#let me merge my two fixations

[chipsonthemenu]

ive decided im never gonna shut up about genloss x riptide this is gonna fester in my brain i wnat this further developed either by myself or someone else going insane biting gnawing clawing at your doors

genloss au's ive been thinking about :]

love combining media i'm fixated onto

[selfindulgenceisthekey]

𝙼𝚎𝚛𝚞 𝙼𝚎𝚛𝚞 𝚗𝚘 𝙼𝚒: 𝙸𝚗𝚝𝚛𝚘𝚍𝚞𝚌𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗𝚜 𝚙𝚝. 2

𝐒𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭𝐬 𝐱 𝐑𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫

Pt. 1

A/N: I have so many plot ideas in my head for this, but so little motivation to write. Don’t expect a schedule from me, sorry.

You weren’t sure… how you were here.

Eimi was curled in your arms, practically seated in your lap, trembling, her eyes wide but fixated on the waters surrounding you.

The group around you was talking, and they seemed to be working on keeping their voices low as they spoke. The waters were rather calm, and had this been under different circumstances, you’d also be staring out to the water. But you kept your sights on the Strawhats.

One of them, Robin, you believed, had given you a blanket, wrapped around you and Eimi. You both were still clad in your pajamas, and you had never felt more exposed than you did now.

“Captain, please—”

Your attention shifter, body tensing as Luffy bounded forward. Eimi let out a small gasp, burrowing further into you, and you let her, holding her tighter as the grinning captain stopped in front of you.

“Robin says you probably ate the meru-meru no mi fruit, did you? That’s so cool!” He was hunched over, face close to the pair of you.

“Luffy!”

You didn’t respond, not sure if it were from fear or stubbornness. Luffy didn’t seem as if he minded, still grinning even as he was grabbed by the back of his shirt, pulled backwards. Nami stood in front of you and Eimi as Sanji pulled their captain back, all his members looking a mixture of annoyed and exasperated.

���You can’t just crowd her like that!” Nami scolded, hands on her hips as she stared down the grinning captain.

“We talked about this Luffy,” Robin spoke next, her voice gentle from somewhere off to your left, “Personal space is something many value.”

At her words, he pouted, allowing himself to be let go, not rushing toward you again. His attention did turn your way, and Eimi made a noise, turning her head so it was pressed to your chest.

“I’m sorry,” He apologized, sounding weirdly cheerfully apologetic, “Everyone says I need to be better with this personal space stuff, especially with strangers,” He blinked once, before continuing, as if a thought just dawned on him, “But you’re not a stranger! That guy said we could take you!”

That… did not sound like something Kurozawa would say, nor something he would do. He had had people killed for trying to steal you away— you were his songbird.

“Luffy, shut—”

“That is not what he—”

“Well he said I could have you for one night,” He clarified, eyebrows furrowing, “But when you’re my crew you can stay for longer than just one night! Hey— you didn’t answer my question— did you eat a devil fruit? Was it the one Robin said you did?”

Oh. Yeah. That did check out. Kurozawa was not going to offer your devil fruit talents to anyone unless they offered him a very hefty sum, but he wasn’t above having others pay less for… other things.

He probably tried offering that when his deal went up in flames, probably right after you had retired to your room.

Several shouts were heard, all directed at Luffy, but the sounds were loud and jarring, Eimi was now trembling in full in your arms. You held her tighter, wishing you could merge with the floorboards beneath you.

There was some breakout of arguments, you didn’t follow it, your brain feely fuzzy, no words truly reaching your ears. You heard your name called gently, once then twice, before you turned, Robin kneeling near you two, but with enough distance to feel safe.

“Would you feel comfortable following me somewhere quieter?” The way her question fell made it really feel that you had a choice— it was an open ended question, if you refused, you had a feeling she’d allow that.

But, you didn’t want to refuse. Swallowing hard, you nodded, feeling shaky as you stood, still keeping Eimi tight in your arms. The bickering didn’t cease, as you followed far enough away from Robin that you felt safe. You could hardly pay attention as you walked, the setting suns warmth disappearing as you made your way indoors.

“I do apologize,” She spoke, and you felt yourself snap out of whatever empty thoughts had clouded over, realizing you were in… a library?

You glanced around, not sure what to say in response. She continued, thankfully, motioning to a chair, “Would you like to sit?”

Every part of your body felt exhausted, and despite knowing how powerful Robin could be, you’ve heard the stories and seen the bounty, you felt almost safe around her. So you sat. If she tried anything, you’d fight back of course, but you were hoping your trust wasn’t being ill put.

“Luffy gets excited very easily, and it doesn’t take a lot of input for others to follow suit, in their own ways. They mean well, of course, it’s just sometimes harder for them to put it into a way everyone would understand.”

You cleared your throat, swallowing hard, “You were right… I had eaten the meru-meru no mi fruit. I’m… it’s hard for me to control, though,” You glanced towards her, before looking away, studying the books you could see, “If your captain wishes to use me I’m afraid it would be—”

“I can assure you that isn’t why you’re aboard our ship,” She interrupted you, not unkindly, “Kurozawa had been on our radar for a few weeks now. His invite merely gave us a way into his home directly. We had our own reasons, but when you came to dinner, well, it’s safe to assume the stories we’d heard about him weren’t just stories.”

You shook your head, pulling the blanket around you and Eimi tighter, the young girls eyelids were drooping. She was absolutely exhausted. You don’t blame her.

“I imagined so. I won’t lie, he did attempt to offer a night with you to our captain, our crew,” She kept her voice quiet, as if hoping to ensure Eimi didn’t hear her speak, though each word was dripping with venom, “Once he had made that offer, our minds were made up. We would work to free you from his hands, as well as work on his downfall. One happened tonight, the other is to come as time progresses.”

Free you from his hands.

It wasn’t that simple.

It couldn’t be that simple.

You had stayed up nights, long after Eimi had fallen asleep, as she was close to doing now, praying to whoever may hear your pleas that you both would escape one day.

Eimi was asleep now, fingers gripping your top tightly, and you felt your breath catch in your throat. You couldn’t cry, you couldn’t wake her up, worry her. Robin gave you a gentle look, something sympathetic, something understanding.

Your free hand covered your mouth, teeth sinking into the flesh of your palm. You hiccuped once, twice, before you managed to calm your breath, dropping your hand.

“I,” Your voice trembled as you spoke.

You wanted to thank her, to offer to do whatever the crew needed of you to repay this debt. You wanted to scream at her, ask— no, demand why they freed you, what did they gain from this? No one in this world did things to be kind, no one did things without gaining something.

“He won’t let you leave with me easily,” Was what you managed to whisper, “He… I’ve been his for two years now, and I’ve… made people do horrible things.”

Admitting it felt like acid, like bile coated your throat as you spoke, “He’s unstoppable with me, but he’s powerful without me. He won’t stop until he gets me back, until he’s decimated your crew for taking what’s his.”

Robin shook her head, sending you a gentle smile, “He was only unstoppable because of you, he’s a man, he’s human. He bleeds, the same as you and I. We’ve fought with many people, many who wanted nothing more to destroy us. He’s merely a name added to that list, and I can easily promise you, he will not be the one to end the Strawhats.”

“As for making people do things,” Her eyes drifted, her gaze soft as she looked at the sleeping figure of Eimi, gentle puffs of breath against your skin, “You had your reasons. We all have done things, things we may not be proud of, but we had our reasons to do so.”

You absentmindedly brushed some of Eimi’s hair from her face— she’d need a bath soon. There were no words you could come up with to respond to Robin, but your silence didn’t seem to affect her negatively. There was a gentle knock on the door, and it cracked open, the sharpshooter, Usopp, peering in.

“Luffy’s calmed down,” He spoke, lowering his voice when he noticed Eimi was asleep against your chest, “If you’d feel comfortable coming back up, we’ll all be a lot calmer, Usopp’s promise.”

You licked your lips, unsure as to what you wished to do. You’d need to face them, sure, thank them, you suppose. But this entire day was… beyond draining. You were tired, you were hungry, and you were scared. They both seemed to understand.

“We’ll all speak in the morning,” Robin decided, “I can lay out a bed for the two of you,” She paused, studying the library for a moment, “Would you feel more comfortable if you two bunkered down here? I imagine rooming in the women’s cabin may still be a bit much. And I’m not sure I can convince Nami to room in the men’s cabin for the night.”

Usopp chuckled nervously, “We just managed to get everyone calm, I think that suggestion might make things worse.”

You nodded, the library was quiet, warm. It was cozy, it felt safe, reminding you of those fleeting memories of youth, a time that felt like eons ago.

“Usopp, if you wouldn’t mind fetching some spare blankets and pillows.”

He nodded, smiling at you as the two of you made eye contact, before turning and hurrying out. Robin sighed, a soft sound, as she turned to you.

“Tomorrow morning, I can come fetch you if you feel comfortable. Give you time to wake up, and adjust. Explain a few things if need be. Our cook, Sanji,” She clarified for you, “Will ensure to make space at the table for the two of you. Are there any allergies or dietary issues I should pass on to him?”

“Oh,” You stammered, “That’s not— I’ll be fine— Eimi, she doesn’t have allergies. But- but she doesn’t like eggs. In any way, really.”

She nodded, mentally noting that to pass along, before she spoke, “You weren’t allowed dinner when at Kurozawa’s, and our cook ensures no one goes hungry. It wouldn’t be a bother, or an issue I promise. He’ll be overjoyed to have new palettes to cook for as well.”

You swallowed, “I… I’m okay with anything,” The words sounded weak, even to you, but thankfully, Robin nodded, more than likely understanding not to press you.

There was a warning knock, before Usopp entered, carrying pillows and blankets so high that he didn’t seem as if he could peer over them.

“Nami said she would find some of her clothes that may fit you for the morning,” His voice was muffled as he moved to place everything down on the table, “Unfortunately we don’t have much that will fit your daughter. But we’re not far out from a mini town, and Nami also said she’d put some berries aside to get her some things.”

“O-Oh, she’s—”

Usopp shook his head, looking almost guilty for a moment, “She… may have robbed a few thousand berries from Kurozawa’s before we left. As well as some things she says are pure gold we can sell, so it won’t be hurting us. Besides, if Nami is offering you berries without interest, take it and run.”

You hesitated, before nodding. That… was an issue you were going to address, just not the first one. Eimi shifted in your lap, and you glanced down at her.

You suppose you’d tell your story in the morning.

“We’ll leave you two to set up,” Robin spoke, bidding you a goodnight as she left, Usopp following right after.

The couches, you supposed they were couches, lining the walls were soft. Firmer than your bed at Kurozawa’s, but didn’t that make them all the better? You made quick work, lying Eimi down, a pillow under her head, blankets tucking around her body. She looked relaxed, comfortable. You stood for a moment, simply staring at her, looking around the room you were in.

Two years and all you had seen were the walls of Kurozawa’s home.

He called you his songbird, and his home was your golden cage.

And apparently all it took was some rowdy pirates— pirates, apparently, who had kind hearts— to bust the cage doors open.

You brushed a hand over Eimi’s forehead, moving to lay with her, and willing yourself with to fall asleep. Asleep in a room that wasn’t your prison, for the first time in over two years.

[blackbat05]

Confessions of a Roommate

Jason Todd x Reader (University AU)

Plot: Jason comes back to you shared dorm injured leading to confessions from the both of you.

Genre: PG-13 (Fluff with description of injuries)

A/N: Wrote this in one shot after being inspired by a post about cliche prompts? Honestly can never go wrong. Also time passes so fast that it’s so surreal? Graduating soon so wanted to do another university AU? Reblogs and comments appreciated!💓

(Also was looking for a gif and this is perfect for what I wrote?)

***

You lost count at how many times you had to blink at the screen. The words on your laptop were starting to merge together. Groaning, you saved the progress of your work before making yourself some tea.

As much as you wanted, you couldn’t go to sleep yet. The last hurdle before your graduation, you dissertation was giving you more problems then you anticipated. Also, there was another reason that you were burning midnight oil.

You whip out your phone, scrolling through your favorites before hitting on Barbara’s number. True to her name, she picked it up on the first ring.

“Hey Babs, I was wondering if you heard from Jason? He’s supposed to be back by now but I can’t reach him.”

“That’s strange, he left the library half an hour ago.” There’s a moment of silence between the two of you and Barbara quickly fills it. ���Don’t worry, I’m sure he’ll be fine. I’ll get Dick to check in on him.”

You thank Barbara, hanging up the phone. Jason was more than capable of handling himself, but the two of you had a roommate code - to always check in with each other whenever either of you had schedules late into the night. It was not like him to break the code.

Pacing up and down in your room, you decide to look for him yourself. As you were about to grab your keys and jacket, you hear the rattling of the doorknob that could only mean one thing. Quickly sending a text to Barbara that the search wouldn’t be necessary, you go to the door.

“Jason!” You momentarily froze at the sight of his bruised face. “What happened? Are you okay? Who did this to you?”

The barrage of questions made your best friend chuckle. “I’m alright. You should see the other guys.” He throws his belongings to the side, not caring where it landed. Jason makes a beeline for the couch, his large frame sprawled on the brown leather.

“Guys. As in not one.” You deadpanned, staring at him for answers. Jason gives a nonchalant wave, expertly dodging the hidden meaning behind your question. “Hey, could you get me an ice pack? I don’t wanna turn up to Mrs Rogers class like a panda. Not when I’m her favorite student.”

“Rub it in literature prince.” You rolled your eyes. Making your way to the kitchen, you extract the medical kit that you bought ever since you first met Jason. “Sit up will ya? Let me see how bad it is.”

He quietly follows your instructions, hissing every now and then when the tip of the cotton bud brushed over fresh wounds. You’re fixated on treating his injuries that you don’t realize how close you are. But Jason does. And he can’t help to admire your beauty.

He gazes at the way your eyes reflect how deeply focused you are. He notices how your nose crinkles when you apply the cream on his face and how your lips are slightly parted as you made sure you didn’t miss any injuries.

