#like £50 a week out of savings
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I want cute phone cases but I have an incredibly niche phone model so my b&w hello kitty case is literally the only one I can get :(
#whenever I ever get a job again I think I'll save for a new phone#once my savings are above 5k again that is#moving literally ate £5000 out of my savings like it was nothing and I get so little from UC that I keep taking money out#and it's a lot#like £50 a week out of savings#THAT SHOULD BE GOING IN GODDAMN IT
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sorry for the metadede flood lately um. anyway i think dedede officiates waddle weddings. if they even have them lol. it’d be funny and cute
#reason for the flood: thinking abt one idea means i get 50 more#one of these were drawn with the old pen! and my god it shows#one is also two sketches fused together (which ive had to do a lot lately) and…okay actually it’s still easy to tell but not bc of that#i am mad with power#meta knight#king dedede#kirbyposting#my art or something#i think my art ideas are probably very weird lol#but you know me i love a good shenanigan#if it’s any condolence i swear ive been working on less self indulgent stuff too lol#not…NOT self indulgent because it’s me and i like having fun#it’s my blog i do what i want or something#im juggling like 7-9 projects right now (and most of the time) so my progress on each is very random#i thrive off of goofiness#but yes that is why i do this stuff. and then the Big Serious Projects never get finished#half kidding. i have a lot of stuff at abt 80% rn#metadede#because i forgot if i need to tag when it’s already in the post lol#id probably save this for a few weeks out but i dont have anything else done and yeah im procrastinating on sleeping#wow i really do write an essay in every tag
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so fucking busy the rest of the year. being alive is awesome :]
#i have 4 classes this semester and 2 of them r music relateddd i love my major#my financial aid package FINALLY PROCESSED after like 7 months lol#so i just have to figure out disbursement#i have surgery in october to have a hysterectomy and oophorectomy#and then i am gonna be out of work for 4 weeks (but still doing classes lol...)#and i have 2 more cohorts to facilitate#and a training video and some projects to pull together#and a brainstorm session tomorrow#and im going to a baseball game for work on thursday!!!!! exciting!!!!!!!!!!#and if my finaid is as much as theyre saying it will be my rent for the rest of the year is paid#which would mean all my paychecks can go directly to#medical costs and other bills n savings#which puts me so fucking closer to moving out next year#if i play my cards right i can pay all my debts between now and march/april of next yesr#and then i will be able to fucking!!!!!!! move!!!!!!!#wait guys im emotional i had a shitty medical procedure i had to endure as part of pre op a d#literally in the last hour im back to feeling so fucking energized#ohhh my gd i love being alive please please please lef this work out#im gonna stART PLANNING W MY FRIENDS FOR A SPRING TRRIP NEXT YEAR?#AAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!! maybe even planning another trip w 19 bc i saw a cool cabin to stay in LMAO#just. yells. oh my gd#please please let this work out even 50% of the way of what it looks like it could be
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every little break i take i just feel even more desperate for a much much longer break -_- what do you mean my burn out isn't fixed yet i've been resting for like TWO MONTHS <- person who has still been working ~30 hours a week on top of taking care of a household of 4 including a preschooler
#i suppose just bc it's better than 50+ hour weeks doesn't mean it's resting#but i only worked 10 hours last week!!! <- was sick for half of it#STILL#i think it should only take one week to recover from nearly a year of 40-60 hour work weeks#like no offense but i'm built different#i should be able to turn off burn out just like i can turn off caring about people#i USED to be able to just turn off stress-induced breakdowns <- person who is currently facing the consequences of that action#silverstarschat#siffrin save me. save me siffrin
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losing battle against my demons..... they want me to buy acrylic markers....
#i have CASH but if i wanna buy smt online id need money on my card. which i do not have and theres still another week till i get paid#i have like 50 lei on my revo and i need an 80...... AND LIKE#i have savings but god help me if i go there im trying to be RESPONSIBLE#shut up dave#dawn is encouraging those guys also. im not getting out of here alive
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Day two of rapidly pounding down two to three cups of coffee in one sitting like a fucking maniac:
I did my dishes, disinfected and de-scaled my kitchen sink, swept the floors, rearranged the ingredients I have out on the counter, wiped down my microwave, the stove, and the countertops with vinegar water.
