#let me live in my neurodivergent delusions

[theoryandahalf]

crying over how your only two posts in #theoristshipping are both Santi x Tom 😭 the power of a good bromance (or as Tom puts it, brovilry) y'all!!

Yeah, weird huh?

[shephound]

shephound introduction

hello all, i’m dean. i’ve been in the therian community for a few years now and have moved over to tumblr due to the uprising in quadrobic posts and younger ‘therians’. for the past year i have rarely put any thought into my alterhumanity due to mental illness and a tight schedule. i now have more time to post about my own experiences and to interact with more like minded people.

i am bodily an adult, but as i’m in a system i’m 13 years older, making me 32. i am a shapeshifter alter, meaning my form in the innerworld is both human and dog. although i call myself a therian, it is much more complex than that to me. i am a dog, no delusion here.

i’m the host of a traumagenic did system, medically recognised, and suffer from narcissistic personality disorder. this impacts how i respond to people - please keep a note of that. my neurodivergency and trauma has directly affected my identity (hence the dissociative disorder, lol) and still does to this day. i may ‘question’ and ‘confirm’ multiple times before figuring myself out.

i am a host of a system so my other alters may post on here for their own personal matters. different alters with have different tags to better differentiate from me when needed.

i am an introject based off of dean winchester. i don’t care for ‘doubles’ or ‘twins’. all i ask is for you to not treat me like a character and like a decent human being. do not ask me if i have memories or if we can talk solely because we are ‘sourcemates’. i will block you.

i’m not too picky when it comes to images of myself. i have a darker coat rather than the more traditional lighter one. i’m much leaner with thinner fur, having a distinct tuck.

my therianthropy is not based on past lives or religious reasons. it is how i formed as an alter and no other singlet can relate to me in the same way.

i also do have other alters that will post. they do not have the same theriotypes as me. wanted to add this here for those wondering why i post so many different animals.

i don’t necessarily have a strict dni, just don’t be a dick. obviously homophobes and pro-israel people don’t interact with me or my posts. the same goes for ‘endo systems’ and other non-traumagenic system believers. if you’re pro this also dni. i don’t use the like button unless i’m saving posts to view later. i reblog a lot of things though instead. i’m also bad at checking accounts, if i follow someone weird or go against your dni please let me know.

[albatris]

I may be stupid but I just found this blog and what is atdao?

nah you're not stupid it's all good!

ATDAO is one of my two main writing projects! It's "All the Doors are Open"! it's a funky lil tale about some kids who live in South Australia oh and also reality is collapsing and cracks between universes called Ports are appearing and letting otherworldly energy leak into our universe c:

the story alternates POV between best friends Tris Greer and Noa Yun, with separate but eventually intertwining plotlines

Tris, panic attack in human form, just witnessed a freak car accident that somehow caused his older brother to blip out of existence. the relevant authorities prove supremely unhelpful, so he takes it upon himself to find the truth and bring his brother home, even if it means a daring trip into an unstable air bubble between dimensions - a task easier said than done when he's anxious enough just leaving the house

Noa, edgy intimidating badass hiding nooo insecurities or trauma whatsoever, can suddenly bend and break the reality around her the same way Ports do. the shiny new destructive powers might be kinda cool - if the crack in reality inside her wasn't chaotically deteriorating and she didn't work for the Department of Interdimensional Instabilities, whose whole shtick is eliminating dangerous cracks in reality

two other MCs are Shara, a paranormal investigator hunting the source of the apocalypse through a handheld radio, and Kai (the fan favourite!), a peddler of haunted antiques struggling with the repercussions of losing seven years of their life to a time loop and the fact that their family thinks they died

it's a cheesy power of friendship story about the human capacity for kindness and connection! it's also full of horrifying things that will make your skin crawl <3

MCs are all neurodivergent, most importantly to me: Tris who is schizophrenic and Kai who was depersonalisation/derealisation disorder, none of which is used for cheap plot twists or to go "haha the whole thing was a delusion all along" because ew

anyway! that's ATDAO! you can check out more about it in the tag on my blog :3c progress on it is slow and atm I'm focusing more on my other main project, but ATDAO is a passion project of mine n I love it to bits. thx for coming to my ted talk. mwah

[fatphobiabusters]

hi, genuinely not trying to call y'all out or anything and I 100% agree with everything y'all say about fatphobia. I just wanted to ask that y'all not call bigots 'delusional' or tell them to 'go to therapy.' As a neurodivergent person, it's kinda hurtful to see ableist insults like that, even in progressive spaces

Hi there!

So presumably this is in response to this?

I understand where you're coming from, but I am also neurodivergent. Not all neurodivergent folks will agree on everything and I think this will be one of those times.

Since I was the one who made the rb in question, let me try and explain my side.

Believing that fat people existing are gaslighting you is not healthy. It is not okay. They are experiencing a delusion bc a delusion is, from Google, a false belief or judgment about external reality, held despite incontrovertible evidence to the contrary.

While I did not actually say, "get therapy", I did strongly imply it. And frankly, I stand by it! The OOP of the post in question needs to go to therapy to learn to deal w the fact fat people existing are not miserable bc they were. I'm neurodivergent and very very pro therapy, I think therapy is far to inaccessible so perhaps you could call me classist, but recommending therapy is, to me, not ableist.

Clearly being fat was traumatic for this OOP, but its not okay for them to unilaterally decide every fat person must be traumatized and unhappy bc they were. I stand by what I said, the OOP has serious issues they're projecting onto people in a unhealthy manner. That can't be allowed to continue happening. The point of this blog is to argue against fatphobes, and OOP, despite being very unwell mentally, is still perpetuating harmful ideals about fat people.

Just to be extra sure I was understanding ableism, I looked it up and honestly the OOP was being far more ableist than I was for assuming fat folks a) need to be healed and become skinny, b) we lead unhappy and unfulfilled lives, and c) assuming fat people don't do things for themselves.

We do appreciate feedback for this blog and I will keep what you said in mind for the future!

Mod Fatshion

[guardr0ck]

Intro post I guess?