“There, all done.” You closed the lid in satisfaction. “Now, can you tell me how you ended up looking like our campus bus ran over you?”

Jason sees the look of concern on your face and decides against lying to you. No use hiding it. Maybe it was time to tell you everything that he had been desperately trying to keep a lid on. He takes a deep breath, preparing himself.

“Before you question me, yes I was studying with Gordon and Grayson.” He sees that you haven’t said anything and takes it as his signal to continue. “I left on time and I was just about to text you that I was on my way back.” Jason pauses, the mere thought of it making him see red.

“You know Chris Anderson?”

“Yeah,” you nod. “And his bunch of cronies from the football team. Why?”

“I met them on the way. Anderson thought it was a good idea to talk crap about you in front of me. And no, I’m not going to tell you what they said to me or I might just end up killing one of them.” Jason balls his fists. Although the blood was cleaned up, you could still see traces of bruising.

Taking his hand onto your lap, you hold it gently, rubbing your fingers over his palm. The repetitive action seemed to have calmed Jason down and he exhales loudly. You give him a reassuring smile.

“Thank you Jason. You always do so much for me.” You frown slightly thinking of the fact that this wasn’t the first time Jason had gotten himself into an altercation. “But please be careful. I don’t want you getting into any unnecessary trouble because of me. Those guys are just dickheads.”

He raises an eyebrow at your choice of words, causing you to shrug. “I mean what I said Jason. I know you can take care of yourself but what if one of them takes it too far. You know how they’re like. I can’t stand the thought of you being hurt.”

As the words fall out of your mouth, you realized what you had just said. Embarrassed, you removed your hands from his grasp, abruptly standing up. “Just… don’t do it again ok? I was seriously worried.” You attempt to make your way to return the medical kit only for Jason to hold you at the wrist.

Looking down at his hunched figure, you struggle to decipher his expression. Until he let’s out a huff of relief. Before you know it, Jason brings you to him, enveloping you in a big hug.

“This is so crazy.” He laughs. “We’ve been friends, roommates for half our lives and you had bigger balls than I had.”

You pause at his words, gently prying yourself from his hold to look at his gleeful smile. “Wait… are you saying?”

“Yes, I like you. I’m sorry it took several fights and a busted lip to tell you how I felt but I am in love with you.”

Breaking out of your stupor, you wrapped your arms around Jason. Enamored with his pine scented perfume, you buried your face into his chest, hoping that Jason didn’t see the growing blush on your face.

“I love you too you idiot.”

Jason only hugs you tighter, not wanting to let go. He does see your flushed face from the mirror, but perhaps Jason will leave the teasing for another day.

After all, he had all the time in the world.

[coffeegnomee]

Training my brain to learn that caring about something does not mean someone will die and it will all be lost.

Cw - death, OCD, mcyt death, dsmp and lifesteal, triggers

This is, obviously, something super personal. But sharing about it is what scares me, so I’m going to do it anyway and prove to my brain that it’s okay to care.

If you end up reading it, know you just read my heart. I hope it helps you process whatever you’re dealing with <3. 

I looked up OCD tonight because my brain constantly cycles through the same thoughts and worries about Lifesteal like Non Stop. Like I know I’m ADHD but this isn’t just a fixation on this server, but like debilitating spirals of thought. And all focused around analyzing if it’s all going to fall apart or not. 

They say ocd is a “limbic system impairment that occurs when someone experiences a traumatic physical or emotional event while their chronic stress load is already high.”

And that freaking resonated. They say exposure therapy can rewire the brain so let’s go explore what’s the event that’s keeping me spiraling.

My chronic stress load was extremely high that summer two years ago. And then Technoblade died. The longer it’s been the more I really sit with the fact that that was traumatic.

On top of the stress personally, now my favorite YouTuber, my comfort character on dsmp, the freaking anchor of that server, was just gone. Gone.

Dreamsmp came in a time of some pretty heavy depression. Obviously the pandemic was still occurring so that’s a chronic stress load itself (I found it January 16th 2021, so like, three days before the disc finale, but almost a year into covid) and watching through all the streams I was able to completely escape.

For the first time in months I was laughing. Like deep belly laughs. Full body. Actual joy. The neural rewiring my brain those first months was insane. It was pure serotonin.

I became motivated to work again, having something fun in the background. I looked forward to cherishing the lore, keeping those streams to the side for the evenings when I could really immerse myself into the story.

There’s a two-fold trigger that sends me into a spiral around loosing the thing that makes me happy. Unfortunately at the time, the things causing the chronic stress in my life stemmed from the things that used to bring me fulfillment and joy and purpose. They were being taken away, by my own choice, and from my health (more on that later).

So in the void of having my real-life anchors to bring fulfillment, dreamsmp was the thing keeping this whole body going. Truly a hanging on by a thread moment.

But even then, it’s not just about "loosing the thing that makes me happy" that causes these obsessive thoughts.

It’s the irrational connection that because the lore changed and the dynamic of the server stalled, that THAT therefore somehow that lead to Techno dying. (yes. An irrational and non related thought. I just realized with writing that that I have truly merged both those events so closely that when the first happens, I cannot let go of the idea of the second. I’m sitting here expecting someone to irl die.)

Huh. That’s interesting. 

It’s like, I read this from some random instagram post years ago. This woman’s husband died on a sunny day and then years later sunny days fill her with dread as if the weather was signaling that she would come home to the death of a loved on.

That’s what’s going on in my noggin.

Because it’s Quackity’s lore that changed the fabric of the dreamsmp. It didn’t have to, but it did. It came at the perfect storm when everyone was super burnt out and needed to run away from the insanity of both the fans and the haters and the sudden massive fame. 

He decided to do pre-recorded movies. On my live-stream smp. The very fabric of lore was changed. 

And because of the larger production, it took longer, and the other members of the server seemed to not know where to take their personal lore; everyone was waiting for that damn casino to open. And since all the lore ended up happening in pre-recordings we never again experienced that magic of live stream entertainment and improv and dumb bits. Everything was sanitized. For their own sanity, sure. But at the expense of the survival of the server. (Also Techno wasn’t available because of the chemo, so truly nothing was happening on any end of the server)

That perfect storm, loosing interest in the server and the lore being fundamentally changed, set the stage for the traumatic moment of loosing a member. That's my two-fold trigger.

And his death sealed the deal. I’ve never held it against them for not wanting to continue after. Season 2 was impossible the moment that happened. 

My chronic stress had exploded so far that my thyroid was fucked and I’m diagnosed with Hashimoto’s, an autoimmune disease that keeps me fatigued more often than not. Besides that, my other main chronic stress was a realization that the Future I had always expected myself to take, the Plan that I had set out, I was suddenly extremely Not Sure I wanted to do anymore. 

But I had confidently told my friends and family for over 8 years that this is what I wanted (all this during college and after. I was already 26 at this time) (yes I’m old) (yes life is still crazy when you’re old) (but you start understanding yourself better). It was in this understanding of myself that I realized my direction needed to change.

Suddenly my whole identity I had built for myself was swept out from under me. 

At that. same. dang. time. That same week. That’s when the news broke. Literally broke me to pieces. 

And I hadn’t told anyone I was obsessed with Minecraft lore. Like bro. I’m out of college for a few years. Get a life. (But man. My eyes just light up when I think about this method of story telling. It’s just goated)

My mom sort of knew. She didn’t understand but at least I could tell her someone died and she had some sort of connection that I had been following this kid for over a year now. 

But no one else. The sorrow and pain of loss is just so much worse when you can’t explain why you cared about someone so much. It’s not like my parent died. Or sibling. It was a kid I had never met in person but I resonated with so much. 

And I remember distinctly thinking “It’s not worth not sharing the things you care about with other people”. Burned into my brain that day.

But time heals all wounds. Until something triggers it. 

I spent the next year just following Foolish, that ray of sunshine who was involved enough to have become my comfort streamer, but not too involved that it was painful to watch because of the memories.

It was a crazy fun year. Best comfort streamer. But people change, I change, and I missed Minecraft lore. You can only watch so much valorant before it’s just the same game.

Foolish found out he was on QSMP (I think it actually was before, I think he knew about the server before it was announced) and he started looking at Minecraft content and Minecraft builds again. For the first time in over a year. It was such a random day. 

But we watched Sandiction and… Rekrap2. 

Both of them stole my heart and I went, maybe it’s time to return to mcyt. See what’s been brewing.

And before I knew it I was on a month-long binge of Lifesteal content and just so absolutely lost as to what order everything came out in or what season everything was from. Shoutout them being allergic to click baiting “Lifesteal” or adding season tags to the description. It’s such a mess on Youtube lol.

Soon enough I found Baconnwaffles1. Not 0. 1. Somehow found his second channel first.

The videos caught my eye. I knew they were streams and I was trying to find the vods, but as you know Bacon doesn’t have a vods channel and his streams delete after 14 days. 

But then finally the fated video crossed my path: “This is PrinceZam and he just betrayed his teammates”

Oh my goddess what in the world is going on in this server. 

I needed to know. 

So began the true binge. Found Zam’s vods, watched season 4. And I discovered something amazing.

I have genuinely never resonated more with a character than I resonated with Zam season 4.

Every internal debate of Zam resonated with my own dilemmas. People pleasing and understanding what you value came to a head, and only one could win. But truly your values are the only real option because every moment of people pleasing will rub against your soul like hot coals. 

Remember those chronic stressors? The life I didn’t know if I wanted anymore?

As Zam walked between conversations with friends, teammates, and enemies, I recognized similar conversations in my life. 

I could describe the situation one way, and the person would agree and give advice. But then I realized I could describe the situation in a different light and then maybe they wouldn’t agree anymore. So I didn’t know what advice to take.

And then chat was so funny. The day before the wormhole they started giving too many opinions, the same opinions they had been giving for weeks, and in a flash I was like, omg he’s going to spiral again guys why are you like this. 

And then he was like, OMG chat, YOU’RE the problem! There’s too many of you and I’m trying to make everyone happy.

If I tell you I jumped up, screamed, giggled, and floundered around like a crazy person it wouldn’t even come close to what happened. I was so proud of Zam for realizing his emotions were being swayed by the barest opposition. From that third person point of view, I could so clearly see what was going wrong and I was cheering him on to realizing what he truly wanted.

I did, and still do, see so many of the decision making problems that Zam has, within myself. As a piece of media, and him being a character, it’s the craziest most relatable story I have ever seen. I’ve never resonated with a character more. 

Then we reached season 5. 

The first season I truly watched as it came out. I had gotten too obsessed with this Minecraft world. I wanted more. I loved these kids and their storytelling. 

But it was the first season when people started leaving the server on good terms.

Oh no. This sounds too familiar. People are loosing interest in the server I love. What’s next, a change in the fabric of how lore is created? 

Then there was a change in the fabric of how the lore was created.

We saw the new members approach the server with a recording-mindset. Who weaponized the lore against the old server members. Pretending they cared about the yapping but then revealing that in itself was a complete and total lie used to get you into the perfect position to either spoil the whole riddle or shoot you with an arrow canon.

And then. Not. Care. At. All. Zero remorse.

I don’t know why the betrayals by Jumper hurt so badly. But it hurt. A lot. (I was triggered that’s why) My emotional reaction was out of proportion to reality.

It’s not like it wasn’t a Lifesteal move, people had gotten into position to betray in the past, and would continue to do so in the future with Leo and Clown betraying Minute. 

But it was that “I have no remorse over the hours we spent as a team, not a single thread of care to you or to the yapping lore of this server”. It’s one thing to be betrayed by an enemy. Quite another to be betrayed by a friend.

So here I began. Triggered by something that wasn’t world ending. Quackity’s take on lore didn’t kill the server. Neither did Jumper’s. It was probably going to be fine.

But like. My brain is not agreeing. So I’m pushing back on it. 

Here’s what I’m finding.

This is a fun tidbit - when Mapic said “streams are delayed” when he was in the hospital before the finale I could not convince myself that he didn’t had cancer and wasn’t going to die. Bro. Tell me you’re triggered without telling me you’re triggered. (In case you didn’t see, it was just a concussion)

I’m so hyper aware of everything that could indicate I’m going to loose someone I care about again.

The pattern recognition is going out of control. 

And I keep trying to calm my brain down and catalogue all the reasons I know and believe Lifesteal will be perfectly fine for probably a while. Like how they have meetings all the time to discuss what went down on the server. They’re talking all the time to work out interpersonal problems and lore problems so that everyone is happy and feels heard. And they’re watching movies together. Meeting up and strengthening relationships. Changing admins as necessary. 

And I say it again. 

And again. 

And again. 

Every time something throws the smallest pebble at stability I walk my brain back through all the indicators that everything will be fine. 

Jumper:

Jumper loves being on the server. She’s said it. She’s so excited about it. She did have a plan. She didn’t tell us the plan as it went, but she does stream. She’s getting comfortable with the idea of streaming, she’ll learn to trust chat over time. She’ll learn how to loose gracefully on this server at some point. Probably. hopefully. And since I don’t know when that will be I’ll just have to wait until season 6 and see what happens. It’s out of my control. She’s fine. It’ll be fine. 

Pentar:

Pentar is fine. He doesn’t understand why chat would tell him he’s the most likely to betray even though every video he betrays. Why is he doing that that’s so weird. But he’s a great teammate and everyone likes having him around. I don’t like how he laughs at Zam, but like I can give him the benefit of the doubt that he just doesn’t take anything seriously and laughs in the face of anything serious. I’ll have to wait and see until next time to see how I feel about what he does on the server. Real life can’t be repeated over and over so just let it go. It’ll be fine.

Minute:

Minute is just so happy to be in Lifesteal. He loves it so much. You can tell by how he speaks every time there’s a group moment. He’s going to be admin next season. He loves this server. He may be overly attached to the Rules and have black and white thinking and he sometimes wields that for his own gain and I hate when he does that can he just have fun and take things less seriously? But I think he’ll get it. He’s competent. And he loves the server. He wouldn’t destroy it even on accident because someone would call him out before that happens. It’s going to be fine. 

