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formulinos · 2 years ago

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HYPERFIXATION CORNER | NOW, THAT'S WHAT I CALL LATE STAGE FORMULA 1!

theydies and gentlemen of f1blr, i regret to inform you guys that the rumours are true: we live in a society. liberty media's tenure with FOM has opened a can of worms that ushered in what i've been calling lately "late stage formula 1". But the thing is, what the fuck would that be, exactly? so, as a good scholar, i took it to myself to study more about late stage capitalism in order to truly understand the term and see if my application made any sense. in today's hyperfixation corner, we'll get deeper than necessary on the microcosm of capitalism that f1 has become. and then we will get depressed. but maybe, just maybe, we can figure this out.

note: this has 7k words AND at times gets quite dense in terms of sociological theory, but i truly did my best to make it palatable. still, this is not going to be everyone's cup of tea and might get boring. if you still believe this is your thing, i just ask you to please hang on tight and see it through to the end as i truly feel everything ties up together rather logically.

PART I: THE DAWN OF LATE STAGE FORMULA 1

the basics of late stage capitalism

the application in late stage formula 1

PART II: YOU CAN'T RUN AWAY - FORMULA 1 AND CAPITALIST REALISM

mark fisher's capitalist realism

the indycar situation

was there ever class consciousness in f1?

the illusion of abu dhabi

THE DAWN OF LATE STAGE FORMULA 1

1. The Basics of Late Stage Capitalism

For a term we see being used daily on several outlets, you'd be surprised to find out that there isn't a rigid definition. In fact, depending on who you talk to, you'll get widely different explanations, since there's basically "academia" late capitalism and "normie" late capitalism. I'll brush up those two for you guys real quick because, at this point, might as well.

The term was coined by a German scholar Werner Sombart. At the time, just at the start of the XX century, he was a HUGE Marx/Engels stan. He had all of their photocards, but beyond that, he also took to himself to write his lifetime's defining work, which is basically an expanded universe fanfic to what Marx and Engels wrote, tbh. In 1902, Sombart started to publish "Der moderne Kapitalismus" (Modern Capitalism), comprised of three volumes in which he discussed four stages of capitalism: proto-capitalism, related to the appearance of capitalist-like tendencies in feudal society until it became proper capitalism + early capitalism, which was basically seen pre-industrial revolution; high capitalism, which came in with the industrial revolution and ended with WWI; and at last, late capitalism, which was what they were living at the time of the third book release (1927), that is, post world wars world. That's all very chill, but given that later on Sombart drank the kool aid and became a Nazi, he can fuck off.

Thank God, two other dudes came in to take the expression from Sombart. Ernest Mandel and Fredric Jameson are two scholars who, although published their works in different times, were responsible for widespreading the term. Mandel published Late Capitalism in 1975, marking it as the era of economic expansion post WWII that, in his view, would reach its peak in the 70s since the economy was starting to have frequent crises. Jameson, however, dropped his book, Postmodernism or, the Cultural Logic of Late Capitalism, 16 years later, talking about the then-current world marked by globalisation and the expansion of capitalism to culture (arts, lifestyle, etc.).

All of this is to say that, today, if you ask an economist or a political scientist, they will most likely talk to you either about this time progression or straight out use Fredric Jameson's definition. Which, tbh, works, since in a way Jameson touches on the expansion of capitalism to daily life, something that goes in common with the contemporary POV on late capitalism.

We legit live in hell rn, no big deal

If you go on Reddit or watch corecore edits on tiktok, then there is a sense of dread and irony that's unique to the internet's definition of late capitalism. Since it's a relatively recent thing, there isn't a concrete way to define it, so I'll just use the one given by Ian Neves (Brazilian Historian) in his video about Capitalist Realism because I think it's the one that manages to summarise it the best: Late Stage Capitalism is the stage of capitalism in which the contradictions of capitalism are so evident that they become explicit to the population. That is, it is so in your face that it stops being campy. It's just tacky.

In the video, Neves further explains that one of the big deals about capitalism is that it sells itself as a contradiction-free system, but in our current time we aren't quite fooled anymore. A few examples of this would be multinationals like Amazon opening factories in underdeveloped places like Tijuana, under the guise of wanting to "help develop the country" but placing themselves close to a slum, clearly showing their intentions of exploitation; You can also think of the "art" market of NFTs, which are nothing more than numbers stored in a computer - capitalism touts itself as being a creator of value capable of meeting society's needs, yet there is no need met with NFTs besides value generation for the sake of value generation and pure speculation. Anyway, there are several examples and whatever you think is probably Late Stage Capitalism.

2. The Application in Late Stage Formula 1

Having done this deep dive, imagine my face when I realised that it turns out I didn't just pull "Late Stage F1" out of my ass. I was gooped! Gooped, I tell you. See, if late stage capitalism is now defined as the era in which capitalism's contradictions are explicit, then Late Stage F1 can be easily perceived as the stage of the sport in which its contradictions are no longer capable of being ignored by the fans either. In that sense, it does feel that this is the perfect way to synthesise the bitterness that a large part of the fandom tastes in their mouths.

note: I'm not stating that pre-Liberty Media Formula 1 was perfect. God forbid I become one of the purist fans talking about the good ole days. Bernie Ecclestone wasn't shit and in a way, some of our issues nowadays are inherited from his tenure as the head of FOM. But, at the same time, the sport managed to sell itself as a luxury hobby while still being satisfying and accessible, in a way or another, to the non-wealthy fans. You couldn't see as many contradictions as now because the image of the sport was more or less aligned with what you actually saw, good and bad.

The same, unfortunately, can't be said nowadays. To illustrate my point, let's take a look at FOM's Corporate Strategic plan, released in 2020. The idea, in their words, is "to deliver a more popular, more exciting, and sustainable sport, which pushes the boundaries whilst protecting our heritage.", supported by six axes:

Race – Increase competitiveness and unpredictability on track

Engage – Produce an amazing spectacle for fans on and off track

Perform – Generate value to our shareholders

Sustain – Deliver sustainable and efficient operations

Collaborate – Create win-win relationships with our partners

Empower – Build an engaged and high-performing workforce

Besides Perform and Collaborate, arguably the two most capitalistic inclined pillars, it's incredibly easy to find counter-arguments to illustrate how this is just corporate talk and doesn't actually reflect on the sport. [cracks fingers] So, let's get it:

✷ Increase competitiveness and unpredictability on track: Ok, sure, they try with this one as it is the core of the sport - after all, this is what the regulations' tweaks are for. But you just need a quick overview of the Andretti situation to see that competitiveness only serves the structure to a certain point. After all, although Andretti managed to get the backing of a manufacturer (General Motors, in the form of Cadillac) which, in theory is enough to make it a more legitimate entry less likely to Caterham levels of bankruptcy, the vibes are still somehow off from camp F1.

Michael and Mario Andretti on a pit wall during something that WASN'T a Formula 1 race

This all boils down to the revenue split at the end of the season between the teams and FOM: once you remove the bonuses that are thrown around, roughly 50% of what's left goes to FOM, and the other 50% are the championship prize money (don't quote me on these percentages actually, I'm not sure if it's exactly 50/50) . If Andretti gets in, then either the teams' share gets diluted as a consequence of an extra mouth to be fed, either FOM needs to adjust its own reward to increase the total prize money and make sure that all teams still get the same liquid value for positions 1-10.

Now, Andretti are willing to pay the 200 million dollars "anti-dillution" fee that's to be distributed to the already existing teams as a regulated "sorry we're gonna have to split the prize money in 11 from now on". Yet, instead of welcoming the bid, teams have lobbied for an increase to that fee to 600 millions, a cheap tactic to either get more money or to keep Andretti out. On one hand, Christian Horner has made it clear, from the teams' perspective it is about the money. On the other hand, Stefano Domenecali and FOM are hot and cold, stating that he's happy Andretti are interested but mad that they're calling out the bureaucracy of the process.

The key aspect here is that F1 no longer needs an American team to reinforce their position in the United States market as they did back in 2014 when Haas formalised their entrance. In fact, they don't even need Haas to assert themselves as American anymore as they have three GPs lined up regardless of the team's national fanbase. This way, in FOM's optics, they have nothing to gain from Andretti. In a way, the teams are basically doing what's expected of them, but bottomline is the fact that FOM is fucking mental in adopting the same perspective instead of planning how an extra entry of such magnitude as Andretti-Cadillac could pay itself with time.

✷ Produce an amazing spectacle for fans on and off track: See, I guess you can call me a bit of an old school fan, because when it comes to Formula 1, I WANT TO SEE THE FUCKING CARS RUN ON THE FUCKING TRACK. I suppose many of you are aligned with me on that one.

Using the 2021 numbers as reference since we didn't get the 2022 report yet, the average global audience is around 70.3 million. Given that the biggest venues can only hold 400k attendants tops, the rest of those 70m fans are watching the GPs from home. They are also most likely having to pay for it, since F1TV's dominion keeps increasing. While, all credit is due, F1TV offers a much better pay-per-view experience than many other sports have, with a very rich archive and incredible coverage of each race weekend, some of these prices per country are a legit effort for a fan to make.

From the Reddit post, an example of the price disparity between countries. F1TV is priced accordingly to the purchasing power that each country has.

Could be worse as many other fans are held hostage by Sky Sports, which is only available with a much more expensive £34.99 subscription to UK and Ireland fans, who don't even have F1TV as an alternative option. Given that Sky also has the airing rights in Germany and Italy, the fact is that F1's free to air presence has been lowering over the years (a problem that has been discussed in 2016 and represented a decrease in viewership at the time, mitigated by the Liberty Media efforts). But F1 really can't be arsed in considering a full return to free-to-air TV given the current times and so, the idea is to basically adapt to the pay TV market as much as possible and to retain free-to-air positions in specific markets. And if you, individually, don't have the money to pay for it and there is no free-to-air alternative for you, tough titties.

