#Bagagereclaim

[srnevergivesup]

Discovering and accepting myself.

This year, I want to be myself more than I have ever been before without ever again apologising about who I am . It took me so long to realise that I was bi-sexual and I want to experience this part of me that has been in the dark for so long so,a week ago, I decided to subscribe on a Lesbian dating site.

I remember the first time I had strong emotions for a girl. I was a teenager and she was my best friend in class. I told her how I felt about her but she didn't feel the same way. I was devastated. She stayed friend with me. I kept telling her I loved and asking her if she felt the same. Our friendship deteriorated and somehow the entire school knew I was "gay". People were looking at me and shouted "Lesbo!!" Lesbian in French. I was bullied constantly until I changed school.

So it wasn't something I wanted to explore further. It is something I tried not to share with my male partneres for fear of having to listen to childish fantasies: "Are you a lesbian?? Can I watch? Can we have a threesome? So you have sex with women?"

All my romantic relationships were with men. Everythime I was single, I wondered if I should go with a woman but I was very seldom single and got swept away in another disastrous relationship after another - my desire to have a relationship with a woman forgotten.

I had other crushes but they were taken or emotionally unavailable. Same pattern as with the men in my life!! I was really confused everytime I felt something for a woman. "Am I gay? But I always end up with men!!" I only saw it as I am straight or gay... Then, talking with my close friend M, I was able to express these feelings of attraction towards women. M is bi and this is by talking to her that I discovered something that me sense to me: bisexuality!!! Being friend with people who love and support me ,just I am, has helped me to accept my sexuality. I finally felt safe to talk about it.

So I decided to go on this dating site. I haven't been on it every day. I try not to get sucked in. Been there, done that. I only send a message to someone if she feels right. I listen carefully to my "gut" feeling/ intuition, how my body responds. I also read Natalie Lue's Tips for Online dating on Bagage Reclaim. I love this woman, she is amazing. I only signed up for a month to see how it goes first. I really don't put pressure on myself. AND if I don't meet anyone within a month? Well, I will have a break from it and enjoy my life as I am now.

Natalie Lue's tips: www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?s=tips+for+online+dating

Check it out it is a great read.

Please feel free to get in touch in order to share your own experiences of bullying because of your sexuality as well as what is fabulous about being you.

Take care Sylvie

[srnevergivesup]

Acceptance, acceptance and acceptance

Since I've signed up to this dating site a lot of my fears came up: I am afraid to meet yet another unavailable person. I am afraid of being hurt, rejected/ abondonned and neglected. I am scared of trusting. I am scared of not being able to manage my Codependent Love Addiction and being overwhelmes by my childhood trauma.

It is only a few days ago that I finally accepted that I was unavailable. Just holding on to unavailble people makes me unavailable!!! I was in denial about it because admitting it is facing another damage from the abuse. I felt ashamed and silly. So I reminded myself that there was/ is nothing wrong with me:the abuse is what was wrong. I felt better after that. And yes, it is another damage from the abuse, but the shame isn't mine.

So, what makes me unavailable? All the fears I wrote about above. I decided to take all of this to my Buddhist altar. Acceptance is the key. I am aware of my fears and now it is time for me accept how I feel - how my Inner childs feels. Feeling bad about feeling scared isn't going to help me!!

Darlene Ouimet explains on her blog, Emerging From Broken, that ,as adults, we think we are (re) experiencing the trauma and trying to deal with the trauma (and its impact) from an adult point of view, when really it is still the Inner Child who deals with and feels all the fears and the pain... This is why it is so important to have love, patience and compasssion toward ourselves/ Inner Child while we are struggling. I learned to validate myself. It is still a process, especially when denial is still protecting me. I tell myself: "Of course you are going to be scared and you want to protect yourself: you have been through so much. You are not a bad person for feeling and behaving this way. We will figure it out."

Since I started listening to my Inner Child, I do more things that I enjoy and that are good for my (emotional and physical) wellbeing. I am loving myself more and I am taking better care of myself too. I feel the love that is available from my loving and caring friends and from the universe. Is till have some anxiety but the way I manage has changed.

I am reading Natalie Lue's book: Mister Unavailable and The Fallback Girl,her advice applies not just about "straight" relationships, it applies to all.

I saw myself a lot in this book. It made me think: "So why do I always feel like I need to stay no matter what? When I am not happy? When I am not treated with Love, care and respect? Why do I try so hard to love them into recovery?" I chanted about it and these things came up:

1- My Inner Child is still trying to get Mum and Dad to love her. She is still craving their love and has been looking for their love in others who, unfortunately always reflected my Mother/ my Father and or my Uncle. I tried to make them love me. As a child, I had no choice but to stay, I couldn't go anywhere... As an adult, once I meet someone, I always forgot that I can leave if I am not happy.

2- Separations are traumatic for me. It always bring up so much pain that I did anthing to stay!! So I held on. When the separation did happen, I always try to reconnect by making things happen, because the pain was too overwhelming. I used to feel weak for never being able to let go. I didn'tunderstand where the pain came from. I feel it is quite understandable for my Inner Child to be scared of separation as she was constantly abandonned and left alone in total fear. Now I understand my pain. Now accept this about myself. I feel it will be easier to manage in the sense that I will be able to take better care of myself. If a connection doesn't work out, I need to take a step back.

3- By staying unavailable, I am protecting myself because as much as I'd like to be in a loving and healthy relationship, it scares me. I never had that experience before and, as a child, love equalled: hurting, feeling lonely and scared. As an adult, I know this wasn't love but my Inner Child still feel this way and I need to accept her feelings so we can both move on together. I need to be patient as it might take time.

So I keep reading Natalie Lue's book and Darlene Ouimet's book - her view on trauma really resonnate with me. Her insights really helps me to understand myself better.

Link to Darlene Ouimet's website - you can purchase her book to download on her site. emergingfrombroken.com/

Link to Natalie Lue's book: www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/my-books/mr-unavailable-and-the-fallback-girl-book-one/

Thank you for reading.

Sylvie