srnevergivesup

[srnevergivesup]

Here is my new blog entry on Winter Turns Into Spring - a website for male and female survivors/victims of Child Sexual Abuse

Love&Light Sylvie

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The Grooming Process In Child Sexual Abuse

Here my new blog entry from Winter Turns Into Spring - a website for male and female survivors of CSA and Incest.

http://www.winterturnsintospring.co.uk/Grooming/ChildSexualAbuse

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This is the latest blog enty on my website: Winter Turns Into Spring.

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Feeling and Grieving Our Losses - Sex and our Bodies

http://www.winterturnsintospring.co.uk/SexandOurBodies

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New blog entries on Winter Turns Into Spring!

When we were sexually abuse as children, we missed out on a lot of things like a loving mother, a safe place to go home to, our innocence, an happy childhood, our sanity etc... The list is really long. A lot of things have been stolen from us too. There are so many things adults survivors need to feel and grieve. It is a painful process and it feels rather lonely.

For the next few weeks I am going to focus on the things we lost as victims and survivors of incest/ child sexual abuse and on the grieving process.

In this fourth instalment of "Feeling And Grieving Our Losses", I write about The Dysfunctional Family. You will also find links to the first three instalments: Grief, The Unloving Mather and The Absent Father. Thank you for reading. Sylvie

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Check out my new website!!

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Hypervigilance is one effect of child sexual abuse. It leaves us sleepless, restless, moody, exhausted and always on edge. In this entry, I share my own expereince and understanding of hypervigilance and the impact it as on us, survivors of child sexual abuse/ incest.

Sylvie

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We mostly associate grief when someone close to us dies but, there are so many other instances when we can experience the cycle of grief, such as the loss of a job, a romantic relationship breaking apart, losing a home or the end of a friendship.

When we were sexually abuse as children, we missed out on a lot of things like a loving mother, a safe place to go home to, our innocence, an happy childhood, our sanity, our virginity ... The list is really long. A lot of things have been stolen from us too. There are so many things adults survivors need to feel and grieve. It is a painful process and it feels rather lonely.

[srnevergivesup]

AS I mentioned recently, I now have a website: Winter Turns Into Spring. Its aim is to share my experience as a survivor of child sexual abuse and incest, in order to raise awareness about sexual abuse and its impact on victims and survivors. I also want to show that there is hope.

Find below, the link to my first blog entry. Feel free to brwose the website: read my story and my reovery poems, find useful resources for survivors services in the UK, share and participate in dialogues...

I'd love to hear from you.

http://www.winterturnsintospring.co.uk/my-first-blog-post

http://www.winterturnsintospring.co.uk

[srnevergivesup]

Thank you for sharing and for the messages x

[srnevergivesup]

New website and new blog

Hello, after weeks of hard work here is my website and my new blog, please check it out x

http://www.winterturnsintospring.co.uk/my-first-blog-post

[srnevergivesup]

Life, death and everything in between

My cat died two weeks ago. Suffice to say that he was more than a pet to me. He was that loving and cheeky living being who brought so much joy in my life, especially during my most challenging days. He got suddenly sick and died two days later at the young of 1 year and an half. It was a shock.

It reminded me that life is forever changing: in matter of seconds a chain of events occurs and there is nothing to stop it.

There has been a lot of grieving for me in the last two months, triggered by different losses.  A friend of mine, who was like a sister to me, just "disappeared", another I was holding on to for a few years and realised it was time to let go.

I was also grieving the love and support I never had as a child. I was grieving for the mother I never had, knowing that I will never have one. After feeling my childhood despair, loneliness and fears I finally reached a place of acceptance. Before reaching this place of acceptance I had feel my deepest pain.

I no longer see the point in waiting for my Mother's love that will never come. There was nothing I could have done to make my Mother happy.  There was nothing I could had done to make her love me. Her suffering was there long before I was born. She openly blamed me for her pain but, it really wasn't my fault. For years, I kept looking for her love with partners who all behaved the way she behaved towards me. I stayed in those unhealthy and sometimes really abusive relationships, thinking if I gave all my love to my partner, if I was compassionate and patient enough, they will change just as I did with my mother. Their pain were their own though and there was nothing I could have done to make it better for them.

