#let her build new relationships in her journey of self-discovery that help her in coming to terms with her self-worth

[thenecropolix]

Everyone's always talking about the NSR Megastars being a found family for Yinu, but please consider the same thing for Eve.

DJSS and Neon J are her weird uncles/dads that she can vent to about feelings (forever love that fic by mangenov where Neon calls her Evie that's her cyborg dad); I can especially imagine her ranting to DJSS about people being idiots.

1010, the Sayu crew, and Yinu are like her little siblings; there's this one fic where Eve takes a break from NSR and I really enjoyed how her relationship with 1010 was written and I now subscribe to the headcanon of 1010 being like little kids vying for the attention of an older sibling (the sayu crew and Yinu need no explanation, I think her character could grow from acting as role model to the kids; I adore the thought of her having a soft spot for Remi based on that one illustration someone did of her admiring his work like a proud aunt).

Yinu's mama and Tatiana also need no elaborate explanation, they would absolutely be her role models or at least offer her words of wisdom when it comes to relationships and self-worth. Look me in the eyes: mama offering a shoulder to cry on when she spirals over her previous relationship with Zuke and any other emotional baggage and making sure she's healthy and eating properly but also Tatiana as an older aunt figure that she sees as having her shit together and whom is sternly realistic with her when it comes to life and therefore acts as an anchor for when she flies too close to the sun and—

[celestialastronmy]

Here we go, I wanted to speak about one of my favorite redemption arcs in video game history

This is one of the most compelling games, where we get to witness an extraordinary transformation that's as heart-tugging as it is inspiring. Let's delve into the life of Lee Everett - the convicted murderer who rose like a phoenix from the ashes of his past to become a father figure to young Clementine. This is the story of a man who found redemption in the unlikeliest of places, making us feel for him, root for him, and connect with him in a way few characters have managed to do before.

In the dystopian world that is now Lee and Clementine's home, redemption isn't as simple as saying sorry. It's a long, winding road of self-discovery and growth. Our journey starts with Lee in the back of a police car, his past marred by a crime of passion and his future looking anything but bright. But hold on, here's where things take an exciting turn. The zombie apocalypse, terrifying as it may be, offers Lee a chance to start afresh, to build a new identity that's more than his past mistakes.

The crux of Lee's redemption arc is his relationship with Clementine. This isn't a forced bond but one that grows and evolves naturally, giving us a heart-rending look into guilt, responsibility, and the potential for change. From the moment he meets Clementine, Lee becomes her guardian angel. Guided by her innocence and her faith in him, he vows to protect her, a promise that helps him make amends for his past in a way nothing else could.

As we move further into the story, we see Lee's paternal instincts come to the fore. He teaches Clementine how to survive in this harsh new world, helping her become a fighter, and in doing so, he proves his commitment to her well-being. These moments mark his transformation from a convicted criminal to a protective guardian.

Lee's redemption is a masterful narrative device. It's not flashy or over-the-top. It's subtle, profound, and incredibly moving. His redemption comes not from a grand declaration of change, but from small, everyday actions that demonstrate his evolution. It's not about forgetting his past but about his dedication to Clementine's survival.

The real genius in Lee's redemption arc is its setting. The zombie apocalypse, for all its horror, offers Lee a chance at redemption that he could never find in the pre-apocalyptic world. It frees him from the labels society had slapped on him, allowing him to redefine himself as a protector, a mentor, and a father figure.

The final episode of the game is the perfect culmination of Lee's redemption arc. On the brink of turning into a zombie, his last act is to ensure Clementine's safety. He guides her through handcuffing him, ensuring he won't be a threat once he turns. It's his ultimate act of redemption - a man once punished for taking a life now willingly gives up his own to save another.

So there you have it - the redemption arc of Lee in Twdg, a narrative so immersive it sucks you right in. It's a testament to the transformative power of relationships and the potential for change, even in the direst of situations. Lee's bond with Clementine redeems him, not by erasing his past but by allowing him to shape a different future. In the end, Lee Everett is remembered not as a convicted criminal but as a father, a protector, and a teacher. His redemption arc is a beacon of hope - a reminder that even in a world overrun by the dead, there's room for humanity and goodness to flourish.

[kylianswifey]

La Flamme de l'Amour - Chapter 3

Summary: In the glittering City of Light, Anita embarks on a journey of self-discovery and adventure. But fate has other plans when she meets Kylian, a man in a complicated relationship with Maria. Despite their attraction, they must keep their feelings hidden as they navigate a dangerous game of love and loyalty. Chapter 1 , Chapter 2 Word Count: 3k

Anita woke up early, feeling excited and nervous about the day ahead. She had carefully chosen her best photographs and put them in her portfolio, hoping that they would impress the PSG staff.

She quickly got ready, put on a nice outfit, and waited for Kylian to arrive and knock on her door. She couldn’t help but think of Kylian and got a rush of emotions when she pictured his smile. A knock on the door pulled her out of her thoughts.  As she opened the door, she felt a flutter in her stomach at the sight of him. She tried to play it cool and greeted him with a smile.

"Good morning, Kylian. I'm ready whenever you are."

Kylian grinned at her. "Great. Let's go."

As they walked to the elevator, Anita couldn't help but steal glances at him. She found herself drawn to his easy smile and friendly nature. The elevator ride seemed like hours with him being there with her.

As they reached the apartment entrance, they saw Kylian's driver waiting for them.

"Bonjour, Monsieur Mbappé," the driver said, opening the door for them.

"Bonjour, thank you," Kylian replied, gesturing for Anita to get in. She gave the driver a hello and a smile before hopping inside the car.

As they settled into the backseat, Anita tried to calm her nerves. She didn't want to mess up this opportunity, and she also didn't want to embarrass herself in front of Kylian.

"So, what do you think my chances are?" she asked him, trying to sound casual.

Kylian chuckled. "I think you'll do great. Your photos are amazing, and the PSG staff will be impressed."

Anita smiled, feeling a warmth spread through her chest. She was grateful for Kylian's support and encouragement. Anita wasn’t sure if it was just her imagination but she could feel Kylian’s eyes on her from time to time during the ride.

As they drove through the streets of Paris, Anita couldn't help but feel a sense of wonder at the city around her. It was like every corner held a new adventure, and she was excited to see where her new life in Paris would take her.

“Are you nervous?” Kylian broke the silence. “Yeah, a lot. I’m trying not to show it though.”

Kylian reached out to hold her hand.”Don’t worry. You’ll do great.” He didn’t release her hand even after comforting her, it seemed he enjoyed her touch too.

They arrived at the PSG training facility, and Kylian led Anita inside. As they made their way to the offices, Anita couldn't help but feel a sense of anticipation building inside her. This was it. This was the moment that could change her life.

As they entered the offices, Anita took a deep breath and tried to stay calm. She was ready for this. Kylian introduced Anita to the PSG staff and recommended her as a photographer. The woman  took a look at her portfolio, and Anita could see the impressed looks on their faces. 

“Your work seems great, shall we go to my office for a quick interview?” the woman gave Anita a smile when she nodded.

Kylian put a hand on Anita’s shoulder and she turned around.” I’ll be here by the door. Good luck!” Anita smiled at him and went in. The interview went well, and Anita felt confident in her answers. She talked about her passion for photography and her experience in the field. The woman seemed impressed and offered her the job on the spot. She told her to officially come into work tomorrow. When Anita exited the office she found Kylian waiting by the door. She rushed to him and jumped on his arms hugging him. She realized what she did and immediately pulled away.

“I’m sorry. I just got so excited, I don’t know what got into me.” She avoided his eyes, worried about his response. Kylian placed his hands on her shoulders, laughing.” It’s okay. Don’t worry about it, An.” “They told me to start tomorrow. Firstly, I’ll begin by taking photos on training days and If they like my work I can also attend games.” “That’s good to hear. I’m sure you’ll do a great job.” “Honestly, these past three days have been so crazy for me. Meeting you, getting a job from you and starting tomorrow?! Out of all the possibilities, I never would’ve considered this one. It almost sounds like one of those books where the girl meets a famous person.” They both laugh at her words. Usually, Anita is not the type of person who opens up and cracks jokes with someone right after meeting them, but Kylian felt so good to her. Deep, deep down, she admitted she felt happy for the job that meant seeing him almost everyday. “Listen, I need to leave for training now, I’m already late. You can come and watch us train today and maybe meet some of the staff members before you officially start work tomorrow?!”

“That sounds great.” Anita smiled at Kylian and nodded. 

“Great, I’ll see you out there. I have to stop by the dressing room first.” He gave Anita a quick hug and made a left turn in the corridor. She went outside on the field and was greeted by some of the staff members who asked who she was.

“Hi, I’m Anita, the new photographer.” The staff welcomed her and showed her to a bench on the field where she could watch the training. Anita sat down and watched as the players ran drills and practiced their moves.

After a few minutes, Kylian entered the pitch, dressed in his team's uniform. Anita couldn't help but feel a rush of excitement as she watched him come outside. He moved gracefully across the field, passing the ball and shooting at the net. In this yet foreign environment for her, he felt familiar. His presence made her feel less alone.

As the training continued, Anita got to know some of the staff members and players. They asked her about her experience in photography and welcomed her to the team. This girl, in particular, seemed friendlier than the others. She sat on the bench next to Anita and introduced herself. “Hi, Anita. Welcome to the team. My name is Charlotte, but most people call me Lottie for short. I’m also a photographer”.The girl seemed like a very positive person to Anita, she had a feeling they would get along very well. “Hi, Lottie. Thank you for your warm welcome. How does it feel to work as a photographer here?”

“Honestly, it’s amazing. The staff is very friendly, the players are also very friendly, they cooperate with you during shootings. A typical day here consists of funny jokes and laughs and also determined work.” Anita felt relieved hearing those words from a person holding the same job position.”That makes me feel a lot better. I was worried about how I’m going to fit here.” “You’re going to enjoy it, you’ll see.” Anita smiled at her and they both turned to face the field and watch the players train. Charlotte gave her some tips on taking photos of players.

“It’s lunch time, are you hungry?” Charlotte’s question made Anita realize her stomach was growling. “Yes, really hungry actually. I skipped breakfast today.” “You can join me if you want.” Anita nodded and stood up, following Lottie to the tunnel. She turned her head to look at Kylian one last time, catching him doing the same. He smiled at her and raised his thumb, she smiled back. Anita spent the lunch break talking to other photographers, videographers and medical staff members who are usually present on the field everyday. After an hour or so, the players entered the cafeteria and her eyes landed on Kylian. He made his way to Anita.” I see you’re getting comfortable. That’s great.” “Yes, thank you again for this. I won’t forget it.” Anita smiled at him. “Training is over, I’ll eat lunch and take a quick shower before heading home. I can give you a ride back to the apartment if you want?” “That would be great, Kylian. Thanks!” “No worries. I’ll see you soon.” Kylian smiled one last time and joined the other players on the table far away from hers. As Kylian spoke to his teammates, he gave Anita looks, indicating that he was talking about her. This made her very nervous, especially after a couple of other players turned their heads to look at her. Lunchtime passed, and now she was waiting for Kylian by the door. He came out of the dressing room with a bag in his hand.

He placed a hand on Anita’s waist motioning for her to keep walking.” I hope you didn’t wait long.” “No, I just got here a couple of minutes ago.” The driver was already waiting for them outside. He opened the door and Kylian motioned for Anita to get in first and he got in after her. The ride was mostly silent. Anita was lost in her own thoughts, replaying the training session in her head. The driver dropped them off in front of the apartment building. They entered the elevator and pressed their floor buttons. Anita was contemplating whether it’s appropriate to invite him over at her unfurnished apartment as a form of thank you. “Hey, Ky. About the other day where we got stuck inside the elevator. I gave you a speech about me but I didn’t have a chance to get to know you. Would you like to stop by my apartment for a coffee?” “Of course. I would love to.” They entered Anita’s apartment and Kylian started laughing.” I guess we’ll be drinking coffee while sitting on the floor.” Anita laughed as she made her way to the kitchen, preparing the coffee.” Heyy, I just moved in here, alright?! Deal with it!” She brought the mugs and found Kylian sitting on her mattress near the window with the amazing view. She handed him his cup and sat next to him. “Soo?” Anita felt a bit anxious talking to him, she was afraid of saying the wrong things.” Tell me something about yourself aside from the fact that you’re Kylian Mbappe.” They both laughed at her words, Kylian placed the coffee mug on the floor and crossed his legs, pressing his back on the wall, sitting in front of Anita.” Yeah, sure. What would you like to know?” “Anything!” “Well, inspired by your speech in the elevator, I would sayy… I love dogs too, I actually LOVE olives, I have good music taste and I love pasta.” Anita chuckled at his response, he seems to remember the details she told him about her. This made her feel warm, not only because he was interested in getting to know her, but also because she felt a type of connection with him.

They just stood there looking at each other's eyes, not daring to speak. It seemed like something was bothering Kylian, but It could’ve been just her imagination.

A sudden phone call for Kylian interrupted them from their conversation. Kylian looked at his phone and made an indescribable face and decided to put the phone back in his pocket.

He stood up and gave Anita a helping hand to stand too. “ I..um, I have to leave now, thanks for the coffee.” They walked together to the front door.” Thank you for accepting. I guess I'll see you at work?” “Aren’t you coming with me in the morning?” “I am?!” Anita was taken back by his proposal. Kylian sensed her surprised reaction and almost regretted proposing that.” I mean, I would love to.” “I just thought I could give you a ride to and from work until you settle for good.” “Thank you, Ky. I’ll see you in the morning.” Anita gave him a hug but didn’t want to let go. His scent made her daydream, his arms wrapped around her tiny figure made her feel loved. “See ya, An.” _________________________

“Where were you? I’ve been waiting here for almost twenty minutes!!” Kylian almost regretted offering her a ride at work two weeks ago. The more comfortable they got with each other, the more they started showing their flaws. And one of Anita’s flaws was being late. Always late. “Come on, Ky! You’ve only been here for like two minutes.” Anita gave him an apologetic look while locking the front door.

“Yeah, yeah, sure. We’re going to be late.” Kylian kept complaining as they were waiting for the elevator. He also seemed to enjoy Anita’s look on her face when she felt guilty about something like this. He found it cute, that’s why he teases her about it like it’s the first time, every morning. Anita also became very good friends with Charlotte. She’s actually the only female friend she’s made here so far. She keeps in touch with her family and her best friend, Helen, back home every day. Helen knows about her crush on Kylian. As a matter of fact, Anita has a virtual sleepover night with Helen every Friday where they both drink wine and eat pasta, plotting Anita’s love story. “Hey, Lottie. Good morning.” Anita hugged her friend as she made her way to the shared office for photographers, sitting at her desk. 

“Oh, so you finally decided to show up!? Great.” Anita gave her friend an annoyed, playful look. “ I would be late too, if Kylian Mbappe was my ride.” Anita gave her a dead stare causing Lottie to laugh.” Alright, alright. I’m just kidding.”

—----

She waited for Kylian by the front door as usual, waiting for him to get dressed to leave together. She adored their talks in the car after work. It could be because they’re both tired and feel more vulnerable when talking to each other, leading to more deep talks. Anita feels confused about Kylian’s feelings towards her. He rides with her to and from work everyday. He sometimes stops by her apartment for coffee after work, but she feels scared to admit to him that she likes him.

“Where were you? I’ve been waiting here for almost twenty minutes!!” They both laugh at Anita’s words, quoting him.

“Come on, An! You’ve only been here for like two minutes.” He grabbed her hand and walked with her to the car.

He grabbed her hand. He held her hand. He didn’t let go of her hand during the whole ride. He rubbed circles on her hand with his thumb. He held her hand on his thigh. Anita was trying her hardest to stop her hand from shaking with excitement. They looked like two high school students who sat together on the bus, not daring to look at each other, but holding hands. Anita has been through this feeling before, but right at that moment, it felt pure and unfamiliar. 

The driver stopped in front of the building, opening the door for them. Kylian walked in front of Anita, reaching the elevator first and pressing the button. They had been quiet during the whole ride. Now, none of them dared to break the silence, they just stepped inside the elevator. This time, Anita didn’t invite him for coffee. This time, before the elevator reached her floor, she got closer to his face, while staring into his eyes. The closer she got, the more she felt her pounding heart. As they leaned in towards each other, their hearts were racing with anticipation. They closed their eyes and met in a soft, gentle kiss, their lips meeting in perfect harmony. The kiss was tentative at first, as they both explored the sensation of their lips meeting, but soon it became more intense, more passionate. They were lost in the moment, the world around them fading into insignificance as they gave themselves over to the thrill of their first kiss.

The elevator ding brought them back to their senses. Anita pulled away from him quickly, feeling panicked of her actions. Kylian’s lack of words made her heart sink even more, she felt sure that wasn’t a good move.

“I’m sorry… Kylian, I’m so sorry.” 

She grabbed her bag from the floor and excited the elevator, walking to her apartment door at a fast pace. As soon as she got in and shut the door, she leaned against the door, sliding down until she sat on the floor. Kylian didn’t follow her, he didn’t try to stop her. 

—----

Curiosity and regret were eating her alive. Kylian didn’t react to what happened inside the elevator at all. He didn’t text her anything, he didn’t come knocking on her door, nothing. Anita felt anxious because she wasn’t sure about his feelings even though he kissed her back. She walked back and forth in line in her tiny apartment. Even though the squeaking sounds the floor made anytime she took a step drove her crazy, she kept pacing around. She wanted to see Kylian.

So for the first time  ever since being here, she pressed the button for the top floor in the elevator, Kylian’s floor. She reached his door and prepared to knock. Nope, she pulled her hand away and walked back. Nope, she turned around again and this time she knocked. After a couple of knocks the door flew open and Anita’s face went pale. “Hello?” “Um… Hi, Marie!?”

“Oh, right! Hi, Anita.”

______________________________________

I would like to hear your thoughts about the series so far. Any suggestions or comments are welcome!

Let me know if you want to be tagged in the future :)

@tandefeaffe @mywhimsyjournal @melliflulu @sllfsara @ippid @azestar12334 @bisexualbith

[thecarnivorousmuffinmeta]

What would be the best time in the books for the Jasper/Bella path to happen? Is there a particular moment in the books that you have in mind that with a couple of changes, could lead to the timeline where Jasper/Bella happens? Any particular moment where Edward's being his worst, Edwardiest (lol) self with Bella, and the change could be Jasper happening upon this and realizing that hey, something isn't right here?

Thoughts on Jasper/Bella.

Well, anon, you're almost asking me to write a fic here. The answer is with enough elbow grease and prose, a good author can convince their readers of almost anything, including the validity of Bella/Jasper wherever they see fit. So, I think this would be up to the individual author.

But if you're asking my opinion then I suppose I can put on my outlining hat and see what comes out.

Note that here I assume I'm not playing dirty and that we're going with canon as how I interpret it. So, no changing Bella on the side or Jasper on the side to make this work.

Muffin Chooses a Point of Canon Divergence

There's a couple places more obvious than others to me.

New Moon

Edward leaves, abandoning Bella, and she becomes an utter ruin who has to build herself up from the ground up without Edward's help. By the end of the novel, right after she jumps off the cliff, she comes to realize Edward will never come back and she has to move forward (coincidentally, Alice comes back right at that moment and Bella can shove that thought out the window).

In canon, it's Jacob's friendship that helps Bella build up the pieces. But their relationship had its very rocky moments as well, notably the period where Jacob also appears to abandon her.

This is where Jasper could come in.

I do think Jasper would leave. He has no reason to stay and given his overwhelming guilt over what happened, he wouldn't want to. Any attempt to force that would just be OOC ridiculousness.

However, there is the question of "What about Victoria?" In canon, Jasper ends Twilight thinking she'll be out for revenge and that they should not have let her get away. They're going to regret that. However, I imagine he thinks she'd be after the coven rather than Bella, especially after they leave Bella, and it's not really his business.

And he wants to go with Alice, especially as she's on this journey of personal discovery that is bound to be extremely painful. He didn't abandon her in the middle of that in canon.

However, here's where we can diverge. Jasper and Alice's relationship is an utter disaster, and more Jasper is wracked with guilt over what happened. He could hear from Edward that Edward lost track of Victoria and is now bumming around uselessly in Rio. Jasper might consider it his personal responsibility to take out Victoria, as a means of making amends not only to an unwitting Bella but to Edward whose love life he ruined.

Alice approves, as this might help improve Jasper and Edward's relationship and she feels awful over Bella as well, and tells him to get gone. She can do this self-discovery thing on her own. Jasper's not exactly happy about that but he goes and lo and behold, his search brings him back to Forks.

Where he happens to show up right around the point where Jacob has been ordered to cut all ties with Bella. If the fates are really with us, Jasper's the one who murders Laurent.

Bella's overjoyed to see him, tells him what Laurent just told her, and Jasper realizes that "Oh shit, Victoria's after Bella." Well, he can't interrupt Alice's journey and he doesn't want her in harm's way, so he has to call up the other family members to keep an eye on Bella while he goes hunting.

Bella nearly vomits in terror at the idea of having to face the Cullens after their rejection and Jasper realizes this girl has some deep, personal, trauma to work through.

