#kong's reflections

[dearestkong]

reflections // end-of-year exams🍓

it's the return of dearestkong~~ i finished my last exam yesterday, and i'll begin daily updates soon!! it's nice not to be in panic-study mode, but I still have a ton of work to do for university applications. here are some things on my mind.

the good (˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶)

when it came down to it, i could face the inertia head-on. during the short hiatus i was studying 6 hours a day, most days.

utilising resources: notion has been a godsend!! it used to scare me, but then i realised i was putting too much pressure on myself to make it look nice. a bare-bones table is fine.

it was a tough week (weeks), but i got through it and only cried a few times.

tried to take good breaks. saw a lot (!!!!!!!!!!!!) of beautiful things and ate delicious food.

today i had the whole day free; that's incredibly rare because there's always some sort of obligation going on. so i spent the morning reading, i took a walk, i finished my book in a cafe. i went back to my tutoring job and saw the kids again. i watched tv while cleaning my room. i turned off my phone-- i was determined not to waste the gift so i ended up having a much more fulfilling time than i normally do. and as i think back on it, i was being so stupid. there's nothing that special about today. every day is a gift! if i can do that once, i can do it always.

the not-so-good (.◜ᯅ◝)

felt burned out within the first week of revision but i didn't feel like i was working hard enough. i never feel like i work hard enough, and the problem is that's backed up with fact in my head because i never managed to complete my to-do list-- i went into exams knowing that i didn't do enough question practice or only briefly skimmed some topics.

was overconfident on some exams and underconfident (?) on others. cried before one because all the stuff felt alien to me, but it wasn't even that bad fr. i need to chillax

accidentally met someone incredibly beautiful and was struck with longing during the whole week which is not exactly what you want uring a time of academic pressure, you know?

realised that even when i'm not actively relapsing, i'm still doing a lot of self-destructive things. sleeping at midnight before an exam, choosing my phone over the book i really want to read. staying in bed too long or skipping exercise to rot.. i know all those things will make me feel bad, but i do them anyway. i'm too mean to myself.

in conclusion I MISS POSTING. idgaf if this takes time out of my day, the self-examination really helps me. in the process of writing a new introduction because my pinned has kind of aged out of relevance, but we'll see how it goes. !!! onwards!!!

[thottyoptimusprime]

Godzilla says this eventually

[adventureswithteddy]

Teddy leaned to the side and felt his eyes grow wide as he looked at this Calliandra. The long slender stamens enticing him with their fragile beauty.

[home-phoenix]

Throwback in Hong Kong Causewaybay.

[uniories]

Koi Fish (Hong Kong, 2023)

[thunderstruck9]

John Mackechnie (British, 1949), Hong Kong Island, 2016. Screenprint, 106 x 57 cm. Edition of 30

[anonmothership]

Hongkong, December 2016

[adm-starblitzsteel-4305]

MAJOR SPOILERS ALERT!!!!!

New GxK: The New Empire Exclusive Chinese Trailer!!!!!

[materialsscienceandengineering]

A significant breakthrough in developing a passive radiative cooling (PRC) material has been announced by researchers at City University of Hong Kong (CityU). The findings have just been published in the journal Science titled "Hierarchically structured passive radiative cooling ceramic with high solar reflectivity." The material, known as cooling ceramic, has achieved high-performance optical properties for energy-free and refrigerant-free cooling generation. Its cost-effectiveness, durability and versatility make it highly suitable for commercialisation in numerous applications, particularly in building construction. By reducing the thermal load of buildings and providing stable cooling performance, even in diverse weather conditions in all climates, cooling ceramic enhances energy efficiency and can combat global warming.

Read more.

[dearestkong]

reflections // starting the summer term 🌷💌

(feel free to skip … just a lot of rambling about changes of mindset, i’ll sum it up later in my new pinned.)

it’s been more than a month since I’ve started this blog, and I’m really really glad that I did. not because my productivity has spiked or my anxiety has diminished or whatever (though there have been positive effects), but because just attempting to start something like this meant that I was no longer willing to suffer and rot in private. i talked about the “hole of dysfunction and self-hatred” in my old introduction: for so long, that hole was my best-kept secret and my greatest shame. being competent and ambitious was an aspect of my personality, and I couldn’t handle the idea that it wasn’t true.

but then…. dearestkong emerged!! and I started being completely transparent. telling strangers about every day of self-destructiveness. it was a good form of accountability, sure, but it was also a means of telling the truth. this blog has been a way for me to say: i’ve been struggling, and it’s not a fluke or a “flop era” or something entirely disconnected from the high achiever i used to be. the girl fighting off inertia and the girl seemingly doing everything with ease are the same person.

