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[miragelaw01]

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[builtbybrokenbells]

Rotten Apple | JTK

Karmic relationships indicate feeling or expressing a passionate response very early on in a relationship. Oftentimes, instant chemistry is mutually felt. Sometimes, the drain of that connection or addiction to a partner is described as exhausting rather than feeling calmly settled in a grounded partnership. (Elizabeth Keohan, LCSW-C, LICSW, LCSW)

Listen while reading: (the entire fic is based off this song so I highly suggest at least reading the lyrics before reading 😁)

Pairing: Jake Kiszka x f!reader

Word Count: 16k

Warnings: PLEASE HEED THE WARNINGS BEFORE READING AS THIS STORY COULD BE POTENTIALLY HARMFUL/UPSETTING TO SOME READERS//SMUT 18+, semi-public sex, unprotected sex, fingering (f!receiving), oral (f!receiving), sir kink, choking, touch of orgasm denial, dom/sub, possessiveness, jealousy, degradation, name calling, praise, rough sex, toxic themes/relationships, heavy implications/explanations of cheating/infidelity, actual cheating/infidelity, chronic cheaters, gaslighting/manipulative phrases, fighting, arguing, crying, insulting, mentions of bad relationships/relationship trauma, mistresses/home wrecking, self hatred/self sabotage, remorse/regret, depression, anxiety, (lots) angst, (some) fluff, drinking, swearing, sorry if i miss any!

and im back 😙 please tread carefully with this one if any of the aforementioned warnings are personal to you. this definitely isn’t some people’s cup of tea! aside from that, enjoy, be kind, and don’t mind any grammar mistakes 🤍 (so sorry, very lightly edited. just wanted to get this posted so i can keep going with more stuff 😁) (also another side note, I do not condone cheating at all. was just an idea that sparked some creativity is all)

Innocence is over

Hey ah na na, over

Ignorance is spoken

Hey ah na na, spoken

Confidence is broken

Hey ah na na broken

Sustenance is stolen

Hey ah na na, stolen

Arrogance is potent

Hey ah na na, potent, yeah

“Y/N!” Your name screamed over the busy chatter of the crowd around you, catching your attention and turning your head.

House parties had always been so overrated, and since high school, it seemed the scene hadn’t changed a bit. Even in your late twenties, the spill of alcohol on the floor made your soles sticky and the haze in the air choked you as you breathed. The home you were in was familiar, but certainly not comfortable, and the memories that lived inside the walls were haunting as they flashed before your eyes. The crowd of people around you only made it harder to escape the stalemate remembering had put you in. Still, you pushed a smile on to your face, holding the hand in yours a little tighter as you marched forward toward the greeting.

So many questions flooded your mind as you closed in on the perpetrator of your punishment. You knew they would all be here; they invited you, after all. The text message exuding formalities and lacking substance was the whole reason you stepped foot in the door in the first place, and you knew without a doubt that they would be waiting to greet you soon as you showed.

Well, three of them, anyway.

You swallowed your pride, leading your company through the swarm of bodies. The weaving was tiresome, and you had only just begun navigating your way through an exhausting journey. It was too early to be tired, too soon to be so cynical, yet it was all you could do. Something about the story was too repetitive for you to believe the night would end any differently than you imagined when you received the invitation.

The questions continued to beat against your skull, twisting around the guitar riffs and raspy voices flowing through the speakers in the living room. It made for a violent pair, and your eyes began aching from the pressure behind them. Your body was telling you it was a bad idea, but you couldn’t listen. You had faith that the night would be different, that you would be different, stronger than you were before.

You could turn around, submit to your already guilty conscience and run out the door. You could pretend you never heard your name at all, and more importantly, pretend you never read the message in the first place. You responded too fast to a person who should have been long deleted from your contact list, but if you played the game well enough, you could climb out of the hole you already dug yourself in. You could come out on top of this, you could conquer the world that previously held you back from succeeding. All it took was turning around, leaving, walking away from him.

For some reason, your feet continued forward, neglecting every warning your psyche could give. They carried you far enough that you landed before the person you knew you should walk away from.

No, not the person.

Just the closest one to him.

“Hey, Josh.” His name felt like poison on your tongue, already seeping through the gaps of your teeth and searing holes into the flesh. You could feel the pain deep into your jaw, running down the back of your throat and circling around your neck. The sensation was lethal, but it was addicting. Something about the brothers made you a sucker for the pain. You hated the names now, but you hated yourself more for never having the willpower not to speak them.

“I’m glad you came! I didn’t really think you would message me back.” He confessed, leaping forward and extending his arms outward.

He wanted a hug, innocent and warm, a sure way to greet you with all of the love he still had for you.

To you, it was none of those things. Instead, it served as a reminder of your catastrophic failures and the life you once lived. A life that was painful, ugly and cruel, but still seemed shiny, like a dream you craved to see in your deepest sleep. The person that used to hug Josh Kiszka was not someone you wanted to be, but it was someone you could not escape, someone who only showed herself when she was around him. You could not be around Josh without being near him, too, and for that reason alone you had pinned Josh with his brothers crimes, too.

Still, your arms wrapped around his torso, pulling him closer and torturing yourself with the scent of his cologne. As his arms closed in around you, the anguish of the familiar touch nearly sent you to your knees.

It wasn’t the same, but it was the closest thing to what you truly wanted.

“It’s been so long since I’ve seen you, I figured I’d stop by and say hi at least.” You replied, your head still swimming with uncertainty over the interaction. “I should probably be on my way soon, anyway. I can’t stay long.”

“Oh come on, stay a while! Don’t leave yet, you just got here!”

What game was he playing?

He knew the consequences of your presence in their lives, and he was lighting a match that would fuel an unstoppable fire.

“Maybe just for a little while.” You gave a soft smile, hiding your longing for the connection you had so long ago. His words were kind, more generous than they should be, but the weight of your past mistakes were heavy between you.

Maybe that was why you didn’t have the heart to turn him down. Subconsciously, you were stuck in some repetitive cycle of trying to right wrongs you were not fully responsible for.

“Who is this, anyway?” Josh turned to the man standing next to you, eyeing him carefully as he took in the sight before him. His gaze traveled from his face down to his arm, piecing it together once he saw your fingers still interlocked with his.

“This is Cole…” you said, slowly while Josh’s eyes moved back to meet your own. “My boyfriend.” You didn’t need to say the word. The implication was already painfully obvious, and all you did was rub salt in your open wounds.

Why did you bring him with you?

Why did you come at all?

“I see,” Josh grinned, but it was just as fake as your own cheeriness. You were both thinking the same thing, without a doubt for the future when the night came to an end. “It’s nice to meet you, Cole. I’m Josh.” He extended his hand for your new boyfriend to shake, the formality only slightly off putting as Josh’s eyes remained locked with yours.

‘Not tonight, Josh. Not this time.’ You tried to plead with him, silently telling him that tonight would be different than all the ones that came before. ‘It’s different now. You have to believe me.’

He did not, and you could not blame him. You did not even believe yourself.

By the end of the night, your relationship with the boy beside you would be no more. Jake Kiszka would see to that, and your undying desire for him would solidify it. It was a matter of time before you crossed his path, and not long after that would the incessant cycle resume exactly where it left off.

“Nice to meet you man.” Your boyfriend's voice was cheerful, and unlike yours, genuine. If only he knew the hurt he would endure, he would have left long before he ever experienced love at your hands.

No matter how hard you tried, it always ended the same way. No matter who it was, they were never able to compare to the boy who forever stole your heart.

“So how do you two know each other?” Cole asked, looking down at you now. You bit the tip of your tongue, standing stoic for a moment as you tried to come up with a quick lie. Without being too obvious, you tried to silently warn Josh to keep his mouth shut. You should have known better.

You have always known better.

“She’s never told you about Jake?” Josh laughed, finding the notion incredulous. He was too drunk to lie, but it wasn’t like he could ever do it sober. Your cheeks flushed and your eyes pointed towards the floor, feeling your heart jump to your throat and your head begin to ache. The poison of Jake’s name melted your tongue entirely, leaving you wordless and unable to defend yourself.

“Jake?” Your boyfriend asked, wearily speaking the name aloud as if it were a curse he was desperate to avoid. “Your uh… your ex?” He wanted clarification, or assurance that he was wrong, but it was something you could not give to him because he was right.

“Y-yeah.” You choked out, feeling your throat begin to close and air become scarce. “This is his brother.”

Innocence is over

Cole formed a tight-lipped smile, but did not let go of your hand. In an instant, he understood that attending the house party was not a mindless effort at a drunken date. He was not meeting your old friends, and he was not out to have a good time. Instead, the intent ran much deeper, and he was being used in a pissing contest for bragging rights to the ex he had always felt inferior to.

You wanted to assure him it wasn’t like that, but it was, and speaking would get you no further ahead of the game.

Why would Josh tell him? Why would he say it like that, as if Jake was the reason why you were there?

You closed your eyes, silencing your brain for a moment as you digested the truth.

Jake was the reason why you were there, and he was trying to spare Cole the heartbreak.

“He was barely an ex, Cole. You know that.” You spoke, bargaining with the distaste already forming in his heart.

Out of all of the dishonesty you had already dealt, that was the truth. An ex was not what you would classify Jake as, because you barely dated him. In fact, you hadn’t really dated him at all. You spent weeks secluded behind the walls of the very house you stood in now, nights wrapped up in him, tainting his sheets with the smell of your shampoo, but you were never his girlfriend.

You wanted to believe that if you had stayed just a little while longer, gave him a little bit more, maybe you would have been, but holding on to that belief was painful more than it ever served a comfort.

“Right,” he whispered, his hand still in yours. It felt wrong, just like it had the first time he ever held it. Cole never should have been in the middle of this, because he never should have been yours at all. You had no idea why you ever said yes to the title of girlfriend, because you never wanted it, and you had no idea why you invited him here tonight, especially knowing how it would end.

“Either way, it doesn’t matter. I don’t want to see Jake, I came to see you.” You said, pointing the finger at Josh to get yourself out of the spotlight. “You asked me, remember? What kind of friend would I be if I didn’t come to celebrate your new album?” You forced another smile, begging them both to believe that’s why you really showed up. Cole seemed to relax slightly at the sound of your words, but his chest still ached at the idea of being in Jake Kiszka’s house.

Was Josh encouraging you to fall back into old habits? Was Josh playing martyr for a cause that would only hurt everyone in the crossfire?

You could not believe he wanted to see you, because if he missed you so much, he would have shown up at your door. You would have went for coffee or shared dinner like you did so many times before, but instead he invited you to a party hosted by the one man you needed to stay away from.

“The worst.” He joked, playing along with your poor excuses. An awkward silence hung heavy between the the three of you. Nobody knew what to say, because no words could ever turn the conversation to a positive tone.

“Did you want a drink, baby?” Cole asked, looking over his shoulder to the liquor bottles on the kitchen table. You followed his gaze, eager for him to leave you alone so you could pry into Josh’s head.

“Yes, please.” You nodded, giving him a smile.

“Okay, I’ll be right back.” He said, clearly looking for a way out of the tense situation.

“I’ll be right here.” You promised. He seemed reluctant to leave you, but after a shared glance and silent reassurance, he retreated to the kitchen.

As soon as he was out of earshot, you turned to Josh again, desperate for an answer.

“Why did you invite me, Josh?” You asked, your tone turning grievous in an instant. The sweetness you held seconds before disappeared without a trace.

“He wanted me to.” Josh admitted, giving a shrug of his shoulder. “I didn’t know you’d bring a date.” He continued, his words more accusatory than you liked.

“Is it a crime?”

“When you know the consequences, yeah.” He answered, truthful with his response. “Listen, I’m happy to see you, Y/N. Whatever the fuck happens between you and Jake is none of my business. You’re my friend, and I’m glad you came, but I do think that you should be mindful of him before anything happens.”

“I’m not here to see Jake, Josh. I came because you invited me, because we’re friends. Remember, before all of this shit happened?”

“How could I forget?” He chuckled, thinking back fondly on the memories. Josh had been your friend first, the whole reason you knew Jake at all, but after all of the pain, your friendship with him seemed to get lost in the mess. “As much as I’d like to believe that you’re here to see me, we both know it’s not true.” He paused, thinking carefully before he spoke again. “And as much as I don’t want your new guy to get hurt, it would be nice to see you and Jake catch up, especially after it ended the way it did.”

“I’ve got nothing to say to him, Josh.” You crossed your arms over your chest, accentuating the cleavage in your already skimpy dress. You had picked it with Jake in mind, even if you would never admit it.

“You have lots to say, mama. We all know that.”

With that, a body presented itself beside you again and a drink was being offered to you. You sent Josh a pointed stare, letting the action finish the conversation for good. Josh nodded, placing a hand on your shoulder and giving a gentle squeeze before walking away.

Cole noticed, and you couldn’t blame him for his questioning gaze, but it did irritate you beyond belief. He was treading in waters too dangerous to survive.

Instead of asking, he opted to keep quiet in fear of the answer he would receive.

Ignorance is spoken

“It’s really nice of you to support Josh like that, even after Jake fucked you over.” Cole said, sending a small smile your way. You took a moment to admire him, his beauty, and his bare-faced stupidity.

“We’ve been friends for a long time. It’s the least I could do.” You shrugged, brushing off his sweet sentiments.

Cole knew you were not there to support Josh, but he was forcing himself to believe it. It was easier for him to digest, thinking that your intentions were friendly and honest. When he focused on the alternative for too long, he thought he would be sick.

Before you could respond, you were pulled into a whirlwind of emotion as your eyes fixated on something within the crowd. In the distance, you saw a flash of familiar brown hair. The sight made your stomach turn and your palms turn clammy.

He wanted you to come.

Josh’s words repeated in your head, making it hard to think of anything else. Jake wanted you there. He asked for you. He knew you would never answer if he asked you himself, because you had never been keen on giving him what he wanted.

