#labels applied or not IS UP TO THE INDIVIDUAL STOP TRYING TO CONTROL EVERYTHING FUCK

[thatdeaffeel]

Same anon about disability label: I think it’s valid about the context having an effect on the use of it but how are my thoughts ableist? I’d never condemn someone for not identifying as disabled, like I said, because labels are such personal things. But the fact that you equate the word disability as “less than” IS a problem and is what I’m talking about of people being ableist. Why do you look at disabled people and automatically assume they’re less than the abled? The disability community has been trying to empower ourselves by stepping away from that sort of narrative for centuries. It isn’t that *we* are the problem, it’s that society is not built with us in mind. And isn’t that exactly what the deaf community also thinks about the hearing community? I’m so confused about the fact that some people are basically alienating multi-disabled people from the subject of deafness and its culture and how it relates to disability. It doesn’t have to be all one thing. You can have culture that is specific to deaf people’s experiences, away from the hearing community, and not completely erase disability from it. Especially when you consider the fact that the disability justice movement (as far as I’m aware) has always been inclusive of deaf people who identify as disabled and they work to help gain things like accommodations and rights that we all deserve. Without the rest of the disability community fighting alongside us, we probably would not be where we are today. I don’t think it means we owe other disabled people anything, of course, but shouldn’t we consider being inclusive and understanding of their culture too, if not only because it overlaps so much with the deaf community?

I am a disabled person.

I don't look at disabled people as less than. It's not what I've said, not what I've intended to express and not a view im comfortable with you projecting onto me.

You're putting a lot of words into my mouth that i haven't spoken, you've gotten upset at a label I've mentioned OTHER PEOPLE reject.

Whether a singular deaf person or the wider deaf community reject or accept the label of disability has absolutely fuck all to do with me.

I haven't specified where i stand.

You have though. In your every insistence of my opinion that you don't know.

Stop treating me like an envoy to an entire culture.

You ignored the crux of my argument and what i intended to say, albeit poorly it seems, for a perceived slight.

Said more explicitly; You're preoccupation with labels as identity is not universal. Whether a deaf person or the wider deaf community use those labels does not concern you.

I do not speak for all deaf people. When i answer vaguely as I did before it is because you are forcing me to speak for all deaf people.

Kindly, wither.

[crackcrocs]

DEATH WILL ONLY BE THE BEGINNING #8

8. Survighter!

Seeming like a strong person but really having awful mental health on top of being a survivor & a fighter is embarrassing as fuck I can’t lie. Yeah mental health & trauma are factors as to why I am the way I am. I’m trying to reconstruct & upgrade myself man but in order to fully move forward I need to deconstruct. 

I feel like when you break your hand or something & get a cast everyone comes to sign it & feels all sympathetic, when it’s mental health cos you can’t see it- in the past when I’ve deeply opened up about it people run the other way & don’t even actually care or apply empathy let alone sympathy (which I hate) they don’t try imagine how deep routed the pain is. ‘It’s all in your head’ EXACTLY that is the problem, being @ war with your own thoughts & being unable to switch the thoughts off every second of the day is not a hobby/

I’m not putting my good people in the same boat as those ass holes, sometimes I genuinely just don’t. know. how..?

coupled with other things, Borderline Personality Disorder is fucking horrible to live with. BPD affects how I function in every aspect of my life & trying to be ‘normal’ takes everything in me.

women wit BPD usually get misdiagnosed because they endure & suppress their feelings to an excruciating length. sometimes I feel so different & my head functions & interests feel so far out there to me I wonder if I’m autistic. I also don’t care bout labels as I feel they don’t define me. but it helps me knowing what I have and gaining knowledge on how to manage it not just survive n feel like I’m coping.

As of now it’s the BPD that drives me nuts; it’s like bipolar but on steroids if uno any people who suffer from that. I don’t expect all my friends to educate themselves on how horrible this mental illness is but I let it be known.

replying can feel like such an effort when stressed even if it’s people I love. I think it’s a thing of not wanting to only communicate stress to people, like not wanting to add to their worries even knowing they could potentially help n a conversation with them is deft going be beneficial; but also physically Feeling unable to communicate cos we are a generation of lost connections.

I guess in the past year n more so since lock down I’ve come to some understanding on how I function or I’m @ least trying & don’t have anything shitty holding me back from my progress or keeping me in a selfish captive, further adding to the trauma Pie.

I’ve been thrown a bit overboard since Tai passing & I’ll say it again & again until I can say the words ‘I feel stable again’ with chest. Thankfully I have regained a segment of strength to keep going whatever does happen, in comparison to the first 2 weeks of finding out which was hell.

I guess I just wish everyone around me like my fam n that n even society were as open & questioned themselves on a similar level. I’m not saying I’m a know it all- but there is a power in knowing & truly expressing oneself.

Sometimes I feel conversations can be so superficial / limited but then I have amazing people around me n I’m like Damn I couldn’t have scored a bunch of m8’s like this if I was an uncool idiot

i care more about the people around me than I do myself, even if I don’t express that, it’s because I look @ me & all my friends as equals, & sometimes I equally deserve to recharge my energy positively in the way that I put out positive energy to my friends when I do see them. I am just every weary & cautious because I have or had too much love n heart n I would die twice if I let myself get stepped on ever again. the people around me inspire me & keep me going in a way that I could never put into words how thankful I am. so I’m sorry if it feels that I don’t care or I am faking shit n stringing people along due to my lack of consistency in which in turn makes me seem like an absolute dick when luv is all we all need m8

10% of BPD individuals will die by suicide & i don’t want to prove that statistic to be right.. I don’t wanna join the 10% but like it’s not like I’m like this for fun??! it’s shitty when one of the dumb voices in my head tells me everyday that I’m a replaceable waste of space n would be better off dead. I hold myself back. It’s me vs me. escape / isolation is what I be on when I be deeping life because it feels like I’ll just suck the life out of everything for everyone. It isn’t your fault or any of my mates or family, I’m not just going to ask folk to be my doctor or therapist, I can just ask you to understand & I’m a person with A LOT of depth. you’d probably be disgusted if you stepped in my brain.

but I can’t change the fact my brain is wired differently from enduring a cycle of abuse. I’m sorry but for that I cannot apologise. Its a wonderful world n you’re a beautiful human, sometimes I feel trapped & I’m honestly just trying to escape the madness.

I just need to get into my head that conversation isn’t dreading & people that love/ care bout me don’t mind however depressing my energy Is & jus my being is enough. I NEED to get into the habit of phoning even if jus short chats. It’s just hard to. this year more than any other one because I was suffering in silence all those years, I finally decided to speak up & I'm in the process of clearing my plate, so in this time it is unfair on the happiness of the people around me when all I have to talk about is the same repetitive shit I’m going through.

It’s hard to say goodbye to people especially if you feel like you didn’t get the chance to say what you needed to say. I’m not trying make excuses but I needed time to mourn, I know it’ll never stop hurting but I needed time to make space in my heart for positivity. Tai was very significant part of my life. we all have different coping mechanisms n I am not an energy vampire, I am someone who doesn’t like to depend on people as a source of happiness & learning to accept help is something I’ve always had hard cos the people I’ve been damaged by have always been the ones closest to me, & I’m @ point where I’ve got great people in my life & trust;my problem is how do I consistently open up without feeling vulnerable, when I was literally trained to lie for a paedophile. preserving thoughts to myself is my forte & I hate myself for it.

