#let me fucking fly free! I am a black seagull in my soul and I need to fucking run away about it. please understand

[loststolenorstrayed]

.

[sockablock]

(TW for panic attacks and discussions about trauma)

— — —

The thing is, Beau's friends are shit fighters.

To be clear—she's not saying that they're bad at fighting, gods know Veth's a force of nature with her crossbow and all of the spell-slingers can kill with a word—it's just that when it comes to fighting, actual fighting, that down-and-dirty fist-on-flesh shit, her friends suck. Most of 'em just run, or they’d sweet-talk a surrender, or go back to slinging spells.

Beau would never admit she misses the Soul, but at least those people knew how to block. At least Dairon would make her work for it, wouldn't tell her to please, gods, Beau, stop punching me, I give!

Fjord's better these days, but not good enough.

Which is why, on their third morning back in Nicodranas, when Beau opens the door to see Yasha looking restless, she knows exactly what's up.

"Should I get my staff?"

Yasha shrugs. She usually does.

"I'll grab it. Down in five."

Beau considers grabbing some toast too, but she remembers how antsy Yasha seemed and figures she should try to avoid puking in Marion’s yard.

Yasha is stretching when she gets there. The gate swings behind her with a gentle clunk, and she kicks her shoes off, curls her toes in the grass. The sun is barely broken above rooftops and towers, and the first chime of church bells ring out overhead.

Beau yawns a little, but it’s just for flavor. Mind games. She’s not actually sleepy.

“We do not have to—” 

She quickly waves her hand. “It’ll wake me up. You know, get the blood pumping.”

Yasha smiles a little at that. It’s always such a small one, but it’s getting to be familiar.

“I got up early. I couldn’t sleep. Er...sorry.”

Beau doubles her effort to be dismissive. “Don’t apologize to me, Yasha. C’mon. You think I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t want to?”

This seems to be a winning argument. Yasha nods, like she can’t imagine Beau doing anything she doesn’t want.

Maybe it’s the crisp ocean breeze, maybe it’s the way they circle each other in the yard. Maybe it’s the fresh brush of gauze on her fists.

Beau wants to win.

She dives in, pulls low, uses her quick movement to catch Yasha off-guard and get in as closely as she can. Yasha’s tall, broad, strong as an ox, and even holding back, she could wind Beau with a punch. She presses even closer, limiting Yasha’s motions, sweeps out a leg and cuts up when Yasha moves. The two of them duck and weave and push, neither allowing the other an inch, fists flying, blows being blocked and sweat beginning to pour down their backs. Beau lands a hit that leaves Yasha grunting, then stumbles when a wild haymaker knocks her back. It’s clear that Yasha was never taught any form, just scraped it all together by surviving on the moors and her chaotic movement, high endurance, and reckless confidence just make her deadlier.

Beau tries to close in again, but a lucky kick forces her a pace too far. Her knuckles are bruising in that numb, seething way, and so she darts to the side, grabs her staff, vaults up and then arcs her foot to Yasha’s face—

The dance starts again, this time hardwood hitting forearms and on anyone else, Beau might even feel guilty about it. But Yasha barely seems to register the thwack, her teeth bared in a sideways grin, her eyes hard and excited and alive. Beau’s probably wearing the same expression. She hears herself laughing, and knows that she is. Up-swing, down-swing, slide left, throw a punch, block one, dart back, duck and then—

Yasha’s fist catches her right in the gut, sends Beau lurching flat into the dirt. She chokes her own breath, coughs up dust, barely gets an elbow up with Yasha leaning over her, blotting out the sun, raising Beau’s staff for a finishing strike—

Halts.

It’s like watching a tower fall. Yasha staggers back. She drops the staff. She lifts her hands and stares at her palms and Beau hears a mangled breath. Her knees give. She collapses on herself.

Beau scrambles up, aching limbs forgotten.

“Yasha?” she says. “Yasha? Are you—is—what’s wrong?”

