#like *looking at big spider crabs* who are you what are you and how do you exist (appreciatory)

[weirdmarioenemies]

Name: Spoing

Debut: Super Mario Galaxy

Spoing is a jumping spider! Though it's not quite a jumping spider, you know? Like how a lynx is a big cat, but it's not a big cat. You know. But even so, I would like to express my appreciation to real jumping spiders! With their extra conventional cuteness, they capture the hearts of even people who are scared of other bugs, and as such are ambassadors for the rest of spiderkind. A gateway to appreciating some other creatures, which some fools may call "less charismatic", as if it is not charismatic to, for example, dangle a blob of silk to catch moths like a little fisherman. Anyway, as president, I will make sure all jumping spiders are compensated for their services. In dollars.

I don't know if I'm just saying this because I've been replaying Galaxy recently and have a sort of recency bias, but Spoing really might be one of the cutest Mario enemies ever! We all know, we all love, the eyes-in-a-void face! And on a BUG? Yowza! I've seen that kind of face on crabs and sometimes bagworms (I think?) but I'm not sure I've seen it on any other arthropod, and ESPECIALLY not a spider. I don't know how Spoing would hunt. Would it just shove prey into the eye void? Is it also a mouth? That would be pretty awesome.

You know, their faces make them look kind of like funny astronauts... and they only have four limbs, not eight. Are these truly spiders? Were they once human, until something unspeakable happened? And will it happen to me someday? I hope so!

Spoings mainly appear in Space Junk Galaxy, which I think we on the Weird Mario Enemies Office Pizza Party Email Chain all agree is a really great galaxy, with impeccable vibes. It's space at some of its most lonely, as opposed to spectacle, and I REALLY appreciate the presence of spiders here. Spiders and their webs are always used to visually communicate the idea of a place or object being unused, abandoned. And this galaxy is just a bunch of forgotten debris, not inhabited by any sapient civilization! If moths are the mascot of empty wallets, spiders are the mascots of forgotten attics! Spoings to not seem to make webs, which, yeah, actively hunting spiders do not! But they might make Sling Pods. And Sling Pod Galaxy is... well, I don't want to use this post to criticize a galaxy that precious spiders may have had a part in designing. So I will move on to...

Name: Spangler

Debut: Super Mario Galaxy

Spoing's got an evolutionary relative, and rather than being a spider boing, this is a spider dangler! It at first looks like a recolor of Spoing, but it actually lacks the fuzziness of Spoing's abdomen, and it DOES have a big ol' spinneret, which it is always using to dangle on a silk thread! One big one, like a really long string cheese. These ones debut in Ghostly Galaxy, indicating that they are spookier than the more generalized Spoings. Is it the silk? Is silk Spooky? It is what ends up encasing the spider's prey... like a MUMMY! Maybe I'm on to something here!

I really like Spoing and Spangler, and that both exist! It may be sort of the same design for two different enemy behaviors, but they're both behaviors that make sense for the design, and it's a design I always love to see. It's like they're closely related species! Maybe a population of Spanglers was separated from the others and ended up in the more barren Space Junk Galaxy, where there was not nearly as much infrastructure to dangle from, and where only active hunting was a viable strategy. And over time, Spoings evolved from this population! Actually, maybe they even use the Sling Pods for hunting, when we're not looking, launching themselves at unsuspecting prey...

And just to make sure we're not appreciating fictional creatures over real ones too much, I should tell you that there is, indeed, a spider that slingshots itself at prey using its web. Sometimes reality is stranger than fiction. And it's often a spider's fault! The variety of ways in which different species use their silk is honestly one of the most incredible things in all of nature!

[budbuddnbuddy]

5 weird things that you’ve eaten in the Devildom.

A/n: i thought about what foods MC might’ve eaten in the Devildom since I don’t really see it on here going into depth for any other reason than smut. (no hate to those who do, I enjoy it too)

Warnings this post includes: Freaky demon food, demon body parts , MC pulls a William Buckland ( look up what he did to a king of France), spiders with muscles, just a bunch of dumb weird shit, Mc also wears a suit, in Diavolos section, nothing super romantic happens but you can think of it as both,

5# Devil Spider Crab Sushi Roll

When Leviathan heard that you liked sushi he immediately got all giddy and excited. He was the first one out of all his brothers to try it and the first one to introduce it to the rest of them.

“Really? Leviathan being the one to introduce people to new things?” You smiled as he blushed and looked away from you, the idea of it was so rare that you couldn’t help but be an asshole about it.

“Hey! I’m a shut in not a gatekeeper! Now are you gonna try it or not?!” He practically shoved the wooden chopsticks into your chest and you took a minute to glance down at the odd looking sushi that was still trapped in it’s container.

It was wrapped in the same way regular sushi would be wrapped. Rice,seaweed, more rice. It was just the main ingredient that made you hesitant.

3 gigantic spiders legs poking out through the middle of all 7 pieces of sushi.

If Levi hadn’t told you that those were spider legs you probably would’ve thought they were crab legs that’s how red they were,but that was just the meat of the Devil Spider Crab, the fact that they were big enough to muscle and bone in their legs made you want to almost throw up.

Using your chopsticks you pluck one of the sticky pieces of sushi out of the container and raise it to your face. Sniff sniff. “Doesn’t smell like anything weird…” That’s always a good sign right? You almost place the sushi in your mouth until-

“WAIT!!!”

You tilted your head as Levi set down small bowl of bubbling hot blue sauce. Sniff Sniff. It had a strong sweet smell, but you don’t remember seeing anything similar to this in the store where you guys bought the sushi in…

“uhh….this kind of Sushi can be kinda dry….s-s-so I made some dipping sauce for you!!! I didn’t even have to alter it because all the ingredients are totally human friendly!” You couldn’t help but smile at Leviathan’s thoughtful. He really went out of his way to make sure everything could be enjoyed safely huh?

Taking up your chopsticks with the piece of sushi in its clutches you dunk it in the still bubbling sweet blue sauce, blow on it in an attempt to cool it off, before giving up and just shoving the entire thing in your mouth.

Crunch!

Leviathan watches it all with intensity, watching as you crunch of the legs of the spider, shoving the legs that poke out into your mouth before swallowing it all.

“S-so….what do you think?”

Placing a finger to your chin and staring at the floor with a hardened gaze while attempting to put the flavors together.

“Hmm…..tastes like honey barbecue chicken.”

Not really the reaction he was looking for but hey, at least you liked the sauce!

4# Hellfire Zombie Body Ramen LIMITED EDITION FLAVOR

“Holly shit! MC! Come check this out!” It was about two in the morning. You and Mammon were at a gas station a few blocks down from the HOL. It was an obviously a bad idea to be out so late on a school night but honestly when did you ever go through with your refusals to Mammon anyway?

You shuffle over to where Mammon was excitedly pointing at, a flavor of his favorite brand of ramen came into view, one that you never seen before…

“Is that a new flavor? I’ve never seen that in the grocery store we go to…” You squint your eyes at the green packaging. ‘Hellfire Zombie Body Ramen: LIMITED EDITION!!! SPICE: XXXX’ There was even a picture of a Zombie on the front.

“Thought they stopped sellin’ these but the gas station has been loaded wit em all this time! Ain’t that right Belial?”

The Demon cashier slowly blinked as you glanced down at his name tag, sure enough it said “Belial.”

“…yes.” Man if there was one thing that the Devildom and the human world had in common it would probably be their retail workers hate for their jobs.

After about twenty ish minutes, the two of you snuck your way into the kitchen to prepare for your midnight snack. Once it was finished, you had a styrofoam cup filled with the ramen that you had recently bought.

“Tada! Enjoy!” You take a look at the ramen for the first time. The noodles were a dark bloody red to represent intestines, a few specks of brain and some teeth were scattered around in the broth, finally when you poked the noodles around to inspect some more you saw a big yellow eyeball hidden in the noodles, something that you promptly handed over to Mammon’s cup.

“Hmm…” After some poking prodding, you finally take your fork and twist it around some of the noodles. Raising the steaming red strings of intestines to your nose to give it a sniff. Sniff sniff….ugh gross and smells slightly….burnt?

Whatever, you thought while deciding to just bite the bullet and take a chomp full of the zombie ramen…before spitting it back into the cup again.

COUGH COUGH HACK! “Oi! D-don’t go dying on me!” Mammon practically teleports to your side and rubs your back as you cough up a storm.

Cough! “…It’s-“ hack! cough! “burnt AND sour!” Pushing away the cup, you grab the glass of water Mammon offers to you with a guilty, shameful look in his face.

“…I might’ve been on my phone for a little too long while those were in the microwave….heh” HE PUT THEM BOTH IN AT THE SAME TIME? “a-and it was super rotten flesh flavor! S-so the sour part ain’t my fault!”

Mammon then grabs his cup and takes a fork full before taking a big bite out of his own ramen….before spitting it back into the cup as well…

“Eugh…that DOES taste like ass…”

3# SUPER CUTE KITTY MEW MEW PUDDING

You and Satan stared down in awe at the plate that was set in front of you by your waitress.

“Your ‘Super Cute Kitty Mew Mew Pudding’ with extra ‘Cute Kitty Kitty Mew Mew sugar drizzle’….Lord Satan and….human master.” The waitress then grumbled about putting in her two week notice as more cats started surrounding your table.

“…It’s perfect”

“Marvelous….”

“A grace to this realm…”

“How could something ever be this glorious…?”

The two of you are, of course, talking about the giant massive portion of wiggling cat shaped pudding. It had everything on the head of a cat, two giantic ears, 8 whiskers, a big triangle nose and two adorable big eyes-

“Mew!”

and it was alive.

The two of you spent hours cooing and gushing over the Kitty pudding. Feeding it mapple syrup and sugar packs while one of the chefs goes on a tirade about how he’s ’Sick of his job.’ and ‘refuses to make another damn cat pudding for grown ass people.’ Oh yeah that’s right, about a good 70% of the people surrounding you had their own cute cat pudding and were happily munching away at it.

But not you and Satan no no no.

…Well, at least not yet. You had to get attached first!

So about 30 minutes before closing, you can Satan scooped up a massive ear of the kitty pudding and tap the ends of your spoons together.

Click!

“Cheers to cat cafes?” He smiled as you smiled warmly right back at him, glad that you approved of his new use of human lingo.

“To cat cafes!”

The pudding itself wasnt particularly all that special, but it wasn’t about the taste it was about the effect. Once you chewed the pudding into little bits the kitty just multiplied into even more tiny kitties, now your mouth was filled with meowing tiny kittens!

“This is heaven…”

“Indeed”

2# RAD CAFETERIA FOOD.

