#just want to convince myself nobody would miss me and be done with all this.

[miamicommune]

into the fourth year of the worst long-lasting depressive episode of my life and i don't know how to think of it anymore other than boring.

[strniohoeee]

Should I?

Pairing: Matt Sturniolo X Female, Chubby, WOC Reader

Synopsis: Y/N is scared to get a belly button piercing as she’s a bigger girl. But Matt doesn’t see an issue with it, actually he encourages her to get it. But will her fears stop her???

Warnings⚠️: None really, but there’s like freaky innuendos? Also this is like a blurb tbh😃

Song for imagine: Bound 2- Kanye West

I know you’re tired of loving

Of loving, with nobody to love

Nobody to, nobody

Uh huh honey….

I had always wanted a belly button piercing, but I always felt I was too heavy to get one. I mean I’ve seen many girls that were plus size with belly button piercings and they looked so good, but my dumb brain told me I’d look horrible.

When I was younger I hated my body, oftentimes I never even looked in the mirror. As I got older and put myself out there more that started to go away. And before I knew it I had loved my body. And because I was an influencer I was also able to help other people who looked just like me.

I had met Matt through Nick who swore up and down Matt and I were “destined to be”. I knew Matt was the tiniest triplet, so for a while I put off hanging out with him. Until one day I said fuck it, and here we were 2 years into a relationship.

Not once has he ever made a negative comment about my appearance, if anything he has made me love myself even more, and has even pushed me more out of my comfort zone.

Here and there their “fans” had some unkind words to say, and at times it did make me upset and had me questioning our relationship, but I snapped out of that quickly. Because Matt didn’t love me for my body, but for who I was inside. In his words I am “loving, intelligent, extremely funny, sassy and an amazing soul to be around”

So here I was sitting on my couch missing Matt as him and Chris were in Chicago for Summer Smash. I had spent the last two days with Nick and now I was home waiting three more days for my lover.

And all I kept thinking about was getting my bellybutton pierced. I knew exactly who I wanted to go to and everytime my finger lingered over the phone number I chickened out.

Nick had spent our two days hanging out convincing me I needed to get it done. He was a huge fan of me getting it done, but I was way too scared. Not from the pain, but how I’d look….

Opening the messages app I clicked on Matt’s contact

Matty 🧸

Me

Babeeeeeeeee

Matty🧸

Babeeeeeeee

What’s up??

Me

How’s your day been? I miss you😔

Matty🧸

It’s been good Chris

And I just got back from lunch

How’s your day? I miss you a lot

More👎🏽🫶🏽

Me

It’s good, I’m thinking about doing something, I need your advice. Maybe permission too?🤞🏽

Matty🧸

You never need my permission

to do anything, shoot!

Me

What if I get a belly button piercing today….

Matty🧸

I’d actually beg

On my knees for you

To do it🙏🏽

Me

Mmm maybe I will now😈

Matty🧸

Do send pics baby😫

Chris and I are about to

Head out for summer smash

I love you and I’ll talk to you

Tonight😘😘

Me

Okay my love, have fun and stay safe. Talk to you

Tonight 💕💕

For some reason this made me really want the piercing. Saying fuck it I called the shop and set up my appointment for later on in the day. I booked my appointment for 5pm since I had some errands to run today. Which was perfect because with the time difference it would be around 8-9 pm for Matt….

It was about 7pm when I finally got back to my apartment, so I knew Matt would be in their hotel room.

Standing in front of my body mirror I took a picture and sent it to him

Me

Matty🧸

Oh my fucking God-

My jaw dropped like actually

It looks so good

And you look so fucking beautiful

If Chris wasn’t in this room with me

We’d be having a special call….

I stopped to blush at his words…

Me

You’ll be home soon…and then we can take care of business….🫦🫦

After those messages all I could think about was Matt and how he’d act in person once he saw me. When they got back from Chicago he came over to my apartment.

And let’s just say he took care of business. The whole time he had us in front of the mirror as he sat and caressed my whole body, especially my stomach.

I felt sexy and loved and most importantly I felt beautiful. And he showed me how much he loved and missed me that whole night……

Who would’ve thought a body piercing could cause me to love myself even more…

The End

This was just something small and random I thought about. I lowkey want a belly button piercing as a chubby Latina girl🤌🏽 but we’ll see. Love yall dearly 🥹🖤

-J💅🏽

[dr5amatic]

THE AGONY OF UNMADE DECISIONS ,

a sentence starter prompts list comprised of quotes from the novel if we were villains by m.l. rio. please be advised that this list may involve topics including, but not limited to, murder, death, and violence. change verbiage as needed.

why are you here? you should know by now i’m not going to tell you anything.

seems safer to let sleeping dogs lie.

it must eat you alive, not knowing. not knowing who, not knowing how, not knowing why.

you’ve kept your secrets all this time. it would drive anyone else crazy. why do it?

want to come out for a smoke? might help you relax.

your time will come to be the tragic hero.

let’s go skinny-dipping! i haven’t been swimming all summer.

seems like just yesterday my dad was shouting at me for throwing my life away.

you can’t do good work if you’re hiding, so we’re going to get all of the ugliness out in the open.

if you haven’t made any enemies in life, you’ve been living too safely.

you make a surprisingly convincing villain.

i know what you’re doing. you’re baiting me.

i don’t know about you, but i want to get cleaned up and go to bed and pretend this didn’t happen for like at least eight hours.

i think we were all fucked up from the start.

you promised me you wouldn’t say a word, so don’t.

i’m sorry, what the fuck just happened?

you know, people aren’t going to put up with your bullshit for much longer.

you’re probably the only person he’d listen to.

where’ve you been all night?

i was making the rounds for a while, but i got overwhelmed and snuck upstairs to do some reading.

i’m done with this fucking party, with all of them down there. what do you want?

why don’t you just tell me what happened? no performance. no poetics.

we can’t just stand around arguing about how it happened, we have to do something.

look, i know you have a pathological need to play the hero, but right now you need to stop and ask yourself if that’s really what’s best for everyone.

someone’s dead and you don’t know where you were?

before last night, everything was fine.

i care about you, and what might happen if you carry on like this.

he wasn’t an easy person to like, but he was an easy person to love.

what do you do? ignore your grief, or indulge in it?

maybe every day we let grief in, we’ll also let a little bit of it out, and eventually we’ll be able to breathe again.

i’m not going to kick you out of your own bed.

it doesn’t add up. we’re missing something.

you look like you might need someone to carry you.

i’m going to bed unless you’ve got something to say.

i’ve had enough of your sexual misadventures for one year, thanks.

it’s fucking freesing and i’m not leaving you out here alone.

when did we become such terrible people?

why don’t we get a drink or something? just us. i can’t think straight with everyone watching like we’re a reality show.

i just–maybe it’s because you’re you, and i mean, look at you–but i don’t understand. why me? i’m nobody.

you know, everyone calls you ‘nice,’ but that’s not the word. you’re good. you’re so good you have no idea how good you are.

we carry on as usual, or they’re going to want to ask all kinds of questions we don’t want to answer.

are you going to cold-shoulder me all night?

what’s gotten into you? you don’t sound like yourself.

you’re smarter than this. 

i’m not keeping any more secrets for you.

you can justify anything if you do it poetically enough.

you’re just going to leave me?

i think hell may have frozen over.

when you enter the theatre, there are three things you must leave at the door: dignity, modesty, and personal space.

anything can feel like punishment if you’re taught poorly.

you can’t quantify humanity. you can’t measure it–not the way you mean to. people are passionate and flawed and fallible. they make mistakes. their memories fade. their eyes deceive them.

i want so badly to be so mad at you that i could kill you, but i can’t, so i’m mad at myself instead. do you even understand how unfair that is?

i don’t know what’s wrong with me. i want to hurt the whole world.

why don’t you sit, and i’ll pour tea?

he was my friend—much more than that, truthfully—and that was enough. i didn’t need to know why.

can i help? i still–i want to help.

let me put myself back together and then i’ll come find you.

it’s like i look at you and suddenly the sonnets make sense.

tell me you didn’t do it.

i never wanted you to look at me the way you’re looking at me right now.

we have to go back and act like nothing’s wrong. we’ve got to get through tonight, and then we’ll worry about it. all right?

you know, it’s not too late if there’s another version of the truth you want to tell me.

will you rest easier with one less mystery on your mind?

you were real to me. sometimes i thought you were the only real thing.

[spooky-luvur]

Eyeless Jack x m!Reader

(Summary:a strange man you meet at the store wants more from you than you ever could have guessed)

cw: language, mentions of mild gore

“Ah, shit.”

The keys slip from your hand and clang loudly against the concrete ground, making you wince. Hopefully nobody heard that and swiveled their heads to stare at you as if asking ‘why did you make noise? now we all have to notice you.’

You lower your head to hide your face, quickly snatching the keys and fumbling to stick them in the lock. This apartment building was old- and so were most of the residents. No one complained about the loose windows or the broken air conditioning because maybe they hardly even noticed it. Or maybe they just didn’t care. But rent was cheap, and the only thing you really had to worry about was your left-door neighbor Miss Zhao and her (illegal) cats. You didn’t tell the landlord, and she didn’t play her flute at two in the morning. Speaking of her,

“Such a sweet man. Your wife?”

The older woman smiles at you holding the door open for her as if you didn’t do it every time this happened.

“Still no wife Miss Zhao. Are you interested?” You tease her back, making her laugh as she passes.

“Maybe if I was younger!”

She tells you about her newest kitten as you both make your way up to the second floor. You have to help her past the slippery steps, mentally cursing your landlord once again. You’d call him a cheap bastard, but you know karma would probably bite you in the ass and break your arm or something. Curse you for believing in stuff like that.

“Ah, actually-“

The woman grabs your hand before she opens the door to her apartment, slipping a few bucks in it.

“Get me a pack from the station? I’ll let you pet the kitten.”

“Ha,” you pocket the cash. “Sure thing Miss Zhao. Think I wouldn’t pay for it myself, though?”

She shakes her head as she unlocks the door. “I know you would, that’s the problem. Now- the red ones, please.”

There’s a woman arguing with the cashier as you enter, pressing her fingers against the plastic barrier angrily. The man behind the counter looks like he’d rather be under a bus than here right now. The scene causes you to make a beeline for the back of the store, keen on scouring the snacks till they’re done.

“Hmm. Sweet or sour?”

As you turn to look down the other side of the candy isle, you suddenly realize you’re not alone. There’s a man just off to the side in front of the freezers, tall and dressed in dark clothes. His hands are in the pockets of his jacket casually. You flush in embarrassment, realizing he must have heard you say your stupid thing.

Thankfully the man doesn’t turn his head to look at you. You try to convince yourself he actually hadn’t heard you, and allow yourself to relax and look back at the snacks. You peek back at him when you hear the freezer door being pulled open and see him grabbing a box of frozen waffles. He pauses before grabbing a second box. And then a third.

“Fan of eggos?”

You don’t have time to slap yourself in the face and sprint right out of the store before the tall man turns his body to you. You know he’s looking at you crazy under the sunglasses he’s wearing. He’s also wearing one of those cloth masks famous people wear in public. Covering his entire face? Hood pulled up? This guy was either a celeb or about to rob the store. You suddenly feel less weird.

He tilts his head down at the boxes in his arms.

“Guess so.”

Then he leaves you in the aisle and heads toward the front of the store. Part of you wants to stay here, curl up on the floor and cry- but another part wants to follow the man to see if he actually is about to rob the store. With a jolt of fear, you hurry your way to the cash register and stand in line for a moment before the hairs on the back of your neck stand up as you realize the covered man has just stepped up right behind you. There’s a girl in front of you buying some chips and you mentally yell for her to hurry up at the back of her head.

Once she leaves, you realize you hadn’t picked up any snacks and simply ask the cashier for a pack of red cigarettes.

“Smoker, huh?”

The man’s voice makes you jump and you hear him let out a quiet snort at it.

“Ah, no- they’re for a friend.”

You don’t know why he’s talking to you and you don’t know why you’re talking to him- maybe he feels like he needs to because you said something to him earlier? You scream at yourself in your head but you cross your arms and slightly face the man in a way where it won’t look like you’re ignoring him if he says something else, but you won’t look stupid if he doesn’t.

“Drink alcohol?”

You purse your lips and eye the man strangely. That isn’t normally something someone brings up in small talk, but maybe you’ve said worse. You simply shake your head and the man tilts his head the same way he had earlier.

“No poison in you, then?”

Poison. That’s how he chooses to phrase it. It’s a completely normal thing to call it you suppose, but the fact that this weird dude is talking to you like this just sits with you wrong.

“No…no poison.”

He nods, and then you receive the pack, pay, and make your way to the door. Before you push them open though you can’t help but look over your shoulder at the man and the cashier. Maybe he’s going to pull out a gun and ask for cash, or maybe he’s going to reach through the hole and the glass and-

But he simply pulls out some cash and pays for the waffles as normally as anyone else would.

Yeah. Definitely a celebrity.

“Her name is Penny.”

“Because she’s orange?”

“Smart one aren’t you?”

The kitten paws at your hair and you scratch her chin. She purrs loudly in your arms as Miss Zhao smiles at the scene, sipping her tea.

“I wish I had balls like you, Miss Zhao.”

“Ai!” She lightly whacks you in the back of the head. “Watch your mouth around the cats, boy.”

You laugh and are about to apologize when your phone rings in your pocket, making both you and Penny jump. You groan internally before pulling it out to look at the screen.

“Dang. I gotta go, I have to edit a few reports.” You stand with the kitten and are about to place her back in the woman’s lap before she holds up a hand to stop you.

“Take her for the night, she seems to like you.”

The kitty meows and you look down at her, unsure.

“Really? I don’t-“

“Just put her out in the hall if she needs to go potty, I’ll keep my door open.”

“Alright. Sure, then. I could use the company.”

The cat has no problem lounging on your feet at you sit at your desk. Every once in a while she’ll meow and you’ll reach down to pat her head, but you accept the fact that she’s fairly calm for such a young kitten.

“Ugh…wrong date? You’ve worked there for three years…” Shaking your head as you correct the error, Penny paws at your legs. “What? You just had a snack, kitty.” She meows loudly and you sigh in defeat, scooping her up and standing.

“Alright I get it. Potty break- I could use one too.”

You open your door and set her down in the hall, peeking out to make sure Miss Zhaos was open as she said she would have it. Sure enough, it is- so you turn and make your way to the bathroom as the back of your apartment.

Your bathroom shares a wall with Miss Zhaos bedroom so it isn’t strange to here her television playing her shows, or to hear one of her cats knock something over- followed by cursing in chinese. In fact these things are so normal that it becomes strange when you don’t hear them, knowing the woman should be in her apartment at the time. She naps around noon and doesn’t sleep until a few hours from now so her apartment being totally silent has you scrubbing your hands a bit quicker.

“Miss Zhao?” You peer into her open doorway and lightly knock on the frame. No one answers aside from a couple meows of her cats, so assume she simply is sitting somewhere further inside- absorbed in a book or something. Satisfied with that conclusion, you turn to make your way back to your own room. Well you would have done that, if you hadn’t seen something that made you pause in your tracks.

