#knowing i'll never be that? i'll never be what anyone wanted? knowing that nobody wants me? refusing to be wanted?
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gn reader, reader is older than 18, younger than aizawa. suggestive.
having shota aizawa as your situationship (?) when you're coworkers is... weird. at first, at least. he feels weird not because you're a tad younger, but because he finds himself doing irrational things for you every day.
because why on god's beautiful earth is he sneaking around the teacher dorms just to get to your room in the wee hours of the night? the upturned corners of his lips have him pondering too—why he has the tiniest smile on his face whenever your surname pops up on his notifications, the world does not know.
your coworkers notice the change in behavior, yet nobody says anything directly to your face. probably because aizawa's almost never touches anyone yet his body is found gravitating towards yours, his fingers grazing yours when he and you exchange papers to grade, or his leg tangling itself with yours during teacher conferences.
but when there's no one else around? he can feel himself loosen up a bit, his hand cradling your jaw and caressing it oh-so softly with the excuse of there being a strand of hair in the way. or when he asks you, his teaching assistant, to dinner—to discuss the upcoming training for class 1-a, of course. or when he knows you've had a hard day and he's suddenly pushing your head into his chest, grumbling about how you need to let it all out in order to focus on other things later on. when the two of you are alone, he sighs whenever you address him, only two words daring to escape his lips.
"it's shota."
and sure, he pushes his feelings aside at first. because it's not rational to have feelings for his coworker. his conventionally young, hot and very smart coworker. the coworker who looks out for him more than any of his other coworkers do, the one who his class has basically accepted as their confidant, tutor, and loving parent.
aizawa feels ridiculous whenever you pop in his mind. because deep down he knows he's throwing all logic away whenever he's with you. the rule to never date a coworker goes in one ear and out the other when the war settles in. it's now or never, right? what if he doesn't get to live another day, what if you don't?
perhaps it's the fact that it's his birthday that has him overthinking. that must be it.
the thought to put a label on what you have never crosses his mind. it's his old man brain kicking in. he doesn't see a rush to label anything. he's yours, and you're his. what's the problem? does the whole world need to know your business?
unfortunately, they do. because his attraction for you goes unnoticed by the ones who aren't on inside his bubble. including ms. joke, who has your eye twitching from jealousy as her mouth seems to move in slow motion as she asks for his hand in marriage for what seems like the fifth time today.
and your mind runs. it goes on and on, you start feeling dizzy. it's not until later in the night when the homemade birthday cupcake with the candle is long forgotten in his nighstand, his hands desperately gripping your thighs as your hips roll against his. you sigh as your swollen lips part from his, gaze fixated on his lap as you try to avoid his eyes.
when he asks what's wrong, you simply shrug. "i know it's not my business since we're not exclusive, but what's the deal with you and joke?" aizawa can tell there's inconformity in your voice as his eyebrows furrow.
"we're not?"
shota aizawa is an idiot. an old, stupid idiot. is this the generational gap at work? you looked at him bewildered, "well, you never said anything about it, so i figured..."
his grip on you tightens. "who else are you seeing, y/n?"
you giggle as you shake your head. "no one else, you big goof. just you." it's during this moment when he feels like he can breathe again. he recomposes himself before replying, "joke likes to run her mouth. doesn't mean i'll concede her every word."
you smile before pressing a quick, sweet kiss to his lips. "do you want to be exclusive, shota? or perhaps are you building your own avengers roster?"
"see, when you put it like that..."
you gasp, playfully slapping his arm. his low, borderline sexy chuckle sends shivers down your spine as he raises his hand to cradle your jaw. "kidding. don't tire your pretty brain for things like that. tell you what, i don't pay any mind to joke—or anyone—because they're not you."
your whole body heats up from his statement. you stare at him in awe as he continues, "you're making me live a life i never lived in my youth."
smiling, you feel your eyes flutter close as your head unconsciously leans towards his chest. he's quick to get you off his lap and tuck you into his bed with him. how in the hell can you get sleepy in the middle of a—
"shota, i can still go on" you whine, a yawn betraying your plea. he shakes his head as his hands fiddle with the rubber band on his hair to let it loose. after switching off the lamp on his nightstand, he turns to you. "i'm a grown man, y/n. your needs come first, and you need sleep."
you smile at him as he lays down at your side, pulling the blanket to cover you both, leaving only your heads to be seen. "happy birthday, shota" you whisper, to which he smiles.