I cried for Neko. It enabled me to also cry about all the other losses. I sat one day on my garden step, listening to the storm, getting wet. I took it all in and I felt it was time to stop holding on to the past.

I kept my cat indoors: there is a family of foxes regularly visiting my garden and there is still that crazy person going around places beheading and skinning pets... I thought I was protecting my pet inside but, I didn't think about sickness and death! It really shows how we have no control over life!

"This moment, this instant is important not some unknown time in the future.  Today, this very day, is what matters." "Likewise, we do not need to look for important people in a far off place [...] The most important people are those in our immediate environment right now. "

These two Buddhist guidances, by Daisaku Ikeda,  president of SGI, really touched my heart. I told my daughter how I am going to treasure the people in my life, right now. The very people who love and care for me. I told her I'll squeeze her very hard from now on, each time I see her. " What? Do you think I am going to die?" she replied. Well... no but, we don't know what is waiting for us at the end of the day, so...

We all like to think death will come later... much later! We even forget it happens all the time! We want all our relationships to last forever but, people change and grow apart, they leave. Their journey is no longer attached to ours. When life , or death challenges us, we are often very surprised!! "How did this happen?" we ask ourselves. So I will make sure I let my friends, and my daughter, know how much I love them. I no longer want to miss anything happening right now while I am busy to get something from the past I will never get.

I've been working on my Step 3 of Survivors of Sexual Abuse Anonymous ( SoSAA ) and it says:" For those of you working through the Steps, you need to come to a point of accepting that you no longer have to control your life. "

I really don't have to! I've been controlled for so many years,  by different people. I also tried to control my relationships,  my life itself! I was so unhappy and I felt and was so lonely. So, I am wiling to step back and to let the Universe within me and all around me, guide me.

I spoke with a friend about Neko and how losing him seemed to have open my heart even more. He is still giving me so much love. My friend told me:"It was his mission." It is a Buddhist concept that all living beings, especially us humans, were born in this lifetime with a unique mission only each of us get fufill, using our own unique talents. This brought tears in my eyes.

I feel blessed

Sylvie

[srnevergivesup]

Feeling useless

The other week, I had one of those days when I had nothing planned and didn't want to do anything. I tried to move thinking of a million things I could do to occupy my time. Motivation really wasn't my friend!

I felt bad. "Is it always going to be like this:  me not able to get out of bed? Am I always going to be out of work and on benefits?"

The abuse, its impact and my recovery is taking all my energy away at the moment. There are a few ideas but no energy to work on them as much as I'd like to. I was getting frustrated with my life and with myself.

The word "acceptance" popped into my head. Maybe it is time for me to accept this is how the abuse and its impact effect me, for now! It is temporary but it sure damn feel permanent.

I thought back when I gave in to the frustration and dived back into work or any voluntary project: I felt great for a month or two and then, because of trauma coming up, I needed to retreat and rest, probably because I didn't give myself time to process what needed to be processed. So this time around,  I am sitting as still as I can, with the way things are in my life, for now. It isn't easy ,especially after hearing my Mother telling me, since I was really young, how lazy and useless I've always been, faking being sicker than I was ,to get all the attention.

I don't believe that I am writer! I write this blog but dismiss it as not enough. A part of me wants me to finish and publish my book as a proof that I am real writer. I don't see what I have achieved so far and what I am doing now! There is always something more to do. I believe that no matter what I do, I will never be satisfied this my achievements.  Another baggage from my mother.

As a child nothing I did was validated. My excitence wasn't validated.  It was never good enough. I was never good enough. I didn't matter. What I did didn't matter. What was happening to me didn't matter. I was a ghost. An afterthought. It hurts like hell.

