#kind of lots of things in my head rn!!
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how are you?? how did march treat you hows 2024 going? i love you
HI I LOVE YOU
i am doing mostly fine,, 2024 has been an intersting year i've been trying to listen to the the "do it alone" rhetoric and not be dissuaded from doing things im intersted in just bc i dont have anyone to them with ?? i've been trying to get out more in general.
i bought a fleetwood mac vinyl yesterday and i've a cat on either side of me right now i think today will be good :}
HOW ARE YOU I HOPE YOU HAVE THE LOVLELIEST APRIL
#maybe just maybe i will make myself a littl beverage#i have to clean my room today so it'll be ready for listing the house :|#but i will try to make the most of it#ALSO#i got an undercut yesterday im very excited to have done something funky with my hair#also im trying to find a roommamte so i dont have to move across the country.. the effort is proving fruitless#kind of lots of things in my head rn!!#oh well yolo#kestrel calls#mutuals <3#ty for the ask i really hope you are doing well <3
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Every time you think, "Oh, I don't have [x condition], I'm basically cured!" that is the devil talking. You aren't cured, you are likely going through periods of your symptoms waning. Don't cease whatever you're doing to help yourself, like medication, for instance, because it's likely you still have the conditions or symptoms, even if you aren't noticing them as frequently or severely.
#disability#this is a callout post about myself#i genuinely thought my GAD was cured because my symtoms had lessened significantly since i've transitioned#turns out my anxiety is just as killer and awful - it's just muted slightly#i am currently laying down with my brain convinced that i'm About To Have a Heart Attack#(and not in the fun demi lovato kind of way)#(that song is a little over a decade old... what the bingle)#anyway please don't do what i do whenever i experience ANY level of symptoms getting better because it will shock you...#...when those symptoms come back and remind you that you Do Indeed have [x condition]#i now know how a wolf girl feels when they say they are Actually Feral because that's how i feel rn 💀#even I'M not immune to the idea that the things i suffer from are things that can Disappear Magically 😭#it's wishful thinking and almost like... imposter syndrome because you're *so* desperate to prove to yourself you're Fine or A Faker#and you become hyperfixated on picking every tiny little waxing and waning of symptoms like you're a fortune teller#and honestly it's really stiffling and it's a lot of work to kill the cop in your head that says you are secretly Not All That Affected...#...that you're either exaggerating to the Extreme or you're just a bored faker who's trying to Get Attention (bad somehow)
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MAN I'm seriously so sad about season 2. Bc I wish act 2 had the same emotional impact on me as it appears to have on so many others. But rn I'm just somewhere between unable to care and actively annoyed by some of those writing decisions. Seriously the more I think about it the less I like it.
#act 3 come through please 🙏#I don't think it can salvage some of the things I have contentions with but still... please...#don't ask me about the silco vander flashback with jinxs + vis mom#or the bizzare choice to do so much of the storytelling through this weird music video format they've got going on#completely stripping it of the weight these plot beats could've had if they were... normal scenes#and also missing the point of how the music was used in season 1 and what made it so effective#bc it was complementary to instead of replacing the storytelling#seriously don't ask me about these things I will spontaneously implode on the spot#whyyyyy would they recontextualize season 1 like this with that flashback#to me it kind of ruins the character dynamics and themes in s1. it just makes me so sad you have no idea#also what even are they doing with Jinx rn for real#aaarghhhh just... so many things that are making me scratch my head#also I'm so terribly sorry but I could not care less about Isha sorry lol#like i get that its sad conceptually but she was such a non-character that i struggle to feel impacted at all#same with sky tbh. i thought her role in s1 was alright but there