#kaz can’t cook for shit either

[mechatiqe]

“U… u-uh…” The mechanic couldn’t stop his face from heating up even if he tried, eyes jerking back and forth between the princess and her hands on his own. He didn’t even mind that her hands were coated with flour and other questionable substances, his heart doing a little happy dance regardless, before a wave of guilt followed it as it often did, nowadays. Dang it, feelings — he was supposed to be moving on, not falling harder!

“There’s… a-a lot of shops you can buy tools from, online,” he explained, trying not to sound too as flustered as he felt. “Or if that’ll take too long, I know a bunch of local shops that sells these kind of stuff. I can um, fix anything that can be fixed, too, so there’s that.” Although, kitchen appliances were admittedly his least favorite kind of things to fix. It might just be because he has bitter memories associated with them… or, well, a grudge against them, but that didn’t mean he can’t fix them if asked to.

“Sixth attempt…” His eyes scanned over the kitchen, an odd kind of awe striking him again. It took some real skill to mess up this badly after a sixth try. He pressed his lips together into a thin line so he wouldn’t accidentally blurt that out loud. It seemed like the princess was genuinely upset about this, after all.

“…D-don’t give up yet, Sonia-san! Maybe you just… need someone to help you follow the recipe, is all!” Determined, he grabbed the nearest towel and started cleaning up what he could of the mess. “M-maybe if we both work together with whatever is left of the ingredients, we can make something good! Something awesome, even!!” He hurriedly cleaned the towel with water from the sink, before squeezing the excess water out and resuming his cleaning. There was… a huge ass mess, but as long as he makes the kitchen clean enough to work in, maybe the princess will consider trying one last time…

“I think if we, like, try to make something simpler, it might work out,” he muttered, although his preffered kind of simple would be the putting-jam-in-a-sandwich kind of simple. “I’m not… er, great, at cooking either…” Which is to say, he was downright godawful at it, but he knew how to make some basic stuff… which he only achieved through a long period of trial and error. “…But!! I think we can cook something decent if we put our minds to it! Just… let’s give it one more try, M—… S-Sonia-san. You don’t want to get some store-bought cookies, right?” he asked, then chuckled sheepishly. “…This kind of reminds me of that time in the cafe. Maybe ‘cause it um, you kind of look like how I did back then… O-oh, wait.” With an almost impressive speed, he quickly grabbed another towel and held it out to the princess. “H-here. Sorry, I should’ve probably offered this way earlier…”

After all, she helped him clean up back then, too.

Kazuichi seemed like there was little truly wrong with her current predicament, but Sonia wasn't so sure. Considering the boy's various mechanical projects and her lack of faith that they went right one hundred percent of the time, she was not in a place where she could trust him fully. Not to mention, as much as she desperately wished for him to regard her as a real person, imperfect and messy and human, this hadn't been the way she'd wanted to convey such sentiments. A skinned knee or a spilled drink bottle would have been acceptable: not something that anyone could do with relative ease. The simplest Christmas cookies, the sorts filled with sugar and covered in icing and sprinkles.

"But how does one acquire tools!?" She cried, her panicked nerves leaving no room for rational thought. "Is there some sort of tools shop? And however would one find a tools shop or know what to request?" It was her way of admitting not only did she spend little time in the kitchens at home, but appliances, ingredients, and food itself all seemed to materialize for Sonia and her family with little concern on their part, beyond selecting appropriate menus with the head chef. Everything was planned, ordered, prepared, served, and cleaned without the royal family needing to decide much else beyond which dishes to serve when. And when that choice wasn't too important, they could defer to the head chef for such decisions.

She sighed, reaching up with flour-covered fingers to wipe some of the tears away that had formed at the corners of her eyes. She didn't dare reach for her own handkerchief: she'd get it messy even before she brought it to her face. At least it would fit right in with the rest of the dormitory kitchen. And Sonia herself, considering she'd just smeared more flour onto her face. She collapsed into one of the tall bar stools set up beside the kitchen counter, ideal for both preparing and serving a casual group meal and for refuge when even the easiest recipes went wrong. Sonia took to them often for the latter, as much as the school would allow anyway: they'd find a way to lock her out of all Hope's Peak kitchens after this, she felt sure of it.

How embarrassing. But it would have nothing on what Kazuichi would do next. Only his decision to reach for one of the charcoal bricks Sonia dared to call cookies and pop it in his mouth took her out of her own melancholy thoughts and back to the disaster at hand. "Soda-san, maybe you should-" Sonia had begun, but it was too late. All she could do was watch him chew and swallow, the contorted look of pain and disgust on his face.

When she'd envisioned Kazuichi Soda ceasing his stalking of her, Sonia Nevermind had imagined it involving her private security detail and, if needed, a restraining order. She hadn't imagined several friendly, if not deep, conversations and the Ultimate Mechanic, without hesitation, trying the charred mess she'd tried to call sweets. Either way, she would be indirectly sending him to the hospital regardless of the scenario if he kept this up.

"Please, please stop!" She cried, jumping to her feet and doing the first thing that came to her mind: placing her hands over Kazuichi's, filled with her poor attempt at cookies, to keep him from bringing them to his mouth. "This is not food. My terrible culinary skills saw to that, it is far more than just a little overcooked. This is my sixth attempt at this in the past few days actually and I think I am out of ingredients and-"

Sonia realized she'd been rambling on, trying to make her mistakes look a little less lethal and failing horribly. But through it all, she'd continued to hold his hands, or at least prevent them from eating more of her failures. She hadn't intended to grab onto him nor hold him for this long, so she quickly let go, a soft blush flooding her cheeks. "I am sorry, I should not have grabbed you like that. But I will still need cookies to bring: at this point, it may be best just..." Another sigh, this one of defeat. "...to purchase them pre-made. But somewhere good, even if it will be clear I did not make them myself."

[yuribalisms]

When I tell you that I would sell my fucking soul to enjoy cooking. I would give up any of my existing talents, personality traits, interests, literally ANYTHING to just not viscerally despise cooking with every single fiber of my fucking being

[kazxmp]

5cents at Most

Some annoying mf’s bonding with @mpxmaxim

Kaz was a living breathing garbage disposal. The man would eat just about anything minus a cooked mushroom, and he couldn’t cook worth shit so he rarely ever ate anything substantial or really all that yummy unless he eats out or Heather makes him food.  In short, Kaz never goes grocery shopping. The eggs in his fridge, the beer, a box of cereal and some random snacks is all that normally suffices. But recently he has taken up the local grocery shop as a new hobby.  Why would he need to do that if he can’t cook someone would say, or why would he do that because he obviously doesn’t want to.  Why? Because his rookie artist works there and it is just incredible to watch the look on his face when Kaz comes to the checkout counter with individual fruits and greens, all so he has to type in each twelve digit number for just one thing. It should be a crime how much joy he gets from this shit. The goth doesn’t hate Maxim by any means, he actually does respect him as an artist, and he could even say he fucks with him; and that’s what makes pissing him off so much so exciting. 

“The apron suits you, Max. Very domestic of you. Will you bake me pies and warm cookies too?” Kaz casually teases as he puts-swear to gods-one of each fruit and veggie on that damn counter. But he could be doing worse things like spilling shit or putting everything in the wrong isles, instead he just does this one really really really annoying thing. Every thursday. Only for the last two weeks but he might keep this shit up if Maxim makes that face every time.  “Aye make sure to bag that shit nicely too. Wouldn’t want any bruises.” Their constant days at the shop were either them in complete silence while working, or telling each other to do shit only for most of it to not get done by the one asking the other to do it. It was just a system they had to bother each other even if it sometimes ended up in a smile and the toss of a rag or cap of ink.  But why only leave that fun banter to the shop right??

[mothsandbutterflies13]

Shadow and Bone Pt 2

The General/The Darkling/Aleksander Morozova: I like this character. Like, a lot. It helps that he's the epitome of "Tall, Dark, and Handsome" (TDH) but Aleksander Morozozva, as a person, is so interesting. There are so many things I'd like to pick his brain on; human nature, court politics, the war with Fjerda and Shu Han, Zlatan and his independence movement, etc. As a character, I wish they had injected some more darkness into him. I get it, the show is supposed to be marketed towards a younger audience, so it's not logical to have your tall, dark heartthrob be a literal jackass with no redeemable points. I applaud the show for giving him a more human side to him, but I also wish they would be clear on which couple is endgame. B/c if Darklina is endgame, I don't think you're doing enough to sell it. And if it's not, then you're doing waaaaay too much to sell it.

