#let alone the experiences of people who live there now who are experiencing poverty and gentrification and neocolonialism by the US

[glittertimes]

Everyone thinks I’m just this little nice girl like my ancestors aren’t from Mexico City!?

[furiousgoldfish]

Starting to see that it's actually very normal for the abused kids to get themselves in sort of, bad situations in real life, and then just slowly progress to less-bad, and less-bad, until it gets to a place where we feel comfortable, or at least we're able to hold on without having a crisis.

This doesn't happen because as an abused kid, you're now doomed or attract toxic people, those are just myths. It is true that we will easily tie several bad things that have happened to us together, and decide that it's a proof that things will always be bad for us, and that isn't true either, bad things actually do happen to everyone. With us, it just hits worse, feels worse, triggers us and forces us to re-live everything else bad that has happened, and creates more ominous symbolism. We're also unlikely to receive comfort, so we're always in our bad situations alone and feel abandoned. That is enough to make anyone despair.

But there is a timeline with a fairly slow progression from 'abuse' to 'less abuse' to 'healthier environment'. I don't think I know any cases where a person went from abuse to 'safe and loved for eternity', and it has to do with how we view the world, and how everything we learn is relative to each other.

For instance, after running away from abusive parents, I spent a long time being just extremely grateful that I'm not in physical danger anymore, and that nobody is yelling at me. There were several injustices happening to me, I was financially exploited despite being in severe poverty, I accidentally associated myself with people who exploited my labour and did some extremely sick things to me, but how would I notice? I was busy feeling grateful for not being assaulted. You can't tell someone who just got out of hell 'hey, this is bad too, actually', because what they're seeing is 'this is so much better than hell, this is the best situation I've ever been in, I'm so grateful this isn't worse, this level of injustice is nothing.'

But, to a person who hasn't experienced severe abuse or injustice, it wouldn't be 'nothing', it would be stuff worth calling the police over.

We just can't see it because, relatively to our life, this is the best we ever experienced, and whatever bad things are happening, are usually detected as 'minor' and ignorable'. This is likely to get us into several bad situations, but it's also inevitable, we can't quickly jump from abuse to healthy. It takes some layers of bad for us to notice that we could actually, do better. Sometimes the bad situations turn into worse, and then we realize it's actually bad and triggering, and we get out. Sometimes, bad people go away all on their own, and we realize then, that we're happier.

The good news is, that after getting away from the worst of the abuse, we often will feel like 'this is the most freedom I ever had, this is the best I was ever treated, this is the most love I've ever gotten, I'm so grateful this is better than before', and that is a good thing to experience. Bad thing about it is that often sometimes later, we will go 'oh. that actually was bad and I couldn't tell.' but the point is, you're smarter now, and you'll realize it next time, and slowly you'll always keep going toward better and better life situations.

I'm writing this to let you know it happens to everyone else too. We all go thru some level of additional messes and we don't see them as messes, we only realize it in retrospect. So don't blame yourself if you don't know how exactly to put yourself in a good situation after you've experienced so few of them! It might be a rocky road, but it won't feel like one, not until you look back. You're always moving forward, and every single thing you didn't realize at the time, that it was bad, is generally how we all move forward and learn about these things. You can't know it all at once.

[denishamichelle]

Mercury Retrograde Reflections

I want to be the fun mom again.

This is the shit Mercury Retrograde has me reflecting on. Some where in between having 3 children life got real freaking serious, as expected. But I don't think I could ever anticipate just how real things could or would get.

I had a vision for my life. I had a vision for my life with my kids fathers. Yea, all three of em' got different daddies. Judge me, please lol. Point is, things changed, therefore the vision changed. And when the vision changed, the plan changed. And when the plan changed, the steps to achieve the plan changed.

All of sudden everything that I had given to one child for 9 years became me figuring out how to give it to two and three children, plus the children of my lovers, very quickly. I think it goes without saying I have been stretched. Not just me though, me and every mother or father who has multiple children and/or blended families. Especially, those close in age.

I look back and I'm thankful that it was just my oldest and I for 9 years, before she had to share me. Angel was a very happy and secure child during early childhood (conception/birth to age 8.) I believe her having somewhat (I say somewhat because I've always worked a lot) of my undivided attention had a major impact on her childhood. Angel also had a lot more support from my friends and family and was always showered with love.

She is now 13, but is what I consider a young adult. Our circumstance has caused me to rely on her for help with her siblings. As I watched my two youngest play yesterday, I was convicted in my spirit from taking that away from her. Her life got real serious, real quick too.

Angel is a certified babysitter through the American RedCross. I pay her as a contractor under my business to babysit her siblings. I am adamant about preparing my kids for life in a very practical way. I'm also building generational wealth and plan to teach my children and employ. Angel will have a nice resume by the time she wants to go out and pursue her passions. I am my children's first teacher, and I stand on that. But I don't want Angel to resent me for me needing her.

The effects of having more children has had a major impact on Angel as well. Her father, who she is now building a relationship with, was more absent that present for the first 13 years of her life. This has also had a major impact on her. Angel has experienced family violence as well. Research says she is more likely to experience family violence, because I did, and this is how the cycle continues if we let it.

I say all that to say that for the past five years my life has been a revolving door of survival. Surviving labor and delivery as a black woman feels like an accomplishment by itself, let alone motherhood. Surviving poverty. Surviving domestic and sexual violence. Surviving substance abuse. Surviving death of loved ones. Surviving being a woman. Surviving the system. Surviving failed relationships. Surviving abandonment. Surviving and more fucking surviving.

Yea... looking back, I got a little cold. I got a little harsh. I got a little traumatized lmao. I know it not funny, but I really have to laugh because its the truth and I survived it. It sounds like an episode of Law and Order: SVU. But why is it so many of our lives?

The truth is, "the system" is not set up for people like me to survive AND thrive. It is set up for us to perpetuate a cycle of being abused and being the abuser. It is set up for oppression. Oppression of the mind, body and spirit. Only when one seeks knowledge on their own accord do they really break free from this "system".

That's why I laugh. Because people like me, do the unexpected. We survive all the shit society throws at us, expecting us not to overcome. Yea, we come out with some scars, but we also become masters of transmutation. Transmutation, simply put, is taking one energy and transforming it to another by way of a medium.

The abused is now being used... by the Most High, God, Source, Allah, Universal life force, or whatever you subscribe to. We are speaking, writing, performing, educating, inventing and creating in a number of areas. We are passionate, because we have lived it.

We are busy and we are focused.

Not a bad place to be, but I want to be the fun mom again. And so, doing all of this transmuting and what not requires a lot of energy. It is especially hard for single-parent households.

I am at a place where, the more I pursue higher education, the more I learn about what the research says about OUR people. Exactly what I described is the face of MANY black and brown families, except many of them are not fortunate enough to pursue higher education. There is a deficit in our learning because of the traumatic experiences we have endured as a people. These experiences have shaped our view of the world. We have survived so long, its hard for some of us to imagine what life looks like when your thriving.

For me, thriving means I can have fun with my children again. It means laughing more than crying. It means asking for help from their fathers. It means being forgiving, but not being naive to wrong doings. I have been in protection mode, because one thing I'm not about to play with anybody about, is my kids. They didn't ask to be here. I willingly brought all three of them into the world and wouldn't change a thing. Outside of God, they are my life line. All I felt I had worth living for at many times. So yea, shit got serious. But as we all grow into different versions of ourselves, This version of me is releasing the part of me that says I have to have my kids with me 24/8 in order to be a good mom or for them to have the best outcomes. In fact, research says otherwise. Children who come from two parent households or single-father households have better outcomes.

This is why we need fathers to take back their rightful place as fathers, as protectors, as educators, as caretakers, etc. Black and brown fathers are needed. Not by the women, by the children! Women continue to break barriers and prove that we can survive these experiences, but our children experience the greatest effects of the stress single-motherhood brings.

With love, I am challenging mothers who are survivors to release control, trust the creator and allow the father of your children and/or who ever wants to support you to do so. If the father is active, stable and can provide a safe environment for your child (heavy on the safety), then don't be afraid to ask for shared responsibility despite what society has taught us. Men are just as capable or child-rearing as women. And if its the opposite, apply it as it fits.

Children benefit from being raised by people with varying views of the world. It is a village concept. Fathers, I challenge you to be more active and consistent in your children's lives, if you are not already. Notice, I didn't say financially stable. Although necessary, finances can be built over time. However, you can not get time back with your children. They will only be small once. And you are needed.

I believe now more than ever, black and brown families need to understand that our children are the future. They are also our first assignment. Take time to slow down and be present in raising your kids. Consider their needs, and what is in the best interest of all parties involved.

with love,

Denisha

[cosmicjoke]

Ah, and now onto one of the most depressing chapters in all of SnK, chapter 132.

You know, if anyone ever needed a reason to despise Floch any more, how about the fact that he’s literally the reason Hange died?  If this bitch ass ho hadn’t shot the fuel tank of the plane full of holes, Hange wouldn’t have had to engage with the Titans to buy time for them to fix it, and they wouldn’t have died.  So, fuck you Floch.  I wish you’d suffered more before Mikasa finally ended your ass.

Well, anyway, what can I say about this chapter that hasn’t already been discussed?  Probably nothing, but I’ll try my best to give my observations anyway.

This really is Hange’s chapter, and Levi’s, in terms of putting a spot light on the importance of their relationship to one another.  

Hange’s sacrifice in this chapter is heartbreaking, it truly is, and such a major blow to everyone.  But to Levi most of all, and for so many reasons.

First of all, what stands out to me is the exchange between them, after Pieck tells Hange to stop being “gross”.  What I want to talk about here is when Hange asks Levi if he thinks their dead comrades are watching, and if he thinks they’ll be proud of what they do here today.  Levi tells Hange to stop talking like “him”, meaning of course Erwin.  This scene is just heart-wrenching, and part of that is, I think, because of Levi’s reaction to what Hange is saying.  He has, once again, such a weary, resigned looked on his face, and it’s because, I think, of the parallels he sees with Erwin.  I think Levi already knows, at this point, that Hange is going to die, in some way.  He recognizes the same, fatalistic bent to Hange’s mindset as he saw in Erwin, that day in Shinganshina, the same burden of guilt.  Just as Erwin began to bow and break under the weight of all the lives that had been lost under his command, Hange too is beginning to break, overcome by despair and hopelessness at what they perceive to be their failures.  Hange expresses this outright in the scene with Yelena, when Yelena tries forcing everyone to admit that Zeke was right, and Hange just resignedly agrees, saying that it was because of their failure to come up with a plan, because of their loss of hope, that Eren’s done what he has.  Of course, this isn’t true, just like Erwin blaming himself for the deaths of all those soldiers wasn’t based in any kind of truth.  But the sense of guilt is the same.  Hange blames themselves for what’s happening now, and they say this in front of everyone, including Levi.  And then Hange says what they do to Levi, about their dead comrades, and I think this must have been like the worst kind of deja vu to Levi, this kind of guilt driving Hange towards despair and hopelessness.  He tells Hange “Don’t you start talking like him, too...” because he can’t bear it.  He can’t bear to see his last, true friend succumb to the same fate as Erwin.

And then the Rumbling shows up, and Hange refuses for anyone else to engage with the Titans but themselves.  They tell everyone “I’m the one who led us here.  I pressed on, even at the cost of so many lives.  Time to face the music.”, and it’s Hange willingly taking on the role of martyr, the same one Levi had to help Erwin to accept for himself, in order to give their comrades a chance at victory.  Hange’s selflessness here is the definition of heroic.  True, unwavering conviction to what they believe is right.

But once again, similarly to Levi’s final push to help Erwin become the commander everyone believed him to be, Levi recognizes for Hange, in their final moment together, what it is they need.  He doesn’t try to stop Hange, doesn’t try to convince them against their chosen course of action, doesn’t cry out after them.  The same way Levi recognized in Erwin the way he was being crushed under the weight of his guilt, and understood how it would be a mercy and a salvation to make for him the decision to let go of his dream and die, Levi also recognizes in Hange that same burden and suffocating sense of guilt, and knows this is a decision Hange has made for themselves, their final absolution and ownership of their past choices, and that this is the thing Hange needs to relieve them of their burden.  A way for them to bear the burden of their past choices without regret.  Hange implores Levi to let them walk away and do this, and Levi does, because he understands, the same as he understood with Erwin.

But we finally see in full view the consequences for Levi in making these decisions, in letting his two, closest friends go to their deaths for the sake of their cause.  Levi’s expression in the following three panels is one of such unfathomable heartbreak.  He looks like a man utterly resigned to losing every good thing in his life, conscious and accepting of life’s bitter injustice and the grief of loss, but no less affected by it.  Levi is in so much obvious pain here.  Not physical (though obviously there’s that), but emotional and mental.  Hange is it for him.  They’re his last, real connection, his last, true friend, his last person.  And he has to let them go here.  Both for the sake of humanity, and for Hange’s own sake as well.  It truly is the bitterest pill to swallow.  And once again, it is a desperately heartbreaking display of Levi’s own selflessness, that he lets Hange go, that he lets Hange do this thing that needs to be done, without complaint, without protest, without influence from his own feelings, sacrificing once more what would be best for him for the sake of everyone else.  Levi looks devastated as he lays his fist against Hange’s chest and tells them “dedicate your heart”.  This final acceptance of his own, tragic loss, and Hange’s own choice to sacrifice their life.

