#like ????? do you not understand how self harm even works then 😭

[autistic-katara]

there r fics that make u insane (so amazingly good it’s removed ur sanity) and then there’s fics that make u insane (you need to fistfight the author for how they did a specific thing that caused u to rant for hours)

[mainfaggot]

I wish I didn't tell one of my close friends that I cut. she really didnt get it when I told her about it

[eatmeandbirthmeagain]

So happy your back!!!😊😊❤️could you please do one where the readers (Baldwin Iv’s wife’s) mind work differently, for example she doesn’t understand jokes or sarcasm, doesn’t pick up on social cues, brutally honest, obsessed with organization and cleanliness, but very smart and kind and she’s very self conscious because she knows she’s different and Baldwin reassures her that her mind is a gift from god, and that he loves her, later on Baldwin hears people gossiping about her because she’s different and gets angry and confronts them and defends her. Thank you! 😊

♡ Gift From God - King Baldwin x Reader ♡

♡ Fluff ♡

A/N: Hello Anon! Thank you for the request and your kind words 🩷, I'm so sorry this has taken so long to get to, I have been so busy 😭. I hope you enjoy! As always, this is based on the film Kingdom Of Heaven, not the real historical figures. Enjoy!

TW: Leprosy, Self Doubt

Y/n had always been different. For her entire life, she never truly felt the same as everybody around her.

Not her brothers and sisters or her friends. Especially not her parents. Her father was a lord with much land. He was powerful and required respect.

Many times through her life he had become angry at his daughter for speaking out of turn during important meetings or events and embarrassing him.

Y/n was intelligent. Women were not supposed to be intelligent, they were supposed to bear children and take care of their husbands. They were supposed to be silent.

Y/n was far from silent.

She spoke her mind. She simply couldn't help it and did not understand why so many were offended by her. She never meant to harm anybody, it just happened.

Her intelligence left many feeling threatened by her with the blunt remarks and witty replies. Because of this, she had been rejected by many men who her father wanted her to marry.

The young lady was kind, organized, clean and tidy.

“I would make a perfect wife!” she thought one day. “Why am I not enough?”

She felt alone in the world for many years, until he came along. The king of Jerusalem himself who her father had arranged for her to marry.

No matter how much she protested this, her father was insistent.

Y/n had come to believe she was unlikable and would never make a good wife. It wasn't that she did not want to be married, she simply believed that no man would want to marry her.

But this simply was not the case. From the day he laid eyes on her, Baldwin was in love. She was beautiful. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen, and after speaking to her for the first time after the wedding, she was even more beautiful in his eyes.

Her words were like magic, leaving him hanging at the end of each sentence. He loved how she spoke so honestly.

To the young king, she was different to every woman he had ever met. She was unique and reassured her of his such feelings. He loved everything about her.

The two were a perfect match. They played chess, studied in the library, and had many deep conversations well into the night, lying side by side in a comfortable bed.

They spent every possible moment together.

Y/n had been nervous at first, desperately trying to remember everything her mother had taught her about being a good wife, but her nerves were soothed with each moment she spent with her new husband.

Baldwin was gentle and kind, patiently reminding her of social hints that she missed in public and doing everything he could to stimulate her sharp mind. 

They had been wed for a few weeks and everything was perfect. The castle had taken a great liking to their new queen and Baldwin could not be more pleased.

She fit right in.

Until one day, the young king overheard something that made his blood boil.

Guy De Lusignan, his sister's husband, sat in the dining room, speaking with a small group when Baldwin heard him mention the name of his wife.

The young king stopped to listen with his ear against the door.

“She is a total freak,” the older man said.

“Can't take a joke, blunt and cold. I don't know what the leper sees in her. HAH! What am I saying, they are perfect for eachother! They can hide away in his chambers and play chess all day like the freaks they are-”

Baldwin had heard enough and pushed open the door, taking the air out of him slightly but he did not care.

“How dare you speak ill of my wife! Not just my wife but your queen. Show some respect for your higher ups, you ungrateful bastard!”

It was not often that the young king raised his voice, but when he did, even the most arrogant listened.

Baldwin even shocked himself with the sudden outburst.

“Y-yes my lord. I apologize” Guy stammered out, standing and taking a small bow with that half smile Baldwin despised.

“Get out of my sight. The lot of you” he growled sternly.

The group obliged and scurried off, leaving Baldwin to his thoughts.

He took a seat at the table with a pained groan. How could this happen? Why did Guy have to be so cruel? He simply prayed that his beautiful wife never heard that rotton man speak about her like that.

It would break her heart.

She had been doing so well, finally accepting herself and coming out of her shell and all.

-----------------

Baldwin returned to his chambers to find y/n tidying up his desk. Upon noticing him, she turned to her husband with a smile.

“Hello darling! I figured I would tidy up a little while you were out!”

Baldwin smiled, his heart relaxing in her presence.

“Thank you my love” he said gently, taking his wife in his arms.

Pleasantly surprised by the sudden affection, y/n wrapped her arms around him in return.

“Never change y/n. You are a gift from God Himself. I adore you just the way you are” Baldwin sighed.

The young queen smiled, looking up at him.

“Thank you sweetheart. I love you just the same and I always will

[genderlessdude92]

. . .

⋆⁺₊❅.⋆꙳•̩̩͙❅*̩̩͙‧͙ ‧͙*̩̩͙❆ ͙͛ ˚₊⋆⁺₊❅. •̩̩͙❅*̩̩͙‧͙ ‧͙*̩̩͙❆ ͙͛ ⁺₊❅.⋆꙳

⭑ ๋ ⊹ ࣭ Lynn’s/Genderlessdude92's masterlist !! ⊹ ๋࣭ ⭑

⋆⁺₊❅.⋆꙳•̩̩͙❅*̩̩͙‧͙ ‧͙*̩̩͙❆ ͙͛ ˚₊⋆⁺₊❅. •̩̩͙❅*̩̩͙‧͙ ‧͙*̩̩͙❆ ͙͛ ⁺₊❅.⋆꙳

. . .

･ﾟ ･ﾟ·:｡･ﾟﾟ･⚬•・✦⋆°☽

☆♪..°.CALL OF DUTY.°..♪☆

･ﾟ ･ﾟ·:｡･ﾟﾟ･⚬•・✦⋆°☽

┃𖦹 I’M OKAY

SUMMARY: Ghost has came back from a harsh mission, most likely beaten to the core, and his S/o arrives worried sick. But, Simon can reassure her that everything will be alright.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

･ﾟ ･ﾟ·:｡･ﾟﾟ･⚬•・✦⋆°☽

☆♪..°.HAZBIN.°..♪☆

･ﾟ ･ﾟ·:｡･ﾟﾟ･⚬•・✦⋆°☽

┃𖦹 THE BREAKING POINT

♪ SUMMARY: Y/N is a diligent worker, much to the chagrin of her partner, Alastor. Despite his efforts to get her to stop for both their sakes, Y/N remains steadfast in her duties. However, Alastor finds a loophole to this situation.

