#last time i got sober was because i felt actually whole with another person. but yk

[literalfuckingfreak]

me vs will i ever be whole without another person

yes bitch u will go to therapy.

[finelinevogue]

starry eyes

summary - harry’s the captain of the ice-hockey team and there’s a house party to celebrate their win

warnings: alcohol and weed consumption, alcohol anxiety, house party, lots of kissing

word count: +3.2k

pairing: ice-hockey boyfriend!harry x college!reader

You arrived to the party late.

It was kind of your thing though, turning up late. If it weren’t for your boyfriend, Harry, you’d turn up to events weeks late or even weeks in advance. He was your personal calendar reminder, but unfortunately he had drunk too much beer to remind you what time the party was starting.

It had been the last game of the ice-hockey season and Harry, the captain, had brought it home with the final goal. He had scored and won for the entire team, which is why the whole school was now celebrating in his frat house.

Being the captain’s girlfriend, you had an obligation to be there but you’d take the opportunity to get drunk with Harry any day. Feeling euphoric with him was another planet of love.

“You ready to get fucked tonight?” Kora asked, laughing after coming out of the bathroom with a small bag of white powder.

“You ready to get fucked tonight?” Kora asked, laughing after coming out of the bathroom with a small bag of white powder.

“You already are fucked, babe.” You laughed, standing in front of your full length mirror and adjusting your dress. Harry had always told you that you could arrive to his parties in joggers and you’d still be the prettiest girl there, but you wanted to put a little more effort into yourself tonight.

Your black dress hugged your body perfectly and you actually felt really hot. Your tights were really sheer and had darker black hearts running up and down the length of them, your ankles and feet covered by your Docs. Your outfit didn’t show much colour so you added one of Harry’s red checkered flannels over your dress. Leaning into the mirror you rubbed your fingers under your eyes to smear away the mascara that had fallen.

“And you’re going to get fucked, our darling Y/N, by your champion of a boyfriend.” Sloane wolf whistled at you as you checked yourself out.

You blushed thinking about Harry’s reaction to your outfit and just getting to see you in general. You hadn’t managed to see him since the game and so you were eager to see him and kiss him for all he was worth.

“We ready ladies?” Bertie asked, picking up his phone and holding it out to take a group picture before you all left.

It turned out to be a video of you all being excited to party that Bertie added to his story, which you only knew because Harry texted you almost instantly after it was uploaded.

H🫂: juust saw berts story. get here quick but get here safe. i need to kisss youuuuu xxxx

He made you giggle with his text and everyone teased about how your relationship was still in the honeymoon phase 2 years after you’d got together.

It wasn’t a long walk over to Harry’s house, but it took you longer because you were all drunk walking and Kora needed to wee behind a rose bush.

The frat house was so busy to the point people were queueing up outside just to get in. The people outside the front door had created a party outside just to keep them drunk before they got inside, afraid to be sober upon entry. All of the ice-hockey team and their significant others would already be inside, since they all had first priority access. That’s the only reason you walked to the front of the queue, because you knew the bouncer and he’d let you in instantly.

“Suckers!” Kora shouted at all the young teenagers that were here to get a glimpse of their ice-hockey team players rather than actually get drunk.

The bouncer let you inside easily, along with your trail of friends. Each of you were just as drunk as the other, but maybe Kora was a different kind of drunk to the rest of you.

Once you were inside you were greeted with a chorus of hellos, since you were quite well known thanks to Harry. That and the fact you were known for being the kindest person on campus. You were always there to help others and never cared who someone was or where they came from. You were a good person and that’s why people trusted you enough to be friends with.

After hugging a few people, you made your way to the kitchen to take a few more shots.

“Y/N!”

You turned to see where Mitch was calling your name. You smiled and waved him over. Mitch was Harry’s best friend and regular weed supplier. Some nights you and Harry would drive to the beach and escape college life for a night, whilst sharing a blunt or two. It wasn’t something you and Harry did regularly, but it was nice to feel a different kind of high for the night.

“Mitch, hey bud!” You raised your shot glass up to him and then knocked it back with a sour face. “Congrats on the win!”’

You wrapped your arms around his neck to hug him slightly, not hugging him too tightly because you reserved the best hugs for Harry only.

“Thank you, yeah.”

He pulled his blunt out of his mouth and passed it over to you. You held it between your fingers and took a heavy drag of it, letting it burn the back of your throat before blowing the air back out. When you’d puffed it back out, you handed it back over to Mitch thanking him.

You normally would’ve taken more of a hit from Mitch’s stash, but you weren’t really keen on getting high tonight, Getting drunk was enough. Plus you’d rather get high off Harry.

“Y’seen H?” You asked.

“Saw him about.. twenty minutes ago.”

You nodded and stood next to him as you watched the rest of the room become electric. The music was playing some house party playlist off Spotify, you could tell. There was a group of people dancing with each other, another group playing beer pong and then just people dotted everywhere talking, shouting, to each other in conversation.

Many of the team players were hooking up with their respective girlfriends and boyfriends, only making you crave Harry that much more.

You kept bringing your bottle of red up to your lips to swing as you watched the room like it was a movie on a TV screen, laughing when you saw other people laugh.

Bertie came into the room with his boyfriend in towe, Alex, who was also on the ice-hockey team. Both of them served themselves drinks whilst talking to you.

“Hey, Alex, have you seen Harry?” You asked yet another team member of Harry’s.

“Um, not for a while, no. Sorry.” He shrugged and wrapped an arm around Bertie’s waist.

You smiled softly, but inside your heart was breaking over not finding Harry sooner. You were getting anxious to see him now and the alcohol was going to cause tears if you weren’t careful.

“Hey, Mitch?” You poked the guy next to you, who was passing his secret stash onto Bertie and Alex.

“Hm?” He leaned down so he could hear you better.

“I’m going to go try and find Harry.” You pointed to the exit of the room and Mitch nodded in understanding. He got out his phone and texted Harry that you were looking for him as well. He was a good friend.

Mitch made you check your phone just in case Harry had sent you a message, but your phone had no service since there was so many people in the building. You sighed and tucked your phone back into the flannel shirt pocket, with shaky hands. That was your first sign a breakdown was on its way if you didn’t find Harry soon.

You could handle your alcohol quite well normally, but only because you drank within your limits if Harry wasn’t with you. If Harry was with you, you didn’t mind drinking a bit excessively because you knew you had him to take care of you and be the emotional support blanket required if the alcohol turned into a breakdown. So, the fact you hadn’t found Harry yet and you’d definitely exceeded your alcohol limits made you very anxious and very aware of how tipsy you were.

You were glad you wore your Docs.

The amount of people that were crammed into the house was impossible, making it very difficult for you to see anyone beyond two people. People kept on tapping your shoulder and expecting a conversation out of you, but you had to politely decline because you only wanted to find Harry for now. You weren’t focused on anything other than finding Harry.

“Excuse me. Excuse me, please. Sorry.” You repeated over and over again as you tried to push through the crowds of people.

Thirty minutes later and you were entering a new room, this one even more crowded than the last. It was very loud in here too, or maybe it was because you were sobering up after looking for Harry for so long. You were simply going round and round in circles, but nobody seemed to know where he was.

Your heart was pounding what felt like outside of your chest from the anxiety the alcohol was giving you. You pulled the flannel around you and the collar up to your nose momentarily, breathing in Harry’s cologne just to feel like he was somewhat close to you. You continued through the crowd, getting pushed back by random people and your feet getting trodden on by dancing feet.

“Y/N!” Harry’s voice shouted over the crowd so loud you were worried that he would shatter his voice.

“Harry?” You questioned quietly to yourself, spinning in circles trying to find the source of his voice.

“Y/N!” His voice shouted louder and your eyes teared up after thinking it was just your mind playing tricks on you, after wanting him so desperately.

Then you saw him push a drunk guy out of his way to reach him. He smiled brightly when he saw you and you pushed through some more people to reach him, your brows furrowed in determination to reach him.

Your heart slowly healed itself as you got closer to him, feeling more and more comfortable and safe by the second.

When you finally met him, you went straight in for a hug. Your arms wrapped around his waist and you squeezed tight, swaying slightly as you held him close. The moment felt infinite and you wished it could’ve been as he wrapped his own arms around you, picking you off the ground slightly and onto your tiptoes. You laughed as he spun you in a little circle, holding on tight to you.

You laughed and loosened your hold on him to finally look at him. Both of you kept ahold of each other as you looked at each other, hazy eyes burning into one another’s.

“You look so beautiful.” Harry said softly and even though the room was booming with loud music, you could make out every word he said perfectly.

“You won.” You congratulated him on his game win and he nodded his head lightly.

“I was looking everywhere for you.” He said. “Been going round in circles for an hour looking for you.”

“Me too.” You laughed, cupping his cheeks in the palm of your hands. His cheeks were warm from the flush of pink that was drawn out by the beers he’d drunk.

“I thought you might’ve just been late, but then Mitch said he’d just talked to you and that he hadn’t smoked enough to hallucinate yet.”

You dipped your head and rested your forehead on Harry’s firm chest, right over where his heart was beating rapidly with the anxiety of finding you. Turns out you had both been as desperate as the other to find each other. Your arms dipped too, snaking around his neck and hugging him close again. Harry’s arms relaxed on your middle, underneath his flannel shirt.

Someone then bumped into the back of you and you turned around to see who it was, but Harry had already cupped the back of your head to keep it safe from any more bumps, whilst shouting, “Hey, watch where you’re going will you?”

He was known for being too kind to actually start a fight, but people did know not to mess around with you otherwise there would be an issue. Luckily the guy apologised to you both and everything was fine.

“You okay?” He asked, leaning over so you could hear him.

You nodded against his chest and brought your head out from hiding. His eyes were as bright as the stars that hung in the night sky and all because you made him feel that way.

“Can we go?” You nodded your head in the direction of the door, wanting to escape this sweaty room with all the drunk dancing people.

“‘Course.”

Harry took a tight hold on your hand and walked through the sea of people towards the door. Every time you lagged a little behind him, due to someone dancing a little too hard, he would wait patiently for you to squeeze through whilst still holding your hand tight.

You were half-way to exiting, when he stopped right in front of you and pushed you a little ahead of him. Both of you were still holding onto one another's hand, but this time you were leading.

“Can see whether you’re alright this way.” Harry had explained the reasoning to you.

You continued to move through the crowd and look back at Harry for reassurance every now and then, but before you could count to ten you were out of the room and could breathe again.

Harry quickly tugged on your hand and pulled around the bannister and up the stairs, making you shuffle along behind him. People were passing by and trying to stop Harry for a chat or a photo, but he kept on walking past with a smile with his only focus on you in his hand.

You knew he was taking you to the hideout upstairs.

The hideout was a small room at the top of the house, in the attic, that was filled with a pool table and video games on one side of the room and then the other was equipped with beanbags and blankets. It was yours and Harry’s favourite place to come to if you both wanted each other alone for a while, since no one ever bothered to come up here during a party. It was made even safer by the fact it had a pin-code to even get into the room.

Once you were both in the attic, alone, Harry walked you over to the beanbags in the furthest corner and flopped himself down backwards, making a dramatic sigh as he did so. You watched him with a smile as you did so, trying to cover it up when you noticed him looking at you with starry eyes again.

“Well, c’mere then.” Harry tugged on your hand to make you fall down next to him, but not hard enough to actually make you move.

