#just wanna fucking disappear tbqh

[rinnysmuses]

and im having a panic/anxiety issue

im crying

i feel sick

i want my house back to just me and my husband.

i dont want to host this god awful holiday because nothing is the same ever since losing my gramma and it feels awful and i cant fucking enjoy it anymore.

I HATE EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW]

[ashlinnjarnheim]

INDEFINITE HIATUS.

Fun fact: I’ve been trying to write this for over forty minutes, and nothing good is coming out of it, so I’ll just do what I do best and talk nonstop about my problems while trying to tell you about something (mildly?) serious. Maybe that’ll help. 

For those who don’t know, my main account, tyrionslannister – the one I had for almost three years and which contained most of my writing work, none of it backed up because I’m apparently really stupid – got terminated on the 8th. Tumblr emailed me back on Monday, but due to a problem with my email address, I don’t believe I’ll be getting it back, so I’ve been working on letting go of my hope lmao 

That blog was many things, but, most of all, it was my escape from real life. Lbr, roleplaying always helped me with that, and when I finally came to Tumblr I felt like I’d found a whole new world (Aladdin reference intended). I never thought I’d someday come here to say ‘hey everyone, thanks for the memories, but my time has come and I must leave’. At some point, this website became a priority in my life.

And I didn’t realize that until last friday, when I lost everything. Okay, it would’ve probably hurt either way, but it shouldn’t have sent me spiraling into one of the most awful anxiety crisis I’ve ever had. And I shouldn’t have been stressing over it for the past week. Losing work is awful, but as the person behind it, I know I can do everything all over again. I shouldn’t have treated it like the end of the world. Yet, here we are, and I’m being dramatic online again. Sigh.

The reason I’m writing this is: I entertained the idea of starting over with a new blog. I mean, I could do it all again. I could set up new themes and char blogs and continue playing all my beloved plots and ships, and I’d eventually forget about what I’d lost, or at least stop suffering over it. I could redo all my replies (ugh, I’d finally answered everyone after months, and then everything disappeared, because my life’s just that great). 

I could do that. But I won’t. 

I don’t know how many people know about this, but just a couple months ago I was rejected by my dream uni. That meant I had to do what I dreaded the most, and go back to school. My classes started last Monday, and that’s when I finally realized: I won’t manage it. Redoing replies, char blogs, the main blog itself... It’d take a lot of work and time I won’t have to spare. I have to actually focus this time, because if I have to do another year of school after this... Eek. Let’s not talk about that. 

With that said, I almost never gave up a plot before. And, tbqh, I don’t want to give up all of them. I love my characters as if they were my children. (Ok, maybe that’s an exaggeration. I wouldn’t know, I don’t have kids.) So I won’t say I’m quitting, but I’ll be putting them on hold... For which will probably be the longest of times. 

I’m not sure about that, because I’m unpredictable as shit and it’s very possible for me to come back in a month and say, “you know what, fuck it” and just start rebuilding, but this termination has given me a new perspective, by which I mean it showed me I gotta get a grip on my life. I am almost sure I’ll be here reblogging ship insp and sending you drabbles from time to time, because this girl does not live without her drabbles. (I won’t post them privately on Tumblr this time, though. Who knows what they can do with this account.) But I can’t promise to be an active partner, at least not for the next 10 months or so. And that’s a hell of a long time, which is why I understand it if you wanna drop our plots. 

Aaaaand, while I don’t have time for Tumblr (so many things for me to set up!), I also don’t live without a few threads. So, if you’re the kind of person who plays through WhatsApp, *wink wink*. Hmu. We can work things out. (Although I’ll probably only answer monthly or some shit because I’m an AWFUL human being. God, I’m sorry.) 

Additionally, to partners & mutuals I just tagged here because I love talking to and don’t wanna lose contact, if you ever wanna hit me up but don’t know where else to find me (I deleted Tumblr from my phone, so I’ll also take a while to answer IMs here eep), I’m _laurahi on both Twitter and Instagram, laurahi8 on Pinterest, and  hissnake 🐍#8651 on Discord. And, of course, you can always message me for my number. :)

@berensaats @yas-suo @scumbag1x1 @shierazade  @monique1x1 @harleysqvinn @bellawrits @dandelionsx @hxzel1x1 @lullyandher1x1 @stefanosvalentinis @nahshedidnot @hopeplots @glimmrglcss @thelovelyonewitch @06thelovers @capituwrites @yujuus @livplots @sammyroleplays @goldrosc @latristereina

[deathdevotion]

☄☼☀♨✿

ask meme things. please.

