#kaneki: everyone dies and leaves and everything is so bad- | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

bingeeaterblog · 5 months ago

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RE TOUKEN REWRITE

Starting this by saying, this is gonna be messy and not super in depth. Just a timeline of things I think should've or could've been done differently. You're still allowed to enjoy original re touken this is just how I would've liked to see it.

Dragon kaneki also doesn't happen because I think that was a stupid arc didn't make sense

So I'm just gonna be vague about that kaneki will be injured and missing that whole shabang

And all those people died because of war the ccg vs ghouls lead by aoigiri(all started by kaneki so he gets that good sexy guilt for the death of thousands of people without the butchering of ghoul biology) this is actually an idea I've had for awhile but that's for another time

I will make a post on what I think would've worked better

Touka thinks kanekis dead, that during the owl extermination he was put down. she creates re in hopes of helping ghouls just like yoshimura did.

We start off with Haise and Toukas first meeting, him and quinx are coming in to re. Touka sees them, Haise sees touka. The whole crying thing happens but not how it actually happened. Toukas too overwhelmed... he's not dead? Yomos the one who has to serve them. Haise can tell he's tense, curious but he doesn't ask. Why was that girl so .. familiar?

Haise begins frequenting re, out of pure curiosity and well the coffees great. Toukas collected enough to actually see him this time, she smiles and puts up that sweet catering waitress front. She's.. confused.. it's obvious he doesn't remember her but .. why? What happened during the time he completely disappeared? Why is he a dove? Her anger is overtaken by this wonder. For the time being.

Haises sweet and is very subtly flirting. He is DISGUSTINGLY bad at it and all touka can think is "yeah .. that's kaneki alright."

She speaks to nishio about this and he tells her his encounter with him. Talks about the freak out he had, the moment of clarity. Touka hopes there's still a way to bring him back ..

Touka doesn't actively seek out haise, him coming to re is enough. It's like seeing the corpse of a man you once loved being dragged along by a parasite. While she does enjoy his visits it leaves her tense, aching for the kaneki she once knew. The green haired boy with the eypatch reminds her of him... The soft nervous smile just his behavior felt like kaneki just... Different... Tooru was his name? She can't recall

Something in haise makes him /ache/ for touka, that familiar pouty face just makes something inside him stir. They yearn for each other

"Meeting" haise has given her a new insight on the doves, she doesn't know how to feel about this.

Part of her wants to hate him, he's the sole reason he's like this now because he wanted to be a "hero" wanted to save everyone. But she also knows haise isn't to blame for that, she also knows haise isn't supposed to even exist. It's conflicting, so many emotions with no way to express them.

She thinks of Ayato, someone who also left her alone... Was he also trying to protect her? What about hinami? Why can't anyone just stay with her?

Eventually... Haise stops showing up at re. It brings touka to a state of deep sorrow, anger, and calm. Shes worried for him, but not having him around anymore is sort of peaceful... She doesn't need to think about him, but she does anyways, that's all Touka does . Think and long for a past where anteiku stood, where yoshimura was in the backroom, where kaneki was still kaneki and hinami was still small. Where she wasn't so alone

She doesn't want him to come back, it'll only make things harder.(She definitely does want him)

Touka... Begins to move on? Sure she's always thinking of him and tsukiyamas intrusion didn't help but... She's learning to live again. She's sad but.. content she helps the ghouls that come in with their wounds or their hunger. She's even looking into going to college, something she always wanted to do and almost actually got to do before.. everything. Her love for biology never faded just got put on pause. Maybe she could look back into it! Or.. wait for kaneki a little longer.. just a little longer.

Ever since he "came back" she's realized how dearly she missed him. She was fine (?) when she thought he was dead why couldn't he have just...no no she could never wish that.

We are now at the tsukiyama family raid, while I have my problems with this, overall I think it was one of res peaks, only saying this so you are up to date on what point in the story we're at.

When kaneki finally wakes up, he thinks of his goal, the one goal that stayed even during his dormancy. To protect the people he loves. With haise asleep he can do that. To protect hinami... Shuu... Touka . He won't fail them like he did Hide.

And apparently shirazu? I guess😭

Black reaper is here, and boy is he overcompensating, the tough guy act is back . He's cold. He's mean. He "nearly" kills eto, someone he was actually supposed to save. And.. part of him... does? I don't know what that whole deal was don't ask me it's still confusing this is all canon here I am so confused about the black reaper vs eto fight yk what? Bad time back to touken rewrite back to non canon that should be canon

He throws shuu off a fucking roof yeah that happens I guess maybe it was a last ditch effort to save him. do I really have cover all this I don't think so actually but whatever his resolve his back the savior complex is back full force you get it

When touka sees kaneki again, after he's got hinami, she's angry. She knows kanekis back, nows her chance to finally get out that frustration. It's a bad time, not now... She pushed down her rage. "I'll see you." Not knowing kaneki intends to die by the hands of his father, Arima. Touka intends to see him later, to finally give him a piece of her mind. Oh tragic doomed lovers

During him and Arimas fight, all he thinks of is his friends, the people he needs to protects. Especially Touka, her words run through his head "I'll see you". I'll see you.

After his internal talk with "Hide" he realizes, he wants to live. "You just haven't found a reason to live, you'll find one in no time" and he had.. he just hadn't realized before.. he wants to live for everybody,, for touka.

If you noticed, not much has changed for black reaper and Touka

That's because I really love them for the most part, touka has been watered down but not nearly as much as she is in later parts of the story. This is where we fall out of canon touken almost entirely, because this is where my real problems with it start. Not just my problems with Touka.

After arimas death, Kaneki his heir, becomes the new one eyed king. Yomo and ayato had gotten hinami safely back to re. Touka stays behind to look for Kaneki. He wants to apologize but he's met with a clean punch to the face, just like the first time he left. Touka screams at him, unleashing all sorts of anger that she had kept bottled up

Using her kagune she slices at him, eventually they end up on the ground. Her hands are wrapped firmly around his neck not quite choking. She begins to cry, her grip softening as she crumbles before him. He sweetly holds her face with a hand and gives a pathetic "I'm sorry."

They stumble back to the coffee shop leaving cochlea, on the way kaneki tells touka about the quinx, his time at the ccg. He's filling the empty silence as touka just ignores him. She's still angry.

"Why did... You leave." It's asked in a sad voice, she's gritting her teeth with clenched fists.

"I thought it'd be best, I wanted to protect you, hide,, everyone at anteiku. It's what I had to do to get stronger"

"So you push me away? You take Tsukiyama with you?? But not me?"

"You had your studies"

"You know damn well that's not the reason! You thought I was weak!" She slams a fist against the door. Her tears are starting back up again.

"I didn't think you could.. I didn't want.. I was trying to protect you" he tries to reason, he really doesn't wanna do this now.

"You're selfish. You're still that fucking book nerd from before! Now you're trying to be someone you're not!'

She'd grab him by the collar of his shirt, kaneki doesn't fight it. He places a relaxed hand over her tense ones. They walk back into re.

A month has passed, just trying to recollect. He and many others are staying at the most notable being hinami and ayato. Nishio frequently visits. The air between touka and kaneki is thick but, there's an understanding. She knows why he left, she doesn't like it but she understands

Kaneki gets why she's upset, he hates to see her sad.

She makes him coffee for the first time since he was Sasaki, now he can truly appreciate how good it is, now he can truly appreciate her. Re is lovely, it feels like anteiku, like home. Touka outdid herself.

Touka talks about random things, trying to fill the air. It's weird having him again, she's trying to make it a new normal.

"Are you.. really back, kaneki?" An affirming nod is all Touka needs. It honestly makes her mad, makes her wanna hit him again, but she doesn't. She wants to learn to forgive.

(In canon touka DOES hit him here but like, then she's over it??? Like huh??? I thought that was stupid I want her to hold some real resentment not just hit him once and be over everything)

Kaneki starts "GOAT" which is STEWPID it's a stupid name that's not relevant I just wanna say it's stupid. Also to clarify the timeline again

Kanekis is sweet on her, and Toukas sweet on him. Situations are dire but they still make time to flirt... poorly. Kaneki smiling like an idiot and touka staring at her feet with a nervous blushed look. It's weird, they're both new to relationships, sure toukas been in a couple flings that last 4 months at most but never a real relationship. They're not dating but,, it's more than just old friends.

When touka asks to talk to him later kaneki assumes it's something about the mission, or something about the ccg

"So have you uh.. done it yet" She asks. Did he forget something?

"Done what?"

Her face is red

"Like,, y'know..."

"I knowww what?"

Touka looks frustrated after that, oh dear what as he done this time.

"Sex."

"Ah." Kaneki nearly spills his coffee

"Why do you uh.. ask."

Touka hides her face in her hand "whatever just.- forget it you wouldn't wanna be up for it anyways too much shit going on ha" she nervous laughs, avoiding eye contact.

Ohh.. kaneki gets it. Wait.

"No no now you have to tell me" he eggs on

Touka shakes her head, mouth firmly shut.

"Cmonn!!"

"I wanted to know if you'd like wanna do it with me which I mean you obviously dontcauselikeyeah no thatssoweird I'm so weird for asking" she begins to ramble clearly embarrassed

Her gibberish speech is stopped by a hand gently holding hers

"I really like you Touka."

She freezes.

Touka doesn't even have time to say it back before there's a short peck on her lips

Her eyes focus on kaneki, his face most likely redder than hers

"Was that.. bad?" Toukas both dying internally and cheering a mix of LETS FUCKING GOOOO and OH MY GOD NOOO Is the best way I can describe it.

"Remember when,, you said you'd be sad if I died" it's a distant memory but he nods

"I think that's when... I started to. Like you." Her sentence has pauses, she finally looks him in the eyes again.

Their moment is disrupted by a CCG raid led by tooru. Touka rushes into help, she's lost him once there's no way she'll let it happen again.

Res raid happens in a flash

After all that is said and done

He talks about hide, says all he wanted was to see him, touka can empathize. She misses Yoriko more than anything.

Toukas the one who initiates the kiss, they fall into the room together with messy kisses and promises to never leave each other again are prominent. Fingers digging into soft skin is welcomed it's all toukas wanted since she can remember

"Stay with me,, stay with me.." and "I love yous" are all that can be heard. They're close but not close enough all either of them want is to melt together as one. Then.. there's a bite.

Touka sinks her teeth into the nape of his neck, solidifying them together. He won't leave again, he promised. They'll keep each other safe.

They watch Yorikos wedding from afar, she longs to be there with her. She would've made such a good maid of honor. All kaneki can think about is when he's finally gonna get to marry touka.

Touka begins to wear her father's ring around her neck more frequently, starting to imagine a future with kaneki. Maybe he'll wear it someday, if he'll have her.

Days or weeks pass, touka feels sick to her stomach? She's worried she's... Late. Now would be a shitty time to be pregnant huh? It may just be stress. Looking back probably should've used protection.

Huddled in a bathroom holding a now used pregnancy test waiting for results.

Negative.

She's both relieved, and disappointed. Mostly relieved. There's time for that later. This scare only fuels her want to have a family with kaneki, one day. Just not yet.

She doesn't tell kaneki about it, another time.

Their time planning isn't left without kisses and reassurances that everything will be okay. Sometimes kaneki will get too stressed out and touka, oh touka you've never been good at comforting will /demand/ him to calm down. It ends with kaneki laughing and "that's not how that works!" and touka playfully pushing him away.

At some point they're sitting together, touka lazily resting against his shoulder.

"Thought I was pregnant.."

Kanekis heart sinks

"Are you?"

"No.. but I'd like to be, some point maybe.." it's grumbled and she's pulling away. Kaneki gently squeezes her hand

"We'll get there at some point" it's said with a sweet smile

"Dyknow how ghouls get married?"

Kaneki shakes his head. Toukas finger trails along that bite mark on his neck.

"A bite. Sorry, should've asked you.. heat of the moment"

Suddenly they're moving, kanekis, hands on her shoulders as he leans down

"Will you have me?"

"Always" she somehow stammers out and he reciprocates the mark on her, teeth sinking in almost feels like a prayer.

There's no wedding ceremony, that won't be for awhile. But it's good to know they have each other. Just in case they don't get the chance to.

Here's where we really get off canon

There's a war, it's started by kaneki and furuta slipping up and saying something wrong to mutsuki I won't get into the details but it's all their mother fucking fault furutas the main cause he's instigating BLAH BLAH BLAH

People die he's missing it's essentially ccg vs aoigiri and ghouls in general I hate the dragon arc I told you this would happen you were warned Im not going into details because this is about touken not the general story of re and what I would do to fix it

There's a search for kaneki, the ccg needs to find him for execution and the ghouls need to find him cuz duh he's their leader the one eyed king

Touka talks with hide on the roof (he's back now whatever I just didn't mention it assume things I don't mention are just stuff that happen in re you fill in the blanks)

They both talk about their love for him, there's an understanding, fighting to save someone who you're not sure you actually can save. Two sides of the same coin. Toukas almost mad he stole kanekis first kiss.

He's found half death buried beneath a sea of bodies, touka pulls him out. She can barely hear a heart beat, what did you do kaneki... He's dying, touka drags his almost lifeless body out. His body oh God his BODY has been slowly being consumed by his kakuja, it covers his face his chest. It's trying to eat to heal not knowing the damage it's causing.

There is no life in this city aside from touka and the dying light in her arms. She won't give up she can't now, they still have to have a family

Kanekis brought to a room, in a dazed rc cell deficient coma

The ccg is on hold with their plans of execution, they'll wait for him to wake up. Not sure if he ever will

Touka is at his bed side when he finally wakes, instinctively enveloping him in a hug she makes demands of "don't you ever scare me like that again" with eyes full of tears, probably got a lil snot on him too ugly crying, she offers him her father's ring, which he accepts.

There's kakuja scars lining down his body now, but it's good to be alive.

With the war still raging and furuta as it's lead there has to be something done but . There's good news for once

Kaneki learns that hides alive, he wants to see him. Kaneki meets with hide and that whole scene doesn't change cuz I love it

Kaneki, now fully healed needs to finish what he started.

Whole furuta vs the ccg fight yada yada yada it ends with a peace treaty between ghouls and humans you don't care you came for touken and I don't care I came to talk about touken

With furuta dead, the world at peace, they can finally do what they always wanted.

In the epilogue, there's a gathering at the kaneki house, the wedding was years before and isn't shown. Everyone they knew is there, and there's a small figure being held by Touka, a smiling baby girl named Ichika after kanekis mother. She's beautiful with dark purple roots like touka with white filling the rest like kanekis. Touka went back to school and became a biologist, working on ghouls and figuring out how they all work. Kaneki became a middle ground ghouls and humans, the ambassador of both sides. Finally having the family they've always wanted. It's a beautiful day.

This should not be as long as it is, I'm so sorry it's still a rough draft of what I actually would've wanted😭

And to clarify some of the war stuff I will cover how I think that arc should've went in a different post so I'm sorry if things are confusing fill in the blanks with stuff already from re

I reread re in a DAY to write this and looking back re touken is not as bad as I remembered. It's just ... Bland.. a nothing sandwich with a side of water. But that's me being mean sorry they do have some cute moments

Thank you for sitting through this incomprehensible ramble with many many plot holes but those aren't relevant it's a touken centric post not the general story!!! Thank you I'm Cody!!

#tokyo ghoul #ken kaneki #touka kirishima #kaneki ken #text post #character analysis #touken #re touken #tokyo ghoul re #tooru mutsuki #renji yomo #ayato kirishima #ship analysis #rewrite #timeline

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ipsen · 1 year ago

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Blank Canvas Chapter 8

Read on AO3. this chapter was cursed as hell to write (the blockage was real) but i made my deadline so HA Summary: On Sen Takatsuki being a murderer. Word Count: 4225 Chapter 9 Chapter 7 Master Post

No text.

No call.

Nothing.

It was like Kishou was never there at all.

She couldn’t reach out to him, because her number had been blocked. He wouldn’t reach out to her, because he never did. It was always her bending his ear, her approaching him, her reaching out to someone she always knew was unreachable. Lonely souls were alone for a reason.

(She didn’t want to be alone. She was terrible like that.)

She lay sprawled out on her bed, cold like concrete, with books occupying every corner that she couldn’t reach. Shelley, Murakami, Poe, Dazai, Kafka, Hakushuu— she devoured their contents wholly, unlike the half-person she was. Read, analyze, reread. A cycle that couldn’t end.

Why was it that everything she wanted slipped through her fingers like sand? Papa died, her ‘father’ hated her, and now Kishou had disappeared.

The only constant was her.

Her, a murderer.

Her, a byproduct.

Her, a pastime.

She picked up a book at random. Her eyes glided over the words, barely taking them in. It was presumptuous of her to think she could be loved, wasn’t it? Presumptuous to think that by putting her own words out there, someone would approach her and understand. She was just so—

The door cracked open, letting a sliver of light pierce the darkness “Kiddo?” Shiono’s voice said. “You okay?”

— ugly.

She was ugly and broken, and he knew that more than anyone. He should leave her alone. Just like everyone else.

But the door opened wider instead, bathing her in brightness. She covered herself with her blanket. Don’t look don’t look dont look don’t look don’t look—

Shiono’s footsteps drew closer. “I heard you come in earlier. I’m glad you’re safe.”

Liar. He was angry. She had disobeyed him. She hadn’t listened to him about Kishou. She was terrible and stepped out of line and so should be punished.

She felt his weight sink into the side of the bed.

It would start with a barrage of ‘I told you so!’-s and ‘why didn’t you listen?’-s. He would read her thoughts out loud to her, shake her ear drums to their core until they bled with the truth. He would rip off the covers, yell right in her face. The spit would pierce her skin and infect it, and it would still be less than she deserved. She was such a—

“I’m sorry.”

What?

“I’m not a very good guardian, am I? I can’t even protect you from a bad boyfriend.” Shiono laughed, but it was a sad one. “I’m sorry I’m not someone you think you can trust.”

Why was he saying this? She was worthless. Nothing. A clump of meat slapped onto the slab of the world to be cut up and butchered because that was all she was good for. Right?

“But… I care about you, Sen.”

Sen blinked. The name she chose. A single kanji meaning ‘spring’ or ‘fountain’. Papa always loved the hot springs. He promised he’d take her one day, once they had enough money to fund a trip. It never happened.

“I want to do better, so can we talk?”

Sen slowly peeled the blanket away from her face, revealing jade eyes that glanced up at her guardian. Shiono was frowning, and concerned, and worried about her.

“Hey, kiddo,” he said, attempting a half smile.

Tears soaked her pillow before she knew it.

———

On the train, Kaneki couldn’t stop thinking about it.

It made too much sense: Fushimi’s motive in the story, Takatsuki’s ‘passing’ history with Donato, Donato’s unusual victims, the double murder in the 8th ward.

Donato had been framed, and Takatsuki was the real culprit.

The only question was: why?

Why was Donato framed? Why was Takatsuki let go? Who exactly was he working with? Not only that, but who was responsible for the framing, and why did they do it? Was it to catch Donato, with Takatsuki’s crime a convenient excuse? Were they trying to protect Takatsuki and Donato was the price? If so, then from what?

And then the second victim, Noroi… He shared Takatsuki’s last name, spelling and all. Had she killed him too, or had she only killed Kasuka Mado? Either way, why did she kill anyone? What were the circumstances that led up to it? Would Kaneki be her next—

His phone buzzed, interrupting his trail of thought. He checked the text, and a once-dormant pit in his stomach made itself known again.

From: Hina touka n kaya are busy today you still available?

He’d been so caught up in his recent revelations that he’d forgotten his destination today. He quickly replied:

To: Hina I’m heading over right now. See you then!

He put his phone away with a sigh.

It never got easier, did it? Perhaps the pain dulled, but that didn’t mean the void left was gone. You could paint over it and fill it with other things— maybe even better things— but it would still be a void. It would still be a harrowing loss. You would always be left wondering: what if things could be different?

Kaneki reached his stop and got off, heading toward the cemetery.

He hoped Hina was doing okay. She’d been tutoring at the local elementary school, if he remembered correctly, so they hadn’t had time to really meet up, especially now that he finally had a job. Time was so strange; he still remembered when he watched her stumble and struggle with the kanji in Monochrome Rainbow. Now she would be the one watching.

Speaking of Monochrome Rainbow, maybe he should have invited Takatsuki to say hi, make Hina’s day. Would that be weird, inviting your coworker/crush/possible murderer to an annual memorial visit? Not to mention the possible murderer part. Emphasis on the possible murderer part, even.

He came to a stop at a streetlight, where the shadows cast by the setting sun made it seem like it was nighttime.

He recalled when he caught Takatsuki in his arms, and the way she had stared so… owlishly at him. Almost as if she were fascinated by him. Though that couldn’t be true; he was just an artist drawing her story and giving her his input regarding composition. To think they were— or could be— anything more was stupid and senseless.

Wait, why was he even concerned about that when she could have killed someone? Shouldn’t he be more worried that he could be next on her list? If she could get away with murder and stick the Priest himself in Cochlea, who was to say she didn’t have more victims there, intentional or otherwise?

He passed the gates, hands stuffed in his pockets.

Ugh, he was thinking like Hide in college; someone too caught up in theory to take a solid stance on fact. The truth was that he just didn’t know enough, so he shouldn’t jump to any drastic conclusions. He needed more info.

That, and he felt like she wouldn’t kill someone without a really good reason. If there was one thing he’d learned about her these past few months, it was that everything she did had a purpose. Maybe that was why he was having an easy time digesting it. There was a motive, a justification— otherwise, it wouldn’t make sense, and it wouldn’t be Takatsuki.

He saw Ryouko and Asaki’s joint gravestone on its small hill beneath a cherry blossom tree. They had always enjoyed spring the most, and Kaya made sure they could continue to enjoy it long after their passing.

And there, leaning against that tree, was Hina, with her signature four-leaf clover pins holding up her hair on either side.

He remembered when they first met. A scrawny thirteen-year-old girl, whose head barely came up to his shoulders. Now she was eighteen, fully grown, and they were nearly the same height. Despite that, he could never quite not see the little sister figure who turned to him for help when she couldn’t read something.

When she saw him, her face lit up. “Ken!”

He waved as they jogged up to meet. “Hey, Hina—”

He was cut off by her tight embrace, and the pair shared a laugh. “I’m glad you could make it,” she said, pulling back. “Touka’s med school exam is today, and Kaya’s taking up Enji’s work again tonight, so…”

Again. Mr. Yoshimura was getting worse. “I see… I’m sorry.”

Her lip quirked up. “I’m sure Mom and Dad wouldn’t mind; they’re doing it to help people.”

Kaneki frowned. “True, but it’s nice to visit every now and then. I’m sure they get lonely, even with each other as company.” He scratched his cheek. “I’m sure there are some days where they get sick of each other.”

“Ha! Yeah…” She rubbed her arm. “Still, I’d feel bad asking them to make time for this now.”

“But you asked me?” he teased, chuckling.

She smirked. “Well, I had to make sure you weren’t having too much fun with your new coworker.”

Heat would have rushed to his cheeks on any other day, but this time, he just laughed nervously. “Um, thanks…”

It clearly wasn’t what Hina was expecting, and he felt the same way. “Is… everything okay?” Now it was her turn to frown. “Don’t tell me she’s—”

“N-No, it’s not that, just…” Kaneki rubbed his chin. “I’m just a little tired is all…”

She grabbed his hand and pulled it away from his chin, a defiant look on her face. “You can tell me, Ken. You deserve to suffer the least, out of everyone I know. You know that, right?”

“But it’s not that simple. Takatsuki—” He stopped himself. Don’t say it; the idea would destroy her. “It’s nothing I can’t handle.”

“So?” She took his other hand, holding both firmly in her grasp. “It’s nothing you can’t share either, right?”

“Hina…”

“I want to help you, Ken,” she said. “Like how you, and Touka, and Kaya, and everyone else helped me.”

Perhaps once upon a time, that wouldn’t have been enough. Perhaps, once upon a time, he would have shut her out, like he had done so many other times with other, more resilient people. But things were different now. Kaneki’s walls were not as thin as they used to be, and he was not as partial to as many masks.

And… he was getting a little tired of pretending.

He stopped fighting her, and after a sigh, yielded. He told her about the 8th ward, and about Noroi Takatsuki. He talked about Donato, and what he said that set Kaneki on this path in the first place. He talked about how uneasy he felt, because even though it was clear Donato wanted to mess with him, there were hard facts about Takatsuki that couldn’t be ignored.

Hina took her time to respond. Her brow knit, and she took a seat under the cherry blossom tree. It was almost like analyzing Takatsuki’s works with her all over again; they would talk about the content and the kanji readings, then discuss their own personal relations to it. Afterward, they would consult current events, see if there was anything going on in the real world that could have inspired Takatsuki to write what she wrote.

“What do you think about her now?” Hina looked at Kaneki as he sat beside her. “Do you… still like her?”

He chuckled wryly. “Of course I do… I don’t think I could ever not like her.” He glanced up at the sky, which had turned red and orange with the sunset. “That’s what makes this so hard— Am I terrible for feeling this way? Am I the horrible one for feeling almost nothing for Kasuka Mado’s family? They could have lost the most amazing person in the world, and I think I would feel the same way. That’s… awful.”

She sidled up closer to Kaneki, holding his hand. “I don’t think so.”

He frowned. “Why not?”

With her other hand, Hina drew her knees close to her. “I won’t pretend to know anything about Takatsuki, but her work… doesn’t strike me as belonging to a monster.

“You said the murder was thirteen years ago, right? That would be around when Dear Kafka and The Dropped Box were published. When I read those, I just felt this… sorrowful anger. A deep-seated loathing for the very words that expressed them…”

The child that lost their way home Forgot how to return home at all And so they wished for death once again.

“They’re works of hopelessness, and they’re full of longing that doesn’t seem achievable within the narrative. That’s why they’re tragedies.” Hina looked up at him. “Do you think someone heartless could write something so empty?”

Kaneki knew his answer from the start. “No, I don’t.”

She smiled. “Then there you go.”

He returned it gladly. “Thank you, Hina; you always help me organize my thoughts.”

She chuckled, standing up. “I didn’t do anything special; just gave you a bit of a push.” She helped him up. “Shall we, then?”

They took their time to pay their respects to Ryouko and Asaki. Afterwards, Kaneki looked around, finally noticing something. “Hey, where’s Ayato?”

Hina blinked. “Oh! H-He’s been held up by work. They’re apparently gearing up for something big this weekend, and so he’s busier than usual.”

His brow furrowed. Tatara’s play was this weekend too, and if Kaneki remembered correctly, Ayato worked on things related to lights…

He shook his head; it couldn’t be.

———

The next day, Kaneki entered Shoeisha and gave Ami a hesitant wave. It was not returned. He really should stop trying at this point.

Making his way to the sixth floor, he walked the familiar path to Takatsuki’s office, Hina’s encouragement fresh in his mind, and as he reached for the doorknob, he noticed something strange:

162 Sen Takatsuki Haise Sasaki

He paused. His hand dropped back to his side as he stared at a shiny silver plate with his pseudonym on it, and not a sticky note with it scrawled in pencil.

Why was his name there?

He glanced down the hall and happened to see Shiono walking by with a cup of coffee, who glanced back. He just gave Kaneki a thumbs up and an encouraging grin before continuing on his way.

Somehow, it was a bigger mystery than Noroi and Donato combined.

Gathering his wits and opening the door, Kaneki was surprised to see that Takatsuki had arrived before him for a change, reading one of her books with her feet propped up on her desk and wearing her favorite burgundy sweater. Today’s hairstyle, as if to contrast the low pigtails from Cochlea, was a pair of high pigtails. The ends of the two bundles fanned out and swayed around her shoulders like calming tides.

It suited her, and gave her neck a surprising amount of room to breathe and Kaneki wondered why he hadn’t shut up about it yet.

She looked up as soon as he entered and clapped her book shut, not even bothering to dogear the page like she usually did. “Haise! Good morning.”

“G-Good morning…” he greeted back, dropping his stuff on the couch. He gestured vaguely to the door. “Uh, what’s with the, uh—”

“The nameplate?” She trotted over to him, smiling. He was seeing it reach her eyes more often of late. “You like it?”

“I-I— It’s, um… It’s— I mean—” I’m sorry you wasted it on me— “i-it’s flattering, I guess?”

Her face fell ever so slightly. “Oh.”

He immediately backpedaled. “N-No, I meant—! That is to say, I just— W-Well, getting this is— I, um, okay, I— Okay, I’m so sorry; yesterday was such a long day and I have a lot on my mind and—”

“Haise.”

“I’m really really sorry and I’m honored— really, I am!— And it’s just, well, um— Look, I just wasn’t expecting you or, or Shiono to put something like it up, so I—”

“Haise!”

Surprisingly strong hands gripped either of Kaneki’s shoulders, jolting him out of his blabbering. He inclined his head to see an amused, if a bit concerned, Takatsuki looking back at him. And touching him. Well, touching his shirt, but she was touching him. Again.

“I get it,” she said, fighting a chuckle. “Do you want me to take it down?”

“Hot…” What.

She blinked, and without the cover of darkness like last time, he was forced to confront that that was definitely pink dusting her cheeks. “What?”

“Hot— i-in here! Aren’t you hot in that?” He gestured to her clothing.

She laughed almost in relief. “Your concern is appreciated, but there’s more important things to do today.”

Appreciated. “R-Right.” He cleared his throat. “A-And, um, if you could keep up the nameplate. Um, please.”

She beamed at him before rummaging through her bag. After a moment, she took out a familiar manila folder. “Check it out: Donato’s complete case file.” She handed it over to him, clearly proud of herself.

Kaneki blinked as he flipped through, feeling his heart sink anew. It was exactly like the copy he and Hide had. Crimes, trial, autopsies… Everything. Where had she gotten this?

“Had to steal some Tsukiyama-brand underwear for it, but it was worth it.” She giggled.

He hoped she was joking.

They sat down on the couch together and went through it. Like he did with Hide, he and Takatsuki found the disparity between certain victims and Donato’s preferred type. Also like with Hide, Kaneki was positive this wasn’t her first criminal case file. Halfway through, he began to wonder if he had a knack for finding the detective type.

However, there was a key difference in this investigation that differed from the one at home: Takatsuki knew far more about the irregular victims beyond the page.

“Large-scale theft of resources from Kaiko Industries, attempted excess lobbying for the JCP, smuggling of illegal goods under the Ihei name…” she muttered as they went through each file. “Each one was murdered shortly after these crimes were discovered.”

Kaneki swallowed as they looked at Nanao Yasuhisa, former president of the Sphinx trading company. He was (according to her) incriminated for selling illegal drugs to an unknown receiver based in Tokyo before he was murdered. The case regarding his trade was also closed shortly after, and remained unsolved to this day. It was a consistent pattern, one with unsettling implications.

And to top things off, the file on Kasuka Mado and Noroi Takatsuki was noticeably absent.

Kaneki’s discomfort must have been on his face, because she tapped his shoulder, making him jump. “You okay?”

He tried to laugh it off and failed. “O-Oh, it’s nothing; I just, well…” He dropped his hand from approaching his chin and sighed. “It’s just… All these people dying… It’s wrong.”

Takatsuki watched him for a bit before going back to reading. “Even if the dead person is trash?”

He frowned. He didn’t expect that response, not after what Hina had said yesterday. “I—”

“Do you know Tsuneyoshi Washuu?”

“H-Huh? Uh, not much…” He thought for a moment. “He was… the former chairman of the Washuu Task Force…?”

She didn’t miss a beat. “He was also a rapist, and his favorite targets were his in-laws and his daughters.”

“O-Oh, um—”

“He was murdered about four years ago, and now he can’t rape anyone ever again. Tell me: is the murderer ‘wrong’?”

He scratched his head. “I… Well…”

“Perhaps these people here didn’t deserve it, but let’s not pretend that there aren’t people the world is better off without.” A hint of that simmering anger she liked to hide bubbled up to her expression.

Kaneki pursed his lips. He couldn’t exactly refute her; life for lots of people would be much easier if certain others weren’t around. It was certainly a solution to rid them of their oppressors by violence and lay the grounds for improvement.

Plus, was it even right to try the diplomatic approach? That could take years, and the oppressors would spend those years continuing to oppress, continuing to let people suffer at their whim. Like Tsuneyoshi Washuu would have. His would-be victims were not victims solely because he was not around.

“It’s still sad, though,” he idly thumbed Mr. Yasuhisa’s profile, “don’t you think?”

She said ‘here’, and when she stated she had Donato’s complete case file, she implied she had Kasuka and Noroi’s file as well. It gave him a glimmer of hope.

The rigid anger in her face faltered. “Haise…”

“I-I can’t say you’re wrong, because you’re not.” He looked away. “I… agree with you too, and that makes me sad.”

He wondered what Kasuka and Noroi had felt as they died. When he wondered that, he wanted to know how Takatsuki fit in. Perhaps he shouldn’t know; knowledge could be as dangerous as it was valuable, and the change it would cause in their current dynamic would be irreversible.

