#last song ill post for tonight. i swear.

[tornsurvivors]

Now the waves they drag you down Carry you to broken ground But I'll find you in the sand Wipe you clean with dirty hands So God damn this boiling space The Spanish Sahara, the place that you'd wanna Leave the horror here Forget the horror here Forget the horror here Leave it all down here It's future rust and it's future dust I'm the fury in your head I'm the fury in your bed I'm the ghost in the back of your head 'Cause I am

[kimpossibly]

THE CHAIN -> e. roundtree PART FOUR: aurora

PAIRING: eddie roundtree x fem!reader WARNINGS: swearing, drinking, drugs, minor injuries, blood, very suggestive content, implied sex (NOTE: some warnings for this story include MAJOR spoilers for this series down the line, so I'll put those beneath the cut. If you don't want to get the story spoiled, then just ignore it ― but I did want to provide the chance for you to get an idea of how the story will go later down the line if you have any sensitive topics you'd like to avoid. please prioritize your mental wellbeing!)

AUTHOR'S NOTE: HIIIIIIII HI HI HI HELLO AND WELCOME TO THE FOURTH AND FINAL INSTALLMENT OF THE CHAIN! I'm so sorry this took me ten million years to write, it was really hard both time-wise and emotionally, as you'll see later...but HERE IT IS!!!!! This little story has gotten so much love since I posted the first part and it is absolutely insane. I'm almost at 800 followers now, compared to the 300-and-something I had before. It is absolutely crazy how this little plot bunny turned into something that you all really love. I'm glad that this story has brought you guys joy, and I hope I can do that one last time. So, here you go! Part four of The Chain!

WARNINGS (SPOILERS INCLUDED): reader has a life threatening illness. Discussions about death and loss, depictions of grief, hospitals

AURORA (1977-1978)

EDDIE: It started with little things, you know? The drip before the dam breaks. She would have these moments of...of absentmindedness. She'd say "I think I'm going to wear the red sweater at tonight's gig." And I'd say, "I love that one." And she'd say. "Me too." And then she'd pause, and go back to whatever the hell she was doing ― strumming on the guitar, packing for tour ― and all of a sudden she'd say, "Oh, Ed, I'm going to wear the red sweater at the show tonight." I thought maybe she was telling a joke, but she'd look up at me, waiting for a response. So I'd say, "Baby, you just told me that." And she'd say, "I did?" And I'd say, "You did." And then she'd pause again, thinking. And then she'd shrug and just say, "Oh." Oh. Like it didn't even matter that she'd just said the same thing twice and forgotten she'd even said it in the first place. I don't blame her for it. I mean, she was like the opposite of a hypochondriac. She could stitch you up when you got hurt, but she thought she was indestructible. It was all I could do to get her to see that everyone has a breaking point. Everyone has that point that they can't come back from. And I didn't know it then, but she'd already crossed it.

KAREN: The first time it happened ― the first time we really started to realize that something was up ― was during a rehearsal. I think...I think we might've been recording, actually.

Aurora was coming along better than any of them thought it was. The songs were recorded in six days. The band was in the middle of the fourth day, mid-recording of "Kill You To Try," when the drums came to a sudden halt at the song's peak.

And Billy, whose only goal was getting the album recorded so that he and Teddy could take over on the mixing, was on the verge of losing his mind.

It took him a moment to realize the drums had faded away until they were completely gone. The rhythmic guitar faded next, next the bass, and then Billy caught up, his voice breaking off and his headphones pulled away from his ears.

He turned around, an angry knot forming between his brows. "Y/n?" he said impatiently. When there was no answer, he said it again. "Y/n."

She was staring straight forward, arms fallen limp to her sides, a blank look on her face. Her eyes fluttered rapidly, more half-blinks than full stops.

Karen, who was closest to her at the keyboard, walked over and put a hand on her shoulder. "Honey, are you all right?"

And then it stopped. Y/n blinked one last time and her eyes went still. She looked around at all of them, a crease forming between her brows. "What?" she asked, looking back at their stares. "What did I do?"

DAISY: We just...we didn't know what to say.

"You zoned out, dude." Warren replied.

"I did?" she asked. There were nods. "Oh. Sorry."

They went back to recording then, mostly at Billy's insistence, but Eddie couldn't help watching Y/n through the corner of his eye for the rest of the day. She seemed fine enough for the most part, but he couldn't get rid of the sneaking suspicion that something was very, very wrong.

"Okay...okay. Mom, go, I don't need Dr. Medina getting mad at me. I'll call you in the morning. I hope the surgery goes well. Be the best damn nurse the world has ever seen. Okay, bye. Love you."

Y/n hung up the phone and jumped over the top of the couch, lying down and laying her head in Eddie's lap. Everyone else had left the house in Laurel Canyon by now, making them its only two residents. It was quieter than it was before, sometimes unsettlingly so, but they liked it. With the band becoming more and more chaotic, they both needed the quiet. Plus, they could make out in the kitchen without worrying about anyone walking in on them. That was a definite plus.

Eddie stared off into space for a moment, absentmindedly running a hand through Y/n's hair. "You ever think about getting married?"

Y/n sat up, eyes wide. "I'm sorry, what?"

"Getting married. Out of the blue. Just like Camila and Billy."

Y/n stuttered, "Camila and Billy have been together since, like, the beginning of time. We've only been together for...we can't..."

She trailed off, and Eddie's face fell. He covered it up with a shrug. "No, it's fine."

"Eddie, hey."

"No, no it's fine, I get it," he said, getting up from the couch. Yes, it was a risky thing to say. And he hadn't exactly known what to expect, but it definitely wasn't that.

Y/n got up to gently grab his wrist, stopping him in place. "Eddie, Eddie," she said gently as he reluctantly turned. He looked somewhat dejected ― it hurt her to see, so she put on her sweetest smile as she laced her fingers behind his neck. "Camila and Billy got married at three in the morning because she got knocked up. That's not me. That's not us."

He said nothing, but his features softened just the slightest bit.

"It can't be out of the blue, okay? Call me old fashioned, but I want the planning. The pretty cathedral, the stupid vows, the white dress...I want it all. And being in a rock band doesn't really coincide with that, yeah?"

Eddie just rolled his eyes at that, but there was a slight grin on his face as he did so. "Come here," she muttered, pulling him closer and hugging him tightly. He held her back, his chin resting atop her head like she'd fly away if he didn't try hard enough.

"Give me some time. We have a world tour coming up, but after that..." she trailed off with a smile. "That sound okay?"

"Yes ma'am," Eddie responded with a shit-eating grin. Now it was Y/n's turn to roll her eyes and push him away, smiling.

"Why are you in such a rush to get tied down? Aren't rockstars pretty flighty people?"

"I'll let you know you when I see one," Eddie said, and pulled her in to kiss her.

Billy and Daisy were nowhere to be seen. Daisy Jones & The Six's World Tour of Aurora was set to begin in less than a month, and their main attraction was missing from rehearsal. The rest of the band sat around like sitting ducks, fiddling with their instruments like they had no purpose. Well, right then, it was like they didn't. Without Billy or Daisy...practice almost wasn't worth it.

And eventually, Eddie had had it. "Okay," he said, standing up, "this is bullshit. Just because Billy and Daisy aren't here, we have to sit with our thumbs up our asses?"

Warren paused. "Yeah, basically."

Eddie shook his head, giving a bitter laugh. "Yeah, fuck that. Up."

He slung his guitar over his shoulder as they all reluctantly got up, groaning in exasperation. Y/n took her seat behind the drums, Karen got behind the keys, and Warren picked up his guitar. And Eddie headed for the mic, causing a few confused glances between the other band members.

"Hey, Ed?" Y/n called. "What the fuck are you doing?"

"What does it look like I'm doing? We're going to rehearse."

"Yeah, but...you're not going to sing, are you?" Graham said.

Y/n threw a drumstick at him. "Dude."

Warren and Karen held back laughter. Eddie looked around the room, eyebrows raised. "Fine. Anyone else want to volunteer?" he asked. "Please, someone else take over."

No one moved to take his place. Eddie nodded. "That's what I thought. Okay, let's start with Regret Me."

"You're going to sing Daisy's part?" Y/n said, eyebrows raised.

"Nope," Eddie responded. "You are."

Y/n froze. For a moment she thought that might've been a joke.

KAREN: She looked like a deer in headlights. I knew Eddie wouldn't ask me, probably because he was still a little scared of me. But Y/n always hated being front and center. She looked like she was going to be sick.

Eddie beckoned her forward. She looked at the others for help, but all she got in return was wide-eyed looks and desperate shrugs. She looked back at Eddie. "N-No! I-I have to do the drums!"

"Teddy can play the drums. Right, Teddy?"

Caught off-guard, Teddy pressed the speaker button. "Um, sure?"

As Teddy came from the booth into the studio, Eddie walked over to where Y/n sat behind the drums. She had shrunk down as if to hide herself. She stared up at Eddie as though he were about to lead her to the slaughter. "What the fuck are you doing?" she said in a harsh whisper. "I'll kill you, you know. The second we get home, I'm taking the bat and crushing your fucking kneecaps."

Eddie just laughed as he took her hand to guide her to the mic with him. "I know you can do this," he muttered, quiet enough so that only she could hear, "I've heard you sing it."

"In the shower."

"Still counts."

She resisted the urge to slap him right then, looking around at the rest of the band. "If any one of you ever bring this up ever again―"

"Yeah, yeah, save the death threats," Warren said. "Can we all just shut up and rehearse?"

"Oh, now you have a sense of urgency." Y/n muttered.

After one final look around, Graham counted them in, and the song began. And Y/n who had no instrument to play, only stood a solid foot away from the mic, her heart beating so quickly that she could feel it in her skull. Eddie gently took her hand to pull her closer. When he opened his mouth to sing, hers stayed shut.

"You regret me and I regret you," he sang alone. "Except I don't care what you're feeling and I don't need your reprove."

He squeezed her hand, trying to encourage her with only his eyes. And then, quietly, she joined in on the next line.

"I'm a slippage in the system with a natural gift, how I move," he found himself starting to sing through a smile, "So go ahead and regret me but I'm beating you to it, dude."

The chorus was approaching, making Y/n feeling more and more like she was going to throw up. The logical part of her knew that she wouldn't burst into flame if her voice cracked. But the other part? The other part of her wanted to punch Eddie in the face for ever bringing her within a five foot radius of this mic.

"You regret me and I regret you!"

WARREN: They had that chemistry that Billy and Daisy had, but it felt more…lived in. Daisy and Billy were like two pieces of flint that you’d knock together. Sparks would fly and hey, maybe something would catch on fire. Eddie and Y/n were like a bonfire. Controlled. And, if you stood a good enough distance away, you could see how nice it was. It wasn’t as exciting, but it sure was good enough to take the place of the real thing.

She gained confidence the more that she sang. Whether it was the fact that her voice held on or the fact that she got to stand so close to Eddie, she didn't know, but she felt okay.

"Go ahead and regret me, but I'm beating you to it, dude." Y/n finished the song with a smile at Eddie, her face flushed. It took her a moment to realize that the room around her was silent.

Her smile fell. "What?"

"Nothing," Graham said. "That was great. Um...what about Honeycomb?"

Everyone nodded in agreement, going back to their instrument. Eddie pulled Y/n to his side, pressing a kiss to her head. "Told ya."

She suppressed a smile. "Shut up."

EDDIE: The lead up to the tour, I think. That was when things got really weird. She was tired all the time, no matter how much sleep she got. I mean, yeah, we were recording an album and getting ready for a world tour, but it wasn't like normal. We'd come home and she'd go straight to be, sleep until the morning, wake up, and an hour later she'd be yawning again. For a while I thought she might've just been tired of me [laughs].

"Y/n, come on. Time to get up," Eddie said quietly, crouching beside their bed to be at her eye level. Her eyes blinked open reluctantly and she groaned, rolling over.

"My head is killing me."

"I'll get you some Advil."

"No, no, I got it," she said, and then proceeded to lay in bed, eyes shut, curled under the blankets.

After a few moments, Eddie spoke. "Y/n?"

"Five more minutes."

He laughed quietly. "Come here," he said, sliding one arm under her back and one under her legs, scooping her up into his arms.

She wrapped an arm around his shoulders gratefully, burying her head in his neck. "Wow, you're so strong," she said with a little giggle.

"Yeah, yeah. I can still throw you down the stairs."

"Ooh, I'm counting on it."

They went to rehearsal―where, luckily, Daisy and Billy were already located―and got to work. Eddie kept an eye on Y/n out of the corner of his eye. Her headache had worsened on the drive there despite her taking more pain pills than was probably necessary. She played just fine, but she cringed ever so often at the punctuated hit of a hi-hat. He thought about taking her off the drums for a bit and putting Teddy in her place, but she'd just get angry at him.

In the middle of Let Me Down Easy, the drums stopped suddenly, drum sticks clattering to the floor. Everyone looked up to see Y/n sprinting out of the room, a hand clamped over her mouth. Eddie froze. Karen was the first to move, running after her to make sure she was all right.

They all stood in silence for a minute or two, unsure of how to proceed. Karen came back, running a hand through her hair. "She just got sick. She's fine now, but I think we should give her a minute."

"What, does she have the flu or something?" Graham asked.

"Maybe she's pregnant," Camila suggested. Everyone turned to look at her at once. She blinked. "What?"

Eddie left the room then, feeling like he was about to be sick himself. The bathroom door was ajar when he got there. Y/n was sitting on the floor when he walked in, knees tucked to her chest, her head propped up by one palm.

"Hi," she croaked.

"Hi. You okay?" he asked, sitting beside her.

"Fucking fabulous," she replied with a slight grin.

He smiled and kissed her forehead, wrapping an arm around her. "D'you think that maybe it's time you see a doctor? I mean, the headache, you're tired all the time, and now this?"

"No, no," she waved her hand to brush that away. "I get like this sometimes. It's like allergies. It's whatever. I'll ask my mom on the phone later. She's never failed me."

Eddie nodded, going silent for a moment. "Are you maybe...do you think you might be pregnant?"

"No, I'm―" Y/n began, then cut herself off. She paused for a moment, thinking. Then she turned back to Eddie, eyes wide. "Um."

Cut to the two of them in the bathroom at midnight, Eddie pacing and Y/n staring at a little pregnancy test on the counter. It had taken them nearly half a dozen drug stores to find a regular pregnancy test, not to mention the fact that they grew more and more panicked with every second that passed.

"What if―"

"Nope, no," Eddie cut her off, "We are not playing the What If game right now. Whatever happens happens, and we'll deal with it."

Y/n nodded, pursing her lips. "But, what if―"

"Y/n, no."

After a few minutes of anxious silence, Y/n exclaimed. "Look, I see a line!"

Eddie quit his pacing to rush to her side, looking down at the test. "What does that mean?"

"Two lines means I'm pregnant."

"There's only one."

"I know that, Eddie."

"Well, what does that mean?"

And then they were scrambling for the box, looking for the instructions they worried they might've accidentally tossed out. Once the box assured them that one line meant Y/n was definitely not pregnant, they both let out a sigh of relief, Y/n slumping over the counter in exhausted victory. "I feel like we should take several rounds of shots right now."

Eddie wrapped his arms around her waist. "Thank God, I was about to call Karen's priest."

She laughed, feeling giddy.

"Would it have been the worst thing In the world, though?" he asked.

Y/n turned her head to look up at him. "Sweetheart, we're about to leave for a world tour. The timing isn't exactly ideal," she paused. "But no, it wouldn't have been the worst thing ever. I mean, I would have a lot to explain to my extremely Catholic grandparents, but no, I wouldn't be entirely devastated."

Eddie couldn't stop a smile that spread out of her sight. "First you want to marry me and now you want to have my children? God, are you obsessed with me or something?"

She gasped in mock offense, tearing herself from her grip and glaring at him. "You precocious son of a bitch."

"Careful, you might accidentally turn me on."

She narrowed her eyes, staring at him for a moment. Then, quick as a flash, she turned and ran to the bedroom. Eddie chased after her, their screams of laughter floating up through the ceiling as he slammed the door behind them.

AURORA WORLD TOUR (1978-1979)

WARREN: Tour life was crazy, man. It always had been, but that one was insane. Daisy and Billy had it out in Rolling Stone, and everyone wanted to see their little shitshow. I'm not saying that their blowup was what rocketed us to the top...but it fuckin' was. Drama, man. The people eat it up.

Daisy Jones & The Six was the shit. Everywhere they went, massive crowds followed. Record sales were at an all-time high. Everyone knew the band. They were on top of the world.

Eddie thought every day about taking a knee and proposing to Y/n. In the middle of a show, even. He'd do it in the dead of night. They never tired of each other, no matter how long they were together. They were attached at the hip until they were forced away, which, now that they were on tour together, wasn't often.

They had made a routine. Wake up, rehearse with the band for a couple hours, and then go walk around whatever city they were in. Then they'd play the show, go to a party, and go back to their hotel room. They clung to each other through all of it. Eddie wasn't quite sure what the terms of common law marriage were, but he was sure that they would meet all of them. But he'd wait until the tour was over, just like she said. And then he'd marry her. That much he knew.

When they got to Chicago around early July, it was set to be their biggest show of the tour.

KAREN: Tensions were high. I don't think the two of them noticed, or they were too in love to care.

They stood backstage, the sounds of the crowd growing louder and louder as more people arrived.

Camila turned to wish her good luck with a smile, but it quickly faded. "Oh, honey, your nose."

Y/n frowned, then felt a drip. She swiped her thumb underneath her nose and it came away slick with blood. "Oh," she muttered, "oops."

"Are you alright?" she asked in a very mom-way.

"Yeah, feeling okay," Y/n nodded. "Goodnight, Julia."

Camila rocked her daughter, "Say bye-bye, Julia."

Julia lifted a hand and made a grabby motion in farewell. Y/n giggled and did the same back, still holding her nose. "Bye, Squishy," she said, poking one of Julia's little dimples. The girl giggled and clung to her mom, disappearing out of sight.

She staunched the blood as best she could once she found tissues, stashing bloody tissues in her bag rather than the trash can so as not to worry anyone. She swiped on some glitter anywhere that would catch the light. Eddie came in as she was tying her hair up. He pressed a kiss to her cheek and she wrapped her arms around him, laying her head on his shoulder.

The moment her eyes closed, she got this feeling like she wanted nothing more than to let them stay closed, to drift away into sleep right there. She was tired. There were thousands of screaming people out there waiting for her, and all she could think about was getting to sleep as soon as possible.

"Maybe this tour is it," she muttered into Eddie's shoulder.

"What?"

She paused, trying to form a thought into words. "After this. I don't know if I can do it again."

They pulled apart and Y/n saw a crease between Eddie's brows. "What makes you say that?"

Before she got a moment to figure out what exactly made her come to that conclusion, she was being pulled forward onto the stage by Warren. The crowd came to a deafening roar as they appeared, and Y/n waved and smiled like she had done a hundred times, taking her place behind the drums.

They all picked up their instruments, and then Billy turned and gave Y/n the nod. The first drum hit of 'Aurora' rang out, and the show began.

EDDIE: The show was great. We all played great, the crowd was great, it was all...[pauses] it was great.

The set was coming to a close. They had played through nearly the entirety of the album, throwing in some older songs of theirs. But the crowd had ceaselessly been chanting for one song in particular, one that had purposely been left off the setlist for the entirety of the tour: Look At Us Now.

Everyone looked around at each other, then at Billy. He glanced back at them as if asking permission. They each gave a nod, and Daisy turned back to the mic. "Who wants to hear Honeycomb?"

The screams of the crowd that followed were enough to answer that question. Billy looked back at all of them again. "You know what to do."

Billy picked up an acoustic guitar from the side of the stage and came back. He tapped his foot a couple times to set the pace, and then he began to play.

The crowd sang every word with them, for them at times. And Y/n selfishly thought she had the best seat in the house. From the back of the stage, she could see it all. The crowd, the band, and everything in between. How could she let this go? This tour couldn't be the end of it all. She decided right then that she wouldn't let it. Not when there were views like this in the world and she was one of the few that got to see it.

And in an instant, it all went haywire.

Daisy and Billy were so caught up in the song for a moment that they both failed to notice as the drums grew more and more muddled until they stopped all together. Drum sticks clattered to the ground, heads snapping in their direction. Thousands of eyes saw as Y/n slumped out of her seat, collapsing on the ground beside the drums.

Instruments were dropped haphazardly as everyone on that stage stopped what they were doing to rush to the drum set. Rod left his spot in the wings to see for himself as Y/n laid stiff on the ground, seizing.

What followed was a rush of colors and light, of ambulances and ceilings, none of which she could really see or understand. But Eddie could. Eddie saw and understood all of it. And that, possibly, was the worst part.

Y/n woke up not long after, feeling as though she had just woken up from restless sleep. She asked quick questions, which were answered in short, quick words by Billy and Camila. Who she really wanted to speak to was Eddie, but he was laser focused on whatever needed to happen next. All he could do was hold her hand and squeeze back.

By the time she was in her hospital bed, she was convinced that she was perfectly fine. The part she was most upset about was ending the concert early―which, she assured them, would not happen again.

"After I get treated for whatever this is, I can come back, right? Rod?"

"Calm down, kid. You just had a seizure. Give yourself some time to be overdramatic before you get back on the road," he said with a slight chuckle.

"Miss L/n, have you ever had a history of epileptic seizures?" the nurse in the room asked. Y/n shook her head, and the nurse gave a nod. "I'll be right back with the doctor."

She left, and Warren suddenly gave a shiver. "Fucking hate hospitals."

Y/n shrugged. "I basically grew up in one."

"Ah, so that's why you're...you."

Several people had to dodge as Y/n hurled a pillow at him. Then, realizing it was the only one she had, she pouted. "Give it back."

"Oh, this pillow? The one you threw at me?" Warren said, being annoying as usual. "No way, sister. This is my property now. Bequeathed to me by your sorry arm muscles."

"I'll beat you up as soon as I get out of this bed."

"Sure you will, honey."

The door to her room opened and the doctor stepped in. He was tall, older, and graying a bit at the ends. "Hi there," he greeted. "I'm Doctor Lawrence."

Y/n waved, and he suddenly seemed to realize how many people were in the room. "I'm sorry, I'm afraid only family are allowed in here," he said.

Y/n immediately grabbed Eddie by the wrist. "He's my husband!" she said. Everyone quieted. "And they're my brothers," she looked at Billy and Graham, "sister-in-laws," she glanced over at Camila and Karen, "he's my cousin," she nodded to Warren, "and he's my weird uncle," she said, looking at Rod. Then she looked back at the doctor. "They're my family."

The doctor didn't believe a word she'd said. But after a moment of silence, he nodded to the group. "You can stay."

