#leave it alsone

[alicanteathings]

the gambler and the runaway

jesper is known from gambling. it's not a secret that he's addicted. everyone knows that. he is known from being the best sharpshooter in ketterdam as well.

he alson is known from being always the happiest person in the room.

not everyone knows that is a lie.

well, jesper doen't think that someone besides kaz knows

and well, he kind of... doesn't care? it's his problem after all

jesper knows that kaz doesn't give a shit about his addiction

he thinks inej doesn't care

in fact he thinks no one cares about him — even his dad

he is dying like his mother did

but he's dying slowly

and then there is wylan

sweet wylan and jesper thinks that he never met someone that innocent while being one of the deadliest people

wylan cares and that's cute even when it's confusing jesper

sweet wylan who went through hell still has the good in his heart and it is the prettiest thing jesper had seen

jesper thinks he never loved someone in the way he loves wylan

he doesn't love wylan because he's rich and the most beautiful person

he loves wylan bc he cares about jesper when even jesper doesn't care about himself

so he tries his best but he knows wylan needs something more. wylan deserves the world and jesper isn't able to give him even a piece of what wylan deserved

so he had to leave

and he left (even though it hurt) bc he had to

jesper to the end of his life regreted it

he died at an early age, he was only 23

[wanderinglcst]

(Milo Ventimiglia) [THE PROTECTOR]. Please welcome [LOUIS RYAN (He/him)] to Huntsville, WV. They are an [45]-year-old [RESIDENT] who lives in [TOWN]. You may see them around working as a [Owner of Huntsville Hardware]

BASICS ||

Name: Louis Ryan

Nicknames: Lou, Louey.

Age: 46

DOB: 8th July 1977

Occupation: Owner of Huntsville Hardware

Sexuality: Bisexual

Dating: Yvette Alson

FC: Milo Ventimiglia

+ Compassionate, Warm, Empathic

- Mischievous, Indecisive, Flight risk

BIO ||

The first born child of Charlotte and Christopher Ryan, he was everything they ever wanted, perfect little baby boy for the first couple of years of his life they doted on him, gave him everything he could ever want but things changed when they had their second child and third and...fourth and fifth, suddenly Louis found himself having to take care of his siblings as well as himself while his parents were out at work in their families old hardware store. He would make sure they bathed and ready for school.

When he turned twenty, he had enough, told his parents he was leaving, packed up whatever he could stuff into a back pack and left. He ended up travelling around and never settling, never ended up having the life he wished he had, he had no stable jobs, no stable home, nothing. Then a call came around thirteen years ago from a sister who told him that their dad was in hospital. That caused him to rush back home to Huntsville just in time to grieve with his family as their dad passed.

Louis fell straight back into that guardian role for his siblings seeing as his mom couldn't get out of bed, her husband had been the love of her life after all. So there he was, getting them ready for school or work, making sure they had everything they needed that Louis didn't notice his own life passing him by.

It's been thirteen years since he came back to town and now he's feeling stuck, stuck because his life isn't anything like he planned, stuck because of the paradox, just stuck. Luckily it hasn't turned him into a bitter man.

Facts ||

The Ryans are one of the founding families of Huntsville

Possible connections ||

People around his own age that he went to school with.

Friends

Exes - he struggles to maintain romantic relationships.

Siblings - there's six Ryan siblings all together, Louis is the oldest at 45 and they all range between the ages of 25 and 40.

[ghostsbrokenbyfairytales]

HUNTSVILLE TASK 06

if huntsville were to return to normal, a small town in 2023 west virginia, would you stay or leave? why or why not?

Arthur "Arty" Drake: his severely depends on if wolf would leave or not. if wolf stays then arty is staying with him and if he choses to leave, he's leaving too. they were separated for over ten years and arty didn't even want to disappear on them in the first place.

Emma Dunford: 100% yes, she didn't want to be there in the first place and misses things like traveling for work.

