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ok but can we talk about the house

specifically that it was a house given to the both of them, jointly. Two male bachelors from completely different darshans famous for bickering all day long and disagreeing on everything, given one (1) house by an institution that actively encourages inter-darshan rivalry and backstabbing.

Just. What was the reasoning there. Because until MHY handwaves this as an Akademiya budgeting issue, I’m gonna assume there was some overly invested secretary in a resource allocation office somewhere who was convinced, bet-my-vacation-time certain that the stoic, practically-minded recluse and his manic pixie dream senior were the Sumeru equivalent of highschool sweethearts who were surely just waiting to graduate to get married. Just you wait, they’ve clearly already picked out the rings! Better get them a picket fence house, soon they’ll have 2.5 kids and a dog.

(“Sure, Janice, sure.”)

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How Married Are Haikavetham? Let Me Count the Ways

I could write a whole essay about them but nobody reads those, so here, have a non-contextual and unordered list as befits social media postings in the Age of Twitter:

The 1950s sitcom couple domestic bitchery about cleaning and chores and dinner and jobs

Alhaitham being responsible for getting Kaveh home after a night on the town

The keys

Alhaitham purposefully teasing Kaveh to make him puff up and flail around every time they share screentime

The matching idles

Their very public bickering on almost every message board in Sumeru

Their signature dishes being from each other's cultural inspiration

Kaveh being Alhaitham's first (and only) friend at the Akademiya

Alhaitham thinking of Kaveh as his mirror

Kaveh moaning to everyone who will listen about his relationship with Alhaitham

Kaveh nevertheless dragging Alhaitham out for socializing

The polar opposite birb constellations

Kaveh potentially drunkenly feeling up Alhaitham and concluding he must be the dendro archon (no, really)

The fact that the only time Alhaitham ever collaborated with anybody on anything was the joint housing project with Kaveh

Kaveh stealing Alhaitham's wine shipment

Alhaitham apparently paying for every one of Kaveh's ridiculous expenses

Kaveh complain-gushing about Alhaitham in his character trailer

Kaveh demanding Alhaitham take him furniture shopping because he can't be trusted to pick out aesthetically pleasing stuff

Them introducing each other in their official character announcements

Kaveh designing rug patterns from Alhaitham's doodles

Them using each other's fucking rug patterns in combat I can't---!

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The more I think about it, the more I love claymore!Kaveh

Looks like a prissy twink but can bench-press a whole-ass bookshelf plus the annoying roommate who won't clean it up.

People think Alhaitham's the one to be afraid of, the one you don't want to engage in a fight. They are wrong.

Alhaitham just beats your ass and clocks out.

Kaveh goes *feral* on it.

And yes, Alhaitham's the guy who can throw you twenty feet and spin-kick knives into the ground so hard they leave an impact crater, but you have not seen what happens when you try to ambush the fairy-princess-looking architect while he's on a deadline and CAN'T YOU WAIT THIRTY FUCKING MINUTES TO LAUNCH YOUR IDIOTIC LOGISTICALLY IMPOSSIBLE ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT I HAVE A CLIENT MEETING IN FIVE AND I'LL BE LOOKING LIKE A STREET BRAWLER NOW THANKS TO YOU COMPLETE AND UTTER NEMATODES––

Alhaitham just sits down to the side and breaks out a book. Better let Kaveh work the stress out of his system.

I want battle husbands so bad. It's my jam. I hope they put that in Kaveh's hangout.

Just, there's so many ways and they're all comedy gold. I mean. Imagine Traveler barging into Alhaitham's office all breathless because they were shopping and then some insurgents showed up and managed to kidnap Kaveh.

Alhaitham's just raises an eyebrow, "...so?"

And Paimon's like omg how can you be so heartless isn't he your friend???

"You're worried about the wrong person," says Alhaitham, perfectly serene. "He's not locked in with them. They're locked in with him."

/furious roar and sounds of splintering stone in the distance

"...on second thought, I suppose I should do something about this. With his debt, he can't afford to pay the damages for dropping the aqueduct on them."

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Ok but HaiKaveh temple massages

Because I imagine wearing those headphones all the time would probably kinda hurt after a long day. And you can have your angst headcanons and that's fine but I'm here for these two assholes being casually affectionate while continuing to bicker about the stupidest shit.