“I wish we didn’t have to kill the few to save the many, even if those few are monsters,” he admitted. “But wishing won’t change anything, will it?”

But he couldn’t just leave it alone either. He wanted to know more. He wanted to see the real Takatsuki, and seeing her meant learning about her, regardless of the muck he had to sift through. There was one thing he knew, though: she wanted to help people.

“It doesn’t fill the void dug by their claws, and it doesn’t bring back the lives they’ve stolen from others.”

And if he was being honest, he agreed a lot more with her than he wanted to admit.

Surgery— a series of surgeries, to be performed over months or even years— was expensive, and if Ryouko wanted her best chance at recovery, there would be multiple undertakings. A single mother living off an office worker’s salary couldn’t hope to afford it without incurring an unpayable debt. And so she had been forced to choose: her life, or her daughter’s.

To this day, almost five years later, Kaneki wondered if she had chosen right.

He had never felt more powerless than when he held Hina close, watching the life slowly drain from Ryouko’s face. He was sad then, just as he was now, but as he considered the perspective of Takatsuki— the one person he, ironically, felt could understand him without words— he realized he had felt another emotion:

Anger.

Anger at Ryouko’s disease for festering within her. Anger at the hospital for charging an unrealistic amount. Anger at the world that deemed someone as kind as her should die prematurely or damn herself and her daughter for the rest of their lives. Anger at himself, someone who was helpless and powerless and—

Kaneki suddenly felt Takatsuki’s hand gingerly touch his shoulder, as if she was afraid he’d shatter like glass, and he flinched.

“May I?”

When he turned, she was looking at him steadily, awaiting his response. No malice; just concern for someone else.

He nodded.

Her hand reached out across his back and, slowly, pulled him closer. She shifted in her seat so that her body supported him and their legs pressed together. She rubbed his arm, quietly resting her head against his shoulder. Despite himself, he reciprocated, pressing his cheek against the crown of her head, and they sat on the couch in silence, feeling each other’s presence.

He’d always imagined that in this moment— once fantasy, now reality— he would be a fidgeting, blushing mess. A hug from Sen Takatsuki was sure to drive him crazy. Instead, though, he felt comfortable in her half-embrace, and let out a content sigh for it.

He chanced to glance at her. She was staring straight ahead at something, and judging by the softness of her smile, it was something pleasant. He decided to look at it too.

“You’re very kind, Haise,” she said suddenly. “Despite everything you’ve been through. It gives me hope.”

Kaneki gave her hope? “Um, thank you…”

“I’m serious! You should really be out there and not cooped up in here.” She chuckled with a hint of bitterness. “It feels like a waste.”

Did she… think this a waste? Writing things that resonated with people, comforted them in their lowest moments? Told them that they were not wrong for being angry or sad or lonely? Was she truly so blind to her own effects?

It seemed impossible, but as he considered it, considered himself, it didn’t seem so far-fetched. When you were alone— well and truly alone— nothing you did seemed worthy of anything. And so the cycle continued.

Before he knew it, his hand was upon Takatsuki’s shoulder, making his body mirror hers. “I don’t think so.”

She tried to scoff. “Is that so?”

“Mhm. Because I… I don’t want to be anywhere else.” He pursed his lips. “And… I kind of like being cooped up in here.”

Her lips parted, as if to say something, but nothing came out, so she closed them again, instead snuggling a little closer. She felt cold, but it was warm today anyway.

“Thank you,” she finally whispered, and this time, it wasn’t a courtesy.

———

“Unsettling news tonight as an anonymous tip claims the Torso is going to strike in the 13th ward next. The Washuu Task Force assures us that it is a false alarm, but citizens are advised to stay indoors…”

#blank canvas #HINA HINA HINA YAHOO #hug ur loved ones today <3

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lasttabris · 6 months ago

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Ken Kaneki | One Eyed King [ Tokyo Ghoul: Re ]

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Name: Ken Kaneki Canon: Tokyo Ghoul: Re Canon Point: Chapter 98 / Chapter 132 / Chapter 179 Age: 23 Species: Half-ghouls/half-Kakujas History: Wikia

Personality (Chapter 45 to 98):

At chapter 45, Sasaki's current canon point, he was starting to doubt his identity. After having met ghouls who feared the "Eyepatch Ghoul" (who Kaneki used to be), he showed a lot of fear about becoming someone who others would fear, he was afraid of the things he had done as Kaneki and what he did to earn such fear from the ghoul community. He didn’t want to become "Kaneki, the ghoul of which other ghouls are terrified of". However, he still wanted to know who Kaneki used to be; as he saw Kaneki inside his mind, heard his words, as he met with old friends, even if he was afraid of who he used to be, Sasaki didn't want to let go of that person. He justified this as "the fear of waking up without knowing anything" and he felt like he couldn't cling to what was given to him, if he couldn't even remember who he was.

This struggle would eventually come to an halt. Thanks to events in canon, Sasaki was sent on a mission by the Commission of Counter Ghoul, to attack and eradicate Tsukiyama Family - the family of Shuu Tsukiyama, one of Kaneki's old friends (which he forgot about). While meeting Tsukiyama did not bring Sasaki's memories back, someone else helped with that: Eto, aka Sen Takatsuki aka the Leader of Aogiri Tree (a quick reminder that Kaneki was tortured by Aogiri Tree in canon, long ago). Eto enters the battle and literally beats the hell out of Sasaki in order to trigger his memories and she is very sucessful in that.

In order to understand the shock, imagine what it's like to have years of memories returning to you in such a short moment; Sasaki learned everything he had forgotten about Kaneki and learned who he truly was. Memories of the abuse lived by his mother, memories of his torture, memories of his loss, memories of the terror lived, as well as memories of the terror caused and memories of the awful things he did. Sasaki "went to sleep" that very second and Kaneki "woke up" once again, full of grief, full of despair, full of pain and suffering. All of this, aided by the fact that one of Sasaki's subordinates (Shizaru) died during the operation, lead Kaneki/Sasaki into a whole new phase of his life, which we call "Black Reaper Kaneki".

This is one of darkest, saddest and most emotionally heavy stages of Kaneki's life, even more so than Post-Aogiri Torture. After realizing he helped to exterminate his friend's whole family, after realizing that he sent Hinami to jail where she'd eventually be disposed of, after realizing that other important friends KNEW Kaneki was alive as Sasaki (Touka, Nishio, Yomo) and yet they never came for him, after realizing that again he lost someone important to him and he was far too weak to do anything, Kaneki went into a spiral of self-hatred and became rather disgusting himself. He accused Urie (one of his subordinates) that he was weak and Shizaru's death had been partially his fault due to his lack of ability, for example, something that Kaneki would have NEVER said in any other phase of his life. This was also when Sasaki - no, Kaneki - decided:

"This time, I want to do something that will allow me to be loved by everyone. A good thing, a bad thing, it doesn't matter. And after that,

I want to die in style."

During this time we have little to no insight on what is happening within Kaneki and all of his actions show him to have turned cold stone, cruel, downright sadistic. He is set on going after Aogiri Tree and their leader to capture her, and in his path he leaves body after body, exterminating the ghouls he sees without caring they are lives that he just took (unlike Sasaki, who despite obeying orders, tried not to be cruel). He is also seen to have departed from the Castle where he lived with his subordinates; during this time, Sasaki severed contact with his "children" and joined another investigator called Furuta in order to hunt for Takatsuki/Eto. Finally, he also stopped visiting Hinami and her date for extermination started drawing near without Sasaki ever bothering to visit her. All through the 6 months that passed by, Sasaki kept this scary and especially creepy smile on his lips, and seemed to only be set on Aogiri and capturing Eto.

This was truly a very dark phase, but not without its merits. While Sasaki seemed to forget everything else, he didn't. His plan to capture Eto and send her to Cochlea Prison was but an excuse to have the CCG focus on Aogiri and their leader alone, and Sasaki would use that as a diversion in order to save Hinami from Cochlea; that would be his very last stand, one that would make him loved by everyone (his friends, such as Hinami, Touka, etc) even though it was a bad thing. And after he'd fight Arima, his own father, in order to give Hinami enough time to escape, and finally he'd die by Arima's hands.

But not all is lost. Or that terrible it's still very terrible tho. During his fight with Arima, there was quite a lot that Sasaki learned - but above all, he learned to want to live. At first, his battle with Arima was merely one to stall but never to win; as Kaneki was facing his own father, he never expected to win against him, the one who was said to be the unbeatable ghoul investigator. As such, Sasaki fought him like a dead man, someone welcoming death and someone like that could never defeat Arima.

And when he was at the very end and about to give in and die, Hide came into play. Certainly Kaneki was simply hallucinating, but that was the person he needed to see and the person he needed to remember; his subconscious took Hide's form and told him exactly what he needed to hear:

"I'll say it as many times as it takes for you to hear it. It may not be stylish, but…

LIVE."

On the verge of death, he has a revelation. In a beautiful moment, Kaneki realizes not just that he actually doesn’t want to die, but that all those voices and messages that he's internalized, all the people he’s been living for, were actually things that he himself was thinking. For the first time in a very long time, kaneki finally desired to live and this is by far the biggest step forward he ever took.

Perhaps a lot of it was about obligation to the others he still had to save, or perhaps he wanted to find a reason to live and couldn't give up just yet - if he died now, he'd never find one - but whatever it was, it gave him the will to live. As so, Kaneki stopped wanting death. He had to live, he couldn't be killed by Arima - and this is one of the most important parts of his current personality: Kaneki wants to LIVE. Death is no longer his reason, but LIFE is. And he also realized that everything that went on through in his hazed mind, the hallucinations he saw, the people he heard whispering at his ear, Rize and Hide, and even all the people Kaneki and Sasaki have been living for were actually things that his own subconscious wanted.

He doesn't want to die and he will live. And so his battle with Arima will end only one way: with Kaneki's rebirth. And victory.

The moment Arima realizes he has lost and yet kaneki would not kill him, he cuts his own neck in order to die. While this was a huge shock to Kaneki, Arima manages to explain during his last breaths his position as a half-ghoul created by a group called V, who happen to be the Washuus - the creators of the Commission of Counter Ghoul. So Kaneki learns about the hypocrisy of the Washuu ghouls who wanted to be humans and shaped the world according to their own selfish desires, deeming all the other ghouls creatures to be murdered while they controlled humans to do their bidding. They even went as far as creating a breeding program called "Sunlit Garden" to produce half-human/half-ghouls (though the Garden children were failed experiments) in order to fulfill these desires. Arima also proceeds to explain that he met Eto and both worked together in order to find A KING, a figure everyone had been long searched by everyone and that represented Hope for a new world, and for a revolution. In his last moment, Arima admits to be said King, the One Eyed King, a title Eto gave him and he never disputed.

Even though Kaneki did not kill Arima, Arima asks for him to say he did in order to take the title of the One Eyed King, and thus he'd inherited a special kind of throne: a ghoul and a human throne, and to give hope to both these worlds - and Kaneki is indeed the best choice as he has lived in both worlds and often spoke of the balance between the two and showed kindness towards both. With this new king, the revolution would start: against the world, against the Washuu/V, against the humans who only saw ghouls as monsters to kill, and against the ghouls who only saw the humans as food.

Kaneki was chosen for many reasons, but his duality takes great importance. After Aiogiri he considered himself ghoul only and as Sasaki he considered himself human only - but once he regained his memories he stood with a bit of both and he became once again both human and ghoul, which is a kind of duality neither Eto or Arima had despite their hybrid nature. Ultimately both Arima and Eto had to pass on their traits in order to create a newer better One Eyed King and thus hope for a better world for ghouls and humans. And Kaneki was perfect to fill that role since he someone who despite all the harsh things happening in his life still was kind and thought of others first, someone who cared for both ghouls and humans, someone who would rebel rather than kill and destroy, and ultimately someone who had the chance to see and feel so much.

Even if all of this sounds wonderful there are many dark sides to it. It's necessary to remember how much of an unreliable narrator Kaneki is and how much he blinds himself. Long ago Kaneki hoped to be “born for love and revolution”, however his rebirth and placement as king is quite questionable in terms of love. While Arima DOES love Kaneki, in the end Kaneki was emotionally manipulated into becoming the king by that same man, and was also manipulated by Eto who made sure to bring back his memories and slap him around so he'd fight back. He was technically forced into the throne when he refused to Kill Arima and Arima decided he'd just kill himself instead.

Someone as emphatic as Kaneki could never say no to Arima's last dying wish which was for him to take the throne. It's also important to remember that Arima's and Kaneki's relationship was never 100% positive; at first, Arima saw Kaneki as nothing but a pawn to use and he is even seen dragging Kaneki's thorn up body like he is trash - while feelings change with time and Arima's certainly did too, it's important to remember he still used Kaneki and there was a lot of manipulation involved, and Kaneki does NOT see that.

While Kaneki can certainly make plenty of choices from here on now, as he has returned to the duality he once forgotten, he currently only has Arima and Eto’s plans as a guide to move forward and once again he was pushed into this role rather than choosing it by himself. However, as both Arima and Eto were pushed aside (now dead), so it becomes questionable to what exactly IS the plan now. Kaneki never knew what he could do to stop the divide between the ghouls and the humans, and while things are certainly changing, there is still much left to do and much left to decide. And there will still be much bloodshed too; after all, this throne was built by two very violent people (Eto and Arima) and Kaneki has much tendency to take up his parental figure's world views and that could lead to even more violence.

Kaneki needs a stronger sense of self, which he still needs to learn to have in order to break the cycle of violence he was pushed into.

Personality (chapter 98 to 132):

We last left Kaneki as the One Eyed King, a throne kept by Arima Kishou and warmed up by Eto Yoshimura, both now dead and, which they gave Kaneki to continue. He and his friends managed to escape Cochlea Prison - there were many losses but main characters don't die, so those deaths are okay.

To make things easier to understand, I’ll give you a summary: the CCG (the governmental group that fights the ghoul threat) are actually ran by ghouls, the Washuu Family, who have a special ghoul army made of half-ghouls, all of them born at a place called the "Sunlit Garden" and all of them came from the Washuu bloodline (like Arima). Rize Kashimiro, the ghoul whose organs were transferred into Kaneki (and turned him into a half ghoul) was one of the Sunlit Garden ghouls who would give birth to the half ghoul children, but with the help of one Furuta Washuu (an unwanted child, not even a half-ghoul) she escaped the Garden. Furuta, in love with Rize, realized she only used him to escape and decided to do more: Furuta joined a group of incredibly dangerous ghouls called the Clowns and they literally caused every incident that has been happening in canon - yes, even Rize's attack on Kaneki and the transfer of her organs into him by Dr. Kanou were orchestrated by the Clowns and Furuta (Kaneki isn't special. He was just there, it could have been anyone else). With the help of the Clowns, Furuta kills every Washuu and takes over the CCG as the last heir, and starts to call himself the new KING. He becomes Kaneki's main enemy, which kaneki will continuously ignore. With Dr. Kanou (who has access to Rize somehow), they start creating ANOTHER army, this one made of children - the Oggai, who underwent similar ghoulification process Kaneki did and have Rize’s organ.

As Kaneki leaves the CCG and becomes King, many ghouls join under his wing. Ghouls he released from Cochlea Ghoul Prison, past enemies, past friends, ghouls who were under Eto's command, and also humans who were under Arima's command. They brought along some people who didn't want to be brought along (such as Akira, a ghoul investigator, and now a traitor) and Dr. Kanou's past ghoulification experiments such as Amon, Takizawa and Kuro. As the word that the One Eyed King has returned spread, more ghouls joined Kaneki's group and this became his army - and this is how the anti-human organization "The Goat" was created. On the other hand, Furuta fed the public, the media, the CCG and everyone, about the evils of Kaneki Ken, the ghoul who betrayed Japan and now a national terrorist, and promised everyone to end the ghoul era once and for all, by exterminating every single ghoul, which quickly causes his popularity to rise fast. Kaneki's children, the Quinx, remained by the CCG side, and while one of them - Mutsuki - grew more and more unstable, the other two - Urie, Saiko - begun to question what the fuck is Furuta doing.

INTERMISSION IS OVER. BACK TO KANEKI.

Kaneki found himself with a title he isn't sure what to do with. He had both Arima's and Eto's reasons in his hand - to break the way this world runs and start a new, to bring hope to the ghouls and give them a place in a world that has always rejected them - and Kaneki claimed he'd continue the previous King's last wishes: create a world where humans and ghouls can understand each other. As someone who is from both worlds and had his human-ghoul duality returned to him, kaneki is certain that they can do it, and both sides need to talk it out. That sounded like a sensible speech, but Kaneki quickly added that of course humans will not listen at first and that's why kaneki decided they'd bring the talk to them by force.

This however, worked quite well on ghouls. Because they have always been repressed and oppressed, they would not believe in peaceful conversations and Kaneki had to bring force to the table as it's the one thing ghouls understand the most. Ghoul violent nature automatically expects violence and they do not believe something like an understanding could be achieved without any force and bloodshed; with this Kaneki was able to step up as the King of Ghouls and was able to make it clear to all ghouls following him that he KNOWS this world he claims to want to help - this shows great intelligence about working with the masses, but in the long run it will not be enough.

While it seems that kaneki wants to help a whole population to rise from the shadows of a world that despises them, actually all of this is much for show. Kaneki is a very simple person, and none of this actually matters to him. The reason why Kaneki remains as King, not only was because of Arima's last dying request, but also because he believes that holding the position of King will work better to keep his people safe, the ones he truly loves and cares for; he is not a hero neither wants world peace, which doesn't fit the definition of a great leader and it's very selfish, but Kaneki still is the boy who lives for the ones who are close to him. It is very selfish in a way that Kaneki only cares for people as long they are close to him. He may sympathize with other, but overall it depends on his own people: he only takes the side of those he can see, and most of them happen to be ghouls which is why he decided to "give it a try at fighting" for ghouls and be the King of Ghouls.

It’s true, Kaneki is actually a pretty terrible King. He makes more mistakes than right decisions, and people close to him do notice that. Kaneki at first believed that having Furuta the power was more convenient but soon we see that he completely underestimated Furuta the moment he released the Oggai, made a show out of killing ghouls and forced the Goat into underground. Another thing was how he forbade ghouls from killing humans, even though ghouls were being killed; this not only left Goat's defenses weaker, but it also left everyone hungry and Kaneki’s way to appease the ghouls was through nice speeches (it worked to calm them down, but it didn’t fix anything). While kaneki can lead a small group, is intelligent enough for it and can make good decisions for that group, he is unable to lead and control a large group of people who highly depend on him; kaneki doesn't know how to be king and he doesn't have the right mindset to lead the Goats as King because he is focused on just his people and not everyone else.

Continuing the line of "Kaneki is kind of messed up", he still has a hard time understanding friendship and love. His motivation to save everyone is so he won't be alone, and tries to take most of the weight of it all by himself. He was so set on deciding things for everyone, deciding to leave them or not let them help in any way because he was the one who had to protect them and do everything for them. It's good to remember that Kaneki was (and still is) someone who will leave people and often does that under the excuse he has to protect others from being hurt, so they have to stay away.

Thankfully the last chapters of the manga show us he is changing. People who support Kaneki have told him to not to take everything on himself and Kaneki agree to it: he has started depending on others, to the point he doesn't feel like he has to control everything. Kaneki, who believed he had to make decisions for them, started to show he is listening to people, he is accepting that they CAN and WILL handle things even when he is not there. Regarding friends, Touka bluntly called Kaneki out on how he puts people into the box of “People I want to protect”, rather than experiencing individual and meaningful connections with each one of them, and at the same time he’s also lonely because he pushes people away since he is afraid of losing them. When she did this, Kaneki moved forward (a bit) and allowed himself to finally accept a more meaningful connection with Touka: THEY BECAME LOVERS.

At the same time, Kaneki is still running away. He claims he is fighting for ghouls because the people he loves happen to be ghouls. But let's not forget the Quinx, friends from the CCG or Kaneki's best friend Nagachika Hideyoshi, are ALL humans. It will come a time when humans are part of the equation as people Kaneki loves, and telling himself that fighting for his friends equals fighting for ghouls will no longer work. Right now, he blinds himself and turns away from this.

While Kaneki is (VERY) slowly changing, some things don't change. Kaneki abhors violence. To write this seems like a really big contradiction, especially after he created a terrorist group and mentioned force to get humans to listen. But Kaneki uses violence as a necessity. As King, he forbade his ghouls from killing humans and it shows him to be quite the hypocrite in many ways: he is okay with ghouls dying but not humans. The theory is that ghouls are very used to violence and work best with it. Kaneki could only make ghouls listen to him when he brought up it would be by force, Naki only joined him after Kaneki defeated him in a fight. "The strongest guy takes it all". But on the other hand, humans don't work like this, their world is different from that, and automatically Kaneki does not react violently to them, and goes to a huge length not to kill them. This is very hypocrite and kind of wrong though.

In truth, even that logic doesn’t really hold up for him subconsciously either. Kaneki is so afraid and disgusted of violence that he quickly spirals down into self-hatred and trauma when he remembers some of the things he did. Kaneki suffers from a bad coping mechanism that makes his actions illogical - he copes with his fear of being violent by only being violent to people who ‘deserve it’. And in this case, ghouls do because they live with violence. In some way, Kaneki still sees ghouls as violent monsters and it's alright to pluck out the bad ones; while choosing to kill or spare is a response to conflict, it doesn't mean his motivations are right. And they are very wrong, considering his position as the King. Kaneki is a mass murder of ghouls, insists on saving humans, and yet he is the King of Ghouls.

It's good to remember that Kaneki is still on a journey to understand himself and others, and has always struggled to find a sense of self and a reason to live. Not so long ago, he was set on killing himself and he only did what was told to do. In fact, that's his coping mechanism and symptom of his need to find a reason to live: he prefers to obey because it gives him a reason. Of course now he is King, and there is no one tell him what to do and he has to do it all by himself. Which is very difficult when you don't have a strong sense of who you are. Kaneki also accepts that he is selfish and his motivations to be King are too, and he isn't even excusing his selfishness and (by extension) his loneliness and insecurities – he accepts it. And that's a good step because before he didn't realize it. He has to learn to see the world (which he claims he doesn't care about because he doesn't see it), has to learn to look at other people as more than just "my people", he has to learn to actually see and connect to those people better, and he has to move forward and stop seeing all of those people through his abandonment issues (that ultimate started when his mother died).This is happening all very slow because kaneki is a very static character unless someone punches him to do it. Kaneki takes small steps forward and while it doesn't look like much, they are extremely important for his growth, but it's still very slow.

But since we mentioned Touka above, let's focus on her, because she had a huge impact on kaneki. The two fell in love before they even realized, but Touka mentions how Sasaki would visit the shop and eyed her with the same eyes Kaneki once looked at Rize; a crush, so to speak. It's no lie Kaneki always had a soft spot for Touka and always actively tried to push her to achieve her own happiness, but the development of their relationship only started when Touka herself gave the first step because Kaneki was too dense to do it otherwise. While their relationship seems a bit rushed and out of the blue, the fact is the two connected at a deep level due to their abandonment and parental issues, and issues with their nature; it's perhaps not the best reason, but it was reason enough for Kaneki to understand and finally accept something that he always thought it was impossible to happen unless he did some huge sacrifice: he is loved. Kaneki never saw that before, even if he was. And this was the first time we’ve seen Kaneki bare himself for anyone. Their relationship is very gentle, they do care greatly for each other. Their first time (we got a whole chapter of them doing the do awyis) was pure emotion and with a lot of vulnerability from both parts, even though they usually avoid showing anything, but bared it all during sex; with so much happiness and the overwhelming sensation of love and care, Kaneki even cried. Vulnerability is a big important thing for both, as they both often refuse to be honest with their feelings. This doesn't solve all the issues, but it's a step to solve the self defeating component of Kaneki’s relationship with others that does not allow him to receive affection because he genuinely cannot conceive that people will want him around in any capacity, so he must work to earn it.

But it's important to know the two still have many issues and Touka uses her feelings to keep Kaneki away from suicidal thoughts, which he has shown her to still have at times. Other bad news is that now his happiness resides in Touka’s hands and he has seen her as the one to protect the most and his ONE reason to live - so much he married her right away and BY THE WAY she is pregnant (kids. Use condoms on your first time). Which, per se, wouldn’t be a bad thing if they weren’t so codependent but both cling to each other so hard as a hope to breathe under all the shit that continuously happens to them; was anything to happen to one of them, they'd just spiral down and all the progress made so far would fall flat (or worse. It'll be worse. It always is). On a positive note, Kaneki also watched Touka make decisions for him and seeing her doing that pushed him to make his own decisions as well. He often runs from them (for example, the issue with the food and the Goat) but watching Touka making serious decisions regarding her pregnancy in order to protect their baby, Kaneki decided to try and become more assertive and made decisions on his own, such as forming an expedition to go find food for the Goat - which is yet another big step for Kaneki.

Personality (Chapter 132 to 179)

Kaneki came from a canon point where he had married pregnant Touka, was king of Ghouls, the CCG (the governmental group that fights the ghoul threat) was ruled by a crazy person called Furuta and meanwhile the others who worked at the CCG started realizing things weren't right. Things with Kaneki's kingdom weren't alright either, since he was starving his people by telling them not to hunt humans. Furuta created an army called the Oggai, 101 children who underwent similar ghoulification process Kaneki did; these Oggai had Rize's organs as well, just like Kaneki does, and keep this in mind because these 101 child coffins are incredibly important to Kaneki's own transformation.

Fueled by his wife's own stubbornness and choices, Kaneki decides to make a choice as well: move his best fighters to go find a source of food for the ghouls Kaneki has been slowly starving. This means leaving behind weaker ghouls (including Touka, since she is pregnant) at the hideout and you bet the second Kaneki and his army step away from the hideout, Furuta attacks with his Oggai. Luckily for everyone (is it really? REALLY??), kaneki comes just in time to save his wife and little sister (Hinami) before they are slaughtered, but in turn Kaneki is the one who gets slaughtered. Absolutely overpowered by the Oggai and Furuta, Kaneki concluded his wife, baby and friends would die if he didn't act.

So Kaneki acted.

And he ate the Oggai. All those 101 children were viciously consumed by Kaneki in a desperate move, and the overload of kagunes from the Oggais' bodies cause Kaneki to suddenly transform himself into a new sayan form: the Dragon. The Dragon is pretty much a huge, uncontrollable and self-sufficient kagune that emerges from Kaneki and rampages through Tokyo, destroying half of it and eating everyone in its way (humans included). However, the dragon is ultimately separate from Kaneki; While the dragon emerged from him, the original host is Rize's lifeless body: she is dead in every sense of the word but thanks to all the Oggai Kaneki consumed (all of whom had parts of Rize within them), Rize's body was rebuilt and it became the host for the Dragon. Kaneki was but the trigger and ultimate Rize became the womb: the dragon produces a toxin that turns humans into ghouls and turns other ghouls into parts of the dragon.

The Dragon was Furuta's plan from the start and with it he hoped to bring a common enemy to ghouls and humans alike, thus uniting them in utter chaos and death. A fitting destiny for a world Furuta thought to be a tragedy (kaneki and Furuta are strangely alike), but it does work: ghouls and humans join together to face this threat. Kaneki remains inside of the Dragon after doing his part, but everyone seems to love Kaneki and decide to go save him (it sounds stupid, but this is to show how much Kaneki is loved, something he always refused to believe it could be possible). After locating him, they manage to pull Kaneki out of the Dragon and they find out getting Kaneki out was not only very sappy but also a smart thing to do: because Kaneki has a part of Rize inside himself, he is immune to the toxin. And thus he can go back to the dragon, find the host (Rize) and cut her off from the kagune, so the toxin won't be produced anymore.

And that's exactly what he does, like a good shounen hero. As he "kills" Rize again, the dragon starts falling apart.

AND WE ARE STOPPING HERE, and we can now go into Kaneki's actual growth.

Honestly, Kaneki is a good person. That's something we can say for sure. He is a good person and wants to be a good person and tries his best to be a good person. However, like tragedy that befalls him at every turn, kaneki does a lot of wrong things. Things we would look at and say "I'd do better", things one can easily say "I'd never do that", things we can, as the audience, judge easily. But with honesty, would we be so different from him? That’s the struggle Kaneki goes through the most, maybe things would’ve been different, but maybe they would’ve been worse. Ultimately you need to keep going. Pushing forward is an important theme. But sadly one Kaneki hadn't embraced yet; by focusing so hard on the "what ifs", kaneki focused on his non-humanity, on his mistakes, and acted focused solely on them.

And this resulted in him seeing the world as a tragedy. Kaneki focused so much on his losses, he couldn't see the people he still had. He focused so much on the sadness he felt, that he couldn't enjoy the happiness that was all around him. He felt that the world was so wrong, that all the right things he had were but a lie. However, there is a shift from this mentality when finally Touka gave the first big step, and then a full shift when Kaneki surfaces from the Dragon.

Touka's love was one of the big steps for Kaneki to go through things. She became easily his reason; Kaneki is someone who has been starved for affection since he was very young; he always yearned a place to belong, which he thought he'd never be able to have due to being a half-ghoul. In truth, this is Kaneki's main struggle: he didn't have a balance between his ghoul nature and his human nature. And this struggle is seen the way he treats ghouls as well: by continuously telling them they couldn't hunt humans, he threw them into starvation and would rather have them starve and grow weaker by the day; ghouls dying is still not as bad as humans dying. But with Touka, things started shifting. He felt truly accepted and truly wanted for the first time, by anyone ever (these are not rational thoughts, and not true – but this was what Ken believed). Ken’s primary flaws and struggles have all stemmed from his mother’s inability to put him first, and yet Touka makes the very choice that he always wished that his mother had made. He is finally truly loved and the first within someone's heart.

When he was saved from the Dragon, despite everything he did, despite destroying half of Tokyo on the way, people still came for him. People he loved and thought he didn't deserve; people kaneki truly believed if he didn't push away, they'd see the wrong things he does, and yet when he did something SO BAD, they still came for him. He realized he was loved. Kaneki himself has a lot of questions as to why people even love him and honestly this is a good question to ask. There is a lot about Kaneki that simply comes from him trying to please people; Kaneki is a people pleaser and acts certain way to make others love him, and so others love him for that. But there are still people who will love him even when his masks fall and who will come for him even after that acting has vanished and that's what truly touched him.

Even without masks, some still love him.

The Dragon also helped Kaneki to learn he wasn't really the epicenter of everything; Rize was Furuta's plan all along, Kaneki was just there and thus he was never really a target. It shows that his tragedy was never the important part. Kaneki was selfish in the way that he saw mostly what he wanted to see; by falling into the victim role (naturally, many times he WAS indeed the victim, but not everything that happened to kaneki was due to that. A lot of it came from his own tragic understanding of himself), Kaneki often played the innocent. Kaneki cannot be a victim in all circumstances in life, his choices have to exist somewhere. Especially when Kaneki makes himself the center of a revolution, and the strongest ghoul among ghouls. Many times things were laid out plain and simple in front of Kaneki, and yet he continued to be blind towards them simply because they were not about him. The political state of the CCG, Furuta's plan (which he ignored until the very last), or even the Oggai, these were things Kaneki could have seen if he saw beyond himself. With the dragon, he realizes he was blinded all the time, and he is not a revolutionist and not the strongest, he is just some random guy who was there; even when it comes to Rize, kaneki saw that to her he is just really some guy and most likely she wouldn't even remember him if she was alive.

Owning up to his own state is a good step to finally realize his own selfishness, which is inherently related to how he saw the world as well.

For a very long time, Kaneki kept the mindset that his life was a tragedy and he was the main character. He'd move from a tragedy to another, he'd submit himself to one tragedy to avoid another, and ironically making him more alone in the process. He'd use "the world is wrong" to justify his own personal suffering. But with everything happening around him during and after the dragon, Kaneki comes to realize that the world is what we make of it. There is nothing inherently tragic about it; we are all the main characters of our own novels, and we write them based on everything around us. The world does not have a moral quality to it, it's not wrong or right.

The world just is.

And that means the world is a blank canvas and if you do right, you do right, and if you do wrong, you do wrong - and you simply move from that. Kaneki finally realized there is no invincible godly power holding him down, only people, circumstances and conceptions that can all be challenged and all be changed. And although we have death, we have life too.

It's good to remember the Dragon was also a kick to Kaneki's own hypocrisy, his own mistakes he continued to hide from and to almost deny. Kaneki knows he did a lot of wrong things and he know many of his actions are absolutely disgusting, which is why he had so much self-hatred (still has, that doesn't just vanish). But he always found ways to justify himself, or he'd spiral down. Not just the fact that the world was wrong, but he didn't fully consider ghouls people, he answered a lot with violence, he killed SO MANY; but he'd come up with pretty unhealthy coping mechanisms to get through it. It's important to press it's not Kaneki's fault for coming up with a poor coping-mechanism, but it is ultimately his fault for choosing to see the world the way he did. However, the murder of the Oggai as well as the many people in Tokyo certainly gave him a push to see things how they are. Not just them, but everyone else Kaneki killed before. He also realized he had really bad coping-mechanisms to deal with everything he has done.

