#let them kiss and be happy forever. no angst. thank you. kind regards

[ruallachrights]

i just think ruallach is neat 😌

[mellowswriting]

2, 3, & 48 with the least expected choice: JAVI BB! 😭 Please I just starve for domestic!Javi a lot

Second Chance 

pairing || Javier Peña x F!Reader

summary ||  Javier comes back to the U.S after taking down Escobar to find you - and what he finds changes his life forever.

word count || 4,824

warnings || angst with a happy ending, soft dad Javi, allusions to sex

a/n || This was so interesting to write, because Javier as a dad??? Yes please! Also because I’m so used to writing mainly fluff that angst can get a little tricky for me. Thank you for this little writing challenge, anon!

Main Masterlist  |  Join the taglist!

Two years. It had been nearly two years since Javier had seen you - correction, since he had watched you walk out with tears in your eyes and did nothing to stop you like a fool. It was one of his biggest regrets, and that was saying something coming from a man whose job required him to make hard and fast decisions that often left people dead. All he could do was hope and fucking pray that you wouldn’t slam the door in his face.

Even if he did deserve it.

A drive that typically would’ve taken only an hour from the airport took nearly double that, Javier’s hands shaking and stomach turning the entire time. He should’ve done this sooner, should’ve followed you out that door or hopped onto a plane and met you back in the States. Nothing felt right without you, the world around him slightly distorted by your absence. An absence that was entirely his fault.

He shouldn’t have snapped at you. All you had wanted from him was the promise that he would try to play it safer. It was a simple reassurance that he could have given you if he hadn’t been such a moron and snapped at you that if you couldn’t handle the realities of his job, you had no business sticking around. You were scared, worried for him after one of his harebrained plans nearly got his head blown off.

And all Javier had done was make you feel stupid for caring about him. It didn’t help that he did nothing to try to fix it the next day; he was embarrassed, ashamed of his immaturity. And you left because of it. He hated himself for it. He would only hate himself more if he didn’t go to you now that he had taken down Escobar. Better late than never, right? He was back in the states and could’ve gone anywhere, done anything, especially now that he was so well known for his hard work in Colombia. Instead, he used that new status to find out where you ended up and scribbled your address onto a crumpled piece of paper.

It was a nice house. The kind he always hoped you would get, picturesque with the neatly trimmed front yard and picket fence. The sun had just risen enough to tint the sky by the time he pulled up and killed the engine, his millionth cigarette of the day perched between his fingers. You were home. Tiny movements that he could see from the windows and the car parked in your driveway told him that much.

The love of his life was right there. Less than twenty yards away, practically nothing separating the two of you after so long. That realization had Javier finally shoving the car door open and stepping out - and damn near getting himself run over in the process. In his haste, his excitement, he didn’t even glance around himself enough to see the car approaching and… pulling into your driveway?

A spike of fear shot through him. Please, fuck, don’t let that be a man. Don’t let that be some man who is going to walk through the door and kiss your cheek as you welcome him home from work and…

No. A woman, brunette. Launching herself out of the car and practically skipping up to the door. She didn’t bother knocking, just walked right in and closed the door behind her. Something familiar about her tickled the back of Javier’s brain, the hazy memory of a polaroid of her next to you wearing matching goofy grins. Ah, your sister. Amelia, if he remembered correctly.

Javier hesitated at her appearance. He didn’t want to interrupt something. God knows you were already going to be pissed enough at him. So he leaned against his door and puffed on that cigarette like it was his only lifeline, ready to wait for however long it took.

Just his luck that he wouldn’t have to wait long. The door reopened not fifteen minutes later and the two of you both appeared on the porch and holy fuck, Javier’s heart was ready to fly out of his chest just at the sight of your smile as you chatted with your sister. He watched, enraptured, that damn cigarette damn near falling from his lips, his heart leaping at the way your head tilted back with a big laugh. God, he missed that sound.

You turned and poked your head back into the doorway and called something that he couldn’t hear, pausing before rolling your eyes and walking back inside. You appeared again a second later with -

A kid? Propped on your hip with your arm propped under them with ease.

Javier’s heart dropped. Of course. He should’ve known that someone would have scooped you up the second you returned home. If he hadn’t have been such a fucking idiot, that could have been him building a home with you and fuck, he had to leave. He needed to get in his car and fucking go before you -

“Javier?”

It had been so long since he heard you say his name. Even when it was layered with surprise, his name never sounded better than when it was falling from your lips. Javier froze with his hand on the handle. He could hear your sister’s ill attempt at whispering, the harshness of “Wait, the Javier? The one that -” that you cut off before she could finish.

Javier turned, his heart flying in his chest, and started walking up to the gate. The shake in his hands was undeniable when he lifted the latch. Your mouth hung open, chest rising and falling rapidly with your almost frantic breathing, the little girl perched on your hip seeming confused. She was yours, that much was obvious. Her nose, her lips - that little girl was your daughter.

Something in you snapped back into place, your mouth closed and a fake smile quickly replaced it as you turned your softening gaze to your little girl. “Okay, you have fun with Aunt Amelia, okay? Mommy loves you.”

Javier watched the exchange with a heavy heart, watched as your daughter gave you the tiniest kiss on your cheek with a small ‘pop’ of her lips, watched as your sister took her and gave him a wide berth as she went to strap her into the carseat in her car. The moment she was out of your sight, the warmth from your eyes fell away and regarded him with something colder, something angry and sad.

“What the hell are you doing here?” You asked.

“It’s done.” He mumbled, his fists clenching at his sides. “All of the bullshit with Escobar, it’s over.”

“Yeah, I know.” You scoffed at the surprised look he gave you. “What, you think I didn’t keep track of you after I left? Just because I wasn’t around doesn’t mean I stopped caring about whether you lived or died. That doesn’t answer my question.”

“I never should have let you leave. I… I shouldn’t have driven you away to begin with.” Shame flooded him for the millionth time at the flash of hurt in your eyes before you looked away from him, your eyes falling to the ground. “The kid… uh, congratulations I mean. I didn’t know you started a family, I never would’ve shown up like this. I’m not a homewrecker.”

“The kid?” You repeated, your voice incredulous, and Javier cringed. Yeah, not the most eloquent way to put it, but he was never good with words.

“Yeah, uh, she’s a cute kid. You and your… husband or whatever, you got lucky.” Every word that fell from his lips, he regretted. They were true, sure, but holy hell did it sound so awkward coming from him.

“The kid.” You scoffed again, a sound he hadn’t realized he missed so much. You finally locked eyes with him, somehow even more guarded than before. “She’s yours.”

Javier blinked. The words didn’t compute, his brain falling blank at the very thought that he… no, no fucking way. He took a half step back, his mouth falling open. He watched you watch him, watched the way your eyes studied his every movement. Air rushed in and out of his chest rapidly, black spots blinked at the edges of his vision, and suddenly his ass was hitting the hard stone of your porch.

He barely heard the rough, concerned way you said “Shit, Javi!”, barely noticed you disappear from his side. No, he couldn’t believe it, couldn’t accept that. There was no way in hell that his stupid fucking mistake deprived him of this, of his family. Of watching you bring his child into the world and watching her grow, teaching her how to walk on unsteady feet and picking her up when she cried. Of you teaching him how to gently pull her pretty brown hair into the little sprigs of pigtails, just like she wore when he caught a glance of her before she was whisked away.

The cold, wet feeling of a cloth dragging across his forehead made his eyes refocus and there you were. Your eyes, once cold and hesitant now tinged with concern as you gently drug a washcloth down each of his cheeks, trying to pull him out of his panicked state. You were murmuring something to him, something he couldn’t hear over the blood rushing in his ears. Javier’s hand grasped at yours, pressing it against his cheek tightly.

“Name.” He rasped. “What’s her name?”

You paused, a small smile perking up the corners of your lips. “Elianna. We call her Ellie.”

Ellie.

Javier had a daughter.

“I have a daughter?” Javier needed to hear you say it again.

“You have a daughter.” You nodded and pulled your hand away from his cheek, much to Javier’s disappointment. He missed your touch. You patted him hard on the shoulder before hauling him up. “Come on, we have a lot to talk about. Might as well do it on the couch where it’s comfortable.”

The inside of your home was just as picturesque as the outside, but in a completely different way. Colorful toys were strewn about the living room, a few soft baby blankets crumpled on the couch. It was comfortable, lived-in. Happy. Javier sat heavily on the couch, mind almost on autopilot as he gently touched the blanket next to him, his fingers barely grazing the fabric like he was worried his touch would somehow taint it.

You handed him a cold bottle of water that he accepted graciously and sipped as you sat next to him, a foot-wide war zone of space between you that felt like a stab to his heart. If only he hadn’t fucked everything up. You would be curled up right against him, your head on his chest as the two of you watched the little girl you created together babble over her toys.

“Tell me about her?” Javier asked tentatively, his voice uncharacteristically small.

“What do you want to know?” The hesitance in your voice made him feel even worse.

“Anything. Everything.”

And you did. Javier watched and listened, enraptured as you gushed about little Ellie. At nearly fifteen months old, she was damn near running and constantly getting into everything. She was curious and bright and laughed like she couldn’t breathe when you would roll around on the floor and play with her. Just the sight of the happiness and light in your eyes when you retold the first time you heard her say ‘mama’ made pride swell in his chest.

The intense urge to have her here with him pulled at him, but he knew better than to ask. You were already indulging him by bringing him into your home and answering his questions. Hell, he was lucky you told him to begin with. He could feel the intensity of your gaze on his face as he tried to absorb all of the information that was dumped on him. Silence filled the living room when you trailed off, a few heavy moments where he didn’t know what to say.

“I know you have questions, Javier.” You said, your words slow and deliberate. Clipped, like you were terrified he was going to disappear once again.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Javier whispered.

“Well, I didn’t know I was pregnant when I left.” You began with a sigh. “I thought that the nausea and the missed period were from stress, because god knows I was wrecked. I found out a few weeks after I got back to the U.S and… I just didn’t see the point to tell you.”

“Didn’t see the point? Of telling me you were having my child?” His voice rose with his anger, his frustration and he watched as those walls slammed down, your vulnerability hardening in less than a second. He took a deep breath before continuing, trying his damnedest to soften his voice. “Do you really think so little of me?”

“Are you kidding me, Javier? You had just told me to leave. Was I supposed to think it would change anything?” You deflated into the cushions slightly and the sight of the exhaustion and pain in your eyes made some of his anger fall away. You rubbed a hand down your face. “Was I supposed to hop back on a plane back to Colombia? Put myself and my baby in danger? Or maybe I should have just called you. ‘Hey, Javier, I know you just told me to get out of your life, but surprise! I’m carrying your child!’ How would that have gone over?”

“But after? How could you not…” Javier choked up, unable to finish his sentence. You were right, he knew that. But he was grieving the loss of everything he had missed out on. He couldn’t blame you, not really. It was an impossible situation.

“I wanted to. There were these moments that… it took everything in me not to call you and beg you to come to me like some pathetic little…” You trailed off with a shake of your head, your voice cracking. “But I couldn’t. The closer you got to catching Escobar, I just… I couldn’t pull you away from the fight when you were so close to winning. The past few weeks, though? God, I almost called you at least a dozen times. The second I heard about it, I wanted you here, but I was so… so scared, Javi.”

And there it was. Javier’s heart snapped in half. He broke your heart and you managed to still prioritize his career, his fight against Escobar, while you brought his child into the world and shouldered that responsibility on your own. He cleared his throat harshly and squeezed his eyes shut, desperately trying to hold back those traitorous tears that threatened to fall.

“You don’t have to be scared. If you’ll have me, I swear to god, you will never do this alone again.” Javier whispered, his eyes still closed. Debilitating fear kept him from looking at you, afraid to see the rejection on your face. “I want to be here, I want this. I want my family.”

“Do you mean that?” Your voice trembled with disbelief.

“Of course I do, hermosa.” He insisted. “Please, give me the chance to show you.”

The small, relieved sigh that came from you made something tight ease in his chest and Javier hesitantly brought you into his arms. You relaxed into his side with your head propped on his shoulder, the both of you taking refuge in the familiarity of the touch that was missed for so long. He felt you look up at him and met your eyes, hoping you could see his sincerity. Words had a tendency to fail him but he still had his actions. He absentmindedly licked his lips before asking, “Can I kiss you?”

You smiled at him, a small smile that was still a bit sad, but a smile nonetheless, and nodded. “I've missed your kisses. I missed you.”

“I missed you, too.” He confessed and finally kissed you. After two years, Javier felt the softness of your lips against his and finally felt like he was home.

----------

Javier’s knee bounced rapidly as he sat on your couch hours later, his nerves bounding untethered and desperate for any outlet. Just on the outside on the porch, you had stepped out to greet Amelia, who had brought Ellie home.

His daughter was on the other side of the door and he was about to meet her, for real this time. Excitement and fear warred with each other, neither able to win out over the other in their rising volume. Excitement at getting to hold her, maybe even make her smile. Fear over the possibility of hurting her or being too rough - he didn’t have much experience with babies, after all.

The door pushed open and he heard you call his name softly. “Can you grab these bags for me?”

He was on his feet in an instant, glad to be of help and already jumping at the chance to start proving himself to be a good father. A mess of brown curls poked out from the baby blanket you had draped over your chest where Ellie was apparently still fast asleep, distracting him slightly as he grabbed the bags from Amelia. She… did not look too happy to see him. The hardness in her glare told him something that didn’t need to be vocalized: if he hurt you or Elllie, his body would never be found.

Javier nodded slightly at her. He couldn’t blame your sister. If he were in her position, there wasn’t a doubt in his mind that he would be breaking noses. At your request, he set the bags on the kitchen table before walking back to you - and the sight of you swaying in the middle of the living room with Ellie knocked out against you, your cheek propped against the top of her head, took his breath away. The smile you gave him brought him closer, his hand settling on Ellie’s back softly as he pressed a kiss to your forehead.

“Do you want to hold her?”

It took a moment of maneuvering, but the second you settled Ellie against him chest-to-chest, his entire world came into focus. Her cheek pressed against his chest just so, making her mouth form the tiniest little ‘o’ that he had ever seen. She was so calm, sleeping so deeply, and Javier couldn’t fucking believe his luck. How could he have had any part in creating something so perfect?

He had to sit down. He didn’t trust himself to hold her with unskilled hands while standing. She harrumphed slightly when he eased down onto the couch, but other than that, his little girl stayed off in her dreamworld, content and safe in her father’s arms for the first time.

“Just be careful not to touch the bottoms of her feet even a little bit, it wakes her up every time. She’s just like you with that.” You said, your voice lowered as you sat next to him much closer than before. He preened under the idea that any part of him was reflected in Ellie, even something so small and silly.

“She’s so warm. Is that normal?” Javi asked. He hoped she didn’t have a fever, he knew that a fever could really hurt a baby even with his limited knowledge. You reached out to gently feel her forehead and cheek, smiling after a moment.

“No, she's just a little furnace.” You settled against the back of the couch with a content smile. God, this just felt so right. Having you so close and smiling, having his daughter asleep and safe against him. He could feel the pieces snapping together, could feel himself becoming whole. “Yet another thing she has in common with you.”

“What else?” Javier whispered, desperate to hear everything.

“Hmm, let’s see. You have the same grumpy face.” You laugh when he glanced up at you, his eyebrows ticked together and lips pursed slightly. “Mhmm, that’s the one. Plus she hates carrots. Acts like I’ve personally offended her if I even offer them.”

“That’s because carrots are fucking disgusting.” Javi grumbles goodnaturedly as he gently rubs Ellie’s back. She’s so small, such a tiny, delicate little creature, and he can’t believe it. Any of it. You let him in after everything, took him in and introduced him to an entirely new world of possibility, one where if he was smart and did right by his two little ladies, he would get the life he always dreamed of.

Your fingers brushed an errant lock of hair from his face and Javi sighed, his eyes falling closed as he leaned into the soft touch that he missed so much. He hummed happily, practically purring like a pleased cat, when your fingers buried further in his hair and massaged over his scalp. Heaven. He was in heaven.

A gentle stirring against his chest made Javier glance down at Ellie and that first glimpse of her big brown eyes only confirmed what he already felt deep in his soul - this little girl was his everything. It was the most basic, simple thing he had ever felt, no question to be had about any of it.

Ellie wiggled against him, trying to get herself upright, and Javier immediately held her under her arms to sit her on his thigh. She looked inquisitively up at him from his lap, glancing over at you to confirm that you were nearby before staring at him as if he was the most interesting thing he has ever seen. Her little hand reached up to tug at his mustache, giving him a toothy grin at the way he laughed.

There were tears in his eyes and he couldn’t even deny them, couldn’t pretend they weren’t there. Javier could see them mirrored in your eyes as you watched Ellie stand in her father’s lap and try to balance herself with her hands on his shoulders.

You cleared your throat. “She’s about to start bouncing.”

“What? Whoa!” Javier exclaimed at the sudden feeling of what seemed like Ellie falling in his lap, his hands rushing for a firmer grip only for her to pop right back up and do it all over again. All three of you cracked up, your melodic laughter mixing with Ellie’s high giggling in the most beautiful way.

That night Javier got to cut up his daughter's food and help spoon bites into her mouth, sat at the table with Ellie and the love of his life, eating dinner like a family. He could picture this for the rest of his life. Eating breakfast and dinner together. Kissing the both of you goodbye in the morning and returning to his daughter running down the hall to wrap him in a hug. Chasing Ellie around a park and helping her down slides and pushing her on the swings.

This was his second chance, and he was going to do it right. God help him, he was not going to miss out on anything else. So when he saw the hesitance in your eyes that night after putting Ellie to bed, Javier settled himself on the couch with nothing but a gentle kiss to your forehead. There was no reason to push you. He wanted you to be comfortable, he owed you that much.

A week went by like that. Javier would rise in the morning to the sounds of you coming downstairs with Ellie on your hip and stretch, realigning his spine and pulling the tension from his sore back. He offered small pieces of affection and grinned every time they were accepted - a small peck on the lips here, his arm raised for you to curl closer on the couch there. Little Elianna was all too happy to join in on those little couch cuddle sessions, too, clambering into his lap or yours and snuggling close.

It seemed like the more Ellie warmed up to him, the more you did as well. Javi caught those small smiles when you watched him help ease his little girl to sleep for a nap. The more he proved himself to be a good father, the more comfortable you were letting him in, and it felt like progress. You laughed openly at his stupid jokes, reached out for him for affection of your own volition - kisses over coffee, holding hands as he pushed Ellie in the stroller - and it felt so good.

Javier fluffed up a pillow before tossing it against the arm of the couch, but before he could collapse his exhausted body into the cushions, he felt your hand curl around his bicep. The look in your eyes was almost afraid and worry clenched his stomach, but before he could spiral, you pulled him close and leaned up to kiss him.

A surprised sound hummed against your lips but Javi quickly regained himself to kiss you back. There was something softer about the way your lips pressed against his, something that had been absent from the quick, nearly chaste kisses you shared since he returned. This time you parted your lips and licked along the curve of his bottom lip, your hand coming up to press against his jaw and pull him even closer.

“You aren’t sleeping on that couch anymore.” You whispered against his lips.

“Oh, thank fuck.” Javi grumbled as he pressed even closer and kissed you again and again, slowly guiding you back to your bedroom.

He woke up the next morning with his bare chest against your back, his face buried in your hair, and he didn’t think life could get any better. His arms tightened around you as he gently rubbed up and down your side, the soft touch easing you out of sleep. The way you groaned made him smile; it was a sound he missed, even if it though was grumpy. You rolled over in his embrace and wrapped your arms around his neck to drag him over you, smiling sleepily at him before kissing him.

“My thighs are fucking aching, Javier.” You grumbled against him as you pressed a line of kisses along his jaw and down his neck.

He shivered at the feeling of your lips against his sensitive skin. “Mm, yeah, and you love it.”

You giggled in that way that made his stomach flip. “Fair enough.”

The door pushed open suddenly, almost hard enough to crack against the wall, and Ellie appeared on your side of the bed, her arms raised as she waited impatiently to be picked up. Javier happily pulled her up onto the bed. Scratch his earlier assumption - now his life couldn’t get any better. He watched Ellie jump and tumble around the sheets with happy squeals and that’s when he heard it. At first, he thought maybe he was hearing things until he saw the way your mouth fell open into a big grin, your eyes flitting back and forth between father and daughter.

“Papaaaa!” Ellie called out, her hands opening and closing rapidly, reaching for him from the other side of the bed. She kept saying it, repeating the two syllables over and over until it all bled into one long call for her dad.

Javier pulled her into his arms and squished her to his chest tightly, his eyes on you as his heart fluttered high in his chest. He couldn’t find the words, his voice choked out by his overwhelming love for the little family he had. He watched as you shuffled forward to kneel next to him and kiss the top of Ellie’s head, then his lips, pride shimmering in your eyes.

“Marry me.” Javier said, his voice barely above a whisper.

Your jaw dropped. “Javi… you don’t have to do this. I - I don’t want you to feel obligated.”

“Are you kidding me? I want to grow old with you, have kids with you, even have a fucking white picket fence.” It was as if the faucet was turned on and there was no stopping the words he so desperately wanted to say. “None of this is out of obligation, hermosa. I want you to be my wife.”

“Yes.” There were tears in your eyes as you listened to the words you had longed to hear for far too long. “Yes, I’ll marry you.”

Javier surged forward and kissed you again, and in that bed with the precious little girl the two of you created together and the promise of being yours forever, he knew he was right where he belonged.

{Taglist}

@iamburdened @everyhowlmarksthedead @jenrebloggingfics @xserenax-13 @silverstarsandsuns @luminescentlily @peterpstuff @leonieb @lazybeeches @withasideofmeg @freeshavocadoooo @chattychell @ew-erin @viktorialukowski @cjbtw @agentshortstacc @a-skov @himbotroy

[krreader]

aurora.

pairing: kim taehyung x reader ; jeon jeongguk x reader ; jeon jeongguk x iu fandom: bts ; solo artists (iu) warnings: language genre: angst ; fluff word count: 6k+

summary: dawn comes after the darkness, and with it the promise that what has been torn by the sea is not lost. - lisa wingate

a/n: you read that right. 6k. this escalated so hard. but anyways, let me say the biggest fucking thank you to my lovely friend @belovedcherry​ who actually commissioned this and was kind enough to let me post it. I am beyond grateful for you, seriously. I truly hope this is everything you wanted and more and thank you again for being such an amazing person. I love you, boo ♥

“What are you doing? It's too early,” you turned around when Jeongguk opened the curtains, the sunlight hurting your eyes this early in the morning, so you tried to squeeze them together tighter.

He started chuckling and jumped back into bed, wrapping an arm around your middle and pulling you against his naked chest, “It's 11 AM, (Y/N).”

“Too early,” you whined, but started giggling when he began to kiss your shoulder, then neck. His hand rested on your hip, but slowly traveled up until he could hold your hand.

His thumb brushed over the back of it, then over the diamond ring that he put on your finger only last night. Then, you finally opened your eyes, smiling at the memory of the simple, yet beautiful proposal over dinner. The most wonderful things he had said last night, about you, your future..

“I still can't believe it,” you whispered.

“Believe it. Believe that you're going to be the lucky Mrs. Jeon (Y/N) soon,” he chuckled into the nape of your neck and pulled you yet again closer, breathing in the scent of your shampoo.

“I really am the luckiest woman alive.”

It was a memory that used to give you joy, of course. How couldn’t it? A proposal was supposed to bring happy memories with it. 

But it seemed as if everything went downhill from there on. Thinking back on it, that was the last good memory that you had of your time together.. of him. And if you could.. you’d gladly erase it from your mind, just so you’d finally stop your heart from hurting so much and the tears from flooding.

But how could you have possibly known? After four years, you obviously had trusted him blindly and believed everything he told you. Every promise and every 'I love you' was a genuine one, you didn’t even question it once.

So how could a person that promised you the world, throw you away like garbage in less than five seconds, when you were ready to give up everything for them? How could the person that promised you their name replace you so easily and give it to someone else only five months after your broken engagement?

Like it meant nothing.. like you meant nothing.

“I don't.. I don't understand,” everything was.. fine. Everything was perfect, this made no sense, why was he saying these things? Why was he suddenly talking about IU again when he hadn’t mentioned her name in years?

Was this because.. she broke up with her boyfriend?

“I'm truly sorry, (Y/N).”

“You're.. sorry?” you got up from the couch, your eyebrows furrowed, “You're telling me you're sorry? Sorry for what? Sorry that you want to throw away everything you and I built for the last years for the chance of being with someone else? You're replacing me for the slight possible of being with.. someone else?”

Being broken up with was a horrible feeling in itself. But the reason for it being that he wanted to replace you.. now that was something that would leave you scarred forever.

Jeongguk tried to look at you, but he failed miserably.

He felt mad at himself and so utterly ashamed, but it's what his heart wanted.. it's what it always wanted. So he couldn't pass up the chance of finally being with her now that he got it.

“She already approached me, (Y/N).”

“So you already cheated on me,” it wasn't a question. It was a statement.

“No!” he quickly yelled out, “No, we didn't, we only.. we agreed to meet.”

“You fucking asshole,” you let out a humorless laugh, your head shaking, “You fucking asshole,” you repeated, but this time you screamed at him, pulling the engagement ring off your finger and throwing it at him.

“I'm sorry,” he repeated, his voice barely audible.

Jeongguk and you used to be so happy that even the thought of you eventually breaking up with each other was not something you could have ever seen happening. He was your soulmate, your best friend, your ride or die. He was the one who was always there even when he was far away, the one who you saw as the father of your children.. well.. that one turned out to be kind of true.. but only kind of.

“Miss?” you jumped a little when the lady working at the airport stood in front of you with an unsure smile, but quickly put on a smile as well to show her that you were ready to listen now that she already ripped you out of your thoughts, “I'm really sorry, but there's no seat left in the front row, all passengers that sit there paid extra already.”

“Ah, I see.. thank you for trying anyways.”

The only reason why you wanted that seat was that you would have liked to stretch out your legs a little more. Ever since your pregnancy began you were having trouble with your legs swelling, something completely normal, but on such a long flight you would have appreciated it if you have had the chance to stretch a little bit.

Your hands rested on your belly, a sigh escaping your lips, “I hope you'll be more comfortable than mommy, little bean.”

This wasn't the life you had wanted for your child.

You had wanted your child to have a happy family once it was born, a happy father and mother who were more than excited to finally be able to hold him or her in their arms. But what would they get instead? A scared and lonely shell of a person who was struggling mentally and financially..

But no matter the financial problems that you had, you couldn't stay in Seoul.

Not with their pictures being plastered everywhere you went. Not with the ‘Congratulations on your marriage!’ slogans in every subway station.

“Flight L730 to Sydney is now ready to depart. We ask our passengers sitting in first class, as well as our gold star members and senators to..-” the lady started to announce. Most people had been lining up for a while already, so you decided that you'd get up and get in line as well, especially because it wasn’t as easy for you anymore to just get up and walk somewhere, despite you only being five months pregnant now.

You were minding your own business, when two girls in front of you started talking about a subject that you really had enough of hearing about.

“Did you see their wedding picture? IU looks breathtaking, don't you think?”

Your jaw began to clench, your eyes slowly looking up and seeing the picture that one was showing the other through the gap of their shoulders.

“I'm so happy for them. He's tried so long, I'm glad he finally got his happy ending with the woman he loves.”

They didn't know.

They couldn't know.

You weren't even allowed to be angry at them, because they were oblivious to what had been going on behind closed doors. No one had known about you. Four years he had kept you a secret. Fuck, even Bangtan didn't know you existed for the first two and a half years. And even after that you rarely saw them. Jeongguk never told you the reason as to why he didn't like you being around them, but you had been alright with it. You weren't dating him for his group, after all.

Still.. you often wondered what people would think of Jeongguk if they knew the truth.

If they knew how he had handled the entire situation.. especially in regards to the baby.

“(Y/N).. you need to stop calling me,” he let out a heavy sigh, his fingers massaging his temples.

“You need to listen to me,” you let out a sob, the pregnancy test between your fingers shaking due to your trembling hand.

This just made everything ten times worse.

A broken heart was one thing, but a baby.. fuck. This complicated matters.

“No, I don't,” Jeongguk looked to the sleeping IU to his right, then pushed the covers away and walked into the living room so he wouldn't wake her up, “I've apologized enough, I can't do much else than that. You need to accept it, as hard as that might be. I truly am sorry.”

“Jeongguk, I..-”

“No. We're done,” he said a bit more sternly now, “Goodbye, (Y/N).”

You had sent him countless of messages afterwards in which you told him about the baby, but the messages were never opened or read. After a while and after a few more calls that never went through, you realized that he probably blocked your number.

And that was that.

Because you didn't have any other way of contacting him.

He had moved out of your shared apartment after the break-up and you didn't know where he lived now. You also didn't have phone numbers of any of his band members.. you had no way to tell him that he'd be a father soon.

But now, after five months and the wedding picture that you saw on the phone of this girl, you once again realized that even if he knew, he probably wouldn't even care..

..because it wouldn't be her baby.

Just like you didn’t matter anymore, because you weren’t her. 

“Flight L730 to Sydney is now ready to board for all passengers. Please take out your passport and flight ticket for us to scan and we hope you enjoy your trip.”

Your hand once again rested on your belly, your thumb gently brushing over it.

This was it.. you'd finally leave that part of your life behind that once brought you so much happiness but had left you with a shattered heart.

It was for the best.. maybe you'd even find your happy ending there.. someday.

                                                  three years later

“I love Sydney,” Jimin sighed happily, leaning back in his seat and enjoying the sun shining into his face.

“You say that about every country we tour in,” Taehyung chuckled and wiped his mouth with a napkin, “But I agree.. it's beautiful. Especially the architecture.”

“If you end up talking about architecture again for an hour straight, I'm going to leave,” Jimin warned, but with a smile.

“I mean, come on, how could I not? It's such a beautiful mixture of old and new architecture, forming something so unique and special that..- hey! Come on!”

But Jimin stayed true to his word and actually got up, “No, I'm sorry, I can't listen to another one hour ramble about some architect that’s already been dead for years, I already did that in New York and London. You pay, I'll be back at the hotel.”

Taehyung let out a disappointed sigh. He should have simply asked Namjoon hyung to go to lunch with him. At least he would have listened.

“Uh, sorry? Pay?” he asked when a waitress passed by, then quickly looked down to pull out his wallet from his pockets.

“I hope the food tasted good?”

“Ah, very good!” and when he turned around to look at you with his boxy smile, both you and him instantly froze.

You recognized each other within a second, despite you not having seen each other in years, and even then, only briefly.

He knew who you were and you obviously knew who he was, not just because of the fact that his face was plastered all over town because of their upcoming concert, but also because of your history. Your history, that you successfully managed to forget about.. or at least.. that's what you wanted to believe.

“You..- (Y/N)? What the hell are you doing here?” he instantly switched back to speaking Korean, his smile reappearing on his face. He even got up and hugged you tightly, despite you and him never having been that close to each other.

But maybe he was just happy to see a familiar face in a foreign country.

You just stood there stiff as a tree, feeling very uncomfortable all of a sudden.

“Man, it's so nice to see you again! It's been.. what? Three years? How have you been? What's new?”

You couldn't have this conversation.

Not here and not now, because you couldn’t predict your emotions.

You hadn’t talked about what had happened to anyone ever since you left and you didn’t want to do that now after you successfully locked that part away and threw away the key.

“Do you want to pay with cash or card?”

Taehyung was taken aback, but the surprise of meeting you so suddenly made him completely forget about the reason why you left in the first place.

Maybe seeing him didn't bring back the best of memories.

“Card, please.”

He took that moment that you walked away to get the machine for his card to gather his thoughts and really think about what he'd say next. He didn't want to overstep any boundaries, or more than he already had.

And so when you were back and inserted the card, he said, “I never got to say that I was sorry about everything that happened between you and Jeongguk, but..-”

“Don't,” you whispered, your eyes firmly on the machine.

“What?”

“Don't pity me,” you handed him the machine, “I don't want pity.”

He gulped down hard. He hadn't said one good thing to you, apparently. And he felt bad about that. So he quickly typed in his PIN, but before he handed you back the machine, he said: “When are you done here? Do you.. want to go grab a coffee? Talk about.. something? Not.. him. Just catch up?”

“I don't think that's a good idea.”

“Please, (Y/N). You live here now, right? So maybe.. you could show me around a bit? I only have today off, so I'd love to see some secret spots that only the locals know about,” he grinned.

“I'm not your tourist guide,” you said bitterly and handed him the receipt, already wanting to leave again.

“I know you're not,” he got up and wrapped his hand around your wrist, quickly letting it go again when he saw the way you looked at his hand, “I want to know how you are. I truly do.”

It was the sincerity in his eyes that made you actually think about it. A part of you told you not to fall for it, that he was just like Jeongguk and that you'd get nothing good out of having an actual conversation with him, even if you'd never see each other again after today. But you had always liked Taehyung those very few times that you saw him. He always treated you well, respected you and took good care of you when you were out together for dinner.

So because of old time's sake, you said: “I get off in two hours. So 5PM sharp,” and with that you turned around and walked back into the restaurant, leaving a smiling Taehyung behind.

“Hyung!” Jeongguk ran after Taehyung when he wanted to get into the elevator, “I've been looking for you! Do you want to go out? Do something?”

Should he tell him? Probably not.. not even for his sake, because Taehyung knew that he didn't care, but for your sake. You probably wouldn't want him to know that you were here.

“I already have plans, sorry.”

“Huh? With whom?”

“See you tonight for dinner!” Taehyung pressed the button and watched Jeongguk's eyebrows draw together in confusion when the elevator doors closed.

He was a little early when he arrived back at the restaurant, so he just stood outside and watched you work for a while.

You were still pretty.. he always thought you were beautiful, but the Australian sun illuminating your skin and smile.. it suit you. Taehyung could never quite understand Jeongguk on why he rather wanted IU than you. If anyone were to ask his opinion on the matter, he immediately would have chosen you to be prettier than her. But maybe that’s just personal preference..

“You should just ask her out, mate,” a guy nudged his side, making Taehyung jump a little.

“Sorry?”

“(Y/N). She's single. Actually, would do her good to have someone by her side,” he only understood half of what he was saying, especially because of the accent, but this guy seemed to know you. When he walked into the restaurant he realized that he must be your co-worker since the two of you started talking casually.

It was only when you approached Taehyung after you got off that you confirmed it, “My co-worker thinks you have a crush on me.”

“I just.. I wasn't.. I was just..-”

“Relax,” you chuckled, “I told him you're an old friend,” you shouldered your bag, “What did he tell you?”

“Honestly? I don't know. The accent was a bit.. much.”

“Yeah,” that made you laugh as you two started to walk away from the restaurant together, “It takes a little time to get used to it. But people are nice here, you know?”

“So you're happy?”

You didn't answer right away, really thought about your words, “I'm.. okay. It's easier here than it was in Seoul. And it's getting better every day, you know?”

Taehyung nodded, shoving his hands into the pockets of his pants, “I thought about you a lot, actually. About whether or not you were doing okay. Some of us thought about contacting you, but we didn't know how.. and.. well, we didn't know whether or not we should get involved.”

“I'm glad you didn't,” you admitted, “I needed space and.. time. I needed to be alone to really cut that part of me off, as hard as that sounds.”

“No, I understand,” he nodded, “Still.. it can’t have been easy, moving here all on your own..”

“I wasn't alone.. not really.”

“Oh? Then you..-?”

Taehyung must have thought about a man, a boyfriend maybe. A past one, since that co-worker mentioned you were now single.

But that's.. not really what you have had in mind.

Before Taehyung even knew it, you had led him to a child care center. Only a few children were out playing at this time, since it was already rather late.

He was confused for a moment, thought you might just wanted to pass by, but.. you walked in.

And he followed.

“MOMMY!” a little girl, not older than three, ran into your arms with her black pigtails, you picking her up and spinning her around.

“Ah, I missed you so much,” you showered her face with kisses, loving the giggling sounds she made, “Did you have fun today?”

“Yeeeeah! We made a lot of drawings! I’ll show you!”

“Okay,” you gently put her back down with a smile, “Then hurry, get your bag and paintings. I'll wait here for you.”

She ran back inside, past the child care worker who waved at you to greet you.

For a moment you had completely forgotten that Taehyung was even there, only when he spoke did you remember, “Oh my god..”

“I told you not to pity me.”

“I'm.. not, I'm just..- does he know?! He never said anything?! Oh my god, he knew and didn’t say anything? Or did you never tell him? I don’t..-” his eyes were wide, plainly speaking what he was thinking. Which.. didn’t make much sense.

“I tried telling him, but he blocked my number. He was.. too busy,” you shrugged, “I don't care anymore, Taehyung. I made a promise to myself when I gave birth to her that I won't let him ruin my life any more than he already had. I got two jobs to provide for my girl, I got us an apartment that is big enough for the both of us and I'm doing the best I can to give her everything she needs and wants. I don't need him anymore and I will never need him again.”

He was.. glad to hear that, really. He was actually even a little proud that you got your shit together like this, but it still pained him that Jeongguk would do this to you. To him, it almost felt like he was a little bit responsible, even though that was bullshit.

Taehyung couldn’t have changed any of this, Jeongguk was his own person and you knew that. 

So you didn’t hold a grudge against him or any of the other members. This wasn’t their fault.

When your daughter ran back out she finally saw Taehyung for the first time. He thought she may be shy, but not at all. She actually extended her hand to him, “I'm Zoe.”

“Zoe, my friend Taehyung is Korean.. can you introduce yourself in Korean?”

Her eyes widened, even beamed a little and Taehyung couldn't help but grin and kneel down when the little girl bowed and introduced herself in Korean.

“Wow! You speak Korean?”

“Mommy taught me!”

“Your mommy is a very smart woman.”

“The smartest,” the little girl giggled and leaned against your leg.

“Oh wow.. did you paint these?” Taehyung pointed at her pictures and your little girl instantly showed him with a proud smile, “These are.. amazing!”

“Mommy he likes them! Did you hear? He likes them!”

“I heard,” you grinned and picked her up, brushing down the skirt of her dress, “Let's go home, though. You need to eat something and so does mommy.”

Taehyung didn't move when you walked up ahead, he didn't think you'd want him to come, but..-

“Hey.. you coming or what?” you smiled at him and even Zoe waved him over, “Come on, Taehyungie!”

"We need to talk about honorifics, I think,” he chuckled.

Taehyung remembered the old apartment you used to live at with Jeongguk. It had been luxurious and big, too big for two people actually.

Your apartment now was a lot more cozier.

It was a one bedroom apartment, small, but still nice. It felt.. like home. Like what he always wanted to experience when he was a teenager and thought about moving in with his girlfriend eventually.

“Look,” Zoe struggled to climb up on the couch, her tongue sticking out in concentration, but once she sat next to Taehyung, she proudly showed him all her favorite paintings that she made, “This is mommy and this is me.”

“Wow.. your mommy looks so beautiful here. And you look so cute!”

“My mommy is the beautifulest person on the planet,” she proudly said.

Taehyung raised his head and watched you make dinner in the kitchen. You had put up your hair, but some strands kept falling into your face. He watched with a smile as you pushed them back again and again, letting out more than one annoyed sigh because of it.

“She really is,” he whispered.

Zoe might only be three years old, but kids were a lot smarter than adults gave them credit for.

She looked the same direction that he looked at, then looked back at him, “Do you like my mommy?”

“Huh? Oh, I..- well, your mommy is an old friend, you know?”

She was quiet for a moment, then she asked, “Are you.. my daddy?”

Oh god.., “I'm.. uhm.. just a friend, sweetheart.”

“Oh..-” her shoulder slumped in disappointment, then she pulled out a paper from the very bottom and showed him. It was of her, you and a man.. but the man didn't have a face, “I don't have a daddy, you know? All of my friends do.. but I don't.”

It broke his heart.

It absolutely shattered it, actually.

And he wanted to punch the living shit out of Jeongguk and that had never been an emotion he felt before.

“But you have your mommy.. and she loves you so much,” Taehyung tried to console her.

“I know,” she nodded, slowly beginning to smile again, “I love her most.”

“Okay,” you walked into the living room and put two plates down in front of Taehyung and Zoe, “I'm sorry, love, I didn't have time to go grocery shopping today. I hope this is okay..”

“PASTA!” she screamed in excitement and sat down on the floor, “Thank you, mommy!”

You gently brushed through her hair, then handed Taehyung a fork, “I know, not what you're used to, but I hope you like it nevertheless.”

“It's perfect,” you stared at each other for a moment, you being the first to break the eye contact when your daughter started to tell you about her day.

But you still caught yourself staring at him more than once throughout the dinner.

Maybe it was the way he talked to Zoe that made you feel this way, the way that Zoe looked at him.. or maybe it was just that you've been so lonely for so long that it was nice to finally have someone like him here again. Someone from your past? Someone that you once liked and got along with? Or just.. anyone older than your daughter?

Maybe.. maybe it was the fact that it was him.

And you knew that was stupid. 

Because what the fuck did you think was going to happen?

He was still a BTS member, he was currently on world tour and he'd leave in what.. two days again? Getting attached was a stupid thing to do and you were not stupid.

Not anymore.

“You need help?” Taehyung peaked his head into the kitchen after dinner to see if you needed help with the dishes.

“I'm good, thank you,” you smiled at him from over your shoulder.

“Mommy, can you read me my bedtime story?”

Zoe squeezed past Taehyung to stand in the kitchen, already in her pajamas. 

“Can you give me ten more minutes?”

“I.. can do it. If you.. want to and if that's okay with you?” Taehyung looked at you to await your approval, but it seemed like Zoe decided before you could.

“YES!” she jumped up and down and pulled him with her into your bedroom.

It seemed like you shared your bedroom with your daughter. There was only one bed here, so he assumed you and her slept in one bed.

And he was correct.

She tried her hardest to climb up onto the bed like she had tried with the couch earlier, but she had no chance with the bed, it was simply too high for her.

Taehyung grinned and gently lifted her up, then sat down next to her, “This is my side,” she proudly said as she got under the covers, “Mommy sleeps there.”

“That's so cool!”

“Mommy says that once we have enough money to move, I get my own bedroom!” she squealed in excitement.

And once again, Taehyung's heart started to hurt.

Jeongguk had so much money.. and you were here sharing a bed with your daughter because you could barely afford this apartment. How was this fair?

News flash. It wasn’t.

None of this was.

And that was Jeongguk’s fault right from the start. But it was only now that he realized just how much of his fault it all was.

Nevertheless, he didn't want to show his emotions to the little girl.

Instead, he read her the bedtime story that she wanted to hear, doing his best to deliver it in a way that children would find entertaining.

Only that.. she really didn't care about the story. At least not when he was much more interesting.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Of course, love,” he closed the book but kept his finger in it, in case she wanted to hear more of the story later on.

“Do you know who my daddy is?”

Oh god.. what should he do? Lie to her? 

Yes. Absolutely. You had your reasons for not telling her about Jeongguk, he would not be the one to tell her about him if you hadn't so far.

“I don't.”

And once again, her shoulder slumped.

“I think about him sometimes.. maybe he hates me, so that's why he left mommy..”

“No,” Taehyung immediately shook his head, “Don't think like this. You are a wonderful girl. You're beautiful, you're smart and,” he picked up one of her paintings from the night stand, “So talented. Whoever your dad is, wherever he is, he’s an idiot for not seeing that.”

She giggled, “You said a bad word.”

“Don't tell your mommy, okay? I’m scared she won’t like me anymore if she finds out.”

“I promise,” she giggled, then quickly pushed the covers away and cuddled against his chest, closing her eyes for a moment, “I hope you visit us more often. I really like you..”

Taehyung slowly wrapped his arms around the little girl, but he didn't say anything. Because he didn't want to make her a promise that he couldn't keep.

It took five more minutes for him to come out of the bedroom, smiling at you when he saw you leaning against the wall opposite of the bedroom.

“She's a cute girl,” he whispered.

“Yeah.. I got really lucky.”

Taehyung completely forgot that he had dinner plans with the rest of the boys and his managers tonight. He hadn't checked his phone for hours and wasn't planning on doing it now as you and him sat in front of the couch with glasses of wine in your hands.

“I don't ever really bring men over.. so this is all new for her.”

“What.. no sexual adventures?”

“I know this might be hard to believe, but it’s not exactly easy to do that when you have a toddler sleeping in the same bed as you,” you both chuckled.

It was quiet for a moment, you staring into your glass, when he asked: “She seems to be thinking about her father a lot.”

“It's hard for her to understand why everyone else has one and only she doesn't,” you took a sip from your wine, “But I can't bring myself to tell her the truth. Not now. She wouldn't understand anyways. So I just don't tell her at all.”

Taehyung didn't say anything.

And you noticed that.

“You disapprove.”

“It's not my place to have an opinion on this, (Y/N). This is your child and your child only.”

You liked that. That he didn't acknowledge Jeongguk's role in this, because that's what it was to you now. He was only the one who made her, but he had no place in her life.

Still.. you thought about him every now and then.

And it's been three years.

You were over it.

“How is he?”

“No, I'm not talking about him,” he shook his head.

