#kinda vague since it’s not a full fic etc

[blackknight-kai]

Hello! I've been reading your works and I absolutely love it 💖💖 you're actually the first few people who got me into this fandom, and for that I'm eternally grateful ☺

As for the ask, is it ok if I ask general yan HCS of both monkeys? Maybe with fem reader? NSFW is fine. Thanks so much and have a good day! ❤

OOoOOooOOkay! So Ima give this my best shot! Keep in mind I do more ‘soft’ yandere mainly because I do like me a bit of romance with my darker stuff. I WILL add some darker things at the end though!! (I don’t delve into yan often so bare with me 🫶🫂 I’m learning)

Keep in mind before proceeding this isnt your typical HC everyone :)! It’s going to have some Non Con/stalking/whatever comes to my mind. I went with whatever direction my brain was going so I hope this came out okay!

Warning: Yandere ideas

Destined One

At first you didnt notice anything different about him compared to anyone else outside of the obvious physical traits and some personality traits. He’s reserved, quiet, and focused entirely on his goals. His determination and strength is something that awes you to this day. Something you do notice about him though is that hes observant. Always taking note of his surroundings and using his senses to keep himself aware of what going on. When you first started traveling with him he seemed to almost…ignore you a bit. As though you weren’t really a scratch on his so called journey and mission. But over time you start to notice him staring at you and watching you. It’s a little intense but you just chalk it up to him being him, maybe he’s curious about his companion finally?

- [ ] He hadnt really thought much of you when you first joined him. It honestly took him a bit of time to realize he’d grown a bit….attached to you. His eyes always following your every move and his ears always listening for you. Your scent? He has that memorized.

- [ ] DO is going to start off subtle about his attentions towards you. He’s not going to be rash, unless something pushes him to it.

- [ ] He’s ALWAYS watching you. Always knows where you are and what youre doing.

- [ ] His feelings for you go from zero to almost 100 - although he’s silent about it at first. You’re going to notice him staring or even sometimes getting things you needed for you before you even knew you needed it.

- [ ] DO doesnt do things in half measures. He’s focused. Which means once he’s turned his attentions on you, ALL of him is focused on you.

- [ ] DO knows it’s wrong, but cant stop himself from doing some of the more…inappropriate things with you. Such as watching you while you bathe or change.

- [ ] *Non Con - He’s going to end up touching you while you sleep. Be it an accident at first (yeah right) or he just doesn’t stop his urge to do so. But he’s going touch you because you’re too inviting to him. He won’t go so far as full on sex, but you will be caressed and eventually as he gains confidence you’ll find marks you’re not sure where they came from. He’s going to decide the very first night his hands slip under your clothes that you are his.

- [ ] No one else will EVER see you or touch you like he had. Ever.

- [ ] He’s going to be hyper attentive to you, lulling you into this sense of “Aw he cares for me and takes care of me”. While YES he does, it’s also to further his own goal in regards to you. The foods he brings? Not every time, but sometimes might have a little something in them that makes you a little…sleepy. Pliant. So he can run his hands under your clothes or leave little marks on you without you making a fuss. Your body will NOT be afraid of his touch, he’s going to make sure of it. Sex is still something he’s reserving for…claiming you fully. For now, he’s going to take his time getting your body just used to his hands and the way he makes you feel with them or his tail.

- [ ] He’s going to manhandle you, sit you where he wants you and if you fuss he’s stubborn and won’t budge about it, using his strength to hold you where he put you, to the point you let him have his way because it’s not worth arguing over.

- [ ] You dont realize it but he’s also been scenting the hell out of you, your clothes, and even your bed furs. To you, it just smells like a combination of you, the forest, and of him - which you dont think anything of because he carries stuff for you a lot.

- [ ] But him scenting that stuff? It’s a very loud claim especially since it’s not just him rubbing his face or neck on the items….no he’s rubbing those materials around his cock and balls. Getting his musk all over it.

- [ ] On you, he will be a bit more subtle with his scenting. Wrapping a tail around you or brushing his hand through your hair or against you as he walks by. But sometimes DO shoves his hand down his pants, coating his hand or even tail in his musk and then rubs it on you. You are HIS.

- [ ] He’s jealous as all hell too and will make it known by how he behaves towards others in regards to you. Does NOT like anyone even looking at you, it makes him want to carry you off to some makeshift nest and KEEP you there, to prevent wandering eyes.

- [ ] Speaking of, as soon as his journey ends thats exactly what he wants to do. If he doesnt have a place in mind he’s definitely going to make sure he finds one. It will be the nest for the two of you. He will make sure he gets you everything you need so you wont need to go out.

- [ ] Before that though, he’s going to do everything in his power to make sure you know that you’re his and he’s going to make sure you dont want anyone else.

- [ ] When his journey is over, immediately youre thrown over his shoulder. He’s carting you off to your permanent home, away from any dangers or the possibility of someone stealing you away from him.

- [ ] Here is where he’s a bit more…demanding and forceful. See, by this point he knows your body wants him, he’s smelled and felt how wet you get for his touch and he’s seen your eyes on him. You’ve been slowly pulled into his orbit once he has you in his chosen space he’s going to have all of you.

- [ ] He’s not going to just strip you and shove himself in, no. He still wants to make sure your body is willing. So he’s going to be more bold and more obvious about his touches.

- [ ] Bathing alone? Not anymore. Changing alone? Nope. Unless he’s gone doing something like gathering food or a quick patrol, your body is for his eyes. He will let you have some modesty but he’s going to slip his hands under your clothes when he pleases and feel your soft warm skin.

- [ ] You’re going to be awake when his tail or fingers forcefully slip between your legs, he’s going to pull orgasms out of you until your awake conscious learns to relax for his touch like your sleeping body and conscious do.

- [ ] You wont be allowed to leave, he will make sure a clone is around you at all times if he cant be and when youre sleeping he’s wrapped around you, his limbs like vices.

- [ ] Your skin will be marked with his bites and some claw marks, not deep enough to truly harm but enough to remind you of him when he’s out of sight.

- [ ] He will slowly get you addicted to his taste as well, slipping a pre or cum coated finger into your mouth as you orgasm so your brain learns that his taste means pleasure.

- [ ] When he takes you he’s going to be gentle but firm, he wants you to feel good but also wont let you resist him. He’s CLAIMING you now. His fangs will bite into you, this time with the purpose to scar his claim on you.

- [ ] After this, he’s going to make sure youre always ready for him, is not above using a clone to keep you spread open and wet for him via cock warming or a prefucking. You will be molded to the shape of his cock.

- [ ] He’s also going to slip inside you when you sleep, waking you as he ruts into you or touches your body.

- [ ] Your body WILL know that his touch means pleasure, but if you resist he’s going to make sure you remember your place. He will be rougher with you. Wanting you to submit.

- [ ] He will always pamper you after, cuddling you and cleaning you. But his cum will remain inside you until he’s ready to help you wash it out.

- [ ] He’s going to make sure you are so reliant on him, his touch, his presence, and all he does for you that you wont remember that his possessiveness isnt normal, that he’d stolen you away without asking and that he continues to lay his claim on you.

- [ ] No, youre lulled into a sense of belonging with him….youre his to care for, protect, and take.

- [ ] All in all and in general, Destined One is a quiet but firm yandere lover. Only when you really push back/push his dominance does he get too harsh with you. Depending on WHEN he finds you will depend on how quickly he steals you away. But he’s going to take care of you, you are HIS mate and mates are to be cared for, protected. He knows it’s not exactly normal to keep you the way he does, but something in him wont allow for you to even have the possibility to consider someone else. He’s going to show you that HE is the best for you. That HE knows the best for you. He may be jealous and possessive but he wont harm you so much so that you would be repulsed by his touch. No, he wants you pliant and giving in when he reaches for you, relaxing in his embrace or even seeking his touch out. If you take your pleasure with out him, he’s not going to let you sleep, it will get to the point you will end up passing out and he will keep going. He’s going to take you again when you wake. Your pleasure is for him to take and give.

Wukong:

Wukong is…very friendly to you. He also is a very good, if sometimes annoying, traveling companion or protector. So you really don’t notice anything out of the ordinary with him in the beginning. By the time you do it’s honestly too late for you. He’s lulled you into his intricate web and there’s no escape from him. Because he’s had his eyes on you and what Wukong wants, Wukong gets. He also knows there is no one else better than him for you.

- [ ] He knows almost immediately after meeting you that he wants you. It’s not a normal ‘want’ either. It’s the kind of greed he that claws at him from the inside desperate to get out and get a hold of you.

- [ ] Wukong will temper SOME of his more…greedy tendencies down. At first. But he has a way about him that is very demanding and commanding. Being the King and powerful being he is.

- [ ] He has a way of making you feel comfortable around him, as though you belong by his side. He’s going to make sure you see HIM as your protector and someone to go to for help or anything you need.

- [ ] Wukong will be outright flirtatious with you, but he wont be overtly forceful with his touches right away. He wants to get you warmed up to him and used to his ‘casual’ touches. Something he does NOT do for others but you dont need to know that.

- [ ] He definitely disguises himself when you go bathing, be it a fish in the water or a bug flying about. He wants his eyes on you at all times. Yes, this means he may brush against you often while in his forms of trickery.

- [ ] Would absolutely disguise himself as a woman in a bathhouse if you went to one and offer to help you bathe. (He will fish for compliments about himself if you mention him traveling with you)

- [ ] Wukong is going to be manipulative in a way you dont even realize. He’s mouthy and cunning so he’s going to use his words to steer you in whatever direction he wants things to go in.

- [ ] He’s also very opinionated and stubborn, sometimes using that to his advantage to get you to submit to him with some kind of benefit after, be it something he gets for you or he’s just all around more pleasant. He’s subtle about it all at first.

- [ ] Everything will be orchestrated to his needs/wants even if it LOOKS like it’s yours, because in his mind he knows what’s best FOR you.

- [ ] You’re going to wear clothes he finds for you (will probably take your preferences into consideration because he wants you happy but will definitely get things that suit his taste too), you will periodically have to share his clothes (because he dirty’s yours on purpose or ruins them).

- [ ] He wants you to rely on him for most things, getting you food to cook, personal effects/items, etc. Essentially hes going to be a sugar daddy LMFAO but in a way that he’s not necessarily giving you money, he just gets the thing for you while you wait for him because he wants you getting used to HIM taking care of you.

- [ ] *Non Con - Wukong will definitely slip things at times into your food or drink, wanting to make you think your having lovely dreams about him but in reality he has you in his lap, your legs spread wide open, one over each of his knees as he’s caressing your body or filling your hole with his tail or fingers. The wet sounds filling the air while youre out of it. Come morning there wont be a trace on you - besides the ever present lingering scent of his on your skin thanks to how touchy he is in general. Through this he explores your body, getting it needy for his touch.

- [ ] He’s also going to cum on you while you sleep or will rub his precum on the inside of your panties so when you wear them you dont even realize what he’s done as its mixed with your natural discharge of fluids that end up on your underwear throughout the day. But HIS precum and scent is pressed directly against your pussy all day.

- [ ] Depending on the situation - he may steal you away right away or he might wait and bide his time, getting you to be relaxed with him before he takes you away for himself.

- [ ] Either way, once he has you to himself he’s going to get more intense. He may not penetrate you right away but he’s going to make you crave him, until you finally beg him to bully his cock into your hole.

- [ ] He’s going to press against you all the time, rubbing his body on yours, striping you and bringing you to the edge of pleasure with his fingers, mouth, or tail until UH OH, you didnt beg him to claim you. Oops….cant orgasm because you clearly dont need him like you should. But that doesnt mean HE cant cum. So he’s going to do so and rub it into your skin or cuming against your mouth as he holds it open. Wukong wants to cum in your pussy but he holds back, instead cleaning his cock off with your panties and making you wear them all day. Showing ownership over you.

- [ ] As mentioned before, hes mouthy. He’s going to be good at using his words and voice to pick at things and make you question things. Including calling you out on your body’s reactions to him. He finds it amusing when you try to hide it. He’s going to dig into those things about you and make you squirm - get you worked up as he whispers filthy things to you. Things you might not even have thought about but now you are.

- [ ] All you’re going to know is him, what he can give you and what he does for you. He’s made sure of it. So by the time you finally beg him to stuff you full, finally fully submitting to him and giving up your stubborn pride, he’s not going to hesitate. He’s going to press you down, ass up face pressed to the floor or bed with his hand on the back of your neck as he holds you down. His cock is going to enter you in one thrust and he will be nice for just a moment to let you spasm around his shape. Wukong will coo at you and the second you even slightly relax hes going to pull back and thrust in hard. The way he takes you that first time is total dominance, you will know who you belong to and where you belong. His finger prints will be bruised into your skin and his bite mark on you as he fully claims you as HIS MATE.

- [ ] He’s going to take care of you after though dont worry, he will be gentle and kiss your body. But he’s going to make you orgasm no matter how sore or overstimulated you are - this second round will be softer. The part of him that loves you and wants to pamper you taking over.

- [ ] Wukong wont have any issue playing with you in front of his monkeys (adult ones), so if there’s a meeting going on expect his tail to wander where it shouldn’t, slipping inside you. Or he will have a clone who’s bullied his way between your legs under the table. He might even have you sit on his cock, keeping still as he deals with whatever monkey business is going on. No one will ever see an intimate part of you, he wants to keep that for himself. But they will hear you screaming his name and they will see his marks on you.

- [ ] Over all Wukong as a yandere is much more vocally and mentally manipulative. He is also raw power and strength not used to being denied. If youre too stubborn or push back he’s going to show you who is boss and why HIS way is best. He wont ever truly harm you, but youre going to know punishment / consequences for your actions if you displease him. You’re his mate, so he’s going to take care of you but it’s going to be in the way he deems best. If you fully give yourself over to him he will pamper the absolute fuck out of you while also probably pushing your boundaries here and there. Because he LIKES showing his ownership of you. Wukong wont mind you taking your own pleasure but for every orgasm you have (essentially taking them from him) he’s going to have some form of punishment lined out for you. Your body is going to know the feel of him and him alone, or him and his clones because he has zero problem with pushing you to your limits with his clones, wanting to see you cock drunk on him.

General Both:

- [ ] Regularly walks around with your juices on his chin or on the fur surrounding his cock.

- [ ] Good at after care but doesn’t hold back when he wants something

- [ ] Loves seeing his marks on your skin and presses against them regularly with his fingers to watch you squirm and remember how you got the marks.

- [ ] Not above using all the tricks in the book to get you.

- [ ] Will happily chase you down if you run - into predator/prey stuff.

- [ ] Sensitive to your returned (given willingly) affection.

Extra dark -

these are harsher so skip if you don’t like: Doing a “both” here because it’s easier. These are in general terms so different AUs/situations apply

- [ ] Very jealous & possessive. If someone shows interest in you…they aren’t gonna live long.

- [ ] Will manipulate the things around you without you knowing to get what he wants which is YOU. Be it people or events etc - will make himself look like a good option/only option you have. (If he has to clone into someone or kill someone / make them look bad he will do it)

- [ ] He thinks he knows what’s best for you so whatever he needs to do he will and you will learn that too.

- [ ] Will kill someone you may have been interested in/with/might be married off too.

- [ ] Will assert his dominance by fucking you/making you scream for him in front of someone who had eyes on you/dating you/married to you/getting married to you while a clone of his holds them captive- will kill them after he’s done showing the person who you belong to.

- [ ] Will have you cock warm him while he’s doing important things (WK kingly duties etc). Doesn’t care if others are in the room but they better not LOOK at you. That’s the rule.

- [ ] Will use you until he’s done - especially if you fight him. But he’s going to make sure you crave him and his touch/pleasure.

- [ ] Rough with you, you will have his marks on your body at all times be it scratch’s or bites and bruises. (Might make a special mark - maybe his initials)

- [ ] Going to keep you open and wet for him for when he needs you. Loves you cock drunk and mindless. Uses you as stress relief too after a hard day/fight

- [ ] Would absolutely baby trap you.

- [ ] If he wanted to really play with you, he’d capture you, fuck you, and release you with his cum still filling you (he’s going to be near by don’t worry). He will do this many times until all you can dream about is him/his touch. (Yes he could just keep you but he wants to mentally mess with you - make you crave the pleasure he forces on you)

- [ ] In that same category- will spike your food/drink and will fuck you into his shape. You’ll wake thinking you had some erotic dream but in reality he had genuinely claimed you.

- [ ] Will stalk the fuck out of you, you’ll catch him out of the corner of your eye because he WANTS you to. Wants to smell your fear a little because it excites him.

- [ ] Will make you walk around with his cum on your skin/In you - you WILL smell like his.

- [ ] Will get you anything you need but takes his payment from your body/pleasure. (Publicly too)

- [ ] You will wear the things he picks for you, some for his eyes only. Be it body jewelry or sexy items. When you’re in public you wear his favorite colors on you or the things he adorns you with.

- [ ] Fighting him is useless and only eggs him on - push him too much though and he WILL assert his power over you. You won’t be moving anywhere and will feel his ‘punishment’

- [ ] Mentally/emotionally will make it so you are so far gone on him and dependent on him you don’t even consider escaping anymore.

- [ ] Because while he’s dominant and forceful he adds enough sweetness to keep you addicted to him. Yes, he will take care of you and your basic needs and even provide good after care. You are his mate at the end of the day.

- [ ] You sleep with him every night - snug against his body. (If he hasn’t stolen you away he’s definitely sneaking into your bed)

- [ ] Regularly uses his clones not only to monitor you but to keep you ready for him. Might play punishment games if you cum while being touched by a clone.

- [ ] If someone tries to help you escape you’re going to be given their head as a trophy.

- [ ] If someone tries to take you from him, he’s going to level mountains.

- [ ] Might test you to see if you will try to escape….punishments as consequences.

- [ ] Will protect you with everything he has and any children you give him.

- [ ] Depending on the situation is suspicious if you returning affection - but if he sees it’s genuine he’s going to be smug as fuck and also very vulnerable about it but won’t show that.

[the-lesbian-orpheus]

(kinda sorta)

Life SMP Hadestown AU

//Life SMP Hadestown AU//

Master post for something no one may see.

Idk if this is anything but enjoy

I dunno- this and into the woods is my favorite musicals and I’ve had traffic brain rot for AGESSS and I was finally re-listening to Hadestown and this absolute fever dream of an idea dawned on me during hey little song bird

So yeah. Enjoy?

Here’s the original post when I got this idea

And obvious disclaimer this are all the character versions of these people not the actual people thank you very much for you patience.

ANYWAY

//Life series Hadestown AU//

Eurydice- Jimmy Solidarity ✨the canary✨ you see the vision. This (joke?) is what started this whole thing so.

Orpheus- Still deciding between Scott and Tango

Tango pros:

- They are soulmates

- the goat horns are kinda vaguely like music/an instrument 👀

- ranchers duo is SO SWEET always

- their lives are tethered which in a way fits the story of the show and the myth.

- idk i just like this idea

- why are you still here? It’s over. Go home.

- c!jimmy seems to be on better terms with c!tango than c!scott soooo

Scott pros:

- they were husbands, Jimmy died first tragically (very accurate to original myth)

- THE FLOWER MOTIF- specifically a red flower. It’s just so perfect

- they saw each other in the afterlife

- Scott is always attached to flower husbands which seems fitting

- he likes to sing? Empires musical? I don’t know but it seems like it works

-flower husbands and desert duo have connections (you will see why this is important)

So yeah leaning towards tango for the vibes but leaning towards Scott for actual similarities in plot and such.

(If someone wants to say Joel or someone I will happily hear you out lol)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hades and Persephone- c!Grian and c!Scar/desert duo. The characters were once in love and then it grew into a a more bitter relationship. There are lots of potential parallels with Hadestown older lovers and desert duo. Grian and scar also have flower/plant motifs.

Grian as hades- He is a watcher, which seems fitting. Creator of the games seems fitting for god of death and also the industrial foreman Hadestown has. Original winner.

Scar as Persephone- Now that he is a winner, I personally love the idea of him being the earth, which is perfect for the god(dess) of spring. I also think his secret life skins going from green to black is an accidental parallel.