“Actually.. I think I’m going to…”

You pretended to walk away but Harry was quick to sit up and pull you back to him, stronger this time so you did fall onto him. You laughed on your way down, cautious of where your knees landed in case you hurt Harry.

“No. You’re staying here, with me.” Harry wrapped his arms around your waist and held you against his body. Laying flat on top of Harry you felt safer than ever and were glad you went through those moments alone to get to this one.

You hummed peacefully as you snuggled your face into his neck, breathing the same cologne that had been on his flannel shirt - only this time it was stronger.

One of Harry’s hands pulled your dress back down your bum so if anyone walked in they wouldn’t get a free show. It was little gestures like that which made you so aware that you’d chosen the right guy to fall in love with. It was a gesture so small that people might even miss it, or call it insignificant, but to you it only made your heart grow for him more.

“Missed you today.” You said, your voice slightly muffled from being so pressed up against Harry’s body.

“Yeah? I missed you too.” Harry’s hand had now slid underneath the flannel shirt and was rubbing up and down over your back, a feeling so comforting you could call it home.

“You always get too busy on game days and I don’t get to kiss you enough. It’s unfair.”

“It is unfair, baby. I agree. I’m free to kiss you now though.”

“I know. I’m choosing to cuddle with you instead, in case you’re needed again tonight and you can’t sleep over at mine.” You lightly admitted to not being able to sleep without him by your side.

“Screw whoever needs me. I’m sleeping at yours tonight and we’re sleeping good.” His arms tightened around you protectively, afraid someone would ruin the moment.

“But maybe we can kiss a bit too?”

“Never going to say no to you, baby.”

You moved your head out of his neck and hovered it above his. You felt his hands move out from underneath the flannel and up to cup the back of your head gently. One of your hands stayed by your side and the other came up to cup his cheek again.

Both of you gazed your eyes over each other, sometimes dipping down to see your lips. Harry then pushed your head forwards with his hand and sealed your lips with you. He tasted exactly the remnants of the party downstairs, with a lovely mix of beer and whatever else he had been drinking.

You moaned when his lips pushed a little deeper, making your head follow his in an effort to not part your lips. Harry pried your mouth open with his tongue and made short work of tasting you all over, noting the taste of weed on your tongue. He tasted cherry sours too and it only made him crave more of you.

“I… love.. You… So much.” Harry said in between kisses, not wasting a single second more to tell you. You always knew it, but it was always a bright moment to hear it again and again.

You hummed in agreement, but Harry wasn’t having any of it. He turned his body so yours fell off his and back onto the beanbag carefully. His body then hovered over yours, the weight of his chest pressing against yours and grounding you to him. You’d never felt so safe and loved.

You tried lifting your head to kiss him again, but his lips weren’t puckered ready for yours.

“No. Say it first.”

“I love you.” You told him and he could tell by the glint in your eyes that you honestly meant it.

“Don’t ever stop telling me.” Harry made you promise by linking his pinky finger with yours and then you both kissing each others pink fingers.

“Well, then don’t ever stop loving me.” You counter offered and Harry was quick to kiss your pinky finger all over for that promise.

“Impossible. Absolutely impossible.”

[fireflyinks]

good girl

Mike Schmidt x reader smut

contains : degrading (slut) , sort of dacryphillia if you squint, dom mike, p in v, blowjob, praise, use of daddy

MATURE 18+

Mike was a very introverted person. He didn’t like having loads of attention on him, in fact, he avoided it at all costs. When my friends would come over for girl talk and wine, he’d politely greet them before slipping into our bedroom to hide.

“So…” one of my friends turned to me, pouring herself another glass of wine. I was completely sober, mainly because I had to drive Abby to school in the morning and I felt that any proper host shouldn’t be black out drunk. “What’s up with Mike?”

I cocked an eyebrow. “What do you mean?”

“What’s he into? He’s so quiet when we’re around, is he always like that?”

Shaking my head, I look back at our door. He’s probably asleep, I thought, he won’t hear me.

“He’s actually pretty kinky.”

The girls started to squeal, kicking their feet. “Are you serious?”

“Yes!” I giggled, “he acts shy around you guys but he’s…”

“He’s what?”

I sigh, “Girls, I shouldn’t be telling you guys this. It’s an invasion of privacy!”

“I literally just gave you an in-depth description of a blowjob I gave last week… you’re fine! This is just girl talk, we’d never tell anyone.”

I guess that’s true, Mike couldn’t be too mad. It’s just girl talk after all.

“Okay… he’s into the whole bdsm thing.”

More squeals follow, along with a few gasps and giggles.

“Really? Okay, be real with me, does he like the whole ‘daddy’ thing?”

I laugh, looking down at my hands before nodding.

“Okay… well what’s the kinkiest thing you two have ever done?”

Thinking for a moment, I feel my cheeks flush.

“He likes to tie me up sometimes, and he spanks me a lot.”

I hear a floor board creek behind me, and look back only to be met with Mike’s on me. He pauses for a moment, before continuing walking down the hallway.

“Oh shit.” I whisper to the girls, crossing my arms in embarrassment, “I am so fucked.”

—

By the time the wine was gone and the girls had left, I’d accepted my fate.

As I opened the bedroom door, I was met with Mike’s glare. He sat on the bed, facing the door, as if he were waiting for me.

“Undress for me.” was all he said, keeping his composure. His tone made me so wet. I rubbed my legs together as I slipped my shirt off slowly. I stepped out of my pants.

“Leave them.” He ordered as I began to remove my panties, and I nodded.

Mike stood up, walking over to me.

“Get on the bed, ass up.”

I did as he said, positioning myself in the way I always ended up by the end of the night. Mike has been obsessed with this position ever since we got a mirror right beside the bed. He loved forcing me to watch him ruin me.

He looked at me through the mirror, almost smiling.

“Since you want to be such a loud mouthed slut,” he began to tug at my panties, removing them himself, “I’m gonna fucking treat you like one.”

“I’m not a slut…” I decided to argue back. After all, my fate had already been decided, how much worst could it get?

“Is that so…? Well, you’re certainly not a good girl.” He held my panties up to my face, the wetness glistened in the light. “Because good girls don’t get off to embarrassing their boyfriends.”

“I’m sorry-“

He tutted, placing a firm smack on my ass.

“Don’t talk unless I tell you to. Do you hear me?”

I nodded, my bottom lip trembling, “Yes sir.”

“God, you’re such a bad girl. What happened to my good girl, I miss her.” He unclipped my bra, pulling the lacy fabric off of me and lifting me onto my knees. Mike examined me in the mirror, shaking his head.

“You’re too fucking pretty to be such a bad girl, you know that?”

“Yes sir.” Our eyes met in the mirror, a small smirk crept onto his face.

“No, I don’t think you do. I don’t think you understand how fucking gorgeous you are and how much it kills me that I have to punish you like a brat when I should be worshipping you.”

I hung my head in shame while also trying to hide my blush.

“No.” He grabbed my jaw and forced me to look in the mirror. “Look at my beautiful girl. Too bad she’s too busy telling her slutty friends all of our secrets to even notice how much I’d praise her if she were a good girl.”

“I’m sorry daddy.” My lower lip trembled.

I guess I had been really bratty lately. Teasing Mike any opportunity I had, talking back to him, whining. And now I’d embarrassed him in front of all of my friends. He was right. I’m supposed to be his good girl.

Hot tears began to pour down my cheeks. His face contorted, and he spun me around quickly.

“Baby, what’s wrong? Do you need to use the safe word?” He caressed my cheek, not taking his eyes off of me.

“No, I’m just sorry daddy! I’ve been such a bad girl lately. I wanna be good for you, please let me be good for you.”

He began to smile, patting my cheek.

“Aw, of course.” He laid me down on my stomach, my face directly infront of the grey bulge in his sweat pants.

“You’re too cute, so I guess I won’t punish you if you can make it up to me.”

I nodded vigorously, getting to work pulling down his sweats and boxers. His cock sprang forward, almost hitting me in the face.

“There, baby. Be a good girl and suck on it.”

I took him into my mouth, swirling my tounge of the tip the way I knew he liked. He groaned, throwing his head back with a pleasureful sigh.

“There’s my good girl.”

His words made my core flutter. I bobbed my head on his cock, earning more lewd moans.

Right as he was about to finish, he pulled me off, caressing my cheek. I pressed my thighs together, the friction causing a small whimper to fall from my lips.

“Are you needy, baby?”

I nodded vigorously, “Yes daddy.”

He smirked, “What do you want?”

Gesturing to his still hard cock, I hoped he wouldn’t tease and just give me what he knew I needed.

“Nuh uh, I have to hear you say it.”

“I- I want your cock.”

He tilted his head, putting on a look of confusion.

“Where do you want my cock? Hm?”

I bit my lip, blushing. “In my pussy.”

He smiled, flipping me on my back. “Well, since you’ve been so good for me, I guess we can manage that.”

Mike connected his lips to mine, before entering me slowly . His pace wasn’t the quickest, but he thrusted deep and hard, earning strained moans after every drive of his member.

He played with my clit with one hand, while holding one of my legs over his shoulder with the other.

“Feel good?” He asked teasingly, staring at my fucked-out face.

“Yes, can I cum, please?”

In a matter of seconds he flipped me onto my stomach, so that we were facing the mirror.

“Look at your pretty face when you cum. When I paint your fucking walls white.”

His pace quickened, which drove me to an orgasm. He came inside of me shortly after, staring at my face as he did so.

“Good girl.” Feel from his lips as he laid beside me, panting heavily.

“Thank you daddy.” I cuddled up to him, blushing. I was so glad that I could be his good girl once again.

[lunar-years]

and like, the thing about the amsterdam james lore was that if they wanted a james redemption, they could have used that as an opportunity to soft launch it! "my dad took me to amsterdam and we actually had a good time, but after we got back home he started drinking again and things got bad again." i still dont think thats justification for jamie reconnecting with him, but at least we could have canon evidence he was an okay dad when sober. but no, they doubled down, and made trying to kill a main character somehow *not* the worst thing james had done

Yeah I think what's most crazy is that scene solidified in my own mind so many missing pieces in my own headcanoned Jamie lore. We learnt SO much in that scene and not one single piece of information pointed towards "this is a character who is going to not only recover but act as a non-negative presence in Jamie's life."

New information I gathered from the Amsterdam scene:

As you pointed out, physical/emotional abuse of his son and nearly murdering Beard are not the topmost crimes on James Sr.'s scorecard.

leading into, Jamie is a csa victim

Jamie doesn't remember it happening. we've discussed at length what that could stem from and yes there are multiple explanations but. well. uhh. none of them are good. i think.

Others disagree, and that's completely fine, but I very much think the scene is coded as This Is The First Time Jamie Has Told Anyone What Happened and Roy is Now the Only Person Who Has this Information.

At the time of taking Jamie to Amsterdam, James Sr. was trying to get back together with Georgie and playing up the "Superdad" routine

Others disagree with this as well, but I read that line as Jamie implying it was neither the first nor last time James had tried those tactics (and possibly been successful at one or more points, we don't know one way or another)

Georgie allowed Jamie to go to Amsterdam with James and then presumably allowed James to continue seeing Jamie afterwards (we're given no information to the contrary, anyway)

So taking all of that together, to me it's not just the confirmation that the abuse Jamie suffered at his father's hands was even more abhorrent than we thought or that Jamie's trauma runs deeper than we previously thought. It's also evidence that Jamie has never been in a position where he's felt comfortable with confronting that trauma and has yet to unpack all of the things he has gone through.