Yasha sucks in more air, but that just seems to make things worse. Her shoulders tremble and her lungs sound ragged.

“Aw, shit,” says Beau, “I mean—fuck—uh—”

She half-runs, half-crawls, ‘til she’s at Yasha’s side. She wants to put her hand on Yasha’s arm, thinks better of it, panics a little more. She wishes she were Jester. She wishes she were Cad. They’d know what to do, they’d be better at this than her, anyone, hell, Marius would be better at this than her—

But it’s her, and everyone’s still in the house, so she shakes her head and stamps the fear down. 

“Yasha, I...aw, fuck, I’m—I’m here, it’s okay, nothing’s wrong—” clearly something is wrong, idiot, “—I mean, um, you’re safe here, okay? It’ll be alright. I’m here, and I’ll stay if that’s what you want, okay? I won’t go anywhere, if you don’t want. Uh...can you shake your head if you want me to go? Is that...possible, can you—”

A frantic shake.

“Oh good, okay, thank fuck, then I’m here. I’m right here, Yash. I’m not going anywhere.” She tries to pitch her voice calm, takes deep, long breaths, and continues to murmur as reassuringly as she can until after...seconds? Minutes? Yasha’s trembling slows. 

There’s a pause. Yasha inhales and lets it go. It’s shaky, but apparently good enough because finally, eventually, she turns and looks back at Beau.

“I’m...okay. I am okay.”

Beau sinks back into the grass. Then she lies down. “Oh, cool. I’m, uh, glad.”

“I’m so—”

She holds up a hand. “Nope. C’mon.” She pats the ground beside her.

“Er...what?”

She pats it again, emphatic. “Lie down. C’mon. I think we’ve earned a break.”

She stares up at the sky while Yasha shifts around, and eventually there’s a gentle thud as she lies down. Seagulls cry in the distance and clouds drift slowly past their heads.

Beau swears, but mentally. A private thing.

“So, uh...do we...want to talk about it, or...?”

Yasha is quiet for a moment. That’s not surprising. Then:

“It...reminded me of when I killed you.”

“What? Oh—” 

“Almost killed you,” Yasha amended. “Both times.”

“Right,” says Beau. “That’s...right.”

She thinks about saying—almost. You only almost killed me, so really it’s fine. There’s nothing to worry about. And you kill people all the time anyway, right?

She blinks. “Wait, you kill people all the time, Yasha. Is it always that bad? Shit, does it always...does it always make you feel like this? Only...I don’t think I’ve ever seen you...break like that...”

She regrets the words immediately. Stupid, Beau, that’s a stupid thing to say. 

But Yasha answers the question earnestly. “It’s usually different,” she says to the sky. “It usually...doesn’t matter. Er...no, not that it doesn’t matter, it just...”

“Doesn’t matter,” Beau sighs. “No, I...sort of get it. Man, that might be fucked up. Of us.”

Yasha shrugs, which rustles the grass. “It’s how it has always been for me. That is just what life is like.”

���I’m sure Jester would disagree.”

“Jester is...nice. I am not. I...have hurt a lot of people. And not just people who were fighting me, or trying to hurt me, but people who were innocent, who did not need not to be hurt, people who care about me, and, and people who I...”

She trails off. Beau can’t see her face, but right now, selfishly, she is glad for it. She feels anger bubbling up in her stomach.

“You were being controlled,” she says fiercely. “You didn’t do it. Someone made you do it.”

“But...part of that...part of it was still me. Since...since you all freed me, I...I remember parts of it. I remember doing it. Those were my hands.” 

Beau can practically hear Yasha’s fist tighten. She definitely feels it when Yasha hits the ground.

“If I was better, or if I was stronger, if I had broken free faster, none of that would have happened, I could have stopped him sooner—”

This time, Beau doesn’t hold back. They’re lying down, so it’s incredibly awkward, but the first thing she can think of is to grab Yasha’s hand.

