chokingonthewords

[chokingonthewords]

OK it's annoying as fuck to have multiple blogs on the same account, because them when I go back to aimlessly scrolling, and thoughtlessly reblogging, I have to actually PAY ATTENTION to which blog I'm reblogging to. Why even. This is supposed to be a mindless activity.

[chokingonthewords]

one thing working in museum taught me is that you can have as many signs & as many explanations as you so wish people still will not read. "it's not clear at all on your website!!!" it sooo so is i promise my colleague was even kind enough to color-code the tabs & add a little image that shows what "group" means. my sister in the allmother's wide arms you might just be dumbfuck stupid. and mean and entitled as well. at your big age.

[chokingonthewords]

An adaptation of Sherlock Holmes set in a world in which the fictional character/literary juggernaut Sherlock Holmes, and all the subsequent adaptations thereof, still exist.

Sherlock Holmes (pronounced Holl-mess, as he is constantly reminding people) just had the misfortune of having parents who really liked the books, and his attitude towards his fictional counterpart is pretty much the same as that of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.

Sherlock runs a Youtube Theory channel called Mysteries Unwrapped with Sherlock Holmes. He has received no less than seven cease and desist letters from the Conan Doyle estate, all of which he has so faded managed to rebuff by pointing out that that's literally his name.

(No he won't change his name. He's Sherlock Holmes the real live human person. Let Sherlock Holmes the non existent fictional character change his name.)

John is Sherlock's flatmate. Sherlock almost refused to live with him once he realised that it would mean staying with a medical student named John, and only gave in once John pointed out that: a) he's a biomedical student, which is completely different from an md, and b) his surname isn't Watson.

It's now been three years, which is long enough for them to have developed a genuine friendship, and for John to have a) started working towards his PhD in biotechnology, and b) for him to start dating somebody with the surname Watson.

Sherlock can feel the narrative closing in.

His Youtube channel is meant to be focused on lost media, fan theories and stuff like that, but he keeps accidentally stumbling upon and then solving genuine crimes.

His brother Mycroft may or may not have chosen that name after he transitions specifically to annoy him.

He doesn't even live in London, but somehow the only flat they could afford was on a street named fucking Baker Street.

Sherlock Holmes and the Unescapable Power of the Narrative.

[chokingonthewords]

Sick list of symptoms bro. Now try humanizing your behavior instead of pathologizing it.

[chokingonthewords]

I'm so tired. Like, I need to go to the grocery store, but I'm way too tired to do that. I'm too tired to do anything. If you're so tired, you might say, why don't you go to bed early? Ah, that is the question. Because I don't want to? I want to keep reading my little fic, because it's the only thing that fills my empty soul with any warmth lately. But I'm afraid that I'll keep doing that way last my bedtime, again, because I'm so tired it makes me feel extra empty, so I keep chasing the feeling of emotional fullness I get from fic, long past the point where it would make sense to stop.

And anyway, I'm taking a break from the fic at the moment because the characters are having an emotionally charged conversation involving hurt feelings and I couldn't handle it for a bit, but I'm going back to it soon because it would be stupid to stop in the middle for a silly little thing like that just when it was getting good. And I'm trying to face my fears more. Which is harder when I'm so tired. But I'm afraid if I go to sleep before facing that painful scene, I'll just run away from it in the morning and find a different fic to read instead. Which would be so dumb. So I'm not doing that.

I started this blog to talk about things that are bothering me that I feel I can't talk about with ppl I know, because my main blog is known to ppl i know in real life. I've been struggling with depression a lot lately, and the whole thing i described above with sleep and fanfic is happening because fanfic is an addiction for me, but also it's my go to way to avoid my problems. I'm really good at avoidance, actually, any time I start to get overwhelmed by any sort of negative emotion, I just hop into a fictional universe and focus on it so hard I forget where I am, and what I was even running from.