Alina Starkov: I love the actress. She seems so funny and kind. Her biracial status is just an added bonus. As a character, though… let's just say, Alina might not be a Mary Sue, but she's not not one either. Let me explain. I can't say I was thrilled to hear Alina Starkov was written as biracial in the show. It just felt like they were trying to score diversity points in being able to cast Jessie Mei Li as the female lead in a major TV production. I mean, in the context of the universe of Shadow and Bone, it was fine. I guess. But we really only get one piece of dialogue wherein Alina is discriminated against by the army camp cook for her different looks (which, if we're talking different looks, Mal looks waaaay more Shu Han than Alina, but that's just my opinion) and the confrontation with the tsarista and the maid's comment about changing her eyes, but that was about it. And Botkin, who looks and sounds like a Shu Han, NEVER comments on her appearance. For some people, that's great, it means he doesn't see her any different than anyone else. However, in a country where Ravkans sometimes openly discriminate against anyone that looks Shu Han (not Fjerdan cuz they look way too similar to their southern neighbors🙄🙄), you'd think Botkin would give Alina some advice or, I don't know, impart some knowledge about their shared cultural heritage!? If you're going to portray a character as a different race than she was (implied) in the books, AND make a big deal out of it, I should think you'd at least TRY and highlight why this change was necessary or important. But, if you're not going to do that, then please don't emphasize that particular fact. Just treat her like you would if she were of Caucasian descent.

And don't give me the same-old speel about representation. As an American-born Chinese, I grew up in a predominantly white town where I only had a few classmates who looked like me. I know what it means to be discriminated against or never seeing someone who looked like me on TV or in movies. I don't like watching the animated Mulan movie because she was a Chinese princess amongst a sea of white princesses. I like her because she doesn't take shit from anyone, not even her commanding officer. However, I identified the most with Belle because we were both bookworms and saw the beauty in the written word.

As for her powers… Like I said above, I really want to see what she could do with them. Light + physics = pretty OP.

Ok, so on to some of my biggest gripes with Alina.

One. She's angry that Aleksander has kept her letters from Mal and Mal's letters from her, leading her to believe that Mal doesn't care about her. As a way to woo the heart of possibly the only girl who'll ever be your equal, definitely not the best move. But as a general in charge of an army of grisha who now has finally found the one person who could make all his wishes come true, a necessary evil. True, Aleksander is half a millennia old, you'd think he'd have learned some patience by now. Alternatively, he could just be stubborn and set in his ways because no one has been able to challenge him and he hasn't had to stop and think about the consequences of his actions in terms of the individuals it will affect in a long time. However, in terms of what he could've done (send Mal on some impossible mission that was 100% going to get him killed) (Ok, yes, so the hunt for Morozova's stag probably should've been that, but we're not here to talk about what-ifs), confiscating their letters to each other was practically not even in the top 100. So, I honestly don't get why she seemed to make a mountain out of a mole hill.

Two. Aleksander didn't disclose that he was the Black Heretic and that he was planning to get the stag to be able to control Alina and her powers. I mean… would youdivulge your deepest, darkest secret to someone you just met not even a week before? Especially when it's about something as big as this. No? Point made. As to his plans for the amplifier, it's not like he could've known what the Sun Summoner was going to be like. And this goes back to my point before, that he can't see the trees for the forest because he's used to thinking in big-picture terms and what's best for the grisha as a whole, not the individual person. If you can't predict what this nebulous person is going to be like, you might as well hold all the control in your hands so as not to leave anything up to chance. Maybe Alina just can't see the forest for the trees.

Three. The above points are why (probably, most likely) why she chose Mal over Aleksander in the finale. Oh my God, I don't even know where to start. First of all, I have it on good authority (from someone who's read the books) that Alina is never Mal's first choice (and for that rant, I suggest you read the next point below before coming back to this one) but she still chooses him. When there's a perfectly good, emotionally-available, TDH man who accepts you, boils and all, standing. RIGHT. THERE. Second, this teaches young girls a bad precedent (granted, book!Darkling was a jackass so maybe not him). Why hang onto a guy who's made it clear to you, through his actions, that he'll never see you as his #1? Why waste your time, money, affections for someone like him? He doesn't deserve it and he CERTAINLY doesn't deserve you! You should only be with someone who treats you like a princess, who makes it clear to you that you have been, are, and always will be his #1. (I'm assuming the other person is male, but you don't have to read it like that. Don't @ me.) Trust me, Zhi Hua chasing after Yong Qi in HZIII scared me enough as a child and I have no desire to go through something like that in real life.

Mal: "This is why I have such a problem with Malina as endgame! If they were endgame, why is Mal always treating her like a second choice and Alina always content with the scraps he throws at her?! At least, with Aleksander, Alina was, is, and always will be his first choice and he makes it ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY clear he thinks the world of her! I thought Aleksander was the kind of guy we were taught to grab and hold on to, not some childhood bestie who always puts you on the backburner!" That's all I have to say for this one.

Zoya: I would have liked to see some complexity in this character, other than the whole "unrequited love for the Darkling". Granted, I only saw a quarter of the show, so I don't know about later episodes.

As for the Crows, I wish I had seen more complexity and character backstory from Kaz. Jesper is amazing but, my favorite has to be Inej because she's fulfilling all my Assassin dreams!

My sister claims I'm expecting too much out of a TV show that is based on a YA fantasy novel series, and maybe I am. I just want to see a well-made fantasy TV series or movie with a great cast that has amazing acting chops, beautiful set pieces, intricate costuming, and a well-written plotline with a dash of sarcasm and wit. Is that really so hard to ask for?

[twilightofthe]

Tell me ALL your SW faves

Aaaaaa thank you!  This took a while cuz this got long, lol sorry!  Aight, so here’s ALL my SW faves for this ask prompt list!

FAVE MOVIE: Revenge of the Sith.  10000%.  It just has everything!  You get to see the Obikin relationship in all its glory, first and foremost, how much those two loved each other more than anything and knew each other better than anyone, and just how much they genuinely got along and then we got our hearts broken watching them have to fight after Anakin made his Goof Of The Millennium and just oooooof all the feels about my boys!  Seeing Padmé and just loving her so gotdang much for being strong and wanting the best life for everyone, all while she was so scared and had so little support from anyone, and just couldn’t do it in the end.  Seeing the end of the Republic, how after a thousand years, just, *poof*, just like that in like two days (yes, I know Sidious was planning it for over a decade but still), the horrific fascination on how Sidious was able to do that.  Just the brilliance of Sheev’s character, how you despise him, but how brilliantly everything was pulled off.  The angst of Order 66, how especially after TCW you love these characters SO MUCH and then you gotta watch them DIE HORRIBLY BY THOSE THEY TRUSTED, THOSE WHO NEVER HAD A CHOICE EITHER.  Did I mention feeling so freaking bad for Obi Wan and his Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day???  Because I really do, he’s so good and kind and we see his life fall apart and ugh I love him.  And y’all, watching Anakin Skywalker fall from grace like the brightest angel he was, you hate him for what he did, but you still can’t help but love him and cry for him and his loss because he was so good, and he did not deserve all this to happen to him but he did it to HIMSELF AAAAGGHHHH.  Also, Obes and Ani were at peak prettiness this movie!!  Just asdfkjglkdskajsrlk best movie love so diggity dang much