🌷☆彡

my posts have been getting more optimistic recently, and that isn’t a fluke, either. lots of things have happened: i’ve realised how many people support and believe in me, i started taking medication for a problem i’ve had for a while (it’s crazy how the world seems so much brighter now?!!?!), i started writing in my diary again. i’m now 27 days clean from a self-destructive behaviour (this blog isn’t about my relationship with that, but in the early days i used to make a note of relapses and just the fact of acknowledging it felt so freeing to me. it wasn’t something to hide anymore, but a fight i was making progress with.)

this seems like a rapid evolution for such a new blog, right?! but in the next six months, i’m going to be applying to university. i’m about to undergo some of the most rapid evolutions of my life.

🌷☆彡

for so long, i’ve had this vague and unspecified dream: “doing the best” “working my hardest” “impressing my teachers”. now my dream has a name and a face and admissions results attached to it and it’s making me so scared that i want to throw up. when i was in the depths of the hole i couldn’t stop seeing my life as a binary. either i get in, or i don’t. and if i don’t, what the hell is the point of living?

38 days later and i feel a little differently. i am someone who has climbed out the hole of inertia and lived. i have done many things and they’ve all turned out fine— great, actually. i have reason to believe that things will go well.

i still have a pretty nasty relationship with myself, lol. it makes me really happy when people on this blog interact and talk, but they’re all so nice and it makes me feel a little fake. in reality i’m standoffish, awkward, and often mean. i coast by on intellectual abilities while slacking off. i’m a judgemental egoist who is sometimes self-destructive. all of that is true—>

but at the same time, i still have this crazy belief that i deserve the best. it’s literally an overflow of egoism ;;;; there’s nobody i’m more in love with than myself. i think of the girl i’ll be in the future with such affection, and i don’t want her to feel ashamed or resentful of me. she deserves to have her hopes fulfilled!! she deserves the brightest, the best that i can give her.

in conclusion: even if i don’t like the person i am at the present, i have to do it anyway. 1 because there’s no other option and 2 because i love the person i’ll be in the future too much to stop.

🌷☆彡

so from now on, the purpose of this blog is changing slightly. it’s no longer “get out of the hole and survive” like it used to be. we’re past that, we’re already surviving.

now, the aim is to “do my best so my future self can live with no regrets”. that’s not very concise but I’ll work on it.

let’s do this! 加油！

[dark-rob]

[artistsonthelam]

More of my highlights from Tuesday’s Art Basel Hong Kong VIP Preview:

1 - If this looks familiar, it’s because I took another selfie (wearing a different suit) with another version of this piece at 2016’s ABHK. Anish Kapoor, Random Triangle Mirror, Mennour.

2 - These garments are made of maps! Catalina Swinburn, No Land: The Water Ceremony, Selma Feriani.

3 - I like cute things. Detail of Ulala Imai, Party, Karma.

4 - Shoe selfie at ROH Projects.

5 - This changed colors. Bi Rongrong, A Quatrefoil Patterned Door • Reflection.

6 - Tsherin Sherpa, Stairways to Heaven, Rossi & Rossi.

7 - Francesco Simetti, Thalassa, Galleria Massimo Minini - Francesca Minini.

8 - These are paper cut outs. Seçkin Pirim, Thorn Garden Series, Dirimart.

// (c) Jenny Lam 2024

[yngai]

oh, oh ... man,

[offtomonde]

sunset city

📍ifc, central, hk

[bancho-zx]

【Game Boy Advance】 Mario vs. Donkey Kong ~Intro / Title / Attract demo

// Music: Lawrence Schwedler

// GBA Reflective TFT LCD screen

[cherryredcheol]

"dove"

tldr: all the way minghao uses your nickname a/n: i really like this one

murmurs: in the early hours of the morning

“dove,” he pushed your hair back off your forehead as he tried to wake you gently. the combination of an early morning arrival at the airport and a long line at security had left you both tired when you reached the private lounge. settling into plush armchairs across from one another, neither of you said anything, happy to just relax before boarding. he didn’t notice you’d dozed off until he looked up.

“you should eat something before we board.” you’d been together long enough now that he knew you’d be very grumpy later if you didn’t eat breakfast. he also knew this flight wasn’t long enough for a meal to be served so if you didn’t eat now you wouldn’t until you were back home and by then you’d be starving and he didn’t want that. 

