#last night and I'm probably being way too critical but I'm also like 'this is too self-indulgent. no one would even want to read this.' lma

[musicrunsthroughmysoul]

I feel accomplished because this week while I was at work during my free period, I wrote apparently about three pages worth of dialogue that I'd left in my WIP as "[insert more dialogue here later]" and I was able to tie it in to the rest of it (as in, what I'd already written after the "[insert more dialogue here"]), and while there are still places in my WIP where I was like "[add something else specific here?]" it means I'm done with that first...whatever it is, of my current WIP. (I still haven't decided if I'm writing just, like, individual parts of this WIP, or if they're chapters, or what. Most of them are super fucking long so I have NO IDEA what to call them. To call them chapters doesn't seem accurate given how long they are, so...parts?! I GUESS?! I'm not writing a novel, but I've also never written a novel before anyway and it shows.)

[captn-trex]

let me take care of you

Rex x F!Reader

word count: 5.7k

description: you have been suffering from depression for a few months and have shut yourself off from the world. a few weeks after getting laid off from your job, you get an unexpected knock at the door.

warnings: i'm gonna say this is 16+ just to be safe, heavily implied sex, depiction of depression, suicidal ideation, hurt/comfort, friends to lovers, mutual pining - let me know what I've missed !

a/n: okay so this is sooooo self-indulgent it's actually embarassing. I wrote the first bit of this when I was truly going through it and... yeah, it's just Rex taking care of the reader hehe, with a bit of suggestive stuff but not proper smut. if that's your kinda thing, I hope you enjoy! (also this is the first oneshot that I've actually posted so gimme constructive criticism pls !!)

Everything felt foggy.

For the past months, your life had felt like you were just going through the motions. Wake up, go to work, come home, struggle to sleep, and repeat. You didn't enjoy the things you used to anymore. It had been too long since you had taken a walk in the park, since you had sketched or written, and it hurt that you couldn't seem to even try and do them. Like there was an invisible force stopping you, and yet, there wasn't. It was just your own mind, lacking in whatever hormone would make you happy.

You couldn't find it in yourself to take care of yourself properly, and ever since being laid off from your job a few weeks ago, you had gone into the worst of it. You weren't eating properly, you couldn't sleep, sometimes staying up all night even though you would lay in your bed and just pray for it to be different. You hadn't seen your friends in months, though they would try and check in on you. You always told them you were busy, but you knew they knew what was going on. You had been like this before, though this time it was worse.

You shut yourself off from the world.

You hadn't been out of your apartment at all in days when you heard the knock. You made your way to your front door, and your breath hitched when you peered through the little hole and saw who was behind it.

Rex.

The clone stood in the hallway, his helmet at his hip, looking down the hall, and handsome as ever. There was no way you were letting him in while you were in this state. You hadn't brushed your hair in maker knows how long, you hadn't showered in… maybe a week? and the last time you had brushed your teeth was probably 2 days ago. Your personal hygiene was sorely lacking.

You watched the Captain through the door, your breath fogging up the glass, and jumped back when the knocking of the door reverberated around your small apartment.

What is he doing here?

You hadn't seen Rex since you lost your job, though he was among the few people who checked in with you regularly, trying to ask about how you were or convince you to come out of the house. Your stomach churned at the idea of people fussing about you, and now one of them was standing outside your door. A particular one of them that, in any given other state, you would be dying to see.

Your deep attraction and affection for Rex only made this situation more uncomfortable for you, the thought of answering the door making you feel physically sick.

You then heard your name called from behind the door in a deep, questioning voice, and your knees went weak.

“Are you in there?” He asked, followed by another knock.

You wanted to reply, to say anything, but you couldn't find your voice. What would I say? You elected to just go back to your bed, let him leave on his own, and pretend he was never here.

You scooted backwards but caught your hip on a table, sending a pile of your precious books hurtling to the floor. You held your breath, hoping Rex had not heard the noise, but it was no use.

Rex called your name again, and this time, it was gentler, “…Please let me in”

Your eyes watered as you walked up to the door, your finger hovering over the button that would cause it to slide open.

“I'm fine Rex, you can go” You tried to sound as resolute as you could, but the quiver in your voice was obvious.

“Cyare… let me in. I'm not leaving”

The nickname hit you hard, and you truly felt like clutching your chest as it pulled at the part of you that desired the clone on the other side of the door like no other.

You had met Rex years ago, at the job you had recently been let go from, working as a civilian medic on Coruscant.

The Captain could rarely be convinced by his brothers to take himself to the medbay, much more of the suffer in silence type. However, once you had begun working there, he had started making trips there for every little bump and scratch, and sometimes even when he was in perfect health, he would go claiming a cold or headache. He had always had a soft spot for you, and though he'd never admit it, he made it obvious. Everyone around him knew, everyone around you knew, but for whatever reason, you hadn't cottoned on at all.

He found you exceedingly beautiful, obviously intelligent, and just the most wonderful and bright spark of a person he'd ever met. Though, that was far from what you were feeling like at the moment.

You had also been enamoured by the Captain from the very start. The moment he walked into the medbay and made eye contact with you, you were done for. Whether it was his loyalty to his men, his commanding presence, or his wonderful smile that did it, you didn't know, but you were kriffed from the beginning.

“I can't let you in” You said, leaning your forehead into the door.

“Why not?” He said in a hushed tone that you could barely hear.

“I- I'm just not feeling well okay?” You choked out, vastly minimising the issue.

“I dont mind Cyare, just let me in. Please” He begged, but you just shook your head, squeezing your eyes shut.

You and Rex had grown into good friends quite naturally. In his needless visits to the med bay, he would often stay after hours and help you clean up, and you would fall into conversation about anything and everything. You shared many opinions about a variety of topics and would talk about your respective favourite things. Rex found that he learned a great deal about the wider galaxy from you, and he could hear you talk about art for hours upon end.

You were a fantastic artist, absolutely brilliant in any media, but Rex loved your sketches the most. You had brought him to your apartment once after work, when he had practically begged to see your work. He liked the simplicity of it, creating life with just a few stokes of a pencil. Your drawings held such character, such joy, such sorrow, and Rex thought that they were always so uniquely you. For that, he loved them.

“Rex I-” You didn't know what to say. You sank to your knees on the floor, letting your tears silently fall down your cheeks.

“Please…” He said one more time, and you finally broke.

You reached up and pressed the button, and the door zipped open to reveal your defeated posture to him. You dared not look up at him. You didn't want him to see you like this at all, but the thought of looking him in the eye when you knew how dishevelled, how weak you looked, you couldn't stomach it.

“Oh Cyare” He said softly and closed the door behind him, sinking to his knees in front of you. He tentatively placed a hand on your knee and began rubbing his thumb back and forth. “What's happened? You haven't been in the medbay for weeks”

“I was laid off” You replied quietly.

“What? Why would they do that?” He asked, genuinely confused. You were a talented medic. He could see no reason for it.

“Money is tight. We are at war after all” You chuckled a little bit, knowing that much was obvious to Rex.

“What are you upset about? I'm sure there's somewhere else that would take you, you're a great medic” He asked so innocently that you could almost laugh.

“It's not about that…” You sighed, running a hand over your face, still looking down.

“What is it about?” Rex said softly, shuffling forwards so his armoured knees touched your bare ones.

“I just… I can't do it anymore Rex” You whispered, the first time you had freely admitted it to anyone before.

Rex tensed up. He brought his other hand up and gently grabbed your chin, tilting your head to look at you properly. The look in your eyes already told him the answer to the question he was about to ask, “Can't do what?”

“It. Life. Anything. I just want to disappear” You said, choking on your tears and overwhelmed by the thoughts that weighed you down. Rex's amber irises burned into yours with such an intensity, but not for long, as his arms made their way around your body, and he pulled you into his lap.

You cried into his chest, with him stroking your hair and holding you close to him with the other arm, scared that you would somehow get your wish and disappear in his arms.

He was at a loss for words. He couldn't understand how someone he thought was so wonderful and incredible could be harbouring such hateful feelings about themself. He feared saying anything that would upset you, and the last thing he wished to do was deny how you were feeling by telling you that you were wrong, so he just held you in his arms, silently letting you know he was there for you, no matter what. The sound of your crying was making his heart break, but he stayed like that until it died down.

“How long have you been feeling like this?” He asked tentatively, drawing back and holding your jaw so he could see your face.

“I dont know… four or five months, maybe?” You replied, and it felt like he had been stabbed in the chest.

How had he not noticed anything was wrong? He felt like he had failed you, that your friendship was for nought if he couldn't even tell when you were upset. He didn't place any of the blame on you, but he had to ask…

“Why didn't you tell me?”

You sighed, “I didn't want to concern you with it. It's for me to deal with”

“What? It's not just for you to deal with, of course I'd want to know if you're not okay. I'm so sorry I didn't notice” He said, his tone so heavy with guilt.

“It's okay, it makes sense that you didn't”

Rex almost took offence to the comment, but the small smile on your lips didn't evade him, “Why does it make sense?”

“Uh, I guess I was always happy around you” You admit, “You- Uh we’re good friends, you know? I like spending time with you”

Despite the comment about being friends, Rex's heart soared, “I like spending time with you too Cyare”

“Why are you calling me that all of a sudden?” You asked. You knew what it meant, you'd spent enough time among the clones, and it was impossible to escape when you overheard their unabashed flirting on your few trips to 79s.

“Um” Rex gulped, not feeling like right now was the best time to admit that he was wildly in love with you, “I don't know, I care about you, you know? Like you said, we're good friends”

You nodded, seeming satisfied with the explanation, and Rex breathed out a shaky breath.

“I'm sorry you had to see me like this” You looked down, playing with your fingers as heat rose to your cheeks.

“It's fine, I really don't mind. Besides, you still look good to me” He said, and your eyes snapped back up to his instantly, your breath becoming short. Rex thinks I look good?

“Thanks Captain” You grinned shyly, your face feeling positively on fire at the compliment.

“It's no problem” He smiled, then he became more serious, “Have you eaten today?”

“Uh- no” You looked away again, feeling ashamed.

“Alright, let me fix you some food then” He readjusted his hold on you and picked you up, setting you down on your couch. Your head was spinning from the intimacy of feeling his breath fanning over your face.

“I don't really have any food here” You admitted sheepishly.

“Okay, how about this then” He crouched by the couch so that his eyes were level with yours, “Why don't you go and have a shower, do whatever you need to feel a bit better, and I'll go out and get us some food”

“Rex… I can't ask you to do that for me” You spoke hesitantly, but he shook his head.

“You're not asking, and in fact, neither am I” He said with a playful glint in his eye, “Go and freshen up, that's an order soldier”

You giggled at him and took the hand that he offered to help you up.

“Yes sir” You saluted him and marched off in the direction of the refresher, earning a laugh from the clone.

You stepped into the refresher and looked yourself in the eye for probably the first time in days. You did not look good. Your eyes held bags that looked so heavy that they could weigh down the skin they inhabited, your hair was a complete mess, and your skin was dull and lifeless.

You sighed, grabbed your hairbrush, and decided to start there. It took a few minutes, but soon, your hair was completely knot-free, and you stripped off and stepped into the shower. You took your time finding the perfect temperature, which ended up being almost scalding hot. You leaned your elbows against the wall, letting the water hit your back and relieving some of the tension you could feel there.

Now that you were actually in the shower, you didn't feel like leaving at all. Though, the idea of Rex being outside the door when you finished was enough for you to quickly wash yourself and your hair and hop out again. You brushed your teeth twice and moisturised your clean skin. Looking in the mirror, you looked a lot better than you did before you went in the shower, and you were eternally thankful for that. If you were going to see the person you had been in love with for years, you only wanted to look your best.

You stepped out of the refresher and headed for your bedroom with your dirty clothes in hand.

“Hey, are you-”

You jumped out of your skin when you saw Rex stood in the living area with a bag in hand, and he did too when he saw you with only a towel wrapped around you. Your eyes went wide, and you wrapped the towel tighter around your body on instinct, only fueling the less-than-pure thoughts that were spilling into Rex's brain. You looked so incredible, your hair dripping water over your body, which was seemingly glistening with its new cleanliness, and your towel left little to the imagination.

“Um yeah, you're out, cool, uh- I'll let you get dressed” He turned around and cursed silently to himself for being so awkward.

You just chuckled nervously, feeling utterly mortified, and made your way to your room as intended. You found a fresh oversized t-shirt and pair of soft shorts and slipped into them quickly, rejoining Rex in the other room.

He had taken off the top half of his armour, leaving just his blacks, the Republic insignia adorned proudly on his chest. The tightness of the top showed off his toned physique as if he wasn't even wearing anything, and you had to tear your eyes away from it.

“What did you get?” You asked quietly, sitting down next to him on the couch.

“Noodles, is that okay?” He asked, looking to you a little nervously.

You chucked at his demeanour, which was decidedly un-captain-like as he looked to you for approval, “It's perfect, thank you”

You both picked up the boxes that held your food and dug in, and your bodies turned to face each other as you rested against oppsite ends of the couch. It was good to have a proper meal, with actually nutritious foods. When you had eaten as of late, it had mostly been ration bars or random snacks you could find in your apartment. You hummed contentedly, and Rex smiled at you.

“Good?”

“Mhm” You smiled, swallowing a bite, “Thank you Rex”

“It’s alright” He said nonchalantly.

“I mean it, thank you for… taking care of me” You said, then looked down, “I'm finding that difficult at the moment, so it means a lot”

“Cyare” Rex moved towards you and placed a hand on your knee, “It's really no trouble, I just want to see you feeling better”

You looked up at him and gave a tight lipped smile, “Well, thank you anyway”

“No problem. You look a little more alive now, by the way” He teased.

“Hey! You're the one that said I looked good before, you cant take it back now” You challenged, and he smirked.

“I'm not taking it back. You just look even better now” He said, but his smirk dropped when you froze up at his comment.

“You dont have to say that just to make me feel better, you know” You said, looking down and taking your final mouthful of noodles.

“I'm not just saying it” He said quietly, and you looked up to see his light frown. You put down your food box as he continued to stare at you seriously.

“What is it?” You ask.

“It's nothing, don't worry about it” He said quickly and put his own food box down as he finished.

“Rex” You scooted closer to him so that your knees were almost touching, “What's the matter?”

“Nothing’s the matter” He avoided your eyes as he spoke, and you used the technique that he employed earlier on, gently taking his chin between your thumb and finger and guiding his gaze towards you.

“What is it?” You asked again, and his eyebrows pinched together as his eyes flicked between the two of yours.

