#k posting

[catgirlthroatgoat]

So it turns out it is the easiest thing in the world to drop me into subspace and my mouth will automatically drop open if you tease my lips <- Girl who definitely wasn't teased into oblivion by her gf

[nativesaiki]

need them to fail the bechdel test together

[ghost-kanade]

Ena finds herself in the Empty Sekai. The last time she was here, she... They both...

She never wanted to be here again. But yet, here she is. After yet another argument with her dad.

...Mizuki probably died too. If not here, then. Sometime soon after. I haven't seen her since...

Ena soon slumps against a steel beam. Unaware of her surroundings.

@sole-survivor-ena

The air around Ena would soon grow cold.....Colder than the Sekai would normally be.... In the distance , right above the very river where it happened , a ghostly figure that looks eerily similar to your former friend would rise above "Ena....."

[k-nightcord-25]

...This is never going to get easier- is it-?

...Hello, Kanade.

-@kanadad-official

….Dad?…

What…are you doing here?

[grimaldiapologist]

Potentially crossposted content.

I admit nothing, but -

had our first session with a new therapist yesterday.

She's studying to specialise in trauma/dissociation, so I'm probably one of the first of these patients she's treating as a specialist. My first impression of her is that I love her and the way she goes on about her job, it feels really natural and like I'm really being heard and listened to, which... was really lacking in the latter part of my previous therapy attempt when my therapist ran out of juices due to personal reasons.

We ran a bit overtime on our session, which I honestly found adorable, like, wow, she seems to enjoy chatting with me enough to let it run past the allocated time slot? Awesome.

It's really scary, though, in a lot ways, because this is the first time I'm doing proper face to face therapy in general, though I've spent years and years in outpatient treatment it's just not really the same, the general feel of setting up a therapy relationship that might last for a decade+ is totally different and exactly what I really need after going 20 years with my contact constantly swapping out at the one or two year mark, which has been... destabilising, to say the least.

She was also really interested in my presentation, which was interesting to me, because I don't really get to hear how other people (especially professionals) observe me in general. Though I was explicitly bringing forwards some observations about myself, she was noting other things that were escaping me or that I didn't see as abnormal, and connecting dots between different things I was bringing up that in my mind were unrelated to dissociation but were related from her perspective. Apparently sitting beside myself observing my reactions and behaviour is a dissociative symptom, lol. It's just what I do - I'm constantly aware of how I'm behaving, what symptoms I'm presenting, like a scientist with a notebook observing animal behaviour in different settings. Like yeah that sounds dissociative, but I thought it was more like... I'm just trained to do this. I guess it would show differently if I wasn't entirely spaced out from my own head all of the time?

Similarly, I noticed really interesting things about myself during the session, like that my body language and behaviour were extremely anxious with rapid speech and lots of fidgeting, and felt teary on multiple occasions physically, but I didn't actually feel shit internally and talking about my life or trauma or anything never affects me mentally in any capacity, I bring it up like it's the weather. I apparently also always start stuttering and stammering and using a lot of qualifiers and filler words when I start talking about dissociation and particularly the system/parts because I just cannot hold a thought together and my sentences vanish from my head midway through, which upon reflecting with my most disclosure-critical protector seems to be a new behaviour to restrict the amount of information I can "babble" out so it doesn't injure the system overall. (We still have no clue how any of this happens, nobody's consciously controlling it, but at least we can observe.) When we first started exploring the dissociative symptoms, I often got reprimanded by and in trouble with this protector because I was telling too much and he felt that it was profoundly unsafe and unwise, but when I checked with him after this appointment, he just told me I'm okay and getting on my case about it didn't help either way because I'm too timid and easily harmed by conflict, so the "blocking" of disclosure works better than dialogue. Lol? I guess.

