#kinda wanna die ngl
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dude FUCK this last week holy shit
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literally a prisoner within my own home for the next 10 years. how we doing over there in the real world lads :,I anything cool going on :,I wow the freedom to move and chose sounds so lovely :,I anyways, don't wanna damper the mood, enjoy your lives out there lads :,I in my name, please have a smile today at some point, yeah ?!?
#/gen#when's my non-despair au gonna start#kinda wanna die ngl#only a tiny bit#still wanting to live a long life#but not like this#childhood: botched#teenage years: botched#early adult years: fuck me up why dont you#ah how i wish to join you all in the life out there#it's hard and painful but it must be better than this#to be able to move and chose how you wish#im not even sure it'll be over in those 10 years#that's just a number im hoping praying wishing shitting for#just fuck me up#and i gotta look normal through it all lest i want a psych ward#or a dead woman at my feet#or both why not#escapism doesnt help either cuz im always aware of the despair im coming back to#i cant stop thinking of my misery no matter what i do or how far i go#my chain always yanks at me#in 10 years will i even be sane anymore#will i want things#will i enjoy things#will i lose myself#idk but 10 years of your life spent like this is such an upsetting thing#anyways i know im not in as bad of a situation as most of the humanity#but i need to bitch a lil#last time i cried freely was when i was 7#i remember it vividly cuz i was crying in my parents huge bed one night and no one came and i fell asleep in the cold bed tired from crying
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love having to go to school knowing most of your friends dont wanna be around you anymore
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Everybody thank Pinterest and clipboard buck for existing
#clipboard buck is so dear to me#diaz is gay he just doesn't know it yet#buddie#they kinda make me wanna die ngl#gays am i right#evan buckley#sketch#911#911 show#artists on tumblr#buck buckley#eddie diaz#digital art#buddie canon#digital drawing#sketches#pinterst#bisexual evan buckley#gay eddie diaz#gays are gonna be the end of me#911 fanart
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Stupid idiots I hope you three EXPLODE!!!!
Also a bit of yapping under the cut you can skip allat if you want
OKOK BRO I JUST HAD THE CRAZIEST WEEK NY POWER WAS OUT FOT SO LONG💀💀
Anywho, I hit 50 followers recently, I mentioned it in that one tag but I wanted to actually say smth in a post…(idk how to celebrate but uh YIPPEEEEEEEEE)
Ok one more thing, I saw that one image of all the idols together and I just wanna know
Whyyyy does earl look like a bug he looks like that one meme where it goes “Bugs when you lift up a rock” why does she look like that bro/aff
#splatoon#agent 3#captain 3#agent 4#agent 8#agent 96#goober art#FA-#bro I love Nerdy Prudes Must Die#this has nothing to do with the current post but like#I kinda wanna draw some of the idols as some characters from that#mostly bc I think those mfs would be theatre kids ngl#(especially Shiver I mean look at them)#Anygays#do ur daily click#listen to Loose Rap by Aaliyah#(you are not immune to my Aaliyah propaganda)#have a good
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Kickoff gojo LOVES ans i mean LOVESS lipgloss he loves flavored lipglosses so when you always wear it he always asks to taste it and kisses you and the sticky lipgloss is all over his face and lips and then you would whine that you have to reapply it again 😭 Gojo would probably go out w all the lipgloss marks on his face to practice and yaga would look so disappointed 😭☠️ and he would either shout at him at how improper it is and tell him to wash it off and gojo would refuse like the idoit he is ☠️ the team is so sick of him fr 😭
SORRY BABE I HALF ANSWERED THIS N THEN IT GOT DROWNED IN MY BRAINROT DRAFTS N I FORGOT TO FINISH LOL
PLS haha he probably likes it when theres like kiss marks over his face n neck or something 😭💋 but yea i think he just always wants to kiss n its something territorial for him too like “yes do not talk to me bc see this sparkly smooch here on my cheek? its from my girl over there IM TAKEN LADIES!!”