☄ — Have you ever been in the middle of drama?

not necessarily directly, and not in tumblr rp. discord rp, ya, but that happens when you join a certain amount of rp servers tbh. nothing interesting of note off the top of my head, anyways

☼ — How long do you stay mad?

not for any longer than a day, maybe an hour or two at most where i’ll continue to be sore over something for a bit. might talk abt it with some friends, might not, idk!!

☀ — What's your rp pet peeve?

ocrp’s obsession with faceclaims. it’s fucking creepy, tbqh. seeing minors used as faceclaims (billie eilish comes to mind) is HORRIBLE, and you’ll see so many people go “uhhhhh can i get a harry styles to my elle fanning :3 :3 :3″ and its like. where’s the line between your oc and the person in question? Where Is It?

i use faceclaims myself but my characters are their own people, separated from those faces. your characters should be as well.

other than that, super heavy formatting? and themes that blend dark colours/are eyeburny/are too fuckin small..... i can’t see shit my guy...... take your 30x30 px icons and your deep fried aesthetic somewhere else.... pleas,e

♨ — Have you ever made a public call out post?

no, and i probably never will. jokingly i wanna say its bc i dont interact with crackheads but the real answer is that everyone i’ve interacted with in the short time i’ve been rping on tumblr is just so sweet ;v;

✿ — What do you think about public call out posts?

a necessary evil, but i won’t spread any unless i go through the callout post itself. like, “this person disappears a lot / ghosts / etc” will probably do the opposite effect and i’ll just unfollow whoever made it. “this person is a pedophile / solicits minors / harasses muns” and has verifiable proof then yeah, i’m spreading it. generally my consensus is: “if it’s related to how someone rps, ignore it”.

[shatteredxglass]

Should You Fight Elias Hawke? (2003 Verse)

Again the answer is definitely a: Probably Not If You Like Living but let's go over the pros and cons list anyway.

Pros

If you live you get bragging rights on that.

Elias is very very pretty so if you're into getting your ass beat by pretty boys, there's that.

His anger issues are more prominent so if you're willing to risk it, you might be able to piss him off enough to throw him off his game

There are no other pros tbqh, 03 Verse Elias is ah...yikes my guy.

Cons

Basically all the pros from his brotherhood verse disappear because getting changed into a Chimera not only increased his physical strength and stamina- it helped to mitigate a lot of his health issues minus a few things (heart problems, asthma).

03 Elias has a lot more training for physical combat in this verse after becoming a Chimera- so he can and will snap your neck in like 3 seconds.

Will absolutely maul you in his Chimera form- not only do his fingernails become talons but so do his toe nails. His grip and beak are also strong enough he can crush through bone.

Still has Minim! Minim is still scary!

There is absolutely nothing holding him back in this verse. Murder is the only option 100% of the time and mercy does not exist in his vocabulary.

You still have to deal with his alchemy as well.

His anger is also a con because yes you can piss him off enough he's not really strategizing anymore but also now he is 100% determined to kill you! And he will not stop unless you kill him first : )

Spars with Roa and Ulchi on the daily and has a decently high win streak. There's a reason Greed primarily uses him as a bouncer.

So in conclusion, if you wanna fight 2003 verse Elias, you can! I just hope you are ready to Fuck Around and Find Out.

[dont-offend-the-bees]

I'm just kinda thinking a lot tonight and I kinda wanna share a bit of what I'm thinking with you guys if that's cool.

Tbh, I'm not in a super great place this week. My hand pain's back with a vengeance, knee pain's come to join the party and I haven't slept properly in like 5 days, and tbqh, one of the only things that gets me through some days is knowing how many cool and lovely people I have in my life now because if I was as lonely now as I was, like, this time last year, I honestly might not even be around to write this. I shouldn't be writing this at all, actually, what with the hand pain, I'm kinda painstakingly typing it on my phone but I just feel like I've been stuck in my head for a week and I need to get just a couple of things out.

