#ive really been trying to wrap my head around dying lately ngl

[etherical-angel]

girl how long have i been dying now....feels like forever. tummy hurts. my daydreams keep me alive but at the cost of autistic joy making me feel more pain. its kinda amazing to me that ive spent more of my life daydreaming than actually living it, since ive just spent so much of it in bed or doing fuck all. ive had so many good lives and moments and happiness in my head. ive been able to feel and experience all ive ever wanted. to love and be loved(even if the being loved part usually takes some work). ive lived unrealistic fictional lives + plus lives that are actually possible in this reality. ive talked and talked for hours about anything and everything thats on my mind.

just thinking abt this again bc i had to go off my sleeping pills for a bit in order to take pain killers, and was awake for 2 days again. at one point i realized i had daydreamed for 9 hours straight, and i was like. wow. kinda sad that i have to do this. kinda sad that thats what makes me the most happy.