#kind of insane that i used to think this was normal
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sunderwight · 23 hours ago
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Luo Binghe needs to make better friends with Shang Qinghua, because Shang Qinghua's the one person who would know how to get Shen Qingqiu to top Binghe in bed.
Like if Binghe ever got to the friendliness level of actually bemoaning the situation, Shang Qinghua would be like, oh yah no problem leave it to daddy I got this for you. And then he'd go visit Shen Qingqiu and be all, so how's the sex life going?
After Shen Qingqiu finished yelling at him for asking the question, he'd of course provide some details -- which Shang Qinghua would translate out of Cucumber-ese into Normal Person Speak for concepts like "I'm a huge size queen so I'm really enjoying that WMD you gave your protagonist" and "I haven't figured it out yet but I really need to start using a better quality of lube" and etc, until there was an opening for him to get in the question of, has Shen Qingqiu topped Luo Binghe yet? Has he plumbed the depths of his heavenly love cave?
Which would probably inspire a two minute rant about the euphemism before Shen Qingqiu is finally like, of course I haven't topped, are you insane, I would never besmirch the dignity of an alpha male like that!
Shang Qinghua nods and hums thoughtfully and delivers the critical strike:
"Yeah, I guess he isn't really pretty enough to bottom."
Shen Qingqiu's expression goes through several different flavors of emotion before settling on "outrage". What the fuck, Airplane? Not pretty enough? Who gave him that face? What is that face if not "pretty"? Maybe some more advanced versions of the same concept, but that's the only case you could make, the case that it's actually "beautiful" or "gorgeous" or something because "pretty" is just too inadequate to describe it! You'd dare imply Binghe is ugly?! Is it crack that you're smoking?
Shang Qinghua just shrugs and goes well no the face department is probably not bad for that kind of thing, it's really more the body that's unsuitable. All those muscles and all, who wants to see those kinds of curves underneath them? And that ass. Totally inadequate for the job. He doesn't really blame Cucumber-bro for finding the whole prospect too unpleasant to contemplate! (Says man who regularly tops Mobei Jun, but it's not like Shen Qingqiu has figured that out, man's firmly stuck on yaoi tropes that say Airplane always bottoms because he's shorter.)
This, of course, inspires a fifteen minute rant on why Luo Binghe's ass is the most attractive ass ever, and all Shang Qinghua has to do is imply that if that were actually true, Shen Qingqiu would have had his husband bent over a bench at least once by now. And he's done it. This conversation can now only end with Shen Qingqiu storming off in a fit of righteous fury to go grab his husband and prove his point by bridal-carrying him into the bedroom and not coming back out until he's won the argument by ravishing Luo Binghe beyond a doubt.
Shen Qingqiu would be halfway through smugly informing Shang Qinghua that Binghe was the best lay ever the next day before it would even occur to him that he'd been had.
But Luo Binghe's too bad at making friends to ever unlock this feature, I think.
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pkrbs · 18 hours ago
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These are such insane things to say? Male socialization is on every male, the idea that someone does or says x thing because they secretly want to fuck them is a misogynist and male self centered thought. Why is it okay to trans women to say these kind of comments without repercussion? It's both pathetic and disheartening how normalized is to say such things to women. They are aware, atleast that's what I think. They can project their fantasies into women and turn the conversation into something sex related AND still be accepted unlike the woman who shows discomfort at such sexist ideas.
Plus, "hotter than you"... Give me a break. The way some trans women reply "I'm hotter/prettier than you" or implying that we are jealous of them is reinforcing misogyny and degrade women. Our discomfort doesn't matter because we don't satisfy the patriarchal stereotypes it has been put over us? What does "being hot" has to do in this conversation, anyway? Is womanhood to them just look pretty or hot? What the fuck?
Look what this dude said to me on tiktok. He made up a whole scenario in his head and projected his porn addiction onto me. He legit thinks he's a lesbian 🤣
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wilhelminyard · 1 day ago
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part 2 of the foxes insulting people to their face without giving a single fuck :
WYMACK :
"I'm not here to offer you kind words and pats on the back"
"some people are just hardwired to be stupid"
"neil is a walking tragedy" "you're a pretty pathetic sob story yourself"
NEIL :
"you make me uncomfortable because you don't make sense. I don't understand you"
"I can't stand you"
"I'm remembering why I don't like you"
"what I'd like is to put this phone through your teeth"
"you know, I get it. being raised as a superstar must be really, really difficult for you. always a commodity, never a human being, not a single person in your family thinking you're worth a damn off the court - yeah, sounds rough. kevin and I talk about your intricate and endless daddy issues all the time. I know it's not entirely your fault that you are mentally unbalanced and infected with these delusions of grandeur, and I know you're physically incapable of holding a decent conversation with anyone like evey other normal human being can, but I don't think any of us should have to put up with this much of your bullshit. pity only gets you so many concessions, and you used yours up about six insults ago. so please, please, just shut the fuck up and leave us alone."
"do you understand?" "yeah I understand you're a complete asshole"
"I can give you my number" "what for? [...] I wouldn't call you"
"you're not part of that family, remember? you're the cast-off"
"you are all insane"
"you are one seriously fucked-up individual"
ANDREW :
"kevin, kevin. so predictable. so pathetic."
"maybe he is afraid she'll die on him like the last woman he really loved"
"newsflash nicky: neil isn't normal" "this is beyond abnormal" "I am standing right here and I can hear you"
"you have this way of making people want to kill you"
"who am I supposed to call?" "nicky, coach, the suicide hotline, I don't care"
"you could occasionally grow a spine. I know it's a difficult concept for someone whose kneejerk reaction is to run away at the first sight of trouble, but try it sometime. you might actually like it."
"you don't have any room to judge other people's problems"
"sometimes you're interesting enough to keep around. other times you're so astoundingly stupid I can barely stand the sight of you"
"sometimes I forget you are sharper than you look"
"you and I both know you have a dreadful sense of humor so this can't be a joke"
KEVIN :
"hear that kevin? your sub said you're incompetent" "his opinion doesn't matter to me"
"you are a fucking idiot"
MATT :
"one day I want you to look up 'insensitivity' in the dictionary I'm sure it'll do your ego wonders to see your picture printed there beside it"
"would it kill you to smile when no one's paying you to?"
"no one wants you here"
AARON :
"I'm going to pretend I don't know you"
"we don't socialize with you"
DAN :
"we would make a drinking game out of it but we don't want to die of alcohol poisoning" "yeah that'd be a shame"
"I have serious concerns about your academic standings"
"hope you feel that one for a while you lowlife asshole"
NICKY :
"*points at kevin* there's a sucker born every minute"
"shut up, sour face. save your grouching for the ride back and stop spoiling our moment of glory"
"we all know kevin's as bratty as they come"
"you can be a real jerk sometimes"
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sleepyparalysisdmon · 3 days ago
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Orbit - Act Three
Y/N has a little problem and it’s that she’s literally never alone. She hasn’t known what a little peace and quiet is for nearly a decade. When her therapist suggests a wellness retreat, she expects to be bored to death and just maybe learn to like meditation a little bit. She does not expect to meet someone that she has an insane connection with. Too bad it might be too good to be true.
You can find the masterlist here. 
Genre: medium au, a hint of soulmate au, heavy on the angst 
Pairing: Minghao x reader (featuring therapist!Jeonghan, best friend!Junhui, and ghost!Vernon, with a tiny bit of coworker!Seungkwan)
TW/CW: *deep breath* a lot of discussion of death and moving on (or not) afterwards, grief, trauma (specifically regarding a car accident), therapy, meditation, hypnosis, sleep disturbances, psychic abilities, discussion of mental illness and treatments, and explicit smut. MDNI. 
