#just waiting on my insurance to approve it :3 :3 :3

[fxa]

MODAFINIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[canongf]

eddie likes my braces actually!!! he thinks they look good on me and yeah he's excited for the day that i'll get them off but he loves me and thinks i'm pretty now with them on. and the feeling of them doesn't make him want to kiss me any less!!!

[lightningfilledsaber]

Really glad I'm starting testosterone after I cut off my ex "bsf" and their gf because oh boy the "men stinky and evil" gender essentialism they never shut the fuck up about REALLY would've escalated LMAO

[ventdetourment]

ughhhh

[alchemie-tarot]

Material Blessings

Hello! Long time, no pick-a-card. The Universe has sent me a few things to deal with since my last post, lessons and blessings alike. My creative energy is having a new life and I just want to do it for myself and share it with the world. Yes, that includes sharing more of my photography from past travels.

I meant to post this during my bias season, Taurus, but I have been taking it easy with my body, and trusting the timing with it. This pick-a-card is also shorter than my previous ones.

Anyway. Welcome back. You know the drill: Take a breath. Feel free to choose the pile or piles that call out to you. Some details may not feel like it’s for you and that’s because it isn’t, it’s alright, since this is a general reading. Please don’t take it too seriously as well. Nothing is set in stone. 

Pile 1

Cards: 4 of Cups, 10 of Swords (I had a bit of a mind exercise with this message.)

Your material blessing is something that you will receive, but its purpose is to make you realize that something you already have may have been taken for granted. I see that it’s something shiny to you, “a shiny toy,” whether it’s figurative or literal. It may be something that is a bit of a flex somehow. It may also remind you of something that you wanted in the past, maybe as a child, but couldn’t attain then. It will give you that mood boost and yes, you will enjoy it for a time. But, ultimately, you will find that it does not go as deep as you thought it would.

If you feel like something that you have previously enjoyed is losing its luster, even if it has been in your life for a long time, maybe that is a message for you. Is it really rooted in sentimental value, or is it from a fear of lack?

Eventually declining something that is coming your way may sound counterintuitive for a reading about material blessings. But, heed detached feelings and they will remind you of what really matters. Let go of what has served its purpose in your life, especially if they have pointed out what gives you long-term value. Be true to your principles, that you won’t spend your energy on things not aligned with you. Remember that “all that glitters is not gold.”

Pile 2

Cards: 2 of Wands, King of Swords

A business opportunity, specifically a trip to somewhere. A ticket. Could also be a gift coming from a far place. A box of fruits or wine, specifically, for a few. An invitation to a party, again, for a few. For the majority, travel is really emphasized.

It was 2:22 PM when I was interpreting these cards, and this is the 2nd Pile, and this pile has the 2 of Wands. Amazing. You may be getting two things. A double of something, or some combination of the ones I mentioned.

Whatever you will be receiving will grant you access to something exclusive. Opened doors that will basically, I believe, reconcile two separate aspects of your life (your career and family life, for example). They can be anything. Not only will you be let through these gates, but you will be given the keys to hold them.

You need more structure for this material blessing coming to you. To do that, your guides advise you to lean into your duality. Practice and get good at multitasking. You may have to hold two different things that require a ton of responsibility. Do not waver or be intimidated, however. You are chosen because you are wholly capable of doing this. Self-discipline and judgment are your friends.

Pile 3

Cards: 8 of Wands, 7 of Swords

You are about to get news about something pending. Since this is a material blessing, it is about finances, for the majority. A letter, the approval of a loan, insurance, came at the top of my head. Especially if it is something that you have wanted to do for a while, or have been waiting a long time for. Something that will solve your problems.

For some, this is something that you will gain as a reward for being resourceful. It could be an inheritance, or it simply was someone else’s previously. A specific image for a few, but it is something colorful and could appeal to your creativity or inner child.

Once you receive this blessing, you are advised to gather all your smarts in order to make sure it doesn’t slip from your hands. Don’t get complacent. Make a full-proof strategy for this. Bend the rules when you can. Don’t let yourself be distracted by schemes and excuses to use this for a purpose other than its original one, or somehow turn this into something it is not. Be careful not to give in to greed.

Pile 4

Cards: Wheel of Fortune, Page of Coins

A very unexpected gift, perhaps a long overdue one for something good that you have done in the past, that you may not even recall. A big reward for a big risk you took. Something you worked diligently and pushed the limits for, used your creativity and resourcefulness for, everything. And it comes with a bow on top. For a few, it’s something sweet, could be a food treat? This gift translates into some kind of knowledge that not only benefits you, but a lot of other people as well, a community. This gift will start up a web of connections that root from you.

This is not something everybody comes along often. Set tangible goals to ground this. Lead by example and hope, I’m hearing. Your success has a direct effect on the sacrifices and mindsets of this community looking up to you. You will definitely lift them up in some way, perhaps through a gathering. Maybe you will host a party, or a kind of workshop.

Share these blessings of yours, but not at the expense of yourself. The moment you feel that something is amiss, you must withdraw accordingly, and you are encouraged not to feel bad for that. Boundaries must be established and respected.

Thank you for gracing my post with your presence and thoughts. Take care and be happy!

[drdemonprince]

Hello everyone!

