#later on that girl also told me her shitty abusive husband had actually also back when they dated like

[transuncletaylor]

(tw: some childhood neglect and abuse talk)

My therapist had me talking to my younger self the last two sessions and I decided I wanted to write her a letter. And then share it as an act of vulnerability and letting people in, but also to continue my story and hope that it helps someone else out. And maybe because I want someone to read it and tell me I'm doing okay.

I didn't know what to say to her the first time my therapist had asked me what I would say. I don't actually remember what I did say even though it was just a week ago. Today I told her I was sorry. I was sorry that she had to go through all of that growing up and I'm so sorry for what she's about to go through.

However, I told her we made it. We can't see right now that we've made it further than we could have ever imagined, but we're here and we're learning to see with eyes unclouded. We realized lately that we struggle not needing approval from others, that we can get that inwardly, and that we have nothing to prove, we don't need to prove why we are worth love or kindness or space. We're working on letting in the love of others and really feeling it and loving in return.

But young Taylor, there's so much I wish I could go back in time to tell you. I want to reiterate that I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that and you worked with what you had. You had to scrape by and steal and go hungry because all you had after rent and bills was $10 and a bag of oranges until you could go to yours mother's home. You fished donuts out of dumpsters for fun, but that kept you fed. You medicated yourself because feeling became too much to bear after college and your shitty friends encouraged it. I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry that I didn't know better, that I did what others told me to do because they were all I had.

We changed our life around, applied for grad school when Ian applied because we didn't know what we wanted to do so we did what he did. Our mom kept us on puppet strings and so when we started slipping line by line, we looked for someone else to guide our broken strings. He wasn't the worst, but he was still an emotionally unavailable white cis gay man who didn't give you the support you needed and put you in a box to make you smaller, palpable, telling you you were too much. We had our fun though and today we look back on those times together fondly, but it's not what we need now.

Young Taylor, I'm so sorry for hating you. I'm so sorry I thought we were broken and there was something wrong with us. We were playing by a rulebook and milestones that weren't for us and it took 2020 for us to see it. I'm so sorry for thinking you were unattractive, I look back at photos of you and think about how beautiful you were as a woman, but that beauty grew so much when you got into the right body. There wasn't anything wrong with you, you were never broken. You were hurt and you had to make do with what you had.

You weren't undatable and unloveable. You weren't made to be in a cishet relationship or fit the role of a southern girlfriend with pearls and ribbon in her hair. Your brother and sister married their first partners in their late twenties, but they knew their genders and sexuality. You didn't get to play in your field for a long time. I'm sorry, young Taylor, I'm sorry for thinking that we couldn't be loved.

You are so loved young Taylor. Your sister loves you, her husband loves you, your niece and nephew especially love you. He asked you if you could come over soon and your niece draws on her arms to mimic your tattoos. She's a wild one, be wary of her. She likes to climb kitchen counters at almost 3 to blow out the candle your sister has lit.

Jesse ended our friendship in 2016, Ian in 2021, you kicked Tyler to the curb just a few months later. Scarlett I think you cut out in 2019 and that was for the best, she was a real bitch and pick me girl. But just because Jesse and Ian left us, it wasn't because of anything we did and sure we have our faults, we're only human, but Jesse left because you stood your ground and didn't want to be ignored and lied to as he would look for hook ups whenever you hung out in public. Ian was a transphobic asshole whose Netflix password was 2020Trump2024, so really, losing him was the best thing that happened. He didn't even have the guts to tell you he didn't want to be friends after 13 years of friendship. He tried to ghost you until you asked his boyfriend what was up. Also fuck both Jeremies.

But you are so loved. You always were. And you are especially now. You have great people in your life now, those who love all of your being no matter how loud and how much space you take. No one is trying to make you anything other than who you want to be. They only want to see you happy and flourishing and be your authentic true self and for you to be you. Because that's all you ever had to be. You just have to be you. Because you are so worthy of love and life and happiness not because of what you accomplished, not what you know or who you know or what you could give to others. Because you're Taylor. And Taylor, you have always been worthy of love, of being loved, and loving in return.

So I end this letter to myself by saying we made it. Mom said we wouldn't make it past 25. We didn't think we would make it past 32. But here we are just a few months shy of 35 and we have made it. You are me now. We have food in the fridge that we love, we aren't living paycheck to paycheck, our bed is full of blankets and pillows and stuffies and no one to tell us that we have too many blankets and pillows and stuffies. We have bunnies who love us, yes, even Dusty loves us though he's kind of aloof. We have a face with a beard that we don't shy our eyes away in the mirror anymore. Our family has grown with aunts, uncles, cousins that you haven't talked to in a very long time and friends who love you unconditionally.

Young Taylor, I am so sorry we had to endure all of that. But we can rest now, we made it. We are here. You did it. I did it. I'm where I always wanted to be. And there's so much left for us to see and explore and experience and learn and grow and I'm so excited to do this with you in my past and so excited to see who we are in the future.

I love you. I love us. I love me.

[bow-chicka-wow-wow-wow]

What The Fuck Is Wrong With Modern Family Guy?

Family Guy first aired in 1999. For the past 25 years, the show has survived two cancellations, a couple friendly jabs from The Simpsons, a not-so-friendly bashing from South Park, has been the subject of many controversies, had a few banned episodes, was the target of PTC groups, and it’s still going. Nowadays, the only thing the series is good for is the nostalgia for the classic episodes, because let’s face it, the show FUCKING SUCKS NOW!! At what point did the once beloved adult cartoon become an embarrassment to animation? Some would say starting with season 9 when the show made the jump to HD, others would say around season 7, personally I’d say around season 8, right around the time they made Brian and Quagmire mortal enemies. So, what earned this piece of shit show its fall from grace? Time to set the record straight!

1. Character Flanderization - Each character had traits that have been overly simplified while other traits have been greatly exaggerated. Take Brian for example, cause he was one of the hardest hit characters with that concept. At the start of the series, he was the intelligent voice of reason, but now he is an alcoholic, pretentious, unlikable scumbag! Peter went from lovable doofus to domestic abusive, underoos psychopath, and Lois went from caring housewife who played the piano beautifully to sexual deviant who’s obviously cheating on her husband, and not just with Bill Clinton! Meg went from typical awkward teenage girl to the show’s punching bag (more on that later), Joe was a heroic cop in spite of his handicap who’s now seen as pathetically worthless. And don’t get me started on Quagmire! While he was always perverted, he at least used to be likable. But now he’s noting more than a sex-crazed maniac. And he had the BALLS to call Brian out on his faults when he’s the BIGGEST FUCKING HYPOCRITE OF ALL TIME??!!

2. Convoluted/Recycled Episode Plots - A LOT OF EPISODES ARE THE SAME SHITTY PLOT!! No matter what season we’re on, if you get asked if you’ve seen the most recent episode of Family Guy, and you ask, “Isn’t that the one where Peter does some reckless shenanigan that leads to Brian ‘finding love,’ only for the relationship to end abruptly because of how unlikable that fucker is?,” YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY CORRECT!! Also there’s the problem of two things going on at once. In one episode, Stewie gets PREGNANT (more on that later), while in that episode’s B-plot, Peter and the guys are trying to make a viral video. Honestly I forgot how well that turned out cause I was already disgusted by, uh, THAT plot! WHICH WAS WHY THERE SHOULD NOT BE MORE THAN ONE FUCKING PLOT IN A FUCKING EPISODE!!!!

3. Drawn Out/Extended/Overused “Jokes” (aka Filler)- Yeah, I put that in quotation marks because a joke is supposed to be FUNNY! Not even the Joker would find the “humor” in this shitwad of a show hilarious! But I digress! You know the writers have not written enough material for an episode when they throw in something as filler just to fill up the 22-minute runtime. Like the chicken fights, while they are epic, they’re just really used as an excuse to make up for lack of material, because each fight just gets longer, and Longer, AND LONGER! And don’t expect that to end anytime soon, because Peter brings Ernie back to life solely because he didn’t want to be the only one responsible for paying for the damages their conflict has caused throughout town throughout the years! Oh and the Conway Twitty jokes! I’m gonna be honest, I didn’t really like them the first time, but that was at a time I DESPISED country music (I still hate modern country music, but thanks to New Vegas, I broadened my horizons, and my favorite music is metal). But in one scene, they decide to SHOW AN ENTIRE 3-MINUTE SONG!!! 3 MINUTES! OUT OF A 22-MINUTE EPISODE!!! Eventually, even God told Peter that Mr. Twitty himself says to cut it out and actually write a joke! And who can forget Peter falling and hurting his knee? The “SSS, AHHH” gag was funny the first time, but after being used repeatedly, it gets old fast! Also, I should mention the wasted minute of Carter smashing a park bench with a bulldozer.

4. Shocking/Grossout “Humor” - I purposefully didn’t mention this in my last point, but that moment when Peter “rescues” a beached whale with a forklift truck? Yeah he actually impales it with the truck’s forks, killing it instantly. Not only that, but he spends a minute and a half getting it off the forklift, spilling its entrails and even its fucking jaw! How about that episode where Brian GIVES STEWIE HERPES??? OR THE ONE WHERE STEWIE IMPREGNATES HIMSELF USING BRIAN’S DNA?!?! THATS FUCKING DISGUSTING!! I ALWAYS SKIP THE LATTER TWO EPISODES BECAUSE I DON’T EVER WANNA PUT MYSELF THROUGH THAT AGAIN!! How about a moment that got an episode banned from rebroadcast, when Peter wins the Boston Marathon by getting in his car and running over the other competitors? That’s NOT funny!

5. Mean-Spirited Show - Peter even admits he’s no longer attracted to Lois AND he didn’t like being around the kids, Lois encourages Meg to commit suicide, Brian became an unbearable douche after he writes a best-seller, Stewie tells Brian that he’s gonna buy a cake when he dies, Bonnie is hellbent on leaving Joe, even contemplated killing him, and the list goes on and on. That’s all I have to say…

6. Not Living Up To The Name - It’s called “Family Guy,” not “Idiotic Menace Does Whatever Moronic, Reckless Shenanigan That Pops In His Head With Zero Regard For His Family, His, Friends, Or His Whole Community At Large, And Gets Off Scott Free And Learns Nothing!” Peter Griffin, the so-called “Family Guy,” is a selfish, immature, drunk, abusive, unfaithful, apathetic, unsympathetic, unlikable, idiotic, psychopathic JACKASS!! HE PUTS HIS OWN DAUGHTER’S FACE TO HIS ASS AND FARTS IN IT!!! MORE ON THAT LATER! HE CONSTANTLY CHEATS ON HIS WIFE, HE DOESN’T REALLY CARE ABOUT CHRIS OR STEWIE, AND HE CONSTANTLY BELITTLES OR PUTS DOWN HIS OWN BEST FRIENDS, DRINKS WAY TO MUCH, AND DESTROYS THE FUCKING TOWN EVERY FEW YEARS FIGHTING ERNIE THE GIANT CHICKEN!! HOW THE FUCK IS HE NOT IN PRISON?!?!

7. Meg Bashing - WHY. THE. FUCK. IS. THIS. A. THING?!?! Meg started the season off as an unpopular high school girl, you know, normal teenage bullshit, and she suddenly becomes UNIVERSALLY HATED BY EVERYONE, ESPECIALLY HER FAMILY!!! LOIS AND PETER ATTEMPT TO ABANDON HER AT A FIRE STATION AS A BABY, LOIS MAKES IT A POINT TO PUT HER DOWN EVERY CHANCE SHE GETS, PETER FARTS ON HER, AND THE LIST GOES ON!!! WHY ALL THE HATE? BECAUSE APPARENTLY SHE’S “UGLY??” SHE’S NOT EVEN THAT UNATTRACTIVE!! EVERYONE ON THE SHOW SHOULD DIE A HORRIFIC DEATH!!!

[unproduciblesmackdown]

that time at my last job where somehow i started talking to this girl who would come in sometimes and i’d see her like every few weeks maybe and eventually she was telling me abt problems w her fiancé and i could Tell he was shitty but i didnt do anything but listen sympathetically b/c i didnt wanna push the matter further than she was ready to hear and the one time that the fiancé actually was there with her i pretended not to loathe him b/c i didnt want him maybe noticing i knew he was shit and taking it out on the girl b/c he sounded really controlling and once i ran into her in the parking lot and she was upset abt losing a job and her now-husband was starting to resent her and she was upset and told me she didn’t really have any friends or family and i of course knew of these things and so i just kept telling her it was totally fine to talk to me abt this shit for however long and get a hug and etc and i Get It, and then later on she’s saying its worse and her husband is probably cheating on her but acting like he thinks she’s cheating on him and generally treating her like shit and im still sympathizing and telling her to talk to me whenever she sees me anytime, and later she says her husband broke a window when he got mad at her and the landlord was adding the repair cost to their rent and they couldnt afford it and were gonna become homeless by monday and i knew exactly how that was and i had no advice which sucks but i was still there to listen and i sat down to listen to her vent and it was the dinner rush but i cared more abt being a decent person to this girl who needed somebody to listen and be on her side, and of course the gen manager finally noticed and gave me shit about it and i just responded w total neutrality b/c if i genuinely responded i’d’ve been more pissed abt it. and on occasion i’d get more shit from the gm b/c i work by doing shit unasked and so only rarely does any manager or employee notice or care and they only mind when someones not doing something by the book and i lost my temper when they pulled that “i’m timing your bathroom breaks” shit and i shouldve quit right then honestly b/c yeah my bad for checking tweets while i pee, other ppl sneak honest to god 40 min secret breaks or do nothing that helpful their whole shift, and im not abt to narc on them but thanks for deciding to mess w me b/c you had to wait 3 min for me to take a delivery out

anyways the good news is before i left that shit too i met that girl one last time and she said her husband was in jail for assaulting her and i was like omg congratulations, sorry for him choking you but congratulations, and she was actually happy lol and i know how That is

i had the Gays at that job and a few other allies but shoutout to the unnecessary frustrations there. shoutout to me staying after my shifts to use my employee discount for a meal and to sit down for a min and be online and inside and in a framework where i had more respect than i did outside the context of working, shoutout to the ppl who liked to consistently joke at me to go home when i did this, i, who was homeless,

shoutout to that one employee who among other shitty things she said to me from time to time, when i was complaining to ppl abt being sexually assaulted at the gas station on my way in to the shift, listened to me vaguely recount what happened and decided to say “wow i can’t believe you let him do that” like twice

shoutout though to the ppl who were genuinely decent to me like the guy who came over to me a bit after that and tried to apologize for what she’d said lol but man those decent ppl kept leaving for other jobs lol. i wish i’d quit that job better. jumped on the chance to give some mgmt a clearer piece of my mind. sigh! c’est la vie

[wigwurq]

WIG REVIEW: THE QUEEN’S GAMBIT

Yes it’s true - the only things I’ve been watching lately are prestige TV shows starring women with bad red wigs. I’ll get back to movies someday!! In the meantime, I finally watched all of this miniseries that has Netflix and the world aflame with love - and I am aflame too....WITH HATRED OF ALL OF THESE WIGS!!! I have so much to discuss with this show, y’all. A friend of mine (who hasn’t watched this show yet) probably said it best when he told me he thought the wigs in this show were supposed to be wigs WITHIN the narrative of the show (and therefore allowed to be bad): “wait I thought this was about a chess spy - that’s supposed to be her real hair? NO” INDEED!!! Let’s take it episode by episode (SPOILERS ABOUND) and DISCUSS.

Episode 1 - Openings

We begin in Paris, 1967. Beth Harmon, chess champion (?) awakens in a bath of ice (?) in the dark of her hotel room, clearly hung over or maybe still drunk. Her red ‘60s flip wig looks like HELL as does she, so...ok I guess this bad wig wurqs...for now. She sits herself down to play CHESS!! This whole show is about chess, obviously, and everyone is just mad about chess now! I am mad, too, because the show does not make chess seem interesting or sexy and I still hate it. 

Anyway, we rewind about 10 (?) years to a young Beth Harmon, who is suddenly orphaned after her mom definitely commits suicide via car accident. Her mom has super short bangs and cries a lot. We see some even further flashbacks to an even younger Beth IN THE MOST OUTRAGEOUS BABY WIG (MORE ON THAT LATER). We learn that her mom is very unhinged, but also probably brilliant, as Beth herself will become later. LET’S HOPE SHE NEVER GETS HER DRIVER’S LICENCE (note: she never does?)

Apparently the mid to late ‘50s were all about very VERY short bangs, and on this non-wigged little girl I guess that is fine.

BUT THEN! She is brought to an orphanage where they burn her old clothes (YES REALLY!) and cut her hair into a bob (the kid’s actual hair so again - ok!) and also give her and all the other girls constant drugs! The 1950s were really wild, amiright? If I have learned anything from movies set at orphanages in the 50s, drug abuse was the main issue (the only movie I’m referring to is obviously The Cider House Rules and the only thing I remember about that movie is that Michael Caine had an ether addiction). Anyway, the sedative drugs make her immediately put her hand on a hot radiator (safety first, orphanage!) 

She also makes friends with an older girl named Jolene (I LOVE THE NAME) who teachers her to save the sedative drugs for nighttime when they can help her sleep. Great advice, Jolene! Also: there is absolutely no way that African American Jolene would be in an integrated orphanage in mid-50s KENTUCKY but this is just the beginning of issues I have with this series......

Moving on! In avoiding the orphanage’s weird insistence on Jesusy choir practice, she discovers the basement realm of janitor Bill Camp, who never actually does any janitorial work (that I could see?) but definitely plays a lot of chess. And thus, her chess obsession begins! This is also helped by those sedatives she takes every night which give her really absurd chess hallucinations on the ceiling. This orphanage has it all!

Essentially, this miniseries is Valley of the Dolls if those characters got addicted to both pills and chess at the age of 9. Beth gets very VERY good at chess and some rando chess guy from the local high school comes and gives Beth a doll (BETH HATES THE DOLL BUT LOVES DOLLS DO YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE). And she goes to the high school and plays a bunch of terrible high school boys at chess simultaneously and beats them all. Also: the orphanage suddenly gets in trouble for giving sedatives to small children for years and Beth is PISSED. She goes through withdrawal and years for the big ol’ jar o’ pills!!!

AND THEN! During a kind of Jesusy film presentation, Beth sneaks away to the orphanage pharmacy and just goes hog wild on the pills! TRULY: Valley of the Dolls has nothing on this sequence. 

Obviously, Beth is caught pill-handed and she also spills all the pills, breaks a giant glass jar, and then falls onto both of them. SHE IS 9. I THINK I LOVE THIS SHOW.

Episode 2: Exchanges

So after Beth’s completely insane pill odyssey, she is punished by being forbidden to play chess! Fast forward an indeterminate number of years, and we meet a slightly older Beth (now played by the bewigged Anya Taylor-Joy). AND THIS WIG, Y’ALL. WOOF. Completely dried out and bent, it really makes you appreciate the fact that they just cut the younger Beth’s hair. I realize that Anya is going to go through many 50s and 60s hairstyles to come but I really wish they had just done the same and used her real hair because we are about to take a bad wig odyssey that will last throughout this series. Also! I love that Jolene is played by the same actress! How old is too old to be in an orphanage?

Speaking of age! Beth is apparently now 15 but when a super weird couple expresses interest in adopting her, the orphanage director lady lies and says Beth is 13 and everyone just goes with it....FOR THE REST OF THE SERIES. Seriously, this age difference is never ever visited again or challenged. Beth is basically 15-17 for at least 5 years and no one gives a shit. OK? Anyway, Beth is adopted by Marielle friggin Heller (aka director of Can You Ever Forgive Me? and A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood) who has a very Mamie Eisenhower wig which is just fine compared to the bent and dry-ass mess on Anya’s head.

It is later revealed that Marielle adopted Beth because her husband is mainly away on business and she needs an older gal pal around to fetch her....sedatives from the magazine store! I wonder if Beth will totally get addicted to them again! I’m no chess player but you can absolutely predict plot devices in this series about two pawns away (is that a chess term? I still don’t know or care!) 

So yes: as predicted Beth absolutely gets addicted to sedatives again (also the specific sedatives she gets addicted to are the exact same ones she was addicted to at the orphanage - WHAT A COINCIDENCE! - and also they are made up sedatives for the purposes of this show only in case we all want to get the same magical chess sedatives and see chess on the ceiling too). ALSO! Beth is still mainly addicted to chess despite the fact that she was permitted from playing it for the last 5-7 years (depending on what version of her age you’re going on?) but still is good at it? Most upsetting: she rips apart her lovely bed canopy in order to see her ceiling chess hallucinations! THE NERVE OF THIS KID!

Also nervy: bitch totally stole chess magazines from the pharmacy when she was also stealing sedatives from her adoptive mom! Kleptomania is Beth’s #3 addiction after chess and pills also comes into play when it is revealed that her new adoptive mom is kinda poor since her husband is away all the time and doesn’t give her enough money so Beth can’t enter those chess tournaments she read about in the magazines she stole. SO she writes to janitor Bill Camp and asks for $5 to enter the chess thing and if she wins she’ll send him $10. THIS IS A VERY IMPORTANT PLOT POINT WHICH WILL COME INTO PLAY LATER. So Beth goes to the chess tournament where she meets some not handsome twin dudes and a very handsome other dude named Townes.