Also chose the approach of not really bringing my diagnoses into the therapy just yet, because it honestly doesn't matter what they are, I'm there to treat my actual issues, not labels. So while I'm diagnosed with DID, we seemed to be in agreement with the therapist that not strictly focusing on that but rather observing what's generally going on right now is the most important part. She's very respectful and accepting of my own reporting of my identity and experience, so I never felt the need to be pushing specifics with her as long as we're focusing on the right things and communicating openly - I thought I'd be more protective of these "labels", because I've always had to fight to have my actual experiences recognised and listened to, from the most basic things like depression and anxiety upwards, but it just never felt necessary here. She was already pointing out multiple dissociative symptoms in how I was presenting to her, besides the parts that I'd disclosed, and I feel like that's exactly the right approach to be taking for now. Just mapping out what's actually happening versus what's been labeled beforehand, particularly because my goddamn history with mental health care is so patchy and nobody's really ever taken the time of day to figure it all out. She's also very caution first in her approach, careful not to push into territories that are unsafe and putting the breaks on me with constant checks on if I'm okay talking about this topic or if I'm feeling resistance internally on talking about it, etc., which felt really safe.

Anyway. Yep. Had a good time.

[grimaldiapologist]

So, TMI, but my dog died six days ago. A perfectly natural thing, he was 13 and had been on the downward swing for a year - we actually got a year more with him than initially expected, he was so poorly last year for no obvious reason that I was 100% expecting him to pass before fall. But he perked up again, had another good almost-a-year left in him. Even now, it wasn't a surprise in the slightest when he went; he'd started having accidents in the house to the point where I'd feed him on the porch so he had easy access to the lawn instead of having to feel embarrassed about pooping indoors, and just a couple days before his passing, he hit the "one last good day" and I just knew. The night he got sick, I actually woke up to him shaking away an itch and coughing and something in me just knew that was it for him, as if these two perfectly normal things weren't perfectly normal that night.

Alas, it was rough a rough one for me anyway. After spending his last 20 hours on a mattress on the floor with him, we had a vet visit at home to put him to sleep, and he was never in any significant pain or afraid, just tired. It was a good end for the goodest of boys.

After, I had a short cry, felt better and had a magnificent time going to the store and getting some fresh air, then had a HORRIBLE night sobbing ugly on the floor, after which I slept for nine hours like a baby. The next morning, I was fine, then wasn't, then was again, then wasn't, went to the store and felt like a bag of bricks. The next morning, didn't get out of bed for six hours, because everything was so fucking pointless and there's nothing to get up for anyway. I drank about one fifth of the amount I should have during this time and the idea of having fluids made me feel ill.

Now, for the past two days, I've been feeling perfectly fine. I keep jolting to some awareness of, god, where's the dog, did I forget him outside? Oh... right. But aside from that, I haven't felt any significant urge to fall off my feet and cry on the floor until I'm gagging. However, I'm now apparently unable to sleep entirely. Back to my old insomniac ways of not having more than 4 hours of sleep a night. As a bonus, my body has no idea whether it's supposed to be sleeping at night or in the morning. Prior to last Friday, my sleep cycle was around "sleep at 10 in the night", and now it's "sleep at 6 in the morning but still wake up as if I went to bed at 10 in the night". I have no idea how to fix this and frankly, I don't care enough to, I'm too tired, I'm too struggling to adjust to my new normal to bother with something as destined to fail as trying to negotiate with my sleep issues.

But it's very "convenient" that this hit exactly when I stopped showing symptoms emotionally. It's very interesting that this hit exactly when I started showing symptoms of dissociation - thinking I just "forgot" the dog, or "lost" the dog, when I can't see him in the house. Very curious, very interesting indeed. And very interesting that all of the above happened right when I gained access to my usual methods of coping with distress, which is video games; the past couple weeks, I've been nearly entirely gameless due to a broken video card.

Funny how these things "coincide".

In all seriousness, though, I'm proud of the grief work done in this house while we had access to it. We're long-time users of the Calm app, and it has been amazing during this time. Not only that, but despite being generally aversed to emotions, particularly strong emotions, and especially grief, guilt, and anger - we've truly felt all of these things very profoundly and allowed it to happen.

So, maybe when the feelings come back from the war, they'll be at least half-handled already.

Btw, if you have not had tragedy dropped on you before, grief does fuck you up in unexpected and physical ways. If you can’t sleep or sleep more than expected or have more or reduced appetite, or energy goes weird— your brain just had a bunch of emotions dropped on it and sometimes it reacts by hitting every button in your brain. It will pass. Just try to not get too frustrated with yourself.

