#life just kinda sucks right now
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Boyfriend's dog is getting put to sleep on Thursday. Please send her good thoughts everyone. It's going to be a horrible day.
We already lost her brother earlier this year. This year has been fucking horrible for dogs.
#i've been in tears on and off for the last couple of days#she's just gone so downhill and it makes me so sad to see her like this#we lost her brother back in may and i thought for sure that we'd have at least another year with her but her kidney's are failing#life just kinda sucks right now#i'm sorry my thoughts are all over the place lately#tw: animal death
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I know I don't post a lot of personal stuff here, it's mostly reblogs, but just in case people are wondering where I've been, I'm still around.
Just like, going through some shit that's not super fun and doesn't leave a lot of extra brain space or energy even for Tumblr.
#personal#life just kinda sucks right now#and it will probably suck for a while#but I have wonderful friends helping me get through it#and thank god for therapy
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if i just told you i love you would this world change
#witch hat tag#orufrey#these kinda suck lol i feel like i cant draw right now *irritated sigh* BUT I FEEL EMOTIONS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#if you are gay go watch good omens season 2 right now. NO YOU DONT KNOW THO!!!!!!!!!#i know being this affected by good omens is probably cringe. I dont care any more. the last 1 minute of good omens season 2 was#some of the most affecting acting i've ever seen in my life. sometimes someone acts with the force as if their entire career led to that#like during the credits part the very end im not even talking about before that. holy god#aziraphale i know everything about you. i know what you are feeling right now. i can see everything on your face. we're going to make it#ER.... NOT THAT THIS HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH THIS POST. IT'S NOT SPOILERS !!!!!!!!!!!!!#I JUST FEEL THOROUGHLY CHANGED !!!!!!!!!!! SHIT GETS REAL FROM NOW ON.. LIKE IN GENERAL! IN MY LIFE!#tormented gay love tormented gay love TORMENTED GAY LOVE TORMENTED GAY LOVE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#btw the first 3 images were drawn earlier with an entirely different feeling and an entirely different mood.#Why do you keep pulling away from me?#It is because i love you that i do this#the lyrics from one of my japanese orufrey songs (A SONG THAT THE CREATOR LISTENS TO!!!!) led to feelings#“あなたが知らない私を残さず見ててほしいの” but i'm not translating it cause it just sounds weird. if with his eyes oru's asking “WHY don't you want#to let me in? to see all of you?“ those lyrics are like ”I actually want you to see every last bit of the parts of me you don't know“#oru you have no idea how much i want to lay bare my whole soul for you#maybe it's an alternate version of chapter 40. to me#i need to draw something really fucking good or i'm not going to forgive myself. i will not rest in this life#until i have made the orufrey that fully satisfies me nor until i have seen what the manga is leading to#NO STORY MEANS ANYTHING WITHOUT TORMENTED GAY LOVE AT THE HEART OF IT. THATS THE HEART OF THIS WORLD!!!!!#........... so Hi im normal :) haha *goes and finally makes breakfast*
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Sinner!Adam Pt. 2
A/N: This was supposed to go together with another chapter, but it was gonna get too long, and I still need to fix it so yeah. Word Count: 3K
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Your steps are quick, and you have to slow yourself down. You’re far too giddy- your heart beating against your chest, making your ears burn hot at the shell. Demons and other hellion citizens already glance your way, some of them craning their head to watch where you go so eagerly- so willingly without an escort. It’s been far too long since you’ve been seen out. You need to relax. Your stomach twists itself into knots, butterflies fluttering in your stomach as you walk down the street. It’s been a while since you had actual eyes looking at you, and you have to tell yourself that no one cares about you, that it’s their curiosity, but they have no real thoughts about you. You come to a slow pace, restrained to a painful degree, with energy threatening to burst at the seams and leave you a mess.
It should come to no surprise that others look at you- some of them follow your figure until the crowd hides you long enough for you to disappear. While dating Lucifer had come with its perks early on in the relationship- such as bodyguards wherever you’d go, or even stores being reserved just for you- all of that dwindled along with the relationship. You never needed anything more than what you can just order online, and you hid yourself in the castle along with him. You never dared to leave, always worried of what you might hear from the people. But even so, that doesn’t stop the tabloids from theorizing about your relationship, or whether you’re still around or hiding in another ring.