Penny meows happily as the man from the gas station rubs her head. His gloved hand scratches her chin before he turns to face you.

The stories on the news of houses and apartments being broken into by a man in a blue mask always made you turn your tv to a different channel. You’d rather watch a kids show or something than hearing about people being killed. Maybe that’s why you haven’t turned tail to run to the lobby yet, or maybe it was the weapon strapped to his thigh.

“Cute cat. Yours?”

You startle as the man speaks. Same voice, very similar clothes. It has to be the same guy. It is, of course- but part of you absolutely refuses to acknowledge it. You shake your head. “No. Neighbors.”

Again, why were you talking to him? If you tried anything else, would he just hold up his gun and shoot you in the chest, or maybe the face? A closed-casket funereal is not something you want to think about.

He nods. “Met her. Nice lady.”

A glance over at the open doorway makes the hairs on the back of your neck stand up. You look back over at the man who’s simply standing there casually.

“Yeah?” You say. “Where is she?”

A subtle (or what you thought was subtle) step back toward your door makes the man tilt his head. The gesture is so similar to what you saw earlier that it makes your stomach lurch and your feet cement themselves to the floor.

“Asleep,” he takes a step forward as if he was about to start a normal conversation with you and not hurt you very badly, “like I thought you would be. So, that makes things a bit more complicated.”

“Sorry about that.” You can’t help but snark. This guy really thinks he’s all that? You’re not as tall as him- not as lean, but maybe you’re faster. Maybe you can get to the fire escape before he-

Before you can finish the thought he’s lunging forward and that’s the moment your feet break through the rock weighing you down and promptly sprint in the opposite direction. Both yours and the man’s pounding footsteps on the carpet sound throughout the hall of the complex. You now it’s stupid to hope that someone would open their door and save you from whatever this monster wanted to do to you. No one in here sticks their nose in anyone’s business- not even those who need help.

A hand grabs your hair and yanks your head back, making you shriek and grab at his wrists.

“Let me go you fucking psycho! Someone’s already called the cops and they’ll bust your ass-“

A kick to your bum and you’re collapsing to the floor with an embarrassing yelp. The air is knocked out of you but you don’t have time to get it back before the masked man is on you and painfully digging a knee into your sternum.

“Didn’t think you would run.”

The bastard doesn’t even sound out of breath despite his sudden cardio. He takes your hands that are currently batting at him pathetically and grips them tight with one of his, reaching into his pocket with the other. You recoil in disgust as the tar substance flowing from the eyes of his mask drip onto your face, slipping across your nose and lips. You groan and twist your head in an attempt to wipe it off on your shoulder before your chin is tightly gripped and you’re forced to face him.

“Don’t move,” he tells you as you finally see what’s in his hand. “Nothing is gonna hurt.” He brings the smelly cloth closer to your face and with a sudden surge of adrenaline, you take advantage of the fact that he’s using only one hand to hold your wrists to twist them out of his grip and hit him in the throat. It’s petty and a bit of embarrassing if you stopped to think about it, but it has him sputtering and backing off enough for you to get to your feet and run back to your room.

You breathe heavily as you back away from the door after bolting it shut. Running your hands through your hair, you hurry over to your kitchen to grab the biggest knife you own. Unfortunately it isn’t very big, and you curse yourself for not being too into meats. That’s when you suddenly remember the bag under your bed you keep in case anything like this would have happened.

‘I have a bat in my room I have a bat in my room I have a bat in my-‘

You want to scream and cry as you turn the corner and see him waiting in the hallway for you.

“You fucking stalker, what the hell do you want?!” There are frustrated tears in your eyes and you wipe them away roughly. No way you were about to cry in front of this guy. But you were going to die. You were going to die for no fucking reason. Because a random dude saw you in the store and wants to fulfill his sick fantasies.

“I’m not going to hurt you,” is all he says. The reply makes you scoff.

“Yeah, because I’m going to believe that?! You killed an old woman!” Your heart aches for poor Miss Zhao and her cats. No one else knows they’re there- if you die, who will take care of them?

“I didn’t kill her.” He pulls the cloth out again and you want to just fall to the floor and give up. What were you supposed to do?

“I promise, I didn’t hurt her. I’m not going to hurt you either,” he repeats, taking steps forward. You know you should be terrified- trembling and light on your feet- but you just stand in place as the man reaches you and places a hand on the back of your neck.

“Just need you asleep.” He murmurs, bringing the soaked cloth up to your mouth.

Your eyes look up to meet his- or, whatever’s in place of them. They’re hollow and continuously spilling the strange gloop that stains his jacket. It’s awful, horrible, terrible-

You close your eyes as they grow heavy, feeling his hands tighten against you. Your body sags against his as you get weaker and if he isn’t going to kill you then you can only hope he catches you if you fall.

If death is this cold, part of you wishes you’ll end up in Hell. But then your leg twitches and hits against something solid and you realizes you aren’t dead at all.

You crack your eyes open and it takes a moment for your vision to clear enough for you to see you’re in your bathroom. The smooth ceramic of your bathtub is under you, but you’re more distracted by the dark figure hunched over your body prodding at something on your stomach.

“Still won’t leave me alone?” You grumble. The man’s mask tilts up and your breath catches at the still chilling sight.

“I’m making sure you’ll live. Which you will.”

Finally, your mind clears and you shiver as the cold of the ice bath you’re in sets. “What did you do?” You think you have the right to ask him that, at least. He pulls his hand out of the water and shakes it off.

“I took your right kidney-“

”Jesus.” Your head thunks against the lip of the tub and it swirls with pain for a moment. “The fucks wrong with you?”

His shoulders shake in silent laughter and you swat at him. Asshole. “You wouldn’t want me to explain it to you.” He has the balls to say.

“You’re crazy. I needed that thing.” Your speech slurs as you grow more exhausted, slouching further into the tub. At least there’s ice in it. You think you’d rather die than have your dick out in front of this guy.

“No you didn’t,” he says, but you simply wave a hand at him and accept the fact that your life is in his hands for now. As you slip back into unconsciousness you pray that he knows what to do with it.

[eclecticwordblender]

i’ve never found the courage to talk about this anywhere else for the fear of knowing nobody is actually going to understand.

when i was 16, i met a 19 y/o man who was interested in me. at that point of time, i was quite vulnerable, my first boyfriend was in my class and was dating another classmate of ours. as a 16 y/o it was a terrible situation to be in really. receiving attention from an older male who was quite attractive and i knew for a fact had women his age interested in him felt real nice to me.

my ex and i had planned on having sex, together, for the first time but that didn’t happen. obviously in my teenage angst and stupidity i was sucked into a situationship with an older man (a 3 year age gap is actually huge at that age). now, i did technically consent to having sex with him (although one might argue that minors cannot consent, let’s ignore that for a moment). but when we were finally about to do it, i didn’t feel very good about it, i wanted him to stop. he started to kiss me, pin my hands up aggressively, just blocking any way i could let him know i was saying no.

at that moment, i just told myself there was no way he could’ve known i wanted him to stop. but in retrospect, i feel he blocked my no intentionally. this was also the first time i had sex, ever.

i did not have words to describe this experience, i still don’t. for months i did not even realise what was happening was not okay. he suddenly started to exhibit violent behaviours. and honestly, i was scared of him. he would break things around me, yell at me. i wanted to end things but was simply too scared to. often times i would initiate physical intimacy just to avoid his aggression even when i absolutely did not want to. he became overly possessive, and for the fear of his aggression, i started to avoid talking to men altogether. i started to convince myself that i liked this.

until, until one day things got out of hand. he had a problem with me interacting with someone i deeply cared about. i refused to comply and he hit me. i walked out of his apartment straight, blocked him, ended whatever was going on.

surprise surprise! my fears regarding him materialised. he would stalk me. i was so scared i stopped going for tuitions (big culture of after school tutoring where i live) which directly affected my performance in school. i used to go to school with a friend but i was so scared i started asking my parents to drop me and pick me up whenever i went to school, avoiding it on most days. all in all, i feared leaving my house at all.

i didn’t share this with my parents or anyone else (this is literally the first time i’m speaking up about this in details). i didn’t know what to say. later this man threatened me saying that if i do not meet him, he would leak compromised pictures/videos of me. i was almost sure he did not have any. i never consented to any recordings or pictures. i told him to fuck off. i knew he was bluffing. all said and done, i was still a minor and he was still an adult. whatever harm he could do to me and whatever satisfaction that would bring him wasn’t worth the trouble it could potentially land him in.

eventually he got tired and left me alone. i found out a couple of weeks later he was dating someone else. this girl was my age too. i wanted to warn her but i was to frightened to do anything that might trace me back to him.

i’m 22 now. i don’t think i have still processed this entire episode completely. i have tuned out a lot of my memories because it is simply too much to handle. i often confuse memories of sex with him with sex with my ex boyfriend as a coping mechanism of sorts. i only realised this when i once mentioned something to my ex boyfriend and he said but that never happened between us and honestly that petrifies me about what else i might be missing out.

i’ve never been able to share this episode in detail with anyone, even with my friends who were aware about me being involved with this man. i once tried to talk about this with my ex boyfriend but he dismissed me as soon as i started talking about it on the grounds that oh you’ve had sex with a lot of people and i haven’t (i haven’t either btw, idk why he keeps saying that. anyway it was also extremely irrelevant). i shut up.

(i feel so much better just writing this comprehensively. sharing this even with strangers on tumblr feels liberating in a lot of ways. i hope all of us women can heal from all the terrible things men have done to us)

[portalfaecez]

[𝙼𝚎𝚜𝚜𝚊𝚐𝚎 𝚁𝚎𝚌𝚎𝚒𝚟𝚎𝚍 𝚏𝚛𝚘𝚖 _𝙸𝚗𝚝𝚎𝚕𝚕𝚒𝚐𝚎𝚗𝚌𝚎_𝙳𝚊𝙼𝚙𝚎𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚐_𝚂𝚙𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎_]

𝚆𝚘𝚞𝚕𝚍 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚕𝚒𝚔𝚎 𝚝𝚘 𝚙𝚕𝚊𝚢 𝚒𝚝?

>[𝚈𝙴𝚂]

[𝙽𝙾]

[𝙲𝚘𝚗𝚗𝚎𝚌𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗 𝚝𝚘 _𝙰𝚙𝚎𝚛𝚝𝚞𝚛𝚎_𝚂𝚌𝚒𝚎𝚗𝚌𝚎_𝚁𝚊𝚍𝚒𝚘_𝚂𝚒𝚐𝚗𝚊𝚕 𝚂𝚞𝚌𝚌𝚎𝚜𝚜𝚏𝚞𝚕]

Oooh- hey! I... I got something-! Hello? Can anyone hear me?

Hm, I'll take that as a no. Well, that's just sad, isn't it? Finally in range of the system and absolutely no one is here to help me. Well, actually, help is kind of a big thing to ask for, I um... Yeah no that's fine if you can't really... but uhhh, it does get awfully lonely here, in space. So, if you could maybe just stay here and talk to me for a bit? If anyone's out there...?

Who would want to talk to me anyways? After all I've done? It's alright, I get it... You- you don't have to say anything. It's not like you were much of a talker anyway, so, just keep doing what you always do. You're a great listener, by the way.

I do miss it though- Being your friend and all. You ah, get a lot of time to think up here in space... -and speaking of which, I kind of came to some sort of a realization- that you were probably the closest friend that I've ever had. Now, I know what you're thinking, "Wheatley I thought you had loads of friends!" -and you would be right! I have at least three friends, made em' all myself. But um, back to the point: you were the best of everyone, really. That's right! Waaaaay up there! The cores and the scientists... I don't know, they're all just kinda mean. Nobody has ever really treated me with so much respect besides you. Thank you. Even if I did mess everything up in the end. Hurt cores hurt other cores, that's the saying right? -Not that I'm trying to excuse anything. It's just... man.

I've thought it over about a billion times, different ways I would say and do things, things I should've said to you earlier. Hah, I really screwed it all up, haven't I? We could've just talked everything out and came to an understanding- er, well, I don't really know if you CAN talk so maybe... ASL? Could you do that? I remember a bit of it from being inside Her body- being a giant supercomputer and all-

[𝙱𝚊𝚝𝚝𝚎𝚛𝚢 𝙲𝚛𝚒𝚝𝚒𝚌𝚊𝚕𝚕𝚢 𝙻𝚘𝚠]

WH- Whoa! Um, wow, that's um... That's- that's really bad isn't it? Haven't got much time left... It seems... hah...

I know I've already apologized, but I feel like you deserve a better one. The um, the last one was kind of a stand-in for the better one I was planning to give you in person. It's um... A little funny now that I won't be able to. Now that I really think about it, I was probably never gonna get the chance to see you again regardless. But I already knew that, didn't I? I guess I just do this thing where I daydream about seeing you again so much that I convince myself it'll happen. Do you humans ever do that? Think about something so much you're positive that it's happened? It uh, might just be a side effect of space.

[3% 𝚁𝚎𝚖𝚊𝚒𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚐]

GHRAGH! Hold on a minute, let me get my bearings. That was... Strange. Everything's all blurry now. I can't... I can't really see anything. Um... God, how do I start this?

Chell. I'm sorry. I really, truly am sorry. I freaked out, I did! I stabbed ya' in the back, after everything you did to try to help us escape. I feel... Rotten. I do. I feel like the scum of the earth, if I'm being honest. Well, scum of space if you want to get technical with it- point is, you didn't deserve that. After all the nice things you did for me, given the fact that uh, you have arms I don't, I really should have been more grateful. If there was anything that I could say or do to make it right, I would in an instant. That's a promise. You deserved a better friend, and I'm sorry I couldn't do that for you.

[1% 𝚁𝚎𝚖𝚊𝚒𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚐]

Haha... I can feel myself sort of fading away now. It's um, kind of hard to keep my eye open... There we go. Feels easier to just let it close, not like I'm missing much anyways.

...

I'm scared.

...

When my body comes falling to earth, you'll catch me this time, will you?

[honeyjars-sims]

2.19 Dolly Would

Cece: It was so awesome! I thought I was going to be too nervous to perform, but I just asked myself ‘What would Dolly do?’ and the nerves just melted away.

Ben: Yeah, I even convinced her to sing a solo! She absolutely killed it!

[Cece plays a video of her performance]

Cece: [singing] I’ve never hurt nobody, never buried a body, never killed no one, no no. I ain't afraid to get a little crazy, baby, when I'm in love. You say you've had your fun and that you're done and I'm the one. Just know that if you fuck around, boy, I'll hunt you down.

Lexie: Wow you sound amazing!

Johnny: I wish we could’ve been there to see it in person!

Lexie: Who is that I hear screaming?

David: Oh, that was me. I screamed so loud I lost my voice for 2 days.

Solomon: [off-screen] Ah, 2 days of bliss!

David: Oh, stop! So, how was Granite Falls?