"i l... appreciate you, y/n. very much."
he's not revealing he's utterly lovesick. not anytime soon.
taglist (open): @stunies @hayatoseyepatch @okkotsushi @maruflix @nyxypoo
i'll add a banner later on maybe i'm too lazy. happy early birthday to aizawa sorry if he's ooc. first bnha work in like 4 years. not proofread i'm gonna hit the hay like aizawa and y/n.
#bnha x reader#mha x reader#aizawa x reader#shota aizawa x reader#shouta aizawa x reader#boku no hero academia x reader#my hero academia x reader#bnha x you#aizawa shota x reader
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mixed feelings w/ bruce wayne rules | m.list
note. hiii i'm back (who knows for how long lmao) but i wanted to write a fake dating au with bruce so here we go! feel free to request, i'll try to do them as soon as possible <3
How difficult it was to be the official girlfriend of no one else than Bruce Wayne himself. It was even more since you weren’t his real girlfriend but only a cover for him to always have someone to bring during those never ending galas. It wasn’t an easy life ; people were always asking questions about your relationship, about an intimacy you didn’t share with him at all.
Why would you be doing this? Because Bruce was paying you well. More than well actually, it was more than you could ever gain with a classic full-time job. There was no way you would let go of this opportunity just because you were tired of those fake asses everywhere. You were stronger than that, especially for so much money.
So here you were, talking with some women at one of those parties where he always brought you to. You could sense the jealousy and tension in their tone as they spoke to you. After all, you were supposedly dating the heir of Gotham, the most powerful man in this sick city. You could understand their behavior in a way, you would have probably not be better than them.
Until you heard a voice you couldn’t recognize. You had come to enough parties to know almost everyone by now, but this one? You couldn’t tell. When you turned around, your eyes laid on a charismatic man, with a charming smile. His blond soft locks were pushed back, giving him a clean look. Behind those blue eyes, you could feel a man that used to have his way with everyone ; you could recognize them so easily.
“Milady,” he took your hand in his, bringing it closer to his lip so he could leave a gentle kiss on the back of it, against the dark glove that was covering your delicate hand. You were a bit surprised, because no one ever dared touching you like this before. You were here with Bruce Wayne after all, nobody wanted this man against them.
“It’s an honor to be finally meeting the woman I have heard so much about.” His voice was smooth, too much for it to be without any second thought behind. But all you did was to smile gently at him, your soft gaze laying on his face. You had to be correct, polite ; it was the most important thing, as Bruce always said.
“And you are?” You asked without a harsh tone, just wanting to know who the man in front of you was. You were curious, you had to admit it. You weren’t used to this kind of behavior at all. And this is how you ended up spending some time with this man, without your supposed boyfriend noticing anything.
Until he did. And oh God, the man felt something ignite inside his veins. When his eyes laid on your figure, so close to this guy, all smiling and laughing like you rarely did with him, it didn’t feel right, not to him. You should be like this with him, not anyone else.
You were about to say something when you felt a hand resting against your hip. It didn’t take you long to recognize his touch ; those hands could be to one man alone. You looked at the man with your softest smile, the one you had so much practiced. But he wasn't looking at you. Oh no. All his attention was fixed on the blondie in front of you.
“Bruce Wayne! What a pleasure.” He offered his hand to Bruce, and you could feel his fingers slightly tensing around your hip. He shook the man’s hand, but it was pure politeness. He had an image to protect, but it was obvious that if it was only him, he would already have hit the guy right in the face for acting so casually with you.
You didn’t have time to talk much more with the man, because your ‘boyfriend’ decided it was enough for the night, and that you should both be going by now. You were in his expensive car as he drove you back to your apartment. The mood was… awful. Something felt so off, and you couldn’t understand what.
“What’s wrong with you?” You asked him, glancing at his figure in the driver’s seat. He frowned a little at his words, just enough for you to notice it. You sighed ; it was really feeling like talking to a child who doesn’t have the toy he wanted. “I did as you told me to, I tried to sympathize.”
A bitter chuckle left his lips at his words, and this time it was your turn to frown. You didn’t like that, when he was acting like it was your fault when you clearly didn’t do anything wrong. “Speak already!” You snapped at him and he suddenly stopped the car, letting a light gasp leaving your lips. You looked back at him, eyes widened.
“Are you mad?” You almost yelled at him, and this time he was looking right into your eyes. “You had fun with this stupid guy, uh? Was it so great?” Reality finally hit you. He was jealous. Bruce Wayne, the cold and indifferent heir of Gotham, was jealous of some random guy you spent the night with. You couldn’t believe it.