You’ve forgotten what it was like to walk down the street. The anxiety. The fear. The skip in your step. The excitement. Leaving the castle that night to go and drink was something that you don’t regret. You haven’t felt like this in a long time, and it’s almost painful, but the warmth in your chest makes it bearable.
Turning the corner, you spot Adam sitting down on a table outside a restaurant. He’s slouched in the chair, his drink in front of him, as he scrolls on his phone. Hell’s citizens make a very obvious attempt to not get near him. You, however, make your way towards him, unable to hide the bounce in your step, unable to stop the grin.
“Adam!” You call when you’re just close enough, raising your hand in a wave. He looks up, startled, eyes wide and mouth partially agape. When he realizes it’s you, he gives you a lazy grin, lifting his hand up in greeting.
The chair scrapes against the ground, and you sit across from him, your legs criss crossing under the table. It’s only when you’ve sat that you notice another drink, partially hidden by the other. “Took you long enough,” he tells you without any real annoyance in his words. He places his phone face down, and pushes an unopened drink towards you. “Didn’t know what you wanted, and the waiters were being annoying about having to order.”
You smile apologetically, grabbing the drink with your hands. The condensation wets your hands, cooling them down and hiding any bit of sweat that you may have had. “Sorry for taking a bit longer than expected,” you tell him. He gives you an expecting look and you tap the top of the drink with your nail. “Charlie needed me for a bit, but I had no idea how long it would actually take.”
“Couldn’t you just say no?’
Opening the drink, you watch as the fizz climbs up the neck of the bottle. “I could have. But I like helping Charlie. She’s a good kid.” Adam pushes the menu towards you- his nails sharpened, gleaming under the light.
“Fuck that,” he snarls, “damn cunt can throw a punch.”
“Adam,” you call in warning. “You’re cool and all, but I won’t let you disrespect Charlie,” your voice goes low and he’s aware of you for a moment, his eyes canning you, as if the realization that you are an actual demon and he is no longer in possession of angelic steel has clicked. “You came into her home and targeted her friends and family, and her people.” Your hand reaches over and you grasp his hand tightly, your nails sinking into the flesh of his hand. “You can bitch about whatever you want with me, but not about her. Understood?”
“Yes,” he says quickly. Compared to other hellions, you aren’t the most threatening, but a demon is a demon, and he’s learned that lesson.
You smile. “Great!” You let go of his hand, letting yours return to your side of the table. “I haven’t been here before. How did you even find this place?”
As the words leave your mouth, someone comes to your table and clears their throat. You look up to see a hellhound with their teeth bared, as they glower at Adam. It seems as though his reputation exceeded far past just the Sinner hate, but also to the other residents of Hell. You shouldn’t be surprised- Hellborn and Sinners were near the bottom of the food chain, many of them were probably friends, or more. You wouldn’t be surprised if Exorcists had even murdered Hellborn just for the hell of it.
The hound before you stands tall, their fur on its end as they speak to Adam. You wonder if Adam can feel the disdain and hatred. It isn’t as if others are masking it- if anything it’s apparent. He isn’t just a Sinner- no, he’s much lower than that. You’d be terrified in his position, you’d never leave your home if you knew without a doubt that others couldn’t stand you. You wonder why he even goes out at all. You wonder how long he was alone in Hell for until you two met and became friends. You couldn’t fathom being all alone in a new place- especially one where you’re so obviously hated.
“And for you?” Their tone is noticeably different towards you. You had missed what Adam ordered, and you skim over the menu, choosing one of the first things you see as to not keep the waiter at the table.
“Oh, um this.” You point at the menu item, crossing your ankle over the other, cringing internally as you hadn’t repeated the menu item out loud. “Please.” The hound nods, and with a bow, they leave the table. You look up at Adam, who is busy staring down at his nearly empty drink. “What did you get?”
“The service here sucks,” he says in disgust. His lips curl in anger, his hands flat against the table. He grumbles something under his breath, and you glance to your side.
“They’re probably just tired,” you attempt to reason. Perhaps it's to protect him, even if he knows the reason why service is less than subpar. You wonder how long it took him to find a bar that would have him, or even a place to rent. Adam gives you an angry sort of look, but it quickly softens when you cock your head to the side. “I um- Sorry again if you were waiting for long,” you say softly. You shouldn’t have taken long- Charlie could have waited, but you lived in a moment where Adam wasn’t the most hated in Pride Ring, where he could stomach waiting for a few moments alone in a street full of Hell’s citizens.