“come on, dove, let me see those eyes,” he felt bad for waking you when you clearly needed the rest, but he knew you’d thank him once you had food in your belly. the four hours it took to get from hong kong back to seoul could be spent behind the darkness of your eyelids but right now he was determined to get you breakfast. “they have your favorite…”

scoffs: when he can’t tell if you’re kidding

“dove.” he’s shocked. when you asked him so sweetly this morning if you could pick his outfit for the day, he didn’t think twice before telling you yes. he trusted your sense of style and knew that you knew what he liked to wear. he had total faith in you, excited to spend the day in clothes you picked specifically for him. he had an interview this afternoon and it thrilled him that he would be filmed wearing your outfit and no one would even know but you two. 

“you’ve got to be kidding me.” looking in the mirror he’s horrified. met with the sight of clashing colors, patterns, and textures, he knows he can’t go out like this. he’s not sure where it all went wrong. you have such good taste, it was one of the many things he loved about you, but came up with this? pulling his eyes away from the clothes, he met your gaze in the reflection and saw your smirk. 

he turned to you, incredulous over your prank but relieved that you hadn’t been sincere in your choices. he was worried he was going to have to hurt your feelings by changing. “i have to leave soon and you’ve wasted time on this silly trick. go pick me out a real outfit, dove.” he pointed to the closet and watched your smile widen at his teasing words as you crossed the room to pick something sincerely this time. “make me look nice!”

probes: because he thinks you’ve had too much screen time

“dove?” he knows you asked to be left alone but that doesn’t feel right when you’re so clearly stressed. he’d been at your apartment for 30 minutes and you had not looked up from your laptop the entire time. he’s pretty sure you haven’t looked up from it all day and he’s worried you might be starting to fuse to your desk chair. he came over for movie night, excited because it was his choice this week, but at this point, he’d just be glad to see your eyes. 

“have you eaten today?” he was going to be persistent about this. you needed a break and he was not going to stop until you took one for the rest of the night, with him. he knew you had a lot on your plate and there was a lot that needed to get done but running yourself into the ground wasn’t going to accomplish anything. he was standing behind you, hands rubbing gently on your shoulders, offering support but also letting you know he wasn’t going to be leaving you alone anytime soon. 

“save your work and let’s order take-out.” his tone is a little strict but he wants you to take him seriously and listen. clearly understanding this, he watches your cursor travel across the screen to the save icon and feels satisfied when you push the computer closed. he smiles when you turn in the chair and stand to greet him properly, happy that you were not becoming one with your chair. he wraps you up in his arms and presses a soft kiss to the crown of your head. “you’re going to love my movie pick tonight.”

marvels: as you walk through the door

“dove,” he’s rendered near speechless at the sight of you walking out from the bathroom. dressed in your comfy pajamas, he can’t tear his eyes away. scrubbed clean and glowy from your products, he swears you shine brighter than any star he's ever seen. suddenly the mattress he’s stretched out on feels a little too cold without you. 

“you look so beautiful,” he compliments you with so much sincerity, hoping to convey how much he means it, hoping you can feel it. you were his sense of calm in the craziness of his life. strong, steady, and always here for him, he aspired to be the same for you. seeing you so soft, lit from the back by the vanity light, he was so sure you were it for him. 

“come join me,” he pouts at you, already anticipating the comforting weight of you in his arms, too impatient to wait any longer. his pout morphs into a smile watching you scurry to the bed, flopping onto the empty side he’s saved just for you. he’ll save a side of the bed for you for the rest of his life if you’d let him. “come here, dove. give me a good night kiss.” 

teases: while trying to encourage a new career move

“dove” he sing-songs from the other side of the space, trying to grab your attention. it was late, or early depending on interpretation, and only the two of you were left in the practice room. he was fooling around with different steps and filming some challenges. you were more than content to sit and watch, never much of a dancer. 

“come dance with me,” he holds a hand out to you, palm open and facing up in an invitation. you eye him wearily, his smile a touch too manic to not be interpreted as mischievous. you heave yourself off the floor, crossing the room to him, accepting his outstretched hand. the music playing isn’t something you recognize but it’s soft and sweet and sets the mood perfectly as he draws you close to his chest, swaying gently back and forth. 

“you could be a decent dancer with a little practice. probably not as good as me though,” he whispers this, trying to preserve the serene, romantic mood that had been set. but your giggles shatter the illusion, breaking the quiet and dragging him into his own fit of laughter. the moment was ruined, but he supposed laughing with you was just as romantic as a slow dance.