Basically all the chess dudes at this tourney suck in the same way? To be fair: if I saw Beth walking up in her ugly orphanage clothes and orphanage cut wig, I would think she sucked at chess too? Oh also - all the girls at her new high school also think her style sucks. I WONDER IF IN COMING EPISODES SHE WILL GAIN MORE STYLE AND CHESS FAME THAN ALL THESE GARBAGE PEOPLE. Spoiler: she does and also beats this dude named Harry and becomes the Kentucky chess champion. Also! Beth’s adoptive dad totally abandons her and Marielle Heller!  I still hate chess but will continue to watch this show because of its haunting wigs and lowgrade feminist vibe.

Episode 3: Doubled Pawns

This episode begins with a flashback to Beth’s shitty birth mother and her shitty banged wig and remember that time I said I was going to talk about the wig on the littlest girl who plays her? WELL HERE WE ARE. Baby Beth has the absolute WORST WIG ON THIS SHOW and given how terrible all the wigs are, that is saying a lot. This wig looks like it was ripped off an American Girl doll which had been mistreated for years and thrown of a jungle gym or something. IT IS THE ABSOLUTE WORST (as is her mom, who makes this poor kid believe she had drowned!!!) 

ANYWAY. We get a new wig in this episode!!! Beth manages to grow out her orphanage bangs and allow her hair to have a 50s wave bob. Do not be fooled by the higher quality of this cut, however - the quality of the WIG continues to very much suck! WHAT IS THIS HAIR PART! No hair underneath! And everything is still a dried out, bent mess! ALSO HER ROOTS ARE A NIGHTMARE. This is also the episode wherein Marielle Heller basically becomes Mama Rose to Beth and really gets into Beth supporting both of them via chess winnings and becomes her chess manager (ACTUAL JOB TITLE). Also Beth gets nicer clothing. Hilariously, Marielle tells Beth’s high school that Beth is just constantly sick so she can skip school to go to chess tournaments even though Beth is straight up on the cover of Life magazine?! I wonder if this will at all come to the attention of the high school - IT DOESN’T! PLOT HOLES BE DAMNED THIS SHOW IS ABOUT CHESS! She does go to high school long enough for the snobby girls who once made fun of her to invite her to the dumbest party ever where they just sit around and ask Beth dumb questions about Chess fame and then all have a sing-along to a song Beth doesn’t know because she has no idea what pop culture is: ONLY CHESS CULTURE. I watched this show with my mom and asked if ‘60s parties were like this and she laughed her head off and said NO. ALSO! Beth’s kleptomania comes into play at this party where she steals a bottle of gin and leaves without saying goodbye to anyone. WHAT A BITCH.

Speaking of bitches, Beth meets a new chess diva in the form of Love Actually’s resident child drum prodigy! He has a character name but whatever: Love Actually is his name and he has longish shaggy (non wigged) hair and dresses like Crocodile Dundee and is loved and feared in the chess community for being such a non-nerd (?) chess player. I asked my mom if anyone dressed like this in the ‘60s and she said “NO! But I guess I didn’t know everyone” WHICH IS A GREAT ANSWER BECAUSE MY MOM DIDN’T RUN IN WEIRD CHESS CIRCLES IN THE ‘60s. We are lead to believe the ‘60s chess community of weirdos consists of the same 5 rotating dudes who are all at the same chess tournaments always and also possible love interests for Beth and she’s better at chess than all of them.

The only weirdo chess dude that Beth cares about is Townes, who you may recall from the last episode in which he was the only attractive chess dude at that first chess tournament Beth went to with borrowed Bill Camp money. Anyway, she runs into him at some chess tournament (LIKE I REMEMBER WHICH ONE PLEASE) in Las Vegas where he is now a chess reporter (ACTUAL 1960s JOB, Y’ALL). He invites Beth back to his hotel boudoir where he takes some non-boudoir pictures of her playing chess and Beth is all aflutter with chess love but SUCK IT BETH, TOWNES IS GAY!!! I have to say that the only believable part of this show is that the only attractive chess dude would be homosexual. It still does not forgive any of the other plot nonsense.

SO! It’s still the big Vegas chess tournament which is super duper important-chess wise (though this show also makes it seem like every chess game IS THE MOST IMPORTANT so who is to say?) Anyway, Beth and her 50s wave wig (even though it is the 60s?) play Love Actually and....they both win? I didn’t know this was a chess pastability but ok? Beth is pissed that she didn’t beat Love Actually, I hope I never have to see him again (SPOILER HE’S IN MANY MORE EPISODES AND HAD I KNOWN THAT MAYBE I WOULD HAVE STOPPED WATCHING NOW BUT I DIDN’T!) 

Episode 4: Middle Game

We are still stuck with this weird ‘50s bob in this episode. IT STILL LOOKS BAD. New developments are: Beth is taking night classes at the local college (even though she is technically still in high school?) in order to learn Russian to better understand people who are more obsessed with chess than she is: Russians. Anyway, he ends up going to the most wild and stereotypical hippie party with a college dude after class and yep - loses her virginity to him. Ok? At least it wasn’t to a chess weirdo? She also stays behind and parties and drinks alone in the hippie apartment because of all her substance addiction and kleptomania. Also! She graduates from high school despite being 2 years too old for high school (a plot point never explained) and missing all that high school for chess tourneys (another plot point never explained!) OH WELL: CHESS! 

Beth and Marielle go to Mexico City for some chess tournament (AGAIN I COULDN’T TELL YOU WHICH ONE). Marielle is excited because she is pen pals (OMG THE 60s Y’ALL) with some Mexican weirdo who I definitely feared would steal all the chess winnings but then ultimately just sucks in the same way the adoptive dad did. Beth also runs into those chess twin weirdos because the chess community is comprised of only 5 dudes as I said. Their hair looks bad but not as bad as her wig. 

Beth doesn’t see much of Mexico City - nor do we unless you count a truly outrageous sequence in which Beth and Marielle go out on their hotel balcony and look into a green screen rendering of Mexico City that would have felt at home in CGI ghostmare, Bohemian Rhapsody. Anyway, Beth and her olde timey 1950s wig which is spending way too much time in the 60s even though she’s supposed to be stylish now, take a lot of chess baths while Marielle drinks a lot because that Mexican pen pal/boyfriend sucks so bad.

So Beth wins enough chess to play Borgov, who we are led to believe is the Russian white whale/Bond villain of the chess community and LOSES! She is pretty pissed about it but not as pissed as...

....coming back to the hotel room to discover Marielle Heller and her luscious Mamie Eisenhower wig DEAD. TWICE AN ORPHAN, Y’ALL. Mexican coroners tell Beth that her mom died of hepatitis (!!!) and Beth somehow implicates low quality tequila in this hepatitis death. I LEGITIMATELY GOOGLED ‘DOES TEQUILA GIVE YOU HEPATITIS’ IMMEDIATELY. I DON’T THINK IT DOES?!?!?! THIS SHOW IS ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS AND YES I WILL CONTINUE WATCHING IT DESPITE THE TERRIBLE WIGS AND MY HATRED OF CHESS.

Episode 5: Fork

Beth returns to Kentucky IN THE RAIN BECAUSE TV AND MOVIE DEATHS ARE ALWAYS ACCOMPANIED BY RAIN. She is about to be super lonely in the house she know owns (according to a super sketchy international phone call with her adoptive father which will definitely not hold up in court) and then...she gets a call from Harry! WHO THE EFF IS HARRY! Again, luckily, there are only 5 chess guys who need to remember and he is one of them (he is the one she beat for the Kentucky chess whatever in episode 2). She invites him over because she’s lonely!

Harry is definitely the saddest of the weirdo chess dudes because apparently he’s been harboring a secret love of Beth (who at the time of their first meeting was like 13-15 depending on what timeline you’re going on and he was...20? OK GROSS BUT OK). BITCH EVEN GOT HIS WEIRD TEETH FIXED SO HE COULD BE LOVED BY BETH AND HER BENT ASS WIG AND SERIOUSLY NO THANK YOU HARRY. Regardless, Beth lets Harry have sex with her a few times and live rent-free in her house and ultimately Harry gets enough self confidence to leave this effed up living situation since he will never be one of Beth’s obsessions (which are still: chess, pills/alcohol, stealing shit). 

So Beth goes to Ohio for some other chess tournament and reunites with UGH Love Actually. At this point in the show, Beth starts wearing long scarves as headbands and her wig has never looked better because most of it is covered by the scarf. THANK GOD. So Love Actually totally chess hustles Beth for a lot of coin playing speed chess (DEAR GOD WHY HAVE I BEEN FORCED TO LEARN WHAT SPEED CHESS IS) but in the end, she still beats him for the chess title. EFF YOU, Love Actually! May I never see you again! OH SHIT HE JUST INVITED HER TO  NEW YORK TO TRAIN HER FOR THE PARIS CHESS THING DEAR GOD WHY IS THERE SO MUCH LOVE ACTUALLY IN THIS SHOW OK FINE I’LL STILL WATCH IT.

Episode 6 - Adjournment

Ok so Beth and her ok wig that is mainly covered by a scarf go to Love Actually’s apartment in NYC which IS AN UNDERGROUND BUNKER AND SHE HAS TO SLEEP ON A BLOW UP MATTRESS. Again and for the millionth time: Love Actually is the worst! Especially the worst because he introduces her to all these rando bohemians he knows, including some French bitch who will definitely eff everything up when Beth is already teetering on her pill/alcohol obsession and should probably not meet any other enablers. Somehow, he does get her to quit the pills/alcohol long enough to have sex with him (UGH).

And so we are in Paris, 1967. Where we started the show with Beth’s awful 60s flip! AND WE MEET ANOTHER PLOTHOLE. Only a week before this, Beth was in NYC with hair about 3″ shorter and still wearing scarves in her hair. WHAT IN THE VERY HELL, SHOW! I realize that this show has a very vague sense of time or how old Beth is or whatever but truly: NOPE. 

Anyway, it’s the night before the big match against Borgov and Beth is on her very best behavior when who should ring her up but that French bitch Love Actually introduced her to! She is downstairs at the hotel bar and just come down and have one drink and don’t ruin your entire chess career, mmmkay? THIS ENABLING BITCH!!!! NEVER TRUST ANYONE WITH THIS CRYING GAME WIG UNLESS YOU WANT YOUR LIFE TO BE A CRYING GAME. Of course, Beth goes downstairs, drinks every drink in the bar, has sex with some rando French dude and...wakes up in the icebath we see at the beginning of the show and sweatily plays Borgov in her wig that has never looked frizzier, loses, and is shamed from the entire chess community. Also Love Actually wants Beth to come back to NYC but NO THANK YOU TO YOU AND YOUR BUNKER OF ENABLERS.

Back in Kentucky, Beth....is shown learning how to flip her hair. WAIT WHAT SHE ALREADY HAD A FLIP HAIRSTYLE THE ENTIRE TIME IN PARIS WHAT KIND OF WIG GASLIGHTING ARE YOU PLAYING, SHOW?!?!?!??!?!?!!

UGH anyway, with THE EXACT SAME FLIP WIG AS WE’VE SEEN HER IN, Beth tries to be a responsible young person of indeterminate age who owns a house in Kentucky and not drink or take pills or steal shit. EXCEPT remember that time her adoptive dad said she could just have the house if she paid the mortgage? WELL BITCH SHOWS UP AND J’ACCUSES HER OF STEALING THE HOUSE FROM HIM. Which is hilarious because of all the things she stolen in this show, the house wasn’t one of them. In any case, she buys the house! And takes herself out to dinner! And has a drink! AND UH OH.

At this point the show just goes completely off the rails in addictive nonsense. Beth just goes around the house in her terrible flip wig applying makeup and barfing in to chess trophies. It’s every stereotypical drug/alcohol scene from every biopic ever except this chick doesn’t really exist and this show is wearing on my nerves and Beth has to stop making so many terrible live decisions and this wig has BETTER GET BETTER.

And then magically - Jolene shows up in the most fabulous afro wig!! WHAT! OK I WILL WATCH THE BITTER CONCLUSION OF THIS SERIES BECAUSE I LOVE JOLENE.

Episode 7: End Game

Jolene...Jolene....Jolene. Jolene. I love Jolene. I don’t love that this show uses her by making her be the “magical negro” trope who helps Beth get her life back together. Predictable nonsense! So yes, Jolene looks around Beth’s ramshackle drug den and tells her to get her life back together. AND THEN BETH DOES. No AA or rehab required! WHAT! I really appreciate that Jolene also compares her to Susan Hayward (star of Valley of the Dolls!) which is the sick burn/comparison I needed. 

The other reason Jolene showed up was to bring Beth to janitor Bill Camp’s funeral. At the funeral, which is very poorly attended, Beth reveals THAT SHE NEVER PAID BILL CAMP THAT $5 HE LENT HER (AND $10 SHE PROMISED HIM) AT THE BEGINNING OF HER CHESS CAREER. WHAT A PIECE OF SHIT. It is at this point that I fully decided that I wanted Beth to fail at everything because she is a garbage person who never gave propers to Bill Camp for changing her life for the better. THIS BITCH!! She even goes back to the orphanage where she discovers Bill Camp’s CHESS SHRINE DEVOTED TO HER! SHE FEELS LIKE SHIT AS WELL SHE SHOULD! I FULLY HATE HER!!!!

Jolene is much more forgiving of Beth than me and also introduces Beth to a new obsession: squash! Ok? It does allow Beth to wear a headband which is great wig-wise (in that it hides all the seamwork). Beth also turns down these Jesusy people who want to fund her chess trip to Russia and so Jolene GIVES HER $3,000 TO GO TO RUSSIA. IF THERE IS ANYTHING I’VE LEARNED IN THE LAST 5 MINUTES OF THIS SHOW IT IS THAT BETH WILL NOT PAY THAT MONEY BACK AND JOLENE PLEASE DO NOT!!!!

Jolene does. Beth goes to Russia which is straight out of every Bond movie and gets her shit together and wins a lot of damn chess. 

Though her midweight coat game rivals that of Nicole Kidman in The Undoing, her wig game ALSO RIVALS THAT OF NICOLE KIDMAN IN THE UNDOING IN THAT IT IS ALSO A RED NIGHTMARE WIG. This show spent so much goddamned money on clothes, sets, and CGI greenscreens of Mexico City AND YET NO MONEY FOR WIGS. BOO.

I did enjoy this one chess opponent’s walrus hair but otherwise, Beth’s flip wig has absolutely overstayed its welcome and is a compete and utter bent nightmare. Also! Remember that one hot chess dude? He shows up and helps Beth with Chess!! HUH?

Also every single weirdo in the chess community somehow form a chess calming circle in Love Actually’s bunker apartment and call Beth internationally to help her win against Borgov at chess! WHAT IN THE DAMN HELL? It is sweet I guess, but also makes ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING SENSE AS BETH WAS A TOTAL ASSHOLE TO ALL THESE PEOPLE AND DOES NOT DESERVE TO BE A PART OF THEIR WEIRD CHESS GANG.

Ultimately, Beth beats Borgov and wears THIS FUCKING HAT. I think we’re supposed to believe that she is now the white queen chess piece (I HATE THAT I NOW KNOW CHESS PIECES).

She is actually dressed in head to toe white and somehow convinces her American handler that she will just walk...to the airport? And despite being invited to the Johnson White House (girl go there!) would rather just wander the streets of Russia without any purse or luggage or way of getting home. THIS BITCH. She finds a new chess community of old men who play chess outside at folding tables and decides to join them WITHOUT GOING HOME TO PAY JOLENE ALL HER MONEY BACK WHICH IS ABSOLUTELY WHAT SHE SHOULD BE THINKING ABOUT AND ALSO MAYBE SETTING UP A BILL CAMP CHESS FOUNDATION BECAUSE YOU NEVER PAID HIM BACK YOU PIECE OF SHIT. No, she is no longer addicted to pills, alcohol, or stealing but is absolutely addicted to chess on a level that is probably lethal. I spent the last moments of the show demanding that the Russian chess hobos murder her and her immaculate white outfit because BETH IS A SELFISH ASSHOLE AND ALL HER WIGS ARE GARBAGE LIKE HER!!!!

VERDICT: DOESN’T WURQ

[discoursecatharsis]

i'm a bit out of the loop, everyone says how shitty of a human onision is there like a full list/explanation of all his crimes/shitty behavior? i already know he had a relationship with a minor so yikes

Ooh boy, it’s A Lot. He’s had a relationship with at least two minors, actually.

This person did a timeline of his abusive behavior, there’s a google doc linked in this tweet.

https://twitter.com/OnionUnprivated/status/1185209032648396800

The doc is over 100 pages though, so I’ll try to summarize as well to make it a bit shorter (though it’s still gonna be long so it’s going under a “read more”).

The tl;dr:

Basically he treated his first wife like crap, and was very creepy towards his wife’s younger sister. Divorced his wife for a 17 year old when he was ~25. Dated another women in her 20s during a break-up with this 17 year old but she caught onto his manipulative behavior quickly and dumped him after 3 weeks. He got back with the 17 (now 18) year old but they break up for good a little later. Soon after, he enters a relationship with ANOTHER 17-year-old (his current spouse, named Kai). Kai identified as a woman at the time and went by the name Lainey, but now is a transguy and goes by he/him pronouns. When Onision is 31 and Kai is 22, they enter a polyamorous relationship with an 18 year old girl.They treat her like crap, and she eventually breaks up with them. There were other girls (in their late-teens or early 20s) who came close to being in a relationship with them after that. During this time, Kai had a 16 year old “friend” who lived with them, Kai had power of attorney over her because she didn’t have a good home life. That girl has recently come forward with allegations that Greg and Kai began a sexual relationship with her shortly after she turned 18 last year, and that Kai was inappropriate with her while she was still underage. Basically they groomed her to be a third person in their relationship. Other Youtubers have come to support her and bring awareness to it to get Onision off of Youtube, some of Onision’s ex’s have come out of the woodwork with their stories, and even Chris Hansen has gotten involved.

Now onto the full list of his shitty behavior.

cw: descriptions of abusive behavior, including sexual abuse

Let’s start with his first wife, Skye:

They met in high school. I believe they’re either the same age or he’s a year older. They got married shortly after they graduated high school because he was in the military.

Onision (whose real name is Greg) left the military and started Youtube and Skye joined him in making videos together.

During their marriage, Skye said that Greg would shame her for not wearing shorts under her skirt, said that would lead to her being raped. He also insulted her for having long hair (said it made her look “Amish”). She also said that he wouldn’t let her hang out with friends or family because that’s less time/attention she’s spending with/giving him. That THEY were abusive for taking her away from her husband. He also had possession of the one phone in the house, so she shouldn’t call her family easily. He wouldn’t allow her to have a full-time job because he wanted her help making videos for the Youtube channel.

A few years into their marriage, Greg started talking to a 16 year old fan name Shiloh. They became friends and talked on Skype for hours a day. Skye begins to feel depressed.

One day out of the blue, Greg presented divorce papers to Skye and said he was leaving her for Shiloh. She was in tears, obviously upset,and he made her sign some “divorce contract.”

Skye eventually is able to visit her family, where she immediately breaks down and tells them what happened. Her sister helps her collect her things from Greg’s home. The “divorce contract” she signed was later thrown out in court because it was signed under duress.

After they divorce, Skye rightfully demands alimony. The courts grant her this. For YEARS after though, Greg emails her, complaining and begging her to bring a stop to the payments. He even threatens to take his life at one point. She ignores him and he continued paying (though with complaints and accusing her of being equivalent to a slave owner and a lot of other dumb crap).

While that was going on, there were also some incidents with Skye’s younger sister, Alicia.

Alicia alleges that when she was 15 and Greg was 18, she got drunk and Greg tried to kiss her. She dodged him and walked away to a friend. For years though, Greg had told a story in videos that she tired to kiss HIM and he acted like he was so noble for dodging HER kiss.

After divorcing Skye, Greg emailed Alicia constantly asking her to film videos together. Very clearly coming onto her though and wanting to hook up. He got so bad, she eventually lied to him and told him she was leaving the country so that he’d leave her alone and stop messaging her.

She had taken some boudoir (nude) photos that Onision searched out and found online. He saved them to his computer and showed these photos to at least two future girlfriends and admitted to pleasuring himself to the photos. Alicia was understandably creeped out by this when she found out.

Now back to that 16-year-old, Shiloh

She’s 17 at this point. Onision is about 25. She thought she had just been speaking to Onision as friends, so she was blindsided when he showed her divorce papers over Skype and said “I’m leaving my wife for you.”

She’s from Canada and was a pretty successful up-and-coming pop star up there at the time. She’s in the states for a show or something, and he drives to meet her. He goes to her hotel and they immediately have sex, she said that he didn’t even give her time to say “hey how was your trip?”

They enter a relationship quickly. There’s a lot that happens, as Shiloh has recently reappeared online and given her side of events. Basically, like Skye, he also isolated her from family and friends. Made her drop her singing career to help with his Youtube channel.