—————————

┃𖦹 HOLD ME AGAIN

♪ SUMMARY: Alastor has been neglecting you ever since you guys had a fight. It gets to you. (MAJOR ANGST/MAJOR FLUFF)

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┃𖦹 Alastor x Reader who hates men

♪ANON ASK: “hai :3 can you do alastor with a s/o who is annoyed by men but she sees him and is like "but you're okay" because he's not a brute. it's like wow they're both mean to everyone except each other <3”

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┃𖦹 GENTLE, PLEASE!

♪SUMMARY: Y/N, like the nervous wreck she is, can’t stop spending her free time worrying over something that’s not even a big deal. Of course, one thing lead to another. (Thank you, Charlie, for letting them have the day off).

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┃𖦹 FORGIVENESS

♪SUMMARY: Alastor's work at the Hazbin Hotel keeps him preoccupied, leading to neglect in his relationship with Y/N. An argument later on arises, causing both to confront their feelings. Ultimately, they reconcile, promising to communicate better in the future. The story emphasizes the importance of understanding and communication in relationships.

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┃𖦹 A CLEAN MIND (First Part)

♪SUMMARY: After a long night of doing Lucifer’s Tango with the infamous Radio Demon, limbs sore to the brim, Alastor decides that it’s best to give his darling some proper aftercare. Of course one thing had led to another, but what would they do once they were caught in the net with a knock on the door?

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┃𖦹 AL, VOX, VAL, & LUCI WITH THEIR BIOLOGICAL CHILD

♪ANON ASK: “Hi, I really love your work! If your requests are open and if it's allowed, can I request for headcanons of Vox/Val/Alastor/Lucifer with their biological baby w reader?? I'm sorry if this is weird I just die for family dynamics😭😭 like, how would they act, would they be present or neglectful, and that stuff!! Ik it's impossible to have a child in hell but HEY. ITS FICTIONAL. It's really your decision if this is super fluff or super angst, but personally I believe it would be angst because it's hell and they are really famous 😭 THANKU”

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┃𖦹 PRECIOUS

♪SUMMARY: You and Alastor get into a fight because you’re just worried he got hurt after a fight with Vox. He snaps at you and…well, you isolate yourself. whoopsies!

———————————

┃𖦹 STICKS AND STONES

SUMMARY: Y/N is shaken when Vox mocks her on live television with rude comments and even exposing her secret relationship with Alastor, too. Struggling with self-doubt, she feels inadequate in Hell's power-driven society. Alastor comforts her, emphasizing her unique qualities and their deep connection, helping her find solace despite the lingering hurt from Vox's comments.

———————————

┃𖦹 IT’S OKAY TO NOT BE OKAY

SUMMARY: In a tranquil meadow near Cannibal Town, Alastor, the Radio Demon, returns to the sanctuary he shares with his beloved y/n, seeking solace from his chaotic life. Upon finding y/n in a state of distress and in the middle of harming herself, he realizes the depth of her pain and the hidden struggles she's been enduring. Through gentle support and heartfelt conversations, Alastor reassures y/n of his unwavering love and commitment, promising to face their challenges together.

———————————

┃𖦹 I’M ALL YOURS

SUMMARY: Alastor and his S/O face the intensity of rut season together, with y/n offering her support and revealing her innocence. (Yup, you’re a virgin in this). Despite initial apprehensions, their passion culminates in a deeply intimate experiemce, as well as a night to remember.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Requests are always open! Notes, Comments, and are logs are appreciated! All writings belong to @l4zyb0n35 and @genderlessdude92

[things-arent-what-they-seem66]

Random stuff from Guardian Angel AU.

Angst bitch.

1: Nasty rumors Susan spread about Adam got to a point that one of his neighbors spitted on his face and called him a man crack whore when she saw him outside and near her kids. She also said she’ll call the police if she saw Adam near her kids again.

That was the final step into making Adam a full hermit.

2: Every parent tells their kid to stay away from “The weird man in 1A”, some even take it to a step further with saying he could hurt them. So, Adam is seen as a creepy criminal among kids. They run away from him if they ever see Adam at the halls.

3: Lucifer isn’t the only person who brought him food in Adam’s life. A nice lady named Rosie used to put food on his doorstep once every month when she noticed he barely got out and how terrible he looked. She worked with children, so she didn’t wanted to be seen with Adam much, but she also began visiting Adam once every six months, they had tea together and Adam felt like he saw a tiny light in his endless darkness.

But this only went on for two years. Rosie died because of a heart attack four years ago. She was the last person who lived in Lucifer’s apartment.

3: Charlie saved Angel and Vaggie. Angel from his addictions and Vaggie from self harm and suicide. I guess it’s in Morningstar’s genes to fall in love with a soul they saved :>

4: Adam played a song for Lucifer when he was still on Earth, which he gladly listened. It was the first time Adam had played his guitar for a long time.

And when Lucifer was forced to leave him, he played, sometimes even sang, the same song almost every night for two years. Because he missed him and it made him think of him.

Lucifer’s heart exploded while he was watching Adam do this from Heaven. He began listening it every night to sleep as well.

—

Hehe

Dude whhhhy 😭

Yeah getting spit in the face is not only fucking gross but an understandable reason for Adam to stay away. He ended up telling Lucifer about it but wouldn't tell him who.

And that would hurt especially with how the situation with his own kids went.

Awwww Rosie and Adam being friends I'm so soft for their friendship. Shame she died. That only served to isolate Adam more. Everyone leaves why bother making friends? No one likes me anyway so that was made easy.

I WAS GOING TO SEND AN ASK ABOUT ADAM WRITING LUCIFER A SONG!!!!

Yeah, the Morningstars definitely have a type as well ;)

Ahhh sweet angst.

What if Lucifer had to look up his onlyfans page? You know, to see what he was working with and how deep Adam is in this world. He sees all the photos and videos. Spoiler he's in deep.

Adam has thousands of subscribers. And hundreds of posts. It's surprising he would do this line of work because of his past. But maybe, it was Velvette who told him "You're gorgeous, why not make a profit off your looks? Here I have a website you can use."

Adam tries it and when he sees how many people want him and shower him in praise and compliment him and tell him how wonderful he is.

Just another addiction on the pile. Only this one makes money and he hates himself afterwards.

Bonus points if someone in the building is subscribed and wanted more face to face time. Even if it doesn't go THAT far they make sexual comments at him any time they see him. (A man most likely)

And that was another thing to keep Adam in his house. The money is great but he hates that it comes from this and it's a never ending cycle.

[hobiebrownismygod]

Heyyyy, friend.