“You're so beautiful Cyare” He said, tentatively placing his hand on your lower thigh.

Your breath hitched in your throat at the gentle touch, and you searched his eyes for any dishonesty but only found them to be as earnest as usual.

“I- I should've been telling you every day since I met you” He said, his voice breaking just a little as he spoke so softly, “I should’ve been telling you how much you mean to me, how much I care for you, how important you are” He stroked his thumb back and forth on your thigh, sending tingles up your spine.

“Rex” You breathed out in a whisper, your hand sliding around to cup his sharp jaw. He leaned into your touch, and you felt as if you could melt at the sight.

“Say something” He urged, his eyes pleading for a conformation that you felt the same way.

“I-” You didn't know what to say. You felt the same, but the words got caught in your throat. It felt wrong to truly admit to your affection for him after bottling it up for so long.

“Rex, I've always cared for you, far more than a medic should care for their patient” You admitted, and his eyes lit up.

“You have?” He asked, and you nodded in reply.

“And for the record, I think you're beautiful too” You let a small grin creep its way onto your face.

“That’s good to know” Rex smirked, bringing his other hand to your cheek.

He looked deeply into your eyes, the eyes that he always found so fascinating, and he leaned his forehead against yours before tilting his head towards your lips. You shivered with anticipation.

“Is this okay? I don't want to take advantage of you if you-”

“Just kiss me Rex” You whispered against his lips, your eyes fluttering shut. He didn't delay after that. With your permission, he couldn't say no.

His lips met yours tentatively, as if testing the waters, but as soon as he felt you kiss him back, he pulled you in more urgently. His lips moved against yours, melding together as if it was how they were made to be. You felt your need for closeness growing, and you pulled him towards you as you deepened the kiss. Rex slid his hand up your thigh, resting it on your hip and tracing small circles with his thumb as his other hand moved to the back of your neck, pulling you impossibly closer as he devoured your lips.

Rex pulled back, his teeth lingering on your bottom lip for a moment, and you both caught your breath.

“I can't tell you how long I've wanted to do that” You said, your breath still short.

Rex grinned widely, “Yeah? I can guarantee it's probably not as long as I have”

“Probably not” You chuckled, “Unless you somehow wanted to before you even looked at me for the first time”

Rex raised his eyebrows, “You've wanted to kiss me the whole time we've known each other?” He asked, and you nodded your head shyly. “Why didn't you say anything?”

“I dont know, I guess I just figured you wouldn't feel the same” You shrug.

Rex just shook his head with a smile and pulled you onto his lap “Oh, how wrong you were”

“Is that right?” You smirked, “I'd love to hear all about just how wrong I was”

Rex smirked back at you, and placed a kiss to your cheek, “I've wanted to kiss those pretty lips of yours ever since I laid eyes on you” He confessed, and your breath hitched as he continued to place featherlight kisses along your jaw. “I thought you were the most beautiful person I'd ever seen” He kissed down your neck slowly, gently nipping at you with his teeth at the point where your neck meets your shoulder, which earned a small whine from you, and you could feel him smirk.

“I've never felt the way I feel about you, about anyone else” He murmured against your skin, burying his nose in your neck and inhaling your scent.

His words were driving you crazy. They were all you had ever wanted to hear from him, and here he was, speaking them aloud as he kissed your skin so gently, as if you would break if he pressed any harder.

“Rex” You whispered, and he looked up at you, waiting for you to continue.

“What is it, Mesh'la?” He whispered back, his lips ghosting yours. You shuddered in his arms, your eyes fluttering closed, and he watched your every move with anticipation.

“Rex, I-” You leaned your forehead against his, needing an anchor before you spoke your next words, “I need you”

Rex's heart skipped a beat. Possibly a few beats. “What do you mean, Cyare?”

“Please, take me to the bedroom” You asked, begged, and Rex took action immediately.

He held you to him as he stood up, and you wrapped your legs around him tightly. He made his way to your bed quickly and gently laid you onto your back, crawling over you so he was holding himself above your body.

“You're sure about this, Cyare? If it's just a lapse in judgement because you're not in your right mind, I understand, no hard feelings” Rex stroked your cheek with his knuckles, looking into your eyes intently.

“Rex, please. My judgement is just fine. I want you. I've always wanted you” You said, the neediness so obvious in your tone. Rex's expression then settled somewhere between amusement and adoration.

“You want me?” He smirked, his lips hovering just above yours.

“Yes” You spoke breathlessly.

“Say it again” He commanded in a whisper, his amber eyes burning into your very soul.

“I want you, Rex”

He breathed out a shaky breath and brought his lips to yours, speaking between chaste kisses, “You have me, all of me. You always have. I've always been yours”

It was almost too much to hear. Your heart was pounding in your ears, and you thought you'd made it all up.

“I've always been yours Rex” You whispered against his lips, and his breath stuttered.

“You're mine?” He asked in a murmur. The flame of desire burning in his eyes was clear.

“Only yours”

He pressed his lips to yours with a newfound desperation, his hand trailing down your body and holding your hips in place as he slipped his leg between yours. You grasped at his body, your hands finding themselves underneath the top of his blacks, and he stopped kissing you to pull it off. You absolutely marvelled at the sight.

In all your time knowing Rex, mending up his various wounds, you had never had the honour of glimpsing at his form without a shirt on. You traced along a scar at the centre of his chest, “How did you get this?”

“I was shot” He shrugged with a grin.

“No big deal for a big important Captain like you, I suppose” You teased and matched his grin as he rolled his eyes.

“Shut up” He mumbled against your skin as he buried his head in your neck, leaving soft kisses and less soft bites. You struggled to keep small moans from escaping your lips at his touch, and Rex noticed you holding back. He wound his way up to your lips, pressing a short kiss to them before he spoke.

“Don't hold out on me cyar'ika, I want to hear you”

You bit your lip and nodded at him, then kissed a trail across his strong jaw, earning a soft groan. As your kisses made their way down his neck, and you brought your hands to trail down his body, he groaned more deeply. The sound was driving you insane. Before you could breach the top of his blacks, Rex gathered your wrists in his hand and held them above your head, your eyes blown wide with desire and longing, your breath ragged.

Rex just looked at you for a moment, committing the intoxicating sight to his memory. His other hand found your face as he shifted the leg that was between yours, earning a whimper, “Don't worry about that, just let me take care of you”

You shuddered at his words, your body tense with anticipation for what was to come.

He looked so perfect, angelic even.

Watching Rex sleep was never a luxury you imagined yourself getting the opportunity to indulge in, but with it right in front of you, you weren't going to let it pass you by.

You had slept for a little while, wrapped up in Rex's limbs, and held closely to his body. You had been completely at peace, every struggle and awful thought that usually plagued you was pushed to the back of your mind and there was only him, his presence enveloping you; his warmth, his scent, the feel of his skin against yours, his breath against your cheek and his chest rising and falling gently. Now, as you moved away from him and watched the cold light of morning creep across his features, you couldn't help but marvel at the sight.

You slipped out of his arms, a soft sigh escaping him in the process. Your heart clenched at the sound, only feeling your adoration for him growing once again.

You reluctantly tore your gaze away from him and went over to your desk, opening the left draw as quietly as you could. You took out your flimsi sketchbook and a pencil and made your way over to the chair that was against the large window overlooking the city. However, that wasn't the focus of your sketching today, not when there was a sight far more beautiful laying in your bed.

You opened up your small sketchbook and looked at the last thing you had drawn. It was a scene from the park. A couple sat on a bench at the edge of the man-made pond and smiling adoringly at each other. You smiled and pushed down the guilt at the realisation that you had drawn this over four months ago.

When you looked up to Rex again, your heart skipped a beat. The sun had risen a little higher in the sky and cast a golden light across the lower half of his face and chest. You took up your pencil and began sketching the view before anything could disturb it.

The sheets were pooled at his waist, showing off his toned physique in all its glory, especially as he slept with one hand tucked under his head. His features were relaxed, more relaxed than you had ever seen. His face often had a sternness about it that was undeniably militaristic, but that was nowhere to be found as he slept peacefully.

You had the outline and were now just adding the details. The small marks on his skin, some that you had fixed up yourself, and the large blaster burn in the centre of his chest. As you were adding some of the shadows to his face, you heard a small grumble, and your head shot up to see Rex opening his eyes, stretching his arms out.

“Don’t move” You spoke gently, and he looked to you, noticing your sketchbook in your hand as you sat curled up in your chair.

He smiled, a warmth spreading across his chest as he settled back into his previous position, “Like this?”

“Mhm” You hummed in reply, taking in the way the shadows on his face changed now that he was awake. “Relax” You laughed as you saw a small crease emerge in his brow.

He chuckled a little and relaxed with a contented sigh.

“Almost done” You said quietly, as if to not disturb your own work.

You quickly added the remaining shading, adding some small details of the bed and the room, wanting to capture the moment perfectly, so that should your mind ever forget it, which you doubted, it would be forever recorded. That was what you loved about using flimi over a datapad. The physicality felt more personal and permanent.

“All finished” You smiled as you closed your sketchbook and went to place it back in your desk.

“Hey! Aren't you going to show me?” Rex asked, and you looked back to him to see the crease in brow had returned.

“It's not very good, it's just a sketch”

“Cyare, I love your sketches. Please, show me” He spoke gently, an edge of seriousness to deny your self-deprecating words.

“Okay” You conceded, opening the sketchbook back up and sitting down on the bed to show him. Rex then grabbed you by the waist and pulled you into him, making you fall back into his chest as he laid down again. A delighted laugh escaped your lips at the sudden contact, and you looked up to Rex's face to see an equally elated expression.

He took the sketchbook from your hand and looked over the drawing of himself, his smile widening with each second.

“It's amazing” He said softly, meeting your eyes again.

“That's because it's of you” You smiled and brushed your nose against his, earning a small chuckle.

“No, it's… You make me look so…” He looked over the drawing and tried to find the right word to describe what he meant, “I'm not sure. It looks exactly like me, but… There's something else to it”

“Well, all the best things are made with love” You said before you could even really process what you were saying.

Rex’s eyes went wide as they snapped back to yours, “Love?” He questioned.

You shrank backwards, wanting the bed to collapse in on itself and swallow you whole, but Rex’s arm tightened around your waist, pulling you against him. You let the word hang in the air for a moment before clearing your throat and swallowing hard.

“Uh… yeah” You said awkwardly, looking away.

Rex said your name in a soft tone, pulling your focus back to him. He rested his forehead against yours, his amber eyes burning into yours, “You love me?”

“I do” You whispered, gnawing your bottom lip at the vulnerability of the admission.

Rex met your lips in a sweet kiss, slow and deliberate, and pulled away a few seconds later. He caressed your cheek with his knuckles before he settled his palm on the back of your neck. “I love you too” He confessed, and your heart leapt to your throat.

“You do?” You whispered.

“I do. I always have. It's like I said, I've always been yours” He confirmed, repeating the words he had said last night. You brought your forehead to his again and closed your eyes, taking in the sweetness of the moment.

“And I yours”

Nothing was fixed. You weren't back to being happy and full of life like you once were, but Rex had reminded you why life was worth living. You were reminded of all the things that made it worthwhile, all of the things you loved to do, the things that brought joy and colour into your life. If you could just take it one step at a time, one day after the other, you would get through this feeling, and best of all, Rex would be there to support you when you needed him.

[tonguetiedraven]

Yukio cares a lot about perception and keeps a distance because of that

Even while his twin is going on a journey of realizing he sabotaged his own past ability to have friends and is welcoming the new opportunity to make them (he'll fuck that up but figure it out eventually,) Yukio will not allow himself to go on a similar journey until much, much later.

Welcome to part three of my Critically Reading Yukio analysis. Part one here, and part two here. I intended to pause on this series for a moment to focus on my girl Izumo, but I'm actively watching the Yukio analysis and discussions deteriorating before my eyes so he got priority for now, but expect that Izumo analysis soon.

In this part of my analysis we will focus some on Yukio's interaction with his peers and how the way he carries himself relates to that. This, like the other parts, will be a start to a study we will want to keep up through the entirety of his story. I talked last time about Yukio's role of responsibility with Rin and others, and that is directly applicable to this section, because Yukio? Has so much responsibility.

Also, apologies but we're going back to chapter 5. I will get to the double digit chapters, and maybe even triple digit. (Dare we dream?)

I want to point out this moment after the students have taken their exwire certification exam, which they think is a practice exam. Izumo, Paku, and Shiemi have gone to the bath where big dramatics are about to happen and Shima is talking about going to spy on them.

Now aside from the incorrectly translated 'Renzou' there (it's supposed to be Shima as always, sorry), this is one of the first panels where the students acknowledge that their teacher is in fact a student and honestly, younger than most of them. Renzou, Ryuuji, and Izumo are all older by a few months.

Renzou is the only student that will point out Yukio is a student on more than one occasion. Some of you are probably inclined to point out Shiemi, but she very much treats him as a teacher and mentor and someone to put on a pedestal, and I still intend to come back to them in their own post so hold that thought.

Renzou offers a companionship branch (granted on perving but it is Renzou) and Yukio firmly rebuffs it. He does not engage in such things and cannot allow himself to be too familiar with them. One, they are his students and propriety is something Yukio sticks with. Two, he is trying to keep a rather large secret and Rin is not being much help on the secret keeping end.

Yukio has not, as far as we're aware, had real friendships. We know he became popular as a kid/teenager at some point, but his early and formative years were spent being heavily bullied. That he not only could see demons and the terrors that go bump in the night, but that humans treated him cruelly too.

He became popular, but we do not hear that he had friends. How could he when he had a secret full time job at age thirteen and pulled good enough grades to be the top student of his grade in True Cross?

Yukio separates himself from them over and over again and you'll see that all through the chapters in little touches and big moments.

Here's another example from chapter 7 (the chapter where Neuhaus tries to kill Rin and they fight on the roof and Yukio breaks the summoning circle) where the new exwires have been bought a meal for their victory.

Yukio is shown to be standing outside and away from them. He gets called in by one of them and joins the group, or so we think until a few panels later when we see

He only sort of joined them. Now it is possible he's sitting with a few of the students, likely Takara and Yamada if anyone, but however it happens, he's still not sitting with the group in this shot. Even Mephisto is more connected to them. He is facing away and at his own table watching them, but never joining.

He is excluded from his fellow exorcists by necessity, always treated a bit strangely because he is so much younger and he was Shirou's protégé, and eventually he's outed as the other son of Satan and that furthers the gap between him and his coworkers. He excludes himself from the exwires and other students his age because he can't be like them. He has to be their teacher and leader and he has far more going on in his mind and life than thinking about the girls taking baths. He has been given a very lonely and isolating path to walk.