The only real issue with this is I want to incorporate Grian being the sun but that’s contradictory;-;

Hermes- My main idea atm is Martyn. This is mostly because storytelling and lore is very connected to him and his character. Who doesn’t love some eyes and ears AU/lore

I am also considering pearl just because I like that idea, her being the moon and being connected to g and s, etc

And Ren because he is such a storyteller/theater kid

The Fates- I have several ideas for this

-the watchers(and secret keeper.) Obvious reasons

- the other winners

-clethubs because they are a fun/good trio lol

- ren, pearl, Scott (in case I don’t have them as Hermes/orpheus)

- the remaining Evo members: bigb (also he was so creechur in third life ), pearl, and if he’s not Hermes, Martyn (also good since pearl and martyn have won)

__________________________________________

Based on a lot of the plant motifs imagine if instead of a carnation it was a poppy.

I’m very slow with drawing and have never written any kind of fic before but if people like this idea I’d love suggestions for the AU and I’ll definitely make some character designs :)

Character designs/descriptions:

Jimmy coming soon to a theater near you

Other posts for the AU:

Full circle lol

Potential name

How to include both Scott and Tango

[romana-after-dark]

Ghost of You: Chapter 5

Ellie Miller & Joel Miller

ft. Tommy Miller, Lorenzo and Zach Aleverano

Masterlist

Summary: 16 years after her mom and dad's death, Ellie is finding her place in Jackson, being raised by her Uncle Tommy with the help of her uncle's Lorenzo and Zach. She loves them, but can't help but feel stifled. Soon, she finds out her suspicions were true, and her uncles have been lying to her. Will Ellie learn the truth? Can she trust anyone in this situation?

Takes place after The Wrong Way, but if you havn't read that series (too dark for you, too long, etc) you can read this. Since it's through Ellie's perspective, you can discover the truth alongside her.

DARK FIC! This is a dark!Joel, with canon typical violence and extra on the Joel. Anything discussed or shown in TWW is liable to be discussed here. There will be violence, but no shown sexual violence. Although this Joel is very dark, he is NOT DARK TO ELLIE. None of the things that happened to Ellie's mom are applicable to Ellie, but will be discussed.

Content warnings for entire series, not chapter by chapter unless more is added.

Talk/mentions/discussions of post rape, molestation, torture, violence, branding, forced breeding, major age gap (early 20's to later 40's), death. Child endangerment, major character death, murder, homophobic remarks, minor hate crime, manipulation, identity crisis.

Extra warning for depiction of death and detailing of everything that was done to Ellie's mom. I'm kinda iffy on whether I liked how the reality was told to Ellie. If you read TWW you know this all already so maybe you think this boring to recount it all but I needed Ellie to get the full truth and I have readers on AO3 who havnt read TWW so they need to know the gravity of the situation the same way we do. Sorry if its repetitive but maybe it's interesting to have different perspective. I don't have Ellie's reaction to each bit of info but In my head imagining a flashback cut with scenes from TWW like a movie XD

**************

She was coming home late. Again. Ellie had attended Jack’s funeral and stuck around long enough to talk a little with Maura and June before heading out to see Joel. Her aunt’s lied, but not as extensively and often as her uncle’s who were a part of her day to day life, forming her identity that was now in shambles, the identity that was beginning to be wrapped around Joel. She would be a raider, she would be a protector, a provider, she would be her dad’s right hand man and take over for him when he could no longer.

It was exhausting, all of it. Joel had been taking her on a few trips to collect payment, trips that had gone smoothly and Joel explained how the protection worked, the parameters, how he dispersed his men. He even took her out with him to bring food to a family. She saw the good he was doing, she saw the joy in the little boy’s face. It was going good.

But she was tired. School started back up again; her last year, technically, although she wasn’t going to stay very long. Once Joel had promised her a place to live, Ellie had already mentally left. It was just a matter of leaving. She never spoke to Tommy outside of him informing her when the funeral was, she wouldn’t miss him, she insisted to herself. After cremating Jack’s body, it took nearly two weeks to do an actual funeral since it was bailing season. The crops don’t stop for mourning, and the crops are needed to live. Ellie would miss Lorenzo and Zach, she could admit that to herself, even a little bit… Dina was who was hard to leave.

“Hey Ellie belly” Lorenzo’s voice in the darkness.

“Jesus” She jumped, turning to see a vague outline of her uncle on the porch in the moon light. “We have lights here. You don’t have to lurk in the dark”

She heard him chuckle, muttering “fair enough” before turning the porch light on. “Attracts mosquitoes” He reasoned. “But I suppose mosquito season’s winding down.”

Ellie shrugged, then moved to get back in her house.

Lorenzo called to her. “Elles, c’mon. Sit with me a bit? It’s been a long day…” Now that the light was on, she could see his wrecked state. Blunt in one hand, Tommy’s moonshine in another, the lamplight reflecting off his wet face.

And Ellie felt bad. Bad enough and tired enough from the constant balance of school, work, Joel that she didn’t have it in here to fight tonight.

She stepped up on the porch, sitting on the chair and Lorenzo poured her a cup of moonshine. “Don’t tell your dad”

“He’s not my dad” Ellie glared at him, but Lorenzo just rolled his eyes.

“Sure, Ellie belly.” He took a sip before sighing. Lorenzo was wasted. “I’ve missed you, kid, I know you’re going through something, and that’s okay. We’ve all been there, to some extent. As long as you don’t have a crisis and join the army like Tommy, you’ll be okay.

Ellie couldn’t help but laugh at that. She hadn’t joined the army, but she doubted Lorenzo would be thrilled at what she did join. “Well, I won’t join the army, I can promise you that.”

“You’re a good kid, Ellie.” Lorenzo told her before they fell into a comfortable silence, taking a drink, then a hit, then a drink, then a hit…

It was nice out, a cool late summer night, the sounds of people on mainstreet still partying into the wee hours. It was well deserved. Everyone that was able bodied helped with bailing and harvest, even the ones who were too young to have jobs yet. It was necessary for survival. But after working hard, the town of Jackson played hard too. Ellie wanted to incorporate something like this into Joel’s regime, something Joel liked the sound of. He didn’t know much about farm work,  but said for a while, Ellie’s mom had a mini farm going a garden ig enough to feed his men and often donate to other families. She had chickens, sheep, a few pigs, and talked about getting cattle one day. Joel said he thought Ellie could do it, starting small like her mom and working her way bigger, providing employment to families who needed it. He had even gotten to work rebuilding the chicken coupe her mom used. It would be good. Ellie would do good. She cared about people.

“They tell you what they found on Jack’s body?” Lorenzo’s voice broke Ellie out of her thoughts.

“Huh?” She said, still tired and a bit dazed from her drink. Lorenzo was slouched in his chair, looking over the railing of his porch. Looking right past her.

“Jack. That found initials on his body… carved into his skin.”

Suddenly, Ellie was thrust back to the day she watched the man die in front of her, when she walked away and Joel stayed behind a moment… ‘Always take credit for what you do, Ellie June. Never hide in the shadows.’ “Why… why are you telling me this…”

Lorenzo looked about as dazed as Ellie felt eyes glazed over “Just reminded me of your dad, is all.”

That familiar cold chill, the flush she felt on her cheeks… what was he talking about? What was he doing? “You never… you never talk about my dad.”

His eyes met hers, and he didn’t look like Lorenzo… he looked tired, he looked sad, he looked so unlike her fun loving uncle she had adored months ago. Something was wrong. Something was really fucking wrong. 

“Didn’t wanna lie to you, Ellie belly. I know I technically did, ly’n by omission, but I never told you no lies…”

Despite the chill on her skin, all Ellie could feel was the heat at her skin. She would not have a panic attack, she would not pass out, she would hear what he was going to tell hear. She held his eyes. “Were the others lying?” She asked, heat rate picking up, the aggressive rise and fall of her chest would give away the anxiety she felt if Lorenzo wasn’t three sheets to the wind.

Lorenzo gave a dry laugh, looking away again. “You know damn well we have. You’ve been saying it for a while.” He leaned his head back, looking up at the night sky above him.

Leaning forward, resting her arms on her knees. “Renzo.” She tried to get his attention. “I need you to look at me.” Lorenzo did as she said, a distinct sadness wrinkling in his aging face. “You need to tell me what they lied about.”

“You think you’re ready?” His tone was serious, dark and a warning that she may not like what she heard. But if Lorenzo never lied, she could trust him, right? Or should he trust Joel? Or should she trust Tommy? Everything was a mess, and she admitted, perhaps for the first time, she didn’t buy Joel’s answer when she asked him about Jack. A seed of doubt had been planted, and Lorenzo was watering it. Drunk, however, she bet she could get the truth out of him. 

Ellie pulled her chair closer to her uncle. “Tell me everything”

He stared at her, a cold expression but warmth in his eyes. Even when they fought, she was never scared of him. Lorenzo loved her, and fuck if she didn’t love him too. She needed to know the truth, even if it made the ones she loved look bad.

“Your dad is a alive, and he is a horrible, evil man.” Hell of a way to start. Lorenzo leaned in closer, wobbling a bit but coherent nonetheless. “You ready for a story? Because your aunts and uncles sure told you a good one. I was there when Tommy and Zach planned it out. Zach could’ve been a writer in another life.” He gave a wry laugh, but the sparkle in his eye briefly returned. He loved his husband. “I’m gonna tell you everything I know, because I think you deserve to understand where you came from, even if it ain’t the fairytale you were given. You think you can handle that?”

Ellie was growing frustrated. “Tell me!”

And god, did he ever.

“Your mom was twenty years old when your grandpa sold her to Joel. He was behind on payment he owed Joel- I should backtrack, your dad, uncle tommy and me were all raiders. We aint proud of it, but it’s what happened. I wasn’t there when this happened yet, but this is what Tommy told me- anyway, your grandpa molested your mom, but she remained a virgin so he told that to Joel. Joel became obsessed, taking your mom off to his house where Tommy, him, and other members lived. Tommy and your mom… well, there’s a lot there, a lot I think Tommy should have a chance to explain it better himself. But they were good friends. For months, your mom endured rape and torture from Joel, the only reason she lived is because Tommy did his best to take care of her. Zach… for a long time, Zach didn’t like Tommy, ‘bout killed him in a fight, blaming him for not helping her but…” Tommy shook his head as if trying to get images out of his mind. “Your mom was so twisted up by the end, she didn’t know which way was up. Another raider, not me, not Tommy and not Jack, his name was Nick.

“He raped your mom, and when she finally told Tommy, and Tommy told Joel, Joel skinned him alive. With your pocket knife actually. I think that’s when things changed for her. Joel has this way about him, this ability to manipulate. It didn’t matter that Joel raped your mom too, that he branded her after she tried to escape the first time, that he kidnapped her and tried to kill Zach, no, he had protected her from Nick and he had these moments of gentleness… your mom fell in love. Well. whatever version of love you could have in those circumstances.”

Ellie was fighting for her life, trying to stay conscious, not panic, not lack out… she needed to know the truth… but Joel? Her Joel? Her dad? She was a product of rape? Branding? Jesus, how many horrors had her mom endured in her short life? Ellie urged him on.

“How did she die?” Her voice was flat and numb.

“Honestly, I think she was slowly dying the whole time. Even after things calmed down, when Joel treated her better… she was dying. After Nick was killed, I was moved up, and your uncle Zach hired me to give everyone food poisoning so he could rescue her… that’s how we met, actually… your mom refused. She was convinced that Joel was the safest option for me.”

“What? Why? That makes no sense!”

Lorenzo sighed, scrubbing his face. “I know, Ellie, I know. Listen, in the beginning I didn’t really get it either, I still don’t, not really, but… I think it’s one of those things you can never truly understand unless you’re there. Like I said, your mom was sexually abused her whole life, your grandpa allowing men to beat her and sexually assault her in other ways outside of sex, Zach and June were the only kindness she’d known since her own mom died… Joel provided for her, food, protection, warmth, and company. She got to know a lot of the guys in the house, Tommy, Jack… later on, me. Joel wasn’t hurting her anymore, it was better than the life she knew outside that house. Anyway, Joel found out Tommy was fucking around with Maria back then and almost killed him, your mom stepped in, and Joel put a gun to her head, said if she didn’t kill tommy, he’d kill her. I think that’s why Tommy felt so indebted to her… she refused to kill him. In the end, Joel let them both live, kicking Tommy out. A few weeks later, she figured out she was pregnant and I think a flip switched in Joel. What they told you about Sarah, that’s all true. I think he thought he could bring Sarah back in some way… That’s when your mom and I got close. Everything was going relatively well for a few months, but when your mom was 8 months pregnant, I don’t know what she said that set Joel off but” He closed his eyes tightly. The memory was clearly painful to him. “He freaked out on her, beating her in the kitchen. She started screaming for Tommy and… god, I can never get that sound out of my head, I hear it in my sleep sometimes. I was frozen, I should’ve helped her but… Joel, when he’s on a rampage… he’ll kill anyone and everyone in his path but that’s not an excuse. She was an innocent pregnant woman and Joel was trying to kill her.” He opened his eyes again, tears glistening in the artificial light. “Completely innocent. Never done a thing wrong in her life, but I can’t think of anything a woman could do to deserve what was done to her that year. What’s done is done, I guess. But he took her out to tree, tying up a noose around her neck as they stood on a chair, threatening to kick it out from under her; he had her on her tippy toes, gasping for air as he was screaming how pathetic she is, a bad mom, her kid and Joel didn’t deserve her… jesus.

“It was when he walked away, leaving her up there and telling us that anyone that helped her would be killed, Jack and I got her down. She was concussed, so we had to practically carry her inside the house. That’s how I got these” Lorenzo lifted up his shirt to reveal the bullet wound Ellie knew already but didn’t know the cause behind, then pointed to the familiar scar on his forehead. “Joel pistol whipped me and shot me. It was a few days later Jack found our mom trying to leave. I took her to Jackson, Jack went to get Zach and June and Maura. We found Tommy, and he set out with her to get your mom and you to Boston. Well, Joel found them. He always would, I suppose, the man is obsessed, relentless, so convince he owned her, that she was his wife despite being what, 20? 25 years older than her? Something like that? Whatever. Tommy tried to fight him, your mom ran for it, but the trauma sent her into early labor. That girl ran for her life from Joel and a goddamn infected 8 months pregnant and still recovering from a beating and a concussion, to save you. With the knife she took off of Nicks dead body, she killed the infect while giving birth to you.” A light, disbelieving chuckle. “She was incredible. I know Tommy and Joel and Zach thought she was helpless, but she was so strong, her ability to protect you was incredible. She did it all for you, Ellie Miller. All for you. Thing was, she had gotten infected. She gave birth to you and was bit right after.” 

That was something that remained true in everyone's story, Tommy’s and Joel’s. Her mom was dead, and it was because of an infected.

“Tommy found you and her first, then Joel. Tommy shot Joel in the fight, but I guess he couldn’t make a kill shot…” Lorenzo rolled his eyes, slouching on the chair more and more, hsi eyes drooping. “In the end, Joel let Tommy have you. I think, maybe, some part of Joel did care for your mom… and Zach will disagree, but Tommy and I agree that he loved you. He loved Sarah, and he loved you. That’s why he let you go. Joel was the one to klil her. Hm. I was always gonna end like that, I think, Joel was always going to take her last breath, it was just a matter of how and when. But your mom fought, Ellie, she fought for you, for your life, for your freedom. That’s why I’m telling you this” His eyes were closed now, voice muttering. “Whatever’s going on, you need to know her and Tommy fought for you, and Tommy loves you. He doesn’t love you like his own, you are his own, there's no doubt in my head. We all love you, Ellie... So fucking much.” A light snore, and her chance to ask any questions was gone.

Ellie had to get home. She had to go home and get into bed… It wasn’t that she couldn’t believe Lorenzo… she couldn’t believe anyone.

She got up and shook him. “Lorenzo. Lorenzo!” He stirred. She just had one question, one thing she needed to know… “What was on Jack’s body? The initials”

Lorenzo was mutter incomprehensibly, and Ellie, in a panic, slapped him, his eyes shooting wide awake for a moment. “Huh?”

“Renzo! What were the goddamn initials on Jack!”

He began to fade out again, closing his eyes and mumbling what she already was pretty sure she knew. “J.M.”

“Zach!” She called, and her other uncle came outside to check on her. Ellie just told him Lorenzo fell asleep, and that she needed to go to bed. Zach took care of him. He always did. The way Zach always took care of her.

How stupid of her to doubt her family. The men who had done nothing but protect her, nurture her, make her laugh… but Joel was her family too, wasn’t he? She was almost certain Lorenzo was telling the truth… but if he was…

Ellie was in too deep with Joel. Joel had shown her private details, where he lived, patrol routes, what lands were his and how exactly he did things. She SAW HIM kill… How was she supposed to get out of this? Joel was a murderer and rapist, a woman beater who had no qualms attempting to kill his pregnant wife he claimed to love, and almost killed Tommy, his own brother… Ellie stumbled back to her house, barely shutting the door before she braced herself on a pillar in her home, hand on her chest, panting. It was coming, that tight feeling in her chest again.. Breath in, breath out, breath in, breath out. She was trapped. She got entangled with a violent rapist, how did she not see this? How did she fall for it so quickly, so easily? He was so calm, so steady, so patient. Joel never pushed her, never made her feel worried. Was he grooming her? Would she fall victim to the same horrors her mom had? But she couldn’t leave… Joel would kill her… she suddenly felt like she understood why her mom couldn’t leave Joel… and that was solidified a week later when she still found herself going with Joel, unable to tell him no… She was too goddamn scared. Scared of him, scared of losing him… she wasn’t sure which.

Joel noticed her change in demeanor, but Ellie chalked it up to Jack’s death bothering her, which Joel seemed to buy. It wasn’t until a simple debt collection went wrong that Ellie knew she had to do something.

It was just meant to be Joel checking in on a debt, a farmer owed him but he said his kid had been sick and he had to trade for medicine. Ellie could see a few children in the house from where the father stood protectively at the door way, attempting to shoo away a girl not much older than she was away from the door. Ellie thought how similar this scenario was to the one Lorenzo had told her, the reality of how her mom came into Joel’s life… Would the father offer the girl to Joel? Is that a normal thing to do, sell your child for a night or for a lifetime to get out of problems? No. No way. There was no reality in which Tommy would do that, no version of Tommy that would do that to her, Tommy would die before he let someone hurt her… so why had she barely said a word to him in months? Ellie watched as the man tried to bargain, the interaction growing more and more heated until the man was yelling at Joel, calling him a cruel bastard before turning to Ellie.

“And just who is she? Another child bride? Jesus Joel, how old is she, 13? What the fuck is wrong with you, you goddamn freak- AH!” The man’s words were cut short, his scream matched by his daughter’s and Ellie’s. She watched as the man writhed and jolted in pain, hsi three children surrendering him as the eldest daughter cried out for her dad and tried to save him and he gurgled up blood

Joel, for his part, walked away, pulling Ellie along with him. “C’mon, you don't need to see that.”

“But- but- you shot him…” She gapped, even with the revelation of what Joel was, it was difficult for Ellie to reconcile the man she new with the man who had killed a father in cold blood and was currently pulling her away like it was nothing.

Ellie went with the motions, allowing Joel to practically pull her up onto the horse with him, protesting that no, they should help him they can’t just leave the family, Joel ignoring her as he sets the horse off in a run; the voices of the crying children and horrific sounds of the man slowly dying fading off behind them.

When they stopped, Ellie stumbled off the horse, only managing to walk a few step before spilling the contents of her stomach onto the ground. Joel was quickly at her side, but she jumped away at the feeling of Joel’s hand on her back

“Hey, hey it’s okay baby girl, I know that was a lot”

“You shot him!” She shouted, still bent over and spitting out the stomach bile. She could smell it, the stench permeating and adding to her own nausea. Ellie heaved again, her heart racing at the horrors she just saw. This was worse, so much worse than Jack’s death. Jack’s death was execution style. Quick. This man… she watched blood spill out of his mouth, his body twitching and wriggling in the arms of his family as he bled out; she had smelled the copper in the air.