Quietly standing on the lunch line you watch as the goblin women in front of you, green skin, red lipstick, with a cigarette in her mouth, scoop up a large amount of dark purple slop and raise it up towards you slightly.

“Move ova ya tray.” She says bluntly in a deep raspy voice probably due to all the smoking she’s done. You do as you are told, shakily holding out your tray as she plopped the mush of dark purple slop right down in the biggest section of your tray.

“T-thank you ma’am…” Her face lights up for a second after you give your gratitude, before she slams down another big portion of purple bullshit on your tray again…mostly likely a reaction from your manners. Seems like the staff here aren’t exactly used to that…

You take a seat next to Beelzebub after paying for your food, by the looks of it he was on his 7th tray, staring intensely at it.

Munch Munch Chew “You gonna-“ gulp “finish that?” Guess the uncertainty on your face was too obvious.

“The lunch lady on line 9 gave me extra…I’m not sure if i should eat it but I don’t wanna be rude…” You continue to stare at your plate while looking back at the goblin lady who was still serving a very long line of hungry RAD students.

“You mean Ms.Pruin?” Beel questions as he slides over his next plate. “She’s the best cook in RAD, her food is really good. You should give it a try.”

You look over at the goblin lady, now Ms.Pruin, once again, still working tirelessly serving hungry students but every now and then glancing over at your direction with a hopeful look in her eye.

Well…if Beel says it’s the best, it’s gotta at least be somewhat okay, right. With that you take your spoon and scoop up a portion of the purple slop and stick it right into your mouth.

Munch munch munch

You brace yourself for a wave of overwhelming foreign flavors, something nasty, something that would numb your tongue right out your mouth, something-

Huh?

“Wait…there’s no flavor!” You stared at your spoon in confusion before taking some more bites out of the slop. Nothing.

“Really? Let me see.” Beel takes your spoon from you and pops a large portion into his mouth, munching on it carefully before swallowing it all down before putting a finger to his chin…then his face lights up.

“The original recipe has an ingredient that’s deadly to humans, angels, and even some demons. She must have taken it out and given you a modified version of the dish.”

You smiled wildly to yourself before gobbling up the rest of your tasteless lunch with glee and from that day, you made sure to always get your lunch from Line 9.

1# Demon Heart.

You sat from across Diavolo at the table outside in the large gazebo in the middle of the pond. Glistening clear water so still surrounds the two of you. Schools of fish circling around you constantly, the trees droop down and sway with the wind, flowers of all different colors are scattered all around the two of you. Just the two of you.

You unconditionally straightened your tie as Diavolo stares at you, elbows set down right on the edge of the edge, resting his chin on the back of his hands, staring. Deeply and lovingly.

“I cannot express enough to you enough how happy I am that you accepted my invitation.” You sigh, glad that he was the one to break the tense silence.

“No problem Lord Diavolo, I mean I don’t think anyone would turn down the opportunity to come to a place like this. It’s gorgeous.” You look around some more, taking in all the details as you were sure that you wouldn’t be coming back here anytime soon.

“I’m sure after that long day at RAD as well as that car ride, that you must be starving yes?” You nodded, Diavolo has asked you not to eat lunch after you agreed to his invite.

“I’m glad. I have a surprise for you.” As soon as he said that, Barbatos as well as some other staff members of the Demon Kings Castle, two hidden dishes are set in front of you both. His is revealed while yours stays in front of you. Some fancy looking meat and strange looking vegetables on the side, drizzled over the meat was bright blue sauce.

“The food looks amazing.” It looked like something you’d see in a five Michelin star restaurant, the fact that he got to eat things like that every single day whenever he wanted was a concept that you were still struggling to comprehend, even after all the time you’ve known him.

“Yours is something much grander. I promise.” With those words, he moves over your plates and take your hands into his own. Looking at you with full sincerity.

“MC…by now you know of my dream for all three realms, peace, equality, and prosperity for all.” You watch as frowns in shame after he spoke.

“However…give our past with eating humans in various ways, myself included,I feel as if that it would be right to set things even. An eye for an eye.”

You squint at him, what was he saying? Did he mean what you really think he means? There’s….there’s no way he actually….

Before you could even form another thought the your dinner plate was revealed, and you could stop your head from looking down.

“…huh?”

A big, brownish, reddish, demon heart laid in the middle of your plate, right in front of you, cleaned and prepared for your consumption.

He was literally letting you eat his heart to atone for his past.

“You don’t have to eat it, I would never force you to do something. However do know that I have more where that came from, I’m sure it’ll grow back eventually.” While you only really heard bits and pieces of that due to the fact that you were still in shock, you got the message.

“….MC?” Finally you relaxed your shoulders and calmed down, before a smile came on your face as you looked at Diavolo.

“I’ve eaten many strange things before in this world. But I’ve never eaten the heart of a future demon king before.”

And before he could get another world in, you sliced up the heart and gobbled it all up, bite by bite by bite. It tasted like human world meat….which kind, you weren’t exactly sure,more like all of them at once but you were sure about one thing.

“How does it taste?”

You grin widely.

“Tastes like home.”

[basilpaste]

i had a whole big idea for this, but im afraid im not terribly good at comics! or drawing fast!!! but its isas birthday!!! happy birthday!!

(the gifts are under the cut! written out!)

"Thank you! But, oh Change, you really didn't have to get little ol' me anything, ehe!"

"Nonsense, Isabeau." Odile huffs fondly. "You're part of our little team, after all. Did you think we'd forget?"

Maybe a little? You don't even entirely remember telling them about your birthday! From the look on Mira's face, though, you must have told her. It seems like she orchestrated the whole thing.

She claps her hands together cheerfully, "So! Who wants to go first!"

Bonnie waves their hands wildly, hopping up and down. "Oh!! Oh me! I want to give Za my gift!!!"

Heh! It doesn't seem like anyone's willing to fight them on it. After a moment of silence, they cheer, rushing off to heft up a small gift bag. They hurtle back towards you and present the bag dramatically.

You gingerly take the bag from them and pull it open. Inside is a-

"WAUGH?" You yelp, dropping it!

The bag falls on its side, sending the contents tumbling out. A spider?! A spider!

A... spider-shaped pin cushion.

Oh.

Bonnie lets out a long hard laugh, pointing at you, "Hahah!!! You thought it was a real spider!! Spiders don't get that big, dummy!"

"You'd be surprised," Sif speaks up, batting their lashes oh-so innocently.

You shiver. Bonnie also shivers.

"Thank you Bonbon for the pin cushion." You say, grabbing it off the ground.

... Stabbing a spider-shaped thing might feel kinda nice, actually. It was obviously a prank gift, but you'll still get plenty of use out of it!

Bonnie grins at you brightly.

Odile steps up next, bowing her head to you. She passes you a neatly wrapped box. You carefully remove the paper (its pretty!) and unfold the box.

Oh! A book!

Colour Me Curious: A History Of Colour Theory.

"Back in Dormont's House," she glances back at Sif when she says the word Dormont, you pretend you don't see, "you mentioned having an interest in colour theory. A librarian a few towns back recommended this to me. I figured you might enjoy it."

You nod rapidly. Oh!! You're surprised you haven't looked into it yet! You're not sure how you forgot! Especially considering the weird shade - colour - you all have seen! With your eyes!

"Thank you, m'dame!!" You say, trying to be mindful of your volume.

She smiles, "Of course. I'd like to hear what you take from it."

"Of course!!"

"Okay! Okay, um... me next!" Mira pulls two boxes from her dress pocket (?????) and holds them anxiously, "I shouldn't have gotten two! I don't want to overshadow anyone else! But! I think you'd like these both! So! So. I got them both! Happy birthday, Isabeau!!"

You scoop them from her arms, "I don't think anyone is worried about you overshadowing them, Mira!"

The rest of your friends hum in agreement.

"Okay."

A beat.

"Start with the smaller one!"

The smaller one turns out to be a light novel of some sort. Oh! She's talked about this one before!! How she thought you'd like it because it's super cute! You thank her and place it softly on top of Odile's gift before turning your attention to the larger box.

This is...

"Oh?" You squeak, feeling a little choked up.

"Oh?" Mira echoes, "Oh no! Do you- do you not like it?"

You grab the gift from its box, running your hand along the grain. Oh no! You might cry! Oh Change!

"Mira!! Mira this is so expensive? This is so much?" You feel unworthy to even hold it.

This is like... three meters of silk?? It's dyed such a rich lightless shade? That's unbelievably expensive!! It's beautiful and so well made that you're not sure what to do with yourself. Oh crab.

"It wasn't so bad, really!!" She yelps, worry clouding her expression.

You very softly (very, very carefully) tuck the silk back into its gift box. Then you throw yourself at Mira, sweeping her up into a tight hug. She cries out, clinging to you. And then bursts into a fit of giggles.

"Thank you thank you thank you???"

"Waaa!!" She laughs, "I'm glad you like it!!!"

"I know I know lightless isn't really your shade but you HAVE to let me make you a bow with this, Mira!!"

"Ah!! If you want to!!"

"I Do!!"

"Okay!"

You pull away from the hug, glancing back at the silk. You feel your chest swell with joy!! Oh Change!! This is so much stuff! And you're still not done!

Sif looks... a little bit nervous. They shift the box they're holding in their hands and shuffle up to you. After a moment of hesitation, he holds it out.

"... Happy birthday, Isa."

You take the box with care. It's small, but heavier than you're expecting. There's a bow on top that Bonbon snatches after you take it off. All of these gifts have been a surprise! But you're really not sure what Sif got you!

You open the box.

A piece of lightless fabric sits under the lid. It's embroidered! Not perfect or flawless, but done with care. Darkless spots are scattered on its surface and in big capital letters, it reads "You're A Star!"

Oh!! You get this joke, now! It used to only make sense to Sif but you know now!! Your chest feels light. You laugh.

"There's more." They say quietly.

You nod, gingerly removing the embroidery and setting it to the side. It reveals... a wood carving!! You pull the carving from the box, turning it over in your hands. This is you!!! It's a carving of you!!

How did you not notice him working on it??

"Sif!!" You gasp, "Sif it's perfect!!!"

"O-Oh?"

"This is beautiful!!! You made this? And the patch??"

He looks away, hiding his face in his cloak, "Um... yeah."

"I love them!" You grin so wide it hurts your face, "I love you! All of you!! This is all so... ah!! I need to start thinking about gifts for your birthdays, now!!"

"How about we finish celebrating yours first?" M'dame hums.

You feel light as a feather. You love your friends - your family - more than you can say.

[lunamochii]

ageup!Lo’ak&Neteyam x fem!human reader

Their first time seeing you in a bikini, obviously they were taken back. Seeing you without you usual clothes, seeing your skin. It made them feel something. Throughout their life they are surrounded by omatikaya women but you… you’re different.

content warning; just a little intimate moment, implied threesome.

