#last time i saw him was at a funeral for my great grandma on that side of the family

[jacqcrisis]

Lmao looks like my deadbeat sperm donor finally got a job that doesn't pay him under the table. Took 31 years for him to start paying child support, but better late than never I guess.

[munson-blurbs]

Single Dad!Eddie x Fem!ReaderSeries

1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10

Summary: Grandma's funeral brings out a side of Ms. Sweetheart that Eddie hasn't ever seen, leaving the two of them questioning everything they've built up together.

Warnings: funeral service (I tried to keep it as neutral as possible so it could apply to any religion), mentions of cause of Grandma's death, failed attempt at sex, pretty much all angst sorry

WC: 5.1k

Chapter 10/20

Divider credit to @saradika Harris's note credit to @girlwiththerubyslippers

Eddie can’t remember the last time he went to a funeral. It might’ve been for one of Wayne’s friends, or a distant great-aunt twice removed. He doesn’t even own a proper suit for such an occasion; everything he’s wearing actually belongs to Wayne. He smooths down the creases in his black slacks; the material of anything other than worn denim is foreign against his legs. The elbows of his coat jacket are patched, and he slides his palms over them in embarrassment.

He takes a seat in one of the back rows, trying to remain as inconspicuous as possible while the other mourners file in. There’s a pit growing in his stomach as his gaze swoops to the coffin resting at the front of the room. The realization that Grandma was inside was almost too much for him to handle, and he’d only met her a month ago. He hadn’t known her when she was…herself, but he saw glimpses of her now and again. The last time he was over for a Wednesday night dinner, she rested her head on his shoulder as though she’d done it a million times. You’d mouthed sorry, but Eddie had simply smiled and let Grandma stay there as long as she wanted. If he was being honest, he felt special, knowing that she was comfortable with him.

Eddie’s eyes are only drawn from the casket when he sees you walk among your family. He immediately takes note of your face, normally soft and vibrant, now stoic and emotionless. It’s a sharp contrast to your relatives, who wear their grief through bloodshot eyes and tear-stained cheeks. The hymn playing in the background fades out as a man speaks up at the podium. 

Eddie’s barely listening, keeping his attention on you. He watches your mouth move as you recite the prayers along with the rest of your family, though he’s only half-listening to them. He’s never been one for organized religion, but he echoes the closing statement when everyone else does. 

That’s when you stand up, smoothing down your dress at the back of your thighs, and walk towards the front of the room. You’re clutching a piece of paper in your hand, which Eddie notices is slightly trembling. He locks eyes with you, dragging his teeth along his bottom lip and offers the smallest of encouraging smiles. You acknowledge it with a tiny nod in his direction before taking a deep breath and beginning the eulogy. 

“Um, h-hi.,” you start, stumbling over your words awkwardly. You clear your throat and try again. “Thank you all for coming to honor and remember Grandma. It’s evident that she meant a lot to so many people. 

“When I was writing this eulogy, I kept thinking about who she was as a person.” You don’t let your gaze drift from Eddie’s, and you could swear that he’s the only force keeping you from crumbling to the ground in a heap of grief. “For a lot of us, we wonder what ‘big thing’ will define our lives. The occasion that people will remember us by, you know? But with Grandma, there wasn’t one ‘big thing.’ Her life was a series of little kindnesses that she made sure to sprinkle into her everyday life. Like, when I was a kid, my dad broke his ankle. My mom couldn’t leave me home alone, so Grandma drove him to and from the hospital and stayed with him while he waited. She always took care of us. 

“One of my favorite memories is how she would bring me a bouquet of flowers after every dance recital I was in. She’d be waiting for me by the stage door with a big smile on her face, telling me what a great job I did, even if I totally messed up…she was the best. All she wanted was for the people she loved to be happy. 

“And that’s what I associate with Grandma—love. How much I loved her, and how much she loved us. Just a few weeks ago, she was sharing Oreos with the kid I tutor, and it reminded me of how she used to be with me.” At that line, Eddie feels his lip quiver, tears dampening his lashes, and he ducks his head to keep you from seeing him break. This time, it’s more for your sake than his, since you’re leaning on him to remain upright. “I encourage all of you to find the little kindnesses in life, and to be the kindness in someone’s day. 

“Grandma, you are already so missed. I hope you’re seeing the values you instilled in each of us. Rest easy. We’ll take it from here.” The only sounds in the entire room are the heels of your shoes clacking on the floor and sniffling from nearly everyone else in the congregation. You take your seat quietly, bowing your head as though trying to hide.

The rest of the service is a blur of hymns and prayers; nothing, Eddie notes, nearly as moving as the eulogy you gave. He barely notices when the people around him start moving, keeping a watchful eye on you. You’re trying to blend in amongst your black-clad relatives, but Eddie has no problem finding you. He cranes his neck just in time to see your family make a right through the doors, while you pivot left. 

Instinctively, his hands tuck into his pants pocket as he fumbles for his cigarettes and lighter. He has no idea what to say to you, no idea where to even begin. He needs a smoke or three to clear his head before he sees you and stammers out some half-witted acknowledgment of your loss. There’s no time for that; however, because as soon as he steps outside, he sees you sitting on the steps. It’s freezing outside, but your arms are bare, and Eddie can see the prickle of goosebumps lining your skin.

“What are you doing out here by yourself?” he asks, drawing your attention as he takes a seat next to you. He shrugs off his own jacket, placing it over your shoulders without a second thought. 

You offer him a sad smile, tugging the coat so it covers more of you. You didn’t realize how cold you were until you felt the contrast of his body heat. “Trying to avoid my family,” you admit, placing your hand over Eddie’s. “Could you take me home? I got a ride here from my uncle, but I really don’t want to go out to eat with everyone.” They’re probably arguing over where to get lunch right now, acting as though their matriarch isn’t about to be lowered into the ground.

“You sure?” Eddie’s eyebrows pinch together in concern. “I mean, I don’t mind, but I don’t want to take you away from them or anything.” He can picture the sneers he’ll receive, a pit forming in his stomach.

You remain unfazed to the conundrum he faces. “Trust me, you’d be doing me a favor. I can’t…” your voice catches, so you restart your sentence. “I can’t sit there while everyone’s smiling and laughing. That’s what happens when an old, sick person dies; people don’t even try to hide their relief. I need…I need to be alone.” You tuck your lips inside your mouth, attempting to bury your feelings.

Eddie nods, reaching over to take his keys out of the jacket you’re now wearing. “Yeah, no, I get it. We can get outta here.” He stands up, takes your hand in his to help you to your feet, and leads you to the car as inconspicuous as possible. The last thing either of you need is to be confronted by one of your relatives.

The two of you sit in the car quietly, without even the radio on. Eddie can’t remember the last time he’s had a silent car ride; he either has music playing, Harris yammering his ear off, or a combination of both. He keeps his hands at ten and two, internally debating whether or not to rest one on your knee. It wouldn’t be a sexual thing, not even close, but he doesn’t want you to get the wrong idea. His grip remains steady, the hum of the engine is the only sound.

You take this time to study him, taking in the crow’s feet that line the edges of his eyes, the tiny patch of stubble that he’d missed while shaving, the slight dimple in his chin. You try and turn before he can catch you, and though your efforts are fruitless, he doesn’t quite call you out on it. “Y’good?”

“Y-Yeah,” you stutter, smoothing a part of your dress that isn’t wrinkled. “Could you come inside for a little while? I thought I wanted to be by myself, but I really want you to stay.”

You really want him to stay. Not just that you need company, but you want him specifically. The notion sets all of Eddie’s nerve endings alight. “‘Course,” he replies, perhaps a bit too casually to cover up his excitement over the realization that he brings you some form of comfort.

When he pulls into the apartment complex’s parking lot and shuts off the ignition, he takes the opportunity to hold your hand again. It’s so much different than when he held it a few days earlier on your date, when there was an atmosphere of joy and hope. Now it’s like he’s pulling you along, like his lead is what has you placing one heel-clad foot in front of the other.

You unlock the door, accidentally leaving the key within its latch, and Eddie quietly removes it and places it on the table. His fingers ghost your biceps to remove your–his–coat from your body, but you just pull it on farther like a safety blanket.

“Y’want coffee? ‘M gonna put on a pot,” you offer quietly, already heading over to the kitchen. You scoop out a serving of coffee grounds for you, inhaling the hazelnut scent before dumping it into the basket, glancing over at him for his response.

“Uh, yeah, sure,” he nods, and you put another scoop in before filling the carafe with tap water. With a flick of the power button, the Black + Decker rumbles and kicks on, and the drip drip drip of coffee fills the room.

You grab two mugs from the cupboard and place them on the counter. “How’d you even find out about the funeral?” 

Eddie walks over, though he feels as though he can’t get close enough. He just wants to hold you tight and never let go, but you’ve put up some sort of barrier that he can’t quite interpret. “Oh, um, I asked Byers. I hope you don’t mind–I tried calling you, but it said the line was disconnected.”

Your cheeks burn. “That was Grandma.” Eddie looks confused–rightfully so–and you elaborate. “The morning that she…she got annoyed with the phone ringing, so when I wasn’t looking, she took the scissors and cut the wire.”

Eddie’s jaw drops in disbelief. “You’re joking.”

“I wish I was. I left the house for a few minutes to get a new phone, and when I came back, she’d fallen asleep and…” you swallow thickly, rummaging through the refrigerator for the tiny carton of half-and-half, “…and she never woke up. First call I made with the new phone was to 9-1-1, but it was too late.” Too late. That’s what the EMTs told you: I’m sorry, but it’s too late. 

“Oh, Sweetheart. My sweet girl…” Eddie’s heart lurches, and he instinctively reaches out to you. One hand lays between your shoulder blades while the other rubs up and down your spine. He’s careful not to let it drop too low, never going past the small of your back. Though you’re pressed flush to his chest, there’s still a strange disconnect between you. 

Despite every urge you have to cling to him, you pull away and shove a teaspoon into the sugar bowl, sliding it towards him on the counter. “S’okay. I mean, it’s not, but…they said she’d had a heart attack. If I didn’t get the phone, I wouldn’t have been able to call for an ambulance anyway.” The dripping of the coffee maker slows as it finishes brewing. “Only thing I could do is go back in time and stop her from cutting the wires, and Melvald’s was all outta time machines,” you joke, but it falls flat.

Eddie frowns, crossing his arms over his chest as he leans against the countertop. “You don’t have to do this, y’know.”

“I’m sorry?”

“Pretend like you’re alright,” he explains, voice hardly louder than a whisper. He tucks a lock of hair behind his ear.

You feel an anger rising within you, though you’re unable to pinpoint its origin. “I am alright,” you insist through gritted teeth.

Eddie shakes his head, peering at you through his impossibly long eyelashes. “It’s okay to be sad–”

“Don’t you get it, Eddie?” You cut him off with a snap, slamming the coffee pot down so harshly that it almost cracks. “I’m not sad. I’m not relieved. I’m not anything. My grandma just died, and I don’t feel a goddamn thing! It’s like I’m some kind of monster.”