I'm kinda mad. I'm kinda mad that just when I feel I've rediscovered a bit of my passion for writing and motivation to do anything even slightly physical my body's just up and betrayed me. I'm kinda mad that despite finally getting on new meds and being more functional than before I can still barely muster the motivation to do what I need to survive. I'm mad that I'm always tired and there's never enough goddamn hours in the day. And I'm mad that so many of my good friends, whose demons I would fight with my bare hands if I could, have to deal with unfair problems too. I'm mad at myself for not always being able to help, or even listen long before I start feeling crushed, and mad at the universe for putting us all in this situation.

I have no idea what comes next. I don't know where my life is going now, how I'll get out of bed tomorrow, whether my hands will get better or stop me from writing altogether. But I wanna say if you've ever messaged me and not had a reply, if I disappear for long periods without warning, that it's entirely on me. Sometimes I flake out, sometimes my hands hurt too much to keep up with the messaging, sometimes I'm not mentally present enough to form a coherent reply and sometimes I just fucking f o r g e t cuz my brain is a sieve. But I wanna say right now that if I could wish away all my pains and problems right now I'd wish away all of yours first. If you were sad I would write you a 100k epic just to make you smile. I'd write for all of you all day, every day if I could. I'm sorry that I can't do all the things I want to. I'm sorry I can't be what you deserve.

[salzspektrum]

GOT Tag Game

I was tagged by the lovely @starkdelinquents thanks! :)

Rules: Answer the questions and then tag seven people.

The First Char I Fell In Love With: pretty sure it was Arya and then Jon

A Char I Never Expected To Love As Much As I Do Now: Cersei lmao slay me lioness burn them all I love you bby <3

A Char Everyone Loves That I Don’t: I really couldn’t give less shits about Bronn tbh?? Like?? Why is he actually still around?? Why does a tertiary character get to have so much screentime but House Martell?? WHO??? okay look I’m pretty indifferent to him but I’m pissed that the writers think he’s THAT relevant but then they slaughter House Martell and kill Rickon and like w h y i h a t e y o u c a n y o u s e e h o w b i t t e r i a m

A Char I Love That Everyone Else Hates: I really love Tywin?? he is really compelling, Charles Dance was one of the best actors this show ever got to have, he was an evil mastermind of a different sort and he was a cleverly written villain not like Ramsay who was just a sadist like... where’s the c o m p l e x i t y

A Char I Used To Love But Don’t Any Longer: I used to love Sandor but now I’m just like?? you’re fine I guess #cleganebowl get hyped...

A Char I Would Kiss: M A R G A E R Y L I K E H O L Y F U C K also Robb bc  Y E S

A Character I Would Slap: *names 70% of the characters* okay so I would slap Petyr for being a disgusting manipulative pedo who basically ruined the country bc he was friendzoned, Varys for mutilating children just so that they can be his little birds, Cersei for being a shitty mother and for fucking her brother and therefore risking many lives, Jaime for pushing Bran out of the window and for fucking his sister and therefore risking many lives, Tywin for being the main reason why his 3 children are all so Fucked Up, Tyrion for treating women like shit, Stannis for ~human sacrifice, Jorah for sexually harassing a 14-year-old and constantly lusting after her, Sandor for basically doing the same tbh, Robert for his sense of entitlement when it comes to Lyanna and for raping Cersei and who knows how many other women, Gregor for his simple disgusting existence tbqh, Ramsay for being the definition of Human Garbage, Rhaegar for being a complete narcissistic idiot and starting a fucking war bc he thought his child had to be ~The Chosen One, I also wanna collectively slap the Greyjoy brothers except for maaaybe not Aeron bc he seems to be less trash than the others, etc.....wow these are all shitty people lmaoooo #grey characters

A Character I’d Want To Be Like: .....but I don’t wanna die.....for real tho, I love Arianne a LOT, it would be kinda awesome to be like her...#goals..Asha is also kinda goals but I’d rather be a badass sexy princess in Dorne than a badass warrior who spends 100% of her time on the sea

A Character Who Makes Me Laugh: honestly Stannis and Dolorous Edd have some of the best lines in ASOIAF I kid you not, it’s actual brilliance