It has been a roller-coaster of emotion & I’m sure everyone has enough stress on their plates already in this plandemic. but I just can’t bear the pain of Tai’s loss. & it sucks I feel annoying constantly going on about him because i know it’s not as personal to others and though might feel obligated to reply when I can’t expect you to know what to say back each time about it.

I also couldn’t promise consistency when Life has sucked the joy out my pum pum.

i  felt sick knowing the abuser got to go to the funeral & it was impossible for me to go because of my affiliation. I just wanted to die & for at least the first month I didn't have one sober day since Tai died. 

& I know i should just message but it’s been hard to be happy because Tai was the one good ting that came out of my abuse, so with him gone I felt no sense of direction & security even knowing people around me.

Suicide can be triggering for someone who has lived with suicidal thoughts & attempted it before, I guess part of my brain tries to convince me that if I don’t have people around me that care/ & I distance, it won’t matter so much when I’m gone. It’s a selfish way of being but I’ve also never had caring promising intimacy at the beginning of my experimenting phase. so I’m trying to overcome these thoughts & when I do reach out it’s because I do have the energy.

I guess all I can really ask for is understanding & patience, even that I don’t expect. I’d never ask or expect anyone to stick around.

To anyone with mental health, I’m sorry & you will get through. I don’t have the answers but do what makes you feel calm & close enough to happy-personally, I think it’s the purpose of life. hydrate & elevate my lovelies. moisturise too. If you have a voice in your head that makes you feel like you’re less than you are, invite your personalities to a table talk & tell the bitchy degrading shell part of your brain that’s preventing you from doing YOU, that it’s a bloody wankstain. but it CAN be great if you remind it that it’s in control & the power is yours!!! 

P.s: If you have an abuser in your life or something, expose them in whatever way is going to free you (be safe)!! if you’re friends with or know the child of your abuser but the child doesn’t know the parent abused you, I URGE YOU to express, firstly you have no idea if they were going through it too!! secondly don’t live with the regret of not telling your tale while you have the chance. You don’t deserve to feel silenced and like you need to protect any abuser!!!!!!

Peace and love

[drivingsideways]

Could you eleborate on your tags in this post? I really like your metas! If it's not too much trouble! /post/163702439009/do-you-think-flint-enjoys-violence

Hi anon! Well, I’m going to try and keep this short, but it’s about Flint. SO. :D 

I think @sidewaystime did a wonderful job of talking about how Flint’s relationship to violence is a complicated thing. What I was responding to was a post series Discourse that seems to be divided at the moment along whether Silver was ‘right’ to do what he did to stop the war or not. A lot of the argument for the “yes” side of that argument seems to rely on painting Flint as someone whose anger was entirely (a) born of reasons personal and (b) completely out of control. 

So let’s address (b) first. There are examples where Flint’s rage *is * out of control: Charlestown comes to mind, the Maria Aleyne, post Charlestown murders. In fact, post Charlestown and until the Maroon Island [i.e. until he resolves something within himself with the help of Dream-Miranda] is the closest I see him as being completely batshit insane with rage/sorrow/despair. But as I see it: at no point during this time is he unaware of the consequences of what he is feeling/ doing either to himself or other people. I bring this up because I think there’s a tendency to read Flint as unaware of his own True Motives. Some of this comes from the Miranda/Flint fight in 2.05  What she says (yells!), is that he hasn’t been “clear” about his goals TO OTHER PEOPLE. A corollary to that is that he hasn’t been open about what led him to this goal. And this is absolutely true. Flint discusses his grand plans with exactly two people before that- Gates and Eleanor, both of whom remain unaware of the tragedy that drove Flint to Nassau. Miranda is saying that without communication he is closing every door to achieving his goal except the one that leads to more violence. And this is where she says -paraphrased- [you are fighting for the sake of fighting, because that’s the only state you can function in]. And I think people have taken that and run with it as though it was an Eternal, Unchanging Truth about James. Although the very next thing that happens in the plot is that he listens to her and chooses a less violent path. 

And that’s the kind of thing I feel gets missed out: all the times he doesn’t choose a violent option even though it exists. Btw, that is a thing he has done from the first episode. Yes, he kills Singleton brutally, but hey, remember the literal first dialogue that we hear from him in the entire series is him putting a stop to his crew murdering someone? He listens to Eleanor, agrees to a dialogue with Vane in S2. He listens to Miranda about Ashe. Eleanor, again, in S4, in the middle of the freaking war, he allows himself to be taken hostage if it means there may be a chance to win the war without excessive bloodshed, even when that decision is hotly contested by his own people. 

This is not a man who is incapable of not choosing violence, it is a man who deploys violence strategically. This is a man capable of swallowing his pride and anger, if he sees a way to achieve his goal without violence. Is the Peaceful Way his first instinct? NO. But is he incapable of taking that path? NO. 

Here’s Flint in 3.10 telling his back story to Silver: 

Flint: Madness is such a hard thing to define, which makes it such an easy label to affix to one’s enemies. Once it had been applied to Thomas, once our relationship had been exposed, defiled, scandalized… everything ended. There were times that I was persuaded to sue for peace since then, but that was the day that on some level I knew… that England was broken… and that sooner or later a good man must resist it. [emphasis mine]

Ok, let’s back up a bit. Earlier in S3, Flint has a chance to end a war before it even starts, an offer he absolutely refuses.  Why does he? 

3.07, On the beach with Governor Rogers: 

Woodes Rogers: Lord Thomas Hamilton. I didn’t know him, but I understand you did. Miss Guthrie tells me you were part of the first effort with Lord Hamilton and Peter Ashe to introduce the pardon to Nassau. As with most things, the men first into the breach bear the heaviest casualties. But in the hindsight of victory, they were the ones whose sacrifice made it possible. Without Lord Hamilton’s efforts, your efforts, it’s likely I wouldn’t have been successful in my efforts to finally secure the pardon. All I have done here is finish what you began. I am now what you were then. And without you, there would be no me.

Flint: Clever.

Woodes Rogers:  Thank you.

Flint: So that’s what this is. We’re all reasonable men, we all want the same thing. You offer me a pardon, I accept it, this all ends? 

Woodes Rogers: Maybe. The pardons are on the table. No one is being hanged. No one’s even being tried. They’ve all been forgiven, just as you wanted. Just as Thomas Hamilton wanted. So what is it that you’re fighting for that I’m not already offering?

Flint: Thomas Hamilton fought to introduce the pardons to make a point. To seek to change England. And he was killed for it. His wife and I went to Charles Town to argue for the pardons, to make peace with England, and she was killed for it.England has shown herself to me. Gnarled and gray… and spiteful of anyone who would find happiness under her rule. [emphasis mine]

So here we go: Flint listens to Woodes Rogers’ proposal- which sounds exactly like what they were working toward just a few months ago?? But this time he refuses it. Because he sees right through it, and he recognizes that there is no possibility of reconciliation that does not include absolute surrender to England’s [”civilization’s”] Rules. The Rules that include continued slavery. That include men like him being condemned and ostracized. Woodes Rogers’ proposal sounds exactly like Thomas Hamilton’s- except that the intent was completely different- Thomas wanted to change the status quo and Rogers intends to preserve it. 

And you know what? He’s fucking right. Because literally the next fucking thing that happens when Flint refuses, is that Woodes Rogers ceases being “reasonable” and  ALSO tries the oldest trick in the book: gaslighting. 