There are some difficult topics in this story and they are handled as delicately as possible, but proceed with caution if anything here might be upsetting.
Word count: 8.4k
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Minghao watches the snow fall outside. He’s physically relaxed, lost in thought. It kind of feels like how he drifts in his sleep, but he’s awake. He’s just… not with it today. This time of year bothers him. He’s far away from family and won’t be able to visit this year, meaning he’s left with his thoughts. 
“Minghao?” He snaps back into his body, looking at Jeonghan, who looks patient but a little concerned. His notebook is already on the table. “You look a little lost today.”
“Sorry,” Minghao clears his throat. “What were you saying?”
“I was asking how things are going with that woman. Y/N, wasn’t it?” 
His heart races and it’s both a good and bad thing. It’s now been a couple months since he started dating you and he’s still head over heels. You seem to be too. But he’s sort of feels like he’s living a double life lately. 
“She’s good. Things are good.”
Jeonghan raises an eyebrow. “Where’s the stupid grin that you normally wear when you talk about her?” Minghao opens his mouth but then thinks better of it and closes it. Jeonghan purses his lips, glancing at his watch. He doesn’t have to remind Minghao that he’s shut down early. He just knows. “Trouble in paradise?”
“No!” Jeonghan’s eyebrows shoot up at Minghao’s knee-jerk reaction. Minghao tries to recover, if only a little. “I mean, it’s fine. Great, even.”
“But?” Jeonghan trails off. When Minghao doesn’t respond, Jeonghan uses his tried and true tactic. He tells you how you feel and he wants you to correct him. “It’s hard to let someone in, right? You seem like the type that might find it difficult.”
“I’m gonna throw more than a pillow at you.”
Jeonghan shrugs like he’s heard worse threats. “Am I wrong?”
“Yes,” Minghao insists hotly. “It’s not hard to let her in on 99% of things. It’s actually very easy.”
Jeonghan gives him an irritatingly easy smile. “Right. Soulmates and all.” Minghao’s fingers grip the pillow in his lap at the way he says ‘soulmates’ like it’s entertainment. It’s not entertainment to Minghao. It’s soul-crushing in the best way possible. “Tell me, what could you possibly not tell your soulmate of all people? What’s in that 1%?”
“Oh, I don’t know. Maybe the astral projection. She’ll probably look at me like I’m crazy,” Minghao avoids. 
Jeonghan looks highly entertained, leaning back and smirking. “What, is she not a believer in that sort of thing?”
“No,” Minghao grates, already growing frustrated with the conversation. “The astral projection itself wouldn’t be a big deal.”
“Then what is?” Jeonghan presses, curiosity evident.
Minghao groans, squeezing his eyes shut. “It would make me sound crazy.”
“Do you realize where you are? That’s what I’m here for,” Jeonghan deadpans. 
“Fine,” Minghao huffs impatiently, pressing his fingers into his throbbing temples. He hates thinking about this. “How would I tell her that the first time I met her wasn’t at the retreat?”
Jeonghan tilts his head to the side, looking kind of perplexed. “I’m gonna need more than that.”
Minghao opens his mouth and words just start to fall out. It’s long winded and rambling and probably makes no sense. When Minghao falls silent, Jeonghan is quiet for a long time, a weird expression on his face as he looks outside at the snow. It makes Minghao snort. “Told you it sounds crazy. You’ve thought so since I told you about the wellness retreat.”
Jeonghan shakes his head vehemently. “Oh no. I believe you. Don’t take my silence as doubt.” His smile turns wry. “It’s not exactly what I trained to deal with, you know?” Minghao thinks he looks like he has a million questions, but he starts with, “when did that start?”
Minghao shrugs though he knows exactly how long it’s been, almost right down to the minute. “Ten years ago or so.” 
Jeonghan’s interest is piqued. “Was there a catalyst? Or it just happened one day?”
“There was a catalyst. I’d really like to not talk about that.” 
Minghao is kind of surprised when Jeonghan backs off. At least from direct questions, anyway. “And what exactly keeps you from telling her any of this? Do you think she would judge?” 
Minghao immediately shakes his head. “No. Like I said, she wouldn’t be fazed about the astral projection. She’s got her own things going on. It’s the… other stuff that I’m worried about.” 
Jeonghan pins him with a look that is strangely stern for someone who is supposed to be calm and relatively impartial. “So she’s told you her secrets, but you can’t tell her yours? That’s a pretty big double standard, Minghao.”
“It’s not just one piece that I’m worried about,” Minghao bites. “I’m worried about the other ones that fall like dominos when I let her in on one.”
Jeonghan must recognize that he won’t be getting anywhere on that path today, because he chews the inside of his cheek for a second. “Fine. The thing is, if she finds out without you being the one to tell her intentionally, it could upset her. You should think about it.” Minghao feels more sober than he ever has in his life. Jeonghan doesn’t let him linger. “Tell me more about the astral projecting.”
He answers but his mind is on other things. 
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You’re restless. So restless, in fact, that you feel bad for keeping Minghao up. You’re at his apartment tonight, but there’s very little hope of sleeping, so you leave him in bed and go to the living room, curling up under a blanket and turning on the TV. 
This time of year is hard. Historically, your mood hasn’t been great anyway, but it majorly tanks by now every year. Maybe there’s some seasonal depression - or just straight up year round clinical depression, but there’s a heaviness that follows you like a black cloud each year the moment snow hits the ground. After all, it’s just a week before the anniversary of the accident. Jeonghan says that kind of mood shift would be normal for anyone, but you think he was trying to soften the blow right before he tells you he wants you to go back to the psychiatrist, this time for anti-depressants or the like. You have something scheduled but you don’t know if you’ll show up for that.
And your mood had been good. Worlds better than previous years thanks to Minghao’s presence in your life. He gives so much warmth to you that sometimes you feel a little undeserving. You’ve noticed his mood is a little off this time of year too, and he admits it’s because he’s so far from family. You do your best to match his warmth, but you don’t know how well you do at that. But even with him next to you, you could still feel the black cloud hovering over your head and you fear you’re bringing him down too. 
You like staying at Minghao’s apartment. It’s peaceful, far more peaceful than your own apartment sometimes. It might be because of how far into the metaphysical stuff he leans. He’s got the incense and oils and crystals, you name it. You wonder if maybe he bought some of them for you, but you haven’t been brave enough to ask. You still don’t have a lot of that stuff in your own apartment, if only because you want to get a handle on this thing without relying on all the tools.
Still, that peace you feel in his apartment means you eventually doze off on the couch to reruns on the TV. You actually dream this time and it feels like reliving what you and Minghao jokingly call your first date - the night drive to look at the stars. That brings a lot of peace too, remembering how you realized you were in love with him that night. You were honest when you told him nothing would ever compare. 
You wake up slowly, but your body wakes up even slower. You’re staring at Minghao’s TV as you lay on your side, but you can’t move a muscle. Just like every time you experience sleep paralysis, you feel that slice of fear. But there’s nobody in front of you asking for anything this time. So you will your heart to stop racing. You don’t know how long it will take to come out of this, but all you have to do is wait. 
As the panic fades, you realize you’re hearing whispering. 
“You’re such an asshole,” one voice snaps.
“And you’re totally innocent here. Right,” another voice bites.
“I don’t understand why you’re hanging on to this secret. It would actually make a difference for you.” You feel your stomach flip because both of these voices sound a little familiar in your hazy mind. 
“Then it leads right to your secret, which you’re holding onto with an iron fist. Which is stupid, by the way, in case I didn’t tell you that already.”
“It matters because you’ve been visiting her like this for years! I can’t see the line that goes out the door. You can.”
“And how would she handle that, Vernon? She’d run the opposite direction. It doesn’t matter if I can’t help it because it’s creepy.”