It's been almost a year since you all came together as a community to help my very dear friend Eclipse fund his facial surgery and recovery. I am pleased to share that Eclipse's healing from his cyst removal last fall was swift and without complications, that it considerably reduced his pain, barely left any scar at all, and that he had some money left over to pay for rent and supplies for a while afterward. This was a huge shared accomplishment -- thank you, again, from the bottom of both of our hearts. It made more of a difference than I'm even able to share here!

Recently, Eclipse has been able to finally get insurance coverage for a brand new walker (!!) which has considerably improved his mobility and made it possible for him to leave the house more often for outings, and just generally improved his quality of life a great deal. We were able to visit CAKE: the Chicago Alternative Comics Expo together and walk around for hours, which was a real treat. He is also in line to get on disability benefits soon, as well as home health aid coverage, which will vastly improve matters for him and his entire household of queer trans people.

In the meantime, though, Eclipse is in need of some additional help! He needs a total of $600 to make rent on October 1st and cover some recent expenses related to other health issues. These funds will help Eclipse get back on his feet while he waits for a more reliable source of disability benefit income to finally start trickling in.

(As many of you already know, it takes months if not YEARS to get approved in the system for these benefits, and Eclipse has been working toward it for a long time).

Please offer what support you can to my very dear friend, a Black trans guy furry and pillar of the local community. Eclipse is consistently bending himself over backward to look out for his friends and neighbors; he's an inveterate caretaker and giver to his core, and he really could use people to lean on and give back a little, where they can.

Anything you can throw toward this GoFundMe will be deeply appreciated -- every little bit helps. All donations are transferred directly to Eclipse by the GoFundMe site, and are not handled by me at all. I'm just here to give the fund a boost and write updates so my buddy doesn't have to.

Pictured below is Eclipse's new walker and his cat companion, Ted Kat-zynski.

Thank you to all that have donated already, and if you aren't able to support this fund, please consider boosting. Thank you <3

[bebsibby]

The Top Surgery Log

Hello! I got top surgery yesterday! I want to catalogue my experience so I can remember it and provide some insight for people who want it but haven't gotten it yet. I will continue to update this post as my healing goes on. Everything under the read more!

Leading Up

My insurance is with Kaiser which has been an AWESOME experience so far. They do require a therapist letter, so no informed consent, but the process was very simple and there were a lot of people dedicated to getting me what I needed.

I had about 3 therapist meetings where she just asked me questions about my experience with gender and how my transition has gone so far, my support network, can I afford it, etc. Then she wrote my letter, sent it off to the surgical team, and I was approved within a few days!

After that I had my very first consult with the surgeon. He took pictures, did a breast exam, asked about general health and family health history, then gave me a little presentation of the process. It had post up photos of prior patients, a lot of explanations of the types of surgeries available that he does, and a lot of good information in general. He answered a lot of my questions and made me feel fully confident and prepared for the experience.

Also important to note: I told him the surgery I had been wanting ever since I started doing top surgery research was Inverted-T and I was curious of he knew of it/why that WASN'T an option they offered. He explained everything to me and showed me what he expected my results to look like if I DID want to go to a different surgeon outside of Kaiser. Said surgeon does NOT accept insurance, but would work with the insurance side of things to make sure they would reimburse for the expenses. I really appreciate that because it showed me they wanted to do get exactly what I wanted.

Based on all of that, I decided to just opt for Double Incision both to save me time and get a result that was aesthetically more pleasing to me. Loss of nipple sensation is unfortunate, but apparently IT only has the potential to bring a little sensation back, which wasn't worth all the extra hoop jumping for me.

After this consult, my surgeon told me to think about everything then email him a few days later with my decision. I did and then a few days later got my call to schedule. I got to pick my date but not the time of day, as I would later learn that's decided by the hospital and not me. Once my surgery was scheduled, another pre-op appointment was scheduled about a month before the surgery date. That appointment was very short, as it was just signing consent forms and confirming everything I wanted. He also gave me a packet of supplies I needed to get before the surgery.

After that, I'd occasionally receive emails with more pre-op instructions, like when to stop eating and drinking, showering instructions, when to stop certain medication, and how to care for my drains.

The Surgery

The day before surgery I had initially planned to do all of the last minute housework and leave for the surgery the next morning. HOWEVER, when I got my call to tell me the time, it turns I had to be there by 6 AM! The surgery center is over an hour away from me and the bus my wife and I were going to take didn't run that early, so we had to scramble to make other plans. Luckily the friend who was going to drive us back home was cool with us crashing on his floor for the night, so we were able to do the most important things at home then take the bus down the day before.

Once we were all set up for the night, I did the first cleaning routine that I was required to do, set my alarm, then tried to sleep. I didn't get much due to Hard Floor and also excited but that wasn't a biggie because I'd be sleeping again soon LOL.

Next morning I woke up, did my second skin cleansing, and we headed out! I checked in, waited a little in the waiting room, then got called back to start.

Everyone who was working with me was SUPER funny and kind. I got asked more questions, signed another form, took some pre-med tylenol, them stripped to switch into my gown, bonnet, and grippy socks (Got to keep those btw :>) My IV got put in my wrist which REALLY fucking hurt!!!!!! It never stopped aching. After that, the surgeon popped in to check on me and see if I had any questions, then they wheeled me in to the operating room.