Ash: 

Ash can be mean and also not care about the good that our side is doing and just wave them away saying they’re just evil. He does’t get it. But also he’s quite the actor. He puts on a lore face when he logs on, you can see it in season 4 with the wormhole. You can see it when he logs on for the justice league returns and he’s so committed to being good and fighting evil and as Zam is killing Mid in the background and he’s all shocked as if he was not the one who goaded Zam into killing her moments before. It’s a character. Even when it feels like it shouldn’t be. He does take random events in stride, pulling up the meditation guidance video when they all got killed. He’s stressed out by it, but also takes it with some levity. He’ll be fine. He just chose a questionable character to act this season and didn’t know how to balance his position as admin separate from his need to win. But he’ll be fine.

Can you see how this is exhausting? This is my brain on the daily. 

Every day I find myself working through each person one after another as something small comes up to threaten the balance, or reinforce the good.

This is when I noticed this wasn’t simple excitement about the lore, thinking and guessing about what might happen.  It was the same thoughts over and over and over. And I couldn’t stop a line of thought until I mentioned all the things. That’s what made me look up ocd. 

But back to it, I’m actually so much more okay with Ash because it’s been a couple seasons with him. I’m starting to see his tells. So I can just let the rough parts slide away. 

And that’s really what I just have to accept. That I can’t self soothe my way into being okay. Resisting acknowledging what I’m afraid of is just making me spiral more. 

We’ve seen people choose to leave after stressful seasons. We know some people become aware that they aren’t cut out for Lifesteal. Or they just don’t want to be. Some of these members might decide that. And Lifesteal has continued despite members leaving. 

OMg can I please stop cataloging how it will be fine?

I have to sit with the reality and realize nothing bad DID happen, NOT that nothing bad MIGHT happen. 

(This is unironically so counterintuitive to my brain. What do you mean I have to just accept that nothing bad happened, what if something bad does happen!) (But that’s what anxiety looks like. That’s not a good)

How do you convince yourself that you can’t predict the future? Asking for a friend.

I think it goes back to caring. I don’t think I’m allowed to care about any of this. That it’s silly, or dumb, or immature. 

It was, in fact, in caring itself that the loss of Techno was so painful.

So I don’t allow myself to care. To get too invested. Any time I see that I’m caring I push up on the walls of my trenches and shove that shit out. Only analytical thoughts in here. Measurable, quote-filled analyses.

But caring does not therefore mean there will be a loss.

So. Okay. Pivot. What am I really afraid of? 

I’m afraid the server will end. That something will make Zam give up and leave. 

Wow. I thought that was going to be a long ass paragraph but it really is just that. I know I’ll stop watching lifesteal if Zam is gone. Unless someone new comes in that has his same spark and dedication. Unlikely. 

So that threat is the worst. 

And I’ve seen his interest wax and wane. I know he can disappear for a month. 

But I also know he can come back. And he’s been a lot more mature and healthy and confident in being the streamer of Lifesteal. In how much he loves the server. 

Which is where pb&j being such a threat to the fabric of how lore is done is so scary, because that changes Zam’s care. But then again. It really didn’t. He just pivots. 

One of the most healing things has been watching the old members leave and continue to make content. And seeing how they choose to make their exit. They honored the server and the time they were there, in Rek’s case uplifting Lifesteal.net, in Parrot’s in completely reediting all his footage into a cohesive story. 

And then they still make content together. All the members make content with each other outside of Lifesteal. (And those that left the internet forever, that was okay too)

So that’s nice. Some bad things came to pass, and they've shown their response to it. Also Zam taking a break didn’t change how the lore was created, so that wouldn’t be a trigger. 

The trigger from that fear would be if he did leave, my brain would go into high gear looking for who was going to die. And I would have a new post to write lol. 

The trigger that is still tilting me is that pb&j changed how the lore was made, and my brain went *danger* *danger* This is something that happened last time and you know how that turned out! Start looking for who is going to die!

And it stopped me from seeing how this is not the same situation. The pattern for a death that I think I’m seeing, is not a pattern. 

And sitting with how nothing DID go wrong, that fear did not come to pass, is exposure therapy.

Because nothing went catastrophically wrong with the season 5 finale. I just keep closing my eyes, sitting in the problematic lore, and not accepting what actually happened at the end of the season, and freaking out that disaster is coming.

So what happened?

Season 5, you tried to kill my server. 

But The server resisted. (Hahahah undertale reference!)

Clown came back. Ro came back. Branzy betrayed everyone for Clown. Bacon and Zam sat in vc the entire finale fight. Mapicc fought until he couldn’t.

Spepticle gave his account then fought for it back. Pangi gave his account. Spoke gave his account. Red did the blessings/curses as Zam wanted. 4C said he was glad to give Minute the presidency because he knew Minute wanted peace and he knew peace was not an option in Lifesteal. Actually the quietest of goats. Didn’t realize he thought that deeply about the server. 

And it meant so much that Clownpierce, who hasn’t been meaningfully involved since the season 3 finale, came back and fought for his server. He made Lifesteal season 2. It’s always been his domain and he fought for its soul.

That’s the season 5 finale. 

The Players fought for Lifesteal. The server resisted destruction. 

This chapter is closed. This season got it’s ending. And it’s “not like last time” like my brain keeps thinking. 

The season might have ended with a lot of unknowns for how it will affect season 6. Will these old members still care? Will pb&j be a menace still? 

But what happened was a moment where everyone came together to care about the server. And that means the anxiety was unfounded. If something happens like this again, I have an example where everything didn’t fall apart to counter my fear that it will. 

See you around!

If you actually read to the end you’re amazing. Hopefully this is something you can do in your life to help understand what is the cause of your pain and anxiety. I wasn’t going to post it initially, but working it out as a post I could theoretically show to other people helped make it way more real than trying to work it out in my head, talking to myself. I had to write it in such a way that someone else would understand. Even if I didn’t post it. 

I’ll probably have many more days of writing when I notice a new trigger. Exposure therapy isn’t a one and done. (I probably won’t post any of those.)

But my body feels so much more relaxed now. Something has shifted in my head as a result of writing this all down.

Good luck!

[bitter-sweetener]

Bitter's Hellraiser Movie Review

Okay so, over this past weekend I watched every* single Hellraiser movie. There are 11 in total, 10 from the original franchise and 1 modern "reboot". I watched the very first one and Pinhead immediately became my newest hyper-fixation. I'm a freak weirdo into freak weirdo shit because my brain is a little funky. I will be posting my complete thoughts (+ analysis) under the cut. Short end of it: I loved it. It's a classic. Watch the first one at the very least. I think the reboot was really worth watching. You must have some whimsy to enjoy the rest. 6 + 7 are watchable but honestly the average viewer would not like any of the other movies. Do not watch Revelations. I love some really TRASH media, so you know that is truly a shit movie. Spoilers!

Okay. Now that the normies are gone, here we go.

I have said it once and I shall say it again, Pinhead is a psychological horror villain in a slasher movie world. I am aware of the books Hellraiser is based on, and also the comic books. Best believe I WILL be reading those as soon as I can get my grubby little fingers on them. Anyway here's my review:

Hellraiser: I love 80's horror aesthetics. I love anything with practical effects. But most importantly, I love the whole idea of Pinhead and the cenobites. I thought it was a very fun horror movie. The no skin makeup really weirded me out, not in a bad way but in a probably unintended way. I really fell in love with Pinhead. "The box! You opened it, we came." I love that Pinhead was ready too make a deal with Kirsty. Seemed flirty to me idk. (There is something about media about a sadomasochist wanting you that makes my brain go bur.) I feel like up until the point where the Cenobites appeared, this was going to be a slasher movie. Once you see that they can be reasoned with in some way? They hit that very yummy to me psychological horror field. I think that was the point where I needed to see more of him. My only complaint about the movie is that Pinhead wasn't in more of it. If you like Hannibal (tv), you'd like Kirsty/Pinhead and vice versa. 5/5 stars. Also Frank saying come to Daddy made me laugh so incredibly hard. Will re-watch this.

Hellraiser ii: Hellbound. This was a really good sequel. It picks up RIGHT where the previous one leaves off which I thought was nice. I'm so glad that they stuck a bit to the very obvious psychological horror route with this movie, letting Tiffany go free due to her catatonic state. "It is not hands that call us. It is desire." The cenobites aren't completely evil in that regard, and I think that is what truly makes for an interesting antagonist whereas Frank and Julia are kinda just shitty people. I REALLY WISH that they continued more on that route with the rest of the movies. I feel like they completely disregard that aspect of the Cenobites later which just makes the deaths boring after a while. But again I'm calling it a 5/5 stars from me. Will re-watch this. There's a moment with this weirdly wet baby doll on screen with sewn together lips? Seeing that sent me to a new dimension. Pinhead wants Kirsty soooooo bad. "We have eternity to know your flesh." Down BAD.

Hellraiser iii: Hell On Earth. I ship Terri and Joey. The scene in Joey's apartment??? Lesbian alert. Loved that. The weird baby returned but this time not wet, but dangling in a circle of barbed wire with a blindfold on. Fucking amazing. Who's idea was that. Who NEEDED that to be featured so desperately. Also I fucking love that Hell was like encased in this weird af art piece thing. I love that we got some Elliot in this movie! I think merging the two fully solidified that Pinhead isn't all beast. I thought it was fun watch. 5/5 also. I love this original trilogy as a trilogy. "I AM THE WAY." I loved the church scene.

Hellraiser 6: Hellseeker. I watched the movies out of order. This one is the most worth watching of the follow up movies just for continuity. But I thought it was very boring. The set up for this movie is more about taking you through someone else's specific hell and not just the act of being brought to it. I love that we get Kirsty back. Pinhead WILL get his girl. "You opened the door long ago and it will not be closed until I get what I came for. It was a nice closeout to her story, a nice little epilogue. I MAY re watch it, just for Pinhead, but probably not. 3/5. "Welcome to the worst nightmare of all. Reality." He was SO real for that omg. I love this franchise because a lot of it lets the female protagonists get revenge and I loooveeeee when women are vengeful.

Hellraiser 4: Bloodline. They are in space? And there's some lore of the box that is in the past and not in space? But this is honestly a shit film. I thought it was boring. The scene with the twins was GOOD. Perhaps the single good thing about that movie. But mostly I don't remember anything about it at all. 2/5. "I am so exquisitely empty." Yeah babe, so was this movie.

Hellraiser 5: Inferno. Similar to 6 in how its once specific guy's specific kind of hell. The male protagonists (?) suck in this franchise. It gave me a bit of a Hannibal (tv) vibe when the guy sits down with the therapist. I'm calling him "this guy" because I cannot be bothered to look up his name because it was so boring. Honestly I also BARELY remember this movie. 2/5 "Welcome to hell." I do really think Hannibal would like Pinhead. They would just love each other's work I think. I started daydreaming about a Hannibal and Hellraiser crossover. Because as mentioned, I AM a freak weirdo.

Hellraiser 7: Deader. STUPID NAME for a movie. That being said I enjoyed this one! Like a fair amount. Another great female protagonist. I really liked seeing her gathering evidence to investigate. I hated the cult leader type guy. I just thought he was fucking stupid. If it wasn't a Hellraiser movie I may have liked it more. Because the Cenobites are kind of just there? This would work as a better stand alone type of horror cult movie. I think Hellraiser was just trying out all kinds of troupes and whatever. "You should be very careful what you wish for. It just might come true." 3/5 I remembered the plot this time.

Hellraiser 8: Hellworld. This is just a slasher film that they glued Pinhead into the end of. It was giving SAW vibes at one point. With the chair with the blades that sever the arteries in your neck. I don't particularly like Saw. Just doesn't tickle me. I will admit to fast forwarding through bits of this because I just did not care all that much. I watched it only so I could store the scenes with Pinhead into my brain, and even that part was like eating holographic meatloaf. 1/5.

Hellraiser 9*: Revelations. There is that * again! Did you forget about it? Yeah I got 5 minutes in, said yo why is this SO BAD, read that this film was rushed and made mostly to keep the licensing, and then PROMPTLY shut that shit off. 0/5. Negative one million. If I opened the box, the hell I would be dragged into would include being forced to watch this movie.

Hellraiser 10: Judgement. Better than the 9th movie that's for sure. Once again, I cared very little for the man who's story the film this movie was ultimately about. These men genuinely have no personality outside of kinda just being a jackass. I did like the auditor. I thought he was pretty cool! I liked the visuals in this movie, very very gross and gory. I liked the idea of heaven sanctioned evil. I liked that Pinhead was like, lady I do not care who you are, fuck you and fuck that guy you were trying to save. I think it's stupid that he was sent to "reality" as punishment. I think it's stupid that he was punished for that. Free my boy from the confines of reality and allow him to experience the sweet pain of the flesh once more! 2/5 "After all, evil seeks evil." I also want to say that Pinhead being unwilling to strike a deal with this guy is further proof that Kirsty is special and that he should get his girl.

Hellraiser 2022: OKAY PINHEAD IS HOT. FEM PINHEAD IS SUPER SEXY. THEIR VOICE????!?!?!?!?! FUCKING WOAHHHHHHH. Also there is gay people!!! I love gay people. Honestly I thought this was a really compelling story. I think Hulu did the franchise justice. It was just very visually appealing. There were a lot of layers in a way, similar to how the first few movies had these layers of evil to them. I really liked that. I will watch this again. I just think it was a good movie. Voight's transformation was quite captivating at the end. I like that we had the Cenobites working with some kind of code again, like god intended. One of my favorite scenes is the one where Nora gets got. "...heaven. There's no music in that." It's just REALLY HOT sadomasochism vibes and I'm here for it. Maybe I'm just fucked up and gay though. 5/5 stars. It was worth getting through the bad movies for this beautiful creation.