but also he’s such a sleaze it would turn into something horny so fast he’d get so turned on by watchinf you put your lipgloss on n now he’s imagining messing it all up over your pretty lips while you suck his dick n eventually smears it over your face too when he cums 😭😭😭😭
#kinda wanna succ his dique ngl#his fave flavor is 🍒#hes def gonna die of chemical cosmetic poisoning someday tho#kickoff#asks
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you know I wanted to fuss with making an not darker upper lip texture for eyrie and instead. I made different expansion textures for them 🧍♂️🚶♂️
#lost the plot there ngl#I had been meaning to do it for gpose purposes#the body textures are gonna be. a handful shdjdjdjdj#it’s better organized than their face textures but nevertheless#the idea of redoing part of their chest hair is kinda. mgngngngn to me#they also have really bad seams on their arms! it’s cringe!#but tbh the thought of lining up seams kinda makes me wanna die a little#realistically I can edit it in post processing + put them in longer shirts#but it feels like I’m being lazy about it#and that it’s just a really Really bad seam#a problem for after the new year me thinks#if I don’t remember it when I wake up and hyperfocus on it#it’s also a matter of keeping what is what organized#owen talks
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fellas is it ok to cry over having to take ur pronouns out of ur bio on discord cause u gave it to an irl friend and aren’t out of the closet irl and never ever will be
#aka college friend and it’s a christian campus#and i’ve spent my entire life pretending except online but now i get to pretend online also and it’s kinda sort of really depressing me :)#today was pretty not great and this really topped it off sorry if this is oh so dramatic but god#im really tired and just. done. i think i wanna die lol!#it would be better than doing a cishet cosplay all my life#in order to keep the people around me Tolerating me#it’s like my hashtag safe space has been breached yknow i can’t retreat anywhere#the shame and hatred is never ending#aaaand. off to church tn. to a horribly homophobic church on campus.#not to vent on main but i’ve hated myself to incredibly much lately and this really made it worse ngl#vent /
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tw: kinda nsfw??
lmao fnaf r34 comments are sending meee💀💀
THAT SPRING GOT ME TRAPPED PLSSS
Bro those memes of like that fnaf movie ending like some cheesyass kids movie were SO FUCKING FUNNY
"Alright, Fazgang, looks like we saved the day!! The pizzeria is back in business. Ohhh, I'm so happy, I think I feel a song coming on!! Hit it chica!"
(All of fnaf starts dancing to Happy by Pharrell Williams, while springtrap stands in the corner angirly but is tapping his foot to the beat)
#kinda wanna die after writing that ngl /j#ALSO IF YOU DONT KNOW WHAT WEBSITE THESE COMMENTS ARE FROM YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED ON THIS BLOG /HJ#bonbon my beloved
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gon be a birthday boy in just two hours,,,,,,,
#its kinda sad to think about idk#i wanna sleep till 2 pm eat some ice cream and then go to sleep again#also wee took some cool pics of my reita cosp today they turned out cooler than i expected kdfghjdfg#theyre on my ig if anyone wants to look idc#but the kicker is#the wig and that stupid bandana gives me a headache just after an hour of wearing it ughh#if he's going on my con lineup i might die ngl KJHDFGK#cant wait for the con tho#its the same as last year except im probs gonna go all three days#planning to cosplay tori ofc#squall or yoru#and jade from hnk :D#hope its gonna be fun weeee#DONT MIND THE TAG SPAM LOL
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It's only really just hit me that today was the day I was supposed to be seeing my favourite band and I couldn't because my anxiety won and I hate myself
#tw anxiety#i fucking hate myself#I've been so excited for this for like almost a year#been telling everyone how excited I was to see Lord Huron finally#and I couldn't#because my anxiety has won#once again#like it has every time I have tried going to a fun event this year#and ruined everything for me#and ngl#kinda wanna die rn#lord huron#😭
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it's incredibly hard not to despair over all of this ngl
#i've been doing really bad in the last 2ish weeks#almost as if i'm having pms symptoms kinda#but usually they go away after a few days. certainly not stick for over a week#this is like how it was before i was on t. without the bleeding ig#(physical stuff also stand bc i feel so extra tired and my whole body hurts constantly)#and all the shit going on in real life isn't helping. both on a global scale and in my personal life#i don't want to exist genuinely i can't be left with my thoughts for even a second or i start spiraling#i don't want to sleep or take a break i want to just. stop. stop thinking. stop existing. i want to die bc it feels like the only choice#but ig i gotta wake up at 7 am and drive for an hour and walk up the hill again instead#and then be active until 6 pm. i'm already exhausted just thinking abt all this ngl#i wanna die i can't do this shit anymore i should've died 13 years ago. why even bother trying to live#vent#negative //#suicide //#ask to tag#sorry. sorry
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Feeling very violent today. I want to see blood.