I always said I would never ever EVER let go of my old online handle because it was so unequivocally me and, while that is actually still true, the community that I cultivated there for over two decades no longer is. Even as a young tween when I first started posting online in '01, I had a very concrete grasp on what is fiction, and what is reality. I used the internet to connect specifically with other girls and young women who enjoyed the kind of strange fiction and games that I love; from fanart to RP to cosplay and everything in-between. I was born with major organ failure and a deformed body, so I had to get used to accepting my lot very quickly and at a very young age. Practicing radical acceptance, if you will. The notion that other women (and men too) didn't live with such a concrete divide between the real and unreal never occurred to me, as that level of delusion was nearly impossible for me to fathom at my young age. And, for a good while, the culture of fandom reflected this, as it was always understood, for example, that the person I was conversing with was just Kelly the fellow 19 year-old gal from Wisconsin, and not actually Dave Strider from our Homestuck RPs.

This notion was completely challenged when, circa 2011, my best friend found gender ideology on this very site.

At first I was accepting and tolerant, but it quickly shoved a wedge between myself and all my friends, for it was as if a contagious disease ravaged my entire extended friend group, all of whom were neurodivergent females. My close-knit friend group in real life all began identifying as some sort of trans. Soon followed my internet friend group as well. In both spaces it then spread even further to other extended female companions we had. Altogether, about twenty young women with whom I was close with, now identify as some flavor of trans, with a few of them currently suffering grave illness in their 30's due to complications from extensive testosterone use throughout their 20's. You can not tell me that this is not a social contagion, because IT FUCKING IS. I became a pariah because I refused to take T or id as "non-binary" (a make-believe, pseudo-spiritual identity with absolute 0 basis in reality). I became a pariah because of the simple "crime" of accepting myself as a lesbian.

I have been critical of trans ideology from the very get go, albeit in a "you do you, I do me" sort of way. If the individual was close to me or even clearly trying their best to assimilate and "pass" I was even cool with using their "preferred pronouns" no matter how wrong it felt. Live and let live, and all that. Honestly, I still AM like this towards TIPs who acknowledge that they aren't actually the opposite sex. You would think there would be no issue with that, but nah, I was met with comedically extreme resistance ("bigot"/"murderer"/"violence-promoter") for stating the simple fact that one can not actually change sex. I knew these accusations of bigotry were untrue words coming from disturbed minds (who needed help, not hormones...), but I was willing to forgive these egregious accusations on the grounds of "tolerance" and "being kind". However, in their minds I had to become a True and Honest Believer or else I was evil. Of course, they could never make me believe in the unreal, so I simply held my tongue and walked on eggshells with nearly every interaction, tying myself up in knots to please them.

This changed when I was sexually harassed (in real life and online) by multiple heterosexual trans-identified males for the crime of being a gay woman. "The right cock will fix you, as long as its wearing a frock." Legit the same shit coming from the hyper-religious right, but wrapped up in a glittery package complete with hideous make-up. Most of my friends sided with them, with the men threatening to "fix" me via heterosexual corrective rape.

All I have to say to that is: FUCK YOU.

I'm lucky to have made it to my 30's, and I'll be fucking damned before I let some delusional assholes continue to control how I act and feel. You only get one trip around this rock, and I'm done letting them invade my spaces online and threaten my safety in real life. Funny that, when all the lunatic jargon and double-speak is removed, this all boils down to straight (predominantly white) males trying to sexually dominate a profoundly disabled woman who doesn't want sex with them!

If you made it this far, congrats lol. PLEASE DO interact if you are a GC artist, but especially if you do fanart of HH or 80's/90's animation (especially lost media and foreign stuff). Please understand the characters and dynamics I find entertaining in fiction ARE NOT indicative of what I like irl!!!! I can never let go of "fandom" or being creative -- it's in my blood. Literally, I come from a family of artists. But I can't keep living in this bizarre upside down space where I am forced to kowtow to the delusions of every person who lives in a fantasy, and where I am encouraged to support blatantly narcissistic behavior at the expense of my own safety and happiness.

[a-murderous-cocoa]

I'm going to rant.

But sometimes I can't deal with people see me as a well functional person so they invalidate I'm literally insane by clinical measures. Like I'm mentally disabled in legal papers.

And when I go delulu they get mad at me for having a psychotic and erratic episode saying:

I should control it and be punished for my actions during those moments.

I'm not saying I should be forgive for some stuff I do when I think I'm being chased by an evil entity or even just think everyone is agaisnt me and planning my murder.

But sometimes I might seem coherent but I'm on other way other state of mind and let's not talk about delusional and hallucinations.

People think being neurodivergent is like the movies. But it doesn't look like it all the times. Most of the cases are not 100% one extreme point of the espectrum.

I'm like a meme. People be like You understand bad from good? And I don't. But I know (NOT understand) if I do X thing I would get C thing... most od the time I live on a delusion.

Even if i seem sane and talk as a sane person.

Even if I keep taking pills. Even if I keep seeking help.

I wish people without delusional mind would stop blaming delusional people for being delusional and not socially functional or not acting as how they want them to act.

You win nothing by scolding me and socially punishing me.

Just a simply "bro chill for a second" and I'm not asking it from strangers. I'm talking about people who befriend me and then FIGHT me about this.

Saying I'm a horrible person.

You know how much those words stuck in my brain?

I don't deserve help, people like me should die...should be psychoanalysis as kids and kill as soon as possible... people like me should never breed.

Those are my thought thanks of mean people who decoded to be assholes to me because I didn't fit their social standards because I'm.not mentally unstable enough to be considered disabled by them...but I'm too unfitted to deserve cordial and human treatment because I don't fit the normal norm either.

Even something I think Hitler was right to kill disabled people thanks to not neurodivergent people who bullied me to suicide.