I am so glad the sun is out. I have been to the park daily, to suck up the sun before it disappears again. I had a difficult day though when I was thinking: "I shouldn't be enjoying the sun. I should be working like most people do! I am useless." I was shock that I could be so hard on myself! I had to sit with those feelings and it wasn't easy. I realised I was angry at myself for feeling sad and depressed. "Why do I always have to be miserable?" I had to remind myself it isn't about what is wrong with me but about what happened to me. I am not suffering from Depression because I am a bad person but because I was abused. "Don't be angry at yourself: you have done nothing wrong. Be angry at those who were supposed to love and care for you but didn't. "

There was this other day when the sunshine brought up lots of fun memories with a friend I used to meet to drink in the park and get silly drunk. I thought of my friend P who disappeared recently without giving any reasons. I miss her so much. This was a big loss. It still is. I felt terribly lonely. I don't feel like I have any close friends anymore. I want a friend who is present in my life. Someone to be silly with sometimes. Someone I can rely on.

I felt this was coming from my inner teenager. She suffered a lot in school being bullied and always ending up with unreliable friends. I got hurt a lot. Teenage girls can be cruel.

I am always going back to my Buddhist altar. I bring everything to the Universe. I am very honest about how I feel. My spiritual practice brings me a lot of comfort.

Sitting in the park this morning, I picked up a pen and paper to write down some guidance. "Open your heart. You just have to be willing and we will do the rest." "We"are angels and spirits guides I connect with while writing.

I went back home and chanted: "I am willing to open my heart. Show me what it is like to live my life with an open heart." It wasn't the first time I heard this guidance. Obviously, it is something hard for me to do. What does it even mean to open my heart? By being willing, I will find out. I need to trust the Universe on this one. I've felt confused and stuck before and I, somehow, always found a way forward.

[srnevergivesup]

It is an emotional and cathartic time

Trigger Warning: mention of child abuse

I think it is important I solely focus on my own recovery, right now. Why people do what they do, I might never know or fully understand. What matters is that I keep myself safe and make sure I am aware of my needs and that I work on having them met, knowing that,  in any relationships, I matter too.  How can I meet my needs? How can I make sure they aren't being put on the side in my relationships?

I feel like what I recently wrote gave the impression, to some people, I wasn't grateful, that I had forgotten about what some people did for me in the past and that I also might have forgotten about what others are going through. This couldn't be further from the truth. I remember what happened and I know what is happening. I want my friends to known that what they did for me or what they are going through: I know. I forever hold you in my heart.

The other week though, it was about ME expressing my feelings, no matter how awkward and raw I was, it was about me and my feelings. I was not pointing the finger at anyone: I was just trying to express what felt so hard to express. Yes, I was hurt and upset. The past came rushing back, after present events triggered some old emotions.  I was aware and careful (as much as I possibly could anyway) not to confused the past with the present as I didn't want to hurt anybody.  I knew the people I was really mad at were my childhood abusers.  Those are the ones who betrayed me, abandoned me and hurt me deeply.

When I was 3 years old, I was hospitalized for a muscle biopsy. My Mother told me her boss wouldn't let her visit me... For whatever reason, I was left alone. The other day, I saw myself, back then, as a little girl, being carried around in hospital by a nurse. I didn't know what was happening! No wonder I am terrified to be one in hospital.

It is becoming clearer and clearer how as a child,  my parents were too busy going through their own stuff to even care and notice when I was in emotional and in physical distress and,  sometimes, in danger. I reached out but, they always had excuses for not being the reliable and available parents they should have been. My Mother, for instance, always used the excuse of  how mistreated she had been by her parents, then she raised the single mum card: "I was all alone." Later, she added, yes, she might have been "a bit" hard on us but,  it also was our fault: we were terrible, terrible ungrateful children. All I heard throughout my childhood, were BS excuses and I am done with excuses!

This is what is playing in my head, these last few days: "You left me in emotional and in physical pain and you didn't give a shit.  I needed you so much but you weren't there. I cried and called for help but, I was left alone. Nobody cared. You were all too busy excusing your horrible behaviour, by using your past. And you also punished me for your own mistakes as well as making me believe I deserved it because I was "the crazy child."

Nethertheless now, a few days later, I feel calmer and I still feel some of my needs aren't being met,in the present time. I am praying to find a way forward within my current relatioshionships and I decided to let go of what no longer suits me. It is nobody's fault but, it is necessary. 