is so much emotional weight put on her now#in terms of her relationship to Viktor but that was barely established so it's weird to have her around#and clearly you're supposed to care but they haven't given me much reason to#isha and sky were non-characters just there to die to further the development of other characters#they didn't really have anything going on on their own and that's just a type of character and plot device that does nothing for me#also i thought the war between zaun and piltover + internal struggles in zaun bc silcos gone would be the main focus#but that stuff seems so sidetracked rn#also sorry i dont like what they did with vander and warwick either. that man should've stayed dead lol#it honestly just makes his death feel less impactful and i dont know what this is supposed to do for the story or the themes???#that just feels like a pointless plotline that is taking up time that could've been spent on other things#i just... i could go on like this for a while like there are so many things that just puzzle me#it's so weird considering how tight and thematically consistent season 1 was#let's see where act 3 goes but... i kinda have a bad feeling about it ngl#obv im glad others are enjoying it and this is just my opinion! also a lot of this are probs just my personal tastes anyway#arcane spoilers
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good morning i can't stop thinking about my gf telling me my body was made to be worshipped as she kissed down my stomach and thighs end me end me end me end me end me end me en
#she's impossibly hot and the things she says make my brain melt#i apologized for making positions difficult bc i can't put pressure around my ribs rn so she couldn't support herself on top of me smoothly#and she literally pinned my arms down and told me i have nothing to apologize for and she just wants to make me feel good#and she doesn't want to cause me any of this kind of pain (wink) so she wants to know what would hurt so she doesn't do it#and i just#swooned#so simple to be accommodated but the first time i have to ask for an accommodation during sexy time i always feel a lot of ways#but also for her to like assertively say 'no i'm taking care of you tell me how to do it best'#swoons even harder#literally just put me in my place and tell me you're doing something for me bc you know i need/want it but just can't 'accept' the help#it's a secret hack that lets my brain let other people do things for me/cater to me if you just take it by force fyi#cnc: soft gentle head from your gf edition#hikey#j ☀️
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It's always a bit heartbreaking when you find that your authentic, unmasked self isn't as palatable to others compared to your masked persona, especially when it's friends and loved ones that assured you that they enjoy and love you as you are.
#cherry rambles#adhd things#nd things#neurodivergency#just stuck in my head a bit too far#i know i can be a lot at times#i wouldnt expect anyone to enjoy every part of myself all the time#its normal to get annoyed by things or be irked#you dont have to like 100% of someone thats unrealistic tbh#but the specific realisation that people enjoy your masked self more than your unmasked self#esp for me who struggles with social cues and social norms bc i am in general a very chaotic and outspoken person#i ALWAYS “warn” people the kind of person i /could/ be outside my mask#for those i start to get closer to#they always say “its ok you can be yourself around me dont hold back”#and then i try unmasking and its Too Much for them#and i get it#i know im a lot#but being told its a safe space to unmask but then seeing them kinda regret it#kinda hurts a lot#like i told you in advance the kind of person i can be#i understand not everything is “palatable”#but to then see people i thought of as close friends start to distance themselves after i start unmasking hurts#like it proves a point in the worst way#that people cant tolerate my unmasked self#they can only “tolerate” me in “small doses”#which of course makes me less willing to unmask in the future#aflahdoab head thoughts are being terrible rn
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getting an iced pumpkin chai in the morning and then my personal goal is to spend the whole day writing and i hope i can come back to this post tomorrow and rb w how much progress i’ve made!!!