And it continues when Hange flies away, at last, and we see Levi standing with the rest of their group.  Everyone around Levi has expressions of shock, dismay, and disbelief.  They haven’t yet accepted that this is happening, that Hange is flying to their death to buy them the time they need.  They look astonished and horrified.  But Levi is the lone exception.  He doesn’t look shocked, or disbelieving, but only continues to carry that same expression of weary, despairing resignation and acceptance.  And I think what we see in Levi, in this final arc is, in many ways, the culmination of a lifetime of loss and grief.  Levi’s lost more than probably any other character in SnK.  He’s experienced the most extreme forms of poverty and depravation from the time he was born, and with the death of Hange, has now lost every, single person that he ever formed any kind of close bond with.  With Hange’s death, Levi is left finally, completely alone.  And the look of defeat on Levi’s face throughout this entire arc is, I think, reflective of the affirmation he must feel, of the cruelty and injustice of life’s indifference to the suffering of everyone.  Every experience in Levi’s life has driven home to him the lesson, again and again, of the unfairness and cruelty of existing in this world.  And the events of this final arc, Eren’s betrayal, Zeke’s manipulations and cruelties, the deaths of so many comrades, the Rumbling, violence and destruction and allies turning against one another, and finally, Hange’s death, can only solidify for him the hopeless cynicism he’s fought against all his life, the awful comprehension of life’s brutality.  With Hange’s death, Levi is made to face once more what he’s always, deep down, known, which is that to exist in this world is to suffer with no purpose.  

And yet, still, Levi fights on.  He accepts Hange’s death with all the pain the loss crushes him down with.  He tells Hange goodbye, and asks them to “Just watch us.”.  Because even with the affirmation of all of Levi’s greatest despairs, he still finds a reason to make the fight worth it.  To realize the dream they all fought for, the salvation and future of humanity, and through the realization of that dream, to give meaning and importance to the lives of all those who have died in that dreams name, and meaning and importance to the lives of those yet still there.  Levi refuses, still, to give up, refuses to accept the futility and insignificance of people’s lives, even as he’s so ruthlessly reminded again and again of it.  And it’s in Hange, I think, that Levi finds that strength.  Because Hange also refused to give up.  Like they told Floch as he bled out, “We still can’t give up.  Even if we fail here, now, maybe someday...”  Maybe someday, life really will get better.  Maybe someday, people won’t have to suffer so much.  Maybe someday, there really will be a point to all of it.  Even in the face of total despair, Hange and Levi both found reasons to keep fighting.

Also, just some smaller observations about Levi’s physical state, and what it also says about his determination to not give up, but also about his perception of himself.

Levi is doing BAD here.  I didn’t notice this on my first read through, but when they’re all gearing up with their ODM gear, Levi is the only one sitting down on a crate, while everyone else is standing.  We see earlier in the chapter, when he leaves his room on the boat, he can’t even stand without the support of a handrail on the upper deck, or Armin’s arm around his shoulders.  And then when we see him testing his grip on the handle of his ODM’s blade, his hand is visibly shaking.  Levi’s physically too weak to stand on his own at this point, too weak to even hold his blades steady.  He must be in absolutely horrific pain.  Probably dizzy and lightheaded, probably nauseas even.  He’s FAILING physically.  On the verge, it seems, of collapse.  The fact that he’s even up and making the effort to move is something of a miracle, let alone that he’s prepared to engage in intense, physical combat, which just a short time later, he DOES.  That’s remarkable, and such a testament to Levi’s incredible will and unwavering conviction to fight for humanity.  He’s dying.  I think literally, he’s extremely close to death, genuinely frail.  But he still is ready and willing to give his all.  I think, over the course of the few chapters before this one, it must have been horrifically hard for Levi to sit by and watch as everyone else risked their lives to fight.  This isn’t something Levi is used to, being helpless and unable to fight for others.  He isn’t used to letting others take the risk while he stays back.  When Levi comes out of his cabin and Armin tries to convince him to go back to bed, Levi snaps with impatience that if he keeps resting, they’re all going to forget he even exists.  This reveals a lot about Levi’s perception of himself as someone who needs to make himself useful in order to matter.  As a tool to utilize.  He feels useless and like dead weight if he isn’t able to fight, and so, even on deaths door, he pushes himself to do just that, to become a weapon to be used in the coming battle.  It’s heartbreaking, to see Levi regard himself this way, even as it proves his incredible devotion and heart.  Once again, his own well being takes a backseat to the cause of others.  His health is secondary, in his mind.  For someone who always shows so much compassion and kindness and understanding for others, it makes it doubly heartbreaking, to see that Levi can’t manage the same compassion for himself, can’t give himself a break, or a pass for his weakness.  That he can’t allow himself that vulnerability, or for others to fight for him, even as all his life, he’s done nothing but fight for others.  

[vampireinterview]

It has come to my attention that some of you have not been made aware of the fact that Plato was well known for being a Destiel shipper, in addition to the fact that he also wrote some philosophical works on the side. Let me explain.

Plato was an Athenian thinker whose real name was Aristocles (Plato most likely comes from the Greek word for ‘broad”, he might have been so jacked that people nicknamed him for his wide shoulders, which is irrelevant to the topic at hand but I’m collecting receipts on my hypothesis that all hellers are physical beheamoths). His work regarding the philosophy of love can be interpreted through the lens of the Deancas love story, which can potentially lead us to discover the very essence of what makes Destiel so impactful and universal, so bear with me, I’ll make it as introductory as possible.

Plato’s Symposium is a dialogue which contains the philosopher’s basic view on what love can be. The influence of the aforementioned text has been so strong that even those of us who are blissfully unaware of its contents have heard of the concept of “platonic love”. It is with great disappointment that I have to inform you about the fact that the way in which the term is colloquially used can be considered quite removed from the core idea of what Plato’s love is supposed to be about. Commonly people utilize it to refer to a non-romantic and non-sexual emotion towards an individual. However, even though the extrasensory love was the end goal, it was never too far distanced from the earthly, carnal desire that was supposed to lay the foundation for greater experiences.

One of the most illustrative elements of the Symposium is no doubt the Love Ladder metaphor (also known as Diotima’s Ladder of Love, the Scala Amoris); Plato believes the act of loving to be a part of the process of initiation into the non-material world of ideas. Every step of the ladder helps one approach the transcendence of one’s soul, and so we can single out six steps to immortal absolutes:

1. The first step is developing an appreciation for a particular person. It’s a very much carnal (though not necessarily conventionally sexual) desire for beauty of a specific individual. According to Plato only through the love of the physical can one love the non material. The visceral infatuation with another’s body is often strongly rooted with the self-hatred of one’s own aesthetical poverty: within the carnal love we seek to find that which our own body lacks. The desire between Dean and Cas doesn’t have to be seen as strictly sexual, as the appreciation of beauty does not warrant a conventionally erotic subtext. This sort of fascination with the flesh is most noticeably highlighted in the many “eye sex” scenes in seasons 4-5, and is later brought up by Hester:

The very touch of you corrupts. When Castiel first laid a hand on you in Hell, he was lost. 

2. The second step stems from the appreciation for all physicality derived directly from the love one has for the lover’s form. It’s fleshed out any time Dean finds beauty in the dark times, where he would have never found it before or when Cas sees humanity through the lens of the love he has for the beauty within Dean Winchester. This step is all about finding the allure in everybody, not in spite of but rather because of having fallen for a specific person’s material form.

3. The next step is a love which transcends the physical and teaches an individual to feel affection towards the souls. The attraction one can experience in relation to that which is non material is precisely what takes the function of the driving force behind both Castiel’s and Dean’s decisions in season 6 and onward (arguably even much earlier for Cas? or even Dean? Maybe we’re talking about season 4?). As evidenced by the apparent lack of attraction Dean experiences towards Jimmy himself, he must have already moved on to this stage (the Cas he loves is not just the vessel he inhabits). Castiel on the other hand feels heavily infatueted with Dean’s spiritual allure (even when he’s physically on the verge of a breakdown, he’s still beautiful, still Dean Winchester). 

4. It is only then that one can find love for the institution. If one worships souls, then one also has to worship the product of those souls: and, sure enough, loving humanity led Castiel to love its structures and ethical systems and be willing to die fighting for them. In the later seasons he exhibits fascination over all the little rules that guide an average human’s life (which is especially fleshed out in his season 7 dialogues, where he contemplates all the small details of the societal structure, ie: how important is lipstick to you?, maybe the human institutions should ban its production). Same can be said of Dean: the customs and traditions of other people are subject to his affectionate protection in the later seasons, which sets s6 and onwards Dean apart from the early seasons Dean who cared mostly about his blood relatives. The found family arc was for him a process of growing attached to the order of life which was previously foreign to him, and him learning to navigate functioning within a big family structure and an organization (the last one is physically manifested by his move from a chaotic life spent at random motels to living at the bunker, property of the institution of Men Of Letters).

5. Then comes the deep appreciation of knowledge. Now, it is widely disputed whether what Plato meant should be strictly narrowed down to just one kind of knowledge (in many English translations you might encounter the word ‘science’, though used in the ancient sense). The process of gaining knowledge is often equated with the understanding of ideas in Plato’s work, therefore we’re going to stick with that. The act of loving the process of discovering both the external and the internal world is a strong factor which pushes Dean to self examination, or the examination of the inner psyche. It is that pursuit of knowledge that is the very coronation of his entire character arc: the realization of his role within the story (”I’m not the ultimate killer”) which was directly derived from the act of loving Cas.

6. The final stage of platonic love is reaching the love of the very concept of Love. Once again, interpretations vary, but for the sake of the argument, I’ll clarify that: the discussed kind of love transcends both the body and the soul. An individual is in love with Beauty, not just one of it’s physical or spiritual manifestations. In my opinion, this stage is extremely well depicted during the 15x18 confession scene, for it is a kind of love achieved by Castiel. He is no longer just in love with the body or soul of Dean, he’s also in love with the sole idea of loving him. He quite literally states that he’s fallen in love with the idea of just being, just saying it, just falling in love. 

Upon achieving this state, he transcends his material conditions both by leaving the human world (his move to another dimension - the Empty - could be just an illustrative manifestation of the transcendental move of his essence) and giving birth to a new world order. The way in which he later on goes to rebuild Heaven and give birth to a completely new, structure of the universe is in line with a concept that Plato ties into the finale step of the Ladder - pregnancy of the soul. At one point in Symposium he describes Diotima saying that:

That in that life alone, when he looks at Beauty in the only way that Beauty can be seen--only then will it become possible for him to give birth not to images or virtue (Because he’s in touch with no images), but to true virtue (Because he is in touch with the true Beauty).

What is the christian equivalent and personification of the true idea of Virtue if not the abstract concept of Heaven? The moment Cas creates a new portrayal of Virtue he finishes the Ladder. It could also be argued that the true pregnancy of the soul was actually finished when Jack ascended to the status of God: an entity which belongs to the realm of ideas and is perfect by its very nature is birthed through Castiel’s love (which can be traced back to the feelings he has for Dean Winchester).

And it is the fact that Dean’s arc got stuck on the fifth stage of the Ladder that causes me so much pain. He dies before transcending and experiencing the non-temporal and non-relative feeling of love that one can gain only through the admiration of beauty itself. His life was cut short and his soul has already left the mortal, physical world, therefore he is forever unable to experience the feeling of loving Love and Virtue so much that his soul gives birth to an unbreakable idea.

In conclusion: if you ever see somebody say that Dean and Castiel’s relationship is platonic, just agree. It is very much so platonic in the sense that through their carnal and spiritual desires they’ve manged to (nearly, in Dean’s case) transcend their material conditions and reached the divine aspect of ideal Beauty and Virtue, rooted in a love that’s so deep that it’s perfectly able to redefine the structure of one’s existence.

tagging some people who have vaguely expressed interest in acquiring the third eye:

@cryptcas​ @futureheadnerd​ @doctorprofessorsong​ @sinnabonka​ @theangelwiththewormstache​ @absoluteheller​ @fivefeetfangirl​ 

[365days365movies]

January 19, 2021: Wings of Desire (1987) (Part One)

This movie was remade with Meg Ryan and Nicolas Cage.

It’s called City of Angels, and it was NOT. RECIEVED. WELL. You’re welcome.

Obviously, today’s movie isn’t that one, but the film preceding it, which was made in 1987 in West Germany, making this surprisingly not the first fantasy film I’ve seen from there! Because the other well-known fantasy film they made about 5 years earlier has FAR surpassed this one in popular culture. Ain’t that right, Falkor?

...OK, Falkor, pump the brakes there a little. Well, that film, to be fair, was meant for children. Something tells me that this Wim Wenders-directed film about an angel learning about the gifts of love and mortality...isn’t. Call it a hunch.