“Hey, hey, c’mere.” He hugs you again, holds you even tighter than before as he kisses the top of your head. “You’re not a monster, ‘kay? I promise you.”

You look up at him, not quite believing his words, but you press your lips to his. He kisses you back gently; timidly even, but you deepen it and graze his tongue with your own. Your left hand weaves its way through his messy curls and your right fumbles with his belt buckle, but you’re unable to unhook the clasp before he steps back.

“What’re you–” His eyes widen and he puts his hands up to avoid touching you, clearly confused by your behavior. If you had the capacity to be honest with yourself, you’d admit that you’re not sure why you’re doing this, either.

“Please, Eddie,” you beg, trying to reconnect your lips with his, but he just pulls away again. “Please, I…I need this. I need you.”

“If we sleep together for the first time right now, while you’re like this, you’ll regret it,” he says.

You don’t deny the accusation; instead, you double down on it. “Okay, so I’ll regret it! I’ll feel regret, but at least I’ll feel something!” Your trembling fingers brush against his shirt, trying to grab onto it and bring his body to you, but he turns with a scoff.

“You’d really be okay with that?” There’s unmistakeable anger in his tone, but it’s laced with something more than that; something that sounds more like hurt. “Regretting our first time together?”

“Didn’t we almost fuck on your couch the night we met? You didn’t even know my last name. You barely knew my first name.” Your words are biting, thick with malice. “When did you become so averse to meaningless sex?”

“Meaningless?” Eddie balks, digging his fingernails into his palms until they leave crescent-shaped marks. His lips contort into a perplexed grimace as he formulates a response. “I, um, I gotta go. I’ll call you–”

“Yeah, I’ve heard that line before, and I’m not falling for it again.” You can’t stop the words before they’re tumbling from your mouth, and you can’t take them back. “Shit, Eddie–”

“Just—don’t say anything else, ‘kay? I’m leaving.” He turns around, digging into his back pocket. “This is for you. From me and Harris.” He tosses a piece of notebook paper, folded into fourths, onto the end table and closes the door with a slam.

You stand there, dumbfounded at what just occurred–mostly at your own actions. When you move towards the paper, you realize that you’re still wearing Eddie’s suit jacket, and you yank it off and throw it to the ground, leaving it in a heap. You open the note and read, vision blurred from the tears threatening to spill over.

The innocent kindness of a little boy is all it takes for you to break down and cry, muffling your sobs in your palms though there isn’t anyone around to hear them. Grandma was gone. You’d chased Eddie away with the same vitriol he’d spewed at you that day at the record store. You’re really, truly alone.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” you chant to no one in particular. You’re sorry to Grandma, for leaving her home alone. You could’ve asked Jess to run out and get a new phone, but you’d needed a break from Grandma’s anger that was always directed towards you. That morning, after you’d discovered the cut phone line, there had been another argument over taking her medication, and she yelled “I HATE YOU!” at the top of her lungs. Then she sat at the table and ate a bowl of cereal like nothing had happened. Instead of taking a deep breath and brushing it off, you’d grabbed your keys and headed to RadioShack. You could’ve driven there, it would’ve made the trip much faster, but you’d decided to walk. The fresh air would do you good, you told yourself, pushing away the full truth of the matter: you’d desperately needed to be away from Grandma. When you got back, she was laying on the couch, and you would’ve sworn she was only sleeping…

You’re sorry to Eddie. Sorry that he’d wasted his time with someone who resorted to dredging up the past as soon as she felt an ounce of anger and rejection. Someone who insisted that he could trust her and then promptly shattered that rapport once he’d let his guard down.

And for a split second, you allow yourself to feel sorry for you. Sorry that you couldn’t even grieve properly without feeling like you didn’t deserve it, because if you were home, Grandma might still be alive. 

You look down at the card one more time, choking out a laugh through your tears at Harris’s offer to share his grandpa. It dawns on you that you’ll either have to stop tutoring him or continue to see Eddie on a weekly basis. Everyone who comes in contact with me gets entangled in my problems, you note miserably. Eddie’s finally getting his life together and I’m fucking it all up. He deserves better than me.

Maybe it’s a good idea to leave Hawkins and go back home, at least for the holidays. You’re not sure what type of celebrations the family will muster up, but it’s better than being alone with your thoughts. And if you never return, that might be best for everybody.

The bell above the drugstore door chimes as Eddie pushes his way in. He smoked out his remaining cigarettes on the drive over, and he’s desperate for another pack. He makes a beeline for the back wall, plucking his usual Camels from the display. “Perfect,” he mutters, though his lungs would certainly disagree.

As he shuffles towards the cashier, he spots a familiar face in one of the aisles. His lurking cowardice screams at him to run away, but he shoves it deep down and talks anyway. “H-Hey, man. How’s it going?”

Jeff turns around, first bewildered at who’s speaking to him, then tensing up when he sees Eddie standing before him. “Can’t complain. Just getting some of these prenatal vitamin things for Viv,” he replies tersely, shaking the bottle to emphasize his statement.

There’s an awkward silence before Eddie speaks again. “Look, um, I’m really sorry about what happened at our last show.” He rubs the back of his neck and winces at the memory. “What I said, what I didn’t say…you’re gonna be a great dad, dude. Like, the best. I was just jealous, but that’s not an excuse to be an asshole.”

“Jealous?” Jeff cocks an eyebrow incredulously, willing Eddie to continue.

“Yeah,” Eddie nods, shamefully averting his gaze. “You’re bringing a kid into a stable household, and I couldn’t do that for Harris. I don’t regret having him, of course, but I’ll always feel guilty about the shitshow he was born into.” He taps the pack of cigarettes on his palm, biting his lower lip to shut himself up. “Anyway, I gotta get home—”

“Eddie Munson?” He turns around to see a young woman standing behind him. Her low-cut top shows off the top of her breasts, cleavage pushed up by a bra, and her jeans hug every curve. She purses her pink-glossed lips together in a flirtatious smile.

“Y-Yeah?”

“I’m Lisa.” She says this like Eddie should already know this, and he’s embarrassed to admit to himself that he can’t place the name or face. “We hooked up last summer at the Hideout? In the men’s room?” Lisa lowers her voice seductively to whisper that detail. “I haven’t seen you there in a while.”

“Oh, yeah.” There have been multiple men’s room hook-ups, but he’s not about to play detective to figure out exactly who she is, so he plays along. “The band’s been on a bit of a…hiatus, I guess.” From his peripheral vision, he can see Jeff ducking his head, and his cheeks burn with the truth.

Lisa juts out her lower lip in an exaggerated pout, though Eddie knows it’s all for show. “That’s too bad.” She lets her hand rest on his chest, leaning into him and twirling a strand of his hair around a polished fingernail. “If you’re not busy tonight, I’d love to have you over for drinks and…dessert? Recreate that night at the bar, minus the urinal?”

Eddie moves her arms from his vicinity, putting a necessary space between them. “Um, n-nah. No thanks,” he clarifies. “I’m, uh, kinda involved with someone, so…”

She remains undaunted, a small chuckle escaping her throat. “I can keep a secret. She doesn’t have to know.” She takes another step forward to close the gap, and he’s so goddamn tempted, but he shakes it off. He doesn’t have a clue what’s going to happen between you and him, but he knows he’s not going to sabotage any potential relationship.

“Well, I’ll know,” he retorts, “and I’ll feel like shit about it.”

Lisa rolls her eyes. “Whatever. Your loss.” She pivots on one heel and mumbles something under her breath that Eddie doesn’t even bother to interpret.

Jeff looks at Eddie with an amused grin as he shifts his weight from one side to the other. “So, you’re involved with someone?” He knows from what Jess has told him that Eddie went on a date with you a few days ago, but he couldn’t gauge the seriousness of the situation.

“I think so. At least, I was, until about fifteen minutes ago.” He relents and fills Jeff in about everything that happened, from your conversation over steaming coffee mugs, to the amazing kiss you’d shared as snowflakes collected on your eyelashes, to the unexpected confrontation after Grandma’s funeral today.

Jeff sighs, but it’s one of sympathy, not exasperation. “You did the right thing,” he says finally.

“I don’t think anyone’s ever said that to me.”

“Shut the fuck up,” Jeff laughs, punching him playfully on the arm. “I’m serious. And you did the right thing just now, too, with that groupie.” He clears his throat. “Viv’s baby shower is in a couple weeks. Ladies only, y’know, but I could use some help loading all the gifts into the car. And we could grab some lunch beforehand, if you want.”

Eddie nods. “Yeah, that would be great. Might have to let Harris tag along, if that’s all right.” He doesn’t want to keep asking Wayne to babysit, no matter how much the old man insists that he doesn’t mind.

“Of course. You know that little man is always welcome.” Jeff says, walking towards the register. “I’ll call you with the details.”

Eddie hesitates, letting his friend pass him by a few paces before he calls out. “Jeff?”

“Yeah?”

“What do I do about…” Eddie trails off, unwilling to finish his sentence. He feels absolutely ridiculous having this conversation in the middle of the drugstore, but he’s desperate not to fuck this up further.

Jeff scratches at his stubble with his free hand, contemplating the options as only someone who’s been in a long-term relationship and hasn’t had to navigate the nuances of a fresh relationship in ages can. “Give her some time; a few days, at least. She’s going through a lot. She needs her space, y’know, to figure things out.”

It’s not the answer Eddie was hoping for; patience has never been his forte. He wishes that Jeff would have told him to chase after you, to go get the girl and make sure she knows how much she means to him. But he knows that his friend is right, and he acknowledges his response with a small smile. “Thanks, man.”

“See ya around, Ed.”

Eddie unlocks his apartment door, new pack of cigarettes in one hand and a pint of Ben & Jerry’s tucked under the other arm. He doesn’t usually splurge on ice cream, but every romantic comedy cliche has instructed him that it’s the perfect remedy for heartbreak. If that’s even what this is, he thinks, but he knows it’s true. After doing everything in his power to prevent it, he’d allowed you to break his heart. And as he shoves a spoon into the container of Devil’s Food Chocolate, it dawns on him that he’d do it all again.

He’d come to your rescue and pick the lock of Grandma’s bedroom door. He’d sit around the table and eat pizza with you, Harris, and Grandma every Wednesday night. He’d drive to your house with store-brand cookies and watch cheesy Thanksgiving movies with you just to see the smile on your face. He’d take you out for coffee and kiss you in the snow a thousand times over. And he’d go to Grandma’s funeral and drive you home and turn down your offer for sex and break his own fucking heart again and again if it meant protecting you.

He shimmies out of his starchy dress pants and unbuttons his shirt, leaving himself in just a white undershirt and his boxers as he sinks deeper into the sofa. He reaches over for the remote–now that he works when Harris is in school, he rarely has time to watch something that he actually enjoys–and notices the phone’s red flashing light indicating that he has a new voicemail.