Below includes; very detailed self harmy stuff idk
You know, sometimes I get so angry at myself for no reason. I want to cut along my stomach till I can see my spine. I want to throw my entire body into a washing mashing till it's so banged up I can't even feel anything, if I'm even alive by then. I want to cut diagonally along my arm, slit my throat, pull my hair till my scalp is bleeding, poke a sharp knife along my thigh, purposefully loosen a ceiling fan for it to eventually fall on my head and break my skull, tie a rope around my neck and suffocate myself or hang myself, I want to cover myself in gasoline and burn myself till the only recognizable part of me is my burnt ashes, etc etc. I have the urge to harm myself by any means necessary. I want to kill myself so badly I swear to fucking God.
#silly post :3#trigger warnings#blood descriptions#self harm descriptions#feeling a bit murder today#kinda wanna die#ngl I wanna see myself bleed#please end me#violently hitting my head on the wall till I crack my stupid head open <3
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#i turn 21 in 2 days. and in 24hrs my best friend gets on a flight to come see me#im kinda emotional abt it all actually.#like ive dreaded my 21st birthday since i was like 10yrs old#i have no ides why but i have 😭😭 abd like . i avtually have plans for it#i mean ive soent the last 5 months putting it tgth honestly#and its costibg me a fucking fortune tbh#but like !!!! i get to see my best friend !!!! for 4 days !!!! my voyfriend n i are doing sm better atm too#which is scary bc wdym wr arent That Toxic#i dont think we ever rlly wrre i just think . i was so self conscious for majprity of our relationship#and ngl . there is so much inner worm im constsntly having to maintain and keep up#to keep this Working#and i wanna be like 'it could b easier w someone else' and while that may actuslly be True#i adore this man so much you have no idea. so im willing to do the harder work to be with him yknow. hes kinda w*rth it :/#i also get the bar implanted tmr and im Shitting Myself over it#i get queasy when they take blood and i faint when i scratch myself Too Deep#this is something goijg into my skin i mught just Die actually.#fuck me christ.#the shit i do so i dont ruin my future :/
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It's been a couple days and all I can think about is Lenny's death oh my goddddd. I just can't get over how the whole game up until that point, everyone especially Arthur talks so highly of him and says shit like how he'll outlive everyone else and how smart he is and how much potential he has like.....good fuckin lord. It kills me how badly Arthur didn't want to leave his body behind too. God he should've lived. I will say tho the game does an incredible job making you attached to his character. It's also very interesting the timing of his death if you look at it in a story tone way. I'm not good at putting my thoughts into words but that mission feels like such a huge turning point and killing off this kid with so much potential is for sure gonna create a tone of dread and hopelessness if not in the gang, than in the player. Same thing with Sean's death tbh. Killing off a young character that brings so much joy and levity to the gang changes the tone SO much.
#vark posts#sorry i literally talk about nothing but rdr2 these days LOL#ill tag it with my live blog tag for anyone that wants to filter it out tho#but like fuck man Lenny was only 19!!! thats a kid!!!#and ik sean was pretty young too theyre really shooting down all the young ones#im ngl i figured someone would die this mission but i was hoping itd be bill#with the choice of characters dying so far being mostly ones the player could easily get attached to tho i dont think bill would die#to me he feels like a bg character#and ik after Kieran joins the gang he kinda fades into the bg too but personality wise he stood out A LOT#dont even get me started on Hosea his death makes me wanna crumble to pieces#this game is so incredible fr#NO SPOILERS pls i havent made it that much further after this mission#v live blogging
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girl how long have i been dying now....feels like forever. tummy hurts. my daydreams keep me alive but at the cost of autistic joy making me feel more pain. its kinda amazing to me that ive spent more of my life daydreaming than actually living it, since ive just spent so much of it in bed or doing fuck all. ive had so many good lives and moments and happiness in my head. ive been able to feel and experience all ive ever wanted. to love and be loved(even if the being loved part usually takes some work). ive lived unrealistic fictional lives + plus lives that are actually possible in this reality. ive talked and talked for hours about anything and everything thats on my mind.
just thinking abt this again bc i had to go off my sleeping pills for a bit in order to take pain killers, and was awake for 2 days again. at one point i realized i had daydreamed for 9 hours straight, and i was like. wow. kinda sad that i have to do this. kinda sad that thats what makes me the most happy.
#i am in PAINNNNNN when will this nightmare arc be over i got stuff i wanna do#ive really been trying to wrap my head around dying lately ngl#i know im probably gonna be ok but. isnt this what i secretly wanted?to die without it being my fault?#i feel too bad for everyone left alive but ig its kinda not my fault for how they feel#which is something ive been struggling w most my life. that i cant control the way others react.#so maybe its important
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