When it comes to actually attending a Grand Prix though, it's becoming equally harder to do it. The F1destinations 2023 rank shows that there has been an average 56% increase on the average 3-day ticket price in relation to 2019, costing roughly 508 dollars. In terms of affordability, these tickets can represent from under 10% to over 50% of the average monthly net wage for the countries hosting the GP. If it was just the tickets that would be easy peasy, but the fact is most of the times attendance includes the need for housing, transportation, food, etc. What this means is that it's fucking expensive, ok?

The GPs are getting more and more packed, but for how long?

Again, the sport has always been elitist, but there was for a good while a relative balance between your average fan who managed to save up and get a GA ticket with the rich wealthy fans at the paddock drinking their champagne. Nowadays, even people who were regular attendees of their home gps have tapped out due to being priced out. Plus, even the new GPs added to the calendar already come with a big disclaimer "FOR MONEY ONLY" as, for instance, the cheapest tickets for Las Vegas cost 500 bucks but the real average price for the three days is $1,667.

So, if they are in fact producing a great spectacle for fans, it's becoming more and more hard for said fans to actually be able to see it. Whatever.

✷ Deliver sustainable and efficient operations: F1 made a pledge in 2020 to improve their relationship to Mother Nature by 2030, which includes: Net Zero carbon, sustainably-fuelled, hybrid power units, efficient and low/zero carbon logistics & travel, 100% renewably powered facilities and credible carbon sequestration. The whole pdf has a bunch of lovely lines about their grandiose plans, but these are somewhat easily dragged to filth by anyone who understands just a tiny bit of eco-sustainability. One of these people is David Bott, chief innovation officer for the Society of Chemical Industry*.

Bott explains well the situation with the fuel. F1 cars currently use E10, which is a mix of gasoline (+ the likely additives that gasoline already has) with 10% ethanol, a sustainable fuel. The thing is, gasoline is more popular than ethanol for cars for a reason: if you take 1L of gasoline and 1L of ethanol, when you burn them, gasoline will give you way more energy. According to Bott, this means that the new E10 fuel is not as potent as gasoline would be, so you end up needing to use more of it anyway and in the grand scheme of emissions, that means fuck all.

F1's carbon footprint per sector. Does something feel funny to you?

Still, as F1 itself showed in their sustainability report back in 2020, the power unit emissions are less than 1% of the total emissions during a season. As you'd imagine, the thick of it really lies in logistics (45%, transportation of all equipment) and business travel (27,7%, transportation+hotels of f1 staff). Drivers and TPs carpooling with their private jets might help a little bit, but it's evident that F1 doesn't give a single shit about improving those numbers given that the calendar has expanded to 23 races, three of them in the same country but in completely different times of the year, which means that the back and forth of airplanes between continents will correspond to a 15% increase to emissions in relation to last year. According to Paolo Feser, If they were to at least organise the calendar in a sensible manner, they could cut these emissions by half, but such a calendar would go against their contracts with Bahrain and Abu Dhabi for the season's opener (till 2036) and finale (till 2030), respectively. When you consider the pledge's deadline of 2030, it's pretty evident that they'll say they made it because of the drop-in fuel in development, but logistics are far removed from the rest of it.

✷ Build an engaged, high-performing workforce: TALKING OF THE 23 RACE CALENDAR, the biggest impact is obviously on the workforce. Race weekends are gruelling enough for the drivers, who have stated through the GPDA their concerns of burnout. But then, you also have to consider the garage side, who are used to a minimum of 12-hour shifts during a race weekend, having to adapt to more frequent double and triple headers. As an anonymous mechanic said:

"Then, when you are coming home on a Monday morning or Monday evening, and you haven't slept properly in days, that then affects how you feel in your personal time. It means your relationships can suffer – either because you are agitated with your partners or you've got other things on your mind. And that's not fair on you nor them. You are not just mentally fatigued, you are physically drained as well. As the season wears on, there are a hell of a lot of injuries happening. The teams do have doctors and physios to help look after you, but the easiest solution is to pump you with painkillers to just keep you going. There is no way in a million years that a regular doctor would give you what we are given to keep us going."

The psychological strain adds to the anxiety of creating the perfect car and work culture has become increasingly tense. To add to the tension, the cost cap negatively reflected on the workforce as many teams, including RBR and Mercedes, had to fire people to adapt to it. Those who stay have to be reminded that they are "so lucky" to still have a job and if "they don't like it, they can go" (as Tost said in 2021) but the situation is overall so demotivating that yeah, people are quitting motorsports overall or changing categories. To sum up, the engagement and performance of the workforce isn't out of love for the sport, but fear and pressure.

To wrap this with a golden bow, I could never forget the #WeRaceAsOne initiative, still touted by F1 as a campaign that really wants to bring awareness and impact important problems in our society. When it was created in 2020, the main focuses were COVID-19 and social inequalities, but given that they banned T-shirts in podiums in 2020 after Lewis Hamilton protested the death of Breonna Taylor by the hands of US pigs, they clearly weren't comfortable in really tackling the inequality issue. Therefore, they changed the goals of the campaign for a very corporate "Sustainability, Diversity and Inclusion & Community" axis, whatever the hell they mean with that. It's good that they can focus on it all they want, as the FIA has banned drivers from political statements during race weekend procedures. Moreover, while the boycott of the Russian Grand Prix is completely justifiable, it still feels empty once you consider they raced in Saudi Arabia while a factory mere miles away from the track was bombed, also as an act of war.

To sum up, the fact is that late stage Formula 1 is here to stay and we have to deal with all of the sport's contradictions. The same way that late capitalism does not mean that the end of capitalism is near, late stage f1 means nothing as its popularity has been rising more and more, and at the current rate, the abandonment of the older fans means jackshit as more people show up on social media and are willing to pay what's necessary to either watch it or attend races. The question that might linger, in fact, is if F1 has reached the point of inevitability at last?

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YOU CAN'T RUN AWAY - FORMULA 1 AND CAPITALIST REALISM

1. Mark Fisher's Capitalist Realism

Even when we're faced with the existence of a late stage Formula 1, whether when it's concretely laid down or just a feeling deep down, many of us still continue to engage with it. As much as we complain about it, the current panorama does show an expansion of the sport, which can only happen as well because a good chunk of the old school fans remain. The question is, why do we insist on watching a sport when we know shit is that bad? Is it solely because of affectionate ties to a team, a driver or even f1 itself? Sure, these factors contribute to it, but what if I told you that it is also because current F1 has finally managed to sink into our collective consciousnesses as inevitable?

To understand what I'm trying to say here, we need to look first at the big picture. That is, if we have been treating F1 as a microcosm of capitalism up to this point, it's now necessary to step back and face Capital itself. In order to do this, I want to introduce to you guys the concept of capitalist realism.

Say hello to Mark Fisher (1968-2017), an incredible mind gone too soon

While, just like late stage capitalism, "capitalist realism" was an umbrella term used for a myriad of different meanings, we don't have to contextualise its timeline. Rather than that, we can jump straight to Mark Fisher's defining work, "Capitalist Realism: Is There No Alternative?", published in 2009. In it, Fisher defines it as "the widespread sense that not only is capitalism the only viable political and economic system, but also that it is now impossible even to imagine a coherent alternative to it". Putting it in simpler terms, it's easier to imagine the end of the world than the end of capitalism.

With capital realism, Fisher no longer talks just about the influence of capitalism at a socio-economic level, but also how it bled into the cultural and psychological spheres (scary!!!!!!!). All of this culminates in apolitical attitude towards capitalism: since we can't escape the system because things are like this, all we can do, realistically, is to adapt to it and try to minimise its effects instead of actually fighting them.

Having that in mind, I ask you guys: can you imagine the demise of F1? We often hear about it separating from the FIA, but similarly to capitalist realism, Formula 1 losing its world championship status (as close to its end of the world as it gets) feels more likely that a massive restructuring of the category or it shutting down for good. Similarly, fans have adopted an "it is what it is" point of view towards the sport as we all know what FOM and the FIA are like and we don't have, supposedly, the power to change anything, we just have to suck on whatever they propose to us.

Stefano Domenicali (FOM CEO) and Mohammed bin Sulayem (president of the FIA), joined in unholy matrimony

Now, capitalist realism didn't show up out of the blue. According to Fisher, neoliberalism was the mother of capitalist realism. This is because its campaign in the 80s and 90s with regan and maggie thatcher (names in lowercase because I don't respect them) was successful in gaslighting people into thinking that it wasn't necessarily perfect, but it was the only approach of government rooted in reality. Once it was implemented, the next step was to consolidate it, which happened thanks to two factors: the end of the soviet union and the transition to post-fordism. I know this seems crackheaded and with no relation to F1, but give me a chance pls!

Trigger warning: the many faces of neoliberalism

During the Cold War, there was a concrete antagonist to capitalism in the shape of the USSR*. With its demise, this role of a real opposition to it was completely obliterated, allowing for capitalism to expand however it pleased without anything to contest it. Similarly, maybe F1's biggest triumph in these last two decades - and this is why I said at the top that Bernie wasn't shit and the problem about late stage F1 had its roots further back - is that it successfully managed to free itself from the sole category that threatened its popularity: Indy Car.

*note: by stating this, there is absolutely no value judgement. the statement is not about the ussr being a problematic fave or a communist hell that needed to be abolished. it was just a physical entity that asserted itself as a possible alternative to capitalism. by its physical existence, it allowed for public consciousness to understand that, if the ussr was a possible alternative to capitalism, then there might as well be plenty of others. kindly remember that the ussr was quite oppressive and countless people and countries suffered on their hands, while also understanding that for this particular purpose, it did its job.

2. The IndyCar Situation

The IndyCar World Series as we know it was established in 1979, with CART (Championship Auto Racing Teams) as the governing body behind it. The similarities between F1 and IndyCar went beyond the cars (although the Indys were a tad less sophisticated than F1s): the creation of CART itself was based on Bernie's FOCA model (television rights, sponsorships, etc).