Made worse, I will once again say, by Mephisto.

Moving forward, I want to touch on this moment from chapter 8 before I hit Kuro:

Yukio gets a lot of flack for, well, everything, but this one bugs me in particular. Yukio tells Rin not to fight a certain way because HE KNOWS MORE THAN RIN. If Rin relies more on the demon part of himself without doing anything to try and control/restrain that part of himself he will be controlled by it. He is essentially turning the demon tap all the way on without any idea yet of how the handle works and what the size/strength of the spray will be. He needs to do this slowly or it will lead to problems, and it does. Rin gets taken over by his demon half later on in this story and it almost goes very poorly for the exwires. It is only Mephisto and the Paladin that stop it from happening.

Rin does not know what he's playing with when he's just going ham on the flames and injuries.

But more on that later.

Yukio is seldom not willing to explain something to Rin. The problem is that Rin doesn't want the lengthy explanations from Yukio that Yukio likes to give. He wants a quick and interesting yes or a no that feels more like a yes later, and he doesn't really want any 'no' from Yukio who he doesn't see as an authority because he still sees his brother as smaller and weaker even if he shouldn't. Now Yukio probably could use a less condescending tone, but honestly he's not being that condescending and I think the guy is permitted some annoyance at Rin. Neither of them want to be stuck in this situation and the horrible heat is amplifying everyone's sour mood.

Rin gets mad and growly and tells Yukio to shut up because he saved Yukio and Yukio isn't Father Fujimoto. Rin is referencing the incident with Neuhaus on the roof and grossly simplifying it. While it could be argued that Yukio was aided by Rin, it is not apparent that Yukio was at all saved by Rin. In fact, it was Yukio that got rid of the demon and saved Rin.

However Rin is right, Yukio is not Father Fujimoto.

Rin does not know that Yukio has basically been raised to replace Father Fujimoto. Yukio does know that and it simply adds to his own complicated feelings about their entire situation.

There fight escalates through Shiemi to this:

Yukio getting mocked. Now it's friendly sibling banter at a glance, but we know that Yukio has been bullied and made fun. He is trying very hard to have a serious conversation and Rin will just not have a serious conversation with him and strikes out, sends Yukio's glasses soaring, destroys them, and then laughs at that fact.

Yukio is still on that babysitting duty and it's moments like this that make it seem more like actual baby sitting.

I can feel people getting tense and wanting to interject that I'm being harsh to Rin and mischaracterizing him and he's just goofing or what does it matter when Yukio is so bossy and mean anyway?

Take a breath, hold on, and remember that the vast majority of aoex fandom text is lauding Rin and tearing Yukio apart. This is a Yukio centric study so I'm not going into Rin's emotions and drives as deeply as I'm trying to cover Yukio.

I love Rin and I also find the way the glasses landed hilarious. Kato has a fantastic sense of humor that lines up with my own far more often than not. However, as a sibling who has had her own items destroyed by siblings who just found it funny, I also see this so clearly from Yukio's side. Especially with the fact that he carries himself in a way that makes it seem he doesn't feel safe to express any emotions over this and doesn't get a chance to properly express his mounting frustration before he's being called to the job he shouldn't be stuck with.

He is not permitted to be upset. Rin quite literally just yelled at him, but Yukio yelling back gets him ganged up on. Yukio does not allow himself to express his real emotions and fights them down so that when they do come out, they come out in a snap that's usually intense because they're so far from his usual even demeanor or perfected customer service smile. A "This isn't funny!" from any of the other characters wouldn't be shocking, but with Yukio it is because he never lets himself show that much anger or frustration. Even in chapter two when he was leveling the gun at Rin he did so with an even expression and voice. It was not an emotional thing for him. It was a testing thing.

No one represses an emotion as quickly and efficiently as this 15 year old.

Yukio was bullied from childhood and even his own twin calls him a cry baby, though from what we see, Yukio hasn't cried since he was a child pulled into Exorcism work by Shirou. He has spent more years not crying, but will never lose the conception of wimpy cry baby in Rin's eyes, and it is Yukio's deepest fear that he will always be that. Rin does not realize that is one of Yukio's biggest fears and would certainly not constantly push and poke and deliberately prod that very tender spot if he did. He's an idiot, but he is very rarely a purposefully cruel idiot.

Yukio does not confide himself in anyone because it has never been safe to. He couldn't tell Rin most of what was really going on through the majority of their life because they couldn't risk the seal that was on Rin. Knowing too much and certainly knowing about demons would weaken the seal and an unsealed Rin is a Rin that would be killed by the Vatican. Shirou was someone Yukio couldn't bear to appear weak in front of, and Yukio has no other friends.

There's Shiemi, and he lets himself be more open to her than most people, but he also doesn't quite see her as she really is, and he's slow and tentative about being open with her because he doesn't want her to see the darker parts of him.

But I'll cover them later, I promise.

Focusing on chapter 8 again, I have to say that Rin is a damn menace on this mission. He follows Yukio, shoves himself into the mission while reminding Yukio that he broke his glasses, disregards Yukio's orders in front of others (something that continues to frustrate and upset Yukio visibly and something Rin does a lot, and Shura will as well when she shows up shortly.)

We find out that Shirou had a familiar and it was Kuro who is unquestionably the best boy and deserves cat treats and a warm sun beam to nap in, and who Yukio watched Shirou tame last time he went feral.

Shirou is brought up a lot in this chapter. Over and over by everyone in it. He is haunting this chapter particularly hard. He's been haunting the narrative since he died, but it gets especially cranked up here. The memory of him and the pressure of what he'd do and the way the knowledge of him, of who he really was separates the twin.

Yukio has a super secret package from Shirou, presumably a weapon, specifically for if Kuro loses it. Yukio does not know what this package is and can only assume it is a weapon because he knew Shirou as a warrior. As strong and brave and never afraid. He raised Yukio to fight and defend so of course Shirou would anticipate this and make a weapon to stop Kuro's rampaging.

(Also this is mark two on the tally of Shirou seeming to know he was going to die. Just saying. There's a lot of signs.)

Anyway, Yukio orders everyone away to use his presumed weapon. Rin disagrees with the attack and has been hearing Kuro this entire time but Yukio doesn't know that and Rin doesn't get how he's hearing it, and goes to confront Kuro himself. He literally uses his head and tells Kuro that he gets why Kuro is sad because he misses Shirou too, and Yukio:

Yukio remembers. He remembers Shirou saying almost the same thing to Kuro and sees himself further and further away from being the image of his father he so idolizes while Rin makes it look easy to be like that.

They decide that Kuro will now be Rin's familiar and a lot of people saw Rin take the headbutt from a cat sidhe without any kind of issue, so more stress on Yukio to keep Rin's secret underwraps.

By the way, this is the sort of thing I'm talking about when I say Rin does not work hard to keep his secret. Flame lapses aside, Rin just doesn't pause and think about how something he does will be perceived by anyone. He does not slow down to think. Yukio has to carry that load and Rin will not listen to him. To be fair, no one has taught Rin how to hide a secret. It's not something he's had to do, and Rin has spent most of his life avoiding people and interactions, so it's not something he's good at even without having to keep super strength under wraps.

Rin and Kuro will from here on be inseparable. Rin will have a small buddy at the worse moments and honestly, Kuro is fantastic and I adore the bond they both have. Rin needs and deserves that kind of friend.

Moving on now that Kuro has joined the party!

Chapter 9 starts with everyone getting an assignment to hunt a ghost. Rin embarrasses Yukio because he very obviously stares at Shiemi in all her not-in-a-kimono state. Small spat and everyone goes out and about on their stuff.

It's a dramatic chapter and once again shows that Rin is just not doing well on keeping the whole Satan son thing under wraps and that it is really just the benevolence of those that do know keeping it quiet that is keeping him safe at this moment. His secret will come out and it will almost certainly be a moment of their choosing, because Rin is also easy to manipulate.

Yukio reappears at the end of the chapter. After the roller coaster has been destroyed and Amaimon has returned Rin's sword and they have destroyed a good portion of the amusement park and come horrifyingly close to killing Shiemi.

We get this moment.

We get Yukio running and visibly upset as he should be. This was obviously Rin's doing what with the flame damage and how much strength would be required for this. He doesn't know Amaimon was here at this point.

Yukio comes running up and Yamada, the hoodie wearing team work refusing student that has been hanging out in the background is standing their and holding the bag that Kurikara is in. Yamada is standing there, holding the secret of Rin's flames and his heart, and Yamada speaks.

(Also, apparently 'Yamada' is the Japanese equivalent of John/Jane Doe. Gotta love how low effort that was on Shura's part xD )

Yamada speaks and Yukio immediately knows who Yamada actually is. Whatever Yukio's history with her, it's enough of a history that Yukio recognizes Shura Kirigakure's voice without seeing her face or signature clothing style.

The chapter ends with her saying who she is. The next chapter Rin is getting dragged to the Tokyo headquarters and Yukio is silent for most of it until they're in the building and Shura is saying she will have to report Rin and wants to interrogate him. Mephisto has shown up as well, and it's when Shura starts to walk away to interrogate Rin that Yukio breaks his cooperative silence.

And now I'm gonna skip to chapter 15 before I explain this, because damn it, there is just not enough analysis on the relationship between Shura and Yukio and how messy it is. Shura is such a complicated character and that complication shines with Yukio in so many ways. They bring out the most interesting and sharpest edges of each other and were both rivals for Shirou's attention and neither one has any of their Shirou baggage at all resolved and they can't work together because they can't take the other seriously and they both care about each other and man, the complexities amplify every time they're in a scene together.

I want to focus on this moment in chapter 15. Chapter 15 is at the start of the Kyoto/Impure King arc and is right after the trial and right before they all leave to Kyoto.

During that moment we see Rin getting his new training to burn candles and try to burn specific ones. Shura tells Yukio she wants to spar while Rin is doing that, and it's made apparent it's something they used to do. She uses her sword and he uses his guns, and they both see who can destroy more of the targets in the time limit.

Yukio says no and Shura orders him to do it, and makes it clear that if he loses she expects him to buy him dinner.

This is yet another example of someone who refuses to see that Yukio has grown and changed from who he was, and there's a tremendous power imbalance in this situation. Shura loves to treat Yukio like a kid brother, but she has authority over him and a lot of years on him, and she uses both to try and manipulate him into doing what she wants.

That's a core piece of who she is and absolutely from how she was raised, but I'll probably expand on that later. It's enough to see that she often pushes and manipulates and ridicules Yukio into doing things her way and makes fun of him when he's trying to be serious.

Chapter 15 goes into a flashback after she orders him to join her in the spar. It shows us a scene from when Yukio was in training to be an exorcist, likely around 10ish though I'm not certain of the exact age, and Shura, who is more than ten years his senior, beats him. Unsurprisingly. Because he's ten.

Shirou sees it and sees Shura laughing and mocking Yukio and calling him names and leaving the room, and we get this moment of reflection from Yukio about why he hates Shura. (And a bit of wisdom from Shirou.)

Yukio, understandably, hates looking stupid. He hates that she's immensely talented and acts like everything is a joke because it makes him and being serious look dumb because if someone who isn't taking it at all seriously can beat him, then what chance does he have when he's giving it his all?

(Also the size of that gun in his tiny hands kills me. Take the gun away from the child. I know why you did this Shirou but it kills me and it's awful. ;-; )

Once again we see the problem of perception on Yukio. Of the way he is seen and mocked and how he continues to hate that. He does not want to be seen as weak and stupid, and two of the most important people in his life at this point both see him as weak and stupid, or at least give him the opinion that they see him that way. Rin would probably say he doesn't think Yukio is weak, and Shura would certainly say she doesn't think he's stupid, but that's the way they make him feel and it is a problem as it pushes him to keep showing that he is not those things.

No one in this manga will be as successful as breaking Yukio of his cool as Shura will be.

We will explore the rest of chapter 15 later because it is a Yukio gold mine.

Back to the moment where Yukio finally speaks up in chapter 10. At this point we see him begging to be taken in Rin's place. He knows much better than Rin what is likely waiting on an official interrogation, and chances are he's been carefully versed by Shirou on what to say.

But also, this is his brother and he wants to protect Rin. Everything he's done up to this point has been in an effort to contain and protect Rin and he will continue to work to protect Rin.

Remember the end of chapter two. Shirou brought Yukio into all this madness by asking him if he wanted to get strong and protect Rin, and Yukio steps fully into whatever game he believes Mephisto is playing, knowing he is stepping into a game and that Mephisto is manipulating everything. He does so willingly to continue to protect Rin. It is undeniably his expressed goal. Say what you want of Yukio, he works hard to keep Rin safe from Rin's own self destructive actions and he works hard to keep the secret and shield Rin from the Vatican and this.

Shura dismisses Yukio and his growth. She takes Rin away and leaves Yukio there with Mephisto.

We do not see him again that chapter.

The next time Yukio pops up is in chapter 11 when he's shown sleeping as Rin slips out to go to the roof with Kuro.

Or Rin thinks he is asleep.

This is a tremendously tiny moment that Kato gives us and is easy to skip over as just a funny little ha ha, but it tells us more about Yukio. He's fully aware of what Rin is doing and like always, he is watching. He is aware of Rin slipping out and hears Rin talking about him. Rin is not pulling something over on him.

He is smart and observant. He is a step ahead of Rin. (Probably several.)

We then skip to the next morning and the exwires having some sort of training camp coming up. Will it be a real one this time since their last training was a fake training and actually a test?

Methinks not, lol.

The exwires gather at the bottom of the stairs near the True Cross Midway Station and we see Yukio with what I call his customer service smile.

This smile is ALWAYS a lie. If Yukio is wearing it he is frustrated and pretending not to be. In this moment Shura is almost certainly the reason for the fake smile.

He leads them into the forest for their mission, and it's like mid July in the middle of the day in Japan in Tokyo and it would be so damn hot and humid out there. This is just the nastiest sort of mission to send the students out on. If you do not live in a humid place then know that there is no relief unless you're in the ac. Shade does not help much because the humidity carries the heat and it is an exhausting kind of heat. You should not be going on a hike like this in high humidity. Especially not with those kind of packs and not in a heavy coat.

Yukio's careful façade cracks a lot on this mission. He is starting to show himself and his breaking cool to the students more and more despite trying not to. While Rin is getting lazier about his secret and struggling with figuring his powers out, Yukio's carefully gathered control of himself is starting to fray.

His response will be to double down in the next arc.

