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violetwolfraven · 4 years ago

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Fix You

((Part 2 of Already Home! It’s written to Fix You by Coldplay! Btw it won’t really make sense unless you read Already Home first, so it might be in your best interest to read that before starting this. Enjoy, y’all!))

Tw: non-graphic injuries, the word wh*re, mentioned anti-semitism, implied period-typical homophobia, implied racism—mostly all by one guy but don’t worry they beat him up

...

“Jack?”

“What?”

Sophia looked worried, and Jack sighed, realizing she’d probably said his name multiple times already.

That happened sometimes. He spaced out and lost himself, thinking of home.

Of Crutchie, of Race, of Romeo and Elmer and Specs and Smalls and all the other newsies. Of Katherine and Sarah, Medda and Denton and Kloppman. Even of Spot and the other leaders of other boroughs, for Christ’s sake.

But especially of Davey. Mostly of Davey.

All he’d wanted was to come to Santa Fe to say goodbye to his grandfather. Instead, he’d gotten stuck here for months.

When you try your best but you don’t succeed

It was funny, wasn’t it? How he’d spent his entire childhood dreaming of Santa Fe—being obsessed with it, really, and now wanted nothing more than to get the hell out.

That was what he got for not listening to Davey. For holding on when he shouldn’t have.

Sophia was the one good thing that had come out of this. If Jack hadn’t come out west, he would never have found out he even had an aunt.

And he loved her dearly. She was the kind of good aunt that was okay with her nephew loving another boy and supportive of him wanting to leave her to go back to the city her sister had died in.

But she wasn’t home.

When you get what you want but not what you need

“Dinner’s ready,” she said, “I made your favorite.”

Jack smiled, standing up from where he was sitting on the porch, “Thanks, Aunt Sophia.”

“Well, we have to do something special for tonight, don’t we?” she asked as they went inside, “It’s your last night here.”

Jack nodded. He hoped his smile didn’t look as fake as it felt.

He’d been in Santa Fe for a year.

When you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep

It really all felt like a dream, bittersweet and terrible, heartbreaking and lovely. It felt like coming home, to where his roots were, and simultaneously letting his highest branches, the parts that really saw the sun, die.

There was no shortage of sun or moon in Santa Fe. They just weren’t the ones Jack wanted to see.

He wanted to wake up on the rooftop of the Lodging House, where there were fewer stars, a colder sun, and a fainter moon.

After all, if he was on the roof in New York, it would mean that the brightest stars were all downstairs from him, safe in their beds in the forms of a unique, strange family of boys and girls. It would mean the sun was sleeping across from him, his smile below the horizon for the night. It would mean that the moon was either just across the borough, shining over his own brother and sister, or curled up safe in Jack’s arms, his light burning away even the worst of his nightmares.

He hoped they were all still there when he got home.

“I’m going to miss you, Jack,” Sophia admitted.

“I’m going to miss you, too.”

It wasn’t a lie. But Jack’s place was in Manhattan and Sophia’s was in Santa Fe. He didn’t know if he would ever see her again after tomorrow, but he had to believe that she would be alright here by herself.

“Tell that boy of yours ‘hello’ for me,” she said with a smile, “And your mama’s friend, Medda, tell her ‘thank you.’ For being there for Anita when I couldn’t be.”

“I will,” Jack promised.

Stuck in reverse

He would miss his Aunt Sophia, but knowing that he would be going home tomorrow morning, Jack was happy. He felt like he was finally waking up.

He guessed it wasn’t surprising that he couldn’t sleep that night.

Jack was excited to be going home, yes. He was going to miss Sophia, so that was bittersweet. But what he was really worried about was...

What he was really worried about was if his home was going to be there when he got back.

Jack choked on a sob, trying to keep quiet as his thoughts ran rampant.

When the tears come streaming down your face

What if somebody had died over the winter? They’d lost kids to sickness or starvation or cold before. Hell, they’d lost Jack’s mentor—the previous leader of Manhattan—that way.

Jack remembered that terrible day, sobbing so hard that he could barely hear Waffles’s goodbye. He was 14. They’d lost more than a few kids that year, and a good half of them had been under Jack’s watch. Since then, he’d lost a few more across two more winters, and it never got easier.

The only thing worse than watching someone he loved die would be them dying, and Jack not even knowing. Jack not being there for them.

When you lose something you can’t replace

He’d lost a year in Santa Fe. Besides just the fact that he had no idea what terrible things might have happened while he was gone, he had to have missed a lot of little things.

He wondered how much Smalls, Romeo, and the other younger ones had grown. He wondered if Puddles, the latest Little when he left, had started losing baby teeth yet. He wondered if Kath and Sarah had finally sucked it the hell up and admitted their feelings.

Oh, God, and Specs was only a little younger than Jack was. They were the oldests, and they were getting a bit old to be newsies. What if one of Jack’s oldest friends had moved on and he wasn’t there to see it?

Most of all, he was terrified to know, but he wondered if Davey was still waiting for him.

A year was a long time. He wouldn’t blame him for moving on if he had. After a year of nothing, what if Davey had assumed he was dead or never coming home and found someone else?

He’d come to Santa Fe out of love for his mother, because it was something she’d never gotten to do.

And he might have lost everyone he loved because of it.

When you love someone but it goes to waste

He hoped they’d held up alright without him. He just knew Davey would be too dumb to stay away if sickness came through. He would be right in the thick of it.

Sickness could kill you whether you had parents or not.

God, Jack was going to have a panic attack, just thinking about the possibilities of what might be happening without him.

Could it be worse?

He really hoped they were all okay.

...

Lights will guide you home

Jack hugged Sophia on the train platform, the feeling bittersweet but happy.

“I love you, Auntie.”

“I love you, too, Jack,” she responded, “Remember...”

“I’ll tell my friends you said hello,” he agreed, “Davey, too.”

“And Medda,” she reminded him.

“Yeah.”

“Tell her hello and thank you for me.”

The train whistle blew. Jack startled, knowing he had to go now.

“Go,” Sophia said quickly, “I love you. Go home to your family, Jack.”

Jack hugged her one last time, kissing his aunt on the cheek real quick, “Love you, too.”

With that, he ran off, lightning thrumming through his veins.

He was excited and terrified as he boarded that train, but the important thing was that he was going home.

And ignite your bones

The entire train ride was spent trying not to panic.

With nothing to do but think, Jack could just try to redirect his fears to more positive thoughts.

And I will try

Albert hadn’t finally antagonized the wrong person. Even if he had, the others had protected him.

Sniper’s father hadn’t killed her. Maybe she’d finally moved into the Lodging House for good.

Mush and Blink hadn’t gotten caught. They’d probably been warned by Davey and Race and Crutchie to be more careful in public.

Race hadn’t gotten his heart broken by Spot. In fact, Spot had probably saved his ass from at least one fight he couldn’t handle.

Crutchie hadn’t gotten sick too bad this winter. He’d stayed strong, and the others had helped him pull through.

Davey hadn’t moved on.

As much as Jack hated the idea of him hurting, he knew that Davey Jacobs was the last person he was ever going to love, and he was pretty sure that Davey felt the same.

Everyone he loved was still waiting for him in New York.

They probably missed him, but he could pick up the pieces when he got home.

To fix you

Hopefully.

...

And high up above or down below

“So, you’re sure we can’t avoid it?”

Race nodded grimly, “I ain’t one to rumble if we don’t have to, but Midtown’s been pushin’ since Hound aged out. If we don’t let ‘em know we won’t stand for it, they’ll move on our territory.”

Davey sighed. He’d liked Hound. He was a good kid, and now he was a good man. Under him, Manhattan and Midtown had been allies for years, but the new leader, Trumpet, wasn’t like him. And Davey knew that they couldn’t afford to lose territory on his watch.

Being acting leader of Manhattan was exhausting. He’d learned that the hard way over the last... a little over a year, now.

He’d been leading mainly by asking himself what Jack would do. He didn’t always do whatever that was, but now... he didn’t know what to do, here, truthfully.

When you’re too in love to let it go

He still asked himself what Jack would do.

“Dave, I don’t like it either,” Crutchie said from where he was sitting on the other side of the room, “But Trumpet ain’t gonna stop ‘less we make him. And besides, that ain’t even takin’ into account how he’s morally askin’ for it.”

“I get that you don’t like him,” Davey reasoned, “I don’t like him, either, but I’m still looking for a peaceful way to—“

“No, Davey,” Race interrupted, “Ya don’t know what he’s been sayin’. What I’s heard him say ‘bout you.”

“Why? What’s he been sayin’?” Davey asked, immediately on-guard. He didn’t like the idea of that certain newsie knowing certain things about him. And he definitely didn’t like the idea of him possibly knowing things about damn near all the Manhattan kids over the age of 14 by extension.

“Don’t worry,” Race said absentmindedly, “He don’t know nothin’ ‘bout queer stuff. But it’s damn near as bad. He deserves to get soaked on what he said ‘bout Kath alone, and—“

“Race, slow down,” Davey said, getting in front of him to stop his pacing, “What’s he been sayin’? Start with Kath.”

“He-he said...” Race growled under his breath, looking at the ground.

It must be bad if Race couldn’t say it.

Crutchie sighed, “He called Kath a whore.”

Davey felt anger flash through him, red hot, “Oh.”