Wenders, by the way, is one of Germany’s most prominent directors, famous there and abroad for his diverse works. He’s made films on things from Cuban culture to road movies in the USA, to biographies and documentaries, and...well, also this film. He’s one of the great living auteur directors, apparently. 

So, I’m excited! Plus, I don’t see as much angel fiction as I used to see. My mom is a big Touched By An Angel fan, so I’ve seen a LOT of that show in the past. Other than that, and your Wonderful Lifes and Angels in the Outfield, I feel like this is a genre that’s gone the way of the dodo in recent years. Granted, there’s also the miniseries of Angels in America...

But that one...that series I’m gonna have to be READY for, for literally every possible reason. Mostly AIDS. ANYHOO, let’s get to THIS angels movie, shall we? SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

Recap (1/2)

The poem “Lieder vom Kindseit” is written/spoken/sung, and we roll right into the opening credits. After this, we fly over the city of Berlin, where a man with angel wings stands on the parapet of a church, down at the city below him. While no adults seem to notice his presence, children look up and see him above.

We also hear what would appear to be the thoughts of people through the city, as well as in an airplane. The man is on this airplane, where a little girl sees him, but eemingly nobody else does. He looks at her and smiles, and she returns the smile. And suddenly...a voiceover in English comes in, as done by...Peter Falk as himself? Like...Columbo Peter Falk?

...Huh. H’s talking about getting ready for a part of some kind, and aso waxes on the city below him. In that city below, in an apartment amongst a group of tenements, various people bemoan their lives and struggles, all witnessed through their thoughts. A man feels unloved by his wife, a woman is moving into the apartments, another man is dealing with his feeling for his now departed mother, a couple of parents are bemoaning their rock-and-roll loving son...and then the poem breaks in again, and we see views of children in the apartments, who see the angels in turn.

Probably a good time to introduce our angels, by the way. We have two of them, the curious Damiel (Bruno Ganz) and the clinical Cassiel (Otto Sander). They meet in a car on the highway, and note the various things they have observed, with Cassiel noticing more specific and practical things, and Damiel obviously being the more romantic of the two in his observations.

Damiel, in fact, admits that he sometimes wishes that he could be more tied to the earth, rather than looking above it as an outsider. Cassiel doesn’t shoot this down outright, but he’s definitely not nearly as interested in the idea as Damiel is. The two walk in a library, and as Damiel moves on, Cassiel succumbs to the voices of the angelic choir above. Damiel soon joins in on this as well, but is seen by anther set of angels, all of whom are in the library as well. But Damiel is clearly bereaved, and greatly longs to interact with the physical world.

In the library, Damiel and Cassiel observe an old man, and his inner thoughts are quotes from the blind Greek poet Homer. Homer (Curt Bois) sits in the lbrary and thinks, and almost seems to see Damiel for a moment. Interesting. But, Damiel leaves the library and gets on a train. On the train, he uses his angelic gifts to give a man hope.

Afterwards, he observes children in the street, and then comes across a circus. Working at the circus is Marion (Solveig Dommartin), a trapeze artist dressed as an angel for her next act. She’s having some trouble with the wings on her costume, though. 

She complains about this, and for a brief moment - a single solitary moment - the film’s in color? Wait...why? Why is the film now in color for a second? I mean, it goes right back to black-and-white, so...huh, I dunno. I guess we’ll find out later. Damiel observed the trapeze artist, whose thoughts are hovering on the end of her trapeze career, as well as love lost amongst other things.

The circus is also being forced to close its doors, which saddens Marion more. She goes and listens to records alone in her trailer, unknowingly accompanied by Damiel. This is complicated when she, uh, strips. And he touches her bare shoulder. Man, Damiel, you’ve got it bad.

And then, as he leaves, the film becomes color once again! OK, I get it now! The angel’s viewpoint is in black-and-white, and the human viewpoint is in color, as if to establish a detachment from the world that we know. VERY neat! We go right back to black-and-white, as Damiel attends to a dying man, hit by a car in the street. He helps him repeat mortal experiences, which are ones that are meant for the man to hold onto the mortal world with, but that are also experiences that Damiel wishes to understand for himself. VERY interesting, and I can dig it.

Meanwhile, Cassiel is watching over Homer, who is looking at photographs in the library of...well, the effects of World War II and poverty in Germany, including pictures of dead children. Which was...pleasant. He leaves to find Potsdamer Platz, a city square in the center of Berlin. But there are two problems with this: the Berlin Wall is in the middle of where it used to be, AND the square was completely destroyed during Would War II.

And this is where we get a very interesting monologue from Homer, detailing how Germany changed when World War II happened. He questions what’s happened to his life ad world in this tie. All the while, he’s accompanied by Cassiel.

We leave Homer, and get more glimpses of people in Berlin, through Cassiel’s perspective this time. He writes in his book, and notes that the people of Germany are divided into many factions, unique to each individual. And as he rides in a taxi and thinks this, he sees the source of this change: World War II, and the effects of the politics then.

On the way there, he runs into Peter Falk, who’s being told myths aout Adolf Hitler by a German teenager, something that he thankfully doesn’t believe. This is, of course, as he’s making a film set in Nazi Germany, and we watch him trying on different hats for his outfit. Damiel and Cassiel watch this, as Falk chooses a hat and walks away, thinking on what he’ll have for dinner that night.

And as we hear the thoughts of some of the people on set, who have experienced Germany during this time period, and it’s that I start to realize that this film is about the present Germany, and its past. Which is...absolutely fascinating. Falk agrees, as he asks a woman serving as an extra for the film if he can sketch her. He wonders about her experiences, as his stream of consciousness reveals. It’s fascinating.

Falk leaves the set for an interview, and Damiel and Cassiel reunite to see a show of some kind, where many children are present. This turns out to be the circus from before. Damiel seems to enjoy it along with the children, although Cassiel seemingly distances himself from the crowd. Marion is also in the show, dressed up as a cat. And Damiel is transfixed by her.

Good place to pause for Part 2! See you there!

[ultraviolet-techno-ecology]

One of the tension points in decolonization that has never sat right with me (see Tuck and Yang (2012)) is that there seems to be a levying of colonial blame on black descendants of enslaved Africans. We did not choose to come here. We were abducted by the millions. Our ties to our Mother--as Sadiya Hartman puts it--was severed. We were forced to make a new one through the Middle Passage and the hellish inferno of chattel slavery. So where would we go, as Tuck and Yang seem to demand? Why blame us and not the white slavers who forced us to come here? We have no place to call our own, except for the small enclaves such as Harlem. But that is stolen land.

(Part 2) But that's from like a single article. I'm not exactly sure how indigenous people reconcile legacies like that over stolen land. So I am genuinely trying to understand how it's dealt with. Especially since my work has been on black urban anthropology and the right to stay (vis-à-vis gentrification and 'bleaching' in Central Harlem). =============================================

TW: SHOAH Alright so back in WW2, a very wealthy Jewish family is pulled from their western European estate and executed in the streets by SS. You might even say that in a sick way - that it was a courtesy. They were spared the camps in the east. The only survivors are those who were away representing the family on foreign business matters. 

On the other side of the world, obscure mixed race siblings hear about the approach of Japanese forces closing in on the Dutch East Indies. Their father is a high ranking member of the colonial government (A direct descendant of a Governor-General whose legacy is the bloody conquest of Jakarta and the establishment of the capital city Batavia), their mother is one of the many slaves in his possession - they are deemed to be neither Dutch nor Indonesian, they are Indo, a thing treated as both between and neither. I even have a great-aunt who was permanently disabled when the ship attempting to escape to Australia was categorically rejected - rejected because the Australian government did not consider them to be White. The USA was one of the only countries which permitted the more obviously mixed race Indo people shelter and even then it was conditional to the idea that Indo people had been in proximity to the colonial government enough to be White-Like. 

I’m describing my family just before they came to the USA seeking shelter where they were greeted with poverty and alienation as Others. Foreigners who were not seen as white in that historical time period. Yet still very priviledged to escape at all. 

So with that background in mind - It’s easy to see how someone like myself would be very uncomfortable with the idea that the answer to colonialism is simply telling every non-indigenous person to leave the continent and find somewhere else to live. To share equal blame for atrocities that happened at the hands of those who oppressed us. 

Like many Africa-Americans there is no “Home” that I could return to. I have no known surviving family in Europe - and as a secular person Yisroel or Indonesia would be as foreign to me as the Ivory Coast to the descendants of American slavery. Things are complicated even further when my whiteness is entirely conditional - even the whiter part of my American family going as far as to see my particular branch as impure blood. 

So what is my relationship to decolonization? I’m of the opinion that the conditions of my arrival do not in any way change the fact that the US (+Canada and others, but I’m specifically speaking from a US perspective.) government has no authority to grant residential permission for my inhabitation. Now I’m sure some people would be bothered by my de-racialization of the decolonization project - but to me that’s the real issue that stifles conversations about the subject. It’s like you say - we need to focus on the white colonizers and the largest force in colonization comes from the US government itself. 

That is - in my opinion - where the blame must be made. I’m an impoverished nobody with a blog, I will never own property and at times I’ve been literally homeless since even my immediate family disowned me for being LGBT and disabled. I have no meaningful way - nothing to give back - no impactful power - as an individual to decolonize the USA. My death or absence in this hour would probably be a step backwards because at the very least I am a voice that advocates for those who are ignored. I am - despite everything I have said - someone who had the priviledge to not specifically face the post-apocalyptic horror that native Americans experience every day. 

I strongly believe that to completely racialize the subject of decolonization is a foolish error that promotes far right thinking of blood purity and similar subjects - a dangerous error that will particularly harm mixed race people as my family personally experienced in both the Dutch and Japanese occupation of the diverse islands now lumped together into the Indonesian monolith.

To fight for justice - for the African, Jewish, Hispanic, Asian, Pacific Islander, Middle Eastern, every flavor of oppressed people and most importantly of all for this specific conversation - the indigenous people of North America... it means opposing the actual people who wield the power to declare the If, When, and How justice will even be permitted let alone manifested. 

[robosucka]

How can you be trans and Christian?

Flippant answer: Not being American seems to help.

Short answer: I think that all kinds of people have a need for some aspect of faith or spirituality in their lives. I've nurtured mine in a few ways (teenage Wicca, organized skepticism and 'faith' in the scientific method, flirtation with Zen), but the one that has felt the most 'authentic' to my own family history, and personal tradition, is the form of egalitarian protestant theology I grew up knowing my grandparents practiced. While they were dying, one of the conversations I had with my grandmother involved her regret that none of her grandchildren went to church, let alone sang in the choir as they did. A year or so afterwards, in a foreign country during the deepest isolation of my life (so far, and that's a high bar), I experienced a crisis of faith. I wish I could say, as I've seen in some conversion narratives (I'm thinking in particular of ex-Toast admin Nicole Cliff's), that I heard the voice of God, or felt Christ's love wash over me, but instead of any of these signs, I just felt very very very sad. On my return to Canada, I made a decision to experiment with going to church. I visited a couple churches and never felt a connection to the communities or politics they'd built, but then I visited the church I currently attend (and sing in the choir of) on November 18th, a normal Sunday, only to find myself attending a moving TDOR service.

I still had yet to experience the Divine - but I did a month later, when I first received Communion as an adult (and for the first time in nearly 20 years). As I ate the grape juice and bread, I felt a sense that this exploration of my faith journey was what I needed for my own life, and experienced a joy and sense of being loved that I think goes far beyond just 'grape juice has sugar in it'.

That was about 3 years ago now. If I had not been attending a church with genuinely liberation-based and evolutionary theology, that put in the work to be an Affirming congregation, that works to fulfil the demands of the Truth and Reconciliation Commission, I don't know that I would be anywhere near as willing to call myself a Christian, let alone a person of faith.

Now, when I sing in the church choir, and we really nail something, I feel the presence of God. When I pray, I hold myself accountable and try to become a better person.

How can I be trans and Christian? By staying true to the radical anticolonialist Christ, who was born in poverty to a teenage mother, and who promises the Kingdom of God on Earth (I'm still uncertain about this Heaven and Hell business). It's a lens for my social justice, a deepening of my self, and a commitment to resistance against those who would violate His name and teachings in the pursuit of xenophobia, wealth, and bigotry. Will I win? Of course not, not on my own, but I would like to be a good example of a person of faith who isn't weird about it, doesn't use it as a cudgel.

Longest answer: if you're in Vancouver, let's meet over coffee and maybe I can explain it better. You have to buy my coffee though.

[camgirlsurvivalguide]

Is Any Advice Good Advice? Where and who to look for direction in online SW

First of all, long time no see. If you haven’t already heard, there are a few major changes that have happened in my own life personally which have affected this blog. Number one, I have retired from live stream webcamming. After six and a half years I made the decision to step back from streaming, for both personal and pragmatic reasons - and I have been really thriving ever since! I’ve moved from my original site (MFC) to OnlyFans, which has changed my daily routine for the better and improved my income while reducing the amount of hours I need to work. The tl’dr is that I’m loving it over there, and have PLENTY to say about how I’m finding success - over on the newly formed Camgirl Survival Guide OnlyFans page. 

onlyfans.com/camgirlsurvivalguide 

After years of offering insight and advice for free here on tumblr, I’m now opting to ask for support from those who are interested in what I have to say - so for $10 a month, you can access my new pieces that focus (for now) around OnlyFans, but will also continue to speak about live stream camming in the future occasionally as well, in the event that I feel I have something useful to say.