Woodes Rogers: “ Then let us be very clear about something. I am reasonable in seeking peace. But if you insist upon making me your villain, I’ll play the part. So let us assume that, as of this moment, the unqualified pardon is no more. From this moment on, any man participating in the act of high seas piracy will be presumed to be one of your men, an enemy of the state. I will hunt him, I will catch him, and I will hang him. And while I am aware of your feelings on the subject, I am no backwater magistrate cowering in fear of you. You know where to find me. [emphasis mine]

Right: because somehow demanding freedom from slavery is “making [you] a villain”. 

What I mean to say in the above is that: Flint’s refusal to arrive at a compromise with England is not because he’s “out of control”, it’s because he is clear sighted about how systems of power work. He’s cut through all the bs that is “civilization” as per a colonial power and has found it to be rotten to the core. And that is what he pitches to the Maroon Queen: the absolute truth, not just about England (which she knows already) but also about the consequences. There is no certainty about anything- but trying is better than not. 

And now coming back to (a) which is that Flint’s anger is entirely personal. To which my answer is: of course it is. There are people who can devote themselves to larger causes and fight oppressions that they do not themselves experience personally, and I think those kind of people have amazing empathy, and may we all be more like them.

 But the sad truth is a large number of us do not wake up to systemic injustice until we experience it personally. And then what? Are we supposed to sit on our hands and say, ok, this anger of mine is really selfish because it has its beginnings in something awful that happened to me, and now that i recognize it doesn’t just happen to me, it happens to a whole lot of people both like and unlike me, but I’m not going to do anything about it-because maybe I’m playing out my own issues? 

But (i hear you say), this isn’t just about filing a petition on change.org, it’s literally starting a war. 

Ok, first off: I’ve said it before- the war is already on. Slavery is an act of war. Imprisonment of  “sexual deviants” is an act of war by the State on the individual (and larger queer community). Flint and Madi were attempting to change the terms of it. And secondly, let’s give rest to the idea that it was Flint alone who wanted a war. 

Mr.Scott to Madi: 

Mr.Scott: “ I wish you and I had not been so separate all those years.I wish I could have found a way to be a better father to you. But over time, I was determined to leave you something behind, to give you the one thing that no one could ever take away and that would make you strong enough to understand their world, interact with their world, wage war on their world. But if their identity lies in their stories, I wanted you to know them so that when we are ready to call them enemies, you would be ready for it.”  [emphasis mine]

This is an absolute recognition of what I was saying before: the war was ongoing. Mr.Scott and the Maroon Queen have spent a lifetime to prepare Madi to respond to the war on their people. In Flint, the Maroons had finally found an ally that could actually help them get somewhere. 

And as for Flint, the discovery of the Maroon Island led to another realization: and that was he no longer has to wage war alone. That there is solidarity to be had.  And that came at the end of the period where he was at his most self-destructively lonely. And having found himself on relatively stable ground again, he’s able to both articulate the effect and the use of rage/hatred. 

Here’s a conversation with Silver, in 3.09 about the punishment meted to Dobbs (over attacking one of the Maroon Crew)

Flint: That’s not why you did it.

Silver: Really? Would you like to tell me why I did it, then? 

Flint: Well, I wasn’t there, but, um, I’d hazard the guess that you learned of what had happened, told him how fucking stupid he was, and in that moment, he gave you a look that amounted to something less than contrite. And in that moment, you felt it. 

Silver: Felt what? 

Flint: Darkness. Hate. Showing indifference to the authority that you sacrificed so much to acquire, disdain for refusing to acknowledge that his actions, had you not intervened, would have led to an outcome that he would have held you responsible for reversing. Pride. Questioning what kind of man you are if you don’t seek retribution for the offense.

Silver:  So what are you saying? You saying I went too far with him?

Flint:  Maybe you went too far. Maybe you didn’t go far enough. Maybe you did it just right. The point is that while you were doing it, you heard a voice telling you that disciplining him would prevent him from repeating the offense, a voice that sounded like reason, and there was reason to it, as the most compelling lies are comprised almost entirely of the truth. But that’s what it does. Cloaks itself in whatever it must to move you to action. And the more you deny its presence, the more powerful it gets, and the more likely it is to consume you entirely without you ever even knowing it was there. Now, if you and I are to lead these men together, you must learn to know its presence well so that you may use it… Rather than it use you.  [emphasis mine]

Silver: You have some experience with this, I imagine, living in fear of such a thing within you? 

Flint: Yeah, I do.

Silver:  I can’t tell if this was a warning or a welcome.

To repeat: this is not a man who is wandering around in blind, selfish rage that’s indiscriminately targeted and can only be quenched by blood. This is a man who’s been through hell and come out on the other side, and then says “I cannot believe we’re as poorly made as that”. Which makes me want to burst into tears, even as I type this. 

 OK WOW. I NEED TO STOP. I’m not sure if this is what you wanted to hear, anon. :) 

[skepticraven]

There is No War on Christmas

It’s nearly that time of year again. The time of year that Fox News will begin whining about the war on Christmas and let’s be honest, they never stop whining about Christian persecution. Let me be perfectly clear: There is no war on Christmas. Fox just expects their ideology to be able to dominate ever inch of the public and private domain and then gets cranky when they can’t completely control everything everyone say or does. Christians are not being persecuted in America. In fact Christians make up the overwhelming majority of the United State’s population. They also possess the overwhelming majority of the political power. Out of the entire Senate and House of Representatives (535 people), there are 6 Mormons, 8 Jews, 3 unaffiliated, 1 Buddhist, ZERO Muslims, ZERO Hindus, ZERO Pagans, Zero Atheists. The people labeled unaffiliated does not mean they are atheists, it means not a member of a church or have chosen not to declare a theological stance publicly. I know for sure at least 2 of the unaffiliated individuals were raised Christian. As for the supreme court, since it began in 1789, there have been 91 Protestant judges and 13 Catholic judges out of 113 total justices. There are 5 Catholics, 1 Protestant, and 3 Jews currently serving as supreme court justices. Trump claims to be a Christian which I’d take with a grain of salt but he does seem to espouse a lot of the political stances of conservative Christians in most situations and he certainly has harped on about having people say Merry Christmas again (instead of Happy Holidays).

So why do I say, there is no war on Christmas? To start, Christmas is a national holiday. Most businesses close on Christmas Eve and/or Christmas Day (with the exception of like Hospitals, Police Stations, an occasional diner or convenience store). Do you see the entire country closing down on Ramadan? Nope. For weeks, and sometimes months, prior to Christmas, everywhere you go its, “Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells. Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah.” That music takes over entire radio stations that otherwise play decent music. You can’t escape those insufferable, cheery, can’t-get-it-out-of-your-head tunes. I used to work at a Hallmark store in high school and they played Christmas “music” 8 fucking months out of the year. (By the ended the day, I would have had to restrain myself from gouging out my ear drums, about half a dozen times. Its took me 5 years to stop involuntarily singing Christmas music in the shower after I quit). Every store or business in the country has big ass Christmas sales where people routinely trample and assault people, just so they can get a fucking Tickle-Me-Elmo or something. Some businesses spend an obscene amounts of money to dress the building up with more flashing lights and sparkly crap than a cheap strip club. 

