#just very depressing thoughts honestly im sorry for writing you this way

[iicomet]

(reupload with a bit additions!! its only at the lower half/near the end of the fic though, just an extra paragraph and some changes!!) part I (In which the beloved senior of mount hua ponders over a selfish person's final moments.)

(gn!reader - second pov, angst.)

(tw! mention of blood, war.)

A foolish decision was the consenquences of that moment.

A moment so short, it could hardly be considered a second. You wondered why you thought it felt like eons when it only lasted in a blink of an eye, or rather— a look in the eye.

Sometimes you feel like you've already made peace with the past. Your heart no longer aches for the fleeting memories of a childhood innocence, your tongue no longer tastes bitter at the sheer mention of them. You no longer need to spend countless nights weeping over your imaginary scenarios, the what-ifs, the pleases, and the if onlys.

After so, so long, you've grown. Finally, at last, you'll be able to live in the present with no more strings tying you to the past, chaining you down and cutting into your skin with each step, forcing piercing tears to fall down your eyes as you tried to deny it all and smile in front of your juniors who knew nothing. They, who you protected with your life, were oblivious to the shadows that hid behind their beloved senior; They, who only lived under the wings of their seniors and sect leaders, were unaware of the tattered and stained wings their senior owned, as if it was natural, as if it had been there all along. Him, who thought he had seen it all, were still so, so unsuspecting of your obvious lies—

—Of your past, your pain, your love.

—Of your experiences, your heartbreak, your one and only.

Lovely senior, perhaps if you had heeded their warnings and opened up, allowed those who wished to understand to learn, then perhaps your demise would've been like the you you presented to your people.

Peaceful.

Instead, you've shown the whole world who you truly are, destroying your perfect reputation with your foolishness.

In a frenzied haze of battle-struck wounds, with the blood that your parents had given you flowing out uncontrollably and returning to the earth, with the tears that you used to hide away in your eyes staining your cheeks as you looked so pitifully vulnerable in front of all those who had seen you as a warrior.

You felt shame. Especially when your attacker, the source of your misery, had looked at you with such a heartbroken expression you almost felt as if your efforts to move on had thoroughly shattered at that moment. Ah, you truly couldn't forget. You couldn't even uphold a final promise. How could you ever move on when the smile that shone the brightest belonged to them, while you were merely the rays of moonlight that reflected off the sun?

Their senior, always so strong, had turned out to be the weakest among them all. Their senior, who had given everything to them, had turned out to be the most selfish person they had known. How could you give up on them and leave them behind like that? How could you throw away everything just for a lost memory? How could you, How could you how could you how could you how could you—

—How could they ever respect someone like that from now on?

This shameless, weakling of a senior had turned out to be the biggest liar. Your perfect image broken and revealing pieces of shattered glass that were now turned to dust, being held together by a transparent plate that acted as a shield. Your sword, broken on the ground, the hours you had spent polishing it rendered useless and futile.

You wished you could laugh, but the voice you thought you had had given up on you as well. Maybe, in another life, you could be stronger. Maybe, in another life, you could start again and be better.

Maybe, in another life, you could meet them again.

"I'm sorry, Mount Hua."

Maybe, in another life, your wishes would come true.

[softspace-fics]

Hiii so I just went through kinda a mental health crisis today (VERY long story short I'm at my grandma's house cuz I swallowed sum I wasn't supposed to but I'm okay now my throat just feels icky) you absolutely 100% do not (REPEAT DO NOT) need to do this request at all you can ignore it cuz ik it's uncomfortable what im about to ask (im sorry in advance if you are uncomfy I get it)

Could you possibly write a little while they're big try to hurt themselves and can't get into littlespace and to embarrassed about feeling like hurting themselves to talk about it with someone I honestly don't care with who but I've been on a Wade and Bucky kick recently

Like I said you can ignore this your writing just so comforting and amazing and I want to feel more of that thank you for listening

I hope you have an amazing day, and if you're not, I hope it gets better

You mean to much.

A/N - I genuinely took awhile to make this because I wanted to be as inclusive as possible, but I think I related this to myself a little too close. I hope you all enjoy, and understand that if you ever need someone I'm here. Your never alone in your fight. If you ever need someone please contact your suicide hotline. You don't need to fight alone. To anon I hope your feeling better and this story helps you in the way you need, I'm sorry you went through what you did.

Masterlist - all my work!

Warnings ⚠️: Depressive episode, thoughts of self harm, negative thoughts, overwhelmed reader, reader thinks about leaving bucky, tears, bucky cries for a min, reader breakdown, please let me know if I missed any!

Please read with caution.

Bucky Barnes x GN!little reader

________________

Today sucked. The entire day even before you woke was a nightmare. You had woken up at 5am from a grueling nightmare that made you not want to even attempt to go back to sleep. Getting up, you even attempted to make your own food before that enviably failed too. You got dressed into outerwear but decided after the third attempt of trying to get your shoes on, that it was just not worth trying to try your luck outside.

So you didn’t. You attempted to do some of your hobbies, but even those weren’t appealing to you at the moment and seeing that you caregiver was out, you decided to take a bath. You hoped that the ability to chill in the tub and maybe watch a show would help get your brain to decide to actually function.

What a bad idea that was though. You ended up just staring at yourself in the mirror for a unknown amount of time, nitpicking every mark, scratch, unbalanced feature, and anything else your brain could make you decide to hate.