Y/n sighed in relief, lacing her fingers with Eddie's. If anything were to happen that night, she'd rather have him by her side.

Doctor Lawrence asked her a couple menial questions, then rambled a bit about what exactly seizures are (which, of course, she already knew) and suggested a CT scan to better understand what was going on. She agreed.

The next few hours were rather boring. Silences were punctuated with pain, as Y/n grew to realize how stiff her neck was. Her arms and legs were sore, but that, she assumed, was from the seizure.

"It's too bright in here," she commented when she was returned to her room. "Can I turn the lights down a little?"

People milled about. Camila had to go to be with Julia and the twins. Graham and Karen got coffee. Warren and Rod sat around her hospital room, competing to see who had the crazier stories (the winner, of course, was Rod). Eddie sat beside Y/n on the hospital bed the entire time, talking to her as she came in and out of consciousness

One of the times her eyes blinked open, she frowned, looking around in confusion. "Where the hell am I?"

Eddie paused. "You're in the hospital, Y/n."

Her eyes widened. "Why?"

"You...you had a seizure."

"Oh," she said. He felt her flex her fingers in his. "My hands feel weird. I can't feel your hand."

Eddie began to panic. She was treating every new horrible thing as though it were a new science fact she had just learned. "Y/n, what―"

Doctor Lawrence returned then, Karen and Graham trailing behind him. Billy returned not soon after. The only one not pale and freaked out was Y/n, who seemed content braiding small strands of her hair.

"The CT scan came back. She has a severe case of encephalitis."

Everyone looked around, most of them either hearing that word for the first time or not knowing what it is. Y/n did. "How? Meningitis?"

"Hard to say. It probably started out as a virus, something that triggered a strong autoimmune response."

"Can I take an antiviral to treat it?"

"Sorry, can someone explain what the fuck you're saying?" Warren finally asked.

Y/n sighed, letting go of her third braid. "My brain is inflamed, and it's swelling. It's pressing on my brain stem and it caused the seizure."

"That sounds...bad?" Graham said.

"Yeah, but it can be treated," Y/n said with a shrug. "I'll need to take antivirals for a bit, right?"

The doctor paused. "Yes, you would for a less severe case."

Her eyes narrowed. "So, what do I do for my case?"

He went silent. Y/n froze. Everyone looked to the doctor, who seemed unsure of how to continue. "I'm sorry."

Y/n understood what he was saying. She felt her sore muscles stiffen up again, this time from panic. "You're saying there's nothing? Do I just have it let it go away on its own, or...?"

"A case this advanced won't go away on its own."

"Well, if it won't go away on its own and we can't treat it, then...then what?" she asked, her voice becoming more panicked. "What do I do? Tell me what to do, I'll do it."

Lawrence just shook his head again. "I'm so sorry. I'll give you all a minute to figure out how you want to proceed."

He left then, and everyone was silent.

"Y/n," Eddie said, his voice quiet and careful, "what does that mean?"

She was staring at the blanket over her legs, eyes blank. "Can someone please get my mom on the phone please?" she asked quietly.

"Y/n, what does it mean?"

"It can't be treated. It's not going to go away on its own, it'll just get worse," she said in a quiet, calculated voice, like she was reading from a textbook. "It'll put more and more pressure on my brain stem. And the brain stem regulates circulation and breathing, so..."

Karen let out a sob, her hand reaching up to cover her mouth. Y/n couldn't bear to look up at the faces around her, because she knew she'd see a reflection of exactly what she was feeling right then: hopelessness.

It meant that she was already gone.

"Someone get my mom on the phone. Please."

The night that followed was awful. Camila returned, having finally found someone to watch Julia and the twins. Y/n had watched as Billy told her the news. She teared up, tears streaming down her face within minutes. But she shoved them away as she walked into the room to give Y/n a hug. She chatted about how Julia missed her. She did a good job of keeping the conversation off of the obvious. Y/n was glad for it.

Eddie ended up beside Y/n on her bed. She curled into his side, floating in and out of consciousness. She seized twice more, once just past one in the morning, once after the sun had just started to come up.

Her mom arrived on a flight from Pittsburgh at two. The first time Y/n cried was when she saw her walk into the room.

The morning brought some sense of comfort. Karen and Billy went out to get coffee and bagels for everyone. They all sat around and talked about something other than music, which they hadn't done as a group in years, maybe in forever.

Y/n glanced up at Eddie at some point during the conversation and noticed that he had a strange look on his face. "What?" she asked, nudging him.

Eddie looked down at her, a million thoughts in his head at once, all of which combined to form one coherent sentence.

EDDIE: I told her right then and there that I wanted to marry her. I didn't care how much time she had left. I wanted to call her my wife.

KAREN: When I looked at Y/n, I could just tell...he didn't have to say it twice.

GRAHAM: It all happened so fast from there. Karen called the minister that had done Camila and Billy's wedding ― once we told him the circumstances, he was pretty quick to agree to officiate. That guy was metal, man. He'd done two last-minute weddings for a rock band within two years. Show me another priest who could brag about that. Not that priests brag, right? Jesus was humble and shit. But you know what I mean.

CAMILA: Eddie left to get a tux. He said he wanted to do his part, even if Y/n was wearing a hospital gown.

EDDIE: I think I said something really cheesy about how, if she could look that good in a hospital bed, then I could at least do my best to look the part of a groom. She loved it.

KAREN: Graham went with him, for "style advice," is how I think he phrased it. Really I think he just went to make sure he had someone there with him. None of us really wanted to leave Eddie alone.

GRAHAM: I think we got the first one that fit. He wore it as we left the place. Eddie wasn't screwing around. He was giddy the whole time. He would go dead silent for a few minutes and then talk my ear off for another few. All in all, I think we were gone for maybe forty-five minutes. An hour, tops. We didn't know...we didn't realize they couldn't call us if something happened.

KAREN: It happened so fast. She was so excited, she was talking so quickly I could barely understand her. But she was beaming at us the whole time. You couldn't help but be happy for her.

BILLY: Twenty minutes after they left, she asked for something. Ice chips, I think. The nurses gave them to her all the time, she was kind of addicted. She asked if we could get her some, and Karen said something stupid like, "I'd get you a private jet if you asked for it." And she laughed and said "Don't tell me that ― I might ask, just to see you sweat."

DAISY: Billy left the room to get her some ice and then...I'm no doctor, I can't tell you exactly what happened.

CAMILA: She started seizing up again, so Karen and I tried to put her on her side, but she started fighting us. Like, smacking us away whenever we tried to touch her. I don't know if it was her or...[Pause] something other than her. That's the kind of thing that keeps me up, you know? She was so happy to get married. So happy. But when she hit us away...it was almost like she knew exactly what she was doing.

KAREN: The doctors came in and shooed us back out into the waiting room. Camila didn't want to let go. Neither did I. They practically had to pull us off of her. Billy found us out there, still holding the ice chips, and Camila just started bawling. She didn't say anything, but I think he could piece together what it was that'd happened.

DAISY: Karen sat down. Billy stayed up with Camila, holding her while the ice in the cup started melting down to water. We couldn't have been out there more than ten minutes when the doctor came out. The look she gave us...we just knew. We knew.

BILLY: Camila was almost screaming. Karen left; we didn't ask where she was going. All of a sudden, it was like...like the first time I ever took a punch. You know, you've heard about getting in a fight and taking a hit so hard it makes your head spin. And then there's the first time it really happens to you, when you take your first punch. And there's this brief moment in between the hit and the pain. You know it's coming, but there's that delay before it gets you. In a second, you get the air knocked out of you, and then...[Shakes head] and then it hits you. It didn't feel like losing a friend, either. I lost a sister.

KAREN: I was just completely blindsided. I walked out, not really knowing where I was going. I felt like I was going to puke, and I didn't want to do that in front of everyone. I think we all forgot, you know, that Graham and Eddie were out...

CAMILA: I remember looking over Billy's shoulder, seeing the car drive back up and Eddie stepped out in the tux. He was holding a bouquet of flowers in his hands, talking a mile a minute, and I just...[Chokes up] I couldn't tell him.

BILLY: He walked into the room, and he saw her, and...God, he just...he pulled out this little box from his pocket. He took her hand, opened the box, and put the ring on her finger. He kissed her on the forehead, and then he left.

KAREN: Camila was his first love, yeah. But Y/n? She was the love of his life, man. He had something people would die for, kill for. And the minute he realized it, the minute he realized what he had, the universe snatched it away from him. Life is un-fucking-fair, man. Always has been and always will be.

CAMILA: God, he really loved her. He really did.

When Eddie got the call, he was surprised to hear that she wanted to speak to him directly. Even more so, he was surprised to hear that someone wanted to write a book about the band. He had always been a firm believer in leaving the past in the past, but she was persistent. Plus, he couldn't say no. Not to her.

They met in a park near the coast. They chatted about life, what she was doing, what he was doing, and it was the general consensus that all was good and well.

"So, where should I start?" he asked as she hit record on the camera.

Julia stepped back from the camera. "Just...tell me about Y/n."

He paused, caught off-guard. And then, he smiled. "This might be a while."

EDDIE: It's not all bad anymore. I got time with her. I'll always wish I had more, but the time I got...it was great. It was the best time I've ever had. But I was able to move on, meet someone new. I think about her every day, and I always will, you know? A person like Y/n...that doesn't leave you. And Jesus Christ am I grateful for that. Julia...I'm really glad you're doing this. Your Aunt Y/n would've loved it.

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[incandescentflower]

People I Want to Get to Know Better

tagged by @my-rose-tinted-glasses thanks for the tag, rose!

Last song: I hear Espresso everywhere on loop, I swear

Favorite Color: red/purple and any combo of them both

Currently Watching: more than I can manage, and based on what I've seen from others, I'm clearly ill equipped and not up for the challenge of this season's airing schedule. I want to also add a kdrama, but I've been torn about which one I should start first.

(I did start The Miracle of Teddy Bear though)

Also, rewatching Bad Baddy for the <redacted> number of times.

(also also, a made this post quickly because I had four shows at episode 4 and I wanted to screenshot it before I watched anymore tonight- so that in and of itself probably tells you something about me)

Last movie: I watch so many more dramas than movies, but I think it might have been Bottoms?

Currently Reading: The 8th book of Heaven Official's Blessing - now in the extras.

Sweet, Spicy, or Savory?: how about sweet and savory together? like chocolate covered pretzels or sweet and savory crepes, yes please

Relationship: yes, I am relationshipped

Current Obsession: jeez I wish I had one. my brain seems to not have the focus for the burrr right now. I really need to read more Hualian fic.

Last googled: Bottoms because I wanted to remind myself if that was the last movie I watched :)

Currently working on: writing something. anything. just for the love of all that is good in the world can I finish. just. one. thing.

tagging @twig-tea @lurkingshan @hyeoni-comb and @stickers-on-a-laptop mostly because I'm really curious to see your current watch lists, but no pressure at all

[greypetrel]

Distance.

Ages ago, @salsedine sent me not one but 2 prompts from this Florence prompt list. You can find the first one here for some mutual F!Mahariel/Morrigan pining, but the second one...

Big God is one of those songs I really like and always need to listen to… twice or thrice in a row. I wanted to do it good and catch the feeling and I felt like I always was going out of theme. I wrote this prompt. And re-wrote it. And re-wrote it again. Settled on an idea. Wrote it twice. Re-read it and be angry at it.

I was considering changing the character (in my mind it's an Aisling song, but MH), or making it crack, but then I read Florence talking about it, describing this song as a “obviously, an unfillable hole in the soul, but mainly about someone not replying to my text"...

… And I realize I already wrote it in one of my ten thousand iteration.

So here you go it’s angsty. Post Trespasser. AND it’s epistolary, because I wanted to try it. Maybe I’ll post the bigger version on AO3, it’s Aisling’s pov and it got discarded because it was getting LONG even for my standards. That needs an ending and some more editing, tho, so here you go in the meanwhile.

37. The best of the best and the worst of the worst CW: Mental illness, PTSD, Depression

Sometimes I think it's getting better And then it gets much worse Is it just part of the process? Jesus Christ, it hurts Big God – Florence + The Machine

Skyhold, August 27, 9:44 Dragon

Aisling,

Just writing to check in that you got there all right. Stupid of me, since you left but… What, few hours ago?

I hope you can forgive me for organizing all this. I swear it’s not to send you away, it’s not because I don’t want you, but I don’t think staying here was doing you any good. Three days in a bed are too many, my love, I hope you can forgive me for worrying.

I am already missing you, before you can think of anything else. If you need, please know that I’m but a letter away. Ask, and I’ll come running.

All my love, Cullen

---

Skyhold August 29, 9:44 Dragon

Hello, love.

I’m told you arrived all right and you settled in Stone-Bear Hold, and I wanted to give you a welcome myself.

Don’t take these as any pressure to reply. Take your time, I am here waiting until you’re ready.

Pet Storvacker for me as well, would you?

All my love, Cullen

---

Skyhold, August 31, 9:44 Dragon

My love,

Nothing much happened, don’t worry. It’s all bureaucracy and I’m quite bored.

I must say that you were right, your room is indeed dauntingly big - I’m rolling my eyes at your smug grin, right now. I left all the pieces of my armour on the floor, one beside the other, to fill it a little and to recreate some mess. You can laugh. Since you’re gone it’s all too tidy, and I miss you.

All my love, Cullen

---

Skyhold, Kingsway 3, 9:44 Dragon

My love,

I missed yesterday, sorry about that.

I’m fine, it was just a busy day. Before you ask: yes, I’m eating regularly and I’m fine.

I think Dennet is a little bored, without you and Little Brother around. I caught him snorting grumpily at a horse that obeyed to him right away, the other day. I hope Little Brother is well, I am sure I don’t have to tell you to give him an apple from me.

Or should I? I got told you didn’t go to the stables onc  Nevermind that, you surely know better.

Love, Cullen

---

Skyhold, Kingsway 5, 9:44 Dragon

Is it already a week since I last saw your face? It seems a lot more.

I slept in my old loft tonight, it’s less big and daunty and I had a lot of work. It feels void anyway, without you, and whatever company there is at lunch can’t hold a candle to you, even if I appreciate it. See? I’m also eating with other people, like you’d want. It’s not really the same without you, but I’m holding on. And struggling to make these letters longer, as you’d want too.

Without you making shenanigans with Dorian and Sera, it’s all too quiet, and there’s really little to report.

Beside that I miss you.

All my love, Cullen

---

Skyhold, Kingsway 7, 9:44 Dragon

Aisling,

I hate to speak about work, particularly right now. But this bears importance to mention:

If you’re approached by Sapphira, please turn her away. She came up with a plan and… We turned her down already, Cassandra is dealing with it. Do not worry at all, but if she comes to you, please be wary, I doubt she is your friend. I doubt she was ever our friend.

I hate to write this letter with such things. My plan was for you to forget about work for a while and figure things out, and look at me. You really married the wrong person not to talk about work, I fear.

I am sorry, love. I hope you’re doing better and are more rested. I hope you can get out of bed in the morning with no problems.

If you are and you do, then missing you so much is fine.

I love you, Cullen

---

Skyhold, Kingsway 8, 9:44 Dragon

Love,

I’m making up for yesterday’s letter with a better one.

I managed to convince Cabot to give me the recipe of his scones, and to let me try it with his supervision.

I did some turns in the kitchen back when I was training, and well. I’m no baker in any way, but they didn’t turn out so bad for a first trial. I think you’d like them. And it was pleasant to do. By the time I’ll see you again I hope I’ll be better.

Maybe after I’ll learn these I’ll ask the cook to teach me to make custard, what about it?

I hope you are eating enough.

I do miss you, a lot. Cullen

---

Skyhold, Kingsway 11, 9:44 Dragon

Aisling.

I understand you aren’t well. I understand you need time and space, all too well.

This is in no way meant as a criticism or to withdraw anything I ever professed for you. I still love you, I still want you, I have no intention of leaving you, ever if you’ll let me stay.

It’s just been a difficult night and I fear that-

I don’t know what to think of your lack of answer and it’s terror-

I’d need for you to write back, just to

Please-

Never mind that.

I wish you answered to me. Just once. Tell me you’re fine, tell me anything, really.

Please.

I shouldn’t send this.

I do love you, I do, and I wished you were fine and you were here.

C

---

Skyhold, Kingsway 12, 9:44 Dragon

Aisling,

Never mind the letter from yesterday.

I’m sorry I sent it, I shouldn’t dump that on you right now.

The love still stands. I’m better now. Could use a full night sleep, but this bed is just so damn big. I complained to Josephine and she laughed because apparently you told her the same thing.

She told me to say hi, maybe you’ll read this before her letters? Well. We all miss you.

Love, C.

---

Stone-Bear Hold, Kingsway 13, 9:44 Dragon

Cullen,

I am so sorry-   Please, if you-   If you can bear to forgive-

I’m sorry, I really am that you’re not well and facing it alone. Before you can tell me so: no, I don’t mind listening. Please, tell me more. I hope you are really better, and it’s not something you wrote to make me feel better. Don’t lie just to spare my feelings, please, I’m better knowing.

I know you’re strong and you’ll make it through, you did so many times before and you’ll do it one more time, I trust you. Just, take it easy, please. You made the right choice and it’s good to pursue this path, even if it’s difficult and it hurts and thirsty.

You can do it. You already did it. More than once. I have not many things to believe into, right now, but I do believe in you.

I am fine.

Since when you started seeing that as a lie? I do wonder if it was exactly when you started complaining about it, or if you realised sooner. Comes to mind I never asked you.

I am surviving, I can’t say anything more than this, I am afraid.

It’s… I am so sorry. I have forced myself to read your letters just today, in truth.

Physically I am fine. I am not in pain, the wound closed well and the Healer is happy with it, says that beside the scars I have nothing to fear anymore. My balance is still off, but I trip and bump less and less. Nonetheless…

I am given things to do. I help the Augur and Sigrid Gulsdotten in their activities, and it’s good and honest work. The morning is for people, helping them out, preparing rites, picking herbs when we finish them. The afternoons the children come for lessons, and I’m more another student than a help, but the Augur doesn’t seem to mind much, and I quite like listening to the lore. I can’t but wonder if the Lady of the Sky was also a not going there.

After that is when time stops. I don’t know what to do, honestly. I lived so much out of roles and paths pre-traced for me that now that I’m out of them all I find myself in the void. Do I like the things I do because I had to, because of habit, or because I sincerely do? When I am left with nothing left to do, I don’t know anymore. I don’t know what I like and I don’t know who I am.

That’s why I haven’t replied before. It’s like… I think back of the person I was, and it doesn’t feel like I’m her anymore. I am terrorized at the idea that I’ll open those letters and they’ll all be addressed to a person that’s not me anymore. I can’t take it, right now. Thank you for having written, and thank you for not having written to her.

I miss you so much.

I miss you most at lunches: no one here can hold a candle against you, too. I miss our conversations and your friendship.

I miss you in the afternoons, because all that comes to mind is that I could curl in the corner of the couch in your office. Complain because it’s always full of boxes of reports and there’s no space. And just watch you work.

I miss you at nights the most. Sigrid is a good hugger, but she’s not you, she hasn’t your smell and she cuts the hugs always short.

Tonight I missed you so much that… Ida Sigridsdotten and Annike Majasdotten married, today. I put up a dress and smiled and helped the rites as I was asked to. But when it was over, and people started walking to the Hall for the banquet I missed you so much, I couldn’t ignore the memories. It was so unbearable that I fell back and decided to open one of your letters. Just one, I thought, I need to know who you were talking to.

It was so brief -not that I expected anything else, I know you. So I opened another. And another.

I couldn’t avoid answering your last letter, I hope you don’t mind if this is so long. It compensates for all those days of silence, I hope.

I really hope it does.

Is it ok for me to conclude this with expressing love? I am not sure who I am anymore, I don’t know what I like, but I do know that I love you. Reading your letters was a breath of fresh air. Ironical no? I get so much of it, these days.

Write to me again, if you wish.

With all the love I can muster, from exactly where I don’t know but it’s there, Aisling.

---

Skyhold, Kingsway 14, 9:44 Dragon

Love.

Another calm day, full of bureaucracy.

I do hate dealing with money and calculating. You’d laugh at me and tell me it’s simple maths and do everything in five minutes.

Sometimes I still look up from my desk and expect you napping on the couch. I don’t think it did you so well, and I’m glad you’re out there doing better things, and I won’t lie: it made me feel observed. But now that you’re away, I do miss that too.

Maker, I miss your mess. Frida went through all your drawers, now they’re unbearably organized.

I do wonder: are you reading?

C.

---

Skyhold, Kingsway 15, 9:44 Dragon

My love,

You would be happy in knowing I just made a fool of myself.

Your letter came, and I just took it and ran away without realizing, leaving apparently Josephine and a trio of Comtes who lent us money and were discussing of reparations standing in the Great Hall, mid speech.

If I don’t answer anymore, Josie came for my head.

Now, with order.

I am afraid you never were much of a liar, my love. I realised you weren’t fine as you told it the first time in Haven, you have always worn your heart on your sleeve. Honestly? I liked that in you from the start. I only hope this new you still has it, it was endearing and soothing. But if you don’t feel like that anymore, it’s fine anyway. But please, don’t lie to me. No need for it.

I wish you were here too, but I don’t think you’d like being here. For the rest, I’m fine. Really. It was just a bad night. I’m better now that I heard from you.

As for the rest, I can think of a couple of things you like: magic and animals. You love horses. Maker knows you worried me so and busied Josie enough to make you presentable again after the stables to like horses out of duty. What about it?

Answer, if you’d like. I understand if you don’t. I’ll keep the love with gladness.

All my love, Cullen

---

Stone-Bear Hold, Kingsway 17, 9:44 Dragon

Cullen,

Please don’t let Josie reach you. Or if she did, hello Josie, can I have his cape back to remember him by?

Thank you, love   Cull   my love. It all brought a smile, and it was something I needed. That was a lovely long letter, please keep it up, I appreciated it so much.

I don’t want to see horses. My balance is still off when I’m walking and I would hurt myself on a horse, for real. And I don’t think I could   And I would hate to see you smug with a “I told you so”.

But yeah, I guess so. I pet Storvacker whenever she comes around, and it’s nice, she’s very beautiful and such a good creature. I think she remembers I saved her, but maybe it’s just wishful thinking. How’s Bran? Is he keeping you good company, did he learn to duck and not fetch?

The children hijacked the lesson, today, when the topic fell on Hakkon Wintersbreath. We went overtime because the kept asking me about the dragons I slayed, if it was true. Someone out there had spread the rumour I dealt with the three in the Emprise all at once? I had to struggle to convince them it didn’t happen like that, and they were even more disappointed than when I told them that slaying dragons is just a sad thing to do and I hated doing it.