“Creepy to check up on someone that you have a connection with? Do you remember who we’re talking about here? That would be the least of her concerns.”
This voice hisses, intense anger pouring into the sound. “Stop calling it a connection. It was an accident! It has nothing to do with what we’re like now. It’s not why I’m with her.”
“It has everything to do with it, Minghao. Why do you think I’m still here? If you could just get your shit together, maybe I could leave.”
“Will you stop blaming me for that? I take the blame for the accident. I don’t take the blame for keeping you here. That’s on you!”
“And I think she’d like to know that you had something to do with the accident that ruined her life too.”
The moment your body unfreezes, you spring up, breathing jaggedly. Vernon and Minghao are across the room and they both spin to you at the sound. Vernon looks normal to you, but Minghao looks… not quite right, like he’s fuzzy in quality. They both looked panicked. Then you blink and they’re gone. 
You bury your face in your hands, the jagged breathing getting worse. You hear the bedroom door fly open and you jump up, brushing past Minghao in the hallway. 
“Y/N, please let me explain.”
“No,” you grate out, swiftly changing clothes. You start stuffing your things into your bag with more speed and aggression than necessary, but you can’t wait to get out of here.
“Y/N? I’ll explain everything, please just stop and give me a minute.”
In the middle of stuffing things in your bag, you glare at him over your shoulder, angry tears rolling. “Tell me, how long did you know? Was it the moment you saw me at the retreat and you just casually forgot to mention that you had a hand in ruining my life?”
“It’s not like that!” Minghao cries out. “I wanted to say something but I didn’t know how to.”
“But you didn’t say something. You let me pour my heart out that first night of the retreat without batting an eye.” You laugh humorlessly. “And now I know why! You already knew everything, didn’t you? The accident, my stupid fucking gift, how fucked in the head I’ve been for the last ten years. It’s all looking so clear now. That stupid connection wasn’t even real, was it?”
“It doesn’t matter if I knew anything. I let you come to me.” You can tell he’s building up some anger, but you have almost a decade of it built up to match. “And you know that connection was real. You felt it too. I know you did.”
“You let me come to you and you tried to fix me. Did it make you feel better?” You sneer. “Did it make you feel better to try to undo everything? Did you feel a connection or did you just feel less guilty?”
“You act like you’re the only one that was hurt in that accident. I lost Vernon in that accident. And I haven’t had a normal fucking night of sleep since then.”
“And you had every opportunity to open up about it and bond with me over that, and you didn’t. You let me feel like a freak that needed all the help in the world from you when we could have been commiserating instead.” He doesn’t have anything to say about that, a blend of anger and devastation on his face when he looks at you from across the room. You wipe your face angrily. “I should have known all of this was too good to be true. I find someone that finally brings me some peace and I should have known that there was a reason behind it.”
You hike your bag up over your shoulder and brush past him out of his bedroom. He’s tugging you back by the arm and you want to curse, and scream, and maybe even hit him. But he lets go when you stop and glare up at him. “If you want to leave, fine. But let me drive you home. It’s the middle of the night.”
You let him get dressed and you lead the way out to his car. He drives to your apartment, glancing at you every now and then, not that you give him a single side eye. The silence is deafening in the car, nothing like the usual comfortable silence, and he’s barely put it in park when you’re flying out of your seat and slamming the car door behind you. 
You feel kind of numb by the time you get into your apartment and lock the door behind you. There will be no going back to sleep tonight. You think about watching TV, but you were doing that earlier before you heard that little secret. You think about sitting outside on your balcony, but you and Minghao have done that too many times. So you go to your bathroom and run a hot bath. You stay in it until it’s ice cold and you need a warm shower to stop shaking. 
You hate this time of year, yes. But this year is the worst you’ve ever felt. 
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You call out of work for the week, saying that you think you have the flu. It’s a believable story, because something like that has been going around the office. And you might as well have the flu because you stay in bed and go through boxes upon boxes of tissues. In fact, that’s what gets Junhui to come over. 
He calls one afternoon to check in and can tell by the sound of your voice that something is wrong. He’s been around for more than a decade, so he knows what you’re like this time of year. But he treads extra lightly this time, asking if you need anything. You simply say, “tissues”. 
When he gets there with your tissues amongst other things, he must realize that it’s much worse than normal and you feel bad that he’s sort of tiptoeing around you. But you’ve had a steady stream of tears for days and must look like a mess and there’s no covering it up. Jun simply gives you a hug, demands that you finish an entire glass of water in front of him, and sends you off for a shower. 
When you come out, he hands you another glass of water and a bowl of stew. It takes you forever to eat because you can’t remember the last time you had anything and you kind of forgot how all of it works. He doesn’t look offended when you don’t finish it, simply packing away the leftovers for later. 
The thing about Junhui is that he doesn’t really ask questions. He just lets you be. It’s nice, really, something that you’ve always appreciated about him. You recognize that you’re the demanding one in this friendship, the one that constantly needs the help and support. And you can’t swallow the guilt anymore that you’ve paid him back for all of that patience and support by keeping secrets. 
You’ve tried not to think about your conversation with Minghao the night you rushed out of his apartment, but you’d very quickly realized how much of a hypocrite you were for criticizing him for keeping a secret. It’s not like you’d been open to him about everything. And he was a special case compared to others. Outside of Jeonghan, no one in your life knows what you really deal with. It’s not even about getting help or understanding from Junhui now. It’s that he’s been by your side this whole, unflinchingly helping you without really knowing what he’s dealing with and that’s unfair of you. 
So you sniffle and look at him from the other end of the couch. “Junhui, I need to tell you something.”
He nods. “Okay. What is it?” He’s always had an abundance of patience and it makes your heart hurt. 
So you tell him everything. It comes out more like word vomit, totally random and absolutely not in chronological order of any sort. You tell him about your abilities, and the sleep paralysis, and meeting Minghao, and Vernon, and how they’re both apparently connected to the accident, and how they both kept that a secret from you.
When you run out of words, Jun just takes a deep breath and nods, opening his arms for you to crawl into. You and Jun aren’t the touchiest of people together, but the offer of comfort brings more tears so you lean into his side and let him wrap his arms around you. “You must think I’m crazy,” you mumble against his shirt that’s quickly becoming damp. 
“No, I don’t. I always had a feeling there was something else you were dealing with, but I didn’t want to press.” He lays his head onto of ours, both of you staring ahead at the TV. “It kind of puts all the puzzle pieces together, honestly. Sometimes, you check out and it takes a long time for you to come back. It… makes some sense now. So no, you’re not crazy.”
You sigh, burrowing deeper into his chest. He tugs the blanket up, kind of cocooning you. “Thank you, but I still don’t know what to do with any of it.”
Jun thinks for a while, before finally saying, “Maybe you don’t do anything with your abilities. At least not right now. Just let it be.” He hesitates and you kind of stop breathing for fear of what he might say. “But maybe you shouldn’t let this thing with Minghao and Vernon sit.” He must feel how you tense against him and he rubs a hand up and down your arm comfortingly. “Think of it as closure, maybe. I’m not saying fix things with Minghao and get back together if you don’t want that. But, this situation seems to weigh on all three of you. Maybe it would help all of you to just clear the air and then see where you’re at.”
You don’t say anything because you don’t know if you could approach Minghao and you don’t think he’ll approach you. Not with the way you both left things the other night. And you don’t know if you’ll see Vernon again. He was always the one to seek you out and you don’t know how to seek him out even if you wanted to. 
The rest of the night passes quietly and Junhui stays when you ask. You don’t want to be alone right now. You laugh when you realize that, because that’s all you’d ever wanted for the last ten years. 
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Jeonghan calls you the morning of your next appointment and cancels. Actually, he fires you. You were silent, kind of stunned by the words, ‘I can’t treat you anymore’. 
