#just. thinking about this in the context of an artist who lives and breathes my art. this symphony makes me insane (appreciative)

[scattered-winter]

continuing my musicposting because have you ever thought abt how beethoven's 9th symphony was composed without him ever hearing a single note ?? he did the whole thing completely deaf. and especially the 4th movement ??? which is quite literally called "ode to joy" ?? and a celebration of humanity and joy that he never got to hear ??? waughghhhh

[cipheramnesia]

This is the process my brain goes through every time I see anything about Netflix Avatar The Last Airbender.

My first reaction is always: Why? The original, although not without flaws, doesn't leave a lot of room to improve. A good remake or adaptation usually involves an updated context or change in perspective that adds to the original work and gives it new meaning. It's a risky undertaking because it usually involves wanting to take on something established as iconic and make it your own. But Netflix is a corporation and seems very risk averse for the most part. Its only investment is in the name recognition of AtLA. It's hard to visualize Netflix deliberately taking a big risk on an expensive show.

My second reaction is: How? The original series is about 1400 minutes over 61 episodes, and it still had to rush the ending. We're looking at 8 episodes of roughly 45-60 minutes per episode for season 1, which would require Netflix to let it run more than 3 seasons, if the series has similar pacing. Historically however Netflix shows have glacial pacing, and rarely make three seasons. Not really sure how they plan to tell the story if the series is anything like the average Netflix series, meaning it either needs to undercut the story or let the series breathe for at least five seasons. But nothing Netflix has done makes me want to watch anything they make as an ongoing series? Why bother, they cancel everything I enjoy. So I wonder how. What's the hook to say "this will be able to provide something new and interesting compared to the original, and will be allowed to tell the complete story."

Which leads me to think, but you can't judge if something is good without seeing it. Except none of this is about whether it's good, I just find myself wondering what are the odds it's worth the effort? They're low, and it has nothing to do with whether or not it's even any good on its own merits.

Following this, I ask myself, what would a good version of this be. Imagine you are making a live action series with eight hour long episodes per season based on a children's cartoon with 20 thirty minute episodes per season. You are trying to encompass a story which was presented over three seasons as a cartoon, and you do not know if you will have more than those eight episodes. It's made for Netflix which, in terms of a company which will protect the hard earned fruits of your artistic labor, is the fox guarding the henhouse. What do you do?

If you are looking to make something good, that respects your audience investment and your own work, you make radical changes to the story. You change the pacing, the character arcs, the plot arcs. You make sure you deliver a complete story in those episodes with as much respect for the original work and as many new ideas as you can.

Except, at that point, what is even the point of a remake. The only way to work with it is either to trust Netflix allowing you to finish the story (which you'd need to be incredibly naive to do), or tell a story so different it may as well be wholly original. And that's where I always end up. Like, it'll probably be fine, but what's the point of it all? Another vanishing digital property to get canceled because of some undefinable failure to return on investment.

I think about it a lot because the two ends of the spectrum seem to be "dunk on every new piece of information" or "wait and see" but the only conclusion I can ever reach is "why even care?" That's been the lesson to take home from digital streaming in general when it comes to series, but Netflix in particular, and honestly for movie series too. If it can't be self contained, the companies who produce and release these kinds of series just cannot be trusted with it, and there are too many good original stories being put out to care anymore about big budget promises that one day they will definitely for sure deliver a finished story, this time for real.

I care enough to think about why I don't feel anything at all about Netflix Avatar. It'll be fine, whatever else. Just fine.

[jmdbjk]

Make assumptions and get the wrong idea. Please. That's what he said.

My brain listening to Who:

(on the beat of course)

Sorry for the brain porn but that's how my brain feels when I hear Jimin's vocals. The runs, the ad libs, the highs, lows, and in-betweens, the breathing, especially the breathing. Especially in the 4K version of the Tonight Show performance posted on BangtanTV.

For many years now I've been wanting to hear Jimin let 'er rip on a big song and FINALLY! FINALLY!

FINALLY!

I started to jot down my interpretations of Who but you know what? no one needs yet another analyzation of the song, the lyrics, the MV, the belt sharing, the ... but one thing I need to point out... Ryan's Vintage Clothes is definitely a nod to Ryan Gosling don't you think? (just kidding sorta)

A ton of people have given their dissertations on what they think it all means. All I know is Jimin has that MAGIC and he is FLEXING big time.

This is my favorite shot from the most recent promo image drop on Weverse. I have always dissented when Jimin would say his left side is his best side. No sir. It's your right side.

The entire Muse album is a complete mind-bender for me. He came up with the ideas and themes and what he couldn't do on his own, he explained to all the people helping him in order to create his vision...

PDogg said this in an interview: "I also believe the experience of collaborating with various producers and songwriters in LA and NY gave Jimin the opportunity to further explore his limitless potential."

Minseong Kim (Performance Director): "When we were working together, I saw Jimin putting a lot of thought into delivering the song's choreography as a visual art form. He uses his detailed expressions to convey various artistic elements in the performance beyond simply presenting stylish, energetic choreography. He is always devoted to emphasizing the artistic elements of the performance by forming a visceral connection to it. I believe that his commitment and passion has shaped Jimin's unique style and allows him to deliver one of the most exciting performances in pop music."

and:

"We had countless discussions about how to visually articulate the story and message of the song through the performance on a larger scale, in a manner that's true to the song's title Who. When the choreography was completed Jimin was utterly pleased with the performance having all the elements he had wished to incorporate."

You can read the entire VMAGAZINE article here.

Regarding the other songs on the album, in MiniMoniMusic Exchange, Jimin mentioned that Rebirth was his favorite track. I do love it too, Jimin. The heartbeat, the poignancy. Perfection.

And I have to compare Be Mine to Seven. In Jungkook's Seven, the explicit version was so very literal and so in your face it was funny, even the MV added to the unserious vibe of it all.

But in Jimin's, Be Mine, he has probably the most erotic lyric I've ever heard coming out of the mouth of a Tannie: "... a hot island, a party with just the two of us; I know what you want and baby I want the same; love ‘til the morning; we just keep fallin’... baby come, baby come; show me what, show me what love is, yeah yeah; melt me hot, hot, hot quickly"

I am streaming all the versions of all the songs and album. I absolutely love it.

Now that I got that out of my system...

It's been about a year (??!?!?) since Jungkook's Only Fans debut live stream. Time is flying.

We are anticipating gaining more context soon surrounding exactly what went down between them the prior two weeks to this live and what did Jimin mean when he said he "can handle it? (Are you sure you wanna know?)

There is a high possibility we might get some jikook carpool karaoke.

The main trailer drops Monday. Hold on to your ... whatever it is you hold on to when you get shook because I'm sure it'll be another earthquake on the timeline.

All lyrics translations credit: © 2024 by Learn Korean With Sel www.learnkoreanwithsel.com/

[bookscandlesnbts]

RPWP by RM Thoughts

I know I haven’t been active in a hot minute, and I’ve wanted to be; I even have some drafts. But life has been kicking my ass recently and I’ve been really down and not up to posting or trying to collect my thoughts. I want to do this album justice though because I know the stupid fandom won’t at this point and everyone is only screaming about the few sexual lyrics and missing the point of everything per usual. Maybe that’s just the salty asexual as me, but god there are more messages in this album than sex that should be given wayyy more attention like the fact that Namjoon has told everyone to fuck off when it comes to him smoking and him saying fuck you to the government that he’s not a diplomat. Anyway, I love the album. This is what I wanted from Joon minus my Frank feature that I will forever cry about not getting. This album really reminded me of the instrumental out of the box production and song structure of Tyler the Creator (I’m also a huge fan) and the amount of people in comments I’ve seen on social media being like who is that? have me dumbfounded. Yall please expand your horizons. I promise you can listen to other music besides BTS. Tyler is widely influential and such a cool artist not to mention that he is very popular. Of course not all fans live in America so I’m not talking about them necessarily, but if you live in the US, you should have heard of Tyler the Creator. To me it makes sense to listen to music adjacent and that was a clear inspiration. Namjoon recs his music taste all the time too, but I digress.

I’ll list my favorites from the album so far in no particular order. I’m a huge fan of the opening track. It’s funky and sets the tone for the record. Other than that, I love all the songs that we get hard hitting rapping from Joon. I love Nuts, Domodachi (shoutout Little Simz ily), out of love, Interlude, Groin. I do like the title track even though it’s not my favorite, but it really picks up halfway through. And I love the closer Come back to me. I feel like Namjoon let out of all his rage and frustration only to come back to himself at the end of the record, and in the context of the album as a whole, it’s even more meaningful and beautiful.