“Seriously? What are you scared of, that he paid me enough to leave? I won't-” You couldn’t finish your sentence, as Bruce reached your face with his hand to hold your chin between his fingers. He was calm, too calm. “I don’t care about how he could pay you. It’s not about money.”
Not about money? With him? Something was clearly wrong. “It’s about you. You shouldn’t have eyes for anyone else other than me.” He let go of your chin, putting his hand back on the steering wheel, focusing on the road again.
It was difficult to follow a man who had such mixed feelings, so tortured in his mind. You simply glanced at him, before you looked through the window, waiting for the car to finally arrive at your place. It was not like you could do anything about this anyway.
Time would tell how things will turn out, but no one other than Bruce could change how it was.
thank you for reading!
#bruce wayne#bruce wayne x reader#bruce wayne headcanon#batman#batman x reader#batman headcanon#dc comics#dc x reader#dc batman#dc bruce wayne#x reader
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East Palace, West Palace in ep5 of Blue Canvas of Youthful Days
I have been punched in the solar plexus by Blue Canvas of Youthful Days episode 5. So much happens in that episode that is overwhelming, from Qi Lu setting up a Netflix-and-chill date with the clear intention of making a move, to his putting on the famous film East Palace, West Palace (1996), to Qi Lu hiding Qin Xiao in the closet, to Qi Lu's panic at his father realizing he's been lied to, to the devastatingly practiced way Teacher Liu steps to Qi Lu being abused and handles his father, to the way Qi Lu shuts down, to the way QIn Xiao keeps sending mixed signals and Qi Lu calls him on it directly. And nobody else in this episode let me rest either; Tan Fan trying to ask Teacher Liu to wait for him and Liu brushing him off AGAIN, and Turtle trying to call out
@lurkingshan was already more coherent than I can be right now about what happened in the episode in her post.
So instead I want to focus on some queer cinema history that this episode evoked by using East Palace, West Palace as the film that Qi Lu shows to QIn Xiao.
For those who don't know, EPWP is considered to be the first realistic depiction of a gay man in film by a mainland Chinese production. It is to my knowledge the first time a gay man says "I love you" to another man on screen. It was made before being gay was decriminalized in China (1997), and it was filmed by an independent production company and smuggled out of China to France in order to be finished and distributed. It ended up at the Cannes festival in 1997, but the director's passport was seized and he was placed under house arrest to prevent him from attending. Despite pressure to pull the film, it still aired that year. In 1998, the Film Law was passed to prevent anyone from making films outside of the studio system (and therefore censorship review), effectively preventing anything like EPWP from being made in the future.
The film is about a gay man who cruises in the notorious bathrooms in the parks on either side of Tiananmen Square getting harassed by police officers (a situation extremely familiar to the historical queer experience in Canada [where I'm from] as well) and playing what I'd describe as a psychological game with one of them; A Lan kisses the cop, runs, and then gets caught a second time, and uses the second police confession as an excuse to tell his life's story in the public record, all while pushing the police officer a little further into deviance. As far as I'm aware, this film has been banned in China since being made and never shown (please correct me if I'm wrong about that!).
This is hitting me hard because of the much more recent history of Blue Canvas of Youthful Days itself. As most of you know, but I'll capture here for posterity, episodes 1-4 of this show aired on iQIYI (a China-based app) on August 6, and within 24 hours they were pulled from the app with no information about the future episodes being shown. When I watched episode 5 today, after waiting for it for 3 months, I was immediately hit with a wave of anger that this gorgeous, emotionally moving and powerful episode had been held back from public consumption for months, for the same reasons that the film being shown within the episode had been withheld from viewing in its own country.
Censorship is such an ugly thing, it's hard to articulate but the emotions around it are so strong because we know, when they pull or refuse to show media that depicts our lives, it's because they don't want our lives to be real; they don't want us to exist. It's a very real threat. And to have this episode--which is all about an abused boy who is in very real danger but so bravely insisting that he shoot his shot and take his best chance at love and happiness anyway, using the iconic confession scene from one of the most famous banned films in Chinese queer cinema history to do it--to have this episode be the one that was prevented from airing......I am overwhelmed.
In the scenes they watch in episode 5, A Lan tries to prevent the officer from uncuffing him, and then the officer lets him go, but A Lan doesn't go far and comes back. He declares his love to the officer's face, and demands that his love be acknowledged and not dismissed. And the officer does not know what to do with it and reacts with violence, which is partially what A Lan has been angling at all along. The show really played with this by having all three of the couples in the show stymied by having their overtures dismissed this episode, but we almost didn't get to see it.