You viewed how your body was different than those around you, how it could be seen as so very wrong for you to be with Bucky. How did you even end up with a super soldier like him? Did you put a spell on him? Was he playing your feelings?

Maybe if you changed yourself he’d be better off? There’s no way he misses the looks you two get when you go in public. Who knows how the avengers feel about you? Bucky could get anyone he ever wanted and he settled on you.

The thoughts began to cloud your mind, and the urges to mutate your own body starts to completely black out any rational thoughts your brain was trying to give you. However, no matter how bad these thoughts were trying to get you, you couldn’t break the promises that you and Bucky had made previously.

This wasn’t the first time you had one of these bad days, where everything was trying to push you over the edge. The last time you had one of these days though you gave into the urges, and this meant that Bucky found out. He saw the long sleeves on a 100+ day and something told him to check in on you.

When he did, he found out about your scars, and your fresh wounds. This was early on in your relationship and you were worried you were about to scare him off, that’s as until he pulled you into his arms and a few stray tears rolled down his face as he reassured you that you were the most beautiful human being in the multiverse.

He begged you to tell him if these days ever happened where the world had everything against you. He begged for you to throw away the things that you would harm yourself with, and in which you did, you threw out the things your brain would make you use, and you told him you’d try to tell him if these days happened.

You wanted to, you really did, but you couldn’t fathom bothering him on a day where he had numerous meetings and a day that he was going to spend hanging out with his best friend. Why in the world would you pile more problems onto his plate?

You eventually pulled yourself from the mirror, walking over to the couch and curling into the corner of it. You pulled a blanket off the back of the couch, tears streaming down your face, and tried to just sleep off the icky feelings.

As you laid there, crying quietly, your regression decided to say hello. The baby’s brain didn’t understand why it felt the way it did. It wasn’t sure why it felt as if their dada shouldn't love them anymore, why was he going to be better off without them? Was he truly going to be?

You woke up a few hours later, to the shuffling of you onto something new, as if something- someone, was picking you up. The scent gave away the person almost immediately, and you almost completely subconsciously grabbed onto him.

“Dada?” You mumbled quietly, your eyes opening to your worried caregivers face.

“Baby? Why were you crying?” You feel Bucky softly attempt to wipe off the dried tears, bouncing you softly, concern lacing every fiber of his being.

You look away solemnly, your mind beginning to remind you how you weren’t good enough for him. the clouded judgment of others remaining in your own little mind.

In hopes he’d drop the topic, you shook your head and hid your face in his neck, clinging to him even more. This only heightened his worry as he held you tighter, closer, and even more protectively.

“Baby please, your worrying me.” He mumbles softly into your hair, kissing it before resting his forehead against the top of your head.

He had a feeling it was a bad day for you, and he was so worried you hadn’t been able to feel like calling him to help, what if you had done something? What if he couldn’t have stopped you? What’s if he let you down just like everyone else?

The sounds of your tears came through the broken explanation of the day you had and you did your best to tell him that you’d be okay if he left you. All that he did when he heard you say that was hold onto you tighter and closer. He just mumbled gentle no’s and a silent sigh of relief when you said you couldn’t do it because you didn’t want to break your promises.

Bucky slowly walked over to your nursery, sitting down in the rocking chair that he had made so that you and him could comfortably sit and he could care for you. He softly pulled you from your hiding spot in his neck, where his neck and shirt were soaked with tears.

“Never, ever believe that I’d need anyone but you. I don't care what people think or say, you saved me and that means that when theses days happen id do anything to save you too. It’s perfectly okay to have these thoughts, and its okay to ask for help. Everyone needs a little help sometimes, that’s why I’m here yeah? Never do you have to go through these big emotions alone anymore okay? That’s why I’m here. I promise not one thing you say will ever change my mind, or change how I feel about being your dada. You're too perfect for me. Your not alone.”

He firmly and calmly talks you, just above a whisper, as if he was worried the walls would hear how much his hearted ached for you, and use it against him. You meant the world to Bucky, and his heart broke knowing that you felt this way.

The only thing you could muster through the walls of regression, and the emotional overboard was a nod before dragging him back into you and your face going back right where it was.

Bucky didn’t let you go for about 3 days, he didn’t leave the house, even though he was supposed to be going somewhere for work, he called and told them he wouldn’t be there. He spent days making sure that you were safe and sound, and knew how much he truely loved you. He helped in whatever way he could to make you realize how much you meant to him.

[vvalllerie]

okay whatever this thing is, thank you @kings-highway for the tag. i enjoyed delaying my getting out of bed at 3:30 in the afternoon in favor of this

how many works on ao3:

22! which considering i’ve been writing for less than a year, is pretty good in my opinion

top 5 by kudos:

1. the craving (shouyou’s version). i’m actually really proud of this one and it’s one of my favorites that i’ve written. based on the craving by twenty one pilots, of course

2. Illness, Injuries, and Iceland. guaranteed this is because i wrote it for king and they reblogged it. thanks pookie for making me write ushiten

3. Sweet. this one.. i wrote based on my own experiences with depression. it’s very difficult for me to express these types of feelings explicitly so i love to project onto my fav characters. daisuga especially

4. Love, In Itself. i’m actually really surprised at this one because it’s pretty short and it was actually a request from a friend!