He set up seemingly hypocritical boundaries like “killing ghouls fine, killing humans no, but I’m the ghoul king” because it was literally the only way he could live with himself. His loved ones did not help with this either because they constantly turned a blind eye to this; they knew Kaneki absolutely loathes himself and in hopes not to break him further, they did not bring up these strange contradictions and the bad things he did. After the Dragon, it was impossible to hide that and Kaneki finally accepted to see what HE did, did not come up with a strange hypocritical boundary to try to justify it, neither did his loved ones turn a blind eye because it was right there in front of everyone.

Do not deny your mistakes and your actions. And don't pretend they aren't there just because you love someone. See them for what they are. But realize that those actions sometimes come from unwinnable situations; Kaneki turned into the dragon because he ate the Oggai, yes, but if he hadn't done it he'd end up losing everyone dear to him (and he'd die too. And let's remember that Kaneki finally stopped feeling suicidal. He no longer wants to die). It's an impossible situation where he'd lose regardless. And what he did was terrible and it's his fault, and everyone sees that and doesn't deny that. And now, it's something he will have to move on from, taking into consideration the situation was impossible and he made an impossible choice. But it was still his choice.

The killing of the Oggai was honestly a pretty difficult thing to think of and it's easy to see why it was such a tipping point. Kaneki, a soon to be father and a person who has so many times adopted children under his wing, stand up and murders 101 children who were being used by a madman, and had no fault in what was truly happening. Kaneki understands the nature of act he’s committed, and while arguing killing children is absolutely vile, the Oggai would have killed Kaneki's baby and also all the children from Kaneki's kingdom if they hadn't been eaten. Furuta accused him of never learning; of always choosing himself. He’s always put his own moral righteousness above actual life. He’s never killed humans, never choose one life over another, and never made an honest decision that forced him to take responsibility for his actions. And for all of that, he has done nothing but suffer.

And so he finally does make a choice: kill, and put an end to the senseless murders the Oggai might commit in the future. Kill, and save those innocent children and the people he loves. Kill, and take control of the the life he’s been handed. Kill, even at the expense of others. In life, in the world, you steal and you are stolen from. And then you face head on the consequences of your actions. And so Kaneki did.

And no more excuses, no more trying to come up with a crappy coping-mechanism that won't make sense. Kaneki is a murderer, Kaneki killed 101 children. Kaneki saved his own life and is still alive. Kaneki saved his loved ones and all the ghouls in his kingdom. Kaneki was manipulated by a madman who saw destruction as unity. Kaneki caused the dragon to emerge and destroyed half of Tokyo, killing hundreds more in the process. Kaneki went back to the dragon and once again killed, this time Rize. Face all of that.

And so he will.

And as he faces it, he moves forward, finally glad to be alive.

#☠ Ken Kaneki (OEK)

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maijobi · 4 years ago

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greatest memory

Gojo satoru x reader

summary: you tried to stay strong in your last moments with Gojo and asked him to carry on your work. (if you know the kaneki and hide scene at anteiku I'm sorry, if you don’t I'm also sorry.)

warnings: blood, SAD ENDING

a/n: there is actually no real storyline in this. you can imagine literally anything (if that makes any sense lmao). so basically it’s just a scenario of a very random situation. also I wrote this when I was sleep deprived so please look over the mistakes I made in here :T

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you saw him standing there, his back facing you. it gave you strength. you pushed yourself over your limits to hold him a least one more time and to talk to him before it was too late. you dragged yourself closer to him. there was darkness in the room, only lit with some moonlight, blocking you from seeing him completely. but his white hair was so noticeable that you couldn’t really look past him.

“yow, satoru”, you said loud enough for him to hear, but silent enough so that only he could hear.

he spun around quickly and looked at you with sad eyes, or at least it looked like that. you couldn’t tell because he stood in the shadows, only half of his face showing. you saw that he had taken off his blindfolds and was trying to not look as weak as he actually felt. but you could look through his facade, not being manipulated by his mask. because after all, you were the only one that knew everything about him.

“it’s alright, it’s basically over. the bad guys have been taken down. my team has victory”, you said in a chuckle. the situation wasn’t funny, he didn’t laugh. but neither did you blame him for not joining in in your chuckle.

you had never thought that gojo would actually join the the bad guys, and you would have never thought that he would fight allong with the enemies. but oh were you wrong. but for you? he would do anything to you. that’s exactly why he did what he did. to protect you.

“i’m sorry”, was all he said while looking down at his bloody hands. “I’m so sorry”, he repeated in a whisper.

you took another step forward, but your legs felt weak so you didn’t go any closer. “satoru, look at at me”, you whispered and when he didn't respond you repeated yourself. “look at me.”

he raised his head slowly and looked at you. you had a weak smile on your face and the moonlight shone on half of your face. he felt warmth build up inside of hi, for you were home to him. he took a step closer to you, but hesitation took over him so, just like you, he stopped after one step.

“we all know why you did what you did and we forgive you. you did it to protect us. we know it was a hard decision. but you are free now. you don’t have to hide anymore”, you said, trying your best to stabilize yourself.

“I had only one wish and that was to protect you, I have failed multiple times while being invested in earning the trust of the enemy. I failed you”, he said not looking at you. “I failed everyone.”

you pulled yourself together and tried your best to walk to him. he was still unable to tell your condition so you did your best to hide it even more. you placed your hands on his shoulders and closely touched his face, pulling it up so he was looking at you directly.

your legs gave in and you fell, but right before you could hit the ground Gojo had his arms resting under your elbows to keep you up. “are you okay?”, he asked worriedly.

you coughed once, tasting the iron taste in your mouth. “I might have gotten myself hurt out there.”

you saw his eyes water. he pulled the both of you down and just like in the movies he held you tightly against his chest. “help will arrive, I promise. just please don’t give up yet.” he noticed the wound on your stomach, blood basically pouring from there. without a second thought he took off his jacket and pushed it on your wound in an attempt to stop the bleeding. but perhaps it was already too late.

you reached for his face and wiped the tears away. “it’s okay”, you whispered.

“no. no. no”, he said as he tried to slightly shake you awake.

you felt the energy leave your body slightly and the blood loss around your stomach wasn’t helping much. you smiled at him. “it’s okay, satoru. I've done my part, just promise me one thing will you?”

tears were streaming down his face and his eyebrows were furrowed. you saw that he was doing his best to keep himself calm, but it was pointless. you could tell, but you wanted him to carry on living his life to the fullest. the way he held eye contact with you showed you that he wanted you to carry on with your words.

“take good care of yuuji, if he dies my work will be in vain. I want you to carry on my hard work. I know you’re capable of that and I know you’re the only person I can trust with this”, you said, barely able to catch your breath.

he nodded, his tears falling on your cheeks as he felt your breathing destabilize. he squeezed you and you made an attempt at squeezing him back, your body giving in on your low energy. he pulled you up for a hug, his tears dripping all over your neck and cheek as he rocked the both of you back and forth.

“I’m gonna miss you.”

“i’m gonna miss you too. take care, okay. of everyone and especially yourself”, you said as you felt your eyes getting heavier. your breath hitched and with a last gasp your body stilled completely. Gojo held you, scared that if he loosened his grip even slightly he would lose you forever, when in fact he already did.

he broke down. tears streaming down his face and whimpers leaving his throat as he thought about all the things that could have gone differently.

everything he did was to protect you, but the one thing he had to do was all in vain. he failed to protect you. right now he had only one goal. and that was to carry on your will.

to protect yuuji. for your sake.

because that was his memory of you. that you were a wonderful person. and he’d do everything in his power to make sure everyone knew about you. you and your hard work would be recognized. because gojo had no intentions of letting anyone forget who you were. because you were his greatest memory.

#gojo satoru #gojo x reader #gojo x y/n #jujutsu kaisen gojo #gojo hcs #gojo #gojo x you #gojo angst #jjk gojo

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2-cute-4-school · 4 years ago

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NCT Dream reaction : another member scares you

Tw : near drowning scare, lots of bugs??

Mark Lee

donghyuck loves teasing mark

you’re mark’s s/o

results : donghyuck loves bullying you

congrats you get a free pass to cry with me cuz donghyuck is ruthless

but you learnt to live with it so it’s okay most of the time

until his friendly teasing involved a quite deep pool and your unprepared form being swung violently into it

so when you submerged underwater and didn’t come back up, mark forgot everything else and dove head first into the pool

his spiderman senses kicked in thank god

donghyuck saw his life flash before his eyes ⊙△⊙

when mark dragged you to the surface and hoisted you out of the water with donghyuck’s help, you took your sweet time before coughing violently

you gotta suck the life out of that dramatic effect ya know

mark coddled you the entire day, embracing your trembling form and keeping hyuck away despite his attempts to apologize to you :<

this man would spend an entire lifetime just taking care of you and smothering you with no complaints i swear cause you became like the centre of the universe for him ಥ_ಥ

writing music? thinks of you ; eating watermelon? y/n would like it ; showering? we could have some fun

but once he tucked you safely into bed and made sure you comfortably fell asleep after a scare that shortened both your lives by 10 years

WWIII commenced （ノ♯｀△´）ノ~’┻━┻

markhyuck summer fight pt.2

Huang Renjun

there’s ONE(1) thing you and renjun totally agree on

scary movies can suck your di- └( ͡° ︿ °͡ )┘

but the other devil spawns ( read dreamies ) decided you deserve suffering their enjoyment blame them

so you’re settled on the couch between china line with renjun trying to keep his macho man facade give up jun we know you’re babie (♥ω♥*)

but still feeling you tremble like a leaf beside him melted his lil heart :((((

so he kept a hand on your knee the entire time, rubbing random patterns on your leg in an attempt to soothe your nerves

the atmosphere became so tense, any hint of conversation dying once everyone was immersed in the movies, an eerie silence enveloping you

but when dear angel chenle decided to shriek in your ears and dig his fingers in you sides let me tell you gals

you jumped out of your skin

and spoiler alert : didn’t land back on the couch

cue dolphin noises

but when you looked up at renjun, a deep pout settled on your lips and glassy puppy eyes ( つ᷄.̯σ̣̥᷅ ) he saw red before his eyes

“YAH ZHONG CHENLE YOU WANTED SCARY MOVIES?!? I’LL GIVE YOU A SCARE ENOUGH FOR YOUR ENTIRE LIFE, YOU RASCAL !!!1!1!!”

no one dares to scare/hurt his baby and escapes unharmed no exceptions sorry

after he taught chenle the lesson of his life, it’s cuddle time!!! (۶* ‘ꆚ’)۶”

he spoons you protectively and smothers you in a TON of kithes until he’s content with hearing your giggles :>

Lee Jeno

you made it your personal mission to find a way to eradicate all bugs

no cap

and jeno just nodded along to your endless rambling about your strong dislike towards them

let’s be honest here, he was internally gushing at your cuteness like your biggest supporter (　◠ ◡ ◠　)

so when renjun dangerously nears you without a common garden bug he found during your picnic with the dreamies in between his fingers and sticks it in your face with the hugest shit eating grin (ര̀ᴗര́)و ̑̑

you let out the loudest screech and scramble to throw yourself in jeno’s arm who acted like your comfort blanket by now i’m so soft for jeno can you tell????

and he just 「(°ヘ°)

‘my baby?? scared?? the nerve of some people?? gotta!!!show!!them!!no one!!!NO ONE!!!messes with my baby!!!’ (｀Д´)

so he just pats you head lovingly and rubs your back until you calm down enough to let go of him

and then he leaves the cutest *smooch* on your forehead and gets up

he walks calmly towards renjun who was pretending to occupy himself with smoothing down a blanket and just...cracks his knuckles kaneki style

jeno just grabs the biggest bug he was able to find and grips the hem of renjun’s sweats harshly

wanna know what this gangsta beach does?? he frickin throws the bug down poor renjun’s pants

and then just leaves his unfortunate victim thrashing and shrieking for his life and retreats back in your arms like the terrifying baby he is

don’t mistake his softness for you as weakness!!1! he becomes ruthless when it comes to you :<

Lee Donghyuck

he’s already ruthless enough

so please PLEASE for the love of God don’t give him a reason to become even more of a devil spawn

but poor jisung didn’t get the gist bless his pure soul 🐣

you weren’t even that scared when you opened your phone to an remarkably ugly image of a cockroach (basically the same prank that was done to fetus jisung some time ago)

but you still let out a shriek loud enough to alert haechan

and while haechan seemed silent while he smothered you, his mind was going highwire which is NEVER good (￣ェ￣;)

*time skip to the next day*

3 times

3 TIMES DID JISUNG SEE HIS LIFE FLASH BEFORE HIS EYES IN A SINGLE DAMNED DAY and he’s never been the same since

so when he barges in the living room where sweet innocent hyuck is seated on the couch with you cradled in his lap while feeding both you and himself and watching netflix

jisung has a fit it was damn time baby chick

“you put cockroaches in the shower, in my cup AND on my pillow, do you want me to die young??!!?”

“they’re fake tho”

“I DIDN’T KNOW THAT WHEN I ALMOST HAD A HEART ATTACK” ⊙﹏☉

eventually jisung retreated to put some shoes on and leave the dorm for a breath of fresh air after the near-death experience he encountered

“i feel bad for him” you took pity on the kid alright

“don’t worry your pretty head”

and he just kithes the heck out of you and automatically deleted all your worries once immersed in his sweet lips who could resist him tho

until another scream echoes

“IN MY SHOES TOO?!? YOU KNOW WHAT, I MIGHT JUST MOVE OUT”

Na Jaemin

we all know jaemin enjoys photography

and you’d be a fool to believe his camera roll is not ABSOLUTELY FULL of pictures of you both candid and not

he always insisted he takes photos of things he loves or are beautiful and you’re both and even more ✿♥‿♥✿

that’s how some of your hangouts turn into mini photoshoots whenever jaemin was in the mood

and that’s how you found yourself modeling for jaemin while the other dreamies were lunging around

“i’m frying over here, can you hurry up?”

“not my fault my baby is the prettiest unlike you gremlins, hyuck”

“what’d you say?!!?!?!!” lowkey ready to swing

jaemin doesn’t spare him a second glance, he can only focus on you :>

“hey honey can you climb on that ledge for me?”

he helps you like the gentleman he is to climb the stone ledge, one hand clutching yours and the other gripping your waist softly (๑°꒵°๑)･*♡

so you’re posing, focusing on the camera when you feel a hand tightly clasp over your ankle

and jeez do you scream so loud hyuck was left fried, insulted and deaf

and you can’t even step away from the ledge before jaemin envelops you in his arms and clutches you tightly to his chest

“aigoo aigoo~ my baby it’s okay, nana is here” in the softest voice possible (๑´ω`๑)

he smooths down your hair, petting it affectionately and as he leans down to smooch your forehead he meets eyes with a sheepish jeno who peeks over from behind the ledge

and jaemin just stares him down with that disappointed mom look

and jeno just knows he won’t be getting any dinner tonight

but jaemin’s head is full of you you you did i mention you? so he can only coo at you and smother your entire face in little kithes :<

“you’re the absolute cutest and all mine, my cute baby” *bursting uwus* *fake gagging noises in the background from hyuck*

“so candidate no. 2 without dinner tonight huh?” hyuck: “wait no pls”

Zhong Chenle

power napping is your favorite kind of date with chenle

just curling up against each other wherever you two could fit and spooning or just cuddling or even just holding hands if the weather was too hot

okay but just imagine chenle holding someone’s hand while he sleeps i’m ded just imagining it x.x

so it’s already understood that you’re a sleep lover who isn’t tho

and while you fell asleep, chenle still had to wash the dishes after a meal with the dreamies

jaemin being the affectionate person he is cooed over your cuteness and couldn’t help himself from throwing himself beside you on the bed and jumping on it while screaming your name (basically the same thing he did to chenle :)))) )

but unfortunately you were a quite light sleeper and easily startled when woken up suddenly and not so gently ( ͠° ͟ʖ °͠ )

so you let out a chocked noise that immediately alerted chenle who returned to see you staring at jaemin like a deer caught in headlights

“ah hyung why would you do that? you scared them like that”

chenle whined as he pushed jaemin away who retreated with slumped shoulders and a pout don’t worry jaems we love you

and chenle just slips under the blanket and brings you closer to lay down together and soothes you ༶ඬ༝ඬ༶

and he just embraces you, tangling your legs together and hiding your face in the crook of his neck while he runs his fingers through your hair comfortingly chenle would make the best cuddle buddy no take-backs

“shh it’s alright, just go back to sleep, i’ll stay with you” (ღ˘⌣˘ღ)

with chenle’s assurance and tight grip on your body to bring you as close as humanly possible, you fall back asleep as chenle stares fondly at you

and that’s how chenle escaped washing dishes *ha suck it losers*

Park Jisung

jisung blames mark

mark is his oldest hyung and the supposedly most responsible debatable among them

so how could his leader scare you to tears and then dump your shaking figure for him, the baby, to take care of (ノ-_-)ノ ~┻━┻

jisung could only stare at you as he hovered above your curled up form

“y-y/n, come on, there’s nothing to cry about, hyung didn’t mean it”

*mark facepalms* *sm building facepalms* *the white house facepalms*

mark just motions aggressively to jisung to rub your back

and jisung pales as if mark suggested going to a haunted house *sigh* jisung you absolute clueless baby

he SUPER HESITATINGLY pats your back awkwardly, but you only curl up into yourself even more

mark pushes jisung to sit down beside you and prompts him to comfort you properly and jisung gulps

“sooo, how are you feeling?”

*well done jisung take a guess you sharp tool* (－‸ლ)

mark is just boiling with worry you might just dump jisung after his worryingly poor attempt when your small voice cuts through

“can you please hug me, sung?” (●´^｀●)

jisung.exe has shut down please retry in a moment

“s-sure, yeah, just-”

but you just slot yourself in his lap and bury your face in his shoulder

jisung.exe is overwhelmed by your cuteness pls spare him

but he eventually wraps his arms around you too and just rubs up and down, occasionally massaging the nape of your neck gently

“this is actually nice, can we stay like this please?” (⺣◡⺣)♡*

you just tighten your grip on him in response

and jisung rests his head on top of your head to hide his reddening face away but also to hold you even closer because despite his shy demeanor he cherishes you so so much so please have patience with this baby

mark just shakes his head from the doorway with a fond smile knowing that you’re just right for each other (︶ω︶)

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hamliet · 5 years ago

Note

How would you have fixed Tokyo Ghoul (Re)'s ending?

I started answering this with a lot of trepidation and ended answering it extremely enthusiastically. I had a ton of fun writing this. Thank you.

I would have extended the manga by a few more volumes, and started from chapter 147, which is where I felt things went really off the rails.

I would have had the basic structure stay the same for a bit, but with a few changes. Kanou would not have committed suicide. Touka’s conversation with Shuu and Nishiki, as well as her conversation with Hide, Akira, and Amon, would have been painful, in which Touka expressed to Akira that she was struggling with her earlier words about how even if her father/someone she loves did something wrong, she would still tell them they were wrong. Akira and Touka bond for real, and Akira is able to help Touka declare, boldly, that Kaneki is worth saving (which Touka believes, but she is scared). Hinami listens, but doesn’t join in on the conversation.

Hide leads Akira and Amon to the CCG, along with Hirako and Yusa. Amon reveals that he is part ghoul, endangering himself, and Akira tells them that if they don’t work with ghouls, they have no chance. Most of the CCG refuses. Saiko, on the other hand, joins Akira, Amon, and Hide as they break away. Hsiao goes with her. Urie is alone and feels lost.

Saiko, Hsiao, Akira, Amon, Hide et al meet with the ghouls and agree to use the chaos to help search for Kaneki’s body (probably also found via the ring). Touka wants to go, but because she is pregnant, she chooses not to, telling Ayato, Hinami, and Shuu to bring Kaneki back to her. Touka is then left to take care of the kids from underground.

Since Touka is vulnerable, Mutsuki would appear then to challenge Touka. They fight, and Urie, who has been dealing with the desertion of Saiko and Hsiao, finally goes to find the ghouls. Higemaru joins him. They stumble upon the Mutsutou fight and have a similar confrontation to canon–except it ends with Touka being told to leave by Urie, but returning to tell Mutsuki she understands being abandoned, but hurting others isn’t going to help. Urie comforts Mutsuki in the same way Mucchan once comforted him. Ends with a Mutsurie hug with Mama Touka.

Kanou shows up, having found where Goat is hiding from tailing Kurona, who came back not knowing where else to go. He overhears that Touka is pregnant and gets greedy. Kimi appears and stops Kanou, giving everyone enough time to escape. She takes the ghouls to the CCG with Mutsuki, Aura, and Urie’s help; Yoriko decides to be brave and refuses to allow anyone to hurt them, which means both Mutsuki and Touka. Takeomi would, of course, protect his wife.

Meanwhile, Ayato, Nishiki, Shuu, et al are searching for Kaneki. Shuu gets increasingly distraught at the destruction Kaneki has wreaked and remembers Karren. Amon is the one who digs Kaneki up, but with help from Takizawa, who returns the cross, and Hakatori. They bring Kaneki to the CCG as well. Nishiki and Kimi reunite.

At the CCG, Hsiao has had Enough and she tells everyone at the CCG the truth of what happens in the Sunlit Garden. Aura, who went along with Mutsuki but is still nursing a grudge against ghouls, is particularly challenged by this, and Ui is angry and upset. Touka is terrified for Kaneki, and she and Hide talk, as do she and Yoriko in which she worries that Yoriko will blame her, but Yoriko doesn’t. Kaneki has the Torii Gate scene and wakes up, much like canon, and speaks to Hide, who is quiet and unwilling to be forthcoming. Kaneki goes for a walk with the Quinx and finds that people are turning into ghouls, again like canon. Saiko has a similar reaction to canon.

The kids from underground are the ones who work out a plan to get to dragon!Rize with Kaneki, as he is immune like in canon. Meanwhile, everyone unites to fight V, who appear with Eto-Owl like in canon. Yusa is told to stay behind by Hirako because he’s a kid, and he and Touka stay with an ailing Saiko.

While fighting, Ui encounters a resurrected Hairu, Tsukiyama a resurrected Karren, Arima for Akira, etc. The Quinx encounter revived Shirazu, and it’s traumatic for everyone. Shuu’s father is killed by zombie Karren. Kaneki and Ayato penetrate deeper into the underground with the kids. They’re attacked by clones, and Kaneki protects the underground kids, thereby partially earning his redemption. Meanwhile, Yoriko begins to turn into a ghoul.

V reveals again that they’ve been eating the corpses of investigators. Akira is using Fueguchi as her quinque and regrets it when she sees Hinami’s face, and they both realize that this is what V wants: to destroy their tenuous alliance. Akira hesitates using Fueguchi, and Takizawa saves her from the attack she left herself vulnerable to. Kurona appears, telling Takizawa they have to stop Kanou, who shows up with a barely-alive Hajime. Amon is horrified by what’s happened to Hajime and angry at Kaneki, before remembering that he has been willing to do similar things to Hinami. Donato and the clowns appear, and Amon fights Donato in a rage, until he remembers what Akira said earlier about good and bad being a part of parents, and Touka’s words about loving someone yet hating their actions. He tells Donato he loved him. Donato saves Amon from a V agent even though it costs him his own life.

Yomo and Uta fight much like in canon, with the same metaphorical imagery, and Yomo and Uta end it by coming to a genuine understanding and empathy even if they don’t see eye to eye. Kurona, Hakatori, and Takizawa fight Kanou while Amon takes Hajime to safety with Kimi, who redeems herself by helping saving Hajime, and Nishiki helps her. Akira saves Takizawa. Juuzou, terrified by whatever Kanou might have done to Shinohara, stops Kanou in the end, saving Kurona… only to begin to turn into a ghoul himself. His squad stay with him.

Kaneki finds Furuta. Ayato falls behind again like in canon. Kaneki and Furuta fight. Kaneki says something along the lines of how his life isn’t stylish, how he’s done terrible things and even has the blood of children on him, but he has a child on the way, a child with his blood too, and that he is alive, and he is not going to waste this life no matter how long or short it might be. Furuta reveals again that he wants everything, imagining a good life with Rize. He is defeated, but not killed, and asks if he, who has done so much evil and is dying anyways, has anything good to offer the world. Kaneki thinks of Touka and tells Furuta if he has someone he loves, he does. They then proceed to the Sunlit Garden.

Touka is terrified for Yoriko and works with Takeomi and Hide to venture into the lab for some kind of cure… where she finds Arata and Yoshimura. Distraught by her two father figures and hearing reports of Eto attacking people out there, she vows to do better for her child, and she and Hide free both Arata and Yoshimura… who recognize them and, without life support, don’t have long to live. Yoshimura leaves with Hide; Arata and Touka have a difficult conversation.

Rize is located in the Sunlit Garden. Kaneki and Rize fight, with the easy answer being killing everyone in the Sunlit Garden–including Rize, but also the children. He refuses. Shirazu and Urie have a particularly brutal fight, in which Urie’s insecurity issues come out and he starts to go kakuja again. Mutsuki kicks his ass and Urie tells Mutsuki that he loves him, and Mutsuki tells Urie he doesn’t need to earn his care, and realizes that all of what Urie has said is because he loves him but sucks at expressing it. They kiss. Meanwhile, Ayato’s fight is not going well, but just when it looks like all is lost, someone else saves him: Arata! Led there by Hinami, who found him with Touka and went to save him. Ayato and Hinami kiss.

Seeing Kaneki fighting to help save the kids angers Furuta, who shouts at him about hurting the Oggai, remembers his own sins towards children and those against him as a child, and in the end, he gives the last bit he has to give Rize back her consciousness, to heal her (yes she eats part of him). She remembers who she is while he is still alive, and he tells her she has to live, and he makes Kaneki promise to let her live. He dies thinking that, in those moments at least, he lived, and that perhaps if he had been able to think better, he could have lived all along. Kaneki realizes that it doesn’t matter if you have someone you love: either way, your life is valuable. Scarred lives are beautiful, too, and he thinks of Hide.

Rize getting her consciousness back wakes up all the other puppets of Kanou’s. Yoshimura ventures to the battlefield, led by Hide, and finds Eto, whom Hide had been working for. Yoshimura helps Eto turn on and kill Kaiko before they both die, at peace with one another. Ui assures Hairu that she is loved, kissing her before she dies in his arms. Karren recognizes Shuu and tells him she’s sorry for what happened to his father, but Shuu is the one who apologizes to her. Arima sees Hirako again and apologizes to him and to Ui. Shirazu is able to say a proper goodbye to Mutsuki and Urie, and asks for them to say goodbye to Saiko and Haru. The resurrected die.

Kaneki gives Rize his shirt to cover her, and they lead the children of the Sunlit Garden out into the light, encountering Ayato and Hinami and leading them (as children) out of the dark too.

Epilogue: Shikorae is tracked down post-battle, as is canon, but while he thinks of himself as an eldritch horror abomination, Kimi and the rest are able to help him, so that he is able to return to being Rio. Akira gives Hinami Fueguchi to bury.

Touka gives birth to Ichika, Shinohara wakes up and accepts Juuzou even as a ghoul, the large mass of humanity who are now ghouls provoke change so that the gov’t and CCG are actively working on treatment plans with Kimi leading them. Yoriko is accepted as a ghoul as well.

Edits for clarity: Urie tells Mutsuki he loves him at their first fight; Mutsuki decides to love Urie in the fight with Shirazu. Touka accepting Yoriko as a ghoul and that it’s not something for her to feel terribly about is part of Touka accepting herself as a ghoul.

Other edits: Oh, and Furuta? Maybe leave it ambiguous as to whether he died or asked Kaneki to let him escape.

#ask hamliet #tg #tgre #tokyo ghoul #Anonymous

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lilacflamesss · 6 years ago

Text

Shattered (Chapter 11)

Smutty Ayahina College AU

Summary: Hinami tries to deal with her sorrows through seeking Ayato out. Ayato can never turn away the girl he loves far more than he should. Two people with unrequited feelings, dealing with them in very different ways. Human AU. (13.4k words)

Warning: This fic contains unhealthy coping mechanisms, heavy sexual content, and plenty of problematic/ dubious things which I absolutely do not condone at all. This is a work of fiction that takes on a more mature, physical take on Ayahina’s relationship as opposed to the typical conventional one. Please feel free not to read this fic if it’s not your cup of tea! Additional trigger warning for stillbirth since this is an add-on to the previous chapters and infidelity.

A/N: I’m really sleepy so I’m not going to say much. I hope you guys enjoy this chapter! Please do reblog this and feel free to leave some comments!

Preview

Ayato doesn’t deserve a sheep like her. The accident must be the Gods’ reminder to her. Never again should she have the cheek to think that they’re meant to be. Never again should she try to fool him with her half-assed feelings.

She lies in bed, curling up to herself and for the first time since the start of the day, she cries. Her eyes have teared up a lot in the past few hours, but right now, she’s a mess of tears and screams. She buries her face in her pillow and shouts. She yells out her frustrations, her hatred, her anger, her despair and her fear. Everything comes out— curses, apologies, pleas, prayers. She wants all this to end right now. She’s so exhausted. She never thought things would get this bad and she still doesn’t know how bad Ayato’s condition is. For all she knows, he might not even be around tomorrow. He might not even be alive now; maybe Kaneki called to say that he died. The thought makes her scream even more. Her chest hurts. It feels like there is an invisible claw grabbing her, digging its long fingernails right into her heart.

She hopes he’s okay. She wants nothing more than him being well and alive right now. She doesn’t even want to think about him gone, but she knows that no matter what, he is gone to her. She shouldn’t go back to him anymore— or even to Kaneki and Touka since they might just lead her back to him. She needs to go back to the time before she and Ayato became friends, back to her first two years of high school, when even though she saw him in class every day, she never talked to him and he never really meant anything to her except for being that random soccer guy who everyone is really into for some reason.

She hears a knock on the door but pays no mind to it. She doesn’t want to talk to anyone right now. She knows that some people might genuinely worry about her. Everyone knows that she and Ayato are close. Her friends must be worried about her. But she really doesn’t have the mental capacity to deal with anyone right now.

There’s a part of her that’s also worried. These people might be carrying bad news. Maybe they’re trying to tell her about something. Maybe they’re here to call her to his deathbed— he might go anytime, so you don’t want to miss this, do you Hinami? But she doesn’t want to know about such news. Maybe oblivion is better. Even if he’s dying right now, she can pretend he’s still healthy and well— it doesn’t hurt as much.

Before she fell asleep, it felt like she was going to end up spending the whole of that night waiting-- first, it was Kaneki and now, it is Ayato. Touka’s not even sure if Ayato is planning on returning or if he is going back to his own apartment. Since it’s raining, she assumes it would be the latter but lately, it’s hard to predict what Ayato is thinking. She doesn’t want him to be trapped outside in the heavy rain if he happens to come back so she had decided to keep waiting in the living room. Yet, even after hours, he still isn’t back yet.

Her eyelids are drooping even as she tries to focus on whatever there is on the television. She doesn’t even know what she’s watching. One moment, it’s a movie and in the next, she realises it’s a nature documentary. She dozes off occasionally but finds herself jumping awake whenever she hears anything loud and sudden. Eventually, she starts wondering if she should just give up. She turns off the television and picks up her phone. She had already dropped Ayato a few messages but it seems like he hasn’t read any of them yet. A part of her wonders if he and Hinami are together right now and if they might be doing something yet again.

Touka sighs, slumping down on the couch. She wants to believe that they’re okay but she knows that they are far from that. Ayato might pretend everything is okay when he’s with her but she knows her brother better than he thinks she does. She’s sure that he spends most of his free time moping in his room rather than do anything productive. She doesn’t blame him; it’s not easy getting over someone you really love, especially if it’s been for a really long time. She’s not sure how Hinami’s taking all this either. She had looked pretty bothered when Touka had asked him to go along with her just now. She didn’t want to make Hinami needlessly awkward but she’s heard the stories from Kaneki about people who walk alone out in the streets at such late hours of the night. It is better to be safe than sorry.

It bothers Touka because she can no longer tell Hinami’s feelings. Initially, she had felt nothing from the girl. It had looked like Ayato was merely a toy to her. But her perception of Hinami has slowly begun to change. It changed when she had her honest conversation with Hinami at the swings. She questioned back then if Hinami really felt nothing for Ayato-- she gets far too worked up over him for someone who has no feelings for him. It’s the same thing right now-- if she really doesn’t have feelings for Ayato, why all this awkwardness? Why does she look at him as if she has something buried deep down inside of her?

The phone rings and Touka groans, getting up and walking towards it. It’s 4 am by now and she doesn’t know who’d be calling at such an hour. Ayato would normally call her on her handphone instead.

She picks the phone up. “Hello?”