She sits up, and waves it over Yasha’s face.

“But you didn’t,” she says, then falters, then wants to smack herself. “Fuck, no, that’s not what I mean. What I mean is...” Then she stops. “No, you know what? Fuck it. You didn’t break out faster. And that’s because it was a miracle you managed it in the first place. Yasha, you were being controlled by a devil. You were being controlled by the Chained Oblivion. The fact that you were even a person the first time we met—and you were a person, you were funny, you charged me money to, to, well, you charged me five gold, remember that?”

Yasha blinks. Her wrist is slack in Beau’s grip.

“I...do, yes, I remember that.”

“Right. The fact that you were a person then meant that they couldn’t keep their claws in you. Because you were strong. You were better. Better than everything they tried to make you. You kept breaking free.”

Yasha does not try to squirm away, only stays there.

“But...I needed help every time that I did escape. I never managed it on my own. First it was...it was Kord, and then you all—”

“Of course!” Beau throws her other arm into the air. “Who the fuck could do it on their own?! All that means is that when you had a chance, the second you had a chance, you were outta there. In your heart, you knew what was right. You knew it, and held onto it, even when I’m sure it would’ve been so easy to stay there, to stay in that hell and just go through the motions and lose yourself in...in grief, and loss and...and all that. But you didn’t. And now look at you.”

She cracks a goofy smile, all desperation to make what she’s trying to say heard.

“You’re an angel, Yasha. Remember?”

Yasha slowly sits up too. Her hair cascades down her shoulders, black turning white, with little blades of grass.

Beau is made painfully aware of the fact that she’s still holding Yasha’s hand. She lets go. Then she swears again, and hopes that Yasha doesn’t think it’s because of anything s—

“I am, aren’t I?”

Her gaze shoots up and Yasha's wearing a goofy smile too. Small, a bit nervous, but real and warm.

It’s getting to be familiar.

Beau snorts. She snorts so loud that it might dislodge something in her chest. She hits Yasha gently on the arm.

“Yeah, yeah, don’t, uh, don’t let it go to your head.”

She can see Yasha nodding in the corner of her eye.

“Thanks.”

“Don’t mention it.” Then, after a brief battle over whether or not to bring it up, “I don’t...I don’t...for the record, I’m not mad about you stabbing me. Or whatever.”

Yasha looks stricken, and Beau regrets it instantly. “Shit, should I not have reminded you of—”

“No,” Yasha sighs, and her face softens. “No. I am...glad that you are not mad at me.”

“Should we, like...go to a cleric about this?” Beau asks. “Is this going to be something that happens in, like...fights? Because if it does, it might put you in danger. Also, it’s...it probably sucks for you. Right?”

Fjord would probably have something to say about the way she’s handling this conversation. He’s not here now.

“I...don’t know,” Yasha says eventually. “It hasn’t happened before. It was only...just now. And...just with you. It...hurting you reminded me of being controlled. It...brought me back to all the times that my mind was not my own.”

“I’m sorry,” Beau says, because she’s not sure what else to say.

“No,” says Yasha. Beau looks up, surprised by the weight in her words. “If I am not allowed to be sorry to you, you cannot be sorry to me.”

“Ah,” says Beau. She feels a grin pulling. “In that case...I’m not sorry.”

Yasha nods, like this is sacred, and Beau can’t help but snort again. 

“C’mon,” she says. “We can...work this shit out later. Or start to. With a cleric if you want, or not, if you don’t. But I just got my ass kicked, and I’m thirsty. What do you say to some drinks? I think there’s juice. Do you like juice?”

She stands up, and sticks out a hand. 

Yasha takes it.

“Okay. I like juice.”