Lo’ak told you that at the end of the forest there’s a ocean. He knows you love the sea, you always mention it. Him and his brother always listen to your rambling that the river isn’t enough for you

“Who do you want to ride with?”

Neteyam ask as he form tsaheylu with his ikran, he heard Lo’ak scoff

“Obviously me, right ma Y/N?”

The older one rolled his eyes and they turn to look at you who is still checking your bag, Lo’ak instructed his ikran to nudge you to get your attention

“Oh! Sorry guys, Just making sure I bring the exact clothes I’ll be wearing! Can I ride with you Lo’ak?”

The younger one smirk and cheered sticking his tongue out towards his brother. Neteyam just scoff ignoring his brother. Lo’ak help you get on, placing his big hand against your stomach as the three of you took off

The moment you got off, you ran through the sand if not for the mask you’re wearing, you would have love to feel the sea water on your face. You were full of envy when Spider, your so called brother, told you that he once went to the ocean with Lo’ak knowing you’ve always loves to see it. It was introduced to you when Max was teaching about you things, not your fault for growing up here in Pandora. Well, the story Norm told you about ‘Earth’ and how that’s where you and Spider supposed to live, you didn’t really like the thought of it. You love it here, more peaceful and everything never fail to amaze you.

Plus you have Lo’ak and Neteyam. What’s there to ask for more?

“Hey! You two turn around! I’m gonna go change”

“Please, we are used to seeing women now”

Lo’ak reasoned but you just raised your eyebrows at him, you smirk and started unbuttoning your polo. You stare at the two of them and they were looking at you intently

“If stares could kill, I will be laying dead now.”

“Tsk. Just get it done”

Lo’ak responded and went to sit on a rock as he averted his gaze to the sand. Watching little crabs crawl. As for Neteyam, his eyes never left you. He watch you as you took off your polo and revealing a black cloth, good enough to cover your chest and then his eyes followed your hands when you took off your shorts, his eyes went back up and saw you now only wearing a black underwear

“W-What are you wearing?” He manage to blurt out

“Hm? This is called bikini! I found it from Norm’s magazine! I decided to make this since it will be easier to swim in these”

After putting your clothes on your back, you moved the little box which helped you breath through your mask. You jog up towards Lo’ak and put your hands on his lap and he immediately look at you. His jaw dropping

“Do you like it?! I know you like it!”

You beam and Lo’ak rolled his eyes as he lifted you up effortlessly and settling you on his lap, you blush feeling how your bodies are close together

“You look sexy, wouldn’t want anyone see you in this. This is for our eyes only.”

Lo’ak whispered on your ear and kiss you on your neck, you felt other hand wrapping around your waist and place a kiss on your shoulder

“Yeah, your too pretty and sexy to be seen by them.”

You almost let out a moan when Neteyam suck on your skin. If you let this go on, you will end up on their own pace again!

“Guys! Please! Can we enjoy the ocean first? Isn’t that why we went here?”

Lo’ak and Neteyam look at each other and bursted to laughter as Neteyam hoisted you up and place you on his shoulders, your legs dangling at each side of his shoulders. He scream before running towards the water with Lo’ak following behind and laughing

Well, they have to let you have this day to you. You were practically worshiping their cock days ago, begging that they would take you here and who are they to deny their woman’s needs? A good girl like you deserves a good reward.

[crow-n-tell]

I had a lot of trouble with this lil guy. Weird lil music men aren't easy to shift over when their body's are so... Weird. Still, here! Hermit Crab Music Men!

If you wanna see what went on in my mind for this come right this way...

So a lil info about these boys! These lil music men have adapted to live in the safe shallows, as well as some undersea areas if need be - having two different palettes which match... you've probably guessed by the additions of orange in the music mans usual pastels

Acid mushrooms! I realized as I was trying to get it all sorted that they are a nearly identical color scheme so it worked out that their colors are a little wacky. Not that real life crabs aren't a bit audacious in their colorings too. Actually the deep sea version of this guy is based off a purple crab called the Palawan Purple Crab who comes from the Philippines.

Their colors are more so for other crabs of their species to recognize them, or so I've read, but in this particular scenario it suits our lil music man as a sort of camouflage too.

Aside from it being a sort of camouflage, it also gives you insight into these lil guys diet. Most of what (I really need to come up with a name for these guys, but all I keep thinking of is crab rangboom. like crab rangoon? but a sound pun.) they eat are poisonous, which has directly affected how predators view them. Yea see, there are certain families of crabs which are toxic only because they are eating things that should not be eaten.

So music men don't have a lot of predators, other than those who have natural immunities to things like that... ahem, moon.

I imagine that the crabs closer to the surface tend to a little smaller than knee high for an average height human, where as deeper sea versions of them are a lot bigger... Like... I DONT KNOW, Leviathan big? After all these are just lil guys, lets not forget about the big music man!

Next topic is... oh yeah!

Seismic communication is basically communication through vibrations. Not just through the water, actually it's used by spiders which we can all sort of agree is what the OG music boys are. Spiders use seismic communication when it comes to their webs in particular, able to sense through vibrations in their web if they've captured prey.

Similarly a lot of sea creatures use vibrations as means of communication. Not only in the way spiders do, but sensing out prey; but by avoiding predators or talking to each other. Crabs in particular use all three, but in terms of communication to one another its been noted they will rub their legs together like crickets to talk to other crabs.

For our lil crabby boys, their claws are fashioned sort of like the the original music man has. Hollowed out in the center, they are able to click their lil crab claws together to make sounds and vibrations which distress and confuse their prey long enough to snatch em up and eat em.

Of course they also have the very on brand to SB behavior of just being a literal face hugger if they come out of the shell.

m...mmmmm..... no... noo....ooo.......

I guess the only thing left to mention is his lil

Barnacles!

I struggled with how i'd give this lil guy a top hat. Then. I remember how WEIRD barnacles are. You see a lot of barnacles that look a lil something like this:

But they come in many variations!

And I hate all of them! they are great for designs, helpful in this case, but I get nauseous when looking at them and I can't even begin to understand why.

Sorry if my adhd really popped out on this one, I am actually holding back some of the mostly irrelevant information about colors and uh, other stuff.

[adobe-outdesign]

Have you reviewed nimmos by any chance? They arent my favourite pet but i do think my dislike of them comes from how theyre posed rather than their actual design

We actually have two different frog Neopets, but I will say they're pretty different from each other. While Quiggles are inherently silly guys and very short, Nimmos are tall and considerably less silly. In contrast, hey have a sort of meditative guru vibe to them, which is sort of evident in the pose with the hands and the stance.

In terms of the design, I like them overall. The wide mouth makes for a fun kind of :3 expression, and the body has a pretty distinct shape to it that makes it so they're not too much like a real frog. I could kind of take or leave the underbelly—I don't mind it, but they're thin enough that it doesn't feel like it's needed to break up the space, and it feels like it should go under the mouth as well or something.

I also agree that the posing of these guys is a little weird, as they're stuck in like a weird sideways slav squat. I like the idea of them having long frog legs in contrast with the Quiggle, but the problem is that the knees of the legs go to the side instead of the front, when in reality they should be facing forward like at least 20% more and the top part should be more horizontal to the body. The butt being above the ground rather than on it also doesn't help anything. Oddly, there also aren't many options that let you break from this pose—even colors like Faerie maintain the same off putting leg structure.

Nimmos have mostly stayed the same after customization and arguably improved, with minor fixes like adjusting the feet so they're actually at the right perspective relative to the body.

Favorite Colours:

Baby: First off, having the baby Nimmo just be a tadpole is a great concept, and secondly, it's pretty cute as well. The face is just similar enough for it to still look like a Nimmo, and the dark spots on the body provide nice contrast with the more teal-ish colored tail. There's both a converted and UC/styled version, though this is a rare instance where the converted is way better—the pose is more lively, the pupils are larger so it looks less dead-eyed, and the shading has been improved.

Toy: The toy Nimmo is actually based on the IRL Sand Critters frog plush, but even if you didn't recognize it off the bat, it's still a great design all around. The green and orange striping makes for a nice palette, the subtle spotting adds a nice texture, and the red eyes pop. Also, this kind of highlights what I was talking about earlier with the underbelly—it looks a lot more natural extended up onto the jaw.

Wraith: The wraith Nimmo is not the best wraith pet or anything—the swirls are very arbitrarily placed over the body instead of contouring and playing with the body's actual shapes, and the bulk of the swirls are a bit too low-contrast. However, the big thing here is the lovingly detailed face... on the stomach, with a regular face to match. I have no idea why it's like this because no other Wraith pet does this, but damn if it doesn't look cool as hell, and more than makes up for the lack of flow in the rest of the body. I also really like the neat swirly pupils they used here.

BONUS: The Maraquan Nimmo is both one of the worst and yet also one of the best Maraquan pets, and I absolutely hate and love it. Why is it a spider crab? Why does it just look like a normal crab with a Nimmo's face? Who cares. 10/10 get this thing out of my house

[cult-bull]

Bishops and what they once were - Thoughts

Ive been looking through the cult of the lamb fandom wiki a bit while trying to come up with designs for the Fear AU, and looking at some ofthe speculations there of what the bishops are, I kept thinking about who I think from the basic enemy types around what the bishops could have been before the found the crowns.

Main one who started this rabbit hole was Leshy. A worm through and through, some type of bag worm. Because he mentions burrowing through the ground, the wiki read he could be one of the burrowing enemies like the spit or spike worm. But like, tbh, I think its basically 100% canon/confirmed he used to be a type of chaser worm.

These lil guys

In his boss fight he spawns them everywhere, he has the wood horns, the green bushy exterior, and in his big boss form, he has the same red eyes in the dark middle

Like this is not a theory or anything, i think this is just a fact right?

So, I might as well just look around and see what the other bishops could be.

Heket is also ridiculously easy I think. A big red hopping frog with wood sticking out of her back. She was formerly a type of hopper.

The color fits, the stuff sticking out of the back fits. The sharp fangs fit, the nose fits. This frog is a frog your honor! She also summons them in her fight after all, even as a short mini boss section.

Now Kallamar? Kallamar is where it gets more complicated.

Kallamar is a giant squid in game. He has ears, a pointy head, and many tentacles.

However, none of his areas appearing enemies, nor the main tick/leech/crab like enemies he summons really fit him appearance wise like how leshy and heket basically had something one to one.

We do have these guys, but aside from switching between being described as octopi or jellyfish, they dont really fit like a nail to a coffin like our previous ones.

However, there is 1 non enemy being that fits Kallamar way, way more, interestingly enough.

The literal small squid you can fish up in game.

With how much of a scaredy cat Kallamar is in canon, maybe him being the one bishop not from a more fight capable species might explain some things.