“I'm okay, Taehyung.”

“I don't care. He doesn't deserve for you to even so much as think about him.”

“He's still your best friend, just because of what happened between him and me doesn't mean that you have to hate him too.”

“I didn't hate him. Not before. But..-” Taehyung gulped down hard, “If I have had the chance to have a girl as beautiful as Zoe as my daughter.. I'd be the happiest man alive, (Y/N). And he..-”

“He doesn’t know and I stopped blaming him a long time ago. I realized that I’m a much happier person if I don’t focus on what went wrong in my life and just appreciate what went right. I used to hate him, but at the same time, I am so grateful that he gave me Zoe. She’s everything to me.”

“Still, I'm sorry for what he did to you. And there is no way that I can.. undo what he's done.. but maybe I could.. I don't know.. come by every once in a while?”

“Sydney isn't Busan, Taehyung. You can't just get in the car and be there in two hours.”

“BigHit is giving us more breaks nowadays and.. we're thinking about a hiatus anyways. Nothing is set in stone, but we all need a break. Maybe one year, maybe two, maybe more, maybe forever,” he then realized what he just told you and his eyes quickly widened, “But.. don't tell anyone about that. That's actually top secret and I shouldn't have told you about it.”

You chuckled and nodded, “I won't tell. Promise.”

“So.. what do you say? Would you like that?”

Your smile slowly faded, then you shook your head a little as your eyes fell onto the picture of you and Zoe together, “I trusted Jeongguk with my entire being and he broke me for having done that. I can't be this naive again. Not when I have Zoe. I’m sorry.”

“You have nothing to be sorry about, I understand you. But I’m going to prove it to you.. that I’m not him,” he made a promise to himself that night. Jeongguk might have abandoned you, but he wouldn't. He had let you go so easily back then, but he couldn't again, not after all this.

You didn't say anything. You just continued drinking your wine with him in silence.

Nothing happened this night.

You just talked about his life, about your life, catching up like old friends. And it really felt like that's what you were, despite you not having talked a lot back in the day.

Taehyung completely forgot the time and boy, everyone was so mad at him for coming back so late. They thought something might have happened.

And that was true.

Something did happen.

He had made a decision and a promise on where he'd be five years from now.

And he kept that promise.

                                                 five years later

A hiatus that already lasted almost two years, but they needed that time.

Bangtan was drained and they all needed a break.

However, they all went their separate ways, all doing things they were passionate about. But not with each other.

Jeongguk, who had just signed his divorce papers after his marriage with IU had slowly but surely been falling apart for the last three years, was incredibly lost. Normally, he'd just spend time with his hyungs and they'd pick him up again like they always did, but with the way they were all scattered around the globe, that wasn't so easy anymore.

He ended up taking a flight to Sydney.

Him and Taehyung weren't as close as they once were and he never found out the reason for why that was, but he could really use the one that he once called his actual brother.

Maybe this would even bring them closer together again.

Taehyung had once told them the address he'd be staying at while he'd be in Sydney for emergencies, so that's where he was going now.

A.. surprise visit.

Only that when he got out of the car, he didn't see Taehyung, but someone he had only recently been starting to think about a lot again.

And what a surprise it was indeed.. but for him.

“Why are you so bad at admitting it?” you laughed happily as you got out of the car, Jeongguk staring at the girl, not older than eight, who looked.. exactly.. like him, “I know you like him.”

“Mom, stop it,” the girl giggled, “I don't like him, boys are disgusting.”

“You're such a bad liar.”

The girl sprinted into the apartment building, while you walked to the trunk of the car to get the groceries out.

He just stood there in shock, watched you unpack everything, not being able to move or say anything.

But it was as if you knew.

Knew, that someone was staring and watching you.

You stopped moving momentarily, then you turned around and looked around until your eyes fell on him. The man you hadn't thought about in five years. Because you really had no reason to anymore.

He didn't look good. He looked like he hadn't slept in ages and the man you once thought to be a god now looked so mortal and human.

He reminded you of you when you first came here, actually.

Both of you stared at each other for a very long time, before he was the first to approach you.

“You're.. here..?”

“I think the better question would be why are you?” your voice was so strong compared to his.

“I.. well, Taehyung.. hyung, he gave me..-”

“Mom, can you hurry..-” Zoe stopped when she saw you talk to a man, “Oh.. sorry.”

And you could tell that he knew instantly.

Maybe it was the age or the fact that she looked just like him. Probably the latter.

“Hi,” he managed to say in a high-pitched voice.

“Uh, hey,” she furrowed her eyebrows, “Should.. I get.. dad?”

“Dad?” Jeongguk looked at you in confusion.

“It's fine, love. Just wait upstairs. I'll be right there.”

She left, even though she seemed unsure of whether or not she should leave you alone with this guy. He seemed.. weird.

“Dad?” he repeated, “She..-”

“I tried telling you, Jeongguk. I called, I texted, I did everything I could. But you were too busy chasing after your happy ending that, from the looks of it, didn't work out in the end.”

“Who is dad?!” he asked once again.

“That's none of your business. It's not you, that's all that matters.”

“But I am! I am her father! You just said it, she’s my kid!”

You let out a laugh, “No. You really aren't. You might have been the sperm donor, but that’s all you are.”

You wanted to walk past him, but he quickly grabbed your arm, “(Y/N), wait..-”

“No, I know what you're going to say. You're going to apologize to me and you're going to tell me that you made the biggest mistake of your life. You're going to tell me that IU wasn't the one for you after all and you're going to ask me to forgive you, maybe even for the sake of my daughter. Is that about right?” when he didn't answer, you knew you were on the right track, “So let me tell you right upfront, Jeon Jeongguk. The times of me crying over what could have been are over. Because for the first time in over five years, I am finally happy. Completely and utterly happy. And I'm not like you. I'm not going to throw away my happiness like you did.”

He slowly but surely let go of your arm, his shoulders slumping.

“You were wrong back then, you know? It wasn't me who could have been lucky to have you,” you smiled at him, “It could have been you who would have been lucky to have me. But that's your loss.. not mine.”

He came here for Taehyung, but he didn't even think about his hyung after this encounter.

All he could think about was regret.. his body was full of nothing but regret.

You, on the other hand, got into the elevator with a proud smile and entered your apartment with an even happier smile as you saw your son waddling towards you. 

Completely naked.

“Hey, hey, hey, why are you running around with no pants again?”

The little boy giggled and hid behind you and a moment later, Taehyung slid into the hallway with his socks.

“Oh! Hey! You got him!”

“Did he run away again when you wanted to change his diapers?”

“I swear it's not my fault,” he laughed, quickly kissed your cheek and then picked up his son, “Come on now, I know changing diapers isn't your favorite, I don't like it either, buddy, especially after the last time you peed in my face, but it has to be done.”

You walked into the kitchen with a grin to put away the groceries when your daughter joined you.

“Who was that guy, mom?” she sounded worried, but you still smiled at her.

“Just.. someone from my past.”

Maybe she knew. If she did, she didn't say anything. 

Life changed as much for you as it did for her. 

She wasn’t the three year old anymore who was yearning for a father, because she had one now. And even if she knew that Taehyung wasn’t her biological father, it didn’t matter to her. He raised her. He loved her. He cared for her.

She hugged you from behind like the angel that she was and held you tight, whispering, “I love you, mommy,” into your back.

Your life used to be so broken that you felt like it would never be okay again.

But as you could hear your son scream from happiness and your husband making airplane sounds and as you turned around to properly hug your daughter, you once again realized that you’ve finally passed the stage of darkness.

“I love you too, Zoe Kim.”

[nightklok]

Kloktober Day 1 Prompt

Prompt: Favorite Character and OTP Pairing: Picklegail (Pickles the Drummer/Abigail Remeltindtdrinc) Title: The war is over and we are beginning Characters: Pickles the Drummer, Abigail Remeltindtdrinc, Eclair (cat), band members and charles are only mentioned Trigger Warnings: Very slight angst, very slight mention/discussion of trauma/PTSD. Tags: Some dark humor, mentioned trauma, discussion of trauma, fall, post galagtikon 2, hopeful/happy ending Summary: It's the first fall Pickles has realized he's lived through in years.

Author's Note: Yes this is...6 days late-But i still wanted to publish this anyway so enjoy :')

Read this fic on AO3 or read below!

The first day of fall fell on a Saturday.

And Pickles would realize it was the first time he had actually been aware of fall in years.

He couldn’t remember the last time he saw the leaves change or pumpkin picking or any of the fall activities he sparingly went to as a kid. He simply had no time, family, or desire to do any of those things as he grew older. He had the sudden moment of sadness that he had missed another fall but told himself fall was gonna come back next year and he’d just look at the leaves harder next fall. But he never did.

But now, he had the time. A lot of it. And a fresh perspective on life and just how wonderful living a quiet life was.

Getting to sleep in on a Saturday morning with the person he loved the most and having nothing else to do for the day was one of them. Normally, Abigail was the one who woke up earlier but for the weekend, it got to be the opposite. He could get up in an hour, make some breakfast and they could see about doing something together. Whether it’s going outside or staying in and watching something. But at the moment, he was content enough just sleeping.

But it wouldn’t last long sadly. Despite nothing important needing to be done for the day, he was woken up by the sound of meowing and a cat smacking his face.

Éclair, their beautiful cat they found outside a K-Mart, happened to like going on walks in the morning. And she was very persistent about her walks being exactly at 7:13 AM. It was 7:13 AM.

“C’mon, it’s Saturday,” He murmured as he pulled the blanket closer to his face, hoping that he could sleep for just a few more minutes.

But Éclair had no concept of time and would continue pawing at the sheets and when she began whining, he knew that his time sleeping in was already over. He didn’t want to wake her up and figured she deserved the extra hour of sleeping.

“Okay, okay, I’ll take you on a walk,” Pickles finally answered as he used a hand to gently push her away just so he could sit up. He was careful to not disturb Abigail but he saw her move and murmur something he couldn’t quite hear. He had to assume by the tone that she meant she was gonna do it. She always tried to even when he told her to sleep in on weekends.

“Just go back to sleep, babe, I’ll take care of it.” He answered quickly as he got out of bed but she was already sitting up.

“I’ll come with you.” She answered, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes., “Just give me a few minutes.”

There was no convincing otherwise and he was too tired himself to argue. He quickly snuck in a kiss before he got out of bed, “Alright, take your time.”

By the time he had thrown on some clothes and made himself look presentable enough, Abigail was already by the front door, kneeling down to leash Éclair. Despite them taking the same time to get ready, she looked like she had spent much more time doing it. Then again, she always looked beautiful to him regardless of how much time she spent.

He really did save the world to get to see today huh.

She stood up once she leashed the cat and turned to look at him with that small smile he always loved, “Ready to go?”

“Yeah,” He answered as he made sure he put the house keys in his pocket before opening the door to let her out first before himself. Éclair already began wandering around the front lawn, as far as her leash would go.

They were hit by a cool breeze that gently swayed the trees surrounding them, causing some of the red and orange leaves to fall gracefully onto the ground. The trees weren’t entirely turning their leaves yet but the appearance was showing much more by the day. And each day only meant another normal day. The worst was behind them.

“You sure you don’t wanna get a jacket?” She asked.

“Nah, I’ll be fine. Got my own body heat.” He answered before he pulled her slightly closer enough to feel her skin heat up by the touch, “Besides I know how you can warm me up if I get cold.”

She wanted to mention about the neighbors or anybody seeing them but there was no one around at the moment. It was just them enjoying the early morning fall, the cool breeze and quiet excitement for a new season that just begun.

“Well, are you cold now?” She asked as she pulled him a bit closer.

He didn’t say anything else but reached up to kiss her, feeling her warm lips as they pressed against his. It felt as compassionate as the other thousands of kisses they must’ve shared in their lifetime. Honestly, he could probably find the same feelings he felt kissing her when he got a first kiss; the excitement, anticipation and pure love that he got to kiss someone he loved.

Their kiss was interrupted when she felt her leash getting tugged by Éclair who had grown impatient of them. She sat as far as the leash would let her, looking up at them expectantly. Amused, they walked past their front lawn to the sidewalk but felt the leash being pulled once again. They turned around to find her sitting still, meowing impatiently.

“C’mon, wanna walk a bit more? No? Okay.” Pickles answered with a laugh as Abigail went to pick her up. Almost immediately, she climbed up on her shoulders as she always preferred.

Her idea of walking outside was to walk a few steps and one of them had to pick her up for the rest of the walk. Walking around a block required too much energy. Did they expect her to actually walk alongside them every morning? Yes. Did she never fulfill that dream? No. But they also fed into her routine and nature, it wasn’t just their house anymore after all.

There was no use in arguing with a stubborn cat. She had made her territory in Abigail’s shoulder and they simply had to go along with it. She adjusted the leash so the other end of it would hook onto the inner jacket pocket that had a small sewn in hole meant for earphones. Once she made sure that the leash was secure inside, she reached over to hold his hand who quickly took it.

They took the usual route around the block. Shoes crunched against freshly fallen leaves, the wind picked up slightly again causing the leaves around them to move gently against the wind to a new area. If Pumpkin Spice Lattes and Apple Cider weren’t a symbol that fall was approaching, it was the leaves.

Pickles did try to remember when he last fall. Was it when he was a kid? A teen, maybe? He always fled before fall approached somehow. Always ended up in an area where he could not see the seasons change and everything remained a stagnant season the whole time.

But there was nothing to run from anymore. He could stay and watch the seasons change and turn forever if he wanted to now. Is this what freedom really feels like?

“Do you wanna go grab some coffee at the coffee shop?” She asked, interrupting his thoughts.

He quickly snapped his attention back to her and nodded, “Yeah, actually, the one two blocks from here, right?”

“Yep.”

He knew she knew that something was on his mind but she thankfully didn’t say anything. She already knew enough that he would speak when he was ready and he was always thankful for being able to fill in the gaps when he couldn’t speak. And she would always be thankful when he knew what she meant to say when she could barely get a word. It was a secret language between the two that no one but them knew and it was one they were both incredibly fluent in.

The coffee shop was a mom-and-pop one located on the end of the corner. LGBT friendly (Did he ever find those kind of coffee shops growing up?) and even had a small corner of the area for younger kids to play with. It was one of the places that they always loved frequently going to-if they weren’t well known to the world, they would’ve been known pretty well to the baristas.

“I can take Éclair, you can go order for us.” Pickles said. There were seats outside and given the weather, it wouldn’t be so bad to just sit outside and drink coffee while enjoying nature.

“Alright. The usual?”

“Surprise me.”

Pickles managed to take Éclair off her shoulder and set her down when he found a seat with decent shade. He tied the leash to the pole of the table but she seemed uninterested in exploring and instead jumped on his lap, presumably to take a quick nap.

He checked his phone while he waited, trying to catch up on whatever missed emails and posts from friends he had missed. Admittedly, going from seeing his friends everyday to now once a week at most was one of the toughest things to shift to. From knowing everything that went on in their lives, his knowledge of their whereabouts now came from whatever they posted in the group chat or social media.

Toki’s selfie with Magnus over the Eiffel Tower during their backpacking in Europe route. Nathan’s blurry image of a kid playing with a gator from the alligator rescue/children’s daycare he had started with Rachel. Skwisgaar’s video of one of the songs he was working with Nathan. A prototype rollercoaster blueprint from Murderface for the Dethklok amusement parks he and Knubbler were in charge of. And Charles not sending a photo but reminding him through text about a meeting regarding his solo album.

It was a crazy feeling to have looking at the boys he had lived with for more than a decade suddenly doing their own things. Did he feel left out? Maybe things were moving too fast? Miss the old times? He didn’t really know.

He found himself staring at his screen for far too long until Abigail came back taking a seat in front of him, “They’ll be coming over in a few minutes.”

He set the phone down, “Alright, what’d you get me?”

“You did mention you wanted me to surprise, didn’t you?” She answered with a playful smile that was clear she wouldn’t go easy on him.

“C’mon, I gotta know if I’m allergic to it or not. Could very well be allergic to milk today and might not even know it.”

“Guess it’s up to you to find out then; I’m sure there’s an EpiPen somewhere.”

Of course, she wanted to ask what was wrong but she didn’t want to press him. She knew he would budge eventually, he always did, but it was just a matter of patience and hoping to catch him at the right time.

Eventually, the barista came with the tray of coffees and food she had ordered, including a puppuccino for Éclair who woke up and hopped down to get her treat when Abigail set it down to get everyone’s orders.

She set the pumpkin spiced coffee, cinnamon rolls and a breakfast sandwich in front of him. She had ordered the same pumpkin spice coffee and breakfast sandwich; she always tried to avoid desserts for breakfast but he quickly shoved in a cinnamon roll in her plate anyway, “Here it can be your cheat day.”

“But you made me macrons yesterday.” She pointed out.

“It was sugar-free. And you can’t just pass off on a warm cinnamon roll. It’s bad for the environment I saved.”

She contemplated not even long enough before agreeing. They were pretty good cinnamon rolls…, “Guess I’ll need to pay for your contributions. Alright, I’ll take it.”

Pickles grinned as he took a sip of the coffee. It was still hot but he refused to even express he burnt his tongue for the sake of looking cool, “Great, glad my hard work paid off.”

For as much as he joked around, he didn’t mention anything about what was bothering him for the rest of their breakfast.

He would mention it on the walk back home when it was Pickles’ turn to let Éclair lay on his shoulder and Abigail holding a bag of free treats that the baristas insisted they take home. A few desserts as payment for saving the world. It was well worth it.

“I forgot what fall was like.” Pickles finally said as he looked at her. He didn’t downplay his feelings by joking

“You did?” She asked.

“Yeah. It had been too long since I last saw leaves and everything else and whatever. I guess it’s making me realize how long I missed out on some things, y’know?”

She had to wonder how he even forgot about fall. Or the fact that his hair color always reminded her of it. It was the color of vibrant red autumn leaves, not quite ready to fall yet but when the sun hit it, it showed the intricate details and would even shine as bright as it sometimes. And how could she ever put that into the right words? Maybe it just wasn’t the right moment, “Nostalgia?”

“I-I guess it’s that. Yeah. Nostalgic for the old things I guess. I was too used to that life. And I’m very happy with you, I really am! I’m doing more of the things now than I did before, but it’s hard to just completely let go of the past.”

Of course, he thought she would get offended which is why he didn’t look at her. Here he was clinging to his past again like some spoiled brat. If only he didn’t open his mouth. He probably seemed so ungrateful-

But he was met instead with warm hands taking his and he looked up to a very understanding Abigail, “I understand. There’s some things I miss and feel nostalgic for too. I don’t expect you to not miss those things. These things just end up happening, it’s part of natural life.”

“I guess…it’s just a lot harder to adjust than I thought. I’m sorry if I’m just dumping this on you, though. I know that this hasn’t been easy for you either.”

It wasn’t easy when Abigail could barely sleep without getting horrific nightmares that he had stayed up most nights worrying about. It wasn’t easy when Pickles ended up getting horrific nightmares too when he came back home, and he had yet to tell her all that he dreamt about. Their future kids, grandkids even, and even the current neighborhood kids would ask for stories of their heroism. Do they even dare talk about the price that was paid for it?

It couldn’t even be said that they had overcome it. The nightmares were less frequent, yes, but they were there. All it took was one bad night to ruin a week or month even. The horrors of their past would most likely be there for the rest of their lives, looming over and ready to strike when things seemed to be better.

But they made it so far together too. What’s another mile anyway?

“It hasn’t been easy but we’re both getting there.” She paused her walking to look at him, “We made it so far together, after all. I don’t expect you to be okay the same way you don’t expect me to be okay either, right? I’m not gonna ask you to do anymore than you already are doing and what you’re doing is enough.”

“And if it’s not enough? God, what if I’m just fucking up right now? There’s no way I can just…I don’t even know what. It’s just terrifying to be falling down that dark path again.”

She watched as Éclair looked up to the leaves around them, eyes completely dilated to look at the world around her. A leaf would just brush past her, failed to be caught and it fell to the ground.

Of course the leaves would eventually be raked. Whatever wasn’t thrown out or burned would eventually become mulch for the soil. Would help provide for the soil when spring rolls around. Then everything will grow again. Everything will be okay.

“If we fall again, we start over and flourish.”

—

“What was your last memory with fall if you don’t mind my asking?” Abigail asked that evening. They sat in the living room couch, sharing a blanket as they watched Knives Out. It would quickly become a tradition for them to watch whatever fall-related movies there were just to get in the spirit.

He paused for a moment, before finally coming up with an answer, “I met you, didn’t I? We were at that fall event Cornickelson used to host. It was probably a few years before you became Dethklok’s music producer? But anyway, we were paired at the same table and I was probably awkward as fuck right then and there but you still wanted to talk to me. We went to the garden and we just ended up talking about everything. God, I felt like a teenager with their first crush when I was with you. I never got to say that your hair color reminded me of the leaves.”

[weasleytentia]

I’ll meet you there

 ↳ I’ll meet you there, Fred Weasley

fred weasley x fem!gryffindor!reader

summary: after the disaster at Bill and Fleur’s wedding you and Fred share one of the last tranquil moments together before the Battle of Hogwarts.

warnings: slight mentions of sex between consensual adults, almost non-existent, mentions of blood, violence, death and lots of angst. some fluff at the beginning tho <3<3

comments are very much appreciated!!

a/n: i cried writing this so i really hope u like this. i spent more than five hours working on this even tho i’m not satisfied at all. please lemme know if u like this, i may have changed some things in the story since i got pretty carried away haha. xx

Your fingertips traced circles of various sizes on his chest and you could still feel his fastened heartbeat through that touch, the love marks you had left on his skin were still of a very intense purple. His left arm was holding you closer to him while the other was calmly and tenderly caressing your hair, your messy locks were spread across the pillow. 

“What will be of us, Freddie, in a few years?” You hummed with a raspy voice while the first rays of the sun made their way through the curtains, and you could feel their timid warmness on your bare skin. “What will be of all of us?”

A few days had passed since Bill and Fleur’s wedding and since the Ministry of Magic had fallen. You had yet to recover from that night, Ron, Harry and Hermione had disappeared leaving you with nothing but worries, and the scars that event had left in your heart would probably never go away. Things weren’t surely going too well in the Wizarding World - well, actually - you couldn’t even force yourself to remember those days in which you had no worries at all: the only thought of you, an eleven-years-old girl, entering the gates of Hogwarts for the first time almost made you want to go back and live your first year forever. 

That year you had met Fred and George Weasley, a very odd couple of twins - you had thought - but since that day in the Gryffindor Common Room you became inseparable: there was no Fred and George Weasley without Y/N Y/L/N. You weren’t actually the type to pull pranks on other students nor the one to misbehave, in fact, you were quite a bookworm and had an obsession regarding Hogwarts’ rules - nevertheless - you still were their best accomplice. One time the twins had tried one of their infamous candies on a younger student and he had to immediately go to the toilet: needless to say, professor McGonagall had questioned Fred and George and before you could even say “Quidditch” you were in detention. “I can’t believe that I got in trouble with you guys.” you had hissed while writing the one-hundreth sorry on a paper. “The truth is that you just missed us too much.”

“I think we will be just fine, darling.” Fred murmured with a relaxed tone in his voice, never stopping to play with your hair. You knew he just said that to calm you down and to not cause you more stress, but how could you ever believe him? 

Your chin raised up just a little so that you could see the expression on his face, and you contemplated the man that had accompanied you for so many years, never leaving your side. His thin lips were still reddish and almost plumper, recalling the sweet night you had passed together, and his eyes were closed as if he had nothing to worry about, as if in the whole world there was no one but the two of you. His way of being impassive to difficult situations wasn’t really odd to you since he rarely showed any kind of concern, but there were times in which you had witnessed an unknown part of Fred: during your third year at Hogwarts you got seriously injured during one of your Quidditch matches, falling from your broom and hitting your head. You were asleep for a couple of days and when you woke up in the middle of the night, you were utterly surprised at noticing a sleeping Fred right beside you, barely fitting in the chair Madame Pomfrey had given him. As soon as your hand touched his thigh he opened his eyes wide, immediately reaching for your hand, and you almost remember seeing a different glimpse in his eyes as if he had cried, That night, you shared your first timid kiss and since that cool spring night, he never left your side.

“I don’t know, Freddie,” you slightly got up sitting on the bed that was never meant for two and turned your head to look at him. “Your brother has just gone poof” and you gestured that with your hands, “What if the-they are gone? What if they found them and, and we just don’t…”

“Love,” The redhead quickly got up too and came closer to your face. “They are not a bunch of idiots and they surely know how to protect themselves.” He took one of your locks and put it behind your ear, “What about us?” you asked, your eyes searching for a source of reassurance in his. “O-Our family, our friends…”

He parted your lips but your heart was burdened of so much weight that you didn’t let him speak, quickly talking before he could. “The battle is imminent, Freddie, we cannot pretend that everything is going to be fine,” Your eyes were now watery as his never stopped staring into yours, not even a glimpse of sadness or worry. “It’s just a matter of time and I don’t want to risk it.” You breathed out, “I don’t want to lose you.”

Fred was quick to wipe your tears away with his thumbs as he took your face into his palms, lightly kissing the tip of your nose as he always did when you were about to cry, which - in some way - calmed you a bit. As the warmness of his hands left your cheeks you felt the soft material of the blanket on your shoulders, which made a light smile appear on your lips. 

“You’re so beautiful when you smile,” he hummed, “that’s what makes me go through this shit, your smile Y/N, I never want you to stop smiling, alright? ‘Cause your smile it’s my only source of happiness now.”

“What if…”

“You won’t lose me, love, I promise you that.” Fred got up and picked up his shirt from the floor. “I’ll always stay by my pretty girl’s side, alright?”

From the first time in a few days you found yourself to smile sincerely.

You opened your arms demanding one of his tight and endless hugs, and as you snuggled more into his chest you closed your eyes, cradled by the same perfume you had smelled in your Amortentia during your fifth year: fireworks, candies and the familiar scent of the Burrow.

                                                         ∘◦❀◦∘

“Expelliarmus!”

Your right leg incredibly hurt as you limped into the cold and oddly emptied hallways, a few witches and wizards still battling against each other, throwing colourful spells from their wands that made the place look like a show of fireworks. Your leg had been cut by a spell casted by a Death Eater and was now bleeding uncontrollably, the aching pain made you bite your lip.

You couldn’t recognize which of the many hallways you were crossing which was odd since you had walked those very steps during your seven years there, but everything was chaotic and... different.

In fact, Hogwarts wasn’t the same place anymore: some of the walls had fallen down and the candles that once lit up the school were now extinguished, the same place in which you saw yourself and your friends grow up, full of happiness and friendship, was now a gloomy and cold grave. Although the thought of encountering another Death Eater made shivers run through your spine your main concern was not finding Fred anywhere, since you both parted ways just right after the beginning of the battle. 

“Stay with dad, you got me?”

Fred’s eyes looked at Arthur, his father, who was standing just a few meters away from you while the two of you had found a corner apart from everyone else. You had felt the urge to embrace him, squeezing the fabric of his coat. 

“Why?” you cried into his chest, “why can’t we stick together?”

“Y/N, love” he tenderly cupped your cheeks with his steady hands looking at you with the same Love with which he had looked at you during your first Yule Ball together. “I have to stick with Georgie, he needs me.”

You closed your eyes biting your lower lip.

“Dad will protect you, alright, darling?”

You nodded in response unable to utter a single word.

Chaos started to fill the room as Voldemort’s army broke the protection spell but you never stopped looking at Fred, still searching for that reassurance.

For the first time his eyes weren’t sparkly but had a glimpse of uncertainty and fear.

 “I’ll find you.” you murmured, “At the Great Hall.”

“I’ll meet you there.” You could feel the tension build between the two of you and in a matter of seconds, your lips crashed together, as he held you close to him as if he wished to do anything but to let you go. That kiss didn’t last long since, one moment Fred was standing right in front of you and after a few seconds you had lost him along with Arthur.

You were all on your own.

“Y/N.”

You heard a feminine voice that made you immediately turn around the corner, finding one of your close friends, Luna Lovegood, standing there. You instantly couldn’t think of anything else but to hug her tightly, her being the only familiar face you had seen in a while. You couldn’t say that you seriously understood Luna and her ramblings about weird Magical Creatures, but her personality and her immense loyalty to you had made you love her a lot. After breaking the hug you noticed a cut on her cheek and you sighed in relief. 

“I’m so glad that you’re alive.”

“Thank you,” she smiled, “Have you seen Harry?”

“No, I haven’t seen him at all, have you seen Fred?”

Luna looked at the ceiling as if she was thinking very hard to remember what she had seen, given that many things were happening at the same time.

All of a sudden, your head started to spin as you heard a hissing voice coming from an unknown location: then, you realised to whom that voice belonged. 

The words were very clear, the battle was now over and all of Voldemort’s minions had retreated. You glanced toward Luna who put her wand down and your brief moment of happines was soon replaced by a strange feeling.

“Luna, please tell me if you have seen him.” “I reckon he was with his brother, George.”

She then lowered her gaze to your bleeding leg as she started asking question on how you wounded yourself, but her presence was now minor, you had to figure out where your boyfriend was. Your brain was trying to work out a few places in which he could find him and suddenly, it hit her.

“The Great Hall.”

You murmured to yourself more than to Luna and quickly nodded a thank you to her before sprinting away toward the place in which you had spent most of your days. As you ran - trying to ignore the aching pain your body was in - all of the past years spent by his side started to resurface in your mind: the long walks toward Hogsmeade holding hands like little kids and the multiple butterbeers you would drink in just one evening, the various nights where you snuck out of your dorms and explored the castle using the Marauder’s Map, the hours of detention spent together cuddling and giggling at his jokes about Snape’s nose. The kisses he gave you everytime you won at Quidditch shouting to everyone in the Common Room: “That’s my girl!”

As soon as you crossed the immense doors of the Great Hall all of your thoughts vanished like dust in the wind. The first person you saw was Ron and you smiled widely limping toward him, but there was no smile, only a simpathetic sad expression. You felt a strange sensation at the tip of your stomach as something didn’t feel quite right.

“Ron.” You mumbled with a dry mouth. “Where’s everyone?”

Ron didn’t answer, instead, he just lowered his gaze and took a few steps to his right, revealing a scene you had only thought of in the worst of your nightmares. George was standing still, looking at you with tears streaming down his face, sobbing uncontrollably. His eyes were now void as if he had been deprived of his own soul. Molly was kneeling down just like Arthur and Percy, while Ginny was crying in Harry’s arms, and as you stood there all of their eyes were on you. 

Every step you took was like being stabbed in the heart, each time by a much sharper knife. You started to feel your legs go numb and you didn’t even feel the pain of the wound anymore, because the pain irradiating into your chest was much more stronger. You fell to your knees, arms immediately reaching for the fabric of his clothes, squeezing them tight making your knuckles become white, and you contemplated his face.

“Fred,” you whispered as your tears fell on his shirt, “Freddie please, please, wake up.”

His once brown eyes were now closed, his face was covered in ashes and seemed to be paler. He looked as beautiful as the last time you had seen him, but when you sweetly brought your hand to his check, you found it cold to the touch. “What happened, Molly?” It came out as an odd murmur, your brain still not processing what you were seeing, “Did he, d-did he hit his head? We should-, we probably should bring him to a muggle hospital.”

The woman couldn’t stop herself from crying as she reached for the top of your head, caressing your hair. “Oh, Y/N, dear...”

“Fred?”

You asked once again and checked for a movement, a wink, anything. 

Maybe he was just faking it to scare everyone and then, when no one saw it coming, he would stand up on his feet at laugh at all of you for believing such a stupid thing. Fred Weasley couldn’t have died like that.

The more you looked, the more his chest didn’t move an inch, but as you desperately searched for any sign you noticed his lips curled into a small yet visible smile, and then you realized.

He was gone.

Fred Weasley was gone and had left you in just a couple of hours. 

The one person who had never judged you, the one person who had planned a forever with you, had just left you and there was nothing you could do about it. 

Fred Weasley was dead.

The screams of agony were almost muffled by all of the voices into that crowded place and by George’s embrace. As he held you tight the both of you cried the unjust and unexplained death of a brother, a partner in crime, a lover.

Even in death Fred Weasley had left you with one of the best gifts you could have ever asked for and that had made all of your days bright... his smile.

[sofreddie]

Serendipitous Souls 9

Summary: Dean can't believe he forgot.

Characters: Dean x OC!Reader

Warnings: Angst, Fluff

Word Count: 1,760

Dean woke with a start. The cabin was dark and the fire was down to embers. He wasn’t sure what woke him. Y/N was fast asleep beside him and he smiled, kissing her head before slinking from the bed. He threw on his boxer briefs and stumbled to the bathroom. Once done he stopped in the doorway, looking over the cabin in confusion. Something felt off. His sleep addled brain struggled to catch up.

He shuffled into the living area and stared at the front door, his brow furrowed in thought. His gaze traveled down the length of the door to the floor.

No salt line.

Then it clicked.

He was so distracted by Y/N, by this whole thing between them, that he’d lost his common freaking sense. He was wide-awake now as he hurried to grab the duffle with his hunting supplies - thank you Sam - and began putting up basic motel-room protections.

Y/N awoke several minutes later, the sounds of shuffling and hurried movements stirring her. She threw on Dean’s flannel, hastily doing a few buttons, before slinking her way into the living area.

Dean had worked himself into a frenzy. She could see salt lines along the door and windows. Dean was muttering to himself as he took stock of the items in his hunting duffel.

“Dean?” she asked quietly, afraid to disturb him but wondering what had happened. She hadn’t seen this side of Dean yet. The real Deal. The troubled Hunter and tragic hero Dean. She swallowed down the guilt and panic she felt over reality crashing into her again, “You okay?”

He met her eyes with a tired and worried gaze. His jaw was tight and she knew he was upset.

“No,” he shook his head, sighing as he continued sorting his items.

“Is there something I can do to help?” she was trying to tread carefully, knowing how he could be.

He looked up at her again, his gaze softening somewhat when he realized she was wearing his shirt - and only his shirt - and it just barely covered everything. He licked his bottom lip into his mouth, biting down on it, before shaking himself out of it.

“Yeah,” he said, finally packing the items away, seemingly satisfied, “I wanna take you tomorrow to get a tattoo,” he said, dropping the bag to the side and resting his hands on her sides, “This one,” he said pointing to his chest, “Wherever you want. But you gotta get it, okay?”

“Okay,” she agreed easily, “What’s got you so worked up?”

“I didn’t salt the doors and windows,” he stated, clearly pissed with himself, “I’ve been doing this my whole life. I know the routine. But I let myself be so distracted-” he cut himself off, seeing Y/N drop her gaze and fight a pout, “-it’s not your fault,” he insisted, lifting her chin to meet his eyes once more, “It’s not. I just lost focus and I know better. I have to keep you safe. Even if everything seems happy and perfect, I have to assume the worst. To keep you safe.”

“Okay,” she responded again, placing a hand over his heart, “I’ll remember too, okay?” she offered, smiling at him.

He nodded, letting out a sigh of relief at how understanding she was. Of course she is. She’s his other half. He wrapped her in his arms, kissing the top of her head and tucking her under his chin. After several minutes of him silently holding her, she led them back to bed. She let him move her how he needed, finding herself back in the hugging position from before, safely in his arms.

Dean was silent and pensive as they packed up their belongings in the Impala. He was proud of himself for not freaking out as much as he usually would the night before. But something about Y/N made him calmer. Still, internally, he was a mess. He couldn’t stop berating himself over forgetting basic protections. Couldn’t stop worrying about her well-being.

What if something had happened?

What if someone was trailing them?

As they drove to the nearby tattoo parlor Dean had found, their conversation was light. Mostly monosyllabic responses to one another. Yet the air between them still seemed full. She was patient and kind and understanding and Dean didn’t feel he deserved it, but was thankful for it all the same.

As they parked outside the parlor, Y/N was beaming with excitement. Her inner fangirl won this round as she babbled on about the tattoo and where to get it and how she’d thought of getting it before. After much discussion regarding placement - and Dean shooting down suggestions that might have the artist seeing more than he’d like of his girl - she chose to have it on her chest, just like him and Sam. The fangirl won another round.

As she laid back in only her bra, exposing her chest for the artist, Dean stood by vigilantly watching every detail. Of course, the tattoo had to be exact. But Dean was more focused on ensuring the artist was a professional and not taking in his canvas. Luckily for them both, he was, and he finished rather quickly. As Y/N redressed, Dean paid him, before helping her back out to the car.

“Awesome,” she smiled as she examined the tattoo, smiling over at Dean. He returned her smile, thankful she was protected.

“So, listen,” Dean said as he began driving down the road once more. He loved how comfortable she’d become in the car, as if she belonged there. And Dean supposed she did, right beside him. “I talked to Sam this morning. There’s a case not too far from here and he needs some back up,” he chanced a glance at her to see the smile slipping from her face and worry etching into her features, “It should only take a few days, maybe,” he continued.

“O-okay,” she responded, forcing a smile onto her face for his benefit, but he could see right through it.

He sighed heavily, “I can’t stop hunting, Y/N,” he grimaced, having to hash out this talk once more. He was tired of it really. Tired of where it always, inevitably led.

“I know,” she agreed with a slight nod, “I wasn’t asking you to.”

“You’re upset.” He pointed out.

“Not with you,” she sighed, looking out the window at the passing scenery. It always helped her think, “I know you hunt, obviously,” she huffed out, before looking over at him, “I just hadn’t really thought about it much since coming here.”

“Okay,” Dean nodded, licking his lips, “Well, it’s only slightly off our road trip and we can continue the trip after-”

“I know,” she said a little more forcefully, “I know,” she repeated more calmly, “You have a job to do. I get that. I watch you save the world every week!” she exclaimed with a humorless laugh. Dean patiently waited for her to continue, “It’s just…every time you go out I gotta worry if you’re coming back now,” she mumbled with a pout, “And I gotta worry if everyone I come across could be a monster.”

Dean let out a long sigh. She was right. He wanted to comfort her, promising he’ll always come back. Tell her she didn’t have to live in fear. But that was his life. Her worries were valid.

How could he soothe her when her concerns were his own?

“I’ve been thinking about this since Chuck paired us,” he breathed out, “Watching our lives from the comfort of your living room is a lot easier than living it. But you already know so much, which helps more than I can explain. I can teach you things, keep you with me or Sam to keep you safe. But what you already know helps so fucking much,” he breathed out.

“It’s just scary and sobering,” she shrugged, “So I guess I’ll hang back at the motel while you two do your thing?” she asked.

He nodded, pursing his lips, “Yeah, I think that’s best. And maybe you could help with research or something too. We could always use another brain and set of eyes,” he smiled warmly at her and she gave him a small smile in return. “You, uh…” he cleared his throat and shifted in his seat, “You don’t want to hunt…right?”

“You mean do I want to willingly throw myself at things that want to kill and eat me?” she chuckled, “No thanks. I’ll hang back at base and chant ‘Go team’,” she snorted a laugh.

“Good,” Dean released a breath he didn’t know he was holding, “Good, that’s…good.” She giggled and they were silent for a while before she noticed Dean’s face pinched in thought once more.

“What now?” she sighed out dramatically, smirking at him playfully.

“That just seemed too easy,” he explained in a mumble and Y/N looked at him confused before he tried to elaborate, “Just usually there’s arguing, fighting, declarative statements and ultimatums,” he pointed out, “I’ve had this talk, too many times, and whether its a woman or a friend or freakin’ Sam,” he huffed out a laugh, “It’s always, always an argument.”

“Do you want me to argue with you?” she asked.

“What? No.” Dean was quick to defend, “It’s just…last night you calmed me down without a fight and today you’re so agreeable and understanding, and still no fight. I don’t like fighting and arguing. It’s just…unusual to not have to I guess is what I mean.”

She shifted in her seat to face him, one leg bent on the seat, an elbow propped on the back of the seat, her head leaning against her fist. “Okay, well, I could argue that it’s dangerous or it’s not just you or a bunch of things, right? But then you’d be all,” she drops her tone and tries to mimic his deep, gruffy voice with an exaggerated pout and Dean can’t help but laugh, “-but it’s my life. Saving People. Hunting Things. The Family Business-” he nods in agreement, a big grin on his face as he continues listening to her, “And we could get all mopey and sad and worry about what might happen,” she lets out a long breath and smiles at him, “Or we can just prepare for the worst, hope for the best, and be happy as much as possible.”

“I like that plan,” he agreed with a nod. She smiles and leans forward, placing a lingering soft kiss on his stubbled cheek.

“Me too.”

Forevers:

@sis-tafics

@lyarr24

@calaofnoldor

@hobby27

@spnbaby-67

Dean Winchester:

@akshi8278

@jerkbitchidjitassbutt

Serendipitous Souls:

@brilovesdeanwinchester

@xhannahbananax03

@440mxs-wife

@crist1216

@deans-baby-momma

[raindancer2004]

Alec and his Cinderella

Word Count: 6,198 Alec x reader Part Five - Final Part. Warnings: Alec is aged up. Fluff, Angst, NSFW 

Request for @wallwriterstuff​ - Y/N goes through her transformation and has fun exploring her new immortal life with Alec and her friends at the castle. Y/N also learns to develop her gift.

Alec, Y/N and Ness returned to Volterra the following summer after graduating High School. It had been agreed that Alec would change Y/N about a month after they arrived back at the castle but Y/N had one condition that she hoped Aro, Caius and Marcus would agree to when the time came.

Aro was very pleased to see that Ness had come back with Alec and Y/N “Welcome back Ness, so happy to see you again” “Thank you Aro. I remember you said I’d always be welcome and well…after the past year a change of scenery was needed” She replied “Yes, Alec mentioned it’s been a rough year with regards to…Jacob. You’re welcome to stay with us for as long as you’d like my dear” Aro smiled at her “Thank you Aro, that’s very kind of you”

Ness made her way to Demetri’s room and knocked on the door; a few seconds later the door opened “Ness” He smiled and wrapped his arms around her for a hug “Demetri” Her arms wrapping around him too “I’ve missed you” He pulled back a little and pulled her into his room, she closed the door behind her with her foot “I’ve missed you too. Alec mentioned you were coming back with him. How are you?” He asked as they took a seat on the sofa “Not so good…it’s been a rough year. As you know Jake’s behaviour got worse once I got back after my stay here last summer” She replied low “I’m just glad mom and dad understood why I wanted to come back here, why I needed to come back here” Demetri wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into his side “You can stay with me for as long as you’d like little one, you know that. I promised I’d keep you safe and I always will” He placed a kiss to her hair and felt her relax into him “I’m glad you said that Dem because I plan on staying a while” She placed a hand on his chest and snuggled into him “I feel better now I’m here…with you” Demetri smiled hearing this “I feel better now you’re here with me too Ness.” 

A few days Y/N asked if she could meet with the masters but in a less formal setting than the throne room; it was agreed that they would meet in Aro’s private study. “Hello Aro, Caius and Marcus” She greeted when she and Demetri entered Aro’s study “Hello Y/N, Demetri. It’s nice to see you both” Aro greeted “I-I would like to discuss my transformation with you…if I may?” “Of course Y/N. What about your transformation would you like to discuss?” Caius asked “I know Alec is a little worried / nervous about turning me as he has never turned anyone before, so I wondering…if Demetri could be the room too…just in case?” She asked low “I don’t see that being a problem as long as Demetri agrees” Aro replies “Although you should know Y/N that Demetri hasn’t turned anyone either…” Aro continued before Marcus cut him off “Brother, Demetri has witnessed a few of the guards being turned by us remember and I am sure he will step in if Alec needed or wanted his help. Isn’t that right my dear boy” “Of course master, I’d be happy to be there for Y/N and Alec when he changes her” Demetri replied smiling at Y/N “Thank you” She replied looking at the four vampires. 

Later that afternoon Y/N told Alec about what had been agreed between her and the masters “I hope you don’t mind but I thought we’d both feel better with Demetri in the room when you turn me” Y/N said low “Of course, I don’t mind. If I am being honest, I was planning on asking Demetri to be here with me when I changed you…just in case” Alec replied smiling wrapping his arms around her. 

The following day Demetri, Ness, Jane and Felix decide to try distract Y/N from her upcoming transformation and drag her and Alec outside to the garden “Right Y/N I want another go at trying to track you as I’m curious as to how you are able to just ‘disappear’” Demetri said looking at Y/N “Ok sure I‘ll just be over there somewhere” She points to the other side of the garden.  Demetri closed his eyes and took a breath and then tried to track Y/N; he found her instantly but after a few steps in the right direction, he stopped “What the..? Not again” Demetri called out sounding a little frustrated “What happened Dem?” Ness asked “Y/N…she’s disappeared…I-I can’t track her” He answered her “What are you on about D? She’s right there, I’m looking right at her” Felix said sounding amused “Yea right Fe” Demetri replied “No he’s being serious she’s standing right there, look” Jane said pointing at Y/N. Demetri made his way over to Jane and looked to where she was pointing “Huh, so she is. Well…that’s impressive” Demetri smiled looking at her “Hey Y/N you win, I couldn’t track you” He called out but she doesn’t answer, in fact she doesn’t move. “I don’t think she can hear me” Demetri sounded a little confused but then he started to realise something “Oh she’s good…even if she doesn’t know it” He says continuing to smile at her “Demetri what is it?” Alec asked “I’ll tell you once she’s changed if it still happens” He replied, the others nodding.

