#lesson learned i don't think i should ever think that i have the patience to wait for a game i am this excited for klj;gklh

[starwell-tarot]

PAC: What part of you requires some introspection this summer? ⛱️

Pick a pile reading: What aspect of yourself or your life needs some thinking over? What questions should you be asking yourself this summer to get to know yourself better?

Pile 1-3, left to right

Pick the picture you feel most drawn to. If you feel drawn to more than one of them, you can read the interpretation to multiple piles.

Disclaimer: All my readings contain themes of mental and emotional struggles and pains as they strive to comfort those. I don't intend on rubbing you the wrong way and I'm doing this with the hope I can help people feel better, but if it doesn't work I might just not be the right person to comfort you.

Disclaimer: I'm not a mental health professional in any way. Although my tarot readings focus on giving emotional and mental reassurance, I can only give you as much as a friend could give you - encouraging words, friendly advice, a shoulder to cry on or a metaphorical hug. Please take in the information responsibly, and if your mental health is greatly affecting your day to day functions, please consider looking for a professional if possible. I'm afraid I can't be more than a tarot-enthusiastic friend.

Take what resonates and leave what doesn't. Take care of yourselves and remember hope is your best friend. 🖤

Pile 1 - VIII of Pentacles, Four of Wands, Knight of Swords, Balsamic Moon

Who do I dream of becoming?

The key elements in your reading are your dreams and hard work.

It seems like you have a very clear idea of how your ideal life would look like, and it's beautiful. So beautiful in fact, that the cards depict a twirling dance, gracious and romantic. There is a version of you that you have fallen in love with, but I fear you think it's unreachable. You might have put some work into it already, into reaching your goals, and yet you still feel far away from what you want to achieve. But do not rush.

No big dream in life is easily accessible to grab. They require patience and perseverance, and a lot of obstacles must be overcome before you can finally feel you've gotten everything you ever wanted. The key here is, you must avoid self-sabotage. Perhaps you are insecure, or you lack self-belief, or you get easily discouraged. Know that failure is only the path to success, so look into the lesson you can learn from your mistakes, instead of letting them consume you. Look ahead to the future fully, and break down the demons in your head into tiny little digestible pieces. Identify all of your obstacles, the things (or people) that might stand in-between you and the version of you you dream of. Think of ways you can solve these obstacles, one by one, slowly and surely. Go into the smallest of details when you question what is stopping you, where exactly you stand right now, and everything you want to achieve. Plan and be meticulous.

The balsamic moon gives the advice that, in order to become this dream version of yourself, you must first let go of all the limitations you've put onto yourself, taken from the past you've lived. Your past circumstances should not define you anymore, and you must allow yourself to change and live as though you are truly reborn into the person you want to be. 💚

Pile 2 - The Lovers R, Knight of Wands, Balsamic Moon

Who am I becoming?

The key elements in your reading are self-image and transformations.

It seems that for a very long time, you thought you knew exactly who you were and what you needed. You didn't feel much need to change the way you were doing things, and you were wearing your own personal colors permanently, and they were painting a self image of you. And lately, there's new colors on the canvas. And you don't know what to do with them. It is almost like discovering there's a whole another person living in your body, a strange experience of newly acquired self-knowledge. This can be uncomfortable, but know we as people are always expanding. Whether you are changing for good or for bad (this is also subjective) it is something you must embrace and address. If you fear you are turning into an unknown, malefic force, figure out what is making you act this way, and face the demon in the mirror. There's darkness in all of us, and we're allowed to be imperfect, but we must not let it consume us. Tell the darkness you see it, you acknowledge it and you'll work hard to heal it so that it doesn't burst out again. If you feel you're turning into something unfamiliar and strange, but not exactly bad, you must address what it brings into your life. Perhaps it's a change you needed. Perhaps you're on your path to growth, and that's always confusing.

All in all, do not resist strangeness and changes in yourself - instead, identify these changes, welcome them in, and let them talk to you. Let them tell you what they need from you, what presents they bring, or what old beliefs they want to replace. The balsamic moon gives the advice that you should be open to change, for that's what defines the future moment. The past cannot change, it is merely a limitation. Do not limit yourself, and instead let the future gently sway you. 💛

Pile 3 - Ace of Cups, Knight of Wands, New Moon

Why am I afraid of saying yes?

The key elements of your reading are self-love and opportunities.

I feel like you are in a very strange situation of almost… procrastinating self-love. You know you deserve more, but you cannot bring yourself to accept it. But deep inside, you know.

Deep inside you know you bring beautiful things into the world. Deep inside you know your quirks are not negative as you see them. Deep inside I think you know you deserve all the love in the world. You simply must accept it, so that you can finally let yourself receive all the beautiful things you've been denying yourself of having. I fear what is keeping you stuck is heavy and tangled, binding you to this version of yourself that is afraid to ask for more. These binds must be untangled. Try to think why you are denying all the blessings - what makes you believe all of these negative things about yourself? Once you find the cause, ask yourself if that situation is, in fact, still relevant to the person you are today. Once you let go of your old belief systems, you can finally be free. And if the fear of change is strong, or you cannot let go of your beliefs, ask yourself: what is the worst thing that could happen if I love myself a bit today? Who's stopping me from doing that?

The new moon gives the advice that the hardest part of everything is always the start. However, once you begin to allow a little kindness, a little love to grace you, things will slowly become less and less uncomfortable. Baby steps can take you a long way. It is time you allow your life to become beautiful. 💙

I hope this reading was useful to you!

Please consider leaving some feedback so I know if my readings resonate well. 🖤

While introspection is hugely important for self development, do not forget having fun is just as important for the mental health! So go have fun this summer 😉

If you enjoy my work, please consider buying me a Ko-Fi.

©starwell-tarot do not copy, translate or repost.

[heal-the-ashes]

i'm thinking about pl and—like always—i get emotional after anything regarding this series. these stories. the ebb and flow of cherished laughs and pained expressions, the give and take of funny dialogues and heartbreaking reveals. when the end credits songs just wash over the entire experience with additional thoughts (usually angst-y in my case). when you've realized the story you just witnessed and the story that you felt apart of will stay with you for times that seem ephemerally immemorial...

[Slight Miracle Mask and Unwound Future Spoilers near the end]

these games don't show happiness and sadness. they don't show the positives and negatives of how a scene should flow. they don't just have dialogue and action and tone and intonations. 

they have perseverance amidst tragedy, the rose within the thorn, the sun within the bleak clouds. they show that everyone in this series is human. they somehow made me feel—and not in some type of pity way—for those npcs who were stuck on what i thought was the easiest puzzle in the world. there was no humiliation, no real sense of judgement. there was respect and patience and... and there was disappointment, only in one's self. there was no invalidity of emotions. yes, there were invalid actions, but i don't have a single memory of anyone saying another character was stupid for feeling a certain way. there was passive acceptance all around and across the series, there was no stuck-up sounding laughter; no one (to my memory) ever called another stupid for messing up.

and hershel layton is one of the most human characters i have ever seen. 

i saw a fanart that consisted of hershel in different stages of life. it made me emotional, because: 

in each stage of his life that was depicted there… it wasn't growing up. it wasn't milestones of age, it wasn't certain accomplishments in his character. it showed each time he has lost someone. and god does it break my heart to see and realize that he. is still. here. the amount of pain PL characters have gone through just breaks my heart.

and i am so glad and so honestly inspired to know that. and i feel so awful for thinking my problems are bad when i look at the greatest person to ever exist in media ever, who was shaped by traumas far beyond my own. and that is not an understatement: i genuinely believe professor hershel layton is my favorite character in any media. because he and his games tell you that there is more to life than pain. and it is a lesson that i am so glad that i can finally see someone else tell.

miracle mask and unwound future are two of my favorite games because they're the games that tell the audience that he is human. it reveals how he despises—he loathes, he hates—… not emotions. no, not sadness, not regret, not remorse, not disappointment, not pain. no, none of that. 

he hates certain parts of himself. he hates how he dealt with grief. he hates it when he's shown with "proof" that he's gone and done the very thing he swore not to ever do. he doesn't even hate anyone else even though he has so much right to. he should've cussed out bronev off screen. he should've yelled at bill hawks. he shouldn't of saved clive but god what did he do. he saved clive. he saved randall. 

oh, how love is a weapon. this is it. this is one of the greatest examples of how love is a weapon in storytelling. it's not even platonic love between the characters, its the love the audience has for the characters. stories like these twist this and they do it well. but, anyway—

when i was younger, i thought hershel layton was foolish. i thought he was stupid. i used to think: "what is he doing? someone hurts him, why doesn't he want to hurt them back? what's wrong with him that he doesn't want revenge?"

i couldn't of been more... wrong about how he sees the world.

no, he's the one of the greatest persons i've ever seen in media. i've learned so much from him and the PL series as a whole. i've learned something from each and every character. [what i learned from bronev and bill hawks is just to not be them.] 

layton is the kindest person i've seen. there is no earned malice anywhere near him. he doesn't purposefully aggravate others. he isn't mean, he's not one you'd call angry. he's patient and understanding, and he was made from pain. 

if every person was at least a little bit like him, i think the world would be a better place. a place where no one has to be made from pain.