That was yours and Jake's biggest problem; you wanted too much from each other, and neither of you had ever been very generous. He wanted more than you could give, and you wanted what he could not provide.

Despite knowing that about yourselves, there was this incessant temptation in both of your minds, forcing you to believe that you were the best the other could ever get, even if it never worked out, and even if all it ever caused was pain.

The familiar head was not pointed in your direction, but you were certain it would be soon. The two of you had an awful attachment to one another, the bond extending into the realm of spirituality and likely even far beyond it. If you walked in a room, he knew, no matter how far away or how invested he was in something else. If you left, your absence hung heavy in the air and haunted him, even if he did not witness you leave. He was completely in tune with you, knowing your next move without you saying a word.

Even if you tried to ignore it, you knew you felt it just the same when it came to his presence and absence.

He was a habit you couldn’t kick, a guilty pleasure and an addiction far more lethal than one to substance. You would search for him in every room, cry out for him and him alone in the darkest nights, and long for his company after he disappeared from sight. His voice was like venom, seeping under your skin and tainting the blood supply the minute it reached your ears. His eyes, easy to get lost in and your definite demise.

He was not good for you, and he never would be, but you couldn’t stop yourself from wanting him. He was the most karmic relationship you’d ever engaged in, punishing you for wrongs you’d committed long before you met him. At the same time, he was making you engage in far more at his hand than you ever believed possible. You didn’t want to want him, but it was impossible to deny. The thought of not needing him was obsolete, because you never knew a moment of peace after he walked into your life.

You could not be with him, and you knew even in the future it would never be in your cards, either. For some reason, even while knowing he was actively ruining your life, you jumped at the chance to love him one more time. You destroyed every opportunity given to you in favor of his twisted agenda, and you did it without regret or second thought. New relationships blossomed after he walked away from you, and failed when he decided to walk your way again. You needed to stay away, to put a boundary in place, but you loved his sin too much to refute it.

You had slowly come to terms with the fact Jake Kiszka would be your kryptonite until you took your dying breath. He was inescapable, and even if you would never truly be his, he would always have a part of you.

No, he would always have all of you, but he would never be yours to keep.

And just like the world ensured it a million times before, the head turned, and the familiar brown eyes seemed to be staring into your soul once more.

You couldn’t run, because he would always find you. You couldn’t run to him, because the boy by your side would know the truth behind the situation you had been trying so hard to keep a handle on. You were stuck, glued to the floor and locked in position until he decided to walk your way.

He was in control, and always had been. Since the moment you met him, you were happy to leave your fate in his hands, blindly trusting a man who only ever did what he could to fuck you over.

You couldn’t see all of his face, but you knew how beautiful he looked despite the crowd standing in his way. You could picture it crystal clear, the pout of his lips and the heavy-lidded eyes filled with lust. You knew the wrinkled furrow of his brow better than anything else in the world, and the softness of his skin and how good it felt under your touch.

As he stared, only his eyes visible to you, you knew he was envisioning all the same things.

“What’s wrong, babe?” Cole asked, his voice concerned. His hand on your back was excruciating, the overwhelming feeling of wrongness growing by the second.

You wanted to tell him, to send him away before he met the same fate as everyone who came before him, yet you couldn’t bear the thought of confessing all of your secrets to him. Some small part of you even believed you could avoid it this time, even whilst you felt the gravitational pull all the way across the room and through the crowd. You wanted to be the good guy and spare him, and you wanted to be the best person and end the cycle, but you knew neither would happen.

There were two reasons why you could not do those things; one being that Jake Kiszka made you into the worst version of yourself, and two, he was walking towards you now with no intent to slow.

“I-I’m okay,” you tried to assure him, but your voice was shaky and your words were weak. It did not take a genius to understand why, and as his eyes moved to look in the same direction of yours, his stomach was sick with fear. He did not know Jake by looks, but he knew you, and he knew that your pompous reaction would not be caused by anything other than him.

“Y/N, let’s go.” Cole said, trying to get you out of the situation before it began, but you were already in his sight, and there was no shying away. The hunter settled on prey, and you could only hope that Jake had enough kindness left in his heart to spare you from the suffering he so often inflicted upon you.

“I-I can’t.” You shook your head, noticing his grip move to your arm. He was trying to force you away, almost as if he knew his fate before it began to unfold.

“The fuck you can’t.” He scoffed, nudging you in the opposite direction of the man approaching you. “Let’s go.” He said again, harsher than the last.

You should listen.

You should leave.

It was too late, anyway. Your choosing of Jake over anyone else was a disaster, but it was something no outward intervention could have possibly changed. It was your own personal law, and when it came to a competition between Jake and anyone else, the contender always lost.

He was in front of you again. Months of static silence and breaking hearts, months of longing and yearning for something you could not have, finally came to a bitter end. It had been so long since you were face to face with Jake that you almost managed to forget how intoxicating his aura was. Almost, being the key word, because deep down you knew you would never forget a thing about him.

“Long time no see, sweetheart.” His voice was like liquid gold, washing down over you and curing any ailment that plagued you. The pout of his lip had only become more irresistible, and his chocolate coloured irises locked you in for eternity. Even if you wanted to leave, you knew it to be impossible.

“Could have kept it that way.” You replied, your lips turning down into a slight frown. Your eyes, though, told a much different story that he was quite privy to. You were good at keeping the feelings between the two of you a secret to anyone looking in, but inside, you were dying for him to touch you. Just once, just for a second so you could ascend to heaven again. It was a feeling only he could give, and you had been deprived of it for a long time, constantly in search of the high since his absence began.

“Right,” he chuckled, remembering your snarky tone all too well. “That’s why you came to my house? To bitch at me for saying hi?” His words were evil, and so was his tone, but you nearly went weak in the knees hearing the domineering voice once again. His eyes held emotion different from the venom of his words, and you could feel how thrilled he was to see you again.

“It wouldn’t be me if I wasn’t bitching at you for something, Jacob.” You reminded, keeping your expression stony so he could not use anything to his advantage.

“Of course, angel. It’s what I love most about you.” He smirked, nodding in agreement. You noticed his eyes flicker to the man beside you, the one holding your arm so tightly in hopes he could pull you away. Jake bit back a bigger smile, knowing there was nothing strong enough in the world to pull you away from him.

His black dress shirt was held together by the bottom three buttons. A fitted suit jacket was settled neatly atop it, but it was not screaming anything overly fancy. The cheap necklaces around his neck dumbed down the expensive clothing, but you cursed how remarkably well it worked together. His dress pants hugged his hips, and the tanned skin of his chest held your attention. It was not the clothes that sent you mad, but the fact you had before studied the beautiful intricacies that lie beneath.

“Are you going to introduce me to your little friend?” He cocked his head to the side ever so slightly, raising his eyebrow in inquiry.

Little was a term he used only to assert his dominance. Cole stood heads taller, and his shoulders were much wider, but in the moment, Jake appeared much bigger than the man beside you. His ego was so large that it left no space in the room for anyone else, and his confidence made Cole pale in comparison to him.

“Boyfriend.” Cole corrected, his jaw clenched and his grip on you growing tighter by the minute. At that, Jake laughed out loud, unable to hold his feelings on the matter. Cole swallowed back the bitter taste it left in his mouth, but opted not to respond.

“Okay.” Jake nodded, looking back to you for clarification. “Your boyfriend.” He reworded his question, putting emphasis on the term and making it painfully apparent he had no interest in talking to Cole at all.

“This is Cole.” Was all you said, your nostrils flaring slightly at Jake’s egotistical expression. As much as you craved for him to touch you, you weren’t blind to his abhorrent tendency towards cockiness.

“You move on quick, sweetheart.” He noted, glancing back at the other man for a moment. You scowled at his willingness to shame you for dating another when he was the one who drove you to it in the first place. Before you could comment on his misplaced belief, a blonde haired woman appeared beside him, making the situation all the more tense. You forced a smile on your lips, watching closely as she clumsily grabbed his arm, claiming her territory without a trace of humility.

“Seems like you do, too.” You shot back, biting down on the tip of your tongue hard enough to draw blood. The metallic taste filled your senses, but the pain did nothing to deter the rise of anger in your chest.

She did not say a word, but she did not have to. She was the same to Jake as Cole was to you: a placeholder.

As much as you were a victim to Jake, he was just the same to you.

You moved on, found another to replace the hole he left in you when he walked away. He found her, hoping she would feel as good in his arms as you did, but she could never give him the same thing. She could try until the end of time, but both of you knew she could never come close.

“Was nice seeing you, Y/N. Don’t be a stranger.” His words were equal to a dismissal of the conversation, but his eyes spoke something completely different. He wasn’t done, and neither were you. He approached you with intent to start anew, and he would see through to it no matter who got caught in the crossfire.

He slung a lazy arm around her waist, giving you a subtle wink before pulling her off in the same direction they came.

You thought you were going to be sick, your entire body aching with the knowledge he was touching someone other than you. You wondered if you loving someone else plagued him with the same illness, or if he viewed it as a game. You constantly feared that he did not feel for you what you felt for him, but you’d always been too afraid to ask.

“What a fucking douchebag.” Cole muttered, only loosening his grip on you after Jake was out of sight. As he let go, you raised your opposite hand to the same spot, rubbing the sore skin where his fingers rested moments before.

“He’s not that bad, Cole.” The defense slipped out without a second thought, and his misplaced confidence was shattered entirely. You looked up at his face, wide eyed and regretful of your words, but the damage was done and a fight was unavoidable.

Confidence is broken

“Not that bad?” He echoed, practically scoffing the words out.

“Yeah, Cole. Not that bad.” You repeated, rolling your eyes. “He’s full of himself, yeah, but when you get to know him, he’s actually got a pretty good heart.”

“Good enough heart to fuck someone else in your bed?” He questioned, remembering the tearful stories you had told after too much wine. Your expression dropped, your heart plummeting to your stomach as you were forced into a memory you were committed to forgetting. “Did you actually come here to see him?”

“Yeah, he’s an alright person, but a shitty fucking boyfriend.” You nodded, swallowing back the lump forming in your throat. “Which is why I’m dating you, and not him.” You clarified, averting your gaze to the ground. “No, I didn’t come here to fucking see him, Cole.”

“I’m sorry, baby.” He whispered, realizing his harsh words were not needed.

At the same time, they were. You were playing the victim to avoid being the bad guy. You hated being the bad guy, and when it came to Jake, you couldn’t seem to escape the title.

“I’m going to go to the bathroom.” You forced the words through your teeth, feeling the whirlwind of memories wash over you like acid rain. Your skin burned as they continued to flow, and you knew that you would die before you could ever outrun them.

“Babe, come on.” He pleaded, reaching out for your shoulder to hold you in place. You shook him off as soon as his fingers connected with your body, stepping away without a second thought.

Without any regret, you left him amidst the swarm of people in the house of your ex whom you knew you’d end up in bed with by the end of the night.

Even though the thought normally settled your upset stomach, not even the promise of sex with Jake could cure the sickness that washed over you. Remembering was the biggest curse of your entire relationship, and unfortunately for you, most of your relationship was remembering. You went without him more often than you were with him, and even the sweetest of memories were tainted with sins and sourness.

You navigated your way to the bathroom blind, your sight ridden with pictures of Jake shirtless in your bed, and worst of all, shirtless in bed with someone else.

If not for you knowing the house so well, you would have gotten lost in the endless sea of flashbacks.

From the very beginning, yours and Jake’s relationship was bound to fail. It began from lies and deceit, and it would carry on the same way until the next bitter end.

“And this is my twin brother, Jake, and his girlfriend, Suzanne.”

“You can call me Suz,” she flashed you a breathtaking smile, extending her arm towards you.

You barely registered her hand in your face, nor her friendly introduction, because you were too busy gawking at the blinding beauty of the long haired man beside her. You cleared your throat, swallowing hard and blinking twice to bring yourself back to reality. Even as you reached to shake her hand, you were unable to focus on her. As disrespectful as it was, even if it was her boyfriend, he was someone who was meant to be admired.

Plus, his wandering eyes and lustful gaze made it all the more easy to completely discredit the woman offering you her kindness.

Of course, it started that night. It started the minute his eyes locked with your own, like an unavoidable omen of the horror you would soon endure. The connection was instantaneous, and the desire followed not far behind. Although you didn’t sleep with Jake the first night you met him, you were no better than a mistress without ever taking your clothes off.

It started with lustful glances, then came the flirting in secrecy. Within days, he was going out of his way to catch you in the hallway or alone in a room to profess his affection for you. Weeks after that, the touching began, slowly but surely. It started with a lingering hand on your back, or hugs that never should have been initiated at all. Then, his hands drifted closer to your hips, and even worse, your ass. The hugs lasted far too long, and his lips treaded dangerously close to your skin.

You hated thinking about what you did to that poor woman, the tearful eyes as she berated the two of you as one. She was kind, she was beautiful, and she deserved better, but Jake Kiszka had always been too much to resist. Now, he was a habit you could not kick.

Over the years, the women became countless, and then men from your relationships, too. Everyone else saw that you could never keep a relationship, but it ran far deeper than that. You did exceptionally well at hiding your affections, and even better at hiding your betrayals. Jake and you never felt the desire to commit to one another, so instead you ruined other people while you committed to your relationship in every way other than officially. You did not intend to hurt so many people, and you never planned to betray others on behalf of each other, but it always seemed to happen no matter how hard you tried to stay away.

And then one day, the two of you had enough. You had lost too much humanity on your endless quest to be with each other, sacrificing too many people in the process. You decided to try, to be with each other in an honest and sincere way, just to make the world a little bit better for each other. You wanted to love each other openly, without anything or anyone standing in the way.

But, you didn’t want to be in a relationship.