FAVE PAIRING: Oh, how EVER will I choose– Obikin.  It’s Obikin, all the way, no contest.  I know I’ve yelled about it a million and one times so I’ll save y’all the rant on how much I adore these disasters and their relationship and how I think they’re goddamn soulmates and the most interesting dynamic in the entire Saga.  I ship them romantically and platonically and just everything, they’re so fucking important to one another and that’s why it hurts so much to watch them fall apart, and that’s why I’m so incredibly happy that they get to canONICALLY SPEND THEIR ENTIRE AFTERLIFE TOGETHER BECAUSE FORCE GHOSTS HELL YEAH.  If I had to pick just secondary fave romantic and platonic relationships, hmmmm that’s hard.  BUT, I’m gonna have to go with Kanera for romantic; SWR was what got me back into Star Wars and one of my favorite parts of it was watching Kanan and Hera, how much I loved them separately, but just how much they were a team together and I love them and I was unbelievably upset when Jedi Night happened (and I still have a rant about how animated Star Wars kills off their romantic couples in the exact same manner, pls ask me about how TCW’s The Lawless and Rebels’ Jedi Night had basically all of the same plot points that ended in killing off a romantic lead).  For other fave platonic relationship, gonna have to go with Luke/Han/Leia BROT3 (separate from Hanleia as a romance, which is probs my 3rd fave).  These disasters were the original Golden Trio, they saved the galaxy together all while yelling dramatically and having each other’s backs to the bitter end (or, at least ‘till the end of ROTJ lol) and I just love them as a team so dang much

FAVE TV SHOW EPISODE: Okay, since there are four TV shows, it’s only fair for me to pick one (or more don’t judge me) from each!  Let’s see, from The Clone Wars, my fave eps have to be the entire Mortis trilogy arc in S3 because Obes/Ani/Snips family dynamic, Force Shenanigans, BEAUTIFUL scene designs, Anakin angst, just so many good things oof, and also Dooku Captured from S1, which I just adore because Obikin snark, annoying Grandpa Dooku, Hondo Fucking Ohnaka making everyone look so bad at their jobs, I just love it agh.  Whoops that was technically four faves, so gotta do four for Rebels too!  Gonna go wiiiiith World Between Worlds from S4 for Badass Ahsoka Tano, Ezra being brave and talented, Sheev being Absolutely Ridiculous, and just the overall Force Shenanigans cuz canon time travel y’all; The Lost Commanders from S2 because Rex is awesome, Kanan angst, and really good Kanan and Ezra bonding and Jedi awesomeness, Fire Across the Galaxy from S1 because of Ghost fam dynamics, Kanan angst, more Kanan and Ezra bonding, and just good stuff, and Twilight of the Apprentice in S2 (lol what about my username?) for being creepy and cool and maKING ME CRY ANAKIN YOU STUPID THRICE COOKED TOILET SEAT LEAVE AHSOKA ALONE.  *cough*  Ok, fine, I’ll stick with only one ep for the other two series.  For Resistance, gonna have to go with the latest ep, actually!  We get to see Kaz being clever and caring about his fam on the Colossus, really cool designs for Aeos and its people, Tam angst, and just everyone shining!  For The Mandalorian, it’s gotta be the finale, Redemption, we get Din name, Armorer kicking everyones asses and me loving it, BABY YODA DOING THE HAND WAVE, Din getting over his issues with droids and connecting with IG only for IG to FUCKING DIE, DIN AND BABY YODA BEING AN OFFICIAL CLAN OF TWO, Taika just knocking this whole episode out of the park with the funny scouttroopers at the beginning who still deserved the ass-whooping they got for fucking murdering Kuiil and hiTTING BABY YODA YOU SLIMY FUCKNUGGETS–

FAVE CHARACTER: Alright, look, I can narrow it down to FIVE and that is IT.  I just love too many Star Wars characters, I can’t go lower than top five!  Ok, so my four favorites are Obi Wan Kenobi, Anakin Skywalker, Leia Organa, Kanan Jarrus, and Finn Skywalker-Dameron-Tico (i SAID what i SAID.)  AIGHT so for starters, a lot of my favorite characters in different franchises fall under various archetypes I have for faves.  Obi Wan fits one of my more popular ones: “Old, reluctant and more than slightly-questionable parental badass with a mysterious past that makes you love them all the more when you realize just how beautiful and tragic and deserving-better they were when that past is revealed”.  I latched onto this dude from the start when I just liked the OT (tho Leia was always my fave lol), and I wanted to know about him, and then when I finally started getting into the PT and TCW, it was just a steady stream of “oh no he’s hOT?” “oh no he’s sAD?” “oh no he’s nICE?!? REALLY FUCKING NICE AND A BIT OF A MESS HELP” and then I just totally latched on because he’s hypercompetent at literally everything and looks damn good doing it and boy do I have a thing for competence, charming as all hell and goes through so much and comes out strong despite the fact that fate hates his fucking guts and tries to destroy his life constantly and guys he tries so hard and he’s kind of messy sometimes and a bit of a dick and I love him all the more for it because he’s trying, none of that do-or-do-not shit, he is doing his damn best and deserves happiness and not Anakin tearing him apart.  SPEAKING OF SAND MAN.  Ugh, so I love Anakin to fucking death and that makes me REALLY MAD ABOUT IT BECAUSE HE MAKES EVERYONE ELSE I LIKE SAD.  So I love Anakin regardless because he’s not your typical protagonist.  He’s fucking brilliant, hot when he fights, is amazing at fighting and flying and building stuff and there’s that competence thing for me again, oh boy!  He’s funny and kind and he cares.  And somehow, this bitch manages to have the two most beautiful, amazing people in the galaxy in love with him and willing to do basically anything for him like the fuck?!?  Jealous much??!?!?!?!  I am!!!!  He’s so fucking bright and it’s impossible to look away.  He’s also a dorky, messy disaster who’s not good with people or feelings or emotions and he panics over stuff and doesn’t know self-control and is kinda really bad at his job a lot and pushes away the people who care about him and screws up literally all the fucking time and he always feels like he’s drowning and alone and I get to watch him crash and burn under the weight of it all.  Basically, minus the anger issues and the child murder and the murder in general, I kinda relate a lot to Anakin.  I feel like a self-hating mess who doesn’t know how to control my ow head and the world hates me a lot too.  I can project my mental issues onto him, enjoy the good parts of him, live vicariously through the things he does that I can’t like be loved by pretty people and be hot and athletic and smart, and then when he crashes I can side-eye and remember that at least someone’s doing worse than me lol.  So yea, I love this messy boi to death and he’s the one I get the best characterization reviews on, so I guess we have an understanding.  Leia I loved since as a kid.  I’d want to be her, brave, talented, smart, strong as hell and snarky to boot.  I realize that Leia fits another fave character archetype of mine: “Powerful young adult raised for greatness, did not ask for all the horrible shit that’s happened to them, highkey wants a break and for the bad guys to just roll over and die, is generally clever, hypercompetent, and 100% done with everyone else’s shit, overdramatic as all hell and enjoys insulting people”.  Her and Han were my first Star Wars ship and she just always made me happy seeing her kick names and take ass.  She’s gone through almost as much hell or maybe more so than Obi Wan, she also keeps getting back up and fighting, she deserved SO MUCH BETTER than what the Sequel Trilogy gave her and you may quote me on that.  She’s also gorgeous and I wanted to wear all of her clothes (bikini not included).  I also love her relationship with Luke and I am so goddam happy it is now canon that Leia Organa did Jedi training and can use a lightsaber!!!  She has a lightsaber!!!!!!!!!!  Ugh oof I love her.  Kanan fills the similar “mentor” archetype as Obi Wan does, but with a smidge of youth because he’s younger when he gets dropped into this role.  He’s more of a punk, more of a mess, and oof.  Basically I’ve said it a zillion times how Rebels resparked my love of Star Wars, but really, it was Kanan on the screen that did it.  It happened when the Rebels season 3 premiere eps ended up on the TV and I saw it and I thought in order 1. holy shit that Maul fucker’s actually alive? and 2. Oh no sad blind Jedi man!  He’s cool and mysterious and I want to know why he’s sad and who made him sad and also want to give him a hug!!!  He was my fave character all throughout Rebels and his training dynamic with Ezra, struggling to help this kid all while flying by the seat of his pants because he had Issues and no clue what he was doing and no support and ugh, he was smart and brave and I’m so sad he’s dead and yea.  Finn!!!!  Last but not least!!!!  He was my favorite character from The Force Awakens.  People have said it before, but he was just so new, a rebel Stormtrooper stolen and brainwashed at birth, finding the good guys and fighting to do the right thing!  Possibly Force Sensitive!  Super duper cute!!!  Funny and kind, dammit, when not many other people in the galaxy were!!!!!!!!  I was so, so sure Finn was gonna be a Jedi along with Rey at some point, that might have been my biggest letdown when I saw TLJ, but ugh I just loved his enthusiasm and his war within himself, ultimately loving his friends and trying to do what was right at the risk to his own safety, even though that was why he ran scared in the first place!!!!!  I shipped him with Rey and with Poe and now I am NOT above the post TROS Jedistormpilot shipping!!!!!  Finn was just always the most interesting part of the Sequel Trilogy for me and I personally feel like they could have done more with his character.

