#like 'yes this is coping this is healthy processing' lmao

[mejomonster]

I am (trying to get) in a reading mood lately. Hoping to finally finish Silent Readings last bits. So like as you all know I wrote gratuitous meta and liveblogging on other chapters?

Yeah I expect unless my brain is so fried I'm gone past words cause the story completely consumed my ability to word things for a while, I'll make at least a bit of a post when I finish it. (Though I can already say GO READ SILENT READING BY PRIEST TRANSLATED BY EDANGLARTRANSLATIONS if you like the kind of stuff I like like queer men solving murders and stories about the corruption of government and justice and how evil rich ppl can be and healing from trauma both from a mature perspective and a more young ignoring-its-there not-even-fully-aware yet of its scope Perspective. Also daddy kink out the wazoo but in like the most nurturing ass way you ever did see and absolutely opposed to the leads actual daddy issues of "my dad's pure evil" Compared to "I'm dating an older man who loves me Actually Unconditionally (and also I love being babied and scolded and treated like a normal person by him)" (which? As an aside it is SO interesting to me how Luo Wenzhou loves unconditionally... in reality, most romantic love would be slightly conditional in that like it's normal and healthy to leave someone who say hits or steals all your money or threatens your family etc. But when you love say your child? Especially the younger they are, that's really the closest humans tend to get to unconditional love. Someone has to love and care for a child to keep it alive and healthy, even if the child hits or steals or threatens. While yes in extremes children may get taken away from a parent or a parent needs help at that point, and the child may end up somewhere where no one loves them. There's more of an instinct to generally love one's child closer to unconditionally. If a romantic partner yells at me or hits me? They're gone, they're cut out of my life. If my 8 year old niece yells at me and punches me? I get over it because I love her and it's my job to help keep her alive and see her doing okay. So like... in Silent Reading, it's fascinating that Luo Wenzhou starts the novel in the stance that Fei Du is more or less his adopted kid in terms of unconditional love, in terms of "I'll protect you and help you grow up into a good man, try to protect you from more trauma and help you cope with what you've got, endure the lashing out and try to help correct it so you don't act like that as an adult" in a way that like... if they were 2 teen boyfriends or 2 adult boyFriends the best move would probably just be to cut Fei Du OUT. But to Luo Wenzhou at the start, Fei Du is his responsibility like a kid would be, and that's not someone you cut out as an equal attacking you as quickly. Then as their relationship evolves, Luo DOES have to realize he does need to not be with Fei Du romantically if fei du can't treat him like an equal in that. Because that is different than a parent and child. An equal romantic partner needs to be honest back, needs to not lash out and expect unconditional forgiveness, needs to put in equal effort to build mutual respect - and oh man even then Luo Wenzhous more than willing to walk them through the process and lead in what to do next. But it's just mm. Just so fascinating seeing them both fall back on this chosen family sort of bond as a safety net, their safe place and a kind of unconditional love Fei Du got NOWHERE else in life, mixed with as they grow together this equal partnership both in work and romance where they feel More vulnerable and uncertain and like it's less of a guarantee they'll get to keep that old love and security the more they try to be truly equal. Idk I could write... a mountain on this... just like, for me, it's the most fascinating use of daddy kink lmao and age difference and past issues and stuff to tell stories about characters that I've seen)

Wooh! Anyway. Back to my point! So after I finish Silent Reading I'll probably post a few more rants lol. Also though, expect it probably for the next priest novel I start. Which I haven't fully decided on yet.

[fireintheforest]

Behind the Blue: chapter 4, part 1

Toivon’s musings were cut short when he walked out of the Den and went back down the alley passages amidst the roots of Elden Root. Magic spheres, mostly in warm reddish colors, gave some illumination to the otherwise dark tunnels that he traversed until one sharp turn to the left guided him back to the exterior of the roots, in the south end of Elden Root. Looking around, all that was surrounding him were some mer of the night chatting customers, an open bar that had some drunk people outside singing, a couple khajiit muttering amongst themselves, and a cart of street food where Marcello was receiving a little package from. Toivon approached the stall, his footsteps announcing his approach and making Marcello turn to him.

“So we got everything we need, and they got crab legs.” He said proudly, motioning to the tired-looking Bosmer on the stall. He just gave Marcello a bored glance.

“Awesome.” Toivon replied, “And we might have Saufinril.”

“Might?” Marcello’s smile dropped as they both walked away from the stall, “That’s not good. ‘Might’s not good. Didn’t you convince him? Talk him into it?”

“Normally I would,” Toivon said as he grabbed one of the crab legs from Marcello’s parcel and took a bite of the soft flesh that poked out of the shell, “but it seemed like that would just push him away. I told him we’d wait for him ten minutes, then leave. That’ll give him the option of joining us.”

“What?!” Marcello stepped in front of Toivon, “What if he doesn’t join? What if he decides not to come with us?”

“Then it’s on you to go be pretty at the party.”

“Toivon that’s not funny. We need him in-” Marcello lowered his voice and moved impatiently, “We need him in this heist!”

“First of all, I’m well aware we need his help. But like I said, our friend is a little…how do I put this gently… nervous, I guess. The money will be hook enough for now, and we know it’s a lot of money.”

“But what if it isn’t hook enough?” Marcello insisted

“We haven’t needed Saufinril in the past, have we?” with that, Toivon tore a piece of the crab’s leg shell and ate the meat, followed by Marcello and his parcel, to the inn.

 The sky was painted a light blue with streaks of pale yellow by the time the Den had closed, plates and cups were taken back to the kitchen to be washed, floors were mopped, tables and chairs were set up for tomorrow and people abandoned the first and second floors in favor of the private bedrooms in the third, where jewelry was taken off, baths were taken, hair was untied and brushed, makeup was removed, gossip was shared, down time was indulged in, and where the chatter and sometimes pearls of laughter now and then came to the fourth floor, where Saufinril was currently in. He was sitting in his bed, legs crossed underneath him, staring at the bag he’d begun to pack but was halfway (or, more accurately, one-fourth) full as he pondered with his gaze lost. 4000 Septims. Taking into consideration the distance they’d have to travel from Valenwood, the event the heist was taking in, the net worth of the jewel and, assumedly, the skill of all three party members, it was alright. If he did decide on doing this, he had to let Lillandril and Rialas know. Ugh, he also would have to pack up upscale things. Maybe if he raided Muraz’s, CC’s and Amara’s clothes he’d find something. Maybe Marci’s or Huuhna’s, too.

He let himself fall on the mattress. Obviously, the question of this being a trap to him hadn’t skipped past. But if he’d asked if this was a trap to him, then Toivon would know he was suspecting of him. That’s why it was easier to play being halfway sold on the idea and say the trap could be for all of them instead of revealing that he was not sure at all on the idea (even if he had just now considered borrowing clothes from Amara). But if it was a legit thing, then 4000 Septims would come nicely. He didn’t NEED them but…you know…4000 Septims.

He didn’t pinpoint the exact moment he fell asleep, but he knew precisely the moment when he woke up, judging by the leathery hand that was touching his ear. The immediate reaction from fear was to kick their stomach, which made the assailant grunt and fall back. Though it was daylight outside, the curtains in the private rooms didn’t allow much sunlight in in order to let the people inside sleep, not to mention not all the rooms had windows at all, so the darkness shrouded the identity of the person inside Saufinril’s room.

Saufinril immediately conjured a shot of lightning, throwing it at the intruder. The sparks lit somewhat up, allowing Saufinril to only see one fraction of a second the person: they were dressed head to toe in dark clothes, had leather gloves and a sort of mask covering their face. The intruder easily jumped aside from the fire ball, grabbed the evidently heavy bag it had by its side and ran out the room. Saufinril got up and ran behind it, initiating chase.

As he ran behind the person through the hallways, Saufinril figured out details of them. The figure was shorter than Saufinril (then again, almost everyone was) and by the time they reached the stairs, was running them down almost two at a time, and expertly dodging any spells Saufinril threw despite clearly hauling a lot with them. At one point, one of the spells hit the sack they were carrying, making the intruder stagger and drop something from one of their pockets: a very very familiar jagged hunting knife.

“Oh fu- you fucking thief!” Saufinril yelled, leaning down and grabbing the knife as he ran past it, still on hot pursuit of the stranger. They reached the third floor. The yells and the spell impacts had awakened people, who got out of the rooms to peer: groggily at first, then when the thief ran past with Saufinril in hot pursuit, more awaken and curious, though not interfering. The stranger kept running, opening one of the doors wider as he ran past, throwing a chair that was outside, anything to obstaculize Saufinril and block the spells he threw. Someone shrieked as they grabbed their door, the intruder’s hands mere centimeters away from their face when they swung their door open.

“Saufinril-!”

“What’s going on??”

“Who’s that?!”

“Go back to your rooms!” Saufinril called out, aiming and firing a frost spell that was supposed to land on the foot of the thief, but at the last minute said thief cartwheeled out of the way, grabbed the railing with both hands and vaulted over it!

Saufinril got to the railing, peering over, just at the second that the thief impulsed itself up and hit him square in the chest.

“Oof!”

Saufinril staggered back, the thief using his feet already in Saufinril’s chest to jump back, arching their back, and landing on their feet before taking off to the stairs. Saufinril had hit the wall meanwhile, but he took off after the thief once he was back on his feet, now both of them running down to the second floor.

“Saufinril what do you think you are you doing??” Mama Fro’s voice rang from a distance behind him, before the loud talking and panicking of the other workers rose cut her off, all explaining and pointing at the same time. Saufinril didn’t stop for her, rather he unsheathed the knife and threw it at the intruder, missing by a second due to them dropping and rolling. The knife got incrusted to the wall. Saufinril aimed again, this time the frost spell hitting the intruder’s left calf, making it emit a shriek of surprise.