She said that Greg is very sexual and they would be intimate a lot. She said they’d have sex multiple times a day and that he’s very rough. He would hurt her during these times, and since this was her first sexual relationship, she didn’t realize that it wasn’t normal, and apparently he never checked in on her or never asked her if she was okay with the things they did. One time during sex, he stopped, took her to the bathroom and shaved her head without her consent, called her some degrading names, and then continued. She found this very humiliating and de-feminizing.

She has a seizure one day and loses a bit of her memory. She’s frightened and doesn’t know where she is. Instead of calling 911 for an ambulance, Onision films it and uploads it to his channel.

She has another breakdown at some point and ends up in the mental ward of a hospital. He doesn’t come to get her, her mom does. She went back to him for some reason.

She gets pregnant and suffers a miscarriage. The fetus never passed though, and she gets sepsis a few weeks later. Greg never cared, straight-up told her that he wasn’t going to pay for the medical bills. She goes home to Canada to get medical treatment, and her mom takes her passport to prevent her from going back to him.

She’s bullied online by Onision’s fans and disappears from the internet for years afterwards. She’s only recently begun to have a singing career again.

Next is a woman named Adrienne:

First, she wrote a letter about everything she went through if you want to read it, it’s a doozy but I’ll summarize it in bullet points cause it’s long. https://onisiondrama.tumblr.com/letter

This relationship happened during/in-between one of Greg’s break-ups with Shiloh.

Adrienne is in her 20s, closer to Greg’s age, maybe just a year younger. Also a fan of his that starts talking to him. He expresses interests in her and they start dating.

Long story short, Adrienne eventually realizes that Greg is crazy obsessive. He gets annoyed if she doesn’t answer his Skype calls or if she hangs out with friends too much.

She agrees to meet him in person anyway. He flies down to her state, and again just like with Shiloh, immediately initiates sex as soon as they get into the hotel room. There are questions of if he forced himself on her, because she said “no, no, no” but he continued. He even came in her when she said not too, and bought her plan B the next day.

He was very adamant about her moving in with him. He pressured her into quitting her job and re-homing her pets, which she was hesitant about. She agrees though and moves in with him.

Moves in very briefly though, as he throws a tantrum because she wasn’t paying attention to him or something. She catches on to his controlling behavior and leaves and breaks up with him for good.

He goes onto his Youtube channel and slanders her, and also leaves like 13 voice mails on her phone while she was at work.

All of this happened in the span of like 3 weeks, mind you.

Many believe the reason this relationship was so short-lived is because, with Adrienne being older, she didn’t fall for his abusive, manipulative tactics as easily and had more knowledge and confidence to leave him before things got bad. Notice this is the only relationship Greg enters where the partner is NOT in their teens at the start.

Next up is Laineybot/Kai, also now his accomplice in these crimes. Just this year, Kai came out of trans and uses he/him pronouns now. But when Kai first entered the picture, he went by the name Lainey (with the Youtube channel/name Laineybot) with she/her pronouns. During his transition, he also identified as nonbinary at one point and went by they/them pronouns. So excuse me if I make any mistakes and accidentally misgender at times when referring to Kai in past incidents.

Onision started talking to and dating Kai when he was 17. Like his other relationships, Kai was a fan of his. Kai’s family didn’t approve of their relationship.

Kai graduated high school and his parents sent him to college to live in a dorm… or so they thought. Kai went behind their backs and moved in with Greg (who had moved down to Kai’s state).

Shortly after Kai turned 18, they got married in court. Kai moved up to Greg’s state with him.

Kai got pregnant very soon after. They have two kids now. With the second pregnancy, Kai said that Greg wasn’t very enthusiastic and I believe Kai drove himself to the hospital when he was in labor. Some husband Greg is.

Greg also would get into frequent fights on Twitter with Kai. Example: Kai once made a tweet talking about a fun memory he had with his mom. Greg jumped in to say “your mom also did (bad thing) to you.” Kai told him to stop and he didn’t. In the public eye on twitter, so damn childish to shame your spouse’s parents and not stop when asked.

Kai is also complicit in grooming allegations that I haven’t gotten to yet. So Kai is just as bad if not worse than Greg, but also a victim of his too too. I personally believe he wouldn’t be like this if he had never met Greg. It’s too late now though.

Next in line is Billie. When Kai was still trying to figure out his identity and was switching between identifying as a woman and non-binary (and still going by Lainey at this time), Kai expressed wanting a girlfriend, which Greg supported. In comes a girl named Billie.

Billie is a newly 18-year-old Instagram model. Onision is 31 at this point and Kai is 22.

Basically Billie started as a girlfriend for Kai, but Greg weaseled his way into their relationship.

It was really gross how Greg would talk about how “beautiful” it was for “two women to make love” too (keep in mind, Kai’s experiencing dysphoria and has doubts about identifying as a women at this point, so I’m sure that’s nice to hear from your husband /s). He has this clear obsession with threesomes and polyamorous relationships, specifically f/m/f. It’s obvious that the dude just wants a harem of attractive women at his beck-and-call and doesn’t really care about his spouse exploring their sexuality.

Lots of ups and downs with Billie. Basically I think they had an agreement that they would only do intimate things together with all 3 of them. But at one point Kai leaves to run errands or visit family or something and Greg and Billie sleep together. Kai is furious but blames Billie instead of, y’know, his husband, as if it doesn’t take two to tango.

They blamed Billie a lot for being a homewrecker. Never blamed the much older responsible adult Greg, no, they blame the 18 year old.

Greg almost leaves Kai for Billie. Kai is pregnant with their 2nd kid at this point, and Greg literally almost signs over his kids to leave Kai for an 18 year old. Billie had enough though and left for good.

Billie smoked weed and Greg didn’t like that and shamed her for it. Apparently Billie smoking weed betrayed Greg and Kai’s trust, and Greg wanted Billie to be punished for it by… being tied up in his basement (”because it’d be hot” he said), shaving her head, and getting a tattoo as an “apology.” She declined and he shamed her for it.

Another reason Billie left them is because Greg wouldn’t allow her to see her family when she wanted. Greg tried to justify this by saying “Lainey only sees her family twice a year.” Another example of how isolating he is.

After breaking up for good, Billie called Greg “the worst person I’ve ever met,” Greg went on twitter and revealed very personal information about Billie, something an ex did to her. Billie was distraught as you can imagine, that her personal info was made public for all of twitter.

Next is Sarah. Sarah is the victim of the grooming accusations. She’s the person who first came out with all this a couple months ago and got the ball rolling.

Sarah was 14 when she started talking to Kai (who was going Lainey at the time). Just a fan who reached out and they became friends.

Sarah didn’t have a good home life, and expressed this to Kai. Kai invited Sarah to live with him and Greg. She accepted the invited and Sarah moved in with them. Her mom signed over “power of attorney” to Kai (so that Kai could take her to a doctor and stuff). Sarah was 16 at this time.

Sarah was around during the relationship with Billie, just to help with the timeline.

Outwardly Sarah appeared to just be friends with Greg and Kai, but recently she revealed things were not on Just Friend levels.

Sarah alleges that she and Kai would cuddle in bed together. Kai also spoke to Sarah sexually too, like telling her about how Greg was like in bed. As a 22-year-old, you do NOT discuss that stuff with your 16-year-old friend, that’s so inappropriate.

The biggest allegation: while she was still underage, Sarah and Kai  exchanged nudes. THIS is where the possible criminal charges come in, because Kai very well could go to jail for possession of child porn.

Greg was always cruel to Sarah when she was 16/17. It’s clear in videos when they had outings to like a trampoline/gymnastics place that he would bully her. He says that he treats teenagers badly so that they “won’t like him like that” but it’s really freakin’ weird. As an adult, you should be able to interact with teens WITHOUT bullying them “so they don’t fall in love with you” (? or something) wtf?? If a teen expresses interest in you, you shut that down, it’s not that hard, you don’t have to bully them and make them hate you.

When things were going south with Billie, Sarah said that at one point Greg said to Kai “why don’t we just wait for Sarah (to turn 18)?”

Sarah says that after she turned 18, they did start being sexual with her. Onision is 33 and Kai is 24 at that point. The three of them were watching a movie one night, when Sarah looked over and saw Greg and Kai having sex. Greg asked Sarah to join them, and she did because she felt pressured. 

They continued being sexual with her. She and Greg were intimate together, just the two of them at one point when Kai was out of town.

Sarah released a screenshot of a conversation between Greg and Kai where they were arguing over Sarah’s virginity (it’s so gross ugh)

The allegations first came out much earlier this year, from a friend of Billie’s who witnessed Sarah’s interactions in the home and felt something wasn’t right. Greg forced Sarah to release a video statement saying that the allegations were bogus and that Kai is innocent. That was back in like January or February. Recently Sarah released a “blooper” of her filming that statement where she was crying and saying she hated that she had to do this as more evidence that she was forced, along with texts of Greg instructing her on what to say.

Sarah hasn’t released much more details than that, but it’s clear that they groomed her so that they could engage in a sexual relationship with her as soon as they were legally able too.

And that only covers the major people in Onision’s life. There were other teenagers  also. To put it shortly, there were girls who were mainly texting Kai, almost like Kai was luring them in as “candidates” to be the 3rd person in their relationship. Lots of teenagers (mostly 17-19 year olds, maybe one 20 year old) that Kai more-or-less led on into being a relationship with just him, only for the teens to be blindsided with “btw, Greg gets in on the relationship too.” And Greg did indeed worm his way in, either through DMs or physically. Very skeevy. One of these people named Regina also exchanged nudes with Kai when they were underage. I believe they’re pursuing legal charges for that. Sarah said there are other girls who were never made public also. Greg may not be able to be charged with any crimes here, as he’s always very careful to skirt the law.

Outside of relationship troubles, he’s just a shitty, greedy person.

He treats his pets badly. A former friend took his guinea pigs because he wasn’t taking proper care of them. They get new dogs as if they’re fashion accessories.

Apparently he’s an awful father too and Kai does most of the parenting. People in their life have said that Greg doesn’t even talk to his youngest kid because she can’t speak back to him… she’s freakin’ TWO. She’s a toddler, ofc she can’t talk, how do you expect them to learn to talk if you don’t talk to them?

He’s very money-hungry. Youtube’s adpocalypse really did a number on them, but they were living WAY above their means. Had this mansion of a house, a second house that he used for filming, two teslas, and lots of expensive crap. They had to “downgrade” to a slightly smaller mansion and self the second house and sell the teslas (he recently bought another one though). During this time, he basically guilt-tripped his audience for not giving him money, said that fans who didn’t pledge to his Patreon weren’t “true fans.”

Dude is a really shitty person all around. He’s had this coming and I really hope this is finally his downfall. I first heard of him during the Shiloh incident and a little into his marriage to Kai, then he dropped off my radar until the Billie incident and I was like “how is this guy still around and still allowed to treat people like this?!” and have been following this train wreck ever since.

[arcanesupern0va]

Rick In The Water - Prologue

Summary: You were best friends with Beth as kids, meaning you knew her family and you developed a crush on her dad. When he left, you picked up the pieces of yourself and Beth, helping her and Jerry raise Summer. Flash forward fifteen years and Rick's back, and you're married to a shitty guy and since Rick isn't a fucking idiot he sees it right away, and despite the conclusion you came to to save yourself the heartache of his leaving, he cares. A lot. (I'm terrible at summaries.) CONTENT WARNING: I'm not kidding when I say you have a shitty husband. There are descriptions of abuse in this fic and I don't want to upset anyone so if that's something that upsets you, please proceed with caution.

A/N: So I posted this on ao3 originally so that’s why there’s an actual freaking prologue and what not. XD I’m posting here so I can hopefully get a little more exposure because I am desperate for validation. CW: Abusive husband af all chapters will be under a read more ^^ Pairing: Rick Sanchez/Reader Word Count: 1569 (don’t worry, this is the only short one.)

My ao3

Masterlist

I’d known Rick since I was a little girl. He very rarely paid me any mind, but I would see him stalk over to the refrigerator to grab a beer out and I couldn’t help but watch him intently. I had always been fascinated by him. The way his hair looked, how he knew so many multiple syllable words… I was infatuated. I was also 12 at the time and Rick was my best friend’s father. I was barely old enough to understand the feelings I had for the much older man. As I got older, I wrote it off as being awestruck. It happened to a lot of my friends, Beth even had a crush on our 7th-grade math teacher. Nothing ever came of it; it was nothing more than a crush.

Calling it a crush didn’t, however, explain the soul-crushing heartbreak that I experienced when he left. I tried to be supportive of Beth; I told myself I was as sad as I was because I could see it hurting my best friend, but my whole entire world had come crashing down. Summer had just been born and one day, he was just gone. I knew Beth blamed herself for “ruining” everything by resigning to have Summer. Whatever awestruck, schoolgirl crush I had brewing for him all but evaporated in the months after that and I went years with only rare moments of reminiscing with Beth that I would even think of her father. Her mother disappeared not long after Rick, having told Beth she needed to find Rick and bring him home.

She never came back either.

Beth, Jerry, and I actively raised Summer during her youngest years. Beth was adamant about making it through veterinary school and while I did work nights, I was there during the days and my nights off helping Jerry take care of the small human he and my friend created. Once Beth graduated, it was my turn to do something with my life. More than likely inspired by repressed memories of the man that left us, I found myself interested in mixing chemicals and making fantastic creations with them. As I hadn’t had time to go get a bachelors and a couple of PhDs, I settled for beauty school. It was minuscule in comparison to some of the things I’d seen Rick be capable of, but it satiated  that need I had to emulate things I’d seen him do.

You might be wondering right now, why I was so inspired by my best friend’s dad, as opposed to say, my own family. To put it bluntly, they weren’t the greatest kind of people. My father was abusive and my mother did little to stop this. My only reprieve was they were ecstatic to have me out of the house for days at a time. Beth’s mom seemed to understand this and maybe even see past the paper-thin lies I’d feed her about why I didn’t want to go home. They welcomed me graciously into their home, allowing me to stay as long as I needed, no questions asked. In one act of begrudging kindness, Rick relocated his work out into the garage. He mumbled something about how it’d probably be safer to have it outside of the main structure of the house, but I could see the sadness and pity in his eyes whenever he looked at me. Beth’s mom found some furniture and before I even knew it, I had a room in my best friend’s house that was completely my own. No one to come barging in unexpectedly screaming about a minor inconvenience that didn’t even involve me. I would go weeks without going “home”. My ‘parents’ barely even noticed. In the weeks leading up to me turning eighteen, I slowly started moving things that had sentimental value to Beth’s place, my new home, and on my eighteenth birthday, I said goodbye and never looked back.

Jumping forward again, shortly after I graduated from beauty school, I met a man named Ryan Dawes. He was five years older than me and a lawyer. He was kind to me and he always knew what he wanted and I was the object of his affection. I fell hard and fast and before I knew it, we were planning baby showers and a small intimate wedding. Jerry loved Ryan but Beth had always been apprehensive of him. I ignored it, telling myself she was just jealous that she wouldn’t have me at her beck and call all the time. I never came out and said this to her, but it was a thought that tickled my subconscious and caused a rift between the two of us for the longest time. Still, Ryan helped me buy the house to the left of Beth’s, cementing us central figures in each other’s lives. My daughter Madison was born and I was overjoyed. I loved her little face so much and I treasured every moment with her.

Shortly after she was born, my life seemed to be slipping out of my hands. I was suffering from a particularly nasty bout of postpartum depression and it was driving me away from my family. That was the first time Ryan ever got violent with me. I had dragged Beth out for a night of binge drinking when Madison was 3. I wanted to relive the better years of my life when we didn’t have so many looming responsibilities and we were young and free. When I came home completely plastered, Ryan was livid. He berated me for leaving him home alone with Madison while I was off galavanting with God knows who. I tried to tell him that I was just out with Beth and something about my tone warranted a heavy-handed backhand that knocked me to the ground. He began blaming me for making him do that because sometimes I just made him so mad. I apologized profusely at the time, telling him I would fix everything if he’d still have me. Looking back now, I’m disgusted with myself for valuing myself so lowly but I was in a very dark place. He promised he’d never do it again, finally apologizing after hours of listening to me sobbing..

He lied.

The next thirteen years of my life were a personal hell. As I’ve stated, he lied, and he lied hard. We kept up appearances in the neighborhood and for Beth and Jerry but at home, privately, he became a monster. Everything was my fault. I was the reason his meetings with clients would go awry. I would have made some passive aggression that he would carry through the day and wouldn’t be able to focus. He would push me around, knocking me into furniture and leaving me to cry for hours wondering how I’d left my life get this bad. I couldn’t talk to Beth about it, she was having her own marital strife with Jerry. She didn’t need my drama. I’d been here before though, except then I had the option of just disappearing. Ryan always needed to know where I was at all hours of the day.

One afternoon, during a particularly nasty fight, Beth knocked on the door, a hurried version of her identifying knock we’d made up as kids. Ryan relented, recognizing it was a neighbor who didn’t need to see our personal issues gesturing aggressively to the door and I hurried over to answer it. I was shocked to see a teary-eyed Beth smiling widely at me.

“He’s home. Dad came home” was all she said before grabbing my hand and dragging me to her house. I turned apologetically to Ryan, knowing that I would have to pay for this transgression later. I couldn’t believe my eyes when we came around the side of her garage. There he stood, looking disgruntled as ever.

Rick.

“Oh hey Nova,” he greeted me with the childhood nickname that had taken precedence over my legal name. I could feel tears welling up in my own eyes and I fought every urge I had to wrap my arms around the tall, lanky man standing in the driveway with me. My urge was quelled as I saw Ryan pop around the garage to investigate my disappearance.

“Honey…. Who’s this?” he asked evenly, looking Rick up and down. I quickly explained to him who he was and his smile relaxed as though any line of threat had been extinguished. He shook his hand sharply, Rick eyeing the man up and down as he introduced himself. His eyes flicked back to me and I could have sworn I saw a flicker of concern in his pale, tired eyes.

That night as I lay in bed, I couldn’t help but think about Rick. I was still completely and utterly shocked that he had returned. He barely looked any different than the day he left though. I would soon come to discover that this was a result of his interdimensional traveling. There were unlimited possibilities open to him and he would later explain his absence with them. It also would explain how a seventy-year-old man could look like he was barely passed his thirties. “Alien technology” was the only explanation that I got for that, but it made my heart rush. Regardless of whatever schoolgirl crush, I’d had on the man, that was gone out of the window, replaced instead by a legitimate lust.

+Ch1: Second Chance+

[the-gay-cryptid]

On Religion

As some of you know, I attend a catholic school and have done so since I was the tender, gullible, impressionable age of 5. I was also, of course, raised catholic. Which, for those of you spared the experience, should know means “I grew up catholic but hated it and I’m still not comfortable outright saying I’m not anymore because I feel guilty.”

I don’t often talk about religion here, but I’ve been rereading The Poison Wood Bible for school (fantastic book by the way, easily one of my favorites I’ve ever read) and it’s really stirs up my emotions surrounding my own religious upbringing, so here we go.

Until I was in the fifth grade, I had no idea religions outside of Christian, Jewish, and Muslim existed. I was also taught that Muslims were savage, oppressive, violent people and the all Muslims wanted to kill everyone who wasn’t Muslim. So. Just to give you perspective. I was also led to believe that Jewish people weren’t as bad, but they were just misguided and stuck in the past.

Around seventh grade, I began to suspect I was gay. Thankfully I’d become somewhat desensitized to that good old catholic guilt by having it beat into my very being since before I comprehended object permanence. But I didn’t want God to hate me, so I decided I had a crush on this boy. He was nice to me and we liked the same shows and he had a smart ass sort of attitude towards the less mature boys that I appreciated. So obviously since I enjoyed this boy’s company I must’ve liked him.

But I was still curious about my sexuality in relation to my religion. So I took every opportunity to ask about it in “religion” class. Despite the name, we only talked about The One True Religion. I got different answers depending on which teacher I asked.

Senora Baskin, our Spanish teacher who spoke shitty Spanish and was obsessed with Mexican culture and said it saved her from getting an abortion, told me that the pope said being gay wasn’t a sin, just being in a gay relationship. So I could be gay, but I could never date, get married, or even kiss a girl.

Mrs. Shaver said that gays go to hell. She also told a kid whose dog had died that all dogs go to hell because animals don’t have souls. She also told me I’d go to hell for listening to music with cuss words in it. Imagine that: a class of kids going through their edgy phase, listening to MCR and other punk bands of varying quality being told they were going to hell. I didn’t much value Mrs. Shaver’s opinions anyway.

Mr. Miller sort of stuttered a moment, then told me that he wasn’t actually allowed to talk about that. That’s when I learned catholic schools usually don’t talk about the shit the church is against. We don’t get to debate gay marriage, abortions, or the death penalty. We are not supposed to think critically or form our own opinions, because the opinions of a higher organization should replace our own feelings.

I eventually asked my mom. She told me about a gay couple she was friends with. They were married, but not in the eyes of the church. So any time they had sex, they had to go to confession and apologize for sex outside of wedlock. I didn’t like that solution either.