Exclusivity was agreed upon, but labels were tossed in the garbage. The two of you convinced yourselves you were happy with the arrangement, and for a while, you truly were. At first, you kept it very quiet. You went on dates and stayed the night at each others houses, but only rarely. Most of the time, it was quick hookups whenever you had the opportunity to do so.

Then, things changed, and in his opinion, for the worst.

Both of you fell in love, completely and utterly, without question or care. Your apartment was forgotten after weeks of you staying in his bed. You shared meals together, sat outside on the porch and watched sunsets and sunrises, and said I love you in every action, but never aloud. Jake was indefinitely intertwined in your life in every way possible, and you were happy with it, until he said the dreaded ‘L’ word aloud.

It slipped out, carefully and quietly while you laid in his lap on the couch, watching reruns of your favourite shows. At first, you thought you misheard him, but the silence that hung in the air told you the truth about his words.

You loved him too, and you cursed yourself for not being able to say it back. You thought that it was too much too soon, despite living with love surrounding you constantly. It scared you, and you reacted with fear, even with your heart screaming at you to stop.

You didn’t say it back, because you neglected labels and thought it was not possible to be in love because of that. And, true, genuine love scared the absolute shit out of you.

It scared him too, but he seemed to harness more courage in that moment than you had in your entire life. Instead of applauding him for it, you effectively slapped him in the face.

For a few days, things carried on like normal, but you could notice the tension in the air. Every day, you could tell he waited to hear it, that he needed you to say it back, but it never came. After a while, he began to pull away, showing the old Jake that made you fall in lust with him in the first place. There were no more shared meals, and definitely no more sunset gazing. The television was off more often than it was on, and the blankets on the couch remained neatly folded on the back. The bed felt empty, even when both of you lied in it, because the distance between you two grew larger by the day.

But the sex?

It was better than it had ever been.

You wanted to tell him that you loved him too, but you were so paralyzed with fear that the word got stuck in your throat every time you tried to speak. Instead, you let him distance himself, knowing you’d already pushed him too far away. You continued to fall more in love with him, and he forced himself to fall out of love.

Then, you came home to him in bed, but he was not waiting for you. Instead of anticipating your arrival, so you could live as roommates rather than lovers, you found him wrapped up in another woman who gave him more than you could in the moment.

It was tearful, angry, and loud. Things were thrown, shattered on the floor, and your throat was raw from belittling the man you had only ever wanted to love.

You had finally gotten the karma you had rightfully deserved, and you finally understood the horrible pain you had inflicted on so many others.

The story finally ended the same way it started, but the two of you never recovered.

You moved out, but you were never able to rid yourself of Jake Kiszka. Intermittently, drunken and sad, you’d show up at each others doorstep and give in to your needs once more. He hated himself for hurting you, and you hated yourself for letting it get to that point. Blame was abundant, and regret plentiful, but one thing never changed; the fact that you two never fully fell out of love.

Too fearful of hurting each other the same way again, you fell back into old habits. You and Jake could never commit to each other, but could never stop loving one another enough to put an end to your toxic ways and commit to someone else. The second time around, it was much more difficult, and a lot messier. Your secret-keeping abilities had greatly decreased, and worst of all, everybody knew how you felt about each other.

When he left for his last tour, ready to release a new album and move forward in his career, you took it upon yourself to try and end the curse indefinitely. You blocked his number, removed him from your life in the most brutal ways possible, and you never spoke to him again. You vowed to start over, to be better, to love someone properly without the memory of Jake Kiszka tainting it before it could begin, and you did well.

For a while, at least. Until Josh sent you the damned message that landed you at his house that night.

With a boyfriend who you’d been with for long enough to take a bigger step, you crawled back to Jake like a dog who’d been lost without him. All it took was a single glance, and you knew Cole would meet the same fate of so many others, and you would meet the same fate that would inevitably ruin your life.

Your hands gripped the countertop of the bathroom tightly, holding yourself upright as the grief did all it could to break your bones. Your chest was heavy, your heart aching and your mind overrun with thoughts of a man you could never fully comprehend. He hurt you, and you hurt him, but never enough to put a stop to it for good. There was something deeper, something so incomprehensibly strong tying your souls together, even if you wanted to sever the bond. You could run to the ends of the earth, away from him and all of the mistrust and deceit the two of you had created, but you knew you would run so far that you would end up behind him, whispering in his ear as you pleaded to start anew.

You looked up at the mirror, trying to understand the woman staring back at you. She was a stranger, a shell of the woman who existed before meeting Jake. She was barren, cold, and tired. She wanted to love, but could not love anyone other than him, no matter how hard she tried. The bathroom door was cracked open ever so slightly, the glow of the hallway light illuminating your tired features, only worsening the sorrow you had for your former self.

As if on cue, the door creaked open by the push of a hand. The yellow glow of the lightbulbs were blocked by a body, casting a shadow over the already dim room. You did not need to look to know who it was; you could feel his presence without ever seeing his face, and it was just as beautiful as you remembered.

No matter how much you hated yourself for the relentless cruelty you inflicted and endured, it could never amount to the love you held for him in your heart.

“What are you doing up here, all by yourself?” The words were sickly sweet, settling in your spine and relieving you of all the tension that gathered over the course of the night. Without even looking at his face, you felt yourself stepping towards him, gravitating to the one thing that continually held you to the earth.

Jake closed the bathroom door behind him, locking the two of you inside together, looking at your sad expression with the utmost regret in his heart.

If only he could do it right, to take back all of the wrongs that got you to where you were, he would do it in a heartbeat, for you.

But you had always been better off as a dirty little secret, and he made a much better whore than he did a lover.

“Waiting for you to come and find me.” You quipped back, covering the sadness in your eyes with a soft smile. He stepped towards you, meeting you in the middle. He reached forward, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear as he gazed down over your face.

“You look like a fucking whore.” He rasped, his voice quiet but not hateful. His eyes raked over your body, taking in your low cut dress revealing more of you than he’d seen in a long time. His hand dropped from your face entirely, instead reaching forward and anchoring itself on your hip.

You leaned closer, your painted lips barely hovering over his own. The warmth of his breath on your skin was enough to make you forget about your sadness, and any remorse for your actions fled the minute he touched you.

“You don’t like it?” You asked, pushing your bottom lip into a pout. It grazed his own, sending a rush of emotion straight through the both of you. In an instant, you were one again, two bodies combined into a single entity after being forced apart.

“Oh, sweetheart.” He let out a low chuckle, shaking his head ever so slightly at your dramatics. “You know better than that.” His other hand rose, settling on the back of your neck. The pressure of his hand on the base of your skull caused your head to tilt upwards towards his just a little more, just enough for him to see your eyes. “I love it.”

“Did you miss me, baby?” You asked, your mouth watering at the thought of tasting him alone. His cologne was suffocating, but it was so delicious that it helped you forget about the dying itself.

“Do I have to answer that?” He smirked, his body nearly completely pressed into your own. The space between you was non-existent, blatantly showcasing your lack of growth during your time apart.

Sustenance is stolen

“No, because I know you did.” Before the words even left your tongue, his lips were on yours in a heated reunion.

The sensation was euphoric, something you’d been searching for without ever realizing it. The whine that rattled your chest sent a shiver down his spine, only encouraging his bad behavior further. He drank in the sound like a man dying of thirst, desperate for a drop of anything you could give him. You were the only woman in the world who could do such things to him, and despite pledging to stay away, the two of you would always end up in each other's arms. Whether it be morally right, or morally wrong, his arms were where you were always meant to be.

In an instant, you were no longer the woman who came to the party with a boyfriend who treated her well. That title was ripped from you, stolen from his grasp in exchange for a single moment alone with the man who forever plagued your mind. Just like every man before, he stole you from him like a thief in the night, never satisfied unless he could make you his own again. He knew the love you gave was addicting, and anyone who received it was dependent upon it. He did not commit such thievery for any reason unjust, but because he remembered the effect of your affections so well. Without you, he thought he would die, and because of that, he was willing to sacrifice any other man’s life so he could survive off your love alone.

The taste of alcohol lingered on his tongue, making the moment all the more enticing. His touch was burning, but only ever pleasantly. Right and wrong did not exist; only he did, and you submitted to the knowledge that you lived solely to be his. You were not cut out to be a wife for a man who had his life together, and you were not meant to mother a child or start a family with a man who earned his keep honestly and loved sincerely. You were a mortal being who’s soul had been blackened with lust for an entity with more power than you could comprehend. You were born to play Jake’s twisted game, and over time, you had grown happy to be a part of it.

You were a whore, but only he knew how to pry that out of you. His words were laced with poison, his tongue made of opiate, his touch of ecstasy, and every action completed with intention to kill. You would not commit the crimes for another, because there was nobody else worth the effort.

“Taste just as sweet as I remember, Angel.” He withdrew a long breath, parting from you for just long enough to utter the praise.

“So good you couldn’t stay away.” You whispered, wishing he would kiss you again. It had been so long since you experienced such pleasure that you thought you might die without it.

“I can never stay away from you, sweetness.” He said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world, and in his defense, it was.

He backed you up against the countertop, locking you in place with his hips. As he leaned his top half towards you, you leaned backwards to allow him easier access. His lips landed on the side of your neck, his kiss gentle and nowhere near what you remembered of him.

For a second, you let yourself believe there was some kind of sentiment behind his action, like he still cared and wanted to appreciate having you again.

Then, you pushed the thought from your head. The worst thing you could do to yourself was imagine that Jake cared about you, even if it was true.

His mouth traveled downward, drifting over the column of your neck and brushing over your collarbone. His tongue trailed over the soft skin, reminding himself of all he missed out on while he was gone. He was a man gone mad, driven to insanity just from the taste of you on his tongue. As tempted as he was to leave a mark behind, to claim territory that had always rightfully been his, he knew he couldn’t. He did not want to make the fallout any worse than it needed to be.

Instead of showing his true feelings, he spoke it into existence as an insult, inadvertently begging for you to validate his feelings on the matter.

“What would your little boyfriend think of you now?” He muttered, his face buried in your chest as his mouth ghosted over every available inch of skin. The hum of his voice against your body made you weak in the knees, but his words plagued you with guilt. You were not the person to get off on infidelity; in fact, before you met Jake, you despised it. You were not sleeping with him for any twisted desires or hidden kinks, but because you loved him too desperately to walk away. You would take him any way you could have him, even if it was despicable.

“The same as your girlfriend would think about you.” You reminded him, assuring he knew you were not the only one at fault. Your tone was breathy, your heart thudding against your ribs as his hands scoured your thighs. His fingertips settling just below the hem of the skirt, begging to go further but waiting for your permission.

“As if I’d ask her to be my girlfriend.” He scoffed, revolted just at the thought of it. His hands trailed higher, in search of the seam of your underwear. He seemed to freeze in place, his fingers inspecting your hips underneath the cool fabric of your dress. Slowly, his head raised from your chest, looking up at your face with a wondrous twinkle in his eye. He could not find what he was looking for, because they did not exist. His hands felt only the softness of your skin, without barrier as he smirked up at your rosy cheeks. “For me, sweetheart?”

“It’s always for you, Jake.” You averted your eyes, an unfamiliar feeling burning in the pit of your stomach. You weren’t sure why you were so sheepish of the fact; both of you knew it all too well.

“You’re too good to me, angel.” He commended your efforts to please him only because they worked so well. He bunched the skirt of your dress in his hands, pushing it up past your hips to reveal your lack of underwear. The sight of you exposed in front of him was nearly too much for him to bear, but he persevered through the abundance of lust he felt for you in hopes of drawing the reunion out a little longer.

His fingers slipped between your legs, pushing them apart so he could continue his tyranny without interruption. You watched him closely, inspecting every move as if you needed it to survive. In some sick way, you did. You felt as though if you were deprived of his touch for too long, you would succumb to death and waste away to nothingness. His touch hovered above your heat, but he was unwilling to give you what you wanted so easily.

How foolish of you to believe that Jake would be kind, even after such a long absence.

“Please touch me, Jake. Waited so fucking long.” You whined, looking down at his hand between your thighs, taunting you with the power you knew he possessed.

“Oh no, sweetheart.” He shook his head, chucking at your neediness. “You don’t get to call the shots.” He said, his eyes flickering up to meet your own. “You left, remember? You blocked my number and went off and found someone else to take my place. You don’t get to complain about it after you finally decided to come back.”

Arrogance is potent

Oh, so he was mad. Good thing for him, you could play that game, too.

“Quit it with the fucking pity party, Jacob. We both know you’re not innocent, either.” From sweet to sour in a second, your entire demeanor changed in response to his ridiculous claims.

“You should see yourself.” He smirked, moving his hand a little closer to your aching cunt, but not close enough to touch you, yet. “Just as desperate as you were the last time I saw you, still so eager to be fucked while your boyfriend waits for you downstairs.” He spit the word as if it were a bitter taste on his tongue, easily telling you that the old game of cat and mouse had changed. He was going to fuck you, but he was angry that you had tried to move on despite him doing the exact same thing.

“Oh, you poor thing.” You seethed, feeling the rise of anger begin to take over your body, too.

Clearly, leaving silently had deprived you of the release you so desperately needed. There were too many loose ends, too much emotion hanging heavy on the both of you. You had waited nearly a year to get it all out, a year of suffering before you could even begin to release some of the pain you locked up so securely in your heart.

“Don’t tell me your feelings are hurt, Jacob.” You raised an eyebrow, condemning him for feeling any kind of sorrow over your new relationship.

“Over you? As if.” He sneered, the momentary sweetness from earlier fleeing him completely. Touching you again was euphoric, telling of all he still felt of you, and he didn’t mind letting you know he missed you. Unfortunately, it brought up a whole other whirlwind of emotions that were far less appealing.

“Still doing whatever you can to convince yourself you don’t care about me, hmm?” You snipped, taking the opportunity to slide your dress over your head, leaving you completely exposed before him. “We both know why you’re upset, Jake, and it’s not because you don’t care.”

