#liek a pretty long rant

[prettycottagequeer]

.

[mothman9283]

Ok i try to keep private but. guys.... i think i have a fever kink... and if this ever gets traced to myself irl i might have to change my identity. heres a rant about my experiences and preferences just to get it out of my system so i can be productive again and stop thinking about it 😇

anyways! i think ive always been intrigued to fevers my whole life. I remember when i was younger, young enough to not know my age, I was playing doctor with my friend and I was taking my stuffies temperature. i remember just continuously adding on pens and sticks and anything i could find to make the thermometer longer because "the temp is too high! the thermometer is gonna burst!"

i also hated showing or telling ppl i was sick ever since i was young, like id always hide it if i was unwell, and i wouldnt tell my parents or friends and would desperately try to make it seem like i was fine

irl i have no interests in sick people or being sick. if one of my friends has a cold or is coughing i always try to keep my distance so i dont get sick either. lowkey sometimes if they r a bit too snotty or whiny i even get annoyed.. 😓😓 I only ever feel this way about characters through a screen, or through little daydreams and fantasies.

anyways, i lowkey dont know if its a sexual tjing or not (ofc not when i was younger), but its just always something that made my stomach then and my heart pound.

i found out abt this community (<3) when i was in my teens. one day i got a yt video in my recommended of one of those "animate my story" videos. the title was smthing along the lines of "im addicted to seeing other people in pain" and i was like "damn. ok lets see whats up!" and clicked it. in the video the guy describes fantasizing about his favourite characters being hurt and being taken care of, and how its never about real people and whatnot, and as little teenage me watched it, i realized "damn. fhis is fr me but with illnesses!" This was the first time ive ever found out there were others like me, so i immediately scrolled to the comments. unfortunately, literally everyone was liek "bro this dude is a freak..." and i was like "oh.. 😕😒" BUT THEN. this one commenter with a pink defualt yt profile pic said "hey :) ! this is actually called whump, and its more common than you think!" and i went WOAH. since then i searched up "sick fever" on google, found tumblr and fanfics and never looked back.

after seeing some of the #s on this site i definitely feel less alone now, but having a fever kink is still pretty uncommon right..? like i dont see anyone posting about it anywhere else except for the two sites a stated prior, and its not listed anywhere either (granted i havent looked very hard).

isnt it also just kinda weird- like even from an evolutionary standpoint... fever = infectious = bad = why would i wanna get closer and die..

regardless of reason, i just love a good sickness- fevers with flushed, hot skin, and chills and coughs. i also need a good temperature readings for the full experience, and i love all the descriptive diction about their health. im not a huge fan of descriptive puking or sinus related stuff, but im happy with it if it contributes to the fever plot-. ive also noticed over the years that its not simply just a cold- they need to be literally described/shown as flushed and sweaty. being "pale" or "green" AINT doing it for me 😡

anyways! yeah that was my rant :) wow thats long. in the unlikely event someone finds this lmk if u have an similar/different experiences, or if a younger me sees this hopefully they wont feel like such a weirdo and feel less alone

[dearweirdme]

https://www.tumblr.com/dearweirdme/757449554999296000/i-think-all-of-bts-sometimes-feed-shippers-i

i meant more that jkkrs are more accepted in the fandom, from what I've observed tkkrs are more their own fandom and they have no problem not being associated with armys, of course this isn't everyone, but from what I've seen jkkrs are generally tolerated more, I think it's cus the fandom built up tkkrs as the big bad shippers when realistically as far as shenanigans go jkkrs and tkkrs are pretty matched and there is a lot of people that bias jkk a lot and they excuse a lot of jkkr bullshit

to me fan service is sharing these moments cus fans love them, it doesn't mean to me that they're always faking it and that they secretly hate each other and play it up for the camera, rather that these are moments meant to be shared with armys and other fans that will then enjoy them, I do believe they all do it, I think even yoongi did it a lot on suwchita, a lot of people feel icky about fanservice as a term, I think it's just a term and says nothing about the closeness of the members, I think they all engage in it, sometimes even subconciously and I think some pairings just have better chemistry on camera than others but all of them are friends, it's a part of their job, not some moral failing

for taekook and specifically the hawaii photos, I go back and forth with what I believe, I think it was fanservice, I do think he did feed shippers cus of the timing of it all, but to me with tae if they indeed are dating, it doesn't come as a desire for attention from taekookers, liek clout for his photobook, but rather him wanting to share how close he is to jk, and not just to tkkrs but everyone, maybe feeding shippers isn't the correct term tho idk, either way fanservice and feeding shippers when it comes from idols themselves I don't mind much, it is part of their job and sometimes I do think they do it without even realizing it, and sometimes it's clearly the company either putting them in units the fans want to see and doing content with the ship they usually push and know people like and will want to see, I think the difference tho is when the members do it and when the company pushes narratives, that's when it starts to get icky to me, cus they're always so blatant about it, especially these recent articles

sorry this is a long ass rant again, I feel like I keep repeating myself🙈 anyway imo vminkook are all good friends and they like to show that to armys, and I believe taekook may or may not be together and that they also occasionally do fanservice cus they like to show they're close to armys and now armys and obviously tkkrs will like it

Hi anon!

I think in broad terms fanservice is the things they do to excite army. It’s stuff that has entertainment value.That can be several things, like engaging in funny behavior during a show, posting group pics, posting pics with members, mentioning each other, taping certain content, honestly a really long list of things. As you mentioned, I also think fanservice is aimed around army as a whole.

The existence of fanservice does not however mean that they never do or say things that are for themselves though. They are human, they want to share certain things because they want us to know or understand a certain part of them. I mean, they talk about hard stuff at times and share how that makes them feel.. that’s hardly fanservice, so if we accept that their negative emotions are a factor in what they share, why is it hard to accept that their positive emotions can also be shared because of a wish to be honest. I think sometimes something is fanservice and other times it is not 🤷🏻‍♀️. That does mean there’s always gonna be fandom discussion about which moments are and which aren’t though 😫.

Yes absolutely, Vminkook are the best of friends! No but seriously.. that Vmin hug when Jin got released healed parts of my heart I did not know were broken. These men have gone through a lifetime of memories together. I think it is very possible they agreed to not let shippers come between them.

[austinsastrology8991]

> Issues I have with you/occult / world < *long post* do not read if you don't want to waste your time < a subjective analysis of Astrology, numerology, manifestation, and a subtle exposé of my life

I got issues... but more importantly i got issues with you. I do a lot of research n i hate being told what to do/ and the occult gotta habit of telling me who tf i am.

and Im better at telling myself who tf I am.

