#just wanted to laugh about dave teasing bro about having a thing for the game bro dudes

[coridallasmultipass]

Working on a fic still and laughing at these absolutely absurd conversations Bro and Dave have. But also lmao, Dennis from Game Bro with his broken thumb.

They're so fucking dramatic, and oh my god I just realized this probably makes zero sense at all, out of context. Idk how to convey how hilarious this moment is to me, without the miles of words written beforehand. I just need to laugh about it publically lol.

[banigarubug]

Boys (Corpse x MALE!Reader)

VERY excited for this prompt! here is where i acknowledge corpse irl is straight: (pause to acknowledge). and here is where i write a piece of fiction that corpse has expressed he’s ok with!

-

Please do a Corpse x male!reader - if you write for males but if not then GN will be okay ^^ - where reader is very edgy, wears techwear 24/7 and is taller than Corpse.

I’m not seeing enough male reader/GN fics where the reader is just as edgy if not edgier than Corpse—

you met corpse at a gas station, but he’s still cute. no corona ;)

warnings: minimal food talk, maybe swearing but i can’t remember lmao

-

The day you met Corpse had you both stopped in your tracks.

Well, admittedly, Corpse was more so. You pride yourself on being able to keep it together, but Corpse has always been a dweeb who just tries his best - and often fails - to play it cool. This was obvious from the moment you’d met him, literally bumping into him at a gas station as you were both on your phones walking towards each other.

Your phone survived the accident, but Corpse’s clattered to the floor. You tore your eyes away from your screen as soon as your bodies made contact and immediately picked up his phone from the floor. “I’m so sorry,” you said, inspecting his phone. It’s fine, save for one long crack across the top left, thankfully missing the front camera entirely. You handed it to him, and finally noticed him staring up at you with wide eyes. “I’m sorry,” you repeated, confused.

He cleared his throat. “All good,” he replied, voice muffled just slightly by the fabric mask over his mouth. It’s deeper than you’d expected, and you startled a little at it, but he didn’t seem to notice. “Uh, it’s my fault too.”

“Well, you know,” you replied, shrugging. “There’s no place like twitter dot com.” You quirked a smile as you flashed your phone, displaying the Twitter timeline open on the screen. 

He laughed, opening his phone to show that he’d been on Twitter too. “Uh, I’m Corpse,” he said.

You smiled at him, maybe more bashful than intended. “Y/N,” you replied, sticking out your hand to shake. “Nice to meet you.”

“You too,” he said, and as your hands met, a blush threatened the outer corner of your cheeks. His hands were… really nice. “Even if you broke my phone,” he teased.

You laughed, already feeling the tension between you two melt. “You’re just as much to blame here, Corpsie.”

As it turned out, your cars were parked next to one another’s at the pumping station, so you walked there together. You talked the whole way through picking up an armful of candy as he got a collection of energy drinks apparently for him and his friend Dave, and you kept talking while you finished putting gas in your car. And then you kept talking afterwards too, until Dave reached over and shouted out the open car window, “Dude, just ask for his number already!”

You grinned and Corpse blushed. “I’m sorry,” he said, turning to you, but you shook your head, still smiling at him happily. It was cute. “Look, if it’s too forward, I’m really sorry, but - I don’t usually get along with people this easily. Maybe we could… do this again?”

“Sure,” you agreed easily. You told yourself it’s only because you didn’t mind it, not that it was too hard to say no to that hopeful look in his eyes and that you didn’t want to forget how cute he sounded when he laughed. “Give me your phone.”

“You might crack it again,” Corpse replied, but he handed you the phone anyway. You rolled your eyes as you typed in your number, adding a heart next to your contact name.

-

A week later, after texting and calling and FaceTiming nonstop, finally he asked you out. He took you to get boba, and you had dinner at his place, and when he dropped you off at yours, he stood on the front porch, only a few inches between you.

“I had fun tonight,” you said. There was something exhilarating about it, how he craned his neck to look at you, eyes scanning over your face nonstop like he was trying to read something off of your skin. To break the tension, you softly added, “Even if you did keep making fun of my pants.”

Corpse laughed, a breathless thing. He reached out to pull at one of the straps hanging down, letting it fling back gently against your leg with a dull smacking noise. “I just don’t get why there’s so many straps. And pockets.”

You leaned in. You told yourself - and later, him - it was because you wanted him to shut up about your stupid pants, but you and Corpse both knew the truth.

-

When Corpse asked if you would be his boyfriend, you got the upgrade: access to the streamer room. You’d known, in your dating period, that he was an ‘internet personality’, as he very vaguely described it, but the lack of details he was willing to share discouraged you from sleuthing around on the internet. Of course, when he finally let you in a little more, thanks to his million followers, you blended in. Nobody knew that you, the random account simping in his replies, was the same guy whose hand made its way into Corpse’s Instagram stories more than once.

Your favorite thing maybe ever was seeing when Corpse posted pictures of him holding your hand. Most of the time, you didn’t even notice him taking the photos, but it was sweet, how your nails matched and he had sweater paws while you had tattoos. Even as a faceless YouTuber, it meant something to you that he was still proud of your relationship. His fans got a kick out of it too, nicknaming you Corpse Boyfriend.

But now, the real boyfriend test. He invited you to stream with him while he played Phasmophobia. You would talk to chat and ghosts as needed, and Corpse would do most of the heavy lifting. Of course you were nervous, but you never let on about it.

Well, Corpse knew you pretty well. When he asked if you were sure you were ready, and you said duh, bro, of course, he said, “Don’t bro me.” (He still kissed you though.)

“Corpse Husband, did you bring Corpse Boyfriend?” Corpse read aloud from the chat while they were waiting to get started with the game. “You guys have been hearing rumors? Well, lucky you, I did! I want you guys to meet N/N.”

“Hey,” you said, smiling at Corpse. “I wanna start my presence on this channel by telling all two hundred thousand of you that I’m taller than Corpse.”

“That’s the most important thing?” Corpse laughs at you. “You’re like, maybe two inches taller.”

“Don’t lie to your fans, Husband. You’re at least three inches shorter.”

“Two,” he insists playfully. “And that’s the hill I’ll die on. Boyfriend.”

-

A few days later, when Dave comes over to hang out, you make him measure the two of you and force Corpse to post the lines on the wall as evidence. Three inches, he captions. Boyfriend wins :(

[lifewithdavefarts]

DaveFarts - Episode 13 “When She Finally Leaves” [Episode List] Dana spends the whole day at Dave’s place. When the girl leaves, Tim, who’s now Dave’s roommate, finds out how much gas a man can hold in just to not look gross in front of a girl.

When She Finally Leaves

In the last few weeks I’ve been spending more and more nights at Dave’s place, whether because I needed a place to work, write my essays, or simply to spend some quality time watching bad films and drinking beer. It was Dave himself to ask me to “marry him” (as he jokingly put it), basically becoming official roommates, which also meant dividing our tasks and obviously splitting the rent.

And honestly we were having a great time. We both had jobs, fortunately, which were not much but they did pay taxes for now and it was overall a great experience. Friend or not, Dave is an excellent roommate, being pretty good at cooking and organising chores; the same could be said for me actually, though in some cases we have our own preferences; for example Dave prefers cooking (the fact that I’m bad at it it’s purely coincidental) so we agreed I’ll be the one doing the dishes.

We also had our buds crashing over what is now *our* place a couple of times, which resulted in more bad films and beer, or even nerd stuff such as gaming together. Of course however, the person who most often came over is obviously Dana, Dave’s girlfriend. She’s pretty cool though we don’t really hang out with her when Dave’s not around, though as I said she’s pretty easy-going.

Tonight we’ve been watching a trash movie. Yes, the three of us. Don’t worry, I was a welcome addition today. Dave would usually just tell me to leave for a few hours if sex was on the table (sometimes literally on the table, the one where we eat our food…) as we respect each others enough to just be straightforward whenever we needed some privacy. Tonight however it was just chilling like three friends hanging out together (knowing however that Dave would just give me a signal should things get more heated up you know).

We were in the living room. I was on an armchair, working on my laptop, despite the poor wi-fi. On the long wide couch beside me, Dave and Dana chilling and watching the movie with more attention than me, my bud’s left arm around his girlfriend, sometimes making remarks on how bad it was. We all had a can of beer, because of course we did.

The couple brought some takeouts for dinner, some fast-food a few blocks from here (Dana’s idea, actually, which we were both thankful for). Dave, chilling next to Dana, was wearing his signature casual outfit: a grey shirt and pair of dark blue loose jeans, details that my gay-ass eyes immediately noticed and more than once stared at.

“Oh wow the helicopter just blew up I’m speechless.” Dave said, sarcastically.

“A Subversive Masterpiece: that’s what they were going for when they wrote this.” Dana added, and they both chuckled.

I also did my fair share of sarcastic remarks though work got most of my attention, even though it was nothing urgent, just me trying to get some stuff done as fast as possible.

“Did the shark just wink at him?” my bro commented.

“They’re best friends now.” his girlfriend explained. What a great film.

After 15 more minutes the movie ended with the three of us clapping at a shot of a man and a shark exchanging a look of gratitude to each other, as the Sun set into the never-ending ocean. Drugs played a big role into the making of this move I’m 100% sure.

“Well, that was enlightening, but I gotta head back home. The Uber’s almost here.” Dana said, as she got up and reached for her purse and some other stuff.

“You’re really sure about that? Come on, stay here for the night.” Dave suggested. “I taught Tim to play dead. We can throw food at him.” he then joked.

“I can also bring you the newspaper upstairs, tomorrow morning.” I played along.

Dana chuckled in response. “I’m sure you’ll win the next contest you two, but I gotta wake up super early tomorrow.”

The couple walked towards the front door. The entrance was next to the living room, a few steps behind the couch. Dave and I sometimes darkly joked that any assassin could easily ambush us because whenever we’re on the couch anyone could sneak into the house behind us, with enough care (we then prefer to drink about it).

“Call me when you get home.” Dave said and the two shared a quick kiss.

In the meantime I moved on the bigger (and more comfortable) couch, more or less in Dana’s spot, as I also have better wi-fi reception there. I left my laptop on the small table in front of me because apparently all of my laptops have to be shitty and take some time to even the most basic stuff. As I inspected the wi-fi icon flashing on the screen, I heard Dave shutting the door and walking back to the couch. After a few steps his tall figure was already towering over me.

“Yeah the reception is pretty bad lately.” he commented, and then collapsed next to me.

Only a few seconds and he already had that well-known smirk drawn on his face; he then quickly adjusted his position. He completely laid down, extended his demin-clad legs, with his left one resting on the back of the couch, ending right behind my neck. In a moment, Dave ended up showing off his loose, almost-sagging jeans-clad ass directly next to me, as his legs trapped me into a gentle yet strong grip. Seeing both that “wall” made of jeans and my bro’s smirk at the same time was a sight I never truly got used to. He was just lying there, next to me, with his ass pointed at me, as if it was one big prank, even though he knew exactly how much I enjoyed that.

“Bro you’re ready?” he asked, still sporting that smirk.

When even Dave goes as far as asking me if I’m ready, then I knew that the fart was going to be gargantuan. And I realized why: Dana has been with us and my bro the entire day, so it’s possible that Dave just held all of his gas in for hours. We all experienced this, then when the girl leaves, men get to “relax”. Other than that, Dave had tons of beer and junk food. I stared at that denim butt, for the first time almost scared of what my bud was capable of; I knew a fart was coming, and I knew it was going to be big.

But what Dave said next really once again confirmed how chill he is around me.

“Believe me: you might want to get closer for this one.” he said, laughing a bit.