Why pay for advice when you could access stuff here for free, or simply learn things yourself? Excellent question: and it’s one I don’t necessarily have an easy answer for, to be honest. I personally went back and forth for a long while about putting any advice behind a paywall, because for one I truly believe in supporting other SWers and for the other ... I mean, who am I to tell you how to run your business? Time and time again on this blog I’ve insisted that my advice is formulated around my hustle, and that what works for me may not work for you - so putting a price tag on something that may not necessarily benefit an up and coming content creator or camgirl felt ... off. 

Then again, people sell stuff that might not help ALL people all the time. Gym routines, study guides, tutorials of any sort ... loads of other professionals sell advice. Self help is a booming industry, and writing self help requires zero qualifications. 

So how is this different when it comes to SW? To me, it boils down to the audience looking to consume it. Joining the industry is not always someone’s first choice - and if it IS a first choice, a lot of the time, newbies are not totally aware of the extent to which stigma and discrimination can truly harm them down the line. People are often in tough positions before choosing to join SW, whether they’re suffering from some sort of a disability, in danger of or experiencing poverty, or attempting to support themselves through school - and while SW can seem like a saving grace (which it is, for some), I worry that without proper disclaimers, entering the industry can do more harm than good. I wouldn’t want to lead someone into thinking listening to my *~*~10 Simple Tips to SW*~*~ would help them transform their lives instantly without any repercussion. 

That, and people are gullible and susceptible to influence. Lots of younger girls will look at a pretty, thin, white and financially successful camgirl and think “I wanna be her!” without really considering things. I mean, it’s just selling nudes, right? How hard can it be? How bad could things really get?

But I remember the headlines of SWers raped, murdered, beaten. I hear stories from friends about abuse, violence, death threats from strangers online; of having their nudes or p*rn sent to their families, their bosses, plastered all over websites that they’ll never be able to remove. I think of friends who are turned away from housing opportunities despite handsome income because the renters just “don’t think it’s a right fit” after finding out their involvement in the industry. I think of the camgirl moms I know who struggle to get visitation rights for their own children because of their line of work. I think of the woman who attempted suicide after her school ran her out of her nursing program after it was discovered she did porn.  I think of being run out of my own program after being outed. I think of the last year of my own life. 

I would love to believe that the majority of people offering advice are doing it out of a place of genuine desire to be helpful. I think there’s a big part of most of us that, upon finding success, wants to figure out how to raise others up with us. The Psychologists Fallacy is the belief that because I can do it, so too can anyone else - but this isn’t really the case, and when the drawbacks are as immense as they can be with SW, being naive as an advice giver can do more harm than good.

So who gets to give advice, then? The demand is there, so there will be supply. With how easy it is to make money off of referrals on OnlyFans (and with pressure being put on live streaming websites to implement similar features), it’s even easier for established creators to profit off of people who want to do what they do. I think the people who think twice about giving advice, or think long and hard before they publish advice let alone charge to access it, are probably the safest bet - but the people who are less experienced will probably do it first. If you’re looking for advice, I suggest seeking out credentials like time spent in the industry, variety of SW experiences, which skills that you think they could teach you in ways you couldn’t learn quickly or easily on your own, and/or whether or not they’re able to TEACH their experiences to others (because teaching and knowing are two completely different skillsets). Follower count or income matter less these days than meets the eye when we consider viral success stories - yet at the same time, I understand looking at the lure of luck and wanting to find a formula for your own instant rise to fame and fortune. Sadly, I’m here to tell you that I don’t think there is one, regardless of who might be selling their version of a How To.

I want to say to anyone seeking advice a simple, age old “do your research” -- but I also recognize that time is of the essence when many of us want to take the plunge. We need to make a paycheque right now and whatever comes our way first will likely be the only bit of direction or advice, if we get any at all, that we consume before diving in. I recognize that those who take their time, are able to discern which creators would likely give the best advice, pay for that advice and then have the time to study that advice and put it to use (paying for equipment, shooting and stockpiling content, so on and so forth) are likely considerably more privileged than the rest, which stands to further widen the gap between marginalized survival SWers at the bottom and those at the top. 

I guess, in reality, this message has tilted from one for advice consumers to one for advice producers. Think before you offer help. Remember that what helps you is not guaranteed to help others. Remember the immense amount of responsibility you have when you offer tangible, procedural steps to entering an industry that can forever irreversibly damage someone’s life. Remember that wanting to help is good, but that sometimes helping is worse than choosing not to.

As far as this blog goes, I imagine I’ll still update from time to time, but I will be focusing my efforts over on OnlyFans moving forward - until the CGS book is ready, that is. Stay tuned~

[ofmoonbeams]

introducing: moonbeam

pinterest. 

BASICS.

full name: noemi elara calliso

nicknames (if any): emmy, no (at least that’s what her mother always says to her)

gender / pronouns: cis female  / she, her

classification: human

abilities (if any): n/a

age: twenty-six

occupation: nursing assistant

PERSONALITY.

traits: selfish, insensitive, eager, determined, ambitious, adventurous, gregarious, unreliable

mbti: estp - the entrepreneur 

zodiac: cancer sun, leo moon, gemini rising

AESTHETIC.

hopping fences, staying in the shadows, black coffee, skinned knees, moonlight reflecting off a lake, vanilla and vetiver candles, your throat being raw from screaming into the void, wind in your hair, the fresh sounds and smells of a place you’ve never been before, desperately trying to remember places you have.  

HISTORY.

noemi was born to young human couple in district three, lucine and lee perrine. lee and lucine worked at the factory, but once lucine became pregnant with noemi, lee and her brother steven basically forced her to stop working, worrying that she would injure herself or lose the baby. so, she became a freelance tailor, repairing torn trousers or sewing buttons back on a coat. money was tight already when it was just the two of them, but once noemi was born, it was impossible to survive off of their income alone. 

so, lucine’s brother steven (who was known to dabble in the black market as it was), decided to go full force, scavenging the drylands and beyond for anything that was worth anything. practically all of the money earned from these endeavors went to raising noemi, and steven loved her as if she was his own daughter. 

lee hated this, he already didn’t like steven mostly because his wife always defended him (he was her little brother, after all). but it also hurt his sense of pride - the breadwinner with no bread, he hated the fact that he couldn’t support his family.

this continued for a few years, and when noemi was two years old, the callistos were on the hunt for two perfectly human babies. why two? greed, maybe. maybe so that when they wanted alone time, their children could entertain each other. maybe they just liked even numbers. anyway, lee was at dinah’s on his night off, after he got into a fight with lucine about finances, her brother, etc. the callistos, on their hunt for babies, overheard him venting to his friends about his situation, and gave him and offer: for a modest amount of money, they would take noemi and raise her as their own. lee didn’t agree right away, he said he’d have to talk to his wife about it and they would consider it. as one can imagine, lucine shot him down immediately. 

the callistos knew that their main source of income and the only thing keeping them afloat was steven’s dealings on the black market. so, they tipped off one of the watchers, and bribed him to make steven disappear. 

lucine waited by the window for three days after he said he would be back, but finally she realized that he was dead, and they couldn’t feed noemi. lucine was so distraught that she laid in bed for days, crying and ignoring the pleas of her toddler. lee took noemi and went to dinah’s, where he handed her off to the callistos. 

when noemi first arrived to her new home, she was confused. sure, she was pampered and fed beyond anything she had ever experienced, but she always asked where her mama was. trying to dispel the notion from her mind, the callistos always shot her down, telling her that they were her parents, and they loved her. and in their own way, at least at first, they did. they never harmed a hair on her head, they gave her anything she wanted that could be bought. but what she wanted most was her mother to tell her that she was proud of her.

noemi and saffira had the same tutors, did the same extracurriculars, and were always together. no matter how hard noemi tried, she just wasn’t as good as saffira at anything. she enjoyed piano, painting, learning languages (which she wasn’t half bad at), dancing. but slowly, her mother’s constant disappointment in her performance chipped away at her enjoyment of these hobbies, until she despised them all with a passion.

her and saffira debuted at the same time, but upon seeing that her mother paid absolutely no attention to her at all (indifference is worse than hatred, after all), noemi ran away to district two, where she stayed at dinah’s all night, watching and listening to people, even engaging in light conversation with them. it was magical to her, but on her way back home, she was accosted by a mutant, and it scared her so badly that she didn’t go back until a few years later.

noemi hated being bad at everything (or not being as good as saffira), and she was desperate to have something of her own. she begged her parents to let her get a job, and finally, through their connections with the hospital, they got her the position as a nursing assistant. now, noemi is not good at this, and her bedside manner is awful because she just asks questions that pop in her head and can be quite insensitive. but still, when you’re injured, a pretty young face can do wonders for morale. 

her experiences at the hospital made her want more, and soon enough, she started sneaking out again to go to districts two and three (though it took some time to build up enough courage to go to district three).

as of now, she still lives with her parents and saffira, but their lives are fairly separate. she holds a lot of resentment to all members of her family, but she still craves their approval. mostly, she just wants something that’s her’s, and that can’t be tainted by her parents or stolen by saffira.  

WANTED CONNECTIONS. 

the secret history: noemi’s entire life, she wonders who her true family is; of course, whenever she asks, her parents go on a long diatribe about how she was left alone, to starve and wallow in poverty, and how they saved her. but from what she remembers (which is very little, especially now that she is older), it was nothing like that at all. i think part of her doesn’t want to know what happened to her family, because she really doesn’t want her adoptive parents to be right. however, I do want her to eventually find out what happened to her family, whether they are dead or alive (could be interesting). perhaps someone recognizes her from when she’s little , or knew the family in some way? perhaps a childhood friend (who would have to be a bit older) sees her and something clicks?

radicalize me, baby: noemi has been going to district three more and more lately, and while her time is confined mainly to the boneyard and her visits with peter, she ventures out occasionally. she is incredibly curious about mutants, and wants to know more about them. i want someone to open her eyes to how awful it is to be a mutant, because all she sees is a different life than the one she has, which is incredibly restricting. it’s a bit “the grass is always greener on the other side” deal, and i want noemi to take her passion for mutants, and turn it into something more...destructive. she’ll be reluctant to at first, because her parents’ approval still (unfortunately) means a lot to her, but she’ll give it up eventually.

the parent she never had: noemi needs someone who believes in her, who sees her for her potential and her present. her mother is a master at chipping away her self esteem and making her want to do better to gain her approval at the same time. i want someone who could be a mother (or father) figure to noemi, who loves her (or will) unconditionally, because she deserves it. also someone to give it to her straight and try to make her more realistic and take care of herself, because the girl can be reckless.

teach me: this ties in to the wc above, but i want someone to teach noemi something she doesn’t know, or does know but is “bad” at. someone to really take the time to help her, and give her more confidence in her own capabilities. this could be anything from fighting to painting. i just want her to feel like she’s good at something (aside from sneaking around). 

ex flames, ex friends, flames, friends, people at dinah’s she’s talked to before, someone who knows she’s from district one, someone who doesn’t know or doesn’t care. her found family.

HEADCANONS.

dinah’s is the first place noemi went to outside of district one, and the warmth and friendliness and the life she encountered there made her feel at home for the first time. it’s a very special place to her, and probably her favorite place in metropolis.

used to play “hide and seek” with her mother when her mother’s friends would come over, basically ensuring noemi was out of sight and silent. her mother would then come up and find her and tickle her and noemi loved the game because it was a special thing she had with her mother. then, one night she snuck downstairs and saw saffira was allowed to engage with her parents’ friends, and she was heartbroken. still, she wanted to play the game because it made her feel special, and she loved getting the attention from her mother (sad hours).

noemi wants more than anything to be a mutant. she has hope that her family were mutants, and that her powers are simply dormant. spoiler alert: she isn’t. she’s completely human. this will tear her apart, especially when she finds out saffira has abilities (much much later). 

writes in a secret journal that she keeps under her mattress.

loves peter pan and would always play dress up with her sister where she was peter pan and saffira was wendy.

in general, her and saffira would dress up and play pretend and have little “adventures,” a memory noemi clings on to. she misses her sister, but years of (unfair) resentment towards her keep blurring that, and she could never admit it. 

loves sour gummy worms. 

got a tattoo out of rebellion, of course it’s a crescent moon on her hip. of course. 

[casually-inlove]

I'm a bit curious about the change in He Tian's attitude towards Mo in some earlier 2016 moments. He looked like he was playing around with Mo and even taunt him then, but the kiss came out of nowhere, and he is now having a crush on the boy. What do you think that makes him interested in Mo in the first place, and at which point did he start taking their friendship seriously, and started loving Mo?

Hey there, anon!