Like, Alhaitham's just stretched out on the couch reading while Kaveh's got his head in his lap, handling him the way other people handle their cats. Just absentmindedly rubbing and scritching and contemplatively being like, "I could rip your head off like this, you know."

And Alhaitham's just as idly, "Unless you have the grip strength of a Rishboland tiger's jaws, that is not happening."

"Hm. You're making me want to develop a proof of concept." /rubrub

Just. Doing stupidly domestic stuff while arguing. Completely relaxed. If they run out of concrete stuff to bicker over, they just make shit up.

Like Kaveh, without preamble, "...the argument in that passage is bullshit."

"You've been sorting my hair according to gradient for the past half hour, you didn't even glance at the book."

"Wh– You can't prove I did that!"

"I'm not hearing a denial either."

"I'm a master of multitasking, I'll have you know."

"No, you're not. Humans are physically incapable of multitasking. Also, still not hearing a denial."

"...Shut up and go back to your dumb book." /rubrub

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HaiKaveh Domesticity is Over 9000 and I'm So Here for It

I didn't just hallucinate MHY devoting an entire third of a story quest plus one epilogue to Kaveh and Alhaitham bitching at each other like a couple that's been together for 75 years, right? Right? I mean, it's possible but if so, that hallucination included

Kaveh asking Alhaitham to help straighten a painting the only thing that'll be straightening here pfft like a 1950s housewife asking her man to get something from the top shelf

Alhaitham telling Kaveh to entertain the guests while he fucks off and Kaveh again reacting like a 1950s housewife piqued by having to be nice to her husband's no-good friends

That. fucking. face.

4. Like seriously what is that shifty look and that little smile. What.

4.a. You're either trying to keep the marriage a secret or are under some kind of one-sided delusion of a break-up while Alhaitham's making you custom keys and happily filling your name in every official form in the "spouse" column.

5. Kaveh acting like all of Sumeru doesn't already know he's sleeping with shacked up with Alhaitham.

6. Kaveh apparently being UNAWARE that he's already told all of Sumeru he's shacked up with Alhaitham.

7. Kaveh bitching at Alhaitham about cleaning the house. Multiple times.

8. The fucking. Evolution exchange. "You're gonna devolve into a fungus." Alhaitham, is that your way of saying Kaveh's grown on you? Like mold???

9. Kaveh actually being worried asking if Alhaitham’s ok and trying to conceal it with more bitching.

9.a. Also Alhaitham picking really odd things to needle Kaveh about, like working himself to the bone for a client’s approval. Kaveh obviously interprets these as digs but given how direct Alhaitham usually is with criticism, it’s almost like he’s being concerned, after a fashion?

10. Kaveh demanding Alhaitham take him furniture shopping and buy him drinks after as thanks and thinking himself super clever for proposing that like "I don't want to date you. YOU want to date ME."

11. Alhaitham quipping about priorities while the camera shows Kaveh in the bg as if it's in on Alhaitham's teasing jesus h.

12. Alhaitham kicking Traveler out bc he's about to have dinner but if we come back afterwards, "dinner" is apparently just more bantering with Kaveh? Implying that they're going to have dinner together? Are they going out? Are they going to cook together??? SIRS???

13. Alhaitham actually thinking about cleaning up his books if you mind-read him after. HOW WHIPPED ARE YOU, SIR???

14. Alhaitham keeping Kaveh's lightweight nature from him. Just. Why. Do you secretly think this is funny/adorable? Because I think you do.

14 a. Also implying they've gone drinking together before so he's probably been the one to get Kaveh back home more times than he can count.

15. Kaveh agonizing over whether Alhaitham knows what he "scribbled" while drunk?? SIR???? WHAT DID YOU WRITE???

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[Fic] Hold the Light Given Unto You

Putting this here since it’s a fic that’s near and dear to my heart and one I actually *gasp* recently finished. And I have to spread my "Protect Lucifer" agenda on this new-old platform.

Hold the Light Given Unto You Fandom: Granblue Fantasy Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Relationships: Lucifer/Sandalphon Tags: fix-it, slow burn, emotional hurt/comfort, canon-typical violence, angst with a happy ending

Summary: Countless failures to connect. Millennia of unspoken feelings. A core on the brink of destruction. And the singular chance to finally understand. I heard you calling… my dearest light.

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The. fucking. keys.