“He used a lot of unsavory names,” Race growled, “Comments I ain’t gonna repeat ‘bout Mush and Specs for bein’ black, Sniper and Romeo for bein’ Asian, Crutchie for needin’ the crutch—he’s gotta go down.”

“He said things ‘bout me being Jewish, didn’t he?” Davey asked slowly.

Crutchie nodded, “About Sarah and Les, too, but mostly ‘bout you.”

Davey didn’t like the idea of a full-fledged rumble, but the way he was feeling right now, he wanted to pound Trumpet into the ground.

But if you never try, you never know

“I’d rumble just for what he said about Kath,” he said truthfully, “Go meet with Midtown’s second—pick a time and place.”

Race grinned and ran out the door.

Crutchie sighed, “He didn’t say it, but Trumpet said things ‘bout him, too, for bein’ Italian. He made a few comments ‘bout the others, but most of it was ‘bout you, me, and him.”

“Cause we’s the leaders,” Davey muttered.

He wondered if Jack had had to deal with this shit.

He probably had, though his Mexican heritage wasn’t immediately obvious in his face.

Davey knew he wasn’t as much of a fighter as his lover was. He didn’t know if he could lead Manhattan to win this rumble, but he had to try.

Just what you’re worth

“Come on,” he told Crutchie, “We need to get the others ready.”

They hadn’t talked about Jack in months, but he knew they were both thinking about him as they went to get Manhattan’s kids ready for battle.

...

Lights will guide you home

Davey stared across the road, the fading daylight of sunset over the two groups of newsies.

He didn’t know if he could be as strong as Jack would be, but he knew he would fight as hard as he damn could to defend the other Manhattan kids.

His kids. His and Jack’s, even if Jack wasn’t here right now.

He was realizing now, standing in front of them, preparing to defend their territory, that they were his family, as much as Sarah and Les and his parents were.

He was sure as hell going to fight for his family.

“If Manhattan wins, stay the hell off our turf!” he called to Trumpet, “If Midtown wins, you can have some of the territory you want!”

Trumpet laughed, “Yeah, whatever!”

Then he yelled something that made Davey see red, and before he knew it, he was feeling his knuckles bruise as his fist connected with Trumpet’s stupid nose.

And ignite your bones

He heard a crack, and the kid was on the ground, but Davey didn’t have time to feel good about that because he was already fending off another, taking a punch in the jaw as he fought.

He hadn’t felt so alive since the strike, the adrenaline of the battle toxic and exhilarating.

He wished he could enjoy it more.

But he kept looking for hazel eyes and a sarcastic smile, checking where one person was in all this, hoping to see that he was alright.

That one person wasn’t, because he wasn’t there.

And I will try

Davey forced himself to think of something else, to focus just on fighting instead.

He had to take care of Manhattan. His chosen family, and he couldn’t do that if he wasn’t in one piece, too.

To fix you

“It’s over,” Davey spat as the rumble ended, Manhattan having kicked Midtown’s ass.

Trumpet, on the ground, looked angry but picked himself up, calling to his kids and limping back towards his borough.

They were still kids, and normally, Davey would feel bad that he’d assisted in soaking them, but tonight, he couldn’t afford to care. He needed to get his own kids home.

“Alright!” he called, spotting one of his seconds and a few others who weren’t hurt too bad, “Specs, I need a headcount! Race, on the way home, I need ya to catalogue everybody’s injuries! Smalls, go run ahead and tell Crutchie to get a lot of first aid equipment ready! Let’s go, Manhattan! We’re going home!”

...

Tears stream

Jack was waiting by the door when the train stopped, practically bouncing around as it slowed down.

He hadn’t slept or ate the whole train ride.

Another passenger by the door smiled at him, “Excited, huh?”

“Oh, yeah,” Jack said immediately, “I’s been away a long time, but New York’ll always be my home.”

The guy looked surprised, and Jack realized that a year in New Mexico had made the slight Spanish accent he’d already been hiding stronger. He spoke like his Aunt Sophia now.

Like his mom.

As comforting as the familiarity of it was, a foreign accent wasn’t really a good thing for a newsie. Jack would have to get back into his thick New York accent, and fast.

He cleared his throat and managed to sound a bit more like his old self, “It’s good to be back.”

The other passenger nodded, still kind of baffled, and Jack jumped off the train before it was even fully stopped.

Down your face

He took a second to just breathe on the platform.

Jack hadn’t fully realized that New York had a smell before, but he was realizing it now, getting reaquainted with it.

He was happy to be home.

It was late enough that no newsies were out selling, and Jack adjusted his bag on his shoulder as he started walking, one step at a time, towards the Lodging House. He had to force himself not to run, because nothing looked more suspicious than a young man sprinting and Jack really didn’t want to waste time dealing with the bulls tonight.

A year was a long time, and Jack knew he could never get that time back, but he had to believe that nothing had changed too much.

When you lose something you cannot replace

Then he was standing in front of the Duane Street Lodging House and suddenly, he couldn’t breathe.

Taking a deep breath as he walked in the door, he was surprised to see one of the few adults he trusted still up at the front desk, writing something in one of his books.

Kloppman dropped his pencil out of shock when he looked up.

“Jack?”

“Hey, Kloppman,” Jack said awkwardly. He was staying quiet, knowing the others were all probably asleep upstairs with only a few possible exceptions.

The old man moved around the desk to wrap him in a tight hug, and Jack realized that he’d been so worried about missing his kids that he’d barely thought to miss Kloppman, but he definitely knew how much he’d missed him, now.

“It’s good to see ya, kid,” he said, pulling back to thump Jack on the shoulder, “Everyone’s missed ya.”

“And they’s okay?” Jack asked, “They all—“

“You worry too much for someone your age,” Kloppman interrupted, grumbling, “They’s fine. They’s all fine. There’s a few new Littles ya ain’t met, but we didn’t lose nobody. Even Specs ain’t found anywhere to move out to yet.”

Jack breathed a sigh of relief, “Good. Winter don’t get cold in Santa Fe and I was pretty worried—“

“Are you cryin, kid?”

Tears stream

Jack shook his head, “No!”

He wasn’t. He was not crying because the fact that it was so good to be home wasn’t enough to make someone as strong as Jack Kelly cry.

“Jack?”

If Jack wasn’t crying before, he definitely was when Crutchie nearly tackled him to the ground with a bone-crushing hug.

Down your face and I...

“You’s...” Crutchie stared at his face as he pulled back, like he couldn’t believe Jack was actually there, “You’s here? Ya came home?”

Jack nodded, smiling through his tears, “I’m home.”

He decided to ignore the fact that tears were soaking into the shoulder of his shirt as Crutchie hugged him again.

Kloppman smiled at Jack over his brother’s shoulder, patted them both on the back, and went back to his work.

“So, how is everyone?” Jack asked, wiping his eyes on his sleeve, “‘Sides how nobody’s dead.”

Tears stream

He couldn’t bring himself to ask directly about Davey. Not in front of Kloppman, at least. And he did want to know how the others were, too.

“We almost lost a few to the flu, but we didn’t,” Crutchie reported, “‘Course, right now, everybody’s a bit banged up ‘cause we had a rumble with Midtown, but—“

“We rumbled with Midtown?” Jack asked, shocked, “But Hound’s an ally!”

“Hound retired. Trumpet became leader and y’know what an ass he is.”

“Right,” Jack said.

Truth be told, he didn’t remember Trumpet. But if he was enough of an ass that he’d provoked a rumble between two long-standing allies, he must be bad.

“Who won?”

“We did,” Crutchie reported, “Davey lead us to victory.”

Down your face

It was like the air had gotten sucked out of the room. Jack couldn’t respond.

“He’s been leadin’ since ya left,” Kloppman said, like it was simple, “I had my doubts ‘bout him, what with how he started the strike, but he really stepped up, that boy of yours.”

Jack’s mind zeroed in on the tail end of that, “What do ya mean by ‘that boy of—“

“I’m old, kid, not blind. If I could figure out Race was seein’ that short kid from Brooklyn, I could figure out you. Long as you’s happy and don’t get caught, it don’t matter to me.”

Jack really should have expected that Kloppman would know.

He was still frozen. He didn’t know what to do.

Crutchie put a comforting hand on his shoulder, “He’s been stayin’ here most nights, takin’ care of everyone. Les stays over some, too, but... well, we planned the rumble tonight, so not tonight.”

“And...” Jack cleared his throat, “And Davey?”

“Ya ain’t gonna run off and leave him again, are ya?” Kloppman asked.

That question stunned Jack to silence, though he wasn’t sure if it was from offense, guilt, or shock.

I promise you

Crutchie sighed, “He took it pretty hard, Jack. He ain’t been the same since we got that letter.”

As much as that information hurt and made it hard to think, Jack knew his answer.

“I’m stayin’ right here in New York,” he said firmly, “I came back ‘cause I missed all of ya so much it hurt, but Davey most of all. I kept workin’ even when it seemed like I’d never make enough because I love him and I am never leavin’ again.”

Crutchie squeezed his shoulder, smiling.

“He’s up in the washroom. If you’s quiet, ya won’t wake anyone.”

I will learn from my mistakes

Jack tried to climb the stairs silently, only sneaking one peek into the bunk room to confirm that, yes, all the others were there.

