#kindness in droves

[thegoldenretrieverandthegaynerd]

[superb-fairywren]

Of course the living incarnation of generational trauma ancestral guardian barb fighter raises devotion and redemption paladins

[unhelpfulfemme]

Another thing I liked is how Laurent's trauma is handled, because usually when a character has a Secretly Traumatic Backstory there's some kind of annoyingly maudlin scene about it. Either they get into some kind of big conflict with the love interest and are forced to explain themselves so they don't get judged or dumped, or the love interest intrudes on a vulnerable moment and sees them being abused or somehow handling the consequences of that abuse, or they are explained the circumstances by a benevolent third party, and this changes their view of the abused character because now they're god's poorest meow meow and I just fucking hate it every time.

Like, this is why I stopped reading this type of story: because the amount of crowding and backing into a corner and privacy violation that happens to abused characters in order to coax them into opening up about it and reassure them that they're okay is so annoying. I feel like I've been psychologyposting on main too much lately, so I might explain later why I feel this way or I might not but in any case I hate it.

I love that this book is the literal opposite of that, that Damen not only doesn't crowd Laurent and insist that he open up, but that Damen ensuring space and privacy and time to calm down for Laurent when he's overwhelmed is repeatedly portrayed as an act of friendship and caring and love (that Laurent later reciprocates, because they both lose their heads when something pushes their buttons and understand this about each other).

I also love how Damen doesn't fall in love with Laurent because Laurent is sad and fucked up, or because he's so brave to have put up with the abuse, or because Damen too is sad like Laurent (I'm physically restraining myself from going off on a rant about how shared trauma is hardly ever a good foundation for a relationship): no, he falls in love with Laurent because he's whip-smart, and a good leader, and funny, and tender once he opens up, and a lateral thinker, and a man of integrity who keeps his promises and pays back his debts (and because he's pretty and blonde and good at sporty shit that Damen likes). Some of these things may have been shaped by the awful shit that happened to Laurent, as they were also probably shaped by his station or his education or his body type or any other circumstance of his life, but it's refreshing to have a character who went through awful shit but who also has other things going on for him that make him loveable instead of being completely defined by his trauma. And even when Damen finds out, the way he thinks about Laurent literally doesn't change at all - the things he likes about Laurent are still seen in the same light as always, Laurent's personality as a whole is still the same, even his attitude towards what Laurent did to him when they first met doesn't change much (as we see in the short story epilogue). And even this last bit is really cool because Laurent is never stripped of his agency or made out into some sort of helpless victim currently, both of which would probably mortify him with how much he's trying to establish that he's not at any opportunity.

And I also like how it's not necessary for Laurent to tell Damen about it in order for them to be close, nor does Damen push him into it. And everyone else seems to agree that it's Laurent's story to tell when and how he wants it told, except for the villain of the piece, who reveals it in the most awful way possible. This is particularly important because Damen spends three books grabbing everyone in Laurent's life by the shoulders and shaking them and going, "Why do you care about this guy??? Have you noticed that he's kind of an ashole?? Why are you loyal to him?? Why???" and no one ever says anything, because they're protective of Laurent and don't want to take away his agency or privacy because it's his fucking story to tell. Even after Damen finds out, we don't see him mention it and he probably lets Laurent open up or not on his own terms, as he does with everything else that doesn't directly concern him. Even though we've seen through Laurent's dialogue time and time again that he's probably conceptualizing it in some fucked up ways in his own head and needs yet to realize that he's not some kind of twisted pervert for what happened to him, crowding him about it before he's ready won't accomplish much.

And the story itself backs all this by never being maudlin about it even though it's obvious what happened pretty early on (I figured it out really early, I remember suspecting it almost immediately and being dead sure of it by the Ancel scene in the garden); it kind of elipses around it, gives hints and parallels to other characters in similar circumstances, has Laurent say incoherent shit that makes sense in context, has other characters hint at it, but with Laurent being one of the central characters it's cool that the story gives him that respect and doesn't wallow in the tragedy of it all.

[lord-squiggletits]

I think the key component to my personal reading of post-Delphi Pharma is that he's trying to be a horrible person on purpose. Not "on purpose" in the way that people have free will to exercise their own choices, but in that Pharma's "mad doctor" persona is a performance he puts on to deliberately embrace how much everyone else hates him. Basically, if people already think you're a "bad Autobot" and a horrible doctor who just kills his patients for fun, why try to prove otherwise to people who have already made up their minds about you? Just fully embrace the fact that people see you as an asshole. Don't try to change their minds. Don't plead for their forgiveness or understanding. Just stop caring. If you're going to be remembered as a monster, you might as well be a memorable monster, and eke as much pleasure and hedonism as you can out of it before karma catches up to you and you inevitably crash and burn.

