#let them process their traumas and enjoy their childhood and be silly together

[nothingbizzare]

Little break

[bengiyo]

She Loves to Cook, and She Loves to Eat 2 Eps 5-8 Stray Thoughts

Last week, we returned to my favorite ladies. They realized they were spending too much on their hangouts, so made the silly decision to just stop hanging out. That broke fairly quickly at least and they just started having more cost-effective meals together. Nomoto got a full time position along with her work bestie, and they're thriving. Nomoto watched her first lesbian film, and has made an internet friend. Kasuga noticed their new neighbor, and so they have begun the process of befriending her.

Episode 5

Very glad both of my favorite food shows with LGBT couples are wading directly into the importance of marriage equality.

Fuck yes we're getting back to the cabbage rolls!

YES!! A WATCH PARTY!!! Invite Kasuga!!

Kasuga is so careful with Nagumo. I'm not sure I'm reading exactly how determined each of them is being about being polite as Kasuga tries to be helpful.

Oh, Nagumo, I hope you find a way to be comfortable eating with them eventually.

Now, Nomoto, you were so close to telling her. Come on!

These cabbage rolls look good. I hadn't thought about putting them in a soup.

Yes, stay focused on Nagumo! We must befriend her!

Episode 6

I like introducing a character who struggles with eating with others into this show. I'm relieved it's only about eating in front of strangers.

That was an incredible eye roll from Kasuga to the message from her aunt.

Kasuga overhearing older women unpack their disdain for the caregiver expectation placed on them them is a good choice.

An asexual lesbian who wants to watch her stories with others. She is one of us. This is the gay sex and celibacy website z after all.

I like Yaku! She was warm to Nomoto, asked a good question about snacks. Admitted she doesn't like cooking in a way that doesn't make Nomoto's hobby seem bad. Then they enjoyed a film together.

Yaku is great. She's letting Nomoto lead here, and giving her encouragement to continue sharing.

Come through, Yaku! There is room for all types of lesbians! Quiet gays who maybe don't want to have a ton of sex can sit with us too!

"Are we in a drama?" Yes, Yaku, and you are the cool, self-actualized queer.

I'm glad Nomoto can share! This will definitely help her get out of her own head.

Episode 7

Oh, is her name Yako? I will start using that spelling.

Sayama, thank you for trying to help your friend confess to her crush, but she is determined for this to be a slow burn show.

Kasuga backs in to park She's better than all of us.

This conversation is ugly. The dad doesn't think he or the eldest son should do anything to help with elder care, but Kasuga should give up her entire life to take care of people who disrespect her. I can see why she's avoided them for this long.

I'm glad we already knew that Kasuga was not given enough to eat in the first season, so this is all reaffirming it and letting us examine the long term impacts.

They're all sharing on the balcony!

They're making donuts together!!!

Nagumo seems like she had a good time, and they're encouraging her to eat some on her own.

Childhood trauma episode, I see.

Nomoto and Kasuga have so much grace for Nagumo. They let her share about herself, asked her how they can best support her, and Nomoto even encouraged Kasuga to take some donuts home so Nagumo isn't the only one leaving with food.

Episode 8

SAYAMA GETS DONUTS TOO! I love this show!!!

Wow, this conversation between Kasuga and Ms. Fujita hit me. The seriousness with which she stressed to Kasuga not to give up her life for her parents landed so hard. This is complicated for me, because I've accepted that my role as the oldest will be that of caregiver in the future.

They turned her room into a storage space and still just expect her to clean it up. I'm glad she put her foot down here. I do believe in giving back the love and care we've received to our parents when they get older, but you are giving back what was given to you. Kasuga is right to not want to spend her adulthood as a household servant to an ungrateful man and his mother.

Wow, this Chosen Family scene took me right the fuck out.

Nomoto is correct. I will also not forgive Kasuga's father for making her feel like this.

She almost said it! We're getting close!

I'm so glad we're expanding the cast this season to deal with more issues affecting Japanese women. I really like that they spent two episodes on Kasuga deciding that the family she's building here is more important to her than the family that mistreated her. I'm so happy that Nomoto has another lesbian friend to talk to. I'm so relieved that Nagumo is opening up to them and starting to share in the warmth our ladies have offered her. I will be thinking about that donut scene for a while. I'm so happy that we have so much more time with them this season.

[captainrexforever]

His Queen

Rating: T

Word Count: ~3k

Summary: You’re a little hesitant about wearing makeup due to a past experience. Din has no problem changing your mind.

Warnings: childhood trauma??, little bit of angst, fluff, steamy makeout

Note: After the amazing response I received on my last fic I decided to write another one. After all, these ideas are still going to be swirling around my head even if I don’t put them in writing. I hope you enjoy!

Sidenote: Imagine him looking at you like this *swoon*

“Are you sure we don’t have any additional rations in the crates?”

“No, the kid snuck into the stash last night. I didn’t notice until after he polished off the last of the rations.”

Din just sighs.

“I can make the trip to the market while you finish the repairs.”

“No, I’ll go, I don’t want you to deal with all the bantha shit that goes on at these markets.”

For some reason-don’t ask why-it’s incredibly attractive to hear him curse. 

It’s touching to hear the protective note in his voice, but you feel that you are well enough equipped to handle yourself. As a teenager, you had been taught the essentials of self defense by a family friend.  

“It’s alright. I’ll have my comm with me and it won’t take long if I just place an order for delivery of the rations.”

“Alright, if you insist. Be careful.”

“I will.”

He stands from his kneeling position on the floor, where he had been checking the netting beneath the bench for any additional ration packets. You prepare to leave, patting down your pockets to make sure you have your credits, your blaster, and your comm before you set off. When you look up again, he’s standing in front of you, a tilt of his helmet betraying his inner thought process. A smile tugs at your lips.

“Looking for a goodbye kiss?”

He sighs again, and you’re certain he’s rolling his eyes beneath the helmet.

“Ner verd’ika, you are a tease.”

You giggle before raising your hands to the sides of his helmet, eyes fluttering closed as you tilt it upwards. With an accuracy born from hours of practice you lean forward, raising on your toes to press a quick kiss to his lips before allowing the beskar to fall back into place. He lets out a disgruntled huff, his hands falling to your hips and tugging you against his torso so that he can rest his forehead against yours.

“Be careful.” He repeats.

“Always.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It’s surprising how many people can squeeze into the small marketplace, vendors and townsfolk chattering away as they bargain for an agreeable price. Animals bellow in the distance, adding to the noisy buzz that fills the crowded streets. 

You find yourself enjoying the bustling atmosphere, welcoming the stark juxtaposition to the quiet serenity of the Razor Crest. Before you can become too distracted, you steer your feet towards the largest area of the forum where several shops display food and beverages. 

After placing an order of rations and directing the shop owner to deliver the crates to the spaceport, you find there are a few spare moments to wander around the market before returning to the ship and tending to the delivery.

After traveling with Din for some time now, it has come to your attention that each planet you visit boasts a unique variety of wares. The citizens of this particular planet seem to possess a fascination with water-colored mugs and delicate embroidery. Not that you are complaining, everything that greets your eyes is absolutely gorgeous.

Upon rounding the next corner though, you stop dead in your tracks. Before you stands what is obviously a cosmetics shop. Holoimages are projected against the walls of the stand, each image featuring breathtaking models who-to your immense surprise-don't have you feeling even a dash of envy. What has you so enamored is the crowd of young women that peruse the shop. They are obviously a group of friends, but what shocks you the most is the presence of their mothers. Each parent is eagerly pointing out cosmetic items and encouraging the younger women to apply the samples that are provided. Bitter tears bite at the surface of your eyes, and you blink furiously in an effort to keep them contained.

As a young woman you had constantly been dissuaded from wearing makeup, told that it wasn’t appropriate at your age. You feel pathetic, chastising yourself and turning around with the intention of returning to the ship. But you don’t get very far, a feminine voice floating past your ears.

“Miss, Miss? Would you like to join us?”

Not wanting to expose your current state of turmoil, you scrub frantically at your tear-stained face, hoping to avoid further humiliation. When you feel presentable, you turn slowly, coming face-to-face with a girl that stands even shorter than you. Practically an impossible occurrence at your height, Mando would have teased you if he was here.

“I couldn’t help but notice that you were by yourself, and well, on our planet it’s tradition for women to join together and add to their makeup collection on this particular day. It’s like the New Years of cosmetics.” Her eyes are shining, and she seems so genuine that you feel silly for your earlier judgement. “Although I am almost certain you are just visiting, my friends and I would be honored if you would join us.” Almost as if on cue, her friends rush up behind her, pleading with you to stay for just a little bit.

“Well, I…” Din will be expecting you back soon, and you don’t want to worry him.

“Pleeeaaaase!” They all beg, drawing out the word as they stare at you.

“Alright, just for a few minutes.” He won’t mind, you think to yourself. He and the kid can catch up while you are gone anyways, they haven’t been able to spend much time together lately.

The girls’ smiles are blinding and the first one grabs your hand, pulling you along as they all return to the stand to continue shopping. “I’m Tasha, by the way.” She beams. You smile back, sharing your name as well.

“What will you purchase?” Another girl questions.

“Oh, actually I don’t wear makeup.”

“You don’t?” They looked like you just told them Life day was made up.

“No, I....I never learned how to apply it.” That was close enough to the truth.

“Don’t worry, we’ll show you how!” Then Tasha is beckoning her mother over and soon they are exchanging ideas so quickly that you lose track, only picking up on fragments such as “transition”, and “complementary shade”.

“Could you please sit for a moment?” Tasha’s mother inquires, gesturing to a chair that rests next to the booth.

You’re a little hesitant, the assortment of items that they are both clutching in their hands has you yearning to turn your back and run.

Take a deep breath, it’s just a little bit of makeup, it’s not going to kill you.

After your flight instinct recedes a little, you move to sit in front of the older woman, trying not to flinch as she gently dabs several types of cream-like products on your face. She tuts here and there, discarding some of the products that she is holding as she works through all of the samples. Eventually, she finishes, holding out a wipe as she gestures for you to wipe your face. Once that is accomplished, she’s attacking the various assortment of products that Tasha is still holding. You idly wonder if it’s sanitary to be layering so many products over the sensitive skin of your face, but assume that it is probably alright if this is a common practice for most women.

What feels like hours later, after your face has been contorted into every position imaginable, your eyes weighed down by what seems to be a boat anchor attached to your eyelashes, Tasha and her mother proudly declare that you are ‘finished’-whatever that means. Then Tasha is holding out a bag of products for you to take. You eagerly accept the bag, feeling quite mature all of a sudden, and swagger over to the counter to pay the clerk. To your immense shock, Tasha’s own mother is sitting behind the register, and when you approach she insists that the items are ‘on the house’, refusing to accept any form of payment.

With a blush, you suddenly realize you have no idea how to apply any of the products yourself, but before you can even open your mouth, the older woman is sliding a piece of flimsy towards you. A detailed assembly of holoimages decorates the flimsy, demonstrations and instructions outlining the correct application technique for each product. There are tears welling in your eyes again, but you blink them back and circle the table to engulf the woman in a heartfelt embrace. She accepts the action with an affection you can only describe as motherly, patting your back gently until you pull away, then fixing you with a radiant smile.

Suddenly your heart drops into your throat, and your own smile fails. You can’t return to the ship looking like this! Din will be appalled that you delayed your departure from the spaceport to indulge in a personal shopping trip. Tasha’s mother frowns, watching as you suddenly turn frantic, scanning the nearby vicinity like a child who has been caught stealing a dessert cube. You reach for the packet of makeup wipes that sits upon the table, hastily rushing to explain the thoughts running through your head.

“This makeup is lovely, but I can’t return to my…” kriff, what should you call him...“friend looking like this.”

“And why not?” You are taken aback a little at the tone of your voice. She’s not angry, though there are hints of disapproval and surprise laced into her words.

You stammer for a response. “He...I…” Your brain sputters as you try to conjure the right words.

“Oh, I see. He’s that kind of friend. Well, if he doesn’t like the way you look, then you seem like the type of person who will have no trouble putting him back into his place.”

She continues speaking even as your jaw falls open.

“However, I heavily suspect that won’t be necessary.” The knowing grin that spreads across her face is like that of a loth-cat that just caught a canary.

“....” You can’t manage to utter a single word, trying to force down the blush that is rising to your cheeks.

“Here, take a look into this mirror.”

Woah, is that your face? Whatever had been applied to your eyes had caused the color to pop, drawing attention to your now piercing gaze. Every feature appeared to be enhanced, and you couldn’t help but note that your jawline seemed capable of cutting through duraplast, like a vibroblade through bantha butter on a hot Tatooine day.

“I look...wow.”

The older woman chuckles gently. “You look amazing dear. Embracing your natural beauty is important, but you shouldn’t be afraid of enhancing it either. No matter what, your inner beauty always speaks louder than any outer appearance ever will. Now go catch that man of yours. I’m sure he will agree with me too.” She ends with a pointed wink.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Shadows stream past you as you jog back to the Razor Crest, hoping you are not too late to meet the merchant who is delivering the order of rations. Of course your luck is worse than you expected, and not only is there no merchant in sight, but it seems that Din has already finished the repairs. Kriff. Well, you’ll just have to return to the shop and apologize to the owner before pleading for another delivery opportunity. Then, after you settle that, you will need to prepare an explanation for Din. 

Kriffing hell.

 How do you always manage to get yourself into these situations?

“And here you had me thinking that you might have finally ditched me.” Din startles you, but there is a teasing lilt to his voice.

How is he still in a good mood? Wait, where is he?

“Up here.” He’s chuckling now too, probably at your apparent confusion, the bastard.

You look up and place your hands on your hips in disbelief of what you’re seeing. A shake of your head does nothing to help you understand what exactly is going on. At the moment, Din is flying figure eights in the air using his jetpack, the kid tucked securely in his arms while he squeals in delight. You shake your head again, looking down at the ground as a rush of affection floods your chest. The damned Mandalorian can be such a romantic without even realizing it. 

As of late, it has been difficult for either of you to discreetly purchase jetpack fuel at a decent price. Yet, here he is taking the kid for a ride, probably because he looked into those big brown eyes and couldn’t resist indulging the kid in a quick flight.

Their maneuvers continue for a few more minutes, and you wonder if you should head back to the market while Din and the kid are still occupied. Abruptly, you decide to take a seat inside the Crest for just a moment before jogging back to the store. It’s not until you scale the ramp that you notice the newly delivered crates resting inside the storage netting.

“The delivery arrived before you did, so I made sure that it was unloaded onto the right ship.” If you weren’t so relieved you might scold him for scaring you like that. Then again, he probably enjoys sneaking up on you. You scowl goodnaturedly, he’s lucky you lov--. Oh no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no.

No, no.

No.

He’s lucky you love the kid. That’s right, that’s what you meant to say.

Whew.

You move to rub your forehead, then realize that you’re still wearing what feels like fifteen layers of bantha paste and an entire canister of glitter on your face. Uh-oh. Has Din seen your face yet? You don’t think so. Your back is still facing him, but at any second he’s bound to step in front of you and notice that you’re all decked-out in makeup. 

Despite the kind words from the woman back at the market, you feel yourself begin to panic. What if he thinks you look silly, or worse what if it changes his perception of you? 

His footsteps advance forwards and you hold your breath, only for him to continue towards the kid’s hammock. It’s then that you realize the kid has fallen asleep in his buir’s arms, obviously worn out after his latest adventure. Din is exceedingly gentle as he sets him into his hammock, rocking the child for a few seconds to ensure he remains fully asleep.

As you bask in the sight of a soft, caring Din you don’t realize he’s turning around until it’s too late. He lets out a punched out sound once he is face-to-helmet with you, and although you are never sure where his visor is pointing, you know without a doubt that it is currently directed at your face. 

Neither of you move, gaze fixed firmly on the other for several minutes as a lingering tension brushes at your spine. Before you can explain yourself the lights flicker and plunge the hull into darkness, gloved hands and a beskar covered chest suddenly slamming into you, pinning you against the nearest wall so quickly that your back aches a little from the force of the impact.