Trauma is worked through, dirty secrets of Edward's are slowly revealed, Alice's dirty secrets are also slowly revealed (in just how much she knew/how much she enabled comes out), the newborn army thing probably happens and the Volturi show up and also turn Bella as Jasper's excuse was that he personally couldn't do it, Edward eventually shows up scary as hell which Alice enables, and Jasper realizes Alice wasn't what he thought she was while Bella realizes the same with Edward.

Betrayal is the word of the day here but eventually this could lead to Jasper and Bella finding solace in each other.

Breaking Dawn

Bella is pregannant and has her first terrifying disagreement with Edward where she actually has to protect herself and her child from him. If anything was close to breaking Bella out of her romantic fantasy: it was Edward in Breaking Dawn.

Now, in Breaking Dawn, Bella turns to Rosalie due to her knowledge of Rosalie's past. Had she not heard Rosalie's story, she would have had to turn somewhere else and I doubt Rosalie would be her first thought.

She might choose Jasper due to having protected her in Phoenix that one time and being a very competent and scary fighter. If she does, Jasper is faced with the heady responsibility of having to protect this pregnant woman from her husband while knowing that he may have to very well murder her child when it's born.

He's going to be an utter mess.

However, he'll pull through and have to make increasingly awful calls as tension keeps wracking up. Something has to be done about Edward, about Jacob, about the wolves in general, about Bella's health conditions, about the Volturi who are watching for any slip.

Due to this new position of responsibility, and due to how much Edward loathes Jasper, Edward probably won't be in the picture when Renesmee is born. Bella is devastated as her husband has left her, even when their daughter turns out to be beautiful. Then, of course, there's the Irina disaster. In canon, Jasper and Alice leave to go on a quest to find Nahuel (though also, perhaps, to get out of dodge on the off chance they don't find a miracle in South America). In this world, Jasper sees Bella who is utterly broken, and he can't do it. He can't leave with Alice.

This breaks them apart as I imagine Alice has a Drusilla type vision in which she dumps Jasper before he can dump her. It's an utter mess.

Bella/Jasper can be made to happen though.

[spencers-renaissance]

you know that a boy who likes boys is a dead boy

Summary: Spencer's gay. He joins the BAU and befriends the team, but it is 2003. It's a secret he has to keep. He just didn't expect it to be this hard.

Tags: gay!spencer, coming out, hurt/comfort, insecure!spencer, misunderstandings, angst with a happy ending, dad hotch, protective!hotch, protective!derek, childhood trauma TW: one instance of explicit homophobia, but it is referenced a lot, as is Spencer's internalised homophobia at the start of this fic. A shit ton of heteronormativity but tbh that's just canon lol

Pairing: Spencer Reid/OMC, Spencer Reid & Derek Morgan, Spencer Reid & Aaron Hotchner, The BAU Team & Spencer Reid

Word Count: 6k

Masterlist // Read on AO3

Consider this my contribution to pride month 😌 I've waited so long to post it and I'm so glad I'm finally doing it because it's definitely one of my all time favourites <3 Gideon is here somewhere but just like with all my early season fics he's not really part of the plot I combined my moreid and gen taglists bc it was hard to know the audience for this, but just ignore it if you're not interested!

you know that a boy who likes boys is a dead boy, unless he keeps his mouth shut, which is what you didn’t do, because you are weak and hollow and it doesn’t matter anymore. — richard siken, a primer for the small weird loves

Spencer has only told one person in his whole life.

His mother guessed. For as long as he can remember, she’s used gender neutral pronouns when talking about his future partner, read him all the gay literature she could find, promised him that he’s perfect just the way he is.

The trouble is that Spencer only believes her until the first grade, when Ryan Sampson shoves him over in the playground and calls him gay. His mom had only ever used that term in a sweet, loving way, taking care to associate such words with positivity, as long as his dad wasn’t around to hear. When that word comes out of Ryan Sampson’s mouth, it is not said with sweetness and love; it is said with venom, and Spencer learns quickly that his mom is wrong. He is not perfect just the way he is.

And so, he keeps it a secret. When his mom notices him getting uncomfortable at the mention of future partners, she stops bringing it up, though she refuses to give up the diverse education she provides for him outside of school. His dad tells him that one day he’ll be a strapping young man and marry a nice girl in a church, and Spencer nods along. He ignores the way his stomach turns with anxiety at the thought. Ignores the screaming match his parents have that night. Ignores the fact that it started because Diana chipped in with ‘or boy’.

He’s in high school by the time he’s twelve, and the only part he’s grateful for is the absence of pressure to get a girlfriend. His dad’s out of the picture now, and Spencer tries not to let himself think that maybe if he wasn’t like this he might have stayed. Diana’s so out of it most days that she doesn’t remember what she noticed about him when he was a child, only recalling the last few years of shoving himself so far back in the closet he can hardly see the door anymore.

It feels like he’s lost his last ally.

(He hates that a small part of him feels relieved she doesn’t remember; that he almost feels assured by the fact that the last person to know who he really is has forgotten. There is only this version of Spencer Reid now. No other exists.)

He makes the mistake during his second undergraduate degree. He’s just turned eighteen but he is already a doctor and, fortunately, this alienates him from most of his peers, but someone manages to slide past his defences. Ethan Miller is twenty, in the second year of his (first) undergraduate degree in Chemical Engineering, and he’s nice. Spencer doesn’t have a lot of experience with friendship, but they get on well and Ethan makes him laugh. For the first time, he feels comfortable in the presence of anyone other than his mother.

They slip into an easy friendship: waiting for each other after class — Spencer back in the undergraduate buildings now he has his first PhD under his belt — and going out for ice cream and pizza and Thai food. Ethan goes to parties while Spencer studies, and then they reconvene to watch Doctor Who and play cards.

For almost a year, Spencer keeps his secret carefully locked up, hidden behind the mask he’s perfected after so many years. Even though he’s eighteen, nearly nineteen now, he doesn’t try and explore that side of himself. No, that’s far too risky. He doesn’t try and pretend any other way either, he just stays silent and lets people’s assumptions lie for him, but he can’t help the longing that claws up his throat when he locks eyes with a passing guy on campus. One time, he’d seen two men kiss on a bench in the city, and he’d run back to his dorm and had a panic attack. Why couldn’t he have that?

The feelings don’t stop, and he doesn’t know how to make them. He hates that he isn’t normal, but still longs for the touch of a man, the feeling of being wrapped up in strong arms, of being kissed by dry, chapped lips, and falling asleep to a heartbeat approximately 11% slower than that of a woman’s.

It’s a constant battle inside him, emotions raging, and he struggles to control it, suppress it, tame it.

He pays a sorry price.

Ethan makes him feel comfortable, and that turns out to be a detriment. He relaxes around the other boy: he tells him about growing up as a pre-teen in a high school, about how a child feels living 260 miles away from home, even about his mother’s illness.

And one day, it slips out. They’re on the beach, lying on towels as they look up at the blue sky, talking about what their futures will look like: Ethan will be a successful chemical engineer in Berlin, and Spencer will work for the FBI, profiling serial killers.

“You’ll have to marry a German girl,” he tells Ethan. “It’ll be tough to convince an American girl to move all the way to Germany as soon as you graduate.”

“Yeah, and what about you? You’ll be off fighting crime around the country, not much of a life for a family.”

“Oh, I imagine my husband will be the type to—”

“Husband?”

Spencer freezes. It shocks him as much as it shocks Ethan. He doesn’t even pay much attention to Ethan’s disgusted face and his outraged tirade. He hears slurs and insults, hears him say that he can’t believe Spencer tricked him like this, that he was probably waiting to make a move on him, that he was never to look in Ethan’s direction again, but Spencer is frozen in time.

He’s never allowed him to think much about what his personal life might look like in the future, but he’d said ‘husband’ on instinct, without thinking, and it’s clearly something he actually wants. Ethan’s words sting, but the moment brings about a realisation Spencer is thankful for; it instigates a journey of self-discovery and self-expression, of the joy of living as your true self.

He loses his first and only friend, but he gains something much more valuable. He visits gay bars — nervously sipping a non-alcoholic drink in the corner at first, before soon becoming confident enough to respond to the men who sidle up to him and ask for his name. He lets go and dances the night away, sometimes going home with one of the many dance partners he acquires during the night, sometimes heading back to his own dorm happily alone.

Makeup and dresses and skirts and heels make their way into his wardrobe, and he befriends girls and drag queens and other gay men who encourage him to be exactly the way he is. And the best part is, he never has to come out to any of them. All of them know, and that’s good enough for everyone.

The fun comes to a sad sort of slow, however, when he joins the BAU. Everyone knows law enforcement’s relationship with the LGBT community is less than adequate — Spencer’s seen it with his own eyes: butch lesbians and men in dresses getting roughed up by angry police officers for ‘lewd behaviour’ or ‘drunkenness’ when they’re just being themselves. It’s not safe for him to tell anyone, so he doesn’t.

He still goes out with his friends when he’s in town and wears makeup and dresses and crop tops when he’s at home, but presents as rigidly straight Dr Spencer Reid to his team at the BAU.

The hardest part about it is that he loves his team. He’s known Gideon for years — and he wouldn’t be surprised if he suspects something after coming over to his house unannounced one night, only to have a man other than Spencer open the door — but he settles into a comforting dynamic with Hotch. He can’t help but see him as something of a father figure, and he knows Hotch has a soft spot for him, always looking out for him and taking him under his wing without a moment’s hesitation.

Elle, JJ, and Penelope all take a shine to him, too, teasing him without a hint of malice in their tones, only the kind of playful kindness that reminds him of his mother. He forms a special bond with Penelope and they spend hours watching Doctor Who together and geeking out on all the areas their interests overlap, and the comfort he feels with her matches the comfort he’s found with his new group of queer friends.

(She doesn’t hold a candle to Ethan, he decides one night, after he’d cried at a movie she’d made him watch and she felt so bad she made him hot chocolate and jam toast and cuddled him until he felt better.)

Derek becomes a brother to him. He puts him in a headlock at least once a day — which Spencer has been reliably informed by multiple sources is a very brotherly thing to do — and teases him relentlessly, while simultaneously being fiercely protective of him. Enough so, that Spencer sometimes wonders if he even has Hotch beat in that department.

He loves his team and his team loves him. It should be simple. It is still 2003.

He comes in one morning late for a briefing, his shirt buttoned wrong and his hair is a mess, and he’s fairly sure that his attempt to cover the hickey at the base of his neck with concealer has been ultimately unsuccessful. It’s obvious why he’s late. Gideon is too engrossed in the case file to notice, but Hotch raises an eyebrow, an amused look on his face as everyone else immediately takes to teasing him.

“Who’s the lucky lady, pretty boy?”

Elle raises an eyebrow to match Derek’s shit-eating grin, “Someone definitely got some strange last night.”

“When do we get to meet her, Spence?” JJ asks, smirking as he takes a seat.

He’s bright red — as if he needed to look any more debauched — and Spencer tries to ignore the hurt that seizes his chest at the reminder of his need to stay quiet. This team respects him, and he can’t throw that away just because Spencer gets too comfortable.

God, he wishes Penelope was here.

“None of your business,” he mutters, trying to keep his tone light. He fails.

Naturally, Hotch notices and swiftly moves the briefing on, and Spencer keeps his gaze locked on the case file, not missing the absence of a reprimand from his superior. He’s constantly thankful for the older man, but in this moment, he wishes he could hug him.

(A voice that sounds dangerously close to Ethan’s rises up and taunts him in his ear: he wouldn’t want a dirty homo like you anywhere near him—)

Derek doesn’t let up on the case, continuing to bug him about the special lady in his life. He does concede that it could’ve been a one night stand, which is one front he’s right on, but a couple more concessions are necessary before Derek comes close to the truth of last night.

Eventually, Derek stops, and Spencer notes that the cessation of comments comes suspiciously close to the last time Derek and Hotch were alone together. He doesn’t have it in him to feel angry at Hotch for stepping in when he had it handled; doesn’t have the energy to act as though his pride is wounded, because really, neither of those things are true, and he doesn’t need to add another item to ‘Spencer Reid’s List of Things He Pretends to Be.’

The situation is forgotten, and time moves on.

Things change when he finds his first proper boyfriend. He doesn’t know what he was expecting, but it certainly wasn’t the giddying rush of emotions it turns out to be, and Spencer spends his days smiling as he daydreams his time away.

His name is Oscar Wilkins, a History professor at Georgetown University, and Spencer falls quickly in love with him. Ever since their mutual friend had introduced them at a gay bar one evening, they’d spent all their free time together. He’s kind and gentle and understanding of Spencer’s hectic and unpredictable job, and he finally has the chance to experience everything he quietly and shamefully longed for as a teenager.

The only downside is the silent breaking of Spencer’s heart that the most important people in his life can’t meet his boyfriend. He longs to show Oscar off, to hold hands in front of his team, lean up to press a tender kiss to Oscar’s lips. He wants to put a framed picture of the two of them at the Washington Monument on his desk to remind him of why he needs to get through the hard days; he doesn’t want to have to sneak out of the hotel room he shares with Derek to whisper hushed, loving goodnights over the phone.

But he’s too scared. Too cowardly.

It’s different being who he is with his gay group of friends littered with wlws and drag queens and other gay and bisexual guys. They understand.

But Derek and Hotch are two extremely masculine, alpha men: Derek’s a ladies’ man and Hotch is married to a woman he met in college with a baby on the way and both have a strong and dominant energy that still sometimes manages to intimidate Spencer even after all these years. And Elle and JJ are lovely — some of his closest friends, really — but sometimes they remind him a little too much of the mean girls he went to high school with.

The hardest person to keep his secret from, though, is Penelope. She’s his best friend and he desperately wants to give her all of him, but he’s so scared. He’s lost a best friend to this secret before, and even though he’s certain she’d be fine with it, what if she accidentally let it slip to Derek? What if Hotch found out and didn’t see him in the same light anymore? What if the girls started teasing him? What if Gideon didn’t want to mentor him anymore?

The fear paralyses him. And it’s a cycle he doesn’t know how to break.

Fear, though, doesn't stop everyone from noticing his daydreaming, his dopey smile when he checks his messages, his urgency to get home where he would’ve stayed until the small hours of the morning before. As excellent as he is at hiding his sexuality, he’s fucking terrible at hiding the fact that he’s in love: it was easy enough to pretend he was straight, but hiding something this all-consuming is an impossible ask.

Derek comes over to perch on the edge of his desk one afternoon, sighing as he sits down. “Pretty boy, this is getting ridiculous,” he says, snatching Spencer’s attention away from his phone. “You’ve been grinning like an idiot for the last twenty minutes as you’ve texted Future Mrs Reid. When are we going to meet her?”

(He hates the new nickname the team has given his mystery significant other, although Oscar had found it hilarious. “It’s funny because when we get married, we’ll hardly be able to tell,” he’d argued through his laughter. “Neither of us will change our name because of our academic profiles, and we’ll both still be ‘Dr’. Our wedding rings will be the only indicator.”

Spencer hadn’t argued back, because he’d been too tongue-tied and flushed pink at Oscar’s use of ‘when’ in regards to their hypothetical nuptials. It was only made bearable by Oscar kissing him gently and tucking him under his arm, not embarrassing him any further as Spencer had sort of anticipated, warmth settling over his chest at the thought of their future together.)

“You won’t,” he replies, perhaps a little too curtly.

Derek starts at that, clearly not expecting it. He definitely should’ve tried to play it off as a joke. “What— should I be offended, pretty boy?”

You wouldn’t call me that if you knew who I really am.

“That’s up to you, Derek,” he says calmly, although he still can’t meet his eyes, “but you won’t meet the ‘Future Mrs Reid, so I think it would probably be best if you left it alone.”

“Damn,” Derek mutters under his breath, clearly pissed off and probably more hurt than Spencer ever intended. “Suit yourself.”

And with that, he gets up and leaves his desk. Spencer’s only solace is the text message he sees on his phone when he picks it back up: I love you so much. You know that, right?

The light-hearted ridicule comes to an abrupt halt after the incident with Derek, and it’s clear that he had been the biggest contributor to the teasing. He’s thankful that the jokes have stopped, but he wishes desperately that it didn’t come with the growing distance between him and his team. Loneliness takes the place of his previous irritated anxiety, and he isn’t sure what’s worse.

It all comes to a head at the end of a case in Michigan. They’re stuck in the lounge of the small inn they’d stayed in the last few days, a snowstorm having blocked them in and grounded the jet, although Gideon had long since retreated to his room. The fire’s going and they’re the only guests around, so it’s cosy enough, but Spencer can’t help but feel sick at the idea of another night away from home.

It’s only been two weeks since he’d snapped at Derek, but the chasm between him and the team is only widening with each passing day. He knows it’s not a case of ‘pick a side’, but the team’s morale relies on light-hearted banter and teasing, and him not being a part of that anymore has only brewed awkwardness. Everyone’s trying to give him space when space is the last thing he wants.

Oscar’s keeping him company over the phone at least, but it’s not quite enough to quell the loneliness swimming around his stomach, and the 'discrete' sideways looks he gets from the team only make him feel worse.

“At least it’s nice and toasty in here,” JJ sighs as she takes a sip of the hot chocolate the kindly inn owner had made for them all.

Elle hums in agreement. “There are worse places to be grounded.”

“I dunno, man, I just wanna get home,” Derek says, not taking his eyes off the fire. Spencer can’t help but agree.

“Oh, come on,” Hotch muses, considerably more jovial now the case is over, “we’re here, and that’s not going to change any time soon. We should make the most of it.”

“It’s at least nice to be somewhere sort-of Christmassy now it’s December,” Elle points out. “We could be stuck in a dingy police station like we probably will be next week.”

“Ooh, I noticed that Jemimah and Kiran started planning the Christmas party last week,” JJ says, smiling at them. “I offered my help, but they seem to have it covered.”

Hotch raises an eyebrow“That’s probably a good thing. You don’t need more work on your plate.”

“Not gonna argue with that,” she murmurs, smiling as she brings her mug to her lips again.

Spencer doesn’t miss that Derek is still stewing on the opposite side of the room.

“Are you looking forward to the Christmas party, Spencer? Will you come?” Hotch asks, clearly trying to rope him into the conversation, which he appreciates. He’s been making a lot of effort with him the past few weeks, and it’s just about the only thing that’s getting him through each day.

Before he can reply, though, Derek erupts from the other side of the room; an already pissed-off man being pushed over the edge. “He won’t even let us meet his fucking girlfriend, Hotch, he’s not gonna want to come to the Christmas party!” he yells, throwing his hands in the air as he glares at Spencer with a stormy expression raging across his face.

Suddenly, Spencer can’t stay silent anymore, and his retort shocks himself just as much as it does everyone else. “I don’t have a girlfriend!”

It might be the loudest he’s ever shouted in his whole life. He’s always been quiet and restrained, the type to state his feelings as calmly as possible no matter how he’s feeling on the inside. Even in the biggest fight he’s had with Oscar, his voice was barely loud enough to qualify as a shout.

There’s a brief stunned silence, but Derek quickly slices his way through it, voice raising to meet Spencer’s fiery emotion, fierce and loud. “Oh, don’t even go there, Reid, you’re really gonna try and argue that? You’re gonna lie about her as well as not let us meet her? What a boyfriend you are.”

“I don’t! I don’t have a girlfriend!” he repeats, voice catching this time as tears rise unbidden to the backs of his eyes and all the emotions of the journey he’s taken with his sexuality over the years flood him in a wave of intensity he’s not prepared for.

“You’re fucking lying—!”

“I have a boyfriend!” he yells. “Alright? I have a boyfriend. I’m gay.”

The anger and emotion quickly dissipates, and he’s left standing alone in front of the team he’s put so much effort into hiding this from, watching shock spell out across everyone’s expressions. He’s never felt smaller than he does in that moment, and he quickly grabs his phone before running upstairs to his room, locking the door behind him.

“Oh God, Oscar, I fucked up so bad,” he cries over the phone as soon as his boyfriend picks up.

“Hey, hey, breathe, baby,” Oscar says gently, but Spencer can hear the anxious concern in his voice, “it’s gonna be okay, I promise. I’m here. Do you want to tell me what happened?”

“I just— Oh God, I just told the team.” A new wave of horror rolls over him as he realises what he’s done. Times might be changing, but it’s still only 2006, and he doesn’t know each and every nuance of his team members’ political positions and, fuck, he hates that his existence is a fucking political position.

Oscar’s been so understanding of his reluctance to not tell the team, even though Spencer’s met pretty much everyone in his life. He isn’t sure what he’s done to earn such a gracious and understanding boyfriend, but he’s not about to question it.

“Baby, I know it’s scary, and I know you’re really worked up right now,” he counsels, voice soft and reassuring, using the nickname he knows Spencer loves the most to make him feel as safe as he can from 700 miles away, “but it’s probably not as bad as you think. From what you’ve told me about the team, they love you so much, and even in the case that in the past they've had some issue with gay people, I can't imagine they’d ever actually think of you any differently when it comes down to it, Spencer.”