Tears stream

They were safe. Seeing that for himself meant more than hearing it from Kloppman and Crutchie.

The washroom was empty except for one boy, standing at the sink with his back to the door.

He was washing out old bandages, the slump in his shoulders the only thing that betrayed the exhaustion which no one who didn’t know him as well as Jack did would recognize.

“I told ya, Kloppman, I don’t need help,” he called quietly over his shoulder, without looking back, “I can manage this by myself.”

Down your face and I...

Jack took a deep breath, “Don’t mean ya have to.”

Davey dropped the bandage he was holding, seeming frozen to the spot.

He took a couple seconds before he turned around, his shocked eyes instantly landing on Jack’s.

God, Jack had missed those eyes.

Lights will guide you home

“...Jack.”

“Davey.”

Jack crossed the room, but stopped a few feet short of his lover.

He didn’t know if this was still okay. He had been gone for a year.

“Is this...” Davey took a shaky breath, and Jack realized that he looked like he was going to cry, “Is this real?”

“It’s real,” Jack promised, “I’m home.”

Davey gasped as he reached out to touch Jack’s arm, like he hadn’t expected it to be true.

He looked terrible. He had bruises all over his hands and face, and Jack was sure there would be more under his shirt. And besides that, the dark circles under his eyes said quite clearly that he hadn’t slept in a while.

“Dave,” Jack whispered, reaching up to touch the shiner he must have gotten in that rumble Crutchie mentioned.

“I’m fine, Jack,” Davey said, grabbing his hand and tugging him closer, “You should see the other guy.”

They weren’t quite hugging, but Jack’s chuckle still shook both of them, “I ain’t worried ‘bout the other guy. I’m worried ‘bout you.”

And ignite your bones

He sighed, “I don’t know how you did it, all these years by yourself. I’ve been barely keeping everyone alive for just one.”

“You did,” Jack reminded him, wiping a tear off the other boy’s face, “You did. You kept my family alive, Davey. Thank you.”

Davey rolled his eyes, “Our family, Jackie.”

“Our family.”

Jack didn’t really know what there was left to say. What could possibly convey how much it had hurt to be away, how much of a relief it was to be here along the skyline of New York again, the stars safely in the next room and the sun downstairs.

And the moon right there in his arms.

“I missed you,” Jack whispered, “I’m never leavin’ ya again.”

Davey studied his face, then sighed deeply as he leaned their foreheads together, “You’d better not.”

Then they were kissing as if the last year hadn’t happened.

Jack knew that it had, and they would have a lot to talk about, preferably in the morning.

But for now, everything was fine. Jack was home.

And I will try... to fix you

#newsies #javid #javey #jack kelly #david davey jacobs #davey jacobs #david jacobs #already home/fix you au #violet’s writing

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sunlitblue · 6 years ago

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To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before (3)

and here’s part three! sorry, this part doesn’t have too much plot stuff, but that’s only bc the next one is gonna be pretty exciting. thank you to everyone who’s been giving this story love, you’re all angels. enjoy! <3 (also i’m still figuring out some of the plot of this, so message me w your theories on who sent the letters or send me memes u think race would tag you in!)

part 1 / part 2 / part 4 / part 5 / part 6 / part 7 / part 8

The next day, you stayed at school a little late, figuring you could catch Race after track practice to discuss your… arrangement. It also had the added benefit of allowing you to avoid Jack, who you knew was spending most afternoons at the community theatre across town, helping them paint backdrops for an upcoming show.

(You weren’t stalking him, or memorising his schedule, or anything. You were just observant. You took note of behaviour. That was it.)

Race was on his last lap around the track when he saw you sitting on the bleachers. You gave him a little wave and his face lit up with a smile. He winked and kept on running. When he was done, and presumably back in the locker room, your phone pinged with four rapid texts from an unknown number.

hey babe I’m just showering and then I’ll come see you ;)

this is race btw

i’m really good at texting like a boyfriend

fake or otherwise

Even though he couldn’t see you, you rolled your eyes anyway.

Yeah, okay hotshot

Come find me on the bleachers when you’re ready

When Race showed up, with a red face and wet, curly hair he gave you a cheeky grin, looked around to see some of the track team boys were still milling around, and he placed a quick peck on your cheek. You didn’t let yourself blush, remembering that it was all for show, and you pulled up a Word document on your laptop.

“Okay, so, this is going to be our contract,” you said, preparing yourself for his teasing.

“We have a contract? This isn’t Suits, man. It’s a fake relationship. We don’t need a contract!”

“Uh, we so do need a contract, Higgins! We need to draw boundaries and limits and we need to stick to them.”

He rolled his eyes and moved a little nearer to you on the bench, so that he could see your laptop screen.

“Wow, nothing like a list of comprehensive rules and guidelines to really bring the romance, huh?”

“Fake-romance,” you corrected him.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. So, what’s first on the contract?”

“Okay, first up, no kissing.”

He spluttered comically for a bit.

“No kissing? How are we supposed to convince anyone that we’re dating if we can’t kiss?”

“Look, plenty of couples avoid PDA. We can still, like, link pinkies or whatever.”

“Link pinkies? Wha-? Are you living in the 80s? This isn’t Grease, babe.”

“Look, Race, physical stuff may not mean anything to you, but it’s important to me, okay?”

“Whoever said physical stuff didn’t matter to me?”, he muttered under his breath. But, after a moment he sighed. “Fiine, put it on the contract.

You typed it up and looked expectantly at him.

“Okay, you get no kissing, but, number two, you have to hang out with me and my friends at lunch and come to parties with me.”

“Technically, that’s two and three. And, I get parties, but why lunch?”

He stared at the ground.

“Spot always sat with us at lunch, so he’d definitely notice if you were with me and the guys.”

“Fair enough.”

You typed that, and then said, “Also, we cannot tell anyone that this is fake. Gossip spreads like wildfire at this school so nobody can know that this isn’t a real relationship. Not even Albert, or your track team buddies.”

“Obviously. And don’t act like I can’t keep secrets. You can’t tell Davey or Katherine. I had journalism with her last year and I’m pretty sure that she would disapprove of this plan.”

He was right, of course he was.

“Fine, deal. Anything else?”

“Oh! You have to come with me on the ski trip trip in December,” he said triumphantly.

Your high school’s annual ski trip was infamous for being the weekend when most of your school lost their virginity. Some schools had the night after prom, but your school had two days and a night spent in the mountains.

“The ski trip? As in the one just before Christmas break? We’d have to stay together for three months to go on that.”

“Listen, no one in a relationship would ever let their boyfriend go on that trip alone. And, if we’ve gotta keep up until then, then so be it. Spot will definitely be there, so he’ll notice if I’m with someone else. We can break up after the trip, no harm, no foul.”

“Okay, fine. But we will not be sharing a room.”

“Yeah, obviously.”

“Anything else you want me to add, oh wise one?” you asked.

“Uh, well, there is this one thing,” he said, sounding a little hesitant. You motioned for him to go on. “Well, Spot always thought it would be cute if I wrote him little letters and put them in his locker or gave them to him, or whatever, and I never did it. Um, if he saw me giving those to you, he’d probably get pretty jealous.”

“Badass Spot Conlon, who would beat up anyone who looked at him wrong wanted love letters? That’s so cute!”

“Yeah, there’s a lot more to him than just being angry and bitchy. I bet he’s got his college boyfriend writing him all sorts of letters now,” Race scoffed.

“He left you for a college guy? That’s rough, Race. I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, its whatever,” Race quickly said. “So, that’s the contract, then?”

“Yeah,” you said, satisfied.

“Perfect,” he grinned, and his blue eyes were twinkling again.

“You do know that you missed the bus today, right?” he said, after a moment.

“Uh, yeah, I was just gonna walk home.”

“Holy shit, what is it with you and walking? Do you not have your license?”

“Uh, I do. But driving terrifies me and I’d probably end up killing someone – or myself – if I drove every day. But, yeah, I don’t mind walking.”

“Well, if you’re dating me, there will be no walking. I’ll give you a lift home and a ride to school in the morning, if you want one.”

“Are you serious? You don’t need to do that, Race.”

“Nah, I want to. What kind of fake-boyfriend would I be if I didn’t?”

He smiled at you and you realised that Race had been right the day before. You could do worse. As far as fake high school boyfriends went, Race was probably one of the best options you had.

“I’d appreciate that. Thanks, Higgins.”

“No biggie. Now, let’s go. The Bachelorette is on tonight and I need to see who Becca chooses.”

Before long, Race had dropped you off at home, with a cheeky wink and promise to text. As soon as you were inside, your phone lit up with a message from him.

see ya bright and early tomorrow morning, girlfriend ;)

You rolled your eyes and typed a quick reply. Then, you went to contacts and your hand hovered over Katherine’s name. You’d have to tell her what had happened with Jack and explain that you were now (somehow) dating Race Higgins.

The phone rang twice, and you could practically hear the smile in her voice when she greeted you, as bright and cheerful as ever. You talked for a little bit about school and she told you about college and you realised that you probably couldn’t put it off for any longer. As soon as you said that you had something to tell her, she sounded more than a little worried.

“What’s up? Is everything okay?”

“This story is going to sound pretty weird but hear me out. You know when I was little, I used to write those letters to myself?”

“Yeah, you said that your mom told you to do it if you ever needed help figuring out your feelings.”