I mean, I guess you could just go the route of "Oh, Pharma was always a fucked up creepy guy and Delphi was just him taking the mask off," but I really don't like that interpretation because, for one, it feels really wrong to take a character like Pharma becoming evil under duress and going, "Oh well clearly he did the things he did because he was evil all along," as if somehow Pharma breaking under blackmail/torture/threat of horrible death was a sign of him having poor moral character. As opposed to, you know, suffering under the very real threat of horrible death for himself and everyone he cares about while being manipulated by a guy who specializes in psychological torture.

The second reason is that it just doesn't make sense to write Pharma as having been evil all along. I mean...

Occam's Razor says that the best argument is the one with the simplest explanation. Doesn't it make way more sense to take Pharma's appearances in flashbacks, his friendship with Ratchet, his stunning medical accomplishments, and the few we see of him speaking kindly/sympathetically (or in the least charitable interpretation, at least professionally) towards his patients and conclude "This guy was just a normal person, if exceptionally talented." Taking all of these flashback appearances at face value and assuming Pharma was being genuine/honest is a way simpler and more logical explanation than trying to argue that Pharma for the past 4 million years was just faking being a good doctor/person. I mean, it's possible within the realm of headcanon, but the fact is Pharma's appearances in the story are so brief that there simply wasn't room in the story for there to be some sort of secret conspiracy/hidden manipulation behind why Pharma acted the way he did in the past.

I just can't help but look at things like Pharma's friendship with Ratchet (himself a good person and usually a fine judge of character) and the fact that even post-Delphi, pretty much every single mention of Pharma comes with some mention of "He was a good doctor for most of his life" or "He was making major headways in research [before he started killing patients]" which implies that even the Autobots themselves see Pharma's villainy as a recent turn in his life compared to how for "most of his life" he "used to be" a good doctor.

And although Pharma doesn't know this, we as the readers (and even other characters like Rung) know about Aequitas technology and the fact that it actually works, so... if Pharma really was an unrepentant murderer, why couldn't he get through the forcefield too? The Aequitas forcefield doesn't require that a person be completely morally pure and free of wrongdoing or else how could Tyrest get through, just that they feel a sense of inner peace and lack feelings of guilt. Pharma has murdered and tortured people by this point, and put on quite a campy and theatrical show of how much he sees it as a fun game, so why then can he not get through?

It circles back to my headcanon at the start of this post that the "mad doctor" persona is just that-- a persona. Delphi/post-Delphi Pharma's laughing madman personality is just so far removed from every flashback we saw of him and everything we can infer based on how other people see/saw him before that, to me, the mad doctor act is (at least in large part, if not fully) a persona that Pharma puts on to put his villainy in the forefront.

To avoid an overly simplistic/ableist take, I don't think Tarn tortured Pharma into turning crazy. To me, it's more like the constant pressure of death by horrific torture, the feeling of martyrdom as Pharma kept secret that he was the only one standing between Delphi and annihilation, the physical isolation of Messatine as well as the emotional separation from Ratchet, being forced to violate his medical oaths (pretty much the only thing Pharma's entire life has been about), etc. All of that combined traumatized Pharma to the point that the only way he could avoid cracking was to just stop caring about all of it. Because at least then, even if he's still murdering patients to save Delphi from a group of sadistic freaks, Pharma doesn't have to feel guilty and sick about doing it. As opposed to the alternatives, which were probably either going off the deep end and killing himself to escape, or confessing to what he did and getting jailed for it.

In that light, Pharma becoming a mad doctor makes sense. It avoids the bad writing tropes of "oh this character who was good his entire life was actually just evil and really good at hiding it" as well as "oh he got tortured and went crazy that's why he's so random and silly and killing people, he's crazy" and instead frames Pharma's evil as something he was forced into, to the point where in order to avoid a full psychological breakdown and keep defending Delphi, he just had to stop caring about the sanctity of life or about what other people might think of him.

Then, of course, the actual Delphi episode happens, and Pharma's own lifelong best friend Ratchet basically spits in his face and sees him as nothing more than a crazy murderer who went rogue from being a good Autobot. Then Pharma gets his hands cut off and left to die on Messatine. At that point, Pharma has not only been mentally/emotionally broken into losing his feelings of compassion, he's received the message loud and clear: He is alone. Everyone hates him. Not even his own best friend likes him any more. No one even cared enough about him to check if he actually died or not. He will only ever be remembered as a doctor who went insane and killed his patients.

So in the light of 1. Having all of your redeeming qualities be squeezed out of you one by one for the sake of survival and 2. Having your reputation and all of your positive relationships be destroyed and 3. People only know/care about you as "that doctor who became evil and killed his patients" rather than the millions of years of good service that came before.