In eighth grade i sort of just shrugged and said “well. Guess I’m gay then.” I made an effort to bring it up in class more. Gay rights, not being gay. I’d never tell anyone, that would be horrible! I did come out to a few of my close friends, mainly because i realized I really wanted to kiss my best friend.

Freshman year, my religion problem amped itself up. The rhetoric was all the same. I was hearing the same lessons over and over and over again. I’d heard the same things since I was five, just in increasingly complex terms. I finally admitted my serious issues with my religion. My mom told me I didn’t have to be Catholic. I could be Baptist, Presbyterian, Episcopalian, Jewish, even Muslim. I just couldn’t be polytheistic or Mormon. I decided that it wasn’t worth fighting about and didn’t bother telling her I wasn’t sure I believed in an anything. The only thing that would hurt her more than me not being christian, would be me being an atheist.

Religion had been important to her when she was little. She’d been bullied mercilessly, abused by her older brother, had a rocky relationship with her step father. On church retreats, she found camaraderie and comfort. It’s where she met her best friend. They’re still friends, and seeing them together they might as well still be stupid teenagers who don’t need anything but each other.

Sophomore year, I came out to my whole family as gay. It was good. I also met the best religion teacher ever: Mrs. Khouzam. She is, to this day, one of my favorite teachers I’ve ever had. There was Mrs. Rae, who lent me more mature books and encouraged my love of writing, and Mrs. Fava, who taught me that I was allowed to have any opinion I wanted, but it had to be backed by facts rather than a person’s skin or the opinions of my parents. Mrs. Khouzam loved God unconditionally. And she loved us.

She was the Mother Mary incarnate, and I loved her with my whole heart. She reminded me of the paintings of women who cradled ragged men like their children. She just exudes mother. Because of her, I began to love my religion again.

Then junior year that was ruined.

Mrs. Langomez was a short, stout woman from the Philippines who spoke too softly and disregarded our opinions with a quiet reminder of Jesus. We wrote journal reflections in her class, and I’d long since abandoned giving the vague “I love Jesus” shit for opinion questions on my work. I told her out right that I had serious issues with Catholicism and that I was gay. She only wrote on my paper that she glad my family accepted me.

Then it went to absolute shit. I sat in my desk on the front row and watched this woman I had only rolled my eyes at and joked about with my classmates give a 40 minute power point presentation on why homosexuality was a sin. She described how god designed men and women to love each other, and since gays couldn’t procreate in the normal way, they were incapable of real love. Being gay damaged one’s soul and relationship with god. She said there were special religious retreats for gay people to strengthen their relationship with god and overcome their gay urges. 

I was..horrified. Humiliated. Furious. Hurt. I just sat there, staring at the board with my fists and jaw clenched. I glared at her. I ignored her as I left. My classmates snickered at how stupid she was. I joked that I wanted to punch her and we laughed. It was their quiet way of saying they didn’t agree with her.

I shook the whole way to lunch and explained what had happened to the lower class men I ate with. And like a dam breaking, I felt that horrible weight in my chest. I grabbed a friend’s water bottle, trying to drown my crying before it could rise. I shook and shuddered and bit my lip and tried everything I could to stay steady. A few classmates sat with me and held my shoulders and told me Langomez was stupid. I admitted it was the first time I’d ever faced someone who so clearly hated me on the basis of my sexuality.

I couldn’t stand to stay there, so I left for the office with my backpack and told them I needed to go home. I’d already texted my dad. The principal saw me crying and asked if something had happened. Mrs. Langomez stood at the printer, half watching this. I told the principal I was fine and just needed to go.

I cried the whole way home. My mom called the principal and told her why I’d been so upset. I sent her an email later that night, explaining in better words than I’d be able to say, that it had been gut wrenching to sit somewhere I’d thought was safe, and be told in textbook language that I was a sinner and a perversion and incapable of love. I was promised an apology from Langomez that I never got.

It’s true that there are Catholics like Mrs. Khouzam. People who love unconditionally. But there are Langomez too. Hateful people. And they don’t all yell and scream. Sometimes they’re quiet and passive aggressive and pity you for being gay. And I couldn’t let that go. I was tired of the conflicting rhetoric. I was exhausted of grappling with god.

So senior year came. Langomez had moved to Japan with her husband in the military. My current teacher is a young woman who graduated from my high school in 2013. I don’t ever hide my sexuality. The whole school knows. We don’t talk about homosexuality in her class, because senior year theology is about vocations.

But I stopped taking communion. It felt horrible to cross my arms over my chest after so many years of cupping them in front of me. I nearly had an anxiety attack as I walked down the aisle. I imagined god striking me down then and there.

I only tell people I was raised catholic now. I once told my current theology teacher that my relationship with Catholicism felt like an abusive one. I was dragged up and down. I was shamed and ridiculed. I was dismissed and ignored. I don’t give a damn if not all Catholics are like that. I’m done having to take that gamble every time I meet one.

I’m not an atheist at least, which makes my mom happy. I believe in a Something. Maybe a polytheistic Something. I’ll figure it out when I’m somewhere I can learn it outside the context of catholic propaganda.

[ilovemygaydad]

No One [part 1]

from the friends in dark places au

pairing: toxic roman/oc

summary: someone from school makes an insensitive joke that sends Roman spiraling into some old memories of past trauma

WARNINGS: (none of the sexual elements are explicit, merely mentioned and implied) non-consentual sex, sexual assault, date rape drugs, drug usage, implied underage sex, blackmail (in the form of cp), transphobia, transphobic slurs, forced coming out, misgendering, food mentions, rebellious behavior, insensitive comments, crying, physical assault, PTSD, and possibly something else

tag list: @hufflepuffgirl01 @cocobearthe4th @cas-is-a-hunter @band-be-boss-blog @theunoriginaldaisy

a/n: jsyk, it’s totally okay to ask for a modified chapter if you need it or if i need to add tags! i get it, and it’s no problem for me to quick edit a chapter or whatever :) also, feel free to send requests or questions that you have!

a/n 2: hey so this story is super dark and shitty, so please read with caution! i’m happy to summarize for anyone who needs it!!!

first of main plot - companions

consider buying me a coffee (please)

-

October 19, 2016

Roman shut the door to the practice room silently. He knew each nook of the choir room, including which doors were particularly loud. His back hit the door with a soft thud, and his tears softly dropped onto the carpeted floor. He slid to the ground and let out a choked sob.

Luke. Luke knew that what he said was terrible and awful.

“You could pat Roman Patrick on the head, and he’d accuse you of sexual assault.”

“Ro? Mrs. Taylor told me that you’re in here… Are you okay?” Patton’s muffled voice asked from the other side of the door.

“I’m fantastic, Patton! I just needed a few minutes of quiet before I tried to traverse the parking lot to grab my costume from Hannah’s car.” Roman tried to insert as much of his normal flare into his speech, but he knew that it fell flat.

“Roman, let me in.”

The crying teen begrudgingly stood up and flung the door open. A worried Patton stood opposite him, and Roman was well aware that his puffy eyes and wet cheeks did nothing but make his friend more upset. He sighed, gesturing for Patton to come inside.

After the door was closed, Patton spoke up again; his voice was very quiet. “Was it Luke?”

“Yeah,” Roman admitted.

“What did he say?”

“‘You could pat Roman Patrick on the head, and he’d accuse you of sexual assault.’”

Patton paced the small room. “That douchebag! Are you fucking kidding me? He can try to ruin my life, sure, but making fun of your abuse in front of you when he knows how easily it triggers you is just too far!”

“Patton, it’s fine—“

“No, it isn’t!” Pat cried, throwing his arms out in fury. “It’s terrible! He knows what happened to you, and he is in no place to be talking about falsely accused sexual assault!”

“It’s in the past…”

---

June, 2014

Roman quietly slid through his cabin’s window into the quiet night. He normally wasn’t one for this level of rule-breaking, but he was in love! He’d do almost anything for Ethan, and that meant a lot.

Two of his fingers were kept over the head of his flashlight as he made his way to the pier, only allowing a small sliver of light to shine out so that he could avoid twigs. Roman was so excited to have found someone who liked him back that he didn’t care about the consequences. He was going to be a freshman, after all, so it would make sense to begin to have relationships, right? Ethan was kind, caring, and funny—everything Roman wanted in a guy.

“Roman! Oh, good. I thought you weren’t going to show up,” Ethan whispered, a smile creeping on his face.

“Of course I’m here! What do you think of me? I’d never leave you hanging, dearest.” Roman gave Ethan a deep kiss. When they pulled apart, Ethan held up a finger to signify for Roman to wait, bringing a tiny thermos from behind his back.

“Salted caramel hot chocolate. I know how much you said you like caramel.” He passed it over, untwisting the lid as he moved. Roman took a huge sip, the cold of outside already sleeping through his pajama pants and shirt.

Ro coughed at the intense salty flavor. “Jeez, E, that’s really fucking salty. Good thing I’m really cold, or this would completely go to waste.”

Ethan smiled brightly, though Roman couldn’t quite place the emotion he got from it. They chatted for about twenty minutes before Roman began to sway on his feet. He was so tired and dizzy. He blinked a few times, shaking his head to try to collect himself.

“I, uh… I think… I think I’m gonna…” Roman mumbled, trying to get the slurred words he was thinking out of his mouth. He couldn’t seem to control his movements, and not a second later, he felt the hard ground hit his side. The last thing that Roman saw was Ethan’s evil smile as he drifted off to sleep.

---

Roman woke up with a foggy mind. What had happened last night? He remembered going to meet Ethan and drinking hot chocolate and then… Nothing. He couldn’t remember a single thing that’d happened.

The teen blinked a few times, trying to make some sense of his surroundings. They were bright, that much was obvious, and he was still wearing his binder. Someone stepped up to him, gently placing a hand on his arm. He flinched back from the touch. He didn’t know why, but he didn’t want anyone touching him.

“Hey, sweetheart, I’m sorry. It’s Nurse Elizabeth. A few campers found you by the pier drugged to hell in just boxers and a t-shirt, and from the looks of the campsite, I think you were sexually assaulted last night,” said the young woman in front of him, frowning deeply.

Roman wanted to throw up. Ethan had used him. Someone he thought he could trust. Someone he loved. And Ethan probably knew his secret, too. Oh, god.

“Hey! It’ll be okay. Just get some rest. You can answer questions later.” Elizabeth made her way to the door of the infirmary, turning at the door. “Someone’s been waiting to see you since the news got out. Would you like me to let him in?” Roman nodded half-heartedly. He heard a person greet the nurse before heading over. Ro didn’t look up to see who it was, preferring to pick at his fingernails instead.

A rough hand clasped at his face and ripped his gaze up. A muffled scream escaped Roman’s mouth as he locked eyes with Ethan, who had intense fire in his eyes. “You’d better not tell a soul that it was me, or your little secret will be let out, tranny whore!” Roman fought against Ethan’s grasp, but he was still too weak from being drugged. “I hope I’ve made myself clear. If I hear a word about this little exchange, either, I have some pretty outing evidence to show the camp. You’re my bitch now, Patrick.”

Ethan tore his hand away from Roman’s face and stormed out of the infirmary, leaving a panicked Roman in the bed. Oh no. This was worse than he’d thought. He had two options: he could tell everything to Elizabeth and subsequently be outed as trans to everyone in the camp, or he could do whatever Ethan said and keep his gender identity a secret. Neither was good. Roman shoved his face into the thin pillow and cried himself back to sleep. Maybe he could wake up from this nightmare.

---

January, 2008

Roman toyed with his hands a few times before stepping courageously into his parents’ office. He could do this. He swung his ponytail over his shoulder and adjusted his cargo shorts and T-shirt.

His mom was the first to notice his appearance. “Oh, Rosie! What happened to your dress?”

“She’s just changed, honey. She probably didn’t want to wear it anymore,” his father said, typing away at his computer.

“I wanted to talk to you and Mom about something important, Daddy. I… I, uh… Never mind, it’s stupid.” Roman turned back and started out of the office, but his mom stopped him mid-step.

“Rosalina, you can tell us anything; you know that. What’s wrong, honey?” Mrs. Patrick clicked her laptop closed and prompted her husband to do the same. Slowly, Roman turned to them; the sound of his sneakers squeaking on the wood floor was the only noise for a few moments.

“I’m a boy!” Roman blurted out. “I don’t want you to call me a girl anymore. I want to be called Roman, not Rosalina or Rosie. And more importantly,” Roman pulled a pair of kitchen shears from one of his many pockets and raised them, hacking his entire ponytail off and letting it fall to the floor. “I don’t want to look like a girl anymore. I am a prince, not a princess.”

His parents sat with astonished looks on their faces. Oh, Roman had messed up. He had taken his dramatics too far for once. His parents were going to be angry at him, and he’d never be called what he was. He’d be Rosalina forever.

“Alright, Roman. Welcome to the family.” His mother smiled brightly at him. There was no malice in her eyes, nor in his father’s.

“You know, Ro, I’ve always wanted a son. And you’re strong; you’ll be so good in the boy’s gymnastics league.” Mr. Patrick stood and scooped his son into his arms, hugging him tightly.

Thus, Roman Patrick had been born.

---

Roman had been so excited to go in to school on Monday to tell everyone that he was a boy and that his name was Roman. He was practically bouncing out of his seatbelt on the ride there. He ran into the school, barely saying goodbye to his mom, and skidded into his second grade classroom.

“Good morning, Rosie! How are you doing?” Mrs. Zander, the second grade teacher, greeted warmly.

“Actually, my name is Roman now, and I’m a boy!” Roman sat in his normal seat, but taped a piece of paper with “Roman” drawn on it in red crayon over his “Rosie” nameplate. Mrs. Zander looked at him, confused, but nodded. She went to her phone and made a few calls, looking quite serious, before going to everything in the room with “Rosie” on it and replacing them with a “Roman” label.

Students began to file in, many commenting on Ro’s new short haircut, to which he’d always respond, “I’m Roman now ‘cause I’m a boy!”

They looked at him as if he’d grown another head, but moved on without further comment. With each child, Roman’s enthusiasm lessened until he finally just gave up. Mrs. Zander made an announcement about Roman, and the kids just laughed. They got scolded, sure, but that didn’t actually stop them.

“Look at Rosie just wanting to get closer to the boys!”

“Rosie you can’t just decide to be a boy! You’re always gonna be a girl!”

“I don’t want to be friends with you anymore, Rosie. You’re a liar!”

The harmful comments continued for weeks. Finally, Roman couldn’t handle any more, and he begged his parents to take him out of school. Within a few days, they’d transferred him into an elementary school an hour away and moved into a temporary apartment nearby.

Roman walked into his new school nervously, taking his time to get to his new locker. It was nearly five minutes before he finally entered his new classroom.

“You’re new here, aren’t you?” a student asked. He wore a black polo and thick-rimmed glasses. It was the textbook nerd look.

“Um, yeah. I’m Roman,” he replied. Then, as if to clarify, he said, “I’m a boy.”

“Alright. My name is Logan, and I am also a boy. It’s a pleasure to make your acquaintance.” And then Logan walked off.

(Roman totally had a crush on the nerdy second grader, but he wouldn’t realize it for a long, long time.)

The rest of the day went by smoothly. Correct name and pronoun usage by everyone and new friends left and right. It was amazing! He didn’t get the opportunity to talk to Logan any more that day, and little did he know that he’d become too intimidated by the cute boy to talk to him, but he was still grateful for his first “friend.”

---

Summer, 2014

Roman spent two more months bending to Ethan’s every whim to protect his skin. It didn’t feel much like protection, though. He was disgusted with himself, but he couldn’t go through the rejection and hatred that followed telling people that he’s transgender.

Slowly, he withdrew from most of his camp friends. It started with not allowing them to touch him, and then simply not talking to them. Each time Ethan’s fingers found their way across Roman’s bare skin, he felt like throwing up.

It’s better this way, he told himself.

It wasn’t.

No one found out. No one ever knew. No one felt the pain.

No one except Roman.

part 2

[mariantoina]

thoughts on t*sp

look. at first i told myself that i wasn’t gonna watch this show, and then the very next day it got leaked so i was like “you know what? im gonna watch it anyway!” and thats the worst decision that ive ever made in my life because this show was... bad. could it have been worse? definitely, given the fact that it was an emma frost show based on a philippa gregory book. but this was still terrible enough for me to type this post up, so here we go!

i can guarantee you that you’ll have a more fun time reading this post than you will watching TSP. this is under a read more because.. whew.. theres a lot.

THE CASTING

first and foremost: the actress playing KOA cannot act. she’s really pretty, granted, but her acting was genuinely terrible. like.. i cringed almost every time there was a scene terrible. not only was her spanish accent bad but she felt so.. stiff, i guess would be a good word, whenever she said something. and that didn’t do anything to help the fact that she has a bad case of ScarJo Fever™ (if you don’t know what that is: it’s when an actor/actress only makes the same three facial expressions) people need to stop hiring actresses and actors just because they’re attractive and actually make sure that they can act. at this point, i am Begging!

the actor playing harry was actually good though, at least in my opinion. he did his best with what he was given and i really admire that! you can tell that he was putting a lot of effort into it, even though the way that they wrote him was really out of character for that period of his life (see: this post)

h7′s actor was good in the scenes that he was in, but the way that they treated h7 was so.. weird? they didn’t make him as creepy as i thought that they were going to when i first found out they were making an adaptation of TCP, but there was still this lowkey creepy vibe that he had going on.. i honestly dont know how to explain it, but it was there. also he slapped the shit out of harry in a scene??? that was messy as HELL

the actress for margaret beaufort was good, but there were some scenes that just had me like.. oh? on god? (most notably the death scene, but i’ll get into that hot mess later) you could tell that she was trying hard, even if they made MB’s character arc terrible.

the actors that played lina and her love interest were amazing, though. they worked with what they had and i really liked what they did with them even though the writing was shit. the scene with their wedding was adorable and really well acted!

angus imrie (arthur) was good, too! but the wig that they gave him? atrocious. i’m going to see it in my nightmares. georgie henley was really good in the scenes that we saw her in as meg tudor, but most of the scenes she was in weren’t that good and that’s wack :’)

i don’t know the name of the actress that played juana of castile in the episode she was in, but i liked her acting, too.. even though the writing for her was kind of cringy.

before i end this section i should let it be known that i was more attached to juana, meg and arthur in the few episodes they were in than i was to KOA during the entire show. it’s so tragic like. how are you going to cast a lead actress that cant act?? Hello???

before i get into the issues with the writing and creative direction i have with the show, i just wanna say: the pacing of the show was terrible and really, really difficult to follow. the entirety of the second episode, which followed from their KOA/arthur marriage to arthur’s death, probably had the worst pacing. it felt like only a few weeks had passed in the show’s time, when it was supposed to be what? six months? and there was so indication of a timeskip between episode 6 and episode 7, even though juana was still in england at the end of episode 6 and h7 died about 10 minutes into episode 7? it’s so tragic.

okay, moving on!

THE CREATIVE DIRECTION

look. i get that it’s a show and of course there’s going to be historical license but... GOD this show went above and beyond.

there’s so much i want to say here, but the most important one that i have an issue with is the shit that they did with lina’s character. erasing the fact that she was a slave owned by ferdinand and isabella and then later given to KOA was absolutely terrible. and then not only did they do that AND make her KOA’s most loyal lady-in-waiting, but they erased the fact that she was forced to convert to christianity, forced to stop using her birth name and instead having to use the name of her new owner in the name of #StrongFemaleFriendships. disgusting!

EF: lina is KOA’s most faithful servant and they have a strong female friendship!! hashtag woke!! hashtag feminism!! my black ass:

honestly it gets even worse because KOA and lina’s “central female friendship” was barely even there. lina had more scenes with rosa, one of KOA’s other ladies-in-waiting, than she did with KOA. not to mention that KOA was manipulative to lina and kept saying stuff like “you owe me service” or stuff along those lines? it was so shitty. lina sweetie im so sorry that this ugly ass bitch would even try you

the next big thing that i had a problem with was the fact that they aged up harry, when in reality he was about 11 years old when KOA first came to england. like, i can’t really go that much into it because even thinking about the fact that they aged him up to make him Arthur’s Hotter, All-Around-Better Brother™ when he was fucking 11 makes me kinda sick but. ughh it was terrible.

not to mention the fact that they villainized margaret beaufort because of course they did. apparently you cant be a middle aged woman without being villainized?? especially not in an emma frost show. but the way that they villainized her was so ugly. and the fact that they attributed shit like edmund dudley’s execution to her when it happened an entire year after she died? Hello????

the way that she just took over and declared herself regent when h7 was in mourning for elizabeth of york and kicked KOA out of the palace + the way she tried to threaten margaret pole & lina into revealing that KOA wasn’t a virgin.. shgkhhgsfhgkshjbjsjb that shit was so fucking messy its like they tried to make her a fusion of mother gothel from tangled and ursula from the little mermaid

the way that they made EoY dislike KOA was so weird? and the way that both her and margaret beaufort assaulted her by kissing and groping her respectively was weird and definitely uncalled for.

this is a minor one in the gist of some of the other things but why did they make EoY’s last daughter a stillborn child? someone correct me if i’m wrong, but didn’t she live for about a week before she died? but then again, i remember that she named their daughter after KOA, so they probably did that to avoid the fact because they made EoY hate her. messy

arthur’s wig counts as a creative decision right? well whoever gave him that wig needs to be fired. PERIOD

arthur’s wig:

me:

whoever did meg tudor’s costumes also needs to be fired tbfh they were so bad. what did she ever do to yall

THE WRITING

i guess that writing can go into the creative direction category as well, but there were so many problems with the writing that it deserves its own category

KOA was so terrible in this. between her manipulating harry and lina, and the fact that she kept defending the fact that isabella abused juana because “our mother was a queen, a warrior” was ugly! “tO bE qUeEn oF eNgLaNd iS mY dEsTiNy” girl if you don’t shut ya mouth catching these hands is gonna be your destiny

they also made KOA put all of her faith in the fact that she was related to queens? like, every time juana said she couldn’t do something because her husband + ferdinand are assholes, or every time isabella was brought up she kept being like “but you’re/she’s a queen!” it was irritating

all of the predictions about the great matter/KOA not being able to give harry a son were weird. i would have been fine if it had only been like.. one time, because sometimes foreshadowing can be good, but it was brought up every 5 seconds and at the most random times. like when EoY was literally dying in childbirth?? Hello????? god are you there??