He presses play with a clumsy finger on the button, expecting Wayne’s gruff voice or a reminder for an overdue bill. When he hears that it’s you, he sits up straight, nearly dropping his ice cream.

“Hi, Eddie. It’s me. I’m so sorry for what happened earlier. I’m sure you’re probably mad, but I just want you to know…it wouldn’t have been meaningless. It wasn’t meaningless the night we met when it was supposed to be meaningless.” You take a deep breath. “I’m going back home for the holidays. Um, I’m not sure when…if…I’m coming back, but before I leave, I had to apologize for what I said. You’re a great guy, Eddie. I hope you know that. Have, um, have a nice holiday. Okay, bye.”

Eddie remains still, a loud silence enveloping the room once the machine relays that he’s reached the end of new messages. He’s dissecting every word you’d uttered, replaying them over and over. 

It wasn’t meaningless the night we met when it was supposed to be meaningless. 

So you’d felt it, too; that spark much stronger than the usual lust that overcomes him during hookups. And while he’d tried to convince himself that he’d only asked you to cuddle, had you stay over out of post-sex, post-show delirium, he can’t deny the truth any longer.

He’d asked because he felt comfortable around you, like he could hold you forever and whisper secrets that scare him to even admit to himself. Maybe it was because you’d seen Harris’s car seat that night and hadn’t run for the hills, or maybe it was the way you’d kissed him like he was worth savoring. And the morning after, when he’d all but chased you out of the apartment…Christ, you didn’t deserve that.

I’m not sure when…if…I’m coming back. 

The ‘when’ he could handle, but that ‘if’ was a weight on his chest. He questions his actions for a moment–should he have slept with you? Showed you how wanted and cherished and safe you were with him? Given your mind a chance to wander from the grief choking it? But Jeff said he had done the right thing, and considering the man was engaged with a baby on the way, Eddie figured he had to know something about women.

You’re a great guy, Eddie. I hope you know that.

Is he? He’s certainly a better man than when you’d first met him, but is he actually a great guy? He’d bought you coffee and didn’t fuck you when you were too vulnerable to truly consent–is that what constitutes greatness, or is he just a step above a piece of shit?

And, of course, part of him is angry. Not only because you were so easily willing to use him–although that realization definitely stings–but mostly because you’d thought he’d want to. After everything you two had been through, did you truly believe that he’d be unbothered? That he’d throw away all of that progress just to get his dick wet? Is that how little you think of him? Eddie doesn’t want the answer.  

The ice cream is melting, so he forgoes the spoon and just takes a swig from the pint. He licks the chocolatey residue from his lips before standing up to put the carton in the freezer. Tacked onto the refrigerator is Harris’s picture from Halloween where Eddie and Ms. Sweetheart are holding hands.

He plucks it from under the magnet, staring at it intently. The memory of his son and his uncle asking him about you, that pretty like a princess remark, the unfurling realization that he felt things for you that he’d thought he was incapable of feeling. He never should have taken their ribbings, inadvertently getting his hopes up that there was something there worth pursuing.

Without thinking, Eddie crumples the paper in his fist, crushing the family portrait into a ball. “Shit,” he mutters, placing it on the table and smoothing it out as best as he can. His hands glide over the drawing, rubbing over every crease until it looks good as new and Harris will be none the wiser.

But Eddie knows what’s been destroyed. What he doesn’t know is whether or not it can be smoothed out.

--

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[uglypastels]

You're On Your Own, Kid / A Munson Story

a/n I got this random idea today of "what if Eddie had a long lost sister" and thought it would be fun to just drabble away at it, but the drabble got longer and I got more and more invested in these two dorks, so yeah, I might write more about them if anyone is interested..

word count: 2031

warning: swearing. Mentions of troubled families. not much else[?]

Taglist Temporarily Inactive - Masterlist - Requests through Inbox

When the Hawkins gang met Eddie, the first thing they learned about the Hellfire Club leader was that he was a talker but rarely talked about himself. He can go on for hours talking about DnD campaigns or the latest fantasy book he's read [and don't get him started about the upcoming Metallica album. He will not shut up,] but he rarely reveals anything about himself. Learning about his past was more of a scavenger hunt of his life story's tidbits rather than... a story.

The worst part was that Eddie did not even realise he had done this. Perhaps he assumed everyone knew everything about him (since most act like that anyway, accusing him of shit left and right.)

Thus, moments like this happened as Eddie was talking about how he needed to fix his car because the last time he drove it, it shut down in the middle of the road.

"Made me think of the time my dad's car flunked and he send me and my sister out to find someone to call for help since we didn't have a phone."

"What?" Robin asked.

"Yeah, we had to walk like fice miles until we ran into some shack. Nice lady lived up there. She gave us cookies." Eddie shrugged, reminiscing.

"No, no that," Nancy clarified Robin's question. "You have a sister?"

"Oh. Yeah." Eddie just blinked. "Didn't I tell you guys?"

A collective No erupted all around the room. So, Eddie was forced to tell them everything about you. How you were only a year younger than him, always a pain in the ass, but a great sport to tag along in all of the shenanigans that he came up with as a kid. The two of you were inseparable until your dad landed in jail for the one too-manyeth time, and you were separated.

"I went to live with our uncle, while she went upstate to live with our grandma. She would have taken us both but her house smelled too much like sauerkrout."

"Do you still see her?" Steve asked.

"My grandma? No, she died last year."

"Your sister." Steve said, failing to hide the exhaustion caused by the conversation.

"We used to visit each other every summer and all the school holidays, but you know, as we got older, we just grew apart, I guess. Last year, she went off to college, then granny died so we saw each other at the funeral, said we’d call but neither of us did… and we haven't really talked since." Eddie started finicking with a loose thread on his ripped jeans as a moment of heartfelt silence fell across the room. 

 Robin broke through that flawlessly, however. ‘So, call her now,’ she called out. Eddie looked up at her, bewildered. 

‘What, like right now?’ 

‘Yeah, invite her over to stay for the summer. I’m sure she’ll be glad you have re-entered civilisation and made some new friends.’ Robin’s eyes grew in size with excitement as she declared all the new plans, and the rest listened intently, whether they wanted to or not.

And that’s more or less why you were woken up in the middle of the night by the phone ringing. 

‘Hullo?’ you grudged out, wiping the sleep out of your eyes. ‘Hey, Judes.’Your brother’s voice came from the other side quietly, not at all what you were used from him… not that you were used to hearing anything at all these days. 

‘Hey, everything alright?’ You checked the alarm clock next to your bed. Why the hell was your brother calling you at 1 am? 

‘Yeah, yeah, everything’s fine. I’m just with some friends and—’ 

‘Let me stop you right there,’ you cut him off, ‘are you either A) dying or B) in prison?’

‘No, I’m fine.’

‘Then why, in god’s damned name, are you calling me at this fucking hour?’ There was a moment of silence. Some mumbling on the other line, followed by a hushed curse as Eddie presumably checked the clock and finally realised what time it was. 

‘Shit, sorry. I didn’t even realise it was this late, like I said I’m just hanging out with some people.’

‘Figured.’ You grumbled, letting your head fall back onto your pillow. ‘I’m hanging up now, E–’

‘No wait!’ He shouted hard enough to wake you up again, as well as all your neighbours. ‘I wanted to ask you something.’

‘Then just do it. I’m trying to sleep.’

‘Would you want to come back to Hawkins for the Summer?’

‘Why the fuck would I want to go back to Hawkins?’ The sweltering heat was nothing to be missed, and the last time you were back in your hometown, the most interesting thing that happened was a man getting attacked by an owl. Of course, you missed your older brother and waited with a heavy heart for the day that he himself left that shithole to pursue the dreams you knew he still had. 

‘My friends want to meet you.’

‘I’ve been to like 5 of your “concerts”, you dork. I know all of your friends.’ Your eyes were getting heavier by the second, and all your energy was being used to remember to hold up the phone to your face and respond to whatever nonsense Eddie was spewing on the other end of the line. 

‘No, I uhh— I made somed new ones, believe it or not.’

‘No fucking way. At your grown age?’

‘Fuck off.’

‘No, fine, I’ll come. Will have to check with work but I’ll let you know this week.’

‘Ok, cool.’

‘Cool.’

‘Cool.’

‘I’m going to sleep now.’ 

‘Cool.’

‘Fuck you.’ And with that, you hung up. Not even five seconds later, you had dozed back off. 

Simultaneously, Eddie hung the phone back on the wall, feeling both as if a weight had fallen off his shoulder and as if he had just swallowed a giant boulder and was sinking to the bottom of Lover’s Lake. 

He turned around towards the room and was met with three awaiting pairs of eyes. 

‘And?’ Robin nudged him to speak.

‘She’s got to check her schedule.’ Eddie shrugged, not thinking much of it. That’s how your conversations have been over the last few years. Schedules always seemed to be booked, but promises would be made just to be broken over and over. So when his friends looked so excitedly at him, he was unsure what to do. After all, he doubted that this would be the time things would be different.

And how wrong he was. 

The next day, you called him back, this time waking him up at a slightly more human hour: noon. 

‘Sorry, I forgot you were taking your nap.’ You joked, certainly much to his appreciation, before telling him you got a few days off in the upcoming month. Maybe it was his abruptly awoken state, but it took a moment for the penny to drop and Eddie to react. And even then, it was a bit lacklustre. 

‘Ok, great. See you here in a few.’

It wasn’t your fault. At least not yours alone; in truth, you felt the same. Your childhood had not been a very stable one, as you moved from house to house as your parents tried to cling onto any job until it was finally too much. You and Eddie got dragged apart into two completely different sides of the world [that’s how big Indiana felt at the time, at least.] But no matter what, there was always one thing you could count on your family for: disappointment. 

Somehow, they [you and your brother included] just always managed to screw things up in the most fashionable way. To the point that it was easier not to have any hopes for anything because you knew that, to a certain extent, they would never be met. 

So, in the days leading up to your reunion, you didn’t let yourself be excited or dare to think of what to do or say to Eddie, only expecting a phone call from him to cancel everything with a half-assed apology. You knew that he was most likely awaiting the same thing from you. 

But somehow, against all odds, none of that happened. The days went by, and there were no changes to any plans. Your drive back to Hawkins was as smooth as ever, up to the Welcome sign. 

You weren’t entirely surprised to have learned that Eddie was still living with your uncle, but at least that was an address you knew all too well. It was really only once your wheels started to graze that gravel road that the reality of the situation hit you. And there he was, standing at the door of that damned box on wheels, hands in pockets like he always used to do when he was nervous, swinging back on forth on his feet. The only change was the cigarette between his lips to calm himself down. 

Assumably, at the sound of your approach, three heads popped out of the trailer door. More or less. You could see them looking through the little curtain that usually covered the window. You drove until you couldn’t any longer and stopped the car, taking the time for three deep breaths before getting out and into your brother's arms. 