It’s also fine if you feel normal. Grief literally hits everybody differently, and some people are made to be able to to keep the farm going the day after a death, and some of us turn into sleepless gargoyles and get really into trying to help, and some of us are just unspeakably sad. Grief is weird. Be kind to yourself.

[mroddmod]

the queen of the disco or whatever

[syrupup]

gentle somno ... sliding yourself inside me while i feel super sleepy and i can't do much besides gasp softly and let you do as you please. even though you know i can't fight you, you still grab onto my hips with the slightest bit of pressure and thrust gently into me over and over again. i whine and moan ever so sweetly, fighting both my sleepiness and the overwhelming pleasure that you're giving me until you hold my mouth shut and tell me to simply go back to sleep. we both know that it's not that easy, yet i still try and end up falling asleep to the feeling of you filling my insides as i deserve🩶

[litcest]

List 5 things that make you happy, then put this in the askbox for the last 10 people who liked or reblogged something from you! Get to know your mutuals and followers ^.^

Aww thank you so much for thinking of me!!! I love ask games!

Okay... damn it's hard to think on my top five things, but I guess here it goes:

Spending time with my boyfriend

Reading

Playing video games

Writing (even tho I don't do it very often because college keeps me busy)

Drawing (even tho I kinda suck at it and no one will ever see my art because I refuse to share with anyone other than my bf)

[catgirlthroatgoat]

Can now confirm: Having my neck bitten just completely shuts my brain off......

[roxxokore]

Every once in a while. Someone figures out what's going on in my life. And they try to "save" me. I don't know how to tell him that there's no saving me. This is my life now and forever. And if they somehow did "save" me they'll end up in the same cycle.

"We'll get married I promise, and I'll get you some help." I want that so bad. I'd love to get married. But marriage is eternity for me. And I don't believe that anyone who says they wanna marry me, truly understands the implications of that. I don't think anyone will ever love me so much that's they'd be willing to put up with me forever. I know what I am, and I wouldn't wish the burden of that on anyone. Much less someone who somehow, for some reason. Loved me unconditionally

Still. It's nice to dream. Maybe one day. I could have gotten married. And I'd fulfil my role of loving like a dog

[poorlilpubby]

Force me to rape myself on your cock. Have me bounce up n down on it while you have your hand around my throat. Grope my body as I ride you. Whisper all the horrible things you wanna do to me into my ear. Tell me not to stop moving or I'll regret it. Make fun of me for having such a wet cunt while being violated. When you get bored flip me over and pound your cum into me. Pull out n watch it slowly drip down.

[k-nightcord-25]

Currently pouring an energy drink into a pot of coffee…mmmm caffeine

[grimaldiapologist]

One thing that came as a bit of a surprise with DID is the names the alters come equipped with, as it happens for us - there's no name picking involved, parts just tend to know their names and it just... is what it is.

But from this brain, I would have honestly expected everyone to come out with names like Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way. Instead, they're coming in with names like Toni (Tony for you English folks, this is not a fancy spelling, just Finnish) and Alex (for a fucking xenomorph) and Wendy. Billie.

Names that we've never particularly liked, or have even considered unappealing, just happen to be their names. Zero consideration, zero choice involved. They just are what they are, and these are often just... such mundane names.

Even the coverups that our guys use when they're not comfortable coming in fully exposed are relatively normal. Usva, mist, is just a word in Finnish that happens to describe how this part feels about himself and reflects his more poetic nature. Vixen referring both to the animal this part has formed a playful relation with and the old-fashioned slang word for a specific type of a woman, where the shoe, frankly, fits.

For the second time in our life, the host part is changing our legal name to reflect her own. From a name that was derived from our father and grandfather to a name that simply means Rain, which, while uncommon, is very much a name that parents give their children in Finland.

It's always been funny, but it's gained an extra sense of irony the longer we've been diagnosed and subsequently aware of the discourse from idiots surrounding the diagnosis. One of the most common ways people come out questioning the legitimacy of DID is asking, sarcastically, why everyone in any given system always has fancy and unique names instead of just being a dude named Tim. As it so happens, we have one right here.

[choco-bite]

You deserve to be pounded hard and loved hard after ✨