I had gotten another premed via IV that was already making me tired, and I remember the last thing being the surgeon saying what to do with my removed tissue once he was done and I was gone!

The surgery itself lasted around four hours, but all I remember is waking up and seeing my wife and friend sitting at the foot of the bed. I said hi to them and that was apparently third time I had said it. I had been up and talking to them for awhile all loopy but also becoming suddenly very serious when talking with the nurses. I've had a few surgeries but I've NEVER been this way after so that was funny. The nurse had also been giving ME all of the postop discharge info and I don't remember it so thats unfortunate! I only remember her talking about the drains. I had to read it all again when I got home but it was all good.

Once I was awake enough, they wheel-chaired me down to my friends car, packed us all up and we headed back home. I napped about half the time but still kept my eyes closed when i was awake and talking bc my vision was still FUCKED and it was so bright out. We got home, I was lead inside, and that was that pretty much! I napped several more times, nibbled on some roast beef, emptied my drains (which made me very woozy, mostly due to the standing) and went to bed!

After Surgery

Day one! I woke up a few times in the night mainly to go to the bathroom, but slept REAL deep otherwise. It rained all night which was awesome. I woke up feeling very achy but not painful except for my throat. Those ET tubes are NOT easy on your body. Took all my meds, got out of bed eventually, and had cup ramen for breakfast. Now I'm just sitting on the couch with all my computer stuff moved from my desk to where I'm sitting. I got a long hdmi cable so I can just watch stuff on the big TV so I'm pretty set up!

My wife just brought me some cookies and overall I'm just feeling really good. Not really excited or emotional about it. Its just a very warm contented feeling.

I don't know what my chest looks like yet since my post-op binder got put on while i was still out, but everything gets removed next week! I'll probably update again after that appointment.

Feel free to ask specific questions! I'll be resting most of the time so I'll just be around!

[lunar-fey]

please help disabled transman have money

howdy, im nate and i hate to be doing this again but well. shits fucked. me n 3/4 of the other people that i live with are disabled, only one is on SSI (my mom), while the rest of us (me, my dad, and my sister) are still working on it. my sister is officially in a work training program, she's making money now but its not much + the one abled person (my other sibling) is also working but yeah. thats not enough for five of us. heres what i have right now - enough for me to get some of my meds refilled.

after almost two years i finally have a diagnosis as fibromyalgia, but who knows if i can get on SSI or how long it will take, i have also been approved for the work program with my sister, but i'm still waiting to get things sorted out and we don't know exactly how long it will take for me to get employed/if it will even be possible.

so, as of now i have no income (if you want to commission me for writing/art/tarot reading/anything tbh those are just what i have experience in please feel free to send a message!) and need money for food, bills, medication, and to cover doc appointments when/if i lose my insurance (they said i would be losing it months ago but its still going for now).

ANYTHING HELPS but i need $150 to pay for bills/meds/other needs for this month.

paypal.me/nat1172

cash.app/$natt1172

ko-fi.com/nfrost

[bitterkarella]

Midnight Pals: Bon Mots

Oscar Wilde: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the tale of the ugly painting Wilde: but first Wilde: some patented oscar wilde bon mots Wilde: the only thing worse than being talked about is Wilde: go ahead, guess Mary Shelley: i ain't playing this game

Oscar Wilde: I hear some of you don't appreciate my bon mots Poe: oh er Poe: it's not that oscar Poe: it's just that Poe: Poe: clive do you want to pitch in here? Barker: no you're doing fine Barker: haha

Wilde: what's the problem? Poe: oh it's not you oscar, it's us Poe: its just that your wit is too droll for this audience Wilde: really? too droll? Wilde: Wilde: you're just saying that to be nice Poe: no! NO of course not

Oscar Wilde: okay okay just give me another chance Wilde: now this bon mot Wilde: this one i think you're gonna like Wilde: [clears throat] Wilde: so why is it that you park on a driveway and Barker: BOOO Wilde: drive on a Barker: BOOOOOOO

Wilde: ok ok just wait Wilde: this next one Wilde: oh boy Wilde: this next one's gonna kill Wilde: you ready for this one?? alright here it comes Wilde: what's black and white and red all over Barker: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Barker: BOOOOOOOO!!! Wilde: [tugging collar] woof tough crowd tonight Wilde: steve must be out sick Wilde: better bring out the big guns Wilde: ok so there's this traveling insurance saleman Wilde: and there's this farmer with these 3 horny daughters

Barker: BOOO Poe: clive Barker: what? he sucks Poe: yeah but Poe: god, for pity's sake, clive Poe: he's dying out there

King: look, oscar, maybe it's just that your style of humor isn't right for this crowd Wilde: what kind of humor do you guys like King: well, we're all horror writers King: so kim newman

Kim Newman: [pulling up in a comically undersized bicycle as 'Entrance of the Gladiators' plays on calliope] DID SOMEONE SAY MY NAME???

Kim Newman: good evening ladies and germs [rimshot] Newman: i just flew in from san francisco and boy are my arms tired [rimshot] Newman: [waggles eyebrow, bowtie spins] Barker: now THAT'S comedy Poe: he's done it again! Koontz: i like THESE bon mots! Wilde:

[y0urn3ighb0rsc4t]

Hey, I've never posted on here before but I don't know what else to do. I'm trying here and reddit.