“Ellie June, look at me, look at me baby girl. It’s me.” Joel held her shoulders, the concern so deep in his eyes… even after it all, she couldn’t doubt that he worried for her. “He was going for his gun, okay? He had a gun on his belt.”

She shook her head. “No, no I didn’t see a gun… he didn’t reach for-”

“Hey” he interrupted her, a gentle hand on her face, the sleeve of his shirt tenderly cleaning of the puke. “I wouldn’t lie to you Ellie June. That was a tense situation back there, you were probably worried, right?”

Ellie nodded. She was, she was really worried, she had been all week…

“Okay, so when you’re worried, when you begin panicking, you don’t notice things, things just get a little blurry. I know. When I used to get panic attacks, everything just faded away. But you gotta train yourself, Ellie. You’re young, you’re new to this, it’s okay. You’ve never had to worry about whether someone has a gun or not. Someone’s always been there to protect you, havn’t they? Right. That’s what I’m here for. You didn’t know there was a gun, you didn’t know he was reaching because you didn’t have to. It’s my job to protect you, Ellie June. You just didn’t notice, is all. But that’s okay, I’ll teach you, I’ll teach you to defend yourself, okay?”

… did she miss it? Had he really had a gun? Was he going to shoot Joel or Ellie…? Maybe Joel was right. She wasn’t trained for this, trained to spot it. Had Lorenzo lied? No, Lorenzo was honest… but that was his version of events. He admitted himself he didn’t come into the picture until what? Halfway through? What if Lorenzo just didn’t see the full picture like Ellie didn’t just now? 

She didn’t know what to think anymore, her doubt was with everyone, she couldn’t even trust her own reality, her own perception… Maybe Lorenzo had been lying? Joel was right, she wasn’t trained to observe… If she couldn’t trust herself, she could trust her dad… right?

When Ellie left, Joel offered to ride with her closer this time, it might be a risk but she had clearly had a shock. Ellie declined. Joel had taken her back to his place as he usually did, fed her, made sure she had what she needed or wanted before riding back with her. Ellie suggested he part from her a bit sooner rather than later, citing that after Jack’s murder, patrols have ramped up. Joel once again asked when she was moving in, and Ellie just said she has to figure out how to tell Dina, which he seemed to accept, sending her on her way with some supplies Ellie asked for, wanting to trade around town a bit. Joel never questioned when she wanted something.

He never had a reason to.

But he should’ve. As soon as she was sure he was away, the darkness on the edge of town masking him from the people who assumed he was long gone, Ellie quickly made her way back to the old farmhouse she had been to with Joel. Gathering up all her courage, Ellie knocked on the door. It was silent, but there was someone in there. Ellie attempted to deepen her voice. “Open up! I work for Joel!”

Quickly, there was movement, a scurrying and whispering to hide before the young girl from before opened up. “You. What do you want? We have nothing!” She had clearly been crying.

“I need to see your fathers body.”

She laughed in her face. “Why, you need a souvenir? Your psycho husband need proof that he’s dead or something?”

Ellie didn’t have time for this. She bypassed the husband comment about her dad and pushed through the girl, finding the man’s dead body on the ground, cleaned up.

There was no gun. 

Thus no reason for him to be dead except Joel’ anger.

Ellie remembered standing there for a while as the girl tried to keep the younger kids away, the familiar eeeeeeee in her ears that had become all too common. She remember throwing off her backpack and mumbling that it’s for them, the supplies and food Joel had given her to ‘trade’. Ellie didn’t need to trade, Tommy got her anything she needed. If Tommy couldn’t figure it out, Lorenzo or Zach would. She wanted for nothing. She had everything she needed in her uncles whose only sin was lying, and after learning the truth, could she blame them? She was conceived out of rape an violence, no wonder Joel saw violence in her heart, no wonder Joel thought she was capable of being a raider. He had deluded her reality into thinking that no, he wasn’t a bad man, he was a leader who took care of his people; that was proven false.

Joel didn’t kill the man in the woods because he was a rapist.

Joel killed Jack because he helped her mom escape the violence.

Joel didn’t kill the man at the farm because he was going for a gun.

He killed an innocent father who was trying to protect his children just because he owed him payment and insulted him.

She didn’t remember the ride home.

All Ellie remembered was walking into her house, her home, and finding Tommy sitting at the kitchen table, head in his hands. When he looked up, there were tears in his eyes that he quickly tried to wipe away. “Oh. Hey.” He said hesitantly, surprised she was in the room long enough for him to get a word out. “I thought you were in bed?”

Ellie was home. She was home and she was safe. Safe enough to allow the panic to set in, the anxiety; she no longer has to just power through it. Tommy was there to take care of her. “I’ve been… I’ve been sneaking out…”

“I know” Tommy nods, eyes still wet but laced with worry for her now. “I’ve known all year…”

This revelation was new to her. Tommy had known all along? Long before she met Joel and every changed, the panic attacks started, she saw death for the first time… “You knew?” Ellie hated how her voice cracked. Ellie June Miller didn’t cry… but damn if she just might start.

“Yeah. The gun cabinets been unlocked since I found out… figured if you were in trouble you could take a gun.”

She wished she’d figured that out before. “Then why didn’t you stop me!” She was frustrated, at herself and at Tommy, the residual anger she felt at being lied to was still there despite finding out why. She couldn’t turn that off in a matter of hours.

“Ellie, honey, the world is different from what I had as a teenager. You think I never snuck out? Of course I did. I may not seem like it, maybe I seem boring and old now but I was young once too. But what am I supposed to do? Back in my day, I could ground you… but at 16, you’re practically an adult. You work, you do patrols, fuck, I can’t stop you from doing anything if I wanted to… so, all I can do is try to have a relationship where you can talk to me if you need to but…” He turned away for a moment, breathed, and turned back. “Somehow I managed to mess that up recently. Ellie, I don’t know what I did but… I’m sorry, whatever it is. You gotta know how much I love you.” When Tommy’s tears fell again, Ellie’s did too. “You gotta know you’re my whole world, nothing in this life matters more to me than you do.”

Ellie looked at her uncle, sitting at the table across from her. His age certainly showed, salt peppering at his black waves; his mustache was all but gray. Has he looked like this months ago? When all this started with Joel? Or had her rejection of him aged him this much… Ellie was scared. Scared of Joel, scared of what she’d seen, scared she was complicit in the death of her family and the father, scared of who she was becoming, the violence and darkness she was born into. She needed help. She needed so much fucking help because Joel was dangerous and she wasn’t strong enough to do this alone. She needed her dad. Not the dad that killed people in front of her, not the dad that killed a man she considered family. Not the dad that violently raped her mother and forced a pregacy on her, not the man that attempted to kill Tommy, Zach and Lorenzo… 

No.

Ellie needed her dad.

Tears soaked her face as she choked back a sob. “Dad, I need help” Ellie cried, voice breaking down as Tommy rushed up from the table, hurrying to her with a worry-stricken face etching at his aging features. “I’m in trouble.”

****************

NEXT CHAPTER IS OUR LAAAASSSSSTTTT

any guesses on how things end???

I wanna hear theories!

I hope the conflict in Ellie comes out, her back and forth, her inability to trust even herself. That's what Joel does best.

TOMMY AND ELLIE MAKING UUUPPPPPPP

Reblogs spread my work and comments keep me writing!

I wrote this whole thing sick and even sicker after eating bad cheese. Its been a day.

@maura-honey @my-secret-shame-but-fanfiction @the-fox-den @not-a-unique-snowflake-blog @koshkaj-blog @miraclesabound @ramblers-lets-get-ramblin @pimosworld

[erotikkook]

I'm Back!

𝐀 𝐒𝐦𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐈𝐧𝐭𝐫𝐨𝐝𝐮𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 Hi there, everyone! It's been a hot minute since I've been active (i.e. over 6 months), but I wanted to give you a long update on where I've been, what I've been doing, etc.! If you're not a big reader, I'd skip past this post - it'll be kinda lengthy. possible tw: mental health/physical health, potential cursing, mentions of sex in relation to tumblr content - ALL SECTIONS WILL HAVE TW ACCORDINGLY

NOTE: THERE IS ALSO AN ANNOUNCEMENT ABOUT SOME UPCOMING FICS. IF YOU'RE NOT INTERESTED IN MY PERSONAL LIFE BUT WANT TO KNOW ABOUT WHAT TO EXPECT HERE IN TERMS OF MY WRITING, JUST SCROLL TO THE CATEGORY LABELLED "FANFICTION"

𝗠𝗬 𝗣𝗘𝗥𝗦𝗢𝗡𝗔𝗟 𝗟𝗜𝗙𝗘

𝙒𝙤𝙧𝙠 I've spent extensive time going from one job to the next. I'm making a very similar transition again, hopefully for the final job. It's an even better full-time job that would make me twice as much as I make now. I was offered a position which means I'm well on my way to renting an apartment and getting a better car!

𝘽𝙞𝙧𝙩𝙝𝙙𝙖𝙮 By the time you see this, it'll be my 20th birthday! So just a little happy birthday to me and all my other April babies.

𝙋𝙝𝙮𝙨𝙞𝙘𝙖𝙡 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙈𝙚𝙣𝙩𝙖𝙡 𝙃𝙚𝙖𝙡𝙩𝙝 (𝙏𝙒) TW for this section, mentions of physical + mental health and mentions of weight. Please skip this if you're uncomfortable. I've also spent a lot of time being physically and mentally ill. I'm now officially diagnosed with several things. This means I'm on medicine, which makes me very tired, unable to do a lot, and made me gain weight as a side-effect of the medication. I've always had issues with my self-esteem, weight, and relationship with food - thus, I spiralled for a while and, being as stubborn as I am, refused to get help when I was suffering mentally. I still need help, but I'm happier and feel healthier too! I've learned to accept myself as I am and to love how I look. There was a ton of internalized fatphobia that I hadn't realised existed, and I've since been working through that. I'm also very slowly becoming friends with food again. Wish me luck! You're all good for TW now! Read on!

𝙈𝙮 𝙃𝙖𝙞𝙧 I've been grappling with other parts of myself too. My hair is one of them. It's been very feminine my entire life, and thus I've grappled with the length of it. It's also, at the same time, been my only source of comfort - something I could control and do with as I pleased. I've since come to terms with myself in many ways, so I've chopped all my hair off! I know it might not be a big deal to most people, but it took a lot for me to do that and admit that my obsession with it was unnerving and unhealthy. Imagine a mini mullet. If you're a close friend, you've probably been bombarded with pictures of my hair, but I'll leave the rest up to the crowd's imagination!

𝗜𝗗𝗘𝗡𝗧𝗜𝗧𝗬

𝘼𝙣 𝘼𝙣𝙣𝙤𝙪𝙣𝙘𝙚𝙢𝙚𝙣𝙩 I'd like to very formally announce that I identify as genderfluid! For those who may support the LGBTQ community but don't quite know what the term means, I think WebMD sums it up pretty well for just a vague understanding: "Someone who is fluid -- also called gender fluid -- is a person whose gender identity (the gender they identify with most) is not fixed. It can change over time or from day to day." Usually, this will switch between he/him & they/them for me on a personal basis, so if we're ever having interactions and you're unsure, those are your best bet! 𝙈𝙮 𝙉𝙖𝙢𝙚 I'd also like to officially announce that my preferred name is Declan! This was decided after almost six months of thought. Ngl, there were a lot of sleepless nights, but here we are, and I'm very happy with who I've become! I don't intend to explain my decision. I've talked with my support system about my feelings enough for the life of me, but nevertheless, thank you for your support in advance!

𝗙𝗮𝗻𝗳𝗶𝗰𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻

𝙁𝙞𝙘𝙨 𝘾𝙤𝙢𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙎𝙤𝙤𝙣 A few fics are coming your way. I'll announce them here but will probably make a separate post too! Here's what's set to come out (note, no dates are listed as of this moment, I'm bad with dates, and I no longer want to make promises I can't keep):

Desperate For You - Seokjin x Reader - based on Desperate by Jonas Blue & Nina Nesbitt

take it and run - Taehyung x Reader - based on Friends by Chase Atlantic

Fallin' Without Caution - Namjoon x Reader - based on People Watching by Conan Gray

checkmate - Yoongi x Reader - based on Lost The Breakup by Maisie Peters

I have about 31 requests (I counted, holy shit) to get through, so I'll also complete those. I know it's been over a year, but I appreciate the unending patience!

[prentissluvr]

hellooo! it's 🍇 anon again

this is more like a suggestion then a full on request bc i saw your post abt struggling to start fics without prompts/requests and i have so much like brain rot it's crazy so some kinda vague concepts i have (sorry if this Doesn't Help or feels pushy... idk...)

- date night with luke, some wonderful fluff

- nonverbal, for some reason or another, reader and luke helping them feel comfortable/communicate with them—luke is canonically at least proficient in asl + maybe spencer (also canonically knows asl) too

- dad/protective hotch! maybe something goes wrong during a case and hotch steps in and goes Full Father on someone to protect the reader

- waking up next to luke (and maybe roxy) in the morning

- trying to teach luke how to cook (he's canonically Pretty Bad)

- helping luke/any character of your choice become everyone in this show is traumatized through a bad flashback, episode, panic attack, etc.

again, these are all suggestions rather than full on requests, feel free to completely disregard them if you don't vibe with them

-🍇

heyyy answering this ask after a long ass time since i'm clearing out my inbox GRAPE EMOJI ANON I HOPE YOU'RE WELL !!! I MISS YOU <333 and i have all of these wonderful ideas written down in my ideas and brainstorming doc!!! hopefully once i'm back in my cm groove i can get some done!! <33 because i love all of these ideas so much <3

[dazed--xx]

I Adore You (1)

Request:  What would a Yandere j-hope’s reaction be to have another Yandere rival trying to “rescue” you from him? Sorry sorry I realized my last question was I guess a little vague. But I guess to specify what would Yandere J-hope’s reaction be to someone from rapline trying to “rescue” you, but they’re no better since they’re Yandere just the same maybe if not more? (Omg imagine if it was like 2 against 1? That be kinda fucked ngl)  

Member: (Ison-Gata) Yandere! Hoseok x Reader

Genre: Angst, Smut,

Word Count: 2,340

Trigger Warning: kidnapping, Multiple partners (SEXUALLY), Non-con, gun play, manipulation, degrading, possessiveness, DP, Breaking and Entering anything I did not mention.

A/N: MY FIRST J-HOPE FIC 7/7 DONE I LOVE YOU FOR REQUESTING also i appreciate you went back and explained a little more i enjoyed your idea and im sorry may I repeat that im absolutely trash im so sorry to the requester for how late this is.  I added what type of Yandere’s were also dealing with because i wanted there to be some depth with how and why each member acts a certain way. Also there will be a part 2 just like suspense and making series apparently lmfaoo anyway hope you enjoy this part one.

(not my gif) 

Yandere Types:

ison-gata (Hoseok): Dependence type. ("Dependence" as in addiction, alcohol dependence, chemical, etc.)"No, don't leave me! Please! I can't live without you! "Can't live without their love interest, and will beg them to not leave or throw them away. Claim that they will die or kill themselves if they leave. May lose will to do anything if they aren't watching. If their love interest does, in fact, leave; they might go full crazy and end up doing something crazy like going on a murderous rampage

mousou-gata (Yoongi) Delusion type. "Why are you running? Darling, you just told me that you loved me, remember!?"Similar to the "wrong idea" type, but far worse.When their insane love is unrequited (for obvious reasons), and they start running away from the crazy person, they'll think it's because they're embarrassed, and not because they don't want them. Their love distorts the reality they perceive. They see a bunch of delusions instead. The delusion type may also be in denial something unpleasant happened. They'll just forget it happened. Their memories may also be replaced with delusions: they'll remember a love being extremely nice to them when they were actually indifferent, or them saying saying they liked them before they even met.

sokubaku-gata (Namjoon) Restraint's type."Let's stay together forever! You'll never leave my side, not ever again!" They want to be with their love always, and always, and always, AND ALWAYS, AND ALWAYS. That means they'll probably kidnap them and lock them into their house so they're forced to stay with them. There are variations, some lighter, some worse, but the general idea is that they want themselves and their love to be inseparable.

suuhai-gata (RAPLINE) Worship type. "I'll do anything for you! I'll even kill for you! Please use me however you want!"They worships you and will do anything for you. Sometimes even without you asking. And more: They don't even mind if you love them or not, or what will happen to them. Killing, dying, committing crimes, losing respect of others, they'll do anything it means providing support to your infinite greatness. This is one of the least-harmful type of yandere to one self since they would never do anything to harm you and will never be in your way. Nonetheless, it's also one of the most depressing types; it makes you feel sorry for the yandere, who thinks of themself less like a person and more like a tool who might get thrown away if they're not useful enough. The difference between the "worship" type and the "self-sacrifice" type is that the "worship" type is also like the "disappearance" type. The "self-sacrifice" type wants to be useful so they can be loved, the "worship" type doesn't mind if they are not loved back, in fact, they probably thinks they are not worth being loved by the delusive greatness they consider you. They wouldn't, for example, attack your partner or other people out of jealousy, but they might attack a person approaching you because they think this person is stepping out of their boundaries and being presumptuous by daring to talk to your greatness without proper respect.

Y/N P.O.V  

“You haven’t called us back Y/N, why?” Namjoon’s fingers tangling in your hair, you take a small step back. Your back colliding with a warm firm chest, the figure chuckles behind you. “Namjoon, you know I’m with Hobi” you state meekly. Your eyes darting around you, praying Hoseok doesn’t find you sandwiched between 2 men. “We don’t mind sharing baby, you should know that” The raspy voice states behind you, of course it would be Yoongi. His arm wraps around your waist pulling your behind into his hard member, his lips brushing over your neck. “Joon-ah, Hobi doesn’t even mark her. Does he make you cum baby?” He asks as his lips attach to your throat. “I-I- um-y-” you stutter. Jesus, why did he have to bring Yoongi with him?  

Namjoon chuckles “Yoongi you’re not being fair” His hand reaching in the older male's blonde locks softly tugging him away from your neck. Thank GOD, I love you, Kim Namjoon. Your heart settles in your chest at his actions. Your relieved state only temporary as you hear him smugly ask. “Why are you the only one that gets to mark her?” “W-Wha-” Your protests cut off by Namjoon's hand wrapping around your chin forcing your head to the side, the side of your mouth pressed against Yoongi’s pouty lips. Namjoon’s tongue running over your throat, Yoongi’s hand replacing Namjoon’s on your chin. His lips connecting with yours forcefully, you can’t help the wetness that grows between your legs. Fuuuuccckkkk WHY DID HE HAVE TO BRING YOONGI WITH HIM?!?!?!?!?  

You can't help as your lips move against his, his tongue poking to enter your mouth finally bringing you back from your trance, “No!” You exclaim as you bring your knee forward to connect with Namjoon's stomach, curses released from his mouth as I bring my elbow to connect with Yoongi’s stomach. His hands releasing my figure and catching my arm before it could connect with his abdomen, a smug smirk on his otherwise expressionless face. My hand balling itself into a fist connecting with his eye. “Fucking bitch!” he exclaims as I dart out of the alley and into the crowded city streets.  

You pull your phone out opening the camera, 2 fresh marks on your throat opposite to each other. What am I gonna tell Hobi? Your heart racing at his reaction when he sees them.

________________________________________________________________

“THEY FUCKING WHAT?!” Hoseok exclaims, your eyes darting to the ground as you repeat how you got 2 hickies on your way home from work. 

Hoseok releases a sigh “Baby I-I am SO s-sorry, I should have been there this is my fault I need to do better” tears streaming down his face “You won't leave me, right?! Please don’t leave me I can be better than them I swear”  

You’ve had this happen every time Namjoon and Yoongi or any of the others in Namjoon’s circle approach you. It’s happened for about 5 months ever since Hoseok decided to go straight and stop, well honestly, he never told you but you were relieved you had met him bruised and bloody a bullet wound penetrating his abdomen. Gasping for air in the alleyway next to your apartment.  