A Character I Miss: all the dead Starks including pre-asoiaf Starks, Cat before she turned into a merciless zombie and disappeared in the show bc the writers hate her, well I can’t miss Arianne since she never appeared in the show LMAO, Doran bc he DESERVED BETTER unpopular opinion: out of the main shady bitchez in Westeros Doran is my fave bye, Joffrey simlpy bc I miss having an asshat teenage king be the main threat instead of ancient frozen creatures with the power of necromancy tbh, it was simpler times back then

A Pairing I Love: okay so I’ll basically just name all my ships..cool? cool. Jaime x Brienne, Jygritte, Gendrya, Sansaery, lowkey Throbb and Jonmund tbh, Rickeen, Brojen is cute too, but I also kinda like Breera in the show so idk, Danyara is goals but will never happen, Missandei x Grey Worm, Sam x Gilly, Ned x Cat, Renly x Loras aka the only canon queer couple and they’re both dead and just subtext in the books wow and the most important OTP: C E R W I N E

A Pairing I Don’t Like: imagine shipping the stark kids with each other like...w o w

Tagging: @patethenovice @ripley-stark @nightsky7ibra @metaforkel @accidentalkate @frogspears @margaerry

[poppymadness]

I am back! Again! Hello my friend! Ashley is an interesting guy, as are you. I'm really happy right now??? For you guys??? I'm so happy you guys exist and that you exist together, WHAT YOU WROTE ABOUT EACH OTHER IS SO WONDERFUL I HOPE YOU BOTH FEEL SO LOVED AH. I know you said Magiano was your fave, but who else do you love in TYE?

AND IK YOU GUYS ARE SOULMATES but do you plan on being.. together (? I guess that’s how I should word it?) forever? 

WELCOME BACK FRIEND! I am glad that our love brings you joy.~ As for the latter question, we do indeed plan on our lives being entangled with each other’s presence to the very day our souls disappear from the universe (why did I feel like wording it like that). In fact (oh my god I think we did this in the first year of knowing each other actually) we have planned on living together till the day we’re in our eighties rocking peacefully in our rocking chairs and then death carries its way upon us and we die together, simultaneously, making dying whale noises. Which, dying whales noises are these weird as fuck noises we would make together unto which we can not do anymore and it saddens us deeply. But maybe the ability will come back when that moment comes. (I’m wording everything so weird and ridiculous forgive me)

AS FOR TYE. oh man. see….I have another fave that can be found there. In this book series. Who I barely talk about. But I love her SO fucking much. And that, my dear friend, is the god damn death quEEN, Maeve Corrigan. Do I know why I love her? Not entirely. But she could fucking kill me and I wouldn’t be mad. At all. she’S SO PRETTY TOO GOD FUCK EXCUSE ME WHILE I GO BAWL. Currently she’s the only fictional fave I have that’s a girl and just god damn. I need more girl faves tbqh. LISTEN THERE’S SOMETHING ABOUT HER THAT’S JUST SO DAMN NICE. I love her. I’m happy her and Lucent are all good and dandy they loVE EACH OTHER SO MUCH THEY BOTH DESERVE IT WOW OK. altho I still kinda wanna steal her from Lucent lol so sorry orz

He’s not a fave but I love Teren. So much. I HATED HIM IN THE FIRST BOOK. I WAS ABLE TO TOLERATE HIM IN THE SECOND. AND THEN I JUST BOOM, RIGHT NEAR THE BEGINNING OF THE THIRD, I WAS JUST, I LOVE THIS MAN. Teren’s a good guy I can’t I love him why’d he have to die like this is just not fair (I just had fear there wow me can you grammar). I also love Sergio tbh. Sergio’s a great guy. I wish there was a bit more of him tbh. tbh tbh tbh. Also just ?? Adelina is such a bitch sorry whoops but I don’t hate her I wish I did damn Marie Lu and leaving me so conflicted.

