learn more. But this class was hella hard and you still needed good grades. Eventually, you were able to gradually acquire more information and Kenjirō. You learned that he was the only player from the boys’ volleyball team to not get into Shiratorizawa with a sports scholarship. Instead, he got in on his own accord through the arduous exams and good grades.

The more you discovered, the more you liked him.

Shirabu had a work ethic that you hadn't seen in a while. Being in this particular school-system for so long ruined your perception of it. You perceived most of your classmates to have a truly pretentious or judgmental personality, but showing to be as sweet as honey to your face. Of course they wanted to be your friend, who wouldn't with your last name?

He hadn't.

Shirabu was straight-forward with a tongue laced with salt. Sign you the fuck up!

He had no qualms about talking back to you and you looked forward to your daily banter with an odd smile. It was strange. You could get any nice, sweet boy in the whole school. But what was the point if they didn't mean it? Shirabu was honest - a trait that should never be given up, even if it offended others. You would rather have someone give you genuine advice - even if it was mostly mean - rather than an empty friendship.

You had majority of the same classes together for the second year in a row. And you were the only person who would had the immediate desire to sit next to Shirabu as a partner. You silently viewed him as a friend, but there was always this barrier that you could never get over for your friendship to deepen. His time was always dedicated to volleyball. And you did not play any sports anymore.

You watched the volleyball team's crushing defeat to Karasuno and the heartbreak it caused to so many people, Shirabu included. The women's team was resorted to tears and you could not even look at the men for too long. Reon and Semi were so sweet and you wished you could protect them for all the bad in the world. You had never seen Shirabu cry before.

Shirabu... He seemed to only display emotion around his team. And this made sense since those were the people that he was closest too. The rare occasion you had seen his smile was when you had watched a game. They had an overwhelming victory against Johzenji High and you spotted the small grin on Shirabu after he scored the winning point. Your heart could barely take it. You only wished that he showed that side more to you...

He was friendly, but distant enough for you to want more. Shirabu was not cold to you and his harsh chitchat did not hold any true malice behind his words. But he never opened up to you. You wanted to learn more about him personally and if you wanted to, you would have to pry and almost force him to speak. He would give curt answers and then be done with the conversation. But, on more than one occasion, you would spot him typing away on his phone. It was no secret that the boys’ and girls’ volleyball team were fairly close and had a groupchat shared amongst them. You silently wondered if he was texting a girl from the team.

That thought had you instantly deflated and made you wondering if you ever had a chance with Shirabu. You were not one to be easily defeated, but with every brief conversation and blank expression he gave you, you considered giving up altogether. This happened around Valentine’s Day of your first-year. Shirabu was abnormally delighted and even smiled in the classroom at someone’s joke. You figured that sure, it was the day of love and he probably had something lined up for himself and his significant other – that was why he was so happy. And it hurt your heart. He smiled, but it was never because of you.

From there forward, you tended to avoid him to evade the imminent heartache every time you saw him. This was hard since you literally sat next to each other in most classes, but something entirely doable. You would leave the classroom immediately after class, show up right before it started, and not initiate conversation. It was always you that had previously opened up discussion, so when you had stopped there was little to none at all.

Shirabu caught up to your change and silently questioned it. On multiple occasions, you would catch him observing you from the corner of your eye and you silently hoped he would not question you outloud. Within a week, he was ready to corner you.

You were at your locker right after class, ready to pack-up and head over to photography club. He was silently bounding towards you and when you closed the locker he was standing right-there before your eyes.

“Did I do something to offend you?” He asked the moment your locker closed.

“No…” You stated haphazardly, clutching your backpack.

“You’re never his quiet or shy.” He noted, “Did something else happen?”

“I have to get to photography club…” Shirabu put his arm on the locker and blocked your exit. He was tall and there was no way you could out-run him, you were trapped.

“Don’t lie. We know it starts in twenty-minutes. You might be on the executive board, but you have a lot of time.” He sighed out, locking to the ceiling and then back to you. “Why are you ignoring me?”

“… Am I your friend, Shirabu?”

“Of course.” He did not hesitate to answer. “And it’s Kenjirō.”

“What?”

“Call me by my first name.”

“Oh.” You paused and let the name roll of your tongue, “Then you should call me by my first name too, Kenjirō-kun.” His eyes widened at the added suffix and a rosy dust covered his cheeks.

“Was that it?” He asked, “Come on, (F/N). That’s an immature reason to ignore me.”

“How was I supposed to know?” You questioned, “It never seems like you actually want to talk to me.”

“I’m talking to you now.”

“Outside of this!” You were beyond frustrated, “Ugh I’m fine now go away.” You lightly pushed his arm, but he did not budge.

“As if that would convince me.”

“You are so annoying.” You commented, “You never initiated conversation. I thought I was just bothering you.”

His gaze on you softened and you could not break the eye-contact, “You’re an idiot.” He teased and then ruffled your hair. That was the first time he had ever done physical-contact with you and you almost exploded then and there.

“I’m an idiot?” You repeated before walking away mid-sentence, “I’m hoping you treat your girlfriend better.”

He paused and let us hand drop down to grab your elbow before you go away. “Girlfriend? Where did this come up?”

“I thought…” Shit, you let that thought slip out-loud, “The men and women volleyball teams are close. And I’ve only ever seen you hang-out outside of class with them and those girls. I just assume...”

“You assumed wrong.” He quickly cut-off, “Ugh. What am I going to do with you?” He asked as he grabbed you into a hug. You returned the affection and you knew that a blush must have stained your face! And what was that question?

Shirabu continued, “So was that the real problem? You were jealous of my supposed ‘girlfriend?’” He laughed at his question and you were going to die from his smile. God it was so rare and you wished he graced you with it more!

“No! Don’t get too ahead of yourself!” You yelled back, but it was muffled against his chest. He leaned back to see your face and teased you for your embarrassed expression.

“You’re an idiot.” He laughed again.

Since then, your friendship with Kenjirō was gradually improving. But it seemed that there was this silent barrier that you could not overcome. You could talk about your problems, but not about his. And since then, he had not initiated any physical contact. If you ever brushed hands or simply leaned against him, he should shift away and pretend it never happened! Did you really make any progress?

Finals were coming up and that was giving you one last chance to spend time with Shirabu before the end of the schoolyear. Sure, you could always ask your father and he had the power to put you two in the same class again next year - But! Did you want to waste your last year together pinning after him?

Your study group was comprised of yourself, Shirabu, Kawanishi, and two people from his class. Kawanishi was in Class 5, which was also advanced, but he was so damn lazy! You saw his potential and only wished that he tried harder and quit fucking around.

The three other members of the group were missing that night and the two of you were left alone to grovel over English. Your English was better than Shirabu’s but the opposite could be said about history. You paired each other well and aided the other's faults.

You commented on this once jokingly, saying, "You complete me!" He simply rolled his eyes and brushed it off before continuing to study.

Damn. This boy cannot take a hint.

You attempted to show the boy your advances. But it seemed Shirabu would shut you down at every try, almost like he knew what you were doing and was firmly against it. A part of you considered backing down. He had made his intentions clear for two straight-years, maybe you should not waste another year on someone who obviously does not want your attention?

That thought last for a second before you waved it off. There was no one else you were even remotely interested in. If he said no, that’s fine. But you were probably not going to peruse anyone else.

Both you and Shirabu were spacing out from over-reading the textbook and happened to make eye contact. "What's on your mind?" You asked.

"Things you cannot understand."

"You really think that low of me?"

"No. I'm going to be the captain of the volleyball team in a few weeks."

"Wow."

"There's no way your pampered ass would get it."

"You think about my ass?" You teased, but he pretended to ignore the question. You spent enough time with him to notice the minute narrowing of his eyes and the slight curve in the corner of his left lip.

Damn, this boy had you bad.

"I'm sure you'll do fine, Kenjirō." You comforted, "You're very smart and reliable. I believe that your training won't betray you."

"Reliable..." He murmured. "That's exactly what I'm talking about."

"What do you mean?"

He scoffed at your question, "Exactly. You won't understand."

"Then explain it to me!" You exclaimed.

"Why should I?" He seemed just as inflamed.

"Because I care about you! You big, dumb, idiot!"

Shirabu paused before fully looking at you, surprise evident. "Well, everyone expects this idiot to be reliable and lead the team. But..."

"But...?"

"That's all that people expect from me. To be the smart one. To live to everyone's expectations and shoulder the border of living up to the name ''powerhouse.'" He was getting more agitated and louder with each word.

"Woah, calm down."

"I can't calm down! In a few weeks, I'll lose the ace that I've admired for years and majority of our regular team! How am I supposed to fill in their shoes when we're losing one of the top 3 spikers in the country?"

You had no shame in grabbing his chin and turning his full attention to you. "Listen here you idiot. Don't interrupt me! I said don't! I stopped sports, but I know this is something entirely inevitable. Your senpai's are moving onto the next phase of their lives, but it's not something you can stop or change. You have to accept the future and make the most out of it and I know you will. Shiratorizawa is not the only school with graduation. Your rivals and others will lose their precious third-years and its then will you be able to analyze them and attack. But you need to calm the fuck down."

Shirabu was hanging onto every word. Nodding at some parts and fully taking in what you were trying to convey. At the end of your speech, he pushed your hands away from his face with a slight rosy dust on his cheeks. No woman, outside of his mother, had ever done that to him before.

"You're a real pain, (F/N)." he started, "But thanks. I needed that."

"No problem, I just want you to know that I can be here for you." You extended your hand to cover his own on the desk.

His eyes latched onto your hand before he averted his gaze and attempted to pull his hand away. You kept a tight enough grip to keep it in place, but not enough to hurt. "Must you touch me so much?"

"You are such a tsundere, oh my god." You commented, "Of course, I had to like you."

He stilled and looked directly into your eyes, as if that would confirm your previous statement. "Are you really that surprised?" You asked. "You're really handsome and you have the type of personality that I find most attractive."

"Tsundere?" He joked.

"No. You're honest." You admitted, "You're not like the rest of them, who only see dollar signs when they see me. You've roasted my ass multiple times in class and I wouldn't have it any other way. You say the truth and don't sugar-coat your words for anyone."

"I like you." You simply stated. You watched the words seem to finally reach something in his mind and at this point he seemed to panic. He pulled his hand away and you did not hide your outward hurt. Shirabu made a lame excuse and quickly packed up his stuff to leave.

You never felt more sad and alone.

XXXXX

Shirabu was freaking the fuck out. He wanted someone to notice him and it had to be you??? You were beautiful and nearly perfect in every way. Your beauty went beyond the physical level and you were blessed with intelligence and an even greater family tree.

None of this mattered to him before. You were his friend and classmate and probably the one person in class who did not endlessly irritate him. How could you possibly have feelings for him? He didn't deserve you, not a bit. He had an endless list of faults, including his knowingly sarcastic personality, and you were the friendliest person in school! No way. You could be happier with literally anyone else.

He could not deny all your positive traits, even though he made an effort to ridicule you. You were an overall amazing person and he could not deny his latent crush on you. But he had squashed it since your friendship was mostly comprised of friendly banter. You could never have feelings for him, he previously thought. So he would rather treasure your friendship and watch you from the sideline.

However, Shirabu had to admit that it was a dick move of him just to leave you there after your confession. He was usually the type to speak his mind and your feelings must have blinded his brain. He set-out to clear the air and admit why.

In class the next day, you were nowhere to be found and refused to respond to calls and texts. Seeing you so affected, Shirabu could not help but feel like a huge ass. He owed you big-time, but he had to start somewhere: an apology. Shirabu had to clear the air and make it known that he appreciated your affections, even if he had to deny them. He was not above annoying you and did such continually.

Knocking on your dorm room, he showed up right at your front door.

Shirabu heard movement inside, but not closer to the door. He called your phone again and heard the ringtone go off from within, just for you to mute it. He knocked about eleven more times before you opened the door.

"What do you want?!" You asked as you swung the door open with full force.

"To clear the misunderstanding, (F/N)."

"God, you are so annoying. Did you know that?"

"You are too. Now hear me out, you crazy."

"Excuse me?!"

"Please." You sighed and moved aside for him to enter and he did such. He uncharacteristically took your hand and guided you to sit-down on your bed.

He paused, as if to fully think about his words, before sitting next to you. "You need someone who has time for you."

"What?"

"I'll be the captain soon and I do not want to disappoint anyone. I'll be busy and unable to be the proper boyfriend."

"Is that your only complaint to this relationship?"

"No."

"What else?"

"You deserve someone who can make you happy."

You gave a small laughed and asked, "Who says you don't already make me happy?"

He stared at your for a moment before asking, "What?"

"I don't want someone who you think will make me happier with kind words or bullshit. I want someone honest." You candidly admitted, "And we are friends already. I know you're dedicated to volleyball and I don't want that to change. I already know how you are and that’s why I like you more than anyone else. You alone can make me happy. For someone smart, why is this so hard for you to understand?"

He sputtered, unable to give a cohesive reply and for once you saw be great Shirabu struggle over his usually articulate words.

"Wait." You realized that he had multiple complaints about this relationship before you interrupted him. "Just be straight with me. Do you have feelings for me?"

It was at this moment that Shirabu had the clearest view of you. You were in the closest proximity than ever before, sharing a seat on your bed! He could gaze clearly into your eyes and sense the distress and vulnerability from your previous words. He stretched the silence and you took that as a rejection. He immediately rectified the situation by grabbing your hand and placing a light kiss at the top.

"I never thought you were interested in me." He admitted, "I thought I was deep in the friend zone. So I would have rather kept your friendship than risked ruining it."

"You're an idiot." You smiled grabbing his wrist to pull him closer. He obliged and allowed you to place a light kiss on his cheek.

"Now will you be my boyfriend or will I have to convince you?" You whispered in his ear to tease him and could literally see the shiver go down his back as he stiffened.

When you pulled away, his eyes were half-lidded and you silently wondered if his dominant attitude translated romantically.

You didn't have to wonder long since he returned the favor and went even further, nibbling your ear lightly before placing butterfly kisses around your neck. "Maybe you'll have to convince me."

You laughed before wrapping your arms around his neck, quickly taking command and enveloping his lips against your's. However, you did not have it for long and the setter was quick to flip the positions and hover over you. He gave one his rare smiles and you felt one breaking out across you'rs, stretching from ear to ear. Shirabu, who was in no rush, descended back down to your silky lips - noses bumping and hands fisting into each other's hair. His grip was firm, but not tight enough to hurt. You moaned, unintentionally, and he took that as an invitation to lick the entrance to your cavern. You parted your lips quickly, eager to feel his tongue against yours. The rest of the day went by ignored, the two of you enveloped in each other's affection with not a single care in the world.

[ddarker-dreams]

In Your Eyes. Yan Izaya x Reader [COMM]

warnings: izaya orihara counts as a warning if im being honest. dude’s a jerk. word count: 3k.

7:12 PM. 

This isn’t the time of day that Izaya would normally close his services. Not when most of his clientele operate under the cover of night, crawling out from their day jobs and towards him. Izaya’s second monitor is a testimony to that. Message after message flooding in, notifications going ignored after a brief glance. The inquiries have a wide range. From a businessman wanting to know if the wife in his loveless marriage is cheating on him as he suspects, to the yakuza seeking information on a rival group that has been infringing on their territory. These people, deep as their pockets may be, occupy an insignificant role at the time. 

Izaya’s eyes flicker to the live feed coming in from outside his apartment. One sight in particular catches his attention, his lips quirking into a self-satisfied smirk. He stands from the leather chair behind his desk, stretches, and makes for the kitchenette. There’s a spring in his every step as he walks, fingers running over a variety of untouched teas. Earl grey, matcha, chamomile. Chamomile might be best here, he thinks. Izaya busies himself with boiling the appropriate amount of water. Any second now, he just needs to be patient… 

There’s a tentative knock on his door. 

Izaya already anticipated having a most prized visitor paying him a visit. The door was unlocked in advance, but the excitement in his veins is making it difficult to decide on what approach to use. Calling over to come in, or answering the door himself…? He decides on the latter. Playing the indifferent game is growing tiresome. When he swings the door wide open, Izaya’s greeted by the sight of you. You must not have been expecting such a swift response, as a cute gasp leaves your lips. Ah, how endearing a sight.