I'm so grateful this got distribution now, and on multiple platforms. Blue Canvas of Youthful Days is airing Saturdays and Sundays on GagaOOLala and Youtube (note, as per @thisonelikesaliens's excellent language posts, the subs on Gaga are much better), and on Mondays on Viki. I know there is an avalanche of content right now, but this show is so good and worked so hard to make it to us, please give it some love!
#blue canvas of youthful days#east palace west palace (1996)#typed so that i can stop thinking it#queer history
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edit: ive updated dis post with links to the brushes i made, pls check reblogs ^_^
#brushes#a doodley#lmk if anyone wants the brushes ive made ^_^ i dont wanna lamely post if nobody wants em LOL#also lmk whats the best way to share em O_O shld i put them on the csp asset store??? never done dis....#realizing now those last brushes look rly crunched! the final mini smunker was drawn with my magmatic brush#if anyone wants to know any other brushes jst ask‚ link me to the drawing + I'll try 2 remember ^_^
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detransition is something that should Absolutely be talked about but the idea of going into this tag terrifies me beyond belief
#ramble#things they'll never tell you about detransition:#it is Not always by choice!! a lot of the time it's for financial/social reasons#and a lot of detransitioners go on to retransition#technically i'm a detransitioner BECAUSE of terf/transmed bullshit and i'll tell the story if anyone is interested#and like. the people in the news aren't the average detransitioner#they're saying 'it wasn't right for me so therefore nobody should have it'#also trans people and detransitioners are not enemies. we don't hate eachother#idk i have a lot of thoughts and i can't articulate them but i know what i want to say
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i feel like half of my posts are just hidden from other people's dashes bc like 80% of what i post is just not seen by anyone
#and i hate feeling like im begging for attention#i hate making posts like this#its just i get. really scared. like im either doing something wrong or i just suck or im not fun#i hate feeling alone and isolated it's. one of my worst fears#and i don't know what to do in these situations#i hate feeling like i have to constantly remind people i exist at all it scares the hell out of me#but also i feel horrible and stupid for just crying about nobody liking my stupid fucking posts#i don't use any other social media this is the only place i interact with people so this is kind of all i get#and i started posting more bc i thought maybe if i just do that I'll get something#but it feels like every note i get is solely for that one popular post i have and nothing else#i dont like. need comments or reblogs just like. idk. seeing the 0 notes makes me feel invisible like i never posted#i feel like exactly 5 people ever interact with me and even then it's only on a few posts#am i doing something wrong? did i break some unspoken rule i didn't know about again? i don't know#am i just annoying#i#i just#we've been so so blurry lately and we keep begging for people to talk to us so we don't forget our system completely#because we don't keep track of this stuff without external motivation so we need to talk about ourselves to someone#we lost our only system irl bc they turned out to be a predator and now we have nobody to talk about system stuff to#i just . want a friend to talk to#i just want to talk to anyone
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Lucy and Marona animatic of call them brothers by Regina Spektor and Only Son..
#duck speaks#psychonauts#haunted by an animatic I'll never make#but like.#over and over they call us their friend. can't we find something else to pretend ?#like nobody won and we're safe at the end ?#<- Lucy thinking about what if maybe it was different and Marona was safe..#I think mostly it would be her thinking back on it while she's older now and there's nothing that can be done#and then the um.#in the darkness the film machines spinning. so let's leave it on#we'll be out in the street before anyone knows that we're gone#<- her imagination still but them younger now (like teens or something idk)#maybe if they ran away then none of this would've happened..#and the.#the hunt is on. everyone's chasing. everyone's chasing a shot#a shot rings out. nobody wants it. nobody wants it to stop#<- her memories of what happened when she was Maligula coming through even though she's trying not to think about that#it could probably be either with the flood and what happened to Marona or even the fight with her friends and what happened to Helmut#maybe both ?#and then the last chorus would be her realizing that she can't fix the past and get Marona back..#but she still has family she can spend time with (the Aquatos and psychic 7)#idk about the other choruses much though.. probably at least one of those would have something to do with the locket in her brain world#but ough#Lucy and Marona...#um.#psychonauts 2 spoilers#probably I should have that there huh
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I'm sorry, Mari, I know you don't want to talk about it anymore, but why is it so problematic to repost other photos? I feel like one of the biggest reasons people do it is because they don't know why. I understand that you can't publish images of chapters that have to be paid for like webtoon or merch (although I don't know why either) but wmmap has already ended years ago so I don't understand what the problem would be.