FAVE ACTOR/ACTRESS: Aight, so I try my best not to “stan” anyone famous because literally no one is perfect and everyone’s done something problematic at some point and if I dare say I like a famous figure, someone’s gonna find something about them and come after me all “OMG THIS PERSON DID/SAID/IS X YOU MONSTER GO DIE!!11!!1″.  In terms of performance, I think all the actors in Star Wars did a lovely job and I’m happy with all of them!  If I had to crush on any, it would probs be Ewan McGregor, John Boyega, or Diego Luna cuz, uh, they hot.  If I had to pick one I liked most, it would honestly probs be Carrie Fisher.  Maybe that’s just partially from missing her now that she’s gone, but I really admire her advocacy and transparence for mental health, and she just seemed like such a funny, kind, strong person.

FAVE PLANET: Aight, this is HARD and I refuse to only pick one planet!  Ok, gonna start off with Coruscant because an endless city planet made up of lights is amazingly gorgeous and it has a Jedi Temple stacked on top of a Sith Temple and is just so cool aaaaa.  Also love Felucia just for being so bright and colorful and pretty.  Mortis for being just as weirdly gorgeous and also Weird Force Shit.  Lothal for the beautiful mountains, the wolves, and the fucking lightspeed center of the planet passage what, Dathomir is delightfully creepy to look at, Crait is really cool with the salt and the red and the ice foxes, Kashyyyk because Wookiees and it’s pretty and I love their treehouses.  Basically if it makes me clap my dumb monkey hands and go “oooh pretty!”, I love it.  The more “not like Earth” it is, the more I love it.

FAVE SPECIES: Hmmmmm, this is a tough one…….  There’s just so many cool-looking species that we know so little about, ya know?  I wanna say either Togrutas or Wookiees.  Togrutas just because the character design is incredible and so fun to work with and also I love Ahsoka, and Wookiees because they have such an interesting culture and backstory and also I want to give Chewbacca a hug.

FAVE CONCEPT: Uhhh, not quite sure I get the question; you mean like just story concept in general?  If that’s it, I’m gonna have to go with just the whole concept of the Force and the Jedi in general.  I mean George, George my man, what the fuck?  How the hell did you come up with this?!?  Mystical psychic space wizards with magic abilities to connect with and use the sentient godlike life force that combined the entire galaxy together.  Oh and also they have COLORFUL GLOWING LASER SWORDS?!?!?  It’s honestly one of the most creative things I’ve seen in popular culture, and that makes me sad that Star Wars now seems to be trying to separate itself from what I think is its most interesting quality because “ugh not EVERYTHING should be about the Jedi guys!”, when like, y’all, without the Jedi, the entire SW universe is basically just another military scifi war story……  Just my opinion tho.

FAVE SHIP: Ok, since pairing was already up there, I assume this means actual ship?  Well, uh, gonna have to be square with y’all, I’m a bad Star Wars fan for this part; I’ve never been the one to memorize ship names and designs and know the exact make and model number of some fancy ship, I’m real bad at that lol.  I’ll say my favorite ship is the Ghost.  Hera flies it and the Rebels Fam lives on it and it’s super cool and it makes me happy!

FAVE WEAPON: LIGHTSABER.  LIGHTSABER LIGHTSABER.  LIGHTSABERLIGHTSABERLIGHTSABERLIGHTSABERLIGHTSABER.  Y’all, c’mon, what did you think I was gonna pick? xD  Lizard brain want glowy shiny colorful big stick that goes whoosh!

FAVE BACKGROUND EXTRA: Again, not entirely sure what this means, but do you mean fave background character?  If so, then it’s a tie between Wilrow Hood and his ice cream machine for the memes, that one clone in TCW who yeets a plate of toast at Cad Bane’s face, or that one background soldier who scoots between Han and Leia arguing in ESB and also Hera and Kanan arguing in Rebels (yes I do headcanon it’s the same guy lol)

FAVE MOMENT/SCENE: This one’s actually pretty easy.  Anakin dying in Luke’s arms in ROTJ, and then his ghost showing up to Luke later at the Ewok party.  I just care so ridiculously much about stupid Anakin and his stupid story and mistakes, and even before I was a prequels stan and had only seen the OT (and wasn’t a huge Vader fan, believe it or not), some part of me just felt so solemn, so fragile watching this, watching the giant monstrous machine falling apart as he fades away to reveal a weary, tired old human man, and it always made me wonder, what the hell happened to him to turn him into that thing?  Seeing that young, beautiful man, basically Luke’s age, showing up as a ghost later, just the fascination, the tender look he shared with Old Ben, just how young he was, that made it all the more mysterious and knowing what I do now, it’s just so much better because my poor, horrible Disaster Man finally did the right thing and he finally found peace and it’s just the only ending I could be happy for Anakin with,  And Luke, I always felt so bad for Luke, being so strong, so brave, finally getting his father back for like five damn minutes and then having to lose him again and just hurting for him but also knowing that it was gonna be okay because Luke had more family now, the ghosts, and Han and Leia and Chewie and R2 and 3PO and Lando and everyone.

FAVE KISS: Luke and Leia (HANG ON LET ME SPEAK) forehead kiss in The Last Jedi.  I know (this one) isn’t meant as romantic, and I know the question is probs about a romantic one and I know that it’s not even a real mouth kiss.  But.  That Luke and Leia scene was my favorite part of the entire movie.  Again, I was missing Carrie a lot, and ugh, after all these years, after not getting to interact the entire previous movie and not at all during this movie, the ONE scene with Carrie and Mark and the pure emotion of it all just knocked me out of my fucking seat.  You could see how connected they were as siblings, how much Leia had missed Luke, how much he had missed her and how sorry he was for leaving, sorry for Ben, sorry for having to leave her again now, Leia knowing Luke was about to die, and just, acceptance.  Love and acceptance.  It was just a final, tender kiss on the forehead, and it was perfect and yeah.  If I do have to pick a romantic lip smooch, it’s probably the Hanleia classic “scoundrel” kiss in Empire Strikes Back.  I still remember watching ESB the first time as a KID and being all eeeeeeee are they gonna– YES they kissed they kissed they kissed finally! and that’s enough for me.

FAVE FIGHT: Obi Wan and Anakin on Mustafar in Revenge of the Sith.  WIthout question.  It’s brilliantly and precisely choreographed to show the intricate nuances of the Obikin breakup in alllllll of its painful glory.  It breaks my heart every time I watch it because every time I watch it I still hope it’s gonna end differently.  That Anakin realizes he can’t kill Obi Wan and ditches Sidious and goes back with Obi Wan to save Padmé.  That Obi Wan realizes he can’t let Anakin die and saves him from burning and from Sidious and takes him back too.  That Obi Wan at least puts Anakin out of his misery which would be godawful painful, but would save him from the horrid life as Vader.  That while they’re fighting, a lava monster appears like in the concept art and Vader and Obi Wan have to put aside their differences and fight the thing and remember how much they mean to each other.  But ugh, this fight was beautifully choreographed and was originally supposed to be a MULTI-MINUTE SINGLE SHOT WHAT THE HELL???  Oooof Hayden and Ewan did such an amazing job and the whole thing just rips my heart out every time in the bestworst way possible

 FAVE LINE OF DIALOGUE: Now THIS is hard, I’m not the best at picking favorite lines.  Hmmm, this is HARD.  Let me think.  Gahhhh, it’s hard because I have so many lines I like and I can’t even just narrow down a couple!!!  Ultimately, it’s probably gonna be Yoda’s monologue from Empire Strikes Back: “Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter…”  Just that entire line saying how basically all of us are more than the sum of our parts, that everyone is their own sparkling light made of stardust, I loved it as a kid and I love it now. 