“Yeah, well, not all of the letters were to myself. I wrote some to guys I had crushes on and I swear that I never sent any of them out, but, um, somehow, some of those guys, got their letters?”

“Oh, shit. That sounds stressful. Who’d you write to?”

“That’s the thing that I need to tell you… When you first got with Jack, I thought that I was into him and I wrote him a letter. I was never going to send and I’m pretty sure I didn’t actually have feelings for him, I was just a little torn up because it felt like I was losing my best friend to my sister. But, uh, he got the letter. And, I figured that I should tell you before you heard it from someone else. And, also, uh, Race Higgins and I are dating.” The last sentence slipped out so quickly that you hoped she had missed it.

She was silent for a long time and you were worried that the phone might have died while you were talking and then, you heard a sigh.

“That is… a lot. I’m not going to lie, I am pretty pissed off right now. I don’t care if you were into Jack or not. You wrote a love letter to my boyfriend, while I was dating him. And Race Higgins? Like Spot’s Race Higgins? What the fuck? Look, I’ve got a report due tomorrow, and I really don’t need to be stressed right now, so we can just talk about this some other time.”

She was definitely mad.

“Kath, I-I’m so sorry, I didn’t want to hurt you, I swear.”

“It’s fine. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

She hung up. It was not fine. You felt like crying and crumpling yourself into a ball, when your phone pinged with a notification from Instagram.

@racehiggins tagged you in a post.

It was some stupid meme, and you knew he’d only tagged you in it because people from school would see it, but it brought a smile to your face, anyway.

Race was getting pretty good at making you smile, and you hadn’t even been fake-dating for a week. Maybe, this would all work out well.

TAGLIST: @hungoverhellhound @seriously-ceci @the-butterfly-anon @ben-cook-can-cook @pinecovewoods @brendonuriehimself

#race higgins x reader #newsies x reader #newsies: the musical #newsies fanfiction #katherine plumber x jack kelly

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not-fuckmegentlywithaslurpee · 6 years ago

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I am playing Jack Kelly (I’m on the right btw) in my schools production of Newsies with two of my best friends playing Davey and Kath and it’s just a grand ol’ time (also stress because ya girl is not a tenor, but she is doing her best!!!)

#singing tenor all the time is killing me though #but im playing jack kelly though so its okay #its what i sacrifice for HAPPINESS #newsies #newsies musical #jack kelly #katherine plumber #davey jacobs #musical theatre #musicals #broadway #broadway newsies #newsies jack

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timetogoslumming · 7 years ago

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okay. we got to talking about headcanons tonight, and i got to rambling. so here are some of my newsies hcs.

spot

okay so spot is a vegetarian. know that. you'll pry veggie spot from my cold, dead hands. gay. just straight up gay. but it took him a long time to recognize that. he was raised by a single dad, and his mom is in prison, and he has a much older sister that he's not close to. (i actually have a really detailed backstory for him that im saving for a rainy day.) speaking of rainy days, he loves them. spot is very into that "treat your body like a temple thing". he does yoga. lifeguard. plays a lot of app games? like angry birds, temple run, etc. loves to read. depending on the au, he's either a law student or works in construction with jack. he's got some ptsd from Some Stuff That Happened Once. drives a big ass jeep with loud music, usually either rock or rap, blaring from the speakers. actually a really good rapper, but pretty much no one sees that. likes to read.

sarah

sarah is like 90% gay. she'll occasionally make out with a guy for fun, like with jack, but let's be real. when she decides to settle down, it's going to be with a lady. she and davey are twins. she's a botanist with a big interest in environmental conservation (science twins.) very sarcastic. she's the less compassionate twin.

specs

specs is nearly legally blind, but not quite there. he's a ridiculously slow driver. dad friend. bi. dancer at nyu. also plays baseball and the cello, and he's very athletic- he runs every day. specs is incredibly detail-oriented and responsible. also, he and jack are the oldest, and he's kind of jack's secret right hand man. a lot of people think it's race or crutchie before davey shows up, but no. it's actually specs, he just works in the wings. loves crime shows. he and romeo are really into the paranormal- like ghosts and stuff.

romeo

in my head, romeo is colombian, so i dont see him as any of the actors that played him. he's gay, but also ace, but flirts a lot just because he thinks it's fun. he and specs have been best friends forever (im not getting too into detail about that but keep reading my christmas au). romeo loves candy, and constantly has like, a bag of twizzlers or pixie sticks in his bag or something. he's really good at crafts, especially making friendship bracelets. like specs, loves the paranormal.

kath

kath has chronic migraines. she ids as queer. she wants to be a reporter, but has a very successful blog, as well. (like a long-form blog, not like tumblr) with a few thousand followers. very politically inclined, and she and elmer talk about politics a lot. she and jack dated for a while, and they had a legitimately good time, but things sometimes just dont work out, and thats what happened with them. kath also really loves youtubers and spends more time than she wants to admit watching makeup tutorials. her dad is pulitzer, but he and her mom never married, so her actual last name is plumber (her mom's maiden name) and she was raised by her and her stepdad, who she adores.

mush

okay so he's diabetic. (btw the mush fc i always have in my head is ephraim.) he's SUPER good with kids. like, they think he's an absolute superhero. he's really, really patient and tells really good stories. he's a big ol stoner. he and blink are best friends (sorry, i dont ship it!!) and he's quite a potty mouth. mush and blink are actually REALLY fratty. also, he plays guitar

albert

albo is colorblind. it gives him a variety of vision problems. albo is obsessed with cryptids: his favorite is bigfoot, and he's also very into aliens. favorite movies: space jam and the fast and the furious. albo is also dyslexic and adhd- he and jack bond over it. as a result, school really isnt his thing, and he just sort of wants to be a mechanic, because cars make sense to him and he loves them. then there's his whole backstory- two older brothers, one of whom is a marine, and then a half sister. his dad cheated on his mom and got the girlfriend pregnant, but he loves his sister a whole lot. albert likes to make a lot of jokes about his colorblindness. he is also pan or queer bc what is projecting, anyway? ummmmm................ he gets really frustrated by how he's treated because of his learning disabilities. he loves dogs and cities and loud noises. also, that boy is a mama’s boy

jack

jack has severe dyslexia, to the point where reading is EXTREMELY difficult and frustrating for him, so he just doesnt do it. he's also got adhd. he's an artist, but for his day job, he's a house painter. or sometimes just generally in construction, idk. i generally make him a painter. he does a lot of odd jobs. jack loves cartoons. his favorite show is bob's burgers. he also loves american ninja warrior. likes to think he's fearless but he's actually pretty scared of thunder. jack unironically loves nickelback

race

race is a future rocket scientist, obviously. his dream is to get people on mars. he's got severe adhd. he's constantly fidgeting, and his favorite fidget toys are tennis balls or rubiks cubes. ps he can solves a rubiks cube in under half a minute. loves the kardashians- especially khloe. used to do a lot of shoplifting, but grew out of it. scared of horses. not a huge fan of animals in general, actually. queer or pan. totally tells everyone that his favorite color is green, but it’s be real. it’s gold glitter. used to smoke like a chimney but quit, although it was a struggle.

davey

gay. hecka gay. he realized that he was gay when he played soccer and realized that he didnt want to be the soccer player, he just WANTED the soccer player. loves animals but snakes especially. also really likes alligators? anxiety, but like, the kind of anxiety where if you try to talk to him, he'll get pissed. let him be alone. started as a business major for practicality but switched to zoology. RIDICULOUSLY sarcastic. very flirty. has had multiple relationships before jack. scared of heights. doesnt love horses, but he'll deal with them. loves lord of the rings more than almost anything. hates getting his hair wet. VERY good at mario kart. he used to speedrun it and at one point, he was 14th in the world.

crutchie

okay so: crutchie's disability can be a few things, depending on the universe im using, but i generally do it as either a degenerative disorder or a major injury that was never treated properly so it never healed. hates mornings. so much. terrible loser. will literally fight you if he loses. sarcastic. can be kind of an asshole. wants to be a runner. : ((( crutchie is THE best wingman. like, you’re trying to impress someone? call up the big leagues aka crutchie

elmer

sarcastic motherfucker. news junkie. super skeptical. questions everything. trouble with his eyesight. he's the kind of guy who replays arguments in his head thinking up comebacks he should have used. he'll text you at 3 am like "AND ANOTHER THING"

#newsies #jack kelly #davey jacobs #racetrack higgins #spot conlon #myheadcanons #long post

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violetwolfraven · 4 years ago

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41 for javid would work so perfectly ahfkfjxhsga and/or 34, whichever one u want 🥺🥺🥺

I was scared to come out and ask you out because I didn’t know our entire friend group was gay but I definitely know now???

and

We broke up but I found the letters you wrote me before that and I still love you so wanna get back together? (did I copy this from one specific fic I read? Possibly.)

Ok! Buckle in your seatbelts, y’all! This is gonna be a MASSIVELY LONG THING! Also @61-flaming-sour-cherry-scones I love your url. Just getting that out there. Modern AU, btw. Also does this end in December, 2019, conveniently avoiding COVID? Possibly! :)

...

Jack didn’t mean to find that box, but in his defense, it was not hidden well. Just in the back of his closet, which he hadn’t cleaned out since... damn. Since the breakup.