Since I’m in music circles with people who love artists who definitely influenced this record and featured on it like Little Simz, I am hoping that they give it a spin but not holding my breath. Regardless, I think Namjoon is amazing and I’m so glad that he gets to carve his own path as an artist and make the music that he wants to make.

Lastly, I can’t wait to see Joon and Mimi listen to this album. I bet they will have some introspective and deep conversations as well as a multitude of Jimin giggles from the amount of cursing and those sprinkles of the sexual lyrics that yall are just relentless about.

That’s it from me, for now. Hoping for good news next week but preparing for the worst as well.

[choco-cherry-chunk]

Thinking a lot about OFMD Steddyhands mpreg bullshit as usual but in such a tragic way because I love drama and horror and as much as I post kink and sweetness on this blog, I’m a horror and literary writer in my regular life lol. I want Izzy getting knocked up super young, prior to ever knowing Ed or piracy or anything of the like. His life wasn’t beautiful or soft or good, but he’s still a romantic at heart - call it the whimsy of youth or the impact of his mother, who knows? And when the owner of the boarding house he’s staying in knocks him up, the capital-R Romantic in him builds up a fantasy. That this man has fallen in love with him, that they will have a family, that they will live a simple and tender life together. But that’s just not how things work. Near the end of his second trimester, something happens. Some dockworkers, pirates, whoever, go after him. Who could say why? Later, there’s some talk that they were hired by the boarding house owner’s wife. But it ultimately doesn’t matter. His child never takes a breath and he is forced to bury him alone. Within a week, he’s out at sea, eventually to meet Ed and a crew of his own.

But beyond the past, I’m thinking of how such a reveal would exist with the main three. For Izzy, I feel like - because of what’s written above and the personal head canon that he’s not exactly careful during sex and has tended to either miscarry or abort conceptions with random pirates, he knows the signs of having gotten pregnant by his men. But he figures it is bound to be gone soon enough and does nothing. But there are little things. Changes he makes to care more for this possibility. Because while he will deny it to his last breath, the crew of The Revenge has invited that small capital-R Romantic back to him and maybe he does want a child, wants that softness with Ed and Stede, though he doesn’t know the first thing about such an existence.

For Ed, he would be caught in the middle. On one hand, I think he would fear becoming his father. Not just that he would treat a child in the manner that his father had, but that the title alone is enough to build resentment. That being called “Dad” is almost like a curse, having never known anyone to have a positive connection to that title in his life. He wants to play possum and pretend it isn’t happening, pointedly ignoring any changes that may need to be considered for their future. On the other hand, I also think he would only look at the surface level of the pregnancy and be excited. A baby is a child and children are entertaining. They’re weird and funny and different. He would see the baby to come almost as a commodity or toy, though not intentionally and would not see his views as that, but it is true. Kind of like the inn, he sees this future as a game, and is ready to take on the role (a word chosen very specifically) as father.

For Stede, as much as I love his sweetness and tender nature, I think it would be a mask that is slipping in this context. There is an artist on Twitter that did this beautiful comic (as soon as I can find it, I will link it and the artist here) about Ed and Stede’s time on the island building their inn, during which Ed is trans and gets pregnant, and he continues to have nightmares about Izzy’s death. All the while, Stede is clearly restless, happy to have Ed but not inclined to his return to land and monotony. He said himself that he isn’t meant for domesticity. And I know that the end of the show was rushed for reasons, but I wish Stede and Ed’s uncertainty of their future had been stretched; Stede’s pirating career building as Ed’s is coming to an end is fascinating. But to throw in a baby (and thus a clock) is all the more chaotic. Stede so often takes on this role of lightness and care, but he left his family for a reason. He loves them, but he didn’t want them. And now, the same thing he didn’t want has essentially followed him. How can thinks work out for the three of them? AUGH, I JUST WANT TO UNPACK THIS CHAOS!!

[mixtape--oh]

Paint for me – Hyunjin

Hyunjin x barista Jinsol, circa September 2023

After his ugly breakup, Hyunjin was having trouble with his art. Little did he know that he only needed a certain trigger from a certain someone.

This is a direct sequel of the previous two installments, be sure to read those first for context!

The moment Hyunjin finally finished processing the sight before him, it was as the entire shop – the entire world, really – came crashing down on him. 

Despite the mountain of art supplies he'd ordered during his post-breakup daze, still Hyunjin wasn't able to paint since the breakup. He was convinced that his ex-girlfriend had taken away his art, along with his heart, when they decided to part. Today, after facing a blank canvas for hours and still couldn't bring himself to bring it to life, Hyunjin decided that he'd had enough of it; he missed painting, missed enjoying the whole process of making art, missed the feeling of pouring out his thoughts and feelings onto the familiar white surface. It's about time for him to do something about it. 

And the first step he took to get his art back, as foolish as it sounded, was to go out to his go-to art shop and buy even more art supply. 

All three of his dormmates were hunched together in the living room – presumably working on a song – when he made to leave, and even Jisung was looking at him with a concerned look when he told them where he was going. "I think an entire room filled with art supplies is quite enough art supplies already." 

"It's enough art supplies for years," Changbin added. "You're seriously gonna get your room invested by some kind of actual pest if you buy more, Hyunjin-ah." 

"But I ordered them all online," Hyunjin insisted. "And I bought them mainly to reminisce about her, which is a wrong reason to begin with. Now I'm going to actually walk into the store, actually pick the supplies with my own hands, actually go to the cashier to pay for it, and try to actually make something out of it. There's an entirely different process to that, and I believe it's a process I need to reignite the spark of art inside me." 

"Alright," Chris said, beating Changbin who was already opening his mouth to try to knock some more sense into Hyunjin's head. "You go do that. Call us if you need anything." 

Hyunjin looked at the eldest hyung with relief. "Thank you for understanding, hyung." 

Hyunjin thought he heard him saying in hushed whispers something about "let him be, we'll do an intervention later" as he was walking away and out of the dormitory. He paid it no mind, determined to just prove them wrong by buying the stuff he needed and get himself to paint again. 

Now though, as he found himself struggling to breathe and gripping the counter so hard his knuckles went white, he wondered if he'd really made the right decision to come here – to this very shop that he knew very well was also her go-to art shop, too. 

It started off as a hunch, a faint tug on his insides when he was strolling down the brush aisle and had a whiff of the familiar, familiar scent of her. He brushed it off immediately because his ex-girlfriend – who was a professional artist – always smelled like art supplies, and he was at an art shop. Of course he'd smell the scent of art supplies here, and it's coming from the literal supplies surrounding him, not from her. 

But then, as he stood by the counter waiting for the cashier to finish checking out his stuff, he heard her voice. It was clearly, undoubtedly, unmistakably the voice of that ex-girlfriend of his because he knew it better than he knew his own, had it ricocheting in a seemingly eternal echo inside his head. And if he was hearing her voice, it could only mean that she was right here, right now, sharing the same space and time as Hyunjin, because unlike her familiar scent from earlier, there's no way the art supplies here could produce her voice. 

It was coming from his right; not too close, probably a few meters down the paint aisle, but still close enough for him to make out her every drag of syllable. She was talking about paint types, a topic they'd once discussed too, and Hyunjin couldn't help but wonder with who she was discussing it this time. 

He didn't have to wonder for so long, because just a few seconds later he heard another voice replying to her words, and it was a man. 

He faintly heard the cashier spelling out the total amount he had to pay for his supplies, but Hyunjin couldn't bring himself to respond, not when his entire attention was absorbed to the two voices not far from him. He really shouldn't look, he thought. It wouldn't do him any good to look. But even as his brain was frantically blaring the alarm on exactly how much of a bad idea it was for him to look, his body continued betraying him as if it had a mind on its own. Before he knew it, he was already facing the direction of the paint aisle – and there she was. 

Hyunjin was sure he no longer had control over any of his body parts because no matter how deafening were the warnings in his head trying to stop him, his eyes were immediately drawn to her figure because there she was indeed, it was really her. Even his brain could no longer put up any defense, surrendering by registering how she looked as good as he remembered; gleaming eyes, flushed cheeks, frantic moves of hands as she passionately defended her choice of preferring oil paint to acrylic – yet another topic she'd covered with Hyunjin years ago. His heart followed suit, contributing on the betrayal by admitting that he missed her because he really did miss her, a lot; more than he could handle, more than he cared to admit. 