[taibobo]

brain damaged postal dude mental illness lore hcs no one asked for and also self ship stuff

he has some kind of dissociative identity disorder, whether it’s DID or OSDD or how many alters he may have is entirely unclear and his levels of amnesia vary wildly depending on his mental state/what his alters were doing/why they fronted

the only alter he’s had contact with/actually recognizes the existence of is alter dude/the other dude (he calls him the other dude, but the alter self identifies as alter dude)

alter dude is pretty self aware of the reason why he exists and holds some significant level of childhood trauma related to postal dude’s father (who in this universe/my hc is the postal 1 postal dude or someone similar. an extremely mentally unstable paranoid man who may have involuntarily taken his delusions out on his kid. american health care is not good) this is why alter dude has the voice of rick hunter

postal dude is fairly pacifist and doesn’t kill people often, while alter dude kills people with only some modicum of discretion, usually when they’re keeping him from or antagonizing him while getting things done. postal dude is somewhat aware of this but has stopped letting it affect him because it doesn’t seem to matter

my s/i (i’m just gonna use first person from here on out lol) was informed at the beginning of the relationship that postal dude has at least one recognizable alter and was just like “oh. okay cool (is also mentally ill)” cause idgaf clearly

i am dating postal dude formally and dating alter dude informally. neither of them care because they consider themselves two parts of a whole and not really separate people. even if they did consider themselves separate identities they are not really the monogamous exclusive type so

alter dude is the less touchy/affectionate of the two, but makes up with it in a lot of false bravado and corny embarrassing dom flirting (he doesn’t know what he’s doing. he doesn’t exactly front during sex or dates and his memories of those aren’t shared mostly so he’s basically a hapless virgin)

postal dude is more physical in terms of his love language, but speaks much more casually and frankly as if i am like his best friend who he makes out with and says he loves. very good chill vibes

sometimes they get mad at each other because they basically operate like roommates who never see each other in terms of living. postal dude complaining about alter dude not washing the dishes or eating his food when he knows he’s been out, alter dude annoyed that postal dude doesn’t do his specific strange neurodivergent rituals, etc. they don’t actually hate each other though they just like to squabble

though dude’s head trauma didn’t give him his dissociative disorder or exacerbate it or anything it probably gave him some sort of physical symptom like chronic migraines or nerve damage. as someone who also has both of these i love projecting ❤️ and also it would make me a good nurse for him ❤️

i call alter dude A.D but he doesn’t like when anyone else calls him that. he just prefers being called dude by everyone else as if he’s the same guy as postal dude because he finds drawing attention to himself causes him more problems (which makes him want to kill which triggers his stuff about his dad which makes him more violent etc etc. negative feedback loop. he’s gotten a little better at grounding himself though)

champ can tell the difference between the two and treats them differently. he’s basically their service dog but without any real formal training. he’s just a smart boy

[the-holy-void]

blog trigger warnings ⚠️

Mental illness, paranoia, sa, depression, psychosis, anxiety, delusions, hallucinations, sh, OCD, GAD, dissociation, eds, skin picking.

welcome to my blog I DO NOT SUPPORT OR PROMOTE ANYTHING . this is a vent space for me to cope with poor mental health.

this blog is safe for people with schizospec/psychotic disorders, cluster B disorders, and people with dissociative disorders <3 its tough out there : )

DNI: people who complain about cringe, let people live. people who are into "fake disorder cringe" you have no idea whats going on with someone you dont know. people who spread bigotry (racism, homophbia, transphobia, gatekeeping sexuality and gender, terfs, etc). people who judge how quickly some one is recovering. people who judge coping mechanisms. people who feel a need to correct grammar and spelling

about me

pronouns: they/them, he/him

I am neurodivergent and struggle with mental illness. my diagnosis is for me to know.

[the-boxy-journals]

Pinned Post!

Content Warnings

This blog contains honest- and sometimes heavy- content about mental health and queer identity.

Minors are discouraged from interacting with and reading this blog.

I’ve done my best to use tags that improve filtering of certain triggers. Let me know if I can add or improve any.

Possible triggering queer content: gender dysphoria, description of gendered body parts, injection and needles, hate crime mention

Possible triggering mental health content: depression, delusions, derealization, disordered eating, voluntary hospitalization, intrusive thoughts, s*lf h*rm, s**cidal id**tion and behavior

Other possible triggering content: parent with cancer, legal substance use, pet loss

Below cut: About Me and Posts So Far

About Me

* 29yo nonbinary AFAB with masculine traits from HRT

* Not picky about pronouns. They/them is fine.

* Started college full time at 15, dropped out twice, graduated nine years later

* Diagnosed with: Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder (ARFID), ADHD (inattentive type), OCD, depression, anxiety

* Past diagnoses I had before ASD: Asperger’s Syndrome, Pragmatic Language Disorder, Sensory Processing/Integration Disorder

* I may post content from dark times in my life. But rest assured I am currently stable, medicated, and in a safe place. I have a solid social and medical support network.

* Insert obligatory “relating to me doesn’t make you neurodivergent/trans, and not relating me doesn’t make you neurotypical/cis” disclaimer here. Every person with my condition(s) is different.

Posts So Far

No Associated Date

Raindrops on the sidewalk

Miscellaneous autism things

Audio processing

Too-loud and too-quiet autism

2011 (high school graduation)

Holding the door

2015-2017 (computer science college, internship, and library job)

Low spoons

Fluff class and repeated class

Erdly

2018 (hospitalized, start T, mom gets cancer, college graduation)

Gender conflict and cocoon

Toss me a floaty

2019 (first year of independent living)

No more

Rearrange furniture!

Light bulbs and paper

Interrupting

Water

2022 (ED treatment)

ARFID and ED treatment

2023

Don’t rock the boat in Oklahoma

Dating sim

[thedysphoriadiaries]

Entry 47 - 22 April 2023, 5:29pm

This was a post that I meant to post two days ago, but, never got around to doing it.

I still haven't cut my hair. It's a frazzled mess which extends to my shoulders (maybe a little beyond).

I still haven't cut it, despite the promises I made to a friend of mine with whom I'll be working. To that extent, I've decided to get tomorrow's shift cancelled. There's no point in going to work when all you want is to be left alone.

Come on la, I've already got so much on my plate, don't make me come chase you for these sorts of things. How many times have you let me down?

...

Why'd you lie to me?

...

I don't know why. I lie all the time, about being fine. I trust you don't want to know your friend has been sneaking out of the house at four in the morning when things get too much for them to handle.