Furthermore, the scene hints that what we see at the end of s3 is (imo quite possibly) not the first time James has been in rehab or at least claimed to have sobered up or shown signs of recovery, only to fall back into his old ways shortly afterwards. This is indicated by Georgie allowing him to take their son out of the country, which (considering we meet her later in the season and get a sense of her character, including her deep love for her son) I cannot imagine her doing had James been obviously still a drunk. This is also why I personally believe Jamie hasn't told her what happened, because he continues to see his father after he returns. I just can't see Georgie allowing that had she known.

None of this sets the scene for a successful James recovery arc. In fact, for me it makes the whole thing worse and so unlikely to end for good because 1) Jamie forgives his father before even processing everything his father did to him, and without informing any of the people closest to him, let alone consulting an actual professional. This to me does not indicate Jamie is in the right mental place to be embarking on this new journey. 2) There is absolutely a more-than-plausible chance James Sr.'s current rehab stint will follow the same cycle as times previous: he's better for a while. he's superdad! until he's not. and Jamie as usual becomes collateral damage.

I therefore am forced to conclude Jamie could very well be opening himself up to more hurt and more pain at his father's hands, when he hasn't even dealt with his current backload of hurt and pain. If we were supposed to feel hopeful in the final scene where Jamie visits him--I have to say, because of what THEY told us and wrote about their backstory, I feel anything but.

[writebackatya]

ITS ME IM FIRST are there any moments from your writing inspired by something that happened to you personally??

This is why you're one of the best people in the fandom, thanks!

And yeah, there are some actually

Let's start with Indi-Quack!

So in Under the Influence of Gandra Dee!, Fenton has to sober up for his m'ma after unknowingly vaping a bunch of weed. Something similar happened to me. No, I did not need get high on accident but I did have to sober up fast one time for a parent that was coming home

It was back when I still lived at my dad's house, I had just gotten out of a long day of working retail pharmacy and supposedly had the house for the evening. So yeah I wanted to get high that night. After getting out of work I went out and bought some stuffed nachos for my dinner/high snack and then went back home to get high. In the process of doing so, I get a warning text from my brother who was letting me know that he and dad were coming home. I wouldn't say I was super high, but it was enough to be a concerned and the worry just increased so I was pretty high. Quickly googled different ways to sober up from a high as I Febreezed the room and went with a cold shower. I think it somewhat did the trick, I felt more alert but also pretty awful but that's because I'm not one who takes cold showers that often

I basically felt the way I wrote how Fenton felt after he took that cold shower to sober up, less high than before but in-between this state of high and sober, not fun. Luckily my dad was none the wiser, but my stuffed nachos got cold. :(

I think I did write in the notes of Stuck in the Middle with DEW! about an experience I had with an edible, might as well give out so more deets on that. So that someone I mentioned, was actually a sibling of mine; it was back in college when we were all home for the holidays (ha-ha) she was staying the week with her husband (great guy btw) and yeah they're both stoners too. Anyway, a surprise Christmas present from her was a weed brownie. And it was good, like no joke, my siblings are amazing chefs. But she told me not to eat the whole thing in one go because she put a lot in there. So I ate half of it. Big mistake

Okay. So my bedroom was basically in the basement floor and usally the area I got high in back then, and I kid you not that one moment I was in my bedroom on my bed and the next I was in the living room (which was one floor up) lying on the floor in the middle of a conversation with that sibling who was checking up on me. That was a great high, I'm pretty sure I saw every title card for every Arthur episode I've ever watched in my mind that night

Last Indi-Quack! related one comes from What'd I Miss?!, after I wrote the scene where Gandra tells Della about one time she was high at F.O.W.L. and she could not for the life of her understand what Bradford was saying to her and winged her response and got away it was similar to two other experiences I had

So during the summertime me and another sibling thought we'd have the house for the afternoon to ourselves and you will not believe what happens next. We got high and were going to go chill in the pool. Well we got high in the kitchen and then we heard something that sounded like a car door being opened, I investigate, I see that my dad, step-mom, and half-sister arrive home, I tell my sibling, they don't believe me because this would totally be something I would lie about to just fuck with them, i assure them that it is not and quickly start spraying the room and opening all the windows, they put away the bong, we retreat to the backyard, and just wait

So long story short, they came to the backyard and talked to us and we kept a straight face. But at one point my step-mom goes to something in the backyard and asks me a question about it that I still don't know was. And after having her repeat the question twice I just responded with "Yeah, it seems to be working fine" and got away with it

And while no, I did not get high at work but one year when I was working 2nd shift on Christmas I did smoke like hours before I had to go into work, just a little, honestly just a bowl. And by the time it was for me to go to work, I honestly felt fine. It wasn't till I got to my job and started working that I was giggling, so I was teensy bit high, but I am GREAT at my job so I just played some jazzy Christmas tunes and went to work. Luckily I was by myself for those first few hours of work tho

Now let's talk about stuff more wholesome, two of the Home for the Holidays! stories hit close to home for me, When Siblings Reunite! and It's All Downhill from Here!

The former is basically how it feels to be reunited with my siblings over the holidays but with the Ducks so it's way more cooler and the sledding one is based on sledding with my cousins on Christmas which is literally my favorite thing to do with them when we did do it

The last one I'll share comes from Let's All Go to the Movies! where Dewey is bothering Gandra at the Fight Fighters cabinet (you're welcome, Gravity Falls fans!)

Now look, Dewey is my favorite triplet because I was 100% most like him when I was that age but waaaaaaaaayyy less cool. And looking back now, I probably annoyed waaaaay more people than I thought I did when ever I wouldn't stop bothering people because I was interested in them or just wanted to talk to them about whatever was going through my mind at the time. And yeah, sometimes those people would snap. Not totally lose their cool, but just snap at me in a way made the message clear to me that I was being a nuisance to them at the moment

And look, nowadays I can be quite the snarky person when I'm in a bad mood so I also relate to Gandra here. Just being somewhere you don't really want to be, being with someone who is at a social level where you're not at now while prying into your personal life that you don't really wanna discuss right now.

But here on tumblr with mutuals, never an issue

[mischieffoal]

LotR Musical: Round 3!

Just a bunch of my thoughts, once more. From Wednesday 4th October matinee

Pre-Show: 

Hobbit!Gimli asked if I wanted to play Ring-toss, and Lobelia challenged me to a game… if I gave her a spoon if she won. I went on stage, shook hands, bowed, played and failed, she got one, shook hands, happily congratulated her with a spoon. Which Rosie then accused her of stealing from me! The audacity!! 

Also, I gave Fatty a chocolate bar, and he loves it when people come back again because they always bring him snacks. Got some very funny photos with him. Also, he was having great fun yelling about food - “Hey! Everyone! If you want a Mars Bar, they’ve got a whole bag!”

Mrs. Bolger came and chatted to us about the party, and birthdays, and Rose having her birthday the day before Bilbo’s, and Fatty and Mrs.’ twins being born then too! A busy time in the Shire! The little fauntlings are over their with Fatty’s mum! For Bilbo’s speech, Gollum sat right behind me on the picnic table! He was wearing such a cute jumper. I have a problem. 

Act 1:

Gandalf!! I like this understudy! Actually much better than the original! Patrick Bridgman. More sure of himself, powerful in a way, authoritative. Felt more magic and different from the elves than Peter.

Aragorn carries Frodo in so many different ways in the space of about a minute (fireman's, bridal, piggyback, shoulders round)

When Bilbo says "I'm worried I'll turn into him", Gollum pokes his head in from the side and sneers. I’ve never noticed it before, it’s that subtle. You would only notice it at all if you’d seen it before, because he’s still in full hobbit costume. Holy shit it sent chills down my spine.

Each time they mentioned rings and losing their power, they all held theirs, including Elrond who doesn't even mention his

All the Hobbits are so HAPPY all the time up to and during star of Earendil, when around them others are worried and scared and sad - but they’re still set on their Adventure!! I love them!!

Gimli's outfit has the knotwork on the set, lit up in Moria, I really like that detail. It’s obvious, I just hadn’t made the connection before. He’s connected to the “earth” around them. 

Gandalf hugging Sam into Moria. Everyone in this show hugs so much and I love that.

It's *Legolas* who tells Merry that Gimli is singing a song of his ancestors. Goddddd the elf/dwarf everything in this musical. (Earlier, in the council, Gimli has to sit down on a bench next to Legolas, clearly hesitates, and Legolas literally turns his body away from him once he’s sat down)

The movement in Lothlorien is so *different* and fluid

Frodo just fucking crying his eyes out in Lothlorien. Everyone else is having the time of their lives. Poor poor man.

Boromir really is the bad guy in this musical, huh?

All the chest and head hand signs are so so sweet - touching you to me, sharing my mind and heart and soul. Elrond does it from his heart to Frodo’s heart, touching his chest and it’s just… so affectionate. The three hunters do the same to Boromir’s body, along with all their different prayer signs, and it makes me cry. 

This time the flute music truly was menacing - Saruman’s evil grin held for a while before playing

Have some accidental floating hobbits for the intveral:

Act 2:

R’s favourite bit was Aragorn and Arwen, she kept talking about it!

Aragorn/Arwen’s duet ends very abruptly with lighting changes and Arwen disappearing to aragorn finishing last note kneeling alone surrounded by men. Yes. God. Dream sequences for the win.

Legolas leaps around and does not-quite-flips in his fighting, whereas Gimli is always on the ground

Legolas snogging his bow

Legolas always looks so... clinical, practiced when fighting

"Come back when you're sober" catty asshole

Wonder - bunch of men (including many principles in human gear) sit on the round. As Galadriel sings each "out of", another person gets up and stands before her, until Aragorn, sword held high, “WONDER” - really uplifting. I also really really love Aragorn’s little bit “day may end”, why isn’t it in the cast recording.

When Gollum climbs, it’s up the wall rather than the ladders like Sam and Frodo, and in act 2’s lighting you can’t even see the holds - very creepy

Shelob was actually fantastic when I was properly aware of her. Beautiful and creepy and so much going on. 

Frodo and Gollum moving together and also SPEAKING together, when Gollum hears Sam say they'll destroy the ring

When Sam is convincing Frodo to get up so they can walk to mordor, he's reaching out to him, everyone comes on stage and reaches out to him, and he eventually manages to grab his hand

Sam yelling as he carries Frodo on his shoulders is spine-tingling again

Gollum's death, was, again, incredible

Sam and Frodo and Rosie standing together hugging as they wait for the wedding, making me awwww

Group Hobbit foot goodbye aaaaaaa

At the end as Frodo leaves, Gollum and then Bilbo play the tune accompanying him aaaaaa

Final observations:

Head holding situations: 

Aragorn and Boromir practically in each others’ faces as he dies

Aragorn and Frodo practically kissing

Gimli and Legolas do this too!! After they’ve proposed!! The spotlight has gone to Aragorn but they’re holding each other in the darkness!

Funny hobbit versions: 

Gollum x Aragorn Hobbit AU, 500k

Mrs. Bracegirdle is actually in the show! She’s Kelly!

Gollum is a Proudfoot. Need I say more.

Rosie is Scottish! How could I forget this!