Shamura is marginally easier again. While actively a mix of various spider enemies you can face in Silk cradle, they most similarly fuse traits of blue and red spiders found there.

Blue for the purple coloration stretching out into the body and the fluffiness on the backside, red for Shamura's red hint and the stinger stuck to their backside. Being either pre crown seems highly plausible.

While technically not a bishop, I could speculate about Narinder and if he, Baal, Aym and their mum are truly just "normal cats", but thats more of a post for another time.

I do like though how you can find various beings in game that you can realistically tie back to what the bishops could have once been. At least I like to ramble about it.

[silent-raven13]

I'm Hobie Brown and...

Every so often when a new group of Spider-heroes come in, some of the original Spider-heroes would introduce themselves. One who is always the loudest one to start off the controversy with Miguel O'Hara.

"This wanker had the whole Spider Society chasing after a fifteen year old boy about four or five years ago!" Hobie spoke to the new comers, "And he's still running this place."

"Wait, a 15 year old boy?" A new Spider-woman with a West African pattern designs around her suit asked being confused at the leader of the organization.

"Brown!" Miguel pinched the bridge of his nose, "How many times do I have to tell you to stop bringing that up?"

"Not until, this place goes down under, mate! We as a Spider-people shouldn't have to follow rules, and order!" The punker swing from one part of the office to another. "We are to break the system, not follow who does this and that!"

"Ohhh!" The young Spider-heroes awed, some even taking notes.

Miguel shake his head with his eyes widen, "Wait, wait, don't write that. What are you guys doing? Don't listen to him! Este pinche cabrón!" Already giving up from Hobie's annoying introduction.

Miles came into the office holding bags of lunch, while sipping his slushy. He didn't have his mask on, "Whoa, looks like he already got the new comers into him, huh tio?"

"Morales? What are you doing here?" Miguel looks over to find the nineteen year old standing by the platform.

"I brought lunch for Gwen and Pav!" Miles holds one of the bags up in the air. "Where are they?"

"Over here!" Gwen uses her web to get the bag and pulled up to the ceiling. Miguel and Miles looks over to find them sitting at one of the edges talking.

"When did you guys come in?" Miguel asked out loud, "This room isn't for hanging out! It's a place of business, to group and prepare for missions! Ay, DIOS ayúdame!"

"Yeah. Yeah. Yeah! A place of "business"." Pav rolled his eyes under his mask with air quoting, "We get it, Miguel! This place is our new favorite spot, now!"

Gwen laughs along Pav, "Yeah, dude. We like the vibe here. Ohhh, they gave us extra Crab Rangoons!" She peaked in the bag to find extra items, "Yum! I was so craving for Chinese food!" The two walks over to one of the bulky vertical walls to sit and eat in peace.

"And I don't believe in ruthless dictatorships under this organization!" Hobie's voice rings their ears.

Miles could only laugh at his boyfriend's long rants against the hierarchy and government. Miguel placed his hands on his hips with his head down, "Miles go get your novio before I pop a blood vessel."

"Come on, tio. You know, he does this all the time. You should get use to it." He giggles hearing his boyfriend's voice, his lips part away from his plushie, "See, almost done."

"Morales." A warning from the Big Boss.

"Okay. Okay." Miles turns toward the group and said out loud, "Mi amor, I brought lunch!"

"And that's my cue to leave, mates! I hope you all learn about the conspiracies of this place!" Hobie got up on one of the tables and swing over to his boyfriend. "Hello, luv!" He took off his mask to give Miles a big kiss on the cheek, "You got our food."

"Yup, Indian today! I got the curry you like with some garlic naan." His boyfriend happily said.

Pav said, "It better be authentic Indian!"

"In this cafeteria? How?" Gwen snorted at him.

"Huh, true! Nevermind!" Pav shouted out loud.

Gwen leans over at Pav without her mask on, "Hey, you know what will be funny?"

"Ohh, what?" Her friend leans in to listen her whispers. "Ohhh, that's a good one!"

The wavy haired Spider-man spoke out, "Hey Hobie! Did you even started your intro? You forgot to mention you don't like the AM or the PM!"

"A la puta madre! NO! Don't you start, Brown!" Miguel was about to give his own explanation about their caused.

"I almost forgot." Hobie grins widely loving making Miguel pissed off.

"Bae, we're supposed to have lunch together." Miles pouts having to sway side to side to at least help his boss from his boyfriend's long rants.

"I will. Enjoy with Gwen and Pav, Sunflower!"

"Miles, come up here!" Gwen quickly said having her hand gesturing him to come up to where they are sitting.

Miles climbs up giving an apologetic look towards Miguel. The older Spider-man could only sigh from frustration. The nineteen year old Spider-man sat next to his blond friend, "What's up?"

"You know, how Hobie likes to claim he doesn't believe in a lot of stuff... so I got this idea." She giggles.

"Huh oh." Miles grins, "What kind of thing your pulling?"

"Nothing. I swear, this will be fun!" Gwen leans over to whisper in Miles' ears.

"Ohhh, I see." He smiles widely.

Hobie stood on a table beginning his intro, "I'm Hobie Brown, when I’m not playing shows, antagonizing fascists, staging unpermitted political action slash performing art pieces. OR, having a laugh at the pub with the mandem. I'm not a role model, I was briefly a runway model. I hate the AM, I hate the PM, I hate labels!" He kicks off some items on the tables only to piss off Miguel more. "I'm not a hero, because calling yourself a hero makes you a self-mythologizing narcissistic autocrat! Like this gentlemen over there!" He eyes on the leader of Spider Society.

"Pinche pendejo!" Miguel mutters lowly, saw the new-comers were writing everything down, "Don't write that down!"

"So you don't believe in labels?" A Spider-man asked wearing a tobe with his own Middle Eastern designs.

Another one with a nerdy voice spoke up wearing a futuristic Cyber-Punk Spiderman outfit, "Yeah, you hate all labels!"

"I. Hate. All. LABELS."

"Really!" Gwen spoke up out loud, "All labels, mate?"

"All, Gwendy!"

"Even if I say if this is a chopsticks?" She holds her chopsticks

"Yup!" Hobie said proudly, "I can say those are forks! I don't believe in none. None what's so ever."

"Not even if I say the sky is blue!" Pav asked out loud.

"I can say it's Red!" Hobie said as a matter of fact, "All about being chaotic. Keep stirring the pot." He wasn't aware of his boyfriend standing next to him with his hands behind his back being adorable.

"Even if there's a police caution tape?" Gwen asked out loud.

"I'll rip the bloody thing off! No one can tell me what to do! I am Hobie Brown!" Hobie spoke up, "Not gonna let a pig tell me what to do or say!"

The new Spider-heroe 'Ooohhhed' and 'Ahhhed' at him seeing how inspiring he is to be his own Spider-man. That's something they need to work on. "No, don't listen to him. He's only saying this to start trouble." Miguel began.

"But that's what a dictator would say." A new-comer Spider-man said slowly, they all were eyeing him.

"I like this lad's way of thinking." The punker chuckles lowly seeing how annoyed and mad Miguel looks. When he turns around to go to eat with his friends, he blinks in surprised to find his boyfriend next to him, "Luv, what are you doing down here?"

"Bae..." Miles's lips twisted into a wide smirk, "You said you hate all labels."

"Yes, luv. You know this."

"But," He cutely pouts with his bottom lip popping out a bit more, "that means you don't believe in us. So we're not in a relationship?" Having fake tears! "You think of us as nothing?"

The new-comers all went, "Ohhhh."

"No! No, luv! I never meant it that way." Hobie said out loud with worried going over to hug him.

"But-but..." Miles frowns, "That means you don't like it when I called you baby or mi amor?"

"No, I do! I believe in whatever YOU SAY, luv." Hobie said having to comfort his boyfriend.

"Really? So if I say the sky is Green?" Miles asked innocently.

"The sky is green!"

Miguel rolled his eyes, "Oh brother..." He thought to himself.

"And if I say we're in a relationship?"

"We are in a relationship, Sunflower!" Hobie picks up his boyfriend in bridal style, "Only my darling Sunflower words matter to me." He kisses Miles' cheek.

"So you do believe in labels?" One Spider-person said.

"Only what my Sunflower says! I'm Hobie Brown and I'm in a happy relationship with my boyfriend, Miles and the sky is green." He kisses his boyfriend on the lips. Miles giggles with that response while their friends laughs.

[stinkypeanutbutter]

silly headcanons pt 2‼️

here we go. . Yay

Whenever they go out, Ashlyn had to wear like a TON of sunscreen because she’s pale af (same)

Scratch what I said last time, Aiden actually likes spiders, but is scared of grasshoppers. Why? Because they keep jumping on him and towards him because they don’t mind their stupid business and are so big for no reason. Ashlyn agrees with this statement

Aiden is so scared of failing his parents, as they seem to have high expectations with him and he’s worried that whatever he does may not be good enough or doesn’t fit their criteria, even if his parents try and reassure him it’s fine to mess up something, referring to his past

Aiden and Taylor totally listen to vocaloid

Beach time? Ashlyn is hiding in the shade on her phone, occasionally going out to swim. . But goes back because the water is freakishly cold. Ben is making sand castles (with or without that little cousin I forgot her name) Logan is collecting shells and cool objects for the sand castle and observation purposes (nerd) Taylor and Tyler are splashing eachother and seeing who can swim faster (Tyler refuses to play but does anyway for her) And Aiden is catching sand crabs, swimming, and climbing the rocky areas to find creatures or lost items to show everyone else.

birthdays? Aiden buys the best gifts cause he rich and seems to know everyone the most because he’s intrusive. Ashlyn buys pretty good ones as well becuase of her hearing everything everywhere. Logan isn’t the best and struggles but pulls through well in the end. Ben makes his own birthday gifts from scratch like a pro!! Taylor and Tyler team up, and usually do well (especially with secret Santa)

Aiden never actually went trick or treating before (bozo) because of his constant traveling, so the most he could and would ever do is buy candy the night of and watch something alone. The buds got together for a day and all went trick or treating for Aidens sake and he loved it. (He scared many kids that day because he went as a clown lmao)

Aiden does graffiti art les go!!!! (Got in trouble once)

Aiden ALMOST went to jail, but it was just some old lady complaining about how he looked because he kept smiling at her and thought he was being cocky (he was)

Ben listens to metal (you just take a headphone from him and you hear screaming and a heavy instrumental 💀)

both Ashlyn and Ben also listen to orchestral music, Taylor occasionally because it appeases her mind.