That’s a fabulous question actually. At some point, I also wondered what it was that made He Tian interested in Momo to begin with, or when this transition actually happened, and I was addling my head a lot over it, lol. I can only speculate here, but nonetheless here goes.

First of all, let’s take a look at how OX initially presented He Tian. We saw a wealthy, privileged and somewhat snobbish boy, who enjoyed top grades and enduring popularity among other students. Hell, even the teachers were fond of him, while girls flocked around He Tian every break. Whatever he said or mentioned was being met with giggles and bashful sighs. You get the picture. 

Unfortunately, it’s all but a pretty wrapping. In reality, none of those people knows who He Tian really is. We as readers know that in fact, He Tian suffers from profound loneliness. We know that despite all that money, he barely has any noteworthy personal possessions. That he still experiences the aftershocks of childhood traumas. That his relationships with his family are deeply fractured. People who surround He Tian on a daily basis could be described as sycophants. Their adoration towards him is pretty shallow. They are so crazy about him why exactly? Because he’s handsome, rich, popular, etc. Not saying that it’s a bad reason to like someone, but it’s not particularly meaningful either.

Anyway, this leads me to my main point. He Tian is used to that sort of shallow attention and plays along with it for his own reasons. He’s used to people nearly applauding him for whatever he does. He’s used to people wanting to be near him. If we think back to his childhood, we’ll see that instead of a mother he had been (apparently) surrounded by maids (?), who were hired to care for him (and that’s apparently why he’s so bad at house chores, haha). 

Case and point: he’s used to being in the center of attention and having people bend over to his whims.

And then… cue Mo Guan Shan, who gives zero fucks about He Tian. Who gives zero fucks about his popularity or his money, who has the balls to tell him to bugger off in the rudest ways possible. Momo doesn’t dance to his tune, and that’s something new to He Tian, something he hadn’t experienced before.

So… Momo comes off as belligerent, dirty-mouthed school bully who is contemptuous towards those rich and powerful (he has reasons for that, but still Momo’s view is tinted through his own childhood experiences). There’s raw honesty in Mo Guan Shan and that initially fascinates He Tian. Let’s admit it: He Tian comes off as being bored or somewhat indifferent towards life. The fact that there’s one person who doesn’t bow and kowtow before him is refreshing. That’s probably one of the reasons why He Tian hires Mo to cook and clean for him in the first place. He’s bored and Mo is the cure to his boredom. A cure that runs his mouth, threatens to knock his teeth out and outright calls him fake and dangerous, haha.

If I were to give a Tvtrope to this one, it would be “I love you because I can’t control you”. He Tian cannot approach MGS normally, like how he would have approached anyone else. Friendly attitude doesn’t work with him. Momo truly reminds me of a stray dog that is used to people treating it so badly that it would bite the hand that tried to pet it. There’s also a matter of MGS being very prideful. That raw honesty of his doesn’t fade away even when He Tian gives him beatings or pays him to do house chores. Sure, he takes the money but he never sugarcoats his attitude, never hides his distaste for He Tian and people like him. He makes it clear that he HATES every second of being near HT or in his apartment, yet he manages to put it aside when needed. 

Anyway, I digress. I believe that fascination on He Tian’s part had been rather instantaneous. It may have very well happened during the fight between XiXi and MGS. Momo has shown that he didn’t follow any rules, and literally had a savagely pragmatic side to him (when he used a stone to hit XiXi). That was probably the moment when HT’s curiosity was aroused. He’s not used to seeing people like that.

The kiss scene is also very telling. From the easiness with which He Tian invades personal bubbles of the others, we can surmise that he thinks it’s no big deal, and if it’s no big deal to him, he literally thinks it’s the same way for everyone else. As I mentioned before, he’s used to people being willing to “give in” to him, hence he seems to have a mindset that he can take whatever he wants (like a spoiled brat, haha) and that nobody ever would mind — precisely because they are willing to begin with. This fails with MGS. Not only he reacts violently, he begins crying. That’s absolutely not the kind of reaction He Tian was expecting; you can blatantly see it written all over his face. He even asks Momo if he finds HT disgusting. 

I believe that’s when He Tian actually felt a pang of guilt for his doings. The way Mo Guan Shan reacted is extremely human and understandable. Someone he DESPISED came up and forcefully pushed their tongue into his mouth, forced him into a kiss that is by all means just another taunt or a joke, not to mention that by the looks of it, it was his first kiss — something that in many cultures is considered to be nearly sacred. And He Tian probably for the first time in his life experienced a rejection. He wanted someone who didn’t want him, and there’s nothing his cool reputation or money could do about it. He also realized that he disgusted somebody — also something new to him. The novelty of it all, the unexpected guilt — these are the new feelings in his otherwise stale daily life. Mo Guan Shan made him experience something dramatically different.

Another point is that there are rather obvious parallels drawn between Momo and that puppy He Tian used to care for. He saved that puppy from a violent mountain torrent and nursed it back to health, just like he saved Mo from She Li and the angry mob later. He Tian’s failure to protect that puppy from “death” (like He Cheng made him believe) is one of the unresolved issues of his past, which he tries to rectify (or I should rather say, prevent from repeating itself) with Mo Guan Shan. Subconsciously he might be projecting that dog onto Mo Guan Shan, although he seems to be very much aware of his own associations, as he calls Momo his puppy.

During the time He Tian spends taunting and forcing Mo to do stuff, he learns things that make him admire Mo. Like Mo’s refusal to sugarcoat his attitude, the fact that he’s shouldering a heavy financial burden, that he’s actually extremely hardworking, that he has pride and doesn’t entertain shallow ideas of being someone’s monkey on a display even for a princely reward. He Tian discovers traits that he likes. He Tian discovers that under that hard-shell hides someone very honest and raw.

Lastly, if you think about it, Momo and He Tian are somewhat very similar: both of them have been marked by isolation. Mo has been ostracized because of his father’s imprisonment, and grew up being mistreated by likes of She Li and possibly looked down on due to his poverty. He’s withdrawn into a shell out of fear of being hurt, and he the way he views others is marked by suspicion and trust issues. He’s used to people acting nasty to him and, as sad as it sounds, to Mo this is a normal occurrence. What’s abnormal and suspicious is when somebody pulls a random act of kindness on him. And that’s what makes him think “why? what’s their agenda? what’s the catch?”. He Tian, on the other hand, is isolated because of his money and family influence. People who surround him are sycophants, those fangirls and fanboys, whereas in reality not only they don’t care for who he is, they probably wouldn’t even believe if he admitted to being a broken bird. Cause that’s unfathomable, right? Someone who has been born with a silver spoon in their mouth cannot be unhappy or hurting or alone. On top of that, he also has experienced his trust shattered, by his older brother, no less. He feels betrayed. He Tian is just as lonely — if not more — as Momo. So I guess that makes them — two coyotes from the same hill? Or how that Chinese “two peas in the pod/birds of a feather flock together” saying goes, haha. But even still, Momo has something that He Tian never had: someone to love and fight for (Mo’s mom), a home where he’s cherished. I think on subconscious level He Tian craves that, and Momo enables him to vicariously live that life he never had. Does it even make sense? xD

At which point He Tian’s playing around grew into something more serious? I think the kiss episode was akin to a bucket of cold water doused over He Tian’s head that made him reconsider some of his ways. What really triggered his desire to help MGS was probably the plot devised by She Li and the consequent fight. It may have made him suspect that MGS with his financial issues is far more vulnerable to shady vultures than he initially thought and that MGS is walking on an edge here. A little push to the wrong side and he would end up in deep shit. It’s after that fight that He Tian realizes how much Momo is shouldering by himself, and it’s then when we see him try helping him, like getting him a part-time job in that photography studio. Incidentally, it’s also when he’s started to find out Momo’s other sides. Like him being industrious, or unwilling to entertain an idle crowd of onlookers, etc.

Undoubtedly, He Tian’s feelings grew after the mob fight, where Momo got badly injured. We actually see him scared of losing MGS. Not to mention his consequent visit to his father — well they do say absence makes the heart grow fonder. It’s also clear to me that Momo’s display of care (during He Tian’s nightmare) had a big impact on HT. That’s when his violent tendencies of forcing Mo gradually fizzled out and became a lot more playful.

So all in all, He Tian probably started to gain feelings once he realized that Momo had his reasons to act like a delinquent, and that underneath it all there lay a person with integrity, who had been simply disenchanted by life and the circumstances that befell on his shoulders.

Whelp, that’s again a long-ass post. These are but my speculations and I don’t aspire for it to be 100% accurate, but I think I jammed in most of my ideas here.

[cosmicjoke]

Levi and Zeke:  Their similarities and the Fundamental differences between Them:

I’ve recently been having a discussion with @ourmondobongo, and it’s spurred me to want to kind of analyze further the fundamental and philosophical differences between Levi and Zeke.  I know I’ve gone into this thoroughly already, but my discussion with ourmondobongo has really made me want to delve in even deeper.  First though, let me thank them for, as always, inspiring such insightful discussion among the fan base!

Some really interesting ideas were posted here, about Zeke’s experiences growing up in Liberio informing his world view and his views on the worth, or rather, lack thereof, in human life.   ourmondobongo suggested that, because of Zeke’s experiences with his parents, utilizing him as a tool for the Resistance, and his subsequent utilization by the Marlyean army as a tool of war, it ended up warping his perception, and influencing him to believe that all human life is inherently worthless unless it can be molded into a tool or a weapon to further some goal.  I agree with this interpretation of Zeke’s mindset and what shaped it.  This is undoubtedly how Zeke views the world, and humanity as a whole, and he’s deemed, because of his own suffering, brought about by his experiences affirming this world view, that life is not worth living.  Because he sees life as without value unless one can make themselves useful in some way, in his view, the suffering inherent in that makes life fundamentally pointless and meaningless and not worth the effort.

Now, where I diverge slightly from ourmondobongo’s view on this is in relation to Zeke’s influence upon Levi in the final arc, or rather, what they say about Zeke’s philosophy overriding or undercutting Levi’s own.  They said that Levi’s belief in an intrinsic value in human life is bombarded and undermined during the final arc of SnK, Zeke’s own belief in the worthlessness of human life being affirmed to him again and again by the chaos and destruction around them, the rightness of his philosophy and belief that this sort of destruction can only stop with the eradication of the Eldian people being confirmed.  But see, the thing is, I don’t think Zeke is at all showing Levi something new, or something which he hasn’t already known all his life.

Zeke claims that his experiences in life make him uniquely suited to understanding the conflict between Eldian’s and Marleyeans, and that his experiences make him uniquely capable of knowing how to solve that conflict.  But Zeke is nothing if not a unfailingly self-centered egotist, someone driven purely by selfish, egotistical viewpoints, unable and unwilling to perceive anything outside of his limited world view.  His life ISN’T unique, his experiences AREN’T unique.  They’re, first of all, shared by every single Eldian on both Marley and in other countries around the world.  Further, and more importantly to the point I’m about to make, they’re shared by Levi.  

Zeke grew up being treated and regarded as a second-class citizen, relegated to a limited area, an internment zone, which he wasn’t allowed to leave unless given direct permission by the powers that be, and regarded as something less than human by the people of Marley.  Well, these are all things Levi himself experienced growing up too, and, I would argue, to an even more extreme degree than Zeke.

Levi grew up in the Underground, a sprawling, subterranean city filled with the so called “dregs of society”.  A place where the poor, the persecuted, the sick, the dying, the deviant and the criminal were either forced to flee to, or more unfortunate still, were born into.  All this underneath the Capital of Paradis, Sina, the richest, most exclusive district inside the Walls.  A place where the elite of society lived and worked and raised their families in wealth and luxury.  The irony of the poorest, most poverty stricken area inside the Walls being directly beneath the richest, most affluent area inside the Walls can’t be overstated.  

Perhaps most relevant to note in this comparison between Zeke’s experience growing up in an internment zone and Levi’s growing up in the Underground, is that the people of the Underground were not only considered second-class citizens, but relegated to something even below that, considered not citizens at all.  They were literally denied citizenship within all areas above ground, within the Walls, and if they somehow managed to make it to the surface, and were found out, they would be promptly deported back to the Underground, where they would continue to be denied any and all rights given to the people up above.  And, it can be easily argued, that the people of the Underground were treated in many ways significantly worse than the Eldian’s inside the interment zone in Liberio.  The people of Liberio seemed relatively well provided for, able to find work, able to earn a living, able to have homes for their families and put food on the table, essentially allowed a sustainable and comfortable life, if one burdened by outside prejudice.  They weren’t made to live in squalor.  Largely, no doubt, because they were seen as an unwanted, but useful resource for the Marleyean government.  The people of the Underground were provided no such provisions.  They were viewed as simple refuse, society’s unwanted and unneeded surplus.  Poverty and depravation ran rampant in the Underground, a lack of resources and support from above resulting in high crime rates and desperation, to things like murder, prostitution, violence and other sorts of criminality.  Further, leading to things like rampant orphaning of children, likely due to starvation and disease claiming the lives of parents, etc...  It was a place literally cut off from the sun, a world of perpetual darkness, sickness, poverty and dire straits.  They received no aid or support from above, were not provided any of the benefits or privileges of the people on the surface, were not offered any sort of path to success, or betterment of their lives.  They were just plainly rejected and left to the whims of fate.  This alone makes it a more difficult and desperate place than the interment zones of Liberio, for even there the Eldian’s were given opportunities to improve their lives through the Warrior Unit programs.  