The fact that there are grown adults getting their panties in knot over someone wishing them, “Happy Holidays” is a special kind of stupid. I’ve come to the conclusion, we really have got to just start taking obvious warning labels off products. You know, like the warning label on a jar of peanut butter that says, “Warning: Product contains nuts.” The anti-happy holidays crowd is clearly who those labels are intended for. So take em’ off and let nature take its course. And honestly, what kind of snowflakery is this? Talk about first world problems! Happy holidays is just an expression, GET OVER IT. It isn’t even a new phrase and its not like it was invented by stores to somehow “oppress” Christians. It’s a phrase that's been around and used in relation to Christmas for more than a hundred years. Here's an ad from the Philadelphia Inquirer on December 5, 1863:

Many stores do opt for employees to greet customers with Happy Holidays because there are many other secular and religious Holidays around that time of year, like: 

Kwanzaa (an African American holiday) 

Hanukkah (a Jewish holiday) 

Omisoka (a Japanese holiday) 

Yule (a Pagan holiday)  

Bodhi Day (a Buddhist holiday 

Mawlid el-Nabi (an Islamic holiday) 

Zarathosht Diso (a Zoroastrian holiday) 

Pancha Ganapati (a Hindu holiday) 

And of course, New Years Eve/Day (A Secular Holiday). 

Plus there are a string of other Christian Holidays around the time of Christmas:  

Saint Nicholas Day (general Christian holiday) 

Immaculate Conception (primarily Catholic holiday) 

Advent (pertains primarily to Orthodox Christians) 

Feast Day of Our Lady of Guadalupe (pertains primarily to Mexican Catholics) 

Posadas Navidenas (primarily a Hispanic Christian holiday) 

Feast of the Holy Family (primarily a Catholic holiday) 

Holy Innocents Day (a general Christian Holiday 

And Watch Night which is like the Christian version of New Years Eve- minus the getting hammered part, I assume. lol. 

“Happy Holidays” is a way to give your well wishes for whichever holidays happen to apply who you are talking to. It is every bit as applicable to a Christian as it is to a Muslim or a Pagan or an Atheist, etc. We can’t always tell someone’s religion when you are just looking at them so its a way of not making assumptions. Some of these super right wings folks expect people to use the phrase “Merry Christmas” at all times. In fact, if it were up them you’d say “Merry Christmas” when you are talking to a middle eastern woman in Hijab. Because that woman is supposed to get over someone using a phrase that excludes them, while the ultra-conservative individual can’t even get over a greeting that includes them. The funny thing is, I’ve accidentally said “Merry Christmas” to people who I knew weren’t Christian (just out of habit, rather than intention) and they are pretty cool about it. However, I have had my head bitten off a handful of times over the years for saying “Happy Holidays” to Christians. Not every time obviously, but probably like 3-4 times and I’ve heard people in a group talking about it as they leave a couple more times. Once, at my last job, I had middle aged man practically try to shake my hand and acted like I was some kind brave rebel to I say “Merry Christmas” and then they tried to start a conversation me about how unfair is that people “don’t say Merry Christmas anymore” and quote “This is a Christian country” etc. etc. etc. That is a bad position to be in as a server because your tip depends on them liking you and there is no graceful way to bow out of that. Frankly that is just as uncomfortable as getting my head bit off because I have to fight the urge to tell him that America was never a Christian country (even if there were a lot of Christians) and ask what is so wrong with “Happy Holidays?” I mean, of course a lot of stores want employees to say Happy Holidays! They are there to make money! They want to be inclusive so that woman in hijab wants to buy her shit there. “Happy holidays is a polite greeting. If you’re going to be a snowflake about it, next time I see you, I’ll call you “Hey asshole” instead if you are going to get triggered regardless. 

I also want to reject the idea that stores ever stopped completely saying “Merry Christmas.” I hear “Merry Christmas” as much or more than “Happy Holidays.” Maybe some places have stopped but most of the big ones haven’t. Case and point:

Walmart

Walmart Again

Macy’s

JCPenny’s

Sear’s

Old Navy

Toy’s R Us

McDonald’s

Burger King

Best Buy

[loose-leaf-teacanons]

[KnB fic] Exorcist AU, cont.

Yep, still working on this fic. Takes place right before Kuroko’s teapot call. Proper posting order, what’s that? XD (C&C is much appreciated, btw)

Season of Spirits Rating: G Part: ?? of ?? (KagaKuro starter is here, tag is here) Characters/Summary: The vague beginning of an explanation for how Kagami ended up working as Kuroko’s spiritual bodyguard. Starring Kagami, and Midorima’s amazing customer service.

Kagami was beginning to wonder if he’d made a mistake.

To tell the truth, he wasn’t even sure what had compelled him to take down the flyer from the pin board at the local supermarket in the first place. “Help Wanted,” even when it was written in the flowing, elegant script of a calligraphy scroll, was a vague posting by anyone’s standards. “Contact Uncommon Essentials for details.”

Except Uncommon Essentials had no contact info. No phone number, no e-mail address, let alone an online presence. All it had was a street number in one of the older districts, but it didn’t even show up on Google.

He was pretty sure the sensible reaction would have been to shake his head at the flyer and move on with his day. Why he had taken it down from the board and kept it with him, he couldn’t say. Why he’d decided to set out in search for a weirdly named shop that somehow managed to elude even the all-seeing eyes of the Internet, he knew even less.

Maybe he could blame it on the fact that this was the first job ad that didn’t come with a waiting list for applications. Or a disapproving secretary that put him on hold as soon as he tripped over his admittedly nonexistent keigo.

He’d felt a small spark of optimism when he finally flagged down some locals who were able to make Uncommon Essentials seem less like a drug-trafficking ring run out of somebody’s basement and more like a legitimate store with a sign out front and a cash register on the counter.

Though it was a little weird that the people who seemed to know where it was were, without exception, gray, bespectacled and hard of hearing, which made him worry he’d somehow picked up a job ad from fifty years ago. At least, they all seemed to swear by “Midorima-sensei’s” shop, which gave Kagami some hope that maybe, the ad was not as shady as all that, and he was about to apply  at a pharmacy or an old-fashioned sundry store.

He had also, from the descriptions, begun to imagine “Midorima-sensei” as rather like his customers – gray, bespectacled, and mostly deaf.

As it had turned out, only one of those things was true.

Uncommon Essentials was neither a pharmacy nor a sundry store. In fact, Kagami couldn’t have guessed what it was, since the whole thing seemed to defy business sense, good taste, and probably several laws of physics besides.

Behind an unassuming dark wood and paper-screens facade, a visitor was immediately railroaded into a maze of rickety shelves, the path forward quickly obscured by the gloom that seemed to be lurking everywhere, spilling out from dead-end corners. All the shelves were packed so tightly with items of no discernible purpose that someone with Kagami’s build had to squeeze sideways through a cornucopia of what could only be described as the most random crap on the planet.

For every somewhat expected earthenware jar with a faded label, daruma doll set, silk flower arrangement, kabuki mask and lacquer fan, there was at least one set of big-eyed UFO catcher dolls (including a bizarrely life-like bright pink llama), several common houseplants (both real and plastic), a miniature slot machine, a giant wooden durian, collapsible umbrellas with cat and dog ears, individually packaged single stockings (the hell?), the whole palette of maiubo flavors, a scale model of the Titanic, at least one shelf stocked entirely with toy frogs, and a stand with creepy animal-headed walking sticks.