This is kind of a personal request, slightly triggering to some people, but if you're willing (will completely understand if you're not) can you write head cannons for how ever many spider people you want seeing readers self harm scars for the first time?

Don't feel pressured, it's a hard topic to write. Take all the time you need,

Stay safe and I hope you a happy time

I wasn't sure if you wanted romantic or platonic, so I wrote romantic, since I tend to be better at it 😭 I hope you enjoy it! As always, thank you for requesting <3

Hobie Brown ✰

Hobie Brown was absolutely devastated. When he saw you pull up your baggy sleeves nonchalantly, revealing fresher-looking scars on your wrists, he immediately grabbed your hand, looking at it with a shocked expression on your face. He didn't process it at first, refusing to believe that his sweet girl/boy would ever think about hurting themself. The next thing he'd do is pull you into a hug, not even letting you explain yourself before his body completely enveloped yours and he was holding your face with his big, slightly watery eyes. "Why would you do this?" He'd whisper, giant hands covering yours as he ran his fingers over the mostly healed scars. "Promise me you won't do 't again, sunshine." he'd tell you, voice dropping and tone turning serious, something you rarely saw on him. "Don't hurt yourself." And when you'd nod, swearing you'd try to stop, a slight smile would spread across his face. "You know I love you, right?" He'd proceed to not let you out of his sight for the following weeks, just to make sure his darling was staying true to their promises.

Miles Morales (1610) ✰

Miles Morales wouldn't ask you upright. He'd stay silent about it for a few moments, trying to think of a way to talk to you about them without seeming like he was prying. Eventually, he'd coax you into telling him why exactly you'd hurt yourself and when you opened up, he'd nod silently and listen, absorbing all the feelings, all the pain, like the empath he was. He'd be so calm about it, big brown eyes fixated on yours, being the most tender and sympathetic towards you, although he was always like that. He'd make you promise to seek help, no matter how much you hated it. Afterwards, he'd do as much research as he could to find ways to make you feel safer, more loved, reading about it so much he practically became a licensed therapist overnight. When you'd try to brush his advice off, he'd practically shove his sources into your face, saying "Trust me, chocolate is supposed to make you feel better!" and etc, to the point where you had to make him promise to start doing his work, because he'd been focusing more on helping you than on his own classes.

Miles G. Morales (42) ✰

Miles G. Morales would understand. He'd had thoughts of his own at some points, following his dad's death. He help you bandage them up properly, show you how to disinfect them so that you didn't develop sepsis or some horrible infections, before gently kissing your hands and wrists all over, promising you, "it'll feel better soon." He'd make you lay down next to him, rubbing circles into your back and shoulders while you rested your head against his chest, just enjoying each others' presence. After a little while, you'd start opening up about it to him, and he'd kiss you on the forehead in between breaths, making sure his sunflower felt as loved as humanly possible.

Gwen Stacy ✰

Gwen Stacy would respond to seeing them with visible anger. Her voice would raise slightly, turn a little squeaky as she fought to stop herself from getting too emotional, knowing it might scare you. She hated the thought that her favorite person was hurting themselves and she blamed herself for it a little as well. She'd think to herself, maybe if I was a better girlfriend, they wouldn't feel the need hurt themselves. Maybe I wasn't loving enough? Caring enough? She'd overthink it to the point of it turning into a painful topic for the both of you, but once you sat down and had a conversation together, one that she tried to avoid for as long as possible, the night ended with the two of you cuddled together, laughing and crying in each others arms as the emotions simply spread out around you. You'd end up talking about this night for days to come, and it would only strengthen the love and bond between you two. After all, you were her rock, just like she was yours. You needed each other.

Pavitr Prabhakar ✰

Pavitr Prabhakar would be so terrified that he'd accidentally escalate the situation into an even worse one, begging you to let him take you to a hospital, even if the wounds weren't fresh. You'd tell him you were okay and that going to a hospital wasn't necessary but he'd be afraid to the point where he'd simply toss you over his shoulder and make his way towards the door. However, after seeing how much you didn't want anyone to find you, he'd begrudgingly sit you down, holding your hands in his and asking a million questions per minute, asking, "Why would you do this to yourself? Is it because of me? Are you okay? How long have you been doing this for? Does it hurt? Why didn't you tell me before? Have you told anyone-" etc, to the point where you literally have to close his mouth with your hand so you can explain yourself. At the end, he'd simply make you promise to never do it again, going as far as to have you sign a written document (that he scribbled out himself), just so you'd feel really bad if you ever tried to harm yourself again. For the following weeks, he'd keep looking at you weirdly, leaning over and taking your hand randomly to check on the scars and see if they were healing and to check for new ones, just to make sure you were sticking to your promise. "I can't let you hurt yourself, meri jaan-" he'd tell you. "I need you."

Please remember, self-harm is a serious topic and if you know anybody who is self-harming or is potentially considering suicide, or if you yourself are doing these things reach out to professionals and seek help. https://988lifeline.org

Taglist: @lauryn2558 @d0ubl-tr0ubl3 @vileviale @itsparis-07 @niqetine @daydreaming-en-pointe @l0starl @spiderrinn @therealloopylupin2099 @s6onder

[hazbinhazbinhazbinreblog]

HI!!! I’m super super new, and i just browsed through the tags for Dadstaticradio AU, CATCF AU and Radio Guard AU and need to say that i am sooo obsessed with them!! I certainly plan on browsing all the other AUs (especially secretly married AU, i am very excited about that one), but it is very late where i live (*cough* 1 AM *cough*) and i want to go to bed soon, so they’ll have to wait for tomorrow (well, “tomorrow”).

But before i do retire to bed, i would like to put my own two cents in, because i am soo happy i found a place where i can finally share my little ideas and stories!! (I do hope i don’t annoy anyone, I apologize if i do 😭).

Basically, it’s a radiostatic AU. Of course. And it might sound a lot similiar to the secretly married AU from what i gathered about it, but how i mentioned earlier, i haven’t checked that one out yet + this AU has been brewing in my head for maybe like… two weeks??

It goes with the trope of Alastor and Vox getting married way before Alastor disappears for 7 years. I’m not sure if they’d be exactly public, but i like to imagine they would like to keep their relationship to themselves but wouldn’t be exactly insistent on hiding it either. But, that isn’t the main thing about this AU.

The plot revolves all around Alastor’s disappearance. The reason why he disappeared in the first place.

Because of Vox.

And let me get this straight, i do not have this fleshed out at ALL. Like, it’s just a little concept i have. But the premise is that maybe some really powerful Overlord wants to take advantage of Alastor and his power, and make Alastor work for them. They would be trying to find Alastor’s weakness, because goddammit everyone has one, so what’s his deal? but being unsuccessful for a long time. Until one day, they notice Alastor’s interaction with Vox. And they start observing them. Which leads them to conclude that, Vox is Alastor’s weakness. So they build this really elaborate plan, where they threaten Alastor that if he doesn’t work for them, they’ll bring harm to Vox. Alastor tries to find out an escape at first, but the Overlord has been preparing for a long time for this and that leaves Alastor with no other choice than to comply.