And Jack was fine with said breakup, by the way. Him and Davey weren’t right together anymore.

And Jack didn’t smile less, or work himself harder as a distraction, or whatever bullshit his brothers, mom, and all his friends said.

If Davey never texted first anymore, or barely even talked when friends asked him to hang out or whatever, that was none of Jack’s business.

Jack had texted Davey exactly once since the breakup, because Elmer had told him that he had an anxiety attack in a bar, which he was only there in the first place because he was designated driver.

Davey had said he was fine, and that meant he was, right?

Davey had not mentioned anything about leaving a shoebox in Jack’s closet. As a matter of fact, he hadn’t mentioned it, ever.

Did it sting that Jack’s ex had kept a secret box of... something? from him? Maybe. Whatever the case, Jack was curious by nature, and he was definitely opening the box.

It was... letters? Sealed letters in envelopes, the earliest one on the very top, in one corner of the box. The only thing written on it was a date; September 7th, 2011.

That would be... 8th grade? Probably the first day of school? Jack was super confused. Still, he opened the letter.

Dear Jack Kelly,

I know this is terrible and corny and I’m probably going to shred this letter with the pocket knife Sarah got for our last birthday, but I had to write it down somewhere.

I think I’m gay. Specifically, gay for you. And I know that’s weird, I can’t stop thinking about you. You’re like the living personification of the moon. (Not the sun. I’ve never understood why people compare their crush to the sun. Nobody likes looking directly at that.) You saw me sitting alone before school and you took me in. I mean it. You brought me over to your friend group and said I was a new kid who was going to be your friend now, and the whole group just adopted me without questioning it. All of you are so nice. At first I thought it was a trick, but then I saw you comforting Blink when he had a panic attack. (Also, I’m still getting used to the nickname thing. That’s still weird and I’m not sure how I feel about the one you gave me.) You were so gentle with him, Jack. You knew exactly how to calm him down and you were so patient with him while you helped Mush drive the fear away. I didn’t think boys our age knew how to be like that. I do now, because of you. Well, and because of Race being, well, Race. I don’t think anyone could mistake him for a bully. Or Crutchie. Or Romeo. Heck, most of your group is just so nice I can barely believe it. I think I’ll bring Saz to meet you tomorrow. She already made a friend, but she said that this girl, Katherine, said she already knows you. Maybe we can all be friends.

I really wish we could be more, but I know that would never work. I can’t tell anyone I’m gay. You’d think I’m a freak. But since you’ll never read this, I can admit it here: I have a massive crush on you, Jack Kelly.

Sincerely, David Davey

Jack was not going to let himself cry about a letter written in 8th fucking grade. He was, however, very confused about why it was in his closet.

A letter from before Davey was out of the closet found in the closet. If Jack wasn’t so goddamn depressed, he would appreciate the irony.

The next letter was dated: September 24th, 2011.

Dear Jack,

We’re all friends now. Gotta say, I already can’t imagine my life without you and the other guys. And maybe I didn’t meet Kath that first day, but she’s probably my best friend, besides you, of course. She’s the only other one with brain cells, besides maybe Specs. Us three had to talk you and the others out of riding a shopping cart Albert stole from Walmart down a hill yesterday. Honestly, would it kill you to be a little smarter? I know for a fact you can be, Jack Kelly. You and the others actually have a fair amount of brain cells each when apart. It’s only when the only group gets together that you all do stupid stuff.

I didn’t shred the first letter. I think maybe I’ll keep these and we can look back someday and laugh about me having a crush on you in middle school. Don’t worry. I’ll find a way to get over it before it ruins our friendship.

I honestly don’t see how I’d survive losing you, Jack. So, please, do me a favor and keep being oblivious to how I really feel about you until I digest those butterflies you give me.

Sincerely, Davey

Damn. Reading that was like a punch to the chest and Jack had to take a deep breath before moving on to the next letter.

The next few were just mundane stuff. Little notes on how Jack laughed or interacted with certain friends or whatever. The way he painted each friend something little for the holidays and how they all had a picnic potluck for Thanksgiving.

Then he got to one that was different: January 22nd, 2012. It was written in a panicked, hurried script.

Oh, damn. Jack remembered what this was about. What happened January of 8th grade.

Dear Jack,

Something’s wrong. You’re on my couch right now, crying. I don’t know what’s going on, but you’re trying to put on a brave face for Les and failing miserably. Medda didn’t have time to say much when she dropped you, Crutchie, Race, and Romeo off, so all I really know is that Blink is in the hospital and she’s gonna pick up Mush before going to see him. Crutchie is trying to comfort you, by the way, but he’s crying nearly as much as you are. Race and Ro are in shock, I think. They haven’t said much. Sarah’s making them hot cocoa. I’m in my room, writing this really quick because I don’t know what I can do. You’re so good at comforting people, but I don’t know how. I wish I knew how you did it. I think I’ll go try one of the things I’ve seen you do with panic attacks. It’s got to be better than nothing.

The rest was calmer, clearly written later.

It turns out Blink is in the hospital because his dad put him there. And he wouldn’t be alive at all if he didn’t call Mush in a panic right when he heard him get home. Mush called the cops and they barely got there in time. Blink was already half-dead when they did, but they managed to keep him alive long enough to get an ambulance. God, I don’t want to think about what would’ve happened if they’d been just a little bit slower.

Medda called you a couple hours ago to let us all know that Blink is in bad shape, but he’s gonna be okay. She’s gonna try to file for custody of him, but Mush’s mom is gonna try, too, just to give him twice as much chance of staying with us. His dad is in jail, but you and me agree that he deserves to die for what he did. In the selfie Blink made Mush send the group chat, there was more bandage visible on his face than skin. It made me so damn angry, but I didn’t show it because you were so angry you almost punched a hole in my wall.

I’ve made a decision, Jack. I can’t be separate from the group anymore. I always hang with Kath off to the side where we can intervene as the voices of reason if needed, but I’m not going to do that anymore, because I. can. not. do this again. I want our friends to trust me like they trust you so maybe if one of them is in a house with a dad that would beat them within an inch of their life, they’ll tell me and I can get them out.

I guess that means I’ll have to get better at lying. I’ve been staying separate mostly to hide my crush. And I think I’m pretty good at that, but being right at the center of things, with you? I’ll have to be careful to make sure no one notices. Especially not you. I hope I can pull it off.

You definitely aren’t making it easy on me, are you? You’re passed out in my bed, for heaven’s sake. But it’s fine. This is fine. I’m fine.

Sincerely, Davey

Jack remembered that night as one of the worst of his life. He’d thought Blink was dead by how Mush sounded when he called. And even though it turned out he wasn’t, he was going to be okay even if he lost an eye, after Jack’s childhood, he’d always hated when he couldn’t protect the people he loved.

Davey had been the one to reach him in that bad place he fell back to, the one where people he loved, kids he considered his little brothers, were getting hurt. Davey had pulled him out of there, and though it would take Jack months to realize it, that was the day he started to fall in love with him.

The next Monday, though, Jack had tried to give him space. Knowing how intimidating it all had to seem, he wasn’t sure if Davey would bail on them.

But he didn’t. Jack had never stopped appreciating how Davey had seen the darkness under the innocent, normal friendship and stayed anyway.

The next few letters were mostly a lot of pining on Davey’s side as he struggled to integrate himself more deeply into the group.

Jack still remembered that shift, how once Davey earned the others’ trust, Jack had gone from being the only one everyone was relying on to half of a pair that a lot of their friends had jokingly called ‘mom and dad.’

It was kind of sad, knowing that for most of them, Jack and Davey gave them more love and attention than their actual parents did, but the two of them would have to do—and they had. For a long time, the two of them were an unstoppable duo of hugs and snacks and homework help.

The letter from June 15th, 2012, had weird spots on it, almost like... almost like tear-marks. It was shorter than the previous ones.

Dear Jack,

Saz just came bouncing into my room to announce that she’s going with you to the Eighth Grade Dance.

I don’t know why I’m sad about it. I knew you and me would never be a thing.

But it still hurts, Jackie. It hurts so much.

I’m going with the rest of the group, just as friends. No one has dates except you, and I think maybe Romeo.

Jack knew for a fact that Blink and Mush had gone together because he remembered accidentally walking in on their first kiss, but apparently, Davey hadn’t known that.

Les is knocking on my door, so I’m gonna have to drop my math textbook on the floor really loudly so I can tell him I’m crying because I fell.

Sincerely, Davey

There wasn’t another letter until 4 months later, Octobe 16th, 2012.

Dear Jack,

So. Something weird just happened. Saz just came into my room and said she’s not going with you to Homecoming because you’re going with Kath. I tried to comfort her, but she didn’t seem sad about it?

She asked me if I wanted to go with anyone and seemed surprised I said I didn’t. (Not like I’m telling her a part of me wishes I could go with you.) Then she mentioned that Blink and Mush are going together, and I don’t see why she cares because if you don’t have a date why not go with a friend, right? Why do girls have to be so confusing?

Sincerely, Davey

Oh. Oh, God.

By the beginning of freshman year, Blink and Mush hadn’t been the only gay couple in their friend group.

Albert and Finch had gotten together over the summer, and so had Smalls and Sniper.

Romeo and Specs were in the ‘flirting terribly’ phase, and though Jack didn’t know it at the time, Race was already sneaking around with Spot by that point.