#I am slowly turning into Captain Janeway#Actually ADHD#The coffee was still watery so I need to put more grounds in for the taste but I feel the level of caffeine is good for me#Maybe I should buy a bag of Turkish coffee from the Arab-owned café because holy shit it’s amazing#But not now I need to get groceries and then not spend anything for the next two weeks#Except to purchase a rolling island for my kitchen on Marketplace which is allowed because it’s cash money not bank money#Bank money pays the rent and utilities and needs to be conserved.#Cash money is for local purchases that cannot be paid electronically so it doesn’t count if I spend it#because it‘s not used for the same things#I’m still frugal with it but it is infinitely less stressful to spend it because I view it as “extra”#And it sounds like I’m being careless but actually I’m being extra careful because if I buy something electronically#I assume I have less money than I do because I don’t count the cash money with the bank money#If I don’t have enough to buy something with my debit card I wait it out and don’t put my cash money in the bank to cover it#However if I earn 150 dollars pet sitting I may decide to put 100 dollars in savings and use the 50 as cash money#but once I make that decision there is no going back#The same works in reverse: I never withdraw bank money to turn it into cash money#And the rule is if I put money into savings it shall absolutely positively not come back out again until I need it for a goal#like a down payment on a house or something… which is a LONG way off#Although I may pull from it to fund my adaptation in the near future… still deciding#Wow I did not mean to talk about finances ahsbsjdndnsks#But yeah I’m really good with money so if anyone needs budgeting/penny pinching tips please do hit me up#Don’t ask me about investing or cash back though… I don’t understand them#and if I don’t understand something I won’t use it
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I snapped today at work, and by snapped I mean I politely commented on a help desk ticket by summing up an mess of an (type of) issue that's come up for at least the fourth time in the 2+ months I've been managing user accounts, and asked the person responsible to fix it (himself for once) because last time I fixed his mess-up it took me two whole days to work out the details with at least four other colleagues from different departments and I really don't want to do it again. there's other shit that needs doing, I've been working 10+ hour days for most of this week already, so I need to cut down not add on more.
(good thing tho - at least we managed to fix the issue where the dataset of a newer employee got mixed up with another one of the same name and therefore wasn't able to apply for any of the access/accounts she needed. technically not entirely my area but it does impact us not being allowed to create an account for her so I figured I might as well track that issue down. took three days and at least three other people, but hey - it should all work out now. yay for that)
#been feeling anxious af ever since bc it's the first time I've been this firm in a reply and idk how they'll take it#there's underlying issues in inter-departmental communication that need fixing that cause these issues to happen again and again#but my boss is on parental leave and his substitute is sick not that she cares or is up for doing her job where communication is concerned#so there's no real sense in addressing that rn esp by me who's only been there since June. but it does frustrate me a lot#anyway. I'm sure I'll get over this too. but yeah.. ppl not thinking things through for the two mins it takes to create an account#or the twenty seconds it takes to check if one already exists before creating a new one#or the minute it takes to check if folks still have an active contract past their time working in your department before deleting an accoun#just jfc. put in a smidge of effort and five mins total and save the rest of us from spending half a day to fix your mistake#oh well. if I get a pissy response I'll just blame it on being new as an intern and being too motivated and idealistic I guess#god forbid I expect people to do their jobs thoroughly or with at least a singular thought..#anyway. I feel like I'm allowed to be grumpy abt this since we are the folks who end up having to fix this shit#and by we I mean pretty much mostly me at this point bc one colleague is sick atm. my boss barely has time for this and is on leave#and my other colleague only works half time so I'm the one who's been handling most of these over the past month or so#which.. is still insane considering how I'm a goddamn intern who shouldn't even have admin rights tbh#but without them I couldn't do anything at all lol so here I am. nice that they trust and believe in me I suppose#that's why I try to do my best. (who am I kidding that's always the case anyway)#but yeah. definitely a 50% staff support job and only 50% of the other important things that need doing rn it's more like 90/10#and it's funny how I still dread my two hours of hotline. but every time the line is too busy I still jump in#we are also only 6 people atm out of 10 and three of us are still in training. and one of the trained folks had to come back in mid time of#next week we'll likely be 4#depending on if our substitute boss lady is back.. not that I'd look forward to it. she's a mess and she's been horrible to deal with latel#sure. she's stressed. but she's either snapping at me when I ask abt shit I can't know yet or she's ignoring me. great basis for team work.#so honestly I'd rather she not return on Monday. esp not if she's gonna spread her germs everywhere#but now sleep. sorry for the rant. it's certainly been quite the month since I returned from my own wisdom tooth rated sick leave..#gotta be up again in 6.5 hrs so I can be at work at 6 to let the electrician in. I'm gonna sleep so hard over the weekend I stg#a day in the life of..