“Kriffing hell.” He manages.

Oh, you definitely shouldn’t find that as attractive as you do.

“Is this what you were doing all afternoon?” His words are followed by a resonating clang, and you find yourself begging whatever deity is above that he is about to kiss you senseless. Sadly, he seems too interested in pressing a kiss to your neck while he whispers shamelessly into your ear. It’s a close second though, and you're definitely not complaining, especially when the position allows you to drop a hand down to squeeze his perfectly sculpted ass.

He lets out a growl at your feistiness, sucking at your neck in a manner that is sure to leave a visible hickey. “Maybe I should send you to the marketplace more often if this is how you’ll return.”

You let out a pleased mewl at that, proud that you are able to elicit such a passionate response from your usually stoic companion. “Sounds...sounds good to me.” Your reply is breathy, and there is no way that your lungs are supplying sufficient oxygen to your brain right now. It doesn’t help that Din has decided to wrap one of your thighs around his waist, your body erupting into flames at the suggestive positioning.

“Look so good.” It’s muttered between butterfly kisses, his lips charting the skin of your neck like it’s a flight path. “So pretty.” Another scorching kiss on your neck. “My sweet girl.” It’s half spoken-half growled against your throat.

A moan is ripped from your throat at that last sentence, and your free hand is scrabbling for purchase in his hair, using your touch to coax his lips to meet your own neglected ones. This man is going to be the death of you, you’re sure of it. He’s mewling into your mouth, half-chuckling because he knows how much you appreciate that specific action, then he’s pressing his tongue in as well, sliding it across yours as he dares you into a battle of dominance. You can’t help but indulge him, fingers tightening in his curls as you allow yourself to be a little more aggressive, pushing into his mouth as you lead him on a merry chase. Even in the most intimate of acts, Din is ever the hunter and he takes control in a record amount of time, knotting his hand in your hair so that he can position your head in whatever manner he desires. The whole act is absolutely delicious and your toe curls as you wedge yourself even closer to his armor-clad chest.

“I sure hope you have more of that stuff.” He mumbles against your lips when you both separate for a breath.

“Huh?” You finally manage after gasping down a breath.

“It makes you look like a queen.” He elaborates.

There’s no point in arguing with him, especially when his mouth returns to yours to shut down any rebuttal you might have.

It’s safe to say that any of your hesitations towards wearing makeup were cleared up after that particular incident, and you learned a couple valuable lessons that day. The most important being to buy extra makeup wipes for the Mandalorian himself. Let’s just say Din was an...enthusiastic kisser.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ner verd’ika: my little warrior

Buir: (mother or father), in this case it pertains to ‘father’

Life day: the equivalent of Christmas in the star wars universe

[tarithenurse]

Nightingale - 47

Fandom: Naruto Pairing: Hatake Kakashi &/x Fem!OC Contents: One big mix of smut, fluff, angst, unrealistic handling of PTSD, past trauma, feels, and much more...like lack of proofing, probably. Can’t remember. A/N: Blame @maladaptive-ninja-returns​ for any pain and frustration (of any kind) this chapter might cause. ASK or REBLOG for tag! HUUUGE thanks to all who are reblogging already <3

Ch. 47

“Are you sure, you want to do this?”

“…yes.”

“That didn’t sound convincing.”

“Would you just shut up and let me go?”

“...now that’s more like it.”

Kakashi can barely see the eye roll under the shaggy hair and wide-rimmed hat, but he knows it’s there. He knows all of her is under there. Somewhere. There’s a beard in the way too, and a several worn layers of baggy clothes in neutral colours that do absolutely nothing to call for attention.

The thing about disguises worn in public is not as much to look different as it is to not be worth looking at – plain and boring without any details that can be remembered later so that if any civilian does try to describe what they saw, it’ll be too generic to be useful.

“Asuma keeps saying this kid is good,” Uguïsu straightens her back for one last time before stepping out of the borrowed office, “let’s see how good,” as she speaks the last bit, her voice warps into that of an old man reminiscent of the Hokage though without being a perfect echo, “now lead the way, boy.”

Hrm…maybe she’s enjoying this too much. Still, Kakashi obliges and leads what appears to be an old man out of the front door of their home and towards downtown Konoha.

It’s busier than usual. Although summer always brings a plethora of travellers and farmers to town (which in turn attracts merchants busy to strike a deal or in search of added muscle for the trip back), the upcoming events seem to have contributed the most to the swarming people. Knowing of his girlfriend’s predicament, the jōnin finds it hard to part ways with her and carry on alone. She’s resourceful and talented, he admonishes himself, but still worries if perhaps it was a mistake to have let Asuma ask her for help. Either way, it’s too late to go back now and he must attend to his own tasks if Team 7 is going to take the exams.

…

The fish sizzles decadently on the pan, yellow butter popping as herbs and spring onions change colour from the mat tones to more vibrant and inviting. The rice is already done and shaped (holding the heat under overturned bowls), and the soup is only waiting to be served.

Come on.

As if on cue, the door slides open and a figure steps in mid-metamorphosis: a short, scruffy beard is clutched together with thin gloves; blue strand spill out from under the hat and wig that are slipping askew.

“That was fun,” Uguïsu beams and shuts the door, “and it smells delicious here!”

Headbutting the hat further towards her back, Kakashi kisses her with a smile. “Good to hear. I’m told it went well?”

There’s a sigh from within the layers of clothes that the woman is discarding, “why do you make it sound like a question when you probably already know all the details?”

“Because I’d much rather hear you talk about it, sweetie.”

“Hrm.” Despite the distrustful grunt, it’s a happy face that greet him once she’s back to her normal appearance. “Not before I get something of whatever smells so delicious.”

Kakashi had fairly quickly figured out that his blue nightingale wasn’t a cook – not that she’s bad, but she simply doesn’t have a great interest in it – and had grasped the opportunity to take the so-called task upon himself in exchange for her delightful praises. He liked cooking for some one other than himself; enjoyed knowing that in this way, at least, he could take care of her.

…

“I’m glad they did well,” Uguïsu sighs as she adjust her pillow.

Together, the couple had cleaned after dinner, exchanging stories and gossip from the day interspersed with comfortable silences, and they are now getting ready to get a night’s good rest.

First in bed, the woman waits (im)patiently for the white-haired man and even goes as far as to make grabby hands the moment he returns from brushing his teeth.

“Silly-head,” he whispers through the kisses against her cheek before pulling the mask back in place.

“Says you.”

And he does indeed feel silly when scooting closer. Taking up the usual place by his left side, Uguïsu’s head comes to rest above his heart, her leg casually draped over his, and the left hand idly toying with the string of his pyjama pants. Wrapping his own arm around her, Kakashi feels bare skin wherever his fingertips wander.

Time has passed since the night in the cave, time where Uguïsu timidly has begun to explore each of their bodies out of her own free will. Sometimes, she has let Kakashi’s hands or tongue bring her to the peak of delight and each time, he has marvelled at her as she writhed in silent ecstasy. Those occasions have been far in between.

“Sweetheart…” his voice is weak at the revelation, “are you...do you want me to…?”

The big eyes almost look innocent. “Don’t you think it would be nice to be able to feel each other?”

Yes, I do! With the voice now completely gone, all he can do is nod which his girlfriend takes as a sign that she may begin working the clothes off him although the process is hampered by increasingly needy kisses.

Skin to skin, Kakashi revels in the intimacy his blue nightingale grants him and he can feel the smile that grants his tongue further access; can sense how their bodies shift as if they could melt together. All of his senses are taken over by cotton and sweet, sweet hunger for more as their hands roam in search of purchase.

“Considering how great a day you’ve had,” he hums against the woman’s neck, “a reward could be appropriate?”

Hearing no coherent words, he takes the tug of his hair and the happy mewl as a sign of agreement and follows between her legs as Uguïsu rolls onto her back.

Only a single lamp next to the bed illuminates the room, but for Kakashi's keen eyes, he can easily see the anticipation glistening between the folds, making his mouth water and cock throb...but he takes his time highlighting his favourite paths along her body and limbs with goosebumps before finally and ever so lightly flicking the clit with the tip of his tongue before committing fully to the goal.

He loves this part. What originally had been hesitation for the sake of helping Uguïsu feel safe in spite of her trauma has evolved into a gleeful delight in slowly teasing the woman by winding her up, balancing her on the edge of an orgasm again and again until she’s writhing and begging him.

Hushed moans and whimpers fill the room in waves in accordance to the jōnin's ministrations, and he is considering letting her reach the goal this time (the fourth) when Uguïsu’s fingers tug at his hair insistently until he has crawled close enough to find her mouth.

“Please...’Kashi...” she gasps, “m-more.”

She’s pulling him by the shoulders now and has wrapped her legs around his hips, nudging him gently with the heels until his cock head brushes against the slobbering mess of her pussy.

It would be a lie to claim that the baser instinct aren’t urging him to slide in without a question asked. But he can’t. Apprehension and concern keep him frozen as he scrutinizes the face beneath him for any sign of insecurity.

“Sweetheart...” he swallows hard, steeling himself against his girlfriends attempts to move his body, “please look at me.” Lashes flutter. Her nose wriggles adorably in an attempt, maybe, to help her focus. “I do not want to push you,” Kakashi intonates carefully.

Uguïsu is still out of breath and her chest is heaving, brushing her breasts again him. “You’re not.”

He gives in to the kiss, allowing her to relieve some of the tension of the moment and almost getting lost in the languid desperation before pulling back again. “I love you.” Another deep, but gentler kiss. “I’ll do anything you want.” This time he pulls away from her lips to catch her gaze. “But I need to know you’re sure.”

And there it is: the evasive eyes as she bites into her bottom lip and almost almost distracts him. However, next second Uguïsu fixes her full attention on him again. Then she twists, reaching under the matres to retrieve something in a flat foil-wrapper. She’s prepared for this step.

“I’m sure, ‘Kashi.” Her voice is strong even if it’s still a bit frazzled from the sounds of pleasure he had been drawing from her moments ago. “I want...it. Please, help me know that...that it can feel as good as my body is telling me when I’m with you...and d-don’t let...don’t let him keep that part...”

Going against every single law of nature, Kakashi's heart both breaks and swells, leaving a throbbing crater behind in his chest that overflows with admiration and fear.

Fear. Until this woman appeared from the shadows, fear had only existed in his life in the memories of his childhood – distant and unchangeable, and safe due to its static nature. But in less than a year, Uguïsu has managed to shake his understanding of...well, of everything. She has made him irrationally afraid; brought him a love so tender, he feels like drowning (without wanting to fight it); and has helped him come to an understanding he didn’t know he was lacking.

His hands tremble as he rolls on the condom before wrapping his arms around her. “If you change your mind”, his words are swallowed in the kiss, “you just stop, ‘kay?”

Already, Uguïsu is nudging for his hips to move but halts long enough to cup his face and promise him.

Her last word transcends into a squeak as Kakashi rolls them over, planting the woman he adores on top to ensure that she is the one to control the pace...and guarantee that she can retreat without hesitation if needed. A flash memory from a cave shielding them from a thunderstorm rears in the back of his mind but is immediately banish as she rolls her hips, dragging heat along the underside of his cock and making his eyes roll back.

“Oh?” He can hear her smile and fights to bring her face into focus.

Strong fingers are wringing the sheets beneath him in an attempt to prevent them from thrusting up. It’s a good thing too: extending the motion, her clit rubs the crown of his cock again, sending a new wave of fire through every muscle of him only to be countered by a weightless anticipation when Uguïsu lingers with the cock head by the entrance to her core.

And now she’s the one to tease him until he can’t hold back the stuttering of his hips and she lifts just a bit to position herself better above him and...

...and...? Kakashi looks up to see furrowed brows. “If you don’t -”

“I do,” she interrupts decisively before relapsing to worrying on the lip for a second. “It’s just...how...? I mean...it’s big a-and...I don’t know...if...” she trails off.

Reaching up to kiss her, the white-haired man can’t help but smile. “Take it slow. A bit at a time before pulling back a bit.” A last kiss before he lies down. “Do what feels right to you.”

Oh holy fucking shit! He manages to strangle the words with a groan as Uguïsu sinks down, enveloping the head before stopping with a gasp.

She looks so beautiful. He could compliment her in a million other ways but it’s carnal thoughts that win as Kakashi sees her back arch and breasts heave from the quivering moan that escapes. Her hair is spilling around the shoulders (well, entire upper body) as a silken veil, granting her an ethereal quality together with the sheen of sweat that shines golden in the lamp light.

For a moment she smiles down at him, hands reach for his, and only when their fingers are intertwined does she move again. Slowly up. Just as slowly down. Her mouth hangs open to allow small whimpers escape – sounds that grow when she reaches a certain spot that Kakashi has acquainted his fingers with before and never fails to have her eyes rolling. This time he can’t see that, as he face is scrunching up with concentration and the overwhelming sensation. And emotions. With a final sigh, she sinks down fully on his cock.

That’s when he sees it. The realization crashes like an ice-cold boulder into his guts and he doesn’t stop himself from sitting up to wrap her in his arms.

Tears are streaking Uguïsu’s face, adding salty water to the kisses he peppers her with while he frantically promises her they can stop, that she’s okay, that he never should have said yes, and much more...or he would have if she hadn’t stopped him.

“Happy tears, ‘Kashi, happy tears.” And she is indeed smiling so bright that her eyes almost disappear.

In awe, the more-than-confused man allows her to push him back, place his hands on her thighs, and guide her slow, bouncing motion into a rhythm that chases worries away.

Not yet not yet notyetnotyetnotohfuckinghellnotyet!

It becomes a mantra, played on loop in his brain as his body screams to chase release. His hips are nearly vibrating, lighting fizzling at the edge of his vision while he tries to contain the flood. And when the scalding heat tightens in rapid spasms, the gorgeous woman spilling a broken moan in spite of the rigid body? Let Orochimaru be gone forever, Kakashi manages to think and it grounds him enough to avoid toppling over the edge with his love.

Uguïsu is gasping for breath on her way back to the present, slumping onto the jōnin and enveloping him in her scent of cotton and fresh sweat. “I...had no...no idea...wow!” A moment passes where he strokes her back and kisses the top of her head, then she looks at him, “wait...did you...?”

“This is about you, love,” he smiles, but give me a few bounces and I could.

“And I thank you for that.” He knows she does. “And I want to feel that I can give myself over and that it’ll be good. Together with you,” Uguïsu concludes.

The meaning is clear: being in control is fine and safe but she wants to defeat the lingering fears in the ultimate trust exercise.

He should argue – Kakashi is already mentally preparing every argument – but is prevented from it when the woman rolls them 180 degrees and the movement makes her core squeeze him deliciously. The tightness. The motion. It diverts all of his blood to his groin and makes the hips roll so he’s pushing deeper than ever before and his mind blanks out for a split second until a whimper brings the horrible realization crashing down.

“Fuck!” His eyes snap open and the word slips out again, although with a different intonation, at the sight of Uguïsu’s blissed out facial expression.

Blinking, she looks up at him and he can see the exact instant she hatches a plan because a smirk blooms, twisting those pretty lips. “Please show me...teach me how delicious it is,” she purrs before short-circuiting his brain once more with “sensei.”

Slow drags through Uguïsu's heat fills the room with subtle squelching from where his cock is swallowed, their gasping breaths and moans (sometimes a hiss from Kakashi when nails dig into his back and drag red lines). He really does try to restrain himself...but it’s lost the moment the woman begins to chase a new high, meeting each thrust of her own volition and punctuating them with whimpers pulled from her chest.

Her chest...her breasts. Catching a nipple in the mouth, he barely registers the dark pattern right above it – and if he had, the only thought right night would be along the lines of: you’ve lost, snake – because the effect is astonishing. Arching, undulating, the wetness sucking his cock as deep as it can, Uguïsu cums beneath him and the white-haired man can’t hold back his own orgasm any longer but snaps his hips one last time as their lips meet.