Of course, that's not really a helpful tactic in the long run, because in running from one thing, i end up avoiding everything else, too, so focused on the story and not spending time in the real world. Everything starts to fall to the wayside, and then I feel bad about those things, too. And then I'm reading fic to avoid thinking about not just the initial thing, but the chores I've neglected, the friends I've put off and ignored, the personal goals I've not made progress on. And for some of those things, the guilt and shame of not doing them is so strong it is enough to make me depressed all by itself, just for one of them, so with a bunch of things at once... let's just say it becomes painful to spend too much time with my mind in the real world.

Lately I've been reading fic as soon as I get home. Sometimes even in the car before I go inside. I usually always shower first thing when I get home from work, because I have a relatively dirty job and I feel gross until I can shower. But lately I've been putting that off just to sit on my floor in my room, where I usually take off my shoes, reading fic there for minutes or even hours before I finally go shower. Like I can't wait even another 20 minutes, I have to get that hit of dopamine right then. And I don't know if I've had more than one good nights sleep in a row for ages, I keep staying up late reading, and I don't know how to stop.

I've isolated myself from my friends to the point I don't know how to talk to them anymore. I feel if I try to talk about this, it'll sound like whining. And it's not like they can fix it. They've all got their own lives and busy schedules, they might not have time to cater to my problems. Plus, of course, I feel ashamed and embarrassed about it all.

So, instead, I keep going in circles in my own head, getting more and more depressed about the situation, and less and less convinced it can change. Fuck, I need more sleep.

At least cats are still cute, and soft, and do not judge. Unless it's mealtime and you haven't fed them, of course.

[chokingonthewords]

[chokingonthewords]

Having ADHD is so fun because sometimes youre looking for something that you use regularly and definitely put away in a smart and reasonable place and you have absolutely 0 hope of remembering where and finding it. And then other times ur like "hmm I need a some kind of small pointed object. I feel like i remember seeing a paperclip under the left couch cushion a month ago, i wonder if its still there" and it is

[chokingonthewords]

Ace week day 2... I'll try to post something a bit happier next time, but sometimes stuff like this needs to come out too

[chokingonthewords]

was reminded of that youtube channel that records footage of that bridge that scalps trucks today. one of the fascinating developments that's happened since i last heard about it is that, in one of their many attempts to stop the trucks from being can-opened, they installed a traffic light that detects when a vehicle that's over the allowed height is coming and turns red so the driver can stop and hopefully notice the signage all around that's screaming "YOUR VEHICLE IS OVERHEIGHT TURN AROUND" and avoid an accident. However as a result sometimes drivers see the light turning yellow and IMMEDIATELY start flooring it to avoid having to stop, ensuring that the roof of their truck just gets fucking annihilated instantly. Really beautiful stuff you should check it out

[chokingonthewords]

Oh, this definitely belongs on Tumblr.

[chokingonthewords]

[chokingonthewords]

τυρὸς δ’ οὐ λείπει μ’ οὔτ’ ἐν θέρει οὔτ’ ἐν ὀπώρᾳ, οὐ χειμῶνος ἄκρω·

"But cheese does not abandon me, neither in summer nor in autumn, nor at the end of winter:"

--Theocritus Idyll XI.36-7

[chokingonthewords]

I've spend the last two weeks speedrunning coming out as a trans woman to my coworkers, extended family, and the assorted friends I'd collected through Facebook and I've been shocked and overwhelmed by how enthusiastically supportive cis women have been in particular. After doomscrolling through TERF shit for the past year, I'd become convinced that cis women tended towards distrust of trans women, with a significant percentage actively vitriolic. But, time and time again, I've received effusive praise from the cis women I come out to. Not just progressive women either: Christian Facebook-moms from Texas have been enormously supportive. I've gotten some support from cis men too, but nothing nearly as passionate, and they've been the source of all the awkward avoidance or disgusted looks I've experienced. It makes complete sense: cis women generally like being women, and most of them like it a lot, so why wouldn't they celebrate somebody else becoming like them? This really drives home how dishonest TERFism is: they present themselves as the voice of women, but really they're just a regressive minority, distorting the issues to lead people away from their inclination towards love and acceptance.

[chokingonthewords]

what?

[chokingonthewords]

More Skywalker Sibling time!

[chokingonthewords]

i haven't seen any posts about this yet so i hope everyone knows we will be getting a mini moon in just 5 days :)