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ugly maths.
i hate maths, right. i don't usually like numbers, and if i do like numbers it's gotta be an 8 or a 48 and nothing else.
thing is, i've recently caught myself doing maths again. ugly maths. the kind of maths that, really, i've been trying to avoid as much as possible because, well, it's ugly!
you... wanna see?
okay, fine... but don't say i didn't warn you!
ugly, see? look at all those numbers! not a 48 in sight!
huh? what's that? you don't see what i'm on about? oh... oh! hang on, lemme just—
better? yes? no? no? okay, what if i—
mmh, yes. ugly numbers. see it now? can you see why they're ugly?
here, i can make it worse.
these numbers are ugly. the maths they make me do is ugly.
now i'll level with you: the worst ones by far are the yellow numbers. the maths they make me do it the ugliest.
why ugly?
because it makes me ugly.
those numbers turn me into not only a suddenly number-obsessed fool, but a fool who also cannot understand these numbers and what they mean and why i feel like they reflect on me and my ability.
87, 75.
the thoughts are as follows:
• the orange numbers are big, so why are you being ugly about the yellow ones? you should be happy with what you have. so many nice big numbers! not everyone receives that.
• is it that there are two different audiences for these two different fics? perhaps. they are quite different works, with different appeals, and different themes. maybe you are reading too much into it.
• why are you obsessing over numbers anyway? you don't like maths! you left maths behind when you were 16, put it down!
okay, okay, fine! i'll put the maths down. right here, in fact!:
that 87 was an 83 at the start of the year. the 6161 it is attached to was a 5453.
4, 708.
ugly maths.
the 75 is a nice number. in fact, compared to 87, it is beautiful, radiant, enchanting. at the start of the year, 75 was 48. wow. now that is one sexy number!
27.
mmmm.
6161, 1061.
5100.
87, 75.
12.
mmmm.
you know, my most favourite comment left recently on a fic of mine was 2 characters long: :(
it made me :)
well, actually, it made me >:) because it was left in response, presumably, to one of the key scenes in a new chapter which left the exact impression on someone that i hoped it would.
they must be the only one who reacted like that, though.
1.
have i mentioned that that 87 and 75 include author responses?
i won't try to do more maths, there. it might not end well for me. the maths is making me tired enough as it is, and i have an early start tomorrow.
oh! but, that being said, i have another set of ugly numbers to show you, so keep 87 and 75 in mind.
ready?
838, 245.
(want a hint? the green numbers!)
838, 87. 245, 75.
9.6, 3.3.
ugly maths. it's ugly again, see? i don't like it. i'm seeing numbers within numbers within numbers, and i can't seem to stop!
the numbers make me ask new questions:
• why is it not good enough?
• people seem to engage more with one fic over the other, so shouldn't you prioritise?
• is all this maths this really good for you?
no, it isn't.
i want to avoid ugly maths. ugly maths makes me want to tear my hair out. it makes me want to start from scratch. it makes me want to grab someone and scream. it makes me want to cry and press a button that has tempted me many times before when the numbers become too ugly to bear.
ugly maths turn me into an ugly person.
ugly maths make me obsessive, paranoid, anxious, regretful, vindictive, spiteful, alone.
i hate maths. i hate numbers, just like, it feels, the numbers hate me.