Ike had asked Hotshot to that Homecoming, though they wouldn’t officially become boyfriends until almost a year later, Buttons and Elmer became official at that dance, and Jojo and Mike had that falling out because of misread signals towards the end of it.

Hell, Jack only went to that dance with Kath because she couldn��t let her parents know she was actually going with Saz.

Homecoming freshman year was... eventful, to say the least.

And Davey had known exactly none of this. That... explained a lot.

Being only freshmen, none of the couples were exactly casual in their relationships. They didn’t kiss in front of people, and a few were too embarrassed to so much as sit next to each other at lunch. With the ones who weren’t embarrassed, it still honestly wasn’t much more than the affection they all already showed among friends.

God, if Jack had known how scared Davey was to come out, as he said in the next few letters, he would have... what? Told him he loved him right then and there? Probably not, but he would have done something differently.

The next really significant letter was dated December 11th 12th, 2012.

Dear Jack,

I have no idea what to think.

I’m in the bathroom right now, and it’s just after midnight on 12/12/12. You and your brothers threw a party in case the world ended with the whole friend group. It was kind of like a New Year’s party, but with a lot more cynical talk about the coming apocalypse and bet placing on what said apocalypse would be. Towards the end, we all got caught up in the drama and sleep-deprivation and started giving speeches about how much we loved each other. It was cringy, but in a good way? I’m sure we’ll laugh about it someday.

Or maybe we won’t. Because I have no idea what to think anymore.

Oh, shit. This was the part Jack was kind of dreading reading.

I’ve been terrified to come out because I thought I’d get kicked out of the group if you guys knew I was gay.

Which was why it was such a shock when the countdown to midnight ended and half my friends kissed friends of the same gender.

Jack remembered yelling at them to break it up. He’d been so busy being exasperated with his kids that he hadn’t even noticed Davey had slipped away until Crutchie pointed it out.

It was quick, so I don’t think I could name all the pairs if I tried, but I definitely saw Sarah kiss Kath, which, honestly, explains a lot.

I can’t help but wonder... Why didn’t anyone tell me? How long has this been going on? Has it been since the beginning and I was just too oblivious to see it?

Oh my God. Now that I’m looking for it, I can’t stop seeing it. The way Blink is defensive and angry all the time and he’s soft for Mush. The way Sarah hates spending time on her hair and she’ll sit for hours letting Kath try out styles on her. The way Buttons and Elmer just do little things for each other every day. None of them are subtle and I am an idiot.

Jack had to laugh at that.

Does this mean I should come out, too? I know now no one would judge me for it, but... I don’t want to mess things up. I love our friends, and I don’t want to lose them. If I lost them, now, it would be because I like you, specifically. Would you be disgusted with me if I told you?

“No,” Jack whispered, before remembering that this was 14-year-old Davey, and he wasn’t here.

I like to think you wouldn’t be, but I can’t risk it. If I lose you, I lose all of them. And if I have doubts about if I could live through losing you, I definitely can’t survive losing everyone. I love them all so much. I love you.

Jack sucked in a breath. As far as he knew, this was the first time Davey had ever said anywhere that he loved Jack.

But I can’t tell you that. So if I come out, it definitely won’t be by saying who I like.

Love, Davey

Jack totally wasn’t crying as he reached for the next letter. It was just current events, random stuff. There were certainly a lot of letters, weren’t there? Davey had documented everything, from Jack attempting to teach him to draw, to the time they both auditioned for the school play, to that time they had to talk Jojo off a ledge when he realized he loved Mike. That one was short but bad. (Honestly, Jack still hated Jojo’s super religious parents for that. Fuck Jojo’s parents.)

Davey did come out in a letter from almost six months later, but it wasn’t until Homecoming sophomore year that things started getting really interesting.

Dear Jack,

I honestly might never talk to you again outside these letters. Sarah’s banging on my door telling me to, and I’m quoting her here, “open the fuck up, David Jacobs.” Mom’s yelling back at her to watch her language. They’re now having a screamed bitching match in the hallway.

Long story short, we were at Homecoming and you asked me to dance. My brain kind of short-circuited, but I said yes right as a slow song came on. Shockingly, you didn’t seem to mind, and you danced with me to Photograph by Ed Sheeran.

Oh, God, Jack remembered that song. It had been their song. He still couldn’t listen to it anymore.

You were singing along to it and smiling at me. It was really sweet, and it was kind of my dream, to be honest, and I guess I lost all control of my body for a second because I kissed you during the last chorus and I didn’t stop kissing you until the end of the song.

Jack remembered that like it was yesterday, because it was their first kiss. It was a million perfect colors exploding across Jack’s brain and feelings he could barely identify swirling into a moment more beautiful than any painting he could ever create.

Then a faster song came on and I don’t know if anyone saw, but I really hope they didn’t because if they did that means they saw what happened next. Which is: I ran away. I ran all the way to my car and drove home and locked myself in my room. Sarah came home not 5 minutes later, so I think she knows, but it doesn’t matter. I don’t know how I can face you after this. In hindsight I think you were kissing me back, and if you were that means I just ran out on you and it probably hurt when I did. If not, that’s even worse because I kissed you and you probably just didn’t pull away out of pity.

Holy shit, I think you’re here, now. I can hear you outside my door with Saz, and maybe Kath, too. She’s trying to calm her down, which, honestly, good luck, Kath. Wait. No. Shit. I guess being her girlfriend has its benefits. It’s just you, now. You’re talking really softly, but I can’t understand you through the door. This is why we enunciate, Jackie.

Jack rolled his eyes on reflex.

I’m still pretty scared, but I think I’m gonna open the door. Scratch that, I’m definitely gonna open it. If you yell at me, I’ll probably yell right back. Funny, isn’t it? How I never would have done that before meeting you? If we have a huge fight, remember that you’re the one who taught me not to censor myself. David never would have even opened that door, but Davey is your monster. Good luck. I’ve out-argued you before, Jackie, so you’ll need it.

I should stop stalling and open the damn door.

If you break my heart, Jack Kelly, I’m going to kill you.

Love, Davey

Reading that last sentance, Jack froze.

If you break my heart, Jack Kelly, I’m going to kill you.

Time was a bitch, because by all accounts, they were both broken-hearted, now.

Jack wiped away his tears and realized there was a little bit more writing.

P.S. I guess you get to live, Jackie, because we had a talk and you kissed me again and now we’re together. Like, boyfriends. I can’t stop smiling. It’s stupid. I’m probably not going to sleep tonight and it’s all your fault because my stomach is full of butterflies and I can’t stop thinking about how much I love you.

Jack didn’t let himself process that, going for the next letter instead.

Oh, shit. November 1st, 2013. This was going to be a bad one. Still, Jack took a deep breath and started reading.

Dear Jack,

Well, today was emotionally draining. (Halloween was fun, but what came after definitely is not.) It’s already past midnight, but it’s okay because I’m sleeping over at your house tonight. After Saz and I explained the situation, Mom and Dad agreed we should. God, said situation it makes me so angry.

Katherine’s parents kicked her out. They found out about her and Sarah, made her pack a bag, and tossed her away like she was nothing.

She’s 16. She’s a goddamn child like the rest of us. How could they do that to her? I guess it’s good she’s out of that environment, where she has to hide who she is and walk on eggshells with every conversation, but she’s on your couch right now, crying so hard she can’t even drink the tea Medda made her. Sarah and you are trying to calm her down, but I hate seeing her like this. Kath always seems kind of unshakable, like nothing anyone says will get to her. I’ve never seen her this broken. Judging by the look you’re giving me from across the room, you haven’t, either.

You think I’m making a grocery list. Medda told me to, seeing as how she’s busy helping clean out your guest room, Saz is on ‘shoulder to cry on’ duty, and I’m the only boy who lives with a girl. Kath didn’t get to pack much more than a couple of outfits and her toothbrush.

You know what? Fuck it. You and me are her parents, now. You’re good with that, right? We’re already stand-in Mom and Dad for several of our friends—what’s one more? Ha ha, you and me have so much practice already that we are going to be great parents for real one day.

Jack sucked in a breath. Real parents? As in, the two of them staying together long enough to have kids?

Wow. That is wildly inappropriate to think about when we’re literally a couple of 15-year-olds. Also, it makes me think about how Kath is technically a few months older, but whatever. I guess I should actually make that grocery list, now, and stop daydreaming about a hypothetical future while one of our kids now is sobbing across the room from me.

Love, Davey

Davey had never even told Jack he wanted kids.

Sure, they were both a little young for that, but in the future..? Jack had always been scared that he wouldn’t be a good dad, after never having a good dad, himself, but sophomore year Davey was right. He had gotten a fair amount of practice with his friends.

That night, when Kath showed up at the Larkin house, crying so hysterically the makeup from her Halloween costume was running and saying she didn’t know where else to go, Davey was the first person Jack called. Him and Sarah had shown up not fifteen minutes later, probably having been lucky not to pick up a speeding ticket (or you know, gotten arrested for underage driving without an adult) on the way.

15-year-old Davey was right. That night was the most broken Jack had ever seen Katherine. Even if it had worked out okay in the end, with Kath staying with them and being their new sister in every way but on paper, Jack still kind of wanted to throat-punch her parents.

