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faithfromanewperspective · 1 year ago

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the western sydney work ethic, mental health, burnout, inequality and ableism

inspired by ashton irwin on artist friendly with joel madden and 17902 sustainable urban development at the university of technology sydney

I’ve teased the idea of writing this post for a while now, and now I’m sitting in my borrowed bed in Sydney with the graphs and maps from my course still at the back of my eyelids and still processing the Vibes of catching up with my childhood friends and wondering if it’s too early to go to bed if the sun’s still up—it’s time to let it out. Because I found a bunch of seemingly unrelated things and put them together in a way that helped me process my upbringing and the way it’s positioned me as I go through life even now.

For background of this post, the Greater Sydney metropolis has a very stark rich/poor divide, where a large strip from the west going to the south of the city have been left behind in a variety of ways. In my uni course I see the maps on income, education level, job overqualification, crime, violence… they’re nice and set out, and they validate what I already intuitively knew—just like everyone who grew up in the area I’m going to refer to vaguely as Western Sydney. These graphs put words to something I’ve lived when I was too young to process it, something I hear the impacts of in 5 seconds of summer’s songs like I’ve never seen in any other art ever.

I know many people relate too and I don’t want to say you have to be from Western Sydney to get it. There are plenty of other places with similar trends, but this strip of suburbs, half a city, is where I grew up and the case study I’m going to use for the phenomenon I’m going to describe in this post.

Having spent the last decade and a bit in a more conservative, more sheltered area of suburban Brisbane, where people take it slow and at least attempt to have fun without getting completely wasted; where people have high expectations for their lives and livelihoods they never quite meet and where they’re the kind of emotionally aware that you hear all about how stressful that experience is: this was the backdrop of my teens and young adult years to this point. It’s where I learned about mental health and neurodivergence and ableism and where I really explored what faith and spirituality is to me. It’s where I never quite felt comfortable when people were too polite, where I poured all the belief they had in me as a gifted kid plonked into that environment I wasn’t native to into the delusion that I could deconstruct the unequal education system of their own creation if I only worked harder than anyone had ever worked before. Then they would finally listen. It’s where I tried and tried to get help for my mental health and wasn’t listened to either, not when I presented so well and was simply unable to unmask until I was unable to mask at all. Where the slightest bit of hope caused me to forget everything that was hurting me, making it a struggle to work through even to this day. where I wondered if I was some superhuman for the fact that I can work my ass off without even realising it’s hard work, a smile on my face and arms open for connection as always (the mark of health they say) while being desperately unwell, hurting, thinking I had it good compared to some of the people I’d see crumple under the pressure, I should be kind to them (not understanding why I found them so, so relatable).

I am not a freak of nature, or superhuman, though I am neurodivergent and twice-exceptional. I am the product of my upbringing and my ancestors. I carry generations of culture from hectares of foreign lands my ancestors made their homes on (ethically questionably in some cases I do acknowledge) and became part of the ecosystem of. It is, like most difference, a gift and a curse. Something that makes certain measures of ableism not apply to me, but creates others in their place. I’ll get into this more later.

in the strip of suburbs united by demographics we call Western Sydney, farmers from the notoriously difficult land of the Murray-Darling and immigrants from everywhere on the planet, some Indigenous but few Indigenous to Australia, make up classrooms, neighbourhoods, workplaces. Think I Am Australian by The Seekers, but just the verses, as a snapshot of some of the stories representative of the people. Interwoven in the landscape. We celebrated Harmony Day on the 21st of March in my primary school. Everyone had a different cultural background. We heard different languages spoken on the street. There were stereotypes. There were scared people trying to find their tribe, build a life in Australia, away from the larger scale farms, get their kids a good education to do a trade or go to university. Fear and angst and hurt coexisting with an appreciation of the juxtaposition of others you’d never head admitted out loud. But the second verse of the Australian national anthem was written just for us, or might as well have been. Beneath our radiant southern cross, we’ll toil with hearts and hands… google the lyrics, you’ll get it, you’ll see why I wish the rest of Australia did too: for those who’ve come across the seas, we’ve boundless plains to share, with courage let us all combine to advance Australia fair…

No one with the power to acknowledge this I interact with these days remembers the second verse. Except 5 Seconds Of Summer, in their ridiculous little promo videos, who I’d bet the rubble that’s left of my parents’ old house as the new owners turn it into a mansion because Gentrification, have no idea of what a meaningful gesture that is.

I can feel the wounds of being torn from the good parts of that experience closing over. And so it’s time to give the often forgotten stories on an often forgotten piece of land that made me and also these four wonderful humans who we are today, the credit it deserves. Start by telling our stories.

One thing I love about Artist Friendly is it cuts straight to it. Joel Madden is just incredible like that—in a world coming out of the 2010s pop decade of dancing while the room is on fire (bloodhound, 5sos) put your rose coloured glasses on and party on (Katy Perry’s chained to the rhythm) (these I would consider more analytical quotes of the era, one whose vibe was ‘forget all the pain in the world, let’s party and sing about how horny we are’ which for all my cynicism I did find fun)—he kept up his punk edge, kept investing in new musicians, searching for and investing in what’s real. He also really loves Australia, and when you put our underdog-supporting attitude next to Good Charlotte’s songs you understand why. Anyway, the episode pretty much opens by him asking Ashton about his background, and relating from the perspective of working-class-emotionally-unavailable/immature-parents-who-showed-their-love-through-provision-and-really-did-try-to-be-there-but-had-none-of-the-resources. I like the positive take. It’s high time we stop being classist and ableist towards the people who’ve met our needs as much as they were able, but it still wasn’t enough. Who taught us how to take opportunities, work to prove our worth, and through it all couldn’t even afford therapy.