[survivorsolomonislands]

Episode 7 “a clusterf*ck of paranoia”- Daisy

WEFUC K WE  SDFEDSX JUST VTOTED OUT KAREN FUCK AND I'M TRYNA RALLY OUR SPIRTS SBACK UP AND THEN ISAAC STARTS REMOVIN PEOPLE'S GRASSY ASSES FUCK FUKFCJD FUFK FUCK WE FEDS THIS HAS GOT TO BE A FUCKING MERBE A MERGE AT 14 HOLY GOLLY GOSH GOOD MOLLY MOSH WHAT THE FUCKDJX FUCK FUCK FKPDSOF I NEEDED MORE TIME FRIFODKF FCK

(a little bit later)

I'VE BEEN DYING TO MEET JOHNNY AND I FINALLY DID AND HE'S FUCKING EVERYTHING I'VE EVER FUCKING WANTED IN LIFE HE CALLS ME HOMIE AND I SWEAR TO GOD HE'S NOT LIKE EVERY OTHER FRAT BOY YOU'VE MET HE'S BEAUTIFUL AND GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD WITH HIM BUT I ALSO WANT TO KILL HIM AND STRANGLE HIM BUT I FUCKING LOVE EVERY SECOND OF THE EXPERIENCE I LOVE HOW MUCH I HATE HIM

https://youtu.be/JNaS_mOM3yY

first off rest in peace karen i thought you were supposed to be good since you play so much but.. i suppose the mighty power of the chicken wing is not a force in tumblr survivor. anywho, so we switched like everyone expected but for some reason everyone thought it was a fun idea to freak out and be like "omg is it merge???" "WHATS GOING ON" "I DONT UNDERSTAND" ctfu yall literally knew damn well what was happening. its final 14 like it aint rocket science. as for my tribe, ive said it before and i will say it again - I HATE PURPLE!!! GET ME OUT OF HERE!!! it is just not flattering against my skin tone and that is literally my number one concern at the moment. that might insult those who play this game like its life or death but to me... this is a very big aspect of my luck in the game. every time (literally not even joking) i get some ugly ass color, im fucked thats just the way it is and the weird blue that luca insists is cyan - get a crayon set pls - was working just fine for me! i was slayyyyinngggg without doing anything meaningful which is all that matters to me since its really fun watching people go crazy while i just sit here eating my nuggets in the break room. current thoughts of my tribemates and fellow one worlders: johnny - king of making final 2's and being in a frat. a dumbass who spilled his entire game once we swapped and got ratted out the second he did. stupid stupid stupid! i need him as a number tho so i cant be hasty with my opinions tho so like a 6/10 dana - has a paper to write. thats all i got right now 4/10 l.a. - A LITERAL FUCKING GODDESSSSSSS! all of the rookies should be bowing at her feet for trying so hard to make them safe cause if i was her... they would get a stern talking to and no help at all (plus she can clearly count which is more than i can do). 100000000/10 luca - literally victor next (i dont actually think he is victor but this dude is seriously wack like i just do not understand why he had the need to call me a grandma when im not even that old? like where is the residential hag when i need her zzzz. also he said he likes skype emojis and then used the cactus emoji which victor also uses so clearly something fucked up is happening!!!!!!!!) 1-ish/10 mitchell - fake hoe next (tho i do love the flattery so i guess they are right in saying it gets you everywhere cause ya got a ticket right on the bottom - word of the wise btwwww, next time you play pls stop taking advice from ya eggs cause they clearly do not help just ask karen in prejury hehe) 1-ish/10 ryan - king of all things survivor. how has he not won a ts season.... 10/10 allie - is from florida so either an icon like me or is like cole tbd. as luca said, can "air hump" really well??? not really useful info but thats all i got so next??? aro - im the 1. next. daisy - i hate the smell of flowers :| next jacob - legend was tagged in some nice pictures on facebook recently so he can stay. matt - lmao next willow - our friend willow teas? what comes after 6.gif. next. i really do not like talking to people and sadly i must. tho i just finished this one kdrama and it was like 50 episodes and the dad died literally in the last half hour of the entire show.... im crying i really am HE WAS A GOOD FUCKING PERSON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the world is so cruel and so harsh to the loving but so kind to the evil where did we go wrong :'( PPPPPPPS : [4/18/17, 11:29:35 PM] nancy.sweitzer: shut up trump supporter [4/18/17, 11:29:42 PM] nancy.sweitzer: i have receipts of you supporting trump BB i need some food to watch this with so lets have reward hm?