So, Alastor finds himself in a deal. His soul for Vox’s safety. The Overlord doesn’t wait any longer and takes Alastor to god knows where, making him disappear for 7 years. And the worst part? Alastor isn’t allowed to tell Vox anything, lest he reveals his deal and risks Vox safety.

At first, Vox is worried for Alastor. Because what if something happened to him? But he later acknowledges, through his bond with Alastor (i kind of hc that when u marry someone in hell, you bind your soul to them) that Alastor is completely fine and (relatively?!?) safe. Making Vox believe that Alastor just straight up left without a word. So he grows angry and frustrated and swears Alastor as his enemy (even though he could never actually hate him. Not his Alastor. It’s just the hurt speaking). And when Alastor comes back, he’s not met with love, but with blind rage.

So, for both his and Vox’s sake, he plays along. Pretends to be Vox’s biggest rival and enemy. Even though it hurts more than he could ever imagine.

Hi !! Always v happy to hear new people are enjoying things, and dw no one is annoying here, all ideas are welcome

"Vox is Alastor's weakness" punched me in the chest /pos, I'm such a sucker for self-sacrifice especially if the second person doesn't understand why they did it

Also the idea of marriage in hell being a soul bond is so. Amazing. I have no words for it

Love this love this

[criticallyacclaimedstranger]

Hi!!!!! Again!!!

I was wondering if could get something with reader and Frankie being intimate for the first time and reader is nervous bc she has SH scars?

Or conversely, if writing about that is uncomfortable, reader gets nightmares?? I suffer from horrific nightmares bc trauma and wish I had someone to hold me when I had them 😭

If none of this speaks to you there’s 0 pressure, I hope you have a great day and I look forward to reading more Frankie!!! You write him so well

Thank you for the request, @romanarose and I'm sorry you had to wait so long! I wanted to go witht he first option and it's a difficult topic, I didn't want to get it wrong. I hope you like it <3

Frankie x f!reader

Warnings: PTSD, former trauma, former self harm, scars, Frankie Morales is Consent King, first time having sex (with each other, no one is a virgin here), nudity, kissing. All is soft and well <3

Words: 1,123

It’s not like you hadn’t thought about it. You thought about it a lot, in fact: every time you met someone new, you had to face the fact that there were so many chances for them to run for the hills. Or not understand. Or the worst yet: add to your trauma, worsen your injuries, break you even more.

Frankie seemed okay. You learned very quickly that he had his own demons: he shared his history of PTSD and drug abuse early on. Visibly nervous but with a clear voice and a firm eye contact, he told you a condensed version which ended with him reassuring you that he understood if you wanted to stop seeing him, that he knew that this was a lot to handle. You could just part ways amicably.

You shook your head and said that you had a dark past of your own, but you weren’t ready to share yet. He accepted that, and that same night, he asked you if he could kiss you. It was the first kiss you two shared, and it was sweet and full of promise.

Each time you saw him, hung out with him, kissed him, you knew that you were coming to this: you were going to have to get naked before him, and he would learn what your trauma had made you do to yourself. The shame was still there, even if therapy had helped a lot. But being naked with someone new was always daunting, and your scars just made it worse. You couldn’t even ease him into it because teenage you had been devious enough not to blemish your wrists, no, your whole history was mapped out on your thighs in a criss-cross of short, white lines.

And when that evening comes, and you’re making out on Frankie’s couch, his heavy yet comforting weight on you, his hard cock pressing against your through his jeans and yours, you feel it in your searing hot and sopping wet core that it’s going to have to happen. You can’t wait any longer: you want him, desperately, heart-achingly, completely.

He pulls his mouth from yours when you start to work his shirt off him.

”Are you sure?” he asks you breathlessly, eyes dark with desire yet softly searching your face. ”I don’t want to pressure you.”

”I’m sure,” you confirm, just as short of breath as he is, and embarrassingly eager to see his naked chest, to embrace him and find out what it feels like to be with him, skin to skin.

Frankie sits up and takes his shirt off, and you are free to caress the naked skin beneath. You sit up as well and trace your lips along the warm skin, kiss him over his wildly beating heart, his soft moan telling you just how good it feels to him.

Your top and bra follow his shirt onto the floor and Frankie's prickly chin is tickling the soft, sensitive flesh of your breasts as he flicks his tongue over your hardening nipples. Not until you are mewling does he come up for a sweet yet teasing kiss, before trailing his lips down between your breasts, over your stomach, all the way down to your bottoms. You lift your ass to make it easier for him to pull them down, and Frankie kisses every inch of revealed skin before him.

Then he stops, and you realize that he's seeing them. Your scars. You wet your lips nervously and start to stammer out explanations and excuses, but Frankie comes up to silence you with another gentle kiss.

"Can I take off the rest of your clothes?" he asks, his voice warm and sincere, and you nod mutely. Naked before him, more nervous about your scars than your body, you can barely look him in the eye. You try to still your shaking limbs but can't, your nerves having taken control over your twitching muscles.

"I used to cut myself," you finally offer quietly. "And I did it on my thighs so nobody would know."

Frankie has his big, warm, palm on your knee, and he's just silently regarding you. Relieved, you note that he doesn't seem disgusted or shocked, just... sad. Sympathetic, as if he had personal knowledge of that crippling anxiety that drove you to use a razorblade on yourself, time and time again.

"I'm sorry you had to do that," he eventually says. "I'm sorry you were made to feel that bad."

You try to shrug. "It was a long time ago. I'm better now."

"I'm very glad about that."

His smile is so gentle that it hurts your heart, and you press a smile back, but your lower lip is trembling. You're still shivering, your body a mess of arousal, shot nerves, and hope.

"Is this okay?" you want to know, your voice wavering slightly. "It's not too ugly?"

"Sweetheart," Frankie immediately pulls you into his chest, "nothing about you is ugly." He kisses the top of your head, his hand moving in soothing circles on your back. "You're beautiful, and you make the world beautiful."

You blink hysterically but the tears still rise and spill down your cheeks. "So do you, Frankie."

He hears the sob in your voice and kisses your wet cheeks before laying you down and peppering your neck with kisses.

"Can I touch them? The scars?"

"Uh-huh." You don't trust your voice to carry, but Frankie smiles comfortingly at you, and you cup his cheek, let your fingers wander and get lost in his thick, soft locks.

Your thigh muscles are tense when he brushes his lips to the first scar, but for each little show of love for the marks that you gave yourself during the darkest part of your life, you relax. Your heartbeat returns to the apex of your thighs, and you know you're slick down there, but Frankie doesn't go there, not yet, but instead focuses on instilling your scars with his devotion. You let him lull you into complete security and relaxation. You even close your eyes and sigh out your breath in a low, happy hum. He finds your hand and braids his fingers with yours, his thumb slowly stroking the back of your hand.