“Hello, is this the home of Kirishima Ayato?” The voice on the other end sounds deep and stern.

“Yes, he’s my brother, but he’s out now,” she replies.

“Yes, Ma’am. We called to inform you of something. Your brother’s been in an accident.”

There’s a moment of silence after those words are said. Touka freezes. Those words made no sense to her.

“I’m sorry, what?”

“Your brother, Ma’am,” the person on the other ends says. “He’s been in a car accident and was brought here to Kanou General Hospital.”

“My brother has been in an accident?” she repeats. Her mind tries to keep it together, to keep herself in the moment, but she can’t. She feels herself moving away, going back to that day. Ayato in the middle of the road. A truck. Tyres screeching. A horn. A loud bang. Him bleeding on the floor. She chokes, almost doubling over.

The woman on the other end of the phone continues to speak and it takes almost all of Touka’s willpower to listen and focus on what’s she saying-- he’s fine, he’s not dead, just some bruises, he’s there now. Touka can’t wait. She knows she’s can’t. They might say he’s okay but she isn’t going to be able to rest until she actually sees him. The moment the woman gives her the ward number, she slams the phone down and grabs her car keys.

She should wake Kaneki up and tell him what happened. But she’s too worried. Her heart is beating too fast. The longer she wastes, the crazier she’s going to get. Kaneki can stay at home with Ichika. They’ll be fine. It’s Ayato she’s worried about now. It’s Ayato that’s not okay. As she drives to the hospital, she tries to stay calm, knowing that panicking will only make things worse. She needs to at least make sure that she ends up safely in the hospital as well. But her mind is in shambles and it feels like she’s thinking about a thousand and one things at once. What happened? What did Ayato do? Is he really okay? Why was he out there? Was he alone? What about Hinami? What happened to her? The woman hadn’t mentioned a single thing about Hinami.

She reaches the hospital but doesn’t bother to park her car right. Even though she’s wearing simply her home clothes, she doesn’t look out of place in there at all. Everyone’s frantic or worrying about something and the atmosphere doesn’t help to calm her nerves at all. She remembers the room number the woman had told her over the phone. The moment she finds the directions to it, Touka rushes towards it.

Please be okay. Please be okay.

She might have Kaneki and Ichika now. Ayato isn’t her only family anymore, not like the last time he’d been in a hospital for an accident. But even then, she can’t lose him. She can’t lose anyone anymore. He’s still her younger brother and she can’t imagine the pain of losing him— she doesn’t want to.

When she arrives at the room, she sees a doctor standing by the door, talking to a couple of nurses. It takes a moment but she recognises the doctor immediately-- Nishino Kimi, the girlfriend of one of her close friends.

Kimi looks over and her eyes widen a little. “I thought Kirishima sounded familiar. Is he your brother?” she asks.

“Yes,” Touka says, gasping for breath as she speaks. “How is he? How is Ayato?”

Kimi smiles. “He’s okay. He hit his head quite badly and got a concussion from that. Other than that, there’s a couple of bruises here and there. He has a cut on his arm. He did mention his leg is hurting but there’s nothing wrong with it when I checked it. I might have to run some more tests.”

“His leg?” Touka murmurs. She tries to peek into the room but there’s nothing much she can see from aside except for the edge of the bed. Even if Kimi tells her he’s okay, it feels like she can’t rest unless she sees him for herself.

“His left leg,” Kimi says. “It says in his records that he once injured it very badly. I figured we’d keep an eye on him for a bit so I’ll have him here for a few days.”

“Oh, okay, yeah sure. Can I see him now?”

Kimi nods towards the room. “Go ahead. He’s in there.”

“Okay, thank you so much,” Touka says and before she gets any sort of reply from her, she’s pushing past her and entering the room.

Ayato’s lying on the bed with his back turned towards her. Kimi closes the door behind her, leaving the two siblings alone in the small room. She knows Ayato well enough to know that he’s not asleep right now and that he’s very much awake but he doesn’t acknowledge her presence in the room at all, not even when she walks up to him and runs her hand through his hair.

“Ayato,” she says softly.

“I’m fine. Leave me alone,” he grumbles. He pulls the blanket up to his face and curls his body up even more.

“What happened?”

“I don’t know,” he says quickly.

“You were supposed to be with Hinami, weren’t you? Where is she?”

“She’s okay. This happened when I was on my way home,” he replies and before Touka can say anything, he continues, “I want to sleep now, Sis. Good night.”

“Sure, go to sleep,” Touka murmurs. She’s desperate to know what exactly happened and to rip the blanket off him so she knows exactly how badly he’s hurt. But Ayato does sound very tired and given what had happened in the past, she hadn’t expected anything else. She walks to the other side of the bed so that he’s facing her right now and pulls a chair up to sit by his bedside. Ayato has his eyes closed but she’s still sure he’s awake. With his head buried in the pillow and the blanket pulled up to his face, she can’t see much aside from the small bandage on his forehead under his bangs. She remains silent but reaches for him, taking one of his hands in hers and holding it tightly. A couple of heartbeats pass before she feels his grip tightening as well and even though she can’t see it clearly, she can tell he’s relaxing a little.

She leans forward, resting her head on his bed as well. “I’m here Ayato. Big Sister is here.”

When she wakes up, it’s already bright outside. It must be midday by now, or close to it at least. Hinami opens her eyes, squinting at the sunlight streaming in from the window, before turning around and burying her face into the pillow. She’s so tired. She feels like going back to sleep again.

It takes a moment for her to remember where she is right now and how she had ended up there. She’s in Ayato’s apartment, in his bedroom, on his bed. That’s nothing new to her, but being in that place alone? That is new. She doesn’t ever recall being alone in this place for longer than ten minutes. The only other time when he had left without her, she had run after him.

She’s alone but she doesn’t feel lonely. His blankets and pillows smell just like him. Being wrapped up on his bed feels like she’s being enveloped by his arms, snuggled up against him like she had been doing every night up till two months ago. Or maybe she is lonely. Substituting him with blankets and pillows sounds exactly like something a lonely person would do. He’d probably call her an idiot if he ever finds out; she has to make sure he never finds out about this.

She wonders when had it been since she had started craving for him this hard. It feels new to her, but maybe it isn’t. Maybe she had always felt this way but had never noticed since he’s always right there beside her. Or maybe it is new. Maybe it’s something that came out just yesterday when Kaneki had planted the idea into her head and her Kaneki-worshipping mind had immediately jumped to accept whatever he had said. Ayato has a point. It might not definitely be the case, but she can’t rule it out as a possibility. Whatever she said to Ayato yesterday was entirely unfair. She shouldn’t have done it; she should have kept it to herself until she’s very sure of it. He had told her to think about it and she supposes now’s a good time to do so. He’ll be coming back soon and she’ll have her answer out by then.

She turns to lie flat on her back, looking upwards at the blue ceiling. Kaneki had been so sure of it. Ayato had been so sure that she’s mistaken. She wonders what Touka thinks about it. It would be nice if she can talk to her again. Maybe Touka might be able to sort things out better. But she also knows that Touka doesn’t know her as well as Kaneki does, but Kaneki doesn’t know her as well as Ayato does. Would that make Ayato right?

She shakes her head. No. Ayato might be wrong. He has his own beliefs and he’s stubborn when it comes to them. If he had convinced himself that she doesn’t love him, even standing on top of a building and professing it to him in front of the world might not change his mind.

She can’t rely on anyone. She just needed to make her own judgement. She supposes that she’s relied on people enough at this point.

Rolling about in Ayato’s bed is nice but she supposes getting some coffee might help her think better as well. She gets out of bed and enters the kitchen, only to stop at the soft, but clear buzzing noise she hears. She looks around and spots Ayato’s phone on the kitchen counter. He must have placed it there where he was smoking last night and forgotten to take it along with him since he had left in a rush after their argument.

Hinami ignores it initially, going to make coffee for herself, but the phone continues to buzz. Ayato’s a pretty popular guy but she doesn’t recall his phone ever being this busy. She wonders if there’s an emergency that someone needs Ayato to attend to or something; maybe it’s better to check. She picks the phone up and takes a look at the screen. There’s a bunch of different messages which she chooses not to read, but there are also 20 missed calls from Rio.

Hinami stiffens at the name. She knows Ayato and Rio are close and Ayato had told her that there’s nothing between them, but the rumours mentioned by Tomoe still surface in her mind. In this one month, anything could have happened. Things could be changed; feelings could be changed. For all she knows, the reason he turned her down was that he might have moved on.

The phone starts vibrating again and Rio’s name appears on the screen. She knows she shouldn’t do it. She knows that she should be respecting Ayato’s privacy. She should leave the phone be Ayato gets back. He should be getting back soon. It’s already way past noon. But even when she knows all of that, her hands move on their own accord, picking up the call and moving the phone to her ears.

“Hey! You finally picked up! Is everything okay?” At the other end of the line, Rio speaks with an urgent, worried voice. He’s talking so quickly that Hinami can barely make out the words he’s saying, especially amidst his hard pants. “Your sister called me but I didn’t pick up till morning and I got caught up in something so it took me awhile. I’m on my way to the hospital right now. Are you okay? Everyone’s really worried. You should reply to their messages when you feel like it, okay?”

Hinami remains silent, her mind spinning from what she’s heard. None of this makes any sense. Hospital? Why is Rio going to the hospital? Why is he telling Ayato about this? What’s going on and why did it seem to make everyone worried? She knows she can simply ask Rio about everything but the words were failing her.

“Hey, are you there?” Rio asks. Hinami still chooses not to say anything. There’s silence for a long while before Rio sighs and continues speaking. “It’s fine. You don’t have to say anything. The accident must have been hard, huh? I’m almost there. We can talk more then if you want to. See you.” He hangs up right there, leaving Hinami with a bigger headache.

Accident? What accident?

She takes another look at the phone but this time, she scrolls through the notifications and reads the messages. A voice in her head is screaming at her to respect his privacy but it’s too faint now for her to give it any attention. She skims through the text she sees, picking out the important bits— Miza, Naki, their group, Rio, the soccer guys from high school, an accident, hospital, worries, visiting. It doesn’t take long for her to piece everything together from what she’s read and heard from the call.

Her knees go weak and she chokes up, dropping his phone in the process. Shit, no. She needs to hold herself together, but she can’t. She can’t believe what she’s seeing. There’s no way.

Ayato got into an accident last night— after he left; after she chased him away. Touka had called Rio and he had told everyone else. They’re all messaging Ayato asking how he is and everyone’s really worried. But he can’t reply to any of them, not when the phone isn’t with him right now.

Hinami freezes, her eyes widening at another thought. The last time this happened, he had almost died and had gone into a coma for months. Maybe it happened again. Maybe something worse happened.

She doesn’t even want to consider what happened, but she knows she needs to find out. If something happened to him on his way home from the apartment, the only person who can be blamed is her. It is her fault. If he dies right now, it is because she didn’t stop him and because she had made such a big fuss and had made things too awkward for him to stay with her. If he had stayed with her, they’d both be here right now. If he dies, she can’t think of anything else aside for the fact that it would have been just as good as her sending him to his death.

She rushes back to the room for her phone. If Touka informed Rio, she must have done the same for her— or at least Kaneki would have. She scrambles to turn it on and waits for the messages to load up. She waits and waits, staring at the screen for minutes. But no matter how much she waits, there isn’t a message at all.

It seems like they didn’t want her to know at all.

He doesn’t sleep well that night. Every time he closes his eyes, he’s jolted awake really quickly from the images that flash through his mind and the sounds that ring through his ears. It doesn’t feel like he’s slept at all. He’s so exhausted, his body hurts everywhere and his leg throbs continuously.

But he knows that he’s sleeping. One moment he opens his eyes, Touka is still there holding his hand. The next, she’s standing and she’s on the phone. After that, he doesn’t see her but he hears her talking to Kaneki behind him. The next moment, his uncle is there with Ichika as well. He must be falling asleep and waking up at intervals.

“You should eat something.”

This time, it’s Kaneki who’s there and it doesn’t seem like there’s anyone else. Kaneki is sitting on the chair Touka was sitting in the beginning. He has a book in his hands and he speaks without looking up.

Ayato sits up, ignoring the screamings of his body. Looking down at himself, he realises he’s not that badly hurt at all. He has bandages on him but he knows that beyond cuts and bruises there are no other injuries. He didn’t break anything this time. His leg is still hurting but when Ayato lifts the blanket of it, he sees that it’s not badly twisted or anything, just bandaged and a little swollen. He moves it and realises that he can move it and surprisingly, there aren’t any sharp pains that shoot through it like the last time.

“You’re fine,” Kaneki says. “Your injuries are not bad at all. You only gave everyone a huge scare, yourself included.”

Kaneki is smiling at him now, a weak but very concerned smile. Ayato looks around the room. It’s only the two of them now. He doesn’t see Touka anywhere.

“Where’s Touka?” he asked.

“Touka’s been here since the accident so I told her to get some sleep at home. She brought Ichika along. Yomo went back to the cafe,” Kaneki says.

“Oh.” He wants to say more; he knows he should say something at least— an apology or at least show some gratitude for them making the time to keep him accompany. But his mind is reeling and his voice is failing him. He doesn’t know what to say to Kaneki. He doesn’t even know what’s going on. It still feels like everything is a mess right now. Everything had happened so fast, just like it did before. One moment he’s okay and the next, he’s not. One moment he’s walking back to his apartment and the next, he’s in the hospital.

“We told your friends already. Touka called Rio and he’d inform everyone else,” Kaneki says. “But… about Hinami…” Kaneki hesitates, looking up at him with a grimace and although Kaneki didn’t say anything he knows Kaneki is asking him about her.

“She’s at my apartment. She’s safe,” he says slowly.

“Okay, sure. Do you want us to tell her or do you want to do it yourself?” Kaneki asks.

The thought of informing Hinami hadn’t crossed his mind. Hinami had barely crossed his mind. She should still be at his apartment if she hadn’t already left. He hopes she isn’t waiting for him. He doesn’t know when he’d get back. If she is waiting, he supposes he should come up with an excuse. He doesn’t know how “I got into a car accident and couldn’t come home for a few days” would work on her.

It’s strange how distant he feels with everything that had happened. In his sleep, it had kept coming back to haunt him. Maybe he’s used up all fear he had in him in his dreams. Right now he feels empty, drained. He feels like a spectator watching everything unfold.

“Ayato?” Kaneki calls out softly. “Do you want me to call her instead?”

“You haven’t called her yet? You told Rio about it.”

“We don’t know what happened between you and Hinami so we didn’t want to be too hasty. You were fine so Touka thought she’d leave it up to you if you want us to tell Hinami about what happened,” Kaneki explains. When Ayato doesn’t say anything, Kaneki sighs and continues talking instead, sitting forward in his seat to move closer to him. “Look, Ayato, I don’t know if I’m thinking too much into this and it’s totally fine if you don’t want to talk about it, but did something happen between you and Hinami last night? The time of the accident… I know you went to walk Hinami back home but the accident happened about two hours after you left our home. It’s too late and I really want to know why exactly you were walking in the middle of the heavy rain by yourself.”

He thinks for a moment, running himself through the events of the previous night. He feels his heart beating faster and he calms himself down by trying to avoid the incident entirely. It’s fine if he pretends it never happened right. Maybe he should imagine that he slipped and fell in the rain instead— that would help. He remembers everything that had happened and the events that had led up to him walking out of that door— Hinami’s words and Kaneki’s part in all of that. He had been angry— so angry— but he’d also been stupid and he realised that, didn’t he? That’s why he stopped; that’s why he was in that very spot when the car came skidding towards the sidewalk.

He was going to go back to her. He was going to apologise, to talk. But he wasn’t allowed to do it. It’s as if the world was stopping him from going-- as if it was telling him that he and Hinami were meant to be apart.

He forces the lump down his throat. “We went to the dorms but they’ve been closed so I walked Hinami back to my apartment and started coming back home when it started raining. That’s why I was late.” He’s lying through his teeth and he knows that Kaneki out of all people can tell. He’s a cop. He’s used to dealing with liars. He can read people like a book and know when they’re being untruthful. This lie is useless.

“Ayato,” Kaneki says, a little more sternly this time. “What happened?”

He wants to scream at Kaneki. He isn’t one of Kaneki’s criminals. He isn’t in an interrogation right now. He has no reason to abide by it and tell him every single thing that had happened. Kaneki has no business in his life. Just because he married his sister doesn’t give him the right to pry into every single nook and cranny of Ayato’s life. He hates this. He hates this situation. He hates Kaneki. He hates everything.

“Look, Ayato, I’m worried about Hinami too. I remember saying some very weird stuff to her last night and I have no idea if it contributed to all this. If you don’t want to talk right now, that’s fine, but please don’t lie to me,” Kaneki continues.

He feels a little guilty. Ayato knows that Kaneki has his best interest at heart. Kaneki’s always like that, taking things up that he really shouldn’t need to and helping them out when it’s none of his business. It was Kaneki who had paid for Ayato’s hospital bills and Arata’s funeral expenses a few years ago even though he and Touka were not married yet. He’s always like that and Ayato knows he should be thankful— he is thankful. But it pisses him off as well. All of it was his mess; he fucked up big time. It should be him who’s paying for and dealing with it. But instead, it’s Kaneki. It’s always Kaneki.

“I’m sorry for causing trouble for you again,” Ayato murmurs.

Kaneki shakes his head. “It’s not like that at all.”

“All of this is none of your business. You don’t have to get involved. You never had to. But because you did, things had been easy on me and it’s not fair,” Ayato continues. “You should just leave me alone. Just let me deal with all this. This is my problem, not yours. Don’t pay for this. I will.”

“How? You barely get enough to cover your rent from your part-time job,” Kaneki says.

“I’ll deal with it,” Ayato snaps.

“No, no you’re not,” Kaneki argues, raising his voice a little. “Touka and I are not leaving you alone in this. We’re not going to leave you in anything. You’re part of the family, Ayato.”

“We’re not family—”

“We are,” Kaneki interrupts. “We’re family and family helps one another, okay?”

“This is… All this is…” Ayato stops, breathing hard, his hands gripping the edges of the blanket tightly. He’s mad. He’s just so mad at everything right now— at Hinami who had said all those stuff, at the stupid driver for running into him last night, at the rain which caused the accident, at Touka for getting him to walk Hinami back, at Kaneki for always helping him and at himself, for being so useless at the face of everything that life throws at him, for always needing someone and having to rely on people.

“You know, my father died when I was very young and my mother and I struggled a lot. She died a little after that because of how much she worked. We had a lot of debts to pay and my aunt also kept asking for more money. Mom just worked and worked and in the end, I suffered a lot from it,” Kaneki says. “It’s never good to be in a position where you always need money. A part of me always wanted Mom to stop giving Aunt money because we had none ourselves. I could never understand why Mom would do it. But I see you now and I see how you and Touka are. I’m not like my Mom. I have money. I have money but before you and Touka, after Hinami moved out, I had no family. It was lonely. But I met Touka and things started getting better. I want to protect this, Ayato, and that includes you. It won’t be the same without you. Trust me, those years showed us enough.”

“I’ll still be there even if you let me pay my own bills,” Ayato grumbles. He doesn’t want to look at Kaneki right now. He doesn’t want to know the kind of expression Kaneki has on his face.

“You know, I have every reason to hate you,” Kaneki continues, “ and sometimes, I wonder how the hell you even are related to Touka. But if not for you, I will do all this for Touka. She will fall apart if something happens to you and I will not let that happen.”

“My sister is not weak,” Ayato snaps. “She’ll be fine.”

“She’s not weak, you’re right. But she’ll still fall apart. Her strength will help her pull herself together again, that I am very sure of. But she will still be hurt and I don’t want that to happen as much as I can.”

“What does that have to do with my bills?” Ayato grumbles. He lies back down on the bed, pulls the blanket over his body and turns away from Kaneki.

“I want you to accept my help, to let me help you, for your sister’s sake. Ayato, please.”

For Touka’s sake… Ayato glances at his hand— the very hand Touka had held onto last night and had helped him through his nightmares. She must have rushed here the moment she found out what happened to him. They must have woken her up. She must have been tired. But she still came.

“If it would give Touka a peace of mind, then fine.”

He hears Kaneki’s grunt of approval behind and he closes his eyes. He falls asleep surprisingly fast, but the images appear again. He’s in the sidewalk again. Kaneki is there now for some reason. He’s pushing him to the middle of the road. There’s a truck on one side and the car on the other. He’s trapped. His ears are overwhelmed with the screeching of tires. He closes his eyes and he wants to scream. But his voice is stuck in his throat. He can’t say anything. He can’t do anything. He opens his eyes and looks towards the sidewalk. Kaneki isn’t there anymore. It’s Hinami, looking at him with a big frown, eyes streaming with tears mouthing some words.

He doesn’t see anything else afterwards.

Ayato opens his eyes and he’s back in the hospital, still on the same bed. He’s stuffy. Everything around him feels like it’s burning. His body is wet and sticky; his clothes are drenched in his sweat. Hinami was in his dream and he’s sure she was saying something to him. He frowns at the ceiling, taking a moment to collect his thoughts and recall what she had said.

I’m sorry.

She has nothing to be sorry about.

This is all my fault.

It’s not. She asked him to stay. He chose to leave.

He’s glad Touka and Kaneki hadn’t told her about this. Maybe Hinami not knowing would be a better idea. He’d get out of the hospital and go and see her after that. He’ll just pull some act about being really pissed off or something and then he’d apologize to her. It would be better than having her needlessly worry about all this.

He turns his head to the side. Kaneki is still there, but he had dozed off. Beside Kaneki, he sees another face, flipping lazily through the book Kaneki was reading just now. It’s Rio. It confuses him for a moment what Rio is doing here, but then he remembers Kaneki mentioning that Touka had called Rio over.

“Rio?”

Rio’s head snaps up at the sound of Ayato’s voice and he jumps to his feet, leaning over and smiling widely. “You’re okay. Thank god.”

“Yeah. I guess.” Ayato tries to sit up and Rio immediately offers him a hand, just as he always used to do in the past when he’d gotten injured during soccer.

“Sorry I was late. I had soccer training,” Rio explains. “I didn’t check my phone till after and I saw Touka’s messages and missed calls so I called her immediately. You gave me such a fright, you know. You didn’t even say anything on the phone just now.”

“The phone?” Ayato mumbles dumbly.

“Yeah, when I was on the way just now, remember?” Rio says, laughing a little.

Now that he thinks about it, he hadn’t checked his phone at all. It’s the last thing one would think of after getting into the second car accident of his life. Ayato glances over at the two tables he has beside his bed. He doesn’t see his phone anywhere. His clothes are neatly folded and placed on one of them but he can’t find any of his other belongings with him. He might have left it at home. He doesn’t recall taking it along with him when he left.

“I… left my phone at home,” Ayato says, looking around again. Maybe he missed a spot. But it doesn’t seem like it’s anywhere.

“Really? That’s weird. I was really sure one of my calls got picked up,” Rio says. “Was it someone else, then?”

“It’s at my apartment so…” Ayato says slowly, letting himself collect his thoughts. “It’s Hinami.”

“Hinami?”

“Yeah, I told her she can stay over since it was late and the rain was heavy,” Ayato says.

She knows.

He had wanted to keep it a secret from her. He needs to talk to her.

“Give me your phone,” he says to Rio immediately and before Rio can even question him, he’s reaching into his pockets and pulling the phone out. Rio watches him, partly annoyed, as he dials his own number and waits for a call. The ringtone goes on and on but there’s no answer at all. He tries again but to no avail. He tries the landline and gets nothing as well. Hinami might have left already. He tries Hinami’s phone number as well, but that doesn’t work out either. She doesn’t pick up.

“She’s not picking up,” he complains.

“Yeah, that’s because I don’t know her that well, Ayato, and I don’t have her number so there’s no way she’s going to pick up some call from a random stranger,” Rio points out.

Rio’s right and Ayato knows that. He looks around and his eyes fall on Kaneki, who’s still sleeping at the chair beside the bed. Maybe if it’s Kaneki, Hinami will answer.

“Kaneki!” he shouts.

Kaneki jumps at Ayato’s loud voice and wakes up immediately, rubbing his eyes sleepily. “Ayato? What is it?”

“I need you to call Hinami now,” he says urgently.

“Huh?”

“Just do it,” Ayato snaps.

“Okay okay, calm down,” Kaneki grumbles. He pulls his phone out and starts to call her. The moment he sees Hinami’s name on the screen, Ayato reaches out and grabs the phone from Kaneki’s hands.

Hinami answers almost immediately. “I’m so sorry, Big Brother, this is all my fault. I’m so sorry.”

“Hina—”

“Ayato ran out because of the things I said to him. I messed up again. I’m so sorry. I can’t do this anymore,” she continues, not giving him a chance to speak at all. “I keep hurting him no matter what I do. I’m just not right for Ayato. You’re wrong about it all. You’re wrong, Big Brother! I’m sorry I should never have come into his life. I don’t think my feelings for him are real either.”

“Wait—”

She really must not be listening or she’d have been able to tell the difference in the voice. But she continues speaking, thinking he’s Kaneki. “I can’t face Ayato anymore. Even if he doesn’t blame me, I know this is my fault. I can’t bring myself to see him anymore. Please tell him how sorry I am and that I wish him all the best. I will see you soon. Goodbye.” With that, she cuts the line. Just like that.

The silence that follows drags on for a long time. Both Kaneki and Rio watch him without saying a thing until Kaneki reaches forward and grabs the phone of out Ayato’s hands.

“She hung up already,” he says bitterly.

“Yeah, she did,” Ayato murmurs.

“What did she say?” Rio asks.

“She said…” Ayato pauses, thinking back. She said a lot of things. She said everything that he thought she would say. Everything went like he thought it would. It’s bad. He needed to stop her; he needed to tell her it isn’t his fault. But he didn’t. She didn’t give him a chance to.

Kaneki groans as he watches the blank expression on Ayato’s face and dials Hinami’s number himself. Ayato looks over, only to see the call cut almost immediately after.

“She turned off her phone,” Kaneki says.

He hadn’t gotten a chance to say anything to her yet and at this rate, he doesn’t think he will. Hinami won’t give him a chance to say anything; she’s not going to talk to him on the phone. But Ayato knows he can’t just sit by and leave everything be. He needs to clear everything up with her. Hinami can’t blame herself. It isn’t her fault.

It hurts to move but he forces himself to, sliding off the bed and getting to his feet. His left ankle screams in protest but he knows he has to ignore it.

“Wait. What are you doing?” Rio asks, grabbing his shoulders and trying to push him back to the bed.

“I need to go and see her,” Ayato insists. He tries to push Rio off him but it’s hard to fight against a fit person when you’re injured and had been spending the past twelve hours or so in bed.

“Don’t be ridiculous, Ayato, you need to rest,” Rio says.

“I need to settle this,” he argues.

“No, you don’t!” Rio snaps. “I’ve been telling you since Day One that this whole thing is a bad idea but you’ve never listened to me. You don’t have to go to her now. Whatever it is, you can wait till you’re better.”

“No!”

“Stay down, Ayato!”

It’s useless. He knows Rio isn’t going to budge. He turns to Kaneki, who frowns and shakes his head. “No, Ayato. I’m with Rio on this. If anything happens to you, Touka will kill me.”

“It’s just this once, Kaneki. Please let me go,” he says. Ayato has never pleaded with Kaneki before. This is a first, but if he has to resort to begging, he would as well. He knows that keeping silent about this is wrong. He needs to clear up the misunderstanding as soon as he can. He needs to let her know she’s wrong.

“Ayato, I can’t.”

“I need to do this, Kaneki. Please. For Hinami,” he whispers. He’s never been this sincere with Kaneki. It’s always been the opposite. He never wants to rely on Kaneki. Ayato had just made it clear to him how he hates having to accept Kaneki’s help. But right now he doesn’t have any other choice and he knows Kaneki is able to tell just how desperate he is from the way he’s begging right now. If he has to fall on his knees, he would.

After a long moment of silence, Kaneki closes his eyes and sighs. “Fine. Just this once, and make it back as quick as you can.”

Ayato blinks in disbelief. He really did want Kaneki to agree but he hadn’t thought Kaneki would actually give in. Rio seems annoyed but Kaneki doesn’t notice it-- or if he does, he doesn’t bother to acknowledge it. Instead, Kaneki goes over to take Ayato’s clothes and toss them to him.

“Rio and I will distract the nurses. You try to make it out in five minutes and I want you back as soon as possible,” Kaneki instructs. “Don’t exert yourself.”

Ayato doesn’t think Touka could have married anyone better.

She decides that barricading herself in her room is probably a good idea. After the incident with Ayato’s phone, Hinami had run out of the apartment and all the way back to her dorm. She isn’t in the mood to talk to anyone right now. She doesn’t want to have anything to do with anyone. She wants to be alone. Miza and Tomoe drop by but she ignores both of them. They’re probably here to talk to her about Ayato, especially since she hadn’t returned their calls or replied their messages either. She gets a call from a new number as well and she supposes it has to be Rio. He’s probably calling to inform her about what happened. But she already has everything figured out from Ayato’s phone. She doesn’t need them telling her.

She feels terrible enough and no one else needs to know about it. Or so she thinks.

A short while after the call from the number she assumes is Rio, she receives another one. This time, she rushes to pick it up. It’s Kaneki. She picks up already knowing what he is going to say, which she still doesn’t want to hear. She picks up for a whole different reason. She picks up because she needs to say something instead. It’s Kaneki who had given her all those ideas. It’s Kaneki who had prompted her to start that conversation with Ayato. She knows it’s not Kaneki’s fault everything happened— it’s hers— but she wants Kaneki to know the truth. He is wrong. She isn’t fit for Ayato. She doesn’t love Ayato. They’re not meant to be. They’re not good for each other. She shouldn’t be with him at all.

The moment she picks up, she starts talking. The words flow out of her mouth like a heavy torrent. She barely has any idea what she’s saying. She can’t be bothered. She speaks and speaks, letting her heart guide her through the words and emotions. She pours everything out, not giving him a chance to say anything. When she’s exhausted of things to say, she hangs up immediately, turns her phone off and tosses it away. She doesn’t want to talk to Kaneki. She knows what he’ll say in response. He’ll tell her she’s wrong and that it’s not her fault. He’d ask her to go and see Ayato. Maybe he might blame himself for even telling Hinami all those weird things, but he’ll insist that those things are true. He might convince her again that she’s in love with Ayato. He might convince her to go back to Ayato. Hinami knows how weak she is. She knows how pathetic she is. Ayato is right. She can’t think for herself. If she gave Kaneki the chance to say that she’s wrong and that she should go to Ayato, her stupid mind might have believed it and done just that.

There’s a knock again. “Hinami? Are you in there?”

Hinami freezes, recognising the voice immediately. What is he doing here? Is this her imagination playing tricks on her?

“Hinami, it’s me. It’s Ayato. I really need to talk to you.”

It is his voice. She’d recognise that voice anywhere. If he’s here right now, does this mean he’s okay? Had he gotten discharged? She gets up immediately, rushing to the door and reaching for the doorknob, only to stop right before opening the door for him. Isn’t it too soon for him to be out? No matter what, hospitals would keep him for at least a day, right? How can he be outside? Her mind wanders through many countless possibilities, even the absurd ones. What if it’s someone else pretending to be him? What if it’s someone else but she’s hearing his voice out of desperation? What if that is his ghost here to bid farewell to her before he moves on to the afterlife? The third one, no matter how ridiculous, makes her choke up.

“Hinami, I can see your shadow again, you know,” he sighs. “Please. Don’t ignore me.”

“I’m not ignoring you,” she whispers. She hurriedly wipes her eyes with her sleeves and opens the door.

Ayato stands before her, but she has to pinch herself to believe that this is real and that this isn’t a dream. He’s breathing hard, slumped against the door frames, eyes narrowed as he watches her with his typical annoyed expression. Neither of them says anything, not even as Hinami reaches forward and runs the tip of her finger down along his cheek— the left side, which wasn’t bandaged. He’s real. He’s here. It’s really him. He’s alive. She studies him carefully, eyes focusing on every small bruise that she could find and the various areas of him which are bandaged. She wonders how many injuries he has under his clothes and how bad they actually are. His face doesn’t look bad, but she can see that his right arm is still bleeding. He’s clutching it with his other hand, but the bandaged is clearly soaked with wet blood.

“Your… hand…” she says, nodding towards it.

Ayato looks down at it and grimaces. “Yeah, I think I might have reopened the wound or something when I was running here. I went to my place and you weren’t there so I came all the way here.”

“You were running— No, whatever, come in.” No matter what the situation is right now, she can’t have him standing at the doorway. She should at least let him sit down. She’s not such a heartless person that she’s going to put him through that sort of pain. She watches, trying not to react much, as he struggles to kick off his shoes and walk in. As Ayato limps into her room, she knows she’s made the right decision letting him in but she’s sure Ayato has done something stupid.

“What are you doing here?” she asks as she gently pushes him to sit on the bed. She pulls his hand away from the bleeding bandages and observes it carefully. She doesn’t have any first aid in her room but she has some towels she supposes he could use for now.