He stays quiet, and brings his drink closer to him. “You look freaked walking down the street,” he says after a moment, his words tense, and slow as if he isn’t sure that that is what he wanted to say.
You shrug, attempting to play cool, but your bouncing leg gives you away. “It’s um, it’s been a while since I left the castle. When I- When we met that night, I wasn’t thinking clearly- I was a bit melodramatic and I guess, I just wanted the attention that I had gone out alone.” You twist your hands with each other, and you let your worry show, unable to settle it.
“From?” You furrow your brows. “The attention you wanted.”
You bow your head and tap the tips of your shoes against the sidewalk. “Lucifer,” you whisper, his name heavy on your tongue, and shame resting like a weighted blanket over you.
“Did you get it?” You thin your lips and shake your head. Adam pulls a face, and leans back into his chair. “Sucks.”
“Yeah, well, I expected it. I mean, it still hurt, but ya know, what can you do.” You give a smile to Adam, and it doesn’t reach your eyes. “Before, when we were good, um, he would assign guards to me.”
Adam perks up at the mention. “Really?” He sounds shocked.
“As much as Hell is my home, it’s um, not exactly safe. Especially when you’re dating royalty. So, Lucifer thought it was best that if I was to leave on my own, I would have guards assigned to me. He said that it was too dangerous for me to leave on my own. I didn’t really believe him-” you wave your hand in the air- “I thought he was being controlling, until I almost got kidnapped.” You snort at the end, resting your cheek against your knuckles.
“Almost?” Adam leans closer, now intrigued.
“I’m guessing Heaven really was safe compared to here,” you say. He gives you a look as if to say “duh”. You smile at him. “Probably for ransom or some demon who really hates royalty. One of the hellhounds assigned to me found my scent and killed the demon.”
“Oh,” he almost sounds shocked.
“Yeah, she tore out his throat.”
“You still got them around?” He asks, excitement laced into his words. You wonder how much he misses the carnage and bloodshed. “You know, in case I gotta watch out or something,” he tries to cover up, but you can see the way that his body comes to an alert, wanting and waiting for a reason to fight.
With an apologetic smile, you shake your head. “No, they returned to Beelzebub.” He raises a brow. “She handles Hellhounds. She’s down in gluttony, and she throws these big parties most of the time. People go over and they gorge themselves there- feeds into her sin, ya know?” You end, with a wave of your hand, unsure if he really needed an explanation or not.
“Did you care that they left?”
You shrug. “At first I did. I- I have this bad habit of-” you stop yourself- you want to see the good in people, you want to believe that they liked you as much as you like them- “well, it’s not important. But um, we were close, but I think that’s only because they were meant to guard me. But once Lucifer and I hit our rough patch and well I stopped going out as much.” You glance up at him, and quickly look away, interlocking your hands together. “He hardly made public appearances unless it was to visit the embassy-” you gesture to Adam with your hand- “or to visit one of the sins. And we hardly went on dates, so there was no reason to keep the guards around.” You look up at Adam and he’s silent, his brows slightly furrowed, creating small wrinkles between the space. “I’m sorry,” you say, embarrassment hot on your cheeks, “I didn’t mean to bring up Lucifer.”
The waiter returns, your order served on porcelain plates. The hound only gives you a passing glance, their eyes returning to Adam, narrowing in resentment. A check is already placed in between the two of you, the hound standing tall, intimidatingly so.
“Why the fuck are we getting the check already?” Adam asks, his body tense and expression matching the hound’s.
“So you don’t run off.”
“Oh for fuck’s-”
“I got it!” You chirp quickly, reaching into your wallet to pull out a large bill. You gather it with the check, and hand it the hound. “Keep the change,” you tell them, adding a smile at the end of your words, hoping that that is enough to keep everything at bay.
The waiter glances between your hand and you, and takes it gently in their hand. They mumble a halfhearted thank-you under their breath and walk away.
“What the fuck was that?” Adam asks. You take a sip of your drink, trying to find the right words. “I have money to pay for shit.”