Hawthorne "Hawk" Romero: he would leave. huntsville brings back memories that he always hated and doesn't exactly like the reminder of his childhood. he'd honestly probably do things he never did as a kid like go to an amusement park.

Jahi Karim: absolutely would leave. he only came back to take say a final goodbye to his childhood home and move on fully with his life so he's not thrilled to be back, especially when his career was thriving.

Kirby: they're 50/50. kirby technically came into town because they had a warrant for their arrest and now that a few years have passed they'd probably leave if they knew they could get away with leaving the country.

Luke Matthews: he would stay. he only had his friends outside of town and if they were still alive he'd want to reconnect with them. cell phones will work with the outside world again he can keep in contact this time.

Maya Rae: she would leave to find her parents and see if they're even still around and if they are ask them why the fuck they never came back to check on her.

Nathaniel Dawson: he would go where his kid goes. if mia takes him and leaves out of town he would follow too.

Olivia Hart: she would get the fuck outta dodge. would she go back to new york? not sure, she does know she'll find her/dakota's parents to tell them about him.

Paul Dylan: he would stay. he actually doesn't mind huntsville, he really likes the small rustic feeling and figures after this long things wont change much or at least he hopes so.

Reggie Alson: most definitely. huntsville was supposed to be the town he started a family in and though he did it was also the same place that broke his family so he's leaving.

Spencer Holmes: they would. it's connected to bad memories for them that they still have nightmares about sometimes so they're thinking a change of scenery would be good.

Vincent Lewis: he's unsure. different factors play into on if he'd stay or not. he knows that he'd be able to keep in contact with people but if there were specific people in his life at the time that wanted him to leave he'd go with them.

Xavier Cade: they would stay. he doesn't know anything else other than huntsville and are used to the surroundings. they'd go to neighboring towns mostly to see if it was real that he'd have the option to leave now.

Zachary Ryan: he's leaving the moment he catches wind things are back to normal. he's always wanted to leave and never actually wanted to be in town so with or without his family he's gone.

[callofthxvoid]

Please welcome YVETTE ALSON (SHE/HER) to Huntsville, WV. She is a 43-year-old RESIDENT who lives in TOWN. You may see her around working as a PRINCIPAL AT HUNTSVILLE ELEMENTARY. Poor unfortunate soul. We’ll see if she survives.

quick facts

Title: The Survivor

Name: Yvette Jocelyn Alson (née: Moore)

Nickname: Evie

Date of Birth: November 5, 1980

Age: 43

Place of Birth: Charleston, West Virginia

Hometown: Charleston, West Virginia

Languages: English

Faceclaim: Jamie Chung

Pronouns: She/Her

Sexuality: Bisexual

Relationship Status: In a relationship with Louis Ryan

personality

Myers-Briggs: ESFP - The Entertainer

Enneagram: Type 7 - The Enthusiast (7w8)

Moral Alignment: True Neutral

Occupation: Principal at Huntsville Elementary

Role: Gatherer

[+] vivacious, spontaneous, generous, creative [-] careless, capricious, undisciplined, headstrong

Character Inspirations: Lorelai Gilmore (Gilmore Girls), Daisy Jones (Daisy Jones & the Six)

background

TW: Death

Evie had a nice but largely uneventful childhood. She grew up in an average suburb with an average nuclear family and went to an average school where she got decent grades. Her parents liked to claim that her effervescent personality made her the wild child of the family, but in her mind, she was never a troublemaker on purpose—just someone who loved adventure and often found herself feeling stifled by routine.

She met her future husband, Reggie Alson, when she was in her first year in college, and they started dating a couple of years later. After that, things seemed to fall into place pretty naturally for them, and even if it was a lot faster than she had planned on settling down, it felt right. When they discovered that she was pregnant, they decided to relocate to Huntsville—a town they had visited when they first got together and had both fallen in love with because of the easy access to nature and the sense of community. He got a job at the Sheriff's Office, she got one at the local elementary school, and together they welcomed their daughter, Riley, into the world.