I trust you don't want to know how your friend's appetite has been shrinking ever since they got off the patch which made them feel ever so slightly more alive.

I'm sure you don't want to know how they scribble in their little black book.

...

...

sigh.

...

I... don't know what to do now. The counselling appointment is... months away.

...

I will not participate in your delusion.

...

Is this all there is to it? Just a delusion? It makes me wonder if this is just something that I'll have to accept. That I was born male, and having a cis girl's body isn't possible in my lifetime.

I bet you're fucking laughing at me for questioning my own identity.

Yeah. Try living with those stupid feelings (of being different from other guys, and feeling crushes on basically every girl and woman you come into extended contact with) for over half your life before ever trying to talk to me about it.

Try living with your partner, only to realize that you want to be her. Imagine feeling that even more viscerally than love. Imagine being intimate with her (seeing, and feeling for the first times in your life that girls don't have dicks), and wanting her features for yourself.

...

It's why, I'm just... not going to remind myself of that. I'll just... cast it out of my mind. Lock it in the same box which I've locked Lynn in. Yet, even from within the box, she has some form of power over me, for she knows one thing I don't.

...

The happiness of existing.

...

It's why I strangle her. Whip her. Lash out at her, with my thoughts. Thoughts that this is just a delusion. That I should accept that I'm just a guy with weird thoughts due to neurodivergence or something.

But she absolutely refuses to give up or die - a trait both of us share, being two sides of the same soul. So, I lock her in the box.

I know the box won't do anything. Maybe it'll make me forget that she ever was there, when I pile the trinkets I collect over the course of my life, over the box.

But maybe, it's just another test of life. To see if I can accept something as fundamental as my own place in my body. And what if it's not? What if it's genuinely how my life is meant to play out?

...

I think about her. Cis (?) girl me, from that thought experiment I did over six years ago. I've never given her a name, and she hasn't told me yet, though, I know that she's a pretty reasonable girl. In a way, she is me, the same way I am her.

...

What would you do if you woke up beside a version of you that's of the opposite sex?

my answer to that still stands - try to find out how life was like for her.

Whether I want something more is yet to be seen.

...

cool song time:

but then, flofy wrote this entry

-saxophone plays-

it's a meme from Wirtual's videos on trackmania (but then, hefest got this run)

[mangodestroyer]

Dear Abusive Brother

You're 21-years-old now and you still haven't changed. You've been horrid to me for the past 12 years, and mom let you get away with it. Even sometimes encouraged it. I used to think it was because you were young and going through a phase. I thought you would eventually grow out of it because of how sweet you used to be. Look at you now? You're in your 20's and you're still like this.

It's so obvious to me now that you won't change. Your brain is almost done developing. I guess you're just destined to be a POS. It's embedded into your personality to be loud, egotistical, and abusive. I've been studying up on the psychology behind abusive individuals because they are unfortunately ever present in my life (hint hint YOU). Now I think I understand you better. And I can't say I take you as seriously anymore because I've come to realized that you live in a grandiose delusion. Maybe it's not your fault you turned out that way. You grew up in a shitty household too. You were shown callousness from some, and praise from others because you were "gifted." Later, you started getting positive attention because you are "handsome" and "charming." As if your ego wasn't already big enough. And it's obvious you were mom's favorite while I was clearly not.

So you faced hardship and also had your ego stroked constantly. And you were allowed to get away with so many bad behaviors. It's a recipe for disaster, raising a child like that. But it's done now. It's too late. I can only pity you the same way I pity a rabid dog. You're a lost cause and you're very bad for me. I know you don't care because you made it very clear that you don't love me (and tbh, I'm still very confused as to what I did to cause that because you never give me a coherent answer as to why), but I will not talk to you once we are no longer living with each other. I don't give a flying fuck how much it upsets mom. I'm not attending events with you. You aren't going to my wedding if I ever have one. I want nothing to do with you anymore because you've hurt me so badly and I'm a mess. You aren't the only person who's hurt me, but you still left some serious mental scars. I'm serious, you could become the riches person in the world and move to a different country. Leave me behind. Never talk to me again. And I wouldn't feel the tiniest bit resentful that you're living it up (even if you don't deserve it). I would just be happy that you are no longer in my life.

You are awful. You're straight up evil. I don't love you anymore. I only grieve for the brother I thought I could have had. And I know you found it stupid when I said it, but I really do wish I had a brother. But I don't. I hope you never get into a relationship. I'm afraid of what you might do to your SO. I hope you don't have kids either. If any of them turn out neurodivergent, I know you're going to ruin their life. You're going to think they're psycho, kind of like how you call all my socially awkward behaviors psycho, and you'll abuse them for it. You probably won't even love them.

You do sometimes treat people who aren't me pretty well though. This is why I sometimes wondered if it was me who was the problem. Mom made me feel like I was pretty awful too. Even evil at times. I started seriously doubting myself. I've gone through some horrible dissociative episodes because I couldn't handle the pain all of this put me through. I sometimes have panic attacks thinking about how awful everyone must think I am when I make one little mistake. I sometimes want to die. I sometimes want to hurt myself and apologize for existing. You've really made me feel so worthless and unwanted.

But then you sometimes let your charm crack and you start acting vile with others too. Just not to the extent you do with me. You only take it so far with me because you were taught that I am pretty unimportant. I was taught to never have boundaries. And I was taught that no one would be there for me when you start abusing me. So maybe you would abuse a SO who has no boundaries too. And then make everyone hate them so you can justify the abuse. It makes me sick just thinking about it. It's why I never tell you when people say they have a crush on you. Trust me, I know you seem so handsome, nice, intelligent, and charming on the surface, but I don't want them to know the real you.

I don't think I can ever forgive you for playing a part in fucking me up like that. Ever since I entered the adult world, I ended up attracting some predatory people who weren't good for me. I cut them out when I realized they were no good for me because I can't fucking do this again. But now I don't feel like I can trust people anymore. I'm learning to be a healthier individual and have started learning about red flags and whatnot, but I'm so afraid it won't work and I'll continue to attract people who find my happiness upsetting, don't love me for who I am, don't respect my boundaries, and in some ways, many ways, remind me of you. And who remind me of mom too. I'd rather be single for the rest of my life than be married to someone who is a lot like either of you. Or any abusive individual for that matter.