I'm both so happy and scared about this swap. BLESS ULAWA BEING GONE. THAT WAS THE WORST TRIBE. IT DOESN'T DESERVE TO EXIST. But yeah, a few people came to me and were like you carried that tribe and are amazing, and as nice as that is, YOU DON'T WANNA HEAR IT ON SURVIVOR. Cause now I have a huge target on my back for being a "challenge icon". I do not trust Daisy or Aro at all either so I'm worried they will gun for me, but they are both on the other tribe so that's a plus... Maybe, this one world thing doesn't help me there. Now I have to catch up with Jacob, and the rest of the alliance and see where we all stand. I'm trying to set something up with Johnny as well cause we sort of clicked at the start and I need people.

im too sick to carry on. i cant even see the light im too far gone

Hi MTV welcome to my own private corner of Hell. Seriously I guess my burning desire for some action really warranted this swap that put me in a terrible ass position. I love the One World beach because I can wave to literally every single person I was working with as they wear their Makira buffs with pride and I am stuck with all Rookies and Zak! The only people I know are Zak and Jacob, and Zak threw Daisy's name out and Jacob says he trusts Daisy so I can't even wrangle all my loose allies to form a little alliance. I'm just going to use my social game to earn favor with people like Willow and Allie so that I can maybe survive juuuuuust long enough to make it to the merge and reconnect with my homies. I'm sort of praying for a miracle, but I'm also going to do whatever I can to survive, and if that means throwing Jacob or Zak under the bus then so be it. I am scrambling like eggs in the morning. Hopefully I can convince people to target Aro for his wishy washy nature and because I have planted the seed that he has an idol, and honestly maybe he does, so I smell a blindside coming up, but if they're not willing to budge then I could be a dead boy walken.

Dana mom doesnt approve of the act of sending nudes but like I don't spread em like seeds in a pumpkin patch (like this swap is doing w my alliance tbqh) or anything not everyone gets to see the goods

(a little bit later)

All right binches here's the tea! Daisy has an idol, and is trying to get people to think aro has the idol bc he made up a lie about a fake idol that he doesn't have, which saved his ass a few rounds back, and Jacob and Allie are saying Aro is sketchy. NOW thats not what I like hearing because Aro is my husband and all, so automatically my Worry Senses are tingling as they usually are it would seem. What I'm tryna do is scrape together a me/willow/aro/Matt majority (since allie apparently doesn't trust aro so I can't trust her) but I suck at approaching people so it sucks that dana and Mitchell aren't on my tribe to help me :( but get for being the least experienced vet in tumblr left in this game I think I'm in a moderately decent position

Well Day 2 of NuNuTemoana is quite interesting, I'm starting to create scenarios that will hopefully put me in a good situation. A) NuNuMakira will throw the challenge and vote out Luca or LA and B) I create an alliance with Willow and Allie and we become the swing votes between Jacob/Daisy and Zak/Aro and if Daisy or Aro have idols they're shooting their bullets at each other and I've got a bulletproof vest. Fingers crossed.

I'm gonna model the rest of my game after Cirie bc boy does she have me fucked up seven ways to Sunday right-about-now o'clock Also I'm not gonna be home again after tomorrow until May except for one day in between so this whole new tribe/quickly approaching merge thing is gonna get really sad for me when I randomly just disappear forever :)

The past few days have been a whirlwind. From uncovering that dirty business with Matt to this One World swap, I find myself in a tribe in which I'm not sure if I can stay safe. It hurts that I can't compete in this next immunity too. I trust Johnny/LA, but as far as the rest? Question marks all over. I like Mitchell a lot, still haven't talked with Dana much, I have no clue about Ryan/Lexi but Johnny says Lexi is tight with him. So I'm really not sure what happens if we lose an immunity here, and winning challenges might be my only shot to stay in the game. So what happens next? No clue.