5. Cry. my one and only oisuga fic, only got one chapter. apologies for making daichi the bad guy

do i respond to comments:

yes! i try very hard to respond to every comment i get. i love getting comments since i don’t get very many, and i know the amazing feeling of having an author acknowledge you and thank you for your comment, so i try to let people know that i appreciate each and every comment i get!

angstiest ending:

uhhhhh it’s not done yet, but run (until you feel your lungs bleeding) is gonna be SO angsty hehehe. iwaoi of course. i’m very excited for it. if you want one i’ve already finished, tho, it’ll have to be i know that losing dogs exist, because i bet on them and i am one. sakuatsu, mcd, entirely based on my own experience w a disastrous breakup i had. thank you to king again for being there when i needed it most.

happiest ending:

well most of them are. but in my opinion, it’ll have to be my iwasuga fic Quetzalcoatlus! one of my FAVORITE fics i’ve written. i just. *sniffle* i just love them so much

do i write crossovers:

no. honestly i don’t see the point. i like getting immersed in the fics and i can’t do that if they aren’t even the same fandom

ever received hate:

nope. only some very disappointed commenters begging for me to continue my fics. im sorry guys i promise im trying

do i write smut:

none that you’ll ever see. a very select few people have access to it.

ever had a fic stolen:

no idea. probably not. they aren’t good enough for that

ever had a fic translated:

nope. have had a few people comment in different languages tho that was pretty cool

ever co-written:

no way. i need control. what the hell. MY fics. did have an idea for a collab but dunno if the other person even wants to do it still. if you got this far down tho please let me know if u do 🙏

all-time favorite ship:

sorry to everyone who thought it was daisuga. it’s oidai. forever. my babies.

wip that i will probably never finish:

unfortunately, i have a trio of wips that all go together. all mcd fics, one happy, one sad, and one right in the middle. iwaoi is the sad one, daisuga is the happy one, and the one right in the middle is sakuatsu. all titled from/based on songs

writing strengths:

uhhhh. uhhh. the characters? making them relatable? no idea. not sure if i have any. i’m just vibing

writing weaknesses:

erm. probably the fact that i start long fics with only an idea and no plans, so then i never finish them because i was just writing as it came to me

thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages:

dunno. do what you want. i’ll only do it if i know that language

fandom/ship i haven’t written for yet:

oidai. i know, i know. i really want to but it has to be PERFECT so i just. haven’t done it yet

favorite fic i’ve written:

chaos theory, no doubt. haikyuu and dinosaurs? two of my favorite things ever? yeah, no hesitation, it’s chaos theory

tags:

i dunno who’s been tagged in this already so if you have just ignore this. buuuuut here pookies <3

@numericalpie @artisticxlly @thatfanficauthor107 @otakurooster907 @cabbybaby

[romana-after-dark]

The Wrong Way (Dark Ending): Going Under, Part 2

Raider!Joel Miller x Fem!Reader

Raider!Tommy Miller x Fem!Reader

Spotify Playlist

Summery: After you give birth to Ellie in the cabin, Joel fins you and Tommy, besting Tommy in a fight. What happens to you? What happens to Ellie, Tommy, Lorenzo and the rest of the family Little One has acquired? How does Little One learn to cope with her new reality? Does she fall into the darkness that surrounds Joel and all he touches? Can Joel really change for you and your daughter?

WARNINGS FOR FULL FIC, NOT CHAPTER BY CHAPTER UNLESS SOMETHING NEW IS ADDED AFTER MASTER WARNING LIST: DEAD DOVE DO NOT EAT!!!! Fic contains graphic depictions of sexual assault, rape, molestation, dubcon/non con. MAJOR CHARACTER DEATH WARNING, graphic violence, murder, manipulation, the horrors, Joel being Joel, Tommy being kinda pathetic, Joel's weird sexual fantasies, breeding kink, abuse of power. Just.... all the bad.

Extra on the executions. Suicidal ideation. Sorry, I should've put tjat in the warnings first chapter but I just came up, so this is your warning now. Im tryingto think of all the hardest stuff that happens now so I can warn ahead of time but sometimes it just happens while writing you know? Things come up. Dont say i didnt want you with major character death

a/n who watched Avatar TLA growing up? There a reference to it at the very end.... that episode traumatized me

*******************

It had been four days before Joel came and got you. The room was cold from the cool outside air; it was far from freezing, only a crisp Wyoming early fall so far. This had proven a benefit, despite the way you shivered under tattered blankets, as it aired out the bucket of piss and shit that was your toilet.

Ellie had to be dead by now. Infants need to be fed regularly, every 2-3 hours according to Maura… your breasts hurt, they hurt so fucking bad sometimes you cried from just that… but it wasn’t a hard leap from your depressed mindset. The pain was aching and you had to squeeze the milk out of your engorged breasts just to have a little relief. Your vagina hurt, too. Luckily you had stopped bleeding, although you wished you’d just bleed out already. Everything was pain and your dreams in the few moments you were sleeping were filled with nightmares.

You weren’t sure what you were living for. You laid on the mattress hour after hour, staring at the broken glass from your fit, thinking you could easily kill yourself… The only thing that stopped you was the effort it would require. Dazed, almost… that was the best way to describe it, all the hours blurring together

Honestly, you hadn't expected Joel to return at all. You figured he killed Ellie or just let her starve, killed Tommy and would just let you waste away in this god forsaken room, the room where so much happened.

Tommy taking your virginity after you begged him, playing go fish for hours.

Joel raping you, loving you, cuddling you.

Nick.