#i have a love/hate relationship w this fic and i’m gonna rant to myself bc hehe it’s almost midnight so why not :>#okay SO. i for some reason just didn’t create any proper outline for this story and i think that’s why it’s taken me so long to write it#because i don’t necessarily have a why/a REASON for this story or plot… like even thinking abt doing the dialogue and trying to find flow +#cohesion is making me so 😐 and also honestly… i’m terrible at doing drafts in the first place#i don’t write linearly i jump all over the place while writing and SOMETIMES i can connect things but this time i could NOT#and i would focus on one tiny part for SO long and make no progress anywhere else like GIRL……… ENOUGH#but hmmmm yeah i also for some reason feel like esp w my writing it’s super robotic and doesn’t have emotion#like i’m not writing w suguru’s voice and instead i’m writing as the author and it’s kinda irking me#if that makes sense… hmmmm……….. also i might be doing dual pov so hopefully it doesn’t look too wonky#but yeah 😭 i need to work on scene setting & describing things effectively + doing show not tell#like i just made a mini outline rn and wow . it’s Not it at all 😭😭😭 there’s no WHY to the story and it’s making it hard to write#okay not necessarily a ‘why’ but like . What’s The Point of the story#sigh. i need to figure that out#also there’s so much stuff i want to add but i feel like it’ll be clunky + it’ll move fast or be weird#but my goal for tomorrow is truly and honestly write the meat and bones of it and then i can edit ruthlessly later on#i was thinking of getting it out this week but i forgot election week/don’t have anything really written either 😭#but hopefully next week if i try hard enough! the goal is before december bc i want this to be a november fic#but yeah that’s my mini vent @ me i’m glad to just talk abt in the tags#feels like for this story specifically it’s been a lot of looking at my docs instead of writing which is WHACK 🤨#also i don’t like my writing style + i want to write better in GENERAL#that’ll come w practice & doing it often though 😭#ALSO . SIDENOTE but why does tumblr not let me link things anymore like NDNDNDND SO STUPID#OOOOH AND . i need to start/finish selfship moodboards & also create wip lists for geto/gojo/toji but for REAL#as in wipe i’ll actually plan to write next not just ones i like the sound of 😭#ANYWAYS I’M SO SLEEBY……… honk shoo mimimi cult leader geto please pat my head to sleep and be kind to me#GIRL THIS IS LONG AS HELL OMFG . silence @ me 🤫 what a YAPPER#personal
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#its crazy how much easier it is to do things when youre not completely miserable lol#this past week has been weird bc ive felt really really good and like normal in a way thats kinds unfathomable#im hoping its the medication but my mood was already on an upward tilt and i was told it would take like 6 weeks for the meds to work#property but like ive been sleeping way more than usual. and by that i literally just mean 8hrs a night lol which is weird for me#like that never ever ever happens multiple days in a row. so idk. when i feel better it makes the 0cd way easier to manage as well#and im just generally not as anxious. on the more worrisome side i kinda just give less of a fuck so like i have an exam im not ready for#Tuesday and im just kinda like hm fuck that lol. ill go thru lil fluctuations of having a lot of energy too#like: i could run around in circles rn. i dont have to but i could. like yesterday i was out with friends and i was like bouncing up and#down while standing and rocking from side to side while sitting. which i kinda do anyway while in crowds but it was more to expend energy#last night i also got like 5hrs of sleep. so like maaaaybe ive been on the bleeding edge of mood elevation but for the most part it just#feels good and not destructive. like if i felt like this all the time that would b fantastic. its like oh so this is y ppl dont long to b#put out of their misery lol. depression? who? i dont kno her. sounds fake. but as soon as i fucking say that ill b fucking slapped back#down to earth. ugh. annoying. no emotional object permanence. i hope its the meds. if this is the person i am under layers of misery then#that is fucking so insane. we shall see. im curious to hear what the psychiatrist thinks of my brain when i follow up with her#i gave her my full dys1exia assessment which gives a pretty good picture of how my head functions. oh fuck i bet i would do waaaayyy better#on thise test if i took it in this state of mind. but anyway she has that on top of like 3 assessment sheets i filled out#dispite everything i still want someone to categorize me into a discreet box. tell me doc. am i really bip0lar? really really?#ur sure??? like 1000% sure bc my brain wont let me accept that unless its beyond a reasonable doubt. i just doesn't seem that serious.#i mean. it is but like ya kno. its not that bad. ay. this glob of mush behind my eyes runs me in circles#but for now thats ok bc i feel like i could run up a mountain or punch someone in the face lol#unrelated
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i haven’t even been working at this place for 3 weeks before the universe decided to thrust another attractive man in my presence…. about to bang my head into the goddamn wall