A few notable examples of this fraying are:

(Kato fucking kills me with the exwires all :o at Yukio's outburst in that last scene. I laugh every time.)

Hot, stressed, dealing with a person who irritates him more than anyone else, watching as the one person he really considers something like a friend goes more for his brother, Yukio is fighting a hard battle to remain always composed and smiling. This forest is not only a trial for Rin.

None of this is ever only a trial for Rin.

Yukio forces his façade back in place and continues his explanation of the mission.

The last shot we get of Yukio in that chapter is with the customer service smile firmly back in place. The façade cracked but he shoved it back in place. He's pleasant and in control again, not giving the appearance of being emotional, weak, or a cry baby.

The very next close up we get of Yukio is in chapter 12, and needless to say

That smile died again.

I'm going to end part three here with this strip. Yukio visibly loosing his cool and exhausted with Rin while Shura laughs in the background. Yukio saying audibly "I can't hide his power much longer."

This was never just a trial for Rin.

As always, you can see more of my aoex meta by looking at my tag #raven ramble and I'll post another part to this series and hopefully Izumo's analysis soon (๑•̀ㅂ•́)ง✧

[brainrot-goes-brrrrrr]

Savanna Squad Presentation Night Headcanons/mini fic [1/3]

splitting this into three headcanon parts because my god its long

eat up :]

Part 1: Taylor & Logan Part 2: Ben & Tyler Part 3: Aiden & Ashlyn

Ashlyn's POV

So the question is: How did we get here? Simple answer really. Taylor. She was always the one to suggest these kinds of things, team building hang outs, though last time it was just us.

The rest of the boys had plans. Tyler had practice to attend, one of the late kinds, Ben and Logan had a project together due for bio in a day or two, and Aiden, for some reason, had a late dentist appointment (much to his dismay). Only Taylor could make it to the graveyard early. Initially, we were just meant to manage our resources, which was manageable with one person, but it was always easier with other people to bounce ideas off of. That's all it was meant to be, but Taylor had other ideas.

"Girls night!!" She had cheered, and we just hung out.

And I had fun.

But as Logan fights with his laptop to mirror on the T.V for the presenters, that being us, I can't help but feel like I'm going to regret this one. Especially with Tweedledee and Tweedledum in the background yelling about something that I don't want to know about, but will probably learn against my will.

Just as Taylor and Ben come downstairs with blankets and pillows, Logan's T.V finally projects the wallpaper of his laptop.

"It's set up, thank god," he sighs, with that last part being under his breathe. And as we set up in his living room, Ben dragging Aiden and Tyler from the kitchen, both with bags of snacks in their arms, and Taylor handing out blankets, we finally sit in our places.

The next question, however, is Who goes first?

Taylor Hernandez

Taylor goes first because she's the one who planned it and was the most excited about it. Aiden tried to go first, but it was collectively agreed that he would be going last for no reason other than to piss him off lmao

Anyways, we love a STEM girl (be still my own heart) so her presentation would be all about her tools and work for the mechanics club. She takes this club seriously, not only because it's good for networking, but because she genuinely finds it fun. I like to think that there are two levels to the club where one is just a standard club and the second level is a competition team, and she was shooting to be a part of the competition league (totally not projecting because I'm a robotics kid)

Her presentation is so well done. It's not only really well organized, but it is just so pretty. It's the type of presentation that teachers would drool over. Avid Canva user b/c it has a lot of customization options that she loves.

What's a toolbox tour without the actual toolbox that's just as decorated as her slideshow. And she takes care of it, too.

Her presentation is so fun and sets a fun tune for the night, and she manages to make this topic really engaging. She would have a little quiz at the end, too, where if one of the group gets a question correct, they get a piece of candy

shows off tools like she's filming a makeup tutorial, I saw this on tumblr, and it's just canon at this point. No criticisms are accepted because it just isn't possible.

Group's reaction

Ashlyn and Ben are the ones who pay the most attention to the presentation. Ashlyn also gets the most questions right at the end of the quiz.

Logan asks the most questions in between slides, but not in an annoying way. He does get a bit lost, though, considering just how many tools there are.

Tyler and Aiden are still bickering a bit. Aiden can't sit still for the life of himself, but he swears that he is listening. Tyler would say otherwise.

Aiden is, though, and he ends up getting Taylor a really nice tool set that she mentioned she wanted when presenting just because he can. He is her favorite for a few days. He absolutely would have a shit eating grin looking at Tyler to just say, "See, I was listening :D". Tyler would then say that he could go fuck himself /hj

Logan Fields

Logan is next. The laptop hates him, and it's old and shuts down multiple times in his presentation. The group then had to watch this man fight with a busted 4-year-old laptop and lose several times. Have you ever seen your parents fight with a printer the night before you have a school project due? It's like that, and the rest are concerned.

He is an astrology bitch, and I will take no criticisms. But like, not in the way that it controls his life, he would not be caught dead saying that the stars told him to do something, like not let him eat alfredo on Sunday or something like that. He's more interested in the concept itself since the idea of zodiacs have existed for so long. Its his comfort research topic.

Absolutely went HAM on researching each and every one of their birth charts. Ask him to show you his notes, and he would not show you. Why??? because he took up an entire notepad (it's one of the smaller ones but still).

"Logan's so innocent" "Logan's so sweet" "My boy can do no wro-" NO!!!! THAT MOTHERFUCKER WILL READ YOU TO FILTH AND I STAND BY THIS. ITS LIKE HE LOOKED YOUR SOUL, UP AND DOWN, AND EXPOSED IT FOR THE WORLD TO SEE (something tells me Tyler gets it the worse. idk why it just feels right)!!! If he feels like something doesn't fit one of the people in the group he is clear about it

"Here is Gemini, a social butterfly. Here is Ashlyn. A Gemini. I love Ashlyn, but like a year ago I have actually seen you jump a fence to avoid a group of people who go to our high school without thinking, and I would say that needs an intervention but you'd also avoid it by jumping a fence." "..."

The presentation itself is long as hell. Like he goes in depth about everything that he talks about, and if you interrupt him, he will shoot you with a spray bottle. Did I mention there's a group spray bottle? Guess why they have one.

Somehow, he is still only the second longest presentation.

Group's Reaction

Taylor is his biggest hypeman. I feel like she'd also enjoy astrology a bit, too, though she's more of a casual fan. She is also one of the few people who is free from Logan's jabs.

Ben is also free from his jabs because he helped him with the laptop, which, thank god, because Logan was about to lose it. I don't think he really believes in astrology. The most he knows is his sun sign on the surface level. He is invested, though.

Don't think Ash is very interested in astrology either, and at some points in his presentation, he just loses her attention.

Tyler gets sprayed at least twice with the spray bottle because he gets defensive. Surprisingly, I do think he would be somewhat interested and knowledgeable about his star signs at least, mainly because he had to deal with Taylor when she went through an astrology phase (let me tell you it was brutal).

Aiden is also interested and engaged in the presentation, but maybe a little too much. What I mean is that he interrupts at points and is the reason why the spray bottle exists. Logan is flattered, but istg Aiden if you interrupt this man one more time...

By the end of the two presentations, the group is in pretty high spirits and having a good time, despite the fact that two of them are a bit wet.

Logan's laptop, however, is not, and just as they were setting up Ben's powerpoint, it decides that it was a good time to perform a mandatory update and restarts.

Absolute silence.

You could hear a pin drop.

And all eyes go to Logan.

"..."

"..."

"ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!"

Long story short, the presentations have to be postponed for around an hour and forty-eight minutes (maybe you never know with computers), and Logan is taking a walk.

[lunarriviera]

What are your thoughts on the last ep of under the skin...that cant be shen yi right...im seeing a lot of twin theories but thats a weird plot twist honestly 😅

to answer this question i guess i have to get up off the floor first, where i have been lying facedown and motionless since uts2 ended over a week ago. two weeks ago? yesterday? today? i don't know anymore i've lost all track of time, who are you? where are we?

oh right—the s2 ending. you must mean this scene, right? what a great way to end things! du cheng, happy, walking to meet a group of friends at his birthday party! truly wrapped up the whole drama, and left us in such a heartwarming place with our favorite characters!

...oh you didn't mean that ending? you mean there's another one?

[mindless screaming behind the cut AS WELL AS SPOILERS]

[and this winds up being about all of s2 as well as the final tag, OOPS]

so okay listen before i can even address this without the mindless screaming, i have to level with y'all here: s2 was rough on me. there are only like three du cheng stans in all of anglophone cdrama fandom and i'm probably two of them ( @wannings-wontons is the other one, thank god for her). i've written eleventyleven fics from his pov so i am ferally protective of my big stupid hot cop son. this season put him through the goddamn wringer and for my taste there were just a few too many scenes of du cheng looking like he was about to burst into tears while shen yi was smiling winsomely, for all the world as if he were not the one personally causing his captain to experience devastating mortal agony. allow me to demonstrate.

in the driver's seat: unspeakable anguish. literally can't talk.

in the passenger seat: hey nice air conditioner! guess what i have a new friend! i spent the night at his place, talking about infinity and human potential! in a few more episodes he'll be a murder suspect!

(i'm getting to the cliffhanger, believe me i'm getting there, no really i am, we just have to spend a minute dealing with the divorce arc first)

because, while i absolutely adore angst bambi (as @whomst-art-thou-whomst-whomst has immortalized him), and thanks to @elenothar have firmly adopted him as a most beloved emotional support twink (not least because i suspect tan jianci is himself kind of a genius; no triple threat should be this good of an actor), i also honestly not infrequently this season wanted to drag shen yi into the men's room by his pretty hair and flush his pretty little head down the [redacted] until he came to his pretty little senses. because while later in the arc he clearly is, you know, attempting that deep-cover thing, and has to reject du cheng to his face, right in front of Evil Eugenicist Art Critic Weasel Man, in order to gain Weasel Moriarty's trust, etc.—

there are also a bunch of times when du cheng is visibly upset and miserable and in genuine pain, and shen yi just laughs. literally laughs at him. like tan jianci what are you doing, do you want the audience to dislike you? how are you trying to play this?? are we supposed to think, wow shen yi sure knows what he's doing? are we supposed to think he suddenly has the world's worst taste in men? because long before Weasel Man smashes a vase and snaps at his lab assistant and possibly kills someone and has assorted tantrums which start to tip off shen yi that maybe his new bestie is kind of a bag of dicks—long before that starts happening? shen yi just likes that guy. he LIKES him. enough to quote whitman to him (fang kaiyi you take his queer name out your mouth); enough to stay up all night painting the stars with him and we don't know what all else. enough to hang out in his lab for days on end, listening to junk science and pretending to understand the human genome and just what. shen yi. WHAT. he's literally a Bond villain styled like an asymmetric reptile—all this, just because he's tall? and he's gone to the symphony a few times? what, because he negged your painting, and that turned you on? i shouldn't have said any of that, but i did; and now i refuse to take it back. because inside me are two wolves, and they sound like this:

one wolf has been extremely online for many years, and thinks she's very hip and chill and jaded. this wolf talks in memes and laughs at herself, and she's like: “haha fun drama! Solving Crimes Through Art! lol i can't believe this turgid love song playing over a romantic montage, wow it's so stupid.” and also: “lmao divorce arc so hilarious, WELCOME HOME CHEATER lol get it, good joke right?” and: “oh my god why is there another pointless cliffhanger, they will NEVER GET a s3 what are they thinking. this scene is therefore not canon and can be safely ignored, just like the s1 tag turned out to be a ~~~dream."

but the other wolf is lying motionless in her barrow in the darkness flat on her stomach in mouldering leaves and mud head resting on crossed paws staring into the night with her old yellow eyes and she says they stabbed my son and left him alone in his blood and the last thing he saw was a cruel face worn by the boy he has come to love a boy standing at the end of the alley looking down at his phone who then moves past him and keeps on walking

and then, you know. then i lie on the floor for a week! which is fine, i'm an extremely psychologically healthy person who has certainly not at all outsourced her entire emotional well-being to an imaginary public safety bureau criminal investigator on the coast of southeast china.

so what do i think about the cliffhanger? here is what i think about it; and again, sorry for the hatchet job on shen yi but it was relevant:

1. i do think it's a dream, yes. they've already played that game with us—we waited two years to find out who was carving up shen yi's creepy murder-red self-portrait and whomst should it be but…nobody! just shen yi having nightmares about his future fling, apparently. (notice, too, how fang kaiyi GRABBED that craft knife, which shen yi had deliberately left on the easel, and didn't even ask why it was there. he might be tall and elegant and have good taste but he's nowhere near as smart as you are, shen yi. do better.)

2. whose nightmare is it, though: shen yi's, or du cheng's? remember that the first time du cheng meets fang kaiyi, he tells shen yi, "he reminds me of someone: the old you." (and shen yi laughs merrily, even though nothing about that is funny, either the observation or du cheng's immediate mistrust and jealousy. TAN JIANCI WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING). then, later, on the precinct rooftop, after the case is all over, shen yi confesses yet again that there's something in him that's not altogether good, that he has quote "demons," and that if he hadn't met du cheng, he might have gone down some vague unspecified dark path. not quite sure how a portrait artist was gonna become a mass murderer or whatever, but okay i guess. there was something off about shen yi 1.0, and du cheng could see it even a decade ago and he didn't like it then any more than he does now.

given all that, then, the nightmare is probably shen yi's. he's prone to them anyway, and he knows now how badly he's hurt du cheng, and that he came dangerously close to, well, getting into bed with the enemy. i don't think it's even until fang kaiyi is so limpidly nonchalant about zhou shanshan's death that shen yi's inner moral compass comes shrieking back into play (and then it really does; shen yi who never raises his voice out there just shouting that man down).

there's one argument to be made for the case that it's du cheng's nightmare, though, which is the way that he looks up at the camera at the very end of the shot, and laughs. shen yi 1.0 is standing too far away for that to be his point-of-view. so who's standing over du cheng? and who would he laugh at, in recognition, like that? shen yi 2.0, presumably (or 3.5? not sure what version we're on anymore).

either way here's my final observation, and then i swear to god i'll shut up, before the shen yi stans come for me like maenads. i was chatting with @wannings-wontons and she said something that absolutely blindsided me, which is that the cliffhanger literalizes the arc of the series: shen yi did, in fact, metaphorically stab du cheng in s2. why else would either of them dream that? du cheng being badly, even fatally wounded by arrogant young artist shen yi is precisely what happened during the divorce arc. and their reconciliation was so heavily censored as to be, to some of us anyway, unpersuasive. (two cops, talking on a rooftop all night! five feet apart cause they're not gay!) as @wannings-wontons said: "the last scene just reflects how badly hurt he was. and we're left to decide whether he'll recover."

so which is worse, dreaming that your lover stabs you? or dreaming that something twisted inside you stabs the man you love?

tldr, shen yi doesn't need a soap opera evil twin: he's his own evil twin, and he knows this. and what is more, du cheng knows it now too. if there's ever a third season, which seems completely impossible to me, the writers have to know that they have NOT fixed this.

fortunately, we have something censored production companies don't have, and it's called fanfiction. so bring on the episode codas, my friends. bring on the long painful conversations and the shouted arguments (du cheng never even got to yell, except once in a parking lot because he was frantic). bring on the tender reconciliations that can only come after those blowout knock-down-drag-out fights, and are therefore real and grounded, not stilted, wooden, woefully inadequate mockeries of reunion. let people throw furniture and cry and try to explain and plead and confess and even, sure, why not, grab the other person and kiss him breathless, and say I don't want to do this without you, say don't put me through that ever again, say but this isn't enough and I need something different, say okay then let's figure that out together, say i'm sorry i hurt you, you're the most important person to me and that's the last thing i ever want to do.

it's up to us, not to leave them there in the alley like that. but the good news is if it's work, it's only work. and it's our work to do.