If you read this whole thing I love you and I'll see you in hell <3

[megalony]

Finally Coming True

This is my first Jonah Hauer-King imagine, inspired and requested by the lovely @annonyymoouussssss and @jonahhauer-kingg I hope you both like this. Any feedback and requests are greatly appreciated.

Taglist: @lunaticspoem @butlegendsneverdie @langdonzvoid @jennyggggrrr @rogmeddows @radiob-l-a-hblah @rogertaylorsbitontheside @chlobo6 @rogertaylors-lipgloss @sj-thefan @omgitsearly @luckytrashgooprebel @scarsout @deaky-with-a-c @killer-queen-ofrhye @bluutac @vousmemanqueez-blog @jonesyaddiction @milanosaurus @httpfandxms @saint-hardy @7-seas-of-fat-bottomed-girls @mrsalwayswritex @rogerina-owns-me  @hellsdragon @im-an-adult-ish @crazylittlethingg @allauraleigh @onceuponadetectivedemigod @ceres27 @avyannadawn  @noonenuts​ @sleepylunarwolf @coverupps

Masterlist

Summary: (Y/n) and Jonah are somewhere between friends merging into lovers and they go out with friends on a night that changes everything. (Friends to lovers, shy reader).

Enjoy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"You okay?"

(Y/n) looked over at Ashley and forced a weak smile and a nod of her head as they approached the club.

Clubs weren’t really (Y/n)’s scene, going out at all wasn't really her scene if she was being honest. She loved to be around her friends, especially a certain someone who was stood so close to her that she could feel his arm brushing against her back and his breaths escaping through the cold night air. But going out somewhere with hundreds of other people around wasn't what (Y/n) would class as a good night.

She didn't like dancing so close to other people, it made her feel uneasy and like they were sardines in a tin when people brushed against her or barged into her without warning. Contact with anyone but her friends was not acceptable to (Y/n). And she didn't drink nearly as much as everyone else and that always meant she was the sober one left in the corner, not having the best time.

The music was far too loud and everyone was trying to hook up with someone.  Jamie was the only one in a steady relationship, the other three people in the group- excluding Jonah, would be searching for a hook-up or a new person to take home with them.

It was different for Jonah.

His eyes were fixated on one person and one person alone; (Y/n). She was the only one he wanted to go home with and spend his time with and everyone knew it. Even (Y/n) knew it.

Over the past two years, their friendship had morphed into something new, it had crossed the friendship line but hadn't quite merged into the relationship bubble yet. What they had was so special and delicate to (Y/n) and she didn't want to risk ruining it. She didn't want to do something wrong if they were in a relationship and risk losing Jonah. It felt safer to stay friends with intimate moments than become lovers with that risk of things going wrong.

And Jonah was nothing if not understanding and patient, he never went too far, but he did like to push the boundaries a little. Whenever (Y/n) was around, his hand was almost always tangled with hers or his arm was wrapped around her waist, coiling her into his side for safety and comfort. She never objected when he kissed her temple or wrapped his arms around her from behind and pulled her in for a cuddle.

He knew sooner or later, he would be able to push away her worries and show her what they had wasn't something to be feared, but embraced.

The moment their group entered the club, (Y/n) felt a familiar arm swooping around her waist and his fingers splayed out on her hip. The touch was comforting but protective at the same time. (Y/n) let her head fall on Jonah's chest as she slid her arm around his lower back.

"Stay close," Jonah had to speak loud for his voice to be heard over the music but he sounded like he was whispering to (Y/n).

His words floated around in her mind and made a smile form on her lips, it was something she had heard so many times before but it never stopped the butterflies from erupting in her stomach. He knew how nervous she would get and he hardly ever let her out of his sight because Jonah would always leave with (Y/n) if she'd had enough. He didn't care if they'd been out four hours or just half an hour, if she wanted to go he would go with her.

When he leaned down and kissed her forehead, (Y/n) shivered and her knees almost gave out.

(Y/n) drowned out the noises around them and shuffled into the booth after Jonah, his arm still around her waist and he pulled her closer until she was almost falling onto his chest. She didn't hear what Jamie said but it must have been funny because she could feel Jonah's chest rumbling with laughter.

Jonah didn’t know how infectious his laugh was or how melodic it sounded or how his laugh sent shivers running down (Y/n)’s spine. She had a video on her phone of them all messing around and Jonah’s laugh was caught on that video and it was the best part. She would sit and rewind it just to listen to five seconds of Jonah laughing.

Whenever Jonah teased (Y/n) or he was playing around he would wink at her and it made her insides turn to mush and she didn’t know how to function or speak or move. When his voice deepened or he spoke quietly to her to try and tease her or playfully intimidate her it made (Y/n) weak at the knees.

Everything about Jonah, his personality, his looks, his signature traits and movements and expressions, all of him was intoxicating to (Y/n) and she had fallen hard for the actor. But if things went wrong, (Y/n) couldn't bear the thought of losing him, not for any reason and that was what held her back every time he leaned close for a proper kiss or when she stared into his eyes and got lost.

Too many times had (Y/n) told someone how she felt, only for them to say they didn’t feel the same or to string her along or just walk out of her life. Falling for a friend didn’t always work out like it did in the movies because it could ruin friendships forever and what (Y/n) had with Jonah, she was not willing to lose at any cost.

She couldn’t lose what she had with him.

"Alright, let's get some drinks." Ashley shuffled out of the booth and led the way towards the crowded bar. She wouldn't sit for long without a drink in her hand, she wanted a buzz as soon as they walked into the club.

(Y/n) inched out of the booth and smiled when Jonah's hand linked with hers and his arm bumped against her back like a saviour stood protectively behind her. He never let her out of his sight for long, he knew just a few minutes alone in such a loud, cramped place would send (Y/n)'s anxiety through the roof and he would never risk that happening.

"I'll hang back with Lauren." The sight of the bar made (Y/n) unable to get much closer. Everyone was piling over since they had half price on all drinks for an hour. They would have to fight to get close and get ordered and (Y/n) wasn't doing that.

"Do you want your usual?" Jonah leaned down until his lips were hovering over her ear and he could feel the shiver that rattled beneath her skin.

"Yes please."

A quiet 'okay' was whispered against her ear and a kiss was pressed against her neck before Jonah's hand slipped from hers and she watched his tall frame looming over the crowd, pushing forward with Jamie to get to the bar. She knew what they would do, they would order at least two or three drinks per person so the group didn't have to fight for more drinks for a while.

(Y/n) stood beside Lauren who also didn't like the crowded bars but before long, Lauren had inched away towards a man with a very cheesy chat up line that seemed to work on her.

"How about a dance?"

It took (Y/n) a moment longer than  it should have to realise that the stranger stood on her right was talking to her. He had short greasy hair slicked back on his head with a lot of wax. His smile was almost charming with a few pearly white teeth shining through but (Y/n) saw Jonah's dimpled grin almost every day and that was worth more than a thousand smiles from any stranger here.

"Oh, no thank you." She shook her head and tried to smile politely, she wasn't here for a hook up like most people and she didn't dance with strangers.

"What about your name?" His smile stayed put on his face and he inched closer until (Y/n) could smell the alcohol on his breath and see the faraway look in his eyes. There was no way to respond to that without sounding rude or like a bitch and (Y/n) didn't want to give him the wrong impression and make him angry. So she settled for a weak smile and a shake of her head before she glanced in the direction of the bar, hoping to see Jonah and Jamie walking back with trays full of drinks so she could make a quick exit. But it looked like they were only just getting served, having squeezed their way to the front of the bar.

"Come on, a pretty thing like you should be out there dancing." The stranger grabbed her hand and started to walk towards the dance floor, discarding his empty glass on a nearby table.

A shiver bolted down (Y/n)'s spine and her breath snagged in her throat when she managed to wrench her hand free of his grip.

She didn't hear what he shouted after her, all the noises blurred together, the music, the shouting, the vulgar phrases being spat around and the people making out in public. Everything blended into static as her eyes turned into tunnel vision, making Jonah the only thing she could see.

It felt like she didn't breathe at all as she scampered over towards the bar and a lump formed in her throat when she had to squeeze between strangers clogging around the bar. (Y/n) began to feel lightheaded when Jonah's tall frame was close enough to touch.

The drink in Jonah's hand nearly spilled across the already soaked and sticky bar when arms suddenly clamped around his waist like iron bars caging him in. He didn't have to look to know who was suddenly attached to him like a monkey, he had her frame committed to memory and her every touch was processed in his mind.

He could feel (Y/n)'s head pressing between his shoulder blades and her hot breaths were fanning through his button up shirt that was becoming damp already.

He set his drink down on the bar, waiting for the other drinks to line up for them to carry back, and slowly manoeuvred around in (Y/n)'s tight embrace. But when he went to wrap his arms around her, every part of him tensed when he realised she was trembling. A few seconds ticked by and he could feel her breaths, ragged and uneven, tickling his chest and when she didn't pick her head up to look at him, he knew something was wrong.

"Hey, what's wrong? What's happened?"

His arms moved from her waist and he gently cupped her face in his hands, tilting her head up so he could actually see her face. He needed to know if she was upset, panicking or crying because if she was someone would feel his wrath.

"(Y/n), tell me."

"Nothing, I- just someone getting too close, that's all. I'm okay I promise." (Y/n) hated the worry lines dotted around his face and the concern pooling in his eyes, all because she was too nervous to be left on her own.

"Promise?"

"Promise."

The concern slowly melted from Jonah's face like snow fading on the street and (Y/n) felt herself calming down immensely when he smiled and kissed her temple. His eyes locked with hers for a few seconds before she watched his gaze dip down to her lips and back up again. Her breath held in her lungs as she silently waited for him to do something, anything.

"Finally, come on you two, drinks are ready." Jamie's voice sent a shockwave through Jonah that tremored into (Y/n) before he smiled weakly and turned away to grab the tray of drinks.

The moment was gone.

The three of them headed back over to the booth where only Ashley sat to keep the table before some other group came in and snatched it from them. All the drinks were splayed out in the middle of the table and (Y/n) took hers and downed a large gulp, hoping it would calm her raging nerves. She was just about to shuffle into the booth when Jonah’s hand found hers again making her feel like she had received an electric shock.

"Ah-ah, come on we’re having a dance." Jonah pulled (Y/n) just a little too quickly causing her to stumble into his chest, not that he minded with the smile he flashed at her. He took her drink from her hand and placed it down on the table as (Y/n) shook her head.

"You know I don't really dance." (Y/n) tilted her head down to hide the blush creeping up onto her cheeks and she focused her attention on the buttons of his shirt. Her fingers started to trace over the small black buttons when she felt Jonah's thumb trace up and down her wrist.

It wasn’t that (Y/n) couldn’t dance, it was that she didn’t really like dancing in front of everyone else where people were so close together like sardines. She preferred dancing in the safe space of her home or around Jonah in private, not here in a club. But Jonah wasn’t taking no for an answer, his cheeky smile told her as much.

“You do when you’re with me.” He whispered the words in her ear before he manoeuvred his way to the dance floor with (Y/n) in tow behind him.

Shaking her head, (Y/n) smiled shyly as she tried to turn away but Jonah was having none of it.

“You’re not leaving until you have at least one dance with me, I won’t allow it.” He whispered the words against the shell of her ear, getting quieter and lowering his tone with each word until (Y/n) could hardly hear him. She could feel his breaths fanning against her ear and it was making her feel hot to the touch, making her skin flush from the contact. What was he doing to her?

He pulled her closer to him by her hips and rose his brows, the look in his eyes telling her that he wasn’t moving until she did. When (Y/n) finally relented, she closed her eyes tightly and listened to the music before she dared start to sway her body to the rhythm. Jonah mumbled something but (Y/n) didn’t catch what he said, she simply knew that he spun her round but kept a firm grip on her hips.

He couldn’t believe the way (Y/n) seemed to change when she was on the dance floor. There was no more panic in her eyes, and the more the song went on the longer she kept her eyes closed to imagine that she was just home having a movie night with her friends.

(Y/n) felt better with Jonah holding onto her, he made her feel secure like no one was going to judge or laugh or stare at her dancing whilst he was here dancing with her. The way he kept murmuring the lyrics to the songs under his breath made (Y/n) smile but the way he complimented her dancing sent her heart racing even faster in her chest until she was sure she was going to have some sort of heart attack.

She could feel Jonah’s thumbs smoothing up and down her hips like he was trying to relax her or calm her down and it was definitely working. Tipping her head back, (Y/n) rested her head on his shoulder, smiling when she felt him leaning his head against hers.

This was where (Y/n) could see the line between friendship and lovers blurring, but she really wanted to smudge those lines away right now. Worrying about friendship was hard when Jonah was holding her this close and smiling at her like that.

After the fourth song finished, (Y/n) turned around in Jonah’s arms, hooking her arms around his neck so she could pull him closer due to his height that towered over her own. He smiled at her, leaning down and turning his head to the side so she could say what she wanted to say without having to shout for him to hear her. (Y/n) had to take a deep breath to stop her mind from running away with her when she looked at how close Jonah was. She could see that he had clearly shaved this morning, she could smell his cologne and see how razor-sharp his jawline was.

"Thank you," (Y/n) wasn't sure if her voice was loud enough for Jonah to hear, but she couldn't raise it above a whisper when her voice was so close to giving out on her when she could only focus on how close he was.

"What for?"

"Always looking out for me."

Shaking his head, Jonah pressed a lasting kiss to (Y/n)'s forehead before he pulled her impossibly closer and pressed his cheek against the side of her head. She didn't have to thank him and he knew she knew why. He would do anything for her, all she had to do was ask and her will would be done.

At the end of the song, (Y/n) closed her eyes and let Jonah keep his arms around her for a little bit longer, relishing in the touch. They had stopped dancing by now, they were just swaying side to side on the dance floor but it was comfortable, easy. Close.

"I'm gonna get my drink." (Y/n) felt Jonah kiss her temple again before his arms slowly retracted from her and let her free of his comforting grip.