It was... oddly comforting, to know that Davey felt the same. He hadn’t shown it back then, knowing Kath needed him calm, but... to be honest, Jack would have feared an angry Davey Jacobs more than an angry Jack Kelly. You’d get punched by an angry Jack, but an angry Davey? He was smart enough to burn down your world. Jack smirked, thinking about how lucky the Pulitzers were that Davey possessed impulse control.

Most of the rest of the letters were just Davey talking about their relationship as it evolved or recounting whatever drama happened to be going on, (with one in the middle of junior year that was basically just ‘wtf Race is secretly dating Spot Conlon???’) because as the only group of out gays in the school, a few of whom happened to be in not-so-good homes, there was always drama.

Then came the stress of senior year, SATs, and college applications. Davey and Jack had a few fights, which were all well documented here. 17-year-old Jack and Davey hadn’t known that those fights were the beginning of the end.

The letter dated June 5th, 2016 was the one that finally made Jack cry for real .

Dear Jack,

We’re fighting again. We have before, but this time, it’s actually serious.

I get that you’re going to school in Santa Fe and I’m staying in New York. What—did you expect me to follow you all the way across the country? I’m not asking you to stay, because that wouldn’t be fair of me. You’ve got dreams and a scholarship to an art school and that is great. I’m happy for you. But I’m not going with you, because why would I? I’ve got dreams, too. Did you think I would put my life on hold for you?

We can’t stay kids forever, Jackie. Growing up means things change. I thought you knew that. Our friends are spreading out across the country and most of the couples aren’t going to be in the same state. Hell, Specs is going to Harvard in Massachusetts and Romeo is moving to Hollywood to go try his luck and they’re not having problems. If your own brother can do the long-distance thing, why can’t you?

I’m scared, too. I don’t want to lose you, either. I know doing a long-distance thing won’t be easy, but when was the last time either of us gave up just because it was hard? Jackie, if I wanted something easy, I would have bailed after we almost lost Blink. My love for you aside, I didn’t because that’s. not. me. I fight for what I love. And I know you do, too, so... so fight for me. I need to know you love me enough to fight for me, Jackie.

I know you. When you want something—really want it, there is not a force in this world that can stop you from fighting for it. I love you, Jack Kelly. I’m not going to stop fighting for you, so please don’t stop fighting for me.

Love, Davey

Jack choked on a sob. He’d failed. Davey had asked him to fight for him and he failed.

Sure, he hadn’t known that Davey wanted him to fight for him, but... God, if he had...

Jack would have fought, would have walked through hell, would have done anything to keep Davey by his side.

He still loved Davey, no matter what he’d been telling himself since the breakup, and... And he needed to read the rest of these letters. Even if Davey started hating him when the fighting got really bad or wrote about what he was feeling during it.

Shit. There weren’t that many more. The remaining letters were spread out somewhere between high school graduation and when Jack and Davey broke up; a year and a half ago, and... and those would probably be the hardest ones to read

Jack waited a bit until the tears had stopped before opening the one from November 20th, 2016.

Dear Jack,

I haven’t wrote one of these in a while. College has been a bitch, but also...

You and me barely talk anymore. We text each other memes about once a week, (don’t worry. you still know exactly how to make me laugh with those dumb little shitposts.) but we don’t really talk. I can’t remember the last time we FaceTimed. I miss you, but I don’t know how to say it anymore.

I’m thinking about this because it’s Thanksgiving break. Of course, it’s good to see everyone. Kath got home this morning. I didn’t realize how much I’d missed her. Elmer texted me a couple minutes ago that he’s an hour away. Of course that dumbass is driving all the way from Michigan. I’m sure we’ll both have more than enough words for him when you get back because you’re flying in tonight.

I don’t know how I feel about that. I should be excited, but... I don’t think I’ve been this nervous about anything involving you since I ran away after our first kiss. I think I preferred it last year, when we were fighting, because even when we were pissed at each other, at least we were communicating.

You remember when we were kids and you always knew exactly what to say exactly when someone needed to hear it? How you helped calm down Kath when she got kicked out, talked Jojo off a roof, and convinced Spot to tell Race he loved him? It was amazing. I never quite mastered that. I usually know what to do, just never how to voice it. But this time, I don’t even know what to do. We’re not on the same page anymore. I don’t think we’re even in the same book.

Jack took a shaky breath. He and Davey hadn’t been on the same page. And Jack definitely hadn’t known what to say to him, either. They weren’t the unstoppable duo they’d been in high school.

But... damn. Those things Davey had mentioned him doing? He couldn’t have done those alone. For all of those, he had needed Davey there, helping him. Maybe that was why it was so hard, being there for anyone since the breakup.

I hate how five years of being an unstoppable duo can be undone in only four months, and it wasn’t even by fighting. If it was a fight, we could solve it, you and me vs. the problem. But there’s no fight, no problem. It’s just you and me and the growing chasm between us.

You know what? It’s probably just the distance messing with us. We’ll be fine. We just need some time together. Thanksgiving will be good for us. And I’m flying out to Santa Fe for the winter holidays to spend it with you, so that’ll be good, too.

I’m gonna text you right now. Your flight probably won’t be leaving for another hour or so, so we can talk. Get back in rhythm.

I still don’t know what to say. I guess I’ll just ask about how hot Santa Fe is in winter and we can go from there. Here’s hoping this makes things get less awkward.

Love, Davey

Jack remembered that text conversation with Davey in the airport. He remembered how much hope it had given him, and how after Jack went back to Santa Fe when the holiday was over, how much better Davey and him had been. That Christmas/Hanukkah had been great, especially considering most of Jack’s classmates were at home and they’d had the dorm to themselves.

Of course their friends and families had known that was why Jack didn’t come home that year, and he distinctly remembered getting texts from all three of his brothers on Christmas morning asking if Davey was good in bed, but that was besides the point.

The next several letters were from their second wind, the rest of the school year. And yeah, they were hard to read, but they brought back happy memories. Even only seeing each other over breaks and computer screens, it seemed that Davey was happy, too. For a while, it had seemed that Jack could have his dreams of art school in Santa Fe and the love of his life.

Then, of course, during that summer of staying together at whichever house more often than not, they started fighting again. Over nothing. Over stupid things. Over who loaded the dishwasher wrong and who said he was going to pick Les up from his friend’s house.

Then they started fighting over big things. Over harsh words Jack never meant and judging by these letters, Davey didn’t meant, either.

August 2nd, 2017:

Dear Jack,

I fucked up. We just had a big fight, I said a bunch of things I didn’t mean, and like an idiot, I let you leave for the airport without apologizing. Now, you’re acting like your phone is already on airplane mode even though I know for a fact your flight doesn’t leave for another hour. Also, I can see that you’ve read all of my texts, you moron, so I know you’re just ignoring me.

Aw, hell, I don’t even blame you. I said some really bad things. I said you love your art more than me, and I know that’s not true. I know you’d never prioritize material things over the people you love, because Jackie, you prioritize those people who have earned your loyalty over everything, including your own mental and physical health. I know because it annoys the hell out of me, how you never give yourself a break. They’re all adults now, Jackie. They don’t need us as much anymore and you never stop acting like they do.

I shouldn’t be angry with you for that. I know with your childhood, trying to protect Crutchie, Race, and Romeo and sometimes failing, you still feel like you have to save everyone. It’s how you’re wired and I love that about you. I wouldn’t change it if I could. I just wish you’d stop running yourself into the ground to do it.

Is this it? I already feel like we’re on borrowed time, here. Sarah says she thought we were going to break up last year. Kath says she’s sure it’s not that bad. (they’re talking about it very loudly in the hallway. or maybe they’re arguing. who knows?) Les just said that my mom said nobody marries their high school sweetheart. (thanks, Mom.)

I think even if we never said it, that’s what we were both hoping for. I know you, Jackie. I’ve watched your favorite romcoms and Disney movies. I know you want the perfect fairytale relationship with the whole package of ‘and they get married and have kids and live happily ever after.’ And I want that, too. I really wanted it with you. Ugh! I still want it with you! I can’t imagine any alternate universe where I don’t want that with you!

It’s probably inappropriate to think about all that. We’re nineteen. We’re not even old enough to drink yet and we’re definitely too young for me to be thinking about marrying you.

Jack inhaled sharply. Oh, God. He was going to cry again.

But for the record... I do want to. I want everything with you and I cannot imagine any circumstance, any extreme, any bad breakup where I stop wanting that.

Just to be safe, though, in case something I can’t foresee happens and I never say it again...

I love you, Jack Kelly. I have loved you from the first day I met you and I can’t see anything happening in any version of reality that makes me stop loving you. You’re still like the living personification of the moon to me and no matter how much you piss me off, Jackie, your glow doesn’t fade. You shined a light on the parts of me afraid of judgement and taught me to shine, too, despite them.

I’ve never loved anyone the way I love you and I probably never will. I just need you to know that.

Love, Davey

Jack was already crying, but he panicked as he realized there was only two more letters.

A part of him wanted to wait. These were words Davey hadn’t spoken to him. These were the last pieces of Davey that were still Jack’s.

But he needed to know. Were these letters from before they actually broke up? After? Had Davey been wrong in the previous letter and he’d stoped loving Jack?

There were no dates on the envelopes. Still, Jack had to know. He took a deep breath and opened the second-to-last one, the paper covered in old, dried tear marks.