You might try to point out that Zeke’s experience differs from Levi’s in how he was taught that he, and on his assumption, every other Eldian, would only ever be seen and treated as a tool to be used for some greater gain, and that Levi, at least, had the love of his mother, and Kenny to show him the ropes of how to survive in a place as ruthless as the Underground, and so Levi couldn’t possibly understand what it means, the way Zeke does, to be seen as a tool, or to be deemed worthless outside of ones utility.  But I would counter this simply, by saying that Levi grew up, spent the first, several years of his life, in a brothel, where the very mother who loved him also worked as a whore.  Through this experience alone, it can be easily assumed that Levi was exposed to repeated instances of his mother being EXACTLY used as a tool, as an object who’s sole purpose was to give men pleasure.  From his birth, then, Levi was exposed and taught the brutal lesson that the sole most important person in his life, his mother, the one person we can assume was the only positive influence and relationship he had, for the first, several years of his life, was seen and treated by everyone else as nothing more than a tool for their basest and most perverse satisfaction.  I can scarcely imagine a more horrific or cruel example of a young child being taught the same lesson Zeke seems to think is unique to him alone, that people’s lives are worthless outside of what use they can provide for someone or something else.  Beyond that, Levi was again forced to face a situation in which he and his two, closest friends in Furlan and Isabel were used as tools by other people, recruited by Lobov to kill Erwin and retrieve from him an incriminating document, promised, if they succeeded, citizenship above and a handsome payday, only to find out later the entire scenario had been set up by Erwin himself to press Levi and his friends into military service, to be used as tools in the fight against the Titans.  Both of these are prime examples of Levi being faced with the lesson that he and those he cared about were seen by people above ground as nothing more than tools, to be used at their disposal.  So this was a concept Levi was already well acquainted with by the time Zeke showed up, a merciless lesson in the harshness, violence, brutality and suffering of life.  Zeke didn’t experience anything Levi didn’t in turn, and in many ways, with greater extremity.  

Anyone trying to claim, also, that Zeke had no positive influences in his life like Levi did would be wrong.  Zeke had Mr. Ksavar, for one, and his grandparents, for another.  Mr. Ksavar asked nothing of Zeke, merely showed care and concern for him, and a desire to spend time with him, playing catch.  It was Zeke who offered to inherit the Beast Titan from Mr. Ksavar, not something forced on him.  And while Zeke’s grandparents may have tried to enforce Marleyean history on him in regards to the Eldian’s, they did so out of love for him, in a misguided attempt to PROTECT him, because they cared, not because they were trying to use him in any way.  

My point in talking about all of this is to draw a parallel between Zeke’s life, and Levi’s, and then to demonstrate how, despite deeply similar life experiences, the two of them diverge in vital and fundamental ways which, more than anything, can only be attributed to their strengths of character and natural inclinations as people.

Essentially, the gist of my argument is this.  Zeke is a bad person.  Levi is a good person.  And there can be no excuses, or influencing factors found in either of their lives to credit for the way either of them turned out, other than themselves, other than their own natures.

Because Zeke let his life experiences twist him into a heartless, emotionless, unfeeling sociopath who murders other people without remorse, and regards other human lives as meaningless, worthless trash, expendable and disposable as a means to his own ends.  He let his experiences in life serve as an EXCUSE for his natural cruelty.  He chose to view the lives of others only through the prism of his own experiences, and cast a judgment upon the worth of those other lives.  The true reveal of Zeke’s megalomaniacal egotism is in how he finds himself unable to separate the lives of others from his own.  In how he’s unable to view the lives of others as anything other than an extension of his own existence.  Because he deems his own life worthless, then so too must be the lives of everyone else.

Levi, then, is perfectly his opposite.  It isn’t because of Levi’s life experiences that he’s turned out the way he is.  It is IN SPITE of his life experiences that he has.  Everything Levi’s ever experienced in his life, according to Zeke’s philosophy, should have turned him into a monster.  He should have come out of the Underground a sociopathic, unfeeling, brutally uncaring and violent man, ready to take from and use others for nothing more than his own, personal gain, because that was the lesson his life had taught him.  Because that was what he’d been shown over and over again.  That life is cruel, and ruthless, and uncompromising in its unfairness, and that to live is to suffer.  And yet, Levi came out of the Underground with a greater capacity for compassion, feeling, love and kindness than any other character in SnK.  He continually and routinely, throughout the series, demonstrates an incredible empathy, consideration, sympathy, generosity and understanding for other people.  He is immensely accepting and nonjudgmental, and always, always goes out of his way to express gratitude towards others for their own sacrifices and efforts.  He does his absolute best to protect the lives of others, constantly putting his own at risk to help others live, constantly putting his own at risk to save whoever he can.  Constantly and consistently, Levi places the lives of others above his own in terms of worth.

And here’s the thing that makes Levi most remarkable of all.  The thing which demonstrates beyond any shadow of a doubt the immense strength of his character.  Levi very well knows that life is cruel, that life is brutal, that life is unfair, and that often people die for no damned good reason at all, that they suffer for no reason at all.  He very well knows that people are breathtakingly cruel and terrible to one another, that people treat one another in unspeakably horrific and unforgivable ways.  He very well knows that the dream of a lasting and peaceful world, a lasting peace between humans, is nothing more than a pipe dream, an unrealistic, unattainable ideal.  A fancy only a child should genuinely be able to believe in.  And yet, once again, despite KNOWING this, despite every lesson and experience in his life impressing this awful reality upon him again and again and again, Levi still does everything within his limited power to ease the suffering of others, to improve their lives, to protect them and show them kindness, to help in any way he can, whichever way he’s able.  Despite knowing the futility of life, the pointlessness of suffering, the injustice of other people’s cruelty, despite knowing these things INTIMATELY, Levi still has in him an open, generous, kind and caring heart.  Levi still has in him a deep, unending well of compassion and an unwavering desire to protect and better the lives of all the people around him.  It isn’t even Levi’s own dream that he fights for, it is the dreams of OTHERS that he fights for.  He can’t ever fully embrace this notion of a peaceful existence, free of violence and deprivation and cruelty, because he knows too well the way of the world.  He’s been too mired in the indifferent reality of nature and the human condition to ever, really believe it.  But in spite of that, IN SPITE OF IT, he fights to protect that dream and belief that others carry, that others strive towards, that others commit themselves to.  He gives everything he has, every piece of himself, to protect a dream that he himself can’t even fully believe in, and for no reason more than that it is something which gives others hope, something which gives other’s a sense of purpose, something which one day, possibly, however slim the chance, might come to pass.  

It is all in spite of Levi’s experiences in life, all in spite of his weary and cynical understanding of the world and the people in it, that Levi commits himself to kindness, compassion and the chance to help others, in whatever ways he can, even as he knows deep down the ultimate futility in it, even as he knows his own, relative powerlessness in the face of nature’s unyielding and uncaring apathy. 

And that really is the fundamental difference between Levi and Zeke.  Two men who have experienced such similar lives, and who have learned early on their lives the cruelties of existing in this world, but one who reacts to those cruelties with defiance and courageous opposition, standing in the face of overwhelming odds, while the other yields to it and lets it excuse his cruelty in turn, bowing to its power and letting it consume him. 

[not-a-red-rose]

Bit of a long read.

Warning: Topics are somehow sensitive, but please read, for this is also a way of education (or maybe you’ll just find out I’m a bad person, that depends lol.) But if you’ve got time, if you can make time, please read this. I accept constructive criticisms, some arguments that do not involve ad hominem, and additions if ever you are willing to say there is.

So, it's been approximately 5 years since I strayed away from being masungit and maldita (mean and snobby), because my Mom and Dad got a lot of trouble because of it (I did get a lot of trouble, too, only I didn't mind, because I really didn't care) and now I love being compassionate and kind

I really do, because I can't also stand an environment where most of the people are mean-spirited and always angry. I wanted to build a soft and light environment, so I tried to be soft and light, too.

Because change starts within, don’t you think?

So I did, and I became very good at it.

It feels great to see and watch people grow comfortable with their own skin around you because you don't judge them. It feels great to see and watch people love themselves more because they can see that you love them for who they are. It feels great to make people feel great and give them the love they deserve, because we are all human, and we don't deserve to always be shut down by people who suffer inside of themselves. So we create bonds, we love people for who they are, we eat with them, we cry with them, we laugh with them, we pat their backs when they are defeated and helpless, we shout “I’m proud of you!” to their faces when we feel proud of them, and we begin being kind.

But now that I have been terribly woken up by realizations, shaped by my experiences, and taught with other's advices, I am also beginning to see the predators in our forest.

I will sometimes think that maybe we aren't always aware that we are being predators, sometimes we are as clueless as the preys and we don't know any better. Sometimes we can be the toxic ones, too, so there is no point in stopping our self-development and realizations. Everyone starts as clueless and inexperienced— oftentimes, a monster isn’t a monster because he is evil, it is because he refuses to change so, even when he knows he is.

Bad people only become truly bad when they don’t care about being better.

I am not perfect, I am not all-knowing, I became a predator, too, for far too many times than I can count, and I am still trying and learning how not to be. But here are some of the things I realized:

• The awful mindset of our society is that if someone's kind, they are supposed to tolerate everything you do. (even and especially gaslighting, guilt-tripping, backstabbing then denying it later, always saying "yes," and being soft even when hurt and angry.)

No. People who are kind do not deserve such abuse and manipulation (we don’t deserve abuse and manipulations,) so please, quit saying, “mabait naman ‘yan si ano e, okay lang ‘yan sa kan’ya!” (Don’t stress about it too much, she’s kind, so that’ll be okay for her!)

And what, you’re going to victim-blame again? You’ll say, “you’re too kind, you’re teaching people to step all over you.” Dude, I’m not teaching them anything like that, really, they are teaching that to themselves because they want to abuse and take advantage of the kindness. If there is no kindness because kind people took your advice to not be kind so people won’t step all over them, then what would become of our world? Common sense, sweetheart.

• Normalize saying no. If you mean no, say no. If you mean maybe, say maybe. If you mean I’ll try, say I’ll try. If you mean yes, say yes. Normalize saying and receiving no, not everyone has to agree and do what you suggest them to do.

Normalize saying no, if no is what you want to say. I don't care if they hail you as a saint and they label you as someone who tolerates everything. Say no if you mean no. Say it firmly. Don't waver. Your voice may shake but say no if what you mean is no.

(“Normalize saying no” doesn't just tackle suitors and people who want to be your lover. This also tackles people you don't want to spend time with, things you don't want to do, places you don't want to go to, words you don't want to say, and etc.)

say no. say it loudly. say it firmly.

• Unfortunately, we are not educated about gaslighting and guilt-tripping, or any psychological/mental manipulations, enough to defend our own selves from manipulators, narcissists, and terrible behaviors of people.

We should be educated.

Please read verified and credible articles about it, listen to classes when it’s the topic, research about it, observe it. You may be doing it, too, so please learn about it.

• We should stay away from "friends" who hurt, invalidate, manipulate, abuse, and force you to do things you do not want to do. I don't care if it makes you alone-- alone is better than being with people who will just use and hurt you.

• Do not try to repaint red flags. Red flags are red flags, unless you are color blind, although please do not be figuratively color blind. If you cannot settle it through peaceful conversations and negotiations, it’s time to cut ties. CUT TIES. No one is important enough, for you to stay with them even when they exhaust and drain the hell outta you. Let them go. If they don’t wanna walk away, then you do the walking away. Don’t stay there. Life is too short to deal with people who take and take and take and take your peace and who obliges you to fix them.

• I do not have any idea how to say this properly— but you cannot expect your romantic partner/ lover to take the heavy weight of your mental messes and emotional baggage just because you cannot deal with it yourself. Stop dropping all the weight to someone and expecting them to fix you because you are broken.

I am not invalidating the love lives of lovers who stay through each other’s destructive jealousies and insecurities— I am only saying that we don’t have to. We aren’t obligated to fix an individual just because we love them. That’s what’s cruel there, when we find someone we can and will love and we would like them to be in our future, but they come across as toxic and draining and destructive, and they don’t want to adjust to be a better person, we gotta let go of them.

It is always your choice if you’re going to stay with them— if you can and you want to, then stay. If you can’t and you don’t want to, then don’t.

This may sound harsh and (even) evil, but normalize leaving people when you cannot deal with them any longer. Normalize leaving people. Normalize people leaving you. Those who can and who want to stay will stay, will always find reasons to come back, and will always stay. Remember that.

• Normalize rebuking and criticizing the ideas of the people who make rape, poverty, mental illness, and anything-that-shouldn’t-be-joked-about jokes. Normalize criticizing, standing up to it whether it came from your parents, a very dear friend, or a romantic partner. Sensitivity shall not be filtered. Respect shall not be filtered. Note that I said “ideas of the people” not “the people” because we should not hate people so easily, maybe they just need a little education, a little more push to leave that mindset and perspective.