[andhumanslovedstories]

hi! i'm gonna overshare a little bit but i'm doing my nursing prereqs right now and i'm really worried. i'm kind of really mentally ill and i've been worrying recently if nursing is worth it. i want to help people and it sounds so interesting and i love medical stuff but i don't want to get burnt out with the stress and long hours. someone told me that nursing is a lot like being a restaurant server, and i don't want to go to school and get a degree and a career that's literally just serving again. is it satisfying? is it rewarding? is it soul-killing? i'm scared

hi there! I'll overshare in return! I'm just coming off three months of disability for burnout (which for me is just depression but with a name you can use in the workplace). My job didn't cause my depression, but it certainly exacerbated it. The hours, the stress, the constant exposure to people suffering and the limits on your ability to do something about it, all those suck and they can break your brain. (On the other hand, I've been majorly depressed while working at an ice cream parlor where the walk-in freezer was for smoking weed. You can be depressed anywhere.)

And it is a hard job! Harder in some parts of the field than others. Different places have different nursing cultures, different laws, different staffing, etc. Where I work, there's good protection and advocacy for nursing. That's not true everywhere.

With all that said--I really like nursing. I get to do work that I know contributes good to the world. I get to solve very practical problems. I meet people I would never otherwise meet. I have the opportunity every shift to do something that I am proud of. And a lot of times, I find it fun! It's fun to brainstorm how to make someone who's been puking all night feel better. It's fun to see your efforts rewarded, even in small ways. It's fun to stop something before it becomes an emergency. It's fun bustling around, juggling a dozen different things. It's not ALWAYS fun. But for me, the work is not just meaningful but also enjoyable.

That's how I knew I had bad burnout btw. Even when things went well and I did work I was proud of, every shift was such a fucking slog.

If you are interested in the basic work of nursing (managing the human response to illness and promoting health), then there's a million and one jobs you can do with a nursing degree. They cater to different traits. I've discovered I really like precepting new nurses, I like working on the floor with its routine and concrete goals, and I like symptom management. I don't like critical care or the emergency department or working on stuff that isn't patient care, like paperwork and charge nursing. I like novelty but not chaos. I like independence but not being left entirely to my own devices. I like that I physically cannot take any of my work home. I do not like being on committees. So for me, right now at this point in my life, I like being a basic med-surg night shift float pool nurse. I would be absolutely miserable as a neuro ICU critical care day shift nurse. I would be bored to death being an inpatient rehab night nurse. Being a nurse manager would probably make me suicidal again.

If you find the basic work interesting and rewarding, you can tailor it to your taste. (I can't recommend floor nursing enough for the adhd havers amongst us.)

and last thing, regarding mental illness: I think a lot of nurses (and ppl in healthcare in general) struggle with mental illness way more than they think they do. Someone who knows they have depression and works to manage it will likely be more resilient than someone endlessly pushing through their fatigue and misery. Probably a better nurse, too. I take meds, go to therapy, get sleep, push myself to eat, take sick days, protect my limited energy, do physical activity--I'm a gym girlie now!!--because I'm treating a disease I know that I have. Just knowing that there's something up with your brain and doing something about it puts you way ahead like half of the people who work the emergency department.

[katesmemes]

feel free to change any pronouns, etc. || may contain some nsfw!

"I don't think that blush is your shade."

"I'll probably just stay home."

"This is the first critical rager of the year."

"You know what your doctor said."

"You need socialization."

"Why don't you use my tanning bed?"

"You're in need, babe."

"I'm really sorry you got electrocuted."

"Are you hot for anyone?"

"[Name], [Name], [Name], [Name], [Name], [Name], [Name]!"

"I don't know who that is."

"He doesn't play sports; he's cerebral."

"This party is gonna be clutch!"

"These things will turn your feet into hamburger helper."

"It's not haunted, just abandoned. Desecrated."

"Well, I heard [Name(s)] do witchcraft over there."

"I've never seen anybody there."

"I think it's really peaceful and quiet."

"I talk to him sometimes."

"I brought this for you."

"It's kinda morbid when I wear it so I wanted you to have it."

"That's really weird, [Name]."

"I just don't think anyone should be forgotten."

"Y'know, I wasn't gonna say anything, they were such a mess, but you look amazing now!"

"Oh my God, [Name], bag your face!"

"How do you know my name?"

"So what exactly happened to her?"

"I can never ever talk about it, for personal and legal reasons, and i also pinky swore, but I guess I can tell you. I trust you."

"I'd be screwed up if I were her, too."

"Hi, sorry, how do we know each other?"

"You're being so dramatic."

"This is not what I expected from you; you have so much potential."

"Lets find somewhere for you to sit for a bit, yeah?"

"I hate parties like this; I don't even know why I came."

"Your hair feels like easter grass."

"You know it's not nice to lead people on."

"I wish I was with you."

"It's okay; everyone does it."

"You should probably get going."

"Did you smash the mirror in the bathroom?"

"Do you know what happens to people who act out?"

"How about an apology?"

"I feel like I may want to apologize for what happened last night."

"Well, I'm glad you're okay."

"Oh, is there pizza left?"

"I think I'm gonna skip the movie."

"I'm just really tired from work."

"Do you know how hard that is on the groin muscles?"

"It doesn't even hurt anymore."

"Do you like this song?"

"We're better off up here in case anyone comes home."

"I haven't said this many words in a row in forever."

"I hate to say it, but you're either crazy, or just goddamned inconsiderate!"

"You're kind of absurd, aren't you?"

"I really don't get your fixation with that one."

"There are plenty of halfway-dece guys who would date you."

"I wanna help you, I really do, but I dunno how."

"It's a waste of time to try and fix a boy; it's better to just accept a guy's flaws."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"What happened to your neck?"

"You don't want to hold my hand?"

"This whole place gives me the creeps, okay?"

"I thought that was a really cool thing to say."

"Don't feel bad about what we did!"

"You saved me."

"Is that a rad new trend or something?"

"I don't play with dolls anymore."

"I'm sure there's some explanation."

"You know I'm usually pretty cool about things, right?"

"I have a bad feeling about this."

"You have no idea how scary this is."

"I actually feel like something's wrong."

"People are so afraid of death because they dunno when it's gonna happen to them."

"I'm not afraid of death anymore."

"I don't wanna die a virgin."

"I want to do it with someone I truly love."

"You're so supportive."

"I love our conversations."

"I'm sorry, I don't mean to be rude."

"How about I drive since you're not feeling so good?"

"Your boobs look great by the way."

"This is just too freaking much."

"It's your fault we're screwed."

"You act like you're happy for me, and you care about me, but you're not really happy for me."

"You couldn't let me have this one thing?"

"You knew I liked him and you went after him on purpose!"

"I swear, I would never do that to you!"

"Guys usually only want me for one thing."

"It just was never gonna work out between us."

"I don't have feelings for you like that."

"Do you know how uncool that is?!"

"Uh, you're not making any sense."

"Thank you for being nice to me when no one else was."

"You're the type of person who usually bullies me or looks right through me, but you didn't."

"You actually went out of your way to try to tell people I was part of your family."

"You really actually wanted me to be your sister..."

"You're a great person, [Name]."

"Listen, we're running out of time."

"Make love to me."

[tsams-and-co-memes]

Frank is Pisces

I made a thread for this theory on TSBS Discord server and it blew up (it blew up so much more than I ever thought it would, like Jesus Christ. I'm super happy about it though). I figured that since I moved all my canon info stuff over here from the server, I might as well move my theory stuff over too

Long post warning, since there's a lot here. A lot of this exists because I was possessed by my adhd demon one night, noticed something about Frank, and then ran wild with it

(Last two pictures are part of a chart that SqarletGecko made for this theory. If Sqarlet sees this at any point, hi, hello! I appreciate you for feeding into this, Sqarlet)

There will be more images tacked on later. I'd add them now, but unfortunately, there's a 10 picture limit to posts. As stupid as that is. ANYWAY

Frank’s strong enough to kill two different witherstorms. Although him outright killing them was never verified, it was one of the only ways he could’ve come back so soon. The only other way would’ve been to wait by the portal, but assuming Moon would’ve closed it off due to the dimensions that Frank was in housing witherstorms, Frank would’ve had to find another way out

His name is neither Frank nor Forkface, so it’s entirely possible that it could be Pisces

Sqarlet pointed out that Castor said “Pisces is probably off doing his own thing”, which could be anything, and it certainly doesn’t preclude Pisces being on earth as Frank, doing whatever he’s been doing

In the “Lunar Gets Friendzoned” vrchat episode, Castor mentions Pisces again, this time saying (in reference to how Lunar’s “final test” would go, and how someone would be sent to judge his ability to control his powers) “Could be Nebula, could be Libra. Could be Pisces, but I doubt that. Hell, it could even be Taurus.” This is the second time Castor’s mentioned Pisces, as if he doesn’t have a whopping 10 other signs he could pull names from (minus Gemini and Pisces, obviously). This could be a case of simply sticking to a smaller pool out of the 12 names, but still

Castor has mentioned Pisces offhandedly two different times. Yeah, there could be a really simple explanation for that, but it sticks out to me, and I can't pinpoint why

During an Uno video, they did a “one breath for yes, two for no” thing with Frank, and he confirmed that he had a bad past. Given some of the things that Castor has said about Taurus, it’s a possibility that Frank/Pisces was trying to get away from him. Some other Pisces traits are that they’re supposed to be super empathetic and deeply emotional. If Taurus said or did something that impacted Frank/Pisces enough, he could’ve chosen to leave

For a while, Frank didn’t seem to react much when people acted scared of him, but as he’s spent more time with the channels, he’s developing more emotionally, which would make sense if he was younger. According to a google search I ran, “Pisces emotional sensitivity is high, helping them to remain in tune with others also leaving them vulnerable to criticism, worrying about about the effects that their actions might have on others,” which could explain why he acted so sad when he briefly appeared in the lobby in an FFFS episode and everyone acted scared of him

Pisces has a heightened emotional sensitivity, they're very in tune with the emotions of those around them, and this in turn makes them worry about how others might react to them

In another Uno video, Foxy made a lighthearted comment to Frank about how he reminded him of his son, since he has a habit of inserting himself into situations and things. There are other characters who do this too, meaning that Foxy could’ve compared Frank to literally anyone, and yet, he chose a character that’s a child. If Frank is Pisces, he’d be the youngest of the astral bodies

If you watch him, Frank does have some childlike mannerisms and behaviors. The first thing is the way he sometimes wants to show someone something, but then gets upset when they touch it. It’s like when a kid gets a new toy and shows their friend, but then gets upset when their friends tries playing with it because it’s theirs. The second thing is him apparently drawing on the wall underneath Earth’s bed. Drawing on walls is something that kids do. The third thing is him trying to feed Earth a piece of pizza. Kids will sometimes try to feed people too, though it’s typically only with people they’re close with, that they know pretty well

If Frank is Pisces and therefore the youngest of the astral bodies, there’s a chance that he chose to show up in the daycare because he knows it’s a safe place for kids, and that there are good caretakers there (Sun, Moon, Earth, and Lunar). He could’ve chosen a daycare attendant-esque form to blend in better with the daycare environment, or he could’ve copied what he saw of the caretakers there, much like how kids copy the adults they see

Pisces is the youngest of the astral bodies, so everything that Frank does that seems like something a kid might do,, could sort of tie in with that. Frank has seemed to somewhat mature and "grow up" in a sense as of recently though, so these childlike habits and behaviors have begun to become rarer and rarer

Pisces has ties to illusions, dreams, and the subconscious. This could explain the times when Frank appeared in both Monty and Earth’s dreams, and then dragged the Stitchwraith into his own mind. In the case of Monty’s dream, Frank knew that they’d had problems with their dad and he’d even offered to be their listening ear, so seeing the shape Monty was in emotionally and mentally after their dad died, Frank may have guided them to an image of their dad to try to promote a form of closure and emotional healing and recovery before Monty woke up (did I mention that being a healer is also a Pisces trait?). He was silent in the dream, so Monty’s mind couldn't have heard his signature heavy breathing and did something funky with that. In Earth’s case, Frank somehow knew that she was having a nightmare and he came to wake her up, repeatedly saying “no fear”, as if he was telling her not to be afraid. With the Stitchwraith, the Stitchwraith wasn’t aware that he’d been pulled into his own mind. Frank didn’t confirm that he was until he told the Stitchwraith that “It’s just a bad dream, a nightmare”, and told him to wake up

More Pisces traits are wanting to help people and being a healer. Adding in the ties to illusions, dreams, and the subconscious, I feel like creating dreams to help people recover from things wouldn't be too farfetched. In the case of Earth, Frank knew she was having a nightmare and wanted to wake her up so that she wouldn't be scared anymore. To this day, I have no way to explain how he could've possibly known about her having a nightmare, aside from sensing her distress and/or having some kind of connection to her subconscious

I found a snippet of an article that said “When we meet Pisces, we are taken aback by their remote coldness; they often act like confused geniuses or oddballs who have trouble interacting with others.” It’s confirmed that Frank is highly intelligent; he somehow knew how to get into Moon’s computer and registered himself as the primary user, and he somehow swiped Foxy’s voicebox and installed it in himself, then took it back out and reinstalled it in Foxy. Frank is also an oddball, but I don’t really need to explain that one