“I won’t leave Hobi you know that. I love you, stop crying please” You comfort him. Your hand brushes over his hair, His eyes never leaving your face. “I promise I can be better than them I swear” You shake your head his statement “You’re perfect as you are” you connect your lips.  

There's a growing need between you, Hoseok lifts himself off the floor and hovers over you. His tongue exploring your mouth. His hand sliding into the waistband of your leggings, digits brushing over your slit. A small whimper escapes your lips, “I missed you so much baby” He mummers against your lips. A soft moan is all he allows you to respond with.  

“Who do you belong to Y/N?” He asks behind hooded eyes and puffy lips. “You Hobi” I respond as he slides his fingers into your core. “Ahh” you moan out, slowly Hoseok slides his digits in and out of you. He acts with fervor as he yanks the fabric down leaving you bare from the waist down. Your legs instinctively closing at his actions. “Tsk tsk tsk, open baby I really wanna taste you” He states softly, hands wrapping around your thighs forcing them open. Almost instantly his tongue is diving between your folds sliding rapidly against the bud between your lips.  

“F-fuck! Hobi” You moan out, he brings his left hand off of your thigh sticking his index finger in your mouth. Your tongue glides over the digit as his tongue dives into your core. You can feel that familiar knot form in your stomach as he pulls you by your thighs into his mouth. Sucking on the sensitive bud you lose yourself over his face.  

You can hear his zipper come undone and him lining himself up with your entrance. Gliding the tip of his length against your folds. His lips connecting with yours as he enters you. “UGHHHH Fuck so tight” he grunts behind clenched teeth as he bottoms out. “T-tell m-me when you’re good baby” His hand caresses your cheek.  

After a couple of seconds, you nod staring up at him. He begins thrusting into you at a rapid pace, his lips hovering over your ear “They like to fuck women like whores” He states matter of factly “They’d pass you back and forth” He grunts, moans releasing from your throat. “Namjoon and Yoongi” He answers your unasked question “They’d destroy your little pussy honestly baby I don’t think you’d be able to handle them” You don’t know why his words are arousing you so much but you continuously clench around him as he speaks. He pulls his head away from your own “You can barely handle me” “I-I can handle y-you o-oppa" You argue between breathy moans.  

His eyebrow raises a look you don’t recognize on his face. “Oh, can you?” He challenges, thrusts steady, you nod in response. “Let’s find out” He smirks, grasping your ankles lifting your legs placing them on his shoulders and laying himself forward. His length forcing its way deeper into your core. He snaps his hips into your core, pace growing rapidly. “F-fuck! You groan, guttural moans releasing themselves from your throat, your hands finding his hips slightly shoving them back as he enters your womb.  “No no no you fucking take it like you said you could” He argues, one hand wrapped around your legs the other shoving your hands away, “You’re too fucking good baby keep taking this cock im gonna cum so deep inside you what do you think about that?” he praises

“Hmmm pl-please oppa” you moan in response “fuck look at my little slut ready to have my fucking cum dripping from her pretty little cunt while I fuck her in her living room where her roommate could walk in at any time” He praises “do you wanna have my baby Y/N-ie”  

The only response your brain could respond with is a nod as a knot form in your stomach your climax growing near at every forceful thrust against your g-spot. “F-fuck you’ll look so pretty taking my cock baby mmm can't live without you” he captures your lips “tell me you won't leave”  

“f-fuck n-never I'd never leave oppa I lo-ove y-” your orgasm cuts you off your vision growing white as your body begins shaking. Hoseok’s arms wrap themselves around you holding you against his chest as his thrusts begin to sputter. He releases himself inside you with a groan. The moment his hips slow he presses his lips against your own.  

“Fuck I love you” is all you can hear as your fucked out energy drifts you off to sleep.

________________________________________________________________

You awaken eyes blurring as you adjust to the light, 3:27 am the clock on your night stand reads. Your throat feeling exceptionally dry and bladder full; you retreat from your bed and make your way to the bathroom then the kitchen to get yourself water.  

As the cool liquid soothes your throat you make your way to the living room finding your phone on the wireless charger and a message from Hoseok

Hubby: Fuck you make everything in life worth it, Im so sorry I couldn’t stay I have to work the night shift. I’ll see you tomorrow after you get out of work. I love you baby  

A smile forms on your lips as you read his message, placing your phone back on the wireless charger you walk back toward your room. Laying in your bed, sleep slowly begins to take over you.  

A warmth gliding over your folds awakens you only 45 minutes later, you can feel somewhat familiar hands gliding over your thighs as their tongue attacks your core; a small whimper escaping through your lips. When you feel a second set of hands grasping your breasts you snap awake a scream escaping from your throat as you struggle against the assailants.

 “Fuck you taste so good baby I can see why Hoseok-ie never wanted to share you” the low raspy voice you can recognize as Yoongi’s states. His tongue returning to your core before you could force your legs closed. You begin kicking your legs trying to force him off until you feel his hand go from your thigh to below the bed then a metal object was thrust against your throat “You’re gonna let us make you cum if you want your precious roommate to make it through the night understand” Namjoon states from across the room near your bedroom door.  

You shake your head rapidly, Yoongi chuckles against your core sucking on the bud igniting a soft moan to unwillingly escape from your lips. “Kitten your pussy is fucking soaked you love that im eating your pussy so good right now Hoseok doesn’t eat you this good huh?”  

Namjoon crosses the room placing himself next to your figure, reaching over you turning on the lamp on your nightstand. The light blinding you, as your eyes settle you notice both males shirtless. The familiar blonde hair between your legs as you can feel your climax growing rapidly, “Pl-please stop I don’t w-want th-I-is" I beg as Yoongi inserts 2 digits into my core. He finds my g-spot embarrassingly quick. You’d hate to admit that he REALLY knew what he was doing, Hoseok was right when he said I couldn’t handle him and Namjoon. Yoongi was only eating me out and my body reacted with overwhelming pleasure though my head and heart screamed out for this to stop. I couldn’t stop the releasing of my fluids over Yoongi’s tongue.  

“F-fuuckk you came! You love me don’t you baby you love what I do to you huh? Kitten, I love you so much it could be like that every day if you just stop fighting it” He smiles his figure hovering over you as he connects your lips, in your post orgasmic haze your lips move in sync with his. “tsk” Namjoon groans after a few minutes of you and yoongi making out “Don't hog her Yoongi I swear you only ever play with someone else and yet you don’t involve the other person often” Namjoon shoves yoongi to the side, grasping your wrist forcing you to straddle his waist. Gliding your soaked pussy over his hard member.

As he lowers your naked core over his hips you notice he’s naked. Terrified your eyes flash to the door only to spot Yoongi, who has now recovered from his shove and has placed himself between smug look on his face gun in hand pointing at you. Namjoon reaches toward Yoongi, who passes over the weapon to the leader.

 Namjoon bringing the firearm between your lips as he slides himself into you. Tears streaming down your face as he commands you to suck on the muzzle. His thrust rapid and forceful under you. “Take this fucking cock slut, Hoseok is fucking selfish keeping this amazing pussy to himself; I swear he doesn’t treat you right you need us baby” He groans hips stuttering “Y-yoongi g-grab-” He moans handing over the gun your eyes returning to the blonde you forgot was behind you, hand now stroking his member.  

A smirk still on his face eyes focused on where your and Namjoon's body connected. He steps forward spitting into his hand. He lines himself up at your entrance as well and slowly slides himself in. The feeling of two large lengths inside of you is enough to make you feel like you're being ripped apart. Your body shaking with the overwhelming feeling tears streaming down your face as you sob harshly. Yoongi’s hand grasps your hair, gun placed against the back of your head as he and Namjoon's roughly thrust themselves inside of you.  

“Fucking take it you little slut cum all over our cocks again” Yoongi groans out hand releasing your hair to only smack your ass until it was red and bruised. Namjoon left a groaning mess below you as Yoongi takes over the pace hips stuttering before you feel a large amount of warmth inside you. Yoongi slowly pulling out and some of his seed following behind his cock. Namjoon softly flips you over before pulling himself out. Both of the men get dressed and look back and forth between one another before Namjoon escapes into your closet and Yoongi gets you dressed again.  

He presses his lips against your own as he caresses your cheek.  “Come on baby lets go” He states softly. “Where are we going?” You ask terrified. His eyes grow dark as you both hear your closet door being closed. A smile forming on his face as you both observe Namjoon with a suitcase seemingly full, gaze stuck on you.  

“You’re coming home baby” He says aiming the gun at you turning the safety off “whether you want to or not”  

[angelinthefire]

Hi <3 I'm researching biblically accurate angel trueform for my WIP. I have to say, it's been some months since i read your All my secret wishes series and i am still stunned and in awe today by the way you've managed to describe the abstract and the metaphysical aspect of heaven/angels. It really stuck with me.

You read like someone who knows a lot about the subject, so i was wondering (if i recall correctly 🙈) why did you choose to represent Cas more like an Ophanim, when he's a Seraph? I haven't read many fics with Cas' trueform but the few ones I've stumbled across depicted him (kind of) like that too (rings full of eyes gravitating around one big eye, as opposed to the Seraphs' description of basically 3 sets of wings and nothing more).

Have a good day/night 😊💖

Hi! I don't actually know much about the subject, I just grew up Eastern Rite Catholic and absorbed a little bit about angels through osmosis. Like, Anna is kinda based on the icons of Seraphim that were in the church I went to. And Naomi is based on the angel character that was in A Wind In The Door (the sequel to A Wrinkle In Time).

Cas is based on stuff that I vaguely remember from reading the Bible, like, 20 years ago, and just elements from my favourite fan depictions of his true form.

The decisions I made about the angel depictions were entirely secondary to what I wanted to do with them in the story. I wanted all three of them to be physically distinct from each other. And all of them had to be capable of fighting, so none of them could be *just* wings, or *just* wheels. Naomi has claws specifically for the comparison to medical instruments; Anna has swords to give her an "avenging angel"/justice vibe. So Cas' method of fighting had to be something different, hence the animal heads. I also wanted him to have several different components so that there could be multiple ways that he was permanently injured - blinded, scarred, etc. And I just really like the imagery of Cas having a wheel that wobbles and clunks as it turns, in addition to everything else wrong with him, I feel like it completes the picture. That's why he has wheels/rings too.

idk how helpful that is, but that's how I went about it.

[stuckylibrary]

Group Ask 184

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Please send us an ask stating which group ask and which person you are replying to. Thank you so much in advance!

arosetintedem said:

I NEED HELP! I'm looking for a fic and you guys are the best at finding them. So it is a fic where bucky is like put in stark tower i think post -tws. at one point he is in the shower and JARVIS refuses to make the temp too high. He also comunicates that hydra is in SHIELD by using morse code! If you know it lmk!

Anon 1 said:

hi! I’m looking for a fic where Steve is Becca’s roommate and is Bucky’s sex friend, it’s ABO, and Steve is bottom and they go to a link party, Bucky calls Steve kitten and then Steve gets pregnant and beg Bucky to call their kid James ? Steve is diabetic and Bucky is really protective of him because of that. I really can’t find it anymore it’s annoying, thank you c:

Anon 2 said:

Hi, I for the life of me can not remember the name of a fic. It is super similar to Yours to Keep by nonsensicalbelle. The team is captured somewhere and separated from Steve and forced to watch as Steve reveals fears/secrets something along that line until he is then forced to admit he is in love with Bucky. Hopefully this ask is coherent enough. Thanks for any help in advance.

Anon sent in Always Afraid, Always Ashamed* by CaptainDean13 (complete | 11,052 | E) *graphic violence

Anon 3 said:

Hi I'm looking for a fic where Natasha and Tony are listening to a phone conv between Steve and Bucky flirting, then it becomes sexual and Bucky reveals he knew they were listening all along? Also Tony was surprised that steve got into it so easily and I think nat was kinda turned on? Thanks so much!

gayghostkid said:

hey!! i’m looking for a post-WS recovery fic. steve brings bucky in w/ the help of sam and nat. they end up in a safe house of sorts. details i remember: sam hoses bucky down to get him clean. steve and sam are shocked that he actually liked the feeling, describing how blissful he looks. i remember the end few chapters has the quartet living in a firehouse in texas, or another southern state. the chapter titles were similar to maslow’s hierarchy of needs : shelter, food, water, etc. merci!!

shadowobsidian said:

Hello! I'm looking for a fic that I read forever and a half ago. It's a post -winter soldier Stucky story with Bucky coming back to the tower, but still PTSD-y, and unable to really eat because he keeps throwing up and Bruce keeps trying to make him nutrition shakes and smoothies but they don't really help, and then they realize that it's all the chemicals in processed food so the whole tower goes organic and Tony buys a farm. Please help me!

Anon and drjezdzany sent in Thawed Out* by auburnnothenna (auburn), eretria (complete | 159,341 | E) *chose not to warn

Anon 4 said:

I'm looking for this fic where skinny Steve somehow ended up with the winter soldier and post serum Steve is with 1930s Bucky I think time traveling was involved? They were gonna go back to their correct timeline but feelings got involved so they stayed in the wrong time this is badly explained sorry

Anon 5 said:

You know the fic where is centered around the barnes family rebecca was a lesbian and married a gay guy to cover it up Bucky got into college but dropped out because Steve got sick

Anon sent in The History of a Family by boombangbing (complete | 225,954 | M)

slutforchrisevans said:

Hi! I’ve been trying to find this fic for the longest time and I can’t. I don’t remember much of it but it’s pre-serum Steve and before the war. Bucky comes home and he’s super horny because he took some medicine that’s supposed to give you energy i think? Steve is reluctant to do stuff though because bucky isn’t really in the right mind, but he’s not drunk it’s just the medicine. Sorry that was so vague but it’s literally all I remember :((

Anon sent in Up All Night by triedunture (oneshot | 3,598 | M)

idk-idc-idk said:

Hi! I’m looking for a modern AU I read. Steve is still captain america, and (I can’t remember if it’s hydra or shield) heavily controls his life. Bucky is secretly a modern winter soldier, and is sent to do surveillance on Steve. They meet at a boring gala, and Bucky decides to seduce Steve to get an upper hand. Bucky sees how much Steve’s life is controlled and it’s like Steve isn’t even his own person, like they want to bore him into obeying them. Steve switches sides but they come after him

deliveryisdelayed and stevenbirogers sent in Lessons in Normality by relenafanel (complete | 38,002 | E)

Anon 6 said:

Hello! I'm looking for a fic that featured Steve adjusting to the modern world's ideas about gender and sexuality, and him basically rejecting those ideas to be what people today would call genderqueer. I basically remember him wearing skirts and makeup, and it seemed to be heavily influenced by Gay New York by Chauncey.

Anon 7 said:

Hi!! There's this one fic where Bucky's this big mobster guy and Steve's in a gang and is always watching Bucky at this club. They meet up at this hotel and it has like a dom!bucky but top!steve. Thank you!

Anon 8 said:

Hi do you know of a fic where Natasha hires Steve to be an escort for Bucky at his family Christmas get together? I remember Nat was Bucky’s ex and Bucky’s cousin/relative was really homophobic. There was also a scene where Steve was shooting at beer cans and the cousin was impressed. Bucky and Steve ended up getting engaged like a year after. Thanks :)

Anon 9 said:

I read something a while back that I can’t find for the LIFE of me and I was wondering if you could help. Steve gets the serum and it shoots his libido through the roof and it he’s really out of hand and he needs shots and stuff to make his erection go away and bucky is a good friend and helps him out (I think, honestly I can’t remember a lot of details, it’s been a minute since I’ve read it) if you’d help I’d really appreciate it! Thank you!! Have a great day :)

Anon sent in you know I’d quench that thirst* by napricot (complete | 38,027 | E) */others

emilyshay said:

hi hi! i'm looking for a fic that i've read and i CANNOT put my finger on what it is. It has all these elements: - fury wants steve to pick some kind of companion, maybe a submissive of some sort, because he's been going rogue on missions and steve picks bucky out of a lineup because he looks "the worst" and would piss fury off - bucky is really down in he dumps and all he has to his name is his electric can opener  - bucky goes to some sort of intake interview thing, and he steals a lot of food from a buffet until someoen pities him and gives him a bag of food to take home - bucky is in steve's quarters right when he starts "working for" him and cooking for him and stuff, and steve completely ignores him and rejects him and bucky is really upset about it event hough he didn't want to be there - the payment for "working for" steve is getting a full ride to college and also a ton of cash. thank you!!!!

deliveryisdelayed and drjezdzany sent in Heart of Fools* by Claudia_flies (complete | 55,824 | E) *chose not to warn

[like-rain-or-confetti]

Okay finished episode one of Tell Me Why and I am shook and I love it. Now onto updates.

If you want to where my mind is on the blog then keep reading. If not, have a good day. I plan to answer questions after this post.

SO,

MH Update

As many of you probably have figured out, my mental health has been declining and pretty low for months now. I don't want to dampen anyone's mood or the vibe of the blog but I think I should put it out there seeing as I get asks from many of you wonderful humans asking how I am. I apologise for any vague responses. I don't really talk about my feelings and have gotten very good at avoiding it. However I am unable to hide it.😅 My life hasnt went how I...expect or hoped. I didn't have a plan but I certainly didn't see this coming. I'm trying to adjust and need a little help along the way.

You know what, since I'm here I might as well share some honesty. Perhaps it'll help others who think the same. I think we've all felt a little alone atleast once this past year.

Long time supporters of this blog will know that I had quite good management of my mental illnesses and unfortunately Covid and all these lockdowns have had an impact bringing other diagnosis' to light that wasn't picked up by professionals. Since the beginning of Covid I have since lost all of these management strategies but I won't bore you with my life.

I know I'm very fortunate in various aspects of my life. I do not take these things for granted when they have went well for me.

So I don't want anyone to think I'm being selfish and only thinking about myself and how Covid has affected me etc. Everyone is struggling but at the same time, I don't think it's healthy for myself or anyone to reject their feelings on this matter. Everyone will be impacted differently from this and this is how I've been impacted.

My mood day to day hasn't been very good as we've seen for a while now and my mood can change quite quickly as it stands. I'm sensitive, what can I say?

Regardless, I hope you know how much I appreciate you all and the time anyone takes to check in with me. I will be okay and get through this. It will take time and perhaps my life won't be what I hoped it would be but that's life right? It'll take some time to recover but I think you guys are more patient about that than I am. 😂 So just know if I'm feeling like crap, I'm safe and I have a good support group of people who love, care for me and understand at the end of the day that I try everyday.

Now that we've got crappy me out of the way, onto the good stuff.

Questions

So I'm still answering questions as we know ☺️ I'm taking my time with them since I get tired quicker and easily at the moment. This makes it more draining to write and answer questions with as much oomph as usual. If I haven't answered your question, it's likely that I found it very chunky and haven't found the energy for it. I will answer it but some require more brain power and effort than others. I hope everyone understands. ❤️

Writing

Yes, I still do that 🤭. I know the requests haven't been open in a while and can assure you guys that will change some time in the future as I have around four left all together. Maybe three. Could be three. They're all pretty lengthy but I have been working on them. However, as I said before, it's becoming more difficult to finish as my mental health has declined and it takes a while for me to really figure out where each fic is going or the gaps from A to B. Thank you all for being patient with me. I have the requests all in the drafts waiting to be finished but I'm kinda stuck with them all. It's pretty frustrating as I've been wanting to finish them for you guys.

Updating the Blog

So, Vanity, you big dumb dumb. What's started this thought?

Well simply, my struggle with writing and mental health. The way I see it, I have two options. 1) continue to force out content and hope i'll just find the energy one day magically. OR 2) I can relax a little and let the content come when it comes to me and guarantee better quality.

So I want to hear your thoughts on the matter. Since I've gotten my new PC, I've tried to relax a little more with the blog and focus on other stuff to really give myself a chance to recharge for writing and find my passion for it again rather than feeling I have to do it or I'm letting people down.

Am I saying I'm taking a break? No.

However I am saying I'm considering not having the blog as a constant priority and enjoy it as a hobby rather than full time job that doesn't end at 9 until 5. Ive always said writing should be fun but right now with my own issues, I don't have enjoyment in a lot of things at the moment so wouldn't it be more stressful and worse on myself if I try to force it?