What else is there to do but internalize the fact that you'll forever be seen as a monster and a freak, and embrace it? People already see you as a murderer for that blackmail deal you did, so why not become an actual murderer and just start killing people on a whim? People already see you as an irredeemable monster who puts a stain on the Autobot name, so why beg for their forgiveness when you could just shun them back? You've already become a murderer, a traitor, and a horrible doctor, so what's a few more evil acts added to the pile? It's not like anyone will ever forgive you or love you ever again.

Why care? Why try to hold on to your principles of compassion, kindness, medical ethics, when an entire lifetime of being a good person did nothing to save you from blackmail and then abandonment? Why put yourself through the emotional agony of feeling lonely, guilty, miserable, when you could just... stop caring, and not hurt any more?

[ifbrd]

I’ve wanted to draw this for years:

What the Gravity Falls fandom seems to think a Pines family trip to the Oregon Coast would be like:

Vs, what it would actually be like (source: I’ve lived in Oregon my whole life, the following is what I experience when I have a “beach day”) :

[froopa-coopa]

spending some time in Scotland, obv had to sketch jmart again on their scottish honeymoon

[4mulaone]

mclaren mewling pawing whining desperately into landos ear for twenty laps like pleaseee babe the undercut was a joke omfg only to be ghosted so hard they changed the tactic to ok im going to kill myself now ASIDE the real comedy has to be max verstappen approaching such a state of rage at perceived slights against him he ties his own neck in a noose and we witness the first instance of a world champion being discriminated against for being a gamer in live commentary

[aithusar]

I’m glad you’re here, Merlin 

MERTHUR WEEK 2022

↳ Day 4: Soulmates + green (insp.) 

[clotpolesonly]

Blue Lily, Lily Blue ch 20 // Mister Impossible ch 25

[uter-us]

being a woman can be so disheartening, and men are so ignorant to this fact that they view women's fear of men as their own oppression. like as if I am just being cruel and want to view male strangers as potential threats ?

i was walking home from the grocery store yesterday and was struggling to hold my bag (the strap is broken) and it's heavy, and it's hot out. and I cross the street and there's only 1 car waiting for me to cross, and the driver sticks his head out the window to ask if I need a ride. I say no thanks, and he asks again and I say no again. I cross the street and am walking on the sidewalk in front of a gas station and the same car slows down next to me, he rolls down his window and asks where I am headed (like to give me a ride), and again i say no, and I have to do this whole like performance almost. like I step further back from the road, put my hand out between us , shake my head, basically I make it known to anyone witnessing who couldnt hear my "no", that I'm NOT leaning in closer to speak to him, I'm not trying to engage w him, im not seeming inviting or comfortable or like i know him, so there is no misunderstanding to onlookers.

and I can understand why this must be frustrating for men, like thinking "I was j tryna do something nice!" -- I see that frustration ! -- but literally why blame women ?? like its kinda miserable having to doubt kindness from strangers, because when you don't, it would risk your safety. i see men say women/feminists "villanize" men. literally why would we choose this? we are not out for yall, some of yall ARE villains, so please take it up w one another if women dont trust your genuine kind gestures

i absolutely understand that any negative assumption abt someone's character will hurt them ofc, and am sympathetic to that pain, and simulatenously i do find there's some lack of empathy (or at least the very least lack of understanding) from men, when they think this assumption is malicious. I just can't risk my safety for their feelings, and I wouldn't want other women and girls to either

[rexscanonwife]

Ok FINE maybe I'll listen to Epic the Musical

[yridenergyridenergy]

Toshiya and Die doing go-kart racing in their free time from touring and recording in the studio, fo Zappy magazine November 2002 issue.

Please do not repost elsewhere.

[a-crimson-impressionism]

I think my favorite thing about Midnight Burger (which is actually everything about it, it's my favorite podcast ever and one of my favorite things ever), is that the characters are allowed to ramble. They're allowed to make their touching speeches with too many metaphors and repeating similar sentences again and again.

I rarely see that happen in fucking anything! Characters shut each other down all the time, as if talking a lot is some horrible taboo or crime (is it a taboo? I am socially clueless), like in so many shows and movies and books, someone is passionately talking and is shut down with a "you're rambling" and reply with "sorry". But in Midnight Burger, they let each other ramble and talk and explain and technobabble to their heart's content (mostly), seeking clarification afterwards.

I love that! I really don't see that much! The more I listen to Midnight Burger, the more I love it, which is impressive because I already love it so much.