When he walked into the room, you didn’t even look up. You didn’t have the energy anymore. When his strong arms scooped you up, leading you out of the piss-smelling room, you instinctively wrapped your arms and legs around him like before… it had been habit at this point, after a year of doing this and you were no stranger to your body betraying you.

Joel, in turn, held you close. “Just look what you’ve done, hermosa… but it’s okay, we can fix it.”

“No” you whine, head in the crook of his neck. Why was his smell comforting after all that had happened? “We can’t fix this.” Your baby is gone, after all you did to try and save her.

“Yes, yes we can, you just gotta be good.” Of course Joel thought this was fixable. Ellie was only ever his replacement for Sarah, so she was replaceable herself. Joel would put a baby in you again and if it was a boy? Another one. And another, and another until you died, then he’d move onto the next vulnerable young girl.

Joel took you outside. When you saw the raiders all surrounding the yard, a yard that had previously been your comfort, a place you imagined your baby playing, you figured this is where he killed you. You were ready.

“Watch her” And he went into the house. The sunshine and fresh air felt nice, you had to admit. When he returned, he carried a little bundle; the baby blanket Mrs. Munoz knitted, with Ellie’s little face barely peeking out.

“ELLIE!” Joy and sunshine filled your heart again, and suddenly nothing else matter than the fact your daughter lived. Ecstatic, you dash towards her as all the pain of earlier seeming long gone in your desperate need for her, but Joel wouldn’t let you have it just yet. He moved her out from his firm grasp, still holding her but seemingly threatening to drop her. “JOEL NO!”

“She’s safe, little one, don’t you worry… as long as you behave.” He went back to rocking her, a soft expression as he looked at his daughter.

“H-how is she alive? She didn’t feed, I thought- I thought she was dead!”

“You really think I’d let my daughter starve?” His voice was condescending, a slight scoff at the end. “C’mon now, you can’t be that stupid. I know there's not a lot going on in that bimbo housewife brain of yours but I thought you had a little more faith in you than this.” He was… he was laughing at you. All the things he did to you, all the things he’s said… why did this hurt so bad? Joel never called you stupid before… and didn’t he… he threatened to hurt her just a moment ago, didn’t he? Or did he? Maybe you were reading into it too much…

“I’m not… I’m not stupid.” Defensively, you spoke but your eyes remained on your daughter.

“Oh, of course not, sweet girl, of course not.” Was he making fun of you? Why were the other men chuckling? “But I had a plan incase you couldn’t produce milk. I’ve got a freezer full of breast milk from other women, and even some formula. It’s expired but, it’ll do in a pinch.”

As relieved as you were about Ellie living, guilt punched at you. “You… Joel, you took milk away from hungry babies?”

Joel rolled his eyes. “No, of course not. Mrs. Little Feather was producing an abundance so I paid her well for a stash, just in case. I’ll always protect my family” He turned to one of the men and nodded.

Tommy was pushed out the house, hands bound behind him and he was shoved to the ground.

“TOMMY!” But you didn’t dare move, not when Joel had Ellie.

“Honey, fuck, I’m sorry, I-” He was cut off by Joel kicking him in the stomach. Tommy’s left hand was bandaged up from the stabbing. 

But Tommy’s reveal wasn’t even the worst. Out of the house came  Zach and Lorenzo, bound and gagged, quickly followed by the biggest shock yet. June. It had been a whole year since you’d seen her, never even saying goodbye when you were ripped away from your family. The four of them knelt on the ground, hands tied behind their backs, Lorenzo and Zach at one end of the yard, Tommy and June behind them. Joel shoved you towards Zach and Lorenzo, the guards taking off their mouth gags.

Zach yelled your name. “Run!” But Lorenzo knew better. Lorenzo knew there was no running from Joel, and there was no leaving Ellie behind. You stumble towards them, taking them in your arms. Joel was going to kill them.

“I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry…” You sob, knowing this was because of you.

“Sweetheart.” Lorenzo’s voice called to you, oddly calm given the circumstances. “Sweetheart, look at me.” He waited until you looked him, Lorenzo’s large, brown, droopy eyes calming you the way they always did. “It’s okay. Zach and I… we’ve already made peace with this. It’s gonna be okay.”

“No it’s not!” You protest. “He’s gonna kill you both we will have NOTHING!”

Zach. “You’ll have Dolli.” You look to your big brother. “And I know it’s hard, and I know it’s shit right now, honey it’s shit, but you can’t leave her with Joel, okay? So you gotta do this. Think of mom, think of all she did so we could survive.”

A fresh bout of tears. You sniffle, smelling the grass and the dirt and the filth surrounding you. “But I can’t.” You sob violently. You can’t do this without help, you never could. 

“You can-”

“I’m not strong!”

Lorenzo. “You’ve already been strong, always. You survived a lifetime of hell and you put up a hell of a fight, again and again. You’re gonna raise Dolly to be strong like you, okay?”

Ellie. Ellie needed you. Nothing else mattered but her. “Her name… her name Ellie. Joel chose Dolly, I chose Ellie June.”

Zach smiled. “Ellie June. I love it.”

“Your goddaughter, Zach.”

He nodded. “I’ll keep an eye on her, I promise. We both will.”

Joel steps up, still holding Ellie close to his chest with his left hand. “Alright, ‘nuff talk’n”

“No, Joel, please!” You desperately cling to your brothers, a feeble attempt to save their lives when you feel yourself being picked up by familiar arms; Tommy wrapped a strong arm around your middle pulling you away. “TOMMY LET ME GO!”