His hands shot to your hips, lifting you on the counter and setting you down on the cool surface. Now that you were locked in, his own body ensuring you could not run, his hand was between your legs again and finally connected with your cunt.

“What is it then, if you think you fucking know everything?” His fingers sliding through your folds, gathering the wetness on his fingertips and circling around your clit made it hard to respond. The feeling was so grand, even if the action was small. It was something you’d been waiting for since he got on the plane that flew him away from you, severing the twisted ties that held you two together.

The most harrowing revelation came when you understood that it was even better than you remembered it to be.

“You’re j-jealous, Jacob. Just fucking say it.” You spat between waves of pleasure, looking down at his face with a distasteful look in your eye. He was silent for a moment, opting to watch his hand working at your cunt instead of responding to your accusations. Eventually, after an unusually long bout of silence from him, his eyes flickered back to your face.

Without him saying a word, you knew you hit the nail straight on the head.

“You think it was nice to see that you found someone to take my place after I was gone?” He whispered, his tone dangerously low. “That he’s been taking up space in your bed where I used to sleep?” He growled, the curl of his lip resembling him as more of a wild animal than a man who had been hurting on your behalf. He raised his other hand to your neck, the back of his fingers gently caressing the side of it as he let his words sink in. “Do you think I liked the way he was touching you, like he was protecting his territory? Like you haven’t always been mine?” The possessive claim caused you to clench around nothing, desperate for anything more than he was giving you.

His fingers closed around your neck, the grip loose but foreshadowing of all that was to come. His face was close to yours, so close that the tip of his nose brushed against your burning cheeks and his lips were ghosting over your own.

“Answer me.” He whispered, letting his middle finger slide down to your entrance, feeling his way through the arousal he was responsible for.

“No, sir.” You shook your head, almost finding yourself sympathetic for the pain he was masking with his cruel words.

“So why did you bring him here, sweetheart? To rub it in my face? To piss me off?” He asked, slipping his finger inside you and letting his thumb drift over your clit. He began a steady pace, clearly getting himself worked up as he made a point to berate you for your decisions. “Did you want me to get jealous so I would start a fight with him and show everyone how much I fucking care about you?”

“N-no, sir.” You whimpered, feeling the flutter of an orgasm begin to blossom in the pit of your stomach. The curl of his fingers was addicting, and with every pump of his hand he was hitting the sweet spot inside you only he knew how to find.

“Don’t lie to me, baby.” He said, his fingers tightening around your neck a little further. He wasn’t ready to take it all the way, because he wanted to hear the truth before anything else. “You’re a little attention whore, and you wanted me to tell everyone out there that you’re mine. That’s all you ever fucking wanted, right? To be mine, and for everyone to know it?” The conversation was taking a dark turn, but you were too needy to complain about it. You thought if you kept talking, telling him what he wanted to hear, he would give you what you needed.

You were too stupid to realize you were only digging yourself a deeper hole, and the one you were already in was much too steep to climb out of.

“Yes, Jake. I did. That’s all I wanted.” You nodded, hoping he could feel your sincerity. You were not lying, because it was all you ever wanted. To be his and his alone was what you craved, with no one standing between you and no more secrets.

“So instead of telling me that, what did you do?” He snarled, moving his fingers a little faster. The change in pace caused your whole body to quiver. Your skin felt like it was on fire, and your mind was consumed with him entirely. He wanted you to confess, to tell him you understood the mistakes you made and atone for your sins. He needed it more than he ever needed anything else in his entire life.

“I-I left,” you choked out, feeling his fingers tighten on your pulse-point. Your heartbeat was pounding in your ears, so powerful it was pulsing behind your eyes. “I was scared. I was too scared to say it, Jake.” You wheezed out, feeling your head begin to swirl from the pleasure and the lack of blood flow.

“Yeah, you fucking left. You were too scared to say it, so you left me to feel like an idiot for saying it first.” You were no longer speaking of the significant others you had left downstairs, nor your absence in the months prior. He was talking about that same dreaded instance that replayed in your mind every single day.

He was talking about it.

Aloud, he spoke the words, for the first time since the war began.

“M’so sorry, Jake.” You pleaded, feeling so strung out that the apology seemed misplaced. Recounting your mistakes did not seem fitting with his fingers inside of you and an orgasm threatening you. “I felt it too. I should have said it.”

“But you didn’t. You never fucking did, because you only ever cared about yourself.” Your eyes shot open, suddenly being pulled from the euphoria taking over your entire body. Your nostrils flared, your pupils blazing with a fire that only he knew how to ignite. He knew he struck a nerve, but it was exactly what he was intending to do.

“You fucked someone else in our bed.” You seethed, your words weak from his palm pressing against your trachea. Even in your rage, your hips moved down on his hand in search for more.

Just like always, sex was the most important thing to both of you.

“Instead of talking to me, you fucked someone else and tried to play the victim!” Your words were stronger now, fighting against his power with ease.

You were the only person in the world who ever had enough courage to challenge him.

“I guess we finally got what was coming to us, then.” He muttered, scowling at the thought of the pain you two caused each other, scowling at pain you’d caused so many others. “You still haven’t learned your lesson, because you’re back here begging for more, doing the same thing to him.”

“You don’t get to chastise me when you’re doing the same thing.” You spat, enraged at his self-righteous response.

“I never said I was any fucking better, sweetheart.” He reminded you, a small, sick smile toying at the corners of his lips. As angry as you were, and as much as your chest ached, you still knew you couldn’t walk away from him. You were destined to want Jake in the most despicable and destructive ways until the very end. The only comfort was that you knew he was destined for the same fate.

Without removing his hand from your throat, he moved forward and captured you in a kiss, sealing the evil you spewed within you forever. You pulled his bottom lip between your teeth, your need for him animalistic and unnatural even after his cruel treatment. The only reason it did not bother you was because you knew you deserved it.

As he kissed you, his hand continued working at your cunt, pushing you to the brink of an orgasm with great ease. You let out a moan into his mouth, giving him a taste of the pleasure he was granting you. He drew in a sharp breath, the sound settling deep somewhere in his soul and making home there for eternity.

He parted from you, but not because he wanted to. He would kiss you until his lips turned blue and his lungs collapsed, happy to die at your hands. He broke away because of need, and one that much much stronger than his urge to kiss you. His grip loosened around your neck and his hand dropped to your hip. He withdrew his fingers from you, causing you to let out a hiss of displeasure at the sudden loss of the orgasm he was so close to giving you.

Before you could get a complaint out, he dropped to his knees before you, gripping your hips and pulling you closer to the edge of the counter. He guided one leg over his shoulder, pressing his lips to the inside of your thigh as an apology for his sudden change in pace. At the knowledge of his next move, you were all but upset with his decision.

“Oh, fuck.” You groaned, your head falling backwards as his tongue connected with your clit. Your hand reached for his head, your fingers tangling in his hair as his tongue ran through your folds.

The sweetness of your arousal was something he’d missed so dearly, something he could never find from another. It was more addicting than any substance and it was the very reason he could get himself out of bed in the morning. Being with you in such an intimate manner was the only reason his heart continued to beat, and the only thing he continued living for. His tongue circled your clit, continuing his torment in a whole new way.

With just a single swirl of his tongue, you felt like screaming his name, just to tell the whole world how good he could make you feel. It was almost comical, how you searched far and wide for someone who could make you feel a shred of what he could, and nobody could even come close to him. Your whole body had been begging for him since you stepped foot into the familiar home, and now that you had him, it still wasn’t enough. You needed everything all at once, things he could not give to you and things you could never ask for. You needed Jake far beyond any other person, and far beyond what was possible from him.

You needed him to be more than a dirty secret, a betrayal of trust in a bathroom at a house party. You needed him to be yours, but you knew he would never be.

Your desperation was immeasurable, and your entire body was aching for the orgasm he previously denied you of. It was a terrible feeling to have, knowing that your life was completely in his hands. Whatever he decided to do with it, you would go along happily so long as it pleased him. It was a terrible thing to know you would never truly belong to yourself, even if Jake was long gone from the world.

He was living for your shallow breathing, surviving off of your choked moans. Pleasing you was his favorite thing to do, even if he hated you in the moment. There was something so gratifying about his name on your tongue, and something so beautiful about how easy it was to make you feel good. He tried his best to ignore the incessant thoughts in his head about another man touching you the same way, about someone else believing that you were theirs.

Both of you knew you were Jake’s, and he was undeniably yours. The facade you put on and the games you played with others were just that; the only thing either one of you knew to be real was the way you felt for each other. It was painful, harmful and frustrating for the two of you to constantly avoid the way your hearts felt for each other, but it was all you knew. It made more sense for the two of you to deny and lie about your feelings than it ever did to fess up.

He pulled away from you, catching his breath as he looked up at your face from between your legs. “Come on, angel. Let me hear how good I’m making you feel.” He hummed, moving his thumb over your clit so he did not lose the momentum.

“You want to hear it, baby?” You breathed, looking down at him through your lashes. “Did you miss it?”

“Dreamt of it every goddamn night.” He said as a matter of fact. You let out a whine at the sound of his words, pushed even closer to the edge at the knowledge he thought of you just as much as you thought of him.

You were in no position to deny him anything, because he was giving you the entire world. As he leaned forward, his mouth connecting with your core once again, you let a long slur of curses fall from your lips. The moan that followed could only be classified as pornographic, carrying through the door and echoing into the hallway for everyone to hear.

He was doing exactly as you wanted; he was making it so the entire house could hear how much you meant to him, even if it was not in the way you so badly wanted from him. Still, it was enough to keep you on his hook, and that was the very thing he wanted to ensure.

“God, feels so fucking good, Jake.” You gasped, feeling your abdomen tense with a particularly strong wave of pleasure. He hummed against you, speaking encouragement for the show you were putting on for him.

You knew if he continued on like such, it would not be long until you descended into an orgasm. He was waiting, just as desperate as you were to feel you let the pleasure take hold. He brought his fingers to your entrance, slipping his middle and index finger inside of you to add to the sensation. You inhaled a sharp breath, feeling the curl of his fingers hit the same spot he found so easily just moments before.

“Fuck,” you hissed, feeling yourself clench around his fingers as the knot in your belly threatened to snap. At the familiar sound, he took it upon himself to suction his lips around the sensitive bundle of nerves, adding more pressure to the already otherworldly feeling. Your grip tightened in his hair and your entire body was rigid as it prepared to be pushed over the edge. “Oh god,” you cried, your throat raw from the primal sound that tore through you.

Had his mouth not been so intently focused on you, you knew how sweetly he would have talked you through it. No matter how vicious or volatile he spoke to you, he never missed out on the opportunity to coddle you as you came. It was his favorite thing in the entire world, an excuse to show you the softness his heart had for you when he usually felt like he needed to keep it hidden. He continued pumping his fingers and moving his tongue, guiding you through the high with expert precision. As he noticed you relax against him, he tapered off his movements before pulling away completely.

He rose to his feet, already tossing his belt on the floor before he was even upright. Your mind was still swirling with the lingering euphoria, your skin electrified and your heart pounding in your chest. You watched him, wordless as he unbuttoned his pants after he threw his shirt to the ground alongside his belt. He freed himself from his boxers, the sight of him nearly too much for you to handle. You missed him so dearly and needed him so badly.

He stepped forward, landing between your legs as he gazed down at you. His lust-blown pupils turned his eyes near black, and he was aching for relief just like you had been minutes before. “I want to hear you say it, sweetheart.”

“Say what?” You asked, your eyebrows knitted together in confusion. He gave you a soft smile, void of any malice for a moment. He wanted to admire you beneath him, so desperate to have him. He wanted to enjoy the beauty of your heart being his despite being promised to someone else.

“You were just as jealous as I was, angel.” He said, his hands gripping your hips as he pulled you closer to the edge of the counter. You put all your trust in him, knowing that if he faltered, you might fall to the floor.

“So what?” You huffed, your cheeks turning red at his accusations. He smiled down at you, moving his hips forward ever so slightly. The tip of his cock rested against your entrance, already wet with your arousal.

“Do you really think I’d give her half of what I give you? That she means nearly as much to me as you do?” He questioned, his grip loosening slightly now that he had you in the position he wanted.

“No, baby.” You shook your head, wondering if tonight would be the night that things would change. “I know that.”

“You know she has nothing on you, beautiful.” His hand trailed up your side, the light touch tickling your skin as his fingers drifted over your stomach. “Nobody does.”

With that, his sweet sentiments had come to an end. He slammed his hips forward, the size of him coming as a surprise and filling you completely. A gasp left your lips as your tried to recover from the shock and adjust to him again, realizing that in the time spent away from him, nobody felt as fulfilling as he did.

To him, no one could compare, either.

“That’s it, gorgeous.” He muttered, clearly strung out from the pleasure too. In just a moment, he was back where he was all of those months ago, in love with you and desperate to hear you say it back. “God, you feel so fucking good.”

His praise was exhilarating, and his love was blissful. As he began a slow pace with his hips, the grief was almost overwhelming the pleasure. You wondered why it couldn’t feel this good with him all of the time, and you dreaded him walking away after the night came to an end.

He leaned down, pressing his lips to yours for a moment, likely mourning the same fate that the two of you so often fell into. Loving you was all he wanted to do, but he was so afraid of falling again that he convinced himself he wasn’t already long past in love.

His tongue danced over yours, the taste of his sin too much to bear as your chest began to ache. You wanted to remain strong, to carry on with the one thing that the two of you were good at, but it felt so different than it did all the times that came before. The emotion you had neglected to acknowledge was finally pushing to the surface, angry about being ignored.

It wasn’t the right time, but you feared the right time may never come. You had to stop being afraid, to find the courage he once had and utilize it.