Then his traitorous eyes moved to the figure next to her. It was indeed a man, and he had an arm slung over her shoulders in a loose embrace as they walked side by side. He was wearing a formal-looking suite and had an equally formal-looking briefcase in his free hand, and Hyunjin's entire being throbbed with near-physical pain when the realization hit: she'd really found someone who was not an artist, someone with a mundane office job, someone with more stability to anchor her. Someone who could be everything Hyunjin could not. 

It was as the entire shop – the entire world, really – came crashing down on him, suffocating him with a million and one things. 

"Sir? Are you okay?" 

Surprisingly enough, it was the cashier's voice that sobered him up. Hyunjin snapped back to his senses, quickly paid for his things and went for the door even more quickly. He paused for a fleeting moment, hand on the door handle, wondering if he should say hi to her – 

No, his brain interrupted before he could finish the thought, and this time the rest of him agreed unanimously. He was already out of the shop in the next second. 

Hyunjin's first thought was to call Changbin's number from his speed dial. Chris had told him to call them if he needed anything anyway. But apparently the rest of him had a different idea, and soon enough he found himself nearly sprinting to the place where he knew a certain someone would be. 

The all-too-familiar sound of the bell above the door of the all-too-familiar café didn't feel painful anymore by now – both because he'd been here often enough without his ex-girlfriend, but also because his previous encounter with said ex-girlfriend was admittedly more painful. He scrambled to the register, nearly tripping on his long legs, only to not find the certain someone he'd thought would be here. 

"Hello," the person behind the counter that was most definitely not the one he's looking for – Yerin, her name tag said – greeted him with a bright smile. "What can I get for you?" 

"Er," Hyunjin stammered, struggling a little to both catch his breath and organize his words. "I'm looking for – " 

"I'll take this one, Yerin." 

As Yerin the other barista gave out an okay, Hyunjin turned to see exactly who he was looking for. Jinsol stood by the door leading to the kitchen, in the middle of putting her apron back on. She smiled when his eyes met hers. "Go pick a table, I'll be right there soon with your drink." 

Soon enough they were already sitting across each other on a table by the corner, far from the register and even farther from the door. Hyunjin was taking a long sip of his drink; he needed that, he realized, after all the commotion he'd gone through. 

Jinsol let out a small laugh. "Easy there, pretty boy. Did you just run all the way to here?" 

"Pretty much," Hyunjin muttered, putting his glass down before he could finish the drink in one go. It was his favorite, the one Jinsol crafted for him that one time Minho and Iris came here, and he didn't want to straight up down it just to wash away his shock without savoring it. 

"Well, lucky you did. You probably wouldn't catch me if you didn't, I was just about to head home." 

"It's end of your shift already?" Hyunjin registered that she was in fact no longer wearing her barista uniform; she'd traded it for a simple plain white blouse tucked into a pair of khaki pants. It was his first time seeing her outside her uniform, he realized, and couldn't help but notice that she looked cute. Not that she's not cute in her uniform – 

"Yep," Jinsol's voice cut off Hyunjin's wandering train of thoughts. She nodded at the paper bag he'd put on the chair next to him. "What do you have in there? Did you go on a shopping free?" 

Hyunjin grimaced as the previous event at the art shop came back to him. "Kind of. It's art supplies." 

To his surprise, Jinsol's eyes lit up at his answer. "Sweet. So you can paint something for me right here, right now." 

Hyunjin blinked at her statement. "Paint something for you?" 

"Yeah. You talk about your art a lot, but I still haven't seen any of your creations. Now that you have your supplies here, you can just whip up a quick painting for me. So I can see for myself how good you are." 

All thoughts of telling Jinsol about the encounter with his ex-girlfriend slowly left Hyunjin's mind, replaced by the bleak recollection of being unable to paint. "I don't know..." 

"You've been forever insisting on paying me for the drinks I made you, right? Why don't you just paint something small and simple for me, and we'll call it even?" 

"But, Jinsol-ah – " 

But then his hand got the better of him and started moving on their own; as if being commanded by someone else, they went through the bag of supplies and, even as Hyunjin was still trying to process what he was doing, started taking out a small canvas and a box of acrylic. 

Jinsol smiled at him. "Okay, pretty boy, now we're talking." 

And to have her smile at him like that, Hyunjin thought, there's only few things he wouldn't do. 

The rest just came to him, so naturally that his brain was struggling to keep up. Next thing he knew he was already running his brush all over the canvas. It didn't take that long before every inch of the white surface was no longer white, replaced by an explosion of colors. 

"Wow," Jinsol said when Hyunjin finally put his brush down to inspect the painting. "That, in such a short amount of time? You're good, pretty boy." 

To be honest, Hyunjin thought to himself, it was not his finest. But, "This is the first piece I make since the breakup." 

"What – really?" 

"Yeah," he said, still bewildered at the fact that he finally, finally managed to paint again. "I've been trying, but I just couldn't. It was as if I didn't have any more art in me, as if she took them all away with her when she left." 

Jinsol reached across the table for the painting. Her hand brushed Hyunjin's when she took the canvas from him, and it nearly made him jolt in surprise. In the almost two months of being friends, of constant texting and occasional late night phone calls and a few meet ups here every once in a while, it was the first time they had any form of physical contact. Yet, as he eyed the way her much smaller hand pressed against his momentarily, he thought the added weight and extra warmth of her hand didn't feel foreign at all. In fact, it felt comfortable and... just right. 

"That's weird," she said. 

"Huh?" Hyunjin was a little flustered because there's no way she could hear him thinking about the two of them holding hands, right? 

"Judging from this piece, I'd say you still have plenty of art in you." 

Of course she was talking about the painting. "Yeah?" 

"Yeah. You did it so effortlessly too, as if it's just as natural as breathing for you." 

"It hasn't been like that in a very long while, trust me," he muttered. 

"So it's a good thing I asked you to paint something for me, then." Jinsol put down the painting to give him a short applause. "What were you thinking?" 

"What?" 

"When you were painting this. What were you thinking? What's this about?" 

At the time, Yerin the barista on duty passed by the table and stopped when she saw the painting on the table. "Wah, that's so pretty! It suits you very well, Jinsol." 

Jinsol snapped her head to Yerin very quickly Hyunjin was concerned of her neck. "What do you mean?" 

"Look – the darkness on the outer layers, then the pretty colors on the center. It's just like you; cold-hearted on the outside, but soft once we get to the inside. Although," Yerin added with a laugh, "you only show most people your dark outer layers, Jinsol-ah. You really should work on that." 

"Hey!" 

But Yerin was right; the painting did suit Jinsol well because he was thinking about her, Hyunjin realized. The whole time his hand and brush moved almost unconsciously all over the canvas, his mind was filled with her; how she helped him get over his heartbreak, their late night calls and exchanged texts, and especially how she said she had no difficulties in warming up to him when it was hard for her with most people. 

Jinsol was the one who managed to reignite the art inside him after such a long time, it seemed. And Hyunjin didn't quite know what to do with that realization. 

previously on Find the collage of Hyunjin & Jinsol and the rest of Stray Kids here!

[optimistc-apathy]

Before anything else, I am a writer.

I would also call myself a singer. Or a textile artist, maybe. I could be a sibling, or a friend, or a student, or a baker, or a gardener, or a cook. There is an incredible number of labels you could put on me that would fit.

When I was a kid, I would deny so vehemently that I ever wanted to be a writer. I used to read like it was breathing, and when my relatives would interrupt me in the middle of a story to ask if I'd ever want to author one myself, I would tell them that reading and writing were two different things, thank you very much, and just because I was a reader didn't mean I was a writer.

But, through that love for reading, I ended up figuring out what the phrase "Stockholm Syndrome" meant much younger than you might expect. Think eight or nine, after reading the "Series of Unfortunate Events." Which, if you didn't know, is a notably bad place to garner vocabulary. Lemony Snicket is in the habit of explaining words in a context entirely different from what they actually mean. Still, I have a vivid memory of sitting in a corner of the living room on Thanksgiving as a nine-year-old (reading, naturally), and hearing my sister's boyfriend ask my mom for clarification on the concept of Stockholm Syndrome. I looked up from my book and told him what it was -- much to the chagrin of my parents, who were wondering where I'd learned it.

It's ironic that it was a book that introduced me to the concept of Stockholm Syndrome, and that it was one of the few phrases that Lemony Snicket ever explained correctly. I doubt you're unfamiliar with it, but it means to be trapped or held captive by something, and to grow to love it anyway.