‘You smell like shit.’ They were not meant to be the first words you said to him, but the ratchet stench of weed was overwhelming. 

‘Good to see you too.’ He hugged you tightly.

‘So good.’ You hugged him even tighter until he squeaked out in pain. 

Eddie groaned as you let go of eachother. ‘I really missed you, Judy.’

‘Wait, Judy?’ The curious heads finally popped out from behind the curtain and stepped out into the trailer's front yard. So it really was true: Eddie had made new friends—friends who looked particularly confused, just like you and Eddie had predicted at four years old. 

‘It’s just what Elroy calls me,’ you pointed at Eddie. ‘Don’t worry.’

‘Judy— Elroy— wait, like the Jetsons?’ The guy in the middle said. His brows had knitted together as he deducted this conclusion to your little joke, and you had to admit he looked pretty cute. 

‘Exactly like the Jetsons. It was one of the only things we could agree on watching together.’

‘Well, that’s just adorable.’ The girl on the cute guy’s right said before introducing herself. ‘I’m Robin.’ She waved her hand with a slightly awkward smile. ‘That’s Steve,’ she poked the guy in the ribs with her elbow as he just stood there like a lost, yet excited, puppy. 

‘Right, hey, hi.’ He leapt into motion, extending his hand for a shake. 

‘Hi.’ You replied before letting go, then turned your attention to the other girl who politely awaited her turn.

‘I’m Nancy. It’s really nice to meet you. Eddie’s told us so much about you.’

‘I highly doubt that.’ You laughed, glancing over at your brother, who you never knew to talk about personal things.

‘We might have forced him a little bit.’ Robin admitted. ‘Would you like a drink? We got some rootbeer on ice inside.’

‘My favou-

‘We know,’ they said in chorus, confirming the previous statement made.

You heard your car door open and shut behind you, and when you turned around, Eddie was hauling your bag over his shoulder.

‘You could have just left it in the car for now.’ Sure, the trailer park was full of interesting characters, but no one would go as low as stealing from their neighbours. 

‘It’s not safe.’ Eddie huffed out over the weight of the bag. ‘Not since the raccoon?’ 

‘Raccoon?’ You blinked, looking between Eddie and Steve, who held the door open for you.

‘It’s better if you don’t ask,’ Steve said, making you want to ask even more. As you entered the trailer, with endless images of what could have happened between Eddie and that raccoon, the smell of popcorn filled the small living room, and you found your spot on the couch next to a politely smiling Steve, you suddenly felt like your Summer in Hawkins could end up being quite interesting after all. 

[melanieph321]

Ruben Dias x Reader - Not Ready Part 3/12

Part 4 and Part 5 are out on my Patreon!

Readers sister dies in a tragic car accident, leaving reader and her boyfriend Ruben in the urgent custody of her niece and nephew. Readers life is suddenly flipped upside-down since having children hadn't been the plan for her and Ruben's life together. At least not now when his football career was reaching great new heights.

Enjoy! 💞

The course of your life altered within the laps of that one phone call and the days that followed. Liza's funeral was arranged quite quickly, mostly because your parents couldn't bare the suspense of it. They wanted it over with as soon as possible.

Ruben was with you through it all, but eventually his profession forced him away even though the last thing he wanted to do was to leave your side. However, you couldn't bare to travel back with him to Manchester when there were two people that needed you now more than ever.

"How about your toys, don't you want to bring all of your toys to grandma and grandpa's?

"No." Vale sat on the bed of his semi empty bedroom, his feet dangling off the edge. You joined him, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. "Now listen, I know you'll like staying at grandma's, she's got a big pool remember?"

"The water is green." He muttered.

"How about the beach then? In Bournemouth they've got really nice beaches. Don't you remember from last summer?"

"I don't like the beach?" 

"Of course you do. You've always loved the beach Vale."

"Not anymore." His eyes squinted, along with his body that tilted towards you. Vale wept in your arms. Weeping for his mother that would never take him to the beach again.

"Is he ready?" 

You left your nephew sleeping in his bed and went on to join his father in the kitchen. A now quiet kitchen, where the floorboards cracked when you walked over them. "No. He's still refusing to pack his bags."

"Oh."

He was quite distant, the children's father. He had always been the quiet type and sometimes you wondered what your sister even saw in him as she was his complete opposite. Liza was adventurous and full of life. Like you. Nonetheless, her husband was grieving and understandably so. He was now a widower left with two children to care for alone. But he was clearly not capable of taking care of Emmy and Vale in a time like this and so your grandparents offered to take them in until then. Of course, in the process, the children would have to move across the country and change schools. You could only imagine how difficult that must be for them after losing one parent so drastically.

"I'll go check on Emmy." You said and stood from the table. 

"She was going to get your present."

"Huh?" You turned around to meet his blank stare. Liza's husband had spent most of the days post the funeral staring out of the kitchen window. However, in that moment he looked at you, his droughtful stare penetrating your soul. 

"I told her to wait until morning. We heard about the storm on the news, yet Liza insisted that she'd get you your gift the same day it arrived in the post office. I believe that she was frustrated that it hadn't arrived on your birthday like it should have.

"W...what was it?" You stammered. 

"The gift?" He said, face pale. "How should I know? It's probably still left at the post office since Liza never made it there."

You felt a punch in your gut. Followed by the urgent need to throw up. You did so rushing to the nearest bathroom. After washing your hands and mouth you knocked on Emmy's door, her voice barely audible.

"Come in."

You peered open the door and saw her lying on the bed, a pillow covering her face.

"Oh, sweetheart. It's going to be okay." As soon as she felt your dip in the mattress, the pillow got tossed away, and the fairly heavy child clung to you. She clung to you in a way that no other human being had clung to you before.

"I don't want to leave."

"I know, baby. I know."

She cried against your shoulder, her body trembling in your arms. 

"Why can't grandma and grandpa move here?"

"They're old people, sweetie. Moving here would be more difficult for them than if you and your brother moved there."

"But what about daddy? Why can't he come with us?"

You sighed. "Oh, baby. Your dad is very sad right now. He just needs a little time to himself."

"Well, aren't you sad too?"

"Me?" You felt a sharp jab of your heart.

"Yes, you. Aren't you also sad that my mom is gone."

"Of course I am, sweetie. Why would you—"

"Does that mean that you want to be left alone too, like daddy?"

"Erm...no baby, not necessarily. But grief is very different for—"

"Great, then we'll move in with you."

"What?"

********************************************

You couldn't just leave them. The children had refused to leave their home, but you couldn't just leave them with their father. 

Your grandparents agreed for you to take them with you to Manchester for the week, perhaps get their minds off things. The only problem is that things happened so quickly that by the time you and the children got to Ruben's apartment, their suitcases packed to the rim, you realized that you had totally forgotten to give him the heads up about the whole situation

"Y/N, you're home." He greeted you at the door with the warmest smile.

"Ruben. I—"

"Uncle Ruben!"

His eyes widened at the sight of the children, the two of them tackling him to stumble backwards into the apartment.

"I've missed you Uncle Ruben!" Emmy squeald, her arms tightening around his waist.

"Erm....I missed you too." He chuckled. "I had no idea that the two of you were—"

"I missed you even more Uncle Ruben." Said Vale who clung to Ruben's leg. "More than Emmy."

"No you didn't." She hissed at her brother.

"Yes, I did." He responded and suddenly they were going at it.

"Hey, kids, cut it out!" You shouted. They did so tilting their heads at you. "How about you take your suitcase to the guestroom and unpack. I'll be right there with you."

"Okay." 

Just like that the children made up, Emmy helped her little brother carry his suitcase towards Ruben's guestroom. It's where they usually stayed when they came to visit.

You sighed once they were out of sight and almost forgot that you had Ruben standing in front of you with a slightly expectant look.

"They refused to live with my grandparents and so I told them that I'll take the kids for a week. I should have told you and I'm sorry." You fell back two steps, surprised that your apology was awarded a bear hug from Ruben. Nevertheless, that's all he did, hug you, letting you melt into his embrace. The smell of him brought peace to your whole being and with each inhale you realized how much you had missed your boyfriend.

"It's okay, I understand." He whispered, planting a soft kiss on top of your head. "I made dinner for two but I'm sure I can whip up something for all four of us."

It was a peaceful evening, with the children enjoying a home cooked meal for the first time since the funeral. They spent the rest of the night playing with Iker. The dog was more than excited to play with two beings with the same energy levels as him. It struck you how the children's eyes had lit up again coming here to Manchester. They lit up as a fragment of hope that despite the darkness that life has put them through, light was at the end of the tunnel. You were happy to have brought them that light.

"Auntie Y/N, I can't sleep."

The first night wasn't easy, though. Vale had come knocking on your bedroom door, which was a bit stressful for Ruben who really needed his sleeping hours. Despite this, Ruben had been the one to wave Vale over, allowing him to join you in bed. He fell asleep between you and Ruben with his thumb in his mouth. And right there and then you vowed to make sure that your niece and nephew had everything they needed in life to feel safe. Everything.

Part 4 and Part 5 are out on my Patreon!

[ppeasants]

Hi. I saw you mention something about a villain Wind au and I was hoping that you would share something. Have a nice day

Hi! Thanks for sending in the ask, I'd love to share more! Keep in mind this might be a bit rambly, since this is the first time I've taken these ideas out of my head and put them into writing.

I think the one of the biggest things about this AU is that Wind did not start as a villain. He turned into one throughout The Chain's adventure. He chose to leave his path as a hero, leave his brothers, and become a villain. This adds a lot of connections to the other heroes and a lot more angst, which is why it's so fun.

What is my villain wind even like? I think he's a lot angrier than normal Wind. He channels his usual range of emotions into just one: rage, and his single minded goal. He's a lot more prone to angry outbursts at those around him. He's not afraid to be underhanded, his time as a pirate serving him well, using dirty tactics in fights and easily manipulating others in speech using his childlike face and by easily reading others and learning what makes them tick.

His fighting skills, aside from his already existing speed, get augmented from the skills he learns from the others. His wind magic gets a huge boost, as well as his general magic pool, allowing him to use to as an offensive tool, defensive shield, and overall speed increase, as he zips around (nearly flies) in fights. He also gets back his time stop magic in the Phantom Hourglass (but how he gets it back is another story [he kills Oshus])

So what turned Wind into a villain? There was no one singular event, but a lot of moments which slowly swayed Wind from his path of being a hero.

*cw character death*

In my head, the catalyst for everything is Wind's grandmother dying. He's distraught by it, but after a short funeral, he's basically forced to continue his journey, forced to stay stong, because he's a hero. But being a hero, going on his journey, is what made his grandma sick, is what killed her to being with. He starts to resent being a hero.