I used to think my family was rich because we lived in Australia and my parents had gone to university. Never mind the fact that I was born when they were barely older than I am now. Never mind the mould in the walls or sneaky Tuesday night washing of the school uniforms in the summer when we got sweaty and there weren’t any spares or the mismatched bargain bin clothes we wore or the bedroom I shared with my sisters. I knew the people I compared us to. And now I do really believe if I’d grown up a bit less frugal or even a few k’s out of the area I did I wouldn’t be who I am. I wouldn’t have the perspectives I have, nor would this podcast episode have me feeling so seen. Like, yes I lived a bit further into the city than these guys, close to the train line without any farmland where the house values shot up seemingly overnight and meant the area I grew up in is experiencing a very weird disparity as two cities collide within it today. But we grew up in the same era in western sydney, we grew up loved and knowing that was a privilege and we grew up knowing from a very young age we had to spend our whole lives working hard if we wanted life to be manageable and we better be polite and better not ask for too much.

yet we also grew up with hurt. From the trauma we inherited from our caregivers as we encountered the attitudes and fears with which they faces the world. From what we saw our peers go through much too young to be able to draw boundaries with the empathy we felt too much of and understood nothing of. From broken family relationships that were all too common. From religion that hurting people used to cause or at least stagnate hurt instead of healing.

when I was burning out and struggling as an unrecognised neurodivergent I used to wonder why my father would place such value on the Protestant work ethic when Jesus died exactly so we wouldn’t have to strive. And I acknowledge that the PWE is harmful to many disabled folk or literally anyone who has experienced the demands of life and had their stress invalidated for it. Including myself. But never having the expectation of a life of ease and luxury? I do appreciate that. It’s given me a whole different metric for how I view life, one none of my friends except those who are from those years of my life understand. No one in Brisbane or my online international friends seem to get it. But I’m sure when you see yourself in this post, that some of you will (we might be the largely unheard minority but I’m sure we exist. Joel Madden is proof of that). It’s given me a differently calibrated emotional pain scale in many ways. Different standards for when the warning lights come on (and I’m very perceptive of angst and disappointment and always see them in others to be worse than they are because of it). And when I look at everything this band has accomplished, I know it’s the same for them.

I have spent a lot of time these last years advocating for neurodivergent acceptance. I’ve done so in a way that made sense of the decade previous, of existing in a world of inequality I’ve always been so sensitive to and of expectations that I took on as opportunities (because what else have I been trained to do)? And yet so much of it is about funding and resources. And when there isn’t that? You make room for my favourite thing ever: grassroots, unofficial but beautifully organic loving neurodivergent affirmation. Plenty of rural folks, my grandparents included, hate labels, prefer focusing on strengths and equipping young people based on those than accommodating difficulties. They’re often seen as conservative, bigoted, ableist, and some of them are. But they bring with them an important lesson about how to live with the realities of the economy that they struggle in too, too much to support someone else. They don’t have the same impossible expectations of their neurodivergent progeny and protegees and community members that many who hold in their heads an idea of perfection they hope to bring to their families do (the kind of things sometimes only a diagnosis can free someone from, and nothing from the memory and shame of) and that—that is an important attitude for all of us to have.

Some people are unconventionally neurodivergent affirming while knowing none of the terms, or maybe trying to hold off using them because of the same economic and confidence reasons I’ve tried to unpack. Some rely on simple kindnesses and explanations that centre around possibility, and go nowhere near deficit. Some people know intuitively or through hard life lessons themselves (usually the latter) the value of stripping all but essentials from the functionality of everyday life. Not making it any harder than it is.

Of course you can drum on the tables in math class. My son is a musician, I get how it is.

Liz Hemmings is the only valid neurodivergence parent—I’ll say no more, it is how it is

Sometimes when we advocate for things we have to be aware that the way the dominant in-power often wealthy culture has figured it out isn’t always the best way to do things. Environmentalism is a prime example of this. This is why we need brown environmentalism and to decolonise and listen to our Indigenous stewards and share power.

You can take a lot of lessons from a place that’s as culturally diverse as Western Sydney. And you can see how a work ethic is facilitated, rather than gatekept. You can see why Ash, when asked by Joel if he’s scared of every getting back to that life (ref to poverty) his attitude is actually one of gratitude and almost reverence for the place that shaped him, that brought the band together and everything that came from that point forwards. That shaped their attitude and birthed the grit that got them through being on tour with one direction and I don’t think he said it but in Ash’s case I bet the empathy he has for the fans and the way he just wants to connect and create a fun experience but also one where we’re deeply seen by moving songs is because he knows what it’s like for so many people. You can’t not if you grew up like we did. You can see why Luke at any chance will say ‘we’re from Sydney Australia’. It has a way of sticking to you, the rich culture that’s a patchwork of orphaned cultures, the way everyday life is like one of those adventures you emerge from with strong bonds usually only found in fantasy novels. You can see that the band is proof that those bonds exist in real life.

after a decade and a bit pretending I know what leisure is and how to have fun without Bad Angst I’m glad that this proof is still in my life. I’ve still got close friends from primary school and few can boast that (we might not quite be Calum and Michael in that regard, but they still have other friends from primary who they’ve kept in touch with despite geographical separation as I have).

Now I’ve acknowledged this and traced the strings that are much easier to see when my own life is mirrored in a podcast episode, maybe I can find the good among the cultural dysphoria in the circles I do have in Brisbane, and do value still for what they are even if they’re not quite the same. Now that I can see how a world of too many opportunities and not enough freedom can burn someone out who came from this background, with the type of brain that flourishes on being a latchkey kid and sketchy hangouts with deep conversations and questionable substances but crumples under expectation and too much choice and politeness, I can put my life back together in a way that validates who I am and where I come from, rather than what those around me tell me should be good for me.

as, I can tell by this interview, these guys have. I want to be able to talk about suffering without people acting like it shouldn’t be something we can comfortably say out loud, as Ashton does here and through music. My art isn’t quite the same, but the purpose behind it is so, so similar. I relate a lot to the importance he places on spirituality, even if I’ve tried to do something with Christianity that it, in the mainstream at least, isn’t built for and probably can only partially do on its own. Maybe the epitome of humility is being able to learn from other religions and see them as gifts from God even as, and I include Christianity here as well, anything can be dangerous if used in a way that it wasn’t meant for: anything with power to heal has power or hurt too. I’ve got so much respect for how Ash does it. I think this episode really cemented for me that, and I feel like it’s something we as a fandom don’t talk about enough because of their characterisation (and fair enough, if you’re famous you don’t want people dissecting every part of you, and I’m not going to do that just give a generalised compliment): these guys are so incredibly resilient and intelligent and invested in creating healing and they’re really fucking good at it. They might present themselves as goofs with one braincell that create bops and fan over other celebrities as if they themselves aren’t famous too, but so much of that is humility and them baring themselves in ways that are sustainable and really emotionally mature (for the most part) to be relatable to us as fans and invest in making that connection genuine. They’re not pretending, because they understand how it is to be human.