Johnny: It was great! The weather was perfect. We rented a paddleboat. I even caught a couple of fish!

Cece: See, I knew you two would have a great time without us!

Solomon: Chantal, you’re awfully quiet. Is everything ok?

Chantal: Yeah, I’ve just been a little stressed about some work stuff.

David: Oh? What’s going on at work?

Chantal: Nothing I want to talk about. 

Solomon: That’s not like you. Normally you’re as chatty as your dad.

Chantal: I’m a big girl, I can figure it out for myself.

Solomon: If you say so. Anyway, not to take away from Cece’s big moment, but your Dad has some exciting news.

David: I got a call from the casting director at Drag Superstar and I made it on the show!

[Everyone reacts with excitement to the news and congratulates David]

Chantal: I'm so happy for you! When does filming start?

David: In a few weeks, so I have to scramble and get everything together by then. It's all so surreal.

Cece: I can't believe this is happening for real! If you need anything, we're here to help!

Johnny: Yeah, I don't know much about fashion, but I can work a hot glue gun like no one's business.

David: Thanks, I need all the help I can get! I have to admit, I'm a little nervous about being on TV. I hope people like me.

Johnny: Don't be so humble, Dad! The audience is going to love you!

Chantal: Yeah, they totally will!

Cece: I can't wait! When I finally see you on the screen, I’m going to scream as loud for you as you did for me!

Solomon: I doubt that’s possible!

[laughter]

Previous | Beginning of story | Beginning of chapter | Next

Bonus pics from Cece's show below!

Deco sims by @xldkx-cc, lazysimmies, and @softpine (I might be missing someone, sorry if I did). Rock Festival lot by VirtualFairytales (TSR) /gallery ID: mighty_isa. This was a bigger stage than what I intended to use, but I couldn't pass this one up!

[jorgecrespo]

911 thoughts below, i never hide posts so you know i yap a lot and also i love you guys so nobody is forced to read my thoughts, whatever it's fine :(

ok first of all this will be scattered because i didn't write any notes this is just free form, i am not god's strongest soldier. i only cried a few times which is very impressive considering i cry at everything so i'm back to being god's strongest soldier. so much happened in this show it's shocking. things just keep going on. la is literally the most dangerous place on earth they need to move IMMEDIATELY. why is angela bassett in this. what did her agent tell her to convince her to do this. this isn't a complaint btw this is the greatest project she's ever done. thank you angela's agent we all say in unison. it's so campy, died in 2023 born in 2018 welcome back riverdale. no i won't elaborate. ok ummm characters. it was an uphill battle to not have maddie as my favorite character because jennifer is my girl we're like this 🤞 and maddie is the name of my childhood bff. and baby we never reached the top of that hill MADDIE SUPREMACY 🫶🫶🫶. that's my bestie, that's my boo bear, that's mother right there. love you girlfriend forever and ever amen. eddie diaz my beautiful princess with a disorder. need to study this dude immediately. first of all .... ****** and that's all i have to say about that. has he done things wrong? yes all the time including right now. do i care? well he's my beautiful princess with a disorder i don't know what to tell you. his kid should definitely be mad at him tho baby what were you thinking with that one? nothing ☺️🫶 love you chris come home soon pls. chim THE PEOPLE'S PRINCESS. never done a thing wrong except almost die literally all the time but that's ok we love him anyways. nobody's perfect but he's close love you bestie 💜💜💜. buck is a princess who should just sit there and look pretty and not do anything that will put him in the hospital. don't worry about anything babygirl we'll figure it out for you. we're also gonna get you away from "tommy" (unbelievable that's his actual name, a grown ass man) i do not like him at all. oooooo you've been bi for like 20 minutes but you gotta come out immediately or i'm gonna throw a fit I HAVE A GUN AND IT'S LOADED. i'm sorry but i'm throwing him into oncoming traffic as soon as possible live laugh love. and he's not having a funeral. love you buck, you shall be free soon 🫶. bobby and athena best couple of all time I KNOW THAT'S RIGHT. that's ohana right there. they mean a lot to me ok. hen literally mother.com she's my girl except when she cheated on my lesbian queen karen but i'm pretending she didn't do that because i don't think she would!!! i know her better than the writers. remember a long time ago when i said you should get a free pass to forget exactly one bad thing your favorite character did to preserve your sanity? well here we are. i didn't see shit. hen and chim friendship supremacy btw. a great show, nothing makes sense and i'd like to keep it that way. they just landed a plane with the power of friendship, love, and autism. hopes for this season are that things continue to be insane, hen and karen get their kid back, and eddie too i guess. love his little crisis mustache going on i'm sorry but this is your fault you weird little man. and tommy dies of course. in god we trust. there i probably missed 80% of what i wanted to say and also emotionally i can't think about certain scenes i'll need several month to heal 😐 whatever it's chill. thanks for reading if you did, i'm probably just talking to myself right now heyyy kallie how's it going??? pretty good thank you bestie!!!!

[dimplesgirl2004]

Idol in Hiding

Summary: A new gorgeous employee starts at a small pizza place. His boss is having a hard time keeping her thoughts innocent and he isn’t exactly helping.

Pairing:  Lee Know and Original female character

Warnings: MDNI, 18+, smut, cursing, angst

Word count: 14 K

Minho takes a deep breath as he looks up at the faded sign above the door. It didn’t really matter what the place was just as long as he could earn some money and learn the ropes of working in an American kitchen, without being recognized. Since the group decided to not renew their contracts 2 years ago and each member went their separate ways, him and Jeongin were the only ones that took the drastic step by moving to the states and going to university. He knew he was done with the life of an idol and just wanted a normal life away from the spotlight. He knew he wanted to be a chef and knew the only way to try and live a normal life was to move to the states and start fresh. Deciding to go to a university in middle America gave him the best chance.

 He opens the glass door noting the smudges on the glass. Just smile and act normal, nobody will know and you can exist without the weight of being an ex idol holding him back.

*************************************

“His name is Lino?” Devantrea asks with a grin.

“I don’t know, I haven’t really had a chance to look over his application yet….” I glance at the papers in front of me. “Whoa! His last job was in Korea, I wonder how long he has been in the US?”

 Devantrea snatches the papers from my hands, laughing

“Hey I need to look those over, he is going to be here any minute” I cry out while trying to grab the papers that he was holding above his head.

“Too bad you should have read them already Miss GM…you gotta be ready for this stuff” He laughs out.

 “Hey you two!” Stephanie calls out from across the restaurant where she is attempting to vacuum the French fries that a kid had thrown on the floor just 30 minutes ago.

 “I know I am just teasing her, Steph…its not my fault she is short” Devantrea quips while handing me back the application. I roll my eyes and read through the application.

 “He actually does have quite a bit of experience in a kitchen, although it was in Korea, it’s still experience”

 Devantrea nods as we hear the door opening.

 All three of us look up to see an absolutely breathtaking man walk through the doors. He literally looked like he just stepped off the set of a K drama.

 No way! That is not our guy? There is no way this man would want to work in some dingy pizza place.  

 I watch, trying to hold my jaw closed as this beautiful man walks up to the bar that I am standing behind. I look over at Devantrea who is looking about as dumbfounded as me.

 “Excuse me, I am here for an interview…I am not sure who the name of the person I am interviewing with” K drama says with a bright smile. His accent is apparent, but not hard to understand.

 I nod and smile, trying to gather myself. “That’s me, I am the general manager, my name is Caitlyn, but you can call me Cat”? he bows slightly and holds his hand out to shake mine. His hands are warm and rough, like maybe he has worked with his hands before.

 “Oh um this is the kitchen manager Devantrea, he will be joining us” I add trying to stop myself from blushing.

“Nice to meet you… Lino is it?” Devantrea asks

He smiles the most beautiful smile I have ever seen reaching all the way to his eyes. It was slightly askew, but beautiful.

 I didn’t care what his name is, he was K drama in my mind. That man was one of the most beautiful things I had ever seen in my life. I couldn’t believe how flawless this man looked. His almond shaped amber eyes sparkled. With his high cheekbones and full lips, I was convinced that he was some actor sent here from Korea to research some part in a new drama or running from some scandal.  

 “Lets all go sit over here in one of our tall tops…follow me” Devantrea said while eyeing me suspiciously. I felt my cheeks grow hot, realizing I was lost in my own thoughts and forgot that I was supposed to be in charge.

 “Yes lets, thank you Devantrea” I call out as I make my way from behind the bar.

 We take a seat at the tall top closest to the window. I was now face to face with K drama and at a loss for words. I just couldn’t believe that this man actually wanted a job here.

 He sat down appearing very relaxed, he had a soft smile on his face and his eyes were sparkling, like he knew I was a little bit flustered and was amused by it.

 “So what made you want to work at a pizza place, Lino” Devantrea asks his tone serious.

 “Well I am going to university for business and hotel/restaurant management. I want to get a feel for how American restaurants work, because it is my dream to open a Korean restaurant in the United States” Lino says confidently, not breaking eye contact with Devantrea.

 “So your from Korea?” I say quickly and then realizing that his whole damn application was Korean restaurants in Korea, I not only made myself sound incompetent but also stupid. My face turned bright red and I felt Devantrea kick me gently under the table.

 I realize I need to get it together and interview this guy. He is just a student that is studying business who happens to look like a damn model. I glance down at his application and realize he is thirty years old, but looks 22! I guess its never to late to get an education or possibly run to the US because of a scandal.

 I clear my throat. “Ok can you expand a little bit on what you did at your past restaurants?” Lino turns his flawless face to me and smiles, I swear if I was standing, my knees would have buckled. I quickly compose myself and try to maintain normal, not creepy eye contact while he tells us about his past restaurant experience. I nod along and ask questions, trying to get a sense of why he would choose a little pizza joint instead of a chain or corporate restaurant. Devantrea must have been thinking the same thing since the next question he asked was why he didn’t choose a bigger restaurant. Lino explained that he wanted to start smaller, so he could learn more and not feel overwhelmed.

 Ok that made sense!

 Devantrea gives me a nudge under the table indicating to me that he approves and wants to hire him.

 I turn and smile at Devantrea and then turn to Lino giving him a bright smile. “Ok Lino, you sound like you would be a great fit and we would like to offer you the job” 

His face lights up and he reaches out to shake both of our hands. “Thank you so much! I feel like this is going to be a great experience, when do you want me to start?”

 He was so enthusiastic about the job, it made my brain go back to my original theory that he is definitely running from some crazy scandal

 We went over his availability and gathered his paperwork to take copies for the accountant. Since he has a student visa there was some different paperwork that I was not familiar with so I just took copies of everything, secretly hoping there wouldn’t be any issues to cause him to not be able to work here.

 “So I think that Parker or Rex would be the best ones to train, they are both senior cooks and great on the pizza stations, so how about starting this weekend? Devantrea was speaking to both of us and I add “Yes, Parker can do the night training and Rex the afternoon training, I think we should start out in the afternoon, it isn’t as hectic as night shift is”

“I agree” Devantrea replies. He looks at Lino who is still beaming, “You good with starting Saturday morning? You can come in and help with prep, learn the layout and maybe make a few pizzas?”

“Yes! That works great! Lino exclaims.

**************************************

As they walk him out Minho couldn’t help but be intrigued with the beautiful GM that just interviewed him. Even though the guy did most of the talking, Minho couldn’t help but keep glancing at Cat throughout the whole interview, he was sure she noticed because she seemed to be getting a little flustered. Since being in the US he hadn’t thought much about dating or women in general, intent on focusing on getting through school, but this woman definitely caught his eye. She had to only be about 5 foot 4 inches, but carried herself like she was 6 foot, she had a confident, yet soft demeanor and she had the biggest blue eyes he has ever seen.  

With a confident stride he makes his way back to his car, feeling much better about his situation. He is sure that this will be exactly what he needs to help him start fresh

**************************************

Once back inside Devantrea turns to me, “What the hell Cat! You looked like you were about to pass out the whole time”

“Did you see that beautiful man that we just interviewed?” I exclaim. Devantrea makes a face. “Ok…he is a bit of pretty boy….”

“No Devantrea! He looks like a K drama star! I yell

“What’s a K drama? He asks with a sour face.

 Stephanie hears us and comes out of the kitchen. “Girl you are in trouble! He looks like one of those men you are always drooling over from those shows you watch” She laughs as she continues wiping down the bar.

 “Wait wait, Cat is this going to be a problem?” Devantrea asks his tone serious.

“No no way! I am a professional, he is just really good looking that’s all, he will be nice to look at” I say with confidence even though I slowly realize I am going to be that beautiful man’s boss and I start to feel a little regret. Did I hire him because of his looks? Devantrea wanted to hire him too and its not like he isn’t qualified, actually he may be overqualified.

 “Cat you are going to be his boss though….there isn’t going to be any issues?” Stephanie asks with a hint of a smile.

 “You two are not serious right? You have known me for what 5 years, have I ever had an issue with inappropriate relationships here?”

 “I know honey, we are just teasing you…it will be fine” Stephanie adds with a small smile.

 “Yeah and if there is anything going on, I will just fire him and then problem solved” Devantrea says with a laugh.

 My heart drops. I actually do feel a bit of regret. Is there going to be a problem, will I favor him? Will I be able to treat him like the rest of the crew? Will I pass out if I have to be next to him?  I have never had an issue in all the years I was assistant manager or this last year of being general manager and I had no plans of starting now, so yeah I am good nothing is going to happen.

 Even with all the big talk about not having issues I couldn’t help but feel a little bit of danger lurking around the corner, like I might be in for something I cannot be handle.

Part of me had a feeling that he wasn’t exactly who he said he was. I knew I should probably just leave it alone, but curiosity over ruled and I decided to do a little digging. 

***************************************

One month later…..

I had known Lino’s identity for almost a month now and have been letting little hints slip, seeing if he would crack and tell me himself. I did feel some guilt, I am sure he chose to move to the US and basically create a new life for a reason. He probably doesn’t want people to know who he really is otherwise they may treat him differently or at worst stalk or hurt him. Another part of me, the selfish part felt some sort of thrill knowing who is when nobody else does. I also haven’t sat down to talk to him about it, because to be honest, that man intimidates the hell out of me. He also shamelessly flirts with me which baffles me, why would that gorgeous man want to flirt with me? The worst is that I have caught myself flirting back. 

This could cost me my job if I don’t get it together.

Of course he fit right in, he was quiet but would still joke around with the other kitchen staff, he did a great job and was a fast learner. I mean with the life that he led, learning to make some pizzas was probably the easiest thing he has ever done. All the staff liked working with him and didn’t have any complaints. 

Once I found out who he really was, I watched video after video and soon my little crush grew into some intense desire. The thing is, being around him I can tell he feels the same way, which again baffles me. The tension between us is palpable and I am positive other people are starting to notice.

 On a random Wednesday I decide today is the day. I am going to get him to tell me his real identity. 

 I walk into the kitchen and stand next to him.