A week later Alec and Y/N are preparing for her transformation “Are you sure you’ll be ok changing me? I’m sure if we ask Demetri he would change me instead” She said looking into Alec’s eyes and holding his hand “Of course I would cara, anything for you Cinderella” Demetri said as he entered Alec’s room “I’ll be ok changing you Y/N, I’m just a little nervous…and although I’m happy you’ve agreed to spend forever with me I’m going to miss…certain things about you...” “Really Alec?” Demetri teased “Not that…I meant hearing her heartbeat slow as she sleeps, her warm hand in mine, the little…human things” Alec said smiling and holding Y/N’s other hand in his “I love you Alec” She kissed his lips “I’m ready when you two are” Y/N says and she leads Alec over to the bed “I love you too Y/N. I’ll see you in a few days” Alec placed a kiss to her forehead and then he kissed her neck before biting down letting his venom enter her system; tasting some her blood in the process. Alec felt Demetri’s hand on his shoulder “That’s enough Alec” Demetri said low; Alec pulled back and licked the bite wound closed “Thank you Demetri” Demetri nodded once “Would you like company Alec?” “I would yes, I need a distraction” He replied low.

Demetri stayed with Alec for the first day playing chess, cards and answering his questions about Ness “Demetri can I ask you a question?” “Of course Alec” He replied giving him his full attention “It-it’s about Ness” “What about her?” “You know she likes you right? That you’re the reason she came back this summer…she missed you” Alec said looking him in the eyes “I know and I like her too…I missed her too. I’ve told her she’s welcome to stay with me for as long she’d like and I reminded her that I’d keep my promise to keep her safe…always” Demetri replied honestly “Please don’t hurt her Demetri. I really do see her as another sister” “I could never and would never hurt her Alec. Just the thought…” He trailed off shaking his head, Alec smiled at him “You know what that means right?” “Yes Alec…but…it’s complicated” Demetri replied “I don’t think it is…” Alec smiled back “Anyway where is Ness today?” “She went shopping with Chelsea and Heidi. They wanted to get to know her a little and figured a shopping trip was the best way to do that. They also knew I’d be here with you today as you’re turning Y/N” Demetri replied “That was nice of them and Ness enjoys shopping” Alec responded “That she does” Demetri smiled “I even gave Ness my credit card” He chuckled “They’ll definitely be gone a while then” Alec chuckled in response. 

The following night Demetri was sitting at his desk sorting out some paperwork when he heard the shower being shut off. A few minutes later “Demetri” Ness says gaining his attention; he turns around in his chair to see her leaning against the bathroom doorframe wearing a black silky mid-thigh length chemise with a lace trim, her hand on her hip. His breath caught in his throat as he looked her up and down feeling venom pool in his mouth; his ruby coloured eyes darkening with lust. He sped over to her, his hands going to her hips “Stunning…little one” He breathed, Ness blushed looking up at him through her lashes her hands coming to rest on his chest “It’s new.” He lent down and pressed his lips lightly against hers before pulling back a little; her arms slid upwards wrapping around his neck and she pulled him back down for a kiss licking his bottom lip and he allowed her to deepen the kiss. His hands slid down from her hips to the back of her thighs and he lifted her up into his arms; her legs wrapping around his waist “Make love to me Demi” She whispered against his lips before kissing him again; he made his way over to his bed not breaking the kiss and laid her down, him hovering over her “Are you sure?” He asked as one of his hands ran upwards from her knee to her thigh coming to stop on her hip under the chemise; he felt the lace panties and growled low in her ear as he rolled his hips against hers “Yes” She sighed and kissed his neck; her legs tightening around him holding him close to her. He sat up on his knees her legs still wrapped around him and his hands moved up her sides taking the chemise with them “So beautiful” He smiled at her appreciating the sight in front of him. Her fingers unbuttoned his shirt and her hands moving up over his chest before she run her nails downwards and she heard a low growl leave him as he rested his forehead to hers; her hands continued to move lower unbuttoning his trousers, which he quickly discarded along with her panties and lifted her back onto his lap laying her down beneath him.

They both took a moment to take in the sight of each other, he leaned down and kissed her as he slowly entered her stilling halfway to allow her to get used to the new intrusion; she tapped his shoulder twice and he continued to enter her slowly until he was fully inside her, again stilling allowing her to get used to him “You’re so tight baby…and warm” She kissed him and tapped his shoulder again and he slowly began to thrust in and out of her; making love to her as she asked “Ahh” She breathed her hands on his shoulders holding him to her, she let her nails lightly scratch his back and he growled in her ear; thrusting a little harder that time, hitting a new spot inside her “Demi” His name falling from her lips like an oath, her eyes closing. He continued to make love to her, their soft moans filling his room. She felt a knot form inside her “I-I’m…Ahh…Demi” “I know baby, you’re ok. Cum for me” He encouraged her sensing she was close; his head dipping down to kiss her breasts, taking a nipple into his mouth and flicking his tongue over the sensitive bud as he gently massaged her other breast. He felt her walls clench around him “Fuck…Demi!” She cried out as she came; her first orgasm washing over her completely, her hands on his back holding him closer still “I love you” She whispered low; her whole body tingled from his touch and she felt a warmth spread through her, her toes curling against his skin, her eyes closed tight yet she could see dots behind her eyelids. She felt him come inside her, filling her deeply “Oh…Ness” Her warmth pulling him over the edge and into the abyss “I love you too” He replied; leaning down he kissed her showing her just much he loved  her, wanted her “Mine” He bit her neck gently claiming her and he felt her teeth sink into him, claiming him in return “Mine” She whispered and kissed him back pouring her love for him into that kiss. He pulled out of her and took her into the bathroom; washing them both in the shower before holding her in his arms all night as she slept.

The following morning Demetri and Ness went to Alec’s room to see how he and Y/N were doing. Jane and Alec were seated in the sofa reading when Demetri knocked on the door “Only us. Ok to come in?” He asked “Of course” Alec replied. They weren’t in the room long before Jane and Alec noticed the matching bite marks on Demetri and Ness’ necks and smiled at each other knowing what had transpired the previous night. “How’s Y/N doing?” Ness asked “Her heartbeat has slowed right down so she should be waking up anytime now” Alec replied “Is-is she going to be ok around me or do I need to leave? I don’t want to make her first few moments as a newborn uncomfortable for her” Ness sounded concerned “That’s sweet of you Ness” Alec got up and pulled Ness into a hug “I’m not sure how she’ll be around you…” “There are three of us and one of her cara. You’ll be safe I promise” Demetri cut him off looking down at Ness; she smiled up at him and nodded. 

Ten minutes later Y/N’s heart stopped and she opened her eyes; sitting up she scanned the room her now red eyes found Alec “Alec” She was in front of him so quick he almost didn’t catch her “Sorry” She chuckled “I’ve missed you” “I’ve missed you too my love” He kissed her, his arms wrapping around her holding her close. Demetri cleared his throat gaining their attention “Hey Cinderella, looking good” He playfully winked at her, Ness giggled tapping his chest “You’re terrible Demi” “You love me” He whispered low in her ear and she nodded. 

“Ness. You’re here” Y/N smiled and ran to her gently pulling her for a hug “Guess that answers that question” Jane mused. Y/N pulled back from Ness her hand rubbing her neck and stepped back into Alec “Sorry. It-It’s…” “My heartbeat” Ness finished low, Y/N nodded a slight sadness in her eyes as she looked at her friend “How about we all go hunting?” Alec said “Great idea” Jane smiled getting up “Can I come?” Ness asked low “Of course” Demetri smiled “You live with us the at the castle now…no more fluffy bunnies for you” Alec teased “Aunt Alice never said I couldn’t eat the bunny when she gave it to me as an Easter gift” Ness replied and poking her tongue out at him; everyone laughed at her “So you’ve never hunted humans before?” Y/N asked “Nope, because of the treaty and…my family’s diet choice. I’ve had a few blood bags over the years but...it’s not the same” She replied “Looks like we have two newbies to teach” Felix called from the doorway and they all set off for a hunting trip outside of the city. 

Y/N could smell the humans below them and she growled low squeezing Alec’s hand hard “You’re ok Y/N I’ve got you” Alec said but her grip didn’t ease up in fact she squeezed a little harder “Felix” He called low and Felix was right behind her “Y/N you’re beginning to crush his hand, remember you’re stronger than he is right now” Felix said placing a hand on her shoulder “I-I’m sorry” She whispered letting go of his hand “It’s ok. I’m right here” Alec reassured her wrapping an arm around her waist “Just follow our lead girls” Demetri said looking at Y/N and Ness “Stay close Ness” “Always Dem” She replied. “I never thought I’d see people camping out in the Tuscan countryside” Ness chuckled “Ha –humans are strange little things Ness” Jane said amusement clear in her voice. “Y/N stay with me and watch Alec” Felix said and put his hands on her waist as Alec let go of her; Y/N’s hand instantly grabbed Felix’s thigh and squeezed hard, she looked up at him worried “I barely feel it Y/N, perks of being the world’s strongest vampire” He smiled down at her. 

A few minutes later Y/N felt Felix’s breath on her neck “Now” She flashed forward grabbing one of the female campers by the throat from behind; she heard the bone crack just before she bit down on her neck, the warm blood coating the back of her throat easing the burn. Y/N closed her eyes savouring the taste “Mmm.” Jane looked over to her and smirked “She’s a natural…although a little messy” “Sister. It’s her first hunt…be nice” Alec chided playfully as he made his way over to Y/N “Messy little thing aren’t we?” He said low wiping away the blood that was dripping from her lips with his thumb “Sorry Alec” Y/N looked down “Don’t be” He lifted her head up so he could look into her eyes “It’s your first hunt and I’m so proud of you” He kissed her lips “You’ll get better the more you hunt. I promise” He added “Practice makes perfect Cinderella” Demetri smiled “Well Ness isn’t messy and it’s her first time hunting humans too” Y/N said nodding at her friend “Don’t compare yourself to Ness Y/N. She has hunted before remember” Alec said softly stroking her hair; Y/N leaned into his touch. “You did really well Y/N. You should be proud of yourself” Ness added smiling. 

Once back in the castle Demetri and Ness made their way back to his room “You know for your first human hunt you did really well today” Demetri said pride evident in his voice “Although your parents may not approve” He tilted his head a smirk playing on his lips “I’m no longer living under their roof so…I don’t have to follow their rules” Ness smiled at him before kissing him; gently biting his bottom lip and he growled low kissing her back “We best start making my room our room then little one.” He said low smiling and kissed her again.

A few days later training started for Y/N and she worked really hard trying to impress not only her mate but Demetri, Jane and Felix too. “Y/N stay in my line of sight but keep a distance between us, I want to try and track you” “Ok, Dem” She replied before flashing a few feet away from him, Ness and Alec standing off to the side watching. Demetri closed his eyes and picked up Y/N’s trail almost immediately “Found you Y/N” He called out. ‘Need to get away from him’ Y/N thought to herself and when she turned around she couldn’t see anyone. “She’s done it again. I can see her but I can’t track her…she isn’t there” Demetri said looking at Alec and Ness “But we can all see her” Ness said looking confused. “I think she teleports…not location wise but time wise” Demetri says sounding a little impressed “B-but how? How did she evade you as a human?” Alec asked “I think she did the same thing as a human but she had no control over it” Demetri replied “Once she teleports I can’t track her because she moves forward in time…by how far is something we’re going to have to find out” He added. 

Y/N made her way over to them “So how did I do tracker boy?” She asked, Demetri raised an eyebrow to her “What? Don’t like it?” She smirked at him “A little cocky now aren’t we Cinders” He smirked back at her. “How do you think you did Y/N?” Demetri asked “I heard you call out ‘found you’ and then I thought to myself that I needed to get away from you and when I turned around I couldn’t see any of you” She replied “It turns out you can teleport through time Y/N, that’s why he can’t track you” Alec said nodding at Demetri “That’s so cool” Y/N smiled “We just don’t know how far in time you go, but we have forever to find out” Demetri said “Is that how I got away from you back when I was human, despite not knowing  I was being tracked?” Y/N asked curiously “Yes, I think it is, although it was accidental back then. You probably thought of being somewhere on time or about running late and teleported ahead in time, albeit probably only by a few seconds which is why you never noticed. Once you move though time I lose the ability to track you. Do you remember back in the castle garden a few weeks ago when I tried tracking you and although Felix and Jane could see you I lost your trail, and when I stepped beside Jane I still couldn’t track you despite looking right at you?” She nodded “Well, I kinda thought then that your gift was loosely based around teleportation and today proves it. It’s a great gift but one that is…frustrating for me” Demetri added chuckling. “So how do I control it? How do I let you track me?” She asked “Practice Y/N and patience” Alec answered this time, a proud look on his face. 

A week later Y/N, Ness Alec and Demetri were in Alec and Y/N’s shared room and Y/N was bored “Can we play a game? I mean you guys do have the day off” Y/N asked Alec giving him her best doe eye look “What would you like to play?” He asked “Hide and Seek and Demetri is the seeker” Y/N said excitedly “Call it a training exercise if you want?” She added “I’m in” Demetri said getting up of the sofa “Ness?” “Obviously Demi” She replied “We’re in too” Jane said pointing at her and Felix as they entered the room. 

Ten minutes later Demetri explains the rules “You all get 2 minutes to hide. No leaving the castle grounds and no hiding in the master’s quarters” Everyone nods “Right Go” Demetri says. Demetri finds Felix first in the secretary’s supply cupboard; Jane came next in a cupboard in the kitchen “What? I can fit in there easily” She laughed at his confused expression when he found her. Demetri found Ness in the north facing garden and Alec in the room next to the dungeon. “Where’s Y/N hiding?” Jane asked “I don’t know. I haven’t been able to pick up her trail and because she has no scent I can’t even find her that way” He answered. “I just have to hope that at some point she ‘allows’ me to find her.” 

Y/N had hidden in the tower on the east side of the castle and looked at her watch, she had been waiting for 15 minutes and no one had come to find her ‘I wonder’ she thought to herself. She closed her eyes and concentrated on Demetri and how much she wanted him to find her. “I’ve got her” Demetri sounded surprised and took off running to the east side of the castle; noticing the closer he got the stronger her tenor became, he opened the tower door and saw Y/N sitting on the bed eyes closed, gently rocking back and forth “I found you Cinders” He said smiling and leaning against the doorframe “Thank you” She ran to him wrapping her arms around his waist “I’m so glad it worked” “So glad what worked?” He asked curious “I’d been in here for 15 minutes and you hadn’t found me so I sat on the bed, closed my eyes and concentrated on how much I wanted you to find me. I just hoped it would work” She replied “That explains why I could suddenly sense you, why your tenor suddenly appeared in my mind and I was able to track you. Looks like you’ve learnt a way to drop the shield part of your gift…well drop it enough to allow me to find you” He said looking down at her “You should be proud of yourself” Alec said from behind Demetri and Demetri nodded in agreement. 

Alec and Y/N walked back to their room hand in hand “Hey Alec, I’ve just thought I’ve accomplished quite a bit in the last month. I mean we’ve worked out I can teleport through time into the future, albeit not too far into the future. Today I was actually able to drop my shield a little to allow Dem to find me and I didn’t teleport away from him, not even by accident” She sounded so pleased with herself, Alec couldn’t help smiling at her “Next step is learning to control the teleportation side of my gift” Y/N said “And you’ll get there, when you’re ready” Alec said encouragingly. 

Y/N had been immortal now for a month and the three kings invited her and Ness to the throne room to participate in the fortnightly ‘tour’. Demetri and Alec were on duty and standing at the side of the room near the doors when Y/N and Ness entered and made their way over to them. “Hello Y/N, Ness so nice of you both to join us” Aro greeted them with a smile “Master, Aro” The girls replied. Meanwhile, two transitory guards stood on the opposite side of the room having a conversation, that wasn’t as private as they thought “What’s she doing here? Ain’t she the Cullen hybrid?” The blond guard asked, the other guard replied “I think so and if I’ve heard correctly, she isn’t even venomous” Both guards laughed looking over at Ness. Demetri growled loudly and felt her squeeze his hand “HOW DARE YOU?” Marcus shouted rising from his throne shocking everyone in the room “You will show her the same level of respect you would show the elite guards, the same level of respect you would show Y/N as Alec’s mate or any other mate of the higher ranking guards. IS THAT CLEAR?!” “Y-yes m-master” They both stuttered their reply; Caius sat smirking at the guards enjoying seeing them cower before the usually soft spoken king. 

Aro looked over to Demetri and Ness and noticed the matching bite marks on their necks, he also noticed the way he was standing protectively in front of her and realisation washed over his face “Brother?” He looked to Marcus and held out his hand “Later brother, Heidi is here” Aro nodded before giving the ‘welcome speech’ to the ‘tourists’ and then the silent order to feed was given. Y/N took down a middle aged man quickly, Alec watched with pride as he drained a middle aged woman. Ness and Demetri simultaneously took down a couple in their twenty’s “Great minds little one” He smiled at her, she smiled back at him. “Hey Ness, I’m impressed” Felix called out smiling “You mean considering I’m not…venomous” She smirked at him and he nodded. 

Once everyone had finished feeding Aro smiled looking around the room and was impressed with the newest vampire. “Y/N your kills were very controlled and efficient today…especially for a newborn. Well done” Aro praised her, Alec looked at with such pride “She learnt from the best” Alec whispered low and smiled kissing his mate. 

Marcus held out his hand to Aro “Brother” Aro’s face lit up when he saw the strong mate bond between Demetri and Ness. He was happy as this meant she would not be leaving the castle anytime soon…not even to visit her family. “I assume Demetri found his mate in Ness” Caius smirked and his brothers nodded “What about the dog?” He asked “She rejected him romantically over two years ago…” Aro was cut off by Caius “You mean she friend-zoned the dog?” Caius sounded thoroughly amused “See I told you she was the clever Cullen…and that is why she’s my favourite Cullen” He added “Welcome to the family Y/N, Ness” Aro said smiling. 

Y/N and Demetri practised daily for the next month as she was determined to control her teleporting as she was curious if she could go backwards as well as forwards. “We’re so lucky we don’t need to sleep” She said to Demetri “I appreciate you helping tonight instead of being with Ness” She added “It’s ok Y/N, her and Alec are having a movie night like they used to back in Forks” He replied.

“Ready Jane?” Demetri asked “Yes but I’m not quite sure why I’m here though” “You’ll see. Felix” Demetri called and suddenly Felix was behind Jane and he took the book she was holding away from her “What the…” She was cut off when Y/N suddenly appeared at her side.

“Ready Jane?” Demetri asked “Yes but I’m not quite sure why I’m here though” “You’ll see. Felix” Demetri called and suddenly Felix was behind Jane but before he could take the book she holding she put it on the cushion next to her “Did it work Dem?” Y/N asked hope shining in her ruby eyes “Yes Y/N you went back in time just enough to warn Jane about Felix” He answered smiling proudly at her “Yes!” She high-fived him “We’ve got to tell Alec” She said excitedly “No need my love, I saw the whole thing from here” Alec called from the doorway “You told him?” She looked at Demetri who shook his head “No, Demetri hasn’t told me anything other than how much he admires your determination to hone your gift.” He flashed to her placing his hands on her hips “I was curious what you four were up to so Ness and I came to watch. I know I’ve said it before but I am so proud of you my love” He captured her lips with his “I love you Alec” “I love you too Y/N.”

Y/N spent the day in her and Alec’s shared room waiting for him to return from guard duty “Hello my love” Alec purred in her ear and wrapped his arms around from behind “Alec” She breathed turning in his arms and capturing his lips in a kiss; she started undoing the buttons on his jacket before pushing it off his shoulders, his arms leaving her long enough for it to hit the floor before finding their way to her hips and pulling her close “Y/N” He sighed as she kissed his neck; biting his earlobe gently, she begun to unbutton his shirt but then decided to just rip it open letting her hands run down his chest to his belt. Alec reached behind her and unzipped her dress letting it fall to the floor, his trousers following not a second later. Y/N suddenly felt very subconscious standing before Alec in just her lace bra and panties, Alec nervously shifted his weight from one foot to the other standing before her in only in boxers.

“You’re beautiful Y/N” He said low lifting her head up gently, if she was still human she’d be blushing “We-we don’t h-have to…” “Y-you don’t want…to?” Y/N asked hesitantly cutting him off; he pulled her flush against him “Oh no, I want to…I’ve wanted to for the longest time. It-it’s just if you don’t want to or aren’t ready we don’t…” He was cut off by her kissing his lips with a passion and urgency he recognised; the passion and urgency he’d been holding back the last few months of her human life. He placed his hands on her hips “Jump” He whispered, she did as he asked her legs wrapping around his waist; he flashed to the door to lock it not wanting to be disturbed before flashing to the bed and carefully laying her down and grinding his hips against her, a breathless moan left her and he felt her legs tighten around his waist. He gently pulled her up slightly and unclasped her bra throwing it aside before laying her back down and began to leave a trail of open-mouthed kisses down her neck between her breasts; she run her fingers through his hair and gave it a semi-hard tug and he growled grinding her against her then took a nipple into his mouth and sucking gently before flicking it with his tongue, she arched up into him “Ahh” She sighed into his ear.

He unwrapped her legs from around him and left open-mouthed kisses down her stomach, placing a kiss on her clothed centre before kissing down her thigh to her knee; he then kissed his way up her other leg making his way back to her centre where he placed another kiss and gently sucked on her covered clit, her hips lifted upwards and he took the opportunity to remove her panties before placing a hand on her hips pushing her back down. He slipped his tongue inside her ‘she tastes like heaven’ he thought as he continued to move his tongue within her; her hands carding through his hair gently holding his head in place where she needs him most, he chuckled low the sound vibrating through her “Alec” He removed his tongue and licked upwards wrapping his lips around her bundle of nerves sucking and flicking her nub bringing her closer to the edge; he heard an almost inaudible gasp as he inserted two fingers inside gently thrusting in and out hitting that spot inside her that had her writhing beneath him. He curled his fingers inside her hitting a new spot “Ahh Alec” He smiled and sped up his actions his tongue and fingers working together to push over her edge; he felt her walls clench around his fingers, looking at up her he saw her eyes were shut tight, hands gripping the bedsheets as she experienced her orgasm. Her entire body felt alight and she was seeing stars and colours, she knew then she would never get enough of him “I love you Alec. I need you Alec…please” “I love you Y/N always”

She felt him slowly enter her stilling a moment to allow her to adjust to the new intrusion, adjust to him; he rolled his hips against hers “You’re so tight my love” He whispered “You feel so good baby” She purred in return; Alec suddenly felt very grateful for the erotica that he had borrowed from Demetri over the years as his mate was so very clearly enjoying his actions, as he bought them both closer to their release. His head dipped down and took a nipple into his mouth sucking gently, his tongue flicking the bud as he continued to thrust in and out of her semi-roughly; their moans filling the room not caring who heard them “I-I’m so…close” His hand moved to her thigh lifting it slightly and holding against him allowing him to enter her at a new angle as he sped up his thrusts hitting a new spot inside her “Come for me” He purred and he felt her walls clench around him at the same time she bit him, marked him as hers, this pulled him over the edge giving him his own release. He continued to thrust in and out of her riding out their orgasms together. “That…was…amazing” She breathed “I’m glad we waited now” “Me too and you were amazing my love” He replied kissing her “I’m never going to not want you Alec” “Glad to hear it…seeing that you’re mine forever” He replied looking into her lust blown eyes. 

“My turn” She said low rolling them over so he was now lying beneath her capturing his lips in a passionate kiss; she broke the kiss and shifted lower and wrapped her mouth around Alec’s erection “Mmm” He sighed liking the feel of her mouth on him; she licked him from base to tip, her tongue swirling around the tip tasting him. She took him to the back of her throat sucking hard, her mouth moving over his entire length; his cock hitting the back of her throat each time. She felt Alec’s fingers run through her hair, grabbing a fist full and tugging on it a little “Y/N…baby” He growled when he felt her teeth graze over his length before she deep throated him again; feeling him twitch inside her, she swallowed everything he gave her “Mmm…you taste so good…you may just be my new favourite thing to eat” She winked at him; crawling up to him and kissing him, he could taste himself on her tongue as she slipped hers into his mouth deepening the kiss and fighting for dominance, which he happily gave her. He would give her anything she wanted, everything she wanted after all she was all his…finally. 

[lemonpeter]

STARKER, by Peter B. Parker

Chapter 9: Hurt/Comfort

A/N: we started joking that we should call this chapter ‘hurt/ no comfort’, bc it turns out that neither of us actually know how to write comfort :) the things that happen in this chapter will make more sense soon, we promise. but for now, we’d love to hear what you guys are thinking!

thanks so much for reading! (and thanks for being understanding about this chapter being late; we’ve both been really busy, and sometimes brains just don’t cooperate <3) - Bloo and Bri 💕

Warnings: subdrop, traits of borderline personality disorder (ie splitting), g*nshot wound, discussions of wounds and wound care, angst

Masterlist ao3

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A choked off whine slipped from Peter’s lips as his eyes flew open. He screwed up his face, expression twisting into something pained. His chest somehow felt tight and hollow all at once, making him conscious of every single breath he took.

Sitting there, tucked up in the gym mats, he tried to clear his head, rid it of the unsettling fog, but found that he couldn’t. And his body...it felt like it wasn’t his. He felt trapped in his skin, like it was closing in on him.

The sudden low that he was experiencing was strong enough that it had pulled him out of the illusion entirely, his body trembling.

He tried to focus on what was around him, but it was hard when he felt so disconnected. He could feel cold globs of cum drying against his skin and causing his boxers to stick to him uncomfortably, his cock spent and sensitive as a few tears trickled down his cheeks. Wiping one away, he stared blankly at the wetness on the back of his hand.

What the fuck was going on? He hadn’t even realized that he was crying.

Everything felt wrong. His brain still felt floaty from his headspace, but it wasn’t in a good way anymore. He felt disconnected, floating without a tether to ground himself with. Gone was the happy and content feeling from before. This kind of floating... It was terrifying, and all he wanted was to feel real again.

But he couldn’t seem to quite get there.

His breaths became shorter as he started panicking, frantically trying to grab at the floor beneath him. But there wasn’t a surface to hold onto, just smooth, cold rubber. It didn’t help rid him of his distress in any way.

He knew that what he needed was Tony. But Tony wasn’t there.

Peter had heard of sub-drop, but he’d never felt it firsthand before. Obviously.

And even going into the scene, he hadn’t thought it was something he needed to worry about. It surely hadn’t crossed his mind while everything was taking place. Tony was gentle, perfect and sweet to him, even as he pushed his limits. Drops only happened to people with uncaring doms, right? And...it wasn’t like any of that had actually happened, so surely there was no reason for him to experience any after effects?

Wrong.

Peter was left alone to fall, just waiting until he finally felt connected to his own body again. Being grounded again took what felt like forever. But at least it happened eventually.

He felt sick. His skin was crawling and it all felt wrong. Like he had been taken apart and then put back together again, but the pieces had been jammed together, put back incorrectly. Puzzle pieces forced to fit.

All he wanted was to be held, to feel safe and protected. But there was no one there to hold him.

He was alone. He was always alone.

When he realized that, he truly started to cry in earnest. His eyes stung as more tears built up and spilled, falling in quick succession when he squeezed his eyes shut. A sob shook his frame and he pulled his knees up to his chest before wrapping his arms around them in an attempt to make himself as small as possible.

He was convinced that he’d never felt as empty as he did in that moment. Any pain from before was forgotten, incomparable to the sadness that was suddenly overwhelming him.

Tony left him alone.

Again.

Peter knew that it was too good to be true. He knew that he would never really have Tony, that Tony couldn’t protect him. Not in the way that he needed to be protected. He was stupid to think that he would be allowed to have something good, even in his own mind.

He never got to keep the good things.

But despite how much he was hurting, and the fact that he could feel the whole thing falling apart right beneath his fingers, he knew that his life with Tony was the only thing keeping him together. It was the only good thing he had left, the only chance he had at feeling even the most fleeting moments of happiness.

He had nothing without Tony, he knew that.

So, wiping the tears from his face, Peter sniffled, reaching for the glasses. He bit his bottom lip to stop it trembling and took a shaky breath.

He needed comfort from Tony, and if he had to get it himself, then that’s what he would do.

Because he was in control.

***

Pausing in the doorway of their bedroom, Peter took a moment to simply look at his husband.

Tony was stretched out on the bed, leaning back on what was an absolutely absurd amount of pillows and fiddling with some sort of schematic hologram that was being projected from the tablet in his lap. His hair was a mess, sticking up in all directions, and there was a wrinkle between his eyebrows. His eyes were narrowed slightly, one of his hands was cupping his chin.

Peter recognized it as his concentrating face. He’d always found the expression ridiculously endearing, and now was no exception. He could feel some of the resentment he’d been harboring begin to melt away.

The engineer didn’t seem to notice the younger man’s presence, continuing to manipulate the projection, fingers splaying out in various gestures as he tried to work out the problem.

Peter cleared his throat softly and shot a gentle smile in Tony’s direction when he finally looked up. “Um. Hi, Tony.” The fingers on his right hand fidgeted with his wedding band.

“Hey baby,” Tony sighed, giving Peter his own tired grin. His eyes flickered down to the younger’s hands, then back up to his face. “What’s up?” He began to close out of whatever he was working on, eyes shifting between the holograms he was moving and Peter’s face as he waited for him to respond.

Cocking his head to the side, the brunette slipped his hands into the pockets of his jeans. “I, uh, was thinking maybe we could go for a walk?” It came out like a question, even though he had intended for it to be more of a statement. “Wanna get out of the house for a bit, get some fresh air. Wha’d’you think?”

“I think that sounds great, Pete. I could use a break from this anyway,” Tony said, finishing up. He took a minute to roll his shoulders, groaning as he did. “God, I’m getting old,” he muttered under his breath as he pushed himself up off the mattress so that he could walk over to his partner. When he reached Peter, he leaned against him for a moment, pressing a kiss to his temple. “Let me grab some sunglasses and shoes and I’ll meet you by the elevator, okay?”

Once they were down on the street in front of the tower, Tony had suggested that they walk a few blocks to the park, maybe grab something to eat on the way back home. When Peter had agreed, they set off down the sidewalk, making small talk and just enjoying each other’s company.

It seemed that everyone had the same idea as them, families and joggers and couples populating the large open area when they arrived.

Tony reached over to grab Peter’s hand, lacing their fingers together as they continued walking through the crowded park.

Peter glanced down. He thought about pulling away from the touch, not really sure if he wanted Tony holding his hand. He was still pretty upset from the drop. He was feeling much better, hence them taking a walk together in the first place, but he hadn’t forgotten how he’d had to figure things out all on his own. Far from it.

Sure, it wasn’t exactly Tony’s fault that the sudden endorphin drop had caused the illusion to glitch, but he was still upset. He had been left alone and miserable.

He didn’t pull his hand away, though. But he kept thinking about it.

Tony did nothing to suggest that he noticed anything was wrong. He was unaware of Peter’s thoughts, of course, but he didn’t seem to notice the teen’s hesitation regarding the contact either. Which was probably a good thing, honestly. Peter didn’t like confrontation and he wouldn’t know what to do if the older man brought attention to his behavior.

But it also kind of bothered him that Tony wasn’t paying attention. Which was stupid and probably untrue, but his brain wouldn’t let go of it.

In a moment of fleeting irritation, Peter did pull his hand away sharply and tucked it into his pocket. Maybe now his husband would finally realize that he did something wrong.

Because he had. Right?

The older man looked at him, blinking slowly in his confusion. “Peter?”

“Yes?” His tone was a little snappy, which he hadn’t necessarily intended. He needed to try and relax again. But it felt like he was wound too tightly, a rubber band whose elasticity was about to be pushed past its limit.

He didn’t know what would happen when the tension finally snapped.

He could see Tony watching him out of the corner of his eye, but he didn’t look at him again. He kept his eyes forward as they walked.

“Talk to me,” Tony encouraged, trying to reach for his hand again. When Peter didn’t pull away or react negatively, he laced his fingers with the teen’s. “What’s wrong, baby?”

Peter bit the inside of his cheek. Hard. He knew that he couldn’t explain it. There wasn’t a way to tell Tony about the drop without explaining the illusion. And obviously that wasn’t going to happen.

But what else could he say?

“I just feel kind of off. I don’t really know how to explain it.” Not technically incorrect. But he knew that it wasn't really the answer that his husband was looking for.

Tony’s eyes were burning holes into the side of his face. “I’m sorry for that, honey. And that’s completely okay, everybody has off days, but I just… But did I do something? Because it kinda seems like I did….”

Peter finally glanced over at him, expression softening at the look on Tony’s face. He’d taken off his sunglasses and seemed sincerely apologetic, despite not having a clue what he had done. And he looked worried, too. Worried about him. “I...it’s okay, Tony. It’s- You didn’t do anything.” Lie. “I’ll be fine. Just feeling weird today, like I said.”

“Okay….” Tony sighed softly, nodding. His fingers squeezed Peter’s hand lightly. He let his eyes rove over his husband’s face for a moment, looking like he had something else to say, the words poised on the tip of his tongue. But all he did was quirk the side of his mouth up in the slightest hint of a smile, though Peter could tell it wasn’t quite a real one, staying silent as they kept walking.

Peter was quiet too, keeping his eyes trained on the sidewalk as they made their way through the park. He knew that it wasn’t Tony’s fault that he hadn’t been there to take care of him. That was just the reality of their situation; they couldn’t be together all the time. But the teen couldn’t get past the fact that he just hadn’t been there to help at all, no matter whose fault it was. It stirred something deep down inside of Peter, something hurt and upset and desperate. Something he hadn’t really known was there before.

It was a feeling that he wished he could just force down, back to wherever it came from. Ignore it until it dissipated.

But he kept coming back to the complete hopelessness that he’d felt as he sat on the floor of the compound.

Exhausted, dirty, and disconnected. With no one there to help him get better. Abandoned. It felt like he would never feel happiness again. Desolate.

And on purpose or not, it was all Tony’s fault.

“Are you ever going to tell me what’s going on?”

Peter felt irritation flash hot through his veins. “What are you talking about, Tony? I just told you that it’s nothing, just a bad day. Just drop it.”

“I- That’s not what I mean, Peter, I’m sorry. It’s just that…” Tony squeezed his hand gently, taking a deep breath as he tried to search for the right words. “Well...I don’t know. I guess I’ve just been feeling weird too, kind of off? I realized that I don’t...remember much.” And the last thing that he could remember from before he and Peter got together wasn’t exactly something he wanted to dwell on.

The older man paused for a moment before speaking again. “I tried to ignore it because everything else felt...good. Perfect, even.” He gave his husband a small smile. His eyes betrayed him though, revealing his confusion and anxiety. “But then the thing that happened with your aunt…,” he trailed off. “Something’s happening and I can’t just pretend it’s all okay. Not anymore. Peter, what’s going on?”

Peter just looked at him, heart pounding. There was no way this was happening. Tony shouldn’t have remembered anything about what happened with May. He’d made sure of it... Hadn’t he? “What? Nothing is going on, Tony. I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

He just needed to try and manipulate the situation slightly, to ensure that this time Tony forgot all about the disaster with May.

Tony frowned at the panicked look that was overtaking Peter’s face, wanting answers but worried about causing his husband any distress, knowing that he was already feeling vulnerable. “Peter, I need you to tell me. Who...what am I, baby?”

Peter heard the words, but they didn’t register immediately. He just watched Tony, the way his mouth moved and how his expression went slightly...sad? Yes, he definitely looked sad.

But then his brain processed what the other man had said and it hit him.

Tony knew. He really knew.

How did he know?

“What?” Peter froze, pulling his hand away again as he slowly took a few steps back from Tony. Was that his voice? It sounded far-away, like he was disconnected from his body again. No, no, he wasn’t going to let that happen. He never wanted to feel like that ever again. He just had to focus and fix the situation. That’s all it was, just a small fix.

He closed his eyes, trying to focus long enough to make the small adjustment to the illusion. But he kept getting distracted by the distant feeling, and the reminder of his anger from before. It wasn’t working. He huffed out of frustration, dread prickling under his skin. Why wasn’t it working? “Tony, I don’t-“

“Please, Peter,” Tony said gently. His eyes flickered down to Peter’s hand that was now hanging limply by his side. He softly shook his head, looking back up at the teen. “I just want to know the truth, whatever it is. It’ll be-”

The rubber band snapped.

“Don’t you dare tell me it will be okay or fine or whatever the hell it is you're about to say!” Peter was all but yelling, unable to keep the bitterness and pain out of his voice. He stopped walking completely, turning to face the older man. His eyes were wild as he glared up at Tony before looking away as he continued to speak. “You have no fucking right to say that Tony, you have no idea how I feel! You don’t know what it’s like to try so hard and always end up so fucking alo-”

There was a loud sound, almost a pop, that caused his eyes to open again from surprise, having closed them as he blinked back tears of frustration. His head whipped around to see if the older man knew what was happening, concern overpowering his anger, when the words died in his throat.

Red. All Peter could see was deep, dark red, spreading across the fabric of Tony’s white t- shirt. And the shocked look on his husband's face, his eyes wide with disbelief as he moved a hand to feel the spot, just underneath his heart. Right under where the arc reactor used to be.

Tony had gotten shot.

But what? No. No, no, that wasn’t right. Tony couldn’t get hurt. He wasn’t supposed to get hurt. Peter was only trying to correct the things he had somehow overlooked, get rid of the memories the older man wasn’t supposed to have, not-

“Peter?” Tony’s voice was a mumble as he touched his fingers to his chest, pulling away with red stained tips.

“Tony,” the teen choked out, tears stinging in his eyes again. How the fuck had that happened? He didn’t- He hadn’t meant to do anything like that, Tony wasn’t supposed to get hurt. He couldn’t-

He couldn’t leave Peter again.

“I’m so sorry,” he choked out, the first tears falling. Peter pressed his hands to the wound on his husband’s chest in a weak attempt to rectify the situation. He shifted his body, easily supporting most of Tony’s weight as the man’s legs started to give out. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to do this. You’ve gotta believe me, Tony, I- I didn’t- I swear I didn’t mean to-”

Tony’s face was pale as he leaned his head on Peter’s shoulder, taking a shuddering breath. The sound terrified the younger man. “You didn’t...Peter, you didn’t do this.”

Peter shook his head quickly, choking back a pained cry. He didn’t want to believe that had done it. But there was no other explanation, how else would it happen? He was the only one with control in the illusion, despite the way he ‘let’ Tony be in charge during their scene the other day.

(Although that fact was seeming more and more questionable as time went on.)

He pushed Tony’s shirt up with a trembling hand after wiping his own eyes, looking blearily at the wound. It went clear through, back to front.

“Fuck, Tony,” he breathed, ignoring the blood that was dripping over his fingers. The sensation barely registered. He just needed Tony to be okay.

Maybe if he focused he could actually fix it. It had to work, there was no other option. He just... needed to focus without getting upset again. Because clearly that had only made things worse.

So much worse.

He tried to narrow his attention again, one hand pressed lightly over the injury and the other helping to support Tony as he closed his eyes. He was in control. He could make Tony better again.

Peter felt Tony’s hands cover his own and he opened his eyes, lashes still wet with tears that fought to spill over.

“I’ll be okay, baby,” the older man said quietly. He blinked slowly at Peter, trying to convey with his eyes that his trust in his husband was as strong as ever. “I know you’ll make sure I’m okay. You won’t let anything happen to me.” Maybe he didn’t know what exactly was going on, but Peter was obviously playing some sort of role in the things that were happening. He just wasn’t sure what. And trying to find out clearly hadn’t done him any good. “Let’s go home.” His voice trembled despite how he tried to sound calm.

Peter looked at him, breathing hard as he looked around. The park and the people around them carried on as if the past few minutes never happened, oblivious to the situation and his distress. Which he guessed was a good thing. Maybe. The contrast was jarring, regardless. “Home...yeah, let’s...go. We should go home.” He could keep trying to manipulate things on the way so that Tony would be okay and...maybe he’d actually get him to him to forget about everything that had happened on their walk.

He clung close to Tony, and he knew that he wouldn’t have been willing to let go of him even if he hadn’t needed to help him walk. He couldn’t. He had to make sure that his husband would be okay, and touching him allowed him some assurance that he was for the time being.

The teen regretted how angry and upset he’d been before. What happened hadn’t really been Tony’s fault and he knew that. It was all his. He’d known that the whole fucking time. It was just so easy to be hurt when he was alone and vulnerable like that.

But he wasn’t alone. At least not in Tony’s eyes.

Or… Or maybe he was since Tony was figuri-

No. He couldn’t think about that, thinking about that was only going to make things worse. He had to focus on Tony.

Despite his best efforts, spending the entire walk home watching Tony worriedly, Peter was unable to make any kind of progress in closing the wound in the older man’s chest. Tony’s body got heavier the closer they came to the tower, and by the time they reached the elevator, he was breathing shallowly as Peter supported all of his weight.

Grunting in pain as they stepped out into the foyer of the penthouse, Tony grit his teeth. “We gotta do something about this hole, Pete.” Sweat was rolling in beads down his forehead and back, soaking his already saturated shirt. “Don’t-,” he swallowed roughly, knuckles white as he clenched his fist. “Don’t wanna pass out.”

Peter nodded slowly, his reaction time slowed with his stress over the situation. Tony’s words made his heart go into overdrive again, because fuck. That was a fucking possibility, wasn’t it? Tony could lose consciousness- He could actually bleed out, even, despite the wound not being immediately fatal. Peter felt sick. “You need to stay awake,” he agreed quietly, voice shaking, unable to say the other words out loud.

If he remembered one thing from his own mishaps, it was that staying awake was vital with an injury. Especially such a serious one. Life-threatening. But he really didn’t want to think about it that way.

(Didn’t want to think about the way he’d felt cold as his eyes slipped shut on the dark train, body screaming with every breath, every pump of his heart, sure that he was dying. Sure that he’d get to be with Tony again-)

What was he supposed to do? Hell, what could he do? He clearly couldn’t get the wound closed by trying to mentally control the situation. (But why? Why was nothing working? The illusion was still up and running, so he obviously was still directing it.) So he needed to take another approach.

He wasn’t the best at doing stitches, only using them when he absolutely had to, on the wounds that he knew would take too long to heal, the ones that would catch May’s attention, but maybe that would have to do. He morbidly thought that at least he wouldn’t be the one feeling the pain this time. It probably wasn’t even the ideal response to the situation. Actual medical professionals would likely have other, more effective methods of intervention. Tony had a hole straight through his body. Peter didn’t care. It would have to do. He’d try just about anything to make Tony stop bleeding, at this point.

He silently guided Tony to their room, still supporting most of his weight as they walked. He was tempted to just hold the man in his arms, as it would certainly allow them to reach their destination faster, but he didn’t want to cause Tony any further discomfort by jostling him any more than what was necessary.

Once they were in the bedroom, he helped Tony sit down on the bed. Then once the older man seemed (relatively) comfortable, Peter reluctantly pulled away. Only to find a suture kit, but he still felt guilty.

The whole fucked up situation started because he felt alone, now he was leaving Tony alone when he needed Peter the most. Even if it was only for a couple of minutes.

Peter didn’t have to search for a kit long. Once he was able to focus, he made sure there would be one in the next drawer that he opened. Because of course there was, of course it worked. All he had to do was think of it, conjure it into existence.

Sure, he could make the equipment he needed appear on a mere whim, but he couldn’t save Tony from his own fuck up that he’d caused in the same way.

That was just fucking perfect.

He tried not to break the faucet as he turned the water on, frustration bleeding into anger.

As soon as he had the kit in his now clean hands, he rushed back to Tony’s side.

“How are you feeling now, baby?” Peter asked weakly, all of the fight that had built up in him in the bathroom disappearing at the sight of the older man. He didn’t know what he was hoping for. Maybe the wound had miraculously healed. A delayed reaction from what he’d tried earlier, or even just responding to his desperation. Anything.

Tony just gave him a pained expression, face somehow paler than it had been before. Not exactly promising. His eyes were glassy as he blinked up at Peter, mouth twitching when he grit his teeth.

“Okay...well, I found the first aid kit. So I can try to...try to fix this, okay?” Peter’s voice shook slightly despite his attempt to steady it. Even though he knew he was mostly talking to himself, he didn’t want Tony to know how afraid he was.

As if the panicked set of his eyes and the frantic way his once again blood-stained hands were jerking around trying to find something to do weren’t giving him away. He ripped Tony’s t-shirt in half, exposing his chest as he tried his best to wipe away the excess blood with some cloths he’d brought from the bathroom.

There was no real response from Tony, just a vague imitation of a nod and a grunt from the pain he was in.

Maybe… Maybe he could at least try and take away some of the pain first.