He sported weirdly reassuring smile, Dave’s millionth attempt at saying “It’s ok, Tim.” as he probably noticed now nervous I became when he assumed that pose.

The teasing bastard then went full bully on me and simply reached for my head with his long right arm and gently pulled me down, as if I was bowing to that still silent denim-clad ass. I just heard him laugh like an idiot, as it usually happens. Despite my head being down and in front of that ass, I could still see Dave’s face and that smirk. He raised his eyebrows and half-closed his eyes as he started pushing, but he didn’t need to put all that effort into ripping that blast.

It’s like the fart was barely contained in the first place: it immediately exploded with a loud sound right into my face. Dave closed his eyes and kept his smirk as the blast probably surprised him as well. It was low-pitched and dry, a completely natural gas-eruption that sounded like an engine. The stench was unbearable, a mixture of beer and junk food, surprise to no one.

While farting, Dave adjusted his position as bit, spreading his legs bit more, with my face getting almost planted into that denim-clad butt as he effortlessly kept ripping that immense flatulence. Hours and hours of gas being erupted as if I was in front of a dormant volcano that just woke up. And I feared that “hours” was what he was going for ‘cause after 20 seconds the fart didn’t even lose power.

Dave still had this smirk drawn on his face and occasionally stared down at me as he completely destroyed my face and nose with his incredible farting skills, skills that constantly let me speechless, fetish or not. He was the fart master, a showoff with a manly talent that I could only bow to and endure in the hop-

“Sorry, I forgot my house keys.”

The fart immediately stopped and it all went silent: It was Dana.

Dave turned his head to his girlfriend, greeting her with the stupidest smile you can think of.

“Oh stay there no worries, they’re right here.” I heard Dana say as she reached for keys, probably hanging right next to the door, my face still almost planted in my friend’s denim ass. That felt surreal.

I completely froze (not that I could move) but I knew that she couldn’t see me (just like I couldn’t see her) as I was lying down. All she could see from where she was standing was Dave’s head and his right leg resting on the back of the couch, since the entrance was behind our couch.

I was terrified, while Dave was doing his best not laugh like an idiot.

“What’s so funny?” Dana asked, laughing a bit herself, definitely noticing her boyfriend being weird.

My teasing bro quickly glanced down at me, almost losing it (and still holding holding the fart in, which didn’t stop the smell from burning my nostrils).

“N-nothing’” he stuttered. That’s it, he was gonna laugh like an idiot.

“Okay” I heard Dana, not really convinced of the boyfriend’s answer though.

There was a moment of awkward silence and then we heard a car honk, thank goodness.

“Oh… it’s my Uber. Bye!” the girl said, quickly leaving the house and shutting the door behind her.

Another moment of silence followed, Dave still staring at the entrance. I was shaking, I was legitimately scared that someone was gonna find out, which was weird given the hotness I was experiencing in that moment, even without the fart being ripped.

“Ok… where were we?” Dave asked, turning back to me, with a smirk. “Oh yeah!”

And he effortlessly resumed farting, just as loud, proud and powerful as it was before the interruption, directly into my face. The terror I experienced moments before was blown away by that incredibly blast and me being rock-hard, as it usually happens when Dave showoffs his gassy talent around me, or on me.

Dozens of seconds passed and at this point Dave just played along. He nodded at me, faking a serious expression, as if he was listening to something actually interesting instead of his own loud fart still going on strong; after about ten more seconds he checked the time on his wrist-watch and acted surprised, then stared down at me as if he wanted to say “damn that is long!”. We both however actually lost the track of time and he simply relaxed as if I wasn’t even in front of his ass, all while the fart was still being blasted in my face.

Dave then reached for my head again and gently pushed it inches closer to his roaring ass, and I felt the vibrations of his rip all over my face: it was literally an earthquake.

How long was it lasting? More than 1 minute perhaps? How much gas can a man hold in? Dave certainly was pushing for a record. All I knew is that I felt privileged witnessing that, even though I was beyond being a mere witness since no particle of gas missed my eyes and nostrils.

However (finally, actually), the fart seemingly started to lose power, the once-continuous sound starting to “stutter” and turning more into a fast series of loud farts, fired back-to-back. The show (because that’s what it was: a show) ended with a loud, 5 seconds blast, and Dave’s laughter.

I slowly got up, sweaty, my nose burning, with a startled look to which my bro reacted with another immature cackle. I was now sitting next to him as I was before, and looked back at my bud, who in the meantime re-adjusted his pose. He was still lying down, still kind of showing off his loose-sagging ass, but in a less “menacing” way: now he was just chilling.

“When’s Dana coming over again?” I joked. I mustered all the courage I had left to say that. I was impressed by the fact that I could still speak considering that all of my blood probably flooded my boner at that point.

Dave laughed at that lame joke, thank goodness. “As if I need Dana to blast you like this.”

He raised one leg, again showing off his sagging denim ass in my direction. He quickly sucked some air in and after a few moments and weird noises a loud 6 seconds fart erupted. For his standards, that’s basically a weak one.

My friend just casually joking and bragging about facefarting me and then farting on command to prove it made me lose it, as I felt my boner… dampening. He didn’t notice it but he knew that I had a hard-on, that’s for sure.

I didn’t want to just rush into the bathroom so I just stared at my laptop, still on the table, in front of me: the wi-fi signal was stronger than ever. I jokingly like to think that Dave’s blast was so powerful it actually influenced the signal somehow and improved it.

I turned to my bud, still lying on his side of the couch, just checking his phone and being… casually hot.

“Thanks man.” I said, not for the wi-fi though.

He lowered his phone, revealing a blank reaction “Really?” he said, rolling his eyes, with a bored expression. “Stop being cringe and do the dishes.”

Fuck, I totally forgot about those. We had takeout food but we still used some of our dishes. I immediately got up and rushed to the kitchen, hoping that Dave was distracted by his phone enough to not notice by boner through my sweatpants.

Once in the kitchen, a place that wasn’t tainted by Dave’s gas, my nostrils could still feel my bro’s fart-stench. That’s how soaked up in his gas I was. Even my ears needed some time to adjust to the silence, now that I didn’t have a deafening fart being ripped right into my skull. 

And I just knew that this wasn’t the last time this was gonna happen. I’m Dave’s roommate, and being roomies means we have to divide our tasks: he’s the farter, I’m the sniffer.

End of Episode 13

[gyroshrike]

Tell me why you love Gamtav; give me a whole rambling essay if you can. I like seeing people excited over the things and ships they like!

Oh, are you sure you want this? Do you really want to open Pandora's Box? Are you ready for the amount of rambling I can do about GamTav? How much time do you have? Because this is going to be a doozy. I haven't even started writing it and I can tell.

And before I get into it, people gotta know that most of this is based off of pre-murderstuck Gamzee

What do I like about GamTav? What do I like about GamTav??? One of the things that plays into me loving this ship so much is how much I love Gamzee and Tavros as individuals. Whenever I start reading a new piece of media, without question my favorite characters are almost always the really, really nice ones. Boku no Hero Academia? Kirishima. Anohana? Poppo. Legend of Korra? Bolin. And in the beginning of Homestuck, Gamzee and Tavros are just really, really NICE.

Oh, well, Gamzee is really, really nice. When we first see Tavros, he’s being a little shit to the kids, but that's because he was intentionally trying to troll. But once we get into Act 5 and we see Tavros interact with his friends, we realize he's generally a really kind person. His conversations with Nepeta, Gamzee and Aradia are all really sweet. His pesterlog with Vriska, which is the first one we get to see after he is revealed to us as a character, immediately paints a picture of him as someone struggling with his self-esteem and someone who is trying really hard to build himself up as a person. Way to fuckin’ endear me to a character IMMEDIATELY.

For most of the early comic until Act 5, we see all the trolls trolling the kids and even talking shit back and forth to each other. Gamzee was one of the first trolls who we see be purely sweet and supportive to his friends. His first pesterlog after we’re introduced to him is with Karkat and Karkat does nothing but talk shit. xD He does his usual song and dance of saying just the absolute worst things possible in that Karkat way of his and Gamzee just laughs and nods and basically says, “Yeah brother, you go, I love you, you're my best friend.”

We see Gamzee talk with Equius and we already know at this point that Equius is weird, but Gamzee is so jazzed to be talkin’ with his friend. He's just so supportive of Equius and even when Equius tells Gamzee that he must stop doing soper, Gamzee just says, “Okay, sure, you got it, I trust what you're telling me because you're my friend.” Now Equius is not actually ready for Gamzee to listen to him and backtracks and is like, “Wait, no, you don't have to listen to me, let's roleplay instead,” and Gamzee's like, “I don't know how to roleplay, but I'll try for you bro.” He’s just really fucking cute???

Short version: When we meet them, Tavros is someone you want to root for and Gamzee is just the nicest guy on the planet.

Gamzee loves his friends so much and from early on it's made apparent that he wants to love and support them, and would honestly do a lot for them even if he doesn't know what he's doing.

Also along with just being a generally sweet guy Tavros is the nerd archetype I love? He loves the troll equivalent of Pokemon and card games and other things like that. Also he just really loves animals? And I always love the characters who love animals. It's a really big weakness I have. Not to mention, talking with them? That's so COOL? So badass??? Like, UM???? He could control them, but he doesn't like forcing them to do bad things against their will. (Going off of how when suggested he control the imps to defeat them, but feels like that would be unfair/mean.)

SPEAKING OF THE IMPS. Of the twelve trolls, Tavros and Gamzee are the two of them who BEFRIENDED their imps. Isn't that so fucking rad????? They both started off fighting them at first, but then they both later mention that they are able to chill with their imps instead. Gamzee shares pie with them and Tavros communicates with them using his powers. I freaking LOVE that parallel. When I first noticed it I almost keeled over. See, I'm also a sucker for characters who like to attempt peace before conflict, so of course I'm going to love that both of them made friends instead of enemies.

So Act 5 Homestuck has already set me up to basically completely love these two characters. Now, I am a really big shipper. In almost every piece of media I go into I generally come out with ships and that's a big way that I engage with fandom. Now Homestuck, I actually didn't ship that much at first when I first started reading, which is pretty strange for me. I think I just kind of let the ships fall into my lap up until that point. I know my brain had really enjoyed the ideas of Karkat and Terezi, Dave and Terezi, and had even teased inklings of "What if?" and "Oh, I like them," about Rose and Kanaya. But for the most part I wasn't really into Homestuck for shipping at first.

The concept of GamTav, or PBJ as it was more commonly referred to then, was introduced to me by my friends. I had two irl friends who were reading the comic with me and they were ahead of me by some decent amount of pages at the time. At one point they started making references to PBJ and really liking PBJ and I was a little confused because I didn't quite know what they were referring to at first. I learned pretty soon that PBJ was Gamzee and Tavros and I remember being really excited for the ship because it was the first time I'd seen my friends get that excited for a ship. Which is really funny because now in the twilight years of the Homestuck fandom, of the three of us, I'm the only one gripping white-knuckled onto GamTav and breathing it like my life depends on it, while the other two have moved on to much different things. If I'm being honest, I'm pretty sure one of them doesn't even really like Gamzee that much anymore, but respects how much I love him and lets me rant and rave to her about him whenever I want.