Oh, there’s one thing I hate. Does it count?

I do love you, and I miss you a little less now that I’m writing back. Thank you for being so patient with me. I do love you, a lot. You’re one thing I really like.

Are you feeling better? For real.

Say that I’m sorry   hello to the others from me.

A.

---

Skyhold, Kingsway 19, 9:44 Dragon

My love,

It does count, and I think it goes into the liking animals box. Anything else? I remember you were quite fond of swimming, if I recall correctly our first visit to Honnleath and our last one in Wycome. What about it? If you can catch a sunny day, the water should still be warm enough to bathe.

And sweets. Do they have something sweet to eat? Should I ship down there your candy stash?

Bran is fine, and is keeping me good company, thanks. He misses you too, but I’ve been fairly successful in teaching him not to sleep where you should be on the bed. Now he sleeps at my feet and I have to curl up. He still fetches, but we’re working on that too.

I am feeling better, I swear. For real, I took it easier in the last days and delegated some.

I firmly believe you wouldn’t fall if you tried to ride. I saw you. Maybe don’t start with a gallop, ease yourself in? I am sorry if I insist, but please, don’t let fear stop you. You love riding and you love that horse. And I’m sure he misses you too. And I’m not saying that to pressure you, but because you always light up when you talk about horses and about Little Brother, and I’m sure he misses you too. But it’s ok, ignore this paragraph if it bothers you, you surely know best what’s good for you.

Everyone says hello. There are various recommendations of hugs, and get well soon and missing you and a choir of “Horns up” from the Chargers and Dorian.

I second the missing, and the horns up too.

C.

---

Skyhold, Kingsway 25, 9:44 Dragon

Aisling,

I am sorry if I told you something wrong.

Please, ignore the last letter.

Little Brother is well taken care of, safe as can be, and I recommend to give him extra apples and extra cuddles. Do not worry about him, love, and please forgive me if I insisted.

If I see another Comte pretending we borrowed money from him without papers to demonstrate it I swear I’m throwing them down the battlements. Bran growling at him had been a nice addition to the group. Josie too gave him a biscuit for his good job.

I happily announce you that I have a recipe for custard and a successful attempt to my record. It was good, I’m waiting for the first lemons to try it properly and try to make it as you like it.

I do miss you, love, and I worry. Forgive me if I said the wrong thing.

I do love you even if you’ll never ride again. Cullen

---

Skyhold, Kingsway 28, 9:44 Dragon

Aisling.

You know what?

Fuck the Comtes.

Josie and Cassandra can hold their own for a while.

Wait for me.

C.

---

Stone-Bear Hold, Kingsway 28, 9:44 Dragon

Cullen.

I’m sorry. Again. I really am.

I was angry at first. And hurt. The thought of not riding again… I have been scraped clean of so much, that the idea of realizing that I had given away that too was unbearable, even in theory. You were right in insisting, because yes. I do love horses not out of duty.

Spirits, or whatever power there is in this world, how many weeks of waking up before the dawn I did back in Haven, because I didn’t want a mount out of duty and out of a choice made for me, but I wanted that horse? With you, it’s the one thing I don’t want to give up on, and you reminded me I had to.

But you were right. – I miss your smug smile, now, I would so much love to be able to kiss it away.

After two days of being angry, I decided to go to camp out of spite.

I hate how people there can’t talk to me and the pity there. I should thank you for organizing my stay with the Avvar, it was… It was what I needed.

Anyway.

Little Brother was, indeed, angry. I can’t hardly blame him. I know how he’s feeling.

I stood there in the paddock, as in the first days. He ignored me for hours. And then he approached me. Bumped me to the ground with his head.

I deserved it, poor thing. I left him on his own for a month. And I know he must have felt abandoned and… And nobody should feel like that.

I cried for the first time in a month, and we cuddled.

You were right, my love. It did me well.

I think I’ll get back in the afternoons.

I never answered to you about magic and… I’m not using much magic. I’ve been seeing Desperation again in my dreams. Nothing much, I’m still here and I’m fine, both the Augur and Sigrid are aware. The Augur has been very helpful. I’m telling you because it may help you too.

He says that for all negative spirits we attract, there’s a good one too. The good one is lingering around, we just need to see it, even if it’s a little more difficult to tune down the noise of the other.

I feel mine: there’s Cole around, lingering at the edge of my vision. He hasn’t approached me yet, but I feel him, always there. At the ready should I… Well, I do need him. But I need him from afar.

I’m not yet ready to face head-on what happened, and facing him would mean that.

But I’m writing you from the stable, forgive the wobbly calligraphy. I hope you can still read it, but my desk is furry and breathing. I couldn’t take his head away from my legs, and I don’t want to. He needed this, and so do I.

I stopped crying, but I think I’ll get back at it in some minutes. It’s good for me, and I missed it too.

I feel hopeful today.

Thank you for pushing me to come here.

Thank you for knowing me better than I do. I needed that. I still do.

I will be ready to see Cole and talk with him. Eventually.

I think I’ll try to hop on Little Brother, tomorrow.

I should probably stop writing. I do miss you keenly, right now, and I wish you were here. Do not fret here, tho: you have work to do and I don’t want to distract you any more than I’m already doing, love.

I am fine. I’m not lying.

Please do not worry, and remember that I love you. Even if you make me angry at times.

I love you and I miss you, and I hope I’ll dream of you tonight, and that it’ll be a nice memory. It’s not that hot to swim, unfortunately, but I’ll be able to dream of when we did in Wycome.

Love, quite a lot of it even if it smells like horse, Aisling

---

Stone-Bear Hold, Kingsway 29, 9:44 Dragon

Cullen,

Nothing much to add since yesterday, honestly.

I just wanted you to be the first to know: I am waiting for Little Brother to be saddled. I need to find a way to do it myself, but-

*the rest is written in a calligraphy even less readable and clear than the rest, clearly scribbled very quickly.*

You must be kidding- Who am I writing to, I’m telling you directly.

Spirits, you’re so sappy it’s lucky I love you.

Or not, the lucky one is definitely me.

Here? Really? With all those reports?

Ok I’m done, I’m asking you.

---

---

Stone-Bear Hold, Kingsway 30, 9:44 Dragon

Hiding this in your boot as you sleep, if you won’t notice when you’ll put it up tomorrow, know that it’s the reason I smiled at you. Well, one of the reasons, not the only one and not the most important. But still.

Nothing much, I just wanted to say thank you, and reiterate that you’re impossible and stubborn and totally the fun police. And that I love you because you are.

Thank you, really.

A.

[h4venpha]

songs that make me think of trimax vashwood and why

MAJOR TRIMAX SPOILERS !!

like im serious please do not read if you haven’t finished the entire manga

oceans & engines by NIKI

- i saw a post on twt talking about where at some point in vashs immortal life, he starts to forget wolfwood. he begins to forget what his voice sounded like and how his hands used to feel in his.

- and instead he misses him more than anything. he misses the thought of him. and it hurts so badly that he cannot remember the only one he loves.

- oceans & engines is vash's last stage of grief: acceptance.

- “how is it now that somehow you're a stranger? you were mine just yesterday": this represents how regardless of vash's immortality and the decades he has lived after wolfwoods death, he still finds himself living the days he did with wolfwood. thats where he feels he truly belongs. hes finally caught up with the fact that its been years after his death and hes realizing that wolfwood is just a stranger to him again

- “i know ill be alright, some day ill be fine, but just not tonight.”: vash’s final push, a swear to himself that he’ll get over it and he’ll drop it for good. that this night will be the last night he grieves wolfwood. he knows that at some point he may forget everything about him but his name. too many years meeting too many faces and he can barely form wolfwoods in his mind. and hes accepting it.

- “this is the last falsetto, ill ever sing to you, my great lost love.”: his great lost love, what better wording for him and wolfwood!

welcome and goodbye by Dream, Ivory

- this song because of the unspoken mutual understanding of each others motives and wants/needs. so honestly this song can be from both perspectives.

- “thats the reason im afraid, youre the thoughts that cant be tamed.”: no matter what either of them do, its so very obvious of the vulnerability and understanding they share. even if they bicker so often (as seen in the manga), they cannot ignore the bond they share.

- like how is it that this man knows these things about me? how is it he knows exactly how i will act? that somehow hes the one who knows everything about me with ease?

- “and im trying to be sane, and im trying to be sane.”: this line is more vash imo. at the end after he kills legato, when hes talking about “you[wolfwood] died for him[livio], i couldnt let that go to waste”. this line and what he said shows how even in death, wolfwood has such an affect on him

- how vash went against his insanely stubborn, strict morals because of wolfwood

pistol by Cigarettes After Sex

- post trimax vash to deceased wolfwood

- “and ill waste my time, til you lift me off the floor and love me again”: vash talking about how he’ll waste the years of his immortal life waiting for wolfwood to come back to him. oh he knows its impossible, but he can’t help but hope, hope that somehow wolfwood will find his way back to him

- he knows wolfwood won’t come back? yet he still waits, he waits and waits for all of eternity for him because he doesnt know what else to do

- “i know if i saw you, and we kissed just once; you could be happy, maybe you’d come back”: hes oh so desperate. vash who only realized the depth of his feelings for wolfwood as ww was dying. he cursed himself day and night that he never got the chance to kiss him at least once

- maybe if he kissed him or said something he wouldnt have died, its silly to say but hes so so desperate.

- he wants just one more chance to see wolfwood, to feel him and kiss him, maybe then he would decide to come back to him.

[armpirate]

UNDER HIS SKIN || JJK || Ch. 20

Pairings: tattoist!jk x fem!reader

Genre: smut, angst, friends to lovers, tattoo au, virgin reader.

Summary: They say there are two versions for every story, and it's important to hear both of them. Everybody is hearing your side of the story, but it's just fair to get to know his.

After breaking up with his girlfriend, the only thing he wanted was to have fun with no attachment. You wanted to get rid of your virginity, and he wanted to tick you off his list. What he didn't expect was getting so emotionally attached to you that he would regret the deal.

Previous || Next

MASTERLIST

Me: are u home?

Me: if ur mad for today... i promise ill make it up.

I tried to get in contact with Y/n ever since I crossed the door to the street. I've been waiting for a reply from her for almost an hour, making my way back to the tattoo studio just so I can pick my motorbike and get it back.

And once I get there, I don't leave to go back home. I just close myself inside my studio, still waiting for a text from her. And considering she was off today, I end up guessing she's probably outside.

Me: Are you out with the girls?

For one second, I wonder if she's mad because I canceled our plans at the last minute, something that leads me to check my sister's stories to find Y/n sneaking out of the picture on every single pic or video Soo has decided to post.

Few minutes later, I see Y/n has read my text, but minutes keep going by and she doesn't reply back.

Yeah, she's mad.

And that's something that leads me to send a text to Soo, just to find out she's already sent me three texts throughout the evening, and tried to call me once. Although it's weird, I don't really pay much attention to it.

—Leslie? —I hear her voice from the other side— Really?

I'll kill Mark tomorrow.

—That's what all those texts were about? —I roll my eyes.

—I thought you moved on —I hear her sighing—. What about this new girl? You can't be so fucking stupid, Jungkook.

Now it's when I regret ever mentioning I was seeing someone new, although she was the one that kept insisting when she caught me smiling at my phone at one of our family lunches. She doesn't waste the chance to bring this new girl back, but tonight is different. Soo usually just teases me, and tries to play with me ever since I told her. "Oh, Mrs. Jeon wants your attention" "When will we meet her?". But tonight... Tonight I can tell she's annoyed at the possibility of me ruining whatever I possibly have with Y/n for my ex.

As she speaks, I can hear different voices and laughs, and the unknown rhythm of a song playing in the background.

—Where are you? I can barely hear you.

—The bar where Tam and Y/n work, we all came here to keep Tam some company —she sighs—. Don't switch the topic, Jeon. I swear to god if you do the same mist...

But I'm not able to hear anything else from her before I hang up the call. I know I'm going to regret that the moment I see her again, but for now I want to focus on something else, which is another awful idea.

When I park the motorbike outside the bar, all I can think about is seeing Y/n and making sure everything is alright. But before I cross the door, I wonder if it'd be too obvious why I'm here for the second I set a foot inside. There's also the possibility of them thinking I came to talk to Soo in person even if that isn't the case.

The inner battle stops the second I spot Y/n talking with someone at one extreme of the counter. Her body is lazily supported on the wooden surface, while her hips are slightly swayed and her head cockily tilted. The man is tall enough for me to be able to see his face over her shoulder. A cocky smile is drawn on his face, while his eyes travel all over her body, having her face as the last stop.

Something turns on in my body, because I'm walking inside the bar and towards Y/n as if I weren't debating seconds ago whether to stay outside or not.

Suddenly I don't care whether her friends and my sister are here or not. I just want to keep her away.

—Well, I saw you here by yourself, and thought of keeping you company. That's it —I see him shrugging—. But if you want to give me your phone number...

—Alr... —she's about to agree, but I stop before she's able to.

—I could give you mine, too —I rush to say, looking at the stranger with squinted eyes. —. Note it down: six, seven, three... What? Not interested?

I realize how much I fucked it up just now when she turns to me with wide eyes, surprise by my attitude. Or maybe just surprised to see me here.

—I'm sorry —the man apologizes, uncomfortable—. I didn't know she had a boyfriend.

—I don't —I hear her saying.

How fast she denies me annoys me more than it should, which is zero -considering the kind of relationship we both have supposedly.

—What the fuck are you doing? —she turns to me.

I never look back at her, because I will be aware of everything I'm doing and how I'm not the one in the right in this situation. Instead, I keep my eyes on the man who nervously smiles, saying goodbye to Y/n before he finally leaves.

—What's your problem?

—He was drooling over you.

And now I'm confused on whether I was mad because of the way he was looking at her, or how she was unbothered -and even liked- the way he was looking at her.

—I thought that was the fucking point —she stands in front of me, her whole body facing me as she speaks—. I don't think I went where you were, threw a tantrum and scared your e...

I look at her, confused at that. Does that mean she knows? And although it'd make a lot of sense, I doubt my sister would be airing my business like that. It's Soo either way, so it wouldn't shock me big time either.

—Jungkook?

Tammy's voice snaps me back to reality and what I'm doing. I shouldn't even be here in the first place.

—Soo wanted to see you —she comments when I turn to her.

—I know —I nod—. I thought she was still here —a big fat lie falls from my lips.

Basically, because my sister was the last person I thought of as I drove here.

—No, I think she went to your place —Tammy lets her head fall to her side as she thinks—. That's what she said, right? —she asks Y/n, looking for confirmation.

—Yeah —she sighs—. And since you're back, I'll get going now.

—Thanks for staying —they both hug tight.

A flicker of desperation goes over my body when I see her figure walking past me. Not only I have to explain myself with the whole Leslie situation, now I also have to make up for what happened with the man she was flirting with.

—I'll drive you home —I suggest, making her stop her tracks towards the door.

—No need to.

I'm about to insist, but Tammy does that work for me.

—Don't act pig headed —she intervenes—. I'll feel better if you leave with him.

With a heavy sigh, and her head falling back, she let us know she was giving in to what we both were asking. Tammy thanks me for driving Y/n home... If she only knew I'm the one who should be thankful to her right now.

When we get to my motorbike, I see her waiting at one side. She joins me in the back as soon as I hop on it, with the difference that she's sat further than she usually is. And when my eyes fly over my shoulder to catch a glimpse of her, I see her arms placed back on both sides of her body, holding tight to the bars.

Things seem to get even more tense when I stop in front of her place, and for some reason I have the slightest hope that we could make it up.

—I think we should talk —I mention when I stop the engine, turning my head at her.

—Is this because you don't want to confront Soo?

I didn't even remember Soo is probably at my place until she mentioned it again. That just adds another reason why I should stay here tonight.

—Just... Let's talk.

She puckers her lips, slightly tilting her head until she finally gives in with a small nod of her head.

Our way to her apartment is the quietest we've ever been since we started growing closer. It's uncomfortable, but especially concerning because it just proves that there's something wrong going on right now.

Unable to act the way I usually do -because it's not the time-, I just stick my hands inside of my pockets. My eyes fly to every corner in the room, to every small detail I've seen a thousand times before, combined with other new ones that kind of let me know

Jungkook seems to be thinking a million things right now, but doesn't say a word. He's usually carefree, and walks around as if he has been here even more times than me. But this time he's staying still, both hands in the pockets of his usual baggy jeans, while looking absolutely everywhere but in my direction.

—You said you wanted to talk —I break the silence—. Then talk.

Her tone is rough and dry. She wants to be done with this conversation just as much as I do. She crosses her arms over her chest, while her lower back rests on the backrest of her beige couch.

I don't know if she's mad for what happened back in the bar or if she's mad because Soo told them I met with Leslie... This isn't a good start.

—Why were you so annoyed before?

—You can't be serious... —she replies under her breath—So how you scared that guy away isn't enough for you?

So I guess she's mad for the way I treated the guy... Okay, reasonable. I was a little too rude with him, when his reaction was the exact same one I had the first time I saw her. It's completely understandable.

—Was I supposed to only hang out with the girls and wait for you to be done? —she tilts her head again— He was nice and I wanted to have fun. And it was all going great until you showed up with the jealous boyfriend act. Is that enough? Am I allowed to be annoyed?

And that glitches my brain, and pulls back whatever I thought was the main issue. So she's mad because I showed up and ruined her flirty moment?

—Just talk to me —a sudden push moves my body, forcing my eyes back on her.

—Do you want me to apologize? —I arch my eyebrows— I only did you a favor.

—No, you didn't —she doesn't let me continue—. I wasn't uncomfortable, I wasn't struggling... For the first time in my life I was comfortable with someone that's...

I wait for her to continue that sentence, and she doesn't know the amount of fuel she's just added.

—That's not an asshole.

I move my eyes away from her, annoyed at the situation, but especially annoyed at myself. All the time I was with Leslie, I kept thinking of rushing it and cutting it off so I could be with her -even if it was later than our main plan. While all she was mad for was me ruining her possible future date.

—Wow, thank you —I say ironically.

—Don't have the balls to play the victim —Y/n points her finger at me, each word tinted with more anger than the previous one—. Don't dare. You stood me up. Yet you think you have the right to come and interrupt me when I try to meet someone new? Which is also the point of us being in... whatever we have going on?

—I didn't like the way he was looking at you —I look back at her—. I know what was going through his head, and I didn't like it.

More like I didn't like what was possibly going through her head as well... But it's better not to say that.

—You know what I don't like? Learning through your sister you were meeting up with your ex, instead of you telling me directly when you canceled our plans.

In any other circumstance, or maybe five minutes ago, I'd have dropped a cocky smile and would have played it off so we could make it up. But that comment, in this exact moment, only annoys me. Why would she fucking care about who I'm meeting?

—Were you annoyed because I met Leslie or because I didn't tell you? —the question leaves my smiling adorned lips with a tone that comes up as funny, when I only wanted to make it sound cocky to piss her off.

—What annoys me is how you think you can do whatever the fuck you want, yet I can't do the same just "because you didn't like the way he was looking at me" —she mocks me—. I think it's simple to understand.

Aware that this conversation will take us nowhere, I try to put a stop to it. One of us has to bend and apologize, and seems like this time it'll be my turn. Not telling her about Leslie was a mistake on my side, but it wasn't like she needed to know either. We aren't dating and, as long as I don't hook up with any of the girls I could possibly meet, she has no reason to get mad.

—You're right. I'm sorry —I nod—. l don't know —I scratch the back of my head nervously—. I didn't think before acting. I couldn't control myself.

And while I thought she'd be softer, and would play along to my apology, she goes on with the argument.

—You couldn't control yourself? You were the one who came up with the no jealousy rule, yet you excuse yourself with it?

A little ironic she's annoyed about the jealousy rule, when she was pissed off about me meeting Leslie.

—Don't act like you weren't jealous either —I bark back—. Why do you care so much whether I saw Leslie or not? Feel threatened?

I facepalm myself when the heat of the discussion gets over my body, and rolls my tongue more than it should. That last question is the dumbest thing I've ever said.

—Sure, threatened —although she's ready to throw a lot of things, she still tries to hold back as much as possible—. All I know is this deal has been useless, and you've been nothing but a pain in the ass. "I'll help you out" "You'll know how to deal with guys" —her voice deepens, trying to mimic mine—. Yet the only thing you've told me to do is watching people and doing research work.

—It seemed like the little help was of use for you tonight though.

Quite funny how she's now saying she regrets the deal, or how it's being useless, when not even a few weeks ago she was able to flirt with someone openly. Now that she's able to, she isn't able to credit me for what I've helped in?

—Might be the only thing that has been of use —she replies back—, but what's the point when I can't put it into practice because your ego gets hurt? —she shakes her head— This was a bad idea.

I feel hurt by her words. It's such a dumb and simple sentence, yet the feeling that gets over me when she says all of it was a bad idea... it's as if all the time we've spent together had meant nothing to her. She's the one that's getting the biggest piece of cake, yet she's the one who dares to say she regrets what's happened. Is it a bad idea now that she's realized she could have anyone else she wants to?

—It wasn't a bad idea when you were cumming on my leg to seal the deal, because I was the only one you had a chance with.

There isn't any anger in her expression anymore. Her lips seal slowly, forming a straight line, while the frown totally disappears when she moves her eyes away from me to look down at her feet.

She bites her lower lip tight, while her hands, hanging on both sides of her body, hold tight the fabric of her jeans.

And that's when I know how big I fucked it up right now.

Thinking this was just a heated discussion, I try to hold her arm to pull her into a hug, but she rejects it. Her hands push me away suddenly, still not looking up at me when she does.

I try to look for the right words to make it up, to let her know I didn't genuinely mean what I said, but that roller coaster of emotions has left me exhausted, and unable to process any information that isn't what I have in front of me right now.

—You can stay here the night —she talks first—, you probably don't want to deal with Soo. But I don't want to see you here when I wake up tomorrow.

She doesn't say anything else. After dropping that, she turns on her tracks and walks to her room, closing the door behind her.

After that, I have no reason to stay here. I know I have no reason to say here tonight.

And if I thought I'd find peace when I got back home, I was so mistaken...

Soo is waiting for me in front of my door, totally ready to drag me for everything that happened today, but I cut her off before she's able to speak.

—Not today —I cut her off, making my way inside my apartment.

—Not today? —she scoffs— Do I wait until she messes you up again, huh? What the hell were you even thinking about?

—She needed to see that everything was officially over between us —I let my body fall on the couch—. I just wanted to end things well.

—So... —she sits next to me— She didn't want to get back with you?

—Oh, she does —I nod, with my eyes still fixed on one of the dark wooden beams on the ceiling—. But I'm not interested. And I let her know.

Soo seems surprised at my comment, and so she shows it when she snaps my shoulder to get me to look at her.