If there ever was anything remotely heterosexual about Alhaitham and Kaveh's cohabitation, it died on its ass with the key idle.

Just. Look at it.

There is so much going on here so allow me to break down how gay those two little pieces of metal are.

Alhaitham taking both keys by accident because they got tangled up.

Meaning they had to be in the same place.

Not even on key hangers or anything, but likely in some kind of fucking domestic little key bowl that you only get when you don't fucking care who takes whose keys.

Alhaitham's key being the silver one while Kaveh's is gold.

Meaning this was not a key Alhaitham just *owned* previously in case he misplaced the first or something.

No. This man went to the locksmith's when Kaveh moved in and fucking commissioned a new key in a Kaveh kind of color.

Like if he'd just come back with a pair of rings that would have been less embarrassing.

At this point, I just really wanna know if Kaveh is emotionally smart enough to realize he tacitly married this man years ago and Alhaitham has probably been filling out all the official paperwork and tax returns and emergency contact forms with Kaveh's name in the "Spouse" column the entire time.

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Everyday I reread your old KnB related posts. I love them that much. I'm so thankful.

Aww I'm glad they still bring you joy after all these years : )

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Ok but Cyno referring to Alhaitham as "the illegal eagle"

Alhaitham better have an opinion on Cyno's puns in-game. He's a frickin linguist and he'd offer such devastating (but constructive) feedback.

Alhaitham: At the risk of ruffling some feathers, you have been pecking at your words for far too long. Cyno: 😮

Alhaitham: An eagle-eyed practitioner of the craft can dovetail their words to create nested meaning. Cyno: 😡 Cyno: 🥵 Cyno: 😡🥵😡

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Everyone is terrified of Alhaitham because he's super demanding and nobody is sure he *isn't* capable of reading minds and seeing exactly how many fear boners he's giving them.

Everyone also thinks Kaveh is the sweetiepie teacher because he's all smiles and sociability and is very encouraging with the first years.

Everyone is very, very wrong.

Kaveh is nice to the first years, but he's a menace with everyone else. "What is this? What *is* this. Oh my archons! Is this 'I ran out of room here for the closet but if I put the door swing parallel to the depth of the closet, I can give the client a hand's breadth of extra space in this tiny bedroom'?!?! This. This is not design. This is like saying you're an artist because you painted something kind of cool in kindergarten. With colored pencils."

Alhaitham: And here we observe the Light of Ksharewar, Radiant Star of his Darshan, unaware that you do not "paint" with pencils. Kaveh: You shut up. You shut up with your face.

Like, Alhaitham is strict but he actually gives constructive feedback on papers and the like. Meanwhile Kaveh is just like, "No." "Are you serious." "Oh my various deities." "Can this design please stop with existing."

Who needs a college AU when you have the collapsing Akademiya to play with

I so badly want all the Akademiya alumni to become semi-reluctant substitute teachers for a bit. I mean, the Akademiya did just fire its leadership and governing body. And those sages must have had tons of allies among the professors and higher-up researchers to do their bidding. So they (hopefully) got fired too.

But that leaves a void of staff and tons of panicked students wondering what is going to happen to their programs. Their papers. Their grades. Their *lives*.

And though the Akademiya tries to promote or drag out of retirement as many trustworthy figures as quickly as possible, there are still gaps.

Tl;dr imagine being a poor panicked Haravatat student not knowing what's going to happen to you, your Darshan, or your career. And then you walk into class and the guy filling in for your recently disgraced ancient desert runes professor is six feet of perfectly chiseled, smoldering hotness and a reputation for beating up bandits barehanded and toppling the previous government.

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Who needs a college AU when you have the collapsing Akademiya to play with

I so badly want all the Akademiya alumni to become semi-reluctant substitute teachers for a bit. I mean, the Akademiya did just fire its leadership and governing body. And those sages must have had tons of allies among the professors and higher-up researchers to do their bidding. So they (hopefully) got fired too.

But that leaves a void of staff and tons of panicked students wondering what is going to happen to their programs. Their papers. Their grades. Their *lives*.

And though the Akademiya tries to promote or drag out of retirement as many trustworthy figures as they can as quickly as possible, there are still gaps.