“Tony,” Peter said softly, lips trembling as he leaned down to press a kiss to his sweaty temple. “It’s gonna be okay.” He took a shaky breath, letting his eyes slip shut as he stayed in that position, curled around Tony’s body. He thought about the way he’d felt after those extra strength painkillers he’d received after his fight with Liz’s dad. The warm, thick, fuzzy feeling.

After a moment he opened his eyes again and sat up, gingerly pressing his fingers to the skin just to the side of the wound. “Can you,” he swallowed. “Can you f-feel that Tony?”

The older man groaned, squeezing his eyes shut. “Yes,” he bit out. “Of course I can feel that.” He took a labored breath. “Fuck, Pete, it hurts.” His voice was a whimper, or at least the closest thing to one the younger man had ever heard come from him.

Peter’s heart lurched in his chest and he immediately pulled his fingers away. Fuck, fuck, so he was going to have to do this without any kind of relief for Tony. “O-okay, okay,” he said unsteadily, mostly in an attempt to calm himself. He could do this.

He opened the kit that was beside them on the bed and pulled out a bottle of sterile water (there was alcohol too, but Peter knew that it would do more harm than good on such a deep wound) and a smaller kit with everything needed for suturing: suture thread, a needle driver, a couple different curved needles, and some scissors. There were forceps too, but he’d never had the patience for using them.

“This is, uh, this is probably gonna sting a bit, T, I’m sorry,” Peter whispered, looking up at Tony’s face as he uncapped the plastic bottle. “I’ll try to be quick, I p-promise.” All he got in response was another nod that was simultaneously jerky and sluggish. God, he was so out of it, and this was going to hurt so bad, Peter knew it. “Here, wait,” the teen rushed out after a moment, yanking his shirt off. “Open your mouth.”

Tony complied, making soft noises of discomfort as Peter placed some of the fabric in his mouth.

“Bite down on that, okay?” Taking a breath, Peter began to pour the clear liquid into the wound. He let out a pained cry of his own as Tony immediately began whimpering, the veins in his neck and head bulging as he pushed back against the pillows, teeth clenched around the bunched up t-shirt. “It’s okay,” Peter sobbed out, putting down the bottle and narrowly resisting the urge to run his hand through Tony’s sweat-soaked hair. He had to keep his hands as clean as possible. “It’s okay, Tony, I’m gonna fix it. I- I love you, I’m so sorry.”

Once he was satisfied that he wasn’t going to trap any bacteria inside Tony’s body, and Tony’s wails had quieted down to soft whines, Peter opened up the package of needles. He grabbed one that looked to be about the right size and threaded it with the suture line before securing it in the grip of the needle-driver. “Ok-kay Tony, here we go.”

His left hand manipulated the torn skin into the correct position while his right pushed the tip of the curved needle through. Peter gagged at the resistance he could feel, pausing and squeezing his eyes shut as he tried to breathe through the nausea. He had to do this, for Tony.

Peter placed a few interrupted sutures in the front of Tony’s chest, letting out a shaky sigh when the last was secured and the surface of the small wound was closed. He knew that the only reason Tony hadn’t yelled his throat raw was because his brain wasn’t processing the pain anymore. “You did so good, Tony,” he breathed as he blinked over at the man who was shuddering with his own labored breaths before looking down at his bloodied hands.

Sitting the tools down on the sterile pad he’d laid out, the young man’s hands moved to clutch at his husband. “Baby,” he said gently, voice calm now that he had fallen into the rhythm of his actions, satisfied now that he knew that he had a way to take care of Tony. A way to help him. He could take care of Tony the way he’d wanted Tony to take care of him. “I’m gonna roll you over now, okay? I need to stitch up the e-exit wound now, on your back. You’re doing so good, it’s all gonna be alright, T.”

After placing two stitches in the skin of Tony’s back, Peter took the kit back to the bathroom. He came back with a few warm, wet washcloths that he used to wipe the blood from his husband’s body.

Tony let out a soft whimper at the touch, his features crumpling in discomfort. “Pete,” he breathed, blinking wetly.

“I know,” Peter murmured softly. “But it’s all done now, you’re gonna be okay.” He went about settling the older man properly in the bed, stripping him of his jeans and pulling the sheet up over his legs and abdomen.

The blood-soaked comforter turned operating table had been pushed to the floor along with Tony’s shredded shirt, another blanket having been dragged out of the linen closet to be draped on top of the wounded man.

Peter sat down on the bed gently, right at Tony’s side. He wasn’t going anywhere else, this was where he needed to be. He had to take care of Tony. He wasn’t going to leave him alone.

One hand held onto his husband’s, the other finally moving to gently stroke through the older man’s hair. He knew that always tended to relax Tony when he was stressed.

Tony’s eyes slowly opened up to look at him, a slight smile tugging at his lips. Well, as much of one as he could manage. “Hey, baby...” He closed his eyes again. “Should’a been a doctor, Pete,” he sighed.

Peter tried to give him a smile back, but it was just as weak as the older man’s. The adrenaline that had allowed him to focus and successfully tend to Tony’s wounds was seeping out of him, leaving him feeling drained and overwhelmed once more. “Hey, Tony. How are you feeling?” There was a pit in his stomach as he waited for an answer. He was worried that Tony would hate him once his head was finally clear from the pain. He couldn’t lose Tony here too, he couldn’t-

Tony being alive but wanting nothing to do with him would be even worse than the man dying again.

As he started panicking, Peter completely missed Tony’s answer. He was lost in his own thoughts as he spiraled further and further into the chaos in his mind.

Tony’s hand lightly squeezing his brought him back to the present, grounding him. The older man always knew just what he needed. “Peter? You okay, honey?”

“What? I’m- yeah, I’m fine.” A huge lie. But he didn’t need Tony to worry about him. All his husband needed to worry about was healing and getting better. “How are you feeling?” He repeated his question.

“I already answered that.” Tony laughed weakly, making a face when his chest throbbed at the action. “You keep spacing out on me, baby. I’m feeling alright, not too bad. It takes a lot to get me down.”

That was definitely true on some level, at least. It seemed like Tony would keep fighting no matter what. The reactor, the palladium poisoning Rhodey had told him about, the...the stones. It was both endearing to Peter, the way the man persevered despite the damage done to his body, and completely terrifying. Although he’d thought he wouldn’t have to worry about the terrifying part here in the illusion.

But Tony got hurt anyway.

The older man shook Peter out of his thoughts once again when he started speaking. He was frowning softly, and Peter could tell that it was half playful and half genuine concern. “Why are you just sitting there? Come here. If you’re banishing me to be in bed, you can at least lay here with me.”

Peter slowly nodded, moving to lay down next to the other man. He remained on top of the covers to be sure he stayed clear of Tony’s injury, not wanting to hurt him, but still cuddling up to him as best he could. He couldn’t stay away. The mere thought of being away from Tony made the panic in his chest rear its head again.

And the regret. The guilt.

He’d fucked up. He knew he did. Everything that had happened was all his fault.

But he could fix it. And it would actually work this time. He was in control of his actions, he could handle some of the issues directly. He’d care for Tony while he healed, try to figure out what the disconnect was with his influence on the illusion, and make him forget all about this horrible situation. And he’d be sure to take away memories of the confrontation from May that set the entire thing into motion

Peter knew that he could fix everything. It had to be possible. He still had control over the situation, and Tony was going to be absolutely fine after some TLC.

He just needed to do some more patching on EDITH’s neural pathways within the STARKER program.

That would surely take care of things.

[herwonderland7]

𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝟏𝟕   》  Forever and Always

summary  》 Aera turned into petals, as it blew through the wind, showing that she passed away as days after her passing, Jaebeom’s pack were being given scrolls that was written by Aera.

characters  》  Gae Aera, Grandma Kim, The White Queen (Aerina), Lim Jaebeom, Mark Tuan, Jackson Wang, Park Jinyoung, Choi Youngjae, Bambam, Kim Yugyeom

warnings/author’s note  》 a long post!, angst all the way :(, i’m afraid this is the end…. maybe….

genre  》  fantasy, got7!as!werewolves, got7!as!prince

      “I wish we had more time together. But what I believe is that, in the gardens of memory, in a palace of dreams, that's where you and I will meet. You will forever and always be my number one, Aera.”

       2 days.

It took 2 days for Aera’s body to be completely paralyzed. 

Unfortunately, the moment when she was writing the last scroll, her fingers slowly went numb, as she realized what was happening -  she had little energy left hence she used it to enchant a spell on her everyday fountain pen, as it writes by itself according to Aera’s words of thoughts.

Time passed by and the news of the princess' health was known to all of the royal castle workers, and unfortunately, words had spread to other neighboring kingdoms.

Every royal servant and workers who visited the princess tended to shed tears, seeing her unusual pale face, laying on the bed as her eyes were mostly closed.

The White Queen and Grandma Kim had always stood by the princess’s side, accompanying other kingdom’s royal family to visit her. 

The Queen could tell that her daughter was loved by everyone due to her kindness and companion that even the NCT clan and X clan came - unknown to the princess, both clans cried as soon as they saw the state of the princess of Aerina and Morian’s Kingdom.

Jaebeom’s pack were busy than usual, going to different parts of the island to get help - finding any way to cure their princess. 

They didn’t get to have a rest as they ran across kingdoms to kingdoms. 

But one day, one by one of Jaebeom’s pack, they started to feel a throbbing pain on their chest during one of the full moon - as the pack made their way back to Aerina’s Kingdom, to find the sight of the princess’s hair color that had been darkest, shiniest brown has slowly faded to white.

A way to tell that she is slowly dying.

“Oh no.” Jaebeom muttered to himself, his mind slowly breaking into pieces.

“Why.. does it look like my room is full of people?” Aera muttered under her breath, in which she could hear more quiet sobs and sniffs - definitely knowing that there are people in the room.

It was scary for her. 

Her senses are weakening, as well as her body movements. 

Aera knew that she wouldn’t make it tomorrow, not even today. 

“..That’s because everyone’s here, Aera. We all are here for you, my love.” The White Queen softly replied. Aera could only turn her head slightly, towards where the voice came from. 

Yugyeom, who was the nearest to Aera, held onto Aera’s fragile hands. “Aera.. It’s me… Please stay a little longer, please,” Yugyeom pleaded, his voice shaking. 

He couldn’t hold onto his feelings anymore as he decided to let it out, making the others feel vulnerable too since their youngest is crying.

 All of them knew Yugyeom was the type to try his best to hold onto his tears, no matter what situation he faces - but this, this situation was something Yugyeom had to let go of his feelings.

Bambam who was at the opposite of Yugyeom, couldn’t help but sob quietly as his head went downwards, his hands gripping onto Aera’s dress slightly - a sign to show her that he was there. 

He has been quietly watching Aera every night. 

He wouldn’t miss a day to check onto Aera - who would just lay on the bed and as night arrives, Bambam would let his tears out silently, alone. He knew she wouldn’t make it one day.

Thinking of Aera leaving him, Bambam let out his tears, making some of the older ones go towards his side - which was Mark and Jackson.

Aside from Bambam, Mark and Jackson were also the ones who would regularly visit Aera, in secret - because Jackson didn’t want Jaebeom to know that he would skip some days to go hunting, to see the princess.

So Jackson would invite Mark along, knowing the older one wants to come alone although he was being silent about it. 

Whenever there is Jackson, the day would always end up with laughter - and for the first time, Aera would laugh softly and weakly to hear Jackson rambling about his day and Mark would always have to ask Jackson to slow down.

“Rest well, Aera. I’m happy that you came back to us - even if you and I didn’t get to spend more time together,” whispered Jinyoung, while caressing her side hair, making Aera hum while smiling.

As much as Jinyoung wants Aera to live longer, seeing her like this, in a condition where she couldn’t even more freely and seeing her weakening, it hurts him so bad that he just wanted her back to her usual self.

Even if she has to die. Thinking of the word ‘die’ makes Jinyoung tear up automatically, not knowing that tears already flow down his cheeks.

“Grandma Kim, how long—

“Not for long. She is trying her best to hold on now,” answered Grandma Kim to Youngjae - as she gazed towards Aera, who was silently looking at Jinyoung.

Youngjae could only gulp down the lump on her throat, knowing that flowers or plants couldn’t save her. He has tried all sorts of medicines, but none could make Aera come back to life - according to Grandma Kim.

There was so much he wanted to say to her, but he couldn’t let out any words - even if he wanted to say a word, instead he let out a sob, causing Jaebeom to hold onto Youngjae’s hands tightly.

If Jaebeom could go crazy, he would any moment now - but for the sake of his friends and the princess who is dying at her bed, he decided to get himself together, even if it is slowly killing him inside.

Seeing Aera becoming weaker, he would always blame himself - if he knew about her condition, he wouldn't have said those mean words to her. 

All this while she had been keeping this to herself, why didn’t she say anything about this?

A part of him was mad at her but at the same time, maybe she didn’t want to look weak for her people and he gets her - the both of them have similar personalities.

‘Aera.. why didn’t you tell me?’ Jaebeom questioned in his voice of thoughts, staring towards Aera with a slight frown - to see Aera smiling slightly, as she slowly turned towards Jaebeom with her droopy eyes.

‘....No matter how much I wanted to change the future, destiny already wrote down my fate, Jaebeom. It’s the only way,’ answered Aera and that’s when everyone’s eyes fell towards Jaebeom - hearing her voice, Youngjae and Yugyeom automatically broke down. 

Her response made Grandma Kim go towards Aera, putting her wrinkly hand onto Aera’s forehead - a deep frown and a soft sigh came from the elderly as she turned towards the White Queen who was in the corner shedding her own tears.

“Aerina, it’s time.” 

Feeling all eyes turned towards Grandma Kim, the elderly looked towards the boys. 

“I’m afraid you have to say your last words to her. Aerina and I will be outside,” stated Grandma Kim before guiding the weeping White Queen as they exited the room, leaving only Aera the 7 guys alone.

“I’m running out of time, am I?” questioned Aera softly, which she could feel a throbbing pain in her chest, causing her to let out an expression that caused the 7 guys to go closer to her.

Everyone in the room is running out of time.

Staring at Aera with tears flowing down their cheeks, Mark decided to speak first. “Thank you for everything, Aera. You have done so much to restore our home. Rest well,” 

Though Mark’s words were simple, the way he said his words - everyone could tell he really meant it, hearing how hard he is trying not to let out a shaky voice.

She meant so much to him - although they did not interact that much, but the way they look at each other, the way she offers to comb his fur when he would always reject her, the times when Aera would approach him when he had trouble with situation regarding Morian, Mark knows Aera does care for him. 

“Mark, you have to kiss her, on the cheeks of course,” Jackson urged, a tradition for the wolves that if one of their pack is dying, they have to give them a goodbye kiss on their face.

Although Aera wasn’t fully in their pack still, everyone somehow considered as one of Jaebeom’s.

“I don’t know..” Mark muttered, his eyes turning towards Jaebeom who was avoiding his gaze - at the same time giving Mark the green light. The oldest knew the alpha, who was rejected, still had romantic feelings for her, although his feelings for her are starting to fade.

Mark went nearer towards her face, remembering each feature of her face before giving her a quick peck on the cheek.

He then glanced towards Jackson and Yugyeom who were just near him, urging them to talk it out - afraid that it might be too late if they delay their time. 

Yugyeom let out a shaky voice, his hand reaching out for Aera’s hands.

“I’m going to miss you….. Just so you know that family isn't blood. You're my family, Aera.” Yugyeom sniffled as he slightly gripped onto her soft hands, while giving a quick peck on the opposite side of where Mark had given his kiss.

There was so much love as the youngest stared into Aera’s pale face, the colors of her face were fading as well as life, making Yugyeom to start weeping out.

He couldn’t bear to see the princess suffer and eventually die. 

Yugyeom thought she would stay forever this time, but of course, ‘forever’ doesn’t exist in this world.

There was so much Yugyeom wanted to do with her - going to the Dragon’s Village together with Grandma Kim, pranking Jaebeom and Jackson till they went insane, and disturbing naughty wolf cubs.

Knowing that she will pass on, Yugyeom has no one to turn to - causing him to sob out his feelings.

Mark had to advise him to come out of the room - with Mark accompanying him. Knowing it would be the last time he would see Aera, Mark turned towards Aera with a small smile that showed sadness, as he left the room with the weeping Yugyeom.

“Princess, I hope you can hear me. I don’t know… I thought you would stay a little longer. I wanted to show you what the others and I had planned for Morian. But it seems you had to go, and I understand. Just like what Mark said, you have done so much for both of your kingdoms and.. I’m proud to have someone - a friend, a tutor, a princess to my kingdom, our kingdom, by our side. We love you, Princess Aera.” confessed Bambam, his voice began to quave in sorrow. 

He couldn’t help but to let out the tears that he had tried to hold onto, he finally let it out as the room filled with his weeps. 

Bambam really loves Aera - he treats her as his own sister, they would always help each other out even if at the end of the day they had to be reprimanded by others.

Bambam couldn’t believe this at all. 

‘Surely this is just a sick nightmare, right? If the princess is dead, who is going to look over Morian Kingdom?’ 

“Bambam,” A voice called, making Bambam look towards who called him, to see Jinyoung gesturing towards Aera who had her eyes closed, realizing he was openly day-dreaming as he finally stood up while leaning against Aera’s face.

“Rest well, our princess,” muttered Bambam before giving a peck on the outer corner of her eyes, as he immediately walked away, not even once looking back. 

The older ones turned towards Youngjae, seeing that he had his eyes downcast - not knowing what to say, as he too couldn’t believe that their princess is on the point of death. 

He knew. He was there in the mirror dimension with Jinyoung and Aera herself.

He didn’t know the day would come too soon.

With a shaky sigh, Youngjae crouches down while holding onto Aera’s weak yet soft hands. “Aera… Princess Aera..” Youngjae softly called out, waiting for her response but instead, silence and the quiet sobs from the older ones were the only response he got.

Youngjae’s bottom lip quivered, as tears rolled down on his cheeks, as he started to accept the reality that Aera is slowly dying. Staring at her pale yet beautiful face, Youngjae let out a slight choke then a scoff. 

“Even if you are slowly passing on, you still look lovely…. Thank you for everything, Aera.” Youngjae whispered before pecking a kiss on the corner of her forehead. As he was leaving, Youngjae stole a few glances towards her as he finally let out a few sobs, before exiting the room.

Which now left with Jaebeom, Jinyoung and Jackson.

The 3 of them were running out of time, the colors on Aera’s hair were almost draining, an obvious sign that she is slowly passing on in Aerina’s kingdom. 

Jinyoung’s eyes began to water seeing the drastic change.

“I hope this is all just a bad dream. Gosh, princess. We’re going to miss you and your rebellious times, and most importantly, you have stuck to the word of a ‘princess’. I am proud that you are my best friend, a star, also a princess to a kingdom where I was born. Till then, become a star and do visit us in our dreams. We love you, Princess Aera.” Jinyoung managed to say his words, though he was trying so hard not to break down - afraid that he wouldn't be able to speak.

Jinyoung didn’t hesitate to give her a kiss on the opposite eye where Bambam had kissed her. His thumb lightly caressed his cheek as he studied her features very carefully, not knowing that his tears were already rolling down his own cheeks.

Jinyoung looked towards Jaebeom and Jackson as their heads were downwards, not wanting to meet his own eyes - knowing they would break down. Wordlessly, Jinyoung took a last look towards Aera, before turning his back towards her.

Jaebeom and Jackson knew he exited the door, hearing slight sobs from outside.

The room was filled with complete silence.

“Do you want to talk to her first?” Jaebeom offered, his eyes slightly gazing towards Jackson, seeing his eyes red and puffy, knowing the man was crying. 

Jackson nodded slightly, crouching down beside the princess, holding onto her hand firmly - as he started sobbing as it slowly turned to blubbers where he was letting out words that weren’t clear.

This made Jaebeom to crouch down beside him, his hands wrapping onto Jackson’s side, hugging the very heartbroken man.

“Jackson, you have to speak. Aera doesn’t understand what you are saying.” Jaebeom softly told him, as he was quietly sobbing - his hand didn’t even let go of Aera’s.

“I don’t know what to say, Jaebeom. It hurts very bad and I really don’t know how and what to say at all. All I really know is that I like her more than I should! I didn’t even have the chance to say it to her!” Jackson whimpered, his confession caused Jaebeom to rub his back, his way of showing that he understands him.

“....Me too….” Jaebeom whispered, eyes still towards Aera. 

Soon, Jackson’s sobs slowly softens, letting go from Jaebeom’s side.

He went nearer towards Aera’s face.

“I wish we had more time together. But what I believe is that, in the gardens of memory, in a palace of dreams, that's where you and I will meet. You will forever and always be my number one, Aera.” said Jackson, trying his best not to let out any sobs, as he gazed into Aera’s face in adoration.

‘I love you, Aera. I will always love you, forever and always.’

Jackson thought to himself, before standing up, giving her a peck on top of her head. His hand caressing her hair, as his finger slowly left at the tip of her hair.

“I’ll join the others outside. You deserve a moment with her.” Jackson told Jaebeom, as the alpha quietly nodded.

“Thanks.” Jaebeom muttered towards Jackson, as he smiled sadly, his eyes moving towards the princess for a moment before turning his back towards her.

After Jackson left, Jaebeom turned towards Aera.

“First of all, I would like to apologize for what I said. I know you are sad, it’s obvious and I regretted not talking to you after that day. I’m starting to regret it now and I’m afraid it will stick to me. I’m going to miss you, Aera - and yes, I do still love you although your heart belongs to Jackson.” Jaebeom said softly, his hands holding onto Aera’s, already feeling that her hands were starting to get cold.

“..You know, I will never regret loving you. That’s a promise and… thank you for loving me, even when I don't feel lovable.” continued Jaebeom, as his fingers landed to Aera’s cheeks, as he slowly caressed it.

Jaebeom leans against Aera’s face, unknowing that he was quietly sobbing, not wanting others to hear - as he went nearer towards her forehead, giving her a peck on the forehead as he closed his eyes, letting his tears flow.

Just then, Jaebeom felt his hand that was holding onto Aera’s, as it felt light weight. 

Jaebeom immediately opened his eyes, and he immediately backed away - in front of him was Aera, her body slowly turning into flower petals, flowing through the air.

He didn’t even realized that a ring had fallen from Aera’s body.

His shock might have caused the others to feel him, as the rest who were standing outside quickly went into the room - as they see the same thing as what Jaebeom is seeing.

Aera’s body, from her toes to her head, turns into flower petals, and once the top of her head had been transformed, the wind blew the petals as they blew out of the open window of the room.

“She’s gone.” said Grandma Kim, as the silence filled with sorrow.

It’s been 3 days after the princess’s death, and news has spread drastically that the crown princess of Aerina and Morian Kingdom has passed away - and the citizens have been mourning still, with pictures and flowers being placed at the front of the castle entrance of Aerina’s Kingdom mostly.

The castle has been quiet, as the royal workers were mourning too.

But not exactly for Grandma Kim and the White Queen, as they were holding onto scrolls that were on both of their arms. They entered the meeting room, to see Jaebeom’s pack.

As soon as they saw the elderly and the Queen, all of them immediately stood up and bowed to both of them.

“Your majesty, what is with the scrolls?” Jaebeom questioned curiously, seeing more than 10 scrolls were on each of their hands. He was surprised that they could carry all of that.

“These.. are from Aera, written personally from her.” The Queen stated, and immediately as Aera’s name was being heard, their eyes widened slightly.

“All of it?” asked Jinyoung and the Queen nodded with a small smile. 

Both Grandma Kim and the Queen began to distribute the scrolls according to the names. 

Some of them could see that the scrolls had the names of neighboring kingdom names and the names that they knew too, which were NCT and X Clan.

They were even more surprised that Zen’s name was there too, though he is still a child.

Each one of them got a hold of one scroll but Jaebeom receives 2 scrolls, each given by the older ones, but Grandma Kim holds onto one of the ends.

“Aera said that this was for all of you. Since you’re the alpha, you have to read it aloud.” told Grandma Kim, as she looked at Jaebeom with a face that had never been serious as ever.

Jaebeom can’t help but feel anxious, knowing this must be related to her death.

Looking at his friends, Jaebeom untied the string as the paper unrolled itself - to reveal the most neatest, yet elegant handwriting as he reads the letter out loud.

“Dear my 7 beloved friends,

I know that if you are reading this, I must have passed on and I’ve known because it’s been stated in the book of prophecies. I had destroyed it, and I would like to apologize to Jinyoung for enchanting a spell on him from the day we had a talk in the mirror dimension.

I had to, so that everything would come out with me, having the blood of the gods, as I am demi-god and me having the ability to enchant spells. Now, they say demi-gods are supposed to live longer, but in my case, my body is trapped somewhere hence it couldn’t last long, and this is the consequence. 

As you read this out loud, all spells that I casted will vanish and you don’t have to worry, Youngjae. Your favorite flowers are still blooming, I knew you would be sad if it died one day.

Jinyoung, I’ve thinked about the words you said to me and I guessed I realized that I had been selfish… but not heartless. I have always cared for my people since day 1. So, I had written to each one of you as you will be given each a scroll that my will would be split into 7. You will receive on behalf of my inheritance. I had asked Mother and Grandma Kim for their permission and they are lovely to support me.

You will get everything you will need, a room, gold, swords, anything. 

Oh, and not forgetting our little Zen. He too will be given a share of my inheritance. He would need it as soon as he turns 20.

Since I am not there, Morian is in need of rulers. The White Queen has to stay in Aerina, since that is her hometown and her own castle while Grandma Kim had vowed to be by the Queen's side.

So in exchange, I need the 7 of you to rule the Morian Kingdom. 

I need a helping hand.

Attached to this letter is a letter from King Morian. There is proof, as he, King Morian, stated that his throne would be passed to the 7 of you and you do not need to worry on how or if it is possible if a pack of young wolves could rule a kingdom.

It is possible.

The White Queen, along with Grandma Kim would guide you along, but all the matter will pass in your hands. In the end you will decide what to do with the Kingdom - whether you would like it to be a harmonious kingdom or a kingdom that is only for wolves.

It is all up to the 7 of you. I believe you can do it. Each one of you has your own abilities, your own strengths, so use it.

I just want the 7 of you to live comfortably, happily in your own castle and hometown. I hope one day it will come true, not now as I know  everyone would be saddened with my passing.

But as for me, I can’t wait on how both of the kingdoms would progress as years passed.

The night sky will always be dark blue,

Just like how the stars would always be there,

Think of me as a star, I will always watch all of you.

With lots of love and your forever princess, 

Riana Aera.”

As Jaebeom was reading the scroll, the 7 of them quickly untied their own individual scroll, to reveal handwritten will and signatures from the Queen, the generals and Aera herself.

“Oh, Aera.” Jinyoung muttered to himself, as in his eyes, the day where he was trapped in the mirror dimension, the scene was running through his eyes, causing him to have teary eyes.

What Aera said was true, she did uncast the spell.

He felt guilty, he felt like he had caused Aera to feel like she was selfish and heartless, when in the first place, she was thinking of everyone she loves.

“..It isn’t your fault, Jinyoung. The princess might have seen this coming.” Jackson, who was beside him, patted his back as he gave his friend a side hug.

“..I would sincerely like to help the princess.” Bambam commented, causing the Queen to turn towards the younger one with a smile.

“Me too! She needs our help!” Yugyeom added.

“..If this is what she wants, we have to.” Youngjae muttered, eyes still locked onto his own scroll.

He couldn’t believe that Aera was a demi-god, which explains her superhuman strengths and abilities that he,himself and the others didn’t have.

Mark on the other hand was trying to recall his moments with Aera, when all of a sudden he remembered her words.

“Are you ready for the day where I would be gone and leave it to your hands to take care of the others and the kingdom of Morian?” Mark whispered to himself, causing the others to turn towards him.

“What?” Jaebeom repeated and Mark’s eyes went downcast.

“..She had hinted to us before. All of us, but it seems we were too positive to think she would never leave.” Mark explained, earning a slow nod from Jinyoung.

“..She gave me a book titled ‘Ways of A Wolf Pack to Rule A Kingdom’. I thought she gave me for more information purposes but she had another intention that I couldn’t figure out.” Jinyoung muttered, as everyone went silent.

They were blind, or it seems Aera had her own ways.

“..I think we shouldn’t think that way. Aera wants us to be happy, so… I think we should try to be happy for her sake.” Jackson commented, sounding a little positive.

Jaebeom’s eyes gazed towards the scroll, his hands slightly gripped onto his own scroll.

‘...What exactly are you, Aera?’

𝒑𝒓𝒆𝒗𝒊𝒐𝒖𝒔 𝒄𝒉𝒂𝒑𝒕𝒆𝒓  ⇿  𝒆𝒑𝒊𝒍𝒐𝒈𝒖𝒆  

𝒎𝒂𝒔𝒕𝒆𝒓𝒍𝒊𝒔𝒕

[adventuresinwonderlust]

Title: Ace and Min: Part 1

Pairing: Yoongi x Reader aka “Ace”

Warnings: Fluff, best friends to lovers, angst like a lot, slight crack, slight smut, abusive speak/language, talks of/and abusive behavior, talks of/toxic relationship

Rating: 18 and over

Your phone pings back to back as you load yourself into the taxi. You read over the messages your now ex has sent you. “You will never be anyone without me.” “Are you with that little shit Yoongi? He can’t beat me! He's a whiny little shit!” You choose not to answer as you tell the driver the address in which you were headed. Your phone pings once more. “Answer me bitch! I always knew you guys were more than friends. I see the way he looks at you. You think he can take my place?” Once again you choose not to respond, instead opting to switch the ring to silent. You hadn’t told your best friend of two years, that you had finally broke it off with your cheating jerk of a boyfriend. You didn’t want to damper the mood of your trip. You were surprisingly happy and excited at the thought of leaving your life behind and seeing your friend, even under the circumstances. Yoongi had just moved to Los Angeles six months ago and this has been the longest you two had ever been away from each other. The taxi driver couldn’t get you there any faster. “I’m in the cab and on my way to you.” You text Yoongi with a wink emoji. You didn’t want to think of anything sad or bad, you just wanted to be with the one person you knew understood you and loved you without cause or reason.

You exit the taxi, lugging your belongings with you into the luxury building of your best friends’ new apartment. He had just become more popular in the music producing game and was constantly busy, but you guys always made sure to stay connected. This was your first time visiting him at his new place and he had gushed about how beyond excited he was to be able to take the time off together to enjoy the fruits of his labor. When you booked your flight, he made sure to clear his schedule, he vowed no work and all play. You reread his message regarding the lock code to gain entry to his apartment during your ride up in the elevator. Once on the top floor, the elevator doors opened to reveal a large black door equipped with said keypad. You typed in the numbers, realizing as you did that it was your birthday. You enter the apartment and are greeted by a surprisingly simple and humble set up. You graze your hand across the top of the plush couch you once fawned over in a magazine and breath in the scent of an overgrown honeysuckle plant, making sure not to trample its long vines as you walk past along the corridor, as you make your way to the back of the apartment.

“Honey! I'm home!” You shout playfully down the hall. Suddenly a door opens, and you’re greeted by the wide gummy smile of your bestie! He playfully covers his face with his large, veiny hands but quickly drops them to reveal his smiling face once more. “You look amazing Ace!” He chuckles, opening his arms for a hug. All your emotions hit you at once as you run into his arms, knocking the wind out of him. “Minmin!” You say into his neck, warm tears streaming down your face. You squeeze tighter as a sob suddenly escapes your throat. “Hey, hey,” He rubs your back, “What's wrong? Am I that terrible looking at this time of night?” He jokes. You force a laugh. He takes you by the chin and turns your face to him being sure to pull your curls from your face. He looks you over concernedly. “Seriously, are you ok? Talk to me.” He wipes the tears from your eyes and you quickly hide your face in his neck once more. “I missed you so much! I just didn’t realize how much until I saw you.” You mumble into him. He chuckles while hugging you tightly again. “I’ve missed you too y/n. I don’t know if I'm gonna cry about it, but I did miss you.” He laughs causing you to join in while shoving him away. He continues laughing as he reaches out and grabs your wrist. He pulls you back into his embraced and you take a moment to breath him in. Vanilla and Eucalyptus, the smells of comfort, the smells of Yoongi. “Did you eat? Are you hungry? I didn’t prepare anything, but I do have ramen.” He offers, still rubbing your back. “No, thank you but you can show me around your fancy place, Min.” You say, releasing him now. He nods and waves you to follow him. “Down here is the guest bathroom,” He opens a door at the end of the hall and flicks on the light giving his best Vanna White impression before moving on to the next room, “This is the guestroom, I made it up with the fluffiest blankets and pillows for my esteemed guest.” He laughs. You walk into the room and run your fingers over the crisp white duvet. “Minmin,” You say in a baby voice, “All this for me?” He covers his face shyly. “I know how much you love a comfy bed.” He composes himself to say. You nod and leap back first into the bed becoming instantly engulfed in the plush comforts of your accommodations. “Ahh, don’t mess it up, I worked hard on that set up,” He groans, “Besides the tour isn’t over.” You whine but get up and follow him out of the room. He flicks the lights on in the master bedroom and your jaw drops. It’s twice the size of the guestroom and equipped with its own restroom. “Dammmmnnn Min, this is amazing!” You say in awe. You take a full walk around the room, taking in the four-post bed, television mounted on the wall, and desk set up in the corner. “Come, come.” He quips and you follow him to the next door. He opens to reveal a full studio, with attached booth on the left. To the right sits a plush love seat. You smile at the Knick knacks and tacked up photos of the two of you, you even lean in closer to get a better view. Yoongi, meanwhile, plops down on the couch. “What do you think?” He asks. You stand upright and nod while looking around. “I am so proud of you Min. This, all of this is truly amazing. You've worked so hard. You deserve it. I mean what more could you possibly want right?” You laugh. He blushes and gives a tight smile. “It’s lonely sometimes. It would be nice to share it with someone.” He mumbles. You pout at your friend and hop into his lap. He groans at the closeness. “You could have any girl you want Min. You just need to put yourself out there.” You say, wrapping your hands around the back of his neck and shaking him. He shrugs and wraps his arms around your waist. “I don’t want just any girl y/n.” He says. “Well, it's good not to settle you know. Not like me.” You remark. “What does that mean? Did something happen with Che?” He perks up a bit.

You feel your face flush and decide to change the subject quickly. “Oh my gosh, look at these pictures I took of people at the park.” You pull your phone out and start swiping through photos before he can ask any more questions. He scoffs quietly but otherwise looks through your pictures. “These are really good Ace. You should submit them to a magazine.” He encourages while lifting you slightly to adjust his sleepy leg. You attempt to help him by lifting your butt up but end up losing your balance and knocking your head into his. “Ahhh,” He laughs while rubbing his forehead, “You trying to knock me unconscious or what?” You laugh as well apologizing and planting a kiss on his forehead. He smiles slyly and cries out suddenly. “What?” You ask nervously. “It still hurts. Maybe it needs more convincing.” He explains as he puckers his lips and points to the spot you knocked into. You mush his head as you both laugh. “Come on, let’s eat something light and head to bed. I have a lot planned for tomorrow.” He tells you. You whine and curl further into his lap. “Can’t we just stay like this forever?” You whisper. He sighs and begins rubbing your leg. “Not if Che can help it. Now up we go Ace. Don’t be a lazy girl.” He nudges you gently and you rise pouting at him. “Fine, party pooper.” You say as you exit the studio. “You will thank me later.” He tells you, leading you out toward the kitchen. “Where did you get this huge Honey Suckle from?” You comment as you pass by. “I bought it just before you got here and had it delivered. I know you like them. I wanted you to feel at home. I’ll put it out on the terrace once it outgrows its pot.” He points past the living area. “You have a terrace?” You ask wide eyed. He nods in response. You walk over to the curtained windows and reveal the locked doors. You gasp as you unlock and walk out onto the hidden treasure. There are two lounge chairs on the left as well as a grill, table, and four chairs set up on the right. Not to mention the killer view of the city. You cover your mouth at the glittering lights. “People pay millions of dollars for this kind of view in New York Min.” You remark, not even sure if he can hear you from indoors. You look around and marvel at the gorgeous little garden that is set up along the red brick barricade. “Hydrangeas, Lilies, roses, and carnations.” You say aloud. “All your favorites, right? I’ll put the Honey suckle along the wall behind the lounge chairs so they can grow upwards towards the roof. I think the color will really stand out. What do you think?” He smiles wide. “I think you are amazing and way too good to me. I am so blessed to call you my friend.” You smile. His face drops slightly as he swallows hard but nods. “Yeah. Do you wanna eat out here or inside? It’s a nice night.” He asks. “Can we eat out here? I mean the view is amazing.” You turn and point. He nods and heads inside.

He appears again with two bowls of ramen noodles. You both take a seat at the table and begin eating. “So, how’s the east coast?” He asks, cheek full of noodles. “Eh, same ole, same ole. I quit my job at the magazine.” You confess, slurping up noodles as Yoongi chokes on his. He coughs hard, trying to clear his throat, taking a sip of water as he regains his composure. “When? Why? Wha- what happened?” He stumbles over his words. “They were giving me shit work. I want larger pieces. I want to do fine art and fashion shoots; I don’t want to be stuck in the ads section forever. I am worth so much more and I am sick and tired or people not seeing that.” You huff. He gives a tight smile and nods slowly. “I can see that y/n. That’s why you’re my Ace because you’re one of a kind. I mean look, I totally support any decision you make. I just want you to be happy. What does Che think of all this?” He scratches the back of his neck and leans back in his seat. Your bottom lip quivers and you just shrug your shoulders. “Why are you always so concerned with what’s going on with Che? Who cares what Che thinks Min? I am here talking about me and all you care about is Che. Why don’t you go fucking ask him if you’re so concerned,” You hop up out of your seat suddenly, “I’m going to bed. Goodnight.” You head inside quickly as Yoongi calls out to you. You enter the guestroom and slam the door shut being sure to lock it behind you. Yoongi knocks on the door, “Come on Ace, something is going on, why are you being this way? Please open the door. Talk to me.” He plays with the door handle while you sit on the bed crying softly into a pillow. “Go away please. I need to rest.” You shout. You hear him sigh from the other side of the door and walk off. You take a glance at your phone which you have been avoiding, to find a plethora of messages and missed calls. “Bitch!” “Are you with HIM?” “Fuck you both!?” “It’s not over until I say it is.” “I’m sorry baby please call me back.” “I can’t do this without you. She meant nothing, please forgive me.” “If you keep ignoring me, I’m going to come find you and you’re going to be sorry.” “Answer me!” You cry harder at all the horrible messages until eventually sleep finds you.

“My boss! You slept with my boss? How could you?” You yelled. “You were always so busy with work and I am a man with needs, needs that have to be met y/n! She was there for me when you weren’t.” Che yells back at you. “So, this has been ongoing?” You reply defeated, as the realization sets in. Your boyfriend just sighs. “Let’s not do this ok. Let’s just fix it.” He states. You laugh out loud. “Fix it! FIX IT!” You shout now, “There is no fixing this Che, its no wonder I’ve never been able to progress at my job. That bitch has been holding me back while lying on hers! I am so happy I am leaving. This trip couldn’t come at a better time.” You say heading to your room to grab your things. “Look, about that, I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to go to LA. We have a lot to work on here.” He says as almost a command. You shake your head. “No, not going to happen. I haven’t seen Yoongi in months, I am not cancelling and this, whatever this is, is over Che.” You pull up the handle of your suitcase and walk towards your door. Suddenly, Che yanks you back by your arm. “You’re not leaving.” He shouts. You shove him with all your might. “Get off of me Che. What the hell is wrong with you?” You yell in shock, out of breath. “I’m sorry ok, calm down. I just want to talk and figure things out.” He forces a smile. Your adrenaline is coursing through you. “Ok Che,” You whisper, “Can you grab me a towel so I can put ice on my arm?” You point towards the bathroom. He nods, walking back to the back of the house. As you hear the linen closet open you race out of the door and down the stairs, yelling for a cab once you reach the front of the building. You are taking off down the street by the time Che is on the curb yelling your name.

You jump up from your sleep at the sound of your name echoing through your head. You look around and try to calm your fast beating heart. You’re still at Yoongi’s, you’re safe. You get out of the bed and change out of your clothes into a fluffy hoodie. You lay back down and try looking at your phone only to see its died. You grunt out of bed again to find and attach it to your charger. You turn to the bed but decide you don’t want to be alone tonight. You pad quietly out of your room and into Yoongi’s. Its so dark inside that you’re afraid of bumping your toe. You stretch your arms out in front of you, waving your hands around until you feel the plush of the duvet. You hum happily, pleased with yourself. You climb into the bed and under the covers, reaching over until you feel Yoongi’s soft cool hands. You rub your fingertips over the top of his left hand while you listen to the sounds of his breathing. He rouses suddenly at the feel of your hand on his. “Y/n, are you ok?” He stretches, taking your hand in his. “I’m sorry Min for freaking out on you at dinner. I’ve not felt like myself in a while. It has nothing to do with you.” You whisper, squeezing his hand. He chuckles softly. “It’s ok, I just wish you would tell me what’s going on. I don’t like that you’re keeping secrets. I am always here for you. I would never judge you.” He says. “I’m not, I just, I don’t mean to keep things from you. I just feel so disconnected since you left. Like a part of me left with you.” You confess. “I am always with you Ace. Nothing can change that. A million miles apart but always together.” He whispers, planting a kiss on your head before resting his head atop yours and pulling your body into his. You wrap your arms around him now and listen to the sounds of his heart beating. “Min.” You whisper now. “Hmm.” He responds. You push away from his embrace slightly to face him, his features coming into view even in the dark room. “I love you.” You say. He swallows as his mouth drops open to respond. You lean in and capture his bottom lip in between your lips. He pauses but you quickly engulf his mouth with yours, deepening the kiss by wrapping your arms around his neck. He grabs you around the waist and pulls your hips into his growing erection. You swirl your tongue around his, moaning softly into him. This was magic, you thought, exactly what kissing was meant to be, hot, warm, welcoming. You knew you never wanted to kiss another man after this because no other kiss could be as perfect. Its as if he poured all his love into this kiss. You needed more as you felt your body catch fire and skin goose.

You push him onto his back and straddle him, never breaking this magical kiss. You grind your hips into his hardened member causing him to groan from deep within his chest. He takes your ass into his hands and pushes his hips up into your moistened sex. Was this really going to happen? You wondered now, a sudden flash of guilt hitting you. You finally break from the kiss, both of you completely out of breath. Yoongi quickly attaches his swollen mouth to your neck, still guiding your aching cunt over his throbbing member. You moan unabashedly as he suckles and nibbles his way to your collar bone. He begins to work his way across your collar bone and up the other side of your neck before biting down hard. “Fuck!” You cry out at the intense pleasure that engulfs you. We shouldn’t, you think but still you welcome his mouth on yours as he begins to assault your mouth once more. He leans up now, wrapping one arm around your waist and sliding the other arm up your shirt, wrapping his large hand around one of your full mounds. He squeezes gently before taking ahold of your sensitive nipple and swirling it between his thumb and forefinger. Its been so long since someone has touched you, let alone kissed you this passionately. You wondered exactly when Che lost that passion, when it all became selfish love making, rough. As Yoongi planted kisses along your jaw and ear lobe, you realized just how much you missed passion, how much you missed fire, how much you craved it. “Are you sure you want to do this?” Yoongi whispers in your ear, breaking you away from your thoughts, allowing guilt to creep in again. “What?” You ask him. “I want this so bad but are you sure you want to do this?” He whispers again out of breath. He looks you over in anticipation for your answer. “Fuck,” You cry, covering your mouth with your hand, “I’m so sorry Min.” You say now. He swallows back the lump growing in his throat at your rejection but shakes his head. “No, no, please don’t be sorry.” He tries to pull you into a hug but you push him away. “I should sleep in the other room. I’m sorry.” You quickly jump off of him and begin to slide off the bed. “No, wait, Ace. Please its ok. I don’t want you to go.” But its too late, you’re already making your way back to the guestroom.

[o0o-chibaken-o0o]

Communal 2018 Drarry Rec List

IT’S HERE, EVERYBODY!!! And it’s long! Thank you so so much to everyone who sent in their favorite fics written in 2018! To make this easier to navigate, I’ve created categories that make sense to me based on this collection of fics — obviously many fit into multiple categories, but I tried my best to place them accurately! I had so much fun looking through these and talking to everyone about their favorite fics, and I’m already super excited to do this again next year!! :D

Note that all recs were written by the person who submitted each fic, and they are in no particular order within their categories :) 

ENJOY! 

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EIGHTH YEAR

The Nightmare Club by Elle Gray / @diligent-thunder (85K)- Hermione and Ron are going back to Hogwarts to do N.E.W.T.s, Ginny isn't. Harry hasn't decided, until he has, in front of the Wizengamot and now he's responsible for Malfoy as well. A tale of enemies who learn to get along, get it wrong and get it on. Everything is purple, some things are on fire and no-one is sleeping properly. But don't worry, there's tea! Wishing you could curl up on a purple couch in an eighth year common room stocked with hundreds of varieties of tea and eavesdrop on our favorite Hogwarts kids as they attempt to adjust to a normal school year? If you love awkward miscommunications, snuggling, open minded acceptance, kind-hearted friends, and—of course—mutual pining, this fic is for you. 