THIs is who i am. <^> stop googly eyin me; foo

This is a fkn mess of a post > try your best to read; it was meant to be a story but im incapable > I just want you to have headache (me after reading this shit 20 times or whatever it is) i;m tired. now go away. or read. or die in a hole. all the same to me. astrology is a subjective subject. IDGAF how many books youve read or how many people you speak too; we are literally looking at a planet in space and are saying shit liek " oh im dat type of pretty (venus), im dominant over here (mars), and thats why my life sux (saturn) " meanwhile, the planet still just rotating and we like acting like we apart of its orbit. Its objectively a subjective subject... > its objective only in your natal chart - where the planets are etc.... but interpretations > subjective Sidenote- Im obsessed with astrology.... because my life sucks. and i need to like feel productive somehow - stfu i know this isnt productive, but tell me what you doing? don't act all jiminy cricket on me, when your soundtrack is that of a cricket beginning of rant Also: the mythology and practise of intepretating planets and asteroids, and well the complicated drama that is greek/roman mythology. while there is plenty of overlap, the sheer concept of 2 different intepretations created upon from, 2 seperate cultures, creates different texts and slight differences inherent within each story. this initself creates a subjective intepretation of aforementioned stories > not to mention other cultures who likely put their own narrative of these mythos > it allows us to also intepret it in our own way > it is all just imagination at the end of the day. Whilst the themes are uncannily similar, the form is always different, and thats why I like to intepret it in my own way, and i recommend you do tooo (Alike everything in this subject) ; however we need some clear rules, and guidelines, to make this subject actually palatable, but i fear this community would rather keep it confusing so we can treasure the secrets of the occult on our own. and to that I do understsnd, however, anyone reading tumblr astrology, I believe to already be taking that leap into the occult and should be granted at least some introductory access. and here is (1) problem

Astrology signs are the how, and the houses are the where, > yet you all describe 2nd house a whole lot like tuarus, 10th house lot like capricorn. I mean Ik its similar but yall acting like its different yet your intepretations aint all dat different from each other..... but if the how for you is the where for me, then how tf is it so hard for me to see the differences?… if there is such a startling difference like yall always claim.. to me the themes are so fkn similar whereby > i think its the same > degree, house, sign; same shit diff smell

This however made 4 years ago me, very insecure.:.. 😢I couldn’t figure out the difference and I felt dumb 🤧 but That was 4 years ago - I was noob…. made me realize things like: we got an attitude problem today - we youngins always apologizing, trying to make others comfortable about our bullshit (Anxiety skill issue), yet the old fucks are hella comfortable telling us what to do (authority skill issue), like bro. you dont even know me, and im supposed to bow to you, just so your gonna bread crumb me with some bs self professed 'useful' advice??? if you talked to each other youd realize you all have the same advice... and you too old to keep up with my problems, so stop acting like you know.....

and so like uh, its not bold of me to say that; if your a legit astrologer you know you can just read people. yes everyone has free will, and other explanations to undermine the importance of astrology, but we know whats going on > try me > *sales pitch noise*<

Tumblr astrology is good but not proffesional, just: posts about random asteroids, random observations, random sexytime, and the occasional ‘official’ astrologers bread crumbing us to incentivize us to pay for a reading…. Now I got nothing better to do with my life (nor do you clearly) so we all on here fucking around> but I made da sacrifice > I spent real money

And these 'readings' > dog shit I tell ya > oh don’t worry none of them were from tumblr people. But people in my city and they knew less than what I knew (from reading your tumblr shits)

So it turns out you guys lowkey experts - we done a million random astrology observations - and if your a lurker, you lowkey know more than some pros; and da concept of analyzing people in your life with astrology has made you a *drum roll* > an average astrologer. your not average, if the experts are only 20% better than you (lets say). so with this in mind your not that far off their expertise.. oh you cant measure it? tell me what i dont know < (tell me more) IM HUNGRY, MORE POSTS, MY FEED IS FUCKInG HUNGRY

Now however wasting my money > pissed me off… but its a blessing, becasuse i became >.....> not depressed!!! Finally I got my energy back >>> legs go...

So I learned to read astrology. I just kept reading these websites and interpreting them and well.. I think they overcomplicate a lot of things, and they say it like a report card, when obviously you and I are multiple planets, aspects, houses, degrees, house lords, persona charts, midpoints, asteroids, not to mention composite, synastry, transits solar return , and all da other fkn ones that I cannot be bothered mentioning. Yet there’s a whole fucking essay about one aspect… like bro you couldn’t make a summary? and im supposed to read each of my other aspects? (ofc i did) but like this is just trying to make me spend money (too much reading) and well Im a greedy little fuck so imma drain your resources and not give you a dime >t > SWIPER NO SWIPING <

and i hate watching people trynna act like they know shit yet eat their own words n adjectives like you aint a professional; you just labeled yourself one > wheres your doctorate at bitch? Had enough shitty readings to not trust another 'tarot reader', but its cool the 'psychologists' aint did much better > thank you mother for the birth of my existence but shi dis place a fkn willy wonkin fsctory - and its foul - most places that try to help you that is.... ' you need to be able to receive help' bitch stfu yall underestimsting my problems and overestimating your ability to make me feel better; BITCH I STFG you dont know shiiiiitiittttttttttt > and yall look happy dont you > "dont trust a bartender who dont drink bitch" - KanYe. Numeroloy 'master numbers' > So many sites only use master numbers from 11 > 22 > 33... but wheres the 44? the 55? the 66?????? dont tell me yall didnt realize that every 'master number' still reverts back to each number (9). > 11 =2, 22 = 4, 33=6, 55 = 1, 66 = 3, 77=5..... bro god stsyed outta this mess clearly..... and its always the ones that be inventing new gods that fuck everything too 🤫 furthermore annoyances of numerofuckology - because they reduce the number back down.. .e.g. you have life path 89 > which is simplified to 17 > then to 8.... why not use 89? why we dissin 9 ????? let alone the complete number??? why not intepret both numbers together???? yall just wanna do 1 because your simple with it. and 9 getting left out fr... and yall always celebrating how special 9 is yet he always left out (magic of math - adding 9 - always reverts back to original) honestly - sometiems its so obvious why yall became numerologists sometimes...... Dont even get me started on ANGEL NUMBERS i could neva stfu

i mean yall still trying to test how true it all is, but if you throw a fish at a pisces they gonna go all googly eye on you. tell a scorpio that you intimidated and now your their favourite informant... read their life path number, and you know what they wanna be doing with their life.... i mean it really is a key, and yall locks are looser than you think... watch yo back.. i wouldnt trust someone who can help me (what do they even want), let alone get help from someone who is useless; why would you? dont act like you dont have trust issues, its like our way of relating to each other at this point. your good at sex if you have.... what about the other person? i mean if you masterbate to yoself maybe.... but if a composite chart / synastry have say - chiron eros? pluto saturn? mars dejanira.... how much are you gonna be fucking yourself when you fucked a dirty fucka..... rip virginity - and rip yo self esteem - dangerous game to value your sex appeal as much as you do...... or maybe your living a fantasy on the internet, and that is healthier, but thoughts are manifestations.... oh shit what da fuck have i manifested oh shitttttttttt IM BEING SUCKED IN A VORTEX OF MY OWN SHIT, SOMONE CALL A MANIFESTOR AGHJH AGJJGH please dont be offended, i do like this community; im just a devils advocate... sometimes 👹

you guys put too muhc importance on manifeststion, and i mean if you think its facts, look at what the people around you are manifesting.... OH thats why you isolate so much. so your manifesting loneliness.... oh you try to help people, so your just a trash can for a rubish person.... you see what i mean, manifestation aint so clear cut as you seem to believe. I believe in it, but Im so used to receiving crap, I learned to enjoy eating shit (we all did) and what is "one mans trash is another mans soap" - fight club Oh and Pluto my favourite - every curse a blessing and every blessing a curse.... stop complaining > he gave you the sauce and the only way to show you was to make you cry > lil bitch > pluto profile pic winking at you rn natal > persona > midpoint > composite > synastry > transit > return charts this is the offical order governed by me- so much more imporatnt to understand yourself over what the world got installed / what your partner doing - work on yo insecurities rather than be worried about something you have no control ova

hmmm thats all the issues i have for now.... just look at me as the boy who cried wolf. they aint a wolf here yet; but they gonna be, and im warning yall > why people dont get it...its because there are too many contradictions > but i fully believe, ive had so many spiritual experiences where if i denied them, id be drinking alcohol and pretending i aint a alcoholic. and i do love yall, but sometimes your an eye roll 29th post requires. 29 degree typa energy - YOlo MOfo