Tl;dr imagine being a poor panicked Haravatat student not knowing what's going to happen to you, your Darshan, or your career. And then you walk into class and the guy filling in for your recently disgraced ancient desert runes professor is six feet of perfectly chiseled, smoldering hotness and a reputation for beating up bandits barehanded and toppling the previous government.

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Don't play pool against him either. Or pachisi. Or golf.*

Friend said something about Alhaitham keeping his cards close to his chest so I immediately thought of Cyno going "OMG does he play Genius Invocation?!?!"

And like. You don't wanna play cards against Alhaitham. He's an absolute menace. He's got an unshakeable poker face, loves fucking with his opponents, and has the skills to reduce even hardcore card sharks to tears. Even if he's never played that game before.

The only reason you'd call him in is when you have to infiltrate a high-stakes criminal poker tournament or a gambling den to play the entire gang out of every last ill-gotten mora.

Cyno: I'm too recognizable but nobody would think twice if you showed up to participate in their games. Alhaitham: are you saying I seem shady enough to fit right in? Cyno: yes Alhaitham: oh, thanks Cyno: ...

*seriously don't play pool against him, you'd have to deal with him artfully draping his physique across the pool table to make the shots and you'd die of blood loss

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I'm not sure they'd be roommates in this scenario but they probably turn into roommates the longer these projects go. Kaveh's just like, "He keeps requesting so many changes, I might as well save myself the trip to my atelier." A: Does your atelier not have wifi or why did you put the Mont Blanc in a German mountain range. Are you allergic to Google Maps. K: There is such a thing as artistic license! A: Well, consider it revoked. K: It's fantasy background! Nobody will even know it has some real inspiration unless you put a giant blinking arrow spelling it out on the screen!

1 day later, test screening for the production team: Movie opens on a majestic mountain range with sweeping vistas and dramatic peaks. Three small red specs slowly zoom into view, growing brighter and more out of place by the second:

<- France -> Mont Blanc <-???->

Kaveh: i hate you so much you. flames. flames on the side of my face

And now for something completely different

A friend was asking about modern!AU jobs for Genshin characters and I immediately went "scriptwriter/director Alhaitham and Kaveh as the set designer/matte artist whom he drives insane with his very specific demands.

Like you know he'd request obscure shit like a backdrop of a springtime rainforest in the New Guinean hinterlands at noon and when Kaveh delivers, he just stands in front of it for an hour like

A: The moisture level is completely inaccurate for this time of year K: Nobody knows that! A: I do. K: Like. I. said. Nobody knows that!

A: And these plants don't exist in that region. K: But they look stunning and visually distinctive! A: Do you want this movie to utterly lack any sense of realism. K: YOUR MOVIE HAS FLYING DINOSAURS IN IT. A: That's suspension of disbelief. This [motions to flowers] is not.

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And now for something completely different

A friend was asking about modern!AU jobs for Genshin characters and I immediately went "scriptwriter/director Alhaitham and Kaveh as the set designer/matte artist whom he drives insane with his very specific demands”.

Like you know he'd request obscure shit like a backdrop of a springtime rainforest in the New Guinean hinterlands at noon and when Kaveh delivers, he just stands in front of it for an hour like

A: The moisture level is completely inaccurate for this time of year K: Nobody knows that! A: I do. K: Like. I. said. Nobody knows that!

A: And these plants don't exist in that region. K: But they look stunning and visually distinctive! A: Do you want this movie to utterly lack any sense of realism. K: YOUR MOVIE HAS FLYING DINOSAURS IN IT. A: That's suspension of disbelief. This [motions to flowers] is not.

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The lovely @wingroad and I decided to collaborate on some cute KnB avatars (by way of Charat Yoco). She did all the right-side halves, and I did all the left-side halves. XD 

If you wanna use them, feel free, just maybe credit either of us, that’d be grand. ^^ Also be sure to peek under the cut for an encore:

Bonus Kise-vision!senpai: 

Bonus stalker!Oreshi:

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Got tagged by @wingroad, so... *rolls up sleeves*

First ship you ever read fic for: Hoo boy, here is where I date myself. Taichi/Yamato from Digimon (yes the late 90s original) and that was back in the mists of time when the internet was shrouded in dial-up and Geocities was still a thing and here there be lemons and limes shounen ai boyxboy don’t like don’t read don’t own don’t sue plzzzz. 