Sex and The Art of Castle Maintenance by birdsofshore (15K)- "Come on, boys," Zabini drawled. "You’re only delaying the inevitable." Trouble always had a way of finding Harry, and eighth year was obviously going to be no exception. The antagonism, tension, and heat leaps off the screen, and I could NOT put this story down. 

To Hurt and Heal by @cassisluna (21.5K)- They say that everybody who gets out of Azkaban comes out a little mad. After the war, Draco Malfoy spends three months in Azkaban. He just wants to go insane in peace, but Harry Potter finds that he, inexplicably, still can't leave Draco alone. I went into this expecting angst, but by the end I got Eighth Year fluff and a whole lot of eating breakfast. Can't say I didn't love it.

Orbit by HenryMercury (52.5K)- "The classical problem of celestial mechanics, perhaps of all Newtonian mechanics, involves the motion of one body about another under the influence of their mutual gravitation." *They don't like each other. They're not friends. There's not even a ceasefire of any sort because they're fighting as much as ever—but there's definitely something different about it. An added layer of self-awareness they don't dare identify, but which colours every Scared, Potter? and Do your worst; each You wouldn't dare and Then prove it. 8th year fic that does such a fabulous job of bringing Harry and Draco together, that makes their pairing so realistic, even non-drarry shippers would be able to see the appeal. 

Once Upon a Time by @fantom-ftnoise (12.5K)- This is the story of Hansel & Gretel - er, that is, Harry & Draco. A wonderful retelling of Hansel and Gretel, with amazing (and delightfully creepy) sensory descriptions, humour, nail-biting tension and a glorious happy ending. 

Eighteen Kisses by tigersilver (10K)- Harry is being targeted by a very determined and wily Malfoy, a Malfoy with sly hands and a sweet, sweet mouth. The story features adorably fluffy Draco and insanely flustered Harry, with chocolate and sweet kisses 

It takes 36 Questions to fall in love by @gnarf (14K)- After returning to Hogwarts for their 8th year, Harry and Draco can't seem to stop fighting, much to the irritation of staff and students alike. Their last fight escalated and Harry and Draco are forced to room together by a pretty angry Headmistress. They will have to stay in their new quarters until they overcome their differences. But it wouldn’t be McGonagall if she didn’t have a plan. To help them achieve this goal (and to save everyone else from going crazy because of them) she gave them a charmed parchment that will ask a series of personal questions. Over the next couple of days they'll learn much more about each other than they could ever have imagined. A precious they-finally-start-understand-eachother story that left me feeling fuzzy and happy 

Oblivious by lealamalfoy / @gregqoyle (17.5K)- Harry doesn't believe his Amortentia's scent is correct, and starts questioning the potion and his feelings. Of course Malfoy, of all people, is the one to answer these questions Harry's lack of communication with the female population and Draco's lack of communication with Harry is infuriating to new levels

Heart of Silver/Heart of Gold by @lettersbyelise (54.5K)- Draco Malfoy, a young demon specialising in school bullying, has lived hundreds of uneventful lives. Until his world is turned upside down by his newest assignment a few days before Christmas: to get rid of 8th year classmate Harry Potter, Defeater of Dark Lords and thorn in the side of all things evil. Trouble is, Draco’s world has been upside down for a while… ever since he started having very human feelings for a certain bespectacled Gryffindor. It’s a slow burn fic where Draco is a demon sent to torture and kill Harry buuuuut feelings are involved; also there’s a Niffler names Jeff and some very amusing Ron moments! 

AUROR(S) / CURSE BREAKER(S)

Ten Thousand Reasons Why Not by @lqtraintracks (8.5K)- Harry and Draco are stand-ins for the usual witch who gives the workplace harassment and sexual consent talk to the Auror trainees. Amazingly funny and sexy fic, featuring public UST, great dialogue and banter, and smut to die for.

Changeling by Obscurus343 (86K)- The assignment seems to be an excuse to get the Boy Who Lived away from the press for a while – Head Auror Savage is human, after all. But when they arrive to Barebone Castle, Aurors Potter and Malfoy realize that something sinister may indeed be going on. It's terrifying. It's cursed. It's some next level freaky shit that nobody can explain. But not to worry! Two lovestruck idiots are on the case. warm and funny, with a wonderfully crafted cast, spooky mystery and more handholding and cuddling than your heart can take

Cold Like Fire by @queenofthyme (12K)- Head Auror Harry Potter had no problem with mandatory consent training for his team. He’d actually been looking forward to it, that is, until he discovered who the teacher was. Now, he had no idea how he was going to get through the training without throwing a hex at Draco Malfoy. Or a punch. This fic is absolutely hilarious and full of so many wonderful drarry-y moments! 

The Partner, the Rival and the Very Big Case by oceaxe (24.5K)- When Harry and Nott are paired up to go undercover as fake boyfriends, Draco is disappointed not to get the assignment. It's just professional jealousy that's making him feel so upset. Obviously. He's engaged to be married to Astoria, after all.But when he walks in on Nott kissing Harry for 'practice' and has a wild magic outbreak, he starts to think that something else might be going on. Is Nott right? Is Draco a homophobe? Or is there... just possibly... another explanation? Funny as hell and sexy too, it features a Draco grappling with his attraction to Harry, his jealousy regarding him, and his own sexuality, when their partnership gets split up for a case. 

Cabin in the Forest by @justdrarryme (23K)- Of course Harry would get partnered with Malfoy when Ron leaves the Aurors, nothing in his life could ever be easy. What he hadn't counted on though were his feelings for the other man. Or, Harry and Draco get trapped in a Bundling Bed and are forced to work their shit out. The art that this fic is based on (by ano-ka-ba) is incredible, and the way these two get out of their predicament is hot as hell. 

Still Catch The Tide by @dwell-the-brave, art by Razielim and Apriicat (57K)- When a ravaged body is found on Blackpool beach front, newly partnered Aurors Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy are sent to investigate. This is a make-or-break case for Harry - solve the case and not scare his partner away, or risk his career. But when another body appears, and another, this mystery goes far deeper than either of them could have imagined. from Big Bang, this Auror partners casefic has suspense, rich writing with a thread of melancholy, and gorgeous art.

In Our Blood by @secretsalex (38K)- Draco is an accomplished pure-blood curse breaker, and Harry is tasked with accompanying him on his latest job—cleaning up the Van Boer mansion, which has been under a devastating fertility curse for seven generations. reading this is like watching a gorgeously shot, terrifying horror film. Don't let that scare you off - it's compelling and will leave you thinking about it long after you close the tab. 

COMING OUT / LGBT+ THEMES

Little Compton Street (One Rainy Night in Soho) by @writcraft (65.5K)- Draco is lonely, Harry hates the press and it won’t stop raining in London. Harry discovers a magical street that’s close to disappearing forever and Draco realises he’s one rainy night in Soho away from finding everything he’s been searching for. This fic is a BEAUTIFUL ode to LGBT culture and community, and was so so moving in addition to being an extremely entertaining read with a great relationship between Harry and Draco

Rookie Moves by Elle Grey / @diligent-thunder (60K)- So the war's over and Harry's a Rookie Auror, and everything seems... fine? I mean, he's single, his life is mostly work and he hasn't been out in ages and he's tired and annoyed most of the time, and he should probably be a bit more social, but the last time he kissed a girl he had to Obliviate her... but that's normal, right? And then Robards throws him a file, yells at him a bit and he finds himself guarding Malfoy of all people, and maybe that little feeling in his gut he thought he'd disproved as indigestion once and for all.... maybe was something else. Something lots gayer. A tragically under appreciated coming out fic that legit made me laugh so hard I cried.

Around You Moves by ignatiustrout / @dracomalfoyofficial (29.5K)- Harry knew Draco was gay when he invited him to move in. He’s never had a problem with this. So why does he feel so weird about Draco bringing men home all of a sudden? a fabulous fic in which Harry thinks he’s homophobic when he hates seeing Draco with other men ... and then he realizes a few things about himself ;)

Harry Potter and the Bisexual Awakening by @writcraft (23K)- Harry is perfectly content being single, heterosexual and living in Godric's Hollow with his very clingy rescue dog, Snitch. When Draco Malfoy turns up on Harry's doorstep demanding that Harry teach him how to drive, things quickly become a lot more complicated. Funny, sharply-written and sexy, HPatBA has everything I love about reading drarry (snark and UST, fantastic prose, emotional connection and hot sex) but brings an awesome new perspective to coming out, in queer fic.

When You Kiss Me (What a Lovely Way to Burn) by @femmequixotic (22K)- A drag fairytale of New York in which Draco wears red lipstick and Potter can’t get enough A fantastic piece of writing that explores a genderqueer Draco, working at a drag club in New York, where he sees Harry for the first time in years. (note from chibi: THIS FIC IS SO BEAUTIFUL IT WILL GIVE YOU A SEXUAL AWAKENING AND I WANT TO HOLD IT CLOSE FOREVER)

DANCING/CLUBBING

Kill, Fuck, Marry by @lettersbyelise (12.5K)- Malfoy leans toward him with a baleful look. “I do believe Pansy Parkinson, my best friend, paid you to spend the evening with me. It’s my birthday, Potter. So you’re going to get off your Gryffindor arse, and you’re going to dance with me. I want to dance. I want to win. I want that bloody trophy on my shelf before the end of the night.” Harry and Draco unexpectedly meet again on Draco’s birthday, years after their last encounter. Incredulity, banter, witty conversation, gin and tonics and impromptu dancing ensue. It’s only natural, of course, that Draco would expect his birthday night to finish with a bang… Perfectly in-character dialogue and great heat during what starts as an awkward, unintended date between Draco and Harry.  Two Truths and all those Hidden Lies by @keyflight790 (7.5K)- It didn’t matter whether Draco knew about the Polyjuice or not; nor did it matter what face Harry deigned to hide behind in the club. Draco could spot Potter a mile away. Polyjuice could change his face. It could change the way his hair sat along his scalp, and the color of his eyes, and the shape of his lips. It could change his height and the way his muscles rippled beneath his shirt. It could change the swell of his arse, the length of his... Not that Draco was thinking of that. The fact that Draco can recognize Harry even without his awful glasses and stupid scar warms my heart every time. 

Brick by Brick by @agentmoppet (8K)- There’s something between the two of them, something that builds beneath the smoky lights of the club and grows stronger during midnight conversations held on a rooftop high above the streets of London. But Draco wants to wait. deals beautifully with consent and all the waiting the two men go through to build something that is not just sex. 

ANGST & HURT/COMFORT

Away Childish Things by @letteredlettered (154K)- Harry gets de-aged. Malfoy has to help him. “You’re crying over that fan fiction about the children again, aren’t you.” -my husband

I could be wrong, I could be ready by @harryromper (57.5K)- (...) Harry Potter left Britain after the war and didn’t look back. Ten years later, when Gringotts discovers a vault containing his parents’ belongings—including their badly spell-damaged wedding rings—he’s forced to face up to friends and family who’ve grown in ways he could never imagine, a wizarding London rebuilt beyond his expectations, and the anniversary of the Battle of Hogwarts. And if that wasn’t enough, there’s the entirely unforeseen problem of Draco Malfoy. Featuring pureblood wizarding traditions, ancestral magic, open mic nights, marriage equality, a diner in Brooklyn, and the return of Fleamont Potter. I am like ......so overwhelmed by how this fic is so amazing like my goodness

Chocolate and Pastry by @agentmoppet, art by @anemonensblog (50.5K)- When Pansy bets Draco that there is no chance he and Harry could carry out a genuine romantic relationship, he and Harry form a plan. But as their fake relationship progresses, Draco sees a side of Harry he never expected. Harry is struggling with something, pushing it far down inside him where he doesn't have to acknowledge its existence. Draco starts to worry, and then he starts to care, and then... horribly... he starts to fall in love. Fake relationships are always fantastic, but this one just hits you right in the feels, and is so beautiful!!

Things You’ve Told Him All Along by thirdeyeblinkings (19K)- Anonymous fire calls, blind dates, awkward run-ins, and kissing in the d-a-r-k. But besides all that, a story about hiding, coming out, and starting over (and over). It is so wonderfully written with artist!Draco and it tackles mental health issues just beautifully.

you’ve got the antidote for me by Kandakicksass (20.5K)- When Harry Potter unintentionally severs their soulbond before it can fully form, Draco Malfoy resigns himself to a slow death and decides not to burden Harry with a soulmate he's made it very clear he doesn't want. He's never been selfless before, but for Harry, he can try. This fic is wonderful and devastating and one of the best I’ve ever read. I think I cried 5 times while reading this but it’s worth it because it’s so beautifully written.

Antlers and Ivy by @violetclarity (19K)- The thing is, Draco has always known he wouldn’t be able to marry his soulmate. Finding out his soulmate is Harry Potter shouldn’t change anything. Or: soulmarks, a masquerade ball, and gratuitous use of The Daily Prophet as a plot device. A beautiful examination of the soulmate trope, filled with longing that made me ache and a resolution that made me want to cheer. 

That Which Marks You by @belleslettres-love (8K)- After the war, Harry is struggling… He knows his heart should be aching from the loss of his loved ones. Instead, he feels nothing. Draco feels everything… cold, hunger, pain from being forced out of the Wizarding world… forced to be a beggar—or worse—just to survive. When Harry sees Draco, shivering on a street corner, he knows one thing: Draco Malfoy is the only one who can make him feel. It starts with dark!Harry which is not my thing usually, but it devolves into cute relationship that we all love.

SLOW BURN

Charming Chocolates by @fantom-ftnoise (100.5K)- The summer following the Battle of Hogwarts, Harry Potter visited his parents' graves and disappeared in a mysterious attack. His wand was recovered but the trail soon went cold and the world moved on. Twelve years later, Remus Lupin discovers James Charming, of Charming Chocolates, a mute man with no memories before July of 1998. James Charming, father of identical twin boys and loving boyfriend to a Scottish Muggle named Monty, is ripped out of his comfortable life and forced to rediscover Hogwarts, magic, and a whole world of past memories. His Mind Healer helps him to balance his new life with his old memories. A rift is formed between James and Monty, and he finds himself wanting to spend more and more time with Healer Malfoy. Meanwhile, Auror Weasley tries to solve the mystery of who is out for Harry Potter's head before it's too late. A breathtaking, heart-warming, story that explores trauma, disability, dysfunctional relationships, family, bravery and love.

Nero su bianco by zuzallove (35K)- September 1997. Hogwarts is under the regime of Voldemort and the Carrows. Finding himself alienated by both his friends and his supposed enemies, Draco puts quill to parchment, and writes letters. He addresses them to the only person he can think of, as Hogwarts rapidly falls into chaos and ruin: Harry Potter. He goes to great lengths to ensure the letters are never discovered, and he’s pretty certain he’s done a great job. Until the day of his trial. Its heartbreakingly sad, beautiful and funny at the same time featuring Trial!Draco required to reveal his feelings/true self in front of the Wizengamot

It actually hurts by @parkkate (52K)- For years, Draco has tried to avoid Harry Potter. He just knows he’ll make a fool out of himself if they spent more than five minutes in a room together. Unfortunately, Potter suddenly seems intent on becoming Draco’s friend, but neither of them are prepared for the inevitable consequences... There is so much love and emotion in this, so much body-positivity and so much pining - it’s simply beautiful.

Never Grow a Wishbone by ShanaStoryteller (65K WIP)- She almost smiles, and true alarm starts to build in his chest. “I’m afraid I’m not here for something so small. Professor Roberts has resigned.” “Good,” Draco says honestly, “Would you like a list of suitable alternatives? I know a number of competent potions masters abroad, but then of course you’d have to hire another teacher to act as the Slytherin head. I’m afraid you’ve dried up all the half decent Slytherin Potions masters.” “Not all of them,” she says quietly. [...] a hogwarts professor au which consists of a lot of world building and lore

CREATURE FIC

Soup-pocalypse and the Great Curry Cataclysm by SquadOfCats (104.5K)- Eleven years after the war, Draco Malfoy leads a quiet, boring, and perfectly respectable life, thanks very much. Or, at least he does, until a sudden and very unexpected veela awakening causes him to throw soup all over Harry Potter in the middle of the Ministry cafeteria. This is a fantastic take on the classic creature fic, which plays into some Veela tropes and turns others on their heads; very funny and warm and realistic drarry, too. 

Hush, Darling by @magpiefngrl (23.5K)- Draco is in trouble. To get out of it he needs to seduce Harry Potter. One of the coolest, most original creature fics ever, featuring Draco as an Incubus who's tasked, under threat, with getting something from Harry -- who he makes the mistake of falling in love with. 

In The Red by @bixgirl1 (45.5K)- When Harry goes looking for a vampire at a Creature club, the second-to-last thing Harry expects is to find Malfoy working there. The last thing he expects is to fall in love with him. It's so beautifully written I gasped, so hot I died, and so damn good I'm going to reread it for years to come.

ALTERNATIVE UNIVERSE(S)

Tangiers by @magpiefngrl (4K)- The one where Harry and Draco are archaeologists, ex boyfriends and seeking the same priceless and possibly cursed object. Featuring a revolver, the spirits of dead monks and a bed they can hardly fit in. Adventurous, sexy and highly relatable, the AU of AUs, ladies and gentlemen, a masterfully crafted tale that feels simultaneously fantastical and down to earth, that includes a substantial backstory that left me wanting more, that presents a version of Harry and Draco that is incredibly true to the characters and kept me on my toes every second. 

Purple, Peach and Vibrant Green by @queenofthyme (3.5K)- Draco Malfoy has a waiter pretend to be his date to impress an ex. Of course, it helps when that waiter is exceedingly attractive and happens to be Harry Potter. Solid fic. 5/10. (note from chibi: @jadepresley is very rude to her friends but she actually loves this super cute fic and so will you) 

Men Who Love Dragons Too Much by fencer_x, art by @danasauurrr (479K)- [Extensive re-telling of Deathly Hallows] As in Half-blood Prince, Draco is charged by Voldemort with killing Dumbledore—only instead of trying to do his best with the challenge, he realizes he’s been set a futile task and focuses on finding a way to save both himself and his parents. He eventually decides to spend his sixth year studying Animagecraft, convinced it's his best shot at escaping the impossible situation he's found himself in. But just his luck, his Animagus form turns out to be a dragon, and a rather randy juvenile at that, intent on finding its mate: one Harry James Potter. from Big Bang, an inventive and unique story with Draco as a dragon animagus, and a retelling of Deathly Hallows. With art! 

Every Me and Every You by @bixgirl1 (69.5K)- Harry liked his life just fine, thankyouverymuch — so it was bad enough when a sly fairy cursed him to leap into alternate realities. But seeing Malfoy in all of them? Definitely way too much. And worse yet: needing the bastard's help to figure out how to get out of of it. It was a disaster waiting to happen, really. Well... probably. Fabulously written, stunningly complex and multi-layered, with sizzling tension between H/D, LEGILIMENCY SEX (and other hot, hot sex), inventively plotted, perfect in every single way.

survival is a talent by ShanaStoryteller (219K WIP)- In the middle of their second year, Draco and Harry discover they're soulmates and do their best to keep it a secret from everyone.Their best isn't perfect. a soulmate au that starts in 2nd year, when harry and draco find out that they’re soulmates - my favorite fic ever 

FAMILY / KID!FIC

All I Want For Christmas (Is For You To Stop Talking) by @femmequixotic and @noeeon (163K)- The Niffler's Garden is the most prestigious wizarding nursery school in England and has been for the last century or more. Harry Potter's boys are both enrolled as pupils at the Garden. When he volunteers to assist with the Yule pageant, he has no idea that he'll be working closely with another parent, Draco Malfoy. Although they haven't seen each other much since their own school days, Harry faults Malfoy for not being a hands-on dad to little Scorpius. Will the intense weeks of preparation fan the fires of enmity or something else entirely? This is the most perfect holiday fic ever with children and a pageant and amazing side characters and tons of lovely winter feels! 

Sunshine, Fresh Air, Telly, and Time by frnklymrshnkly (32.5K)- Immediately following the war, Andromeda and Harry must look after Teddy. But who will look after them? a wonderfully loving and bittersweet tale of Draco, Harry, and Narcissa living with Andromeda after the war—all raising Teddy as they grieve and heal together. 

Failed Application of Thought by RuArcher (67K)- Draco sighed, knowing he would live to regret his next words, “I’m willing to do anything it takes to get Scorpius the life he deserves, even if that means pretending to be madly in love with you, you intolerable buffoon.” This is a fabulous fake dating fic filled with all the feelings you could ever desire, and it has one of my favorite Dracos ever-- I just want to wrap him up and protect him and Scorpius forever! 

papa says harry potter helps people by jilliancares (10K)- Draco Malfoy is reintroduced into Harry's life when a little boy enters his shop, lost. The same little boy upends all his bookshelves, which Draco holds himself responsible for. It all kind of escalates from there. contains very adorable Scorpius moments, Harry running a book shop, and Draco and Harry slowly falling for each other. 

POST-HOGWARTS

Ynys Afallach (I will give my Love an Apple) by @femmequixotic and @noeeon (42.5K)- Professor Waverley Root's tutorial in the history of magical food is something of a legend at Flamel College. Draco Malfoy wants to apply it to his work in sustainable wizarding agriculture. Harry Potter's taking it for his interest in historical overlap between the magical and Muggle worlds in the West Country. When Root pairs them together, the fireworks (and the apples!) fly. Now if only they can find something original, perhaps they'll make it through to complete their degrees on time. Okay this fic is highly underrated and needs 5x the current kudos- it has university students!drarry, sexual tension out the roof, amazing use of arthurian legend, brilliant magical theory, and is just all around brilliant as fuck!!

Silver Soul by @dracoismytrashson (75K)- It's about a year after the war, and Draco is a bit of a London hipster working at a record store. Harry is lonely and confused about what to do with his life so hanging out with Draco and listening to shoegaze records to pass the time seems like a perfectly viable option. one of my favorite Draco in the Muggle world stories ever. Misunderstandings, softness, snarkiness, shoegaze. 

Tell Me the End at the Beginning by @harryromper (36.5K)- St Mungo’s is the last place anyone wants to spend the festive season. Harry finds himself there anyway. Or: Harry's an Auror suspended from duty, Malfoy's wearing the hell out of three-piece suits, Hermione is entirely over everything, and Kreacher just wants to be left alone to decorate for Christmas. Draco Malfoy wears three-piece suits. Like, if that's not enough to convince you, I don't know what is. 

Chasing Treacle Tart (and Draco Malfoy) by xErised (23K)- Malfoy, who is sentenced to work as a dinner lady in the Ministry canteen, has an annoying habit of withholding desserts from Harry. Harry puts up with it, but when Malfoy stops him from getting his beloved treacle tart, Harry is determined to do something about it. And Ron? He's really just there for the awkward flirting. This fic is funny, sexy, compelling, and just all around delightful :) 

Castle on the Hill by tsundanire/@breathofmine (1.5K)- Based on Ed Sheeran's "Castle on the Hill"Harry takes a "road trip" back to England after spending a few years in Romania working with dragons. It had been 10 years since Harry left, and the honest and pure relationship he built with Malfoy over letters is gorgeous. They both just hope that meeting again after all that time will be just as wonderful. (and it is) 

Highly (in)Compatible by @gracie137blogs (37.5K)- Draco’s been shagging The Prat Who Lived on and off for a few months when his soul mark starts to change. Draco’s had to accept a lot of adjustments to his life, but accepting that Harry Potter could be his soulmate is one step too far. It can’t be true? Can it? One of the best takes on soulmates I’ve read with excellent magical theory and an exploration of free will, and which includes a wonderful cast of characters and lots of humour and banter; Draco’s voice here is fantastic.

The Kitchen Thieves (and the Kitchen Herself) by @potteresque_ire (Pie) (67K)- In a deserted cottage miles away from Hogsmeade, two young spirits waited for a new owner to call the place home. One day, Auror Harry Potter bought the cottage. One evening, farm wizard Draco Malfoy showed up to spend the night with Harry...and steal a pepper shaker from the kitchen. Maybe Kate can tell you all about them? She’s the spirit who looks after the kitchen, and she’s got quite a bit to say… Pie took the sentient houses trope and ran with it; utterly unique fic, with incredible rich characterisations and an emotional arc that had me reading the last part through copious (happy) tears. 

SMUT

In the dark, the light by Phrynne (32K)- ‘Potter… It’s Malfoy. Do you still want this?’ It started like that. Malfoy’s breath on his ear, his voice low, hot against his skin. Harry shivered, though he could feel the heat from Malfoy’s body just behind him, too close, but not touching him. Even if he could. For the rest of the night, he could do whatever the hell he wanted with Harry. The best bdsm I’ve EVER read.

Whole New Kinds of Weather by @lower-east-side (2.5K)- She’s just as compelling as she’s ever been. Incredible UST, perfect dialogue, scorching, fabulous sex, and Draco as genderqueer: a fic not to be missed.

Kettle by @magpiefngrl (3.5K)- Draco likes to put up a fight. The most tender exploration of hardcore kink within a loving, committed relationship that I've ever read, and hot as hell, too.

In Deep by @lqtraintracks (9K)- Harry isn't sure when he went from hating Malfoy's snide, smug mouth to wanting that mouth all over his cock. Gorgeously hot exploration of BDSM kink in a new relationship that manages to be tender and sweet at the same time.

DEFIES CATEGORIZATION (by me at this time)

Love Him More by @bixgirl1 (17.5K)- A love story. Several of them, really. Delicate, bruising, and uplifting all at once. 

The Drarry Sestina by @julcheninred (<1K)- Sometimes I dream I’m bleeding from my scars... This gorgeously written poem took my breath away and left me haunted but ever hopeful for Draco and for the both of them 

Dwelling by aideomai (83.5K)- Curses, James and Lily Potter ride again, several Ministry balls, a teenage Summer of Love, a grim young adult dystopian winter, a few different Draco Malfoys, secrets and the problems re: not having any, alternate lives, impossible lives, real lives, allusions to Dirty Dancing, and just because it's not called the Mirror of Erised doesn't mean you shouldn't know better. The most mind-blowing fic I read this year, a story that allows the reader to see how much it does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live, besides giving us a delightful relationship development and some seriously hot moments, all wrapped in a glorious package of plot and overall awesomeness.

A Holiday in Provence by @dracoismytrashson (32K)- Harry Potter is turning 50 years old and feeling lonelier than ever. Divorced, retired, and learning he’s not quite as straight as he thought he was, Harry reluctantly accepts a birthday gift from his friends for a week’s stay at an idyllic French vineyard. Too bad Hermione and Ron neglected to mention that the owner of the winery happens to be a certain quick-witted blond Slytherin… The world-building and the dynamic between the characters in this is nothing short of magical. 

Memories of Draco Malfoy by ImmortalAcorn (14K)- “He had to live, I knew. Without him there would not be much to see. I guess the world would be just ashes and smoke and blood - that's at least how I imagined it. He had to live. Whatever it would take.” a series of short poems (I guess) about Draco and their relationship. There is another one, from Harrys perspective. They are short but perfect. Angst is real and sooooooo good.

‘Til Our Compass Stands Still by china_nightingale (9K)- "It was an unconventional relationship, if one could call it that. It was the way it had always been - bodies colliding while lips stayed closed, dueling and caressing and ripping one another open while hearts stayed locked safely behind cages covered in bruises from curses and kisses. There were never many words spoken. If they talked, chances were that ugly things would tumble from their tongues like they did so easily during their Hogwarts days." Harry and Draco eventually realise that things don't always go to plan, even if it's a plan they've been carefully crafting to keep themselves safe from each other. a little harsh and gritty, but so full of unspoken love <3 

Thank you again to everyone who contributed!!: @dracothecupcake @ebbet @keyflight790  @bixgirl1 @magpiefngrl @hogwartsfirebolt @amrame @bonzicatgirl @lillyevans @harryandhislittledragon @hermionejeangranger @lower-east-side @jadepresley @findingsilencetheymadelove @lqtraintracks @queendomcosplay @threeh plus several anons!  <3<3<3

I’ve done my best to tag all the writers whose tumblrs I could locate, but if I’ve missed anyone, please let me know so I can tag them!

[yzssie]

OCEAN EYES pt. 2

Characters: Loki/Reader(Y/N)

Chapters: 2/7

Warnings: smut and smut (dominant Loki), mentions of self-harm, a little angst (added some fluff to compensate it)

Short summary: You find yourself in the midst of another attack by Loki, but little did both of you knew that things will get complicated, a strange attraction to each other will change everything.

Words: 2.7k

Disclaimer: I DO NOT ROMANTICIZE OR ENCOURAGE SELF HARMING! Mental health problems are very serious and real. If you have any struggles and you want to talk with someone, I am right here and I truly wish to help you!

A/N: I am incredibly thankful to everyone who liked, commented, reblogged and even sent me asks (ugly cry) ❤ ❤ ❤ . I am so happy that you guys liked and read my work, though I still lack, I will try to get better. Since I have received so many kind reactions, I have started to write the third part. And I also have written an episode which will probably be around part 5 if I get to it. (Hint: “There’s no Thor without Loki and there’s no Loki without Thor.”)

So all the support is welcomed and appreciated. I will probably make a tag list if you want to be tagged.

*part 7 is out, check Masterlist*

He acts indifferent, but he's aware it's only to hide the fact that he’s also longing for your touch. Although he is interested to hear about your troubles, he cannot postpone the need to become one with you. For a second there he had the impression you were going to back off and he couldn't live with the thought that he forces himself upon you, because he never did and never will. He will get so frustrated and annoyed with you if you won't do something. But in a second you start kissing his neck; your lips touch his skin softly. You trace a line of butterfly kisses down his neck when you decide to graze your teeth upon a spot, to which he grabs your hair.

“No bites. I can’t get myself so low as to be marked by a mere mortal.”

Your heart flips a little. He was right when he said that this means nothing to him. But you care so much that you cannot really think your actions through.

“Really? Have my words really sadden you?” he rolls his eyes and you trace your fingers down his chest, hoping that this matter will be forgotten. “Humans and…” he inhales as you lick his well-built chest and abs. “Sentiments,” he moans.

You lower and stop at the band of his boxers. His bulge is throbbing painfully, asking for release and attention. You bite your lip as his voice draws your attention to his face.

“Three minutes have passed,” he raises and takes you away from the bed. “Kneel!” his eyes darken and you comply looking straight to him while a satisfied grin appears on his face. “Finally,” he steps closer forcing his bulge in front of you.

“I… I had never done this,” you quiver while you take off his boxers and free his whole length. You gawk as its standing tall with precum already dripping from his tip. You touch him gently and he inhales deeply. You rub his shaft with one of your hands and look up to see his satisfied face. He closes his eyes and his eyebrows furrow while his lips are slightly parted. You will definitely not forget that look upon his face and his irregular breaths while you fasten your pace. Ever. Seeing how pleased he is by your actions, you decide to be witty and lick his tip before going down his length and then back to the tip as if you want to trace every vein on his sex.

“Y/N,” he moans. Something in his voice makes you tremble and you finally take him in your mouth.

“Fuck. Fuck,” he breathes and opens his eyes to watch you gracefully sucking and licking his dick. You want to break the eye contact but he grabs your hair: “Look at me,” he grits his teeth more because of the bliss he is in.

“This will be the biggest mistake you ever did in your life,” he groans and tugs on your head, trying to fit his whole manhood into your mouth. He throws his head back in pleasure and you try your best to deepthroat him but you start to gag. He doesn’t seem to mind it and still maneuvers your head faster and faster. Your saliva is messily going down your chin from the speed and you feel that you might become breathless soon. The sounds you make turn him on more and after two more thrusts, he comes inside your mouth, a throaty groan following his orgasm.

You cough after the intrusion because of the lack of air but swallow his cum anyways. You try to steady your breath; you feel that all the air from your lungs is gone. He pats your hair and pulls you back on your feet only to quickly throw you on the bed. He hovers over you and captures your lips again as his fingers travel down to your damp part. He plays again with your clit, approving with a nod that you’re still as wet as ever and ready to take him in. His teeth graze your neck again but this time he travels down to your breasts and starts kissing, licking and gently biting your sensitive bud, enticing moans from you. Your hands search for his hair again, slowly massaging his scalp as he leaves more hickeys on your body. You want to stop him just like he did but then you’re reminded of your unworthiness. Not just for him, but for everyone… everything… He stops:

“Are you serious?” he asks and you look at him confused.

“What?”

“Can you stop thinking about anything else but this and enjoy yourself?”

“I am enjoying this Loki,” you pant.

He bites the inside of your thigh and you shriek.

“I'm going to take you so hard that everything you will think about will be just me,” he growls as he places his tip at your entrance.

“Wait!” you quiver. “Can you… go gentle at first?”

As soon as those words came out your mouth you seriously felt like punching yourself.  It was such a stupid and awkward question.

His ocean blue eyes search again for yours.

“I knew it.”

That was his only reply as his lips found yours. You messily kiss him back as his tip slowly penetrates you. You inhale into the kiss and arch your back to meet his chest. He embraces you and whispers into your ear, “Relax.”

The pain is there, you can feel it as he fully enters you and you bury your head into the crook of his neck. He waits a little bit, then moves again and a short pained sound hits his ears.

“Breathe pet,” he notices you’re holding your breath and kisses your shoulder. He moves again, this time his thrust is met only with a shaky breath. “You’re so tight,” he moans as he tries to keep himself composed and not pound into you like there’s no tomorrow. He pushes himself slowly but he makes sure to fill you up each time. Even if he wants to go faster, this pace allows him to feel everything, your inside clutching onto him and his shaft going in inch by inch.

“Loki, my King,” you moan as a sign that the pain faded.

“Oh love, you will have my name on your tongue for a long time tonight," he says with a smirk.

You moan again at the other nickname he uses. His thrusts start picking up in strength and pace as a slapping sound fills the whole room. You almost yelp at a particularly strong one before he loses it all and starts ramming into you fast. Your legs wrap over his waist, urgently looking for more contact. Your hips start to roll in order to meet his assault. His hands move from your hips to pin your wrists above your head.

“Open your eyes Y/N.”

You open your eyes to meet his. How deep you have fallen into those ocean blue eyes, so deep that it scares you. You are scared of the aftermath, of losing them after you had them looking only at you. They would make you cry for sure, because of pain, pleasure, happiness maybe. It is not fair, you think. But you can’t do anything regarding this matter. This pair of blue eyes is forever engraved into your memory now. A wave of ecstasy hits you and you feel your second orgasm forming into your lower pit.

“Oh no,” he chuckles darkly. “You won’t cum until I say so,” he thrusts deeply, making you mewl.

“I need to,” you barely whisper and he stops. “No!” you whine in disapproval.

“Turn on your fours pet.”

You comply more or less happy since you do not want to be left hanging.

“Higher!” he orders and hits your buttocks. You obey.

“Loki!” you groan feeling some of his juices streaming down your thighs as he stares at you. You’re getting embarrassed.

Loki is still in denial. He is fucking you, a mortal, a fragile human. Moreover, he let you touch him and softened for you when you weren’t confident. And he now stands in front of you who begs for contact. He even hugs you, whispers sweet words and calls you love, a nickname he used to say only in the past, before he became aware of his nature as a Frost Giant.

He moans as he fills you up once more. You had felt so good in his presence, even if he thought that your aroused scent and this whole frustrating tension is because you are a virgin. He expected this to end as soon as he pounded into you but it was exactly the opposite. You are more tempting, more endearing to him now. Your hands give in and you collapse, barely being able to hold your lower body as high as he wants. He can feel you tighten even more around his shaft. You consume him and he is eager to let you do so. But then his cocky and proud attitude wakes him up.

“No.” he pulls out again and you scream this time.

“Please, don’t! Let me cum please Loki! My King!” he grins at the desperate state he put you in.

His fingers enter your pussy and you sigh. How bad you need this orgasm, your whole energy is sucked by him and if you don’t cum you will blackout. His fingers slowly move inside, making sure to don’t trigger your orgasm too quickly. He wants to tease you, make you cry his name out, beg. However, he feels his cock throbbing for release and your cries are making it harder for him to hold it in. He stops again.

“Loki!” you yelp, annoyed that he cannot make up his mind.

He turns you around and makes you straddle his lap. You look at him and he tucks a strand of hair behind your ear.

“You’re beautiful,” he whispers and kisses your shoulder.

You flinch as his lips move on your arms but he stops when he hears your loud heartbeat. He kisses you once more as he enters again and you both moan in each other’s mouths. Your hands wrap around his neck though you were hesitating at first when you saw him move uncomfortably, but he also wraps his hands around your waist and you both go quicker. His fingers once again yank your head to look at him and you feel lost into him, with no escape.

“Let it go love.” He smirks and you arch your back, your eyes closing when you feel your orgasm finally hitting you. Your walls clench around his length and he feels it too, immediately filling you up with his cum. Ecstasy makes your whole body shake into his embrace as your legs shiver uncontrollably. He nuzzles his nose in your shoulder as he empties himself into you.

“Easy.” He kisses your neck as you both calm down.

Once you're relaxed and breathe normally you slowly get out from his grasp and anticipate what will happen next. Will he dispose of you? Really kill you? Or just leave without saying anything?

“I don’t regret it,” you manage to say. He smirks and gets up for the bathroom.

You stay there as you hear water dripping down and you feel bad. He probably feels dirty after this, maybe you really stained him or whatever he said when you wanted to bite him.

“For some reason, I can easily read your emotions,” he replies as he comes back shortly.

You finally take in his whole frame. He has broad shoulders, as you did notice before, but seeing him naked now is more than you imagined. His chest looks so strong and sturdy, his muscles and eight-pack flex deliciously while he walks. You shift your glance from his lower part, feeling your cheeks redden despite the fact that you want to see those voluptuous thighs ready to ride. And then you become aware that he might not be as pleased by your appearance as you are by his.

“It’s like a roller-coaster.” He remarks before he throws you on your back and spreads your legs. “You should be in a constant fucking mode to get rid of them.” You’re taken aback as he starts to wipe your thighs with a wet towel. You feel embarrassed by the position he put you in and close your legs.

“I will do it.” You get up and try to take the towel from his hand but his stoic gaze stops you.

“You’re continuously disobeying me and it won’t help you from now on.”

You gulp. His stare drops again on your scars and you feel so exposed to him now. You grab the sheets and cover up, guilty of what you are.

“Again.” He sighs and tears away the blanket from your body.

“Loki!”

“Y/N! I think I might have not been clear with you!” he grabs your wrist and pulls you closer, his breath ghosting on your lips. “You’re dead. Everyone saw me killing you. And you will stay dead until I say so. I can’t afford someone finding out my cheap trick to keep a weak Midgardian alive for unknown reasons,” he says, his voice stern and dominant. “You are stuck with me now. And you will do what I say and if you try once more to hide anything from me, starting with your body, you will see how merciless I can be,” he tightens his hold on you and you shiver.

“I am glad that you’re feeling aroused again. I assumed you are tired and want to rest but…” he starts as he hovers over you. “I have to keep my promise and get those annoying thoughts out of your mind.”

“First, you won’t kneel!” he slammed into you, and you jerk your body. “Then you call me by my name without my permission,” he thrusts again and your sensitive womanhood is still not recovered after the massive orgasm you had five minutes ago. “Then you lie to me,” another slam.

“Assume you can have any effect on me,” the third thrust shakes the whole bed.

“Well, physically it was not that hard,” again.

“Lie to me,” and again.

“Try to touch me,” another one.

“Touched me in the end,” seventh.

“Hide yourself from me,” eight.

“Cum without my permission,” ninth.

“I didn’t!” you retort and he plunges even harder.

“TALK BACK TO ME!” eleventh.

“Feelings getting in the way because you think too much,” twelfth.

“Telling me what to do,” thirteenth.

“Swearing,” fourteenth.

“Refusing to be cleaned by me,” fifteenth.

“Telling me not to look at you,” sixteenth.

“Trying to leave a hickey on my neck,” seventeenth.

“And finally did it even if I said no,” eighteenth.

Your eyes open and fall on his neck where you can now see the faint trace of a bite. When? Was it when you had your orgasm? That’s the only moment when you were in so much pleasure that you don’t remember what you did.

He thrusts again and you feel your third orgasm on its way.

“Pet, you have to be very obedient if you don’t want me to punish you,” he snaps. “Understood?” he slams and you both cum, juices mixing again. Your bodies fall onto the bed and you go limp.

“Yes,” you breathe and weakly turn over to find his body and rest against his. He freezes for a moment. This would be the first time he would stay in the same bed with somebody after satisfying his needs. It would be the first time only if he stays. He won't. But then his thoughts are interrupted by your delicate fingers caressing his chest.

“You can punish me later for this.” You smile and close your eyes.

His look is alarming. Will he do this? Now? With this… Midgardian? He inhales your scent again and finds his mind giving in. After a few minutes of being still, questioning his intentions, his hands start to unconsciously trace your scars softly. What could happen anyways? You are both fucked up and he already risked a lot by faking your death. What in the nine realms was in his mind? But he has already thrown himself headfirst into something too big to escape from. So he has to handle this.

[shipmistress9]

FTLOAP: Chapter 43: I Don’t Wanne Close My Eyes

Fandom: HTTYD

Theme: Hiccstrid - Medieval-style AU - Romance - Angst/Hurt/Comfort

Summary: Reduced to little more than a stable boy, Hiccup, despite his noble birth, has few prospects for more in life. But when he meets a girl who came to look at the horses, being a stable boy might not be enough anymore. Together, they have tough choices to make and great risks to navigate if they want to survive and be together.

Rating: Explicit

FF-net  -  AO3 -

Discord-server for discussions and questions

Part 1: Prologue; Chapter 1; Chapter 2; Chapter 3; Chapter 4; Chapter 5; Chapter 6; Chapter 7; Chapter 8; Chapter 9; Chapter 10; Chapter 11;

Part 2: Chapter 12; Chapter 13; Chapter 14; Interlude 1; Chapter 15; Chapter 16; Chapter 17; Chapter 18; Chapter 19; Chapter 20; Chapter 21; Chapter 22; Chapter 23; Chapter 24; Chapter 25; Chapter 26; Interlude 2; Chapter 27: Chapter 28 ; Chapter 29 ; Chapter 30; Chapter 31; Chapter 32; Interlude 3; Bonus 1; Chapter 33

Part 3: Chapter 34; Chapter 35; Chapter 36; Interlude 4; Chapter 37; Chapter 38; Chapter 39; Chapter 40; Interlude 5; Chapter 41; Chapter 42

Alpha/Co-author: @athingofvikings

. – * – _ . o O o . _ – * – .

AN: Hey everybody. Once again sorry that there was no update last week. As announced on Tumblr, neither I nor athingofvikings had the time and energy to get it done in time. By now, I'm relatively satisfied though, so I hope this chapter will make up for the waiting. Also, thank you all for being this understanding. You're great! :D

But at this point, I'd like to make an announcement. It's quite possible that in future, more chapters might come in later as well. The reason is that I'm pregnant. :) 7 months in now. The baby, a little girl, it due in Decembre. So yeah, I have a lot of other things on my mind besides writing these days, and focusing on one thing gets harder and harder. ^^"

As mentioned before, this entire part was meant to be in the previous chapter... In the end, it turned out so long that I probably would have split it anyway, so... it's okay as it is?

And I want to make two things clear...Many people are speculating about Daniel, when he'll return, and how he'll be able to help our couple. A few questions in this regard will finally get answered in his chapter ;)

And I've mentioned this before a few times, but since it came up THREE TIMES in the reviews and comments to this chapter alone...

YES, TOOTHLESS AND A FEW OTHER DRAGONS WILL EVENTUALLY PLAY A ROLE HERE, TOO.

Maybe everyone reads this now... but I won't bet on it.

This chapter now has the title I'd planned for the previous already. It's from 'I Don't Want to Miss a Thing' by Aerosmith, and I think it fits really well here. ;)

. o O o .

Even though the ball ended up being much more enjoyable after her trip out to the gardens, Astrid was still grateful when it finally ended with the last movement from the band and her father’s formal speech. No, not just grateful. She was excited. She was practically trembling with anticipation for the planned meeting in Eret’s rooms, and would have liked nothing more than to go there directly after the party.

But Ruff’s words of caution, of not starting those kinds of rumours made her see reason. It was expected that women would wait until their wedding night, and while the social expectations were different in different regions – from what she’d heard, over in eastern regions, long betrothals and sex during the betrothal were not unheard of – here in the capital, it was ironclad. Women who were outside of the Temple waited. Period. Rumours of her being seen entering Eret’s chambers would be the height of scandal, especially given the still-ongoing competition over her hand. However, if that had been the only reason, she wouldn’t have cared much. No, what was even more important: if people believed that she’d already slept with Eret, then gaining acceptance for her actual choice later on would be even harder.

So, reluctantly, she accepted the necessity of having to return to her own rooms first, in order to change out of her extravagant and recognizable ball gown and into one of Ruff’s simple maidservant outfits in nothing else. But even with that disguise, she had to wait until the castle had calmed down for the night, just like before when she’d sneaked out to meet Hiccup at the stables. Once it was time though, there was nothing that could stop her. She’d expected to go alone, that Ruff and Tuff, who also had a long day, would be tired. But they insisted on coming along regardless. 