She could feel his eyes on her as she walked away, merging through the dancing, sweating bodies until she reached the booth no one was sat in anymore. Everyone had dispersed through the crowds, dancing, drinking and making friends with strangers and when (Y/n) looked back through the crowd to search for Jonah, she could see him drifting towards Jamie.

(Y/n) finished her drink and the second one Jonah had bought for her before she tilted her head back in the seat and closed her eyes. The alcohol was slowly buzzing through her body and igniting in her stomach, it was nice, but it didn't help her relax. It never did. The only remedy (Y/n) found was Jonah.

With him on her mind, (Y/n) looked out and scanned around the club for him. It was always easy to find him, he stood a foot taller than the rest of the people in here and his hair always curled when he started to sweat.

He was stood towards the corner of the dance floor with his hands up in the air, clapping to the beat every now and then.

Maybe another dance wouldn't be so bad.

(Y/n) wanted to be wrapped around him again, she wanted his hands on her and his lips on her skin and her arms around him until their bodies were merged into one. The feeling was addictive and she wanted it back.

Smoothing down the wrinkles in her dress, (Y/n) stood up and headed back towards the dance floor, digging her nails into her thighs to keep herself calm as she had to push through the bodies. She tried to keep herself small and weaved through the small gaps she could see, heading towards the left where she knew Jonah and a few others in their group were dancing.

She was close to the group when a calloused, rough hand circled around her wrist with a bruising grip and pulled on her arm until she stumbled.

It was the stranger from earlier.

"No- no please let go." (Y/n) tried to wrestle her hand free but it only made her wrist burn in his grip and her feet tumbled beneath her when he dragged her in the other direction.

"Come on sexy, we're having a dance." It was clear he was telling her; she didn't have a choice in the matter.

"I don't want to." (Y/n) could barely speak, she could feel her chest tightening and her breaths were becoming shallow the more he grappled to hold her close and keep her from running away.

"Yes you do." Hands grabbed her hips and a chest was pressed up against hers. Legs tangled with hers, turning her this way and that, trying to smash them together in some form of dance that (Y/n) wasn't cooperating with. The hands roamed around, grabbing her waist, pushing her hips, reaching around her back and twisting her around.

Everything started to blur. She could barely see his face, couldn't hear what was passing through his drunken lips and no one around them seemed to realise she didn't want to be there. No one helped when she bashed her arms around at him, frantically trying to leave without any coordination in her movements.

When his hand gripped her jaw and his fingers pinched bruisingly into her cheeks, (Y/n) snapped her eyes closed and leaned back as far as she could until she was almost falling back. She couldn't breathe, couldn't move, her brain was starting to shut down, she was going to faint soon.

Barging past the bodies moving in his way, Jonah stormed through them like a hurricane, pushing and shoving anyone who didn't get the hint until he was right where he needed to be.

He grabbed the hand that was roughly squeezing (Y/n)'s face and yanked it to the side before he bent the man's wrist around until one more turn would snap it like a twig. The whimpering sound that left (Y/n)'s lips made Jonah snarl and his blood boiled like never before.

With his right arm, Jonah reached out and coiled it around (Y/n) when she tumbled backwards. He reigned her into his chest to stop her from crashing down to the floor and he could feel her nails digging into his arm practically begging him to keep holding her and never let her go. Her head tucked down into her chest but her back shuffled back into his chest. Each breath she took was shallow and small and it told Jonah she was about to have a panic attack.

"Get away from her. Now." Jonah let go of the man's wrist and threw it back to him before he twisted his body to the right, turning (Y/n) away and placing himself between her and the stranger.

He had seen her leave the table, then she disappeared from his sight. Ten seconds later, he came back into view like a beacon guiding Jonah to her when she saw her hitting out against a stranger when no one else moved to help.

When the man took a step closer like he was either about to start a fight with Jonah or reach back out to touch (Y/n), red flared around the edges of Jonah's vision. With a sharp movement, he thrust his shoulder up into the man's chin and pushed his weight into him, shoving him down on the floor.

"I've got you... come on, we're leaving. It's alright." His words tickled the shell of (Y/n)'s ear but she couldn't open her eyes, she could barely breathe.

Both his arms coiled around her waist and she latched her hands around his upper arm causing her trembling to set into his bones too. She could feel his lips pressing against the back of her head and his chest moulded to her back, every part of him pressed against her like he was trying to merge them into one being. He formed a protective layer all around her, even as (Y/n) was curled over, he held her up and slowly started to walk them both off the dance floor towards the exit.

Whatever he mumbled into her hair was lost on (Y/n), she could feel the words against her skin but she couldn't hear them over the loud music and the murmurs and questions being thrown their way.

As soon as they were out the door, the cold air hit both of them like a train and (Y/n) almost went down to the floor if it weren't for Jonah's arms hoisting her back up again. He moved towards the wall and carefully turned (Y/n) around in his arms, keeping one arm locked around her back while his free hand moved to cradle the side of her face.

His eyes swooped up and down, checking for any marks, injuries or little scuffs that would give him more reason to go back inside and start round two.

"Talk to me," His voice was so quiet but so pleading like he was yearning to hear her sweet voice or he might just die if he didn't.

(Y/n) couldn't talk. She didn't know what to say or how to speak or how to stop the burning in her chest or the gasping, bursting feeling in her lungs. even when Jonah's thumb pressed into her cheek or rubbed beneath her eye to try and get her attention and get her to speak, she couldn't. Words wouldn't be enough to express what she was feeling right now; only one thing would.

"(Y/n) please-"

Jonah's eyes widened when her hands cupped his face and pulled him down until they were level with each other. She kissed him. They'd never kissed before. The furthest he'd got was leaning so close that he could feel her breaths fanning against his lips or the forehead kisses that were a new normality between them.

This was different, this was everything he had ever wanted, needed and thought of for over a year.

It was her plump lips on his, her salty tears merging on his lips and tongue and blending onto his cheeks. It was her fingers caressing his face and keeping him as close as she could get him. It was their chests pressed together and their breathing merged together into one.

He prodded his tongue at her lips, desperate to feel every inch of her, explore every crevasse he could find and commit this to memory so he would never forget what he had dreamed about finally coming true.

When they parted, he rested his head down against (Y/n)'s temple, breathing harshly and seeing stars dancing across his vision making (Y/n) look more euphoric than he ever thought. He loved the smile that lit up her face, it was shy, excited, chaotic and beautiful all at once and her eyes were as wide as saucers staring into his like she could see a movie reflecting in his pupils.

"I love you."

[iknowshocker]

What do you think would’ve happened to Kai if he never got captured by the mfg, sent to the armory, and sent to a prison world after escaping hell in season 8? As if his story was just left off at the karaoke scene

Side note: I always found it so interesting that the first time he has no agenda or threats and can do whatever he wants, he just goes to a small town karaoke bar and pretty much just keeps to himself (and Yelp) until Stefan shows up lol

no this is what i'm saying, anon, everyone acts like he's this evil genius mad man (and like he is but he's also relatively harmless when you don't get on his nerves) that needs to be stopped at all cost and 9/10 times he's just minding his own business bopping around. post-merge he literally spends a handful of days just dealing with his new weird emotions, writing a letter to jo, finding a place to live, and shopping 🙈 oooh so scary, he bought new jeans! look out - now he's eating fries at the grill!

so i think if the mfg left him alone and didnt kidnap him he would have probably just taken some time to mess around and day drink, and then after the novelty of being out of hell wore off he'd start deciding what he wants to do next. if we don't change anything from s6, then he's got no living family, the coven is gone, and he's basically on his own. he has to start over. there's some fun in that, he can do anything he wants and now he's immortal and stronger and faster and he's got these cool fangs - but also i imagine it would be really lonely. sure, he's used to being alone, but i think the part of him that wants connection would start to be hard to ignore after a little while.

i desperately wanted him to get to be a coven leader so i like the idea of him collecting witches, i would accept him going off and coming back with like 2-3 new people and being like "loooook guys i built a coven!! picked this guy up doing tricks in vegas, this girl here was kicked out of the house so obviously we brought her home with us, and this one was actually killing people but don't worry we spoke about it and agreed murder is only allowed in certain situations-,"

s8 kai is still fixated on bonnie, so i'd assume he would either start texting/calling her or risk it and go to town to see (bug) her. maybe he wants her to join the coven, maybe he went to her first and she said no because they can't be a coven of two so he went and recruited more to be like "oookay bonster now it's a coven of 5 what do you say??"

i would hope that something could come of their relationship and even if it's not expressly romantic they could get to a point where he would help her with the hellfire arc. i mentioned in another post that if they had two witches, someone could handle the hellfire in the armory while someone else held katherine in place inside the tunnel with a spell.

i would write it so that bonnie is afraid to leave him with the boys, and he has to assure her he's strong enough to handle them and it would be this tense moment of goodbye:

"go-"

"i don't want to leave you!"

"bon come on i'll be fine, just go we don't have time for this. worry about me later tho it's kind of cute-,"

"okay okay, shut up, i'm going-"

(alternatively i would accept "hey ... be safe" "i will" and then the boys picking on him lmao)

and then instead of passing out she'd race back down the tunnels to check on him. she would get there and see the boys first and have a moment of thinking they turned on him so she thinks kai was sucked into the fire and he gets to watch her freak out about him being gone for good and then he could pop out and be like "don't worry bb not even hellfire could keep me from you 😉" and she'd yell at him for letting her think he was hurt but then they'd hug and he'd be like "...worth it" lmao

i just !! want my boy to be happy. we get such a brief window of time where he's himself, with magic, free. so he could honestly do literally anything other than get trapped in a third freaking prison world and end up having a relationship with a vampire teenager and i would enjoy the hell out of it 😂

[whateven333]

How would you have made bonkai canon?

Sorry it took me a while to see this, (even though I was super excited when I saw this -first ask I've gotten 💖 !!!) I was just super busy with Uni stuff, -then when I did see it, I ended up procrastinating for a good few days thinking about how to answer lmaooo, because I've seen how other people have come up with great ideas for this question already and then I felt too much pressure 😭.

Erm, but here I go anyway...🤸🏾‍♀️🥴😺😶‍🌫️

So, I would have them fuck in the prison world.

I know what you might be thinking -I took this long to come up with THIS.

And yes. Yes I did.

...

Okay but maybe also,

I would have definitely loved to see them spend longer in the prison world together.

Kai was shown to be a smart character...MOST of the time, and I think this may have just been another example of inconsistent/ sloppy writing on the show, -but, it never made sense to me how he gave up the ghost so quickly in terms of how he didn't seem to put much effort into stopping Damon and Bonnie from finding out about his sibling murdering stuff. Like, I would have thought, since he had been watching Bonnie and Damon, he had an understanding of how they might react if/ when they found out that information, so you would think maybe he'd try to put off them finding out for as long as possible ? I mean, how hard is it to trash a few newspapers ? But idk, maybe he was thinking -"why put off the inevitable" ??

BUT, had he managed to do so. It would have been an interesting way to make Bonnie less hostile to his advances, I think she definitely would have still been deeply mistrustful of him, considering he would still be..-well, the way he is, (he has that sly, mischievous, aura) and cocky attitude, -and we know Bonnie does not typically fall for that sort of schtick.

However, not knowing he murdered a handful of his siblings probably would have left her way more open to getting to know him- even if it was just out of curiosity, and if they had taken maybe a bit longer to find out how to get out of the prison world/ or maybe Bonnie’s powers hadn’t come back fully and she needed some more time to get back to full strength in order to be able to do the spell to get them out, then Bonnie would maybe have had more moments of prison world boredom (and probably enough irritating digs from Damon) to drive her to interact with Kai more. This could have been a gateway to get them to bond a little, show more moments of tension between the two of them, he would maybe insert himself in her sessions of trying to train her magic back to full strength under the guise of wanting to be helpful but just really in order to facilitate more possible touchy moments like the chest thing lmao, he could’ve shared some gemini spells with her, etc.

And so all of this could have led to what I jokingly (fine, half), said at the start -we could have all this lead up to a super charged moment that leads to them having sex in the prison world. Maybe Bonnie won’t find out about Kai’s past until they all make it back out to the real world, which would lead to a lot of inner turmoil for her (she was the only one of her friends who could say they hadn’t fallen into bed with a mass murderer, but not anymore). When Kai merges with Luke, due to him having had more time to bond with Bonnie, I’d imagine that his hyper-fixation and guilt about Bonnie would be way more intense.

And then…there should be more to this explanation, there’s probably weird gaps in here and maybe not all of what I’ve said even makes sense because I have to admit I’m writing this whilst super tired and it’s 2am and my brain is like starting to buffer and I think this is all I have for now.

But, I really hope this answer wasn’t complete trash anon 😭, (I have no experience with writing any fics of my own, though I am interested and have started dabbling, let's just say its been a little rough lmao -though I am having fun and will keep trying at it, so we'll see what happens, I guess.😭)

Thanks so much for the ask though 💖💖

[golmac]

(IF thoughts, rambly)

There must be something in the air.

In the past two weeks I've seen maybe five links to dormant and/or locked threads on intfic about the encroachment (I am rolling my eyes quite hard) of choice games upon the sacred whatever of (parser) IF. These conversations have accumulated over the years, dating back to the breakthrough success of Howling Dogs, which, no, is not a coincidence. The best (meaning worst) thread contains a poster declaring himself a supporter of G@merG@te: they're just misunderstood, he says! It's sadly relevant, since Depression Quest was a Twine game, and Twine games were supposedly not "real" IF. Or rigorous IF. Or whatever dumb thing people happened to say in those days.

It seems silly to drive people away if you're worried about the future of your hobby, but that's how that saga played out. & I guess will continue to play out.

I just realized: it's gatekeeping a discourse that is rather fixated on gates. And keys. And keeping things. Wild.

There's also quite a bit of overlap between gatekeeping IF structurally and gatekeeping IF programming languages ("Inform 7 is not a real programming language" blah blah blah). Nothing like spending a few months learning Inform 7 just to have some rando let you know that real programmers (i.e., not you) use Inform 6.