“I don’t like confrontation. And it seemed like the two of you were going to get into it.” You kick your legs out, and your shoe bumps against Adam’s. “It just seemed easier to make them happy and leave us alone. But um, you can pay next time if you’d like.”
He scoffs. “You know I used to get shit for free in Heaven.” You scoff out a short laugh, your smile tender compared to his. “You don’t even get shit for free here.”
You laugh at the statement, covering your smile with your hand. “No, unfortunately, you have to prove yourself down here. Between you and I, before your last extermination, not a lot of demons respected Charlie. She kinda had to prove herself and she did- that’s why she had cannibals on her side in the last extermination. Not a lot of people respect me- I never gave them a reason to care about me. I’m not famous or scary. I’m simply a demon who got lucky to be in Lucifer’s grace.”
“Whatever,” he grumbles. There’s silence for a moment as you bite into your pastry. “Where would you go with him?”
“With Lucifer?” You ask, and he nods, his eyes fixated on his own plate. He moves the food around with a fork, letting it tear and poke through the food. “We’d do the usual stuff like dinner. But he’d take me to the other rings, sometimes. We’d go to Ozzie’s and have dinner and Asmodeus would have some of his best dancers perform for us. Or we’d go to Loo Loo Land and watch Fizzorolli at the circus.”
“Loo Loo Land?” Adam pulls a face at the name of the amusement park.
“Oh, um Lucifer owns Lu Lu World, and Mammon- Greed- ripped it off, and made his own amusement park called Loo Loo Land. It’s nothing like Lu Lu World, but we would make fun of the rides, and it’s definitely not up to code.”
“Fucking asshole made an amusement park.”
You snort and take another bite off your plate. Covering your mouth with your hand, you swallow your food quickly. “I think you’d like it. The rides at least. But probably not all the Lucifer imagery.”
He scoffs and takes a bite of his meal. With a full mouth, he asks. “And now? What do ya’ll do?”
“Well now, I beg him to eat with me, but I stopped doing that a while ago. I hated feeling dumb when he wouldn’t show up. But, I never really learn my lesson.” You look at him through your lashes, giving him a small smile, the corners only lifting for a brief moment before they fall.
It’s silent for a moment, and you despise yourself for talking about Lucifer again. “I’m surprised you showed up today,” Adam says, his gaze turned the other way to watch hellions pass by. There’s a light tint that dusts over his cheeks, and he taps his nails on the table, the rhythm slow and controlled, jittering for just a second.
Your hands are over the table, and with something sweet in your chest, you reach out to him. For the briefest second, the shortest moment, your fingers are outstretched, reaching to grab his hand, and when you catch his eyes, you let your hand slowly curl into a fist. “Of course, I came.” This must be how it feels to have a crush, to get excited over someone. “You invited me.” You’re screwed. In every possible way, you’re fucked. Adam entertained you enough for you to come at his beck and call, and you’re sure that you’re wide eyes and flustered, all smiles and laughter with him. “We are friends after all.” You want to hold his hand again. You need to hold him again, to feel his warmth, the callousness on his palms and fingertips.
His eyes stare into your own, and you hold your breath. His lips part, and there’s uncertainty in the way that he holds himself, a speck of vulnerability that you had the grace of witnessing all those nights ago. And in the blink of an eye, it’s gone. His smile is sharp, and playful- too mischievous and out of sorts compared to before. “Friends with a fucking demon,” he scoffs, looking down at his plate, his smile stretched a bit too wide. “Who would have thought?”
The acknowledgement of his perceiving you as a friend, has you perk up in your seat. It’s been far too long since you’ve had friends. And while you think you want more, having him as a friend is enough to make the warmth in your chest spread. Dating a king left you too out of touch, too removed to connect with others. And those at the castle don’t even respect you, they can only tolerate you- a false partner, one undeserving of any title unlike the Queen before you. You’re happy- ecstatic, overjoyed. You have someone who likes you, who- in such a childlike glee- wants to be your friend.
“Can you imagine that? An exorcist and a demon?” Your smile is wide, and you lean towards him, your body buzzing in excitement. “I’m sure that if you saw me out in the streets, you’d have attempted to kill me.”
“No attempts at anything, doll.” Adam points a finger at you, his smile proud and predatory. “I’d have spilled your guts all over the grimy ass floor.” His eyes gleam under the light, his smile scrunching up his eyes.