#my first full time job so we will be seeing each other a LOT#not sure why he’s in my head rent free rn i have to fight the urge to smack my head in retaliation#VERY hesitant on workplace romance this shit is scaring me lowkey😭 second instance of this there was another guy at my last job too#that would stare at me all the time#ran into each other all the time talked once…. blabbed to friends about him that man was GONE right after i was gonna ask for his number#he came back when i was over it then disappeared again#maybe if i blab again the same thing might happen??😭 kind of fucked up that i can’t even confide in ppl though#I’m just left to be trapped in my mental prison reeling and losing my mind and seeing this man behind my eyelids every once in a damn while
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goddamnit. am i actually having a sexuality epiphany because i'm recognizing myself in a fictional cringefail vampire man. you gotta be kidding me
#in my defense being both on the ace spectrum AND hypersexual is a bit of a confusing thing to experience#maybe i'll feel different abt it later but for rn i think that explains a LOT#for real this explains why i don't care about sex 90% of the time but when i do it's like going 0 to 100 in .2 seconds#oh my god. oh my fucking god i used to think gray asexuality was silly bc 'everyone feels that way' oh my GOD i'm a fucking idiot#head in hands bro. cannot believe i was that fucking stupid as a teenager. i was THAT CLOSE to getting it 😮💨#i should talk to my therapist abt this... i haven't talked to anyone abt my hypersexuality ever bc its such a stigmatized symptom but damn#i'm not gonna blame my bipolar for this or anything but damn did it make this possible answer SO much more obscured in my mind#like... damn. i feel so flabbergasted by this#i keep saying damn in the tags. dude this revelation has rendered me without the proper words to convey my emotions.........#i'm gonna be fine but rn i feel all kinds of off kilter from this realization. and i'm still doubting it even so! but it would make SO much#sense!!!!!! ugh i haven't questioned any aspect of my sexuality in earnest in years i genuinely forgot how much it sucks#like yeah there's relief maybe? but also just confusion and annoyance abt my past blindness#god. this is a huge tag ramble i think i'm gonna stop talking now#len speaks
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ik its annoying to hear the advice “yoga will cure your depression” but the thing is that closing your eyes and focusing on your breathing and moving your body a bit in a way thats not punishing (like doing cardio) or meant to build up sweat necessarily, but instead moving it in an understanding way and only pushing yourself until its comfortable does help. Like I sometimes forget too but when getting depressed taking care of the very basics, like breathing, drinking enough water, eating enough and well, cleaning my body and yes moving at least a little are SO important. And after a while sure you might enjoy other more “punishing” or sweaty things but they are an acquired taste.
same goes for the touch grass advice tbh. or the go outside one. does not have to be a specific place just go somewhere where there is something green and some air. go stand under a tree on the street where your apartment is or some shit. bc its not about the place itself or being outside necessarily but instead not spending all your time in a small consigned space and about looking at something green. taking your mind off of whatever is bouncing around in there and just look at a plant. its good i prommy and it does not have to be structured
#quenthel special#ever since i started realizing im nb i started to think more abt my body as part of myself rather than something i simply inhabit#i said this before but its helping me a lot to learn how to love myself better eventho im struggling incredibly hard#but i think anyone who is struggling to like their body should listen to old people and trans people and people who#dont fit the current beauty standards talk about their body and desire and what they do with their body or how#and how they talk about their body too... it puts things into perspective#also dark souls is making me think abt bodies too and my body too...#my transgender dark souls article in the making in my own head but#i wont post it bc it would be way too revealing... more revealing than my personal posts where i just ramble#also the new dunmeshi chapter... made me think abt this too.. doing stuff that hurts at first or is very uncomfortable etc.. its important#kind of eased my gate opening crisis too that im experiencing rn
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Legit question: would it be weird to tell someone
“It makes me happy to know you exist”
Bc like… that’s a sentiment I feel a lot esp when I don’t have the ability to interact as much as I’d like to with people but I see them living their lives and it gives me deeply good feelings
Like regardless of whether we cross paths I know you well enough to appreciate you’re part of the universe and that fact brings me joy
Like is that inappropriate in any way?
