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tasavvur-e-jaana · 1 year ago

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Will you be my Valentine?

Old RRR drabble. A companion piece to 'Blessings Beneath the Stars'.

Not a love story, but a story about love.

Posting my old works after they were lost.

Hopefully still worth a read.

"Will you be my Valentine?" The younger man mapped out the words carefully, pausing after each syllable, as if tasting them on his tongue, leaving Ram suffocating with each uttered word. His breath was hitching, his throat closing, heart galloping a mile a minute as his mind worked out a million different scenarios where this was true. Alas! When did Ram ever get what he desired anyway? His eyes threatened to well up, the older man concentrating too much as if that would help keep his tear ducts in check.

"Aise hi kehte hain na Anna? Koi galti toh nahi kar raha hoon na main?" (These are the words, right? Am I pronouncing them correctly?)

The next voice, a clearer, deeper baritone brought Ram out of his pipe dream. Anna. Bhai. Bhaiya. It was extremely clear to the gond man where he stood on his relationship with Ram. He shook his head internally, his lips forming the most fake and widest smile they could which absolutely did not reach his eyes.

"Han Bheem. Bilkul theek kaha tumne. Bas zara himmat se poochna ab. Bina koi hichkichahat." (Yes Bheem. Absolutely correct. Now just say it with confidence.) His hands involuntarily reached to fix the bow tie for a millionth time even if it was perfect from the start. His thumb brushed the bow, fingers itching to touch the skin beyond the fabric just once, a pent up desperation that resurfaced once more, the close proximity and the fresh scent of the curly haired man not making it any easier.

Ram brushed his knuckles on the jaw as if to check one last time if the beard was trimmed properly and was still fluffy. Bheem giggling like a little girl at the cold touch of the slightly trembling hands. The younger man looked away, eyes cast down as he took Ram's hand from his face into his own. "Anna! Bas bhi karo! Kitna theek karoge? Main koi film ka nayak thode hi hoon?" (Anna! Let it be! How many times will you adjust it? I am not some hero of a movie.)

Tum kisi bhi hero se kai zyada khubsurat ho meri jaan! (You are far more handsome than any hero, my love!)

He wanted to say, to confess, to blurt out the words dancing on his treacherous tongue. The older man clenched tight to prevent them from escaping. He took a deep breath, chastising himself internally, yelling at his splintering heart to keep it together. Only a few minutes now and then he'd go into the forest and let it out. Only a few minutes. He could do that! He'd endured years of torture, what was a couple of measly moments?

"Shush!" He said out loud. "Sab perfect hona chahiye aaj ke liye." (Everything should be perfect for today.)

"Per-fect?" Bheem mumbled the words under his breath and was reminded how Jenny had taught him. "Aah!" He exclaimed, thrumming with exciting and nervous energy, "Jab mere perfect anna ne mujhe taiyaar kiya hai toh kaise nahi hoga sab perfect?" (When my perfect anna has groomed me then how will it not be perfect?) He beamed. And how Ram wanted to grab him at that moment and kiss him, shake him, to stop him. To let him know that Ram loved him more than anyone ever could… truly, deeply, madly, irrevocably. Ironically it was the precise reason Ram had to let him go. Not that it hurt less. But when did it ever? Ram and pain were entwined together more than any soulmates could be.

Nonetheless, Ram could not help the blush that crept its way up his cheeks, painting them crimson. He smiled. A partly genuine smile of course because how could he not when Bheem was a sight to behold- dressed in pale blue shirt with embossed check design on the softest cotton, with a dark grey trouser, a cute little matching bowtie and those suspenders. It was an outfit that he had gotten for the younger man when Bheem had gushed to Ram about asking Jenny on this valentine’s day. It was sort of their anniversary and Ram gave him the idea to wear western clothes for her. Not because he’d get to dress Bheem again and the fact that he looked absolutely ravishing in the form fitting attire.