After the show, I congratulated Rosie, Legolas, Haldir, Bilbo and Saruman! I passed on E’s praise of “gay supervillain audacity” and they laughed and said “well it’s hard to hide”. (Side note: they’re enby, of course this is why I find him so attractive)

And, finally, my favourite thing I noticed in the whole show:

For all of Act 2, Frodo's voice is tremulous, breathy and tired EXCEPT directly after Sam says “Well, there’s nothing we can do about that” (the elves leaving for the West). 

“Yes we can.”

Completely normal voice. Terrifying.

[daddycinnabun]

I...used to be a surgeon. I still am I guess, but not officially. I know that sounds, well, sketchy as all hell, but I promise it's much, MUCH worse than you think.

Listen. I never claimed to be a good person alright? But the bullshit about 'gross incompetence' that got my license stripped was infuriating. I'm a good surgeon, I'm a fucking fantastic surgeon, my boss was just a whore who wanted to do anything he could to drive my career into the ground just because I didn't want to suck his dick, in an EXTREMELY literal sense.

That's not what I'm here to talk about though. Sorry, it's only been a year, it still...just thinking about it... I'm sorry.

Right. Regardless of how it happened, I don't officially do surgeries anymore. But. Last year, on June 4th, exactly a month after the decision to have my license revoked went through, I was contacted by someone. Well, I thought it was a someone. I'm not so sure anymore.

There was a knock on my door. I was intoxicated in the living room, a vague term for a state induced by a substance I'm going to keep vague. All you need to know is that I was extremely out of it. I don't even know how I got to the door. I...don't actually remember opening it either, or reaching out to the handle. It was just suddenly open. And the second the door revealed what was on the other side, I instantly sobered up. Not because she - it, whatever - scared me. I was a field medic in Iraq, I've saved friends and killed people 3 times it's size with nothing more than a scalpel. No, I was just all of a sudden sober.

Completely. Stone cold. Sober.

I'm emphasizing this because I want you to understand that I did not hallucinate what happened. I was in sound mind at the time. Which in of itself is fucking weird, I had enough of those 'substances' in my veins to keep me out of it for at least the next week.

What was on the other side of the door was a woman. Tiny, ancient, barely came up to my stomach, but with an energy about her that was frankly disturbing. It felt like she could've ran a marathon, even if looks would have you believe the task would've killed her. She had two figures standing behind her, but I was so bewildered by the woman that I didn't even really register them, let alone look at them closely.

Maybe all this wouldn't have happened if I had.

I'll never forget the first words that came out of that woman's mouth. I'd never seen her before in my entire life, and yet her she was on my front door step, and the first thing she says to me was -

"Have you played with dolls?"

I don't know how long I stood there, staring at her, just trying to process what was happening, before I snapped out of it. I curtly answered her, telling her that if I had played with dolls growing up my parents would've beaten me so hard that I wouldn't be standing here talking with her about it.

Then she asked if I'd like to.

I was just about to slam the door in this fucking weirdos face, tell her that I didn't want whatever the hell she was selling, but then she continued with something that made my blood freeze. My boss's name.

She talked about how unfair what happened to me was, how tragic it was that such skilled hands were going to waste, and that she'd like to offer me a job. Despite knowing that it was a stupid fucking decision, that this was clearly some insane old stalker and that I should just call the police, I was also running low on funds, and when she handed me an envelope stuffed with well over twenty grand in it...well. My interest was peaked, so to say. I asked what she wanted me to do, but she just responded with a smile, before simply saying-

"Play with dolls."

And then she was gone. The envelope and the money were still there, but she just completely vanished. If it weren't for the money, I'd have written the whole thing off as a bad trip and moved on with my life. But it was there, rent was due, and I needed the cash.

About two weeks later, I got another knock on the door. This time though, there was a massive guy, almost too large to fit into the door way. The kinda guy I'd go for after a few shots and a really, really rough day, looking for an even rougher night...ahem. Not that...you need to know that...

Anyways, uh, yeah. Big guy, wearing a black and white suit, and carrying two bags over each shoulder. Without saying anything or answering any questions, he barged into my living room and started setting up. I nearly choked when I saw what was in the first bag. A brand new stainless steel operating table with built in drainage and sanitation station, as well as a grotesquely expansive set of tools. There were things in that kit that at the time I had no idea what were even for, and I'd been doing surgeries for over 20 years. I...I know what they're used for now though. I know what all of them are for, what all their specific uses are in the operations she wanted me to do. Because it was surgery, what she wanted me to do.

Can you guess what was in the second bag?

White male, about 5'11, early 20's. Not dead, but heavily sedated.

That's when I should've called the police. That's when I should've ran as far away from all of this as humanly possible. But I didn't. As I said, I never claimed to be a good person, and the prospect of getting to operate again was too much.

The second envelope stuffed with thousands of dollars certainly helped too.

And so instead of acting like a sane, responsible individual, I donned the provided scrubs and other gear, grabbed a scalpel, put the scalpel down, closed all the blinds in my apartment, and then had to resanitize my hands, picked up the scalpel again, and THEN asked what needed to be done.

Instead of verbally answering, as the man must've been mute or something, he handed me a list. A list of operations that needed to be done. I grew a little uneasy looking at it. All of his limbs needed to be amputated, a..."pacemaker" attached to his heart, and something planted in his frontal lobe. These were extremely intense surgeries, each were going to take hours, and there was a good chance something was going to go wrong, especially with the brain implant. It was supposed to go in a baffling spot, an area I'd never worked on before, and was extremely sensitive. I relayed all that to my mute companion, but he just handed me a slip of paper. It simply read "Do not worry. It knew what it was signing up for."

I knew damn well I had no idea what the hell I'd signed up for, but as I glanced at the body laid out before me, I realized it was referring to it. That's when I stopped...thinking of them as human, I think. I started thinking of them as...things. Full, human sized...dolls. It became much easier to justify then. Maybe it was my way of coping with what I was doing. Maybe not.

Either way, I did what I was asked to do. It was...near ecstasy, operating again. Cutting deep into someone, peeling back the layers of what makes them human always fascinated me, and getting to do it again made me happy. But there was an extra layer to it. There wasn't any pressure, any of the maddening weight of trying to save a life. There was just a body in front of me, one guy watching, and a set of things to do. I don't think I'd ever been sad to end a 14 hour surgery, but I felt a twang of disappointment when I was done.

Speaking of my observer, he was actually extremely useful. Hands down, the best nurse I've ever had. He worked quickly, efficiently, and most importantly, quietly. Things got to my hand barely later than I even thought of them, and we worked as a seamless team. The things we could've done if we were operating somewhere other than my apartment...

And let me tell you, doing surgeries in the comfort of my own home was surreal. Instead of the grueling test of endurance it usually was, I had everything I could possibly want at just a call to my nurse. And passing out straight into my bed just moments after getting out of my scrubs was pure bliss. The next day, I woke up to expect it to be a dream. It almost seemed like it - the table, the body, the scrubs, the nurse, were all gone. There was only 3 pieces of evidence that it had really happened - the aching in my wrists and legs, the fat envelope left on my counter, and strangest of all, the fact that my apartment had been tidied up. Cleaned to sparkling perfection, and let me tell you, with how distraught I had been the month before, it had been a god awful mess.

But...I was happy. I paid my rent, which was definitely a massive concern of mine as I live in an extremely nice, very large flat. Costs nearly 10k a month. Surgeon money. And, well, I guess "playing with doll" money.

The next week, my nurse came back. Two bags, just as before, same equipment, different body. Black woman, 5'4, early 20's, same state as the last one. Slightly different set of instructions though, some facial modification. I hadn't done much in the way of cosmetic surgery before, but I was laid out extremely precise, professional instructions that a toddler could've followed.........if a toddler could perform invasive surgery, I guess. My point is that I could follow them very well and there weren't any complications.

And that was the routine for about three years. Or...was it two? Hmm.

Regardless. Every week or so, my neatly dressed nurse would arrive with my tools and a new body, and increasingly complex surgeries to complete. Looking back, I should've realized what I was doing was odd. After about a year of increasingly difficult tasks, I was practically stripping them down to the bone, peeling back skin and muscles until all that was left on my table were limbless, bloody masses of flesh. And then...well...

I don't know if you're going to believe me. I know it sounds impossible, I know I sound like a deranged serial killer, but they were still alive. It had become so routine at that point that I didn't even think about it, but they shouldn't have been. But they still bled, their hearts still pumped, their vitals never stopped. I was working miracles and it was exhilarating. And what was even more satisfying was what came next.

I remember the first prosthetics I were brought. Before then they'd always be taken away with just...their nubs, for lack of better words. The prosthetics were...gorgeous. Beautifully crafted limbs, articulate down to the fingers, I'd never seen anything like it before. And attaching them was extremely precise, as I had to place them such that the nerves could grow into them. Supposedly they were were fully functional replacement limbs and I fully believe they are. Especially now.

As things got more complicated, so did the prosthetics I was brought. Until I was essentially breaking the bodies down as much as physically possible, and then building them back up with the replacements. And...they did end up looking like dolls. No matter what state they entered my apartment, they always left looking like beautiful, human sized dolls.

I've gotten good at it too! I can strip a human body down to it's essentials in 8 hours, and build them back up in another 8. Complete transformation in just over half a day. It's really satisfying work too, so long as you're capable of looking past the horrific morally grey nature of it. And I stand by it being grey and not black, they could very well have chosen to be there.

Not...that I know for sure. Not that I lost much sleep over it either. Again. Not trying to argue I'm a good person, but maybe also trying to convince you that I'm not a bad one either. Or maybe I'm just trying to convince myself. I don't know.

It did go too far for me though. Something different did happen that I wasn't comfortable with, and that's why I'm here. Last week, my nurse didn't come with two bags. It came with one. The person I was to operate on walked into my apartment. You'd think that would be a source of relief, confirmation that this has all been voluntary but...well you'll see.

She was a little thing. About 5 foot even, thin but not unhealthily so. Dark black hair, green eyes, and despite looking fairly young, she had this feeling about her like she'd seen a lot. More than she should've for her age. She stood there quietly, as I asked what was going on.

My nurse handed me a paper, stating an apology for the irregularity in our routine, but that "this one had insisted that they Change while they could witness the gorgeous miracle with their own eyes". That last part made me shutter. One of the more...grotesque parts of what I've been doing for the last four years has been taking out the body's eyes and replacing them. It's not overly pleasant to be the one doing it, and I can't imagine having it done to me, especially conscious.

I explained to her that there was absolutely no way I could possibly do this process while she was awake, that just the act alone of removing her limbs would be enough to send her into shock and potentially kill her.

And it is - I've seen it happen. I saw a lot of things during the war I wish I could forget. None, and I mean NONE,  of it unsettled me as much as her reaction did.

She smiled.

This broad, ecstatic smile. I...I tried to scare her, I described the process in depth, cutting through her bones, slicing off her skin, getting more and more disturbingly in depth and grotesque, describing my craft as if it was butchery, trying to instill some sense of fear in her, but the more bloody and gorey I described it the happier she looked. By the end I could've sworn she was rubbing her thighs together, and a wet spot had clearly formed on her crotch.

I...I don't know. Maybe it'd all been building up inside of me, maybe I'm just insane. But I just...I wanted to wipe the smile off her face.

So I hit her.