and you don’t get there by being some sort of Untouchable Philosophical Genius Figure. you get there because you’ve lived in community and you’ve survived hard things because of other people who’ve done similar and created authentic art too. You get there often because you have to: because putting on a fake show and doing stuff for likes and popularity was never going to work and will only screw you up in the long run and you’re worldly enough to see that from a young age and learn from your own intuition and empathy and experiences. You get there because you lived your whole life being resourceful and being street smart and doing what it takes to make good decisions and invest in yourself (who else do you have who’s worth more than that) and your future. Doing what it takes to make sure you’re alive to learn how to do better at things you’re behind in that might keep food on the table in the future, because there’s none of that oh-it-won’t-happen-to-me attitude. That part is very sustainable which I love. I also really really relate to it and have found it something I would get complimented on when I was younger, too young to be so mature. But I never attributed it to myself. I knew somehow, abstractly, I was disabled and nearing my limit and everything I do I did so I could survive. It’s the western Sydney work ethic.

and yet this often beautiful phenomenon has its ugly side. If you know you’re neurodivergent even without the words—more often than not the only people you see who you relate to are those who didn’t make it, who fell off the horse of functionality and into things like addiction and other things that exacerbate the inability to empower yourself. You figure that when you’re honest with yourself you’ll be dead by 25. Sometimes you give up on trying to prevent that and wonder if it’s even worth it to attempt to keep going: is your life really worth that effort?? What I’ve described is a combination of the experiences of many people I know, aspects of it are mine, and aspects mirror things I know these guys have mentioned about themselves (I’m going to leave it at that vague level of detail). You wonder why people believe in you, is it only because any other option is unmentionable? But what if you let them down like you know (fear) you will? And burnout is the epitome of this: the need to let go of trying. And without a decent amount of privilege it’s impossible to return from.

I’ve been there and scrounged at straws of privilege I do have, pretending I’m doing my job to the level that others expect while letting go of every expectation I have on myself. Still problem solving outside every box on how to get back on my feet because I know nothing else, radically accepting that I might not and whittling down all my needs in life to the most essential, that I might still survive even at my limited and diminishing capacity. While always relating to those our society sees as failures. I’ve borrowed from other cultures that aren’t my own to have a stubborn sense of worth while trying to keep afloat in a society and economy that says it’s conditional. My spirituality comes in here, as do my problem-solving skills: again, maybe this culture fears burnout more than anything, but maybe it has half a toolkit on how to get out of it. Only half. I have to pair it with what I learn from others too.

and even through that, I’m immensely privileged to have savant skills and a generally able body. Just like when you make it big as a musician you’re privileged by that. Against a backdrop of I’m-nothing-special. I’ve always struggled with questions of my felt worth, because I’m so conscious of my privilege and ability that sometimes I get the two muddled (though I know my ability doesn’t define my worth in things I do poorly at, and my persistence technically doesn’t either but I’ll be damned if I don’t try and try and actually find doing badly more validating of how I see myself than when I do well, so I chase it again and again, my dad is the same, it’s what makes us so adventurous). I understand the consciousness of things that are going well not lasting, and pouring creativity for new ventures into things like selling candles. Instead of letting achievements make me believe I’m someone more important than I am, using them as ways of giving myself space to do whatever’s next, dial off the pressure a little bit.

I understand appreciating others’ sensitivity and the social capital they bring everywhere rather than their material wealth or achievement and when Ash praised Calum for that and said it made him look bad I felt that. Both the experience of being that counter-cultural person who doesn’t give a shit about money but values connection so, so much more (and from all I’ve written, you can see why, can’t you) to still never being able to be as good a person as I see the need for in the world.

I understand missing family and constantly grieving that, as I weigh up the city of my childhood with the friends and culture I love versus the city of my youth with my feathered family who are my children and who I hate to miss birthdays of and the like, same goes for my sisters and parents and grandparents, the way Ashton, the only band member with younger siblings, hates missing all their milestones too. I feel privileged that Brisbane and Sydney are so close to each other and nothing in my life is as far as Los Angeles. I understand the nostalgia for Sydney. This whole post is proof of it.

I understand the unbreakable bonds between people who make this kind of art together. I understand putting disagreements on the back burner and realising the connection through writing is so much bigger and the connection can overcome whatever is going wrong. Heck, I feel privileged to understand and relate to how such brilliant brains work (nature: neurodivergence I won’t go any further into as well as nurture) as well as the environment that made them what they are.

all my life I’ve longed for that kind of community and connection I’ve seen largely in fiction, sometimes between people in real life. And I think having written this analysis (it’s taken me til my bedtime or later) I do have all the ingredients there. All the ability to make it, both in the practical way I relate to and am there for my friends and whatever I do in my silver bridges tag. In the neighbourhoods I eventually design that foster communities with all the good parts I’ve described but without the inequality and minimal poverty and hurt and violence. To everyone who’s shown me these things in myself that are so worth working for and I know I’m not savantly immediately good at, I am so so incredibly grateful. the city as a whole. My family and friends. The celebrities I grew up nearby and those who invest in people like them. People like me. May I keep investing in people: people like you. because what is humility but knowing there’s always something to learn, and what will bring all of us forward but learning it and putting it into practice in love and empathy that drives a grit that no amount of striving for striving’s sake can manufacture?

#western sydney #western sydney work ethic #neurodivergence #burnout #personal mental health tag #ashton irwin #artist friendly interview #5 seconds of summer #calum hood #luke hemmings #michael clifford #5sos #community #urban design #growing up poor #I did a big analysis and I will do this again #5sos5 city #silver bridges #neurodivergent liberation

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albatris · 2 years ago

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I may be stupid but I just found this blog and what is atdao?

nah you're not stupid it's all good!