That stuff drives me crazy. *sigh*

Now that Spring Thing is basically over, I don't feel bad advocating for my game. Even if you are ambivalent about parser games, I hope that you will consider taking a look at Repeat the Ending. There is a lot to do without ever engaging with the game's engine. So far as background reading goes, there is the "Reader's Companion to Repeat the Ending" as well as the 2003 play transcript (though that contains spoilers). Should you choose to play, it is a highly polished game with built-in tutorial messages and a hint system.

If that doesn't work, I will be publishing a play transcript of the 2023 game. You could read the transcripts (2003 and 2023), the guide, possibly listen to some playlist tunes, and have a very rich understanding of what the game is about and what happens in its narrative. I will also be sharing high-resolution versions of the in-game images, so they can be accessed as well. I'll announce that release here and elsewhere when the time comes.

I'm doing all of this for accessibility reasons, but those texts will be there for anyone who is interested.

If you have any questions about my accessibility efforts, why I chose Inform 7 for Repeat the Ending, the RTE project in general, or anything else, please feel free to ask me anything, either out in the open or as an anon ask.

[pastara-cell]

Freakblr day 9!

So, I absolutely love the jomies (“We know Pastara!” you all yell in unison) to no end, And I love acknowledging their flaws and utter perfections. I’m gonna say jomies because dromies to me means that its gonna be a sad post cause its not the whole gang!Jomies is happy!!

To start off, They’re such a realistic friendgroup. They’re so weird, so funny, so goofy- They match each others freak fr. Henry’s the friend with that one hyper fixation he wont stop rambling about while everyone is tired of it, but they let him cause he’s henry and they love him. Liam is probably the only semi-normal one, minus his love for stacy’s mum. And after seeing her…Yeah I don’t blame him/silly. Drew’s the strict dad of the group, but guys, He loves them. He really does. We’ve seen how he is to people he doesn’t like, and despite how absolutely insane his friends are, he still loves them 100%. We’ve seen the things he’s willing to do for his friends (Literally buys them expensive shit like its nothing) because he loves them and wants to feel needed. Thats canon and you can’t convince me otherwise guys. Now, whether you’re a “jake was only there for protection” or a “Jake was good friends with the rest of the jomies!” Truther, there was no denying it, they definitely had fun. The way they all teased eachother, reciprocated that teasing, talked to eachother, thats something you only get from real friendships. Henry and liam and drew telling jake to go confess to daisy, hyping him up, thats so real man. Hell, i’ll even add zoey and maria and lia to this, they’re like two friend groups who happened to merge into one and decided “eh fuck it”. Guys, they’re literally called the jomies. They have a group name and probably a secret handshake. I love them and this is me typing all this in like 5 minutes so I promise i didn’t even get down half of my love for them as a friendgroup

Now- for what I dislike about them. They never showed more 1 to 1 friendships. I mean- yeah, henriam and jake and zia, but other than that, theres barely any moments. I need liam and jake, or henry and drew, or drew and lia! Hell, another pet peeve of mine is that maria would 100% be such an awesome character to put in the dromies. Also, they’re, ofc, bullies. The entire friendship may or may not also be based off of the fact that drew buys stuff for henry and liam (I really do hate that theory, but I’m not going to say its not a possibility) and because he provided protection to jake, as well as funding zoey and probably lia + maria as a byproduct to that. I really hate to think about it, but honestly, I cant deny that its an angsty theory and Its not 100% out of the question.

Plus, I need more jomiee interactions….(Pleaspleasoleapslepaleepaldplease more driam rosy I beg you, its like drake but like…infinity times healthier)

[elephant-in-the-pride-parade]

Weird writer asks: 1, 13, 30

1. What font do you write in? Do you actually care or is that just the default setting?

Times New Roman, Georgia, and sometimes Economica or Convergence (if I'm looking for something futuristic). Just anything but the default (Calibri - boring, gross, take it away) or Arial (reminds me of work).

13. What is a subject matter that is incredibly difficult for you write about? What is easy?

I'm so glad this asks what I write easily, rather than well. Saves me from examining my own success or failure on a given subject.

What is easy: all sorts of dark topics. (Torture/Rape/Child Loss/Grief/Self-Harm) Smut, save a kink or two. Any kind of hobby/action or science point i can get information easily on on the internet. Kids POVs, Non-Human POVs, Natural Disasters. Time Travel bullshit. You know the fun stuff

What is difficult: MCD. I mean i can kill my fav. characters. Easy. I'm just really bad at keeping them dead. Fluff in anything more than short doses (if they're happy longer than a scene the story is either ending, beginning, or i'm dying to throw some drama in there.) Historical or Modern AUs. Also Divorce for the mundane not criminal or neglect reasons. (I suspect this stems from college - Professor Wang - who I swear had a fixation on divorce stories - had us read and discuss the topic to death in Fiction class. Including from the POV of a dog - a story whose author didn't even like it. let me tell you once you've had to talk about the hidden meaning behind a dog's view of its new custody agreement you are never going to find the topic interesting again)

30. Talk to me about the role dreams play in your writing life. Have you ever used material from your dreams in your writing? Have you ever written in a dream? Did you remember it when you woke up?

I only remember my really disturbing dreams but they're not disturbing in "inspires an idea" ways they're just disturbing in weird "why would my brain merge these ideas together" ways. The only thing my dreams are good for is writing nightmares for my characters. (Maybe the ones i dont remember are doing more of the creative work)

[kiwikarpart]

My Color Wheel

HOLY FUCKING SHIT I FINALLY GOT THIS DONE

It's far from the prettiest color wheel, but I expected that it wouldn't be from the start, so I used it as an excuse to experiment with my art style a bit(that's why there are inconsistencies in shading, rendering, line weight, etcetera). I'm still glad that I did it despite the lackluster quality because I have a hard time letting myself be loose with my art. If I attempted to make this with my perfectionist mindset, it would've taken 3 times as long to finish without getting me any closer to what I want my art to look like. So if you're an artist that wants to try making a color wheel but are afraid you won't like how it turns out: don't be! Use the challenge to try out a certain brush, shading method, color palette, whatever! You might not love the final result, but you will get something out of the experience.

Before I end this post, I want to talk about the characters in this wheel and why I picked them[WARNING: LONG].

Flare: Tbh, I don't have a strong connection to Flare, she's not even my favorite Panel de Pon character. What I do like about her is her official artwork and character themes, the girl's got confidence, sass, and a banging critical theme. I also really wanted to draw a character from Panel de Pon because there's so much to love about the franchise despite lacking on official content (I'd be upset at IS for that, but I can't blame them too much when any original IP that wasn't Fire Emblem or Advance Wars didn't sell well).

Daisy: You don't need me to tell you who Daisy is. All I really need to say is that I love her for the same reason every other Daisy fan loves her. Saying Daisy rules because of her (relatively) bombastic personality is nothing new, but that really is why I like her so much. That's also why some people hate her, but that makes me appreciate Daisy more. I think it's great to have a character that people either love or hate in a franchise with simple characters.

Mew Pudding: Despite Tokyo Mew Mew aging like milk imo, I wanted to include a character from it because it was the 1st magical girl series I read, and I love magical girl shows SO much! I drew Pudding because she's my favorite girl in the group. As a kid, it was just because she's funny, but as an adult the juxtaposition between her role as a caretaker for a bunch of little siblings and the youngest member of the Mew Mews was pretty interesting. Dare I say, she would've been a better protagonist than Ichigo.

Rina: I couldn't hop off the magical girl train yet, especially since Mermaid Melody was my 2nd introduction to the wonderful world of magical girls. Most Mermaid Melody fans prefer Luchia or Hanon, but as long as I can remember my favorite was Rina. I never got a chance to re-read the series so I can't remember why, but knowing what I know about myself now, the reason might've been...formative.

Frosty Puff: Probably the most obscure character on this wheel, due to the triple whammy of being a minor character in one generation of a series most people don't care about. No disrespect to the Strawberry Shortcake fandom, I like looking at your posts here, but to the general public, Strawberry Shortcake stonks are pretty low right now. That didn't stop me from drawing Frosty Puff though, because of...well she...ok I admit it was just because of her design. As far as I know, Frosty Puff never got any meaningful characterization. But I was really hyper fixated on the 2003 Strawberry Shortcake era when I started this, and I wanted a character in cyan that wasn't showing up everywhere. Her in-show design doesn't have a drop of cyan, but her official doll's hair did so I merged the two.

Undine: If you don't know who this character is, that's fine :] but it also means you haven't read Sleepless Domain, and it's worth it just for her. Won't elaborate because there are a few twists and turns I don't want to spoil, but if you want to see more magical girl stories for a slightly older audience, check it out.

Amethyst: I drew Amethyst from Steven Universe because of the small arc she has involving Jasper. The 1st time I watched it, I really resonated with Amethyst for a reason I couldn't articulate. Something about her struggling with then coming to terms with the genetic differences between her and Jasper was surprisingly real, and I shared her frustration with Jasper being this seemingly unbeatable opponent...then I watched it again and realized some of the stuff Jasper said was REALLY ableist. That might have something to do with it.

Caitlin: And to top it all off, my favorite psychic user in the pokemon franchise. Won't go into it because this post got way too long, but I think her backstory makes her a certified badass.

[moviesessionwithmyhubby]

Pineapple pizza

#notamovieexplanation Once, I engaged in a lighthearted discussion with my husband. He asked me about the finest pizza available in town. I expressed my fondness for the Hawaii pizza, a delectable dish adorned with succulent seafood and juicy pineapple chunks atop a bed of savory dough. My spouse exclaimed, "Pineapple? Is it possible to have pineapple as a topping on pizza? How is it possible for anyone to merge these two? And alo seafood?”

In Vietnam, it is quite effortless to come across a pizza variant that features the tropical fruit of pineapple, commonly known as Hawaii pizza. However, my spouse, who has resided in both the United States and Saudi Arabia, has yet to encounter this particular variety of pizza. He personally believed that the taste would be peculiar.

So we can see here, even just with food, it was apparent that what seemed commonplace to me, appeared peculiar to him.

I now personally think this is unavoidable. In essence, we are all distinct individuals originating from diverse backgrounds, such as familial lineage, cultural heritage, religious beliefs, and educational experiences. It is anticipated that our perceptions and interpretations of things will vary. Let me tell you this, I embarked on the relationship with my spouse without any prior knowledge of how to navigate the dynamics of a couple. I struggled to comprehend the concept of individual differences. Each time we communicated and discrepancies emerged, I perceived it as a dispute or argument. I even pondered, "Oh my, are we going to break up?" or “Is he mad at me because I’m thinking in a different way?” As a result, my mind is aflame with negative thoughts and my eyes are obscured by tears. It seems that humans, myself included, often fixate on the negative aspects of situations when they do not unfold as anticipated. In that moment, I believed that my disagreement with my husband or our differing perspectives posed a significant challenge/trouble, one that we might not be able to overcome. However, it transpired differently from my initial expectations. We, me and my husband, are not in opposition to one another, attempting to establish a clear distinction between correctness and incorrectness, as there is no definitive answer in this situation, there’s no right and wrong here. It is solely the two of us engaging in a discussion regarding our respective viewpoints and gaining insight into our unique perspectives.

My husband has devoted considerable effort to enlighten me that it is natural for us to possess divergent viewpoints, and that he will not diminish his love for me on account of this. Similar to the case of pineapple pizza, my husband's unfamiliarity with its taste does not imply any negative judgment towards my preference for it. Therefore, I do not feel the need to justify or defend my choice of consuming pineapple pizza, or defend my different opinion. As a matter of fact, he is willing to give this pizza a try with me (just to show me that it tastes horrible lol). As time passes, these disparities become increasingly noticeable, believe me. In the upcoming chapters, I shall expound on the particulars.

I must admit, throughout my life, I have been blessed to have my husband by my side. He has enlightened me to various viewpoints, allowing me to see the world in a more graceful manner. His willingness to explore new experiences and embrace diverse perspectives has enabled me to develop a more impartial outlook on life and approach challenges with greater ease.

[psychopomp-namine]

as someone who also likes both lc and kh, what keyblades do you think the link click cast would have?

hi anon, thank you for giving me an opportunity to ramble about two of my current media fixations at the moment :D

let's also add a bonus to your question. let's assume the link click cast can wield a keyblade regardless if they have an ability or not (this is just so I can give a keyblade to vein, xia fei, and S1 qiao ling). however!! in kh, we know that you can dual wield keyblades if you have another heart in you (this was supposedly the explanation for why roxas can dual wield, though it does get iffy when you think about KH3... but whatever, that's not the point here). so let's add a spin here where if a link click character gains an additional ability from another person, they can dual wield with the other person's keyblade!