You could feel it too, even in his cruel words and his harsh insults. The love was there, lingering in every touch and screamed in every kiss. You could not allow yourself to remain in the same incessant cycle of pain, but you could not will yourself away from him. There was only one way to change your ways, but it was the hardest thing you had ever done. Loving someone so completely, no matter the circumstance, was terrifying. Saying it aloud only made it all the more real.

He pulled away, breaking the kiss and in turn, breaking you from your internal brooding. He looked down over your face, his hips still rocking against yours. The pleasure in the pit of your stomach had nothing on the yearning of your heart, and he could see it in your eyes. He had to look away, to hide his heart from you so you could not break it again. He feared the longer he stared, the closer he was to confessing the same thing all over again.

In a moment of desperation, he withdrew from you entirely, letting his hands settle back on your hips. Before you could complain, he pulled you from the countertop entirely, landing you on your feet in front of him. He had to change the pace, to harness that same carnal desire and rank it more important than how he felt for you emotionally.

Without a word, he spun you around, forcing your top half down towards the counter. The cold surface was a shock to your system, especially after growing comfortable with the warmth of his body against you. He pulled your hips back towards him, positioning himself at your entrance again.

“I think I’m being far too nice to you, sweetheart.” He muttered, reaching up and grabbing a fistful of his hair. “If I remember correctly, you only like to be fucked like a whore.”

This time, when the insult slipped past his lips, it did not feel good nor did it prompt any wave of arousal. It hurt, and it hurt achingly bad.

Still, knowing you were not strong enough to utter the proclamation of love, you went along with it despite the ache in your chest.

“Yes, sir.” You hummed. Despite the sadness of the change of position, you were still excited at the idea of fucking him. If you could not love him, you knew it was the next best thing.

Slowly, he pushed inside of you, knotting your hair around his fist as he pulled your head off the counter. He leaned down, his lips hovering just over your ear as he continued at the agonizingly slow pace.

“Just like this, sweetheart?” He asked, making sure that when his hips connected with yours he added a little extra force. “Does that feel good?”

“Feels so good, baby.” You whined, the intimacy of the moment sending a shiver down your spine. His breath was hot on your neck, his voice barely above a whisper but loud and clear to you. As you answered, he let his teeth sink into your earlobe, the light pressure prompting a flutter in your stomach. Your walls clenched around him, pulling him in further and locking him there indefinitely.

Despite the pace being slow, the power behind his hips was what mattered, and with every re-entry, he added just a little more force than the last. As his cock brushed against cervix, your knees went weak and your stomach twisted into a knot. You had no idea how he could make you feel so good, but you knew you never wanted him to stop.

“He can’t fuck you like this, sweetheart.” He whispered, his lips still hovering above your ear. “He can’t make you feel this good.” He continued, his hand on your hip tightening with every word. He was mindful, careful not to leave any bruises despite his desire to. “Can he, angel?”

“F-fuck no, Jake.” You shook your head, feeling him press a kiss to the sweet spot just below your ear.

“Right, baby.” He hummed his approval, his words muffled due to his lips on your skin. “Nobody can make you feel as good as I do because you’re mine. Do you fucking understand me?”

“God, yes.” You nodded against his hold, desperate to agree with him on that fact. No matter what, you were undeniably his.

“Did you think of me when he was fucking you, angel?” He asked, his tone growing stronger by the second. He was pissing himself off the longer he thought about it, but he was willing to make that sacrifice in order to chastise you for your decisions. “Did you wonder when I would come home, when I’d come back to take care of you?

“I did, baby.” You whimpered, feeling the effects of his presence finally begin to take hold. You were strung out on pleasure, at your end already despite him being far from done with you. You were tired, but your body would not accept the fact. You thought if he stopped, you might die from the withdrawal from him. “I thought about it every fucking day.” You confessed. “I needed you, because nobody else knows how to do it right.”

“Exactly, sweetheart.” He hummed an agreement, happy to hear it from you. “You knew I’d never leave you behind. You knew I couldn’t fucking stay away.” Even if he wanted to, he never could. The confession was heavy, despite the fact already being known to you both. “God, what do you do to me?” He growled, the slam of his hips rocking your thighs forward into the countertop. Another groan tore through your chest, vibrating your entire body as he continued to fuck into you.

“Jake,” you warned, feeling your legs begin to wobble and your mind start to haze.

“I know, baby.” He crooned, placing another sloppy kiss to the exposed portion of your neck. “Being such a good girl for me. Just hold on a little longer.” At that, you let out another whine, loud and impatient, clearly unhappy about his plea to wait. In response, he roughly pulled your head to the side by your hair, craning it upwards a little further so he could press his lips to yours.

The kiss was enough to satiate your undying need for him, but the taste of his lips made the sensation in your stomach grow tenfold. The only difference was, now you could not warn him about the climax creeping up on you.

Luckily for you, he did not need to be warned about anything. He knew you better than anyone or anything, and he could feel how close you were just from your body alone.

“Oh, angel, you make it so fucking hard to say no to you.” He let out a long sigh, breaking the kiss as he let his hips rest against the curve of your ass. He had to slow down or he feared he might let go, too.

“Is that a good thing or a bad thing?” You gave him a weak smile, your eyes heavy as you looked back over your shoulder at him.

“With you? Always good, even if it should be bad.” He chuckled, placing a kiss to your shoulder blade before he straightened up again.

His hand remained in your hair as he took a deep breath, calming himself down before beginning again. The feeling of him moving inside you again after the short break was intense, amplified by a million. Although he believed stopping might allow the two of you more time, as soon as his hips reached the same speed as before, you were both just as close to the end. He couldn’t deny you the orgasm again, and he could not hold himself back. After so long without you, he needed it more than he needed food to survive.

“Can you cum for me, baby?” He asked, pushing your head down into the counter. Your cheek was squished against the surface, and his hips were moving with such strength that it made your head spin. There was no question that you could reach the climax, because you had been doing nothing but trying to hold back.

Instead of responding, your eyes closed and the burning in your stomach reached a whole new level. You had never gone so long without him, and now you had no tolerance for the pleasure that came with his company. A choked moan filled the air, letting him know that you were doing exactly what he asked of you.

His hand on your hip tightened as he pushed you further down on the counter. “That’s my girl.” He muttered, looking down at your face as you descended into pleasure. Your legs trembled and your lungs burned, but you were on top of the world. You felt better than you ever had, and likely better than you ever would. It had nothing to do with the sex, nor the stimulation of him inside you, but rather just the thought of being his.

You managed to sing his name through the mess of moans and curses, the sound heavenly to his ears. He waited so long to hear you say it like that again, and it sent him over the edge just the same as you. As you reached the high together, the world felt right again, like coming home after an inexplicably long and tiresome day. He spilled his release inside of you, feeling you relax against him as he slowed his thrusts. He leaned down, pulling your head to the side with much more caution than last time, and kissed you with all the love he could muster in his whole body.

You stayed like that for an abnormal amount of time, neither of you keen on the idea of parting from one another. Eventually, he broke the kiss, looking down over your face with adoration in his eyes. He did his best to snap himself out of it, knowing he shouldn’t be feeling such things about you, but unable to stop. He straightened up again, making sure to admire the entire scene of you below him, too fucked out to form a single thought. Then, his eyes traveled to the mirror, catching a glimpse of your position from a whole new perspective. He swallowed hard, his jaw tensed as he let out a shaky breath.

“How am I supposed to let him take you home tonight after seeing you like this, sweetness?” He asked, looking at your reflection in the mirror. When he realized your head was pushed too close to the countertop for you to see too, he used his grip on your hair to pull you upwards.

Staring back at you was a mess of the woman you walked into the bathroom as. Your cheeks were streaked with mascara, your skin red and blotchy and your hair a mess. Beside your reflection, you could see him watching you, studying you. His eyes were fixated on your face, taking in every detail you were noticing. To him, you were not a mess; you were the most beautiful thing to ever grace the earth. The mess just made it all the better, especially knowing he was the one who caused it.

‘I don’t want to go home with him, Jake. I want to stay here with you.’ You thought it, but did not dare say it aloud. The flash of sadness in your eye was apparent to him, for he had the same one in his.

What I see is unreal

I've written my own part

Eat of the apple, so young

I'm crawling back to start

If you did not speak now, you never would. Could you remain the same forever, or did you need to change to survive? You did not know what to do, or how to feel. If you said it, would it even mean anything, or would it be a waste of breath? He did not want to hear the words a year later; he needed it way back when the two of you were curled up together on the couch, when he used every last ounce of courage to say it first. He didn’t need to hear it now. He didn’t need you fucking up his life again. He didn’t need you.

But if he did not need you, why did he abandon his date in search of you, in search of what you used to be?

There was no more anger between you. Your eyes locked together in the mirror, housing a silent battle of uncertainty as you watched each other's every move. If you spoke the truth, the world would change indefinitely, but you did not know if it would be for better or for worse.

Oh, what did it fucking matter anymore?

You had to say it, to know that you exhausted every option to keep the man your heart sang hymns about. You could deal with the consequences later, because right now, you both needed to hear it.

“What’s wrong, beautiful?” He asked, knowing there was some kind of war being waged in your head. He was afraid, not of what you wanted to tell him, but because he thought you wanted to end the constant debacle between you.

You could deal with the aftermath later, but you were done being sad. He waited so long, just the same as you, and you had to say it.

I repent tomorrow

Hey ah na na tomorrow

I suspend my sorrow

“I don’t want to go home with him, Jake.” Your voice was strong despite your worry the words would not make it past your lips.

“Then don’t.” He could not help the spark of hope that ignited in his chest. He rested inside of you, terrified to move as he awaited what you would say next.

“You mean it?” Say it, or forever hold your peace, coward.

“You know there’s always a place for you in my bed.” He was unsure if he was taking your confession in the way you meant it, but by god he hoped that was what you meant. Your eyes caught his again, holding him captive with your stare. There was not enough courage in the world for you to say it, but you could not hide it any longer.

“I love you too, Jake.” You said, your tone strong and your intent true. Nearly a year later, you finally said it.

The world was still. The commotion outside of the doorway stopped, and your relentless thoughts wasted away to nothing. For a moment, you even believed your heart ceased to beat.

“I love you, Jake. I should have said it a long time ago, but I’m saying it now, and it has to count for something.”

“I’m sorry, Y/N.” he said, statue-like as he stood behind you. For a moment, you thought you might die from the pure grief that encased your heart. You waited too long. It was too late. “I’m sorry I hurt you, and I should have said that a long time ago.”

Neither of you moved, and neither of you knew what to do next.

You got what you thought he could never give, and he heard what he feared you might never say.

Was it over? Was that it? Did you end the curse that had plagued you since the very beginning? Had you repented enough for the rottenness of your actions?

Could you really have him with no secrets and no more lies? Could you love him without restraint, without any pain?

“Let me love you, Y/N. Let me do it right this time.”

“Okay.” You nodded, your eyes never leaving his face. “Please, Jake. The world hasn’t felt right since that night, until now. I want to try again, and I don’t want to be a terrible person anymore.”

Carefully, he withdrew from you, trying to limit the mess as he helped you up off the counter. He turned you to face him, bringing his hand to your cheek to swipe away a tear that escaped your eye.

“I have been waiting a lifetime to hear you say that, sweetheart. I would be a fucking idiot if I gave it up twice.” You lifted your head, a small smile tugging at your lips.

“I’m sorry it took so long. I’m sorry I was so stupid.” You said, reaching out and wrapping your arms around him.

The hug was simple, but to the two of you, it was everything.

“I was stupid, Y/N.” he said, burying his head in your hair. He took a deep breath, finally feeling the tension in his body fade away into nothing. The smell of your shampoo, and more specifically, the way his pillows used to smell when he was sleeping next to you, was his favorite thing in the whole world, and he’d been deprived of it for far too long. “I don’t want to be stupid anymore. I just want you.”

“I was always yours, Jake.” You whispered, closing your eyes as you rested your cheek on his bare chest. “From the minute I met you, until my very last day on earth.” He did not need to reply for you to know he was yours, too.

Finally, after writing your own wretched tale, you had grown enough to rewrite it and atone for all of the mistakes you made before.

Finally, you could love him without having to worry about anything else, without pain, and without suffering.

Finally, he was yours, and only yours, like it always should have been from the very beginning.