ATDAO is one of my two main writing projects! It's "All the Doors are Open"! it's a funky lil tale about some kids who live in South Australia oh and also reality is collapsing and cracks between universes called Ports are appearing and letting otherworldly energy leak into our universe c:

the story alternates POV between best friends Tris Greer and Noa Yun, with separate but eventually intertwining plotlines

Tris, panic attack in human form, just witnessed a freak car accident that somehow caused his older brother to blip out of existence. the relevant authorities prove supremely unhelpful, so he takes it upon himself to find the truth and bring his brother home, even if it means a daring trip into an unstable air bubble between dimensions - a task easier said than done when he's anxious enough just leaving the house

Noa, edgy intimidating badass hiding nooo insecurities or trauma whatsoever, can suddenly bend and break the reality around her the same way Ports do. the shiny new destructive powers might be kinda cool - if the crack in reality inside her wasn't chaotically deteriorating and she didn't work for the Department of Interdimensional Instabilities, whose whole shtick is eliminating dangerous cracks in reality

two other MCs are Shara, a paranormal investigator hunting the source of the apocalypse through a handheld radio, and Kai (the fan favourite!), a peddler of haunted antiques struggling with the repercussions of losing seven years of their life to a time loop and the fact that their family thinks they died

it's a cheesy power of friendship story about the human capacity for kindness and connection! it's also full of horrifying things that will make your skin crawl <3

MCs are all neurodivergent, most importantly to me: Tris who is schizophrenic and Kai who was depersonalisation/derealisation disorder, none of which is used for cheap plot twists or to go "haha the whole thing was a delusion all along" because ew

anyway! that's ATDAO! you can check out more about it in the tag on my blog :3c progress on it is slow and atm I'm focusing more on my other main project, but ATDAO is a passion project of mine n I love it to bits. thx for coming to my ted talk. mwah

#atdao

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fatphobiabusters · 2 years ago

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hi, genuinely not trying to call y'all out or anything and I 100% agree with everything y'all say about fatphobia. I just wanted to ask that y'all not call bigots 'delusional' or tell them to 'go to therapy.' As a neurodivergent person, it's kinda hurtful to see ableist insults like that, even in progressive spaces

Hi there!

So presumably this is in response to this?

I understand where you're coming from, but I am also neurodivergent. Not all neurodivergent folks will agree on everything and I think this will be one of those times.

Since I was the one who made the rb in question, let me try and explain my side.

Believing that fat people existing are gaslighting you is not healthy. It is not okay. They are experiencing a delusion bc a delusion is, from Google, a false belief or judgment about external reality, held despite incontrovertible evidence to the contrary.

While I did not actually say, "get therapy", I did strongly imply it. And frankly, I stand by it! The OOP of the post in question needs to go to therapy to learn to deal w the fact fat people existing are not miserable bc they were. I'm neurodivergent and very very pro therapy, I think therapy is far to inaccessible so perhaps you could call me classist, but recommending therapy is, to me, not ableist.

Clearly being fat was traumatic for this OOP, but its not okay for them to unilaterally decide every fat person must be traumatized and unhappy bc they were. I stand by what I said, the OOP has serious issues they're projecting onto people in a unhealthy manner. That can't be allowed to continue happening. The point of this blog is to argue against fatphobes, and OOP, despite being very unwell mentally, is still perpetuating harmful ideals about fat people.

Just to be extra sure I was understanding ableism, I looked it up and honestly the OOP was being far more ableist than I was for assuming fat folks a) need to be healed and become skinny, b) we lead unhappy and unfulfilled lives, and c) assuming fat people don't do things for themselves.

We do appreciate feedback for this blog and I will keep what you said in mind for the future!

Mod Fatshion

#mod fatshion #i hope this doesnt come across curt i tried editing it but frankly im too tired rn #but i wanted to answer this quickly #Ask #miscellaneous system #ableist language cw

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guardr0ck · 10 months ago

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Intro post I guess?

I always said I would never ever EVER let go of my old online handle because it was so unequivocally me and, while that is actually still true, the community that I cultivated there for over two decades no longer is. Even as a young tween when I first started posting online in '01, I had a very concrete grasp on what is fiction, and what is reality. I used the internet to connect specifically with other girls and young women who enjoyed the kind of strange fiction and games that I love; from fanart to RP to cosplay and everything in-between. I was born with major organ failure and a deformed body, so I had to get used to accepting my lot very quickly and at a very young age. Practicing radical acceptance, if you will. The notion that other women (and men too) didn't live with such a concrete divide between the real and unreal never occurred to me, as that level of delusion was nearly impossible for me to fathom at my young age. And, for a good while, the culture of fandom reflected this, as it was always understood, for example, that the person I was conversing with was just Kelly the fellow 19 year-old gal from Wisconsin, and not actually Dave Strider from our Homestuck RPs.

This notion was completely challenged when, circa 2011, my best friend found gender ideology on this very site.

At first I was accepting and tolerant, but it quickly shoved a wedge between myself and all my friends, for it was as if a contagious disease ravaged my entire extended friend group, all of whom were neurodivergent females. My close-knit friend group in real life all began identifying as some sort of trans. Soon followed my internet friend group as well. In both spaces it then spread even further to other extended female companions we had. Altogether, about twenty young women with whom I was close with, now identify as some flavor of trans, with a few of them currently suffering grave illness in their 30's due to complications from extensive testosterone use throughout their 20's. You can not tell me that this is not a social contagion, because IT FUCKING IS. I became a pariah because I refused to take T or id as "non-binary" (a make-believe, pseudo-spiritual identity with absolute 0 basis in reality). I became a pariah because of the simple "crime" of accepting myself as a lesbian.

I have been critical of trans ideology from the very get go, albeit in a "you do you, I do me" sort of way. If the individual was close to me or even clearly trying their best to assimilate and "pass" I was even cool with using their "preferred pronouns" no matter how wrong it felt. Live and let live, and all that. Honestly, I still AM like this towards TIPs who acknowledge that they aren't actually the opposite sex. You would think there would be no issue with that, but nah, I was met with comedically extreme resistance ("bigot"/"murderer"/"violence-promoter") for stating the simple fact that one can not actually change sex. I knew these accusations of bigotry were untrue words coming from disturbed minds (who needed help, not hormones...), but I was willing to forgive these egregious accusations on the grounds of "tolerance" and "being kind". However, in their minds I had to become a True and Honest Believer or else I was evil. Of course, they could never make me believe in the unreal, so I simply held my tongue and walked on eggshells with nearly every interaction, tying myself up in knots to please them.

This changed when I was sexually harassed (in real life and online) by multiple heterosexual trans-identified males for the crime of being a gay woman. "The right cock will fix you, as long as its wearing a frock." Legit the same shit coming from the hyper-religious right, but wrapped up in a glittery package complete with hideous make-up. Most of my friends sided with them, with the men threatening to "fix" me via heterosexual corrective rape.

All I have to say to that is: FUCK YOU.

I'm lucky to have made it to my 30's, and I'll be fucking damned before I let some delusional assholes continue to control how I act and feel. You only get one trip around this rock, and I'm done letting them invade my spaces online and threaten my safety in real life. Funny that, when all the lunatic jargon and double-speak is removed, this all boils down to straight (predominantly white) males trying to sexually dominate a profoundly disabled woman who doesn't want sex with them!