IndyCar's Indianapolis 500, 1992. Not bad in terms of attendance!

From the 80s, its popularity grew in America, with them even inheriting venues that originally held grand prix, like Long Beach. Still, no one was really intimidated by them as F1's presence in the US, albeit messy with several different events attempted, was constant during that period. However, shit went down in the next decade, when Formula 1 was shut down by the organisers of the US Grand Prix at Phoenix right in 1991. From that point, it would take 9 years for F1 to get back, at the heart of American racing, Indianapolis. Hold this information.

Once F1 disappeared from 'Murica, IndyCar thrived, at least for a while. CART had managed to join ACCUS (Automobile Competition Committee for the United States), who are affiliated to the FIA, which made it possible for drivers to race in Indy without losing their super licenses. Soon, there was a migration from foreign drivers to IndyCar, and that included people from F1, such as Emerson Fittipaldi. Once that happened, the sky became the limit for Indy and they started to race outside of the US. By 1993, Nigel Mansell had dropped F1 after a rift with Williams and decided to go drive for Newman/Haas at IndyCar instead.

Nigel Mansell and teammate Mario Andretti. Oh how I want Nigel, ngl.

note: the motherfucker demolished his competition, won IndyCar and is still the only person to be, technically, F1 and IndyCar champion at the same time.

At this point, some people will say Bernie Ecclestone wasn't bothered, but he hadn't even gotten over losing the Long Beach GP to CART back in 84. You know Bernie, I know Bernie, we all know Bernie. HE WAS MAD!!!! At the same time, NASCAR was rising in popularity like never before, causing a certain rivalry between the categories over who would take over the hearts of all the petrol head americans.

Enter Tony George, then head of the Indianapolis Motor Speedway and chairman at CART. Tony believed that CART was getting lost in the game and ignoring Motorsport Traditions by racing in venues that weren't ovals. Since Georgy was annoying as fuck, CART booted him from the board of directors, which was one of the most stupid decisions given that he owned the track that literally gave the name to their championship. IndyCar's whole thing was the Indianapolis 500, right? "So fuck you too," Tony George cried while being thrown away from the CART offices by security "You don't want me? Then you don't get to race the Indy 500 anymore!".

Well, it didn't happen exactly like that. Instead, Tony George created a separate category called Indy Racing League that would be dedicated exclusively to ovals and get to be the owner of the Indy 500 from 96 onwards. The original IndyCar series changed its name to CART and Indy racing in America became fractured. Just to be clear, IRL did allow an 8 CART car limit to compete at Indy 500, but CART decided to boycott the event instead. This worked for some time, and CART still managed to make do with their reserves (they even offered to buy F1 in 1998) but soon these started to dry out as sponsors dropped the series and teams started breaking the boycott to race in Indy 500, eventually by the 2000s completely defecting to IRL. In 2004, CART filed for bankruptcy and got bought out, living as a zombie series until 2008 when IRL bought it and reunified them. At this point, the damage was done as NASCAR had taken over in popularity and F1 was back since 2000, racing the IMS.

Tony and Bernie, BFFs 5eva

Oh yeah, haven't you heard? 1998 also marked the year where it was announced by Bernie that F1 would come back to the United States, racing at the holy land of Indianapolis herself. Sounds sketchy? You're not the one to think that, as both Jacques Villeneuve (1995 IndyCar champion 1995) and Gordon Kirby (journalist, US correspondent for Autosport 1973-2004) have stated that Bernald, alongside NASCAR boss Bill France, basically whispered sweet nothings in Tony George's ear to get him to act a fool. Although it took several more years for F1 to finally sink its teeth into the United States in an effective manner, the main competition was out before they could even expand further.

It was up to Formula 1 then to expand without anything to stop it, as we can see in the many calendar changes we've had over the years. Even further, since there is no antagonist, this has also allowed F1 to turn its sights to the feeder system, creating its own "preferred" path that, with the super license points system basically make it harder for drivers who are outside of the F1 feeder series bubble to make it to F1 (as we've even seen recently with Colton Herta). Same thing is happening to the W Series, which for lack of funds wasn't able to finish their 2022 season even though they were promoted to an F1 support championship, racing. While Formula 1 did not offer to help them or tried to integrate them properly in the feeder series ladder, they have just recently announced F1 Academy, their own initiative for female drivers, placed officially just under Formula 3 with a direct link. That's great for the female drivers, but incredibly fucked up at the same time.

3. Was There Ever Class Consciousness in F1?

Yeah, so the whole lack of opposition didn't help on an external basis, but there is also an internal factor that cannot be ignored and it's linked to post-Fordist work structure. In Capitalist Realism, Mark Fisher cites a study by Richard Sennett called "The Corrosion of Character: The Personal Consequences of Work in the New Capitalism". In it, Sennett states:

"Where formerly workers could acquire a single set of skills and expect to progress upwards through a rigid organizational hierarchy, now they are required to periodically re-skill as they move from institution to institution, from role to role. As the organization of work is decentralized, with lateral networks replacing pyramidal hierarchies, a premium is put on ‘flexibility’.[...] This flexibility was defined by a deregulation of Capital and labor, with the workforce being casualized (with an increasing number of workers employed on a temporary basis), and outsourced."

Translating this, instead of becoming a specialist on something, you become a jack of all trades without any job stability. In the F1 world, this is seen not only in drivers changing teams and getting sacked of the category altogether, but also in the poaching of talent between teams and the frequent internal restructurations. Ian Neves says that post-Fordism was key in the establishment of capital realism because its natural consequence is the individualisation of work, which leads to the weakening of trade unions and ultimately, the mining of class consciousness.

As one would expect, there isn't a trade union that looks after all F1 workers. Instead, most of the engineers, mechanics and other staff are subject to the unions of the countries the factories are located at (for instance, Alpine is protected by the "collective convention of metallurgical engineers and workers").Therefore, as much as the personnel is against work conditions and calendar expansion, it's much more difficult for them to unite and rally against it as they have been segmented.

Ferrari team photo, 2022. Together, but divided nevertheless

This is particularly fucky when you consider the existence of the GPDA. The Grand Prix Drivers' Association is a trade union that, historically, has made itself heard in delicate situations where drivers needed to claim their rights and fight for their safety. Unfortunately, this comes with a side effect that reinforces a difference between drivers from the rest of the F1 crew. While they are absolutely right and the GPDA should exist as a trade union regardless of the existence of a larger one encompassing all workers, the fact is that the illusion that drivers are in the status quo of the sport, and not subject to it, remains.

Look, as much as they are in a privileged spot and reap all its benefits, the fact is they do not own the cars they run - well, at least not most of the time [stares at the Strolls]. They still rely on the teams that own the structure and the backing of sponsors, that is, the means of production, to work. Most of the time, when they retire from F1, they still tend to race in other categories or find side quests. While I have no doubt that drivers are super passionate for racing and you can't completely quit it, how much are we sure that this is also not partially motivated by the desire to make sure they are still able to afford the lifestyle they had as Formula 1 drivers? Marx was clear, baby, the drivers are as much the proletariat as anyone else. By separating them from the rest of the structure and maintaining the post-fordist work structure for the rest of the teams, class consciousness inside the paddock is close to none and it helps to consolidate F1's status as an almighty being.

4. The Illusion of Abu Dhabi

Here's the thing: if "realism" is used as an argument for maintenance of the current state of affairs, by conforming to what's in theory "realistic", then the best way to threaten it, according to Fisher, is if you manage to expose the cracks of said "realism". This should be able to work because, get this, there is a difference between what's Real and what's reality.

Again, sorry but I'm gonna get theoretical here. However, when you consider that so much of what we're talking about here directly relates to a psychological sphere, you can't not add some psychiatric theory into this. When you look at it from the point of view of Jacques Lacan (French psychiatrist who spit some bars), reality is constituted not of what's actually Real, but of social conventions and symbolism. The Real itself is unrepresentable and even traumatic at times, and you can only perceive it when you look at the inconsistencies of reality, that aims to suppress it! What the fuck!!!!

It's super easy, you just have to show that the whole framework is inconsistent!

Except it never works that way.

Going back AGAIN to capitalist realism, take a look at the 2008 Global Financial Crisis. I don't understand much about the mechanisms of the economy (and I am right not to, as this is all made up by weird people), but even I know that the Lehman Brothers collapse resulted in a worldwide clusterfuck that saw many lose their lifetime of savings. After that point, the ripple effect was so severe that companies were falling like flies and it was up to State interventions to halt things. Maybe the greatest example of late stage capitalism, this was the key point to explicit the greatest contradiction of neoliberalism: they sell themselves as a system above the State, however they needed the State to save it, which means they don't really want to abolish State, just to occupy it to their own desires.

The absurd numbers of the financial crisis in the US.

So, you have your reality cracked, you can look at the Real and see the inconsistencies of capitalism laid bare in front of all of us. This should have been enough for neoliberalism/capitalism to go out of style completely right? As you can see if you look out the window, however, we're still living in a capitalist society. Then what happened? The crises ended up reinforcing the status of capitalism precisely through the bank bail-outs as the States doubled down on the whole "realistic" thing because they had no alternative and saw these companies as "too big to fail". What we see today, then, is an economical model that clearly fallible, yet remains because it's perceived as a default. Mark's words, not mine.

But this is in the field of Capital. It's not like, in the F1 bubble, anything of the genre has ever happened.

Yup.

I guess you could say there have been moments in Formula 1 that came close to exposing these inconsistencies but didn't, like crashgate, spygate or the whole 1989 championship debacle. Still, these didn't expose anything because:

1) F1 didn't sell itself at the time of those events the same way it does now

2) All of these could be easily pinned to individuals instead of the whole structure of F1 itself - even Senna put 1989 on the back of Balestre only, instead of the entire FIA.