Horror movies? Ben dos NOT like them, but watches for the others sake. Logan feels the same way, and covers his face anytime a jumpscare is coming up (fails each time, ends up seeing every jumpscare and screams, jumps into the arms of the nearest person) Ashlyn doesn’t get scared easily with them, but only when she can’t tell if one’s gonna happen or not. Tyler likes them, but doesn’t admit to being scared at times. Taylor and Aiden love them, actually talking about what parts they liked and what they could have done better on.

since people are doing these, here:

Bi Ashlyn, considers herself a girl, but also as nothing sometimes (idk the word)

Pan Aiden, doesn’t care who you are, just be able to tolerate him.

Tyler is a homophobic homosexual

Logan is bi, no major preferences.

Ben is a straight and ace

Taylor is ace and demi romantic

love how most people seemed to agree with Taylor and Ben being ace

Ashlyn and Taylor have girls nights sometimes, usually with Taylor taking a ton of photos and Ashlyn getting bombarded with questions from Aiden and Tyler (mostly Aiden)

TW!! SH

When it came to Aiden being a alone in his room and him moving around a lot, it was hard for him to feel anything besides loneliness, so he took to SH for a while, mostly on his upper thighs because he felt no one would see them as easily. Even now he starts it up again when he’s super upset and had really no way to get his frustration out, didn’t help with the constant mask he put up. He feels better, but every now and then his emotions slip and he starts it up again, going further without realizing. He wears a strong foundation to at least cover some of them up, but someone noticed. Who? That’s up for you to decide.

ok good bye thanks for reading!!11!! 😹🌝🤺

[sword-and-stars]

For all of our sakes, this list includes animals that are not strictly abyssal but just Very Deep Water In General. because reasons. Also because fuck you I do what I want.

9. Deep sea anglerfish

Listen, okay. This fish. This poor fucker. The deep sea anglerfish has a parasitic relationship with her man and eats everyone who gets to close to her. #staytoxic

8. Goblin shark

I hate this guy. Next.

7. Chimaera

This little guy is just happy to be included. Just a little guy. Just a little buddy!

6. Gulper eel

I love this fucker. He looks like a freaky shadow tadpole until you take a closer look and realize that his body is his whole mouth. He’s horrifying. 10/10.

5. Giant spider crabs

I don’t think I need to explain.

4. Vampire squid

There are few things better than a nontraditional cephalopod. The vampire squid is shaped like your favorite umbrella and is the only known cephalopod to be a scavenger over fresh food.

3. Giant isopod

This is the second best invertebrate in the deep sea and no I will not be taking criticism today. He’s huge. He scuttles. He’s basically a giant rolypoly that’s too big to give a fuck about fuck. 13/10

2. Dumbo octopus

Friend-shaped and the most most adorable fucker you’ve ever seen in your life.

1. Coelacanth

The coelacanth is not only the best fish on this list but in fact the best fish in existence. The coelacanth was thought he extinct until one was pulled up by chance off the coast of South Africa I wanna say. Coelacanths are part of the clade sarcopterygii, the lobe-finned fishes, which includes two types of fish currently alive today: coelacanths and lungfishes. In fact, tetrapods (critters with legs, ie amphibians, reptiles, and mammals) evolved from certain species of sarcopterygians and basically we learned a metric fuckton about how tetrapods evolved by studying coelacanths.

Also they stand on their heads to feed and it’s delightful.

12454825273/10 best fish, best sea critter, everyone else can go home.

[bioshook-wynand]

Since my friend and I are playing Bioshock 1, i wanted to share some of the things that have happened so far:

- We sat and watched the plane fully sink

- "OUGH?!" < her reaction to the giant Ryan statue

- Right off the bat she didn't trust Atlas and said his wife and child aren't real

- Every security bot is named Jeff

- The wrench is also Jeff(rey Bezos)

- We spent 30 minutes trying to get to Steinman because I forgot I has to throw the bombs at the debris blocking the entrance

- We went through 4 nitro splicers before I realized something wasn't right. I do this everytime. I literally replayed Bioshock like 2 weeks ago and forgot how to do that

- I've died more times in this playthrough than I ever have in Bioshock 1

- Keeps asking me if Atlas is evil, I keep telling her no and that he's my babygirl

- I've been spoon feeding her Atlas propaganda so hopefully she'll trust him by the end

- LOVES the little sisters, terrified of big daddys. She screamed the first time we had to fight one

- I tried to get the first bouncer stuck behind the register in the Medical Bay, but absolutely shredded him before I could

- The women were too stunned to speak

- We sat under the floor of the McCracken Crab trying to kill a Rosie. I died.

- I also hid under the floor of the Fisheries and smacked Splicers that walked overhead

- I got killed by a (different) Rosie like 5 times before I finally killed her

- Also ran from the third Rosie repeatedly before I finally killed him

- She chose target dummy for our first real plasmid

- I've only ever used it when losing control of the plasmids. So I've only used it once-

- Me: God I hate Andrew Ryan

Her: Bash his brains in

Me: *Hephaestus flashbacks* Oh I'm gonna

- Spider splicer: *angry screeching*

Me: New wife for you

Her: Great, thanks

- Hates it everytime I say "Snappies"

- I spent way too long looking for the final spider splicer before realizing I could take a picture of a dead one

- She did trust Peach Wilkins though (Somehow??)

- "I've got a really bad feeling about this" intensifies

- Yelled "THIS IS YOUR MAN⁉️" When Atlas walked out and almost missed Ryan's speech and the splicers bc of it

- Predicted the sub would blow up, but was shocked when it actually did

- I think she begrudgingly trusts Atlas now, his acting is peak

- I also went on a 2 minute rant about him and she made fun or me the entire time

- *finds a crawlspace full of Atlas posters*

Me: Oh my god, this is where I live!!

Her: NO

Me: With my Atlas posters and my.. Pistol bullets??

Her: N O !!

- #1 Langford stan (she's in love with her)

- Got jumpscared by the Houdini splicer that appears behind you (We both screamed)

- I was laughing bc his shadow was looming over us, then slowly turned around and we had a staring contest before I finally shot him in the face

- I've literally never seen him just sit there before?? He always disappeared as soon as I turned around. Wild

- She compared Langford writing the code on the window to 11307 from Danganronpa (iykyk)

- Cue disappointed sighing (Not really, I laughed really hard)

- This entire playthrough has just been me aggressively hitting on Atlas and her reevaluating our friendship

- Not even the posters are safe

- "Who is Atlas?"

Me: My husband

Her: UGH

- Saying "This is for me!!" every time I see an Atlas poster

- She is genuinely considering killing me

- Made me harvest a little sister to see what would happen 😔 We reloaded tho it's okay

- I've found so many secrets in this playthrough, including a vent that goes to a meat locker in the Farmers Market

- It felt like I was getting chased by everyone in Rapture while trying to make the Lazarus Vector

- I also (somehow) shot the big daddy in Langford's office while fighting splicers

- That was terrifying

- *Enters Fort Frolic* Me: It's about to get real silly

- I've been hyping up Cohen this entire time because I knew she would like him

- Unfortunately, she does

- She gagged at the "expectant mama" line

- Got jumpscared AGAIN by the splicer in the basement of Sinclair Spirits

- "SINCLAIR WHAT THE FUCK"

- I can never find the record store when I play Bioshock, this time was no different

- I gave up and went after Hector instead

- When we met Silas Cobb she yelled "KITTENS??"

- She agrees Silas is a discord mod

- We spent like 2 minutes straight trying to catch Hector and Silas

- I also got jumped by a bunch of splicers every time I tried to kill a bouncer

- She lost it at Cohen walking down the stairs

- "HIS GAY ASS WALK"

- I smacked Cohen after his speech and immediately ran

That's all so far, but we'll hopefully play some more this week!

[evolutionsvoid]

As I have gone on before, the coast can be just as dangerous as any murky bog or treacherous jungle, and that includes your pristine sunny beaches. I mean, it shouldn't be any surprise, seeing that the ocean is right there, and everyone accepts the fact that that is home to many a peril. But I guess when your only exposure to this specific biome is drawings on pamphlets from resorts or stories of romance set during a tropical vacation, people can get the wrong idea. Make no mistake, blood can and will spill on these sands. Being smart and observant of your surroundings is how you ensure it isn't yours. The beach is no sanctuary, it is just another ecosystem. Running to its shores can indeed protect you from aquatic predators, as we all know when someone yells "shark," but don't forget that not everything that lives in the ocean stays in it. Some things can live on both land and sea, and pursue through either of them. They can breathe water, they can breathe air. And one particular species can breathe something far more deadly...

If there is one name to worry most about when it comes to coastal regions, it should be this one: the Ushi-oni. Massive crustaceans that lurk between both worlds, spending its life in the depths and also on dry land. Identifying one will never be a problem, because when you see one emerging from the surface, your instincts will tell you to RUN. While I may not respond in this manner, I imagine many people tend to freak out when a huge black horned crab comes crawling out of the ocean. Appearance-wise, most people equate them to spiders, with a large abdomen and creepy crawly legs, but they are actually crustaceans. Though it looks like they only have six legs, they actually possess ten. The six spiked limbs are how they move, while another pair up front is modified into pincers. The last pair are reduced and in the back, used only for carrying eggs during the breeding season. While some see spider, others see a bull, and that is due to their large "horns." Ushi-oni possess impressive curved spikes upon their head, which when combined with their bulky size and black coloration, causes people to compare them to oxen. What purpose they serve, we can't really say. They can't really charge and gore people with them, as they don't move that fast. Rather, we believe that they prevent other giant beasts of the sea from chomping down on their heads. And perhaps it is used to advertise the individual's health and strength when it comes to finding a mate.

The big thing (ha) about Ushi-oni is their size. It is hard to give an average of what size they come in, as all ones encountered tend to vary quite a bit. There are some who, indeed, are as big as a full grown oxen. That size is seen a lot when one is found settled on the coast, but we know that this is not full grown. Rather, it appears these are the younger ones, who have recently matured and have come to land to try and set up a nest for the coming mating season. At other times, people have witnessed specimens as big as a hut, and these feel more like a full on adult. However, we believe that Ushi-oni do not stop growing once they reach a certain age, they just keep going. Stories tell of ones big as a house, emerging from the abyss and raining terror upon the coastal villages. Many are thankful that it appears that the older an Ushi-oni gets, the more time it spends in the deeper regions of the ocean. This is probably due to their fertility decreasing after passing their prime years, and thus don't come up as often to nest. This is good, because the rare instances where one of these ancient ones ascends to dry land usually result in a whole lot of death and destruction.