Not one to stand in silence for long, he extends an enthusiastic greeting. “Ah, [First]-chan, what a lovely surprise. Come in, come in.” 

You do as he instructs, an uncertain smile on your face. He notes how you scrutinize your surroundings. Eyes shifting to every wall, your posture remaining stiff as you remain focused on nothing in particular. After a moment of deliberation, your attention returns to him, and you bow your head.

“I hope I’m not intruding,” you let out a strained laugh, fixating on the soles of your shoes. “I’m sure you must be really busy, but, uh… I had some stuff I wanted to discuss. With you, that is.” 

“You’re in luck then, as I’m not doing anything at the moment,” Izaya pauses at the high pitched sound that signifies his water is done boiling. From how easily startled you are by the noise, he almost wants to tease you. Not yet, he decides. There’ll be time for that later. “Would you like some tea?” You nod your head. “If it isn’t any trouble.” 

He takes this time to recall the cryptic text message you sent him earlier. How much self restraint it took not to respond -- for the greater good, he reminds himself -- the contents catching his interest. You’ve been remaining purposefully vague. Is it to tantalize him? Keep him in the dark for some unknown reason? How interesting, the myriad of possibilities you bring to the table! Izaya’s own theories are plentiful. Hearing it from you beats anything his own imagination could concoct. It was a gamble that you’d actually come by today since he never responded, a test to see just how important this discussion is to you. 

It must be vital if you took the train from Ikebukuro to Shinjuku to get here, as he’s aware you have classes tomorrow morning. The day after that is clear of any university activities if memory serves. This further proves the point to Izaya that whatever it is on your mind must be taking high priority. How his heart flutters at the thought, anticipation rising as he whips together the tea. Humans once again exercise their adaptability, moving along in new directions, with just a tiny push from him. 

When he returns, cups of steaming tea in hand, you’ve already made yourself comfortable on his couch. Your legs crossed, hands clasping together on top of your lap. Izaya’s oncoming set up footsteps must not have been enough to alert you to his presence, so he clears his throat. Just like you did before, you startle, jumping in place. Izaya tuts at your reaction.

“It’s not good to keep zoning out like this, [First]-chan. What if you trip and hurt yourself on the way home? Now, I can’t be having that.” He teases while handing you your teacup. You wear a sheepish smile on your face, cheeks turning a rosy hue from his teasing. This might be the first time he’s ever seen you this out of it. Upon closer inspection, there are bags underneath your eyes, and your overall reaction time is sluggish. Hm…

Izaya takes a set beside you, likely closer than he needs to be, but you never protest. A loud sigh leaves your lips as you sink into his couch. “I sent you a text earlier, but I don’t think you ever saw it.” 

He nods his head in confirmation. The chamomile seems to be working its wonders already, your shoulders slumping down further. Easing you up in his presence has never been a simple task. 

“I’ve been thinking a lot recently,” you take another sip, wincing at how the hot liquid burns as it travels down your throat, “What I realized is that, maybe I do rely on others too much. When Miki went missing earlier this year, you said something similar, didn’t you? That there was a lot I couldn’t do. At the time, I didn’t want to believe you. I still don’t know if I do. So that’s why I wanted to ask if you still think that of me.” 

So that’s what is haunting your mind? A budding identity crisis? He wasn’t expecting something as ordinary as this, feeling almost taken aback that you’d come to him on the topic. Maybe it’s hypocritical of him to think that way. He often finds himself thinking back to the first time you showed up at his office, replaying your words and expressions in his mind like a projector. It’s unlike Izaya Orihara to be a sentimental person, yet he recalls your first meeting with immense fondness. 

- - -

Namie had almost dismissed you. She informed Izaya that there was no practical way you could afford these services, and that taking your appointment would be a waste of time for them both. A standard broke college student isn’t worth all the effort. And on a regular day, he would’ve been inclined to agree. Maybe it had been the boredom, as nothing of interest was brewing in Ikebukuro at the time. Whatever the reason, in retrospect, he’s grateful for the chance encounter. 

“A missing person’s case?” Izaya glances down at the coffee table, where you’ve laid out numerous personal pictures. All featuring the same girl -- Yamato Miki -- who you’ve come here today to seek help for. The job feels familiar, while simultaneously being unlike anything he’s been asked for at the same time. Information for the whereabouts of unsavory folk isn’t a rare request. This falls into a different category. You’re not asking out of ill intent, or he would’ve picked up on that by now. You weren’t lying when you said you were worried about the wellbeing of your friend. 

His eyes return to you shifting in your seat. “I’m curious. Why not go to the police about this instead of me?” 

From how your nostrils flare, he can piece it together before you even verbalize a response. This is the first question of his to earn such a blatant reaction. Everything prior, you had responded to the best of your ability, trying to keep your emotions in check. You steady yourself with a deep breath.

“I’d gone plenty of times, and none of them seemed to care in the slightest! Miki… she has a bit of a record, you see. Nothing serious, she wouldn’t ever hurt anyone, just stuff haunting her from her teenage years,” your gaze lowers, fists clenching by your side. “Since she used to run away from home a lot, they think it’s something like that.”

Izaya sees the pieces of this puzzle falling into place. It’s been about ten minutes since you came in, explaining your story, and his interest is starting to wane. There’s nothing that sticks out to him as unique. Maybe giving you the time of day was a mistake after all, like Namie suggested. Still, the question remains, why go to him specifically? You, a seemingly upstanding citizen, must surely have better options. 

He’ll entertain this charade a tad longer. It’s not like he has anything better to do.

“It’s not unreasonable to think that,” Izaya can’t help but agree with what the police had told you. The change in your demeanor is subtle, former timidity melting away. Greedy as it might be, he wants to see more of this unsightly side of you. So he continues prodding without relent. “People with troubled pasts such as your friend have next to impossible odds to overcome.” 

Your jaw’s clenching, he can see the imprints of how hard your fingernails dig into the palm of your hands. It’s simple to play someone like you to his own tune, he muses. Izaya just about had his fill of this. Maybe he’ll put a last nail in the coffin for good measure. Will you curse at him? Explode and yell? Break down crying? Storm off without a word?

“Chances are, she got in way over her head, and is currently laying dead in an alley somewhere. Or maybe she is somehow alive! In that case, what will you do then? If she couldn’t rely on you, her supposedly closest friend, why do you think that is? She either doesn’t trust you as much as you thought, or was taking advantage of your kindness all along.” Izaya can’t help the smile that curls onto his lips. Now that’s the look of despair he wanted! Being confronted with a fate you knew all along, and yet tried so hard to ignore. Only to fail, to be drawn into a vulnerable position of reality--

“So what?” The tone of your voice is eerily collected. You take a deep breath, glassy eyes refusing to break contact with his own, a sense of resolve keeping you in tact. Izaya tilts his head at this conjecture, as if to invite you to elaborate further. 

“So what if she might be as bad as you say she is? Miki is my friend. I don’t care for some arbitrary method of judging people based only on possibilities. I’ll see the truth for my own eyes and decide myself.” 

Well… to be honest, he was expecting an entirely different reaction. For you to scold someone like him is borderline laughable, yet here you are, doing just that. So why does he find himself even more drawn to you than before? There’s been passion ignited inside you by his own hands, social etiquette thrown to the wayside. Instead of letting this newly lit fire run rampant, you control the flame, refusing to burn as he intended you to. Izaya Orihara has never been one to back down from a challenge. Maybe this isn’t a waste of time after all.

Izaya leans in, resting his temple on his fist. “Pray tell, [First]-chan, what would you do in the event that I’m right? And your precious friend is involved with stuff she shouldn’t be?” 

“I’ll give her a good wakeup slap,” you place a finger to your cheek, considering the proposition. “Then chew her out for making me worry as much as she has. In the end, I want her to know that she can come to me with anything, even the worst she has to offer. That’s what friends are for.”  

A mindset like this is idealistic to say the least. Optimism has never been a field Izaya has excelled in, as he bases things on concrete reality. Is that even the correct label for your way of thinking, he wonders? You’re not ignoring the possible truth, making excuses for her, or even considering enabling her poor behavior. No, it’s a strikingly unusual approach, that takes far more patience than most people have to offer. The shift in outward demeanor from soft-spoken to this unrivaled confidence backs it up further. 

Izaya wants to know more about you. To peer behind the curtain that is your mind, poking and prodding at everything within reach. Seeing how much you can withstand before falling apart at his hands. It looks like you were wrong Namie, he thinks. This is turning out to be interesting. 

“If that’s the case, I’ll lend you my help.” 

You blink. “Y-you will…? But you just went on a tangent about how my ‘deadbeat’ friend isn’t worth the effort.” 

“What can I say? Your impassioned speech tugged on my heartstrings, [First]-chan,” he coos, a wolfish grin spreading across his face. “Maybe I’m growing soft after all. Alright, now let’s start with you giving me your phone number--” 

“Hold on!” you exclaim, putting up a hand. “I don’t need help from someone like you.”

Now it’s his turn to be thrown off by another person’s words. Maybe a taste of my own medicine, he thinks. 

Here he was, figuring you’d grovel at his feet for help. Now that he’s extending a hand out of what you should perceive as goodwill, you… don’t want it…? There’s no quick, witty response. The cogs in his head are turning, trying to comprehend this bizarre situation, and coming up with nothing satisfactory. He hears what’s most definitely Namie struggling to cover up a laugh in the distance. 

“Were you not just trying to convince me?” Izaya quirks up an eyebrow. That’s how he perceived your earlier lecture, as a way to bring him over to your side. For a rare moment, there’s no condescending lilt in his voice, only a genuine attempt to rationalize your actions. 

You’re already moving on from this loss, picking the scattered pictures up and returning them to your handbag. “Not really. I just didn’t like the thought of you looking down on someone without really knowing anything about them.” 

This time, Namie isn’t capable of muffling her laughter. Izaya sighs as he leans back into his couch. How troublesome you’re proving yourself to be. Do you not realize that a few phone calls from his behalf would be enough to ruin you for the rest of your life? Or maybe you do realize, and don’t care either way. Whatever the case, he’s not letting this go. It’s not everyday someone manages to leave him at a loss for words. 

“So it’s back to the police then, hm?” 

You shake your head at his guess, frowning. “I’ll just figure it out on my own. Thank you for your time, Orihara-san.” 

Now you’re standing to leave. Turning your back to him, you make for the door, leaving Izaya to try and piece together what’s happening to him. Izaya follows after you, intent on changing your mind. Anything to keep you close so he can continue observing. 

“What exactly are you planning on doing? It sounded to me like you had no leads or connections. I’m not sure how familiar you are with investigation work, [First]-chan, but you’re not off to a very good start.” Izaya calls over, successfully getting you to stop in place. It’s a relief to know he hasn’t lost his touch. You don’t look fully convinced, so he continues on.

“I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you’re going to be helpless all on your own,” Izaya points out, your grimace growing deeper with every word. He’s getting somewhere, he just needs to reel you back in. “We wouldn’t want my earlier premonition to come true.” 

“I guess so,” you agree without enthusiasm, lips pursing. Izaya can’t help but feel satisfied with your compliance. Then you continue walking towards the door. “I need to give it some more thought. I’ll call your secretary this evening.” 

With that, you’re out of sight, the door shutting in his face. Hm. He doesn’t get the feeling you’re acting like this out of spite. No, you’re sticking true to your own convictions, trying to get a feel for how to best work things out. Izaya’s already planning to run multiple checks on you. He has a growing curiosity for knowledge on you that needs to be quenched. What school you’re going to, where you currently live, if you have a record--

“I can’t say I was expecting that,” Namie comments in her usual monotone. From the skin tightening underneath her eyes, Izaya can tell she’s still fighting back a smile. “Someone turning down your offer to help and lecturing you? I almost feel undeserving of such a wonderful sight.” 

Izaya sighs and runs a hand through his dark hair. “I’m glad you enjoyed your boss being berated so much.” 

“There’s almost nothing better,” she concurs with a nod. “When you’re finished standing there and moping, I already brought her social media up. I figured you’d want to see it after that display.”

This is enough to capture his undivided attention. The boredom from this week is a relic of the past, Izaya’s enthusiasm for human beings returning in full bloom. What a terrifying beast you’ve managed to awaken. You’ll make for a fascinating source of entertainment. He already finds himself looking forward to the next time you cross paths, Izaya confident in his ability to make this happen. He excels at interrupting the flow of people’s lives unprompted. 

- - -

The rest is history, so they say. 

Izaya’s whittled you down this far, creating a codependency that pleases him, a result of hard work on his behalf. You stare at him with doe-like eyes. Vulnerable eyes. Waiting with bated breath to see if he’ll confirm or deny your deepest concerns. 

He wraps an arm around your slouching shoulder. "Now that you have me, what you are or aren’t capable of on your own doesn’t matter anymore. Isn’t that right, [First]-chan?” 

“I... I guess it might be.” 

[bcbii]

Deception

(Leonardo x reader)

Warnings // angst, blood, character death mention.

———————————————————————————————————

          Ruins, all of it           Within what felt like only days but had progressed in months. The previous lively city of New York had fallen into a downward spiral at the hands of Shredder himself. Streets flooded with the black clothed soldiers patrolling them, looking for any reason to leave civilians scared or slaughtered on the open streets as toxic fumes blackening the previously blue or star filled sky. New York was becoming a waste land and Shredders playground, so everyone was under the impression of at least. All everyone knew as a fact is that normal life had been gone for good. Along with the previous fearless blue clad leader, Leonardo.           Once all hell began to break loose, the turtles had been the first to answer the call. The fight that called upon them was the hardest and came at the highest cost. The cost being their father Splinter’s life and to the brothers and your knowledge, their eldest brothers as well. Not all fights could be won, and they came to such a realization once they faced it themselves. All four entered confidently, planned and ready. After engaging, their hopes for victory began to diminish. They were out numbered and overwhelmed and were given no other choice but to retreat before they got themselves killed. when doing so they waited a bit of ways off for their fellow terrapin brother to follow up as he said he was going to do. Hours of waiting, hours of searching passed and he never did return to his brothers.            You hid in the lair from all the chaos, directives from you former blue clad lover and he basically begged you to stay hidden and out of harms way before they left. You had sat anxiously and in fear for hours, watching the chaos unfold in Donnie’s lab, the multiple monitors displaying multiple news channels, each one going off air into static with each attack, you were horrified, wanting nothing more than this to simply be a nightmare. The nightmare got even worse when only the three turtles returned to the lair, beaten and bruised severely, blood of both themselves and their enemies covering multiple parts of their body.            “W-what happened?! W-Wheres Leo?!”          The question left the youngest of the four eyes welling up with tears that you’re sure he’s been holding back since this all had begun. Their heads hang low before Donnie’s raised, his expression unreadable, “we...we don’t know..”. You felt numb, scared, so many emotions at once and you could barely describe any of them or understand them. You were sure the turtles were just as distraught as you were. “WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON’T KNOW?!”

That had been months ago, after failed attempts of attack and searching to no avail, adapting had been the only viable option left for them and yourself. Numbness had become a familiar feeling amongst all of you as you all attempted to find some normality in the new world. Some of this normality consisted of scavenging for any food or materials that you could find. And tonight was a scavenging night since you guys have been running low on materials. Getting ready, you dressed yourself in all black, baggy black pants, a black t shirt and mask to cover most of your face as you pull on your black leather boots. Throwing a backpack over your shoulder, you headed out.

After you finished getting ready for the trip you went to the brothers, ask if they’d want you to look for anything in specific. Raph hadn’t really requested much of anything, Mikey just wanted decent food and Donnie just wanted computer or any electronical parts. “Be careful, you have your phone if anything happens. Call us”, The large red clad turtle said in a rough stern tone as you started to leave the sewers. “I will”, you reassured him as you left. Since Leo’s disappearance, Raphael had stepped up, doing his best to protect and help his brothers as much as possible. The large terrapin didn’t realize how much Leo was doing until he began to do it himself.

Climbing out of the manhole, you glanced around the alley way quietly, making sure the coast had been clear. Once confirmed, you headed to the abandoned apartments a few blocks down the way, a fellow scavenger hiding out there in which you’d trade with for some pretty good items that would cost quiet a lot from anyone else. The cold breeze of the night nipped at your skin as your cheeks and tip of your nose stung with the cold, but you’d shrug it off.