[ghostaholics]

𝒉𝒐𝒍𝒅 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒑𝒆𝒂𝒄𝒆

PAIRING(S): Simon ‘Ghost’ Riley x fem!Reader (established situationship but this is a very short stand-alone drabble) SUMMARY: Simon’s had enough. Maybe you shouldn’t have been such a little shit; maybe you should’ve shut your mouth the first time he suggested it. WARNING(S): unprotected p-in-v-sex; sub/dom elements; panty-gagging; reader is bratty; references to anal but no actual attempt included; my complete and utter disrepect of proper grammar rules

𝑴𝑨𝑺𝑻𝑬𝑹𝑳𝑰𝑺𝑻

❝ FUCK ME. ❞

It’s hissed between clenched teeth, impatient. You mean it as a snide comment, to get under his skin.

Bold, considering that he's got you ostensibly trapped under him, the solid weight of him pinning you down as he straddles the back of your thighs, flattening your front against the mattress. He'd guided you into position easily enough: on your stomach, face down.

“Aren’t I?” His tone is untroubled, unhurried. As though he’s not fully seated inside you – and he has been, for quite some time actually, without moving, merely keeping himself nestled in the warmth of your cunt like he doesn't have any other intentions beyond that. The only thing worse than when he's mean is when he's indifferent; can't be bothered to care. You can deal with a pissed off Simon, not whatever the hell this is. It doesn't even have anything to do with what he wants; it’s only about teaching you a lesson.

You'd wanted to feel the drag of his cock through your walls, to feel him thrust so deep it'd practically kissed your cervix – a constant reminder of the sheer size of him. Completely full, taking him to the hilt.

And he had done that, hadn't he? But then he fucking stayed there. Agonizingly still.

Simon husks a warning in your ear: “Don’t think you’re in any position to be making demands, sweetheart. We're gonna have to do something about this mouth – gag you, maybe."

You huff out your annoyance. “Wouldn’t do either of us any favors. Especially since you like me loud.”

"I don't mind change," he says. "Besides, still got plenty of other holes to fill in the meantime."

"You actually gonna do something about it, or is it all talk and no show?"

“Maybe learn some bloody patience.”

It flies out of you without much thought. “Be a better teacher then.”

Ah, shit—

“Christ, fuckin’ shut up," Simon finally snaps, tired of your input.

Yeah, that did it.

Out of the corner of your vision, you see his arm reach for your panties that'd already been discarded earlier. Ever the improviser, Simon scrunches it up in his fist to ensure that it's tamped down to the perfect size. Not that it hadn't already been small in the first place, but it'll be easier to take now.

You make a small, little noise of astonishment. If it weren't for practice, you might've choked; you've had to swallow him before, relax your throat to accommodate the entirety of his cock, so it makes almost no difference when there's something else stuffing you full like this.

It's a measly scrap of fabric, thin and delicate – lace clamped between teeth, filling the cavern of your mouth. You should feel scandalized. After all, it'd already been soaked from the way he'd edged you earlier, liquid pooling onto the material so profuse that it'd been allowed to gather, accumulate, saturate.

You’d been thoroughly drenched.

Now your own arousal sits on your tongue, wet and heavy, and sweet.

Heat blooms across your face. Fuck, you shouldn't be turned on. This is humiliating. He's making you taste yourself the way he'd done (when he'd eaten you out, buried his face into the heat of your cunt and coaxed enough orgasms from you to leave you shaking) except this is in a far more degrading fashion.

You'd probably be adamant about that belief if it wasn't for the sudden gush of slickness now coating your inner thighs where you and Simon are joined together.

Small dribbles of saliva begin to leak out of the corners of your mouth. You’re forced to breathe through your nose, inhale deeply.

And, great.

All you can taste and smell is yourself. There's nothing in your empty fucking head but white noise. Static – a majority of your senses devastated by Simon; you relinquish control over to him, a surrender of some sort. Every single nerve ending is overwhelmed.

“I like you better this way. Should've done this ages ago."

Your moan is muffled, unintelligible. You're not even entirely sure what you had to say.

"Yeah, exactly," he agrees. Like the bastard he is.

Simon's touch is heavy, searing everything he comes into contact with. His fingers travel down the curve of your spine; they're conscientious, wandering over the expanse of your skin – purposeful – trailing further south (more), right to your ass where that tight ring of muscle is waiting for him, empty. “So now that I’ve got your mouth and cunt occupied, what do you think I should do with this, sweetheart?”

[averseunhinged]

it's that time again! wip wednesday, day of suffering and reluctant sharing.

this week's offering is from the soulmate au from ages ago, the middle of which is a total disaster. so, idk how much of this is going to end up in the finished product. or if there even will be a finished product. you know how it goes. i poked at it for a couple of days, but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

if you want to read the previous bits, it was this and then this.

“What did the Salvatores teach you about blood sharing with another vampire?”

“The only thing I ever learned from Damon was superhuman patience," she scoffed. "Stefan got really uncomfortable and gave me some speech about urges and experimentation and being careful. And saving myself for marriage, I think? Which I still don't really get, but he's grandpa-times-five old. Maybe that sort of thing lingers. So, I gave him a pass on the unexpected abstinence-only moment.”

Elijah allowed himself a fraction of a moment to shut his eyes in pain at the sheer incompetence. “That sounds stunningly inaccurate. Though, he was correct on one point. It is not to be taken lightly."

"I," she began and twitched forward, reaching out to brush nonexistent dust from the dash. "Yes. I got that much from it. The keep your fangs to yourself lesson, not the--"

Her blush was vivid. Obvious, even in the sedan's dim interior.

“My brother made an error of judgement," Elijah continued as gently as he could manage. "He did something he should not have without your permission, counting on your ignorance. It was wrong. I will not deny that. But I hope you understand there was little chance he could have known the repercussions of his actions, and he has suffered greatly for them. We all have.”

"Explain," she ordered. If the situation had been less serious, he might have allowed himself more amusement from the liberties she took.

"When blood is shared between two vampires, it creates a sort of," he paused for a moment of thought before continuing delicately, "closeness, limited and short-term, beyond the physical. In most cases, one does not court a stranger’s fangs.”

“Most cases?”

“My father fed primarily on other vampires, not merely because he hated them, but for the perversity of the act. The violation.”

“That's--” Caroline trailed off.

“Yes. When he was human, he was a man of his time, and not a singularly bad one, at that. He loved his wife and family in the way men did--with brutality. However, he ensured we went without as little as possible and taught us the same. You might not care for his methods, but he shaped us into the people we needed to be: competent, hard-laboring survivors.”

Her mouth opened and closed again as she fought her instinct to argue, perhaps understanding he had little interest in her perspective. They may have originated from the same location, but Caroline was a staggering number of generations on from his family's origins. Mikael was a monster, there was no question. Elijah didn't need her to explain that. Mikael was also wildly successful by tenth century standards.

“And then he turned?” she finally asked, having edited out the less relevant commentary on the matter.