AND THE FACT THAT EOY STRAIGHT UP WENT TO HELL AND SAW HER BROTHER GETTING EXECUTED THEN CAME BACK. HELLO??

then when margaret beaufort was about to die and she saw ghosts? and jasper tudor showed up to take her to hell i guess? honestly i didnt know what the fuck was going on but that shit was so fucking messy and wild. i have to laugh

also: i mentioned this earlier but all of those scenes where harry was ranting and raging.. EF really saw the name “henry viii” and floored it with that huh

they also dumbed harry down imho.. Wack!

juana seducing harry was a hot ass mess in its own right, but honestly? juana and harry had more chemistry in that one minute scene than KOA and harry had in the entire show

we were not even 10 minutes into the pilot and they were already trying to portray isabella as a #WokeFeministQueen. how, you might ask? why, by showing her leading a group of men to kill black muslims for their faith, of course! didn’t you know that being racist and islamophobic is hip and feminist when you’re a queen?

like i get that its from KOA’s point of view but in the opening monologue of the pilot they mentioned that isabella overthrew the moors like it was a #Feminist thing to do and not a part of her orchestrating massacres and contributing to genocide? @ EF: on GOD??

tbh? shocked that KKKristopher KKKolonizer wasn’t mentioned in a positive light based on how much they tried to glorify isabella. like what catholic monarchs stan was allowed to work on this show with EF and P. Gregory?? hello????

i’m totally fine with the whole plot point about katherine lying about her virginity, since we’ll probably never know the truth about whether or not she and arthur consummated their marriage, but it was poorly executed in both the writing and in CH’s acting. i could tell that she was lying and so did.. almost everyone, really.

the scene where they were about to.. i guess lynch lina’s love interest for “stealing” made me really uncomfortable. i dont even know how to explain it

h7′s death scene.... this is all i have to say about it

margaret beaufort ordering the execution of edmund dudley was shitty for a lot of reasons but honestly him screaming “fuck you all to hell” was hilarious

the ending scene of episode 7 where they were in the chapel and henry asked KOA if she was still a virgin was bad writing and CH’s acting made it even worse. cant even lie convincingly smh

margaret pole’s plotline was so confusing.. i barely knew wtf was going on with her the entire show? it all felt so rushed and forced. it was weird

EoY and h7 had some cute scenes together though. and that was like.. one of the shows only real redeeming qualities

that’s about it for this post about TSP! my overall rating for it is a 0.5/10. it was super shitty, but i liked arthur, juana and meg tudor so it gets a 0.5 instead of a plain 0. and apparently theres one episode left too.. DREADING it. anyways: emma frost absolutely failed in her goal to be like “its not all about anne boleyn!” because if anything this show made me think about how claire foy and natalie dormer were both robbed of awards so.. if reading this post gave you hives? go watch wolf hall or the tudors for their great performances!

thanks for reading! :)

[ofluciana]

“ she told me that love is a loaded gun that she’s been trying to dodge for many years now. .”

LUCIANA ZABINI is 30 years old and works as a FREELANCE POTIONEER/PHILANTHROPIST and is loyal to THE DEATH EATERS they were an SLYTHERIN and are a PUREBLOODED. SHE looks like AJA NAOMI KING.

CHARACTER PARALLELS: gloria delgado ( modern family ), cersei lannister ( asoiaf ), irene adler ( sherlock ), amy dunne ( gone girl ), katherine pierce ( the vampire diaries ), tahani al-jamil ( the good place ), michaela pratt ( htgawm ) AESTHETIC: pearl necklaces, heels longer than your d*ck, red wine stains on white blouses, perfect manicures, finding loneliness both a comfort and a hauntingly scary thing, gold eyeliner, faux fur coats, reveling in your own beauty and not apologising for it, silk sheets, childhood memories you’ve buried, dark purple lipstick LINKS: stats. pinboard. character tag. playlist. HEADS UP: there’s mentions of abuse ( spousal, child ), alcoholism and murder in here. all are marked at the bulletpoint!

history

luciana is born ready for a life of nannies, of pampering and being spoiled and getting everything she wants. for the first few years of her life, that’s exactly how it goes, too. her father’s a successful businessman, having connections all over the world, his business bringing in the money the zabini’s depend on, breathe on, sleep on. her first four years are spent on silk sheets and expensive clothes, in a massive penthouse apartment overseeing swansea.

it all falls to pieces when her father’s debts catch up on him and he goes bankrupt. there’s no money left. it’s a surprise to her mother, who thought business was booming and that there was nothing to worry about, but they have to move out either way, swap their massive place for a tiny flat in italy that just fits three people. elizabeth is four years old and doesn’t understand what is going on.

[ spousal abuse tw, alcoholism tw, child abuse tw her father starts drinking. a lot. he goes job hunting every day, at least, that’s what he says, and comes home smelling of booze and stumbling every evening. at one point, he starts drinking at home, too, having lost any sense of pride. the zabinis have been knocked from their pedestal, so there’s no room to pretend at home. when he starts drinking at home, the fights between him and luciana’s mother increase. her mother screams and her father sits still until he’s done listening and ends the fight with a smack against a cheek or something more. his anger turns to her at times, too, but not as much as it does to her mother, but it does, and that’s enough for her hate to start growing.

her mother starts growing absent, too. hiding in her bedroom or slipping from the house to visit friends and family and her other lover, leaving luciana alone with her father, or completely alone. the situation worsens. luciana learns to escape, to tune out the world around her, to let her imagination run wild. she keeps her hate and grudges locked up in her chests and learns to cry quietly. end of tws ]

they are kicked out of their house for the first time when she’s ten. they couldn’t make rent for the second month in a row and their landlord is done. her parents play the blaming game and luciana cries in the dry sheets at the motel they stay in now. they itch and are cold and she just wants a place to call home. 

at least she can go to hogwarts half a year later. she had been enrolled there since birth, so of course she goes there. her parents don’t move to the UK, not wanting to face the pureblood families they used to see so very often before. 

hogwarts is an escape, a place for luciana to leave behind the endless fights and the new shitty flat and to focus on something else than keeping quiet and not becoming too bored. she’s sorted in slytherin, like her mum was ( her dad went to school in italy, never even saw inside hogwarts, and perhaps that made the place even better ) and flourishes. socially, academically: suddenly luciana grows into something more than what she was before, learns how to use her disadvantages as advantages.

she mixes with the pureblood crowd like she should have done years ago, tells lies as to why she wasn’t at many events ( things like we moved to italy because of a grand business opportunity there and our mansion looks out over the mediterranean sea! ) and reconciles with people she went on playdates with before everything turned to shit. she gets into the slug club, grows ambitious when she finds out she has skills, proper skills, in potions.

her ambition becomes a drive, becomes a plan: she signs up for summer internships, for ways out of the live she has been living so far. she talks to slughorn ( who likes her, even if her dad’s a failure ) and searches for opportunities, chances, anything to become successful, to do what a zabini is supposed to do. to do what her shitty excuse of a father failed to do.

once graduated, she starts working to earn the title of potioneer, staying in contact with slughorn and meeting members of the Most Extraordinary Society of Potioneers, making connections and impressions. she’s nineteen when she gains the title. she’s one of the youngest who gets the title and she’s reveling in it. she starts making potions for st mungo’s and the aurors, works freelance, and so for no one but those she wants to work with. she makes her own money, and feels on top of the world.

luciana’s climb on the social ladder does not go unnoticed, and at the age of twenty four she marries a rich pureblood man (1973). she swaps the apartment she shares for his mansion and pretends to love him. she doesn’t, of course --- she wants his money, his power, to climb up that ladder, to have a taste of the life she should have had all that time. 

[ abuse tw ] she doesn’t love him and he doesn’t love her either, no matter what he thinks or says. he’s not like her father, but he’s not unlike him either. he’s successful and respectable and doesn’t smell of alcohol but he does have hard hands and mean eyes. he wants her to love him like he thinks he loves her and his frustration doesn’t push him to leave, it pushes him to stay. luciana hates him, but she fears him, too. and fuck it, she’s done being scared.

[ murder tw ] he dies, after one and a half year of marriage, in 1975.  a potion – a poison – stops his heart, making it seem like a natural death. he’s too young to die this soon, but no one stops to question it. why would they question it? luciana zabini’s potions are excellent. she makes no mistakes. she wanted him dead and she wanted no blame and she gets what she wants and she feels like she can breathe again. she cries tears at his funeral and spits on his grave when everyone has left. 

there’s something twisted in elizabeth, like there’s in every zabini, in every rowle: it’s always been there, but the moment she starts toying with the idea of poisoning her husband, it grows. she makes the poison herself and feels the most alive than she ever has, and while she tells herself that she’s doing it for herself, for her own safety, somewhere, it’s also because she wants power. him dying would leave her a fortune, and she needs it. she could have just left him, but she wanted him dead. gone. [ end of tw’s ]

she’s not particularly keen to marry again. luciana keeps her dead husband’s name and stays in his mansion and revels in the wealth and tries to heal herself. she soothes her spirit and focuses on her potions and herself. she learns where her soul is still bruised and takes care of them and vows to never press down on those spots again.

in 1977 she marries again. not for love, or for money, per se ( though she doesn’t mind his money, if she’s honest ) but because she wants a child. easy as that. life is lonely, all alone in that bloody house that’s not hers. aurelius fawley is a good husband, that much can be said. he’s a man still, of course, and luciana doesn’t like men all that much. she has a good time with him --- they travel and laugh and drink expensive bottles of wine and appear at galas with white teeth smiles.

aurelius fawley is also a death eater, which is how luciana gets involved. he tells her how they could use her potions and her mind, and she says she’ll help him under the condition that she won’t have to take the mark ( the tattoo, she finds ugly ). luciana does believe in blood purity, but she cares more about power. helping the death eaters in a small way is a sure way to ensure that she has a foot in the door on the winning side. she doens’t mind that, at all. ( she does think they will win --- she knows dark magic and knows that the death eaters will wield it more easily than anyone who opposes them )

[ murder tw ] he dies in september 1979, when she’s seven months pregnant. he dies during a battle, drops to the floor like that, is unmasked and his name appears in the press. aurelius fawley --- fallen death eater, murdered in the crossfire. she hopes the ministry pats themselves on the back for his death, and that the order does, too. of course --- it was a potion, again, that killed him, clogging up his arteries and slowly taking his life away. 

she kills him because, quite frankly, she doesn’t want her child to have a father, doesn’t want him to be the father — she doesn’t love him, and she won’t let her son grow up with parents who don’t love each other, like she had. she won’t allow that. she holds the cards, and she decides to stop the game and win. [ end of tw ]

blaise zabini is born 15 november 1979 and she loves him more than she has ever loved anyone else. actually, she understood what love was for the first time when she learned she was pregnant. she promises him the world and the stars and sun. everything. 

luciana takes back her maiden name after aurelius’ death, too. she says it’s because she doesn’t want to be affiliated with his name, with his death eater name, because she appears to be shocked and disgusted by his role in the war. of course, it’s not because of that ( though she does value reputation, too ) but because she wants to reclaim zabini, the name her father destroyed, but the name she will use to build an empire. her son will not be named after the idiot who dared marry her --- he will be named after her, and be part of her world.

luciana is still making potions, though more for friends and acquaintances (and death eaters), but has put her career on a backburner. she’s found a better way to make money, after all, her two dead husbands have taught her that. besides that, she’s a single mother, and most of her time is eaten by blaise, blaise, blaise. she has cut ties with her parents at this point, has left her past behind and not looked back, and in stead only focuses on the future. she focuses on pretending to grieve and raising her son and being the face of perseverance for other widows ( because god knows the war makes many ). she wears red silk and red lipstick and cries fake tears and flips her hair and is in search for a new man to marry, eventually, to pretend to love, to steal his money from when he dies under strange circumstances. 

personality and tidbits

we love an amoral queen!

luciana has built a name for herself. she came to hogwarts having to remind people of her family’s legacy and has started to build her own and she’s earned respect, i imagine. she’s quite charismatic and charming and loves all kinds of pureblood functions.

really loves. red wine. so much. oh my GOD. she’s not touching it rn though but akjdfsdf she loves it so much, will rave about it forever.

a walking set of aesthetic goals.

i guess ... there are suspicions about luciana out there? i imagine there’s aurors side eyeing/following her, maybe she’s been taken in for questioning ... there’s definitely rumours in witch weekly but also, that magazine is a bit dramatic im sure LMAO. she loves it all. she thinks she’s invincible. 

so -- she’s a philanthropist and that is something she takes very seriously? luciana knows what it’s like to be poor and to be disadvantaged and all that fucking shit. of course, it helps with her image, but ... she does it out of genuine caring? i imagine she likes throwing big charity events, fundraisers and stuff. 

i mean --- her life is very different from what it was before, and she could just ignore her past and focus on her future, and she does in a sense, but she doesn’t want to brush over her own experiences and belittle them and especially doesnt want to ignore the reality of the world? so yeah. she’s a giving person akjdfsdf. 

she loves jazz

honestly this is fucking long

she has a dog!!!! her name is hera and she looks like this and it’s the most extra dog i have ever seen which means she LOVES IT

luciana is ... self centered. arrogant. haughty. fucking caught up in her own shit but ---- the world never gave her anything, so why should she give it anything back? she’s living life for herself and for her son and the rest of the world can perish.

bitter bitch, rich bitch, beautiful bitch.

i was reading a dance with dragons earlier and jon snow described val as lonely and lovely and lethal and that’s her! 

a grieving :( single :( mother :( who is in shock :( that her husband was an evil man :( poor her :( uwu :( 

she’s lying about everything and everyone but we stan!!

plots!

mr future husband --- well, this depends ... on if youre down? luciana probs wont get married until after the end of the war so this wont happen in game BUT it would be lit to plot it out long term? this could be any kind of person, as long as they have monaye. ive had her marry a muggleborn before just to be like ... i am NOT a death eater! or a purist! (she is). this man will get killed. to death. 

idk i will add more when i wake bc i have to sleep and this got so long and im so tired SORRY

[xz017]

.

oof. okay so imma do the latest tea???

got out of shower to hear my mum talkin to Agnes spillin the tea abt their friend/coworker

the one with that Kid my mum wanted to have a playdate with or whatever the annoyingly studious and clearskinned halfasian lookin girl i really envied.

her mum has a live in boyfriend who is basically like...an alcoholic mental case rip god i hate alcohol and i hate people who drink it like i only do it so i hate myself more and die but like this guy basically playin with knives n guns in the house and the kid who is like 19 idk why im callin her kid is so Over it like apparently she hasn’t been coming home and like

basically me in 2016 era when my mum was too generous n Helpful lettin ppl back into our lives and our House so i spent christmas morning 5am walkin in the cold n watchin 3 films until it got dark and stuff like that

girl be actin homeless---mood

so it came to a head today so Agnes is spillin the tea n her husband in the bg(omg it weird hearin him rip he was my military hs instructor wild) n my mUM is so selfrighteous n mad like

‘blablahblah well rosalie is being dumb she should put her daughter first she being sick in the head it her Choice’

n im like eavesdroppin havin warflashbacks of the dumb hypocrisy she has DOne lmao

‘has she no thought like what if Tyler gets raped/sexually abused by that man she’d let her daughter be in that environment???’

i mean it wouldnt be fair of me to be like...eyemoji on this cos she technically doesn’t know? but 19 may 2018 never4get lmao

anyway so my mum’s like our room is for rent and it’ll be far cheaper they dont even have to pay rn!!!

cue me being like...um...Money...generosity...i dont...LIke

i was conflicted here like idk i met the girl like 3-5 times im envious of her work ethic n her better asian disposition than mine cos she obviously prettier but she has better prospects and that’d suck if her life be like that

but also??? like...life be like that it was like that to me like who saved me????????????????????? 

um...no one

like why is that on me or US TO BE NICE n helpful im so tired like damn which is relevant to the next point anyway

cos earlier had a convo with my mum i was eyemojing healthcare profs i was like ‘pls stop bein on ye phone pls tell me info on ye opinion on respiratory therapists...what abt PA’

n deadass she be eyemojing me like STICK TO YOUR COURSE

n i was like...-ugly pleadin emoji eyes- n i was tryin to explain that i didn’t want to be so focused on one thing that if i decide this medical thing is what i want to pursue i’d need 1-2 years just for the PREREQS which is like 5 classes and 1000 clinical hours or minimum 6 month healthcare paid job. like if i decide i want to go to school for that i already have the Stuff and just Apply.

n she was like...you had your chance i bothered you to be a nurse a few years ago you were stubborn if you did as i said you’d be earning good money now but you wasted time

n i was like...oof i can’t say anything to that it’s tru. it real life tea it fax i wasted time n im old n im ruunnin out of time i hate myself alot i hate hate hate

and idk we got to talkin abt money n life cos she was like you have to find something you can learn to LOve

n i was like??? WHY I GOTTA SETTLE N FOOL MYSELF TO DO SO im super annoyed abt that mindset

cos the thing about a bloody Arts degree is there’s too fuckin many broad possibilities n they all aint even that good. like deadass if i was a STEM major ugh like if i was a Bio major prospects are so clear: forensics, research, premed,labtech. Meanwhile polsci for example: uhhh teacher? prelaw? politician? uhhh government work? n there’s like 111 different subdivisions of that n it’s like??? wat the fuck

deadass what am i gonna do with international security is that even gonna pay well like...the fuck do i know is it relevant ??? Doubts

n she was all like...PEOPLE JUST GOTTA DO WHAT THEY HAVE TO TO SURVIVE YOU GOTTA FIND YOURS N STICK WITH IT

n i was lowkey panique n frustrated cos i really REALLY hate being stuck in 1 ting n im like i HAD ACTING YOU SAID NO

n she was like pFF i wanted you to have something REAL cos if you dont make it in acting you’d be on the STREETS

n i was like...lmao lil did she know imma be on the streets next year smh this year actually

n she was like talkin abt the harsh reality of the workforce and how you gotta make do at how ppl treat you (patients) n how you might not even like your coworkers but you gotta deal with it because that’s what ppl do to survive

n she was talkin abt undeserving patients with no healthcare n i was like did you just hear yourself so you want them to die cos they dont got money and she was like 

no??? why get hooked up in the ICU when you’re braindead wasting government money taxes we payed for you don’t understand cos you dont have a job and dont get your salary cut cos of taxes and these people come in acting like they got something to give when they yell at your face acting like they know what they’re talking about they act entitled when they have nothing homeless ppl getting money and illegal immigrants are selfish bringing their kids to be hurt here

n im like...theyre life is ...shitty what are you talkin about n she was like so? why dont they stay and make it better??? one of my very first patients asked me why i was in america and i said i come from a poor country and they said why didn’t you stay and try to make it better? and i couldn’t say anything cos u know what they were right why dont illegal immigrants do that??? n im like...

cos theyre literally...RUNNIN and they want ppl they care abt i.e. children to be far away from that as soon as possible bruh ye think imma wait for change deadass there a reason why we suffer duterte he actually get shit done??? we dont have to wait for change the same way ppl who speak nice n are polite do but is stuck with bureaucracy and lowkey bein corrupt deadass stay in ye lane

n she’s like well i hope you’re right im done bein an idealist im a realist now i believed in good i wanted to help the world now no more

n im like...no you’re not a realist, you’ve just been hangin out with a republican

and she gave me a sideeye 

but deadass im ...scared like i really hate the empathy because when she was being serious n talkin n being honest abt things for once i started to unwillingly see things from her point of view i really felt it n i was scared i’ll be like that im scared she’s right

im scared i’ll end up Real n selfish like...i already am ? n bitter? like i care about so very few Personally and am willin to let others suffer to keep it safe n prioritised?

im scared.