It takes time before either of them can talk (let alone move) again, but that’s alright because words aren’t necessary any longer.

[bigsteeb]

this is gonna be a long post so bear with me, growing pains got a b i g emotional reaction out of me & I need to share my thoughts & feelings about it because jesus fucking christ.

ok first things first, someone hug this boy immediately. he’s sat in his room, still in his pajamas, in day time watching dog copter. this whole scene is just steven going “lol I’m sad, I’m gonna comfort eat & stay in my pajamas & watch a kids show I watched when I wasn’t as sad haha” & it’s not only upsetting, but relatable too fuck. his room is a mess along with him eating ice cream at what I assume is morning… making it his breakfast? geez steven. also idk if it’s just me here but in this shot he looks… bigger? like ignoring his body size shifting later on in the episode he looks a lot wider than he usually does when paul & drew board episodes to me, he’s rivalling etienne & maya’s steven’s wideness. did he… get chubbier from comfort eating? how much time has passed since together forever for him to put on weight if he has? this could literally just be steven slouching or his pajamas making him look bigger but as someone who is an advocate for the body positivity shown in su & suf it has me curious. I want to hug this soft, sad boy. It could also be due to how steven’s design fluctuates through the animation process, it’s never really on model all the time. 

the grunting noise he makes in this scene is very distressing, as are other moments from the episode too. a glimpse at the glow-bracelet he proposed to connie with is enough to physically pain him? fuck me man. is he leaving his room where there’s already ice cream… to get more ice cream? sobs. also the puns in this shot. I cant? slow burn?! you’re evil crewniverse. not to mention his body size changing throughout this scene, god this poor lad.

screams, this was when I started worrying. the boy is now in an environment he has never been in before & is feeling extremely uncomfortable & vulnerable. look at the lines under his eyes, his sad eyebrows & pout I hate it. also don’t even get me started on this part. the slight raise of a voice being enough to send him into panic?! fuck I hate how much I relate to that. 

here’s where I immediately broke, no god damn pun intended. seeing steven’s skeleton, steven’s fucking skull, like this pained me. that crack on his skull is from fucking jasper in jail break. I can’t express all of the visceral emotions that were going through my body at this. there was intense sadness for steven, extreme anger at jasper & the gems for allowing shit like this to happen to him. turns out he’s not as resilient as we thought he was. each hit he takes physically breaks him & then his gem instantly heals his wounds, my heart fucking broke at this. think back to everything that happened to him, everything that physically hurt him. it broke him I can’t deal with it! then there’s what priyanka says to steven next;

“you seem to of made a series of miraculous recoveries, but that doesn't change the fact that you experienced trauma. you’ve recovered physically but, have you recovered mentally?”

this part here along with her reassuring him that there’s nothing wrong with his brain, how childhood trauma can have an impact on how your body responds to stress & how you act in your social life, the usage of the word “cortisol” too. this stuff being in a children's tv show is incredible. the writing for priyanka describes trauma simply enough for kids to understand, but for adults to fully realise too. folks, steven has ptsd. there wasn't one bit of sugarcoating about it or nothing, this is canon fact & it hurts me. for so long have I wanted steven’s emotional issues to be alked about, to not only be brought to steven’s attention but to the audience’s too.

everything that has happened to him has built up to this moment. this moment where his behaviour & coping methods are finally making sense to a large majority of the fandom, & to steven himself. he’s hurting; physically, mentally & emotionally, & he isn’t coping well what so ever about it. his emotional support system is complete garbage, no one regularly checks in on him & folks just take steven at face value like “oh yea glowing pink? he’s fine it’s just steven” but he’s the bad person?! I hope a lot of you out there who genuinely believe steven is a bad person re-think yourselves after this. dealing with trauma is tough as shit. some days you even wonder if that one thing that fucked you up is really worth being labelled as trauma. I still can’t believe this is the route they’re taking, if he doesn’t get some form of therapy by the end of future I’ll be furious.

then things begin to spiral as he remembers what happened with connie. he clutches his chest in pain & begins changing size over intense amounts of stress & it was extremely distressing to watch. steven immediately reassures connie that this isn’t because of her, but because of everything else that happened to him. however. I believe that that’s a slight lie, he wouldn’t of spiralled if he hadn’t of remembered the proposal, steven you fucking himbo. he continues to reassure them both that he’s fine, just that he needs them to leave so he can calm himself enough to control himself.

then this happens.

“I. CAN’T. BE AROUND YOU RIGHT NOW!”

this was fucking intense. he means this literally in 2 ways btw. his body size shifting over the stress he’s feeling is a danger to both connie & priyanka in this moment, but it’s also because of how it started. being around connie hurts him. he’s not mad at her though let me make that very clear, just that thinking about what happened when he tired to propose to her is sending his head in a fritz. he did what he did full of confidence in together forever, for connie to then make him realise how silly he was being. these two are destined for each other, but that advice from ruby & sapphire has really fucked with him. he looks up to those 2, looks up to garnet, their relationship is so strong & stable. for them to give him that advice & to then scream “DO IT!” in his face is incredibly tasteless imo.

then greg gets here. I knew connie was calling for either greg or the gems when she was on her phone as she left the room, fuck yea connie I love you. the breathless, strained “thank you” from steven towards connie for calling his dad? g o d. connie telling him she’ll be there for him when he’s ready?! g o d. these next boards were done by rebecca, I knew immediately when I saw steven’s face. it makes sense that rebecca boarded these, because fuck. 

how do I move on from all of the stuff I’ve been through? how do I live life if it always feels like I’m about to die!?

I’m tearing up as I type this. when I first heard the leak of this audio I so badly wanted to believe it, but to also believe it was fake too. I was an emotional mess off & on for about 3 days over it because I couldn't stop thinking about how fucking distressing it was. like… shit steven. he seriously feels this. I can’t even begin to imagine the pain he felt just saying this in front of his fucking dad. he is hurting badly. this boy, this sweet sweet boy we’ve watched grow & develop into the person he is today is distraught about his future & life. it is… soul crushing to watch this. a group of friends of mine have found joking about the episode as a form of coping with the intensity of it & as much as that’s valid as fuck, any joke coming from this episode feels morally wrong to me. I can’t bring myself to join in it feels terrible even thinking about laughing at it to cope. I love them all, but I can’t bare myself to join them. this moment ending with greg comforting steven, telling him he’s here for him & all of his struggles, got me weeping. greg is possible the best father figure I’ve seen on tv, let alone a kids tv show. he’s amazing.

the final scene right here is lovely. greg making steven a hot chocolate & listening to him vent, reassuring him over his worry for his future. this right here is exactly what steven needs. someone to talk to, someone he could trust to talk about his feelings to. this the start of his support system, tag on peri from in dreams, bis in bismuth casual as well as connie from the past few episodes & it’s already looking great! even when greg eased him about being there for him steven still feels guilty about him leaving his tour, leaving his tour because he got a phone call from connie about his son being in need & steven feels guilty about it. fucking hell man. I did enjoy how the episode ended though, with that little moment between the both of them;

“just get some rest kiddo. you don’t have to solve all of your problems in one night.”

“yea. thanks dad.”

it’s a great message too, all of your struggles can’t be dealt with all at once. I’ve used a similar analogy before but it’s like removing a dead tree. you have to deal with all of the little things surround this issue first before you get to the deep, harder stuff. along side the message about trauma they’re both very important messages, I’m glad they exist in the show.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

one more thing before I end my thoughts & feelings over growing pains.

this ending shot;

as soon as I saw the frog mug my mind raced back to the promo for this scene, & this whole moment to come entirely. if you remember this moment has the first set of leaked audio within it, the audio of the gems basically cornering steven about him not opening up to them. christ pearl even gets mad at him for his gem building a wall behind him, protecting him from them. it’s common knowledge, I hope, that steven’s gem reacts to his emotional state. pearl herself has said this;

“I think your gem is reacting to your state of mind.”

his gem building this wall? it felt like steven was being threatened by them. this scene now has awful connotations with it. because since we now know what the pink mode is doing to steven, how actually painful it is, think back to these;

yea. fuck the gems. I’ll let it slide if steven, greg or priyanka haven’t told them about what happened at the hospital. but if they do know, if they know how much it hurts steven being in his pink mode & still press into him about it I’ll see red. with steven’s trauma & now ptsd being cemented into the show I fucking hope garnet, amethyst & pearl get held accountable for what they put on him as a kid. that shit will not slide with me if they don’t. do not condone what the gems put him through. do not condone the gems for making steven feel like he had to be his mum for them. just… don’t. please.

[hellstenglow]

Fiveya Meta: they need to talk

Endure me, I am on a fiveya-train and my thoughts don’t shut up.

After watching the most recent behind the scene videos of TUA season 2 we can conclude that they did make senseless choices in the plot because in some cases they had to. For example in the case of the snow storm created by Harlan in the final episode, that was added to the script because suddenly there have been a snow storm on the outside set the days before the scheduled filming and they couldn’t clean the place enough, in time for the recording. The snow was added.

I also think they could have written some of the characters better and given them real development (*cough* Luther, Ben *cough*). I wasn’t even a fan of the whole “Vanya lost her memory” thing, but I’ve read that Steve Blackman (the showrunner) doesn’t want to diverge from the original content too much (which is a bit silly to say since they did make major changes since season 1, but okay). I guess that’s why Vanya’s amnesia was still there, although they treated it differently. In the comics it was Mom-Grace who helped Vanya to find herself again and her own value, in the show it was Sissy who did it. I thought it was kind of a hint to the comics the fact Sissy resembled Show-Grace a bit (blond, kind and a mom). Did I think it was unnecessary to have a love interest for Vanya right after season 1? I did, but I justified the choice by thinking that the show wanted to give Vanya a taste of what real love (not like Leonard’s manipulative and abusive love) is supposed to be. I also thought it was a way to show how Vanya needs to stop clinging to the first person who gives her affection, attention and treats her with kindness. I hope she’d realize that and work on herself and family in season 3, first and foremost.

Even with the evident flaws I enjoyed season 2, especially because I decided to treat it as a passing by (detour/digression) chapter in a longer story. All Hargreeves siblings in the ‘60s tried hard to make a new life and ignored their actual life (Allison, Luther, Klaus) or had a convenient amnesia (Vanya) or focused on something too much to lose track of what matters (Diego). Everyone except Ben (who was not treated once again as a full character despite the apparent level up the PR promoted) and Five (who once again was running around in panic mode to stop an apocalypse). Remember Vanya saying, “New timeline, new me.” And Five replying “That’s NOT how it works.”? I may give the writers more credits than it is due, but I hope those two lines were some kind of meta messages for the more attentive viewers. Those two lines can explain perfectly season 2 to be honest.

Nobody can know how long a tv show would run, a fact that expose us to uncertainty. It’s always a gamble trusting writers and showrunners to deliver a good story, but all it’s fair game and one has only to accept it. I do not trust any of them, but I cannot help myself and still hope that they will not ruin everything. With all this said, let’s talk about something I think the show has to tackle in next seasons: Five and Vanya are two points of a theme that needs to be addressed and solved. They need to interact, talk and close their open theme together.

This is not a cohesive meta and I probably will lose myself in too many details, but I hope the message I am trying to convey will arrive. This is only my reading of the show and theories, so you can disagree. I just hope you’d find something interesting and maybe help someone to have a different perspective on what’s going on and where (I pray) the show will go. Here the points I will talk about, if you are in for a very verbose essay, please click on the “keep reading” button. Meanwhile I’ll wear my tinfoil crown and sip some margarita.

Five and Vanya are a theme

It was mean to be Ben

Why the Fiveya’s tension in S2 EP 7’s iconic scene is a symptom of something

I dare to hope in fiveya (at least until proven wrong)  

1. We have a theme: Five wants to stop the apocalypse and Vanya is the apocalypse

It’s a twisted joke of the universe that the very thing Five is obsessed about in season 1 (the apocalypse) was caused by the person he trusted the most (“I’ve decided you’re the only one I can trust” - Five in S1EP1). The red thread that linked Five and Vanya can’t be more evident, that’s one of the reasons why I started shipping them. The family’s dynamic, the siblings’ relationships and bonds are equally important, they add layers and motivations to the story, but if we strip everything else and look at the core, we all know Five and Vanya are at the centre of it.

It’s not a simple coincidence that Five said “I’m the four horsemen”. At first, it’s just a funny line, because Five is drunk and he described himself as those fearsome figures (because he is the best assassin of the whole world and time. Death incarnated in his humble opinion). You don’t take him seriously when he said that line, you don’t pay attention to it.  

However, later it gains a certain degree of truth. Subtly the show tells you that indeed Five is linked deeply to the “apocalypse” (Vanya), as much as the four horsemen (they are the prelude and the bringers of the end) are linked to the apocalypse (in the biblical sense). He lived it. He was trapped there for 45 years. He is obsessed with it. The Apocalypse is his business.

Timid little Vanya is the first person he looked for in the middle of the doomsday’s ruins and arguably his closest friend. On the first day of his return Five only have meaningful talks with Vanya. Five sought her to confide the horror of his memories and share the burden of the truth. He trusted her above everyone else. Then the universe made a laughingstock of him when it was revealed that Vanya caused the Apocalypse. Five didn’t know he was running towards her, despite wanting to go back to his family (her) all his life. 

In the first two episodes of season 1 they made clear that Vanya and Five had an intimate bond in their childhood and still cared for each other after so many years, then the show proceeded to separate them until the finale. They tried so hard to keep them far away from each other during season 1 and we all know everything would have been different if they had time to properly talk, process their situation and find a solution together. Of course, the show didn’t give them that chance, otherwise the show would have ended in episode 3 and goodbye drama!

They did not confront each other in the end of season 1, they let Allison take that role because the show built up their connection as sisters and I didn’t dislike the choice. Did it work thematically? No, Allison has no connection with the apocalypse. That’s Five’s business. He didn’t confront Vanya, he let others take the lead in the most crucial moment and with no surprise the apocalypse still happened.

The other apocalypse in season 2 was still connected to Vanya and again Five ignored the cosmic signals and focused on dead ends. Despite knowing perfectly that the butterfly effect can come from any source, he didn’t even think about Vanya’s being the cause of the apocalypse again. Five should have listened Klaus when he suggested that Vanya might have been the cause. Funny how Klaus told him in S1 that he has an addiction and Five aggressively denied it. Funny how saving his family and stopping the apocalypse are always his top priorities, but Five still deny himself (for a reason or another) the time to confront Vanya (the apocalypse).

We have a theme waiting to be resolved: Five wants to stop the apocalypse and Vanya is the cause of the apocalypse. If Five does not confront Vanya the theme will never have a closure. It’s still open right now. It is still there, waiting to be picked up again. There is no resolution.

2. Vanya and Ben’s goodbye

The scene between Vanya and Ben was one of my favourites from season 2 and after pondering for a while I concluded that it couldn’t have been anyone else but Ben the one who helped Vanya in that moment. My theory is that the show will walk backwards the breaking points of Vanya’s life: Ben’s death, Five’s leaving and Reginald’s abuse.

Vanya is not fixed. How could she when she was barely Vanya in this season? “New timeline, new me” she said, but that was just a convenient escapism mechanism. Years and years of mentally and emotionally abuse don’t disappear in one week. The Hargreeves have still a lot to process and resolve, individually and as family. That’s why I hope the show will progress the story in the right direction and actually work on them in season 3. Especially Vanya, who needs to confront her trauma. That’s why the scene with Ben in episode 9 was necessary.

From Vanya’s book:

[…] Our everyday existence was full of evidence that Dad had [...]-pped into treating us like experiments. Not as children, but like animals. And what happened to Ben was the last straw that finally shattered the illusion for the others …

Ben died long time ago and his death was the last straw that shattered the illusion (for the others) that their father cared about them (even in his own messed up way). Everything changed from that moment and each sibling drifted away from one another after that. Ben’s death was the moment Vanya and the rest of her siblings stopped being a family. The definitive step of Vanya’s alienation from her siblings.