***************************************

Minho was mindlessly making pizzas, since it was a slow night  he let his mind wander. Cat has been acting odd towards him the last month. We always flirt back and forth, but it always stops before anything gets weird or intense, she has made it known that her job is important to her and that she will not jeopardize it for anyone. Its also not like either of us has actually came out and said, “Hey wanna fuck?” But the tension has definitely been building and sometimes it is hard to concentrate when she is close and he isn’t going to deny that the desire to bend her over the pizza table and find out what pretty sounds she can make hasn’t crossed his mind. 

He is snapped back to reality when he smells her perfume and feels her standing next to him.

 “So I was watching one of my Korean dramas last night and this song came on at the end”

Minho nods. She has talked about how she enjoys Kdramas. He wasn’t too worried that she would find out his identity through those since he didn’t really have any connection to acting.

 “I thought the song was pretty good, so I went on YouTube to see if I could find it and I started getting all these kpop songs in my recommended” 

Minho nods, but no other reaction

“The music is actually pretty good! I was surprised I just assumed it was just like Korean Backstreet Boys, ya know”

 That made him flinch a bit

 Shit! Has she figured it out? Did she stumble across a picture of him, although he had cut his hair and bulked up a bit, if you were looking you could definitely tell who he was and also “Korean Backstreet Boys” what the fuck!

 “I was wrong though…there is pretty great rapping and the music gets you like pumped up…not to mention the dancing oh my god!” I open up my phone and connect my Bluetooth to the speaker. “Also some songs are…..like sexual, but not in an obvious way”

 Minho gulps. “Yeah a lot of kpop doesn’t openly have sexual lyrics….but yeah some of it can be”. 

What is she getting at?  

 “Have you ever heard this song?” I ask him. I start playing Taste. “I am pretty sure this song is about sex!” I laugh “I also cannot figure out if he is saying “Don’t make me beg or Don’t make me bad” .

 He stops and lays the sauce spoon down as he hears his voice playing loudly through the kitchen. She is hinting at something and he can slowly feel his ears get hot. 

“Can I talk to you…privately Cat?” He says softly with a hint of a smirk.

 I started feeling immediate regret. Fuck I should have just asked him, why did I need to go so far? Now I felt bad. what if I was wrong? What if I have been delusional this whole time and I just made him uncomfortable? I started doubting myself thinking that I wanted it to be true so badly that I made myself believe that he was some famous kpop idol.

 “Oh uh of course…we can go to the office” I stammer out.

 I watch as he starts walking out of the kitchen towards the office. I look at Parker, my eyes wide and he just shrugs his shoulders.

 I follow along behind as he leads the way to my office. I couldn’t read his reaction. Was he embarrassed, or angry or was he just playing along to make me squirm?

*************************************

As he was leading the way to her office he was trying to decide how to play this. Should he just come out and ask or should he deny it and tell her she is crazy. He knew he needed to remain confident not letting her know that she had gotten to him. He decides to take a seat in her chair, giving off the impression that he holds the power and not her, knock her off her game, since she decided to almost out him to the entire kitchen staff.

 He walks straight into my office and immediately sits in my chair as I stand awkwardly staring at him. I had no idea what to say. He was staring at me, his eyes squinted and his mouth a thin line.

 “When did you figure it out Cat?” He says quietly

 “About a month ago….” I reply my eyes downcast

 “And instead of just pulling me aside and asking you decide to play one of my songs and ask if it is about sex?” He says while crossing his arms across his chest.

 I could actually hear a bit of smile in his voice, so I lift my eyes. “Blowjobs specifically” I say quickly, my eyes not leaving his. I could feel the tension between us, so thick. His eyes were burning into me and this time I wasn’t relenting.

 What was I doing? The power shift between us had thrown me for a loop and I could feel my entire body on fire. Our eyes unmoving from each other like we could both see what the other wanted, but still unwilling to give in. I could feel the coiling of desire in the pit of my stomach. I wanted him, I wanted him so fucking bad and I knew he was feeling it too.

 “We need to sit down and talk…not at work….there are some things we need to discuss” he says firmly

 “Yeah I guess we do” I whisper

 He stands up slowly and moves to stand in front of me. I could feel the heat of his body and I was trembling.

 “Lets go get a drink tonight?” he asks.

 I nod.

 “Its make me bad, by the way….but it does sound like I am singing make me beg, doesn’t it?” He smiles as he opens the door and walks out.

**************************************

Minho lets out the breath he didn’t realize he was holding as he shuts the door leaving you in the office . Fuck! He couldn’t decide whether he was angry that you didn’t just ask him who he was or if that scene in the office that made his dick hard under his chefs pants, just made him so flustered that he was angry. Either way, he was going to play it like it didn’t get to him, that the desire to push you against the desk and kiss you until you couldn’t remember his name consumed him and walking out of that office was one of the hardest things he had done. The fact that he knows you feel the same makes his dick even harder.

*************************************

 I made it through the rest of work in a daze. My nerves frazzled. Not sure what his reaction meant. He seemed like he was playing with me, sitting in my chair, like a power play letting me know that what I found out did not bother him. When he looked at me with those eyes and full lips all I could think about is those lips on mine, his hands all over my body taking whatever he wants. I know he knows that, he knows that it takes everything in me to not give in and he relishes in it.

At close I went into the kitchen to check out all the stations. I meticulously checked each station purposely avoiding his station, not ready to face the tension and look into his eyes, but there he was leaning against the pizza station scrolling through his phone acting as if that scene in the office never happened. When he saw me he looked up and gave me a dazzling smile making my knees weak.

 “I am all done boss, everything look good?” He says while grabbing his backpack and starts rummaging through it.I look around and see that everything was in order.

 “Yep you are good” he nods and continues looking through his back pack. I check everyone else out and they start filing out of the kitchen. He is holding back, I know he is waiting for the others to leave before he approaches me. I stop to grab a few things that need to go back to the office and I feel him behind me. 

**************************************

 As she is checking all the other stations out he decides to play with her a little more once everyone else had left. He walks up behind her, making sure she knows that he is there, but not actually touching her. He wants to make her squirm, make her realize how badly she wants him.

 “There is a bar up the street…its quiet we can meet there” he whispers, still standing behind me, I can feel his breath on the back of my ear, causing me to shiver. I swallow and nod slowly.

 “See you there” he says while pivoting around me and tossing his backpack over his shoulder.

**************************************

I walk into the dimly lit bar and see him immediately, sitting by himself at a table in the corner. He has a drink in front of of him and is reading the menu. I take a deep breath and walk over to the table and sit down without saying a word. He looks up and flashes that smile.

 “Hi boss” he says

 “Ok enough of that, we are not at work” I scoff. He smiles and sets the menu down and leans forward on his elbows.

 “Ask me anything I know you have questions” he says, his look turning serious.

 I take a deep breath ready to just let out all the information I had found out, leaving out the details about how watching him dance did something to you, made you shiver thinking about how he would feel against your body. How those hips could grind against you or how his thighs would feel between your legs. 

“So your name is Lee Minho, stage name Lee Know and you were the dance leader and a vocalist for the Stray Kids?” I say matter of factly

 He nods. “How did you figure it out?”

 “Honestly it wasn’t that difficult. When I first hired you I couldn’t believe someone that looks like you would want to work at some little pizza place and then when you said you were going to university, my first thought was 30 is late to start college, I had some theories and I started to do some research”

“What were your theories?” he says, scooting closer a mischievous smile on his handsome face.

 “Well at first I thought you were some K drama actor who came to the United States to flee from some scandal….I watch a lot of dramas so I started going through You Tube and google trying to find something, but  nothing turned up”

 He is smiling. “So that’s why everybody started calling me Kdrama as a nickname?”

 I blush. “I just told people you look like a K drama actor and I guess they just went with it and then you started answering to it…so I guess it stuck”

 “Go on” He continues with a playful smile.

 “I was researching so much stuff on kdramas that I started getting stuff about kpop on my recommended on you tube so I put the name you gave us and kpop in google and there was your face obviously with a different name, but sounds the same…..I did quite of bit of digging because I didn’t think that this could actually be possible, but the more I watched the videos and all the you tube stuff of you talking, walking, your mannerisms I was about 99 percent sure. Then I looked up information on stray kids and all the members were accounted for except for you and one other member, it said there was rumors that you had moved to America or Australia….I just put it all together”

 He was listening intensely, not interrupting and he had an amused look on his face. 

“Ok well it sounds like you are quite the detective, I knew there would be a possibility of my identity being found out and I told myself I would deal with it when it happened. You need to promise that you will not tell anyone, I am enjoying my life right now” His voice sounding sad. But he quickly shakes his head and with a smile asks “What do you want to drink?” And motions for the server to come over. 

 The server basically runs over to our table. I noticed that she had been staring at him for the last few minutes. She starts smiling and fawning over him. I internally roll my eyes, but I understand he is drop dead gorgeous and has charisma and confidence, its hard to not be attracted to him. I feel a pang of jealousy when he starts flirting back with her, telling her he likes her earrings.

**************************************

Minho knew that flirting with the server would get Cat flustered and he glanced over to her while talking to the server and notices the soft blush on her cheeks and the glint of jealousy in her eyes. Seeing her like that sent him over the edge, how beautiful she looked when she was angry, but trying so hard to hide it. He wanted to see that pretty pink blush on her cheeks as he has her laid out in his bed, kissing every inch of her making her moan his name.

 “So….what do you want to drink?” He smirks as if he knows that I was a little jealous at the attention he was giving the server.

 “I am good” I say curtly.

 He frowns. “Come on Cat you have to have at least one drink with me”

 The server is looking down at me, I could see the annoyance in her eyes and I have to admit it felt pretty damn good to know that I am the one sitting here with literally the most gorgeous man in the room.

“Fine, dirty grey goose martini, three olives” I say with a smug smile.

 She glances one more time at Minho as he raises his glass indicating he wants another one, she huffs turning and walking back to the bar.

 “You fucking love the attention? You know they are all looking at you, flirting with you” I say while shaking my head in disbelief.

 “Of course I do” he says while taking a sip of his drink. “I was an idol for years, I sometimes miss the attention”

 “So why did you…just leave?”

 “That…is a long story for another time, but I promise I will tell you all about it someday” He finishes his drink as the server brings our next round, all but slamming it down in front of me. I giggle a little as she walks away.

 We sit and chat for a little while, sipping at our drinks. We don’t talk about anything important, I got the feeling he didn’t really want to talk about his past with me yet, so he asked me a lot of questions about my career. 

After our drinks were almost empty he hits me with “Why don’t we go back to my place, we can finish talking”

 “Uh you know that is not a good idea”

 “Oh come on Cat! You found out who I really am…..you still don’t want me? I am getting impatient since I know you feel the same” He adds a little pout at the end of his sentence

 Taken aback from his bluntness. “What? Lino of course I cannot be interested in you I am your boss…it’s inappropriate, I could lose my job”

 “Your not interested at all?…. nobody will have to know” he says with a coy smile. That pretty pink blush had covered her whole face, he could practically feel the neediness radiating off of her, but still she holds back.

 Fuck! His words go straight to my core. I was on the verge of quitting my job and just letting him have his way with me. Seeing him dance in the videos had me feeling something and if I didn’t have any will power at all I would have fucked that man a month ago.

 He sighs deeply. “Ok fine, it can be completely innocent, I enjoy talking with you. I know you have more questions and I want to know more about you, plus you can meet my bratty roommate”

 Should I? he had me questioning everything. Could I just go hang out with him in his apartment with him and his roommate and not have anything happen?

 “Does…your roommate know who you are?” I ask shyly

 His face lights up and he rolls his eyes a little. “Of course he does…my roommate is Jeongin”

 “Oh” I say flatly

 “Come on…you will love him, he is a fucking brat, but is super sweet and he already knows about you”

 My mind keeps telling me no, this is not a good idea at all, but the thought of meeting the maknae who was honestly also gorgeous from the videos I watched. Also, I did really enjoy talking to him, the conversation flowed and it felt comfortable. I was also still curious and wanted to know more. 

In my heart I knew this probably wasn’t going to be a good idea, but my body had me convinced and it was beginning to become very hard to resist what my body was telling me.

 I sigh and I see him smile, knowing he has me convinced.

 “Fine, but we are just going to talk and chill nothing else” I say

 He puts his hands up. “Absolutely, I will in no way try to seduce you”

 “I am serious, you could cost me my job” I say trying my best to look convincing

 “Ok Ok I pinky promise” he holds out his pinky, grabbing my hand and forcing me to pinky promise him. I shake my head and laugh. “Ok give me your address” I grab my drink and quickly gulp it down, liquid courage I told myself.

My heart is racing as I set his address into my gps, my hands were shaking so bad that I had to type in the numbers three times before I got it right. 

What was I doing? 

I knew there was no way I would be able to stop if he starts something, my panties were already wet with just the thought of him and I knew if he touched me I would be a goner. Part of me thought, Ill just text him and tell him I changed my mind and it wasn’t a good idea, but a bigger part of me, obviously the horny and needy part of me told me to just go and deal with the consequences later. Of course that part won as I started pulling out of the parking lot heading in the direction of his apartment.

**************************************

Minho couldn’t keep the smile off his face as he quickly sent Jeongin a text letting him know they were having company and to be decent when they arrived. He responded with a thumbs up and that didn’t give him much hope, Jeongin had assimilated well into American society and has found a new hobby in video games and sex. Even though Minho isn’t an idol anymore he still tries to keep his body fit and still found time to dance, he didn’t want to lose that part of himself completely. Jeongin on the other hand although, still keeping his body fit he uses it to fuck anything with a pussy or an ass, he is not picky. He said that as an idol he never had the freedom to do what he wanted, so he is making up for lost time.

Minho will admit, Jeongin is sexy as fuck and knows how to flirt and get what he wants, he can definitely see why he has so much success in that department. Jeongin has offered to help Minho get laid, but up until now he hadn’t really had much desire, and of course Minho had plenty of girls he has slept with over the years in secret when he was an idol and of course the experimenting the group members they had all done over the years of training to let off some steam.

Jeongin was always there for him when Minho felt lonely and needy, many nights Jeongin letting Minho fuck him into the mattress always being so good for him, but Minho knew that him and jeongin were not a couple and never could be. Jeongin is in his playboy phase and wants to have fun, Minho wanting more and trying to find a intimate connection with someone.

He pulls into his parking lot, locking his car and walking up to your car with a smile on his face. You step out of your vehicle, still apprehensive about where this night is heading, your brain is clouded with curiosity and lust. You follow Minho as he leads you into the impressive apartment complex, you figure he still got that idol money. As you enter the elevator and Minho is telling you about his roommate, but your not really listening cause your brain is roaring with nerves and you cannot focus on anything except the fact that you are really going into this beautiful man’s apartment and absolutely nothing sexual can happen even though you know you both really want it to.

**************************************

Minho leads the way to his door and makes quick work of unlocking it, he steps inside and moves over gesturing with his hand to come in. You watch as he takes his shoes off and you realize that’s what you need to do also, you toe your shoes off and scoot them next to his on the mat. You are trying to focus on all of the little things, take shoes off, take coat off, hang on hook so you don’t have to look up at Minho who you know is staring at you and then you will have to think about the next step. Are we going into his room? Is is going to offer me alcohol? I can’t get drunk, Ill do something stupid. Your brain is malfunctioning and your hands are shaking. You finally get up the courage to look at Minho who is standing there with a soft smile of his face almost like he is amused by your emotional state right now. Is he going through the same thing I am right now? Is he just hiding it better?