She was delighted to discover that Riley had inherited more than a little of her curious and adventurous nature, and Evie made a point not to discourage that in her, thinking back to how her own much stricter upbringing had made her feel caged in at times. However, she would come to regret that when a little over a year into the paradox, the relentless inquisitiveness that she loved so much in her daughter became the very reason that her daughter was permanently taken from her and her husband.

Neither of them took Riley's death well, but while Evie tried to be constructive in her grief, Reggie went in the opposite direction—disappearing into a bottle and leaving his wife to essentially mourn by herself. It put a strain on their marriage that resulted in Evie seeking solace elsewhere, and the two eventually separated under less than ideal circumstances. She still cares about him, and she regrets hurting him, but she knows in her heart that their marriage was over long before her infidelity.

Nowadays, Evie is simply trying to make the best out of a bad situation. She does not regret her marriage, and she certainly does not regret having Riley, but she has come to realise that getting married as young as she did meant that she never really got a chance to figure out who she was outside of being a wife and a mother. She misses her daughter every day, and she wishes that she could start over somewhere else, but she's trying her best to move on in a town that literally won't let her leave.

misc

She has kept a number of Riley's belongings, including a plushie of the Pokémon Eevee that was originally given to her as a gift by Reggie (being a homophone of her own nickname), and that she later passed on to their daughter.

Her college degree was in Theatre and Performance Studies.

[ofescapisms]

(Kathryn Newton) [THE CONTINGENT]. Please welcome [JESSICA “JESSIE” SINCLAIR (SHE/HER)] to Huntsville, WV. They are an [23]-year-old [RESIDENT] who lives in [TOWN]. You may see them around working as a [RECEPTIONIST AT HUNTSVILLE VET & GROOMING]. Poor unfortunate soul. We’ll see if they survive.

Background (to be updated with plotting):

DOB July 6th

Jessie is the youngest daughter of Cillian Sinclair, former mayor of Huntsville who retired 12 years ago, and Lilah Sinclair, his second wife.

She was born into an inevitable family tension considering Lilah was the younger woman Cillian fell for and left his first wife for (already having had 1-2 kids from his first marriage), but even with all that Jessie was a loyal Sinclair through and through.

She has never understood why some of her family seem to think this is a bad thing, and will often blindly follow Jasper's lead since she sees him as the most loyal of her cousins.

Growing up, she was always expected to follow in her mother's footsteps. Work on her appearance and charm, find a successful man, and live a life she was told would be envied by others. Jessie never even considered anything different, and had always had a deep need to be loved, so this life plan seemed to suit her just fine.

With the paradox, she had always known to adjust her criteria of "rich" and "successful" to something that could actually apply to her life now, because she really has no expectation that she will ever get to see the outside world.

Jessie had grown up being friends with Riley Alson, they often talked about what they thought was out there in the night after the paradox happened. Then when they were 14 and Riley was killed trying to find out, Jessie internally blamed herself for encouraging both their curiosities. Since then, she has never once tried to see what came out in the dark.

As a teen, she did the expected thing, becoming a cheerleader and always being on the arm of a guy. Ever since she started dating, she developed this fear of being single so she did everything she could to stay in her relationships. But once they eventually ended, it only took about a month or two for her loneliness to become unbearable and the pressure of finding a boyfriend to become too strong. In this state, she pretty much started dating the first somewhat decent guy who showed interest.

Jessie likes to think she's been in love every time she's dated someone, but sometimes she's not so sure.

After her first breakup post-high school, she started working as a receptionist at the vet so she could still take care of herself when she's single, but it's also a good way to meet people who come in with their pets.

Possible Connections:

Siblings: Jessie has 2 siblings, one or both being from her father's first marriage (the middle sibling could be from the first or second marriage, UTP)

Exes: Jessie has been dating since she was about 16, and hasn't been single much since. She would rarely be the person to end a relationship unless it was REALLY bad, instead she tries to change what she can about herself so that her boyfriend doesn't leave her.