Even more surprising than that, though, was that apart from the poor lighting and sheer age of the shop, everything was spotlessly clean, to the point where Kagami felt like he should have taken off his shoes by the entrance.

After half an eternity of trying not to bring the whole maze crashing down with a careless movement, the shelves and chests of drawers gave way to a wider space that looked more like a traditional herb shop, with boxes of tea and pickled ginseng root lining the walls.

At the very back was a high wooden counter piled with boxes and packaging materials. An ancient punch-register stood off to one side, though at this point Kagami was more surprised that this collection of someone’s private weirdness was getting enough customers to warrant one at all.

As if summoned by the ungracious thought, a surprisingly young-looking man emerged from between the cardboard and paper wrapping, cradling a life-size emperor penguin plush.

Before Kagami could open his mouth to say hi and state his business, though, the young man’s look of put-upon disgruntlement morphed into the kind of glare that nobody gave to anybody unless they were hoping to start a fistfight.

“I’m not sure how you got past the wards,” he said stiffly, pushing his glasses up his nose with a practiced flourish of disdain, “But this place is not for your kind, as should be perfectly obvious.”

Getting bounced around between two different cultures had taught Kagami to ignore a lot, from the dumb white kids who thought repeating their uncle’s 1950s-era slurs made them cool, to the stiff-necked teachers in his last two years of Japanese high school who had him pegged as a troublemaker from day one and insisted on making jabs at his American upbringing.

But this was the first time in his life that he found himself being referred to like a pest control problem, and he felt completely justified in shooting this job opportunity into the wind.

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

The asshole had the nerve to blink, as if Kagami being rude right back was just that much of a surprise.

“You…” He squinted a few times, shook his head as if to clear it, and muttered, “Hmm. How odd… It seems I was mistaken.”

And just in case Kagami had any illusions about maybe getting an apology, or at least a modicum of courtesy, the asshole added, “Still, I would appreciate it if you could vacate the premises as swiftly as possible. Your presence is rather upsetting to this shop.”

Somehow, Kagami stopped himself from balling his hands into fists. “Are you for real?!”

The asshole blinked again, like everything coming out of Kagami’s mouth was somehow a revelation. “Oh. Hm. It would seem you’re unaware… that’s strange. As should be perfectly obvious.”

Yeah, no. Screw this job, Kagami decided, marched up to the counter, and slapped the flyer down in the only free spot, which just happened to matched the paper size exactly. “Oh yeah? Well, if it’s so weird for me to be here, maybe don’t go posting vague crap where anyone can see it.”

The asshole frowned. “You’re here about the––?”

“Yeah, no, don’t bother. I quit. Have a nice fucking day–“

“You cannot quit a job you haven’t even been hired for, as should be perfectly obvious,” the asshole said, surly once again. “And besides, I’m not the one you want to tell that to, ridiculous as it is.”

“The hell is your–!”

“Here.” The asshole slid a piece of precisely folded paper across the counter. “You may discuss your grief about the hiring process with them.”

Kagami wasn’t sure why he took the paper instead of telling the pompous bastard to fuck himself in the most vulgar street slang in two languages. Perhaps it was the sheer weirdness of the whole situation, some kind of morbid curiosity on this part.

Maybe it was just that he felt he’d already wasted so much time, he at least wanted to tell off the person responsible for gating themselves behind obscure shops and insufferable bastards who spoke fifty percent cryptic bullshit.

He didn’t think it had much of anything to do with the little tug he felt when he unfolded the paper to reveal a set of directions in the same flowing style as the job ad.

“Now then, if that is all, kindly be on your way, please. I have actual business to attend to,” the asshole said, and turned away just in time to miss the rude gesture Kagami directed his way.

Whatever the job was, he had the distinct feeling he wasn’t going to be paid enough to put up with any of this.

[monoshah]

Love: Everything I learned in a year

A year ago, I set myself on an inquiry of love. I wanted to see if love really is all that its hyped up to be. Being someone whose not had much skill in managing relationships, I though it was high time I actually study this thing we all seemingly long for.

At first, the idea of people not doing such an inquiry struck me. I mean think about it- we’re all, for better or for worse, advocates of love. At each stage of our lives, love has an important part to play, and yet- we fail to put in the work to study it. We just “let it happen”, as if its this magical thing that the universe just gives us.

But what if we looked closely? What if we stopped assuming that a tiny baby with wings and an arrow controlled our destinies?

So, for the past year, I made it a point to put it under a microscope and see it for what it is, not what the media portrays it to be. Every other month, I read a book about it, sometimes, I didn’t find any insight, while other times, I found lessons hidden inside long paragraphs of sophisticated language.In addition to that, I started reflecting more on my skills pertaining to relationships, trying to discover patterns. 

Either way, there are somethings I learned. Regardless of what your relationship status is, I hope this soothes you.

P.S: You may notice that I’ve used my own example from past relationships to convey certain points. The idea here isn’t to make you feel bad for me (you can if you want to though). Instead, it’s to encourage you to try and apply it to your own life. 

 Lessons

Context: Crushes Lesson: Crushes are delusional 

If we really examine our crushes under a microscope, we’d realize how irrational our assumptions about them are. Think about it- one look at someone, and somehow, we know exactly what kind of person they are, the vulnerabilities they share. What’s worse, the seemingly trivial things they do or possess makes us even more attracted to them: the way they comb their hair, that little mark under their right chin. We use these little things to paint a picture of who they are as individuals.

So, if we try to eliminate the romanticized filter, they, just like anyone else, would seem so normal. All of our assumptions drop as we see reality.

After I read about this, I thought about applying it in my life. So, every time I felt attracted to someone, I journaled about it. I asked myself the seemingly tough question- why? As in- why am I attracted to this individual?

Strangely enough, I could never answer it. I could never think about rational reasons for my crush. Here’s a snapshot of a paragraph from my journal after I started crushing on someone at work and thought about getting some perspective about it by journaling.

“Okay, I think it started when she slacked you- there you are, missed you. You looked up and there she was, smiling, as she steadily used her right forefinger to place some strands of her air behind her ear. It looked so theatrical, as if she’d been practicing the same move for weeks, just for you. And yet, it was so normal. So, Monil, think about it- that one move made you picture how happily the two of you would be in the future. A seemingly trivial move, and there you were- so sure that she was the one”

So, should we completely disregard our crushes? Of course not, regardless of how irrational, they’re fucking amazing. Then, instead of blindly believing in them, maybe this knowledge will make us question it. So, in the future, we make wiser choices.

Context: Romanticism Lesson: After a point, romanticism has the power to ruin love.

We’ve all been there- that sweet honeymoon phase where everything is just so amazing. Whatever our partners do, it somehow makes us feel good. The way they talk on the phone, those cute fights when they don’t hang up and ask you to (don’t deny it, you know you’ve been there).

Now, that’s great isn’t it? It makes us believe that this is it, we’ve done it. This is love and oh my god, its so beautiful. She/he has to be the one, there’s no doubt to it.

However, what happens when the things we realize during that phase are tested against time? That is- we try to evaluate our relationships based on the honeymoon phase? We’re bound to find loopholes. Those cute love songs no longer do it for us, and it seems like, like we’re going farther and farther away from our sweet ideal phase, something has to be wrong right?

Wrong.