But, to your surprise, he follows it up with a request to meet for coffee the next morning, which is a Saturday. You’re perplexed by the offer and even try to bring a little levity to it. “Jeonghan, are you asking me out?”
He had snorted into the phone. “No, Y/N. I can’t be your therapist anymore. But I can be your friend. That relationship has fewer limitations.”
You don’t know what that means, but you do your best to clean yourself up and meet him at the coffee shop. Jeonghan is already there in a corner booth when you arrive and he offers to get the coffee for both of you. When he comes back with it, he gives you the same wry smile that you would normally see in therapy. “So, I hear things have been rough lately.”
Your mind stalls out. Your appointments have been solely focused on your abilities. You don’t think you’ve even mentioned Minghao, and certainly haven’t had the opportunity to tell him about the blow up the other day. 
“How did you know that?” You whisper, fingers gripping the cardboard cup. 
He looks a little sheepish, or awkward, or uncomfortable. You aren’t quite sure. But he squirms in his seat the same way he’s called you out for thousands of times. “I have a confession to make and it will skirt around a lot of guidelines I’m supposed to follow.” You blink at him, fearing the worst. He sucks in a deep breath and then sighs. “I happen to know who you’ve been dating because he’s told me about it.”
Your brain freezes and your eyebrows pinch together because you’re totally confused. “You… know him? You treat him?”
He squirms again. “I can neither confirm or deny that, but… yes, I do know him. And I happen to know that you guys are on the outs right now.”
You lean back, arms crossed over your chest, pressing your lips together tightly. “Is that why you fired me? Because you… know both of us.” You watch your words, understanding now what he meant about skirting around guidelines. He can’t tell you if he treats Minghao.
“I fired you because I can’t help either of you without being able to admit that I know what the other side is going through. That’s actually been a difficult thing over the past few months, honestly. Not letting on to either of you. I’ve been playing dumb a lot and it’s driving me nuts.”
You don’t know what to do with this, really. You’d never considered that Jeonghan knew more about your life than what you talked about in therapy. “And what can you tell me now that you’re no longer treating me?”
He purses his lips, thinking for a minute, probably trying to filter his words to not get himself in trouble. “Naturally, anything mentioned in my office is off limits. But we can talk about what was said outside of my office. If you want to hear it, that is.”
You’re undeniably curious. Minghao might have kept secrets from you, but you wonder how direct he’d been with Jeonghan. “Did he tell you about the accident?”
Jeonghan picks at his coffee cup. “Eventually. Not that he needed to.” You give him a perplexed look. He sighs, digging into his bag and pulling out a manila folder. “I got curious after our first attempt at hypnosis when you gave a description of the other car, so I requested a copy of the police report. I was trying to validate the information you gave, but I discovered something else.”
He slides the folder to you and you don’t touch it right away, like it might burn you if you do. Jeonghan sips his coffee, waiting for you to work up the courage. When you finally do, flipping the folder open, the first page has your name at the top. And Minghao’s. And a Chwe Hansol. You wonder if that’s Vernon’s name. You’d never thought to ask, always assuming Vernon was it.
The words kind of blur for you, which frustrates you because you’d kind of hoped you were out of tears by now. But you can see the important things. No one was determined to be at fault for the accident, citing bad weather and slick roads. There was no indication that either driver was driving recklessly. It could have happened to anyone. There’s a description of the damage, with the phrase ‘images attached’, but when you go to flip the page, Jeonghan reaches out and stops you. “Maybe look at the rest later. You can take the folder.”
You close the folder slowly, placing your hands flat over top of it, kind of at a loss for words. Jeonghan gives you a long time, more than he ever has in therapy, probably because the clock isn’t ticking and your bill isn’t running up the longer you take to pull yourself together. When he gets the sense that you’re almost there, he speaks up again. 
“I’ll ask you the same thing I asked him. How are you feeling with all of this?”
“Hurt. A little naive. Guilty.”
“Guilty?” Jeonghan asks with a hint of shock. “What for?”
You rub your forehead because it’s starting to throb from all of this. “I may have reamed him out about keeping secrets when I was keeping my own.”
“And what were you keeping from him?”
You laugh humorlessly behind your hand. “It would make me sound crazy.”
“Y/N,” Jeonghan huffs. “How many times do I have to tell you I won’t think that?”
“I know, I know,” you wave off. “You find the term unethical or whatever. But it will sound crazy.” You lean back again, assuming your typical defensive position. “You know we met at the retreat?” Jeonghan nods. “Well, I had a hard time with yoga at one of the sessions. I was trying to sort through everything in my head and I must have missed when the instructor called the end of the session. Minghao touched me to check on me and everything went silent. Not a single voice except my own. It happens every time he touches me.” Jeonghan’s giving you a look that makes you have to look away. “Told you it’s crazy.”
“That’s,” Jeonghan pauses, laughing in a short burst, “actually the least crazy thing about all of this. It actually makes a lot of sense.”
You give him an incredulous look. “Jeonghan, you’re sounding crazy now. Do you have a therapist?”
He’s still chuckling to himself. “I can’t believe I didn’t think about that.” You call his name, losing patience. He shakes his head. “In psychology, there are terms such as shared trauma or collective trauma. Neither of them quite fit, but what you’re experiencing might be related. You guys bonded over this accident, whether you realized it or not. It seems like it was more of an unconscious thing. And… some strange things came out of it. Those strange things aren’t all that strange, actually. People report all the time that a guardian angel saved them in situations like that. In terms of consciousness, the accident connected you. Not just you and Minghao, but Vernon too.”
There’s so much to digest there, but you find yourself saying, “You know about Vernon?”
Jeonghan nods. “Not from you, of course. You didn’t tell me you had a regular visitor.”
You feel the overwhelm creeping up on you, so you bury your face in your hands, feeling so exasperated. “What do I do with all of this, Jeonghan?”
“You go talk to Minghao, and maybe Vernon when you’re ready to clear the air.”
The level of exhaustion that you feel when you pull your hands away from your face is massive. “I don’t know if either of them want to see me.”
“They do,” Jeonghan says simply without a hint of doubt. “But you should take your time and be ready for it. They’ll wait.” You don’t have anything to say, so Jeonghan nudges your coffee to you. “Finish your coffee. I just lost some income, don’t let me waste any of it.”
“I will throw this coffee at you.”
“Go ahead. It’s cold anyway.”
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Minghao hears the ding of the bell at the shop door and glances up, before looking back down at his book without a word. He’s been doing it all morning. He’s not in the mood to work, but he can’t exactly afford not to open up the shop today. He’s frankly not in the mood for anything. 
Least of all, the fact that no one is at the door. 
It freaked him out the first couple times earlier this week because, despite his little gift when it comes to dreaming, he hadn’t experienced anything paranormal while awake before. He’d never been opposed to it or held any disbelief for it, but he’d never seen it with his own eyes in the daylight. But the bell at the door kept ringing like it was opening. Sometimes, the door would even clap shut like it had been opened an inch or two and then closed again. But sometimes the door stayed firmly shut and the bell still went off. He’d thought about disengaging it, but he was kind of afraid that he’d miss someone actually coming in. 
The bell dings again and he peers up over his book to see the shelf next to the door shaking a little. Not enough to tip over, but it made him squeeze his eyes shut. He’d been going through the soil like crazy this week, because pots had mysteriously been knocked over throughout the shop constantly. He’d had to repot at least a dozen things and sweep up the mess, only for it to happen again on the other side of the store an hour later. He’d refused to truly acknowledge both the door bell and the pots being knocked over. 
The day creeps by. A flower shop just doesn’t get as much business during the winter, outside of some poinsettias or an order of red roses or the like for a funeral. It’s not the time of year for anything brightly colored and Minghao himself has a hard time looking at some of them right now, no matter how much he loves them the rest of the year. 