Fuck you for ruining me! Go to Hell!

[flashfuture]

Funny how neurodivergent people are totally valid until their symptoms annoy/inconvenience you or don’t fit a narrative you’re trying to spin about them. 

[the-ghost-king]

Schizophrenic Nico, here's why I think it's possible:

I want to start off by saying these are just my thoughts, there is no one way to be schizophrenic or to have schizophrenia. It's also important to note that many of the schizophrenic symptoms overlap with other mental illnesses/nuerodivergences like ADHD, Autism, Depression, and OCD which I know many people who head canon Nico as having. I'm not arguing schizophrenic Nico is more correct, more canon, or more right, but to explain some thoughts on why I think it's possible/very likely he does so I can use this for future reference in various thing.

I am using the term schizophrenia as a catchall for all "types" of schizophrenia, but not for schizoaffective disorder which I would say Nico probably doesn't have.

Children born in the winter/those who were "sickly" as babies are more likely to develop schizophrenia. It may also be possible if your mother was sick while pregnant with you, or having a father who was significantly older when he had you.

A stressful life, especially trauma, are more likely to develop schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder. It likely has something to do with excessive dopamine production, but it may also have something to do with the same genes that control the sleep-wake cycle. Schizophrenia is more common with other mental illnesses or with other nuerodivergences or developmental delays.

Common symptoms include:

Hallucinations

Delusions

Disorganized thinking

lack of motivation

slow movement

change in sleep patterns

poor grooming or hygiene

changes in body language and emotions

less interest in social activities

Now what does this mean for Nico, and why do I think it's likely he has Schizophrenia?

Let's start with Nico's childhood, "children born in the winter/those who were "sickly" as babies are more likely to develop schizophrenia". Although Rick proposed two birthdays for Nico, the fandom generally accepted the January date more fully. We also know that Nico is described as small when he was younger, smallness is common in children who grow up sickly, but it is also common in children who's mother was ill while pregnant with them. We obviously don't know if Nico was sick as a kid, or if Maria was sick while pregnant with him, but again being born in the winter makes these things more likely, as well as consideration for the time period Nico grew up in and the larger variety of illnesses going around at the time. (He is vaccinated against some things though).

Trauma and Nico... do I really have to go into super detail on this one? He spent his childhood growing up in a fascist country that was extremely racist/anti-Semitic/homophobic/etc, his mom died when he was a child- in front of him, his father intentionally gave him amnesia, his sister died when he was a child, he then proceeded to become homeless living/spending lots of time with Minos who verbally (and possibly physically) abused him, becoming aware of his past memories, becoming aware of the fact that many people hated him because of his father and because they thought he was joining the other side (therefore, he was "bad"), he fought in many battles as a child, fought monsters alone, was often faced with life or death situations, went to Tartarus alone (where the goddess of misery told him he was "perfect"), was trapped in a hostage situation with little/no air for a long time while people debated whether or not to save him, was outed against his will, was freed only to travel again fighting monsters and then win a battle, was eventually made to quest with Apollo despite still having lots of healing to do in ToN. So stressful life? Fuck yeah, that doesn't being to cover it.

Genetic factors, obviously nothing here is confirmed so I'm speculating a little bit again, but the common idea in regards to Hades children through the series is that they are "bad". Mental illnesses have been stigmatized for hundreds, if not thousands of years, and often mentally ill people were made out to be weird/bad/etc. It's more than possible there is some sort of genetic factor taking place, also "having a father who was significantly older when he had you". Although I doubt godly genes work the same as mortal ones (trust me I have lots of thoughts on how god genetics/DNA work, but that's not the point right now), I think Hades being the oldest out of all his brothers and having a reputation for having "questionable" children says something... We have no information on Maria's family history at all.

As for schizophrenia often occurring with other mental illnesses and/or neurodivergences: Nico canonically is implied to have either ADHD and/or Autism, and is canonically stated to have PTSD. I think most people would agree that saying Nico has or has had depression isn't a stretch in the slightest.

So canonically we can all agree Nico has severe trauma and coinciding mental health issues/neurodivergences, so out of 4 possible issues I’ve first presented we guaranteeably have two. If I wanted to stretch this a little I would give myself a half point for him being born in the winter and a half point for the aspect of Hades genetics but I won’t do that.

On top of that schizophrenia usually appears during teenage and young adult years in people who receive diagnosis; most people live with mental illness for a few months or a few years in some cases before they're able to receive a diagnosis. Nico being 15 (16 by the end of ToN/shortly following the end of ToN) is about the age that schizophrenia would start to make an appearance. It's also more likely to be found in men, with men also noticing the appearance of schizophrenia appearing early in their lives, and experiencing more negative symptoms in comparison to the higher commonality of affective symptoms in women. That's a really complicated explanation to basically say there's 3 more things that would make Nico having schizophrenia make more sense.

Alright, let’s go back to the list of symptoms I provided:

Hallucinations

Delusions

Disorganized thinking

lack of motivation

slow movement

change in sleep patterns

poor grooming or hygiene

changes in body language and emotions/behavior

less interest in social activities

Once again, some of these are not solely related to schizophrenia and can be the result of other mental health issues, I’m just going to go down the list and add in some moments from the books in which Nico shows some of these traits/behaviors.

Delusions/Hallucinations (more later)

Our best chances for understanding Nico's thought process is in Blood of Olympus where he has a P.O.V... Sometimes Nico's thoughts do derail, or sometimes they get a little confusing, but not always, and when talking to others he is consistent and aware of what he's saying, as well as blunt. Anything "off" about his thought patterns to me just seems like ADHD..

Dietary changes (whether or not you think he has an eating disorder) are behavioral changes (I personally think Nico has AFRID)

Within House of Hades Nico's poor sleep patterns are constantly referenced, and I'll give him a pass on poor hygiene because he's in the middle of a quest but still..