There was no place in the group for her. With Five’s absence and Ben gone (he is a caring brother, with Klaus is like that and I can imagine him being kind to Vanya in their childhood too. Although, Ben is not Five and we have seen him being harsh to her in the flashbacks in S1EP10), Vanya was truly lost.

The tearful and important moment between Ben and Vanya was a reverse moment in my opinion. Vanya needed that from Ben, his death heavily influenced the course of her life (everyone’s life) and it was only fitting that Ben should have been the one helping her to start again. It’s symbolic in a sense, but also very factual.

“Sorry that I left without saying goodbye” – Five, S1 EP2

“At least this time I can say goodbye.” – Ben, S2 EP9

I’m using my fiveya-goggles, but we all thought that what Five said in S1EP2 (when Vanya tried to find him at Hargreeves’ mansion) wasn’t just about him leaving her apartment. It’s a very specific line that works on double levels: text and subtext. The subtext of course refers to the day he run out the house and time jumped. I highlighted these two lines from Five and Ben because I think they share the same theme: leaving her without saying goodbye.

Vanya wasn’t on mission with the team when Ben died, and I doubt she even saw his body (or whatever remains were left) when the Umbrella Academy returned. She didn’t even see his manifestation during the Icarus’ fight, too focused in her own power. The scene between them in Vanya’s mind gave both the opportunity to make amend of untold words and missed moments.

Ben is dead, he is the one he cannot return. His departure is permanent, there is nothing they can do about that. However, they can have a closure. Ben needed to be the one first patching to mend Vanya’s relationship with her family, to remind her that she does belong. This sort of second death (finally move on into the Light) has more meaning than the first one, this time Ben completed the mission. He saved someone he loved (he couldn’t stop Klaus from destroying his life with drugs and alcohol) and could trust his siblings to take care of the rest.

I still think Ben didn’t need to die-die, but in a sense it was time for him to move on into the light. He was afraid to go on, but if he could move on so his siblings. It is time for Vanya to move on her own trauma.

(Yeah, I know. I still have problem with the scene because they erased canon in a way and Ben could do a lot more as character. They erased the fact drugs stop their powers like in Klaus’ addiction and Vanya’s pills, so how Vanya was able to use them under LSD? I tried to explain that to myself by the fact “they needed to bs that canon fact in season 1 and ignored it”.

We can also argue that Ben could have prevented the apocalypse in 2019 by doing the same thing, but in their defence S1-Ben didn’t know he could possess a body. Yeah, how did he do that without Klaus’ power help? No idea, that doesn’t make sense to me either. Ahah. I just swam with the flow at that point and accepted it as it is. Call it the power of superpowered siblings’ love. I’ve seen worse plot holes in my life. I can live with this).

3. Pass me the knife, there is some tension here!

From Vanya’s book:

Though prone to arrogance and outbursts, even more than the average preteen, Five was my sole confidante in the years before he disappeared. It almost seemed fitting […] the siblings to leave us, it would be him who [I fully?] […] who fully trusted me.

I said that Vanya’s walking backwards her life’s breaking points. So, after Ben’s death, she needs to address Five’s leaving. Five was her only confidante in the years before he disappeared, as she wrote in her book. Five was very important to young Vanya (and old Vanya needs to remember that) and I bet when he left, that was a scar never healed.

Vanya missed him and hoped for his return, for a while she kept the lights on in the house every night and prepared for him his favourite sandwich. When Five did come back Vanya couldn’t process that fact properly in season 1, all she could think of was that she didn’t want to lose him again. Five on the other hand decided that he would save everyone on his own and for that choice he made a bunch of tragic rookie mistakes.

Miscommunication is their kryptonite and right now Vanya and Five aren’t able to fully communicate at the same level. Reggie did such a good work at parenting that they’re so unfit to deal with their emotions and relationships, that will always be the root of their mistakes.

Same story in season 2, meanwhile Vanya is on the verge to provoke another apocalypse (although indirectly), as usual Five was too obsessed with his own plans and was not even aware of the situation. He knows nobody is insignificant when it’s about altering the timeline, but he always ends to focus on the wrong lead. The show again did incredible summersaults to avoid the two to interact properly and when they interacted things still didn’t work for a reason or another. She didn’t remember her past, he was not entirely sincere with her. She wanted to start anew (having a family with Sissy, easy-peasy), he is trapped again in a run against time to save his family. They are still not at the same page and for the show that is convenient. They still can play with their open theme (my point number 1 in this meta).

I don’t blame Five in S1 for thinking that if the worse happens, they would need to kill her. I think he was in a very delicate state of mind in that moment, he didn’t have time to process the fact Vanya (his favourite sibling and we all know she is his favourite) caused the end of the world. It was disappointing and cynical, but time was ticking fast, and he had been in his “maniacal-panic” mode for almost eight days. I also think he wouldn’t really kill her; he was the one who convinced the others that they needed to take her with them in the time jump. They need to “fix her” (aka help her to never feel alone in the universe and prove her we do love her) or they’re going to make the same mistakes again and again.

Just to be clear I think if Five wasn’t one day from the end of the world and in a rush to stop Vanya, he would had had the same reaction as Old Man Five in S2. His 14-days younger version take it very well “Fair enough” he said and then proceeded to tell Luther how to save Vanya, no mention about killing her whatsoever. Old Man Five had time (10 days more than our current Five) and a direct clue on how to stop the apocalypse (thanks Luther). Nobody was going to kill Vanya.

“Vanya will always be the cause of the apocalypse, unless we fix her.” - Five S1EP10 

“Vanya is the bomb. She will always be the bomb.” - Diego S2EP8

Vanya is the bomb and she will always be the bomb unless she heals. A fact that can be added to my number 1 point in this meta, there is an open theme and they need to tackle it. Five and Vanya need to confront each other and resolve it.

This takes me to S2 EP7: the iconic stare-power stand between Five and Vanya. THE TENSION was real, and you could cut it with a butter knife. The first time I screamed at my screen, I felt like Gordon Ramsay in one of those episodes of “Kitchen Nightmare US” when someone finally serves him good food.

Of course, the immediate reading of the scene is that Five needed Vanya to come along and Vanya didn’t want to go because at that point these Hargreeves are still strangers to her (amnesia is so convenient), Sissy and Harlan are the ones she knows and loves in that right moment.

They were still able to cut each other with sharp words and hostile glares though. Five let her have what she wanted, not because he feared her, but because as usual he cares more about her feelings than what he would ever admit. It’s the second time in S2 he let her go, his soft spot and favouritism for Vanya was showing once again! *fakes surprise*

I think the tension shown in this scene is a symptom that Vanya and Five are on the verge of something they will (they have to) confront soon or later. This is the subtext reading I came out with.

Even if you don’t look at it with shipper goggle, you feel there is something going on. They let the viewers feel there is a sensitive something whenever these two have an alone scene together. All their alone scenes have a specific grade of intimacy, they made it clear since the scene in front of Five’s portrait. They care for each other, they love each other (sibling love, platonic love, we-could-have-been-something love etc…) and it’s there. However, Five left and Vanya never truly recovered from that. They didn’t process that fact and I truly believe they can’t move on until they heal that scar.

Basically, S2 EP7 Fiveya’s scene = We have to talk, but this is not the moment because the show is only on its second season! THIS TENSION IS HERE FOR A REASON.

4. Hope is the last thing to die

I shouldn’t trust a show, I’ve been disappointed so many times in the past years and showrunners of popular shows tend to be unoriginal and cowards. However, I am an optimist at heart and until season 3 I dare to hope anyway. If proven wrong, there are always fanfictions who can do better job than canon.

If all was lost they could have eliminated Alluther too from the universe because of certain fans screaming “harcest is incest you weirdos”, but Allison and Luther’s situation still exist and still work on the parameter “will they or not”? I imagine for their shippers it was annoying to have such a regression in season 2, but they didn’t destroy it and they still gave them scenes.

Fiveya had even a more subtle situation than Alluther but they’ve been granted the same level of intimate interaction whenever they have an alone scene together. Until Five (the character) will gain an older body (which he can) the whole thing is suspended. However, I think they wouldn’t have been open about the possibility of Five changing back to an older body and spoke about in season 1 if they didn’t have an idea for that.

I brushed off the line Five said to Old Man Five about being forever trapped in his 13-years-old body. It’s canon that there is a way to gain an adult body for Five, the Commission has the technology and even if it’s not the Commission they can mambo-jambo the thing in a way or another. That would never work. The actor is a growing up teenager and from season 1 to season 2 he has already changed. I imagined he will change even more before season 3 will ever start recording (maybe very late due the COVID-19 situation).

Aidan is a fan favourite and I am one of those who can’t see anyone else playing Five, with this said there are still ways for the show to give us fiveya. Young fiveya flashbacks will be always an option to explore the idea of “they had a crush on each other when they were young” and make other viewers understand that it wasn’t all “sibling” love between them. Endgame in a distant season can always have an epilogue with an adult Five (another actor I mean) having a very non-platonic (let adult Fivey kiss please) moment with Vanya, meanwhile building up the longest slow-burn (kinda, deep down I believe those feelings for each other are there) of the century.

Maybe I am wrong, maybe my tinfoil crow is too tight, and my brain doesn’t breathe. Maybe the show will succumb to easy paths and angry bullies. I don’t know, but until proven wrong I dare to hope.

PS: This is a monster of a meta and it probably doesn’t make sense? I hope someone will get what I’ve tried to say. I hope you survive, brave readers. Here a glass of margarita for you. I’d love to hear what you think

[mchalowitz]

the process by which time passes

REPOST. you guys. @lilydalexf is the true mvp of this saga. she happened to have the story still open and was kind enough to send it to me. i owe her so much gratitude (as well as the other amazing xf bloggers that reached out to me). although i don’t interact much socially around here, it is amazing to be a part of a fandom that is so kind and supportive! writing xf fic is a creative outlet i enjoy so much and i love sharing it. now back to our regularly scheduled reading. (also if you guys wouldn’t mind boosting this new version so i can see the feedback, i would be so grateful.)

this is something i’ve been writing (at this point) for probably almost a year, which is one reason i’ve been pretty quiet on the fic-posting front. i’m so excited for everyone to finally see it but terrified at the idea that it’s not just an idea that only i know about anymore. it was originally the back half of a wip i abandoned but i couldn’t let this part go. enjoy!!

Mulder gives her a tight hug on the side of a desert highway. Scully presses her forehead to his chest, hoping her thoughts might leave her mind, reach his heart, and convince him to stay. He still gets in the SUV and she never sees him again.

In true Fox Mulder fashion, his physical presence isn’t needed to be a constant reminder. Government officials that she once exchanged pleasantries with at the coffee machine bang down her door and rip apart the life he abandoned.

“Have you heard anything?”

Skinner rifles through papers until the door clicks shut. Her badge feels heavy on her lapel. It feels wrong to be here.

“Only the official warrant,” Skinner answers. That was weeks ago. She has to frequently remind herself that he is doing the best he can. He can’t make it too obvious he’s interested in the hunt. She certainly can’t go digging herself.

“They’re closing the X-files,” he informs her. “There is an appeal process…”

“That’s not necessary,” Scully interrupts. “My assignment was to assess the validity of Mulder’s investigations. There is nothing to assess.”

“You believe in the work.”

“I’m a scientist,” she reminds him, offering nothing else.

Her final report is a jumble of words that states, no matter what she believed, the X-Files should never be reopened.

–

Scully spends idle days breathing in wet air on her mother’s porch. She hopes the sea might soothe her.

A week later, as she plans her return to Washington, she decides emphatically that it did not.

She discovers heart medication in her mother’s bathroom cabinet. Maggie attempts to downplay the circumstances, “It was a blip on a screen, Dana. The doctor said it was just precautionary,” but to Scully, it’s a call to action.

It isn’t difficult to resign. It seemed like it should, after giving the FBI almost a decade of herself, and much, much more than that.

She cries silently in her car after handing over the keys to her dream apartment and saying goodbye to her meticulously curated life.

She reminds herself starting over is the only way to move on. But she isn’t sure she believes it.

–

Scully is a seasoned Special Agent of the FBI, an instructor of pathology, but she struggles to call herself a doctor. After an onslaught of rejected resumes, she begins to believe the medical community of Maryland agrees.

A small hospital outside Baltimore is wowed by her determination alone. At the bottom of the ladder, no one knows the reputation of Agent Scully. She showed promise and expertise in her role, even if her partner was a kook. Dr. Scully has never formally practiced medicine and her bedside manner leaves something to be desired.

Scully hopes for an opening in pathology, where she might be more understood. John From Human Resources hums along with her plight. “I’ll keep an eye out,” he promises.

She begins noticing him behind her in the cafeteria line. On a fall day, she is trying to decide on the best fruit cup when he sides up to her. He is whisper-quiet, conspiratorial in tone when he says, “I wanted to give you a heads up that Dr. Harris may be retiring at the end of the year.”

The may sounds more like an is. A weight inside her lifts.

John assures her she is the first choice when the position officially becomes available. When he leads her to her new office in January, he asks her out to drinks to celebrate, and Scully is surprised, because she forgot people could see her that way.

John is completely unlike anyone else she’s been with. He is endlessly dependable. She never has to worry about where he is because he calls when he’ll be late. He thrives on a fastidious routine and makes safe, informed decisions.

Scully finally moves out of her mother’s house and into a modern three-bedroom she purchases with John. She leads an entirely new life. She climbs the ranks in pathology and is still able to go on real dates, and eat home cooked meals while they’re still hot, and sit in the pew every Sunday. She goes on weekend hikes and uninterrupted trips to the coast and has fine, but not life changing, sex. She accepts John’s proposal on the beach with a beautiful ring.

They have a small wedding. She doesn’t take his last name.

John tries so hard, never asks about her time in the FBI, even tries to adopt a child with her. When it falls through at the last minute, they decide on a dog instead. They get divorced after two years.

In her office one late morning, the phone on her desk lights up. “Dr. Scully, there’s a man on line one asking for you.”

“Thank you,” she says into the speaker. She picks up the receiver with the assumption of a request for a consult. “This is Dr. Scully.”

“Hey, Scully, it’s me.”

She drops the phone.

–

Scully’s stomach is in knots. She is too nervous to order any food. Mulder sits across from her at a diner, looking older and scruffier, and she wonders if this is all a cruel hallucination.

“Where have you been?”

His fingers tap nervously on the table. “Farrs Corner.”

After exploring little towns in the far reaches of nowhere, she remembers that’s Virginia. When she presses for how long, she discovers he’s been within driving distance almost this entire time. Her fingers clench. She wants to strangle him.

“It’s been six years, Mulder. Why now?”

“The FBI dropped the charges against me. I helped them with a case, they wiped the slate clean. I can start my life again, Scully, come back.”

Forget strangle, Scully wants to kill him. He thinks he can just come back? His ignorance to the domino effect of his actions has to be purposeful.

There was a life they wanted to live together that never had the chance to become a reality. She has spent six years trying to fill her life with meaning. Her marriage failed, her career path faltered. They have a child that is no longer theirs.

Scully stands from the booth. She stares down at him, asserts her power.

“I thought you were dead.”

He just nods. He suggests she give him a call, now that she has his number.

She doesn’t.

–

Scully always forgave Mulder too quickly; it was their fatal flaw. She frequently ignored this piece of common knowledge by justifying his more unsavory behavior as residual childhood trauma, or a severe lack of social skills, or plainly being obtuse.

She never found a way to justify him leaving her when she needed him without looking like an emotionally manipulated moron. How could she possibly forgive the embarrassment and isolation she felt after giving up her own child for ostensibly no reason?

Scully bared her soul to him, her body, and gave him everything she had, and she still took a backseat to his quest. There was a brief time where she thought something finally switched in him and the quest would take a backseat to her. In the earliest days of the millenium, working their way up from something undefined to something real.

A month passes. She speaks to no one about her meeting with Mulder, but when she has idle moments, it fills her mind. She tries to remain hot when she begins wondering what Mulder’s life is like now. She attempts to imagine how he filled six years worth of time, because he was never a picture of duality, never able to separate his life from his work, and what can he do after leaving it behind?