Current boyfriend: I ship chemistry BUT in this case Jessie could have met a guy while at her lowest point of loneliness and decided to date him even if she wasn't all that interested, then just got into a "fake it 'till you make it" type of mindset.

Old friends: Since Jessie has never left Huntsville, she would have friends who could have been in her life since childhood or any point since.

Antagonistic: Jessie wasn't a bully by any means in high school, but she was self-absorbed and I could honestly have seen her steal someone's boyfriend at some point so lots of opportunity for people to dislike her.

[ambercast]

where: outside sheriff office who: reggie alson (( @crazedhatesoul ))

Zoë waited until she knew Reggie was leaving for the end of his shift before she approached him. "Excuse me, Deputy Alson, can I have a statement from you on the current situation here in Huntsville? I'm trying to gather quotes for my article." Yes, she had no idea when anyone would read said article, but it would still be a good idea to get law enforcement cited on it.

[lifeintheworldtocome]

What a funky guy!

[bhenchod]

If I see those posts that come due to the Based on your likes! Thingy too many time I bloxk the person report them for spam and say it isn't what I like. I'm evil and terrible but this is my world ok

[scftdevil]

"honestly, i'm not going to hurt you. i couldn't if i tried. everything i throw is just off of what i want it to be, and that's given that i can even get a grasp on whatever it is i am trying to move." benji waved her off, stepping further from her and closer to the fireplace. "it's not funny, and yet, it's hilarious. i don't know the others who died. they died long before i did, and i haven't seen them here since i woke back up. or appeared, it's all fuzzy now." benji tucked his hands into his pockets as he looked the mantle over. there was a box, something small that the realtor must have brought by when he wasn't watching. "there's no one looking for me. i'm sorry, i never caught your name. i mean, you didn't give it, which is understandable. it's been a long time since i've talked to anyone. i've got terrible manners now. i used to have such good manners." he muttered to himself, always muttering to himself. "i'm benjamin, though only my mother called me that. benji. benji alson." he moved a hand over the box, it wasn't as stable as it should have been. it must be her, nerves building on top of each other as he tried to grab the stupid thing. no luck. "i'm dead. and i am stuck here. you can call the cops, but even if i stand in the middle of the room, they won't see me. you can run and hope i am not here later, but i'll still be here. trust me, i've tried to leave. you ever have one of those dreams where you keep trying to escape but your body is molasses? or it's a circle where there's not start or finish? that's my life now. so throw things at me, yell at me, sell the damn house. it doesn't matter to me. i'm benji, and i died here. and now i'll be spending my afterlife here."

The deaths. Shiloh heard about them, he agent had to disclose them to her, but they were so long ago that it hadn't bothered her. She didn't even know if most of the neighbours remembered them either. They were not fresh news anymore and there had been other owners since. But this guy remembered and now he was trying to tell her he was dead. "Oh," she said as she listened. She was unable to determine if he was preying on her with that or if he genuinely believed what he was saying. Both options made him dangerous and the compassion she had was hiding fear. The step she took back as he stood up was not a slow one anymore and the only thing comforting her was that the door was not far and it was broad daylight. Surely he wouldn't attack her out there. Then again, he seemed unstable. "Don't come closer," she said with as much bravado she could summon, raising her head in the air as if to stop him. "I don't know what you want but I don't find it funny." Clearly he didn't want something valuable with that attitude. "That would make you a ghost and that doesn't exist." Sure, there were stories but these could always be explained one way or the other. "Did you know the people who died?" she asked trying to continue to sound compassionate. Maybe he had known them years ago and had made up something within his mind. "Why don't we call someone, together? Is there someone that could be looking for you at the moment?" Clearly, he was having some sort of crisis. The door was almost there now, something that reassured her, escape being within reach.

[rougesoldat]

Personals Headcanons for the Shinigami in Kuroshitsuji

A post for @docmartensanddietcoke and for the Kuro fandom Team shinigami.