“Kuchh bhi mat bolo Bheem! Tumhe Jenny ke saath flirt karna hai- uske liye bacha kar rakho yeh sab…” (You really don’t have a filter, do you? Save all this flirting for Jenny.) He faux reprimanded. The heaviness in his heart relieved a little at the joy emanating from Bheem. It was contagious, the happiness that the honey-eyed man spread around without even realising it, the older man feeling lighter, a little bit jubilant at his friend’s elation. Bheem pressed his hand once, which was still enclasped in the calloused, huge palms of the younger man, as Bheem retained all the sincerity in those wonderfully deep doe eyes as he began. “Ram,” he began, the older man’s heart skipping a beat and starting to once again. He was sure to die from arrhythmia because of Bheem one day.

“Shukriya. Maine kaha nahi aapse.” (Thank you. I didn’t say it before.)

“Bheem iski-” (Bheem it’s-) a palm on his lips stopped his words and his breath alike.

“Mujhe keh lene dijiye. Main samajhta hun aaj ka din mohabbat ko manaane ka din hai, haina?” Ram nodded, as the younger man took away his hand making Ram miss the warmth. “Chahe wo aashiqui ho, dosti ho, ya kuchh bhi. Pyaar ke kai roop hote hain aur mujhe lagta hai un sab ka apna tavajjuh hai. Koi bhi ishq kisi dusre se kam nahi. Toh aaj main aapse bhi yeh kehna chahta hun, main aap se bahot pyaar karta hun- hamesha hi karta rahunga. Aapki dosti mujhe jaan se bhi zyada aziz hai, Ram.”

(Let me say it. As I understand, today is the day to celebrate love, is it not? Be it amour, friendship, anything else. Love has many forms and I think they all are equally important. No love is lesser than the other. So, today, I want to convey this to you too. I love you- I will always love you. Your friendship is dear to me more than my life, Ram.)

Suddenly Ram was engulfed in one of the trademark Bheem bear-hugs. Those hugs had the power to cure every ailment. And Ram was held so tight, his heart which was torn and tattered and wounded, began to heal. How could he ever be a thorn in the way of happiness of such a pure being? How could he ever demand Bheem be only his? To Ram, this was the moment he realised he would bury his feelings deep, because there was no point. He could be fine, admiring Bheem from afar, being his close friend, his confidante, his support and his wingman till he was needed. The younger man’s contentment was paramount.

He clutched the gond man tight, relishing every morsel of affection bestowed on him, cherishing the little moments, fully aware that life would only grant him so much. And that it had to be enough. Amongst all the life’s curveballs that had come his way, meeting Bheem was the most unexpected and the most amazing of them all. After all said and done, the curveballs within the curveballs of their journey- it was a loop really, Ram had been extremely grateful that Bheem had chosen to be his friend. If not more.

"Bheem main-", (Bheem I-) they separated, the older man reluctant to let him go, still holding him by the waist.

"Anna!" An interruption. "Jenny akka aapko kab se dhundh rahi hain aur aap abhi tak yahin ho?" (Jenny akka is looking for you and you are still here?) A breathless Lacchu stopped just a few feet short of the embracing duo. Ram loathed his timing, cursing under his breath, his hands slipping away to his sides, his head hung low. Leave it to Lacchu to ruin his special moments. He wanted to glare at the newcomer, but finally after what felt like an eternity he was beginning to tolerate his presence, his friendship with Bheem. Ram absolutely didn't want to jeopardize that.

"Offo! Der ho gayi!" (Oops. I’m late!) Bheem turned in a blink ready to leave, Ram plastered a wide grin on his face to wish him all the luck, not that he needed it. Before he could, the gond man turned once again, facing Ram, looking at him with utmost excitement, “Ek baar aur dekh lo. Sab sahi hai na?” (For the last time, is everything alright?)