ALSO the less doom and gloom part.

People may know that this blog is a secret to people in my real life. With a laptop it was easier to hide, with a desktop, not so much. So when I get to editing. It may be on specific days and times that I won't be bothered on. I won't say a schedule because I can't promise that.

I think that's everything. Let me know what you guys are thinking about this. In the meantime, I'm off to see if I can answer questions 😂❤️

[hskrealm]

memories. (m)

pairing: min yoongi x reader

genre: angst, smut, a liiittle bit of fluff in some places

word count: 6.2k (it wasn’t supposed to be this LONG IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A DRABBLE)

 warnings: eh where do i start... reader is VERY traumatized, she’s kinda crazy too (just a little) mentions of major character death, familial issues, this fic is just very dark for like the first 2k words lol, yoongi loves his fucking sword, commoner!yoongi, king!yoongi, criminal!reader, exhibitionism, unprotected sex, hair pulling, dom!yoongi, etc.

summary: “We can save the details for later. I accept your apology, and I really want to fucking kiss you.”

notes: inspired by @dontaskshhhhh and the daechwita mv. there’s probably many typos as usual y’all—

Even though you were a lowlife, you couldn’t stand being handled roughly.

It wasn’t your fault that you had an unfortunate upbringing. Your parents were very wealthy when you were born, but after the family business failed due to illegal scamming and falsifying of information, you were left to support yourself.

Literally. They didn’t give you a single thing to live off of after the age of five, which was fine. Your grandparents took after you, and once you were able to have a say in it, you decided to never set foot in the presence of your mother and father again if you could help it.

All was fine up for the next twelve years after that, until your grandparents bailed out on you too. Something about not having the funds to support all three of you financially, although they had several beach houses to their names, and enormous retirement checks to rely on.

You had gotten used to being given up on by this point, so you weren’t as emotionally devastated as you should’ve been when you’d come home from school one day, and your grandparents had all of your belongings packed up by the front door with a nice little note on top to let you know that you’d have to find somewhere else to lay your head.

They didn’t even have the decency to tell you to fuck off in person. You laugh sometimes thinking about it, since that’s all you could do now. The past was behind you, and you can’t change it. You didn’t really want to, either, because you learned quite a bit from your younger self.

For starters, you learned from your previous encounters to never lay your trust in anyone ever again, even if they were to offer you everything you needed and more. You’d made this mistake too many times to make it again. Besides, if you couldn’t trust your own parents, then you’d be setting yourself up for failure if you decided to seek assurance in a stranger... no matter the relationship you may have developed with them.

Although you knew you couldn’t trust anyone, you quickly learned that it was okay to take advantage of help when it was given to you.

That is how you got back on your feet, after all.

You met a good group of people.

Well, good to you, but not to the law, or outsiders.

You didn’t trust them, but you allowed them to take you in. They were just like you; lost and traumatized, but they confided in one another. They didn’t really have a choice, since they only had each other.

You had an amazing run with them. They made you laugh, cry, and they supported you. Just like family, you supposed. You never had a stable family to compare the kind of love they gave you to, but you figured it’d be something similar.

You never had an abundance of anything, but you had just enough, and that was okay. You were never the type of girl who desired to live lavishly anyway.

It was remarkably easy for you to pick up on their habits. You had become keen on cheating, lying, and stealing after only two months of being in their company. It came easily to you, and you used your newly developed skills to wiggle your way in and out of certain situations.

You couldn’t wiggle your way out of this one, though. The cuffs on your wrists wouldn’t allow for that.

You sucked in a breath as you were thrown to the ground, your knees scraping against the material of your jeans as you made impact.

“Be any fucking rougher, could you?” You hissed toward the guard over your shoulder, although you wiggled your fingers nervously behind your back.

He smirked at you, stifling a laugh as he carried his muscular frame toward the large double doors that you were forced through moments prior to being manhandled toward the ground.

“Enjoy your last few moments of life, honey.” He spit, his face falling expressionless afterward as he allowed the doors to slam shut behind himself, leaving you to your thoughts. You couldn’t see his face, but you were certain that he was sporting a shit eating grin. If you could, you’d slap it off of his face.

You couldn’t see a thing in the room that you were in, and you began to grow anxious as the anticipation began to eat away at you, your heartbeat thudding loudly in your chest.

You pulled your bottom lip between your teeth and held back a loud cry, your eyes watering as the realization finally settled upon you. You couldn’t keep up your tough girl exterior anymore, and you were going to die in this pitch black room at any moment.

What if this was part of the execution? What if the room was this dark purposefully? To add to the shock factor? That would be sure get someone shaken up, knowing they could be taken out by a gunshot, a quick slice of a sword, something hanging from the ceiling—

You paused, sniffing the tears away quickly. You knew your eyes would get puffy if you cried for any more than a few seconds, and you wanted to be remembered for being strong, not a wimp. News would spread quickly after your death, and you knew it would. It always did.

You evaluated your position for a moment. You were crying because you were afraid of death.

Seriously, you were afraid of something that was inevitable?

You choked back a laugh, a small smile cracking on your face before you burst out into a full on fit of giggles.

You wouldn’t be tortured to death, and you knew that for sure. That sort of punishment was only allowed for sexual crimes, acts of severe hatred, domestic abuse, or murder.

You���d be killed quickly, and you were crying because of that? You’d have lost all of your street credit if word got back to your little gang.

You looked like a lunatic. Knees pressed into the ground, hands behind your back, and laughing wildly as strands of your hair flew onto your face from the occasional draft that would flow through the room.

You knew it, too, but you picked up this tip from a certain black haired boy with a scar over his eye. He used to be involved with your group of criminals.

He told you to laugh in any situation where you were put under extreme pressure. You told him that he was crazy for giving you such shitty advice, but once you tried it after being taken into custody for the first crime, you realized that he may have given you some valuable information.

“You’ll either relax a bit and take some of the stress off, or they’ll think you’re crazy and let you go. Win win, right?”

You smiled as your laughter began to die out.

You’d always remember Yoongi, but he was dead to you now.

He was the only person in that group that you connected with. Still, you didn’t trust him, but you could rely on him to help you every now and then if you needed to.

He left without a word, something about wanting to better himself. He’d mentioned that a few times before he actually left, but you didn’t think he’d follow through.

That was the first time that you’d been physically hurt when someone important to you left.

You didn’t speak for a few weeks, laugh for months, or manage to take care of yourself properly for quite some time.

He was so important to you, and he knew it. He didn’t care though, because he still left. Why did you care then?

You didn’t.

You wouldn’t have to care about anything in a few more minutes.

You rolled your neck from side to side, shaking yourself free from any final thoughts as you waited patiently for your execution.

You considered begging for your life, but there was no reason to. You didn’t have anything to lose anymore.

You sat quietly for another minute or so.

Every muscle inside of your body tensed at the sound of leisurely paced footsteps striking against the ground. You felt like you were going to explode, but you managed to keep yourself together.

“Lift your head.”

You immediately obeyed the request, fearful that you’d be tortured immensely if you hadn’t.

You took a deep breath, stopping midway through it as you felt the cool metal of a sword press right under your chin.

The panic began to settle in again, and you began to fidget around like a fish out of water as the sword grazed the skin of your neck.

“Luckily for you, ________, stealing isn’t punishable by execution.” Your eyes ballooned out of your skull, and your mouth dried instantly as you fell into a coughing fit.

“You’d better hold your breath if you want to keep your life.” The person with the sword against your windpipe teased, and you shrieked in terror and disbelief as you confirmed that the voice belonged to who you thought was the rightful owner.

“YOONGI!” You screamed so loudly that your voice bounced off of the walls in the room and echoed back, possibly louder than the scream itself.

You weren’t sure if you screamed because he was the one threatening you with a weapon, or that there was still a very large sword pressed to your jugular even though he just said that stealing isn’t punishable by execution.

How would he know that, anyway?

The room began to lighten up at the same time the sword did against your neck. You were vaguely able to make out Yoongi’s figure in front of you.

You winced slightly as the lights brightened fully, and you came face to face with the sack of ass that left you to suffer years ago.

You checked your surroundings immediately afterward, confused to find that you were in the aisle of what you knew to be a temple.

Was this a fucking joke?

You weren’t sure of what to say. You had questions, obviously, but you also wanted to scream at him for being an asshat and playing such a dumb prank on you.

How are you supposed to start a conversation with someone that you hadn’t talked to in years, though?

Yoongi could read your confusion, a sadistic smile on his face as he walked toward you as if he had achieved something great.

He leaned down in front of you, a few pieces of his blonde hair brushing against your forehead. You thrashed around in the cuffs as he placed a light peck to your forehead, just as he did when the two of you were on good terms.

“Get the fuck off of me.” You threatened, and he hummed at your attitude.

“Still as gorgeous as ever, ________.” You bit down on the insides of your cheeks as he angled himself away from you.

He was as gorgeous as ever himself, the scar still perfectly etched into his skin as if it’d never heal, his face a bit more mature since the last time you saw him, and his hair a bright blonde instead of the shiny black it was a few years back.

You hated him.

“I hate you.” You voiced your thoughts, and Yoongi simply shrugged while taking a few steps backwards, maintaining his eye contact with you.

“You wouldn’t hate me if you knew what I’ve done for you.” He responded simply, his chocolate colored eyes squinted in distaste as he turned around on his heels, walking cooly to a chair that would’ve resembled a King’s throne.

It actually was a throne, but you didn’t understand why he was sitting on it. Min Yoongi was certainly no King. He was a rude and inconsiderate excuse of a friend.

Er, acquaintance, rather. You never really had friends, and you’d like to keep it that way.

“What are you talking about?” You asked, nose turned up in skepticism. Yoongi smiled a bit, licking his lips as he reminisced upon the events that happened a bit earlier today.

He saw you being dragged into the temple by one of his guards, struggling to keep your footsteps aligned due to the inability to control the pace of your walking.

He watched as the doors of the temple swung open and you were thrown to the ground harshly. He was hidden in the shadows as he observed the scene, immediately knowing that feisty voice of yours like the sword that he carried with him daily.

It was one of the things he loved most about you. After all, he was the one that practically made that part of you, and he didn’t regret it one bit.

It pained him to know that you were brought to him under terms of execution, but he assumed this would be the way you’d turn out if you continued to involve yourself with that group of people. That’s why he left you on your own.

Plus, the road to becoming King didn’t require the help of anyone else, and it certainly didn’t require yours. This was a task that he needed to complete on his own, and now that he had, his goal was simply to remain in power.

That’d be easy. People feared tyrants.

Yoongi was no tyrant, but he had tyrannical tendencies, one of them being participating in the execution of prisoners. Now, it was strictly prohibited for a King to execute a commoner, but he didn’t mind. Plus, he did sit back and watch most times as he was supposed to, so what was the harm?

He was the highest form of authority there was anyway, so who’d complain to him about what he could and couldn’t do?

He battled with himself to figure out a proper way to ease you out of this. He couldn’t outright call the execution off, and he knew that. No one would fear a King who spared the life of some measly village girl, and Yoongi craved the fear of his people.

Perhaps he could drag you elsewhere once the guard left. If he was to be questioned about it, he could mention something about needing to speak to you privately before your execution.

No, that’s dumb. Who’d believe that?

Maybe he could wait just until your execution was to take place, and halt it, saying that you were wrongly convicted of your crimes?

He couldn’t do that either. You’d been caught stealing multiple times before, and your criminal record was long enough to prove that you were the right person sentenced to death.

So, Yoongi lost about half of his dignity when he marched right up to the guard that dragged you inside, and asked him to let you be.

Of course, the guard agreed, but Yoongi’s ego had faltered momentarily.

He gained all of that dignity back, though, when he heard you scream his name while kneeling with your hands cuffed behind your back.

What a sight to see.

Yoongi glanced back down at you from his throne, a cocky smile on his face as he shifted his position in the gigantic chair, turning his body slightly sideways as he threw his legs over the side of it.

“Nothing, so I guess you’re right. I haven’t done a thing to help you.” He shrugged, bending over onto the ground to grab his scabbard. He slid the sword into it with practiced ease and dropped it to the ground.

The sound of the weapon scraping against the sides of the holder caused you to cringe, and you jumped as the sound of it hitting the floor bounced off of the walls a few times, just as your scream did earlier.

You gulped at the thought, wondering if he really would have killed you if he had gotten the chance.

“What’s your deal with them anyway?” Yoongi questioned after a few moments of thick silence. Your head snapped up to meet his eyes the moment he began to speak.

“I don’t have to answer anything you ask me, and it’s none of your business.” You responded, and Yoongi quirked an eyebrow.

“I would’ve assumed that you’d catch on a little earlier. You have always been a smart girl, but I suppose all of the thieving and lying caught up with you after a few years.” You said nothing, suddenly feeling overwhelming guilt.

“You do have to answer everything I ask you, actually. I can’t kill you for stealing, but I can kill you for treason.” You scoffed. There he was, playing the royalty card again.

“Treason? Yoongi, give it up. You can’t be executed for treason toward a commoner. Have you lost your mind?” He narrowed his eyes at you and stood up, taking the short walk toward you again.

“You are a commoner, ________. I am not.” You were tired of his dumb breakdowns.

“What are you supposed to be then?” You smirked, and Yoongi returned the smirk with a lick of his lips.

You watched with furrowed eyebrows as he shrugged the thick black jacket he was wearing off of his slim shoulders, and you inhaled a shaky breath as you vaguely made out the emblem of the kingdom on both of his shoulders in the dim lighting of the temple.

“Oh my fucking God.” Your voice cracked as you whispered, your bottom lip trembling in defeat as you realized your humongous fuck up.

You slowly lifted your head, immediately meeting Yoongi’s eye contact. He jutted his bottom lip out to mock you, before quickly twisting his lips into a sly smile.

“You know what to do.” You nodded, lowering your upper body to the ground slowly.

You weren’t low enough to the ground for his liking, so he grabbed his sword and retrieved it from its covering, and pressed the dull side of it against the back of your head to force you lower. Your forehead was touching the ground.

“Better.” He sighed, holding you there for a few seconds before placing the sword back at his side. When you no longer felt the pressure of it on your head, you deemed it okay to lift yourself up.

Your mind was pooling with questions.

“Penny for your thoughts?” He joked, placing the sword in front of him as he stacked both of his hands onto its handle.

“How?” You asked weakly, and he feigned confusion.

“How are you King? You can’t be King with that scar over your eye.” You wanted to find any plausible fault to the idea that he was King.

“Why can’t I?” He asked with a cock of his head. The question was meant to be unanswered, but you stupidly responded anyway.

“The scar symbolizes impuriti—“

“Then I must be pretty powerful, hm?” He laughed, swinging the sword off of the ground to rest on top of his shoulder. He gave you a pity glance as he took a few steps to land himself behind you.

“I’m not going to put you in prison.” He sighed heavily, as if the admittance of him allowing you freedom hurt his conscious dearly.

“Why not?” You asked eagerly, trying desperately not to show how excited you were as your fingers twitched behind your back.

“I’m not going to imprison you, but I need you to make me a promise.” He said, removing the sword from his shoulder as he slid it in the space between your back and the chain of the handcuffs.

You stood deathly still.

“Anything.” You responded instantaneously. You’d regret it later.

Or maybe you wouldn’t.

“Don’t let me see your face around here again.” What?

Around the temple? In the village? Where were you supposed to go?

“I—“ He placed his foot against your lower back, digging his shoe into your skin through the fabric as he tugged the sword forcefully toward himself, successfully breaking the chain of the cuffs and sending it flying backward.

You moaned at the feeling, bringing your wrists in front of you as you twisted each of them around a few times to rid yourself of any stiff muscles.

“Get out.”

•••

“You called me back here?” You sighed, leaning your head against the opened doors as Yoongi hummed with a small nod.

“Yes, I did. Come in, and close the doors behind you.” You raised an eyebrow, although you shut the temple doors and walked down the aisle that would lead you to Yoongi’s throne.

He stood up from his royal seat, walking halfway down the aisle to meet you. You took the time to notice his appearance. He was dressed just like he was when you saw him a few years ago before he completely vanished. Baggy clothes, low rise sneakers, and a few chains dangling from his neck.

You held an unimpressed expression as you stood face to face with him, but seeing him dressed like this gave you a small bit of satisfaction. Of course, you wouldn’t tell him that though.

Unknown to you, Yoongi chose to dress like this to keep you comfortable with him. He needed you to be a bit vulnerable if you are going to hear him out, and he knew this would be one step closer to achieving that vulnerability.

Plus, he was taking you out today. Yes, to explain everything that’s happened during the past couple of years while he wasn’t around, but also for his personal satisfaction.

He missed you just as much as you missed him.

“We’re going to that little spot a few minutes away from here. The one we always used to—“

“I know, Yoongi. I really don’t want to bring up the past anymore.” You stopped him, holding your hand up as you cut him off in the middle of his sentence. You didn’t mean to come off so harshly, but the years of emotional trauma didn’t make that easy for you.

Yoongi nodded once, although he felt a little pang in his chest in you basically admitting that you didn’t want to go to the special place the two of you created a few years back, and you probably didn’t even want to be with him right now.

“Sure, okay.” He sighed, clearing his throat as he walked toward a hidden back entrance that he used at times to leave the temple.

You watched as he took his first few steps, before turning over his shoulder to stare at you with annoyance written all over his features.

“Are you going to follow me, or are you just going to stand there and look stupid?” You rolled your eyes and began to follow after him, Yoongi turning back toward the front once you caught up with him.

He continued to walk, and you desperately tried to fight the smile that was tugging at your lips as bits and pieces of the Yoongi you knew were starting to shine through.

•••

The walk to the secluded spot by that small river that you remember so fondly was uncomfortable and stuffy.

Neither of you said a word, simply letting the leaves crunching under the both of your shoes fill the silence.

The sun was beginning to set, and the rays cast a beautiful shadow over the river. It looked just as it did the last time you were here.

That day… that day was the happiest you’d been in years.

That was also the day Yoongi got his scar.

“Where the fuck did you go?” Yoongi asked, laughing loudly as he stumbled over a few branches while searching for you behind the trees and shrubs near the river.

“I’m never playing hide and seek with you again. You’re an asshole for this.” You chuckled, immediately clasping your hand over your mouth as you hoped desperately that he hadn’t heard.

But, it was Yoongi. Of course he’d heard.

“Your cute little laugh is going to get you in trouble.” You ducked lower behind the shrub in front of you, peering out over the edge to see if you could see his shadow approaching.

You furrowed your eyebrows in confusion when you couldn’t see him anymore, squinting and leaning forward a bit to see if your eyes were playing tricks on you.

Yoongi snuck up behind you, cursing under his breath when you snapped your head in his direction.

You hadn’t fully processed that it was Yoongi when he finally came into view and attempted to scare you, so you pushed him backward roughly. This sent him tumbling over a rock, and his face smashed against the forest floor.

“Oh my God!” You screamed, running over to him, your black combat boots seeming to be too heavy at that moment.

He was breathing heavily and holding one side of his face, and when you rolled him onto his back, the sight of the blood creeping between his fingers was enough to make you pull him up to his feet, and you dragged him all the way back to the village within a handful of minutes.

You had ripped off a piece of your oversized shirt and wrapped it over his eyes sometime during this process.

The two of you were spotted by a group of people as you neared the village again, and they helped you pull Yoongi to the home of a medic who would sew his skin together.

He had the stitches for two months, and even after they removed, he still had the scar.

You felt terrible, but you never got the chance to apologize.

He left the day after his stitches were removed.

“________.”

You gnawed on your bottom lip.

“________!” Yoongi shouted, and you came to with a small jolt.

“I’m sorry.” The words tumbled from your lips effortlessly, and it felt so, so good after all these years.

You walked quickly to meet Yoongi as he sat near the edge of the river, the wind blowing lightly which made his hair a disheveled mess.

“I’m so sorry, Yoongi.” You repeated, clearly this time as you sat down next to him, keeping a few feet between the two of you because you weren’t sure where your emotions were at the moment, and you certainly weren’t sure what he was feeling.

There was an awkward silence.