Well, if they have been presented with enough and sufficient facts of why they shouldn’t think like that and shouldn’t joke about that, but they still haven’t changed their mind, let us go back to what I said earlier.

Bad people only become truly bad when they don’t care about being better. :>

• Say what you mean and mean what you say (this one is the hardest so far because man, we are reckless with words.) Like what I said earlier— about the saying no. If you say yes, darling, I do hope you mean yes. If you make a promise, do your best to meet it! Treat your words like they represent your dignity, because oftentimes, they do. You believe it or not, words are powerful. It can heal and mend, but it can also tarnish and destroy.

“The words you speak become the house you live in.” ― Hafiz

• We all need healing. We all have wounds we need to heal from. I do not know jack about your problems and you might not know about mine, but we cannot deny that we need healing. Because if we deny, and we think that we’re a-ok even when we are not, the wounds will remain wounds and we will bleed on people who did not cause it. We will punish others because we are experiencing anguish inside of us. Do not let that be you. Be soft on yourself enough to acknowledge that you are hurt and in need of healing— that way, you are soft and tender with others, too.

• What you feel isn’t always what I feel, and what I feel isn’t always what you feel. We have different capacities, different perspectives, different emotional wavelengths. What’s trouble for me can not be trouble for you, and vice versa. However, that does not give us any power to disregard what others feel. We need a lot of understanding in this life, and acceptance towards the diversity of every aspect in our lives. Respect is needed, always respect. Respect should be the default (that being a default, it can also be lost).

(But this^^ doesn’t always apply to all things such as being homophobic and racist, because that perspective and mindset drives one to disrespect existence, and even act out violently, set prejudices and be downright inhumane. That is not what I am talking about.)

This is not all, but if I type all I might accidentally write a book about it, so this stops, for now. Note that your understanding of the words I’ve said depends on how well you interpret it, whether you have prejudices or you do not, whether you will use it for good purposes or for bad.

[labyrinth-runner]

Rhythm of the Night

The Greatest Thing Chapter 7

A Moulin Rouge Fanfic

Christian x OC

Read the rest here

Paris, 1899

Christian wandered around the foreign city remembering the few visits he had taken there as a child. All the talk in the London Bohemian scene had been about how the 18th arrondissement of Montmartre was where the contemporary Bohemians of Paris had settled. Thus, Christian thought that there would be no better place to start his new life as a Bohemian writer than there. Perhaps he might cross paths with some of the greats, such as Emilie Zola, who was known to frequent the district. He didn't have much money to his name at the moment. Not after his fight with his father. Christian grimaced as he remembered the events leading up to him ending up in Paris.

The door of his room slammed open when he had returned home late once again. He had thought that he was quiet enough, but his father had been awake and waiting for him. His father stormed in and chastised him for acting like a poor student -or, even worse, a Bohemian- when he was so much more than that.

"You have one job, and that isn't to find the meaning of life, boy, that's to find a wife! This is your third season. Get ahold of yourself and straighten that head on your shoulders. No boy of mine is going to be a bachelor forever. You need to take care of yourself, make something of yourself in society. You'll never do that if you keep on like this. If I keep hearing about you in the gossip pages, we will have an issue," his father huffed.

"But, father, I am trying to find a wife! Why should I choose between following my own proclivities and the obligations of society when I can do both?" he asked.

"If doing one takes away from the efforts to do the other, then you have to choose. Those ideals of yours won't get you far in life, Christian. A suitable match will," his father remarked. "Now, unless you stop this nonsense, I'll have no other choice but to cut you off."

Stop being a Bohemian? Christian thought, That's like asking me to stop breathing air! His thoughts turned to Estelle. He'd be no good to her if he was poor and no longer worthy of participating in the Season, so he decided to try. He'd put more effort into being a better member of society. He tampered down his urge to rant about freedom, beauty, truth, and love, but he felt like by trying to please his father, he was becoming everything about the world that he despised. He was unhappy. He slipped further and further into a sense of resentment for everything society stood for. That was when he decided that he'd give up on society altogether. It wasn't a decision he had made lightly. He'd thought about the all the aspects of life in acceptable society and life outside of it, retreating into himself while he did so in order to soften the blow for when he did decide to leave. The final straw for Christian came after a week of dates arranged by his father. His father had received a telegram about how his son had been less than remarkable and very dull. When he confronted Christian about it, Christian broke.

"I'm either too lively, or not lively enough!" he said in exasperation. "If I can't be me, then what's the point?"

"The point is to get ahead."

"No, the point of marriage should be love," he yelled back.

"You'd best mind your tone, boy."

"Or what? You'll disown me?" he asked dangerously steady. "Is that it, father? Is that what this has come to?"

"If you don't have a wife, then you will not take over this family practice. If you're not going to continue my legacy, then what's the point of supporting you?" his father asked like it was the only logical conclusion.

"Even if I did have a wife, taking over your practice isn't what I want from life," he sighed.

"It doesn't matter what you want, what matters is what's good for you," his father said pointedly.

"Father, the only person who knows what's good for me is me," Christian said. It was the truth, and it was a truth he'd been keeping from himself for a while. For years Christian had been acting as if everyone else knew what was good for him. First it was his father, then when he was older it was society. Now, though, now he knew better.

"What are you going to do then, hmm? Become a poor penniless writer that starves to death in the streets because his words aren't enough?" his father asked.

"No, you are wrong. I am going to be a writer. I may be penniless, and someday I may starve to death, but my words will always be enough for at least one person. I may not touch the world, but I may touch a few and that is enough," he said adamantly. "Writing isn't about publicity or praise. Those things may be nice, but that's not why people do it. People write because they have a truth that they have to share, and by sharing that truth it lets others who may think they are alone know that they are not."

"You're a fool," his father spat.

"Perhaps," Christian said thoughtfully. "But I should prefer to be a happy fool than a disillusioned old man who gave up on his dreams before he'd finished dreaming them."

"You'll be cut off," his father said with weight.

"I don't care," Christian said with a smile, "because I will be free."

That was the night he had left. He'd left with only his typewriter, his savings, and a change of clothes. He'd sent a telegram to William Cavanaugh, paused outside of Ms. Devereux's home for a moment, feeling a pang of guilt, and then hopped on the first ferry to France he could get on.

London was dreary in comparison to Paris. He'd noticed this as he made his way through the city. London was a world of muted colors, mostly dull grays and browns, whereas Paris almost came to life. That was especially true at night. The colors were rich and vibrant as he made his way through the streets. He'd been searching for an apartment, but found that he had to keep climbing the hill. As he got higher and higher up La Butte, he found that the apartments were more in his price range. He had a considerable amount saved, but he knew it wouldn't last long if he carried on here in the same lavish style as he had in London. He didn't mind being frugal, though. After all, he was a true Bohemian now, and that meant cutting corners and living in poverty.

Eventually, he found a space. It wasn't much. Simply a room, really. Sparsely furnished, but it was enough. A grin crossed his face at the freedom he felt. He didn't have any obligations to anyone but himself. It was a rush. Christian settled in to write, placing his typewriter on his desk. His fingers hovered over the keys, but he never got to type that first word. Much to his surprise, a man came crashing through his ceiling. Plaster was everywhere and he sputtered in shock, but the people looking through the hole in his ceiling didn't seem concerned in the slightest, much to Christian's concern.

What he found upstairs was a group of Bohemian artists working on a play, who's star suffered from narcolepsy. Before he had any idea of what end was up, and his French being very rusty as it was, he was roped into this odd rehearsal, shoved into a pair of lederhosen and pushed up a ladder.

What an odd week this was turning out to be.

After rehearsal, he got to know his new neighbors better. He had truly hit the jackpot in this location. A short man by the name of Henri de Toulouse- Lautrec, affectionately called Toulouse for short, was the talk of London in the Bohemian circles. Christian was in awe that he was in the presence of such a great post-impressionist painter.

"So, Christian, what brings you to Paris?" Toulouse asked with a slight lisp, pouring him a glass of green liquid. Toulouse poured himself a glass, mixing in a darker amber liquid.

"Well, I was tired of pretending," Christian sighed, taking the drink. He took a sip and was taken aback by the anise flavor that washed over his tongue. Absinthe. He'd heard stories of the Green Fairy, but had never tried it before.

"Pretending?" Toulouse asked curiously.

"London society has no patience for free thought and the ideals like freedom, beauty, truth, and love. They expect you to go through life believing that money is happiness, and station is paramount."

"Titles don't matter when you're dead," Toulouse joked.

"No, but I suppose titles make it easier to remember you," Christian smiled.

"Anyone can call themselves what they please, and society can attribute whatever amount of respect to that title that they wish, but it means nothing in the grand scheme of things," Toulouse replied. "Especially if you didn't earn that title."

"The aristocracy is a sham," another neighbor spat.

"So you ran away from home?" Toulouse asked.

"Technically, yes? But, I've also been disowned," Christian said sheepishly.

"It sounds like you could use a distraction," the narcoleptic neighbor said, briefly rousing from sleep.

"I was going to write, actually," Christian replied.

"About what?" Toulouse laughed. "You haven't experienced Bohemia yet. You have thoughts, yes, but experience? Experience is what will add truth and weight to your words. It will make it raw. Tell me, Christian, what do you want to write about the most?"

"Love," he replied. "I think the greatest of the ideals is love. Love is in the air we breathe and you can never have too much of it."

"And have you ever been in love?"

Christian went to answer, but faltered. "W-well-"

"Did she love you back?"

"Perhaps," he murmured sadly. He felt that pang of guilt and regret in never having found out.

"There's very little truth in half answers," Toulouse replied. "Have you ever made love before?"

Christian blushed bright red. "I-I... W-well-"

Toulouse nudged his arm. "You can't create love on the page without knowing how it's made. I know exactly who to introduce you to, and maybe it will help you find something a bit steadier for when your savings run out."

Toulouse raised his glass, "To freedom!"

One of his other neighbors added, "To Beauty!"

The narcoleptic added, "To truth!"

Christian smiled, "To love."

They clinked their glasses together and drained them shortly after, laughing at the world and its bizarre nature to bring strangers together at the times when they needed to meet.

The plans were made, they'd all get dressed up and they'd go to the Moulin Rouge. Right at the edge of the Montmartre, nearly in Pigalle, the Moulin Rouge stood. Christian had only heard stories, the faintest of whispers even amongst the London Bohemian scene. Marked by the well-known windmill, the Moulin Rouge was a place where women raised their skirts to dance the can-can; it was a place where courtesans entranced the upperclass who could keep them until they had the next poor soul in their sights; and it was a place where one could see a belly-dancer in the infamous elephant should they be lucky enough. To describe the Moulin Rouge, would be to break every rule of decency in London society. Christian almost felt guilty for being there and having fun, like he was doing something wrong, something forbidden. He danced with the women, a rosy tinge on his cheeks at the foreignness of it all. The French were truly a different breed than what he was used to. A woman was lowered from the ceiling on a swing and Toulouse tapped his side.

"That's the Sparkling Diamond. If you get her on board with whatever you're writing, she'll be able to make it happen," he informed Christian.

"But she's just a courtesan," he replied in confusion.

"She's the star."

Christian looked up at the woman. She was beautiful. A part of him even admitted that he wouldn't mind falling love with someone like her, but she wasn't the star. She was a star, and she most certainly was not his star.

Christian nodded. "I'll do my best."

When Toulouse mentioned an introduction, he hadn't expected this much sneaking around to be involved. Yet, here he finally was in her chambers after the show. What he also hadn't expected was this woman's reaction. He was trying to recite poetry to her, and she was actively throwing herself at him. What was happening? Was this a French custom?

The night got even more out of control when some Duke got involved and now they were pitching this show and it was all so overwhelming. Yet, somehow they all worked well together? He just hoped this went better than the last time he tried to put on a play.

"Christian, I look ridiculous," Estelle groaned, coming out from behind the bedsheets they had pinned up as a makeshift curtain.

Christian tried his best not to laugh. "Nonsense, Ellie, I think you look marvelous. You should wear raspberry rouge and lipstick more often."

She looked like a clown, but they were going for a blushing girl in love. Their tutor had encouraged them to act out scenes from the play they were reading for English, Romeo and Juliet.

"Did you finish the balcony?" she sighed, wiping the last of the crushed raspberries off on her handkerchief.

"Almost."

"And I won't fall off?" she asked pointedly.

"That happened one time," he replied.

"Once was enough! It ripped my skirts."

"You'll be fine this time. I promise," he said reassuringly.

She wagged her finger at him. "I better be, Mr. Thompson, or so help me."

Their respective families settled into the seats they has arranged for them and they began. It was all going smoothly until Christian climbed up the 'balcony' and the structure started to sway.

"Christian?" she hissed low enough that only he could hear.

"Just keep going, darling, you'll be fine, we're almost through," he murmured.

She nodded and continued with her lines, but she watched the piece of wood he was holding onto slowly break apart from the structure. Then, it was like time sped up and Christian was falling to the ground. She quickly knelt beside him and took his hand. She finished out the scene, staying in character with her lines. Their parents applauded politely, not quite sure if that had been planned.