Yeah, it's as you've said, firstly, because most of it is paid content. That's why you'll see that manhwa accounts on Twitter almost always post proof of them having purchased the chapters. Secondly, because this fandom has a huge reposting problem in general (art, fics, translations, edits, etc). For "regular" pictures I have less of an issue, but if it's "exclusive" content, I feel like I'm already edging the line of what is respectful to publish/leak. Yes, there are hundreds of illegal uploads of the manhwa, but that's not something I wanna promote. I wanna encourage people to support the author. Spoon has also spoken about this a bunch of times. But I guess some people might disagree with my stance.
Let me put it like this. When I stay up until 5am to watch a Chinese stream and get news about the donghua, and people immediately repost the pictures without keeping my @, it's tiring. When I spend my own money to attent Spoon's art class (at 3am), take notes, work with Japanese and Chinese fans/friends to provide English fans a translation and summary, and people immediately repost it without asking, it makes me wonder why I even bother. The last thing I want is to sound all "oh, woe is me" though, that's why I haven't spoken about this many times (I believe this is the second time in 4 years I bring it up).
For pictures that have translated content (such as what Lithi does), I think it's way worse, because you are basically "stealing" their labor without any credit. Fan translators already operate in a grey area, legally speaking. There has been a lot of drama in the fandom around this subject, and in general, translators hate to see their work reposted. Most of them have deleted their translations because of this (Ever wonder why you can't find fan TLs of the novel very easily anymore? Lithi has also deleted a bunch of her novel posts and I don't blame her). Sure, reposting a single picture/page might not be big deal, but this has happened a million times.
And then there are instances when people straight up copy posts word for word, pic for pic, which is just kinda annoying/comes across as clout-chasing. Not reposting other people's posts is kind of online etiquette.
#did you know i was who broke the news about the donghua 2 years ago to the western side of the fandom? (humble brag) /j#idk but its my own policy to never repost anyone else's content no matter what it is#i always try to go to the source of the picture if its publicly available or pay for it if its not#and if its something like a photo op took i always ask them for permission beforehand and include their name in the post#also re: the paid content point. There's a single Athy picture I've never posted anywhere and I know nobody else has either#cuz it was given to the people who attended Spoon's class under the promise to not publish it#would we Actually get in trouble if we did? probably not. but its the respectful thing to do. the JP fandom has this etiquette too#also i'll say it it bothers me much more when people do it to lithi than me. i wouldn't be here if lithi hadn't taugh me how to use Ridi#anyways not talking about this ever again! i want my blog to be fun. if people have questions my dms are always open
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It is so fucking dire. My dream. Of Summer Sharena. Over. Sniped. By my most hated banner of all fucking time. I have so many problems. This is going to be torture. Crafted for me, specifically. She is undeniably adorable. A duo w Veronica is undeniably adorable. This is like a Saw trap to me. I'm dying in a fucking Saw trap right now.
#dude.......... i have so much emotional baggage i am not even gonna pretend i don't.#this is psychological horror to me. this is torture to me. and the worst part is is. she's adorable. and i love her.#LIKE..... that really is the worst fucking part. well no actually the worst part is that it came to this in the first place.#i'm gonna throw up. i'm gonna die. i'm gonna lock myself in the bathroom. i'm gonna cry.#literally this is my 9/11. i'm not kidding#literally like what can i say without saying way too fucking much. i was severely traumatized by my upbringing#andnthe expectations communicated to me directly/indirectly and the rest i just filled in the blanks and took it upon myself?#that everyone thinks i'm insane bc they never said that? even though like. that was clearly communicated to me. somehow.#knowing i'll never be that? i'll never be what anyone wanted? knowing that nobody wants me? refusing to be wanted?#bro.#everybody get divorced right fucking now. for mw#for me.
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I used to be funny you know? I used to have good humour and now every time I try to crack a joke I just feel awkward like I could've gotten that one delivered so much better. Smitten with the curse of not being able to be serious while also being horrible at being silly. If you ask me I'd rather be smitten with other curses but such is life I suppose.