Abu Dhabi, however, wasn't looked at the same way given that it's still such a controversial topic and was the point of rupture to many fans with the category.This is because the series of events that led to Abu Dhabi, touted as the biggest showdown since 1974 and followed it afterwards managed to create the circumstances to break the veil between the reality (F1 as the greatest, most spontaneous motorsport modality in the world) and showed the Real (the newfound need to push narratives, consequence of the transition from sport to entertainment encouraged by Liberty Media ran-FOM, enabled by the FIA and accelerated by Drive to Survive).

The animosity between TeamLH and the Orange Army lingers to this day. However, regardless of its peak at the time, the controversy of the actions taken at the Grand Prix did not provoke just an outcry amongst Hamilton fans, but to a good chunk of neutral parties as well. We're still here though, so how did Formula 1 manage to escape from it? Simple, they also reinforced their position by the immediate actions of the FIA, as Jean Todt demanded a review of what happened. In its swiftness to respond, the World Motor Sport Council, that is, the one institution that could bail-out F1, states they would take action to understand what happened and avoid any problems in the next season.

The bail-out, in this sense, isn't monetary, but institutional as they place their focus on the "relevant parties" instead of the major structure itself. From their side, FOM avoided taking responsibility for their role, as Domenecali said right after that "We have already spoken with the president [Mohammed bin Sulayem, who had just assumed his role] . We talked about the priorities he will have to face, and there are many.". This landed as well, as the common reaction was to demand the FIA changes and penalties, blaming Michael Masi for "trying to balance the need for spectacle with the rulebook" instead of addressing the root causes of the need for spectacle itself.

Masi had it coming, but he sure made it easy from the FIA and FOM

In that sense, the reinforcement also comes in the sense of self-criticism, since it leads to something called "interpassivity", a concept developed by Robert Pfaller: when the actors in Formula 1 take it to themselves to discuss and criticise the sport themselves, they are performing our opposite stance for the fans, who then are able to continue to consume it as they please. This is possible as well because we take a "cynical distance" from the sport and thus become passive spectators. This way, as long as we say to ourselves "oh, F1 is rotten nowadays", that's all we need as a cop-out to keep watching it. This is not just us being hypocrites, per se, but legit one of capitalist ideology as Zizek puts it that we overvalue our internal beliefs in detriment of our external actions - literally the "there is no ethical consumption in capitalism" of it all. It's inevitable we replicate this behaviour when it comes to watching Formula 1.

So, once we get all of the way, the question remains: is there anything that can be done to truly change Formula 1? It's not just a matter of direct action, as what we're talking about here is a result of a concealed mulit-layered internal organisation that acts on an abstract level. As much as we can bitch and moan, fan protests and team appeals are direct action and thus, easily countered by the FOM/FIA complex. Hell, these two fight all the time and yet any crisis is easily fixed, as just the mere possibility of F1 separating from the FIA was enough to get bin Sulayem to step away from day to day administration. On one hand, FOM doesn't want to truly separate from the FIA, they just want to occupy the FIA themselves. On the other hand, the FIA needs F1 to stay so that they can continue to assert themselves as the big dawgs in motorsports. This is how they manage to walk hand in hand and compromise over their own interests instead of the interests of the sport itself.

Maybe, this triumph of FOM is directly related to the biggest weapon of capital realism: the individualisation of the being, placing their responsibility and expectations solely on the self instead of the greater structure. This can be seen in situations such as the climate change approach, focused way more on our need to recycle than the large corporations' impact on the environment. Another example is the approach of mental health, that most of the times places on your brain alone the responsibility for your disorders instead of considering as well the influence of social conditions.

In the context of F1, the individualisation is exacerbated by the nature of the competition. Everyone is fighting for their own interests, and in a way, that has always been the goal. Still, the excessive encouragement of rivalries and toxicity - not only in the fandom, but in the paddock itself - serves the role of segmentation very well and helps FOM to continue pushing through F1 as they please. It all boils down to the lack of class consciousness between ALL the personnel, who could adopt strategic approaches that directly affect FOM's directives, turning what was abstract into a concrete issue and thus making it possible to take direct action. (tbh many of these issues can be addressed if capitalism itself is fought but then again, the impact of that on the vroom vrooms can be quite extreme and maybe that's asking too much of a sport dominated by car manufacturers and such).

In the role of fans, we both reflect the inner machinations of Formula 1 and feed it. Thus, the same way that all the staff should unite, so should we. While when it comes to track action many of us are rivals, and some of the drivers legit make it hard to stand with them, fact is the real enemy at the current date is FOM - even if Liberty Media sells it, the next administration will most likely double down on their approach. Our best hope isn't to boycott F1, but to encourage the union of its staff and show that while we welcome the technical evolutions, the main goal must be preserved. Food for thought, really. In the meantime, thank you for surviving till the end! As always, screw you guys, I'm going home!

In the role of fans, we both reflect the inner machinations of Formula 1 and feed it. Thus, the same way that all the staff should unite, so should we. While when it comes to track action many of us are rivals, and some of the drivers legit make it hard to stand with them, fact is the real enemy at the current date is FOM - even if Liberty Media sells it, the next administration will most likely double down on their approach. They were the ones that created the conditions for Abu Dhabi to happen, they are the ones that benefit the most from the rifts. Our best hope isn't to boycott F1, but to encourage the union of its staff and show that while we welcome the technical evolutions, the main goal must be preserved. Food for thought, really. In the meantime, thank you for surviving till the end! As always, screw you guys, I'm going home!

#hyperfixation corner #late stage capitalism #capitalist realism #cheers you guys good luck to those who read it #most normal ana formulinos write-up moment

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invisiblegarters · 1 year ago

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Only Friends Character Ramblings and Relationship Rankings - Ep 9

Last week, Ray was out there doing the most (to piss both me and Sand off), Mew thought the best way to get over Top was to live out Tove Lo's "Habits (Stay High)" and it wasn't working out for anyone, Nick was trying to get back into Boston's good graces and Boston was having absolutely NONE of it despite the fact that he very definitely misses him, and Cheum got lines for once and boy howdy, did people have a lot to say about it.

I had a really hard time with this one, because for the first time - whether because I am just so happy the stupid RayMew thing is finally over or because they gave me a break from my angst and anxiety, or because I just chilled out finally - I am liking everyone in this bar. So instead of ranking them from most to least favorite, I'm just gonna ramble on about them as I think of things to say.

Character Ramblings:

Boston. Look, Boston did nothing wrong at all this ep, he was just out living his life. It's not his fault his dick is apparently magic. He made zero fucking promises to anyone at all, and I'm getting kind of sick of everyone out here slut shaming him. Fuck that, and fuck them. There is nothing wrong with living your best promiscuous life, okay, so long as you're up front about it and use protection. And while we can't know if Boston does the latter since it's never brought up, he is the only character who has so much as mentioned it so I'm going to assume so unless told otherwise.

Also I was really impressed with Neo's acting this ep. I'm impressed all the time, but I really liked the subtle changes that came over his face the more Nick talked in that this is my final goodbye scene. Like the way he fights so much of it and tries to act so aloof and done with the whole thing but then every time his eyes find Nick's face...it was so good. And okay, I know it wasn't supposed to be funny but him just being like "peace" to his hookup was hilarious to me. I really don't want some tragic backstory for Boston and I don't want him to do a 180 on his entire life, but I think it's been clear for a while that he needed to hear a lot of what Nick said.

I just love this dude, okay? No apologies, no justifications. Just 💖

Rock on, Boston.

Sand. Yeah, I know what people think of him. Whatever. I am just gonna respectfully disagree with the lot of you. I don't necessarily agree with his choices, but I can't say that he's not making them with his eyes wide open. And honestly I don't read him as being unable to walk away from Ray. I read him as simply not wanting to. That's his decision. It's an active choice he's making. I wish people would fucking let him have it.

I also find it kind of hilarious that he's so okay with helping Ray cheat on Mew, even if he makes a whole point about how fucked up it is. Sand, you hypocritical little shit. Finally you get to be messy again - I've been waiting for it to pop up since episode six. And yeah, that's about as far as it goes. Let me be utterly frank here: this man could go out and start kicking puppies and I would love him regardless. I can see where he goes wrong, but if you expect me to vilify him for it you might want to settle down with some food and drink, because you're gonna be hanging out a while.

Still think he really needs someone comforting him for once. Do not think that will happen. Am sad about it.

Mew. I'm so glad to see rational Mew return. I hope that he's a little less quick to judge now, but I missed the direct guy we saw in that last conversation with Ray. I liked that guy, and I was happy to get him back. I think that we'll see some changes in him, and that's okay - it's good even. Being young is all about figuring out who you are and what you're into, shaping yourself towards the kind of person you want to be. I can't tell you how many different personas I stuck on at Mew's age. But one of his core traits did always seem to be a frankness that has been missing - or worse, not missing but deliberately aimed to try and hurt. I appreciated the reflection he clearly had this episode. I always knew he'd boomerang back though. Whatever people say, I knew he was too steady at heart not to.

I'm eager to see what this hybrid Mew will be like. I don't want to say that it was good for him to have what happened happen, because no one deserves it, but I do think that we're going to see a looser, less rigid version of Mew, and that part is good, actually.

Top. I've liked him for a while, and the trend continues. He got a little pushy this ep, but nowhere near as pushy as certain others I could name, and if I am not planning on acting like they are beyond the pale for it (and for the record I'm not) then I won't do it to him ether. I'm also not buying that he's been fucking his ex, either. Not until the show tells me. I made that mistake last week with thinking Ray and Mew were gonna bone down this episode and then I was wrong, and anyway I want to believe in Top. So I am going to continue to do that.