Your eyes blink open when he says your name. He's smiling at you, the beautiful crow's feet gathering at the corners of his warm, pretty eyes.

"You okay?" he wants to know. You nod, sitting back up and reaching for the fly of his jeans.

"I need you now."

"You got me."

When he finally sinks into you there is no longer any trace of shame left, only desire and a budding love that you somehow know will last for a long, long time.

[creepy-spooghetti]

I loved your autistic little sister headcanons for cody and toby!

Possibly one for Masky + EJ, an autistic little sister (15/16 years). And level 1/2 asd?

A bit self indulgent 😭 but i loved the headcanons

Aaa, I'm so glad you enjoyed them that much 😭

︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵

Masky

Masky was created as a separate identity from Tim solely to do the Operator's bidding, but he still has to deal with many aspects of Tim's life. You are one of these 'aspects'.

It isn't as if you are a constant pest or anything, and you can certainly fend for yourself under most circumstances, so Masky never really bothered hating you, or even severely disliking you. You were just Tim's sister; nothing more, nothing less. Yet, having to be around you often gradually made him feel something different. Something akin to fondness. Something...protective and foreign.

He grew to care for you, somehow. You innocently, unintentionally wormed your way into his heart over time, strolling right through the gates like you owned the place. And now, he supposed, you did. At least to a degree.

Because he views you as family, you manage to get away with a lot more things than anyone else could ever dream about—most of them are very benign, such as asking questions, or sassing him on occasion, or some type of physical gesture, like leaning against him or messing with his hair or even just flicking him. He would absolutely annihilate anyone else, but he just can't find it within himself to bring you harm.

If a single person ever does anything remotely 'not nice' to you, or even alludes to it, best be certain Masky will have something to say about it. He has this instinctive urge to just...keep you safe, and out of emotional distress, in whatever way he possibly can. He doesn't understand why or how he can love you when he doesn't love anything, but he realized that fighting it does nothing, so he merely succumbs to it.

Eyeless Jack

When Jack was permanently, unwillingly transformed into the creature he is now, he didn't remember much of anything. His life was a blur, his friends were distant recollections, and the only thing he could seem to focus on was the untameable fury coursing through his veins.

But then you showed up in his mind again and he felt all the love and protectiveness he ever possessed for you times ten. Suddenly, you were the sole focus in his thoughts. The only thing that mattered, was you.

Jack is not naturally an aggressive person, but throw in someone who's treated you poorly into the mix? Rest assured they are no longer safe. This man will work so, so hard to protect you, and has on so many occasions. Your presence is the only thing that gives him real, true happiness. He feels like he has a purpose with you around instead of convincing himself he's utter garbage.

You have had to talk him out of many-a breakdowns, however, when he starts worrying for your wellbeing. He doesn't want to accidentally hurt you one day. He's stuck between a rock and a hard place: keep you with him, or toss you to the wolves. He would never do the latter, but sometimes he can't help but wonder if you are truly safe around him. He knows he's capable of horrendous things, things he can't control, and the very idea terrifies him for your sake.

Yet there's no doubt in anyone's mind that he would sacrifice everything, anyone, to make sure you're okay. You are his lifeline, and he is yours, and you'd never have it any other way.

[mischiefmanaged71]

Hii i just wanted to say your work is so good!! I love it i really hope you create more tom bennett stories! ^^ but i am not too sure if you are taking request but can you like create a short story where like fem!reader feels insecured about herself ( your choice of what is something fem!reader can be insecured about ) and then tom finds a way on how he can make her feel loved about her self but if it’s not your type of cup of tea creating this type of story it’s fine I understand that oh and no rush and remember your really cool!

i just needed some wholesome fluff of tom bennett that’s all 😭

stay safe and take care!! :D

This is me trying

Pairing: Tom Bennett x fem! reader

She sat there on the window sill of her bedroom, finding a hard time adjusting to the thoughts flooding her mind. Waiting there for refuge from the anxiety-ridden episodes intending harm to her psyche. Getting out of bed became a feat not worthy of effort on most days. She clutched her hair, pulling at the strands as another bout threatened to wreck her body. Her chest shook as she withheld a sob, the burning sensation building behind her eyes.

She wrenched the strands between her fingers and pulled in frustration, gasping for air. The four walls of the room became a monotonous image she grew tired of. Glancing in the mirror at her vanity simply engraved the feeling brewing in her chest as she glared at the image of her tussled hair.

The puffy-eyed, breathless figure slumped in the center of the room. The woman she couldn't recognize with the creased and tattered dress. The image she could not abhor, nor look at any longer as she flinched from the reflection. Her body fell to the floor, knees pulled to her chest.

Breathing. It became difficult to breathe when it was the only thing she could think of. Inhaling in the air and exhaling after a few moments. A sob wracked through the gasps as she pressed her palms to her eyes.

"Love?" She heard his voice from down the hall. Her hands moved quickly, wiping the tracks from her cheeks. Footsteps reached her room before a knock sounded at the door. "You in there?"

Her throat was tight, and her voice came out croaky as she tried to respond before he saw her. "I-I'll be a minute..."

"You okay?" He asked, concerned.

"Y-Yeah." She coughed, hiding her sniffles behind her hand as she scrambled to stand as he opened the door.

"Hi." She managed a smile.

His expression faltered at her puffy eyes, eyes softening, "What's wrong?"

"N-nothing is wrong." She pressed her palms together, stepping toward him, "What are you doing here?"

He searched her face, shaking his head. "Don't do that."

"What?" She strained out, refusing to meet his eyes.

"Don't pretend you're fine. I can see you're not." He stated, cupping her jaw to bring her eyes to meet his.

Y/N froze up, allowing her facade to fall as Tom met her gaze. Tears fell from her eyes, and she faltered, falling onto his embrace.

"It's okay. Deep breaths now, for me." He whispered as she sobbed. Tom caressed her face, pushing her hair back. His arms circled her waist, holding Y/N to his chest.

"You don't have to pretend with me."

She shook her head.

"You can tell me." he whispered, "Please talk to me."

She relented, finally meeting his gaze. The broken look sent a pang through his chest, Tom remembering to breathe and hold himself together. He watched her clench her jaw, and her eyes closed. 

“I...I...can’t even look at myself.”

“What do you mean?” he coaxed the answer from her.

She pushed her hair back, “I don’t look like those other girls. I don’t fit in at work. Do you know how hard I try? To make friends? No one wants to be with the outcast.”

“You want to fit in, because you think they’ll accept you, then?”

“Yes.” she breathed.

“That’s not true.” he stated, much to her dismay as she met his eyes. “You never have to change yourself to fit someone else’s standards. You hear me? You are beautiful in so many ways, I would never wish for you to change yourself. If they don’t like you as you are now, that screw them.”