GOOD! This will slow them down. Saufinril ran, reaching out to grab the thief by the hood, just a reach away, just one yank and he’d be able to see who it was at the very least. The stranger ran as best as he could but the frozen muscle was proving to be an issue for them. Saufinril stretched his arm. The stranger leaned forward, running. Saufinril leaned forward too. The last flight of stairs was close. The stranger ran. Saufinril ran. His arm outstretched. Reaching. Being dodged. The mask was close. So close. He could touch the mask. The stairs-

The intruder turned sharply to the railing, grabbed it with both hands and jumped, tucking their legs into their chest mid-jump and then stretching the legs out ahead of them as they released the railing. When they landed, their feet touched the ground, then knees, hands on the ground, they did a roll and ran.

“Fuck-” Saufinril ran down the stairs and followed in the direction the intruder had gone to. How did he get inside, anyhow?? Surprisingly, the thief ran to the front door, unlocked it, and bolted out.

“STOP!” Saufinril ran after the thief, blinking fast from his eyes adjusting to the sun. Which has GOT to be the stupidest fucking thief he’d ever had seen, to have run out of the front door in broad daylight. Still, Saufinril ran after him. People running errands and cleaning houses and businesses both witnessed from the sideways and occasionally moving aside from the chase. The daylight allowed him to see better the suspect: what he thought was a mask was actually a cloth wrapped around the suspect’s head, face and neck. Blue as far as he could tell, since the thief weaseled into as many obstacles as they could.

“When one gets one’s HANDS ON YOU-” Saufinril hissed, trying to reach out again. Instead, the thief turned right suddenly, vaulted over a street stand (gaining a yelp from the owner, who had to duck), and ran to the trees. Saufinril had to stop to keep himself from running into the stand, then ran around it, following the thief. The dense foliage made it harder to keep his gaze on his prey, but the sounds of quick footsteps ahead of him gave him an idea of where he was when tree branches hanging low got in his vision. The muscle seemed to have regained some of its old strength back, because the thief was running faster than a while back. Saufinril pushed the branches away, not caring where they went. The followed party would also push branches back to swing at Saufinril’s face, but he managed to avoid (some of) those. The terrain of rocks and roots sticking out didn’t help much, either.

The person took a wild, left turn, but their footing was off and their left foot slipped, tangling with the right one. Now was the time. Saufinril shot a paralyzing spell, which hit them square in the lower back. They emitted another yell, and arched their back as they fell. Saufinril turned left and grabbed their glove!

His own footing slipped as well, the ground was soft, he turned too close to an edge and he hadn’t realized. The speed of his run allowed him to keep turning despite him not wanting to. The only thing he was grabbing on to was the glove, and the more he turned the more it slid off until it was completely in his hand. He expected to land on the ground as it approached his vision camp, but didn’t; instead, what he had mistaken as ground covered in leaves disappeared underneath him. His arms flailed to grab something, his hand raked the soil, clinging to it, but when he felt a root under his nails he tightened his grip to it, stopping the fall. His other hand still clutched the glove.

Saufinril felt his shin hit a hard, jagged surface with all the force of the momentum first, raising a sharp immediate pain both all over his shin and in the one point where he’d hit the hard object, forcing out a strangled gasp and yell of pain. Then his whole body slammed itself to the soil wall of what seemed to be a big hole, dug on purpose. A hunter’s trap!

Cursing under his breath from the pain on his shin and resting his forehead on the soil as he did so, he brought the glove to his mouth and bit it to hold it, then used his other hand to cling to the root he was holding on to. He had to bring himself up, but his right shin (the one he’d hit) extended the pain down to his ankle and he was under the impression that his leg was heavy. Using his left knee on the wall, he pulled himself up, attempted to claw up to grab something, failed and had to hang again. He took a couple of deep breaths. The paralysis spell would last some seconds more but he had to get back up now. At least the reigning silence told him the target was still frozen in place. He had to try again.

Left knee on the wall, pull himself up, this time Saufinril reached to grab the same root further up. He was breathing heavily and peering over the edge. The stranger was indeed lying on the floor, but he was also starting to move. Oh gods oh fuck he had to grab him now. His leg pain was shooting up and down like a maniac, he let out a low noise of pain as he kept slowly pulling himself up. He tried putting his right foot on the wall to help with pulling up but the leg protested by sending agony up and down, forcing Saufinril another grunt from the torment and to release the leg from the strain. Gods, hope he didn’t twist an ankle. He was almost sure he hadn’t, but he still couldn’t support his foot. He’d have to make do with arms and left leg. The stranger now emitted a low groan.

By the time Saufinril had both arms well out of the hole and could push himself up, sadly, the stranger was standing up and staggering.

“Nff!” Saufinril yelled in anger, teeth still biting the glove, “Dnnf y drr!”

The stranger took the uncovered hand to their front, took the bag and, without turning back on the Altmer, ran back to Elden Root. Saufinril shot another paralyzing spell, but this one hit the branches. The intruder ducked and kept running.

Sigh. Well.

Saufinril used his forearms to drag himself up until he felt his hips touch the edge, when he pulled up the left knee and rolled completely out of the hole, lying down on the ground. He still held the glove with his teeth, so he exhaled from the chase. Usual jungle noises surrounded him. His right pant leg felt like it was too tight, and it was hurting. He sat down, removed the glove from his mouth and set it aside, he then rolled up his right pants leg to see his shin turning painful shades of blue and purple and a bump right in the shin, which was where the most pain was at. No blood on sight, though. Saufinril got up, testing how much weight his leg could sustain. He hissed in pain when he tried putting all his weight on both legs as usual, so he limped his way back.

[jisoomes]

.

[bunnyishh]

black coffee, espresso, and chocolate

A/N: PLEASE. GIVE. ME. REMUS. LUPIN. hello hi, im an insomniac and i like to romanticize mornings bc i actually dread them bc it reminds me how i cant sleep. why not cope by adding remus lupin into the mix lmao. im probably gonna write one w harry AHA 

Warnings: none? mentions lack of sleep, fluff and chocolate. 

Pairing: Remus Lupin x Reader 

Summary: Morning with Remus is your daily dose of tranquility in this dangerous war. 

When the skies transition from dark to a lesser dark, when it’s still cold outside, and when the coffee is ready. Thats were you and Remus finds the most tranquility. 

It’s been tough recently, you and Remus were busying yourselves by spying and gaining intel for the order. On your free time, you spent studying and researching on potions. Dumbledore has slid your name to Slughorn and you’ve kept in touch through letters, him providing you with his knowledge and you replying with your testimonies. 

Your dream was always to become a healer and own a potion shop one day, but the times are tough right now and you’re main priority is to bring safety into your loving world.

Despite your busy schedule and trying to survive, you still take mornings at your own pace. No matter how busy you are or how little to no sleep Remus and you didn’t get. You both still made the time to settle down early in the morning, where the darkness becomes lesser dark, and brew yourselves a cup of coffee (black coffee for remus and espresso for you. you’re fancy) 

“Morning m’love.” Remus says, tiredly making his way down the stairs and enters the kitchen. You’re set up on the long dinning table, your texts and notes scattered around you. You’ve been researching and studying all night since you couldn’t sleep. Remus had begged you to join the bed but after the 5th time you refused, he gave in and said you’re welcome to join him when you wanted. 

“Morning, dear.” You hummed, eyes still remained on the text. He chuckles as he watches you, hair messily in a bun, fingers tapping against the wooden table while the other gripped your quill. He can see the darkness pooling around your eyes but he still finds you rather beautiful, despite your tired state. 

“Coffee?” He says, your tired eyes flick up to see how the sun started to slowly rise and the skies had brightened. You were quick to put your quill down, careful to not let the ink spill before tidying up your space. “Yes, that be lovely.” You responded, leaning back against the hard chair. You watched as Remus pads his way towards the kitchen, you assume Sirius (who had just returned) was upstairs, taking in as much rest as he could get. 

Your lips stretch into a soft smile because nothing looks and feels better than seeing your boyfriend tiredly make his cup of coffee. You take a minute to stare before you gather yourself up. You feel your joints cracking as you stood and you’d slowly make your way towards the kitchen, wrapping your short arms around your tall man. 

He chuckles as you, loving how you’d cuddled up against his back. Your touched felt cold against his hot body and he couldn’t help but quickly turn around and wrap his long arms around you. “My sweet sweet girl..” He hums, tucking your hair behind your ear before tracing your under eyes with his thumb. “That is in desperate need of sleep..” He continues and you laugh at him. 

“I will.. Once I’m finished, Slughorn sent a new text and I’ve been itching to finish it..” You say, letting go of Remus to make yourself a nice warm latte. Remus remembers the day you came in bursting into the order, a heavy box in your arms and a wide grin plastered on your face. You had exclaimed something about espresso but he never really understood what it was. Remus didn’t bother to comment or look at it because he himself isn’t a coffee fanatic. He just knows that this brown liquid is what ables him to get through his day. 

But he leans against the kitchen top, eyes focused on you and how you excitedly make yourself some bean juice. His lips stretch into a soft smile and chuckles fall from him and he can’t help but think how beautiful you look. Even despite this war thats happening and despite the rough living conditions you may be in. Your beauty and your unconditional love is what motivates him to continue and live on because it’s so hard living as Remus Lupin. 

So he takes every morning to heart, these silent moments of peace before the hectic and dangerous day starts is what keeps him sane. These moments with you is what gives him a good kick start in the day time and a smile on his face and as you add chocolate into your latte, the smell immediately envelops the both of you, and this is what home smells like to him. 

“Love, could you pass-” You start but you’re immediately interrupted with Remus’s long arms wrapping around you, warmth immediately spreads around you and Remus gently tucks your head under his chin. He breaths and takes you in; eyes closed as he cherishes this moment. He doesn’t know what the future holds and he is very much afraid of this war and what it might do to you and his dear friends but there’s a small slither of hope that all of you will make it out alive and healthy. 