She dropped to her knees and looked up at me. Despite the bruise already swelling on her cheek, she smiled at me. And then opened her mouth. She sat there, expectantly, tongue out, slowly drooling on my floor. It sparked rage in me like I'd never felt before, as I grabbed her by the hair. If she wanted to be a horrifying, masochistic slut, I was going to give her what she wanted.

There's no good way to say this. It wasn't rape per say, she never dissented...but she also never consented. Verbally at least - she was downright enthusiastic otherwise. Even when I finally pulled my cock out of her throat, having brutally face fucked her, not letting her breathe all the while, and then dragged her by the hair to the operating table. I thought maybe she was just a whore in over her head, but she didn't even flinch at the cold metal. Not even as I started marking out my incision. Not even as I pulled out a scalpel, handed to me by my ever diligent nurse who had just been watching.

Before I started cutting though, she...well. She spread her legs. I could see a trickle of her cum leaking down onto the table. Her holes were clenching and winking at me, and I knew what she wanted.

My nurse did too, apparently, as he immediately adjusted the height of the table to match up perfectly with my hips.

I don't know what possessed me to do it. Any of it. But raping her against that table, all the while cutting and stripping her of skin, pulling and tearing, all while trusting into her impossibly tight holes...I had never felt more alive. And she kept smiling. Even as I took out the bone saw and pressed it against her shoulder. I was on her, in her, looking into those emerald eyes as I dragged the saw across her flesh. Back and forth, blood and gore spraying with each thrust and pull, matching the pace of me fucking her. She came when it hit bone. She came with each push and pull, as the saw ripped through marrow and bone. She came even harder when I took off the second arm.

Then I moved onto her legs. It'd been well over an hour and I'd cum twice, but the smell of her blood and that fucking smile just...kept me going. I took them off right at the hip, and my cum leaked from both her holes, pooling and mixing with her blood. Then,  I placed my scalpel against her collar bone, and dragged it all the way down to her pussy. I cut around it for the time being, wanting to keep the hole intact.

I...I skinned her then. I cut off her skin. All of it, except her pussy. I hardly missed a beat either, my rhythm was impeccable.

...I'm sorry. I'm sure this isn't easy to listen to, but I have tell someone. It won't feel real until I do. It'll just be some blood soaked dream unless someone else knows. I'm sorry.

Then...well, there she was. A hunk of meat, naught to her name but the muscles I'd left on her intact bones and her organs laying out. She was crying by then, but they were happy tears, as she looked on not in horror, but in bliss. Then it was time to move onto the part that made me the most uncomfortable usually, working on the face. But...this time...I had been looking forward to it.

We kissed. We voraciously tried to devour each other at every opportunity as I worked, making incisions, moving bone, filling in parts. I wasn't following what I'd been told to alter this time - I was doing it for me. I was turning her into my perfect, beautiful doll.

Then came the eyes. Her old ones bulged as I got the equipment for the removal and her new ones, and I thought maybe she'd finally gotten her fill. Her squirming in excitement proved otherwise. The splashing and squishing of her organs and raw muscles as she squirmed was...adorable, I'll admit. I whispered in her ear that I'd be quick, so that she could see me adding the rest of her new body, and she came on my dick harder than she did at any other point. I could feel her gushing, soaking both of us in her excitement, as I scooped out her eyes.

Then I began her rebirth. I connected the nerves to the prosthetics, and as I held it in my hand, the optical nerve only just barely connected, she looked at me. The glossy eye moved in my hand. To look at me.

It sounds like something out of a fucking horror film. And...and you know what I did? You know what I did? I kissed it. I kissed her new eye, as it hung out of her bloody socket, and said in a high sweet voice "Hello again! Miss me?". And she blushed. Her new, perfectly proportioned cheeks were a rose red, as I was coated in our mixed cum and blood, and her discarded limbs sat in a bucket next to us, with most of her skin next to them.

It felt...right to put her back together. I did it lovingly. I did it sweetly. I glided her back into place, I rebuilt her from a wriggling mess of blood and gore into a staggeringly perfect thing. Too pristine. Too perfect.

I took a bloodied scalpel and...wrote my name across its porcelain chest. I claimed it. I marked it. I made it flawed, and mine. And with my work done, I collapsed.

I don't know how long I...worked. I don't know how long I slept. But when I woke up it was evening, and my flat was once again pristine. I had requested a long time ago that the money be wired directly to my bank account instead of being handed wads of cash - I do my taxes and as far as the IRS is concerned I'm a very, very successful "consultant" to a bunch of medical facilities across Sweden, as that's where the money is sent to me from. I mention this, because there was an envelope left this time. Not the bulging, cash stuffed one from years past, but a letter.

I was wired triple what I usually was. Apparently I'd "done such a good job with this one that the others want to witness their creation with their own eyes as well, even those who were afraid before." Although I was warned not to add any more personal modifications, or they'd become to attached and not want to leave.

Not only did I get away with this...this...objectively horrific act, I'm being rewarded for it. And I feel like I might lose myself in it. Lose myself and...become something else. Not a doll. I don't know what though. I don't know if I want help, but I think I need help.

So. Can you? Can you help me?

...sir this is a Wendy's.

[gloryundimmed]

dsfgsfkgskjdhg from here because I'm obsessed.

Intoxication often gave Kai way more guts than he'd have sober, but this time, after the words left his lips, he thought he'd gone too far. Right now, what he had with Loux was easy and fun. They could hang out and fuck and commit crimes and push each other to do worse and worse things, but there were no strings attached. A past version of himself would've said this was the perfect relationship— no risk, all reward.

Part of him hated that he felt different now, different enough to speak up about being Loux's boyfriend. He was, admittedly, high as a fucking kite, but he knew exactly what he was saying. It was something he should never say in a friends with benefits deal like this one. He really fucked up this time. If he acted fast, he could pass it off as a slip of the tongue or maybe even laugh and say it was a quote from some TV show.

God, why did he have to be the biggest fucking dumbass in the world? He already knew there wasn't a person alive who would want to date him. Even if there was, he couldn't even imagine how bad it would be to be in a relationship with someone like him. His body and soul were like a black hole, slowly sucking, dragging people down into a pitch-black abyss. That's who he was. A cataclysm in someone's life, a natural disaster that could only destroy. He had no business talking like this.

All he knew was he wanted nothing but to stay with Loux like this forever. If he lost this, there would be nothing left of him, but somehow he still had the nerve to say something so fucking stupid? He really was a fool. Fuck. He took another drag of the blunt they had been sharing and let it out slow, watching it join the haze covering the room. "Fuck," he muttered to himself, flicking off the embers of the joint and placing it on an ashtray to the side. Now, he had to take it back in some embarrassing attempt to save face.

But before he could say anything else, Loux went and did the impossible. The blond said he actually thought about him being his boyfriend. A dark pit formed in his stomach, twisting and knotting it around itself. Oh fuck. Oh fuck.

With trembling hands, he grabbed the blunt again and took a long hit, keeping it down for a good while before releasing the smoke into the air. He couldn't even remember the last time he felt so nervous. It was like walking on a tightrope hanging above a pool of rabid sharks and a promise of an agonizing death should he fall. No, this was much worse.

No no no no no, fuck, you idiot, you're supposed to say no!

He had never been happier that he couldn't see Loux's face. That meant that Loux couldn't see his own, right? Hopefully, those bewitching grey eyes that he loved to gaze at while they fucked each other silly couldn't see how nervous he was all of a sudden. That was wishful thinking, though. Kai's whole body felt stiff and tense.

Then came the real coup de grâce. Loux asked if he wanted to try it.

He didn't even know how to react. Invisible bonds constricted around his chest, a feeling of rising panic threatening to suffocate him as he found it harder and harder to breathe. "I..." he choked out.

"No." Kai winced, closing his eyes. He had to say no. He had to. If Loux got any closer to him, he'd only drag him down like everyone else. He'd fuck it up. That was the only thing he was capable of doing.

...But it seemed he wasn't physically capable of leaving it like that. He wanted to try being Loux's loser boyfriend. He wanted to try it so fucking bad, more than he had ever wanted anything.

"....Yes. Yes. Yes."

Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck, his heart felt like it was going to explode into a million pieces. He glanced down and brushed Loux's messy blond hair from his eyes. For a moment, he hesitated, but quickly gave up, his high making him extra sensitive to the other's warmth on his shoulder. His whole body buzzed from being higher than he really should be. He needed so much more of Loux assaulting his senses. Fucking hell, he really needed it now.

Kai leaned down and licked his bottom lip before wrapping his arm around the back of his head and pulling him in for a deep kiss. When his buzzing lips met the blond's, he felt a wave of endorphins flood through his body, and he moaned into Loux's mouth, tongue dipping inside to taste him. As wrong as it might be, this felt so fucking right.

[hazardousheather]

Im terrified right now.

He got arrested the other night for a DWI and he JUST had court for shoplifting and he got 6 months suspended. He's on probation already, and he's on very thin ice.

I know he sounds like a fuck up, but he's not the same person he was when we got together. Back then he was a soulless fuck boy who didn't care about anyone but himself and he was in and out of jail more times than I can count. He did 2 1/2 years and when he got out, we fucked up in the beginning by getting high but then he got arrested. After that we decided to stop fucking around with our future and grow up.

We got sober. We got jobs. We got a vehicle. We got our own apartment. We were doing so well. Our hours were getting cut at our jobs and we could barely afford to survive, and we ended up losing the apartment. We moved in with my sister, and that's when I found out about his drinking problem - or better yet how bad it was. I told him he needs to quit and stop fucking around with his freedom, and he actually ended up in the hospital due to alcoholic hepatitis. So he stopped... For a while.

Being sober and doing the right thing is a foreign concept to him. I mean his parents were smoking crack while driving with him and his little sister in the back seat. His dad was an alcoholic and his mom was an alcoholic junkie. He didn't exactly have the best role models when he was growing up. I don't know why he started drinking, but I knew we needed to find the reason and fix it before something bad happened.

Unfortunately we were too late. All day the other day I felt in my bones that something was going to happen. It was such an overwhelming feeling I can't even explain it. I knew that it was going to happen that day- I don't even know how. I texted him a few times telling him how much I love him and telling him that if he has to drink, not to drink too much. I told him that I can't imagine my life without him, and he is my everything.

He was on his way home, and then I got the call. He told me he was in the back of a police car and he's going to jail. I panicked. Our entire future flashed before my eyes. Everything that we have worked for is for nothing now. All the blood, sweat and tears mean nothing now. There is no way he's not doing time for this. And I can't talk to him about it because he already hates himself and is terrified of the outcome. Obviously I'm mad, but I'm scared too. I'm scared for him, I'm scared for me. I'm scared of our future being on the line now because I can't afford the apartment by myself. And my sister wants us out by this month. And if he does have to go to jail, my heart will hurt for him. He's been doing so well, (besides the drinking) and he's come so far. The last thing he needs is to be in jail.

I just don't know what the future holds anymore and I'm so scared. Everything is in question now and it's a terribly uncomfortable place to be in. I want to scream "I TOLD YOU TO STOP DRINKING BECAUSE THIS WOULD HAPPEN!!!!" but that won't fix anything. He knows what he did was wrong and he hates himself for all of it. I just hope he learned his lesson for real this time.

What am I going to do without him? He's my everything. He's my other half. I'm not just saying that either. Him and I are like two parts that make a whole. When we're together, we share the same brain. We're like copies of each other. I love that man more than Ive ever loved another man. He's my best friend, he knows things about me that I've never shared with anyone. And I'm not just talking about secrets. Im talking about how he knows my body language, my brain, and everything else. He's my protector, my teddy bear, my partner. I need him.