He’s crying too hard to reply, and Oscar understands immediately, gently transitioning into a story about his day that slowly starts to calm him down, and by the time he’s wrapping it up, his tears are starting to subside.

“Thank you, Ozzy,” he whispers into the phone, lifting himself up off the floor and making his way to sit on the bed instead.

“You know I’d do anything for you, sweetheart,” he murmurs warmly. “Do you want me to stay on the phone for a bit?”

“Yes please,” he whispers again, holding it as close to himself as possible, drawing all the comfort he can from his boyfriend’s voice.

He lies there listening to Oscar’s voice and trying not to think about the disaster downstairs for a good ten minutes before there’s a tap at the door.

“Oz, there’s someone here,” he says, voice panicked.

“I think you should probably speak to them, baby,” he urges. “I’ll stay on the phone with you while you do, if you like?”

“Please.” He gets up from the bed gingerly, keeping his phone tightly gripped in his right hand as he slowly unlocks the door with his left, revealing Hotch on the other side.

“Hey, Spencer. Do you mind if I come in?”

He’s riddled with nerves, but Hotch is smiling warmly, and he’s never said a harsh word to Spencer, so he steps aside and lets him into his room.

Hotch quickly notices the phone in his hand, visibly still on a call. “Is that your boyfriend?”

Spencer nods.

“Do you mind if I talk to him?”

His brows knit in confusion and his lips part slightly in surprise, but it’s all he can do to hand the phone over, watching Hotch carefully.

“Hi, Spencer tells me this is his boyfriend?” Hotch inquires politely into the phone, his tone still warm. “I’m Hotch, Spencer’s boss.”

He can vaguely hear Oscar speaking on the other end of the line, and he worries slightly that Oscar will somehow give away the familial feelings he holds for Hotch, but the conversation doesn’t last long enough for the anxiety to really take over.

“Everything’s fine here, I just want to have a conversation with Spencer, so is it alright if we hang up and I talk to him alone for a minute? He can call you straight back afterwards.” After a brief pause in which Oscar says something, Hotch looks back up at him. “Are you okay with that, Spencer?”

He nods hesitantly, and Hotch says a quick goodbye to Oscar before surging forwards and wrapping Spencer in a hug. It catches him off guard, but he doesn’t waste any time in burying his face into Hotch’s neck and soaking in the comfort and warmth that always radiates from his father figure.

“Come on,” Hotch says softly as they pull away a good minute or so later, “let’s sit down, shall we?”

“You’re not mad?” Spencer can’t help but ask, the question burning his tongue as anxiety — however quietened from Hotch’s hug — still swims around in his stomach.

“There are many things that could make me mad, Spencer,” he says earnestly, “but this is not one of them. I would never be angry at you for being who you are, okay? I might… I might be overstepping here, and if I am, then tell me and I’ll back off, but I’ve always seen you as a mentee, and over the years that’s developed— well, I see you more as a son these days. And part of that is wanting to protect and support you no matter what you do or say or who you are.”

Spencer wastes no time in diving back in for a hug, clinging onto Hotch for dear life as he hugs back, rubbing his back gently.

“I’m so sorry you didn’t feel like you could tell us sooner, Spencer,” he says in a voice soft with affection and regret. “But I’m so glad you’ve told us now.”

He only presses closer at that, tears springing back to his eyes. “I didn’t want to lose you.” He knows what he’s implying, and even in a roundabout way, he’s glad he’s telling Hotch.

“Oh, Spence,” he sighs sadly, “you couldn’t do a single thing to lose me. I’m in it for the long haul.”

“Really?” he asks, hating how insecure he sounds.

“Really,” Hotch promises, pulling away as Spencer does. “Now, you have a whole team of agents downstairs who are feeling very sorry for themselves and really want to see you.”

Nausea rolls in his stomach and panic springs back up as he looks at Hotch, desperate for some sort of grounding. “Are they angry at me? Do they hate me now?”

“No one hates you, Spencer,” he says firmly. “I promise you that. Everyone just wishes that they’d made you feel more welcome and comfortable. We all hate that you felt you had to lock up something so integral to who you are, and we can’t help but feel we played a part in it.”

“No,” he protests — the last thing he wants is family blaming themselves when it has nothing to do with them, “it’s not your fault, it’s just…”

Hotch nods. “I understand, it’s okay. Now, do you want to go down and see them? You don’t have to if you don’t want to, but it might help ease your mind to see that they really don’t hate you.”

Spencer pauses, taking a moment to think. “Can I see Derek first?”

“Of course,” Hotch says understandingly, and the comforting smile that crosses his face makes Spencer feel safe and taken care of. “I’ll send him up?”

Spencer nods and Hotch hugs him once more before leaving the room almost reluctantly. He wastes no time in picking up his phone and sending a text to Oscar. You were right. Hotch is fine. He’s just sending Derek up before I go and see the team but he says that no one’s angry and I think I believe him. Thank you, Oscar. I love you.

Not even half a minute goes past before his phone lights up with a text back. I’m so glad, baby. Call me later, okay? I want to make sure you’re okay before I go to bed. I love you more.

Before Spencer can argue that actually, he is the one more in love with the other, a hesitant knock sounds on his door. Nerves suddenly flip his stomach, and he clenches and unclenches his fists a couple of times before forcing himself to cross the room, revealing a very worried and regretful-looking Derek.

“Oh, pretty boy,” he says sadly, before crushing Spencer in a warm and tender hug. Immediately, he relaxes into the arms of one of his best friends, and relief courses through his blood at Derek’s reaction. “I am so sorry that I ever made you feel like you couldn’t tell me that you were gay or had a boyfriend. That’s completely on me. I don’t care who you love, Spencer, I just want you to be happy, okay? And if this guy makes you happy, then that’s fine by me. But if he ever lays a hand on you or—”

“Derek, Derek,” he laughs, “it’s fine I get it. Thank you, though, I’m… I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you earlier and for snapping at you in the bullpen that time…”

“I understand, Spence,” he promises. “It’s in the past, okay? And I’m sorry for pushing so hard. I mean, I’d love to meet him but if you don’t feel comfortable or you don’t want to, that’s fine, too. It’s your life, man.”

“No, I… I think I want you guys to meet him. It’s been so hard to keep him away from the people I consider my family, you know?”

“Yeah, I know. Maybe after Christmas, we can all have dinner or something.”

Spencer smiles shyly. “Well, Oscar’s a great cook, so I reckon we could work something out.”

Derek grins, throwing an arm around his shoulders as he immediately jumps back into teasing him as they make their way to the door to go downstairs and see the rest of the team. “Ooh, lover boy’s got him a chef, hey? What else does this Oscar have going for him?”

Spencer chatters eagerly about his boyfriend to Derek, barely skipping a beat when he joins everyone downstairs, his friends taking his cues and joining in with the conversation seamlessly. He’s had enough fuss for one night, and the warmth and understanding on everyone’s faces tells him everything he needs to know.

“Do you have any pictures of him?” JJ asks, raising an eyebrow with eager expectancy as they all settle back into their seats by the fire, a warm and unbelievably happy feeling settling in Spencer’s stomach.

He blushes, digging out his phone from his pocket and unlocking it. “More than a few, I think.”

He finds the most recent picture of his boyfriend — a candid shot of him cooking in the kitchen, spatula aloft, and a huge grin on his face — and hands the phone around.

“Oh wow, you like them buff, huh, pretty boy?” Derek teases as soon as he gets his hands on it, and Spencer’s stomach twists in a sudden bout of fear, expecting to see some hesitancy or even disgust on his friend’s face. What if he thinks that Spencer has a crush on him? What if he’s uncomfortable around him now?

But if Derek’s having any of those thoughts, they don’t show on his face. He’s smiling widely and openly, all the pent-up anxiety and frustration borne from hurt gone from his body language, and he looks completely comfortable sat next to Spencer, his arm stretched out behind him on the back of the sofa.

They sit happily around the fire for a couple of hours, settling into a happy, intimate familiarity Spencer hadn’t realised was missing when he was hiding something so integral to his being from his family, and he’s still smiling when they finally part ways to head to bed, the clock ticking closer and closer to 1 am.

He gets ready for bed quickly, brushing his teeth and throwing on the top he’d stolen from Oscar the first time he’d stayed at his place; a welcome change from his worn and wrinkled suit. As soon as his teeth are brushed and the lights are all off except for his bedside lamp, he pulls out his phone, knowing there’s one more thing he has to do before he goes to sleep.

“Spencer?” Penelope’s voice sounds down the line, clearly concerned. “It’s almost 2 am here, are you okay?”

“I’m gay,” he says, getting straight to the point. The main reason he ever kept it from her was because of his fear of it accidentally getting out to the team rather than fear over her reaction. After all, multiple of his drag queen friends are also hers.

“Oh my God,” she says in that small voice she uses when she’s not actually talking to you, before finally actually replying to me. “Spencer, I’m so happy you told me!”

He doesn’t miss her choice of words, or the way she says them and he tilts his head suspiciously. “You already knew, didn’t you?”

She sighs. “Yeah. I’m sorry, a couple of months ago I saw a text from Oscar on your phone when you went to the bathroom during one of our Doctor Who marathons, and it wasn’t hard to figure out the relationship.”

“And… wait, you’re not mad at me for not telling you sooner?”

“Spencer! Of course not. I was waiting for you to be comfortable enough to share it with me. I felt awful that I knew without your consent but I didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t want to catch you off guard or make you feel uncomfortable. It’s fine that you waited, baby genius, I’m just so happy you told me now. What finally gave you the courage?”

“Well, it might have slipped out in front of the team this evening,” he admits sheepishly, “and the only reason I never told you was because I was scared that it would slip out somehow — accidentally, of course, I didn’t think you’d tell anyone on purpose — and now everyone knows. It’s been killing me not to tell you, Penelope, it really has because I love you so much and you’re my best friend and I trust you with my life, it’s just…”

“Whoa, slow down, Spence,” she laughs fondly, “you don’t have to explain yourself to me, I understand. But I’m glad you finally told everyone and you can be yourself completely with us, now. We all love you no matter what, you know that right?”

“I do now.”

“Good. You should get some sleep, baby boy, it’s late and you’ve had an emotional evening.”

Spencer smiles. “Yeah, I know. You should, too, Pen. I’ll see you when we can finally make it home, okay? Love you.”

“Love you, too, 187,” she says softly, and Spencer can hear the smile in her voice. “Goodnight.”

As soon as he hangs up, he settles down into the bed, turning off the light and pulling the duvet up over his shoulders before dialling one more number.

“Hey, baby,” Oscar says, voice as gentle and caring as it always is, although thicker with tiredness now. “I take it everything went okay?”

“Yeah,” Spencer murmurs, already feeling tired as the safety he always feels at the sound of Oscar’s voice settles into the fibres of his being. “It went so well. I can’t wait for you to meet everyone.”

“I can’t wait either, sweetheart. Are you in bed now?”

“Yeah,” he sighs. “Can you talk to me as I fall asleep?”

“Anything for you, Spence,” he says softly, before transitioning seamlessly into a story about the professors on campus, and his gentle comfort and the knowledge of the unconditional love his family has for him finally lulls Spencer into the best sleep he’s had in weeks.

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Pokémon Champions and overall Journey Themes

Pokémon. A franchise met with much praise and adoration for many years.

Catching your favorite pocket monsters, while capturing the hearts of many.

Today we're going to look and analyze at an aspect of the main games that many is familiar with: Champions.

The last victory before the main journey is over. A culmination of everything the player has been through over the entire main game. And here we're talking about what the Pokémon Champions really symbolize in the games and how they hold up the overall themes of the game.

Pokémon Red, Blue and Yellow

Starting with Blue in Pokémon Red, Blue and Yellow.

As the first games of the franchise, it's only natural that the champion is someone the player knows.

With Blue, Gen 1 is the first Pokémon games. So, of course since Pokémon is a personal journey it ends with you the player facing someone of a personal relationship.

You went on this journey. You saved Kanto from Team Rocket. You caught many Pokémon of various shapes, sizes, colors and personalities. You filled up the Pokédex. You traveled across the lands.

Now it's time for one final challenge before your journey is over.

And there's the man who reminds of where you began. Your own best friend as the champion. If both journeys are coming to end, so is this friendly rivalry the two of you have had since the start.

The main theme of Gen 1 is to remind fans how Pokémon is ultimately a journey you set off on yourself.

Pokémon Gold, Silver and Crystal

Now let's move on to the Johto region in Gen 2. Pokémon Gold, Silver and Crystal share close connections to the Gen 1 games, being seen as a bit of an add on.

Lance is a Dragon master, Gen 2 was about respecting old legends and learning from those before you, so of course the champion has a team of dragons and ancient Pokémon.

Team Rocket returns and does not respect any of the old legends, as seen with messing with the natural habitat, angering a shiny Gyrados and caring more about themselves.

Silver, the son of Giovanni is also reflective of this as he tries to take on his dad's old crime group before forging his own path.

Lance embodies none of these characteristics and teaches the player to respect all before you, but never lose sight of what awaits you.

We ultimately forge our own paths.

Pokémon Ruby, Sapphire and Emerald

In the Gen 3 games Pokémon Ruby, Sapphire and Emerald, Team Magma and Team Aqua both have plans for changing the overall environment of the entire Hoenn region.

Both Steven Stone and Wallace have Pokémon closer to the the natural world, showing the player to never forget Pokémon origins, and not grow obsessed with how phenomenal the world as a whole is.

Pokémon Diamond, Pearl and Platinum

With Cynthia in the Gen 4 games of Diamond, Pearl and Platinum, she's the first champion to have a team not regulated by one type. You, the player, are a literal small town Pokémon trainer that goes on to do great things in contrast yet likeness.

Cynthia is humble in who she is and was most likely in the same position as the Player. Showing how anyone can do great things and go on to do great things. No matter where they came from.

Pokémon Black and White

With the Gen 5 game Pokémon Black and White: Alder is very old and N, someone much younger, beating him is meant to reflect Team Plasma's goals and ushering in a new age. Alder being beat is meant to show the old ways are done. N winning is the Truth, his future of no more Pokémon battling is what he deems ideal. As the overall theme of Black and White is Truth and Ideals.

The player beating him and Team Plasma, is meant to show how hollow Truth and Ideals are, when on a journey of power than self discovery.

Pokémon Black 2 and White 2

This carries over to Pokémon Black 2 and White 2: Team Plasma has split into two groups. One believes in the old goal of people and Pokémon coexisting peacefully, while the other wants to take over Unova. The latter, Neo Team Plasma is trying to hold onto N's ideals, while the former is the truth behind what Team Plasma always planned on.

Iris going from a Gym Leader in one version of the previous games to champion holds onto this theme, while rejecting it; this is the last 2D Pokémon game, so what is being carried over?

Fun. No matter what paths we take, what roads we travel, what struggles we face, Pokémon is all about having fun.

N lost sight of why Pokémon would want to stay with their masters, but realized in the end, through the protagonist that maybe humans and Pokémon may live in harmony one day.

Fun adds meaning to life and helps take our minds off of what we face in our day to day lives. It's the Truth of why so many love Pokémon, creating an ideal world building enrichment in our lives.

Pokémon X and Y

Moving on, in the Gen 6 games X and Y, Diantha is a fashion model and embodies beauty in yourself and finding it in others. Team Flare wants beauty to be immortalized. Diantha disagrees with Lysandre and rejects his offer early in the game, understanding nothing lasts forever and beauty becomes hollow if it does.

The player beating her and than beating AZ is meant to show how something is beautiful not because it lasts: how we feel towards it does. As seen with with AZ and Floette. Even decades later, they still hold the same love they hold for each other.

Team Flare is shown throughout the game to be a group of flamboyant criminals, that while emphasizing immortal beauty: all look the same.

As everything must fade away at some point and nothing truly lasts forever. But that's not exactly bad thing. It's a reminder of appreciating things in the here and now.

Pokémon (Ultra) Sun and (Ultra) Moon

With Gen 7, since something is done differently here, but the player still beats the Elite Four and shows how anyone can stand tall, but true knowledge never ends. As seen with being able to defend your position as champion.

When one reaches the top, what's left when you've learned all there is to learn and being number one?

Start all over again. The other side of the mountain is the beginning and every journey starts all over again.

This idea is also instilled in the challengers, as for the first time the player can defend their title as champion and teach the same lesson to them.

Pokémon Sword and Shield

In the Gen 8 games, Leon basically embodies the pressure society puts on you when you become famous and needing to live up the expectations of your family (or otherwise supporting them). He's one of the first who makes an explicit effort to keep "you kids" out of danger until it becomes impossible. He even takes an entire HIT for the player during the Eternatus incident. He breaks the trope of ten year olds being expected to handle everything, while adults help in smaller ways.

And why does he care so much? Pressure.

How fitting and ironic since this is the first console Pokémon games, with Gen 7 being the last handheld ones.

Moving on, Leon understands the pressures of the player going on a journey, as he was in the very same position himself.

Societal pressures are ultimately pointless: you decide what defines greatness and how others can follow your example. As seen with Leon looking out for the player. Not to be blinded by the light, but to follow it.

Thanks for reading everyone! I look forward to what Gen 9 may do this.

[macgyvertape]

Castlevania kinda had a pacing problem

spoilers for all of Netflix’s Castlevania. I haven’t seen much analysis for the show on tumblr, im honestly curious if discussions I had with irl friends mirror what fandom talks about

tldr: Castlevania seems inconsistently paced from season to season, and within season as well, leads to a lot of characters motivations feeling unclear so characters repeatedly explain why they are doing something while they’re doing it

overview of the seasons:

S1 I know somewhat of a test for Netflix but it has good main trio character establishment and sets the scale of the conflict

s2: pretty complete emotional arc for most characters and resolves the plot of killing Dracula while setting up additional characters to continue the story. Isaac, Hector, Carmilla all established with the audience as characters whose story would continue

honestly I would bet this is the most popular season

S3: s2 did a bit of worldbuilding, but this season really fleshed out the world with both a wide range of locations and exploring the question of “what now, Dracula is dead but vampires and night creatures remain”.

There were basically 4 plot threads: 1) Sypha/Trevor investigating the cult & Saint Germain; 2) Hector & Carmilla (also introducing Lenore, Striga, Morana); 3) Isaac’s journey of revenge & self discovery; 4) Alucard sits around the castle and is betrayed.

overall characters roughly feel like they are in the same place if not worse. A big criticism I saw at the time, which hold up after rewatching this before s4 is nothing felt resolved for the main characters

I would say this season is where the pacing issues start to become apparent, juggling 4 plot threads that lack a central theme or even mutual character connection. If there was a central theme it would be “humans are awful to each other”. The Judge doing Hot Fuzz style murders, The Wizard in the tower, Sumi & Taka

S4: it starts with the same 4 plot threads, though upfront it is made clear that the plot theme is “people are trying to resurrect Dracula”, and the progression of the plot works to resolve unrelated plot threads until the main trio reunites for the boss fights. To me and my friends watching it was obvious that the show would reunite the main trio, the question was how and how far into the run time.

Season 4 is why I’m writing this essay, for the past 2 days I’ve been like, yeah that character sure explained their motives repeatedly maybe with some philosophical discussion, but it’s just such a weird place considering where they were in s3

Alucard’s arc:

Where he was left in season 3, it was after killing people he had trusted in self defense and impaling their corpses. It was clearly meant to parallel Dracula’s dislike of humanity. However overall his character lacked a proactive motivating force.

Honestly the most interesting thing I found in s3 was Alucard clearly misses Sypha and Trevor, however they don’t miss him or refer to him

One reason Sumi & Taka betray Alucard is for the secrets and power of Castlevania. After inviting the village including St Germain who Alucard was warned of into the Castle, Alucard makes 0 effort to secure anything, not even his personal childhood room. Guess he really learned nothing

Discussing St Germain, I think it’s funny that they had a several minute flashback sequence for his lost girlfriend (who doesn’t have a name or a voice actor), to remind the viewer of who he is, and to justify how he’s suddenly back and down for murder.

In s4 there is the call to help the village, and the walk back to the castle is a montage of Alucard opening up to Greta and becoming friendly literally overnight. He laughs off the impaling, and basically all of the darker things he went through in season 3, which has me asking what was the point of his season 3 arc then? 

Honestly writing this I realize the biggest parallel he has with Dracula is the call to action from a bold woman with a dramatic entrance speech which then leads to a romance

Isaac’s arc:

in s3, with all the other themes of “humanity sucks” I was always unsure if the townspeople were meant to appear irrational while attacking a larger force instead of letting him pass through an leave, or him not caring about how he’s provoking them is meant to show his insanity

ive seen the discussion elsewhere, curious about the Discourse here

is s4 Isaac has the whole monologue about how he now has agency but him gaining that agency was his s3 arc. In s4 he’s already at the point of accepting it. By the end of s4 he’s one of those who comes the furthest from his first character appearance to his last.

s4e5 where of Isaac attacking Carmilla in Isaac’s 2nd appearance had him resolving like 4 plot threads at once (Carmilla, Striga& Morana, Hector, and Isaac himself).

but i do wonder if Trevor, Sypha, or Alucard even know any of these people exist. I think not

I was honestly confused if I missed a scene from his dialogue about building something and what is inherent nature, to “My plan has evolved, my plan is now conquest” because he only conquests the one castle and the rest is left unclear

Upon rewatch the connection there is “killing [the wizard] felt just ... I liked that feeling”, so the show says that Isaac in the end attacked Carmilla for the sake of justice and not revenge.