“And then he turned,” Elijah agreed. “It amplified an ugliness within. The raider of his youth. A marauder and a conqueror.”

“I don't think I want to know this.”

“You must.”

“Why must I? Why are you doing this? He has a baby, and a bitchy werewolf baby mama, and a whole other life, while I'm here, cleaning up the mess he left behind. Why do I have to solve his problems, too? I don't have time for this.”

Elijah smiled, a scant tilt of the mouth he tipped his chin to hide. How they snapped and snarled, she and his brother, as they tried to escape traps only they could see. He had no doubt she drew blood with her sharp tongue, vicious as Klaus with his bite.

“Yes," he agreed. "We are all running out of time, but it is important you fully understand what has occurred.”

“Why? Why now?” she begged, staring down at her hands, now tightly clasped.

“As in many areas, intent does play a role. Niklaus backed himself into a corner, magically speaking, and has been driven half-mad adhering to it, along with the numerous demands placed upon him. He made you a promise--a vow, one you reinforced upon your parting--without knowledge of the repercussions. In the time since, his mental state has deteriorated. As has yours, by your own admission, to a lesser degree."

He glanced away from the road, wanting a better gauge than his peripheral vision could provide. Eyes wide, Caroline slowly shook her head in denial, but seemed to have lost any verbal argument she might have had.

"He is an original hybrid, the only of his kind. Even he does not know the finer points of the magic from whence he was formed. Perhaps, he should have known better than to take such a risk with you, with himself, but if I have correctly parsed his explanation, the exchange of blood is not an act in which he has partaken in many centuries. Even then, it was a brief period of experimentation, given that he found the results uncomfortable. Until he a found himself desperately unhappy in New Orleans. He wished to carry a piece of you, of the contentment your presence gifted him. It was meant to be temporary. It is temporary, when the act is between vampires."

"But he's a werewolf, too."

"He is both, and neither," Elijah clarified.

[loominggaia]

"Crazy in Love" explanation

The following text is about an unreleased Looming Gaia story, so it will contain major spoilers. Read at your own discretion!

I just wanted to explain a decision I made for a story, which might seem controversial.

So, I've said previously that I think Zov would be too psychologically damaged to ever have a romantic relationship. If you saw that post, then you're probably confused about the plot of "Crazy in Love", so I just want to explain why I changed my mind about this.

As I wrote the drafts for Zov's saga, I got to develop him more as a character. He started to grow on me, and I felt like I got a better understanding of where he's at mentally and what kind of person he is. I felt the same way about Lilian early on, and now I feel differently about her too. Previously I've said that she probably shouldn't be in a romantic relationship because she's too damaged, and there's no way a relationship with her could be functional.

I changed my mind about both of these characters, and strangely enough, I think they're a perfect match for each other. They've both been imprisoned, used, and abused their entire lives. Neither of them knows how to behave in normal society, yet they're both highly motivated to learn and grow.

However, I do want to clarify that if left to their own devices, no, I don't think these characters should be involved with anyone romantically--especially not each other. That's obviously an abuse scenario waiting to happen. But in the case of "Crazy in Love", they're in a unique situation where they're both being coached and supervised by their mentors while they learn how to be in a relationship.

Like, they literally build a lesson plan around courting eachother and turn it into a classroom experience. It's funny and awkward, but it's the only way they can make it work because they are both so far behind in their social development. In the end it actually works well for them, as unconventional and weird as it may be.

Zov has to learn how to interact with people properly and express emotions in a mature way, rather than using violence. Lilian has to learn how to stand up for herself and not fawn over men who abuse her, because she is unfortunately drawn to that behavior after being conditioned by Dario for so long.

Without someone there to coach them, I believe Lilian would end up in another Dario-like scenario with Zov. Not because Zov is evil like Dario (he's not), but because he truly doesn't know how to interact with women beyond abusing them, which Dorzlaf forced him to do to arena slaves for all those years.

Zov truly loves Lilian. But he's never been in love before, he doesn't know what to do with that emotion, and he was conditioned to see women as nothing but brood mothers his whole life. He doesn't see Lilian that way and he doesn't want to hurt her, he simply does not understand what else to do with her. He has no idea how healthy, happy couples express love.

He just knows that he feels strongly for her, and at first that manifests as this aggressively possessive behavior. He doesn't want her to talk to other men, to do this or that, and his first instinct is to hit her when she disobeys him because that's all he knows. It's the way his "loving" master, Dorzlaf, treated him as a father-figure. Of course Patience steps in to correct this behavior immediately, and Zov is willing to open his mind to learning new ways from her because he genuinely cares for Lilian. He learns that he can express love with tenderness rather than violence, which he previously did not even realize was an option.

The very same thing can be said for Lilian. She was conditioned to believe abuse = love for her entire life. Dario taught her that women are inferior to men and must serve them like slaves. Even though she knows better now, she's still learning to break herself out of those habitual behaviors of cowing to men, especially ones that treat her like trash. Patience corrects Lilian when she catches her fawning over Zov while he's being an ass. As difficult as it is, Lilian is just as motivated as Zov to change her ways because she genuinely cares about him, and wants this relationship to be successful as much as he does.

So anyway, that's why I changed my mind about these two. I think they actually can make a romantic relationship work, they would just need extra help to do so. They will always have rough moments between them, simply because they are both quite mentally ill, but with their mentors' guidance I believe they could work through these moments safely.

While their mentors deserve a lot of credit, this relationship wouldn't be possible at all if Lilian and Zov weren't so damn motivated to be with each other. So the point I want to make with this story is that where there is a will, there is a way. Even if something has to be done super unconventionally, it still counts. Their will to be together is stronger than their dysfunction, so they are able to overcome it.

And, quite frankly, I just think these two deserve to be happy after all they've been through. They deserve love, and to deny them that because they're "too fucked up" seems cruel in retrospect. It's just not a good message, so I'd like to shift that into a more positive message about overcoming the things that got you fucked up and thriving despite it.

That's my reasoning, I hope it makes at least a little bit of sense. As I wrote the rough drafts of their saga, they became one of my favorite ships specifically because of how much they had to overcome to be happy together.

*

Questions/Comments?

Lore Masterpost

Read the Series

[skygirlstars]

1, 2, 31, 43, 46, and 48 For the Jedi Ask and Leia for all because Jedi Leia is BA 💙

yesss Jedi Leia is awesome!! fun fact this is actually my first ask ever (despite the fact that I've been on tumblr for years) so I'm very excited. thank you for all the great questions!! this got long fast, whoops?

Jedi Ask Game by @jedimasterbailey

1. How did they find their kyber crystal?

I really struggled with this question! all the kyber crystal lore is so fascinating and I want to do it justice, you know? my favorite scenario might be Leia just stumbling across her crystal seemingly by chance. in short, it's more likely her crystal found her than she found it. when we see the younglings finding their crystals in The Clone Wars, they all have to overcome some aspect of themself standing in their way. for Leia, I think that aspect would be her determination and independence. those are some of her best qualities, but too much of a good thing is still a bad thing.

once she and Luke decide it's time for her to build her own saber, she'll probably try really hard to find her crystal, doing everything she can, but she's just not having any luck. she won't ask for Luke's help or find some files about crystal locations because she wants to do it herself and prove her own capability. she goes at it logically, but she's not meditating or trying to use the Force to help her because she's stubborn as hell. she's basically at the point of giving up, so she puts it in the back of her mind while she goes off on some other mission. but in the middle of said mission, her crystal finally calls to her. (bonus points if it's in the middle of a high stakes chase cause that would be funny.) it's on some random planet she never would have thought to look and she wasn't even trying to find it in that moment.

she only finds the crystal when she stops trying to have total control over the situation. she wants to be independent, but she has to learn to make that independence coexist with sometimes letting go of her own convictions and logic and allowing the Force to guide her. there's no situation in which she can have complete agency over everything, which is the lesson she has to learn to find her crystal. but I don’t know, that’s just one idea.