Typically, I am not one for fearmongering, or labeling species as "monsters." I will stick with that here, as I usually do, because the Ushi-oni is still an animal at the end of the day. However, I can clearly see the impacts they can have on the world around them, and there is no denying why they are feared. They are not "monsters," but they are very dangerous, so much so that I do my best to stay as far away as I can when it comes to observation. Ushi-oni are big, bulky and...powerful (Eucella, what is a word for "strong" that starts with b? I am blanking here). Their bodies are armored with thick plates of chitin, and beefy (aw dang it, that's the one) muscles power their limbs to make them deadly weapons. Their legs end in sharp points, which can totally skewer things they step on. That tends to be a favorite tactic of theirs when walking the shallows, using their limbs for a bit of spear fishing. Their front pincers may be small and mostly used to handle food for their monstrous maws, but do know they are very strong. They can tear you easily into nice little chunks, and a simple pinch can take off an arm. With such strength, and a shell that can ward off swords and arrows, you can see why they are a force to be reckoned with. But you haven't seen everything yet, because that isn't even their most deadly trait.

What makes Ushi-oni so feared and deadly is because their main weapon isn't brute strength (oh now I am busting out the strong b words) or their great mass: it is poison. Lots and lots of poison. Ushi-oni generate a toxic fluid in their bodies that they use for both offense and defense. From their maw and the vents running down their bodies can spew forth a terrible miasma. When under the sea, it mixes directly with the surrounding waters and turns a zone around it into pure death. When on land, it erupts from their bodies in plumes, releasing clouds of noxious poison. This toxin attacks the respiratory system, becoming corrosive when coming in contact with mucous membranes and other sensitive tissues. The throat and lungs tend to get hit the hardest, eventually damaging them so that the victim can no longer breath or drowns in their own boiling bodily fluids. Since it hits the respiratory system, it causes a lot of coughing and spitting up of fluids. This has led to the early belief that Ushi-oni spread disease, as people saw the coughing and wheezing of burning throats as symptoms of illness. Ushi-oni spew this poison from their maws to envelope prey in a deadly cloud. If they breathe in enough, they will die, but slowly. In most cases, the Ushi-oni will finish targets off before the nastier effects can set in, more so using the poison to slow them down. In scenarios where there is a lot of animals in the area, they will cover the whole place with poison and wait for all the morsels to eventually drop dead. Then they may feast on the corpses left behind.

It should be noted that this poison gas is also used for ridding its body of parasites, as it seems that is the main use of the side orifices. By hosing down their hide with this toxin, they can kill off critters clinging to their shell. It is used for warding off predators too, but clearly there comes a point where few beasts of the sea are willing to deal with such nasty titans.

While they possess a deadly weapon and savage strength, the Ushi-oni is not a foe to every living thing. In fact, these massive crabs appear to actually form a symbiosis with another coastal creature: the Nure-onna. Indeed, these nasty serpents seem to get along with these poison spewing crabs, and one of the reasons is because they appear to be resistant to the gas. How they developed this, we have no clue, but they certainly take advantage of this perk. Their partnership was probably born from Nure-onna diving into the noxious clouds to nab dying prey for themselves, resulting in these serpents following Ushi-oni about for a free meal. Eventually they wound up in the nests of the Ushi-oni, who set them up in coastal caves and holes bored into rock faces. Here is where egg-carrying Ushi-oni will deposit their unborn young, to keep them safe from the myriad of aquatic predators who would gobble them up. However, there are a few critters on the surface who could target these eggs too, so there is still a threat. The Ushi-oni can certainly use its gas to ward them off, but it can't watch its eggs constantly. A big creature like that needs food, and it must leave its cave from time to time to fetch a meal.

Here is where the Nure-onna come in, as they are more than happy to babysit if it means getting on the Ushi-oni's good side. They will watch over these eggs and devour any predators or parasites that may try their luck. This is especially helpful, because the crab's large size makes it a bit difficult dealing with small fast targets. The serpents cover that weakness, and take out foes who may evade the stabbing legs and grabbing claws. As a reward, they get a share of the food the Ushi-oni brings back home, a safe place to sleep and protection from predators. The Nure-onna also take advantage of their huge friend by playing as bait for their typical enemies. They leave themselves out in the open, lure a predator into a chase and then lead it right into the deadly maw of the Ushi-oni. Pretty clever! So keep that in mind if you ever find yourself hunting Nure-onna and one seems oddly cowardly. It isn't because you are a big scary hunter, it is more that it is testing you to see if you are dumb enough to give chase. Follow it, and you will find who the real big scary hunter is...

Needless to say, the Ushi-oni are a reviled species and are labeled as a major threat for these coastal regions. Those that setup shop out on wild beaches far from towns are left alone, with people more than happy to keep a very wide berth. But when one settles near coastal villages, it is a major problem. They greatly reduce local populations of food species, and can easily kill people. In fact, Ushi-oni are a species that see humans as prey, and won't hesitate to feed when they see them. Even if they weren't actively targeting sunbathers, their deadly gas clouds are capable of riding the winds and causing damage down wind. People standing in the wrong place at the wrong time can receive a nasty dose of poison. In diluted forms, it isn't deadly, but it will scorch your lungs and leave you coughing and wheezing for a very long time. Some folk never fully recover, scarred for life by its toxins. They kill a lot of animals and eat a lot too, so things are never pretty when they come to shore. Unfortunately, getting rid of them isn't all that easy.

With armored hide, most weapons do little against them. You need to target an opening in their shell, particularly their vents. However, that is where the poison comes out. So not only do you have to locate a weak point, you have to do so while dealing with a whole cloud of death surrounding it. Even if you get good masks and ways to filter out the toxins, it is still one big angry crab. Claws and spiky legs can tear through armor and skewer you like a chunk of meat. Their great bulk can straight up crush you beneath their bodies, so you won't find safety under them. Ushi-oni have been slain before, but often not without a few fatalities. And once they are dead, there isn't much to be gained. Their bits are steeped in poison, and their meat is inedible. While their shells could be cleaned and used, locals do not like that idea. They find Ushi-oni to be evil, vile creatures, and bearing their parts and visage will only bring forth curses. Part of me feels like this was born from people trying to use their chitin as armor, but didn't properly clean it and wound up getting exposed to traces of the poison. Their deteriorating health no doubt made others think they were stricken by something wicked for carrying such a horrid symbol.

On top of all that, keep in mind that the ones we typically see are the younger ones. Out there in the deep, there are massive Ushi-oni toiling in the muck and darkness. Their age makes them slow to return to shore, but when they do, it is practically a natural disaster. The emergence of an ancient Ushi-oni results in evacuations and miles of land being declared off limits. It gets to a point where they don't even send hunters or warriors to kill it, as it is a fool's errand. They merely wait for them to hatch their young and return to the depths. But Ushi-oni are hungry creatures, and they will scour the land for food. Though many people flee, not everyone can escape their toxic aura and ravenous gullet.

This has led to Ushi-oni being deemed a "dragon-level threat," essentially a species that is powerful and dangerous enough that it is akin to a great dragon burning down entire villages. While it certainly does a good job showing how deadly these creatures can be, you probably won't be surprised to hear that this irks me. "Dragon" is already a word that has practically lost all meaning to me, and now we are using them to measure threat levels? What kind of dragon we talking here? When you say "dragon-level threat" do you mean like a Sulfrik or Codrille, or is it more like a "Venom Dragon?" Mossy Sleepers have had people attempt to label them "Moss Dragons," so are they on the scale? Is an Ushi-oni as dangerous as a sleeping pile of moss and branches? Could be, because they are a "dragon-level threat!" It's nonsense, I tell you! Pure nonsense! Why don't we start calling Ushi-oni "Crab Dragons?!" It breathes deadly stuff, is dangerous and is big! So surely it be a dragon! You know what, yeah, why not!? How about I cash in on this stupid naming scheme and pioneer the name of "Crab Dragon!?" Get my name all over the papers and books! It's brilliant! What else can I name a dragon?! Oh, "Amber Eaters" are now "Amber Dragons!" And I get paid every time someone says it! I can do that! I have that power! That is my breath weapon! OH, THAT'S IT! I'M A DRAGON! A CHLORA DRAGON! THAT MEANS I AM A DRAGON-LEVEL THREAT! OH THE POWER! THE POWER! RAAAAAAAWR! HERE COMES THE CHLORA DRAGON!

Chlora Myron

Dryad Natural Historian (and DRAGON)

Okay, Chlora, looks like we need to have a sit down and little chat. Just want to check in to make sure everything is alright and that all this studying and working isn't causing you too much stress. When you have the time, please swing by my place because I would really like to know: what this is!?

Eucella Raviida

Editor & Therapist (apparently)

-----------------------------------

"Ushi-oni"

Was torn on what to make this beast: spider or crustacean. I know either option would have been fine, but crustacean won out in the end.

[parismemes]

SENTENCE STARTERS FROM AN ARGUMENT THAT GOT OUT OF HAND: THE SEQUEL

"are there more eyes or legs? in the world."

"i feel it in my bones."

"think about all the beetles and the ants."

"but think about all the fish."

"there are way more bugs than fish. every bug has like 6 legs. but every fish has like 2 eyes."

"how do you know how many fish there are?"

"um i speak to the fish personally they told me."

"i'm just saying i've seen like a million spiders in my house but i've never seen a fish."

"ok well potatoes also have eyes and there are way more potatoes and fish combined than bugs."

"have you SEEN ants? they're everywhere."

"one quadrillion ants."

"SPIDERS HAVE A PROPORTIONATE NUMBER OF EYES AND LEGS."

"110 TRILLION MOSQUITOS."

"DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH A QUADRILLION IS?"

"DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY POTATOES ARE IN A MILLION METRIC TONS?"

"the bugs will kill your potatoes and then what will you have?"

"consider: every person with glasses has four eyes."

"we're not accepting metaphorical eyes."

"THERE'S SO MANY BUGS YOU CANT EVEN SEE."

"legs are amputated more often than eyes."

"it's called being creative."

"if something is called a leg or an eye it counts."

"source: IT'S A QUADRILLION ANTS."

"there's not 2 quadrillion fanart. that's literally physically not possible."

"oh it must've flew by me because we are going so fast."

"NEEDLES HAVE EYES."

"millipedes. there are so fucking many of them, dude. they have so many legs."

"i'm not talking about needles, ___. i'm talking about real things."

"YEAH MILLIPEDE GANG!"

"needles are real, you fucking pickle."

"NEEDLES ARE FAKE NOW?"

"they are only figments of our imagination. collective mass hysteria."

"i've never seen a needle in my life."

"millipedes are fake."

"look at these religious texts. they prove the millipede."

"THIS is subliminal messaging actually. this beamed the idea of millipedes existing into your brains."

"what does that have to do with religion?"

"bugs reign supreme."

"bugs aren't real."

"YOU BE NICE. THEY'RE LITTLE. THEY'RE TOO SMALL TO FIGHT BACK AGAINST YOUR HATE SPEECH."

"bug bug bug. IT'S BEES BABY!"