“Ha!” You snort. “You’re absolutely the worst.” Your laughter fills the air, and you light and bubbly. When you look at him again, he’s smiling gently at you, and it makes your laughter fade away. His hands are on the table, and you busy your hands with your food, hoping that the want to hold him will go away.
#hazbin hotel#adam x reader#hazbin adam x reader#hazbin hotel adam#hazbin adam#i think this guy is just neat#i don't have much of a design concept for him#i do think his horns carried over#and im stuck between wanting his skin to be with red or like brown#or even a pale yellow#kinda golden?? but pale#but i think thatll look like piss#but his design isn't usually mentioned#nor is it given too much attention right now#my internship sucks sm and like its draining the life out of me#ok bye love you for whoever reads this
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I kinda really hate how I've been treated throughout my life
#Entire life of abuse and neglect and mistreatment only to always be told none of it happened. To the point where I really struggle with#thinking that I made it all up or that I'm overreacting or faking or playing the victim constantly#I honestly try my best to move forward and I want to be happy. I see absolutely zero point in wallowing. Others can if they wish‚ but I wan#to enjoy my life at some point. I think I've gotten better the past year- In great part of my dearly beloved- but it's still so#deeply difficult. Interactions so commonly feel like a trap and there is the perpetual sense of being watched and monitored#I often feel like a prey animal that is cornered and my only options are to take it in fear and die or to lash out and hurt the other party#I think I'm not as mean as others in this system though LMFAO. I'm not like Roxas who once compared a friend of ours to our parents during#an argument.#<- Not to say Roxas is a bad person. He's a severely hurt and traumatized kid who kinda only knows how to lash out to protect himself#Sighs. It's complicated. I do not wish to be someone angry like Roxas or Lexi. But they actually talk back and stand up for themselves. And#the system as a whole. Whereas I fawn and take it and then wonder why I always want to kill myself 24/7#I don't really know how to speak up for myself because it really feels like every single time I do (Or just voice an opinion confidently in#a group) it goes horribly wrong and people get upset and angry with me#And then people being angry at me causes major fucking spirals because it reminds me of my mother and then I start feeling like I'm going t#be fucking berated and have a metal crate thrown at me again 😭😭😭 Or get kicked out of the car or given the silent treatment etc etc etc#Which is a me problem I need to get over my fear of people being mad at me because it's an inevitable fact of life but. Hashtag severely#traumatized and still actively being traumatized by multiple parties#And also being in my own head and existing is very fucking harmful! Being in a mind that is so aggressive and destructive... It's difficult#to just 'get over' my issues‚ you know? So whenever they come up I try to just isolate so I don't cause any issues#<- Unless it's my histrionic stuff acting up. Then I'm complaining like hell because it feels actually fucking painful to not be receiving#attention during those breakdowns#Anyways! I kinda fucking suck and hate myself right now and want to kms. But that's how I am 24/7 so whatever#tw suicide#⛪️
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Recently had enough energy to pull something out of my ass and post it. Been thinking about revamps a lot more recently. I'm probably gonna go on a break or hiatus for a bit though, been feeling pretty sick lately with a bunch of personal things going on. If I do post anything every now and then there probably won't be any captions it's killing me just to write all this LMAO😭
#life literally kinda sucks right now#I just wanna stop feeling sick bc of the stress dude💀#Ben drowned#creepypasta#creepypasta fandom#art#creepypasta art#gaymer art#Anyways goodbye Tumblr for who knows how long until my next post 😞
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the sludge