2. Why did they build their lightsaber hilt the way they did?

Leia's hilt definitely resembles Obi-Wan's, which I don't doubt was intentional. one thing I love about the Obi-Wan series is the relationship between him and Leia; it's so sweet. he's not only an important person to her, but other than Luke, he's basically the only Force-user with whom she's had a positive relationship, so it makes sense that she would want to model her saber after his. hers is still unique though -- it's very polished and elegant (just like her). the color of the non-silvery metal seems to look different in every photo, but I choose to believe it's rose gold because that's just so extra in the best way possible. she's very stylish, so her lightsaber should be too, right?

31. A Jedi they look up to the most?

I already talked about him a little bit, but probably Obi-Wan. I mean, her options are pretty limited, assuming she doesn't have access to much knowledge about pre-Order 66 Jedi. a bit of a tangent, but I find it kind of funny that the Jedi Buddy™ of her parents (both bio and adoptive, actually) she knows best is Obi-Wan, because she is so much more like Ahsoka. but she probably looks up to Obi-Wan not in spite of their differences, but because of them. I imagine she admires his patience and ability to see the good in everyone, both things she (understandably) struggles with. however, they share a lot of virtues too -- compassion, strength, and a never-ending supply of sarcasm and snark -- so he likely serves as a source for inspiration in that sense as well. Leia admires Luke for similar reasons, but I'm not sure I'd say she looks up to him, since sometimes he can be a little clueless (and I say that with the utmost affection), so Obi-Wan is definitely more of a role model for her.

43. If they could talk to any deceased Jedi who would it be and why?

for all the reasons I've already discussed, she would probably want to talk to Obi-Wan. she'd spend a few minutes yelling at him, of course, and I can't say I blame her. but since I've already talked about Obi-Wan a lot, I'll suggest another.

Leia deserves to have a nice talk with a fellow Jedi girlboss, and it was hard to pick one, but I'll go with Aayla Secura. I think they would get along well. they're both very compassionate and always aim to do the right thing. they're pragmatic and strategic but also extremely loyal and caring toward the people they care about, but not to the point of it being possessive or unhealthy. Leia could probably learn more from a Jedi less similar to her, but like... she's been through it. let her just chill and have some girl talk with Aayla, especially since she essentially has no Jedi "peers," since even her brother/bestie serves as her teacher (at least in the Jedi department). it's great that people like Obi-Wan and Luke are different from her, so they can all learn from each other, but I also like the idea of her having someone she can see more eye-to-eye with. plus Aayla is just awesome and very underappreciated.

46. Your favorite headcanon about them.

okay I have several. the first is I love the theory that Leia has psychometry as a Force ability. for one thing, it's a super cool ability, but it's also a clever in-universe explanation for how Leia has memories of Padmé. of course, it could have just been some kind of Force vision, but I think psychometry would be more interesting. it also fits in well with Leia's other characteristics like her intuition, how easily she can read other people, and how she quickly forms strong emotional connections.

second, Beru would adore her and they would get along so well.

and then the last is that she's sapphic, probably bi. that's it that's the headcanon. no one can change my mind (I may or may not just be projecting). shoutout to the rarepair Sabine/Leia shippers, they get me. I'm always on that wlw Leia agenda.

48. A crack headcanon about them.

I have multiple for this one too sorry. she will vehemently deny it, but she loves a good rom-com. I'm thinking very much Nora Ephron vibes, as well as a lot of the late 90s/early 2000s classics (10 Things I Hate About You, 13 Going on 30, etc)

this one is definitely crack because I don't think she'd ever be so out of touch with reality... but she literally grew up as royalty, so it's funny to imagine her having rich kid tendencies. come on, just think about her saying that one Arrested Development line: "it's one banana, Luke, what could it cost? ten credits?" that would be hilarious.

and lastly, she and Leida Mothma have met but they hate each other's guts. Mon Mothma and Bail Organa are homies so their daughters should be too, right? nah. they grew up in basically the same circumstances, they're only about a year apart in age, their names are only different by a single letter, but they could not be more different. at 15, Leia is already her wonderful justice-seeking, politically active, rebellious, independent self. meanwhile Leida is going down the tradwife rabbithole on Reddit.

thanks again for the ask and for making the ask game! :) it was very fun!! if anyone wants to suggest another question feel free to drop it in my asks <3

[tarot-by-e11e]

Hello!!! Elle✨

I am here to participate in your Intuitive game activity.

My initials - SHEY

My Favorite song(current fav) and Why -

"Patience" by Tame Impala

Its dreamy🫧music🎶 and thoughtful💭 lyrics📃 capture📸 the feeling🦋 of waiting⏳ and being patient🤌🏻creating🎨🖌️ a calming🌸 and reflective🪞 atmosphere🌿

My question - I'd love to get a general reading from you. Just whatever comes to your mind.

Hi SHEY,

Thank you so much for patiently waiting for your turn in my ask game.

I do apologize I wasn't able to include your name last night, it was a technical issue on my end. Don't worry, I added you back into the list and officially closed the game.

So starting with your song, the songs sound so chill and relaxing and when I check the lyrics seems dreamy and sort of sad.

Now for your general reading, the question that comes to mind is, "What do SHEY's guides want to tell SHEY?" They requested to do this in channeled messages format.

I'll list it down in bullet form for easier read:

"Is SHEY just being curious or does SHEY really want to know what we have to tell her?"

"Should we tell her about that time SHEY felt so embarrassed in public but really, no one even noticed or remembered?"

"SHEY's really hard on herself on things that she chose be burdened with. It's not SHEY's issue nor is it SHEY's problem to solve, yet why is she overextending herself for people who don't value and respect her?"

"Come on, I know this is a general reading, but we're (your spirit guides) are practically just rambling here?? There's no telling when will we ever get to chance to speak up again."

"Then tell SHEY she's being an idiot for forcing herself to fit into other people's molds and expectations are her."

"Yoooooo calm down, you might scare SHEY away. Let's be nicer about this, shall we?"

"Okay, SHEY needs a wake-up call for her perfectionistic procrastinating self-sabotaging tendencies. She knows she's capable of anything, yet her unrealistic standards for herself, makes her resentful for her ideals and her current ability."

"Seriously, what part of "be nice do all of you (your spirit guides) not realize?! Keep it nice and sweet."

"Okay, she's so sweet, loving, and secretly caring that her kindness is mistaken for weakness. That's why SHEY's become a chronic people pleaser."

"What the flipping duck do you all (your spirit guides) not know about the simple meaning of being *nice*?!"

(the rest of your spirit guides) "Well.... we didn't use swear words... So that's nice..."

(the actually nice spirit guide flips a table) "Universe?! Why did you assign with thissss *looks at the rest of your spirit guides as if they were vermins*"

"Hehe, the strict one lost its cool!! Anyway SHEY, stop guilt tripping yourself for things not being in your control. So as much as you want to save someone from the consequences of their own stupidity, you can't. They did need to learn their lessons and they need a good old fashion psychic backhanded bissh slap towards the brick wall, for thinking they can get away with harming and abusing you."

*nods spiritual heads in unison* "SHEY needs to stop being a push over!!" *the rest of your guides* "YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!"

"SHEY needs to do more self-care, that's beyond skincare" "oooohhh that's a good one".

"What else? oh! Don't give the so-called nice guy reformed player a chance.(this is future instance)"

"Is there anything else?" "Nope we all said what we need to say"

SHEY... your guides... they're wild and loud and cut throat.

Having to channel for all of them is giving a massive headache.

I'm sorry this is as far as I can pull for you.

Do let me know in your feedback how this resonates with you

[marierg]

Of Light and Darkness: Ch. 24

Pairing: Obi Wan Kenobi X Reader

Rating: A OK for all!

WARNINGS!: self doubt, little angst, otherwise just fine.

A/N: This is a predominantly Anakin centric chapter. This is a wrap up to the prior sections, but be warned the next arc is gonna hurt. This may seem a filler but it does have some key nuggets that are important.