[watsername]

could i please please rant about a fashion aesthetic that personally gives me brain damage? see i actually agree with everything you said about balletcore being about classism with people trying to look rich with no respect for the art itself but i also want to talk about the opposite side of it, COTTAGECORE. I FUCKING HATE IT.

its the exact opposite in this case because people are trying to look poor which they somehow consider as humble???? and these days its so tied with TERF shit that it makes me homicidal. "Oh look how the simple village folk were so effortlesly beautiful, the village women nothing but fairylike waifs dancing through the fields with a handwoven basket full of apples, the absolute pinacle of true femininity and grace ❤️" IF YOU SAW AN ACTUAL VILLAGE WOMAN AT WORK, YOU WOULD PUKE.

theres also that millionaire bitch on tiktok that keeps pushing tradwife shit in her village cosplay kitchen which is a whole nother topic but lets continue onto the actual outfits used for this aesthetic. first, every single color and pattern choice is fucking wrong. i have my great grandmothers clothes, i wear her headscarves, the actual village aesthetic is surprisingly mainly white with bright pop out colors done in culture specific patterns on the hems of the garments. while cottage core is muted brown, muted brown, oh look! muted green! what a fantastic variety of earth tones and creams! why not just wear a fucking potato sack while your at it?! and surprisingly they rarely if ever incorporate headscarves into the easthetic, as if there aren't multiple village cultures that all share the use of headscarves as work and celebratory garments. and none of the aesthetic clothes have patterns outside of just cableknit! its all just cream shirt, cableknit sweater, long skirt. thats it? no scarf? no sash? no embroidery patterns? no apron?! also depending on the region (and the aesthetic is heavily focused on the EU countries often the western side) where the fuck are the furs?! wolf fur hats, fox fur coat/scarf???? welted boots?! its a fucking disgrace

all that i understood from doing research on the aesthetic is that they took western EU village outfits, took every single cultural marker out of them, smashed them together, got a brownish mess like dirty paint water, seperated it into basic color tones, and made shitty clothes which they mass produced and are now selling at an outrageous price so that the rich can badly cosplay as the poor. i have way more hang ups like how cottagecore is often merged with wiccan to make up mystical terfy bullshit which is so fucking disrespectful to the actual pagans but thats outside of fashion so nvm

yeah there’s been a lot of criticism of cottagecore and the audience it markets itself to there’s definitely something weird with the way they treat femininity and the whole connection between cottagecore tradwifeisms and divine femininity which is starting to seep into radfem spaces too like . the way that a soft femininity is being weaponised to promote anticapitalism and feminine separatism but also promoting traditional gender roles and enforcing a borderline biblical femininity as the ‘right way to be a woman’ whilst actively pushing capitalism by buying into aesthetics and specified interior design to portray the illusion of humility . it all feels very not like other girls as well by rejecting and borderline condemning modern femininity esp the treatment of women who enjoy glamour and express sexuality liek its almost puritan . its pretty i like muted greens i love a safe green kicthen but aestheticism always goes beyond the clothes it’s communication and i’m not a fan of what’s being communicated through cottagecore a lot

[quirkybisworld]

Men

I love men, sometimes. I have such a complicated realtionship with them though. Ive never dated one ever. I used to get huge crushes just by looking at one, but now i dont. Then they never like me back. If they do like me back its either too late or i dont feel the same anymore. One time i was talking to this man. He was cute and very sweet, but it was to rushed for me. I did get a crush on him but it was too rushed for me. Everything was happening to fast for me. He would ask me out and really try to get with me, but i always declined. I was also going through a lot. I feel like im always going through a lot though, but i truly was at this moment whether i saw it or not. My friend approved of him which was good. No matter how hard i tried to get myself to date him, i just couldnt. This went on for about a month until my friend said i should jsut be honest with him and tell him that i am not going to date him anytime soon. So i did. He handled it very well, and said something sweet probably, but we would still talk as friends. Later on he tries to get with me again, im pretty sure, and again i declined. Even more time went by and i was manic. I felt like getting a boyfriend cause again manic, i get very spontaniase. So i asked him out. He said idk. Remind you lots of time went by and lots of things happened. So he wasnt sure. HE wanted time to think. So i gave him time to think. We talked and he thought. A couple weeks later he gave me an answer, and the answer was no. I felt bad. I was very depressed too at this moment too. I didnt talk to him after awhile, but i wasnt rtalking to most people. Then one day he unadded me. I have tried to reach out and everyting, but i cant get a response. My friend made me unadd him on Facebook recently. I noticed soemthing about me. I would only ever date if i truly have a huge crush on them. It also get sscary on how much i would do for them if that means i can get together with them. Other times liek this man for instance, in have a hard time dating. I dont talk about it much. I have to really resally liek them for me to date them. I get so scared. My dream is to be good friends with them before i date them, but thatll be hard to do. I dont quite know what it is, maybe it is commitment issues? I have no idea if i have that. I get scared to lose my independence too. I have gone so long without a relationship that i am so independent now. This isnt a cry out for soemone to date me cause that is NOT what i am doing at all lol. Im jsut ranting for when i do get into a relationship, this stuff i just really wanted to vent was all, and share my weird thing on relationships and men. Thankssssssss i also wanted to rant about that man grrrrrrrr. Also this other man i really want to rant about too but im bored of this so byeeeeee

[yuan4i]

WOAH UR ALSO AN E and damnnn ur pretty good with these MBTI stuff.. I just know common knowledge bout it 😔🙏

Even in my school it's alright as long as you pass but my subjects are not that complicated.. But it's just tht my friends get sm more than me even tho I hv avg marks n better than some people but when my frnds get better and get upset bout losing marks, it makes me insecure cuz I'm not even that bothered cuz I accept my fate lol.. But yeah it just makes me upset when someone who got better than me and is my frnd whines n complains when they shld be boasting bout it.. Sorry it turned into a random rant/talk I just felt like saying 🥸

HOPE YOU TAKE CARE AND STAY HEALTHY <33333

- 🧋anon

LMFAOO mbti was my hyperfixation liek three years ago and i did SO MUCH like research on it and forced all my friends to do it too!!

AND DUDE I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND LMAO LIKE im classes im around average and i have these friends that get like high 90s and dude everytime they complain sm when it's like a 91?? LIKE GIRLIE.... I'M HERE BARELY SURVIVING WITH MY 66??? DW I ENJOYED YOUR RANT AND LIKE I AGREE BROO

[the1975attheirverybest]

Ok so upon some digging he might have been new but that really does make him worse for stating a lable with, and looking at his cofoundera is an ex football player, some guy named brian who i cant find anything about and chuck waite who im pretty sure has a hsiitory in music thank god. if he hadn't been around a while, which could well be true because I cannot find a single thing about him before the 1975, starting a label so....recklessly is so stupid.

but also I'm pretty sure jamie is like 49 right now (maybe 50 since he was born in july) cause he was born in 74, so he was like 39 (my mistake on the 40s thing but liek he was fucking old conpartively to the boys)

So like yeah, even if he was new (once again I can't find anything about Him existing before the 1975 other than he made the label in 2009) if you Google him all that comes up is his dh founding or the 1975 it's like fucking weird honestly how intrinsically reliant on them he seems for his presence online and looking into his cofounders I can only find one with a background in music and nothing about one of the guys (all that came up when I googled hom was a cyclist by the same name) so truly, if he was new, and did that, I think its a fucking miracle they've made it this long.