—You seriously told her that?

—Yeah —I sigh.

—I'm proud of you —her arm surrounds my neck—. You deserve better than to be treated that way —her fingers tangle on some of my locks playfully—. Hopefully this new girl does.

But I don't tell her anything. It's not something she needs to know anyway. I rather let her think everything's fine. Basically, because I don't want to go too deep on whatever went down tonight, I don't want to go through everything we've both said again and again. It was enough just once.

We keep talking for a few more minutes, getting into more detail on what the conversation was about. And when I realize, she's almost falling asleep as I speak. With a chuckle, I take her to my bed and allow her to sleep there.

Another morning to wake up with a messy back. 

[thebookoflcve]

                𝕋𝕙𝕖𝕪 𝕕𝕠𝕟'𝕥 𝕝𝕠𝕧𝕖 𝕪𝕠𝕦 '𝕥𝕚𝕝 𝕪𝕠𝕦 𝕕𝕖𝕒𝕕 𝕒𝕟𝕕 𝕥𝕙𝕖𝕟 𝕥𝕙𝕖𝕪                                 𝕔𝕒𝕝𝕝 𝕪𝕠𝕦  𝕡𝕣𝕠𝕗𝕠𝕦𝕟𝕕 : 𝕒 𝕞𝕦𝕤𝕚𝕔𝕒𝕝 𝕣𝕖𝕥𝕣𝕠𝕤𝕡𝕖𝕔𝕥𝕚𝕧𝕖

Soul Food II - Logic || Karma - Taylor Swift || Rainy Zurich - The Fray  || Future Me - Echosmith || I’m Ready - Jack’s Mannequin || The Other - Tonight Alive || Orville - Logic (ft. Like, Blu & Exile) || Le Voya9e- Kep1er || 92 Explorer - Post Malone

ℚ𝕦𝕚𝕔𝕜 𝔽𝕒𝕔𝕥𝕤

(—) ★ spotted!! AYAZ DEMIRCI on the cover of this week’s most recent tabloid! many say that the 31 year old looks like  SERKAY TÜTÜNCÜ, but i don’t really see it. while  the PLASTIC SURGEON is known for being COMPASSIONATE my inside sources say that they have a tendency to be PETULANT i swear, every time i think of them, i hear the song Soul Food II by Logic.

𝔽𝕦𝕟 𝔽𝕒𝕔𝕥𝕤

Despite living in Ankara for the better part of his childhood, Ayaz is a huge Fenerbahçe fan. This is something that he inherited from his mother who was raised in Istanbul. 

He doesn’t talk about his mother a lot because she left his father when his sister was two years old and he was ten. 

Ayaz got his first tattoo after losing a wager on the world cup and has gotten the bug. He has a full sleeve on his left arm and right leg. He has a few other tattoos scattered about. 

He has a vintage porsche that had been the pinnacle of his father’s all american dream. 

𝔽𝕦𝕝𝕝 𝔹𝕚𝕠𝕘𝕣𝕒𝕡𝕙𝕪: ( tw: death, miscarriage, abandonment, cleft lip mention) 

Born in Ankara, he saw the marred reality of poverty taking hold of lower income areas. The lack of health care pushed him farther down the path towards medicine. Ayaz made landfall in California at nineteen after completing one year at Sabancı University where he transferred to Stanford on a full scholarship.  Once he completed his degree, he was accepted into Johns Hopkins University Medical School.

During his third year of medical school, Ayaz’s father fell ill. Ayaz scrapped together what little money he had to bring his father and his little sister from Ankara for treatment. Sadly, his father died shortly after coming here and left an insurmountable pile of debt in his wake. Confined to the hefty weight of his grief when his father died and the bills that pilled up, Ayaz abandoned his dream in working in pediatrics surgery to pick a specialty that had a more lucrative payout: plastic surgery.    

Ayaz worked nonstop to become the best and took quickly to the craft. His life had become a mundane dance between working and taking care of his sister. He was suffocating in his own self appointed nightmare. That was until his wife came waltzing through the corridor with all of the colors that his gaze had been blind too for so long. She painted in the gaps of his armor and provided him with the last push to accept what his life was and would always be; so long as she was by his side.

It took far too much convincing of her mother, his colleague and the literal MVP in the hospital to sign off on their marriage. Ayaz couldn’t imagine his life without her and would bend heaven and earth to have her. Birth from that effort, they were married and lived happily (until it wasn’t happy).

In their whirlwind romance, the two lacked the tact to talk about the elephant in the room: children. Ayaz wanted nothing more than to be a father.  

Ayaz anxiously awaiting the blessing of being a father. When his wife became pregnant, the child was a miracle as a gift for all of his suffering. He’s been waiting for this day since he’d married his wife; the only catch was that his wife wasn’t so thrilled. He hoped she would be warm up to the idea but before that could happen they lost the baby. The loss and her relief had been the wedge that divided them.

Ayaz loves his wife so deeply he knew he couldn’t put her through the misery of baring a child that she didn’t want. He filed for a separation and drafted the papers but never signed them himself. He continues to allow his lawyer to send out copies of the document to see if she’ll sign first; selfishly he hopes she won’t.

Ayaz recently went on a trip with Doctors without Borders in cooperation with Operation Smile to provide some reconstructive surgeries to children born suffering cleft lip.

He has returned with a renewed sense of self and purpose. Ayaz no longer takes on clients who are seeking cosmetic changes but to help with restorative operations.

ℂ𝕠𝕟𝕟𝕖𝕔𝕥𝕚𝕠𝕟𝕤

Coming Soon!

[thatsalrightprettymama]

I Think I'm in Love

A/N: Thank you so much @smbonilla2002 for requesting this! I loved this song and I'll be honest while the first movie played at the drive in I listened to it, wrote, and the story just came alive! I honestly never expected to write something this long, but despite it's length I'm really proud of this fic! I honestly hope you enjoy this! Thank you again from the bottom of my heart! You don't know how much it means to me to have you and others request work and interact with my work!

Also I'm sorry that this is all one post! My word started to mess up around the 5.5k mark and the easiest way to post it was to look at it in read only view and copy and paste in one go! I promise the next time I make content that looks like its gonna be near this link ill make a pause point and start another doc 😂😂.

Also last note, there are a bit of historical in accuracies.

1. I changed the year that Alice Cooper (Vincent Furniture), Chevy Chase, and Liza Manelli let Elvis in his International suite. They met in 1973, but for this story's sake they met in 1970.

2. Priscilla and Elvis split in 1972 and officiating the divorce in 73. For the story's sake they split and divorced in 68/69.

3. I also do not know the tour dates or schedule of Alice Cooper or Elvis in 70, so idk if their schedules lined up but for the story they did lol.

As always it's unedited, so I apologize for any mistakes! Criticism is always welcomed! I hope you enjoy it!

Word Count: 6.2k

Warnings: Mentions of drug use, cussing, mentions of sex, mentions of domestic violence/abuse, fluff, angst, hurt/comfort.

 Buzzing you stood outside the International Hotel with you brother Vinny, or as the rest of the world new him as, Alice Cooper. “Y/N. Don’t be weird. “Vinny tells you sternly, his dark eyes boring into yours. “The only way I got you in was saying you were my assistant, and I didn’t go anywhere without you on tour. Per manager’s request. “He tells you as you two stand in the dry Vegas air. “Wow, way to make me seem like I’m the weirdo of the family, and I don’t care whatever you had tell them, I’m Just glad I made that promise when I was seven. “You tell your older brother shooting him a smirk as you remind him of how surreal this night is about to get. “Exactly! Which is why I said don’t get weird.” He tells you with a loving smile as he hugs you. As your older brother wraps his slender arms around you, he gets oddly emotional.

“I love you Y/N, and I know how much this moment means to us both. Thank you for being there since the begging, and always in my corner.  I remember showing you your first Elvis film, and I remember when I first played “Let’s Have A Party” for you and you made me promise that when I got famous like him that I’d let you meet him, but I swear I don’t care how famous I get I’m not going to let you meet Lennon. He’d steal my sister.” He tells you causing your heart to warm as you squeeze him in the hug. “Vinny, I love you. You’re my hero. Now we better stop, or I’ll cry and be weird.” You tell him as you two release the hug. After taking a moment to take it all in, you two head into the huge building.

As you two go into the Hotel, you couldn’t help but think of how awesome the night was going to be when you saw Chevy Chase and Liza Manelli standing near the portly older man that was Elvis’s manager. Having spent time with your brother in his journey to fame you have met a lot of people. Yes, you’ve gotten star-struck before, you’ve also learned to hide it. Though while you already knew it, you really were going to have to use all your might not to gush tonight. As the group starts to walk to the elevator you take a small moment to fall a pace behind with Vinny to link pinkie and then touch your own nose with your pinky. A small ritual since childhood that’s become a slight comforting action. You two quickly join the elevator, and head to the penthouse suite with the group.

Once the door opened you could hear the faint sound of music and laughing come from another room from the huge, beautiful hotel room. Following Parker, you, and everyone else joined Elvis and his Memphis Mafia boys. While you held a small smile, you internally screamed as you saw the backside of The King in a jumpsuit. You also couldn’t help but notice his laugh was dreamier in real life than in movies or interviews. Thankfully you keep your composer when he turns around and introduces himself and everyone.

As the small get together gets going you start to relax. You start talking to Liza at first, finding out you two had a mutual love for shoes, you realize quickly that you can’t drink near Chevy, or you’ll die chocking on it from laughing, and You have a really interesting conversation about Johnny Cash and music with Billy Smith. Overall, the night was surreally amazing. Though you didn’t know how much better it was about to get when Elvis come’s and sit’s beside you. Especially, not knowing that your brother let it slip that you wanted to meet him. Which kind of intrigued Elvis, because you hadn’t interacted with him since he shook your hand when he was introducing himself. “Hey little darlin���, how are you tonight?” The handsome older gentlemen asks you, his deep southern drawl secretly melting you. “I’m doing pretty great, thank you for inviting us and letting us be here. “You tell him smiling at him. Unable to help the slight blush as the dark-haired beauty flashed you a smile.

“That’s good doll, and thank you all for coming up, Alice has got an interesting act. It’s also sweet that despite how wild it is he snuck his girl to meet me.” The older man tells you as he smiles at you, though he stops when you bust out laufhing. “No, No I’m sorry. I’m definitely not with Alice, and I’m his assistant.” You told Elvis with a smile trying to keep the charade. Though you realize that doesn’t exactly work when he calls you out on it. “Darlin’ you’re too young to be his assistant, but going by how you laughed I’ll believe you ain’t his girl.” He tells you as his curiosity gets peaked. “Who are you then?” He asks bluntly, though his drawl softened it. That or you were biased to it due to how it made you feel. “Promise not to tell? He’d have my hide,” You ask him sweetly smiling at him. You subconsciously bite your lip as he chuckles and nods. “I’m his little sister.” You tell the older man, seeing no real reason to lie to him. If they didn’t like it well I mean it’d suck but also at the very least you met him.

“Really?” Elvis asks, leaning back into his seat as you get comfortable. As you nod confirming, you tell him and you two begin to talk. Despite the age difference, you two quickly bond over music, also talk about some movies, and you two actually skim some talks about future hopes. Before you two now it, you two have talked the rest of the night away. Though before you leave, you end up with an invitation to lunch with Elvis at the same suite tomorrow when he found out you and your brother would be there for two more days. As you leave the hotel your brother tells you, “Listen what I’m about to say is only because I love ya, and he’s Elvis. Just be careful.” You give your brother a look you bite your lip and take in his words briefly. Though you, unknowingly falsely, assure him by saying, “I know, but also you know what I said after Corey. “ “Yeah, but never say never.” He tells you with a knowing look before you two head back to your hotel.

The next morning you woke up smiling, something that your brother couldn’t help but to tease you about before you started to get ready for your lunch with Elvis. As you walk into the international, you see one of Elvis’s friends, Billy, that you met last night. “Hey girly, EP sent me to get ya.” Billy tells you as you walk towards him. “Probably best, I don’t think there’d be a lunch if he came down.” You quip to the older man with a smile as you two head up to Elvis’s suite. As you two walk into the suite, you can’t help but wonder if there’s anything Elvis would look bad in when you see him in a black floral shirt and pants that looked tighter than your skirt. “Hey little darlin’ I hope you don’t mind I sent Billy down.” The older man greets you with a smile, bringing you into a friendly hug as you ignore the butterflies that try to stir. “I don’t mind at all, How’s your morning been?” You ask as you break apart and he leads you to living room. “Pretty good, but a whole lot better now I getta see your pretty face. How about you?” He flirts, his deep voice carrying the words so smoothly that you couldn’t help the faint blush that brushed your cheeks as you two sat down.

“Well, I’m glad that my presence can help improve your morning, I tend to have that effect. “You flirt back at Elvis, using every bit of confidence you had to make sure despite how you internally felt, you weren’t seen as that giggling schoolgirl. Whatever this was, all it could ever be was fun was what you told yourself as you watch something flash in his cerulean blue eyes before he smiles and chuckles. Though he quickly laughed when you quickly added. “ Though depending on who you ask I can bring trouble.” Leaning into the couch he puts his arm on the back as you relax. Surprisingly your conversation flows easily as you two continue to flirt and talk for a bit. After a while though he asks you, “Well I did invite you for lunch, I’ll be honest I don’t cook much would you be fine with room service? I don’t want to interrupt our time with crowds.” You smile at him sweetly and nod before telling him, “I’d be fine with room service; I totally understand in small way. While Alice doesn’t have your reaction, it’s still a bit weird sometimes when he does”.  “Yeah, I love my fans, but sometimes it’s exhausting playing Elvis.” He tells you honestly, making a part of your heart hurt for him. “I’d imagine so, while I’d say it’s euphorically surreal to be you, that also comes at a hefty price.” You comment as he hums and nods. Your conversation pauses while he orders you two some lunch, but it quickly picks back up while you two wait for your food.

As you two continued to talk and get to know each other, you think to yourself that you’ve honestly never met anyone like him. He was so charming, funny, kind, but also real. Something you’ve lacked since living in California. The food around and the conversation lulls some as you two take it to the table and sit, but it’s not long before it starts back up again. The whole time you two eat you shove the butterflies down and try not to think too much about how much of a good time you’re having. Shortly after you two finish eating you look at the time, and realize you’ve been there most of the day. Not wanting to overstay your welcome you tell Elvis, “Thank you for inviting me, and for lunch, but I’ve probably taken up enough of your time. Plus I should probably get back to the tour bus and help Shep wrangle Alice out of whatever trouble he’s gotten himself in today.” Flashing you a charming smile he smoothly tells you, “Little darlin’ you could take up all my time, and I think I’d still wanna spend more with ya.”  You feel your cheeks burn as you biting your lip as you watch him smirk. “Damn you’re smooth.” You comment causing him to through his head back as he laughed. “There’s a reason, besides my voice, they call me the king.” He cockily flirts causing you to giggle and shake your head as he adds, “I’d like it if you stuck around longer and maybe see my show tonight, but I also understand if you really do have to get back to your brother doll.” You have a small internal debate as Elvis watches you waiting for your answer. One hand you’d stay all day with him and see the show, but that also could lead to trouble. Biting your lip you compromise with yourself and ask the older man, “Well, I would like to spend more time with you, but I should go check in with my brother. Maybe if it’s alright I can go back to the tour bus and I can come back for your show?” Elvis smiles, but a small part of him wonders about your hesitation. Ignoring it he can’t help but think of how pretty your smile is as you nod.

“That sounds good to me Y/N. You alright with me having Billy get ya again when you come back?” He checks with a smile before asking, “Do you have an idea what time you’d be here? The show starts at 8. “. “That’s fine with me, and how about 7? “You ask as he nods, smiling back at him you stand up from the couch, him following suit. Elvis walked you to the door, and hugged you goodbye before you left the suite. As you happily made your way out of the International, a small part of you worried if your brother’s warning was warranted. Shaking your head, you assured yourself that this was just something fun as you left the hotel and headed back to your brother’s bus.

As you get back to the bus you see your brother sitting at the small table with Shep. “How’d lunch go?” He asks with a smile, pausing his talk with Shep. “It was good, I’m going back later to see his show.” You tell him as you grab a glass from the small kitchenette and start to get some water, not noticing the look that flashes in Vinny’s eyes. “That’s good, and really? That’ll be fun, just don’t have more fun than you have at mine.” He teases deciding not to comment, while you’re always going to be his little sister you were twenty now. You had to experience life without him trying to shield you, besides he already failed at shielding you with Corey. You scoff and shake your head before teasing your brother back, “You’re just saying that cause you know I will.” You smiled warmly when he laughed before going back to his conversation with his manager.

Thankfully the hours fly by and before you know it, it’s time to get ready. While looking through your suitcase, you tell yourself that the type of people at the show is why you’re pulling out the short blue dress that you had buried under all your clothes, the one of the only non-leather or denim item in your suitcase. Getting changed and doing your make-up, you leave the bus and excitedly head to the International again. You smile as you see Billy in the lobby. “EP’s in trouble if you’re gonna walk in lookin’ like that.” He jokes as you walk up to him causing you to laugh. “Yeah right, I’ll take the compliment, but I doubt it’ll phase him much.” You tell the older man with a smile as he shakes his head with an eye roll.  “Whatever doll, you ready to see EP?” He asks as he leads you down a hallway. “Of course, I wouldn’t come out in this dry heat for you.” You tease him with a smile as he laughs. “Are you this much of a little shit to EP, or am I just special?” He asks teasingly shoving you as you laugh. “I only save it for you and Alice, you should’ve never bonded over Johnny with me.” You tease as he continues to lead the way to Elvis’s dressing room.

As you finally reach the door, you smiled as you saw him in a white and jeweled jumpsuit. “Here’s your little wild child. “ Billy announces as you to enter, making you bite your lip at the look Elvis gives you when he turns around. You can’t ignore how your cheeks burn as he gaze wakes over you. “Woah little darlin’ you look amazing.” Elvis compliments you, his deep southern voice making your cheeks burn more as he comes over and hugs you. “Thank you, you don’t look too bad yourself sir.” You lamely flirt back, glad he chuckles at it, wishing your face wasn’t as red as it was. “Thank you doll, how’s your evening been?” He asks as he leads you to a couch in the room. “You wanna drink or anythin’ doll?” He offers as you sit. Shaking your head no you smile and answer, “No I’m good thank you though. It’s been alright just listened to him and Shep talk shop.” Putting his arm behind you he turns his body to face you as you two talk. Even though you two didn’t have too much time together before you had to go to your seat, it was just as fun as before leaving you feeling a bit weightless.

In your seat you people watch a bit before you hear the opening music. Excitedly you pull your eyes to the stage and you’re thankful that he can’t hear the gasp that comes from your lips as the curtains rise. As he begins the first note you become intoxicated by his command of the stage, hell of the whole room. With wide elated eyes you watch the whole show entranced. When it’s over Billy comes to take you backstage. As you walk through the door, you see Elvis with a towel around his neck as he gets him a drink. “That was an amazing show! Probably the best show I’ve ever seen.” You compliment the older man, causing him to turn around and smile at you. “It was a good show, I’m glad you liked it doll.” Elvis tells you with a small smile. “I loved it.” You tell him with a smile. Hanging in the dressing room for a bit you and Elvis talk before he invites you up to his room.

You follow him up, and despite what you first thought when he invited you up after the show, nothing sexual happens. You two end up literally spending the night talking and joking until the early hours of the morning, when Elvis gets a call from the Colonel because Vinny had Shep call him looking for you. “I know you said you got a few weeks left of touring with your brother, but here’s my room number. I’ll be here for atleast a month, and I’d really like to hear from you again Y/N. I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you, and I wanna know you more. “ Elvis tells you before you leave his room. Ignoring the butterflies and a small voice telling you don’t take it you’ll get hurt, you take the small slip of paper with a smile. “I’ve really liked getting to know you too Elvis, and I’ll give you a call.” You tell him before you leave.

When you get back to the bus, Vincent bitterly swallows the lecture he wanted to give when he saw your tired and happy smile. As he listens to you talk about the show and Elvis, he resists the urge to tell you again to be careful. Giving your brother a hug, you both go to bed and get ready to leave the bustling desert city tomorrow. It’s not till two days later that you let yourself call Elvis and end up starting a new daily routine. As the next three weeks fly by, and when you find yourself missing the older man or wanting to see him, that it doesn’t mean anything deep. You continue to lie to yourself, even when you call him on the last night of your brother’s tour.

You’re playing with the payphone’s cord as you tell him, “The crowd was so wild tonight, I can’t believe tour’s over. I know I’m just a tag-a-long, but I kind of like the traveling.” “That is probably one of the highlights of touring, getting to see all the different places and people. Though you really like all that travelin’ though doll?” Elvis asks you as a rash idea pops into his head. “Yeah I really do, I mean yeah it’s tough and it can be tiring hopping from one city to another, I really like knowing I’m going all around this country getting to have all kinds of experiences I’d never have if I never left Phoenix.” You tell him honestly as the cool night air breezes against you. “Well darlin I’m actually going to do a US tour after this Vegas stint ends in two weeks. Would you maybe wanna be my tag-a-long for it?” Continue to play with the cord you don’t acknowledge how happy the question made you. “Would you really want me to be a tag-a-long?” You ask him chewing on your lip. “I would want nothing more doll, so you gonna go on tour with me?” He asks you again. “Alright if you really want me to, I’d love to be your tag-a-long!” You tell him not able to help the smile that lights up your face.

“Great! It’ll be fun doll, plus it’ll be nice to finally see your face again.” He flirts with you after hearing your answer. You two continued to talk till Shep gave you the signal to get back on the bus. “I gotta go or they’re gonna leave me here Elvis, but I can’t wait to tour with ya. “ You tell him starting your goodbyes as you hear his deep chuckle on the line. “I can’t wait either darlin’.” He tells you before you continue your goodbye. “I’ll call you when I get back to California, and we’ll talk more about me joining you. “ You tell him before you hang up and quickly go back to the bus. You excitedly tell your brother the news of your new trip, and while he listens to you he can’t help but think that you’re gonna get hurt. Rather it be due to your own fault or by the iconic man that’s wormed his way into your life, Vincent doesn’t think there’s a way for this to end scrape free. Though he keeps it himself, well he tries to until it’s the night before you leave to meet Elvis in Vegas again.