He would normally close up shop a little early to go see Jeonghan today, but his calendar is clear so he stays until 6pm, cleaning up yet another fallen pot before leaving. At home, he makes dinner and goes about a quiet night. But things move then too. The salt shaker tips over in front of him and he rights it, sweeping up the grains into his palm. The microwave goes off like something is inside it, but nothing is. The faucet turns on by itself and he shuts it off at least four times while he cooks. 
His bowl of food scooting away as he tries to get a bite is kind of the final straw. He drops the chopsticks and sighs. “Vernon, stop it.” The bowl jerks again and Minghao kind of resigns himself to having to clean that up too when it crashes to the floor any minute now. 
He’d been avoiding sleeping. It was far from a healthy decision, but that was how he saw Vernon and he was avoiding him, still upset about the last conversation they had. Sleeping also meant seeing you, and he didn’t want to risk you seeing him again when you weren’t ready. He was following his rule of letting you come to him, even it was eating him alive. 
The TV turns on behind him, volume shooting to full blast. Minghao rubs his forehead. “Fine!” He yells. The volume is lowers. “I’ll go to sleep.” The TV clicks off behind him.
It’s early, but Minghao cleans up from dinner and gets ready for bed. He’s usually meticulous about his bed, making it every morning and putting fresh sheets on it every week. He should have done that yesterday, but he didn’t because the sheets still smell like you and he’s feeling particularly weak about it. So he crawls into bed in crumpled sheets, pulling the bunched blanket over himself. 
He drifts off fast and knows where he is right away. He’s outside of your room and there’s a line out of the door. You must be asleep. Vernon is at the end of the hall and watches carefully when Minghao maneuvers between people to get to him. “Busy?”
Minghao glances behind him. “Yeah, just like it always is.”
Vernon gives him a hard look. “You know, avoiding me means you’re letting her suffer, right? I can’t wake her up if you don’t tell me when it gets bad.” Minghao doesn’t know what to say as his jaw ticks. Vernon sighs. “I take it you guys aren’t talking.”
“No,” Minghao says. “You know my rule. I’m letting her come to me.”
“That’s a stupid fucking rule and it always has been, particularly after you met her in real life,” Vernon says sharply. 
“Yeah, because saying, ‘you don’t need to introduce yourself because I’ve been checking up on you every night in my dreams’ is super comforting,” Minghao bites sarcastically, tone equally sharp.
“It might have been, but we’ll never know now, will we?” Vernon’s jaw is tight. He’s been bleeding frustration since the first night Minghao stayed over at your apartment. “It’s up to you guys to fix this. I can’t do anything except watch you guys, particularly you, run from this. It will have been ten years tomorrow and I’m tired, Minghao.”
Minghao feels grief-stricken every time Vernon implies that he’s stuck. It’s been a comfort to know that he’s still right there. It occurs to him that maybe he’s been selfish, clinging onto the idea that he’s not really gone. But he’s lost on how to fix it. 
A sharp voice comes from your room and Minghao spins. Some people give him looks as he brushes past them, but he’s learned to ignore it. There’s a woman leaning over you, hands on your shoulders, shaking you. Some are so desperate to find some peace that they become demanding and threatening. Besides a pinch in your eyebrows, you’re still asleep, unaware of this. Minghao found years ago that he couldn’t do anything himself. Couldn’t touch you to wake you up, couldn’t pull the demanding person away. But Vernon could, so he turns to him.
Vernon gives him a hard look again. “If you don’t want her to see you, you should leave.” 
He follows instructions, stepping out into the hallway. He knows when Vernon’s woken you up because the hallway clears, the crowd leaving looking dejected. You can’t (or won’t) help them when you’re awake, so they’ve long given up trying. 
Minghao can hear that you’re angry when the crowd clears. He makes himself comfortable, sitting down in your hallway. “Why are you here?” You ask sharply. 
“You can be mad all you want, but I’m not going to let them drain you,” Vernon says stubbornly. 
“They’ve been draining me all week,” you snap, bed squeaking like you’re sitting up in bed. 
“I’ve been busy,” Vernon evades. 
“Vernon, I don’t want to be made a fool anymore, so please stop dancing around the topic,” you practically beg. 
Vernon is silent for a long time. “So you want to talk about it?” His words lack most of the heat from earlier.
“You’ve been visiting me for nearly a decade and you never told me why. I think we’re long overdue to talk about it.”
Your desk chair squeaks and Minghao assumes that Vernon has sat down. It feels like he’s encroaching on a private conversation, like he’s done far too many times when it comes to you in this particular situation. So he wills himself to wake up. 
When he’s back in his own body, he doesn’t think twice of gathering a blanket and going out to his balcony. It doesn’t matter that it’s snowing and freezing. He’s skipping out on sleep again, if only to give you some privacy for once. 
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It’s actually very easy to find what you need.
It takes what feels like a year to shower and get dressed, mostly because you’re not ready for today. You linger under the hot water and you change your clothes a few times when you’ve never really done that before. You usually take a quick five minute shower and throw on whatever is closest. Maybe you care more about what you look like. Or maybe you’re just trying to delay the inevitable for a little while longer. 
The subway is busy. Not with the living, naturally. But there are a lot of wanderers out today. It’s obvious that’s what they are. They walk through things and don’t have coats for the blistering weather. Some of them have evidence of their death, some gruesome, some not. You spend far more time looking at them today, risking being caught. 
You get off at your stop and start walking. The gates are open when you arrive and you pull out the map. This is what was easy to find. You make your way to the spot you’ve marked, trudging through the snow.
You aren’t really surprised to see Minghao at the gravesite when you arrive. Vernon said that Minghao visits it every year, sometimes for hours on end, rain or shine, snow or sleet. Doesn’t matter. 
What does surprise you is that he’s sipping from a bottle of brown liquor that’s half gone. It takes many long moments to steel yourself before you approach. He glances up when your shadow casts over him. “Mind if I join?”
“Go ahead,” he says, taking another sip. When you’re seated, he offers you the bottle. You take it without a second thought and sip from it as well. It burns your throat and whatever face you make must be funny, because he chuckles when you hand it back. “Not much of a drinker?”
“No,” you cough a little. “I didn’t really take you to be one either, especially in broad daylight in a cemetery.”
“The groundskeeper never says anything about it. They must see a lot of that here,” Minghao says. He’s probably right. Silence takes over and it’s so much quieter than normal because of the snow. It’s almost eerie, especially when you can see others creeping around. You make a point to not come to cemeteries because, much like funeral homes, they’re busy places for someone like you. But you’re kind of surprised that there’s kind of a hush in your head here, like it would be rude for the ghosts to be loud.
Like you told Vernon last night, this conversation was long overdue. But, much like your conversation with Vernon, it was hard to figure out where to start.
Minghao must not expect you to start with, “I’m sorry”, though. His head snaps to you, eyes wide. You can’t look at him long. 
“What could you possibly be sorry for?”
You reach your hand out for the bottle again and he hands it to you. You sip and cringe at the taste before handing it back. “I may not be happy that either of you kept secrets like that, but I kept my own secret. It was hypocritical of me to lose it on you like that.”
“It couldn’t compare to the secrets we were keeping, surely,” Minghao shakes his head. 
“I don’t know.” You give him a hesitant smile, trying to soften the tension between you two. “Card on the table? For both of us?”
He doesn’t smile back, anxiety clear across his face. He swallows thickly and begins. 
He was an exchange student at the time and his host family was Vernon’s family. He and Vernon became close, separated in age by only a few months or so. One night, Minghao was driving them home and the roads were bad. He lost traction and ended up in a ditch, along with another car. Your car. He was awake but groggy, immediately checking on Vernon. Vernon was responsive and insisted he was okay, all but demanding that Minghao go check the person in the other vehicle. 