Kicking, screaming, fighting, you try to pull off him but your legs dangle, treading air.

“Joel.” Tommy called to his brother. “Dolly’s ears.” He referenced the baby in his arms as Joel pulled out the gun.

“There’s a silencer.”

Horror and anguish as you cry for your family, Lorenzo and Zach both mouthing that they loved you although you couldn’t hear a sound anymore, except the sharp eeeeee and muffled voices. The panic had set it.

Lorenzo and Zach come closer together, their bound up finger intertwining together. Joel strides up the the couple, covers Ellie’s ears with his hand and chest and-

BANG! BANG!

Zach and Lorenzo’s bodies felt limp to the ground, and you didn’t have it in you to scream any more. You went into shock, freezing up and zoning out, only barely aware of Joel comforting Ellie as she cried; no doubt startled from the shooting and commotion. 

Joel spoke to his men, but you weren’t sure what he said… the only thing in your sights was your dead family and he thought that June and Tommy were probably next…wait, when was Tommy untied?

Joel hand grabbed your face and you heard a faint ‘Joel, stop’ but he didn’t. It was the middle of the sentence before you started to understand again. “-are both dead now. Jack is dead, Maura is dead. But her,” He pointed his gun at June, stepping towards her. “She’s alive. Zach tried to take her, thinking it’d save her. Look what good that did huh?”

You couldn’t speak, but Tommy did. “C’mon, man, she’s got nothing to do with this, don’t kill her.”

“Well Thomas, I’m glad you care so much, that’ll make the next part easier.”

“What are you-”

Joel ignored him. “Set her down.” Tommy did. You wobbled a bit but got to your feet, trying to concentrate on behaving… Zach was right, you needed to do this for Ellie. He walked back to you. “See how easily he listens to me? Like a guard dog. Tommy always was good at following orders.” He looked too Tommy again. “Take three steps back.” Tommy did. “Spin around” Tommy rolled his eyes, but did. “Shake you butt”

“Joel-”

“Do it Tommy”

Tommy did, looking humiliated in the process he wiggled his hips.

“Oh come ooooon” Joel laughs. “Put on a show”

“This is humiliating”

“THAT’S THE POINT!” 

You wince at the outburst, wanting to hold Ellie so painfully bad… her little nose was getting runny from the cold, even with a little hat on.

Joel raised the gun to Ellie, and Tommy immidietly complied, shouting at him to knock it off. Jaw set tight, Tommy bent over and stuck out his butt, shaking it to the chuckles of the other men. Tommy fucking Miller, Joel’s previous right hand man. Feared leader, reduced to this indignity… You looked over to June, still bound and gagged and on her knees, looking utterly confused.

“Good job, Tommy” Joel turned back to you. “See how easy it was for Tommy to listen to me? Always been like that, following me around like a lost puppy, desperate for my approval… you know why I untied his hands, little one?” He didn’t wait for your answer. “Because I need you to know he watched. He watched me kill your brother and Lorenzo, he held you back while he watch. He watched me take you, he watched me fuck you on the table, he watched me brand you, and if he had been here last week he would’ve watched as I hung you.”

The whimper from your mouth at the memory is pathetic, but you keep your mouth shut as your eyes cry. 

Joel perked up. It was like a shift, that dramatic change in his personalities that was so hard to keep up with. “So here’s my vision! It’s gonna take a while until we can all trust each other but I want us to all be a family.” He nudged his gun, and one of the men moved to June. Joel must have planned this all out, orchestrated it… He gave the gun to his man, and yanked down June’s gag. It was clear she had been crying heavily, but would not give Joel the dignity of begging for her life. June was strong like that. Sweet, kindhearted; a soft person who was undeniably stubborn. “Beautiful thing, aren’t you. Gonna make such a pretty wife.”

June was too proud to beg, but you’d been long suffering indigities. You had no pride left. “No, no, no, no, no JOEL! Don’t do this, I’ll be good, I promise!”

“Relax, bebita.” He laughed at you. “She’s not for me. You’re the only one for me, you know that right? You gave me my daughter back, you’ll always be my wife, no matter what.”

You were more confused than ever; a cooling breeze rustled your skirt, making you realize just how damn sweaty you’d gotten during all this. “Then what-”

Joel took the collar of June’s shirt, dragging her towards Tommy and throwing her at him as she squeaked in shock. Although he caught her, diving towards her falling body and preventing it from hitting the ground Tommy looked as confused as you did.

“I don’t want-”

“She’s your wife now”

“JOEL!” He held her and June clung to him. “This is insane, I don’t want a wife!”

Uninterested, Joel shrugged him off. “Fuck her, don’t, I don’t really care.” Joel strode towards you again but stopped to look over his shoulder at Tommy. “But knowing you, you probably will. Just a matter of whether you hold her down or not.”

Tommy, for all his weaknesses and flaws… you knew he was not that type of man.

“You and June will live in your old room. She can’t leave the room unsupervised until I say so” He turned to you. “Same with you, little one. But Tommy’s gonna watch you both. Know why?”

Finally, fucking finally, Joel handed you your daughter and you scooped her up, sobbing. “Hey baby, hi. Mommy’s here, yeah, mommy’s here now, it’s okay”

The sun was beginning to set, the shadows of the trees casting long over your dead family. “Because I’m choosing to spare his life, He owes me. And if we can all get along, no more run’n, no more fighting, no more ‘Joel stop!’” he mocked. “Then the 5 of us and whatever other children we’re blessed with can all live together as one big happy family.”