Climbing the fire escape, you found the shattered window you would use as the entrance all the time. As you climbed through you were careful with the shards of glass that littered the floor. It was dark in the abandoned apartment, the only light being the faint glow of the moon through any openings from the outside in. “Max”, you whisper yelled for the man as you began to step around the apartment, getting no response. The sound of heavy foot steps made you freeze in place, the floor boards creaking loudly under the persons weight. Before you could move on to the next empty room you were halted by a large form as you stumbled back and looked up, it was to dark and you quickly stumbled back, falling back on your behind as you proceeded to scoot back. The large figure before you followed, closing the distance you tried to make each time.

“Who are yo!-“, you were frozen, sharp sapphire hues that glowed in the moon light staring down at you. The faint light from the moon outline his familiar large frame, accentuating the curves and indents of his large muscular form along with the scars that littered his thick skin. A lump in your throat left you breathless as you stared in horror and felt a sick sense of relief for some odd reason.

“L-Leo....”, the name that slipped past your lips felt foreign, it didn’t match the terrapin standing in front of you. That name belong to a fearless leader, wise, strong and caring with a calm exterior. Who stood before you was a stranger, a worn black bandana in place of the old signature bright blue, tired and emotionless eyes with what seemed like an almost permanent scowl. Scarred fist gripping large sharp katanas, the metal being a special kind with a sleek black color. The foot clan insignia etched into the metal that was now dirtied with the blood of her scavenger friend.

Hearing his name slip past your lips now made him freeze, his grip tightening on the handle of his katanas. That voice was all to familiar, your gentle voice sounded scared and broken as you said it. Beneath the shell he created around who he used to be, it broke him to hear. He stared and hard, almost to see if it had been a hallucination. “......(y/n).....”, his voice was rough and deeper than usual since the lack of using it so much, only to bark orders and the puny foot soldiers he led. When your name fell from his lips emotions rushed through you as memories hit you like a freight train, it was Leo but not your Leo. Overwhelming tears began to fill your eyes as you forced yourself up and stared into his eyes. “Where have you been?!” You snapped, he stayed silent and stoic and you despised it.

Stepping back you took in fully who he had become now, pulling down your mask you pressed your tongue against the inside of your cheek as a tear ran down, you stared at the branded insignia of the foot clan on the top left of his plastron. “You joined them didn’t you?.... you never disappeared or died...” you began as Leo’s lips parted to speak, “I can explain—“

“You just joined the foot and became a damn traitor!” You yelled as tears of disappointment, anger and sadness now spilled freely. The words hurt Leo to hear, especially coming from you, he cringed internally as he swallowed thickly and tried to step closer but you only backed up further. “(Y/n) please let me explain... I’m doing what needs to be done” he tried to explain. “Abandoning us? Joining the people who caused all of this?! THE ONES WHO KILLED SPLINTER! YOURE A TRAITOR LEONARDO!” You shouted ruthlessly as you stepped forward a bit and stood your ground. The now black clad turtle put himself in a position he knew would be unforgivable and he would never forgive himself either, but god how he wished he could grab you and let you know how sorry he was and how much he missed you and his brothers. Leo wanted to hold you, he wanted to break down too through all of this but he was the cold blooded assassin that led the foot clan, he couldn’t let himself break.

“I’m doing this for your guys saftey! It was either this or I lost you guys too!” Leo shouted back a bit, overwhelmed by his own feelings as well. The answer left you baffled as you stared at him in shock, “d-did you.... did you consider any of our feelings when you decided to leave us Leo?...when you left me?...”, you asked, searching for an answer as you stared into his dull eyes. You watched his gaze shift shamefully almost as if intimidated by yours. “Of course I did... and you know I did” Leo responded almost as if he seemed offended by the question, “it was the only way....”. Leo felt guilt wash over him as you scoffed and looked around in disbelief as if looking for someone to confirm it. Returning you attention back to him you were silent, somewhat silently remenising about who he used to be. You missed him, you missed the comfort, the smiles, the laughter and happiness your former lover brought you, his brave and protective ways, his arms around you and his lips on yours as comfort or in the most intimate moments. You missed Leo, but this wasn’t him.

Tears proceeded to roll down your cheeks, eyes becoming red “...how could you do this?...”, you said, voice quiet and shaky. Your tone left Leo wishing he could take you in his arms and hide you from all the bad that’s become of the world, that he helped cause which he hated himself for it.

“I’m sorry (y/n)...” Leo spoke, a bit choked up himself. You stepped back a bit as you shook your head quietly. “I-I have to go” you spoke quickly before rushing back to the window you entered through, “wait! (Y/n)-”. You didn't want to go, in fact you wanted to stay beside Leo and have him in your life again but right now, it was all too much, seeing him was only pain. 

Leo stood now in eerie silence as he stared at the window you exited, silently hoping you would come back through, come back to him. He knew you wouldn't though and he had to accept that. It was the price he paid for his decision and his families safety, but had it really be worth it?

// kind of out of the blue and for fun, hope you enjoy :) 

[oliviermiraarmstrongs]

mid-year book freak out tag

thank you @bloody-wonder for giving me an excuse to share my book thoughts!

1. Best Book You’ve Read So Far in 2021?

It’s gotta be The Blind Assassin by Margaret Atwood; I hear “feminist period novel about mentally ill woman unable to cope in upper-class society” and I am THERE! It’s like [Stefon voice] This book has EVERYTHING: repressed women, a decaying old house, a complex relationship of two sisters, a pulpy sci-fi story-within-a-story-within-a-story, criticism of capitalism and reactionary attitudes and politics, commentary on how conservative society shuns those it perceives to be “other” and a threat to the social order (poor people, socialists, “unconventional” women). It is EXTREMELY my shit.

2. Best Sequel You’ve Read So Far in 2021?

The only one I've read is Siege and Storm, so Siege and Storm! Shadow and Bone was captivating, if a little simplistic, but the sequel really fleshes out the characters, setting, and themes. It’s great to see Alina take a more active role, and I love the exploration of sainthood. 

3. New Release You Haven’t Read Yet, But Want To?

I’m really curious about Michelle Zauner’s memoir Crying in H Mart. Same with Axiom’s End, which I haven’t really been seeking out, but it’s been resting on my list since I like a lot of Lindsay Ellis’ stuff.

4. Most Anticipated Release For Second Half of 2021?

5. Biggest Disappointment?

The Penelopiad by Margaret Atwood. I’ve been getting into Atwood, and I have a soft spot for female-centric retellings of myths, so this was on my list for a long time. It’s not bad; it’s decent as a character study and offers some good perspective on the hanged slave women from The Odyssey, but overall it came off as...bitter? And not in a good way. It’s reasonable to include commentary on how bad things were for women in ancient times, but after a while I’m just like “But there had to be a time when Penelope was happy, right?” But the biggest failing has to be the treatment of Helen. Why a story focused on bringing literary justice to silenced women also characterizes Helen of Troy as a manipulative, arrogant bitch who single-handedly ignited the Trojan War because she enjoys fucking people over, I’ll never know. Ironic that in the opening chapter, Penelope bemoans being used as a yardstick with which to judge other women, and then the book proceeds to do exactly that with her and Helen. Can’t let Penelope have a positive relationship with another woman! There could be some form of unreliable narrator at play, but there’s not much indication that that’s the case here. Even Homer had a more nuanced portrayal of Helen than this!

6. Biggest Surprise?

I suppose The Red Tent. I picked it up at a Goodwill because of my aforementioned interest in female-centric retellings. It’s not amazing, but I wasn’t really expecting it to emotionally affect me like it did. You spend so much time setting up Dinah’s family and this supportive community of woman within a patriarchal society, only to have Dinah abandon it all after getting betrayed by her father and (most of) her brothers. Hearing about how her family fell apart after she left and she never got to see her mothers again really gets to me. The book has flaws for sure - neither of Dinah’s romances are developed very well, and some of its themes can come off as gender essentialist - but I think it’s a nice exploration of female labor and traditions that too often get ignored.

7. Favorite New Author?

The only relatively new author I’ve been reading is Leigh Bardugo, soooooo... honestly I don’t know what I can say that hasn’t already been said, I got into the series pretty late. Great world-building, witty dialogue, a familiar type of story with enough interesting ideas to make it feel fresh. Check out Shadow and Bone if you get the chance. Sound of the summer.

8. Newest Fictional Crush?

You would think it would be Nikolai Lantsov since I just finished reading Siege and Storm and he seems to be the fan favorite... but nah, not yet. He’s fun, but he doesn’t hit me in that way (Though very sexy of him to just casually proposition Alina and Mal for a royal polycule, a la Arthur/Guinevere/Lancelot; would love an AU where they accept his offer). However, I would let Zoya murder me. Every time Zoya is not in a scene I am asking “Where’s Zoya?” Also shout out to Alina, just because I would treat her better than all the men in her life! 

9. Newest Favorite Character?

Gonna try to do this without spoiling too much, but Laura Chase in The Blind Assassin really resonated with me. Her personality reminds me a lot of myself, especially as an an autistic person, like the way she has her own way of thinking that makes perfect sense to her, but makes other people see her as odd and naive. I love how she’s set up in-universe as this Sylvia Plath-esque tragic heroine, with Iris spending the rest of the book interrogating and deconstructing, and in a way, reconstructing this image of her. Atwood you’re insane for this. I forgive you for the Helen thing now.

10. Book That Made You Cry?

I never got as far as crying, but the part in The Goldfinch where [spoilers incoming] the art heist goes wrong and Theo is alone in the hotel room and he’s spiraling and considering suicide and finally dreams of his mom… all that was too much for me and I had to put the book down for the night. This guy just can’t catch a fucking break.

11. Book That Made You Happy?

fucidjdjdj I didn’t read any happy books this year. Shadow and Bone and Siege and Storm because I read them really fast unlike my usual months-long reading schedule.

12. Favorite Book Adaptation You Saw?

Predictably, Shadow and Bone. I basically bought and read the book less than a week before the show came out because I thought it looked interesting and wanted in on the hype (mostly because Jessie is cute 🥰). Honestly, the show improves a lot on the first book; the multiple storylines make it more dynamic and complex, the actors really help to make the characters feel more fleshed out, and Alina and Inej interacted for like three scenes, introducing an unexpected but thematically rich ship.

13. Favorite Review You’ve Written This Year?

14. Most Beautiful Book You’ve Bought So Far This Year?

I impulse-bought this book of Romantic poetry at Barnes and Noble just because it was pretty and I had a gift card

15. What Books Do You Need To Read By The End Of The Year?

Besides finishing The Grisha Trilogy/Six of Crows duology/Zoya’s duology that I forgot the name of….I don’t know. I’m not a reader that plans in advance. I acquire books, finish whatever I’m currently reading, look through my stacks deciding what to read next, spend an hour doing so because I can’t decide if I’m in the mood for any of them, and either force myself to read one or buy/borrow a new one.

I’m tagging @betweenironyandsilver, @illuminaticns, @borispavlikovskys, @chdarling, @sctine, @mightyaubs, @excuseforadrink, and @trckstergods, if you wanna! Or anyone who wants to yell about books.

[valerzya]

𝖛𝖆𝖑𝖊𝖗𝖎𝖞𝖆 𝖑𝖊𝖓𝖐𝖔𝖛 𝖎𝖓𝖙𝖗𝖔𝖉𝖚𝖈𝖙𝖎𝖔𝖓 . . .

( irina shayk. cis woman. she/her. the question & mac miller. ) have you seen VALERIYA LENKOV strolling around central park at lunchtime? rumor has it they’re actually THIRTY-FIVE years old, but i’m pretty sure they’re only THIRTY. they’re currently posing as a SCREENPLAY WRITER, but when dusk falls, you can usually find them heading home to MANHATTAN by CAR SERVICE. apparently they DID attend the met gala this season! 

hello, all ! i’m lauryn, 21, my pronouns are she/her, and i currently reside within the cst timezone. i’ve been tumblr rping on and off for about 8 years now, and this is my first time playing valeriya. here’s is my second muse of this rp, valeriya lenkov ! her about is listed here, her statistics are listed here, and her plotting page is listed here. if you’d like to claim any of the plots on that page or do some other plotting, shoot me a message ! i prefer discord, but i’m open to messaging on tumblr. my discord is limes#6826. i look forward to writing with everyone !

TW: CHRONIC ILLNESS, DEPRESSION, MURDER

born in a rural mining town located in russia to a coal miner and a home birth midwife, valeriya nikolayevna lenkov had a relatively average upbringing. as an only child, she received a generous amount of attention from her parents. when they were not working, they were home with their daughter. valeriya was a frail child who often grew sick, though she received a lot of attention from locals who referred to her as the most beautiful child in town. her parents dreamed of whisking her away to the united states, where they could hopefully get a diagnosis for her illness. sponsored by valeriya’s aunt in manhattan, the family prepared to make the jump by spending their free time practicing their english and setting up employment for valeriya’s father at his sister’s husband’s work.

upon arriving in manhattan, valeriya, now seven, and her family lived with her aunt and her husband for nearly a year. valeriya’s mother had found work as a seamstress while her father migrated from food preparation to a construction job, which finally earned the family some health benefits. with that in place and with the recommendation of a specialist, valeriya was put through a series of medical examinations. after numerous pokes and prods and a scan or two, no affliction had been identified. it had become an assumption that valeriya’s susceptibility to sickness was due to a compromised immune system, though nothing was ever confirmed.

life in manhattan differed greatly from valeriya’s upbringing. she had gone from the quiet, desolate roads to a bustling city crowded with rats and bodies. school had been rough on valeriya for the first couple years; her english was far from perfect and she would go through periods of illness that made her truant. she was lucky to not have to repeat any grades, though it came close. her parents’ work schedules had become more hectic since the move, with her father being on call and her mother working full time at odd hours, so it was often left to her aunt to look after her.

middle school and high school proved to be far more tolerable for valeriya. english was no longer a concern of hers after years of schooling, and she received ample attention for her good looks and compassionate nature. valeriya was considered popular amongst her peers despite her occasional disappearance from school for a week or so at a time. her friends doted on her, filling the void that her mostly absent parents had left; they would often visit her with comfort foods and gifts when she was sick.

in her sophomore year of high school, valeriya met a boy that she would deem to be her first love. she fell head over heels for the boy, and he returned her affections. it wasn’t long until valeriya began to exhibit obsessive behaviors though, resulting in their split. valeriya was heartbroken and looked for any distraction to fill her time. she landed on cinema, specifically horror cinema. valeriya expressed an interest in writing her own horror flicks, finding some sort of direction that she had previously lacked. upon graduating high school, valeriya grew seriously ill. her fever refused to break, and she was forced to spend all of her time at home. when she felt well enough, she would fill the silence with the scribbling of her pencil.

after a month, valeriya finally recovered and began taking community college courses on film and screenwriting. she had no intent to seek a degree, having struggled enough already with schooling. her intention was simply to educate herself on how to adapt her stories into screenplays and potentially make a career out of it. in the meantime, she took a job as a waitress at a local cafe. they were understanding in regards to her illness and gave her shifts sparingly, but it was enough to purchase the things that she desired. valeriya grew to be a cynical young adult with bouts of depression. her heartbreak weighed heavy on her, even after years, and her illnesses brought on feelings of hopelessness.

with three completed screenplays in the hands of the twenty-five year old, valeriya sought out the support of an agent. after four failed attempts, someone finally took an interest in her material. by age twenty-seven, valeriya had sold her first script through a production company. it was set to be developed as a direct-to-dvd movie, and valeriya made a killing from it. finally able to move out of her parents’ manhattan apartment into her own one-bedroom apartment, valeriya felt a dash of hope. however, after a couple years of letdowns and rejection, her hope dwindled once again. valeriya grew resentful toward the world, cursing it for the ways it had failed her. her once compassionate spirit had disappeared, replaced with a bitter, pessimistic nature.

at the age of thirty, valeriya met a strange person ( vampire ) who piqued her interest. she was hypnotized by this being and spent a large portion of her time at their side. they were strong and capable, something that she envied. often expressing her envy for these traits, the being took it upon themselves to make valeriya more like them. she was changed into a vampire and for the first time in her lifetime, she radiated with strength and resiliency. her life had been taken from her, but it was almost as though it was just beginning.

finding inspiration to write again, with her mind firing on all cylinders, valeriya produced three more screenplays within a year. miraculously, two out of three sold with both generating a six figure price point. she spent the rest of her time absorbing what was now her life. her thirst for blood empowered her, and she felt superior to the weak humans she fed on. she would familiarize herself with those she fed on before she took their life, viewing feeding as a sport. valeriya had become childish, reckless, and manipulative. she only saw others for what she could gain from them. though she acted a fool, she was intelligent and perceptive. as the years passed, she sold two more screenplays, gaining notoriety within that world. valeriya finally feels as though she’s unstoppable, and she won’t let anything or anyone get in her way.