[everysongineverykey]

i love how unfatherly crowley and aziraphale both are when it comes down to it. sure aziraphale is more than willing to give the young people in his life help and advice and be their friend but he and crowley spent six years (eleven in the book) practically raising a kid (you just know his parents weren't around that often) and by the end they didn't even like him. crowley even suggested they just fucking kill him. he turned three kids into lizards for annoying him right after he destroyed their house. like it was that or kill them obviously but he did NOT hesitate with the newts. that's so funny to me. they're just inherently disinclined to parenthood. we need more characters like them actually

[3l91]

iwaoi timeskip thoughts.

iwaizumi doesn’t want to make leaving anymore difficult for oikawa, and oikawa doesn’t want to make iwaizumi feel any worse about the fact that they’re going separate ways.

the distance between them is only growing more and more noticeable, but it’s not the sort of gap that’s miles long — it’s small, easily breachable with hardly a half step forward.

but it’s a gap nonetheless. a wall.

and neither of them will take that step forward.

iwaizumi knows that he might be able to convince oikawa to stay, to pursue his professional career in japan, where he’ll always be in reach. he’s thought about it before, what it’d be like if the two of them attended the same university, were able to play on the same team, get lunch together whenever they wanted — to just be with each other like they’ve always been.

oikawa knows iwaizumi won’t ask him to stay, even if he himself has practiced over and over again in his mind what he’d say to his childhood friend to convince him he has to go. he’s been set on this since the beginning. his next step has always been going abroad. for a long time they’ve both known that their paths would split — and isn’t it cruel to attempt to shake his resolve at the very last second?

but iwaizumi will never ask him to stay. and oikawa will never deny him that request.

iwaizumi won’t even walk him to the gate even if he agrees to drive him to the airport.

it’s a just in case measure to prevent any sort of opportunity for him to say something that might rattle his best friend.

minding the distance, acknowledging that gap.

oikawa won’t say anything unnecessary either. their goodbye is just as heartfelt as it needs to be. as simple as it needs to be.

for two people who felt comfortable enough to be their whole selves around each other their entire lives, they’re doing a lot of hiding from each other the moments before they’re set to part.

but why not play along, keep things light? they’ll still call. they’ll still text. it’s not like their friendship is disappearing, it’ll just be different. so there’s not even a need to say, I’ll miss you.

— It would complicate things.

It would be crossing a line. That minuscule amount of distance that they forbid themselves to cross. even if it’s true, the two of them can’t verbalize it, or it’ll become nothing more than a weight in the pit of their stomachs.

because it’s already difficult enough for oikawa to be going overseas. it’s already hard enough to accept that iwaizumi won’t be right by his side, calling for the ball before smashing it down. it’s already hard enough to think about what might change once they’re no longer within arm’s reach of one another.

what’s more.

this sort of goodbye — this lukewarm parting — is an acknowledgement of sorts.

of the strength it took for iwaizumi to let oikawa go as easily as possible.

of the herculean effort it took for iwaizumi to send his friend off with a too-hard pat on the back and a wry smile that was practiced countless times in front of a mirror to ensure that it won’t betray any hurt.

of the agony it must be for iwaizumi to acknowledge that his path alongside oikawa ended with their final match in high school

of the truth that iwaizumi doesn’t ask oikawa to stay because he’s afraid the other will say no without hesitation, without looking back

selfishly keeping the request to himself, minding the gap because he doesn’t want to cross it and find nothing on the other side

and on oikawa’s end, a struggle that’s similar but ultimately different.

that small part of him that wants to take iwaizumi with him, that wants to question why - why won’t you follow me?

a question that sometimes turns into why won’t you fight to stay by my side?

a question that becomes why won’t you fight for me?

conflicting feelings that would only turn to bitterness are ignored, swallowed down. the desire to start an argument just to hear iwaizumi say he cares — is denied with several difficulties.

it wouldn’t be right to do something like that, to him of all people.

furthermore.

the two of them are constants in each other’s lives to the end, friends who understand each other, who consistently do what’s best for each other — to the point where they become dishonest with each other.

it’s not a dramatic goodbye like in the movies, there’s nothing like a fuss at all. theirs is a simple parting lacking in heaviness. they don’t say more than what’s necessary. their gazes don’t linger and they don’t turn back to look at each other.

they deny themselves the satisfaction of that tearful goodbye because it’d be too difficult.

they deny themselves one another because right now they can’t have each other.

they let the other go because that’s what you’re supposed to do — as an adult, as a good friend, as someone in love who can’t say it because, they know better than anyone how crushing that feeling can be.

the two of them coming to taste the bitterest form of love in the form of a lukewarm goodbye.

[mass-convergence]

Tbh I think my favorite little Abby scene in TLOU2 is when she’s scared af on the bridge (Abby … you don’t need to be afraid of heights to find that OSHA and just general civil engineering code violation of a “bridge” absolutely terrifying)

And Lev just casually asks about what’s going on between her and Owen and she just responds with “Oh my god Lev! Now?!”

Like that is some fucking peak sibling energy.