“We’re in on this now, whether you want it or not,” Ruff had commented dryly, her brother simply nodding at her side. 

Astrid wasn’t sure whether three people on an errand might be a little too obvious, despite the twins’ assurances that it would actually be more effective. But thankfully they didn’t have far to go and also didn’t encounter anyone in the dark corridors, and once they’d reached Eret’s rooms, she found that she couldn’t care less about such thoughts. The moment she stepped inside, out of view of whoever might be walking the corridors, and spotted Hiccup standing at the far end, awkwardly shifting his weight off his left leg and biting his lower lip, everything else around her seemed to fade out of existence. 

With a soft gasp, she flew through the room and into his arms, her lips on his before anyone could react in any way. Some part of her had feared that everything that had happened out in the gardens had been nothing but a dream, just wishful thinking. But at that moment, she fully realised that all of that – talking to Hiccup, reconnecting with him, and the whole conversation with Eret and the others – had really happened. She was back in Hiccup’s arms, where she belonged, and nothing would ever be able to separate them again. 

It took him less than a second to catch up to her mood, his hands on her back hurling her closer, their kiss turning deeper and more heated. This was different from the sweet reconnecting out in the gardens, not hesitant or careful but instead filled with all the longing of the past two weeks. It was wonderful, everything she’d missed and longed for: his hands on her waist and back, his lips and tongue moving with her own, the stubble on his jaw scraping pleasantly over her skin. She could feel his warmth seeping into her body, heard his low gasps and moans against her mouth, could smell his achingly familiar scent of leather and sunshine, could finally taste him again. The force of their kiss even made him stumble a step or two backwards before he caught himself – and her – again, gripping even harder, and Astrid wanted nothing more than to stay in this moment forever.

But, of course, time wouldn’t stand still for them.

“Oh dear, get a room, you two,” Dagur commented from behind her, reminding Astrid of their audience. 

Embarrassed and also a little breathless, she pulled back from Hiccup after all – reassured by the expression of joy and love she spotted in his eyes – and turned to look at their friends again. 

“Be careful with what you wish for,” Tuff groaned at that moment, letting his head drop back in one of his theatrical gestures. “Giving them a private room might result in more noise than even you would want to hear.” 

. o O o .

Despite the joy and happiness buzzing through Hiccup’s body after her kiss, he involuntarily tensed at Tuff’s words. How much did Astrid’s warder know? Spotting the fierce blush on her cheeks, he figured that the man at least had to know something, and he threw an apprehensive look at how Eret and Dagur would react to this information. Knowing about their feelings was one thing, but learning that Hiccup apparently knew very well how the Princess – their little sister – looked beneath her expensive robes was something else entirely. 

But before either of them got the chance to say anything, Astrid beat them to it. “I don’t think that’s why we’re here, is it?” she asked, quickly and in a way that made her intentions to change the topic more than clear. However, none of the others objected, allowing Hiccup to relax again. This was really not the moment he wanted to discuss the extent of their intimacy – not that he felt like ever discussing it with anyone present! 

Waiting for her here in Eret’s rooms for the past hour had been awkward enough already. There was a certain tension, especially between him and Eret, and Hiccup knew that, at some point, they would have to talk about it. But with Dagur around as well, there hadn’t been time so far, so he pushed all those mixed feelings aside. Now was not the time to dwell on them.

“You’re right. That is not why we’re here,” Eret agreed after a short tense pause. 

“Related, though,” Dagur commented dryly.

Eret scoffed and he shook his head as if to shake off an unpleasant thought, then ran a hand through his hair before he pulled over a chair to sit down. 

Hiccup could hardly blame him. After the long night of dancing and the ride earlier in the day, his legs ached as well; the left one especially was cramping now that the tension of waiting for Astrid had ebbed off. He looked around, but the only seating accommodations were the other chairs, which quickly were occupied by Dagur and Astrid’s servants, and the couch that usually served as his bed these days. He hesitated, but with Astrid still refusing to let go of him – and frankly him feeling the same reluctance – a chair wouldn’t have suited them anyway. So he guided her the few steps to the side to sit down there, not caring what the others might think. 

Eret threw them a thoughtful glance when Hiccup looked up again but didn’t comment. Instead, he went straight to the point, taking Astrid’s heavy-handed suggestion without rancour. “All right, let’s see what we have,” he began, unusually sober compared to his usual rather relaxed nature and the joking atmosphere of only a few minutes ago. ”First, I’d say we need to all get onto the same page. I mean, the main problem is obvious; Astrid has to pick a husband, but Hiccup isn’t eligible. We could make some excuses to postpone the betrothal, by faking an injury or an illness, for example. But that wouldn’t solve the problem. What we need is a way for Hiccup to rise in rank sufficient to be eligible. So what was the plan you had in mind before Astrid’s birthday – assuming you had one?”

Astrid nodded enthusiastically, apparently eager to get started. But although Hiccup felt the same energy, at least to some degree, he wasn’t fooling himself. For sure, maybe Eret and Dagur would have some brilliant solution that had evaded him – but he doubted it. Not because he didn’t think them intelligent, but after he’d already spent so many nights desperately searching for an answer, it seemed unlikely that they’d spring on it. What was left that he might not have thought about already? 

“To be honest, I wasn’t really thinking about this at all at first,” Astrid admitted sheepishly. “All I knew was that there had to be a way and that Hiccup had a plan.” She shrugged, her hand squeezing his as everyone’s attention turned toward him. 

Slowly, he nodded. “Yeah, I had a plan… or something in that direction, at least.” His eyes focused on Eret. “I planned to... well, to simply do my best as your squire,” he said, self-consciously. “I wanted to make a good impression, on you but mostly on Daniel. I... I hoped I could earn his respect and maybe get him to like me, enough so that when I would ask for land and title when Astrid came of age, he’d support me.” He gave a helpless shrug. “That sounds so stupid now, but I thought it could work. It had to…” 

The last words, he only added in a low and sad whisper so only Astrid would be able to hear him. His eyes met hers, and he couldn’t keep the pain out of them, the renewed sense that he’d failed her. Yes, he’d been so sure… But even with the Goddess’s assurance, he still wasn’t able to feel the same again, not after what had happened. There still was this tiny sting of doubt, of the fear that he might not be able to prove himself worthy after all. 

“I see,” Eret sighed. “You’re right, it sounds pretty foolhardy. But… well, given how quickly you and Daniel already became friends by now, it could have worked, I think – with enough time.”

Hiccup nodded, swallowing. “Which is the problem. We don’t have that time anymore,” he muttered, his voice weak and breaking. Only dimly he was aware of Astrid reaching up to caress his face, even her soothing touch barely enough to pull him out of his thoughts. He’d been over this so many times during the past weeks, and talking about it now didn’t feel like it would help at all. On the contrary, it just made everything more real. 

“Well, we could still approach Daniel with this proposition together, right?” Dagur now threw in, looking from one to the other until his eye stayed on Eret. “As you said, Daniel certainly likes him. That in addition to Astrid’s feelings and our support might be enough, don’t you think?”

“No!” Astrid gasped. She became rigid in his embrace, her face suddenly pale even in the dim light of the lanterns. “No, you can’t tell him! He-he would get Hiccup hanged! Just like Harold and that other– No, please, he can’t know! Please!”

Hiccup tried to soothe her as she started to tremble violently, but knew that there was little he could do right now. This had been her fear right from the beginning, and even though he hoped that it wouldn’t come to that, he also couldn’t be sure. He and Daniel might have become something like friends, but that didn’t mean he knew how the Prince would react to such a violation of his own law. 

However, Eret seemed to be less concerned about that. “Is that why you never said anything? Because of Daniel and his law?” he asked, grimacing.

Whimpering softly, she nodded. “You’ve seen how hard he’d become, how mercilessly he executed Harold. Not… not that he didn’t deserve it, but… what if he does the same to Hiccup?” Her hand around his tightened, nearly crushing it. “I won’t take that risk. We can’t tell him, not until it’s all settled.” 

Slowly, Eret shook his head at her. “Oh, Swanja,” he sighed. “I really wish you would have said something sooner. You got it all wrong. This law… it’s about people who touch you without your consent, against your will. Harold tried to rape you, for Odin’s sake; of course, Daniel showed him no mercy. But he’d only need to take one look at you two to see that this is what you want. Believe me, he wouldn’t punish Hiccup for making you as happy as you’ve been at the ball earlier. On the contrary, Dagur is probably right. If he knew, he might very well support you.” 

Next to Hiccup, Astrid seemed to deflate, and he pulled her even closer until she leaned against him again, her face hidden against his chest. He’d seen the sheer panic in Astrid’s eyes at the idea of her brother catching them. Maybe Eret was right and Daniel wouldn’t even mind, but that didn’t mean that her fear hadn’t been real. And he could only imagine how it looked inside her head now.

But whether Daniel would punish him for their love or not, Hiccup felt a certain hollowness of is own at Eret’s words. In a low voice, he murmured, “I wouldn’t count on him supporting us either way. He made it pretty clear who he wants her to marry.” His eyes flickered to Eret, who flinched at his words but didn’t contradict him. “From what I learned about him, he doesn’t believe in love at all, even called it a fickle thing when we talked once.” His head turned toward her on its own volition, leaning a little closer. He wanted to hold her forever, to never let her go. But with every minute they talked, his hopes sank.

“And if Daniel thought Hiccup to be a suitable candidate, wouldn’t he have arranged for him to at least be eligible for this stupid marriage contest?” she added bitterly, apparently having caught herself again, and shook her head. “No, I won’t count on his help.”

Eret grimaced, and even though it looked as if he wanted to object, he didn’t. “I wish I could contradict you there,” he muttered. “I mean, one thing’s for sure, he does care for your happiness, and greatly so. But…” He let out a heavy sigh. “But you’re right, counting on that to be enough might be a mistake. Because Hiccup’s right, he made his preference regarding your choice clear, at least retrospectively. And while he certainly wouldn’t approve of a strictly political marriage with, say, Thuggory, he still has to keep the safety of the Kingdom in mind as well. As future King, he needs you to forge a beneficial alliance through your marriage.” He gave a small, apologetic shrug. “That being said, we can at least keep this option in mind; it would have to be some kind of last option anyway. Daniel isn’t due to return until a few days before the official betrothal, and since it’s apparently impossible to contact him – or he actively refuses to answer;  I’ve sent him three letters by now – we can’t approach him with this earlier anyway.” 

Astrid tensed. “I don’t think relying on his support as some last option is a good idea,” she murmured, and even without having to look at her, Hiccup knew what she was thinking. And apparently, he wasn’t the only one. 

“I know where this is going, Swanja,” Eret said, shaking his head at her. “But I really hope there’ll be another solution.” 

His and Astrid’s eyes met, the sudden tension between them tangible to everyone around. Hiccup swallowed, waiting. A major part of him wanted to support Astrid in this, to simply run away, right now, and not care for any consequences. But he just couldn’t do that.

“Eh, what’s he talkin’ about?” Tuff asked as the silence stretched on. 

His sister let her head drop back with a groan. “Isn’t that obvious? They want to elope. Might be the only realistic option anyway.”

From the corner of his eye, Hiccup saw how both Tuff’s and Dagur’s heads snapped around to stare at them. But he didn’t dare to turn his gaze away from Eret, anxiously awaiting his reaction. 

However, it was Astrid who spoke first. “I won’t take any chances,” she said, her voice low but urgent. “I won’t wait and hope until it’s too late! The past two weeks gave me a taste of the life awaiting me if I do, and–” she turned in his embrace until their eyes met– “and I won’t lose you again!”

Hiccup’s throat tightened at the raw emotions in her eyes. Desperation. Determination. Love. He pulled her closer until his forehead rested against hers, holding her tight “You won’t,” he whispered, and added mentally, Not if I can help it.

With a soft sigh, Astrid pressed herself closer to him. It helped to reassure and calm him, at least a little bit. There was a way, no matter how hopeless things seemed right now. There had to be…  

“I know that it’s pointless to try and talk you out of this plan,” Eret eventually said in a quiet voice. “But please, can you at least consider other options, too? If you really pull this idea through… I don’t even want to imagine the chaos that would follow.” 

There was a spark of resistance in Astrid’s eyes as she turned her head back toward the others, toward Eret, and Hiccup braced himself for an intense argument. Because he knew what Eret meant – but he also knew that, if running away with her really turned out to be the only option, then he would not hesitate to follow through with it.

“Just think it through, Swanja,” Eret implored when she didn’t say anything, painting the mental picture despite his former words. “If you two were simply gone one morning, it won’t matter who knew or suspected what you’re feeling for each other or what your reasons were. It will be seen as an abduction. There would be a hefty bounty on Hiccup’s head and a reward waiting for whoever brings you back – you alive, and him dead. I assume you think you can hide until nobody is looking for you anymore, but I promise you, that won’t be easy. And for how long are you planning to hide anyway? A year? Five? Twenty? And even if you manage to not be found… have you thought about what would happen here? Even if Dagur and I can convince our fathers that he didn’t kidnap you against your will, it would be impossible to turn that into a public announcement. You’re the Princess! You’re in the focus of the public eye; people won’t simply forget that you existed. And there are enough influential people out there who’d love to use this to tear apart the alliance the Kingdom is built on. I… I don’t even know how people would react. Hiccup’s my squire, so maybe some would blame House Jag’r for working against the Kingdom and try to drive a wedge between us. Or maybe someone would remember that Hiccup is from the Tribes and blame them. Can you imagine the chaos, no matter whether people would just openly protest, for example against the palace guard being made up by tribesmen, or would even demand your father reigns them in for good? It’s all–”

“Don’t you think I know all that?” Astrid interrupted him all of a sudden. She was shaking all over now, her fingers digging into Hiccup’s arm almost painfully. “Because I do! I’ve known for all my life that I have responsibilities. And it’s because of the people that I haven’t run away from it all long ago. But…” She threw a quick glance up at Hiccup before resting her head against his chest, hiding from everyone. “I don’t want to cause this kind of trouble. But I just can’t live without Hiccup.”

Hiccup’s arms around her tightened further as he tried to silently reassure her. However, a small part of him was actually glad that Eret had brought up all these problems that could come up if they ran away. Yes, he’d agreed to this option as a last resort, but he really hoped they would somehow find another way. 

With a heavy sigh, Eret drew their attention again. “I know,” he said in a surprisingly soft voice. “I’ve watched you these last two weeks, Swanja, and believe me, I wouldn’t want to toss you back into that state. But… just promise me that you won’t simply be gone one day. Promise me that you’ll wait, that you’ll let us look for another solution in earnesty. And even if we can’t find one, there still might be ways to… I don’t know, to prepare your disappearance. Just don’t do something stupid, okay?”

After a short but tense moment, she nodded. “I won’t...” 

A small wave of relief wash through Hiccup, something he hadn’t known he really needed until that moment. Eret’s concerns were real. And yes, he’d do everything to be with her. But he also knew that he would hate it if their love came at the expense of others, and he was sure that Astrid felt the same. Or would feel once things settled down. 

Eret didn’t repeat his question to him, just threw him an inquiring look and was satisfied when Hiccup gave him a firm nod in return. 

“Okay,” he then sighed, and settled a little more comfortably in his chair. “Now that that’s settled, let’s see what we have. What is it you’ve thought about so far, Hiccup? It’s probably easiest to start there.”

Next to him, Astrid relaxed noticeably, presumably now that she knew Eret wouldn’t try to separate them after all. Her tight grip on his arm loosened and her body seemed to sag as she snuggled against him more comfortably. Hiccup turned his head to place a kiss onto her hair, deeply inhaling her wonderful mayweed scent, and drew strength from her closeness before he answered. 

“I’ll try, but I doubt it’ll be of any help,” he said, his voice trembling. “We’ve already covered that my original plan to gain a title through Daniel’s favour won’t work. Maybe we can hope on his support once he’s back, but that’s a flimsy hope at best. That would be awfully close to the day Astrid has to choose for real, and even the Prince himself can’t create a title out of nowhere. And as for other options… I can’t see any. Uncle Eret already made it clear that, even though he might want to, he won’t be able to provide me with a title, family or not. He has enough vassals who already requested compensation for their lost lands, worthy men who’ve earned their place. And the only land he actually had to distribute was the farm in Sunhill which is part of Ester’s dowry. Aiming for that would be both pointless as she’s betrothed already and would kinda defeat the purpose anyway.” He laughed, shakily. “I never placed a request to the other Grand Dukes, but their situation is hardly different, and they have even less reason to help me anyway – despite the blood relation to House Jorgenson. And the King…” He gave a helpless shrug. “Likewise. He has enough requests for titles as it is. There simply is no land left for titleless noblemen like me. That’s the whole problem, isn’t it? The reason why the Kingdom is at the brink of a civil war. There’s no point in joining that struggle, no hope of success at all. Even if I was willing to enter those fights and to further tear at the Kingdom’s foundation, I’d be going in there naked, with no manpower, no money, no allies.”

“And what are we?” Dagur threw in, a little offended, but Hiccup didn’t even need to reply as Eret beat him to it.

“We wouldn’t be of much use,” he grunted. “Not yet. We might count as powerful allies in case we can bring our fathers on our side. But even then we can’t enter the title disputes, not without making it all so much worse.”

“Worse how?” Ruff asked, sounding curious.

Eret scoffed and affected a high, simpering, overcultured voice. “‘But sire, why won’t you come to my aid in defence of my claim on that title? You helped that titleless squire, after all!’” He twisted his torso as if turning to look at the man who had been ‘speaking’ and said in a much more gruff tone, “‘That was a special situation. I’m sorry, but I can’t be of any help.’”

Then Dagur jumped in, with an imitation of the high overcultured voice. “‘Well, fine then, sire. But I and my kin will remember this in the future!’” He coughed to clear his throat as Eret motioned towards him with a there you go gesture. 

“All we’d be able to do is support him with trade contracts and the like, but not with manpower. We can’t help him gain a title, only support him once he has one.” 

“So what about the North then?” Tuff asked from where he lounged in his chair, his legs dangling off one side. “I mean, he is the heir to one of the most powerful Houses there, aren’t you? Even with the struggles about who’s to become the new High Chief and all, that has to count for something, right?”

Hiccup hadn’t known how well Astrid’s servants were informed about his situation and identity, but he decided to not focus on that point. It didn’t really matter now anyway. Instead, he concentrated on facts, on staying calm enough to explain, and was incredibly grateful for Astrid’s supportive hand reaching for his own. He would have to rely on her strength some more tonight.

“There’s nothing there to gain either,” he replied in a strained voice, aware of how Eret and Dagur leaned a little closer. He couldn’t even blame them; he hadn’t really told them anything about what had happened. “I’m an outcast from the Tribes. Even if I don’t return to the islands and tried my luck with one of the dukes on the mainland, at the coast or even further south somewhere amidst Wodensleya... they wouldn’t dare to support me. Not with the threat of the Tribes’ retribution looming over their heads.”

“‘Their retribution? What would they do, toss you over the side of one of their ships and make you swim?” Tuff suggested, breezily dismissing his words with a languid wave of his arm.

Hiccup scowled at him. “Yeah, maybe... about thirty miles from shore in a storm.  But more likely is something like ‘midnight raids with flaming torches’ and then let’s work our way up from there.”

Tuff snorted. “I’m always up for a bit of drama, but that certainly is a bit too dramatic, don’t you think? I mean–”

“No, it isn’t,” Hiccup cut him off directly. He remembered what had happened, even though he wished he didn’t. But the bewildered looks everyone threw him at his strong reaction made it clear that he would have to relive it all again now. “It happened about a season after... after my family died,” he said through clenched teeth, eyes pressed shut. “Some idiot popped up at Grunberg, one of the biggest settlements on the coast, and claimed that he was me. The ‘supposedly dead ducal heir of the Tribes’ he said, and tried to gain support for a bid for the ducal seat.” Hiccup remembered having heard that, still recovering with the crude bandage around his leg; he hadn’t known whether to laugh or to weep. “He lasted about two months. Now the opportunist’s head is on a spear on Berk.” He gave Tuff a glare that made the man shrink down in his seat. Yeah, one does not mess with the Tribes… 

“We’ve heard about that,” Dagur muttered into the silence that followed. “It was then when we realised that you had to be dead for real, even though only the bodies of your father and brother could be identified without a doubt.” He threw a worried look at Eret, who nodded. 

“Yeah, that was a dark day. Although… I thought the Tribes reacted that strongly because someone dared to use the name Haddock to gain power, as some form of paying tribute to their former High Chief. But I guess that wasn’t all that was about then?” 

With a pained grimace, Hiccup shook his head. “The Elders made it clear that, if I ever showed up again and tried to regain power in their domain without their consent, they would not show mercy again. Not toward me and not to whoever would be with me or supported me.” Swallowing, he glanced at Astrid next to him. “So trust me when I say that House Haddock is worth nothing, not anymore, and there’s no realistic way to change that.” He hoped this would be enough to let this particular topic drop, but he should have known better.

“No realistic way?” Eret asked, his voice quiet but serious. Apparently, he still hadn’t given up on this idea. 

With a deep sigh, Hiccup closed his eyes. “If I could prove that I had nothing to do with my family’s death – mainly my father’s – then they might be willing to lend an ear to my claim; probably not to become High Chief and Grand Duke, but maybe for some form of compensation. But patricide is one of the severest crimes among the Tribes, and even a sneaking suspicion was enough for them to distrust me. And I can’t even demand a fair trial. I’m not young enough to be under their protection as a minor, but since I failed my initiation I’m not a tribesman either, not legally. Under normal circumstances, I would’ve been allowed to try again or prove my worth in another way, but with the attack happening so soon afterwards…” 

He trailed off, consumed by the pictures rising in his mind. The burned remains of his home. The flames and the heat. The pain and the loss. The accusations. With Astrid in his arms and the prospect of their shared future – no matter how insecure it was at this point – the memories had lost some of their bite, but they still stung. If only things had gone differently that day… 

“I can see the dilemma,” Eret, who was at least a little familiar with the way of the Tribes, muttered. “That’s why you tried so desperately to find information about the attack.”

Hiccup nodded. “But it’s been futile. I literally found nothing, nothing in over two years. Whoever was behind it was incredibly careful. They left no trail at all, no witnesses. It almost looks like it might have been an accident after all – except that that makes even less sense.”  

“So the North is not an option,” Dagur summed it up, closing this topic to Hiccup’s utmost relief. 

Eret nodded in agreement. “Yeah. I’d thought that might be the easiest solution, but apparently, it’s not. Now I get why you thought there wouldn’t be a way. But I’m sure there is one, somehow. Let’s see…”

. o O o .

For nearly two hours, they threw ideas and suggestions around, but without getting anywhere. It was just as Hiccup had feared: none of their friends was able to think of something he hadn’t thought about already. 

However, it was actually good to get it all off his chest, after all, to talk it through without having to hold back. And even though he felt incredibly tired and drained, he also felt lighter. Having support, no matter how little they might be able to actually help, was good. 

Astrid had been rather quiet throughout the entire discussion, but that wasn’t really surprising. On more than one occasion, she’d expressed her annoyance about how little she actually knew about politics and the Kingdom in general, so there probably wasn’t much she was able to contribute. Every now and then, she threw in a question, asking for clarification or making a random suggestion, but over time, even those became less frequent. 

It took him a while before he noticed why, though. At some point, she had fallen asleep. Hiccup only noticed when he tried to shift into another position and her body, draped halfway across him at that point, had simply followed the motion like dead weight and her only reaction had been a cute little grunt before she drifted back into slumber. 

It was something that made him smile despite the rather fruitless discussion, something so light and simple as falling asleep in each other’s arms. Oh, how much he’d missed this! Only last night, he’d lain on this very couch and had despaired over how much he missed her, how he would do everything to get her back, to hold her again. And now, the impossible had happened; she was here, warm and cosy against his side, her head resting on his shoulder. It was a wonderful moment, one he hoped to experience again. Often. 

But for now, he knew that he had to end it. Reluctantly, he cleared his throat to draw the others’ attention, then nodded toward her sleeping form. From one second to the other, the room fell silent, soft smiles on everyone’s face. 

“I guess that’s our cue then,” Dagur murmured, a crooked smile on his lips as he gazed at his little sister. “Odin knows it’s been a horribly long day anyway.”

Yawning in agreement, everyone rose from their seats. But when Hiccup made attempts to wake Astrid, as carefully as possible, her maidservant stopped him by placing a slim hand on his free shoulder. 

“Don’t,” she whispered. “Let her sleep. I haven’t seen her this peaceful in a while and I think she needs this. Needs you,” she added with something between a smile and a smirk. “The night isn’t long enough for us to get enough sleep as it is, so I’d rather she gets at least some restful sleep. I’ll be back before dawn to get her back into her rooms, you’re usual time.” Her words were followed by a mischievous wink, one that made clear she was talking about when Astrid had sneaked back to the castle after their shared nights. It again made him wonder just how much the twins knew, but this certainly wasn’t the time to ask. 

And it didn’t really matter anyway. 

With a nod and a grateful smile, Hiccup shifted until both he and Astrid lay on their sides, her head resting on his arm and his free hand lightly wrapped around her back. The couch certainly wasn’t as comfortable as a real bed and even in his sleeping stall in the stables they’d had more space, but it was still luxurious and wide enough to easily hold them now. It wasn’t as if he wanted to leave much space between him and her anyway. 

Behind him, he could hear Eret and the others move and whisper, probably putting the chairs back into their places and discussing how and when to meet again. But Hiccup didn’t pay them any attention. With his body shielding Astrid from the noise and the faint light, he simply watched her sleep and got entirely lost in her features. Ruff was right; she looked incredibly peaceful, relaxed with a small smile on her lips. Hiccup couldn’t help but smile as well as he fished for the blanket folded somewhere above their heads and then covered them both, encasing them in their own little bubble. 

Before he could truly settle for something like sleep though, someone clearing their throat behind him drew his attention again. Carefully so as to not wake her, he turned his head and found Eret standing a few steps away. With a somewhat tense expression, he waved him over, indicating him to follow into the other room. 

Hiccup suppressed a sigh but worked his way out their little nest nonetheless. There were things he and Eret had to talk about, things that were nobody else’s business. And yes, it was better to clear those right away instead of waiting any longer, but that didn’t change how much Hiccup dreaded this conversation. In the doorway, he turned to throw another look at Astrid though, warmth spreading from his heart through his chest. She was worth everything. 

Eret was already waiting for him, leaning against the desk and with his arms crossed in front of him. As expected, the room was otherwise empty, everyone else having left by now. Hiccup made a step inside, then closed the door behind him, unsure whether to wait for Eret to start or do so himself. He didn’t get any time to ponder though.

“I’m sorry,” Eret began, direct and straightforward. 

It made Hiccup’s mouth clamp shut as he fought to keep the beast that were his feelings for his cousin contained. There was just too much right now, everything jumbled together. 

“I know that I should have said something sooner. I knew that something was up with you two.”

“You tried,” Hiccup muttered without knowing how to really feel. The truth was that learning about how Eret had known about their feelings – or however else he called it – and hadn’t done or said anything to help them had left marks in their friendship, and he couldn’t say yet of what kind they were.

But Eret just shook his head. “I didn’t try hard enough. I knew how miserable she was and that you were hardly any better off. I feel horrible and keep asking myself how much pain I could have spared you if only I’d made you talk to me. It’s all just–”

“It’s okay,” Hiccup interrupted him, even as he had to avert his gaze. He knew the truth of the matter, knew that Eret wasn’t to blame, not really. But a part of him wanted to blame him, for everything. And it was this part of himself he had to fight now. “We’re not your responsibility. It was me who gave up too soon, who pushed her away and hurt her. And… well, as painful as these two weeks were… I think we needed them. I needed to feel the weight of that loss, if only to know what I’m fighting for. You heard what she said, and the same is true for me, too. I can’t live without her. I know that now...”

“Yeah, I can see that,” Eret muttered. “Even though I don’t really understand it.”

Chuckling, Hiccup lifted his head to give his cousin a strained smile. “Let’s just say: It’s complicated!”  

Eret snorted. “Isn’t it always complicated?”

Hiccup’s lips twitched, but he didn’t comment further on this topic. He didn’t feel like explaining the whole soulmate bond again, didn’t want it to be played down just like Cami had only yesterday. And there were enough others, after all, enough other beasts to battle. So instead, he gave a heavy sigh and said, “I’m sorry too, by the way.”

“For what?” Eret seemed truly puzzled now.

Hiccup shrugged, inwardly steeling himself. “For stealing your bride. I know how many hopes you’ve put on your future with her.”

“Ah, that.” Eret’s smile turned sad. “Well, she never really was my bride to begin with, was she?” Chuckling, he shook his head. “This whole betrothal… I have to admit that, yes, I’ve been looking forward to this relatively easy solution for my problem. But I never should have let her go that far. She wasn’t happy with this arrangement, and I knew that it was because she wanted you. I thought that… that she surely knew what she was doing, that you’d broken up, maybe that it’s just been some silly infatuation anyway. I’d thought that we could help and support each other, that I could cheer her up again. But I should have known better. I should have known her better!”

Gulping, Hiccup clenched his hands into fists, hoping that Eret wouldn’t notice. “There’s no point in you blaming yourself for this,” he said as steadily as he could muster. Damn yes, the thought of her marrying Eret had hurt like barely anything else. But he couldn’t let Eret see that, couldn’t let that beast of stupid jealousy and hurt loose. It was unfounded anyway, wasn’t Eret’s fault. “Logically, her marrying you would be the most prudent solution, even now. I have to believe that there is a way for us to be together or I’d go insane – but you’ve just seen how hopeless it is. And if I hadn’t stumbled into her life like this, then I know that you and she could be happy together. Which is all I want for her.” 

Now, it was on Eret to give him a strained smile. “Welcome to the club.” Then he sighed. “It’s all a mess, isn’t it?”

“It certainly is,” Hiccup agreed. However, he found that, inside, the jumbled mess of emotions was calming down. Because everything he’d told Eret was true. He wasn’t angry at him, not really. Eret was just as much a pawn in the Gods’ games as he and Astrid were – maybe even more so. “But we’re good, I’d say. We all should have said something so we’re all to blame at least a little. But now, all that doesn’t matter anymore anyway. We’re good.”

“I’m glad to hear that,” Eret said, nodding. “But now that we’ve cleared that… there’s one other point I need to know. Not… Not for myself, but… Odin, she really is like a sister to me. And Daniel explicitly left her in my care, so…” He hesitated, but then turned even more serious than before. “What was it Ruff and Tuff were referring to earlier? About her sneaking out of the castle and to the stables, about the noises Tuff overheard. The truth, Hiccup. You owe me that much.”

Hiccup bit his lip and turned away from Eret. He still didn’t want to talk about this, but he had a point. As her brother, he had a right to be worried. “You know what they meant,” he said in a low voice, the memory of those wonderful nights with her heavy on his mind. “Yes, she spent nearly every night with me at the stables. And yes, we did more than just peacefully sleep side by side. But… there was no penetration of any kind, she’s still untouched in the way that matters – which is what you’re concerned about, I assume. I’m not that stupid. Besides, if I’d gone that far, Cami would’ve skinned me alive,” he added with a weak laugh. 

“Cami knows?” 

At his surprised exclamation, Hiccup threw Eret a sheepish look. “She does. Although, until yesterday, even she didn’t know who. Just that I was meeting someone; I asked for her advice on more than one occasion, so...”

“I see,” Eret replied as Hiccup trailed off, his lips twitching. “Well, I’d say that’s going to be a fun conversation the next time we meet her – whenever that’ll be.” He sighed. “Either way, that’s enough reassurance for me. And… well, I didn’t really expect you to do more. I just had to make sure, you know?”

Grimacing, Hiccup nodded. “Yeah, I get that. I… I probably would have done the same.” If my sister would still be alive, he added mentally but suppressed that thought directly. 

“Good. Then I don’t need to emphasise that it had better stay that way now, too. It’s complicated enough as it is, even without adding an unplanned pregnancy.”

At that, Hiccup laughed, though without any humour. “Don’t worry. I’ve learned my lesson.” He hadn’t forgotten, after all. He didn’t know what the Gods’ plan was, but the timing of their separation was still too precise to be a coincidence. He wouldn’t risk getting parted from her again just for a little intimacy. There was too much at stake. However, he didn’t explain himself at Eret’s questioning look, just shook his head and asked, “Is there anything else?”

“No, I guess not. So yeah, it’s time to at least get a little bit of rest. Sleep well, Hiccup.”

“Thanks. You, too.”

Once back in the other room, Hiccup quickly slipped under his cover again, and couldn’t help the soft sigh at taking her back into his arms. Gods, how much he’d missed this! Just her weight and her warmth, her soft breathing and familiar scent. Just being that close to her again and, hopefully, never having to truly part. 

“Hiccup?” came her sleepy voice, barely more than a sigh. She didn’t even open her eyes, just shifted a bit at his movement.

“I’m here, Milady,” he whispered back, and brushed his lips over her forehead. “Now sleep.”

Humming, she complied, and not even a minute later, she lay still and quiet again, the soft smile still on her lips. The sight made him smile too as he settled comfortably at her side. 

However, he also couldn’t completely smother the tiny flickers of doubt in the back of his mind. He remembered the words of the Goddess, about how there was always hope and about how he only needed to do what came naturally, only needed to do the Gods’ work to get his reward. 

But what did that even mean? 

So far, everything he’d done had come naturally to him, hadn’t it? It had all felt like the right decision, at that moment at least. And even though things had turned a little brighter now, it could still all go wrong again at any moment. There still was not even the slightest hope for a solution… 

Well, pondering about it now wouldn’t get him anywhere. He would have to wait and see what the following days would bring them, whether he, Astrid, or one of their new supporters would come up with some new ideas or whether, through some miracle, another path would reveal itself to them. 

Now, all he could do was enjoy the moment, enjoy being reunited with her when he hadn’t thought that to ever happen again. He was incredibly tired after this endless day of emotional turmoil with the ball and the ride and after the previous night where he also hadn’t slept all that much. 

But somehow, he couldn’t bring himself to get the rest he needed. He didn’t want to fall asleep, to close his eyes. All he wanted was to watch her sleep, smiling in her dreams, and not miss a single moment of the time they had.

. o O o .

So, that was that... The situation really doesn't look good, does it?

And to everyone who keeps insisting Hiccup and Astrid should just run away and don't care about anything else... here's what my co-writer/alpha-reader athingofvikings has to say on that matter:

There are several issues /which have been brought up already in the fic/, but to emphasize them: Yes, they could run away. But they are in the center of the kingdom, and they are two people. So the next morning-or two mornings, if Ruff and Tuff manage to lie their asses off that the Princess is 'indisposed' (which would probably get them executed when it comes to light)-Astrid is discovered to be missing. Now, a horse with a rider can make about 15 km/hour (10 mph, for the Americans in the audience) if you're not running at a flat out gallop (which quickly exhausts the horse).

So lets say they get 100 km away on the road with that head start. So that next morning, when they realize she's missing, /and so is Eret III's squire/, along with two horses, the King asks Eret II to borrow ALL his horses to mount a search party for the kidnappers. And Eret II, his house looking at dishonor and arguably a /treason/ charge, not only says yes, but offers to lead the search. And /they/ don't care about exhausting their horses; they'll bring spare horses to swap out when the first gets tired, so they'll be going twice as fast, if not faster. Bounties get posted, and everyone knows that the Princess is out there. And while Hiccup and Astrid don't know this, the conspirators would /leap/ on the chance to do a bit of bride abduction, and send out their own search parties. So where do they go? Any village will note that a man and a woman on /fine horses/ came through just yesterday, and if they avoid the villages, that slows them down even more and makes it easier for their pursuers to follow them. And once they get caught, Hiccup would have to /hope/ that he's just hung from Odin's Tree.

But let's say that, through some miracle, they manage to escape the search parties. Then what? They can't really settle down; they'd have to flee the country or risk recognition, and if someone else figured out who they were, then Hiccup would be killed and Astrid ransomed back.

And that's just the practical aspects, even before getting into the fact that Astrid and Hiccup have a sense of duty to their stations, and wouldn't just abandon them. But those practical aspects have already been addressed by Hiccup, and barring a change in circumstance or situation, they're stuck. Right now, Astrid is in a gilded cage, and while the bars aren't necessarily visible, they /will/ run into them if they try to fly to freedom.

Next chapter

[dreamdaddydutch]

The Fairytale She Wove

Pairing: Dutch x original f! character (Javier x original f! character) 

Category: Drama/Fairy-tale/Smut/Angst & Fluff - Other Warnings: Violence/Miscarriage (not linked) Death/Suicide (rdr1 connection) - Word Count: 17,279. 

18+ only, do not read/interact if under 18. 

Summary - A long one-shot depicting the life and times of Dutch’s s/o, from when they first meet until his dying day. I wanted to capture what it would be like to be with him, all the love/praise/adoration, but also the paranoia/neglect/rage.

A few important notes - The story does skip a little time wise (in terms of going back and forward, reminiscing) But I hope the way I’ve written it and the way I use tense to convey what’s happening, makes sense. Dutch’s s/o is an ofc, I originally was going to write this about Molly, as there’s a lot of similarities, but considering what’s canon in the game, I decided that wasn’t right (but I do love Molly). There are no chapters, but due to the length of the piece I have used some dividers. I really hope you enjoy this, I’ve poured 30 hours or so into this over the past 6 weeks and honestly I’m still not 100% happy with it, so they may be a revised version in a few months! For example, although I touch on it I do want to add more about the tram crash and the impact it had on Dutch, I also worry Isla isn’t as likeable now as she was during my first draft. I haven’t focused too much on many of the characters or specific events, if I had this would have been a hella lot longer and would have taken away from the point of the story. Also, I deliberated over how old to make her for a long time (it was between 18-21), she needed to be young enough that she grows into herself with the gang, but obviously of legal age. I imagined that she meets Dutch sometime before the events in Blackwater also. Finally - I deviate from canon at the end in regards to the first game, I agonised over what to do, but the other option was too depressing at the end of a pretty angst-laden story. 

I made a youtube playlist to go with this - Here. Also thanks to @cassandrafey​ for beta reading the 1st finished version. Finally - there is a massive reference to Angela Carter’s ‘The Company of Wolves’ if you’re wondering. 

And when she’s around him her breast is full and she blossoms and blooms so that everyone can feel it. The atmosphere of the camp changes, and it’s like a grassy field after rain. When she sits beside him and his hand trails up her thigh, grabbing her flesh tight. Too tight perhaps in front of the rest of the camp, she flushes neck upwards but spreads her legs a little too wide to accommodate him. Her ruddy cheeks are not from shame but from desire, he wants to show the others she belongs to him, and she, isn’t ashamed to let her need show.

Like a cherry blossom tree she goes through seasons, there are times when she comes into bloom around him, her face lights up, she lives for him. And there times when there is a drought, when all her leaves fall, tattered and neglected around her.

She tumbles in all her skirts for him. She is grace, fallen. She is grace in every way when she isn’t with him. He is her undoing. How he watches her unravel, relishing in carnal sin. 

Her heart beats around him, her neck like that of a crane, follows him wherever he goes, savouring any attention, any small morsel makes her feel larger than the woman she is.

Arthur and John would tease her relentlessly, informing her often that some of her actions weren’t ladylike in the slightest.

And she would reply, laughter rising as she spoke, “I never claimed to be a damn lady!”

“Oh okay..” Came Arthur’s response as he too laughed. 

Dutch would be there, ever under his watchful eye she would vie for his approval, but it was never enough. Only with age, tragedy, and betrayal, would Isla learn that it would never have been enough. Dutch dreamed of an age long past, of blind loyalty. She had been enough for him, once, but that had faded like an old man witnessing the sun set on his last day. 

Oh oh it was good, when his kisses were full of teeth, bruising her collarbone as he worshipped her. When stubble started to grow, she would crave for it brushing against her inner thigh, sending chills up her spine whenever he did so. She would long for those moments when his moustache tickled her bud. In the beginning their love and passion was bountiful, he worshipped her like the goddess he believed her to be.

The ground shook for her the first time she set eyes on him, only 19 years old, all her plans, everything she had spent years meticulously mapping out, fell from beneath her feet, unimportant now in the face of such a man. She’d given him everything she had, promised herself to him, she needed no maps, nor books, nor guidance from family. She’d left the shores of home and before she’d started on her path, he had swept her up into his arms. 

On reflection, as her skin begun to map the storms she'd weathered, she realised she never stood a chance. He was always hungry and the consequence of this was that he had planned on having her from the moment he laid eyes on her.

Their first night out in town together had been an extravagant affair, of course members of the gang had laughed, of course Dutch would have organised no less and of course the others were jealous. 

There was a way he looked at her which she couldn’t describe in her journal, it wasn’t just hunger, there was a kindness there, perhaps she had mistaken it for love. Though, when she wrote those words in her diary when things would sour, she regretted them before the ink had a chance to dry. He had loved her. She believed, foolishly perhaps, that he had always loved her. But then when he was gone she pondered how easy it must be to feel remorse on one’s death bed.

When he first took her out in Blackwater he had taken her shopping, bought her dresses and lingerie and a beautiful green and gold shawl. All dressed up he had taken her for dinner, every part the gentleman, he doted on her in a way that made her feel like a princess. In the early days he would transport her to her childhood, to the stories her mother had told her of princesses locked in a tower and the gallant knights who came to save them. 

“You look ravishing my dear,” his words had swept her up. Silken, soft, the object of his desire and affection brought to life through his words so she would so readily believe him.

They didn’t return home that night, instead he had paid for a hotel and it was there he first slept with him, her virginity slipping through her fingers like sand through time. One moment she had been a girl full of foolish, naive dreams, and the next, as she listened to the ticking of Dutch’s pocket watch he had taken her. His weight near crushed her, made her feel loved and safe, he adorned her with kisses and praise, took his time, made sure to wait up until the second she was ready.

When they rode back into camp the next day on The Count, there were members of the gang who sensed the change in her, the women mostly, but Arthur had guessed. Arthur had always known what was up with her, but the smile she wore on her face paired so perfectly with her rosy, plump cheeks.

Arthur had helped her down from the saddle and she hugged him so enthusiastically, like a sister throwing her arms round a brother she hadn’t seen in a long time. There was a relationship they had with one another that barely required words, they just knew. But Dutch had been good to Arthur and looking out for him like a son, Arthur had no reason to worry about him and Isla.

The first time Dutch told her he loved her, she was lost, she should have known at that moment she would never have found her way home, even if she had tried. 

“Will you stay forever?” He asked.

She had laughed playfully, her wrist gently fanning herself, “Forever is a long time Dutch van der Linde.”

He’d smiled, eyes warm, not seeing her as prey for once, “I mean it, I love you Isla Robinson, will you stay with me?”

She’d stopped moving, frozen in the moonlight, carried away by all his previous promises, his words so sweet like nectar to her in the midst of a drought, “Like you even need to ask, I am yours.” 

The first few times they slept together at camp she had been nervous of the noise they were making, afraid others would hear and mock.

“Just let them try,” he had soothed as he kissed her knuckled, her wrist, kisses going up her arm to her neck. 

She could never say no to him, not her knight. So with the music that filled their tent, she set aside her fear and slid so willingly into his lap. His large hands would wrap round her waist just so, a perfect fit for one another, her eyes sparkling with adoration as she looked down into his weary lidded eyes. 

“Dutch?” She would ask whenever he seemed quiet, whenever she sat on his lap and his eyes seemed to fill to the brim with sadness.

“Sorry petal it’s nothing, as long as I have you, we’ll be alright,” he would reassure her so frequently and so easy in the early days and oh how she longed for that in the years that were to come. 

His thumb would trace her lips so gently that it felt like a butterfly’s wings. He would gently press against her chin, his fingers tracing her neck and she would welcome it, melting like butter under his touch. Her hips would roll involuntarily in his lap, there was a chuckle he had, it was low and often followed by a guttural moan. These were the sounds he made when she rode his lap as his thumb put pressure on her lower lip, asking permission for entrance without words. 

Her mouth would open and he would slip a finger inside, she would suck, grateful for all contact she had with him. The sucking would drive him crazy, how much care she took with just a finger, her tongue swirling round the digit, making him hard as her hips continued to roll into oblivion. Because when they were joined in the early days, nothing existed outside the tent.

He would cup her face, look at her like she was the world he would often pull her into his lap, especially when she least expected it, which would result in fits of giggling and him lifting her into the air, his most precious possession. 

And maybe that was the problem, for Dutch thought of her like she was something he owned, and in that breath, nothing she ever could have given him would have been enough.

One day as he sat reading, pawing his hands over the pages she had been feeling mischievous. 

“You know anything is edible.”

He looked up from his book, curious as to where she was going with this.

“Hmmmm,” he licked his lips hungrily.

She got up from where she sat and walked over to him, stood over him, placed her hands on his shoulders and applied just enough pressure that for a moment it was her who controlled him. Dutch gulped, looking up at the swelling in her bosom.

He smirked, “How will I ever get any plans made with you around, you’re my poison.”