It wasn't long after that that I finally got to the infamous "Make out a little" conversation between Gamzee and Tavros. I read the pesterlog and suddenly everything I had seen and heard from my friends made sense. I mean, not that I'm saying that's the ONLY reason GamTav makes sense. I just mean I understood what my friends specifically were talking about. Of the pesterlogs we've seen between them before that, Gamzee and Tavros obviously had a decent friendship. I'm pretty sure in the comic Gamzee was the first person to have a pesterlog with Tavros who is genuinely nice to him. (And this is conversation happens directly after Tavros’ conversation with Vriska, so it’s a wild contrast.) So as a friendship, I was already super down with Gamzee and Tavros-- you know what? Now that I think about it, I feel like I remember in [S] Make Her Pay being disappointed that Gamzee and Tavros were fighting alone and not with each other. Because a lot of the other trolls had paired up to be cool duos, you know? We had Karkat and Terezi, Feferi and Sollux, Nepeta and Equius, and I think I remember being bummed that Gamzee and Tavros weren't paired up. So I, at the very least, think I wanted things for these two even if I hadn't stepped into the realm of actually shipping them yet. I don't remember, this was YEARS ago.

Anyway, the infamous makeout conversation happens, and I'm sold hard for life. I have a lot of other Homestuck ships that I'm into and I enjoy, but none have ever, ever, ever, ever come close to GamTav.

I realize that I've written so much and I still haven't gotten to the meat of why I like them.

So I like ships where the parties involved are best friends. I love it when the characters in a ship are bros who love hanging out, who love doing silly things together. That awesome video "What your favorite Homestuck ship says about you" had me dead to rights. Called me out so hard. My ideal ship dynamic is "being stupid together"? Way to come for the throat. That's exactly it. At their core, Gamzee and Tavros are one of the funnest bro combinations I have ever seen. And what makes them so fun is both of them are huge dorks. HUGE dorks.

When we first meet Gamzee, he stares off into the colors of his miracle modus while making the most ridiculous face, tries to unicycle but just fuckin' pieruettes right off if it because his legs are too short, and just straight up reaches into his modus with his bare hands. Don't even get me started on how he scares himself with his own horns. That shit kills me.

We've already talked about how Tavros is a huge nerd, so that's covered. But like… have you heard him rap? This guy just gets so into it and has so much fun while simultaneously sounding so silly. He's flirty and awkward and ridiculous and has this shit eating grin on all the time.

They are those two friends who get up to shenanigans where everyone else around them just kind of shakes their head and thinks that they're so dumb (in an affectionate way), but they don't care because all they DO care about is how much fun they're having together.

One of my favorite things about Homestuck in general is it lets its characters be bad at things. John and Karkat suck at coding. Gamzee, Tavros, and Dave are bad at rapping. Rose becomes a prolific author, but I would argue she's bad at writing when she's 13 because, wow is it a slog to get through her wizard fanfiction LMAO.

And GamTav is a perfect example of two people who just have fun together being bad at things together. There's no pretense of needing to be cool or needing to be good at something or any type of shame or embarrassment. They're just so silly and they don't mind being silly around each other and they never make the other person ashamed of who they are. We even see some of that last bit in the comic. Gamzee never puts Tavros down. In one conversation, he acknowledges Tavros' disability, but doesn't taunt Tavros for it, doesn't make it a joke, or make him feel bad. It's just acknowledged and then they move on. Then Tavros mentions that while he doesn't share Gamzee's religious or spiritual views, he is supportive of them. I am such a sucker for shit like that.

In every way, shape, and form, Gamzee and Tavros are supportive of each other and just and totally uplift the other person. Both of these characters go through so much verbally (both jokingly and maliciously) at the hands of their peers for being who they are that Gamzee and Tavros' conversations were so refreshing to just see them be unabashedly themselves with another person.

And they make each other happy! Tavros' first conversation with Gamzee was the first time we see where Tavros is purely elated to be talking to the person he is talking to. And Tavros obviously makes Gamzee really happy. They just make each other so happy! And I love that shit!

Gamzee is, without restraint, supportive of everything that is Tavros. Gamzee is the type of person who would look at anything Tavros wants to do or is trying to do and put his whole heart in supporting Tavros and telling him, "Yeah bro, you can do this, you're amazing, I love you, go get 'em, you're the best, you can do anything you put your mind to,” and I love that for Tavros.

Gamzee was the friend I spent all of Homestuck wishing Tavros had. Tavros spent so much time talking to Vriska, interacting with Vriska, adventuring with Vriska. And that entire time I was just wishing that Gamzee was there instead, just so Tavros would have someone to be nice to him.

After murderstuck, I spent years waiting for Gamzee and Tavros to meet in a dream bubble. That was all I wanted. I wanted Gamzee to have to look Tavros in the eye and face what he had done, own up to everything to the person he loved most in the world. But of course, post murderstuck, Gamzee gets everything stripped away from him that made him the character he was in the beginning. It wasn't even a satisfying villain arc! It was just confusing! I feel like I could have dealt with it if Gamzee was a well-rounded villain. But instead his entire villain shtick was just surrounded by a bunch of question marks! I spent all of Homestuck waiting to learn what exactly was going on with Gamzee and then we never got that and that fucked me up.

And of course, oh, of course, up until the very end of the series, in the very, very, very last animation we ever see, Homestuck Act 7, Tavros is standing by Vriska's side, as he has had to do since the very beginning.

I haven't read the epilogues or Homestuck 2, so I'm not going to touch on anything that happens in those series and I would appreciate it if no one responded to this with spoilers. Don't even tell me things like, "Oh, you'll like Gamzee," or "Oh, you'll hate Gamzee," or anything like that. I don't want any hints. I already got enough. I want to form my own opinion when I finally get the energy to go in.

Nowadays, I stick almost exclusively to humanstuck AU's for my GamTav. Because even if canon GamTav wasn't so sad and depressing, there are other things that make me way too sad to think about. As a bronze blood, Tavros's lifespan is going to be significantly shorter than Gamzee's. No matter the good or bad context surrounding their relationship. Even if they were the perfect, fluffy, happy couple in canon, I can't deal with that lifespan difference. It breaks my goddamn heart.

I live in a world where I can rewrite the circumstances surrounding these characters and make it play out in a way that is much more to my liking. Writing them in humanstuck AU's lets me take away all of the things that make my heart hurt and instead repurpose them for really meaningful, emotional character building arcs and that's my main focus when it comes to GamTav.

Something I'm also really picky with when it comes to this ship is that I need the core of Gamzee and Tavros' character growth to happen apart from each other. I have found that I don't like stories that center Gamzee and Tavros or their relationship as the pivotal point of their development. I don't like when Gamzee is the pillar of Tavros' confidence. I do like when Gamzee helps out building Tavros' confidence by being supportive and saying nice things and encouraging him, but I don't like it when he is the main source. I don't want Tavros' growth to be hinged on Gamzee being in his life.

The same goes for Gamzee. I don't like stories where Tavros is the one thing keeping Gamzee from doing bad things. I don't like when their relationship is framed as being the one thing keeping Gamzee from going murder mode all over his friends again. I've read fics where Gamzee struggles either with murderous instincts as a troll or mental health as a human and Tavros is one of the only things that keeps him from going off the deep end. I don't like that. I want Gamzee's growth to be primarily on his own or at the very least not supported by his romantic partner. Of course, I love it when Tavros is there when he needs him to hold him or soothe him or say kind things or help him through his struggles. I'm not saying I don't want Tavros to comfort him at all or ever, I just don't want Tavros to be his sole anchor.

I just love idiot best friends in love.

Oh, OH! ALSO. Gamzee doesn’t give a FUCK about the hemospectrum. One of the first things he says to Equius is how he doesn’t get it, how he’s not better than anyone else, how he doesn’t even know how to ACT better than anyone else. How am I not supposed to love that?

Opposite sides of the hemospecturm relationships are so fun. I love the idea of Gamzee entering a room full of strangers and them being like “Oh no! :O !!!! Scary subjuggulator!!” and Tavros comes rushing over all happy and excited and they just snuggle all cute and gross and everyone watching’s jaw just drops.

This might sound weird, but I also think one of the things that endear me to characters is them getting misinterpreted and then me having fun drawing them more ‘accurately’? Tavros is so often depicted as uwu soft weepy boi and I love drawing him with a mischievous grin just as ready to do something stupid and get himself into trouble as Gamzee is. Equius TOLD Tavros not to go near the stairs with his new robo legs. What is one of the things Tavros does immediately? Go try the fuckin’ stairs. And he KEEPS DOING IT.

*lays down on the floor* I just… I just want domestic GamTav where they move into a nice wheelchair accessible home (modified in a similar way to Tavros' hive in Pesterquest) and Gamzee massages Tav's back when it aches and tells him he's the light of his life and in turn Tavros holds Gamzee close on his darker days and Tavros kisses his hands and brushes his hair out of his eyes and boops his nose and they laugh so hard together that they cry.

[yeah-klave]

The Sexual Awakening of David Joseph Katz - Chapter 8

Link to Chapter 1 || Link to Chapter 2 || Link to Chapter 3 || Link to Chapter 4 || Link to Chapter 5  ||  Link to Chapter 6 ||  Link to Chapter 7

Series summary:  A multi-chapter journey of self-discovery and sexual awakening.

Chapter summary: Dave tries something new.

Genre: Developing relationship, smut. (18+ only, please)

A/N: This is set in a nothing-too-bad-happens modern AU. The characters are all in their early twenties (I’m picturing adult!actor versions of them and Dave as a (younger) Cody Ray Thompson). The siblings are all still living at home, relatively happily, and Dave, Lila, Sissy and Carl are friends who hang out with them at the Academy.

Word length: 5.2k

Disclaimer: I don’t own any of The Umbrella Academy characters or settings.

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It was the weekend. Klaus and Dave had spent the day hanging out with Diego, Ben and Luther.

They’d driven out of the city to a hiking trail and explored for a bit, then set themselves up on a rickety jetty to do some fishing in a nearby lake.

Ben had rolled his eyes at Diego and Luther’s competitive sniping, but all three had ended up blaming Klaus for scaring away all the fish after he got board of sitting quietly and decided to dip his toes in the water and attempt to splash the serious look of concentration off Dave’s face. He succeeded.

Nobody ended up catching any fish.

In the afternoon, they returned to the Academy to chill and – at Dave’s insistence – have a Star Wars movie marathon.

At one point, Five wandered through the living room. He paused to roll his eyes fondly at the slouching heap of limbs they had become, before heading off in the direction of the bar. They heard clinking, them a few moments later he wandered back out, distractedly muttering something about quantum mechanics and clutching a Margarita topped with a little blue cocktail umbrella.

At some point during the second movie, Ben extracted himself and wandered off to a quiet nook to do a little reading and, shortly afterwards, Luther left to go pick up Allison from the mall, where she’d been shopping with some girlfriends.

Bored again from too much sitting, Klaus had come up with a game that involved passing random objects between them without letting them touch the floor, using only their feet.

With the movie still playing in the background, they’d been passing Dave’s balled-up hoodie between them for a solid twenty minutes when Diego’s phone pinged and he missed the pass from Klaus, letting the hoodie fall to the floor.

“Dude!” Klaus exclaimed, hands raised.

Diego shrugged and checked his phone.

“It’s Lila inviting me over,” he said. “Her roommate’s out of town.”

“Booty call,” Klaus grinned, winking at Diego and conspiratorially nudging Dave with his elbow. “Sounds like you’re in there, bro.”

Diego grimaced back. “More like, she’s bored of being on her own without anyone to tease, so she’s calling sparring partners to her.”

“If that really was the case,” Dave said, “and all she wanted was an argument, she’d just text Carl.”

“Ha! True!” Klaus barked a laugh. “He’d definitely take the bait. He’s been in such a pissy mood recently.” Klaus made a lewd gesture, “I don’t think he’s getting any from Sissy.”

“I don’t think you can blame Sissy for Carl’s foul mood,” Dave added sagely.

“Definitely not!” Klaus said, “it’s not her fault her boyfriend’s a prick.”

“To be fair,” Diego cut in, “she’s been pretty busy recently with that volunteering group she and Vanya signed up for. You know, the one with the music therapy for autistic kids.”