like especially with racism all these years my mum’s been telling me it’s not that im racist just wait til you work with them they act so entitles and loud and make everything about race

n i almost told Her abt it earlier i skyped w her earlier we had a tea spillin moment about our ethnic relations bein racist but then idk we talked alot i guess the text got buried or unseen

like i said i was scared n didn’t get to unpack it like im scared because ive been livin with my roomate and like...ive been excusing it as a personality thing and that if it were anyone else different skin colour id still hate them just the same which i still maintain is true but like?

my RM is loud n she makes everything abt race like deadass me n my FM be just eating dinner and she passes by us and goes on a rant about harvard asians being a Blok to black ppl from getting There n im like...im tryna have dinner so i can get energy to deal with this stressful ass school

n she always talks like she knows what she’s talking about like ‘jewish ppl control the federal bank’ n im like...it 1am in the dark quiet of our shared room deadass i dont wanna tell the binch thats antisemitism cos she gonna be like im black how can i be racist smh

im!!! scared alright like i hate my roomate for proving my mum right when i try so hard to set things right like maybe that’s why i dont tell anyone about my situation other than Her. i never told my parents about the berkeley livin situation they already warn me enough to be careful n i just keep tellin them thats racist

i have so much........THOUGHTS n........DILEMMAS...n FEARS but like i just have this blog i cant trust anyone else to talk abt it n the only person i am willing to talk to abt it will be busy and im so ashamed abt these things but she was so sweet about givin me the heads up about her schedule 

like i hated that i had to get an ugly ass haircut today cos she came back to me n we couldve talked so i guess rip she was complacent n did stuff cos she replied late from then on like that dumbass haircut was 15 minutes ugh. our talkin pattern today was like...dashed lines timereply wise? i asked her if she packed earlier (pre haircut)n she said yes but rip a few hours later she was like...I need to pack 

wat is the truth rip

the tablet bein emo like...mood but my child rip.

my love be packin n spendin time with fam before leavin for london tomorrow

n even after that she doin...Stuff. rip.

which is ye know good for her rip.

i just hope she dont go iceskatin deadass one slip n she can crack her head open or break her neck or paralyse her spine like...??? why do humans wanna do dumb activities

like omg she admitted to me today she a serial jaywalker and WORSE with music n headphones like

binch thats why i didnt wanna enable you further by gettin ye airpods deadass bye

n she was like??? tryna equate it with my risky risk like ummm

mine is for science n validity

hers is just carelessness n chosin lazy convenience over idk...the responsibility of self vigilance like...

bruh ppl shouldnt promise someone 91 years if they be continuin to do dumb stuff consciously oof rip

but other than that like...im...really proud of this resolution she be undertakin officially on the 14th?

im nervous abt it cos i really want it for her too. i want her to get the proper sleep n i always hated her givin excuses like ‘IM FINE ON 4 HOURS OF SLEEP’ ‘I NAPPED 3 HOURS 38293820 HOURS AGO IM FINE I MADE UP FOR IT’ um...blokt. get proper sleep binch i love you tf???

prioritise work cos ye gonna regret not givin it yer all??? n ye payin for this???

what fun??? we capitalists now we want that money rip.

i see that shift you know rip i saw it comin a year ago.

that dont mean we republicans rip we still care about others n the inequality? but like i foresaw us getting acquainted with the harsh reality of the world n how difficult it is to get a job--which she experienced along the way.

n rip she wants many things bookmarkin them n honestly same rip

i want a stable warm home for this family n a shiny diamond to get disassociated by extra im a simple man

meanin im selfish n im ready to prioritise meanin im ready to make the choice for others to fall apart/behind if it means puttin This first rip

god pls dont make me a republican this so ugly

# 1 she’d hate me #2 i’d hate me

now im sad

im dead.

omg rip earlier too as she said goodbye i told her i loved her and she was like ‘i love you more’

DEADASS I WAS LIKE LMAO!!! girL i dont think you understand im literally Ready to put you and our possible future First like...im not messin around what skitrips with rich ppl what friends my love is potent n extreme n COncentrated like im sorry ik you feel love for me but you cant top This rip she not ready 

like the um ‘partially wanna make my life’s work abt knowin what might hurt n kill ye so i can kill it first or blok it well’ kinda love

the ‘im already savin for at least HALF a first month deposit in an overpriced london in case you wanna settle down wit me Mayhaps n im not touching it for ANYTHING’ kinda love

the ‘im thinking of a winter home in the tropics so you suffer less n im plannin the floorplans already rip just in case’ kinda extraness

but anyways the gall of this cute lovely human rip ‘i love you more’ ummm try Again smh

bruh i love her too much i bet that’s scary for her rip it might be a Burden tbh she so young rip 

meanwhile im old n ready to rot but like...

i wanna be mortal wit ye before i do

but ye know wat lads i saw myself in the mirror today like 5 times OOF. this meatform...keepin me...Humble. 

bitter but like...humble

‘like of course sHe not ready not only is my personality like dis but also...my outward form how could she introduce me as a Spouse’

‘wow i look like that oof it good i remembered i am undeservin of full intense love like in the films n fanfiction they always between attractive ppl after all it only 1/2 it not Equal’

‘wow bruh ye really upset she spendin time n resources elsewhere when you be lookin like That? ye dont have much to offer bro take the L’

oof so that’s the personal tea i can think of?

had a meghan marke talk rip i can’t believe i was right??? i had twin vibes!!! but i was hoping for like a variety situation rip im worried a lil abt the whole birthin Late ting but she can afford the highest care rip it fine she rich.

my love was talkin abt how pretty MM was n i was like rip is she triggerin Her a lil rip worrirooni

rip speakin of babies like she was showin me this smol gummybear n im like same das me heart n she was like :( n i was like it only fits you

n she was like so no children then:(

n i was like!!! rip if it Ours of course that Counts n i was a lil shook like rip she said she didn’t want them Really so i always get guilty when i talk abt the future or realise i mentioned kids or carelessly name drop Hyaline n Benzion like...im dead rn just typin that like what if she read this big shame bro

but ye know what this is already long n she gonna be busy maybe that’s the key. TOo Much puts ppl OFF so ye mayhaps we sneaky ! ?

anyway i was tryin to get her thoughts on it rip but like she was all iDK ASK ME IN 13 Yrs n i was like...

sighemoji + sandemoji + resignedemoji

rip we talked FAaC a lil. cos she Dared!!! to liken me to her brother just cos i showed her my cheap youth boy shoes smh

At first i was super offended n disgusted but then i was like rip eyemoji if ye into that

then she was like ew nO

then i was like um ye already play the ‘daddy u like me young huh’ card

which is like idk is like technically? joking but it’s like that post ye know abt ppl bein ‘whether or not im actually jokin or flirtin depends if you into it’ but also like schrodingers racism like ‘it was a joke bro!!!’ but they actually bigots.

so it DIFFICULT for my brain to Confirm rip like...eyemoji what is the truth

but like??? im rip. willin. rip. to. rip. Try. rip.?

really i am rip. it Her. bruh. im only hopin she dont have a golden shower kink but. trust i...Will follow thru.

nO IM REMEMBERIN THE DOO DOO POST DESPAIR

rip anyway that whole thing reminded me of FAaC origins which was porn n then somehow sHe was like imagine if egggsy was a singer he’d sing like ‘age is just a number’ shit n i SPILLED THE TEA ABOUT A TING IN PT 3 im so weak sand

i miss the gays

i wanna give them justice n happiness but the 2027 excuse is rl nice for my ugly procrastination issues oof but i wish them well

add: rip had another talk with my mum i really wanted her to understand my thought process about wanting to get the prereqs for medtraining done beforehand

n she was like...I UNderstand but Normal people--

n i was like ‘IM NOT NORMAL I DONT KNOW HOW TO CHOOSE I HAVE NO IDENTITY’

n she’s just like SHOOKE n mad n clearly dont understand that im fukt up in the head ‘...IC AN’T BELIEVE YOU!!! iF YOU’RE ABNORMAL YOU WONT GET HIRED N YOU WONT HAVE A NICE JOB’

n im like...well i mean what can i say to that it’s not like it’s not tru rip

Big sand honestly.

it gonna be a long few days imma do my best to leave her alone she needs her time rip i love her so much rip sand

i feel like a dumb ugly dog god fljækadfkøad h8

[wishfulife-moved]

It’s almost 4 am and I wanna talk about my boy and his relationship with his parents. I’ve talked about it before, but it’s been a while since I got salty about how they’re portrayed. It’s occurred to me I got really in depth about how shitty his parents are that at first glance, it’s hard to notice just how awful they are (namely his mother), and yeah, I need a meta idea anyway.

So to start with his dad, please take note that in the early years of Timmy’s life, his father ADORED him. Back when Timmy was Sophia, his dad doted on his child so fucking much. It’s canon from Abracatastrophe that his dad spent all day and every day when he wasn’t working just recording moments of his child’s life. 

Much like his wife, though to a much lesser extent, he was upset that his then-daughter told them he was actually their son, he still adored his kid to the ends of the earth. He still spent large waking moments just recording whatever Timmy did around the house, refusing to let any babysitter watch his kid (which there in forced his wife to stay at home and record their child WHILE he was at work). 

That all being said, his adoration and obsession with his son certainly wasn’t healthy in the least. He got jealous should anyone take too much of his child’s time, to the point of home schooling him the minute Timmy said he didn’t like the kids at public school (he made it half way through kindergarten before the bullying just got too much for him). In said episode, his father even stated he barely liked sharing his time with his son with his wife (the woman who fucking birthed him), and it’s pretty clear had Vicky not been called, he’d stay just as obsessed with his kid, and possibly leave his wife now that he HAD said kid.

Don’t get the wrong idea, he loves his wife, but before he spent more time with his wife and actually REMEMBERED why he fell in love with her, should she have pressed further in them going on date nights, there was a high possibility he would’ve left her with Timmy going with him.

However, things didn’t turn out that way, and he and his wife went off and began their never ending vacations without their son. Over the two years after Vicky’s first job in babysitting Timmy, his father became more and more enamored with his wife and doting on HER that he couldn’t even fathom why he spent so much time on his child. That was also around when they both spoke about how “unfair” it was that they spent all this time hoping, wishing, and PRAYING Timmy would grow out of this “phase” and go back to Sophia. They played the “charade” to extreme lengths, going as far to changing his name for him on school records, and then legally changing it. Costly yes, but at that point, Timmy’s dad was willing to do whatever for his kid.

When they were home, it pretty much became apparent that his dad was just as apathetic towards his son as his wife had been. He’d forget his name, hence why he’d call him Tommy at times, being openly rude to him for asking simple questions, and stating his hopes and dreams were crushed the time Timmy was born. At that point though, those comments had become so normal to Timmy, he stopped taking them to heart and assumed that’s just how parents kid with their children. 

Then there’s his mom.

The moment he spoke up to them that he wanted to be called Timmy, his mother felt a pure surge of disgust and disdain. Her mother couldn’t dote on her and treat her like a princess like she’d wanted, so her goal was to treat her daughter like a princess. To her, Timmy was supposed to be a perfect little doll she could dress up and later in life, show how to use make up and look pretty. In her eyes, her child was spitting in her face. Due to her husband’s compliance, and not wanting to cause major arguments between her and the man she loved, she bit her tongue and accepted the changes.

Not without a fight though.

Since his dad made the money at the time, and she was essentially forced to be a stay at home mother, she often times would tell Timmy he could only have certain things if he did this or that for her. Often it would be dressing up in clothes she’d bought him, going shopping for all sorts of stereotypical girly things, and for a while, making him take ballet, tutu and all. If he didn’t comply, she’d either ignore him for days, scream and cry at him for taking her daughter away, or in extreme cases, refusing to feed him/giving him food that would make him sick.

Even now-a-days, she’ll force him to dress like a girl, taking pictures so she could save and show her co-workers her adorable daughter. Most people are her job KNEW Timmy identified as a boy, but some didn’t. It was usually rumors about her child being strange, her being strange, and most people just not caring too much. She’d only ever show pictures of Timmy dressed femininely if she ever WANTED to show off her child. However, if anyone ever wanted to meet him (maybe arrange a hang out for their own kids) she would immediately shoot down the idea. In her mind, Sophia was being held captive by this “Timmy” person, and she knew no amount of screaming and crying would convince her son to dress effeminately in front of her co-workers.

I mostly base this concept behind Momnipresent, where Timmy is pretty much dragged along by his mom to do all sorts of feminine things he clearly has no comfort in doing. She forces him to go shopping, claiming “oh it’s just a kilt you’re wearing!” but you can bet she made him try on dresses too. She makes him get his hair done, and it’s seen his hair is a lot longer than you’d think, possibly stating he’s not allowed to have his hair cut too short and when wet or not plastered by his hat, his hair is pretty long for a boy. He manages to escape, but then feels GUILTY abandoning his mom. If I remember right, she says she just wants someone to do her girly things with, hinting again that she’s still bitter Timmy isn’t Sophia.

While Timmy will NEVER say he’s Sophia, since he feels overwhelming guilt when he sees his mom cry, he’ll play along with her delusions and do these things he’s not comfortable with. He’ll let her lie to her co-workers that she has a daughter. He’ll let her take pictures of him in dresses and his hair done up. It’s usually only for a few hours, and as it’s shown in canon, she’s hardly ever home.

As awful as them being neglectful is, Timmy almost loves the fact his parents are never home, and abandon him. The abuse he deals with makes so much dysphoria kick in that he feels sick. Of course, I say almost since the physical and mental abuse he gets from Vicky is draining. Honestly, Timmy’s shit outta luck regardless, and his Fairies are sort of the only thing keeping him sane.

Also, before you go, “Oh but in Channel Chasers, they go on live TV and beg him to come home!!!” Hey Susan!! Guess what!!?? Abusers can still be nice and sweet at times and want power over the one they abuse!!! I’m sorry, but I get that the joke is that they’re not bright, but like, it’s so PAINFULLY obvious Vicky is awful. Also, there’s clear times you can see Timmy is clearly being hurt, or was clearly doing the chores that were asked of Vicky to do. Also, after a while of their kid doing bad shit (which don’t get me wrong, Timmy acts out and can be a little shit) and getting “caught”, why would he ever keep it up? Obviously if he keeps blaming the babysitter every single time for two years, you might think, “huh weird that he hasn’t let that go yet...”

They totally know Vicky is awful, but Timmy’s dad is indifferent, and Timmy’s mom low key loves it. For her, it’s indirect punishment from her for Timmy being Timmy. She was the reason Vicky got paid extra. The only reason she got fired was because EVERYONE was calling them out (well, Chester and her parents TRIED to) for being idiots about Vicky, and they didn’t like this slander. Plus, they already outted themselves about being SORRY on television, so they sort of felt like that had to fire her. Only reason she has her job is because Timmy wished for her to not get fired, thinking continuing his abuse is a good thing because he got his Fairies because of her. Which........is fucked up. 

[ayearofpike]

See You Later

Pocket Books, 1990 226 pages, 15 chapters + epilogue ISBN 0-671-74390-2 LOC: PZ7.P626 Bo 2012 (Bound To You compilation) OCLC: 746155163 Released July 15, 1990 (per B&N)

Sometimes it is hard to know what we want coming out of school. That might be even more true for those with congenital physical disabilities who don’t really expect to survive much past graduation. But when Mark meets Becky, for the first time he thinks he might actually know. Becky sure does, anyway – at least, an older and wiser future Becky who comes back in time to break up with her then-boyfriend-now-husband and get together with Mark, thinking that this very act will affect the future of all of humanity. 

First things first: More than anything else, See You Later is a love story. Even though it’s got elements in common with Pike’s earlier stuff, this book is not a horror story, a detective story, a straight-sci-fi story, or a murder mystery. It’s a romance from the point of view of a dude, which makes it the first of these books to use only a male POV and only the second to use the first person. It’s got computers, a space station, murder, and thermonuclear war, yeah, but the core of the story is Mark’s growing feelings toward Becky and his despair at the possibility of her returning them. It retains enough Pike that you can recognize his characterizations and stylistic devices, but it’s really not what anybody would expect to come out of this dude’s pen if they’ve read the 14 books that came before it.

That said? It’s one of my top five favorites. It carried me through my lovesick teen years, and rereading it this week brought back all the feels.

I first encountered See You Later around the time I started to notice girls and think that maybe I would like to be affectionate with one. Before this point (maybe around the end of eighth grade) everything I wrote was a straight-up spy heist, but after it I caught relationship drama sneaking into my stories. I eventually realized it was my imagination manifesting the girl I was too shy and scared to talk to, the one I’d built up as the image of perfection and the key to my happiness, and allowing my protagonist to get her without actually having to do anything. Like, maybe I should just let the first paragraph of this book do the talking for me.

It began with a smile, or at least that’s what I thought. But then, I didn’t think much when I was eighteen. I just longed for things I didn’t have, and reacted when they came to me and I no longer wanted them. But love ... I always wanted to be in love, and to have love, and to pretend they were one and the same thing. I was like everybody else, I suppose, and I thought I was so different. I had to find that one girl who was so different, so perfect – who would accept me just the way I was.

It’s both the reality of my existence in high school and the problem of teen masculinity in general: I just expected things to happen for me, especially love. We’re told that if we behave in a certain specific way, the circumstances of our picture-perfect life will just fall into place around us. You can either be a rich jock asshole who cons girls into falling for your status and biceps, or you can quietly support and compliment them until they realize the rich jock assholes are not where it’s at and that the nice guy they’ve always wanted has been there the whole time. We’re familiar with the inherent problems of the nice guy model in 2018, but in 1991 it was just the way to go, not to mention way more attainable for the shy band geek on the honor roll.

I’m not sure that Mark completely fits into this mold. He certainly takes his destiny more firmly into his own hands by actually asking Becky out, rather than only hanging around all the time and hoping her boyfriend magically disappears and that she sees the light of his presence. (Although he does that too.) He is definitely the shy nerdy type, a computer programmer who avoids his high school graduation and has disavowed his abusive family and is sickly due to a heart defect. He could just hang out at Becky’s store all the time and bemoan his poor luck of being born sick and growing up nerdy and unsupported, and face whatever is fated to come his way however Becky decides. But this is Pike, so there’s got to be something more to the plot than that.

On one of his visits to the store, Mark sees a weirdly familiar guy over in the corner, reading the copy on the box of one of his games. It turns out the dude is also a game designer, and wants Mark to come and critique the most recent one he’s written. While at his house, Mark meets his girlfriend, another weirdly familiar person despite her not looking or sounding like anyone he’s ever met (he doesn’t know anyone with long blonde curls and a Scottish accent). She takes an immediate interest in Mark’s pursuit of Becky and decides to help by getting the boyfriend out of the way. So she goes to the bookstore where he works and gets him to ask her out, then goes to Becky’s store and pretends to recognize her from a picture in her “cousin’s” wallet. This, of course, immediately gets Becky to break up with the dude and ask Mark out the same day. They have a great time, they spend the night together, and in the morning when he calls she hangs the fuck up on him.

Wait, what? This certainly wasn’t in Mystery Girl’s plans. It turns out that the boyfriend got wise to the plan and told Becky all about how Mark planned the entire breakup, using his blonde Scottish friend to trick the guy into going out with her so that Becky would be free for Mark to snap up. The girl realizes that something’s up, that the boyfriend has been warned by someone else, and while she’s screaming at him about it, whoops, her accent falls off and she reveals she was faking the whole time. However, we do learn that the whistleblower is a dangerous man, and that the mystery girl wasn’t counting on him following her, and that even though Mark has no idea what’s going on he knows it’s way bigger than he had previously thought.

I’ve already laid this out in the intro, sort of, but here’s the whole thing: In the future, Becky marries her boyfriend and Mark dies of his heart disorder. (And loneliness, it’s implied.) The boyfriend husband joins the Air Force, is quickly promoted to general, and is assigned command of a military space station that is supposedly only for scientific research but which everybody knows boasts an enormous arsenal of weapons. In the global argument over this space station, the general gets an itchy trigger finger, and decides to win once and for all by nuking China. Of course this leads to global war that more or less wipes out human life on the planet, and the space station is crippled and houses about a hundred survivors, including Becky, all of whom cluster together and pray for forgiveness as the air runs out. (Except the general, who is “too busy” – presumably still bombing brown people.)

Then the aliens show up. Only they’re not defined as we would expect. These aliens are nothing more than fuzzy balls of light, and there’s one for each human on the ship. They use their undefined advanced technology to clean up a chunk of Los Angeles and make it a beautiful garden, where Becky can spend the rest of her days in peace and happiness. Only she’s not happy, because she’s still thinking about how things might have been different if she’d married Mark instead of this ruthless warlord. Wasn’t it her support, her help, her forsaking of her own career plans to allow his to grow, that made this dude able to control the country’s nuclear arsenal? Conveniently, right about here the aliens offer Becky a deal: go back to any point in her own life and make some kind of a change to increase her own happiness. They also somehow resurrect Mark and send him back with her.