#people say I'm funny but when have I ever made anyone genuinely laugh is the question you know?#it's horrible when most of your idols are comedians or well rather actors that got famour through comedy and fictional characters who are#just funny in their own way and it's one of the most desirable qualities in a person don't you know#a good sense of humour is very important it's just a shame I don't really have it#I wish I knew how to make people laugh I really do#I'd hate to be boring on top of all my pthwr personality deficits#the awkwardness I can live with the theatrics I can accept and the lame humour i don't like but what other choice remains#but boring no I don't want to be boring#nobody ever talks about me though and I don't like that#not even negatively#i hate that i really do#everyone just thinks I'm nice I'm just nice and nothing else I'm a footnote in a world full of interesting people I'm the nice one#that you don't have an opinion on except “nice''#thats why I'd be happy about anon hate to an extent because that means someone thought about me#i always think about how once I'm dead I'll just vanish and I don't want that#i want to leave /something/ in this world I don't want to live my life being an afterthought and then be forgotten in death#i don't even mind being lame but I just don't want to be nothing#my head hurts again I should stop thinking ugh this is what happens when you sit in silence for too long#oh i don't know I guess it really is just the fact that when you constantly look at the stars and want to reach their light it's hard#to deal with the way that you're stuck on the ground and will never even get close no matter how hard you try#but such is life I suppose there's no use in lamenting the spilled milk#delete later
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#vent#I think the reason I've been so hesitant to share my art or be satisfied with it is because#no one really likes it#I mean I get likes and the occasional comment but the only reblogs I ever get are from myself and one other person#And I get that I'm creating for myself and it's rude to ask people to reblog but#do you know how demotivating it is to see a reblog get more notes than your art?#to see fan works made in under an hour get more attention than stories you've spent months crafting?#God I know I'm fucking evil for wanting just a little attention but I'm just tired#I haven't even posted art of my newest characters because I know nobody would give a shit#I've been stalling on posting a story for a year because I just can't find the motivation because no one would care#I see artists I follow and look up to post their personal stories and get so many notes and asks about it#enough to make their own ask blogs and comics and get fan art#but when I post my own stories I get like 5 notes at max#I'm just so sick of it#Why should I bother showing my art to anyone if no one gives a shit#It'd be better if I just deleted my fucking art blogs because I'm the only one who cares about them at this point#I just want validation that what I'm making isn't complete shit but I'll never get that because no one reblogs anyone that begs#I only have like 3 people to confide in#meanwhile my sister has entire fandoms supporting her projects#I don't know man I don't want to dwell on it but I just can't bring myself to create anymore#my motivation is gone#I shouldn't care this much I know
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I also just hate that the idea of being delusional could land me in so much hot water down the line, I don't want to be disregarded and sent away. I don't want to lose the kids I don't even have because of someone else's judgement. I just want to paint when I'm 40. I'm probably dealing with enough grief by then and it's just day to day. Trying to live in the moment and do my best
#and i just can't forgive you guys for that... even though it's not real and hasnt happened#i guess maybe what i can't do is forgive mys— was i about to type myself? hold that thought#i was going to say i can't forgive my parents and it's pinging off that very polished shield because i never let myself feel angry about it#in the first place. you know? i skipped straight to acceptance because no amount of bargaining was going to get me out of that situation.#ok. ok. no it's my bad. I'll take whatever comes out of this. <- even this is extremely reductive. i need an echelon of words to regard—#even the subject.#um. but maybe it's actually that I can't forgive myself for being in that position in the first place. for bringing that situation on myself#...#and i can't forgive myself for whatever I will do that will bring about this hypothetical future loss and excursion into pain and loneliness#if i just kept everything to myself and never let anyone in then nobody would ever... i mean nothing like that could ever happen#and that's what I did the first time. extreme isolation. ask me how it went#but sharing nything still feels like <cosmic boom> it's so calculated and careful and... is it? i can't say anything. i can't even look at-#myself.#anything that would upset my dad has to be thrown out the window. anything that would endanger my family is gone. it just. has to be.#my entire me is just... smoke waiting to go up in flames. that's nonsensical#i want to go home. i want to be 5 years old but actually three. and i want my older brother to not be angry with me.#i miss Chiron i miss Paulie i miss... the fluid nature of things. and light. i miss you stupidhead. i want to go home.#anyway ok that's enough for this entry!#but yeah i never could forgive myself if i *brought it on myself* nd more importantly. can't stress this enough. on us#it doesn't even matter if i am crazy if i need help because. that in itself endangers the family. do you see? so i can't have it
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Family is clearly just prolonging my and my mother's misery by forcing me to text her on special occasions and send her gifts, which is giving her false hope that her only boxing bag might come back and endure whatever she decides to take out on it again.