(Just, an old friend told me that put a “ s “ to the word “ shinigami “ was incorrect)

Headcanons Society Dispatch shinigami

>>A shinigami don’t immediately work. When a soul become a shinigami, she is sent in a “Accompanying House”. It’s an isolated, big propriety where “babies” shinigami live their first days. The shinigami learn them to read and write sometime, help them with the “futuristic” objects who are out of time, and alson help the shinigami to accept their punishment and don’t commit a second suicid. Sometime, the shinigami think that this place is the paradise and don’t want leave him, it’s the paradoxe of this place. 

>> The medecine department exist for the shinigami who get hurt after a mission. But, he's mainly knew for his psychatric wing, her asylum for unstable shinigami, her office drugs  controle and suicid cell.

>> a shinigami who can’t to work is send in the 4th basement. It’s a place where he does useless things for that he continues to work.

>> Because the sexism, the female shinigami are considered like too fragile and too emotional for to work in outside. However, they trained for to be multipurpose. They can to build and fix the scythes and the glasses, the complex administration, the secretariat and for the medecine, even the mental health. I think that during the War I, like the human women, they would be the only and the more important support for the male shinigami who will work on the No Man’s land.

>> A soul of shinigami is inedible for a demon.

>> With the thorn of death, he exist dangerous virus shinigami. The stress to have much work can to cause a black sweats who cause a dangerous madness. The solution is to kill the shinigami who cause this stress.

>> The shinigami keep many memories of their old life, but every head and face of persons are erased, except the face of shinigami saw.

>> He’s exist a department for the suicide here

Headcanons shinigami

>> Grell Sutcliff For to don’t become a shinigami, Grell had the idea to do to believe that he was much too mad and unstable for to become a shinigami, even if it was to stay closed during an eternity. It's a tutor stronger and intimidating that Grell who have successes to change the shinigami for to will become more “cooperative” with his job Grell loves the dogs (it’s why he loves Sebastian) but prefer the Siberian Husky because they are fluffs and sweet. After to read a fanfiction on the subject, i think that Grell take cocaine and opium. Grell didn’t wanted to train Ronald, but after, it was fun to him to create a Playboy. Grell suicided with a shaver.

>> William T. Spears He takes drugs for to work more but nobody knows this (except Grell who keep the secret) William is unstable for the shinigami officers. He failed her last psychotic test. He doesn’t know that her place of leader of department will take end soon and that he will be replaced by another shinigami. William did much erotic dream and had some phantasms during her job, but prefer to keep this in his spirit and far away of Grell. William doesn’t like Grell, but if Grell would disappear, he would lose her mental balance in some seconds. William loves the cats, as Sebastian.

>> Ronald Knox In his human life, Ronald was the son of a baron. Her father dead, he lived with her mother. Ronald was a rich who live with recklessness. So, a day, he frequented bad persons, and he accidentally killed her mother. Because he had killed the first woman who a man should respect, he considered that he don't deserved to live and put the gun in his mouth. Ronald didn’t like her punishment and preferred the Hell. He was unstable and the shinigami officers wanted to close him in the basement. Well, a tutor learned him to live her situation and Ronald success his exams before that Grell train him then. Ronald is a « Black Dog », a nickname for the shinigami « who obey to another master that the Superiors » He don’t know that his watch hide a secret Ronald is afraid by Othello since a medical joke when he was young.

>> Othello He looks porn « for the science » He did a medical joke, with a syringe, because Ronald break something in her laboratory. He created drugs during a moment for to grow her salary. He stole a book on the futures electronics invention, notably with the big chapter on the video games He loves the science since his old life, because he could no longer to walk outside after accident where he lost her legs.

>> Rudgar The train killed him. He broke her scythe during his first work day and nobody knows how he could to do. He was an excellent hunter in her old life. He’s a « Black Dog » like Ronald. His hair never saw a hairbrush.