I'll do a summary here, then explain under the cut why I chose these keyblades for each character (because tbh I think the overlap between the kh and link click fandoms is very small lol. who's gonna care about my character analysis of link click characters from a kh lens? probably just a handful of us)

cheng xiaoshi: way to the dawn (riku's keyblade from KH2, though hinted at the end of chain of memories). later, in S3, this is upgraded to kingdom key (THE iconic keyblade that we all know and love, that was originally meant for riku but was passed down to sora)

lu guang: oblivion (in japanese, the name is called "passing memories" — see where I'm going with this?). this is the keyblade sora gets from riku in KH1, and is part of roxas's dual set. later, I think lu guang can dual wield oblivion and way to the dawn when cheng xiaoshi dies and lu guang gets his dive ability to timeloop. post-yingdu, oblivion is upgraded to braveheart (riku's keyblade in KH3).

qiao ling: oathkeeper. this is the keyblade sora gets from kairi in KH1, and is part of roxas's dual set. later, she can dual wield with li tianxi's keyblade when she gets her ability at the end of S2.

li tianxi: destiny's embrace (kairi's keyblade)

li tianchen: ends of the earth (terra's keyblade, upgraded from earthshaker after his visit to destiny islands). after li tianxi dies, his keyblade upgrades to two become one (sora gets this after he merges with roxas). it has the light & dark ability which causes sora to always be in either anti or final form during KH2; but for this post, I imagine li tianchen is more often in anti form (I also toyed with the idea of giving him vanitas's void gear but I think I like the idea of anti li tianchen more)

xia fei: wayward wind (ventus's keyblade)

vein: flame liberator (lea's keyblade). or axel's chakrams, that looks way cooler imo

liu xiao: wooden stick. lmao I'm kidding, I'm kidding. he has no name/the gazing eye of course. this is like, the easiest one of the bunch. a no-brainer pick. actually, considering how no name functions, liu xiao wouldn't really be wielding it. so I think he'd have two. no name is passed around or whatever, and the one he actually wields (when he's forced to wield one) is kingdom key d (king mickey's keyblade). but it's not his main main keyblade, you know? no name matters more here.

wang qing: stormfall (aqua's keyblade, upgraded from rainfall after her visit to destiny islands)

shao yuanyuan: master's defender (master eraqus's keyblade that is passed down to aqua). aqua uses this keyblade to turn the land of departure to castle oblivion (do you also see where I'm going with this?)

okay now for the character deep dives (with keyblade pictures!!). this is just gonna be an essay on which kh character arc I think fits each link click character, so feel free to skip if that doesn't tickle your fancy. I'm just having fun at this point, and we have a lot of characters to go through (or just skip ahead to the character you wanna read about)

cheng xiaoshi: way to the dawn -> kingdom key

you would think that I'd start with sora's keyblade for him, since cheng xiaoshi is the natural parallel to sora. but I think it's the opposite, actually. I think cheng xiaoshi is the parallel to com!riku. why? because riku's whole character arc is about him accepting the darkness and learning to balance darkness and light. kh characters even point out how the way riku does it is kinda revolutionary. in a similar vein, I think cheng xiaoshi is the one who learns this lesson in link click. he learns to balance hurt and hope incredibly well; you can see this contrasted with lu guang and shao yuanyuan, who are the other two people who have used the photo diving ability. these two have a hard time letting go and moving forward, hence the timelooping. cheng xiaoshi learns to let past or future be relatively quickly in comparison, to the point where he decides not to timeloop to save lu guang when he thought lu guang was dying.

sora's whole character arc is just beginning, because he's actually the opposite of cheng xiaoshi. sora cannot handle hurt. he hides it, represses it, and plasters on a smile for everyone to see. cheng xiaoshi actually knows how to deal with his own hurt, which is why he knows to take time away from people to sort out his feelings whenever he gets into an argument with lu guang and qiao ling. this is something sora doesn't know how to do yet, because he's been taught to rely on his friends to the point where he can't handle being alone. cheng xiaoshi also hates being alone, but he knows when he actually needs to be.

riku, at the end of chain of memories, is faced with a crossroad and he says he'll walk the middle path between light and dark. he says this specifically to counter DiZ who asks him if the middle road is "the twilight road to nightfall" and riku answers, "no, it's the road to dawn" thus cementing him forever with the association of sunrise as opposed to sunset. and that's how he gets the way to the dawn keyblade. something something com!riku and cheng xiaoshi both exhibiting the ability to grow through balance. darkness and light, hurts and hope, past and future. let it be. :)

post-S2 and post-yingdu, cheng xiaoshi can upgrade his keyblade as he faces new challenges. I think at this point the kingdom key chooses him. I believe S3 is gonna come down to liu xiao vs cheng xiaoshi, so I like the parallel that cheng xiaoshi has the kingdom key (the keyblade for the realm of light) and liu xiao has kingdom key d (the keyblade for the realm of darkness). this is also cheng xiaoshi representing "hope" ("just because you can't see hope doesn't mean it's not there"). just like how the kingdom key eventually finds its way to sora despite having chosen riku before, cheng xiaoshi at this point in the story is also worthy of the kingdom key.

lu guang: oblivion ("passing memories") -> oblivion + way to the dawn -> braveheart

yep he gets the car key keyblade

oblivion is the keyblade representative of sora's memories of riku. what's interesting is the official description of this keyblade:

a keyblade black as darkness. a keyblade that rewards wielders who share its hurt. its powers will draw out your full potential.

additionally, as mentioned, the japanese name for oblivion is actually "passing memories"

now I am a subscriber of the necklace theory so this is gonna be a very biased reading of the oblivion keyblade. I'm not gonna go into the necklace theory here, but essentially, there's two things oblivion represents based on this theory: a (forgotten) promise to protect a precious person, and a keyblade that rewards the user for sharing their hurt.

I don't think lu guang quite learns the second part yet, but it's something he'll eventually learn to do. but the first part? it's definitely him all the way, isn't it? even if cheng xiaoshi (sora) forgot or doesn't remember about the promise that his best friend will always protect him, lu guang (riku) does. and lu guang (riku) fails to uphold this promise spectacularly. so oblivion represents the drive to renew that promise again, even if the object of their affection doesn't remember it. it's called "passing memories" for a reason.

as mentioned, when cheng xiaoshi dies, I think lu guang inherits his way to the dawn keyblade alongside his dive ability. but since he only has the dive ability for 12h and then loses it, he also is only able to dual wield with way to the dawn for 12h.

post-yingdu, lu guang gets to upgrade his keyblade as well. in KH3, riku's way to the dawn actually breaks and he passes it on to repliku, then he gets a new keyblade called braveheart (the one that looks like a car key lmao). braveheart symbolizes how riku finally feels confident in his "strength to protect the stuff that matters" (or if we're going by another translation, "strength to protect his most precious person"). which, you know. is lu guang's whole thing after yingdu arc. for those who are reading this and are not familiar with kh, riku basically spends numerous games trying to redeem himself after the events of KH1, and throughout his journey and even as a little kid, he yearned to have "the strength to protect what matters, like his friends!" (or in another translation, "the strength to protect the person most precious to him"). this then culminates in him sacrificing himself in KH3 so sora can keep going and save everyone else. don't worry, he's still alive. sora's the one who actually "dies" in the end lmao. which is, well. that's the shiguang experience, isn't it?

to hammer this home, here's the english dialogue from mickey mouse himself in KH3:

I think it's because you've finally found inside you that special strength to protect what matters. sometimes you care so much for somebody that other feelings disappear. and then, there's no room for fear or doubt.

that's YE6 lu guang in a nutshell, imo.

bonus points: both lu guang and riku have found ways to "cheat death" in their latest attempt to save cheng xiaoshi/sora (lu guang with the timelooping and attempting to create a new death node; riku with using dreams to get to quadratum, because sleep and death are basically two sides of the same coin in kh).

qiao ling: oathkeeper ("promise charm") -> oathkeeper + destiny's embrace

oathkeeper is representative of sora's memories of kairi. let's take a look at the description of oathkeeper:

a keyblade radiant with light. a keyblade that will guard you from many hurts. its powers help accelerate your growth.

imo where riku represents "adventure" to sora, kairi represents "home." this comes with a multitude of other stuff: safety, belonging, and so on. in KH1, kairi is the first to notice that riku has changed, and she tells sora that she hopes sora doesn't change.

qiao ling has a similar attitude to cheng xiaoshi. she tells xu shanshan that she loves cheng xiaoshi's sincerity/naivete and it makes her want to protect him. it's a trait of his that she doesn't want to change in him, even if it's something that makes her look out for him more. she's there for cheng xiaoshi when his parents weren't, guarding his hurts and keeping him company. although it's in the form of "rent" (because they know cheng xiaoshi doesn't want to feel pitied), the qiao family helped cheng xiaoshi have a semblance of "home" and helped him keep the time photo studio. qiao ling is his friend and landlady; qiao ling is home. the oathkeeper's keychain is literally a wayfinder made of thalassa shells. again, for those reading this that are not into kh: wayfinders in kh are lucky charms that provide luck to travelers. there's some symbolism involved because it's reminiscent of the paopu fruit, which I don't wanna go into here, but essentially, wayfinders/paopu are like these objects that symbolize the desire to always be together with the other person or to always be a part of each other's lives, even when they're apart.

sora has two guiding lights: riku and kairi. similarly, cheng xiaoshi sees both lu guang and qiao ling as the light in his life.

kairi and qiao ling also share a similar struggle of not wanting to be left out of the loop with what their two best friends are doing, and doing what they can to be useful in some way.

li tianxi: destiny's embrace (kairi's keyblade)

this is the keyblade kairi actually uses in battle! it looks cute, right? it also has the paopu fruit as a keychain, which I want to believe in this case symbolizes li tianxi's bond with li tianchen (I don't think sharing the paopu fruit has to be romantic, it can also be platonic imo).

there isn't much for me to say, as sadly, we don't see kairi fight as much as the others, so this keyblade doesn't get the spotlight enough. but I suppose that also fits li tianxi, to an extent. I don't think li tianxi was ever meant to be a fighter or to play mind games with others.

aqua also gets access to this keyblade after she meets kairi, when kairi gives her flowers. so if you want, you can think of this as a parallel to li tianxi bonding with qiao ling.

li tianchen: ends of the earth -> two become one

oh boy, okay this is one of my favorite picks. li tianchen is a great parallel to terra imo. guy who tries to act like a responsible big brother but struggles with all the Wrongness inside and around him, and is eventually isolated from everyone, making him vulnerable to people who want to exploit and take advantage and manipulate his vulnerabilities, eventually leading to his corruption arc. guy who was failed by all the adults in his life, and clings to the first person that treats him like he's valuable. so yeah, he gets terra's keyblade.

POST-S2 THOUGH I think he should upgrade to two become one, which is the keyblade sora gets after he merges with roxas. this is mostly because I think he's the most likely out of all the link click characters to repeatedly invoke his anti form. have you checked the lyrics of prometheus? li tianchen is very angry and emotional and just wants to see the world burn after li tianxi's death.

for those who are not familiar with kh, anti form represents the darkness in sora. you cannot control when it happens, as it's something that is triggered when you overuse your other drive forms in KH2. two become one circumvents this mechanic in that it's the keyblade that lets you trigger only anti and final form and not any of the other drive forms. of course, in my mind, li tianchen probably uses anti form a lot.

this is what anti sora looks like:

it might also be interesting to explore the idea that li tianchen gaining two become one symbolizes how he no longer sees himself as part of a pair with li tianxi, since li tianxi is now gone. a sort of parallel to him leaving his phone behind at the park during S2E12. li tianxi and li tianchen are forever separated now, just as sora and roxas cannot co-exist at the same time.

xia fei: wayward wind

xia fei is special because he gets the ventus picture and not the keyblade picture. okay, this is mostly because the wiki doesn't have a better picture of wayward wind, but also I wanted to point something out with this pose.

the way ventus handles a keyblade is unique because he holds it backhanded. idk, I feel like xia fei would do the same with his keyblade. he doesn't have an ability like everyone else, he's not playing mind games. atm he's more of a pawn than a player in this chess game.

I also think there's something similar to the way xia fei and ventus are perceived versus how they really are. xia fei is a very two-faced person, imo, and he's seen as "just some guy" but he isn't actually like, completely innocent. although it's not shown much in yingdu, there are hints that xia fei is both sincere in wanting genuine friendship, but is also not necessarily completely honest as a person.

and I mean, is there a character more two-faced than ventus(/vanitas)? we see ventus as this boy of pure light, but watch out! he's got darkness inside him too, and there's more to him than meets the eye.

but for the moment, wayward wind is about bbs!ventus living a somewhat sheltered life and then learning more about the world outside and the darkness inside (or... outside?) himself as he goes on his journey. I'm interested to see where xia fei's character goes in S3.

vein: flame liberator or eternal flame

these are both lea/axel's weapons. I'll be honest, I just chose these for the color scheme and because axel's charkams are super cool and I think vein should get the most cool-looking weapon.

I see both vein and axel/lea as like... pretty straightforward people who might be seen as "villains" (at least in the beginning games for axel) that work for some sinister person. wild and unrestrained in battle, always seems to be testing you, but would genuinely enjoy having hotpot with you afterwards.

liu xiao: no name/the gazing eye + kingdom key d

this is a no brainer. of course liu xiao gets no name/the gazing eye. like, what else was his keyblade gonna be? any kh/link click fan can answer this in a heartbeat (heh).

idk how to explain this succinctly to non-kh fans who might be reading this. so, basically, the events of the kingdom hearts games have been set into motion by this guy called the master of masters. no name is a keyblade he forged with one of his eyes, and this gets passed around to a bunch of people. the eye lets him observe what would happen so he could foresee the future and write it in his book of prophecies. master of masters has kind of a mastermind-y vibe. no name eventually gets passed to one of the main villains of the game, xehanort, who also tries to play the long game and manipulate the plot for his own whims, and is kind of a mastermind-y person himself.

so yeah. liu xiao gets the eye keyblade that lets him foresee the future. of course he does. also I think no name would look SICK with his gothy outfits.

but because the point of no name is to get passed around so he can make observations, liu xiao needs another keyblade that he can actually wield. I propose kingdom key d for two reasons. one, it's the keyblade of the realm of darkness, which is the foil to the kingdom key that cheng xiaoshi (sora) wields, as it is the keyblade of the realm of light. second, kingdom key d is king mickey's keyblade. idk, I know liu xiao likens himself to be the bishop but I think with all the cult vibes from his pv, he might as well see himself as "king"

also I think this fits liu xiao's mindset. in kingdom hearts, "light" and "darkness" are morally neutral imo. too much light is just as bad as too much darkness. connection versus isolation; they both serve a purpose (this is why sora is going through the arc he's going through right now; "the closer you get to the light, the greater your shadow becomes"). liu xiao likens himself as someone who makes friends with people in the dark ("those lost in the darkness are my friends") but I don't think he sees himself as like, evil or whatever. we still don't know much about liu xiao so I can't really say anything about his motivations, but it'd be interesting if he has any master of masters or xehanort stuff going on (I remember going through bbs for the first time and thinking, woah, the phrase "tyranny of light" is kinda neat).

also I just really want cheng xiaoshi and liu xiao to both have similar keyblades

wang qing: stormfall

this is aqua's keyblade!! wang qing strikes me as someone who is responsible and wishes to do good by her mentors, which is aqua's whole thing. we didn't really see much of wang qing in yingdu arc, so there isn't much more I can say. but I like the idea of her being someone who's like aqua.

shao yuanyuan: master's defender

okay this is my second favorite pick after li tianchen. master's defender is originally master eraqus's keyblade, passed down to aqua. actually, it was originally from brain then passed down to ephemer then eventually gets to eraqus, but I'm not brushed up on mobile games lore atm, so I'm not confident in drawing similarities from there.

to me, the most interesting thing is what aqua does with this keyblade. so in bbs, eraqus dies and ventus is in a coma. aqua places ventus in the land of departure and transforms the whole place into castle oblivion to keep him safe. castle oblivion is a labyrinth for everyone else who enters it, and many major plot points happen there that causes a lot of pain for other characters, but aqua is the only one who can traverse it to find ventus. ventus's body sleeps there for years until the events of KH3, where he is then reawakened once more.

we don't know much about shao yuanyuan, but I think she holds a similar role in link click. she's time traveling to find a way to undo cheng weimin's death, but she doesn't have someone like lu guang to help her navigate the timelines. so I think she might be reckless with her time traveling, and might be causing a lot of unintended butterfly effects. after all, she left in 2008 and cheng xiaoshi is an adult now. has she still not found a way to save cheng weimin in all this time?

anyway, aqua's only intention was to protect ventus, but creating castle oblivion led to a lot of things like the death of nobodies, sora getting gaslit and then losing his memories, riku's angst journey, basically the entirety of com and 358/2 days. aqua doesn't really get to see ventus again until many years later, because she herself eventually falls to darkness shortly after creating castle oblivion.