I have extremely complicated feelings on what Will says here, it's possible Nico is an extremely unreliable narrator (unlikely, it seems many people are bothered by him and only maybe a handful aren't), I've also thought at many points this was Rick trying to backtrack some stuff with Nico because he realized he'd made his story a little too harsh for a kids book, it could also be Will's trauma kicking in and that happening... I'm not counting it as full proof about Nico disliking social interactions, but Nico does try to leave even after this conversation and isn't convinced to stay until the last chapter, so maybe there's something to be said about people's dislike of him for being a Hades kid- but I think it's fair to say Nico also dislikes people at least some because he doesn't have interest in trying to befriend anyone either, and is quick to assume all people dislike him (paranoia/low self esteem/and some other possible stuff). There's lots of discussions to be had about this quote and other similar ones, and I don't think a broad brush approach of "Nico good everyone else bad" is accurate it's more, "Nico is good but he fails to try and you have to work on your own mental health everyone won just go to you, and also people dislike Nico for silly reasons and need to get over themselves and make an effort too". (I'm extremely oversimplifying my thoughts and feelings to keep it brief.)

More on delusions and hallucinations:

Now I want to state that lots of schizophrenia symptoms share a lot of commonalities with ADHD and with depression, so although I might include some moments you think are just ADHD/depression I wouldn’t necessarily disagree with you but they could also be schizophrenia or coexisting mental health issues/divergences. I also went through the DSM-5 for schizophrenia (the DSM-5 is just this big book with lists and it’s how doctors diagnose any mental health issue/divergence), I also looked through the DSM-IV (an older book from before DSM-5 which is no longer really used) and the differences between the diagnosis was fairly minimal but they quit categorizing types of schizophrenia and instead rely more on a couple of word descriptions that seem more in line with a spectrum rather than a checkable box.

In order to receive a schizophrenia diagnosis, two (or more) of the following, each present for a significant portion of time during a 1-month period (or less if successfully treated), and at least one of these symptoms must be (1), (2), or (3):

Delusions

Hallucinations

Disorganized speech (frequent derailment or incoherence)

Grossly disorganized or catatonic behavior

Negative symptoms (i.e., diminished emotional expression or avolition).

It’s important to note that only one of these need to be checked off/true if the patient has voices which narrate their actions/behaviors/thoughts or if the person has more than one voice conversing with each other.

Nico deals with auditory hallucinations (2), he believes the voice belongs to Bob, his titan friend he left in Tartarus:

However this isn’t and immediate diagnosis because Bob’s voice doesn’t talk to another voice(s) in Nico’s head, and we don’t know if Nico has voices running commentary on his behaviors/thoughts.

The reason I state we are unaware if Nico has commentary isn’t because Nico hasn’t said anything, but because many people with schizophrenia before their diagnosis believe the narrative voices are just their thoughts and are a normal internal monologue- usually patients don’t realize anything is wrong until the voices start providing commentary on their actions so instead of “washing the dishes now” the voice(s) might say “wash the dishes now, you’re so lazy you can’t do anything, idiot” during a period of psychosis which may help them acknowledge that the voice(s) isn’t the way most people experience internal voice(s). It is very possible Nico is unaware he is experiencing narrative thoughts and simply assumes that his experience is something most people have, but I won’t use this to argue my point because it’s not confirmation of anything.

Returning now to Bob, Nico knows he is hearing Bob’s voice but he believes Bob is calling to him from Tartarus. Now, Nico says the voices are calling to him from Tartarus but there’s no confirmation of this anywhere… What I think is happening is Nico has a guilty conscience. He feels bad for “using” Bob to get out of Tartarus and various other things, so he feels bad that he is still down there. However, we don’t really know if Bob is calling to him or if Bob is able to do that- what I personally think is happening here is Nico’s brain is convincing Nico that Bob needs him because Nico is upset with himself for not helping Bob more, but also because Nico has never “sat still” before without a quest. Nico has also always felt the want to be needed/important...

It very well could be a delusion.

Schizophrenic patients often experience delusions which make them think they are destined for greatness, or that they have some divine/high force calling out to them for help that only they can provide. It’s an extremely common thing in individuals who experience delusions, and is in fact one of the most common delusions experienced. So although Bob could really be calling out to Nico, I don’t think he is, it doesn’t entirely make sense and there’s lots of little things which point to it being not entirely real- like the fact that nobody else knows about it? Or how absolutely sure Nico is that he need to return to Tartarus? It seems like a mixture of PTSD, delusions, and trauma response (returning to the trauma), working against him. I’ll say delusion is very likely (1).

Using these two factors alone there’s sufficient evidence for diagnosis, but let’s keep going just to see.

For disorganized speech (3) this isn’t something Nico seems to struggle with, and even if he did “derailing” could be ADHD or Autism, so I don’t think this symptom pertains to him.

Changes in behavior (4), seem to all be explainable via depression and/or PTSD- he has begun to express emotion again in Tower of Nero upon learning of Jason’s death he is said to be upset by Will and he walks off to be alone, seems like depression to me. Emotional/Behavior changes from schizophrenia tend to relate more to bipolar disorder rather than a depressive disorder, so I would say if Nico has schizophrenia he probably doesn’t have emotional or behavioral changes from it. If he did he might have some catatonic behavior, but this seems to be clearing up some in Tower of Nero so I’m not super sure on that, maybe during bad periods of psychosis behavioral changes occur, but I would lean more towards this isn’t a symptom Nico personally deals with. Negative symptoms (5) tie into this same idea, it’s possible it’s schizophrenia, but it’s more likely PTSD or depression at work.

So why do I care so much about the possibility of Nico being schizophrenic?

I feel like canonically/fanonically making Nico schizophrenic does a few things, firstly schizophrenic rep in media is extremely extremely awful- can you think off the top of your head of a schizophrenic character who isn't from a horror film/a murder/a villain in their own story? Maybe, but personally I can only think of one which is Charlie from Perks of Being a Wallflower- and even then? That's not canon, it's only implied- and it might not even be true

Schizophrenic media representation always paints schizophrenic people as bad, scary, and evil, and although the horror genre is extremely well known for being super ableist, transphobic, racist, homophobic, and misogynistic (just the final cherry on top) having one of the first- if not the first openly confirmed schizophrenic characters in children's media not only be someone who has lots of character development, and isn't a stereotype, but also be someone people have grown up with, cared for, and sympathized with- would be extremely monumental.