Isaac in his last conversation expresses the theme of s4 “build something new on these old bones, where people can live for the future”

however, his arc honestly feel scenes were cut, and then dialogue was written around it. He’s the only living character who doesn’t show up in the epilogue and the sentient night creature “what if I could empty hell” dialogue was some of the most interesting worldbuilding. Night creatures with sentience and possibility of regaining memories!!!!

The Council of Sisters & Hector’s arc:

oh I’ve already seen s4 discourse about Lenore/Hector while searching for character analysis, a chunk of it seems to be rationalizing the absolute difference between how s3 ended with these characters and s4. It was extremely confusing for me and my friends; wondering if 1) was Hector showing more emotional intelligence than before and putting on a facade to cover up hatred? Nope 2) did more time pass than 6 weeks for there to be some kind stockholm syndrome? No, Hector seems fine to let Lenore kill herself

The slave control ring: played up in the climax of s3 and easily solved s4. s3 Lenore says if he tries to harm them, flee, or take it off it would cause crippling pain, in s4 Hector just easily cuts off his own finger.

for a control ring that they take time to show a version being on the Rebus, it doesn’t do much controlling of Hector

also guess the definition of “do harm” just refers to direct action

Lenore in s4: has no purpose in conquest, has that useless remarked on by multiple characters, is imprisoned, then kills herself after a genre aware philosophical discussion. This essay is long enough, but what the fuck happened to this character who ended s3 clearly physically and sexually abusive? Seriously this was one of the biggest writing changes to the point where she was treating Hector as an equal. Compare her last words in s3 “shh the real people [vampires] are talking”. The change in the relationship is actually something I would have taken being shown, or atleast told of what exactly caused this change other than the vague “you adopted him”

Striga&Morana get the best arc of the Council. 3 scenes: the tent argument, Daybreak armor fight & argument resolution, declaration of feelings and turning away. You could argue Castlevania is plot to be connective tissue between fight scenes, but for all the dialogue about human resistance in different seasons it was nice to see it. Overall the scenes were short but had a lot of showing what their relationship is not just telling,

unlike Carmilla. For as much hyping up as they did with her, and as much power as she had, she only appeared in 2 episodes and no other group except Isaac knew about her military conquest.

the map scene where she states her motive for conquest of wanting to take things from old men is the key example of how characterization became tell not show. How interesting was that monologue compared to the past seasons flashback to her murmuring the old vampire lord, or all her repeated insults of men/man-children that shows how she judges people??

That monologue had to carry the weight of justifying the Sisterhood bonds falling apart as well as why her motivation changed from building a human pen from Styria to Braila to world conquest. I think it did so poorly

Sypha & Trevor

really Sypha & Trevor have the main plot in the show. I checked and post season 1 the only episode they don’t appear in is s4e6, which is entirely devoted to the Isaac, Hector, and Council of Sisterhood arc. Their partnership and adventures are the main plot of the show.

Its easy to see what Trevor’s arc was over the show: coming to peace with the deaths of his family, taking up the mantle of being a Belmont, and starting a new family with Sypha.

With Sypha I actually had to scroll through tv tropes for what is her character arc, and I guess hers is disillusionment from adventure and life outside the speakers? My friends joke that Sypha’s magic is what the plot demands to look cool in a fight, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

Tangent: the ending of their arc was easy to guess: as soon as Trevor went to fight the final boss alone I literally said “oh i bet Sypha’s pregnant, Trevor’s doing a heroic sacrifice, theyll use the unexplained magical dagger mcguffin, and 60/40 odds that he goes through an infinite corridor to outright come back vs just the implication he might come back”

I guess my final thought of the show, was overall the SUPER Final Boss got my by surprise. It was a good twist I enjoyed. Not that Death appeared, I had guessed that from the heavy foreshadowing, but I was surprised by who it was, because I had thought I thought the characters involved feeling shoehorned into the plot was just more bad writing. The Alchemist who put St Germain on the path or murder for no discernible motive for helping? Sure gotta move the plot along. New Dracula court member Varney who has a whole introduction with almost every character he meets and banter about his smell? Sure thats basically how all characters talk with a snarky and acerbic voice.

[alorenawrites]

On Words and Meaning

So I've been thinking a lot about how Loki is being discussed and the words used, particularly by Hiddleston, given his bent for using literary language in his descriptions. There are three words I want to touch on in this little post, one of them definitely rooted in his usage.

So the first I want to touch on is the term "romance." We've heard (often from Hiddleston), that Loki is, at heart, a romance. I think there's a dimension of the discussion missing in these conversations in that is important to consider.

To the layman, a romance is simply a love story, sometimes with a sexual undertone. But in the literary sense, a romance is a much deeper genre. I want to consider that this layer may also be present in Hiddleston's intent on using the term in describing the story arc. It certainly is in mine, as someone with a fascination with literary form and also with an English degree who has spent way too much time exploring genre.

So firstly, we need to define "romance." From literaryterms.net:

I. What is Romance?

In the strictest academic terms, a romance is a narrative genre in literature that involves a mysterious, adventurous, or spiritual story line where the focus is on a quest that involves bravery and strong values, not always a love interest. However, modern definitions of romance also include stories that have a relationship issue as the main focus.

II. Examples of Romance

In the academic sense, an example of a romance is a story in which the main character is a hero who must conquer various challenges as part of a quest. Each challenge could be its own story and can be taken out of the overall story without harming the plot.

Example 1

A knight who wishes to prove himself by recovering a stolen heirloom from an enemy may find himself attempting to make his way through a dangerous wood filled with thieves.

Once he has accomplished this challenge, he may find himself climbing a tall mountain on which a group of people are in trouble. He would save the group somehow, and then move on.

Then the final stage: the enemy’s kingdom. There may be a fair maiden whom he meets and somehow helps or rescues, or perhaps she helps him.

But the fair maiden is not the focus of the story – his quest is the focus. Each story can be taken out, yet each builds the hero’s strength to face his final quest. These stories tend to be serious rather than humorous and touch on strong values.

In considering this, I've thought about Loki's arc as a quest that does, indeed, involve the discovery and exploration of strong values with a three part quest, though I don't think the quests entirely stand on their own. The overarching theme is about Loki discovering his sense of self- his quest to become a full person, not just a trope for the universe to exploit so others can reach their better selves. I divide the show up in to three quests. The first, in episodes 1 and 2, is Loki finding a sense of purpose in the new world- his quest is to discover who this new variant is and where they are hiding. This is resolved by the end of that second episode. The second arc takes place in the next two episodes- Loki discovering his empathy for others is the continuation of the overarching personal development plot, while his quest is to discover Sylvie's goals and to uncover/share the truth behind the TVA. And in our third section, episodes 5 and 6, we get the culmination of the personal growth arc in his ultimate discovery of different facets of himself (illuminated by the different elements of self shown in the multitude of variant Lokis) while the quest is to uncover who is in control of the Sacred Timeline and why. The differences in colour palettes, settings, tones, etc. between the three episode pairings is a part of how I started to distinguish my thoughts on each. And regardless of the visual distinctions, I most definitely see the entire arc as exploring strong values and bravery, though the bravery is multi-layered, showing not only the visible bravery of facing down an apocalypse, Alioth, etc., but the internal bravery of challenging one's self and digging deep into discovering who one really is. This is a theme of queerness that I see lingering in this series- discovering who we are is a process, not an outcome.

I think that this definition of a romance, in the classical sense, is a little oversimplified, as there is often a theme of discovery of self or improvement of self along the way. In a Gothic romance, themes of "the people are the real monsters" come into play (Crimson Peak is an excellent example of this)- there may be elements of the supernatural, but the real thing of which the viewer/reader should be afraid is the person behind the curtain. Gothic romances also often do include a love story arc, but it is often deeply flawed on some level and often also includes some sort of sexual or romantic awakening, often by a female lead, that leads to the discovery of whatever darker is taking place (Crimson Peak turns this on its head in that it is Thomas' awakening with Edith that leads to his turning point and Edith's realization that the Sharpe siblings are the monsters, not the ghosts in the hall). The themes of discovery of self, or of the fortitude of moral values, or of the journey of a person's development, play into both a Gothic romance and its foundations in a classical romance.

So. There's part 1 of this ramble.

On to part 2!

The next word I want to examine is the term "relationship" and its companion, "love." Now, mind you, I come at this from a queer perspective as a demisexual, demiromantic individual, so these two words are ones I've spent a LOT of time pondering, in the quest to define my own identity.

We've heard the term "relationship" tossed around so often with only a romantic implication attached, but in truth, this word is so much more broad than this. You are in a relationship with your barber. You are in a relationship with your cat. You are in a relationship with a spiritual advisor, a professor, your best friend, your partner. Just because it is so heavily used in this way doesn't mean the relationship is only an intimate one (though intimate relationships are also not inherently sexual or romantic in nature, either, so let's remember this as well). Now if we break down what a relationship is, it's just a consistent interaction with someone based on some common interest or goal. It's a remarkably benign word. Its connotations, however, take it in a multitude of directions.

So let's look at it through the lens of an intimate relationship and add in the component of love. We'll start with just a blanket statement that love is not only one single thing. It isn't just romantic. It is our family, our friends, our pets, pie, the colour blue, that feeling of perfection when the waves of a warm lake brush over your calves...love is embedded in the experiences of these things. We love them. Love it as vast and broad as relationships. We love places, people, things, and experiences. We love ourselves (or we try to learn to).

In my world, through my particular brand of queerness, love changes in intimate relationships on a regular basis. I love my partner dearly. But on some days, that love is to my best friend, while other days, it is a romantic love and on others, sexual expression may be involved, but they may overlap in different ways. Sexual expression is independent of romantic attraction and the degree of each isn't tied together in any way. If we can separate these things, I think we can see the relationships in our everyday lives in different lights and with greater complexity.

I also think that looking at these things through the lens of diverse sexual and romantic experiences can inform how we interpret the Loki x Sylvie pairing and why some of us just aren't bothered by it (though certainly not the only reason people aren't).

We've been told Loki loves Sylvie. That much is beautifully clear. But love (and being in a relationship) doesn't automatically mean that 1) both parties are experiencing it in the same way, 2) both parties have the same approach or priorities, 3) the level of romance is necessarily the same between the people involved, 4) that sexual attraction exists at all.

Sometimes a kiss is a form of communication and not tied to the want to shag someone.

So this is where my interpretation of this particular pairing comes into play. I do see the story as a romance, in the classical sense, but also with a slight streak of the more modern sense involved. The focus is still on the quest, even when the love story emerges. And that is where I see the priorities of these characters and their definitions of the relationship differing and I analyze it through these different dimensions of love and relationship orientations.

Loki actually embodies one of the traits I've seen listed for demisexuals- we hold our friendships extremely close and because we hold our friendships the way we do, it isn't uncommon for us to end up with crushes on our best friends (and no, they don't generally develop into other forms of relationships, but they could). This is the phase in which I see Loki by episode 6. He has formed this intense bond, unlike any other it seems he's had, and his heart is breaking over the thought of losing her to her own rage. All he wants is for her to be OK, remember? This isn't a selfish action. But I think it is significant that while he tries to stop her, he's not the one who initiates the kiss. All his actions here are ones that a close friend would also do for their best friend. Like, I'd try to stop my besties from inadvertently destroying the universe. I'd even throw down over it. And for the exact same reasons- the risks are too great, we need to think, and I want them to be OK. Almost everything Loki does throughout his growing closeness to Sylvie is something I'd do for one of the people I've told I'd defend- as in, I literally told some of these people, "anybody messes with you, I'll cut a bitch- just tell me who and I'm there."

So because of all this, I don't see this relationship as sexual in any way. Romantic? Possibly. But not necessarily. Even being in love with one another doesn't mean a relationship has to have a sexual component.

Looking at Sylvie, I see her also as having found companionship with Loki, but her overriding goal is, ultimately, not to bond with someone- it's her mission. And she has sacrificed her entire life because of the TVA to this mission. She tells him repeatedly, in one way or another, that the mission comes first. Yes, she does care about him, but I don't think the way she cares about him is the same as the way he cares about her because they have differing priorities and needs (and hence why she feels betrayed by him when he tries to stop her). Or at least she hasn't allowed herself to express that. When she falls to the ground after she's killed He Who Remains, I think we get a glimpse of what Loki meant to her- she is alone, she grieves, and there is no meaning left to her story. She's done what she dedicated her entire life to and the person who could have given it other meaning is no longer beside her.

I still don't think that the first thing they would do upon seeing each other is suck face and have wild sex. Would that bother me? No, not really. I can headcanon something different than what actually happens, I'm fine with that (just look at all this glorious headcanoning happening right here!) I'd like it to stay a romantic friendship (queer platonic relationships for the win- they're squishes!) because I don't think we hardly ever see those types of relationships and queer platonic relationships are incredibly beautiful and powerful and yes, based on love and maybe even romance, in their own way. They are defined by the people in them, as are all relationships.

And now to address "but she kissed him!"

Yes, she did. And I've kissed my partner when there wasn't romance involved because I wanted to share a moment, to express something deeper than I had words for (yes, even on one of my aromantic leaning days), or just because it's fun. And it doesn't have to "match" up with how the other partner feels it, either, so long as the message itself is what comes across. This is how I read the Sylvie x Loki kiss. It was a message of worthiness. Loki's entire arc, including in that scene, is in discovering if he's anyone different than the monster he's made himself out to be (and encouraged others to see him as). He tells Sylvie that he can't be trusted, falling back on the habit of characterizing himself as the professional liar, the one who can't form those attachments which are built on trust. He also identifies her as someone incapable of trust in that moment, which I think is also a projection of how he sees himself. He tells Mobius he can only trust himself and the show slowly shows Loki coming to trust others, but in this moment in the Citadel, he's falling back on a different perception of himself.

This is where the kiss comes in, for me. Sylvie isn't trying to tell him she'd jump him right then and there, if things were different. Sylvie is trying to tell him that she does trust him, that he can be trusted, and that he is worthy of the affection of a friend, even if she can't have him in her way. She is prioritizing her mission, yes, but not without giving him some sort of reassurance, in her own way, that this rejection isn't personal. That he isn't too broken to be loved. It doesn't have to go into romance (not saying it couldn't, just saying it isn't a requirement). It doesn't have to go into sexual relationship territory.

Maybe I see this so vastly differently because of my experiences exploring gender, sexuality, and romantic orientation. Maybe I see this so differently because at this stage in my life, I would absolutely kiss a friend if I felt something so heavy was going to break them. I have a friend I say "I love you" to every time we talk on the phone or video chat- we've been together for 20 years. I've got photo proof of a snuggle pile of friends when I was a young adult. I've shared a bed with a friend with no reason other than that we didn't want to sleep on the floor and why not. I've had friendships that were awkward to start and intense once they got going that are absolutely still important in my life. I've had crushes on friends that have faded and just shown me another dimension of what it is to love someone. I've watched adults who struggle to make connections to other people discover those moments of awkward "how do I do friend mode?" and come out stronger for them, with that huge sense of victory hidden behind a small smile they don't want to share with anyone else quite yet.

I see so much possibility in how we interpret a television show reduced to "it's a romance and that's sick and incest and he wants to fuck himself!" and it just saddens me that so many people have such a limited understanding and experience of the depth and breadth of human relationships and of how people love one another.

[takaraphoenix]

So I just finished the third season of The Bold Type and oh boy did they drop the ball in this one. I... really enjoyed this show until now but this season was just so intensely exhausting and honestly cringey.

The only good storyline was Jane’s. Her finally dumping that cheating piece of garbage. The way they handled her surgery and recovery and the struggle she had. It was incredibly emotional and well-paced and I genuinely loved the way they handled it.

-

But everything else was... pretty much garbage, in my opinion?

-

I mean, Sutton? Sutton and Richard, getting married, after being in a relationship for what, five years? And... they never actually talked about their future? They never talked about having kids? I hate this dumbassery of “let’s get married but like we never actually talked about how we imagine our future” and the way they handled that, with how Richard behaved? How he placed all the blame on Sutton? What in the world was that? She put her life on hold for him, repeatedly. It wasn’t because of her job that you guys hid your relationship for so long, it was yours. And when you decided to go to San Francisco for a job, she was just 100% behind you.

But now she’s deceiving you because... she... doesn’t read minds, or what? Saying “I want something like they have” is the broadest, least specific bullshit. Something, what? Their career, their marriage, their house? That does not specify that you want children. Saying “I definitely want children” is how you specify that you want children. To only blame her for not telling him that she didn’t want kids...? When two people are in this relationship and neither of them actually spoke up about their wants and needs here? That is equally both their fault.

Not to mention his... his reaction. Just, his reaction to everything.

When, only two months after the miscarriage, she wanted to have sex again and he just immediately goes “so x position is better for conception”, that was just... incredibly insensitive. I don’t know about anyone else but me, but... two weeks after losing a baby to already try again seems incredibly early and to overrun her like that instead of first, in a quieter moment, address the issue? Not to mention that this was an unplanned pregnancy and she just started a new, busy job so it really wasn’t a good fit time-wise.

His reaction to when she told him she didn’t want babies? The throwing and trashing stuff? It just will never sit right with me when men express their anger/frustration by smashing and destroying things right next to the woman. It is purposefully intimidating and reads far too close as a ‘replacement’, which also is always intensified by the woman jumping away instinctively, as Sutton did. Not... Not a great move. Really creepy.

And then they just... end it. Just like that. After this entire show had their will they won’t they build up to them getting married, it all falls apart like that, so unceremoneously and Sutton goes onto a completely self-destructive tour of discovering that she is, after all, no better than her mother, putting her somehow even below square one.

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The worst offender however is whatever the fuck this show did to Kat. And to Adena. But let’s start with Adena.

Adena, an out and proud lesbian, a Muslim, a woman of color, a feminist. And now... a biphobe, apparently? Wow, that’s just such a great look on her.

It’s incredibly OoC for Adena. This woman, who met Kat when Kat was still thinking she was straight, who supported Kat through her self-discovery. And while Kat used “lesbian” as a self-identifying label twice in previous seasons, she always more leaned toward “queer” to label herself.

So to now have Adena, whose entire character was always about lending women a voice and standing up for them, who always supported Kat, who met Kat when Kat was still very much busy sleeping with men, now act biphobic when Kat comes out as bisexual...? It just... It really fucked Adena over.

Especially the garbage she was spouting. That if Kat now liked men, did that make Adena “just a phase” and were her feelings for Adena “even real”? That is just the most bottom of the barrel biphobic talk, this felt like someone just did one quick google search on biphobia and crammed them together and made Adena say that. It... just didn’t feel authentic for Adena, after how she had been represented so far and how she had acted and handled Kat’s journey of self-descovery.

I understand that they really wanted Kat to face biphobia and I genuinely did love the bonding moment that gave Kat and Oliver, but there was absolutely no need to throw Adena under the bus like this. They could have literally gone to that stupid lesbian-exclusive party and just have... have some random unnamed character act biphobic?

Considering this wasn’t even meant as a lasting plotline that’d be pulled through as a proper arc, because two episodes later, Adena suddenly got over her biphobia. Which is just another thing that makes it more ridiculous, because a woman like Adena, who is deeply involved with the community and who is strongly opinionated, would - if she really was biphobic - not just change her stance on that in like two weeks just because...?

It really showed that they used Adena not as a character but as a plot-tool for Kat’s plotline and it did Adena such a disservice - especially since she is one of your four (4) queer characters and she is your only lesbian.

Don’t validate negative stereotypes like prickly lesbians who only date Gold Star Lesbians because otherwise the lesbian feelings between them just aren’t lesbian enough and like how would she know they’re real if her partner isn’t also a lesbian?

And yes. Yes, I am well-aware we have a huge problem of biphobia within the community. I am well-aware that these type of lesbians exist. But, as mentioned above, they could have taken a minor character only introduced for this plotline to deliver this biphobia, instead of throwing their only lesbian character under the bus like this.

Adena is such a brilliant character and she is... so much representation? I mean, she is one of only four queer characters, of only two queer women, she is the only lesbian, she is the only Muslima, she is one of the only two women of color in the recurring/main cast. I genuinely don’t understand how you can look at a character like that and go “ah yes, let’s just temporarily antagonize her for another character’s plotline, which goes entirely against her own characterization so we will actually also totally backtrack on it after all is said and done”, because it’s... I don’t think there’s a real word for what this is, but it’s bullshit, to say the least.

-

Now about Kat. Who finally figured herself out this season. And then just immediately had to deal with the biphobia, but not for too long because that’d be too distracting, we have too much to do in throwing her character under the bus too, after all.

I mean seriously, Kat’s a biracial bisexual liberal woman, who had an entire season-long plot about being a liberal woman trying to carve a space for herself, for her community, against bigotry. Both, her being biracial and her being bisexual, has always torn her and made her not fit quite in and made her look for her place to belong and she fought hard for it.