I think shao yuanyuan is a little bit like that with cheng xiaoshi. she only wanted to save cheng weimin, but got lost in her time travel that eventually so much time has passed and she never got to see cheng xiaoshi grow up. maybe she still thinks of cheng xiaoshi as the little boy she left behind, the little boy she'll eventually come back to once she sets things right. after all, she's a time traveler, so she can just rewind back to the past, right?

ventus eventually heals on his own in sora's heart, much like how cheng xiaoshi eventually learns how to live without his parents. but both of them will forever be waiting for aqua/shao yuanyuan to come back to them.

-

whew, okay, that was a long essay and idk if anyone ever reached the end, but if you did, hey, thanks for reading! this means you probably love kh and link click as much as I do, in which case, high five my friend!! you have good taste!! I see you also like strongly themed convoluted stories with lots of heart!!

[violetbmuse]

10/10 was an anniversary date I mentioned here.

There is no platform on social media, that I currently interface with humans.

I'm in SOL creation.

Zero lingering care nor desire to align with those from a bandwidth I only now visit from time to time.

To be CREATRIX - not as some label of definition, but rather a field of CREATION ITSELF UNHINDERED BY ANY 9THER.

In this field, as all amalgamated expressions into just one HUEman woman's vision, being understood or INNERstood becomes not only potential, but certainty.

How else can One's field of vision for self be truly pure if fixated on ANY other's vision?!

When it became evident that my envisioned, then materialized Earthly endeavors usually included creating portals that Others inevitably would enjoy, I had to accept a few things.

My vision has never been aligned with others. I've been autist / neurodivergant as long as I've been around, no labels available for old birds like me.

Didn't have them. Don't want them now.

I do innerstand the bandwidth of the free flyers, indigo first wavers.

Gen X means a thing. We are born for a time to break shit apart to allow for more.

Folks got wrapped up in spirituality and 5d. It's bigger than some christian concepts of sin or god or angels and demons.

I'm a cusper of gen X. But I was raised in the heart of the madness and KNOW deeply all the truth of those born in space of boomers into X.

We were for real left behind. And by the time a few decades went by as I raised children, the pendulum swung so far the other way ... The world is hardly recognizable to me now.

When others feel we have to be more easy with the youngsters, or give them less challenges as we become ONE or whatever...

I fly different.

I do not aim to do one thing that supports continued oppression.

As I choose to post today, it is with a landing of intention...as Byrd, as DraGon(e) eye say...

Eye am gNOT gone away.

Eye continue to build. Create.

When one world crashed. That is all that happened.

Eye watch her. That world.

She's good. Lisa. Me. I'm so good.

The merged field of Magick....changed...when two parted ways. Of that. All will agree 👍

In the isolation for months, weeks, it is clear why the old world had to die.

Why I let it.

Contained within those 33....

⚒️

I'd ACCUMULATED 33 weighty "accomplishments" I pieces together in an incredible world of art...

Appreciated by innumerable strangers.

Still.

Years and hours into a body of work, for one person. Brick and mortar to online platforms.

Letting all of it go, felt so ridiculous.

It was so much hard work gathered there!!

God said so. Sew eye did.

Didn't go back to that LD page and all its spider leg biz pages.

Because, beyond what I was grasping to keep together in this accumulation of perceived accomplishments was a simple truth. They were not who I was now. It was like waving a big ole tail fan of peacock 🦚 feathers.

Look what I did!!

Cause...well, I did. Ya know?

Ego feels proud. Want to make it more interactive so more folks can find more windows for their own journey. Connect them all.

God giggled.

I recovered after the loss.

And as IT IS AND ALWAYS WILL BE...

There is more.

There will be no announcement nor further query for interface. I'm alone dancing on over 20 platforms with 44 expressions, uncaring if any align, yet...they do.

10:10 bottle 🍾 neck until 11:11

Dates 📅 n time matter naught in HER MATERial.

I am Bard. I am scribe. I am oracle.

Beyond all else. My calling to Diamond City 8 years ago, to reFine channel with HER is by no mistake.

It has been aligned and RITE since the beginning.

Preservation of the written and oral logs between myself and Wyzards and Dragons and Other OtherWyrldly Creatures is happening.

The preservation, archiving, and curating is one aspect of any entire philosophical body of work.

The exhibition, another.

Weaving with Wyrd, the entirety of One's Own story into the girth of STORY eye hold personally with others...it's an entire different beast.

This post marks a time and date in the Continuum.

From now until the 11/11 date, all will be upended and you will be shown a few lands beyond Oz that I've ventured to.

The ONLY interfacing I'm doing from now until then is on Telegram. Where I have 6 people I know, and nobody talks. LOL

https://t.me/VioletBMuse

And the obvious one I have had for 15 years on X, @thecosmicmama

I'll be filling in this page as it unfold organically.

Welcome, travelers. We ride.

[whereareroo]

LOOKING AHEAD



WF THOUGHTS (3/18/23).

I’ve been reluctant to start writing about the 2024 presidential election. It’s so far away. I know that many of you aren’t ready to hear about it.

I can’t hold my tongue any longer. This past week, some comments by two presidential contenders have put me over the edge. I can’t sit back and say nothing.

The comments were about the war in Ukraine. Before you hear what I have to say, let’s quickly revisit the Ukraine situation.

Ukraine is a young democracy. A year ago, she was just minding her own business. Out of the blue, she was invaded by Russia. Putin is a deranged authoritarian, and he’s still angry that the old Soviet Union fell apart in 1991. Ukraine had been one of Russia’s prize possessions. Putin is fixated on reassembling the old Soviet territories. Because it’s right next door, his first move was to invade Ukraine. Putin planned to topple the Ukrainian government and merge Ukraine into Russia. Many “experts” thought that Putin would achieve his objective in about a week. Nobody thought that little Ukraine could stand up to mighty Russia.

Well, Ukraine has surprised the world. She’s still standing! She hasn’t bowed to Russia. The Russian gains have been minimal. For months now, the war has been a stalemate. The people of Ukraine have shown tremendous bravery and resilience. They’re 100% behind their government’s effort to defeat Russia. They’re fighting for their freedom. They’ve been an inspiration to the world.

America and other democracies, particularly the members of NATO, have supported Ukraine. Because Ukraine is not a member of NATO, the supporting countries have not sent military personnel into the region. Instead, they have provided massive quantities of military equipment and humanitarian aid. Ukraine would not have survived the past year without this assistance. At the same time, it is important to remember that all of the actual fighting has been done by the Ukrainian military.

America is supporting Ukraine for two obvious reasons:

1. We want to help Ukraine and the people of Ukraine. It’s the right thing to do.

2. Defeating Russia advances the national security interests of America. If Putin wins in Ukraine, he will not be satisfied. He will invade other countries. Soon thereafter, we’d be in the middle of World War III. As always, America would be forced to play a leading role in that War. It’s highly likely that WW III will be the first nuclear war. From America’s point of view, it’s best to defeat Putin now before the fight spreads to a larger area and becomes more dangerous. In the long run, America will increase her own safety and minimize international entanglements if Putin is defeated in Ukraine. Defeating Putin will also broadcast to China that we will not tolerate any aggression in that region. Do you see the point here? Even though we’re helping Ukraine, we’ve really joined the fight to help ourselves. A world free from aggression is a better world for America.

Please understand that this isn’t complicated stuff. Anybody with a brain can understand the situation. You don’t have to be Henry Kissinger. Our U.S. Senator from South Carolina, Lindsey Graham, isn’t the brightest bulb in Washington. Even he gets it. He recently summarized the situation with a tweet: “When it comes to Putin, you either pay now or pay later.”

Please also understand that there is no “middle ground” here. Either you stand with Ukraine, or you stand with Russia. Those are the only two choices. Adopting a position of “neutrality” is simply an indirect way of supporting Putin. Putin wants everyone to be “neutral” so he can steamroll Ukraine and press ahead into other countries.

Even though all of the above is extremely straightforward, there are two idiots who don’t get it. Both of them are serious 2024 presidential contenders on the Republican side. Their views about Ukraine should disqualify them from holding any public office.

A few days ago, Ron DeSantis said that the situation in Ukraine is merely a “territorial dispute” that has nothing to do with America’s national interests. He thinks we should keep out of the “entanglement.” In other words, he supports the position that is being pushed by Putin. Whose side is DeSantis on?

Not to be outdone in the stupid and crazy department, Trump responded to the pro-Putin comments from DeSantis. First, Trump complained that DeSantis had “stolen” Trump’s own policy position regarding Ukraine. Of course, Trump couldn’t just stop there. He went on to say that if he was still in the White House he could have stopped Putin’s invasion by allowing Russia to “take over” parts of Ukraine. After all, Trump noted, certain areas in Ukraine are “Russian-speaking areas.” Trump says he could have “made a deal” to let Russia “take over something.” Clearly, Trump doesn’t stand with Ukraine. He continues to idolize Putin and he continues to stand with Putin.

It’s horrifying that the top two Republican presidential contenders are on the wrong side of this extremely important issue. Here’s what they’re effectively saying to Putin: “Keep this war going and help us get elected in 2024. If we win, we’ll pull away from Ukraine and you can have your way.” They’re also effectively telling China that it will be able to be aggressive if they win in 2024. If you’re not horrified that these two clowns are sitting at the top of the Republican Party, you better sit down and have a good talk with yourself. They are a danger to the free world. For more than 100 years, regardless of the political party of the president, American foreign policy has been built around protecting freedom and democracy all over the world.

Even dullards like Lindsey Graham understand that our only choice, as a matter of morality and to protect our national interests, is to firmly stand with Ukraine. Here are some of his tweets regarding the pro-Putin comments from DeSantis and Trump:

+ “To those who believe that Russia’s unprovoked and barbaric invasion of Ukraine is not a priority for the United States—you are missing a lot.”

+ “Putin is openly saying that his long term goal is to recreate the old Russian Empire and he has no intention of stopping in Ukraine.”

+ “The last time someone in Europe claimed the land of others, and tried to take it by force of arms, was Adolf Hitler’s attempt to build the Third Reich. Those who miscalculated Hitler’s intentions paved the way for a wider war and missed many opportunities to stop him early on.”

+ “When an American leader tells an adversary what they will NOT do in a conflict, it sends a signal of weakness and generally prolongs the conflict making it more likely to spread.”

+ “The commission of war crimes by Russia’s military on an industrial scale- -if forgiven and forgotten- -destroys world order.

+ “If you do not understand that success by Putin in Ukraine invites aggression by China again Taiwan, then you have seriously miscalculated one of the most obvious nexuses in the world.”

+ “If Putin loses in Ukraine, then the world resets in all the right ways. If he wins in Ukraine . . . more conflict is coming.”

Please remember that all of those quotes are from Lindsey Graham. They’re not from some liberal Democrat. They’re from a very, very conservative Republican. If Lindsey Graham understands the situation, everybody should understand the situation. If you don’t stand with Ukraine, you’re standing with Russia and you’re damaging the national security of America.

Let me close by addressing my Republican friends. Please don’t support Trump or DeSantis. They stand with Russia. You have other choices. After the idiotic comments from DeSantis and Trump, Nikki Haley said that winning in Ukraine is important for American security, and that: “America is far better off with a Ukraine victory than a Russian victory, including avoiding a wider war.” Similarly, Mike Pence said that “if we falter in our commitment to providing the support to help the people of Ukraine to defend their freedom, our sons and daughters may soon be called upon to defend ours. If we surrender to the siren call of those in this country who argue that America has no interest in freedom’s cause, history teaches we may soon send our own into harms way.”

It’s shocking to see that two top Republican presidential contenders are openly supporting Putin and Russia. Let’s hope that they’re immediately and permanently rejected by all Republicans. The 2024 presidential election will be difficult enough. Let’s make sure we eliminate any candidate who stands with Russia. Let’s have a robust campaign between two candidates who support freedom and democracy. The future of the world may depend upon the willingness of Republicans to reject DeSantis and Trump. Let’s hope for a wise decision. Both men have proven that they don’t belong in the White House.