— — — 

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[sugaredge]

nancy boy

link

credit in the straight world - young marble giants

she don’t use jelly - the flaming lips

cherry - smashing pumpkins

boom swagger boom - the murder city devils

plastic - portishead

threads - portishead

so sad - vincent gallo

delta sun bottleneck stomp - mercury rev

prove it - television

when - vincent gallo 

honey boney - vincent gallo 

mansize rooster - supergrass

she said - longpigs

losing my religion - r.e.m.

cheeking tongues - wire

include me out - young marble giants

shake the dope out - the warlocks

moving mountains - the warlocks 

sandblasted - swervedriver

lead me where you dare - swervedriver 

christine - siouxsie and the banshees

spellbound - siouxsie and the banshees 

old school joint - missy elliott

driftwood - travis

she’s so strange - travis

lost myself - longpigs

bye - elliott smith

somebody i used to know - elliott smith 

waltz #1 - elliott smith 

lose it  - supergrass

caught by the fuzz (acoustic)  - supergrass 

anoymous - sleater-kinney

little mouth - sleater-kinney 

happy again -  longpigs

sleep - longpigs

machine gun etiquette - the damned

bela lugosi's dead - bauhaus

ether - gang of four

the man amplifier - young marble giants

colossal youth - young marble giants

the dope feels good  - the warlocks

hurricane heart attack - the warlocks

some place else - wipers

reflections are protection - la roux

i’m not your toy - la roux

black betty - lead belly

where did you sleep last night - lead belly

midnight special  - lead belly

leaving blues - lead belly

standing in the way of control - gossip

coal to diamonds - gossip

southern comfort - gossip

as you are - travis

the last of the laughter - travis

turn - travis

english subtitles - swervedriver

last rites - swervedriver

lover i don’t have to love - bright eyes

man and wife, the former (financial planning) - desaparecidos

nothing gets crossed out - bright eyes

open heart surgery - the brian jonestown massacre

lets go fucking mental - the brian jonestown massacre

anemone - the brian jonestown massacre

it girl - the brian jonestown massacre

 ballad of jim jones - the brian jonestown massacre

david bowie (i love you) since i was six  - the brian jonestown massacre

my man syd  - the brian jonestown massacre

ahead - wire

life in the manscape - wire

where’s the deputation?  - wire

what do you see? - wire

troy - sinéad o’connor 

this is a rebel song -  sinéad o’connor 

the only one i know - the charlatans

flower  - the charlatans 

30th century man - scott walker

always coming back to you - scott walker 

when joanna lov ed me - scott walker 

jackie - scott walker 

plastic palace people - scott walker 

no surprises - radiohead  

karma police - radiohead   

paranoid android - radiohead   

lucky - radiohead   

thinking about you - radiohead   

the bends  - radiohead   

high and dry - radiohead   

fake plastic trees - radiohead   

landslide - smashing pumpkins

jellybelly - smashing pumpkins 

an ode to no one - smashing pumpkins 

ava adore - smashing pumpkins 

shame - smashing pumpkins 

rocket - smashing pumpkins 

disarm - smashing pumpkins 

zero - smashing pumpkins 

through the roof n underground - gogol bordello

start wearing purple - gogol bordello

wonderlust kin g - gogol bordello

never young - gogol bordello

your song - elton john

tiny dnacer - elton john

don’t go breaking my heart - elton john & kiki dee

pale blue eyes - the velvet underground

what goes on - the velvet underground

beginning to see the light - the velvet underground

i’m set free - the velvet underground

landslide - fleetwood mac

over my head - fleetwood mac

crystal - fleetwood mac

i’m so afraid - fleetwood mac

edge of seventeen - stevie nicks

gold dust woman - karen elson

the ghost who walks  - karen elson

stolen roses - karen elson

season of the witch - karen elson

the truth is in the dirt - karen elson

o stella - pj harvey

dress - pj harvey

happy and bleeding - pj harvey

plants and rags - pj harvey

50ft queenie - pj harvey

dry - pj harvey