So the natural progression for her character truly is to make her date a... I really do not want to type these words together, to be quite frank... but a Republican lesbian. And not just... be with her, but “come around” to her viewpoint. It was essentially throwing out the long-suffering plotlines of Kat fighting hard for her spot in favor of now being downgraded to a bar-tender who is fascinated by the Republican POV on life.

They really used Kat to antagonize liberals as sensitive snowflakes and show that “Republicans can be serious and have good points too!”. They turned Kat into a... clumsy oaf, at best, the way she handled herself around the politics this season? After she literally ran for office before, trying to become a politician herself? But now she is swayed or fascinated or whatever for “the other view-point”?

And just the timing, to have a “Republicans aren’t that bad!” angle in your show while Republicans are literally busy running your country into the ground? Ya really thought this was a great angle to work with? And for her, of all characters?

It made... absolutely no sense with how Kat had been portrayed so far to have her enthralled by this bullshit spouting Republican, because “different views are important and can be insightful”...

There are angles where, from a storytelling POV, you can introduce various views and make it very interesting to watch, but if your way of introducing this other view is literally by her defending her homophobic father who wants to help pass a bill on conversion therapy, I’m sorry there is absolutely no listening to that.

And that’s not being emotional. This is directly about the lives of human beings. There is no discussing that, there are no other opinions on the matter of whether or not children should be tortured into being straight.

And having her, very lacklusterly, say that she personally is against conversion therapy means... it... it means literally nothing if she is not speaking up about it and instead wants to bury evidence about her father supporting it and has no problems with him supporting it in the first place.

The ““cutesy”“ situation of her threatening to get Kat fired over this, Kat actually getting fired and her then accidentally getting Kat fired from her next job, just to graciously help her keep her job after all like some White Republican Savior was... very cringey to watch, but so was honestly every single interaction between them, based on the juxtaposition of those characters.

I’m sorry, as a lesbian, I have intensely strong feelings about how they utilized lesbian characters for bullshit agendas this season. First Adena for the biphobia angle and then writing a Republican lesbian in there to like... sell Republicans?

I just... genuinely can not grasp what that storyline even was, because it honestly just felt like Republican propaganda? And yes, propaganda. Because it undermined the already established liberal character that Kat had been, made her not entirely turn toward being Republican but suddenly be oh-so open minded about the views (after this plotline was literally introduced through, and I will say it again, conversion therapy. I mean seriously, you could have a liberal and a Republican have conversations with each other and “see each other’s points of view”, but you absolutely can not have that after introducing the plotline through one of the most horrific things that can happen to our community). They portrayed Eva as the understanding, calm, rational, charming party in this and made Kat the overly angry, emotional and downright doe-eyed one who learned so much from Eva, while not having Kat teach Eva anything. This was never portrayed as a mutual seeing each other’s viewpoints; Kat was the only one who changed over this storyline. And that is what made this not feel like an “equal opportunity POV exchange” storyline but like propaganda.

-

My very last critique point is the oversexualization of absolutely everything. I mean, yes, this show has always been very sex-positive and about women embracing their sexuality and I absolutely support this message. But... this season went... beyond that? It wasn’t just sex-positive it was downright negative on no sex. The utter despair for sex and linking it with success?

The plotline of how Jacqueline wanted to show women in “power” through fashion, but it was all about owning their sexuality and the first pitch immediately included lingerie. And worse yet, that thing where Ryan and Jane were not having sex.

The freaking intervention. Because... she was having a genuinely good time just having spa-days with her boyfriend instead of fucking like rabbits every hour of the day? That they literally put an intervention together there. That not having sex is oh-so bad, even though honestly, until that intervention, Jane did not look unhappy.

I just think that a show that praises itself on its queer viewpoints and puts the queerness so very front and center needs to step up their game and start including an asexual viewpoint. Both, in the show and in the magazine itself because everything they write and do comes back to sex and it’s starting to get really, truly tiresome.

Sex-positivity doesn’t have to mean that you reinforce that to be a strong, independent woman you have to have sex and that a relationship is only successful if they have lots of sex.

[reylofanfictionanthology]

Authors have now been revealed for For one is love and both are one in love!

Over 170 fics were posted to our Exchange this month and we are so excited to finally share the authors with you!  Thank you so much to all of the writers who wrote for this event!  

For one is love and both are one in love collection on AO3 |  Gift Fic Master Post Part One | Treats Master Post

Gift Fic Master Post Part Two:

In Other Words, Hold My Hand by Cwenphy for MBlair

Stargazing and waltzing on the lake.

Meet Me in the Meadow by Miranda13 for MeadowHayle

Ben was not the typical Alpha. Rey was not the typical Omega. Utterly indifferent to other people, only in their fantasies or dreams would they experience desire. After many years of loneliness, they meet in a support group for struggling demi-humans, and everything changes. Ben and Rey embark together on a healing journey of self-discovery and self-acceptance. Maybe, they don’t need to be alone, anymore. Maybe, they were never alone, to begin with.

The Rise of Ren by Ayrith for Merixcil

For the last seat in the Knights of Ren, there are two candidates. The first, a powerful scion of a great Force legacy, formally trained by the last Jedi. The second, a force sensitive urchin with no past, nurtured by the cut-throat criminal underworld. Kylo or Kira. There can only be one.

Legion by Tiara_of_Sapphires for midwinterspring

The war was over. Across the galaxy, hundreds called out in one voice: “I need a teacher.” A fic for midwinterspring for the RFFA Valentine’s Day 2020 Exchange Prompt: Rey and Ben train new Force users and fix things

All That Glitters by PalenDrome for MintyCel

The Kingdom of Exegol holds the key to Kylo's future. All he needs to do is to get past the omega guarding it.

Thaw My Frozen Heart by DarkSideOfMe for Miranda13

“A bounty hunter decides that the former Supreme Leader would make an excellent prize and manages to get the jump on Ben while he is on a mission for the Resistance, encasing him in carbonite. Rey is quick to mount a solo rescue mission and helps Ben recover from the hibernation sickness when she eventually gets him back." - Reylo-Prompts

Good Boy by rissanox for MissCoppelia

Ben adopts a dog who needs some training. Thankfully, he gets help (and a little bit more) from Rey, a dog trainer.

the world's not perfect but by aNerdObsessed for misszeldasayre

What would happen in a galaxy where the New Republic never got off the ground and the First Order choked before it started? Maybe a scavenger girl would become a foundling under the care of a Mandalorian bounty hunter.  Maybe a troubled child would shake off a burdensome legacy to follow his father's less-than-lawful profession. Maybe a cocky flyboy would find himself using his charm to win gigs delivering spice for the syndicates. Maybe a mechanically-minded girl would start taking off-the-books jobs for the occasional criminal. Maybe a boy with too many questions would leave his parents to learn about this thing called the Force. Turns out the galaxy is a lawless place with every sentient for themselves.

like roses and clover by notkellymarie for mrstater

" There is no comfortable position. No matter how he laid down on his cot, his bones feel brittle, his skin itching all over with the sensation of a thousand ants crawling all over his body. His stomach swirls like a maelstrom, and he blames it on the caf he had in order to stay awake through one of his lessons. Pathetic. You can’t even sleep right. He promises to skip the caf the next day, and his consciousness floats on the surface even as he wishes to be pulled under." -- Ben Solo has never had a single good night's sleep in his life. Rey of Jakku never wanted one. The Battle of Exegol rang and wants to know if this is still the case.

It never gets easier, you just get better.  by PoliticalPadmé for MyJediLife

Ben is an addict working through his pain. Rey is a counselor assigned to his care. They weren't supposed to fall in love.

Dreamscape by cuddlesome for Nebulous Bounds (RainonyourBack)

Kylo mostly worsens and occasionally betters Rey's visions while she sleeps.

Why we can't be by MedowHayle for newseptembers

When old Maz forsaw a dyad, Rey never thought it would be a soulmate bond between her and the First Order coven member Kylo Ren. Desperately trying to undo her connection to the enemy, she seeks out ancient texts and meets Ben, a bookshop owner and crafter, who seems to catch her attention every time they meet.

Beside the Lake by elegygoldsmith for Ngoc12thefangirl

“Ben…” It’s half groan, half laugh, all ache — and he wants to reach out to her but he doesn’t trust himself to stop at only holding her hand. Rey’s gaze softens, and that grief she’s been feeling comes roiling out of her like a thunderstorm. It’s too much for him to take. “Tell me.” “I want kids.” She says the words so softly that he might not have known what she was saying if he hadn’t seen her lips moving and heard the syllables echoing in his mind. “Oh.” It’s stupid, but he doesn’t know what else to say. “I mean…” She fumbles again, but this time she doesn’t even bother finishing in words. I want kids now. A short, smutty one-shot in which Ben and Rey grapple with the next step in their life together.

You Need A Teacher by andabatae for ninecrimes

After the events of TROS, Rey returns to Ahch-To... and a healed Ben Solo. There, she plans to consummate their relationship. Too bad she has no idea what she's doing.... Luckily, Ben is happy to teach her everything he knows. ----- “Okay.” Rey took a deep breath, preparing herself for the strange, mortifying experience to come. “So what do I do?” “Well,” he said, “first you let me kiss you some more. Then, when you’re ready, you take your clothes off. Then you sit on my face.” “Just like that?” “Just like that.”

Grey Skies Ahead by Lightningpelt for NiriKeehan

She took his hand—not in the name of the Light, or the Dark. They were a dyad, the embodiment of balance—an Alliance of Grey.

Ever as before and ever just as sure as the sun will rise by Cairdiuil_Paiste for OccasionallyCreative

The war is over. On a peaceful estate in Naboo's Lake Country, Rey and Ben prepare for their wedding and think of how they got here. Using lyrics of title song of 'Beauty and the Beast'.

swish of the bumblebee by qotsisajakk for OptimisticBeth

She should get the sand - and gravel, and rocks - and run all the way home and make things right for him. Although, the fish had gotten her into this mess in the first place, however inadvertently, so maybe she should move him to Finn’s room where she wouldn’t have to look at his little fins swishing away ever again, reminding her of- Rey's betta fish needs an upgrade in living conditions. When she posts a question asking for help, she gets a little more than she bargained for.

Dissolver of Sugar by Apricot for optimus_pam

“Rey...what could anyone do, to make up for what Kylo Ren did?” Or: Redemption isn't supposed to be easy. A TROS fix-it fic, of sorts.

Delirium by TearoomSaloon for PalenDrome (nerdherderette)

That was the trouble with these things, wasn't it? Every once in a while the drugs backfired and they both got a dose of what was really, probably, very potent pheromones. Excerpt: He heard the edge of anger in her voice, the snarl she tried so desperately to conceal. The powder was getting to her. "You're jealous, aren't you?" "No!" "You are." Against his better judgement, he stalked to her, backing her to the wall. "You can't stand the fact that you're not my first partner." "I'm not your partner!" He leaned in, lips almost to her ear. "You want to be though, don't you?" She barreled into him with a scream, head connecting with his chest as she tackled him to the floor. Faster than he could react, she had his arms pinned over his head, knees firmly pressing into his breastbone. "I don't want to be anything to you. Not your friend, not your ally, and especially not your lover."

Renewed by DrPearlGatsby for patig_00

The world between worlds is neither hot nor cold. So when Ben feels his arms break into gooseflesh, when his shoulder aches with not a remembrance but an actual twinge of pain, when he tries to rouse himself from meditation and realizes that he’s fighting the need to fall back asleep, he opens his eyes—in a room on the Millennium Falcon. [[Something in the Force allows Ben Solo to be resurrected on the Millenium Falcon during a little Resistance mission. Expected hilarity ensues. Angst WITH A HAPPY ENDING.]]

 a million miles (cross the ocean)  by bittersnake for persimonne

in which the Force tries to pay back some of the debt it owes the Skywalkers.

All that's best of dark and bright by ArdeaJestin for persopilliankore

Rey had big plans for Valentine's Day: laundry, errands, and an evening of fantasizing over her impossibly sexy building manager, Ben Solo. That was before she found an anonymous love poem in her mailbox.

Wherever There is You, I Will be There Too by optimus_pam for politicalmamaduck

According to Greek mythology, Tartarus is the deep abyss used as a dungeon of torment and suffering for the wicked. Rey journeys there in search of a lost soul.

Laid To Rest by mrstater for PoliticalPadmé (magnetgirl)

Ben wants to show Rey the galaxy, to see it with her. First, they have business on Naboo.

What Was Lost Is Now Found by Ceallaigh for punkeraa

"Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let's have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found." The Parable of the Prodigal Son, New International Version

Be With Me by tmwillson3 for qotsisajakk

TROS Fix-it. When Rey asks the Jedi of the past to be with her, the bond she shares with Kylo Ren also opens. He is forced to come to terms with his growing feelings for her, and together, they take down the greatest evil, those words continue to bring them together.

Always in Motion by maq_moon for QueenOfCarrotFlowers

Dr. Rey Jackson, archaeologist, is mistaken for a celebrity and given an upgrade to Business Class on her incredibly long flight. Unfortunately, she's been seated next to the douchebag who's been pestering her for the last two hours. More unfortunately, she finds a letter in her carry-on bag telling her that their plane is about to go down. The worst part? The letter was written by Luke Skywalker, a man who has been dead for years.

we might be the outsiders by UndergroundValentine for radioactivesaltghoul

As though, in a blink, the cavern becomes light, and he sees the pale cream and gold shimmer of the creature, with a dark brown pattern across the head and hood.

Between the Sun and the Moon by radioactivesaltghoul for redbelles

The Force demands that Rey and Ben pay a price for the power they gained in their preparation to take down Palpatine, but they don’t learn what they paid until it disturbs the peaceful life they’re trying to build together after the war is over.

Starless Sky, Black by dustoftheancients for RedPaladin465

“Why did you change your mind?” It takes a long time for her to answer. “I didn’t want to be alone.”

The Girl From The Tower by itsnotillegal for ReyloBrit

Prompt: "Quiet and obedient Rey lives a godly life with her grandfather, until the family hire a new gardener Ben, a mysterious and deeply attractive man. Sparks fly between the two."

The Falcon and the Wolf by ClockworkCrow for reylotrash711

On the fifth anniversary of the destruction of Starkiller Base the Senate is throwing a masked ball and invited members of the old Resistance. Still trying to rehabilitate his image, Senator Ben Solo has no choice but to attend. Written to fulfill this prompt: Ben and Rey dance at a masked ball, unaware of who they are dancing with. Until the masks are taken off at midnight. Romance and Sexual Tension ensue, will they be able to refrain their urges? Hell no. But I also mixed in a healthy dose of this prompt as well: Prompt 2 - What if Ben was unable to bring Rey back and had to call on the help of the Skywalkers that came before him? Is he ready to pay the price of losing his force sensitivity for the women he loves?

and we'll live a long life by LRRH17 for ReyloTrashCompactor (NextToSomething)

When Rey heals him on Kef Bir, Ben has a vision. He and Rey must work together to prevent it from coming true.

Found Belonging by apisa_b for rissanox

Rey joins her friends and former comrades in arms on Chandrila for the festivities around the anniversary of the battle of Exegol. To everyone’s surprise she is accompanied by two mysterious Mandalorians.

Loathe Thy Neighbor by ReyloTrashCompactor for SaintHeretical

Rey's neighbor is the worst. He listens to terrible music, he's impolitely large, and he smells incredible. She hates almost everything about him. Especially the smelling good bit.

Can You Feel The Love Tonight? By ElleRen31 for shiiera

Ben Solo travels to Takodana National Park in South Africa on a research mission where he meets fellow researcher, Rey. While they might get along as well as lions and hyenas at first, perhaps they have more in common with each other than they think.

He's Just Not That Into You(r) Scent by SaintHeretical for shipperofdarkness

Rey is a young and single Omega who hasn't had a lot of luck so far finding a nice Beta guy who isn't a total flake. They say they've had a great time with her, but seem to have a difficult time with calling her back. Ben is an Alpha bartender who is tired of hearing about her dating difficulties, and is ready to drop some truth bombs. An ABO He's Just Not That Into You AU

The Purest Love by MyJediLife for six4au

When a deeply scarred and traumatized Ben Solo is placed in a program to try and pair him with a canine helper, he finds that he gets more than he ever imagined with the therapist assigned to him.

The Monster in Skywalker Manner by datswatutink for solikerez

Rey marches up the walk, takes hold of the door knocker, and bangs it sharply three times. Nothing. She rattles the door handle. Nothing. Absurdly, she checks the address (is this the right creepy-and-probably-abandoned-Skywalker-Manner on Alderaan street?). It is. -Or- Rey takes a shady job to clean the old Skywalker Manner and discovers that there's something much scarier than dust and spiderwebs living there. But maybe that's not the whole story, because what kind of monster loves roses and books?

Stargazing by FangirlintheForest for SpaceWaffleHouseTM

“I wish they would go blind, stop whispering: he’s lying, he’ll leave. I hate that they know what I don’t want to hear. Their poison passes my lips, harmless. Call me Faith, not Medusa, no one need become stone.”

through the darkness to the dawn  by redbelles for starfleetjedi

She couldn’t breathe. Spots danced in her vision, black as the nothingness yawning behind her breastbone. Ben was gone. No. The plea tore out of her, wild and broken, racing through the vastness of the Force, past stars and planets and distant moons to the far edges of the universe. There was only silence. She tried again. Ben. Ben, please. Answer me. Or: Rey, after.

Tabula Rasa by Chthonia for suchlostcreatures (godfmischief)

Ben survives the battle on Exegol. That was the easy part.

Intro to Love by abbytheatre08 for TheStolenQuill

Rey and Ben are music students, put together to work on a final that, surprise isn't in a music class. They hadn't really known each other much before that but will that change as they keep working together?

I met you once — ( In a dream ) by persopilliankore for thewayofthetrashcompactor (BriarLily)

He sucks in a deep breath and exhales, a pout forming on his plump lips and it's so distracting the way they- "Just Ben," He closes his eyes. "see me no more than that, 𝙥𝙡𝙚𝙖𝙨𝙚." Or Where Ben and Rey are soulmates and Ben is more than meets the eye

Supernova by LueurdeLaube for Tiara_of_Sapphires

“She loved him so much she was going to smother him with it until there wasn’t a molecule of doubt left in his heart.” After the war Rey and Ben settle into an uneasy life of peace, followed by judgment and resentment. Ben Solo may have decided to remain behind to atone for his sins, but the people won’t forget Kylo Ren so soon.

Happy Accident by crossingwinter for tmf

A baby. Her baby having a baby. She’d given up dreams of grandchildren when Ben was fourteen, and not even his having a steady girlfriend had let her change her mind about it. “So yeah, we need to talk,” Rey mumbles at last. Ben doesn’t say a word, and Leia can imagine him clearly, sitting there, staring off into space, dazed—like when she’d told Han that she was pregnant.  One fun night at the Yub Nub Club and a little bit of carelessness with the condom... Not that she’d ever tell Ben that he’d been an accident.  He’d guessed it for years, but she’d go to her grave asserting he hadn’t been. “You want to keep it,” Ben says at last—a statement, not a question. — Or: Leia watches her son and his girlfriend prepare to become parents.

Crafting A Connection by LostInQueue for tmwillson3

Rey and Ben have been friends forever, so much so that Ben never dreamed that it something as small as getting that manager's position he'd been gunning for would get in the way of it. Now that it has, Rey's been distant. So... so distant and he has no idea how to get her back. Rey has only been trying to be a good friend and not use him for his status, which means instead of accepting rides from him like she had, she hasn't. She isn't trying to push him away but things are different, and he's difficult now. What on earth can she do about it? Mother nature has something to say about these two, that's for sure. The snow storm of the year is coming, stranding the two together the Friday before Valentine's Day weekend to give them the time to work things out.

this tangled light by hxllosweetie33 for TolkienGirl

The war is over, but at what cost?

Welcome to the Fire by KitsuShel for trasharama

Rey is competing on the reality television show, First Order Inferno, for a chance to become Head Chef at Benjamin Solo's latest restaurant. What happens when the competition gets a little too hot in the kitchen?

as certain dark things are to be loved by politicalmamaduck for tropixo (ursaminors)

Lady Rey, Master of the Knights of Ren, makes a choice. She chooses Ben Solo.

Bend or Break by Biekewieke for tweis24

It's been six months since the Battle of Crait. Both sides of the war have been continuing down their path, both sides struggling with loss. For some, it's just business. But for others, it's personal. For Rey of Jakku and Kylo Ren... it most certainly is personal. Once again, the Supreme Leader of the First Order and the Jedi, Hope of the Resistance confront each other and clash. How will they react and what will transpire when Bonds are blocked and unexpected events are thrown their way? Will either of them bend? Or will they break?

Heaven, let me through by Crimson_Alchemistress for Twisted_Mirror

No matter how hard they try, they can't get each other out of their heads.

Osmosis by suchlostcreatures for viajeramyra

“I don’t need Ben Solo,” Rey states, rising from the throne. Her steps are slow and deliberate as she stalks towards him. “I need Kylo Ren.” Distantly, she notes the irony. And then she offers him her hand. ------ In which Ben doesn't reach Rey in time. (And the one time he does.)