FAVE BOOK/COMIC: Answered here

FAVE HERO: Gonna go with Obi Wan!  I already rambled about why I love him, but y’all……. I love him.

FAVE VILLAIN: Anakin Skywalker/Darth McFucking Vader.  I loved him when he was a hero and the silly poor sad boy makes me sad when I see him as a villain all while being an overdramatic asshole and it just makes me wanna hit him with a newspaper for ruining his life and everyone else’s I love him.

FAVE OUTFIT: Answered here

FAVE CREATURE: I love Lothcats/Tookas!  I just heckin’ love cats and now there’s spACE KITTIES WITH SUPER FOOFY TAILS AND BIG EARS OMG Y’ALL I LOVE THEM I JUST REALLY DO AND I REALLY WANT ONE SO I CAN CUDDLE IT ;_;

WHEW.  That was all of the faves, thanks so much for asking me!!!  Sorry this took so long to do, this was kinda a hell week haha!

[rotzaprachim]

the closest to heaven that i'll ever be (Kanej Guardian Angel AU)

From @elorcaning‘s prompt of Kaz just being an idiotic human getting in trouble all the time and inej is his guardian angel just trying to keep him from dying while doing stupid shit, which I thought was a BRILLIANT idea and kinda ran with. At 1 AM while on jetlag so I Apologise. 

Props to @kettvrdams for not killing me when i sent an incomprehensible WIP for her to beta. All accidentally unfinished sentences and spelling errors are entirely My Own Fault 

On AO3 - 1816 words, Teen

In her illustrious career as a guardian angel, Inej has learned several things. The first is to believe in the fundamental good of all people- well, almost all people. Almost. But really, she likes to think the best.

The second thing is that no matter how hard she tries- and damn, she really tries hard- humans will still find ways to screw their own lives over, and even if her role is supposed to be more hypothetical or spiritual than anything, she always finds herself getting involved in more practical ways.

But still she thinks, as the poor Dutch farm kid tries to eat fertiliser from the container for the third time, only to be shooed away by his older brother, that this is going to be a challenge.

--o0o--

“Organised crime? Really?” sneers a figure in the corner of the precinct station with their dark hood pulled down low. Kaz glances around. There isn’t anyone else around aside from the beat cop who’s just let him out of the holding shell with a glare and a kick to his good shin.

The figure pulls their hood down. It’s a girl about his own age. Looks like a university student, with a purple jacket and a rain slicker.

She holds out a plastic Albert Hejn bag. Ah. So this is what it’s about. Per Haskell, Pekka Rollins, whoever the fuck it is this time, want him to move something. Cash, drugs, fucking tulip bulbs for all he knows. He doesn’t really care, as long as he’s alive on the other side of it.

But it isn’t really heavy enough to be either of those things.

“You haven’t eaten anything in over twenty four hours.”

He doesn’t know how she could possibly know that, but when he looks inside, what he finds is a cheese sandwich and a bottle of orange juice. Sealed, so it would have been goddamn hard to hide a USB or whatever it is Pekka wants out of the country inside.

“Who sent you? Pekka? Ferry Bouman? Sonny Castillo?”

“Are those the only things your mind goes to?” Now the girl just sounds annoyed.

“I’m not in the habit of beautiful girls meeting me in police precincts without having some other angle they’re working. So what is it? Who do you work for?”

Beautiful girl. He didn’t mean to say that. He’s a lot of things, but a flirt isn’t one of them. Yet even in the yellowy light of the precinct, he can tell that's what she is, with her heart-shaped face and the fan of her oil-dark hair.

“Eat your damn sandwich” she says, and is gone before he can say anything else.

--o0o--

“Don’t get too involved,” says Zoya.

“The job description is guardian angel, ergo, I guard.”

--o0o--

Organised crime. Really. Perhaps not in the highest echelons, and it’s fucking Amerstedam, but still, organised crime.

Sometimes she really doesn’t think he’s organised enough to get mixed up in organised crime.

--o0o--

“Genuine Givenchy. Also got Rolex watches, Hugo Boss shirts-” he offers the middle-class housewives out on a girl’s trip to Amsterdam. The back of the florist’s he’s operating out of is packed with genuinely decent-looking fakes. It’s also on Sonny Castillo’s territory.

“Best space brownies in Amsterdam,” he promises a group of tipsy Erasmus students from Manchester with a smile that’s the image of sincerity. The coffee shop is on Ferry Bouman’s territory.

“Now this is a real Vermeer,” he tells the new-money-oil-don looking for a bit of old-school, Cultured, flash for his new penthouses in Dubai and London. The art gallery is on Pekka Rollins’ territory.

--o0o--

“He’s going to get himself killed,” Inej tells her boss.

--o0o--

“You think I can’t smell a rat, Brekker? You don’t fucking think I can’t tell when some bastard ratfuck tries to fuck me over?”

There have been many points during which Kaz thought his ass to be well and truly cooked. Almost drowning in the harbour in Rotterdam when he was twelve was certainly one of them, but it was also far from the last.

But now he’s got a gun to his temple and there’s no more talking he can do, not one more trick more trick up his sleeve or one more secret he can leverage into five more minutes, ten more minutes, another day to make things right.

There’s just him and a dark alley at the edge of the city and the freezing rain, pelting down and soaking him to the bone. And the angry hands slamming his face into the alley wall, over and over again, until blood runs down his face and chest and the rainwater tastes salty.

“Please. A week. No, a day, I’ll make it up-”

“Like last time you promise me, huh? Promise me twenty thousand? And then I find out you shelling out ten thousand Euros to Ferry Bouman to keep selling on Pekka Rollin’s turf. He ain’t gonna forget this, boy-”

“Ten thousand. I can get you ten thousand, you know I can-”

He sees the flash of a gun being raised, can almost feel the air change as the man pulls back the trigger, and then-

Like a flash of lightning, the moment after the fireworks go off. Light everywhere, the snap of sound of thunder, condensed, and then-

In the moment after the light, Kaz can’t see a thing. And then he can: the three grunts Pekka sent after him, lying in an alley, and the remains of several guns, incinerated to crisps. And the flash of something, a person maybe, going around the corner.

“THE FUCK ARE YOU?” He screams into the pouring rain, but no response comes back.

--o0o--

Sometimes, Inej wants to scream at him so loud he can hear it.

“And what were you expecting, exactly? Why can’t you just. . . .” she thinks of the words she hears people using, these days, “stay in your darn lane? You waste your mathematics scores dealing. You waste your German scores on conning tourists. You just . .. you waste your life.”

He’s had the pinched face of a businessman, and an older man, since his parents died. Since his brother died, and he spent his youth pinballing between foster homes and getting increasingly involved in things that the Korps Nationale Politie tend to take a rather dim view of. In all that time, though, she’s rarely seen fear on his face like this. She almost wants to reach out, across the train, tuck the edges of his carefully slicked-back hair back behind his ear, but she doesn’t.

“Why couldn’t you have just . . . stuck to selling overpriced marijuana to tourists or designer knockoffs from behind a tulip stand? Forging Vermeers? Stealing actual Vermeers?”

--o0o--

It’s only when he gets off at Utrecht Centraal that he notices an unfamiliar weight to his jacket pocket.

A neatly folded wad of cash. He flips through it gingerly. Twelve thousand euros.

--o0o--

“You can’t save his ass every time. Otherwise, he’ll never learn, and he’ll go beyond the point where you can save him.”

“But if I don’t save his ass now, he’ll die before he can learn.”

“Ah. That’s the eternal conundrum, isn’t it? Of the teacher and of the guardian angel.”

--o0o--

It’s not a particularly big country, but every time the train ride seems to last all day, and stretch into the night. Inej, at least, doesn’t need to buy a ticket. He buys flowers at Amsterdam Centraal. Changes trains at Maastricht and then again to a rural line, until he gets off at a station that’s nothing more than a strip of concrete alongside the track in a rain-soaked wheat field. There’s no taxis, no buses, only a long road through the countryside and the remainders of a life he’s tried to forget about at the end of it. He unfolds his walking cane and gets a move on.

On a hill, on a farm where the apple orchards have gone to seed and the roof of the house fallen in:

Annemarie and Jawad Rietveld. And a scratched out stone for Jordaan Rietveld.