Frank has made it abundantly clear that he doesn’t like Ruin. He’s had many opportunities to take him out or even just attack him, but he hasn’t. Castor has stated that astral bodies typically don’t get involved with things or associate with people unless they really need to. If Frank is Pisces, he may have avoided going after Ruin because it’d go against the rules

There are some mixed messages on whether or not Pisces is a rule follower, but a couple things I found that stuck out to me implied that sometimes they follow the rules, and sometimes they do whatever they want as long as they’re satisfied. We were given a glimpse of this with Frank when Lunar tried to run him over with a car in a vrchat episode. Frank didn’t seem to care as much about the fact that he was nearly run over, and instead, became agitated with Lunar for parking incorrectly. He also made Lunar get in his car, and then proceeded to move it out of the alley and to the drive thru, where Lunar was supposed to be anyways. He might’ve also reacted poorly to Monty and Earth bringing a goose into the restaurant they were in, since animals don’t belong there. Beyond that, Frank’s also gotten upset with Sun and tried to menacingly follow him around the room when Sun cheated during a game of Uno, showing that he doesn’t like cheaters

Frank seems to have a knack for interrupting people’s dates. Most of the time, he’s trying to help but doesn’t seem to grasp that his behavior might be making people uncomfortable, BUT according to google, the Pisces sign is known for being jealous of other people’s love lives. After the death of Ruined Monty, Frank may have started to feel a little jealous of others

According to google, “most Pisceans are very good at earning a stable living,” and “they are usually very effective in any career that needs collaboration with others or inventiveness.” It’s been stated before that Frank works in at least three different restaurants, and a restaurant type environment would require collaboration with others to keep everything running smoothly. He’d be earning good money from those three restaurant jobs, and another Pisces trait is wanting to help people, so working in a restaurant would be a way for him to do that

Strengths of Pisces would include being selfless and thoughtful, passionate and creative, gratitude and self-sacrifice, tolerance and a keen understanding, and being kind and sympathetic. Weaknesses of Pisces include being influenced by their surroundings, being careless, rash, and ill-disciplined, having an inability to confront reality due to an absence of confidence, being insecure, sentimentalism, indecisiveness, and a lack of foresight. These are all from a chart I found, and although I don’t think we’ve seen too many of these weaknesses in Frank yet, we’ve definitely seen a lot of the strengths

We have no idea where Frank was before he first showed up at the daycare. Fazbear apparently had him shipped in to replace Moon, but with how easily he got into Moon’s computer, it wouldn’t be too farfetched to assume that he could’ve possibly also hopped onto a different device and sent a fake email, posing as Fazbears to keep people from asking too many questions about why he’s there

Like Sqarlet has said, we’ve noticed a pattern of astral signs following the usual astrological descriptions, but it’s not necessarily a rule, nor is it to a T. It’s very possible that Frank mostly follows the general tendencies of Pisces, but still has individual quirks and such that are different. It could be a case where perfectionism or a preference for rule-following/organization is just a lil personal thing of his, unrelated to astrology

Another thing suggested by Sqarlet is that the Pisces dealio might explain why Frank’s general choice of appearance is generally uncanny/unsettling. Astral bodies don’t necessarily have a spectacular grasp on how to Aesthetic effectively, at least from an earthling’s perspective

Eclipse once used star power to get into Puppet’s dreamscape, when Puppet was on his way to get Lunar. If star power is what makes dreamscape stuff possible, then Frank would need access to it in order to do the same (see: all the dream stuff he did with Monty and him showing up in Stitchwraith’s dreamscape)

Whenever Frank appears, whoever he appears around is usually experiencing a negative emotion of some sort. Some instances of this can be seen when he showed up and tried to talk to Monty after Monty had a fight with their dad and was frustrated, when Earth and Sun were worrying about Lunar when Lunar lost his voice, when Sun got turned into a dragon and was panicking, and when Earth had a nightmare and was freaking out over it

Foxy’s implied that Frank was probably trying his best to be helpful, during all the dates that he unintentionally ruined. Which… means that although Frank is trying his best to be helpful, he might not understand what “normal” behavior looks like, then he messes up, and then he gets upset when people misunderstand him and his intentions, or when whatever he’s doing ends up backfiring in some way. Pisces’ loves to help others and can’t stand being misunderstood, so this lines up beautifully

During a podcast episode, Frank breathed heavier when Castor and Pollux were mentioned, implying that he may know them. Given how he even attempted to speak again, he likely had some kind of thoughts or feelings toward them, too

The astral bodies are typically aware of almost everything that happens. This might explain how Frank (if he’s Pisces) knew that Foxy would be alone on Christmas. It was only Foxy, Freddy, and Francine present when the Stitchwraith took FC, so unless Frank was spying on everyone or has taken to watching the channels like Ruin apparently does, he shouldn’t know what happened

If the Foxy’s Intervention episode is anything to go by, no one ever knows where Frank is, and yet, he still knows where he’s needed and goes there to help

With the way that Pisces deals with illusions just as much as dreams and the subconscious, it’s possible that the Frank that the Stitchwaith saw was just an illusion. This could explain why Frank wasn’t hit by Stitchwraith’s weird chest laser thing (unless he quickly teleported out of the way), and why we never saw him go up to the Stithwraith and try pushing him around or anything, despite how Frank was acting toward him. We’ve seen Frank physically interact with people before, so we know he can, but if he was an illusion, that wouldn’t be possible

Something else to consider that I haven't shared with the theory thread yet (that I can remember) is that when Pisces feels hurt or betrayed in any way, they can be incredibly vengeful. Their vengeance, according to a search I ran, could be intense enough to break trust and damage relationships, if they're not careful. In killing ruined Monty, Bloodmoon may have unknowingly made Frank feel so deeply hurt that Frank has now decided that he needs to get revenge on him. He kept saying things during their encounter that made it feel like he may be entertaining the idea of getting rid of one of the twins, which... follows a very "you took away someone who meant the world to me, let's see what happens when I do it to you" sort of logic

[radiojamming]

Hartnell fact time again? Hartnell fact time again!

We have a pretty spot-on timeline of the last few months of John Hartnell's life thanks to Hartnell's Time Machine—which is to say, his nails.

These three graphs show the amount of copper, zinc, and lead in John's system from the time the Expedition was in Greenland to his death on January 4th, 1846. It's how we know he had a critical zinc deficiency, and it shows how the concentration of led in his body was higher when he was in England, and lower as the Expedition progressed.

Incredibly, because of this study, we can nearly tell the exact date John started to get sick—November 17th, 1845. There are brief spikes in copper and zinc (and a wee bit of lead) in early December—possibly due to applications of medicine and food as someone tried to help him get well. The final, massive spike at the end is his body breaking itself down, trying to find any and all nourishment to prolong its life as long as it could. We know from Inglefield & Sutherland's examination that they were able to identify a "wasting illness" when they felt his body, and Beattie's team in 1986 found no content in his stomach or bowels, so he hadn't eaten anything for some time before his death.

Unless we had a literal time machine, we don't know what his last days were like. This study, though, manages to give us a better idea of what might have happened.

We know his zinc deficiency was pronounced, so he probably would have had symptoms like night blindness, loss of appetite, exhaustion, irritability, hair loss, slow wound healing, and GI issues like loose stool (sorry buddy). We also know from his x-rays that he had prior injuries to his neck, shoulders, and ankles. Some were older injuries, some were newer. It's entirely possible that his symptoms of zinc deficiency and TB lowered his lack of awareness, leading to workplace injuries.

I know I kind of tease about John "Glass Bones and Paper Skin" Hartnell, but I'm fully aware that the last months, weeks, and days of his life were truly miserable. He was most definitely in pain, batting a thousand against a body that was fighting itself and trying to win.

Maybe people around him—crewmates he'd known from his time on the Volage, his own family—noticed a change in his personality. Maybe they saw the exhaustion on his face, him wincing in pain when he moved the wrong way, pushing food around his plate with disinterest, maybe he snapped at them or said something uncharacteristic that set off alarm bells. Someone, somewhere, knew something was wrong. At some point around late November and early December, he started getting treatment. By then, though, it was far too late.

It's a creative exercise more than anything. Like I said, we can't know what the end of his life look like. We have to take scans of his nails, x-rays, and the appearance of a thrice-exhumed mummy to guess. But we also can see that someone loved him enough to give him the appearance in death of being comfortable. Knowing what we do know about how much discomfort he had to be in, this might have been completely intentional. He was given a pillow, blankets, extra clothes, a hat. Even at the end of the world, he was loved.

[linkspooky]

Okay, so I received an ask in response to an MHA critical post I received last night that I originally responded to, but then decided to delete the ask and the original post because I didn't want to get into an argument.

However, I feel like I should address one of their complaints about a post I made last night. That I was being too dismissive on the cultural reasons for some of the writing choices Horikoshi made because I am obviously not a part of the culture that Horikoshi grew up in and is commenting on in his piece of work.

I tried not to dismiss the cultural reasons entirely in the post though, I just said I don't think you can entirely blame Hori's writing choices on them. My cited example was there are other shonen jump mangas that don't go out of their way to gruesomely kill their villains (which is what I'm taking fault with.) I understand that the death penalty is a common response to murder in japan, but within the realm of fiction of shonen manga doesn't have a trend of killing all their villains.

But yeah, that might have been a shallow argument.

So there are different lenses of fiction you can criticize Horikoshi's writing on, because every piece of fiction is in fact influenced by the culture it's in, as well as obviously the author's personal life and unconscious biases but that's not all. There's also genre to consider, and influences / inspiration the author might have taken from other works.

For example, there is also genre in particular MHA is written as a response / commentary to both western comics and classic shonen jump manga. Horikoshi said in an interview:

“Probably have to be Goku and Spiderman. To me, when mentioning heroes, these two are the ones that I think of. In Goku’s case, it’s the reassurance that everything is going to be fine he brings when arriving.” 

There are multiple critical analysis lenses that you can analyze a story from. If you're talking about MHA from a feminist lens then you're likely to stick to topics relevant to that, like say japanese feminist movements. If you're talking from the sociopolitical angle then it's relevant to discuss collectivism, and especially how it inspired the Todoroki Family. However, my intent wasn't to dismiss sociopolitical reasons as why Horikoshi chose to write the story this way, but to say it's not the only reason that informs Hori's storytelling choices. MHA isn't just one thing it's multiple thing, me deliberately choosing to talk about MHA as a response to both eastern shonen manga and western comics is a valid critical lens to apply to the manga. You can talk about both obviously, but that was a pretty short post. Perhaps I didn't word my post the best but please try to be understanding that I can't make a post covering all of my bases on leaks night.

For a manga where Horikoshi cited his concept of heroism comes from Goku and Spiderman, they both don't kill their villains, Goku specifically let Vegeta live so if those are his inspirations the choice to kill every villain is weird to say the least.

I can make the argument that MHA fails as any kind of meaningful commentary on comics in general because it doesn't seem to understand the comics it is taking inspiration from. The X-Men are the underdogs in their story, not members of the privileged class they are the outcasts. Batman doesn't kill people because he believes that most of his mentally ill victims turned villains deserve a second chance and he can't dictate who deserves recovery and who doesn't.

If anyone reading this post is curious, here are posts by @siflshonen that discuss both the manga influences and comic infleunces easter and western infleunces on MHA, and also the cultural ones. They are also really long posts because those topics require a great length to discuss critically. This one is about MHA's manga DNA in regards to Bakugo's character, and specifically references Yu-Gi-Oh and Kaiba's character as well as Jonouchi as response for Bakugo's development arc from bully to best friend. This one discusses more about the nuances of collectivism. This one is in reference to the Todoroki family, it discusses both collectivism / japanese family roles / honnae and tatamae concepts that the Todofam is critiqueig, and also how Enji is inspired by eastern ideas of heroes while All Might is inspired by western ones. (Therefore it's not a wrong critical lens to compare MHA to other shonen manga and western comics because that is literally what the manga is taking inspiration from and commenting on).

Here's a powerpoint presentation by @sans-san that discussed Hegemonic Masculinity in Tokyo Ghoul in terms of work culture and how the CCG is inspired by that, which I think also applies to Enji's character as well.

This post by @bnhaobservation spoke about how the Todorokis decision for not disavowing or abandoning Toya after he was sentenced to life in prison would still be a progressive ending to the TODOFAM arc, and while I still wouldn't have been satisfied by that ending I'd at least be able to accept it. That is however, not what we got, we got Toya dying a slow agonizing death while hooked up to life support. So we could have still gotten a slightly softer ending where Toya's at least allowed to live that would have still been in line with the values of the culture that produced MHA.

This post by @bnhaobservation also talks about how the Todofam plotline can still be seen as progressive in some ways in regards to his criticism of Enji's parenting, because of certain outdated attitudes of parenting that still exist about Enji pushing Shoto to his absolute limits.

However, I don't want to debate the person who sent the ask, I just wanted to clarify I'm not trying to make a reductive statement that sociopolitical circumstances have nothing to do with Hori's writing choices, but that you can also analyze it from a lens of genre, commentary on comics and shonen manga, and also the predecessors he's taking inspiration from. All of these things have an inspiration on Hori's storytelling choices.

Since I'd rather not debate, now that I've gotten clarifying things out of the way I'm actually going to use this post as a book reccommendation.

Here's Shigaraki with Underground, one of my favorite books. It is a non-fiction work from famed fiction author Haruki Murakami about the Saren Gas attacks.

On a clear spring day in 1995 five members of a religious cult unleashed poison gas in the Tokyo Subway system. In an attempt to discover why, Haruki Murakami talks to the people who lived through the catasrophe and lays bare the Japanese Psyche.

For those who are unaware the Saren Gas attacks were a terrorist attack where members of the Aum Shirikyo cult released saren gas in the public subway system. It is the biggest japanese terrorist attack in modern japanese history and at the time and even the modern day it was a great shock to them as a whole.

The book consists of several interviews with the victims of the attack, and they are incredibly harrowing to read I remember crying while reading this book multiple times. However, at the end of the book after giving considerable time to let the victims share their stories Haruki Murakami also devotes space in the book to interviewing former members of the Aum Shirikyo cult.