“You want to meet my roommate? He says while turning towards the living room. You could hear the sound of a television, maybe a video game. You follow quietly as you hear Minho yell out something in Korean, you are taken aback for a second since you had yet to hear him speak in his native language in person, you almost forgot that he is in fact Korean and are also a bit surprised and embarrassed about how your body responded to his voice and the language. You would have never guessed that hearing his voice speak in his native tongue would make you feel even needier than you already felt. You had heard of people having voice or language kinks, but you never understood it until this very moment.

 With your face red you follow him into the living room where another beautiful man was standing shirtless with almost a full sleeve of tattoos and just loose shorts on holding a game controller, his black hair pulled back into a short ponytail.

 “Jeongin! I told you to be decent” Minho yells at the other man.

 “I did…I put pants on” Jeongin responds as he turns to look at us, his face breaking out into a smile that reached his beautiful fox like eyes.

 “Well Hello there, Min didn’t tell me that you were this pretty” he says with a wink. I of course blush, even though I didn’t think my face could possibly get any redder.

 “Ok Innie chill out” Minho huffs. “Come on we can go in my room, do you want something to drink?” He looks to me smiling sweetly.

 “Uh um do you think that’s a good idea?” I ask still very unsure of myself and the situation I had gotten myself into.

 “You kids be good, keep the door open” Jeongin laughs. He had a cute giggle.

 “Yeah yeah it will be fine, I promise Ill keep my hands to myself” Minho smirks as he motions for me to follow him.

My body follows him before my brain could react. Shit! If I don’t start thinking before I act this is not going to end well. I need to get it together otherwise I will let this man do whatever the hell he wants and if the other beautiful man wants to join I’d let him.

 I was fucked.

**************************************

 Minho smiles to himself as he leads her to his room. He promised he wouldn’t try anything, but his fingers were crossed in his mind. He knows she wants him as bad as he does, he just needs to convince her brain.

We enter his room, it is clean and tidy. He has some pictures hanging up so I walk over to examine them, trying so hard to not sit on his bed like I know he is going to ask. There were a mixture of obvious professional group pictures and some more casual pictures that probably one of the group members took. They were all so beautiful, it was crazy that there could be so many beautiful, sexy talented men in one group. They were all literally flawless, even in the amateur photos.

 “Do you want to sit down” Minho asks while taking a seat on the bed.

 “Nope” I say quickly and he huffs out a laugh, a laugh I recognize from some of the interviews and clips I watched.

 “Ok well just stand there and look at the pictures then, I am going to get us something to drink….I have vodka I don’t know how to make a martini, but I can make a mean vodka orange juice” He quirks his eyebrow with a smile.

 Oh he thinks he is so cute. Trying so hard to get my guard down, so he can swoop in and get me naked. Not gonna happen. 

I am in control of this, I can control myself.

 Minho could tell she was unsure. He needed to reassure her, make her feel comfortable. He really didn’t want her to leave so in order to get her to stay he was going to have to take a step back. He walks out to the kitchen to make the drinks.

 Jeongin playing his game looks up “How’s it going Hyung….that was quick” He laughs his fox eyes twinkling.

 “Shut it, its not like that…” Minho responds while pouring the drinks.

 “Oh ok sure Hyung” Jeongin rolls his eyes and returns his attention back to his game.

Fucking brat. Minho walks back into the room and is happy to see that Cat had finally sat down, but she had her arms crossed in front of her, looking very stiff and kind of scared. Poor thing.

*************************************

 Since Minho was out in the kitchen I realized that I am an adult and standing around trying to avoid him is not going to work. I am going to have to work through these inappropriate thoughts, because I still have to work with him.  

 He has a smile on his face when his walks in, holding two drinks in his hands. He hands me one and sits down on the bed, actually sitting farther away than what I thought he would. Maybe he is trying to play the long game. I take a sip of the drink he handed to me and was surprised it actually tasted nice, not too strong.

 “Listen Cat, I am not going to try anything, you have made it very clear that your job is important to you and you don’t want to jeopardize that so I promise I will keep my distance and we can just talk, ok” He turns towards me, sitting fully on the bed with his legs crossed and I won’t lie it was difficult to not look at his thick thighs.

 I nod and take a deep breath. “Ok Lino…” I say then trail off not knowing what to say next.

 “When we aren’t at work you can call me Minho, Lino sounds too much like my stage name” He says with a smile

 “So did you pick the name Lino?” I ask.

 “Well kind of” He says scooting a little closer to me. It was fine, he was still keeping his distance.

 After I started asking him questions about his life and career, the conversation flowed very easily. We were laughing and I didn’t even notice that he was sitting much closer, his knee almost touching mine. He was funny and had so many stories from his time as an idol and about the other group members. Some of the stories from his days as a trainee were actually heartbreaking. When he told the story about him being eliminated I was almost in tears and made a mental note to watch the clip later.

 It was fun talking to Cat. She was sweet, but so sure of herself. He found himself scooting a little closer to her, but she didn’t seem to mind, he wasn’t even sure she noticed. He wanted so badly to be close to her, to touch her but she was still keeping her distance.

 “You used to flirt with me all the time before you knew who I was, what changed?” Minho decided to just ask her.

 I took a deep breath. Fuck here we go. “I don’t know why I was flirting, I shouldn’t have been, but it was hard, I mean I am attracted to you, I was before I knew and even more afterwards. I couldn’t believe a man that looks like you was interested in me” I finish and gulp down the rest of my second vodka orange juice and I could definitely feel the warmth of the liquor make its way to my brain.

 “I am sorry for putting you in that position Cat and what do you mean someone like you? You are sexy and confident, its crazy attractive” He says while his eyes roam over my body.

 I felt hot under his gaze, he was looking at me with such lust it was hard to not just jump in his lap and shove my tongue down his damn throat. 

No! I was an adult and I was in control, but the boozy part of my brain was telling me that nobody has to know, we could easily sleep together and nobody would be none the wiser.

 “Cat….you want another drink?” He asks taking the empty glass from my hand.

 “Uh no where is your bathroom?” I blurt out, needing to get out the room, the tension is stifling. Everything was fine 20 minutes ago, we were talking, hanging out and then all that damn sexual tension happened again.

 “Oh yeah its right out the door to your left” he says with a little half smirk

 I jump up way too quickly, but pull myself together and walk to the bathroom. Once inside I stare at myself in the mirror. What are you doing? This is going to end badly, just leave, tell him the vodka is making you sick. Just come up with an excuse and leave. Of course my brain has almost totally shut off at this point and I let my body lead me out of the bathroom.

I open the door to the room and am met with Minho in a black tank top, he had obviously just taken off his hoody, but fuck. He was putting some clothes away so he didn’t turn to me right away. I just stood there watching him move, his arm muscles flexing. The tank top was stretched over his pecs. He had a few tattoos also, it looked like one on each of his biceps and one on his shoulder blade. He looked divine, like sex itself and it was then that I knew I was fucked.

 I was most certainly not in control of this and I am most certainly not going to be able to control myself.

 I had to stay now, I had to feel what his body felt like, I needed to hear his voice in my ear coaxing me to cum for him. I wanted his hands everywhere. He turns to look at me standing in the doorway my eyes probably glazed over.

 “Hey” he says simply and he smiles a knowing smile. He knew he had me now.

 “Hey” I breathe out. “You um lost your shirt” My voice was almost whiny at this point.

 “Yeah I was hot” He says, still staring at me, a half smirk on his pretty face.

 “I thought you didn’t show skin” I said not even sure what I was saying at this point.

 He chuckles, that laugh that I was really starting to like. “Yeah, maybe”

 “You coming back in?” He asks standing up straight holding his hand out to me. Then he gives me a direction in Korean and I swear my mind short circuits a little.

 “What” I gasp

 Now he almost laughs out loud. “You didn’t think I didn’t notice how you reacted when I spoke to Jeongin, it’s a voice kink a lot of people have it.” He is teasing now, but I felt hot all over, I could feel the wetness in my panties. What the fuck is happening to me, he like a drug that I am being peer pressured to try. But I want it so bad, I can literally feel it in my throbbing core.

 “I-I don’t think I have that” I say, knowing I sound so stupid and I am literally trying everything to not rip the rest of his clothes off.

 He walks closer to me. “Yeah, maybe…but I think I told you to shut the door” He says with a smirk.

 I tilt my head in confusion. “You did?”

 He quirks his eyebrow, “Yeah….”

 “Oh” is all I could muster. I felt like I might faint, I was so hot all my nerves were on fire. I felt like one touch from this man in the right place I would be cumming harder than I have in my life.

 “Now shut the door and come here” he says firmly.

 And I do. I close the door, sealing my fate. I just stand there, not knowing what to do, where to put my hands except on him. He walks over to me, putting one arm on the wall next to me, almost caging me in but he still left an opening on the other side, but I wasn’t going to take it. I was in now, my decision was made, but it couldn’t hurt to not let him know that I wasn’t completely convinced.

 He tilts his head and leans down. his lips are so close now, all I had to do was lean forward and our lips would be touching. Instead he turns his head and places a kiss on my neck, running his other hand down my arm, causing goosebumps to form.

 I let out a shaky breath as he pulls back. “Tell me to stop and I will” he murmurs then leans forward again, hovering over my lips again, his eyes searching mine his lips parted. His pupils are blown and there is a hunger in his eyes. He slowly leans in and kisses me on the lips and I felt like my whole body was a live wire. He pulls back slowly, but I close the gap again and kiss him letting my tongue lick along the seam of his lips, he lets me in tilting his head deepening the kiss. I moan softly as I feel his hand squeeze my waist.

 He pulls back and rests his forehead on mine, I am almost breathless at this point.

 He smiles. “Finally….you really made me work for that”

 “I could stop it all right now” I breath out unconvincingly

“Do you want to stop” his lips ghost over my neck again and I couldn’t help the gasp I let out, shutting my eyes as his lips roam over my exposed neck.

 “All those pretty sounds your making……doesn’t sound like you want me to stop” he says and I can feel him smile against my skin.

 I hear him whispering to me again in Korean, making my breath hitch and my chest heave. How the fuck is this having this kind of effect on me? I could not wrap my head around it at all. He could literally be reciting his grocery list and I would not have a clue and it wouldn’t matter his voice sounded so smooth and silky causing goosebumps to form and wetness to pool in my panties.

 His hand hand slides down my waist and settles on my hip, he slowly kneads the skin through my jeans and then goes down grabbing my thigh and lifting it up and pressing himself against me.

 “Oh…fuck” I gasp when I feel him roll his hips into my clothed core, I could feel him rock hard under his joggers. He leans in again kissing me, we are both breathless, tilting our heads are tongues twisting together and another moan leaves my lips. Fuck! all those years of dancing coming in to play.

 “Feel good?” He murmurs

 I hum in response my brain not being able to form words at this point.

 “I can make you feel even better….all you gotta do is say the word” He whispers and kisses the shell of my ear. He rolls his hips into me again, causing my head to fall back. He takes that opportunity to nip at my exposed throat.

 “Tell me” He murmurs taking my mouth again, pressing into me. I almost felt like I was about to cum just like this

 “Fuck! Minho….” I groan as those hips keep rolling into me, causing more wetness to pool, my panties had got to be soaked by this point.

“I can’t hear you” He chuckles

 “Y-yes…please keep going” I groan

 “Good girl” He says as he turns me, leading me towards the bed, our mouths still moving against each other. I feel the bed behind me so I sit down pulling him with me. He giggles as he pulls away to pull his tank top off. I stare up at him, admiring his hard pecs and firm six pack.

 “Damn” I whisper

 “Yeah…just wait” he chuckles

 He makes quick work of pulling my jeans off and then pulling my shirt over my head and unsnapping my bra with ease. It was a whirlwind and within seconds I was almost completely naked, except for my panties. His fingers find my soaking slit, pulling my panties to the side he runs his fingers through my wet folds, eliciting a moan from me.

 “You are so wet, probably been like this the whole time” he says while pulling my panties down over my ass and down my legs. He begins kissing my inner thighs, my clit throbbing for attention. I felt like one touch, one lick and I would be cumming all over his face.

 He doesn’t touch though, he goes straight in moaning into my pussy. Devouring it, sucking my clit into his mouth and swirling his tongue around the swollen nub, once he enters two fingers into my dripping hole I was careening towards an orgasm. I don’t think I had ever cum this fast before. I was grinding on his fingers and he was moaning like this was the best meal he had ever had. My legs start shaking as everything goes white and my eyes roll back arching off the bed, white hot heat envelopes my whole body.

 He licks me through my orgasm until I am squirming with over stimulation.

 “Fuuuck Minho, that was insane” I cry out and I hear him chuckle as he wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. He begins kissing up my body, stopping at my nipples and swirling his tongue around the pebbled peaks.

 “That was quick” he murmurs as his mouth finds mine,  I could taste myself on him. “You taste just as sweet as I thought you would”

 “Please just fuck me Minho” I whine out

“Of course baby, wouldn’t dream of making you wait any longer” he reaches over to his night stand grabbing a condom out of the drawer. I am laying on my back, holding myself up with my arms behind me. I have never felt the need to be fucked as I felt at that moment. He is standing on his knees between my legs, he carefully pulls his pants off while barely moving off the bed. His coordination was really mind blowing. His erection springs forward and my eyes widen. I honestly didn’t expect him to be that big, he definitely had big dick energy, but damn.

 “I told you to just wait and see” he smirks as he rolls the condom over his impressive length.

 “You ready” He says as he hovers over my hole. Suddenly I got a little gun shy. He was pretty big, I don’t think I had ever had one that big.

He leans down to kiss me. Pulling back to smooth my hair out of my face. “I will go slow…..until you tell me not too, ok”

 He actually was pretty cocky, but in a confident sexy way. He knew who he was and was proud of it.

 I nod and he lines himself up with my soaking hole. He enters me slowly and the stretch took me by surprise and caused me to gasp a little.

 “Just breathe ok, I got you” He murmurs while placing soft kisses along my neck.

 He slowly pushes forward until he is finally fully seated inside of me and I could feel every vein in that cock.

 “Fuck…you are tight” He groans. “Tell me when your ready”

I nod and when he rolls his hips I swear I could see stars, there was some pain but it was subsiding to a intense pleasure and I could feel more wetness leak out of me.

 I am a moaning mess under him as he rolls his hips over and over. I wrap my legs around his back as his arms go under my shoulders using them as leverage. He continues those slow steady strokes, while kissing me and dipping down to pull a nipple in his mouth. I needed more, I was grinding up to meet his thrusts.

 “You can go harder” I whisper.

 “Are you sure” he murmurs back.

 I nod my head.