#if it were up to me I'd block her number and never even hear anything about her again#she made her choices and I swear to god i tried to be a good daughter and take them#when university told me that we should try to stay in contact with people in cults because it's much harder to get out without#a support system i tried to take it because of that if nothing else. i told myself that I'll take it. that I'll take it because maybe one#day she'll want out. i tried to.#maybe I didn't try hard enough I don't know. and if that's right then the universe can add it to my endless list of sins which makes me#not a human. the universe can add it to the list of reasons for why I'll never lead a happy life and why I'm better off dead.#that's what I've been told when i was growing up after all.#i tried to but it's just. it's her life or mine. and if she were mean just to me I'd let her take it. if it were just me I'd let her say all#those horrible things to me and I'd stand there and let her punch my limbs until they go numb like i always have#and I'd let her tell me that nobody will ever love me and I'd let her do her invasive checks of my body and I'd let her have those#episodes of searching through my entire room and breaking into my accounts to see if I'm saying anything about her ever to anyone#and calling my doctors and telling them that I'm crazy and not to believe a word i say.#I'd let her do all that as i always have. but she's horrible to my friends and horrible to strangers and it's just too much for me.#I don't want to hear that my friend killed herself in vain and I don't want to hear that you'll never use her name because#'it was just a year before he offed himself so it doesn't count.'#I don't want to hear any of it. i don't want to hear that all my friends hate me and I don't want to hear how horrible they are#and i don't want to hear slurs you use against them and I don't want to hear you say those things about random people you#meet on the street and i don't want to hear you passing moral judgement on strangers because of the way they do their hair#or the way they dress or the way they were born.#I don't want to hear that all my friends with tattoos are rotten and that cancer awaits them as punishment#I don't want to hear any of it. I'm sick of it. i don't want to hear 'youre a censoring bootlicker' whenever i say that i would like you#to tone it down. 'its my opinion. i have a right to free speech.' free speech is not saying that my friends should die.
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went to guitar store today and had a typical guitar store interaction. I told the dude at the counter what I was looking for, he pointed in a direction, and the dude that overheard me ask then kinda followed me in that direction and pointed out a piece of gear to me and told me it was really good option. I did not ask for this. I did not even really notice him before then. I didn't say anything and waited for him to walk away. Once I reached the indicated corner of the store, I asked another dude my question and then had the typical experience of someone else that worked there overhearing us and deciding to interrupt both me and their coworker several times as we talked about the thing, adding nothing to the conversation because they would say something and trail off and then come back again and do it all again
#the only thing I'll say to defend these people is that the guitar gear world is terribly elitist and superstitious#So when you're a dude and you like gear and you end up knowing relatively useless facts - you just NEED to tell someone#BUT bc most dudes are terribly socialized they struggle to hold a conversation esp about technical topics#and so they don't often feel fulfilled talking to other gear-heads#They have so many toys and hardly nobody to tell about them#the general world of dudes is this sterile place where they hardly converse about things - not for lack of want tho#layers and layers of poor socialization about how to converse and how to share and how to negotiate it all in everday settings#I just want to understand the 'why' behind electric guitar sound or tone and not be preached to#can't we all be curious together and share knowledge in useful ways???#can't we find a way to have the least amount of gear possible and understand why and how that's all we need?#it drives me crazy to be around deeply technical people that can't communicate their knowledge well to anyone#unless you already know how to jump past the nonsense the answer to any gear question will be useless#'ya definitely get the Gibsal Slammer - it has the most push into the knobs of any of the sledges on the market today'#'it's what hendrix used for that album he recorded at Abby Blvd with the Left Gents'#'if you roll back the ringles just a little you'll get what George Nixon called 'almond tone''#'unless you fully inflate the fujoMax 1000 you'll never have enough underwire for that really wooly swirl'#my blog#electric guitar#guitar#gear head
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Sometimes at work it's not my place to tell people the things I want to say, and I find I often go home at the end of the rougher days to stand blankly in my shower and tell myself over and over what I wish I could pass on.
This accomplishes very little, and mostly just gives me a tension headache, but through it all I think I've narrowed myself down to a few solid things I'd like to tell people the most.
You can't change people. Not permanently, not for anythig. You can support them, encourage them, love them, give them tools and opportunities and resources, but you can't make them change. They can change themselves if they want to, but they have to want to, and they have to want it for themselves, because they're the only one that's certain to be with them forever.
For better or worse, you make your own choices, and blaming bad choices on others doesn't only work to absolve you of responsibility- it also robs you of control. Because if you say you only did something because I did something, then you arent only shifting blame- you're admitting that you cannot control yourself, that you cannot truly make choices for yourself, that other people can control you- and as long as you truly beleive that, you'll keep facing the same problems over and over. You'll keep letting others dictate your choices, because you'll beleive that they can, and you'll never be free.