*cw end*

Other moments include when Wind learns about Vaati, showing interest in his wind magic, but being told that Vaati is evil. Is wind magic evil? Is he? Another moment is when he says some words of sympathy for his Ganondorf, a man trying to bring back Hyrule. They others tell him Ganondorf is always evil, but Wind just can't get himself to believe it (its an hc of mine that Wind feels sympathy for Ganondorf). There's the idea that he came from a world which shouldn't exist, with no hero (even though he's there), and the ghost of a true timeline in Twilight right in front of him. And, there's the fact that Wind wasn't a chosen hero. He forged his spirit, and the sword, but the Triforce was never really his; he isn't a true hero of courage.

All of these ideas slowly pile up, and Wind gets more and more resentful of himself, of heroes, and of Hylia. It doesn;t help that Wind tries to contact Vaati, and succeeds, and is slowly learning more wind magic from him. From his contact with Vaati, he meets up with the other villains in secret. As they support (manipulate) him, and The Chain gets further and further away from his own ideals, he wants to make one last decision - but he needs to talk to one more person about it.

This all culminates, eventually, into a moment where Wind and Tetra meet up, and they talk. Wind tells her all of the doubts he has, and he says that he thinks he hates Hylia. I haven't fleshed out exactly how their conversation goes, but in the end, they have a big fight, and Wind leaves the Great Sea, hurt, with Tetra no longer on his side and with his mind made up.

The next time they sleep, Wind leaves the group for the villains, and when they wake up, they can't find him, and his gossip stone isn't responding to the slate. Wind is now a villain.

But what is even Wind's goal as a villain? He wants to kill Hylia. Believing her to be the reason that his grandmother was killed, that his world was flooded, that all heroes have to suffer, that Tetra has to be someone she's not, he wants to kill her. In his anger, rage, and single-mindedness, he will stop at nothing to kill her. If his brothers get in his way, he will kill them. The only weak spot he has is his home, the Great Sea. He will never hurt his world, his people.

As a villain, he joins a new group, consisting of Dark Link, Ganondorf (undecided which one), The Lizard, and Vaati. he also has different relationships to the other heroes as they learn he's a villain, ranging from Wind's hatred of them, their hatred of Wind, regret at his turning, and even sympathy and a potential turning of another hero, which Wind is ready to use to his advantage.

In my head, I have many, many, many scenes of this AU, at various points in time, so if anyone has anymore questions about this AU, the relationships between the other heroes, or villains, or other specific scenes, please ask! I'd love to talk more and more about it!

[hylianengineer]

I've been having a lot of feelings about the cultural aspects of food recently. Usually, this is a topic that makes me angry because my food allergies and intolerances keep me from participating in a lot of it, but I've had a lot of more positive - if bittersweet - experiences lately.

My grandfather died of cancer just over a month ago. It doesn't feel like it's been that long - I still catch myself talking about him like he's here. But when he got the diagnosis, my sibling and I made cinnamon rolls using his mom's recipe - my great-grandma's. This is The Iconic Dessert in my family. Great-grandma Gladys was a restaurant owner and fantastic cook, and many of her recipes have outlived her by decades already, but this is everyone's favorite. Normally I make it gluten-free and vegan to accommodate various family members' dietary restrictions, but this was 100% traditional, as close to how his mom would've made it as we could manage.

It's been nearly two weeks since the funeral and I'm still eating leftovers. In Midwestern culture - and many others - when shit hits the fan, you bring food. Right after he died, everyone was bringing food to my grandma. More than she could eat, and it was a little overwhelming, but I still find the gesture sweet. Because that's just what we do in our culture. Someone dies, and we make food. So the grieving family doesn't have to. To keep our hands and minds busy. Because we have to find some way to express all the love and pain we're feeling - and so we make food. Or buy food, nowadays - my cousins showed up unannounced with Kentucky Fried Chicken, which I previously could not have imagined my grandmother eating. (She has a home economics degree and the closest she normally comes to eating fast food is Chipotle.) Desperate times and desperate measures, I guess?

One of the fondest memories I have of my grandpa during the last few months of his life is watching him eat the apple pie I made him, with apples off the tree in my backyard. I wasn't expecting to find apples there, it was July and unseasonably early for them, but then this tree has always been a bit odd. I picked the biggest, least buggy apples I could find and then spent hours cutting them up and painstakingly carving worms out of them. It was honestly pretty gross, but there is nothing I would have rather been doing. He didn't have much of an appetite by then, but he did eat the pie with more enthusiasm than anything else in those days. My dad took a photo of him eating a slice of it and it's the last one I have of him - I treasure that photo. It was the last time I saw him alive, and the last thing I said to him was 'see ya.' None of us thought we were out of time, but if we had to be, that's a pretty damn good last memory.

[inanotherunivrse]

In another universe, you listened to the doctors. In another universe, you weren't sneaking out for cigarettes behind grandma's back. In another universe, it didn't get infected. In another universe, amputation really was the worst option. In another universe, your heart was strong enough for surgery. In another universe, my parents didn't have to search my school to tell me the news. In another universe, I didn't have to watch my brother fall to his knees when I picked him up. In another universe, I didn't have to hold my aunts hand at your funeral because she was worse off and I was the only one who could hold it together. In another universe, I didn't just watch my cousin cry as she read your favourite poem because I was comforting her mum. In another universe, you lived to see your youngest great-grandchild for the first time in seven years. In another universe, she wasn't five days too late. In another universe, you saw your eldest grandchild start senior school. You saw my brother follow your footsteps and join the airforce. You saw me turn 18. In another universe, there's not a bottle of brandy for you in my cupboard that I bought after you died even though I don't drink because you drank brandy and it reminds me of you. In another universe, I can remember you as anything other than your last days.

[allisonreader]

It's been a busy past four days. From going out of town for my brother's graduation, to watching a streamed funeral for the last of my mom's aunts, to driving a family friend to a different city and back home today. Well, I guess technically that's been over the course of five days. It's still a lot. Especially when a lot of it is dealing with higher level emotions/draining of the social battery.

For my mom the funeral was hard, not even so much for the fact that it was her last aunt who died, but it struck her in particular about the emphasis that was put on how much she loved her grandkids and great grandchildren. When my brothers and I NEVER had that. My mom's mom died when she was only 21 due to breast cancer, so none of us knew her. Though my mom knows that she would have doted on us. Her dad and her had a strained relationship and had pretty much moved out of province as soon as my grandmother had died. Though all things considered, he was a pretty decent Grandpa. He always made sure each of us got a card on our birthday and a card at Christmas. We usually saw him at least once a year whether it was at Christmas, him visiting us in the summer or later us visiting him in the summer. Even if it took us two days to get to where he was.

My dad's parents were closer, only a five hour drive instead of a two day one, but they barely grandparented. Grandma in particular didn't have much to do with us and didn't like mom. Grandpa was a little better, as he was slightly more active and intent on being a grandparent, but let's just say crying didn't happen at either of their funerals by my brother's or I. How do you mourn for people you barely knew? Any from us was more for what could have been or those who were closer to him.

The most grandmotherly figure that I had and knew was my cousin's grandmother. She died at the beginning of COVID, right around Easter time. Her death was the hardest out of them all. Even just writing this has me teared up completely because she truly was the closest person we had to a grandmother. And because she died during the peak of lockdowns I never got to go to a funeral or memorial for her like I always expected to. She felt like just as much as family to me as any of my other grandparents, but in a way more than that too. As she was almost always around when we went over to my Aunt and Uncle's. We saw her at Easter, we'd see her at Christmas. We got to enjoy her baking. She was truly such a loving and caring woman who was a social butterfly.

While you're reading this, you can't really see how many times I've stopped to have a cry about my surrogate grandmother. Which has been a few and she's been the only one that I've actually cried for, and she's not even technically my grandmother, but she sure took the place of one.

The thing is, she takes such an important place in my heart without even ever having given me a direct gift. Just being around her and her love was enough of a gift (and her baking).

The one time, when I was already an adult, I had to drive my mom to the city that my Aunt, Uncle, and grandmother figure lived for medical reasons. During that trip, I along with my cousin and her cousin (who for the longest time I thought was my cousin as well, just because I always saw her at my actual cousin's place) were invited to their grandmother's place for lunch. That was the first time I truly understood what going to grandma's house could be like. It was such a revelation to me, because I had never had such an experience like that one before. I felt so loved with these three people I had known all my life as I was encouraged to eat more than I could fit. So different from what little I could remember of my own grandmother who had died years before and showed preferential treatment to other cousins.

I can remember both the last hug with my grandmother figure and my paternal grandma. Both were long, but grandma's was long and awkward (at least to me, I haven't a clue how she felt, but we both knew it was likely her last hug.) . While grandmother figure's was long, slightly to the point of awkward, but filled with such love and care, knowing that while it might not be the last hug, it definitely could be. And I think it probably was. But oh I still love her so much and miss her. Which is why writing all of this up about her is making me cry.

I'm far off the point that I originally intended, which is not directly related to my grandmother figure, but due to the fact that beyond her, my brothers and I really didn't have a big grandparent influence on us. All of our great grandparents were long dead by the time us kids came around and my mom always hurt for us kids for what we didn't have in the way of missing grandparents. But as I told her yesterday, we didn't know any different. To us, distant grandparents was all we knew, and my brothers knew that even more than me. And when you don't know what you're missing, then it can't bother you. I really only started to learn about how active some grandparents were in their grandkids lives after I was an adult and started working. That's when I started to really realize what I had missed out on and became slightly jealous over the fact that others had such loving and caring grandparents. Now I'm kind of past that, as I know what kind of grandparents my parents will be when I hopefully have babies. They'll be the kind that I never had, except through my cousin's grandmother.

[trickster-whim]

This is a thrift store only blog now, I guess. Come check out what I saw but didn't buy when I went out Saturday!

There were some anime pieces there, and this was the first I saw. It certainly...

... looks great while hung up on a hanger. A good window shade, I think.

I actually saw this next one the last time I was there, and at first I thought it was Fruits Basket until I turned it around.

It's actually Noragami, which I had never read but I've been reading it because I'm curious about it now.

I'm not caught up on Demon Slayer. I'm actually like... really not far into the series... I was reading it on my iPad, but lately it bricked itself, so I need to find somewhere else to read it. I really like it!

Anyway, I didn't get this wall hanging.

Less tempting to buy but more tempting to make myself was:

This little strawberry table decor piece(?). I like the design a lot, and it'd be fun to do something similar.

I don't usually check the dishes, even though I've found some bangers (aka plastic Hamtaro plate I don't eat off of but do like to look at), and even though this dish:

is just from Ross, I really liked the vibes. The flowers at the bottom aren't my favorite, but the style of the architecture and the tiny boat really struck me. I didn't need it, though, and I wasn't going to carry it home, so I left it.

This wasn't even a consideration but like, do you see this? What is it? My phone didn't focus on it, and this section was full of guys with no idea what personal space was, so I didn't linger.

It's a very strange shape, though, and the hardware was interesting. But not only was it not my size, it was also very expensive, which isn't what I'm looking for at the thrift store.

One thing that I was really tough to leave behind was a trans flag.