When I think about it now, I realize that it was inevitable that I learned to love to write. I also hated learning how to read, but my dad taught me before I even started kindergarten, and I loved knowing I was better at it than the other kids. It was my way of setting myself apart. I drank so desperately from the books I read that I couldn't help but fill myself with words.

And then, just as inevitably, they had nowhere to go.

That was the first part of my own experience with Stockholm Syndrome. I was folded into myself like origami, with so much to say and no space for it. Every word I'd ever read was crammed into my lungs, and I didn't know what to do with them. It wasn't until I found other people's writing (like Broadway shows I loved, intersectional queer lit, characters that looked and felt and breathed like me, etc.) that I ever wanted to make my own.

I didn't start writing until I was 13. I found my first inspiration -- and what it was, I'll never tell because lord, is it embarrassing -- and I made something out of it. It felt like reaching down into my chest and taking hold of something I barely knew was there and turning myself out onto the page, but in a different font. Whether that be Times New Roman or the chicken scratch I had going in 4 different notebooks simultaneously, there was always something to say. I could never get away from it. And, as the Stockholm Syndrome mention might suggest, I grew to love it.

There is a part of me now that is inextricable from my writing. I put words together to get feelings out, in a way that is both authentic to myself and more beautiful than anything I have ever been. I put words together to process what I've been through. I put words together to write lives that I've never lived, and I grow vicariously through them. I know that love exists because I write it into existence. I am all that I need to be through the words I put down.

At the end of the day, yes. I am fully and completely bound to my writing. I am trapped in a way that I will never experience elsewhere. I would be nothing without it.

But fuck, I love it.

[gobbinhalfglass]

Someone who didn’t know I write just got ahold of something I wrote and their response was “Wow this could’ve been super depressing and crushing for all the characters involved! Why didn’t you do that?”

Because when you’ve seen enough hopelessness and crushed spirits in real life, you don’t tend to have a taste for it in fiction, sir. I’m not planning to publish this work, so I don’t need to think about what the biggest reaction would be from a reader. I’m going to write happy endings even in stories where people struggle every step of the way because God damn it there isn’t enough of that in the world.

I have no doubt I could write horror and tragedy very well. But y’know what? Fuck that. There’s enough horror and tragedy in the world around me and I see no reason to fill my personal projects with it. “Oh but you could convey what you feel to an audience!” How about I don’t add my experienced pain and fear to others’ already bleak perception of the world? I don’t want anyone to understand it like that because that means they understand it. Why would I wish that on someone? I’d much prefer to make a fleeting smile than a lasting existential crisis in someone. I want to put into the world what it lacks, not what there’s too much of. I’m not gonna write anything really dystopian because y’know what? I live in a fucking dystopia at this point and it is really god damn boring. Nobody seems to want to admits either of those things but jesus christ… So many people feel it in their bones. Maybe some fucked up things happen in a story, but why does that tragedy need to be further compounded with more tragedy ad infinum to be interesting to some people? Why can’t a singular tragedy exist as its own fully formed plot point, with all the influence on characters and events that entails? Why do people want a character to just suffer over and over in a story that doesn’t fucking need that?

For context, my protagonist only found out he committed matricide immediately after striking a killing blow to the story’s witch-queen antagonist. And she dropped some pretty big plot twisting things in her dying breaths. APPARENTLY it’s been deemed more interesting for him to spiral into alcoholism, depression and self-destruction over it than to grieve healthily and actually grapple with his actions. This guy hasn’t been prone to extreme responses to emotion up until this point, he’s been on multiple literal battlefields and failed to save people. So the suggestion that he should suddenly turn to alcohol and totally self-destruct over this one event kind of pissed me off. Especially when he’s got two close friends who’re still there for him right there when this all went down. “But it’d be a better story!” No. Fuck off. You don’t get to read my stories anymore. The protagonist will grieve and process in the presence of his found family like the reasonably well-adjusted warrior he has been shown to be already.

Anyway, this was mostly just a vent post about my own artistic preference and the fact that people seem so smitten with dystopian tragedy in their fiction that they seem to expect it from me. Kinda pisses me off that people want more sadness in media, frankly. I realize that’s a hot take on the “Put that character into situations” website but good god people are just in love with torturing characters when there’s not much to gain from it.

As a side note, kudos to all the people whose characters or fanfics actually have depicted character growth from the situations later down the line.

[queerasaurus-rexx]

i truly dislike the proship/antiship discourse, as i think forcing people to shove their opinions on complex issues in fiction into column a or column b is reductive and completely ignores the context regarding ship dynamics.

age gaps, for example, often get the context pulled out. an age gap between two people in their twenties is like

worlds different from a twenty-year-old dating a fifty-year-old, but anti ship discourse tends to treat both scenarios with the same weight.

and that's not even getting into the paedophilia discourse (which, funnily-not-funnily enough, tends to heavily target queer ships. i wonder why that is.)

the real paedos are on twitter. ao3 doesn't have a direct messaging function (grooming is much easier on sites with a dm feature), and most folks who post porn online are not intending for children to be exposed to it.

and if you really cared about these issues, why are you on tumblr telling an artist who barely gets reblogged to kill themselves for their art and not

you know

yelling at real paedophiles on twitter? yelling at the people on instagram who openly admit they are attracted to real life children and talk about sharing actual child porn?

i do not like art and fic about adults assaulting minors. but i would much prefer using my energy to protect living and breathing children than getting uppity at an author who wrote a ship like that.

on the flipside, however, i think proshippers also tend to let a lot of shit slide that they really shouldn't.

like, racism.

objectively both sides are bad for that, but like, proshippers tend to take their 'fiction doesn't affect reality' argument to mean stuff like slave x master shit about actual chattel slavery is fine. (i have SEEN this shit with my own eyes, do NOT tell this doesn't happen)

this is what i mean when i say both sides have issues with context.

it's ok to admit a ship is in poor taste and probably shouldn't be a thing. it will not kill you. you do not have to defend a gross ship because you support other ships like it.

context. matters.

and do not get me started on those toxic ass enemies to lovers ships that are really just abuse. you've got people like e.l james openly admitting she thinks abuse is a love story, and colleen hoover writing actual, physical assault as romantic. like, she doesn't even have the bdsm excuse (which doesn't really even fly with fifty shades, but you know).

you want a moment where fiction actually affects reality, check the correlation between the release of fifty shades of grey and the increase of its target demographic entering abusive relationships.

sometimes fiction does affect reality, though that fiction tends to need a huge boom in popularity and have a target demographic of people who are still figuring their shit out.

anyway i can't wait for the torrent of hatemail from both sides.

my inbox is open, though that doesn't guarantee i'm gonna read it.

[twinkskeletons]

okay first off, love you <333 and secondly, it’s gonna. well i can’t promise it’s gonna get better tomorrow or next week but it might, you never know!!! that’s the thing about us (rock bottom sue eye cide craving 20-somethings), things can’t really get much worse anyway so! the only way is up! (<- me forcing myself into optimism so i don’t kms)

what i can promise is that your life isn’t meaningless, waking up isn’t meaningless, getting up isn’t meaningless. hell, staying in bed isn’t meaningless. not in the context of your life, and the things happening around you. and if you think about the context of the universe then all of it is meaningless anyway so might as well reduce it down until you find meaning! otherwise what would be the point of art and literature and music and nature? it’s not gonna matter in the end, but it matters NOW. and so do you. bc how else are you gonna experience all that?

“inherent worth to your life” arguments never worked on me, honestly, and neither did “but the ppl whose lives you make better :(“ ones (they might for you!!!) bc literally they don’t exist really, but what did work on me is realising that kms would mean i wouldn’t get to look at stuff anymore. not read nor write nor listen to music nor rain nor poetry nor watch films and sunrises and birds nesting and the way the sky darkens and the moon. the moon! that big ass rock! illuminated by another’s light and yet the most beautiful thing to lift your eye to! im a bit of a romantic so you know. that worked on me. has been working for like, half a decade now. so you reallllllllllllly gotta find the argument that works on you.

cause there’s stuff that’s important to you, right? reduce it down to that, if you have to, for now, even if it’s one thing. love that one thing with everything you have. it’s gonna get easier to breathe. so breathe. breathe when it’s easy, and breathe extra hard when it’s hard. i believe in you!!!!!!!! “meaning” is so fucking vague anyway. who decides that shit!!! who cares!!! the most important part is that inside you there’s a beating heart whose pumping is testament to the love you feel for whatever it is. there’s meaning in that, i can definitely promise that.

this got. extraordinarily long. so im sorry for giving you the choice to read all that cause really, you don’t have to. but i hope it helps, like, just a little, to recategorize and breaaatheeeeeee. xo

waugh this is so nice thank u :’) i think my biggest problem is that im just. so alone and that will never change and can really only get worse when my entire family disowns me for being trans. only time i talk to people im not related to is when im threatening suicide on tumblr lolll and i kind of dont know how to interact with people outside of that anymore.. not sure i ever did actually my experience with the three friends i made in high school was sitting and listening to them talk to each other and never saying anything myself which. doesn’t really translate to online very well. ur right though there are at least two things i care abt my dogs and my art so i guess i just need 2 really focus on those 👍 keep making merch and planning that potential artist alley table

[jmdbjk]

They are different y'all...