Your window had been smashed in, the door crumbled next to you. He’d reached through the broken window to shake your shoulder and see if you’d wake up, but when his hand landed on your shoulder, something happened and the lights went out for him.
He woke up in the hospital bed the next day to the bad news. But that didn’t make sense to him because not long after that conversation, they’d given him another dose of morphine and he’d drifted off to sleep again. And Vernon was right there. 
So over the months following the accident, Minghao loved to sleep. He’d sleep for more than twelve hours at time, angry about waking up when he did. Everyone let him, thinking he needed the rest, not realizing that rest had nothing to do with it. He’d drift off and end up wherever Vernon was, and that often times was with you. 
He knew it was you. Knew what you looked like from the accident. In time, Vernon put the pieces together too. Knew that you had something special about you and it was draining you. 
And then he’d met you at the retreat, totally blindsided by seeing you in real life again. Totally blindsided by the immediate connection. He had a lot of fear that it was only because of the accident and his almost nightly visits to check on you. But by the end of the retreat, he was sure that wasn’t it. At least not entirely. 
When he runs out of words, he rubs his face. “God, this sounds like a bad movie.”
You glance around the cemetery. A lot of the information isn’t a surprise because Vernon had filled in some of the gaps last night. But there’s still some shock. It makes you laugh and the feeling in your chest seems entirely inappropriate. “You could say that. I mean, I’m seeing ghosts right now. It is a bad movie.”
Minghao looks at you for the first time since starting to explain anything. His gaze is a little watery, eyes unfocused. “I’m sorry,” he mumbles. “I should have just told you. But there was no way for me to tell you that without you running the other way. Which would have been fair. It would be fair now too.”
You chuckle again, sounding a little watery too. “You haven’t heard my secret yet.”
Minghao chuckles back, sounding a little hollow. “It can’t compare to the gravity of what I just told you, Y/N. You don’t have to try to make me feel better.”
You purse your lips, looking across the cemetery. You gesture to a particular headstone, a towering monument that surely cost an arm and a leg. “Do you see that large headstone?” He looks over and nods. “There’s a woman sitting next to it. I’m pretty sure she’s passed on.”
Minghao glances back to you, confusion all over his face. “Okay?” It’s not unkind, like he doesn’t want to hear about your gift. He just doesn’t seem to know where you’re going with this. You hold out your hand expectantly and he gives you a blank look. 
“Hold my hand for a moment, please.” Your words make the look in his eyes change, turning softer. His hand is freezing when he folds his long fingers around your hand. You can’t help that your mouth twitches up a little at the touch. You look over to the headstone again. “She’s gone.”
The confusion on his face doubles. “What do you mean?”
You readjust your hand, intertwining your fingers with his. “I mean… your touch is like an off button for my little ‘gift’. My head goes quiet and I don’t see anything, at least not nearly as much as I normally would.” He’s staring at you with a a painfully vulnerable expression. “You asked what happened at that yoga session at the retreat, when you touched me. That was it. I resisted it for a while because I didn’t want to depend on it. Didn’t want it to be why I was with you.”
Minghao looks at your joined hands, almost admiring them. “And… that’s not why you were with me?”
“No, it’s not,” you say genuinely. “Was this connection in your dreams why you were with me?”
Minghao shakes his head instantly. “No. Don’t get me wrong, I had a soft spot for you because of it, but that’s not the whole story.”
After a long beat, you slide over in the snow covered grass and Minghao wraps his arms around you right away. “What now?” You ask. Cards on the table doesn’t mean you really know what to do with any of it.
He presses a kiss to your forehead with cold lips. “Let’s go home. We can figure it out later.” 
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Minghao is working on an order and it’s kind of a weird one. It’s sweet, no doubt. Someone’s done their research. But normally, people will pick a single flower for a bouquet, or maybe even two or three that coordinate well. Not six that don’t coordinate in the least. This is a hodge podge of everything to do with love. Baby’s breath, camellia, carnation, honeysuckle, morning glory, and pink roses. Orders like this make him laugh because it’s really coming on strong. 
Not that he blames anyone for that. He’s been known to come on pretty strong sometimes, if only when it comes to you. 
It’s the middle of the summer now, a little over six months since fixing things with you. You both kind of agreed to forget about the week that you guys were off, calling it water under the bridge. But things had been distinctly different since fixing things on the anniversary of the accident. No secrets were allowed anymore. You’d seemed like you kind of expected him to hesitate in agreeing to that, but the only secret he’d ever wanted to keep from you was already out. Since then, things had been what you often called soul-bearing. Junhui was disgusted to be around you guys most of the time and Jeonghan even said that he regretted helping you guys fix things sometimes. He recognized that you both laid it on thick sometimes, but it really, genuinely couldn’t be helped even if either of you wanted to. 
Motion at the propped open shop door makes him look up and smile. “Good afternoon,” he says lightly. 
“Good afternoon,” you greet, smiling and looking around the shop like it’s the first time you’ve been here. You do this from time to time and he thinks it’s cute so he’s helpless to stop it. 
“Can I help you find anything?” He plays along, biting back his smile.
“I’m actually here to pick up an order,” you say, approaching the counter to lean on it, propping your head up on your fist. 
“Oh?” Minghao continues to stuff flowers into place. “What’s the name for it?”
“Boo Seungkwan,” you say, sly smile spreading across your face. 
Minghao stops, picking up the order form he’s working on right now, then raising an eyebrow at you. “Is there something you’d like to tell me?”
“That depends. Is my order ready yet?” You ask cutely, glancing at the bouquet in his hands. He gives you a look, wrapping it up in paper and laying it on the counter, and picking up the order form. 
“May I ask who this is for?” Minghao asks, leaning on the counter too, face level with yours. 
Your smile is light. Lighter than he thinks it ever has been. “I’ve been seeing this guy. He’s pretty great and I’m very much in love.” Your eyes bounce down to the bouquet. “If you couldn’t tell.”
Minghao thinks you may never stop making his heart race stupidly. “Someone’s been doing their research. I thought I noticed a book missing from my shelf at home.”
You’re smiling though you start to flush, some of your boldness waning. “Guilty. They’re for you. I just wanted to be sneaky about it.” You stand up straight, reaching for your purse. 
Minghao reaches out to stop you, grabbing your hand. “Be sneaky all you want. I’m not going to charge you for this one.” He presses a kiss to your hand before letting go. He picks up the bouquet, admiring it. Unlikely as it is, it’s pretty. “I’ll admit, it works in a weird way.”
You shrug at him. “It was less about it working and more about sending a message.” 
Minghao puts the flowers down, walking around the counter. His arms wrap around your waist like second nature now as he leans down to press repeated kisses to you - your lips, your cheeks, your eyelids, doesn’t matter. You chuckle, hands flat against his chest. “Message received,” he says simply, pulling away.
“Any plans tonight?” You ask, looking up at him in a way that makes him putty. 
“No, I’ll just be wherever you are. If that’s okay,” he tacks on.
You press a kiss to his cheek. “More than okay.” Your phone rings in your bag and you groan. He laughs, letting you go. You’ve taken a new position at work and it means you get a lot more phone calls nowadays. “I guess I better go before someone comes looking for me. I’ll see you tonight?”
“Of course,” he says kissing you one more time before you go. 
The afternoon is busy, but he finds some time to put together his own bouquet. It’s equally weird and shouldn’t work. But like you said, it’s more about sending a message than anything. He leaves with that bouquet when he locks up. He hopes that you’ll get the message, just like he got yours. 
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Bonus: I couldn't fit this in the banner but I laughed until I cried when I came across this.