>> Sascha He was considered as mad because of an unknown mental sickness, so, he lived in an asylum during a mainly part a life. He's hanged in her cell. Sascha is a hermaphrodite and the 6th case of shinigami hermaphroditism. He tokes drugs for to work more longer. The situation finished in a psychiatric cell with four months of recuperation.

>> Éric Slingby He suicided after the defeat and the dead of his Scotland clan. He’s not dead (because the fanfiction exist) and he works with the young recruits but don’t know if Alan is alive too. He shared in the same bedroom of William when they were young recruits. >> Alan Humphries He’s not dead (see the precedent note) and work for the personnel department, a closed department who only communicate by pigeons or letters. He has scars of thorn of death and don’t know the situation of Éric.

>> Lawrence Anderson He’s one of first shinigami and works on the glasses since the beginning of the Dispatch.

>> Others shinigami I called Ignatus, Michael and Jonathan these three shinigami

O.C  >> Jack Sutcliff It’s the twin of Grell, birth five minutes after him. (OKAY ! It’s my reaction to twin Ciels !!) He has been separate of Grell in his birth and suicided one month after him. He works in the German Dispatch for that there are not « Two Grell in the same place » and is the tutor of Rudgar. He loves to seduce the women and the opera. His hair is red and long but attached. His teeth are same as brother but her fang are more long. Her overcoat are long and black but red inside. Grell named « Jack the Ripper » in reference for this brother and sent him a photo of Madame Red. Jack is fell of love of her but was completly broken when Grell tell him that he killed her. Since this day, Jack don’t speak to Grell. He has deserted some weeks later (with her scythe and her glasses). Grell don’t know where he hides him and if he’s always in life.

>> Baskerville : He’s a black dog of emotionnal support. Grell had him a little before the War I. He’s a crossbreed between two races of sled dogs.

>> Crimson : A black cat of emotionnal support of William. He hates the demon as his master and he’s cold as him, but loves to sleep on her works papers.

O.C.C >> Ada Because since her creation in the manga, I imagine her to become a shinigami a day. Ronald is the only person that she remembers. So, Ronald will be his instructor. If her first objectify was to take Ada in his bed, she became like a sister for him as he became a brother for her.

>> Lawrence Bluer The events of Blue Arc finished by to break him. He considered himself like a shame and a danger for his sisters, and like a monster. He’s become a shinigami in the end of XIXe and became the better student of William, then her subordinate.

[callofthxvoid]

And you, my father, there on the sad height, Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray. Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

TW: death, blood, gore

Dahlia was going into the last hours of her night shift, the early morning light pouring through the station windows, when the phone rang. It wasn’t the first time that she had answered a call from someone reporting that a door had been found wide open. It probably wouldn’t be the last. But as she talked to the concerned neighbour on the other end, jotting down the pertinent details and waving her co-captain over to get the ambulance ready, she felt a cold chill run through her entire body when she was told which house it was.

No. No, it couldn’t be. She had literally talked to Evora last night, a few casual messages exchanged as she was clocking in for her shift, and her friend was leaving the Huntsville Daily. They were meant to be having drinks later. And besides, Evora would never, ever forget to lock the door behind them.

She simply wouldn’t.

Hanging up the phone, she took a deep breath before turning toward Phoenix. “I should be fine,” she reassured him, drawing from the years of experience she had learning how to compartmentalise her feelings in order to do her job. Dahlia, for all of her rational levelheadedness, did not actually enjoy being cool and collected and detached from her emotions, but being a paramedic meant that she had to be. Her job meant frequently sitting with people in the last moments of their life. It meant meeting their loved ones on the worst day of theirs.

Today, she was both a paramedic and a loved one. Today, more than ever, she had to keep it together.

“I should be fine,” the paramedic captain repeated as she climbed into the passager seat of the ambulance, letting Phoenix drive so that she could spend the journey mentally and emotionally steeling herself. She took another deep breath as they pulled out of the station and began driving toward Evora’s house. “But I appreciate the backup. And the moral support.”