“What?” He laughed, the confusion evident on his face.

“What are you talking about?” You scratched nervously at your arm as he scooted a bit closer to you.

A part of you wanted to condemn him, but a larger part of you wanted him to stay right next to you.

“I’m really sorry about the scar. You left before I could apologize, and it’s been making me feel so guilty for the past couple of years, but—“ Yoongi shook his head, taking your hand into his as he intertwined your fingers with his, just like he used to back then.

You let your hand flop loosely in his.

“Isn’t it a little obvious that I don’t mind it? If anything, I’m happy that you fucked my face up.” He joked, his gummy smile slowly fading as he looked from the river to your paling face.

“Why’d you leave?” You asked, the light mood falling. Yoongi took a deep breath, and let it out slowly. He knew he couldn’t avoid this question, but he hoped that you’d at least wait a bit before bringing up this topic.

“I told you, I need to better myself.” You let go of his hand.

“Bullshit!” You exclaimed, Yoongi simply turning his head to look at you as your face began to heat in anger.

“It had something to do with me, and I know it does. Why lie now? Why bring me to this special spot to lie, Yoongi?” He took a small gulp, looking away from you and out toward the landscape. He couldn’t utter these next few words while staring at your face.

“I wouldn’t have become King if I was in love with a criminal.” He stated nonchalantly. You froze.

“What the hell are you talking about?” You stood up, and Yoongi stood up as well, just in case you were planning to run away and get yourself into trouble as you usually did when you couldn’t handle your emotions.

“I had to let you go if I wanted to change, ________. You’re not good for me, and I’m not good for you.” His voice began to thin out the longer he spoke, fighting back a sob.

“Are you trying to say that I’m a bad influence?” You couldn’t believe what you were hearing.

“Are you seriously trying to say that I am not good for you , when you’re the person that I got into the most trouble with in that entire fucking group?” You shook your head as you spoke, refusing to believe that he was saying you weren’t good for him.

“Why don’t you tell me the real reason that you left, hm? I can handle the truth, and I deserve to know after waiting for so long. Believe me, you won’t have to worry about seeing me again after this.” Yoongi was seething, his hands clenched into fists by his sides as he tried to steady his breathing.

He wasn’t going to get angry.

He was going to explain himself to you calmly.

“Did you not just hear me fucking say that I’m in love with you?” His voice dropped to a whisper, as he began to take slow strides toward you.

You’d seemed to have forgotten that in the midst of your yelling at him.

“I taught you a handful of things back then, but I’m fairly sure that knowing when to shut up was one of them.” You looked over your shoulder as you took a step backward whenever he took one forward, but if you continued like this then you’d end up with your back against a tree.

This was not some cliche love story, and you weren’t the main character.

You stepped to the side to avoid bumping into the tree.

Yoongi took a side step as well, standing still for a few seconds before he grabbed you by the collar of your shirt and pressed you up against the tree by his arm.

“You were going to hinder me from my goal, ________. There’s no way in hell I’d be able to focus while having you by my side.” His grip on you loosened as he continued to speak.

“I thought if I was away from you that I’d forget about everything, but that made it worse. There wasn’t a single day that came where you wouldn’t pass my mind.” You pressed your head backwards against the tree in exasperation.

“Why couldn’t you take me with you?” You asked, sadness evident in your voice. Yoongi’s heart clenched as he read you like his favorite book.

“I wanted you to be there for the result, not the work that it took to get there. I’d come back for you when I was better off, but I didn’t have to. You came to me.” Yoongi leaned in closer toward you.

“Well, you didn’t come to me, per say. I brought you to me.” You scoffed.

“You did what?” Dealing with him was an emotional roller coaster, but you still wanted the first seat on the ride.

“We can save the details for later. I accept your apology, and I really want to fucking kiss you.” You opened your mouth to respond, but Yoongi leaned in for this kiss anyway.

He molded his soft lips against yours with ease. You awkwardly left your eyes open, but upon seeing him with his closed as the passion radiated in the way he kissed you, you closed your eyes and allowed yourself to slip into his embrace.

He wrapped his arms around your waist, the kiss quickly shifting from pure and energetic love to uncontrollable and messy lust for one another.

Yoongi broke the kiss first, and you chased his lips as he pulled away. You whimpered in defeat as he used his grip on your waist to turn you around, your hands pressed against the bark of the tree.

He roughly tugged your jeans down your legs, not having the patience to unbutton them fully. You flinched as you heard a twig snap somewhere in the distance, and you looked over your shoulder at Yoongi with fear etched onto your features.

“We’re going to get fucking caught.” You laughed, although you were deathly afraid of being found with the King’s dick buried snuggly inside of your pulsing cunt.

“I’m a King, baby. I’m the boss. I don’t give a fuck about someone stumbling back here.” He spoke, while working quickly at the zipper of his jeans.

“Besides, I’ll be quick.” He moaned out in satisfaction as he finally freed his cock from its confines. He tugged your panties to the side with one of his fingers, slapping his length against your throbbing clit a handful of times before lining himself up with your inviting warmth.

“Kind of difficult—oh shit,” He paused in the middle of his sentence as he slid his cock into you, a shiver running down your spine at the feeling of being so full after so, so long.

“Kind of difficult to wait for something that you’ve been wanting for a—for a while, especially when it’s right in front of you.” He huffed into your ear, gathering your hair up in one of his hands to force you to arch you back more.

“Fuck. You okay, baby girl? I know this is a tight fit, cause you’re squeezing the shit out of my dick.” Yoongi waited patiently for your okay, although that didn’t stop him from rocking his hips against you slowly to offer himself some sort of relief.

“‘m okay. Just fuck me, please.” You begged, and Yoongi hastily obliged. He kept his hand tangled between your locks, as he brought his free hand down to your hip.

He set a gut-destroying pace instantly, the sound of his balls slapping against your ass somehow louder than they’d be if the two of you were in a secluded room.

“You can consider this your punishment for giving me so much shit talk yesterday. Look at you now, huh? Can’t get a single fucking word out, can you?” You whined as he dug his fingernails into your hip, his thrusts so vigorous and powerful that you would scrape the skin of your thighs against the tree every now and then.

Your legs twitched as you neared your high, a noise sounding like somewhat of a feminine growl climbing its way out from the back of your throat as you held your breasts in your hands, flicking your nipples between your fingers to coax yourself closer to the edge.

“Good girl. Lose yourself on my cock.” Yoongi was near his climax as well, the way your pussy was sucking him in combined with his cock grazing the material of your panties every few thrusts enough to send him straight toward that euphoric feeling.

There was something so primal about him taking you up against a tree, where seemingly anyone could find the two of you. No strings attached (yet), just pure, sexual need.

“Cum with me. I want that.” Yoongi snarled into your ear, and you nodded eagerly as he slid his hand across your stomach and down toward your clit.

He only managed to rub a few quick circles against the sensitive nub before you began to thrash wildly underneath him.

“Stay still.” He warned you, and you tried desperately to obey him as hot bliss took over momentarily, and your muscles spasmed beneath Yoongi as he used your pussy to chase his high as well, pulling out to cum on your back.

He slid your pants back up, before turning you around to try and button them. You were shaking too much, though, and it was starting to frustrate him.

“________, stay st—SHIT!”

Yoongi yelled as he began to tumble backward, making sure to pull you with him this time.

Your intense shaking caused Yoongi to trip over himself and fall backward, causing the both of you to end up plummeting into the cold river water.

“Damnit!” You cursed, and Yoongi just laughed as he rubbed his eyes free of the water that managed to seep into them.

“You’re quite the klutz.” He commented, running his hand through his hair as he slyly noticed the way your shirt began to grow more and more sheer as it soaked in the water.

“You’re quite the asshole.” You playfully rolled your eyes, squealing when Yoongi snagged your shirt into his hands and pulled you into his hold once more.

“Accidents just seem to happen at this river, don’t they?” You asked, and Yoongi shrugged, wrapping his arms around your waist as he tucked your head underneath his chin.

“Yeah, but they’re also the best memories.” You tilted your head up to look at Yoongi’s face, and his eyes were closed.

Why do you always miss the memo?

Just as you were about to close your eyes, Yoongi splashed your face with a bit of water from the river.

You gasped and pulled away from him, mustering up the most threatening glare you could give.

“Why would you do that when I’m already wet?” He smirked.

“Hell yeah you are.”

“YOONGI!”

tag list! (let me know if you wanna be on it!)

@bitchyaus @taesluttt @1-in-abillion @designjet @peachy-bhun @patpus @koracynthia120 @safi4x @lcnycto @someonewhowannadielol @dreamingsmile @rinastylesworld @fan-ati--c @sincemalik @bts-bay-bee @cestlaviecia @jeonjungkookiiee @bunny-kix03

[andreyahalms]

Fic Writer Review

Tagged by @mira--mira. Thank you for the tag! 😄 That WIP thing you tagged me months ago still haunts me and I promise I will get to it some day.

1. How many fics on AO3?

19

2. Total AO3 wordcount?

91,058

....when did this happen. 😂

3. How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

Naruto (10)

Harry Potter (5)

Hetalia (4)

+Bleach and Detective Conan on ff.net.

HP & Hetalia are from, like, 7-8 years back and earlier though.

4. Top Five by Kudos?

c'mon and get your kicks - SNS superhero AU ft. Sasuke's socially inept flirting and one of my favourite tropes - identity porn. Hand-written, typed and edited in a 10-hour daze.

Chameleon White - HSMD canon-divergent, time-travel fixit (sort of). Not sure why so many people read it, but I'm glad that it brought the readers some joy.

Of Monsters and Sleep - DenNor, Hetalia, written in 2013. Can only vaguely recollect the contents.

Simmer Down and Pucker Up - SNS spy AU ft. explosions, nipples, zombies and accidental honeypots. Marked my return to fanfic writing after a 7-year break.

For My Dreams (and a Pocketful of Gold) - Wolfstar superhero AU, written for R/S Small Gifts.

5. Do you respond to comments, why/why not?

I do if it's criticism, or if people have questions that won't be answered later on in the fic.

Otherwise, I don't. As much as I like praise and appreciation, it embarrasses me - both online and offline - and I never know how to react like a normal person since I wasn't socialised properly as a kid. I prefer to blush furiously in the safety of my room.

6. What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

There's a Naruto (SasuHina) fic I'd written back in high school. The angst is exactly as melodramatic and cringy as you'd expect coming from a 15 y.o. who's learning how to process their emotions. Otherwise, Chameleon White I guess? Not angsty per se, just a little sad.

7. Do you write crossovers? If so, what is the craziest one you’ve written?

Nope. Can't go through the mental gymnastics of making characters from different universes react, haha. But I like fics where the cast of series A lives in and follows the same rules as the universe of series B.

There's an SNS JJBA AU I fiddle with sometimes, titled Sasuke's Bizarre Adventure. It's basically a retelling of Stardust Crusaders, with Hashimada playing the role of Joseph (the weird and dramatic grandfathers), Orochimaru as Dio (thirsty for that Uchiha blood) and Itachi (parallel to Jonathan's body that Dio...commandeered) who Sasuke and co. set out to rescue.

8. Have you received hate on a fic?

Not on anything after I picked up writing again. People here are really kind! I did receive some hate on a Bleach fic on ff.net that I'd written in 2011/12, but I came across that comment 8 years after it was posted, so it was kinda funny. They were viciously sore about how the 2 characters did not end up together. Which is not really my problem because I never hinted at a romance??? Idk man, it confused me.

9. Do you write smut?

Writing smut is embarrassing, sorry. It's like eating food I made myself, as opposed to consuming food that someone else has made for you with quality ingredients, impeccable hygiene and passion.

10. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Nope.

11. Ever had a fic translated?

Haha, nope.

12. Ever co-written a fic before?

*looks at my million WIPs* I have commitment issues.

13. All time favorite ship?

Well, wolfstar (Remus/Sirius from HP) is a ship that's endured for literal years. I'm a big fan of the best-friends-to-tragedies (with a healthy dose of betrayal) trope. Really goes through the full emotion spectrum. Which is why I like Hashimada and SNS too.

14. What’s a WIP you want to finish, but don’t think you ever will?

Ahiṃsā, an Itachi & Sasuke-centric fic where after the massacre, Itachi runs away with Sasuke instead of running away to Akatsuki. It was going to based on some of the virtues of Hinduism & some other religions which developed in the same part of the world. Edo-tensei Madara would have made an appearance, and it would have been a fic about peace and brotherhood and family and the ties to your birthplace...but yeah. 😅

15. What are your writing strengths?

Conciseness (I say on the longest post I've ever made on this website).

16. What are your writing weaknesses?

Also conciseness. I would love for my writing to be more descriptive, where I set up the ambience and emotions but it's really hard for me. If I try it, I end up hating it.

Also prepositions. Is it sitting in a chair or on a chair. Stuff like this just fucks me up.

17. What are your thoughts of writing dialogue in other languages?

Not a fan. Some commonly used terms are fine - like common jutsu names etc, but otherwise, it breaks the flow. I get that if you're reading a fic from a character's POV, the general practice is to write in another language if that character is as clueless as you, but I don't like it. I'd prefer if people wrote "kommaut alle woo" (pardon my French) instead of "comment allez-vous" so that I read it in the same way the character hears it, but that's just me haha. Writing stuff in different languages/scripts is fine if the character is reading text they don't understand.

18. First fandom you wrote for?

Bleach or Detective Conan. I'm too scared to go to my ff.net and find out.

19. Favorite fic you’ve ever written?

I have a very hands-off approach with my fics. Once it's written, it's gone. I love the comments and kudos and bookmarks and feedback, but otherwise, it's not my problem. The author is dead, time to play with the next one. But the SNS spy AU kept me occupied the longest and gave me the freedom to write some really random shit, so. :')

......

I think most people I know here who write have already been tagged, but @libby-failedsage if you're up for it and haven't done it already - and anyone else who wants to!

[scaredandbored]

frailty, thy name is leonard mccoy

(title is a rip-off of shakespeare’s line “frailty, thy name is woman” from hamlet)

warnings : THERE ARE SPOILERS IN THE WARNINGS

 1- look bones gets kidnapped by aliens who are totally against their planet’s agreement with the federation and he gets beaten up pretty bad. im not sure how to warn specifics for this, but there’s physical violence and blood and stuff so if you don’t like that, this isn’t for you

2- this is my first time writing with a vague plot in mind so please feel free to tear into it with the ol’ constructive criticism

3- there IS a lengthy discussion of a “global viral pandemic” but it ain’t covid and it ain’t earth so s’long as words like “outbreak” “viral” “pandemic” “global pandemic” “isolation” etc don’t bother you it should be ok

4- bones is in it so there is cursing. also spock kinda gets Overly Protective so if yall dont like that give this one a skip (not that im always shit at writing spock anyway)

5- oop character death didn’t expect that but the plot goes where the plot wants to go

no editing we die like men

it IS a spones fic who do you think i am   

words : 3,523

When the Anti-Federation Rebels did not return by the time Leonard’s throat had begun to itch with thirst, he started to realise that he wasn’t critically injured Had any properly trained Starfleet officer been put in his situation, they probably wouldn’t even bother showing up to medbay at this stage. But he wasn’t properly trained. Just a bumbling country doctor the fleet had stupidly thought would thrive while being held responsible for the lives of the entire crew of their flagship. He wasn’t built for this kind of thing, he wasn’t trained. Physically and emotionally weaker than the rest of the crew, and completely ignorant of the politics and mind games involved in space travel; he was in pain. All he had wanted was to try and stop the spread of the virus, and look where that had gotten him.

He’d strong-armed Kirk into taking this mission. Pulled in a few favours. He’d not been keeping a particularly close eye on the negotiations happening between the official representatives of Caughlaigh and the United Federation of Planets, but when he’d heard about the viral outbreak on the main content of the planet, Leonard McCoy knew they weren’t equipped to handle the situation. The night he first heard about the outbreak, he’d asked Kirk what he’d known about Caughlaigh, to which the captain had responded : “To be perfectly honest, not much, Bones.”, before neatly taking Spock’s rook with a knight. Spock had raised an eyebrow at Leonard’s sudden breaking of the comfortable silence in the room. The eyebrow crept a millimetre higher at the captain’s unprecedented move. Leonard decided to drop the conversation and forget about it. He knew he didn’t know everything about the situation. He knew Starfleet would’ve looked at the medical capabilities of the people of Caughlaigh and reacted accordingly. He knew Spock was underestimating the importance of that particular move made by Jim. He’d thought maybe he was underestimating the Caughlaigh officials. Jim had won that particular match. 

Two days later, a recommended news story on his personal PADD told him the situation on Caughlaigh had escalated from an outbreak to a pandemic. There were cases in every settlement on the main continent, and the spread of the virus to the other two smaller continents was inevitable. He’d hung behind after watching Spock destroy Jim at chess three times in a row to tell the captain what he’d learned. Jim had smiled softly in the way he always did when Leonard was being unnecessarily worrisome. “I’m sure the powers that be are making sure no-one is in any real danger.” A friendly clap on the shoulder that the rest of the crew would’ve taken in their stride shook McCoy slightly. “Now, I recommend you get yourself a good night’s rest, Bones.” Leonard had grumbled something about not knowing Jim had gotten a medical license.

Another two days later, another recommended news story. The first deaths from the virus had happened in the epicentre of the pandemic, the largest settlement on the main continent had lost their main healer and her most trained assistant. McCoy set up his PADD so that any articles regarding the Caughlaigh Pandemic would be automatically downloaded, available to read even if they entered some electromagnetic storms or some other astro-phenomenon he didn’t fully understand.

A week later, three inhabitants of one of the smaller continents passed away. Leonard had gone to Jim with the intention of seeking comfort from the closest thing he had to a friend on this godforsaken tin can. He’d come back six hours later with a promise from his captain and Starfleet that the Enterprise was going to assist with the Caughlaigh situation.

A day later, Leonard hand picked multiple ensigns and a few nurses to take with him to the surface to work on the frontlines. Commander Spock had formally contested the logic in sending down the ship’s chief medical officer to work in a hospital instead of working on a cure back at the ship. Leonard’s friend Spock had requested he be unwavering in his sanitation and self-preservation on the surface.

He’d only been on the surface for a week when he’d been knocked out while he was scrubbing up for a surgery. The anti-federation rebels had noticed his uniform and taken him for a great deal of questioning. They used a method that was rather... forceful. 

They had left him alone, finally. Maybe they had realised he wasn’t going to cooperate. Most likely they were taking a break to make sure they didn’t render him useless before they could exploit him for information. Lucky for him.

Leonard McCoy didn’t enjoy bright lights at the best of times; as a boy growing up in Georgia he’d always been mocked by his peers for his adverse reaction to the harsh sunlight, whether it was violently scrunching up his face or wearing sunglasses every time he stepped outside the door. He’d eventually stopped wearing the sunglasses, migraines be damned. A kid can only take so much ridicule. Now, decades later, he found himself irrationally wishing he’d taken his sunglasses with him. He had to focus on how much the harsh, almost surgical lights were paining him. Had to, unless he wanted to focus on the rest of his aching body. 

He could heard the sound of his captors making their way back into the room he’d been strapped up in, and began to pull helplessly at his bonds, which did nothing but give him friction burns around his wrists and ankles. He tried to speak but instead of his voice, a pained hiss of air rushed out from somewhere low in his throat as a clawed foot connected with his stomach.

Clinically, Leonard registered the puncturing of the skin over his stomach, but failed to extrapolate any further medical analysis as pain seared from the wounds. A fist connected with his nose. There was a crack, then more pain. He could feel blood rushing down his lower face, could feel it looking between his lips, could taste it when his mouth opened in a gasp for air as something constricted his breathing.

Thrashing his head, Leonard desperately tried to get a glimpse of who was in the room with him, tried to figure out where they were coming from, where they’d hit him next, but the lights were blinding him, his eyes were burning, he was pretty sure his nose was broken, he was bleeding, he... he was alone.

An open palm struck his face while another clawed foot pressed painfully at the base of his spine. It was probably his imagination, but Leonard thought he could hear his old bones creak and groan under the pressure.