MMMMHMHMHMHMHMHM YES!!! Willow finally spilled the tea which confirmed our suspicions on Karen :))) now alls I need is Lexi to get the fuck out and I can be satisfied by outlasting all the snakes

So I've officially worked my way into an alliance with Allie and Willow, hopefully they're not playing me and we can actually work towards getting out Daisy or Aro. Now Mitchell wants me to get Daisy out so we can rope in Aro and Zak at the merge but I also have somewhat of a relationship with Jacob from nuTemoana and he seems to have a relationship with Daisy so I am hopefully safely in the middle of this tribe and will be deciding this vote, but there's also a large chance I'm gonna get squashed smack dab in the middle. I mean ideally we win immunity and the other tribe can get out LA or Luca which would be great. I need these rookie numbers thinned like the mints so that I have options if I'm in the merge. I have my Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc. Alliance which is Ryan, Mitchell, and Dana, I have nuTemoana which is Johnny, Jacob, Lex, and Ryan, and I have a possible alliance with Allie, Willow, and Mitchell. Preferably I wanna work with Mitchell because I trust him the most so far. But of course none of these numbers I'm running in my head matter if I can't make it until the merge which is crazy to me.

i wasnt successful in covering up my misery. i dont even know why i said i could do it since the only thing on that entire menu (all of the drink choices included) i actually do enjoy is the oreos so who knows what i was thinking. im going to get voted out i really am

tag yourself. im luca saying he cant compete cause they use blue solo cups instead of red solo cups in his country. isaac is la's roommate not letting her use her waterbottle. andrew is ryan only having glass in his house. pippa is matt actually doing this. stefan is willow beating the crap out of me. IM GOING HOME

Well I couldn't get it done today and that's a little disheartening, I definitely feel like I could be in danger and when you have the chance to save yourself and don't do it it sucks. I guess now my focus is on playing this game for like the first time this season honestly, a lot of things are at stake in this tribal, there's idols there's alliances there's tribe swaps, there's beef in this game, and I feel like hopefully I can shift the attention towards Daisy vs. Aro, but there's also a lurking nuMakira alliance that might form and getting an Ulawa out wouldn't do anything in the long run but I need to play to make it so that I'm safe until tomorrow or else there won't even be a long run. I wanted to be in a position where I could run a marathon but instead I'm like running a relay race tribal to tribal. If I get rid of Daisy Jacob may lose trust in me and join a Makira alliance, but also maybe I'll just join the Makira alliance myself? I mean I told myself I would do what it takes to win, my obligations are to myself at this point, not Temoana not Makira, not Vets, but MESELF. Well who knows at this point what's gonna happen, hopefully my plan works.

MATT STFU CALLING ME OUT IN THE MAIN CHAT YOU MOTHERFUCKER! Literally your ass would not be in this game right now if I didn't win the challenge where we counted in our confessional. The plan was in play, you were going to be gone, we had the numbers, and now you're on a tribe where it's minority veterans, so hopefully Allie and Willow aren't idiots, and they just take out Matt because he's kind of an arrogant prick, but I'm sure that something sketchy is going to happen, and they're going to take out a rookie, probably Aro or Daisy since apparently they're being sketchy motherfuckers. Grrrrrrrr Matt needs to stfu. I still have quotes of him talking about LA, so I might use that to my advantage, but we'll see how this goes for now. I'm not ready for merge and these unpredictable motherfuckers in Allie and Willow.... I have no idea where either of their heads are at. As for my tribe right now, I'm 99% sure that Lex, Ryan and I are in the driver's seat on this tribe, with Luca, LA, Mitchell and Dana all wanting to work with us. I wouldn't mind losing to get rid of Dana, because I really really really want her out, simply because I haven't spoken to her as much, and I'd prefer to have good relationships with everyone once we get to merge, and I don't want anyone to think about taking me out of this game because I don't have a good enough relationship with them, so we'll see for now. Ryan hinted this morning that he'd prefer Mitchell to go home over Dana, but I want Dana to go home, and I wanna keep my brolationship with Mitchell for as long as I can. This is just fuel for fire I can use against Ryan if I have to, to get Mitchell to trust me, since according to Ryan, Mitchell is obsessed with me.. I also won the challenge for my tribe single handedly because I'm the king of this game, and no one is on my level strategically, socially or physically if we're being honest. I just need to NOT be known as that big threat once I get to merge. Time to just pit people against each other and throw shit and sound dumb like I always  do ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Fuck this is so nerve wracking. I hate that I'm at tribal again. And I've recently been really anxious about the fact that L.A. knows I have an idol, and just now I found out that a lot of people know that I have it. Which means L.A. has been telling people. Which also means that I'm kind of screwed. I want to get out Aro because I know how tricky he is and how terrible he is in challenges, but he has the idol and if he plays it I could very well be going home. Plus I'm realizing that I don't really have any solidified alliances with a lot of these people so I could easily be targeted, especially since they think I have an idol. Honestly part of me just wants to play it tonight and get rid of it and get it off my back. Or give it to someone. But if I give it to someone, then other people will still think I have it and I'll still be a target. I could try to split the votes, but that seems kind of aggressive and I don't want to make myself a target if I'm not one already. Ugh, fuck. I wish I had someone to talk this over with.