Im terrified.

[dyandyan0]

one month check-in 10.01.2024

its been one month since i move out here to oc and things have been going pretty OK.

when i last updated things were going very well, and they still are for the most part, but i think things have calmed down a bit and some of the excitement is wearing off and life is hitting me again. i just finished one of my first bigger papers of grad school (13 pages... yayy...) and honestly i procrastinated up until the very last second and turned it in with an hour to spare when i had about 3 weeks to do it. i also saw mitski on saturday, got a lot more drunk than i expected off of just 2 tall boys, and woke up the next day like yeah... i think that's the last time i'm going to drink for awhile

i drank a LOT this past month and i realized that my hangxiety has been getting worse, maybe because even though i've been having fun lately, i have been building up a lot of stress and and use drinking to kind of mellow out and get all social. however, by the time i sober up the next day, i'm straight up having heart palpitations and overthinking my entire life up to that point. ofc this doesn't happen every time i drink but it has happened enough this month where i'm like ok october i'm going sober (with the exception of like one party that i already agreed to)

anyways yeah so i saw mitski on saturday and honestly. i think i agree with those tiktoks that are like she doesn't hit once you find happiness and balance in your life. which is interesting because when i first started listening to mitski in 2020 i was in a super great place, i still just very much appreciate her music and her artistry but the peak of me listening to her and actually being super moved by her music was back when i was going through a break up which was... almost 3 years ago now. my mindset has changed a lot and i don't want to just listen to sad music when i'm feeling alright because it's reasonably a downer. she was also amazing live, but i couldn't help but feel like that was the most boring audience i have ever witnessed. literally a stadium with thousands of people and they were entirely still for what seemed like the whole set. obviously i don't expect someone to open up the pit at a mitski concert but even her upbeat most popular songs i barely saw anyone really even bobbing their heads. i hope i'm not being like tone deaf or something? i just feel like because of tiktok nobody wants to be "that guy" at concerts and get blasted for just trying to have a good time. i need to go to an emo concert again soon and rage.

on the way home from the concert i was drunk ranting to my friend bernard about random things. i told him i only cried twice this year (which compared to last year... i was crying like every other day because i was on hormonal meds). one time because my cousins death anniversary passed by and i was mourning him (which, reasonable. i don't want to get into), and another... over a guy

i didn't think i was gonna talk about this on here because i was like i don't know how public i'm gonna make this blog but i don't really think anybody's gonna actually read it and the chances of him finding and reading it are very slim so fuck it who cares. but i cried once around may over a guy who i had been (seeing, loosely) on and off for like almost two years. he was visiting home from new york and we went to huntington together and it was really nice. i've always enjoyed his company and thought he was a great, reasonable dude. we had a weird relationship but i personally never felt like he did anything to lead me in a certain way or purposefully make me feel bad. but he moved around may of 2023 to new york so i only really got to see him when he was visiting home, which was every few months or so. i had been pretty casual about him up until the last few times he visited, where i was like uh oh... actual feelings are starting to come up for me. i have too much pride to actually admit these kinds of things to people now, especially when i knew that there wasn't really a chance at that point that our dynamic would change, and i didn't even think i wanted it to. so i was stuck there being confused about my own feelings and what i wanted, and then he visited, and when i left his house i started to bawl my eyes out. it was just sad to think that we were gonna have to go back to being strangers again. i texted him a few days later pretty much ending things, and he agreed, and that was that. we still follow each other on social media, and when i saw that he was visiting home again this month, i was pretty broken up about it knowing i wouldn't get to catch up with him again. (even though i was the one who asked not to see each other again.... bruh)

i don't know if i learned any lessons from whatever we had was. i was sad over it, but it wasn't something that consumed my life in the way ex-boyfriends have. i think i'm becoming a bit to avoidant when it comes to dating and stuff for my own good, maybe i'm a little scared to make a connection like that again.

that has been on my mind a lot these past few weeks. that and my assignment that i kept putting off. i think i just want to actually lock in now and maybe fix my fucked up sleeping schedule. this next week is supposed to get hot again and i'm not looking forwards to that :(

[crybabywritersblog]

Dear Christopher,

I hate you. I tried so very hard not to but every time I try to block that feeling flashbacks of your broken promises plays in my head and I go back to the last conversation we had, where you said you didn’t know how serious I was, you didn’t know if I liked you “fr”, you thought I just wanted you for sex and didn’t take anything serious…. How could you? As if I didn’t tell you every second of every day how much I liked and adored you.. as if you weren’t telling me the same…how obsessed you were, “let’s do this on some power couple shit” “I’m in it for the long haul, you got a real one” “Where we’re going to be in a while might be a more important one” all while you already had someone for a whole year before me. I told you every time someone tried to get my attention, even some random guy on the street that stopped me….and your excuse for not telling me about the other person is what again? What you’re saying is making no sense to what you’ve said to me in the amount of time we’ve spent together. You even said you could get a key made for me for your place….I don’t understand, it was all just a game to you.. ”Once you got all that you wanted — nothing was ever the same.”

Well I wanted you, I would have sacrificed anything, I would have done anything, you were endgame for me…All I wanted and seen myself with was you and now I have to vision myself with someone else because I wasn’t the one for you, even though your words said otherwise…It felt like your actions were screaming at me to leave. It’s sad, how I sat there and watched you gain interest in me and then again had to watch that interest die in you towards me, I watched you slowly fall out of like with me….that hurt the most. How you went from so much effort to barely any at all, I went from feeling so close to you to feeling like I was in a long distance relationship. Then after that phone conversation, you text me….. as if you didn’t do enough damage you text me for two days with no response on my end until you finally get the hint…I ended the phone call with “ttyl or actually talk to you never” and disconnected, so why text? You clearly hurt me, another thing you said you’d never do. But did. It’s been 4 days now since our last conversation….4 days sober for me, 3 days since the last time you’ve tried to contact me.. I’m glad you gave up. Let me move on in peace, you hurt me. This, is the impact you had on me Christopher.

Yet. I still wish you nothing but the very best. I prayed for you on multiple occasions…I even asked for your middle name so God knew exactly who I was praying for. I’m still that person that wants the best for you even though you hurt me, even though I have hate in my heart for you now I will always care from a distance, I can root for you from a distance. I think I loved you or could have in another month or two. I was really down for anything, I was ready to take on everything by your side.

……I thought I was losing a good person.. turns out I was dodging a bullet, I hope you heal. I hope you heal every part of you that makes you want to hurt people that would do anything for you.

Goodbye Christopher,

I wish you well.

May your next journey look a lot better than this one.

[hope-of-virgo]

kita gets her first period: an autobiography

content warning: this post will contain descriptions of bodily functions and the menstrual cycle, mostly as they apply to transfemmes.

so this is basically my first experience with "having a period". as some readers will be aware, I'm transfemme and in my first year of HRT. i've been on the stepped-up dose of HRT for the last 4 months, and last month I got the baby version with some of the emotional changes and none of the physical symptoms.

being someone who doesn't own a uterus, i don't get the bleeding so it's a bit hard to tell sometimes what part of my cycle i'm in. about 2 weeks ago i installed Clue on my phone (which is great; you can just straight up turn off the bleeding panel and it'll still track your cycle. can't say the same for all the apps). weirdly, that alone was kind of gender-affirming; my entire life i wouldn't say i "missed it", but it was definitely a bit odd to me that it wasn't a thing that i was a part of. when people ask me "have you always known you're trans", which is a question you shouldn't ask someone and especially not a stranger (looking at you, path collector at my gp's surgery), i usually point them to when i was like 4 years old and felt a bit ripped off that i couldn't bear my own kids. then male puberty happened and my body started changing in a way that i hated. turns out, men actually like being men and i tolerated it rather than having any enjoyment of the experience. and having to fake it all the time is *exhausting*. never fucking mind that men as a group didn't like me because i refused to participate in the "women amirite?" discourse, and women didn't see me as part of the sisterhood because i'm not a gay man. on some level that's fine, but it kind of left me in this nowhere space when it came to relating to my gender. fortunately society as a whole has come a long way when it comes to supporting nonbinary genders.

on saturday, i went to see Betty Who in Melbourne. she was amazing, and Cry Club and Eilish Gilligan opened for her (and were also fantastic). every queer person in Melbourne was there and i've never felt more welcome and included in a space.

while sobering up from the pints i'd drank so i could drive, and hiding the glasses from said pints that i'd stashed in my handbag, i had some takeaway food then drove home. at 3am i got home and went to bed after taking my estrogen. perfect.

come 6am however, the fire nation attacked. suddenly i'm in a race between having some metacloprimide and puking, and taking a seat while genuinely concerned that the fabled double dragon might make an appearance. alison the cat was very helpful in this entire exchange, as she kept me company during the ordeal and nagged at me for breakfast. meanwhile, i'm having cramps bad enough that i was literally sobbing for about 10 minutes, and gradually managed to coax my way back to bed.

i felt like shit all of sunday which i've covered in another post, and spent the entire day nursing an alcohol hangover, an autism hangover, and pms. my fiancee turned up at 7:30pm after work and said "yeah you look like you feel like shit". not sure what clued her in, might have been my appearance or the fact that all the blinds were closed *and* i was wearing the hangover sunglasses in the middle of the living room.

it was a miserable night for sleeping in the middle of summer, and we were both awake at 3:30am. around 5am, the cramps started. ah, cramps. probably the symptom we hear about the most. see, society as a whole has a fuckin' weird relationship with periods. it's only been in the last like 3 or 4 years that we've seen a concerted attempt to try to end period shame, including mainstreaming of period underwear, and a change in language in supermarkets to change from "feminine hygiene" to "period care". which is great! it's a thing that roughly half of everyone deals with for approximately a week every month, and not all of those people are women! a lot of the culture around period shaming has its roots in misogyny, with people claiming that women become complete monsters during their periods, that period blood is somehow worse than other blood, or that it's disgusting to think about blood coming from a vagina because that's where sex happens. just these talking points lend themselves to a fuckin' gross idea that the only thing women are good for is sex and not being in positions of responsibility. **none of these things are true**

and yet, even knowing this, when i started getting cramps, horrifying nausea, and what's colloquially known as "the period shits", the first thing i felt was shame. i felt like i couldn't reach out to my fiancee for support, and that i should take all possible steps to hide what i was going through in that moment. the cramps continued all day, and mine weren't horrifying but i took a heat pack to work just in case. it made it a bit harder to focus on my day, and i was doing my best to not show it to my colleagues. i really can't say as i blame AFABs for getting a bit shitty around this time of the month even without the hormonal mood swings; it's fuckin' hard to keep your cool with people when you feel like your abdomen is being sandpapered, and also if you mention anything it's an invitation for misogyny that society as a whole still normalises. and that's before you factor in things like endometriosis or PCOS, which take the experience to a whole different level. i'm incredibly angry at the federal government for restricting access to opioid-based pain medication while also keeping cannabinoid-based products unavailable to pretty much everyone unless you live in the ACT. society doesn't treat women's pain as any kind of priority, and that needs to fucking stop. greg hunt (aptly named) led that particular charge, and this bitch is about to write an eye-watering letter to both the state and federal ministers for health.