I want to ask u guys for advice.

Mainly on the topics of:

Dissability(mainly undiagnosed cptsd or bipolar, neurological and possible ortho in my knees) + ptsd and ~fibromialgia~

Remote jobs

OHP

So I have been working at a restaurant that is very busy as a host, bus, where I bus tables and greet people + get them drinks. It's complicated, but long story short my boss got burned by my ex parents (part of the cause of the ptsd and cptsd) and is understanding of my situation with them. She works us on a skeleton crew all year round because of us being in a small tourist town, where the summers are busy and the wunters are a flood of layoffs due to lack of customers. So she keeps on only what she can during the winter ALL YEAR. which when we have 3-4 waitress/host busses for the restaurant with multiple large rooms it is intense on even the most able bodied and minds.

Basically the trade off is he'll in the summer for job security in the winter.

Which i would totally be in for, except my body and brain don't seem to be down for the ride of 36hr weeks >:[

And I'm worsening, fast. Especially with the secuall assaults related trauma, making it increasingly dangerous for me to drive to and from work, which is almost 30 min away.

I want to quit so bad, I technically already have and said that I'll try to work 2-3 weeks more, mostly out of guilt.

The second main problem is that my ohp, oregon Healthcare could be taken from me if I quit a job without already securing another. Which I have not.

I'm going to keep applying to Amazon, and other large companies and a few small ones for a remote job and search a but on the area to for an office job (which would not be ideal, but still better).

But I'm quitting today, school just let out which means even more than what I already have had and I'm pretty sure that I met my replacement yesterday.

I honestly don't know what to do, I'm legally homeless and couch surfing and have to wait a week or two to even try to get my fafsa approved. (Which I might be able to get a job at the community college, IF I take at least one class)

I want to get a degree like paralegal, but thats after I fix my credit.

Lil vent:

It's so frustrating when it feels like my body and mind are holding me back from who I should've been... I should've been the person who worked hard despite her past and made a good savings and future for herself. I'm trying to get into a therapist and pursue a specialist who can help, but if I loose my health insurance I'm screwed. Gods, this sucks.

But seriously, the heck am I supposed to do ʕಠᴥಠʔ

[mylittleredgirl]

OH MY GOD. OH MH GOD. i reached the doctor to have him submit a new script for the 3 x the pill dosage they have available so they can combine the pills to equal my prescribed dose. THEY CANT FILL IT. THE INSURANCE WONT APPROVE 3 PILLS A DAY ONLY 2. ITS LITERALLY THE SAME DOSAGE IM GONNA DRIVE MY CAR INTO A BRIDGE

anyway instead of driving my car into a bridge i reached out to the doctor again and said please submit a lower incorrect dose they might actually fill. please DON’T submit a prior authorization for the correct dose because i don’t want to wait for a week while insurance debates it.

if that fails i guess i could take the other old med i have that treats the same thing but makes me so dizzy i throw up ten times a day?? but it’s pretty irresponsible to drive on it for obvious reasons so i’m in the same position.

anyway this is why america hates the idea of socialized medicine because whenever this happens i remember how glorious it was when i was unemployed in the commonwealth of massachusetts and the state insurance just covered everything for free with no problems. like i could quit and get the medication that allows me to be functional enough to safely get behind the wheel and drive to my job, if i didn’t have a “full time job with benefits.” the benefit is spending my entire day off in withdrawal chasing down this fucking drug i won’t even be able to get.

[planetbeanie]

I got denied for my surgery after I arrived. They said I need anesthesia and I’ll have to wait 3-6 weeks to see if my insurance approves it.

I’ve been in constant pain but trying to keep it together and be strong. I know this probably isn’t the place to post this and I do apologize, I just feel pretty isolated in all this.

At least I had bubbles with me for company

[queenwendy]

Sometimes I get morbidly curious and scroll through the terf tag (bad idea) and half the time it makes me sad but the other half it makes me laugh my ass off because like… they seem to think anybody can walk into a doctor’s office, declare “I am trans!” And just get sex reassignment surgery??? Like, what???? That isn’t how that works at all

I’m a trans woman in the western US, and I am lucky enough to have A) supportive family and B) really fucking good healthcare through my family. To be clear, if you do not have A and especially if you do not have B good fucking luck getting blockers, much less hormones or dear god surgery! It’s nigh impossible!

In early 2018 when I was almost 15, I came out to my parents. Immediately I was put in therapy (that had more to do with the depression and suicidal ideation I experienced while in the closet than being trans). While social transition (different name, different clothes) happened pretty quickly, it wasn’t until my mental health stuff was dealt with that my therapist and doctor, both on the trans youth specialist team, started talking HRT.

The first step was puberty blockers. To get that approved I not only needed parent permission and a ton of forms, I was all but required to bank sperm (as a 15 year old!) and I had to socially transition and meet a bunch of WPATH requirements (I actually like WPATH a lot, to be clear) and wait through a months long waiting list just to get an appointment with a psychiatrist, who then asked me a bunch of questions (he was nice, I do not remember the questions, this was years ago) to ensure I didn’t have some other problem. After passing that, I got a prescription for nogonadotropin as a puberty blocker.