You guessed it: the weirdly-familiar people are Becky and Mark from the future. Future-Becky’s goal for happiness is to break her past self up with her boyfriend and start her going out with Mark. Future-Mark’s goal is more benign: world peace. See, the game he’s got Mark testing is completely based on the war, and just like with the real war there’s no way to win – UNLESS you decline to launch any weapons from the very start. Unfortunately, the time travelers don’t have a clean palette to paint from, because Future-Becky’s husband has learned about the plan and has traveled to the same time, not to save his relationship but to ruin Becky’s. He thinks that she’s held him back, restrained him, made him too soft, and without her mitigating influence he will be able to successfully blow the shit out of the other side of the globe. Sure, you could argue that this same timeline would be effected without his interference, but then again, he’s a vengeful asshole. She ruined his life; why should she be happy? And what easier way to make her unhappy than to kill the dude who would replace him?

To Future-Becky’s reckoning, there’s only one possible solution: kill the boyfriend before he can become the grizzled, vengeful general, and do it tonight before the full moon is at its highest point in the sky and all the time travelers phase out of existence. All Mark can think to do is ask Becky for advice on how she would kill her boyfriend. And of course she knows, having just broken up with him – she’d run him down with her car as he left his store at night. Which is exactly what Future-Becky tries to do. Only Becky doesn’t have the baggage of thirty-plus years of a shitty marriage, and she runs out in front of the car to warn the boyfriend, and it’s going too fast to stop.

The boyfriend rushes Becky to the hospital, and Mark plans to follow, only Future-Becky knows there’s no point and takes him back to a cave in the hills behind her house. This cave has been around throughout the story, but it’s only here that Mark realizes it’s the time-travel point. It doesn’t hurt that the husband is hanging out there waiting for them. It doesn’t help either, as he’s got a gun and plans to kill Mark right there. So Mark has to talk fast. 

Something I didn’t mention before is that with a little effort, the time-shifted variants of the people can experience what the other half is doing. Mark did it before, when the husband kidnapped and killed Future-Mark and we learned what his plans were. Mark asks the others to do it now, to see the pain brought on by Becky dying in the hospital, to remind them of how they once cared for each other. And lo and behold, they remember why they got married in the first place, what was there before they felt trapped and resentful and eventually forgot that wasn’t the original point of their relationship, nor the only way it had ever been.

In the morning, the time travelers are gone, Becky is dead, and Mark and the boyfriend have to explain to the police how and why it happened. This is a formidable effort, considering that a) the only other witness, the mall security guard, was stoned out of his gourd and b) nobody except for the two of them knows, remembers, or even saw any evidence that there were future alternates hanging around and fucking shit up. Like, the car Future-Becky was driving when she smashed into her past self? No such car, no such license plate, no record of sale. So the security guard saw Becky bleeding on the ground, he figures there must have been a car – but he didn’t see it, didn’t hear it, didn’t see Future-Becky standing there mourning herself. The boyfriend is furious, and moreso when Mark adopts the same line. But eventually he catches on, and when Mark tells him what happened in the hospital (something Mark couldn’t possibly know, not having been there) he seems to accept that some things are magical and unexplainable.

So this leaves us to wax philosophical about what the hell just happened, as Mark dies of his heart defect ten years after the story’s events. This part stinks of mansplaining a little bit. Future-Becky described the events of the war and the time travel quite thoroughly, but Mark doesn’t believe she actually knew everything and proceeds to give his own version of events. I don’t know where he gets off, but it is true that he has no plans to save himself for future medical care, and doesn’t even know of the possibility existing as she described. So he has to come up with something, and his something is more metaphysical than science fiction. He thinks that the “aliens” are actually time travelers from a farther distant future than we know, a time when our souls manifest as light rather than in physical bodies – that Future-Becky was being helped and guided by Even-Farther-Future-Becky. This helps to clear up some of the inconsistencies in Future-Becky’s story, true, and maybe we should grant a dying man some clemency as he’s thinking about his mortality and the fate of the future. And yes, a lot of this is coming from me being like another ten years along from Mark dying, and more enlightened by nearly thirty years of societal progress since the story itself was written. But still, he wasn’t even fucking there.

Nonetheless, I really enjoyed rereading this story. It’s the tightest Pike’s written so far in terms of characters: technically, there are only three, leaving out the security guard and the cop at the end (who I think pretty much only exists because our dude can’t resist writing detective interrogation scenes). There’s almost no fat to cut, though the epilogue goes a little farther than is strictly necessary. And honestly, it was warmly nostalgic for my years of thinking I knew myself and what I wanted and needed and actually not knowing dick. That’s where Mark ends up, after all: not knowing, and realizing that’s OK. We might still wonder how this possibly came from the same dude who wrote revenge murderers and sexy lizard teens, but as we analyze what came next (and probably was written before and during this one), it’ll start to make sense. Maybe.

[beckythesooh]

About Rape

Kinda falling in line with my previous rant, I have issues with rape in an unexpected way.

I’m chronicling this on tumblr because I’m obviously unable and unwilling to talk with anyone about this in person. NSFW, TMI, and trigger warnings all around?

Anyways, last September, I was likely raped. I say likely because I’m still hesitant to label it like that because it is someone I know, but I’m pretty sure based on objective evidence of what I know about rape, it would file as rape. But it also hurts me to say I was raped, because it feels like I have am a victim that lost a big part of me—because that’s what being raped means in society—yet I don’t want to see myself that way.

So, I went drinking with someone I know, who is married. I just wanted to go drinking, because drinking is fun. I meet new people. I don’t often get seriously hit on and I never go home with anyone and I’m usually always in control of my body. 

But apparently my body doesn’t have a good control of red wine which I didn’t know until it blacked me out an hour after I had drank it.

Said married “friend” and I were talking to an American couple, stationed at a military base in Okinawa I think. And we went to another bar where I went to the bathroom halfway through, locked the door, and just collapsed on the floor. I blacked out and the wife came and found me and called the friend I was with.

I was partially carried (I don’t think I was piggybacked? But I was at least 75% supported. I could move my legs but not support myself with them) to my friend’s hotel because he said that it was nearby in comparison to my hostel. I cannot stand, there’s not way in hell I could look at my phone to determine if this was true to not, but it probably was. The couple also walked with us to make sure I was ok, but they left when we got to the hotel. The wife was really nice and I think so got me water or something? I just remember she was very kind and texted my friend the next morning.

Now, as always, I use the term friend lightly, as he was the husband of someone I worked with who was willing to drive my other friend and I through Shikoku. I had only talked to him like 4 times really. But really, I don’t expect people that seem human to abuse you when you’re unconscious, so...

Basically, I collapsed on his bed, and wanted to sleep it off. But for some reason he took it as “this is the chance to have sex with her.” And he took off my clothes and forced himself on me. During this time, I was conscious but not in control of my body. And so I distinctly remember saying だめ (no) like 5-10 times. But I’m half alive and still crazy drunk with no energy. My voice can’t sound strong. It sounds like a cutesy weak girl. And he ignored it, as expected. And I thought very clearly, “Oh, this is how it is to be raped.”

To be honest, I gave in, because I knew my body can’t move. I also didn’t want my mind to be “I HATE THIS. I HATE THIS. I’M SUFFERING.” So I pretended like it was just sex for the sake of pleasure, even though I was morally disgusted by—not the fact that I was being raped really—but the fact that he was married and I knew his wife and it fucking pissed me off that he’s not only cheating on his wife but by raping someone.

Anyways...... another side note, I also remember his fingers were rough, and I didn’t know if he actually put his penis in me so I thought that his penis was small. I confirmed with him later when sober if he put it in and I didn’t want to insult his pride so I didn’t say that but..... that shade is the only thing that amuses me. Though it’s legit.

Anyways, when I woke up, I still remembered everything (I’ve never lost my memory despite throwing up) and ran back to my hostel where my other friend was still at. And if I ever need witnesses in the future (though I don’t know if she’ll remember because she honestly forgets everything), she knew I was gone the entire night, she was worried about me, she know I felt like absolute shit, she was the one that helped me buy hangover medicine, and I told her I threw up in the hostel bathroom. Hopefully she’ll remember one of those facts since I don’t have the phone number of the couple (the guy does though), and the hostel won’t remember a girl throwing up on the men’s toilet floor (he was really chill about it so I guess it’s normal). The rest of the trip around we ignored what happened. I don’t want to force myself to be sad about something.

When we got back from the trip, I did call him out. But I’m unfortunately not good at being confrontational in public, so I waited until we were in a place without people too nearby. By this time and during the trip, it was clearly evident that he had an infatuation with me because he kept trying to touch me and hold my hand and took biased photos of me during the trip. Anyways, I told him that I did not give consent, I told him no many times, and that it’s messed up because he’s married. And like... he said sorry that he did something that bothered me, but he made it seem like he didn’t understand why him being married makes it even worse. And it made me so... I dunno if it’s upset or disgusted or disturbed that his wife is someone who I’ve had a similar number of interactions with. I told him I wanted to tell her to clear my own conscious, but like all douchebags, he starts guilt tripping me by saying that all his businesses will be taken from him and his marriage will be dissolved and he might as well die. And I don’t feel pity for him, but I feel.... a word beyond guilt-tripped. Not blackmailed, but like... the same feeling. Like “I know you’re not serious, but in the 1% chance my life actually does go to shit, this is all because of you.” 

Anyways, I listened to what was going on with him and his wife, but I ultimately I was like wtf do you even want. He and his wife are known to be the only couple in the social group that I know them in that act like they are strangers. Everyone has commented on it. But like based on his biased story, it sounds like they’re both bad at marriage and shouldn’t be married. It was such a Japanese couple where they’re business partners more than life partners, and they don’t even eat dinner together. I didn’t know if I pitied them or was disgusted or irritated or pissed—probably all. Ultimately he blamed their small apartment and said he thinks it’d get better when they move soon, and I was like whatever, doubt it, but fuck your shitty lives. I don’t feel kindness for idiots who decide that lifestyle for themselves.

While I can say it crudely and truly now, to his face I tried to be a nice human. With regard to my last post on girls who don’t say the truth, I can understand not being able to say 100% your true feelings. But when my mind was working right and I truly felt something, I never lied about it, I never said yes when I meant no, though my drunk or confrontation-avoiding tone often did fuck the meaning up to sound a lot nicer than I meant, or I stayed shut in insulting people.

With that said, here are the things that I regret. Japanese entrepreneurship is all about networking—not capabilities (yes, hard to imagine but true from everyone I’ve asked). I knew he had a lot of business connections and experience—all mutual friends kept telling me and literally all of them told me to ask him. So after all this mess, I called him out to ask him to teach me about business. Because we both like to drink, it would end up him refusing to teach me about business in a respectable regard, and instead he would want to flirt with me. I would let it happen because I’m used to letting it happen knowing that I can stop it if it gets too far—which I did despite many attempts to bring me to a love hotel. But I also let him hold my hand, and one time I let him kiss me because I was so drunk, tired, and enjoyed wallowing in his attention. That would probably be my top regret in life, and I’m really sad that I let that happen, even though in the big picture it pales in comparison to rape. But I did have control over that and leading him on after the fact. (I’ve realized I’m a hand holding whore. Literally anyone can hold my hand and I really don’t care, and it’s happened a lot.)

--------------

Anyways, going back to the original topic (sorta; this is all a ramble).

I think the guy who raped me is a horrible human being.

But as someone I know who is connected with a social circle that both of us are largely involved in, I don’t want to hurt him.

I don’t want to believe I’ve been hurt either. More than anything I’m hurt that I’ve been used to hurt his wife and I don’t have the courage to tell her because it would make a mess of a huge social circle. I’ll try to tell her when I leave that social circle and this country for good. If he were single, it wouldn’t have bothered me as much and I could have pretended it was part of the hookup culture.

But like... the rape culture... bothers me. Because I think what he did and all men who rape are obviously very very wrong and deserve to be punished. But like I do know that the guys who are convicted of rape... their lives get ruined from it. And for something that I believe I’m strong enough to not let dictate my life (or want to be strong enough not to, not that I know if that is the truth or not), I don’t want to ruin lives. Yet at the same time, I also think that for a lot of rapists who grew up with such a toxic mentality, destroying their life might be the only way to rebuild them. And like... the person who did it to me, if I talk to him of course he seems human. But I do know that his mind is fucked up. It’s so fucked up and I told him this and he ignores it. And like I don’t care if he dies or his life is ruined, but I also don’t like being the one that is responsible. That in itself feels like the guilt of committing a crime...

There’s where I’m at a standstill. In the past, I thought if I were being cheated on, I would want to know, so I would want to tell the wife for sure. But it’s just way too scary to start a hurricane of crazy, for justice that won’t make me feel better. I know I should think of it in terms of will the wife feel better knowing. But in all honesty, I don’t know. I don’t know if she’d the type that would be able to date, because she's pretty bad at getting truly close to people (I mean, me too so no judgment). Especially since they’re so Japanese in everything else, it just feels like they’ll continue to be a couple in name and not in emotions, because that’s how it’s done in Japan.

I didn’t tell anyone any of this because I didn’t want to make it a big deal. But I did want to chronicle this on tumblr or somewhere so that in the future if I do speak up about it, it wasn’t a sudden lie.

Anyways, I guess in summary.

1. I don’t like how people who are raped must be broken.

2. I don’t like how the only justice involves destroying lives, including possibly your own too—especially if I don’t want to consider my life destroyed from rape as it is. 

[sick-raven]

Ghosts of the Past - Chapter 5

Chapter 1 + warnings

AO3

Previous chapter

AN: This is the porn chapter.

Chapter 5

When Miranda dressed up, she wondered whether she is really this easy. Guy drugs you once or twice, calls you a bitch, gives you flowers, and you are ready to sit with him and hope for… what exactly?

What’s your point, Miranda?

Fun. She hoped for a little fun in her stupid dull life. She might be dead in few months, she can at least enjoy herself. And if it’s fun with handsome man, who can blame her? Psychotic? Please, she was worse than him. Using her? Yes, so was she.

No blame to pass. Almost sane and almost moral.

Scratches on her chest have already disappeared, she didn’t go with cleavage anyways. Modest Miranda Bradbury, she had image to uphold. And charm to hide. Leaving it in plain sight could tempt the professor to attack again. She wasn’t risking that.

“Unarmed?” reminded master.

“But ready,” opposed Miranda. Jonathan Crane was nothing without his toxins. She didn’t need a weapon.

Miranda laughed to herself. How do people prepare for dates? They sure don’t count weaponry. They count condoms and money! And here she is, thinking, where should she stab him if he tries to drug her again.

No knives! End of discussion!

Her phone buzzed. Time to go. She felt overdressed when she saw him. He always wears suit, it’s easy for him to fit in.

“Good evening, Miranda.”

“Professor.”

He looked her over but didn’t say anything. “Shall we?”

“Where are we going?” she asked.

“Nice place at the town centre, no need to worry.”

She grinned. “Not worried, just curious.”

He held the taxi door open for her. The driver seemed legit. Miranda wasn’t worried, just careful. Almost sane.

But Jonathan Crane didn’t lie. The car stopped in front of nice restaurant she wouldn’t normally go to. Not only was it expensive but also so posh it hurt her eyes after entering.

“Do you come here regularly?” she asked.

“Yes, I did some job for the owner and they treat me with huge discounts.”

“Do I want to know?”

“Not publicly.”

The evening went by fast. They talked about many things – Miranda didn’t realize she has so many hobbies except for killing. Nerd stuff, she would call it. Just nerding and killing, that was Miranda’s jam. Jonathan also surprised her with his interest in old folk tales and poems. He loved to sing. It didn’t fit his serious expression at all.

After food and two glasses of wine she finally asked: “Okay, so what’s your damage?”

He smiled. “You show me yours…”

“Oh, come on, you already know. I kill for money. I am crazy. Next.”

“You never told me how the ghosts started.”

She investigated her wine and played with a glass a little, letting the liquid flow around. “I am way too sober for that. You start.”

Jonathan also drank for that. “To put it simply, my grandma was abusive witch who used fear to control me. I killed her.” Miranda heard anticipation in his voice. She knew the feeling. You let someone see you and you are ready to be judged.

“That’s fucked up. I was only part of suicide pact.”

“I expect you failed.” His interest rose, maybe because he didn’t need to focus on himself anymore.

“Yes, the only one. Hence the ghosts. They blame me for not fulfilling my promise.”

“Interesting.”

“It is, actually. The whole ritual is involved.” She described it and Jonathan listened with open curiosity. “We were supposed to blow this shopping centre that was cover for drug den. And die during it. I just said fuck it and ran. I like my life, no matter how shitty it got.”

“We all need to find our focus,” agreed Jonathan.

“Yours is fear.”

“Which reminds me. Would you like to hear my new theory of how to help you?”

Miranda sighed. “Professor, it’s not worth it.”

“Please, it’s Jonathan. Hear me out.”

She finished her wine and asked for another. Then nodded.

“Thank you. I realize I approached it all wrong.”

“Through your own selfish plans,” she reminded him.

“Yes, that too. However, my plan did involve you awakening and overcoming your fear. Unfortunately, you are way too deep in no emotions land.”

“Poetic.”

“Don’t patronize me,” he smirked. “So, I figured, you need to awake all your emotions. Not just fear. I brought you something.” He put bottle of pills on the table. “These make normal people oversensitive. It overloads your nervous system, makes you twice as sensitive to any perception. I think this might help you get your emotions back partially. It’s my own formula.”

She stared him entertained. He gave back confused look.

“Are you giving me aphrodisiacs?”

Now he blinked surprised. He examined the bottle, frowned and then scoffed amused.

“You are correct, yes.”

Miranda took the bottle and shrugged. “I might test it later. Thank you, Jonathan.”

“Do not thank me. Save it when there are results.”

Miranda shook her head. “No, I don’t know what end you are following, but you wouldn’t have to pay attention to me. Neither try to help me.”

“Let’s say I like challenges and I am intrigued.”

“Are you also ready to lose?”

“I don’t accept failure.” He finished his wine. “Do you know where you can find even better alcohol?”

“Where?”

“My place.”

“I actually do know that,” she smiled mischievously.

“Did you snoop around my bar, Miranda?”

“I might have.”

“Then I have nothing to surprise you with.”

***

Jonathan didn’t lie, the alcohol was really good. Another trivia around mysterious professor. He wasn’t into low-quality stuff. Meanwhile Miranda didn’t mind drinking basically clear alcohol. She was able to appreciate fine tastes though.

Their conversation continued and they successfully avoided talking about their problems. Miranda appreciated that. Her life turned around ghosts. She was happy talking about anything else.

“No, really! From all the cities I like Gotham the most. It wakes up my inner Shelley,” she laughed.

“Percy or Mary?”

“Both, but I would probably be the one hiding the organs of my husband.”

The clock was showing almost midnight when she stood up. “I should head home. This was fun.”

“I agree,” said Jonathan looking her over. “We should do this again.”

Miranda nodded ready to turn to the door. She stopped in her steps and looked him straight in the eyes.

“Do you wanna fuck?” she asked.

If she surprised him, he didn’t let is show. “Excuse me?”

“You are looking at me like that all evening. Do you wanna fuck me? Because I would.”

Jonathan smiled. “No, sorry.”

“That’s fine. I’m just not used to hoovering around this like teenagers. Still had fun. See ya.”

“Goodbye Miranda.”

She went to hall and was reaching for a coat, when Jonathan forcefully grabbed her from behind and pinned her to a wall. She yelped by surprise. She moved, elbowed him to solar. Punch was big enough to force him to let her go.

She turned, grabbed him by the coat and pressed him against a wardrobe.

“You fuck,” she hissed.

Jonathan raised his hand in front of her face. Little pop and hiss were heard. From bracelet on his wrist a small cloud of toxin sprayed right into her face. Miranda closed her mouth and eyes, avoiding the mist.

When she looked back at him, his smile disappeared.

“Nose filters, you cunt,” she grinned. “I fucking knew it.” She grabbed his hand and hit it two times against the wardrobe. The bracelet broke. Then she threw Jonathan on the floor, he tried to get away, but one rib kick made him fall on his back. He moaned painfully. Miranda stepped on his neck.

“I am speechless,” she said. “If you wanted to die, you should have said so you crazy fucking bastard! What were you thinking? That I am some naïve bitch that will just let you do this? What did you want to do to me, huh?”

He held her leg, couldn’t breathe neither speak.

“Look at you. That’s what you wanted?” Miranda was pissed. She couldn’t explain why. Maybe because she really wanted this to be just innocent fun and let herself forget Jonathan is bonkers. “Look at you, you pathetic…”

She went silent. She noticed and all was clear now. “You sick…” she mumbled. “Really!? After I asked!” she pointed at his obvious hard on.

She stepped off and Jonathan was finally able to breathe. He coughed hard, holding his neck. His clear attire destroyed, hair messy, his smug gone. Miranda walked a little circle like a lion in the cage.

“I get it,” she laughed and squatted next to him. He didn’t break eye contact, still holding his neck. “You are intimidated by me.”

He frowned. Didn’t say anything.

“That’s what you do, huh, Jonathan? You go after naïve, stupid ones. Drug ‘em, fuck ‘em, use your authority to silence them. Tell me, how many students have you forced your dick in, hm? You are happy when they can’t fight you back, right? You wanna choke them while you cum inside them. Well you chose a wrong girl to try this on. Because I won’t have that.”

She stood up and fought need to kick him one more time.