Atom, Daddy (I keep wanting to say Dapper here and that's not it, guys) Dan, and Boeing. Welp. Was wrong about Daddy Dan but not about Atom - I knew that boy was gonna get clingy. I have a feeling he's going to be a real problem. I am both nervous and excited to see what he does next, and how it will ripple outward. As for Dan, we'll see. I just foresee bad things coming of sleeping with the boss, even if he is as cute as Papang. And Boeing...I am so ready for him to come in and mess things up. I want Jojo to make good on his promise and for that man to be kissing errbody. I especially want a flashback to a threesome with him, Sand, and Top if he is indeed the ex (and I have no reason to believe otherwise, it makes the most sense to have Boeing pulling double duty rather than have him be only there to mess with Mew and Top). l almost wonder if he isn't really there to mess with the Mew and Top dynamic quite as much as we think since they're putting such an emphasis on him doing so and I have well-earned Trailer Trust Issues.

Nick. Oh, Nick. Nicholas. Nikeroni. The love junkie. I swear I was so mad at him when he kept encouraging Sand in his pursuit of all things Ray at the beginning of the ep, but I guess one stalker recognizes another, because literally nothing he said about Ray was wrong. And I have to admit that his little speech to Boston was actually really sweet, even if he had to be himself and literally follow Boston and a hookup to the toilet to give it. I was also amused that he was the one who introduced "Daddy" into his dynamic with Bossman Dan, and yet Sand had to explain to him what masochism was. I am proud of him for trying to move on but question the wisdom of doing so with his literal boss. He did say he'd be willing to lick his ass, I guess.

Cheum. She's back to being Miss Barely Appearing in the Show, but I enjoyed her relief to get Mew acting like himself again. I actually believe that she really cares about Mew and has his best interests at heart, and that she was worried about him. Did she handle it the best way? Not at all, but I understand the impulse. I don't think that Mew had to apologize to her but I like that she at least seems resolved now to let him make his own damn choices.

Yo. The woman's love life might be a mess, but she speaks sense and apparently she was also happy to fill Mew's ear with exactly just how far gone his totally real and not a farce boyfriend he swears was for someone else. Not that Mew wasn't picking up on it anyway, but it gives me a kick to think about the two of them talking about it. Why? Because I imagine she basically told him that the fact he didn't give two shits proved her point about his own damn feelings.

Ray. I know I said I wasn't doing this in order but I did leave him for last deliberately, because I think I'm gonna have the most to say about him. It feels like he's been in the back of my head nonstop for the last two weeks, in fact, so prepare yourself for a long fucking essay of me trying to work out my own feelings about him. Also I'm gonna stick in a keep reading cut here because I am going to touch on self harm and possibly suicide. Also not all my thoughts about Ray are pretty or entirely sympathetic and are very probably also incoherent. I'm not apologizing for that but if it's not something you want to read it might be a good idea to stop now.

It should be no surprise that I have had a hard time with this dude. I have talked about it. I find him largely unlikeable, and I will maintain until I'm blue in the face that I am supposed to find him unlikable, and I think that it's only because of Khaotung that I never really crossed over into loathing. Before you start, no I don't mean because Khaotung is pretty (although he is) or because I have a bias (although I do), but because he's an excellent actor, and ninety percent of the time you can see beneath whatever selfish shit Ray's pulling to the desperation that drives most of his actions - the clawing need to be loved, to be wanted, and the constant compulsion to keep moving, to live in the here and now, right now, and not think either beyond or before the very second he's in at the very time he's in it, because to think of the past hurts too much and the future is unfathomable.

The other ten percent is pure twenty two year old rich asshole though. Which is - well, not fine exactly, but understandable. All these guys are twenty some year old assholes. That's normal.

The hard part is reconciling these two things, I think. Both because of my personal experiences with people like Ray (both the asshole and the addict, joy), and because there is a temptation to either ignore the addiction to vilify him or use it as an excuse for literally every shitty stunt he pulls. Does his addiction exacerbate the other issues he has in his life? Yes. Does it explain a lot of his more volatile behavior? Also yes. Does it give him free license to do and say whatever he wants with zero repercussions, or give a good reason to shift the blame onto the people he regularly mistreats because he can't help himself and they should help him more? That'll be a hearty fucking no from me.

Addiction is very, very hard to deal with, both for the people experiencing it and for the people around them who can see a person they care for destroying themselves and generally can't do much about it, because ultimately the addict is the one who has to decide to make a change. And one thing I respect about this show is that it isn't shying away from the difficulties and realities of Ray's situation, both for him and for his friends. I know that people are very frustrated with his friends for not helping him and for basically being checked out, but to me it just hurts because I've seen that. I've seen that from people decades older than these guys. I'm not trying to excuse them, either - honestly, I fully agree with @thewayuarent in their post where they say that if they can't deal, stepping away fully is in fact the best answer (and that there is no shame in having to do so) - but I do understand it. It's not pretty to watch when we all know that Ray is suffering and pretty much aiming not to reach his next birthday, but I have definitely seen this sort of thing go down in reality, and everyone's threshold is different. I think it's very possible we're going to see even Sand, with his apparently unlimited well of patience for Ray, struggle and possibly break in the coming episodes.

If Ray does intend to take this rehab thing seriously - personally, I do not think he will (at least at first), mostly because he is not (yet) doing it for himself, he's doing it for Sand and possibly for Mew even though he very obviously still does not think he needs it or has a problem (or, to be a little more accurate, he might suspect he has a problem but he's refusing to acknowledge it. Also, just as an aside, I am very curious about his bargaining chip to Sand regarding rehab - Ray's asked repeatedly about Sand's dad and I am very curious as to why he's so invested in this. My guess is it has to do with his own issues around his parents but I do hope the show gives us some insight because there's something about it that isn't sitting right with me)) - I do hope that we see his friends take steps to help him. Because while it is ultimately on him to get better, there are things that they can do to help. They won't know these things instinctively, but I'd like to see them take this as seriously as they want him to (my personal belief is that Mew and Sand will, but I can't be entirely sure. Mew cares about Ray, okay, you'll never convince me otherwise, he's just...up until recently he reminded me of one of those people in my life who does not struggle with depression asking me why I can't just stop being sad. Yeah. That's Mew. It just doesn't compute in his head because it's not a problem he personally faces and he doesn't necessarily mean to be dismissive but he is dismissive because again, it's not a struggle he is familiar with. In his brain, it's as simple as putting the bottle/drugs down. I'm really hoping his spiral makes him more understanding of Ray's issues but there is also a real danger that he will be worse about them because he stopped so easily. I am leaning more towards him being kind and making more of an effort to understand rather than condemn. Not to mention Sand makes and sells illegal hooch and that's uh, gonna be a problem. You can feel it, right? Because I can feel it).

I got a little sidetracked, but all this was to say that I've been really hard on Ray, harder than a lot of people. So much so that I've been accused of being a Ray hater, lol. And I do find it kind of hilarious that these last two episodes have been what have induced me to be kinder to him, when a lot of others are increasingly losing their patience with his whole deal. For the record, I don't see a problem with disliking or even hating Ray (or any character) any more than I see a problem with adoring him - people have their own reasons for it and I can hardly throw stones when at least a quarter of my ire at him was because he is such an epic SHIT to Sand, who is MY ride or die just leave him be unless you're offering him the hug he so desperately needs baby blorbo. He's going to continue to be an ass to him I'm sure, I just now have reasonable hope Sand's gonna give it back in spades (more on this later) so I've calmed down on that a bit, lol.

I feel like a weird person, because the worse Ray gets the more I see the self-destruction in it. It's his casual dismissal of other people's feelings and lack of care that gets to me and makes me want to throttle him, not his big rants (except the whore comments which I still haven't forgiven although Sand apparently has because he's a better person than me). His big rants, however, have the air of someone who is trying to get himself hurt. He wants Mew to tell him that Top is a thousand percent better than he is and that Ray can never measure up, wants Sand so mad that he knocks him to the floor, wants them to lash out and return cruelty for cruelty, because it will prove what Ray has always suspected (known) deep down: he is unlovable. Eventually, he will become too much and people will become tired of his shit and bail. And if they won't? If they stay over and over and over again? He'll find a way to make them. I still maintain that part of his whole deal with Mew was that Mew gave him what he wanted, the kind of love he thought he deserved: you can come this close and no farther, because you are Too Much and you are Not Good Enough. The fact that Mew didn't intend to do that hardly mattered - it was a way for Ray to reinforce his own beliefs about himself and as much as it hurt there's a sort of satisfaction in it, too.

Like, I am not smart enough to explain this right but it's self-harm. It's not done in the way people associate with self-harm but that's what it is. Ray self-sabotages because there's a sort of vicious, sick satisfaction in confirming that this thing that he's always believed about himself is true - he is an unlovable burden who will eventually drive any and everyone who has the bad luck of caring about him away. And it also lets him continue along his path of addiction because 1 - it's fine if he destroys himself because he's such a pain that no one cares anyway and they might even be better off if he does and 2 - alcohol makes it not matter as much.

Ray wants to be loved. Ray will also make sure that it is near impossible to do so because in a strange way it makes him feel better and because if he admits that if he can be then he has to change his whole way of thinking about himself - and about why his mom treated him the way she did.

So yeah. Episode 8 did the thing. It finally made me recognize patterns I've seen before and I was just like yeowch.

And it's hard for me to articulate about episode 9, because there was still that element in some of Ray's interactions, but I think it also showed us the opposite side, too - a Ray who is actually capable of communicating beyond simply reacting in the moment. We've seen this before with both Mew and Sand, but never quite to the extent we saw in this ep. I am not one who believes that we've ever seen an entirely sober Ray, but I do think the show has done a good job of giving us shades of what that man might look like.