You were staying over Vinny’s house, spending your last night in town with him. You were sitting on his apartment balcony smoking a joint when he came out with two glasses of whiskey. Peaking your interest as he hands you one, and while you exhale your smoke you take it. Though your curiosity raises when he asks you, “Can I talk to you sissy?” You put your joint out and nod as you take a drink. “Yeah, you know we always can, but I’m worried since you’re throwing out sissy. I haven’t heard that in a while. “ You answer him as you sense the mood turn a bit serious, which was rare for you two. “ It’s not really anything bad, it’s just I gotta get somethings off my mind before you go, I’m a bit worried about you going on this trip.” He admits to you causing you to take another drink of the amber liquid, letting it’s burn drown the small voice telling you that it’s right this trip will be trouble. “I know what you said after Corey, and I I get that. I really do, but also I’ve seen you since you’ve met Elvis. I haven’t seen you smile as much as you have in a while. I’m not complaining about that, but I’m worried about the reason for those smiles.” He tells you as he begins his speech, taking a moment to pause for a drink before continuing, “Either you’re gonna hurt yourself cause you won’t admit something’s there and miss it, or he’s really just taking it as it is and you do finally admit and he hurts you are the two scenarios running in my mind. Though I honestly believe it’s the first if I’m honest with you.”

“I can’t let myself fall in love again, not after Corey Vinny. I can’t let myself get that deep again.” You tell him honestly as you take another drink, looking away from the sadden look that flashes in his eyes. “I can’t let myself fall in love again and give someone that power over me. “You tell him as you look into your glass. “Whatever you and Corey had at the end wasn’t love Y/N. Yes, you two may have been in love at one time, but love doesn’t hurt like that. Love also doesn’t always turn into that; you can let yourself have it and it be good.” Your brother tells you softly, before biting his lip when you bring your head up to show watery eyes. “How do I trust that it won’t? How can I risk it?” You ask him softly, feeling like a small child again as you look up at Vinny.

Placing his drink down he kneels and pulls you into a weird side hug. “You just risk it, you do so much crazy shit all the time and take those risks. You just jump in.” He tells you as he comforts you. You two stay like that for a moment, before you break apart. Lighting your joint again you break the serious mood. “I don’t want are last hours to be some weird emotional shit. That ain’t us.” You tell him as you pass it to him, causing him to laugh and take a hit. You smoke with your brother and talk and joke before you two finally make your way inside his apartment. Going into the familiar guestroom you go to sleep excited and nervous for the next day. It hadn’t seemed like you were asleep long before your brother was waking you up to take you to the airport. Excitement buzzing within you and temporarily stomping out any nerves, you get up and quickly get ready.  You say your goodbye to Vinny outside the airport, promising to call each night before going in.

The few hours it takes to land in Vegas thankfully fly by. While you walk through the airport with your luggage you excitedly look for Billy. As you walk around the baggage claim you thankfully find him. “There’s my favorite little shit! How’ve you been?” He asks giving you a brief hug before taking one of your bags. “I’m good! How’s my favorite asshole?” You teasingly ask as he leads you out of the airport. “Good, good, and alright except EP keeps driving us crazy about you comin.” He teases as he leads you towards a black car, you see a silhouette of someone and chalk it up to being another Memphis boy. “Sure sure. He doesn’t know what he signed up for. “ You tease with the man that’s become your only friend outside of Elvis in this circle. He rolls your eyes and goes to the trunk. As your helping him put your luggage up you finally notice who’s in the car. You can’t help the smile when you see Elvis wearing his sunglasses wearing a red shirt and pinstripe pants, waving at you in the back seat.

Excitedly you leave you stop helping Billy and get into the car as you hear him laugh. “Elvis!” You excitedly say as you hug his chuckling form in the seat. You ignore the fuzzy feeling you get as you feel his arms wrap around you. “Hey darlin’! I’ve missed you too.” He tells you smiling as you blush realizing your reaction. “Yeah sorry I guess I just missed seeing ya.” You bashfully say as he brushes a piece of you hair behind your ear. “S’alright darlin’, as I said I missed you too. How was your flight?” He asks sweetly as you relax in the car seat next to him, starting to realize how much you’ve really missed him. “It was good, are you excited for tour?” You ask while answering him, faintly hearing Billy close the trunk before he gets in the front. “I am, though I’m more excited to spend the next few weeks with you.” He honestly flirts as Billy starts to drive.

As you two catch up and flirt you begin the probably the wildest journey you’ve ever been on. Your day with Elvis at the international is the calm before the storm. The next day you adventure begins as you, Elvis, and his crew get on the tour buses and get ready. As the days and miles pass you get closer and closer to Elvis. Though a little over a week into tour, you should’ve realized you were in deep when you and him finally kissed in the late hours of the night on the tour bus. From that moment touches get more frequent and so do kisses, it’s not too much longer that those become heated. Every time you hugged, kissed, even fucked, you told yourself you two were just having fun. Leaving the older man confused but hooked. Though it all comes to a head shortly after the tour’s over.

It's the day after you two arrived at Graceland, and your naked body is sprawled over his as you two calm down from your highs. You lay your head against his chest and listen to his heartbeat as he rubs a hand up and down your back. You’re both quietly winding down before he asks, “What are we doin’ Y/N?” You keep you cheek pressed against his chest and look at the wall as you answer, “Laying here, unless that’s your way of asking for round two.” Purposefully avoiding the question, you knew he was really asking. “You know that’s not what I meant little girl.” He tells you with a scoff as you bite your lip. “I gotta know something darlin’. I can’t handle being left hangin’, wonderin.” He tells you firmly but gently as he takes his other hand to make you face him as you stay silent. “Please give me somethin’.” He tenderly pleads as you pause, feeling like his eyes were staring into your soul. “Please, I don’t want to lie to you Elvis. But I I can’t say it out loud and admit it. I’m scared of fallin’ in love again.” You tell him honestly, being the most vulnerable with the older man than you ever had been after a pause.

Your brothers words coming back into your mind and help fueling your honest confession as you bite your lip and watch his reaction. To your shock you see tenderness. “Oh baby, it’s always a bit of a terrifying rush but especially after you feel heartbreak. I’m worried about it too after what happened with Priscilla and I.” Elvis honestly tells you as his cerulean blue eyes gaze into Y/E/C eyes. “Yeah but what happened between you two’s a lot different than what happened between me and Corey. I know I don’t have to worry about you turning out like him, but it still scares me to fall back into love and let someone have that control over me. I lost myself after I left Corey.” You open up to him biting you lip as you start to absent-mindedly tracing on his chest. Deciding despite your heart hammering out of your chest, that you would listen to Vinny’s words and let yourself be honest with the man you’ve grown to love.

“If if I tell you the whole thing, do you promise not to look at me differently?” You ask confusing Elvis as he nods. “Course darlin’ I don’t think anything could change the way I see you.” He tells you softly, his plump lips pulling down some at how small you looked. “Vinny sees me differently. He won’t admit it but I know with how he treats me now. So please, please promise me you won’t too.” You plead looking into his eyes as you swallow another lump. “I promise Y/N.” He tells you tenderly as he waits for you to talk. You close your eyes and take a deep breath before opening you eyes back up to see Elvis’s worried look.

“I met Corey when I was a freshman in high school, he was a senior and I thought he hung the moon and the stars. I thought he was as cool as James Dean and as sweet as honey. He was at first.” You begin to tell Elvis, quickly averting your eyes to his chest as you continue on, “Everything was picture perfect for three years. I thought I was gonna marry him when I finished high school. Then something changed when I started my junior year.” You blink back the tears welling up and swallow a lump as you feel his warm hand start to rub circles on your back. “Darlin’ you don’t hav-“ Elvis goes to tell you as you pause before you thickly interrupt him, “No. No I gotta tell you Elvis. If I’m gonna finally admit my feelings and take that risk, you gotta know how fucked up I am.”  While you feel Elvis hug you into his chest , you don’t see the heart-breaking look that flashed across his eyes at your interruption.

“At first it was just comments and critiques. I was so in love with him that I believed every word he said about me. Then I couldn’t please him, so I started getting small punishments for my mistakes.  Still I fucking believed that he loved me, and that he was right. That I deserved every mark and ache. That if I was better that I could be enough.” You continue after your interruption, unable to start the tears from falling down your cheeks as you started to let it out. You hadn’t ever spoke about Corey to anyone besides Vinny, Shep, and Sheryl.

“Then when I started to finally smarten the fuck up, and realize that whatever we had then wasn’t love, I was fucking stuck. I was cut off from everyone, and sickly enough he was all I had. Vinny was in California, Mom and Dad couldn’t give a shit as long as I kept their godly image up. “ You continue to spew your soul, Elvis holding you the whole time his heart breaks for you. “Well I had finally gotten enough gumption to stand up to him, and he blew a fuse. The next thing I know is I’m waking up in the hospital and Vinny’s in the room crying. I know I don’t ever have to worry about that with you, but I just worry that if I let myself fall in love again it’ll just spoil and rotten.” You finally finish, unable to hold back your emotions. You bite your lip as you feel him gently cup you face to make you look at him, and the tender gaze he gives you make more tears appear. “Oh y/n darlin’ , I’m so sorry you went through that.” He tells you gently as he wipes your tears. “ First of all though, you’re not fucked up. If there’s anyone in that situation fucked up it’s that Corey bastard. “ Elvis tells you firmly but tenderly as he comforts you. “Though I honestly do get the fear part. I’m worried I’ll just run you off like I did Priscilla. “ He confesses to you as you sniffle, trying to stop your tears.

“Though while I can’t promise I won’t be a right ass at times, that it won’t be hard, I can promise that I’ll love you every day you let me.” He simply but honestly promises, his blue eyes staring into yours. You watch him chew on his bottom lip for a moment before asking,” I’m gonna ask again darlin’ and no matter the answer I’ll accept it and still want ya in my life. What are we doin’ Y/N?” Your heart hammers in your chest, and your flight response still screams to run despite you barring your soul to him. Swallowing a lump and honestly answer, your voice slightly raspy from crying, “I love you Elvis, I really do. I wanna try being in a relationship with you.” You watch as his face lights up and for once you don’t ignore the butterflies as he leans down and gives you a soft slow kiss. Pouring all his emotions into it as he presses his plush lips into yours. “I won’t be easy to be with.” You smally admit after you break apart, not helping the small smile as he chuckle, the sound vibrating his chest under you.

“That’s fine mama, I’m not easy to be with either.” Elvis tells you swipping his thumb across your cheek. “I love you Y/N,” He tells you sweetly causing your chest to warm. “Will you say it again?” You sweetly ask after a moment, looking up at him with doe eyes. “I love you, I love you, I love you.” He tells you happily as he rolls you over, making you giggle as you feel his lips lightly trace your neck. “I love you.” He tells you again breathlessly as he stares down at you, As you reach up and place a hand on his cheek you tell him. “I love you Elvis Presley.” Embracing the butterflies as his smile lights his face up before you softly lean up and kiss him. You two happily but tiredly cuddling and basking in the moment. As you fell asleep you knew that this feeling, that Elvis, was worth the risk and while you didn’t know what was going to happen next, you knew you could face it all with the man next to you.

[saltyhyunjae]

CHAPTER THREE: YOU KNOCK ME OUT COLD AND DISAPPEAR

genre/warnings: angst, fluff, slow burn, enemies to lovers (?), kidnapping, criminal!tbz, mentions of guns & knives, small mention of suicide

word count: 2.2k

summary: It’s time for y/n to carry out her escape plan.

part two

“Here’s the diary you asked for.” Kevin gives you a small notebook with a pen. “Thank you.” Tomorrow is gonna be the day. The day you finally escape. When you enter your room, you sit on your bed and write down the info you have gathered all week.

Everyone goes to their room around 2 in the morning. Eric gets his midnight snack at 2:30, and Sunwoo goes to the toilet around 3. By the time they’re all asleep it’s 3:30. Instead of leaving at 3:30 you decide that it’s better to stay put till 4. You also checked the door last night. It doesn’t have any censors and an easy lock. This should be an easy mission.

“Knock knock.” Younghoon walks into your room. You quickly close your diary and put it on your nightstand.

“That’s not how you knock.”

He laughs and lies on your bed. “I’m so bored, what should we do?” “We?” You turn around to face him and he nods. You look outside. It’s been raining all week but the sun has been shining all morning. “Why don’t we sit in the garden?” You suggest. Ever since you came back from the grocery store you’ve only been inside. You needed some fresh air.

After a couple minutes you were outside with Younghoon, sitting on a picnic blanket, eating some fruit and enjoying the nice weather.

“Ah, the weather is great today.” Younghoon smiles, laying down on the blanket and you do the same. You smile at the warm feeling from the sun, finally relaxing.

Even though your eyes are closed, you can suddenly feel a shadow above you, blocking the sun. “What the-, move!” You hear Younghoon complain and you open your eyes to see Hyunjae, standing between you too. If you’re completely honest you’ve been avoiding him ever since what happened that one night. The more you hangout with him, the weirder you start to feel.

“What are you guys doing?” “What does it look like? We’re enjoying the sun.” Younghoon puts his sunglasses back on and lays down again. You’re about to close your eyes again but Hyunjae finds a way to lie between you two. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” Younghoon groans. “I wanna enjoy the sun too.” “Go do that somewhere else.” “No.” You scootch over a bit and decide to just ignore him.

»»————-　➴　————-««

After you’re done with cleaning the living room and folding the laundry, Jacob asks you to have another guitar session, to which you excitedly agree. You loved his voice and you were hoping he could tell you a bit more about the boys.

He starts off by singing Paris In The Rain by Lauv. you absolutely love his voice and you automatically start smiling the second you hear him sing. You once again take your time to look at him. He has a soft smile as he sings, his hair falling just right above his eyes that are following the chords of the guitar and his head slowly nodding with the melodies.

When he finishes the song, you applaud him. “Wow Jacob, you’re so good at singing. Do you have some self-written songs?” He nods “I do, do you want to hear one?” You nod excitedly. “This one is called happy-” Jacob gets interrupted by Hyunjae storming into your room. Are you actually kidding me?

“Jacob, Sangyeon needs you to help him.” Jacob nods, stands up and thanks you for your time before leaving to help Sangyeon. You were hoping Hyunjae would leave with Jacob but instead he sits next to you on the bed, very close, leaving no personal space.

You're about to scootch away from him. But he places his hand on your thigh to stop you. Usually if a guy did this you would slap his hand away, but you can’t bring yourself to do that right now. “What’s with the distance? You’ve been avoiding me all week. Did you think I wouldn't notice?” He asks in a low voice. Your brain starts to fog up. “I-” You try to find words to say but nothing comes out. His face gets closer, never breaking eye contact with you.

“What? Do I make you nervous?” He smirks. You feel a bubble of annoyance come up. As you're about to reply with ‘no’, Eric storms in. “Y/n! ah Hyunjae, there you are!” “What do you want?” Hyunjae asks, clearly annoyed at Eric interrupting the two of you.

“Y/n, come play games with me. Hyunjae, you can come too if you want.” Hyunjae huffs and rolls his eyes. “Y/n, please.” Eric whines, now pulling your arm, trying to get you off the bed. “Okay okay.” You give in, scared to be alone with Hyunjae in one room. You would be lying if you say that your heart doesn't flutter every time you see him.

After an hour and a half of playing mario kart with Eric and Hyunjae, and you despite your sneaky protests, sitting in between them, and you beating both of them more than seven times, it’s finally time for dinner. And guess who you're sitting next to. Hyunjae.

“So guys, our break is ending. Our next group mission starts next week, so make sure you prepare for it well. I’ll tell you guys the details later.” Sangyeon announces and the boys cheer. “Finally I was so bored.” Changmin drops on his chair. “You're always bored, maybe you're just boring.” Eric laughs, making fun of him, but quickly stopping as Changmin points a knife at him.

After dinner Sangyeon and Chanhee offer to help clean up and Kevin helps you with the dishes. By the time you're done it’s late, so you decide to go to bed first. Since your escape is tomorrow, you need as much rest as you can.

»»————-　➴　————-««

Today you woke up a little later than normally so you won't be tired tonight. You really need your energy to run as fast as possible. After you guys are done with eating breakfast you watch a drama with Juyeon, Haknyeon and Eric, do laundry and clean the house and by the time you're done it's time to prepare for dinner which Younghoon and Sunwoo helps you with.

After dinner you clean up with Eric and then go to your room to prepare your outfits. You grab a sweater from your closet and a pair of leggings that would be comfortable and warm, since it would be cold at night.

While you put them under your bed with your sneakers, someone knocks on your door. Finally someone who can knock, you think. “Come in.” Jacob comes in smiling at you. “Hi, am I disturbing you?” You shake your head sitting on your bed and he does the same.

“Well I just wanna tell you I'm very happy to have you here, you’ve been helping us a lot even though I know you don’t wanna be here and I really appreciate you. I would’ve given you a present, but I don't think you would appreciate stolen stuff.” He looks down at his knees, blushing a bit, cute.

You started to feel a pang of guilt in your heart, Jacob has been an angel to you ever since you first spoke to him but you couldn’t take it any longer, you wanted to leave. You needed to leave. Trying to enjoy the time you had left with him you guys spent hours talking about Canada, his childhood, why he doesn’t swear and about how much he loves basketball. You could watch him talk for hours. You nod to everything he says, trying to ignore the butterflies you feel when you two make eye contact.

»»————-　➴　————-««

You look up at the clock in your room. 04:00. You get up from your bed and make your way to your bedroom door. You slowly open your door and walk to the stairs, quietly going down the steps and taking breaks every few steps. You mentally sigh when u make it downstairs u slowly make your way to the front door in the dark careful not to make a noise.

When you walk past the kitchen you decide to take a knife with you, just in case. When you get to the door you slowly open the door, cringing at the little squeak sound it makes in the process.

Once the door is wide enough for you to fit in, you step outside, leaving the door open, since the sound of the door closing might wake them up. You take a few quick steps till you reach further from the house.

Once you’re reaching the forest you hear the door slam open. Shit! You turn around before you start running. Sangyeon’s standing at the door. Clearly very angry. “Y/N!” You hear him scream as you start running fasters. You hear the others making a fuss as you take a turn right into the forest.

“God, she’s fast.” Kevin breathes out, taking a break from running. “Yeah, just let her go, I'm too tired.” Chanhee squats down, Younghoon doing the same. “No! she’ll report us to the police and then it’s over for us, we need to find her.” Sangyeon says before making his way to the forest, the others following behind him.

You notice the forest is on top of a hill, which makes you run down faster. You run way faster than expected, almost twisting your ankle when taking a turn left. The footsteps of the boys started to fade away but you didn’t slow down, adrenaline still rushing through your body.

“Y/N!” Sangyeon screams looking around, he stops running and waits for the others to catch up, when they do, he shares his plan. “Okay, we're splitting up in the units we use for our missions, call me when you find her.” And they all split up in their units, Sangyeon’s unit going left.

“How could she do this?” Eric sighs. “I mean we kidnapped her, this was bound to happen.” Hyunjae says. He hates to admit but he’s worried sick and hopes you're not hurt. He shrugs it off thinking it's just a normal reaction and that he’s not actually catching feelings for you.

After a while your running slows down and you start to get tired. You stumble across a huge fallen down tree and you decide to hide behind it. Cliche but you're so tired, you can barely feel your legs. Once you sit down, you bend a bit making sure your head isn’t visible. You sigh. Why did you have to be the one to get kidnapped, why did they have to rob the store you work at. You stop the tears you feel from flowing so it won’t block your sight.

“How fast is she, God.” You hear Changmin’s voice from a little distance. Shit. You're freaking out but remain in your position. You pray that they won’t see you, cause they’ll definitely kill you when they do. The voices are starting to fade and you take the opportunity to start running again, regaining the adrenaline you had earlier.

But you should’ve waited. Juyeon spots you. “There!” You hear him yell and they start running after you. You panic, taking a run right, into the darker part of the forest. You jump over another fallen tree and make your way further down. Once you lose them you slow down a bit. You can barely see anything, so you start walking.

Suddenly you feel two hands grab you. You startle and stab the person with the knife you're holding. “Ow!” Jacob. You panic as you start running again, feeling slightly bad that he was the one you stabbed. You hope he’s okay as you start running faster.

After a while you stumble over something that makes you fall down, hurting your knee and elbows. “Fuck.” You whisper, quickly getting up. Soon after you run into a tree hurting your chest and cheek. You were getting so tired, you couldn’t even focus on where you were running to. You prayed this all was just a bad dream and you would wake up in your own room again, remaining your normal life.

“Jacob what happened!” Sangyeon gives him a worried look. The boys gather around Jacob, who’s holding his arm. “She stabbed me.” He understands why you did it but it still hurts him. “God, she has a knife.” Sunwoo panics. “Younghoon and Chanhee, bring Jacob to the house and take care of his wound. The rest of us will keep on searching.” The boys nod at his order and split up again.

An hour passes and the boys still haven’t found you. Hyunjae starts to worry even more. They were all wearing a jacket, but you didn't. It was so cold around this time of the day and it would be so easy to freeze up. “Shouldn’t we just give up. The sun will start rising soon, she’ll probably show up again.” He suggests, but Sangyeon ignores him. He sighs. As much as he wants you to be free, he doesn’t want to let you go.

You’re just roaming around at this point. You have no idea how much time has passed, or if the boys have given up already. You think it might be easier to just stab yourself with a knife and just die. But you didn’t want to give up. You wanted your old life back. You finally see the end of the forest a couple meters away from you and run towards it. But something grabs you and spins you around. You look up and your eyes widen. Hyunjae.

»»————-　➴　————-««

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@beauchamp-fraser @n-xrmy @givememunjang

[comfortwriting]

Unbreak My Heart - F.W

Fred Weasley X Reader Part 2 of ‘Call Out My Name’, inspired by the song ‘Unbreak My Heart’ by Toni Braxton.

Part 1 , Part 3

About: Fred realises he has everything wrong. His heart aching for the reader after pushing her aside for someone else, he searches for her to apologise for what he’s done and to admit his true feelings for her.

Theme: Heartache, sadness, moving on, relationships, rumours.

Warnings: mentions of raw emotions, *incredibly light* smut, depression, body image issues and swearing.

Don't leave me in all this pain Don't leave me out in the rain Come back and bring back my smile Come and take these tears away I need your arms to hold me now The nights are so unkind Bring back those nights when I held you beside me

The first thirteen months without Fred were the worst. You couldn’t face visiting Weasleys Wizard Wheezes no matter how many times George asked in his letters which you ignored. You couldn’t go into Diagon Alley without hearing news about The Weasleys - more importantly, the news about Fred and his darling; they were now engaged.

You kept to your bedroom, crying to sleep every night, looking through all the pictures you had taken of and with Fred over the years that you were with him. Letters you had written to him laid scrunched up all over your floor like an author going mad over a sticky, confusing, part of the story - but that was exactly what this was. 

Everywhere you went as you entered Diagon Alley, you were forced to listen to the news over and over again that the shop was a success. You wanted to congratulate George, but after ignoring him for so long you couldn’t bring yourself to pick up a pen to reach out to him.