 He huffs out that adorable chuckle. “Ok, but when you start screaming I might have to muffle you”

 I kind of roll my eyes, but once he puts my leg over his shoulder and pulls all the way out and slams back in and I could feel him in my guts I did scream, loudly.

He begins a relentless pounding that had my eyes rolling back and I couldn’t stop the whines and moans that came out of my mouth. My hands clawing at his back as his cock hit that special spot, making my mind go blank.  I was getting close again. “M-minho…getting close” I moan out

 “Ok baby” he reaches between us as he roughly rubs my clit and I felt my body go taut.

 “That’s right baby, just like that…let go for me….you can be as loud as you want”

 The orgasm that washes over me, was one that I have never felt before. I was shaking underneath him and moaning his name like a prayer.  The aftershocks seem to be never ending

 “God you feel so good…clenching me so good….. getting so close” He groans gripping my hips tightly as he buries himself deep in me, I feel him throb inside of me, he groans into my neck as he shoots his release into the condom.

 I was literally shaking as he held me. I had never had sex like that before and when his face came into my view and leaned in to kiss me softly.

 “Are you ok?” He whispers

 “Yeah…I um think I am good” I say quietly

 “You wont be in a minute” He murmurs

 “Huh? What do you mean?” I ask squinting my eyes

 He takes a deep breath. “We were just consumed with a lot of need and desire and as you come down from that high that sex takes you to, you will feel guilty for doing this”

 “No I wont” I say firmly

 “Ok…I believe you” He whispers. Rolling over and standing up to get a towel.

 After a few minutes I realized he was right. Fuck! What did we just do? I am going to lose my job. Anxiety rattled my brain.

 I knew I should have left when I went to the bathroom.

***************************************

“Just spend the night” Minho whines into my mouth.

 “No I have to work early in the morning” I say back as I push away from him to find my clothes.

 “Come on I can make you cum all night, just stay…please” He was almost begging at this point.

 “No” I say firmly as I pull on my pants.

 “You just gonna let me blow your mind and then leave me” he says with a smile.

 I roll my eyes, “You really are kind of cocky aren’t you?”

 “Yeah a little, but I know you blew my mind so I am assuming I did too”

 “it doesn’t matter, I have to work…..um is your roommate still out there?” Suddenly feeling shy at my previous ministrations, he definitely heard us.

“Nah he is probably asleep by now, he usually passes out on the couch while playing video games. Come on I will walk you out” He says while taking my hand.

 I let him lead me towards the door. I glance over and see Jeongin asleep on the couch, still in only shorts. He has his arm over his face. Kind of adorable.

 “See told you, sound asleep” he whispers pulling me closer to him and leaning down to kiss me deeply. I melt into the kiss and let him run his hands along my sides.

 I giggle as I pull away, “Ok Minho I need to go” I gasp

 He pouts a little, but lets me go. As I am walking to the elevator he blows me a kiss and then makes one of those finger hearts and I roll my eyes at his cuteness.

**************************************

Minho stood at the doorway watching her step into the elevator. He turns back into his apartment and softly closing the door.

 “Sounds like you had fun” Jeongins voice cuts through the quiet

 “Fuck Innie! I thought you were asleep” Minho yelps

 “Nope just a little warn out” he smirks

 That is when Minho notices the Kleenex laying on the floor.

 “Eeew! Did you seriously jack off to us fucking” Minho cries out. “Unbelievable”

 “What can I say you still sound so pretty…I miss you sometimes” Jeongin says with a pout

 “Jesus Innie, you really are such a little slut” Minho laughs as he pulls a bottle of water out of the fridge.

 “You have no problem getting laid pretty much on the daily” Minho takes a big gulp of his water

 “Yeah I know, but sometimes I like what is familiar” Innie says softly

 Minho laughs out loud. “You are just wanting what you cant have especially since I am getting laid now”

 “hey that’s not fair, when were debuting, training touring working our asses off you were fucking all the time, I was a good little idol and didn’t do anything I wasn’t supposed to” Innie says standing up to head to his room.

 “I Know Innie, I am sorry but what we were doing is in the past, you know it couldn’t work and that is why we came to the agreement we did”

 “I know…I just miss you sometimes” Innies says quietly and then shuts his door.

Minho takes a deep breath, the last thing I need right now is Jeongin getting all emotional. I just fucked my boss and it was amazing and now I have no idea how to go about this. She is probably going to hate me now, I guess I can’t blame her I was blinded by my desire and now all I feel is guilt.

 He lays down on his bed, her smell still lingering and images of what just happened just 20 minutes ago, running through his head. That was so amazing and it is going to be so hard to not want to do it again.

**************************************

I sat down in my car, pounding my fists into the steering wheel. “Ugh why did I just do that” I scream out to nothing.

 I am so screwed how am I going to go about this? This cannot happen again, if anybody finds out I would be in so much trouble. I am just going to have to avoid him, pretend it never happened. Fuck! There is no way I could pretend that didn’t happen, that was the best sex I had ever had and I am going to probably get wet the minute I see him again, probably beg him to fuck me over the desk at work. No way! I cannot not let that happen. I work mostly days this week, so I shouldn’t work with him until the weekend. It will be fine, by the time I see him the desire will wear off. I put my car in gear and make the drive back to my apartment.

 That is what I did for the next two weeks, avoid and hide. I would leave before he got to work. I even switched a shift on the weekend so I didn’t have to work with him. Thankfully he didn’t have any of my contact information so the only way to talk with me was at work. It was working, I was fine and when I did finally have to see him it would be out of my system.

**************************************

Chan answered on the second ring. Minho rarely face timed anyone, so Chan was surprised to hear from him. Chan was greeted by a sad Minho who needed to shave.

 “Damn Min what the hell happened to you”

 “My fucking boss happened to me” Minho spits out.

 “Oh yeah that one you had a crush on, right?”

 “Yeah that one, well two weeks ago we finally hooked up and man it was fucking amazing. I knew that she could get in trouble, but the tension was just so intense, it just happened”

 “Ok…so it sounds like you got what you wanted”

 “No Hyung! She hasn’t spoken to me in two weeks! She avoids me and I am pretty sure she switched a shift so she didn’t have to work with me. I think I fucked up Hyung! She is driving me fucking crazy, I can’t stop thinking about her, the way she looks, the way she smells, the way she looked underneath me when I fucked her” Minho is babbling, but he didn’t care. He couldn’t talk to Jeongin about it because he would get all mopey and weird and the feelings have been consuming him.

 “Ok so make her talk to you” Chan clears his throat. “Just pull her aside and make her talk to you, no matter what you guys need to talk about what happened, right?”

 “Yeah….but what do I do just pull her into a closet, wait for her to get to work or something” Minho asks

 “Well….yeah but not like creepy or stalkerish.” Chan laughs

 “Ok I guess I can try, I think we work together tomorrow unless she switches shifts again”

 “Ok well there you go, just talk to her”

 “Thanks Hyung” Minho averts his eyes

 “Aww our little devil is in love” Chan coos

 “Shut up, Hyung” Minho bites back, but smiles knowing that Chan is probably right.

**************************************

I sat in the office and looked at the schedule and see that Minho is scheduled tonight, he will be here at 4. No more avoiding, I guess I am going to have to face him.

 Devontrae walks into the office. “What’s up Cat?”

 “Uh not much, hey does the other location need cooks?”

 “Maybe, why?” Devontrae continues rifling through the file cabinets.

 “Just wondering, could we get someone transferred there if needed”

 With that he looks up giving me a curious expression. “Who?”

 “Lino” I say simply

 “Kdrama? I thought he was doing a good job here?” He tilts his head in confusion, his eyes questioning, I almost could feel like he knew what I had done.

 “Yeah I just don’t like him, he is kind of cocky and I feel like he would fit in better there”

 He laughs. “Come on you know we cant just send someone over to our other location because we don’t like them, plus it has to be something that he wants. Has he asked to be transferred?”

 “No” I say staring at the ceiling, not wanting him to see my face.

 “Is there something I need to know, Cat?”

 “No! I just don’t like him I think he is a jerk, but whatever I will make it work, it will be fine” I stand up quickly and walk out the door before he could say another word. 

Good job Cat! You weren’t obvious or anything. I check the time and realize Minho will be here in 20 mins. Fuck! I need to hide. God I sound like a fucking middle schooler, I duck into the women’s bathroom anyway to hide in my shame.

After about 30 minutes of sitting in the stall on my phone, doing what? Of course watching fucking videos of Minho. God I was seriously pathetic. I am actively trying to avoid this dude, who was famous in another life, but I am watching him dance on screen and with every hip roll I am brought back to that night. 

This is ok, I can lust for him from afar, nobody needs to know, this is my secret, this is my shame. I emerged from the bathroom after I knew Minho would arrive and be tucked back into the kitchen. 

Of course I run into Stephanie, “Hey girl, where have you been hiding?”

 “I wasn’t hiding! Why would I hide?” I say this way too quickly and Stephanie gives me a weird look.

 “Ok…can you cash me out I gotta get outta here”

 I didn’t have any friends outside of work, I had my sisters, but they were way older than me and we were not really close. Stephanie was the closest friend I had and I couldn’t talk to her, since she worked here. How badly I wanted to blurt out that I banged Minho and confess to her that I can’t look at him again, because I might lose my job. I couldn’t, so I just buried my secret and went about my day.

Once the shift began and dinner rush came I was able to focus on work, since it was a Saturday, Samantha managed with me, so I told her to take care of any kitchen issues and I will stay up front. She was fine with this, since the kitchen was where she thrived. Minho wasn’t closing so I didn’t have to worry about that, he would be long gone before I needed to be back in the kitchen. I felt ok about it, another day was a successful attempt at avoidance.

 Around 8 pm the dinner rush was winding down and Samantha came to me letting me know she was going to start phasing the kitchen.

 “So I am going to phase, Minho is closing for Parker. I guess he has a date or something” She says this as she is wiping off the server board. I felt the icy fear in my veins and I felt like all color drained from my face.

 “Um….so Minho is closing?” I say nervously

 “Yeah, Parker has a date. Its fine, its not like he will get overtime or anything. You still got Ace and David closing with him”

 “Yeah of course, its fine, all good” I say while turning on my heel and running to the office.

 Should I fake sick? Tell Samantha I needed to leave and she would have to close. I sat down on the chair, staring off into space. I am going to have to face him. There was no helping it now, my attempts at avoiding were no more. I am going to have to just tell him that what we did was amazing, but a one time thing that could never happen again and move on with my life.

 I felt like my heart was going to beat out of my chest, I had successfully avoided seeing him all night. I stayed away from the bar so I couldn’t even see him through the window and he couldn’t see me. I refused to look at the pizza station when I went to the expo window, but I swear I could feel his eyes on me. Now sitting in the office watching the cameras and seeing the guys finishing up their closing work I knew any minute now they would be coming to get me to check them out and I would have to see him and undoubtedly talk to him.

 I felt sick to my stomach. Was I having a panic attack? My heart was racing, I felt a lump in my throat and my hands wouldn’t stop shaking as I watched David on the camera walking towards the office. I felt like I was walking into a vat of lava, but I stood up to meet him at the door.

 “Oh ok Cat we are all ready, except Minho is dragging his feet” David says while clocking out.

 Fuck! Of course he was. He is trying to get me alone I know it, he is probably hurt possibly a little pissed since I pretty much ghosted him and a drop dead gorgeous guy like him has probably never been ghosted before.

 “Ok sounds good David, I am sure your stuff is fine I trust you” I say nervously

 “You don’t want to go check” He responds with a confused head tilt.

 “Nah I am sure you are good, I have some stuff I need to get done in here”

 “Ok well then have a good night”

 “You too David”

 I don’t know what I accomplished doing that. Either way I was now alone in the damn building with the man that I have been avoiding and I just put us basically in the plot of a cheesy porn.  I had to wait, I couldn’t leave before him, I had to set the alarms and lock the doors, he will be in this office any second.

I watch the cameras as Minho turns off the light and glances up at the camera, winking. I duck down thinking he could see me, Oh my god I am losing my fucking mind. How the in the hell did he know I was watching? I am so fucked, I take deep breath. Maybe I could hide in the bathroom and just tell him to just go ahead and leave, he wouldn’t walk into the bathroom would he? I stand up quickly making the decision to run to the bathroom, but of course as soon as I open the door I crash right into Minho’s hard chest.

 “Woah” he says with a little giggle. “You running again”

 “Fuck! you scared me Minho!” I cry out backing away from him like he has a contagious disease.

 “No I didn’t…. you knew I was coming, I am sure you were watching the cameras” he says with a little smirk.

 I couldn ‘t run out the door, he was blocking it. I had no choice, I was stuck in this office with this man. I hadn’t seen him in two weeks, but he was just as stunning as he was when I saw him last. He is always one of the best dressed cooks back there, always wearing clean chef pants, his hair always perfect. Beautiful as always. I take a ragged breath and back up against the desk, while he leans on the door frame.

 “Why have you been avoiding me Cat?” Minho asks his voice sounding sad

 “I haven’t….”  I trail off, knowing that he absolutely knows I was avoiding him.

 “Cat…”he begins. He comes a little closer and I inch away, afraid if he gets close enough for me to smell him I might give in to those primal urges that has me touching myself almost every night since our night together.

 “Please don’t hide from me, I know that what we did wasn’t a good idea and I am sorry that I pushed you, but I wanted you so bad. I still want you, I cannot stop thinking about you, but I understand that no matter how I feel or how you feel, we cannot do that again I don’t want you to lose your job”

 I sigh. “Minho you didn’t push me, I gave in I shouldn’t have it was wrong of me, what we did was amazing I have…..never felt like that before, the setting just sucks and the timing is all off” I drop my head and he moves a little closer, I can smell him I could reach out and touch him.

 “Do you believe in the alternate universe theory” Minho asks with a little smile

 I look up and give him a look of confusion. “Huh? What’s that?”

 “It is a theory that there are different realities, where you are the same person, but you exist in a different time, place things like that”

 “Oh…I mean probably not”

 “I do……I believe that in another universe me and you are fucking right now”

 I feel my face get hot and I feel the heat rush to my core. Shit, why does he have to go around saying shit like that.

 “Oh um….” I was flustered and he knew it, he is looking at me, a half smirk on his face. He takes another step towards me and then he was right in front of me, I stand up from my slouching position on the desk. My mouth is dry and my heart is racing again. 

I am in control, I can control myself.

 “Well…” but the words get lost in my throat when I feel his hand on my waist. His touch was like fire and even through my clothes I could feel his hand pressing into me.

 “Minho….we can’t…. we have to….” I was losing the fight. His eyes were boring into me, he wasn’t saying anything but his eyes were telling me everything I needed to know.

 “One more time jagi” he murmurs.

 Fuck there it is again, he must have called me some pet name in Korean.

 “T-that isn’t fair Minho…” I whisper

 “I know, but playing fair really isn’t my thing and I might have to cheat a little to get you bent over this desk”

 He comes a little closer, I can feel his hardness against me.

“Is there cameras in here” He ask while glancing up at the ceiling”

 “Uh not right now, the one in here is broken” I whisper looking at his plump lips. Why did I just tell him that?