“I don’t feel beautiful.” her voice barely a whisper, tears falling down her cheeks. 

Tom’s face softened as he wiped away her tears, “I know, right now, you might not believe me-but, every part of you is beautiful. I’m not just saying that now to comfort you. I believe it. You need to believe it too.”

He exhaled, kneeling in front of her as she sat down on the bed. “I don’t want you to change for anyone. You’re perfect as you are.”

“Tell me what I need to do to help you.” he sat next to her, clasping their hands, 

She nodded, “Stay with me.”

“Course, love.” pulling her into his arms.

TAGS

@pearlstiare @dothrckis @aemonds-sapphire @xcharlottemikaelsonx  @filipinamultifandom ​ @padfooteyes ​ @batsyforyou @yentroucnagol @cl-0-vr @h3k3t @arcana-greenleaf  @yummycastiel @lauraneedstochill @ladybug0095 @rntrsna @schniiipsel @caribbeangal @viviartsy

[autistook]

AITA 🔞

So a few months ago a person I know through work that I was becoming friends with asked me out, I turned him down and it was fine. He was sometimes a bit draining because he kept telling me how much he hates himself, how sad he was if I didnt want to hang out or talk all the time, and I told him I feel uncomfortable talking 247 because I need my own space, that I'm not that social. He had our chat open at all times and it felt a little uncomfortable so I asked him about it, and he told me in kind of a shaming way that he has no other friends so he has to talk to me, but otherwise he seemed to understand. I did ask him to not do it because it made me feel pressured to see him read our chats immediately. I felt like I had to answer him immediately and it was overwhelming. He seemed to understand and changed his behavior.

Now.

He was drinking pretty excessively and used 400€ on alcohol in two days.

Now, I grew up with alcoholic parents, and I told him his excessive usage is making me worried and uncomfortable, especially considering he kept complaining about his financial situation. He told me he went to a food-aid thing and kept using money for alcohol.

Now, considering I also had drank excessively last year (because I had that partying phase like 5 years late) and because of all my trauma I saw where it was going and told him I didn't want to be in contact, told him my worries and that I can't deal with this energy in my mental state. Told him to contact me when he hopefully drinks less, that then I'll be all good to hang out again.

One day he messaged me "pretty hypocritical of you to call me out on drinking when you're drinking as well!" when he saw me and my friends having one drink per person in our regular bar where we play board games often, not even necessarily drinking anything with alcohol most of the time. He was apparently there in some corner as well.

I told him that I don't really appreciate his attacking me when I expressed my concern for him and my boundaries. He kept comparing my last years drinking and shaming me for it and telling me it's unfair of me to not want to be in contact and to call him out on his drinking if 'I've been the same way'. I told him that I never prioritized alcohol over food and that even if I did, I would have more the reason to stay away from that behavior to not relapse if it ever went that bad, and more the reason to express my concern if I saw the pattern repeat on someone I care for.

I also told him I had talked to my friends of how he talked to me on the matter and how even they were worried. He brushed it off.

Then he went: "Well, you went to fuck some random dude!"

Now, I had told him I do sex work sometimes. Very rarely, just a few times and its always been the same man and only when I'm financially struggling and need to eat and pay bills. Even if it was more often, who cares. It's just work.

I felt like he was slut shaming, so I called him out, wished him the best and finished the convo by saying "and fuck you :)" and blocked him.

Was I the asshole for this 😭 I feel kinda awful (been a few months and a few days ago I saw him at my job). Anyway, I kept feeling attacked when I was genuinely worried and tried to keep myself safe from an enviroment I saw as toxic and possibly harmful.

He is a very low self esteem personality and I feel bad for telling him to fuck off, but I felt really shamed and hurt for the comment he made on my sex work. I also felt like he completely disregarded my boundaries.

[karolinswritings]

Mustang with reader who has paranoia, like they’re constantly scared someone is trying to backstab them or that something bad will happen....I have constant paranoia that every good thing will end and that everyone secretly hates me 😭

Hey! I apologise for the horribly late reply to your request. After a few months of a pause in posting in this blog, I am happy to finally be back! Thank you for the request, I sincerely appreciate it! ^^

Fullmetal Alchemist SFW Headcanons: Roy Mustang X Paranoic Reader

To begin with, Mustang is a very well-trained and experienced soldier, so when it comes to his own safety he is sure that he can handle any possible threat at all times.

When it comes to Reader's safety though, the situation is slightly different. He knows that it is physically impossible to be around them at all times, so he will surely call them regularly to make sure that they are safe, and most importantly - that they are feeling safe, as paranoia can cause fear of threat even if there is no threat at all.

When Roy and Reader are together, he would always reassure them, as many times as he has to. I see him as the understanding type, so no matter how many times Reader mentions that they are feeling scared or threatened, he would reassure them that he is around, and in his presence they are safe at all times. Something along the lines of:

-" I understand how you're feeling, Dear. I am here, right next to you. I have got my eye on you. So trust me - I will be the first to notice if something that could put your life at risk is about to happen. And I am sure you yourself are aware that I will handle the situation within seconds. So don't sweat it. If you feel worried again, just look at me and remind yourself that I am here. Trust me - with me by your side, you couldn't be safer."

In case Reader turns out to be right and someone does attempt to harm them, for example a robber, and Roy happens to be around, the whole scene would meet an end in less than a minute. He wouldn't hesitate to have the robber down to the ground, a gun muzzle pressed against his head.

Usually though, Mustang would handle situations like this unarmed - with his abilities in martial arts - just to show off that he doesn't even need the assistance of a weapon, let alone alchemy.

That is in the case of Reader being around Mustang. At the times when Roy is at work, carrying out an assigned mission or is simply not around Reader, he would not want them to feel scared or weak. To achieve that, he would teach them some easy form of self-deffence techniques that they can use just in case. He would definitely do his best to make the learning process as entertaioning and enjoyable as possible too - letting Reader defeat him and throw him around to raise their confidence.

[dontlookheswatching]

Okay! Ref sheet number one is done! This took like a entire DAY It was NOT supposed to take this long so I hope this is worth all that time😭

A version with scars are shown!

There’s also mentions of drugs and self harm, so please take this note as a TW. Some of the scars on the other version below the cut have a few visible self harm scars, so please beware if any of this stuff triggers you.

Ben Drowned

•Pansexual and goes by he/they(Demi Boy).

•5’0, perhaps one of the shortest adults you’ll ever meet. He’s 21, and his birthday is on April 23rd.