Haruki clarifies his intent in his decision to include testimonial from the cult in the afterword of the novel. "As I worked on this book I attended several of the trials of the defendants of the Tokyo Gas attack. I wanted to see and hear those people with my own eyes ad ears, in order to come to some understanding of who they were. I also wanted to know what they were thinking now. What I found there was a dismal, gloomy, hopeless scene. The court was like a room with no exit. There must have been a way out in the beginning, but now it had become a nightmarish chamber from which there was no escape. [...] To all of them I posed the same question, that is, whether they regretted having joined Aum. Almost everyone answered: "No, I have no regrets. I don't think those years are wasted" Why is that? THe answer is simple - because in Aum they found a purity of purpose theycould not find in ordinary society. Even if in the end it became something monstrous, the radiant, warm memory of the peace they originally found remains inside them and nothing else can replace it. [...] However, as I went through the process of interviewing these Aum members and former members, one thing I felt quite strongly was that it was't spite of being part of the elite that they went in that direction, but because they were a part of the elite. [...] However, we need tor ealize that most of the people who join cults are not abnormal; they're not disadvantaged; they're not eccentrics. They are people who live average lives (and nmaybe from the outside, more than average lives), who live in my neighborhood and yours.

Haruki interviews members of Aum Shirikiyo because he wants to make the point that the people in these cult aren't from a dangerous fringe element of japanese society, but rather they are normal people, some of them even highly educated. The capacity to commit those crimes exists in normal people, and also the capacity to fall victim to a cult.

The Ikuhara anime Mawaru Penguindrum is heavily inspired by both the Saren Gas attacks and the questions that Haruki Murakami asked in the Underground. Fully covered here in this article: Exploring Mawaru Penguindrum 2011 from a historical, cultural and literary perspective here.

Underground was Murakami’s attempt to interview survivors of the Sarin Subway Attack. Apart from learning the perspectives of ordinary citizens involved in that shocking incident, he also managed to interview several members of Aum Shinrikyo and tried to get their point of view on the matter. (In the Japanese edition of the book, the interview with the cult members were published in a separate book, titled The Place that was Promised.) It was an important piece of journalistic work that criticized the public’s attitude of questioning what happened, instead of asking the proper question of why it had happened. In the anime, viewers knew that an event took place in 1995 that affected all the characters, but what exactly was the event about? Why did the people do that? What social factors attributed to the occurrence of such event? These are the questions that Mawaru Penguindrum asked, and one that we were left to ponder on.

Ikuhara and Murakami both exist in the same culture as Horikoshi, Haruki is an incredibly prolific japanese author and he was born in 1945 but both of them are able to ask more meaningful questions about the society they live in then Horikoshi accomplishes with the league of villains and the todoroki family. Haruki Murakami emphasizes the humanity of the aum shirikyo members and that they are not lunatic fringe members, and Mawaru Penguindrum is about the extreme social pressures that people especially children can be a victim of.

Literature is influenced by the culture it takes place in, but it's also a response to that influence and the piece of art that Horikoshi wrote just isn't as thoughtful of a response than what was written by both Ikuhara and Murakami.

More book recommendations if you're interested. The Setting Sun, by Osamu Dazai. Pachinko by Min Jin Lee. How do you Live? by Genzaburo Yoshino. In the Miso Soup by Ryo Murakami. People who Eat Darkness by Richard Lloyd Perry. Night on the Galactic Railroad by Kenji Miyazawa (I'd argue this is an example of good collectivism). The Memory Police by Yuko Ogawa. Out by Natsuo Kirino. There was a couple more I wanted to include but they had cannibalism in them so I thought it better not to reccommend them.

[carnalhaus]

I know people usually ask about your art, but I've fell in love with your writing ngl, whenever I see bits of it on here and tiktok. It's as if I'm reading extracts from some famous author, it sounds so professional. I guess it would be a harder question to answer but do you have any tips on how to improve storytelling/writing?

you caught me at a good time because i’ve been working on the second draft of long bright dark like a madman.

first of all, thank you berry much. that’s pretty surprising honestly because i always thought my writing came off pretty rushed and awkward, but i think everybody is their own worst critic.

now i’m probably the worst person to ask because nothing i ever do is about improving, but i can try and talk a little bit about what helps me generally. something i discovered relatively recently was that making friends with other writers helps a lot. i’m very reclusive so i was a bit nervous about it, but it’s a lot of fun. it’s good to surround yourself with people who inspire you and motivate you. it’s like parallel play, almost. bounce ideas around, send snippets and blurbs, talk. i read the first two chapters of my friends novel last night and it was like i took a shot of meth, and now it’s four in the morning and i’m still writing.

i would also say don’t be afraid to let it marinate. step away, stop looking at it for a little, and go look at other things instead. read other things, watch stuff, listen to music, go places. strings of words that’ve come to me while doing other things have ended up being some of my best lines. if you look at what you’re doing for too long, it gets all funhouse-y. while you’re reading other things, try not to compare either. structure, prose, and stylization is unique from person to person just like any other kind of art. have fun and play around with what you see instead, incorporate elements you find interesting and see how it fits in for you. literally just play.

don’t be afraid to rewrite things completely. i think most people think of this as draft 1 vs draft 2 etc etc, but i think it can really apply anywhere in the process. if i find myself getting stuck on a particular paragraph, i open up something completely new and start the portion from scratch, keeping in mind the lines that i liked, and trying to reword things that bothered me. i tend to get distracted with so many things on a page at once, and end up not being able to tell what’s irritating me when i’m stuck. working through it from the beginning without jumping around, but still having that original there to refer back to, makes it much easier to sort through.

this is a fun one, but the music you listen to while you write might be fucking you up. just the other day a friend of mine mentioned how she tends to listen to music without lyrics while she writes, because lyrics end up distracting her. turns out i focus much better when i don’t have words in my ears. i’m not that disciplined so i don’t stick to it always, but it definitely helps me focus.

similarly, i think your environment in general can really help. i tend to draft things on my phone because ideas come to me very quick and scrambled, and it’s the best way to get them out. i’ve started to sit down with a drink at my computer and transfer it into a proper document to sort of descramble. even silly stuff like the colors and format of the page can help. make it look fun. i like sitting down at my desktop when im able because i think my pink fancy keyboard helps me feel more professional.

if you have questions about anything specific, i can always try and answer. here’s an unedited lbd passage.

[utilitycaster]

anyway this is obviously a wild shift in the topic of conversation, but I was talking about it in the group chat last night as a distraction and would like to continue the distraction if I am being honest, so, with the caveat that this is based off of Fandom Osmosis Observations and a few reads of reviews and I have at this time played neither of these games, some thoughts about BG3 vs. Veilguard and what I've seen. many thanks to @captainofthetidesbreath for actually knowing things about video games and answering my many questions.

also just putting this up front with all said caveats: if you disagree that is great, I am very open that this is an outside observation and I could be very wrong but I am going to block people who get hostile without warning, and make this nonrebloggable if too many people get hostile. You are always permitted to disagree but like, I don't really care about your opinion if you're not someone with whom I have a pre-existing rapport unless idk you're like, actually a BG3 or Veilguard official story writer who happens to be on Tumblr. If you're a player? You have all of your own biases and they are not mine. Save it for someone who wants to get in a fight about this; I am not that person.

Essentially, what I've seen in terms of criticism from Veilguard that isn't just rampant transphobia comes down to the following:

why am I not playing my previous character from Inquisition again

why am I limited to a fairly consistent through line for the story

But first, I'm going to talk about BG3. What's funny is I seem like a much more obvious candidate for playing BG3, as a longtime D&D player who has come around on Forgotten Realms as a setting. However, while I looked at it for a while, I eventually lost interest for a couple of reasons. One is that apparently all the characters are WAY too eager to romance you which is like, a fun fantasy for 10 minutes but would probably annoy me in the long run. Another is that everyone who watched early reviews and kept abreast with the game told me that there was a clear favorite companion (Astarion) and that many of the characters had most of their interesting flaws sanded down (eg: Wyll was apparently much cockier originally; Shadowheart even more petulant; and as these are perhaps the two characters I was most intrigued by, reducing them to something blander destroyed much of the appeal). But perhaps the most interesting one is that as a boring goodie two shoes sort of person, my thought back when I was like "yeah, perhaps I will play this" was "oh, I do not want to have a murderous urge within me."

It became very apparent, through watching people play through and post on my dash, that if you didn't specifically play as the Dark Urge, and didn't specifically resist that urge, the story didn't really cohere. I have to admit, I know the premise of BG3 very well (tadpoles), and I know a lot of shipping trends (put a pin in that), and I know some of the more obvious points within it (Astarion is a vampire, Gale and Karlach both have bombs in their chests somehow, Shadowheart bleaches her hair) but I don't really have a great sense of the ending, and I did not avoid spoilers.

It feels like BG3 is designed for people who have one of those massive spreadsheets of D&D characters they haven't had a chance to play that are meticulously kept and thoroughly realized...and don't really leave room for modifying to fit the campaign you will actually be playing in. It feels like an OC sandbox simulator unless you do actually pick the choice the writers actually wrote for (Durge), and while it's not technically playersexual...it kinda is. I mean, I am a big fan of the trend in video games towards making it possible to romance anyone because it conjures up the idea of a world of high-powered bisexuals running around, which is very enjoyable for me, but the criticism of the Mary Sue archetype originally was never "how dare you fantasize about being cool." It was "wow, the characterizations are all warped beyond recognition solely so that everyone is in love with this character, and that makes for a dull and unsatisfying story." If you're everyone's type, and it's for romance and not just sheer lust, then either everyone around you is boring and wants the same thing, or you are sort of bland and inoffensive, or else the story is bashing characters together without a good basis for a compelling romance. This is also compounded by the fact that the companions can't get together with each other if you're playing your own character and not an Origins character.

None of this is to say it's bad to like BG3 and again, I didn't play it; but it is why I ultimately said "you know, given the effort involved to play it for me, a person without a gaming system, it's not worth it."

Veilguard has specifically intrigued me for going against a lot of this. You have a lot of choices in your character build, but they're all fairly thematically consistent: you did something within your faction that was well-intentioned but upset higher-ups and so you need to step away for a while. This establishes a personality for you! We know why you're part of a faction but also something of a free agent at the moment. We know why you're here and why you might be a good candidate for the current mission.

I'm not going to go into detail for the choices because while I'm not avoiding spoilers I don't want to spoil a relatively new game for others, but a lot of choices are fairly parallel, not in an "illusion of choice" way - they have consequences - but in terms of hitting similar themes. You can only save one city and both are places you have seen and places your companions have connections to; while the exact details may differ you are telling a consistent story.

I also think the fact that the companions can romance each other in your absence is important too! They exist even when you're not there. They are not just here to woo you, and indeed, they might be a better match for each other. I've been informed this is true in Inquisition as well, and I think it's a much more rich world if you, as the player, as the person who can ultimately decide the fates of your companions, aren't the center of their personal life. I also think it prevents the ability to sand down companions to be more agreeable to you as a player if you have to make an NPC/NPC romance compelling (and I will freely admit that, in a move that is not at all like me, I was pretty well sold by a potential in-game NPC/NPC romance, which is usually not the thing that gets me into works of fiction).

I'm not the right person to speak to the Inquisitor not being a significant character because I did not play DA:I, and I get that 'well, this is a new game with a new protagonist, as there has been for every Dragon Age game' is still not necessarily an adequate explanation. Nor is "hey, maybe it's good to attract new players" even though as someone who is highly attracted as a new player that is my opinion. However, I want to go back to the point about Resist Durge being the strongest option in BG3 in terms of story by a long shot. When I was trying to learn more, I said "ok, so just like how you're Tav in BG3 and Rook in Veilguard, you're Lavellan in Inquisition, right?" and was told that you are not - that's just the elvish Inquisitor option. Obviously this is anecdotal, but the fact that one option was far and away the most popular and thematically resonant is an indication that perhaps bringing forth the Inquisitor is carrying over some of the limitations of that game, whatever they may be. The true argument is "they are trying to tell a specific story here, and it is about a different POV than the one you previously had."

And that's really my point. I know I'm not an expert here - in fact I'm usually quite hesitant to write meta about things in which I'm not highly steeped, and very critical of those people who do - but I think an outsider perspective is useful here. The thing that is drawing me to video games is a new way to experience a fictional narrative (the other game I have been meaning to play - and even own on Steam- is Disco Elysium). That's not what everyone wants! But it is what I want. And so I want to be put into a developed, thoughtful narrative, and I don't mind if my choices are restricted in order to support it, and if I am playing a person I did not entirely choose. In tech, there is a saying of "make it easy to make the right choice (and hard to make the wrong one)" and so if you need your protagonist to hit certain beats, you should make that the required protagonist.

I think a story is stronger if your choices matter but if there is something of a foregone conclusion because it gives the writers thematic throughlines. This might sound a little silly given that this blog is largely dedicated to Actual Play but the thing is, most actual play does have, if not a foregone conclusion, at least a strongly intended conclusion of "work towards uncovering this mystery and achieving this goal", though the success of said goal is not guaranteed. I would argue that when a campaign lacks that, it tends to suffer in all aspects. RPG video games almost always have a foregone conclusion, but that's its own liability. In actual play, lacking a forgone conclusion means you spin off in any direction and it's anyone's guess if it's coherent. In an RPG, having this conclusion but not supporting it through the rest of the game will make it feel contrived. I feel a lot of Veilguard criticism is focusing on small contrivances early on that really mostly matter to a highly specific subset of potential players that prevent much larger and less forgiveable contrivances later on.

Anyway. Again, I am an outsider here, and I'm not here to say that it's bad to have a more open-world, sandboxy game with a self-insert-y OC type; but I have to be honest, I'd rather explore that in a true sandbox of fanfiction or original fiction, which is significantly cheaper and in which I can actually tell the entire story I want to tell. I don't want to be given more choices if a lot of them will be profoundly unsatisfying as a narrative. I don't want to cut through the world like a hot knife through butter. I want to be affected by it, and that's very hard to do with a character whose only trait is "self-insert whom everyone wants to fuck" or "guy that already carries the baggage of years of personal headcanons and highly variable choices that are hard to account for for every single person who ever played the previous game."

[omppupiiras]

why think about work stuff at work when you can think about one Jere Pöyhönen all day instead and get paid for it - so here's my rambly thoughts about what has been happening lately 🫡 but tl;dr: i'm not going anywhere

Firstly, it has been a bit tiring being a Käärijä fan lately, because it's been one thing after another. Being his fan has been such a fun experience for so long that it's a bit jarring how many times shit can hit the fan, so to speak. So I understand if it gets to be too much for people, and I think it's totally fair to take a step back from something if it no longer brings you joy. In fact that is a very healthy thing to do, haha.

But to me, he hasn't done anything terrible or unforgivable. My feelings have ranged from being annoyed to disappointed, but I was never really angry about any of it. I have vented a lot because he's definitely not above my criticism, but I only criticise him because I still care. I don't think he's suddenly changed or become a terrible person.