But like actually tho imagine a manager comes up to you in his late 30s (39/40 I think) and your early 20s and then he becomes your bands manager meaning he is in control of almost all your career prospects in the early days. Regardless of whether he was new or not (I was under the impression he wasn't but then again he might have been he's a fucking mystery) it's evident he has no clue what he's actualy supposed to be doing. He's a middle aged man that is entirely complacent running everything with a "the boys will bail us out" mentality and its not working because of course its not he's irresponsible and petty and I am surprised the label still fucking stands with his absolute lack of ability to run the thing. Like I can't actually tell you what he does, because I don't think he knows either.

Anywya yes this was my very long rant (been googling shit to double check because legit I had a moment where I was like "I swear Jamie is 50 this year" and yeah he is, July baby. But also like I googled him to check and legit all that came up over and over again was his dh stuff and personal socials so I had to find his birthday and do math)

Omg no, no. I am just now seeing it cuz I got distracted putting my dog back in the car and I guess missed the notification.

One thing I will say is……he doesn’t look as old as he is????? Am I insane? I don’t wanna give the man undue compliments HAHAHA. But I legit thought he was a lot younger.

But you’re right. Also, I’m reluctant to give him TOO much credit for the 1975’s longevity. I’m sure, as an actual musician, you have a more nuanced understanding of this than me, but I’ve always felt that the boys have remained at this level, and only gotten bigger and better, mainly because of how good the rest are at re-inventing themselves. They never made the same record twice. And that’s matty and George and Ross and Adam. Jamie ain’t making the music. Lmao. BUT I take your point. He’s the one who makes sure they are out there. Being seen by people who need to see them. So alright Jamie. You can have a crumb of praise. 🙄 you’re still shit and you should cover your feet.

[cg-twys-daycare]

Hey,I hope you doing ok, jsut need to have a little rant somewhere you don’t have to answer or anything, so I went away for the weekend(I might need in soem pictures I took they are pretty) with my family, but I was left babysitting my sisters every night we were there and missed soem of the evening events I wanted to go to and had told my parents I wanted to see, then my dad dropped a bottle I had made(like I made the design and printed it onto a bottle) and broke the lid and now it leaks and is super sharp my aunty has spare lids she said I could have but my mum refused to pick one up this evening when she went there and left me to babysit again and told me she’d only be 10 minutes granted my aunty lives 5 minutes down the road, but then I was left babysitting for the 4th night in a row for 2 whole hours which meant putting my sisters to bed which is difficult because of the heat here, so for my three nights away and the first day back at hoem I was left to baby sit and I can’t even use my favourite bottle that helps me discretely slip into my headspace because it’s broken still, my parents don’t know about my age regression and have previously stated that they find it weird and gross when reading an article about someone online who does it so I can’t even tell them about it, all I want to do is cry and rest because I’m so tired and they just keep asking me to do stuff I’ve previously said I don’t like doing liek babysitting-its not that I don’t like babysitting it’s just that my sisters don’t listen to me and then I get told off because their toys are all over the floor and it’s a mess in the house because I was supposed to clean and look after 2 kids and one that didn’t even live here and then deal with my brothers really loud and inappropriate music whilst he said he was gonna invite his girlfriend or friends round on the day of my prom and all the attentions gonna be on him and his mates not helping me get ready for a big night of mine because he’s the favourite child and I’m used to being disappointed by people but I don’t want to feel that way anymore and I’m not sure I’m wrong for feeling this was because other friends and family members have said it’s my job to help round the house and look after everyone when asked because I’m the eldest child but really deep down I’m just a little child whose broken and lost and too easily hopeful then broken down and disappointed and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do because no one seems to understand or want to listen to my feelings they just write them all off

Sorry I realise this is super long, don’t feel pressured to answer or anything you don’t have to at all I just needed to write this somewhere to kind of get it off my mind, thanks for being here though your a really great person and I appreciate you letting me and others vent/rant on here without getting mad over it or annoyed by it

Thank you for venting all of that! Just because you are the oldest sibling doesn't mean you should be taking care of your younger siblings. You are still a child and kid yourself, and your parents should be the ones taking care of you all. I hate seeing the oldest (usually daighter) who gets parentified and has to take care of everything that the parents don't want to deal with.

I dont know how I could help, but I'd offer to sit them down and really talk about how you are still their child too, and you shouldn't be doing these tasks. Especially without getting paid. It should be fun to babysit and do things with your siblings, but I can see this is affecting all of your family relationships. Trying to be an authority but also a sister. Being told you have to do certain things when you truly are just a child yourself, regression and family wise.

[curiouskurona]

i could write an essay ( i probably have if u put all my rants to friends together sbjcjsncja ) but . ill condense some of my main gripes into some simple / quick bullet points ( edit : lol )

rue and mytho should NOT have ended up togethar . i could get into it but these are supposed to be short bullet points ajdnjca . edit : my other bullet points got long too so nevermind ill just say it sjxjcka . they dont actually love eachother , at least not romantically , if at all . rue was abused and manipulated by the raven into believing that no one could possibly love her besides mytho , shes super dependent on him emotionally and spent most of her time with him treating him liek a doll , he was her pet boyfriend . the ending feels liek mytho feels obligated to be with her , hes liek woah she really loves me , i should make her happy and be with her , i want to protect her . heres tha thing tho : mytho is not owed to rue because shes sad . he is not a consolation prize . shes had a hard life and i feel for her but their relationship is not healthy . so is mytho just supposed to walk on eggshells around her for tha rest of his lief ? is he supposed to cater to her and stay by her forever because shes obsessed with him ? no . she needs therapy . she needs friends . it was so good seeing her with ahiru , i wish they expanded on that friendship moare . she needs to separate from mytho , who shes been clinging onto all this time . she needs to realize that other people can and will love her , that shes not a monster , and that her behavior towards mytho was absolutely unacceptable . mytho could be friends with her after a while but they absolutely need time apart and he absolutely deserves to live for himself , not to live for this really sad girl who needs him for her to be happy . also i know hes a fictional character turned real boy and he doesnt age , at least not without his heart ( maybe he'll age from here on out ? ) but does NO ONE ELSE find it creepy that rue met him when she was liek . a toddler . 5 or 6 years old at tha most . and mytho was already 14 - 16 . i get it he was in a fugue state and he doesnt really have a ' real ' age but . feels weird scoob

mytho should not have gone back into the story . he should have gotten to liek . be a person . instead they shove him right back into the story to keep playing the part he was given and keep being this perfect prince ?? what ???? i thought everyone was supposed to BREAK their roles . not mytho i guess . he has to ride off into the sunset with someone who kept him as a pet boyfriend for most of her time with him . nah , mytho should have stayed out of the book and been given a chance to discover himself , get a hobby , rest . let him stop fighting . let him be a person . please