today they haven't been too bad, and i've had a burst of energy as well, which is highly unusual for me, especially considering how much i've been dragging my ass around for the last couple of weeks.

overall though, i'd give the experience so far about a 6/10. i've got a serve of gender euphoria from it, which came as a complete surprise, and i'm still not 100% sure whether i've actually got my period or just in the leadup to it, but i'll know more next month.

i told my bridesmaids and close friends though, and all of them were amazingly supportive. i love my gals, i couldn't ask for better friends. for as much airtime as TERFs get, especially at the moment, the sisterhood has been nothing but beautiful to me. puberty is hard enough at the best of times, and going through it a second time in your 30s is a bit rough. i'm genuinely grateful for all the support i've received, and hope to give the same support to others.

sisters, not cisters

I have period cramps for the first time and I have to go to work in half an hour. this is a hate crime.

yet again I'm amazed by how AFABs do this every month for like 40 years

[hobisexually]

x

[frogtanii]

iwaizumi was... overwhelmed, to say the least.

the past few days had been such a whirlwind of change that hajime could barely properly process, much less appropriately react to it all, so he behaved much like a zombie, saying yes when prompted, signing papers when told, and packing up what was his entire life for the past 11 months.

wow. iwaizumi collapsed on his bed as he scanned his now barren bedroom. he’d been here for almost a year and yet, all his belongings were in boxes within a couple of days.

hajime couldn’t keep the disbelieving chuckle from escaping his chest as he leaned back on his bed, dark brown eyes trained on the ceiling.

it felt like he’d spent such a large chunk of his life trapped in this house, under the foot of the woman who he thought he’d marry but in reality, he’d been in little leagues longer than he’d been in love.

iwaizumi scoffed and rolled his eyes. yeah, “in love”. it’d been about a week since his whole life started to unravel and he had hardly seen, let alone spoken to meiko throughout that entire time.

over text, she’d sworn up and down that she loved and cared about him but as she passed by him packing his things a few days ago, she’d barely spared him a second glance.

hajime wasn’t going to lie. it hurt. he’d opened his heart up to her, something he didn’t do easily, and she’d taken his trust and used it to twist him into her weapon.

he always believed he was stronger than this — he’d never forget his mother telling him so when he was younger. he had fallen and scraped his knee yet he refused to cry to keep from upsetting his mom. iwaizumi existed to live up to what his mother thought of him but here he was, completely enveloped in meiko’s shit, doing her dirty work and following her bidding like some mutt.

god, toorū was right. he really was her bitch.

“i could hear you thinking from down the hall, iwa-chan.” speak of the devil...

oikawa stood at his doorway, leaning against the frame with a posture that seemed relaxed at first glance but if you looked a little closer, you’d notice the tenseness in his shoulders and the tightness of his smile.

hajime quickly sat up on his bed before motioning for his old friend to enter. “uh, yeah,” he began, his voice cracking a little from disuse, “i have a lot to think about.”

the light haired brunette let out an understanding hum before wandering into the room, sharp observant eyes darting to look at all the empty walls. “looks like you’re all packed.”

“pretty much,” iwaizumi nodded before the room fell into an awkward silence, the two childhood friends completely avoiding one another’s eyes.

“look, i-“

“iwa-chan, i’m-“

they both paused for a moment before bursting into laughter, the sound carrying into the hall and throughout the house.

hajime wiped a few stray tears from his eyes, shaking his head at their awkwardness. “you first, shittykawa.”

toorū gasped in halfhearted mock offense before quickly sobering up, training iwaizumi with a completely serious look. “i’m sorry and before you go on some bullshit, self sacrificing rant, you’re not the only one to blame for what happened to our friendship.”

he sighed while making his way to iwaizumi’s bed, sitting down gently beside him. “i should’ve known better, okay? i shouldn’t have let my jealousy and insecurities get in between us but i guess i got swept up in the attention, yknow? meiko is actually charming when she wants to be.”

iwaizumi nodded in agreement, knowing all too well how compelling meiko could be. the room fell into a more comfortable silence as both boys escaped into their thoughts, questions about the future of their friendship flitting throughout their minds.

“oh!” oikawa was pulled out of his own head at hajime’s exclamation, his eyes moving to observe his friend dig through his pockets to procure a thick white envelope. “here. i’d like you to give this yn.”

all toorū could do was nod, his brain short circuiting at the sight of iwaizumi’s apparent kindness to the woman he tormented for so long. “uh, what’s in it?” he ventured to ask, his soft hands toying with the sealed envelope flap.

a soft chuckle came from across the bed. “don’t be so nosy toorū, just give it to her, yeah?” oikawa rolled his eyes but obliged, the bed creaking as he stood to his feet.

“so... this is it, huh?” it was like the reality of the situation was just now sinking in — they hadn’t been close in a while but iwaizumi was still his best friend and he wasn’t quite ready to let him go.

they’d been through so much together, practically growing up together and now, they’d only see each other on holidays, if even then, and then he’d never be invited to hajime’s wedding as his best man as they’d planned and he also wouldn’t be the coolest uncle/godfather of iwa’s children and—

“fuck no,” hajime scoffed with a bright grin on his face. “thought you were gonna annoy me til the end of time shittykawa. don’t tell me you’re quitting your job now.”

the hidden meaning behind iwaizumi’s words brought tears to oikawa’s eyes and before he could stop himself, he launched his body into iwa’s arms. hajime hesitated, his hands stuttering at toorū’s sides as though he’d forgotten how to hug but the feeling passed, his arms winding around his friend’s lithe waist.

“‘m gonna miss you hajime,” oikawa’s voice came out as a broken whimper, his arms tightening around his shoulders.

iwaizumi hummed instead of responding, too afraid of his voice cracking under the weight of his emotions. they stood there for a moment but the honk of the moving truck outside signaled the both of them of their limited time.

hurriedly, oikawa wiped the tears off his cheeks before waving awkwardly at iwaizumi as he left the room with a friendly, “don’t be a stranger.”

and then he was gone.

toorū finally allowed himself to collapse into sobs on his best friends empty bed, his palms pressing into his eyes as he sat there and just let himself feel.

apparently, he wasn’t crying very quietly because it took only a few moments for you to find him, your soft footsteps alerting him to your presence. oikawa scrambled to wipe away what he knew was an unattractive mixture of tears and snot as you got closer.

you were one of the last people he wanted to see him like this.

“hey,” you whispered, standing a few feet away from him. “um, i know this is probably a bad time but i just wanted to thank you for apologizing? back at the awards show?”

toorū sniffed as he looked up at you with confusion written on his face. “what? you shouldn’t thank me for apologizing. ‘s common courtesy.”

you laughed softly, nodding in agreement. “well, not always. so, thank you.” finished with your piece and not too keen on lingering where you weren’t wanted, you moved towards the door but were swiftly stopped before you got there.

“um, here. it’s from iwa-chan.” you gaped at the thick envelope oikawa was handing you before taking it and opening it, a low curse falling from your lips.

inside the package was a dense wad of cash, more money than you’d seen in months. accompanied with it was a letter, written in beautifully loopy handwriting.

you shut it quickly before oikawa could see, stuffing the envelope deep within your pocket where you could access it alone in the depths of your room.

“do you wanna come eat? last i heard, bokuto and tsumu were doing a cooking competition and i’m sure it’ll be fun to watch.” you were severely thrown off by the money and letter but you were determined to show toorū that you’d accepted his apology and were on your way to making amends.

he gave you a shy nod and trailed behind you to the kitchen, the loud sounds of fire and screaming coming from down the hall. you wanted to focus on the fun and merriment but the envelope was practically burning a hole in your pocket.

later that night, you finally got the chance to open the letter and read it, your former manager’s words bringing tears to your eyes.

dear yn,

i’m probably the last person you expected to hear from. you probably didn’t want to hear from me at all if i’m being honest and i don’t blame you. i know there is nothing i can say that could make up for what i’ve done to you but i’d like to try.

i’m sorry. those words don’t nearly express in and of themselves how truly remorseful i am but they needed to be said. there’s no excuse for how i treated you — not meiko, not my stress, absolutely nothing.

you deserved my common decency and respect and i didn’t give that to you. instead, i abused my position and made your life hell. i’ll never forgive myself for that.

uh, i bet you’re wondering what the money is? i promise i’m not trying to pay you off, it’s just all the money i’ve denied you since you moved here. i have a lot of wrongs to right and this is one of them.

sorry, i’m not very good with words but i just wanted you to know that i’m very sorry for everything that i’ve done. and i’m in no place to make demands or anything but i just wanted to ask if you’d keep an eye on oikawa for me.

he’s strong but he’s also vulnerable. he might be a pain in my ass but he’s my best friend and since i can’t keep him from drowning, i was wondering if you’d do that - not for me but for him.

anyways, this letter is shit but i suppose you get the gist. use the money for whatever you want and if you’re as unselfish as i’ve heard, you don’t owe me anything. you don’t owe me money, kindness, or forgiveness.

take care of yourself,

iwaizumi hajime

℗ poker face

so... this is it

series masterlist

(●’◡’●)ﾉ

an - soooo m back :D hopefully this is the last of my mini hiatuses!! this chapter sucked to write but i’m not mad at how it turned out?? pls let me know how i did skjdkd don’t forget to feed me <3333

taglist - if your name is in bold, i cannot tag you

@boosyboo9206 • @geektastic84 • @elianetsantana • @trashy-simp • @infinitebells • @6mattsun9 • @suhkusa • @katsulovee • @kotarosbabygirl • @fucktheworlddude • @insomniacwreck • @calumsfringe • @saltylettuce • @chai-blu • @al3x1ss • @hawksyoongi • @syndellwins • @jooleuuh • @loubells • @kissungjae • @liberhoe • @tetsurocore • @animeoverdosee • @duhsies • @saikishairclip • @afire24 • @premiyagi • @kit-kat428 • @doctorspencereid • @daphnxy • @kyomihann • @maer-333 • @sinoflust19 • @peteunderoos • @peachiikichu • @iidanotlida • @yongboxerrr • @kac-chowsballs • @tanakaslastbraincell • @memorableminds • @risjime • @starry-magicshop • @sugavwara • @smuttyanimeslut • @kiwibirbs-library • @haijkk • @airybnb • @crybabygumi • @iwaisa • @decaffinatedtealover • @notameera • @kawaii-angelanne • @rintarovibes • @urlocalsimp

the rest of the tags will be in the replies!!

[astaroth1357]

Brothers Accidentally Make the MC Cry

Hello, this is the obligatory italics blurb that I have to put under my titles or else things look weird and it bothers me. Don’t mind the blurb. The blurb is a friend. (Though I could start writing pieces of a little story up here just to see if anyone even reads them… Hm…. Ideas, ideas...)

Warning: Angsty

Lucifer 

If he were being honest, he’d say that a part of him had always feared this would happen...

Lucifer likes to tell himself that he’s invincible, but everyday stresses can get to him just like anybody else. And like other people, he may not always act his best when he’s dealing with a full plate…

The MC hadn’t meant to make his day harder when they told him that they accidentally broke a lamp. It was a genuine accident! But Lucifer was still dealing with the fallout from another one of Mammon’s failed schemes, Satan had cursed all of his ties again, and Beel had eaten every scrap of food in the House… for the second time that week...