From the time I first told doctors I was trans to the time I had my first blockers shot, a little over 6 months had passed. To be clear, in the US, that’s fast. In the UK? That’s impossibly fast.

It then took another 6 months of blood test, questioners, meetings with my doctor and my parents and my therapists before I was finally cleared for estradoil tablets. 1 mg/day. I got them nearly on the year to the day from when I came out. I was nearly 16

Again, that is crazy fast.

Within a year and a half my estradoil doseage had increased to 6mg/day and I was on 100mg/day of progesterone as well. Eventually that became 200mg/day. Years later I switched from estradoil tablets to estradoil shots.

The entire time I have seen the same therapist, not just for trans healthcare but also mental health stuff. I got SSRIs for anxiety, got an ADHD diagnosis, etc.

In fall of 2022 (I was 19), I reached out to my doctor to say I wanted bottom surgery. We had talked about doing it before, but I had always said “I don’t know if I’m ready.” I was unsure. And even though I could have gotten at least an orchiectomy after I turned 16 if I really wanted to (with parental permission and I am sure so much medical red tape I would have been an adult by the time it happened), I never wanted it. My doctors were surprised I wanted it, so were my folks.

I had to meet with my therapist several times, coordinate with a social worker, and get 2 or 3 letters of recommendation from doctors. Then I needed to unravel who and what my insurance cost and find surgeons I wanted to consult with. That took MONTHS. It wasn’t until fall of 2023, a full year later, that I was FINALLY was able to schedule with two of the three surgeons I wanted (we’ll get to that third one in a bit).

It is now the last days of august 2024. I had my first consultation, which was out of state, earlier this month. It went well. If I had scheduled a surgery date right then and there, there would have been a year long wait time. Which again, is a very very small wait time. I didn’t though, because I wanted to consult with other surgeons and I knew that would be smack in the middle of graduate school.

My second consultation (which, ugh, I need to do some phone calls for to figure out transportation!) is in a few months. The third one? I’m still on a waiting list to GET A CONSULTATION.

To be clear, neither my parents nor my doctors ever pressured me into anything. My folks were completely blindsided when I came out and had basically no idea how to proceed besides using a different name. My doctors always said “well, here’s your options and all the risks. You want that? Okay, think on it for a month and we’ll discuss next steps at our next appointment.” All of this was my choice. Mine. And they never tried to stop me either, just make sure I was being safe and following procedure.

Both my younger sister and my cousin on my mom’s side are trans as well. Considering we have several blood relatives on that side of the family who are also LGBTQ+ going back at least to the 1940s, assume there’s a genetic predisposition for it. Both my sister and my cousin have had a lot harder of a time getting HRT, even though my sister has the same insurance, same provider, same psychologist as me (idk what my cousin’s insurance situation is).

Odds are, I will have my graduate degree (environmental engineering) before I undergo surgery. Maybe even before I have a date for undergoing surgery. If all goes well, I graduate in may 2026. I’ve agreed with my girlfriend that once we graduate in 2026 if we’re still together I’ll feel comfortable getting engaged, so it’s very possible that I will be fucking married before I get SRS. Y’know, assuming it isn’t outlawed or anything.

When I was 14, I figured out I was a girl. Without talking to anybody, I knew I wanted a female body and that the puberty I was going through wasn’t right. Looking back, there were times I almost knew when I was 11, when I was 7, when I was only 3. At that age, I considered “surgery is something I might do when I’m older. I dunno. Right now I have crippling depression and cheat dysphoria, I really just want to be called the right name and pronouns and have HRT.”

I am now 21. I haven’t undergone any surgeries in that time, at all (except wisdom teeth removal ig. Does that count?). I have had one (1) SRS consultation, and the soonest I could get surgery is a year from now, but odds are it will be in two years. Maybe three even.

There is no epidemic of children being told they are trans and getting surgeries. That doesn’t fucking happen. If you’re really worried about kids getting unnecessary surgery look into the weird world of rich white girls getting facelifts and breast enlargement surgeries and stuff. At no doctor’s office in this country can you walk in with one set of genitals and walk out with another at the drop of a hat. There is a YEARS long medical process that happens before a consultation is even scheduled. And before that there is a trans person’s entire earlier life of doubt and questioning and fear and pain.

[insipid-drivel]

My Surgeon Ghosted Me For Having A Panic Attack

My surgeon ghosted me, devastated me and my family, and I only found out through their legal representative 2 weeks before a surgery I've been begging and waiting for almost 20 years for.

I'm a 32-year-old trans person with PTSD and a very, very rare mental condition called DDNOS-1B. Since I was 13 years old, I've been fighting for a hysterectomy both for my gender identity, and to cure a horrendously painful and life-threatening condition called Menorrhagia that causes me extreme agony and to spontaneously hemorrhage when I menstruate. I've been hanging on to life by my fingernails, and my own surgeon just stomped on my hands.

Today, with just 2 weeks before my surgery date and my insurance approving of everything, I received a call from my OBGYN's legal representation accusing ME, the patient, of accusing my OBGYN of assaulting me when I had a panic attack during a routine pelvic examination so my insurance would cover most of the medical bills of my surgery.