sofa song - the kooks

eddie’s gun - the kooks

ooh la - the kooks

naive - the kooks

jackie big tits

silver soul - beach house 

lover of mine  - beach house

used to be - beach house

zebra - beach house

sparks - beach house

space song - beach house

work it - missy elliott

get ur freak on - missy elliott

wtf (where they from) [feat. pharrell williams]  - missy elliott

...so addictive - missy elliott

scream aka itchin’ - missy elliott

fallin’ - teenage fanclub & dee la soul

the concept - teenage fanclub

sidewinder - teenage fanclub

metal baby - teenage fanclub

what you do to me - teenage fanclub

alcoholiday - teenage fanclub

it’s a shame about ray - the lemonheads

my drug buddy - the lemonheads

if i could talk i’d tell you - the lemonheads

i love rock n roll - the jesus and mary chain

birthday - the jesus and mary chain

fizzy - the jesus and mary chain

perfume - the jesus and mary chain

never understood - the jesus and mary chain

black - the jesus and mary chain

dream lover - the jesus and mary chain

sometimes always - the jesus and mary chain

she - the jesus and mary chain

everybody i know - the jesus and mary chain

color me once - violent femme

holes - mercury rev

beautiful future - primal scream

zombie man - primal scream

over & over - primal scream

the glory of love - primal scream

can’t go back - primal scream

wake up boo! - the boo radleys

there she goes - the boo radleys

laid - james

say something - james

she’s a star - james

your love is not enough - manic street preachers & nina persson

autumnsong - manic street preachers

a design for life - manic street preachers

me and stephen hawking - manic street preachers

all is vanity - manic street preachers

gun and juice - snoop dogg

lodi dodi - snoop dogg

serial killa - snoop dogg

doggy dogg world - snoop dogg

who am i (what’s my name)? - snoop dogg

flying - the telescopes

never hurt you - the telescopes

the perfect needle - the telescopes

celeste - the telescopes

precious little - the telescopes

i fall she screams - the telescopes

threadbare - the telescopes

anticipating nowhere - the telescopes

silent water - the telescopes

the sleepwalk - the telescopes

lord and you hear me? - spacemen 3

ladies and gentlemen we are floating in space - spiritualized 

think i’m in love - spiritualized

come together - spiritualized

no god only religion - spiritualized

cop shoot cop... - spiritualized

the individual  - spiritualized

strange - galaxie 500

tugboat - galaxie 500

blue thunder - galaxie 500

isn’t it a pity - galaxie 500

when the sun hits - slowdive

machine gun - slowdive

40 days - slowdive

seagull - ride

cut your hair - pavement

range life - pavement

gold soundz

spit on a stranger - pavement

son of a gun - the vaselines

jesus wants me for a sunbeam - the vaselines

you think you’re a man - the vaselines

molly’s lips - the vaselines

dying for it - the vaselines

teenage superstars - the vaselines

monsterpussy - the vaselines

bitch - the vaselines

slushy - the vaselines

dum-dum - the vaselines

let’s get ugly - the vaselines

red poppy (demo) - the vaselines

heart it races - dr.dog

how long must i wait - dr.dog

my friend - dr.dog

hang on - dr.dog

the rabbit, the bat & the reindeer  - dr.dog

army of ancients - dr.dog

uncovering the old - dr.dog

ballad of a well-known gun - elton john

madman across the water - elton john

burn down the mission - elton john

talking old soldiers - elton john

teenage angst - placebo

hang on to your iq - placebo

nancy boy - placebo

i know - placebo

lady of the flowers - placebo

swallow - placebo

come home - placebo

36 degrees - placebo

meds - placebo

infra-red - placebo

drag - placebo

post blue - placebo

because i want you - placebo

space monkey - placebo

follow the cops back home - placebo

ashtray heart - placebo

happy you’re gone - placebo

kitty litter - placebo

running up that hill - placebo

20th century boy - placebo

jackie - placebo

humbug mountain song - fruit bats

you’re too weird - fruit bats

from a soon-to-be ghost town - fruit bats

home - edward sharpe & the magnetic zeros