And you remain still with your arms wrapped around his torso, your ear pressed against his chest and you just hear his heart beat against you. You stay quiet, not wanting to interrupt whatever Remus is thinking and you decided that you too needed this. 

James and Lily is expecting and as her best friend you’re excited but frightened at the same time. You fear for the future but your friends and Remus is what holds you down, they keep you grounded and give you a purpose in life which motivates you to move forward. 

But these thoughts and fears can be dealt with later, it’s morning and all you and Remus ever wanted is just to bask in the world awakening and take a moment to pretend that there’s no war going on and that later you both have an assignment that could possibly kill you in the process to do. 

All you two do is take in each other as coffee, espresso, and chocolate fill the air and thats all you need. 

[everything-laito]

This is so embarrassing lmao but I really really appreciate your Laito analysis as they help me understand a lot of the things I've gone through. I was sexually abused as well and when I first interacted with dl (at a MUCH too young age) I remember being obsessed with Laito but didn't know why. It's a shame many people dismiss him as just a pervert bc imo he's one of the better represantions of what sexual trauma can do to you in this kind of media.

First of all, thank you so much, anon. I’m so so so glad my analyses are able to help you on that level, that makes me so happy!

I’m so so so very sorry that happened to you, though. I know you say my analyses help you out with understanding sexual trauma, but if you need help to get over said sexual trauma, my best advice is to seek professional help (this goes for anyone). I should’ve done that so much earlier for myself as well. It’s a tough thing to get over, and I’m still getting over my own. I hope you’re doing well though :)

And yes!! I had the same experience too; I was pretty young when I got into DL as well. Like I’m glad I got into it but man I should’ve been a bit older, yikes. I loved Laito at first; but that was before I got sexual trauma from the experiences I’ve unfortunately had as well. So he kinda turned into a coping mechanism (fortunately it was a pretty healthy one) and I didn’t even realize it. But I understood, similar to you, that he’s definitely not just a pervert. I never realized why he resonated with me so much until I started to understand him more. I was able to relate (on a not too extreme level, but still noticeable) to his thought processes and I was like “oh shit I don’t think I should be relating to this character this hard” and I legit never knew why until last year or so. I never even knew the sexual trauma hit me so hard, and I didn’t even know I had it to begin with until I legit started to think about it in relation to Laito. So yes, I do agree with the fact that his representation of sexual trauma is incredibly, scarily accurate. Sorry I went off on a little tangent, you really just hit me there so hard anon :’) Don’t be embarrassed though, thank you for sharing these words with me, it means a lot :)

My heart goes out to you, I hope you’re doing ok, and if you celebrate it, have a wonderful Christmas :)

[xxrat--punkxx]

JUMPING ON THIS BAND WAGGON

Ok here’s my 2020, tw//mentions of suicide and abuse

(Strong start lmao) 2020 sucked ass lemmi tell ya. This year was a fucking train wreck from the start, ur hay I got character development so who cares. Well let’s start with a review, bad things first.

Yall remember when everyone was scared shields of COVID?. Lol. But that’s stating the obvious. When we went into lockdown I was first like fuck yeah summer lol, but then the threat of ‘staying home for the rest of the year’ set in, bing in my first year of sixth form I really understand the stakes of exams next year. So having to stay home for the rest of the year freaked me the fuck out. I literally couldent cope, having to do all classes online was fucking hell, they were never zoom classes either, just ‘lmao do the work and hand it in’ which was near impossible for me. I was also in the constant ‘oh no I’m so stressed but I will do NOTHING about this lmao~’. As the days turned to weeks and inevitably MONTHS, my mental health said buckle up bitches. Days were spent sitting in my room on my phone doing NOTHING, meanwhile this perpetual notion of stress played in my head yet there I sat not having the will or motion to move.

Then my parents got involved. Now THATS when shit went from pretty crummy to awful, now I was living with them constantly I was able to see who they really were with no real filter. And oh god do I have issues, I didn’t even fucking know. Every day was an argument, my mom was the worst, the MANIPULATION, the constant ‘you're tearing this family apart’ or ‘so I’m the problem?’ Or the fucking indecent playing the victim. And I all only just realised, that they have been doing this ALL MY LIFE. Dad got involved but he was just physically violent, only twice tho. The worst part was my work, admittedly yes, I didn’t do everything I was given, but I tried, I really did with what little motivation I had. But with just one ‘oh your daughter hasn’t handed in this work’ I was a ‘lazy, good for nothing failure’ to quote ‘who will never go anywhere in life’ so I’d spend the rest of the day crying while they play the victim bury saupying I was abusing their love and just using them for money. But the next day be like ‘oh I’m so proud of you you're doing so well’ having that statement being completely unrelated to the previous events. This was constant. So that’s that story. I won’t talk much about Black Lives Matter because we all know about how that went. But it really affected me, I found myself crying over the victims multiple times. And the lack of support for the movement my peers or family showed made it fucking worse. Crying was a common occurrence for me now, mental health really taking a nosedive, being too scared to call myself ‘depressed’ or ‘mentally ill’ to any extent because I know I’m faking it and just want validation. That was also constant. Fun times huh.

BUT IT GETS WORSE 🥲, then I had to go back to school, awful to fucking abhorrent now. Year two of sixth form fun right? Sure, if u take away the ‘no free time period’ or the wanting to kill mystery for literally a whole 3 weeks. That was my lowest peak. Ever. I’ve never wanted to kill myself before then, don’t like that feeling. Shocker huh. That mixed with the constant anxiety of nothing is right anymore and also needing to succeed at school all made one healthy dose of ‘.exe has stopped working’ juice. Yet I played the fool, acting happy as if nothing had happened, or was happening at least, and venting by imagining scenes in my head with fictional characters lmao. Telling myself ’u can’t kill yourself because u don’t deserve too and ur just asking for attraction’. Then midterms happened blah blah blah, stress but I’m numb to it now that whole story.

But that’s not to say there wasn’t a silver lining.

Onto the good things finally, yes the year was probably one of the worst years I’ve been through in my life it did not go without its positives. For example early this year I got into borderlands properly, I finally explored the fandom and had a look at what it was like. Albeit a slow process considering I was still predominantly on Instagram at the time, and finding a community of a fandom on there is impossible. I started browsing Pinterest or the Internet for images that would link to my favourite characters, Who were to no ones surprise is the calypso twins. Pinterest led me to artworks and artworks led me to the infamous Lazulizard. Who I cherish all my being. Three weeks later after looking at her entire tumblr blog and stalking her of pretty much all her content (sorry for that by the way) I found border-spam. By this point I didn’t have tumblr and I had no intention of getting it seeing as an ongoing war I’ve had with myself since 2012, declaring I will be the bigger man and never get tumblr, which in hindsight was an awful mindset. Seeing as tumblr is probably one of my favourite places on Earth right now. But after also stalking border spams account, again sorry, and starving her of any content she’d ever posted. I was happy that this fandom although as niche as it is was actually getting content. At the time spam and lazu were absolute gods to me. Being the sole producer of a fandom I probably wasn’t even in properly, having both impeccable writing and impeccable art like good God. I would often think ‘wow wouldn’t it be incredible if I actually got to talk to them one day’, now look at me I’m doing commissions for both of them good God. And to be short joining tumblr felt like a fever dream and it’s probably the greatest thing I could’ve done this year, my parents are wrong, talking to strangers is amazing.

Something notable of mention this year as I actually got to figure out who I am as a person, I was able to find my own style and to find my interests, specifically in what I liked in terms of clothing. I thought I was LOL 2012 goth hipster but no apparently I’m manic Pixie dream girl. Going from pink is the ugliest colour in the world to having it be the only colour I will ever wear. I made some pretty big choices this year like cutting pretty much all of my hair off and dying it for the first time. Thanks strict parents for only letting me do that one now. But like I said I went to a character Ark and you know what I like it. I also played BioShock fallout and horizon zero dawn for the first time this year starting to really feel like a proper epic gamer, good lord kill me, and falling in love with all of them almost immediately. I also figured out on a plant mum and I’m into vulture culture although my parents have to disagree with that one. Asking to buy an Horse and fox skull somehow scared them a little bit can’t seem to figure out why lmao.

So a conclusion, Fuck you 2020 you made me miss two comic cons and I will never forgive you for that shit I am SO mad. But I will give you the benefit of the doubt you did make me meet some absolutely incredible people who I consider my friends, despite going against every single Internet safety law I was ever taught as a child. But you know what who gives a flying shit I love you guys. So that’s what I wanted to say. I want to say thank you to everyone on here and everyone is following me or even interacted me with on that matter. You mean the world to me and I really fucking mean it. Are you going to be nothing but amazing ever since I walked onto this fucking hell hole. And what I go through all of this bullshit again if it means I ended up here? You know what I think I just might. So again I thank you and I hope your year didn’t go as badly as mine, and fuck it bring on whatever the fucks next!

Honourable mention of this year was The time Elisa actually complimented me and I cried a little bit and had a panic attack but you know that’s for another day

🥺💕

[ambitionsource]

Who in the a class is in some kind of therapy?

what a question LMAO. but honestly, a very fair one indeed. while discussing this, es and i ended up basically dividing it into three groups (if someone isn’t mentioned, it just means none apply)

Is In Therapy Currently

Isadora || as we know from the canon of S3, isa is currently in therapy to work through the grief of valerie dying as well as like... the built up abandonment issues, anxiety, and struggles she has articulating or processing emotions lmao. it also helps her learn better methods to work with her autism

Farkle || i mean... we all watched S1 & 2. we know why he’s there LMAO and by god does he need it. it’s good that he’s improving though!!