TLDR ; valeriya was a sickly child who immigrated from russia to manhattan when she was seven. due to what was likely a compromised immune system, she often fell ill. in high school, she suffered a heartbreak that led her to start creating horror screenplays. after selling one, she hit a low point after many more rejections and bouts of illness. she became bitter and resentful toward the world until she was changed into a vampire. now powerful and free from sickness, valeriya revels in her new life. she enjoys feeding on unsuspecting humans, and has even gained more notoriety as a screenplay writer.

important information about her personality can be found in her “about” section linked above.

@duskintro​

[letsdiscoverkitty]

Home/Family Update - May 2021

I will take this right back to when I was discharged from the Priory in December. From there I moved back home with my parents; it was a bit of a difficult transition as I didn't have any home leave in the lead up to being discharged due to COVID and my consultant wanting me to make the most of my time on the ward. Add to that my EDP going completely awol, meaning that our whole 4 week pre-discharge meetings and relapse prevention plan went out the window. So yes it was a bit of a rocky start, and that is without you factoring in COVID lockdown/Christmas.

Being discharged from an IP setting is never easy no matter who you are; changes in environment and routine can throw you off track without you even realising it and I did find myself struggling with this. I also had the difficult navigation of adapting to coming home in terms of my dad and his recovery. For those who might not know, last March my dad fell down the stairs in the middle of the night the day that my parents arrived home after a month in NZ. He suffered 3 brain bleeds (a subdural, an extradural and a subarachnoid), multiple facial fractures and a break in his spine. That night was one of, if not THE, worst of my life. We were told that it was very likely that he would not survive and that if he did he would be in a vegetated state or not able to take care of himself...we were told to prepare for the worst. By some MIRACLE he defied all the odds and at the age of 74 after spending 11 or so days on the ICU, a further 2 weeks on a trauma ward and then another 3 months in a neuro rehab, he was discharged home and is now, a year on from the accident, completely independent, no sign of further brain bleeds and is actually much fitter than he has been for, well, 50 years! Honestly, we never expected anything like this sort of recovery and from an outside perspective he is doing perfectly. However, there are things that will never be the same again and I don't think it is until you are with someone 24/7 that you are able to tell. He has changed quite a bit as a person; in some ways this is a good thing but in other ways it is not so. He cannot deal with changes in environment or routine; even things like having the bread on the side instead of in the bread bin completely throws him off and he doesn't even register that the bread is there. He gets very easily agitated, can be extremely rude and a little aggressive. Now some of this was already there (a lot of it was) but it has become more acutely obvious since the head injury. I have SO much respect and love for my mum - I really dont know how she has held herself up over the past 2 years, as well as helping dad when he was initially transitioning home (I was still in hospital but it sounded like he needed a lot of help for the first few months - which I only saw an inch of when they were able to visit me in hospital (he used to wander off and didn't know where he was etc. which is thankfully no longer and issue!)).

This is hard for me to say but I will admit that I have struggled more than I thought I would with being around him; in short I pretty much went through the whole mourning process whilst I was in hospital as the last time i saw him on the trauma ward before they stopped all visits and before I was admitted, he didn't know who I was...He thought he lived in another country and was telling me all sorts of stories that were fabricated, before telling me that he needed to go and pick up the mercedes and drive to sainsburys to get the Gin and petrol (we don't have a mercedes and he doesn't even like gin!) Anyway, I digress. So yes, I basically mourned for someone who was still alive physically but mentally had changed as at the time I didn't know whether he would be in a vegetated state or make a good recovery. Thankfully we are on the good side and he is doing so incredibly well but the bottom line is that he is different and living with him, at the age of 26, is HARD. We have good days and bad days (as any young adult who lives with their parents does) and there are many many days that I wish I wasn't living at home but I do my best to hold myself together during those times, especially for my mum because she, I tell you, is absolutely incredible. How she has put up with him for so long I honestly do not know!

Talking of mum, I would say that since the whole accident with dad, we have become a LOT closer. We really had to lean on each other over that month; we were driving down to Brighton every single day to see dad on the ICU and on the Trauma ward until we were stopped from visiting - it was mentally and physically exhausting for the both of us, especially as we were still barely processing the trauma and struggling with flashbacks in the night. We were the first ones on the scene of the accident (if it weren't for mum's medical training, dad would not be alive today). Of course we still have our moments but I feel like our relationship almost "levelled up and matured over the past year. We have bonded over being in nature and walking (because what else can you do when the country is in lockdown!?! but also because we have always been an "outdoors" family (well my mum, Andi and me have))- we also talk about dad and the accident quite a bit too, which has helped me beyond belief (and her too). We give each other space, and yes there are days when we dont get on but who doesn't have days when they dont?

On balance I would say that home is "okay". It is manageable. No the environment is not perfect and I do find it affects my mental health quite a bit and holds me back in some ways (I cannot wait to be able to move out one day) but I am incredibly grateful to have parents that are willing to and can afford to take me under their roof and help me out during this time.

Gosh, this has already ended up so much longer than I thought it would, I am sorry! In short: home life is okay. We are here and that is the most important thing. We saw Andi a two-ish weeks ago as we were in Cornwall for our usual time-share (we were so lucky that Boris allowed self catering two weeks before our usual time share week) - I think it was good for them to get out of their flat as I don't think they had left the small area where they live since last September when we went down to Cornwall (I was given leave for a week as it was sold to my consultant to help my dad's recovery, which is definitely did but yes we did pull the right strings to get that one!)

Anyway, I shall leave this update here and start the mammoth task of the next one. I am sorry that this is taking me so long, it's quite hard to write and think back and reflect (although actually quite helpful for me to do) so I do find that I have to come back to it a few times. Please stick with me x

-----

I forgot to add that dad had an assessment before we went away to Cornwall to see whether he can have his driving license back and (as mum and I predicted) he failed. To say that he did not take it well would be putting it lightly!!! I am actually ashamed of the way that he behaved and the things that he said/the reasons he fabricated as to why he had failed (let's just say he got sexist and rude - which I have ZERO time for and was appalled by him - I am so glad I was not with him/mum after the assessment as I would have blown my fuse at hime). He could not even entertain the idea that he had failed. He blamed everything/anything else that he could - even saying that it was the system and one of the first things he said to me was "I understand now, I've worked it out, it's the system, they aren't allowed to pass many people first time so that's it", which I just *speechless*. Mum and I have talked about it a lot and we don't think that he has ever "failed" at anything in his life. He also believes that he is 10000%. fixed and has no issues or problems and doesn't need any support or guidance. He refuses to listen to mum and I when we try to tell him about how unwell he was, he refuses to believe it and won't take it. One thing that mum and I are very glad of is that all of this driving stuff is OUTSIDE of the family. He can't put it on us. It is coming from an external place and we can support him if he lets us but that is his decision as to whether he lets us or not. He has never been a good patient; and he also won't take any advice (in anything) from mum or let her be right about something either, which is just sad, really sad. This is not a new thing, it has always been this way. And the more I reflect on our family/have reflected over the past year with dad in hospital, the more I see that I don't like. The way dad has behaved and treated mum, how he was always missing in my childhood, how alcohol always came above family, how old fashioned and unwilling to learn he is, how distant and uninterested he was, how he never says please or thank you, never asks how anyone is and refuses to talk about mental health (yep, despite so much going on in our family with mental illnesses, he refuses to talk about it and won't even ask "how are you?" or offer support etc)...I don't mean to be so negative about him, I really don't. I love him, he is my dad, but there is a lot of healing that needs to be done, and it is going to take time.

[avoutput]

Mario Mario & Luigi Mario || Super Mario Bros.

The beginning of any quest has its starting pains. In the early 90’s, Hollywood set out to begin getting a cut of that sweet video game money. At the time, video games were mostly considered toys, and they were advertised as such. As the medium grew more adult, so did its films. Still, they had to begin somewhere, and why not with the biggest gaming property on the planet past and present: Super Mario Bros. This provided an unknowingly impossible challenge for creatives, one that is still a topic of intense discussion to this day. How does one balance the adaptation of a property from a completely different format into film? At the time, other films that looked similar to what Super Mario Bros would become had succeeded despite the challenges of adapting comics for film. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and the first re-imagination of Batman since the 60’s went on to invigorate their respective properties. Today, comic book movie adaptations are the tent pole of every major movie studio. In the case of Super Mario Bros, despite its critical failure at the time, I honestly feel like the creatives succeeded. The ire this film would glean over time from both fans and the people behind the camera fuel its bad reception to this day. In my opinion, it is actually a success story in the world of video game adaptations, and a great place to start if you plan on watching every Hollywood attempt. I promise you this: it could be so much worse. And for later attempts, it was! But, does Super Mario Bros thwomp?

In my initial argument, I raised that these films should be broken down into categories including: Originality, Preservation, Construction, Delivery, and Fanservice. Originality and Preservation can be at complete odds with one another. In the case of Super Mario Bros, it turns out to be a good combination of both. They offset each other just enough to find a balance between the reality of our world and the fantasy of the mushroom kingdom. Sit back in your chair and imagine the real world of 1993, what films looked like back then, the landscape of video game culture. I think the creators had this very much in mind when they penned this movie. The very first thing that happens in the Super Mario Bros movie is the NES theme song with all the depth a stereo sound system can provide. It really sets your little gamer heart aflutter. It conjures up images of the brightly colored games. Using narration, they make promises of dinosaurs, meteors, and other dimensions. If you don’t think too hard, it kind of sounds like a version of Super Mario Bros that was advertised via the game manuals and cartoon show. If you are familiar with either, a pair of New York plumbers essentially get sucked down a drain pipe. This process is a little more drawn out in the film, but It turns out more or less exactly as good as could have been expected in 1993. In fact, the film really isn’t above sucking them down a drain pipe, they do crazier things, but I suspect that they wanted the plumbers to have a more direct conflict that would lead them to try and save princess Daisy.

The plot of the film is par for the course in a children's film and a direct consequence of the game itself, especially if you consider the 3rd entry. A good king and an evil military general, betrayals and coups, princesses sent to live in another realm only to return home with a pair of knights to dethrone the evil king. A tale as old as time, one that continues to be retold because it resonates with us. The filmmakers were really focused on this being a performance of realism meets fantasy This would come to be the major struggle that other video game movies would continue to have problems balancing. They took concepts from the game and gave them an original spin and most within the framework of the original work. Their creative license is often challenged for these choices, but in the context of making a live action Super Mario Bros movie in 1993, those challengers should check themselves. The real question you should ask yourself is, in this context, what would you have done differently? And would it really have been better? I struggled to find a way to truly make the concepts of this movie any MORE appealing, but it was surprisingly easy to make it worse. In one way, this film was a by the numbers kids adventure story, but it's being held to task mostly for failing to be a good adaptation of the game, a bar which didn’t exist when they made it, but one they set and cleared simply by attempting to do so much. All the Mario concepts are easily recognizable, which should be applauded, even in the face of them being a little wacky.

Despite its failings in authenticity, it actually packs quite a lot of fanservice into almost every frame. If you pay attention once they enter Bowser’s domain, the walls are littered with little ads and jokes all based on Mario properties. This is all in an effort to please fans, but the film does tend to leave these little things in the background, the camera more focused on the characters and plot, so blink and you miss them. If anything, this duty to fanservice seems somewhat creatively arresting. Had this film not been an adaptation of another work, they may have opted to skip a few things, like how Mario and Luigi employ the use of mushrooms. In the game, these would make the bros bigger, but this would have been a bit at odds with the backdrop of the grimmy New York City analogy they chose, not to mention technically difficult. People have been squashing miniatures for years, but I just don’t see this being a good use of the film’s time given every other decision. The film's overwhelming attempt to create entirely new flesh on the skeleton of an animated game is really only hampered by the audience's willingness to enjoy it for what it is, by questioning every creative decision. A lot of effort was taken to make the world feel cohesive, especially in its attempt to be parallel to existing New York City. They even take time on some more clever jokes that go somewhat unspoken. Everything in Bowser City runs on electricity, including the cars. The idea here is that fossil fuels do not exist because the dinosaurs of this world haven’t ever fossilized. Or maybe the dinosaurs knew it was bad for their planet? The film is constructed and delivered in such a way as to not take itself too seriously, but to appear parallel to something familiar to our own world in conjunction with the Super Mario world.

After having sat through the film with an earnest critical eye, I am not going to tell you the film is greater than the sum of its parts or that it's fantastic because it set out on an uncharted path. Instead, what I will attest to is that it was truly competent. It made every attempt to give you what you wanted and also took a few of their own twists on the formula. Bullet Bills turned into fuel for jumping, Bomb-oms wear Reeboks, shoes facilitate their ability to jump but also satisfy the boot you wear in Super Mario Bros 3. They even use the lightgun from the NES to navigate screens much like a mouse and the SNES super gun as a weapon! All this and still they found a way to make it all fit within the italian brothers from Brooklyn framing. Unfortunately, it would seem no one really learned anything from the success or the failures of this film. If the 90’s game films are any indication, the only thing they learned is that the box office is fickle and to double down on fan service even when it doesn't make sense, and in some cases, abandon everything about the game entirely and simply slap the name on a completely original film. And yet, despite all the bad press and internal struggles the Super Mario Bros production had, they came out the other end with an inoffensive, enjoyable film that both kids and adults can enjoy. Especially if they forgive the film any perceived sins, a gift that all film adaptations deserve, and just try to recognize what they really accomplished. Bringing to life a world that only existed in your Nintendo. It may not have been pretty, but damn if it wasn’t entertaining.

[aflyingcontradiction]

The Magnus Archives Relisten: Episode 117 - Testament

But Tim isn’t going to sit home and wait, and Elias seems pretty insistent I go along. Part of me thinks it’s just so he can see if whatever this “preparation” he’s been trying to do on me works. - Jon

I guess, yeah, that's part of it and the other part is that he wants to make absolutely sure Jon gets touched by as many powers as he possibly can and sending him right into the lion's den is a good way of doing that, I suppose.

I don’t quite get those two. I suppose what they’ve done, seeing what they’ve seen… it’s a hell of a bond. The sort of thing I’ve mostly done alone.

Ouch. That is a painful realisation right there! (The usual disclaimer of "I'm obviously not talking about the scale of cosmic horror here because duh or for that matter even the scale of massive trauma" but I actually think that realisation is on some level relatable because of the realisation I had multiple times in my life of "I don't really know what a close bond feels like because I've never actually been anywhere close to the best friend of the people I've considered my best friends." Fortunately my luck has shifted somewhat in the "close emotional bonds" department, or at least I hope I'm not kidding myself about that, but the realisation that some people have these fire-forged, ride-or-die relationships and you're just kinda doing your own thing, dipping a finger shallowly into human connection every once in a while and then watching it flow away, is a bit of a twinge.)

And… aside from some, uh, uh, office gossip which I, I’m not sure is necessary or, uh, conducive to a workplace that… hey, it, it, it’s natural it’s, it’s normal.

I love how Jon just goes from deep emotional turmoil to being a bit upset that people are gossipping about whatever may be going on in his love life. Talk about emotional roller coasters!

Oh, yeah, I found something on the other body the circus stole, this “George Icarus.” (...) Jurgen Leitner. I just can’t be rid of him.

Ah, okay, this is where we learn who George Icarus was. Also, the pseudonym is very fitting, I mean, Leitner did, in fact, fly too close to the goddamn sun and subsequently crash and burn when he decided to create a library of fear books, didn't he?

He always said, if you don’t like something, you accept it and you adapt, or you fight and you change it. Whining doesn’t help. I always tried to live like that. But I think sometimes you feel like you’re adapting, but it’s just denial. - Basira

This is definitely something I've experienced myself but it's also definitely something I've seen in some people who like to go on like Basira's dad about stiff-upper-lip-don't-whine-adapt-and-overcome to other people and shame others for expressing their emotional pain. When the cracks finally do start showing up (usually under the influence of alcohol), it's not so much a crack as a full-on explosion.