It was never easy stepping into the scene of a potential massacre. But as she braced herself for what was to come, Dahlia discovered that it was much harder to bring herself to walk inside when she knew that what she might be walking in on was the gruesome death of one of her friends. Or rather, she tried to brace herself for what was to come, but no amount of experience dealing with death could have prepared her for what this would feel like.

She had never actually lost someone close to her before.

As soon as Dahlia stepped into the living room, seeing the bodies of Evora and her roommate on the floor with both of their ribcages ripped open and several organs missing, she immediately gasped and turned around. Covering her mouth, she took a moment to choke down a sob before rapidly blinking away the tears that had pooled in the corners of her eyes. After a few deep breaths, she pulled herself together as best as she could before turning back around, reaching for her radio as she stepped closer. “Sheriff Browne, Deputy Sheriff Alson, this is Paramedic Captain Cruz-Dutton,” she started, staring at Evora’s lifeless face as she spoke. “We’ve got two bodies here. Door was wide open when we arrived. At first glance, it looks like the monsters got them, but…”

When she was finally able to tear her gaze from her friend, Dahlia turned her head to carefully study the scene around them, her eyebrows furrowing when she discovered the discrepancies between what she had experienced in the past and what she was seeing now. “Something feels off. I don’t know what it is, but it's too… Clean. There isn’t nearly enough blood splatter. Or blood in general. The bodies...” She paused to collect herself. “The bodies are too... Too neat. It almost looks staged to me. But I'll wait to confer with the officers when they arrive on the scene.”

After she called it in, the rest of the morning passed by in a blur. It was as if Dahlia was operating on autopilot. She could remember helping Phoenix brief in the people from the Sheriff’s Office when they arrived, she could remember supervising the bodies as they were moved into the ambulance for transportation; she could even remember hearing Phoenix speaking to Jay, asking her to pick up the twins, and then to DJ, asking him to come over. But it didn’t quite feel like it was her. She was already watching the ambulance drive away toward the funeral home when she realised that she had escalated from compartmentalisation into full disassociation.

Excusing herself from the scene, she found herself taking deeper and deeper breaths as she walked down the street, steadily picking up the pace until she was practically sprinting. Rounding the corner, Dahlia leaned against the wall and let out a painful, strangled sob before covering her face. Sinking down into a pile on the sidewalk, she finally allowed herself to cry as the grief that she had been keeping at bay all morning came pouring out of her.

I’m sorry, Evora. I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you.

[msc137]

his eyes are wide, pupils blown out, tears streaming down his face. he lets out an agonized sob and frantically crawls backwards, away from them.

domtt tocuh me! get away drom me ppelazd sjdut leave me alsone.

is there any alcohol here?

- @msc137

No.

I know you got into my drug cabinet. I should've locked it...

Stay where you are. I'll be right there. Don't try to hide from me, because I will find you.

[grizzleybruuh]

the worst part of falling in love when you're suffering severe and/or chronic depression (and comorbid disorders) is the following:

- you get used to not being happy. literally, it seems stupid, but you kinda find a state of equilibrium in misery. you find your coping mechanisms. you accept that real happiness is not for you, so you cherrish the moment of moderate joy.

- but falling in love is a risk. a horrible risk. because you get all this serotonin and you experience joy. like real joy, the kind where you smile from your heart with such an unignorable force. you get moments of safety, you start thinking "maybe i can be better"

- but you are sometimes suspicious. you get insecure about your own behavior. things that might have been natural and easy in earlier relationships now get questioned by yourself which in itself changes your attitude infront of your loved one. and THE LAST thing you want is your partner to know, know that your damaged, know that your defects irreparable. to see that thing in him you always see when someone gets to know you, at some point they start seeing cracks and get a feeling of "i dont know what it is but there is something not right"

- so you hope that he/her/they dont leave. its not that you are or ever were a dependent person. usually you are more avoidant, need your "me-time", you are not the person to make the other the center of your universe. but this fear to lose this, not your partner itself, but this glimpse of joy. the hope that you dont have to live like this anymore. that the emptyness is finally gone maybe? that you are important for someone. that someone thinks you are not broken, you are strong, you are their rock.