While I was panicked, I partially dissociated and one of my male alter personalities - who I had already told my OBGYN about in appointments before the examination - experienced the examination with me. In addition to having been assaulted by a previous doctor during pelvic examination years before, I'm trans, and the alter personality that manifested is staunchly male and found the sensation of the examination alarming. While trying to calm down from a panic attack and gain control of myself again when the pelvic exam was over, I followed my therapist's guidance to verbalize my emotions when I felt my trauma manifesting again, and said, "That felt violating," to myself without really thinking. I was on Valium specifically for the examination due to the severity of my trauma, but still panicked enough that I babbled the words without thinking, and asked to please be allowed to go home if my OBGYN had gotten everything they needed from the appointment.

My OBGYN confirmed they'd gotten what they needed, said, "I only want to help you," while I nodded and could only stare at the floor and tremble while I gathered my things to leave. My ears were ringing. I was fighting tears and hyperventilation. It was a normal pelvic exam, but they just happen to be triggering for me because of my past trauma. When I'm that stressed, I become functionally mute and can't speak at all if I can't relax. It took me 3 days to fully relax after my OBGYN's examination, but in no way did I feel like they had behaved inappropriately or been too rough or forceful with me. It was just an experience and sensation I don't tolerate well without re-experiencing my past trauma. I wanted to go home, recover psychologically from an odious and frustrating panic disorder, and prepare for the surgery that, I hoped, would make my quality of life better than it's ever been.

I was not aware that I had to be responsible for my doctor's feelings when I was the patient in distress, and now feel that there is no way for me to receive the surgery I need unless I can magically do it without showing any fear or trepidation that could be misinterpreted by medical professionals and send them running to their lawyers for instructions.

Today, I received a phone call from my OBGYN's legal representative, just 2 weeks away from my surgery, announcing that my OBGYN had canceled the appointment and come running to them with fears that I would file a malpractice suit. I was forced to write a humiliating apology letter to my OBGYN's legal representation trying to set the record straight - that I hadn't accused my OBGYN of anything and thought they provided me with the best care they could, and it was my own reaction from pre-existing trauma that had been witnessed. Nevertheless, I could not have felt more betrayed, embarrassed, or shattered. I've needed a basic hysterectomy since I was 13 years old and have spent my entire reproductive life begging doctors and surgeons to please perform it, but have been refused every time because of my age, my gender, and/or the fact that I hadn't had any children myself and "would change my mind" as I got older.

I never changed my mind about having children. I don't want to, because I am trans, and my body needs work done on it before I can feel truly like I'm comfortable in my own skin. Now, I don't think that will ever happen.

I'm writing to different news outlets and here because it is absolutely unconscionable that a licensed medical doctor could tell me to my face that my dream since age 13 of being pain-free and living with a body that feels normal was going to be realized… only to send their legal representation 2 weeks before the date to tell me that, because I panicked and babbled the wrong thing TO MYSELF that the doctor found threatening to their job security, my dream was gone. It would've taken just one question, "Are you okay?" from my OBGYN to clear up the direction my babbled words were aimed in, but instead, they assumed I was accusing them of something horrendous, and terminated my care without bothering to tell me why, or that they were going to do it at all.

My family is absolutely devastated. I'm devastated to the point that I just feel numb. My mother has been inconsolable, as she's nearing 70, can't retire, and has been my only caregiver for most of my life because of the severity of my disabling pain caused by a part of my body that, as a trans person, every fiber of my being screams isn't supposed to exist. I feel deeply discriminated against, and like we now live in a state where, regardless of how distressed you are as a patient, you must perform to a certain standard to receive the attention and dedication of your own doctors. You're allowed to be traumatized and struggle with it, but only so long as your doctor feels completely exempt from what triggers you, and that you have to shut up and take any procedure you're required to endure for further care without showing any fear or pain.

Is this really the case? Are our doctors getting so scared of their own shadows that people like me can have their care terminated on the grounds of Not Being Brave Enough? I thought that I was safe to be trans and seek gender affirming AND medically necessary care without discrimination by medical professionals in Washington - my birthplace and the only place I've ever really called home - but now I feel like there's nowhere I can go to receive the care I need, and would be better served if I waited until I developed a terminal illness and used my right to Death With Dignity to end my life on my terms than bother to go to the doctor again for preventative care and regular checkups. What's the point? If I have one panic attack and say the wrong thing trying to comfort myself, I'll lose my doctor completely.

Why is it taking almost 20 years or more for a single doctor in Washington State to perform a hysterectomy on a desperately, desperately willing patient that also medically needs it? What is going on? Do all transgender Washingtonians deal with this level of discrimination and hand-wringing from their doctors? If I weren't trans, or didn't have DID, would I finally receive the care I need? Or is it really a matter of having to be the emotional support for your doctor in order for them to feel cushioned and safe enough to do an effective job in caring for you without them getting spooked and clutching their licenses like they're a breath away from being revoked?

Why am I, a disabled layperson on SSI that can barely even get out of bed most days, forced to be emotionally responsible for my doctor's sense of job security when I'm the one coming to them for help? It's been 20 years, and all I need is a hysterectomy! Not a single surgeon in 20 years will help me, my family has been destroyed by this, and I don't know what to do anymore but cry for help from the press and public to shed light on what is, at least in my experience, an increasingly broken, dysfunctional system that I fear is going to get me, and people like me, killed.