“I needed to see you,” he says. She remains silent as she’s talking the towels, giving herself time to think through what he’s saying.

“Did they let you out of the hospital already?” Hinami asks. She sits beside him and presses the towel against the bloody bandage, letting it soak up some of the moisture. “You still look very bad to me. Where else does it hurt?”

“My ankle but they said it was nothing too bad,” he says looking down at his bandaged foot. He winces as he moves it. Hinami can tell despite the bandage that it probably hurts a lot. It’s not bleeding but it looked a little swollen-- much bigger than his other foot.

She realises that he hadn’t answered her first question and turns to look at him. “They discharged you already? When you’re like this?”

He grimaces. “Hinami, there’s something I need to tell you.”

He’s avoiding her question again and that gives her the answer-- he hasn’t been discharged and he probably snuck out of the hospital to come here. Her throat feels dry, clenching up in her attempts at holding in her frustration. Just why is he like this? He left the hospital despite being injured like this to come and see her.

“Kaneki called you just now and you picked up, right?” Ayato continues speaking, either completely oblivious to her silence or blatantly ignorant of it. She nods and he frowns, sighing. “It wasn’t Kaneki who called you. It was me.”

Hinami freezes. Her mind immediately goes back to the call, trying her best to remember what she had said, but she can’t remember a single thing. She had just spewed out whatever came to her lips. Her brain hadn’t been functioning. Thinking it was Kaneki, she had said a bunch of stuff and had been completely open and honest with him. Even though she can’t remember what exactly she said, she knows for sure that those are words not meant for Ayato’s ears. But while she has no idea what they are now, Ayato does.

“Please ignore that call,” Hinami says immediately, trying her best to remain as composed as she can. She gets up and walks over to her table to pick up her phone. “You shouldn’t be here. I’ll call Big Brother to come and pick you up.”

“Don’t,” he hisses.

“I’m calling him.” She’s right about to call him when she notices Ayato beside her, reaching over and snatching the phone out of her hands. She turns to him, annoyed, holding her hand out and staring at him instructively. He simply frowns back at her, holding the phone behind him, still breathing hard.

“You shouldn’t be here, Ayato,” she argues. She considers reaching over to take it. He’s hurt so she might be able to successfully take it away from him. But she can see his bleeding arm from the corner of his eyes. She might hurt him more in the process. She’s done enough of that; she can’t hurt him more-- she shouldn’t.

“We need to talk,” he says.

“We can talk when you’re better,” she says, though she has no intention to. She doesn’t have any plans to have anything to do with him at all. It’s not that hard. They’re in their final year of college when the next semester starts. She doesn’t think they’ll see each other much. It’s not that hard to avoid him since she knows his usual hangout places. At most, she’ll have to find somewhere else to stay which is not that hard at all.

“No, we need to talk now,” he insists, grabbing onto her arm with his uninjured hand. “I can’t have you going on thinking those things you said.”

“What things? I can’t remember,” she grumbles. She’s tired and exhausted and continuously seeing how injured he is right now isn’t helping her mood. He’s like this because of her. She knows he’s going to try to talk her into thinking otherwise but she doesn’t see how this can be anyone else’s fault.

“All those things you said, Hinami. They’re wrong. They’re scary. They hurt,” he whispers. They hurt. Of course, they hurt him. That’s all she’s ever done to him and all she’s ever going to do. “You’re not at fault Hinami so don’t ever say stupid things like how you can’t show your face to me.”

“Did I say that?” she wonders bitterly. “I’m not in the mood to have this discussion right now. Please let me call Kaneki.”

“It’s not your fault,” Ayato insists.

“Ayato, stop.”

“No, listen to me. It isn’t your fault at all, okay? You didn’t do anything. You asked me to stay,” he hisses. He’s gritting his teeth as he speaks, trying to pass it off as his annoyance but Hinami can tell that’s not the case. He’s in pain right now. He’s perspiring so much. The colour is being drained from his face. He needs to be at the hospital right now. He needs rest.

“Ayato now’s not the time for this. Give me the phone,” Hinami instructs, holding her hand out. She takes a step towards him and he takes a step back, wincing. She glances down. His leg is trembling. “Ayato, at least sit down.”

“Not until you listen to what I have to say.”

“You need to calm down. You’re getting worked up and it’s not healthy for you right now,” she says. Another step forward and he takes another one back. Maybe if she keeps walking closer, he’d walk back to the bed and she can push him to sit at least.

“It’s not your fault. Don’t cut things off between us because of this.” She’s still moving forward and he’s still backing away. She sees the bed right behind him and reaches out, pushing him lightly. Ayato stumbles backwards, falling to a sitting position and dropping her phone. He groans in pain and taking this slight moment of distraction, she snatches the phone and rushes to call Kaneki. Ayato watches her in disbelief, his eyes wide.

“Wait, Hinami, don’t call,” he snaps, but by the time he’s said it, she’s already on the phone and she can hear Kaneki picking up.

“Big Brother, Ayato’s in a bad condition right now. Could you come to the dorms and pick him up? Don’t let him leave the hospital again please,” she says.

“Hinami? Did something happen?” Kaneki asks, confused but also worried.

“He’s just in a lot of pain.”

“Okay, I’ll be there in ten minutes.”

She hangs up and tosses the phone on the bed. Ayato is frowning at her now and she can tell he’s really angry, though she doesn’t think he has any reason to be. She supposes she can entertain him a little.

“We have ten minutes,” she informs him.

“It’s not like you’re going to listen to me, are you?” Ayato mutters.

“I’ll hear what you have to say at least,” she offers.

“I just needed to see you after all that you said. I want you to know that nothing is your fault, but talking to you now I realise I cannot convince you. You’re too stubborn,” he complains.

“I shouldn’t have made things awkward in the first place. From the beginning I should have asked you to stay when the rain was so heavy,” she says.

“You did.”

“Not at first,” she points out.

“You didn’t put me at the sidewalk, you know,” he says, clearing his throat a little. “I shouldn’t have been so stubborn. I should have just dealt with everything and control myself a little. I got too angry.”

“You’re right. You got too angry, because of the things I did and said,” she says. “Ayato even if you try to convince me that it isn’t my fault that this happened, you cannot convince me that all this pain we’re going through is not the culmination of that stupid arrangement we had.”

“It’s hard to think that us fucking since two years ago led to my accident,” Ayato grumbles.

“But it did. If we had stayed friends, none of this would ever have happened. If we never got acquainted in the first place--”

“Maybe I might have killed myself over depression after my father died,” Ayato cut in. “You saved me Hinami; you gave me hope. I already told you that. Don’t give me the we-should-never-have-met bullshit right now. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me.”

She doesn’t know how she can accept those words. She can’t be the best thing that happened to him, not when she has reduced him to the state he is right now. He would have been better off without her. This time, she’s going to make sure she can’t fuck things up for him anymore.

“Then will you do something for me?” she asks in a small voice. She’s asked him this so many times and as always, he looks up at her, eyes wide, slightly wary but mostly curious.

He nods. “Yes, anything for you.” His voice is a whisper as he says it, just as it always sounds, mainly because he always knows that he’s going to regret it-- that what Hinami says is not going to be something good for him. But he always does it anyway, because he always wants to make her happy.

If she’s in love with him, which she is not-- she has to keep telling herself she’s not or she might just believe it-- she thinks this is the part of him she’ll love the most. He’s so dedicated and loyal to her. Whatever he does, he does it for her best interest. When he left last night, she’s sure it’s because she made it seem like she was uncomfortable when they first got there. She was. She really was. If it wasn’t for that conversation they had, she would have continued to feel that way. In fact, she only saw him in the kitchen because she felt too awkward that she wanted to leave his place. Ayato knew all that, which is why he left. He wanted to make her feel better so he left. He was only concerned about her so it didn’t bother him that he had to leave.

He’s always done things for her sake, but she’s never been able to do things for him the same way. He had gone on about the studying thing but Hinami knows that’s nothing. He thinks it’s big but it’s simply his warped senses talking. There was nothing special about what she did for him-- nothing at all.

But right now, she’s going to save him for good.

“You were right, Ayato. I don’t love you,” she says. It pains her to say this more than she thinks it ever would. But she holds her head high and stands firmly by her words-- the feelings aren’t natural and they’re because of what Kaneki had said.

There isn’t a change in his expression. That statement must not have been a shock to him, which is understandable since he didn’t believe her in the first place. He must be relieved now to know that he’s right and to know that he didn’t make the wrong decision by believing her.

Hinami gets to her knees in front of him. Ayato seems confused as he watches her but he doesn’t say anything, not even when she places her hand on his knee, rubbing it slightly.

“Will you please forget me?” she asks.

“Huh?”

“Nothing you say can change my mind about my feelings. I know what I want and I do not want you in my life anymore,” she says.

Now, she sees the pain in his eyes. He shakes his head immediately, grabbing her hand with his. “No, you listen to me. You don’t have to punish yourself for this accident.”

He’s wrong. She does.

“Being with you is going to hurt me more,” she says. “Everyday I will think of this and never will we move on from it.”

“But… but…” He tries to argue back but his voice is failing him. He shakes his head again, frowning, probably thinking deeply. “There has to be a way.”

“Will you respect my wishes, Ayato?” she asks.

“You don’t have to put it that way--”

“Will you?”

“I…” He hesitates, looking away from her, refusing to make the promise. “I was going to come back to you. I thought it didn’t matter anymore. Your feelings… I couldn’t be bothered about it. I thought if that’s what you believe that so be it. It doesn’t matter how you came to the conclusion. I couldn’t care anymore if Kaneki planted it in your head. When walking away, I realised we should have talked things out more calmly, about your feelings especially.”

“You were right. I don’t love you. There’s nothing to talk,” she says. Her throat clenches and she chokes as she speaks. She doesn’t know why it feels like she’s doing something terribly wrong by saying this. She feels a stab to her heart the first time she did it and she feels it again now. She wonders if it means that maybe she might be wrong about it and she’s jumping into conclusions after everything that happened, but she immediately discards the thought. She doesn’t want any of this anymore. She wants to move on; she wants both of them to move on.

He looks at her and smiles. He hadn’t smiled in a while, especially not to her. This smile is void of pain. This smile is true and genuine. This is the smile she thought she’d see when she confessed to him the previous night. This is what she had wanted to see.

“If that’s the case, why does it sound like it hurts you to say that?” he asks.

“Even if it hurts me, it is the truth that we’re not good for each other and we should not be together. We need to--”

There’s a knock on the door that cuts her off and she sighs in relief. She opens the door quickly, letting Kaneki in. Ayato looks horrified. Clearly their conversation is being cut short as well; clearly, he’s not going to get what he wants. Hinami feels a little bad about it but she knows this is for the best. She has let him say what he wants to and she has given him a reply.

Hinami remains silent as Kaneki looks disapprovingly at Ayato, nagging about his recklessness as he helps Ayato to his feet and starts to help him out. He gives Hinami a nod as he walks out the door while Ayato stares at her, a silent plea passing between them.

One more time.

She can’t give this a second chance. She can’t give herself a second chance.

She shakes her head, holding onto the door as she watches them leave. When they’re out, she closes it, only after murmuring a final farewell to the both of them. She stands by the door, envisioning them passing through the dorm’s hallways, down the elevator and out the building to Kaneki’s car. The further they go, it feels like more of her gets sucked away from herself.

She doesn’t want to see Ayato anymore. It’s for his own good. But even then, tears stream down her eyes. They continue falling out of the corner of her eyes as she picks up her phone, turns it off and removes the tiny SIM card she has inside before tossing it into the bin. She stares at it for a moment. Then, her knees give away and she collapses. Her eyelids are heavy again. The tears are falling out rapidly. She’s crying again.

She can still turn back. She can take that card, put it back into her phone, call Kaneki and ask him to let her talk to Ayato. It’s still possible. It’s not a lost cause yet. Maybe she can imagine that her love for him is real. That might lessen the pain, right?

Hinami shakes her head. She reaches into the bin and picks up the small card. Without giving herself time to doubt her next decision, she snaps it into two.

She’s going to need a new number.

His injuries look worse than they actually are. In actual fact, they’re not that bad at all. But his little expedition had worsened a couple of them and he ended up staying in the hospital much longer than he initially had to. Kaneki was wrong; Touka did not kill him when she found out what happened, though she was right on the verge of it.

Even then, aside from the cut on his arm and his ankle which took a longer time to heal, it’s in a matter of days that Ayato notices his strength returning. His body is scarred a little, his limp has gotten a little worse than before-- thought the doctor assures him that it will get better and he’d revert to his pre-second accident self in a matter of time-- and it takes him a long time before he stops jumping everytime he hears the screeching of tires. But given everything that happened, he thinks he’s okay.

The only thing that didn’t come out of this unscathed is his relationship with Hinami, who pulled a complete disappearing act on him. When he got back his phone, he left her probably close to a hundred texts. Every time he called her, he gets the notice that the number is unavailable. He tries it with Touka, Kaneki, Rio, Miza and Naki, borrowing their phones to text and call her. Everyone got the same result. It’s like Hinami has her phone permanently switched off.

Two weeks after the accident, he heads over to her dorm, only to find that she had vacated it. Tomoe and Miza who live beside her hadn’t known about any of it at all either. She had left without telling either of them. But he continues to give her space and time. He’ll see her in school. They’ll talk then.

And he does. It’s about a few weeks into class when he happens to see her in a walkway. They make eye contact and the moment this happens, Hinami turns around and hurries off. He chases after her, calling her and trying to catch up but right as he’s so close, she slips into the women’s washroom. He could wait for her and he tries to, but the walkway is small and crowded and waiting outside of the women’s washroom for someone who ran away from him is just plain disgusting. Instead, he leaves. He supposes he could lie in wait for her somewhere else like the main entrance but since he doesn’t know where she’s staying now, he can’t guess where she’d come out from. He could alternate and spend a day waiting at each entrance but again, he knows better than to be a creep.

As much as it pains him and as much as he knows that all of this is as a result of a misunderstanding on Hinami’s part, he knows he has to respect her space and decisions too. He can’t force her anymore. He doesn’t want her to suffer from being with him anymore. If there’s anything that made sense from what she had said to him two weeks ago, it was that their relationship is the root cause of all their pain.

It’s weird and ironic. It had been him who had been adamant on ending everything initially. But now he’s running after her like a dog would its owner. Ayato doesn’t even know what he wants to do when he reaches her. When he manages to catch her and turn her to face him, what will be the words he’s going to say to her? It’s not your fault? You did nothing wrong? He laughs at those options. He has already said them to her. He’s never going to be changing her mind on them.

One semester passes and he doesn’t get to talk to her. He’s convinced at this point that she has changed her number. He had seen her with her phone one time. He was standing at a distance and she had not noticed him. He called her but the line was still unavailable. He supposed that maybe she must have had his number blocked. It’s easy to confirm this. All he needed to do was borrow someone’s phone while pretending that his died and he had to make an urgent call. When he did this, he realised that her number is still unavailable although Hinami was happily using her phone a distance away. She couldn’t have blocked this random person as well. The chances are likely. She must have changed her number.

Tomoe might know a thing or two about what’s going on but asking her gives him nothing, though it’s not like he expected something either. Tomoe is clearly going to be on Hinami’s side here.

He sees her less in their final semester and he fails again at getting a chance to talk to her. He still doesn’t know where she’s staying right now. He never manages to get his hands on her new number. She still runs away whenever she sees him, but he gives up on chasing her. He’s confused. He’s hurt. Hinami thinks she might have hurt him before, but he doesn’t think that can compare to what he’s feeling right now. He rather gets hit by ten cars than have her ignore him so openly like that (he takes back the statement the moment it surfaces in his mind though-- he’s good with what he has).

No one tells him anything but he has a feeling burning deep in his gut that graduation would be his final chance at setting things right. Somehow it feels like, after that, he’s never going to see her again.

He’s right, but he’s wrong as well.

He doesn’t see Hinami after graduation. He doesn’t see her during graduation as well. He hears from people that she called in sick all of a sudden so she can’t make it. Whether that’s true or not, he realises he missed his final chance.

After that, no matter how hard he looks, he doesn’t see her again. He could rely on Kaneki for help again but he stops himself. This has nothing to do with Kaneki. This is something he can do on his own, for himself. He will find her and he will tell her what he wants to tell her.

A year in, and he’s pretty stable now. Ayato did what Hinami suggested. He got a job at a reporting agency, writing short commentaries in the sports column. It’s more fun than he thought it would be. He gets to go to most of Rio’s games and he doesn’t miss anything. He gets to write about anything his best friend does as well. He realises he’s better at it that he thought he would be. He never really liked reading and writing, but maybe writing about sports is not too bad. It’s fun.

Two years in, he tries to move on. He has made no progress in his Hinami hunt at all. He realises he doesn’t know anything about her aside from her relationship with Kaneki and him. He knows Hinami was on a scholarship but he never knew what it was for. Maybe if he did, he would have some leads, but right now, he has nothing to go on.

He goes on with life blindly. He goes to work, hangs out with Rio, drinks with Miza and Naki and spends quality time with his family. He moved back home and he spends most of his free time playing around with his niece. Ichika gets excited whenever he teaches her soccer. She seems talented at it as well and she spends a lot of time happily kicking balls around the house, much to her father’s chagrin whenever he hears the smashing of yet another vase.

Three years in and he tells himself that he needs to move on. It’s not like he swore himself to a life of celibacy. How he went a year without having sex and merely relying on jacking himself off is beyond him, but maybe keeping himself busy with work and Hinami hunting had helped. He starts dating this one girl but it doesn’t work out. He dates another one and it doesn’t work out either. Third time’s a charm, they say, and Ayato gives it one more go, only for this too to end in failure. He simply can’t forget Hinami at all.

When dates fail to satisfy him, he opts for something else. If he can’t fall in love, he can still fuck others. Sex is sex no matter who it is. Or so he thinks. He sleeps with a few people-- he tries to ignore the similarities between them like their brown hair, their short and small stature or their gentle voice-- but something feels wrong. The sex feels empty and boring, even though he’s actually feeling really good. Something is missing and even though he knows what that is, he refuses to admit it.

Four years in and he’s slowly starting to forget her, which is ironic because love is all around him right now. Naki and Miza are engaged. It happened after Miza found out she’s pregnant. Rio finally finds himself someone, but he refuses to tell Ayato anything about that person. They met online apparently. Hooguro has a girlfriend too. Ayato never thought that guy would ever take any relationship seriously but apparently, this one is different.

Touka gets pregnant again. This time, he tries to be there for her and to support her, even though he’s making plans to move out to his own apartment. When he does move, Touka, Kaneki, Ichika and Yomo (who was dragged along by Touka) help out. Ichika gets really excited by her uncle’s new place. She especially loves one room in particular. When she looks out the window, she can see the playground in the park and it makes her very excited. Ayato uses that one as his guest room, mainly for Ichika to sleep in when her parents decide to come and stay over in his place. They set it up mainly to her tastes as well-- a pink room with apple-patterned wallpapers. It’s cute, though it doesn’t match the whole theme to the house. Touka had laughed when she saw it.

Touka’s weekly visits to the cemetery stop for a moment as she gets too big to travel around much but Ayato continues doing so. Occasionally, he drops by Hinami’s parents’ graves. He’d accompanied Hinami there once before so he remembered the location. Going to the cemetery without Touka gives him the confidence to take a peek. He doesn’t know how Touka would react seeing him there; he had managed to convince her and Kaneki that he had forgotten and gotten over Hinami completely. While he supposes he is moving towards forgetting her, he knows he’s still far from it.

The graves give me a clue to Hinami’s whereabouts. He knows that no matter what she feels about him, she’d continue visiting her parents. But as he continues to visit them every week, he realises that no one else had come. There aren’t flowers; Hinami always leaves flowers behind. He wonders if she had left town. If that’s the case, he has no chance of finding her.

He thinks of Hinami the most when he’s in his apartment, alone. It’s bigger than his previous one and it looks so much better. It’s clean. The fridge is well stocked. He has room for bigger tanks for his fish. The furniture is new and they did not come with the place. Everything is to his taste. But he has no one to share all of this with. He tries his hand at bringing girls home again. But just like before, the sex keeps feeling empty. Eventually, it starts to feel like a chore. He craves for contact and companionship but even then, he can’t find any that satisfy him.

In the fifth year, he tells himself to give up. He openly declares to himself that he isn’t going to look for her. He discards the oath he had told Hinami a long time ago. He will find someone else. He will settle down. He will start a family. He doesn’t know where Hinami is anymore. He doesn’t even know if she’s alive. Life is so transient. Youth doesn’t guarantee anything. He knows this better than anyone.

He should not wait anymore. She should not seek her out anymore. He has to find someone else.

Touka’s delivery is a safe one this time. He’s there when it happens, holding Ichika outside and entertaining her along with her granduncle. It’s a boy this time. As Ayato watches Kaneki and Touka with both their son and daughter now, he wonders how nice it would be to have one of his own as well. He’s already in his mid-twenties now. He’s pretty stable careerwise. He’s not advancing fast, but neither is he at any risk of a sudden retrenchment. A family isn’t ideal but it’s not an unattainable fantasy either.

Of course, he has to find someone to start a family with. Ayato sighs at this thought. He’s not too desperate for one, but he supposes he has it pretty high up in his future plans now. It weird. He actually has plans for the future. The Ayato of the past never did; he just went with the flow.

Hinami has changed him in many ways he realises. Some for the better and some for the worse. But he realises one more thing as he sits and contemplates his future. If he’s ever going to get married and have children-- that’s a big if-- he can’t do it with Hinami absent. He cannot imagine a wedding without Hinami. Even if she’s not on the altar with him, she has to be present there, just like Kaneki, Touka and everyone else who are really important to him. She’s someone very important to him and that goes far beyond simple romantic interest. Sometimes, there’s more to relationships with other than romance. He knows that. He wants Hinami to know that.

They don’t have to be in love. They can still be friends. He wants to tell her that, but he can’t do it without finding her.

He supposes he just can’t give up in his search just yet. He sighs. After all of his progress, it looks like he had slipped and fallen back down to the first square.

This is going to be a long year.

A/N: Again, I am not going to say anything since I’m really sleepy and I’ll leave my comments for tomorrow. Only one more chapter to go guys! Once again, please please do reblog if you like this! It’ll really help me out. Feel free to leave comments in the tags/ reblogs/ replies or through asks!

#tg #tokyo ghoul #ayahina #kirishima ayato #fueguchi hinami #far writes stuff #my fic: shattered

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shslmahoushoujo · 6 years ago

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Ok, so I said I wanted to talk about this episode of Tokyo Ghoul :RE, and boy do I have a LOT to say! So for starters, let’s talk about Ishida and his very, very messy plans for Tokyo Ghoul :RE and why I think this episode managed to make things work. Because I do think that the studio knowing the trajectory of the series helped out here a lot.

So let’s rewind a bit, to last week specifically. Tumblr user kenkamishiro was kind enough to translate the most recent interview with Ishida and Takahashi from Osterreich, and there’s one part that caught my interest specifically: Ishida and Takahashi talking about how Ishida originally planned to end the series in a “trainwreck”, which seems to fit the direction the series was going with volume 13. Naki, Tooru, and Aura would’ve died, Uta warning Yomo gives me the feeling that he wasn’t gonna make it out of that mess either, Furuta probably was either meant to die in 144 or to just leave the story having experienced a major failure of his plan in 146, and who knows how the rest would’ve gone. Ishida meant to end the story in December, which matches with 154, and if he wanted to just destroy everything and shock everyone, the setup was right there. But as we know, he changed his mind, and then basically turned what would have been the final volume into the beginning of a whole new final arc.

I’d also like to do a second rewind, one going back even further. To the Japanese release of volume 13, to be clear. Now this is a fun one, because up to this point, volume 9 had the worst reception in the entire series. But then came volume 13 and, well... Look at how that went.

That’s not the sign of an audience happy with the direction of the series. Ishida was aiming for the utterly nihilistic nightmare that frankly would’ve made for an unsatisfying ending, and people weren’t liking that much at all.

Now, keeping those details in mind, we get back to now, to episode 8 of the anime. Imagine you’re in charge of figuring out how to cover the rest of the series in 12 episodes, and you get to this point. Not only is this the worst received volume in the series by a long shot, but it also happens to feel incongruent with the story that follows after it because it was meant to set up a different ending. What do you do? Well, I think Mikasano figured out a pretty good way around things that kills both birds in one stone, while also preventing other problems that arose in the future due to the change of ending idea Ishida had (such as the controversial fakeout deaths).

So this episode does a lot of good by working on dealing with those issues. Sure, we miss the Furuta talk and most of the Kenference, but I get why. In the case of the Furuta talk, not only does the core of it get restated a few times as Kaneki’s journey comes to a close (the Rize talk chapters, Furuta’s rant in 174), but if you look at it was the leadup to the bad ending it was at the time, it was also the last significant interaction Furuta and Kaneki would’ve had. Same with the Kenference, I’d feel almost certain saying that’s the last time we’d see Kaneki in the series in the original plan. They’re meant to be the culmination of this accumulation of mistakes that led to the bad end. The anime, on the other hand, seems to be planning for their rematch near Dragon Rize to be their first meeting since Cochlea to have the contrast of “it will all be for naught” Kaneki from the beginning of the season and “it was all necessary” Kaneki that we get at the end.

It’s also a big part of what left a bad taste in some people’s mouths regarding Kaneki: He kept making mistake after mistake, squandered every opportunity he had at improving the situation of the ghouls, and then when the time came for him to become Dragon and kill lots of people, a lot of why it happened was on him. The anime makes it something far more out of his control, and even turns around his ideals from being something foolish that brought about doom for ghoulkind and might be one of the major catalysts for the ghoul/human alliance instead. Sure, 150 still falls into being too easy and something that should’ve had far more complications, but moments like Take’s talk to Ui about doing the right thing, or the Anteiku trio sparing the Suzuya squad despite having a clear opportunity to kill them should work wonders. Hell, if the Suzuya squad were to join the ghouls during the CCG walk-in, that’s a little bit of extra credibility that alliance could have.

We also got Tooru not getting electrocuted for sheer shock value (which was likely his death in the original plan), and instead witnessing Kaneki’s transformation into Dragon alongside Touka which I think will also be great for the fight on top of Dragon which will probably happen next episode. And we can also have Miza mentioning that Naki got separated for her in the chaos of Dragon’s emergence and have him presumed missing, which keeps the surprise of his appearance near the end while also making it clear he’s obviously not dead.

Beyond that, there’s just a lot about how this played out that makes me feel it fits better with the Dragon arc we got in the end. I’m not exactly sure if I can put my finger on what it is, but there’s just something that feels to me that says “yeah, this works with the rest”. I also can’t help but to wonder if they’ll change the fate of Shio and Rikai, but we’ll see.

Ultimately, the anime is doing some things I really like. I can see why people would have problems with how it went, but me? I’m here for it all the way until the end. Maybe with this little change in the route that still gets you back on the same main road, the way the experience closes off might just be more satisfying. At the very least, it feels like the series is not pulling an Ace Ventura and swerving off the road entirely and then taking the jungle and ruining the car to get to the destination. Time to see how this all pans out, see the series through all the way to the end.

#Tara Says Stuff #tokyo ghoul #tgre spoilers #tgre anime

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alexistitania · 6 years ago

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TOKYO GHOUL ENDED AND I AM EMOTIONAL

Like, it legitimately ended. That’s it. No Part 3. I mean there IS material for potential Part 3 but this is the definitive closure to the story.

AND GUESS WHAT? IT AIN’T A TRAGEDY?!

I know people are always gonna be divided on this, like I’m seeing actual hate in the tag, and I guess that’s to be expected, this always happens when a popular series is ending. But I don’t think this particular ending deserves so much hate, and hopefully there are more people who are happy with it. Personally, I will FOREVER be thankful for this chapter! It’s not perfect, but then again, no ending is. Yes, it could’ve wrapped up more loose ends, but I think it did enough. What’s more important is that it’s not bad (in MY opinion ok chill thanks). No, it’s SO far from bad! For me, it’s an overall GREAT ending, more or less along the lines of how I always imagined TG ending. I just never really believed it WOULD end this way, like I was legit afraid Ishida would go for the tragedy thing instead, but hey, thanks anime gods!

I think most people expected a tragic ending with Kaneki dying and everything being hopeless or bittersweet at most, but we actually got an extremely pure and happy chapter, with a neat bow on top, and I for one am LOVING it! Because I’ve been following TG since 2014, and I’ve wanted a happy ending for Kaneki and all of these characters for so long, and now I’m finally getting the payoff for all those years of suffering, don’t TOUCH ME I AM FRAGILE!

It still feels kinda weird though, seeing genuinely happy things happen in this manga, it’s like a dream I never thought would come true, but it did! Obviously, you can’t please everyone, and there will always be people who will hate this ending because they envisioned it differently, but I think at the very least the ending shouldn’t ruin the rest of the story, for anyone! Of course, people will have to take some time to recover before they decide exactly how they feel about the series after its ending, but I mean, we all stayed for the ride, didn’t we? And although this final arc - for whatever reason - felt rushed toward the end and stuff, I think Ishida made the most out of the final chapter, considering where the previous chapter left off!

So we have TSC instead of CCG now, and good riddance, I hated that organization lol, although I loved a lot of the characters who were a part of it. I really like how it’s emphasized in this chapter that nothing is really over yet, the fight still continues. The difference is that there’s a new enemy of both humans and ghouls now. As expected, for the two species to finally coexist, a mutual enemy was necessary. But even though a lot of ghouls are now living peacefully with humans, thanks to the two races’ joint effort, it’s not like everyone is willing to make peace. Speaking of peace, I like how we have the title “peacekeepers” now instead of investigators (it reminds me of one of the home worlds from the Spyro the Dragon game, but that’s just my own nostalgia speaking), although it’s just in Tokyo, because apparently, other branches of CCG are still active and fighting the ghouls that are disrupting the peace. Hopefully the investigators have a new policy now, and they don’t attack friendly ghouls nowadays. Of course, there are always gonna be bad feelings from both sides, but hopefully the hostility isn’t as strong anymore. I actually wish the chapter had gone into a bit more depth and explained the nature of an investigator’s job in this new world, since some of the characters we know stayed investigators, but oh well.

Basically, both species have obviously made incredible progress in the past six years, but it’s not all flowers and rainbows, not EVERYONE is happy with this new world. And that’s so very like real life. What I think is great about this chapter is how it builds this new society as broadly as possible, and tries to explain as much as possible from different angles, because so many things have changed, it’s practically entirely new worldbuilding. It’s surely only a glimpse of what this new world looks like, but I believe it’s as detailed as the 30-page format allows. And I actually LIKE how we aren’t given everything, I feel like that’s very much Ishida’s style, leaving some things open. Because, nothing is really concluded, this fictional world didn’t just magically reach Nirvana, nor did it completely crumble down; it’s just transformed, it’s still transforming, PANTA RHEI MY DUDES! The overall theme of this chapter goes perfectly with the message of Kaneki’s speeches about the world and the never-ending change. I just really, REALLY like how the chapter emphasizes that constant change. And I like how you get this sense of cause & consequence from the chapter, as it’s made very clear that, while the Dragon war was definitely horrible, it actually allowed for new technologies to develop, which ultimately led to a better world, a changed world. We’re definitely meant to see this chapter as a closure, or actually more of an afterword, but we’re also urged to realize this is not the end of the story; the story goes on, and we were only shown a fragment of it. Like, that’s real poetic stuff right there my man.

Now, I also have a few things to say about some of the characters featured in the chapter. There are so many, I can’t even remember half of what was said about most of them, although I reread the chapter three times. It’s just extremely text-heavy. So I’ll just list the things that were important to me personally, mostly the things concerning the main characters. Otherwise, this post would get waaaay too long.

We actually got these little notes about pretty much every character I can think of (man this manga has so many CHARACTERS), telling us what all of them have been up to during the six-year timeskip. My only real complaint is that there was no mention of Eto, even though the previous chapter didn’t really bother to explain what exactly happened to her. It would’ve been fine if she’d never even come back at all, but this way, it kinda feels like the author just forgot to mention her lol. Maybe I’m just reading too much into it, it’s probably just that when the Dragon died, so did she. I was also hoping for a Rize mention, since she was such an important figure in Kaneki’s life, but at least we got a mention of the Washuu clan. And that was actually really sad, but it’s a fitting outcome, the main branch going extinct. Because first Furuta died, and then Rize shortly after, although her destiny had already been sealed much earlier. The fate of these two, and especially Rize, foreshadowed this outcome; Rize & Furuta equals Washuu inside the narrative, and when they disappeared, the Washuu they symbolized had to disappear as well.