Tell the World I'm Alive by Crysania for VirtualMadness

Rey returns to Exegol to retrieve all she has left of Ben Solo: his shirt. But what she finds there isn't at all what she expected to find. (Title comes from the song Who Will Save You Now by Les Friction. The lyrics are just so Reylo and it's a beautiful song.)

Sunset by reylotrash711 for Vivien

Rey has news. Ben has a question.

 Good Morning, Mrs. Solo  by Amy326 for walkingsaladshooter

Just a sweet one-shot about a really good morning for Ben and Rey. Modern AU.

After the End by ReyloBrit for witchsoup

Ambassador Organo-Solo is asked to attend a celebration to mark the anniversary of the end of the war, and is reunited with the woman whose life he saved. The woman he once loved.

getting the best of your opponent is easier if you smooch them first by persimonne for wombathos

A few months after the Battle of Crait, Supreme Leader Kylo Ren orders a ceasefire and asks to meet a delegation from the Resistance to negotiate the end of the war and the future of the Galaxy far, far away. But our heroes Finn and Rose notice straight away that their friend Rey is behaving strangely…

Borne Aloft by BensLostTookaCat (CJWritesAgain) for Xochiquetzl

A mysterious voice has called Rey to Tatooine after the death of Ben Solo and the defeat of the First/Final Order. Once she's there, a ghostly guide offers to take Rey through the Underworld to save Ben and return him to the world of the living.

You can view the other two masterposts for this exchange in this tag.

[dragonkeeper19600]

Houseki no Kuni vs. Steven Universe

Context: I commented on a Houseki no Kuni video on YouTube agreeing there was no point in comparing Steven Universe and Houseki no Kuni, as a lot of marketers have done in the past, because Steven Universe is clearly better. A Houseki no Kuni fan derided my view and “challenged” me to explain. So, I found myself writing an essay. An actual essay. To explain what Steven Universe does right and what Houseki no Kuni does wrong. And, I stand by it enough that I want to repost it here.

So, here we go. 

Let's talk character, shall we? Now, a lot of fans of Houseki no Kuni bring up the fact that comparisons to Steven Universe are mostly arbitrary, that despite being gemstone-based works, both have different rules, lore, characters, story, etc. All of which is totally fair and accurate. We shouldn't assume that two stories are the same or are even trying to accomplish the same thing because they both have a character named "Yellow Diamond" or "Padparadscha" in them. But, that said, there are a few story similarities the two works share. Both deal with a main character who undergoes an arc from an immature idealistic to someone much more mature and wiser. (Though, this is a storytelling convention unique to neither series.) Additionally, a major focus in both works is the main character's relationship to their main parental figure and role model. In Houseki no Kuni, this would be Adamant-Sensei. In Steven Universe, this is Steven's mother, Rose Quartz. Rose Quartz is deceased, of course, and Sensei is not, but for the most part the protagonists' relationship to these individuals is very similar. Both Phos and Steven go from idolizing these figures and seeing them as the epitome of what they themselves should aspire to to strongly reevaluating their previous hero-worship and coming face to face with all the hardship they've truly caused in the past. In this way, Phos and Steven can be said to through similar stories with similar lynchpins to start their journeys.

However, the moment you realize this crucial similarity is when the comparisons between the two arcs begin to crop up. And, in every way, Steven Universe is more dramatic, more focused, and has a better setup and payoff than Houseki no Kuni. And don't think I'm saying that Steven Universe is tonally darker than Houseki no Kuni because it isn't. That's not what I mean by "more dramatic." Dramatic doesn't refer in this case to scariness of subject matter or imagery, it refers to how strongly motivated the protagonist's decisions are. How badly do they need something and how are their decisions motivated by that need?

Let's start with Steven Universe. While Steven's goals. problems, and beliefs change a lot throughout the course of the series, there are two clear motivations that remain throughout his entire journey. They are:

1. Protect the Earth.

2. Who am I?

That's it. Everything Steven does can more or less be boiled down to those two things. The first problem represents the biggest physical source of conflict in the series. There are wild gem monsters roaming the Earth endangering the human population, many of the antagonists who come to Earth want in some way to harm the Earth. Keeping the planet and the human race safe is what motivates not only Steven but all his allies.

The second motivation deals with Steven navigating his identity as not only a gem hybrid but, perhaps even more crucially, as the only child and heir to someone he's been taught to believe was a great hero. His mother, Rose Quartz, protecting humanity from destruction. She led a rebellion against a tyrannical government to free other gems. Despite being an alien, she grew to love humanity and fell deeply in love with one human man in particular. She gave up her very life to have Steven. Etc., etc. From the beginning, Steven has been attempting to live up to his mother's legacy. In this way, Steven's second motivation, who am I, is even more important than the first because it is what drives him, and the rest of the Crystal Gems, toward the first goal. The reason they fight so hard to protect Earth is largely because of the precedent set by Rose Quartz. This is what changes wanting to protect the Earth because it's the right thing to do to needing to protect the Earth as a way to connect to Rose Quartz, someone they all love and long for. When you compare the two, wanting will always be less powerful than needing.

As the story goes on, Steven learns slowly but surely that the situation isn't as black and white as he'd thought. The monsters he'd been fighting are actually gems who underwent an involuntary transformation, most of the villains who attack humanity aren't doing it simply because of their wickedness but are directly reacting to what Rose Quartz has done. Their actions are the fallout of her actions, and a lot of the antagonists are motivated by very real and (as Steven discovers) justified hurt by what Rose Quartz did to them. Many of them are mourning people who were lost in the war she caused, several were emotionally wounded by her directly, including some among Steven's closest friends. Steven's view of his mother changes from sunny and worshipful to one of uncertainty and even resentment. But, through Steven's growing knowledge, wisdom, and attitude change, his goal of "Who am I?" remains unchanged. Because now, his goal changes from proving he's like his mother to proving he's not like his mother by becoming a better class of hero, one who heals instead of hurts. Though his quest of self-realization has changed from "I am the same," to "I am different," the core goals that motivate his thinking have not changed. 

Now, keeping all of that in mind, Steven's needs and how the most important figure in his life informs those needs, let's go back to Houseki no Kuni. Phosphophyllite starts off the series in many ways the same position as Steven. He's the youngest gem, he's weak, he's inexperienced, and he's naive. He completely idolizes not only his Sensei but also the fighting skills of the other gems, wishing to be as strong as they are. The main difference in their situations is that while Steven started off the series being adored by the other gems, Phos mostly only irritates his people, but in all other ways, Phos and Steven start off in very similar places. 

Phos's goal is also clearly established in the first episode/chapter of Houseki no Kuni: "I want to be valuable." Phos is constantly derided for being a worthless gem. With a hardness of only 3.5, useless in battle, and in general incompetent, Phos wants to prove that he can be useful, that he can be needed. So far so good. That's a strong motivation and a clear way forward for the story. The building blocks of Phos's arc have been put in place. 

The problem, the big problem that drags the rest of Houseki no Kuni down, is the execution. The inciting incident (the thing that gets the plot started) in Houseki no Kuni is when Sensei hands Phos the notepad and tasks him with writing the encyclopedia. Immediately, there's an issue of timing. Phos may be the youngest gem, but the story clearly establishes that when the story starts, he's 300 years old. Why is Sensei only now asking him to do this? The fact that gems are immortal beings doesn't change how many days and seconds long 300 years is, which is a lot. Phos's attitude and desire to be useful aren't a new thing, so why did Sensei wait until he was 300 to give him something to do? Like, what was Phos doing all that time? And, if Sensei was content to let Phos carry on doing nothing for 300 years, why did he decide now was the time to give him a job? Just a whim? Sorry, but a whim is not enough. Sensei doesn't need the encyclopedia done. If he needed it, it would have been done hundreds if not thousands of years ago. But no, he comes up with this on the spot, as Phos is lying in a bag in pieces, presumably just to make Phos feel important. 

But, okay, now Phos has been given a task. Finally. So, does Phos use this task to prove he can be useful? Does he strive to be the best writer/researcher he can be in the hopes that people will take him seriously? Does he even seem to care about the encyclopedia thing at all? Nope. His immediate reaction is to whine and complain that the encyclopedia assignment is not good enough. For the length of time that the encyclopedia remains a plot element (which is surprisingly little), Phos frequently expresses a lack of interest if not outright disdain for the project. Heck, even when Euclase tries to get him to investigate Ventricosus's shell, something he points out no other gem knows anything about and would be a huge discovery, Phos immediately tries to pass the task back to Euclase. They're outright asking him to do something important, something no one has ever done before, and he's not doing it.

Okay, that by itself wouldn't be so terrible because Phos finds another goal for himself in the form of Cinnabar. Early on, as Phos struggles to find a starting point for the encyclopedia, he talks to Cinnabar and discovers how bad his situation is. Cinnabar, too, carries on a task that he knows has no value (night patrol), he never interacts with anyone because the mercury constantly radiating off his body makes him a danger to everyone, and he's even more fragile than Phos with a hardness of only 2. Everything about Cinnabar's character seems designed to make him appear as the one person lowlier then Phos. Here is someone who could actually need Phos. Phos's vow to find him a better job (something only he can do) is a powerful moment because it shows how Phos is choosing to make himself valuable, by helping someone in a way no one else can.

So, then, Phos's bond with and desire to help Cinnabar is a big motivator in the story, right? 

That's a hard no, as well. After Phos returns from the ocean, his desire to help Cinnabar becomes mostly an afterthought. As the story goes on, Cinnabar becomes less and less relevant. The manga rapidly approaches the point where Phos never thinks of Cinnabar at all. Late in the story, the other gems actually find a better job for Cinnabar without Phos, something which is humiliatingly easy for them to do. I get that Phos slowly forgetting Cinnabar is supposed to be a tragedy, symbolic of him losing himself as more pieces are broken off and replaced, but it doesn't read as tragic because I didn't like the person Phos was in the first place. He was whiney, incompetent, and showed an inability to follow basic directions despite being 300 fucking years old. So, his transformation was just from "asshole" to "different kind of asshole." Yeah, I don't care about that. I don't miss who Phos used to be, and I don't like who he is now, so his transformation doesn't affect me as either positive or negative. It's just kind of a thing that happens.

But, why does Phos change so much? What is it that made him so bitter, so jaded (but somehow no wiser or more competent)? Well, that would probably be the winter with Antarcticite and his quest to learn more about Sensei and his connections with the Lunarians. Antarcticite's shattering and capture marks the first major personality change in Phos. It's the beginning of his cynical outlook, and his desire to rescue Antarcticite is what compels him to investigate the Lunarians, which leads him to Sensei. Since the Lunarians and Sensei are much more the focus of the plot, I'm not sure why we wasted so much time with the encyclopedia and Cinnabar if the true inciting incident was Anarticite's shattering (halfway through the anime!) but whatever. So, now we have clear motivation, right? We have a clear need, right?

Not really. Because there's no reason Antarcticite's fate would lead to Phos being suspicious of Sensei. There isn't. I get why he would become more interested in the Lunarians, but why would that lead to growing hostility toward Sensei? Antarcticite's shattering wasn't Sensei's fault, and none of the other gems who have lost partners have a desire to blame or question Sensei, so why does Phos? Because he's just special or something? Phos discovers that all the other gems suspect something's up with Sensei and the Lunarians, but they've all agreed not to bring it up because they respect Sensei. Phos was just as devoted to Sensei as everyone else, so why can't he let it go? He doesn't grieve more than the others, he isn't any smarter than the others, so what? It gets even more muddled when he realizes Antarcticite also knew and didn't want Sensei investigated. So, Antarcticite, Phos's main source of grief who is supposedly so special to Phos and his main motivator doesn't want Phos to investigate Sensei, and Phos still can't let it go. There's a moment (which is featured in this very video), where Phos murmurs to himself that he "just wants to know the truth." Oh, he just "wants to know?" So, we're back into wanting instead of needing. Phos's quest for the truth, by his own admission, is a want and not a need. But, just wanting is not good enough. Wanting is not compelling, wanting is not interesting. He has to need the truth about Sensei.

Like, suppose the Winter Arc happened differently and Antarcticite's shattering was Sensei's fault? Like, Sensei does something or says something that leads to Antarcticite's shattering. The most extreme version of this is that Sensei shatters Antarcticite himself (something we've seen him do to Phos and other gems before) because Antarcticite accidentally discovered something about Sensei's connection to the Lunarians. And, suppose Phos was the only witness to this incident because it's winter and all the other gems are hibernating. And, let's further suppose that Phos tries to tell the other gems what happened when they wake up, but none of them believe him because Sensei is just so beloved. Now, Phos has a real reason not to go along with everyone's complacency, now Phos's quest for knowledge becomes a need instead of a want. Because now, it's not just curiosity driving him, he's compelled to seek justice for Antarcticite. And this goal sets Phos apart and makes him valuable in the way he always wanted because now he's the only one who will hold Sensei accountable, someone no one else is willing to do. And, this carries the same tragic irony that the actual story tries and fails to convey. In his desire for self-actualization, Phos has condemned himself to a lonely road no other gem would choose to walk and that he himself wouldn't have chosen at the start of the story. 

But, that's not the version of the story we were given. Instead, it's curiosity that moves Phos, and as he loses more pieces of himself, the things that he used to care about, rescuing the other gems from the moon, fighting the Lunarians, helping Cinnabar, all fall away as Phos constantly gives up on his previous goals in pursuit of new ones. Again, I get that this is supposed to be tragic, but if the main character can't be bothered to care, then why should I? It's not helping that Pho's character arc is caused by (not symbolized by, caused by) physical changes that basically means he becomes brain-damaged every time he loses a body part. Instead of changing and growing organically, as Steven does, Phos is instead having his mind, memories, and personality reset after every arc. That's not growth or character development, that's just stat change.

I could go even deeper into the series and all of its problems: how the Lunarians' motivation is also a "want" instead of a "need," how the series uses Buddhist imagery and motifs to trick people into thinking the story is more profound than it really is, how the character designs for the gems make them all look like the same person wearing different wigs, and how many of the side character have one-note personalities as opposed to Steven Universe's complex characters and unique character designs, but when you get right down to it, Houseki no Kuni's main core issue is that there isn't a good enough reason for anything to happen. Steven Universe has clear emotions that drive the story forward. Houseki no Kuni does not.

When I was in sixth grade, my language arts teacher told us that a story was not just a collection of events. It's not just, "this happened, and then this happened, and then this happened." It's, "this happened because of this or this happened to complicate this." Steven Universe does that. Everything that happens is a consequence of what happened before. Houseki no Kuni just kind of has things happen. Why does Sensei give Phos the encyclopedia assignment? Just a whim. Why does Phos want to investigate Sensei? He's just curious. Why do the Lunarians want to pass to the next world? They just think it'd be nice. Why did Sensei reconstruct Phos after 220 years? Because Sensei is a dick. 

In light of all this, I'm fully convinced that the reason Houseki no Kuni gained any kind of popularity at all is because of the art style of the anime. That's it. Because, when you really break it down, it doesn't have anything else going for it. Except the soundtrack, I guess. The soundtrack is nice. 

[64bit-trash]

IZ Treasure Planet AU

This is an au my friend @yeehawimscared and I have been putting together for a while now exclusively for @shadowofthelamp‘s Adventures in Parenthood multiverse (If you haven’t read her story on Ao3, I highly recommend checking it out.  It’s great!).  It’s been exclusive to the discord server, but for the sake of the tumblr fanbase and... well... creating an actual timeline so people know wtf is going on, I’m gonna make as short a summary here as I can (God help me, it’s a long story).

Warnings for mpreg and major character death!  And Zadr... because ships apparently need to have warnings attached now

In a universe where space travel is commonplace, so much so that even Earth is aware of the existence of aliens, Dib abandons his home planet as soon as he turns 18.  Paranormal hunting on Earth seems far less interesting to him than seeing the stars, and given he and his father don’t see eye-to-eye, it all seems to be in his favor.  He buys a spaceship and travels the stars for about a year before an accidental collision with a panicked Zim’s ship as he was attempting to escape his banishment.  The two crash land on a nearby moon, and immediately, it’s hate at first sight.

After two weeks of bickering and having no luck in repairing their own ships, Zim and Dib form a truce and agree to work together so they can get off this rock and never look at each other again.  However, the following weeks reveal that they actually work pretty well as a team, and more so that they have a lot in common.  When it’s finally time to say goodbye, they both realize they don’t really want to, and instead wind up travelling together.  As the months pass, they become inseparable and eventually lovers.

All seems well and good... until Zim finds out he’s pregnant and foolishly decides to inform the Tallest of this anomaly.  Instantly, they’re pursued and Zim is taken to Judgementia for deactivation.  Dib follows and manages to get Zim out alive, but at the cost of his own life.  Zim, unable to turn back and save him, winds up travelling alone.  Deciding he’s not going to risk their smeet as well, he escapes to a distant planet to hide while he raises Twix.

Twix grows up on a worthless junker planet where Zim is running a restaurant to make ends meet.  As she gets older, she begs Zim to let her leave the planet, but he rejects every plea, leading her to become rather moody and unmotivated as a teenager.  However, when a map to a legendary planet all but falls into her lap, she finally gets Zim to cave, and the two set off to find a crew and search for Treasure Planet.

While searching for a way to travel, they stumble across Gaz, who’s become a ship captain and is very interested in the discovery of Treasure Planet.  They join her crew, keeping their relation to each other a secret for their own safety.  Tensions immediately rise when Zim realizes he’s not the only Irken aboard.  Sizz-Lorr was hired on as well, playing nice in front of Twix, but warning Zim to stay out of his way if he doesn’t want to be reported to the Empire.  Sizz-Lorr manipulates Twix throughout the journey, getting her to trust him, and fueling the resentment she has toward Zim for being so controlling.

Zim’s warnings about him prove to be correct though when Sizz-Lorr launches a mutiny and Zim, Twix and Gaz escape by a hair, Twix just managing to snag the map, and Gaz getting a pretty nasty hit on their way out. While Zim is patching Gaz up, he discovers that Gaz is Dib’s sister, and the three realize they’re family.  Twix decides to look around for a way off the planet and stumbles across Gir, who follows her back and clings to Zim immediately upon seeing him.

Eventually the group manages to steal the ship back and finally find Treasure Planet with Sizz-Lorr tailing them to it.  As it turns out, Gir belonged to the pirate who made treasure planet and housed knowledge of a booby-trap that would destroy the planet, but he told them too late.  Sizz-Lorr and Twix have a showdown while Zim desperately tries to bring the pirate’s ship back to life, and in the end, Zim and Twix manage to kill Sizz-Lorr and barely make it out with Gaz and a small handful of treasure before the planet explodes.

You good?  You still with me?  GREAT, BECAUSE THERE’S STILL MORE!

After that adventure, Twix gets to attend the flight academy to learn to fly her own ship.  There, she meets her roommate, Tulip, who she instantly forms a rivalry with.  However the two team up to try to bring back a special ship that was stolen from the academy.  The two don’t stand a chance on their own, however, and Gaz and Zim wind up coming to their rescue, only to discover a much more robotic-looking Sizz-Lorr and his crew had stolen the ship.

The group forms a plan to take the ship back, and just when it seems they’ve gotten an advantage, a tall, mysterious new enemy shows up and interferes with the mission.  Zim winds up facing them one-on-one only for the fight to feel far too familiar. He manages to de-mask the intruder to discover Dib under the mask.  They manage to knock him out, but the discovery leaves the whole group shaken.  Zim sedates him and puts him in the Voot to keep safe.

Returning to their prior mission, they find little choice but to destroy the ship.  Better to destroy it than to let the empire get their hands on the new tech.  They kill Sizz-Lorr, making sure he’s dead this time, and blow up the ship.  Gaz takes Tulip and Twix back to the academy and Zim takes Dib.  He discovers that, instead of killing him, the Empire brainwashed Dib and turned him into a living weapon.  He spends months trying to undo the damage.  Having his coat return to him triggers his memories to start returning, and when he snaps back to his old self, he doesn’t remember anything from the past 17 years.

They put the pieces back together and Dib and Twix manage to build a friendly relationship, but they can’t really connect as father and daughter.  Twix is off living her own life and building her relationship with Tulip.  Eventually, She and Tulip get married, and Zim and Dib decide to have another kid, giving Dib the opportunity to be directly involved like he had wanted to be.

TL;DR Zim and Dib have a kid together, but Dib’s killed by the empire Zim raises Twix by himself Twix finds a map to treasure planet The plot follows the major events from the movie, but with Gaz as the captain, and Sizz-Lorr as an evil John Silver.  Gir as Ben Surprise!  Sizz-Lorr’s not dead!  Surprise!  Dib’s not dead! Dib don’t remember anything tho -_- Zim and Twix help him remember! Yay!  Happy ending!

[fearsmagazine]

COME TRUE - Review

DISTRIBUTOR: IFC Midnight

SYNOPSIS: Sarah is a High school student who has hit her lowest point. When she runs away from home she finds herself with no one to rely on and struggling with recurring nightmares. She chances upon a university sleep study that offers the promise of nightly safety and money. The opportunity also brings her an unexpected friend and confidant in the overseeing scientist Jeremy. Being under observation seems to make Sarah’s disturbing dreams even worse. As nights pass Sarah senses something curious about proceedings. As the darkness of her nightmares begins to close in, it’s soon clear that Sarah has unknowingly become the conduit to a horrifying, new discovery.