If you made it this far, congrats lol. PLEASE DO interact if you are a GC artist, but especially if you do fanart of HH or 80's/90's animation (especially lost media and foreign stuff). Please understand the characters and dynamics I find entertaining in fiction ARE NOT indicative of what I like irl!!!! I can never let go of "fandom" or being creative -- it's in my blood. Literally, I come from a family of artists. But I can't keep living in this bizarre upside down space where I am forced to kowtow to the delusions of every person who lives in a fantasy, and where I am encouraged to support blatantly narcissistic behavior at the expense of my own safety and happiness.

#terfsafe #gender critical #radical feminists do interact #lgb drop the t #adult human female #grthoughts

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smrtelnaaleziva · 8 months ago

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mood: rant; trigger warning: casual mention of suicide, psychosis, genral ableism

my favourite (/s) thing about being mentally ill (besides all the other stuff) is the inability to communicate with people who don't experience my issues. i am not even talking about neurotypicals, i am including in this statement some neurodivergent people as well. actually let me rant for a moment about neurodivergent people further stigmatising mental conditions using their experiences...

how do i explain to someone what i am experiencing when they dismiss it with "well i experience similar thing so i totally get what you are talking about and i am going to make assumptions based on my experiences?". dude it isn't the same. feeling hopelessness during depressive episode isn't the same as end of the world delusions i had during psychosis. being adhd daydreamer isn't the same as when i tried to kill myself bc i thought i was communicating with faeries and they invited me to live with them in their world which i couldn't do bc i was still alive. like people actually tried to compare these in my face and they aren't the same; i should know, i daydream a lot, have adhd and have experienced the doom spirals during depressive episodes before. it just isn't the same. so why do people insist on comparing it? how am i to explain to them it isn't the same when they already arrived to their conclusions about my situations.

i don't need someone to give me advice on a situation that isn't happening. i need people to listen to what i am actually saying. to actually try and understand my experience. i know that it is hard, that it isn't easy to let go of a way you viewed the world and mentally ill people your whole life bc society told you we were this way. when sometimes even psychiatrists feed these misconceptions. but please... just listen to me. to us. when we tell you what is going on.

do you like it when people tell you to cure your depression with yoga like you didn't already try everything you could to put an end to it? then please shut up when i am trying to explain to you what is going on in my head. don't use ableistic language like delulu or call bigots delusional when i (and for the matter the schizospec community as whole) ask you not to. this isn't a joke to me and it doesn't make me a hateful person. i am hurting. a lot. psychosis is painful both mentally and physically. all i am asking for is some empathy please...

thank you to everyone who isn't like that. i love you guys.

(yes someone pissed me off and became inspiration for this post, how could you tell? and this was very much "neurodivergent folks can be ableist too" post but dont eben let me start on the neurotypical family members that tell me to quit my meds bc they don't like the side effects i am experiencing. i am currently symptomatic bc i have to fight myself to take my antipsychotics and sometimes i don't win that fight... just bc people ((mostly neurotypicals again)) were telling me my meds are poison and that my mental illness is a gift really got to me recently)

#actually schizoaffective #schizoaffective #actually schizospec #schizospec #psychosis #psychosis tw #delusions tw #suicide tw #personal rant #ableism tw #neurodivergent people being ableists always shocks me... you should know how shitty it feels. yet it feels like some nd people prefer to #divide neurodivergence into “a good” neurodivergent conditions and “evil” conditions. and some just don't get sometimes we dont have some #some things in common and thats okay. JUST PLEASE LISTEN. and educate yourself if you don't understand something. thank you #i am so tired

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a-murderous-cocoa · 10 months ago

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I'm going to rant.

But sometimes I can't deal with people see me as a well functional person so they invalidate I'm literally insane by clinical measures. Like I'm mentally disabled in legal papers.

And when I go delulu they get mad at me for having a psychotic and erratic episode saying:

I should control it and be punished for my actions during those moments.

I'm not saying I should be forgive for some stuff I do when I think I'm being chased by an evil entity or even just think everyone is agaisnt me and planning my murder.

But sometimes I might seem coherent but I'm on other way other state of mind and let's not talk about delusional and hallucinations.

People think being neurodivergent is like the movies. But it doesn't look like it all the times. Most of the cases are not 100% one extreme point of the espectrum.

I'm like a meme. People be like You understand bad from good? And I don't. But I know (NOT understand) if I do X thing I would get C thing... most od the time I live on a delusion.

Even if i seem sane and talk as a sane person.

Even if I keep taking pills. Even if I keep seeking help.

I wish people without delusional mind would stop blaming delusional people for being delusional and not socially functional or not acting as how they want them to act.

You win nothing by scolding me and socially punishing me.

Just a simply "bro chill for a second" and I'm not asking it from strangers. I'm talking about people who befriend me and then FIGHT me about this.

Saying I'm a horrible person.

You know how much those words stuck in my brain?

I don't deserve help, people like me should die...should be psychoanalysis as kids and kill as soon as possible... people like me should never breed.

Those are my thought thanks of mean people who decoded to be assholes to me because I didn't fit their social standards because I'm.not mentally unstable enough to be considered disabled by them...but I'm too unfitted to deserve cordial and human treatment because I don't fit the normal norm either.

Even something I think Hitler was right to kill disabled people thanks to not neurodivergent people who bullied me to suicide.

#rant #personal #mental illness #psychosis

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taibobo · 2 years ago

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brain damaged postal dude mental illness lore hcs no one asked for and also self ship stuff

he has some kind of dissociative identity disorder, whether it’s DID or OSDD or how many alters he may have is entirely unclear and his levels of amnesia vary wildly depending on his mental state/what his alters were doing/why they fronted

the only alter he’s had contact with/actually recognizes the existence of is alter dude/the other dude (he calls him the other dude, but the alter self identifies as alter dude)

alter dude is pretty self aware of the reason why he exists and holds some significant level of childhood trauma related to postal dude’s father (who in this universe/my hc is the postal 1 postal dude or someone similar. an extremely mentally unstable paranoid man who may have involuntarily taken his delusions out on his kid. american health care is not good) this is why alter dude has the voice of rick hunter

postal dude is fairly pacifist and doesn’t kill people often, while alter dude kills people with only some modicum of discretion, usually when they’re keeping him from or antagonizing him while getting things done. postal dude is somewhat aware of this but has stopped letting it affect him because it doesn’t seem to matter