Unfortunately, I think it's gonna take us until episode 12 to get there, if we do. Because while I do think that we might see a sober Ray before then, I also think he's gonna be a lot nastier than even the Ray we were given in episode 8 (disclaimer that I am not saying that I believe that sober Ray is nasty, I am saying that the Ray who will be dealing with stuff he has been burying beneath booze and drugs for a long time on top of withdrawal is very likely to lash out - if he even gets that far. It's entirely possible the whole thing falls apart before it even starts). I could be wrong. I'd like to be wrong, because I am also very worried that the person who is gonna bear the brunt of it is Sand and as we've established I adore Sand beyond all reason (and I'm not saying Sand might not earn a measure of it - I'd like it if he did actually earn it, as opposed to Ray just attacking him disproportionately to whatever crime he thinks he's committed, you know?).

I don't think he's hit that proverbial rock bottom. I've said before that Ray also frustrates me because he somehow manages to skirt any real consequences for his actions. Even his car accident was pretty papered over, and his near arrest was taken care of by Top and literally all Ray could do was sneer that his dad would have taken care of it. It gets to me, but here's the thing: I can also feel something coming for him. I could be wrong, but right now I can hear that train whistle in the distance, can feel the vibrations as it draws closer, and I worry that it's going to be really bad. I don't think it'll be death - I actually believe Jojo that no one is dying although I could have egg on my face by the end - but not dying doesn't mean that someone (my biggest fear is Sand but it could be anyone up to and including Ray himself) isn't going to get seriously hurt.

I hope I'm wrong. We've only got three episodes left and I really want an upward trajectory from Ray especially out of this show - I know Jojo is capable of realistic bleakness (3 Will Be Free), but I really hope we're not going there with this show. I don't think we are. But there's still that niggling fear that we might be. Second season or not (ugh, sorry but ugh), I really really want ep 12 to end on a decent note for him. I'm not asking for him to be a new man, I'm only asking for a little hope that he's on his way to healing.

If you've actually gotten this far without bailing, we're returning to our regularly scheduled programming now. Promise.

Relationships (Most to Least Fave atm)

Nick & Sand. I just love these two. They are my favorite relationship in the show and I want more scenes with them. Everything from them bonding over their love for men who don't love them back to their attempted hookup and then giggle was just pitch perfect this ep. I would honestly watch an entire episode of the Sand and Nick show, if not more. I love how they support each other but I am so curious what Nick has been telling Sand about Boston because wow, does Sand hate his guts. I mean it could just boil down to the fight in the apartment but he also likes to bring up how shitty Boston treats Nick so who the hell knows. But yeah, they click and I love it.

Mew & Ray. What? They were good this ep, and I really hope that we see more of a genuine, loving friendship spring between them now that Ray's not constantly trying for more and Mew doesn't have to watch everything he says or does with him lest Ray decide it means Mew is interested in a romantic relationship. I also liked the fight between them (even if I wasn't a fan of some of the Nice Guyish things coming out of Ray's mouth) because it marks the first time we've seen Ray do that with him. Look. I am not saying that I like watching Ray go off on Mew for the supreme sin of not wanting his dick. What I am saying is that the fact that he could go off on him at all is a marked change from how he has been treating him since episode 1. Mew is not the idol Ray wants him to be, and I really hope we see him treating him less like some savior who's going to reach down and pluck Ray out of the depths of his despair and more like a real friend. And I'm hoping that Ray doing that will let Mew be able to care for him the way he clearly does without worrying that his love will be taken the wrong way. Basically I'm just really here for their friendship era without all the extra. Also would like to say that Book and Khaotung's acting in that last scene with them really struck me - both of them are more relaxed, the stars are completely out of Ray's eyes and you can visibly see the moment when it clicks for Mew that the "I love you" Ray is giving him now is finally the kind he can reciprocate freely and fully. I just love it.

TopMew. My endgame prediction, and I ship it a lot. I think we all knew that we'd get to where this episode left us eventually - Mew was hurt and humiliated but at some point I just realized he was gonna try again. Whether it works out, I dunno (although I said they are my endgame prediction), but in the same way that Ray owed it to himself to try with Mew and Sand owes it to himself to try with Ray, Mew owes it to himself to see if he can move past what happened with Boston. I think it'll be interesting to watch - we'll see what Boeing throws into the mix but even without him it would be interesting, because Mew's gonna be twice as guarded and extremely gun shy. I can't pretend I'm not looking forward to where this is going, whether it winds up being back together, something open-ended, or a book firmly closed.

BostonNIck. My favorite disaster couple. I have shipped this from the very start because I'm like that you can't stop me, and I continue to ship it even though more and more I think it will go nowhere. That's okay I don't need it to, and in fact I think that their fundamental differences on love and sex would doom them even if they did try. I just want to see how they're going to navigate whatever is going on with them now. Are we gonna see Boston being flat footed and trying to get Nick's attention (like it's hard, lol)? Will they just sort of wind up talking and both pretend that everything else never happened? Will they form an actual friendship? I think I'd like to see that.

SandRay. Welp I said that their dynamic was close to what I like but not enough, and this episode tipped the scales. I'm never gonna be a die hard shipper and frankly I believe these two are doomed to break (although I am back on my hope that they will manage to salvage a friendship out of it train, so that's nice), but that music room scene not only hit a very specific button for me, it smashed the damn thing down hard. Also the cheek kiss. That whole scene actually was shot a very very specific way to convey a very very specific mood and I'm kind of in love with it and how very different it is when you compare it to the scene in ep 2. I am very curious to see how Ray acts with Sand now. Very curious. Also, I just used very so many times that it no longer feels like a word.

I also think that this might be Sand's relationship to break. I kinda hope so. It would at least get us out of the cycle of Ray screwing things up constantly and then running back to Sand to patch things up. Also, admittedly a tiny part of me just wants to see Ray in shambles over Sand for once. The heart wants what it wants, and all that.

I am also very curious to see if Boeing is going to wind up screwing with their dynamic in some way. I know he's busy causing friction with Mew and Top according to next episode's preview, but I don't trust those things and there's also no reason the man can't pull double duty. Maybe even triple duty. I believe in him.

NickDaddyDan. Never getting over Nick being the one to introduce that dynamic. And while I approve of his trying to move on from Boston, I do not necessarily think doing so with the boss is the best overall move. See, here's my thing. I will put up with a lot, but the second you screw with my money you've lost me. Not only no but hell no, and fucking the boss is a one way ticket to making that happen. Because chances are good that as soon as that relationship goes sour, so then does the job. Just a whole world of nope for me. And this feels like it will inevitably happen. How does this reconcile with my love of shows like Jun & Jun, The Director Who Buys Me Dinner, The New Employee, etc? Simple. In all of those the genre I was watching basically guaranteed that wouldn't be part of the equation. Although in The New Employee it sort of was, since Seung Hyun was absolutely not hired to get at Jong Chan. It's one of the things that I praised Step By Step for actually - the fact that it was Pat who suffered for what both he and Jeng were doing. Because in real life, the boss rarely gets it in the teeth when this kind of thing is found out. Not to mention what can happen if you break up with a boss prone to retaliation. And Only Friends definitely leans more towards reality than most. So I expect to wince a few times here.

I don't know if I think that Dan is prone to petty retaliation. He seems sweet, if awkward. But the worry is there. We'll see how it goes.

#only friends #only friends the series #rankings #well sort of #mostly me rambling #a lot

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redemptioninterlude · 2 years ago

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bread. lettuce. tomato. pickle. of course there's meat ( lean turkey breast, she expected no less out of mckay ), but that's all like, the extra whatever effect of this. which is... PRETTY OKAY, surprisingly. talking with jeremy's always this like, relaxing thing... there's no need to be performative, or on guard. which, honestly, rue pretty much is most of the time with guys ; you never really knew the angle or the things that they wanted, but there was always a transparent, underlying threat to it all that she could feel, like friction beneath the skin, that simply wasn't there whenever she talked with him. he wasn't aggressive, or mean, or rude, or trying to finesse his way into her pants. he was just. fucking chill.

why couldn't more people just be like that? the sandwich is held out, and she gets this whole, like, wave of nostalgia. fez would do this for her sometimes... and she misses him. misses like, everything about that time in her life, glazed over in halcyon nostalgia that she CLUNG TO still. it's not like the year ends, and everything goes back to normal. no. there's a lot of weight with the trial and the fact that like, ashtray's dead, gone down in this whole fucking tribute to scarface that he must have thought was pretty cool. until it wasn't. until the world ends and he's gone and everything else is just an exercise of coping with that shit.

she'll take a bite, appreciative, because at least it soaks up some of the mess of alcohol churning in her stomach. rue's like, NOT REALLY SOBER. but she figures whatever. she's doing something at least. her best. well not really. she's trying and that's what needs to count. "i feel like, you really kinda... see people for what they are in that. you know? like, give them a prize and attention and people will show you... like... like who they really are on the inside. because they're selfish. and maybe people'd be happier being honest about that, but most of the time people don't wanna admit that. shit like love island is like. candy. it's like sugar. like fucking nothing and everything. because that shit is the truth, if you think about it."

which, rue clearly has. or at least has in the middle of some fucking freefall of a depressive episode. "oh fuck. i like. have this whole thing where like... i don't drink and bike because..." well. bushes. roads. she'll pass out anywhere, the mess that she was. unable and impossible to please. "WHATEVER DUDE, we'll figure it out, let's blow the fuck outta here and like. sorry about your food or whatever." they're almost out the door, and, she thinks that'll work well enough, tongue left to click at the roof of her mouth. "sick ride."