Chai || she officially started therapy after the events of S1 while she was abroad because evidently her parents divorce really fucked with her emotional state and coping mechanisms -- as well as having sort of emotionally distant parents and having to navigate the world on her own. basically, money =/= nurturing. but yeah i think she realized what she did with tormenting her classmates wasn’t Healthy perhaps and so she sought out the resources to fix it on her own. her parents certainly weren’t going to be much help

Clarissa || clarissa has been in and out of therapy here and there since she was little, mainly for managing OCD. usually she’s fine and her appointments are infrequent (monthly at this current rate), but she tends to go back to her therapist when circumstances get very stressful, like the events of S2 (she mentions going back to therapy in a scene with charlie and haley in 210)

Not In Therapy Currently, but Has Before

Riley || though not by choice, riley went to therapy for a stretch of time in the aftermath of her bullying experience freshman year. by the start of S1, though, she’s on the tail-end of it after a whole summer full of it. she also had stints in family therapy when she was little when cory and topie were having their first bouts of marriage problems, but she doesn’t remember all that obviously. she’s thought about going back for herself because of all the divorce strain, but ultimately opted against it bc she didn’t want to go through cory or topanga. she mainly sticks to talking to eric if things get too overwhelming and using the coping mechanisms she already has

Darby || miss darbs spent some time in therapy in late elementary school due to having issues socializing with her peers. i think she’s always been a bit awkward and desperate to please, so that can get messy with kids cause kids are mean. she was also definitely bullied at that age for being really tall and so i think her parents put her therapy out of genuine concern just with the hopes that like, she’d be able to develop some coping mechanisms and have a safe space to get advice if they didn’t have the answers. and in some ways it helped, other ways no -- her friendships aren’t the healthiest still (as she’s the doormat), but i think she holds her own BETTER with the plastics having gone to therapy than if she never developed those emotional tools at all

Has Not / Is Not but Really Fucking Should Be in Therapy

LUCAS || this is like the most obvious blinking lights sirens wailing example ever. he is a walking textbook for endorsing therapy. between the domestic abuse, mommy and daddy issues, self-esteem in the subbasement, lack of life purpose, inability to read others well emotionally, inability to process his own emotions, the physical aversion due to his trauma, his kleptomania, his risk-taking behavior, his habit of lying, the fact that he has canonically walked off for days at a time with no warning, explanation, or safety net, that he sleeps in a fucking technician’s booth, he used to free-climb buildings SOMETIMES IN THE RAIN, no sense of self-preservation, intrusive thoughts, inability to express appreciation or affection in a normal non-stressful way...... this man is a therapist’s dream and nightmare. they could spend YEARS unpacking him. but will he ever go to therapy? no. because he a) doesn’t think he needs it, b) can’t ask for help ever, and c) could never afford it. and at this point, d) if his dad heard he was seeking help like that he would shut it down instantly. anyway, he’s the biggest case here. underline him in red

Charlie || charlie is a great example of someone who is like coping... sort of... not really... it Looks like they’re coping but they aren’t really and they really need help. like yes, charlie has stability in certain areas of his life that others don’t, and he’s extremely self-aware of his privileges, but i think that’s part of the problem. he’s convinced himself he doesn’t need or shouldn’t get external help because there are people who have it so much worse than him and he doesn’t... he doesn’t really need it, does he? he’s fine. he’ll be fine. and even if he did think about getting “help,” i think his first instinct -- and advice from others -- would be to go to his church leadership, which is not a suggestion made with ill will but just isn’t helpful considering half of his trauma is tied to his relationship with god and the church and faith. he needs a more objective space to unpack all of that, and obviously church itself is not the answer. i think that charlie will be able to work through a lot of his initial issues on his own with time and patience with himself (something we’re in the thick of right now -- we’re just barely in the acceptance phase), but he should really go to therapy in the future just to like... work through all of the long-term trauma he endured from his upbringing and bridgette’s exile and the dueling psychology of church vs sexuality. like... that’s gonna take some time to unravel and he needs to be in the right place to pursue that on his own. will he, i dont know, but i think when he does a certain heaviness he’s been carrying his entire life will finally like... lift. and he’ll be able to breathe better

Asher || so asher is a bit of a clusterfuck LMAO like he’s diagnosed officially with generalized anxiety disorder but he never saw a specialist, his mom diagnosed him since she’s a psychologist. the complexity here is that because of that... well, they say you should never let family be your personal doctors and i think that’s true for mental health professionals too. like emily basically gave asher the generic coping rundown when he was really young, and then he went on to develop his own coping mechanisms with, at least, a very fundamental understanding of what’s wrong with him. but he kind of developed his own complex about it all too, bc i think emily took pride in him being able to figure it all out and be so capable with his own mental health without ever going to therapy and he kind of internalized that, as well as having internalized a lot his mom’s perspectives and opinions as a mental health professional in a way that its like... well my MOM said that, so i feel kind of some type of way about it. so its all really complicated and twisted in his head and he just doesnt bother to unpack it (something, ironically, therapy would probably help lol). the thing about asher is that for all intents and purposes, he does cope well and he is really in tune with his own mental state. it’s just that he could seriously benefit from having an objective party help him untangle some of his neuroses i think and it would take some of the constant stress off his shoulders, but he’s honestly too stuck in his ways at this point to go. that being said, he’s a vocal advocate for therapy and its benefits -- just not for himself

Nigel || as discussed a bit in the ask i answered about him, i just think nigel carries way too much pressure on himself and he could benefit from someone helping him work through things instead of carrying all his stress on his own -- even if its less complex than some others. he’s like same range as clarissa.

Maya || maya has no issue with self-esteem, but i think she could still benefit from someone helping her actually unpack her issues over her dad and why she is the way she is. a therapist who specializes in narcissism would be a good fit for her -- not because she is one, but she does have... certain quirks where i think having that specialization can help unravel her motivations and actions a little more easily

Missy || she’s just a fucking mess. she shouldn’t be redeemed but i think therapy could really do her a favor and maybe make her less terrible and psychopathic towards people who aren’t like her. maybe

-- Maggie & Es

[festivegrant]

I personally view Buck as the kind of person that always tries to see the good in people and never actually cuts people off but continuously gives them chance after chance (for the most part). I mean look at his parents. He never cut them off despite how shitty they were to him and Maddie. Yeah they lost a son which is horrible, but they were still shitty to Buck and Maddie. And in 4A Buck talks about how he’s in therapy and his parents are in therapy with him ‘working things out’. Despite how much they have a complicated relationship, he never cuts them out of his life although low key i wish he just would cut them out but that’s not my decision to make. He did yell at his parents and I knew he wanted to curse them out but he still forgave them. And I know- before someone says it- I KNOW that Buck and his parents is completely different from his relationship with Taylor. I totally get that. But I’m just saying that Buck always seems quick to forgive and move forward. He doesn’t seem to like dwelling on the past (at this point in his life and for a while now) no matter how shitty it is because all it would do is make him feel horrible and halt his progress in trying to be a better person and cope better. He knew he could never count on his parents so it was easy to forgive. Maybe it was easy to forgive Taylor because he saw her for who she was at the time, just like with his parents. I am not surprised in a way that Buck forgave her and was nice to her. It just seems like an in character thing for Buck to do. Yes she crossed a line but idk he just seems like despite people wronging him or people he loves, he is still so forgiving and full of love. I hope this make sense? Maybe I’m reaching? But this is how I view Buck and forgiveness - not just with Taylor but his parents and others who have hurt and wronged him or people he loves. This is probably a reach but this is just how I view Buck as a person/character

edit: im putting my response under a cut bc this post is very long

hmm anon i think you make a good point. the thing is though, buck did distance himself from his parents. like, if we're defining "cutting off" as completely going no-contact with them, then yeah, you're right: he didn't do that. but their relationship was tarnished, and it took build-up and a moment of catharsis for buck to be able to forgive them. Buck didn't forgive them because they apologized genuinely; he forgave so he himself could heal. but he hasn't moved on from that. like, he's still in therapy. healing is a process; you don't just forgive and forget (that's not healthy or realistic). 

with taylor, it just didn't make a lot of sense?? like he wasn't the one taylor owed an apology to. she owed one to bobby. so it just doesn't make sense for buck to forgive taylor on bobby's behalf?? like, yes, he is full of love to give to so many people, but it's kind of arrogant to forgive someone on behalf of someone else. his character would not do that. 

but tbh all in all it's not that big of a deal. just a lapse in writing; nothing a simple one-shot couldn't fix lmao.

[mxsinistir]

*renewed and less angry* Opinion on the Ryuzaki Persona Theory

Disclaimer) Okay, reading my old journal entry about this topic. . . I was apparently just really angry about something when I wrote it?? And I honestly think that's hilarious bc yeah, I was mad about the theory but I just had no chill whenever I was writing it as a coping method. So this is my new level-headed, experienced-DN-theorist opinion on it. 

Also, I don’t have a Death Note blog so this is going on my Sherlock blog / Fandom blog instead of one-shots that I need to actually be writing. Deal with it. 

So, the RPT is basically the theory that whenever L introduces himself as “Ryuzaki” to the Task Force, he is not acting like himself at all, and he actually just stole the entire Ryuzaki personality from Beyond Birthday after solving his case in the same way he allegedly stole the identities of detectives Coil and Deneuve. 

So, I agree with most of this, and I’ll explain further later. This part never really bothered me, but the disagreement comes whenever the fandom tries and debates what the Real L (Or First!L) is actually like. 

A lot of the theory fandom that I saw at the time basically said that L was nothing like Ryuzaki. British, suave, completely healthy...? Lmao, what? 

So, might as well get this started by answering the main question.

Q) Do I think Ryuzaki is a persona?

A) Yes, to an extent. 