Picture Credit: Dendy Dhamier (art station.com) and Koni-art (deviant art)

Word Count: 1458 ish

Masterlist Next part

The three of you returned to the Temple a week after Life Day. As much as you felt the weight return at being back, at least you were worried far less than before. Obi Wan was finally able to put the past where it belonged and Anakin had now found his way as well. The two of them talked, actually talked with one another, as a Master and Apprentice should. Anakin no longer held back his thoughts, letting you both know the full philosophy of a young Padawan. Obi Wan had found the patience needed to properly guide the boy, even if it was laced with his usual brand of sarcasm.

On exiting the ramp you saw a familiar, green face. Master Yoda sat on his hover chair, walking stick in hand. “Young Skywalker, learned much have you?”

Anakin grinned, “Yes Master Yoda, I have. And we brought you something!”

The old Master chuckled, “A lesson perhaps? Or the small friend in your pocket?”

Both you and Obi Wan glanced down at the guilty look on your Padawan's face, followed shortly by a small mewing. This caused Master Yoda to laugh even harder. Anakin sighed, “I don't think I can really give another living thing away.”

“an insight from one so young, and very true it is.”

Anakin pressed instead a rounded piece of sea glass into Yoda's hand, “I found this one day when Master Obi Wan was teaching be by the tide pools. When you hold it up to the light it looks like a star map.”

Yoda turned the beautiful piece of glass, indeed it did look like a map of the galaxy. “In the eye of the beholder, is the beauty of anything.”

“Master Y/n says that as long as you know where you are, you can always find a way back. I know you probably don't ever feel lost but it's still really pretty.” Small shoulders shrugged, now feeling a little silly about the gift he picked.

“Why foolish feel you? Almost 900 am I and still lost can I be. A most wondrous gift is this, padawan.” the old master waited for the boy's eyes to look at him. “lost can we all become. But from friends and teachers may we find our way home, yes?”

“Yes Master Yoda.” Anakin's smile returned, satisfied that he hadn't flubbed the tradition.

a few weeks later

The nights on Coruscant were anything but peaceful. The upper levels filled with the party life of the affluent and in the lower levels the bars were full of working people spending their wages on cheep beer. It was the cycle of life on most planets but occasionally one would get the odd interloper. People who wished to disappear or who were meant not to be found.

As Anakin made his way to the garage in the back of Maffa’s bar he bumped shoulders with a teen not much older than him. “Hey…”

“Sorry, didn’t see you,” the thin face looked up at him, dark circles rimed bleak eyes.

“Are you ok?” Anakin may be on personal business, but this was a person who needed help.

“Yeah just trying to get back before it gets too dark, I'll be ok. You should get home too kid, not safe after dark ya know.” The voice was high pitched, their hair the color of the neon above them. The other kid must have been cold even with the coat given their pale complexion. “Are you lost or something?”

“No just going to see a friend. Do you want me to walk you home?”

The young teen chuckled, “and they say chilvery is dead. Nah I'm just up the block, but thanks. You're a good one. I'll see ya 'round.”

Anakin probed a bit into the mind of this stranger, finding fear and sorrow, but also a brightness that refused to be dimmed. Nodding he gave a wave, sensing that there wouldn't be further persuading the girl. “Ok, see you.”

The stranger waived and dashed off into the night.

“Little speedster! What brings you to me today?” Maffa smiled warmly from his stool in the garage as Anakin approached. The young man’s robe was drawn tight concealing something.

“Hey Mr. Sweets I was wondering if maybe you might be able to help me with something?” Once Anakin saw Sweets subtle nod he then allowed the small tooka to peer out from the opening in his robes with a small mew. “My little friend needs a home and I can’t keep her at the Temple. I don’t suppose you might like animals?”

The old Keeterian laughed heartily then came to stand and appraise the small tawny creature. Sweets held out a hand and the cat leapt readily onto him, climbing up to settle on his shoulders Purring like an engine. “Speedster what you don’t find hehehee… don’t suppose you’d come by and visit us both more often if I say yes?”

“As much as my Masters will let me!” the boy was pleased beyond words.

When they had returned to the Temple he was given instruction to find the small beast a home. As much as it stung he knew that Master Obi Wan was right, the kitten didn’t belong cooped up in the Temple while he trained. Master Y/n had asked around the hospital but none of her friends could take the little fluff, Maffa had been his last hope. “Thank you Mr. Sweets. She’ll catch all the rats and keep the speeders free of nests.”

“And how was your journey?” Maffa asked as he stroked the little tooka. “Been missing my best mechanic.”

“It was really nice, I almost didn’t want to come back. It was...Free.” Anakin studied some of the parts on the cart in front of him. “Hey Mr. Sweets can I ask you something?”

“Of course Speedster, what’s on your mind?”

Truthfully there was another reason Anakin had come down here, he needed non Jedi advice. He had always known that his two Masters had a deep affection for one another. During their time off world Anakin had really come to realize the connection that they had. He wasn’t sure what he should do. “If something is happening that bends a rule, but no one is getting hurt, then is it really so bad?”

“Well now that depends, what kind of rule we talkin’ kid?” Maffa saw the boy’s hesitation, “I swear nothing leaves the garage, the word of a gentleman and racer.”

Anakin didn’t want to say more than was necessary but really needed an answer, “Is falling in love such a bad thing?”

“Ooooohhhh, I see.” Maffa scratched his chin thoughtfully a moment. “Well now here’s how I see it Speedster, if the love that two people feel is real, unreserved and unselfish, then no it can’t be wrong. You see there are a lot of people who say that they’re in love but it ain’t the genuine article…those are the ones ya have to be wary of. Love is a gift, not a possession do you understand.”

Anakin took a while to evaluate the statement. Neither Master Obi Wan nor Y/n had a selfish bone in their bodies. Both of his Masters fulfilled their duties, worked hard, and they always took care of him. “So then as long as the love isn’t controlling it can’t be a bad thing then?”

“Exactly and I’ll tell you this next bit for nothing.” He motioned the young man closer to him. “When it comes to those we love we protect them with all we have, no greater reason to fight than that Speedster.”

Anakin nodded, reminded of how you and Obi Wan defended him time and again. Of how his Mother had protected him as best she could. The code was wrong, there was no reason Anakin could see that love would be a bad thing. “Thanks Mr. Sweets, I think I got it figured out now.”

“Hehehee… Don’t go fearing love son, it’s the best thing in the world, despite what those crazy monks teach.” Maffa waived in the direction of the Temple.

“Oh hey I ran into a kid on my way in, do they work for you?”

“Were they wearing a black coat with wings on it?” Maffa saw Anakin nod at this, “That’s baby girl, she brings me parts, sometimes washes dishes and waits tables, little odd jobs.”

“Really? She seemed nervous, wanted to get home quick.” Anakin wasn’t so sure about the story.

“Well she’s had a rough go of it, family kicked her out and trying to make it on her own, going to school too. I know her Uncle Brex and try to keep an eye out for her.” Maffa sighed, then a thought occurred to him. “Say doesn’t little Y/n have connections at the responder school at the hospital?”

“Yeah, Why?”

“Well Speedster I have a thought... Have Y/n call me when you get back, eh.” Now that Maffa thought on it the idea was perfect, you wouldn’t be able to resist helping a budding medic and an outcast to boot.

Tags:

@meshlasolus @stanny-uwu @nurseytypechick @just-dreaming-marvel @in-a-mellow-tone @a-rose-of-amber @aquaamethyst96 @songoficecreamandfireworks @acatalystrising @pickleprickle @obiknights @iambored24601 @purplepandora666 @misscamptl @ginger-swag-rapunzel @the-going-merry @iabrokengirl @foxperifoto @annasun13 @moostresskenobi @lovelyxlily

[vampirepuppygirl]

You know, I grew up catholic and never experienced catholic guilt, and it still kind of confuses me

When I went to mass, the readings and the gospel were always just life lessons or stories to make you think, and what it wanted you to think about was usually humility and piety and loyalty and faith and stuff like that

Faith formation was mostly about learning the history of the church and important stories that you should remember, plus prayer memorization

I don't ever actually remember a time where they were specifically like "you must feel guilty about this" or "everyone by default deserves to go to hell and you must constantly prostrate before god to be deemed worthy"

It was "everyone sins and everyone drifts away from god and that's okay because he will never abandon you"

It was "Jesus died for your sins. To liberate you from them so you're no longer beholden to the old way, so you're no longer beholden to original sin, so you can have a clean slate without ceaseless penance"

The sin forgiveness cycle that Catholics kind of get pulled into was always described to me as a liberating cycle. It gives you the freedom to sin and the freedom to make mistakes as you bumble through the blind chaos of life without worrying about perfection or damnation

Even when I went to confession it wasn't just a blanket "don't do it again" it was "think about why that is a sin and let that experience teach you something."