Klaus and Dave shared a glance and Dave had to duck his head quickly to hide his smile.

“Yeah,” Klaus said slowly, “Sissy and Vanya have been busy with the… volunteering. Recently, in particular, they’ve both got very… busy. Together.”

Engrossed in his phone, Diego didn’t notice the knowing grin that passed between Klaus and Dave.

“Maybe I shouldn’t go,” Diego mused, “maybe it gives her too much power. Coming when she calls, I mean. I don’t want her to get the wrong idea.”

“Don’t you mean get the right idea?” Klaus smirked.

“Shut up,” Diego scowled, “I’m not her lap dog.”

Klaus caught Dave’s gaze and rolled his eyes. “Honestly, these Straights,” he said with a mock exasperated sigh, “they have such complicated relationships.” He turned to Diego and levelled him a challenging look. “Seriously, brother mine, you need to let that girl peg the toxic masculinity right out of you. You might have a clearer perspective on the whole thing after you’ve let her fuck you ‘till your true bratty bottom personality starts showing. I bet you’d find it quite liberating to let her watch you shake apart while your ankles are in the air and your knees are up by your ears.”

Diego let out a strangled choking sound.

“But if you’re too much of a sissy to let a woman top you,” Klaus added, “I’d highly recommend levelling up and finding a nice guy to fuck you instead. Tits are nice and all that – but you just can’t beat a big, hard dick. So go find yourself one of them. Just not the one attached to him,” Klaus winked at Dave, “because that one’s spoken for.”

Dave grinned fondly, rolling his eyes.

“I don’t even know where to start with that,” Diego said with a grimace.

“Well,” Dave said evenly, “personally, I’d recommend starting with a bit of dry humping. Then, when you finally get your hands around it, you can start working it properly. Maybe fondle the balls a bit.”

“Dave!” Diego said shocked. “That’s… you… don’t say things like that.” He looked between Klaus and Dave, scandalised. “He’s having a bad effect on you, Dave.”

“He’s had an effect alright,” Dave said, catching Klaus’ eye, “a big, prominent, pointed effect.”

“Seriously, dude,” Diego grimaced, “I don’t want to hear this.”

“Oh, quit whining,” Klaus chuckled. “We all know you ship us hard.”

“So hard,” Dave added.

“So, very, very hard.” Klaus giggled. “As hard as we make each other.”

“Oh, dear god!” Diego cringed, covering his ears with his hands. “Mental images! Forcing their way into my brain. Cannot un-think!”

Klaus and Dave both laughed.

“Well, on that note, I’m off.” Diego patted himself down checking for his keys and started towards the door. “I’d rather be at Lila’s beck and call than listen to anymore of this. You reprobates stay safe now. And for God’s sake, don’t cum on anything, please!”

“Don’t worry,” Klaus called after him. “We swallow.”

“La-la-la! NOT LISTENING!” Diego called back, hands over his ears again as he left, the front door to the Academy clicking shut behind him.

Klaus caught Dave’s eye and Dave raised an eyebrow and asked simply, “So, shall we?”

And Klaus barked a laugh. “Hell, yes!” he said, pulling Dave to his feet.

They ran upstairs and stumbled down the corridor to Klaus’ room, laughing and kissing and fumbling, hands pulling off clothes and blindly knocking into furniture in their haste.

“Diego’s really going to appreciate the trail of discarded clothing leading to your room,” Dave smiled, glancing over Klaus’ shoulder.

“Don’t care,” Klaus breathed, his lips pressing kisses along Dave’s jaw. “To be honest, Grace will probably pick it all up before he sees anyway.” Dave’s eyes widened in panic, but Klaus took the lobe of Dave’s ear into his mouth and sucked, and Dave’s mind blanked. He shivered and Klaus grinned, grazing his teeth along the flesh.

The door to Klaus’ room was barely shut behind them before Klaus was sinking to his knees in front of Dave, hands scrambling to unbuckle his pants.

Dave rested his head back against the door and allowed Klaus to pull his pants and boxers down, but before Dave had chance to step out of them, Klaus was leaning forwards eagerly and taking Dave into his mouth.

Dave groaned, long and low, both his hands going to Klaus’ head, fingers carding through the unruly curls, fingernails raking slowly and seductively along the scalp. He then tugged gently, in just the way he knew Klaus loved and Klaus hummed in delight. The vibrations sent a wave of pleasure through Dave and he sighed out Klaus’ name. Klaus hummed again, then started sucking and bobbing his head in earnest, his hands steadying Dave’s hips.

Dave closed his eyes and let the feelings overtake him. Klaus was setting a delicious rhythm, with just the right level of suction. His mouth was hot and wet and perfect. Dave could feel Klaus breathe out as he relaxed his throat and took Dave down deeper.

“Oh, Klaus…” Dave moaned, gently tugging on his hair again. “That’s so good.”

Klaus hummed again and, fighting the impulse to gag, took him down ever further.

“Oh, yes!” Dave sighed. “Oh Klaus, your mouth feels so good.” His brain fuzzy, the praises spilled off his lips, “Yes, oh you’re so good at that. It feels amazing. You feel amazing. You’re amazing.” Dave could feel the pressure building, the knot tightening. Klaus kept bobbing and sucking. “Oh yes, there, like that. Klaus! Oh yes, yes.”

 Dave twitched his hips slightly and Klaus gave an almost imperceptible nod and squeezed his fingers, signalling that Dave could thrust forwards. Dave let out a strangled little sound and – ever so gently – started fucking Klaus’ mouth. Klaus moaned, his pupil’s blown and his chin wet.

Dave let out a low grunt and concentrated on the feeling of the tiny thrusts of his hips – the raw, decadent pleasure of pushing his cock into his partner’s willing mouth. The slightly strangled moans coming from Klaus were needy and wanton and desperate. The act felt so… base. So… primal. To Dave, it felt… unimaginably good.

Dave savoured the feeling, storing it away to be examined and replayed at another time, another place.

Klaus squeezed Dave’s hips again and then took him all the way down into his throat, swallowed, then hummed. And Dave felt the vibrations rumble through him in a heady wave. His fingers twitched and his hips bucked involuntarily.

Klaus chocked. Just a little. “Sorry, sorry,” Dave said, contrite. He only felt slightly guilty for the sudden rush that had surged through him at the sight and sound of Klaus choking on his cock.

Klaus hummed in response, picking up the pace of his bobbing, cheeks hollowed and his tongue working the underside. His thumb ran soothingly over Dave’s hipbone and even in his state of fuggy pleasure, Dave knew it was a sign of reassurance.

Half out of his mind with pleasure, Dave looked down and took in the sight of Klaus; cheeks hollowed, his lips stretched wide around Dave’s cock, the gentle sway of his wild curls as he bobbed his head. His eyelashes were dark fans over eyelids heavy from desire. Dave felt a proprietary surge of pleasure as he noticed the beginnings of dark streaks on the pale, delicate skin under Klaus’ bottom lashes, where the slight wetness around his eyes had caused his eyeliner to run.

Dave gave another low groan. He could feel himself tensing, his pleasure cresting. “Klaus!” he managed to grunt.

 Klaus pulled back and off with a wet pop, a line of saliva still connecting them. He began fisting Dave’s length. He opened his mouth wide, stuck out his tongue and rested Dave’s tip on the wet, pink muscle. He looked up: open and willing and eager. Ready to be claimed, though Dave.

Eyelids heavy and eyes dark with lust, Klaus gazed up at Dave through his lashes. And, staring down into Klaus’ eyes, Dave’s pleasure crested and his orgasm crashed over him like a tidal surge. He came undone, pulsing and releasing, thick creamy ropes of cum landing over Klaus’ tongue and his lips and his chin and his cheek. Klaus closed his eyes and took it, hand still working Dave’s shaft, helping him ride out his high. And Dave just kept cumming, all over his boyfriend’s face and tongue and a bit in his hair. And it felt so dirty, but also so brilliant. And his brain thrummed: mine, mine, mine…

Dave’s cock gave a final weak pulse and Klaus licked the small trickle of cum off the tip.

Dave looked down and blushed at the sight of Klaus on his knees before him, his cheeks flushed, chin wet, face splattered with cum and his hair sticking up wildly from where Dave had been gripping the dark curls.

“Oh, Klaus” he whispered reverently. And Klaus smiled and gently kissed the tip of Dave’s cock one last time before getting to his feet.

Dave’s thumb came up to Klaus’ bottom lip and smeared a spot of cum across the skin. Klaus’ tongue came out to taste it, but Dave leaned forwards quickly and caught Klaus’ lips in a kiss, tasting himself on Klaus’ skin and in the slow slide of their lips and tongues.

“So, I guess we didn’t do what Diego asked after all,” Dave smiled.

“Pretty sure he meant the sofas, or in the kitchen or something,” Klaus grinned. “I don’t think it counts if the thing you’re cumming on is me.” Dave groaned again. Then reached blindly, grabbed his discarded tee and lightly wiped the mess off Klaus’ face. Then he brought their faces close until the tips of their noses were touching and brushed them together in an Eskimo kiss.

Dave stepped forwards, trying to walk Klaus back to the bed but, forgetting about his pants still pooled around his ankles, he almost overbalanced. Klaus laughed and held his arms steady while Dave toed off his boots and socks and stepped out of his jeans. Klaus’ pants had been abandoned somewhere on the trip from the living room to Klaus’ bedroom.

Dave gently placed his hands on Klaus’ immaculate chest and walked him back to the bed, softly pushing him down onto his back. Klaus shuffled backwards, laying his head on the pillow. He was toned and sun-golden and glorious, his erection a prominent bulge tenting his underwear. He’s gorgeous, Dave thought. Completely gorgeous and all mine. And a thrill ran through him.

Dave got onto the bed and pulled Klaus’ underwear off. And then Klaus was spread out before him: standing big and stiff and proud. A meal Dave wanted to both devour all at once… and also savour for the rest of his life.

Dave crawled over Klaus, propping himself up on his forearms so he could bring their lips together again. Klaus sighed and ran one hand down Dave’s spine, resting the other on his backside and squeezing.

“Ass man,” Dave breathed into Klaus’ mouth.

“Bite me,” Klaus smiled back, and Dave caught his bottom lip between his teeth and nipped lightly. Klaus groaned and pushed his hips up against Dave.

Dave grinned and rolled them over. He slotted his leg between Klaus’, presenting his thigh for Klaus to ride. Klaus propped himself up on his arms and pushed his hips down, grinding his erection into Dave’s deliciously solid thigh. He breathed out a sigh and leaned down to continue their kiss, his hips pressing forwards rhythmically. Dave pushed his tongue into Klaus’ mouth and let the kiss get dirty, his hands kneading Klaus’ ass cheeks as Klaus humped his leg. The room was filled with the sound of Klaus panting and grunting and the dull thunk of the headboard against the wall as Klaus increased the pace and vigour of his rutting.

“Look at you,” Dave breathed, eyeing Klaus’ slack mouth and flushed cheeks, “just look at you. So beautiful.”

“Dave,” Klaus gritted out.

“Oh, is there something you need, sweetheart?” Dave teased.

“Yes,” Klaus panted, a little frustrated and desperate to get off.

Dave raised an eyebrow but made no other attempt to move.

“Oh,” Klaus whined, “Dav-uh!”

Dave grinned wickedly, “Maybe you should ask nicely?”

Klaus’ eyes went wide. For a heart stopping moment, Dave thought he might have gone too far, might have misread the vibe, might have killed the moment.