I learned that the major issue new couples face during love comes from the sweet poison that is romanticism. Unfortunately, there is little we can do to escape it, the society wraps it up and presents it to us in the form of media. So, of course we’ll believe that we’re the next Romeo and Juliet, how could we not be?

The major problem with romanticism is rooted in how it changes our perception of love. It makes us strongly believe that if we’re with the right partner, we will feel right. Forget reason, its all about feelings. And, the only way for us to feel better is to follow an invisible script (so to speak), a template, both of which are made by the society, updated with the modern culture.

This very template tells us what is “normal” in love, or worse- how a relationship should unfold, in and out of bed. So, one might righteously assume that this template has been written “by the Gods”, or in other words- “its always been like this”.  Interestingly enough, romanticism has its history.

The ideology emerged in Europe around mid eighteenth century through the minds and hearts of poets, philosophers, and writers.  And since then, it has taken over modern society. I can literally go on and on about exactly how it ruined love, but I’ll let the masters do that for you. 

Context: How we choose our partners Lesson: There is a reason for our “type”

Each of us has a type, whether we admit to it or not, we often find ourselves dating similar types of people. Now, instead of labeling these types as “assholes” or “nice guys”, what if we questioned why we have the types we do?

Why, for example, do I only date people who are hard to please emotionally? What’s worse, I started noticing that I actually enjoy the toxicity of our relationship. In a very real sense, I like my love to be unrequited. I mean, who doesn’t want to walk around with heartbreak songs blasting through the headphones in the street and feeling like they’re the only ones?!

Despite the momentary pride, that’s madness.

And, when (as they say) the “stars do align”, and my partner starts feeling the same, I feel like all the excitement is lost. In a way, I don’t really want you to love me, but I will keep loving you, to a point where you will feel suffocated. 

To put this habit into perspective, here’s Alain De Boton in his book Essays in Love: 

“We fall in love because we long to escape from ourselves with someone as beautiful, intelligent, and witty as we are ugly, stupid, and dull. But what if such a perfect being should one day turn around and decide they will love us back? We can only be somewhat shocked-how can they be as wonderful as we had hoped when they have the bad taste to approve of someone like us?” 

Such insanity begs to be inquired.

If I may put it bluntly- I learned that we seek familiarity, not love. That is, we try to replicate the kind of love we were used to in our childhood, to adult life. Therefore, the reason why I choose such partners is because they replicate the love I received when I was a little kid. Similarly, I don’t want anyone to love me because I genuinely feel I don’t deserve it.

(Note- If you feel like blaming your parents, check out this and this post).

The solution, then, so to speak, is internal healing. I can’t and shouldn’t expect another individual to heal me, for me. That’s my responsibility. Only when I heal from the inside, can I love more authentically on the outside.

Context:  The way we choose our partners Lesson: Modern Metrics for attraction are trivial

Although Romanticism ruined love, to some extent, it did make falling in love easy. It taught us that importance of physical attraction in the realm of love. And, given the obedient students that we are of the society, we followed it blindly. Then, entered technology and now, not only do we confidently fall for someone by the way they look, but we do it in front of our screens. Its as easy as swiping right.

So, it always amazed me- as much as physical attraction is important, what are some other, more realistic metrics we can use to choose our partners wisely? And interestingly enough, I found that these very metrics, in a way, can help us go beyond our feelings and tap into a more trustworthy resource- reason.

I’m sure you must’ve heard the phrase- when in doubt, go old school.

So, I did.

I wondered- what was love like before romanticism? And came across a wonderful play written by Plato, called Symposium.

A symposium, in greek, is a drinking party. The plot is simple- a couple of philosophers attend a drinking party and each one of them ends up giving a speech about what they consider love to be. Think about it- a bunch of people whose profession was literally to just sit and think, come together, in the presence of a lot of alcohol, and try to solve the mystery of love.

Naturally, I picked up some great insights. Amongst all the speeches, Diotima (a fictional character made by Socrates) seemed to have given the most serious one (picked up from GradeSaver):

“First, Love leads a person to love one body and beget beautiful ideas. From these ideas, this person realizes that the beauty of one body is found in all bodies and if he is seeking beauty in form, he must see beauty in all bodies and become lover to all beautiful bodies. After that, the person moves on to thinking the beauty of souls is greater than the beauty of bodies. Here, Diotima specifically refers to giving birth through the soul to make young men better. This results in the lover seeing love in activities and eyes, over the beauty of bodies. Ella also refers to these as beautiful customs, from which the lover loves beautiful things, or other kinds of knowledge. The lover will lastly fall on giving birth to many beautiful ideas and theories, finding love of wisdom. This love never passes away and is always beautiful. The end lesson is learning of this very Beauty (wisdom), coming to know what is beautiful. Only at this point will a lover be able to give birth to true virtue. This person will be loved by the gods and is one of the few who could become immortal. The “Rites of Love,” otherwise referred to as the “Ladder of Love,” is the ultimate conclusion in Diotima’s speech. The last rung of the ladder makes one a “lover of wisdom,” or a philosopher, which in one respect is not surprising, since Plato is a philosopher. Philosophy is love’s highest expression, which allows a person to see Beauty.”

So, one way to contemplate this to reality is to use “the love of wisdom” as a spearhead in our relationships. No longer will beauty mean something superficial and time bounded. More importantly- no longer will we stay in love through instinct. Maybe this will help us think about tapping into another useful resource- reason. 

Context: The “right” person Lesson: Why we will all end up marrying the wrong person

There is a lot of emphasis on finding the “right” partner, someone who can magically understand our mood, who can tell us why we’re upset even if we ourselves can’t quite grasp the reason. So naturally, if our current relationship starts becoming boring, we confidently believe that its the partner. That, they’re not “right” for us.

A natural second though, then, is to believe that there is someone out there for us. We don’t want to even think about (let alone acknowledge) the seemingly anxious thought that maybe, just maybe- there is no one out there for us, that, the dots that make up love are joined by co-incidence and not design. That maybe the universe doesn’t really give a fuck about us (or anyone else for that matter). 

And, because we fail to acknowledge such a thought, our search for the right partner never ends. Strangely enough, most of us don’t even know why we may consider someone as the “right” person, our only metric being- “she/he should understand me one hundred percent, cure my loneliness, answer the scary question of what my purpose is on this planet, and of course- be amazing in bed.”

I learned that as much as we want it to be true, there is no right person for anyone. That the cupid is too young and immature to direct us to our right partner. Practically,  the biggest reason for this stems from the obviously tough (and yet seemingly simple) fact that we cannot fully understand ourselves, let alone make sense of another human being for a lifetime.

Here’s Alain De Boton in his popular NY Times Article “Why you will marry the wrong person”: Marriage ends up as a hopeful, generous, infinitely kind gamble taken by two people who don’t know yet who they are or who the other might be, binding themselves to a future they cannot conceive of and have carefully avoided investigating.

This, as mentioned before, is rooted from the fact that love, ever since romanticism was born, is guided by instinct.

You can read the entire article here, or better- buy the book he wrote about it.

So, in hindsight, if there is no right person for us, what’s the silver lining? The abundance of opportunity. Think about it- if there is no right person for us, that also means that there is no wrong person for us. This makes us acknowledge a soothing reality- that whoever we’re with or will be with, will disappoint us and make us happy at the same time. Our metric, then, isn’t a 4.0. 