It’s a slow burning curiosity. Weeks long. She begins to think he didn’t push during their last meeting because he knew it would happen like this.

She scrolls through recent calls to find the number he left on her office phone. Scully hears the hello in that familiar voice and doesn’t hesitate to respond, “Mulder, it’s me.”

–

Scully sees a dream realized when she pulls up to a little house with a spacious porch on sprawling land. Mulder never liked the city.

He is clearly thrilled to finally present his vegetable garden and his paintings while giving her the grand tour. He recounts putting in the new water heater himself and his plans to replace the roof next spring.

Mulder makes her pasta and gives her the “good chair.” When her stomach is full, they talk about old times. She hasn’t talked about these things in years because she knew there was no one else that can laugh about what she saw instead of instantly recoiling except for the man sitting across from her.

“I have to get back,” she realizes when she sees the sun beginning to set out the window. They spent almost the whole day together. He nods in understanding.

“You see I’m not living in squalor,” he jokes as he walks her to her car.

“It certainly wasn’t the dilapidated hut I was expecting,” she teases. Her tone shifts from silly to serious. “You know, Mulder, after our last meeting, I really didn’t want to come here. I thought…I think you know what I thought. But I’m glad I came.”

“I appreciate any chance you’ll give me, Scully,” he replies.

–

Farrs Corner becomes a regular destination.

Mulder easily becomes the companion she was lacking, the return of the best friend she lost. Even with the passage of time, he still knows her better than anyone else.

She stops offering up her free Friday nights for on-call autopsies and tox screens to watch movies with take-out picked up just before civilization ends.

Without a Saturday shift to spoil their fun, they indulge in the full six pack of their favorite beer. His feet are propped on the coffee table next to their abandoned pizza box, as she folds her legs underneath her on the cushion beside him. She is full-bellied and warm.

“I can’t believe you were married,” he says in disbelief, taking a swig from his bottle. “Considering how many of my proposals you turned down.”

“Maybe I would’ve accepted if any of them had been serious.”

“So you’re saying there was a chance?”

She laughs and nudges his shoulder with the side of her bottle.

When she catches his eye, she sees a person that, yes, she thought she might marry someday. When she was younger, less hard, and had never seen the face of a child that was half him, half her.

She leans forward and presses her lips to his, jerking back as soon as he begins to respond. She tries to find something to say, a reasoning, but she finds his curious gaze, and can’t think of anything to say.

He closes the distance between them and starts where she left off. His kiss is wonderful. It’s hopeful and sexy as all hell.

He nudges her jaw aside with his chin, his mouth seeking out her neck. Her fingers tangle in his hair. “Let’s go upstairs,” he suggests.

–

Standing at the foot of his bed, Scully realizes she’s never been in Mulder’s bedroom before. He has simple furnishings; dark wood and soft blues. His belt clunks when it hits the floor. His bare chest warms her back.

She remembers his warmth, his proclivity to be so tender and gentle, and to let her lead the way. She turns and guides him onto the bed.

Modest kisses quickly turn unrestrained. He breaths in long pants as he shoves her panties down her thighs, letting her kick them over her ankle before hooking them over his hips.

He slips in so easily. Scully explores his changed body; the shifting muscles in his back, his thinner, sweat dampened hair against her hands, his ass clenching as he rocks into her.

Electricity runs through her when his fingers drift to her clit, taking her right to the edge. “Fuck,” he groans, his lips at her ear. “I can’t believe it’s really you.”

She moans in utter bliss, deliriously overtaken. When she comes, she shatters. Mulder thrusts two, three times more, before following behind. He spurts hotly into her with growls of satisfaction.

Breathing heavily, they lay bonelessly on their backs. She feels the sweat cooling at her hairline. Her lips break into a big smile and a laugh leaves her lips. His follows and he raises her hand to his lips, feeling his joyous puffs of air against her skin.

“We are still very good at that,” she decides, turning her head toward him.

“You did always bring out the best in me,” he agrees.

Scully finds his boyish nerves when he mentions spending the night charmingly endearing. She wordlessly moves to press herself into his side, clinging to him in answer.

–

Mulder calls their connection cosmic, though Scully doesn’t believe in cosmicity. An otherworldly connect would trivialize their effort so far in their new era.

She worried how they would assimilate into each other’s worlds without the commonality of what easily linked them before. While their forced separation may never be seen as a positive in her eyes, it did allow for the growth to be content in domesticity.

Scully adores the version of Mulder she met over two decades ago. With his unwavering desire for truth and his absolutely brilliant mind. The hours they can spend talking remind her of that man often. They spar as they always did, laugh like no time has passed.

She delights in the side of him that is at peace with the mundane. He likes filling her drawers with clean scrubs, and working in the yard until he returns smelling like freshly cut grass, and giving her drafts of his paranormal mystery novel.

Uncensored honesty is their biggest challenge. It would be so easy to never discuss what plagued them in the past. They finally get to air their fear, their guilt, and their grief. Scully thinks she and Mulder come out better on the other side.

Mulder leads her to the quiet corners of the world, using his freedom to finally venture off his little property. They luxuriate in the Bahamas shortly after their first night together and they start stopping at all the roadside attractions they used to skip. He plans to finally take her to England and show her all the off beaten paths from his youth. She would go anywhere with him.

A beach house in Maine is this weekend’s activity. Scully accidentally leaves her stack of reading on the desk in her office. “I’ll grab them quick and we’ll go,” she promises him, hanging onto the open passenger side window.

“Don’t leave the coast waiting too long,” he teases. “I’m starting to lose my island glow.” She rolls her eyes at him and pushes up on her toes to kiss him briefly.

Though she promises to be quick, Scully still signs into her computer. She printed out the newest articles hastily before an autopsy and notices now that the first ten pages of the article on top are missing. She finds herself drawn to begin reading when she goes to reprint. She pulls out her chair with blind arms, sitting down absently.

She doesn’t realize how long she’s been gone until she sees Mulder enter. “I was starting to think you’d fallen in,” he jokes.

“Sorry,” she mumbles. He brushes off her apology with a wave of his hand, rounding the desk to brace his hand on the back of her chair.

“What are you reading?” he asks.

Case 43-2009. 8-year-old with Brain Scan Abnormalities Presents Potentially Unseen Neurological Disorder.

She breaks her gaze at the screen to bring her eyes up to Mulder.

“We need to find our son.”

[mysmedrabbles]

RFA Reacting to MC Growing Up an Orphan

requested: by anonymous

a/n: oof this actually turned out really cute so here ya go lads! enjoy!! if you’d like to buy me a coffee click here

warnings: light alcohol mention, but filled with fluff and comfort and kindness (saeyoungs delves more into abuse and emotions)

-somft mod alex

Jumin

-its a semi drunken night when you tell him, you’d finally gotten Jumin to loosen up after a long workday, and were now on the couch together, Jumin’s head on your chest as you ran your fingers through his hair lazily, letting the alcohol dull your mind as you listen to him rambling about his childhood

-it must have been an offhand comment you made that sparked his attention, making him rise from the comforts of your lap as he stares at you incredulously. you sheepishly tell him your story, and although he’s sensitive with you as to not upset you, he’s horrified to learn that you were constantly neglected in your childhood, growing up without a place you could actually consider a home

-he listens to you, quietly concerned as the alcohol hits him hard, and the next thing he knows he’s passed out on your shoulder.

-when he wakes up he has only a faint recollection of you telling him of your past, but he doesn't bring it up; partially because of a raging headache and partially because he didn't want to upset you, you looking so at peace reading something on your phone, a loving smile forming on your lips as you sense him watching you

-he’s not one to go in full steam ahead (well- he is, but he reAlly wants to be subtle with this) but he tries his best to make living together feel as homey as possible

-he talks to Yoosung, the Professional at all things Family, and realizes that he should tone down the money spending to ensure your comfort and instead use that time to do things together, bond over small dumb things. 

-knows that as much as he would want to go back in time and fix your childhood, give you the love you deserved, find you a home, the past cannot be changed. so instead he opts on building the sense of family between the two of you

-he takes you to ikea (Saeyoungs idea), and the two of you find new furniture, something that fits your tastes as well, to redecorate the penthouse. 

-imagine jumin trying to assemble ikea furniture 

-he gets frustrated with having to do things like a commoner, but bless him he’s trying his best to do it for you, and the way your face lights up whenever the two of you do something “domestic” or “familial” makes it all worth it. it’s a learning curve for him too, and despite his protests he cant help but admit that he was missing a lot from his childhood too but it brings him peace knowing he’ll soon be building a family with you ;^)

-he’s not willing to get rid of the giant aquarium pillars, however he lets you get them some cool aquarium furnishings and plants

-goes grocery shopping with you more often, and overall spends more time with you, even telling chef to take the weekends off from now on, opting to cook together instead, and even though most of the time things end up burnt or tasting weird, all that matters is that the two of you have fun

-everyone thinks he’s lost his mind, including for the RFA, who's in the corner crying because “What happened to our cold emotionless Jumin Why Is He SO Domestic”

-teaches you to waltz 

-the day you make an offhand comment about how you consider him your family, he stops and starts tearing up, pulling you into a tight hug as you confusedly kiss his cheek, only slightly worried about him

Jaehee

-it was one of the first things the two of you really talked about, a kind of bond forming over past trauma and losing a part of your childhood. 

-she’s a very action forward woman, knows that she can’t change the past, but she sure as hell can help you heal from it. 

-she takes you to show you all her favourite sweets from her childhood, and takes you to spots she loved sitting in as a kid, trying to share these experiences with you

-she challenges you to a race to see who can climb to the top of a tree the fastest, and it’s one of the few times you see her truly free, giggling as she watches you struggle up the branches, meeting you with a kiss when you finally reach the top, and with her it feels like nothing else in the world matters, that in that moment the only ones that exist are her and the sunset, making her smile shine, casting an ethereal glow on her face as she caresses your cheek lovingly.

-tries to take more breaks to spend more time with you, building more memories in places that most people deem “kiddie places”

-yes im saying she takes you to SkyZone and/or a ball-pit

-she gets lost in the ball-pit, slowly sinking lower and lower as you have to dramatically rescue her

-diner dates, sharing a milkshake and relaxing together after a long day of work, and although none of it can bring back the past, her devotion to giving you fu childhood related memories lessens the pain, and the memories that you build with her of course will always last forever 

Yoosung

-he’s always so excited about meeting your family, about joining two families and building a new one- with this boy its always about family, so how the hell do you bring up that you dont actually have one?

-when you do finally tell him, he stops in his tracks, trying to process how that could be

-he’s a good listener, bless him, and he listens to your story, how you were mostly in and out of orphanages and foster families and grew up a child of the System. 

-at first he doesn’t know what to do with the information, and feels the deep pangs in his chest when he realizes that you missed out on so many things growing up, things that he took for granted

-you already view him as family, (frankly its hard not too, his general attitude towards you, the constant loving gazes, the way the two of you were always there for each other, mixed with the annoying comments of the RFA on how the two of you are “so married” making it hard not to), but he still sets out to make you feel like his family is yours

-this means he introduces you to his family.

-he knows how nervous you are the day before, and calls ahead without you knowing and tells his family to take it easy and not overwhelm you

-however they still do- overwhelm you with love i mean

-his grandma is immediately sizing you up and telling you to eat more, asking what size sweaters you wear and his dad is making silly jokes at your expense, yoosung holding your hand as him and his dad go back and forth one teasing,  one protecting you. his mum is smiling, holding a wooden spoon as she steps out of the kitchen, calling yoosung to help her with the cooking

-his sisters dote on you, introducing you to their husbands as their children run around in the background screaming in happiness, yelling at you to join them in playing tag, and their gleeful laughs draw you in. stopped by yoosung as you run into him, almost making him drop the mashed potatoes, and the look on your face is priceless, making the whole day worth it

-you get along with his oldest sister spectacularly, and you have your time to joke about yoosung as you ask his grandma for embarrassing stories of yoosung. (you enjoy watching his get increasingly flustered as he tries to hide in the crook of your neck)

-you and his parents have a long chat, ending in them hugging you and telling you just how much they appreciate you and the way you’ve made his son grow. the two of you seem so happy together, perfect even.

-it’s almost one in the morning when the two of you start heading home. as the two of you walk to your car, he colds you close to his side, placing small kisses on your cheek as he watches you smile softly.

- “mc i know, i know that you,, may not have had a family growing up but know that,, know that you always have a family in us, you’re a part of my family now, and you’ll always have us. we’re not going anywhere.”

Seven

separate post [here]

Zen

-he’s a good listener, and listening to you talk about growing up poor and alone breaks his heart

-he can empathize, he had to grow up too fast, but he can’t even begin to imagine what you had to go through

-he’s there for you, always trying to make you feel better, and even though you never had a true family, he always lets you know that you’ll always have a family in him, even though you aren't legally married yet, nothing can stop him from calling you his family

-he’s not one to go all big and grand, he knows that logically you can never get that time back, but that doesnt mean you dont deserve that same childish delight that most people get 

-he’s one to treat you closer than ever, like true family, constantly reminding you that he loves you and protecting you from everything he possibly can, doing everything in his power to make sure that you’re protected from pain

-carnival date!!!!

-he takes you out to the carnival, playing all the booth games with you, making it a competition who can win more (the winner being no one)

-you get your face painted, a cliche green butterfly under your left eye, zen getting a matching red butterfly under his left

he ends up just buying you a large teddy bear, unable to have actually won you one (he’s extremely ashamed of himself but its the thought that counts)

-the two of you go on a carnival food spree, buying a little bit of everything as you walk hand in hand to the ferris wheel, (eating with a view amirite)

-please know that he’ll always do anything in his power to keep you safe and make sure you know you’re loved. you’re his family and, along with the RFA he’s yours.

[thejollyduckling]

VM Revival- Spoilers, ahoy!

Apologies in advanced for a supremely unedited jumble of thoughts. I meant for it to be more cohesive (and shorter- this got long, y’all). Alas, I am not one with words, especially.

Disclaimer: all feelings about characters and directions of the show are valid and I do not find fault with anyone for feeling differently than I do about the current situation.

I’m upset. I’m very upset. I love Logan Echolls. And I’m exhausted from crying and being emotionally distraught over what happened to him on the revival. Not only did my character die, ship die, and investment in a show die, but I then get to feel worthless in my feelings because people can’t handle that others don’t feel the same way as they do- and that those people are willing to voice those differences.

Several central arguments seem to evolve from those who think upset fans should not be upset:

1)      It’s noir. What did you expect?

2)      You already got your fanservice movie. Shut up! -OR- You’re being an entitled fangirl!

3)      Obviously, you don’t care about Veronica, since you’re willing to stop watching HER show over a character that isn’t her

 It’s noir. What did you expect?