Ok, I lied, I have another real complaint, and it actually bugged me much more than the lack of Eto mention. And that is, we only got a cameo of Akira and Amon, and no textual explanation of what was going on with them. We actually didn’t even see their faces, when literally 384576 other minor characters made an appearance. Like, they’re super major characters, what’s up with that? I guess we’re just supposed to assume they got married and lived happily ever after, but other than that, what else? Like what do they even do these days? Even just one sentence for both of them would’ve sufficed, and I really hope it’s included in the volume version of the chapter. Like, it didn’t really ruin the chapter for me, but I kinda felt like I was left hanging. And they deserved to have their faces shown one last time for closure, why all the mystery? They were both pretty important in the final arc too. Maybe we’ll get an omake about them in the final volume, who knows, but they still should’ve been shown in the last chapter. Well, I’ll admit it IS kinda poetic how we only see their backs and how it’s implied they live peacefully nowadays, and this closure IS kinda fitting for them, but still, I’m a little salty. Another thing I felt was missing was a note about Touka. I was really looking forward to learning where she ended up, other than being a mother and a wife. I mean, it’s still amazing that she was blessed enough to be able to have a normal life with her family, but the girl also wanted to do things. So yeah, it’s another thing that I hope will be added in the volume version.

Other than that.... I think pretty much everyone else was mentioned, but then again, I am not a machine and I’m pretty sure I’m forgetting a lot of characters already, so I’ll just talk about what really made me happy personally. I really liked how the narrator of this chapter was Hide, it allowed for a kind of outside look at the very end of the story. It wouldn’t be the same if it were Kaneki who was narrating, and anyway, having slept for weeks, he wouldn’t even be able to tell us the full story of the events that took place right after the Dragon war. Hide was the perfect choice for the narrator, because he’s so involved with everyone and everything. We even got Hide’s very summarized backstory, and although I believe he deserved to be exposed more thoroughly much earlier, I’m thankful Ishida didn’t completely forget about it, and that he told us basically all we needed to know. It would’ve been nice to know more, since Hide is one of the main characters, he could’ve been given a more meaningful backstory, but as it stands now, it seems that his story isn’t really crucial to his character or the series overall, so I guess I’ll take it. One thing that made me extremely happy about Hide’s ending is that he’s literally travelling and changing the world, he’s like some kind of hero history books will talk about. That’s the ending Hide deserved! And DAMN, he deserved to stay Kaneki’s friend for the rest of his life! They’re finally together, and together they’ll stay, and my heart is so full right now! Oh and another thing. I’m pretty sure the part of the translation where it says Hide was adopted by fatherS was just a typo or a mistranslation, since there is no plural form of nouns in the Japanese language (so you can’t always tell if it’s father or fathers), but it was nice believing Hide had gay dads for a while, even if it was a short while lol rip.

I like what Tsukiyama ended up doing, he’s helping rebuild the society and his family, basically being super important and leading the entire ghoulkind, more or less. The boy will go down in history! I knew he had it in him, his character growth has been incredible, and he’s finally getting the recognition he deserves! But I still think wedding planning would’ve been the ideal career choice for him.... Also, the way he spoils Touken’s daughter later in the chapter is ADORABLE! And he has different hairstyles in these two scenes, I like the second one better. And there’s Banjou, awww he’s also a really important figure now, I’m happy for him! Old man Marude got a new hairstyle too, and a beard, why am I not surprised? And he’s still the boss, so that’s cool. Ah, Kiyoko being such a forever single mood lmao. Ui boy’s doing his best and I am proud of him, but he’s missing his girlfriend rip... As for Hirako, damn, the boy looks so distant, I hope he’s doing ok. Well, he’s finally living a normal life, even if he’s detaching himself from his comrades. And wow Yusa really out here at the top of his game, both his career and his looks, damn.

The Qs also got their own satisfactory endings, I believe. I nearly sobbed at Urie searching for Shirazu’s body, this boy’s amazing development and how he constantly goes back to Shirazu in his mind has seriously cost me a few years of life. And then him visiting Shirazu’s grave, with Shirazu’s sister there! I was hoping to see her, we finally know what her condition is, and can sleep peacefully knowing Shirazu would be so incredibly happy that she’s all up and healthy again! It’s kinda sad how Mutsuki seems to not be around as much, but at least he chose his own path that hopefully fulfills him. And it’s super sweet how he sends Touka apples, like I was totally not expecting that, but I am so glad they are on good terms now and Mutsuki is doing much better emotionally and mentally. Also, I was totally expecting like a Moment™ between Mutsuki and Urie but I guess not lol... I don’t really like actively ship it, but I like their relationship, they could have gotten more of a wrap-up, so there’s that I guess... And then there’s Saiko, who has just... become so beautiful? Like what the hell, she’s just so gosh darn pretty? And is apparently living her best life, so you go Saiko! And she’s such a CUTIE when they’re visiting Touken family, calling Touka “mama-wife” and everything, baby you are my ANGEL!

And then comes the Suzuya squad, and they’re all doing fantastic, bless. And then Suzuya and Shinohara and I jUST! I’ve been waiting for this scene for so long, and I am SO glad it didn’t just happen off-panel during the timeskip! We actually got to see it, got to experience it first-hand, the full emotional impact of it! And let me tell you, this is the scene that FINALLY made me sob! Wtf so many years of suffering paid off, and Suzuya crying at the top of his lungs, but out of happiness, paralleling that panel where he was crying out of despair in Part 1 of the manga? I’M CRYING! AND THEN! Suzuya’s also like the literal star of this whole TSC project, YOU GO LITTLE MAN! AND THEN! And then Naki and Miza, and just... WOW! Miza, how much D can you even take?? NINE KIDS??? I mean good for you, I love you both, but DAMN! Man, I’m just so happy they’re both alive, I seriously thought Naki was a goner until a few weeks ago, so seeing him and Miza happily together like this is so surreal. And then we have another very important ship, Nishiki and Kimi, and damn Nishiki is either having a bad hair day or that’s simply a bad haircut lol. Like dude seriously, go back to the fantastic hairstyle you were rocking before. But anyway, I’m so happy seeing him and Kimi together and MARRIED? BLESS! Been waiting for that for literal years! Kimi is doing such an amazing job, helping create a more peaceful society, even though she’s using her boyfriend as test subject in the process lol. LOOK AT MY GIRL CHIE YO! She be going PLACES! SEIDOU! DUDE! Why you gotta be an Edgelord like that, please come back! Well, he’s probably too broken to fit into this new society, so he’s working out ways to live his life the best he can, helping in his own way. But don’t make such a sad face Seidou! I was hoping to see a bit more of him, but I guess we’re not meant to know much. He’s a loner, a mystery even for the readers.

And now... AYAHINA IS CANON MY DUDES! THAT IS ALL! Listen, I don’t even like... hardcore ship it, but it’s just plain obvious, it’s just right THERE! Hinami is playful, Ayato is tsundere, and love is in the air! PEACE! Also, Ayato sure saved his brother-in-law’s ass back there, just like we’d hoped he would, he really does care! Hinami is a teacher *sobs* Kaneki you taught her well, and Ayato’s this cool Main guy, look how far he’s come! I’m just so happy for both of them, I’ve been rooting for these kids for so long, Hinami is finally free from all her burdens and is genuinely Happy, and being Ayato is no longer suffering, can y’all believe??? And then we have Yoriko and Takeomi and a new addition to their family, how precious is that! Now, I would’ve liked for those notes about each character to say something about Yoriko’s relationship with Touka, I mean they were best girlfriends! And their friendship was kinda huge, I think it deserved at least a mention. Just something like “She visits Touka regularly” would’ve been enough. Ishida probably just forgot lol, the poor man, having to think about so many characters and their entire lives, I don’t blame him for just randomly forgetting to include some things. I just think this is one of those things that are kinda hard to forget, considering how meaningful this friendship was for Touka, and how it even played a big role in the final arc of the manga. But hey, maybe there’s hope that it’ll be included in the volume version lol. Or maybe in the omake! Ishida you have the opportunity to give us such pure, domestic omake, you’ve never failed us before, do your magic!

YOMO!!! RIBBONS! YOMO WITH RIBBONS IN HIS HAIR!!!!!! This transcends all the levels of adorable of anything ever! We were right, Yomo is the most doting uncle in existence, and it’s all I ever wanted! And damn, he still bangable af. AND THE SMOL TOUKEN BABY! Well, she’s actually like six now, BUT BABY! THE TOUKEN BABY IS A GIRL is this Ishida spoiling the shippers again? And she looks like a tiny Haise, can y’all believe?! Even Haise practically made a cameo, through this precious child. Amazing. I guess she has no name, so we’ll just keep calling her Pleasure-chan, sorry baby, it’s your parents’ fault. And I guess the Clowns are just doing their thing as usual. Clowns always have the last laugh, so of course this new society has nothing on them, they’re just laughing at everything and gathering for drinking games on Friday nights. Uta is still the Sasuke to Yomo’s Naruto, I guess some things never change.

AND THEN TOUKA MY LOVE! She looks so pretty, so beautiful, so dazzling, so fresh! I am so happy for her and so proud! She finally has a peaceful home and a happy family she’s always dreamed of having, IT’S WHAT SHE DESERVES! And on top of that, she has all these amazing friends who come to visit her! So many good things for my favorite character, thank you Ishida for my live! Again, I would’ve liked to know more about what she’s doing in life, but I can still hope the omake will tell me that lol. I’m just satisfied knowing she’s living her absolute best life, after struggling so much through life, suffering from such an early age, having to deal with abandonment issues her entire life, and then selflessly waiting, AND IT PAID OFF MY GIRL IT ALL PAID OFF!

AND THEN COMES OUR BOY! OUR BOY! The lonely boy who has gone through so much pain, lived his own tragedy for most of his life, never even imagining he would ever find joy or fulfillment or that he would ever heal. YET HERE HE IS! HERE IS THAT BOY WHO ONLY WANTED TO GO ON A DATE BUT GOT HIS LIFE TURNED UPSIDE DOWN INSTEAD! And now his life is finally, FINALLY fixed and things are OKAY and he is so LOVED and has a FAMILY! And yes, he’s definitely not 100% ok, and he never will be, but he has matured so much and come so far in life, he’s able to at least be at peace with himself and live a somewhat normal life. IT’S WHAT HE DESERVES! Like, I know we were all expecting Kaneki to face the consequences of his actions. From the narrative point of view, it seemed logical. But looking at it now, it wasn’t really necessary. Kaneki’s already learned his lesson. And he’s not living a life free of burdens either. He’s still an active part of the collective effort to recreate the world, and the chapter gave us a glimpse into his mind and his feelings. He is still unsure and conflicted, and it’s frustrating not being able to do anything, but he has to live with it. Finally, Kaneki has to settle for “there are things I cannot do”. He has to settle for a new and different life, and learn to live with himself and everything his actions caused. The consequences follow him every day, in the form of this new conflict. He has already suffered enough, is torturing him more really that necessary, just because he’s “the tragic protagonists”? Characters have gotten away with worse things, just saying. Also, judging from the marks on his face and neck, it seems he’s still having some trouble with his RC levels and healing and stuff, I just hope it doesn’t affect his body in bad ways. I mean he’s damaged his body so many times, it would be unrealistic not to expect consequences, but at least it’s not serious. Otherwise it would’ve been addressed. I mean, judging from Touka’s round tummy, it appears he managed to fill her up yet again, so yeah, he fine. (All the condom jokes can end now, Touka and Kaneki are nothing compared to Naki and Miza.)

In the end, Kaneki’s story ends on a positive, hopeful note, although still somewhat bittersweet. And it pulls the whole narrative, with all the other characters’ individual stories, along with it. The cycle of tragedy is finally broken. And personally, I just couldn’t be happier! I’ve been hoping for this kind of ending for so long, I literally never really wanted a tragic ending! And don’t give me that “Happy ending = Bad ending” NAH! You can’t deny that happy endings can be good if written right! It’s true that the general profile of Tokyo Ghoul screams “TRAGEDY” but that’s exactly why I think this ending is a beautiful twist! You might have expected it, you might have not, but it’s certainly a neat contrast to the rest of the story, but instead of ruining the “vibe” imo it worked unexpectedly well! Now, if your problem doesn’t lie with the type of ending we got, but the execution of it, then I guess we’re just not on the same page lol...

Now, this ending certainly wasn’t 100% happy, which is GREAT, but it’s still very hopeful and kind of bittersweet. All in all, I’d say it’s a beautifully positive closure to an incredibly sad story. It gives a positive message, that things can sometimes work out even if life seems hopeless. We may not always have control over it, but we can damn well do our very best! And it’s not unrealistic, it’s just real life! And it’s not your typical “happily ever after “ type of ending either, because, as I said earlier, the story isn’t actually over! The author simply decided to stop telling it at this particular point. And by teasing some future events, he made this chapter feel not just like an ending, but also a new beginning, a very hopeful one at that. And one that leaves infinite possibilities for potential Part 3, if Ishida ever feels like writing one, though right now I doubt it. I think he’s done with this series, and what an amazing job he’s done, for seven years!

Well, I think that’s probably all I wanted to say lol. My emotions are all over the place and I’m practically slamming my keyboard in excitement right now, so I’m probably forgetting a lot of other thoughts that were going through my mind as I was reading the chapter. But this encapsulates most of it, probably.

Tokyo Ghoul has been one of my main fandoms for four years now, and I’m so thankful for all the time and effort Ishida put into this work! It’s so unique and means a lot to me! It has helped me through some tough times in life (which is probably hard to believe since the story itself is sad but yeah...), so seeing that all the suffering wasn’t in vain, and that it all led to THIS, is just so amazingly fulfilling and satisfying!

Thank you for everything Ishida-sensei, get some rest now!

#tokyo ghoul #tg spoilers #I have #FEELINGS #long post #excuse any typos I wrote this in life 15 minutes #I'm easy to please lol

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xellzios · 7 years ago

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Lifetime: Lost Love

Lifetime: Lost Love || Love Found

Disclaimer: A Kenference of some sort, a little throwback to Touka and Ken’s evolving relationship through some of the most iconic scenes in the manga. It is a two-part series and the titles should give you an idea on what to expect. Hope you enjoy. Thank you so much @hamliet for being awesome and to @mamasaiko for helping me read through the manga!

These were the instrumentals I listened to while making this: [x], [x], [x], [x]

Words: 9451 (I cannot seem to make anything under 5,000. The combined two parts is about 15,000+)

Rating: Angst, Drama

PREVIEW:

Kuro: “If you died, Touka-chan, I would probably be… sad.”

Shiro: “I wonder why.”

240: “Useless, pathetic. Couldn’t save, couldn’t do anything.”

Haise: “It’s delicious, it really is.”

Reaper: “You’re a cruel one, Touka.”

I. It started with a worried touch on her shoulder – one she never expected, one that made her world take a turn.

“If you died, Touka-chan, I would probably be… sad.”

She felt her heart skip a beat. Maybe it was the way he said it – the sincere, melancholic tone of his voice as he uttered every word. Maybe it was the way his eyes looked down in surrender and dejection. And yet, even after all her taunts and jabs, she could see that there was a small part of his actions which pleaded her to reconsider.

Because he cared.

He was just a brat that was thrust into this world, who now suffered the consequences of being a ghoul. He was someone who called her a monster, someone whose ass she had to save a couple of times as he walked into the darkest alley of the world. He was just another person who never felt the hardships that ghouls had to go through.

And yet, he chose to go with her and offered her a kind smile.

Slowly, he bent down to her level and used one of his legs to support his weight. He proceeded on lifting up the sleeves of her uniform to tend to her injury. And then he worked silently, even getting disinfectants out of a small medical box to tend to her. Touka allowed him to, looking away in the opposite direction as a faint blush crept on her face.

Ken Kaneki’s words didn’t dare leave her thoughts as he worked on her wounds.

All her life, there had been no one who accepted her as a ghoul, except her fellow kin. All her life, even though all she wanted was to live peacefully, she had to face the harsh reality of what being a ghoul entailed. Her mother died because they were hunted, leaving her father in endless misery as he could never come to terms with her death. In turn, he too had to suffer the consequences of his actions and she was left alone to take care of her brother. They were forced out of their home, hunted like animals and had to live by themselves in the streets. Life had been cruel and even when she thought that it would finally get better after meeting the manager, her brother had to disappear in his quest to get stronger.

One by one, all the people she cared for, all the people she loved, disappeared from her life.

For someone to tell her that she was significant, that her life was precious in his own way made her feel like maybe, maybe living wouldn’t be so bad at all even for a ghoul like her. For him to reach out to her, to reassure her that she mattered – for him to choose to stand by her, even though he already knew the dangers she would be facing from now on? It was enough to tell her that maybe he wasn’t bad after all.

“There, it’s all cleaned up,” Kaneki told her, rolling the sleeves of her uniform back down. He looked at his handy work, a satisfied smile erupting on his lips and then he directed the warmth of that smile to her. “Does it hurt?”

”N-no,” Touka’s cheeks flushed, her eyes not daring to look at his as she stared at the ground.

Kaneki was pleased with her response, knowing that she would never really say anything besides that. He stood up, smoothening his pants before he reached out a hand towards her to help her stand.

It made her divert her gaze at the small garbage can that was present at the back of the café instead, heart racing as her mind was flooded with questions. “Why are you sticking your nose in my business?”

She wanted to know if he was just being kind because she was injured, if it was just his personality to be like this. She wanted to validate the sincerity in his voice when he told her those words. “Because I care about you,” he muttered, his hand still reaching out for her to take, his voice laced with surprise. “I want to help you.”

“Why?”

Why would someone like him care about the plight of a ghoul? For all she knew, he could still lead a normal life as a half-breed. He had an identity as a human, had been a part of them. For someone like him who treated them like monsters, what caused him to change?

“Do I need a reason to care about you, Touka-chan?” Kaneki asked as he drew his hand back and opted to sit next to her instead. “You’re a dear person to me.”

She looked at him, eyes wide and mouth agape at his words. He was looking at the floor and yet his eyes showed a wistful look at he contemplated what to say. “You’re kind and strong,” he looked at his hand as he counted, beaming, “you care a lot and let’s see,” he stopped, “you saved me and made me see the world in a different view, along with the manager and everyone.”

There was a huge truth in that, because Ken Kaneki knew that if it wasn’t for this experience, he would never have realized how much he valued them and his time here, how much more he wanted to help them and walk by their side. It was the first time he felt like this, it was the first time he found a place he belonged. He looked at her and grinned, “I still don’t think killing is the way to make Hinami-chan happy, but you living and being there for her will.”

“I’m a murderer,” she muttered once more, hugging both of her legs and resting her chin on them. The reality of the words made her sick. “I don’t deserve to live.”

“All of us were given a life, it’s our right.” He sighed loud enough for her to hear, “for us, you are Touka, nothing more and nothing less.”

It was in that moment that her perception of him changed, the exact moment where she vowed to keep living because she realized the truth in his words.

It was in that moment that Ken Kaneki had saved Touka Kirishima for the first time.

II. It drifted apart with words muttered out of spite – as the unspoken words from the heart were left unsaid, feelings which would get buried in time memoriam.

“Why did you have to change?”

Touka could feel her voice breaking with every word that came out of her mouth. All of her loneliness, all of her heartbreak – they have now been thrust with force into the punches she had jabbed in his face.

She wished it wouldn’t have to be like this, wished that they would’ve met under other circumstances. She knew he had been suffering, carrying the burden alone after all this time. All she wanted was to tell him that she was still here, that she had been waiting for him to come back – and yet she had spilled all her anger and resentment of the world in his face.

She almost didn’t hear want to hear it anymore – the voice that was deeply entwined with sadness, the voice of a soul who lost himself and had no idea on how to come back. She didn’t want to because she had no idea if she would ever get him back from it.

There was always the lingering feeling of guilt, of not being strong enough to prevent this, of not being there to protect him and save him before he had to suffer such terrible lengths. It wasn’t even his fault that he became a one-eyed ghoul. Every day, her regret would eat her as she realized what she had lost that day when Aogiri decided to investigate Anteiku. It was the same day Touka saw her brother again – Ayato had grown and yet his hatred was still strong as ever, choosing instead to hate the world that had once forsaken them. It was then when she realized once again what she had lost, not knowing what she was about to lose.

She mourned the fact that she had lost Kaneki entirely – his whole being enveloped with the despair and solitude that continued to feast on his soul. Had she been strong enough then maybe, he would have still been there – working at the café with the rest of them. She wouldn’t have had to see Hinami’s sad and lonely eyes that only lit up whenever she saw them, wouldn’t have had to experience her helplessness whenever they would talk about Kaneki. It was always heartbreaking to see loved ones suffer – no one deserved this – not him, not Hinami, not anyone really.

If it wasn’t for that day, she would also never have had to experience being torn apart by the fact that this man underneath her was a person she loved – changed by the world and all the circumstances around him, changed by the fact that he became a ghoul.

Where did those kind, gentle eyes go to? Where did his smile disappear? What did they do to him that he had to change and burden himself more with everything that wasn’t even inside his control? How could she even think of saving him from it, how could she even lift up his misery? She wished she could wash away all his pain, all his misery, and fight his darkness with him.

But she knew the answer – she couldn’t because he wouldn’t have allowed her to, and it pained her in every possible way.

Tears fell from her eyes as she held onto his shirt, clutching it tightly. All her regret had pooled into these tears she had tried to keep at bay all this time, all the feelings she had wanted to say spilling their depths into her eyes.

She gritted her teeth to control the intensity of her sobs. She had held onto his promise – a promise that said that he wouldn’t leave her alone, a promise that she had valued more than she thought of. She was tired of losing everyone she loved just because they were ghouls, she was tired of having to live this kind of life just because of who they were.

This was why she hated this life and resigned to the fact that she too never deserved to live – because they were treated like scums – monsters who were thought to have chosen this way of life. She detested this with every part of her being and yet she couldn’t do anything about it, choosing instead to live the life she was given but was prepared to die at any given time.

And yet, with his words, she was able to find solace on who she was – not because she was a ghoul, but because of who she was, a person whom he deemed worthy of living. It pained her that the circumstances have changed, that should she let him go, she was afraid she would never see him again. All she wanted was to have him back.

All she wanted was to save him.

“It didn’t have to be like this,” she muttered, mostly to herself as she let go of him. Her heart had shattered into a million pieces as she realized what she had done. Helplessly, she walked away.

Her footsteps were slow and heavy as she wished she could turn back to tell him to stay with her, to return. But she had already stammered words that were born due to her frustration, had already done a damage so severe. She wished she didn’t, wished that she told him instead to come back.

So she walked away – away from the bridge that had brought them together at last, away from the person whom she had tried to reach out to, her heart beating as loudly as the sound of her tears.

“I wonder why,” he choked, but she couldn’t hear anymore. Kaneki couldn’t stand up, did not have the energy to even lift a finger as he touched his aching cheeks. His eyes were hollow as his soul as he realized he had lost his place to belong to once more.

III. It was thought to have ended up in a dream – where he was comforted by her presence, where he was kept sane by her existence, even if he didn’t remember.

He was crying again.

“Number 240, feeding time.” The warden said gently, prompting a ghoul whose eyes were hidden in a pile of torn and bloody bandages to run to the jail door and scream.

“LET ME OUT, LET ME OUT,” he bellowed on the top of his lungs, fingernails digging at the thick, cold steel of the door’s metal framework with a screech. He couldn’t see, yet he kept looking around in a frantic fashion – mumbling non-sense about saving people. “I DON’T NEED IT, PLEASE LET ME OUT.”

The warden stepped back, his eyes locked with the dangerous ghoul’s form. They always had different shifts, it all depended on the day. For some reason, he never minded it when he was scheduled in this area, because he pitied him. Most of the other people on duty hated it when they were assigned here. But for him, the man looked like he was in serious pain, as if his mere existence alone was causing him to suffer.

Every day, the warden would hear him shout like this when it was time to give him meals. Every day, he would scream how useless he was, how powerless and helpless he felt. Sometimes, he would catch him as he mumbled names upon names incoherently, clutching his heart. It felt as if he was blaming himself for failing people, going as far as mutilating his own body to ease a little bit of a pain so raw that it never left.

There would be blood on the door, on the walls – and sometimes he would bathe in his own pool of crimson.

He was no. 240, the SS-rated ghoul.

“Waaaaaaah,” he bellowed, scraping his cheeks from the force he exerted. “Who am I? I am… me, me, me!” He sprinted towards the other side of the room when there was no more response, and the warden observed how quick he was to clutch both of his legs as he rocked himself back and forth. “Useless, pathetic.” He was on the left corner now, clutching his head with both hands as he cried, “Couldn’t save, couldn’t do anything.”

The wardens of Cochlea would always talk about him – about how deranged he was, about how he never failed to scream at the top of his lungs. Sometimes, a specific word would trigger him to stop, and he would lie on the bed and hug himself. He would utter gibberish words they could not comprehend – and when it was time to clean his room the next day, they could see the tears of blood that stained the otherwise white, linen cloth they used as bed covers.

“It’s okay, you’re safe,” he whispered suddenly, one day. He didn’t know what prompted him to do this, didn’t know if it would have a consequence – all he knew was that even this person needed someone to comfort him. The ghoul looked up to the sound of his voice, still clutching both of his legs.

It was as if he stared at the warden’s soul. The warden could read his curiosity even with his bandaged eyes, could tell that he was searching for him. Both of them were silent for a while, as 240 tried to locate the sound of the voice. Sometimes, he would hold one hand forward, as if expecting someone to reach out to him. The warden never did though, so he put his head down in surrender.

And then, out of nowhere, he uttered words serenely.

“She said that,” 240 spoke tenderly, his lips producing a small smile as he rested his chin in his arms.

“Who did?” the warden asked, curious about the change in behavior that the ghoul elicited today. It was the first time he heard him talk coherently without resulting in violence. She must be important.

“She did,” he whispered gently, “she said she will be here with me, she said she believes in me.”

A small smile formed on the corner of his mouth. It seemed that even for ghouls such as him, there were people who were left behind, people they love whom they couldn’t even see because they were stuck in this prison. This ghoul must be missing a loved one. “Do you miss her?”

240’s brows furrowed, one hand reaching for his forehead. He clutched his hair. “I can’t remember her,” he started panicking, his breath ragged and his heart racing. “AAAAAAAHHHH! AAAHHHH! I need to – I need to – don’t leave me! AAAAHHHH!”

He couldn’t imagine what she looked like, couldn’t imagine the color of her eyes. He felt like he was always needed to chase after her, that if he didn’t keep thinking about her and didn’t run after her, he would lose her.

Like everyone else, really. “Please… don’t leave me.”

For once, he felt hopeless – consumed by the fact that all he had of her was a memory that would soon be forgotten. She had been his sanity over the last couple of months, had been his only source of comfort. 240 rocked himself back and forth, helpless and alone – feeling empty and forgotten.

He could feel a hand placed on his shoulder and briefly, he wondered who it was. He looked up, but with the wounds and bandages in his eyes, he couldn’t really see anything now, could he? Yet the warmth felt familiar – it was something he craved for, something he had longed ever since he came here. There was no voice, no sound that came from anywhere, yet he knew there was someone there. Then he remembered a warm smile, a gentle voice calling out his name. He hugged himself, smiling at the tenderness created by that person’s presence. It felt like she was there, consoling him, telling him it would be alright.

He couldn’t even remember what she looked like, couldn’t even recall why she was important. Yet her presence alone had been the bane of his existence – the one that kept him together, the one that kept him warm. It was the reason why he would cry at times, but also the reason why he would feel like he wasn’t alone.

Alas, today he dreamt – of the times a black-haired boy was mixing coffee on a café while a girl stood watch, a girl whose deep blue eyes mesmerized his soul. He dreamt of her comforting presence as his head was on her lap, as she caressed his hair – as he fell asleep. Her presence was soothing, her fiery nature calming. ‘Tou – ka.’

And as the warden left him alone in his cell, fast asleep with a peaceful look on his face – he couldn’t help but wish that even in the dream, he would be reunited with his loved ones, at the least – even if it meant he had to cry tears of red.

IV. It was found again with a touch of hands – the language of which had been lost for a while, forgotten within the depths of time.

“This fragrance, the shop will surely have some good coffee,” a voice, so familiar and yet so distant entered the shop she had been managing for a few years. Somehow, it made her heart skip a beat. Somehow, it made her remember a certain person whom she had missed dearly.

“My nose kagune is whispering that to me,” the man chirped to one of his friends.

“Nose kagune?” another voice asked, clearly curious and amused. The person probably was entertained with the man’s antics.

“Amazing RC cells,” another man retorted, chuckling.

She couldn’t see who they were, and yet she wondered if they were ghouls as they kept talking. The familiar voice spoke in a way that made her feel hesitant to greet them, a hand clutching her heart as she realized how long it had been. Touka Kirishima was afraid, to be honest. A part of her wanted to move and see who was speaking, wanted to hope that he had finally returned home; and yet a part of her did not want her hopes up only for it to be extinguished once again – it was tired and draining to do so, yet she could never give up even after all these years.

She lifted her head to look at Yomo and realized that he too, had been staring at the newcomers. His expression was hard to read at first, as he always kept his composure. But when he did finally see them clearly, his eyes widened, lips parting at the sight. Was she even ready? She had been waiting all this time, but she didn’t know what she needed to do to brace her wits.

With a sigh, she gathered her resolved as she saw Yomo’s shocked expression looking at the newcomers, indicating that it might really have been that someone they knew and lost, someone who now made his way back to them. She wanted to make sure she smiled at him, enough for him to know that she had always believed.

“Hey,” she shouted nervously at Yomo, using humor to keep her feelings at bay, a diversion she couldn’t allow to pass up. Her voice sounded anxious and strained even to her ear, and she only hoped no one would notice as she took her tentative steps towards them. “How many times do I have to tell you to greet our customers?”

His eyes blinked, a look of surprise marring his otherwise gleeful face, widening at the sight of her. There was a certain familiarity in her presence, as he felt his heart tug dangerously in his chest. He wanted to know what triggered these feelings, as he suddenly felt an intense sadness welling in the pit of his stomach. She smiled at them, and yet he couldn’t help but notice how much she might have been mirroring his own reaction – disbelief, shock, and familiarity. Unlike him though, with a snap of a finger, she returned to being a friendly manager, as she asked for their orders.

In a heartbeat, Haise Sasaki’s mood suddenly plummeted to the ground. He didn’t know why, had no logical explanation why such a beautiful woman triggered these intense feelings. He suddenly felt so hollow and lonely as he took a seat, his subordinates staring curiously at the sudden change of the mood.

Why? He did not understand this feeling, and yet it was as if he had found something important – a part of a jigsaw puzzle, a part of him that had been missing, even if he didn’t know why. But he felt like it was out of his reach.

As she jotted down their individual orders, Touka couldn’t help but bite the inside of her cheeks as she tried to keep her emotions at bay. There was something different about this man, and yet there was no mistaking that he was the same person she had been waiting for all these years.

When she turned her back, it took all her willpower not to crumble apart.

His warm gray eyes and kind smile, the way he looked at her and the way he carried himself – all the memories she had of him suddenly flashed back in silent recognition. She closed her eyes as she willed her heart to still. Slowly, she returned to the counter, using it as a leverage to hold her up as she left the three customers to Yomo’s care. She almost dropped whatever she was holding because she felt her legs turn into jelly.

For the first time in three years, she finally felt herself give in.

It was surreal really, to see him again. He was a completely different person and seemed to be one of the doves now, judging from the coat he was wearing. Somehow, it made her sad if he somehow didn’t remember them at all. And yet, as she touched the small cups and prepared their coffee, all she could think of was how glad she was that he was here, that he was alive. She concocted his drink with such tenderness and familiarity, her eyes staring down as the liquid whirled slowly into the cup. She hoped that somehow, this would give him a sense of home and would feel the joy she felt right now. And that if he didn’t remember, he would at least feel that it was prepared with love from people who do love him and had waited for him after all this time. If Hinami and the manager were here, they would’ve been overjoyed to see him as well.

While thinking about this, she didn’t realize how her tears already made their way down her cheeks.

“Are you sure you’re okay? I can do it for you,” Yomo asked as he returned, his expression betraying the worry in his face.

“No, I want to do it, I’ve waited all this time,” she laughed hopelessly, looking at the coffee cups as she wiped off her tears. She knew he had good intentions, she knew the underlying message of why he didn’t want her to be hurt.

But he didn’t know how much it brought her immense relief, as if a huge cross she always carried in her heart was suddenly removed. She thought that time had erased her prayers, and yet seeing him stand before her was like a wish she never known would come true. As she loaded the cups into the tray and went out of the counter, she remembered how Yomo stared at him gravely, his eyes focused as he studied him – as if silently asking if he remembered them.

She had to smile sadly, because she thought that no matter how cruel it was for him to stumble here and not remember, maybe, just maybe, it would be better that way. She was just happy he was finally here with them – even just by mere presence, even if not totally, she would accept it.

“Sorry for the wait,” she smiled at the trio, vaguely noticing the orange-haired man’s excited face and how their green-haired companion anticipated her. One by one, she carefully unloaded the coffee she had painstakingly prepared into the table for them to enjoy.