#helia rants#cw vent#i'm okay but i'm not#this has been playing on my mind over the last couple of weeks#it's aimed at the sky rather than anyone here#i know i'm not the best myself as commenting. i justify it to myself by affirming i don't read much. which i don't.#since the start of the year i have tried to comment on everything i have read#bearing in mind i may also dm someone rather than comment because i want to scream and ramble about their fic more personally#that being said. i know i'm not the only one who finds themselves doing ugly maths#and in turn starting to feel uglier too#i don't like looking at the numbers#i was doing well at the start of the year#but as i open my drafts and look to a new chapter and at the notes i wrote#i can't stop myself from opening the fic. from seeing where it's at. from seeing if it's changed. from checking my inbox to see if...#if only...#what it's meant is that i've come to a point where a fic i loved has become exactly that: a fic i loved. past tense#the other fic is still a fic i love. but i know deep down that that is tied to the numbers too#i hate that this is what i've become#because i have tiny fics. fics with 50 hits and maybe 1 comment. and i love them. i still love them#but when it comes to the big ones. the multi-chapters. the hefty fics. after a point all i see are numbers#and those numbers have come to determine both my happiness and fulfilment as a writer#and so i am ugly. i am sad. i am pathetic.#and i don't know how to stop.#helia's stuff#this was meant to save back into my drafts. i was editing tags. tumblr decided it should post. so... so be it.#also this is not an attention thing if anyone dares go 'oh but you're a good writer uwu' i might do something we'll all regret#this is also not a 'ffs comment on my fics will you 😒' hell no#it's just about me. and my issue. and my unhealthy relationship with these fucking numbers.#gotta get this shit out of my head somehow :)
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6 bucks in savings as opposed to the 300 we started with im so good at money
i didnt spend 50 bucks buying match n i food yesterday. i didnt.
#bloodletting#in my defense. 120-50 every 2 weeks OR MORE bc the pay period was garbage. is not enough to save.#250 a week is a fucking dream and its a regular 2 week pay period too#as long as [g] isnt working w us again. only lost like 30 minutes of clocked in time but still. bitch ass. i need this.#and im dontating to people like almost every day. not until i get paid again unless#someone reaches out but thats like#bc i still have a week 2 go and 50 dollars 2 my name
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This is the only way to express how I'm feeling
#i try not to talk about my home life on here but im honestly so fucking frustrated that if i dont get this out i might just kill someone#my family car broke down in January of this year#my father refuses to get a new one because he thinks hes saving so mucj more money and he doesnt feel like he has any incentive#acting as if he was giving us free trips#i would literally pay him 100 dollars a fucking week to help take me in and out of work#and he just doesnt like acknowledge that at all#so now im having to take ubers to and from work every day. each trip is like 20+ dollars so that 40+ dollars a day five days a week#im averaging spending 200 dollars a week jusy to get into work#and i work a minimum wage shitty fucking job so all of my paycheck goes straight into ubers and fucking therapy every week#ive had to skip so many sessions becaause theyre all 50 dollars after insurance#and im just so frustrated#i want to move out so bad but how can i save enough if im constantly hemorrhaging cash#the only reason hes saving money is because he fucking works from home#i just dont know what to do at this point i feel so helpless#becayse even if hou casually bring it up my dad immediately assumes youre ATTACKING him and how DARE you and im tited im so fucking tired#how am i meant to move out in these conditions#how am i meant to do anything#i have no fucking social life because i literally just cant afford it im going to cry#i hate him. i hate my dad so fucking much#vent#ig.#scringee mouth
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children of immigrants get their first Big Job and then
BOOM
scarcity mindset
#my brain is so annoying#bc if it’s not obvious i was raised w money#(dad got paid in USD in brasil + saved up + we lived in an apartment instead of a house)#(we also had AC + ate out at least once a week + went to rio once every few months)#but my parents raised us to only want to buy necessities#and take advantage of every deal!!!#and that’s evolved into#1) me only going into the office today bc they serve lunch#2) me going to the office w tupperware to take extra lunch for dinner#even tho i can obviously afford food (both takeout + cooking)#and like#idk#in my head i tell myself#‘u have free food for half the week so that makes all other food 50% off’#and then i buy a Big Lunch in the weekend#which i save for weekend dinner#and tell myself ‘it’s actually 75% off bc math’#and idk#this is prob just normal ppl stuff#but then i see my co-workers throw away food at lunch#and i’m like ‘maybe i (the only tupperware bringer) am not normal’#the adjustment period of learning to manage Adult Job Money For Living rather than College Job Money For Having Fun#dash rambles#first world problems#pls ignore bc ik i sound annoying
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there was no preparing me for how lonely post-grad life would be lmfao