He leaves the flowers, not particularly giving a fuck about the fact that he could be shot, right here and now, by Pekka Rollins, because this is Pekka Rollins’ land, even if it was Jawad Rietveld’s land first, and then Albert Rietveld’s land before that, even if, on a day so far removed from Kaz’s present life that it feels like someone else’s life entirely, Kaz thought that it would be Jordaan Rietveld’s land in the future.

He feels, in a way, her presence before he can see her.

“I know you’re there.”

She sighs and makes herself visible.

“It’s you. The girl on the train.”

“I don’t think so-” she says, taking on a heavy Flemish accent just in case he remembers her from the police precinct in Groningen. “I’m from Ant-”

“You. Your face.” I could never forget you face, he thinks. The police precinct, and then the train to Utrecht Centraal. A rare sunny day in this pit of gloom and rain, and the way that the sunlight hit her lashes, the curve of her cheeks, the splash of her dark hair, made him think that it was impossible there wasn’t something divine and benevolent in this life, and this world. “Police precinct up North. Gronigen. Train. Amsterdam. Everywhere i go you’re always-” He thinks about pulling the shiv from his pocket. Anyone so interested in following him certainly has ulterior motives, and yet-

“What are you? Why are you always- there?”

“I don’t think, Mr. Brekker, that your . . . theological opinions would permit you to believe me when I tell you what, exactly, I am.”

He shrugs. “Grandson of lapsed NHK’ers and Javanese Sunnis. No god helped them a whit. I don’t think God, if they ever existed, ever looked at this drowning spit of dirt.”

“I think there are many who wouldn’t disagree with you. Some of them, like myself, being of a divine persuasion.”

“Why are you here?”

She doesn’t answer, just turns towards the graves. A light rain has started to fall.

“Do you think you’re following the path they’d be proud of?”

--o0o--

“You know I count as a fucking mature student? Mature.”

Even she has to laugh.

“I’m fucking twenty three. Twenty three. I got carded trying to buy a beer yesterday.”

“But now a student.”

He flashes his new, shiny plastic student card at her. The photo on it still looks like a mugshot.

“What are you studying?”

“Politics. International Relations. How different can the European Council be from the mob, really? Common Agricultural Policy, pay off Europol, work some backroom deals to get shit done.”

Inej resists the urge to burrow her forehead in her jacket sleeves. There are, it turns out, many, many ways for a human to get themselves killed, on this world.

[whimpering-hearts]

I'm curious about the dynamic of Herakles' housing situation. Who gets along? Who hates each other? Who's the asshole who keeps putting empty containers back up?

1P Greece :: Herakles Karpshi

Who?

Oh, yeah, that guy everyone met one time when they first responded to the ad. 

Honestly, the housemates forget he even exists because no one ever sees him.

Jason broke into his room one time - because he thought the guy had keeled over or something - and his bed didn’t even looked like it’d been slept in.

That’s because he’s picking up cute people at the local bars, clubs, and coffee shops, and staying with them overnight.

Household opinion says he’s a total weirdo.

But that’s okay, because Herakles is pretty disappointed that his housemates aren’t the ‘cute’ housemates he wanted.

2P America :: Jason Cardinali

Household opinions are pretty diverse when it comes to Jason. 

Xiao and Issy, both being first-generation immigrants to America, see Jason as the cool, street savvy, hyper masculine ideal they should both strive for. 

With Xiao, this manifests in approval-seeking behavior. 

With Issy, this manifests in imitative behavior, like dying his hair to be the same color as Jason’s, and sporting a similar haircut.

There’s definitely some animosity between Antonio and Jason. 

Antonio came from a middle class background, was a successful high school athlete who gave up a college sports career in favor of modeling, was the golden child of his family, his father’s pride and joy, and has been spoiled by all the opportunities he’s had - and, in some ways, squandered. 

He often labels Jason as a “thug,” a “criminal,” and is casually - and obliviously - offensive in general.

Karl also looks down on Jason, and sees Jason as uneducated, poor, and untrustworthy. He often orders Jason around and treats him like the hired help.

Beau, meanwhile, didn’t grow up with Jason in the Human AU. Instead, Jason was always the - absolutely infuriating - kid of his dad’s best friend. He’s bossy, annoying, and has a punchable face.

2P China :: Xiaoyu “Xiao” Wen

Household opinion pretty much dismisses Xiao as an equal member of the house.

Jason treats Xiao as comedic relief and his go-fer. He doesn’t dislike Xiao, but Xiao’s just… kind of a loser, you know?

Issy, unfortunately, tends to imitate Jason in his treatment of Xiao. However, the two do sometimes bond over their shared “foreignness,” both being first generation (versus later generation) immigrants, and Xiao is pretty much the only housemate who will watch gory movies with Issy.

Antonio doesn’t even realize Xiao lives there. He thinks Xiao’s just one of Jason’s druggie friends who, for some inexplicable reason, is always there.

Karl knows that Xiao lives there, but deems him unworthy of notice. The only thing Xiao is good for is a laugh, because he’s utterly convinced Karl is a serial killer.

Beau is probably the nicest housemate to Xiao, and he tries to come to Xiao’s defense with the other housemates - Jason - when he can. But he’s also so damn frustrated by how Xiao doesn’t stand up for himself.

1P Spain :: Antonio Hernández

Household opinion agrees that Antonio is at his most fun and charming when his mouth is shut.

And so much of that is because Antonio sometimes says classist, racist, or otherwise offensive shit without even realizing he does it.

And then he can’t understand why people get mad at him.

Karl is probably the only household member he gets along with - as much as anyone can get along with Karl, anyway.

Probably because the two of them have the shared history of being down-on-their-luck men from advantageous backgrounds, which puts them a step above the other housemates.

Unfortunately, Antonio has said this out loud in front of everyone else.

Jason is probably his biggest annoyance in the house.

Beau comes in at a close second, because he doesn’t listen to orders very well, refuses to iron Antonio’s clothes, and is all around not very good hired help.

You asked which of these assholes keeps putting empty containers back up, and I can say with confidence that it’s Antonio.

Which only adds friction between Antonio and Jason, because, “Hey, dick weed, we have recycling containers for a reason!”

2P Lithuania :: Isakas “Issy” Gylys

General house consensus is that Issy is just… unmemorable, plain, average, and all around forgettable.

Per Jason, he just doesn’t have “that presence, that oomph factor, you know?”

Some of this is because Issy just isn’t home as much as the other housemates.

If he’s not at the university, and he’s not working on his schoolwork, he’s spending time with Kaz and Jan.

No one even knows what his major is.

(”Art, guys. I keep telling you, it’s art!”)

Perhaps the good thing about being “unmemorable” is that Issy gets along with his housemates fairly well.

Except for Karl.

2P Austria :: Karlheinz “Karl” Richter

Ah, Karl. 

Pretty much everyone in the household agrees that Karl is either a Satanist, a serial killer, or a vampire.

No one has ever seen inside his room, but sometimes they hear really fucking weird sounds coming from behind his door.

Like, “we’re pretty sure he’s sacrificing live animals” levels of weird.

Issy is convinced that Karl will one day come for his precious pet spider, Monika, after he runs out of goats, chickens, and Xiao.

Jason has tried - and failed - to break into Karl’s room more times than he can count because he has to know what’s in there.

Is it dead bodies? It has to be dead bodies.

Antonio and Beau are probably the only two housemates that actually like Karl to any degree, Antonio because he sees a kindred spirit and Beau because Karl is easy to cook for, cleans up after himself, and does his own laundry.

2P Canada :: Beauregard “Beau” Lambert

So, Beau is one of the more unappreciated housemates, especially when you consider how much he does (e.g., cooking, cleaning, laundry).

Jason and Antonio definitely take Beau for granted, boss him around, and otherwise expect him to wait on them hand and foot.

Beau, of course, says fuck that.

And the only reason he hasn’t punched Antonio yet is because it’s easier to catch Jason - and more satisfying.

Xiao and Issy are probably the only two who make any effort to actually help Beau out with the cleaning.

Jason makes an effort to be even messier than usual just so he can watch Beau have to clean up after him.

Which has resulted in Beau collecting every dirty dish, discarded laundry, and piece of trash Jason leaves behind, and dumping it on Jason while he’s sleeping at least twice.