“It’s a great smell,” Touka heard him say, as he inhaled the warm scent of coffee beans and smiled at his companions. They gently picked up their respective cups and did the same, relishing the inviting aroma with appreciation.

There was something in this coffee which Haise Sasaki found precious. It smelled of roasted beans and citrus, along with a floral scent that sent his heart beating with the air of nostalgia. Somehow, he felt like after all these years of searching, all these years of pining for the perfect blend, he might have finally found it.

Tooru Mutsuki stared in wonder as he took his first sip, reveling in delight. It interrupted Haise’s thoughts while he waited patiently for his feedback. “Whoa, delicious!” He started wide-eyed at his cup, seemingly overjoyed.

The other one, Shirazu Ginshi laughed, patting him on the shoulder. “It’s a bull’s eye! and Sassan’s nose kagune ain’t shit either. Right?”

He beamed gratefully at his companions and then stared at his own cup, marveling at his reflection in the dark liquid. As he lifted it up and took the first sip, a plethora of emotions overcame him. The coffee tasted complex as the fusion of its qualities melded in his mouth – it was sweet and fruity, rich and warm; qualities that exploded in his tongue. Somehow, it felt like he was closer to who he really was after tasting it. And oh god, the emotions given on how it was prepared – he could feel them in his heart, could imagine the manager’s movements as she made the blends. It felt warm and gentle, like someone welcoming you back after a hard day’s work. The scent was so inviting that it drew him towards it, towards a warmth he had missed, but could not quite understand. He could feel a great love and longing mixed with the taste, as if someone had been waiting and finally found him.

He felt like he found himself as he finally, finally realized how fruitful years of searching for the perfect blend had been. It felt like he was welcomed somewhere after years of being lost and tears quietly rolled down his face at the notion. The coffee did taste like home.

“Ahaha, yeah it’s good,” Shirazu hollered, amused. “Sassan, that’s too much! Is this some kind of a joke?”

Touka heard them admiring how tasty the coffee was and the sound of the man’s flabbergasted tone from where she watched near the counter. She smiled at Yomo in silent reassurance and he just gave her a small smirk, trusting she could handle her own as he went back to work. She was happy and proud that they loved it, because she did pour her heart out into making it.

“N-no, it’s strange,” he stammered, head down as he stared at his cup. “I wonder what this is.”

Was he crying?

It felt bizarre, and yet it suddenly warmed her heart to know that somehow, they were still alive in his. She was happy to know that her feelings reached him – that even if he didn’t remember, they were undeniably still a part of him.

Unknowingly, she started walking towards them and reached out to pull something out of her pockets. For a brief moment, she felt the warmth of his life as their hands touch and she couldn’t help but be grateful. She handed him a handkerchief – that even if she couldn’t comfort him, the least she could do was to help him to take them away. He offered his own doleful smile at her, gratefully accepting. “Ah, I’m sorry,” he mumbled, cheeks flushed as he wiped his tears. “It’s delicious, it really is.”

“Thank you,” she responded, giving him a smile, a smile that looked a little troubled and a bit sad – a smile of one who waited and believed in him, someone who he couldn’t even remember.

Maybe it was how she carried herself or how she spoke to him. Maybe it was how much he loved her coffee, or how comforted he felt by her presence.

Whatever the reason was, it made Haise Sasaki keep coming back to :re.

There was a certain familiarity with it, a certain nostalgia that consoled him. He had never thought that a place would have such a profound effect that would leave him yearning.

But it did.

He went back for a second time, then a third and onward. He did this when he was stressed and had to get away, choosing the solace provided by the café. After his interrogation with Donato Porpora with regards to S-rated Serpent, it shook him to the core. He chose to take refuge in the café and there, he was able to appreciate the manager’s kindness the most – she even told him that he could read as much as he wanted whenever he would visit.

There was something about her that made Haise’s heart skip a beat.

He didn’t know if it was her kindness or her gentle disposition. He didn’t know if it was the way she made his coffee exquisitely or the way she spoke to him with such familiarity. Or was it because he felt like she reminded him of someone? He didn’t know.

All he knew was she was beautiful, that her eyes had this certain charm in them that drew him in. They had a certain maturity in them, like they belonged to a person who had experienced a lot in life and yet chose to smile. He loved talking to her – she would always let him ramble, was always willing to listen to his day. So today, on his day off, he was back in :re, his heart looking forward to meeting her once again.

He walked briskly, maneuvering the busy street with such ease until he saw the familiar sign. He took off his coat and entered, surprised to see the manager sitting in one of the tables, her eyes wistful as they looked down at her coffee. She was wearing her familiar apron, both of her hands firmly wrapped on the cup she was holding. He found the sight precious, because he rarely saw her in this state, let alone see her contemplative look – yet he felt like he wanted no more than to comfort her.

There was no one around as it was still quite early. She seemed not to have noticed him quietly entering the café as well so he cleared his throat, gently snapping her out of her reverie as she attempted to stand up.

“Ah, no, don’t worry about it,” he muttered timidly, putting both hands on her shoulders to usher her to get back on her seat. “I just thought I’d rouse you from your deep thoughts.”

Haise gave her a nervous smile, scratching the back of his head. He didn’t know if what he did was right, wishing that the manager wouldn’t get angry at him. She stared at him in wonder, her cheeks tinted with a pink blush as she realized what just occurred.

“I’m sorry,” she apologized, returning his smile, “I didn’t think you’d come by to the shop this early. Usually, you’d drop off during afternoons.”

“Don’t worry about it,” he chuckled, sitting next to her, “I got fired from a calendar factory so it’s my day off. I thought I’d drop by before it gets busy.”

She laughed a bit at his joke, even though it was embarrassingly corny. He just wanted to cheer her up though, and seeing that it worked made him feel a little bit better. Hopefully, it did.

“I’d get you your usual if you want?” she offered, standing up once again.

“Only if you’d join me,” he grinned.

A few minutes later, she came back with another tray of coffee and sat beside him. He thanked her for the cup and they started talking about his job in the CCG and his love for books. It was quite easy to talk to her about it, even though he didn’t know her that much. He told her about being a squad leader to a rumbustious bunch, that he hadn’t been on the job for long but he was happy where he was.

Somehow, he also noticed the seemingly distant look in her eyes as she listened to his stories, along with the sad smile that never dared leave her lips. And yet, she listened to him attentively anyway and asked questions when necessary.

“This coffee is amazing, it’s part of my daily grind,” he chuckled as he took a sip of his coffee, looking at the books. “You know, I’ve been touring coffee shops around the city for as long as I can remember.”

Haise looked down at his reflection solemnly, smiling as he finally told her about his pastime. He didn’t know why he wanted to tell her this, but he at least wanted to give her reassurance that this had been his favorite so far – nothing else came close actually. “It has always been my hobby, but lately I stopped after I found :re.”

The manager’s smile brightened a little at his comment and there was a hint of sparkle in her eyes as she stirred her coffee, “We wanted to make sure that everyone who visited felt at home, that’s what this café meant for us.”

“Is there a history to that?” he asked curiously, his focus shifting to her.

The manager looked at him thoughtfully and smiled before turning her attention back to her cup. There was a certain sadness in her gaze that caught him off-guard and made his stomach churn. “This cafe is a place to return to, for people who are lost who want to go back.”

He didn’t know what she went through, could probably never offer her the comfort she needed. But she was probably waiting for someone and his heart somersaulted at the thought. Even so, he reached out to her and squeezed her hand, surprising her. Even if it was to offer just a little comfort, he’d do it just to see her smile. “Thank you for building it for us.”

It was when he said that, that Touka, the manager of :re, realized how much he still meant to her. She gave him a smile, trying to hold back tears. It made all her and Yomo’s hard work in building :re worth it. It also made her feel like her stomach was crawling with butterflies. His touch was warm and gentle, just like how he used to be. But it was his kind smile that made her want to tear up because nothing else mattered more to her at the moment.

She wanted no more than to tell him about the said person, about how much he meant to her. And yet, her throat was parched and unable to speak words, like always. She promised herself that she would learn to let him go, be content that he was happy where he was.

She did not want to thrust him again into their world, having been burnt at the consequences of what it did to him. Back then, she was unable to save him, was unable to do anything at all to bring him back. And now that she found him, all she wanted was to watch from the distance as he lived his life – watch him smile as his eyes lit up, watch him enjoy the books he loved. It was her wish, had always been her wish to see him happy.

And yet, her heart screamed for him to remember – to remember them, to remember her. She wanted him to recall the moments they spent together, wanted him to remember his promise to her. Her heart cried silently, with no one there to notice.

When Haise Sasaki finally said goodbye, Yomo went out and walked towards Touka, who used the nearby countertop to steady her wobbly legs. It was hard for her to continue this whole charade, he knew. Never in a million years had he dreamt of a reunion such as this, much more for him to suddenly keep popping up as much as he wanted. He knew it hurt Touka to look at him only at a distance, even if all she wanted was to wish for his happiness.

“A part of me always hoped for him to remember,” she told him, dark blue eyes glazed in silent reminisce. When he told her those words today, it was as if something snapped inside her. “How selfish am I that all I wanted for him was to be happy, and yet I also wanted to be included in that happiness?”

It was the first time Yomo held his niece like this in his arms, and it was the first time Touka leaned into the touch. He didn’t have any words to give, any reassurance that he thought would help. He hoped as well that somehow, even if he didn’t remember, even if he would never remember – they would find each other again.

She did build a home for him to return to, after all.

V. It left off with hopeful words muttered from her lips – one which he found cruel as his fate, one he wanted to hold onto.

There was a certain darkness that he never knew existed, a part of him that was stained with blood red markings he would never get rid of. And as he stared at the cold floor where his bed lied, he couldn’t help but clench his teeth in annoyance. He grasped strands of his dark, raven hair and closed his eyes.

As soon as he remembered who he was, he had lost faith in what he had become.

How could he? He had seen both sides, had felt happiness in both parts of the world. And yet, as he was a part of both sides, he also belonged to neither – an existential mess, a wandering soul whose quest of death had made him forget that he needed to live. And finally remembering everything, he felt trapped in an endless nightmare – consumed by the darkness that had enveloped his soul.

He remembered the humans who have died in his hands, those who had to suffer in his quest to find out who he was and what he lived for, and to protect his selfish desires. Fellow CCG officials who had families and loved ones, comrades in arms who died in the line of duty. He had experienced the grief of the people he cared about here – his family. They had given him the life he never knew he would be capable of living, a life which made his path take a turn towards a temporary happiness. It was with them that he felt the joy of what having a family entailed – the laughter they shared, the mundane things he was able to share with them, the joy of seeing them. Had he not lost that day with the same man he now viewed as his father, could he have experienced this?

In his life as a ghoul, his eyes were opened to the warmth and cruelty that was present in both. He couldn’t blame them – the world had made them suffer because of who they were and how they were born, and some of them returned the same gift as they lived in the misery and anguish that their lives had entailed. He was tortured, he saw fellow ghouls die by his hands and at the hands of their kin. It was absurd, twisted, despicable – yet it was the way of their world.

And yet, he too had felt the warmth like no other in his time there. It was there where his eyes had been opened on how humane ghouls could be, how they struggled just to live – of the loved ones they had lost, of the rights they continued to keep losing. Even so, some of them continued to be kind – not even sparing the world an ounce of hatred, only grief to what they have lost and sadness on what they needed to do to continue living. It was with these people that he saw how much one smiled even though it hurt, how much strength they had even though they thought they couldn’t endure. It was through them that he saw a ray of light, of an unparalleled compassion that even though life gave them the darkest hours, they continued to be human.

Lives upon lives lost – a mother’s last moment, giving her child a smile like no other as she wished for her to live; a sister’s last hope as she stroked her beloved brother’s face; a father’s love buried in the past because of sins he couldn’t atone for, as he waited for his daughter to come home; ghouls who sacrificed their lives for the people they loved, even if it meant being killed just for his sake.

How could he have let this happen? How had he forgotten this?

Even he had been saved by a person he cared for, had been given life as another sacrificed herself just to make sure he lived. She knew the consequences – she knew she might have been killed for doing so, she knew there would have been no escape, and yet Hinami Fueguchi chose to save him and accepted whatever would come right after. And for that, she had suffered at their hands.

His sweet, caring younger sister who lost a lot at a young age and continued losing, continued suffering for the sake of her loved ones. How could he have failed her? How could he have failed everyone once again? How much wrong would he be capable of doing? He wished he had the strength like her.

He wouldn’t, couldn’t face them now – especially her.

Remembering her ever tired eyes that were always downcast whenever he would visit, how she tried to smile and act strong like she was okay when she was in front of him – he finally realized how much hell he had made her go through and it brought a feeling of anger for himself.

It was too much for him to bear, too hard to even remember.

By now, he felt nauseous to his stomach, his heart racing and his mind reeling from the memories that resurfaced into his soul. He could taste metallic blood in his lips as he bit the inside of his cheek, could feel the pull of his hand in his scalp as his ragged breath and heavy heart tore him apart.

He was a monster – not a ghoul, not a human, but a monster.

And yet, even a monster remembered gentle eyes and a welcoming smile who always waited, always saved him. How cruel was it that in his darkest, he only had to think of her and his heart would draw back in hurt and anguish instead of anger? Even as he lied on the cold floor of Cochlea, it was through her that he found comfort and peace, even if it was just in a delusion.

How much had he made her suffer, he wondered? If she found out it was his fault that a loved one had been captured, she would never forgive him. All his hopes of going home had now been burnt into ashes, he could never even dare see her again after he had failed.

He remembered the ghouls he had slaughtered, the families he had killed as Haise. How many of them have had loved ones he had taken? How many of them were now in grief because he had chosen to kill for the sake of humans? How much more could his heart endure, how much more did he have to be torn, he wondered?

He had to atone for his sins, for hurting the loved ones he had once vowed to protect once he became strong. The thought that he had failed them, not only once but twice, sent shivers down his spine. ‘How could I have managed such feat as a loser?’ he laughed bitterly. His selfish desire had brought him nothing but strife as he took all his burden alone.

Was all this what his strength entailed? Did all these lives lost for the sake of his ambition only amount to this? It was petty.

His soul was wrapped in all his betrayals – no matter how much he wanted to disregard it, no matter where he went. And even if he wanted nothing more than to correct this, no matter how much he wanted to turn back time as his heart shattered in pieces upon remembering what he had become – he knew death was the only answer.

This time, he would succeed in his mission, he thought, as the shadow of the black reaper’s scythe came into his view.

There was this thing about saying goodbye – you’d think it would be easy to let go, once you made up your mind. But the reality was that it was far from it and you could only wish that you didn’t have to, that the circumstances were different.

That’s what Ken Kaneki thought as he stared at :re at seven in the morning, because he didn’t want Furuta to meddle in his business.

He wanted to see it one last time, to give his heart a bit of peace at least and find a bit of strength as he plotted his final objective. With a sigh, he touched the signboard of the beloved café where Haise Sasaki once found solace and smiled because he too, would have felt the same. It was an establishment that was built upon the love and hope of a person whose wish was for a loved one to come back – no matter who he had become, no matter who he was. Had Haise known it was him all along, he would have been stunned.

He inhaled the scent of coffee beans – of some citrus and vanilla, of the powdery smell of cocoa. He inhaled the smell of old wood and books that lingered even in front of the coffee shop. He inhaled the scent of home.

He gazed at the shop hungrily, yearning for the moment where he would’ve been able to live and spend time with them as himself. He would have been able to help her, would have done everything in his power to keep that smile on her face. He could imagine himself tending to the shop – he would have been the one to wake up early to open it, he would have been the one serving coffee as she took orders.

But no, he wasn’t able to do that.

His heart ached as he remembered why this café was built – for him to return to, as she hoped he would come back to them. That day when she saw him at the bridge, she told him a truth he would never unhear, as he realized his own selfish wish. He wanted to be free from all the things he had to endure, from all the things he lied to himself just so he could justify his wrongdoing. It was the first time he wanted to die, as his conscience overwhelmed him, as his twisted deeds crept up to him.

Yet she believed he would return. How sad was that – that all he wanted was to be free from all his suffering, that all he wanted was to make sure no one he cared about would end up dead before his eyes – and life couldn’t grant him that freedom but opted instead to make him forget about everything? And yet, she was still there, her eyes hopeful even though they were always a little sad as she waited and waited.

And waited.

In a cruel twist of fate, he did come back. And yet didn’t remember her, he didn’t remember anything about them – not their kindness, not their warmth, not their names. Now he knew why she looked so sad that day when she first saw him again, now he knew why she had that gaze on the very first time that they talked.

He had failed her, he always had. And if she found out about his deeds as Haise Sasaki, it would hurt him to see her hurt or be angry, it would hurt him to see her be anguished as she barged into Cochlea’s doorstep to save Hinami. No, he had to be the one to do so, had to be the one to atone. He did not want her to get hurt, did not want her to suffer any more than she already had.

“You haven’t visited here for some time,” a curious voice, tainted with a bit of sadness and hope suddenly spoke softly in the distance. “Are you waiting for the café to open?”

He turned around in surprise, his mind barely registering the thought that he would see her this early. She was wearing some casual clothes, one hand holding a plastic of what looked like groceries or something as she walked towards him. His heart skipped a beat, perplexed that life once again wouldn’t let him go without being submerged further into the depth of his despair.

He gave her an awkward smile and scratched the back of his head. “N-no, I was just passing by and it just happened that the café was close and I was hit with nostalgia.” He hoped she wouldn’t see through his lie.

“Is that so? Would you like a coffee then before you go?” Her eyes were a bit hopeful that it pained him to say no, but he knew he needed to get away before he lost his conviction.

“I’m afraid I’ll have to go soon; my partner would be mad at me if I keep him waiting.”

How he wished he could tell her that he remembered, that he still cared for her. How he wished he could tell her that he was still here, that all he wanted was for her to be safe and happy. How he wished he could ask for her forgiveness, for leaving her and causing her pain. Life was twisted, he knew, and yet on the back of his mind he still wanted to experience being close to her once more. He knew he could never do that now.

“Oh, that’s sad,” her eyes were a little downcast, but Touka gave him a smile as she inched a little closer that they were now standing in front of each other. “I hope you pass by soon on your day off.”

“I’ll try,” he muttered, touching his chin. He wished he could, but he didn’t belong here anymore.

The manager’s eyes widened a bit and she sighed, walking towards him. She gently stroked the hair that covered a part of his face away and beamed. The action stunned him that he was so still because of the touch. “You’ve dyed your hair.”

Those words, her actions – it was as if she could feel his pain, his suffering. The gesture was simple, yet it was as intimate as it gave him comfort that he needed, wanted. It was only her who could do this, through simple and clear-cut actions that lasted only for a few seconds, but had the ability to render him speechless.

“I’ll be waiting then.”

When he smiled and nodded, it was her indication that he would be alright. She moved past him and started walking back towards the café.

“Manager,” he shouted, gathering his wits. This was the only time he could do this, the only time he would be able to.

She turned around to meet his gaze, her piercing dark blue eyes gazing into his soul. “Thank you.”

It was his only chance, his only mean to say goodbye. He hoped it would reach her, hoped that she would be able to see the sincerity and feelings hidden behind those two words.

As he thought, he could never say goodbye after all.

There was something different about him, that day she stumbled upon his forlorn face as he looked at the café. It felt like he had resigned to his fate, that the world had abandoned him once more. It was eerily similar to the Kaneki she had known after his time in Aogiri, the Kaneki that had lost his soul.

And yet, as he thanked her, his tone had an underlying tone of defeat. There was this cloud of isolation, a darkness that wrapped his form. She remembered all the times she couldn’t save him, that time that she wasn’t there for him while he suffered by himself. Touka didn’t want it to be repeated, didn’t want to lose him again. So she reached out, hoping against all hope that he would listen and fully come back to them this time.

She couldn’t fail.

“Kaneki,” she shouted, startling him. He twitched at the sound of her voice, he would have thought they would be gone by now. His heart skipped a beat and he turned slowly, avoiding her eyes at first – if he looked at her now, all his resolve would crumble.

But she didn’t do as much as move that he had no choice but to face her.

She gave him a smile, a smile that was a little troubled but hoped, a smile of one who still believed in him. “See you later.”

There was no hate, no sound of resentment – it was just hopeful.

Then, he remembered –

The way she saved him, the way she believed he would find his way, the way she comforted him in his dreams.

The way she touched him, the way she smiled at him and the way she gently fixed his hair to comfort him as she smiled solemnly.

His heart thundered in his chest, stomach feeling it had molten lava on its pit. How could he possibly fail her now and break her heart?

“You’re a cruel one, Touka.”

And just as she did countless of times after they first met, she lit up a small fire of hope.

Live.

Let me know who was your favorite Kaneki and if you enjoyed this piece. Part II will be posted sometime next week and it continues the Kenference. I also wanted to say how embarrassing it was to write Haise puns. 😅

#tokyo ghoul #touken #kaneki ken #haise sasaki #tokyo ghoul:re #tg fanfic #shar.writes #i had an existential crisis writing reaper #it hurt too much writing these two angsty duo #i was in a just kiss already mood damn it

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linkspooky · 7 years ago

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The Hardest Lessons Learned

We’re actually given, several hints not only this chapter but beforehand. Including the chin touch as he says he’ll catch up, that Kaneki did not really believe he would make it out alive from this fight.

That Kaneki, while deciding he wanted to live and find a purpose for living, had resigned himself to his death once again.

In this chapter we finally witness what has been put off since basically 100, and that is true tragic consequence. Not from the cruelty of the world, but rather for it’s lack of forgiveness towards Kaneki’s wrongdoings. It’s Karma. Remember, everything that happened so far Kaneki has been warned of far in advance.

When Kaneki takes no steps himself despite being warned several times ahead of time, how can tragedy be averted? When Hamlet fails to avenge his father and spends the entire play in indecision. When Romeo and Juliet fail to think on their situation and their families and decide to get married instead. When Othello fails to trust or believe in his wife the smallest amount.

When Oedipus pursues the truth, but is at the same time terrified by that truth then how can he possibly avert tragedy?

Kaneki’s greatest fear, that he’ll be locked into his decisions and forced to bear witness, powerless to change the results.

Kaneki’s greatest oversight, that there is a reason behind all of the suffering in his life. That he is special in some way, that his motivation is stronger, the unfounded assumption that he is important, he matters, he stands above all others.

That he is the main character of a tragedy.

As assumption that makes him forget that just like himself, there are also people fighting for things that are important to him, to protect them, and therefore his own urge to fight or protect is not somehow more special, more stronger, or guaranteed to win him the fight.

We were warned as explicitly as one chapter ago, that we cannot fight our loss. That doing so is really an attempt to spare yourself from the loss, or substitute yourself into the loss and therefore the price for fighting your loss is always yourself.

We see Furuta lecture Kaneki, on other basic things he was warned about.

Kaneki is told, not to base his decisions on his feelings, to learn to trust anothers and not to base everything on himself, and most of all to make and stand with his decisions and we see him do none of these things. He renegs on the one decision he did make, he fails to trust both Tsukiyama and Nishiki with him to come with and provide support and instead goes entirely alone back home, he makes his entire decision based off of a bad feeling he had in the first place.

Furuta tells him as much, one small difference in the fight and he could have won. What that means is that Kaneki really has learned absolutely nothing since the last time he fought Arima and ended up in a similiar situation.

Unlike Arima though, Juuzou is not secretly fighting with the intent of bettering Kaneki. Kaneki’s unlimited supply of mentors who are willing to take the blame for him, and take the consequences for him, set up all things in his favor on the assumption that this time, he might move, seems to have finally run dry.

From the Anteiku arc forward, Kaneki has only ever moved as a result of another pushing him. Hinami begs him to save her mother, Itori pushes him to investigate the Gourmet, Ayato kidnaps him and bodily drags him, Yamori tortures him until he’s finally ready to defend himself. Aogiri moves on Kanou before he does. Uta tells him point blank where Rize is hiding. Touka tells him to go back to Anteiku. The Anteiku raid happens before he returns. Arima drags him out of V14 by the hair, but only after Hide told him to go down that route to fight.

Eto returns his memories for him. Kanae saves Tsukiyama, not him. Arima slits his own throat. Eto tells him to become one eyed king. Furuta stages an attack on the CCG for him. Furuta resolves the clown raids himself, by operating both sides of the conflict.

Kaneki puts off making any kind of decision himself for as long as humanly possible, and when he finally does make that decision he goes back on it. He decided to return to Anteiku, he decided to return to the 24th ward all alone.

We see countless parallels to the Anteiku raid. With Yomo saying that you have to live while losing once more, Touka choosing to run away from the conflict eventually rather than stay and fight, but I think most importantly of all Kaneki is once again stopped from achieving his want of protecting someone just short, by an equally obstinate force in Arata armor who just like him, refuses to change and instead chooses to protect what little they have remaining at the CCG.

Not only that, but also Juuzou and Kaneki much like Amon and Kaneki had no reason to kill each other, and yet still fought because each considered their reason far more important than backing down.

The translation for Jaiminis box is especially relevant here, for two reasons. One that Darum’s are supposed to carry each other’s wishes, and two that paradise is exactly what Kaneki was aiming for. A world where Humans and Ghouls could get along is certainly a utopia by the series standards.

Kaneki is a Daruma, an eyeless doll that was meant to carry Arima’s wishes. Yet, this chapter brutally tells us what the result of that ambition was. To break him, Furuta shows us where Arima’s hope, the hope of the garden children led them.

Yet, when Kaneki never once truly tried to follow Arima’s will, how could he expect a different result. He continued to use the garden children as child soldiers, even knowing that child soldiers could die, and as a result they did.

Ghouls were being slaughtered in the streets and yet Kaneki never once showed up directly to fight for the sake of ghouls. He let the situation get this bad, for the annihilation rate to reach 88% and still acted as if he had a chance at winning. The only thing that moved him to maybe finally directly confront Furuta was the risk of a human life once again. Kaneki only ever showed up to protect CCG officers, he wasted resources to restore Akira a human, he considered risking everything to save Yoriko a human. All while claiming that he was fighting solely for the sake of ghouls.

Kaneki blatantly and brazenly did not care at all for the masses he was claiming to be protecting, so why should he have been able to protect them at all?

What we are witnessing right now is an eclipse. The moon has moved entirely in front of the sun, and we see the shadows at their longest points. All of the characters involved in this chapter, are born raw to us at their deepest and darkest.

Suzuya Juuzou was willing to slaughter the entire goat base, and even his good friend Haise for the sake of continuing to prop up a corpse. Even knowing that Shinohara himself might never come back.

Touka Kirishima sacrifices basically everyone and everything in order to try to make it out safely, only to realize that Hinami, Yomo, Take, all of those sacrifices were in vain. Not only that, but even if she did manage to make it out alive, Kaneki has already been cornered minutes before she even realized her own hopeless situation.

Miza simply clings to Naki’s dead body, and stays behind even after everybody has left as if that’s the only thing to live for. Naki looks to be truly dead, with perhaps Miza to follow soon after him.

Take seems to have failed utterly in his last purpose, the last thing Arima entrusted him with. Two out of three of the children in his care have died, perhaps four out of five if we’re going to flashback to the Tanakamaru and Aura fight soon.

Ui remains nowhere to be seen, Mutsuki is fried, Yomo is lifeless and marching towards his own certain death now. Nobody has achieved what they want. A true darkest point.

Yet.. why does Furuta leave Kaneki alive?

Furuta has only bothered to leave someone alive on purpose once in the past, and it created the greatest threat to his power as the Washuu King.

Furuta is not tactically stupid enough to leave loose ends. After all, the only time he’s ever surprised is when the audience is equally as surprised as him, such as Marude and Matsuri both coming back from the dead to challenge him. In those cases, with Marude’s disappearance, and Matsuri’s having several V squads sent after him he had every logical reason to assume they were dead. Furuta’s usual MO though, has always been to kill all the witnesses present, whether Matsumae, the V members with Eto, and even his attempt on Urie and Kuroiwa.

So why would Furuta suddenly change his strategy now and leave it to Hajime to simply torture and toy with Kaneki until he died. It can look like sadism, but if you remember Donato similiarly toyed with Urie, and yet at the same time both left him alive and gave him the exact same words he needed to grow later on in the story.

It was in despair and loss, what Kaneki has been avoiding from the absolute beginning where Urie finally learned.

So we have Furuta, our cruel and relentless teacher. There are also several hints left behind in the narrative still that this is not Kaneki’s final moments.

1) The parallels between the Arima Kishou fight and Kaneki’s moment of realization when absolutely all looked loss [x].

2) The implication that Kaneki could reverse his problem with a massive amount of cannibalism.

3) The fact that Dragon has yet to make an appearance despite being the so called final boss, and also that Uta suggested Dragon itself could be a weapon against the CCG rather than Goat.

4) Furuta’s suggestion that first he would win, and then dragon would appear. Well, in this chapter we witness Furuta claiming his absolute victory without the appearance of dragon afterwards.

5) The numerous amounts of foreshadowing that Furuta was orchestrating his own death, and actually did not care at all for V and the Washuu’s wars.

(Furuta even makes a promise here that he’ll mess up the one eyed king for Eto. Earlier he suggests in gest that the two of them should work and cooperate together. )

6) The Nagaraaj. If the manga ends here then Ayato’s journey to the 24th ward was incredibly pointless. As well as the explanation about the old one eyed king. Ayato wouldn’t be strong enough to counter Juuzou so was the explanation simply to get him out of the way.

Or was it forehshadowing to establish that if pushed to this point, this is a power that Kaneki himself could summon. That the same way the Original One Eyed King sunk the 24th ward an entire city in order to retreat from the newly formed black investigators and V, that when it seems all hope is lost, Kaneki might summon this power from himself. That this could be dragon, especially since Furuta deliberately says Dragon is named in honor of his Washuu roots. The legendary Nagaraaj are also dragon kings in the japanese version of the myth, according to @randomthoughtpatterns.

Not only that but the presence of Oggai all around him leave Kaneki with a framed out source of RC Cells to buffet on, if he truly decided to keep fighting.

7) 143 Parallels

Chapter 143 of Original Tokyo Ghoul, was called Ken [x]. Chapter 62, where Kaneki reached a similiar realization was called Kaneki. Chapter 143, is completely without a title. In otherwords it’s nameless.

Perhaps then this is the chapter, where finally Kaneki accepts his role. Where he finally decides to truly become the nameless king.

Only after having learned from the loss he experienced right in front of his eyes, what exactly it was that needed to be changed.

#tg meta #meta #kaneki ken #furuta nimura #tokyo ghoul theory #tokyo ghoul #tokyo ghoul predictions #tokyo ghoul re #tokyo ghoul theme #tokyo ghoul tragedy #tragedy

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weebrecs · 7 years ago

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Fujoshi Handbook: Just two dudes being dudes anime recommednations

This will be a post containing those anime that you can nonchalantly watch with others that have a super strong bromance or just two dudes being dudes *cough cough* no homo (or when you run out of yaoi). This list will not include any yaoi or shounen ai labeled anime or sports anime (because let’s be serious all sports anime are kind of gay).