But at least Daisy’s coming. I mean, I know she’s… difficult. Everything they say about her, it’s true, it’s fair. But, she’s solid. She’s a… a fixed point, and if she’s there, I know exactly where I stand, exactly what I’m doing, relative to her.

It's tragic but also on some level a little bit heartwarming that Basira never actually stops doing things relative to Daisy, even when it takes everything out of her, even when Daisy starts destroying herself.

Still stuck, still miserable, still angry. New traumas, but they hurt just like the old ones. Elias thinks he’s got this ingenious way to hurt people, but it’s just the same old and a creepy new package. Arsehole. God, I just want to rip his – When did I start to lose the parts of me that weren’t just anger? - Melanie

I always have a soft spot for the angry ones, the ones who have to forcibly stop themselves from punching people in the teeth, who have to put every last shred of willpower into keeping a lid on the boiling, hissing, steaming pot that is their inner life. The ones whose willpower sometimes fails them and then they do end up hurting people or themselves because of their anger. And not to go all REPRESENTATION here, but I'm actually glad to see that in TMA that character archetype is basically all women, because the people exploding in violent anger or having to try so fucking hard to keep it in and occasionally failing are usually guys.

They did manifest, but they weren’t what I thought they’d be. They were fused, somehow, all mixed together, a huge angry mass of dead flesh and guns.

I'm kind of glad this isn't a fully-fledged statement because I feel like that sentence, that image, is really all I need and anything further would actually weaken rather than strengthen the horror.

Good luck, Jon. I do hope you win. But I also hope it hurts.

Damn, this episode is so good at summarising characters in a line or two, isn't it?

I, I’m scared, I guess. – no, wait. No, no, I mean, ah, I don’t want that to be my last message, the thing that defines me. “Martin Blackwood, he was always scared, then he died. The end.” I don’t want that. - Martin

I'm a very anxious person and this is INSANELY relatable, this fear that all that's going to be left of you is the things you didn't do because you were terrified. ... Martin, stop making me tear up by being too damn relatable!

I need them to be safe, I need him to be okay.

Aw, Martin!

I mean, it’s not like I’m going to be safe, like my plan’s not dangerous, but it’s, it’s mine. This last couple of years, I’ve always been running, always hiding, caught in someone else’s trap, but, but now it’s my trap, and, well, I think it’ll work. I know, I know it’s not exactly intricate, but it felt good leaving my own little web.

a) This thought process makes perfect sense. Sometimes you just need to express your goddamn agency, even if it's dangerous and even if it's bound to hurt and b) I know the podcast immediately lampshades the "web" thing, but WEB!MARTIN THOUGH! I MEAN! THINK ABOUT IT! That would've been such an amazing plot point and they had it all set up. I mean, he's got a lot of good Lonely-related shit going on later, too, but ... why not both? I do enjoy it when the powers squabble over a character!

I used to blame my brother for going off his own and poking around where he wasn’t wanted. I used to blame myself for not helping him. But now… now it doesn’t matter. I’ve read through enough of these things to know that this doesn’t matter. The only thing you need to have your life destroyed by this stuff is just bad luck. Talk to the wrong person, take the wrong train, open the wrong door, and that’s it! - Tim

I think Tim's view of this is actually very close to the way that TMA handles this. The Entities don't eat you because you deserve it. They just happen to happen to someone. And that makes the horror work so much better than if that wasn't the case. (It also feels closer to how LIFE actually works a lot of the time.) So I find it somewhat odd to see when people do read desert into it, I feel like that weakens the storytelling.

Honestly, I hope that Jon learned something from her because, because I don’t expect I’m going to be coming back from this. I don’t know if I want to. And if he needs to pull the trigger, to use me to stop it… well, he’d better have the guts to do it.

Well. Fuck!

Gerard’s page… Gerry. I-I know there’s more he could tell me – he he, wouldn’t of, of course, I, I know that but he, he… he would still be there, th-that, that knowledge, i-it would, it would still exist…(...) …y-you owe me one, Gerry. Rest in … Just rest. - Jon

Damn, seeing Jon struggle against the instinct to keep knowledge available to himself, seeing how much it literally hurts him and seeing him WIN is sure something. Also ... "Rest in ... just rest." ... make me cry, why don't you?

My impression of this episode

This is not so much horror as it is concentrated emotion and I adore it. I nearly teared up a few times on my relisten (I think I wasn't in quite the right headspace during my first time). The gut punch quotes come thick in this one. This may actually be my favourite plot development episode (as opposed to favourite statements that don't relate directly to the overall plot). The writing is just. so. good.

[like-rain-or-confetti]

How would the Romanians react to an autistic person (I am autistic)

DISCLAIMER: This is a big one and I will deem sensitive. It should be said that I am not diagnosed with Autism but do have people in my life with the condition. Therefore, I very much might get something wrong and/or have answered this with my own personal knowledge and experience. I've also used a quick Google search once or twice. NONE OF THIS CONTENT is to upset or offend anyone but will be mentioning sensitive topics such as intolerance within historical era's.

So these two have almost no experience with humans. Unless you want to include feeding on them until death.

Plus their era isn't going to help them.

It depends on how far on the spectrum the human is in terms of if it's their are different mannerisms and behaviour. The Romanians will pick up on them immediately considering it odd or even a human trying to be rude. Unless someone tells them about autism, they won't have a clue about even the existence of the condition. It will have to be explained that autism hasn't become more common recently, it wasn't rare even in their time. Society was simply intolerable of those behaviours and deemed a person incapable or flawed in those times.

If Autism is explained to them they'll learn that these individuals with the condition aren't heartless, rude or lacking empathy. Therefore, anything they say and do in the Romanians company isn't insolence. They'd have to be told that those with autism can be confused by social signals like facial expression, body language and tone of voice. That's important because those without such conditions are highly dependent on those signals. The Romanians being a classic example in such dependency.

The next is to clarify that it isn't something to be cured. They very likely know that for themselves given the explanation they have been provided. It comes into the newer concept for them that everyone has their own specific set of needs and sometimes those fulfilled by society standards aren't enough. It's really getting them out of the mindset they grew up with that they had to adapt to survive in their own society and therefore, 'change to be like everyone else and their socially acceptable expectations'. It may be alarming to the Romanians at how flexible so society is today. For example it wasn't too far away in history that left handed people were getting extreme harmful methods by education and adults in general to be right handed instead. Being left handed was considered almost evil seemingly because the word 'left' derives from the Anglo-Saxon word 'lyft' which meant weak. Whilst such an example is far beyond their time to begin with, you can imagine how societies progression is like a stranger to what they were accustomed to.

It might be best for them to grasp the condition by using more relatable examples at first. Such as socializing within children. Even not having have something such as Autism, some children prefer to be on their own and actively avoid being around a lot of people at the same time. We'd deem them as loners, introverted or shy. Whilst there are other children who are very extroverted, love making friends and take part in games and playing with others around them. We'd deem them social butterflies. Both of these are possible with autism. There are many who like to make friends and be around others just as much as there are those who'd rather be alone and enjoy their own company. This would definitely illustrate a clearer picture for the two. They'd recall those in their coven who fit such descriptions, those who were incredibly sociable whilst there were others who sought and enjoyed solitude. Of course it would be clear that whilst the example was children, it could be said the same for adults. So much so, they'd pick that up on their own without the promoting.

This next one is the big one. The big hurdle that has been around since civilization or whatever you'd like to deem...I'd say even before the enlightenment era. This biggest myth there is about Autism is that those diagnosed cannot learn. This is absolutely not true. The fault history has had and to some extent still has today is that if you don't fit the exact standards of what the education system or society seems ideal then you must be incapable of learning. This is a load of shit. Of course, through no fault of their own, the Romanians would immediately think this but no-no, we're getting educated today boys. As mentioned before, everyone has individualistic needs for them specifically. We can't blame the Romanians when they came from a society that tossed any kind of individualism to the side but we're gonna help them out. It's the same way. Those with autism most certainly can learn. Some, depending on the severity, need a different form of teaching methods and more time to really learn what is being taught. Some people pick things up better than others but we don't determine we shouldn't teach someone who's falling behind. As long as someone knows how to teach that specific person with a style tailored to them, the person will very much learn. However such time and effort wasn't given back in their era. So this is a whole other thing to them. The human race has moved past the demand someone knows something. We've progressed from being violent/hurting children to get a point across.

They'd greatly appreciate how refined those with Autism could be. Learning, skills and talent aren't just in what you can recite out of a textbook after all! Hearing that there are those who aren't so good with maths or languages but excell at drawing? They love it. If you have a talent then you should nurture it. The Romanians can't fault anyone for that. An example would be the man who inspired the film 'Rain Man' Kim Peek. From what I remember of psychology. Kim Peek had a photographic memory and could remember things like pages upon pages of a phone book. Highly intelligent stuff but whilst at a restaurant and told he was speaking too loud, without fail he'd slump into his seat, sliding down so that he appeared smaller in attempt to lower his voice. They'd be fascinated but you'd have to remind them that not everyone who has Autism displays such apparent behaviours. There are many who are on the spectrum and no one would have guessed upon meeting them.

So there is a lot of learning on their part but they would pick up very easily that those with Autism are very much like the rest of the population. They might act a little different sometimes or miss a social cue every now and then that leads to a very confusing encounter but that doesn't make them any less of a vibrant personality with likes and dislikes like everyone else who also deals with good days and bad days like everyone else. Whilst being Autistic is a part of being who someone is- that doesn't mean they won't have difficulty sometimes. The Romanians would be very sympathetic to that, recognising how confusing some daily situations can be to really grasp, especially when having a bad day.

They'd want to know if those with Autism consider it to be suffering constantly, a constant doom and gloom. They'll be relieved to hear it most certainly isn't! It isn't like suffering from an illness, it's living with something that's just a part of who you are and sometimes like everyone else, challenges will be faced.

Now that we've got the whole teach-the-Romanians segment let's pretend they know about Autism and their reaction upon meeting someone with Autism for the first time. They're watching every miniscule movement. They're already very good judges of character and will do their best to try and pick up on the expressions and movements of the person to make sure they aren't crossing any lines. They're very polite but are much more patient, ensuring the person is aware that their is no expectations. They don't need to worry if they make a mistake as they've likely already picked up that the person meant well. If anything they'll be more patient and give benefit of the doubt.

[thesewordsareallihavetogive]

Real Is The Love - Chapter Nine

(gif source)

Summary: Isaac, well past his supernatural teenage troubles has settled down with his girlfriend, y/n. They're both advancing in their careers when a surprise pregnancy throws them for a loop. The next several months are filled with lots of laughs, love, odd cravings, and a few tears. As always, peace only lasts for so long in Beacon Hills... 

Word count: 3768

Warnings: there’s a lot of sensitive topics in this chapter so please read at your own risk! angst, anxiety, panic attacks, pregnancy complications, more angst, and a bit of redemption fluff at the end

a/n: welcome to chapter eight part two that is actually just chapter nine because i could not fathom posting a 5000+ word chapter when all of the other chapters have been about 3000 or less :) ngl when i wrote the first draft of this back in august i thought it was a literary master piece and then when i went to go look at it sometime earlier this week i dead ass looked like kombucha girl’s 🤢 face while editing this. but, the turd has been polished so here ya go. enjoy!

master list

Dark is the night when you’re feeling all alone

Weak is the light when you’re feeling far from home

Warm is the heart, warm is the heart that loves true

Real is the love, real is the love that holds you

November

For Isaac, there wasn’t really any way to describe being alone in his and y/n’s shared apartment other than weird. The living space wasn’t cold by any means, y/n had made sure that it had the perfect homey feel within a month of them moving in, but it just lacked a certain warmth without her bouncing between rooms or eating cheetos and mustard off her baby bump on the couch. So, even though their little apartment was without a doubt his home in every sense of the word, the lack of his ride-or-die chilling next to him allowed his mind to wander and his thoughts to spiral whether he liked it or not.

Over the past several months, y/n somehow had failed to wake up during or even be aware of Isaac’s recurring nightmares. It wasn’t an every night thing, which Isaac was grateful for - this wasn’t exactly the first time in his life he’d felt like a prisoner in his own mind - but it still happened often enough that he’d started looking into therapists in their area. Despite the fact that his dreams continued to haunt him, he hadn’t booked a session yet. It wasn’t that he hadn’t called to do so - he had, several times in the past actually - it was just that every time the receptionist asked for his name he chickened out and hung up as if the voice on the other end had burnt him through the phone

Despite his years of training, adapting, and learning, Isaac began to feel his control slip through his fingers. His eyes glowed yellow and he tumbled towards their bedroom, fishing the triskelion medallion out of the bedside table drawer before he could do something he’d regret.

Deep breaths. He’d read that online, it had to be worth a try, right? Nope. Not working. His claws extended, forming small indents in the innocent wooden token. Okay, next plan. Grounding exercises. Isaac was running out of options and he was praying to whoever was listening that this would work. 

Five things you can see. His golden eyes darted around the bedroom as he created a list in his head. The door. The curtains that y/n insisted on buying, the ones he didn’t like but eventually grew on him. The alarm clock and its glowing red numbers. The haphazard pile of the few pairs of shoes that still fit y/n. The dresser.

Four things you can touch. The triskelion. His claws slowly receded back into his fingers, leaving only a few small marks on the wooden medallion. The bed comforter that he insisted on buying and though y/n would never admit it, Isaac knew that it had grown on her. The floor underneath his feet. He bounced his toe against the hardwood to reassure himself. A glass of water, he mentally checked off after grabbing the glass from the bedside table and taking a large swig. 

Three things you can hear. He chuckled a bit at that one. Did silence count? He’s completely alone in the dark apartment, so the only things he can hear are noises from the outside world, and if he strains hard enough, whatever netflix show the neighbors are watching. Close enough. 

Two things you can smell. y/n. Her unique scent enveloped the entire room. He could sense her smell embedded deep within the bed sheets. He could make out hints of her perfume lingering in the bathroom air. He could smell the small tin of mints she kept in a drawer near her sink, mostly there for post-vomit relief. The list went on and on, so Isaac figured it was more than fair to count y/n as the two things.

One thing you can taste. Even while backing himself away from the edge and trying to regain control over himself, he still managed to let his mind fall into the gutter. I’d really liked to taste her lips on mine right about now. He groaned quietly, his eyes shut as he tried to focus. After a bit of silence, he came up with something. Albeit not the most picturesque and sexy, it was still something. The thing Isaac could taste was a small piece of turkey stuck between his back teeth. 

Isaac’s eyes shifted back to their normal deep blue, his hands returned to their typical form, and his heartbeat slowed. Unbeknownst to him, he mimicked his girlfriend’s earlier state - eyes cast upwards while laying down, staring blankly at the ceiling fan. Isaac knew that he needed to deal with his trauma sooner rather than later. He hadn’t exactly viewed his dreams as a prophecy; he didn’t really think he’d have an outburst one day and y/n would be shielding his own child from him, but he knew that he needed to get whatever was going on under control. If not for himself, then for his family.

There were few things he knew for sure to be true, but of those few things he was pretty confident in. 1. Isaac loved y/n. To the moon and back, to infinity and farther. He found it hard to find the right words to describe the warmth he felt when she was around and the coldness he felt when she was gone with words other than “I love you.” 2. Having nightmares and intrusive thoughts about being just like his father wasn’t healthy for him. That wasn’t healthy for anyone. 3. He needed to be better. He needed to fight his demons. He needed to be the best boyfriend, the kind of partner that y/n deserved, and he needed to be a good father for his son, far better than his own.

“This is my fault,” y/n choked out around the heavy tears streaming down her face.

“No. No, absolutely not. Nothing that may have happened is your fault. Before everything gets out of hand, let’s go get you check out, okay?” Lydia soothed, tossing the test to the side and running her hands up and down y/n’s shaking arms. y/n nodded vigorously at Lydia’s words and waddled to the corner of the room to pick up her jacket. Lydia dialed Scott’s number, bouncing her leg impatiently while she waited for him to pick up. Before he could get a word in, she cut him off.