He tried doing something similar with Antonio, but Antonio merely pointed out helpfully that Beau left some things in Antonio’s room.

[grandmas-against-old-man-onion]

Allie needs a fkn nap

@AllieLoveskaz

So here's some tea y'all can choose to sip or not. An Onion Thread.

On multiple occasions I would get snapchats from his husband crying because he was SCREAMING at him. In front of their children. I would send money to Onion's husband so that he could go to Starbucks or something, take the kids with him to get out of the house.

On multiple occasions Onion's husband would send me Snapchats with a young friend of which we are all familiar {Sarah, I assume}, when that friend was (according to Onion)in a different state.

Though Onions husband never really showed an interest in me, onion suggested at multiple occasions i come visit them and “hang out” or cook for them.

Even after blocking me Twitter, onion continues to message me at least bi-weekly on patreon. Onions spouse has talked to me on multiple occasions about him screaming at and belittling him, often call him stupid, a bitch, or a “dumb cunt”

Onions spouse still has feelings for his ex, and has on more than one occasions expressed desire to be at least friends with her, but unable to reconnect due to Onions residual hostility.

Onions spouse wants a girlfriend. Wants a relationship. Every time onion becomes hostile and attacks the potential. Onion becomes insanely jealous, and so begins the verbal abuse.

Onion will attack his spouse’s parental skills, call him a shit mother or lazy, and use the children as bartering chips in arguments.

Onion refuses to clean up after himself, the children, or his animals, leaving his Spouse alone to do it all.

And now: for the personal conspiracy theory:

Is it just me? Or is it INSANE that Onions spouse changed their name to Kai? Just like my BEST friend? Who’s name I used in my users?? Hmmm.

If his Spouse changes their name is Kaz/kastiel I’m gonna fuckin lose it.

Also the unicorn necklace thing???? That his Spouse gave me? Google unicorn in poly relationships. Maybe I’m nitpicking tho idk

If y’all need corroboration: @SpazSpahetti @theyKaz and @ohthatnikita have all vitnessed this shit.

Here’s the spoiled milky for y’all farmers in the chat.

[Snapchat]

Lainbae: I got anothe . complaint too I don’t even know who that is or where they came from but I’ll band

Lainbae: ban

Allie: Okay thank you. I just want everyone to be safe.

NOVEMBER 27TH, 2017

Allie: Hey are you Okay?

Allie: I’m sorry sweetheart. It’s not your fault AT ALL.

Allie: I love you and support you.

Allie: You are valued and important.

Allie: https://youtu.be/9l8ldxyJaUA (video has since been deleted)

Allie: [screenshot]

Screenshot, twiiter i think:

Group name “Bitch Lasagna, ♡ Rose ♡

Allie (presumably): Like I will legit pull my pledge and give it right on over to Lainey think I’m playing

Bitch Lasagna: I will too. I fucking love Lainey. Some-times I wonder if their relationship with Greg is worse ten they both say it is. Him attacking them like this proves it a bit.

[Snapchat]

Allie: We support you babe. No matter what.

Allie: Hey, can I send you like 20$ here and you can get out of the house and go get Starbucks or something?

Lainbae: Got kids dude

Lainbae: But either way I can’t take your money like hat

Lainbae: That

Allie: Yes you can sweetie cuz I want you to

Lainbae: No it’s ok

Allie: Besides I’m doing really well on patreon rn

Allie: You can take the little ones with you?

Lainbae: They’re in bed

Allie: Or leave them with Greg to just chill on your own for a minute.

Lainbae: Nah I don’t want to leave them with him

Allie: He’s they’re dad honey he can be responsible for sleeping ones

Allie: You should call a friend or your grandma or something.

Lainbae: Don’t got none lol

Lainbae: I’ll be fine it’s not like I haven’t dealt with this before

Allie: Call maxie or Sarah?

Allie: Yeah but he said you were crying

Allie: I’m so sorry

Lainbae: Used to it I guess

Part One of Two

[wylanvanwreck]

Modern Dregs AU #11

The Dregs’ ideal dates

listen, these kids are starved for love but sometimes they don’t quite know how to navigate the channels of romance

well, except for Nina and Jesper

they are the MASTERS of planning the perfect dates

let’s start with Nina

she’s the kind of person to treat you to your favorite restaurant, ice cream shop, give you kisses, squeeze your ass in public so everyone knows that whoever she is with is HERS

NO ONE ELSE’S

and of course, this person is Matthias

and he gets all antsy about PDA

“nina, they can see us” “let them watch, see if I care” “okay, but nina................................. I CARE”

nevertheless, she always brings about a good time in the end

as for Jesper, that boy will plan a whole DAY of cute shit

a movie? check. food? check. speeding down the freeway at 100 mph? that’s an aphrodisiac, right?

clearly, if it’s exciting, then it qualifies as material for a date for him

and though Wylan would be down for that (in canon, he’s a fucking demo expert, he better be cool with adrenaline rush)

sometimes a day in is nice too

sometimes for a date he’ll serenade Jesper with the flute

don’t tell me Wylan isn’t the kid to throw rocks at your window to do just this because ALL MUSICIANS WHO ARE DATING SOMEONE DOES THIS SHIT

and Jesper swoons

a little much

one time he fell out of the window

“oh my god, Jesper, are you okay?” *wheezes* “it’s okay, i just fell in love” “......YOU COULD’VE DIED”

jesper’s a podge

as for Matthias

don’t tell me he can’t cook because you bet he does

he’ll cook a full eight-course meal if you asked him to

for Nina, it’s mostly waffles but he’ll do other sweet stuff to

flowers and candles and rose petals galore

even if the man’s blushing the whole time he sets up a table just for her

what a puppy

sometimes Kuwei likes to ask about the dates

“what did you guys do” “you’re too young, we’ll tell you when you’re older” “....does that mean you fucked”

and this is where Matthias runs away screaming

Kaz and Inej though

oh boy

they don’t know WHAT they like

Kaz doesn’t really have a preference as long as its not like long walks through the park or anywhere for that matter

most likely, he’d be completely fine with staying in and binge-watching shows he likes with the person he likes

and we all know that’s Inej

and though she convinces him sometimes to go out and actually do stuff for dates

like dress up, go out for dinner, the whole shebang

she’s not quite particular about anything either

for them, as long as they’re side by side, nothing else matters

that is, until Jesper calls one of them

“what are you doing” “i’m watching netflix with Inej” “WAIT, LIKE NETFLIX AND CHILL HOLY SHIT HAVE YOU DONE ANYTHING YET” “what the fuck jes” “USE PROTECTION”

sometimes inej falls asleep with her head on his shoulder

actually, nevermind, that is Kaz’s ideal date right there, end of story

Requested by @thequeenfangirl

[6ofcrowsoncrack]

gasps if ur willing to talk rarepairs. do u have any hcs for. kaz and wylan. bc ofc im the one who ships the super dangerous sarcastic asshole with the Nice Boy this is my destiny

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

- When Wylan meets Kaz he’s immediately infatuated by Kaz’s ability to give no shits about what other people think

- Kaz always went out of his way to make sure to tell Wylan that he was wanted and valued even before they dated

- Wylan was horrible at hiding the fact he thought Kaz was hot like the boy would be blushing every time Kaz got near him.

- Wylan tries to subtly flirt. Emphasis on trying. He is not subtle. Kaz doesn’t mind though.

- Kaz is actually the one to make the first move after a month of Wylan’s horribly disguised flirting

- The constantly play with each other’s hair, Kaz likes playing with Wylan’s wild curls and Wylan likes to style Kaz’s hair in different ways

- Wylan is the only person who can play music Kaz will actually actively listen to. Plus, Kaz thinks it’s sexy when Wylan’s holding an instrument

- On Wylan’s birthday Kaz steals/bribes an entire chemistry lab for the Van Eck manor

- They also totally have matching rings. Kaz totally didn’t steal said rings.