But then Klaus flushed, blinking rapidly, and whispered, “Dave, please.” Dave squeezed his ass cheeks again and Klaus whined and clamped his thighs around Dave’s leg, grinding his erection down harder. “Please,” he repeated in a small, broken voice, “please do something to get me off.” He brought his lips to Dave’s ear, so close Dave could feel his lips moving, and murmured, “please, Mr Katz…”

Dave swallowed hard. A rush of adrenaline, and also something else – something deeper and more primal – ran through him. He could feel the soft, warm weight of his partner, writhing and rutting against him. Needy and desperate. Needy, for him. Dave was suddenly overwhelmed by an instinctive, primal urge to give and please and protect and provide. Mine, Dave thought again. He’s mine.

Dave hooked his leg around Klaus’ and flipped them over. He pressed one final searing kiss to Klaus’ lips and then worked his way down Klaus’ body, trailing kisses down his neck and chest, his tongue flicking over the hardened nub of a nipple. He teasingly kissed his way down the faint trail of dark hairs that started just below his navel and ended at the base of Klaus’ cock.

Dave could feel Klaus breathing deeply, his chest rising and falling in anticipation. But rather than turning his attention to Klaus’ erection. Dave dipped his head lower, and pressed kisses and teasing licks into the delicate skin surrounding Klaus’ cock. He pressed his nose against Klaus’ balls, nuzzling them slightly, then opened his mouth and sucked as much as he could into his mouth, applying delicious pressure and working the skin with his tongue. Klaus whined above him. Dave repeated the action, then moved onto the other.

“Dave,” Klaus panted. “Dave, please.”

A thought started buzzing in Dave’s brain. It felt electric – live and shocking.

Without quite realising he’d done it, Dave made a decision. He felt wired and alive and empowered.

Dave smiled and rose onto his knees. His hands went to Klaus’ hips. “Roll over,” he said gently.

“What?” Klaus’ head came up, eyes slightly unfocussed.

“Come on,” Dave repeated quietly, “roll over.”

“Dave? What’re you…” Klaus looked confused.

“I want to try something,” Dave smiled. He felt a shy, nervous flutter in his stomach, but he swallowed, caught Klaus’ eye and gave a confident little nod.

Klaus held his gaze a moment, eyes wide, but then he obliged, rolling onto his front. Dave encouraged him to spread his legs and lift onto his knees and elbows. Dave sat back for a second and just took in the sight before him: his boyfriend bent over on his bed, flushed and hard and slightly bewildered, but presenting himself so beautifully for Dave. Dave licked his lips and smiled. He was going to enjoy this.

Klaus’ head hung between his arms and he craned around to look at Dave admiring him and – despite all his previous experience – he still felt a small spike of self-conscious embarrassment. He shifted and started to get up, “Dave, what’s… what’re you doing…?”

“Shhh,” Dave reassured, his hand rubbing soothing circles into Klaus’ lower back and encouraging him back down. “It’s okay. Just relax. I’ve got this. I’ve got you.”

Klaus narrowed his eyes slightly but relaxed back down.

Dave positioned himself between Klaus’ legs and ran his hands over Klaus’ ass cheeks, endearingly pale against the tan of the rest of his skin. He gave the right one a quick pat and squeeze. Lowering his head slowly, he pressed a gentle kiss into the soft, fleshy centre of each cheek. Then, using his thumbs, he spread the cheeks apart, finally revealing Klaus’ pink, furled hole.

“Dave…?” He heard Klaus choke out.

Dave blew a soft stream of warm air onto Klaus’ little rosebud and watched as it clenched slightly.

Then, leaning forwards, he brought his face in close and slowly licked across Klaus’ tight hole.

“Fuck!” He heard Klaus exclaim.

Dave smiled and, tongue soft and wet and wide, he repeated the action.

“Oh, Dave! Oh, fuck!” Klaus panted again.

Dave pointed his tongue and flicked it up and down, and left to right, brushing it quickly over the delicate skin. Dave could feel Klaus’ hole fluttering under his tongue.

“Dave! Oh god, yes, oh yes!” Klaus panted. He shifted his hips and repositioned his arm to take his weight. He brought the other hand down to his cock, which was hanging thick and heavy and neglected between his legs. But before he could take hold of it, however, Dave caught his wrist and stopped him.

“Not yet,” he said. And his face was still so close to Klaus’ most private area that Klaus could feel the huff of air against his wet skin when Dave spoke.

Klaus shivered and groaned, but brought his elbow back down to the bed, resigning himself to the sweet torture.

Dave reapplied his tongue to Klaus’ hole and soon Klaus was panting and sighing and pushing back against him, needy whines and breathy little gasps escaping his throat.

Dave switched up the movement of his tongue from strong licks and fast little flicks, and instead covered Klaus’ hole with his lips and then sucked lightly.

Klaus groaned under him, pushing back, his legs trembling. “Oh, fuuuuuck!” he whimpered.

Dave gave the furled hole another slow lick, then pointed his tongue and – ever so slowly – pushed it against Klaus’ entrance. Klaus’ breath hitched. At first Klaus’ muscles resisted. But then, as Dave wiggled his tongue slightly, he felt the tight ring of muscles begin to relax, allowing him to push his tongue in slightly. Dave pressed his tongue forwards in tight circular motions, then slowly pulled back and pressed in again, fucking Klaus’ hole with the tip of his tongue.

“Oh, fuuuuucck me!” Klaus wailed. “Fuck, Dave! Yes! Oh, fuck I need to cum!”

Dave could feel Klaus trembling under his hands, the erratic twitch of his hips, the desperate, broken edge to his voice.

“Please, Dave,” Klaus pleaded. “Please, please…”

And Dave, his face still buried in Klaus’ ass, finally reached around and gripped Klaus’ leaking erection and started pumping.

And Klaus keened. He was caught between thrusting his painfully hard cock forward into Dave’s fist and pressing back into the delicious wet flicks of Dave’s tongue against his quivering hole. He was so desperately, painfully hard; the desire to cum so strong. And the feeling of Dave finally touching his rock-hard cock was toe-curlingly amazing. And Dave’s tongue, pressing and licking and sucking him – there – was beyond amazing. And for Klaus, time seemed to be caught in one delicious, shining moment of wet, hot, hard, fast, urgent, pleasure, clenching, tensing… and then he was cumming. Hard.

Thick creamy ropes spurted onto the bed and over Dave’s fist and Dave could feel Klaus’ hole twitching and clenching under his tongue as his muscles spasmed in waves. And Klaus was moaning Dave’s name wildly… then breathlessly… then a little brokenly as his trembling legs gave way and he finally collapsed forwards onto the bed.

Dave moved up the bed and lay down on his side next to him. Carefully, he ran his fingers through Klaus’ hair, studying his face, his closed eyes, his blissed-out expression.

Klaus opened his eyes blearily and looked at Dave.

“Dave,” he whispered hoarsely. Dave smiled.

“Dave,” Klaus tried again, “That was just so… thank you. Just, wow! Like really. Wow. It was just… so…” he screwed up his face, trying to find the right words and failing, ending instead on just a low grunt of consonants. “Nngggh,” he finished.

Dave smiled, eyes fond and affectionate. “Well, if I’ve rendered you speechless, I guess it must have been okay,” he teased lightly. Klaus blinked. Dave brought his lips down and tenderly kissed Klaus’ forehead and whispered, “I’m glad you thought so. It felt pretty incredible to do it for you too.” Klaus hummed and his eyes drifted closed.

“Hey,” Dave squeezed his shoulder. “You should have a quick shower before you sleep.”

“Don’t wanna,” Klaus mumbled. “Tired and comfy and no energy.”

“Come on, up you get.” Dave encouraged. “You’re sticky and sweaty and smell like sex. You’re laying in the wet spot and you’ve got cum in your hair. Shower, now.”

Klaus groaned and with great effort pulled himself up and moved towards the bathroom.

“Aren’t you coming?” Klaus asked in a small voice.

“You get in, I’ll be there in a sec,” Dave said. Klaus nodded and padded off.

Dave quickly stripped the bed and put on clean sheets from the cupboard where Grace kept the fresh linen. He bundled the dirty ones up and stuffed then in the laundry basket. He then went into the bathroom to join Klaus.

When they were showered and dry, Klaus in a pair of fluorescent briefs and Dave wearing clean boxers and a soft old tee from the stash of clothes he’d started leaving at the Academy, they crawled into bed. Klaus cuddled up to him and rested his head on Dave’s chest.

“Good call,” Klaus admitted, running his hands over the crisp sheets.

Dave hummed in response. Klaus closed his eyes, listening to the rumble of it against his ear.

“So, power kink, huh?” Klaus smiled into Dave’s chest.

“I guess so,” Dave replied. “Believe me, it took me by surprise a bit too.”

“It was good,” Klaus said. “Different. It looked good on you.” Klaus paused, then added, “I like the idea that we can switch stuff up like that sometimes.”

“Me too,” Dave found himself agreeing.

“You know,” Klaus said tentatively, “we could go further too.”

Dave traced the rim of Klaus’ ear with a fingertip.

“Yeah,” Dave said, feeling bold in the gathering darkness of the room. “Give and take, assertive and submissive, top and bottom… there’s so much we can try together. And that’s just power stuff. Then there’s… well, everything else as well.” He felt Klaus hum his agreement into the skin over his heart.

“You know,” Klaus said after a pause, “when we talked about this the other day, I thought we were going to start with some light fingering. But I guess I shouldn’t have underestimated you, Mr Katz. You just dived straight in tongue first.”

“Is that a bad thing?” Dave asked a little worriedly.

“Fuck no!” Klaus exclaimed. “I just didn’t think we’d start with rimming. I mean it’s not really the natural place to start.”

“Isn’t it?” Dave frowned. “To me, it kind of just felt right in the moment.”

“I’m glad you did,” Klaus insisted, “it was mind-blowing.”

Dave grimaced. “Promise you’re not teasing my technique?” He asked. “It’s the first thing I’ve done to you before you’ve done it to me first. I didn’t have any previous experience to work from.”

There was silence and Dave frowned and shifted to look down at Klaus’ face. He was surprised to find Klaus’ cheeks pink and his ears a little red.

“Klaus?” he asked, worried.

“You weren’t bad.” Klaus said quickly. “It’s not that. It’s just that, for once, I don’t really have anything to compare to either.” His eyes widened. “Not that I usually compare you with other people,” he said quickly. “I don’t do that. Just, with this, I don’t have a point of reference. So, all I can say is you blew my mind.”

Dave took a moment to process and then asked the obvious question. “Are you saying none of the people you’ve been with before have done that for you?”

“Um… yeah,” Klaus blushed – actually blushed – “yeah, I guess I am.”

Dave swallowed. “Because they didn’t want to? Or because you didn’t want them to?” He swallowed again. “Did I… I hope I didn’t… Klaus, did you want me to do that just now?”

Klaus shifted to press his face into the hollow of Dave’s neck, his nose nuzzling the base of his throat. “Dave,” he said seriously, “I wanted it. I wanted you to.” He paused. “Before now… nobody ever offered. It wasn’t particularly something that was on my radar. I was just happy for them to fuck me. Just that was okay. I didn’t feel like I was missing out or anything. But then you just… did that for me. Because you wanted to. I’ve never been with anyone who put me first like that before.”

Dave’s heart clenched and his chest felt tight. He wrapped his arms around Klaus’ small frame and buried his nose into the curls on the top of his head.

“Klaus” he murmured, “Klaus…”

“It’s okay,” he heard Klaus sigh into his neck, “you don’t need to say anything.”

Dave swallowed the lump in his throat and tightened his arms around Klaus. The warm weight of words that didn’t need to be said just yet, lying like a blanket over them as they held each other in the gathering darkness.