- i think for me it's that one scenario in my mind. this thing that leaves nothing of me. that robs me of my personality. like being trapped in a room. at the beginning you scream. you cry and scream for someone to release you. you try everything, you smash against the walls, you scream threats, you do all you can. but with time... there comes the realization. no one is coming. and thats when something breaks in you. something in the very essence of your being shatters. you can almost hear it. you go quiet. you surrender. you just sit there and wait for it all to end because this will not stop. you just have to endure it. you go numb. and day by day there is less left of you. it's just the emptiness. you can see it on your eyes when you look into the mirror.

- but when they leave... thats whats the worst. because they always do. the desperation is all consuming. and it's not normal heart ache. its not the usual "it hurts bc they are gone". it's the fear of going back. now you know how miserable you were before. you now saw what could be, what actual, normal happiness is. how it feels to go to sleep without a pounding heart and wake up without dread of the day and the days to come. you had dreams of functioning not because you must, but because you had faith. you wanted to get better, be better FOR SOMEONE.

- how could you be mad at them? how could i be mad at him? it's not his fault, i cant force him to stay. the thing i want and need must be given freely. but that makes you so powerless. you will always be powerless about this, you are at the mercy of others, of coincidence and circumstances. things might go well, but it's like a house of cards. you are trying to build it and rebuild it, but then comes an episode and everything crumbles. you lose everything, achievements, social contacts, motivation. everything i touch will break eventually.

- and now you're back, back in bed. not standing up. the mornings take hours, the evenings are a grotesque mix of hating, being alsone, mania and anxiety. somewhen in the middle you function and do the bare minimum. one task, one big, giant taks.. like getting noodles and a cola from the store. thats it. that's how its gonna be. i am tired. i am so tired. all i want is so go to sleep. all i ever wanted was to sleep. i am awake not for myself but for others. it's like a treadmill, way to fast and i am tired but i cant stop.

recently i read this one motivational quote: "no one is coming to save you from yourself". it is meant to motivate you to do things on your own and pull yourself out. but for me this invokes a fear i cant articulate. i realized that maybe thats what deep inside i am hoping for. this broke me. this was the moment of my very last defeat.

[luchagoth]

LEAVE ILJ ALSONE

[therealuniverse]

Twinkling star The bright star at the center of this image is Epsilon Aurigae, one of the bright stars in the constellation Auriga (the Charioteer) located in the sky between the constellations Perseus and Gemini. Observations of this star since the 1800s demonstrated something fascinating about it – every 27 years, the star dims by a factor of about 2.5 before brightening again after 2 years. The light curve for this star is shown in the second image.

The most recent dimming of this star occurred 2009-2011. During that time, observations by both amateur astronomers and the Spitzer Space Telescope were able to capture spectral measurements of the star to see if something was in-between that star and our observation point. They were able to verify that there is dark material (dust) in the system that occasionally moves in-between that star and our eyes, blocking out some of the light. But, what is holding that dust in place or suppying that dust? The answer came with better measurements of the star’s position and mass from the ESA Gaia spacecraft, which is built to create an extremely precise map of star positions in our galaxy. It turns out there are 2 stars in this system; the one we see has about 5x the mass of our sun and there is a separate star with about 2x the mass of our sun that we can’t easily see. That second star once started as a much larger star, about 10x the mass of our sun, but most of its outer layers have been lost late in its lifetime, leaving a large cloud of dust that migrates around Epsilon Aurigae and partially obscures our view when it enters our line of sight. -JBB Image credit: Image Credit: Alson Wong and Citizen Sky https://apod.nasa.gov/apod/image/1001/EpsilonAurigae_wong900.jpg https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Epsilon_Aurigae#/media/File:Epsilon_Aurigae_eclipse_light_curve.png Reference: https://doi.org/10.1093/mnras/sty639

[thelovelylights]

me:

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