[willowsallen]

counseling 101: the background.

hi everybody! my name is riley, and i'm a substance use counselor. i've worked in both inpatient and outpatient, i've been in this field since i was 19 and have been professionally working for 2 years. i'm currently in grad school for clinical social work, pursuing my lsw and my clinical licensure (lcsw). i wanted to write a guide on what it "means" to be a counselor! i will be discussing the specifics of a substance use counselor in another post. (it will be linked below.)

disclaimer:

do not take this as professional advice for all counselors, therapists, psychologists, or social workers. this is my background, my information, my experiences, and my specific expertise. this will include the basics of schooling, training, certifications, frequently asked questions, and things you might not realize, as it all pertains to me! what works for my patients and i may not work for you, so be mindful this is not a "my way is correct and your therapist is wrong," as i believe in the pct model of meeting everybody where they're at.

even counselors at my exact experience level and education level may do things differently than me, and that's perfectly fine! i just wanted to write this to give some insight if you're interested in writing a character who is a therapist, or who goes to therapy. or if you're just interested in general! i could give reminders upon reminders but i just need to say that this is all my thoughts and path in life! this is not the end all, be all. and with that, let's get started. (if you have further questions or need something clarified, please feel free to reach out but just for clarification: i'm not your therapist, i'm not being paid for this, please don't trauma dump, and always remember i'm a human just like you!)

education:

your education is based a lot on your "experience" (which i'll talk about next) and i know that doesn't make sense but just stick with me! the very basics of what you need is a bachelor's in a "social work" setting. which includes, but is not limited to (because i forget): psychology, social work, sociology, criminology. these are the foundations for your specific field of work! i'll just be talking about counseling in general, or about substance use, as i am unaware of the other jobs / fields you can get with different degrees.

if you're trying to get a "good" job (livable wage) i would suggest getting a master's degree in your field of work. though, i will say, you can get lucky and survive off of your bachelor's (like i currently am!) but i would strongly, strongly encourage further education which will lead into certifications and licensure, and that will cement your place in the field and open up the job field entirely. with a bachelor's, they often want anywhere from 1-5 years of experience. with a master's, many places will take you with 0 years of experience, up to 5 years, depending on your field and what the company wants.

i currently have my bachelor's in psychology. psychology is such a broad degree that unless you're specifically going to be a clinical psychologist or gain your doctorate, i would choose another field. i didn't know i wanted substance use specifically until i was 19, which i'll speak about in experience, but if i did not choose the substance use field, i would most definitely would have had to immediately get a master's and be licensed in order to receive well paying jobs with just a psychology degree.

experience:

you don't need a master's to get a job in this field, but you do need experience (there will be places that take bachelor's with little to no experience, but will pay you next to nothing). the best thing to do is find an internship! i think the easiest way will be through your school, and when you're picking one of the aforementioned degrees, it should be an option when picking out classes - many times, universities have people that specifically work with internships.

when i was getting my bachelor's degree, it was my first semester and i was 19 when i was offered to interview for an internship through my school. i got accepted on the spot and was apart of it even after i got my "credit" for the semester and continued for two years! i worked in houseless shelters in my county and was running daily men and women's groups, 2:1 sessions (2 counselors to 1 resident), debrief sessions with the other interns, and supplying a resource booth for the residents.

without this internship, i truly and wholeheartedly believe i would not have gotten any job in this field. it's a dog-eat-dog out there in the realm of psychology (which includes all those fields above) and i truly got lucky to get my start this way. if you don't have the time, motivation, or money to gain a master's, i would highly suggest getting involved in internships as soon as possible in order to get those years of experience!

certifications:

this has a wide range of things! i can only speak to what i've received, and what i know about. this also includes specific training to the sud field, but i won't go in depth about it until the next post i do! the certification i will always need is my cpr. i know that sounds silly, but working with people, in general, i feel like everybody that is able to should receive their cpr certificate!

now, with a bachelor's, they're not really expecting you to have anything else. but! you can. i currently have my milieu certification. which sounds fancy but it just means i'm certified in "psychotherapy in which the patient's social environment is controlled or manipulated with a view to preventing self-destructive behavior." i could've explained it myself, but google does wonders and makes me sound smart! i got this through my internship. it was required and within the first two weeks, i went through trainings and seminars to receive the certificate.

another thing i can receive with only a bachelor's (that's specific to sud) is my cadc certification. it stands for certified alcohol drug counselor. in order to do this, you'll need supervision hours from a clinical / licensed or otherwise appropriate supervisor or director. once i receive upwards of 300 hours of documented supervision, i can take my cadc exam and become certified. this can also enhance what jobs are available to me because many jobs ask for this certification in place of a clinical license (some don't, but you know... some do!)

currently, i'm working on my master's and may potentially work towards my cadc along the way, but once i receive my master's i can get my caadc, which is certified advanced alcohol drug counselor. it's just more hours and an exam! not sure which path i'll take yet because grad school is killing me, but those are what's offered in my field and what i'm interested in! of course there's other certifications involved, but that's for you to decide.

licenses:

now comes the fun part. again, what license you want or go for is specific to your field. there's a ton of counseling licenses, but the main ones that are down my path are lpc (licensed professional counselor), lsw (licensed social worker), and lcsw (licensed clinical social worker). so let me explain a little bit about each of them, and what i'm personally doing!

lpc: licensed professional counselors "are trained to offer assessment, therapeutic interventions, consultation, program evaluation and follow-up services in a variety of settings including schools, hospitals, community agencies, private practices, religious centers, group homes and more. lpc's can also independently practice counseling, meaning they can establish or join a private practice and directly bill insurance companies or receive cash for counseling services." can: work independently, diagnose mental health conditions, and supervise for clinical hours. this license is primarily for direct mental health care.

lsw: licensed social workers can "render services that rely on a special knowledge of therapeutic techniques, human personalities, and social resources. this includes: helping people become socially adjusted as individuals and members of a family or community, you cannot work independently; you must work in the affiliation of an agency or social work service provider." cannot: work independently or diagnose mental health conditions.

lcsw: licensed clinical social workers "support people through various challenges by providing general counseling services, crisis intervention, mental health therapies, substance use support, and other key services. lcsw's may also supervise the work of lsw's. they may work in schools, hospitals, elderly care facilities, private practices, and even the courtroom—social workers are often called upon as witnesses in court cases. the main thing to remember is that this license gives them freedom and responsibility to make independent decisions about diagnosis and treatment plans." can: work independently, diagnose mental health conditions and supervise for clinical hours.

difference between lpc and lcsw: though both are similar in their ability to work independently, diagnose mental health conditions, and supervise for clinical hours, there is one main distinction between the two. lpc's are more patient focused and lcsw's utilize a patient's entire life. to put it, well... better, i've turned to google! lpc's "focus on helping clients with specific issues, such as mental health diagnoses, substance use, or behavioral issues. they also can specialize in different types of counseling, including substance use or marriage and family counseling." whereas lcsw's "assist their clients with finding and accessing resources that promote a client’s quality of life and may be involved in the legislative process dictating these services. social worker training usually includes counseling techniques and training, best practices, and finding resources for clients."

general overview:

so, with a bachelor's and no cadc or license, what can i do? well! i counsel<3 i speak to my patients about their substance use, i speak to them about their family, i conduct family sessions, i delve into their trauma, i utilize cbt, pct, mi, and grounding techniques. i run daily groups with my caseload, i run bi weekly groups for the entire community, and i initially assess them for proper level of care. i submit asam's, prepare treatment plans and update them weekly, and work with them on their goals while in and outside of treatment. all of this will be spoken about further in my sud counseling guide.

a day-in-the-life timeline looks like: clock in, check any updates / notes on my patients, go to treatment team with the clinical staff / case management / nursing and doctors (which pertains to the level of care my rehab is - you will not always have this, dependent on inpatient or outpatient and other factors), i run my daily group for an hour with my patients, i do group notes for them, i have my lunch, if i have that afternoon group for the whole community i run it, then i fit in any individual sessions or initial assessments that i need, i complete all progress notes for the day, and i clock out. in between, i handle patient crisis', ama's, behavioral issues, and general questions.

modalities:

what are modalities? "modalities are approaches or methods that a therapist will use to help you reach your goals. modalities fall into broad categories, such as cognitive and behavioral, somatic (body awareness), experiential (play or art therapy), and more." these vary by counselor-to-counselor. this is what works for the counselor and the patient and instead of including the quadrillions of therapy modalities, i'll just talk about the ones i use the most! (also side note that i believe most therapists, within reason, should be utilizing pct and mi but... that's a soapbox for another day). i'll be talking more about why i use - these in relation to sud - in my other post.

cognitive behavioral therapy (cbt):

i want to start this off by saying that cbt is very useful in the beginning stages of therapy! oftentimes, people utilize dbt or somatic therapy after they've "accomplished" cbt. i employ cbt due to, more often than not, patients not having a solid foundation for recovery or changing their ways. so what is cbt?

"cbt is a psycho-social intervention that aims to reduce symptoms of various mental health conditions, primarily depression and anxiety disorders. cognitive behavioral therapy is one of the most effective means of treatment for substance abuse and co-occurring mental health disorders." in a shorter sense: i use cbt in order to "change" the way somebody thinks.

things that are apart of cbt therapy (and can be incorporated in other forms of therapy) include cognitive distortions, grounding techniques, actively engaging in combatting their automatic negative thoughts (ant's), and encompassing pct and mi in order for the patient to understand why they need to change their thoughts / actions, how they can change them, and the results of changing them. this will go more in depth in my sud post!

patient centered therapy (pct):

pct isn't necessarily for everybody, as many patients may have difficulty even coming up with what their issues are or potential solutions. but by utilizing pct, counselors may be able to support a patient to an "answer" or realization without giving them the answer - i find it beneficial to voice my issues and concerns so i'm able to form my own solution even without my friends saying anything! it's very limited involvement from the counselor as far as "telling them" what's wrong and giving them "choices" to fix it.

"during person-centered therapy, a therapist acts as a compassionate facilitator, listening without judgment and acknowledging the client’s experience without shifting the conversation in another direction. the therapist is there to encourage and support the client without interrupting or interfering with their process of self-discovery, as they uncover what hurts and what is needed to repair it."

pct is really important, in my opinion, because it allows patient the autonomy to make decisions for themselves, while also giving them support. a counselor is supposed to help, not be a brick wall, so as much as the patient is allowed to freely roam through their thoughts and feelings, i've found a nice balance between pct and cbt when the patient may not have a specific answer or understanding for themselves.

motivational interviewing (mi):

"mi is a guiding style of communication, that sits between following (good listening) and directing (giving information and advice). it's designed to empower people to change by drawing out their own meaning, importance and capacity for change. mi is based on a respectful and curious way of being with people that facilitates the natural process of change and honors client autonomy."

when i speak about "guiding" a patient to a different way of thought, or to a "solution", mi is what i'm talking about. my entire approach to counseling is not to give them the answer, because many times they may know the "right" thing to do (stay away from drugs - duh, not explode in anger, not cut people off, etc.) but allowing them this space to speak freely so i can ask them questions for clarification, let them know somebody is listening to them, and building up that therapeutic relationship is the entire point for me.

mi is where the trifecta of these modalities lays. i can utilize cbt in an effort to change their mindset or offer new ideas or "reasons" why they may think / act like that, as well as incorporating pct so that they can come to the realization themselves! it's all about balance and which modality is right for that exact moment, for that patient. it also allows me to be entirely present in the conversation. i often find myself dissociating in my day-to-day life, as many people do, but by using mi, i have to listen in order to ask questions or repeat what they said back to them. it's beneficial to all!

the end:

thank you so much for reading this! i know this was just the basics, but if you want to write a character who's a therapist or who's going to one, i hope this helps beef up that background for you! again, this is specific to me and my sud field, and there's a million other certifications and licenses for general counselors.

substance use disorder counseling post. (will update when post is done).

[workscounselingcenter]

How to Pick an Outpatient Therapist

1. Demographics – Who Are You Going to Mesh With the Most? A foundational study in therapeutic outcomes states that the most robust determinant of successful therapy is a strong “therapeutic alliance.” Therapeutic alliance essentially means how well connected you feel to your therapist, broken down into personal bond, agreement on goals, and agreement on the type of therapy used. So the very first thing you need to look for in a therapist is finding someone you will trust. Whether that is someone who has similar perspectives, personality, cultural background, or any other personal traits in a therapist that will make you feel safe and connected to them.

2. Licensure TypeResearchers love acronyms, which can make it easy to feel overwhelmed looking at the “alphabet soup” following practitioners’ names. Here is a list of the most common licensure types in outpatient therapy:

a. Therapy:

LPC-MHSP – Licensed Professional Counselor – Mental Health Service Provider: This is a person who has a master’s degree in counseling that focuses on diagnosis and individual therapy, as opposed to couples or family therapy.

LMFT – Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist: This is someone with a master’s degree in counseling that focuses on couples and family therapy.

LCSW – Licensed Clinical Social Worker: This is a person who has a master’s degree in social work that focuses on providing therapeutic services as well as case management and advocacy.

Psychologist, PsyD, or PhD: This is someone with a doctorate in psychology. Oftentimes these practitioners focus on higher acuity cases or clinical research.

b. Medication Management:

Psychiatrist: This is someone with an M.D. or a medical doctorate in psychiatry. They will often prescribe medication and sometimes offer therapeutic services as well.

Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner: This is someone with a master’s in nursing with a specialty in psychiatry. They can assess, diagnose, and treat mental health concerns with medication management.

3. Payment Oftentimes, finances are the largest barrier to finding a therapist. However, there are still affordable options:

Self-Pay/Out of Pocket: This is when you pay a flat rate for therapy without using insurance at all. Often, this is the most expensive option, but essentially every therapist has a self-pay option, so you will have access to the most options in choosing a therapist.

Sliding Scale: This is another self-pay option where insurance is not involved. Instead of paying a therapist’s full rate, they will calculate a lower rate based on your income. Therapists usually have a limited number of sliding scale spots available, but I have seen rates as low as $20 or free therapy sessions.

Insurance: This is usually the most cost-effective option. However, many outpatient therapists do not accept more than one or two insurance types—if any at all. This is the best price, but you will have a limited number of therapists to choose from. If you are having trouble finding a therapist covered under your insurance, I suggest reaching out to your insurance company to provide you with a list of local practitioners.

Interns: Another option to find an affordable rate is working with an intern therapist. An intern therapist is a master’s student who is completing the mandatory hours needed to graduate from their master’s degree. Most programs have students complete the majority of their in-classroom work before working with clients directly. Intern rates could be anywhere between pro bono to $80 a session.

4. Specialties/Modalities Regardless of licensure type, therapists will specialize in a few different types of modalities or types of therapy. It is your therapist’s job to figure out what modality is best for you, but if you would like to do some research ahead of time, here are some common modalities used in outpatient therapy:

Online or In-Person: Most therapists will offer both in-person or telehealth services. There is no consensus on whether one is better than the other overall; it is more dependent on what type of therapy is being done and the client’s preferences and abilities.

CBT – Cognitive Behavioral Therapy: This is one of the most common modalities used. It boils down to the idea that your thoughts, behavior, and emotions all affect each other. If you change how you think in a situation, it will affect how you feel and act in that situation (and vice versa). This modality is used in a lot of different settings and is often paired with other modalities. It is most commonly used with anxiety, depression, OCD, disordered eating, substance use, and people experiencing change.