She bent down and whispered in his ear, “You know, it’s the dose that makes the poison.” She sucked on the spot on his neck where his pulse could be felt and for a moment stayed like that, gently sucking as Dutch’s hands clasped her waist and then slapped her on the behind. She gave a moan and within minutes they were rolling around in bed, losing sight of time and all purpose. 

“You’re our lucky mascot, my guiding star you know that?” He asked sincerely as she mounted his hips and looked down at him sprawled on their cot. 

She smiled and bent down to kiss him, “Shhh silly.”

And she was both the poison and the remedy to Dutch, in the end those words would haunt her, she realised the dose of Dutch that she received had indeed, poisoned her. Like the foxglove, just enough would have been enough to numb pain, save her life and to give her purpose. But she’d overdosed on it and the flame that had burnt so brightly within her had all but turned to ashes within years. 

But in time, after Blackwater, things had started to go South, their relationship changed so slowly that she barely noticed what was happening until it was too late. 

At both Horseshoe Overlook and Clemens Point, things had relatively been the same, just the odd thing here and there, but she paid no attention to it. Of course there had always been a question in her mind, a fear that was starting to spread like ivy tendrils on an unloved building. The more she tried to ignore what was happening between them as well as to the gang as a whole, the darker the fears became.

She’d confided in Arthur mostly, he had reassured her, though he himself appeared to have his own demons and concerns about the future of the gang. This didn’t help, but at least she didn’t feel alone. There had been good days in Horseshoe Overlook and at Clemens Point, great days in fact, but her Dutch appeared to be ageing rapidly and in the end, her little legs just couldn’t keep up. 

Both herself and Arthur didn’t trust Micah, there was something about him that made her skin crawl and set her on edge. Watching Charles, Susan and Javier’s reactions with him she realised soon that it wasn’t just the two of them who felt like that. By the end, when she knew the truth, she had wished she had done or said something sooner. Hindsight is after all the most precious gift that she, nor any of them, would ever have. 

If Isla was being honest with herself, Micah’s betrayal had broken her heart but also she found it hard to place all blame on him, Dutch was not the saint he had sold himself to be when she had first met him. Her fists clenched when she thought too long on their characters, their nature, no amount of punching pillows would make it any easier. Mankind, we really are no better than animals, worse in fact. 

It was in those darker days when she begun to get closer to other members of the gang, Javier in particular would take her fishing or on small jobs as a distraction. Often the two of them would sit in silence, but she found his revolutionary heart much like her own, full of fire just waiting for a sign. The silent comfort they found in one another soon became her favourite place alongside having Dutch between her thighs. 

But things really started to turn when they left Clemens Point and entered the stale camp that was Shady Belle, their relationship wained, forgotten, lost in the fog that surrounded them and in the maze of trees. They would continue to be intimate, but it was fucking mostly, not love-making, it’s not that she hated that, sometimes, it was perfect, but she would have liked him to kiss her more often, to hold her after sex. When they fucked, he would forget about her, forget to reciprocate the pleasure. In the end, she got so used to it that when he did touch her or go down on her, she would forget the rest of the world. 

Her back would arch with pleasure, wishing she could hang in that moment forever. Those were the moments when he would call her pet names again, his love beyond all love. He loved her more than money he would say, more than anything, he would die for her… And she ate them up, every last lie, she knew the words were false, that she had praised Dutch, looked to him like a deity. This false god she had fallen on her hands and knees for, would crawl over broken glass for, he would be her end and still she loved him unconditionally. 

And in the end, even when she knew he was beyond saving, still she tried. She fought, with every last breath. 

“I can’t abandon him!” She had cried to John and Arthur as Sadie packed up their horses.

Arthur had shaken his head, not with anger nor disbelief, but the sorrow for what could have been. For the moment of tangency. It was a sorrow for the fact he couldn’t save her, just like she already knew in her heart she couldn’t save Dutch.

For when she was with him, dancing outside their tent, her face aglow from the campfire, opera playing, that was home. It were as if her ribcage were made of willow bark, sparrows had settled in to nest for Spring and moss had started to grow between the branches. Dutch was home. He had nested into her.

The first time they made love, felt like it like a lifetime ago in the moments before the final showdown, and yet she remembered all of it, every small movement, every beat of his heart and trace of his finger tips. 

The first time they had confessed their feelings for one another, she had entered his tent to speak about something trivial, at least that’s what the others would call it, that’s how they would remember it. Arthur though, Arthur would write in his journal that she entered for love, and that wasn’t a lie. She had entered into his tent to borrow a book, it was where they first found this common ground. He was was overjoyed to show her his personal collection and watched her closely as she pawed over his greatest treasures, gently opening them and inhaling the scent of leather. That was his scent. 

She would remember it years later, and when he was off in one of his rages, or worse, a fantasy, not a fantasy that involved him taking her against a wall, rather a fantasy about a plan, she would try to bring him home. Her chest was open to him, the birds sung, lonely now their children had taken flight, the heaviness of her heart that was only lifted when he was near. She would go to him, time and time again with a book she had acquired in town, clutching it to her breast, her dress pulled lower than she used to wear them. Cleavage more defined, her bosom exposed, overflowing, anything to gain his attention.

She’d sit beside him like this, book on her lap, fingers twirling in her hair, playfully resting her head on his shoulder, “Please,” she would beg into his ear, longing for a moment alone. And when he didn’t respond she’d sigh, praying to the goddess that he would listen to her, heed her pleas, “Dutch, please, be with me tonight.”

Dutch would shift uncomfortably, sigh, clearly irritated, “Not now!” Too often was his answer. 

There were times, not many, moments she could count on one hand, but that was enough. Times when she heard him mutter under his breath, “Damn woman,” as she walked away. 

Like a wasp, it stung, festered in her heart, turning it slowly into a fetid state. And like an untreated wound, it turned her cold, just like him, too often she would see him look at other women with the kind of lust he held once reserved for her only. And there were nights when he’d disappear completely, whilst the others in the camp never confirmed her worst fears, she knew he had taken comfort in the arms of other women. It was rare, true, but there had been a few moments when he appeared particular stressed that he would disappear into town and not return till the following morning, seemingly less pent up. 

He woke one night to find her straddled on top of him, “What are you doing?” He asked, unable to mask his annoyance. 

“This is the only way I can get you to look at me,” she’d replied woefully, no life left in her voice that had once been so soft it could have harkened larks. But she’d find once he was awake she couldn’t look him in the eye. 

She stared instead to the gap between the opening to the tent, the flicker of the campfire, the stars, anything was more appealing then, than staring into the eyes of the man she loved but no longer had.

She’d wanted to be powerful, a lioness in a lion’s den, to take control just once. But once she looked at him, she had been lost to his eyes. The silver now creeping through his moustache, his hair, her Dutch was getting old and foolish and it was breaking her heart. 

Though the tears had stung her eyes, it was nothing new, it had happened all the time.

“Dutch, we don’t need to sleep together, we don’t even need to kiss, I just want you to talk to me! We promised ourselves to one another remember? We promised we’d always look out for each other, I promised I’d never leave your side and I meant it. I’m here, you’re not alone you know that? If something is getting to you, please talk to me.” Every word she spoke hurt, because looking at the indifference on Dutch’s face, she knew he was barely there, so lost in his thoughts, whether it was worry, pride or guilt… There was a sin consuming him and the barrier he had built for himself to shut the world out, to shut her out, was made of wrought cast-iron, no amount of pretty language could break them.

He told himself he put up his defences to protect her, in reality it was a lie, the truth too painful to swallow. 

There were only two speeds when they fucked, there was painfully slow and loving, all tears and apologies, or there was hard and unrelenting. It was often the latter. Dutch would dominate almost always, because that’s what Dutch did, she could have predicated that. And it was how she liked it, over and over again. The control kept her in check. The control told her she loved him.

Always. The control he would show with Arthur and John. The discipline towards The Count. It was always the discipline which told her she was loved. And oh she would have done anything for him, she would have even gone as far as fucking John or one of the others for his pleasure. 

There was a time whilst at Shady Belle when nightmares filled her head after what happened to Kieran. She dreamt often that Dutch was a headless horseman, chasing her through the mist drenched woods.

She’d been wearing nothing but a thin, white, night gown, lace trimmed, the perfect material to see her pale, firm breasts underneath. Her nipples cold in the night, stood to attention like soldiers on a hill. In the dream she could never catch her breath. Could never run fast enough and oh how she wanted to save him from the nightmare. 

Twigs snapped underneath her bare feet, now covered in mud and dirt. She was revealed by the night in her truest form.. A long-eared owl flew overhead, ready to take the life of some innocent creature, for survival, that was what Dutch would say about the gang, their survival was dependant on taking lives.

The owl swopped down and caught a mouse, it’s talon piercing the creatures soft skin. No chance of escape, there was no kindness or mercy in the killing. As the mouse’s eyes dilate, it knows it cannot live another day, it watches the world from above as the owl carries it away and snow falls all around it. Splatters of blood fall to the ground in front of her, snow soon to cover them and let the world start again. 

The horseman would always catch her, his arms and chest covered in a thick carpet of fur. Her grandmother had warned her that men were like wolves, hungry, ravenous, always looking for their next meal.

And she knew in her dream she should run, should try to hide, but his scent, his black eyes, the way he looked at her, she knew this wolfman, knew somewhere within him there was a still beating heart. So she would approach the horse, arms held out and he would watch her. His hot breath hanging in the air, his horse not stirring. She would pull the sleeves of her dress down over her shoulders, her arms, she would step out naked into the snow and open herself up to him. 

As the horseman got down from his horse without a word, she would tilt her head, intrigued by him, the smell of death suddenly alluring. She knew what he wanted from her, she would lay in the snow, let her knees fall apart, undignified, exposing her sex, he would climb onto her, pinning her to the ground, his weight unbearable. His large hands holding her wrists captive above her head. He would slide into her with no warning, her teeth clenched at the pain from his engorged cock. 

As the horseman was about to devour her, she would awaken, dripping in sweat, screaming, untameable, wild, lost. And Dutch, it was always Dutch who was right there by her side. Soothing her, stroking her matted hair.

His eyes in the moonlight affixed on her and despite her fear, despite the comfort, there was always something in it for him. There had to be. Taste. He wanted to taste her, to devour her. Covered in sweat, glistening, she appeared to him far more delicious than any meal Pearson could cook up.

“Sweetheart, I’m here, I’m here, let me soothe you,” and Oh oh ohhhhhh how pretty his words were, how they slid from his silver tongue and how she gobbled them up. His sexual prowess, under the guise of care and concern. 

When she had told him about her grandmothers warning he had laughed, “Well am I supposed to hold back? not want to taste you.”

And Dutch loved to taste her.

It started with the lips, with her mouth, her delicate, pink tongue. The mixing of their saliva. 

It started with the neck, the collarbone, her porcelain breasts. 

Her thighs. Thick and unforgiving, enough to strangle a man with she had once joked.

“Dutch, you know, I could eat you for breakfast?” She’d said in a sultry manner.

They say there is nothing that can keep a man from his dinner, this was true of Dutch, when he wanted to eat her, he would take her. 

Her legs would part all too easily for him as he greedily grabbed and kissed her soft flesh. He would moan into her sex as his tongue worked effortlessly, sliding in and out of her, her hands buried in his hair. 

His finger would work expertly at her clit, moving in small, slow circles. That was how he knew she liked it best, yes. He would work her up into a frenzy from nothing, slowing building the warmth in her stomach. Sometimes when she was feeling more frisky she would wrap her thighs round him, holding him in close to her so he couldn’t move if he wanted to. At the same time she would push his head into her, forcing him to give her head. 

“Dutch….” Every time she said his name it was like she had waved a spell over him. And when she said it during sex, any power or authority Dutch thought he had, in that moment was gone. His name fell so readily, so pretty from her pursed lips. 

She wore rouge on her lips, she loved red, but knew what it made her look like, so that was reserved for parties or the bedroom. Red lipstick marks on his cock, that was what Dutch lived for.  Sometimes when he’d bathed, he’d ask her to kiss his cock when she’d freshly applied lipstick, just so throughout the day he’d see the marks there and remember she was his. She’d wear lipstick on every day days that was a subtle matte pink. It made her lips come alive.

Every time Dutch pulled her into his arms, he thought of her like an apple, freshly picked from the tree, juicy and sweet, needing to be tasted. 

And, in the early days, he was patient and he was good. She’d sit beside him, watching him trace lines of paper, his finger would caress the page as he read so she could follow the words. Sometimes she would sit on his lap as he read to her, and he would worship her like a princess.

There was a book she loved in particular, Wuthering Heights, one year for her birthday he had bought her a copy that was hers to cherish, leather-bound and illustrated. Then he had sat patiently on their cot as she read the words to him, correcting her when she stuttered. If she got flustered and cried, he would brush her hair with a rose gold brush that had been a gift when they were first together. He would run his hands through her hair, massage her scalp as he cooed, “Shhhh sweet girl.”

If she got too frustrated with what she was doing and threw a tantrum, he would pat his lap gently. The first time they did this it had both frightened and intrigued her. “You must learn my love,” he spoke softly.

She had laid across his lap, ever the obedient student, so he could spank her, sometimes it was sexual, sometimes not. Though the fear had been real at first, she melted into him, each slap of his palm across her soft flesh made her feel needed, wanted, loved. 

Sometimes he would make her count out loud, after every number his palm would come crashing down. Sometimes she would act up, squirm underneath him, “Now, now, princess,” he would say softly and brush her hair, “You must be patient.”

The first time she called him daddy, it took her by surprise, Dutch had just chuckled, “Daddy ay? Oh yes, I could be your daddy.”

Her cheeks burnt was shame but when she called him that, when his palm connected to her skin, she felt stronger, bolder, more certain. And even in the later days when things got bad and they barely had sex, it would only take for him to lay her across his lap once again for her to believe in him, to know just how cherished and loved she was. Even if Dutch didn’t realise it. 

As time wore on, Arthur truly had become like a brother to her, always looking out for her, sometimes they argued, but he was always there to soothe her when she and Dutch argued.

Dutch had loved her in abundance, had loved her fruitfulness, her nature was kind. But then it was her nature that would betray her in the end.

The first time her stomach had started to swell with child he had never been more proud. They were at Clemens Point, she had loved it there, the storms on distant shores, the rising and setting of the sun, and the fishing had been perfect. 

She didn’t announce her pregnancy straight away, she decided it was better for a few months to pass, until she was certain. 

Dutch had announced the news round the campfire one evening, much to the delight of most of the camp. Micah didn’t seem too impressed, but then she had expected that, he had never shown her much care or thought, if anything a child was just another mouth to feed, a nuisance, a distraction from money and trouble. 

The women of the camp had all offered their support, Abigail in particular. The night was full of drinking and song, Javier had promised to sing to her child, Tilly would teach them dominoes, Arthur had promised to take them fishing when they were old enough. The men had all been so proud in that moment and shown such care. Charles had offered to do anything to help make her comfortable… 

It was in those months that Dutch had been his old self again, hugging her from behind when they were in bed, his hand loosely trailing down to her stomach and stroking her slowly swelling belly. He would kiss her and talk to his unborn child, the one who would carry on his legacy. 

It was three months into the pregnancy when mother nature came to call and take back what had been so briefly hers. When she declined the woman’s greatest wish. They had been sat round the campfire, laughing and singing when she felt a stabbing pain. She tried to ignore it, convince herself blindly it was just her baby growing. But when she couldn’t take it anymore she stood to reveal blood seeping through her dress and felt it trickle down her thighs. 

She had run then, ran as fast as she could, it was in that moment she felt like she had been living in a dream which had slowly turned into a nightmare. A fawn, doe-eyed, innocent, caught up in the middle of a battle between beasts, she ran as fast as her legs would carry her. 

Dutch had run after her, finding her sat under a tree, cradling a dead sparrow. She held it so beautifully, with such love in her arms, like a child she cried over it, tears falling onto it’s soft, downy feathers. 

She had heard his approach, had looked up to find his eyes as lost as hers, ���I’m sorry Dutch, I’m sorry.”

He’d knelt beside her, stroked her cheek, “Nothin’ to be sorry for darlin’” He kissed her gently.

On reflection, that was probably it, Blackwater had been the trigger for their decline, but since the first miscarriage, things had gotten worse. They weren’t as close, not like they used to be. 

Again, the sex became more animalistic. She swallowed him whole, her throat opening for him, his fingers tracing patterns across her skin as if it were lace. Her pale skin would flush hot at his touch, the blue veins on her chest, like rivers heading towards her breasts, which tumbled and crashed over rocks when he came inside her. 

He had promised her the world, a world without recourse, a world where she no longer need be afraid. And all he gave her in the end was dust, a dream that could never be realised for his stubbornness and hot-headed ways.

Around the camp fire at night Arthur and Charles would sit beside her in silence as they listened to Javier play guitar and sing. Sometimes Arthur would put a reassuring arm round her or rest it on her shoulder, Charles would offer to talk to Dutch for her and Javier… As Javier played guitar he would look across the fire at her, lost in his own world and yet staring at her through the flames, how the fire reflected in her eyes, there were moments when he forgot himself. 

How many times had one of the other’s tried to talk her out of it, reminded her that he had been with Susan once and let her go. Perhaps if she broke things off with him, the love he once had for her would be strong enough for him to allow her to stay in the camp. There were other men who would love her better, friends who were concerned about her. For a moment she allowed herself to dream, to believe that there could be another life for her. She would nod along, thank them for their time and care, and then the dream would be over. 

There was an evening after a particularly bad row in Shady Belle that she was sat in their tent, the wind howled and frame shook, she curled up into her blankets and buried her face in her knees. 

“Isla, are you okay?” She heard Javier’s voice, just above the sound of the wind.

She didn’t know how to respond, she didn’t wish to lie, but was afraid to tell the truth. She took only a second to decide what to do, in the end she wasn’t okay and longed for the company. 

“Come in,” she instructed.

She heard his footsteps enter the tent and felt the cot sink under his weight as he sat down, she turned around, still laying down, with knees still up to her chest. She looked up at him briefly and he reached out to place the backs of his fingers against her cheek.

“You’re so cold,” he said, every part concerned. 

“Javier….” The words left her lips so perfectly, her face sunken, eyes cast downwards. 

And Javier had wanted her, but then could never betray Dutch. There was a love that swelled in his heart for her, they had gotten on well as friends since the early days of her being in the gang. They had often patrolled the camp together, sat up keeping watch together, he taught her more about firing a gun and fighting than Dutch ever had. 

Dutch had liked to keep her pretty, to keep her pure, all books and music and art and curly hair tumbling over naked shoulders. But Javier, like the others, knew the game they played was dangerous and should anything happen, she would need to know how to defend herself.

It wasn’t that Dutch had been against her owning a weapon, he had bought her a gun when they first met, had it engraved with a wolf. He had taken her out shooting, but that was all her lessons with him amounted to. Javier was different. 

“It isn’t fair,” she had wanted to ball up her hands and punch him, punch her bed, rip down the walls of her tent and run into the night, the wild, get caught up by the wind and carried away somewhere else.

But she didn’t, instead, she let her tears fall and looked to Javier for comfort. He stroked her hair, “I promised Dutch I would look after you,” he spoke softly. 

She snorted, “Sure, so suddenly he cares about me.”

Javier shook his head, “Dutch, has always cared about you,” he paused, searching his mind for the right words, “He’s just under a lot of stress.”

And she had believed him, as she always did, looking back when she was older, had she known then what she knew in her dying days. She’d of fucked Javier there and then. Let him trail kisses along her breast, eat her out and fuck her hard from behind, pulling on her hair, all grace and dignity discarded.

Instead she propped herself up, leaned in and kissed his lips, gently, softly, just once and pulled back.

“All I want is some damn warmth in this world, that too much to ask?” And the words pained her, it stung for her to confess to him this desire, how broken she was on the inside. 

Javier sighed, as he had done many times before. His loyalty to Dutch was unfaltering, he could never of hurt him, even if he had wanted to sweep her up into his arms.

Javier found he was unable to answer her, still shocked that she had kissed him, all he could so was stare at her, wait for something to happen. But he found he was so lost in her eyes, so lost for he had no clue how to comfort her. 

“I see that look in your eyes Javier Escuella,” she said breaking the silence. 

Javier cocked his head to the site, “What?”

“Pity,” her face remained emotionless.

Javier was unable to answer, because he knew the words she spoke were true.

“Ahhh mierda, I’m sorry,” he said, had he really meant to be that obvious with his reactions to her plight?

They left it there for that night, he tucked her up, kissed her cheek and sat beside her, rubbing her back until she fell asleep. It was only when he was certain she had drifted off to sleep that he left with a sigh, hoping that the dreams she had would at least offer some  comfort and break from the cruel world she found herself in. 

In the weeks that passed she would shake her head as she always did, saunter over to Javier and sit beside him, sometimes she would drunkenly climb onto his lap. Imagine for a moment that it was him she loved, Javier could be rough, but at least there was still passion in the man, passion for life, for her… Dutch had noticed a few times, but they never kissed, it never went any further and so he just shot warning glances in their direction. He too had become adept at lying to himself and telling himself everything was okay. 

Her offer was always there, always ready to talk to him, to sleep in his arms, he knew that, but the longer he went without saying anything and the worse things got, the harder it became for him to open up to her. He tried to bury his emotions, told himself it was for the best, that she loved him, but right now love wasn’t his concern.

Whilst at Shady Belle she had fallen pregnant once again, her and Dutch had a proper bedroom and so, at least for a few weeks, before Kieran’s death, they had slept together frequently and acted like love birds once again.

Whether it was the horror of what happened to Kieran, or the paranoia that plagued her heart when Dutch, Arthur, Bill, Javier and Micah went missing, the pregnancy didn’t last. Just like the first time she had a few moments of believing she could be a mother, that maybe a child would fix Dutch… That fatherhood would somehow make him a better man, the man he once was.

When she felt the familiar stabbing pain and saw the blood pool in her lap, she made the decision that she wouldn’t try again, she was not destined for motherhood. It was a bitter pill to swallow, but somehow, in accepting it she came to terms with the bed she had made for herself. 

Charles had looked after her then, held her close, told her stories of his youth. He had taken her with him hunting to distract her not only from the loss of her child but from the whereabouts of Dutch and the others. When Charles stroked her cheek and brushed her hair for her at night, refusing to leave her tent until she was asleep, she felt she could cope then. But the moment he was gone, she’d never felt so lonely. 

It was unbearable for her, yet she found she had to be strong for the others, to do nothing but cry and stress all day would do no good for the remaining members of the camp. For it wasn’t just those who were missing, with Hosea and Lenny lost to the sands of time and John locked away, hope seemed like a childhood fantasy. 

But she, Charles, Sadie they had to stay strong for the others, provide comfort and words of encouragement and so in a way, 

She missed Dutch terribly, missed him holding her in his arms, missed the way he smelt, the cigars he smoked. She missed watching him read from the corner of her eye, she missed the way they still occasionally danced and it reminded her of when he first swept her off her feet. She missed Arthur more than she cared to admit, her old friend who was always there for her. And Javier, her heart hurt when she thought of him, sometimes she would close her eyes and believe she could hear him singing or the soft gentle strum of his guitar. Though she couldn’t play, she’d picked it up several times and sat with it in her lap, finding herself talking to him without meaning to. 

The day they returned, she froze on the spot, pinching herself to check she was still breathing. She’d run to Arthur and Javier first, hugging them, kissing them both on the cheek, terrified if she let go they would slip through her fingers, fade away and that this was some cruel trick her grief was playing on her. 

She looked up and between their two shoulders she saw Dutch, he looked more tired and dishevelled then she’d ever known, her heart swelled for a moment and she begun to cry. “It’s okay Isla,” Arthur had reassured her, “Go to him, he needs you.”

She ran into Dutch’s arms, he lifted her up and her legs wrapped around his waist, when they kissed her heart was mended, the elation in that moment knew no bounds. He had taken her to their tent, still in his arms and laid her down onto the cot, “We have so much time to make up for,” he muttered in between kisses. 

And so the days passed, turning into weeks, months… So the seasons swept them up and brought change, never a moment to breathe from the dance of life. After Hosea died, that was when she noticed the biggest difference in him. Hosea had been the one that had held Dutch together, made sure he didn’t go too far. In a way he had been Dutch’s sanity.

And then Arthur and Sadie brought John home and the chaos that had been kept at bay, it didn’t creep in slowly, no, it poured down like torrential rain and wrecked havoc. Washing away all that was good that had remained, that had clung on like a gossamer in the wind carried by a light breeze, now thrown to the ground and lost in the fields of time. 

There was a moment, late one evening in Beaver Hollow, by this point, any dream she had had of a better tomorrow had died along with the many members of the gang they had lost. Her faith in Dutch was all but lost, yet she clung onto it desperately, hoping that the nightmarish memories of the past might be crushed once again by his love. 

She had sauntered, standing tall into their tent, Dutch was sat on the cot, grave, head in hands and oh how she had tried to comfort him, tried to turn his beating heart from that of panicked canaries to song birds free. She had done everything she was supposed to do, to be a good woman, the perfect woman. She had stroked and smoothed his hair, whispered every good word, kissed his cheek. She had taken her clothes off slowly, stood in nowt but her underwear, but Dutch wouldn’t look at her. He wasn’t angry, he wasn’t anything, he was a husk of a man.

When she had forced him to look, all she saw reflected in his eyes were her own, lost, dim, a dying light as the candle flickered into nothingness, bearing back the years she had given to him. 

Her faith diminished, “Quia peccavi” she whispered. Admitting and wanting to repent for her sins to a god that wouldn’t answer. And Dutch had stared beyond her, he didn’t recognise her in that moment, two perfect strangers meeting for the first time, it was then that the spark was irrefutably gone.

“Dutch we need to talk,” she spoke softly. “I can’t help you if you can’t help yourself,” she bit down on her lower lip, the loneliness had been killing her for so long. 

She was certain he no longer loved her, he had disappeared for the night not that long ago and she’d heard Micah talking the following day about the women they had paid for. Micah had talked loudly, shooting a glance to her just to be cruel. In the past she’d let such fancies go, but not this time, if Dutch could seek comfort elsewhere, so could she. Yet, something still held her back, wanting to give him yet another unearned chance. 

Dutch looked back at his book and ignored her, it felt as if her heart was in a vice, about to be crushed at any second, but she refused to let him see her cry. 

“I will only ask you once,” and her voice didn’t tremble as she spoke, so certain was she now of herself. Grown into womanhood in front of the wolf who had stolen her away.

“Do you want me tonight? Or do I seek the comfort I need in the arm’s of another?”

Dutch remained silent, lips shut, internally he screamed, a sob built in his chest, ready to explode and so he said nothing. They didn’t speak about what happened that night for a long time, though he guessed, strange she felt, for the jealous type, he never held it against her. In the end, it was one of the nicest things he had done for her. 

There had been moments when she considered intervening in his plans, providing her own thoughts and suggestions, in the early days he had listened to her, now she was just a distant noise that barely registered. So she had stayed silent, but as she turned to leave the tent there was something she could hold back no longer, “What you’re doing right now, your involvement with Eagle Flies, it’s wrong…I,” she paused, took a moment to consider her words, “I want to believe that you’re helping him because you care, a part of me believes you do. But,” she sighed, “There’s always something in it for you, I’m not even sure you know you’re doing it.”

She had left his tent then, conflicted, she didn’t run, or make a lot of fuss, just smiled sadly. There would never be a child. Not for them, they weren’t meant to be parents.

She ran, still only in her underwear, past Arthur and John, ran into the woods, gun in hand just in case she met anyone. 

“Meā culpā….” she cried against a tree, sinking to her knees in the dirt and leaves. She dreamt of England, dreamt of home, of the church where she and her family had worshipped. She dreamt of the University she was supposed to have attended, of her siblings, of all the books she was going to write and discoveries in biology she was going to make. She knew she had lost it all, her life had become meaningless and no god would answer her now. Not after she had turned her back so violently against him.

Javier hadn’t seen her run into the woods, but when he appeared in camp, Arthur had laid a hand on his shoulder and told him where Isla had gone, “You should go after her, you’re the closest save for Dutch,” Arthur paused and shook his head, “Maybe closer than Dutch.”

Javier had thanked Arthur, though the two of them hadn’t been close recently, a cold wind had descended on all the camp, turned those who remained ugly and untrusting. There was a paranoia now that poisoned the air and acted against any camaraderie that had the potential to bloom once again. 

Javier ran into the woods, “Isla,” he had called, panicked for her.

He saw her then, a heap on the floor, shivering, her legs covered in dirt and he had dropped down beside her, “Querida.” he stroked her face.

She didn’t need to ask him for it, he knew what she wanted, could feel the heat from her thighs, though shivering from the cold of night. He placed his warm hands on her skin, “You’re so cold,” and with that he had pulled her into his arms, holding her strong, fighting off the doubt and pain that threatened to destroy her. 

Javier was hesitant at first, but so much had changed and in the end he took her, She would of had him against the tree but he insisted going back to his tent when no one was looking.

Once away from the prying eyes of others they had tumbled into the cot like young lovers, hands exploring one another’s bodies, hungry for flesh, for something to fill the void they both felt. His lips were so hungry, needy against her open and her lips had parted so eagerly for him, to allow his tongue to taste her. 

He’d insisted on going down on her before they fucked, wanting to make sure she’d climaxed at least once before he took his pleasure. It reminded her of Dutch, how he’d been when they were younger, how keen he’d been to please her, there was a moment where she thought about stopping but Javier’s lips were kissing the inside of her thighs and the wetness pooled between her legs. Her hands found their way far too easily to his hair as his tongue dipped between her legs and his lips engulfed her. 

She couldn’t help but lift her hips, rut against his face as his hands squeezed her fleshy thighs, his name spilling silently from her lips as she came. 

Before he entered her, they kissed again, playful, youthful, rolling around and nipping one another’s necks. 

Javier’s hand clasped over her mouth to muffle her moans as he slid into her. Her legs wrapped around his waist allowing him to penetrate her deeper. Once they got into a rhythm he removed his hand which was quickly replaced by his lips, kissing her as he rode her to orgasm. 

The sex was full of love, he helped her to reach orgasm three times that night, taking care with every stroke of his fingers, he had opened himself to her. The first woman he had laid with in a while, the first he had loved since home.

“Javier…I think, I love you,” she said to him afterwards, catching him off guard as she curled up in his arms. Her head laid on his chest for a long time afterwards, listening to his heart go from frenzied like a beast in heat, to calm like the river. 

“Shhh now hermosa, less of that,” and it had pained him as he spoke the words. She cried into his chest but had understood perfectly, nothing more could happen, nothing more could be said or done. 

“Javier, promise me… promise me you’ll look after me.” Before he had a chance to answer she continued, “I know we can never do this again, I know that I have no right to ask this of you.”

“Shhh, I promise, I promise I will do everything within my power to protect you,” he kissed her head.

The following morning, she had emerged from his tent, Arthur, Bill, Susan… they had all seen, they all knew what had happened, and no one spoke a word of it, not to them, not to Dutch, they kept the secret. 

Dutch knew what she and Javier had done, he wasn’t even angry, he didn’t complain, he just took it. He was jealous, that went without saying, he was fiercely protective of the things he loved, and he resented himself for allowing her to leave him the night before, for not opening up. Jealousy coursing through his veins, threatening to boil over any second if Javier was to look at her just once more.

When he left his tent, determined to seek out whether there was any truth in their affections for one another, he saw Isla sat by the campfire, book in hand. It was the book he bought her years ago for her birthday, she was reading intently. He studied her for a moment, realised it had been such a long time since he had drawn her, such a long time since they had slept together. He didn’t question her or Javier that day, he never did. He simply lit up a cigar and sat near her, basking in her tranquility. 

That night he even started to talk to her about the tram crash, that he hadn’t felt himself since, that he was lost without Hosea. It had been her turn now to comfort him, to kiss his knuckles as she felt the love swell in her breast for him. Guilt regarding her night with Javier had started to consume her. 

“Dutch,” she had said nervously one night.

They were laying in one another’s arms, her head on his chest, this was the place where she felt the most safe. He was stroking her hair gently, one of his arms wrapped around her and pulling her in tightly to him. She started to cry into him, silently sobbing, hoping he wouldn’t hear.

“What is it my love?” He asked calmly. 

“It’s just…” she started, speaking through the tears that fell so easily.

“Shhhh take your time.”

She took several deep breaths and propped herself up so she could look down into Dutch’s eyes, “I want to apologise. I know the pressure you’ve been under, losing your oldest friend…I.” She blinked back the tears. Dutch had been a far from perfect lover to her, his words regarding her inability to provide him with a child had had deep. The months of silence, lack of physical contact had driven her near mad, but, but she hated herself for the fact she had allowed to be consumed by momentary weakness. 

She loved him more than the thought of home, wanted to nestle into him once again and build a house, not of straw or wood, not of bricks. She wanted a strong foundation for their future, but it was crumbling in front of her eyes.

“I am sorry,” she felt bile rising in her throat, she knew Dutch was no fool, he’d have realised what Javier and her did some time ago, “Know that I was a fool, that I love you, in a moment of weakness, I slept with Javier…but, but it was my fault not his, I led him on, I…”

Dutch held up a hand, “Please stop.”

She closed her eyes and sobbed, feeling the bile rise in her throat, mankind’s eternal enemy, the mind, manifesting itself as this unbearable pain, “I’m sorry.”

She felt his hand warm against her cheek, felt his weight shift as he pulled her down to him, “Don’t apologise,” he said softly, “I never should have neglected you like that, you tried to get me to open up, but I’m a stubborn old fool.” He gave a small, mirthless laugh, “You know Hosea was the only one I could be that honest with?”

She didn’t respond, just opened her eyes to look down at him, his mysterious, dark eyes that she had fallen so easily in love with, taken in by his warmth and strength. 

He kissed her softly and when he pulled away explained, “I haven’t been myself of late, I think the tram crash did more damage than I’d care to admit… I, I am the one who should be sorry, I will do better I promise.” He kissed her again, arms snaking round her. 

In so many ways it was like a trap, she believed him, he believed him. His words were not lies, just love, honesty in such a rare moment like the passing of a comet across the sky. But a comet passing is a rare phenomena that can last a few days once every 80 years or so. His words were not lies, he fully intended to let the past die, but Dutch was not as strong as he thought he was.

And so they had several weeks of peace, she had always known it was too good to be true, but ever the optimist, she told herself to live in the moment. There things the gang were involved in now, they were so close to reaching their goal of leaving for Tahiti, but like a house of cards, she knew it was only one mistake for the whole thing to come crashing down around them. And so she enjoyed Dutch’s company once more, sat on his lap as he read to her, he spanked her again, kissed her, bought her a new book, told her he loved her more than once a day. The book he had bought her was The Picture of Dorian Grey, by Oscar Wilde, how appropriate she had reflected later in life, almost farcical. 

He made a vow that he would try harder with her, try something new in the bedroom to rekindle their love and make them feel close again. Only this in itself was a lie, Dutch van der Linde wasn’t going to suggest something that was all for her, to worship her and shower her with love.

Dutch was going to suggest something designed to give him more pleasure, and more than that, it was a sadist act, to assert his dominance over her after what Javier had done. Dutch didn’t blame her or Javier, no, that was true, but he felt she was tainted now, somehow ruined. The cracks born of jealousy were beginning to show. 

But he wanted the connection they once had to be mended. It was like a tapestry dictating a long tale, there would be good times and bad, occasionally threads came loose. 

“How about we try something different tonight?” He drawled across the tent at her.

“Different, what like?” She sat up, propping herself up on her elbow. Before Dutch spoke she had been daydreaming, ashamed to admit it was the thought of Javier’s lips that was making her blush and grin in the dark. But the moment Dutch spoke, she banished the thought. 

“Like…” It was clear from the tone of voice he knew exactly what it was he wanted, though he seemed nervous to say it. He came at her with those predator eyes and sat in between her legs, pinning her waist down with his own weight.

“She could almost hear a slur in his voice, whilst Dutch enjoyed drinking whiskey, he wasn’t one for getting drunk, it was one of his finest qualities. But tonight, the slur should have been a warning to put a stop to the chaos that was about to unfurl like a fern deep in the woods, quick, the kind of plant that could take two forms in the space of a day. But how was she to know?

“Okay Dutch, what kinda position….” Isla was game, always for him, determined to prove herself, her legs always ready to spread for him. 

“I ain’t talking about position as such…”

She could sense he had been nervous, that was strange for Dutch, it took a moment but she realised what he meant. That was why he had been drinking. 

She had quivered under him in anticipation, “Oh….” the way she breathed was enough for him to want to rip the clothes from her.

“It’s okay, it’ll be okay, I just gotta get you ready is all,” he reassured her. 

She blushed, “Okay…I trust you.”

Dutch could have asked for anything, a threesome with her and Arthur, her and Sadie, he could have asked her to watch her and Javier fuck, she’d have said yes. She vied for his attention, needing that like the air she breathed, needing it the way she needed water. 

He grabbed some oil from the bedside table, he had parted her legs so gently, going against the throbbing of his groin. He placed a finger at her lower entrance and then slipped it inside her. 

“Ahhh,” she let a slow soft moan escape as he pushed through the wall of muscle. She felt herself relax, he pushed a further finger into her and then pumped in and out a few times before adding a third.

Dutch bent down and kissed her tenderly, the taste of whiskey still fresh on his lips. the anticipation she felt reminded her of the first time they made love, her hands reached up to his face as he tasted her hips. When they parted she noticed she was shaking, but Dutch’s voice soothed her just as it always did. 

“Dutch, I think I’m ready now,” when she spoke her voice had quivered so, in a manner which told her lover she wasn’t quite ready.

Dutch unbuckled his belt and let his trousers drop to the floor, he positioned himself by her.

She gasped, even though she knew how big he was, this was different. He lubed up his member with the oil and pulled at himself a few times making sure he was nice and hard. 

He thrust into her slowly, “That okay?”

She bit her lip not nodded. Her eyes watered, she clenched her fists in the bedsheet, bit down on her lip. She closed her eyes and imagined it was Javier, he wasn’t quite as thick as Dutch, but he was longer. 

“Look at me,” Dutch grunted.

She didn’t comply, in that moment she was so lost in thought, lost in the pain that her eyes didn’t open. That had been her biggest mistake, she had been with Dutch for long enough to know that when he asked for something, you had to do it, save hurting his pride and causing suspicion. 

“Look at me!” This time Dutch barked so loudly that her eyes flew open. 

“You’re thinking about him aren’t you?” Dutch sneered as he thrust into her. It was as if a switch had been flicked in his mind, he had gone from being the loving Dutch she had fallen so easily for, to a monster in a matter of seconds. 

“No, no, never!’ She lied, suddenly panicked. How could this man who claimed to love her have gone from a moment of tender preparation and kisses to this beast in front of her.

He was every part the wolf from her nightmares now. 

“Don’t lie to me!” He barked as he continued to fuck her harder. 

She shook her head, thrashing her arms as she did so, “Please believe me,” she let out a moan as he thrust into her again, she hated herself for it, for enjoying the pleasure at the same time as being so angry with him. 

Dutch looked hungrily at her and continued at the same pace, “Didn’t I tell you not to lie girl,” he spat, his hands now going to her throat. She had loved to be choked by him, loved it when his fingers laced around her neck, but this was different, the pressure was increased.

“I’m not a girl, I’m a God damn woman, and you will treat me as such,” she choked. 

He raised his hand to her and for a moment she believed he would strike her, “Dutch my love, please!” She screamed, panicked. 

He held his hand above her, not striking. Dutch had vowed never to hurt a woman, though that had changed in Blackwater. He had never raised a fist to a woman he loved, he remembered that then. But didn’t lower his hand all the same. 

She saw light as the flap of the tent opened, Javier entered with Arthur stood behind.

“Dutch!” Javier shouted.

Dutch turned to the side, he lowered his hand, her cheeks burnt with shame. A sly, wicked smile spread across Dutch’s face as he thrust into her hard again, not breaking eye contact with Javier. Dutch continued to fuck her as the others stood in disbelief. 

“Go, please, I don’t want you to see me like this,” she pleaded with them both.

“Are you okay Isla?” Javier asked.

She nodded, lying once again and through tears she spoke, “Go, I beg you.”

Javier and Arthur, though reluctant, bowed, “We’ll be stood right outside, don’t you dare hurt her,” Arthur said, clearly disgusted. 

She was glad that they had come into the tent in a way, glad that they were there incase anything happened. She was also glad that they didn’t hang around, that they didn’t intervene anymore, this was between her and Dutch. 

When Dutch had finished and spilt his seed into her, he had removed himself, showing her no after-care, giving her no kisses or reassurance. He didn’t help her clean up. After she had dressed herself she approached him. He was sat at the end of the cot, reading a book, acting like nothing had happened. 

She slapped him hard across his left cheek, “Fuck you Dutch van der Linde, this was supposed to mend us…but you fucked it up, again!” She pulled her skirts down and stormed out of the tent, past Arthur and Javier.

She knew then, that there were many things in life that could be fixed with love, this wasn’t one of them. Their relationship was too broken to save, but she had come such a long way with him

She caught Javier’s eye as she left the tent and he followed her to the camp edge, held her while she cried.

“Should I leave him Javier?” 

Javier sighed, “I think you’d break him, you know he loves you…but, if he raises a hand to you again.”

“I know,” but as she spoke the words, she wasn’t sure what it was she knew anymore. As a child she had been so certain of herself, believed that life, like fairy tales was all happy endings, that she would meet a guide, a fairy godmother of sorts and that things would become clear. But they very rarely were, the older she became, the mirkier the water. 

If she thought that it was only now in Beaver Hollow that their relationship was ruined, she was lying to herself. She recalled a time back in Clemens Point, after the first miscarriage when she broke for the first time.

“Look at me! Look at me,” She’d cried, stood up to her waist in water. Stood in the lake, fish swimming round her, her skin orange from the setting sun. A shiver had shot up her spine like a lighting rod, more than once this happened but she refused to move. Barefoot. Broken. Unforgiving. She stood in the sand, stones and sediment, waited for her love to rescue her.

“What in the hell are you doing woman?” Dutch shouted, he hadn’t sounded angry, not exactly. More confused. Dutch cared, she knew that, she knew he was capable of love, she knew this when she watched him from afar studying blue jays, talking to the dog Cain that Jack was so enamoured with. It was in the way he kissed her, even if it was missing from his speech. 

“I need you to look at me!” She had screamed through tears.

Dutch didn’t care that the rest of the camp would hear, that they were undoubtedly watching, for the first time. Dutch didn’t have a plan. 

In the end he had wadded out into the water, collected her in his arms, wet skirts and all. Carried her to the safety of their tent, ordered Miss Grimshaw to run a bath for her. He had watched her through the night, carried her through her fever. 

In the middle of her fever, she had been muttering, repeating the same things over and over, “Daddy look after me, don’t let me die…” later when the fever broke, “I was supposed to be someone,” she cried. 

Dutch hadn’t left her side the night of the fever. He recalled this moment as he sat in his tent in Beaver Hollow, sat with the shame at having nearly hit her, sat with the horror of what he had done in front of Arthur, a man he called son, in front of Javier, the man he could so easily loose her too.

He put his head in his hands and wept, “Oh mother what have I become,” he muttered to himself. Appalled at his own behaviour, he recalled another not so pleasant memory that haunted him. 

There had been another night, in Shady Belle, during a storm, after a plan hadn’t gone the way it was supposed to. There was one horrid night, the air was thick with electricity and spirits were high for all the wrong reasons. The camp was swamped with mud. Rage encircled the camp like a hyena circling it’s prey. And at the centre of the circle, there she was, innocence and solitude. 

“Isla are you coming to bed?” But the way Dutch spoke, it wasn’t a question, more of a demand, she knew that.

She was the last one by the campfire, the others were slowly drifting, but she found herself unable to move away from the warmth of the burning embers. Dutch’s voice behind her, like an angry fire god, demanding more of her than she was able to give. So much of her life had been snuffed out by him, a fire smothered of oxygen, that when she looked at her skin, all she imagined were ashes about to be scattered in the wind. 

“Did you hear me?” He asked, his voice raised now

“I heard you Dutch, I’ll be there, soon.” Her voice was void of all emotion.

She heard him stomp off, purposefully making a lot of noice as he went, muttering, not so silently under his breath about how unwieldily she’d become. 

Reluctantly she stood up, she looked to where Javier and Charles were sleeping and imagined how nice it would be instead to curl up in between the two of them. How much safer and loved she would feel by the two men who had become such dear friends. 

She walked to her and Dutch’s tent, inhaled and exhaled deeply before stepping inside and clenched her fists at her side, determined to confront Dutch about what had been bothering her so greatly. 

When she entered the tent, he didn’t look up from his book, just continued to read as if she were invisible. This was how it had been for such a long time, on and off. There were times despite the fact that they slept in the same cot, that she doubted whether he loved her, that she wasn’t even sure if they were together anymore. 

She sighed, resigned to the fact that this was her life now, yet, not wiling to give up hope, “Dutch, you can talk to me. I just want to know what’s going on inside that head of yours, I can help you know.”

Silence. It was the silence that killed her.

“Will you not say anything? Not even have the curtesy to look at me?”