Finally, Dave broke the silence, “I don’t know whether I should be a little bit offended, you know? About not being complicated, I mean.” He grinned.

“What?” Klaus frowned, opening his eyes.

“That thing you said to Diego earlier, about his dynamic with Lila being complicated.”

“Oh,” Klaus settled back down. “That.” He paused then added. “You might play the deep, strong, silent type sometimes, Dave, but you’re not complicated. I mean, not complicated complicated.” Dave ran his fingers soothingly up and down Klaus’ arm. “It’s not like do you confusing things that I can’t work out. You’re easy.”

Dave laughed.

“I don’t mean easy.” Klaus corrected himself. “I mean…”

“I know what you mean,” Dave cut in. He pressed a kiss to the top of Klaus’ head. “You might be a chaotic, eccentric oddball at times, but to me, you’re easy, too.” Klaus huffed a small laugh against Dave’s chest.

“I love that we always seem to be on the same page about stuff,” Klaus said into the quiet stillness of the room.

“Yeah,” Dave agreed. “We click. Always have. And I suppose we trust each other too, so that helps.”

Klaus blinked and swallowed hard.

“We do click, don’t we?” His voice was small.

“Yes,” Dave said earnestly.

“This really is something special, isn’t it?” Klaus said, just as quietly. He wants confirmation, Dave thought. Despite all the bravado, he’s actually a little vulnerable and insecure and wants confirmation.

“Yes,” Dave said, giving him exactly what he needed. “For me, right from the very first moment, this just felt right.”

“For me too,” Klaus admitted softly.

Klaus rolled over and settled on his side, pulling Dave flush behind him; the big spoon to Klaus’ little spoon. Dave’s knees tucked into the crook of Klaus’ legs, his arm coming over, fingers interlacing and hands curled close to Klaus’ chest. Dave’s groin pressed against Klaus’ backside, but in this moment, Dave felt nothing more than tenderness and affection. He pressed a kiss to the back of Klaus’ neck, the spot right between his shoulders, and shifted slightly, snuggling them even closer.

“After everything,” Klaus mumbled into the pillow, voice drowsy and muffled slightly. “After all this time, and everything we’ve been through to get here.” He paused, let out a breath and then carried on. “It’s hard to believe that this is how it could be from now on.”

Dave thought back to how he used to feel about his relationship with Klaus – like his life had turned into a series of moments as precious… and delicate… and fragile as champagne flutes on a tray in the wind. He wondered when he had stopped feeling like the tiniest wrong move or misstep could bring his happiness crashing down in a shower of irreparable shards of shattered crystal.

“Believe it,” Dave replied, and Klaus sighed and relaxed further into his arms. Dave shut his eyes and held him close, his heart beating a rhythm against Klaus’ back: this, just this, just this, just this, just this…

[mantra4ia]

Lucifer 5x06 "Blueballz" reaction'd w/ spoilers

August 27th 2020

Pre ep. thoughts: This is the episode where Lucifer and Chloe finally sleep together, with the title like that how could it not be? The writers aren't even trying to hide it from us anymore.

That's a red herring. Oh what teases.

Finger locking foreplay? Yes.

He's holding up the crime tape for her...yeeees.

"Excuse us" not me, Us. ‼️‼️⚠️

Don't try to fool the lab tech. Ella sees all the evidence. They drove together. They're flirting at a crime scene. They are like high schoolers. Lopez knows.

"We have about 500 potential witnesses, that are all drunk and most likely very high." Lucifer has never looked so disappointed that so many people were on drugs.

Lucifer about DJ Karnal: "One DJ with a modicum of talent...but does everything have to be about sex" you waltzed right into that one...

Finally, we get to see an ex that's not Dan. Compared to Lucifers library of exes, It shouldn't be a problem. But it still seems to ruffle his feathers just as much.

"Cherry Jane?" Are you kidding me? That's too much temptation for Lucifer to ignore. That's like personal torment straight from God.

Jed: "are you still with Dave" Lucifer: "Dan!" You know we're in deep jealousy territory when Lucifer is defending Dan without a second thought.

Jed: "Are you in a relationship?" Ooooooooooooooooh noooooooooooooo! Lucifer's face does not like that.

You have no idea how close you are to death you are Jed. You've got a devil on your shoulder.

Lucifer: "The Detective had a child with you and I never felt the slightest bit threatened." Zing #1

Uggh, I hate those protesters. Sidenote: This episode feels very personal to me. Jed supporting a low income housing project which is awesome, and people are protesting for "the quality of their neighborhood." We have a similar development in my neighborhood except it's not low income housing. It's a project to turn a vacant hotel property into a mental health and rehab facility. Yet people in the neighborhood are affluent and are constantly protesting because they're worried about property value and the quality of their neighborhood and their schools. I'm so sick to death of it. I would do exactly what Chloe did. So much kudos to that woman. Great job on that bit writers!

Jed named the charity after Chloe. "He's trying to get close to you again. / No one would go that far just to be near me." 💜 "I did go to hell and back for you twice but who's counting?" Oh snap! 😈 Lucifer is tripping hard.

Chloe: "Are you jealous?" Lucifer: "Of that man child who scratches records for a living." Zing #2

At least Charlie doesn't have wings popping out everywhere.

Dan: "I have faith in you pal" Amenadiel: "Great cop, great dad, and your hair is so high" Dan and Amenadiel, bff's are too precious for words. #Dandielion

Lucifer's solution to a snake is poke it with a stick - how very Whovian.

"Chloe dumped you?" Oh man, you can just see Lucifer's nerosies are going into overdrive. There's practically smoke coming out of his ears.

"Lucifer's really experienced [in bed]" Oh man, Chloe's nerosies are going into overdrive.

"Oh, you're waiting on an STD check, smart." I still can't believe Amenadiel had an STD scare and a baby before Lucifer ever did.

Sweet, first the Dan twins now the Ella twins. Whatever happened to Dan and Ella? Put her back on the path to goodness.

"Did you steal my clothes?" Borrowed with no intent to give back.

Ever plan a raid: Let the return of lady's night commence!

Amenadiel: "Linda handed me the baby and left." Dan: "what did you do?" Dan is the perfect human.

"As long as the killer doesn't cry or wet themselves, I am in. I am gonna find the killer." Linda's zeal is out of this world, but don't burn yourself right out of the gate. Steady on.

Hohooo - Guys night in, incredible. It takes a village to raise a Charlie.

Although let's be clear, recycling these plots from seasons ago is going to get old real quick unless they get creative and mix things up.

Come on Lucifer, be like Trixie, make a funny face. It would be hilarious if Charlie was soothed be Lucifer's devil face.

I find it really interesting how Maze reads Ella. how she knows that Ella needs an improved sense of self worth. And that all it takes is to challenge her, throw down the gauntlet, and say "Step up your game Lopez!" Now I hope that Maze takes her own advice.

Did Chloe really just ask Linda about her sex history with Lucifer? I am turning purple.

"He's the oldest immature person in the world, nay, universe." Drunk Linda is still so stoic. Perfect foil to "the oldest young person Lucifer's ever met."

"You got played son." Dan's finest hour.

I CALLED IT. Straight out of every fanfiction ever written. Funny faces, right Trix? Faces that make babies laugh and grown men weep. I think we have an official new kind of Heavenly Bros tag team: Heavenly Bros versus the baby.

"Do it again Luci" my thoughts exactly Amenadiel. No wonder they've been saving up the devil face all season so far.

It's a little Sonic-the-hedgehog weird to see a devil face and human hands. I would have gone full effect on that shot.

So much body glitter. And dang, Linda crashed hard.

"You can't find a soulmate if you don't have a soul." 😭😭😭😭 But we were doing so well with her character development. Naughty writers, bad! Fix this now.

Oh Lord, the face and the dagger eyes Amenadude and Luci make when he thinks Dan or is going to wake up Charlie. And here I thought Lucifer's devil face was funny. DB Woodside's face is adorably 1,000 times better.

"You want my advice? Stop asking for advice."

NoNoooNoNoNooo, I want to Dan to find out about angels, but from Amenadiel. NOT LIKE THAT. Michael you ****HEAD! Oh this is going to mess with Dan's head. I hope Amenadiel can talk him down. Don't let this break up the BFFs #DanDielion and #Bracelet Bros. Please dear Dad! We just had Dan's finest hour, don't swing to the darkest hour.

Yep, set up the friendships just to knock them down. F---

"Incredible!" Isn't that what I said, like five or six points ago?

"Goodnight." 3...2...1... I think you're taking christening the new piano a little too literally Deckerstar. 😈💜🕵️‍♀️

I like how she says "oh God" when she can't unbutton his shirt, but he doesn't protest.

Yikes, I bet that's Dan calling trying to warn Chloe.

The writer's room are such teases. This whole season has been so heavily weighted with Deckerstar: will they, won't they, almost to the point where it got tedious. Almost. And now you're telling me that they got all the way to the penthouse bedroom, and we've seen all of Lucifer and Lucifer has seen all of Chloe, and WE don't get to see them...*Amenadiel-esque epiphany* oh, that's why you called the episode...

You cruel, manipulative b*******s!

So how are you going to explain the sleepover to Trixie? 😉

Grade: 9.5/10 DETECTIVES!

If you're here this season for the Deckerstar, there's a ton so far written specifically for you. Personally, while I love the good ship Deckerstar, I'm glad we finally made it to this destination so that it can evolve.

[isroselalondebisexual]

What about ASPECT trollswaps? So Rose Serket, John Nitram, Dave Megido, and Jade Maryam *Jade Maryam the Jade blood wow*

Heehee! Jade Jade sounds fun ^_^

Rose Serket, raised with moderate wealth and a piece of shit spider lusus. I think Rose would start out killing other trolls for her, but hate it, and would resent being forced into doing someone else’s dirty work. I think it would… probably eventually result in Rose killing her lusus, to be entirely honest. She can kill people on her own just fine, she doesn’t need Spidermom to protect her, she doesn’t want Spidermom around telling her what to do and forcing her to kill people who she doesn’t know and who very very likely don’t deserve to die just to feed some lazy spider who’s too awful to go get her own food. Definitely a traumatized girl, as it goes. Angry, resentful of the world and life in general, puts out a “cool n deadly” persona that is also “i’m smarter than you, I’m tougher than you, I’m cold and aloof and untouchable, don’t fuck with me” when in reality it’s mostly just constructed out of her trying to find a sense of control in the world, and not wanting to have to deal with people being mean to her. She’s moirails with Jade, who tries her hardest to gentle Rose down and remind her that she’s just a kid, that life’s not fair and that cruelty should never be the norm. Rose starts out resenting her, resenting her “help” that Rose is certain Jade is giving with disdain, but Jade is no quitter and Rose wants to be loved, wants that assurance that she’s valuable and there is kindness in this life for her, and the two of them end up with an incredibly strong moirallegiance in which they help and love each other, despite a hard and rocky start. They tell stories of how it was difficult, but worth it. She’s still the Seer of Light, so her role is still to foresee the most fortuitous outcome, which she throws herself into full-throttle, converting her anger and resentment with the world to the relentless pursuit of the Light, of making things go RIGHT for once, seizing the control that her role allows and delighting in the way that she can now affect her reality, things are no longer being done to her, but she’s got the power to change the timeline with her sight and her actions and her words. Probably wants to solve all the puzzles and treasure maps on her own, and grows frustrated when she can’t just magically foresee the solution. The solution is “ask your friends for help you dumbass” and so she must begrudgingly ring up John or Jade or Dave to come help her with this goddamned treasure map, pirates are stupid anyways, who came up with the theme for this planet it’s dumb why are there compasses in the sky that doesn’t even make sense grumble grumble. A pissy, ready-to-stab-things-with-needles kind of girl, a bit of a know it all and a bit of a showoff, untrusting of other people’s intentions but ultimately brought around by the love of her sweet moirail and eventual-alien-soulmate-Kanaya. So, pretty close to canon Rose, just angrier and with a different origin story.