DBT – Dialectical Behavioral Therapy: This modality focuses on effective emotion management and impulse control, often using skill-building techniques. It is most commonly used for personality disorders, depression, bipolar disorder, eating disorders, and substance use disorders.

Person-Centered: Also called client-centered or Rogerian therapy, this was created in the 1940s and 1950s by Carl Rogers, who stated that all individuals have the inherent capacity for self-understanding and personal growth given the right conditions. This modality is often paired with other modalities and is most used for depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, and relationship issues.

Solution-Focused: This type of therapy focuses on the here-and-now and future-oriented goals. Clients spend less time on the problems that brought them into therapy and more on their strengths and goals for the future. Usually, this modality takes less time. It is often used when clients have a limited number of sessions they can attend or if the client has very specific goals they want to meet. Often times it is used with behavioral issues, crisis interventions, career counseling, and personal development.

Sand Tray/Play Therapy: Play therapy is traditionally used with children, although not exclusively. Sand tray is a type of play therapy that has shown positive impacts on both adults and children and gives people the opportunity to process non-verbally. These modalities work well with children, family therapy, trauma, and personal development.

Specialized Modalities:EMDR/Brain spotting: Very well-supported intensive therapy for complex trauma.Gottman Method: Extensively researched method for couples therapy.ERP – Exposure and Response Prevention: Directive therapeutic modality for OCD, phobias, eating disorders, and anxiety disorders.

5. SummaryChoosing a therapist can be very overwhelming, but at the end of the day, the number one thing you need to focus on is connecting with your therapist. It is okay to “shop around” for a therapist that you trust. Choosing the correct modality for your treatment goals sits primarily on the shoulders of your therapist. If you feel like you need help finding a therapist, please reach out to us at Works Counseling, and our Client Care Coordinator can get you matched with a therapist that suits your needs.

[woodlandwizard77]

Insurance will pay for laser

With extra steps,

like prior authorization, but that can come from PCP or LCSW and doesn't need to come from Surgeon

and it might only count against deductible, not be paid for by insurance. it might not be paid at all. Because the laser company in town that is the best does not take insurance.

Oh, and the clinician currently has covid so what was supposed to be my first laser session today instead turned into go to the outdoor market and buy art

[themomsandthecity]

When You're Self-Employed, Determining Maternity Leave Is a Double-Edged Sword

It's no secret that being a working mother in the United States is difficult. And while most maternity leave policies tend to be pretty straightforward, albeit inadequate, when you're self-employed, it becomes a choose-your-own-adventure situation, and freedom can be a double-edged sword: the flexibility of designing your own leave helps tremendously, but figuring out how to get paid and actually take time off requires planning, support, and research. The length of one's parental leave typically depends on the coverage provided by an employer, in line with state requirements. Self-employed expecting parents get to determine their own leaves, but this can mean they also forgo some additional protections, like a guaranteed paycheck. According to parental leave consultant Linzay Davis, a maternity leave should ideally allow the parent to focus on their health and recovery, while also bonding with their child. "What your line of work is, what your pay looks like, and what your recovery is like makes a big difference in what leave looks like," she says. The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists advocates for at least eight weeks of fully paid parental leave. --- Experts Featured in This Article Linzay Davis is the founder of the parental leave consulting firm The Park. Jocelyn Frye is the president of the National Partnership for Women and Families. --- Davis says a helpful leave needs to comprise two components: wage replacement and health insurance. There are typically three routes to get these: through your employer, under national law, or under state policies. When you run your own business, it's difficult to fully take time off if you rely on yourself for income. Unlike other countries with similarly developed economies, the US doesn't have any form of nationally-mandated paid leave. Many private companies offer paid parental leave, although Davis says the terms vary and are totally up to the employer. The only law on the books is the Family and Medical Leave Act, a 1993 law that guarantees workers job protections and up to 12 weeks of unpaid leave per year after a birth or adoption. This legislation is a starting point, but its specific eligibility requirements mean it doesn't protect everyone. Some people rely on short-term disability or paid leave offered by their state. And 13 states, such as California and New Jersey, plus the District of Columbia, offer some sort of paid parental leave programs, but these also aren't universal. Recent legislative attempts to close these gaps and enact universal paid leave haven't successfully advanced within Congress. "There isn't a national mandate that requires an employer to provide paid family or medical leave," says Jocelyn Frye, president of the National Partnership for Women and Families, a nonprofit, nonpartisan advocacy group that focuses on these issues. "The FMLA gives you something and it's important, but it's only one step in terms of where we need to be." Running your own business means you often can't entirely take time off during leave, or end up taking shorter leave. New Jersey-based therapist Christine M. Valentín, LCSW, runs her own therapy practice and took leave for a planned pregnancy in 2016. "I'm a planner by nature, so everything I started doing once I did get pregnant revolved around setting my life up so it was easier to manage," she tells PS. This involved working closely with each client to figure out how much support they needed from her, and making plans for them to seek other care if necessary while she was out. Valentín works out of both New Jersey and New York, but her health insurance only covered her in one state, so she stopped in-person appointments and switched to telehealth one month before her due date at the end of October. She also cut down on her commute by giving up her physical office in Manhattan. Valentín saw clients up until two weeks before her delivery, and took leave from… https://www.popsugar.com/family/maternity-leave-self-employed-49371540?utm_source=dlvr.it&utm_medium=tumblr

[foodpsychpod]

#320: Healing from Emotional Eating, Chronic Dieting, Binge Eating, and Body Shame with Judith Matz and Amy Pershing

Therapists and authors Judith Matz and Amy Pershing join us to discuss our new collaboration, The Emotional Eating, Chronic Dieting, Binge Eating & Body Image Workbook; why the typical diet-culture response to emotional eating is unhelpful, and what to do instead; how to know if you’re a chronic dieter (as opposed to just a “healthy eater”); the role of trauma in binge eating; why high body weight isn’t a sign that you’ve suffered trauma; and lots more.  

Judith Matz, LCSW, ACSW, is a therapist, nationally recognized speaker, and consultant on the topics of diet culture, binge eating, emotional eating, body image, and weight stigma. She is co-author of the new Emotional Eating, Chronic Dieting, Binge Eating & Body Image Workbook, as well as The Diet Survivor’s Handbook, Beyond a Shadow of a Diet, The Making Peace with Food Card Deck, The Body Positivity Card Deck, and author of Amanda’s Big Dream. Judith offers continuing education and training for professionals through PESI as well as customized presentations for a variety of companies and organizations. Judith’s work has been featured in the media including NPR, The New York Times, Good Housekeeping and Psychotherapy Networker. She has a private practice via telehealth in Illinois where she meets with clients seeking to heal their relationship with food and their bodies. Find her at judithmatz.com and on Instagram @judmatz.

Amy is an internationally known leader in the development of treatment paradigms for BED, and one of the first clinicians to specialize in BED treatment. Based on 35 years of clinical experience, Amy has pioneered an approach to BED recovery that is strengths-based and trauma informed, incorporating Internal Family Systems (IFS) and body-based techniques to heal the deeper issues that drive binge behaviors. Her approach integrates a non-diet body autonomy philosophy, helping clients create lasting change with food and body image. She is the author of the book Binge Eating Disorder: The Journey to Recovery and Beyond (Taylor and Francis, 2018) and The Emotional Eating, Chronic Dieting, Binge Eating & Body Image Workbook, with co-authors Judith Matz and Christy Harrison (PESI Publishing, 2024). She also offers a variety of trainings on BED treatment through PESI. Amy maintains her clinical practice in Ann Arbor, Michigan. Learn more about her work at thebodywiseprogram.com.

Check out Christy’s three books, Anti-Diet, The Wellness Trap, and The Emotional Eating, Chronic Dieting, Binge Eating & Body Image Workbook for a deeper dive into the topics covered on the pod. 

If you’re ready to break free from diet culture and make peace with food, come check out Christy's Intuitive Eating Fundamentals online course.

For more critical thinking and compassionate skepticism about wellness and diet culture, check out Christy’s Rethinking Wellness podcast! You can also sign up to get it in your inbox every week at rethinkingwellness.substack.com.

Ask a question about diet and wellness culture, disordered-eating recovery, and the anti-diet approach for a chance to have it answered on Rethinking Wellness. You can also subscribe to the Food Psych Weekly newsletter to check out previous answers!

Check out this episode!

[businesspromoting]

Family Counselling Therapy Doctors In Kolkata

Family counseling therapy, often referred to as family therapy, is a type of psychotherapy that aims to help family members improve communication, resolve conflicts, and work together to address issues that affect the family unit. Family therapy can be conducted by licensed mental health professionals, including:

Marriage and Family Therapists (MFTs): These therapists specialize in working with couples and families. They are trained to address a wide range of relationship and family-related issues.

Clinical Psychologists: Some clinical psychologists have specialized training in family therapy and can provide family counseling services. They typically have a doctoral degree (Ph.D. or Psy.D.) in psychology.

Licensed Professional Counselors (LPCs): LPCs may have experience and training in family therapy and can work with families to address various emotional and relationship issues.

Social Workers: Licensed Clinical Social Workers (LCSWs) often work with families, particularly in cases involving child welfare, adoption, and family dynamics. They can provide counseling and support to families facing various challenges.

Psychiatrists: While psychiatrists primarily focus on the medical aspect of mental health, some may also provide family therapy services. They can prescribe medication if necessary in addition to offering counseling.

Family Counselors: Some professionals specifically market themselves as family counselors, and their training backgrounds can vary. It's essential to ensure they have appropriate licensure and qualifications.

When seeking a family therapist, it's crucial to consider their qualifications, experience, and specialization in family therapy. Additionally, it's essential to find a therapist with whom you and your family feel comfortable and can build a trusting relationship.

You can find family therapists through various means, including:

Referrals: Ask your primary care physician, friends, family members, or trusted individuals for recommendations.

Online Directories: Many professional organizations and websites maintain directories of licensed therapists and counselors, making it easy to search for family therapists in your area.

Insurance Providers: If you have health insurance, contact your insurance company for a list of in-network family therapists.

Online Therapy Platforms: There are several online platforms where you can find licensed therapists who provide remote family counseling services.

Before starting family therapy, it's a good idea to have an initial consultation or interview with the therapist to ensure they are a good fit for your family's needs. During this meeting, you can discuss your goals for therapy, ask questions about their approach, and gauge your comfort level with the therapist. So if you are searching for Family Counselling Therapy Doctors In Kolkata, connect with us to get appointment.

[embarkbehavioralhealth]

Embark Behavioral Health Announces New Vice President of Quality and Outcomes, Group President, and CFO

Company Strengthens Leadership Team With Seasoned Experts in Quality, Finance, and Operations CHANDLER, Ariz. — June 17, 2023 — Embark Behavioral Health, a leading network of mental health treatment programs for youths, young adults, and their families, is pleased to announce the appointment of its new vice president of quality and outcomes, Dr. Christy Beaudin, a licensed clinical social worker (LCSW) with a doctorate in philosophy in public health. Additionally, Embark welcomes its new group president of outpatient clinics, Jeremy Behling, and new chief financial officer, Darren Wight. These leadership team members bring a wealth of experience and expertise to their respective roles, further strengthening Embark's commitment to delivering high-quality and accessible care.  “I am proud to welcome Christy, Jeremy, and Darren to Embark and love it when we bring great human beings onto our team that fit our core values. They are kind and caring, with big hearts for our work and mission,” said Embark CEO Alex Stavros. “With their impressive backgrounds and leadership skills, they’ll further enhance our ability to reach the big goal we have set out on, which is to lead the way in taking teen and young adult anxiety, depression, and suicide from the all-time highs of today to all-time lows by 2028.”   With a career spanning more than 25 years, Beaudin has demonstrated exceptional leadership in health care quality across diverse settings, including health plans, acute care hospitals, primary care clinics, and behavioral health care organizations. Using her expertise in quality and performance improvement, she’ll help Embark reach its strategic goals so it can fulfill its vision to become the most respected, recognized, and valuable family behavioral health company in the world.  One key area she’ll assist with is identifying the structure and investments needed for high-quality care and sustainable client outcomes so Embark can reach its big hairy audacious goal: to lead the way in driving teen and young adult anxiety, depression, and suicide from the all-time highs of today to all-time lows by 2028.  As a certified professional in healthcare quality (CPHQ), Beaudin's dedication to translational science is evident through her extensive leadership of and involvement in multiple industry publications, including over 90 peer-reviewed articles, book chapters, case studies, and reports. Notably, she serves as an associate editor for the esteemed Journal for Healthcare Quality and has contributed to the development of the CPHQ study guide, “HQ Solutions: Resource for the Healthcare Quality Professional.”  “With my extensive experience in health care quality and patient safety, I’m eager to collaborate with the talented professionals at Embark and support their commitment to delivering the best care,” Beaudin said. “Together, we’ll continue to enhance the quality of life for young people and their families nationwide."  Behling will serve as the operational counterpart to Residential Group President Jamie Catlett. Behling brings more than 17 years of progressive expertise in creating scalable operations and driving awareness across multisite health care organizations. Prior to joining Embark, he provided strategic support for multisite health care organizations in various sectors, including oncology, dialysis, dermatology, and urgent care. Behling will help Embark in expanding the nation’s access to mental health care and opening clinics closer to people in need, ultimately improving the overall mental health outcomes of communities.  Wight comes to Embark with almost 25 years of experience in multisite health care services. Most recently, he was the CFO for a leading provider in the treatment of infant plagiocephaly (flat skull syndrome) through its cranial orthotic helmet and treatment plan at its various clinics. Wight will lead the company’s financial operations, including financial planning, analysis, and strategy.  Embark Behavioral Health is confident that the addition of Beaudin, Behling, and Wight will strengthen its leadership team and position the organization for continued excellence in delivering comprehensive behavioral health services.  For more information about Embark Behavioral Health, visit the website. Read the full article

[saintmeghanmarkle]

Doria was NEVER a licensed social worker--so much confusion by u/lifetimeodyssey

Doria was NEVER a licensed social worker--so much confusion Many people have not been understanding the distinction on this forum for years now. It does not help that the media continually calls Doria a "licensed therapist" or "clinical social worker". She was NEVER A LICENSED SOCIAL WORKER!! She got an ASW, an Associate Clinical Social Worker license in July 2015, after getting her MSW in 2011( yes, 4 years later!!). This is LIKE AN INTERN. She needed to be under supervision at all times to practice. She still needed to take a clinical exam and an ethics exam, have 2 years of supervision and take yearly continuing education to get the LCSW designation. She did not do all or some of this as she NEVER obtained the LCSW status. Here is a quick reference:Associate Clinical Social Worker (ACSW) – At this level of licensure you can:Work under the supervision of a mental health professional to gain qualifying supervised experienceWork in private practiceEngage in social work activities only at your place of employPerform mental health and related services only as an employee or volunteerCannot work independentlyCannot bill clients directlyhttps://https://ift.tt/1ichOMU here is a CA brochure explaining every last thing you could want to know about ASW vs LCSW.https://ift.tt/5OneVhj here on Radaris is what purports to be Doria's resume. There is a bogus job listed as "medical social worker" between 2012 and 2015. The company listed is a SOFTWARE COMPANY in INDIA!! Now closed. Note: There is a mistake as she wet to Antioch in LA, not New England.https://ift.tt/wfnBDms post link: https://ift.tt/fYklC5y author: lifetimeodyssey submitted: June 16, 2023 at 09:17PM via SaintMeghanMarkle on Reddit

[miragelaw01]

Safeguard your property investments with the experienced landlord attorneys at Mirage Law in Los Angeles. Get comprehensive legal support for evictions, lease agreements, and tenant disputes. Learn more at https://miragelaw.com/.