REVIEW: COME TRUE is a real wow of a film. A mind-blowing visual experience that calls to mind Christopher Nolan’s “Inception,” but is a more intimate and personal film with an honesty and character driven film like his earlier work “Momento.”

Like any good science fiction story it starts from a piece of scientific fact. So, apparently researchers at MIT have come up with a new wearable device they call Dormio and a method called Targeted Dream Incubation (TDI) to help them study and record dreams. It’s new technology we discussed on the radio show I co-host over the summer. Filmmaker Anthony Scott Burns has taken that concept to the next level to craft a fantastical story of a character's quest to find herself.

There are times when I will discuss what a problem it can present when a filmmaker wears the hat of more than one job/discipline on a film. That is far from the case with Anthony Scott Burns and COME TRUE. This is such an incredibly stylized film, such a clear purpose of vision, that it only works with him at the helm of these key elements. I know people talk about various art installations that can be a “multimedia experience” and that is how I feel about this film. There is the hypnotic lighting design, the Bosch meets Giger design to the nightmares, the gritty technology designs contrasted by the sleek sleep study suits, the ying & yang relationship between the characters, and the haunting and brilliant musical score that seduces the viewer into the dream like quality of the film. These aspects of the film are reminiscent of Douglas Trumbull’s “Brainstorm,” Adrian Lyne’s “Jacob’s Ladder, and the breathtaking visions in Tarsem Singh’s “The Cell.” Still there is something innocent and raw that one could compare to the early films of David Cronenberg or Ridley Scott. For all those comparisons, COME TRUE is a distinct visual narrative that engages the senses that encounter it.

Burns starts with a simple tale of a girl's journey for self discovery and weaves in other components in the tapestry of his plot to create a striking visual narrative. Like a true master of illusions he lets us only see and know what he wants us to as he hypnotically draws the viewer into the tale. We empathise for Sarah, never questioning what we are and are not seeing, until he delivers the crescendo of the climax, achieving a similar blow as the build up and reveal that award-winning screenwriter Christopher McQuarrie did with “Usual Suspect.”

Actress Julia Sarah Stone’s performance is a tour de force. She is able to resonate a strength, while still allowing us to empathize. She presents an air of mystery and innocence that rounds out the character to allow the viewer to identify with her plight and experience the emotional roller-coaster of her journey. While she is able to emote the complex emotional spectrum of the character, there is something about her face that the director exploits through composition and lighting that reflects the dream-like quality of the film.

There is so much that could be discussed when it comes to the score. It is elegant, adding subtle tones that create an impressive resonance to both the live action and nightmare sequences. At times it skillfully reflects Sarah’s state of mind enhancing her performance. What he achieves should be used as a masterclass in how to use sound and music to enhance the visual elements and manipulate the viewer.

I’ve been a big fan of the films of Vincenzo Natali. From his feature debut “Cube,” to his contribution to “Paris, je t'aime” and beyond, to his work on series like “Hannibal” and “The Starin.” He is a talented visual artist that never fails to captivate and it is no surprise that he should be the executive producer on COME TRUE. It was author Sir Arthur Conan Doyle who said, “Mediocrity knows nothing higher than itself, but talent instantly recognizes genius.” Natali has given us the chance to experience cinematic genius. COME TRUE is an exceptional cinematic experience.

If you have not seen Anthony Scott Burns first feature, “Our House,” I recommend it.

CAST: Julia Sarah Stone, Landon Liboiron, Carlee Ryski, Tedra Rogers, Christopher Heatherington. CREW: Director/Screenplay/Cinematographer/Score/VFX - Anthony Scott Burns; Producers - Steven Hoban & Mark Smith; Score - Pilotpriest & Electric Youth; OFFICIAL: www.ifcfilms.com/films/come-true FACEBOOK: N.A. TWITTER: N.A. TRAILER: https://youtu.be/PHcIQYPgE_w RELEASE DATE: In Select Theaters, Digital & Cable VOD Friday, March 12th, 2021

**Until we can all head back into the theaters our “COVID Reel Value” will be similar to how you rate a film on digital platforms - 👍 (Like), 👌 (It’s just okay),  or 👎 (Dislike)

Reviewed by Joseph B Mauceri

[selfhelpadvicefromme]

BE A GURU: Help a friend

My best friend always seemed like she was somewhere else whenever we were together. She never seemed satisfied with where she stood in her life; the way she looked and acted always fell secondary to everyone else. She was a people-pleaser. She often didn’t speak her mind, and opted for quiet observation more often than not. She walked on eggshells around everyone. I picked up on all of these little details in bits and pieces from our weekly interactions. Four years ago, I wouldn’t have recognized the person she had turned out to be. And I drew it all back to her long term boyfriend of four years. Let’s use an alias and call him John. 

John never had her best interests at heart. He manipulated her in ways that weren’t always so obvious - ways that only an observant eye could detect from the outside. He ignored her often. He was a gaslighter. He drove her away from her family and her friends. Above all things, he was inconsistent. One day he would shower her with affection, and the next he would be ice cold. I felt it in my gut that he was never right for her. But he came into her life under the disguise of everything that she seemingly needed at the time. He helped fill the void she had for male approval. Her parents were divorced, and she never had a great relationship with her Dad. I’ve come to realize through the years that people tend to lean toward relationships that feel familiar to them, whether or not they are healthy. Falling into the same bad habits she had with her father, she welcomed John into her life with open arms. He thought of their fights as necessary steps they needed to take in their relationship. If he never reprimanded her for her actions, they might never get to where he thought they ought to be. And to my friend, this idea of inevitable domesticity and submission that John had romanticized was what ultimately took away her happiness. It took a lot of heart to hearts and self discovery that we worked through together that ultimately got her out of her toxic relationship, only recently, and I’ll always be proud to have been a part of her journey. 

The first and most important step that I helped my friend through was the acknowledgement of the issue.  Oftentimes, people are blinded by the idea that what's ‘not broken doesn’t need to be fixed’, which can come with complications when individuals have not experienced anything other than the toxicity that seems to be a common theme in their lives. I introduced her to some new people, new relationships that allowed her to see what was inherently wrong with her own. It took awhile, but once we broke the initial wall of tiptoeing around the unspoken issue, she felt she could open up to me more. I was able to express what I noticed about the toll her relationship was taking on her from a third party perspective. 

Once everything was out in the open, I helped my friend slowly break away from her dependence on John. Up until this point, much of her happiness depended on him, and how he was treating her at the moment - until we began to build a friendship that was deeper than it had been in so many years. Instead of depending on him for her happiness, she began to find it in places she never thought to look before. We took up boxing together. We spent a lot of time doing community service. She found activities that validated her more than he ever did. 

The final step I helped her through was emphasizing that it wasn’t her fault that she fell into these toxic relationships with her Dad and with John. I’m a big journal girl, and part of what has helped me through anything I’ve struggled with in the past is reflection through journaling. I helped my friend get into the same habit, which indirectly allowed her to look deeper into herself and come to terms with the fact that she wasn’t the problem, and that the things that had happened to her weren’t a reflection of her character. Through journaling, she was able to keep track of her achievements, manifestations, and goals. It allowed her a sense of self-empowerment, in seeing how far she had come.

To this day, I’ve come to realize that much of the self-help we manifest into our own lives is deeply rooted in changing the ways we think and act into ways that allow us to explore ourselves and our thoughts in directions we might not have otherwise opted towards. Sometimes, it takes someone else to help us see that our lives and systems are not working as they should, and help us move forward in a more positive direction. Helping my friend through this tough time was, in a way, therapeutic for me. I found happiness and self-worth in empowering her through this rough patch, and I will always remember that feeling.

[mxenigmatic]

2020’s Self Care Books for Trying Times

With Covid-19 a global pandemic that is still lingering in the air, and keeping our connections at a social distance, added how here at NYPL our librarians miss the frequent interactions with our patrons, I was contemplating on ways to keep our reading connected, our souls warm, and our health having its self care. Before google, I’d rely on the plethora of information our branches hold on any challenge in life I’d be facing. Now with a myriad of problems we can tackle, and resources we can all use to improve our lives, I wanted to tackle grounding and elevating ourselves to cope with our surroundings, than advice I can provide on financial, relationship, life goals, etc.

In this blog “2020’s Self Care Books 4 Trying Times” I’ve comprised my 20 favorite titles for the year 2020 on wellness, people’s journeys, and how health experts can help guide us to a calm and vibrant place for our wellbeing. From parenting tips, to self acceptance, coping with a mental health disorder, or even self care rituals, the need for healthy habits is a topic we all can relate and rely on to keep us striving through this winter, and being united through our current unstable climate. We should never be ashamed of our experiences, asking for help, and addressing challenges in our lives to be at peace with our pasts, content with our present, and hopeful about our futures.

What is Self-care, according to very well mind, describes a conscious act one takes in order to promote their own physical, mental, and emotional health. There are many forms self-care may take. It could be ensuring you get enough sleep every night or stepping outside for a few minutes for some fresh air.

What is mindfulness? Mindfulness refers to being in the moment. This means feeling what our bodies feel, letting ourselves think without judging our thoughts, and being aware of our environment. It is about paying attention on purpose to both what is happening inside and outside of you.

ADULT

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change by Stephen R. Covey

Topics: Professional Development, Success, Psych Evaluation

One of the most inspiring and impactful books ever written, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People has captivated readers for nearly three decades. It has transformed the lives of presidents and CEOs, educators and parents—millions of people of all ages and occupations. Now, this 30th anniversary edition of the timeless classic commemorates the wisdom of the 7 habits with modern additions from Sean Covey. The 7 habits have become famous and are integrated into everyday thinking by millions and millions of people. Why? Because they work!With Sean Covey's added takeaways on how the habits can be used in our modern age, the wisdom of the 7 habits will be refreshed for a new generation of leaders.

Stay Positive: Encouraging Quotes and Messages to Fuel Your Life With Positive Energy by Jon Gordon

Topics: Self Help, Affirmations, Optimism

Stay Positive is more than a phrase. It's an approach to life that says when you get knocked down, you'll get back up and find a way forward one faithful step and optimistic day at a time. Start your day with a message from the book, or pick it up anytime you need a mental boost. You can start from the beginning, or open the book to any page and find a message that speaks to you. The book is a go-to resource for anyone wanting to inject a healthy dose of positivity into their life

$9 Therapy: Semi-Capitalist Solutions to Your Emotional Problems by Megan Reid and Nick Greene

Topics: Life Skills/Hacks, Self Care Rituals, Budgeting

A collection of the authors' favorite life hacks and mini-upgrades, such as craft cocktails on the cheap or tips for a perfectly planned staycation. Sometimes it takes as little as nine dollars to turn your life around. How to find simple pleasures in a pricey, wellness-obsessed world.

You Were Born For This: Astrology for Radical Self-Acceptance by Chani Nicholas

Topics: Astrology, Self Acceptance

A revolutionary empowerment book that uses astrology as a tool for self-discovery, success, and self-care from the beloved astrologer Chani Nicholas, a media darling with a loyal following of one million monthly readers.

TEEN

Teaching Mindfulness to Empower Adolescents by Matthew Brensilver

Topics: Mindfulness, Educational Guides, Learning Disabilities, Reflections

Effectively sharing mindfulness with teenagers depends on distinct skill sets . . . done well, it is incredibly joyous." Matthew Brensilver, JoAnna Hardy and Oren Jay Sofer provide a powerful guide to help teachers master the essential competencies needed to successfully share mindfulness practices with teens and adolescents. Incorporating anecdotes from actual teaching, they blend the latest scientific research with innovative, original techniques for making the practices accessible and interesting to this age group. This text is an indispensable handbook for mindfulness instruction in its own right, and a robust companion volume for teachers using The Mindful Schools Curriculum for Adolescents

The Self-Love Revolution: Radical Body Positivity for Girls of Color by Virgie Tovar

Topics: Self Esteem, Plus Size Positivity, Hygiene

Every day we see body ideals depicted in movies, magazines, and social media. And, all too often, these outdated standards make us feel like we need to change how we look and who we are. The truth is that many teens feel self-conscious about their bodies and being a teen girl of color is hard in unique ways. So, how can you start feeling good about yourself when you're surrounded by these unrealistic, and problematic images of what bodies are "supposed" to look like? This book is an unapologetic guide to help you embrace radical body positivity. You'll identify and challenge mainstream beliefs about beauty and bodies; celebrate what makes you unique and powerful; and build real, lasting body empowerment. You'll also learn how to spot diet culture and smash your noisy inner critic so you can start loving your body. It's time to create your own definition of beautiful and recognize that your body is amazing. It's time for a self-love revolution!

Out!: How To Be Your Authentic Self by Miles McKenna

Topics: Coming Out, Self Acceptance, Family Dynamics

Activist Miles McKenna came out on his YouTube channel in 2017, documenting his transition to help other teens navigate their identities and take charge of their own coming out stories. From that wisdom comes Out!, the ultimate YA guide to the queer lifestyle. Find validation, inspiration, and support for your questions big and small--whether you're exploring your identity or seeking to understand the experience of an awesome queer person in your life."

Dancing at the Pity Party: A Dead Mom Graphic Memoir by Tyler Feder

Topics: Grief Counseling, Coping with terminal illness, Bereavement. Family Estrangement

Tyler Feder shares her story of her mother's first oncology appointment to facing reality as a motherless daughter in this frank and refreshingly funny graphic memoir.

Superpowered: Transform Anxiety Into Courage, Confidence, and Resilience by Renee Jain and Dr. Shefali Tsabary

Topics: Health, Fitness, Selt Esteem.

The perfect tool for children facing new social and emotional challenges in an increasingly disconnected world! This how-to book from two psychology experts—packed with fun graphics and quizzes—will help kids transform stress, worry, and anxiety

Teen Guide to Mental Health by Don Nardo

Topics: Teens, Mental Health, Body Image, Puberty

Todays teens face and are expected to deal with a wide array of personal, social, and other issues involving home-life, school, dating, body image, sexual orientation, major life transitions, and in some cases physical and mental problems, including eating disorders and depression. This volume examines how many teens have learned to cope with and survive these often stressful trials and tribulations of modern youth.

KIDS

Turtle Boy by Evan Wolkenstein

Topics: Social Life, Friends, Relationships, School Stress

Seventh grade is not going well for Will Levine. Kids at school bully him because of his funny-looking chin. His science teacher finds out about the turtles he spent his summer collecting from the marsh behind school an orders him to release them back into the wild. And for his Bar Mitzvah community service project, he has to go to the hospital to visit RJ, an older boy struggling with an incurable disease. Unfortunately, Will hates hospitals. At first, the boys don't get along, but then RJ shares his bucket list with Will. Among the things he wants to do: ride a roller coaster, go to a concert and a school dance, swim in the ocean. To Will, happiness is hanging out in his room, alone, preferably with his turtles. But as RJ's disease worsens, Will realizes he needs to tackle the bucket list on his new friend's behalf before it's too late. It seems like an impossible mission, way outside Will's comfort zone. But as he completes each task with RJ's guidance, Will learns that life is too short to live in a shell.

How To Make A Better World: For Every Kid Who Wants To Make A Difference by Keilly Swift

Topics: Activism, Human Rights, Organizing

If you are a kid with big dreams and a passion for what is right, you're a world-changer in the making. There's a lot that can be changed by just one person, if you know what to do. Start by making yourself into the awesome person you want to be by learning all about self-care and kindness. Using those skills, work your way up to creating activist campaigns to tackle climate change or social injustice. This fun and inspiring guide to making the world a better place and becoming a good citizen is packed with ideas and tips for kids who want to know how to make a difference. From ideas as small as creating a neighborhood lending library to important ideas such as public speaking and how to talk about politics, How to Make a Better World is a practical guide to activism for awesome kids.

All About Anxiety by Carrie Lewis

Anxiety. It's an emotion that rears its head almost every day, from the normal worries and concerns that most of us experience, to outright fear when something scary happens, to the anxiety disorders, that many kids live with daily. But what causes anxiety? And what can we do about it? All About Anxiety tackles these questions from every possible angle. Readers will learn what's going on in their brain and central nervous system when they feel anxious. They'll learn about the evolutionary reasons for fear and anxiety and that anxiety isn't always a bad thing--except for when it is! Most importantly, kids will discover new strategies to manage their anxiety so they can live and thrive with anxiety

Dictionary for a better world: poems, quotes, and anecdotes from A to Z by Irene Latham

Topics: Inspiration, Self Help, Advice

Organized as a dictionary, entries in this book for middle-grade readers present words related to creating a better, more inclusive world. Each word is explored via a poem, a quote from an inspiring person, and a short personal anecdote from one of the co-authors, a prompt for how to translate the word into action, and an illustration".

I feel... meh by DJ Corchin

(E-book)Topics: Health, Fitness, Management

This series helps kids recognize, express, and deal with the roller coaster of emotions they feel every day. It has been celebrated by therapists, psychologists, teachers, and parents as wonderful tools to help children develop self-awareness for their feelings and those of their friends. Sometimes I feel meh and I don't want to play. I don't want to read and I have nothing to say. Sometimes you just feel...meh. You don't really feel like doing anything or talking to anyone. You're not even sure how you're feeling inside. Is that bad? With fun, witty illustrations and simple, straightforward text, I Feel...Meh tackles apathy—recognizing it as a valid emotion, while also offering practical steps to get you out of your emotional slump. It's the perfect way for kids—and adults—who are feeling gray to find some joy again!

Violet Shrink by Christine Baldacchino

Topics: Phobias, Relationships, Social Skills

Violet Shrink doesn't like parties. Or bashes, or gatherings. Lots of people and lots of noise make Violet's tummy ache and her hands sweat. She would much rather spend time on her own, watching the birds in her backyard, reading comics, or listening to music through her purple headphones. The problem is that the whole Shrink family loves parties with loud music and games and dancing. At cousin Char's birthday party, Violet hides under a table and imagines she is a shark gliding effortlessly through the water, looking for food. And at Auntie Marlene and Uncle Leli's anniversary bash, Violet sits alone at the top of the stairs, imagining she is a slithering snake way up in the branches. When Violet learns that the Shrink family reunion is fast approaching, she musters up the courage to have a talk with her dad. In this thoughtful story about understanding and acceptance, Violet's natural introversion and feelings of social anxiety are normalized when she and her father reach a solution together. Christine Baldacchino's warm text demonstrates the role imagination often plays for children dealing with anxiety, and the power of a child expressing their feelings to a parent who is there to listen. Carmen Mok's charming illustrations perfectly capture Violet's emotions and the vibrancy of her imagination. A valuable contribution to books addressing mental health."-- Provided by publisher.

Check out this link to a presentation by NYPL’s Children’s Librarians, Sarah West and Justine Toussaint on Mindfulness/Social-Emotional Self-Esteem Picture Book Spotlight. Featuring popular book titles in our database of the past few years promoting kids well beings!

Pre-2020 Books

Aphorism by Franz Kafka

Topics: Life Quotes, Recovery, Future Planning

For the first time, a single volume that collects all of the aphorisms penned by this universally acclaimed twentieth-century literary figure. Kafka twice wrote aphorisms in his lifetime. The first effort was a series of 109, known as the Zurau Aphorisms, which were written between September 1917 and April 1918, and originally published posthumously by his friend, Max Brod, in 1931. These aphorisms reflect on metaphysical and theological issues--as well as the occasional dog. The second sequence of aphorisms, numbering 41, appears in Kafka's 1920 diary dating from January 6 to February 29. It is in these aphorisms, whose subject is "He," where Kafka distills the unexpected nature of experience as one shaped by exigency and possibility."

This Book Loves You by PewDiePie

Topics: Life Skills, Inspiration, Food 4 Thought

A popular blogger shares humorous pieces of advice and positivity, including "Never forget you are beautiful compared to a fish" and "Every day is a new fresh start to stay in bed."

The Subtle Art Of Not Giving A Fuck: A Counterintuitive Approach To Living A Good Life by Mark Manson

Topic: Self Help, Happiness, Motivation

In this generation-defining self-help guide, a superstar blogger shows us that the key to being happier is to stop trying to be 'positive' all the time and instead become better at handling adversity. For decades we've been told that positive thinking is the key to a happy, rich life. But those days are over. 'Fuck positivity, ' Mark Manson says. 'Let's be honest; sometimes things are fucked up and we have to live with it.' For the past few years, Manson--via his wildly popular blog--has been working on correcting our delusional expectations for ourselves and for the world. He now brings his hard-fought wisdom to this groundbreaking book. Manson makes the argument--backed both by academic research and well-timed poop jokes--that improving our lives hinges not on our ability to turn lemons into lemonade, but on learning to better stomach lemons. Human beings are flawed and limited--as he writes, 'Not everybody can be extraordinary, there are winners and losers in society, and some of it is not fair or your fault.' Manson advises us to get to know our limitations and accept them. This, he says, is the real source of empowerment. Once we embrace our fears, faults, and uncertainties--once we stop running from and avoiding, and start confronting painful truths--we can begin to find the courage and confidence we desperately seek. 'In life, we have a limited amount of fucks to give. So you must choose your fucks wisely.' Manson brings a much-needed grab-you-by-the-shoulders moment of real-talk, filled with entertaining stories and profane, ruthless humor. This manifesto is a refreshing slap in the face for all of us so we can start to lead more contented, grounded lives."