Too afraid to let anyone in after the damage Fred inflicted on you, you didn’t bother meeting anyone new.

Plenty of people offered and even your sister tried to match you up with a friend of hers from work, but you declined and allowed Fred’s damage to take over you.

You only left the house for work which was torture enough as you worked with Percy at the Ministry. You ate one meal a day which was an apple on your lunch break. You didn’t dream of moving out despite your parents encouragement and you simply just collapsed in on yourself whilst your family constantly complained about Fred, swearing that you chose the wrong twin.

Although you hated Fred - or at least convinced yourself that you did - you still thought about him every single day, and at bedtime you would envision yourself back on his sofa in his arms underneath that scratchy patchwork blanket you shared many memories under. 

Laying awake staring at the ceiling, you took a deep breath. It had been over a year. You couldn’t go on like this. You needed to claim your life back, one step at a time. Sitting up in your bed, you grabbed the last of your parchment and leaned it against an old book. Dipping your feather quill into your ink pot that rested beside your bed next to the framed picture of you and Fred, you wrote to George.

You began apologising for not replying and for not visiting the shop, explaining why, and asked how everything was going - you missed your friend and it became suffocating to ignore him reaching out.

Un-break my heart Say you'll love me again Undo this hurt you caused When you walked out the door And walked out of my life Un-cry these tears I cried so many nights Un-break my heart My heart

It had been another five months since you wrote your letter to George and you were still waiting for a reply. You told yourself that perhaps he got too busy with the shop or he just didn’t want to mend things after you ignored him for so long. Either way, you didn’t ponder on it, sprayed yourself with some perfume, and got ready to leave for your third date this week.

George wasn’t ignoring you on purpose. He truly was too busy with not just everything at the shop, but also helping Fred plan out this so-called wedding and engagement party that came out of nowhere. He planned to write back but time got the better of him, he knew you wouldn’t take it personally.

“Oh look at you!” your sister grinned, “Same guy?” she asked enthusiastically. 

“No,” you shook your head and grabbed your coat, putting it on, “I don’t see the same guy twice if the spark isn’t there.”

Your sister smiled to herself and told you to have a good time. You enjoyed yourself temporarily until you remembered Fred Weasley and what he did. He was the reason why you decided against seeing the same person twice. If there was no chemistry during intimacy you moved on. Speed dating was the perfect temporary aid you needed at the moment.  

And just like Fred and his fiancé, word got out about you and how desirable you were. Instead of wallowing in self-pity, you started looking after yourself and forced yourself into the limelight. Even if it didn’t result in finding your true love, you still wanted to have fun along the way.

Your parents went to The Leaky Cauldron, and just as they were leaving, they bumped into Molly and Arthur Weasley. Your parents flinched at first sight, but swallowed the anger they had towards their son Fred.

“Oh Mr and Mrs Y/LN! what a lovely surprise to see you!” Molly chirped up. George turned his head and stood up to greet your parents. Unlike Fred, they loved George.

“And you.” Your father replied, his voice monotone.

“We haven’t seen your daughter for ages. We missed her last summer, please ask her to come and see us. George misses her and it’s our Freddie's engagement party tonight!” Molly babbled on, pointing to George when she mentioned him and Fred.

Molly and Arthur loved you coming over to the burrow. They loved you even more seeing how happy you made their son. In their eyes you brought out the best in him. On the other hand, they weren’t keen on the girl Fred decided to marry, she was inconsiderate, selfish and didn’t know what hard work was - she was handed everything she ever wanted, the exact opposite to you.

Your fathers face flushed with frustration. Didn’t they know why you never came around anymore? Were they not aware that Fred was the reason she screamed and cried every night for over a year?

Your mother hesitated but decided against holding back. She liked the Weasley family, but she couldn’t allow Fred to get away with what he had done. 

“Maybe you should ask your darling boy, Fred. Or maybe George will tell you, he’s the decent one of the two.” 

Your mother said no more and stormed out of the packed pub, your father trailing behind nodding a goodbye to George. Molly and Arthur stood there speechless and looked over at George, demanding that he tells them what happened as soon as they arrive home when everyone has gone to bed.

Fred felt strange throughout the whole party. He didn’t feel happy like he thought he would - he hadn’t been feeling happy for the past five months. Something in his life just didn’t feel right and he couldn’t put his finger on what was wrong -waking up next to his girlfriend made him feel sick and he realised how stupid he was thinking that getting engaged would make everything better.

Molly, Arthur and George sat at the dining table when everyone else was in bed. “George you better tell me what happened, now!” Molly hissed in a low whisper.

George spilled absolutely everything, from beginning to end. As much as he loved his twin, he didn’t shy away from any details even if they showed Fred for exactly who he was, and the awful things he did. Molly and Arthur were outraged at their child's behaviour. Molly had to restrain herself at the table whilst she sobbed into her hands.

Far away, you panted heavily as you came down from your high with your date. Unmounting him, you laid beside him in his bed. He took off his condom and breathlessly offered taking a shower with him. You accepted his offer knowing that you could go home straight after, you wouldn’t need to stress about hurrying in the morning to get to work on time. 

Take back that sad word goodbye Bring back the joy to my life Don't leave me here with these tears Come and kiss this pain away I can't forget the day you left Time is so unkind And life is so cruel without you here beside me

Work at the ministry became more tolerable over the next six months. Percy smiled at you more often and you couldn’t understand why. You didn’t look into it and simply smiled back. You flourished even more within the same time - you had got into a relationship with the one night stand you shared a shower with. The curly haired bookshop assistant grew on you and you didn’t mind, he often made you laugh so hard you burst into tears.

Whilst you were finding yourself, running with the wind, Fred had fallen apart completely. He overheard George spilling his guts, and finally realised why everything felt so wrong, why he wasn’t happy. You were the missing piece. His guilt and mistakes were eating him alive. He broke off the engagement - to his parents delight - and vowed on finding you and making everything right. George felt relieved that he had his own room because Fred’s cries were enough to make anyone feel ill.

Fred slept with the Irish scarf he bought you from the world cup, and he kept the patchwork blanket on his bedroom, refusing to bring it back downstairs.

Memories flashed back to him, the two of you in the tent, “Oh Fred are you sure?” you asked him as he put the scarf around your neck.

He chuckled and kissed your head, “Anything for you, my love!”

Then memories from the sofa flooded in, hurting him even more. 

“I’m so in love with you,” you moaned, cupping his face while he made love to you. 

He shook his head and came to his senses, angry that he put such a lovely girl in the firing line.

“Percy, Y/N works with you doesn’t she? Can you tell her I need to see her.” He later begged.

Percy refused, “That would be an incredibly inappropriate thing to do in the work place!” 

Fred wrote you letters, but you never got them. The family refused to lend him their owl and Fred couldn’t understand muggle post. Getting desperate, he would stay in Diagon Alley trying to see where you were lurking after work, asking strangers if they had seen you, showing them the only picture he had of you.

“It’s going to be perfect here!” Your mum smiled looking around your large half unpacked apartment, “When will he be moving in?” She winked.

You finally saved up enough money to move out and you were planning on asking your boyfriend to move in if things continued to run smoothly. You had got your furniture, all you needed were the items left in the big green box from your bedroom. “I’ll collect them next week.” 

Feeling brave with your partner, arms linked, the two of you visited George’s shop. He had sent you a letter letting you know when Fred wasn’t working and you felt confident that you wouldn’t bump into him.

“I’m so proud of you!” You cheered for George, giving him a hug.

After paying for your bits and bobs you previously saw in the design stages, you walked out of the shop and bumped into someone. Looking up to apologise, you realised it was Fred. He stared at you - both of you mirroring each other looking like a deer caught in the headlights. 

You shook yourself out of the immediate shock Fred was still stuck in. 

“Sorry,” you muttered, walking away, your boyfriend asking what his problem was.

Un-break my heart Say you'll love me again Undo this hurt you caused When you walked out the door And walked out of my life Un-cry these tears I cried so many nights Un-break my heart

Another week went by and Fred was going stir crazy. Customers in his shop who knew you both were whispering about how happy you were now. Him and George argued when he discovered the letter between you two.

Fred rifled through the stacks of letters and found your parents address where you no longer lived. He got on his broom, not caring if muggles saw him, and landed on the roof. He crawled down to your window and gave it a tap with his wand with a soft “Alohomora”.

Expecting to find you asleep, he discovered only disappointment that your room laid bare and empty. The bedside table had nothing but a folded photo lying face down on it, the bin on the floor full of parchment balls.

He unfolded the photo and put a hand over his mouth, seeing you and him moving during your morning walks. He bent down and grabbed a ball from the bin, unravelling the parchment. He cried reading the letters you had written him but never sent. Out of the corner of his eye he spotted the green box on your bed and he went through it, more tears spilling down his face.

“I’ll just grab my box!” He heard you yell, walking upstairs. 

Without giving him time to hide, you opened the door, revealing him standing in front of you. You held back a scream of shock and took a deep breath shaking your head, “Fred please - you can’t be here.” 

Fred shook his head and cried, “I’m so sorry, for everything,” he made his way closer to you, “I got everything wrong, her, everything.”

Not wanting your parents to see him, you closed your bedroom door and locked it, your heart pounding. Tears fell from your eyes, the walls you put up against him crashing down, your hate for him melting away and your love for him surging inside.

“Why are you here?” you questioned him through your cries.

Fred walked over to you slowly not wanting to scare you off. This was the closest you had been to him since you bumped into him at the shop. The young man you fell in love with wrapped his arms around you, tangling his hands in your hair. You stayed still with your hands by your side.

“I’m in love with you.” Fred choked out between sobs. He pulled away and gently put your hands in his, your tear filled eyes getting lost in his.

“Fred- I can’t!” you shook your head crying, feeling weak at the words he said and the ones you replied with. 

“Please,” Fred begged getting onto his knees, staring up at you, “please let me make things right.”

Don't leave me in all this pain Don't leave me out in the rain Bring back the nights when I held you beside me

“I think you look stunning,” Fred complimented you, soot spread out all over your nose.

You chuckled and sneaked a kiss on his lips, only to hear a loud thud on the desk in front of you.

“One weeks’ detention for the two of you,” Professor Snape snarled, “and fifty points will be deducted from your house.”

Un-break my heart Say you'll love me again Undo this hurt you caused When you walked out the door And walked out of my life Un-cry these tears I cried so many, many nights Oh, un-break my

“What do you mean you’re taking her instead of me!” you freaked out, throwing your earrings at the mirror. 

“It’s just a bloody Yule Ball. Y/N. It doesn’t mean anything.” Fred argued.

“Well it does to me!” you argued back, “I’m guessing I was just your back up plan if she said no.” 

Un-break my heart, oh baby Come back and say you love me Un-break my heart, sweet darlin' Without you I just can't go on

Fred held you in his arms, the two of you watching the muggle horror movie in amazement. You nuzzled your head into his neck, planting kisses on it softly. Fred let out a soft shaky moan, his hand making its way up your thigh. “We’ll need to be quiet,” he whispered, pulling your underwear off.

Can't go on (Say that you love me, say that you love me) (Tell me you love me, un-break my) (Say that you love me, say that you love me) (Tell me you love me, un-break my)

You stared at Fred, still trying to process what he said. You pursed your lips and stayed quiet getting lost in your thoughts. Fred noticed you were in shock and lost for words. He pulled out the scarf from his coat pocket and walked over to you, wrapping it around you.

You stared up at him, getting lost in those gorgeous eyes that you missed so much. You looked down at his lips and kissed him impulsively.

He kissed back.

[dkniade]

How To World Domination [English Translyrics]

Original Japanese lyrics: Neru [original upload]

English translyrics: Dusk

Referenced translation: Oktavia [here]

Content Warning: violent/war imagery, suicidal thoughts, depression, swearing 

See the end of post for notes

1st Verse

Who’s the one who’s crouching low, too scared to let your sorrows flow?

Strike as hard as you were laughed at — Twice or tenfold

Just you wait. It will be me who will seize our victory

Without arms, let’s hand in hand march on, and let me lead

Should the years spin out of grasp and should the heavens get upturned

Promise me you’ll let go of the price tag you have learned

“Again a poor draft… Should this one be my last?”

Please don’t give up. Don’t throw your life in the trash

1st Pre-Chorus

Shivering at station’s stop once again

Thinking “Should I just make it end?”

I’m at a loss, ‘cause tomorrow I must play the boss

Of my future self without a fail. I cannot tell if I will prevail

1st Chorus 

Let the years go by, and cars will fly and that’s how we’d get home

And survive the nights and talk to screens for comfort and to cope

So what? Convenience and ease? Well then, come and convince me

Don’t you know my heart’s still bleeding, voice behind the phone?!

If a missile flies across the sky, and victory’s secured

Then I’d join my hands and pray for joy and beg that I’d be heard

Then I’d know that I must be kind, more kind

Can I say I’ve come to terms with who I am?

2nd Verse

“Why don’t you look for the light within the gift that is your life?”

But the darkness takes and never gives back delights

Be it when I’m by myself or I’m with somebody else

Loneliness will strike back. I’m attacked. Requesting help! 

Bridge

“Wanna kill myself.” But they don’t believe me

“Quit your whining! So depressing…” From their words, I bleed

“Such a drama queen.” But I swear that I’m not lying!

I cannot find words in a mind so ill-defined

Thus I will sing of things only I see!

2nd Pre-Chorus

Shimmering, heading into the dark arcade

Thinking “Should I just waste life away?”

Yet at a cost, ‘cause tomorrow might not live at all

If I die today. The last refrain beneath the train has so much to say…

2nd Chorus

“Keep your fucking love. I’m fine unloved,” I say, yet deep inside

I know I’m ashamed and I’m to blame. To myself I have lied

Has something changed, my dear heart? Still wanna die and depart?

God, I hate that you don’t try. You know there’s help tonight!

If a missile flies across the sky, and victory’s secured

If the ashes of a million fly, and that is called a cure

Then I’d know that I must be kind, more kind

Can I say I’ve come to terms with

Who I am? I must change. Be kind, more kind

Before my heart hardens and turns into stone

———

“Can I say I’ve come to terms with who I am?”

I wrote translyrics for this first back in 2017, and then rewrote it in 2021. Now, I’m taking a shot at this yet again in 2022, because I remember seeing Oktavia’s interpretation and translation of its lyrics and thinking that it captured the vibe of the song very well. I feel that I’ve understood the song some more. This time, I’ve put in some of my own interpretations, so the lyrics are even more emotional than my previous versions while hopefully still retaining the original themes from Neru’s Japanese lyrics. Taking inspiration from the assonance, consonance, and end rhymes in Oktavia’s English lyrics, particularly her lyrics for “Melancholy of the Literary Boy” (warning: discusses depression), I’ve put more focus on the rhythm and flow of these lyrics as well.

This song talks about a pretty heavy topic, but because of the honesty of it, along with the line “I want to become a kind person” in spite of everything else discussed, it remains as one of my favourite songs by Neru.

Oh yeah, I wanted to talk about my thought process a bit.

In the first verse, “Should the years spin out of grasp and should the heavens get upturned” is foreshadowing the chorus’ lines “Let the years go by, and cars will fly and that’s how we’d get home” and “If a missile flies across the sky, and victory’s secured”. Oktavia’s translation says, “Let’s make a ‘no matter what crazy stuff happens after this’ sort of promise,” so I took the chance to expand on that line and link it to the chorus.

By the way, I really wanted to employ a bunch of rhythms in succession for the last lines of the pre-choruses (and bridge) since the melody cuts it up into sections, so I really liked those lines too. “Of my future self without a fail. I cannot tell if I will prevail”, “I cannot find words in a mind so ill-defined” and “If I die today. The last refrain beneath the train has so much to say…” sound nice when sung quickly.

In the chorus, there’s a line where Oktavia translated to “Honestly, so what? Before you marvel at how convenient all that’s gonna be, / convenience me and heal my emotional scars!” I’ve always loved the original line and Oktavia’s translation brings across the meaning very well, so I pushed it further by writing “So what? Convenience and ease? Well then, come and convince me / Don’t you know my heart’s still bleeding, voice behind the phone?!”. This is just a bit I added into the middle of the choruses, but the idea is that the narrators Tsuji and Azuma (the characters in the MV) are using a suicide hotline at night, hence that line and the second chorus’ “God, I hate that you don’t try. You know there’s help tonight!”

The entire bridge was the first time I’ve realized just how dark this song is. Prior to Oktavia’s translation, I’ve never quite understood the bridge, but her translation brought out the meaning much better, especially for the line “but it was like a dagger to my heart when people said stuff like ‘Seriously? This again?’ towards it”. Thus I ran with the idea of other people’s cruel opinions towards depressed individuals and wrote, “‘Quit your whining! So depressing…’ From their words, I bleed / ‘Such a drama queen.’ But I swear that I’m not lying!”

The starting line of the second chorus took many tries because Oktavia expresses the meaning very well in her translation, however it was a challenge to fit the message through the limited syllable counts along with the internal rhymes. Her translation is “Even if I say ‘To hell with love,’ embracing my misery and feigning a ‘I’ve stopped giving a shit’ sort of air”. Thus, I tried “‘You can’t save me with some love you’ve got,’ I say, yet deep inside” and “‘I’m unsavable, so keep your love,’ I say, yet deep inside”. The problem was that with the fast tempo of the song, the first line might sound like “You CAN save me with some love you’ve got” which defeats the whole purpose of the line. The line that I ended up using came to me during an improvisation and I rushed to scribble it down. “‘Keep your fucking love. I’m fine unloved,’ I say, yet deep inside”. I try to not swear in translyrics when the original doesn’t swear, but the original does swear (in a different part). With the melody of this line, the emphasized note would hit “fine” which emphasizes the sentiment behind the line well…

And lastly, I really wanted to keep the repetition and assonance in the original line (in romaji), “Yasashii hito ni naranakucha / Boku wa boku wo kouteishiteikeru kana”, so that line took some tries. Oktavia’s translation was “Then I guess I really need to become a kind person. I wonder if I’ll ever be proud of who I am…” An early version was “I would have to be kind. I know I must / Can I, would I say I’m proud of who I am?” But in the end, I wrote “Then I’d know that I must be kind, more kind / Can I say I’ve come to terms with who I am?” which has the repetition I wanted so I’m really happy how it turned out.

I believe that’s all. Thank you for reading!

[sinsbymanka]

Hello!! It is @rare-egg-hunt month which means we are officially celebrating all our Solas rare pairs!

If you're following this blog you may be somewhat aware I've been "painting" my eggs all through March. Starting next Monday I'm going to be pushing out a multichaptered story built around 12 of the prompts from the Rare Egg Hunt. It's called Cheating the Dread Wolf and will focus on the post-Trespasser love story of Maria Cadash, Solas, and Varric Tethras.

Maria Cadash hung up the Inquisitor's mantle for the Viscountess' crown, but she's unable to stop her desperate and impossible struggle to stop Fen'Harel from destroying the world both her husband and daughter inhabit. The fact Varric, Maria, and Solas are all madly in love with each other just means she may have enough of an edge to win this game.

In other words, everyone is poly and happy but first there's some shit they've gotta go through. I promise there will be angst, fluff, smut, dad Varric, dad Solas, and mama Cadash. Plus an absolutely ADORABLE baby as a treat.

I also have a playlist to go with it! Here's a list of all my songs and why I've picked them as a sneak peek!

Things That Stop You Dreaming by Passenger

If you can't be what you want You learn to be the things you're not If you can't get what you need You learn to need the things that stop you dreaming Oh the things that stop you dreaming

The PINING at the beginning of this story is outrageous. It is honestly a sequel to two fics, the first of which was written by the lovely @blarfkey who inspired, enable, and beta'd this entire project. (seriously. It would never have happened without her and I owe her so much for the idea and the love she's poured into it alongside me).

The two fics can be found in the series Three Liars Mend Broken Hearts on AO3. It shows the way Solas and Maria can't seem to stay away from each other and the ill advised sexy times that happens as a result (yes these are both smut with plot and feelings). So by the time we start Cheating the Dread Wolf they've already acted on their feelings even though they shouldn't and they're all a bit of a mess.

Rest of the playlist below!

Never Really Over by Katy Perry 

Two years, and just like that, my head still takes me back Thought it was done, but I guess it's never really over Oh, we were such a mess, but wasn't it the best? Thought it was done, but I guess it's never really over

I revisit the theme of not being able to let go and move on a lot in this story - in both good and bad ways. Varric, in particular, is completely unwilling to give up on Solas no matter what. Solas is unable to let go of his past. Maria can’t let go of her distrust. It’s all a mess.

Power Over Me by Dermot Kennedy

So we hide away and never tell You decide, if darkness knows you well That lesson of love, all that it was I need you to see You got that power over me

This is such a good smut song. I will live and die on this hill. It’s on my smut playlist too. ANYWAY. This is a good song for Maria and Solas. Also. Smut. 

That Man by Caro Emerald

Ooh that man is like a flame And ooh that man plays me like a game My only sin is I can't win Ooh I wanna love that man

This is a recommendation from @blarfkey and is the quintessential Varric romance song. I picked this one for a very specific chapter where Varric in effect tricks Solas into a tea party with him and Varric and Maria’s daughter. 

Hold My Girl by George Ezra

I've got time, I've got love Got confidence you'll rise above Give me a minute to hold my girl Give me a minute to hold my girl

This is actually for a chapter that mostly focuses on parenthood and how it brings our trio together. It’s very angsty and heartwrenching and I love it so much. 

You are the Reason by Calum Scott

I don't wanna hide no more I don't wanna cry no more Come back I need you to hold me (You are the reason) Be a little closer now Just a little closer now Come a little closer I need you to hold me tonight

This is THE OT3 song and the unofficial theme song of this fucking fic. I have listened to it on repeat more than anything else on this playlist. 

Me and the Devil by the Fratellis

Tell one last beautiful lie for me Make all your promises rhyme for me Keep me in line but do it honestly Make it real, make it slow, stay alive for me Come on, babe where the line goes dead I'll be fire, I'll be rain, I'll be joy, I'll be dread Come on, baby don't be shy All I want is you and I Out on the street I'll be every face There'll be no man alive That can take my place

This song just gives me Solas related chills. I cannot with it. These two verses in particular scream Varric, Solas, and Maria. This is also on the playlist at approximately the part of the story where shit starts going down. Also another @blarfkey recommendation. 

Move by Saint Motel

This girl, this beautiful girl, with eyes the size of the o-o-ocean. This man, this dutiful man, he's got these mixed up emo-o-o-tions. I want it, can't have it. Oh I can hardly stand it. Oh what's a man to do... Gotta get up, I gotta get up. Move!

A recent addition to this playlist thanks to @paisleybees who sent this to me as I was writing a chapter that fit it PERFECTLY. I actually picture it as a Varric/Solas song for this work. 