#personal#super you can ignore this#im probably not gonna say it either way bc it’s awkward#I’m not even high rn I just have a lot of emotions#like I just sometimes really want to let people know how great it is they’re alive and being who they are#but I don’t know how to express that in a way that actually communicates that#especially when it’s like not tied to any specific behaviour or relationship or expectation#I’m going through it and I have really low social capacity and it’s really getting to me#I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable or wonder what I’m trying to accomplish by being like really intense#what are boundaries? why are they so adaptive? how do you express love that isn’t asking for anything in return?#idk#it also feels like I ask this kind of thing too much but that’s also potentially in my head#I don’t actually need reassurances I just wanted to put it out there#like… maybe… maybe instead of saying it directly I can express this in a way where people don’t feel the need to interact with it#unless THEY choose to#no pressure#yeah… that’s maybe the middle ground here#so I can stop fucking thinking about it without directly making it anyone else’s problem#anyway if you see this and read all this shit and we’ve ever interacted I mean you#good job existing (sincere)#the world is better with you in it 😊
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Currently battling with some psychological barriers regarding posting my art on here but just know that the piece I'm working on currently is a banger and I am excited to share it w you guys
#ramblings of a lunatic#ofc then there's the fear that ppl wont match your energy w/ their engagement but also#i feel. dumb for caring? bc im a staunch believer that youre under no obligation to like/rb certain things#I'm just paranoid bc all my last few toh art pieces have gone. overlooked? ig??#i shouldn't put so much stock in ppl interacting with my stuff for sure but at this moment in time i don't know how to stop#I'm getting better about making art for myself but i still do want to share some (if not most) of it#ofc then there's also the mental pressure I've invented that bc fandoms tend to wind down after a show ends (boooo!)#that means i have an arbitrary time limit on when i can get all my ideas out and post things#which is DUMB!!!! THAT'S STUPID!!!!! but I'm still struggling to internalize that it's not Real#OUGH. there's a whole lot goin on in my head rn#swamped with school but also I'm really close to finishing all my coursework#the general low level anxiety and concern that goes on in the back of my mind at all times#the fact that despite all the pre-grieving I've done I'm STILL not done being upset abt the owl show ending#I'm fighting low level demons rn but like. there's a few. 3-4 imps#but like i said even if ppl don't like/see the next bit of art i post i think I'll still be proud of it? deep down??? somewhere???????????#i kind of have to be for my own sanity. lmao <3#anyway april 1st is almost over where i am. goodbye april fools hello dread
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Ok no I LIED I'm going to rant about him lovingly in the tags even more
#ok I'm so caught in my affectionate feels rn BUT I need to shout my appreciation for him out to the world#he does so many little things that I just ADORE#the way he says honey. hear me out. he's from north Louisiana but he has a very southern twang in his voice when he says it#and it's just so so so so so adorable#and the fluffiest hair. oh my god#he has. just like. a Heap of Hair on his head and that's wonderful news for ME bc ME LOVE HAIR TEXTURE A LOT#I like to put my hands in his hair and just shake it around and/or massage his scalp bc it's so nice to touch#speaking of hands. it's so cute to see him process the size difference in our hands#his hands are like an inch or 2 bigger than mine and everytime we're holding hands:#he says 'dude. why are your hands so small' and we have a fake debate about his hands being big vs my hands being small#(both statements are true and neither of us would like to admit it)#I mentioned this in the last post but our heights are perfect together#he's just tall enough to wrap his arms around my waist and for me to put my arms around his neck without hurting myself#we're also just about the right heights to do that cute couple thing where one person lays their chin on the other's head#and that's so wholesome to me#those are all just physical attributes too don't even get me STARTED on his personality (I'm already started)#he is so kind to me. like yeah that's basic human decency. I know. but like. He gets worried abt me and I'm flattered by that#like when I'm acting even remotely upset he goes 'are you okay 👁👁 is there anything I can do to help' and that's SO SWEET#he's also incredibly loving on most days. I remember one of the first times I'd stayed over I had an 8 AM the next day#and from the bed he went 'I really wish you could stay <:( ' MY HEART. LIKE. AWWWW#back to his physical appearance bc I forgot to mention: HIS PRETTY ASS EYES#OKOK SO he has fucking HAZEL EYES. super pretty dark dreen with flecks of brown and gold#holy fuck. I mean like. OUGHSBSB#I was looking into his eyes one night and they were a gorgeous emerald green#the next day in the sun? PRETTY ORANGE AND YELLOW COLORS#ok had to make sure to mention that bc I love his eyes sm#anyways#ack I gotta try to sleep soon but. this has been my 2nd infodump abt him#god I love him sm#hi justin 🫶