fakir ( and rue but i alteady talked about her , this bullet point is about fakir ) should have apologized . i know tha fandom loves to kiss his ass but he straight up textbook abused mytho [ this cannot be waved away by ' oh but mytho didnt feel anything so its okay ' because fakir specifically refrences that he knows mytho is getting his feelings back as early as tha first shard , and his behavior does not change . it might have even gotten worse ] and the only thing he said about that was a halfhearted " yeah ive been kind of a jerk huh " to no one in particular at the end . hello . i dont hate him and i know hes had his struggles too , they all have . but i wish he got ANY repercussions for his actions . hes pretty much completely off the hook for the way he acted , narratively and through most of the fandom's reception . oh boo hoo mytho was drunk off ravens blood that was forced upon him and in a different state of mind he yelled at fakir . thats the most fakir has ever had to deal with from mytho ( he actually hasnt gotten ANY kind of flack from mytho that wasnt because of the ravens blood ) and its unsatisfying . he and mytho need to talk about everything that happened . fakir needs to say sorry

not a huge gripe / im not that upset about this , but in my ideal ending ahiru should have been able to be a human . if fakir can write all these things to make everything better couldnt there have been a way for her to stay a girl , even if she couldn't be Princess Tutu anymoare ? i know i know , " true self " and everything . shes really a duck , yes . but isnt she " really " a girl , too ? wasnt that time she spent as ahiru part of her as well ? mytho isnt " really " a person , but he is . ahiru isnt " really " a girl , but she is . i want her to be human , if thats what she wants

ive written enough ajdjxjkxkxa ill end it there . i love love LOVE Princess Tutu , but that ending . . . was NOT it

Anime Question : 2

[prismartist]

one thing im excited for once im done w the big bang aside from the art is that i can get to finish and posts the million other wips ive accumulated lmao

[oh-my-may]

Sakusa, Tsukishima and Kenma when their s/o gets a wound

requested: sakusa, tsukki, and kenma with a s/o who gets a wound? maybe they went to do an activity and get their knees scraped bad and the boys find out? how would they take care of their s/o?

Sakusa was such a good pick for this oh my that’s probably why his is a bit longer please forgive me I am weak for him ok

Sakusa Kiyoomi:

There were not a lot of things you could do as dates, since Sakusa declined most of your suggestions saying that it would be too unhygienic or too much work making sure everything would be clean.

But when you came up with the idea of going wandering on a mountain trail, where only mostly elderly people where, he was all for it. Of course he also didn’t liek staying insiode all the time, and a place where anybody went while being in nature sounded like music to his ears.

However you regretted your decision soon after you guys started your trip. You were breathing heavily and your legs already felt like spaghetti and you werent even halfway up the hill. Sakusa however, with his amazing sports stamina was walking ahead and barely notived that you fell way behind, until he wanted to talk to you and you didn’t respond to his words. He turned around wondering where you were. Did you maybe get lost? But then he saw you hanging over, your hands placed on your knees and you looked up to him smiling, but you couldn’t hide the exhaustion.

Your boyfriend couldn’t help but chuckle seeing you like that. He walks to you and stops in front of you, tilting his head while he observes your heaving figure. “You know, we can just return if you want to. But the air up here is really good and I guess it’s even better at the top.” You just shake your head, insisting on continuing this trip because it hasn’t been often that you saw Kiyoomi this careless. You were determined to make this an enjoyable trip for the both of you, but especially him. He deserved a pause from his hectic life.

So he grabs your hand and walks slowly beside you for a while, both of you enjoying the nature around you and the fresh air sweeping through your lungs. When you’re finally at the top you have a nice picnic while enjoing the view over the land, watching leaves dance in the wind and tumbling around you, taking in all the scents of exotic flowers and birds chirping somewhere in the tree tops.

You feel a lot better when you get back down. Walking down on a mountain is a lot less exhausting than walking up, after all. Your steps fly more easily. Too easily. You’re more careless with your steps and before you can stop it you stumble over a big rock in your way, landing on your knees before Sakusa can grab your wrist. However he’s quick to help you up again and you flinch and hiss when you shift your weight on your left leg again. Your knee is totally scraped, a small rill of blood running down your leg. Some small stones still stick to your skin and Sakusa is quick to pull out a small package from his backpack, because this man never goes anywhere unprepared.

He helps you sit down on a tree trunk next to the path you were walking and he looks at you with slight amusement but also worry in his eyes. He sighs before leaning down and placing a kiss on the top of your head and then kneels down in front of you, taking care of the wound. “What am I gonna do with you? You’re so clumsy...” he mumbles and you have to smile, though your knee still burns badly. Sakusa takes care of it perfectly, even kissing the bandage on top of your knee after he’s done. However, he doesn’t let you walk down again, he carries you down all the way on his back and you’re not complaining.

You just cling onto him and cuddle into his back, burying your face in his neck and stroking his hair occassionally, thanking him for taking care of you so well. He smiles to himself when he feels you pressing to him, feeling your breath so close on his skin.

After the trip he still checks up on your knee everyday, even when it’s not a wound that serious. He still claims that it shouldn’t get infected and that he’s the only one besides a doctor that can take proper care of it. Always kisses your knee after every check up! A true cariing cutie, I am way too soft for this man

Tsukishima Kei:

It was hard to get Tsukishima thrilled of the idea of going somewhere special to hang out. He was more of the stay inside kinda person, preferring just cuddling up to you in private.

You accepted his choices (even though you still got him to go to certain places sometimes) and that’s how you transformed everyday situations into little dates. Like lunch in school or staying in your garden instead of in the house, sometimes you’d even join his practice and watch him there. Even though he would never admit it, he enjoyed it when you do that. It always makes his insides all giddy and warm because you care for him so much!

You also always walk home together, talking about anything on your way or just quietly listening to music while enjoying each other’s company, silently holding or hands or sometimes he’ll just sling an arm around your shoulders and pull you close to him, walking like that for a while.

Today however you were “balancing” on a wall next to the sidewalk while talking to Kei and rambling about your day. It was fun to you focusing on taking the right steps, even though the platform you were walking on was not that small. You still had to be careful about where you placed your feet, because there were roots and other plants growing over and through the stone. “Ugh anyway, and then our teacher just made us write a test, and it was fine I guess but still sucked.” you ended your little rant.

“Y/N, are you really sure you should walk up there? Don’t you think it would be safer down here? You’re gonna get hurt if you don’t look out.” Tsukki just says while looking up to you with a vague face. You almost laughed seeing him like that. Was he actually worrying about you? Contrary to you always worrying about him at games, this was a nice change.

“Don’t be silly Kei, I’ve been balancing on things since I was a child, literally nothing will happen-” And that’s when you literally cursed yourself, because just moment later you stumble over a root and fall down, though you manage to cushion your fall with your hands which got the most damage.

Your boyfriend is right next to you in no time, helping you up and scanning your body for any injuries, but luckily only your hands got injured and your elbow felt weird, making your whole arm feel like some sort of pudding. Tsukki is just shaking his head while taking in the scrapes and cuts on your hands. You flinch when he softly touches your strained skin and he looks at you with disapproval. His eyes literally tell you “I told you so.” but fortunately he has enough tactfulness to not say it out loud. He accompanies you to your house, constantly shaking his head when you whimper and pout because your hands hurt.