- @jeremydied

and jeremy might tell rue who he was waiting for depending on the girl's feelings towards vicki if she had any thoughts on her at all . vicki wasn't popular by any means, often butting heads with the girls in rue's group. but vicki , to jeremy , was the love of his life . the girl who made him feel alive once his parents died , and his sister began ignoring him even further . vicki listened when nobody else did , and loved him even if it was in secret . since her disappearance , he's grown desperate for connection again . from someone , anyone .

jeremy didn't really care about the details of mckay's home , or his life , rather - but he continues making his sandwich with ease as jeremy listened to rue speak. a nod to his head to signal that he was listening . it made sense, being surrounded by people she knew made her feel stablized , made her feel grounded . jeremy could say the same about his sister and her friends , cheerleaders who go to every football game and plan every event the school has going on. even when they're bothering him, they still bring comfort when they're around . maybe he should apologize for screaming at them earlier in the night for hovering .

he takes a bite and offers some to rue . " oh , i'm definitely a love island person . i also find comfort in shows like the ultimatum and the circle . " he says without missing a beat . "also , the classics of reality survivor shows like wipeout and naked and afraid . " a cheesy smile playing on his lips as they walk out of the house together . he had his bike , holding onto the sandwich with one hand and the handlebar with the other as he stands there .

" please tell me you got your bike , because if not you're going to have to hold onto my shit as you ride my handlebars." he deadpanned , expression still lively as he was thanking the universe for having at least someone escape this party with him .

" not that i'm against you on the handlebars , i'm just hoping for my foods' safety . "

@redemptioninterlude

#jeremydied #❝ r. bennett ❞ ┆ interactions ┆ i didn't build this system !#❝ r. bennett ❞ ┆ canon verse ┆ drugs are kind of cool !#❝ threads ❞ ┆ the revolution will be televised !

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killemwithkawaii · 2 years ago

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Okay, so, I sometimes ageregress and I think Sal would too tbh. If you don't know what ageregressing is, it's basically age play without the sexual undertones (dressing up, being in the mindset of a child, having childish interest but more like an episode, you are still a functioning adult). Since Sal didn't get to be a child for that long because of the accident and bullying he could be a child with me as an adult fbjsicjsjsj

It would be so adorable to see him play with action figures or having tea parties with his s/o and plushies TvT

And Larry would be probably really chill about that too. Just imagine lil Sal talking really excitedly about his favorite color and Larry being like: "Woah, dude, that's so sick. Blue n pink really are special my guy"

It would be so adorable drzhdgjg >v<

I've actually answered an ask about Sal being an age regressor! Here's some more headcannons about it:

Sal as an age regressor-

[CW: SFW age regression/ little space, mentions of past trauma and abuse]

>This is likely something Sals therapist recommended when medication wasn't quite cutting it for him. Now that Sal's an adult and has the power and competence to make his own decisions, age regression could be a way for him to reclaim that part of his life where he was put into bad situations and didn't have any sort of control over how things turned out. He can use it as a tool to try and experience some of the childhood joy that was robbed of him when he was actually a kid in a safe and comfortable setting, free of grief, trauma, bullying, hospital stays, and adults with substance abuse problems.

>I'd expect him to regress to around the age he was when he got his injury to a few years older (a general range, probably not a specific age).

>It would probably be really hard for him to get into the mindset. Letting down his guard and forgetting about his self-consciousness and personal baggage takes a lot of practice, plus acting like a kid can dig up some bad memories by association. Most of the time, he half-regresses- not too big to relax and enjoy himself, but not too small to defend himself and snap back to being 'big' if need-be.

>He'd be EXTREMELY hesitant to let anybody know about his age regression or see him regressing, let alone be his caretaker, because it's such a vulnerable mindset to be in (he got enough shit when he was actually a kid, he doesn't need anybody judging him for acting childlike on top of all the other stuff people judge him for as an adult). Gizmo is the one exception, since he's been a major source of comfort for Sal since he was an actual child.

>A fellow age regressor would have better luck catching a glimpse of Sals 'little' side. He'd love to have someone to hang out with that likes video games and cartoons as much as he does!

>His friends DO find out (because he's a horrible liar). Larry finds the concept a little weird at first (because he was always encouraged to 'grow up'/ 'be a man'/ etc.), but totally gets it when he and Sal go to catch frogs at the lake or do some finger painting together and he sees Sal let loose like never before. Ash takes it in stride (it feels just like when she and her little brother were kids) and loves Sals genuine enthusiasm for doing craft projects with her and playing out dramatic storylines with her 'little dudes'. Todd goes down a rabbit hole researching the phycological mechanisms behind age regression and its applications in therapy, and is happy that Sal is using healthy coping mechanisms in tandem with his medication to help improve his mental health (he also gives Sal all the computer games that his parents gave him as a kid).

Also:

Me 🤝 Sal "Pink and blue are the best colors (we'll be in our blanket fort if you wanna fight us about it)"

#k.e.w.k. answers #k.e.w.k. writes #sally face headcanons #sal fisher #sfw littlespace #age regression #little space #tw age regression #tw little space #tw abuse #tw trauma #tw drug use #Sal in his deep gravely voice: 'oh hell yes finger paints!'

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sebastianshaw · 3 years ago

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Although it's biologically impossible, and generally horrifying, I am very curious about how you would imagine a fan-kid between Sebastian and Pyro. We'll just say that Sinister mixed their DNA together on a whim and cloned a kid.

1) AT LAST sorry this took so long. And I still have two left!! 2) honestly at this point in Marvel, two cis dudes making a bio-baby is really the last thing I would question the possibility of Name: Rochester “Ches” Caspian Allerdyce. Pyro named him, obviously, though he claims that his choice of a grumpy asshole Bronte love interest is as much an homage to Shaw as to his own career as a romance novelist. Gender: Cis male General appearance: Tall and lanky like Pyro but you can see from his shoulders that Shaw is still one of his dads. All Shaw’s kids from this meme had DA SHOULDERS. His hair is curly and brown, his eyes are a lighter brown than Shaw’s, and he unfortunately inherited a lot of Pyro’s style sense, augmented with cowboy/western touches like fringes, buckskin, and plaid. It’s amazing, he manages to embarrass BOTH parents. Personality: Laidback. Great guy to have a beer with. Chill as a cucumber til he’s not and bothered by nothing until it’s time for payback. Capable of both carefully and strategizing and thinking on his feet, both practical and “so crazy this just might work” style. He has two speeds----absolutely laidback, and high-energy lightspeed. But no matter what mode he’s in, there’s an intensity to him. It’s dormant most of the time, giving him a laidback cool-guy vibe, but when he’s in a situation where it’s need be, whether it’s in a room of high-powered politiciking and manipulation or an actual physical life-and-death emergency, this steely-eyed certainty in whatever he is doing comes to the surface, and he takes command, and people follow because it is human nature to go with the guy who is sure of himself in a crisis. Ches’s moral compass is a complex and inconsistent thing, and best described as group-oriented but selective about who is in that group. Raised in the community-centric, collectivist Krakoa, he tends to count all mutants as people he should protect and ally with even when he doesn’t know them, until they give him a VERY good reason (meaning, not something petty) to exclude them from his grace. If no other mutants are around, he tends to go next to those who he sees as deserving or in need, but also who can benefit him. He’s got a soft spot, but an equal mercenary streak, and he can be quite remorseless and compartmentalized when it comes to those he has chosen not to care about. In many ways, he takes “enlightened self-interest” more true to its original meaning than Shaw---the original meaning being that acting in the interest of one’s group also benefits oneself. And when the two DON’T coincide, it’s often unpredictable and situational which one he’ll choose over the other. So, during my last DnD Discord session, one of our guys was bargaining with this very scary salamander (not as in a cute newt but as in THIS) that he was in debt to. He talked his way out of it by offering to get this ring that would protect the salamander from cold damage, its big weakness. He goes and gets the ring, and he has a curse put on it. . . that makes the owner vulnerable to fire damage. The salamander is a being of fire and lives in a fire realm. He is not going to have a good time when he gets that ring. And this is the sort of thing I feel like Ches does whenever he is double-crossed or needs someone gone. Special Talents: - His mutant power is to absorb and rechannel heat energy, from something as small as warming an object in his hands to shooting massive clouds of fire. Even the absorbing part can be dangerous, as Ches can easily kill someone by sapping all the heat from their body.. His codename is Mr. Fahrenheit, and yes he got it from the Queen song. - He has a strong interest in travel and in bettering himself, instilled from both sides of his paternity, and to that end he’s accumulated an array of handy-dandy exotic survival skills for all sorts of situations. - Because he travels so much, he always has some of those tiny hotel shampoo bottles and complimentary toothbrushes and nail clippers and stuff at the ready and I like to think this has come in life-saving

levels of handy during situations they were never intended for. - He thinks he looks really cool on an electric guitar, but what he actually plays is the guiro. Doesn’t look half as rad, but he plays it with enthusiasm and pride! Who they like better: Pyro. Even if Shaw WASN’T Shaw, what kid ISN’T going to favor the dad who burns shit with them? Who they take after more: Pyro, but there’s still more Shaw under the surface than you see at first glance Personal Head canon: - He wasn’t actually raised by either bio-donor, but in a group of kids on Krakoa by people designated for the task of childcare. Pyro, Dom, and Shaw were more like uncles, with Pyro and Dom being more involved and Shaw being more distant, as one might expect. For instance, Ches slept over at Pyro and Dom’s place a lot. . . not so much Sebastian’s. But Shaw did damn well keep an eye on him in case he’d turn out acceptable. He thus far has not, but does seem at least made of slightly sterner stuff than Shinobi. - Asexual - Has a pet potoroo named Pootsy, because at his point in the future the potoroos have not only fully recovered from their endangered status, they’ve become pets. Pootsy is trained to sit on Ches’s shoulder and wears her own little brown leather cowboy hat. Yes, I gave him one because he’s Australian and I am a horrible stereotyper who must be stopped. - Thinks big woolly mountain goats are the coolest animal - Loves power metal retellings of historical or mythological events/figures, such as “The Tale of Cú Chulainn “ by Miracle of Sound and “Beast of Gevaudan” by Powerwolf - Thrifts for vintage ashtrays, religious iconography, and absolute kitsch like enamel Garfield necklaces - Likes desert aesthetics and media that focuses around fictional diseases, supernatural or mundane (12 Monkeys, Outbreak, 28 Days Later, Sweet Tooth, zombie virus stuff, etc.) - Watches Peaky Blinders - Pet peeve is PROGRESSOPHOBIA Face Claim: N/A

#kids #kid meme #ches

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brideofcthulhu10 · 4 years ago

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The Lost Boys Find Out Their Fem!S/O is Pregnant [3/4]

Guh, this one has taken the longest so far. Dwayne is such a strong silent type, and unfortunately got the least lines in the film so I had to really push myself to get into the right mindset. I think it came out fantastic, I hope you guys love it too. Now it's time for:

DWAYNE

Rays of light were beginning to crack through the little nooks of the ceiling, a slow sunrise ushering the vampiric quartet into the depths of the hotel ruins for a long anticipated rest after another wild night. The last to go was your night bird, Dwayne. Calloused hands dragged on your cheek, stealing away any kisses he could. You savored the smokey scent his hair carried and nearly giggled at how his stubble tickled your neck.