And oh how Dutch had wanted to, his hands were trembling as he held tightly to the book, fingernails digging into the leather with anger, not at her but at himself. How had it gotten to this? To the point where he could no longer open up to the woman he loved? What had happened to him, to them? Their relationship was on the same convoluted and tragic path that the gang appeared to be on, round and round it goes. The cycle was breaking him.

“Please Dutch I can help!” She cried this time and stomped her feet on the ground.

Silence. And that was when she broke, the weeks, months of letting it go. 

“You don’t touch me anymore,” she had said without warning, stood defiantly, fists still clenched at her sides. 

Dutch didn’t look up from his book, but she gathered from his expression that he was no longer reading, of course he was listening. There was almost a slight smirk on his face which suggested he was going to enjoy this, he enjoyed acting, playing a part. Of course she had learnt this in the early days, Dutch was a man who played up to an audience. He would act smarter than he was, ever vigilant with appearing like the perfect leader, despite his ever more obvious flaws. 

“Dutch will you look at me?” She screamed. 

Again, silence, acting, nothing inside the tent moved.

She took a step forward, “Really, this is what you’re going to do to me? I thought you loved me,” she spat. 

She was determined not to lose her cool in front of him, to give him the satisfaction of seeing how much he had damaged her, moulded her into what he wanted her to be. 

She marched across the tent to him, grabbed the book from his hands and in that moment it took any remaining restraint she had not to slap him across the face with it, instead she slammed the book down on the cot beside him.

“You’re a fucking pig Dutch van der linde you know that? A fucking pig,” she screamed now, tears in her eyes. 

There had been a time when she had told herself she was strong, that she would remain strong no matter what and that she would never let him see this side of her, never let him witness the doubt. She reserved her tears for when she was alone, or for when she was confiding in Arthur, Javier, Charles or Mary-Beth. They were her go-to’s, they were her support network. 

She had promised herself that just as Dutch played a part, she too would play a part of dutiful partner, she wouldn’t let the cracks show and break in front of him like a china doll. 

But the rage had consumed her, she was unable to escape it in that moment, just how sly and pleased with himself he looked, did he not love her at all?

“I hate you,” she said through gritted teeth, “You think you’re so fucking special don’t you, this great leader, you’re a fraud you know that? Half your plans are shit, you don’t care about others, all you care about is yourself and I see you, I see you Dutch van der Linde, I see you and into you and through you and I know your secrets you know that?”

She paused then, shocked at her own admissions to him, she took a deep breath and waited for the inevitable barrage of abuse to tumble from his mouth. 

Dutch. Lost for words. Dutch, silent. Dutch in a rage with himself did the one thing he never wanted to do, “You? You couldn’t even give me a damn son!” He snapped, like a crocodile’s jaws round young prey, the damage was done. No matter how wide he opened his jaw afterwards to apologise, to blame the booze, to blame everyone but himself.

She’d stopped talking, stopped moving, stopped breathing. He had followed suite. Until the day he died, he would never be able to forgive himself for allowing those words to tumble from his mouth. And so easily, so readily, so stressed.

It was one of the few times she had backed away from him, left his tent for the night and sought comfort in the arms of another man. It wasn’t for sexual gratification, neither herself, nor Arthur would have done that to Dutch. But she couldn’t bare to look at him, instead she went to Arthur’s cot and slid behind him, pulling the blankets up around her neck and crying into the small of his back until sleep took her.

“Listen…I’m sorry. I’m sorry okay.” He repeated the words in a way that made her feel this was how he was dealing with the situation, the gravity of what he had said, the more times he repeated himself the more he could believe it. 

“I don’t know what came over me, I’ve been under a lot of stress. I never should have said those words to you, been so cruel. It wasn’t your fault, how could it be, my princess, my jewel in the crown of his camp. You are everything to me, I love you, forgive me?” Dutch had begged her forgiveness, and of course she accepted his apology. Of course she jumped into his arms and pretended nothing had happened. Of course she had known he must have written the words he spoke to her down, he must have practised them at least several times. 

But. But she had believed him, she knew despite the rehearsal the words were true. Maybe it had been her own ignorance of the situation, but there had been another change in him which she hadn’t really noticed at first, perhaps because she knew so little of what happened. She knew there had been an accident involving a tram, Arthur and Lenny had reported that Dutch had hit his head pretty bad. She realised then, almost in horror that the worst stuff had been after that, not just after Hosea died. 

Guilt trickling down her throat, a moment where she believed she had fucked up. The hands of time could not be turned back, she was not able to undo what she or Dutch had done to one another. 

After his apology, after it had sunk in, she had dropped to the floor by his feet and buried her head in his lap, she looked up to him with the same admiration and love he had seen on their first day meeting.

“Dutch, why don’t you open up to me like you used to?” 

The question, clearly had caught him off guard, “Isla I…”

She pressed on, “We’re meant to be in a partnership right? You and I against the world? So you can tell me anything, you could have told me anything before…If you were struggling,” she felt herself welling up inside as she spoke. “I asked you before to talk to me, that you weren’t alone in this,” she reached up to his face and brushed away the tears on his cheek.

He didn’t reply but offered a weak smile, one that told her how much he loved her, “Come here,” he spoke softly, she complied, as always, raised herself higher, taller then slid down onto his lap like the old days.

“My girl,” he stroked her hair as he spoke, “Always my girl, we’ll be alright won’t we darlin’?” 

She nodded, “Yes Dutch, I love you,” and when their lips met, all was forgiven, just like that. 

And so this is how they were, backwards and forward with their words, their arguments, each staking their claim to the violent world they inhabited. There had been so many beautiful moments of tender love and forgiveness, of genuine care and hope… But all of these memories were fragile now, so easily shattered by the unbearable truth. 

They spoke of marriage once, after the second miscarriage. But after that fateful date, after the storm which had destroyed the final hope she had, she declined his offer.

“For I’m not worthy of you,” and he had touched her face, stroked her cheek, “What if you meet another woman, someone capable of giving you all of them?”

The smile he had given her then had been one of the saddest she had known, “But, my love, you have, you have given me your all,” his kisses peppered her knuckles, it was the deepest sorrow she had ever known. 

On the mountain, at the end of days as Arthur laid dying, a part of her died with him. She suspected the same went for Dutch, though he never mentioned it. At the end of days, she went with Dutch. Part of her reason for siding that way was Javier, she didn’t hate Arthur, John, Charles or Sadie… She didn’t hate those who left early, in a way she had been jealous of them. For the freedom they gained. But herself and Javier, maybe they stayed with Dutch because of one another.

Shortly after, she saw Javier for the last time. She broke. There was love in his eyes, Dutch had barely tried to keep the remaining members of the gang together. He became hollow, a shell of the man he was before. Isla knew that as he watched Arthur, the man he called son, slip away into the afterworld, a part of Dutch had died too.

Regret, Dutch would confess years later, he regretted so much, his pride had cost him his family and all his dreams. 

Javier had left for Mexico in the end, the calling of his home country too much for him to ignore anymore. He had asked her to go with him, she had smiled sadly, as was common when she was around him, “Goodbye Javier.”

Their lips had met one last time, Dutch had watched from afar but had no strength in him to say anything or try to stop them. Javier’s lips were soft, the kiss hungry as he pulled her into a tight embrace.

“You look after yourself, you know,” Javier stopped pulled away for a moment, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, “The thought of you, was what kept me going in Guarma, when they tortured me, I thought of that smile of yours in the pale moon light.”

Isla had looked at the ground, conflicted and torn, Javier took her chin and gently tilted it so she was looking at him again, “Don’t be afraid,” he looked over at Dutch, “He’ll look after you, and if he doesn’t Mi amor, you can always join me later…” Wordless, she had kissed him again, pulled him into her arms and held him tight, afraid of the chill that would replace where he had stood when he left. 

After that, her and Dutch had lived a simple life on a small homestead, mostly keeping out of trouble, she had worked as a bounty hunter and sold meat and pelts to trappers. Every time she felt any hint of regret creep into her mind, she pushed it away, dotting on her old man, simple kisses and what love was felt keeping her afloat. 

There was one evening, sat outside in the dying light of day that Dutch had turned to her, his hand on hers, “Why didn’t you leave with him?”

“Huh?” The question had caught her so off-guard she didn’t know what he was referring to at first. 

“Javier, you could have gone with him, I know how close you were,” he seemed much older then, in the dusky blue and pink light, the spark inside him had finally gone out. 

She leaned in and kissed his cheek, “Because he wasn’t you, because I made a promise to look after you, and I intend to keep that promise.” 

And she did, they rarely slept together but on occasion would be close. He spent most of his time reading, occasionally reading to her, occasionally brushing her hair, occasionally apologising for the things that were but could not be changed. 

She slept with John once, in the aftermath of it all, whilst Abigail and Jack were away, she found him and with him Charles and Uncle. It had been nice to see the others again, they didn’t speak of Dutch, she was sure John would want revenge and so she only stayed the one night, after they’d all been drinking. She’d spent the night with them reminiscing over old times and John had taken her into his bed, in the home he had built for Abigail. 

On a mountain for a second time, with John, as he pointed the gun at Dutch, ready to end a miserable life, Isla had to step in. Despite her wanting it all to be over, the love she had had for him, it knew no bounds. 

“John please!” She begged through tears.

She turned to Dutch, her old man looked so frail, so helpless. Wrinkles, grey hair, a world away from his glory days 

“I had a plan…” Dutch spoke.

She shook her head, “No silly, you didn’t, no more plans, no more,” she struggled to talk, to breathe as both anxiety and pain ripped her apart.

She turned back to John, stared down the barrel of his gun, “My friend, my brother, I love you, I love you and I know, I know why you’re here. Hell if I were you, I would do the same, but please, please don’t take him from me.” She fell to her knees in front of Dutch and John, sobbing into her skirts, “He’s all I have. Don’t save him for him, save him for me, spare his life and I promise, I promise you’ll never see either of us again.”

And John had relented, for a moment he had lowered his weapon, unsure of the path he would take. For Dutch, for the sake of old times but more for the sake of her, he lowered his weapon. He felt he would hate himself until the end of days for it, but he had Abigail, he had Jack, Charles, Sadie, Uncle… He had his family. Due to Dutch’s relentless ego, she was left with nothing, apart from his love. 

John witnessed Dutch cry, witnessed the broken man fall to his knees beside her and cradle her. 

“She deserves so much better than you!” John spat, “Arthur deserved better than you, we all did!”

Dutch had looked up, “I tried, I really did.”

“I know,” John found he couldn’t look him in the eye when he said that. 

Dutch turned to Isla, her cold hands in his own, “Why, why didn’t you let him finish me off? You could have gone with him, lived a good life…”

“Because I love you, you stupid fool,” she sobbed into his shoulder.

“Even after all this time?”

“Especially after all this time.”

“You were the only one who believed in me.”

“Not true, they all did.”

Dutch slowly got to his knees, smiled sadly at John and then looked back down at Isla. 

“Isla, I love you, I always have, I will always will.”

All of her tears, all of her fighting, her last stand, her very soul couldn’t save him in that moment.

“Look after her for me John!” Dutch shouted as he took a step back.

She watched helplessly as Dutch took another step backwards, finally stepping off the mountain ledge, he looked so old to her then, so frail. He didn’t turn to face his destiny, he welcomed it with open arms.

Love dripped from her, melancholia that would haunt her till her dying breath, embraced her then in that moment. Icy fingers held her steady, against her very nature, she wanted to jump up, run to him, hold him back, grab his hand. The final fight he put up was one she knew she couldn’t compete with. Letting go was the hardest lesson she had to turn. Flash backs of the years of happiness, flooded her senses like a hot summer’s day in a meadow full of daises.

The saddest thing, then, was as he stepped off the mountain his face changed, muscles relaxed, a weary smile of a father ready to meet his son once again. A man beaten by himself. A man who in his final moments became what he once was, passionate, yet soft, unyielding against the relentless tide of a cruel world.

 John ran forwards, had to hold her back, his arms holding her steady against the beating of her heart, her wings so desperate to fly against this violent act.

Dutch had been there for her for most of her life, she had left her home, her family to start a new life. A new life that never got a chance to be born, for Dutch had swept her off her feet before she had a chance. But she hadn’t minded, despite any doubt, she didn’t regret the life she’d lived with him.

John and Isla, too stunned to talk, sat in the snow as the wild wind tore past them. Though both unbearably cold, neither had it in them to move for a moment. John had slummed to Isla’s side, wrapped his arms around her and that was where they stayed, relishing in one another’s warmth for the moment. Neither strong enough to stand up and look over the mountain edge.

When they finally stood, they did it together, arms wrapped around one another’s waists, the tears had taken any energy left in them. The pain to raw to even begin to comprehend. They walked slowly to the base of the mountain, the second she laid eyes on Dutch’s body, blood splattered like a Rorschach around him, she sunk to her knees once again, her breaths were short as panic took control of her. 

“Hey, hey,” John was there, rubbing her back gently but keeping enough distance for her to breathe. 

“I don’t know what to do John…I can’t just leave him like that, look at him…” she looked up across the snow at the still body of the man she had loved more than anything. How peaceful he now looked. 

“We won’t leave him sweetheart, we’ll take him home, give him a burial,” he knew his words were hollow in comparison to what she was feeling. 

In a way to John, Dutch’s death had been easy, had he of pulled the trigger he might have found it hard to live with himself, had he and Isla gotten away, well that too may have had similar consequences. In a way, this was the perfect ending to an already tragic tale.

Isla got to her feet and nodded to John, slowly, taking baby steps she walked towards Dutch. She was visibly shaking as she went, for a moment the tears had stopped but her cheeks were still damp, she tasted the salt on her lips and felt thirsty. But any need for her wellbeing was overridden by the sight in front of her eyes. 

She let out an almighty cry as she reached Dutch’s side, the sight of her poor frail old man, the man whom she would have married if the branches of life’s great oak tree had grown in other directions. 

“Isla,” John spoke softly.

She didn’t respond, she dropped to her knees beside him, cradled Dutch in her arms, “You stupid fool,” and all the tears that flowed splashed on his face, cold yes, but some warmth remained in him still. She gripped his shoulders, hoping if she squeezed tight enough, the pain might wake him from his slumber.

In Dutch’s death, the birds that had been caged for so long in her ribcage, burst free, she watched them fly until they disappeared beyond the horizon, into the nexus.

She buried her head into his chest, all those years, all those years she had wished for an escape, had wished she could re-write history and give her fairytale of running away a happy ending. But staring into Dutch’s still eyes, seeing how the light had faded so fast, her heart shattered. 

Until that moment she had had hope, it was hope beyond hope, a fools hope… That one day the remaining members of the gang would reunite, Dutch would redeem himself further, Micah’s death had been the start, but there was so much more he could have done. Up until that moment she had never really allowed herself to grieve over the loss of Arthur or the fact that Javier had left her, she didn’t grieve because Dutch didn’t, at least not openly or often.

Dutch had cried when they were alone, she had stroked his damp hair from his weathered face, had told him that his son was asleep now, no harm could come to Arthur, that Javier was free. That they were all free and could live a simple life, no more pain. And for the most part she had been right, Dutch would never get over the events that led to the gangs demise, would never stop criticising every decision he made. 

Isla would try to help, try to reassure him, even when she knew the words she spoke were lies, she couldn’t bare to inflict any further pain on an already troubled man. 

She wept now into his chest, her arms cradling him as she had once cradled that dead sparrow. There was a sorrow so deep that no one word could surmise how she felt, but it was a sorrow for what could have been, now in his death there would be no more plans, no light shining at dawn to give her new hope for the two of them. The road she had embarked on long ago when she boarded that ship, only 19,  so young to the world, so excited for what could be, she knew as she pressed her ear to his chest, to be comforted only by emptiness, she was at the end. A middle-aged woman staring now into the precipice, a life well lived for the most part, utterly lost, she was 19 again. 

She didn’t hear John’s footsteps approach her, but his voice broke her from her melancholy,  “Why don’t you come back with me to Beecher’s Hope for now? Charles would be happy to see you, Uncle too.”

She offered a sad smile, “What about Abigail?”

“Abigail don’t need to know what happened between us.”

“I’d feel too awkward…”

“Don’t be silly, come back with us for a few days at least and decide where you want to go from there. You can stay with me if you like, or we’ll see you right so you can go start your own adventure,” he paused, “Javier is still in Mexico, I think… I know how much you wanted to go there one day and,” he paused again watching his friend kiss her dead lover’s forehead, wondering whether or not this was an appropriate thing to say, “I know how close you two were.”

She gave a mirthless laugh, “Really, the love of my life is still warm in my arms and you’re talking bout me running away across the border to find another lover.” She sighed.

“That’s not what I…” John had tried, he knew he wasn’t a poet like Charles or even like Arthur had been.

He retreated for a moment, wanting to leave her to grieve in private, staring up at the sky, watching the crows, watching the vultures circle, he hoped he had done enough, that he had and would do good by her. As Isla got to her feet, John thought of Arthur, he hoped that his brother would be proud. 

When they were both ready, when there was nothing left to do but say goodbye, Isla helped John lift Dutch’s body up onto her horse. The two of them rode in silence back to Beecher’s Hope. She spent several days there, happy to see the others, to eat alongside her old friends and see how much Jack had grown. 

Charles especially had warmed her heart, both sharing a long hug that seemed to go on forever. Afterwards they sat on the floor by the fireplace her head rested on his shoulder as she discussed her plans for the future with him, he listened intently, gave advice when she asked for it, let her know he would always be her friend if she needed anything. Losing Dutch had been the hardest thing she had ever known, but in the shadow of that dark day, her rekindled friendship with John and Charles, the reassurance from them both, the knowledge that she had a home if she needed it. That had been her reasoning for carrying on. 

John, Charles and Isla dug a grave for Dutch and buried him there in the morning, “So that he may live on throughout the day,” Isla said. Those were the only words she spoke at his burial, she didn’t cry, the time for grief had long passed. For it wasn’t just Dutch she was grieving for, it was for Arthur, for the others, for herself and her innocence lost. For her life that could have been, for the children they could have had. 

She laid carnations on the grave and placed a kiss to the cross Charles had made, “Goodbye my love. Now you take good care of Arthur.”

When it was done, she’d been embraced by John and Charles, the three of them stood in silence as Abigail watched from the porch, a sad smile on her face as she considered how lucky she had been in comparison to others she loved. 

She decided to leave for Mexico in the end, the allure of Javier after all these years, too much. Whilst she was glad she hadn’t left with him all those years ago, it seemed fruitless now to deny what was in her heart or for the craving of flesh that plagued her mind. 

The following day she sat with John on the porch, “I’ve decided to leave for Mexico,” she said matter of factly. There was no use denying the feeling she still harboured for Javier, or the fact that she no longer had a life here now Dutch was gone.

John had nodded as he sipped his coffee, there was something he needed to tell her if she was going to pursue his old friend, “Isla… I saw Javier, not that long ago. I know where he was.”

She looked across at him, “Where he was?”

He sighed and placed his coffee down, he turned to her and took her hands in his, “I was sent to track him down, to hand him over, dead or alive.”

The world stopped for her then, “But you said, you were the one who was encouraging me moment’s after Dutch threw himself off a fucking mountain to pursue him!” She snatched her hands away from John as she saw red, unable to comprehend what he was saying.

“Listen,” John continued, “I didn’t okay…I, it’s a really long story. but I saw him, we spoke, I couldn’t do it, couldn’t pull the trigger, but to hand him over and not let him die a free man…I let him go, I told the authorities where he was the had to figure out my own shit a different way. But the last thing I heard he was still alive.”

She felt the tears in his eyes, a sob waiting to come out but instead she buried her head in her hands and gave a muffled cry, so he was likely alive after-all. 

John placed his hand on her shoulder, this time she didn’t pull away, but sat up, face red, stained with tears and threw her arms around his neck, “John… I, promise me, promise me if things don’t work out, if I can’t find him, I can come back here.”

“I told you,” he soothed, “Abigail and I, we’ll always have a bed for you here.”

She sat back and nodded, trying to compose herself, she knew she was acting erratic and needed to take a moment to breathe. She stared up at the moon, contemplated it’s beauty, the moon was a woman, a goddess and a goddess was what she had been to Dutch. But that’s how it always worked with gods in love, near impossible to live side by side in peace. The comparison made her smile, yes, they had been two great gods at the heart of something larger than either could understand. The turning of the world, as sure as the tide and the seasons, they had fought, battled on against a world that had no place for them anymore, a world that didn’t want them.

“Don’t you see John,” she smiled, “We did it, even though we failed, we fought against a world that had no place for us and for a moment, they were afraid of her,” she gave a small laugh, “For a moment we won, we earned our place in the history books, don’t yah think?”

John could only smile sadly, her words too much to comprehend in a single moment, all that was left to say was, “Arthur’d be so proud of you.”

“And you...”

The following morning she packed up her horse, said her goodbyes to the others before John walked her out to see her off.

He couldn’t promise her that Javier would be waiting, that his revolutionary heart was even still beating. But he told her where he’d last seen him, told her the likely places he would have traveled to. And so Isla left with hope, John had at least given her that. Besides, there was nothing left for her in America anymore, as the sun set she said her silent goodbyes to Dutch and Arthur, reflected on the fairy tale she had woven to make it easier to swallow a bitter truth. 

And so we battle on, against the raging of the storm, love, love could never be consumed by something so fickle as the weather, something so bereft of heart and fleeting.

As she rode across the desert she was born again, returning to a transcendental state, one that she had known a long time ago, a 19 year old girl full of hope sailing across the Pacific Ocean dreaming of an adventure. 

[krreader]

forever together.

pairing: min yoongi x reader fandom: bts warnings: teenage pregnancy ; unwanted pregnancy ; mentions of abortion ; language  genre: angst ; fluff

summary: you thought the beginning was hard, but at least back then, you still had a husband you could rely on.

a/n: I almost didn’t give this one a happy ending, but then I was like: ‘people are going to kill me and I will have to write a part 2. but I actually really don’t have time for a part 2′ so I guess thank you university, you are the reason people get a happy ending for this story hahaha. I hope you like this, I actually really enjoyed writing it and I kinda like the outcome so.. yeah! enjoy!

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Having a baby when you're young is hard. Having a baby when you don’t have a degree, money or any kind of other support from anyone else is even harder.

Well, there was one that supported you..

Yoongi and you hadn't been together for too long when it had happened, maybe four months.

Four months and one stupid night that the condom ripped and you were both too stupid to think it wouldn't have consequences. Because let's be real, how often did pregnancies because of a ripped condom actually happen in real life?

Well, maybe you should have looked up a statistic, because two months later, you found yourself crying in the doctors office, Yoongi sitting next to you as he stared at the monitor where a small baby was currently moving around.

His baby. Your baby.

You both knew that the only two options you had were getting rid of it or raising it. It was either all or nothing.

Your families would be furious and you also knew that the possibility of them not supporting you in any way would be high, especially because you knew you would have to drop out of school to have the baby. You would not have a degree, you would not go to college, while Yoongi probably had to drop out as well if he wanted to earn money and support you two.

Truth be told, everything screamed to get rid of the baby.

Everything but that ultrasound picture Yoongi had been holding in his fingers as your head was resting on his shoulder.

“Everyone around us is telling us to get rid of it..”

“I know,” you had said, your voice laced with sadness as you thought back to the conversation you’ve had with your guidance councilor earlier that day.

She had straight up told you to get an abortion because your education was more important than a baby you wouldn’t be able to raise anyways. However this decision wasn't as easy as just 'getting rid of it and then it's done'. This decision would change your life forever, no matter what you'd do. Keep it and you’d be a mother. Get rid of it, you’d probably always be plagued with guilt.

“But.. there is this audition next month for an idol company.. if I could get in there.. if I could become an idol, I could easily support us. The three of us.”

There was the next problem. His dream of becoming a producer. His dream of becoming a rapper. His dream of making it big in the music industry and sharing his music with the world.

You had slowly sat up straight, Yoongi turning his head right away, “If you become an idol.. then there is going to be a point where me and the baby will become a burden, Yoongi. Maybe you'll even leave us when you actually do make it big..”

“Hey, stop this,” he put his hand on your cheek and turned your head back to look at him when you wanted to look away, “I will never leave you. You hear me? Never!”

“Maybe you should.. I'm the one that's pregnant after all, not you. We still haven't told our parents so.. they don't have to know about this baby. That it’s yours, I mean..”

“You think I'm just going to leave you, even though you're pregnant with my child? I'm young and I'm definitely not mature enough to be a dad, but I'm owning up to it. I would never leave you,” and to make it more clear to you that he actually meant every word he had said, he had come up with a glorious plan that also made the decision on what to do regarding the baby an easier one, “Come on.. let's go to the mall.”

“Why?”

But he had simply pulled you up with him and had walked with you hand in hand to the mall, walking into a jewelry store that looked way too expensive for two teenagers.

The employee had seemed to think so as well, looking Yoongi up and down, before he approached you with a fake smile.

“Can I help you?”

“Uh.. yeah.. what's the cheapest ring you have?”

“What are you doing?” you had asked with furrowed eyebrows as he had followed the employee, showing him the cheapest ring they had to offer (which was still fucking expensive, to be honest).

However, Yoongi had saved a bit of money. Initially he had wanted to spend it on music equipment but he knew that from now on he needed to put other things first. Other people..

..starting with you.

“No, Yoongi, this is too expensive..”

“Here,” he handed the employee the money with a small smile, before he got down on one knee without thinking twice about it, the entire store going absolutely mental over how cute it was, “I'm not going to leave you, (Y/N). Instead, I'm going to marry you. And I don't care what the rest of the world says, I want to be the father of your baby, of our baby.. and your husband,” he grabbed your right hand with a small smile, suddenly becoming a bit bashful, “So, I guess what I’m trying to say is, do you..-”

“I do,” you said before he could even finish the sentence, having made your decision the second he had dropped to his knee.

It would be hard, but it would be worth it. You just knew it.

All of that was almost seven years ago now.

Seven years ago since Min Yoongi, a teenager who had no money, no influence and no idea of what he was doing in life, proposed to the girl he had accidentally knocked up, because he hadn’t wanted her to be alone.

Seven years ago, since you, a teenager who, also, had no money, no support and not the faintest idea of what was required to be a mother, said yes to the guy that would be the father of her child, because despite all, she actually did fall in love with him.

And looking back at it, the problems you two had in the beginning were horrible.

Not only did you have parents that didn't support you, but you had no place to live anymore after they had thrown you out, no money and no idea on how you were supposed to raise a baby when having none of these things.

It was when you were almost due, that Yoongi managed to make it into BTS. And even if he wasn't big in the beginning, he at least managed to provide a roof over your heads.

And let me tell you, having the smallest apartment in the universe and having so many people share a room with each other, while a woman with an infant was living there as well was not cool at all.

The boys were surprisingly chill about it, they actually loved your daughter and even the BigHit staff did. True, they hadn't been too excited when they had found out that Yoongi had been hiding a secret wife and kid from them, but your little bean was an angel and she managed to charm them all in the end.

Nowadays, the struggles you were having wasn't about money anymore. It wasn't your living situation anymore and it wasn't your non-existing parenting knowledge that worried you.

It was the fact that with BTS' gaining popularity, you, nor your daughter, had seen Yoongi for over a week. And this wasn’t the first time. This was happening more and more.

And while you could deal with it, Soojin was still a little girl. She didn't understand why her father didn't kiss her goodnight anymore. She didn't understand why he didn't wake her up anymore or why he didn't watch her favorite shows with her anymore. To her, it seemed like her father didn’t love her anymore. Like she had been bad and now he was punishing her..

And so after you had dropped her off at school, you had finally had enough and entered his studio unannounced.

Yoongi turned around, a surprised and worried look on his face, “Is Soojin okay?”

“Apart from the fact that she's been crying for five days straight because you haven't been at home once? Sure. Fantastic,” you crossed your arms in front of your chest.

“It's comeback time,” he turned back around to his computer, “I told you it's busy.”

“Yeah, but you have a kid waiting for you at home, Yoongi. Do you know what she does every single day? She sits in front of the door and waits for you to come home. And every time you don't, she ends up crying..”

He brushed his hands over his face, but quickly shook his head, trying not to think about his crying daughter and instead try to focus on what was in front of him.

“I'll try to come back soon, I promise,” but when he wanted to put his headphones back on, you completely lost it and grabbed them out of his head, nearly throwing them against the wall. Luckily, you had only hit the couch backrest and it had a soft landing.

“You've been promising things for the last month and you’ve never kept them! Not once! What about the performance she had at school that you missed because of comeback? What about the parents evening that you promised me you'd come with me, but didn't because of comeback? What about the fucking weekend trip you've promised Soojin for months, but didn't deliver, because of fucking comeback?”

“So you want to do this, huh?” fine, he had bottled up feelings too, if you wanted to scream at him, so could he, “Do I have to remind you who feeds you two? Who literally built everything for this family, so that you and our child can live comfortably?! Do I have to remind you that it was me that always made sure you and our daughter went to bed with a full stomach? And now this is what you say to me? That I'm the villain, because I'm working my ass off for this family?!” he had since gotten up, staring into your eyes as angrily as you stared into his.

“That's not the fucking point, Yoongi. The point is that you keep making our daughter promises that you can’t keep. That you're her hero, and yet you continuously let her down! She cries every fucking night, because you're not there with us. She cries every damn time I come and pick her up from school, because you're too busy playing superstar, while you have a wife and kid sitting at home waiting for you. She cries every time that I cry, because I can't do this fucking bullshit anymore,” you ended up sobbing halfway through, one hand at your waist while the other was rubbing over your forehead, “I told you this was going to happen.. I told you, one day you wouldn't want us anymore.”

Yoongi had been angry before, genuinely, but seeing you break down because of this.. because of him.. it made him hate himself. Because as much stress as he had, what he hated the most was not being able to be the father and husband you deserved. The father and husband he once used to be.

He knew he had once said he had to get his priorities straight, but now his priorities had shifted and you and his daughter were not his number one priority anymore.

And that broke his heart as much as it broke yours.

He wanted to reach out to you, touch you, comfort you and tell you how sorry he was, but the second he raised his hand, the door got opened and none other than the boss man himself walked in, who had decided that Yoongi should be a part of BTS.

“Yoongi, did you..- Oh. (Y/N).”

You turned your head to the side and quickly wiped away the tears, before you faked a smile at Bang, “Sorry. I didn't mean to distract him from his important work. I'll just get going.”

“(Y/N),” he tried to reason with you, but you had already grabbed your bag and walked back out, leaving a sighing Yoongi behind that fell back down onto his chair.

“What was that about?” Bang asked, concern clear in his voice.

“Remember when you once told me that there would be a day when I wouldn't be able to handle it anymore? Having a family and being an idol?” he turned his head and looked at the picture of you and his daughter on his desk, both of you smiling happily back at him, “That day has come.”

“Soojin.. dinner's ready,” no answer, “Soojin..,” again, no answer. So with an annoyed sigh, you walked into the living room, looking around for a bit before finding her where?

Exactly where you had expected her to be.

“Sweetheart, your father won't be coming home today.”

“But he promised, mommy. He promised when we talked on the phone earlier.”

Yeah, he's making a lot of promises these days. You doubted he’d keep this one.

“Come on, the food will turn cold, otherwise,” you walked over to her and wanted to pull her up, but that was the second that the door unexpectedly got opened and the one you had not thought to show up today really did show up.

“I KNEW IT!” Soojin beamed from ear to ear as she jumped into her father's arms, Yoongi immediately dropping everything to pick her up and cradle her head against his chest, “I knew you'd come, daddy!”

“Sorry I'm so late.. traffic was horrible..”

But you weren't as excited as your daughter was, he could see that.

It wasn't that you weren't happy, it was just that you had this feeling he would leave again in an hour and your daughter would be disappointed again. That was your biggest fear nowadays. Seeing her disappointed and sad. There was only so much you could handle..

You couldn't remember when the last time was that you all had dinner together, but apparently it's been a while, because Soojin did not stop talking. Not even for a second. Not even when you started clearing the table after dinner was over.

As soon as you were in the kitchen, she lowered her voice, so that you wouldn't overhear her, “Mommy cried a lot last week, daddy..”

“She did?”

“I think it was because of you.. she called grandma over and then she just cried.. and then I cried too, because I don't like to see mommy cry.”

Yoongi turned his head, looking at you doing the dishes.

He couldn't remember the last time he kissed you, or even just hugged you.

Why couldn't he remember?

Why had it been so long?

You were his wife, for god's sake. The one that gave him the most precious thing in the world, who was sitting next to him right now.

When was the last time he thanked you for that? Told you how much he loved you?

“Did.. mommy say something to grandma?” like, did they talk about getting a divorce? But he didn’t want to ask her that directly. He didn’t want to worry her unnecessarily.

“No.. but grandma said that you don't love her anymore. And then I told grandma that that's not true, because I know you love mommy and me.. and I know you can't be here because you have fans that are like family to you.”

Like family.

But not actual family, like his daughter and wife were.

Why did he not prioritize you anymore? He used to..

“Love, why don't you pick out a book that I can read to you and I'll talk to mommy for a second?”

She nodded and got up, but midway to her room, she turned back around and smiled at her father, “Daddy?”

“Hm?”

“I'm still proud of you. Every day,” and with that, she happily ran into her room to do what her father asked her to do and he only felt ten times worse now.

She shouldn't be proud of him when he was neglecting her so much.

She deserved so much better.

She deserved the father he was in the beginning, when he still had time for her. When he tucked her in every night and held her when she needed him. When he could easily drop everything and just be there for her.. but now.. god, it was just so hard now to be that man for his beautiful girl.

Nevertheless, quite slowly, he walked into the kitchen and carefully wrapped his arms around you, as if he was scared you would push him away.

Which you did.

“(Y/N), I don't know what to say besides I'm sorry..”

“Then don't say anything,” you closed the dishwasher and put the kitchen towel onto the counter.

“This isn't easy for me either, you know? Knowing that I have you two waiting for me at home. It makes me want to rush my work and then it ends up being shitty and..-”

“So you're blaming your family for it, is that it?” you turned around to look at him, an unimpressed look on your face.

“I'm blaming myself for it,” he said honestly, trying another attempt at being close to you, but this time, only by taking two steps towards you and closing the distance just a tiny bit. Baby steps, “Nobody expected Bangtan to come this far. Nobody. And we're doing things that nobody before us has done and we're reaching for stars that nobody has reached for before us. We have so many dreams that we want to achieve.. we have so many things we want to accomplish and you and I both know if just one of us goes, then it's over for BTS.”

“Every day you walk out of this door is a day closer to the one you're fully going to leave us, Yoongi. And I know you don't see that yet, but I do.. I can feel it..-” you tried blinking away the tears, “I once told you that you would leave me and that feeling never left. In fact, it's now stronger than ever. And the worst thing is, I don't know if I want to fight for something that's already broken..”

That hit him hard..

..to hear you say that you thought your family was broken. But probably only because he knew, deep down, that what you were saying was true.

But even if you wanted to give up and not fight for it, he wanted to. He wanted to fix this and convince you that it could be fixed.

“You always forget what I promised you once,” he hesitantly reached out for your hand and put it in his palm, pointing at the engagement ring on your finger, “I will never leave you. Because.. because despite all, I still love you.”

“I used to believe you when you said that,” you smiled sadly, “But now I know you're only saying that because this,” you raised your hand, meaning your engagement ring, “is the one promise you don't want to break..”

But before you could walk away, he grabbed your wrist and just.. kissed you.

He kissed you because he felt like he had to show you that he meant what he had said. That he still loved you with all his being and that he still wanted to be with you for the rest of his life. But he also kissed you because he just missed you so damn much. Just as much as you missed him. He wanted to be close to you again and feel you against him like this. He wanted to hold you in his arms again and feel your heart beating against his chest..

And you didn't know whether it was because of the heartbreak you had experienced these past weeks, or because you had just yearned so much for a kiss or a touch, but you let him, tears now streaming out of your eyes and ultimately being the cause for him stopping the kiss, his forehead still being pressed against yours though and his arms now being around your waist, holding you tight, as if he was afraid you’d go again.

“I will never let you go, (Y/N). I will never let our daughter go. And I will always be with you, even if I can't be here all the time. As soon as comeback is over, I'll be here, every single day. I don't care about dance practice or anything else, I will be with my family and I will stay with you for as long as they let me. And even though you already have one..-” he got down on his knee just like he had last time, opening up a box with a ring he had picked up on his way here that was way more expensive than the one you wore now, just because now he could afford good quality, “I'm promising you just like I promised you last time. This isn't a marriage proposal, but this is me telling you that I'll never leave you. Ever.”

You didn't say anything right away, not like last time.

But you still smiled a little and even more so when your daughter suddenly came rushing in and said: “IF YOU DON'T WANT TO MARRY DADDY, I WILL!”

Both you and Yoongi choked out a laugh that was mostly filled with tears by how emotional you both were.

But tonight was the first night in a long time, that all three of you were lying in your bed and holding each other.

And for the first time in ages, it felt like everything would be okay again.

Like you'd manage, somehow.

You always had and you always would.

As long as you were together.

[idonthavehusbandsihavelovers]

Love Wasn’t in the Plan - Part 12 (Sweet Pea/OC)

Riverdale AU

Chapter Summary – Angel knew this was coming but how does she make Sweet Pea believe he’s the only one for her.

Pairing – Sweet Pea / OC

Warning – Swearing, Angst & Fluff.

Author Notes – Again this story is a little different from the show storyline so that I could fit my character in, I want to thank you for your likes, comments, and re-blogs they mean the world to me and help me keep writing. (sorry if this chapter seems shorter but that because of the next few chapters will be full pack.)

 Part 12 Preview ,  Masterlist

Chapter 12 – How do we make it right?

 They had been sitting in his trailer for an hour neither making a sound. Angel didn’t know what to say, how to make Sweet Pea feel better and more secure in their relationship, she understood this was all new to him. Being in a committed relationship and Sweets was an all or nothing guy, it was one of the things she loved most about him. So she decided to bite the bullet and get the ball rolling on probably one of the most important conversations in their relationship so far.

 “Sweets please talk to me, I know it seems like sometimes I can read your mind but I can’t. You need to communicate with me.”

He lets out a sigh and turns to look at her; the look he gives her almost makes her cry. Angel has never seen such sadness in his eyes before; he looked so vulnerable which make her more cautious, as she knows better than anyone that Sweet Pea doesn’t like feeling weak.

“I don’t know where to start Princess, I’m as conflicted as you are with this whole situation.”

Angel sits there quietly, she wants Sweet to have his say, to get it all off his chest, the thought and feelings he been having since she been back, about them and also regarding her past with Jughead. She understands it complicated for him, he might not like Jughead sometime but he’s a serpent and the younger serpent’s leader, they stick together no matter what.

“You’re the first girl I’ve ever loved, the first girl I can see a future with, someone who sees the best in me, even when I don’t. Who doesn’t judge me and where I’ve come from but hard sometimes realizing I’m not your first and the boy who was, matches you better than I ever can. A boy you share a history with, who showed you what it was to love. Like you showed me.”

Sweet turn away from her, hold back his tears. “How can I compete with that?”

Angel knelt down beside him; gradually place her hand on his face, which he unconsciously leaned into, she turns him to look at her in the eyes. “You can’t Sweet Pea because he will always be my first love and if I could go back and change history falling in love with Jughead wouldn’t be something I’ll change.”

Angel take a deep breath and carry on, “I wouldn’t change it because it leads me to you, yes Jughead with always be my first love but you’re my serpent boy, you’re my soul and can’t lose you.”

She pulls him closer being more cautious than she’s ever been with Sweets, slowly leaning into a kiss, Angel was determined to prove to him in every way that he was the one she wants. After a few minutes he finally caves and gives into her kiss, Sweet Pea was weak for Angel. That was the problem so he was unwavering in his mission to show her what she meant to him. He bends down to place his arm under her bum to left her up and carry her to his, no their bedroom.

He gently places her on the bed, leaning back to look at her. Sweets slowly traced her face with his fingers; he still couldn’t believe someone so perfect wanted someone like him. Angel saw the doubt in his eyes so she chose to take matters into her own hand, hooking her leg around his waist, she flips them over. She smiles down at him tracing circles into his chest.

“Stop thinking Serpent boy, for once let go and just feel. Trust me and let me show you what you mean to me.” It, not their usual fast, hard and rough routine, they go slower tonight. Every touch, every kiss and every thrust of their hips, silently screaming “trust me”, “love me”, “I’m yours be mine” and that how it went on for the rest of the night and into early hours of the next morning, till they fell asleep curled up into each other arms.

A few days later –

The last few days have been hell and the tension in the town was at boiling point, with both the adult and children. Too much is going on and they know it will only take a little push to for everthing to come tumbling down but they pull together for Angels and Toni show knowing how important it was for them.

Angel was sitting on her own in Pops, trying to calm her nervous for tonight’s show and how to keep her and Sweet Pea together, even after their talk and night together Sweet was still sensitive about Angel and Jughead relationship but he would never ask her to stop talking to Jug because he knew how important he was to her. That didn’t stop him from sulking when they spend any time together or throw Jug evil look if he got to close.

Angel sighs and throws her head back against the back of the booth.

“That was a big sigh little one, what on your mind sweetness?”  

Angel smiles lean forward and look at FP sitting in front of her, smirking at her, she shrugs.

“Where to start, I’m always nervous about a show hoping it will go well and that people like my pictures.”

“Of course it going to go brilliant and people would be stupid not to love your picture, you’re extremely talented.” She raises an eyebrow at his praise but doesn’t comment, she knows better than that and carries on.

“There’s the fact my dad is running for Mayor against Mrs. Lodge which has caused a lot of tension in my house between my parents and Archie with him being so far up Mr lodges ass he can’t see that he’s a bad guy. Than there your son and my boyfriend who makes my life even more complicated then I need at the moment.”

FP laughs but she give him a look and he stops, “Sorry little one, that is a lot I can’t help you with your family I know you Andrews and no matter what you guy will get through this no matter what.” Angel smiles and he carries on “Sweet Pea and Jughead, on the other hand, I can try to help as having feeling’s for two people is something I understand.”

Angel raise an eyebrow at him, FP shakes his head and she hesitates but decides to lets it go, one of the things she seems to have in common with FP is when he doesn’t want to talk about something he won’t no matter how much you nag.

“Ok, I let that little information go for now but I still don’t have feels for Jughead.”

It was FP turn to raise an eyebrow at her, “Angel you love Sweet Pea anyone with eyes can see that you both adore each other it kind of sickening. With that being said you will always have feelings for Jughead, I’m not being Bias because he’s my son but tell me when he told you that he loved you back, how did you feel?”

Angel bite her lip not really wanting to answer, “FP, I don’t know...”

“Come on Angel this stay between us, I’m just trying to help.”

She sighs “I don’t know a part of me was confused, another part was happy since my love wasn’t unrequited, a little upset because of what could have been had we’d been honest sooner and then guilt because no matter what I always love Sweet Pea more and I shouldn’t be thinking what could have been with Jughead.”

FP nods along with her and sighs “It ok to love two people, you don’t love Jughead for the same reason you love Sweet Pea. Jug is your past he’s your innocent, the girl we use to know before New York.” Angel nods along, “you never get over your first especially when you didn’t get a chance to actually see what you could have been together, and they’re yours forever if only? It’s something both Sweets and you have to learn to deal with and try to move forward together. It won’t be easy but you and Sweets are the long haul and I believe no matter what you will make it work. Angel, you need to be patients with the boy, Sweet has never known real love other from his friends, until you walk into his life and showed him, he was worth more than what this town believe he does. He scared he will lose you, that one day you will wake up and suddenly realize he not worth the effort and he’ll be left alone again.” Angel goes to argue that she would never but FP holds up his hand to stop her so he can finish.

“I know Little One you would never, but Sweet Pea is a teenage boy he just needs time to process this situation be patient and you’ll get through it.”

He stretches over and places a hand on her face, which she leans into and smiles at him, “Thank you FP, I love you.”

He smiles, let’s go of her face and get up to leave “I love you too Sweatiness, I see you later.” As Angel watches him go she leans back and processes what information FP has laid on her.

A few hours later.

Angel had just finished getting ready for the Show; she was wearing a backless green dress because green was Sweet Pea favorite color, she was excited for tonight, she had talked to Toni before to go over where everything would be in the studio, what picture they both chose as their main piece and for a surprise Angel want to do the next day as token to show Sweet Pea, that she not going anywhere.

She gives herself one less look over and makes her way downstairs, he smiles grow when she sees both her dad and brother looking handsome in their suits, the turn, and stares at her.

Fred walks over to get her hand, which she gladly took, once she was at the bottom he takes a step back to give her a proper once over, Angel giggles “How do I look.” Fred gives her a wide grin “Like you always look, like a princess.” She beams at him and gives him a peck on the cheek.

“Thank you, Daddy. You both are looking rather dapper yourselves.”

Archie laughs and goes to open the door, “Come on we better go, we don’t want to be late.” Fred offers Angel his arm which she gladly took. “I think tonight is going to one of those nights we never forget.”

She smiles not knowing, unfortunately, how true her father words really where because tonight was going to be a night no one in Riverdale will ever forget.

Part 13 Coming Soon 

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