His lips grew tacky with the blood that continued to gush from his nose, and his head spun. He couldn’t stop himself from jerking his arms instinctively to press against the throbbing wounds to his stomach, which caused the restraints on his wrists to dig into his skin.

A cold, almost-leather strap was clamped around his neck, and it was tight, much too tight. He tried to tell them, desperate mewlings that went ignored as his nose kept bleeding and his stomach kept churning and he couldn’t think and then there was a strong, cold, seven fingered hand gripping his jaw, forcing his chin up.

A growl, from someone Leonard couldn’t see, corresponded with a significant tightening of the grip on his jaw. His head was full of feathers, he was sure of it. A soft, swan-like down that was probably stained brick red from the steady stream pouring out of his nose, out of his gut-

He felt his jaw shatter and his head hit the ground.

***

“Bones, please respond.” The captain had been comming his CMO for upwards of an hour now, ever since he failed to give his morning report. He hadn’t been particularly worried about Bones’s failure to report precisely on time; he’d always had an awful internal clock. The only reason he was starting to worry now was that his away team hadn’t seen Dr.McCoy since lunchtime yesterday. 

Now, if it had been an away team of senior officers, he’d believe Bones would’ve felt no need to check in with the crew, but he’d taken down a bunch of ensigns to try and give them some experience on the field, and Bones was the biggest mother hen Jim had ever met. “Spock, life signs?”

Spock hadn’t looked up from his console all morning, which was a worry in itself. “The doctor removed his comm badge before retiring last night, earlier than normal, captain. He has not reattached it since.” 

“You’re telling me we can’t find him?” Jim was trying to keep his professionalism, but when his friend was unaccounted for on a politically volatile planet, he thought he could be forgiven a little terseness. 

Spock took longer to reply than usual, his hands fiddling with what Jim knew to be more sensitive equipment than their general sensors. “There is no terran life-forms outside of the planet-side transporter location within our sensor range, captain.” 

“And what exactly is our sensor range, Mr.Spock?” Angling for less confrontational, Jim found himself using a tone of voice he knew Spock had difficulty discerning whether it was angry or not. To make up for this, Jim perched himself on the edge of Spock’s console, placing his hand on the back of the chair and leaning in closer so he could look at the readings himself. 

“We can scan the entire surface of the planet with the assistance of the numerous towers planet-side. However, we can only penetrate approximately six feet below the surface due to the composition of the planet’s soil. It contains isotopes which-”

“Thank you Mr.Spock, I understand.” Normally, Jim would indulge Spock in his analysis, but time could very well have been a resource they were lacking. “Six feet, you say?”

“Affirmative, captain.” Spock was looking directly at him, his normal micro-expressions invisible to Jim. 

“Well, at least we know he’s not dead.” 

“Captain?”

“I’ll explain later, Mr.Spock. Mr.Scott?” The crackle of the infamously bad reception from the engine room rang over the bridge’s intercom. 

“Aye, captain?”

“Any chance we could get those sickbay kids back onboard?”

“Aye sir. I had someone repair those transporters this mornin’.”

“Excellent. Bridge out.” Kirk took a steadying breath. Just one. He couldn’t let the panic he could feel settling low in his chest affect his ability to command the ship. Especially when the livelihood of the ship’s CMO depended on that ability. “Transporter room?”

“Sir?”

“Have we got a lock on the away team?”

“All bar one, captain. Do you have the coordinates of Dr.McCoy?”

“Not right now, no. Beam up the rest, and have them report to my ready room.”

“Aye, sir.” 

Jim closed his eyes for a moment, vaguely aware of Spock standing up from his station. “Alright, Mr.Spock. Let’s find out what we can from these officers before we go jumping to any conclusions.” 

***

Leonard woke as his head was thrown against what felt like a stone wall, blood bubbling in the back of his throat. He could only hope the blood was from his nose and not his lungs, although both his face and chest were aching equally. 

A hand pinned him to the wall by the back of his neck, grinding his face against the gritty surface. Tiny pebbles scraped at the skin of his face, and he could feel his head spin as concern about an infection flitted in and out of the overwhelming bouts of different kinds of pain. A burning pain on his face from the fiction between his cheek and the gravely wall, a sharp pain in his nose (broken, if the amount of blood pooling above his upper lip was anything to go by), another sharp pain somewhere on the back of his head (sticky substance on back of neck: sweat or blood?), various, almost insignificant pains along and around his torso, an overall stiffness, and, oh Jesus. 

A shriek ripped its way out of his severely dehydrated throat as a scaled fist collided with his side, tugging at the skin which they had haphazardly sewn back together while he’d been knocked out. The area around the wound was warm, and the second the fist made contact with his side he could feel something oozing out of it. Not good, his brain helpfully supplied. The scream that had perforated the room left him whimpering in pain, his jaw a horrific cocktail of sharp, stabbing pains and dull aches, a bitter metallic taste stinging at his taste buds. 

A voice, speaking a language he didn’t know, was coming from somewhere in the room, too far away to be his assailant. Then, right beside his ear, from a tongue not designed to verbalise Standard : “They come.” 

Leonard could feel a sharp talon being pressed against the junction between the hinge of his jaw and his ear, not piercing the skin, not yet. It took him a while to try and figure out what they meant, then he gave a sharp, barking laugh followed by a coughing fit, splattering the wall he was pressed against. Jesus Christ. “You’re on some goddamn dumb shit if y’all think they ain’t halfway across y’all’s galaxy by this point.” 

The faraway, foreign vocalisations. The talon jabbed forcefully into his skin, making him groan, feeling a warm trickle of blood slither down his neck to pool with whatever was dripping down the back of his neck. 

He’d been crying since before he’d woken up, at least he thought so. “They ain’t comin’ you goddamn idiots, get your paws the fuck offa me.” His voice was thin and non-threatening, even to his own ears. The talon dragged itself down, towards his carotid artery. Leonard’s shriek was trapped in his throat as he squirmed, pressing himself further into the wall in a pathetic attempt to escape the motion. He could hear the owner of the slowly advancing talon release a hiss, before jerking it back up to his ear, deepening the wound. 

He could hear his own sobs bouncing off of the walls, echoing around his head. They weren’t coming. They couldn’t come, they’d get caught too, they had to leave him. The shudder that ran through his body tugged at the rancid stitches in his stomach, the shifting of his clothes hitting him with his own stench: dried blood, fresh blood, sweat, urine, and vomit. 

Must’ve thrown up while unconscious.

Why didn’t I choke on it, damnit?

His stomach heaved, his stitched popped, and he felt himself crumple, but was unconscious before he felt to the ground with a dull crack.  

***

“Captain it’s been three days-”

“I won’t give up the search-”

“I would not suggest we cease our search, captain. I was suggesting you allow me to proceed ahead at my own pace, as I believe I will be more efficient in locating the doctor than the security team.”

“I need you here, Spock.”

“You do not.”

Jim had never seen Spock like this before, never born witness to his unwavering loyalty secondhand. He was used to being found by a Spock who had already begun to lose his  version of a frantic disposition. He did not know what to do with a Spock who looked like he was going to go ahead with his own plan regardless of orders received. “Spock-”

“You have many competent officers aboard who would be willing to assist you in interviewing the locals.”

Jim tilted his head, giving his first officer a warning look which he had a feeling went ignored. “Are you suggesting my search team is incompetent, Mr.Spock?”

His eyebrows jumped as Spock clearly opened his mouth to give his agreement. Spock quickly checked himself and closed his mouth, took a deep breath, then leveled Jim with a look he knew all too well. Spock had picked it up from him. “I am merely noting your CMO has been missing for three days, presumed in mortal danger.” It was a vulcanised version of the look Jim got before disobeying a direct order from a superior.

“I need you back alive. Both of you.” 

Spock blinked once in what Jim hoped was a promise before he was gone.

***

The team of redshirts trailed behind Spock as he followed the sound of a gentle scraping his human teammates had not been able to hear. The sound grew louder as they wound their way through a cave system that was almost too dark for him to see in. Spock’s already brisk pace grew even faster as a pained groan joined the scraping noise, an eerily human expression of pain. 

The team following him broke out into a full sprint the second they heard a yell coming from directly ahead. Spock froze at the familiarity of that yell. He’d heard it more times than he cared to, and his stomach lurched at what it implied. Snapping into action, he easily outstripped the rest of the team, who yelled for him to stop. 

Spock did not stop.

He burst into a wide open cavern flooded with bright light, felt his second eyelid slide shut, and in the split second it took for his eyes to adjust, there were three pairs of eyes fixed on him. Two threatening, reptilian humanoids watched him carefully, as Spock stood, frozen. McCoy was looking at him, but his eyes were glazed over, his face gaunt and bloody, his bare feet slipping in a puddle of his own shockingly red blood as he was held up by his neck by one of the two friendly locals. Spock felt cold, and he could feel his heart drop to his pelvic girdle as he was unable to see the rise and fall of the doctor’s chest. He couldn’t move. The captors were stood in shock, uncertain what to do with their intruder.

“S....Sp....” McCoy blinked slowly and tried to speak. The sound of his voice struggling up through a restricted throat, past a mangled jaw, desperately trying to form the sounds of his name brought a fury Spock had never known.

He felt a growl rumble in his chest, and when the lizard holding McCoy by the neck gave the doctor a shake, Spock launched himself. He was vaugly aware of a scuffle ensuing behind him, but his focus was totally on pulverising this creature who had dared to try and take Leonard from him. 

Wrapping an arm around Leonard’s chest elicited a pained mewl from his tiny doctor, which sent another surge of red through Spock, as he shoved the creature away from them instead of trying to pull Leonard away, but the creature dug its talons in instead of letting go. Spock could feel Leonard jerk forward, pulled by the nails embedded in his neck. A strangled noise left Spock as he leaned forward and sank his teeth into the hand, which released Leonard in surprise. Immediately, Spock slipped McCoy behind him, his concern slowly growing to outtake his anger as Leonard’s pained noises grew more and more frequent. Backing into a corner, Spock’s eyes did not leave the advancing opponent.

There was a flash of light, the lizard fell, and Spock immediately turned to Leonard, his hands flying to the psi-points on the doctors face without hesitation, totally unaware of the frail hands shakily trying to pry him away. Spock joined to McCoy without hesitating, ascertaining the extent of the damage.

That wasn’t a very good idea, darlin’. 

Spock had not wanted his first meld with Leonard to be like this, not filled with more pain than he knew the doctor could withstand, not feeling the ghosts of what he knew, logically, were recent, fatal wounds, and older, debilitating lacerations and fractures.

You may not leave. 

Since when have I ever done what y’told me to, Spock?

His thoughts were... surprisingly direct for a human untrained in vulcan ways, but the way they were growing gradually quieter was enough to send Spock into a panic which he tried desperately to tamp down. 

On Vulcan, one’s spouse always  obeys their husband.

Who’s t’say y’ain’t the one who’s ‘posed to do th’ obeyin’?

Spock felt a flash of pain as Leonard tried to smile, then the connection went dead. 

Leonard had slammed up a mental barrier, and Spock did not have time to wonder where he had learned to do that, not as he was desperately pressing at Leonard’s psi-points while fixedly staring at the increasingly unsteady rise and fall of the his chest. Spock’s gazed fixed in horror at the stark white slip of collarbone protruding from the skin with every inhale. 

By the time the familiar fizz of the transporter surrounded them, Spock was no longer fighting against the mental barrier, but was still unable to make contact with the spirited doctor.

***

Jim had known Spock’s expression had meant he was going to disobey an order. He’d hoped by giving the order Spock had wanted, to bring his two best friends home, to avoid that. He should’ve known better.          

[drev-the-procrastinator]

I would love to know more about space fic and the mandalorian fic! Or whichever story you want to talk about the most :D

Thanks so much for the asks!! I am always happy to ramble about my story ideas, so I think I'll talk about them both... this might get a bit long :'D [EDIT: it sure did ahfladgf]

I'll start with the space fic! As you can see from the list, it's kind of the only one with an actual title, "The Overview Program". If you know stuff about space you might recognize the term, kind of! The title is based on the Overview effect, which is also kind of one of the two things that inspired the whole story idea? I'll get into it a little later

So this one's one of the "technically-a-fic-but-might-as-well-be-original-fiction-tbh" triad along with the Home front fic and the Kingdom AU; that is, they all started out as Hetalia fanfics, technically, but they're also... They're human AUs, there's so much worldbuilding and original characters involved, and all the canon characters are probably so OOC that it wouldn't take much to turn them into original fiction lmao. So I'll be talking about it kind of ambiguously, since I haven't actually written any of this yet and haven't decided on which direction to take, original fiction or fanfic, ya know.

So the Overview effect. It's a phenomenon that happens to people who see the Earth from space. I'll quote Wikipedia on this because it puts it to words much better:

"It is the experience of seeing firsthand the reality of the Earth in space, which is immediately understood to be a tiny, fragile ball of life, "hanging in the void", shielded and nourished by a paper-thin atmosphere. From space, national boundaries vanish, the conflicts that divide people become less important, and the need to create a planetary society with the united will to protect this "pale blue dot" becomes both obvious and imperative."

The other thing that got me thinking of a fic was me watching some "top 10 space facts" video on Youtube, right, and one of the facts was that apparently, in 1963, JFK made a speech where he suggested that the US and the USSR would go to the moon together? And the leader of the USSR at the time, Khrushchev, was apparently going to agree to it, but then Kennedy was assassinated, Khrushchev wasn't a fan of the new president, and thus history unfolded as it did. But then, I thought, right, but what if? What if the USA&USSR space program did happen? And then I thought, hell, if the US and USSR are gonna cooperate, then why not the rest of the world? And so, the premise of this fic was born.

So, the whole world, basically, is cooperating to send humans to the moon. The way this goes is that people from all over the world are taking part in the program in different roles, like in every field one needs to make a successful space program. The story follows the group of people chosen as the ones to actually go to the moon, which includes maybe ten people, all from different countries? They've been chosen from many applicants, and from those ten or so only three or four are actually gonna make it to the actual spacecraft, because they want to make sure only the best of the best of humanity gets sent to the moon, because this is now not only scientifically a big deal, but also politically. Everyone wants this to go as smoothly as possible, because, well. World peace kinda hangs in the balance, right.

We follow this rather diverse group of people. I've yet to decide on the ethnicities and genders and fields of expertise these people have, but I know the representatives from the US and from the USSR are both in it. They're, like, all training to become astronauts/cosmonauts/etc. together, and to make the chances as even as possible they're all living somewhere together, like a big training facility? Or just, a house near a training facility. They all start out pretty at odds with each other, most of them, since it's not been too long since the last world war and the echoes of that as well as more recent conflicts and world politics as well as just personal incompatibilities are all brought to the forefront by the competetive atmosphere, since during the training period people will be eliminated from the astronaut-program based on test results, though they usually get to still contribute to the mission some other way, but still. Going to space is pretty cool and they all want to do it.

Slowly, despite the generational and interpersonal drama and the situation, they start growing closer together, and the end result would be something like found family? Found space family :) They start cheering each other on instead of putting each other down, and a similar thing happens in the other fields, as well, as people from different backgrounds spend a lot of time working together for a common goal.

Somehow the representatives from the US and USSR manage to have both the most incompatibility because of the relations between their countries, which, Cold War is just on a break at the moment and if the program goes badly then they might just return to that situation, or worse, and also most interpersonal drama, for whatever reason, so it takes the longest for them to start getting along. These two are the ones who, in the end, make it to the actual trip to the moon, along with maybe two other people? But they're the ones going to the surface of the moon.

Writers usually have That One Scene for their stories, and That One Scene for this is actually at the very end. These two, the USA and USSR representatives, land on the moon at last. The spacesuits are pretty bulky, and the ladder from the spacecraft to the surface of the moon pretty narrow, but instead of just hopping onto the moon and thus taking the title of First Human On Moon to their respective country, whichever was going to go first, kinda shuffles to one side and beckons the other to get on the ladder, and then they jump down together... And then they turn, and see the Earth rising from the darkness and vastness of space.... and bam, the overview effect hits in full. It must be a breathtaking experience.

And the name of the fic, the Overview Program? They probably start calling the space program after the Overview effect, because as seeing the Earth from space makes "national boundaries vanish, the conflicts that divide people become less important, and the need to create a planetary society with the united will to protect this "pale blue dot" becomes both obvious and imperative", this program with all the cooperation between governments and individual people both has effectively done the same, but on Earth. You know?

So. That's the space fic. I have some very vague ideas of like character drama, too, but that's the story in short. Although this isn't very short.

This is one of the stories more on the back burner, since it's something that needs a lot of research, and I already have one other historical story that I need to research a lot for (the Home front fic), so I'm probably going to work on this after I finish that one. So. Don't hold your breath guys :')

Oh, also!! I usually have at least one song I associate with a fic, and for this one it's Shoemaker by Nightwish. Especially that operatic part at the end... I basically came up with That One Scene for this fic as almost a music video to that bit :'D

This is long enough as an answer, I reckon, and I got another inquiriy after the Mando fic, so I think I'll make that it's own post. But yeah! That's the space fic, or the Overview Program! Kind of an optimistic alternative history? Maybe in that world they'll manage to stop climate change too :')

Thanks for the ask again, Purple! Hope you enjoyed this ramble!

[irwingiggling]

friends of friends. | pt. 1

A/N: Sooo guess who’s back with a new fic?! Please let me know what you guys think, and if you want me to continue this - I have lots of ideas for it! If you enjoyed it, please give it a like so I know people are interested in reading more :) The band does exist in this fic, but it’s more of a casual thing and none of the boys are famous. In this fic I tried to really focus on the characterization and in improving my writing, so yeah this is my little passion project rn while I’m in quarantine. [Also a little shoutout to @cakesunflower​, I don’t know her at all but her fics (wglylm, quiet hours, etc.) and her writing is honestly incredible and she was one of the many awesome writers on here who inspired me to start this. :)]

Word Count: 2,100+

Rating: PG-13 (mentions of alcohol, swearing)

---

"Who's Calum?" Audrey was perched over a tall wooden stool, hands around a mug of steaming hot coffee. Her short brown hair landed just above her shoulders, cascading perilously towards her coffee as she stared down her friend, a sly smile on her face.

"Just a friend of a friend," Rose replied with a shrug.

Audrey's eyebrows arched in response, unsatisfied with Rose's answer.

"No seriously. I barely know him, I met him the other day at some get together Nina dragged me to."

At mention of the other girl, a smile crept onto Audrey's face. "Damn, Nina. How's she doing?" The three were close friends back in university, sharing a dorm for two years. But after school, they'd all started to go their separate ways. Nina was in public relations. A true socialite, she loved meeting new people, and could keep up conversation for hours. Since landing her new job as an assistant for some small music company, she'd managed to drag Rose along to various parties and social gatherings with increasing frequency. The two lived on opposite sides of town in Boston, but remained decently close despite this. On the other hand, Audrey had moved back home to Michigan after school, and the two didn't see her very often at all.

"She's good. Still a true extrovert." Rose said with a gentle shake of her head.

"Gotta love that girl. She was always a go-getter." Audrey laughed, taking a sip of the creamy drink.

In contrast to Nina, Rose would describe herself as a simple person. She had her little apartment, her work, a well-stocked supply of coffee, and her dog, Olive - who she'd somehow managed to sneak under her apartment's 60lb weight limit. Everything else was extra, but as long as she had those few essentials, she was perfectly content. Though as a recent university grad who was still working part-time at a coffee shop, and taking whatever freelance work she could on the side, she didn't have a lot of room for extravagances anyway. In contrast, Audrey found a job as a radio broadcaster back home right out of school, and could now afford to make the flight down to see her girls.

"Anyways don’t try and change the subject, you haven't had a man in your life in ages!" Audrey exclaimed, teasingly poking a finger against the arm of Rose's blue sweater.

Rose gave her head a faint shake, smiling gently. She had no doubt Nina had already recounted the entire work gathering to Audrey over one of her long-winded FaceTime calls. Nina had a way of getting carried away with the stories she told, which likely meant their distant observation of Calum had morphed into a much closer brush than it actually was.