Keep scrolling if kinkiness makes you uncomfortable.

While I've been watching JK's live (post coming soon) someone pointed out the rings JK is wearing in his Seven schedule poster... the ring with the ring on it...has connotations in the BDSM world... those who wear it are signaling their submissiveness. In that same line of thought, Jimin was wearing thumb rings on both hands in his Like Crazy MV... thumb rings in a homosexual context...

and this could be an outdated thing, but a man is signaling he is open to certain types of sex... this is definitely outdated but at one time men wearing a single earring in the left ear signals he's straight, in the right ear he is gay. In the Like Crazy MV, Jimin had his single earring in the left ear but he looks into the mirror and it is in his right ear.

The bisexual/bigender coding in the MV was off the charts.

And we already talked about Jimin's Like Crazy MV Mapplethorpe pants and how David Mapplethorpe was deep into the BDSM world.

We've heard Jimin asking JK if he liked it when he was tied at the wrists and running through the woods... ahem... I've already talked about their lil kinky selves before... I can't find the posts but if you've been following me a while, you know what I've been saying...

They have a thing for strappy, tying things...

I've been saying... they are different y'all. Listen to me.

So what are Jimin and Jungkook trying to tell us? Why show us these things? Are these just stylists choices? I think not. There are too many instances for any of it to be coincidence or just a "stylists choice."

The members are too involved in how they express themselves individually during this solo era. Sexual kink is not really a big deal but why even go there? Personally, I love seeing them express ALL sides of themselves. The hints Jimin has given us are more and more explicit as time goes on. I don't buy the argument that "they don't know what that means." Of course they do. They are grown men. They are not virgins. They are living breathing red-blooded males in the prime of their lives.

The way they are presenting these concepts to us is still very conservative when compared to what I see from western artists. What Jimin and Jungkook have shown us, especially Jimin... is very tasteful, elegant, teasing and thought provoking, not raunchy and in-your-face. I want to say to some western artists: I would prefer not to have your twat in my face so please close your legs. But alas...

And now it is Jungkook's time to show us his colors. For some reason I don't mind his crotch in my face... I digress...

Anyway... JK live post coming soon. He's a hoot.

EDIT: Whoa someone got triggered (lmao). Yes, its a very cool ring. And its ok if its just a cool ring for some or most people. Cuz, wow, cool ring. What I said though was the ring "has connotations". I did not say this ring was designed specifically with this in mind. (Reading comprehension is appalling these days.)

But you know... the designer doesn't have to be associated with the lifestyle or even had any intention of associating their design with anything specific. But someone IN the lifestyle would recognize the design motif. This particular ring's attached ring is a "spring" clasp? Like what you use to clasp necklaces? So um... you could attach a chain easily to this ring? I see. Well. Cool ring bro.

And it's also ok if you don't want to see the message Jimin is expressing. I'm sure he's used to people turning a blind eye on what he's trying to say. It's also ok to say your opinion differs from mine and not try to make your opinion the correct one because honestly, no one knows anything and to think you do know, well... that would be next level dumb wouldn't it?

[sophieswundergarten]

I've seen several things talking about S. Q. and "The Oh Hellos", and I happen to very much enjoy The Oh Hellos". So far I've noticed @sqenthusiast bring up Constellations, Dear Wormwood, Bitter Water, and Thus Always To Tyrants. While I whole heartedly agree, I would also like to add my own thoughts in a way that is definitely not me going through nearly all of their songs in an excessive and repetitive manner that is wildly out of context and that nobody asked for:

There will come a poet / Whose weapon is His word / He will slay you with His tongue - "Soldier, Poet, King"

I really feel like this embodies his attitude and artistic mind, and even though he may not always be good at words, he speaks honestly and from his heart

Heartache, I've heard, is part of life, and I have broken more and more

That we can learn to love without demand, with unreserved honesty

I'll give you all I have to spend / And you'll give nothing back to me

I will wait for this to end / The back and forth, the battery / For you, at last, to comprehend the kind of love of which I speak - "This Will End"

This is such a melancholy description of his perception of his relationship with Curtain

Could you love me more / If by the sun and moon I swore / That I would never flee

And I know I shouldn't love you / I know I shouldn't love you but I do

I feel it in my soul / I feel the empty hole / The cup that can't be filled

Even now you mark my steps / Lovely bitter water / All the days of our delights are poison in my veins - "Bitter Water"

More Curtain symbolism! He is so loyal, and he will always remember the times that he chose to love his dad, even when Curtain was making bad decisions. (Also I totally stole this one from @sqenthusiast, so don't forget that)

There beneath the willow tree, I learned a lot about the way of things / I learned that everything has breath inside

I know, I know this / There is beauty in the way of things - "There Beneath"

This I think is part of how he see life: through the lens of beauty and nature, and with a respectful awe and wonder at the world

Gather the soldiers, the heir to enfold / Crown him and give him a sceptre to hold - "Caesar"

This is pretty solely because of the ideas about Jackson, Jillson, and Jeffers trying to make him take over Curtain's work

It was the raging storm of a foreign war / And a face I'd seen before - "Pale White Horse"

When Curtain is beginning the Improvement and then things go to pieces, allowing S. Q. to see what was going on outside the island for the first time

I have always known you / You have always been there in my mind / But now I understand you / And I will not be part of your designs

I know who I am now / And all that you've made of me / I know who you are now / And I name you my enemy

I know who I am now / I know who I want to be / I want to be more than / This devil inside of me - "Dear Wormwood"

Also stolen from @sqenthusiast! I imagine S. Q. starting to make a stand as he learns what Curtain was doing, and (especially in the books) he separates himself from Curtain's villainous actions, but not from Curtain himself

To and fro, I will not follow / Where you go, I will not also - "Thus Always To Tyrants"

Ditto from everything in the last note

We were born in the shadow / Of the crimes of our fathers / Blood was our inheritance / No, we did not ask for this - "The Valley"

Poor S. Q. probably had such a weird reputation as the headmaster's son, since many people would probably resent him or be scared of him, but the kid himself is so nice

He'd put me deep / Deep under so that he could work - "Like The Dawn"

This just caught my attention because of how S. Q. was brainswept in the books

I ran like a speeding train / Cut my hair and changed my name / Only had myself to blame / For the company I was keeping - "Wishing Well"

When S. Q. begins living on his own, and realizes he can make decisions independent of how he was raised

I have made mistakes, I continue to make them / The promises I've made, I continue to break them / And all the doubts I've faced, I continue to face them / But nothing is a waste if you learn from it - "I Have Made Mistakes"

The kid tries so hard to be a good person and a good son, but when he has to recognise that what Curtain is doing is wrong he must feel horribly guilty for being "disloyal", but as he gains a support system he is able to work on growing out of it. He starts to learn from the Benedicts that he is able to let go of the guilt, and that he is able accept grace and understand life as a learning experience

(This one is the whole entire song, but read it and tell me that I shouldn't have included it)

I was young I was young and naive As I was told As I was told, so I believed And I was told there's only one road that leads you home

And the truth was a cave on the mountainside And I'd seek it out until the day I died

I was bound I was bound and determined To be the child To be the child that you wanted But I was blind to every sign you left for me to find

And the truth became a tool that I held in my hand And I wielded it, but I didn't understand

I was tired of giving more than you gave to me And I desired a truth I wouldn't have to seek

But in the silence I heard you calling out to me - "The Truth Is A Cave"

And the way the shadows on the wall are cast / Look like a twisted apparition from the past / And all the memories come flooding fast / A wilderness you kinda miss - "Grow"