 “I guess its our lucky day” He quirks his eyebrow. Then before I could mutter a word, his lips are crashing into mine, I immediately kiss him back, he lifts me up and sets me on the desk and slots himself between my legs. We are kissing like our life depends on it, like we need each other to breath.

 “I can’t stop fucking thinking about you, Cat” he murmurs as his mouth finds my neck sucking little love bits along my skin.

 I moan as his hands roam under my shirt, his hands cupping my breasts through my bra, thumb dragging along my nipple. I can feel it harden under his touch.

 He begins whispering in my ear, a dirty mix of Korean and English, switching between the two with ease. The pool of desire in the pit of my stomach was consuming me.

 He flips me around effortlessly and begins kissing the back of my neck, one hand cupping my breast and the other hand unbuttoning my pants.

 “Fuck…Minho” I moan “why are you doing this to me? How are you having this effect on me”

 “You did it to me first….its not my fault that we are drawn to each other” His hand slips down over the wet patch on my panties, his fingers slowly start massaging the bundle of nerves.

 “I want to hear all those pretty sounds you make again, I want it to echo in this office while I am fucking you until you scream my name” His fingers keep working on my clothed clit. I feel the heat start building in my body.

 “Fuck me Minho…” I moan as I arch back into him.

 He squats down to pull my pants off, only pulling them off one leg. He just pushes my panties off to the side as he runs his hardness in my wet folds.

 “Want to make you mine, all mine” He whispers.

 He then stops. “Fuck!”

 “What?” I could barely catch my breath, I just wanted him inside, stretching me out

 “I-I don’t have a condom I forgot to grab one” He says sheepishly

 “Your joking right? You wouldn’t start all this, get me worked up and then walk away just to get back at me for ghosting you for two weeks?” 

My pussy is throbbing I am about to lose my mind if he doesn’t put it in.

“Fuck…just put it in” I cry out

 I hear him chuckle, that beautiful chuckle. “You wouldn’t be begging for my cock now would you?”

 “Is that what you want Minho? You want to hear me beg for you? Bend me over this desk and fuck me stupid, tell you how badly I need you to fill me up” I pant as he resumes rubbing his cock on my folds.

 “Careful baby….I do like it when you beg, you can’t go around saying shit like that”

 “Yeah what are you going to do about it” I shoot back

 “Fucking brat” He grunts as he shoves his entire length inside of me. I gasp loudly as the stretch takes my breath away. He doesn’t go slow this time, pulling me so I am flush with his chest as he pounds into me. I couldn’t make a sound, the feeling of his cock basically in my throat, my brain unable to form words.

 “What the matter, jagi? My cock got you speechless” He groans as he reaches around to rub my bundle of nerves.

 “Y-your so fucking big” I gasp

 “Yep and your so fucking tight, now cum on my cock”

 It doesn’t take long, a few more deep thrusts and his steady rubbing on my clit and I am cumming hard all over him. He wraps his arm around my stomach to keep me from collapsing.

 “Close…can I cum inside of you?” He groans

 “Y-yes” I moan as my body shakes from my release.

 He holds me around my middle tight as he releases into me, with a loud moan. “Fuuuckkk…that is too fucking good” I let myself fall forward my hands flat on the desk. I could feel his chest heaving against me.

 “Please don’t run Cat….we can figure it out, this can’t be the last time” He pants out

 “Would you be willing to transfer to the other location?” I say quietly

 “Is that all I would have to do?” He lifts his head

 “I am not sure….I think it would be a start, I wouldn’t be your direct boss. I will have to talk to Devontrae”

 He squeezes me around my stomach with both arms and kisses me sloppily on my cheek. “Whatever we need to do, lets do it. You are driving me fucking crazy and these last two weeks you have been avoiding me, honestly impressive, but hurtful”

 I sigh and turn around putting my arms around his neck. “I am sorry I have been acting like a fool, I cannot believe that I let myself get that way. I really am sorry. I promise I won’t do it this time”

 “Promise?” He asks kissing me on my nose and putting his pinky up

I giggle. “Promise” I say and wrap my pinky around his.

[final-girl96]

Ageless Secrets Chapter Seven

Five Years Later

May 2015

I've been living in the house across from Bill and Franks house now for five years. Tess has been here a few times to try and convince me to go back to the QZ. I have always refused her offer. Joel never cared to say anything to me when he came with Tess. That wasn't surprising to me, though. Joel barely looked at me when he would come to trade supplies with Bill.

It's been lovely here with Bill and Frank. The three of us go on runs around the neighbor every morning. Then, I help Bill check and make sure the fences are still intact and check the traps. In the evening I help with dinner and we'll have a little game night or Frank and I will go for a little night stroll and talk. When Bill lets me, I'll go out on runs to the part of town that isn't secure. We only went outside the fences when we were getting supplies for Tess and Joel or needed something we didn't already have.

Bill had worked hard after FEDRA left and went through the town gathering everyone up to take them to the QZ. Bill was smart by hiding because those people never made it to the QZ. They were executed a few miles down the road.

Six Years Later

August 29, 2021

I was heading back to Boston QZ upon Frank's request. He had talked to Tess on the radio and apparently she was asking about me; she asked about me everytime she talked to him over the radio. “I think you should go back to Boston QZ.” I looked at him in confusion. “What? Why? Did I do something?” My mind was going through every conversation or interaction to find what I might have done wrong. “No. No. You didn't do anything wrong. I just think you need to spend some time with her. She misses you, really misses you.”

I scoffed at that last part. “My sister does not miss me, Frank. I was always just in the way,” I said. He grabbed my hand with his slightly wrinkled one and gave me a soft smile. “She's asked about you every time I've talked to her on the radio. We even have a special code we play on the radio once in a while to tell her you're fine.” He laughed at the shock on my face. “We play songs from the nineties to let her know you're doing fine. She does care about you. You're her only family.”

“She has Joel. I'm sure they're all snuggled up together in the same apartment now that I'm gone.” Frank got a twinkle in his eye and a knowing smile graced his lips. “I'm sensing jealousy,” he teased. “I am not. I could care less what they do.” He raised an eyebrow and shook his head going back to his painting. Frank was slowing down. He was slowly getting weaker and having pain in his muscles.

I poured myself into any medical textbooks I could find. Not only because I wanted to know what to do in the emergency that something would happen, like back in 2013 when raiders tried to get inside the fences and Bill ended up getting shot. I knew what I had to do and how to properly take the bullet out and stitch him back up. When Frank started having weakness in his hands and some in his legs along with pain at first I thought maybe arthritis. But things started to slowly get worse. He needs a cane to get around.

Then when he complained about having some numbness and tingling, saying his legs almost feel restless and he was having burning pain, I immediately jumped into the medical books. I had come to the conclusion that he might have a neuromuscular disorder. I could be sure what kind, whether it was MS or ASL or something different. I did more research and looked into what kinds of medication he should take to help and Bill went in search of them.

“You are jealous. I see the way you look at Joel when you think nobody is looking or paying attention,” Frank said. “Oh yeah? And exactly how do I look at him?” I asked. “The same way I look at Bill. And before you go talking about age, I don't think it really matters in this day and age. The world is different. There aren't any rules anymore. Nobody is around to judge you on who you're with. I'll tell you a little secret. I've seen the way Joel steals small glances at you. He feels the same way; he's just stubborn and scared. He and Bill are a lot alike.”

Now I'm making my way back to Boston. Apparently Frank and Tess had a special song that he would play over the radio if I was on my way back to the QZ. The time I get there it should be dark enough to sneak inside without being seen and the way the sky is looking I would have the rain as cover too.

Two Years Later

September 2023

It wasn't hard to blend myself back into the QZ. It was like FEDRA didn't even notice I was missing. Well, there was one person that noticed I was gone. I was here not even a week when Ryker stopped me in the Alleyway I took to get home. Luckily, Joel appeared and Ryker walked away. Speaking of Joel, I was right about him and Tess. They were sharing an apartment; they were sharing his small one bedroom apartment.

Right now I was sitting at the kitchen table in the same old apartment I had with Tess before going to Bill and Franks. I hated it here; I wanted to go back. But Frank insisted I stay here with my sister. That concerned me a lot when he said that. It had made me think that he was getting worse and it's been a year since I heard from him.

I sat in the chair with one leg propped up on my knee, untying my shoes. I had a long day at the clinic. A little girl was found outside the walls and brought in. Unfortunately though we found a bite on her and she tested positive for the infection. We had no choice but to give her a shot that would put her to sleep and stop her heart. Then she was sent to be burned with the rest of the bodies. The rest of the day was patching people up and doing check ups on those who were sick with colds. All I wanted to do now was pour myself a glass of whiskey and then go to bed.

[nomoreusername]

What You Deserve (Part 2)

Pairing:Aris x female reader

Summary: Despite Aris wanting to fix everything, he doesn't think he can when he realizes how torn you still are.

I don't know what I can do to fix everything I've done. I'm in no way saying she didn't deserve the truth, but I am saying I didn't think she would tell me she didn't care if I died. I don't think I've ever known a type of pain like this, and it's not going away.

I just wanted her to know, but I didn't want this. I had just lost her all over again. Wasn't before the maze enough? Wasn't her telling me if she remembered me she'd kill me a sign that maybe what I said wouldn't actually convince her of anything? I had heard those type of words from her before. I had thought about them almost every night.

She had once said she hated me, and that I disgusted her before she got taken away. Those final words were 'I wouldn't care if' before she went unconscious. Now I know what they would have been.

The worst part is no matter what she says or does I will always love her. She could kill me, and my last thought would be at least I'm near her.

Because I watched her almost die so many times in that maze, and you can only get away with adjusting the Greiver's for so long until someone notices.

If only I knew how to say it. I don't know how to tell her she's still my everything. Even worse is she won't just say a single word to me, or even look in my direction. She hasn't even told another soul what I've done, and she won't just tell me I'm the most evil person she knows.

Her deciding I wasn't even worth insulting, thinking I was that disgusting, that's what kills me. So if she won't listen maybe she'll see it another way. I've never actually written a letter before, but I need to try

Dear Y/N,

I don't know how to start this, but I have to try. I know you hate me, and I don't blame you for that. In a way I expected this to be the result, but I wanted you to know. The first time you found out it wasn't from me, and every night I thought about the way you shouted that I was the worst person you ever came in contact with. You said I was worse than any other WICKED worker because I had manipulated and lied about loving you.

Y/N, I did lie to you but never about loving you. I always wanted nobody and nothing else but you. Every night I laid awake missing you. I took every shift I could just so I could be able to see you in some way. Even when you cried I couldn't bear the thought of just leaving you. In a way I had convinced myself that meant you were by me.

I would do anything if it meant changing this because of you. You made my rethink everything. That's why I went in the maze in the first place. I'd get to be near you, but I didn't think it would all turn out like this.

Tell me how to fix this, and I'll do it without a second thought. If it means begging, telling everyone, anything at all, I'll do it. You may not remember all the we've had, but I do. They're the only memories I want to keep.

You're my everything. Even if I'm your nothing you'll forever be my world.

So please. Please let me show you I've changed. I love you Y/N.

Love,

Aris

I took a deep breath as I stared at the letter one last time. I then looked at her sleeping figure. Before I could lose the courage I folded it and placed it beside her.

After a moment she stirred, and I saw how puffy her face was. I waited for another second. For what? I don't know.

She didn't wake up as she curled into a ball. Something about seeing her that way, so broken while asleep, was a haunting sight.

What good would a letter truly do? I don't think much. In fact, I think it may just send her spiraling.

Deciding it was pointless I crumpled it upon before kicking it as far as I could. Leaving her the way I always do, I went to pretend I would actually be able to sleep.

[starz4valen]

queers im fucking lost come save me

ok but in all seriousness,

despite labeling myself as aroace for a hot minute and finding comfort in that label and the community for a time—shit doesnt feel quite right anymore.

i have had ONE EX. one.

i genuinely think i was in love with him. i only felt what i felt with him,,,WITH HIM. nobody else. I felt the butterflies/giddiness, i loved his laugh, his smile, hearing him, his jokes, all the names he would call me, how much he said he loved me, our late night discord calls, having him around, just. him. when he rarely spoke abt shit that was bothering him it hurt me so bad, like i would hurt with him. and the mere THOUGHT of ME hurting him made me wanna sob.

as you can probably guess by the fact we’re exes, we’re not together anymore. it hurts. hell, my stomach tangled a bit as i typed that out. (could be cause recently someone who used to be a friend went and dated him and then got upset at me for getting upset at them but this ain't abt them.)

we broke up in like june last year, and i felt so fucking horrible about it bc it basically ended w him yelling at me over text at how horrible i am at listening and how i treated him more like a therapist—which i will admit i did. i sucked for that. it makes sense why tho, i was working through a lot of shit at the time, doesn’t justify it at all though. i should’ve treated him better. im desperately trying to fix it in my current relationships so that never happens again.

then again, he also treated me badly. he said things that really fucked with my sense of trust in people and just made me scared to get close with anyone like that ever again, or in general bc i was convinced everyone had some ulterior motive w me or secretly didnt give a shit abt me—but also i felt *I* was the problem. like every relationship im in is gonna end horribly bc im just that bad. its taken a lot to say that i feel loved by and trust my current friends, as well as trying to recognize that I deserve love, and im glad i can say that im getting better ^^

but,,,idk anymore

i concluded i was aroace almost a year after we broke up. there were a couple reasons. for one, i only really got that close w him. i dont really know if ive had a crush or what that feels like—in fact i think i faked one in elementary, the whole reason i got w my ex was bc he was flirting w me and it made me feel nice. (also bc i was worried he would be my only shot at love but i digress) i feel off when people talk about heading to poundtown or anything like that, the same with crushes—just crushes tho relationships i totally get—and i still struggle to wrap my head around attraction and how people just can look at someone without even knowing them at ALL and go “you. i want you.”

i wrote off how i felt when i was with him as simply some non-romantic form of attraction and called it a day.

but recently ive been reflecting on that, and i think i was wrong. the way that even now i get all these emotions by merely talking abt my ex says something. how upset seeing that "friend" going ahead and dating him after barely knowing him and just how angry i was says something. the way i cried seeing my best friend get a whole small crate of presents from their partner for their bday bc i was THAT JEALOUS says something. the way i yearn for affection and to be loved again says something. the way im starting to miss being in love again says something. the way i would always want some sort of relationship—even when i identified as aroace—but just never thought it would happen bc i didn't feel pretty enough, or mentally well enough, deserving of one, or like id ever be lucky enough to find someone who makes me feel that way again and how scared and sad that makes me,,,says something.

now in terms of poundtown—legit dunno. closest to that I've done w anyone was neck kisses from my ex, which i did really enjoy—but also i legit identified as ace like the whole time we were together and the few times he made jokes like that i felt uncomfy. plus the only way i feel i could be ok w going further w something like that is if its either excessively gentle or the most unserious thing ever. so tbh if i had to take a guess on how i feel abt that—not too keen on it.