my s/i (i’m just gonna use first person from here on out lol) was informed at the beginning of the relationship that postal dude has at least one recognizable alter and was just like “oh. okay cool (is also mentally ill)” cause idgaf clearly

i am dating postal dude formally and dating alter dude informally. neither of them care because they consider themselves two parts of a whole and not really separate people. even if they did consider themselves separate identities they are not really the monogamous exclusive type so

alter dude is the less touchy/affectionate of the two, but makes up with it in a lot of false bravado and corny embarrassing dom flirting (he doesn’t know what he’s doing. he doesn’t exactly front during sex or dates and his memories of those aren’t shared mostly so he’s basically a hapless virgin)

postal dude is more physical in terms of his love language, but speaks much more casually and frankly as if i am like his best friend who he makes out with and says he loves. very good chill vibes

sometimes they get mad at each other because they basically operate like roommates who never see each other in terms of living. postal dude complaining about alter dude not washing the dishes or eating his food when he knows he’s been out, alter dude annoyed that postal dude doesn’t do his specific strange neurodivergent rituals, etc. they don’t actually hate each other though they just like to squabble

though dude’s head trauma didn’t give him his dissociative disorder or exacerbate it or anything it probably gave him some sort of physical symptom like chronic migraines or nerve damage. as someone who also has both of these i love projecting ❤️ and also it would make me a good nurse for him ❤️

i call alter dude A.D but he doesn’t like when anyone else calls him that. he just prefers being called dude by everyone else as if he’s the same guy as postal dude because he finds drawing attention to himself causes him more problems (which makes him want to kill which triggers his stuff about his dad which makes him more violent etc etc. negative feedback loop. he’s gotten a little better at grounding himself though)

champ can tell the difference between the two and treats them differently. he’s basically their service dog but without any real formal training. he’s just a smart boy

#postai

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the-holy-void · 6 months ago

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blog trigger warnings ⚠️

Mental illness, paranoia, sa, depression, psychosis, anxiety, delusions, hallucinations, sh, OCD, GAD, dissociation, eds, skin picking.

welcome to my blog I DO NOT SUPPORT OR PROMOTE ANYTHING . this is a vent space for me to cope with poor mental health.

this blog is safe for people with schizospec/psychotic disorders, cluster B disorders, and people with dissociative disorders <3 its tough out there : )

DNI: people who complain about cringe, let people live. people who are into "fake disorder cringe" you have no idea whats going on with someone you dont know. people who spread bigotry (racism, homophbia, transphobia, gatekeeping sexuality and gender, terfs, etc). people who judge how quickly some one is recovering. people who judge coping mechanisms. people who feel a need to correct grammar and spelling

about me

pronouns: they/them, he/him

I am neurodivergent and struggle with mental illness. my diagnosis is for me to know.

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the-boxy-journals · 1 year ago

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Pinned Post!

Content Warnings

This blog contains honest- and sometimes heavy- content about mental health and queer identity.

Minors are discouraged from interacting with and reading this blog.

I’ve done my best to use tags that improve filtering of certain triggers. Let me know if I can add or improve any.

Possible triggering queer content: gender dysphoria, description of gendered body parts, injection and needles, hate crime mention

Possible triggering mental health content: depression, delusions, derealization, disordered eating, voluntary hospitalization, intrusive thoughts, s*lf h*rm, s**cidal id**tion and behavior

Other possible triggering content: parent with cancer, legal substance use, pet loss

Below cut: About Me and Posts So Far

About Me

* 29yo nonbinary AFAB with masculine traits from HRT

* Not picky about pronouns. They/them is fine.

* Started college full time at 15, dropped out twice, graduated nine years later

* Diagnosed with: Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder (ARFID), ADHD (inattentive type), OCD, depression, anxiety

* Past diagnoses I had before ASD: Asperger’s Syndrome, Pragmatic Language Disorder, Sensory Processing/Integration Disorder

* I may post content from dark times in my life. But rest assured I am currently stable, medicated, and in a safe place. I have a solid social and medical support network.

* Insert obligatory “relating to me doesn’t make you neurodivergent/trans, and not relating me doesn’t make you neurotypical/cis” disclaimer here. Every person with my condition(s) is different.

Posts So Far

No Associated Date

Raindrops on the sidewalk

Miscellaneous autism things

Audio processing

Too-loud and too-quiet autism

2011 (high school graduation)

Holding the door

2015-2017 (computer science college, internship, and library job)

Low spoons

Fluff class and repeated class

Erdly

2018 (hospitalized, start T, mom gets cancer, college graduation)

Gender conflict and cocoon

Toss me a floaty

2019 (first year of independent living)

No more

Rearrange furniture!

Light bulbs and paper

Interrupting

Water

2022 (ED treatment)

ARFID and ED treatment

2023

Don’t rock the boat in Oklahoma

Dating sim

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thedysphoriadiaries · 2 years ago

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Entry 47 - 22 April 2023, 5:29pm

This was a post that I meant to post two days ago, but, never got around to doing it.

I still haven't cut my hair. It's a frazzled mess which extends to my shoulders (maybe a little beyond).

I still haven't cut it, despite the promises I made to a friend of mine with whom I'll be working. To that extent, I've decided to get tomorrow's shift cancelled. There's no point in going to work when all you want is to be left alone.

Come on la, I've already got so much on my plate, don't make me come chase you for these sorts of things. How many times have you let me down?

...

Why'd you lie to me?

...

I don't know why. I lie all the time, about being fine. I trust you don't want to know your friend has been sneaking out of the house at four in the morning when things get too much for them to handle.

I trust you don't want to know how your friend's appetite has been shrinking ever since they got off the patch which made them feel ever so slightly more alive.

I'm sure you don't want to know how they scribble in their little black book.

...

...

sigh.

...

I... don't know what to do now. The counselling appointment is... months away.

...

I will not participate in your delusion.

...

Is this all there is to it? Just a delusion? It makes me wonder if this is just something that I'll have to accept. That I was born male, and having a cis girl's body isn't possible in my lifetime.

I bet you're fucking laughing at me for questioning my own identity.

Yeah. Try living with those stupid feelings (of being different from other guys, and feeling crushes on basically every girl and woman you come into extended contact with) for over half your life before ever trying to talk to me about it.

Try living with your partner, only to realize that you want to be her. Imagine feeling that even more viscerally than love. Imagine being intimate with her (seeing, and feeling for the first times in your life that girls don't have dicks), and wanting her features for yourself.