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holyscream · 2 years ago
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hybris is when i don’t have stomach aches or nausea for weeks and decide that instead of this being a sign that my current diet is good for me i am actually cured and should be able to eat a lot of candy and acidic foods without consequences
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hussyknee · 1 year ago
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I know some dickheads have now decided that Judaism is the "bad, violent, terrorist religion" and Islam is the "good, peaceful" one, which is only to be expected of white people, but how much of an issue is it currently? Like I've seen some USAmericans sharing how the Islamic faith shapes Gazans values and perseverance (good) except with that distinct white hippie "I'm about to imprint on this like the world's most racist duck" vibe (bad), but I didn't think they're already turning on Judaism in numbers.
Do they realize that Christianity is also the same kind of comfort to Christian minorities in Asia and Africa? That it was Buddhists that genocided the Rohingyas in Myanmar and Tamils in Sri Lanka? That Hindu fundamentalists are even now trying to ethnically cleanse Muslims in India? How Hindus and Christians are terrorized and persecuted in Pakistan? That Muslims have a history of persecuting and ethnically cleansing Jews too?
Really tired of asking y'all to be normal about people's religions man. There's no religion that's inherently violent or exceptionally peaceful. It's just like any other ideology that becomes a weapon in the hands of ethnic power. Interrogate power, not religion, and respect people's belief systems insofar as they aren't in your business.
Edit: I've amended the "long history" of Muslim persecution of Jews because it might be misleading in the current political climate. Zionism and antisemitic Arab nationalism are twin births resulting directly from Christian colonization, and Islamic empires tended to actually be more tolerant of other religions compared to Christianity, especially Judaism, which was considered a sibling religion. Antisemitism wasn't ideologically entrenched in Islamic tradition. It's simply that ethno-religious power will lead to ethno religious domination and intermittent cleansing of minorities, and Islam is no exception. Humans be humaning always.
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uncanny-tranny · 1 year ago
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Another bonus to learning a fiber art is being able to speak to others in a Lovecraftian language that nobody else understands...
...and also being able to read things like THIS:
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dayurno · 10 months ago
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basically
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hellonerf · 4 months ago
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i love crazy contrasting 1p2p in every way(not every way). so i always subconsciously have 2P rusame be friends. unlikely friends etc. in whatever weird school au theyre friends. meri was probably bullied until he started hissing at other kids or something while rus2 was just like huhh okay yeah okay what fine. rus2 found him in a broom closet and it was as awkward as it sounds. in the weird stuckin1Pcoldwar au i have theyre friends also in the torturous existence. 1P rusame is too weird life is too short lets tomodachi✌️
#in comparison 1p rusame would be school insane psychological games social competition nerds MID OFF#2ptalia#i like the jp fanart where 2p ame is pitiful and gloomy. its cute#a little wannabe edgy but spare him he was left in the rain in a cardboard box when he was 2 years old.#i keep imagining a gay school au sorry. im gonna say shit now#rus2 is blunt and kind of. bad at reading signals. accidentally drags him and meri into karaoke with ame(enigmatic popular kid)#meri is like fuck my life... but he has a killer bitch face so people are like uwaa scary... hes brooding...#rus2 is like ah sorry i forgot you never had a normal teen friendship and clung onto (nada) all the time#meri is always coping like these people... dont get it... hes half right#they go to karaoke and ame sings really off key#actually i have a common daydream where ame's elusiveness is really funny to meri#he's like hahahaha what the hell that kids crazy ahahaha. like laughing at a cartoon#and then somehow he keeps being approached by ame (slow trying to step away) hes like noo... i dont actually wanna get close to u at all...#meri and rus2 probably play observers theyre quiet kids who go hmm im nooticing!#observing 1p rusames weirdship that everybody can see but they don't think anyone notices their crazyship#and rus2 is like oh two people talking and interacting alot. theyre friends. its just like a rivalry thing yeah?#while meri is like fuckkk the fucking golden boy is talking to us when ame talks to them rus2 is like#why dont you invite (rusia) to the karaoke arent you two friends#(ame mania face turns around)#okay thats all i got bye
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theladyfae · 3 months ago
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42 / lost brilliance, rita dove
#okay you'd think this one would be human nature but like. listen#thats not the kind of wounding/serving im about#THIS is . the wound of ten going up against a sun being so incredibly reckless because he will Not lose martha#he Loves her he will not fail her like this and he succeeds in saving her like she believed all along !!#and there's the wound cause how can u see the man you love do smth madly impossible for ur sake and not fall in love further#while he still wont even use the word friend to describe the two of you to your face. how long can u live in his forced ambiguity#sorry just . the insanity of ten TAKING A SUN INSIDE OF HIM BEING BURNT UP BY IT all because he would stop at nothing to save martha#because he would Not accept a goodbye like this. and then the serving is . martha having to freeze it out#martha having to deal him excruciating pain by his own demand so that he can't hurt her .#she does it to save him he's doing it for her sake (and everyone elses) he's sure theres even a chance he might die but she wont accept that#she loves him he saved her she'll do anything to save him including this . the look of calm and resignation on her face as she#pulls the lever oh its sickening its so painful for her too#even here ten is taking something from her . and framing it as her giving it up of her own accord#sorry for the tangent i am . normal about 42#also i wasnt originally going to post this but then i ended up talking at poppy abt their dependence again so#dw#tenmartha#tenth doctor#martha jones#faera's
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wizardnuke · 2 months ago
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um personally i think that if your girlfriend is insecure over you being friends with another girl you should run far away really fast. but i may be misreading the situation. i don't think i am though.
#i may be misreading. all i know is she got pissed at my friend while we were hanging out but friend has mentioned that she's 'got#trauma over being cheated on' which is understandable but we have been friends for a year and also i go out of my way to try and make this#girl understand i want to be her friend and i'm not trying for anything. i have a fucking bf. she has met my bf. she has seen how i am#around my bf vs around her gf. we r legit just friends. what the fuck man. please be normal and don't stress ur gf out like this. it's mean#:( idk all i know for sure is she said something that upset her while i was out of earshot but im using context clues and im not stupid.#genuinely i think she is misreading some stuff. yes me and her gf/my friend get along really really well but it's like.. two kids who met i#a playplace kind of way. we do shenanigans and talk about stuff. i do not want to fw her. i am not willing to fw such a heavy smoker.#i love her dearly but sometimes i think she is- love and light- incredibly pretentious in a way that irritates me a little. fine for a#friend. intolerable in a partner. many reasons why i would never. also I HAVE A BOYFRIEND. THAT I AM SO SERIOUS ABOUT.#insulting to me. honestly. but i could be misreading but i don't think i am.#and insulting as fuck to her gf who is head over heels possibly blindly in love with her my god.#idk i just don't trust that she isn't still insecure about me. and i don't like that she said something upsetting while we were having fun.#i don't like it.#girl i dont want your gf for so many reasons. also i am in a relationship what the fuck girl. what the fuck do you think of me. and also#have some fucking trust in your own gf. insane behavior. insane. she would never ever cheat on her she is possibly one of the most honest#and like. morally sound people i have ever met. she would never. it's so fucked up to think that of her.