If I know anything about catholics it's that they love rules and they love the pursuit of knowledge, I once had a very long conversation with a priest about why a certain rule was a rule and why a certain sin was a sin and it was a lot more complicated than just "god said so," even if I can't remember the specifics anymore

I don't know, maybe it was my specific diocese or I've just been around a lot of liberal priests or something, but I even had someone tell me basically word for word "As long as you follow the ten commandments and use the seven virtues as a framework to guide you, you're set. Use confession to scrub away the sins you can't avoid and that's it. Nobody is without sin so just do your best and that's all anyone can ask of you."

Primarily, what growing up catholic taught me was just the importance of love

Love your family, love your neighbor, love a stranger, love the Earth, love nature, and fundamentally love yourself. And forgive yourself. And be patient with yourself. Because I was taught that everyone sins and that's okay.

And that's okay.

I was taught that seeking absolution and forgiveness is meant to steer you in the right direction, yes for the ultimate goal of heaven, which was defined to me as Oneness with God. And hell was defined to me not as a multi-tiered demon filled demiplane of fire and brimstone and ice, but simply the state of separation from god.

But it wasn't just about salvation it was also about making the Earth we live in now a better place and they are rules specifically to facilitate good communication and good relationships with other people and yourself, and obviously God (but whatever.) It was always basically let God absolve you of your guilt but don't force yourself to feel guilty if you make a mistake.

I don't really consider myself catholic anymore, mostly because of other people, catholics and protestants who use their religion as a tool to spread hateful rhetoric and become their own personal left hand of God, instead of using their religion to spread love and patience and understanding and forgiveness and tolerance and all of the things that they actually fucking preach. Why y'all throwing stones huh? Y'all ain't without sin. Literally nobody is. That's the point.

But I like what I was taught. I use what I was taught a lot. Technically even if I don't consider myself catholic I still am. I have been confirmed, I could waltz right into a catholic church confess my sins and my doubts and have a long conversation with a priest and boom blank slate once more. There would be penance hoops I would have to jump through but that's literally what happens with every confession, so still

But that's always what confused me about Catholic guilt like

What were you taught?

[aeth-eris]

Seraphic Daily Journal

11/3/23

(I decided to do this for self awareness and improvement. Also to clear my head. And hey maybe I'll say something profound or someone could relate.)

As a Sagittarius Mercury in the 12th (plus Libra mars), I leave a lot of stuff unsaid to spare the feelings of others or myself even though it's the truth and I know they should hear it. I let connections fizzle out just because I don't want to scare people away with my truth, so I ghost first or easily let people ghost. (Aquarius Venus) I have a detachment issue because of the hurt I've been through by being attached (Scorpio moon.)

It's interesting, that I am self aware of all of this. I can be a coward. And I have to be honest with myself. I can't foster or nurture connections (Cancer 7th house) if I just detach when things get awkward or tough. However, I know people can't be trusted. Especially this year, things have been really scary in my love life. Learning lots of lessons and information involving dating, relationships, friendships, and connections in general.

It's hard to show my authentic self too. Usually mirroring the person (Neptune in 1st, sun in 12th) because it's easier to fake a connection than form a real one. Which sucks. I don't like that about myself. But I do it subconsciously, as if I am always on the defense and protecting myself. I act like a wounded animal ong. So there's my issues right?

So how do I fix this? Obviously time heals all wounds. And I need to be patient with myself. Another thing I am learning to have. Patience. I have to realize the saying "life is short" is bullshit. Life is long. Very long. Especially when I have so much to learn, so much to witness. I can't rush life. Life isn't a McDonald's drive through. But I can't help it. The fear of missing out, the fear that I am behind in life- it's daunting. But, I think that every person entering their twenties right now feels the same way I feel in that regard.

Obviously, I'm not alone. The majority of the population has attachment issues, traumas, hardships, flaws, issues, etc. No one is perfect. That's why I love astrology, it showcases what you need to work on. Even if it's brutally honest. I love it for that very reason. It doesn't sugar coat anything.

One day I'll be able to find people where I can truly be myself around, I just have to be patient. But, I also need to give people chances. I never extend my hand, expecting others to extend theirs instead. Which is like? Hypocritical? And creates an imbalance in the connection. I can't tell whether I'm overthinking, assuming, or actually listening to my intuition in most cases. Sometimes, I think I'm overthinking and then my suspicions are confirmed.

It's the uncertainty of people. Unpredictable. Although, it would be boring if people were always predictable. I believe it really comes down to being afraid of being vulnerable and getting hurt from it. If I live my life in fear of these pains, how will I ever learn or grow? You'd think the traumas I went through in childhood would prepare me for these things, but it really caused the opposite reaction. Hence the wounded animal comment.

This year's motto while I struggle with these inner conflicts has been "it is what it is." Really adding fuel to my detachment issues. If anyone actually reads this and relates, I hope you heal. I hope you experience what it's like to truly trust someone that has the integrity to keep that trust. I hope you realize that life is not the rat race society wants you to think it is. And I believe in you, as I do believe in myself. I know I will overcome these trials because I was born for it.

Seraphic out.

[rose1water]

To grow and ripen like a tree which does not hurry the flow of its sap and stands at ease in the spring gales without fearing that no summer may follow. It will come. But it comes only to those who are patient, who are simply there in their vast, quiet tranquility, as if eternity lay before them. It is a lesson I learn every day amid hardships I am thankful for: patience is all.

[...] love your solitude and bear the pain it causes you with melody wrought with lament. Believe in a love which is stored for you like an inheritance, and trust that in this love there is a strength and a benediction out of whose sphere you do not need to issue.

[...] I ask you to consider whether these great unhappinesses did not rather pass through you. Whether much within you has not changed, whether somewhere, in some part of your being, you were not transformed while you were unhappy?

Why should you want to exclude from your life all unsettling, all pain, all depressing of spirit, when you don't know what work it is these states are performing within you?

So, my dear, you shouldn't be dismayed if a sadness rises up in front of you, greater than any you have ever seen before; or if a disquiet plays over your hands and over all your doings like light and cloud-shadow. You must think that something is happening with you, that life has not forgotten you, that it holds you in its hand; it will not let you fall.

And if I have anything else to say to you it is this: do not think that the person who is trying to console you lives effortlessly among the simple, quiet words that sometimes make you feel better. His life is full of troubles and sadness and falls far short of them. But if it were any different he could never have found the words that he did.

— Excerpts from ‘Letters to a Young Poet’ by Rainer Maria Rilke

[articulatedbyleilani]

Lessons learned from blood.

How your family presents life to your matters and there is no perfect family. There is no flawless family.

My mom’s side of the family is a big blessing of mine. Though they’ve had their share of drama, nobody on my mom’s side of the family has ever held a grudge against one another. They might take a few days, maybe even weeks to get over things, even during this time they don't drag out negativity. When were brought together as one during the holidays or any family gatherings, you can feel the peace and serenity around you. Everybody moves with grace, love and gratitude. Everybody is humble, genuine and welcoming. My family prays and says grace before every meal, they welcome everybody even guess with hugs and endless options of food. My mom’s side of the family is the definition of hustler’s. People meet my mom’s side and the first thing they think is “Your family has money”, but little do they know, nobody came from money and everybody has what they have because they worked for it, nothing was given to them. Nothing has been given us or me, besides the gift of life.

My mom’s side of the family has taught me so many things that I incorporate into my everyday life till this day. To sum it up, they taught me:

You determine your success and nothing will be handed to you. If you work hard and do what’s hard, you won’t regret it when you start seeing the outcome. Success takes time.