Ram laughed, a pearly laugh that sounded strange even to his ears, Lacchu smirking knowingly in the background. He ran his fingers through those soft styled curls once more, making them more unruly and fluffier if it even was possible, a halo around the honey-eyed man- how could he not? It was the perfect opportunity. “Bahot sundar lag rahe ho Bheem.” (You are very handsome Bheem.) He could not keep it in, eyes growing moist again, lips turning infinitesimally down as his hand slipped away. What Bheem did next was so unexpected that Ram nearly had a heart attack. “Shurkiya!” (Thank you!) He yelled with unbridled enthusiasm and pecked Ram on the cheek as he ran off to meet waiting Jenny across the dusty path paved in the greens.

Ram smiled softly, his eyes twinkling as he brought his hand to his cheek, which was tinged with red at Bheem’s gesture, the fingers then pressing demurely, a feather soft touch on his lips-

"Ishq bhi badi kutti cheez hai, hai na?" (You're so far gone, huh?) Ram was startled by the familiar voice. Shit! He'd totally forgotten about Lacchu who was still standing there. Ram turned away, kicking the ground. The dust swirled around and settled in a moment, a patch of semi dried grass uprooted. Now that Bheem was gone, the melancholy returned. All the thoughts that his positivity was keeping at bay came rushing in like the waters when the doors of the dam are opened.

“Han, han! Tum bhi Jale hue pe namak chhidak ne ke maze le lo!" (Kick a man when he’s down, why don’t you?) he quipped and instantly regretted it. He opened his mouth to apologise the next moment only to be countered by the younger man.

“Kuchh logon ki tarah meri woh aadat nahi hai. Tum jaante hi ho." (Unlike some people, I don’t do that.) A simple statement that cut him deep. A self-deprecating chortle rang empty in the woods, Ram trying to laugh his pain away. His eyes met Lacchu's and to his surprise, Ram found the younger man serious, not at all mocking contrary to his usual patented Cheshire cat grin when he's making fun of Ram or belittling him.

"Mujhe maaf karna. Kisi aur jagah ka rosh kahin aur nikal gaya." (I am sorry. It’s just that I am not processing it right. I am frustrated with something else entirely.)

"Aaj ke liye kshama hai tumhe." (I forgive you. Only for today.) It was yet another surprise that Ram was not ready for. It must have been apparent on his taken aback expression because Lacchu chuckled. “Kya? Insaaniyat ke naate keh raha hun, yeh na samjhna ke tumhe puri tarah se maaf kar diya hai.” (What? Don’t think I don’t hate you or have forgiven you for anything else, this is purely on humanitarian basis.)

“Lekin tumhe kaise?” (But how did you know?) Ram was perplexed. He had tried immensely hard not to reveal his true emotions. But he really should not be surprised. Lacchu was a keen observer after all.

“Main bhi isi naav mein sawaar hun, Ram.” (I am sort of in the same boat, Ram.) The gond man solemnly stated. “Aur main andha nahi hun.” (Plus, I have eyes.)

“KYA? Tum- Bheem-” (WHAT? You- Bheem-)

Lacchu laughed hard, almost doubling over, tears in his eyes. “NAHI!” (NO!) He howled, “Ewww! Tum aisa soch bhi kaise sakte ho? Duniya mein aur insaan nahi hain kya?” (How can you even go there? There are other people in the world, you know!)

Ram was sheepish. Well, it was only Bheem who was constantly riding his thoughts. He was consumed by the man and Bheem- he stopped the thought right there. “Toh phir kaun?” (Then who?)

“Tha koi. Lekin main toote hue dil ka dard jaanta hun, khaas kar tab jab woh tumhare samne hi rahe.” (There was someone. But I do know the pain of a broken heart. Especially when they are always in front of you, in your life.)

“Hmm… ajeeb baat hai na? Itne sare log jo mujhe chahte hain, izzat bhi karte hain, apna maante hain. Aur ek tum hi ho, jo nafrat karta hai mujhse, jiske saath iss tarah se ek raabta ban raha hai. Tum hi ho jo meri vidambna samajh sakte ho.”