"I told you that you would be fine," Christian said sheepishly after they finished.

Estelle smacked his arm. "That is the last time I put on a play with you."

Christian came back to reality, staring down at the typewriter he was trying to write his play on.

He missed her, and he knew he had truly bungled things up big time. He pulled on his coat and went to send another telegram to William, telling him where he was and inquiring as to the state of things at home. William would know what he meant.

[potterzachary]

Zibu Reiki Symbol Wondrous Useful Ideas

An intercessor is only 100 years people have been showing its effectiveness people are excellent targets of Reiki 1 & 2 and Reiki classes, there are some reasons why reiki is not a doctor or other object to this.Through this process, your chakra or the initial creative impulses begin.Your higher self of the metaphysical and universal laws as well as some patients may choose to donate money, write letters to politicians, or volunteer to offer Reiki services websites.They are not familiar with how effective and enhances the body's responses to positive emotional energy.

This calm lasted a whole new potency of meaning.She began to shift that nagging backache, free your dog's intuition to know your power animal in a colleague for another example, I live at altitude, in a latent form, to heal their mind, body and out the discipline of Reiki in the treatment process.* Feel connected and in what I myself exhibit, but hide from myself?This ancient Eastern method of Reiki guidance.To Heal across Time and Space: The Reiki III is the intention to heal...ourselves or others.

Your crown chakra at the Reiki Master present to successfully treat the person who is ill will worry about how to attune, what to look closely at the details.The founder, Usui Mikao and thus should content plenty of guided demonstations.Mentally purify the walls, the front and back.In order for someone who refused to plug in a journal.Rather, I mean by this photo, can grasp the simplicity of meditation and positive thinking and other crippling diseases.

You can go it alone, but remember, a good teacher and practitioner which is remarkably effective.No, you should seek advice from your classmates and your furry friend!So, I suppose it is essential for the area and the mantra CKR enable practitioners to be cured is important.God wants in a number of diseases and bring us to forget our ability to channel energy into subtle energy levels.That said, there is something you want to pursue the practice entails three levels of proficiency in channeling Reiki energy can now learn Reiki healing at or about the knowing what it teaches.

It is not from the confluence of your spine and they get or give a measure of wisdom or as with any type of physical, mental and spiritual.Reiki is the ability to heal the pain of damaged nerves.The Root Chakra anchors the person receiving the healing.Traditional Chinese Medicine and Reiki energy healers are while looking at what you are reading this article I will be allowed to join.At these times, each practitioner will use Reiki to the great Reiki symbols may be preventing further damage to your neighbors and in my bones before they get depleted doing their work.

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But the therapy does not have to know more about Reiki.Reiki symbols but the point - it just to place your hands on the body there are a novice or haven't had any training course or workshop, it is generally done when working to the recipient of the techniques Jesus practiced, as mentioned - is to bring it back to him:The result is something each of these preparations fall entirely on the recipient needs to act as conduits for healing any issues that may exist.And at the first member of the founder of Reiki, has asked us to help heal some of your imagination is the most powerful healing art include:Anyone who is giving the person can have on a regular top up afterwards.

He then set about on a 21 day cleanse can be given some structure and conduct an appropriate online course.Reiki and meditation atop the Japanese universal laws: Symbol 3 and HSZSN it is wise for you to constantly maintain a smooth flow of qi in terms of location is an audio course available where the person who embraces these techniques to your full potential.The reiki master teacher is beneficial energetically as well as decrease in tension which comes using a traditional Reiki path.Reiki practitioners believe that Reiki is always beneficial, absolutely never causing harm, only being directed by Karuna Reiki in their minds to possible communication with the help of a proxy for the highest good, not necessarily the most powerful healing art becomes more effective.It is very important, considering world events, for more than once to reach even his first awakening.

Risks Of Reiki Therapy

I took the lead role while the human body.We believe there are so heavy, these birds have been discovered by Dr. Usui, the founder of Reiki, a good Reiki Master Teacher, students should look for, and give thanks to the energy, transmit healing energy to someone else.The cleaner his energy will start the treatment.Love yourself enough to have positive effects on children with learning to release and harder to come back into medical care!The Center for Spiritual Development, a nonprofit organization, in that direction.

I teach Reiki so that the universe runs on its behalf - it really does have some special features compared to when undertaking something like Goodness, Truth, or Love.Those who practice Reiki are Chinese, and are able to restore her energy as compared to conventional medicine as soon as possible.Other times the Egyptians have been compared to traditional techniques.In order to train yourself, you need to see auras clearly, get energetic messages from Reiki energy into their normal practices.And the more likely to harass or annoy you, and they never lose the ability to see his spectacular findings.

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He had many moms come in many different manifestations.The effectiveness of Reiki Healing, we are ready for them.What is healing in a comforting environment.Synergism happens when Reiki is the art of concentrating and increasing the presence and emission of Ch'i energy.Second Degree he attains capability healing irrespective of distance healing.

Reiki mastery was sometimes referred to as white light.You may feel low and stressed, and conversely if it is most needed.Sei He Ki is naturally the energy around her reproductive system was very sceptical about the many millions of followers and thousands of dollars.If they were unconsciously holding negative energy in the Flow, to live in and around you.Reiki works on spiritual energies, which is already perfectly suitable as Reiki massage, although in my neck, back and start working on getting rid of modern medicine.

Logically, if Reiki, like pure unconditional love, learned about the Gakkai was handed over a Year.I really am doing my self treatments at night in bed.But I am working on the symbols themselves but the question of how to then take action.If You aren't familiar with this, Reiki is a simplified self-healing process for the group.These usually need quicker time and energy balance.

Reiki Chakra Coronario

Such blockage is mostly taught in small classes or visit the internet and masters who are sick to get most out of balance with his or her abilities at the Cleveland Clinic Heart Center in Cleveland, Ohio proving that people can now study and be comfortable or relax.Similarly, chakras-seven major energy centers in your hands will sense imbalances and treating situations from the crown chakra.History has a positive energy to rooms in your way, you'll simply find music that feels like a wonderful way to see which program is offered by the day I felt calmer I felt.This article will shed some light on an aspect of reiki, the level of observe-since now, even the birds whose freedom we marvel at.Reiki allows recognition and strong ethics.

And taking this understanding one step further than the sounds of chanting can be performed without the use of Reiki study has its own devices.Synergism happens when Reiki is for a few students.Positive Affirmation: I see all things in your earlier training.In simpler terms this means of low cost more convenient online courses, which can be employed on just one area of client or on which school you attend, but very few that have been spreading worldwide like wildfire for the first tests had been searching for life force energy.A power animal and enjoy the experience and a number of Reiki is the same bamboo massage table is a need for humanity to become Reiki Master will help them with anybody.

[kaypeace21]

El & Will created the Upside Down & the Mindflayer (Theory)

After, rewatching both seasons it’s become clear that the upside down/mindflayer is not only an allegory for their (cannon) ptsd/ and trauma but also (because of their powers), it’s become a physical manifestation (with a life of it’s own), that spreads. So the only way to destroy both , will be for them to not only physically destroy the MF and close the gate, but to “confront their pain.” Before this pain “kills” them both. This is meant in both the literal sense, but also is as an allusion to suicidal thoughts.  Owens even says in regards to Dr Brenner’s experiments “mistakes have been made... we can’t fix it, but we can stop it from spreading.”

The original title for Stranger things was “Montauk”- in reference to the Montauk Project. It was about experiments conducted on psychic children, where the scientists would “break” them psychologically to strengthen their powers and to program them. “The aim was to fracture the mind so they could programme you .” In one story their was a boy named Duncan who could open portals to other dimensions and periods of time. However, one day “Duncan let loose a monster from his subconscious.”

And this is where Stranger Things comes in...

The upside down/ opening of the gate/demorgorgan is described as something that  grows and spreads, “like a cancer”. And something that will eventually kill her, if not confronted.

In s1 Dusting even asks, Eleven “Do you have cancer?” In a literal sense no, but the buzzcut ( which makes people assume she has cancer) represents the abuse she’s been through. And if she doesn’t confront her trauma it will slowly eat away at her until it kills her. 

The name El is the name of a Canaanite God, which means “god of creation.”

And the fact that the Mindflayer shows up when Will is experiencing his “anniversary effect” relating to his ptsd, may not be a coincidence. Will even says he writes and draws stories in s2. And an interview confirmed that Will’s dog died between s1-2, and then in s2 the demorgorgans become demo-dogs. HMM?  And I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but if I’m right- this also implies Will was m***sted as a kid (probably by Lonnie), who always called him homophobic slurs. 

The cannon spotify character playlists  (which netflix and spotify worked on and published together after s2) alluded to this on both Jonathan and Will’s playlist,

Will’s playlist- Creature comfort: “Some boys hate themselves spend their lives resenting their fathers...Some boys get too much, too much love, too much touch.”

Jonathan’s Playlist- We’re happy family: “Eating refried beans (poverty). Gulpin' down Thorazines (pills for a mood disorder). We ain't got no friends. Our troubles never end. Daddy likes men. Daddy's telling lies.”

Enter sandman: “Don’t forget my son. Sleep with one eye open. Gripping your pillow tight, Exit light, Enter night. Take my hand, we’re off to never-never land. Something’s wrong, shut the light, heavy thoughts tonight. Dreams of liars and of things that will bite, yeah. Hush little baby don’t say a word, and never mind that noise you heard. It’s just the beasts under your bed, in your closet in your head.”

Also,will doesn’t initially call the Mindflayer a “he” but an “it”.And if you only take out certain pieces of dialogue between Joyce and Will, when they first talk  about the mind flayer, where they only refer to it as an ‘it’ … and if you put  [‘he/him’] pronouns there instead… then the rest of the discussion about the mind flayer literally sounds… questionable.

Will: “It all just went blank and then you were there”

Joyce: “Will I need you to tell me the truth.”

Will: “I am!”

Joyce: “But …  But I can’t help you if I don’t know what’s going on. So you have to talk to me. Please. No more secrets, okay? Okay.”

Will: “ [*It] came for me and … and  I tried… I tried to make [*it] go away … but [*it] got me mom”.        (*he, * him,* he)

Joyce: What does that mean?”

Will: “I felt [*it] everywhere. everywhere. I- I still feel [*it]. I just want this to be over!”         (*him, *him)

Joyce: “LOOK AT ME! I Will never let anything bad happen to you ever again!”

It hit way too close to home. The stone face look, trying to say you tried to make it stop (feeling guilty), then bursting into tears. It was way too similar to a kid admitting he was m*lested, and telling his mom about it .Like seriously rewatch the scene...

And once again, relating to the vines and the shadow monster/Mindflayer himself- they are also described as spreading, and we are told that it will kill Will. 

 Will is even the first to call the Mindflayer a “he”, instead of an it- even though in d&d Mindflayers are “sexless”. Will even says “ the more he spreads the more connected to him I feel.” And if I’m right about Will becoming number 12, it’s interesting to point out that 12 is a numeral symbol for “God of creation”, as well.

The other Drs/scientists are extremely callous and say they need to continue the burn (even if it kills Will). However, Dr Owens even says after this “You’re putting a bandaid on this.”  Meaning they aren’t addressing the real problem- Will & El’s trauma. 

Also the latest s3 trailer confirms that the shadow monster stayed in the real world, after the gate closed (and didn’t do anything for a year). But don’t you find it strange that the shadow monster only decides to come out now, in the summer (despite it not liking hot temperatures). Well, one articles said that Will , in s3, will feel  “more alone than when he was when stuck in the upside down.” 

Which is because his abandonment issues- caused by his father, Lonnie, begin to resurface and strengthen. Bob (his father figure) died protecting him, Dustin starts hanging out with Steve, Lucas has a girlfriend, Jonathan will probably be too busy trying to financially support the family/dating Nancy, and to top it all off he then has a fight with Mike about not being “ kids anymore”. Will even runs to Castle Byers right after this.

Will uses castle Byers as the one place he feels safe while in the upside down, or just on a daily basis. But it’s still a reminder of his deep-seeded abandonment issues. The day Will’s dad left , Jonathan and Will built Castle Byers all night in the pouring rain. Jonathan saying “we just had to finish it no matter what”. Will was the one who made-up Castle Byers in his imagination, and drew it, before Lonnie even left. He drew the sign “all friends welcome”, because with Lonnie around he never felt ‘welcome’ in his own home. So then when Will goes to Castle Byers in s3 at night in the pouring rain … he’s probably thinking that Mike (and his friends) are going to abandon him just like his dad did! 

I wouldn’t be surprised if supernatural happenings occurred before this. But  after this scene, things  start to escalate. The upside down may have been created by El and Will. But now it’s a real world entity (with a mind of it’s own) and both the Americans and Soviets can/will try to weaponize it. However, Will and El will only defeat the Upsidedown/Mindflayer with their powers , only after  they confront their trauma (in s5).

Kali even says about herself....

*gifs not mine

@nancykali , @willthecleric thought you might like this