I had no idea what fanfic was, all I wanted was to collect some screenshots from the show, but then there were FANSHRINES and WEBRINGS and YAHOO MAILING LISTS and the rest is history. Old people high-five if you know what a webring was. XD

First ship you ever wrote fic for:  Sephiroth/Cloud from FF7. No, I’m not giving anyone the tools to find that.

Ship you write the most now: Is this some kinda cruel taunt? /writer’s block sucks srsly

Ship you read the most now: Hoo boy, that’s hard to quantify, because the fandoms/ships I love most are not necessarily the ones I read the most, because some fandoms just have a higher ratio of good-quality fic than others and unfortunately my brain is a snobby elitist bitch that cares about things like IC and consistency and will backbutton out of fics if they so much as start referring to characters as “the bluenette” and “the raven” and yeah.

Anyway, there’s a lot of fandom-hopping going on interspersed with great and terrible droughts. XD KnB, Haikyuu, most of the Shin Megaten gamut, some of the older Final Fantasies, some of the Tales of, Guilty Gear, occasional dips into Harry Potter, Ao no Ex, Yugioh, DBZ, D.Gray-man, FMA, Sokyuu no Fafner, some Gundams, hell, even Naruto if I get particularly desperate... idk I’m probably forgetting several dozen. XD

Newest ship: Kai/Aichi from Cardfight!!Vanguard, a very silly cardgame anime a friend got me into which would be utterly forgettable if it weren’t so incredibly fucking gay seriously the end credits have the two protagonists meeting under fucking rainbows I kid you not go watch it it really is that gay.

Rare ship you want to read more of: Well, I gotta separate this from my thirst for quality fic brought on by my snobby elitist bitch brain so... I guess more Kagakuro would be nice? Or KiKasa? Or AoMomo? Or more Vanguard stuff? Or...

Your taboo ship: ...what does that even mean???

They never met in canon ship: nothing comes to mind. I tend to ship characters who have at least some level of interesting canon interaction.

Your unexpected ship: Y’know, I never expect to ship things? So technically all of them? I guess if you really wanna get down to it MayuAka bc that started as a joke ship (yeah thanks @wingroad XD) but now I actually enjoy figuring out the sheer weirdness of these two and their interactions.

The ship you always forget to give love to: I don’t forget, I just either have no ideas that can be turned into viable fics (I mostly write either epics or character study/slice-of-life stuff), or I have severe writer’s block. Like now. This headcanon blog was actually my desperate attempt to jump that blockade. It’s kinda worked in some ways, but not in the fic ways. xD

Ship your OC with a canon character (if applicable): That’s a kiss of death if I ever saw one.

A ship you’re embarrassed to ship: *blink* The only thing about my shipping I’m sometimes embarrassed about is the sheer volume of thoughts I have about my favorites. Srsly though, this whole “I’m ashamed to ship this” thing that seems to be all the rage on tumblr these days is exhausting. Shipping it means supporting it. Own whatever it is that’s tickled your imagination.

Your most romantic ship: That’s impossible to answer because there is no way to universally define what romance is or what qualifies as “romantic.”

I’ve got ships where the most romantic words ever spoken are “try not to die, moron,” and ships whose essence is “let me fully devote my entire being to you and your cause,” and ships that blush and gaze at each other amidst the dancing cherry blossoms, ships that are so fucking emotionally constipated and screwy they can barely even conceive of the concept of “love”... idk.

What’s beautiful is having all these different characters manage to somehow muddle their way to an understanding and some form of affection regardless of their circumstances. That’s what’s most romantic to me.

Your sexiest ship: ...like, who do I think gets the most action or who has the most UST or who looks hottest together? *blink* Dunno how to answer that.

Your most tragic ship: That’s tough, but Cloud’s arc in FF7 has always struck me as one of the most tragic stories ever written. A friend of mine summed up the game as “the drama of a boy who got everything he ever wanted” – he got to be strong, and a hero, but it cost him his sense of self, his family, his hometown, his best friend, his emotional support, and the one he admired the most.

And much of that tragedy spills over into the Sephiroth/Cloud ship; not just because of what happens in the game, but because of how achingly lonely, isolated and similar they both are, and how much tragedy and suffering could have been avoided if they had ever actually met and talked before things went to shit. #shutupwithyourcompilationsqueenix

A ship you want more content for: Every single one, preferably IC and spell-checked. >.> A girl can dream, ne?