I’m not the best person to speak on noir, since I’d only call myself a moderately-informed fan. I certainly have seen most of the classic movies that are classified as such and have definitely spent my time watching tv shows that identified as neo-noir, noir-esque, or other such variants inclusive of noir features. All that being said, from my humble perspective, some of the common themes from noir are present, but most of those were established in the original series and not new to the revival. Aside from some of those themes, stylistically, it didn’t feel very noir. There is a wide range of narrative events that can happen to be inclusive of this ‘noir’ label. Noir is not simply “death, despair, and no happiness!” Killing a character could fall under the category of noir. Killing a beloved, important character could certainly fall under the category of noir. But simply stating that killing that character IS noir is a gross simplification of what exactly makes that death noir. Sliced berries go in a fruit salad. But slicing a berry doesn’t automatically make it a fruit salad. While there are arguments to killing Logan for noir effect that can be made (which I am not currently capable of having right now), telling me I should get over it/deal with it/ “expect it because it’s noir, guys” is dismissive of my opinion on what makes something good noir. No, I don’t have to accept his death as a necessity of the genre. There are plenty of other characters who did or could have died to make that happen. Hell, even Logan could have been that character, but they didn’t do it justice. Again, I don’t want to argue about how Logan could have been that character still (because damnit, I don’t EVER want it to be him), but if it HAD to be him (I don’t think it did), fuuuuuck, he could have gotten MORE than he did. It didn’t have to happen 2 minutes after the wedding. It didn’t have to be an off-screen explosion from a leftover bomb from an already-apprehended criminal that I hated throughout the entire revival, they didn’t have to do a time-jump in which I didn’t get to watch ANYONE grieve his SIGNIFICANT loss, not have a funeral that we saw to grieve with the characters, and to only get a single tear from Veronica as she listens to a voicemail of Logan praising her for being strong. Let me be clear: I do not fault the writers for having Logan’s character believe in her strength. I do not fault fans for finding Veronica strong for enduring all the trauma she has endured. I DO find fault with people who tell me that I’m supposed to accept his death because it allows her to experience (ANOTHER) trauma to allow us to be TOLD she is strong. We didn’t see her be strong. We didn’t see her pick herself back up. We didn’t see her mend her heart and persevere through the devastating loss of her husband (and one of two people she told us she’d die without). We got a flash-forward where I was “told” she did this work, or was doing this work. I was told she was going to persevere. I do not have to accept or reinforce the idea that women (especially survivors of multiple traumas) are strong solely for continuing to have trauma thrown at them. If V needs to recover from trauma-after-trauma, I actually want to see her doing that. Instead, I got a season of her deflecting help (which I think is in-character) and pushing down her trauma. While I respect her character still has room to grow, I’m frustrated that I already SAW that growth with her childhood trauma. I spent 3 seasons, a movie, and two books, showing how she fought that trauma and had to learn to trust. And that growth was regressed in the revival. Recovery is a long process, and V will deal with that trauma for the rest of her life… but it didn’t feel like she had made ANY progress in the revival, even after she’d already canonically made some. That’s frustrating. So then, the cherry on top of that frustration, is to see her get dealt another terrible trauma… and not have it addressed or explored. “Wait until the next season,” you might say. No, thank you. I don’t want to watch my female characters constantly be beaten down by trauma and not able to grow from it, praised for being strong for “enduring” it, and then told to accept that one of the traumatic events that happens to them is the death of my favorite character. I don’t want to watch that.

 You already got your fanservice movie. Shut up! -OR- You’re being an entitled fangirl!

Diminishing fans who care about characters or romances as “fangirls” sounds pretty misogynistic to me. In my many years of fandom experiences, I’ve never understood why so many people are so strongly anti-romance. I understand people not liking particular ships, or particular stories. I understand people being tired of romance being so central to a particular story if you would like it to be more secondary. But to shame people who don’t feel the same way? To diminish their fan engagement as being stupid, silly, or fangirly is reductive. And, if you use the term fangirl in your diminishment, sexist. If you don’t like romance in your stories, that’s fine. But I do. And I’m not ridiculous for liking it. If I wasn’t meant to like it, I can’t understand why so many shows, movies, and books would devote so much time to it. Specifically, in the revival of VM, they spent much of the season exploring Logan’s and Veronica’s relationship. The writers (who aren’t “pandering” to me) wrote it themselves. They didn’t have to address it. They could have had it be a quaternary storyline. They didn’t, though. They made it a pretty significant one, since it’s a significant part of V’s character. She gets to have familial relationships explored, and fans can like that. She gets to have friend relationships explored, and fans can like that. But a romantic relationship? Fans can’t like that- or shouldn’t like it too much because it overshadows… what? What does it overshadow? I don’t ONLY want V to have a love story. But forgive me for enjoying my girl having a little happiness and love in her life. Especially if that relationship encourages her to be more trusting, open, forgiving, and helps her grow. That’s what relationships of all kinds are supposed to do. If you only care about the mystery aspect of the show, good for you. That’s totally fine. I came and STAYED because of the character development. I came for the relationships. In a noir setting, our hero needs people that keep her grounded, that keep her feeling happiness in spite of the turmoil around her, and that remind her to keep fighting. By reducing my love of a character that I believe offered this to Veronica on a supreme level to only being a silly fangirl is a misunderstanding of my love for Logan, and for my love of Veronica. If my love of this aspect of V’s and L’s characters is annoying and just fangirl pandering, then why did they spend much of the season exploring it? And then why am I not allowed to be upset at the outcome of said “pandering?” Also, in general, I don’t really understand why people refer to specific writing choices/ directions as fanservice or pandering. Or, more so, I don’t enjoy the large amount of people who seem to describe everything they do not like as pandering or fanservice. Why was the VM movie fanservice? Because fans liked it? Because they made it with fans in mind? What is inherently wrong with that? The idea that I’m supposed to give up wanting things for characters, ships, and stories simply because a movie didn’t completely sink my ship is strange to me. I’m not supposed to be invested in the further stories of Veronica and Co. because I already got everything I wanted? Did I? Do you know everything I wanted? LoVe being together at the end of the movie was certainly something I wanted. But was that EVERYTHING I wanted? No. Every fan of the franchise got SOMETHING from the movie, I’d argue. It might have been a cameo by a long-forgotten character. It might have been your couple reuniting. It might have been seeing your favorite father/daughter pair finally back together on-screen. Whatever it is, we all got something from that movie. So why is LoVe being together the ONLY thing the movie is remembered for doing? It accomplished a lot more than that, for me. I did not “already get my fanservice movie and now I need to shut up.” I care about these characters, this world, and I will never stop voicing what I want for them. If I’m doing it in a respectful way, that does no harm to anyone. If I express disappointment and hurt over the direction of the revival, that does no harm. I am not entitled to have Veronica Mars go the way I want, but I am hurt that it didn’t- and get to express that. It is not entitled to express my feelings on the direction of a show. Creators can choose to take those thoughts and do what they will. Rob certainly will do what he wants.  

Obviously, you don’t care about Veronica, since you’re willing to stop watching HER show over a character that isn’t her

I don’t even fully know how to begin unpacking this argument. This belief seems to stem from the idea that anything that happens on VM is what is best for her and I shouldn’t want anything different. I do not believe killing Logan was what was best for her story or the show. I do not believe it was the only way to achieve what I believe the writers wanted to achieve. Therefore, I’m upset that they chose to kill my favorite character to do that. I am so upset for Logan’s character (which Rob wrote and included in the show for me to consume and, presumably, enjoy). I wanted different for him. I believe his character suffered enough and wanted to see him get to reap the benefits of the hard-fought life he had carved out for himself. I didn’t expect a sunshine, butterflies, and rainbows sap-fest. I expected bumps and conflicts. I expected his character to continue to have flaws and grow. But now I don’t get any more of that. His character is done. He cannot continue to challenge, support, and love Veronica. He cannot continue to challenge himself to grow from his past. He cannot continue to be the hero he worked so hard to be. Because he’s dead. Why am I not allowed to be so devastated by that that I don’t want to see anymore of this world that he was a part of without him in it? If Keith had died, fans would have been equally upset and quit the show. I can’t imagine what would have happened if V had died. I don’t love Logan more than Veronica (though, if I did that would certainly not be a problem). You are not a better fan for loving Veronica more than Logan or Keith or Weevil or Mac or Wallace or any other character.  In the HP fandom, no one’s going to kick you out of the fandom for not liking Harry the most because it’s “his story.” Honestly, a lot of people don’t like Harry at all. Many do, many don’t. The point is, liking other characters that are included in the story above the main character is not inherently a problem. If you’re advocating for Logan to get all the screentime and all the story, well of course that’s not really how the show is going to work. It is V’s show. It is centered around her. But that includes the relationships she has with other characters. If V died, I’d be devastated. I’d stop watching the show… because there’d be no more show. Rob & Writers made Logan important. You don’t have to like that. But I do. I like that he’s important, because I like his character. And I’m upset at what happened to him, and his death (while not the ONLY thing of importance in the story) was big enough FOR ME, that I cannot continue to watch or enjoy the show. It changed everything for me. I wish it hadn’t. But I refuse to feel ashamed that I’m devastated that a MAIN CHARACTER, who was crucially important to our star, is dead and I cannot enjoy the show without him. My love for Logan’s character, my love for him in this world, is separate for my love for Veronica. I don’t HAVE to love Logan less and want less for him to love and want more for V. If Logan wasn’t important to V, then his death wouldn’t be so impactful for me. Obviously, I love his character, but it was his closeness and unyielding love for Veronica that made his death unbearable. Rob did not make Logan crucial and important for fanservice. And if he did, that was his own doing, and no one should be blamed for responding emotionally to what was created for us to respond to.

 On top of those three arguments that I see circulating over and over, I’m upset at the revival in general.

I am upset that a character that I love, who is flawed (and who should be allowed to be so), was not given the growth that I wanted for her. I felt like Veronica’s growth from past canon was regressed.

I am upset that we did not get to see more interaction between other characters that I wanted to see more from.

I am upset at the continued problematic portrayals of women and characters of color in Rob’s writing. I’m upset at the white feminism that I see in many moments of the show.

I am upset that the show tries to tackle deep issues like classism, sexism, racism, and abuse of all kinds, but only manages to scratch the surface- and often deals with them in problematic ways.

I am upset that the mysteries, which continues to be the least interesting aspect of the show for me (while still a draw), is the only thing that I believe Rob wants to continue to explore. It’s V’s job, it’s part of the genre and her character, so I get it. But I have always been drawn to the characters and their growth from the original series. I knew with the revival, Rob told us there’d be more focus on the mystery. And there was, and I didn’t mind it. I expect angst. I am no stranger to our characters going through ups and downs. But I still don’t like what happened. And I don’t think it was necessary or “good” storytelling.

I am upset that caring about Logan/LoVe is considered being a “fangirl” or fanservice. Wrong. I care deeply about ALL of Veronica’s relationships. In the revival, I found her relationship with Wallace lacking. I found her relationship with Weevil lacking (is this just due to screentime? Not entirely, but that’s another debate). I found her relationship with Keith lacking, though better than her relationship with some other characters. I am interested in Veronica as a character- with relationships (romantic AND platonic) who happens to be a PI. I was warned that the revival would be more focus on the PI side, so I was prepared for that. I wasn’t prepared for the character regression/lack of attention so completely- and then made to feel bad that I was upset about it.

I am upset that Logan Echolls is dead. That it is being deemed by some as necessary or acceptable, and if I disagree I’m silly, pathetic, wanting the show to pander to me, etc. If caring about his character so ardently is wrong, then Rob shouldn’t have written him such a kick-ass redemption. And I don’t want to be right.

I am upset because loyal, passionate fans have been crucial to this revival and to the marketing campaign. What happened to Logan feels like a slap in the face to fans that have devoted years, time, creative energy, and LITERALLY millions of dollars to see their beloved show and characters continue on. It may not have been what Rob intended, but the slap is felt regardless.

The thing is… at the end of the day? I am frustrated about a lot of things from the revival. But, if there’s another season ALL of those things could be addressed, expanded upon, or fixed…. Except 1: Logan’s life. That story is over, and I’m not okay about it. It was literally the ONLY thing I did not want to happen in the revival. I am a geek, who made a list. I had a whole long list of things I wanted- including things that had NOTHING to do with Logan or LoVe. Most of them revolved around V. Don’t tell me I don’t care about Veronica, just because I can’t watch/promote a show anymore because of another character. His character death is devastating to me on multiple levels- INCLUDING ITS IMPACT ON VERONICA!

I am allowed to be upset at the specific ways in which my character was handled. Can I do anything in the long run? Probably not. Is it artists’ choice? Of course. I am not entitled to tell a showrunner or writer that they must do things my way. But I am allowed to voice my disappointment and tell him that he no longer has my viewership and support, and I believe I am allowed to tell him what those reasons are. He can choose to ignore or engage with me.

In closing, I can only say deeply how sorry I am to fans that have spent 15 years invested in these characters so much that they’ve poured their hearts and money into seeing it continue through the years. Two years of devotion and ending up here has soured me greatly. I cannot even begin to imagine how others must feel. You are entitled to your hurt and your expression of that hurt (Just keep it classy, like JDoh did).  Love to you all!

Sincerely,

A Burnt Marshmallow

[redwoodrroad]

🖊 !!!

!!! oh man i really wanna talk about morten because for all i draw of him i dont talk about him enough. here’s a pretty recent screenshot of him in Skyrim, the game i made him in:

his full name is Morten Alexander Iversen, and i originally made him uuuhhhh over 6 years ago, i dont really remember but it was the first time i played skyrim–i actually named him after the lead singer of A ha, Morten Harket lmao, because i wanted him to fully encapsulate that like Nordic / Norwegian vibe (and also at the time i had an obsession with a ha and lbr it never went away); his last name is just a name i found, and his middle name is a reference to my own last name!

some general info: he’s got shoulder-length black hair that he does fishtail braids with, one on either side of his head that follow the curve of his head until he reaches the back of his ears, and then he lets it down; he also has light blue eyes, a Pretty full beard, and several scars on his nose (they might be hard to see in that picture but i draw them pretty prominently). he’s probably about 7 feet tall in-game, but in any modern retelling i do with him, he’s about 6′2″. he also has a deep voice but no, like, traditional nordic accent. if you can imagine like an east coast accent that isnt quite southern, isnt quite northern, it’s like…. somewhere in there. in the game, he tends to wear heavy armor, but he prefers using a bow for most situations and then switches to a sword with his right hand and ice / fire magic with his left hand. i dont wanna fill up my followers’ dashboards, so if you’re interested in reading about him, i put it all under the read more! :D

so in the game, he’s a nord as i said, but he doesn’t completely align with the nords–i have an ENTIRE sociological mock-up of the culture of nords in skyrim, and to sum it up, they’re very conservative, theyre close-minded, and they dont care for people (even among their OWN people) with mental illness / disabilities, people who arent so much power- / dominance-oriented, or, say it with me now: gays. on that list, morten falls under all three! hat trick!! so he kind of keeps away from his brethren in that regard; he’s also a very quiet person overall and prefers to not be in big crowds or even in big open spaces, he really likes his solitude. which is tough when youre the dragonborn and everyone knows it rip

speaking of being dragonborn, i imagine that his dragon is like…. an entire personality within himself. not that it has really any agency, but it’s a nagging sensation that draws him towards what dragons want: power, money, sex, food, naps, etc. morten’s dragon is very dominant and wants morten to go all out–it wants him to fight everything, garner lots of wealth, reach a worldwide level of notoriety, and like anything else you can imagine a greedy, power-mongering dragon might want. morten himself, however, does not want any of that; he just wants to chill. so you can imagine the duality there, huh. more physically, his dragon is like an ice-oriented dragon, so morten’s shouts (while mechanically can be whatever he wants because it’s all in the game mechanics) in my mind always have a little twist of ice. he prefers the ice-oriented shouts, and anything else not related to ice will still have little ice particles come out (even if they might be melted by fire-oriented shouts). likewise, morten’s use of magic with his hands are always ice- or cold-oriented

beyond the dragon, he has terrible memory problems, and ive worked the canon amnesia into something of like…. a trauma response? it’s way too much to go into and also has to do with some of my personal childhood experiences, so for now we’re just gonna let it be shielded by amnesia; likewise, that sort of brain-haziness also applies to present memory-storing, and morten really has trouble remembering names, dates, conversations, and even situations even as he is adventuring through Skyrim. this also applies to processing issues–he for sure has dyslexia, and not just in reading; he might hear a sentence but parse out the words in a different order–and over-stimulation, which is really why he hates being around other people or even talking to other people for a long period of time. he also suffers from depression, anxiety, and paranoia, and because of all these mental things, he really found himself becoming drawn to the Prince that oversees this general sphere of mental health: Sheogorath. during that quest where the dragonborn helps him and pelagius inside pelgius’s mind, morten was incredibly drawn to sheo and in my mind took time to sit with sheogorath at the end of the quest just to chat because sheo made him feel like…. that haze that covers his brain just lifted and let him think clearly without the stressors of the outside world affecting him. even the dragon soul stopped yelling at him in that moment because it too was soothed by sheogorath’s presence. so with that, morten grows closer to sheogorath, and in my canon, they chill out a lot in skyrim haha

i also want to say that morten grew really close with the greybeards–particularly Arngeir. Arngeir, being really the only one who Could talk to morten and who always had such helpful wisdom for him, really became something of a father figure to morten, and without needing to, morten returns a lot to the temple to just chill with arngeir, he just loves him so much.