I almost bought it, but I realized I fully do not have room for a flag. I don't have wall space, and it's not like they're comfortable enough to use as a blanket or something. It was only $0.99, but still. I don't need it.

I didn't have my phone out for a lot of the trip, and tumblr only lets you post 10 photos per post (ugh), so that's it for the shopping, but here's something not for sale that I saw on my walk:

A knife.

Dunno why, and it's vaguely threatening. It reminds me of when I was walking home from somewhere and passed a guy on the overpass and then saw him stab a knife into the chain link fence there and just keep walking. It was certainly a sight.

Also a sight was the sky as I was leaving!

It was super sunny and horrible, but the clouds came out a bit for me later on.

And things right now are crazy. My sister's birthday is Monday, and our grandma just died, so our parents are flying back to Michigan for the funeral or whatever happens when people die, but since we have two baby kittens, my sister and I have to stay here. Yay..... It would be so much better if even one of us could drive, which my parents have been promising to teach us for years... Anyway, I got too much stuff at the thrifty, so I'll make another post for that, and maybe I won't be so mopey! No promises!

[immaterialgurl]

11.26.2023

the one thing about me that changed since i was last seen on this god forsaken platform is that i think my friends love me. i certainly know i love them. and another thing is that living through my twenties feels like i’m living through memories i’ll be able to narrate some time in the future.

finally. good memories. strong emotions. haven’t felt them in a while.

and yesterday i saw my best friend graduate and become an engineer and loose his grandma on the same day. i had to convince him to come back to our hometown with me and some other friends and we didn’t sleep the whole night to catch the flight. he dedicated his thesis to his grandma. and to me.

during the whole flight i was overwhelmed by this love i have for him and i knew i had to tell him but i wasn’t able to write anything without crying in front of strangers sitting next to me. and i wasn’t about to.

we got in our beds, in our houses, in our hometown at 8 in the morning and i finally was able to express what i (kind of) feel for him, without looking at him, knowing he couldn’t possibly answer because he was so tired.

it’s so strange finding yourself so attached to a man without romantic feelings involved. a man that is so alike me but so different. a man that gets me so deeply and at the same time doesn’t know me at all. we’ve been friends for over a decade now but i cannot seem to recall when we became friends.

that’s what i always wanted and strived for since i was little. a friendship i could trace back to my core, a friendship that carries so many memories on its back it becomes difficult to recall how it flourished.

i asked him in my message not to tell me his thoughts on it and we woke up almost at the same time. he was still reading when i woke up.

he just told me he saved it in its favorites.

the funeral was emotional, the priest truly struck a chord with something he said. he was talking about how, when we die and walk towards God, we leave behind the regrets (best known as sins) to be burnt and the only thing standing between you and your God is whatever good you’ve done in your life. then he told his audience that even though some of us didn’t know the person laying in the coffin and couldn’t recall any occasion in which She did good by us, we should be celebrating her nonetheless. because our presence in that church in that moment means that throughout her life, maybe in her twenties, she made choices that led to someone being born and put in your life to do good. you wouldn’t be in that church if there wasn’t love in your heart for someone who is a direct consequence of her.

i was so happy to be there to celebrate a woman who created another woman, a great and intelligent and successful woman who created a men that has changed my life probably forever, that has granted me the biggest wish i had and if not the biggest, the longest lasting.

i hope the priest is right. i hope that when i go my regrets will be burnt to ashes like rubbish. because honestly i’m hoping there’s nothing to this feeling i’m feeling of regret of not being able to touch him as much as i would want to. or the regret i know i’ll feel when i’m much older and i never ever kissed him.

another thing that changed about me is that i was raped, but that’s for another time

[jacqcrisis]

Man.... had a convo with my mom that reminded of me of the last time I talked to my biological father when i was like 16.

It was a sunny day and I rode along with my grandma to my great-grandmother's funeral. I stuck with her the whole time because I didn't know this side of the family very well. I cried because she was crying and after the service, we mingled with the rest of the people there.

And, for the first time in about 2 years, I saw my bio father, Steven. He was there with the one older brother I've met and his current family. I remember awkwardly talking to them as my grandma went around speaking and remembering with other family members.

At one point, it was just me and Steven. I remember he half-heartedly apologized for never being there, for being a bad father. I wanted to tell him about all the times as a kid, I would wait by the door for him to show up like he promised, only to have to explain to my grandpa or my mom that he never did. How I just stopped expecting to see when my mom would say he was coming. How often I was right.

But his grandma just died. His eyes were red and puffy. I just nodded along and looked at my phone, waiting for my ride out of there.

It was my dad's weekend to have my little brother over, coincidentally. Despite never adopting me on paper and no longer being with my mother, my dad treated me, and still does, as his own as he had since I was 4 and would take me with my brother up to his place every other weekend. Today was no different.

My dad came to pick me up like he always would. I remember him asking how the funeral was and if I was okay. I told him it was fine and yeah, I was okay.

I didn't really know anyone there anyways.

[foxtriestobiteandmaimandkilland]

its my step grandads funeral tmrw and honestly i feel guilty bc i dont feel bad or sad or anything even tho i knew him vaguely well. like ive always seen my grandma more than him but like ive seen him more than my blood grandad atleast and hes been one of the ppl who have been a fairly constantish presence. but like im not grieving and im not sad im just like. idk. normal. but ig bc this is normal for me bc like its all well and good saying hes dead but its like. like if nobody had told me i wouldnt know any better bc i only see him once every few months or w/e so like. i mean the last time i saw him was christmas and between then and like a few weeks ago when he died i didnt see him at all so like. that was half a year w/o seeing him so it was just. idk. like he was 100% a much better person than my grandad bc i was actually kinda happy when my grandad died bc he was an awful awful man and the reason my dad is an awful man too and he was just so bad. and i mean i dont feel guilty 4 feeling happy abt that bc like. yknow. but i do feel guilty 4 just being sorta. uncaring abt my step grandads death. bc he was a nice person and hed tell us jokes that made no sense and hed eat his food so incredibly slowly wed run out of conversation topics at dinner and hed spoil me n my siblings by buying us shit and hed pretty much just always be smiling and like. he wasnt some hero he wasnt some great amazing grandfather who was always there and who i could always trust and love and he wasnt some guy i looked up to as a role model or got excited when he was around or loved seeing but he was nice and like. being nice is enough. he never knew he had a trans step grandkid tho. oh my god. im gonna meet his blood family tmrw. for the first time. at his funeral. thats gonna b awkward. i dont actually know if he ever had any kids or grandkids. i know he has a sister i think but thats all i know. and i mean im calling him my step grandad but he wasnt rlly bc he n my grandma only dated but he was definitely more of a grandad than my actual grandad. idk. i think i just feel weird bc like. i mean its at the exact same venue as where my grandads funeral was. my grandma picked both times which seems a little weird. bc its like shes equating her ex and her partner to the same standards but. idk. idk what im gonna do tmrw anyways bc at my grandads funeral i was pretty much just bored bc all the adults n stuff were making conversation n i was there in my school uniform bc it was during the school day and i just played hide n seek w my siblings in the garden of that place but likeee. i mean idk i might just go on my phone or smth. listen to some riptide. might take my camera n take some photos bc its a fairly pretty place.

[achilleslyre]

well my great grandpa died last night and i’m kinda rlly struggling to decide if i go to his funeral….. cause on one hand i have absolutely nothing against him, i literally haven’t even seen him in prolly 10 yrs but like…. the does mean i have to see my grandparents. like my grandma is incredibly transphobic.. the last time i saw her she tried to exorsize a demon from out of me lol….. and my grandpa is like ? idk mostly fine but he’s scared of my grandma so he just does whatever she says….. soo like.. idk. i haven’t seen them in like… idk 6-8 years………. idk i miss my grandpa but ik he’s not gonna be excited to see me anyways cause its a funeral and it’s me……..

[rosie-with-knives]

.

[personasintro]

drunk over sober | ksj drabble

⇢ 𝒔𝒚𝒏𝒐𝒑𝒔𝒊𝒔; getting through the evening in his presence calls for help and that's why you decide to reach for one thing that could possibly get you through it, or maybe it helps you in a whole another way

⇢ 𝒈𝒆𝒏𝒓𝒆: angst (?), fluff, enemies to lovers au

⇢ 𝒘𝒂𝒓𝒏𝒊𝒏𝒈𝒔: explicit language

⇢ 𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒅 𝒄𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒕: 4.5k+

𝒂/𝒏: commissioned by @xxxjkxux​, hope you like this! x

drunk over sober | sober now

𝒎.𝒍𝒊𝒔𝒕 | ☕️ | © 𝒑𝒆𝒓𝒔𝒐𝒏𝒂𝒔𝒊𝒏𝒕𝒓𝒐 (𝒏𝒐 𝒓𝒆𝒑𝒐𝒔𝒕𝒔 𝒐𝒓 𝒕𝒓𝒂𝒏𝒔𝒍𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒔 𝒂𝒓𝒆 𝒂𝒍𝒍𝒐𝒘𝒆𝒅)

What did you do in your past life to deserve this? To deserve such an overly confident, snarky, cocky bastard to be in your life. Why couldn't your friends find a nice human being that is polite, friendly and modest? Not… him.

And the fact everyone is so okay with him acting like he owns everything just makes your blood boil even more. Why the hell did you even agree to come here in the first place? Oh yeah, because one of your friends Jimin, assured you he won't be here. But rather than be mad at Jimin for lying to you because well, your worst enemy – the epitome of evil is right here, you're actually more mad at his presence.

Or maybe because he's enjoying this night to the fullest, even has the decency to lift up his glass of wine at you as he cockily quirks up one of his brows and sends a smirk your way. You gape at him like a fish, features twisting to a deep scowl and a glare. But he looks even more amused at your obvious anger, living for it.

“Y'know, this glaring at him won't do anything.”

The melodic voice resounds next to you, your eyes moving from the devil himself to your friend who's looking at Seokjin amusingly before he looks at you with the same amused eyes. That's great! Even he's enjoying this. Are you the only one being miserable? Maybe you should leave this bar, leave the group of your friends to maybe open a bottle of wine for yourself.

“Don't talk to me,” you grit, trying to appear intimidating but it only makes Jimin chuckle which makes your brow twitch in irritation. “You lied to me. You told me he won't be here tonight.”

“I didn't lie,” Jimin clarifies, “He wasn't supposed to come but decided to tag along at the last minute.”

“Of course, he did,” you roll your eyes. “He likes to make my life miserable.”

Now it's Jimin's turn to roll his eyes, finding the hatred between you two pathetic and childish. You don't even know how it started. Seokjin always made you irritated from the moment you met him. You don't like overly confident men, thinking they can do anything and act however they like. Then he started to make fun of you, throwing snarky remarks your way ever since he noticed the way you clearly wasn't very fond of his presence. And it quickly turns into bickering whenever the two of you are in the same room.

He has already managed to comment on your outfit the second he saw you.