*

Joel sat you between his legs like you always used to after a bath, Ellie in both your arms as he nursed. “Knew you’d fuck up that room, little one. My brave girl. Always so strong, so resilient. You wanted to get to Dolly, didn’t you?”

“Yes” it was the truth, at least. You couldn’t help but feel comfort in Joel’s arms even now… what was wrong with you? Why were you like this? How had he broken you down this badly? “Just… just wanted to be with her…”

“I understand. She’s perfect, isn’t she?”

“Absolutely perfect” and she was, Ellie was everything.

A knock on the door; Joel beckoned them in.

“Watch your fucking eyes.” He snapped at his man bringing you food and water, despite this very man having been there when you were raped in the kitchen… a little breastfeeding wouldn’t had much to the fantasies. 

When Ellie was done, fallen quickly asleep, Joel took her and laid her in her crib before doing what you knew was only inevitable. 

He laid down beside you, handings trailing you body, muttering about much he missed you, how much he missed your body. “My perfect girl…” In gentle whispers, he spoke praises into your mouth between kisses, hand trailing between your legs. You hated your body for responding to him, you hated the way he made you feel so good and you hated how you would kiss him hours after murdering your brother and friend… But Ellie. Ellie is what mattered. Ellie needed to be safe, she needed her mom, and she needed no more of her family dead. So, you kissed Joel. You kissed Joel the way you had kissed Tommy only earlier this week as he swore to you he’d be the father of the child in that crib. Your life with Tommy crumbled down before you, as did any chance of happiness.

“Joel, I haven't bathed in days…” 

“Don’t care, need you”

“Joel it huuurts” You begin to cry, despite knowing that only ever has turned him on more. “Please?” 4 days was not a lot of time to heal, the tearing still evident in you.

Pulling away, Joel looks at you, cupping your face with large, calloused hands. “We need to work together on this, little one. Give a little, get a little. For Dolly.”

Damn him. Damn him and the way he made your stomach burn, damn him and the way his touch felt so good and how you wanted to just be a happy family with him even now… And damn him for knowing how to use Ellie to manipulate you.

“Can we… can we do anal?”

The surprise was evident on his face, bed creaking as he sat up. “You’d prefer to take it in your ass instead of your pussy?”

As you gaze up at him, the concern on his face was clear… oh how he confused you. “I think it would hurt less.”

His features softened as you spoke, laying back down beside you to kiss your neck. “Just focus on my hand right now, sweet girl.” And you did. You did because you were a mess, you were disgusting, you were heartbroken and sad and lonely and you wanted Tommy but you had Joel and he had treated you well didn’t he? Maybe this was survivable… maybe. But you had to please him, and Joel always made you cum. Your pleasure turned him on… so you allowed yourself to sink into the swirling touch of Joel Miller’s fingers.

His touch was gentle but pressing and urgent; patience yet needy, as if making you cum would rebuild the bubble that he had built all those months… and it just might. Your cunt feel empty when it pulses around nothing but you are thankful you are able to get this wet, to orgasm still… The natural lubrication will help with taking his dick up your ass. When the climax was over, you took the chance to relax… it would hurt less if you relaxed.

“Roll over” He ordered, and you did as you were told before Joels straddled your thighs, hands rubbing up and down your mostly-clothes body. “Such a pretty girl… such a perfect girl, and all mine… I don’t care that Tommy fucked this sweet little pussy” Joel reached down to rub your swollen lips. “I don’t care. Once you’re healed up, I’m gonna cum inside you every goddamn day until you give me another baby, gonna fuck a baseball team into you.”

Of course he is. Of course. You wouldn’t expect nothing else from him; he wanted to keep you trapped with him forever… All the love you felt for Ellie was going to multiply tenfold, and you could never, ever leave with that many.

As Joel lined his cock up, swiping it up and down your asscrack and the crease of your thighs, you burry your face in the pillow. Joel wasn’t going to prep you at all, was he? He was going to just fuck you, rip you open and punish you-

“Oh little one… you’ve had a long day, haven't you? Yeah… You’ve been good, I’ll meet you halfway” Joel slid his cock between your plump thighs.

You lift your head off the pillow. “What? What are you doing?”

He began to pump, fucking your thighs and making the bed creak enough you made a mental note to ask Jack to oil it- fuck, Jack was dead, dead because he saw you trying to escape and took you back to Lorenzo. Dead because he went to get Zach to save his life… All of them ended up dead anyway. Jack, Maura, Lorenzo, and my dear brother who had only ever tried to help you. Now June was essentially Tommy’s wife just as you were Joel’s and although you trusted Tommy not to hurt her, she was in a house full of raiders… and Joel.

“Let it out, baby, let it out.” Joel cooed as he thrusted between your legss; one or twice he spit down between them to keep the lubrication going but it wasn’t long before he pulled out, jerking himself as he painted a picture of his cum on your ass and thighs. “Beautiful girl… beautiful.” The cum was like lotion as he rubbed it along you, rubbing your aching muscles… Did he love you? Truly?

When Joel leaves to boil water for the bath, you go to pick up Ellie. You needed her, needed her painfully. You wanted to make up for lost time in those four days she was gone, and away from you; she needed skin to skin, she needed love, she needed her mama’s voice… she needed you.