(Hmm… it’s ironic, isn’t it? All the people who love me, revere me, think of me as their own. And only you, who loathes me, can understand my plight. Only you can get what I am going through.)

“Oh toh hum wahan jaa rahe hain?” (Oh, we’re going there, are we?) Lacchu mumbled. Then as if something struck him, he rubbed his hands together, striding in the direction of the deeper jungle. “Chalo mere saath.” (Come with me.)

“Kahan?” (Where?)

Lacchu turned around, running towards the huts, his own which was not far away from Bheem’s, shouting, “Ruko main aata hun.” (Wait. I’ll be right back.) He returned in a few quick moments with a leather-cover in his hand. “Main yeh bina madad nahi kar sakta.” (If I’m going to do this, I need external help.) And initiated his trek again into the foliage. Ram wordlessly followed.

They walked for a while in the dense lush greenery until their path was blocked by a humongous teak tree. Lacchu started to climb the rope ladder and Ram followed, both settling on the machaan (tree house) on the study branches. The atmosphere was serene, sunlight playing the most alluring game of light and shadows with its evening colours of orange, red and pink with the vivid emeralds in the leaves. Ram was mesmerised.

“Itna waqt bitaya hai maine yahan phir bhi har jagah nayi lagti hai. Utni hi khubsurat, utni hi mohak.” (So many months spent in this place but everything still seems new. Still beautiful, still mesmerising.)

Lacchu meanwhile was rolling up a joint, the smell of weed wafting in the air as he opened the packet. He was sitting beside Ram, his legs dangling down the wooden floor, one hand flat on the back supporting his back. He lit it, taking a puff, replied. “Mujhe toh saalon ke baad bhi yehi lagta hai. Aasan hai, kudrat se mohabbat karna.” (I feel that even after years now. It is easy. To love nature.) He continued, taking another one, offering it to Ram who politely declined. He shrugged. “Bas insaan mujhe pechida lagte hain. Prakriti bilkul sateek hai. Tum use chaaho, woh tumhe zaroor chaahegi.” (It is only humans that I find cumbersome, complicated. Nature is simple in a way. Love it and it will reciprocate.)

Ram smiled. “Kya tum isiliye laaye ho mujhe yahan? Mera dil behlane ke liye?” (Is that why you have brought me to this place? To deflect my mind?) Lacchu nodded. “Kyun?” (Why?)

“Yaar tum sawal bahot karte ho.” (Man! Do you ask a lot of questions.) Lacchu offered the lit doobie to the older man. “Lo. Piyo ise. Kai cheezein saaf dikhai dengi.” (Come on. One puff. Things will be clearer.) Ram thought, what the fuck, taking a drag and coughing up immediately, his eyes watering, his lungs burning up with the smoke. “Aram se.” (Slowly.) Lacchu patted his back, taking the joint back from him. Ram settled down eventually, his eyes red rimmed, as he brushed off the tears.

“Paani hai yahan?” (Water?) he rasped. Lacchu pointed him to a corner where there was one earthen pot with a clay mug. Ram gulped down the cool liquid, coming back, sitting cross-legged away from the edge.

“Ek baat kahun tumse?” (Can I say something?) The younger man began, not really waiting for Ram to respond. “Tumhe Bheem ko bata dena chahiye. Jo tumhare mann mein hai.” (Tell Bheem. Tell him what you feel about him. Everything.)

“Kya? Ke main usse pyaar karta hun? Uske saath rehna chahta hun? Tum pagal toh nahi ho gaye ho? Kitna maal phoonk liya jab tak main paani pi raha tha?” (What? That I am in love with him? That I want to be with him? Have you gone completely mad? How much did you smoke while I went for a glass of water?) He jested.

“Han. Woh sab jo tum uske liye mehsoos karte ho. Pura pura izhaar kar do. Main tajurbe se keh raha hun. Andar hi andar ghut kar marne se achha hai ke ek baar mein hi manjhra tamaam ho jaaye.” (Yes. Everything. All your emotions, your desires. I am advising by self experience. It is better to rip off the bandaid once than to die a little every single day.)