“This is not your grandma's funeral, Y/N.”

How dare he bring your poor grandma into this? You know he did that just to annoy you, that doesn't make it okay.

To be fair, you did tell him something back. “Oh really? Says the man who's wearing his dad's clothes.”

It's certain you made your friends laugh, both of you did. They always have fun whenever it comes down to your bickering. Seokjin didn't even look offended by your comment, just smirked your way as he gulped down more wine. That pisses you even more. He barely shows annoyance or any negative reaction. He always remains calm, amused and cocky. It pisses you off.

And of course, he doesn't look as if he's wearing his dad's clothes. He looks far from it. He might be close to his thirties, but he looks amazing. But surely, he knows that. Everyone knows that – even you. But you'd rather have your arm cut off than to admit it out loud.

“You both are freaking stubborn. Whatever the two of you have going on, you need to sort it out.”

“Sort it out,” you scoff, “As if that's possible.”

“It is,” Jimin says, a grin making its way to his lips. “I feel a certain tension here.” He wiggles his eyebrows at you while you frown, glaring at him for a moment before you let his words sink in and you realize what he's hinting at.

“Oh, fuck no!” you exclaim, wanting nothing else than to punch him for even mentioning that but you know you'd feel awful later. “Y'know what? I won't let him get to me. I'm gonna have fun.” you say lightly, your tone awfully fake but you go along with it as you gulp the rest of your wine.

“Now, I'm gonna get some more.” you inform him, Jimin's mouth is opening.

“That's not what I--”

But you're already gone, making your way towards the bar to order more wine but not before you brush past Seokjin giving him the nastiest glare. However, it only makes him chuckle, turning around for a moment to look at you amusingly as he's met with your back and swaying ass.

You usually make good decisions.

You always think through things because usually, you're a responsible person.

Usually – that's the key word because you're certainly not proving yourself to make good decisions. As much as you'd like to blame it on Suckjin (yes, because he really sucks), it's your own fault for deciding that drinking might be the best idea for how to get through the night. Part of you wanted to leave as soon as you saw his dumb and handsome face but you haven't seen your friends for two weeks and you wouldn't give him that satisfaction to show him how much his presence affects you. Or more like it annoys you.

Who are you kidding. He certainly affects you more than you'd like to admit, if he didn't – you wouldn't keep ordering wine (and probably going bankrupt because you'd save a lot of money by buying a whole bottle of wine, rather than buying one glass every ten to fifteen minutes). However, you're in a bar and it's quite obvious you pay more than you'd if you just bottle an alcohol from a convenience store.

Also, if he wouldn't affect you that much you'd listen to your friends' worries and advice to slow down. You did the right opposite. You feel like you started ordering even more frequently.

But most importantly, if he wasn't affecting you, you certainly wouldn't throw up into the toilet of the ladies restroom.

And the fact you embarrassed yourself in front of (not just your friends) but also everyone in a bar while running to the ladies with a hand over your mouth, to keep the vomit inside until you're free to let it out.

Oh, fuck so fucking embarrassing.

Your knees ache as you hug the toilet, not caring about possible bacterias laying on the toilet seat. If you were sober, you'd actually be so disgusting.

When one of your female friends comes to check on you, you rasp out that you're okay and will be out in a few minutes. You weren't.

You've been here for god knows how long but considering how many women already went to use the restroom, you must've been here for quite some time. Luckily, you stayed quiet and didn't throw up while anyone else was here.

Your stomach is uncomfortably clenched reminding you that you're about to have a wild awakening in the morning full of regret, you know you emptied everything in your stomach. You've a weird sour taste in your mouth, causing you to groan disgustedly at yourself. Once you flush the toilet for like the fifth time by now, you get the courage to walk out and check your appearance in the mirror.

You look awful. You also feel like it.

You rinse your mouth a few times, feeling lucky that no one has decided to come here to see your head in a sink while spitting out the water to get rid of that awful taste of vomits in your mouth. Your make-up is slightly smudged but it's actually not that awful once you wipe your undereyes and the smudged mascara there.

Once you're ready, knowing you've to walk out of those doors to face the others (and by that, you don't just mean your friends but also everyone that witnessed you clearly ready to throw up), you brace yourself and open the door.

You're startled to be met with Seokjin leaning against the wall, standing there just on the opposite side of you as your eyes meet right away. He sighs, awfully similar to sighing in relief, as he takes your appearance and eyes you up and down.

“How are you feeling?” he asks, straightening himself.

“Like shit,” you answer honestly, grabbing the side of your throbbing head. “I think I'm still drunk.” you tell him, stumbling when a woman makes her way towards the restroom and you've to move to let her in since you've been standing right in front of the door.

Seokjin stretches his arms towards you, getting a faint hold of your wrists. HIs brows are furrowed while he stares at you.

“Come on, let's get you home.” he says, taking a few steps closer to you as you glare at him.

“You?” Is the only thing you let out of your mouth, ready to resist but Seokjin holds you close since you seem to have barely any balance.

You might've thrown up everything in your stomach, but your head throbs and you're still very much drunk.

“Yes,” he answers simply, “Everyone else went home. I told them I'd get you home safely.”

You scoff, not believing your friends. So, they just left you here? With him? They know you don't like him! The hell, you hate him! They know all of it and yet, they left you here with him.

Little do you know, Seokjin promised to take care of you. He was met with a few skeptical stares from your friends but Jimin assured them it's okay. The smirk Jimin gave Seokjin just as he was walking out of the bar didn't go unnoticed by him.

And here he is. Has been waiting for half an hour for you. He did get worried, wondering if you hadn't passed out on the floor or something and had this urge to just walk into the ladies restroom, knowing that might've got him kicked out of this bar.

Luckily, you walked out of there before he really decided to do it.

As much as you hate Seokjin, and doing a stupid decision, you know the smartest option for you is to just go with him. It's dangerous to go alone and even though you want to prove to him you don't need him or his help, you kind of do and it definitely helps to get you home safely, just like he promised to you and his friends.

So you huff under your breath, brushing past him but saying nothing in return but you know he's right behind you, feeling his presence following you out of a bar.

“Oh shit, I haven't paid for my drinks.” you exclaim once you make it outside.

Thank god, no one stared at you while walking out of a bar. You already feel embarrassed as it is.

“I took care of it,” Seokjin tells you, phone attached to his ear as he ignores your suspicious eyes and calls a cab for the two of you.

You groan, feeling your legs getting weak so you sit on a curb, hugging your arms as you feel a chilly breeze on your exposed arms.

After he makes the call, hanging up with a polite “Thank you, we'll be waiting”, he's joining you and sitting beside you as you eye him suspiciously again.

He probably feels your eyes on him, but he stares ahead watching cars passing by.

“Why would you pay for me?” you ask, voice drowsy as you keep your tired eyes on him.

He turns his head to you, staring at you for a moment as he lets out a chuckle. “I expect you to pay me back. I'm no charity.” he scoffs causing you to scoff back.

“Don't worry,” you murmur, feeling angry for some reason even though of course, you'd pay him back. You wouldn't let him pay for such an expensive wine, or even if it was a cheap one, just so he could use it one day against you. You don't need his money.

But deep down, you're glad he took care of it so you could just walk out of the bar and not spend any longer in it than necessarily. What you're angry about is the way he reacted. And here you thought he's being weird by the whole taking care of you thing. He's still the same idiot.

Your thoughts are cut off by him taking off his suit and throwing it over your small figure. You instantly feel the heat from it, knowing it's his body that made it warm. You open your mouth, staring at him surprisingly as he chuckles at your reaction.

“Well, don't look at me so surprised.”

“I am surprised,” you point out, “Thanks though.”

“What? I didn't hear you?”

You look at him again, opening your mouth but once you see the corner of his mouth twitching, you know he heard you and is just making you say it again.

“Your mistake.” you huff.

You don't know for how long you sit there waiting for the cab, but you feel yourself getting more and more tired, looking for a place to lean your head against which happens to be Seokjin's shoulder. You're too out of it to check out his reaction or realize what you just did.

His shoulder feels nice. The one you kept making fun of him, actually you made fun of both of his shoulders. Suddenly, you start feeling guilty for it and you blame you being drunk for it because you're already opening your mouth.

“I'm sorry for making fun of your shoulders,” you mutter, yawning sleepily. “They feel nice.”

Seokjin laughs, actually it's something between a laugh and a chuckle but he finds your confession and apology funny nevertheless.

“I know you secretly love them.” he teases you, causing you to groan in response. Oh god, you're so out of it.

“I hate you secretly.” you inform him, causing him to snicker.

“It's not that big of a secret.” he points out, making you chuckle for some reason. He's right. It's quite obvious.

“You hate me too, don't make me feel guilty.”

“I don't hate you,” he tells you, sounding serious for a second before he chuckles. “You just can't take some teasing.”

You lift your head up quickly, groaning when you feel it spin as your vision gets blurry. You glare at Seokjin, seeing double – two Seokjins – but you glare at him nevertheless.

“Teasing?” you exclaim, “That's not teasing! That's pissing me off and you know it.” you snap but lay your head back when it starts to hurt even more. He lets you, scoffing a little.

And he stays quiet, letting the distant sounds of cars and people chatting that walk past you be the only sound between you two. You're on a verge of actually falling asleep, closing your eyes for the first time since fighting the urge to close them since you laid your head on Seokjin's shoulder.

But yet again, Seokjin manages to open his mouth again and for some reason, you're not as annoyed as you'd normally be.

“Do you believe in soulmates?”

It's so random, you don't get why he's asking you this but you're also very drunk to put too much thought into it.

You let his question linger in the air and in your mind, pursing your lips slightly in a silent thought before you come up with a quite sober answer. “I think everyone is in your life for a reason.”

“Oh, so I'm in your life for a reason.” he teases you and if you looked up at him, you'd see him wiggling his brows.

“Yeah, to piss me off apparently.” you tell him, getting to hear a breathy laugh from him.

“You piss me off too,” he says, sounding both amusing and accusing at the same time. Maybe even offended too. “But I like you.” he admits.

It's like a slap to your face and thanks to your drunkenness, it takes a while to fully understand his words but once you do, you whip your head in his direction while looking at him like a deer caught in the headlights.

“You what?”

“Come on, isn't it obvious?” he laughs almost bitterly, but keeps his tone light and even when he looks at you with his dark brown eyes, you see nothing but softness in them.

Okay, you're really drunk.

“Do you think I'd take care of you, borrowed you my suit to keep you warm and waited in front of the restroom for half an hour just because I hate you?”

You're speechless, not fully realizing that Kim Seokjin, the Kim Seokjin that makes fun of you whenever you're around, just confessed that he doesn't hate you. And admitted verbally and loudly what he's done for you so far. Even though you didn't ask for it, you know deep down you appreciate it.

“I don't understand…” you mumble, “What about all the teasing and annoying me?”