I get it: you meet people and form a relationship.  It might last a few weeks, months or years or even a lifetime. People change and, sometimes,  grow apart.  The growing apart is very distressing for me. I hurts me deep. Yes, I sometimes take it really personally. My first reaction to anything that feels remotely like a rejection brings up strong emotions of anger and hurt within me. It bloody hurts. I am always ready to make amends if I hurt anyone while I am hurting - not a excuse, here. (I even tend to apologize too much!!)

I was seeking some sort of validation from others as a way to validate my painful expereince. I decided to give it to myself: it was awful, you were alone, struggling at each breath and scared.  I am experiencing a lot of emotional and visual flashbacks. When I was sick with the Flu, I could barely eat and lost some weight. Since then, because of stress and anxiety, I find it hard to eat: planning a meal, going shopping and cooking are very difficult at the moment.

I was chanting a couple of days ago and remembered having a burn upper lip after my uncle forced me to eat just boiled instant mash... Meal times were terrorizing and always a time for more abuse. Now I understand why food is something I easily forgot when I am experiencing trauma.

Something I haven't yet shared: that day, 3 weeks ago, in Lewisham Hospital, I ended up outside of A&E, crying and screaming my emotional pain. I sat in a corner, outside the hospital for a few minutes, sobbing my heart out. Someone tried to give me advice but, it really wasn't the time!! I finally got up and got myself home. The journey back is still a blur. Once in my flat, I closed the door and ignored my phone for a few hours. I was done with people, in general. I didn't want to hear anything from anyone, for a few hours. I could barely "keep it together" at this point.

I don't have a family, so, yes, I have to rely on the few close friends I have. As my physical health sent me to A&E on a regular basis, I feel I have to rely on my friends a bit more too. It scares me to rely on my friends as I know sometimes, life happens and gets in the way or people grow apart. It makes me feel very vulnerable.

I cry a lot at the moment: I am lovingly sitting with my two inner children (one small child and a teenager) and feel everything there is to feel.

The small child  is the one who wants to be loved so much! She is caring and loving. When she loves a friend or a partner, she does it with her entire being. She will be her for her friends no matter what because she knows what it is like to be alone, scared and in pain. My love addiction and codependency tendencies come from her. Its ok. She did what she needed to do to survive. We are learning to do things differently.  We have come a long way. She also hates sex and she doesn't want it at all. That is fine too!

The teenager is the one with the anger but she finds it hard to express it as it scares her: there was a lot of violent anger at home. She feels bad when she is angry. If someone hurts her, she will retreat a bit trying to find out what to do with this anger and the hurt she feels. If she loses trust in someone, she will take a step back and tread carefully. She will let people know how she feels when she is ready. She is passionate about the world and wants to fight for the most vulnerable because she knows what it feels like to be treated unfairly.

I am spending a lot of time with them. I hear them and feel them so clearly! I was asking myself:" How do I meet my own needs?" Well, it starts with listening to myself/ inner children. I need to validate their feelings and experiences,  past and present.

My life is changing from the inside out. It takes me great vulnerability and great strength at the same time.

Sylvie 

[srnevergivesup]

Am I a victim or a survivor?

I had a good discussion the other night about the use of the words "victim" and "survivor".

Some people are too ready to judge others as one or the other. There is a lot "victim" of shaming and bashing in therapy, self help, spiritual and religious circles . There is this idea that only survivors are strong and able to achieve certain milestones on the healing journey.

I think it is nobody's business where I am on my healing journey, as long as I don't hurt myself or others. Nobody has to right to label me and my behaviour as me being in "victim mode" or "survivor mode."

Actually,  "victim" and survivor " are each side of the same coin. One is linked to the other.  BOTH need to be fully acknowledged, accepted, loved and validated. BOTH co- exists and it is natural that they do so.

Recently,  I had to be really honest with myself: I've never felt truly happy,  in my life.  I've never seen myself as this amazing woman my friends see in me, who achieved so much in my life.

How could I? I was sexually abused as a toddler. My Mother and Father didn't protect me. On the contrary, they neglected me and abused me some more.