Instead, In Alain’s words, it’s-

The person who is best suited to us is not the person who shares our every taste (he or she doesn’t exist), but the person who can negotiate differences in taste intelligently — the person who is good at disagreement. Rather than some notional idea of perfect complementarity, it is the capacity to tolerate differences with generosity that is the true marker of the “not overly wrong” person. Compatibility is an achievement of love; it must not be its precondition.

Context: Attachement Styles Lesson: Why we are, the way we are to our partners

If I started drawing insights from every relationship I’ve had to date, one thing in particular would stand out- the painful memory of being overly attached to my partner. At first, looking at it naively, it just confirmed a rather boastful belief that I had about myself- that I’m just a hopeless romantic.

And, despite the seemingly great status that title carried in itself, being a hopeless romantic is painful. It requires total and utter submission, to give yourself up and trust your significant other. Forget healthy boundaries and say goodbye to your self esteem.

So, just like everything else, I put this under a microscope. I asked myself- why? Why do I do this every time? In a very real sense, I wanted to see if being a “hopeless romantic” was worth it.

Fortunately, I found my answers in a book called Attached, by Amir Levine and Rachel S.F. Heller.  It deduced three typical attachment styles in every adult relationship:Anxious, Avoidant, and Secure.

An anxious attachment style encompasses a painful hobby of being preoccupied with one’s relationship and feeling worried about our partners ability to love us back. There- I hit the jackpot.

Avoidant’s are the exact opposite. For them, intimacy equates to a loss of interdependency and so they try to minimize closeness as much as possible.

As you might’ve guessed, an anxious-avoidant pair serves as the perfect toxic playground. While one person tries to pull, the other one is pushing. Thus, tension is always present.

A secured relationship style is the goal, where, people are comfortable with intimacy and are warm and loving.

More than simply making sense out of my misery, this book also served as a guide, helping me think about what I can do in my future relationships for not feeling so painful. In that context, I learned that instead of changing my attachment style, I have to use it as a roadmap to select partners. That is- I have to think twice before being involved with someone with a avoidant attachment style, and this is the hardest part. Why? Because of the push-pull habit I described above. Anxious and avoidance complement each other. Additionally, the reason why I’ve never attracted someone with a secured attachment style is because to me, there’s no excitement present in that relationship. Secured people communicate their wants and needs clearly. They don’t send mixed signals and I find that boring, given that I’ve learned to work really hard for love.

To put this lesson bluntly- I have to stop equating my anxious attachment style to passion and love. Its not.

Second, I have to stop labelling my “neediness” as good or bad. And, further, acknowledge that I too deserve compatibility and love.

Apply this to yourself: what’s your attachment style? How has that impacted your past or present relationships? 

Context: “How did you two meet?” Lesson: Coincidence has a big hand to play in our love stories

There is a sense of pride that we feel as couples, when someone asks us the typical question- how did you two meet?

Most often than not, our answer revolves around the magical statement- it was just so meant to be. And yet, if we really think about it, that hardly seems to be the case.

Let's say you met your partner at a party. You ordered a Diet Coke with lime and you noticed the bartender take out two glasses. She gave one to you and as you looked up, the other glass was given to someone else. Your eyes met with his, he raised his glass and so did you, and then the two of you got talking. He shared his aspirations of being an architect, while you tried not to blabber too much about how much you love graphic designing.

The mutuality of both of you using the right side of your brains as a profession made you wonder- wow, this is so meant to be.

Then, he shared his embarrassment of ordering a Diet Coke with lime and you reassured him that his drink choice didn’t make him not cool or not young enough. That act of reassurance made you fantasize about how perfect this relationship would be.

In a way, you started following a script, a script, that, although written and edited by the media and culture, made you think it was written by cupid- just for you. All the while, forgetting that at any moment, you had the chance to tear that script, change the ink of the pen you were writing it, or close the book altogether.

Alright, let’s back up a bit.

What if you decided not to attend the party? What if you chose staying in and reading a good book? What if you decided to get another drink? The point is- there are so many possibilities, so many scenarios that could’ve played out.

I learned that we fall in love by coincidence, not design. There is no one up there writing our love stories, for better or for worse, we have the ability to do it ourselves. Maybe this makes you a tad upset, but give it a minute and think about it- because there is no predetermined “right place” or “right time”, there is also no wrong place or wrong time.

Choice has always been with us, and it always will be. So, the next time people ask your partner and you that question about how the two of you met- really think about it, how did the two of you meet? And then question the typical norm of crediting cupid.

Context: How Love Stories Typically End Lesson: The other side of happily ever after

If we take notes about what every love story typically consists of, we can find ourselves jotting down the following:

- Every love story has a nemesis that has to be defeated - Most of the time, both individuals are never on the same page - When they are- they meet and the story ends

And we fucking love it. Don’t get me wrong, despite studying this for a year now, every time I pick up a typical romance book, I can’t let go of it. Romance novels emphasize romanticism, they make us believe that maybe, just maybe, our horribleness is worthy of love too.

That of course there’s a special determined someone for us, who will step in and just cure our misery, who will let make living just a tad bit better. 

That said, here’s the problem I have with them- the ending.

More often than not, love stories end at a point where real life starts. In actuality, “happily ever after” encompasses marriage, kids, death, and what not. Isn’t that where we really need some guidance? I mean, modern culture has taught us romanticism well, we’re all brilliantly aware of how to handle the honeymoon phase, the things to say to our crushes, the songs to listen to; unfortunately, we’re pretty blindfolded in the next stage- that is, living a life with them.

We don’t know what to do when suddenly our partner starts disagreeing with us, when they can’t quite get along with your friends, when they leave the bathroom lights on; wouldn’t we all want to see what would’ve happened if Romeo and Juliet got an apartment in Brooklyn and started living a life together?

Of course we would, it’s an area we’re not at all educated about.

Now, most definitely, its not a perfect science. If there’s one thing we know about relationships, its that we can’t really master them. Its a tight rope between two cliffs, we’re all just.. trying our best not to fall. That said, just because we can’t master them doesn’t mean we can’t explore the other side, look at it, be curios about it, and if we’re lucky- learn something from it.

Fortunately, I found the perfect book that explores this concept, The Course Of Love by Alain De Boton. The best part about this book isn’t how the two individuals meet, instead, it’s what happens after they meet and fall in love- marriage, kids, death, and what not. The book explores fascinating questions like- why, after being so sure that our partner is the right one, do we start realizing that maybe we’ve made a mistake? How and why do couples loose the “spark”?

All I’d say is- get the book, read it, and treat it like your bible for relationships.

If you do, I’d suggest reading Essays in Love first, it was his first book. Although it doesn’t cover marriage, the text still explores the first few phases of love- crushes, breakups, affairs, etc. 

Ending Thoughts

Our modern definition of love acknowledges the reality that love stories don’t end with the two individuals meet. They go on, in fact, it’s essential for them to go on, given life,

So, how can we use this insight?

We can let it change our perspective of love and relationships. We can, in a very real sense, let it change the typical attitude we have towards it- a sense of wonder, something that the cupid/God controls. Instead, we can finally consider the possibility that maybe, just maybe, love is more deliberate, more logical, and thus- a skill that can be learned.

What this means is, the next time we crush on someone, we don’t let it fully consume us, we acknowledge that yes- they’re lovely, of course they’re perfect for us, but at the same time, there’s a side of them we haven’t seen yet. Not because they’re hiding it, but because we’re blindfolded by love. 