"i'm full of bugs so i count."

"HE'S NOT MULTIPLE PEOPLE."

"that's like saying every time i move my leg it's a new leg."

"you sound like a dumb ass."

"eyes are more common because full bodies are a pain in the ass."

"it's not a good measurement because literally anyone can unbalance it."

"you're just mad because millipede supremacy."

"sometimes things don't work perfectly, ___!"

"ANTS ARE TEMPORARY."

"what the fuck is a millipede."

"ants reproduce so fast. they multiply. like rabbits which ALSO HAVE MORE LEGS."

"THEY'RE STILL TEMPORARY. EVERYTHING IS."

"ants live for ever."

"newton's law says that we do know that."

"newton can't tell me what to do. fuck the law."

"oh yeah the one hurricane happening at any given time ever?"

"i feel like you guys don't know how big a quadrillion is."

"THEY CAN'T DEFEND THEMSELVES SHUT THE FUCK UP."

"I CAN'T GO TO COURT FOR AN ANT I DON'T KNOW THE ANT LAW."

"you know what? i'm starting to think YOU aren't real. what living person would be so cruel to little guys like them? no one real that's who."

"that's not even mentioning the beetle and mosquito and scorpion and crab and starfish AND CHAIR AND TABLE."

"no they don't bitch ass."

"stop this anti-ant propaganda."

"i know more about ants than you do genius."

"says the person who thinks OHIO is a place."

"capitalism propaganda is notoriously pretending the midwest does not exist."

"YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW MY BUGS?"

"if ants were real, they would have five eyes."

"HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE ME OF CAPITALISM?"

"that's not true 5 is a stupid number for eyes."

"ohio is fake."

"baby. baby boy."

"the midwest IS capitalist propaganda it exists only to produce corn and middle-american families with traditional values, everything else is an outlier."

"he's got little boots!"

"you say that like the people in the midwest were not exploited by the capitalist society of america and by the time certain parts of the midwest became of little use to the capitalist machine, the system ultimately failed them and broke them down. the midwest, especially the rust belt, was a precursor and a warning of capitalist failure."

"LOBSTERS!"

"ANOTHER WIN FOR THE PRAWNY BOYS!"

"iguanas have three eyes."

"it doesn't count for eyes unless more eyes than legs."

"potatoes have zero legs and can have up to ten eyes."

"two is less than a quadrillion."

"okay but tiamat only has four legs and she has ten eyes."

"i was gonna say something really bad. it was about the h... never mind."

"that's what the government wants you to think."

"are YOU a capitalist too?"

"worms on strings have two eyes and no legs."

"THERE ARE JARS AND JARS OF FREE FLOATING GOOGLY EYES IN THE WORLD."

"they probably cost a lot of money."

"i straight up thought you were saying there were jars and jars of actual real eyes and i was gonna ask you how you'd even know that."

"well, when they prepare your body to be buried, they take an ice cream scoop and scoop out your eyes."

"YOU'RE HURTING OUR ARGUMENT. YOU JUDAS."

"i'm going to eat your eyes and then there's gonna be two less eyes in the world."

"oh yeah, the QUADRILLION snakes?"

"beholders literally are not real."

"habushu has a snake in every jar."

"i was just too busy trying not to say human centipede."

"i have so many grass hopping outside."

"cicadas... the sweet song."

"why is your grass hopping?"

"i also have so many house centipedes just living here in my basement with me."

"you said they weren't real."

"you take things i say seriously and that is your issue not mine."

"i have autism."

"we ALL have autism."

"i'm sorry you took my word as god on the realness of a common household item."

"my mental fortitude is unmatched i am a FORTRESS."

"my fortress is only legs. wake up."

"WHAT ABOUT THE BABA YAGA?"

"i made a diagram of the house."

"there are literally two eyes in that picture."

"OH SO WINDOWS ARE EYES NOW BUT THEY CAN'T BE DOORS?"

"ok but are there more windows or doors in baba yaga's hut?"

"I GUESS THE DEFINITION OF A WINDOW IS ONLY FLUID WHEN IT SUITS YOUR ARGUMENT."

"windows are NOT EYES. but they are doors."

"I ASSUMED IT WAS A RABBIT. SO FUCK YOU."

"how can we trust your judgment now?"

"damn even triangles got legs."

"my refrigerator also has legs cuz it's running. hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!"

"i gotta go catch my fridge."

"or will your fridge catch you...?"

"no, he's scared of me."

"the most dangerous game."

"i would be scared of you, too, if you opened me up and looked at my insides when you were hungry."

"i can't count all the glasses in the world and history of it."

"do not eat the bees. we need them. they're disappearing at an alarming rate."

"lots of bees. lots of legs."

"ok. don't see how that's more than a quadrillion."

"i literally gave you needles"

"insects don't fucking EXIST."

"in my heart they exist, and i think that absolutely counts."

"i'm sorry you can't afford better glasses but when you get the right prescription everything becomes clearer and you can see the little guys."

"THERE'S LIKE FOUR PEACOCKS. ever."

"name one peacock--- oh shit kung fu panda. name two peacocks!"

"name one of them and DON'T SAY THE ONE FROM KUNG FU PANDA."

"unfortunately, i did know someone in our town who had a pet peacock."

"check facted."

"ok that's not a quadrillion."

"i don't think that's a real number."

"how can anyone possibly count that high?"

"BACTERIA DO IN FACT WALK!"

"see you in a few years."

"the eyes decompose so nobody wins."

"eye socket isn't part of the eyes."

"leg bones are part of the leg."

"leg bones aren't called leg, they have other names."

"leg is connected to the. leg bone."

"put me into orbit."

"bones in the legs are more often referred to by name, such as tibia."

"some of us are stupid."

"mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. haha microwave."

"so you can count the bones but only if it's a full skeletal structure of a full leg."

"snotelek wins again."

"WAIT THERE'S SO MANY DEAD BODIES MISSING THEIR EYES IN THE GROUND."

"THE SKELETON ARMY COMES THROUGH FOR LEG GANG!"

"oh my fucking god the queen died."

[kobblefort]

Hoistedworked: Origins

Alright, okay, yeah. Back on the wagon, right here in the woods. It's still plenty remote, cold enough to teach a Dwarf to speak in clicks, and it is actually capable of sustaining life. Sure it's no glacier but the glacier was always a shitty idea. We can at least carve something out here. Like some ideas are actually just bad. Like too bad to manage. This one though is basically fine. We can do this.

See? Look at this shit, it's beautiful. Plants. Trees. Actual solid ground. Since I never introduced the actual decapods before, let's pretend these are all just the same guys, okay? Just for convenience's sake.

Cikuti Worthoars, who likes bobbit worms for their knobs and angles. Oh yeah and suddenly the snow cleared up. Don't ask me, I don't know why.

Cutichi Strengthtown, AWESOME name. He likes to eat seahorse meat and loves two-grain wheat beer.

Chetek Boattrussed, who likes kangaroos for their pouches. 🤔

Cukikuki Townriddle. Big fan of eating giant Brown Recluse spiders, even though she hates cave spiders. I'm not going to ask.

Scukikik Denttongs. Big beak dog fan.

Retuti Livingwheel, groundhog fan and mead drinker. Wonder if we can actually get a bee colony set up here.

And finally Cikuki Prisoncrafts, goat eater. Well, please forgive me if I kind of breeze past the "starter base setup" phase here.

Or, well, I would, but... nobody wants to work. That's not some boomerism, nobody will just pick up the tools to chop wood or dig holes. They gather plants fine, and took apart the wagon without any trouble, but now they're just... gawking...

Reading about it on Reddit, it seems the solution is to just retire the fort and then immediately un-retire it. So we'll try that I guess.

come on... come on... YES!!

We don't even make it all the way down 10 stories before discovering the cavern this time. And before you ask:

yep, fucked up normal grass again. Whatever. It's not as big of a deal this time. One day I really ought to properly ask how that even happens, but for now, I'm just rolling with it.

Up above, all that happened in the two weeks the game makes you wait whenever you start fortress mode again is that the crabs spilled all their prickleberry wine. What a tragedy!

After about a season, we've got a pretty nice setup coming together. All the stockpiles are hidden away under the big main meeting area, the aquifer drains into a cistern, things that rot are kept safely away from the average crab's path, and walls are being built up top to make a more secure entrance. We've eaten a boar and silky sea slug while food stocks were low, and the giant leopard we brought with us "went missing" some time ago - which probably just means it's dead. Giant raccoons have been harrassing us up on the surface, but that's the point of setting up our defenses. It's a much more auspicious start than our first expedition, and with self-sufficiency actually taken care of, we'll be able to get our paper economy and library off the ground sooner than later. We've also found a bit of native platinum quite high up in the earth, but once you start the metal economy, it feels like you just sort of become a metal economy fortress. So we'll hold off on that for now. Also, the giant wolves keep wandering into our meeting hall. Don't worry, they're ours, but they'd probably suit us better outside fending off the raccoons... Oh, and nobody has bedrooms yet. Nobody's too pressed about that, though. One time a really drunk guy came over to my house and when I said "alright that's it for the night" he was like for sure, peace out, slapped my hand, fistbumped me, grabbed his things and walked 5 steps out the front door to fall asleep sitting up on the stairwell of my apartment. So people can do that, people can just sleep on stairs. My roommates found him and were like "what the fuck" and I was also like "what the fuck" because I figured he'd just go home. I think they just let him sleep though. I would've heard it if he fell down the stairs and he didn't. So you can do that.

There's not a lot to say right now. We're not making a ton of money, but we're sustaining ourselves fine.

Defenses are coming together fine, too. Our giant wolves had pups and the pups have the zoomies. It's wonderful.

There's a quantum stockpile now to make woodworking a lot easier. For those not in the know, a "quantum stockpile" is a 1x1 stockpile that gets filled by having a minecart dump into it. The cart races down from the surface, and is just long enough that it doesn't crash at the end, though also just too long to auto-dump - so instead, the solution is to make whoever finishes filling the cart hop in and ride it down so that they can push it the last couple tiles. Or at least, that's the plan; at first crabs just kicked the cart down the ramp, but since I changed it to be ridden instead, everyone's been too busy putting a ceiling over the main "courtyard."

Here's our "administrative wing": counter-clockwise from the top, it houses our expedition leader Worthoars, production supervisor Boattrussed, and sheriff Channeledchain. We've got a hospital set up earlier than we need it for once, but nobody's been appointed chief of medicine yet. I ultimately had to run DFhack drain-aquifer just because the "mist generator" started overflowing, but I've set up "ponds" where any crab with nothing better to do will chuck a bucket of water down from the top of the stairs. The result is the same, so it should cheer everyone up. They'll need it, since...