~~Nightmares~~

At the edges of my fingers / Never quite closing round it / Oh, that peace like a river / Always going, but never getting

Maybe that's what it's all about / We keep fixing what we know is only bound to break / What's worth saving is never worth letting go to waste / I want to mend what I've got, instead of throwing away

Ain't nothing come easy / No, nothing comes quick / It's gonna hurt like hell to become well / But if we set the bone straight / It'll mend

But I want for you this, that you are well / I want for us this, that we are well - "Theseus"

He gets to grow as a human!! He starts to make choices, and he chooses to make amends with his dad, and he makes the decision to work on strengthening his relationships with the others, even though it's scary for him

But I swear with all your burnt bridges / You could leech what's caustic and find / A rudimentary lye / Some kinda miraculous bind

All the things we've broken / Can be puzzled together again / All your sums and your pieces / Are enough to clean up / All the messes you've made

I've heard / If I were tougher / Then maybe I'd make it alive /I got a tender side /I'll need a harder shell to survive

I don't know I've seen a thing grow / Without an open coat / Not without a softness showing

It's gonna hurt like hell /But we're gonna be well / I'll give you my best shot - "Soap"

This is whole exactly what I think about S. Q. and Curtain's relationship

Like constellations imploding in the night / Everything is turning, everything is turning / The shapes that you drew may change beneath a different light / And everything you thought you knew / Will fall apart, but you'll be all right - "Constellations"

Again, stole it, but this set of lyrics is so important to me and I think that it is a really good way of talking about transitions in life

But the water's rising (quicker than light and sound) / From the seas within me (coming up from the ground) / And I try to fight it (cumulonimbus clouds) / But I drain completely (cover the sun and drown it out) - "Notos"

I imagine this is like an internal commentary of S. Q. when he's being overwhelmed by all of the emotions (either to stand up to his dad or just in general)

Hello, my old heart / It's been so long Since I've given you away / And every day, I add another stone / To the walls I built around you / To keep you safe

Oh, oh, don't leave me here alone / Don't tell me that we've grown For having loved a little while / Oh, oh, I don't wanna be alone / I wanna find a home / And I wanna share it with you - "Hello My Old Heart"

The kid has so much love and trust and no one besides Curtain to share it with, and so I think he would take a while adjusting to being around so many people who want to love him, even though it's what he's wanted

When the bitter creeps in / To bite you whole / A spectre unreflected, oh / It keeps you cold - "Cold"

This and the one after are such poetic descriptions of how we see his arguments with Curtain go, because you see his nerve fail and his words stall because even with all of the feelings behind them, he doubts himself

So I'll keep half of my words in my mouth / Let the syllables fall out / At a steady trickling / I'll be your roof caving in - "Lapis Lazuli"

Yeah, I'm one spoon away / From setting the ends of my hair on fire / If I'm kindling for a little while / At least I'd feel of use

Making lists, folding laundry / Keeping tidy with my radio show / I'd be lying if I told you / I'm keeping tidy anymore - "Boreas"

I think that, although he may not be up to speed in relational stuff, he's very mature in random things like keeping a schedule (because he didn't have anyone enforcing it on the island and he needed to have one so he created it himself) and while he may not know how to cook he probably spent a lot of time looking for something he could do to help, either his dad or the staff, so he could be useful

He has hoisted out of the mire every child / So lift your voice with timbrel and lyre / We will abide, we will abide, we will abide -"Where Is Your Rider"

This is more Curtain/the Waiting Room/Messengers, but I really wanted to include it because I though it was neat that it fit

[independentartistbuzz]

INDIE 5:0 - 5 Q'S WITH ATOM STONE

Atom Stone has burst onto the rock scene with powerful new album "Take Me To The Fire". The album brings together Atom's signature vocal style with the raw energy of melodic rock.

Hailing from upstate New York, Atom’s musical journey began at a young age when he picked up woodwind instruments as a child. Over the years he has developed into a formidable vocalist and guitarist.

Growing up surrounded by music, thanks to his father’s studio and live performances, Atom was immersed in the world of sound and creativity and quickly learned the fundamentals of music production, live sound, and performance from the ground up.

With "Take Me To The Fire", Atom shows the culmination of years of hard work and dedication. The album draws comparisons to legends like Steve Perry, Robert Plant, and Lou Gramm, but also brings a fresh, contemporary edge to the genre.

Produced by Dan Tracey (Alan Parsons Live Project) and Nick Sturms, the 11-track record features a stellar lineup of musicians and delivers both high-octane rock anthems and emotionally charged ballads.

In this Exclusive Indie 5:0 Interview, Atom takes us behind the scenes of his creative process, reflecting on the lessons learned from his early years in the studio, the influence of his father’s musical career, and the collaboration with renowned producers that helped shape "Take Me To The Fire."

Your musical journey started at a young age with woodwind instruments, and you've since evolved into both vocalist and guitarist.

How did those early experiences shape your approach to music, and how have they influenced your sound today?

In many ways to be honest, I play many instruments not just vocals, woodwind and guitar. To answer your question they broadened my horizons and changed the way I approach things and the way that I see, think and feel things.

For example, being a woodwind player directly impacts a vocalist and vocal training from control, to wind and breathing all the way to phrasing. Doing long tones in a horn is a great way to train and learn vocal control and breathing technique.

Guitar has taught me phrasing and weaving of melody. I can’t stand to make a vocal go in direct correspondence or parallel with a musical line. I like to weave the vocal. I have a production theory that I use when doing these things. 

Growing up in a family immersed in the music scene, with your father running a recording studio and performing live, what lessons from those formative years still resonate with you as an artist today?

My father and my uncle had a personal studio. It wasn’t a studio open for business. It was for their own musical endeavors but it definitely taught me many lessons.

Patience being the first lesson, I learned about the time that it takes to do something right. The TLC! I believe that watching my father perform live and attending band rehearsals with him was like being in live music college.

We would write songs together on the way home from every rehearsal which taught me about how to write lyric. I was so young for the studio part of my life but if there was one lesson that it taught me overall and or the biggest lesson, it was what I wanted to do with my life and that I wasn’t going to settle for something just because it paid the bills.

I knew what I was put here for and I’ve stuck with it, through the good times and bad I’ve stayed true to who I am and stead fast with determination!

Your latest album Take Me To The Fire has been praised for its blend of powerful vocals and melodic rock hooks. Can you tell us about the creative process behind the album and what inspired the themes and stories in the tracks?

Unlike my first album The Road To Me by KRYR which was my lyrics, production and arrangements along side of my musical writing partner’s compositions and even there I had some musical input as well on the compositions.

This album was an opportunity for me to collaborate on a different level and context, with a group of exceptionally talented musicians, and songwriters bringing to the table a compilation of beautifully and extremely well crafted songs! Yes I had creative input where vocal expression, phrasing and in interpretation of melodies came in however the real credit is due to the fact that I was blessed to be in the company of two true visionaries, and their expert musical direction these two incredibly gifted producers Dan Tracey and Nick Sturms who had a vision for me and this album and knew exactly how to pull the very best of of me not only as a performer, and vocalist but as a person. 

You've had the opportunity to work with some renowned names in the industry.

How did their contributions influence the sound and production of Take Me To The Fire, and what was the most rewarding part of collaborating with them?

This was an incredibly and entirely euphoric experience! Having the the honor and opportunity to watch these incredible musicians work and do what they do best was beyond humbling!

I grew as a musician immensely from having been given this opportunity to work with and have exposure to such phenomenal talent! 

Your vocal style has been compared to legends like Steve Perry and Robert Plant.

How do you approach maintaining that level of vocal power and emotion, and what techniques or routines help you stay at the top of your game as a vocalist?

Physical fitness is a must, however proper vocal technique is such a crucial component. I’ve had the opportunity to study not only under my father but also an amazing vocal instructor Kathern Ingerson.

The biggest misunderstanding about being a lead vocalist, and having vocal power, and projection is that power and or volume is an illusion. It has more to do with the singers ability to have vocal control, and proper breathing technique. It’s not about how much air you expel, it’s about how well you control that airflow.

For example: I sing at the same volume that one would have a reasonable conversation. This ensures that I have proper vocal control, I have the ability to maintain my voice and vocal range without harming my voice, it also preserves my body and gives me the stamina that I need to deliver. For me it’s about respecting your instrument and as a lead vocalist my body is my instrument. 

Stay connected with Atom Stone on his Website.

Stream music on Spotify, Apple Music and You Tube.