Dear Jack,

We had another stupid fight and we tried to fix it but that just ended in more yelling. That’s happened a few times before, now, but this time, it was different.

Oh, no. This must be from the big one Spring Break of their sophomore year of college.

Jack had come home for the break, it had been great to see his friends, but then he and Davey had started fighting. Like, really fighting. Worse than they ever had before.

And then there was the big one. It was two days before Jack flew back to Santa Fe. It was the one where they actually broke up.

This time, you told me to leave. And I kind of yelled at you to just go back to Santa Fe as you shoved me out the door. Then you yelled that if I wanted you to fly away so badly, I shouldn’t bother visiting again and you slammed the door in my face.

I think we just broke up. I’d be angry about it if I wasn’t so damn sad.

God, this is messed up. I know you’re alone on your bed with those stupid Star Wars sheets you’ve had since you were twelve and you locked the door because you don’t want anyone to see you cry. Thinking about that makes me want to run right back there and say I’m sorry.

I wanted to do that the second I got back to my parents’ house, but they convinced me not to. Sarah yelled at them for it. She said I had to make my own decision. They said I’m too emotional to think clearly. They’re right, of course, which is why I’m here writing this and not on my way back to your mom’s house already.

Now, Les is the only one outside my door. Are Crutchie, Race, Romeo, or Kath outside yours? Les is trying to guilt me into opening the door by telling me he cancelled a date for me. I’m not weirded out at all by the fact that my baby brother has way more game than I did when I was fourteen.

Are we really done, Jackie? For good? I keep waiting to hear you out in the hallway. And probably Kath, because she’s a better driver than you. I can’t keep thinking about this. I’m just gonna to go to sleep.

Davey

Jack wiped his eyes furiously. There was one more letter and he needed to read it, consequences be damned.

This last letter was probably from when Davey cooled down. Maybe the next morning or something. If he didn’t hate Jack while he was emotional and raw from the initial breakup, he might in this letter. But Jack opened it, anyway.

My Dearest Jack,

We really are broken up. You haven’t called me, but I got a very angry text-rant from Crutchie (for which he apologized 10 minutes later) which basically boiled down to him saying I broke your heart. Romeo called me, said ‘dude, not cool,’ then hung up. Race and Medda seem to be trying to see both sides, and though Kath did tell me that the last few months have been like ‘listening to mom and dad fight downstairs,’ she’s not offering any advice. I think she and Sarah are waiting for me to come to them.

I’m so sorry, Jackie. I know this is mostly my fault. Still, I can’t make the first move. Don’t forget: I know you. You’re more concerned with other people’s feelings than yours, so if I ask you to take me back and you do it, I can’t be sure you didn’t just do it for me. If we ever get back together, it has to be because you want it, too. However, I know you won’t even consider we could get back together unless I give you a sign, which is why I’m leaving you my letters.

You went back to Santa Fe two weeks ago and I’m finally stable enough to come get my stuff from your house and drop off what little you left in my room. While I’m there, I’m gonna hide this somewhere. I guess we’ll both have to pray no one else in your family finds it. That would be awkward.

When you find this, I want you to think long and hard about what you want, Jackie. I want you to make a decision for you. Goddammit, think about yourself first for once.

If you fight for me, I want you to do it because it’s what you really want. That fairytale romcom ending with me is still yours if you play your cards right. (Don’t think I forgot all the hurtful things you said to me, even if I’m 70% sure you didn’t mean them.) It might take... I dunno, therapy or something, but I still think we can fix this. It won’t be easy, but neither is love. Neither is our entire messed-up, broken group of friends.

I used to think I’d lose all of them if I lost you. Maybe I would have, if I’d messed up like this in 8th grade. But now, I know I won’t, because they’re all blowing up my phone as much as I’m sure they’re blowing up yours, asking if I’m okay. I see now that they need me as much as I need them. And they still need you, too, even if you do need to accept a little more that we’re all grown-ups now.

Where was I going with this? I had a point.

I guess all there’s left to say is that if you still want that perfect ending with me—getting married and having kids and having them call all our friends ‘auntie’ and ‘uncle’—fight for it. Loving someone the way I’m in love with you doesn’t happen twice, so I’m not going anywhere. You know where to find me.

You probably won’t find this for a while. Hell, you’re not even coming home again until summer break. But that’s probably a good thing. It gives us both some time to cool off and think.

So think, Jackie. Think long and hard and make a choice. Fight for me or don’t. In case I never get a chance to say it in person again...

I love you, Jack Kelly.

Love, Davey

Oh shit.

Davey left this in Jack’s closet a year and a half ago. He’d probably expected Jack to find it that summer. In fact, he probably thought Jack had found it and just decided not to fight for him.

Jack still wanted to fight for him. He had no doubts about that.

But did his have to discover this box now? When he was leaving for Santa Fe to finish his senior year tomorrow?

Fuck it. Even if it had been almost two years, even if there was a high chance Davey wasn’t waiting for him anymore, he still had to do this

Driving to the Jacobs house right then and there was probably the stupidest thing Jack had ever done, and that was including riding that Walmart shopping cart Albert stole down a hill in 8th grade with Race, Romeo, and Albert when Davey, Kath, and Specs weren’t there to stop them.

Sarah was the one who opened the door, and she... Jack hadn’t talked to Saz since the breakup, since she’d been staying mad at him out of solidarity. Honestly, he was now realizing that he’d missed her nearly as much as he’d missed Davey. They’d been good friends, once upon a time.

Now, she glared at him, “The fuck are you doing here, Kelly?”

“I...” Jack honestly couldn’t think of a good way to explain this, “Is he home?”

Sarah snorted, “What? After a year and a half, you’ve finally come to your senses and realized you’ll never find another one like my brother?”

“I never planned on anyone like him in the first place,” Jack snapped, “Davey was always... even back in middle school... You think I’d ever believe I could find someone else like that? I’m dumb, Saz, but I ain’t stupid. I always knew I was givin’ up on forever when I didn’t try to get him back, but... but I thought he didn’t want me anymore.”

Sarah froze, then leaned against the doorframe, laughing kind of hopelessly, “You are stupid, Jack Kelly, if you think my brother wasn’t totally gone for you and totally broken-hearted when you didn’t try to fight for him.”

Jack definitely had an oh shit moment, “Wait, do you know? About the..?”

“The box of letters he left you? Yeah. He told me last year, after you left for junior year without coming for him.”

Jack took the last letter out of his pocket, “I just found it.”

Saz took a second to process that before motioning for Jack to come in, shouting up the stairs, “Davey! Get your butt down here!”

Les, sitting at the kitchen table, looked up from his sandwich, “Holy shit. Jack?”

“Hi, kid,” Jack said, trying not to be weirded out by how the now-16-year-old was taller than him.

“Davey?” Sarah yelled again, clearly impatient.

“Alright, alright! God, Saz, what couldn’t wait 10 se—“ That was when Davey looked up, seeing Jack in his kitchen.

“That couldn’t wait,” Sarah said pointedly, “Les, let’s go... not be here.”

“If I eat in my room, Mom’ll kill me,” Les said, picking up his sandwich, anyway.

“Eat in my room, then.”

Jack and Davey were silent until the other two Jacobs siblings were upstairs.

“Why are you here, Jack?”

Jack had to take a deep breath before he responded, “When was the last time you went somewhere besides school if somebody didn’t drag you out of the house?”

“What?”

“Do the people who love you say you’ve changed? Do they keep saying they need a designated driver only to try to get you drinking and dancing like it’ll make you smile?”

“What are you—“

“Are there songs you can’t listen to? Movies you can’t watch? Have you so much as called someone back when they gave you their number?”

“Jack,” Davey looked at the ceiling, “What’s this about?”

“You once said you wouldn’t put your life on hold for me,” Jack said, “And you were right not to. I can be overprotective, sometimes. No one should put their dreams on hold because of a lover, but... my dreams are the only thing I haven’t put on hold, Dave. I ain’t been living since I lost you. Not really. And when our friends all said I was smilin’ less, I never let myself think about it, because if I did, I’d have to think about how much I was still hurtin’ over you.”

Davey laughed sady, “Jack, if you really wanted me, you would have fought for me a long time ago, so—“

“You’re talkin’ about the letters?” Jack asked, holding up the one he had on him, “Davey... I just found them. Today.”

Davey was silent, his face completely unreadable. Jack was holding his breath.

“Jack Kelly,” he finally smiled, “I should have known you would take this long to clean out your damn closet.”

“I think you spent enough time in the closet for the both of us.” Jack joked.

Davey rolled his eyes, “Very funny, Jackie. Anyway... I don’t think it’s any secret that we can’t just pick up where we left off.”

“Of course not.”

“So... coffee? If we’re trying again, I’d prefer to take things slow.”

Jack nodded, “Probably a good thing I’m going back to Santa Fe after tomorrow. That ain’t enough time for us to do something we’ll regret.”

“Yeah, I guess mostly just texting is one way to take it slow... speaking of which, one of us should probably text the group chat.”

“Oh yeah,” Jack grinned, “They’re gonna freak.”

#newsies #javid #javey #jack kelly #davey jacobs #jack and davey are the mom and dad friends #sarah jacobs #katherine plumber #background newsbians #background blush #background spromeo #background belmerttons #slight angst #violet’s writing

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