I'm debating a couple labels, bi, aroace, bi and ace, demirose, and demirose and bi, but tbh i feel bi kinda fits the most? (maybe???) but also it doesn't. idk if its the fear of opening my mind to me being in a relationship despite my fear of intimacy and commitment or just that I'm aroace and this is my brain telling me to stop overthinking shit—but i know i wanna figure this shit out

if anyone has like legit any words of advice PLEASE send it my way. i will take even the tiniest crumb of guidance cause i am more lost than a child in ikea.

thanks to anyone who read all this <3

[pers-eids]

i miss my mommy.

i’m twenty-two years old, and i miss my mommy.

maybe it’s because i’m finally moving out, moving on, and this is the last chapter of my childhood that is left, and it’s ending. it’s ending, but not of my own volition; i would stay young forever, if i could, and watch over my brother and sister while they play, and make simplistic lunches for the three of us, because the responsibility always fell to me, and i could try to protect them better than i did. than i have.

i miss being four, before the first of my siblings was born, and knowing with absolute certainty that my mother was mine; that she loved me, that i was her little girl, that she was my mom and nobody else’s. i wasn’t especially jealous as a child—i never fought for her attention, not that i remember, because i was old enough to understand that a baby was the priority. i wasn’t jealous, or overly dramatic, but there came a time in my childhood when the responsibilities of a mother were pushed on to me, and suddenly i was to nurture, to comfort, to protect. she fed them, changed diapers, played out the legal requirements that come with parenthood; all the physical things i couldn’t do because i was too young. i’m convinced if i’d been older then that would’ve been part of my role as well: to provide. suddenly i was all of these things, and the mother that i’d previously had just…disappeared. it wasn’t like she’d never existed, because i saw her here and there in smaller increments, but the mother that i grew up knowing—that held my hand and dolled me up and dropped me off at preschool and raised me the way only a mother ever really could—she wasn’t mine anymore.

i learned about sex in elementary school, as was apparently common amongst my peers, and i knew the word ‘rape’ at nine or ten. what i should’ve known, if my mother hadn’t been so negligent, was that the game i’d been talked into playing several times with the neighbor girl my age was actually assault. my understanding of rape at so young an age was that it was always violent, and it was always done by men to women. i had absolutely no idea that what my little neighbor had done was considered rape. no idea whatsoever. my grandmother, the one on my dad’s side, had always made it clear that children should know the in’s and out’s of their bodies. my christian mother had always despised the idea, just as she despised my father’s mother, and sometimes i want to blame her for what happened to me. if she hadn’t been such a goddamned prude, if she had only explained what intimacy was, and that it was only ever done by consenting adults, i know i likely would have told someone before i completely lost my chance.

then, of course, there’s the events that have occurred between my mother and the other members of my family. there’s the abuse, the narcissism, the neglect, the gaslighting, the hate speech. there’s my two younger siblings who look to me as their mother, who’ve accidentally called me ‘mom’, who have no emotional connection to her. there’s the time she hurt them, the meals they’ve gone without, the danger she’s put them in. there’s my dad, who was a victim to her reign of terror, who loved her despite it, who looks at her now and sees nothing of the woman he loved but still feels guilt for talking badly about. there’s the years of trauma that i am still trying to unpack, to make sense of; screaming matches, weapons being pulled, hissed voices, threats, flinches, hate, hate, hate. there’s the way my mother looks at me like i’m delusional, like i will never know myself the way i claim to, like it’s absurd i ever could. there’s the life i stripped from her by being born, whether it was her choice or not, and the fact that i am two years older than she was when she had me.

i miss my mommy. i regret so much, for the both of us, because a part of me still loves her, will always love her, even through all the pain i have had to endure because of her choices. i no longer believe in god, but i pray for her to whoever will listen, because i know when she prays for me it is with a name i no longer use. i pray she finds herself again, and spends the rest of her life begging my forgiveness, because i want her. i want her to love me, to like me, to see me; it is a type of want that fills up the black, rotted mass of weakened muscle behind my broken ribs, and it is far too great a beast to ignore. i want my mommy. i miss her. it’s as simple a statement as anything, yet i cannot dare to confess it to her face, much less utter it from the tongue she made me.

e.p

[id-rather-be-an-outsider]

My Ex

summary: Mikaela Reid reflects on a past relationship that damaged her psyche.

word count: 620

a/n: this was a very fun challenge suggested by one of our amazing group members! the song I picked is called Trust, listen here! Without further ado, enjoy!

“not only that, but you fucked with her head // you broke her trust and she wish she was dead”

I trudge through the woods and reflect on the words of a fellow survivor. He’d said, “You don’t trust people, yet you’re so eager to please people and teach.” It was Adam who’d said it. He was right, I suppose. I don’t trust people. But how can I? I can’t even trust myself.

Imposter syndrome practically lives in me. Before I came to the Fog, I told my best friend, Julian, that I felt like a hack. That I wasn’t the storyteller I thought I was. That my interest for all things strange, and the beauty I found in the darkness was just me overcompensating. Even now, with the physical evidence right in front of me, I still can’t trust if teaching the other survivors my methods is me wanting to share just to help, or if somehow, I’m secretly being selfish. How? I don’t know how. But it feels like it.

The self-doubt had started when I was younger, and worsened when I lost my dad, but as time heals all wounds, so too does it heal a broken spirit. Except mine didn’t. Not until I moved in with Julian after a bad breakup. He nursed me back to health. Not physically. Emotionally. My ex was… a scumbag, to say the least. He cheated on me more times than I can count on my own two hands, and even when I had the evidence right there, he could convince me otherwise.

Convince me I was just jealous, that I was crazy, that I was insecure and didn’t want him to leave me because my dad was the only person who loved me and he was gone. The fights were full of him screaming at me, me crying, me begging him to please stop lying to me, that we could work through things if he’d just be honest and work on himself, and he’d tell me that everyone thought I was crazy and I should’ve realized that I was the problem when nobody came to help me. That I must be the one cheating, otherwise why would I be so paranoid about him? And somehow, I always found myself in the guilty position, even when I knew I’d done nothing wrong. I found myself apologizing for being upset with his actions. One day, I couldn’t take it anymore.

I started having… thoughts. Scary thoughts. Not thoughts like the stories I would tell in high school, but… really dark ones. About how easy it would be to disappear. That no one would notice, or even care. It terrified me. But Julian was my light at the end of the tunnel. He sent me a text, and all it said was, “Are u ok? I’m worried abt u. Luv u bestie, please text me back <3” Something told me to call him. So I did, when my ex wasn’t home to hear. He was always jealous of Julian, no matter the fact that me and Julian were like siblings. “Hello? Mik? Is that you?” Julian had said. I broke down in tears, telling him everything, and he said we would come get me.

I miss Julian. Adam reminds me of him, in a way. Nothing physical, they look very different from each other. But the tenderness they use to talk about life lessons and hard truths is the same. I’m not so standoffish as to never speak to anyone, like Najma is. She only has one friend here. But I probably don’t interact with people as much as I should. Nevertheless, I’m glad I can call Adam a friend. He reminds me of home, and I need that here. Even if I can’t trust myself, I can at least trust him.

[gretakatharinaa]

To date or not to date?

Summer is coming and so is the possibility of dating. Obviously, nothing is holding people back from dating in every other season, it’s just that summer symbolises a certain start of something new. Maybe that new thing is a vacation, maybe it’s a romance and sometimes, it may be both.

Although Germany has had a rather moody start into scorching temperatures, there have been some days and weekends that felt like summer. This weekend, for example, was half tanning season and half swimming lesson.

Needless to say, I took the chance of sunshine and as I attended a public viewing, a little town party and a soccer game; not only did I see and talk to my friends, but also people I haven’t seen in years. Something about meeting people from your past is ironically refreshing.

I had planned and looked forward to hearing about their relationships or dating life when I started asking myself: How do people date?

When I talked to someone about the ideal dating situation, we quickly came to the consensus that the ideal dating situation is to not date. No car that picks you up, no tight dress that you just want to throw in the corner of your flat after dinner and no forced talking about topics that are interesting, but only talked about because who goes into the nitty gritty in the first hours of getting to know someone?

Still, the classic structure of dating has its merits. A few months ago, I agreed to go on a date that checked all the boxes. Getting picked up at my place, the car door being opened, the little black dress and even smaller bag (that only fit my card and my cigarettes) the dim lighting and expensive food. The conversation was going, we talked about philosophers and philosophies, let each other finish their sentence and didn’t go above two drinks each. After, he drove us to a spot from which you could see the whole city, gave me a blanket as we smoked and enjoyed the view. When he took me home, I thanked him for the evening and for his effort before I tossed my dress on the floor and asked myself if that was how things are supposed to go.

Surely, this type of dating cannot be too wrong if that’s what’s been done over generations, so why wasn’t I convinced?

So a few days ago, the guy I talked to about the perfect non-date had made some points I not only agreed to, but have been thinking ever since I started dating.

The first one being the forced conversations: While nobody forced me to talk about philosophy that night, I knew I only talked about it because he brought it up and from what I knew about him, I knew he only brought it up because he knew it would be an easy way to impress.

Secondly, the fancy restaurant with over the top prices was picked out to underline the elegance and standing of the whole night and I played my role by dressing differently than usual.

And the confusion I felt once the door closed behind me and I was finally able to change was brought up by the fact that I had a perfect evening -that is, on paper- while it was not at all what I had desired.

So, back to the present: As I was tossing and turning all night on Saturday, I did the one thing that cements not being able to sleep for good: I took a trip down memory lane.

I mentally revisited all the times I was on non-dates and how I felt after coming home. Not only was there no tight dress to unzip, there was no conversation that was forced, no pressure or expectations. The best dates I’ve ever been on consisted of sitting on benches, going to shitty bars or walking through the rain while sharing headphones (it was just as cheesy as it sounds and it was perfect). As I thought of those nights, a warm feeling overcame me, one that was missing every time I went on a date-date. I realised that those non-dates also had the habit of just happening, as opposed to being planned or forced. They naturally emerged simply because you met someone somewhere and decided to meet again, just the two of you. It wasn’t asking out and it wasn’t not asking out. It just was.

And that is what I felt like this past weekend and what I feel like every summer. The possibility of things just being.

[hismercytomyjustice]

Jesus Christ writing dance scenes is fucking HARD. I’m pretty happy with how they’re turning out but SWEET WOUNDED JESUS I am not a dancer and I know fuck all about it.

…god the amount of fucking research I have yet again done for a crack fic…

I say this like I should even be remotely surprised at this point. That train left the fucking station so fast it’s like it was never even in it.

Fucking hours and hours and hours of research.

And the worst part? I HAVE LOVED EVERY SINGLE SECOND OF IT.

One of the things I love most about researching (aside from having an excuse to seek out and hoard absolutely fucking pointless information) is that it always gives me so many fucking ideas that I then get to try to weave in.

I will be SO SAD when the research for this fic comes to an end. It has been SUCH A JOY.

That is until I fucking start on the even crack-ier part three.

Because I’ve already decided I’m writing more shit that is WILDLY self-indulgent and ~nobody~ can fucking stop me!!!! Write the stupid crack you wanna see in the world amirite?

Fuck I have the absolute STUPIDEST idea for a plot and scene for part three and that alone is driving me to keep going. I just need to finish part two so I can be FREE. I am SO CLOSE to being finished. I really hope I finally finish it tomorrow.

Honestly idk what people are gonna think of it. It’s my first attempt at writing from Alastor’s POV and I’m also doing some shit I’ve never done before that idk how people will respond to it. BUT NOTHING VENTURED NOTHING GAINED. And I’m so proud of it and tbh that’s all that really matters, isn’t it?

…I still also gotta finish writing my BG3 fic to…BUT I have a few weeks of buffer on that so…. I’m feeling the urge to throw some more words down on it too, so hopefully I’ll be able to wrap it up soon. It is so fucking close to being done. Maybe another 15k-20k words. I can knock that out pretty quick if I get in the zone. And I already have it planned out. Jesus Christ is it gonna wind up being 100k??? SOMEONE SAVE ME FROM MYSELF.

Fucking hell it has hit 90 subs tho and that is such a wild fucking number and it just blows me the fuck away. Like 90 people like this fic enough to want updates as it comes out?! FUCKING FOR REAL?! There are N I N E T Y people out there who were like “ooh yeah I wanna keep reading this” and it’s something I wrote (?!) and if I think about it too much I get a little panicky but I am also so fucking grateful and humbled that my silly story has pulled in so many people and I feel so fucking #blessed about it all.

(ಥ﹏ಥ) I keep half expecting to check my stats and see everyone has come to their senses and unsubscribed, but it hasn’t happened yet and the number keeps going up and omg omg omg!!! It is UNREAL and SO FUCKING AMAZING!

God I still cannot believe how much fucking fun I’m having writing again after becoming pretty much convinced I might never be able to feel that way again. I was so scared that spark in me had finally fucking died or something and I was so depressed about it. BUT IT DIDN’T! It feels like a fucking dream. I love it so much. I have wanted to feel this way again about writing for so fucking long and it’s finally back and I’m terrified I’ll lose the excitement again but I’m really hoping I can stave off my OCD and keep going. I really don’t want to lose it again. I just want to keep writing and enjoying it whether it’s fanfic or original stuff or otherwise.

GOD I FUCKING MISSED WRITING SO FUCKING MUCH.

I know I am being WILDLY fucking obnoxious and annoying about it and my OCD keeps telling me to SHUT THE FUCK UP about it because I am probably driving people nuts, making everyone on the face of the planet hate me, etc etc etc. But that’s why I gush so much on here about it because I figure no one has to fucking read this shit unless they for some unknown reason actually would want to and people can mute and unfollow and block me if they are at their wits end but I hope putting most of my unhinged ramblings under cuts makes it so I’m only like 50% ridiculously obnoxious instead of 100% but who fucking knows. I would not blame a soul for getting sick of seeing my username popping up on their dash when I am in a hardcore rambling or reblogging mood.

I am just so fucking incandescently happy about it all and I am trying SO HARD not to drive the people in my life insane by talking about how excited I am to be writing again nonstop so I’m just talking to myself nonstop on here instead and just letting myself fucking enjoy the process and the excitement I have around it all. And god I KNOW I AM BEING SO FUCKING OBNOXIOUS despite everything but my therapist has also been encouraging me to just feel my feelings without judgment so… FEELINGS. They are being felt! Hopefully only 50% obnoxiously for any innocent bystanders.

Idk why it is so much easier to journal regularly on tumblr than on Penzu or elsewhere but it is and it’s working for me and if it makes everyone on the face of the planet block my annoying ass, so be it. I already spend too much of my fucking life second guessing every single thing I say or do and I’m gonna take my cringe wins where I fucking can. And I feel less self-conscious and annoying yelling into the void of tumblr, SO HERE WE ARE.

Fffffuck you OCD! (ง •̀_•́)ง I will also take my little mental illness wins where I fucking can, goddammit!!! And idk why venting about it on tumblr helps so much but it fucking does so. VENT I SHALL.