#my art#art#nightmare sans#undertale#utmv#my sona#trans#lesbian#both of us hes a lesbuan too#i got a shirt with a square box kinda neckline & a skirt with a slit recently and i love the idea of it but the shirt doesnt have the right#proportions and the skirt sucks its like staticy and too big but if i ordered smaller the waist wouldnt fit fuck my life this is why i nee#d a sewing machine#was conflicted on if to put the art of me first or the last art of nm first#i think the one of me is more eye catching but utmv fans would wanna see the one of n#I KEEP HITTING THR FUCKING. COMMA. & MY TAGS KEEP DISSAPEARING ON MY SCREEN#whatever. i dont fucking car.e#petting my fucking dog like a supervillain that just watched their plans get thwarted bt a superhero#i also decided to switch the order now the nm one is first#cause the lines r nice
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hello... (and bye ig 👋)
#👋😭 hi...#i haven't come on in about a month and i didn't realize a month passed by like that... i've kinda stopped using any apps on my phone#i barely even talk to my friends anymore lol 😭#i just saw my follower count this morning and realized i hit 13k and i was like 🥸 huh...#uhhhhhhh 😭 idk i wanted to say thank you i guess 🫂#i'm done with stayblr and tumblr in general 😭 this much has been obvious for a while now... i tried to fit myself back in during 5star but#i think i realized i've outgrown the vibes here and in online spaces in general... i don't really enjoy it anymore 😭 which is weird cause#i've used tumblr since i was in middle school so 🫡 end of an era some would say...#i think it sucks because i don't have the same feelings about this place or skz or anything in my life right now... i tried to ignore it bu#it's so obvious now that the entirety of december passed without me really talking to a single person / without me using social media /#without me really doing much except for like homework and assignments lmao#i think genuinely i've stopped enjoying everything i used to like and i don't know why 😭 it hit me the other day bc i don't even enjoy#pc collecting anymore which is CRAZY considering how much time and money i've put into that hobby so 👋🥸 who knows what goes on#i haven't consumed any skz content since rockstar dropped 😭 and that also feels weird to me... idk... i would say maybe i'm going through a#depressive episode but i don't really feel how i do then... i think i'm just tired like i always am and that's just how i am now .. i think#i'm just not really interested in things anymore? weird but .. yeah idk😭 if i knew what was wrong i would Fix It sndjdndkd mostly i'm just#sad because i haven't been talking to friends... i keep ignoring everyone and not replying to any texts from anyone because ????#i tell myself i will do it later but i know i won't ... idk i genuinely don't know why i'm struggling to talk to ppl anymore 😭 i've become#even more of a reclusive hermit than i already was 💀 and the worst part is i feel normal abt it#i don't feel /bad/ i just feel guilty that i'm not replying to ppl bc i don't want to hurt ppls feelings... on my end i feel Normal abt it#like i ??? is it weird that i'm so detached from everything that not even a month ago made me so happy..? that's weird right 😭 like idgi#i don't feel (as) depressed (as i usually do) but clearly ?? smth is wrong ?? like ik i'm not a clingy sentimental person but ? it kinda#makes me sad wondering if i really don't care abt ppl anymore ... but i think 😭 it's also the object permanence issues that come with adhd#not seeing or talking to the ppl i love . not doing my hobbies or seeing the groups i care abt . makes it easy to not care or forget what#they make me feel etc etc ... i get it... but idk 😭 if that's what this is . well wow it sucks ASS.. cause i feel guilty for not feeling#anything at all ... 😭 idk how to explain that HENSKDNISJS anywayyyy 💀#i came on cause i wanted to say thank you for 13k followers 😭‼️ and that i probably will not be online anymore unless i really want to say#this was a really long winded way to say i feel bad but i'm done with stayblr fr 👋🥸 i tried so hard for the last 2 years to make it feel#like home again but it stopped ages ago so 🥹 that's ok.. i still cherish my memories here 🫂 anyway thanku and sjsjsksksks bye i guess ����#who knows maybe i'll enjoy it one day again and come back :') never know what the future holds 🫡
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omg you’re learning Italian? I’m Italian! Ciao!! Sono sicura che sei bravissimə! (ə is like the gender neutral suffix lmao even if it’s not universally recognised)
Ciao! Sì, parlo italiano, ma solo un po'. Imparando italiano per tre mesi ora! Anche xlx mix migliore amicx è italianx. Lxi usa -x invece -ə. Grazie mille per usi -ə per me! Anche -o è va bene per me. Mi dispiace se non dico questo molto bene ancora.