“Aur kya? Bheem ko kho dun? Hamesha ke liye?” (And then what? Lose Bheem? Forever?)

“Woh tumse pyaar karta hai Ram. Shayad us tarah nahi jis tarah tum karte ho lekin utni hi shiddat se jitna tum usse. Kabhi na kabhi toh use pata chalna hi hai. Behtar hai tum khud hi bata do. Tumhara raabta, tumhari dosti har woh musibat, har woh mushkil se ho kar guzri hai ke itne se iqraar se nahi tutegi.”

(He loves you, Ram. Maybe not in the way you do but no less intense. With the same fervour. And he will come to realise sooner than later. It is better if it comes from you. Your relationship, your bond, it has passed every damned test there could be and is still going strong. I don’t think it will break with this confession.)

The words pierced profoundly within Ram’s soul. The fact that Lacchu was saying them gave them a sound meaning because he knew this was a man who did not mince his words, his emotions. He was the one to say it straight, without any hesitance, with complete honesty which frankly was terrifying at times. This was one such instance. The rationale was settling in the older man’s mind, the cogs reeling in the direction, the only dilemma was- why was Lacchu being kind to him? Obviously, he was a wonderful, compassionate human but it was never directed at Ram before now. It was only for a couple of weeks that the younger man had been less testy, almost neutral in Ram’s vicinity. The last conversation they had was when Lacchu had given Ram the ultimatum that he would forgive Ram when he would and Ram had wordlessly and readily accepted that.

“Kya tum ab bhi yeh sab insaaniyat ke naate kar rahe ho?” (And you are still doing this for humanitarian purposes?) he had to know.

“Bilkul. Humara aapsi masla jo bhi ho, main tumhe ya kisi ko bhi itni maayus halat mein nahi dekh sakta. Kya karun? Accha aadmi jo hun!” (Of course. We may have our problems, but I cannot see someone this desolate and heart broken all the damn time. Can’t help it. I’m a good person after all.) He chuckled, making Ram’s lips turn upwards. The older man felt a hand on his shoulders then, he turned to see Lacchu grabbing his shoulder in solidarity.

Another memory floated beneath his eyelids, another time, when Lacchu had placed his hand on his shoulder in a similar manner, only then, it was a desperate plea for help and now, it was one of assurance. How the roles had reversed! However this time, Lacchu was not betraying Ram as he had done to the younger man. Ram could see it in his eyes, the earnest expression, the heartfelt offer. Even if the younger man would vehemently deny it, there was a flicker of forgiveness that Ram caught in the dark orbs that made him look away. He really did not deserve such altruism from anyone, let alone this man. It only made him respect Lacchu more, the will power, the virtue, the morals he had.

“Shukriya Lacchu. Main iss kabil toh nahi ke tumhe kuchh bhi-” (Thank you, Lacchu. I am not even worthy of your-)

“Shushhh… maahol mat kharab karo ab.” (Hush now. Don’t ruin my buzz.) Ram conceded, asking for the joint instead, taking a puff slowly this time, getting the hang of it as he released the smoke in the air. Lacchu grinned at him, pleased with himself, his smug face loving each second of the buzz.

The two men sat there silently after that, exchanging nothing but the drags until the cigarette burned out, watching the sun go down on the horizon. Ram may not have found his love on the day of valentine, but he did find a beautiful human being he could connect with. Someone who understood him better than he himself at times, someone who treated him like a normal person and not a hero, or a leader, or a brother. Someone who gave him reality checks when needed and was not at all interested in coddling him. They were absolutely not friends, just two men who had stumbled upon the complexities of life and love and lost- finding their way back.

Not making a taglist because, well, most people I knew are not so involved anymore.

Comments are always appreciated.

#doodles fics #rrr #rrr movie #ram rrr #lacchu rrr #bheem rrr #soft #jenny rrr #bheemjenny #valentine's fic #but not romantic #rrr fandom #rambheem

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