#I’ve finally cut my mom off#I have like four total friends and only one who lives here#I work 6 days a week at a smoothie shop where the owner treats us horribly#but I stay working 50 hour weeks bc I need the money for a car & to keep saving for grad school#I finally bought my own health insurance#but apparently it doesn’t matter bc no psychiatrists will take me#even tho we’ve called over 10#my therapist has all but ditched me#it’s been almost a year since the most devastating relationship loss of my life#and while most days I have made my peace with it#I am still sometimes so full of hurt & confusion & regret & longing & the urge to beg on my knees for things to be fixed#my relationship with food is so fucked#I am looking everywhere for the joy in living and I am not finding it#I know it’s there I know it is#but I cannot feel it I am so lonely I am so out of my depth#my mom got rid of the dogs without telling me#I am so desperate for help that I can’t seem to get in this useless country#I want a hug so badly that I am literally have dreams where someone hugs me#I want my mom to just be good and normal and not awful to me#I want to go home but it feels like an intangible place I can no longer go to#i don’t know if there’s any fixing that#I am trying so so hard to be good#and yet I still lose everything & I can only assume the problem is me#but I just want#to be fixed
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and also paramors tickrts
#i know taylor has afterpay so more thsn likely oll use that if paramore doesnt have that option#bc some tickets dont 😭😭#parx for brisbane didnt and now im going to sydney for tbat 👩🦯#but i have a good feeling abt both if these and ill still have $75 in my savings#like genuinely the fact that in doing p well w my money is good#i have $50 cash that i took out and will either spend on yobacco or weed deoending on how i am w both of those towards the end of the week#bc realisticslly all i gotta dl is make it to next wednesday#which ive somehow convinced myself is closer than i think#and ive got $290 still#but $250 of that iz for fucking concert tickeys honestly 😭😭#anyway. wooo#i even managed to buy my own food this week#and so far so good w that#ive got some of a meal pla in my head on how im gonna Make It tbe rest od the week without eating anytging my dads bought#which is harder thsn i ghought bc i forget what i bought w my money sometimes but#woooooo.#i feel vvv optimistic abt this all in all#despite my impuslive spending i do pretty well with money whrn my heads screwed on right and i feel Okay mentally#anyway !!!!!!
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HEY HELLO I LOVE YOUR WRITING SM I'M SO JELOUS MARRY ME???/j
awww thank you so so much!! 💗💞 I absolutely would marry you (*´∀｀*) i hope you don’t mind but i checked out your blog aesthetic is literally so pretty?? i’m very jealous of people who know how to make a pretty profile!!! i adore the color it’s so pleasing to the eyes!! i also checked your writing and it’s very nice!! it’s easy to read and understand and i also respect the first post being one about deuce! <3
i also really love the genshin emotes, makes me happy to see another fan ehe so here’s one in response, as faruzan’s got to basically be my main besides wanderer because i adore her so much?? play style is absolutely fun despite only being c4 i crowned her. my wanderer is like triple crowned and has cons with a BIS but I still love faruzan so much—. she’s literally so cute!! (´・ω・)
#questions of styx.#i also promise im working on reqs i just am busy!! ( ^ω^ ) but i hope to get one out by the end of the week!!#also thank you for about 200 followers!!#the tags will have nothing to do with writing or the ask anymore i just need to hyperfixate my mind for a minute!!#i ended up getting transfixed on hq again especially hq-bu but realized that the person i used to read from has sadly stopped translating :(#so naturally i did what any normal person did and looked up the raws and translated myself and wow that is a LOT of work just for me to read#im not too good at translating with the redrawing or fonts but i still tried hard?? despite likely not posting them because im not sure if#people still want to read hq-bu on tumblr but at least i can reread my hyperfixation whenever now aaa#i also started a bows only playthrough and proud to say i have no standard character 50/50 beside tighnari!! hoping that won’t change#i have high pity on weapon banner with yoimiya’ bow being my aim but im so scared im at 62 pity and might end up getting yae’s on bow only#i have r3 rust so do i risk it or do I got for the tp for that crit damage because i don’t wanna artifact farm my precious fragile resin#but then again i could get rust cons and go for r5 if i fail tp and just start saving for hopefully childes next rerun to get him and ps#sorry for treating the tags like a personal diary but my thoughts need to be explained somewhere (｀・ω・´) my ganyu manages to hit 30k#with melt though at lvl80 with 20/200 crit ratio which sounds bad but 20 passive + 15 resonance makes it 55 + food buff makes about 60-70#so it works out for now since i only just hit ar45 and need to artifact farm a lot for her and wt is through strongbox luck and i have only#done yois domain which is surprisingly easier now that I have ganyu
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okay, so: i’ve been grumpy about How Slowly Revision Have Been Going (coming up on.....almost a Year......), because it’s felt like i’ve been trapped in The Beginning This Entire Time.