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well I finished it. you know someone in one of my classes the other day was talking about how the final edit of this show cut out a fair amount of content for the sake of sticking to netflix’s time limit and how you can kind of just Feel that void when you watch it. and i understand now
#like I can’t pinpoint specific scenes/plotlines/whatever off the top of my head rn (my brain is broken now)#but just generally. especially and specifically with the final episode. there’s something lacking and you can feel it#not lacking as in the show being lacking in general- the show’s a fucking masterpiece no doubt about that#but like. the aftermath was so short and kind of cryptic#in a way where you’d absolutely think they’re setting it up for some sort of continuation but. from what im aware they’re not. so#I mean not for this story anyway#but yeah like? hello? the city looks like THAT and im supposed to accept that as a solid ending???#can I have closure????? please??????#ok ok ok ok I fully understand there are CERTAIN things that should be cryptic and I don’t even particularly want answers for#namely jayvik’s Situation. I like that being extremely incredibly open ended. it makes sense. literally no one could possibly know where#they ended up. if they ended up anywhere at all. if it’s another dimension. if they transcended mortality. idk fucking reincarnation.#honeymoon in fiji. becoming one with the arcane. i like to think the honeymoon thing but you know#anyway point is I get something like that being open ended and to a degree I get the decision not to show the entire city being rebuilt and#everyone’s fates in the long run and etc. though again that makes it really feel like they left that room on purpose for future content#but uhhh yeah. ekko’s a big one when it comes to feeling that void. like there had to have been more to his parts that were cut out because#god he was THAT important and didn’t even get to say a proper goodbye to jinx. we didn’t see him talk to her prior to the battle. he just#ends up sitting alone. not even with vi or anyone who IS left like oh I don’t know the COMMUNITY HE BUILT#he’s just sitting there!!!!!!!!!!!!!#at least he’s not dead. at least he’s not dead. augsghh#uhhhhh yeah so. that was that. fuck.#you know what got me at the end (as in post-battle). seeing Jayce’s mom at the ceremony honoring the dead#like fuck that hits like a truck. oh YEAH. he has a MOTHER who LOVES him. and he just. is as good as dead to her. he presumably hadn’t#spoken to her in months– years possibly through his perspective#and then he’s just Gone. graahhhahghhhhhhhh#I have a lot of thoughts I have so many thoughts im going to disintegrate#kibumblabs#arcane
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Idk if yall can tell but I’m in a mood today about writing.
#today has actually been a lot#I’m off my anxiety meds for a few reasons so I’m anxious#and so I’ve been clenching my jaw all day which makes my face hurt which makes my head hurt#today was a slog#and I’m having to do a clean install for bg3#praying that it works so I can play again I miss gale#I want to write more Lia and Gale but I also kind of want to let it breathe for a bit#also I need to write a couple things for side to side#but yeah not feeling great about my writing rn#it’s the anxiety and bipolar and also the imposter syndrome
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feel free to ignore this if you don't wanna but like, if you've got a ko-fi or something, toss me the link~ want to send you something for ya to go get garrus or similar as a treat. :) (no reason, you've just been a dear on my tags and i'd like to pay it forward~)
I do have one; I've dusted it off a little over here! (https://ko-fi. com/reignition)
It's incredibly sweet of you to offer... Please don't feel obligated to (I don't want anyone to feel like they owe me something), but know I'm already very touched by the thought and it means a lot to me already.
Love to see your work, also; no need to pay anything anywhere—meeting someone new with such a love for an old fave of mine is honestly lovely enough!!
#Things are painfully hectic over here right now and I've been a bit out of it—sorry if my tone is a little stiff.#but I do mean it that it means a lot to me to even hear the offer. I still longingly look at the silly Garrus duck or figure but jus havent#been able to willingly bite the bullet and nab it.. missed the first PO period.. my head's everywhere rn.#When I can sit down again I still want to read YRMR and another friend's fic...#wait for me garrus. yrmr. cipher. aaaaaaaaaaaaa#armour clanking#my asks#walonvaus#<- I don't know if you wanted this answered privately but I can make it so if you prefer!#Im kind of doubling this post as a general 'things have been weird and difficult lately. please pardon the stiffness' update..
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