People with schizophrenia and other related disorders aren't something to be scared of or to think of as bad, and often times they're more bothered by whatever they're experiencing than you are.

I don't have schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder or anything like that, but I have various undiagnosed mental health issues which often lead to me questioning reality, or having to set aside time to convince myself that no there isn't a man living in my wall... Having a character have to question those things, work through those feelings, and learn to trust themselves and care for themselves even with those difficulties would be really great to see in media, not just for people with schizophrenia but also for people with similar/related disorders who might share symptoms see parts of their own struggles in a good, educative way.

I have to finish this in two parts because tumblr keeps breaking because there's too many words in my post lmao (2nd part here)

[jewin-your-mom]

On Ableist Language, and Why Cutting Out Slurs is Not Enough.

Okay okay okay so. Call me absurd, but I think the sentiment of phasing out the word ‘r*tard’ and other ableist slurs (ps*cho, narcissist [used in an inappropriate context], invalid etc.) is COMPLETELY USELESS when we don’t combine that effort with the sentiment that neurodivergency/mental illness and its symptoms are something that should not be made fun of in the first place.

Let me explain.

I have witnessed a number of people, both offline and online, substitute words like r*tard with equally horrible phrases and descriptions.

(General ‘you’ used from this point sometimes. I am not speaking necessarily to the reader; I just find it the easiest way to express my thoughts.)

It is not ‘better’ to call someone incompetent, braindead, socially inept etc. rather than r*tard, you understand that right? In fact, when that tactic is used against me, I am actually way more offended than if you had just called me a slur! I would very, very much rather you call me r*tarded than call me a naive childish idiot who cannot comprehend what is said to me! (That is just my own personal preference, and it is valid to feel otherwise, though I do know others share my sentiments.)

At least when people use slurs in a negative context, I know EXACTLY what they think of disabled/mentally ill people right off the bat, and can disregard their ableist opinions right away! You people who play Scrabble with your insults in an effort to seem ‘haha funny joke about disabled people on the Internet...but still progressive!’ are fucking cowards, in my opinion! Can’t even own your own bigotry, can you?

I think people who don’t make an effort to actually eradicate ableist thought processes in their daily lives tend to show this a lot; they do the bare minimum of removing the worst slurs from their vocabulary, yet don’t consider WHY they’ve removed that language in the first place. This leaves them with leftover thought processes and ideas that don’t ever get challenged. They now believe they are no longer ableist just because they don’t say literal slurs. I’ve noticed it tends to lead to ableist attitudes that still show through when these people get annoyed enough to decide that, since you are disabled/mentally ill, they can take their feelings out on you.

Examples of these leftover thought processes I’ve noticed:

“People who are less intelligent than me are lesser than me as a person. Therefore, I am not obligated to listen to these people or take their thoughts into consideration solely based on their perceived intelligence.”

“People who experience delusions, paranoia, or hallucinations are not to be trusted. Therefore, I should treat them as an ‘other’ whenever I interact with them, and not trust anything they say.”

“People who speak, act, think, or exist in a different way as I do must be wrong. Therefore, I must find the core tenants of their being that contributes to them being this way, and I must insult these things they cannot control if we ever engage in literally any sort of conflict.”

It is NOT BETTER to insult someone for being apparently less intelligent or ‘sane’ than you JUST because you don’t use a slur. I consider most attacks on perceived intelligence/sanity without slurs THE EXACT SAME as the ones that use slurs. We should not have to fall on our hands and knees to BEG people to not treat us in an ableist manner.

Do not consider yourself better than the average ableist just because you don’t use slurs. I, and many other disabled/mentally ill people, are offended when you insult our disabilities, minds, or our illnesses REGARDLESS of what language you use.

Do better by disabled and mentally ill people. Don’t fucking insult what we can’t control. If you’re THAT bugged by us, just block us.

(P.S. THIS INCLUDES PEOPLE YOU DON’T AGREE WITH, SURPRISINGLY! It doesn’t make you less ableist if you only use that language against people you disagree with on the Internet; it just tells other disabled/mentally ill people around you that you’ll turn on them if you ever decide they’re not neurotypical enough.)

[5typesoftrash]