The way he went about OF was very disappointing to me, but I also always thought that he didn't make me pay for it, I chose to do that. I find it nasty how willing he was to ask for that much money for so little in return with 0 transparency, but now I definitely know better than to give him my money for his plain ass pics lol

And as for the nf/ts, I barely knew what those were before this whole mess and I'm not sure if I fully grasp it even now, but obviously I wish they wouldn't have messed with them. Not disclosing them with the raffle was a bad look for sure. They probably got sold a nice deal and they did it with all the best intentions, or maybe they didn't do enough research, or they just didn't care.. but I hope hope hope they heard enough criticism that they know better than to do it again.

I understand that some people don't like them doing paywalled content, but personally I would have happily paid for the euro-tour pass thing had it been on some other site. Jere made us very aware that the european tour last year wasn't profitable, so I think something like this COULD have been a cool thing to help them make money while giving fans who could pay for it some extra content. I doubt Käärijä would keep touring outside of Finland if they couldn't figure out how to make it profitable. Jere certainly didn't seem to think doing it for exposure made sense.

I'm not sure I have much to say about last night's drama, so to speak. At first him joking about having no money felt in bad taste to me, but after watching a video of it, I didn't think it was that serious. However I can see how him joking about having no money in front of his fans who have given him so much of theirs can come across icky, but humor is very subjective.

So yeah. I'm not going anywhere! but who knows, he could go drunk driving tomorrow and hit a puppy dog & I would drop him like a hot potato, but until that day... I'll be here for as long as he interests me as an artist and makes music I enjoy 💚

[sparrow-in-the-field]

I finished watching lady baseball show last night and I have a lot of thoughts!! Some of them controversial?? Perhaps lol. Let's see!

First and most importantly, I really enjoyed the show! Anything critical I say is said with love lol. Overall it was a good show!

I loveddddd Clance. Clance and Max's friendship was everything to me (probably a post of its own but straight/gay friendships hold such a special place in my heart). I love them, they were so so so good I want to protect them at all costs. Clance was so wonderfully witty, she was cracking me up the whole show.

I also adored Lupe and Jess. If it was up to me Lupe would have been the mc of the Peaches. She was such an interesting and complex character who exhibited growth throughout the season and I loved every scene with her. And she's hot but that's not the point.

Jess too! I would have loved more time with Jess, I also ate up all of her scenes. And she looks like a butch version of my wife so she was also hot but again not the point. I'm not saying for sure that some Jess/Lupe fics could be coming, but... I'm not not saying it either.

Alright my controversial (or maybe not idk) take: I wasn't a big fan of Carson/Greta...whoops. idk I just didn't think they had great chemistry, it felt like a lot of telling rather than showing. They were supposed to really like each other but a lot of their scenes together they kinda just seemed annoyed/mad at each other 😬 idk sorry to my fellow lesbians I have failed you.

My conspiracy theory is that if the show was supposed to be multiple seasons then Greta/Carson was never meant to be end game and it was actually Carson/Max end game but idk that's probably not realistic with the times but I mean. At least they seemed to actually like each other don't kill me lol

Another big reason why I think Greta/Carson doesn't work well is because their relationship isn't reflected in the game. A huge component of sports shows/films is the sport being a reflection of real life, especially the relationships of people involved (see for more: my obsession with tbitb coxstroke). Baseball is the perfect game for this because it has an incredibly important dynamic/relationship within the game: catcher and pitcher. It absolutely baffled me that they didn't have the main couple be the catcher and pitcher (cough Carson/Max, cough). And tbh? Maybe not romantically, but Carson and Lupe's dynamic was far more interesting to me than Greta and Carson, because I got to see how it matter on the field. Greta and Carson barely played off each other in the sport, it was mind boggling to me.

On a similar note, I loved whenever the show was focused around baseball. I feel like they kind of lost that in places, and whenever we'd get back to an actual game where we'd get to see them play I'd be like "man I love this!" What can I say, I love a good sports film!

Sometimes the pacing of the show felt off to me. Like certain plot points they'd squeeze in and resolve pretty quickly even if they felt like a big deal, while others felt drawn out longer than they needed to be. Idk, writing a first season of a show is probably hard so I get it, just something that bugged me in a "I see so much potential, it just needed a little more tweaking" way.

As a fan of the og movie too, it was cute to see the little nods they made to it throughout the show. I kept having to explain them to my wife cuz she hasn't seen it lol (like when they started singing in the last episode my wife was like "...what is happening" lmaoo)

I think those are my main points. Anyway I enjoyed it and I'm sad it's over. Mwah I love you lesbian baseball show, I wish you had lasted longer so I could find out if my conspiracy was right. The end.

[omegalomania]

everything is lit, except my serotonin

"what a time to be alive" is probably one of my favorite songs on the new record. that's not really a hard sell, though; i struggle to pick favorites at the best of times and by this time tomorrow, my favorite track will likely be a different one. but there's something about this track that i keep circling back to, for a multitude of reasons.

this one has proven a little contentious. critics don't quite get it, and even people who love the song will say that it's a little off-putting lyrically, primarily because of those lines in the chorus: "everything is lit, except my serotonin / everything is lit but my lightning-bolt brain". i'm not going to say outright that critics scoffing at the obvious earth, wind, and fire influence is one of those delightful instances of antiblack racism that's so common in music criticism, but i'd be lying if i said i didn't suspect that was a factor. but more to the point, that line in the chorus hit me a little harder than i expected it to.

patrick has stressed repeatedly that the majority of "what a time to be alive" was written before the pandemic. the lyrics to the bridge are the only parts that reference the pandemic specifically, but the rest of the song feels oddly prescient as it discusses how it feels like the end of the world...probably because in 2019, for some of us, especially those on the west coast, it did feel like the end of the world. pete wentz lives in los angeles, and thus probably got a very clear picture of this as it happened in real time. wildfires have always been an issue on the west coast, but by 2017, they started picking up in speed and scope, in large part due to the effects of climate change. the year after that, they got worse. the third year in a row this happened, it cemented that this was going to be a pattern, which is exactly what happened. today, the last third or so of the year is generally regarded as "fire season," when risk of wildfires becomes extremely high, power outages are common, and evacuations are anticipated.

i live in a fire zone. every year since 2017, i've had to evacuate my home regularly, or i know someone else who has. at this point, it's pretty well-established as routine. the first time this happened, it felt like the end of the world - watching neighbors' houses go up in smoke, housing displaced family members or friends who'd been evacuated themselves or actually lost their homes. by the time the pandemic happened, fire season hadn't actually died, either; we were carrying out evacuations while masked, and often without power (and thus no easy way to get news as to what was happening).

here's a thing about living in a fire zone. there are nights when you're going off no sleep and you're watching the ember-glow on the horizon at the early hours of the morning and thinking that it could almost be considered pretty, in a dark and dismal kind of way. there are days when the smoke haze is so heavy that you never get to see the sun but it makes the air hot and thick and it burns in your lungs. the smell of smoke becomes choking and omnipresent.

everything is lit, except my serotonin. everything is lit but my lightning-bolt brain.

i don't know if these lines were written about the wildfires in particular. it wouldn't surprise me if they were. there are a lot of moments in the song, the parts written pre-pandemic, that make me think that could've been the case: neon in the night-time and not caring if it's pretty because the view's so pretty from the deck of a sinking ship. livestreaming the apocalypse, because twitter feeds were literally the best way to get your news on whether your house might be next - if you had power and internet, that is. and not everyone did.

everything is lit but my lightning-bolt brain. it's kind of a silly line, and i understand being put off by it. it took me some time to warm to it too (pun absolutely intended). it's also a quadruple-entendre. everything is "lit" in the colloquial sense of being cool and exciting, sure, but it's also more or less how the human brain works. our brains are really just electricity, passing little bursts between all the neurons and synapses. on top of that, the sensation of feeling like electric shocks are passing through your skull, or "brain zaps," are a common symptom of withdrawal from antidepressants (which, among other things, are used to regulate someone's serotonin levels). and then there's the case of the world being on fire, literally. everything is lit except my serotonin. my lightning-bolt brain.

a memory:

i never actually stopped working through the pandemic, as i was considered an essential worker. the fires didn't let up either. a particularly horrible fire tore through a nearby area and that's the thing about fires: they turn the whole fucking sky vivid orange. i drove to work on a chilly autumn morning, the whole sky lit up in an orange glare. i stood for a minute in the freezing parking lot while flakes of ash overhead settled like snow onto my car, my hair, my clothes. somewhere, people's homes and livelihoods were burning, and in a matter of days or hours the wind could change and my home and friends could be next. so i walked through the falling ash and the sickly orange glow of the sky and did my temperature check at the door with my mask pulled up over the lower half of my face, and i got to work.

i remember that moment vividly because it was strange and surreal and eerie and it was probably the moment that felt most like the end of the world to me, or at least it did then. driving through town with the sky on fire and a disease tearing through the world and having to walk into work anyway. that's what this track reminds me of: the sheer, staggering surreality of watching everything fall apart, and then...you go to work, because what else are you supposed to do? you go to work. the world is ending. you go to work.

what a time to be alive.

[prince-koda]

Under the Weather

Bucky Barnes x GN!Reader

Word Count: 1105

CW: They/Them/Theirs used for reader, reader is on unspecified medication(s) for depressive traits, no physical descriptions of reader, avengers compound or bust.

AN: I have returned to bring another insanely self-indulgent post. I have been moving, still unemployed, and recently dealing with the physical effects of not taking care of myself while on medications which is no good. I'm also posted a little tip sheet with some of the things I try to do to help myself stay afloat when I'm feeling particularly down and unable to do anything.

Constructive criticism always appreciated.

Some days it feels impossible to get out of bed. With what felt like the weight of the world on their shoulders made their back ache and their stomach churn. The feeling of being a burden filled them with dread, terrified of losing everyone for being ‘too difficult’, ‘too distant’, ‘too hot and cold’.

Another night of restless sleep, hips hurting from all the tossing and turning. Left side, stomach, back, left side, right side; it never stopped. It wouldn’t be long before the familiar ache behind their eyes came back and made it hard to do anything without causing their head to pound. Too tired and nauseous to eat consistently only fed into the sad cycle.

The hole was getting deeper and harder to climb out of and it was frightening. Being tired and having a headache only works so well and for so long before it rings empty as a lazy attempt to avoid work and socializing.

They sat on their bed, attempting to push through the fog in their brain by rubbing their eyes and face. They needed to get up and at least go to the kitchen and get water so someone in the compound could see they were still alive, but even a short interaction made the task feel like a full blown mission.

2 knocks and a “hey” from the other side of the door was all it took to clear the fog. One deep breath and then they finally stood, pushing all they could into the back of their mind. The pit in their stomach was impossible to push away.

Once the door was opened, Bucky’s pretty eyes and low bun peaked in.

“How ya feeling? Any better?”  A small smile rested on his face as his eyes tried to subtly scope out the room, looking for any red flags. He had to make sure his paranoia was just that: paranoia.

“I didn’t sleep very well, but I feel a little better.” A partially truthful answer quietly slipped from their lips.

Bucky quietly hummed in response, pausing for a moment as he struggled to find his words. What neither party expected was for the door to open wider, ushering Bucky inside. Both hearts fluttered at the reality of finally seeing one another face to face. It was time for them to take baby steps.

“Sam was telling me about this movie, I don’t remember the name, but he texted it to me and I was thinking we could watch it together. I can get snacks and everything.” He offered as he stepped into the room, allowing him to continue his search for any clues; anything that could help him understand what to do.

Like he normally did, he took a seat at the desk in the corner, spinning the chair to face the entire room. It wasn’t his space; even after being invited plenty of times, he feared coming off as too comfortable. 

“I’m not sure I’m feeling good enough for a group thing.” Was the quiet response, hoping that would suffice. After closing the door, they shuffled slightly to sit at the end of the messy bed. 

“Oh.” He had noticed the room was the same. It looked the exact same way it did last time he was over. Nothing in the room seemed to have been used since then other than the bed. He figured they’d done nothing, but lay in bed. He clear his throat quietly. “I meant just you and me, but there’s no pressure. Sam had said it was something you’d probably like.” Another partially true statement. He slyly omitted the part that he had been the one to reach out to Sam about what was playing in theaters.

“It’s just-” A sigh followed by a short pause. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

Finally, no more half truths.

“It feels like I just can’t… feel, I guess.”  They played with their hands in their lap, eyes downcast. “My meds are supposed to help, but there must be something wrong with me.” It wasn’t a secret they had their ups and downs, but Bucky had never experienced a down like this. Unreturned messages and calls happened sometimes, seemingly being asleep anytime someone came to their door and the secret, quiet sobs after they thought whoever was at the door left; those were new.

“How can I help?” After hesitating, he pushed the chair closer to the end of the bed, slightly shortening the distance between the two. Earnestly, all he wanted was to help. He’d set the world on fire to help.

They felt their throat tighten. It felt as though the second they opened their mouth, they’d sob. Instead, they chose to shrug.

“Do you want me to leave? I can head out and maybe drop off some food if you want.” He didn’t want to leave for even a second.

Shakily, but quickly they said “No.”  They tightened their grip on their hands, wringing them now. “I-” their voice cracked, “You make me feel better.”

Now Bucky was sure he was going to cry. Before he could find his word, they had finally stopped strangling their hands, quickly pressing the heels of their palms into their eyes for a moment, before finally looking at Bucky.

“I’m probably just tired from not sleeping very well.” They tried giving a chuckle, downplaying the days and days of not having the energy to do anything besides get up to use the restroom or grab some water from the bathroom tap.

“You take care of me when I don’t feel good, the least I can do is return the favor. We can call your doctor and-?” Bucky pushed forward in his chair again, his knees almost bumping into theirs.

“You don’t owe me anything Buck.” They scoffed, eyes falling again from his conviction.

“That’s not what I meant. I’d help you even if you punched me in the gut every day.” He knocked his knee against theirs. “Maybe I can con Sam to bring us some food and we can make fun of some low budget films.” Dipping his head for any eye contact.

When they peeked up, they gave a little nod. “I’d appreciate that.” Bumping Bucky back with their knee.

“Maybe some sandwiches? Plain enough to upset your stomach?” Bucky wasn’t unfamiliar with trying to eat after an extended period without food.

A soft smile, the first real one in what he felt like was centuries, graced their face.

“I really appreciate you, Bucky. Don’t tell Sammy, but you’re my favorite.”

“Like he doesn’t already know that.” Bucky smiles back.

Baby steps.