(a little bit later)

Whew I know I just submitted but I have so many thoughts right now. Aro seems to think things are gonna go along tribe lines and it's gonna be me and him as swing votes. Willow brought up Aro's name to me. I'm nervous that Willow maybe brought up his name to make me feel more secure about it, and maybe I'm the target. Maybe Aro is right and things are gonna go along past tribe lines but I don't really want to work with him. Maybe I could try to split the votes between me and Aro and I'll play my idol and get rid of it. That would be dumb though, right? I hate that we have so little time and that like, no one is online right now. It's so hard to plan. Jacob told me he cast his vote for Aro because he only had a couple minutes before he had to leave and he wouldn't be gone. So theres gonna be at least one vote for him. Unless everyone is lying to me. Fuck I'm so paranoid right now, but I don't know how to figure out if its just paranoia or if there's actually something there. Also I'm trying to seem invested in planning out the vote with Aro so that he doesn't think I'm targeting him, but he could also quote me to others and make them think I'm targeting them. So now it seems like I have Willow, Matt, Jacob, and Allie all voting for Aro with me. Aro wants to target a vet and apparently he's close with Zakriah which means we may want to divert Zakriah too so that he doesn't leak to Aro and have him play an idol. But now I'm worried by suggesting that we divert Zakriah I'm playing too aggressively. Ugh. Aro said he's gonna talk to the rookies and see who they would rather vote for, I told them I'm trying to divert him so that they're not confused or surprised that he says I wanna vote for a vet when I already targeted him. This is a lot to deal with, and we don't have a lot of time. Tbh this confessional is a clusterfuck of paranoia.

Okay so I'm out with friends and don't have time to write a real confessional but I don't wanna get a strike. So if I get home in time I'll write a real confessional yeah

I think for the first time in Survivor history one of my plans is actually working, it seems that Daisy is totally sold that Aro is going and voting me and it's awesome if she ends up getting blindsided as intended. Jacob is getting two votes because he sucks and I want him to know he should be worried, he threw my name out, and he's untrustworthy, even after like I pretended like i was interested in his crush that he talks about at least once a day, it's almost more satisfying knowing that I can flip and get him out if I really wanted to. In fact I have my choice to vote Daisy, Aro, or Jacob, and if I'm not getting played that wold mean I've spun this terrible swap into a great spot for myself, and I love it. See what happens when I get a chance to really play?

I am so screeeeewed. So basically everyone except Daisy and Jacob wants to vote for Daisy but I am about 90% sure this is bs and I am getting set up for a big blindside. Well, it wont really be a blindside now but rip me

Okay so I only really have 13 mins to type out a fuck ton of information. This vote is crazy, so much has happened and we only had a few hours to strategize for this tribal. Anyway originally me and Allie were thinking about voting Daisy bc she told LA she has an idol, but then LA sent screenshots of Aro's idol. So I was panicking for a moment bc I thought it was real, but I talked to people, and he was probably really desperate, so i think were sticking to voting out Aro. I'm just typing out the short version of what actually happened, bc I don't have a lot of time, but basically me and Allie are the swing votes and I hope everything goes as planned.

As we near tribal Im starting to get the teeniest glimmer of hope. Willow, Allie and Matt seems to be pretty interested in working with me. If it goes according to plan its going to be 3 votes Daisy, 2 votes Jacob and 2 votes me. However Im still about 80% sure that Im going to get blindsided tonight so fingers crossed