John Nitram, a soft, relatively poor boy with a lusus who thinks the world of him and encourages him to do his best, but be careful around danger. John’s probably gonna end up a little more skittish than we know him to be, less likely to walk into situations assuming they’ll all work out. His lusus has always loved and taken care of him, but Fairybulldad is a prey animal and that means you don’t really fight your way out of things, you either run or you bring the situation down away from danger. He jokes around, compliments people easily, is quick to laugh, just in general he likes it when the air around him is kept light and friendly, and will work to keep it that way with his own breezy and friendly demeanor. He and Dave are the greatest bros to ever bro, and everyone keeps wondering when the two of them are finally going to just GO PALE already, it’s so obvious to everyone except the two of them. Mutual pale pining? Mutual pale pining. Defo. John probably gets a huge kick out of being able to commune with animals, and will DEFINITELY make them do stupid shit for kicks. Dave has had so many birds fly in through his window at random, inconvenient times. So many. Curse you Nitram!! John laughs it off and to be fair, Dave does really like birds. John also has like, a million friends that he can just sorta cuddle with at any given time. All the meowbeasts and barkbeasts love him. All of them. Is very likely scared of Rose, who is a very cold midblood and like, constantly furious. Danger that way lies. Jade keeps telling him she’s actually a sweetie deep down and John isn’t quite sure if he believes her, so he and Rose have a relatively distant friendship until the Game happens and John gets to interact with her regularly and he finds out that yeah, she is really cool, and she’s FIERCELY loving of her friends, she’s just really really really fucking intense basically all the time always. The two end up hitting it off, just, later in their lives than they did in canon. As Heir of Breath, his role is still one who must embody freedom, freedom from the shackles of their old society, freedom from the restrictions placed on the various castes, and freedom from his own neuroses, which are as multitudinous as ever. Naturally, he cannot accomplish this when acting on his own, and the four of them must still work together to bring out their own best qualities, and each others’.

Dave Megido, lowest financial station but with a cool Kangaramdad who does, by all known accounts, love his child. Probably has a sort of “time is money” kind of outlook and a “spend it while you have it” motto for finances, the fanciest thing he owns is his camera and he loves it to bits and pieces and he takes pictures of everything, starts up a whole series that’s just about documenting beauty in the day to day life of himself and his neighbors. He’s got a HUGE warmblood following, people like him who enjoy seeing great things in little moments that he’s somehow managed to capture on film. He loves it because Dave, as always, Craves That Mineral Validation, and also it’s his own way of fighting back against the system. He doesn’t really think there’s a whole lot he can do, but he CAN do this, and it’s what he likes and it’s how he does it. Has a super big fucking huge giant pale crush on John who always takes the time out of his night to make Dave smile and remind him of how important his friendship is to John and Dave looooooves him he’s the beeeeeeest. The two of them grow up not too far from each other so they hang out regularly and play around and are children together and Kangaramdad and Fairbulldad get along well and it’s GREAT. Dave has a somewhat-normal childhood, as much as “normal” can possibly be on a planet that repeatedly and constantly tells you that your life means nothing and you’re going to die soon anyway. Probably maintains his fascination with death and dead things, probably still has a “dead things in jars” collection, and it’s very likely because he lives in a society that really requires Dave to reconcile with the concept of death and think about it often. It’s always right there, looming behind the corner, and he can ignore it and be scared of it or he, being a child, can engage with it in a frankly weird, but ultimately progressive way. As Knight of Time, his job is to protect the alpha timeline and foster its happening, so he still winds up seeing his own dead body a lot and he still has to be VERY METICULOUS in the time loops he creates, and it’s nasty and awful but he has John around. Tbeh, I think Dave might just forgo his planet’s quest entirely and hang out on John’s planet. Do some puzzles, crack some jokes, like they usually do, only this time in a weird magic Game that is apparently birthing a new universe. He and Rose very likely poke a lot of fun at each other, sorta nudging at “how far can I push” but also “ahaha, I am aloof and unbothered, you cannot rattle MY bones” so it’s just this weird, vaguely antagonistic friendship where they both REALLY like each other and are glad to be friends but sometimes they just can’t resist being little shits. He and Jade are also good friends, Jade making sure Dave is okay and checking in pretty regularly and Dave sending her things he knows will brighten her day and making sure she feels like one of the cool kids too, because she is cool, he thinks she’s so cool and really looks up to her as a person and as a friend and is really glad that he knows her. Eventually Dave meets a surly alien named Karkat and falls ass over heels in love with him and it’s DUMB and JOHN HELP WHAT SHOULD HE DO and oh god is he pitch for Karkat??? Flush???? Should someone come mediate them??? Is he pale for Karkat??? What’s going on he’s feeling so many things for this awful, stupid, beautiful dumb hilarious compassionate-yet-selfish boy John help Dave’s going to die of alien-gay. John pats his shoulder and smirks at him, and then proceeds to relentlessly tease him for his crush on an alien.

Jade Maryam, raised middle class out in the middle of FUCKING NOWHERE (again), with a lusus who loves her. Probably ends up pretty well adjusted, all things considered. She has to fight off zombies, so that’s something, but she gardens and she does her sciency stuff and she’s awake on Prospit and friends with the chess people, so really her upbringing is nigh-identical to that of canon, but this time with a guardian of pretty high intelligence, compared to all her friends’ custodians, instead of a magic dog. The violence of Alternian society probably makes her a little more prone to physical violence as a response to her anger, and she likely has like a million and five rifles, but ultimately I can’t see a whole hell of a lot of difference between Jade Maryam and Jade Harley. Still the Witch of Space, whose job is to bring about the new world and alter the whole of the universe for the good of the people residing within it. Good pals with her friends, dating Rose in pale and acting as something of an anchor for them all, the reliable, solid member that they can all fall back on. Idk if I’ve talked about this often but I associate all of the kids with certain elements and I’ve always pegged Jade for earth. She’s grounded, solid, and focused on growth, and I love her

[kylereviewed]

collider:

Olivia Munn Teases X-Men: Dark Phoenix As A Two-Parter

No one knows the evil warlord Garmadon (voiced by Justin Theroux), aka The Worst Guy Ever, better than his ex-wife, Koko (voiced by Olivia Munn), and when it comes to their son Lloyd (voiced by Dave Franco), the eternally optimistic mother just wants to help him survive adolescence. But in The LEGO Ninjago Movie, being a high school teenager isn’t easy for Lloyd because everyone knows that his father won’t stop until he’s achieved world domination, which can make friendships tough to keep and teenage life insurmountable.

While at the LEGOLAND California Resort for the film’s press junket, Collider got the opportunity to sit down with actress Olivia Munn to talk about why she wanted to be a part of The LEGO Ninjago Movie, what she loves about her character, why Koko was so much fun to play, what she’s like her superpower to be, if she were a secret ninja, and why she wants to move in with Justin Theroux and Jennifer Aniston. She also talked about her cameo in Ocean’s Eight and how she was responsible for her own wardrobe, hair, and make-up, and why Simon Kinberg, who’s making his directorial debut on X-Men: Dark Phoenix, makes such a great director.

Collider: What sold you on the LEGO Ninjago Movie and made you want to be a part of it?

OLIVIA MUNN: Well, I didn’t really have to be sold. I hadn’t seen LEGO Batman yet when I signed on for this, but I had seen the first LEGO movie. What’s so great about the LEGO movies is that, from the get-go, they were made in a way that wasn’t just adult-friendly, but you don’t have to have a kid with you to go see them. They’re edgy and funny and clever. The toys are the toys, and I love that about these movies. It really allows for the actors to bring so much life to them, and I really love that. It was so much fun!

Who is Koko and how does she fit into the city of Ninjago?

MUNN: What I love so much about Koko is that she’s this always optimistic mother. A lot of kids his age are going through some tough times, and he happens to be going through a very tough time ‘cause his father is an evil warlord and the whole school knows it. It’s like, “Your dad’s the worst guy, ever, and we know that!” She tries to be so positive, and I just love that so much about her. And I love that she has this other side to her, that gets revealed in the movie, but she chose to keep that private from her son. I love that she has this whole other dimension to her. I wanted her to be a positive force in Lloyd’s life. No matter what, she was going to love him through it and be super positive. And then, we find out this other side to her life, and I loved that so much. You might look at her like a mother who’s just being super positive, and that there’s all there is to it, but when you find out about the other life that she’s had and what she’s capable of, it makes you realize that, out of all the roads she could have chosen with all of her capabilities, she chose to be a mother. She could have been a hero for many, but she chose to be a hero for one. That, to me, was so special because it really shows the importance of what being a mother is. Out of all the amazing roads, she could choose, she chose the most amazing of all, which was to be a mother to Lloyd. I loved that so much.

Even before we know about Koko’s previous secret life, we get to see what a fierce temper she has when it comes to Garmadon. Was that fun to play?

MUNN: That was really fun, to play the momma bear who’s like, “I don’t care if you’re the biggest evil warlord! You’re annoying me right now, and I’m not afraid to tell you that!” That’s why I feel I had a kindred spirit with Koko. That’s how I live my life. The one thing we all have in common is that I exist as much as you exist. You can be the President of the United States, you can be an evil warlord, or you can be the head of a studio, but I’m here and you’re here. We may have different paths. You may be a lot more powerful and really wealthy, and all of those things, but we both exist and we’re both here, so I’m gonna treat you as a human being. What I see in you and how you treat me is what you’re gonna get back, and that’s Koko. She’s the one person in the world who’s not intimidated by Garmadon because she’s like, “I know you! You can be fancy with all of your evil warlord get-up, and your helmet and block clothes, but I know who you are! It’s all a facade, and I don’t care!”

Could you ever have imagined a world where you and Justin Theroux would be playing parents to Dave Franco?

MUNN: It’s actually art imitating life. Justin and I have decided to adopt Dave. He didn’t ask to be adopted, but we felt he needed it, mostly because I wanted to move into Justin’s home with Jennifer Aniston ‘cause it’s beautiful. I was like, “For this movie and for the press tour, I should be living with you guys. We should really think about whether to put Dave in private school, or whether we should go the Montessori route.” They haven’t really accepted my offer yet. It’s coming. I think it’s gotta come! Side note: Jen and I are friends now, which blows my mind. We filmed a movie together. We meet a lot of people through social parties and work parties, and I’ve been able to meet a lot of the people that I’ve idolized, and who are at the top of their game or who are the most famous people. Out of everyone, Jennifer Aniston is the nicest, most down-to-earth person. She’s nice, in the way that I think of nice. She’s so real. She’s the real deal. She’s in life. She doesn’t have a horde of people around her. She’s always engaged and talking to people. I just love her to death. That’s why I want to move in with them. Maybe this article can be about that.

We’ll put in a good word for you!

MUNN: Oh, my god, please! That would be great! I’ll just start Uber-ing over there. I’ll be like, “The Uber just dropped me off here, and I don’t really know how to get back. Maybe I should just stay forever!”

You got to be a part of Ocean’s Eight.

MUNN: I got to do a cameo in Ocean’s Eight.

What was that experience like?