#answers#anon#also to the other anon ask in the inbox: i'm planning to write a drabble for you#it's just taking me some time :( sorry! still getting back into writing#also again yeah i'm terribly sorry if my grammar or general speech sucks in italian right now#it's literally only been three months since i started lol#and i've been monolingual my whole life sadly </3#i hope this is at least kinda-sorta understandable#feel free to reach out over DMs or in my discord server or whatever if you want to talk more! i only know a couple italian speakers rn
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#it feels like the stupidest and most trivial problem in the world right now#but dating as a 27 year old in the modern age sucks#kinda makes me pysically ill thinking about how#the way im supposed to find the love of my life#is by opening an app and swiping through#like i did that#it worked out once#then fell apart in less than a year#and im supposed to do it again#and again#until it sticks?#thats hell for me#ive tried swiping on dating apps for years and years now#ive been on a handful of first dates#and ONE second date#at what point do i just give up#and accept ill one day die without ever being the person someone chooses#when is it my turn#ignore me#i should be asleep and i know its just bad brain acting up#but#it hurts#really bad here lately
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i have Thoughts
#just me hi#i'm gonna ramble now check this out Lmaoo:#ofc any major belief built on hating someone sucks. like fundamentally#and mostly the idea is that you would be protecting yourself and the Similar-to-yous (which is U-2.0)#and it's confusing like. what do you get out of this ?#ik there's the satisfaction. the deep feeling of security you get in your stomach believing that you're right and your anger is purifying#that you're somehow anointed for persecution by Words and Actions you see through the other side of a water glass#and i don't know what i'm tryna say. i'm confused hjfshvgh#of course there's fear. there's a lot of fear. but it's very selfish fear. the kind that makes you protect others because they're Just like#you#and i dunno. what's the point ? so you hate somebody. that's cool :)#how can you love people then. do you love people because they are people or because they have faces you wish you had ? or you can see faces#on them that may not be there ? or they say your face can be like theirs if you only try and never stray ? or that you've had this face all#along. why change? you can't change it's wrong#i dunno man. this makes no sense !!#isn't it always scary to hate everything ? i know it is#like yes the world hates everyone anyway but what is special about that ? what makes this fear worth so much more than another person ?#i dunnooooooo ♪#maybe im just naive! but holding onto somethin like that until you find solace in misery is no way to be baby! i'm gonna go eat snow outsid#//anywhoooooooooo i AM drawing. and that IS in fact a lie i've been procrastinating on it for some timeeeeeeeeeee ggoroughhhhhhhhhhhh LMAO#i don't wanna :( but i REALLY wanna you get what i'm sayin hfshjgjfsh#it could be so easy.. life could be a dream life could be a dream... doo doo doo doo ba dee...... ♪#i need to find an animal for this though and i don't wanna 😔 i do hate this part of the process jfhgfjghjsf#don't like.. researching animals..... it's Not fun lol#but i must prevail. because it's inevitable that i do :/ oh wells#so i'm gonna GO and watch my VIDEO and have a SNACK and DRAW :33 because i WANNA. okey doke hjfshgs#TOODLES 💫💥#//edit: also lowkey i feel like hate is too weak word for this kinda thing ykno? like damn what's got the gates of hell open dude chill Lol#okay BYEEE
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how crazy am i for listening to a song on loop because of two specific chords which are exactly the same in any other piano cover of this song (death by glamour - toby fox) but this persons piano just makes them sound ever so slightly different and now its invoking emotions and nostalgia and memories that dont exist but its like the feeling of memories and i just i get so emotional in a new kinda way when i listen to it so i just have it on loop. this is the first time this has happened but i have had similar situations with other songs.... ps heres the cover im talking abt: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ckEwxiMiNpE
#and like.... idk but im the kinda guy that doesnt enjoy listening to new genres of music#i listen strictly to jazz/classical/video game or movie music btw#so like when i do listen to something new theres a high chance i wont like it#or ill like it so much im going to listen to it on loop for the next few days or weeks#... yeah i still listen to Magneto on loop sometimes but less than before#xmen first class soundtrack is a BOP#ok anyway wanted to say that i tend to listen to albums/playlists on loop more#but its always ones i make i never listen to other peoples playlists#bc if theres one song i dont like im immediately just gone. im super picky and im sorry but at least im enjoying myself#instead of skipping one (or more) songs i dont like#is there a tag limit#anyway my headphones are charging so now i live in silence and keyboard tapping#life sucks without my isolation from the outside world#except i also CRAVE being in constant awareness of everything around me#but at home im like. headphones 24/7#only exception is if im sleeping (and sometimes i sleep with the headphones if im moody)#ok goodnight ill probably rant again soon (maybe right now)
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It's just me venting, don't worry about it.