however: i’ve input most of what i’ve done so far, and it’s uh. 78 pages?? which. isn’t an insignificant chunk. and i’ve finally cracked what my major hangup was re: the slowness (in text, not in life although life hasn’t been a mystery for a while lol) and i’m slowly unfucking that, so. i think i’m feeling pretty good, all things considered??
#text#personal#writing#in btw#driscoll#AND unfortunately momther's presence is a Major Words Inhibitor lol#i want to hang out with her when she's here and now we're both here at the same time lol#(she's been away this week i've gotten so much done)#AND ANOTHER THING:#since i've input these 78 pages i'll be saving that much time on the back end of this book?#like usually i do paper revisions all the way through and then input the revisions all the way through#but splitting it like this means 1. it's fresher in my head and 2. i won't have to do ALL the computer revisions at the end#(just the unfucking touchups lol)#(so far those have been bigger chunks of additions and a few minor line tweaks in other spots)#anyway i feel pretty good i think??#and it helps to see my new printed stack of what i Have Done So Far lol#i'll probably take typing to words date with friend tomorrow because i'm not getting much deep focus done during those dates#but all that's left is the mall and then i'm caught up to the marshall scene where i ended in....october.....#i mean i still have to fix the framing stuff in the intervening 50 some pages i've got so far but. i know what i'm doing now.#i think.#ANYWAY I FEEL GOOD ABOUT IT I'M GONNA GET ORGANIZED AND JOURNAL ABOUT IT PROBABLY
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i worked onmy ermmm. little good habits reward sheet a lot .. im pretty excited :] i was gonna wait to start it until ive moved home bc a lot of the things r home specific (like spending time with loved ones etc) BUT i think im gonna go ahead n start it tmrw... i think itll be good to go ahead n get started on it b4 i move back that way its not such a big transition bc i think thats why my like. plans t get better when i moved up here. failed. so horrifically lol. bc i didnt give myseld any lead in i just made a huge change and then got upset when i didnt immediately adjust.
#i do eventually wanna move back to wa on my own bc i feel like. i didnt rly get to spend time here due to the everything. i just dont think#i was at all ready. and thats entirely on me i chose this i ignored literally everybody around me telling me it wasnt a good idea#i brought this all on myself. but i wanna try n improve#n im excitedd!! i think next year/whenever im Fr ready. im gonna try n move out to my old hometown#since my family moved away from it#which i think will be rly nice bc ill like. be independeny but in a familiar place and like. still close to home. ill still be able t have#the same insurance etc etc..#itll get rid of a Lot of stressors basically. and ill be able to visit family way easier !!#plus my hometown is way more walkable and since. idk if ill ever be able t drive just bc of like. my general nature#thats something im rly rly looking for...#i think my new goalsheet is rly well balanced as well. its likee#its based on thise little metallic walmart star stickers bc i miss those rly bad#thats the entire inspo. obv rn itll have to be digital bc i cant get my little star stickers#but. its like a points system#red is 5 points yellow is 3 points green is 2 points and blue is 1 point#(might move them around to make green 5 points bc green was my star color when i was little lol)#and each point is worth .50 cents. and so however many points i have at the end of the week thats how much money i get t have in my like#personal acct. and i get to use that however i want#and everything else will go to likee. savings and bills (i wont have bills for a while but yk)#and i even have likee. a streak system#i need to work on that sl its like balanced. bc idk if it is rn#my idea was t just have it be like. bc th way it is like#the tasks r split up by difficulty. more difficult tasks earn different colors#so my most difficult on there rn is to go for a walk#/ go to a public place / spend time outside#rly that goal is rly geared toward my hometown but im still gonna try n do it in my parents town... yk :] like i can ask my mom t take me#to th library and stuff. bc i wanna start going more#we went to th one here a couple times but it kinda got. shelved. yk. and i miss it#the one in ny hometown was rightt by our house and i never went#and im mad abt kt.
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