[podtherapy]

How to Find a Therapist

Ding ding ding! This is the GOLDEN QUESTION that we get every year during our annual Reddit AMA!

This information is for people in the United States as we are not familiar with other countries.

Will you be paying out of pocket?

1. Search Yelp, Google or Psychology Today to find therapists in your area. All therapists take out of pocket patients, pick whoever you like.

2. Don’t be afraid to use telehealth therapists, most people say they find it to be very natural and easy to use. 

Do you have insurance?

1. You may have a phone number on the back of your insurance card to call for mental health care.

2. Go to your insurance’s website and download the “provider list” for mental health. Start googling the names of providers and see if any of them are a good fit.

3. Go to Psychology Today and search for therapists by Zip code, filter those results by your insurance. You can also filter by specialties, but keep in mind most therapists are competent to treat most things and will tell you if they aren’t, so don’t over think it.

4. Websites like Alma, American Well, Live Health Online, and others may be able to use your insurance and connect you easily with a therapist. 

5.  If you have your state’s insurance (Medicaid etc) then contact them for the provider list or search Psychology Today. It isn’t the case that Medicaid therapists are lesser in quality, the same therapists take multiple forms of insurance. 

Are you or your spouse/parent employed?

1. Contact your Human Resources department and ask if your company has an “Employee Assistance Program” (EAP). You may receive access to a therapist completely independent of insurance.

Uninsured and Unemployed?

1. Search therapists in your area and look for “Interns” or “Associate” therapists. Many therapists are in their “Intern” years, this is sort of like a learners permit, they are practicing therapy under the supervision of a master therapist. These are great lower rate options. 

2. You can also contact therapists and ask if they have a “sliding scale”, this means they will charge some patients less if there is a financial difficulty.

3. Contact your state Colleges and Universities, ask if they have a program where graduate students practice counseling. These are usually nearly free for patients and exist so therapy students can get hands on experience.

4. Are you religious? Contact your church and ask if they have any options. Often religious institutions have lists of professional therapists they partner with and are happy to pay the bill for. 

5. There are websites that create low rate directories of therapists like Open Path

In the Military, have Tricare or part of the VA? 

1. Look into Telemynd, a service provided to all military members families and veterans which can connect you with a mental health provider. 

2. Active duty and afraid talking to a therapist will compromise your clearance? Maybe start with couples therapy between you and your spouse. At last check, clearance forms make an exception for meeting with a therapist to talk about relationships, that might be a good place to start a conversation about how your mental health is effecting the relationship. 

More Tips

1. If you contact a therapist you like and they aren’t taking patients, ask them if they can recommend a therapist they respect who might have openings. 

2. Don’t give up! It can take some time to find a therapist that matches your resources and needs, and then finding a therapist who is a good fit can also be 

What Qualities Should I Look For In a Therapist? 

1. Professionally licensed. While "life coaches" and "healers" have value in the world, there is a reason mental health is the domain of clinical professionals. When you see therapists names you will usually see some letters like PhD, LMFT, LCSW, LPC, LMHC, etc. Google what those letters mean in your state and make sure the Therapist is a licensed provider. 

2. Professionally oriented. Its becoming increasingly fashionable for Therapists to signal on their profile that they dabble in some mystical, political or social philosophies. On one hand there is nothing wrong with them doing that, and its helpful if you find a therapist who aligns with your personal world view. On the other hand, when a therapist presents themselves in professional, clinical ways, they more likely to carry themselves in those ways. 

3. Alignment. Maybe you'd feel more comfortable with somebody who looks like you, comes from the same religious background as you, has a similar gender or sexuality experience as you, has or doesn't have children, is of a certain age, etc. Its ok to look for those human factors. But don't prioritize them too highly. Like hiring a plumber, its more important that they be good at plumbing than somebody you'd like to have a beer with.

[commackmentalhealth]

Best museums to check out in West Commack, NY

West Commack, NY is a town in Suffolk County, New York, that boasts a vibrant cultural scene, including a variety of museums that are well worth a visit. Here are some of the best museums to check out in West Commack, NY.

The Vanderbilt Museum

The Vanderbilt Museum, located in Centerport, NY, is a cultural gem in the heart of West Commack. This historic museum features a collection of artifacts from the late 19th and early 20th centuries, including fine art, furniture, and decorative arts. The museum's extensive collection also includes marine specimens, natural history exhibits, and a planetarium. Visitors can take a guided tour of the museum, attend a lecture or event, or simply explore the grounds and gardens.

The Heckscher Museum of Art

The Heckscher Museum of Art, located in Huntington, NY, is a must-see for art lovers in West Commack. The museum boasts an impressive collection of American and European art, including works by renowned artists such as Picasso, Van Gogh, and Renoir. Visitors can take a self-guided tour of the museum or participate in a guided tour led by a trained docent. The museum also hosts a variety of special events, including lectures, workshops, and concerts.

The Cold Spring Harbor Fish Hatchery and Aquarium

The Cold Spring Harbor Fish Hatchery and Aquarium, located in Cold Spring Harbor, NY, is a unique and fascinating museum that is perfect for families. The museum features a variety of aquatic exhibits, including live fish and reptiles, and visitors can even feed the fish and turtles. The museum also has an outdoor nature trail and picnic area, making it a great place for a family outing.

The Walt Whitman Birthplace State Historic Site and Interpretive Center

The Walt Whitman Birthplace State Historic Site and Interpretive Center, located in Huntington Station, NY, is a must-visit for literature lovers. The museum is dedicated to the life and work of poet Walt Whitman, who was born in the house on the site in 1819. Visitors can explore the museum's collection of Whitman memorabilia, including rare editions of his works, and take a guided tour of the house and grounds. The museum also hosts a variety of events, including poetry readings and writing workshops.

Conclusion

West Commack, NY, is a town with a rich cultural heritage and a variety of museums that are well worth a visit. Whether you're interested in art, history, nature, or literature, there's a museum in West Commack that is sure to pique your interest. So, grab your family or friends and head out to explore the best museums that West Commack has to offer.

Contact us

Dynamic Counseling LCSW PC

354 Veterans Memorial Hwy, Commack, NY 11725

Phone: (631) 600-3216 Email: dynamiccounselingli@gmail.com

Company Hours: Monday-Saturday: 9:00 AM–9:00 PM, Sunday: Closed

Map Driving Directions

[beautifulwick3dn3ss]

Depression.

Today i spoke with a LCSW through my insurance company. What was supposed to be a 30 min call turned into 2 hours. He deemed me suicidal and wanted to make sure I was safe.

Yes, I'm suicidal. I think about it every day. I have a plan. Hell, the other day I took too much insulin and thought to myself ... "I honestly didn't mean to, but subconsciously maybe i did"

I don't know. I take each day at a time. Each hour.

Today i have a neuro appt... guess we will see what she says.

[abcd-adventures]

I keep thinking that life is going to slow down...maybe I should give that up...

I have officially finished grad school!! I do still have to take my licensure exam on August 4th, but I am feeling pretty prepared for it. I’ll still study right up until the last moment though because that is just what my brain demands. Currently doing a re-read of the DSM--fun times. 

In AWESOME news, I get to keep doing the job I’ve been doing as part of my field placement!! One of the full-time social workers transferred to another location that is closer to where she lives. My boss suggested that I apply to fill her vacant position. I told her that I can’t work full-time at this point in my life. She insisted that if I liked my job I should apply. I did. Long story short: my co-workers, my boss, and the senior management did SO MUCH to ensure that I could stay. I get to do the BEST job and I get to do it four days a week and with crazy manageable hours that work with my life AND I still get 401K benefits and paid time off plus free supervision for my LCSW. I seriously could cry (I did cry). I love this job and the clients and the people I work with so much. I have no idea how I am so lucky, but I’m endlessly grateful!

In other news, my family is doing well! B is three already and just so funny and amazing and smart (and sometimes frustrating). He’s settled into his part-time Mother’s Day Out routine and it’s perfect socialization for him without being too much. My mom picks him up between 12:30/1 and he takes a short nap and then she gives him snack and I’m home by 3:45. It’s a nice balance and although it hasn’t been seamless having my mom live with us, it is SO NICE to have that balance of support for B.

C is almost done with his year of time to figure things out (he gave himself this time limit, not us), and he’s leaning heavily toward getting his pilot license or joining the military. Definitely not thrilled with that latter option, but his father’s family and my family have a super long history of military service and I’ll support him no matter what...even if that would not be my choice for him. He came home a couple weeks ago, and it was SO LOVELY to spend time with him. He’s been great about communicating and staying in touch, but it’s still nice to get to hug your people.

The husband’s company is expanding and opening up a new location in an adjacent town. He’s been with this company for fifteen years and it pays well, has great benefits, and the hours are stable and not too excessive for the crazy tech industry. But, he’s bored and he hates managing so many people. He will likely have a chance to transfer and help establish this new location and he’s very ready for a change but hasn’t been tempted by any of the other options out there. A couple members of his team went to Tesla recently--literally every one of them wanted their jobs back within a couple months. I’m hoping he gets to make the move to his company’s new location. 

Anyway, we’re alive! We’re doing well! I miss you guys! <3

[likealittleheartbeat]

One of the weaker atla fandom takes is ‘I ship so-and-so with therapy.’ As if the mentorships, spiritual guidance, somatic practices, peer supports, and ultimate political liberation are not enough to really help these characters out. It’s not real, I guess, unless the gaang talks to someone whose in however much student loan debt with a license that let’s them put four letters behind their name and talk to insurance companies. Lol. Like, a good therapist can be incredibly helpful, but maybe, when your looking at a show that’s a historical fantasy based in East Asian and indigenous cultural practices, consider the fact that there are other approaches to emotional well-being besides what’s come to now dominate the west.

And I get why it’s hard for a lot of us raised in Euro-American cultures to see. Since the Enlightenment, in the standardized health world, we’re used to a very systematic and specialized approach to health, visiting different doctors for different parts of our body. Let alone the idea that emotional and physical health might be connected. Certainly some scientific gems were discovered within western medicine approaches. But it’s also fortunate that holistic practices are being increasingly addressed in western medicine now, although the classifications and bureaucracy remain.

Meanwhile, the roles and approaches in other philosophies of health have consistently been more integrated. They saw relationships and faith as factors worthy of investigation, and western medicine, as I said, is increasingly beginning to recognize the efficacy of these other well-established perspectives. In fact, Zimbabwean Grannies, you know community mentor figures like Kanna or Iroh or Gyatso, were shown to be significantly more effective in addressing the mental health needs of a Zimbabwean community member than a licensed therapist (and this has been repeated in other cultures), not because therapists are shams but because cultural relevancy and faith in the process are pretty much the most important factors for individual’s outcomes in a therapeutic relationship.

The other thing is that it’s not just a therapist’s job to get a client to feel good. Their job is to help the client create a balanced lifestyle, securely face their problems, and integrate with people in the world. If these supports are in place, and the client feels at peace and strong in their approaches to coping when struggles come up, the therapy should be done. And the client shouldn’t be dragged into years of expensive sessions just because they went through some shit in childhood; that would just be cruelty on top of cruelty. The end of the show seems like a pretty good portrayal of finding a state of well-being for everyone—except for Ozai and Azula lol—all found with support from people who did not have LCSWs (though the nomads could have certainly had degrees in the same vain as Tibetan monks).

So, especially within the atla fandom or in reference to other non-western and/or historical characters, when someone says I ship so-and-so with therapy, I can appreciate their well-meant sentiment that they have compassion for this character’s plight, but I just want them to be sensitive to the way their meme unknowingly makes a lil imperial move by projecting the superiority of current (and very capitalizing) western healthcare. And I think as fans of atla, a show that’s focused on the arms of imperialism AND the legitimacy of eastern traditions, we can make better jokes. But don’t beat urself up, honestly. Like Alanis says, you live, you learn. Flameo, hotmans!