"Dwaaayne, I'll still be here tonight," you insisted, gently nudging him off. "Go inside before you burst into flames."

He chuckled with a wide grin, taking one last kiss. "Alright, I'll be back. 6 o'clock on the dot, as soon as the sun goes down."

"It's a date."

You watched him scurry into the cove, pushing past collapsed beams and cobwebs. How they could sleep in that you would never know. Still, that meant you had an entire day to kill before they would be up again. A long, boring day.

You had stopped verbally complaining long ago, every time you did David would insist if you just let Dwayne bite you, this wouldn't be a problem. But you just weren't ready. At least, not yet. The night was so alluring, and every day you felt yourself wanting to be beside them more. However, you still had some final days to cling to. Maybe it was just the fear of making such a massive change. Cowardice.

Just waiting around the cave quickly grew boring, laying atop the bed that once housed Star and Laddie now eerily vacant. You tried to pass the early morning hours by flipping through magazines, listening to your portable cassette player- yeah, you knew it was going out of fashion, but CDs were so expensive, and you were not about to let the boys steal a $200+ player just to listen to Mötley Crüe on a slightly different player. You'd brought your own entertainment after so many visits, but you soon groaned when you realized it was only 10 am. There were still 7 and a half hours of waiting to go, and you were nowhere near tired enough for a nap!

Maybe a quick walk would kill your boredom, a quick snack on the boardwalk, pick up the guys something to munch on before they go out hunting. Yeah, that should be good.

With a soft grunt you scooted off the bed, wedging your feet into your boots with your backpack slung over your shoulder. "I'll be back soon," you whisper out loud, looking over at the dusty hole they'd disappeared into. Dwayne definitely couldn't hear you, but it still felt nice to give a little goodbye every time you went out. This time you'd use the cave entrance that led up those old wooden stairs. The walkway was a gorgeous deck barely over the water. On high tide it could wash over and hit your feet. Part of you was amazed it was still standing after so many decades of wear and tear.

However, the moment you looked outside it made your eyes squint, weighing heavy on your brow. Was it always this bright during the day?

It got significantly worse once you were fully outside shuffling around the debris littered across the rocks. It wasn't just your average tired eye sting. That was pretty common after spending all night out, and half the day in a dimly lit cave. But you'd never experienced it like this. It was a splitting, throbbing headache that almost made you lose your footing. You had to close your eyes just to feel any kind of relief. Noise was amplified- Oh god, those stupid seagulls made your ears ache!

Walking just made it hurt more. It was taxing on your body, like wading in molasses in August. Now, you weren't a stranger to the heat. After all you grew up on California sunshine. Almost thrived in it. Now you barely made it up the stairs atop the cliffside, until you just had to sit down. Wedged tightly against the banister you reveled in the tiny slivers of shadow that cascaded from the wooden railing. When your jacket became to much you peeled it off to use for cover, and eventually you forced yourself to continue walking. What was happening?? Those few steps were enough to make your stomach wretch and twist with starvation. Truthfully you hadn't been eating well lately, everything just made you nauseous. Stomach flu, maybe. Why was the ground spinning..?

And that was it. The next time your eyes opened the last bits of sun were long gone. Something- no, someone, was shaking you, trying to snap you out of that fog. They yelled out, nearly swinging you around like a ragdoll in a panic. It was muffled, you could hear another voice, then another.

"Y/N! Y/N!"

"Dude, you keep shaking her like that, she's gonna break something."

"What is she doing out here in the first place anyway, man?"

A huge breath of life reanimated your body, almost screaming as you sat up crashing into the chilled chest of Dwayne who still had you in his arms. "Hey, easy, easy. You're okay, it's just us."

Quickly your eyes darted around. Dwayne's arm was hooked under your back elevating you off the ground, Marko was knelt on your other side with Paul leaning on the smaller vampire's back. David was just behind Dwayne with arms crossed, looking down at you.

"You know, Y/N, if your bed was uncomfortable we woulda gotten you another," Paul teased.

"Dude," Marko questioned, lightly elbowing him in the ribs.

"Ow. Aw, c'mon I'm just kiddin'."

Dwayne still wouldn't set you down, pushing sweaty locks of H/C from your face. "What happened," you managed to ask in a raspy voice, carefully shifting your weight onto your butt.

"We found you out here, I was hoping you could tell us," David answered with a cigarette clenched between his teeth, a small flame roasting the end into ashy cinders.

"I honestly couldn't tell you. I only wanted to head over to the boardwalk for an hour or two. I thought I could pick you guys something up on the way back but..," you held the side of your head, the remains of your headache still lingering from earlier. "My stomach hurt all over and.. I just fell."

Something just wasn't adding up, enough that David paused, looking at you. Your heart beat was calm but… every other beat an entirely new rhythm would chime in. Rapid, quiet, stirring. "You sure you hadn't been with anyone else, Y/N?"

"What," You questioned, immediately offended by the implications of that question. Unsurprisingly, Dwayne was equally outraged as he helped you onto your feet.

"Y/N isn't like that, you know this David," he snapped. Dwayne always had that sulking gaze but it wasn't often he was legitimately upset. With his arms still around your waist you could feel his muscles tighten into cement. The atmosphere was so thick you could cuz it with a knife, and after a few minutes of intense glares… Dwayne's eyes widened.

He heard it too. Faster than your own heart beat, buried deep below it was almost too soft to hear. A pulse submerged in water.

He had been so busy worrying about your fainting, he never realized why. It made sense the more he thought about it. Grabbing you, he spun you around to face him. He hadn't intended to be so rough that even Marko was telling him to ease up. "You swear.. you swear you haven't..." The suggestion was cruel. He didn't want to even say it out loud, and your face twisted into one of disgust, slapping his hands off your shoulders.

"Alright that's enough," you snapped, stepping away from all of them. "What is with all of you?! Is this just how you guys check up on people who faint, accuse them of adultery? What the fuck?!"

You could feel tears forming in your eyes and you immediately had to look away. You were not about to show weakness while angry. Dwayne gently took your wrist before you could storm off, looking deep into your eyes. Why did he look so afraid, even in the inky night you could see something haunted those chocolate orbs. "Dwayne...What's going on…," you asked again, this time softening your tone. David, easily sensing the building tension, cleared his throat.

"Marko, Paul, let's wait inside."

"Aw what," Paul chimed in, arms up in the air. "No way man, I wanna know what's going on! What's with all the crazy??"

Marko looked at David, then back and for between you and Dwayne. Oh. He got it. While Paul still protested, Marko slung his arm over his shoulder and yanked him down to whisper in his ear. At first he looked utterly confused, but then his face went wide. The realization of the century. "Ohhhhhhh," he finally said, looking over at you. "Gotcha. Good luck babes, we'll give you guys a little alone time." Both blondes had these odd smirks on their face, no doubt clued in on the inside joke you were definitely a part of yet left completely clueless. David followed them down the steps with a smug grin, giving a small wave.

Alright, now you were confused. Dwayne didn't speak though. He just clasped your hand tightly in his. All he said was "c'mon" while lightly pulling you along. The moon was so huge tonight in lit up the ocean, a sea of stars dipped in black. There you both sat, legs just barely hanging off the edge in utter silence. Whatever it was must have been weighing heavy on his mind because he never turned to look at you. Instead he kept your hand firmly clutched in his own, staring straight off into the unknown. His sigh broke the silence, fingers tightening around your hand again. "There's more than one heart beat… coming from inside you."

It took a moment for what he said to sink in. Another..? What did that-...

Oh. That's why they were being so weird. It was hard to breath, like someone was sitting on top of your chest. And now what haunted Dwayne's thoughts now crept into your own. Their suspicions were reasonable. No one figured that.. well considering the boys were undead it wasn't exactly expected for you to..

"Dwayne I…," you started, looking at him. "I've never been with anyone else. You know that, right?"

This time he couldn't speak, just nod in agreement. Of course he knew you were loyal. Honestly he never doubted it, but the shock of what that meant was a bit much for him to handle. He'd taken care of Laddie alongside Star for years, even before he turned, he was great with kids. But the thought of fatherhood never really crossed his mind. Were he human it'd be common sense, he'd be at the proper age. Maybe even already have a family.

But he was 19. He just… happened to be 19 for a very long time. Quietly he pulled you by your waist so you were beside him, then nudged your head onto his shoulder. You weren't scared, just in awe. For a moment you brushed your hand over your abdomen. It was warm, already firm to the touch. In the months to come you knew it would grow, your baby would grow. But in that moment, as Dwayne's calloused hand placed over yours feeling that little life stir inside you, you felt at peace. That was that. You two sat there for what felt like hours, watching the waves, watching the moon rise high above. It really was a beautiful night. A perfect night. The first night of many more to come.

#lost boys imagine #lost boys 1987 #lost boys #lost boys dwayne #billy wirth #the lost boys #lost boys fanfiction #fanfiction writing #fanfiction #pregnancy #pregnant #vampire pregnancy #pregnancy imagine #lost boys vampires

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