Patience will get you further than moving on to the next spark of interest in life. When you give up on being patience because it’s hard or exhausting, the next spark will provide you with a temporary high that will later require the same patience. If you can’t practice consistency and patience, you can’t practice anything. Life success and outcomes are based on consistency and patience.

We’re human and will feel emotions ranging from sad, depression, anger, laughter, happiness and peace - and that’s okay. If i’m angry with somebody, I shouldn’t hold a grudge and carry it with me anymore past that same day, because holding onto the negative feelings day after day can lead to a bad week, weeks or months - and when were upset, we’re distracted from the end game rather than focused. These feelings themselves are a setback. Forgive anything and move forward, the way god forgives everything.

Always be warm and welcoming, always been full of love because all that matters in life if the impact you made on others. Everything you do to somebody, affects them. If you hurt them, you can cause trauma or despise. If you love them, you change somebodies life.

As long as you move with grace, grace will always move with you.

Never go out of your way to hurt somebody, because when you do, you’re no better than them. You should always pick how you spend your time wisely, and it shouldn’t be spent trying to break another’s soul.

It’s better to be sensitive then insensitive, being sensitive shows the heart you carry, but so do being insensitive. Being insensitive resembles a cold heart.

They’ve taught me the humbles of life, the key to being a genuine person.

My dad’s side of the family is divided into two - one half that resembles the same principals, morals and actions of my mom’s side, and the other, the complete opposite. From my dad’s side, I can genuinely say I’m most grateful for my grandma and grandpa. My dad’s side is a bit much. There’s endless drama, endless gossip, endless judgement, endless “only these family members can come”, endless “you’re not good enough”, endless disowning, endless sins, ending love. There is no forgiveness on my dads side, there is no peace, there is no laughter, there is no family gatherings, there is no genuine love. There is endless despise and wishing the worst on each other. Despite this, I can still say they’ve also taught me a lot of important key piece of advice to life.

They taught me that -

You can’t impress everybody.

You will not be in favor of everybody.

You will not be good enough for everybody.

You won’t be welcome around everybody.

Not everybody will like or love you.

Not everybody will be proud of you.

Not everybody will think that you are worth your value.

Not everybody will forgive you.

Not everybody will support you.

Not everybody will wish you well, but will pray for your down fall.

To live in a judgement free world doesn't exist, but you can surround yourself with judgement free people.

I use to despise the negative energy from my dad's side when I was growing up, but as the years go by and the more I mature, I realize that both sides taught me valuable life lessons that I'm grateful for, good or bad.

It's true when they say that god places people in your life for a reason, and in this case, my mom's side was for a blessing and my dad's side was for a lesson.

[words-made-of-atoms]

Standing on the stove

Missing you so very much it hurts.

I don't want to be too clingy.

Thinking of ways to distract myself.

Trying to remember how you supported me in that week when you didn't need to.

I'll do everything I can to make space for us to meet like that again.

I just need to work through my own loneliness, be patient, not annoy, give you space - don't I?

Flashes of my childhood pass me by

Being fingered ecstatically into my first orgasm

Being filled with childish joy and overwhelm

Not grasping the moment

Exasperated

And later

Having waited for repetition.

For safety to return

Having tried to follow all rules and be a good kid.

Helping him in his burning need.

Surrendering and Vanishing.

But that joy has never returned.

Only vague hopes that he didn't think needed to be fulfilled long before replacing them with the rough pain of his unmet needs and endless devouring desire.

Blinding, paralyzing pain with which I had to pay

for the joy

(that I did not ask for,

or did I?)

I strained my patience and hope until the pain havocked my body and soul.

I still don't remember how I managed to let him go without him taking my life.

Maybe it was just childish belief he would follow through on a big threat, when he couldn't keep a simple promise.

I still wonder how I suvived.

Life passing before my eyes.

Unresolved pain.

Conflict.

Guilt.

Lonelines.

Everlasting excrutiating, strangling, heart-twisting torment.

I wish I would pass out or away.

No amount of crying will relieve this from me.

I need contact.

Wishing to be noticed in my pain

cowering on the floor, giving in to emotion, succumbing to pain and hoping to be met in it. I've never had that happen in time.

To the outside I'm either hysterical or frozen and stuck within myself.

I slowly return to the present.

Missing you still, but unsure, if I should protect myself this time.

They say love is worth being vulnerable for.

But they also warn you to not be stupid and fall for the same trap again.

Only that it is not the same.

Is it?

I cannot tell and it confuses me.

How do I know?

For how long do I wait, what is my part in this?

Being your supporter while also learning from gruesome life lessons.

How will I ever be healthy? How can I get to a healthier state in the first place?

Am I repeating my patterns or do I see them where they are not?

How can I stay clear sighted?

Neptune is turning me nebulous and fuzzy again

There my flatmate enters the room, meeting me with an innocent smile - g(r)o(w)ing through grief himself and being all too familiar with having to work through his own pain

He's so vulnerable and no person I would have hoped to accompany me through this

And yet I am so very grateful that he does!

I ask about his day and he answers me still smiling.

Unwilling to be devoured to his own pain.

So unlike me.

Drying my tears we talk about things within his realm that he understands and feel safe for him (or maybe it is me that understands that much less in the grand scheme of things)

My food is inedible.

I start getting the chocolate cookies

Sharing them between wounded souls.

Singing a song in a language we both don't understand.

Sharing a hopeful smile until we withdraw into our own worlds again.

There you are texting me.

I'm glad for the cookies and the song to have soothed my soul in between.

I'll keep myself open for you.

[impressiverunaway]

Narcissistic Mother...who would have thought that?

Welp. I couldn't tell how long it has been since my last post. But welcome back to my nightmare rollercoaster of a life. It's not all bad, really. Like I promise, it's not all bad. There is so much Good in my life, honestly. Yet, I can't exactly enjoy it all, but I pray for the day that I can come. Patience, right? Within a week, I, broke off a relationship with an asshole/narcissist/both? - after he let me move out of state to take a swim, no, to drown in his lies. Made a 20hr+ drive with a pet, alone, in a stick shift. and? Landed myself back in a home with a psychotic, narcissistic, cunt of a mother. Did I know what I was moving back to? No. Just as I did not know what I was moving out of state in to. My brain just does not work in a normal way. The move did teach me a lot. Luckily, I cut my losses to about a month of time wasted before picking my life back up again here at home. Still a lot of moving pieces to be entirely back on my feet. I learned to set boundaries, ha- I learned my boundaries. I learned my lesson, finally, as to why relationships should not be rushed. That nothing should really be rushed.

"Anyone would have fallen (for his bullshit)" My therapist said. In my mind, I added "but I did not, and I got out.

I could really see my life just...ending...by staying. Living, but so, so hollow. Oh yeah, within this said week, if you've seen my older posts, that guy I was so angry with, running circles in my mind? Yeah-he's back.

I can't believe I pushed him away before.

Looking back, I suspect that the period of time I thought I loved my ex, I was discovering I had serious feelings for him. I did not see, feel, or think that until the day of, or so- that I broke things off with my ex and was on the road in less than 24 hours.

The things I thought about, the things I felt thinking about Him, unworldly.

I'm not going to get into why my ex was a piece of shit, you're just going to have to trust me on it. Probably same with my mom, maybe in time I will share more.... but it seems like a conversation meant for my therapist's ears only.

I'm not rushing anything this time around.

I'm thinking "I'm dumb". And reminding myself that I am doing my best. I pray for the day that I skip over thinking that I am dumb and remember that I am always doing my best at all times.

She's really insane, I don't mean that in an offensive way, how much one person can affect so many people.

Discovering this piece of information for myself has uncovered so much for me.

-------------------------------------

FYI, it terrifies the shit out of me knowing this is who my mother is and always has been.

like, this shit is genetic. I'm as confident as I can be, that I don't have it myself, but what if my child has it? How the fuck would that happen and how tf could I be able to handle that. Is it even worth the risk-If I'm ever able to fully heal and be in a place safe for children.