•His eyes don’t always bleed. Only when he’s upset, stressed, or crying. If he’s really upset, he’ll produce more tears that are black and taste like ink. •He has wings and tail feathers that support flight, although he doesn’t know how to fly. Both are due to the fact he’s supposed to be an angel, but due to Slenderman interfering, it never happened. He doesn’t clip his wings, so they’re huge, to where he has to use magic to hide them and his tail feathers.(My Ben is nothing related to BEN. I have very different stories and headcanons that make it impossible for me to intercept BEN into my version of Ben. The BEN Arg has nothing to do with my version of Ben is simpler words, as my Ben is my own revamped version of Benjamin Lawman.)

•One of the most likable creeps alongside Toby.

•He’s a femboy. I will not elaborate.

•He has several different aesthetics, two of his favorites being Scene and Grunge.

•He doesn’t celebrate his birthday, but others do. He doesn’t celebrate it for a few reasons; One being as a child his father never bothered to celebrate his birthday, least of all tell him “happy birthday”. This has led Ben to commonly forgetting his own birthday. Another reason is because it’s also the same day he died. He doesn’t mind if the other creeps celebrate his birthday, even if it’s kinda awkward for him, just as long as there’s no one celebrating his death. That’ll cause a fight in seconds.

•He’s in charge of anything that has to do with technology. If a creep has questions, or maybe some this isn’t working correctly, they go to Ben. Ben is also in charge of things such as security camera footage, hacking into government files, police records, and other stuff similar. He also provides creeps with information about their missions, specifically any details about a victim they might need to know, such as the victims address. •His voice constantly and randomly distorts and glitches, as well as his body. His voice will distort and glitch more when he’s having extreme emotions, and it sometimes gets to the point where no one can understand him except Jeff and other glitchpastas. Think Lolbit from FNAF as a example.

•He tends to float and levitate to seem taller.

•He’s Japanese American, and is fluent is Japanese. He can be found talking in Japanese when he forgets no one else really understands him, or when he’s scared, he might scream out something in Japanese.

•Despite being a entity that literally torments people into offing themselves and scaring them shitless he’s actually easily frightened. Creeps love to scare him because of this because he has a high pitched scream and he’ll start glitching out.

•He likes to paint his nails. He even sometimes lets Nina do his nails, but not too often, because she tends to give him acrylics, and everytime one breaks he almost cries.

•He’s a stoner. He used to smoke weed and do drugs when he was a teenager and in his super early 20’s, and it used to be a really big problem. He’s gotten better since then, and only allows himself to smoke weed if he’s stressed or having a awful day. He no longer does drugs. Another issue he had really bad was self harm. He hardly does that anymore either. He also has several mental disorders and other problems he struggles with, but I might cover that in a different post, or a possible ask if anyone decides to ask questions.

That’s all for the first ref sheet! The next one is for Jeff, and it’ll probably take just as long as this one did or maybe longer, because I’m still working on multiple things as I’m doing these, such as a relationship chart, and organizing my messy headcanons for these refs😭

[botanicalcanopus]

Okay. I know you said you don't do session analysis’ as a blog, so there are absolutely no stakes/expectations here and I’m cool if you ignore this ask or just say no. But do you want to have a crack at how a session with my OCs would go? They’re all brothers.

It’s with a;

Prince of Heart

Knight of Time

Thief of Space

Mage of Mind

(The matching classpects with two canon characters was a complete accident 😭)

I don't mind to try! I will preface this by saying this for anyone who has never encountered my rambling: I believe that classpects (while useful for determinating some fun facts about the character) depend entirely on the characters personalities. Essentially meaning just because we've seen a Prince of Heart in the comic doesn't mean they're gonna be exactly like Dirk.

So starting off, I will say your session has a Time and Space player so it's a viable session (yippee!). The down side to this is that you have more at stake and boy howdy your OCs classpects (without knowing their full personalities) are gonna be constantly treading the line here. Not that their classpects are bad, in fact, they have a really great skill set but the cost is that most of these classpects are prone to mistakes that could cost lots of time and energy (or their lives if shit hit the fan).

A Prince of Heart that is still learning to use their powers or have an uncontrollable attitude can pull a Dirk and splinter themselves to exhaustion, or possibly other co-players if they're not careful. Lots of emotional tampering (by accident or not) will be likely even if it's just "making logical statements".

Your Thief of Space may end up stealing Space (literally or metaphorically) from their brothers and this can be something from storing things in others rooms/inventory or worst case scenario they go full villain and essentially vacuum pack someone. Their whole deal is to find their own path with Space rather than having to rely on what's stolen, which if they are too self absorbed or self isolating they may not achieve.

Now Mages of Mind are also the over rational sort, which isn't bad altogether. However in this scenario, you're already given a splintering emotional time bomb who needs to find themselves and a player whose ego and powers rely on theft. So someone who struggles with understanding why they have to be so logical all the time or doesn't even know/want to plan ahead is also gonna throw a wrench in plans if they don't get support they need to understand their potential and how their braniac skills can better everyone's lives.

Finally, the Knight of Time is our double edged sord here. Knights usually cover up their feelings of inadequacy by ghost the opposite aspect. So while this person may be helpful when they do act, they tend to ghost Space and be all distant and might even be like Dave and put up a cool persona even if they're wrought with anxiety. They'll have to come to accept that their abilities are incredibly useful and that they are so much more than what they believe they are.

So best case scenario: through trials and tribulations, the brothers will eventually learn to depend on each other. The Knight can get some pep talks from the Thief while the Mage and Prince can talk them through logically how it's dumb they feel that way about themselves when they're so cool. The Knight can give their bros all the time they need to work through any emotional out burst or fits of other thinking, and the Thief learns to aid others for once by providing comfort (environments, food, materials, etc). In the meantime the Thief gets all the support with finding themselves and becoming their own person rather than a copy paste persona.

Worst case scenario: Jesus the amount of failed timelines. Like shit does this Knight have it cut out for him. Any too big emotional burst from the Prince can cause literal frenzy or rip their souls (maybe actually doing harms with some sick burns). The Thief if ticked off enough may straight up avoid everything and do whatever they want to do without any input. The Mage can become too lax and not want to deal with solving any questions that makes them think too hard and tank every personal relationship by being too logical. And the Knight might end up like one of the Dave's who just exist in a failed session because they gave into their self doubt and couldn't rise to the challenge.

Lots of warnings but honestly if they act like a good family and talk it out they have really decent odds. This is said without knowing what they'd prototype but these things have a character limit lol. I hope this is something along the lines you were looking for, if not sorry!