I know everyone moves at their own pace but some days I feel like my pace is just way too slow and I feel inadequate, or like a failure.
I can't lie, lately, most days I just... I basically eat food and sleep, and get very little work done. My body is weak, my brain is foggy.
I mostly just survive. My room is a mess, to the "I can't find my stuff," point.
Turns out they rejected my academic paper, don't even want revisions for it, literally says if I revise it, I should send it to a different journal... so that's like, months and months gone to trash.
I just feel like I keep wasting and wasting years and I can't get anywhere. I wish I could be important.
#sorry. I'll be fine.#it's just that things are a little bit. well a bit too much#there's also this guy on my back. I kinda work for him... for like a comical amount of money... he's like a vampire sucking on my life-forc#i feel like I'm very close to calling him a Swear Word and leaving his ass lmao#but he mightttt be able to write me a nice reference letter so I can't do that right now Fuck.#ruff talks
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bad stuff in my brain tonite dudes. not a fan
#kit talks#just so much worry#worry over my nephew and worry over my sister who’s having a godawful month#guilt and shame from how messy my house is and how i’m never going to get around to cleaning it up#like i can’t even start. there’s just so much clutter and i have no idea how to deal with it#i’m too goddamn tired to deal with anything#then i feel guilty bc like i said my sisters life kinda sucks right now and me feeling guilty for also being in a bad spot doesn’t help—#anyone but the guilt is still there#going to a theme park w friends this weekend and i feel Guilty for spending money and Guilty for not using the time to fix my life#and Guilty for not like. doing what my sister did for me and using the time + money to do stuff with the kids#and yes. i know those things are batshit insane. but they won’t go away#and i go back to work tomorrow after being off since friday and GOD i do not want to#my friend has covered for me (and from the sounds of it she’s been fantastic) but there’s still gonna be 100 emails and all the teams msgs#and having doctors whine about how ‘everything burns down when you’re not here!!!!!!!’#and i’m just already tired. i don’t want to deal with any of this#anyway. that’s that. so i guess i need to try and make myself sleep so at least i’ll just be normal tired tmrrw n not sleep deprived tired
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despite pretty much all of the evidence from like the entirety of this year so far, i am still choosing to believe that i will
EVENTUALLY
MAYBE
SOMEHOW
manage to brute-force-exposure-therapy myself back into being able to complete one (1) unit of Outside Human Socializing
without coming home afterward feeling like i have made the world some amount worse by having done so.
#(& like i therefore deserve to feel a proportional amount of guilt for not having Known Better & Done Better & just Been Born Better)#hi friends hope you're all alive & well; i continue to be Bad at Tumblr#stuff for me has actually objectively been going hella well & this post is not representative of the whole#my new house that i actually own (!!!) is amazing & i love it & FINALLY NO MORE MOVING IT'S ACTUALLY FINALLY DONE#but also i have gone outside and talked to people twice in the past 3 days & it continues to kinda make me feel like i should die?? (:#like aw cool that was a nice night out; now time for the obligatory ideation of ritual suicide to reset the karmic balance!!#b/c i existed outside & talked to people & definitely took up Too Much Space Too Loudly in the process#i am a tar pit my existence is a drain on everything good in this world how am i gonna make up for it#I FEEL LIKE IF I JUST KEEP POWERING THROUGH EVENTUALLY MY BRAIN WILL GET BORED OF THIS RIGHT??#I THINK THAT IS WHAT I DID BEFORE..?#KINDA THINK I PROBABLY DO REMEMBER SOME PARTS OF MY LIFE WHERE IT WASN'T EXACTLY LIKE THIS EVERY TIME?#tl;dr currently choosing to believe i'm just like#supernaturally rusty at All Of The Social Skills#maybe just one of those things where (re)learning it means sucking absolute ass every time you try UNTIL#someday suddenly you Get It.#and it Just Works.
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me when i have a boyfriend‼️🤯
and FRIENDS‼️‼️‼️🤯🤯🤯
#i mean this is nothing new lol but like#AAAAAAAAA#life kinda sucks right now but i have people who like actually care about me????#and want to hang out with me????#and i have like the bestest boyfriend ever omg#this is great#holding hands is great#aaaaaaaaa#i didn’t think i’d be here but like wow#i’m very grateful#today wasn’t great physically but it was a good day#i’m just excited#:)#anyways
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