[wtfcraigslistnyc]

THE LOST GOLDEN SKULL

I was asked recently what became of the skull of my friend and mentor, LANCE DE LOS REYES.

For context. Lance was a modern American artist who worked in many mediums. These would include; canvas, assemblage, sculpture, poetry and graffiti that was often painted in very dangerous and high exposure surfaces such as billboards.

He became very well known for writing RAMBO and was even interviewed by VICE magazine about his relationship to his alter ego. In the piece he simply stated that he knew him but that he was most certainly not him. The interviewer really tried to play into the graffiti culture trop of shine and recognition but ultimately what he was writing on the billboards was part of a much larger and more ambitious piece or art that he’d worked his entire life to construct.

The pinnacle of his masterpiece was something I was told he had been talking about for over 20 years. I’m unclear on when and how he came to this idea but it was something he was very vocal about explaining in detail to anyone who could endure what he described.

The idea itself was simple.

Lance would have all of his teeth completely cast in solid GOLD and then have all of his teeth removed and replaced with brand new SOLID GOLD TEETH. He would then create a living will like document in which he would sell his GOLD TOOTH SKULL proprietary to art titan DAMIEN HURST for $1,000,000. This was to be his most ambitious work as it would require actual physical suffering, anxiety, trauma, planning and a very long and painful healing process once the teeth had been successfully implanted into his skull.

Many people who I’ve met have shared that they too knew of the skull project and that it was a THING that really separated the BELIEVERS from the NAYSAYERS. Just the reaction that would generated from explaining his idea has a pretty visceral reaction from most people. I don’t think that the IF IT’S NOT BROKE, DON’T FIX IT mind that many of us adhere to on a really basic level would never, EVER include modifying one’s TEETH to create a piece of art that would rip a hole in time and space by the pure intent of effort expended in doing so.

At the point in the yarn when I explain that he did actually find the financial backer to support his vision and allow him to TRANSFORM into the piece of LIVING ART that he reached at with a full heart from his first breath to his last. Most people do not believe that this is a thing that actually happened and that his face is one the cover of a magazine, stretched into a contorted, clinical grimace to proclaim without any uncertainty that he had indeed executed the most brutal show of devotion to one’s own artistic vision and mission.

The last time I saw Lance alive, I picked him up on Hester street in Chinatown in WOOF, MCODY’s HONDA CIVIC. We had worked very hard over the course of several weeks on a series of drawings and videos that accompanied them as they were produced. All of the work was created and bounced back and forth between us, while I was on holiday with my kids. It’s ironic as the very first piece I made for him was made entirely in the passenger seat of a rental car driving to MONTAUK.

After I returned from holiday we met up and I drove him to pick up a rental car from JFK, so he could go to the HAMPTONS for a two week artist residency. He has completed replacing 60% of his teeth at that point in August of 2019. He had intended to return to paint his first billboard in many years and paint an actual image on the board instead of invocational words. But he fell from the ladder many stories when his hand slipped out of a glove.

He explained how the ritual of getting up on the board works. I will not explain this. But will say that he had a process and something must have been a miss when he approached this particular billboard. There’s so many variables and we all are careening through time and space in utter oblivion of the chaos that swirls around us. Just no the other side of every choice. He fell what he said was over 50 feet. There’s no way of knowing and he lived after shattering his pelvis from the fall.

He had only been out of the hospital a few weeks when I picked him up in CHINATOWN.

I jumped out of the car and helped him down the stairs trying to shoulder as much of his weight as I could. He seemed pretty solid but also was obviously in a ton of extreme pain from his shattered pelvis (which CANNOT be cast) and his mouth full of throbbing gums with shiny GOLD TEETH gleaming out. We made our way to the car and I helped him in. Right away he told me to drive chill because he knew that I was an agro person. So we drove the 90 or so minutes through traffic chatting and planning his pop up with CHAMPION that was launching that fall. He had been waiting on this capsule partnership for a while to give him some much needed footing and passive income.

We intentionally tried to keep it light though as MCODY was in the car with us and we were both like little kids, so happy to see each other and high five on all the hard work we put in on the 100 SKETCH project we busted out a couple weeks before. I think about that day a lot and what he said. We spoke on the phone a few more times but it would just happen in 2021 when I saw it pop up on INSTAGRAM..

I knew he finished and had let him know I was proud of him. He was always cycling in and out of circles of people and would also go into super hiding and just make for marathon periods.

At his wake I heard some kids mumble something about the skull and tried to put it out of my mind. I didn’t want to speak at all because I was really thankful to have worked with him and I didn’t need any of these people to know who I was or what we did together. I introduced myself to BAILEY, the guy he did some video stuff with after me. He was really cool and it felt super healing to have a couple minutes with him.

I spoke with ANNA, his widow at the wake and was able to give ROMAN his son a hug. It meant alot to her that I came. I was glad and did my best to show her eyes how sorry I was so she could keep doing her best. I really respect her so much and have always tried to be a positive force.

I was too broken inside to be present with my brother who was at the wake who introduced us. I knew what would happen and how horrible I would fall apart, so I just shuffled off. It was something that I feel really ashamed of because I could see him just feet away from me in such pain as I spoke with her. I didn’t have it in me be present for him. In a strange way, I know that he and Lance would have completely understood how much it hurt and why it would have made it worse for us both. We left and had some of the best drinks of my life at the NANCY WHISKEY on LISPENARD and AVE OF THE AMERICA’s, up the street from the CANADA gallery where the wake happened. It was a brutally cold and crisp winter day. Perfect weather to cuddle in the pub with GUINNESS and POWERS neat over several hours of reflection and laughter with MCODY. It was the place

I would have had a wake for my DAD if that had been possible.

We drank to Lance and his life. To the art that he gave to us and his character that would always leave a lasting tree with roots growing from the base of our souls. We felt the warm embrace of the weathered wooden shanty that sat atop the kitchen in a precarious treehouse of booze, nestled on top of the train in TRIBECA.

What is the value of art?

What is the value of life?

What is the cost of possession?

Lance did not ask these questions.

He replaced the teeth in his head with GOLD TEETH. It’s unknown if he sold his skull.

It doesn’t matter to me. I miss my friend desperately and live in a shadow that his greatness commands from me. Because he looked me in the eye and told me that I was a great artist. That this life would command huge sacrifice and demand everything that we have to give. But our children must see us live as men who do not follow the lamb to the blade but charge off into the heather to live free. ART is WAR. It is not something that is simple, easy or a straight line. Many humans I know learn to master their own hearts at a young age and follow a very prosperous path into a glorious kingdom of their own making. Others succumb to the forces of context that summon the demons who take them back to the other side. We always try our best to never quit on them ever but know that every day and breath we have with them is precious.

That is not the path for people like myself and Lance. We are born into a context and survive the many trials and choices we are presented with. The approach is zealous and driven by something utterly SUBLIME. The quest to create and actually TRANSFORM ourselves is paramount to the degree and magnitude to which the work is capable. At its core, the work has to confront the DOGMA that we see and present a force opposing it. This doesn’t need to be violent, destructive or scary. But sadly, the process for people like us to move our human frames through the fabric of time and space with all the collateral synchronicities elapsing and collapsing upon each other.

If we are to live in the form that we choose, we live and become the art we define.

KNOW GODS JUST WORK

The price of the GOLD SKULL is a debt that is never ever paid. The people who love him the most will always keep paying for this piece of work, because we cared for him so much and wanted him to live so badly.

It doesn't matter at all where that physical object is. What would it matter if a person possessed it?

What function does it really provide to a person that allows them to accomplish or achieve anything? The art world is built upon a foundation of value that is purely intrinsic.

To the person who could or would possess the GOLD SKULL of RAMBO, would the $1,000,000 or 1,000,000,000 really be any kind of currency in relation to what the GOLD SKULL is?

All the wealth in the world cannot possess the GOLD SKULL because the force that created it appeared for a time in a human form and then returned to the universe transformed into another.

The pain that grows and changes into the art we allow it to become is the GOLD SKULL.

THE BONES OF THE MASTER ARE NOT FOR SALE

1.19.24

*********

ARCHIVAL RELEVANCE

(Roller skater with large works)

https://www.tumblr.com/trascapades/654086318632091648/artisaweapon-newexhibit-lance-de-los-reyes

VICE

https://www.vice.com/en/article/4w7ppb/the-cryptic-billboard-messages-all-over-nyc-explained-1101

[ashanimus]

Ash Liveblogs MTMTE #4-#7

This is just really nice sci fi writing. I'm coming into this very cold and for all me yelling and screeching about What X or Y is the text and visual and dialogue does a really good job of communicating those things without going into he exhaustive detail I hassle out of my friends

FPFFFffFFF

Well Thats a horrifying question. Why are your hands so irreplaceable, Ratchet?? Rod just got new hands! I'm enjoying these little cultural tidbits about bodies. What can and cannot be replaced, what's considered worse than a mortal wound vs the way that exile and punishment is externalized--like Empurata. Huh.