- 1AM walks on the docks when one of them has a nightmare and can’t go back to sleep

- Wylan likes to practice painting Kaz

- Kaz is incredibly protective of Wylan everyone in Ketterdam knows not to mess with Wylan or a hoard of Dregs will be knocking at their door, a very angry Kaz leading them. Basically Wylan is (mostly) a cinnamon roll and Kaz will murder anyone who so much as glances at him the wrong way

- Kaz would pickpocket the entire world for Wylan and Wylan would blow up the entire world for Kaz

- Dates usually end in cuddles and occasionally fireworks ;)

- Wylan teaching Kaz how to cook something fancier than rice for dinner dates

- Early morning showers together

- The roofs of either the Van Eck Manor or Crow Club are their favorite spots. Even when they’re not talking they can still sense each other’s emotions

[nicolabarth]

Ducifer - Fair Fight

Pairing: Ducifer

Summary: Dean Winchester is stationed on some backwater planet, when the Confederation of Hell attacks. I wrote this for @abagel321. It was supposed to be a space AU. I don’t know how my brain went to battlemechs from there. Sorry, I hope you like it.

Warnings: battlemechs, mechfight, talk of slavery, Baby gets hurt

Read it on AO3

Tagging: @coplins @brieflymaximumprincess @lucibae-is-dancing-in-hell

When the line of enemy battlemechs appears over the hill, Dean knows he’s in deep shit. He’s lost contact with Cole. His partner was supposed to make a quick round along the perimeters of the mudhole they call a base on this backwater planet. He should’ve been back a while ago. When he hadn’t answered Dean’s calls, Dean had climbed into Baby’s cockpit. The official designation of the black battlemech that towered 16 feet over the base was KAZ 2Y5, but Dean had never liked that impersonal string of numbers and letters. So Baby it is.

Now Dean has Baby take a step towards his enemies. He can’t win this fight, but the red paintjob of the enemy mechs tells him they’re from the Confederation of Hell, and what he’s heard about how they treat prisoners, it’s better to go out with all guns blazing. He powers up the plasma canons in the shoulders of his mech and makes sure the laser canon in Baby’s metal hand is online. Then he waits. He’ll take as many of them with him as he can.

“Did they really only station two of you on this wretched mudhole?“ The voice that comes over the radio sounds amused. One mech steps forward. It’s a bit taller than Baby and there are horns on the head that holds the cockpit. After another step it also unfolds big metal wings on his back. Flashy.

“What kind of douchebag puts horns and wings on his mech?“ Dean murmurs. Then he opens a channel to answer. “As you said, it’s nothing but a wretched mudhole.“

“But it holds some strategic value. That’s why I have to inform you that it’s now property of the Confederation of Hell. Get out of your mech and surrender and no one has to get hurt.“

“From what I’ve heard, surrendering will only postpone the hurt a bit. So thanks no thanks.“

There’s a sigh at the other end of the line. “It only hurts until you turn, but suit yourself,“ comes the answer. “Let’s make this a fair fight, though. It’s you against me.“

“I’ll take you down and some of your pals, too.“

“Big mouth for someone who’s been stationed on a wretched mudhole.“ The winged mech steps closer.

“What can I say? I’m good at getting my superiors pissed at me.“

Especially Zachariah that asshole who was the driving force behind Dean ending up stationed here.

The guy on the other end of the line laughs. “What’s your name?“

“Dean. Yours?“

“Lucifer.“

Oh fuck. He’s heard about Lucifer. Enemy general, ruthless, efficient, deadly. Dean’s probably going to go down faster then he thought. No reason giving up though. He’s dead anyway. He’ll make it count as good as he can.

“I take it by your silence that you’ve heard of me.“

“Don’t let it go to your head.“

There’s a chuckle at the other side of the line, then Lucifer attacks.

Laser beams hit Baby’s armour plates, before Dean can make the mech duck out of the way. He answers with everything he has, but the metal wings of Lucifer’s mech fold forward, acting as a shield. Okay, maybe not such a stupid move to put wings on your battlemech. Time to change tactics. Dean storms forward. Baby crashes into Lucifer’s mech, into the wings that shatter under the impact. As he thought, those things are made to absorb laser fire, not withstand physical force.

“Either you’re stupidly reckless“, he hears Lucifer’s voice over the radio, “or you actually know how to handle a close quarters mech brawl. I hope the later. You know how long it’s been since I –“

He never gets to finish his sentence. Dean rams Baby’s laser canon between two armor plates of Lucifer’s mech. “Less talking.“

Before he gets to push the fire button though, the metal fist of Lucifer’s mech crashes down on Dean’s cockpit.

Glass splinters, and cold wet air rushes in. Dean curls into a ball on his pilot seat as good as he can, half expecting to get crushed. The fist of Lucifer’s mech catches on a supporting beam though, and Lucifer pulls it back before it reaches Dean.

Hurridly Dean fumbles for the controls. He pushes all the fire buttons at once, a really stupid move considering how close he is to his target. Cold air gets replaced with hot, an explosion has Baby stumble back. Dean fights for control of his mech, fights to keep Baby upright. When the world stops spinning, he looks through the broken window of his cockpit to see a big hole in the torso of Lucifer’s mech.

“You still alive, Dean?“ comes the half mocking question over the radio.

“Not going out that easy,“ he croaks in answer.

“Glad to hear that. What you just did was really stupid, but also kind of impressive. I’m starting to like you.“

“Any chance that’ll make you give up and go home?“

“Can’t do that, sorry.“

Dean checks his controles. His move was even more stupid than he thought. He lost his laser canon, and one of the plasma weapons is damaged. If he wants to win against Lucifer, it has to stay close combat. Baby’s engines howl, as Dean makes her storm forward again. For the second time he crashes into Lucifer’s mech. He drives Baby’s metal fist into the hole that’s already there, twisting and ripping. He can hear metal scream. Warning lights flash on his console that tell him that the hydraulics in Baby’s arm are going to give out any minute. He doesn’t care.

“Trying to break my mech’s heart? At least buy me dinner first.“

“No restaurants here, sorry. Would you settle for something home cooked?“ Why isn’t Lucifer trying to dislodge him? Dean’s pretty sure he’s almost at the core by now, at the engine that powers Lucifer’s mech. If he can get a good grip on it, if he can do enough damage.

“You can cook?“

“Pretty decently, yup.“

There’s movement in Lucifer’s cockpit. Their mechs are almost face to face so it’s not hard to see Lucifer getting out of his pilot seat. His cockpit opens and for a split second Dean can see a blond man, maybe a few years older than him. Dean tries to lift Baby’s other arm, but it’s too late. Lucifer jumps out of his own cockpit and right through Dean’s broken window.

He lands half on Dean, pins him to his pilot seat, and the next moment there’s a laser gun pressed underneath Dean’s chin.

“I like a man who can cook,“ Lucifer purrs. And fuck, the man has charisma. For a moment Dean can feel his heart speed up for reasons that have nothing to do with the weapon he’s threatened with or the fight he’s been in. Then the reality of the situation comes crashing back.

“Yeah?“ Dean asks. “Then do me a favor and put that gun to good use. If only half of the stories I heard are true ...“

“They are, but I have a proposal for you.“

“Is that so?“ Dean shifts a bit, but that only leads to Lucifer’s knee pressing into his stomach. “What kind of proposal?“

“As I said, you impressed me. As general I do have the right to keep prisoners for myself.“

“As a slave?“

Lucifer nods. “As a slave. For now. According to Hell’s law you can buy back your freedom after ten years.“

“Didn’t know my cooking skills would land me such a prestigious job one day,“ Dean deadpans.

“That’s more thanks to your fighting skills. And your good looks don’t hurt either.“

“That kind of slave then, huh?“

“Technically whatever kind of slave I want you to be. I don’t force myself on people that are unwilling though.“

“How do I know you’re going to keep your word?“

“You have heard of me, haven’t you?“

Yes, Dean has heard the rumors that Lucifer never lies and always keeps his promises. He isn’t quite sure, if it’s true though.

“The other option?“

Lucifer shows his teeth in a less than friendly grin. “Quick death. Because I like you. But maybe there are some people you might want to see again one day?“

Dean thinks of Sammy and swallows against the gun. “Okay,“ he says after a moment. “I surrendor to you and to you only.“

“Good choice. Mind if I tie you up until I know, if I can trust your word?“

Dean gives him a suggestive looks and a cocky grin. “You’re not waisting any time getting kinky, eh?“

Lucifer laughs. “I get the feeling I made a really good catch with you.“