Joel could hear you from outside the door, peaking through the crack to watch you cuddle his daughter… you were a good mom. You loved Sarah like he did, you cared for her, you wanted the best for her. You just needed to learn, that’s all. Learn that Joel was the only man that mattered, learn that giving Sarah a family with siblings and two loving parents was more important than your own personal feelings. You simple needed to learn that Joel knew what’s best. He’d take care of you, take care of you like he always did; protecting you. He wouldn’t make the mistakes he made with Nick, Tommy, Lorenzo, Jack… Tommy would watch you while he was gone, but he knew Tommy, and Tommy was a simple man. Place a pretty girl in his bed, and it wouldn’t take long before they were fucking, and once Tommy fucked a girl, well… he latched on fast. Probably his mommy issues.

You were so sweet with Dolly, so careful, so attentive… even now, you sang to her and Joel thought this was the only sight he needed to see for the rest of his life: You, freshly fucked and beautiful with Dolly asleep in your arms as you sang.

What Joel didn’t know was your thoughts were consumed by your brother, dead outside with a gunshot in his head. Maybe you could ask him and Lorenzo to be buried together… it was the least you could do for your first protector… your soldier, your guardian who died in vain fighting for your safety after a lifetime of taking your beatings. 

“Leaves from the vine

Falling so slow

Like fragile tiny shells

Drifting in the foam

Little soldier boy

Come marching home

Brave soldier boy

Comes marching home”

The bath after sex felt exactly like it always had.

*******************

YEEEEEEEEEEEESH goodbye Zach and Lorenzo!!! my babies! my favorite couple! (im so sorry fen. I murdered your boy!) Also sorry angela buuuuuuuuuutttt you knew this was happening.

Honestly my heart aches for Zach. I have an older brother who was largly my protector in my childhood, my best friend for so long and I love him lots. Thats who zach is based off of for me but i dont wanna give a faceclaim bc I tryyyyyyy to make little one race inclusive (i know i didn't do perfect with the details of her bruisings but it can be hard) If any of my mutuals wanna see a pic Ill show you XD

Remember when I said taylor russle was June's faceclaim? I lied. I saw a picture of Alisha Boe and was like!!!!!! wait no thats her!!!! so now shes on this header.

JUNE AND TOMMY PLOT TWIST what do we think will happen there??? (June is canon bisexual, so dont let her marrying Maura in ghost of you series throw you off. She's the one who told little one all she really knew about sex.)

PLEASE LEMME KNOW YOUR THOUGHTS AND THEORIES!!!! RBS ARE SO IMPORTANT TO SPREAD WORK but I like you know what you guys are thinkig!!! what part was the hardest to read? what are your thoughts on how this goes? One june and tommy? the deaths of jack and maura as well as tommy and lorenzo? Joel suddenly being very condesending to little one and almost like a schoolyard bully to tommy? all this happening while holding ellie?

He kinda reminds me of Joe Goldberg in You lol carrying Henry around with him on his lil stalking trips

@pimosworld @rubyfruitjungle @moriartyyouwhore @k-ra @the-fox-den @jenna-ortega @alwaysmicado @lunar-ghoulie @ladynightingale @ramblers-lets-get-ramblin @maura-honey @fandxmslxt69 @my-secret-shame-but-fanfiction @not-a-unique-snowflake-blog

[fairycosmos]

hey sorry if this is invasive but how do you know you have depression? things have been harder to cope with for the past month but i am incredibly ashamed of asking for help or even saying out loud because i feel dramatic, attention seeking etc. even realising how much it is affecting my life. do i really need to get it out to get better?

ive had it since i was a kid and my doctor has been aware of it since i was like 11 so it was just smth i grew up with - when im in a particularly bad episode i can tell because im extremely lethargic, unmotivated, don't look after myself, am prone to severe hopelessness and a sense of impending doom following me everywhere + self destruction, i drink more, i get paranoid, i dissociate and feel disconnected from the world around me and from my own body, im numb/sad most of the time, i have panic attacks and cant get out of bed even for things i would usually want to do, im very disorganised and have a flat affect/tone of voice, i don't interact with people much....honestly the list goes on LOL.

it's important to understand that depression manifests uniquely for everybody and if youve noticed a difference in your own behaviour/thinking patterns that is actively and consistently impacting your life negatively - then that is enough of an indicator that something is going on. it doesn't need to be any worse. if it's already difficult, then it's already difficult, and you deserve support with it. to some extent it's some normal to feel ashamed/afraid of reaching out - we're raised in a world that stigmatises mental illness and we've received that messaging for a long time. which makes it feel like the truth, but doesn't mean that it is actually true. i think the bottom line is that you need to treat yourself the way you'd treat a friend going through something like this. you wouldn't want them to cut themselves off from asking for help because they've bullied themselves into silence over what people might or might not think of them. if we want to live in a world that truly supports people with mental health issues in an effective way, then we need to hold ourselves to that same standard. i know it's incredibly overwhelming, and im not saying it's wrong to be anxious or scared about reaching out. i just think actively trying to frame it from a more objective mindset could help you accept what is happening and what the right next step is for you. if you have the opportunity to talk to someone - a hotline, your doctor, a local support group or therapist, even a friend/family member to begin with - i really encourage it. even write down what you want to say or bullet point what's been going on so you don't feel like you're being put on the spot. im sure you're imagining all sorts of reactions, but in my experience, professionals are very accepting of what you're going through and just want to work with you to see how you can process and cope with your current mindset more healthily. whether it's medication, talking therapies, showing you new coping skills - there's a lot that can be done for someone in your shoes. you're not stuck and they're not going to judge you. even if, in some alternate reality, you just wanted some attention - that's not a crime. i think it's natural to want someone to witness and acknowledge us when we're hurting anyway. sorry to ramble - there are a lot of depression self help and coping pdfs that are free and available to download online which offer a bit of support. maybe that could be a good stepping stone if you're feeling super uncomfortable with the idea of talking to someone. we all work on our own timeline and thats honestly ok. but if you're looking for truly personalised and effective help then i think working towards talking to someone is your best option. it's okay to not be happy about that and still do it, like swallowing a medicine that tastes gross. otherwise the thoughts just rot inside you and you get lost in a spiral of depressive thinking patterns and it weighs you down having to manage it all alone inside your head. you become at risk of losing all objectivity and sense of self, which happens to me often and is fucking horrible. if it's possible, i really hope you eventually bring this up to a loved one or a professional. im really sorry you're going through this and i truly hope better days are ahead. sending a lot of love. X