The point isn’t to point out faults in love, it’s to let a little bit of cynicism help us stay aware of what’s happening.

When I started on this endeavor, a quote by Victor Frankyl amazed me. In his book Man’s Search For Meaning, he said- “The salvation of man is through love and in love”, and after everything I’ve learned, I think he’s right. 

The problem with quotes and phrases about love is that they’re very vague. Which is why they need to be delayered. These sayings make us believe that the right approach to love has to be taken from the surface, however, we need to delayer it. We need to get rid of the really attractive bottle cap and pour out the contents of the bottle. Then, be curious about it and hopefully- learn something from it. 

Real love in essence is transparency. Not only is it in acknowledging the scars both partners share but also how those scars affect how they are and what they do in relationships. That is where, I reckon, the whole salvation thing comes in; when we’re not only accepted for who we are but also loved for it.

I hope this post made you (at the least) think about the possibility that love isn’t random, it doesn’t happen when the stars align. Instead, it’s something that can be logical, something that can be guided by reason. That doesn’t necessarily make love unsexy or unromantic, it actually makes it sustainable, so you can grow in and with it. 

[gracekiernan-blog1]

A First Year Retrospective and Moving Forward

Billy once told me that your first year of college would be the best and worst year of your life; that in the span of eight months you would reach your highest highs and your lowest lows. At the time, I thought his perspective was bleak. How could “the best time of your life” also bring with it the worst times of your life? College was meant to be the end game-the light at the end of the hormone drama bullshit filled tunnel that is high school. 

Looking back on my freshman year, I can confidently say Billy could not have been more right.

Because you see freshman year of college is the first time in a long time where you are thrown into a sea of strangers. And in a sea of strange people and strange places, we yearn to look at something familiar, something that feels like home. Yet in a sea of no one familiar and a place filled with street signs never seen before, the only familiar thing to look at is yourself. 

I used to believe what I saw in that reflection was nothing. That college was the time where I would discover the composition of the person staring back at me in the mirror. But subconsciously I knew there was something there. In the mirror I saw what everyone had always told me I was; a top student, a best delegate, a loyal friend, an innocent girl. And hiding behind those titles was some shadow of a lost, unhappy individual. A familiar face suppressed behind the artificial wall I’d built over time. 

So college started and I looked in the mirror. I hated it.

I hated what I saw because it was no longer comforting. Those titles no longer applied in my unfamiliar surroundings and suddenly they vanished, leaving nothing but the vulnerable, scared, girl hiding behind them.

In the vanishing of these labels was a sudden freedom-not in a liberating with a positive connotation sense, just freeing. With their disappearance came a rapid devolvement from my careful nature. I turned away from the reflection and alternatively refused to look anywhere-at myself, at the people and places around me, at the consequences of my actions. I listened to my first instinct and went for it. I lived.

And so I railed shots back like a pro. I made out with strangers who promised to buy another drink. I danced on tables and ended my night when the sun was just about to come up. I stopped worrying about my weight and more about fulfilling my hunger and thirst. 

That was until I woke up to my arm in an IV.

What happened after that night I spend every day trying to understand. I think prior to that night, part of me was still holding on to the titles I’d seen in the mirror. I would be careless, but not too careless. I was be wild, but only enough that I felt I could still be called innocent. I was pretending.

I think maybe I lost hope. In one night I had devolved so far away from the person I’d hid behind that I felt like there was no way of recovering her. She was gone. Everything in the mirror had vanished. I was nothing and I felt nothing.

The other part of me thinks maybe I was angry. I was angry that someone else had the ability to make me lose sight overnight of who I thought I was. That overnight at the hand of someone else I had gone from being a fairly self-confident self sufficient individual to weak and fragile. I was angry at myself for being weak and fragile.

If this was Vampire Diaries, I would compare this to the moment where I turned my humanity switch “off”. 

In this recklessness, I truly understood what it means to live your highest highs and your lowest lows.

I went to fancy parties and socialized with new friends. I had sex on a roof and ate muffins in the middle of the day. I didn’t give a fuck and I made sure people knew it. And in a place like Penn, where everyone lives to extremes, it was so easy to hide as this new form. My walk of shames and freshman 15 blended in with everyone elses. But there were also nights where I sat at my desk chair, shaking and sobbing, hit in the silence by an overwhelming sense of loneliness and disappointment. A low low where you think you may never be able to get back up and move forward. 

I’m getting side tracked and this is getting depressing when in reality it wasn’t. I smiled bigger than I ever had before, laughed harder, danced looser. I met incredible people-friends I will cherish for a lifetime and professors who gave me their lucky Cubs t-shirt. I lived around the corner from my dream place of work and managed to get a job there for the summer. I lived, and I lived big. 

Jesus Christ I forgot how tiring writing is.

As the year comes to a close, and I look back on the wonderful mess that was this year, I think I still don’t recognize the figure I see in the mirror. The surroundings and the strangers are now familiar, and so to look to them is a feeling of home. But the introspective look in the mirror is met by the gaze of a complete and utter stranger. 

But unlike before, there is finally a person. There are no longer meaningless titles or the faint shadow of a confused soul. There is someone. Someone who values nothing more than she values her family. That seeks to make a change in the world around her and in the lives of people who matter most to her. Who loves to sing and dance loudly (and also drunkenly) to bad music. Who likes to laugh and to smile and to look around and appreciate what is around  her. 

Now, I just need to meet her.

I think that is what this summer is for. To spend some time really focusing on who I am, what I value, who I value, and what kind of person I want to be moving forward. I need to learn to actually love myself so I can be better not just to myself, but to those who matter to me in my life. 

So here’s to a summer of self love. A summer spent loving myself and loving others and coming to understanding with who the person in the mirror staring back at me is made of. 

If there is one thing about myself I know for certain, it is at the end of the day I need structure. So for my summer of self love there are of course a few guidelines-five to be exact

1. I just decided this exactly six seconds ago but I think it seems fitting that for a summer of reflection that I spend it without social media. I spend so many hours in a day focusing on my Facebook, Instagram, and snapchat-wondering who will contact me and when; feeling FOMO when I see other people’s stories and photos. It’s unhealthy and I’m going to go without it for a while. 

2. Learn to love to workout again. Workout everyday for AT LEAST 30 minutes starting May 15, 2017. Preferably, one session of 9 round and a 30 minute run everyday. If there’s one thing I can't hide from it’s the freshman 30 I am currently packing and it has got to go.

3. Eat healthy!! Haven’t quite worked out what this consists of. But first things first, going back to being completely gluten free (minus beer of course-it’s the Irish roots you can’t blame me). This also means not staring myself. Eating healthy and eating well. 

4. Slow thoughts and mind. I’ve spent too long thinking and acting without any initial reflection. I want to be more careful about what I say and how I behave towards those around me. Controlling my bitchy thoughts and helping out around the house. I call this goal “live slower”.

5. Take care of myself. Subgoals include-stop picking my cuticles, moisturize after every shower, wear my retainer to sleep every night. Also including verbalizing one compliment per day to myself in the mirror after every shower. 

These are the five guidelines of my self love summer- live in reality (not online), workout, eat healthy, live thoughtfully, and take care of myself. And this blog has now become a platform to document my success in achieving these goals. My thoughts, my feelings, my experiences, and all from this summer will find home documented on this blog. 

So here’s to a summer of recovery and self-love and a first year down and in the books.

G