...

It's why, I'm just... not going to remind myself of that. I'll just... cast it out of my mind. Lock it in the same box which I've locked Lynn in. Yet, even from within the box, she has some form of power over me, for she knows one thing I don't.

...

The happiness of existing.

...

It's why I strangle her. Whip her. Lash out at her, with my thoughts. Thoughts that this is just a delusion. That I should accept that I'm just a guy with weird thoughts due to neurodivergence or something.

But she absolutely refuses to give up or die - a trait both of us share, being two sides of the same soul. So, I lock her in the box.

I know the box won't do anything. Maybe it'll make me forget that she ever was there, when I pile the trinkets I collect over the course of my life, over the box.

But maybe, it's just another test of life. To see if I can accept something as fundamental as my own place in my body. And what if it's not? What if it's genuinely how my life is meant to play out?

...

I think about her. Cis (?) girl me, from that thought experiment I did over six years ago. I've never given her a name, and she hasn't told me yet, though, I know that she's a pretty reasonable girl. In a way, she is me, the same way I am her.

...

What would you do if you woke up beside a version of you that's of the opposite sex?

my answer to that still stands - try to find out how life was like for her.

Whether I want something more is yet to be seen.

...

cool song time:

but then, flofy wrote this entry

-saxophone plays-

it's a meme from Wirtual's videos on trackmania (but then, hefest got this run)

youtube

#Youtube

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mangodestroyer · 2 years ago

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Dear Abusive Brother

You're 21-years-old now and you still haven't changed. You've been horrid to me for the past 12 years, and mom let you get away with it. Even sometimes encouraged it. I used to think it was because you were young and going through a phase. I thought you would eventually grow out of it because of how sweet you used to be. Look at you now? You're in your 20's and you're still like this.

It's so obvious to me now that you won't change. Your brain is almost done developing. I guess you're just destined to be a POS. It's embedded into your personality to be loud, egotistical, and abusive. I've been studying up on the psychology behind abusive individuals because they are unfortunately ever present in my life (hint hint YOU). Now I think I understand you better. And I can't say I take you as seriously anymore because I've come to realized that you live in a grandiose delusion. Maybe it's not your fault you turned out that way. You grew up in a shitty household too. You were shown callousness from some, and praise from others because you were "gifted." Later, you started getting positive attention because you are "handsome" and "charming." As if your ego wasn't already big enough. And it's obvious you were mom's favorite while I was clearly not.

So you faced hardship and also had your ego stroked constantly. And you were allowed to get away with so many bad behaviors. It's a recipe for disaster, raising a child like that. But it's done now. It's too late. I can only pity you the same way I pity a rabid dog. You're a lost cause and you're very bad for me. I know you don't care because you made it very clear that you don't love me (and tbh, I'm still very confused as to what I did to cause that because you never give me a coherent answer as to why), but I will not talk to you once we are no longer living with each other. I don't give a flying fuck how much it upsets mom. I'm not attending events with you. You aren't going to my wedding if I ever have one. I want nothing to do with you anymore because you've hurt me so badly and I'm a mess. You aren't the only person who's hurt me, but you still left some serious mental scars. I'm serious, you could become the riches person in the world and move to a different country. Leave me behind. Never talk to me again. And I wouldn't feel the tiniest bit resentful that you're living it up (even if you don't deserve it). I would just be happy that you are no longer in my life.

You are awful. You're straight up evil. I don't love you anymore. I only grieve for the brother I thought I could have had. And I know you found it stupid when I said it, but I really do wish I had a brother. But I don't. I hope you never get into a relationship. I'm afraid of what you might do to your SO. I hope you don't have kids either. If any of them turn out neurodivergent, I know you're going to ruin their life. You're going to think they're psycho, kind of like how you call all my socially awkward behaviors psycho, and you'll abuse them for it. You probably won't even love them.

You do sometimes treat people who aren't me pretty well though. This is why I sometimes wondered if it was me who was the problem. Mom made me feel like I was pretty awful too. Even evil at times. I started seriously doubting myself. I've gone through some horrible dissociative episodes because I couldn't handle the pain all of this put me through. I sometimes have panic attacks thinking about how awful everyone must think I am when I make one little mistake. I sometimes want to die. I sometimes want to hurt myself and apologize for existing. You've really made me feel so worthless and unwanted.

But then you sometimes let your charm crack and you start acting vile with others too. Just not to the extent you do with me. You only take it so far with me because you were taught that I am pretty unimportant. I was taught to never have boundaries. And I was taught that no one would be there for me when you start abusing me. So maybe you would abuse a SO who has no boundaries too. And then make everyone hate them so you can justify the abuse. It makes me sick just thinking about it. It's why I never tell you when people say they have a crush on you. Trust me, I know you seem so handsome, nice, intelligent, and charming on the surface, but I don't want them to know the real you.

I don't think I can ever forgive you for playing a part in fucking me up like that. Ever since I entered the adult world, I ended up attracting some predatory people who weren't good for me. I cut them out when I realized they were no good for me because I can't fucking do this again. But now I don't feel like I can trust people anymore. I'm learning to be a healthier individual and have started learning about red flags and whatnot, but I'm so afraid it won't work and I'll continue to attract people who find my happiness upsetting, don't love me for who I am, don't respect my boundaries, and in some ways, many ways, remind me of you. And who remind me of mom too. I'd rather be single for the rest of my life than be married to someone who is a lot like either of you. Or any abusive individual for that matter.

Fuck you for ruining me! Go to Hell!

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flashfuture · 3 years ago

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Funny how neurodivergent people are totally valid until their symptoms annoy/inconvenience you or don’t fit a narrative you’re trying to spin about them.

#seriously sick of it #applies in real life and to people online #like someones autism or adhd gives them diversity points but when they dont react like you want them to theyre problematic #and shouldnt let their neurodivergency control their lives #like my parents never got me treated because they figured itd go away #it hasnt and theyve been annoyed with me for years because of it #my mom: yes you have anxiety no you shouldn't let your delusions control you. you can exist like this

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the-ghost-king · 4 years ago

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Schizophrenic Nico, here's why I think it's possible:

I want to start off by saying these are just my thoughts, there is no one way to be schizophrenic or to have schizophrenia. It's also important to note that many of the schizophrenic symptoms overlap with other mental illnesses/nuerodivergences like ADHD, Autism, Depression, and OCD which I know many people who head canon Nico as having. I'm not arguing schizophrenic Nico is more correct, more canon, or more right, but to explain some thoughts on why I think it's possible/very likely he does so I can use this for future reference in various thing.