[lunar-years]

I think it’s hard for me with defending Keeley because like on one hand don’t talk bad about her you losers… but also like her season 3 sucked and the shows insistence that she’s flawless and she’s a successful girlboss with no back up evidence makes me sort of meh about her

You’re very valid for this. There’s no defending her season 3 plot, like I will never, ever be forgiving them for that 😭😭😭

I’ve been trying to do more self-reflecting lately before shouting “bad writing” because of the whole “was this actually bad writing or are you just upset that what you wanted to happen didn’t happen” thing. A problem which is admittedly. Ahem. Somewhat rampant in this fandom. Butttt I’m gonna be honest I still chalk so much of Keeley in season 3 up to genuinely terribly writing. like??? Separating her for the majority of the time from all the other characters we’ve cared about for two seasons, making her inexplicably bad at her job (if it was meant to be imposter syndrome they needed to like. Actually dive into that? What.), making Shandy a(n extremely long-winded) gag character instead of someone actually meaningful to Keeley’s growth, giving her no voice in the ending with Roy and Jamie (having whatever she said to them happen offscreen sure was a choice), having Rebecca’s money swoop in and easily solve her work issues, like…WHAT was the reason??? They even ruined her sense of style like they didn’t give my girl a break my GOD 😭😭

I also totally get the flawless girl boss complaint because I fucking hate when shows do that women. Like ughhh?? But something interesting to me about Ted Lasso is that many of the things they set many things up REALLY well and compellingly and then lost their own plot in the last half, lol. I’m thinking, for example, of how they clearly knew how many people would view beard/jane, because they had their other characters recognize and call out their problems ONSCREEN! The diamond dogs have a full ass conversation about how none of them actually like or support this relationship but don’t think it’s their place to say anything, and then Higgins is like actually no I think that’s stupid and I’m going to talk to my friend about how I think this relationship is harming him! And then he does! Even beard ignoring the advice is like. Okay, that’s realistic. The setup is equal parts messy and compelling!! But then it’s never addressed or brought up again and suddenly they’re getting married?!

Similarly, I think a lot of the ~flawless girlboss~ thing going on with Keeley is a perception other characters have of her that I actually think makes sense for those characters (such as Roy and Jamie) but isn’t actually reflective of Keeley herself even in what we do get to see onscreen. And the writers weirdly seem at least somewhat cognizant of this at the same time as they give her girlboss immunity in weird places? Like, she DOES have flaws, she falls into the same patterns of bad behavior across all three seasons, the writers are actually extremely consistent in having her make the same pitfalls. Rebecca literally calls her out on her actions multiple times (in headspace, and in season 3…). This all would have been perfect setup for a season 3 plot where Keeley finally runs her problems into the ground and is forced to confront them, while the characters who put her on a pedestal realize she isn’t perfect but that they love her anyway. The threads for this are THERE but never go anywhere!!! Keeley just ignores Rebecca’s advice, continues to make the same mistakes with no accountability or reckoning and then her problems are magically solved at closure. EURGH.

This leaves viewers to fill in all kinds of gaps and make up their own backstories and reasons, which I’m more than willing to do as someone who was a huge fan of Keeley to begin, but I can totally understand why many fans don’t care to go through the trouble to fix-it. Like if you were not super invested in her to begin with of course you’re going to see her as meh after s3. Her plot was undoubtedly shit.

I only get pissed when people complain about the wrong things and/or are just being misogynistic or biphobic or both. Like, calling her bisexuality unnecessary or out of nowhere, only caring that she didn’t get back together with Roy…on the opposite side a new one I’ve been seeing is going on about how she was actually terrible for Roy and he deserves better than her?? HELLO?! I’m the first to say she wasn’t perfect in that relationship but good god neither was Roy? Calling out just Keeley is crazy crazy and also why do these people hate women.

[bauhausluvr]

a lot happened today, good and bad, and im still processing it. but i'll try to retell it all below. warning: this will be long and graphic

major tw for self-harm

so i had class with M and everything was fine, I even got to talk with her a few times which i was really happy about. but later when we were doing our own thing, she got really fascinated with this one student which made me want to cry because i was jealous she was so intrigued and spent so much time with them. this student is also so much cooler than me so i understand why. i got super upset at myself for feeling this way, so with very little thought i left the room to go to the bathrooms and consequently slash my arm up

i had new blades and i was in such a state where i wasn't thinking so i wasn't careful with how i cut, i just wanted to do some damage, and i ended up bleeding much more than i usually would. once i saw how much blood there was on me and on the floor, i realised i had to stop the bleeding and used a bunch of paper towels to make it stop. eventually, unluckily for me, i ran out and spent a long time just rinsing my arm under the water (which in hindsight definitely prolonged the bleeding), but i couldn't go to the next stall for paper since there were people outside and it seemed to keep being taken.

had i not gone in the stall with barely any paper left i probably would've avoided this, but this led to me having to ask the people outside for paper and since i was kind of panicked i was saying i had a medical emergency, so this led to them getting a teacher down to check on me and basically the whole process of first aid coming down to bandage my arm n setting a welfare meeting for another day since this was at the end of the day.

what i didn't expect however was M to come down as well. i felt super embarrassed and ashamed once i saw her face, i didn't know how to react. but once she heard I was harming myself she came in to comfort me, even calling me her 'baby' when coming down and hugging me. i hugged her back tightly and sobbed into her shoulder, it was so comforting.. she has such a motherly charm its crazy. she soon revealed she also used to self-harm, even at work, which made me feel so much more at ease since i felt extremely bad about myself as i feel like i should've grown out of these feelings by now, but i clearly hadn't.

after all the paperwork and talk was done, i went back to her class to get my stuff back and found she edited my work and added her own little charm to it while i was gone (we were just playing around with an editing program) 😭. since everyone was gone by then i asked to talk w her alone and ppl kept coming in the class, so M grabbed my wrist gently and led me out somewhere where only us two can talk

i basically thanked her for her hug and all her kind words, and was sorry that she had to witness me at such a state. following this we talked for a little bit about her own struggles with self-harm and having to be sectioned, and about her thoughts on me which, i wish i could remember all the details, but i was so messed up i only remember it partly. regardless, it was lovely to hear and definitely what i needed at the time.

one of the best parts of this whole aftermath conversation was when i not-so-jokingly said i have mommy issues and she laughed saying "I KNOW" 😭😭😭. i was rlly taken aback by that so i stuttered and asked what made her come to that conclusion, and she basically just talked about stuff like my conservative mother and catholic upbringing which i brought up to her. she later said that she had her own struggles w her daughter and how she kinda sees that in me, to which i hesitantly said "i kinda wish you were my mum" and SHE SAID "me too right now" ?!!??"! IDK HOW I DIDN'T IMPLODE RIGHT THEN..

during this whole conversation we hugged so many more times and it was kinda awkward at one point cuz her lanyard got stuck on my cardigan LMFAO but it was so healing and awesome to talk w her about all this, even if i wish she didn't have to witness any of it. there's so much more i could say but if i gave all the details then this post would be 10x longer. obviously i didn't mention why i cut in the first place, and i'm contemplating even doing so to anyone cuz i don't want her taken away from me.

with all that said despite all the horrible stuff, something good came out of it and i'm grateful for that, although i worry it deepened my attachment to M even further....which honestly was inevitable at this point anyway.