My state should be better than this. For how proudly my state's representatives boast about Washington being a shelter state for women and LGBTQIA+ people fleeing other states, why won't anybody help me? Have I been secretly blacklisted somehow from receiving the care I need? How is it that our doctors can just ghost us while accusing us of POTENTIALLY taking legal action against them? And why on god's green earth was I spoken to as though I was a criminal that had just been stopped from committing a crime and forced to apologize?

Just… what the hell? If this isn't worthy of a little attention from the journalists in my state, I don't know what is. I need help. I need surgery. But I can't even so much as show a little fear - much less talk myself through a panic attack - without my own doctor dropping me as their patient after promising me that the surgery I needed was going to happen. How can a patient even address this? Who do you call when you can't find a doctor because you're too traumatized to make your doctor feel secure in doing their job?

I want to live, my family is suffering, but I can't find a single surgeon that will help me. Is it this bad for everyone?

[angelbxxy]

Hey y’all idk how this works I’ve never been struggling this hard before. My two daughters lost their dad my fiancé a week ago from a heart problem we didn’t know he had. It was sudden and now I have to plan a funeral alone. I never imagined that he would be gone we were just talking about getting a life insurance policy like a month ago but never did it. I already have our two daughters I gotta take care of on 1 income now I don’t know how I’m gonna pull this funeral off of anyone can help us send him up the right way plz consider donating 🥺😭❤️

Cashapp $prettymom18

January 15th 2023🚨⏰⚰️

Update!!!!!

Still waiting on donätîons I currently only have $250(I took out a loan that’s all I was approved for)/$3,400(cost of funeral service and funeral home plus casket. The $3,400 DOES NOT INCLUDE THE BURIAL 🪦🥺😭⚰️😣♥️

Please help us if you are able and I would appreciate it if you can not help us financially, a reblog and prayers will always be appreciated.

RIP my one and only Prince Charming 🥺❤️🪦⚰️

Cashapp $prettymom18

UPDATE JAN15th 8:54pm

Still 0 help but I’m still great full for all the reposts and likes if you know anyone who may be able to help or has a big following on here PLEASE don’t hesitate to tag them in ur repost or just tag them on the comments ❤️🙏

PS my friend said if someone wants to donate but they don’t have cash@pp I can give them her Venmo or chime or PayPal so if that is what is stopping you from donating DM me and I can send you her vënmø or paypãł

Thank y’all again♥️

XO XO XO and GOD BLESS🙏🏽

Katie 🥰⚰️🪦🫶🏽👩‍👧‍👧❤️‍🔥💔✝️

I probably should’ve put this in the original post but I’m having trouble getting donations and I’m doing this all by myself his family hasn’t even called me since I told them he passed and I was a foster kid so I really don’t have anyone to help. The only person that is helping me is financially struggling too but she took out a loan bc my credit sucks so I was denied anyway thank u if u have anyone on here who u talk to a lot see if they can repost it too I wanna get some type of traction lol

UPDATE JAN 16th

Tumblr BLOCKED ME FROM MESSAGES WTF HAPPENED!!!! Someone plz help me get my messages back

Plus still no donations so please keep reposting and thank you for all the support from the reblogs

Jan18 update

Thank you to whoever sent $5 that’s the first and only donation I’ve gotten so far

Please if u can’t donate repost and tag your friends!!! I don’t know what I’m going to do if I can’t raise enough for the funeral, I don’t even have enough for a cremation

Jan 20 update

Im $30 short to start a payment plan with the funeral home I have an appointment tomorrow morning at 9am PLEASE SEND HELP either repost or dono

Anything helps us!

Help us bury my kids dad and my fiancé!

GOD BLESS PRAYERS ARE WELCOME TOO!

Jan 30th update♥️❤️‍🔥🥺😭🚨

So I DIDNT get enough money to have a funeral for my fiancé 😖😭 we had to cremate him and they put me on a payment plan. I still want to have a repass but I need to get a hall or something to gather everyone. The cheapest one I’ve found is $350 for 5 hours

ANY HELP WOULD BE APPRECIATED AND HELPFUL

I want to celebrate his short life and the memories we all have with him ♥️

It’s been 3 almost 4 weeks since he’s been gone and life being a widow mother of 2 is a lot harder than I ever imagined. Please repost even if you can’t help ❤️‍🔥

@localmacguffin @laymedowninsheetsoflinen @enderamethyst @transgendz @othert @pixelstx @spongebobssquarepants @queenpandaxoxo @pukicho @shareyourdollar @mutual-aid-booster @horangi @jacklant3rn @bugs-for-hugs @difficult @commie-cosmo @yellowgirl93 @racism-inc @mousedetective @vaspider @shineemoon @queenpandaxoxo

[wild-moss-art]

hi moss! I hope you are having a good day!! I was wondering if you were willing to share how you convinced a doctor to yeet the uterus :O are you scared about having a major surgery? (I am, as always, having The Thoughts.)

<3 I hope you're having a good day too! It is a long story and kind of personal but I'm happy to share bc I know that it's really difficult to find info on, and if anyone has questions you can feel free to dm or send an ask. Gonna put the story under the cut.