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hanzajesthanza · 9 months ago
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i'm just saying that somewhere out there, there is a bizarro regis that is a human guy that sits in caves in complete darkness alongside five vampires and communicates through telepathy with them. whose eyes have grown to the size of drachmas and twists his head and scampers in jarring ways. and he also drinks human blood. in human terms, this guy would be so fucked up.
we would be like, what the fuck. this guy is no longer human - he has ceased to be human, he has become a vampire. (though he would still be undeniably human, able to do human things if he hasn't forgotten them, and also unable to do many vampire things)
so i'm saying this to illustrate a point, to try and illustrate regis in vampire terms. to live in a house (or palace) in daylight with five humans and speak with spoken word. to walk on the ground and have facial expressions and nod your head and sew with your hands. and to not drink blood, of course. so what would other vampires think of him. yeah. that's right
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itsalwaysdark · 17 days ago
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and when i live on my own ill be able to decorate like real life decorate ive never gotten to do that in real life b4
#like im not barred from doing it Nd i do like. a little bit kind of but its like. Idk my entire life is a very transient thing and im rly#rly rly not used to being in one place for a long time so as a kid we never rly decorated ever#and like obv i wont be Owning a house or anything like that so itll still have to be moveable but i can like. but furniture that i like and#stuff... ive never gotten to do that b4 even in um. wa. i didnt rly get to do any of the decorating even when i was in the actual house bc#him and the roommates umm. did all that. Okay well now ive sort of freaked it by making myself think of that so im going to go stare#longingly at the floorplan i did#bc umm. well ideally id like to move into one of the apartments thats right across the way bc theres a couple of apt buildings like right#there 5 min walk tops and one of the places Has an open one but no floorplan#i wont be movjng out for ages i just wanted to look at floorplans yk#but like i said no floorplans BUT theres one a bit further away not rly walkable bc its umm#youd have to walk on the interstate and stuff and um. no sidewalk and everything but theeeeeeeeee thing had a floorplan#still very close by like 2 min drive but yk. but i still did my little mockup floorplan with that apartment instead#i want it to be closeby so everybody can come visit and so that i dont die and explode . i dont rly want to continue living in this town#4ever once km like Normal and have savings and ive got everything worked out i wanna maybe move to chicago or something since il is better#for the transgenderisms. + ive always wanted to try living in a big city at least once and i think itd be awesome#but thats Ages and ages away like maybe 5 years depending on how good i am. weeee will see if 5 years in the future is like on the table 4#me LOLLLL 24 year old connor seems rly crazy to imagine. but anyways....#but itll be nice to move out and still be in town bc then i can have the same job yk . and maybe ill know how to drive atp and i can like .#buy a car ..or something . if i do know how to drive#which i probably should since this town very car dependent and i dont want my mom to have to drive me to work esp if umm. i dont live with#them ... im just rly rly rly rly rly fucking scared of driving but i know also in my heart that when i do know how to drive the bond between#me and that car will be crazyyyy like. idk how many of you followed me last year but you may remember my insane bond with angel my cart from#work and there was a lot gokng on woth that <- was Very delusional at the time and i was convinced that she was a sentient thing and had the#power to make my life better or worse if i upset her so i said good morning and goodnight to her every single day so that i could have a#good day . looking back on it probably was something to be concerned abt but whatever.... she is still my best friend and i do miss her#deeply#her bathtub and heater were my besttt friends when i was in wa LOL. i was quite unwell#bathtub is still in my room tho yayyy. heater lives with lamp now and angel is of course at my old job....#bathtub currently is holding a project i gave up on. everyone say thank.you bathtub im looking at her right now
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kukuandkookie · 1 month ago
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Need to vent momentarily so uh…
Had a giant fight with my mom this morning about admiring Elon Musk or Donald Trump just because they’re “successful” which also evolved into her again critiquing her own children and how I pointed out that the shit she says about us can be hurtful, even when she insists she’s trying to be “encouraging.”
I won’t go into detail about it because my family issues are insane sometimes—but I wanted to add this context because maybe I still have some leftover frustration and rage from that, and I guess because I’ve experienced another weeks and weeks’ pile-up of sinophobia, and I’m also overwhelmed by how awful the world is right now with the continued genocide of Palestine but also the rise in normalization of right wing politics, but I saw something today that just added to the frustration because God I hate how people can’t see “the Other” in a less prejudiced light.
It’s not a big deal but saw some sinophobia today that with my poor mood didn’t help exactly:
Basically, there’s a short from a year ago about Chinese celebrities being snubbed at international events to the point that one of them (Liu Yifei) got cut off from a group photo and how another (Zhang Yuqi) got asked to get off the red carpet because they assumed she wasn’t a guest despite her being all dressed up.
The comments are all bullshit like “well they work for the CCP right? So they deserve to be ignored” or “why are you stirring up drama? Just because they’re famous in China doesn’t mean they’re famous internationally” or “haha a taste of China’s own medicine.”
Like oh my God, shut up.
These are international events. Why are you acting like snubbing an international guest isn’t worthy of critique? Just because you hate the country’s politics?? In that case, if you don’t even recognize the celebrity, how do you even know if they work for the oh-so-evil CCP???
It’s always “I don’t hate the Chinese; I just hate their government” until it comes to actual Chinese people because then your poor brain just assumes Chinese people are an extension of their government. You think these celebrities work for the government just by simply existing?? How? Do you think they pay their wages to the CCP or some shit???
Kpop fans mentioned for years that kpop celebrities were snubbed at international red carpets until recently. Why the hell don’t fans of Chinese celebrities get to point it out then?
#kuku vents#I know this isn’t that important#but sometimes it’s the minute things that get to you…you know?#there is bigger sinophobia stuff right now like how people think the recent 35 dead in China after a man drove a car into a crowd#is being covered up by the government#but that big sinophobia stuff is all stuff you expect#this littler instance of sinophobia is frustrating because it shows how normalized sinophobia is to the point it penetrates#these seemingly less important things#why should ‘people don’t deserve to be snubbed’ be a controversial take?? just because they’re Chinese???#also I am admittedly in a really poor mood#I think I fell into depression in October#and I finally kicked it a lot more than usual yesterday to do some cleaning and other productive stuff#but then I had the fight with my mom which made me feel like shit#we fought until the topic moved onto something less hurtful and explosive#but it genuinely made me explode for a while#and I haven’t exploded in some time because I try to avoid conflicts with my mom now and to keep her happy#but I’m the only one at home with her now so I have to put up with her attitude and temper#and I feel a lot of pressure overall from my family to ‘do well’ despite my interests being ‘less useful’#and my family still has other issues too that makes the pressure worse#I don’t even want to vent about my current personal issues anywhere (not with my friends or even my diary) because it’s that stressful#I genuinely don’t even want to think about it#I just kind of feel like I’m going insane
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theotherrichardpapen · 2 years ago
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david levithan
#like minds#murderous intent#like minds 2006#nigel colbie#alex forbes#nigel colbie x alex forbes#having a normal one 🤡 idk just something small#i mean as much as i love clowning on the fact that 0.2 seconds after nigel took alex to the room#the most insane batshit stuff ever just came pouring from his mouth. 10/10 on the flirt game#it is kind of sad when you consider the idea that nigel sees himself as having no inherent worth outside of being something to be used#i mean he describes himself as the pike in the dynamic; the implement for killing#the weapon; the tool to be used#the idea that his only purpose is to serve as an instrument for someone else to achieve their destiny ?#and that night in the trainyard where he decides the best thing he can do is die so that jack can be born?????#are you listening greg ??? because this is exactly why it would've been better for the movie to affirm nigel as alex's maraclea#take notes greg okay#because if nigel positions himself in the role of maraclea?? then it all falls into place and now you've got this guy who thinks#that the best thing he can do. that the ONLY thing he can do. the reason he was put there in the first place#is to die and help alex become everything he was born to be#i stand by what i said on the earlier post that the night at the train yard was their consummation ..that the birth 9 months later was jack#beyond telling greg he can pry this idea from my cold hands#if he wants me to admit i'm wrong he can fight me for it in the car park of an aldi#sorry to anyone who followed me after the cannibalism web weave but this is a like minds blog first and foremost
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aeb-art · 11 months ago
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i was trying to make up side characters for @8um8le's space friends and thought "every show needs a grump"
i'm not gonna finish this though, so y'all can have it now o7
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