OH OKAY THIS ONE IS ALL ABOUT BODIES I GUESS

AAAAAAAAAAAA

Huh. I'm just. Really impressed with how these artists get these characters to emote, the very very creative and interesting and compositional solutions to communicating emotions and feeling on these challenging character models

AESFHLDSAFSKJGD

ANCIENT JACKASS

TAILGATE IS EXTREMELY RIGHT TO BE MAD AT YOU.

I am living for this cool ridiculous alien mechanical biology.

Yikes. That's...that may not solve the problem of belonging for you, Tailgate. These are banners of a war thats ended...and that he's being enabled here is quite sad!

This is also fucking devastating. I was, for some reason, NOT expecting grotesque body horror in the robot comic! SILLY FUCKING BAT.

I havent enjoyed a traditional comic in a while and I really love how the medium is used to its fullest to move reveals like this along, this is delightful

Okay @fernacular I see the appeal of old man boyfriend now, this is fucking great

OH OKAY. YOU WANNA GIVE ME COOL COMIC, BODY HORROR, BITTER EXES, HEARTBREAK AND BODY PART SWAPPING AND MAKE ME FUCKING CRY OKAY

@polyhexian @fernacular FUCK YOUUUUUUUUU SCREEEECH IM CRYING IM NOT CRYING aDLFJDAJGk]'

#6

Ah yes. Whirl. Whirl is my favorite so far. And also um. Sir??? Are you actively suicidal right now??? SIR???

All of these robots, ALL OF THEM, have the personalities and socialization of brutalized wolfdogs all stuck in the back of a Volkswagon but DEAR GOD Whirl??? Everyone smacks the shit out of each other! And you out here talking like this!

HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE

aEFJADSLJGLJG

WHIRL ISNT WRONG BUT HOLY FUCK

WHIRL. HONEY. YOUR GUTS ARE ALL OVER THE FLOOR. THEY'RE ALL OVER THE

Okay even the hostage taker is confused enough to demand explanation and Rung you are so useless and also bad at improv

Whirl is a theatre kid.

I'm laughing so hard I can't fucking breathe

And now I'm crying again. I'm just. Drowning in snot over here. Okay. Okay. I am genuinely blown away how this, out of context, would be damn near illegible, but with a little context is horrifying, touching and heartbreaking. He's speared through, Rung is over here genuinely a little touched, jesus christ on a pogo stick.

Okay, not that this is ever relevant to anything and there is more transformers stuff to watch than I could finish in a month of vacation, if I was in charge of anything I'd probably pull Whirl audition sides from this scene--or at least some of them--because even just meeting the character through my friends and these early issues, one of the most compelling things about him is that really interesting tension between his sincerity, humor, gurgly dying delivery and cold intensity. It's really interesting. The artists here use a lot of composition and context and light to make whirl emote and it's such a cool artistic challenge they solve over and over again.

Although in that vein if I was doing any casting of voice stuff for a MTMTE anything I think it'd be essential to cast a bunch of weird character actors, shakespearians and people who had video game experience.

#7

Tarn is a funny name for a robot? Thats a lake?

So pretty...so horrible. What a moody, cold, image.

Huh. Brainstorm has an interesting vernacular

This comic is so insane. Like very little about this seems to pretend to be anything like the stuff that spawned it. It's a transforming toy! And now, fast forward, were talking about the Horrors in an depressing, fully grounded way from the voiceboxes of colorful robits languishing in the post-horizon of a war that destroyed their whole worlds.

Im obsessed with these colors. And the image of all these damn robits around a PYRE. It's so weirdly, awkwardly human and this all just looks so vulnerable and lost. All their weird boxy shape against the organic swirls of fire.

Who TF Is Grimlock--

[wonubb]

You as SVT’s translator - Scoups FF

The post-concert depression is urging me to write more. This is for Cheol who literally bias wrecked everyone after seeing him in person. 

Credits to the owner of this GIF.

‘Guys we’ll be live in 15. Get ready.’ The director announced and the make up artists touched up the make up of Seventeen members quickly. You on the other hand sat at the back of the main camera, ready to translate non-Korean questions to the boys. You know several languages apart from English, Korean and Japanese which made you the group’s official translator. 

The show started in a few minutes and they introduced themselves, talked about the latest album then here comes the Q&A portion. They got the usual questions, nothing out of the ordinary and you continued translating for them. 

‘Awesome! Okay this next question is for our leader Scoups. You look so sexy on stage. Are you aware that you make a lot of fans change their bias after seeing you live? What do you feel when fans openly tell you that you are so attractive?’ The host asked and almost all members understood the question with all the familiar words. Joshua and Vernon gave their leader a big smile then gave you a side glance.

You can’t help but feel flushed with the question. Of course you are aware that Cheol is attractive. You are not only the official translator, you are also the leader’s girlfriend. You haven’t made the announcement yet but you have been together for almost a year.

Cheol looked at you with an amused expression. Especially when he saw you blushing. He can’t stop smiling and the host took it as if he’s loving the question. Little did he know that deep inside, Cheol is wondering if you will rephrase the question or change the context a little bit. Which you didn’t. You understood perfectly that fans are curious if SVT knows that some fans are not soft-stans. So you translated it properly and waited for Cheol to respond so you can say his answer.

‘I am thankful for anyone who becomes a fan, even if you just listen and watch our performance. Having some say though that I am their bias is of course flattering. It’s not the first time however that someone said I am attractive. I have someone in my life who says it every now and then,’ he smiled lovingly to you and your face turned redder than it was earlier. Even the members all looked to you with adoring eyes. They all love you because you love Cheol. And what you have is something that they all treasure. They treat you as one of them. 

You composed yourself before translating his answer which expectedly brought a follow up question. ‘Oh, are we revealing someone special?’ The host asked and it didn’t become unnoticed the way all members are looking at you. Luckily, you are behind the camera. You translated the question while low key glaring at him. 

‘Oh, not yet, not right now at least. I’d have to get permission first but yeah, someone says I am sexy and attractive and how I am the best in the world.’ He proudly answered in Korean and you sighed before telling the host what he said. 

‘Well, okay I think the fans can wait until you get the go signal yeah? I guess we all should wait perhaps on your next visit you will be ready to reveal her name, or her face.’ The host side-glanced at you and you gave her a thankful smile. 

The show ended after a few minutes and you are now in the car going back to your hotel. Cheol held your hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. Jeonghan noticed that you are still nervously breathing so he cracked a joke. ‘Cheol do you want to crash in our room tonight? Seems like you will be thrown out of your hotel room,’ he laughed at his friend while you raised an eyebrow at him. ‘Ehhhh, Y/N you know I was just joking. He wouldn’t do something you haven’t decided together and you know that. But you should also remember that we got your back, okay? No one’s gonna hurt you.’ ‘Thanks, Han, I needed to hear that.’ You softly looked at your boyfriend who has been waiting for you to say something to him. ‘Sorry, love. I promise we will make it public once you are ready. I won’t do that again but come to think of it, there might be more questions about you in the future.’ He’s not wrong. You know people will get more curious now.

‘Well the company is good with us right and they’re just waiting for us to be ready?’ You asked and earned a nod from your boyfriend. ‘I think we can post a picture maybe, or what do you think is the best way to do this?’ ‘Oh my God, do you mean that? You know I wanted to introduce you to everyone, love. I will be proud to say that you, the language genius is my girlfriend. Others won’t be able to relate.’ This earned a smack from Jeonghan. ‘Yah! You know if she’s not your girlfriend then someone from the group could have approached her had you not warned us on her first day at work that she’s off limits.’ You smiled when you remembered your first day at work. He announced to the group that you are there for work only and no monkey business, the next days though you were surprised with flowers and sweet notes. Yup, Choi Seungcheol is a simp. And you love him, so much. 

‘I guess we can do this, you got me, right?’ You leaned on Cheol’s shoulders and he kissed your temple. ‘Always baby, always.’ You both chose to ignore Jeonghan who also leaned by the window and whispered ‘simps, you both are simps.’