In comparison to everything else, a broken lamp was quite minor, but for Lucifer it was just the last straw and, for just a moment, he lost control…

His palm slamming against his desk hard enough to snap its legs and send it crashing to the ground. He scarcely knew what kind of look he had on his face, but whatever it was, he had made his human jump back in shock...

Really, it was silly for them to assume that he had gotten that upset over a lamp, but he saw tears starting to gather in their eyes all the same as they stammered out a quiet apology… 

It felt like an ice spike to the heart. Damn his temper… He really ought to have been more careful with them after… well, everything he’d done before…

He was quick to go over to them, catching their face with his hand and giving them the most sincere apology he could muster while wiping away their tears… Overreactions aren’t becoming of him and he hated to cause them pain… 

He, of course, took care of the lamp himself as penance and on the surface that seemed to be it (but to anyone paying attention, he had softened up on the MC considerably for at least a week. They probably could have sworn in front of Diavolo and he’d let it slide, he felt that bad about it...)

“I’m sorry, MC, I shouldn't have reacted like that… You haven’t done anything wrong, I promise… Please, there’s no need to cry…”

Mammon

Oh? What's that? His heart is now in a million pieces now...? Well, that seems fair…

He and the MC were out on one of his gambling nights and he was actually on a killer winning streak for once! Jackpots around every corner, he was rolling in it!

The MC had tried to convince him to just throw in the towel early, take his winnings while he had them and bail, but he wasn’t hearing any of it.

In hindsight, their insistence must have really shown how much the MC cared about him and wanted him to keep his earnings... but in the heat of the moment all he saw was someone trying to spoil his one night of fun.

To be fair to Mammon, it’s rather rare for him to lose control of his anger like he did. But when they tried to pull him away from the roulette table, he genuinely snarled at them and told them to get lost...!

Fortunately, he regretted his actions immediately after he saw the hurt in their eyes…

If their goal had been to get him to step away from the table, they achieved it. But only because he got up to pull them into a hug while stammering out apologies… Watching them actually shed tears hurt worse than any rope Lucifer had ever tied around him...

He spent the rest of the night away from the casino and trying to cheer up his human like his life depended on it... Seeing them in pain just tore him up that much.

"Ah, come on MC… I'm sorry, honest…! Please don't look at me like that, I'll do whatever ya want okay...? Just no more cryin…"

Leviathan 

Now thinks he's the worst, literally the worst. Lower than lesser demon spit. Lower than Cerberus' shit. Lower than… well, you get the idea…

Levi can get very… intense when things involving his passions are brought up. This can be a fairly endearing quality… but it also means he gets disproportionately impassioned about seemingly minor things.

Levi ended up snapping at the MC when they let him over-sleep one day. This wasn’t unusual for them to do as Levi’s sleep schedule was notoriously shitty, but they shouldn't have done it that particular day…

An item he wanted on Akuzon was going to go live that morning and he had to be awake to participate in the bidding. He had mentioned it to the MC the day before, but he blew past it so quickly they didn’t actually remember…

He found out that he missed the bidding after he woke up and he was pissed. Genuinely enraged that they didn’t remember to wake him up to the point that he was shouting and baring his fangs! 

… Really it was not a good look and he should have known better.

The look of fear and the tears gathering in the MC’s eyes snapped him out of it like a hard slap to the face, and somehow, it stung even more than that would’ve... It wasn’t long before he was crying along with them, practically begging for forgiveness...

He made it up to them by having a private showing of their favorite movie using a projector in the Planetarium, cuddling with them under a blanket while still, occasionally, muttering apologies under his breath.

“M-MC��? MC don’t cry…!! Please don’t cry, I- I’m sorry!! I… MC… I’m so sorry…”

Satan

Like Lucifer, he always worried this would happen and he hated when it finally came to pass…

He’d spent all his life learning how to restrain his temper, but it’s not a perfect science. There are the occasional times where the heat of the moment gets the better of him and he does something he regrets…

The MC had walked in on him one morning while he was fuming about Beel leaving the fridge empty again. It hadn’t been the first time they’d seen him like this, but this time he was absolutely furious.

He had told Beel again and again and again to get his snacking under control or to, you know, get up early and get more food so the whole family wouldn’t spend the morning starving but noooo! Mr. I’m Hungry never thinks about anything but his own stomach and then leaves whoever’s on kitchen duty to pick up the slack like some dimwitted muscle-bound meathead and THEN-!!

When the MC tried to take his arm to calm him down, he jerked their hand away from him and roared right in their face. He may not be a lion, but the full sound of a pissed off demon could make humans have breakdowns all on its own…

Which was more or less what the MC began to do as he gripped their wrist, panicking while taking shallow, stuttered breaths…

Satan's anger left him swiftly and he let them go, only reaching out to touch them again when he tried to wipe the tears from their cheeks… He had to coo and beg for them to calm down, which was only so successful because he was fighting back tears himself… 

On a scale of 1-10 of the worse things his temper has ever done, he'd rank this a firm 200... He refused to touch them for about a week afterwards and it took a long time for him to trust himself again… He just didn't want to hurt them...

"MC?? MC…? M… Oh no… MC, I'm so sorry, I would never hurt you! I… I wouldn't dare… please believe me..."

Asmodeus 

Oh baby! Sweetheart! Love of his life!! No, please no… don't subject him to this…

MC and Asmo were out dancing and some witch came by to try and flatter him.

Now, Asmo is a flirt normally, but get a few drinks in him and well… Let's just say his love of attention overrides his better judgment far more often than it should and friends don't let friends go home with creepy witches.

When the MC told the witch to scram, Asmo was confused and, frankly, quite irritated. That lovely lady had been stroking his ego in all the right ways and his human just scared her off so rudely!

Under most situations, Asmo would have kept his cool better but the haze of Demonus made his tongue loose... which let the venom fly…

He couldn’t quite remember what he said. The words left his mouth so quickly that they slurred together on his clumsy tongue, but it must have been enough because the MC flinched away from him.

That hurt all on its own, but as he started to process the pain in their eyes… he had never sobered up so fast...

He had their cheeks cupped in his hands and were kissing away their tears within the instant. Though the loud music at the club should have drowned out his apologies, the MC could see it written all over his equally tearful face…

He pulled them into his arms and then out of the club shortly after, the fog of Demonus that plagued him just moments before had long left him and all he knew was that the MC needed to be brought home and cuddled… stat.

“M-MC…? I’m sorry was it something… did I…? I’m so sorry… Please don’t cry…!”

Beelzebub 

He really didn't mean to shout so loud… honest... 

Beel becomes a completely different person when he’s hungry. He’s not entirely to blame, as his hunger can get so intense, but he still can snap from time to time when he really doesn’t mean to…

It was right after one of his practices and Beel hadn’t gotten a chance to eat in a few hours by the time the MC came to grab him from RAD. That already had him in a bad mood, but practice hadn’t gone too well for him either… 

He honestly didn’t realize how sharply he snapped at the MC when they asked him how he was. The irritation and frustration of the day all hit him at once and he became much harsher towards them than he ever intended…

It must have been the shock of seeing ever-sweet Beel suddenly get so aggressive with them that startled them so. He saw a couple tears gathering in their eyes before they could hide them and his heart just sank…

The MC was picked up in a crushing bear hug before they even let out their first sniffle. Beel didn’t even have to say how sorry he was, they could feel it in every squeeze he gave them. All while he completely ignored the growling of his stomach...

Beel wouldn’t let them go until he was certain they’d forgiven him which, honestly, took a while. Mammon was the one to ask why he had carried them all the way back to the House like a baby but… well, he didn’t need to know, now did he?

“MC, I’m sorry… I shouldn’t have shouted… Are you alright...?”

Belphegor 

Stubborn boi is stubborn and trying really, really hard not to crack right now...

That's not going to last long.

Belphie can be a bit of a brat and since he's the baby of the family so he's used to getting his way. He and the MC don't argue a ton, but when they do, he always digs his heels in and refuses to budge an inch on anything.

So what started out as a simple disagreement on how often Belphie would flake out on his chores turned into a kick-the-door-down argument over how much his laziness left the MC to pick up the slack...

It ended as all their barn burning arguments do, with demon-form Belphie sitting cross-legged on his bed refusing to look at them and the MC angrily pacing about the room until he cools off…

And then he heard it.

First a sniffle… and then a hiccup. Another sniffle then muffled whine…

Oh no… not this… Why are they crying…? They don't normally cry…

To his credit (or perhaps discredit), he managed to hold out for about two minutes before he finally glanced back at them. Seeing the MC wiping their tears all alone on the floor crumbled his resolve real quick.

The MC found themselves enveloped by Belphie's arms before they even noticed he got up. Naturally, he was pouting and trying to make it seem like "not a big deal or anything" but they could tell by the nervous twitch of his tail that he was hurting too…

Needless to say. Belphie started remembering his chores a lot more after that.

"Humans are so fragile… I didn't mean to make you cry, you know? I'll get things done just… Don't cry… please…"

[ayato-comehomepls]

Venti Friends to Lovers🌱

Warnings - None

Genre - Fluff, angst

Nothing compares to a well executed friends to lovers

When both people realize their so thought platonic love for eachother was something much more than that,,,,, and they act on it and voila!! Everything works out!!

But sometimes,,

People aren't as fortunate so soon :<

Venti has more important things to worry about

Such as looking over the people of mondstadt,

And challenging himself to see how many drinks he can order in one night at the tavern

You are nothing more to him than a dear friend, ofc he loves you! But not in that way

It makes him wonder why he feels that burning sensation in his heart when another person makes you laugh harder than he's ever heard,, or smile wider than he's ever been blessed enough to have seen

When someone knows your favorite flower off the top of their head-

He really can't compare to your other friends

He just doesn't pay attention to that stuff yk

Venti would much rather spend all afternoon looking into your eyes and writing songs about you on his lyre than learning "useless" facts like that

So then why does he feel so heartbroken when everybody else knows more about you than he does >:(

He wants to extend the time he spends with you to make it last as long as possible bcs he likes being around you! That's def the only reason!

Er that's what he tells himself so he feels less guilty

Selfishly, he doesn't particularly like seeing you with others

It leaves a bitter taste in his mouth, not the good kind like alcohol

It especially doesn't help how you confuse him by hugging him for a few seconds longer than normal and "accidentally" brushing your hand against his every once in a while

But noooo ofc he wouldn't want to date you- pfft you guys are friends! Friends don't wanna kiss eachother! Not that he would mind if you brought it up but- I MEAN WHAT

He claims it's just curiosity that gets the best of him sometimes

He's seen and experienced so much but not enough at the same time

He's seen nations fall, worlds change, people come and go, but he's never met someone quite like you- let alone kiss someone like you

And he doesn't think he'll see an opportunity like that again

It isn't until he's drunk off his ass does he tell you all the thoughts he's been having

Is honestly surprised when you don't run off disgusted

Was entirely expecting you to reject him- good thing you only half rejected him!!

Venti was ecstatic,, suddenly more sober than was possible for him

Until you told him to come back to you later and repeat his confession when he hadn't touched a few glasses of dandelion wine, only to be sure he really felt that way

So that's what he did,

He even brought your "favorite" flowers, the ones he overheard people mentioning

It was all so sweet except- you told him those weren't actually your favorite flowers...one friend got you them and then everyone assumed they were your favorite

He was kinda embarrassed at first--

But soon felt special because he was the only person who actually knew what your favorite flower was

Venti, what happened to the whole "I don't care for 'useless' facts about Y/N" thing???