He reluctantly helps you clean your hands, because he claims he’s not good with that kind of stuff and he only helps you bandage the wound because you don’t want to move your hands too much. Quiet sounds of disapproval still leave his lips as he does, though. Something like that could never happen to him, he says. Still, the look in his eyes is loving. He appreciates your playful side a lot. Without it, his life would be pretty plain. Without YOU it would be.

He loves you, but please prepare for a bunch of teasing after the incident. He will never let you climb on something or balance somewhere every again for a long time because honestly? He cares about you a little too much and he can’t bear to see you hurt in any way.

Kenma Kozume:

Kenma always seemed to be busy with some things. In the morning it was school, in the afternoon volleyball practice and in the evening and at night he was usually gaming.

You tried you best to insert yourself into his routine. Walk to school with him, spend the breaks at school with him, game with him, watch him at practice. You were fine with it, really, because you noticed how over the time he got more cooperative and sometimes skipped volleyball practice to hang out with you, or he was starting to game a bit less in order to go to the cinema with you etc.

But you still treasured the time the most when you could hang with him normally, like at practice. You could actually spend hours watching him do something else other than hanging over his console.

And the other members loved you, too. They appreciated you being at practice, it was like having another manager. You also took care of them and told them everything you observed, you brought snacks and cheered for them in any game. Sometimes you’d even join in during training camps and get along with other teams, as well.

You normally used your time during practice to do homework or work on other things, but today you helped out as the “ballboy/girl” basically and ran around the gym catching the flying volleyballs and collecting them for the boys. You’d throw them back to them or helped them to serve the ball, but you were always just moving around the whole time. You didn’t mind, though. It was actually very fun, the boys were constantly joking around. But Kenma didn’t look all that amused whenever a ball just closely missed you or when you almost fell in an attempt to catch a ball.

You watched as him and Yaku were talking to Lev and teaching him how to do a proper serve. The first year was listening eagerly, moving his hands and arms around enthusiastically and you found yourself grinning when Kenma moved his hands over his face in frustration.

Then it finally came to Lev putting all the tips into something and he was standing at the end of the field, ready to serve. You watched him fail a few times until he hit the ball with a loud bang and slammed it over the net, right to where you were standing. No one had enough time to react properly and before you could even think about diodging the ball landed straight on your chest and you fell backwards, hitting your head on the floor hard. For a moment you couldn’t see or hear anything, just darkness and dancing light in front of your eyes and a defeaning beeping in your ears.

Someone helped you to sit up and you slowly began to see contours of people around you, and their voices were still incomprehendable to you. You felt hands on your back and then on your face and you looked into your boyfriends face who had widened eyes and looked very pale.

Then he turned around and basically chased Lev through hell for doing this, giving him the lecture of his life even though you weren’t hurt that badly. there was a small wound at the back of your head and just a little bit of blood came out.

Kenma was by your side the whole time, flinching a lot more than you when you got a bandage around your head. You got some medication from the doctor and while you were tripping a little bit he still stayed at your side, giving you his console so you can play and distract yourself from ther pain

Literally really won’t leave your side, will stay at your house until you can go to school again and he just spends the days next to you in your bed, pouting when he sees the wound and carefully stroking your hair. He’s a big cuddler during this time and literally won’t led you near the gym anytime soon. He always gives Lev death stares when he gets near you, like a hissing cat.

A protective boy, 11/10 would love and cherish

[twisted-wonderland-but-gayer]

Hahaha, I've been stalking your acc for a while and I lobe every bit of it.

On the other hand, I got a bit of courage to actually say something. Or rather ask if you know that one faniction "Yuuand the power of magic".

Basicly our Yuu is a Hogwarts student that gets kinda kidnapped by a mirror the day before she needs to arrive at Hogwarts. The start of the story is very closely tied to the original story of twst, but as the time passes it goes in a bit different direction then the original.

At first I thought that it would be one of those shitty "y/n" like fanfiction where everyone are just smitten with the mc right out the bat. You don't even know my surprise when it wasn't true at all. 😭

I'm loving every bit of it!

I especially love how the author of this ff didn't make the boys all softies and "the nice guys", but actually keep them being quiet evil. Broo, they even made Trey have their dark side a bit, showing how good of a liar he is (connection to taht time he told us in game that oyster sauce is a secret ingredient that makes cake good 😭)

And Riddle while disliking Yuu at first like in original, he actually has his respectful moments with Yuu when she showed respect to him, and he became interested in her after she helped out with the Overblot. He didn't become a simp, at least not like most Fandom likes to make him out to be. And he still can be quiet evil at times, liek any character in there.

We also have some "women respect" moments from leona after he figured out that Yuu a girl (in taht one Yuu pretend to be a boy after she realizes taht its an only-boys school), a d we have some hilarious crewel and crowley moments where Crewel is Hella mad at Crewel, bc women needs respect and he cannot believe taht that old crow man made a girl stay in an old dusty building 😤

It's also super nice how Yuu as a character have her own personality there! She's pretty straightforward and seems sometimes nasty, she also don't let ppl talk shit about her into her face (aka Floyd most of the time. They didn't had a good first meeting), and she's pretty smart while not also giving off taht vibe???? 🤣 she sometimes gets stuff so slow, but tbh that don't make this ff bad at all???? I'm not annoyed taht she is sometimes slow to understand, it feels so natural?

It's truly good that they didn't make her either damsel in distress or "I'm so amazing and brave", bc ngl sometimes it's annoying.

Lmaooo, as you can see I'm truly into taht book 👌it's really rare to get a good read sometimes! And this ff is sooo long, 752676 words and 32 chapters!

This is really an amazing read. I really hope to interact with you a bit more, and sorry for this big rant about this story but as you can clearly see,- I'm smitten. 🥰

~Arpy

I saw it but I'm an enby and very much dislike she/her pronouns since I'm not one. Still to those who don't mind or use all pronouns jeres a good fic rec for you.

[kawaiianimeredhead]

there’s a really terrible part of myself that keep thinking about how I’ve gained (barely any) weight like over the last bits of time and it’s so rude and bs but also still /there/ ya know

like for pretty much my entire life that’s been such a Thing of mine that people mention. how small I am with emphasis on my weight. And honestly, while I didn’t and haven’t done anything about the thought of gaining weight (like trying to lose it) the moment my jeans and underwear started not fitting I almost LOST it emotionally? this was like a couple of years ago at this point but it really fucked me up? It was so genuinely upsetting and while I didn’t dwell in it, didn’t dive in or sit in the pool of gross, it was and still is there in little splashes of thought and it’s so bad...

(at some point when I was typing out the tags for this I guess I accidentally deleted the first tag so for context I guess the first tag was about how I was remembering how much I want to cosplay tinkerbell. so you start with that sentence and then start my entire rant in the rest of the tags if that’s a place you read)

[char-lotteral]

Look I'm not one of those people who believe Kishimoto decided to have Hinata and Naruto end up in the middle part of Shippuden. I believe he decided in the very last arc but he wanted to sound smart so he said he decided earlier on. Otherwise, they obviously would have more scene together. In Shippuden, they have only three scenes together ; when Naruto came back, the pain attack and the neji death scene. That's it. In the original Naruto, they probably have less than ten canon scenes not including fillers.

So I'm sorry I'm one of those who wasn't convinced by The Last. They literally had a basic villain go after Hinata who was cringe btw (the villain). They gave Hinata op powers which she doesn't have in the novel 👀. Despite having op powers, they made her the damsel in distress. Very "The hero saves the princess" cliche. Again, to justify them being together. I mean Naruto can't differentiate his love for ramen and romantic love so how??? He was just being nice to Hinata just like he does to everyone. He stood up for her just like he does for everyone.