SPN Pride Week Day 1: Coming Out / Flags

I'm so excited for this event! I really liked this little drabble and I hope the folx over at @spnprideweek like it too <3

~~~~

“Hey Dean,” Jack says timidly while Dean’s cooking omelettes. “Can I talk to you after breakfast?” He glances around the kitchen, where Sam is shredding cheese and Cas is making coffee. “Alone?”

Dean’s a little taken by surprise – he hasn’t exactly been the best to the kid in the past – but he smiles and places a hand on his shoulder. “Sure thing, kiddo.”

Jack looks relieved, visibly relaxing. “Thanks, Dean!” he says cheerfully and goes to sit at the table.

Breakfast is a calm affair, as it usually is. Dean doesn’t spike his coffee with booze anymore; being with Cas has broken him of that habit. Jack steals a sip of Sam’s coffee, like he does every morning (since Sam can’t resist the kid) and makes his grossed-out face when he doesn’t like it, the same way he does every morning. It’s beautiful, honestly, the routine that they’ve created together in the peaceful mornings on their little lake house. It’s something Dean never imagined he’d be allowed to have.

They leave Sam and Cas to clean the table and walk into Jack’s room. Jack won’t make eye contact with Dean, shuffling his feet and rubbing his shirt to calm himself. “You okay, kid?” Dean asks.

Jack glances at him furtively, then looks back at the floor. “I don’t think I’m a boy,” he says. Dean tilts his head.

“Okay,” he replies easily. “Are you a girl?”

“I don’t know yet,” Jack mumbles. “But I don’t think so. I think I’m something else. Something… other. I feel like the only way I can describe it is angel. Like, I’m an angel, and that is my gender.”

Dean furrows his brow and nods. “Well, I’ve never heard of that before, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. Wanna look it up?”

Jack looks up at him with excitement glistening in his eyes. “Yeah!” he exclaims excitedly. Dean sits down at Jack’s laptop with Jack standing behind him, looking over his shoulder, and types ‘angelgender’ into the Google search bar.

It brings up a page from the LGBTA Wiki | Fandom, followed by a tumblr tag. Dean chooses to ignore tumblr and opts for the Wiki.

“‘Angelgender’,” he reads, “‘is a gender identity for neurodivergent people’ – what does neurodivergent mean?”

Jack glances at him. “I think it’s autism and ADHD and stuff. Like your brain doesn’t work the same way as most people’s.”

“Oh,” Dean says. “Well, you’re pretty autistic, so I guess that’s okay then.”

Jack looks confused. “What do you mean?”

“Sam and I have been doing research on it, and it turns out you take after your dad. We haven’t had you officially screened yet but we’re pretty sure you have autism. We can get you screened officially if you want.”

“Yeah, that’d be nice,” Jack says happily. Dean smiles and puts a hand on his arm for a moment before going back to the Wiki page.

“‘Angelgender is a gender identity for neurodivergent people that is connected to angels. It was primarily intended for autistic people and people with delusions, though any neurodivergent person can use it. It can be a gender based in religion or based in media, as long as it's based around angels. It can be an umbrella term for other angel-related genders. It is also the opposite of Devilgender.’ That’s pretty cool. Do you think it describes your experience?”

Jack nods. “That’s perfect! That’s exactly what my gender feels like.”

“I like that flag,” Dean muses. “Do you like it?”

Jack grins. “It’s pretty. I love it.”

“I’m gonna buy you a pin with that on it. What pronouns do you want to use?”

“He is okay for right now, but maybe I’ll change them later. I’m exploring pronouns that are outside of the trinary.”

Dean grins. “You’re such a smart kid,” he murmurs. “Now, let’s look into something else real quick…”

~~

“Sam! Castiel!” Jack bounds down the stairs from the entrance to the living room. “Look what I have!”

He spins in a circle, his brand new cape twirling behind him. Sam stops him and reaches out to grab the material.

It’s a pride flag. A yellow stripe, a white stripe, a purple stripe, and a black stripe. Sam grins. “Nonbinary?”

“Yeah!” Jack says happily. “Angelgender.” He looks at Cas, smiling. “I’m autistic like you!”

Cas walks over to him, a soft smile gracing his features. “I’m very glad you’re happy,” he declares, pulling Jack into an embrace. “You are the most precious thing in the world to me.”

Jack grins, burying his face in Cas’ shoulder. “I love you, Castiel.”

“I love you too, Jack.”

Dean is watching them with fondness from the top of the stairs. “I got him a pin,” he offers. “And I bought the flag. Turned it into a cape.”

“Dean is the best mom ever!” Jack yells excitedly, and Dean’s face goes red.

[subtly-menacing]

About the line between psychological otherkin and reclaiming nonhumanity in a symbolic way

I have thought about this regarding my kintype a lot, so when this discussion came about I wanted to try to find the words to describe how I feel about this.

I mean. I'm not cisgender, or monogamous, or perisex, or straight, or neurotypical. A lot of those things alienate me from various connections I could have otherwise. Not only that, I'm a Christian mythos adjacent demon and "demonic/satanic influence" is often cited by Christian religious fundamentalists to justify those things being illnesses, failures or otherwise bad.

Also. I do experience some form or maladaptive daydreaming, so it would be really easy for me to project myself into a fantasy and imagine stories about being any sort of nonhuman being, and/or fictional character, as long as they were appealing enough. Although my kintype isn't solely defined by past or present stories, I did notice patterns regarding scenarios or parame ("self insert character" within daydreams) traits that helped me figure out things about my kintype.

Which means that, in theory, me seeing myself as a demon could be seen as some sort of projection based on reclaiming archetypes used in the society I live against people like me.

So. Here are my opinions:

I don't think "can this be explained with normal human things" is a good rule of thumb. Most people don’t share their non-normative thoughts, so it's hard to separate "normal human thing" from "nonhuman only thing". Especially for those who, like me, never had a lot of close friends to talk to.

What I think is more helpful is thinking about how prevalent and "attached" (for the lack of a better word) this identity is.

So, say someone adopts the identity of a changeling, a demon, an orc, a cat, a rabbit, an alien, a Mewtwo, a crystal gem or whatever/whoever else either because of neurodivergence itself (in the case of delusions, for instance) or because of dehumanization and/or isolation.

(And while someone could forge a linktype because of this, since we're mostly talking about being otherkin here, let's say this adoption is or can be seen as unconscious and/or that this process ends or can end up on the kintype not being a choice because it's tied to permanent identities and/or experiences.)

The thing is. Does this person consider themself Other over this? If it's just for jokes, internet nicknames, aesthetics and daydreams the person considers to be separate from their real self, that's probably not an alterhuman experience.

But, if the person deeply sees themself as Other; if the person considers what does it mean to be Other in the way they are and in what ways their life is affected by it; if the person sees their identity as something they were always meant to be and can't just stop if it's inconvenient? I don't think it would be right to consider this roleplaying/wishkin.

And this basically means it's mostly based on what someone thinks about that identity themself; how much they want to explore it and/or how much they think it's tied to their sense of self. Maybe someone can have sort of the same experiences I've had but then came to the conclusion they are not just deep/just part of a mix of finding an archetype cool and projecting onto it in a neurodivergent way.

This is where the "experience over strict definitions" stuff gets relevant, right? I'm not a demon just because of taste in media or shifts, or even because other people could (and already did) call me demon as an insult, but because I need to be aware of the stuff I have to work through for being what I am in a humancentric society, because seeing myself as demonkin makes sense in a way that's deeper than what I'm able to express, and because this is not something that goes away based on trends or interests.

Of course, others can have other reasons as to why/how they are otherkin even though it could, at least in theory, be explained away. And a lot of similar experiences can also be filed under otherlink or othervague instead of otherkin, I suppose. The line can be quite fuzzy, and that's why I find selfdetermination and knowledge about alterhuman labels to be so important.