“Scared of having one awake, are you.” Miranda turned to leave. This time she wasn’t afraid he will jump her. She taught him that lesson.

She put her coat on.

“Miranda, stop,” she heard him say. She grinned amused by his bravery. He dares to… “Look at me.” She turned. Jonathan ran fingers through his hair making worse mess than before. Only his looks showed evidence of her self-defence, his expression was back again. As if nothing happened.

“Undress.”

“What did you say?” she snapped.

“Don’t make me repeat myself.” He sat in his chair, watching her silently.

What the fuck is he thinking! He just did that! Can you believe it, Miranda!? Nobody ever had balls to do something like this to you! He tried to drug you and rape you and now he acts all high and mighty! Kill him. Now! Miranda? Miranda, don’t…

‘Shut up, reason, nobody cares,’ she thought. She threw the coat aside. Dress soon followed despite every sensor in her body telling her not to. Eventually she stood there only the charm on her neck.

“I thought so,” he said and let her guess whether he meant her obedience or scars covering her body. The gunshot wound hasn’t healed properly yet. “Come closer. No, that’s enough.”

Miranda stood two metres away from him. This no contact gave her anticipation. She was still angry but intrigued. Excited even. She will get what she wanted. Fun.

“On your knees,” he demanded, and she followed. She wondered where this will go. How far is he willing to take it? His excitement was still showing even though you wouldn’t read it from his face. She hoped for a night with him, just imagined it differently. Can’t get everything you want, Miranda.

“Look at yourself,” he scoffed awaking her anger again. “Intimidated by you? Don’t make me laugh. You are utterly boring and uninteresting.”

That motherfucking smug bastard…

“Boring even naked. Follows orders like some bitch. I am sure the students are better fucks than you. They are at least after something, so they try. You are just dull idiot who thinks she can throw a punch, so she is scary. No, you are not. You are on par with high school bully. Pathetic.”

Miranda grinded her teeth, face red. She was ready to jump on her feet and finish this once and for all. How dares he? Such humiliation!

“Angry, are we?” he smiled darkly. “There is the door.”

Miranda held her fists tight and didn’t break eye contact.

“Very well,” Jonathan kept smiling, “make me interested.”

Miranda grew uncomfortable. What? How? She tucked her hair behind her ears buying some time. No, being obscene wouldn’t work on him. They took it this far, Miranda won’t ruin the fun by going against the tide. She touched one of her scars instead. It ran along her ribs under her breast. “I have horrible taste in men, you could have noticed. My last boyfriend made me scream all night. The best I’ve ever had. He was also hidden serial killer turned on by stabbing. That I realized later. But he stabbed pretty good,” she smiled while running her fingers along the scar. Slowly moved them over the hip.

“Drunken fight. The lady at the bar took care of me. Licked the blood like a goddess. Not only the blood mind you. I get wet just thinking about her.” She didn’t give him the pleasure of touching any important spots, but she started to feel the need to. Red face stayed, anger left for now.

“And back… my back is horrible to look at. Cult whipping and self-flagellation were often. One guy loved to tear your clothes down and stuck his dick in you while he was torturing you. I told him no but looked forward to every meeting.”

Jonathan didn’t move a muscle. “And that one?”

Right between her breasts. Even now it was obvious stab wound. She caressed it in silence, looking for words. “It is… a sign.” She never thought about it. “That I am alive despite my best efforts not to be.”

“You didn’t do very good job,” he smirked.

“Today I’d beg you different.”

“Interesting,” he commented. “Do you feel proud of being a whore?”

“I feel proud of living as much as my problems allow me. I am sure you understand that, Jonathan.”

“It’s professor to you.”

She fell silent, her body unsure of what it wants. It wanted him, the blood flowed into her private parts making them hot and pulsing with need. But she also wanted to beat him where he sat to a bloody pulp. “Fine, professor,” she said slowly. “What is it then? Am I worthy of your attention?”

Jonathan waited for a minute letting her boil in silence. Judging her, investigating her body thoroughly as if she was some sort of meat on display. Her discomfort rose. Her needs too. ‘Say something,” she thought. ‘Anything! Call me a whore again!’

“I think,” said Jonathan finally and tone of his voice trembled her to the bone, “that if you ask very nicely, I will let you suck my cock.”

Miranda gasped and bit her lip. Showing him her anticipation like that was stupid. She shouldn’t have done that. Now he waited and she couldn’t deliver. Her mind wanted to talk so badly, but the words just wouldn’t come out of her mouth. ‘I have a shame after all,’ she realized amused.

“You want me to beg for goods I can’t even see?”

He kept smiling. The spark in his eyes grew with her defiance. “A bit picky for a concubine.”

“I am worth the money.”

Miranda wasn’t willing to budge, and Jonathan knew that. He didn’t bother with more words. He unzipped his pants and took his penis out. His erection made it stood waiting for action. He didn’t remove any of his clothing. Just a man in a suit with his dick out. Miranda felt her lower body tingle. She wanted this. Shame be damned.

“Please, let me do it,” she said eyes tracing the carpet.

“You aren’t even trying, Miranda.”

Damn his demands. How could she do this with a straight face? She couldn’t even look him in the eyes!

“Please, let me suck your dick.”

“No, I don’t think you want this bad enough.”

Her chest tightened as she rose her head. She had to look so desperate and pathetic and Jonathan loved it the damn bastard. And so did she, as the nervous feeling she didn’t have in years overcame her.

“Please, professor Crane, I want to suck your dick. However long you please. Let me do it.”

Jonathan left her in silence again as if he thought about her plea. As if he calculated whether she really was worth it. She waited for his words like nervous dog that needs to be given a sign to move. He let her shiver on the ground, embarrassed, red and wet.

“Very well,” he said finally acting like he gave up. “Come here. No. Don’t stand up.”

On all four she crawled to him. She stayed on the ground, Jonathan sitting high like some sort of deity. He enjoyed feeling of superiority, his dick twitched in anticipation.

She really wanted to boil him just like he did to her. Let him wait and show him he is not in charge. But he got to her. She couldn’t wait any longer. Miranda was a hungry animal and needed to be satisfied.

She grabbed his penis and steadied it as she licked the shaft from the bottom to the top. Her tongue tasted the saltiness of precum on the head. Jonathan was eyeing her, his breath not so calm anymore. She licked him more, down, up, making his cock wet and slippery. Then finally she took it in one go, all at once. Jonathan gasped and she felt victorious she made him do it. She wanted him to lose it just like she did.

Down and up, whole member in her mouth. Miranda was gasping for air after a while, her throat stiff, but she loved doing this. The taste was so wrong and so right. Saltiness and smell of a man.

Miranda let go for a while to calm her throat, she continued to rub his penis with hands. He was still watching, mouth just slightly open. She smiled happy for getting to him slowly but surely. He will be hers.

Miranda kept licking and sucking, occasional gasp motivated her to go faster and deeper. She wished he grabbed her hair and forced her down, just the thought of the act left her trembling. But he kept his hands on the chair.

“Enough,” Jonathan said after a while. Miranda stopped. “You are pretty good when you have your mouth shut.”

She decided to take it as a compliment. He grabbed her by a chin and made her stand up. Then he led her to sit on his lap. He didn’t go in yet. She rested her hands on his shoulders. “No touching,” he warned her. She grabbed the chair behind him instead putting her breasts close to his face. “That’s better.”

Jonathan slowly ran his hands over her body. He touched the scars first, he was very careful when caressing her collar bone, so he doesn’t awake overprotective charm beast. She shivered when he touched her neck, and she leaned in closer, but his hands slid down to her breast. He playfully pinched her nipples making her moan a bit.

Then his fingers ran lower and found a way to her crotch. Miranda bit her lip again as he slipped in her. “Look at me,” he demanded as he moved his fingers in and out at her clitoris and back in again. She tried, but she couldn’t take the feeling and look of his cold blue eyes. Her sight always wandered somewhere else with each pulse of pleasure.

“At me,” he repeated and turned her head to face him. The sensation was too much. The feeling of him in her made her crazy and his pleased face…

“Fuck me,” she moaned.

“No.”

“Please, just, ah… Professor, please, I beg you.”

“I don’t think I will yet,” he said with a grin. She started to tremble even more, she was so close to finish when he took the hand away.

“No,” she begged. He left her tense, on a brink of orgasm, her pussy pulsing and dripping, wishing to be full of his cock.

He held the wet hand in front of her. No words to be said. She started licking his finger, one after the other tasting herself.

“Good girl, Miranda,” he said softly and her heart jumped on the praise. She sucked his thumb and felt him comforting himself.

She moaned loudly finger still in her mouth as he thrusted in her. She felt him filling her. She supported herself on the chair and began to move on him. In one rhythm, in, out, she wished to scream loudly but he held her mouth shut. It felt wonderful, it was all she needed. So good. So full. So forceful.

He grabbed her hip with the other hand and forced her down even deeper. She moaned again. The hand on her face made her helpless. She wanted to shout be he had control of everything. Fucking her hard. God. Any second now. Any…

Muffled scream of pleasure made him go faster. Her insides started so spasm and she felt everything. Every nerve in her body made her flinch and only Jonathan held her in place. He groaned loudly as he came inside her at the same time.

Still trembling he finally freed her mouth. She couldn’t talk, the adrenaline was running through her, she still felt Jonathan’s dick inside her squirming. She enjoyed the moment with a pleased smile, lightheaded and tired.

Small movement stopped it.

“Hands where I can feel them, Jonathan,” she warned him.

He smirked and grabbed her breasts again.

“Attentive, aren’t you?”

“Just let me have this, you freak.”

He caressed her cheek and then brought her down for a kiss. She tightened in surprise. Strange feeling filled her as they kissed for a moment. Then he let go.

“Get off me.”

“I think your suit is ruined.”

“I will get that cleaned.”

She looked him in the eyes one last time. She let go of the chair and then she slapped him hard.

“That’s for trying to drug me again.” Then she finally stood up, he slid out of her. Her thighs were wet. This was great evening.

He was proper faster than her. He watched her getting dressed without comments. She wanted to say million things, but she better bit her tongue. Not that it would ruin a moment. Just too many words were said today.

“I apologize,” said Jonathan.

“Don’t apologize when you don’t mean it.”

“You are right. I don’t. I still want to experiment on you.”

“You are freak, Jonathan. I like that. See you around.”

“Don’t forget to take your medicine,” he laughed sincerely.

“Suck it,” she replied and left.

She had dreams of Scarecrow fucking her numb whole night.

Next chapter

[sethmacsexy20]

Misery Loves Company A Grim Birthday

The doctors did tell Ashley the chances were low that Jake would ever recover but she refused to give up on her son.  Neither did Seth.  The cop was in place.  Jake had to have surgery, the following day, as his brain was swelled and they needed to take the pressure off.  So, they performed surgery on him.  Ashley and Seth were very anxious waiting for their son.  Finally the doctor emerged and told them all went well.  They quickly went back to his room and was next to him again.  As the sun began to set, Ashley and Seth moved on the couch.  Ashley was sleeping against Seth as Seth just held her and watched over his son.  He was tired himself but his brain wouldn't shut down to give him the sleep he needed.  It was late but the last couple days was exhausting.  Seth slowly moved to set Ashley on the little couch.  He needed coffee and bad.  As he walked out of the room and told the cop, "I'll be back in a few."

The cop just nodded and Seth walked off.  He got on the elevator and leaned against the rail as he was exhausted.  Once it got to the floor, he moved off.  Just then, his cell ringed.  It was his sister.  He answered it.  "Hey, sis."

"Why are you in Atlanta?"  Rachael asked.

Seth was confused, "How did you know?"

"Twitter, asshole."  She cracked.

He chuckled, was the first time he did since Jake has been in the hospital.  "I had personal issues to deal with."

"With a girl?"  She asked.

"How..."

"Again, twitter.  There is a pic of you and her.  Who is she?"

Seth thought about when that could have happened and remember they did leave to get the restraining order and they both had other things on their mind that they probably didn’t realize anyone had snagged a photo of them.  "It’s a long story."

"Don't give me that shit."

"Look Rachael, I am not here having fun, I am here for more somber reasons."

"Is everything okay?"

Seth sighed.  "It's a long story."

"Okay, I have time."

"But I don't."

"Seth, you are acting weirder then normal."

"I can give you the summarized version but you cannot ask a lot of questions but I promise to explain everything later on.  Okay?"

"Okay."

Seth exhaled and said, "So, I have a son."

"Wait!  What?!"

"Rachael, I said I would explain in depth later.  Anyways, found out about him a month and a half ago, and not by the mother."  He walked in the cafeteria as he continued, "Charlize actually told me as she knew.  He is almost two.  Anyways, the mother married shortly well we conceived him and I mean like two days after.  So her husband though the kid was his cause she lead him to believe that.  But she also had good reason to, the man was an abusive asshole.  Needless to say, he found out and well, my son is in the hospital and it looks bad."

"Wow, I am literally don't know what to say."

"Yeah, well, like I said, it is a lot.  I promise, when I get back to LA, I will explain it more in depth."  He got his cup of coffee and paid for it, then walked off.

"You better.  You really have a son?"

"Yeah, I know, crazy right."

"Yeah, it is."

"Okay, let me go, I gotta get back to him."  He said through the phone as he walked out of the cafeteria.

"Okay, keep me updated on your son."  She said.

"I will.  Bye, Rachael."

She said her goodbye and he hung up as he got to the elevators.  Some people were getting on and he quickly got in as well.  He waited in the cramp elevator as it went up.  After a couple stops, it finally made it to the floor Jake's room was on.  He stepped off and started towards Jake's room.  He then heard loud talking, almost yelling and looked.  When he saw what was going on, his blood boiled.

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Ashley woke up on the couch, alone.  She didn't get much sleep and when she could, she didn't sleep long.  She realized Seth was gone, but she didn't worry about it as she knew Seth wouldn't go far.  She figured he needed a breather.  She moved off the couch and slowly moved over to her son.  She took his hand and sat in the chair.  She just stared at him for a few moments, then she heard almost yelling outside the hospital room door.  She got up and walked over to the door.  When she opened it, her skin went cold.  Derek was standing there as he yelled at the officer, who was refusing to let him in.  Derek saw Ashley and tried to get close to her but the officer stopped him.  He pleaded, "Please, Ashley.  Let me see him.  I need to see him."

Ashley got angry for the first time with him.  "No!  You did this to him!  You put him here!"

"I'm so sorry.  Please, just let me see him."  He pleaded.

Just then Seth stepped up and eyed Derek.  He said in an angry tone, "You need to go."

Derek looked at him and asked, angrily, "Who in the hell are you?"

"I'm Jake's father.  And right now, if I were you, I would just walk away after everything you have done."  Seth almost gritted his teeth in anger.

Derek looked at him.  "I remember you.  You were at Charlize's house when I got Jake and Ashley."  Then he looked at Seth up and down.  "So, you are the guy that she cheated on me with?"

"Go!"  All Seth said.

He looked at Ashley and said, coldly, "Fine, you can have the whore and the bastard child."

Seth was able to contain himself but now he lost it.  He grabbed Derek and punched him.  Derek went down.  Seth went after him but the officer quickly grabbed Seth to stop him.  Derek stood up as his lip was busted.  He yelled at the officer, "Just don't stand there!  He assaulted me, arrest him!"

The officer let go of Seth and looked at Derek.  "I saw nothing."

Derek got pissed as Seth smirked.  Then he stepped closer to him and the officer quickly went to intervene but Seth reassured him.  "I'm good."

The officer stepped back and Seth moved to Derek.  He then said, in a low tone, "You don't come back here, understand me.  We put a restraining against you and if you come near Ashley or Jake, you will go right back to jail.  And believe me that I will make sure when you go to trial, I will be there and I will make sure your ass sits behind bars.  And if Jake doesn't pull through, just know, I will make sure that you will never see the light of day.  That is a promise.  You might have money but I guarantee you that I have a hell of a lot more.  So, your money will not help you this time."

Derek's demeanor changed.  First he acted tough and was angry, but now he looked frightened.  Seth got a kick out of this so he smirked at him.  "Enjoy your freedom for the time being cause it won't last long."

Seth turned from him and walked towards and grabbed Ashley by the arm.  "Let's go."

They both walked back into the room and Ashley laughed as she closed the door behind her.  "That was amazing.  I have never seen him so scared."

Seth didn't smiled or laughed.  He was pissed.  He wanted to really hurt Derek so much when he saw him there, showing his face after what he did, pissed him off.  He then walked over to a hospital table and flipped it.  This startled Ashley and he yelled, "I can't believe that fucker showed up here after what he did to our son!  He has some nerve!  I wanted to kill him!"  He yelled even louder the last part as he punched the wall.

Ashley was scared.  She never saw Seth like this.  It scared her but she also knew Seth wouldn't hurt her.  She moved over to him as he still had his fist on the wall and breathing heavily from the anger.  She moved her hand on his arm and said, softly, "Baby, I know you want to hurt him for what he did to Jake but you can't let that get to you.  We have to focus on our son.  He needs us and needs us to be calm.  Your anger will take away that focus.  Please, for Jake."

Seth looked at him as his demeanor softened.  He quickly grabbed her and hugged her.  "You're right.  Just seeing him made me lose it.  I'm sorry, baby."

She wasn't use to someone calming down so quickly.  "It's alright, baby."  She looked up at him.  "I love you."

He looked at her and breathed, "I love you too."

He gave her a small kiss and pulled away from her.  He moved over to the bed and sat on the chair as he took his son's hand.  "I just want him to wake up.  Give us some hope that he will be okay."  He said, sadly.

Ashley walked up behind him and hugged him from behind.  "I know, baby.  I do too."  She then teared up.  "I'm just so scared.  What if he doesn't pull through."

She started to cry.  Seth turned to her and moved an arm around her waist.  He pulled her to him and sat her on his lap as he held her.  "Baby, we have to not give up hope.  He is strong, like his mother.  He just has to pull through."

She just stayed close as she cried in his arms.  

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A few more weeks went by and it was Jake's birthday.  Ashley was so somber as he still didn't wake up.  She didn't feel right that he was celebrating his second birthday like this.  She sat next to her son.  Seth walked into the room with a small cupcake with a candle in it.  He had a small smile on his face.  "What is that?"  She asked him.

"Well, our boy should have something for his birthday."  Seth told her.

"He isn't awake, Seth.  No point."  She said, sadly.

He frowned.  "Well, it will be good for us.  We still need to celebrate his birth." Ashley looked away.  Seth sighed and moved to her.  "Look, baby, this is my first birthday I get to celebrate of his.  This is shitty way to do it, I get that.  But we need this right now."

She sighed and said, "You're right.  We do.  But it's not the same."

"I know, baby.  I get that.  But this isn't good for us to put our life on hold.  We need to celebrate milestones, for us."  Then he light the candle and smiled at her.  "Blow it out, baby."

She gave him a small smile and looked at her son.  She said, softly, to Jake, "Happy birthday, baby boy.  Mommy loves you."

Then she turned back to Seth and blew it out.  Seth walked over to Jake and smiled at him.  He leaned down and kissed the top of his head.  He then said, softly, "Happy birthday, buddy."

Seth stood up and looked as Ashley.  "He looks better."

The swelling went down and the bruising lightened a lot.  Ashley smiled as she looked at Jake.  "He does."

He walked over to her and took her hand.  He pulled her to him and they walked over to the couch.  He sat on it and she moved on it, next to him and cuddled close to him.  "So, you are coming back to LA with me when Jake gets better?"

She smiled.  "Definitely."

"Good."  He smiled as well.  "I can't wait to have my boy and my woman with me all the time."

"I can't wait to always have you."  She said, softly.

Ashley ended up falling asleep and she woke up to Seth panicking.  "Baby, get up.  Something is wrong with Jake."

She quickly sat up and looked over as he was convulsing on the bed and the monitors went crazy.  She stood up in fear as Seth ran out of the room to get help.  The nurses came rushing in and Seth followed.  They began to work on him.  Seth moved over to Ashley and the doctor soon came in.  Once the convulsing stopped, he flat lined.  Ashley, instantly, panicked.  "No, no!  Not my baby!"  She became more upset and screamed, "HELP HIM!"

A nurse walked over to them and told them, "We need you two to leave so the doctor can work on him."

"No, I am not leaving my baby!"  Ashley screamed at her.  

Seth wrapped his arms around her waist and said, softly, "Baby, come on, they need to do their job."

"No.  NO!"  She tried to pull away but Seth held her tightly and pulled her out of the room.  They were now in the hallway as they watched in horror as the doctor and nurses were working on their son.  After several minutes, the doctor stopped.   "He's gone.  Call time of death."

Ashley heard it and tried to break out of Seth's arms as she screamed, "No!"  She began to sob uncontrollable and almost screamed in agony.  Seth held her tight as he began to cry.  Ashley's legs gave and Seth caught her.  Ashley screamed out as Seth moved them to the ground, "Not my baby!  Please, god, not my baby!"

Seth held her tightly as she sobbed and he cried at the pain he felt.  They sat on the ground as they both cried and Seth held her.  They just lost their child and the pain consumed them both.  They felt a pain that no parent should and together, they cried as their son was now gone.

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