I don’t think Ryuzaki is vastly different from L. But, L has a pattern of stealing the identities (Particularly names, which is really fitting considering that Names are given a lot of power in the Death Note fandom.) So, I don’t think it’s unlikely that he took the Ryuzaki persona from Beyond Birthday. 

And I’d have no trouble subscribing to this part of the theory 100% if it weren't’ for the fact that it is said in LABB that BB took the persona from L first as an attempt to imitate him. 

So, my guess is that BB took traits from L to create Ryuzaki, confirming that L is at least similar to Ryuzaki, and Beyond was probably exaggerating a couple of the iconic Ryuzaki traits.  And then after being beaten, the persona was returned to L. But by then, my guess was that it had been modified by Beyond, even if he hadn’t noticed it. 

Basically what I’m saying is that while the theory is usually about saying that someone stole a persona from somebody else, my point of view is that basically the Ryuzaki Persona was passed back and forth like some weird game of telephone where it got slightly edited each time. 

So, because I don’t know how else to organize this, I’m going to list the traits I think belong to First L and which ones are just Ryuzaki.

L

1. Intelligence) This goes without saying, right? L is incredibly intelligent, and so is Ryuzaki.

2. Weird Mannerisms) Now, this is part of where the theory gets unclear because a lot of “First!L” theories disagree on what belongs to L and what belongs to the Ryuzaki persona. And basically, I think L did inherit some of his weird mannerisms from Beyond’s version of Ryuzaki, I don’t think he’s entirely normal underneath the person he presents. Especially since his weirdness continues into his Ryuga persona and basically throughout all we’ve seen of him in the show. Not to mention that literally every Wammy Kid is shown to have quirks that resemble the ones that L / B / Ryuzaki have. I don’t know what mannerisms came from who

3. Accent / speaking) For some reason there’s a theory that First!L actually has a British accent due to being raised in the UK. Accept his voice is literally consistent throughout the show, and none of the other Wammy Kids are shown to have an accent. I also don’t think that his manner of speaking would drastically change because of the persona. 

Ryuzaki) 

1. Autism / Aspergers) So it’s nothing new that there’s a fandom discourse about whether or not L actually is on the spectrum. At the time of my original post, I assumed that he was not faking it. But after conversing with LuckyKitty some more about this topic, she has convinced me that this is actually a part of the Ryuzaki persona. I don’t know if he’s purposely faking it or if his mannerisms just cause the appearance of Aspergers, but either way, I don’t think L or any of his personas actually find themselves on any part of the spectrum. 

2. Strawberries) This is a weird one, but hear me out. He acquired this from Beyond’s part of the persona because I promise you strawberries are not that sweet and L’s food love is for sweet stuff and the fact that he doesn’t just throw the strawberries off of his food is Ryuzaki’s doing, not L’s. 

Final thoughts

Would I say I subscribe to the Ryuzaki Persona theory? No, not really. Frankly, I actually dislike a lot of things about the theory itself. I think it feels like a fandom trying to make a character “Normal” and more “likeable” while taking them completely out of character out of the process. I think a lot of theories about “First L” take away huge chunks of L / Ryuzaki’s complex character. 

I think my overall thoughts about this are basically that Ryuzaki and L are still the same people. Ryuzaki is a name given to the Task Force, and it brings along with some amplified traits of L’s real personality. Maybe the name was a way to pay respect to Beyond’s death, which I believe happened right before L started on the Kira Investigation? (It would be really interesting if that’s actually what drove him to investigate Kira but that’s a discussion for a different time).

Basically, because I’m garbage at summarizing my thoughts, I’m going to use a quote from Irene Adler in Sherlock. “Every disguise, no matter how hard you try, is a self-portrait.” Honestly, I think that’s what Ryuzaki is. A way that Ryuzaki acts around certain people. Are you telling me you don’t act differently around different people?

So yes, I think Ryuzaki can be a considered a persona, and it was traded between B and L. But I don’t think there’s some hard difference between L and Ryuzaki’s personality. Ryuzaki, in my opinion, was an extension of L, as was Ryuga, Coil, and all of L’s other personas or identities or whatever you want to call them. So I can’t know L” ends and “Ryuzaki” begins or whatever. The best I can do is a Sherlock quote, apparently.

Yeah, so that’s my calmer analysis of this theory. I think my problem isn’t so much with the “Ryuzaki Persona” theory but rather with the “First!L” theory. 

I hope this makes more sense than the last opinion I posted on this. And I really hope to god it comes across calmer because I’m really laughing out loud for not remembering what I was so mad at in real life for me to sound that angry while trying to write. 

So yeah, that’s my TedTalk. 

[dragonflyxparodies]

bluestarsapphire said: No, I am full out not ok with turning Bruce into an abusive father. Cause we have enough of that shit in real life. How about Bruce learning how to move on from his grief and learning to trust and love again since he hasn’t really healed from his past trauma. We need more characters learning to heal from trauma from the past to show readers that yes they can heal too, no matter how broken you are. People take in what they read and if they see a fictional character ½

bluestarsapphire said: Taking the steps to heal themselves, then maybe they’ll start taking those steps themselves. Showing to much violence would just desensitize readers to actual violence, which in turn make them unable to recognize that level of violence as an terribly thing. Instead of terrible it’s a normal day thing “get over it, your to sensitive god.”

(Here’s to hoping I’m replying correctly?)

I mean he’s kind of always been mentally/emotionally manipulative if not outright abusive to his kids, the cross to the physical I find interesting partially because of the outright reaction of, no THAT makes him a dick/is too far. Which like it is, and it does. And I agree. There should be more comics/heroes that deal with the trauma they endure and showcase the healing process/coping mechanisms. Especially because the Batfam is so tragic and they don’t actually have superpowers to explain away the shit they go through. There’s huge potential there and would make a hell of a lot more sense with their characters then...whatever the hell is going on right now lmao.

But I disagree that showing too much violence is causing the harm. It does desensitize. But in this case we’re seeing Bruce’s beating of his kids as normalized and waved off as acceptable both in the comics themselves, and by the creators cuz they’re fucking idiots. And that’s where that harm is coming from. If Bruce beating Jason would have ended, for example, with Bruce coming back to the rest of the family horrified and him realizing exactly what he’d done and breaking down/trying to better himself because of it, that would’ve been a critical (if grossly sympathetic) story arc that could’ve been okay (except for the inevitable ‘i forgive my dad for beating me bc he’s my dad’ part that would’ve made me scream). Or having Jason finally give up on having a relationship with Bruce afterwards and just cut him out of his life - something that handled the situation with tact and care to not glorify the shitshow. Because I think you kind of hit the nail on the head; people could read these and see healthy coping mechanisms and processes and realize that they could do the same thing. By doing what they’re doing they are normalizing abuse; they are making beating your kids a normal thing to do. But I think they’re doing that through the justification and support of it, rather than just the depiction of it.

Anyway if you can’t tell I haven’t written Not A Paper in a while so I’m sorry if that comes off rude or something because that was absolutely not my intent. I really appreciate that you responded, and I hope you have a great uh...night? Day? Whichever you prefer lol :D 

[lonelier-version-of-you]

B, G, H, I, L, N, S, T

B: Are any of your stories inspired by personal experience?

Yep. I tend to draw from real feelings and assign fictional circumstances to them.

The Starless City ‘verse (the genderqueer Ollie fics) might be the strongest example of that: the circumstances were all made up, but the emotion and the questioning process was based heavily on my own experience.

‘If My Echoes Can Reach Your Ears’ and ‘Now It’s Too Late To Go’ come from a similar place too. (Especially the former - the rest may be fiction, but the internalised ableism is very real, and Henrik’s meltdown there was based on some I’ve had myself. Except I’ve never really had a John figure to help me out, that part was just self-indulgence, haha.)

I have some unpublished fics that are based on personal experience too. You can probably tell by now, but I very much use writing as a way of processing and understanding my own emotions. Some degree of removal helps a lot, y’know, framing it from someone else’s point of view.

(This is also why I write so much angst. Catharsis.)

G: Do you write your story from start to finish, or do you write the scenes out of order?

Start to finish, 90% of the time. Out of order is generally a bit too chaotic for me. I enjoy writing random assortments of scenes, don’t get me wrong, but I never actually get anything done with them.

H: How would you describe your style?

That’s a very good question. Unfortunately, I don’t actually know, and thus can only answer with this emoticon: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I: Do you have a guilty pleasure in fic (reading or writing)?

Well, I’m not sure I’d call it a guilty pleasure, but I probably enjoy angst far more than I should…

L: How many times do you usually revise your fic/chapter before posting?

Once or twice, occasionally thrice. I check for typos. I fix awkward sentences and switch out a few words for ones that I feel are more fitting. Occasionally I’ll add a few sentences, to make dialogue less stilted, or to describe something better, or to make someone more in character.

Were I to revise further, I would just become an anxious wreck about whether or not my fic was good enough, and I would never get anything posted, lmao.

N: Is there a fic you wish someone else would write (or finish) for you?

Absolutely.

Generally speaking, I’d love to read more Roxvid stuff. I’m willing to write it myself, but it would be nice to not have to make all the content, y’know?

Specifically speaking, I really want someone to do a fic on how That Night™ (i.e. Henrik’s suicide attempt) actually went down. We saw the aftermath, but there’s so much we didn’t learn about. (Like how the fuck did John find him? There was no indication he left a note or anything. This isn’t a hugely relevant detail but the fact that it wasn’t established bothers me, lmao.) I’ll probably write it myself at some point but I wish other people would try their hand at it too.

S: Any fandom tropes you can’t resist?

Look how much of my work consists of Johnrik looking after one another. There’s your answer.