Don't get me started on the Sakura Sasuke relationship 🤣. Cringe. They never knew each other. The whole Sakura's love for Sasuke saved him doesn't make sense. They spent barely a year in their genin year before sasuke left. Sasuke tried to kill Naruto and Sakura multiple times. Then at the end of the war, Kishimoto tried to do the "oh they have such a deep understanding between each other" which comes off as cringey. He gets her pregnant then leaves for years. She's literally a single mom who's broke.

Every relationship in Naruto is so cringey and forced except shikatemari. Kishimoto should've focused on the main story and fixed his potholes and leave the ending open.

Naruto would not have been perfect but at least it would've been remembered for staying true to its vision but instead it's remembered for cringey relationships, dumbass villain (except pain and madara) and a story that lost its core which is a shame coz I used to love Naruto. I was inspired by its messages but now....

OKAY LOL WAIT I ACTUALLY HAVE THIS LONG ASS RANT PREPARED XD

BUT FIRST Ive read what you said and I lowkey agree :p

HOWEVER

I DRAW THE LINE AT TONERI SLANDER. BECAUSE WHY

TONERI?? CRINGE?? THIS SEXY MOTHERFUCKER??

LOOK AT HIS WHITE FLUFFY HAIR AND HIS CERULEAN BLUE ORBS STARING DEEPLY INTO YOUR SOUL

SAY SIKE RIGHT NOW?!#*@*#&@*

okay lol now for the juicy part click readmore and beware I shall be brutally honest so yea enjoy

I mean, Naruto in general is a mess, not just the ships if we're being realistic. Alot of plotholes, rushed endings, this and that, the w a r a r c, Kaguya, the way they rushed Boruto ehhh. Honestly, getting into Naruto is literally my biggest regret of 2020 :"DD

Im an NH shipper as you can tell by my hotmess of a blog but i fully respect your opinion and understand your point of view. I also know a bunch of nh stans who have their complaints with their development. I wish Kishi gave more attention to his female cast really, thats all I fucking ask. If he did that one single basic thing, then maybe the endgame relationships wouldnt have been an asspull and theyd be given propper screentime with their love interest, both Sakura and Hinata. The Last tbh i think the writers played it safe and stuck to the whole Naruto shounen vibe thingy, so im not surprised it was plotted that way. Typical cliché shounen movie.

But does that bother me? No! The Last was a mess, their development was shit, they definitely needed more screentime but hey at the end of the day theyre cute as fuck, we have that kiss scene, flirting scenes, a shit ton of official art, three kids, Seiki's gif :33 and a whole ass arc for their wedding all that for just a shounen anime so eh. Compensates for it i guess xD theyre not toxic, unhealthy or whatnot. Theyre wholesome, soft and vanilla as fuck and exactly what i need in my hectic life rn. No drama, just two kind souls who are adorable as heck and theyre dynamic means so much to me and I will love them until i shall leave this earth.

Anon, im not even gonna waste my time and defend their development because i think it sucked too xD but if you wanna know why i love them so so so soooo much, Id be more than willing to tell you :33

Sasuke and Sakura on the other hand eeeehhhh i can see why people like them. Sasuke's hot, he's your typical hot bad boy aad Sakura's hot and pretty too. Basic blue and pink trope. Aside from their canon interactions, fans have all the opportunity to play around with their dynamic but for me, its just sooo basic and so hetero and can easily appeal to any 16 yr old teenage girl, no wonder it has an active fanbase on twt and---- AM I MAKING ANY SENSE? AHDBAJJE LIKE ITS SO-- BASIC, your usual bad boy x pretty girl trope that you get to read in YA and coming of age novels. Not only that, but going back to canon, they have too many negative interactions for me to like them together :p The least Sakura can do is put down her own foot and yell at him for not contacting them for god knows how long. I also dont like how he always gets easily forgiven >=[[. I mean at least He's compensating as a dad good for him but ehhhh i still dont like him and Sakura together :v And im not falling for that "Sakura is the reason why Sasuke isnt lonely anymore" because thats NARUTO AHHH. Sasuke said that Multiple times. HE LIGHTS A FIRE INSIDE OF ME. HES MY SUN. MY ONE AND ONLY FRIEND. LIEK?? THATS NARUTOOO romantic or not, Naruto was the reason for his not so lonely existence anymore smh >=[[

Sasuke almost murdered her and Naruto and made their lives a living hell but hey its all good!! He's my best friend and Sakura loves him!! So set him freeee into the worldddd~~

Sasuke left his family without even simply contacting them but can easily contact Naruto through a hawk but hey thats fine! His and Sakura's feelings are connected afterall! Sasuke gave her a ring and said thank you! Who cares about leaving your family. She loves him and he loves her so yey!!! All is forgiven :D

DID I MENTION SASUKE ALMOST MUREDERED HIS OWN DAUGHTER AND HE WASNT CALLED OUT FOR THAT@*#&@??!?#,*@#,#

Sasuke gets too many life points this isnt fair >=[[ But tbh he's nerfed so bad in Boruto manga and anime power wise. Like in that time travel arc and the manga. The rinnegan kunai thing was still so funny to me even if it was Borushiki. I just idk its so funny to me lmaoo

OKAY WHAT ELSE. I dont even know any more. Im tired of complaining about Naruto and just when Ive finally gone a little bit away from Naruto, Hinata fucking pulls me in again 😩 she has me on chokehold pls send help. Watch castlevania!!! and one piece!!!! ten times better than this anime about a loud blonde boi who wants to be president. Trust me

overall, i dont fully agree but i lowkey agree i guess. I do respect your opinion tho :))

EXCEPT WHEN YOU CALLED TONERI CRINGE. HOW DARE YOU CALL THAT SEXY MF CRINGEY---

[feminist-propaganda]

Single Mothers Will Probably Cry During Every Episode Of  Queen’s Gambit - Episode 1

I’ll start this long piece with a quote by Toni Morrisson. She once said : “If there's a book that you want to read, but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it.”

After watching Queen’s Gambit yesterday I rushed to the Internet to see if someone had written all of the things I am about to write, all of the symbols I saw in the miniseries, all of the dog whistles, the references.  I found articles about chess. About how the community had adopted the film, about which grandmasters the characters were based off of, about chess moves and theories, about production and the unexpected success of the series.

According to me, this is quite mediocre commentary. I eventually clicked on the New Yorker article that seemed to be a tiny bit smarter. After a couple of paragraphs I realized that the male writer was only going to rant about how the actress is “too pretty” to be Beth Harmon, and this seems to upset him. A lot.

But no one talked about Beth’s mother. Or the name of the series. Or the embroidery. The chess board. The tranquilizers. The math. The flashbacks. The exchange of queens. The sacrifice of the queen. Did no one see it? Or is it again one of those things; where the world is so obsessed with single mothers and representing them as huge, massive, quite literal train wrecks, but no one actually wants to look at them in the eye, talk to them, help them?

Let me tell you, as a single mother, this miniseries had me in tears the whole time. It’s really difficult to watch. It’s downright triggering.