“It's just teasing, it's not my fault you can't take a joke.” he snorts, causing you to send him a glare. It's just a small confirmation that yes, he still acts like a dick but the difference is, that you're not overly mad over it and don't want to slap his handsome face.

“You and I have a different concept of a joke,” you scoff, “I don't like those jokes.”

“Alright, no more teasing and jokes,” he says, causing you to raise your brows at him lazily. You don't believe him. “Don't look at me like that, I'm serious. And just a reminder, you haven't been going easy on me too. I'm just lucky I have thick skin and can take a joke.”

You want to have some smartass response, to say something back about how he's making it seem like you're some kind of a prude that can't joke around, because you can. You're quite a fun person to be around. He just doesn't know that side of you because you just straightass go into an attack mode whenever he is around.

And as your drunk mind thinks about it, you do feel an obvious guilt slowly building but you're too drunk to fully tell him what you think. But you try your best, muttering the first thing that comes to your mind.

“I'm sorry to joke about your shoulders,” you almost whisper, pouting. “I like them. They're comfy. At least this left is.”

That's right, you've been leaning on his left shoulder only.

Seokjin snorts at that before he erupts laughing, causing you to cringe at the loud sound close to your ear but you find yourself smiling. He catches the sight of your smile, his laugh slowly dying as he keeps his lips stretched into a similar one.

“I can assure you my right shoulder is just as comfortable,” he remarks, causing you to snort as you nod at him. “I don't know what's up with you and my shoulders. You said far more mean things about my own personality than my appearance.”

You cringe at that, feeling the guilt even more. Perhaps it's the tone in his voice that makes you think that you making fun of his personality rather than appearance somehow affected him too.

“I'm sorry,” you murmur, hiding your face back in his shoulder once he looks at you, chuckling as you not so sneakily hide your shy face. “You said mean things to me too.”

“I'm sorry,” he says back, louder and more confident than when you said it. “I think we both have something to feel guilty about.”

You just nod, muttering something about how long it's taking for the cab to arrive. Seokjin is not sure if you did it to change the topic purposely, or you're just so drunk that you mind drifts elsewhere. Nevertheless, he coaxes you to stand up as he helps you, not minding the way your body practically stumbles into his in the middle of it. He has a tight grip on you, tucking a few restless strands of your hair behind your ear. Yeah, he commented that too. Something about how having your hair in a bun makes you look like you're in a job meeting rather than hanging out with your friends in a bar.

He cringes at that, having the need to apologize for that but you seem distracted by something else and that something else happens to be his lips. You're shameless, maybe you don't realize that you're staring and that he obviously sees you… but you just keep staring.

“I'm sure I made fun of your lips too.” you drunkenly murmur, causing Seokjin to breathe out a chuckle.

“You did.” he confirms your suspicion, causing you to sigh.

“I like them.” you tell him honestly, eyes lazily closing and smile stretching to the same lazy and drunk smile. And you bluntly reach towards them, your point finger tracing the bottom lip.

Seokjin feels the tip of his ears heating up, wondering how it must look like to someone that just walks by. You're in front of a bar with you drunk while tracing his lips as if it's the most normal and common thing ever.

“You know,” Seokjin starts, your finger no longer in front of his mouth. “I think I prefer you drunk over sober.”

That makes you snort, chuckling slightly as you lean towards him and bump your forehead into his chest. Wow, it's hard. You stay like that, trying to ignore the throb in your head.

“I think I prefer you when I'm drunk than when I'm sober.” you admit, causing him to laugh, hands respectfully on your back as you keep swaying slightly.

Suddenly, you've this urge to look at him because god knows if you'll ever have that opportunity. So you do, finding him already looking at you.

“But I wish you were sober now, though.” he admits too, your brows furrowing in a confusion for a moment.

“Why?”

“So I could kiss you.” he bluntly responds, your eyes widening and for a moment, you feel like you sobered up. That's not true, though. You just feel like it.

“You--you want to kiss… me?” you point at yourself, wondering if this is some kind of sick joke of his, so he can laugh about it later.

But he looks honest, staring at you with a deep glance. It makes you swallow dryly.

“Yeah,” he nods, “But you're drunk. And I don't want to take advantage of that.”

You stare at him cutely, your lips pouting without you even realizing and your pupils are big and waiting, causing him to grab your face gently. He traces his thumb over your lips, similar to what you did just a few minutes ago while tracing his own plush lips.

You called him Kylie Jenner look-alike if you remember correctly. God, you were such a bitch.

You like his lips.

“I'm not that drunk,” you stupidly protest, causing Seokjin's brows to raise in shock from your sudden interest in him kissing you. But he quickly shakes himself out of it and chuckles at your eagerness.

“How about a compromise?” he asks, catching your interest as you nod without thinking of it.

It's until he leans towards you, face just a few inches from yours. You can feel the heat coming off his breath, warming your face while your heart seems to be the only thing sober and awake.

His lips are so close, he is so close. You can smell his incredible and expensive cologne making you almost whimper in his direction but before he can take another inch closer to you, you realize something and panic.

“Wait, wait!” you exclaim, catching him off guard as he stares at you surprised while pulling away slightly, giving you some space as your hand is already on your mouth.

Are you about to throw up? Oh fuck, he'd be so embarrassed if you throw up at the idea of him kissing you.

“I threw up!” you inform him which makes him snort because he obviously knows that.

He heard weird noises that undoubtedly came from you while he was waiting for you.

But he doesn't tell you that to not make you embarrassed. He's not that big of a dick, even if you think he maybe is.

“But I rinsed my mouth!” you quickly jump to say, not wanting him to think like you stink or something. You made sure your mouth doesn't smell like vomits. The thought of him kissing you while you threw up just twenty minutes ago makes you want to throw up again. In your defense, you did rinse your mouth a lot and you no longer can smell or taste vomits in your mouth.

He chuckles, eyes scrunched as he inches closer to you and you almost protest (because just in case, you'd die of embarrassment) but you're taken aback when his lips find your forehead instead of your lips. He gives you a soft kiss there, smiling down at you as you gape at him with an open mouth.

This is the compromise he talked about, but you're too drunk to realize that.

“Come on, the cab is here.” he says, taking your hand in his as he leads you to a cab.

Once you both sit there, you give the cab driver your address before you allow yourself to finally relax and feel something soft under your butt rather than a hard pavement. You're not too shy to scoot closer to Seokjin, even though you've been glued to him from the moment you made it into the cab. You let your head rest over his right shoulder this time, commenting that it's comfortable too that makes him laugh.

It's the last thing he hears from you because he soon realizes you fell asleep, cuddling up to him. He's not sure if he'll be able to wake you up once you make it to your apartment building and he has no plans trying to get into your purse, so he sighs and tells the driver to drive you to his apartment instead. It's not far from yours anyway and the cab driver is more than happy to charge him for it.

But he doesn't care about money. If he did, he wouldn't pay that much money over the wine you drank and threw up all of it in the same day.

He wasn't joking when he said he wants you to pay back, but maybe now, he'll live without you paying him back. He can think of it as if it's redemption by burying the hatchet.

And as he glances at your peaceful sleeping figure that still is very much glued to his warm body, he knows it might be just worth it.

He just hopes you won't kill him in the morning once you find out you're at his place. And maybe, just maybe, he hopes a lot that you'll remember everything in the morning.

[strangesmallbard]

okay i just watched an episode of call the midwife that made me abruptly confront several grief-related traumas at once and i feel the need to talk about them, like make everything exist outside my head and join the human experience, or something. please feel no obligation to read this or respond but if you're going through The Grief yourself, know you're not alone.

tw for death, cancer, suicide, alcoholism

i lost three people in a year, and didn't really get to say goodbye to any of them, and that's like? fucked up doesn't describe it LMAO. i lost my grandma and a work supervisor in june 2019, and my dad at the very beginning of 2020. my grandma died in her sleep; she was 89, so it wasn't unexpected, just sudden. she was very anxious toward the end of her life and we didn't have many meaningful conversations. i wasn't medicated or grown up enough to have those conversations, and mostly i wish i'd validated her deep anxiety about death and her anger at her own body when it stopped working. right now i'm acutely grieving her house - it was sold a year later, and i don't think i'll ever forgive my uncle for that.

my supervisor died by suicide. we weren't very close, but he had a strangely large place in my life - he was previously my college professor several years before and i chose that school because of his work in particular. he was also the first out gay person i saw at my school during orientation, and that memory's always stayed with me as i formed a community there.

the last time i saw him was a work event the night before (opening night of a play - i worked at a theatre company.) we sat next to each other and i noticed he seemed sad, tired, or off. i was annoyed with him about a work-related thing that doesn't matter anymore, but i was still friendly because i always try to be friendly. i hoped he was alright. a few days later, my other supervisor told me what happened. he was a kind-hearted guy who was passionate about his work and changed many, many lives for the better. i think about him a lot.

my internship ended right after this without much fanfare or Unpacking. i just left a grieving community and dived right into my first gig, basically running on fumes lmao. my internship was very, very toxic, and i wouldn't realize it for another year. i didn't think about my grandma or my supervisor. i spent the whole summer wanting to call my supervisor and talk to her about what happened. she came to watch closing night of my play, and we didn't talk about what happened. the next day, i plunged into a Huge Depression involving an alcohol dependency and eight seasons of house md.

as i vaguely began to exit my depression, my dad was deadass. DEADASS. diagnosed with stage four lung cancer from smoking cigarettes. like omg. DUDE? the last time i saw my dad was at my grandma's funeral!!!! fucking on the nose. anyway. he was diagnosed in early december 2019, after seeing a doctor for back problems. the back problems were several tumors. everything happened very quickly. the last time i saw my dad alive was in a hospital parking garage on december 24, 2019. we hugged goodbye, but not Goodbye. he was in a rush to get home because he was sick from radiation treatment. i don't remember our last conversation at all.

my mom and i got the call he was dying after i schlepped her to urgent care for a separate medical issue. my mom was too zonked to get on a plane, so i went to the airport. five minutes after i got there, i learned he passed. it was very crowded. i canceled the ticket while crying, and i didn't explain why i was crying. my lyft driver asked if i had a good trip. this now strikes me as hilarious. i learned that his family let him know i was coming. this was likely the last thing he heard. i can't really sum up my dad in a sentence, but he was brave in his own way, a great storyteller, and loved me very much. i wish he realized we had a lot in common, and i wish we had more time. thanks for the adhd dad

anyway, guess what happened in march 2020! yeah shit's been weird. most days i'm honestly fine, and then i remember i designed my dad's headstone (it looks banging) and he'll never meet any kids i have. in three months it'll be three years since we last spoke and i hate that. i'm a very different person, and i've only become this person because three people in my life died in the same ten months. my mom's also been sick and it's a very particular kind of lonely. wow this was cathartic! if you made it here, i love you. if you didn't, i love you! feel my love telepathically! i am 65 years old in vibes, especially if you count the osteoarthritis. i am also maybe 3 or 4 years old and i want a nap and snacks and my stuffed animals, etc.