“Scott, call Deaton. Tell him to meet us at the animal clinic,” Lydia ordered, leaving no room for argument. When Lydia called, it was nearly 1 a.m. and Scott was very much asleep just a few moments prior to picking up the phone. Now, he found himself to be very awake at the alarming tone of Lydia’s voice. 

“Is everything okay? Who is ‘us’? Should I meet you there?” Scott asked, his words coming out a bit jumbled in his sleepy haze. Lydia avoided his first two questions entirely.

“No, no, don’t meet us. Just call Deaton. Now please,” Lydia hung up the phone before he had the chance to ask any more questions. Lydia practically ran towards her open suitcase, hastily grabbing whatever clothing was resting on the top and quickly changed out of her pajamas. y/n hadn’t bothered to change out of her own pajamas, she’d spent the majority of the past minute or two sliding her jacket on. Lydia shrugged on her coat, snatched her purse, and grabbed y/n’s hand in her own as she gently but quickly guided her out towards the driveway.

As soon as y/n fastened her seat belt, Lydia peeled out of the driveway and called Isaac, placing him on speaker phone. Isaac hadn’t been asleep when Lydia called him, but it was late enough that his voice sounded a little raspy over the phone. It took a moment for Isaac’s eyes to adjust to his bright phone screen, but once he saw Lydia’s name he immediately picked up.

“Hello?” he murmured groggily into the receiver, attempting to mask his inner turmoil.

“Isaac, meet us at the animal clinic, We’re on our way now, Deaton’s going to meet us. Hurry,” Lydia ordered, wide eyes on the empty road ahead of her. Isaac’s dopey sleep haze quickly wore away at Lydia’s urgent tone. He jumped out of bed and put a shirt on, not even bothering to change out of his sweatpants. He grabbed his keys and ran out towards the car before he managed to ask any questions.

“Why? What’s wrong? Is y/n okay? Is the baby okay?” Isaac rushed out, pulling out of the parking lot and onto the road about 20 miles over the posted speed limit. y/n let out a whimper that he heard loud and clear. “Baby, what’s wrong? Are you okay?” he asked nervously, weaving in between and around the few cars that were out on the road so late.

“I- I don’t know,” y/n sobbed out, hot tears running down her red cheeks. “Just please come quick, I- we need you,” she finished, closing her eyes and leaning her head back onto the headrest. 

“Okay, alright, I’m on my way. You’re gonna be fine, everything’s going to be fine. I’ll be there in five minutes,” he attempted to calm her down, but to no avail. Her pained whimpers and quiet sniffles could still be heard, even through the phone. He attempted to hide the fear in his voice, but he knew he wasn’t very successful; he was absolutely terrified. Isaac was the most scared he’d ever been in his entire life. The panic he’d felt while locked in the freezer by his father, the sheer terror from when the pack was dealing with the kanima, the fear from when they all fought the alpha pack and then when they dealt with the nogitsune, none of that compared to what he was feeling in that moment, as he raced against time itself to meet y/n and Lydia at the animal clinic.

Isaac sat at the red light, anxiously drumming his fingers against the wheel, willing the light to turn green. In all honesty, he normally would have run the light, but the last thing he needed right then was to get pulled over. He floored it the second the traffic light flickered green and turned sharp just under a minute later, practically skidding into the clinic’s parking lot. Isaac arrived just before Lydia pulled into the parking lot, faster than Isaac would’ve preferred since his pregnant girlfriend was in the passenger seat, but he was too riled up to pay attention. He was at the passenger door before Lydia even came to a complete stop and was opening the door the second it was unlocked. Isaac quickly but carefully helped y/n out of the car and held her as close to him as her baby bump would allow, wrapping one arm firmly around her back while the other hand was threaded through her hair, holding her head against his chest. He pulled away for a moment, scanning her body for injuries.

“Are you hurt?” Isaac’s eyes were wide with worry. y/n shook her head, lips trembling as she did so.

“I- I don’t know what’s happening, I don’t know what’s wrong, or why-” she heaved out, working herself closer and closer to the brink of a breakdown. Just then, Dr. Deaton appeared at the front door, opening it wide for the group he’d grown fond of over the years to enter. He ushered them into the lobby, the bright lights momentarily blinding y/n.

“Scott called me. He said you wouldn’t tell him anything. What seems to be the matter?” Deaton questioned kindly, subtly scanning y/n for external injuries. Lydia looked to y/n, ready to take over if y/n couldn’t bring herself to speak. y/n nodded her head lightly before turning to face Deaton fully.

“We- I- we were messing around and I took a pregnancy test as a joke, and it- it came back negative,” y/n explained between shaky breaths. Isaac’s eyes widened and he tightened his arm around her side. Deaton maintained a straight face and urged her to continue. “Lydia thought it must’ve been a false negative so I took another one and…” y/n trailed off and weakly gestured toward her best friend, the two negative tests sticking out of her purse.

“I see…” Deaton nodded vaguely before guiding her to the exam room in the back, Isaac following close behind. Dr. Deaton turned away from the couple, moving to shuffle some things around on the nearby counter.

“What does that mean, Doc? Why aren’t you saying anything?” Isaac demanded with wild eyes. Deaton maintained his composure and slowly turned back to the two. Internally, Deaton was worried about the implications of the negative tests, but he knew that sharing his concern wouldn’t do anyone any good, at least not before they ran some sort of diagnostic test.

“I’m not sure, Isaac. We are in uncharted territory right now,” Deaton said calmly, his last words coming across grimmer than anyone expected.

“Not sure?! That’s my kid in there and you’re just ‘not sure?’” Isaac asked incredulously. Deaton pursed his lips and stared down at the ultrasound machine he’d been setting up.

“Isaac, if you can’t calm down you’re going to have to wait in the lobby,” the older man said sternly. Isaac had never been known to control his anger well and was getting ready to give Deaton a piece of his mind before he caught a glimpse of y/n’s face. She looked at him pleadingly, her eyes puffy and red from all the crying, and he nodded slowly towards Deaton, never tearing his eyes away from y/n.

“Alright, y/n, I’m going to need you to get up on the table,” Deaton instructed, gesturing to the cool metal exam table in front of them. Isaac hoisted her up easily before y/n could attempt to get up herself, causing her to smile meekly at him. y/n shrugged off her jacket and rolled up her shirt; she was used to this process by now. Her face scrunched up at the cool feeling of the blue gel and ultrasound probe moving across her skin. Deaton stared intently at the screen that was just out of view of the expecting couple, moving the probe slightly every once in a while. Isaac and y/n were looking at him expectantly, holding their breaths and desperately wanting any news, good or bad.

“Well?” Isaac questioned impatiently, bouncing his leg anxiously and squeezing y/n’s hand tightly. Deaton turned the screen towards them and pointed to the grey figure in the center.

“Now, I’m no obstetrician and I haven’t exactly handled anything of this nature since Talia Hale, but I can tell you that everything seems to be healthy and normal,” he informed them, his voice soft and kind. y/n let out a watery laugh and smiled wide, relief spreading through her entire being as happy tears slid down her cheeks. Isaac wiped his own teary eyes and wrapped his arms tightly around y/n, placing a gentle kiss to her hair. Isaac came to stand right in front of y/n, practically standing in between her legs as she cleaned herself up and Deaton put the machine away. Isaac was feeling a bit clingy at that moment, so when Deaton turned back around to inspect the negative tests from earlier, he didn’t bother to move from his stance. The vet set the tests back down after staring at them silently for a moment and turned to address the couple again.

“These tests only measure one thing, the presence of hCG,” Deaton explained, motioning towards the white sticks. y/n nodded quietly, understanding the doctor’s words while confusion painted Isaac’s features.

“What’s hCG?” he asked skeptically. Deaton smiled lightly. The vet knew that Scott’s pack was rarely ever predictable, but seeing Isaac as a concerned father was definitely the last thing he expected.

“A pregnancy hormone. My guess is that your levels are low, which you may want to get checked out by your OB or Melissa. It could also be that there’s some other hormone present that’s compensating for or even taking over the role of hCG,” Deaton suggested. When y/n looked at him quizzically, he explained further. “Truth be told, I’ve never dealt with a pregnancy with a supernatural father and a human mother. But, in previous supernatural cases, I’ve seen that typical markers of a normal pregnancy aren’t always present. In my experience, this hasn’t affected the health of the fetus or baby upon birth,” the vet finished. y/n nodded, letting out a sigh of relief as she sank into Isaac’s side, too tired to support herself at this point.

“So… there’s some sort of not-human hormones throwing things off?” Isaac asked, scratching the back of his neck. Isaac prided himself on being involved in every step of the pregnancy: the good, the bad, and confusing medical appointments included.

“It’s likely,” Deaton answered, turning to guide the couple back towards the lobby. Isaac helped y/n slide off the table and wrapped his arm back around her side.

“Thank you. For everything. For coming in the middle of the night, for dealing with all of… this,” y/n thanked, gesturing vaguely to her stomach and then her tear-stained cheeks. Deaton shook his head, cutting her off.

“It’s no problem at all. I’m happy to help, really,” Deaton smiled kindly as he gently shook y/n’s hand. Isaac shook Deaton’s hand next, a quiet thank you escaping the father-to-be’s dry throat. 

When the trio came back out into the lobby, Lydia was looking down at her phone, thumbs moving at the speed of lightning as she responded to Stiles’s incessant chain of text messages. Stiles, her caring and loving boyfriend was a worry wart through and through. After Scott got off the phone with Lydia he immediately called Stiles, updating him with the little information he had about what was going on. Soon after arriving at the clinic, Lydia received approximately twenty texts from Stiles in the span of two minutes. Lydia found herself talking Stiles down from coming to the clinic, explaining that his baseball bat wouldn’t be of much assistance at that moment, unfortunately. Stiles was finally torn away from his phone when Malia nearly broke the jaw of a self-righteous man who happened to be twice her size.

Lydia immediately jumped up from her seat when she noticed the presence of her friends and Deaton in the lobby. She practically ran the small distance to three of them and wrapped her arms around y/n, pulling her into a tight hug.

“Are you alright? Is she alright?” Lydia asked in a rapid fire manner, the latter of her questions directed to Dr. Deaton. The vet smiled at the banshee, nodding politely.

“Yes, they’re both quite alright. Just shaken up, if anything. But you all could use some rest, go home and be with your families,” Deaton said, gently patting y/n’s back before he moved to unlock the front door. After the four of them said their goodbyes, Lydia and y/n exchanging a tight hug in the parking lot, y/n and Isaac headed home together.

There was no urgency, no rush this time as Isaac drove down the deserted streets of Beacon Hills. He drove well below the speed limit, an uncharacteristic move for him especially when he was behind the wheel of his beloved dodge challenger. y/n’s hand was clasped gently in his, their fingers intertwined as their hands rested in y/n’s lap. From the time they left the clinic, to the drive home, to the walk from the parking lot to their apartment, and then finally once they were in their apartment, the couple never once lost contact for more than a few moments at a time. After they passed the threshold and Isaac softly shut the front door behind them, he wrapped y/n up in his arms, pulling her into a gentle bear hug. After placing a delicate kiss on the top of her head, Isaac carefully tilted y/n’s head back until he was able to rest his forehead against hers.

“I was so scared tonight,” Isaac whispered, holding her tight to him with his hands resting on her waist. y/n gulped and nodded before leaning her head forward to rest against his sculpted chest and murmuring a quiet “me too.”

“I love you two so much, you know that?” He hummed, pressing a delicate kiss to the exposed skin of her neck. y/n nodded, a small lazy smile spreading across her lips.

“I love you too,” she said, reaching up to trace his jaw line with her fingers delicately. “Like, a crazy amount,” she teased cheekily, running her thumb over his plump bottom lip as she did so. Despite her best efforts, y/n couldn’t contain the yawn that slipped past her lips. Isaac took that as a sign that they both needed to head to bed, so he gently tapped her back before guiding her back towards their bedroom as her head rested against his arm sleepily. y/n smiled lightly as she cracked her eyes open to peer into the soon-to-be nursery, an assortment of unopened boxes scattered across the floor of the bare room.

Once they reached their bedroom, y/n opted to change out of her tear-stained clothes and into something more comfortable. Naturally, she reached for one of Isaac’s old shirts and pulled it over her head, the hem of the shirt reaching just above her mid thigh. She slipped under the warm covers of their bed, flipping down the blankets on Isaac’s side of the bed and inviting him to crawl in. Isaac slid in right behind her, pulling her close and spooning her from behind as both of his hands rested on her growing belly. y/n fell asleep quickly as she was absolutely exhausted from the night's events. 

Isaac stayed awake for a bit longer and for the first time in a long time it wasn’t due to his nightmares. He burrowed his head into the crook of her neck, breathing in her unique scent that had helped ground him earlier. Isaac didn’t know much for sure, but he did know that he’d do anything and everything in his power to keep his family safe and to be a better father than his own had been, fears be damned.

a/n: please excuse any grammar mistakes bc big surprise i didn’t feel like doing any extensive editing

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[intrulogical]

logan’s spotify playlist analysis

just a few (not really) thoughts i’ve garnered from the logan spotify playlist. fair warning, i have not heard of any of these songs before so i can be incorrect in interpreting some of the lyrics but hey, i’m trying my best, give ya girl a chance. i’ll also analyze the songs in order. summaries of my interpretations for each song is near at the end of the post! if you want to add anything, feel free to reply or reblog with your addition!

(one note, i won’t analyze the other sides’s playlist. i only did this because logan is my favorite, but if you want another analysis, i might do remus only if he gets one.) 

big thanks to the logang discord who talked to me about the spotify playlist and my friend jana for proofreading this and letting me ramble to them! the analysis is below the cut. word count: 8300.

edit: apparently two songs aren’t available in my country, so i wasn’t able to see them right away to be added on this analysis. please check this post for the analysis of the songs what i do for u and the watchtower.

reblogging is highly appreciated!!! i worked rlly hard on this!!

tw: lots of logan angst, mentions of repression of emotions, mentions of lack of self esteem, and there’s a mention of suicide/depresion at the song “one more time with feeling” but i’ll mention it on the bullet so you know which part to skip!

the description of the playlist written by logan is interesting: “I was impelled to compile this selection of songs. I don’t entirely understand some of the lyrics, but I still found them compelling. Listen, or don’t.” the “listen, or don’t” part really suggests many things. one idea you can gain from that is that logan is probably ashamed of the songs he selected, even if he liked them, because it could be dubbed as “childish” but another thought i got is that the playlist confesses a lot of logan’s insecurities and personal issues, which might make him hesitant to present this to us because he’s not used to expressing himself and is probably scared of what others may think of him.

moreover, logan admitting he didn’t understand some of the lyrics sound a bit like a lie to me. while some songs could be difficult to understand without the lyrics, they all connect to something about logan, and to me, it’d make more sense that logan is hesitating to admit that some lyrics resonate with him because the lyrics connect to his personal identity/issues and he is definitely covering it up by saying he just vibes with the song’s aesthetic.

starting off, the elements by tom lehrer gives us the general idea about logan. he’s smart, he’s intelligent, he probably knows a lot more than what thomas knows which is weird but it works because it’s logan. 

additionally, i just found out on genius.com that the song was meant to introduce the elements of the periodic table to an audience with a catchy tune so it can be remembered easily. this could imply that when thomas is learning something rather difficult, logan’s there to find different ways to teach thomas the lesson which thomas can easily adapt to. 

white & nerdy by “weird al” yankovic is one of the few songs in logan’s playlist that’s in the form of a rap. before we dive into this song, i’d like to mention that logan picking very fast-paced songs are very interesting because i feel like raps and fast-paced songs resemble logan’s thought process. like remus, i feel like logan has an influx of thoughts and ideas that run across his head at any given time. fast songs could easily represent how much logan is thinking because raps can easily inform listeners about a lot of ideas and thoughts in one quick moment.

anyway, back to white & nerdy, first thing’s first: logan is an absolute nerd, but he also wants to be perceived as cool. this song practically screams “tryhard nerd is trying to be hip with the kids” and logan could probably relate to that on a spiritual level.

lyrics that probably stand out from this song would be the “I wanna bowl with the gangstas / But, oh well, it's obvious I'm white and nerdy” which is repeated throughout the song with the verbs changed in every chorus. “They see me strollin', they laughin' / And rollin' their eyes 'cause I'm so white and nerdy” could imply that the way logan is trying to be “cool” is failing because no matter what, everyone will still see him as a “nerd” above all else. because of this, it’s hard for him to relate and communicate with the other sides because the way he expresses himself could be something perceived as weird to the other sides. logan is just that different with the others, maybe you can suggest he’s the odd one out.