I am using the term schizophrenia as a catchall for all "types" of schizophrenia, but not for schizoaffective disorder which I would say Nico probably doesn't have.

Children born in the winter/those who were "sickly" as babies are more likely to develop schizophrenia. It may also be possible if your mother was sick while pregnant with you, or having a father who was significantly older when he had you.

A stressful life, especially trauma, are more likely to develop schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder. It likely has something to do with excessive dopamine production, but it may also have something to do with the same genes that control the sleep-wake cycle. Schizophrenia is more common with other mental illnesses or with other nuerodivergences or developmental delays.

Common symptoms include:

Hallucinations

Delusions

Disorganized thinking

lack of motivation

slow movement

change in sleep patterns

poor grooming or hygiene

changes in body language and emotions

less interest in social activities

Now what does this mean for Nico, and why do I think it's likely he has Schizophrenia?

Let's start with Nico's childhood, "children born in the winter/those who were "sickly" as babies are more likely to develop schizophrenia". Although Rick proposed two birthdays for Nico, the fandom generally accepted the January date more fully. We also know that Nico is described as small when he was younger, smallness is common in children who grow up sickly, but it is also common in children who's mother was ill while pregnant with them. We obviously don't know if Nico was sick as a kid, or if Maria was sick while pregnant with him, but again being born in the winter makes these things more likely, as well as consideration for the time period Nico grew up in and the larger variety of illnesses going around at the time. (He is vaccinated against some things though).

Trauma and Nico... do I really have to go into super detail on this one? He spent his childhood growing up in a fascist country that was extremely racist/anti-Semitic/homophobic/etc, his mom died when he was a child- in front of him, his father intentionally gave him amnesia, his sister died when he was a child, he then proceeded to become homeless living/spending lots of time with Minos who verbally (and possibly physically) abused him, becoming aware of his past memories, becoming aware of the fact that many people hated him because of his father and because they thought he was joining the other side (therefore, he was "bad"), he fought in many battles as a child, fought monsters alone, was often faced with life or death situations, went to Tartarus alone (where the goddess of misery told him he was "perfect"), was trapped in a hostage situation with little/no air for a long time while people debated whether or not to save him, was outed against his will, was freed only to travel again fighting monsters and then win a battle, was eventually made to quest with Apollo despite still having lots of healing to do in ToN. So stressful life? Fuck yeah, that doesn't being to cover it.

Genetic factors, obviously nothing here is confirmed so I'm speculating a little bit again, but the common idea in regards to Hades children through the series is that they are "bad". Mental illnesses have been stigmatized for hundreds, if not thousands of years, and often mentally ill people were made out to be weird/bad/etc. It's more than possible there is some sort of genetic factor taking place, also "having a father who was significantly older when he had you". Although I doubt godly genes work the same as mortal ones (trust me I have lots of thoughts on how god genetics/DNA work, but that's not the point right now), I think Hades being the oldest out of all his brothers and having a reputation for having "questionable" children says something... We have no information on Maria's family history at all.

As for schizophrenia often occurring with other mental illnesses and/or neurodivergences: Nico canonically is implied to have either ADHD and/or Autism, and is canonically stated to have PTSD. I think most people would agree that saying Nico has or has had depression isn't a stretch in the slightest.

So canonically we can all agree Nico has severe trauma and coinciding mental health issues/neurodivergences, so out of 4 possible issues I’ve first presented we guaranteeably have two. If I wanted to stretch this a little I would give myself a half point for him being born in the winter and a half point for the aspect of Hades genetics but I won’t do that.

On top of that schizophrenia usually appears during teenage and young adult years in people who receive diagnosis; most people live with mental illness for a few months or a few years in some cases before they're able to receive a diagnosis. Nico being 15 (16 by the end of ToN/shortly following the end of ToN) is about the age that schizophrenia would start to make an appearance. It's also more likely to be found in men, with men also noticing the appearance of schizophrenia appearing early in their lives, and experiencing more negative symptoms in comparison to the higher commonality of affective symptoms in women. That's a really complicated explanation to basically say there's 3 more things that would make Nico having schizophrenia make more sense.

Alright, let’s go back to the list of symptoms I provided:

Hallucinations

Delusions

Disorganized thinking

lack of motivation

slow movement

change in sleep patterns

poor grooming or hygiene

changes in body language and emotions/behavior

less interest in social activities

Once again, some of these are not solely related to schizophrenia and can be the result of other mental health issues, I’m just going to go down the list and add in some moments from the books in which Nico shows some of these traits/behaviors.

Delusions/Hallucinations (more later)

Our best chances for understanding Nico's thought process is in Blood of Olympus where he has a P.O.V... Sometimes Nico's thoughts do derail, or sometimes they get a little confusing, but not always, and when talking to others he is consistent and aware of what he's saying, as well as blunt. Anything "off" about his thought patterns to me just seems like ADHD..

Dietary changes (whether or not you think he has an eating disorder) are behavioral changes (I personally think Nico has AFRID)

Within House of Hades Nico's poor sleep patterns are constantly referenced, and I'll give him a pass on poor hygiene because he's in the middle of a quest but still..

I have extremely complicated feelings on what Will says here, it's possible Nico is an extremely unreliable narrator (unlikely, it seems many people are bothered by him and only maybe a handful aren't), I've also thought at many points this was Rick trying to backtrack some stuff with Nico because he realized he'd made his story a little too harsh for a kids book, it could also be Will's trauma kicking in and that happening... I'm not counting it as full proof about Nico disliking social interactions, but Nico does try to leave even after this conversation and isn't convinced to stay until the last chapter, so maybe there's something to be said about people's dislike of him for being a Hades kid- but I think it's fair to say Nico also dislikes people at least some because he doesn't have interest in trying to befriend anyone either, and is quick to assume all people dislike him (paranoia/low self esteem/and some other possible stuff). There's lots of discussions to be had about this quote and other similar ones, and I don't think a broad brush approach of "Nico good everyone else bad" is accurate it's more, "Nico is good but he fails to try and you have to work on your own mental health everyone won just go to you, and also people dislike Nico for silly reasons and need to get over themselves and make an effort too". (I'm extremely oversimplifying my thoughts and feelings to keep it brief.)