finally, i also wanna talk about his relationships: he becomes the thane of Whiterun first and meets Lydia, and they become absolute bros. later down the line, he meets a guy (havent figured out who it is yet, might end up being an OC) who he falls for a little, and they have a thing for a long time–until this guy starts becoming really abrasive with morten and displays such a lacking in understanding of morten as someone with mental illness, so he leaves–and he’s replaced later by the beautiful and adorable Erik the Slayer, whom morten meets as the dragonborn normally does in Rorikstead, and after he gives erik’s father money for erik’s armor, and after a few months when he returns to find erik trying to become a hired mercenary, morten asks him to join him in adventuring. it takes some time, but there’s a mutual crush, there are late-night chats under the stars, drunken storytelling that involves coming-out stories and previous bad or silly relationships, and eventually a big gay kiss. and of course, a marriage in the temple of mara. i may or may not have had to hack the game with console commands to let morten marry him because he wasnt romance-able but we’re here now and they live together in the Lakeside Mansion just outside Falkreath. morten also meets Serana during the Dawnguard dlc and becomes bros with her too (and introduces her, the raging lesbian, to lydia, the rampant bisexual, and you know).

sheo is still a huge influence on morten’s life, and there are TONS of silly instances where both erik and sheo have to sit in a room together and just kind of accept the fact that on one hand morten is sleeping with an actual terrifying daedric prince and on the other hand morten is married to a boring mortal and not a fun daedric prince, can you guess which one of them holds which opinion

so right now, morten is happily married to the love of his life, he has some pals livin it up with him in the upstairs bedrooms and a prince who visits him occasionally, and his little farm is full of chickens and cows and horses and a library tower full of books and a full garden outside WITH BEES, and hes just living his best life !

thank you for asking!! i hope you enjoyed reading about my boy!! he’s my blog icon, and i love him so much. also feel free to check out my “morten tag” tag if you want to see like general vibes about him, aesthetic posts, meme shit that reminds me of him or might be something he would do or like, and art ive made that features him! and thank you again ;u;

[erinvanzyl-blog]

Beyond Illusions

My battle with fear & anxiety began in August of 2014, just a handful of weeks after I got married to my best friend and high school sweetheart. I had been suffering with pain in my stomach (which I later learned was from a parasite) and was in the early stages of visiting doctors to discover the cause. Everything else in life was humming along. My business was doing well, my children settling into their new routine and Ash and I were enjoying making a home together. We both put on some weight (early marriage bliss definitely to blame) and life was exciting.

Then...

11th August 2014, I woke to breaking news of Robin Williams suicide. My heart sank and felt like it was wrenched apart. He was a familiar face, someone I had been a massive fan of all my life. Memories from childhood of popcorn, movies & laughter; his hilarious persona, warmth and friendly face. It stayed with me for days. I thought about it constantly and couldn’t seem to shake it. I was overwhelmed with sadness and grief over someone I didn’t know but felt a connection to. I thought to myself “how could he feel so miserable’, ‘how could he take his own life’, ‘how did people not know and come to his aid’. To be completely honest, this was the first time in my life where I thought about the reality of death. I found myself so deeply and profoundly touched by this tragic event. I had never really been here before, at this level of pondering the meaning of life and dying.

I started to think about death from the moment I woke and could hardly sleep at night. I thought about the plane that went missing earlier in the year. I kept my eyes on all the news. Little William Tyrell went missing and all of a sudden I was surrounded by all the horrific things that were taking place around the world. I started having panic attacks and night sweats out of my control. Frozen with fear. I felt anxious about everything. Driving down the Wakehurst Parkway had now become a nightmare and filled me with dread. I noticed every tribute and cross placed along the road where there had been fatalities. The panic inside me was so real and so dominating. I dwelled on how people had died and how their families must have felt and I would get completely overcome with worry about my children. I was so gripped by fear, I didn’t want to go anywhere or do anything. Small daily tasks felt heavy and overbearing. I didn’t know how to cope. My health was up in the air and I didn’t want to go there, I didn’t want to know what was wrong. I was so afraid that I was terminally ill as that was my frame of mind and a scenario I had already constructed in my head. My world felt like it was crumbling around me. My honeymoon to NZ was around the corner. I felt more and more anxious and more and more paralysed by fear as the date got closer. I was going to be leaving my kids for 6 long days. The smallest details about the trip bothered me. I pulled up the flight path on my maps at least 10 times a day to look at the journey over the ocean. Why did it have to be a 3 hour flight? What if our flight went missing? What if I never saw my kids again. It was all too consuming.

Ash had been supporting me the best way he could. He was super encouraging and really tried to understand but when I looked at him, I knew, he didn’t get it. How could he. I could not share the extent to which the fear had gripped me. I had to tell him that it was impossible for me to go on the honeymoon. At last a tiny moment - a deeper fear that outweighed the storm I was facing - a fear of upsetting or disappointing him. He said he understood and that we could take the trip at another time but as I looked into my partners eyes, I faced a minute glimpse of reality. I was more afraid of hurting him.

Having never gone through anything like this before, I decided to open up and talk about it with my mum. After letting it all out and hearing myself talk about it, I felt more at ease. She too, shared a time when she had had a similar experience of fear when she had to leave us in South Africa when she had to fly to Australia to check it out before we immigrated.This made me feel worlds better about the trip. Enough to call Ash and say that we would definitely go. She expressed that what had helped her was prayer and knowing that fear was a spiritual attack. 

My nightmare was far from over. Facing the almost unbearable torture that was my mind, I got to New Zealand, trembling the whole way. I remember thinking as we landed ‘ok so I didn’t die on the way here, maybe I’ll die on the way back!’ Much of the trip is a blur and as much as I hate to admit it to my husband, a horrible experience that was endured from start to finish in terror regardless of the most beautiful surroundings. We were road tripping from the top to the bottom of the South Island over 5 days and every time I got in the car, I was petrified. I won’t go into how tough the whole trip was as you can already imagine. I was losing the fight against my thoughts. No matter how hard I fought, with what felt like vengeance, they hounded me further. On our final day, we were travelling to our last destination before flying home when we were stopped by police only to hear that there had been a fatality on the road just ahead and we were redirected. A young female tourist had been speeding and had lost control of her vehicle. I don’t have to tell you what a mess I became. This was now a war and I was on a battlefield.

The flight home was agony. My head was screaming ‘you are going to die’ ‘you are never going to see your family again’ all the way!!!! We experienced turbulence which resulted in a longer flight time and I can tell you that in those moments, I wanted to die to escape the panic. We didn’t hear from the captain to let us know that we were behind schedule so in my mind, I had already created a whole scene and decided we were going missing, the pilot was taking us far out to sea and that was that. We were going to be another MH370.

Ash comforted me as much as humanly possible. I still don’t know how he was so chill.

When we landed all I could think about was seeing my kids faces. I had survived and all I wanted to do was hold them.

The onslaught of torment continued. I’ll fast forward to the Martin Place siege in December. Well, apart from it being the most horrible thing to witness (I was glued to the television all day) my two brothers were working within a few hundred metres of the building where the siege took place. Just a bit too close to home. Just one more traumatic event that stays with me even now.

I wanted to draw a picture for you with real stories and examples of how anxiety and fear can spiral out of control and come out of, what seems, nowhere. Pinpointing exactly or being 100% certain about the initial development of the fear & anxiety for people who suffer with it can be very difficult. There are many triggers. Mainly physical and emotional trauma. Looking at my circumstances at the time and on reflection, I believe I know how it all unravelled. My body was under immense physical stress with sickness that I was yet to know about and I had unresolved emotions about a previous traumatic relationship. These underlying issues, I feel must have played a part. The sadness that came from learning about the death of a great man was enough to tip me over the edge and caused a reaction. Our mind is so powerful and we only have to lose control over our thoughts for a small amount of time for it to run away with us captive to it.

Healing my mind only commenced when I decided I had had enough and that I wasn’t going to let this thing beat me. I remember having to say it to myself. Like ‘that is enough Erin, you are tougher than this.’

That was honestly my first step forward. My second step was writing about it which became it’s own kind of therapy. When I wrote about it and read it out aloud, it seemed so silly and far fetched, almost like I was reading about someone else. It dawned on me how it had evolved and how I had allowed myself without really knowing it at the time, to get carried away with these ugly thoughts. I had made choices to watch tv, listen to news and create in my mind, a reality of darkness and gloom. Looking at it from a distance really helped me see it in the light. Writing about it saved me and spun me in a different direction. It allowed me to breathe again and opened a tiny gateway, a space for new thinking. Little by little, I started to feel myself again. I wrote and wrote until the big yucky things in my mind became so small on paper. I had to write that I accepted the fact that I was not in control of my fate or the fate of loved ones. I had to come to terms with the fact that horrific things happen in the world and I can’t change that.

I was faced with mortality and the terrible truths of life and decided I was going to be okay with it all. I realised I had grown even further (down a road of healing and toward recovery) for having been through this ‘attack’ and saw that the healing process from my previous relationship with a psychopath was still underway (Mind matters). I decided I was going to learn from this experience and knew in my heart that there was a reason, that I was going to get to really understand the importance of and how powerful my mind, my thoughts, the way I perceive myself and my self worth are in making or breaking me. And now I do. I trust me to be in charge of my mind and take control of my thoughts when they are not serving me. I have continued to study and learn about the mind and our ability to transform our thinking and therefore, our emotions. I recognised that this battlefield of my mind was preparation for the next one I was going to face. The journey of restoring my health.

[srnevergivesup]

Acceptance, acceptance and acceptance

Since I've signed up to this dating site a lot of my fears came up: I am afraid to meet yet another unavailable person. I am afraid of being hurt, rejected/ abondonned and neglected. I am scared of trusting. I am scared of not being able to manage my Codependent Love Addiction and being overwhelmes by my childhood trauma.

It is only a few days ago that I finally accepted that I was unavailable. Just holding on to unavailble people makes me unavailable!!! I was in denial about it because admitting it is facing another damage from the abuse. I felt ashamed and silly. So I reminded myself that there was/ is nothing wrong with me:the abuse is what was wrong. I felt better after that. And yes, it is another damage from the abuse, but the shame isn't mine.

So, what makes me unavailable? All the fears I wrote about above. I decided to take all of this to my Buddhist altar. Acceptance is the key. I am aware of my fears and now it is time for me accept how I feel - how my Inner childs feels. Feeling bad about feeling scared isn't going to help me!!

Darlene Ouimet explains on her blog, Emerging From Broken, that ,as adults, we think we are (re) experiencing the trauma and trying to deal with the trauma (and its impact) from an adult point of view, when really it is still the Inner Child who deals with and feels all the fears and the pain... This is why it is so important to have love, patience and compasssion toward ourselves/ Inner Child while we are struggling. I learned to validate myself. It is still a process, especially when denial is still protecting me. I tell myself: "Of course you are going to be scared and you want to protect yourself: you have been through so much. You are not a bad person for feeling and behaving this way. We will figure it out."

Since I started listening to my Inner Child, I do more things that I enjoy and that are good for my (emotional and physical) wellbeing. I am loving myself more and I am taking better care of myself too. I feel the love that is available from my loving and caring friends and from the universe. Is till have some anxiety but the way I manage has changed.

I am reading Natalie Lue's book: Mister Unavailable and The Fallback Girl,her advice applies not just about "straight" relationships, it applies to all.

I saw myself a lot in this book. It made me think: "So why do I always feel like I need to stay no matter what? When I am not happy? When I am not treated with Love, care and respect? Why do I try so hard to love them into recovery?" I chanted about it and these things came up:

1- My Inner Child is still trying to get Mum and Dad to love her. She is still craving their love and has been looking for their love in others who, unfortunately always reflected my Mother/ my Father and or my Uncle. I tried to make them love me. As a child, I had no choice but to stay, I couldn't go anywhere... As an adult, once I meet someone, I always forgot that I can leave if I am not happy.

2- Separations are traumatic for me. It always bring up so much pain that I did anthing to stay!! So I held on. When the separation did happen, I always try to reconnect by making things happen, because the pain was too overwhelming. I used to feel weak for never being able to let go. I didn'tunderstand where the pain came from. I feel it is quite understandable for my Inner Child to be scared of separation as she was constantly abandonned and left alone in total fear. Now I understand my pain. Now accept this about myself. I feel it will be easier to manage in the sense that I will be able to take better care of myself. If a connection doesn't work out, I need to take a step back.

3- By staying unavailable, I am protecting myself because as much as I'd like to be in a loving and healthy relationship, it scares me. I never had that experience before and, as a child, love equalled: hurting, feeling lonely and scared. As an adult, I know this wasn't love but my Inner Child still feel this way and I need to accept her feelings so we can both move on together. I need to be patient as it might take time.

So I keep reading Natalie Lue's book and Darlene Ouimet's book - her view on trauma really resonnate with me. Her insights really helps me to understand myself better.

Link to Darlene Ouimet's website - you can purchase her book to download on her site. emergingfrombroken.com/

Link to Natalie Lue's book: www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/my-books/mr-unavailable-and-the-fallback-girl-book-one/

Thank you for reading.

Sylvie

[lsaraypritchart-blog]

A Collection of notes from Wednesday Artist Talks.

Assemble 28/09/2016

http://assemblestudio.co.uk/ https://www.theguardian.com/artanddesign/2015/nov...  

Turner Prize Winners 2015 Assemble are a collective based in London who work across the fields of art, architecture and design. They began working together in 2010 and are comprised of 18 members. Assemble’s working practice seeks to address the typical disconnection between the public and the process by which places are made. Assemble champion a working practice that is interdependent and collaborative, seeking to actively involve the public as both participant and collaborator in the on-going realisation of the work. Petrol Station to Cinema, 2010  - learn and teach each other Material experimentation  - project and music space 'The right to the city is far more than the individual liberty to access urban resources: it is a right to change ourselves by changing the city. It is, moreover, a common rather than an individual right since this transformation inevitably depends upon the exercise of a collective power to reshape the processes of urbanization. The freedom to make and remake our cities and ourselves is, I want to argue, one of the most precious yet most neglected of our human rights.' David Harvey. Baltic Street Adventure Playgroud, Glasgow  - Space for children and they have complete control 

- Being a tool to create someone else's vision South Liverpool, Granby Workshop - planning and growing stuff in the street - CLT - Community Land Trust - design houses, open ended - turning house into garden space/art space - residential space, community space   - giving back to the community and local people - product development, testing out new processes - trying to make practical things but playing around   - recording mistakes when they happen - taking the positives away from the negatives   - processing and shaping

After listening to the Assemble talk I decided that there was certain parts of their work that I partially liked. I enjoyed seeing the Petrol Station that had been changed into a Cinema. I think this was a great use of an old petrol station as it makes it more modern and gives back to the community. I enjoy the aspect of Assemble's work as their main focuses are on giving back to the community and giving people and the audience more control of the piece and the outcome. This to me is a good idea as it changes the vision of the finished piece. It goes from being a representation of what you wanted to being interpenetrated to what and how someone else would represent it instead. That is what art is all about. Taking something that is a representation of something else or someone else's idea and representing it in a different way that is it the same thing but different. I am also interested in the way Assemble focus on product development, they test out new processes in order to try and make practical things however, they are still just playing around and record when mistakes happen, this is an important factor in art from my view as it shows that it is important to fail and that mistakes happen. We use them as a learning curve during our process to develop and strengthen it.