First of all, I live in america and this will all sound very american lol.

In the interest of not burying the lede, my working theory is that I have endometriosis or adenomyosis; these are notoriously difficult to diagnose. Endometriosis is only diagnosable through a laparoscopic surgery and adenomyosis is literally only diagnosable through getting a hysterectomy and having the tissue biopsied. If you don't want a hysterectomy, you can't get an official diagnosis.

Now to the backstory. I think my medical history and experience advocating for myself medically had the most impact on being approved for this procedure.

I have been on hormonal birth control since I was about 13 or 14 practically as soon as I hit puberty I had debilitating periods. I was missing a lot of school and obviously this didn't look good for my parents, so I was put on the pill, and later when I was older I switched to IUDs. The birth control basically put a bandaid on the problem, and the IUD eliminated my period altogether.

Near the beginning of this year, I started to have a lot of pelvic pain that I initially thought was a UTI. I went to the doctor who kept telling me I didn't have the bacteria for a UTI, and basically sent me home with some antibiotics anyway, which didn't help. They did not test for any other problems. I ended up switching doctors due to insurance purposes, but was also put off by the care I'd received.

When I went to the next doctor, they were actually willing to run tests. This doctor and every other doctor I've seen since initially insisted I must have an STD. A panel was run, and I was fully clean for STDs. I was referred to a urogynecology specialist, as my main symptoms at this point were pain(which they do not care about- didnt even put it in my file) and difficulty urinating(this symptom I believe is the only reason I was able to get a referral to a specialist).

While I was waiting for my urogynecology appointment(they were pretty booked out), the pain got worse, like a lot worse. I was also having more and more hormonal symptoms like heavy acne. I was able to move my appointment up but ended up going to the ER. At the ER, I posted about my experience which I can link if you'd like but I'll include the relevant info. The doctor hadn't looked at my age on the file and initially DENIED testing because I was "too young". He came back later and approved it, because he actually looked at my fucking file. From this point on I've been livid and ready to fistfight every doctor Ive seen.

I was at the ER for like 10 hours and got a CT scan, which showed all the inflammation in my uterus and little in my bladder, which was when I began to realize that the bladder issue was just a symptom and not the problem. The original doctor was off duty toward the end of my visit, and the new doctor came in for briefing when she mentioned they needed to run an STD panel. I told her I'd had one about a week ago that was fully negative. She said "I need to go talk to my supervisor."

Ultimately, I was released from the ER with a prescription for extra strength ibuprofen and a referral to a gynecologist. They said my IUD was stabbing me internally, and needed to come out. They did not take it out at the ER.

At this point, it was time for my urogynecology appointment. At the appointment, I told them about my ER visit and asked if they could take my IUD out. They said they didn't really do that there, but after I showed them my CT scan results, they did it anyway. I felt a lot better, immediately. They were helpful and awesome, but said that they mostly treat bladder problems, which was clearly not what I had.

I didnt feel fully better though, because hormonal birth control keeps endometriosis and adenomyosis symptoms and pain at bay. The pain has gotten gradually worse, but it's not longer quite as sharp and stabbing. I've been doing a lot of research about these conditions thanks to a helpful tumblr mutual, and I believe I have adenomysis. I'm not sure whether I have endometriosis.

I followed up on the gynecology referral from the er; I am really happy with this clinic so far. They are the ones that offered the hysterectomy. In my initial appointment, I mentioned that I was not on birth control and wanted to be sterilized. They asked if I wanted birth control in the meantime. I said no(I believe this helped).

(as an aside. Another reason I believe I was offered what I was is that I am married. When I listed my partner as an emergency contact, they specifically mentioned that I did not take his last name. I believe this says something about our relationship to doctors. I know often they will ask for the husband's permission in this scenario; however, they did not even bring him up beyond the last name thing.)

When I met with the doctor for a tubal ligation consult, we talked a bit about the procedure and what other symptoms I was having. I also got an ultrasound that showed inflammation in my uterus(as well as a medium sized cyst on my ovary. lmao). He said the tubal ligation would not help my other symptoms. When I mentioned my CT scan, he actually left to go look at it, returned and immediately asked if I wanted kids. When I said no, he told me he could give me a hysterectomy.

We went over some details; just a hysterectomy is a pretty non invasive procedure and doesn't even require an incision. He mentioned that it may or may not fix the whole problem(it would fix adenomyosis which only affects the uterus, not endometriosis which affects other organs) but that it's pretty complicated to remove the ovaries because it's a more invasive procedure and basically I'd have to be on hormones to simulate menopause for a really long time(I'm only 27). So that is an option, but it's better to just see if the hysterectomy fixes my problems.

The surgery is in 10 days from now and I have my intake consult on tuesday. I plan to update cause again, I know not a lot of people talk about these experiences and it would have really helped me to have known more going in. I really cant wait, I've basically been bedridden, cant exercise, can't stand for long periods of time, not much at all. I'm lucky my livelihood is sitting on my couch drawing.

Finally, I believe that it is possible that they wanted to sterilize me due to my mental health history. I am in ongoing treatment for my mental health, and have particular diagnoses that I do not disclose publicly. You can message me if you'd like to know this information.