More generally: I am, like, the embodiment of the “OH MY GOD THEY WERE ROOMMATES” Vine. I love Roommate AUs a lot, lol. Bookstore AUs and Coffee Shop AUs are also fantastic.

I love the “one character is injured and the other patches them up” trope too. With any ship, not just Johnrik. I was watching an episode of Community recently that parodied that trope and I was like “yep, this is every fic I write or love” lmao.

Unreliable narrators! I LOVE unreliable narrators, where it’s left up to the reader to figure out how much of the story is true (fictionally true, I mean, lol). Such a brilliant trope.

T: Any fandom tropes you can’t stand?

You know those fics where Henrik’s love interest (whoever it is in the fic) teaches him to ‘open up’ and be more openly emotional? And it ends up reading as ABA-lite? I HATE those. Trying to make your autistic partner act more allistic is not a cute or healthy dynamic, oh my god. The fics where his mental illness is basically cured by ~the power of love~ also suck. Henrik is not neurotypical, and you can write him opening up to people and coping with his mental illnesses and/or his autistic traits without making him neurotypical. He is not broken and he does not need to be fixed.

…Yes, I have a lot of feelings about those types of fics. I don’t think anyone can really blame me though.

[evilblot]

Literature tag game

Summoned by @bluenightfire so I shall now reveal my secrets to mortals. Enjoy.

1. How would you describe your writing process?

Once again, the answer to this depends on how much serious the writing matter is, but since most of the time it's just the result of my need for some "comfort" I guess it can be summoned by four simple steps:

Open a new Google document

Start throwing in words while internally screaming your sexual frustration

Observe the result in utter disbelief

Close Google documents

2. Can you give me a one-line description of your current WIP/s?

I'll give you the main three (3) ones:

13 reasons why my man did nothing wrong thus y'all'd stop hating him only because he has killed your hero.

Undead bald guy is more alive than his depressed human roommate.

Self-inserting for pleasure: a handy guide.

3. Do you enjoy reading your own writing for fun?

Sure, well, at least the most recent stuff.

Because I have to admit that when I've tried to reread my MediEvil fanfic I cringed so hard I almost vanished from this plane of existence lmao. Man I need to rewrite it asap...

4. What are your strengths and weaknesses in your writing?

I tend to add, or better, pile up details. Too many unnecessary details that slow down the narration, as well as my unexplained fear of short paragraphs but I'm working on them.

Also grammar sometimes tends to be a little off but being a non native speaker I guess it's a normal (but still not a forgivable excuse) occurrence for many writers here.

5. Is the cast of your WIP diverse? What kind of diverse characters feature in it?

My ME fanfic sure is, I mean as for now I got a Scottish Hungarian centaur, a Friesian Fazgûl, an Italian dragon lady and a couple Romanian freaks (I'd love to go into details but there are none yet lmao). Also I have a few unofficial OCs that I have yet to define their bios so technically the list keeps going but for now this has to do.

6. Do you feel comfortable writing about experiences you haven’t gone through (eg bereavement, serious injury, loss, etc)?

Sure I am, in fact I'm constantly writing stuff I've never experienced such as love, healthy relationships, affection... Ya know, stuff 🙃

7. Do you write comedic scenes often? How easy do you find them to write?

I usually drop a few in order to break the tension but otherwise I don't.

Not that I don't like them, quite the contrary actually, it's just that they rarely find their space in my plots so I rather avoid them than shoehorn them in.

8. What three things influence your writing the most? (Can be any kind of recreational media or a social issue you discuss in your writing or a specific person you admire and/or aspire to be like/impress)

In short I say the general lack of fandom content, the need to cope with my life and obviously the necessity of having a comprehensive guide to all my characters since my memory is terrible and often I literally don't know stuff about my own children.

9. Do you face-claim or fantasy cast actors/celebrities as characters in your WIP? If so, do you cast the same celebrity in multiple WIPs?

I've done it only for a couple characters, though it wasn't for literature purposes but for artistic ones instead.

Because the need for accuracy/realism is strong with this corpse lol

10. Do you write while having a full time job/college course? How do you make time to write?

It hasn't been quite unusual for me to write while attending classes, so I think that's a yes for me. And I do believe it also answers to the second question.

Even though the real problem for me isn't finding the time but rather gathering enough energy to do the stuff I need to do, and unfortunately, this applies to both recreational and academic activities... Blame it on depression as usual, you know the drill.

I had fun but I'm not tagging anyone.

[hamliet]

Part 3. Is it possible to ever just be free from it all. I hear so much of how abuse can hurt ppl physically and mentally & I just go back to hating them for it bc I don't want to deal with it. Ik what they went through & I know theyre human but no matter how many times theyre told they're wrong they just don't change.

Hey Anon, sorry I got your messages all out of order, so that’s why my answers are all scattered and separate! Under the cut again for subject matter!

Part 4 . I wish i could go to therapy but everytime i tried it just never worked. I'm scared that they're gonna control me for the rest of my life, even when they're gone. Not everyone has a Touka that loves and would wait for them & I feel like I'll never get to the point where I just know that I love someone

Part 5 I've done shitty things to bc of them. AND Ik they aren't good but these habits are so bad that I feel like they're apart of me. And everytime I try to change I just can't. Even if i try to talk to ppl

Oh, Anon. I wish I could just hug you right now. You are clearly in a lot of pain, and none of it is your fault, and you do not deserve this no matter what. Please believe me.

I think I will say this: you can’t control them. No matter what you do to make them change the only one who will ever make them change is themselves, and most people who are like that don’t change. Sometimes they do. I hope yours do. But many times they don’t. And that is an extremely painful thing to realize, because no matter how much I was angry, they were still my parents, and I wanted them to change. I wanted them to love me like they were supposed to. I wanted them to accept me and LISTEN to me like they were supposed to. And realizing that I had to give up on that was agonizing. It was a slow process, and give yourself time. It’s okay that it’s slow. It’s okay that it will take time. You are not losing years of your life to them. You are learning. Life is learning. 

The only one you can control is yourself. You’re 18. Get to a safe situation. Give yourself space--that will probably help. They cannot control you. You control you. Therapy is really helpful for gaining your God-given power over your own life back, but you also have to find a therapist who works for you. My first therapist? It did not work. Not that she was a bad therapist, but she was a very bad fit for me and instead of getting better I got worse. And then I found my current therapist, who is exactly who and what I need right now.

You are not broken, Anon. They have hurt you and hurt you, but you are not destroyed. You are worthy of love. I say this as someone who is 25 and single and honestly, not happy about being single: I also don’t think my life is incomplete. I hope I find someone sooner rather than later, but my life is full now. Years ago I did not think this was possible. I thought they’ve ruined me forever. They hadn’t, but it does take time. Give yourself grace and empathy and understanding for the time you need to heal. Let yourself grieve, because you’ve lost something every human being deserved: a safe environment to grow up in. It’s okay to be angry. That’s part of the process.  

Those habits you mention? They’re coping mechanisms. Are they healthy? Many of them aren’t (writing is a healthy coping mechanism for me, but trust me I have many that are not healthy). Once you are out of the immediate danger of the situation--because verbal/emotional stress is dangerous for your psyche and wellbeing even if it isn’t physical--give yourself space. Breathe. And then slowly, step outside. (Yes I’m quoting one of Ishida’s poems lmao.) Try to learn the world and discover what coping mechanisms are no longer necessary when you’re not in danger. And while you can look back at your coping mechanisms and acknowledge that ain’t right, you can also have compassion on yourself. You were a scared child trying to find a way to survive, and those methods helped you in some ways, but you no longer need them and so you can find other methods, more productive, healthier methods now. It’s okay.

You are going to be okay, Anon. You are tough to have made it through all of this. You shouldn’t have had to be so tough. Get to safety. Take your space from your parents and take it one day at a time. Don’t worry so much about whether or not you’ll ever reconcile or forgive; just take it today, and then tomorrow. (That’s really hard for me lol as a planner, but try.) And then try to find some help, a therapist who works, talk to your general practitioner for recommendations if you can. One day at a time. You’re going to make it. You’re going to be okay. 

[bartsugsy]

I know it's a slightly contentious point but given all this talk about Robert needing redemption - do you think Aaron has redeemed himself now? I know that the narrative doesn't really suggest he needs to, but he's got a pretty violent temper and has no difficulty throwing wrenches and beating the crap out of Robert because he's angry. I'd quite like them to acknowledge that and apologise, but it's unlikely as the show doesn't really recognise male on male violence as problematic.

hello this is an essay i’m sure we’re all shocked

ok like...

i need to disect this ask a little because i think the fundamental point it’s missing is how aaron’s violent tendencies has been used in the context of rob and aaron’s relationship vs how robert’s horrible decision making tendencies have been

so like... aaron throwing that wrench at robert’s head was the most horrifying thing i’ve seen all year and genuinely terrible but it was also used specifically to show just how much their relationship has disintegrated. like. that was the thing that made aaron get out - understanding that his mh had gotten to a place where he ended up violently attacking his husband and that their relationship had gotten so toxicly bad that it was going to end up literally killing one or both of them

it was the big sign that they were over, tbh

his violence towards isn’t used as a consistent problem in their relationship and if it was that would be a very serious problem. but, the whole point of that moment was that their relationship had become untenable and that the only thing they could do was break up

what i’m saying is i don’t think they necessarily need to redeem aaron for that moment, certainly not in the same way as they’re redeeming rob, because this isn’t a part of their relationship. it was a sign that their relationship had become something very different. it was a story tool to show how low aaron’s mh had sunk and what this relationship was doing to him - and the big pre-emptive reason why since then he’s tried (and failed) to stay away from robert as much as possible, why he absolutely refuses to go back there, why he literally said to liv that he’d spoken with his therapist and understood that that relationship was what he wanted, but absolutely not what he needed

the conversation aaron and rob have after aaron attacks rob says a similar sentiment - that aaron doesn’t deserve to feel the way he feels and that rob doesn’t deserve to deal with aaron having violent outbursts, which is what had just happened. 