If I do land in a healthy relationship, with children, will I loose it all because I'm not 100%? I can't put kids in that situation, I can't put myself in that situation without being sure......and how can I be sure? Therapy.

------------------------------------ I am happier when I am not around mother. That's a fact. I have set boundaries- we are now in a roommate type relationship. Strangers. As it should have always been. *snort/scoffs* A boundary, of dozens, I've tried setting in the past. Always scared to be my true self to enforce said boundary due to false consequences. I'm creative, and I've got the vocabulary of a 90's rapper. --------------------

I know I said I wouldn't get into it, but, my Mother.

My own, fucking mother. She will deny it past the days she dies but-

My mother has been calling me a "Bitch" since I was 13 years old. Today, she called me evil,

Pure-evil.

My response?

She is lucky to be my mom.

&

It's a godsend I came from her.

P.S. You're dead to me.

*mic drop* -----------

Till next time, I hope all is well with you. That you are doing better than me. That maybe this helps you in some way.

take care. xoxo

[daminakhair]

Please read this if you finally have the time. 💌

** An open letter to my first love **

My dearest Damian,

Hiii. How are you? I hope you're doing just fine. It's been weeks or a month since we've spoken last, isn't it? It felt like forever.

I know you have no patience to read but I'm writing this anyway, to give myself peace and finally let go of any confusion, doubts, and questions that have been weighing on my mind. I want to end our relationship on good terms, so if by chance we meet in person, I can look you in the eyes with no ounce of regret, hatred, and pain. I just want to formally bid my farewell to you, so let me. Please take your time reading it, and if you don't wish to, I completely understand.

I want to start by saying, that it's not our fault, neither of us should take the blame. It's just not the right timing. We were both pressured in life and got caught up in everything that we missed each other. Our relationship wasn't easy at all. It wasn't perfect and ideal but we started okay and I had fun in the middle. It was a complicated setup but we somehow managed to make it work for a while, and I'm proud of it.

I know it's the end but let's just think that what happened was a typical shallow misunderstanding that can be resolved. Let's pretend that our ending is something we've already talked about way before we even started. Let's take it as a beautiful memory we have once shared for a lifetime.

We may not close our chapter properly and say each other's farewell but I know it's gonna be fine between us.

I'm terrible at handling breakups and you know why, right? I don't even know how to cope with it but thankfully there's Google. I'm betting my moving-on phase on it.

I know it's not gonna be easy [for me], even writing this and having the courage to send it to you is difficult to do. You've become a part of my daily routine and it feels strange not having you there anymore. I must admit that I still miss you every day. It feels empty starting my day without you and ending it with no trace of you. My life is back to gray again and it hits differently. It's quiet but not as peaceful as when you used to be around. But I swear I will be fine. And with time, we'll both be able to heal. I'll take this heartbreak as a lesson that will help me grow emotionally and mentally.

Damian, meeting you was one of the best things that ever happened in my life. I never had any regrets. I learned a lot about myself after I opened my heart to you. You were the first man I learned to love unconditionally, without judgment. Too bad we ended too soon, I didn't even get the chance to hold your hands. I am grateful for everything you've shown me. You've taught me so many things even if you may not realize it. You could've denied it but I know you loved me because I felt it. In just 6 months, I enjoyed every second of it even if we only spent 4 hours a day talking. What we had was something worth remembering despite our love story only existing through phone screens. Most people might consider this type of relationship unserious, but to me, it was real. What we had was genuine. I hope it's the same for you too.

I don't know when I'm gonna be ready to completely let go of you. I even still find myself thinking about you at night, and waking up with thoughts of you still in my mind. But I promise you, I will find myself again and live a happy life even if it means you're not there anymore. While the plans we made to do things together for the first time remained just "plans", the mere thought of them is enough for me to cherish.

I hope you're not upset with me. I hope you don't hate me. I hope you don't regret anything from us. I hope you remember me as someone who loved you wholeheartedly. I hope I am a happy memory in your heart because you are to me. But if you ever felt bad about us, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for what I've said and done. I'm sorry if that's all I can give. I'm sorry for my lapses and shortcomings. I'm sorry if I can't live up to my role as your girlfriend before. I'm sorry that I was too far from where you are. I hope you forgive me for all the things I mistakenly did. I never had any intention of hurting you in any way. And if you think you're sorry too, it's okay. I have already forgiven you. Don't worry about it.

As I end this letter, could you please do one thing for me? Please, be well. Please treat yourself kindly. You are destined for great things in life, so promise me that you will never give up on your dreams. Please go to Japan even if I can't make it there. I will forever cheer for you and support you even from afar. Even from the very beginning, I have always been proud of you and I always will be. I am your number one fan, remember? Don't be sick. Do everything that you like. Don't skip your meals. Take extra good care of yourself. Please find the love that you failed to find in me. I hope that if you love again, she will give you all the love you truly deserve for the rest of your life. I hope she's the one. Most importantly, be happy all the time. Your happiness is mine too. And please don't worry about me, for I make sure to keep every single one of your reminders in mind. Of course, how can I forget my water?

These would be my last words, and I apologize for writing a lot. These are just 1/4 of the things I wanna tell you before you go. This may be lengthy, but these are nothing compared to what we've talked about during our time. I missed that already. Talking random geeky stuff with you and your random out-of-curiosity questions is one of the things I'd miss from us. I know what we had was a short-lived love story but it was so far the best I ever had in my entire life.

Thank you for allowing me to know you and for making my lonely life worthwhile. I firmly believe that we're fated to know each other. Also, thank you for letting me be vulnerable with you; for listening to all my nonsensical rants in life, for putting up with all my dramatic complaints, and even for all the weird things I love that you may not have understood. You felt warm and gentle to me. You treated me just the way I wanted to be treated. I will never think bad of you because you once made me happy and that's all I wanna remember from you.

I love you, my baby. Yes, I did and still do. I always have and always will. Parts of me will still love you no matter what happens and where life takes us. Always remember that, okay? Because this will be the last time I'll remind you of it. This would be my last "good morning" and "good night". You're forever in my thoughts and prayers.

Damian, I will remember you as the calming rain that brings me warmth and comfort. And just like our favorite sunset, we ended beautifully; full of love and hope.

P.S. If this isn't goodbye yet, then we're destined to finally meet soon. Hopefully, in Nihon.

Until then, my soulmate! 🤎

[earlysunshines]

web anon, flirt with me in spanish then!! I would love to learn pickup lines in spanish hahahaha idk if it's common in your country, but if i call you guapita... would you like it? guapita anon!

well, i absolutely loved it the ramble about love, na author and web anon!! man, i actually feel the same, but im not afraid of love, i view love as part of me already, it's a emotion that i cherish and feel all the time! if something goes wrong i know i tried my best and i, for sure, will improve in the next time :))

and made so much sense the leisure meaning!!! i was truly intrigued to read it. it's need time, understanding, patience and lots of love to truly feel that you're loving the person and not the feeling. it's crazy how time can work, right? sometimes i wonder about how much it takes to understand love, specially when you're in love, if it's just passion or if it's love in the most precious form that exist.

but after all, i think it's truly beautiful if we just live our lives fully! without fear of the consequences and the known pain we have already felt from being hopeless romantics hahah

i know it's easier to say than to do, but it's important to try, right?

from your spidergirl anon, who absolutely loved to read everything!

ps: take care both of you!!! na author, you better sleep 😾 and guapita web anon, será mejor que tú también duermas, de lo contrario iré a por ti 😾

i'll sleep i'll sleep i'm going to sleep soon bc i've been lacking on some of it :-(, but tonight i'll sleep early since i got my work done.

love is something that comes and goes but i think when it's really there with you it's never a waste, always a lesson and meaningful experience anon.

when my professor had taught us about leisure i had to ponder for a bit, it was something that really intrigued me too.

i don't think anyone will ever understand emotions and feelings fully, especially love--just so much to take in and there's too many complex things about it. i agree that we should just try and give it our all.

i remember reading something about always being ready to give your 150 percent because a lot of things may just require 50-75 percent, i'm forgetting everything about that excerpt i read about two years ago as i type and now i am rambling but idkkkk