Monster by Paramore

I'll stop the whole world, I'll stop the whole world From turning into a monster and eating us alive Don't you ever wonder how we survive? Well now that you’re gone, the world is ours

Another “shit is getting real” song and another @blarfkey recommendation. This is a McFighterson Cadash song for sure. It’s also what I picture for the sole action sequence in this fic. 

Poison and Wine by The Civil Wars

You only know what I want you to I know everything you don't want me to Oh your mouth is poison, your mouth is wine You think your dreams are the same as mine Oh I don't love you but I always will

Enemies and Lovers. Enemies and lovers. Need I say more?! This is SUCH a good song for that trope!

Silence by Marshmello (featuring Khalid) 

I found peace in your violence Can't tell me there's no point in trying I'm at one, and I've been quiet for too long I found peace in your violence Can't tell me there's no point in trying I'm at one, and I've been silent for too long

Circling back around to themes of letting go and holding on. This kind of starts the happy ending bit of this work (YES I SWEAR THERE’S A HAPPY ENDING). 

This Year’s Love by David Gray

This year's love had better last 'Cause who's to worry if our hearts get torn When that hurt gets thrown Don't ya know this life goes on? Won't ya kiss me on that midnight street? Sweep me off my feet Singing, "ain't this life so sweet?"

HAPPY ENDING. A bittersweet but ultimately hopeful one <3 

Glitter and Gold by Barns Courtney

Do you walk in the valley of kings? Do you walk in the shadow of men Who sold their lives to a dream? Do you ponder the manner of things In the dark? The dark, the dark, the dark I am flesh and I am bone Arise, ting ting, like glitter and gold I've got fire in my soul Rise up, ting ting, like glitter

This is for the epilogue. It’s called the Dread Wolf Cub Rises and I refuse to give any other details. 

BONUS

Problem by Natalia Kills 

I'm your dream girl This is real love But you know what they say about me... That girl is a problem Girl is a problem Girl is a problem problem

Bea Cadash shows up a lot in this fic with her background sweet angel boyfriend Cole. There’s been a couple times where I need to write Bea and this is just the perfect song to capture her goddamn attitude. 

Anyway! Happy egg hunting!

[seven-seas-of-taylor]

temporary fix | ben hardy x reader

a/n: this has been in my drafts for quite some time now,, and i wanted to post it :3 i pROMISE ILL MAKE SOMETHING SOON, i just want to make it perfect :) also, based on a song called “temporary fix” by one direction, hope u like this :)

MASTERLIST

warning/s: swearing, almost has smut but there’s none

word count: 2.2k

EDITED

saw your body language and i know how you’re feeling

you look like the type of girl who’s tired of speaking

standing with somebody but he doesn’t know what you like

“here, you want some?” your boyfriend james offered you some salad, but you shook your head.

“no, thanks.” you sighed and rest your chin on your hand.

this date is so boring.

“what do you want, hm? do you want me to order some steak for you?”

he doesn’t even know what you like!

“no. i want to go home.” you wanted to say the last sentence but you knew your boyfriend would get mad and all, so you didn’t.

you caught my attention, you were looking at me first

saw that i could teach you, waking up in my t-shirt

if your not hooked on anything, right now i can be your vice

ben looked around the restaurant and locked eyes with a girl. with you.

you looked away from his gaze, embarrassed but he was smirking.

“mate, you okay? why the hell are you smirking like that?” joe asked, raising his eyebrow.

“oh. nothing.”

you look hot in your dress, but you’d totally look hotter wearing his t-shirt.

he also noticed you were getting bored with that man. you stood up and excused yourself to go to the washroom.

“i’ll just go to the washroom joe, i’ll be back.” he stood up and walked away.

“hey, wai-“

so he followed you and tapped your shoulder. “hey...”

“o-oh, hi.” you were not expecting this guy to come up to you, especially when he’s a freaking actor.

“here’s my number. call me if you’re bored or something... we can hang out. by the way i’m sure you probably know me by the look on your face..?” he smiled and gave you a paper which has his number.

“(y/n).” you smiled back.

“so, see you, (y/n)?” he smiled again before walking away.

all you need to know is

you can call me

when you're lonely

when you can't sleep

i’ll be your temporary fix

you control me, even if it's just tonight

you thought about calling ben. you couldn’t sleep, and you were alone in bed.

your boyfriend james was away to god knows where, but you could care less.

so you reached for the nightstand to get your phone and dialed ben’s number, which you memorized not long ago.

you waited for him to pick it up, putting your phone to your ear.

“hello?”

“h-hi ben, it’s me (y/n).” you were nervous and you don’t know why.

“oh, (y/n). how are you?”

“i’m good,” you smiled. “i just couldn’t sleep and i’m alone.”

the whole night was spent by you two talking about your lives. you learned alot from him, about his life.

“goodnight (y/n).” you heard him say before drifting off to sleep.

you can call me

when you feel like

i’m your good time

i’ll be your temporary fix

you can own me, and we'll call this what you like

let me be your good night

“i saw your missed call.” james’ voice boomed. “who the fuck is ben?”

you rolled your eyes. “no one. he’s just my friend, james.”

“a friend?!” he breathed in. “i know you have been talking to him these past weeks.”

oh my god, this is unbelievable.

“w-we haven’t even met up! what the hell are you talking about?”

“so you’re planning to meet up with him?”

“so what if i am? we’re just friends. nothing more.”

he glared at you. “you know what? if you’re gonna be like that, then leave.”

“fine.” you grabbed your purse, got out, then slammed the door.

how could he?

you proceeded to the cafe since it was 12 am and your boyfriend just locked you out, plus you were sleepy so you needed coffee.

ben...

you dialed ben’s number and not even in 5 seconds, he picked it up. “what’s up (y/n)?”

“i-i need you.” you sobbed. “please...”

“alright, where are you?”

“the cafe near the restaurant we met a few weeks ago.”

the night is on your lips and i feel like i’m locked in

there’s a million eyes, i don't care if they're watching

your body is saying everything

i don't have to read your mind

ben arrived at the cafe where you were staying at. he sat on a chair, facing you.

“you look sleepy.” he stated, and you let out a dry chuckle.

“heh. i am.” you yawned. “and i have nooowhere to go. my boyfriend locked me out of the apartment because we fought.”

he gasped softly. “what? i’m taking you to my flat.”

your eyes went big as saucers. “what? no! i mean.. is it okay..?”

he let out a laugh. “of course. now come on, let’s go.”

you two went out of the cafe, and you shivered. “i fucking forgot my jacket. oh my go-“

“here.” he removed his jacket, exposing his white t-shirt. he put it around your shoulders, and warmth engulfed your figure.

“t-thank you.” your lips curled up into a smile. speaking of your lips, he was staring at it.

oh how he wants his lips to yours, just as much as you want your lips to his.

so he went in for a kiss. it was soft, yet so passionate. he could care less about the eyes watching them. all he cares about right now is you.

feel you on my neck while i’m calling a taxi

climbing over me while i climb in the backseat

now we're taking off

now we're taking it off tonight

you pulled away slowly, and look into his eyes. “b-ben...”

“i’ll be your temporary fix.” he smiled bitterly.

you rest your head on his neck, while he calls a taxi.

him? temporary fix?

well, you guess there’s nothing wrong with him being a temporary fix. besides, it’s just temporary.

the taxi arrived, so you two climbed in the backseat. ben gave his address to the driver, and you climbed on top of him, sleepy.

“go sleep, angel.” he spoke with a soft voice, not long before you drifted to sleep.

all you need to know is

you can call me

when you're lonely

when you can't sleep

i’ll be your temporary fix

you control me, even if it's just tonight

you woke up because of ben’s alarm, so you fluttered your eyes open to see yourself in his arms, and he was shirtless.

“u-uh, ben...” you called out softly, but then you noticed his sleeping figure.

he’s so peaceful...

his eyes fluttered open and went to grab his phone, turning off the alarm.

he yawned, and smiled. “good morning love, how’s your sleep?”

“fine.” you smiled back.

there was a few seconds of silence, until he spoke up. “(y/n)... uh...”

“what?”

“i need help...” he pointed down his...‘down there’. “well, my little buddy needs help...”

his morning wood.

your eyes widened as you lay there, stunned.

uh oh.

should you really do it? after what he had done for you—let you sleep in his house, took care of you, you think he deserves it.

“l-look, if you don’t wan-“

“it’s okay!” you laughed awkwardly. “it’s okay...”

he pulled you to his lap, and kissed you hungrily. you kissed back almost immediately as his hands roamed around your body, then slipping his hand under your shirt and stopping at your bra clip.

“may i?” you nodded at his question, continuing to kiss him.

you can call me

when you feel like

i’m your good time

i’ll be your temporary fix

you can own me, and we'll call this what you like

let me be your good night

after that steamy morning, you both ate breakfast.

and honestly, he was like your boyfriend instead of james.

you knew it was wrong, of course, but you couldn’t help it.

and he really did took care of you. he let you wear his shirt and sweatpants after you took a bath and cooked food for with you.

oh, how you wished he was your boyfriend. but that’s impossible, he’s just a temporary fix. he even said it himself, so you just have to come to him whenever you’re hurt because of your real boyfriend.

he drove you back to your apartment and after that, you thanked him.

“today was fun.” you stated when he rolled down his window of his car, smiling at him.

“i’m glad. you can call me when you feel like i’m your good time.”

you nodded, waving. “i will, see you.”

he smiled back, waving. you watched the car driving away as you sighed.

you walked to the door of the flat, and opened it. you went in and heard something unusual.

and it hit you.

your boyfriend james was fucking somebody.

we can roll in the darkness

let me touch you where your heart is

and if you're feeling the weakness

well i told you baby that you can call me

i’ll be your temporary fix

you can call me

you don’t know what to do. why were you feeling relief, when you should be crying at this point?

“oh james~” the girl moaned out, and you cringed.

you sat on the sofa, waiting for the two to get out of the bedroom. after some time, james and his slut went out and got startled by you.

“(y-y/n)! i d-didn’t hear you coming in-“

“save it, james. besides, i have someone else. i’m pretty sure you don’t feel the spark anymore in our relationship, right? because i don’t.” you laughed bitterly.

“oh really, when was the last time you felt the spark with him?” the slut chuckled. “you two have been dating for 11 months... while me and james have been fucking for 9 months.”

your jaw dropped. 9 months, he’s been cheating on you?

and there you felt your heart dropping as you felt tears fill up your eyes, but you refused to show it. “so, is that true, james?”

he nodded, and you slapped him hard. “i can’t fucking believe you. sure, me and ben fucked earlier, but you and that slut? for 9 months, and i didn’t know?”

he looked down. “i’m sorry (y/n)-“

“fuck off, dickwad. i’ll get my things tomorrow. go live with that slut.” you turned around, and got out of the flat.

this is so fucked up.

you grabbed your phone and called ben. he picked it up immediately. “love, what’s wrong-“

“j-james cheated on me. for 9 months and i didn’t know! please ben...” you sobbed. “i need you.”

“that dick.” he sighed. “i’ll pick you up at the cafe. for now, you can sleep at my place. stay there, and i’ll take care of you.“

you smiled. he’s the only one who can make you smile dearly. “thank you, ben.”

“anything, (y/n).”

after he ended the call, it came to your realization that...you were in love with him.

even if you just met a month ago, you felt so much love around him.

you were in love with benjamin jones.

you can call me

when you're lonely

when you can't sleep

i’ll be your temporary fix

you control me, even if it's just tonight

ben arrived at the cafe and spotted you, drinking coffee. he smiled at himself.

oh how he wanted you. how he wanted to kiss you.

how he wanted to be with you.

he walked up to you, and waved. “how are you feeling?”

“shit.” you responded, continuing to drink your coffee. he laughed and sat beside you.

“your things are still in that flat, right?” he asked and you nodded. “i could help you with your things tomorrow, but i don’t want to. you can just use my mom’s old clothes.”

you smiled. “thanks, but why does she have her clothes at your house? if you don’t mind me asking.”

“err..” he rubbed the back of his head. “her clothes there doesn’t fit her anymore, which i think fits you. she left it at my place because she said that if i have a girlfriend, my ‘girlfriend’ can use it.”

you blushed. “so... i’m your girlfriend?”

oh shit.

“i mEAN-“

“if you want to..” ben chuckled. “i want to be more than just a temporary fix for you. the first time i saw you at the restaurant, i couldn’t help but talk to you. how can someone cheat on you, hurt you?”

and he was in love with (y/n) (l/n).

you can call me

when you feel like

i’m your good time

i’ll be your temporary fix

you can own me, and we'll call this what you like

let me be your good night

you smiled. “i feel the same way, ben.”

his eyes lit up. “really?” and he kissed you. it was gentle, as if you were going to break.

after you pulled away, you looked at him and laughed. “also, why can’t you help me tomorrow?”

“i want to spend time with you, not to deal with that dick.”

the both of you intertwined fingers, and you spoke up.

“promise me you won’t hurt me?”

“i can’t promise you that.” he sighed. “i can’t promise you that i won’t hurt you. we may fight and i might hurt your feelings.” he faced you. “but i can promise to stay with you forever.”

you hugged him. years went by, yes, he sometimes hurt your feelings when the both of you fought, but he says sorry even if you were in the wrong. he doesn’t want to lose you.

but he never broke his promise: to stay with you forever.

[rustbeltjessie]

TRUST YR STUPID FUCKING HEART (a playlist)

[This playlist and accompanying text were made for Witchsong in March 2016. But Witchsong has since gone dark, and 8tracks, where the playlist was hosted, has also gone dark. I still love this playlist/piece, so I decided to post it here in its entirety, and round up links to the songs. (I tried to remake the playlist on Spotify but unfortunately a few of these tunes aren’t available there!)]

Lizzo - En Love

M.I.A. - Fire Fire

Little Esther - I’m A Bad, Bad Girl

The Last Shadow Puppets - Bad Habits

Rilo Kiley - Portions for Foxes

Worriers - Unwritten

Colleen Green - Whatever I Want

The I Don’t Cares - Just A Phase

Thurston Moore - Psychic Hearts

The Kills - Fuck the People

Pixies - The Holiday Song

Dum Dum Girls - There Is A Light That Never Goes Out

El Vy - Need A Friend

The Cars - Dangerous Type

The Make*Up - White Belts

The Mo-Dettes - White Mice

Thee Headcoatees - Ça Plane Pour Moi

Huggy Bear - Pansy Twist

Bikini Kill - I Like Fucking

Mika Miko - Sex Jazz

Dresden Dolls - Dirty Business

Screaming Females - Triumph

(+ a bonus track that isn’t on the playlist: Jolie Holland - Springtime Can Kill You)

It is springtime, and springtime can kill you (just like it did poor me). The light is clearer and hangs on longer in the sky each day, the birds are all singing riotous songs in the treetops. A few days ago, it was seventy degrees; I drank iced coffee and resisted the urge to cut the sleeves off all my t-shirts. It is springtime, and I am so damn restless I’m about ready to tear my skin off. I can’t focus on anything. I pick up a book, read a few pages, put it down again. I start a poem, write a few lines, quit. My notebooks are full of Jenny Holzer-esque truisms that I write in all caps. YOU WILL GET SO TIRED OF WEIGHING THE POTENTIAL CONSEQUENCES. SOMETIMES YOU WILL BE READY TO SAY “FUCK IT” AND FOLLOW YR HEART. BE A DRUNKEN SLUT. STOP THINKING. IT’S SO TIRING. TRUST YR STUPID FUCKING HEART.

I just want to trust my stupid fucking heart. Or maybe I just want something that makes my stupid heart beat faster.

I am so tired of weighing the potential consequences. When I was younger, I usually leapt into things without caring what the result would be. (And now I can’t believe I didn’t put that Shivvers song on this playlist: when I was younger, when I was younger, when I was younger.) I went for what felt good, or even bad, as long as I was feeling something. As long as it made me feel alive. But there were enough adverse consequences that I began to grow afraid. I was often on the verge of eviction, because I did things like spending my rent money on road trips. I hurt people. I disappointed people. Friends and family started telling me that I was wasting my life.

…some might say that you and I have wasted our lives so far. Yes, we have had our hearts broken more than most. (We’ve broken some hearts, too.) We’ve had brushes with the law; and we’ve dealt with pregnancy scares and unemployment and spent many mornings too hungover to even move. But we have also experienced so much poetry, seen so much beauty, received so much love. We have had more fun in our short lives than most people ever get to have; so how could we ever consider it a waste?

-from something I wrote in 2006

Maybe I still want to waste my life, if wasting my life is what it takes to feel alive. To paraphrase Dazed & Confused, a movie I watched over and over when I felt those first reckless, restless stirrings in my teenage body: I need some good old, worthwhile, visceral experience. I want to go out into the wild, twisting night, want to take drugs, get laid, maybe get in a fight. Except I don’t do drugs anymore and I don’t get in fights anymore and no, I won’t spend all my rent money on a road trip. There are certain things I’m not willing to risk, and that’s for the best. But I am tired of worrying about what other people think; tired of not doing what I want to do because it might hurt or disappoint someone in my life. I don’t want to hurt anyone, of course not, but it’s my life and it’s springtime and my heart is saying go. I want to fuck. I want to dance. I want to smash it up. I want sudden intense connections with interesting strangers. I want to take long drives in search of coffee and trouble. (Remembering that spring so long ago when I drove the seven hours from Chicago to St. Louis just to get coffee at a Waffle House.) I want to rip my tights, walk along the train tracks, get my boots all covered in good mud. I want, I want, I want. No, I don’t want to hurt anyone, but I am tired of not being myself. And I’m bad news, baby, I’m bad news.

I’m just a traveling girl with a wild mane of wavy red hair, holes in my tights, all my clothes smelling of smoke. I can roll a cigarette while driving down the freeway at eighty miles an hour. I can get drunk as shit and get two hours of sleep and drive from one town to another, then do it all again the next night. I can find my way anywhere. I can get lost anywhere.

-from something I wrote in 2007

I dye my hair red again every spring. No matter what other colors I might dye it the rest of the year, in spring I metamorphose back into a redhead. I was born with red hair but it faded to a drab brown when I hit puberty, some shitty twist of fate, so I became a bottle redhead. Red hair is fiery, brazen, witchy. (Redheads used to be burnt at the stake as witches, because it was believed they had magic powers.) Red is the color of anger and lust, love and rage. The color of blood and lipstick and my stupid, wildly beating heart. Girls like me are meant to have red hair.

It’s springtime, and I’m a wild redheaded girl for life. So take me out tonight. Take me anywhere, I don’t care, I don’t care. Take me to where the rough edges of the night meet the back alleys. Take me to the rooftops and fire escapes of your town. Take me to all-nite diners, where we can get coffee-buzzed and plot to take over the world. Let’s walk around. Let’s drive too fast on backroads. I don’t need your love, I just need a friend.

I still want all the same old dumb shit I’ve always wanted. Spontaneous adventures, crushes, mix tapes. Music I can feel in my guts, in my bones, whether it’s hip-hop or the punk rocks. Sneaky eyes and sleeveless t-shirts. Sex and danger. In the immortal words of Henry Rollins: I want to fuck on the floor and break shit. Yeah, I like fucking. I’m always restless, and next to wandering, sex is one of the few things that eases my restlessness. And I believe in the radical possibilities of pleasure, babe. I do, I do, I do.

I’ve lost some friends because I’ve failed to grow up properly. These friends used to be just like me (you fuckers used to be just like me), but they went straight. I don’t mean straight as in heterosexual, I mean straight as in normal. They became capital-G Grown Ups. They got advanced degrees and nine-to-fives and stopped making zines and got their tattoos removed. I’m an adult, too. I have a kid, and a writing career; I pay my bills instead of going on ill-advised road trips, I don’t go on benders or do drugs anymore. But I also haven’t given up crushes or adventure or art or punk; I’m still making zines and giving myself stick ’n’ poke tattoos. I’ve still got that steel-toed spark and that teenage j.d. twitch. Maybe they’re bitter because they thought growing up meant giving all that up.

We can have all of it! We can be mamas and healers and have love and morals and sweetness and good things in our lives, but we don’t have to give up the rest—we can also be wild punk rock goddesses of destruction and fuck and fight and drink and smoke and swear and make mad art, goddamnit!

-from something I wrote in 2013

I should’ve known something was up the last time I saw M.—before she decided she hated me, when I still thought we’d be friends for life—when she said: “I’m over Amanda Palmer. It’s not cute to tell young girls that it’s okay to be fucked-up.” That stunned me, because she was once a fucked-up girl, just like me. She and I used to listen to Dresden Dolls albums and talk about how eerily close to our own lives they were, how it was like AFP had looked into our souls and made songs out of them. But maybe that’s the other thing. It’s not just that M. and the others gave up their former passions. They also regret that they ever lived that way. They regret the days of chronic unemployment and ill-advised road trips, the crazy-mad love affairs, the all-nite diner marathons, the epic meals we made from what we found in dumpsters. And I don’t. No matter how I’ve changed, or how many of those things I don’t want anymore, I could never ever regret those days. They made me who I am, and they gave me so many stories to tell. To all the ones who thought they knew me best, a test to prove your prowess. Who was mine in ’99? I want last names, and current status.

No, I don’t want to wind up on the verge of eviction, or have my electricity shut off. I don’t want to hurt anyone. But it is springtime, and I am so tired of weighing the potential consequences. And I’m just a redheaded restless punk rock goddess of destruction for life, and I still want all that shit that makes my stupid, reckless heart beat faster. Loud music, caffeine, adventure, sex. If you’re like me, you’re feeling the same way. So:

WHO CARES WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK. STOP THINKING. IT’S SO TIRING. TRUST YR STUPID FUCKING HEART.

Get out, get out of your house.

[burnedbyshoto]

if you sent any asks (recommendations for things don’t count as I have to look around!) since october 17 until october 22 it is in here :)

anon said: The header for your askbox response post is *aesthetic*. I think it’s a really good idea to post one every few days if you have the time. ❤️

well, thANK YOUUUUU!!!!! I put in a whopping 10 minutes into it because I had no idea what I was doing! i’ll definitely be doing asks this way now though.

big dick kiri anon said: !!!!!! ILY HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY PLS HYDRATE 💙💙❤️❤️ -bigdickkiri

Omg love! Please don’t worry about kinktober just breathe! Take your time and try to relax 💙❤️- bigdickkiri

DAMN, that is a LOT. Please look after yourself and don't stress about it love!! - bigdickkiri

I'm very excited. BUT PLEASE LOOK AFTER YOURSELF, DO NOT FORCE ANY OF THIS OMG - bigdickkiri

AHH, AMAZING, TALENTED SWEETHEART, GORGEOUS LOVE, HAVE A INCREDIBLE DAY AND HYDRATE - bigdickkiri

I believe I did have a good day, and I am actually super bad at hydrating, buT ILL TRY TO GET BETTER!!!!