B Project (9/10): When this show starts off you might be thinking “Oh no it’s going to be some reverse harem anime” however you couldn’t be more wrong. The female lead is basically there to escort the audience through the love lives of the different male performers. From rivals to childhood friends to bad boys who are actually endearing there’s something for everyone. Idol boys, Slice of Life, Comedy, Entertainment Industry

Binan Koukou Chikyuu Bouei-bu LOVE! (7/10): Now these boys didn’t earn a spot on our list because they’re actually magical boys that have super powers and a transformation sequence. Besides their flowery appearance and adorable companion they’re very hands on with each other. They need to prove to the world that LOVE is still important. It’s always best to lead by example right? This show has two seasons of LOVE! Magical boys, fantasy, comedy, school life, adventure

Black Butler (8.5/10): A young orphan master, Ceil, has returned from the brink of death with the aid of the demon, Sebastian, in order to gain his revenge. Follow their adventure through two series and several movies as they struggle to keep the streets of England safe from serial killers like Jack the Ripper and magical beings that seek to challenge them. Together they must protect their secret contract that states that once Ceil’s vengeance is complete Sebastian will consume his soul. With this contract the relationship between master and servant is something questionable for all outsiders. Supernatural, Adventure, Comedy, Action

Code Geass (9/10): Ah, childhood best friends. They know everything about you and will do anything for you. However, when war consumes their world they find themselves on opposite sides of the battle field. Lelouch, the former prince is gifted with a magical ability to control people’s wills and plots his revenge. Meanwhile, Suzaku is left out of the loop and ends up fighting for the opposite side. This series has two seasons, several spin offs, and summary seasons. Action, Politics, Mystery, War

Fukigen na Mononokean (10/10): Hanae is just your regular high schooler that is hoping for greatness and a girlfriend. Unfortunately his reputation proceeds him. He spent the first week in the infirmary and suffering form weird accidents. Believing that he was cursed he takes extreme measures and calls an exorcist to help him. However, the exorcist he stumbles into is actually the bridge between the spirit world and the human world. Though a series of events Hanae becomes indebted to Abeno and they slowly grow closer together through both school and their magical adventure into the spirit world. Comedy, Slice of Life, Adventure, supernatural, spirits, underworld

K (Kings) (6/10): Yashiro is suddenly accused of murdering a clansman of the Red King’s group thanks to a video that suddenly went viral. Kings are people that have been granted incredible supernatural powers and abilities and set out to gather a clan. Now that one of the Red King’s clansman is dead Yashiro is being hunted by everyone which bring him in contact with Kurou, who’s a skilled swordsman. Yashiro slowly discovers that his past is being forgotten by those he shared it with and instead he is remembering new memories. Throughout all of this confusion Kurou is always by Yashiro’s side to protect him and aid him. Mystery, Supernatural, Magic powers

Makai Ouji Devils and Realist (9/10): When William’s greedy uncle suddenly steal all of his money he can’t afford his schooling. He believes he might have to drop out until he accidentally summons a demon, Dantalion. Dantalion sticks close to the young human as he tries to convince him that he’s the best candidate to rule Hell in Lucifer’s place. It’s a romance of a devil and a realist (a man of science) that will keep you laughing and on the edge of your seat with the action. Magical creatures, Supernatural, School, Adventure, Mystery

Naruto/Naruto Shippuden (8/10): One of the longest running shows in anime that takes our heroes from when they were children to their teenage years to their children. However, for the purpose of this list we’re going to focus on the pairing of Naruto and Sasuke. It’s no lie that Naruto might be a little obsessed with his once enemy turned teammate turned enemy turned ally turned (you know what I mean). If not long story short, Naruto and Sasuke got off to a bumpy start but once they became friends Sasuke decided to leave the team and the hidden leaf village and naruto. Thus triggers Naruto’s training to be better than Sasuke so he can bring him back to the village. Action, Adventure, Supernatural, Magical Powers

One Punch Man (7/10): After training for three years Saitama has become a hero, but he lost all his hair in the process. No one can defeat him in battle and thus everything has lost the thrill. However, he’s not recognized by people or registered with the Hero Association. Until Genos, a cyborg, who has heard of his accomplishments comes to investigate him and ask to become his apprentice. Saitama has no idea what to do with an apprentice, but now Genos won’t stop following him around. Action, Comedy, Sci-Fi, Superpower, Supernatural

Orenchi no Furo Jijou (8/10): Collection of shorts that tell the tale of Tatsumi who finds a merman that desperately needs his help since the merman, Wakasa’s, home has become too polluted to live in. Tatsumi offers Wakasa his bathtub to live in and thus begins their life as roommates. Comedy, Supernatural, Merman

Owari No Seraph (10/10): Mika and Yuu were both orphans and childhood best friends. However, in the war between vampires and humans they end up on different sides. This doesn’t stop them from wanting to see each other constantly. They challenge difficult foes, battle demons and vampires, deceive their allies, and do just about anything to get to each other. They are not the only “dudes just being dudes” in this series either. This show is almost as bad as a sports anime. Action, Vampire, Triller, Violence, Revenge, Mystery

Shisha no Teikoku (7/10): People are now coming back to life as reanimated corpses however they lack souls. That is until Dr. Frankenstein was able to successfully accomplish putting the soul in the reanimated corpse. John Watson hopes to fulfill his promise to his late partner, Friday, and decides to reanimate his corpse. Together they hunt for Dr. Frankenstein’s notes so they can return Friday’s soul to his body. Psychological, Sci-Fi, Zombies, War

Shounen Maid (9/10): Chihiro’s mother suddenly dies and he’s left with nothing, but his extravagant uncle, Madoka, who comes out of the blue to help him. Madoka is a famous fashion designer, but it seems like he’s the one that will need Chihiro to take care of him. Chihiro attempts to maintain control of the house hold, but Madoka enjoys dressing Chihiro in a frilly maid uniform and a cat costume. Madoka tries to make Chihiro feel welcome after suffering such a loss and together they grow closer. Slice of Life, Romance, Comedy

Tanaka-kun wa Itsumo Kedaruge (9/10): All Tanaka-kun wants to do is nothing: all day, everyday. However, things get in his way such as school and walking. Thankfully he has his best friend Oota to help him achieve his goal of being as listless as possible. Oota aids Tanaka in everything from walking to the next class to sleeping through class. They say they relate to an old married couple which might be why this show is so heartwarming and an instant mood booster. Plus it also has “some girls just being girls”. Comedy, Slice of Life, School Life

Trickster: Edogawa Ranpo “Shounen Tanteidan” yori (7/10): The Boys Detectives’ Club is the perfect place for blooming love. Hanasaki is the son of a wealthy public figure, but he striped himself of his family in order to join the club and one day he discovers a boy named Kobayashi who can’t die no matter what he does. In order to gain Kobayshi’s trust Hanasaki promises that he’ll kill him. Kobayashi slowly becomes more human and learns how to interact with people instead of living isolated from the world. Mystery, Detectives, Supernatural Powers, Comedy

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

Evangelion: Some people watch this whole series for their romance only to find that it only spans a few episodes.

Mirai Nikki: There are hints throughout the series that it’s coming, but for some it’s not too obvious since Yuno is such a Yandere.

Tales of Zestiria: Childhood friends are the perfect chemical for romance. The movie set them up for success. I never watched the series, but I heard it was good for all those “Dudes just being dudes” feels.

Tokyo Ghoul: There was so much potential for these too, but Kaneki was too absorbed in himself and the ghoul situation for this to develop into anything or to be interesting.

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mytsukkishine · 7 years ago

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[HQ!kurotsuki] Tsukki and his Sasuke

My gift for @essrambles (that I kept bothering as an anon bcz I dnt wanna mess up lol) for the @kurotsukiexchange I hope you like this. I am late!! So gomen!

Soulmate AU (slut for that au) where Kei received his tattoo--- but oh no, it’s not a very good tattoo. Or the day Kei wanted to become a murderer jk.

posted this also on AO3 (mytsukkishine) but I do suggest for ya’ll to read that there *winkwonktocommentwinkwonnk*

It’s good to know what’ll be the first thing your soulmate would tell you, but for Kei—he doesn’t want to meet his, for he’s sure he’ll kill his soulmate if he did.

Because his soulmate is a fcking 'spoiler alert' of his favorite manga.

!! WARNING contains spoilers for Naruto Shippuden and Avatar the Last Airbender (if ya’ll haven’t seen it yet)-- not proceed :3

Tsukishima Kei was not a fan of tattoos, especially long ass tattoos that your supposed soulmate for life would say for the first time you meet.

Well, it’s good to know what’ll be the first thing your soulmate would tell you, but for Kei—he doesn’t want to meet his, for he’s sure he’ll kill his soulmate if he did.

Because that motherfucker spoiled him.

It all started when Kei was about to have his 16th birthday the next day. His brother, Akiteru, was giving him speeches about soulmates that he doesn’t really care about, really; he’s 15, he’s a boy, and he doesn’t give a shit about soulmates.

“Aki-ni, I get it, now will you please leave?”

“I’m just saying, if your soulmate is a boy, It’ll be fine,”

“Wait? I can have a boy as a soulmate?” When Akiteru nodded, Kei just sighed and resumed reading.

“Whatever, will you now go?”

“Okay, okay. Anyway, what do you want as a gift?” When Kei heard that, his head immediately looked up at his brother, excitement was evident on his face that it made Akiteru chuckle.

“More manga?” Kei suggested and Akiteru nodded. “Hmm, you’re quite addicted to Naruto, huh? Wasn’t that famous like years ago?”

“Yeah, and nothing’s wrong with me wanting to keep up again,”

“Want me to tell you what would happen in Naruto Shippuden?” Akiteru smirked as Kei pouted and explained to Akiteru that he was still reading the last chapters of Naruto.

“Okay, okay,” Akiteru grinned before closing the door, thinking of where to buy the said manga.

Kei was so excited about his birthday because he knew his brother would really buy him mangas.

And as time went by, it was night time when Kei was reading peacefully, enjoying the fighting scene he was reading.

He was so absorbed in reading that he didn’t notice the time, few more seconds before his birthday.

Suddenly, a faint burning sensation on his left shoulder made Kei stop for a while, his eyes staring on the wall in front of him as the burning feeling continued before it stopped.

Kei’s heart was beating fast, a little afraid to look at his newly formed tattoo, but also a little excited. The blond took a deep breath, closing his book before pulling the collar of his shirt—

“Nice serve!” One of his teammates shouted, all of their eyes on the ball as it was hit by Tanaka, “Come on push it!” When Sugawara sets off the ball, Hinata came running before hitting it with all his might. Unfortunately, Kei blocked him, the small lad cursing in the process.

“Okay, guys! Take a break,” Their coach announced, clapping on Kageyama’s back, and the boys went on with their own errands.

Yamaguchi, Kei’s best friend, went up to him, all giddy and excited. “I can’t wait for next week!”

“Yamaguchi, shut up,” Yamaguchi just grinned, handing Kei his own water bottle. “It’s my first time going to a convention, and I read some forums about it last night!”

“I don’t know if I‘d be able to go,” Kei tried his best to ignore the glare his friend was giving him, but it was too strong—like Sugawara senpai’s glare strong.

“Tsukki! We talked about this a month ago,” The tall blond didn’t reply, and instead chose to sit down and rest while they waited for their practice to start.

“I told Aki niichan about it!”

“Ah…” In all honesty, Kei just wanted to tease his friend. His brother also bribed him about going to Tokyo. He said he should go so he could see what Tokyo can offer, and he also promised to give him some money. Kei doesn’t really have a problem with buying things, but a little income wasn’t bad.

“Tsukki!” Yamaguchi took a seat beside him as Kei drank from his bottle. “It’s a gathering, there will be booths and stuff you can buy!”

“I don’t have much money,” Kei lied and wiped away the sweat on his forehead. The latter only sighed, obviously tired in convincing him, but Kei knew Yamaguchi won’t give up.

“It’s not just about buying merch, it’s about getting to know others. Especially with the same hobby,” Yamaguchi was really persistent and Kei sometimes hated him for that. Yamaguchi was like his brother, annoying but at the same time he trusts that he knows what’s good for him.

The blond released a tired sigh, stretching his arms a little. “Fine, I’ll think about it.”

“Tsukki, are you still disappointed about Naruto?”

Kei’s heart jumped a little, the memory of the said manga was still fresh in his heart, mind, and soul. He loved the Naruto series so much, but a certain someone ruined it for him.

However, he managed to catch up even though he kind of knew how things would go.

Plus, he’s sad about Naruto, Kei thought, Naruto doesn’t deserve more pain.

“Not talking about that,”

“You can still continue reading it you know,” Yamaguchi drank from his bottle and gave Kei time to think about everything—everything Naruto and soulmates.

“I heard Naruto Shippuden just finished last week,”

“I’m still reading it… Maybe whenever I have time,” Yamaguchi just nodded. Time, they have plenty, Kei just doesn’t want to admit he was spoiled from the plot.

“Not my fault your soulmate is a talker,” Kei glared at his friend but the other remained unaffected, closed his water bottle and released a contented sigh.

Yamaguchi remembered the day Kei got his tattoo. He called him and a panicked Kei answered.

“It doesn’t make sense!”

“Wha—Happy birthday?”

“Why would he die? What about Naruto? Why? Who is Pain?”

“Tsukki?”

“My fucking soulmate spoiled Naruto Shippuden for me,”

“Come on Tsukki! Next week okay?” Yamaguchi grinned at him, trying hard not to laugh. “I heard there are booths for figurines.”

Before Kei could answer, their coach blew the whistle and practice resumed.

Kei hated everyone. Also Yamaguchi, but he hated him less.

He hated everyone because the place was crowded, meaning skinship was present and Kei hated that. Two, he hated Yamaguchi since he suddenly disappeared, and also because Yamaguchi drew some whiskers on his cheek, claiming he looked like a low cost cosplayed Naruto.

With a sigh, Kei continued to walk through the crowd, stopping by at some booths that was interesting. For a while, he was getting tired of walking until he found a booth that was interesting enough for him to squeeze through.

There he saw a full set of Naruto Shippuden manga, all brand new than the ones he already had. There were also some figurines below. He grabbed one book and browsed the pages carefully, his hands tingling of want to buy the manga but sadly, he put the book back where it belonged. His heart was still disappointed as his hand automatically went to his shoulder where his tattoo lies.

However, something caught his attention.

With utmost care and gentleness, Kei picked up a Naruto and Jiraiya keychain, amazed by the details of the toy—from the hair, the face, and the clothing.

Then someone cleared their throat.

“Too bad Jiraiya died huh? Pain was a pain-in-the-ass”

Kei’s breath hitched. He was frozen, ears ringing, and heart beating.

All of his thoughts came jumbling up when he heard that voice—but then he frowned.

He frowned as he looked at the source of that voice—to where he was spoiled from his favorite anime.

And he can’t fucking believe it, it’s Sasuke—that mother fucker was Sasuke—and he’s with Kaneki Ken from Tokyo Ghoul, only that he has black and white hair that was sticking up.

“Fuck off, Sasuke”

Both cosplayers were stunned at the sudden outburst but the said character, Sasuke, quickly recovered.

“Oh, wow, my Naruto seemed so pissed off,”

Now it was time for Kei to be shocked. He puts down the keychain down, still shooting daggers at the cosplayer before him.

“You!”

“Wait, your whiskers are a little smudged,” The Sasuke cosplayer reached up to his cheeks, brushing away on the melting whiskers. That Sasuke was grinning all the time, and Kei was sure his cheeks were flushed red.

Also his smirk pissed him off so much.

“There, looking cute.”

“I hate you, do you know that?”

“Wha—”

“You!! You freaking spoiler!” Kei pointed at him and the Sasuke cosplayer wanted to swat the hand away but he just can’t, he got a feeling that he would die on the spot if he did.

“Hey, hey now, what are you saying—” The Sasuke cosplayer sweated nervously. They were gaining a crowd, and he was sure that both of them don’t like the attention they were gaining.

“Bro, I think you should talk somewhere,” That Kaneki Kun spoke suddenly and the Sasuke cosplayer nodded.

Kei gasped as ‘Sasuke’ took hold of his shoulders and pushed him away from the crowd, leaving his Kaneki Kun friend alone. They went to a corner where they knew no one would look at them, and Kei was still struggling in his hold.

“Hey, stop, what did I do?”

“You spoiled Naruto for me! Now I can’t read it anymore because—because it’s saddening to know how things would go!” All of Kei’s frustration since childhood came pouring out. Okay he admits—he can’t get over the fact that he was spoiled.

“Huh?”

“Jiraiya! It doesn’t make sense when I had my tattoo! So many questions knowing Jiraiya would die. That’s a big fucking blow in the face,”

“Tattoo…”

“And I can’t believe you’re my soulmate,”

“Soulmate?”

Kei and the Sasuke cosplayer’s eyes widen in realization, both too consumed on what’s happening right now that they forgot about tattoos and soulmates.

They forgot that they both uttered one another’s tattoo.

Quickly, the Sasuke cosplayer pulled his costume down, showing Kei the tattoo he has on his chest, below his collarbone. The same position where Kei has his tattoo.

“Fuck off, Sasuke”

“Fuck,”

“So that’s why I had the urge to cosplay Sasuke…” The other grinned, “I’m Kuroo Tetsurou,”

“I still hate you. You ruined my childhood. That part wasn’t even written yet, I don’t know who Pain was. He wasn’t introduced but no, it’s my tattoo. I was still reading the part where they saw Sasuke again!”

Kuroo was all smiles. Happy that he met his soulmate, and a little happy that he’s kind of feisty.

“Kuroo Tetsurou,” Kuroo tried again, bringing his hand out. The blond huffed, completely flustered at the sudden outburst and the meeting.

“Tsukishima Kei…” He managed to murmur through his pout, arms crossed over his chest as he looked away, not meeting the cosplayer’s tantalizing sharingan eyes. Kuroo just chuckled as he took Kei’s hand, holding it with utmost care.

“Tsukishima Kei…” Kuroo repeated his name under his breath, eyes still observing every feature of his soulmate. . It was mixed emotions, he was happy, excited, and nervous—Kuroo can feel that he’s sweating and that he needed to say something to make things less awkward. “Well, at least your tattoo doesn’t have the word ‘fuck’ on it.”

It’s too good to be true, Kei was almost carried away with his smile, his charm, and how smooth Kuroo was, however, Kuroo chose to ruin it all.

“Well damn, my tattoo has a goddamn lame ass pun,”

“Wow, I hit a jackpot, Bo”

~*~

Kei hated everyone. Also, Kuroo, but he kind of feels embarrassed at how Kuroo has his arm around his shoulder.

It was kind of heavy, but it’s surprisingly warm.

After the meeting your soulmate incident, Kei wanted to get away from him but Kuroo insisted they should roam around together, after all, they were soulmates.

“I am with a friend,”

“Then let us find your friend,”

“Where’s your Kaneki Ken friend?”

“Don’t mind him, we’ll meet up at 5,” Kei was about to reply back when Kuroo suddenly stopped and ran towards a cosplayer.

“May I take a selfie with you?” Kuroo asked the ‘Zuko’ cosplayer and they nodded, Kuroo excitedly posed beside him and Kei found it all silly.

After a while, Kuroo returned to Kei’s side, all smiles. “Man, their cosplay is so awesome,”

“Hm…” Kei nodded and they continued to walk.

“Though I like Aang more I guess,” Kuroo commented.

“Well, Zuko switched side so I’m good with Zuko,”

Kuroo stopped walking and it took Kei a moment to realize Kuroo was left behind. “Kuroo-san?” He called out, he felt a little worried especially how Kuroo’s face was contorted.

He looked so shocked, and—

“Oh no, you didn’t TsukkI!”

“What?”

“You… you,” Kuroo sighed out dejectedly, almost wanting to cry and Kei has no idea why. Kei walked up to his soulmate, raising his brow at him. “What happened?”

Kuroo mumbled something under his breath, it irks Kei a little bit.

“I can’t hear you, Kuroo-san,”

“You ruined…”

“What?”

“I haven’t finished watching Avatar the Last Airbender okay!?”

Kei was stunned for a while before erupting in laughter, hands coming up to cover his mouth ad his eyes glanced teasingly at Kuroo, “R-really?” He managed to say between laughter.

And well, Kuroo doesn’t mind.

He does mind but seeing his soulmate laugh was wow!

#kurotsukiexchange #kurotsuki #kuroo tetsurou #tsukishima kei #bokuto koutarou #soulmate au #tattoo identifying marks #fanfic #haikyuu

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dlamp-dictator · 7 years ago

Text

Allen Rambles about Tokyo Ghoul

Okay, finished up volume 10 of Tokyo Ghoul, I’ll probably wrap up the series by tonight if writing fanfiction, original stories, and drawing don’t distract me and give my full thoughts then, but for now... I have several issues. I’ll try not to Ramble, but... no promises.

Allen, as of editing this post: TOO LATE, I RAMBLED SO I’M JUST GOING ALL IN NOW. GLAD I DIDN’T PROMISE ANYTHING.

Alright, so Tokyo Ghoul. I got into this series when the anime came out. For those unfamiliar Tokyo Ghoul explores on the ideas of the traditional ghoul, humanoid creatures that survive by eating human flesh. Basically, zombie vampires-type creatures. This story focuses on Ken Kaneki, a young college student that was turned into a ghoul after an encounter with a Rize Kamishiro, a powerful Ghoul that would had devoured him had she not died in an accident they were both involved with. From there, the story follows Kaneki as he learns about Ghoul society, both the good and the bad.

I found the concept worth looking into, and the first few episodes of the anime was very impactful with how Kaneki was forced to adjust to his bad situation, learning he had to eat human flesh in order to survive and not starve, learning how Ghouls live in human society under the radar. I remember the anime being a little lackluster with it ending season 1 on a cliffhanger and season 2 practically plowing through the second half of the manga series, but since then I’ve bought the entire manga series... pre-:Re anyway. I wanted to take another look at this series and see if the anime fixed any of the issues I had with out. Sadly... it doesn’t, at least not yet. Like I said, I wrapped up volume 10 and I have 4 more books to go, but... I don’t think I’m going to be happy with how this story ends if certain questions don’t get answered.

With that all said, I wanted to cover some of the issues I had with the series so far, mostly to get them off my chest before going into what I’m assuming to be the climax of the series.

Kaneki forming his own faction

I don’t believe the anime answered this, but the manga indefinitely doesn’t tell me why Kaneki decides to not rejoin Anteiku and form his own faction of Ghouls instead. And it’s a really big deal that he does this too, so I was hoping I’d hear directly from his mouth why he did this. By not going back to Anteiku and making his own group, Kaneki has added a fourth major faction between his new group, Aogiri, Anteiku, and the CCG. Granted, Anteiku is less a faction as it is a coalition (yes, there is a differences), but the point remains that we have yet another group to keep track of with new goals. In a way... from a writing perspective, I understand why this was done. The Aogiri’s goals and aims are still mostly unknown, the CCG, while established, were slowly falling to the sidelines while Aogiri were being the antagonists, and Anteiku, again, was more a group of like-minded Ghouls rather than a faction making moves and getting involved with the politics of the story. For Kaneki to remain a central character, he had to do something big like this. It’s just... I’m not too comfortable with how it was done.

My issue of why Kaneki does this in the first place. Like... I can infer to why he’d want to branch away from Anteiku, but I don’t know. Just to catch some of you guys up to where I’m at, Kaneki had busted himself out of his Aogiri prison/torture and had beaten his captor to the point of near death. Before that, he was physically and mentally tortured for what I’m assuming was days or weeks to the point of nearly breaking. To break out, he had to accept the Ghoul side of him that he was repressing for about 6 volumes into order to summon his kagune and fight properly. This was also to finish his character arc and move him from being a shy, reserved bookworm to a capable and strong Ghoul able to protect himself and his friends. After this, he saves female lead and this series’s Best Girl, Touka Kirishima from being brutalized by her brother and then rejecting her offer to return to Anteiku, the coffee shop who’s workers consist of mostly peaceful Ghouls, to form his own faction instead because, and I quote:

“There’s something I want to do. I need to prepare for it. I need to get stronger. There’s a lot I need to find out too. I don’t have time.” (Kaneki)

So... what exactly does that mean. I mean really, what does that explain? That sounds like something a generic shounen protagonist would say, and I would accept that if Kaneki was a 13-year-old spunky kid self-reflect, but Kaneki isn’t Gon Freecss, he’s a college kid reaching his early 20s, I’m gonna’ need more of reason than that. Kaneki was 13, this would be understandable, but he’s nearing 20 so this is esoteric at best, and childish at worse. I get that he was tortured and to the point of mentally breaking, but I’d rather him just leave and muse about his reasoning to himself then saying... that.

Later on, around volume 9 I can slowly piece this line together. Kaneki wants to find out more about Rize’s existence, Dr. Kano, and the reason he was made into a ghoul in the first place. To do that, he needs more strength than what Anteiku can provide since they are mostly peaceful ghouls that are either unfamiliar, unwilling, or unable to delve into the underbelly of Ghoul society where the information he seeks lies. And he doesn’t have time to train himself in the traditional sense at Anteiku to get the strength he needs to learn these things, as what little traces of Kano and Rize could vanish due to the lack of information about their existence in general. This line makes sense now, but it was infuriating to deal with until then. It felt like Kaneki just left everyone hanging and everyone was... cool with it. Touka wasn’t, understandably, but still. I understand hiding things from the characters to keep them guessing, but I personally don’t like being left in the dark with things like this.

The Abundance of Characters and Perspectives

As of volume 10 there are about 23-26 characters of importance in the manga, and roughly 4 major factions that are actively involved in the plot of the story. That’s... a lot to cover in a series that has only four more volumes before the jump to :Re. The cast feels a tad bloated with it trying to keep all these characters in our minds. Personally, I’d rather just focus on Kaneki, Touka, and Hide as the main trio of perspectives, then occasionally move into the CCG with Amon and Akira with Juza and Shinohara as prevalent side characters, then (probably) to Ayato’s perspective when we need to see what our villains are doing.

Last time I talked about Tokyo Ghoul I said I liked how when we see the CCG’s perspective we get to see them work with the information they have and truly speculate on the situation and... well, investigate. Most of the investigators assumptions are usually in the ballpark of what we, the audience, know, but just missing enough pieces that it feels like it’s a true investigation is going on. However... now it’s getting a little tiring to read that. I’ll talk a little bit more about a pacing in a bit, but seeing their perspective and investigation process really makes things slow down and feels unneeded when gang wars and whatnot are happening in the background of Ghoul society. I care about Amon, Akira, and Hide’s situation, but... not enough that I need to view it with a fine-tooth comb as they chat about it over dinner.

Again, I feel like the main trio should have more focus, but... I digress.

Another thing this large cast does is take away focus from what I would consider the other perspectives we need to see. I said that I think the main trio in this story would be Kaneki, Touka, and Hide. Kaneki being the Ghoul slowly adjusting to Ghoul life and having the world-building explained to him as a surrogate audience member. Touka being a “typical Ghoul” that understand what the life of a Ghoul is like and a general badass for us to root for when the action happens. And Hide being a human perspective that reminds us that humans do exist and interact with Ghouls, as well as an outsider’s look into the CCG as of volumes 9 and 10. I think that would had worked well, but... this main focuses on Kaneki with some peeks at Amon and Juzu, which I think is a crying shame because Touka and Hide really need more screentime, Hide especially as I feel like the manga really wants me to like him, but hasn’t given me much reason outside of his friendly personality. Don’t get me wrong, I like that Hide is probably the only character that is a genuine nice guy, but since he’s rarely around or has little major relevance in the overall plot I... can’t like him as much as I think I should.

Ah, but moving on. Since I mentioned it before, let me just going into...

Pacing and World Building

I won’t say Tokyo Ghoul’s pacing is bad, but it does feel like it takes quite a long time to read as of these recent volumes. It’s mostly due to reading from multiple factions and perspective that I personally don’t care for when other things are going on that I’m interested in, but the world building plays a part in it too.

I think Tokyo Ghoul has good world building, I think it has great world building. Everything that I want explained about the world is explained. I understand how and why Kagunes are a thing, I understand how and why Qinques are a thing, I know the importance of RC cells, I know the advantages and disadvantages of Kagunes and Qinques by their type, I know how CCG members are trained up. I think if I really wanted to, I could make a pretty decent Ghoul or CCG OC. And if people can make a decent OC that you actually see in the world of a show or series without breaking lore or canon, then that’s some damn good world building. My Hero Academia, RWBY, and One Piece do this well too.

However... that world building can drag the pace of the manga to a crawl this late into the game. We really shouldn’t have anymore text dumps about lore and world anymore. The extra information about wards that haven’t be explored yet are... unneeded to me until our main characters actually go there. It makes some volumes and moments feel like longer reads than they should.

But moving on to my other issue.

Kano’s Motives

Doctor Kano’s reasoning behind turning Kaneki into a Ghoul are about as vague as Kaneki’s reasons for leaving Anteiku, and unlike Kaneki, I can’t piece together his reasoning yet. I still have about 4 volumes to go until I complete the series before :Re, but I doubt I’ll get a satisfying answer in that time.

But let me quote the man himself before I go any further:

“Why do you think a caged bird can’t fly freely? It’s because the cage doesn’t belong to them. Who created this birdcage we call the world? That is the question. I realized a warped cage entangles our world. I want to destroy that To do so, I need the most powerful means. In other words, ghouls.” (Kano)

Much like with Kaneki’s spiel, I feel like this is just... esoteric at best. Within the context of the manga, I don’t understand what Kano means by seeing the world as a cage. I can see the Ghouls thinking that way, as movement and general freedom on their end is practically nonexistent, but Kano... Kano is a human that has way more freedom to do as he pleases than Ghouls do.

Much like with Kaneki I have my inferences about the meaning behind Kano’s words. Maybe he means that after working with the CCG he realizes the pointlessness of the system and how trapped both CCG and Ghouls are in the current state of things, and went to less savory means break the system. Maybe he’s forced to remain in Tokyo due to his work with the CCG and is making artificial Ghouls to cause enough chaos so he slip out in the confusion. Maybe Toyko is actually on some martial law lockdown and everyone really is caged in the literal sense, so be making artificial Ghouls he can scare the officials into canceling the lockdown.

Or maybe he’s just fucking crazy and that esoteric spiel was just that because he’s fucking crazy... if that’s the answer I’m honestly going to scream.

I’m not sure, but the point is, this feels... contrived.

Other Issues I Have

I have a few more things to talk about, but I can’t talk about them as in length as the previous points, so I’ll just jot down my notes here.

I said it already, but it worth saying again, as of these later volumes past 8 I find myself caring less and less about the CCG side of things. That’s mostly my own personal investment (or lack thereof) in them, but still.

An issue I have with 90% of manga, but one stating nonetheless, female characters don’t really get much of a spotlight. Touka especially, who's starting to feel like a side character now that big moves and power plays are being made outside of Anteiku’s control. This is a crime as far as I’m concern since she just checks off so many things I like seeing in female characters. But most females don’t really get much development compared to the male ones. Again, this is an issue I have with most manga and anime in general, but Tokyo Ghoul is kind of proving my point.

Something I should had mentioned in the first part, but... Hinami staying with Kaneki bugs me quite a bit. I get why Hinami is with Kaneki, but I still don’t like the fact Kaneki didn’t kick her out for her own safety, especially with all his talk of wanting to protect people he cares about. He should know the dangerous of having a child in a faction of people combating Aogiri, the CCG, and sniffing around the underbelly of Ghoul society. From a moral view, Kaneki should had sent Hinami to be with Touka for safe keeping, whether she wanted to keep him company or not.

Kaneki in general feels... off at times, and I don’t mean as a character, but how he’s written. I feel like the writer is trying to keep this balance of innocence and viciousness with Kaneki’s character, but... I’m having a hard time buying it. Characters with that dual nature are balls hard to pull off well, and I think Kaneki shows why. For examples of characters I think do have this balance looks at Gon Freecss from Hunter X Hunter and Durarara’s Mikado Ryugamine.

That Ghoul jailbreak that was mentioned around volume 8... ish. I don’t remember ever seeing it happen. I know it happened in the anime, but I don’t remember seeing it happen and the manga, which makes Shachi just... come out of nowhere, and that’s kind of bad when he becomes a major antagonist as of volume 10.

Good Points of Tokyo Ghoul

Like with Juni Taisen, I have stuck with this manga for so long for a reason. Hell, I brought all of the manga pre-:Re because I do like this series despite my gripes and issues with it. So just to prove I’m not ragging on something for the sake of ragging on it, let me just go over some of the good things I like about it real quick.

The artwork looks great, the character designs in general are fantastic to look at. If anything, I’d love to see some more of Sui Ishida’s designs once he finishes Tokyo Ghoul. This man would make one hell of a character designer if he got into video games. I hate Tsukiyama with a passion, but goddamn do I want half his suits.

As bloated as the cast feels, everyone stands out and make an instant first impression from their designs and intros alone. Kaneki is an anti-social nerd, Touka is a tomboyish hard worker, Hide his an excitable bundle of energy that’s clearly hiding his intelligence, Tsukiyama is... Tsukiyama, Banjo is an idiot, the list goes on, but every makes an impression. One glance at their design, a few bits of dialogue, and I already get what the character is about... most of the time.

The action is just great. Shachi’s martial arts stuff just looks really good, as out of nowhere as I feel he is. I honestly feel like Sui Ishida probably read all the martial arts books Kaneki was in help him draw some of those scenes. It makes me wish Tokyo Ghoul was a little more action-focused... but then again, when don’t I wish for more action in a series.

As little screentime as she’s getting now, I really do like Touka a lot. She’s tough, she’s cool, but she’s got enough flaws in her character to make her feel human. And every panel I see her in she looks great.

As forced as it’s starting to feel now, the world-building is done well. Again, I think everything that needs to be explained is explained. Hell, I’m tempted to make a Tokyo Ghoul OC with all the information I know about it.

This is more about the character design, but I really like how unique every ghoul’s mask is. My favorite designs are Kuro and Shiro, they really complement each other well.

Phew, this essay took awhile to finish, but at least it didn’t take 3 days like the Juni Taisen one. For all my issues, I really like this series a lot. I don’t know if I like it enough to continue to :Re, but that all depends on how the series ends Part 1 I suppose.

But... what about you all? I’m tagging the fandom after all. What’s the general thoughts on the Tokyo Ghoul manga? And... is there a budding Tokyo Ghoul OC community like My Hero Academia? I’m gonna’ probably work on a Tokyo Ghoul OC after posting this, so... look out for that.

And as always when I finish these essays about shows and anime, Allen’s Best Girl for Tokyo Ghoul is definitely Miss Touka Kirishima. I could honestly Ramble about why I like her so much, but... I think this’ll suffice for now. I’m a little tired after working on this essay, so a cute picture of her should do fine.

#your dictator is speaking #tokyo ghoul

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