MUNN: I got the call to see if I wanted to come do a cameo, and they were like, “We’ll fly you out.” During that time, I was in a relationship where I didn’t work. He played football, so during the season, for three years, I’d have to go do press, but I wouldn’t work. I just wanted to be there to be supportive. But then, this came up. It worked out that it was on a day off, so I flew out and did it. They said, “You’ll be playing a part at the Met Ball. We want you to come out and be in it, but wear whatever you’d think you would wear and do whatever you think you’d do for hair and make-up.” Basically, it cost me a lot. I paid for the stylist, and for the hair and make-up, but that’s how much fun it was to be a part of that movie, which I think is so cool. It passed the Bechdel test, 20 times over. It was amazing! Mindy Kaling is a good friend of mine, and I was so excited when she got that. Sandra Bullock is my favorite. Cate Blanchett is my favorite. Sarah Paulson is amazing and so great. Anytime you do a cameo, you don’t know whether you’ll be in the movie, but just to be there was amazing. We shot at the actual Met, and I didn’t know this, but there’s a whole bar. On movie sets, you wait around a lot, and on this one, everyone was up in the bar, where there was a counter of ridiculously expensive diamonds that you could go borrow if you wanted to wear them in the scene. It was extreme! I had to pay to be in the movie, but it was worth it. It was such a great experience! There were a lot of people there, and it was really fun.

Image via Warner Bros.

Are you currently working on X-Men: Dark Phoenix?

MUNN: I don’t know what I’m supposed to say. I’m supposed to be vague. That’s my answer. I’m horrible at that. It’s like a two-parter, this movie. That’s more than I’ve said, in general. I don’t know why people have to be so secretive.

What’s it been like to work with Simon Kinberg, who’s been with the franchise as a producer, but is making his directorial debut with this film?

MUNN: I love Simon Kinberg. He’s such a visionary. We’re all so close. Anytime that you’re working on a project where everyone hangs out and they’re close, it’s a breeding ground for great content and a great experience. I think Simon is gonna kill it. He’s gonna do such a fantastic job with it. When I came on, he pitched me to be Psylocke, and I didn’t know him until I worked on that movie, but you see how everyone is friends and they hang out. It’s really cool! I just filmed a role in Josh Duhamel’s movie (The Buddy Games), up in Canada. He wrote, directed and is starring in it, and it’s the first film he directed and wrote. He got a bunch of his guy friends to be in the movie, and it was one of the most fun experiences. I’ve never worked on something where it’s another actor’s passion project. It’s interesting ‘cause you see how, when the director is also the writer and it’s a passion project, everybody steps up. You always try to do your best, in general, but there was a different energy. Those guys – Nick Swardson, Dax Shepard, James Roday, Dan Bakkedahl and Kevin Dillon – had me laughing the entire time. I only filmed for five days, but it was so much fun and they were so funny. Nick Swardson is one of the funniest human beings. Working with Simon, as a director, has that similar thing. It makes it more fun because everyone just steps up, a little bit more.

If you were a part of your own secret ninja group of warriors that save the day, what would you want your power or ability to be and what would your own personal mech look like?

MUNN: I know it’s crazy, but I would take on Psylocke’s powers, to be able to create anything with your mind. That’s why Psylocke was always one of my favorite X-Men characters. The fact that she could create anything with her mind, but she still chooses to fight, she wants the challenge. That and/or the ability to control time. If you could control time, you’re good. And if you have the power to create anything with your mind, you could keep creating different mechs.

The LEGO Ninjago Movie is now playing in theaters.

[lifewithdavefarts]

DaveFarts - Episode 11 “VoiceFarting” [Episode List] Tim and Adam are hanging out on... Liscord, playing some stuff together, waiting for Dave to join them for a game. When Adam unexpectedly has to leave however, Dave decides to do some… microphone testing.

VoiceFarting

“I’m going in as a mage ‘cause you fuckers can’t cast for shit” I heard Adam say right into my ears.

This was one of our usual game nights. We’d voice chat on Liscord on our own server and all that stuff. Adam was being, for the lack of a better term, kind of bitchy, ‘cause he thinks as himself as the most skilled gamer around even though we’re always reviving his ass. In the end it’s all in good fun of course, but we’d all happily mute him during a match if we could.

“Yes, Adam. Have fun with the ‘easy mode’ character.” I said, deliberately baiting him.

“Listen here you little shit” he immediately blurted “I can accept that you’re gay but I’m not going to accept the fact that you’re a scrub.” he said, obviously joking, though he did take skills seriously during a match.

“Yeah yeah but I’m the one using the axe, fighting enemies face-to-face like a man.” I kept teasing him. “How’s going up there? Still casting light arrows from your safe space?” I cackled.

“Excuse me???” his icon lighting up, the audio clipping “Why don’t we check your stats instead? Too afraid of looking like the scrub you are??? I literally made no mistakes last time.”

“Of course you didn’t: the chance of making mistakes is like 0% when you stand still and far from the battle.”

There was a moment of silence, then I heard Adam’s breath into the mic “You know I know where you live, right?”

I laughed but before I could continue this very deep and mature battle of wits, we both heard the sound notifying us that our bud Dave joined the voice chat. Now, whenever Dave joins, we usually hear every sound except for his voice, so we were ready to have our ears busted because of the noi-

“Hey noobs!” Dave greeted us, with a voice that was instead crystal clear.

“What the hell” both me and Adam said, our avatars lighting up at the same time.

“I see you noticed that you can now hear my beautiful voice perfectly.” he bragged, and rightfully so.

Normally we could hear his PC’s fans, what was going on down the street, cars passing by, atoms crashing into each others… farts. But now it was just Dave with his now-soothing voice calling us names.

“Are you finished?” Adam said.

But there was no response from Dave.

“Did he finally die?” Adam continued.

I heard a faint sigh of relief from Dave and then he went “Yeah, now I’m finished.”

I kind of suspected what happened but I didn’t say a word.

“Wait. You didn’t hear a thing?” Dave asked, puzzled.

Both me and Adam shrugged as if he could see us, but then said that no, we didn’t.

My detective skills told me that my gassy straight bud ripped one of his classic loud farts, but the new microphone had that “background noise reduction” feature (which my friend seriously needed) so it didn’t register his ass-blast as the old one usually did, so much so that Dave’s frequent farts would eventually turn into white noise for the rest of us. But now, his new headset was actually worth the price and all we could hear was indeed his voice.

“Can we just get into the game befo-“ Adam blurted, but was cut off mid-sentence by a loud, ear-piercing sound coming from Dave, though that wasn’t him speaking or screaming.

My fartbro really didn’t want us to miss what his ass is capable of, so we were both startled by a powerful, audio-clipping fart that completely overwhelmed our voice begging him to stop. And he did stop, but only after like 12 seconds. The rip was followed by the sound of Dave re-adjusting his microphone and laughing. “Hopefully you heard that now.” he chuckled.

I did hear it. I was very familiar with it. Truth is that Dave farting during our game sessions wasn’t anything new however. Even I was used to it, though that did pitch a tent in my shorts. I started wondering whether Dave was in jeans, shorts or boxers. Probably the latter, and shirtless, given that it was a warm evening. I tried to not to let my usual simp-ness over my bro take over me but apparently it was already too late, as I didn’t even notice Adam begin pissed off about an unwanted phone call.

“I’m sorry guys, I gotta take this one.” he said, annoyed. “Do not wait for me. Cya tomorrow I guess.”

And logged off, another sound notifying us that he went into the terrible real world realm.

“Alone at last, bro.” Dave said, in a flirty tone, just as Adam left.

I laughed and mindlessly switched to a different, this time single-player game as we needed at least 3 guys to play, one of those brutal action games that I suck at but I have to beat.

Dave did the same, with a similar game, and we both started gaming on our own but keeping each other company, like we usually do, occasionally exchanging opinions on what we were playing and so on.

“It’s probably his ex-girlfriend” Dave said.

“Yeah. I figured.” I simply answered.

Adam wasn’t really talkative about his personal stuff like me or even Dave, so neither us really knew what was going on. But if our bud didn’t want us to know, not fully know at least, then we respect this decision.

After a couple of more minutes of silence, I heard some sounds coming from Dave. Not a fart, this time though.

“Did you say something?” I asked.

I heard some muffled noises and then Dave’s voice, lower than usual though “I’m just messing with the settings here. I feel like sometimes the volume gets messed up.” and he was right.

“Yeah the audio is kind of low now.” I warned him.

I heard some more noises (keyboard tapping, mouse clicking, etc.) and then I heard him speak again.

Or, to be more precise, he did make a sound with his mouth, though those weren’t words; a loud belch, actually, right into my ears. Dave was more of a farter, but he wasn’t new to wild, incredible burps. I honestly prefer the more disgusting butt explosion, but I still tip my hat at my bro being a masterful air-bender from both ends.

“Yes, I did hear that.” I said, anticipating his question.

He laughed. “Thank you.” he answered, belching both word with care.

A couples of minutes of silence followed, with just me and Dave occasionally chatting but overall trying to be focused on our respective games. My straight bro was however not done with the “testing”.

“Are you hearing this bro?” he suddenly asked, trying not to laugh.

“No…?” I was puzzled.

“Wait. Let me just…”

I heard Dave removing his headset and as it got farther away from his head, a familiar sound got louder and louder instead, until it became unbearable.

“Are you hearing this now?” he shouted, though I could heard him over that sound.

The sound of yet another loud blast of gas, so loud it was glitching the audio. It was long and proud, dry as some of his best rips, and it just wouldn’t stop. The boss I was fighting somehow felt how distracted I was and one-shotted me with a swipe of his flaming sword but I couldn’t even hear any in-game sound ‘cause my straight gassy bro was basically farting right into my ears, albeit indirectly.

I instinctively reached for the pitched tent between my legs as the fart kept going strong and loud, so loud in fact that I had to lower the volume ‘cause my hears were starting to hurt.

After a grand total of 18 seconds, I once again heard Dave putting his headphones back on his head, wondering whether they were radioactive or melting at this point, due to all that poisonous gas.

“I gotta say… the sound quality is pretty spot-on. What headset are you using?” I joked.

Dave chuckled. “The same as yours actually. Thanks for the advice.”

We kept chatting a bit more as if he wasn’t a gassy teasing bastard but since he *is* a gassy teasing bastard I once again heard him, with no warning nor request from me, removing his headphones again and putting them (I assume) closer to the source of his underwear-clad ass.

Unsurprisingly, yet another manly, loud rip blasted through my own headphones right into my eardrums, renewing the hard-on I had only moments before. It sounded like a motorcycle passing by and I could only imagine how badly the stench was in Dave’s room. Lasting around 11 seconds, this time it got dangerously wet-ish towards the end, which I found hilarious but also made me rightfully worried about my bro maybe going a bit too far even for both of our standards.

“Dude.” I said, laughing a bit “You might want to go easy. That sounded risky.”

Dave, being the chill guy he is, just laughed about it. “Don’t worry, dude. I’m an expert.” and he ripped a short toot that was so loud I could even hear it without the microphone going straight into his butt this time.

We then kept gaming a bit more on our own. Dying over and over to that same boss made me think about how chill Dave was being -as usual- about my kink. I mean don’t get me wrong he always farted a lot while voice chatting but this time it was different, as he was now aware of my fetish. And, as always, I really appreciated that, just as I appreciated yet another thunderous blast, one that actually startled me, making me lose YET AGAIN.

“FUCK!” I blurted.

As the fart kept going, Dave moved the microphone closer to his face (but I still could hear the fart going) just to laugh at my gaming skills, completely aware however that his farts were a huge distraction on its own. He then planted the microphone once again in front of his butt and the blast went loud and proud.

“It’s just too easy.” he then chuckled, after finishing ripping that monstrous fart.

It was. I had to pause the game for a couple of minutes to calm down, the tent between my legs going harder and harder. Was Dave aware of this part as well? Of course he was, but he didn’t care. It was just a game for him, and he was constantly proving me how much of a pro gamer he was.

I hope he never gets nerfed.

End of Episode 11