White knights on horseback are from fairytales. Nobody can help you if ou're not willing to help yourself. To try, to put the dirty work in, to belive you're worth that effort- Act as though nobody is coming to save you. From a struggle, from pain, from bad relationships, from yourself. And when you do save yourself, because you will, because failure here isn't an option if you want to survive, you'll never find another dragon that can keep you prisoner.
Don't say anything to anyone that you wouldn't want them remembering forever.
Doing the right thing in bad circumstances is hard. It's the hardest thing. But if you make the choice to do that hard thing anyways, despite your fear, you'll go on the rest of your like knowing that you're the sort of person who did something.
The present only seems the hardest because the past I over and the future hasn't happened.
There's so much joy ahead of you, the kind you can't possibly understand until you see it yourself.
The responsibility of consequences is often disguised as the power of permission. "I won't do this if you help me", "I'll work on my anger if you do this for me", "I promised you I'd quit, but can I have just one?". The unspoken question is, "Can it be your fault if this goes badly?"
You cant make someone love you the way you need to be loved. Someone can love you very much and still be bad for you, even if you love them very much in return. Two people can love each other very, very much, and try their very best, and still be wrong for each other.
Sometimes being near to someone changes you, even in good ways, and the people you become don't fit together as well as the people you were.
Caring takes work. Even if it's real. Especially if it's real. And the most important gestures aren't the grand, poetic, songs-and-flowers-and-tears moments; they're getting out of bed even though you don't want to. Paying attention to things you don't enjoy. Scrubbing pans, or opening a window, saying "thank-you", or helping carry groceries into the house. The small things fill the big things- without the small, boring, mediocre things, big things feel hollow.
Thrre is honour and dignity in humble work.
If you are a cruel and spiteful person, then you will find every place you visit to be full of the same cruel, spiteful people. This is not because the world is as cruel as you, but because everywhere you are, you will be disliked. This is the curse that comes with being persistently cruel and spiteful.
If you are a kind and ppsitive person, you will repeatedly encounter kind and positive people, because as they grow familiar with you, they will be happier to have you near. This is the reward of being a kind and positive person.
When splitting paths with loved ones, briefly or forever, aim for your last words to always be "I love you".
#I'm still so young and ignorant#but I wish someone had told ME these things before I had to learn them#And now when shit goes south and everything is over and calm again the same things just roll though my head#Over and over and over#It's like everyone I meet has the same 3 problems and its ruining their lives#I just want to take everyone I meet by the shoulders and shake them#I KNOW why this is happening to you#Do you realize you can be better?#Do you realize you can do it?#Aren't you terrified of wasting your life like this?#*I* want to be happier#*I* used to be so much worse than I am#And I don't have it all figured out#But if we all decide to help ourselves then it'll be that much easier to help each other#Right?#It's so hard to lift dead weight#You need to kick against the waves with me#You need to WANT to float#Do you understand#Ugh it's 6am#This has been your overdramatic midnight ramble#Imma grill me a cheese and go back to bed#Blaurfhgh
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#i usually put this kind of stuff in the drafts so you don't need to read it. go ahead if you want i don't care just like. don't respond lol#but this is just for me to vent publicly so it feels like the thoughts went somewhere#my sister's best friend's mom just got put in hospice and they say she has about 3 more days#and i could hear my little sister bawling when my mom told her and it's breaking my heart#they're barely teenagers they're too young for this#and my mom's trying to write an email to the father and she can't fucking do it. i wanna help but she doesn't want any which i get#i can hear my sister either giggling or crying in her room right now i can't tell which but it sounds more like laughing. i hope it is#my mom and my sister are going to do to the hospice room to say goodbye to her i think tomorrow#and i really just want to be able to hang out with my sister bc i know it's gonna be really scary for her after but i have to work#if one person complains about their problems to me at work tomorrow i'm gonna get fucking fired for what i do next#that's probably not true but i'm gonna feel like it#i don't know this woman but i know my sister loves her and my mom is friends with the father so i mean i'm not really grieving but they are#and i wish i knew what to do#at least this was somewhat expected like she was in the later stages of her cancer but i don't think anyone was thinking it would happen no#i don't know if i should post this. i want to because i have so many posts like this in my drafts and it never makes me feel any better#but i don't like sharing ultra personal stuff like this especially about other people even if nobody knows who i am#i'll post it for now but i'll delete it later. i just need it to be out there a little bit so there's proof it exists#i think this is something i should be adding trigger tags for?#tw cancer#tw death#tw grief#shut up hanna
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