(this is probably also why in dwit, when he was called “cool”, he let out a disbelieving noise. he just wants to be seen as cool while also being himself and in dwit, he achieved that. the flashcards logan uses across the series is supposed to make him look “cool” but in dwit, he didn’t use any of that at all, being himself throughout the episode, and at the end, he was finally called “cool” for being himself.)

also, this may be a stretch, but if the other sides are supposed to be the “gangstas” he wants to roll with, that also can imply that logan doesn’t think lowly of the other sides. rather, he thinks of them as cool as well, and he wants to be just like them.

algorhythm by childish gambino is a very interesting song and a song that might be a bit difficult to understand (poor me with my bilingual problems) but an interesting take i found on genius.com helped me understand the context of the song. i will explain the song first before discussing how it connects to logan because this song is so smart. the song’s verses display apprehension as many of the lyrics question the validity of humanity and our society. the verses are intentionally distorted and inaudible because these statements oppose what could be deemed as acceptable in the society. the reason it is portrayed this way is because the person is afraid to be the odd one out in a society who thinks otherwise, despite how correct this one person is while the rest of the society isn’t. the chorus, while it could be perceived as something fun, talks about how majority of the society would choose to be ignorant about what is truly happening in our society and they would often follow whatever is popular, trendy, or fun; that is what the “algorhythm” really means. the chorus demands us to follow whatever is being said, to move our body exactly how society expects us to move. we follow the pattern that society deems is good, no matter how many problems still persist in the society. that is why the chorus is the most audible part of the song, why be hesitant when whatever you’re doing is something that the society loves doing as well? the song repeats “the algorhythm is perfect, mmh” twice, and it is expressed by the person who is having questioning thoughts about the algorhythm. this implies that no matter what, you will succumb to whatever society demands of you, and anything, especially the thoughts of one person against many, would not be able to change that.

now, how does this connect to logan? there are two main things i’d love to discuss: 1.) logan being the odd one of the group as his beliefs and thoughts are often brushed aside as they contradict what the other three core sides believe. and; 2.) while sometimes correct, the other three core sides in certain situations could offer the wrong solutions for problems without knowing they are negatively impacting thomas. logan’s the person questioning the society, the other core sides are the majority who can sometimes be ignorant of what could truly be the best solution for problems that arise, and thomas is the one who blindly follows what the majority presents as solutions, consequently making some of his problems worse. 

now for the first point: logan usually is the most insightful whenever there is a problem that needs to be dealt with. it’s already known that he wants to be listened to so badly, and this song implies that he feels disregarded for thinking differently, even if it’ll benefit thomas immensely. an example would be in dwit wherein patton and virgil wouldn’t stop doubting and cutting him off whenever he tries to help thomas. the song is implying that because of how he is the odd one out in the group, he is starting to become more apprehensive about what he thinks because he feels like he’s wrong most of the time. it implies that he thinks it’d be easier to succumb to what the others think is right rather than to think his own opinions are important. just like in the song, logan is “(Moving how they say so)” because at some point, he gives in to the idea that he is incorrect and wrong, and is beginning to adapt to what the majority thinks is right.

for the second point, i don’t want to suggest i’m berating the other three core sides when in reality, those three are also very important to thomas, but then again, those three aren’t the most flexible when accepting suggestions that come from logan. while the three don’t always agree on certain solutions, they agree more with each other compared to agreeing to solutions suggested by logan. when thomas sees this, he might think that because more sides agree with one idea, maybe it’s better to go with the majority, and that pushes logan away more despite his contributions actually being useful to the group.

okay, this is added last minute because i got the thought really late but i think we should recognize this as the event that pushed logan to start having higher expectations for himself. the previous song shows us he wants to be perceived as cool, but the next song shows us he wants to be perceived as perfect. the problem logan had with himself definitely evolved for the worse and i think this song shows us what pushed logan to be so nitpicky about how un-perfect he is.

fitter happier by radiohead has a very direct message and its connection to logan is the same with the message they are trying to say on its own. this song showcases the high expectations logan has for himself to be the most perfect side for thomas, when in reality, the list of things described in the song ironically doesn’t describe how we can become the “most perfect” human; it describes how we can be the most inhuman thing in the world. if anything, the list of activities only makes us more machine than human, which is why the song is spoken through a robotic voice. the connection to logan is really easy to make here: logan thinks that pushing himself to strictly follow a certain itinerary would be beneficial for him in the hopes that he can be the most perfect version of himself for thomas, when in reality, it’s unrealistic as it only encourages the repression of his negative emotions. moreover, this song implies that logan needs to understand that he is allowed to be free and to make mistakes because no human can ever be perfect. all he’ll end up doing is abuse himself if he continued down this path of repression and strict planning for himself. to be the best version of yourself means it’s okay to make mistakes, and it’s important to learn from them, and if you follow this toxic planning for yourself, you’ll only end up being trapped.

medicine by STRFKR gave me a bilingual headache because this song is kind of difficult to understand, even more than algorhythm. someone in genius.com��mentioned that “Never Remember / Your Birthday” is actually wrong, and rather, it should be “ Never Remember / You’re perfect / Or anything you like”. the song itself talks about philosophy, saying you can never be perfect because if you realize that you are perfect, you become egotistical and you lose interest in learning more if you realize you’re “perfect”. logan would never, ever want to lose interest in learning-- that’s his entire being, damnit! logan wouldn’t be a person who’d want to disregard the importance of learning. because of this, the song implies logan recognized  the fact that he can never be perfect, albeit quite hesitantly,  but he still aims to be the best he can be for thomas.

the song states that while we cannot be perfect, we can still be curious and hungry for knowledge, and that would be a good substitute for aiming to be perfect. curiosity is the medicine being talked about in the song, and if logan can’t be perfect, at least he can be curious because in that way, logan can learn, logan can educate himself, and logan would be knowledgeable enough for thomas.

the breach by clipping. implies that logan is the most rational side who knows how to keep everything steady. while i won’t get into details of what the song is about, the song is rapped by a computer white a problem is occuring in the space ship they are in. just like the computer, logan is the side who oftentimes knows the correct approach for any given problem, but tends to complicate how he expresses his statements. i believe this song expresses how analytical logan is and how he requires himself to be the most specific he can be at any given moment. same points that i mentioned earlier could be applied again here: despite how intricate logan can be, the other sides need to listen to him more because whatever he’s saying isn’t just useless jargon. he does make valid statements and the other sides need to listen to him more or else, just like at the end of the song, everything can become utter chaos.

just one more thing to add-- while i am unfamiliar with the album, i read the genius.com annotations for the lyrics and it mentioned that the computer, who is a character in the album, slowly becomes more human-like over the course of the story. in this song, which is the beginning of the album, we can easily interpret the computer as an over-analyzing unemotional machine, but over time, they get to become more human and think past their coding. they get to develop their own emotions and they get to become  something more than a logical device. see a connection with logan? this implies that logan’s arc will involve himself being able to differentiate himself as an individual and himself as logic. while he is thomas’s logic, he needs to allow himself to be his own person and have his own personality. (i wonder how that’ll mix in with the “i’m not perfect enough” problem logan has)

letter c by zach sherwin depicts logan’s frustration from being made fun of. the line “Hey you know the only difference between ‘rap’ and ‘crap?’ It’s the letter C” basically implies that someone told logan that his passions and interests are synonymous to shit. throughout the series, while logan’s passions aren’t directly invalidated, he has been called nicknames often, and also is doubted from time to time whenever he expresses something to the others. but the thing is, teaching others, educating others-- that’s what logan is passionate about, and the fact that a lot of the others are disinterested by what he says would undoubtedly make logan frustrated, like what happens in the song. 

however, logan is not good at comebacks unless it was planned in advanced, but this song gives us a good idea of logan’s thought process whenever he gets insulted. we know he keeps a notebook of everything said to him that is deemed as stupid (embarrassing phases ep i think?) and we can understand that insults really get to him and sticks to him deeply. he overthinks about them; he ponders about them.

other than that, having no comebacks also make logan feel ashamed of himself (which is suggested at the end of the song) because not only would he look stupid to the others, he would also look uncool or un-perfect, and he really doesn’t want to be perceived as either.

galaxy song from monty python  is honestly just adorable. while it is sad to see that logan probably doesn’t seek comfort in other people, he does seek comfort in the stars. he is very passionate about astronomy, and while i doubt thomas took the astronomy class logan desperately wanted him to take, logan still hasn’t given up on astronomy like thomas did. while some might be scared of the idea that we are a mere speck in the universe that extends infinitely, logan is fascinated by it. logan loves knowledge, logan loves learning, and he is very fond of astronomy mostly because the knowledge he can earn is unlimited. additionally, he finds worth in himself because he was born in a universe filled with many stars and planets that he finds fascinating, and i think that’s adorable.

streaks by ANIMA! depict thomas’s and logan’s shared development throughout the years, especially when thomas was still a teenager. while there are many hardships growing up, these hardships were detrimental for thomas to understand himself further, and it is all thanks to logan for helping thomas make sense of everything. here, logan highly values education, thinking of it as a crucial part of thomas’s future. the song suggests that logan has planned for thomas’s future for a very long time, and he is convinced that whatever thomas is going through in school will help benefit logan’s plans for thomas. once thomas left school, particularly college, he has learnt everything he needs for a brighter future. all of this knowledge and development is thanks to logan, and the lines “Throw em in the water / They will sink or float / If you don't then you will never know” speak of the process of how logan was able to gain information and knowledge that thomas would apply for himself in the future. this knowledge isn’t limited to academic knowledge-- it’s about his social life, about his personal self, it’s everything thomas has learned. everything thomas knows now is thanks to logan.

okay but here comes the angst. the line “You're a smart kid, tough kid, but you're still a kid that grew” implies so much. firstly, we can recognize that logan probably has had a long time plan for thomas’s future and his career since he was a teenager, and he expects thomas to follow this plan right after college because he expects that at this point, thomas has fully come to understand himself and he needs to put all this progress and development into good use. what he didn’t expect is that thomas was still developing, still changing, and is still “a kid that grew” despite graduating. as we know, thomas mostly does youtube/theatre for a living, and it probably pained logan that all this planning he has turned out pointless. but even if thomas changed career plans right after college, the chorus repeating again implies that logan is still helping thomas develop. he still makes plans for thomas, he contributes ideas for thomas to place in his videos, and most importantly, he ensures a successful life for thomas, no matter what.

erase me by ben folds five is easily one of the angstiest songs on the playlist. in the song, the singer is trying to sing about a breakup and how their ex treats the singer as worthless. if we want to envision this in logan’s perspective, the song would be talking about the fragile relationship logan has with the other sides. the song describes their home together as “Paper not stone” which implies that their relationship was shaky, was unstable, and it was no surprise for logan that they eventually left him. yea, it wasn’t logan who left, but it was the others. this is implied by the line “And when you pulled your half away”. 

even if it is implied that the others left him first, the song still suggests that logan cares deeply about them. but even if he cares about the others, he questions his worth nonstop, evident in like… the whole song. the song is called “erase me”, so it’s no surprise that logan blames himself in this situation and would even think of himself as the problem. it’s clear in the song that logan still deeply cares about the others, and their opinions on him still affect him gravely. the last line “And if you feel nothing, guess what I wanna be? Nothing.” implies that logan highly considers what the others say towards him, and sometimes would treat it as fact. if the others think nothing of him then maybe, he is nothing. throughout the series, logan has been repeatedly insulted and made fun of and while he becomes defensive, the songs in this playlist show that he does listen to the others and their criticisms of him, and he wants to change himself because of it.

while logan ponders deeply about the insults said to him, the song shows us that the others don’t think much of it. the song actually implies they’ve replaced logan as if he were some utility and acted nothing of it. they don’t realize the emotional pain they’ve inflicted unto logan and he knows this. logan recognizes that they don’t consider his worth. additionally, the line “Go and call the cops now, baby” sort of implies that thomas is also in on this and has heard of what the others said about logan and is siding with the others. 

not only does logan feel incredibly sad by this, it’s obvious that logan is also very angry. he’s angry that the others think of him as useless, he’s angry that the others think he’s replaceable, and while he does listen to their jabs at times, he similarly just wants to prove them wrong. while the line “Erase me” can depict him succumbing to their jeers, this could also be about logan thinking of a way that’ll make the others realize his worth. the lines “We know that you don’t seem to think about what you need ‘til you reach to find that you’ve erased me.” suggests that the others can only understand his worth if logan erases himself completely. while the others pushed him away, they haven’t really erased him completely, but they just simply avoided him. if logan actually is gone, or maybe if he… ducks out, the others might realize what big of a mistake they’ve committed.

(honestly, it also must be frustrating for logan that the only way he can prove his worth is to disappear from the others. is his efforts just not good enough for them?)

also, at this point of the playlist, it is quite evident that logan is not emotionless. he has emotions, but clearly… they aren’t positive ones. many of these songs already tell us of logan’s problems: he isn’t listened to enough, he’s been left behind, he’s frustrated with himself, he wants to appear cool to the others, etc. and what’s worse is that he’s dealing with all these problems alone. one of the reasons he probably is repressing his emotions besides wanting to be “perfect” for thomas is that he does not want to reveal how much negative emotions have flooded him because of the other sides. he doesn’t want the others to be hurt just like how they hurt him.

now, art is dead by bo burnham definitely speaks of logan’s thoughts on art, and how flawed he believes roman and thomas’s artistry is. logan would define art as something you can be passionate about with money never being a factor of how great you are performing. in logan’s opinion, roman’s way of creating art is flawed. he views roman’s passion as something fake. instead of being the artist roman thinks he is, logan thinks of him as someone merely egotistical and selfish, someone who’s immature and craves attention. and while this might be harsh on logan’s part, i also think logan recognizes that this egotistical side roman is showing is most likely fake. in the lines “It’s all an illusion / I’m wearing makeup”, and “My drug’s attention / I am an addict / But I get paid to indulge in my habit”, logan understands that perhaps, roman is hiding under a facade. moreover, logan recognizes the danger behind roman endlessly craving attention from others. logan understands that there is a negative side to roman’s need for attention because roman needs to understand that he is valid even without other people praising him; roman relying on attention to measure his value is only going to ruin himself and his self-esteem. while i think the song has many messages behind it (please god help me because i don’t know how to explain this song well), i think this song discusses how despite loathing roman at some times, he is trying his best to understand him. while some parts downright insult roman, some parts show that logan understands roman is hurting.

another interpretation i’ve got is this song shows logan’s views on thomas becoming an entertainer. he thinks that the career he has now is undignifying and embarrassing. logan expresses that people who are entertainers or artists have stopped creating art because of it being their passion; rather, logan thinks these people do it because it’s a cheap way to earn money quickly. in this way, logan feels like the career he has now is unsatisfying because it all feels like a cheat to him. in the song, they state the unfairness of how rich entertainers are despite being lazy compared to people who work in drugstores, aiming to help people the best they can 24/7 with low pay. another lyrics you can use to describe logan’s frustration with how unsatisfied he is with this lifestyle would be the line “Cause I wanted my name in lights / When I could have fed a family of four / For forty fucking fortnights / Forty fucking fortnights.”. but even if logan feels undignified, he succumbs to the fact that he’s trapped being this kind of artist, but it’s obvious he isn’t too happy about it. 

equation by hans zimmer & camille is unexpectedly depressing. this song is most likely sung from the perspective of a child growing up, overwhelmed by how much they have to learn before they reach adulthood. this entire song depicts a child asking questions which are supposed to make them look “grownup” enough, hoping they are on the right path for a successful future. i think this song depicts the stress logan experienced when thomas was approaching adulthood because everyone practically depended on him for thomas to have a successful life. this acknowledges the only time logan has felt overwhelmed by the influx of knowledge he had to learn just so he can ensure thomas that everything will turn out okay. in the song, the singer asks a lot of questions that could be labelled as something “grownups” would do, which shows us that logan’s need to be professional all stemmed from him wanting to help thomas become successful in the future. but even if logan was able to plan for thomas’s future, there are some parts of the song that imply that logan longs for times he was a child again. it’s just… logan just grew up so fast, everyone relied on him at such a young age, and he never really enjoyed his childhood to the fullest. he wonders where his childhood went, and he patiently waits for the happiness he experiences as a child to come back again. then again, that happiness would never return, would it?

additionally, the lines “Have I made you cross? Have I made you sad? Have I made you proud, Mom?” imply that when logan was growing up, he was, most of the time, alone. he never really confided in others for any problems he had, and he preferred handling everything independently. nobody seemed to pay attention to him anyway, even if he really cares for the other sides. i know it’s been said before but logan really needs to gain more recognition for everything he’s done for thomas, and people really need to listen to him more.

while logan would never admit this now, i do think logan, as a child, was immensely overwhelmed by how much he thinks. just like remus, logan has an influx of thoughts and ideas going through his head, and when he didn’t understand it in the past, he probably wanted all of it to quiet down. his role as logic is tiring, and while logan understood this at a young age, i believe that growing up, he began to normalize this as it happens too frequently over the years, evident by how logan usually acts throughout the series. to this day, logan probably has many experiences where he feels exhausted or stressed, but he intentionally doesn’t tell the others about it because again, he thinks that being this stressed is a normal occurrence.