Single mothers like to keep their silence. That’s because we know the world doesn’t like it when we start talking. It hurts. A lot. So instead, the world likes to make memes about how single moms are whores, how they are drunks or over worked. How they’re psychotic. How they ramble. They don’t make any sense. Bipolar. Crazy. How their children stare at the television all day, the way they microwave bad food. We laugh at them, and use them as comical relief in our ... what exactly? Cultural objects. Then we move on. We send a message to single mothers when we do this, and the message is important. You suck. Shut Up. Don’t exist. It’s your fault. 

We make an entire mini series about a single mother who killed herself to save her kid, we put on the television images that hurt and harm single mothers and then the public responds with nothing. They don’t even bat an eyelash. Miss the point entirely. Great series about chess! Except it’s not about chess. Not at all. It’s about raising children alone, when the world hates you. It’s about a trailer. In the middle of nowhere. A strong willed woman who was a mathematician in the 1940s. Who taught her daughter everything she could. Realized she couldn’t do more. And made the ultimate sacrifice, the queen’s gambit. The riskiest, most reckless, bravest move of all.

So let me tell you about what it’s like to watch Queen’s Gambit when you’re a single mother. So that somewhere in the AI, it’s written. So that when our great grand children will try to understand our times, they’ll read it.

I’ll write an essay for each episode. And in each essay I will review the important lession that Alice passed on to young Beth, and how this takes her to Moscow, where she can live a much more fulfilling life than in the U.S.A.

Lesson 1 : Find A Two Dimensional Algebric Plane. Study It. Control It.

I recently learned from instagram user @itllbeokbaby and Amsterdam based artist and weaver Liza Prins that the words textile and text have the same origin as the word texture. 

Text derives from the Latin textus (a tissue), which is in turn derived from texere (to weave). It belongs to a field of associated linguistic values that includes weaving, that which is woven, spinning, and that which is spun, indeed even web and webbing. Textus entered European vernaculars through Old French, where it appears as texte and where it assumes its important relation with tissu (a tissue or fabric) and tisser (to weave).

Women have been weaving, beading, sowing and stitching since the dawn of times. We also know that women used this technology not just to create clothes, tents or shoes. They used it as a container of information. As cultural DNA. 

In South America, in places where writing as we know of it was never created, women would bead important tribal information into skirts. They would then use the skirts as a database of the tribe. To track births, deaths, epidemics, droughts and other important group defining events.

In modern times, women still use embroidery as a means of expression. My memories from childhood contain strong images of my aunts and grandmothers, sewing my name and date of birth onto pillow cases, bathrobes and bedcovers. They would do this by the pool, at the bottom of the ski slopes, on the beach or in the train. They would engage into conversation as they embroidered; as this activity required some concentration, but not their full attention. It was their way of being present; but also transcending into the past and projecting into the future. They sewed our lives into the cloth.

I once heard my grandmother counting the holes in the cloth she was decorating with her beautiful colours. I asked what she was doing. She said that to build the letters on the cloth, you needed to count the squares. Two to the top, four to the right, ten to the middle, etc etc. I was quite mesmerized. I was maybe eight at the time, the same age as Beth when she loses her mother. I had started learning some math in school but somehow the math in school seemed to be presented to me as the epitome of something quite different than this excruciatingly feminine passtime. 

Math was presented to me as masculine, out of reach to us girls. And now I was disovering that these women in my family were geometry experts, fluent in linear algebra, and that at a higher level, they were database account managers.

In the first episode of the miniseries, in the first couple of minutes; we discover two Beths. The first Beth is in Paris, the beautiful, the chic; the glamourous Paris. Paris will always be the undisputed capital of Fashion. 

Paris is the undisputed capital of fashion not because it is the home of polluting massive textile industries like the ones in Pakistan or Zara’s empire in Spain. Paris is the capital of fashion because it is the capital of Haute Couture. And Haute Couture is custom made, sowed by hand, piece by piece, bead by bead, sequin per sequin. It is delicate. It is slow. It is sacred. It is what my aunt’s did. 

It is the opposite of industrial, the opposite of a sewing machine, the opposite of an engine. The opposite of yield failures, punching in and punching out. It is lace. Delicate, personal, eternal.

The second Beth we see is the eight year old Beth, that has just lost her mother. She stands on a bridge. Two cars have crashed into one another. And she stares on at the police officers. One says “Not a scratch on her. It’s a miracle”. The other says “I doubt she’ll see it like that”. 

My theory is that the miniseries explain how Beth eventually begins to “see it like that”. 

The first time we see 8 year old Beth she is wearing a dress, with her name embroidered on it. It reads Beth, in pink. Feminine. Purple flowers surround it. The embroidery is delicate. It’s on her heart. 

We follow eight year old Beth as she gets sent to an orphanage. In the first couple of scenes at the orphanage, we think, for a minute, that maybe Beth will be okay here. The head mistress smiles, has nice hair. Shows her around. Yes, the bed is by the lavatory, but at least she has a bed, a roof over her head.

We only start despising this new mother figure when she takes Beth to choose new clothes. Beth takes off her dress, and stares at her name, written on the front. The headmistress selects a white shirt and grey dress for Beth. She hands to her these new items, symbol of her new life, of her integration within the orphanage and later mainstream society. The headmistress then grabs the dress with the name embroidered and looks at it with disgust. Then, she says “I think we’ll burn this one” and disapears.

Beth then understands that she is no longer allowed to love her mother. That to fit in this school, this orphanage, to survive, she must let go of the embroidery and all of the things she associates with her mother. Her mother, in the words of the teacher was a “victim” of “a carefree life”. A free spirited whore, a lesbian, a witch. There’s a lot of words we liek to use to describe women who don’t conform. And Beth’s mother, as we learn, never conformed.

At night, Beth sees her mother’s eyes, she hears the last words her mother uttered before dying in the car crash. “Close your eyes”. She said it with tears in her eyes and an air of great determination. She knew what she was doing, which is something Beth doesn’t want to tell anyone. Not even her new friend Jolene. Beth’s secret is her mother wasn’t crazy. She wasn’t crazy at all.

Then, Beth discovers the board. One day, she gets sent to the basement and sees the janitor playing chess. Later in the miniseries, Beth tells the journalist from Life it was the board that attracted her. Not the pieces.

As the first episode unfolds, Beth learns that the squares have names. She learns the names. And at night when she looks up at the ceiling she sees the board. She visualizes the pieces moving on the 64 squares. She moves them in her mind and imagines all of the alternatives. What the board would look like if she moved this piece to that square. What would her opponent do then? 

To the journalist of the Life magazine, Beth says that the Chess board was a universe of 64 squares, and that she could control this space. All she had to do was study it.

The board is much like the cloth that Beth’s mother Alice would sew information onto when she was a young child. You count the squares and move your material through it. As you go, you make shapes, patterns, motifs. Beth looks up at the ceiling at night and the first night, without the tranquilizers, she sees her mother say “Close your eyes” which is too painful or such a young child. A young child doesn’t understand yet why a mother would say “Close your eyes” and then crash on purpose into a truck. A young child doesn’t know about the world yet.

Alice aknowledged that she was about to do something extremely risky, that the outcome was uncertain. Alice told Beth that she was going to purposely provoke the car crash. 

But when Beth takes the tranquilizers at night, and now that she knows about chess, she can transfer her love for her mother into her growing obsession with Chess. She looks up at the ceiling and instead of seeing Alice’s last thoughts, she sees the Chess board. Which is the small piece of universe that Alice controlled, when she was alive. The cloth that she sewed her daughter’s name on: “So that you’ll always remember who you are”.