----

She vaguely remembered him from that last work event. He was easily recognizable by his dark curly hair, tanned skin, and youthful appearance, especially since the vast majority of others mingling looked to be in their late 30s. Rose caught drifts of conversations about sales and pitches and various public relations-related stuff. She had caught him looking over at her during one of the speeches. When she met his gaze he'd turned away.

"Who's that?" she asked, tugging lightly on Nina's arm. Nina was in the middle of rambling about some publication technique to boost online views.

"Oh, him? That's Calum. He's a member of one of the newer bands the company's signed. Seems decent, haven't really had a chance to chat with him yet."

Calum.

She never got the guts to go over and talk to him that night, even though he looked like one of the only people who was actually having a decent time, chatting animatedly with an equally tall guy around his age, drink in hand. Instead, she stayed by Nina's side, letting her talkative friend fill the silence and introduce her to many people whose names she would inevitably forget.

---

It was two weeks later, and Nina had caught Rose off guard yet again, getting her to agree to another one of her work parties before Rose even really knew what she was saying yes to. The term ‘party’ was an exaggeration, to say the least. Only the watered-down drinks and the 70s hits playing at a whisper in the background gave the faintest suggestion that this was a party. Rather, it was a way for people at Nina’s company to schmooze with those from other nearby labels and PR companies, collaborating on techniques, getting insider information on new signings and album releases. And Nina was so thrilled at the prospect of sharing her knowledge and making new friends, that Rose felt obligated to say yes. However, not knowing a thing about the music industry or public relations made it difficult to relate to any of the conversations, so she often found herself glued to Nina’s side, maintaining an appropriate amount of nods and smiles to the people Nina talked to, waiting for the agonizingly slow clock to tick down. She sharply reminded herself to not give in to Nina’s pleas again, that this would be the last time she would let her Friday nights turn out like this.

Letting her thoughts wander, she remembered catching a vague glimpse of the dark-haired man earlier on in the night, but she hadn't seen him at all in the past half-hour, and figured he'd gone home. She wished she could leave too, but sadly Nina was her ride, which meant she'd be here for a while longer. By this time Rose was frankly sick of Nina's incessant chatter, and with feigning enjoyment in meeting random people she truly had no interest in.

She politely excused herself from the conversation, and made her way towards the kitchen, in the hopes she could scrounge up another drink to get her through the night. Taking a look around the kitchen, she let out a small sigh when she didn't see any alcohol. However, her eyes landed on the same curly-haired man from earlier. So this was where he'd been hiding out. His cheeks flushed a vague tinge of pink at seeing he'd been discovered, but he let out a relieved breath when he saw that it was her. One of the only other people here around his age, who didn't seem like she'd want to chatter endlessly about the management side of music.

"Hey, I remember you." He stood facing her, a gentle smile on his face. "Calum," he introduced, taking a hand out of his pocket and extending it towards her.

"Rose," she replied, lips curving into a smile as she shook his hand, his larger one temporarily enveloping hers.

"Nice to meet you," he nodded. "Do you work here?" He was sure if he'd seen her before that he would have remembered.

"No, I'm actually a struggling arts major," she confessed with a small chuckle. "My friend dragged me here. Nina."

"Oh," Calum nodded, eyes flashing lightly in recognition of a name he couldn't quite place. "The really… social one?" He asked hesitantly towards the end, unsure exactly how to phrase it.

"Yeah, you can’t miss her,” Rose said, giving her head a small shake in amusement. She felt a sense of relief as Calum's light chuckle flooded her ears.

"So I'm kind of hiding out here right now," he began, looking past her for a second to the crowd of people mingling past the doorway, a sigh of relief leaving his lips as he confirmed none of the guests were interested in pulling him into another conversation.

She chuckled lightly, moving to place her empty glass near the sink. "Do you come to these kinds of things often?"

"Not really," he shrugged, taking another sip of his drink. "But the label wanted me to make an appearance. Somehow I keep drawing the short end of the stick this month for that kind of stuff."

She laughed, glad she didn't have to pretend this was an enjoyable party.

"It's kinda.. stuffy?" he added, nose scrunching at the word.

She nodded in complete understanding. "Yeah. A lot of middle-aged record and publication people. Not exactly my crowd either."

"Tell me about it," Calum sighed, taking a long sip of his fruity drink. "And this was all I could find," he added half-heartedly, raising the glass.

She chuckled, trying to muffle her amusement at the strange drink that didn't seem to quite fit with his look. The vividly coloured mini umbrella and bright purple liquid contrasted sharply with the metal rings that adorned his tanned fingers and the tattoos peeking out from his shirt collar.

Noting her amusement with his drink of choice, his eyes began to light up, and he chuckled along with her.

"I figured," she said, fighting to contain her smile. This only served to make him more amused, a full-blown laugh bubbling out from his full, pink lips. His laugh seemed too pure, too alive for this subdued party.

They stood in silence for a couple beats, letting the low buzz from the various people in the room flood their ears again, before Calum drained the rest of his drink in a gulp. "Did you wanna get out of here?" He asked, setting his empty glass down on the counter beside hers, gesturing vaguely to the direction of the front door.

"Oh!" She wasn't able to mask her surprise, eyebrows rising and a faintly amused but apologetic look on her face. "Wow, um… I think you're great, I really do, but that's just not quite something that I'm-"

His eyebrows furrowed in confusion at her response. He tilted his head slightly to one side, lips parted, as he tried to figure her out. Eventually his lips curved into a smile and a gentle laugh erupted from his mouth as he realized where she was going with this. "Shit, I meant food. My bad."

And then she was blushing profusely, wanting to melt into the floor in embarrassment because how could she fuck that up? She sighed, letting out a small whine of contempt, and when she finally got the courage to look back up at him, he was watching her, eyes sparkling. He dragged his bottom lip between his teeth, trying half-heartedly to contain the smile that still graced his face at her expense.

"Yeah, ok." She nodded, letting out a small chuckle. "I can do food."

---

She didn't quite know how she ended up at the fast-food place at 10pm, seated in a tiny booth across from Calum, watching the curly-haired man munching happily away on fries, their knees occasionally knocking against each other.

When he looked at her it was as if he was looking into her. His dark curls cascaded over his forehead, a hint of stubble on his jaw. His eyes were soft and dark brown. They crinkled around the edges when he laughed and they felt like home. It was weird for her, to feel that way with a stranger. But in many ways Calum felt more like an old friend. Like someone she'd known all her life and was just reconnecting with. At this point in the night he was beginning to look tired and sleepy, but just when she thought he was losing interest, his eyes would light up at a funny comment, and it would bring her in closer, creating the most comfortable, at ease feeling deep in her stomach. That night she learned Calum had a wicked dry sense of humour, and that his warm laugh sounded like honey.

They were there for over an hour, long after the remnants of their burgers had gone cold. Only the buzzing of the neon sign in the front window, and the quiet shuffling of the lone staff member were background noise to their conversation.

Eventually they decided to part ways, both tired and content from the night. They put their empty trays in the garbage, and left. Outside they stood only a few steps apart, trying to use each other's bodies to evade the cold wind blowing through the empty parking lot. It was already April in Boston, but some nights still felt like winter.

"Alright," he said, tugging the hood of his jacket over his head so only a few curls poked out. "Get home safe, ok?"

"I will. You too, Calum."

She turned to leave, but his fingertips brushed across the fabric of her jacket. She looked up, the movement garnering her attention. His tongue darted across his bottom lip, brown eyes searching her own.

"We're doing a little show at The Reign next Saturday night. You should come, if you want."

"Yeah I'd love to. I'll be there."

And then he was smiling, hands buried in his pockets. She took a step back and gave him a wave, which he returned, watching her for a few moments before turning in the direction of his own apartment.

[kinetic-elaboration]

September 10: Friday

I just had this feeling this morning like I didn’t want to go to work and eh... that was probably right. Nothing really bad happened, I just felt very strongly that I did NOT want to be there.

My coworker wanted to talk to me at like 8:30 in the morning (you know those silly little ‘don’t talk to me before I’ve had my coffee’ signs?? literally do not talk to me before 9:30 EARLIEST) and I was supremely incoherent. Then later a different coworker essentially took out his bad mood on my department including on me personally, and it was... dumb. I got his point but I’m just, as I tried to explain to others later, unkeen on being talked to about actions I took under others’ explicit instructions. Also, in part because of that, in part because I thought he was semi-unreasonable, and in part because I just truly didn’t want to do what he was asking/telling me to do, I did not really budge on the issue. Which was very awkward because as I said I did get his point. And of course the issue is SOMETHING DUMB which is always how it is. All of these fights are 100% shit that would sound idiotic if you tried to explain it to someone else, which is why I’m vaguing right now.

And the nametags thing came up on Teams (thanks @ the same coworker), and the only good thing about that is that the director explicitly said she was against the idea so I feel pretty confident that it won’t be mandated. Also I could detect some panic in other people about it. I do NOT like the way this is being handled AT ALL. Plus it’s just the hill I’ve decided to die on (because I think I can win--so I guess it’s better to say this is the hill I’m going to defeat my enemies on) so I gotta get annoyed at it. I refrained from contributing to the conversation but I did like the director’s anti-nametag post, which I think gets my point across.

Also I felt like I spent a lot of time doing not much, to be honest. Still didn’t go to stupid compact shelving. Devoted too much time to the crap in the above paragraphs. Talked to BL over in admin and heard some more unflattering stories about a particular administrator. Like, incredibly unflattering. Which is stuff I do want to know but it contributes to the overall Mood of the day, which again is ‘I don’t want to be here.’

I took a very late lunch, and that in turn contributed to me not paying enough attention to the time and leaving late.OH AND I got 3 important emails in the last ten minutes of the day. Two were very expected because they were coming from the West Coast but the last was like.. do not make me deal with this right now.

I didn’t deal with almost any of it but I did get so distracted that I left about five minutes late, and so I missed the bus. I wasn’t too upset about it since the weather was nice anyway and I didn’t mind spending some time downtown. But I did waste time trying to see if I could catch said bus, and then more time trying to go to my favorite coffee shop, which had closed at 5. But since it was 5:15, there were still people inside (cleaning up, which is fair) and people outside (drinking coffees they’d bought before 5 I’m sure, also fair), and the sign said hours were until 7 so I spent a few confused, embarrassing moments going ????? what is the truth?

So ultimately I went to a different cafe, a newish one that opened in 2019 I think. I’ve always avoided it in part because the floor is very loud and in part because I felt like I was cheating on my main place lol. (Not that I never get coffee anywhere else... just that this place is so close to my usual place, I always feel like, if I’m in the area, I might as well go to said usual place.) I did find the inside very disorienting. The pattern of the floor is just truly A Lot. They did have these weird teacup ornaments hanging from the ceiling though. I got an iced latte, which was fine, and this delicious spinach and feta pastry. I feel like I should stop by more often for baked goods. I settled outside with what I’d gotten, mostly because of the floor, partly because it actually was nice out, and partly because I’m not currently comfortable with indoor dining, even in places with almost no one in them.

I only had like 25 minutes to kill at that point, but it was nice. I had a notebook with me and I did a teeny bit of planning on the Southern Gothic AU (still behind on this!!). Mostly I listened to the conversation next to me. I couldn’t entirely help it; the girl’s voice was carrying. She was talking to her guy friend about some recent issues they’d been having in their friendship. I was honestly...kind of impressed with them? I could mostly hear her--he was talking too but his voice didn’t carry as much--but it just overall sounded like a really open, emotionally honest, generally calm talk. Like certainly there were strong emotions in play (not exactly going to judge whether they were “warranted” given the apparent facts of the dispute, since I just ranted about a disagreement over something so dumb I don’t even want to name it in public) but they were just... expressing feelings that were difficult, and expressing displeasure with others’ actions, without yelling or being passive aggressive, etc. I mean even that they’d picked this time and place to meet specifically to discuss it I thought was commendable. And they were definitely friends, not bf/gf, because the disagreement involved his girlfriend (once referred to as his “partner”...sorry lol I judged that a LITTLE since they looked like they were maybe 21 years old--partner in WHAT??). The girl mentioned her therapist, which put a lot of her tone and vocabulary into perspective. Not necessarily in a bad way, I mean, it seemed to be working? But as someone who has never been to therapy, but is self-taught, so to speak, in gauging and describing my own feelings, I could... discern a sort of purposeful vocabulary that almost sounded scripted. I wrote down some specific quotes but I don’t want to put them in a public place. I’ll draw my respecting-strangers’-privacy line in the sand there. But a lot of, like “when you do x, it makes me feel y” kind of controlled explanations.

Anyway, I got very invested in that. Partly for future writing purposes, partly out of curiosity and partly because... I don’t know that I could have that kind of conversation NOW and I’m fairly sure I could not have when I was in college. I mean.... I don’t know... I’ve blocked out a lot of the pretentious/serious/about-our-feelings talks I did have. And what sticks out now are all the times I didn’t do that--all of the many, many issues with TA38... Even the way B and I have literally NEVER acknowledged the handful of times we hooked up in 2009.

You’re never gonna sound COOL talking about your emotions, your wants and your needs; it’s always gonna sound, imo, like a Therapy Script. And I don’t even always think you gotta have those talks. After graduation, R and I literally had this exchange where we said ‘well we both made mistakes last year, and we could try to untangle it now, but it’s just gonna bring up a lot of bad feelings. It’s done now anyway. Blanket apologies given, blanket acceptance of apologies, let’s move on.” And we did and it was fine. But if we’d had better conversations while we were living together, that would have been a different situation.

All of which is of course complicated for me personally because I am extremely conflict-averse. EXTREMELY.

Anyway, I ran into BL at the bus stop and we talked a bit there and on the bus, which was fine but kinda exhausting tbqh especially because of the topic of conversation. I got home at 6:30 and must have crawled immediately into bed and gone to sleep, but I barely remember it at all. Woke up at 10:30 and had no idea what time it was or what day it was or what I was doing.

Had dinner and then somehow went down a rabbit hole that started... somewhere?? and ended with me looking up my childhood home on Google Earth, which you KNOW is the sign of a mentally stable person who is doing just fine okay.

Now it’s the absolutely disgusting hour of 2:30 in the morning... Idk I wanted to go out tomorrow and take advantage of the nice weather but we’ll see how that goes. The thing is I feel like I need a full day to sleep but I only have two (2) days and in that time I gotta do laundry, cook for the week, preferably write one (1) whole chapter of this fic, and possibly also go on the aforementioned excursion. Which is a lot for me. It doesn’t really... fit.

Everything’s just so much all the time and so on.

[hange-zone]

hey...i’ve sat with the ending for a bit and am still not entirely sure what to feel. i will say i’m bit sad that it’s over - i started this series with friends back in 2014, and was little and giddy and excited about it. i consumed a lot of jeanmarco fic (wisteria! LAD! render! strings! etc) and that one really good eremin (we were kings...which is probably half the reason why i’m writing it so feverishly now) + fanart (johannathemad! icarus theory! gimmes! many many more that i’m happy to share but don’t remember right now cos it’s 5am)

and then life went on and i forgot about it mostly because...life...and only got back into it a few months ago when the anime was back on netflix and i watched most of it in the span of a week. and i’m here, again.

i have to admit i don’t exactly read the manga and i stopped the anime for a bit because at the heart of it i’m also not sure how to feel about the time skip. i think that’s on me though - the basement was built up to be this black box and i think a large part of the fun was the not knowing, and the journey to the basement was used as a framing device. so once we found out that fell away and i don’t think any reveal would have been completely satisfactory. and i have issues with the timeskip but it’s probably me being picky (lol dm me if you’d like to know more, i am such a rambler)

though admittedly there are parts of the post timeskip i do enjoy - you can tell i’m obsessed with that one scene eren and armin stare at each other, i love the new designs, i especially love armin lol - and I appreciate parts of the perspective it’s trying to give too in the broadest sense (ie the anti-war themes...effect of propaganda... at least I THINK that’s what we were supposed to take away at the start of season 4 because I stopped watching the show then for a whole host of reasons)

was looking over (ok, glued to) reddit yesterday and it occured to me parts of the fandom (read: r/yeagerbomb) can be quite toxic (as with any large fandom I guess!) so I was hoping to avoid that but also like understand what’s going on...i think honestly i was a bit disappointed in the ending, at first i was actually upset but now i’m just...alright. mostly i think i’m sad it’s ended and that’s mixed up with how I feel in general. but I've thought about it and overall it’s an  ending in the broadest sense, I mean it largely served its purpose and I think importantly for endings, tied up main threads of the plot. and i respect the decisions the author has made, even as we’re all entitled to our opinion and you can disagree. I do wish some other choices made or it were done slightly differently. mostly I wish it had more time to develop some themes and I think generally some parts of the series were a bit convoluted. 

if you’d like my (uninformed) thoughts i am happy to share - they’re in more detail below! and i’d like to hear yours too:)

.

.

.

if it helps i didn’t buy the whole ‘chad eren’ thing at all - at heart he is still a nineteen year old boy and he’s probably still small and scared - something which i’ve explored! - and while i appreciate that eremika didn’t exactly come out of nowhere i’ve always read it as them wanting the domesticity with each other, wanting to live out full, normal lives, but not necessarily just about the exclusivity of a relationship, which is what some readings of the last chapter seemed to suggest (& hence i kinda get why people are so mad that that he comes off as an incel but idk, maybe it’s the translations? i personally am choosing to read it as the first part - that he wanted deep down to have the space to live out a long, natural life with the people he loves).

but wrt to eremika my main thing is that i’m a bit iffy on the parallels to ymir because personally i’m not a bit fan of that entire ymir/fritz thread...1) i get the slave...to love but it also feels a bit like it romanticises their relationship? maybe i’m reading too much into it. but more importantly to me 2) i feel it complicates things a bit because we can’t then pin down if it’s eren or her making the executive decisions which then becomes a bit more thematically murky and doesn’t help with characterisation...I mean if he’s a plot device then he is a plot device, if he’s a character with agency then he’s a character, if he blurs the line between both it becomes a bit of an issue as there aren’t real stakes and character development then becomes a bit of a question mark since there’s also this tendency to reduce him to a symbol...and yeah, as we see the whole  headache-inducing nature of this is quite evident now... (and i want to feel for eren!)

also not a super fan of the eren sending dina. but i’m reminded of the discussions around mr robot and standing in the stream of time wrt white rose but eh, time travel plots are always a bit inscrutable and honestly always make things difficult. personally i rationalise it as more of he sent them away from Bert than to his mother. maybe he had the vague understanding of what it’d do but exactly why he did it was different, which idk, makes all the difference to me. 

but i do appreciate what the ending was trying to show, even if I personally don't think it was the best, i do appreciate eren’s vulnerability, his last talk with armin broke me, and appreciate that jean is okay, levi is okay, and he got to see everyone else again. i’m also kinda appreciative of the bird symbolism though i don’t think it’s any more than that...also it makes me think that poor eren, he’s burdened with Glorious Purpose & like it’s not gonna stop until he’s dead, right :/ also was under no illusions that it was gonna be a happy ending and everyone would be satisfied somehow or another so eh. I do wish that some things were done differently, I would have done some things differently, but also I acknowledge the constraints of the medium and I think some nuances didn't come across/writing could be tighter. maybe we’ll see when the anime comes out, if some of us stick around that long.

also my monkey brain is choosing to fixate on little, abstract things like oh, armin looks so cute with his hair slicked back...so kudos for that and maybe there’s some hamfisted thing about telling the story...giving it meaning...like horatio? maybe? lol goodnight sweet prince eren...i AM overthinking it probably. anyway if you think about it, it’s the death of the author (ie Barthes) and meaning is created not just when it’s encoded in the text, but when we read and experience it -- which gives us some leeway as to how we interpret the whole series, if you’d really like. so this is my outlook:”)

ok this has turned out longer than i expected and is undercut by actually a lot of salt ahh and i actually have a whole sort of treatise on it! but i think i am a bit emotionally exhausted because i always care too much so i think i'll take a break before I get back to prompts, sorry...

anyway what i mean to say is if you made it this far thank you & that i’m interested to hear what people think! so come send in the ask or reply to this - and feel free to disagree etc but let’s be peaceable about it:)