after everything - buying drugs, the self harming again, the coldness towards robert, it took almost literally killing robert, an actual act of classic aaron dingle-violence directed towards someone he would never fucking direct it towards under any other circumstances, for aaron to call it a day. 

basically - this ask sort of implies (unintentionally?) that aaron would genuinely physically abuse robert in any other situation other than this very very specific and fraught one and that he wouldn’t immediately break up with robert and distance himself from the entire relationship afterwards, which i don’t believe is true. and if it is true then that’s a whole other fuckin Issue.

like. he’s not consistently throwing wrenches at robert, or beating him up on a regular basis. that’s not what this is and you... sort of make it sound like it is.... and there’s a big difference

but it’s not who aaron is and that’s not what their relationship is.

again - it was horrifying, but it’s not a running theme in their relationship (it’s also ur standard highly overdramatic soap storytelling)

(and i shouldn’t need to mention this but tumblr constantly makes me feel like i have to - obviously we’re working under soap morality here and not real world morality. irl aaron would have left robert the second he fuckin admitted to pushing a girl to her death. like. jesus. but it’s a soap.)

anywayyyy, contrast this with why robert is getting a whole ultimate redemption storyline - for every life he’s ruined, every bad decision he’s made. i think... on multiple occasions, aaron’s mh has deteriorated to the point where he’s, on multiple occassions, done impulsively terrible things in reaction to robert and has himself called out that that can’t continue, literally went to prison because of one of those times - and on a less extreme level, they’ve had the rockiest relationship in the world. like. there’s a reason why i started writing the break up guide - because they break up or almost break up a lot. a lot. 

narratively that has almost always been attributed to robert’s actions and even when it’s been more directly out of something aaron has done, typically you can still trace that back to aaron working off the assumption that rob will do something terrible, because of his past decisions. rob is who he is - he has cheated on everyone, he has threatened people, attacked people, tried to kill people, done dodgy shit - he’s... well, you know, he plays the role of a typical long term soap villain.

narratively speaking

- and again, i feel like definitely need to be clear that i’m talking about what they’re trying to do and have done narratively, as part of the story, not what i myself think about these characters or whatever - this isn’t about me thinking that robert is the worst person in the entire fucking world and aaron is a blameless angel who has never done a thing wrong and i’m certainly not implying that robert and aaron’s relationship is inherently terrible and damaging to aaron

what i’m saying is that robert makes decisions without thought to the consequences and that makes him a fun character to put in different situations and also a compelling romanctic hero when we see that the one person who he does try to consider, who he does genuinely care about, who he does not want to hurt, is the person he’s in love with. 

yes, the unintended consequences of robert’s decisions pushed aaron into a place where his mental health had entirely deteriorated and ultimately destroyed their entire relationship. this wasn’t ever ever what robert had intended and as a result of understanding how his decisions had caused aaron pain - the one thing he never wanted to do - he’s basically propelled himself towards a fucking breakdown.

he didn’t have a breakdown after literally killing someone. hurting aaron, though? remember how, during the reveal, robert says that aaron couldn’t hate him any more than he hates himself? this is literally all just.. a result of this.

but it’s led to robert making even more bad decisions. there’s never been a point where robert has sat down and honestly taken a look at why things have turned out this way

- just as aaron needed to almost fuckin full on murder robert to get the wake up call and also strength to completely break up with robert (and we know that usually they’re horrible at staying away from one another, so narratively speaking it did have to be that damn dramatic to make aaron’s attitude since believable), rob needs something that will be a wake up call to him to get him to change enough 

because if he doesn’t change? he’s dooming himself to be god damn miserable for the rest of his life and worse than that, he’s going to destroy a lot of people in the process

he needs to hit rock bottom and he needs to be able to take a look at how his decisions affect other people, aaron and everyone else around him. the incident alone, aaron falling apart, the break up - that wasn’t enough for robert to understand, because all robert is really able to understand or face at the moment is that he’s in a shit load of pain and doesn’t want to think about it

so instead he’s acting out (like a child) and avoiding everything completely and instead dedicating himself to his og goal of taking home farm (conveniently narratively tying in his 2015 actions to his current decisions)

basically, robert needs to redeem himself for everything and change because:

the show has made it clear that actually aaron and robert won’t work while robert is still acting as recklessly as he does with other people’s feelings and well-being - no more kissing random exes in the name of revenge or getting more money, no more acting out and knocking up said ex, no more scheming for money - he’s come a long way, the reveal shows that much, but it’s not enough that he’s gotten better at saying sorry to aaron, they need to move him a little more away from “soap villain” and towards “romantic hero” in order to accomplish what they want and get the robron relationship to where they want it to be

(and sure they could have written that robert was magically wonderful after being shot but that would be so much less compelling and so much worse storytelling)

plus robert has done enough bad since he came back that he’s the perfect candidate for this type of big, overarching storyline - and they wanted to get rid of the whites, which had to involve robert heavily, it had to, it would have been insane and a complete cop out for it not to

i’m not suggesting they need to nueter robert completely and make him a good and pure little nugget of humanity, but i think it makes sense that they want to really push robert to the brink and bring him back completely as a way that they can realistically (so to speak) have him spend a good period not fucking up too much (we assume, who knows lmao) and also a good way for aaron and robert to get back together in a way where their past issues don’t come up to destroy them all over again

they both need to go into this with a different understanding of one another and better communication skills in general but... like... one massive problem at a time lmao

and this isn’t something they need to do for aaron - aaron who consistently owns up to his mistakes and tries to be better and has spent his break up trying to channel his pain and heartbreak into healthy ways of coping

robert still needs his wake up call

plus, it’s a compelling redemption story (and hopefully continues that way) which, unlike who shot robert, is actually about him

[ksykesisdead]

Why Not?

Fuck it, I’m bored. Let’s bring it back to the old Myspace Bulletin Survey days and fill this shit out!

When was the last time you ate something containing chocolate? Just a few days ago... Delicious gourmet chocolates!

Are you more likely to listen to your friends’ advice, or your parents’? I don’t really listen to anyone’s advice, to be honest... So, neither?

If someone asks for your honest opinion, do you give it? Yes... Although I do tend to sugar coat things to avoid hurting peoples’ feelings. Yeah, I’m one of those... Sorry. Hah. But also... If I let my emotions get the best of me I can be extremely hurtful. I feel like there’s almost no in between.

What do you think of being “brutally honest”? Hmmm, I can definitely be brutally honest at times despite my statement above. It honestly depends how passionate I am, if I’m angry or upset, blah, blah, blah. But like I said, I try to deliver things in a way that isn’t too hurtful. I know how words can effect people deeply, and I always keep that in mind... I’m good at being a fucking dick though when I’m not handling my emotions well. I tend to tell people that they’re wasting my time. >.<

When was the last time you felt uninformed or out of the loop? In relation to current events and whatnot, it’s a constant thing.

When in a car, where do you like to sit? Shotgun biitchhhhhhh.

Have you ever fought with a good friend over something completely stupid? Oh, I’m sure. 

How did the two of you get past it [ if you did ] ? Fuck me, I feel lame for saying this, but “TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS” lmao (they may leave scars and shit,  but they heal eventually).

Would you ever visit a third-world country? I have, and I would like go back someday.

You’re planning a camping trip; what do you take with you? It depends on the circumstances of the campsite... But generally, the bare minimum.

Who do you take with you? THE BODEINE BOYZ and others!

Have you ever been lost in an unfamiliar setting? Yes! Many times... lol

Are you the type that’s too ashamed to ask for or use directions? Noooooo. 

You overhear two people gossiping about you; what do you do? I usually confront people in those kinds of situations.

You receive a letter from a secret admirer; what do you do? Fucking read it lol

When was the last time that your parents were disappointed in you? Fuck, I don’t know. 

When was the last time that you disappointed a friend? Probably earlier this week or even today. Or well, I don’t consider them a friend actually... So, I don’t know. :o

When you watch the news, how does it effect your mood? Well you see, I don’t watch the news.

When was the last time you felt that you had too much on your plate? It has been quite a while.

Do you ever have anxiety attacks? I get riddled with anxiety quite often, but I don’t believe myself to have ever experienced an actual anxiety attack.

Have you ever felt manipulated? Eh, somewhat. When I sense that somebody is trying to be manipulative, I either confront them or distance myself.

Are you on a diet? Nooooo.

What do you think of young children that already have body image issues? It’s really sad... It truly concerns me because I have been there, therefore I know how detrimental it can be to somebody’s mental well being. It isn’t all derived from vanity.

If you were homeless, how would you cope? I would like to believe that I would cope by getting my fucking shit together and turning the situation around.

Have you ever done something just to fit in? Yes I have. Guess what? More often than not, it just made me feel even more out of place and awkward.

When was the last time you tried to impress someone, for whatever reason? Very recently at a job interview.

If the world ends in 2012, what do you want to get done before that date? How old is this shit? lol it’s 2018!

Are there any family traditions that have changed since your childhood? We never really had any family traditions to begin with.

Would you rather have your friends or your family? Family... But I do love my friends and they mean the world to me.

What is one thing that you find annoying about the opposite sex? Well the things that annoy me don’t pertain to just males... BUT (lol), most of my male friends are those who blatantly check out females in a... gross (for lack of a better term) manner. It’s just a personal thing... I dislike getting checked out by dudes in general sooooo...

What is one thing you find annoying about your own sex? Again, it doesn’t pertain to all females... HOWEVER, I’ve witnessed many females who try to bring each other down. Like come on now, fucking empower one another for fuck’s sake. I just wanna see more females who are accepting and willing to empower one another.