(this is probably why he doesn’t wanna open up with others in the series. while i think he is repressing emotions intentionally, i feel like sometimes, he just doesn’t admit he is stressed because he shrugs it off as a normal occurrence.)

sunrise from in the heights is one of the more unique songs in the playlist. yes yes i know, as a logince fan i am also screaming internally and externally but i do have a different explanation as to why logan placed this song in his playlist aside from him wanting to be closer to roman. this song displays a moment of someone learning, something logan is quite fond of. while the song displays an educational experience between two characters, it’s also very intimate. logan probably believes that to be able to achieve knowledge, you must disregard your feelings because it’ll only get in the way of learning. but this song shows that our emotions could be a motivator for us to learn. that’s what makes logan like this song. this song fascinates logan because in the song, benny, the guy who can’t speak spanish, is learning spanish because he loves nina, the girl teaching him spanish. it shows him that in learning, having feelings and emotions is completely valid, and it doesn’t restrict learning entirely. 

another thing i’d like to note is that songs like this that show a fascination in learning probably motivate logan to learn more. he is merely fascinated when he sees people being amused by education and learning, hence why he might have a fondness for the song. 

one more time with feeling by regina spektor is… sad. it talks about a patient recovering from their illness and coping with the sadness that comes with it. (tw: suicide/depression, please skip to the next bullet if you are triggered by this.) the illness being spoken about in the song would be depression and this shows us the aftermath of someone committing suicide. while i do not think logan would be depressed or suicidal, i do think the song is suggesting that logan is suffering something, and he thinks it’d be appropriate for himself to… erase himself. this is the second song in the playlist that implies logan would want to disappear because the others neglect him. the line “And the pride inside their eyes would synchronize into a love you’ve never known so much more than you’ve been shown” implies that the other sides will finally acknowledge logan if and only if he erases himself, duck out.

we can fully establish at this point that logan represses a lot of his emotions and the other sides know it too. the others, clearly evident in lntao, tries to help logan to stop repressing his emotions, but they aren’t really successful in teaching him. i think it’s mostly because the sides are being sympathetic rather than empathetic, and the sides think that their way of accepting their emotions would be a helpful way for logan to understand his emotions too. but the thing they don’t realize is that maybe, logan isn’t like them, and he can’t use the same ways they use because frankly, it doesn’t work. now, where in the song does this get implied? The lines “You thought by now you’d be so much better than you are / You thought by now they’d see that you had come so far.” suggests that logan did consider the advice of the other sides at some point. he tried to accept his emotions like the others said, he really thought that he might be able to get over his issues. but the wording of the song is really interesting because it says “You thought--” as if the person thought it would work, but it didn’t. additionally, the chorus at the end could be thought of as the advice logan is receiving from the other sides. but the lyrics “Hold on / One more time with feeling / Try it again, breathing’s just a rhythm” implies that the advice he’s getting isn’t working for him. it didn’t work for him, but he’s trying again because he doesn’t doubt the other sides, and if that doesn’t work, he’s trying again. then, the lyrics say, “Say it in your mind, until you know that the words are right.” which is a much more cynical line because they’re implying that if their advice doesn’t work, then logan just needs to try harder until it’s ingrained in his brain. the last line, “This is why we fight” could have a double meaning. one might think this is about fighting your inner demons to eventually overcome them. but this could also mean that the advice logan is receiving from the others isn’t working, and the fact that they push their advice so much unto him would be the reason why the sides and logan fight. in this sense, the lyric could mean “This, the uneffective advice I receive from you, is the reason why you (the others) and I (Logan) fight.”. to cut this short, the other sides need to be more empathetic in trying to understand logan’s issues because so far, all they’ve been doing is make assumptions for logan’s problems and offer solutions that might only work for themselves. for them to be able to help logan, they must put themselves in his shoes and understand logan better, or else they might just end up damaging him.

now, i do have a less depressing interpretation of this song which completely contradicts the last bullet point but i wanted to mention it because it made sense to me. while i did imply that the chorus could have some malicious intent behind it, we can also look at it in a positive light. this song in the playlist is the only one where we see logan possibly getting comforted by the other sides, and that would make sense seeing that the songs after this one would be about logan accepting himself for who he is. so, if we think of this song as the sides finally reaching out for logan, we can assume that at some point in the series, logan will reveal every problem he has to the other sides. at this point, instead of neglecting him, the sides are showing him love that he’s never seen before because they finally understand logan. sadly, their love and comfort would only be given only if they realize how bad logan is hurting, but at least he’s finally receiving the love that he desperately wanted.

in my mind by amanda palmer speaks of a topic similar to the songs medicine and fitter, happier because it sings about perfection. at this point, we can safely assume that logan is obsessed with precision and perfection, and he has aimed to be perfect for thomas for a very long time. problem is, he doesn’t realize how much he’s beating himself up from trying to achieve his perfect self. however, this song is the first one in the playlist which shows logan accepting that he can’t be perfect, and the person he is now is good enough for him and for the others. yes, medicine implies logan understands he cannot be perfect, but the song didn’t really give us that sense of resolution like this song does. i also think this song perfectly resembles how logan’s arc is going to look like. the song is split into four verses and each verse shows us the different stages of how sometimes, we want to be the perfect version of ourselves, but in the end, we realize we’re good enough for ourselves and for others.

anyway, focusing on the song, the first verse discusses logan’s high expectations for himself. the line “In a future five years from now / I’m a hundred and twenty pounds / And I never get hung over / Because I will be the picture of discipline” definitely shows it. he’s restricting himself because, implied by the lines “Never minding what state I’m in / And I will be someone I admire”, he isn’t satisfied with the person he is at the present. To further add to this, the line “And it’s funny how I imagined / That I would be that person now” explains that at some point, logan thought he was smart enough, he once thought he was “perfect”, but he realized that he wasn’t. he thought that he was enough, but no, something made him realized that he still had many flaws (cough algorhythm cough). the line “Maybe I’ve forgotten how to see / That I’m not exactly the person that I thought I’d be” shows him realizing that he wants to be better, he wants to improve himself. logan definitely has his own insecurities about his worth which makes him want to push himself more. 

verse two has the same implications as the first verse but i do believe it is showing the negative effects of wanting to be perfect more. this shows us logan getting used to controlling himself to strictly do things that he can only label as something that’ll help himself improve. this time, it’s stricter with the line “Because I will be the picture of discipline / Never fucking up anything” and it depicts how simple mistakes he commits would make him feel miserable. (cough this means the infinitesimal mistake probably pained him so much cough cough)

verse three shows us logan realizing that the perfect version he aims to be is actually… not so perfect. the lines “I’m so busy with everything / That I don’t look at anything” is logan getting a realization that he hates this. he hates aiming to be perfect, he hates how restricting himself, and this “perfect version” he aims to be is just bullshit. the lines “And it’s funny how I imagined / That I could be that person now / But that’s not what I wanted / If that’s what I wanted / Then I’d be giving up somehow / How strange to see / That I don’t wanna be the person that I want to be” suggest that logan realized that doing all this, aiming to be perfect, is hurting him. he didn’t want to be perfect. i also think that these lines show us that logan is finally prioritizing himself above all things because, evident in the songs before this, he always aimed to be perfect for others. he always saw himself as faulty and he always intended to fix himself. but this verse shows us that he realizes that he isn’t faulty, he isn’t a mistake, he isn’t someone who needs to improve. he realizes he’s in hurting and he gives in to it, realizing he just needs to give himself time to accept himself for who he is because again, he is enough.

the last verse has logan acknowledging that the “perfect version” he aims to accomplish is downright impossible. the lines “And maybe it’s funniest of all / To think I’ll die before I actually see / That I am exactly the person that I want to be.” shows logan finally acknowledging his self-worth. he finally admits he’s good enough, and laughs at his past self trying so hard to be perfect. he’s okay. he understands he’s good enough. (also i am very proud of him, you don’t understand how my heart is exploding rn)

not perfect by tim minchin has kind of the same message as the previous song. it’s quite heartwarming that at this point, logan’s starting to accept himself and he’s not afraid to say he isn’t perfect. in this song, the singer expresses the many things he holds dear in his life, and while he acknowledges that there are some flaws to everything, he still thinks of them fondly, telling us that no matter how un-perfect it is, it’s enough for him. there’s a repeated line of “It’s not perfect, but it’s mine” and it’s easy to say that logan is not only referring to himself, but he’s referring to the family he has as well. he’s been so hard on himself that whenever he sees a flaw in something, he immediately think it’s faulty. but here, he’s acknowledging that flaws are something normal, something okay to have, and instead of turning away from himself or the others, he begins to love himself and his family.

i think the most important verses would be the verses which sing about his body and his brain. it’s all gonna be repetitive, i know, but the lines “I spend so much time hating it [my body] but it never says a bad word about me” and “[This is my brain] where all my fucked up thoughts can hide / ‘Cause god forbid I hurt somebody” really emphasize how much logan struggled before he began to accept himself. while the first line suggests he struggled a lot with how he thinks of himself, the second speaks of how much thoughts he repressed because he wanted to be better for others. while i don’t think the thoughts are really “fucked up” like the lyric suggests, i think this mostly talks about his negative emotions and how he wanted to hide it from the others. but at the end, again, he eventually stops repressing his emotions and allows himself to let them out because it’s perfectly valid.

human by tank and the bangas has almost the same message as the previous two songs. what’s interesting is that logan uses knowledge and different facts to motivate himself to love himself. throughout the song, it tells us facts about our bodies which logan would definitely be fascinated by, and it’s soft to think that he values himself because he treasures the fact that we exist. we are made this way for a reason, everything in his body has been meticulously crafted to serve different purposes, and logan finds it amazing. not only does he use this to help motivate himself, but he uses this to love the other sides as well. in this song, it is implied that there has been a relationship that has gone wrong, and we can think of it as the friendship between logan and the others. while the relationship between logan and the others has been wonky, they will eventually make amends and be close again; logan just needs time to understand himself, to love himself, and when logan is finally okay, he and the other sides and start over. 

what i love about this song is not only is logan accepting himself but he is complimenting himself. while the last two songs are about him saying he’s enough, this song actually shows us that logan is starting to admire himself. he says he’s incredible and valuable, tougher than any superhero, and if that ain’t character development, i don’t know what is 

one last interesting bit is that these last three songs imply that logan honestly needs a break from everything. all this acceptance and loving yourself can only be achieved if logan takes a break from working. i think this implies logan will eventually isolate himself from the others in the series just for a few moments, just so he can finally help himself, and he can only reconnect with the others if and only if he takes care of himself first. 

time adventure from adventure time acknowledges eternalism wherein time is all an illusion and that there is no past or future, just the present tense. everything is currently set in the present, and whatever happened, happens, or is happening will exist forever because everything is set in the same time period which is the present. i think this song suggests that logan has already reconciled with himself and the others again and currently, he is happy with it. he uses this eternalism to emphasize how he treasures this moment of happiness so much. in this way, he can say that this happiness that he is experiencing right now will exist forever because it exists now. there’s not much more to say here than logan is finally happy, the others are happy with him, and he wants this moment of joy to happen forever. 

now that that’s over, i’m going to summarize my analysis of each song in the following bullet points so it can be easier to understand:

the elements by tom lehrer: logan values education and always aims make anything easily understandable for thomas.

white & nerdy by “weird al” yankovic: logan, while he is a nerd, also wants to appear as cool to fit in with the others.

algorhythm by childish gambino: logan feels like he’s being alienated by the group because he thinks differently from them, despite being correct.

fitter happier by radiohead: logan has high expectations for himself to be perfect but this also makes him feel trapped.

medicine by STRFKR: logan realizes being perfect means he might become lazy, and this first showcases logan questioning if aiming to be perfect is a valid thing to do. 

the breach by clipping.: logan is portrayed as someone who keeps control of everything thomas’s mind. without him, everything will disrupt into chaos.

letter c by zach sherwin: logan overthinks a lot about the insults he receives and wishes he can produce better comebacks so others might think he’s cool.

galaxy song from monty python: logan is fascinated by astronomy, bringing him comfort.

streaks by ANIMA!: thomas’s life being put-together is all thanks to logan. logan really should deserve more credit for building the person thomas is today.

erase me by ben folds five: logan feeds like he’s being disregarded and the others don’t know they are hurting him. he thinks erasing himself might make the others realize his worth, even if he sometimes lacks self-love.

art is dead by bo burnham: logan feels undignified with thomas’s career as an entertainer and he thinks roman is immature. then again, this song implies he wants to further understand roman.

equation by hans zimmer and camille: logan was stressed a lot when thomas was approaching adulthood and he thinks his job as logic is incredibly tough, making him miss it when thomas was a child, free of any responsibilities.

sunrise from in the heights: logan is fascinated by the fact that emotions can be a motivator for learning, something he has never thought of before.

one more time with feeling by regina spektor: the others finally understand what logan’s worth is when logan disappears, but the advice they give to him aren’t exactly the best but hey, they’re trying to reconcile with each other.

in my mind by amanda palmer: logan accepts the fact he can’t be perfect and the person he is now is enough.

not perfect by tim minchin: logan begins to understand that the most un-perfect thinks could be the things he loves the most, and he begins to love himself more, thinking it’s enough.

human by tank and the bangas: logan finds comfort in facts as it makes him feel more empowered. these facts make him fascinated with himself, as well as find fascination in the other sides.

time adventure from adventure time: he finally reconciles with the others, reconciles with himself, and he wants the happiness he feels now to exist forever.

now, thomas mentioned in a tweet to listen to them in order. i do think the playlist is meant to foreshadow what’s to happen to logan’s arc. these are a few thoughts that i have that might occur in logan’s arc:

all of logan’s problems definitely stem from him wanting to be cool enough for the other sides. because he wants to be perceived as cool and the others don’t really think of him that way, he begins devaluing himself. this problem eventually evolves, and instead of wanting to be cool, logan wants to be absolutely flawless, and he is abusing himself because of it.

roman is definitely someone with a crucial role in logan’s arc. this playlist references roman more than the other sides and while i don’t know what his role is, i do think he is one of the main people who will help logan during his arc.

with songs like erase me and one more time with feeling, i have a very heavy feeling that logan will duck out or disappear. he did get the epiphany that the others will only see his worth if he is gone, and this might happen during his arc.

ONE LAST THING: thomas tweeted this: 

it is suspicious to me that he says that this is only PART of the reason why. there is a bigger reason to why logan didn’t put crofters the musical on his playlist, and i can only think of two reasons why. one would be he didn’t want to hurt roman since it was evident that logan respects the other sides, especially roman. another is that he isn’t embarrassed by his singing per se, but he is embarrassed with himself. he was too immature, too incompetent, and because logan longs to be perfect, he might consider crofters the musical as a mistake he committed. 

(also, if logan is ashamed of not putting crofters the musical and is hesitant to show us this playlist, does he mean he still is suffering now?)

anywho, conclusion: logan is sad, give him some love, and i hope he knows we love him for who he is. remember that my interpretation is my interpretation, not in any form fact, so if i’m wrong, i’m wrong, and that’s okay! again, feel free to add anything to this and have your own interpretations because i’d love to hear them!