Zen Pencils: Cartoon Quotes From Inspirational Folks by Gavin Aung Than

Topics: Writing Development, Expression, Quotes

Gavin Aung Than, an Australian graphic designer turned cartoonist, started the weekly Zen Pencils blog in February 2012. He describes his motivation for launching Zen Pencils: I was working in the boring corporate graphic design industry for eight years before finally quitting at the end of 2011 to pursue my passion for illustration and cartooning. At my old job, when my boss wasn't looking, I would waste time reading Wikipedia pages, main biographies about people whose lives were a lot more interesting than mine. Their stories and quotes eventually inspired me to leave my job to focus on what I really wanted to do. The idea of taking these inspiring quotes, combining them with my love of drawing, and sharing them with others led to the creation of Zen Pencils.

By: @Mx.Enigma

She/They/Queen

[artificialqueens]

learning to be silent (multi) — chapter two - Roza

[ summary ] : the grand prix qualifications are building splendidly even if it means a self discovery for some and nothing but piling towers of stress despite that, new bonds seem to happen every day when you're a professional figure skater.

[ author's note ] : this au has been a real fun one to write, as always, I enjoy introducing new characters when I can, next chapter will probably (definitely lmao) be huge since it'll be the short program and all that jazz, hope y'all enjoy xx — lily.

AO3 / My Tumblr / (◍•ᴗ•◍)✧*。

— ✧*。

Alaska hadn't intended to spend her last day in the states for a week helping Trinity and Detox pack for France, though it was an excuse to ignore everything that was building up on her plate for Moscow, they all had reserved their own row on the plane to Paris, now it was just a matter of time and driving before they would be supporting their teammates in their journeys to the Grand Prix, stacking their points. Every step was one more day closer to Olympic qualifications in January.

"Jesus, how many suitcases do we need? We're only there for a week and not even skating at the event!" Trinity called out as she scrambled through Detox's closet, wearing her oversized jacket from Skate America, Alaska sitting on her best friend's bed, spread out and staring at her phone, unable to breathe at the moment, everything was beginning to crumble and she promised Sharon to not tell anyone but it was reaching a breaking point.

"Just get one big one and we'll have two bags, Alaska is coming to don't forget we have three people in the equation!" Detox yelled back before stepping into the room with an unopened bottle of sparkling wine, Trinity clapping at the sight of alcohol as she skipped over to her girlfriend who brushed their lips together, her hands brushing through her blonde hair though she pulled away cackling hearing Alaska's blantant sickness noises, wanting to throw up at the sight of her best friend since she started skating and Trinity trying to get it down in front of her.

Detox fixed her hair and huffed, blowing the small strands out of her face before she handed the bottle to Alaska who was an aficionado at opening caps with her long acrylics, "To Aquaria, Shea and Adore! Let's hope the best for all of them." She toasted simply, Trinity nodding, "I'll drink to that, Grand Prix here our girls come! Olympics ain't ready honey." The Floridian raised the bottle once Alaska got it to pop open with a small flick of her nails.

Rotating the bottle around one by one, Alaska took a long and hard swig, causing Detox to widen her eyes and take away the bottle, the older skater groaned. "Oh c'mon you're not my fucking mom." She snagged it once more before finally putting it down in front of Trinity who adjusted the sleeves of Detox's jacket.

"What's wrong? I know you too damn well, fess up." Detox's tone one of concern as well as aggression, she could tell when Alaska was in her tantrum stages. Trinity sat uncomfortably, not knowing if she should be involved in the conversation invade it took an extremely personal turn.

"Nothing, I'm fine, just had a bit of a fight today with Sharon is all."

Trinity moved towards the door, knowing that Detox and Alaska had their own code of when they wanted to be alone. "I'm gonna go and get some food, I'll leave y'all be." The skater shut the door gently even at the dismay of Detox who's eyes focused on Alaska whose eyelids drooped after putting the half empty bottle on Detox's cabinet shelf right near her bed.

"What the hell happened?"

"Girl, we're packing, let's not do this now, please." The affirmative tone in her voice telling Detox to back off and focus on what she was currently doing, though Alaska's head was definitely elsewhere, a minute later as they folded up another dress the blonde finally broke down in tears, at first letting the sniffling come and playing it off as allergies or some bullshit like that.

"I'm retiring, I'm fucking retiring at the end of this season, I can't take all the stress and pain any longer and seeing Aquaria and all the new seniors do so good out a real fucking gap in my confidence, I give up!"

"Alaska..."

"No! Don't fucking tell me I'm overreacting and don't tell me that's how the skating world is now, I know that and I can't take it anymore."

Detox dropped her skates on her bed before sighing aloud, knowing there was no use in even attempting to knock sense into or out of Alaska during her breakdowns, she just needed support: not as if the decision was something people liked to hear, to make.

Opening her arms Alaska looked up and immediately jumped into them, Detox tightening the grip around her shoulders, patting her back as she sobbed all over her jacket with no remorse, she could always wash it later. Fighting back tears she spoke up, not ever wanting to hear the fact Alaska, her best friend since they started skating, was retiring: "Are you really sure, I'm not gonna push it but are you atleast gonna try for your last Olympics?"

Alaska took home bronze in her first Olympics, a truly incredible feat, she proved to everyone even back then that as long as you had passion, drive, charisma and raw talent you could win a medal no matter if you were skating to Vivaldi or Bon Jovi, which she did.

"Of course I am you shady bitch, gotta knock you off somehow."

Detox couldn't help but completely lose it on her lap, slapping her on the stomach before letting her head rest, "What am I gonna possibly even do without you? Truthfully, who else will drink three entire bottles of Gatorade and almost piss on the ice—" Alaska yelled, her cheeks becoming hot remembering the indescribable amount of embarrassment she felt during her warm up skate of World's back in 2017.

"What does Sharon think?"

It shouldn't have made Alaska's lips twist when her name was mentioned, she knew it was coming since Sharon was her coach and her worst kept secret after all. A muscle in her jaw seemed to twitch as she spoke, "She wasn't very happy to say the least but my career, promised her I'd of course try for the Olympics."

* * *

"I'm retiring."

Alaska whispered the words she honestly hoped would never have to come out of her own mouth, when she was still young, not as young as the rest but she still had a good amount of years left for herself.

Her tears falling down her cheeks one after another, trying to speak but not letting any words come out before Sharon's fingertips brushed her eyes, wiping them in utter confusion, "What do you— what do you mean you're retiring?" Lifting her face with her hands, being sure to make direct eye contact with the blonde who was in the middle of either a mental breakthrough or breakdown.

"I can't do this anymore, I can't compete with all the new seniors, I'm reaching my breaking point and you being my coach has been both the greatest and worst experience I've had in this sport."

She didn't respond, a bit offended by the poor choice of words however. "Worst? Fucking jesus, I know I retired earlier than expected but I wanted to coach, especially since Aquaria was getting older, I wanted to care for her and look out for you!" She snarled out of anger, a flush creeping out on her face once she noticed Alaska so generously hanging onto her every word by a thread.

"Sharon, I'm just losing touch and I know you're supposed to be my coach. I know you're hard on me because it's your job and because we've been together since we were teenagers but anytime you and I sit in that kiss and cry and you stare at me blankly, your eyes look so disappointed and want to scream!"

"I'm never, ever disappointed in you."

Alaska winced at the unexpected rough diction in Sharon's voice, she never looked so terrifying and serious in her entire life. Granted she had known the blonde for only god knows how long and had seen every little piece of the puzzle to her, expecting all the unexpected.

"I love you Sharon, I love you dammit and I thought about it for weeks, this isn't a personal vendetta, you know how this sport pays my bills and keeps me alive but I want to retire and just help you with the girls and finally settle down with you like I always wanted."

Sharon's face contorted, unable to express whether she was honored that Alaska was for once, being so serious about their relationship, whatever that was— or, completely saddened by her will to just throw away her entire life and success to just be another coach, she had so much untapped potential even if she was a bit older than the average girl's nowadays.

"You're so talented and have so much to give, you're not even the oldest American competiting, remember how Chad retired when he was 39? I mean, he wasn't even pushing it either." It was true that she skated a while, still even did tours time to time, she had completely pioneered the skating world as did her students which of course, had Sharon in the line up.

"I just don't want you to do this purely for me or because you're feeling stressed, because that's the reality of the sport." She took Alaska's hand in her own, squeezing firmly as her words left with baited breath, "I will never force you to keep skating but as your coach, I'd be so fucking upset if you did."

Her lips pressed a kiss to Alaska's ring finger, "I'll always be here and be ready, skating won't." A hand crept to Sharon's cheek as the younger blonde smiled gently, feeling a genuine stir in her emotions, her heart beating twice as fast whenever Sharon kissed her.

"I know but, I think it's my time to be able to relax after all these years, I can always be an annoying commentator." She grinned, lightening the mood as her ears heard Sharon whisper a faint, "I love you." under her breath before laughing at her out of time response, pressing their lips together and caressing her face.

"If you promise to be at the Olympics, I can maybe say aloud that I'll handle this better."

"Of course I'm gonna try to qualify dumb bitch! You really think I'd just give up after finally getting allowed to do an Arrowsmith song for my routine? In an all black and grey costume? I promise you I'm gonna kill that shit."

* * *

"So, if I may add an interlude..." Her words spiraling back to her usual extended holds, "What's the deal with you and Miss Taylor, I know clearly you guys are comfortable outside of the rink but, is it actually official?"

Detox pondered her words a bit, not exactly knowing how to respond.

Her and Trinity in the rink had always been buddy-buddy with eachother starting three years ago, Trinity had trained with Agnes (who they all called Peppermint since their junior skating years) a while before making the move into Sharon and Chad's training camps, she fit in almost instantaneously and caught the attention of Detox as fast as she did Chad who saw endless supply of potential when it came to her style of skating.

Alaska coughed obnxiously, signaling she overthinking far too much. But what was she really supposed to say especially with Alaska, who she adored with her entire soul and heart and always would, who everyone knew was just about the biggest tease and the quickest to break secrets when simply asked, you didn't even have to coddle her for them.

"She's very beautiful and talented, has a great personality and we're just both seeing where we're going, we kiss here and there but mostly it's just in an awkwardly endearing phase, we don't know exactly what we want either."

"So basically you're finally into a girl and just checking out from fear and delusion that she doesn't like you back even though all she does is steal your jackets and excitedly smile whenever you come into the room. Match made in heaven if you ask me."

They toyed with eachother's hair and hands before Detox threw a pillow at her face, "C'mon, we have to be at the airport tomorrow and if you don't wake up I'm just gonna leave without your sorry ass."

*.✧

"We're here!" Yelled Adore in the back of the large car, her legs sparwled onto Bianca's lap, the coach dazing in and out of sleep having been wide awake during the plane ride there, she had never been so sober in her entire damn life even when she was still a competitive skater.

"We are and thank god for that, I was about to fall asleep in this fucking rental." Bianca spoke up with genuine honesty, a yawn leaving her lips before she stepped out the car, reaching out her hands so that Adore could easily jump from the car.

"Hallelujah for that." Bob grumbled under her breath before taking her carry on from the back of the van as Shea wondered off into the hotel, that was conveniently placed beside the convention center and arena where they would skate and then have their Gala afterwards, the best part besides winning gold and racking up points for the Grand Prix.

Shea hadn't had a clue of what time it exactly was, far too lazy to even pick her phone from her pocket as she stumbled through the doorway and took in the sight: being in Europe wasn't new, she had traveled many times for competitions but she had yet to truly be in France for a Grand Prix assignment, the years she had been a senior she either was in China, Japan or Canada— it would be her first time truly getting some time, even if her focus was to win a medal, to beat her fellow competitors, she never turned down a good few hours of walking through a new city, buying overly expensive touristy souvenirs and she always promised herself to buy some kind of local chocolate, she could restrain herself pretty well for diets and competition days but otherwise she definitely wasn't one to turn down a bar of chocolate.

Hearing the usual cooperation banter didn't phase her much, she knew people had a job to do but a familiar face caught her eye almost immediately, that distinct face shape and sweet smile. Thick blonde curls hiding her steel blue-grey eyes, sported of course in the Russian national team jacket, this had to be Sasha.

The Sasha Velour.

Her heart was racing at a million miles an hour, all the affirmative respect and distinguishing of titles made it seem like she was old when she was indeed a year younger than Shea in the first place, it was more meant as a title with sentimental value. She was beautiful as always and had a great reputation to uphold and did so with honesty and a tolerant mindset, two things the Russian figure skating association was exactly known for, despite how dirty of a sterotype that sounded.

The American waited patiently as she seemed to be sorting some issues with her keycard, requesting she be given another one. The conversation tuned out in Shea's mind until she felt a brushing and gentle hand against her shoulders and a wide smile from Sasha, the touch making the girl jump, completely frazzled. "Oh I'm so sorry!" She whimpered, unknowingly holding her hands to make sure they weren't shaking, "I'm so sorry."

"Oh c'mon it's okay girl." She immediately bit her tongue, this wasn't Adore or Trinity whom she was causal with, she had nothing but respect for Sasha and felt nothing but maddening anxiety in their one minute interaction, of course they had seen eachother before when competiting but not as if they had time to converse during or after the matter. "I mean Sasha, shit, I'm so sorry."

"Why are you apologizing? I'm perfectly fine with what you said, I know I'm supposed to be a bit more rough and tough since I'm Russian and all but, I promise you I'm not as bad as everyone else." A subtle wink leaving the corner of her eyelids as she placed a hand on her hip, "It's really wonderful to finally meet you."

Shea didn't want to say she had completely felt her face get hot, red and her entire body froze when she spoke to her but that was exactly what was happening and it was driving her insane, she practically kicked herself for being such a fool. "It's so great to meet you to! You're so talented and so gorgeous and I've never felt more pressure to skate beside someone."

"Please, you are far too sweet for your own good."

A smile lit up her face as Sasha chuckled in response to her growing confidence, "What are you smiling for? It's completely true, I saw your routine at the American national's and almost had a nervous breakdown knowing I have to compete against you and your friend, Aquaria, it is an honor to meet Sharon's daughter? I believe she is..." The sentence trailing before Shea shook her head before also nodding the more she thought about it, "Well she is but not by birth."

"And that's okay, family isn't always blood, it's about the people you choose in your life to be a part of you."

That was either extraordinary deep or Shea was far too smitten with finally speaking with her skating crush of years, this was the moment she had been craving.

"You are absolutely correct, have you met any of the other girls yet? I can always introduce you to my squad of course." Sasha clapped her hands together, slinging a backpack over her back that was a light baby blue, most likely where she housed her skates. "I would love to but I'm going to go and get some private time, come with me!" She mumbled under her breath as they held eachother's wrists.

Shea instantly nodded, not even thinking of the girls, "If you're okay with it." Sasha rolled her eyes, texting someone quickly on her phone before sliding it into the back pocket of her leggings, "Of course I am, my coach doesn't define my life, I already told her I'm gonna be going out to find a rink anyway so, Shea Couleé..." The name rolled right off her tongue in a way that made the older girl completely melt into her hands as she interlocked elbows, "Let's go!"

It would seem odd for two girls of rival countries to just wonder off in the time of sunset, going to the definitely empty ice rink nearby the arena, together as if they were teammates and didn't just formally introduce themselves.

They had barely wandered out of the building when Adore recieved a text telling her to not snitch if Bob asked where she was, explaining best she could in the time she had allotted trying to walk and talk with Sasha that she was going to go and skate, she had taken her bag with her anyway. Shea telling Sasha she needed a quick minute to tell her friend where she would be at.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀Adore Delano 🍕

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀—

Don't snitch on me bitch, I'm going off somewhere near the hotel, I really wanna practice.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀Do you actually or is someone catching your attention? 👀

If I said it was Sasha Velour would it make you back off lol

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀Sasha?! The fucking russian girl who's won literally every damn 🏅???

Yup and she's way prettier in person...

⠀���⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀Oh Jesus, I won't snitch tho! I'm a good friend like that bitch <3

—

"You coming?" Sasha's irresistible smile spearing her straight into the heart. Not as if she would say no to her newfound friend and fellow skater, how could she ever even refuse the chance to spend some alone time with the Sasha Velour, her curls bouncing off her face.

"Absolutely."

*.✧

Sharon wasn't sure what to expect when warm-up training had begun taking shape the day before their first day, the short program for ladies beginning tomorrow though they did have a chance to cheer for the American ice dancers who were performing their short program's yesterday, happy to see that they still had it: scoring a silver medal and having two more teams in the top five.

After the medal ceremony, Aquaria decided to stay with Shea in their hotel room, taking the night off in the comfort of their bed's and the giant flat screen, ordering whatever food they wanted and could find off the hotel service menu.

"Aquaria, you're under rotating that quad again, you know how harsh they're going to be on you now, look at these mistakes and fix them." The words leaving her lips gently, fixing her hair as Aquaria took it all in with a nod, adjusting her jacket's zipper before she hummed, skating off. It was difficult to process all the cameras, she had been photographed and interviewed of course but most people focused on the senior level, it wasn't as if junior competitions were sold out and had photographers everywhere, this was going to be an entire different environment even if she grew up with media in her face already.

"Well, well!" A voice spoke from her behind her, Sharon's entire body running completely cold. It didn't matter what her profession was or how old she was, she could recognize certain voices anywhere she went, she turned on her sneakers, not feeling a need to wear heel's in a damn ice rink.

"Of course it's you..." She grumbled knowing that the utter disappointment in her voice was completely visible though she played on with a fake smile, giving a quaint and polite handshake and kiss of the cheek to Phi Phi, who looked fantastic, the fake tanning did her horrible and Sharon was beyond happy she had stopped a few years ago, and seemed to be comfortably warm in her large knitted white sweater.

"How are you?" She asked, her hands in her pockets, acting sweet for the camera's, it wasn't right to fight like cats and dogs when there was media and their skaters were just attempting to focus. Besides, what had happened when they were competitors was simply past them at this point atleast to Sharon who almost never lost a single medal to Phi Phi, there was definitely some resentment from the latter.

They hadn't always fought, in fact they had gotten along splendidly when they first met at World Championship's almost twelve years ago, neither of them medaled though Sharon had come close with her fourth place accomplishment but it was difficult to compete when Bianca, Morgan and Jinkx were still knocking everyone out of place, seasoned skaters already.

Phi Phi had been her training partner when she decided to stay a year with their old coach, she represented Philippines, which she explained was a huge deal to her, being the first women and the second to ever skate for the southeast asian country. Her temperament was always an issue with her, coach having to repeat stuff and talk over her yelling, that would also be projected into Sharon when she lashed out, claiming she only scored higher on her components because she had the ideal skater body and aesthetic attributed to the sport.

"Oh I'm wonderful, just here to see how my skater does, the usual." It wasn't much until the words faded and she had to ask about Aquaria, Sharon's eyes glimmering with absolute love towards her adopted daughter, "She's fantastic, has a quad and everything, they're definitely way more expecting of them compared to us even Alaska complains with all the new elements they keep adding, I think we retired at a good space." She joked though Phi Phi didn't laugh, she only nodded.

"And Alaska? She still with her boyfriend? I know she's skating with you now, wonder if you still liked her after all these years."

Sharon wanted to shoot herself for even bringing her up, she knew it would immediately cause tension in her body and make her confess more than she wanted: honesty was the best policy even if it was a bitch and it had to be said in front of one of the people she disliked most.

"She's not, she lives with me now."

The pursed expression across Phi Phi's lips was enough to signal she already knew the answer, she just wanted to hear it said aloud. "I had a feeling you two would always end up together, I mean for god's sakes, as if that wasn't fucking obvious." Her fingertips brushed her sweater under her pants, adjusting the laces of her shoes, "She's getting older to, she's only a few years younger, this her last season you think?"

"Phi Phi, Stop."

"Sharon please, I'm asking simple questions, you getting defensive about your girlfriend isn't going to help either of us at this qualification."

Her body swayed, their eye contact setting flames ablaze again in old rivarly, it had been years since they last physically saw eachother, every other time they stayed away or kept it formal and only found out news from Social Media, as most did.

"Just cause you're training your daughter—" her fingers putting air quotes around the word which only made Sharon want to absolutely break her knee with a piece of metal, Harding style. "Doesn't mean she's any good at a senior level or as good as her coach, she's now with competition unlike before, she has a lot to learn like they all do."

"I know that, she's been training hard and I believe in her, of course she has competition, it wouldn't be a Grand Prix if she didn't."

"Well, we will see how she does, I hope she has a good experience though!" The doubt of Aquaria winning shining in her reply, the snicker hidden deep in her throat waiting to come out lodging before she gently coughed and adjusted her posture, "Good luck, genuinely."

"Good luck to you to."

Can't wait to see the look on your face when Aquaria fucking pummels your skaters score into the ground.