What is your favorite thing about the opposite sex? I fucking love males man. Everything, really. lol

When was the last time you deleted a Myspace friend? What’s Myspace? lol

Does it get on your nerves when people constantly ask for picture comments? Again, how old is this shit? Haha.

You get a request from someone with 3423 friends; do you add him/her? Yeah, to see if anything comes out from it. You never know.

Have you ever taken a personality test? Yesssss. INFJ mother fuckers!

Have you ever taken an online IQ test? What was the result? I don’t think so.

Have you been to the library in your city any time recently? No. I should go some time soon, though.. I was thinking about the library the other day. 

What’s your opinion on religion in schools? I don’t have much of an opinion, honestly. 

Do you think that the world could function in a state of anarchy? Not so much. Haha.

How well do you know your U.S. [ or your country’s ] history? Not very well at all. I have forgotten most of what I had learned.

Would you ever wish to move to another country? Hmmm. Maybe some day in the far future.

Have you ever thought that “the grass is greener on the other side”? Not in those words lol.

What is something that you do that others might consider “nerdy”? I really don’t know. 

Name one unhealthy habit that you have? I smoke cancer sticks every here and there.

You see your best friend chatting with your ex; how do you react? I don’t have a best friend lol either way, I don’t think I’d care much at all.

Have you ever had anything expensive stolen from you? Plenty of times. Fuck you, thieves!

Do you understand / notice when someone’s using sarcasm? Usually, yeah. lol

When was the last time you were fooled? It has been a while.

What First Impression do you hope you make with other people? Hmmm. Uhhh, that I am personable, open minded, and relateable.

Have you ever thought about how you make other people feel / think? Uhhh, to a fault I’d say lol. I am very much aware... VERY much aware.

What is your stance on getting revenge? I am definitely not one that seeks revenge. I think that it generates more negative energy, and fuck idk. I view it as a sign of immaturity. Justice and revenge are derived from different seeds, if you ask me. I can write a whole entry about my stance on revenge.

What is the purpose of hatred? Ugh, I don’t think that I can say that there is a purpose. I think it’s just something we harbor when we are not able to process things in a healthy way... Something that’s fed by many things such as jealousy, a closed mind, insecurities, etc. Some people just handle things differently.

How do you decide whether to accept or not accept a friend request? I usually view their profile to see if we have any mutual friends or interests.

Do huge pictures and un-readable fonts [ on profiles ] bother you? The fuck. No? lol

It’s the first day of school; what do you wear? My go to outfit!! My Buttertones tee, black high waisted jeans, and my ankle booties!

Do you pick out your clothing far in advance? Noooooo. I only do that if I feel like I’m going to a special place or event.

If someone has no fashion sense, what do you think of him/her? It doesn’t phase me much at all. I don’t care.

If you judge, how can you expect to not be judged in return? I always expect to be judged. :p

Any wise/truthful/witty quotes that you live by? Since middle school I’ve always followed the quote, “there are no regrets in life, just lessons.”

Favorite comeback? I suck at those lol.

[smallblanketfort]

How did you get diagnosed with bpd? Did you suspect it before? How did you deal with it? Did you feel like anything changed after a diagnosis? Do you feel like people treat you differently when they know you have it? How do you deal with all the negativity around the diagnosis? ps: sorry for so many questions

it’s okay. i feel like a smart person would say, come off anon and let’s chat, but u know what, i’ll totally embarrass myself for the common good. oh man.

short answers. click keep reading for the in depth, tmi answers.

How did you get diagnosed with bpd? Did you suspect it before? short answer: self dx followed by psych. yes. kind of.

How did you deal with it?short answer: i feel like i’m still “dealing” with the diagnosis, and my stance on it changes constantly lol, but probably better in the beginning. it didn’t really change a ton for me, bc i felt like it was just a word for what i had already been experiencing. i decided not to tell anyone, so i didn’t feel like things had changed. at the same time i refused to believe it. i have tables and tables of notes in my journals, trying to convince myself in and out of it. i did know that to be healthy, i needed to acknowledge it. i tried.

Did you feel like anything changed after a diagnosis?short answer: it brought some clarity, some understanding and validation, that i think really helped me. sometimes it brought hopelessness, sometimes motivation. i mean, i was still the same person, just with a label. it started me on a road i referred to as resurfacing.

Do you feel like people treat you differently when they know you have it?short answer: depends on the person and how much they care about you as a person.

How do you deal with all the negativity around the diagnosis?short answer: i dont lol

babe i hope this helps a bit and idk. im being honest here, so idk how much comfort is here, but if you find any, good. be safe. lmk if you have other questions! happy to answer.

How did you get diagnosed with bpd? Did you suspect it before? short answer: self dx followed by psych. yes.long answer: i had a slight mental breakdown in uhhhh fall 2015-january 2016, and i work at the library which slows down in the winter. i was going a little nuts with nothing to do one day in late december/early january, so i planted myself in the mental health section and read all the requirements in dsm-iv book for mental disorders. i think i was half curious and half knew something was wrong. i had dealt with depression and anxiety in the past, but i felt mentally dizzy all the time, if that makes sense. just generally unstable and lost and worried. Not Okay. self harming and finding comfort in it. i was totally bleary going through my daily life and i felt extremely unstable in my relationships. i also was trying to work through this whole hallucination/voice in my head thing that sparked it in september(?). so i remember taking these books to the break room and taking these convoluted notes on tiny scraps of paper, trying to make sense of what was happening. i found the notes a couple weeks ago, and it was really weird, but i was so careful about it. i really didn’t want to feel like i had anything, but i was getting desperate. i would copy out the requirements and tally up what i had. i remember contemplating a couple things i knew i could diagnoses with by a doctor who didn’t care, like avoidant pd, but i realized it was definitely not the one, at all. when i read bpd, it took my breath away. i was shocked, bc it was like reading a book about myself. i remember getting goosebumps, and shaking. i spent months researching and researching it, trying to convince myself i didn’t fit the criteria. at the time i was in several psych classes, and one of my professors had us write a 15+ page paper about our own life and psych development. it was hella weird, but i ended up pouring myself into it and my psych prof, who runs his own practice was like “Lol yeah omg” and we chatted a bit and sure enough, i am most likely a bpd bug. i’m not “formally” diagnosed but i have talked to several psychologists at my universities about it and they’re all like “lmao yeeeah” so

How did you deal with it?short answer: i feel like i’m still “dealing” with the diagnosis, and my stance on it changes constantly lol, but probably better in the beginning. it didn’t really change a ton for me, bc i felt like it was just a word for what i had already been experiencing. i decided not to tell anyone, so i didn’t feel like things had changed. at the same time i refused to believe it. i have tables and tables of notes in my journals, trying to convince myself in and out of it. i did know that to be healthy, i needed to acknowledge it. i tried.long answer: idk!? like on one hand i was relieved like “okay so this is a thing with a name, now i can start attacking it. i was really good at mood tracking for about 6 months. no more lol. anyway, i still go through acceptance/denial cycles constantly. just today, i decided to watch youtube videos about it to prove to myself that i didn’t have bpd. my reaction? o shit i guess i have bpd. every couple weeks ill come across an article or video or something about it and they’ll talk about other quirks of bpd and it’s so accurate it’s scary. but kinda cool (like perceptions of time and such that dont really hurt anything, but i thought everyone had. whoops. just my bpd showing again lol) it’s like when i climbed over a wooden fence in colorado and realized i had a sliver in my leg and then when i got it out, i realized i had another sliver in my leg and then when i got it out i realized i had another sliver in m-and so on. it never stops really. maybe it’d help if i told more ppl. idk. 

Did you feel like anything changed after a diagnosis?short answer: it brought some clarity, some understanding and validation, that i think really helped me. sometimes it brought hopelessness, sometimes motivation. i mean, i was still the same person, just with a label. it started me on a road i referred to as resurfacing.long answer: i mean, i was still the same person, just with a label. it definitely brought gravity to it. sometimes it made me hopeless (can you even recover from a personality disorder?), but sometimes it brought me hope bc i wasn’t alone and there are coping methods made esp for me. it helped me understand myself and why i did what i did. it helped me be more proactive, and im getting better at it. it helped me accept some of my quirks, and helped me communicate. it’s a constant learning process like battle.

Do you feel like people treat you differently when they know you have it?short answer: depends on the person and how much they care about you as a person.long answer: lmao so like i haven’t told my parents yet, didnt have to since i was over 18. lately my mom is becoming more aware tho i think, and she’s being really supportive. my friends (irl and online, they all know) are really supportive and patient and encouraging and kind. they’re so great. the two ppl i dated since were lovely. about a month after diagnosis, however, i told my boyfriend of the time whose only response was “why didn’t you tell me this before i got emotionally attached to you?” :-) THAT fucked me up, but i still think it’s fair. lately im super worried about it though. 

How do you deal with all the negativity around the diagnosis?short answer: i dont lollong answer: so i had never heard of it before 2016 sooo i actually don’t really know about the stigmas even now? i try really hard not to hear about any of it, bc if i do, im going to shrivel and not have the confidence to be open about it, which really helps me and my relationships. being open about it is what destroys the stigma. at the same time, im totally terrified of telling my family for some reason. my mom used to say anxiety was a hat i put on, bc she was a nurse in the mental ward, so her view of mental illness is basically of non to low functioning people. she;s a lot more supportive and validating of it now but idk i cant.OKAY ALSO negativity with recovery high key sucks. for a solid year i was convinced that there’s no recovery and i’ll probably kill myself before im 27, im so screwed blah blah blah, but then i FINALLY starting finding resources that consistently said 50% of adults find themselves recovered after ten years. im also really working hard on self care and coping rn. making good choices for myself to hopefully stay as healthy and happy as possible.

lmk if you have other questions!

xo