Roofing the main area has everyone caught in a snowstorm, and though nobody's particularly miserable at all, it's still dragging some crabs down. Oh, and I like this.

Efficiency be damned, I wanted a cool bedroom setup, and looking down into the great hall right when you wake up seems pretty cool to me.

An agitated giant raccoon attacks, but it's put down pretty quickly by the giant wolves. The bigger threat is our own lack of forethought.

I wanted to put grates up above the farm plot there, because I'm not actually sure whether you still need outdoor plants to get sunlight and rain or whatever, or if a tile that was directly exposed to the sun at any point just counts as "outdoors" forever. I honestly think it's the latter but you know what they say about eggs and baskets and all that type of shit.

The problem is that crabs kept trying to put floors down on these tiles, which was possible because they could walk over the grates to reach them, but didn't register to the game as structurally sound, so the floor just instantly collapsed every time they tried to do it. Well, at least nobody died.

Except for just now. I tried to make the quantum stockpile also include rocks, and it worked! But people keep walking out in front of it and getting hit. Somehow, a shrimp survived just fine, but this metalsmith fucking died. It seems obvious to like, not walk on minecart tracks, especially if they're set to the "no" traffic setting, but it's apparently not. A bit of judicious wall use seems to fix it, though. We also make probably the ugliest fucking graveyard I've EVER set up.

Right off to the side of our main noble quarters for whenever we either get a mayor, get elevated to a barony, or whatever else, I just made... I don't know. This spaghetti nightmare. I don't care. If crabs were dying in battle, then you know, I'd take it serious, I'd make a big whole thing out of it or at least plop down the quickfort windmills. But what am I supposed to feel about a guy bashing himself with the fucking minecart? Like... you get what you paid for. And now the next poor saps to die in this fortress get what you paid for too.

Our first artifact is created! Its name translates to "Slippants." Ok. It just has an image of a decapod in it. Not even any particular kind of decapod in specific. But it instantly makes Hailcloistered, or jesus christ how am I supposed to remember this, Ricikikikitikik into a legendary armorsmith. Which is, you know, cool. Yeah, we could probably get some armor going. I neglected to mention I set up a metalsmithing business; I didn't want to, but there are so many metalsmiths in this fortress that they started a guild, and I always wanted to try actually placing workshops in a guild-relevant area instead of just having all the workshops in one place and guild halls somewhere else, so it's a little inefficient, but it looks cool, so who cares.

...and that right there is the last thing I wrote before I stopped playing for 8 months.

I feel like the reveal was always coming: "I was just doing this as a weird cry for help cloaked dick-deep in 69 layers of irony." Like on the surface it looks like it is just a person freaking out but then one layer lower it's actually just a guy fucking around but one more layer it's freaking out again and on and on and on. I don't know what to say besides that. I'm in the first really healthy relationship of my life and trying not to mess it up. I'm still soul-crushingly poor with no real skills or job prospects. I do still play the greatest simulation game of all time Dwarf Fortress, though much more rarely - I often boot it up with big ambitions to make some Content for The Tube, actually, but I'm simply too good at the game, so nothing interesting happens in my forts, and I end up with twenty gigabytes of footage and ten pages scribbled in a notebook covering six years of fortress management where the most interesting thing that happens is like, I set up a milling industry.

I'm not really interested in Daarunbay Detevay anymore, I'm sorry. It's not like I've deleted it, I keep pretty extensive backups of all my worlds and saves for the greatest simulation game of all time Dwarf Fortress, even though I rarely actually use them, so it's not really going anywhere. If there's any interest I could probably like, put the world folder on pixeldrain or mediafire or whatever and try to compile a mod list, but I'm not making any promises and I doubt anyone really wants that very bad anyway.

...and that right there is the last thing I wrote before I forgot about this draft for 2 months.

In that time, the Adventure Mode beta appeared. I stayed up all night waiting for it to come out, but it was still rough enough that I didn't dive all the way in just yet. However, I realized something after playing as a cockatiel man who got viciously killed for starting random fights with innocent dwarves in my own half-abandoned fortress which went to hell because apparently the AI lets all of the animals out of cages and unlocks all the doors when you retire a fort. There might still be much more to do in Daarunbay Detevay. Rat World may be doomed but there's no reason we couldn't make a party of Rat Bandits. Better yet we could embark from Rushsly on the mission of a lifetime: to kill Vakeek Malignreasons.

So I don't know. Maybe we're going to do that. Maybe I will actually make some YouTube Content and I'll never reveal there that I was the Kobblefort guy but you could see a video and recognize my loquacious schizotypal affect, and you'd be like "dude, aren't you the guy who did Kobblefort?" and I wouldn't respond or maybe I'd be like "what is that" but you'd know. You'd know it was me. But just for the record please don't go around asking Dwarf Fortress YouTubers if they're the Kobblefort guy. Because either they don't know and you have exposed a YouTube person (much more normal than Tumblr people, on the whole) to Kobblefort or you have put me on the spot. So yeah, just forget you ever read any of this, except for during the time where you're reading it. I'm trying to do the exact opposite of "death of the author" here. This is "death of the reader." No that sounds fucked up. This is "life of the author." Sure. See you soon

[firecoloredwater]

What species of spider would you prefer to have live on you for the rest of your life?

Two facts, for clarity in the metaphor:

1: these are not superintelligent magic spiders and you are not a mutant that can control them. You are yourself, and they are ordinary spiders, which will do ordinary spider things like build webs and lay eggs and bite. Except that they live on you, now.

2: everyone has their own colony of spiders living on them. They will not judge you for being covered in spiders. They will, however, judge you for not having enough spiders, or not caring for your spiders properly, as well as for which species of spider you choose.

(Obviously I can't list every species of spider out there, so I'm just listing a few of my personal top choices + the reasoning behind them. Vote for the reasoning you would use, if the particular species isn't listed.)

To be clear: this is a metaphor about how I FEEL about gender, not any sort of objective reality or truth about gender or whatever.

I just really really hate being asked for pronouns because they're all wrong and 'no' is not an option.

[3-inch-sam]

Can we get some lore about your sona? Also, do you think he and Flynncore!Miguel would hang out? :)

OKAY SO this will be a long post because I'm using this as an excuse to drop like. all of his lore. so we'll have a nice little summary at the top!! this is gonna have some timeline and half life lore fuckery for both retail and beta versions of hl2 so brace yourself for fan service to myself lol

Red was bitten by a poison headcrab which means that he doesn't have conventional spider powers (ooh big shocker). I haven't decided if I'm gonna give him sticky hands, spider sense, and webs or not but he definitely has the strength because super strength is handy and cool.

Red has:

non-retractable claws

venomous fangs, and venemous barbs that extend from his wrists. these both excrete a neurotoxin that is stronger on Combine soldiers than humans. it will severely injure humans and, generally, kill Combines.

barb-hairs on his arms, legs, and shoulders that act as whiskers to sense changes in his environment

sensitivity to heat and light, as well as heightened smell (possibly hearing? idk)

can screech, hiss, and rattle like a poison headcrab. used to keep other crabs from attacking him but if they see him it won't work lol

enhanced agility and strength

a natural resilience to Xen floral infections

Red is a pretty goofy guy!! He likes to make jokes and chat with anyone he can. He also picks up anything he finds interesting, from broken walkmans to bright pens to bits of jewelry. Anything he can bring to an older Resistance member and ask about the past, he will. Russell is always happy to talk about it, at least.

I think he'd like to hang out with Flynncore Miguel! Is that what we're calling him? 🤭 He enjoys tinkering with machinery, and he's always happy to talk with someone who knows more than him. The Spider Society would be pretty overwhelming though, I think it's more people in one place than he's ever seen in his life lol. he would try to destroy the go home machine also. it looks way too close to a Combine synth and/or a cremator head for his comfort, he would freak out.

okay now lore time!!

SO. we're gonna get fucky with the beta and canon timelines!! let's call them Beta and Lambda to avoid confusion, yeah? this isn't going to follow either of those canons entirely because I can do what I want, but it is going to heavily draw from them so if you aren't buried in half life lore like I am, I'm sorry, it's totally okay, I'm just cursed lol

Red was 3 when the Combine took over his Earth, Beta. He remembers small snippets of the time before the Seven Hour War but it's very fuzzy. At 6, he was sent to a cremator factory, just like the rest of the kids in his sector. He was there for 5 years, watching the Combine slowly sap Earth of its natural resources. The oceans were drained, the air was replaced with noxious gas, and humans were dying in droves, though no one dared to talk about it.

When Red was 11 there was an attempt at resistance. A small force of humans, led by Eli Maxwell and Alyx Vance, rose up and tried to overthrow the Combine's rule on Earth. They were tragically shut down and killed, but in the chaos of the revolution Red managed to escape the factory he was in and found a small group of Vortiguants preparing to leave. They had gathered enough antlion essence to open a portal to the borderworld of Xen, and took Red with them.

Xen was quite different from how these Vortiguants had left it. Luckily, there was another Earth connecting to it, an almost identical version, and they jumped through. This Earth (Lambda, remember?) was also being taken by the Combine. Red and the Vortiguants discovered that the Combine had discovered both versions, and decided to attempt different methods of subjugation in order to maximize their efforts. This had the added benefit of doubling the resources they could pull from the planets.

On their way to the nearest City, Red's group passed too close to a headcrab shell target outpost. Red was attacked by a poison headcrab, but the Vortiguants managed to kill it and remove it before it could tap into his brain stem. They still had some juice from the antlion essence and healed his wounds the best they could.

In City 17 they found and joined a Resistance branch. Red was far too young to actually fight of course, so instead he spent his time learning from the scientists about the technology that humanity had adapted, and hearing stories of Lambda Earth before the Combine invasion. Red became friends with some of the other re Resistance members his age, though strangely there were no children who had been born after the war.

At 15-16, his powers started to develop and mutate his body. This was terrifying, of course, but thankfully he knew of one Resistance member who might not be adverse to him: Dr Isaac Kleiner. Aware of the man's strange affinity for headcrabs, Red traveled to his safehouse and asked for help. When they were both quite sure that he was not a danger, Kleiner informed Dr Eli Vance of Red's situation. They decided to test his abilities in order to see if he could be a good asset to the Resistance. Lo and behold he was!

At 17 Red trained in order to actually fight, and started going out on scouting missions. He had a knack for predicting Combine attacks and for going into Xen-infested areas with little protection needed. So, after a couple years, he became an actual scout. He started salvaging Combine armor parts from dead soldiers in order to build up a suit for himself, and brought back any tech he found for the scientists in the Resistance to use.

Now, at 21, Red has become a capable fighter and scout, tracking Combine shipments and disrupting their activities in City 17. He hopes that this Earth will do what his couldn't to drive the Combine away for good.