Maybe,  I pretended to be happy while working things out, layer by layer because I wanted to fit in with all the other happy, thriving survivors out there. "Look at me, I've been through all this shit but, I am moving on with a big smile."

At what expense though?  At the expense of my own healing, self acceptance and self love.

Well, I have enough.  I am feeling unhappy and I am struggling to see how great I am, not because I am a failure or stuck in victim mode, as people like to say but,  because I was abused.  This abuse then was minimized by others and by myself.

I've been working on my Survivor of Sexual Abuse Anonymous Step 1.

" We admitted that we were powerless over the abuse, the effects of the abuse had on us, and that our lives had become unmanageable. "

There is no more minimizing anything with Step 1. I need to acknowledge how terrifying, lonely and painful it was back then and ,I need to acknowlege how the abuse still impacts my life, in traumatizing ways. There is no quick fix either.  It is a life long journey.

Working Step 1 brings up a lot of emotional flashback. My health isn't good at the moment and I recently been through some tough times where I felt terrified, alone and in emotional pain.

Because of this, I feel it is time for me to get real about what is really going on for me, now more than ever. I don't care if some think I am indeed a victim or behave like one. Guess what:  I was a victim and unless I fully accept her and love this part of me who is still suffering within me NOW, I will never enjoy being a survivor.

Being a survivor doesn't mean I don't feel angry, sad or hurt anymore. It doesn't mean I am perfect and tick all the " survivor" boxes some people have created. I am a human being after all. Just by surviving the abuse and being here on this planet, against all odds, I AM a survivor. This can no longer be minimized by others and by myself.

Sylvie

Check the website: Survivors of Sexual Abuse Anonymous - SoSAA - www.sosaa.org.uk

©sylvierouhani2018

[srnevergivesup]

One breath at the time

"Nam Myoho Renge Kyo is like the roar of a lion, therefore what sickness can be an obstacle? " The Writings of Nichiren Daishonin - SGI As I chant about my mental and physical health, I do so with this passage of Buddhist guidance in my head, and my heart. My prayer is to my health together with my friends and my daughter's health. "We are lionesses roaring at the face of illnesses." I am going through some challenges with my physical health,  on top of my ongoing mental health challenges and it's tough. 2018 wants to kick my arse! Recently, I feel like I am not heard. I have a Muscular Dystrophy which trigger mild to severe breathing difficulties. I arrived in A&E twice this year because of my breathing. Twice, I brought with my medical files to show that there is definitely a link between the MD and the breathing challenges. I am send home with the advice to just come back if I am struggling again. It is not easy to go to A&E these days though. It is even harder to get an ambulance. The other day, I was so pissed off, I decided to chant like a roaring lioness fighting for her health. "My life is precious, I am precious and I will get the best care I deserve and I will get it NOW." My consultant referred me to the Chest Clinic back in January but I didn't hear anything from them. Since January,  my breathing difficulties increased in frequency and in severity.  Catching the flu, last week, send me in hospital for a few hours. Back home, I left a message to my consultants secretary. We later spoke and she gave me the numbers for me to chase the Chest Clinic up. When I did, I was transferred to 3 different people who didn't know what was going on with my referral. I hung up, angry. I left a firm message to the secretary demanding she chased this up for me and gets me an appointment ASAP. This is when I turned to my Gohonzon (Buddhist altar that represents my life, I chant in front of)  Enough was enough. On Tuesday, I went to the hospital for Hydrotherapy.  It turned out, I didn't have a session that day so, I decided to found out what was going on with my referral. I was determined to be heard and to get this appointment. I went to the Chest Clinic. I was then directed to the special respiratory Lane Fox Unit, where I was told my referral has been up in the air as it wasn't yet decided which unit was best for me. I explained how my symptoms got worse since the referral and how I was struggling. The receptionists decided to take immediate action. The next day, I was called to book an appointment, at the Lane Fox Unit. I feel relieved... I just hope that I don't get a "bad" day before this appointment, as it will be quite late in April. I am proud of my determination and my victory in my prayer and in the action I took but, fighting when I have very little emotional and physical energy is hard. It leaves me exhausted and feeling rather "blue". It really is one breath at the time!