I am breathing!!!! JUSTTT BREATHEEEE!!! I am taking my time now and relaxing to the best of my ability :D thank you so much bdk I love you with all my soul

theres always a lot, but if im not doing a lot I dont do anything so on one hand.... it’s okay LMAO but I will continue to try and not stress :D

BDK I WOULD NEVER WANT TO MAKE YOU THINK IM FORCING THIS OUT OF MEEEE ILL TRY MY BEST TO MAKE YOU PROUD

GHSOGHJIAORGJRGIRAHG YOURE AMAZING, BEAUTIFUL, TERRIFIC, INCREDIBLE!!!!!!! YOU HYDRATE AND MAKE SURE YOU KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU

@bread-theduck​ said: We love you and support you ❤ dont push yourself, your mental health is so much more important that kinktober haha. Take all the time you need, we're right here and open if you wanna talk~

I don’t really try to push myself... it just happens subconsciously D: but thank you for the love and support!!!! my mental health is stronger than I give it credit though

anon said: listen! we all appreciate you and your writing dearly but! I think we can all agree that we want you to be okay mentally and physically before you make yourself write! kinktober can wait! you’re more important!! at the very least, pls take a break for tonight.

I honestly can’t even remember when i said I was tired, but thank you for your kind words regardless!!!! I am trying to get better at it because i don’t want to disappoint you guys D:

@saintbullet​ said: Please take care of yourself!!! DONT risk your health for writing. We care about you so much! Be careful 💕💕💕

I know I push myself a lot, and i’m really sorry for scaring you all!!!! I am trying though, and it just has a lot to do with my mental fatigue and that im judging some hard classes right now then it has to do with anything

anon said: hey it'll be alright! idk whats wrong but i promise everything will work out like its supposed to! you just take care of yourself and take as much time as you need to feel better!! we love u!! ♥️

It wAS MY PERIOD I REMEMBER NOW AHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! I LOVE YOU TOOOOOOOO WITH ALL THE LOVE MY HEART POSSES!!!!!!

anon said: periods can be a pain so pls take care of yourself!! drink lots of water and rest up!!!

my period is the worst, if she was a person i’d block her and avoid her irl!!!!!!!!

anon said: Lol ok so gay for Mina anon back and no, I was not the anon who requested it. But lmao, let me take this time to whole heartedly thank that anon for quenching my thirst anyways

oh whoops, sorry for thinking you were someone else D: iM GLAD TO SEE THAT YOU WERE HAPPY WITH IT!!! READER WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A BAD GUY BUT I COULDN’T FIGURE OUT HOW TO MAKE IT WORK LMAO

anon said: I am just planning on hanging out and reading all the lovely writing that comes from this

i’m pretty sure this is about my nsfw/sfw headcanons, and honestly im sooo very excited to start working on them!!!!!!!!

anon said: you have no idea how happy I got when I saw u posted for mina like UGH MY WIFE I LOVE HER SO MUCH 🥺🥺🥺 N GIVING US GAYS AMAZING CONTENT UR AMAZING MWAH MWAH KEEP BEING THE PERFECT ANGEL U ARE 🥺🥺💞💗💖💕💓💝

AHHHHH IM SO GLAD YOU LIKED IT MINA IS LIKE MY FAV CLASS 1-A GIRL SO I LOVE HER SO MUCHHHHHHHHHHH YOURE AMAZING AND I LOVE YOU AND YOURE AN ANGEL!!!!!!!

many a anons said: Sorry I didn’t see the part where you said not to request characters that were already on the list I thought that was the list of character we could vote for.

so sorry I accidentally sent a character in that has already been requested, Tumblr didn't show me the follow up posts ;;

nooo I didn’t see the list I’m so sorry 😭😭😭

LOL ITS OKAYYYY. y’all were hoes and kept sending me shouto who I couldn’t even think about deleting from my list... so... you are lucky >:(

anon said: hello! not a request here but take care of yourself anc stay hydrated bb 🥰🥰

I got my water right next to me rn bby :D

anon said: be todoroki’s girlfriend

bitch I am todorokis WIFE, why would I need to dress up???

@girl-with-a-mentality​ said: You can be todoroni for Halloween.

....you right...

anon said: Thirst post infoo ;3 I found a doujinshi of Bakugo being teased and toyed with sexually with by Ochako, Yaomomo, and our lovely momma Mina

...send it

anon said: GIRLLLLLL

ANONNNNNNNNNNNNN ;)

local dumbass anon said: local dumbass is here once again, i thiink you know who i am and might've found my ig buuuuuut..?

uh.... I don’t know???????? I only followed people on insta if you gave me your handle or followed me first.... also did you cut your bangs?

anon said: Your Monoma scenario was really good!If we’re being honest, though, Monoma would literally start foaming at the mouth if he saw anyone from 1-A making physical contact with his s/o, ESPECIALLY Bakugou. They would have to call animal control because there would be a rabid Monoma in the dorms lol

okay... while you’re not wrong, I just thought 18 year old monoma should have grown up just the tiniest bit! plus his obsession is controlled because of his insecurity so LMAO IDK I JUST THOUGHT MAYBE UGH

@awkward-theaterkid​ said: I was reading your Day 19 Fic but I couldnt take it seriously, the title "My Way" kept reminding me of the Backstreet Boys "I want it that way" and it keeps popping up while I read it 😂

as someone who only heard that song because of b99 I read this and immediately thought of b99 LMAOOOOO

🍒💥anon said: URGENT PSA: LYSSA IS ABSOLUTELY AMAZING AND I LOVE HER -🍒💥

Hello Queen Lyssa, I finally read "And They Were Roommates" and have absolutely no idea why I put it off so long! ITS A MASTERPIECE. Each chapter is addictive and the slow burn and angst destroyed me 😭 The smut in the final chapter is flawless and sooooooooooooooooooo H O T. Shoto wasnt even my favorite character but he might have to be now (or at least in my top 3) 😰 This is my new favorite series and I cant wait to re-read it!!!! YOURE AMAZING AND ILY. You own my soul now -🍒💥

URGENT PSA I LOVE YOU CHERRY EXPLOSION AND YOURE AMAZING :D

ATWR holds a special place in my heart uwu.... HAOGHIOSRGSIOGJSIHG THANK YOU!!!!! SHOUTO IS AN AMAZING CHARACTER WHO I LOVE WITH ALL MY HEARRTTTTTT

~ thank you to @didyoumeanme​, @kittenlordofdarkness​, @soafers​ for submitting memes and animal pics for my rommate, much appreciated :D ~

anon said: Did the local dumbass anon ever cut their bangs? Do you know?

....I dont know, but I just asked her rn >:)

this paragraph is dedicated to those surrounding to the meltdown mess that occurred yesterday. to each and every one of you who sent me kind words via my askbox or directly contacting me, thank you. I really want to move past this because I feel by holding on it will make me feel less inclined to write because of my guilt. of course, I do not expect you to forgive me, or trust me in my story of how it went down, because at the end of the day it was my mistake for trusting in someone to write with pure intentions when I didn’t know if she could. im trying to continue on with my best foot forward and im grateful for those of you who trusted in me. I swear I will never push myself again, and that I will instead take my time in order to publish my original work and only my original work and not take anything that comes from a “friend”. know that I love you all, and I dont know how to take it easy so my break lasted a whooping 10 hours, and my blog won’t discontinue until im done with bnha or...I get into medschool which is still 3 years away, I am taking care of myself, im staying hydrated, im trying not to put myself down anymore, I will keep going, & will forever continue to be more careful with what I post. also, no one was really coming for me, so don’t worry if you thought so lol. (to you 9 anons who expressed their kind thoughts to me, thank you. to big dick kiri anon thank you. to @bqkubabey​, @flayvus​, & @ultimate-shit-poster​ thank you so so much you really helped me not drown myself in my own guilt.)

anon said: i hope you’re feeling okay today :((

I am feeling a lot better. unfortuantely I did make myself really sick yesterday because ive never been as stressed in my life ever, but im okay now. there’s nothing I can do more for what happened so I will try to continue on as best as I can and I appreciate you caring... ilysm :)

@ikinabi​ said: Your writing??? Actually god sent 🥵👌 and the way you write Mirio gets me GOING

BAHAHAH NOOOOO ITS NOT PLAFUAOGHJIPRAHAR MY MIRIO PIECE YOU LIKED WAS MY FIRST PIECE ON HIM AND OOO BOY I DID NOT DO HIM JUSTICE

anon said: fuck buddy iida is a thought that has never crossed my mind but now that i’ve seen your post i am intrigued haha

well... it is up :) if you wanna check her out :)

anon said: You dont have to answer if you dont wanna but i just wanna see if your okay. I hope your end your doing well and not stressing.

i’m doing much better than I was yesterday!!! I just needed to rest and calm down and stop attacking myself. thank you for checking in!!! it means so much :,)

[reeree1500]

The Return- Part 10

Disclaimer: YALL IM SO SO SO SORRY.😭😭 I have been horrible and not updated this story for at least a month.😬 I can explain though... University has been kicking my ass and between that and my co-op placement at a law firm.😅 Ive had absolutely no time to do anything😩 BTW IVE MISSED YALL SO MUCH❤️And Ive read all your messages and asks. And yes my mental health is now better and y'all are so understanding and supportive 💕 honestly could not have asked for a better group of individuals☺️❤️

Part 1 part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 part 8 part 9 Part 11 

Anyways onto the storyyyyy.....

Warnings: ANGSTY AF (kinda figured out that im probably a smut and angst writer at this point🤷🏽‍♀️), sucky ass grammar and spelling like always, my cliche imagination and the fact that Im probably a horrible human being😬😩 Also made it extra long cuz I felt baddd 

PLEASE DONT KILL ME FOR THIS ONE😬

Taglist: @yanii-the-hippie @oceans-daughter-3 @peaceisadirtyword @laketaj24 @camatsuru @youbloodymadgenius @calum-hoodwinked-me @cutegyrl927 @wuxiesalt @readsalot73 @cindy-exo @affection-rabbit @amy8220 @mel0nch0ly @queenofallthyfandoms @limbo-limbo-limbo @ragnarssonsbitch @supernaturalvikingwhore @ifihadwings128 @paintballkid711 @jenny-the-lover @funmadnessandbadassvikings @blonddnamedhandz @hallowed-heathen @pinkrockstar19 @ivarthethiccness

Sorry if I missed any of you💕 Lemme know if you want to be tagged. Also requests are open, and I’ve got a ton of them to do and finish. Hopefully Ill be able to post them soon enough

Arthur’s POV

“Arthur please! Open the door my love, I know what it may seem like to you, but I assure you that its not.” (Y/n) pleaded from the other side. I sat down on the mattress in our chamber contemplating whether or not it was true. Should I believe what my wife so desperately is trying to reassure me off. Or should I stick with my gut feeling and tell her how I have felt for the last 4 years. Her constant pounding on the door finally gets to me and I make my way to open it. “I wish to be left alone at the moment (y/n).” Her arms circle around my waist and I can feel her face wetting by back with tears. “Arthur please, talk to me. Why have you run off. You know that I love you. I do not want him, all he does is bring me pain and you take that away. So please, talk to me!” (y/n) murmurs into my back. As much as it pains me to do so I pry her hands off of me and sit us down on the bed. All I do is long for her touch, but this is not okay. I cannot keep feeling this way and go on pretending that I could have ever stood a chance against him. “(y/n), look at me. I love you and I always will. But its evident that you love him. and I honestly can say that I know I will never stand a chance against him, because the thought of you possibly running back to him has always been on my mind since the day we got married.” 

Her eyes showed so much pain that confessing this felt as if I was driving a knife through her heart. “Arthur, I love you. What can I do to show you that. Yes I confess that I was in love with him, but that was long ago and I have left it in the past in order to build a future with you. Whom I love and who I share and will continue to share beautiful children with. So please don't shut me out, Arthur.” She says leaning our foreheads together and holding my face in her gentle hands. “Ok, however I want to be able to process things by myself. So I have decided to have the guest room across the hall prepared only until I figure things out.” With out giving her a chance to fight back, I place my lips on hers and savour the kiss as if it were our last. Meeting her eyes was something I wanted to avoid as I knew that just looking at her broken expression would make me change my mind. I hastily make my way out of the room, but sneak a quick glance over my shoulder to find my wife staring off into the direction where I once sat. With tears streaming down her eyes...

Your POV

What had I done? Why was I such fool to not see what my husband was clearly going through? Millions of questions rushed into my mind about how to go about this situation. I loved Arthur, I was clear on that. But he spoke the truth, there was something in me that could not let Ivar go and it took hurting my husband and Ivar to figure that out. As I sulked I forgot about the doctor whom I had asked to see me earlier. I was having really bad stomach pains and my breasts were more tender then they had ever been. So I wanted to make sure that I was not sick, as that would have been the last thing I needed on my plate at the moment. “My Queen, are you alright? Do you wish to push back this appointment, I dont mind coming by later when you're better.” The doctor spoke from behind me. “Yes, it seems so. Ill let the servant girl know if I need you doctor. Im sorry for the inconvenience.” “Nonsense your majesty, it is my pleasure to serve you.” With a bow the doctor retreats from the room and Im left to my own thoughts once again...

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“(y/n), wake up... its seems that you fell asleep on the floor. Come on I’ll help you up.” Upon hearing Hvitty’s comforting voice my eyes flutter open and I cant help the tears that song come down my face like a cascade. “(y/n)! are you alright are you hurt anywhere? Why are you crying?” Hvitserk’s eyes scan my face and my body looking for the source of my pain, which is held in my heart, but he’ll never know that. “Arthur... He...” I try to find the words to say. “What! What did he do! Did he hurt you? I swear ill kill him!” With that Hvitserk tries to let me go and run out the door, but somehow I manage to stop him. “Hvitserk, No! He didn't hurt me. I hurt him... He believes that Im in love with Ivar, and I fear that their maybe some truth to it...” I say just above a whisper, with my head held low. “(Y/N), Ive known that since before you were married. It was obvious, but I would never say anything to you because I found that it was best if I kept such observations to myself, before I found out about your father.” Lifting my head and staring directly at him, I move my head to the side with a puzzling look. “What do you mean about my father, Hvitserk?” Hvitserk now mirrors the same lost look that I have on my face. “I thought thats why you and Ivar had gotten together, because Ragnar’s not your father...”

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Ivar’s POV

“Aghhhh!”Is the sound that comes out of my gritted teeth when the medicinal herbs are placed on my face. “That hurts like a bitch, get out! Ill do this myself if I have to. GO!” I yell at the servant girl who tried to cleanse and tend to the cuts on my face. “Ivar,  please let the servants tend to you. I still cannot believe that Arthur punched you in the face. Hehehe, you deserved it though, how could you question the paternity of his children and not expect him to want to kill you?” Bjorn laughs as he chugs the rest of his drink down. “Well, if you actually cared about your children and the heir to your throne, you’d also be quite upset to find a Christian King claiming to be their father. Those children are mine! And its pretty evident, just look at Marjorie. She's my spitting image.” I snarl at him as the anger begins to rise in me again. “Ivar, thats your mistake and why you’ll never get (y/n) back. You believe that everything should be yours. And that people are things you can govern over, but they're not. Because those are children. And yes they may be yours, but you cannot take away what they have known because you want to be selfish.” He says with a stern look on his face, whilst getting up from his chair and making his way to the door. “Now get ready and fix yourself we have a intimate dinner to attend to with MY sister and the love of your life.” Unbeknownst to us, there was Freydis on the balcony listening to our whole conversation. And little did I know that it would come to be the thing I regretted the most.

At the dinner I notice (y/n) sit on the opposite side of the table from Arthur. This wouldn't have affected me if it wasn't for the look on both of their faces. They seemed distraught and broken. Arthur masked it well, but (y/n) was an open book for all of us to know exactly how she felt at that moment. Not much talking happened, besides Marjorie and Erik shouting at each other on who was better at riding. They reminded me a lot of myself and all I wanted was to tell them the truth, that they were my children and that they would go back to Kattegat with me to learn about the true gods and not the fable that had been told to them about their so called ‘God’.” “(Y/n) are you alright, you do not seem quite like yourself tonight.” Bjorn states with a concerned look that we all share. Even Arthur looks a bit concerned, but his body language makes it seem as if he is alright and nothing is wrong. “Sarah, could you please put Marjorie and Erik to bed? Its getting late for them and they have their lessons early in the morning.” She says with a stern and cold look in her (e/c) eyes. “Su...sure your majesty. “ At that Bjorn stands up as if to accompany Sarah, but is quickly stopped by (y/n)’s icy glare and venomous words. “Sit your ass down.” At that we all look astonished, but Hvitserk only stares at her with sadness and what seems to be sympathy. He must know why she is like this then. 

Bjorn slowly sits back down on the table. A shocked look graces his face, as he cannot comprehend why she is acting this way towards her beloved older brother. “How long.” Is all she grits out through her teeth. “What do you mean, (y/n)?” My eyes meet Hvitserk’s own and the realization dawns upon me. She knows...

--------------------------

Your POV

“Stop with the bullshit! I cannot take anyone else lying to me!” I scream as I bang my hands against the table, stunning everyone in sight. “How long did you know that Ragnar was not my father! How long have you kept the truth from me! How long have you known that Athelstan was my father!” I could careless about everyone staring at me as if I was a mad woman. I had been lied to my whole life. All I had known had been a lie, and the people who I trusted the most in this world had been the ones keeping it a secret from me. “(Y/N)... I..I’ve know since the moment you were born. But father had sworn me into secrecy and I could not break a promise. This doesn't change anything though. You are still my sister and you will always be.” Bjorn says in a haste as tries to come closer to me, but I step back and move as far back as I can. “Did you know? Tell me! Ivar did you know that we were not siblings!” Ivar didn't even have to answer. I knew from the look in his eyes that he too had been lying to me. 

“I knew.” Arthur says staring right at me. “I knew that you weren't his daughter and I knew that Ivar wasn't your brother. But I kept that information from you because all I wanted to do was have you by my side. I’m sorry, for the pain I have caused you (y/n). Im sorry for being selfish and not telling you the truth, but I now see that I was wrong and as of tomorrow you are free to go back to your country. I promise that your title and lands will not be taken from you or from the children. May they be mine or his. But I cannot go on with this facade anymore.” Arthur says in the most calm demeanour as he stands up and comes to me. “You hypocrite! How dare you make me feel like shit for harbouring feelings for Ivar when you knew all along and knew that my whole life was a lie.” I scream as I run at him and slap him across the face. But before I can get another punch in I feel a strong grip holding me from behind. From the shocks and the utter feeling in my stomach I knew it could have only been Ivar. As I try desperately to release from his vice grip, my whole world comes crashing down when Sarah enters the room. With blood all over her.

“Your highnesses...Erik.... he.. he..” She tries to say through her shock. “What! What is wrong with my son!” Ivar, Arthur and I scream at the same time. “He.. he’s dying!”

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We all simultaneously run after Sarah towards the doctors quarters. Ivar with his brace on, manages to run faster than all of us and busts the doors wide open. if I wasn't so worried about my son or upset about the fact they all knew Ragnar wasn't my father, I would've been impressed. “What are you doing! Get away from my son!” At that Ivar rushes towards the doctor who is bleeding Erik out. Grabbing him by the collar he slams the doctor on the wall and his sclera go into bluish hue, showing that he is in danger of breaking a bone. “Ivar stop it! Let the man go, he is just trying to help.” “Help my ass! I will not let you harm my son, do you understand me! I will not let you harm him!” At that Ivar lets the doctor go, but not without staring him down. And the doctor looking like he is about to shit himself. Rushing to Erik’s side I notice something strange. The colour of his skin is now fading and his eyes have bags under them. But what hits me the most is the memory of Uncle Rollo teaching me about poison. “He doesn't need to be bled, he needs medicine. He’s been poisoned...” 

“Mama! What is wrong with Erik! He will be okay right? He has to be okay!” Marjorie begins to say as she shakes with fear. Before Arthur or I could say something to console her, Ivar bends down and takes her hands in his. “Marjorie, listen to me. Your brother is a fighter and so are you. After all were related aren't we?” Ivar says as he lifts her chin. “Yes..I suppose that we are. Is it true what they say though? Are you our father?” At that Ivar turns to me looking towards me for permission. At this point I think to myself how hard it was to learn my whole life had been a lie and that I would not want that for my children, so I nod. “Yes, Marjorie I am your father. And no your mother is not my sister. It was something that we had to say because she needed to be kept safe.” He says ever so calmly. “Safe from who?”She questions “From my mother. Your grandmother.”

Cough*Cough* Spurts of blood cover me in seconds. My attention becomes focused in on my son again. “Where is the damn antidote! Please someone hurry!” At that Hvitserk runs into the room with a small green vial. “Here take this it should help him. Lagertha gave it to me before her and father left. Something about it would come in handy some day. Here.” Shoving the vial in my hands I open it quickly and lift Erik’s head. “Drink this Erik. It should help you, my darling. Please be strong, I know you're scared, but you’ll be alright ok. Everything will be ok.” I say through tears. Today had been the worst day by far. “Mira... please help my son. I know you're always with me, but please help me now. Pray for my son and ask God to save him.”

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A few hours had gone by and nobody had moved from the room. Arthur sat on the chair next to the bed with his elbows on his knees, looking straight and focused in on Erik. Bjorn and Hvitserk sat by the fireplace and were wetting some towels so that we could place them atop Eriks head. I sat on the bed next to my son and caressed his beautiful face hoping for a miracle. I had dismissed Sarah and told her to take Marjorie with her, but she would not budge. Sarah left, but Marjorie stayed and sat in Ivars lap asking him if Erik would pull through. Ivar was sweet to answer as best as he could, and I could tell that he truly cared for his children even if his demeanour wasn't the greatest. I knew that deep in my heart I would have to let him get to know them, but it still hurt especially knowing that he now was married. “Wait, where is Freydis? I haven't seen her since yesterday.” I say looking towards Ivar. “I dont know earthier to be honest, she's probably looking at some damn flowers anyway. Its best if she's far away anyway.” “Why would you say that about your wi-” “she's not my wife, at least not yet. Were not actually married, (y/n). I just said that to piss you off.” Taking a deep breath I go to stand up from the bed in order to fetch a bucket of water and some new cloths. Instead I end up on the floor cradling my belly, with a burning sensation in my chest and blood pouring out from my mouth. “(Y/n)! Mama!” I can hear the shouts around me. “Fetch the doctor! Now hurry!” The voices around me begin to fade and not before long I can feel myself drifting away.

“My baby... Save my baby...” And with that everything turns pitch black...