Stuart Bertolotti Bailey – 05/10/2016

Graphic designer – 20years, fields cross over: film, lit, fine art. The Serving Library – 35 Water Street Liverpool. Dot, Dot, Dot Journal; started as Graphic Design, open to change. Journal serious and funny, text heavy but not academic writing. Had to try and find ways to trick people into writing. Instead of writing about subject, did demonstrations of it, issue 9 of Dot, Dot, Dot. Small, after hours organisation. Hit a wall, needed funding. Published list at back of cover of who owed money and how much. – had a positive approach. Gallery in Switzerland, experimental, unusual thing. 3 weeks working in space. Asked for money in advance. Based on essay, piece called ‘Use Me Up’ we are always switched on and waiting to work. Cover of 20th issues, painting, self reflective issue about its history, painting serving as its own palette. Frame of grey spells grey. www.servinglibrary.org Journal too comfortable, not active enough, context and contains become expected. make something more visual, Dot, Dot, Dot -> Serving Library engine room of the whole project. Same physical format and writing. Published PDF’s, free downloads. Still published physically. No order, equal to each other online. Bulletins of the serving library – house journal. Jacques Derrida, 12inch record cover. Not artwork (album cover). Wall in Portugal. All original objects. Diverse objects. Active living collection, always collecting and expanding. TATE Liverpool. On the Spiritual in Art – Wassily Kandinsky.

Sophie Mackfall – 02/11/2016

Painter in London Studied in Glasgow and lived there for a while. Cultural Influence Define ourselves through occupation, productivity. Utopian movements Transcendence and abstraction SO, oil on board, 23 x 32 cm, 2011 Houpes and Quines, 20 x 30 cm, 2011 On the third attempt, collaged monoprint on newsprint, 300 x 200 cm, 2011 bigger works become about the gestures, the whole bodily movement. collage merged with paintings all linked together, communicated worked in a building shared with network rail. oddly corporate but also shambolic thanks to the university environment. concept of working for leisure, working to survive. sneaked in at the weekend to make these collages in her office. the risk of being caught, the danger, felt silly but she took it very seriously. Eat Aknar Jam 2013 the process of collaging itself. materiality. began to work with wicker. gouache on wicker and tape, 2014 a clear contour. Sophie isn’t interested in making work about anything – more about the space, the material, the way she’s thinking, not literal at all with her work.

Evan Ifekoya – 23/11/2016

http://evanifekoya.com/news/ Trauma/Transcendence/Recovery Lyric

Language big part Lyric as a medium – song/poetry 2010-2015 playful but polictical charged work. childhood – MTV, music big part of life. Work tone is differeny – similar elements. Video – Ojulowo GOA Kids TV presenter – challenge who gets these roles. Mainstream society and trauma of daily life. Song – working with format for a long time. Receive certain information through song, re learn – unlearn. Claudia Rankie ‘on lyric’ Lyric is unspoken private language. Trauma is were the self feels the self again. Lyric allows you to enter the trauma. She was the full body speaker – video 2016 Film part of larger project Radioplay over summer – focusing on the sound. What does it mean to write images than to see them. Set in past and future. Post living mourning. Glasgow – Cass Ezeji September 2016 Quote from ‘poetry, polyvocal philosophy a thought experiment’ – Jean Washington. Family and Guilt – Ebi Flo 2016

Evan Ifekoya’s current work investigates the possibility of an erotic and poetic occupation using film, performative writing and sound, focused on co-authored, intimate forms of knowledge production and the radical potential of spectacle. Ifekoya's ongoing project A Score, A Groove, A Phantom explores archives of blackness, sociality and inheritance as they diffract through queer nightlife and trauma in the present moment. The aim of which is to cultivate spaces of intimacy and belonging amongst minoritarian subjects. Ifekoya’s recent work has been presented at: Wysing Arts Centre, Cambridgeshire; Transmission Gallery, Glasgow; Serpentine Galleries, London; and Stevenson Gallery, Cape Town (2016). Recent performances include Jerwood Space, London and Whitstable Biennial 2016. Collaborative projects include Collective Creativity: Critical reflections into QTIPOC creative practice and Network11. Upcoming solo exhibitions will be take place at Embassy Gallery, Edinburgh and Rowing Projects, London in 2017. After listening to the Evan Ifekoya talk, I realised that although I might not be interested 100% in how her work is depicted as myself I would not use video or make songs, however I was very much interested and influenced by the language Ifekoya used in her songs and how personal they are. They address real life social issues such as gender and what makes someone them. I can personally relate this to my work as my work too questions social issues however ones in which are that of social media. A lot of the issues that Ifekoya uses in her work are that of which occur on social media, from a judgemental and ‘cyber bullying’ from, also known as ‘trolling’. I do like the way that Ifekoya produces work and doesn’t care what people think as this is the way in which she chooses to express herself and that is what is important.

The White Pube – 30/11/2016

http://www.thewhitepube.co.uk/ Check out their instagram too! Very social media based.. Ties in with my work very well, addresses social issues. http://www.artinliverpool.com/review-white-pube/

Jamie Crew – 07/12/2016

http://www.jamiecrewe.co.uk/

Jamie Crewe is an artist, singer and a beautiful bronze figure with a polished cocotte’s head. They use objects, moving image, print, installation and publication to make diverse works which inform each other. ‘Curdling’ is often an appropriate description of Jamie’s artistic intentions: adding a catalyst or agitation to a thing which causes it to split and transform. Forms or structures from existing cultural products are echoed, but with content that contradicts, complicates or undermines them. Pushing against their references, these works become ambivalent explorations of history, identity, community and desire. Jamie was born in Manchester, studied in Sheffield, and now lives and works in Glasgow. In February 2016 they opened their first solo show, But what was most awful was a girl who was singing, at Transmission, Glasgow, and in January 2017 they will open their second solo show, Female Executioner, at Gasworks, London. Recent group exhibitions include Enough Romance, Let's Fuck, Gabriele Senn Galerie, Vienna, (2016); Like a Floral Knife, Embassy Gallery, Edinburgh (2016); and A Camel is a Horse, Transmission, Glasgow (2016). In 2015 Jamie graduated from the Master of Fine Art course at Glasgow School of Art, for which they received a special commendation from Glasgow Sculpture Studios.

Artist/singer describes himself in odd ways, without saying anything clear or useful subtle, difficult history, identity, community, desire. work in the circle of ambivalence around these themes. from Sheffield, graduated 2009 a poster by Jamie Crew 2012 4 years trying to have a practise in Sheffield. didn’t know any other queer artists, wasn’t interested in their work. realised had to just make work for themselves worked alongside full time office job

Hardeep Pandhal – 14/12/2016

http://www.daviddalegallery.co.uk/programme/hardeep-pandhal/ https://frieze.com/article/hardeep-pandhal http://www.hardeeppandhal.com/

Born in Birmingham, Hardeep Pandhal now lives and works in Glasgow, having graduated with an MFA from the Glasgow School of Art in 2013 with the support of a Leverhulme Scholarship award. Hardeep develops non-linear, semi- autobiographical narratives though drawing, painting and sculpture. Hardeep Pandhal’s art confronts trauma with laughter. Making work that is both satirical and transgressive, Pandhal questions perceptions of British Asian identity via his personal reflections on modern British history and popular culture. He does this by drawing on the conflicting experiences of others and his own biography to create fictionalised characters and narratives, realised in drawing and collage, spoof documentaries, and handmade garments (made with the help of his mum). He was selected for Bloomberg New Contemporaries (2013), the Glasgow International Open Bursary (2013), the Catlin Art Guide (2014) and the Drawing Room Bursary Award (2015).

Lucy Clout – 25/01/2017

https://www.limoncellogallery.co.uk/artist/lucy-clout/ https://vimeo.com/lucyclout https://frieze.com/article/focus-interview-lucy-clout https://lux.org.uk/artist/lucy-clout Lucy Clout was born in Leeds in 1980 and lives and works in London. Performance and the experience of viewing performance constitute the basis of her practice. This is reflected in the production of objects, sound work, text and video. She holds a BA from Goldsmiths, an MA from RCA and is represented by Limoncello gallery in London. Alice Theobald – 01/02/2017 Alice Theobald draws upon a mixture of pop and underground cultural references as she develops multifaceted performances using music, installation, and video. Theobald’s performance and video works reference the hybrid nature of their construction through playing with the metaphorical potential of language, sound, and movement while directly addressing accepted concepts of spectacle and emotion. Theobald frequently works in collaboration with a cast of non-professional actors and performers and employs repetition as a strategy to interrogate the unstable relationship between art, communication and representation.

http://alicetheobald.blogspot.co.uk https://frieze.com/article/focus-alice-theobald https://vimeo.com/user10819813

Alice Theobald lives and works in London and graduated from the Royal Academy Schools in 2014, where she won the Gold Medal. In December 2015 Theobald had her first solo exhibition in a public museum at the BALTIC – Centre for Contemporary Art, Gateshead, UK. Theobald recently completed the first cycle of the ‘Bear Pit’ Residency at Focal Point Gallery, commissioned by Grand Union. In February of 2014 she presented I’ve said yes now, that’s it. for the Chisenhale Gallery’s Interim programme. In late 2014 Theobald completed The Future Autumn Residency at Wysing Arts Centre, Cambridgeshire; in 2013 she completed the Gasworks, London International Performance Residency. Recent performances, exhibitions, and film screenings include: The Next Step, Two Queens, Leicester (2016); Alice Theobald and Atomik Architecture, BALTIC Ryder Commission, BALTIC – Centre for Contemporary Art, Gateshead (2016); Lucy Stein & France-Lise McGurn present NEO-PAGAN BITCH-WITCH!, Evelyn Yard, London (2016); The Boys The Girls The Political, curated by Lynton Talbot and Hana Noorali, Lisson Gallery, London (2015); The Fifth Artist, Wysing Arts Centre, Cambridge (2015); Open Source, Gillett Square, London (2015); Dear Luxembourg (yours, bucktoothed grl), Nosbaum Reding Projects, Luxembourg (2015); Too Much, Two Queens, Leicester (2014); Marmalade Me, South London Gallery, London (2014); I’ve said yes now, that’s it., Outpost, Norwich (2014); I’ve said yes now, that’s it., Chisenhale Gallery, London (2014); AFTER/HOURS/DROP/BOX, Modern Art Oxford, Oxford (2013), Spike Island, Bristol (2014); Young London, V22, London (2013); They Keep Putting Words In My Mouth! An Operetta of Sorts, Pilar Corrias, London (2013); Situation|Event, Gasworks, London (2013); Stage Night, The Horse Hospital, London (2013); 6th Tropical Lab, ICA, Singapore (2012).

Dancehall – 01/03/2017

psykickdancehallrecordings.com Psykick Dancehall is a collaboration between Hannah Ellul and Ben Knight that emerged from an involvement in underground experimental music in the UK. Initially based around a label and events, it has subsequently expanded to incorporate other activities exploring sound and aural experience, including publications, performances and exhibitions - often in collaboration with different artists along the way.

At the moment, we are particularly interested in acts of listening and how they inflect the ways we negotiate our surroundings. Most recently, we have been thinking about how forms of communication and cohabitation develop and change, and what that might suggest about the politics of listening. Sound is a bodily disturbance: listening is not an activity that allows us to put a clear distance between ourselves and things. Instead, it shapes our encounters with the places and bodies that surround us in unexpected ways. Listening might mean courting the risk of disorientation: of overhearings, mishearings and misunderstandings. Sound is a matter of physical contact, and so it involves the renegotiation of our relationship to spaces, bodies and objects. We are also interested in the relationships between sound and writing and between the page and performance. Since 2010 we have produced a publication, DANCEHALL, which has explored affinities between artists from different fields working in very different ways with sound, the voice and performance. Recent projects include an exhibition at Castlefield Gallery, Manchester (2015), where we staged an edition of DANCEHALL across objects and events within the gallery. Considering publication as a mode of production, the project explored the relationship between the page, the gallery space and live event. The ongoing relationship of writing and performance in our work was previously developed in The Speaking Machine (2013-14), a long-term project begun for the Colour Out of Space festival of experimental sound in Brighton. Taking the novel Berg by writer Ann Quin as a starting point, the work adopted a version of the novel's revenge narrative and its themes of doubles and imposters to produce a hallucinatory chorus of voices in performances and video. Other activities have included a performance at besser stranger noch festival, Arthur Boskamp-Stiftung, Hamburg (2015); contributing to the Superwoofer event, Matts Gallery, London (2015) and the exhibition Writing Sound 2, Lydgalleriet, Bergen (2014); and unsmoothmaking, an exhibition and performances at Transmission Gallery, Glasgow (2013); and Lothringer_13 Laden, Munich (2012/13).

Daniel Rourke – 08/03/2017

The 3D additivist manifesto &a cookbook Morehshin Allahyari and Daniel Rourke

More of a writer than an artist Research methodology Stories

Additivism.org/LJMU

3D printing Status and identity Political questions Trumps shutdown of 6 countries, closing boarders Disconnected from both homelands, couldn't go back

Dark Matter 2014/15 Surrealism Banned objects blended together Juxtapositions Questioning boundaries and crossing them Breach boundaries, formal political boundaries

Cody Wilson, The Liberator 2013 Gun fires one bullet and then breaks Prohibited to own the Digital file Gun legislation

Boris Groys    

Megumi Igarashi - good for nothing girl 'I want my vagina to travel around the world' Work was considered 'pop art' by court

Golan Levin with F.A.T. Lab + Sy-Lab 2012 Free universal construction kit Connect different toy systems together e.g. Lego with Connect

Additive process Use many different materials Toys to limbs using the same technology Produce drugs and chemicals

Donna Haraway, A Manifesto for Cyborgs: Science, Technology and Socialist Feminism in the 1980s 1983/85

Caroline Achaintre – 22/03/2017 Caroline Achaintre (born Toulouse, 1969) spent her formative years in Germany studying Fine Art at Kunsthochschule in Halle/Saale (1996-98), with her postgraduate Studies in Fine Art and Combined Media at Chelsea College of Art & Design, London (1998-2000) and a MA in Fine Art at Goldsmiths College, London (2001-03). She trained as a blacksmith before coming to London, where she now lives and works. Recent solo exhibitions include those at BALTIC Centre for Contemporary Art, Gateshead, UK (2016); TATE Britain, London (2015-15); Castello di Rivoli, Turin, IT (2015-16) and currently at FRAC Champagne-Ardenne, Riems, FR until April 2017. Her works were also part of the recent British Art Show (2015-16).

Dawn Mellor – 08/04/2017 

http://www.studiovoltaire.org/exhibitions/archive/dawn-mellor/ http://www.hungertv.com/feature/the-interview-dawn-mellor/ http://visualarts.britishcouncil.org/collection/artists/mellor-dawn-1970

In her images Dawn Mellor (born 1970 in Manchester, lives and works in London) deconstructs the interactive structure of the cult of celebrity – which appears in our culture to have been elected as a substitute for religion – by means of black humour fabricating a relationship between star and his/her believer, the fan. In so doing the artist herself frequently takes the role of an obsessed follower. Through a frequently self-chosen “painterly” role Mellor destroys the moral codes communicated through mass entertainment vouching for a deliberated immorality. Whereby in the face of the obsessive image worlds the question is also continually asked about the actual standardised taste of the observer and its verification. Mellor’s painting style is simultaneously fed by surrealism, the colourfulness of Pop Art and the intentional bad taste of a Joe Coleman. In her first institutional presentation in Switzerland the painter is to exhibit amongst other works, the 120 part portrait cycle Vile Affections (2007–2008) as well as numerous new large-scale works, drawings and a wall painting. The delusional fan or stalker as they are also called, that can no longer leave the object of his/her desire alone, is a figure that has already taken a firm place in Mellor’s works. The starting point for her paintings is formed throughout by celebrities and stars, idols and icons of the most various fields and eras. They frequently undergo a grotesque deconstruction, the narrative of which she contextualises anew and furnishes with a new symbolism and iconography. The artist herself takes on various stalker roles and makes distinct to which of various functions the star can be assigned: as family member, lover, enemy or object of delinquent sexuality. The painting and drawing that emerges from this fictive role giving is a performative painting concept which also produces an intellectual distance between subject and object.