[silent-sentinels]

So like. sending this over here jic, feel free to answer privately or publicly if you want, doesn't matter.

Uh. I know we can't like. FIX your depression but fuck we can still be here for you however you need us to be. We'll stick with you through thick and thin, no matter what. That is a promise. If you need us to do anything let us know. If we could, we'd take away your pain and depression and everything that's making y'all's life hell. We mean it. We love you.

We can't really do much over the internet except send good wishes n shit and positive vibes and. And music. But it's something and. I don't know.

I added a song to y'all's playlist I'd like y'all to Really listen to. Busy Bein' Born by Middle Class Rut. Just found it tonight but it gives off major "I Will Survive Despite It All" vibes. Really persistent sounding and in your face and loud. We'll look out for more songs like that in the future. Cuz when we were in y'all's position it was music that kept us going. And music is, well. All we can really give you to help, besides our friendship, I think.

Sorry this is rambly and everywhere. It's like 5 am at the time of writing this and we're tired and Jimmy's (completely unrelated fhdjdjf) paranoia is bleeding into my feelings and we ramble when we're anxious [lighthearted]. But... Yeah.

The new year's coming up and I know some of y'all aren't looking forward to it but I have a good feeling about it, everything may not be okay but. Y'know. We believe you'll get outta that hellhole sooner or later and finally be okay, hopefully.

Again, we love you. <22 <33

-Stan

hello Stan!! :] we love y'all, you know that? god, "thank you" never really does cover it all hgkj we hope y'all don't feel like y'all aren't doing much, my god y'all are such a good thing in our life, we are always so grateful for y'all. it means so much that y'all are here. it is something!! internet makes it hard, but we always appreciate the kindness y'all give, y'all are so perfectly enough in all that y'all do for us. thank you for being here, we love y'all too <33 <22

it's okay, we'll fix it ourselves, as slow as it is, we're always making our way. and it'll be easier someday! we're hopeful, we really are. (jaded is quite literally the pessimist here, we often forget that not everyone has our thoughts and know when he's being serious or when he's just complaining to complain hgkj a lot of his messages should come with the disclaimer "we're fine im just the little hater" hgkjsk) there isn't much anyone can do right now. but in the meantime, we will survive, we always will. we're honestly past the worst of it, it only gets easier in the long run.

but, thank you <33 <22 !! very good song, very powerful!! the harsh, guttural strums and lyrics :] it's so cool how much rock has gotten y'all through tough times, its a very good genre to keep you afloat. to scream through the storm, to feel viscerally, to keep kicking forward and reach out, hands bloodied, still grasping onto life, onto a furious hope. im glad you've been finding a lot of good ones y'all like from this band, ive been seeing y'all reblog that post with songs from them and it's fun to see what y'all enjoy and recommend :D

it's okay!! we like hearing from y'all, rambling or not, we will always read everything y'all have to say :] <33 <22 im sorry things were hard for y'all last night, with paranoia and everything :'o we love y'all, we hope we can be there for y'all too, even when things get scary or bad. we will love y'all through anything.

it's gonna be okay for all of us i hope, y'all included. i hope there's so much joy for y'all next year. i hope there is so much love and happiness and good for y'all. i hope life is so much kinder. you all deserve it, i promise that.

we love y'all too!! <333 <222

[henrysglock]

I’ve finally had the time to start reading through your big analysis and. Oh. My. God.

I’m gonna rant for a second so I’m like really sorry if this comes across as odd or smth BUT IM SO GENUINELY LIKE VIBRATING IN MY SEAT.

The way you put your words and thoughts together is so incredibly digestible, I’ve always loved wordy and long analysis and essays but because of my neurodivergence it is sometimes hard to keep attention on what I’m reading if the story or subject isn’t captivating to me. Which is something I genuinely worried about, I really wanted to read this analysis because I’ve been waiting for it for so long, but because of the fandom drama and stuff personally it’s been really hard for me to get really into Stranger Things media, wether it be fics or BTS pics or anything like that

That being said, this is the most excited I’ve felt about Stranger Things in so long, and I mean that so literally. I’ve been captivated by your words and thoughts the entire time, I haven’t been able to look away from it except for what I’m doing right now because I NEEDED you to know how much I’m enjoying it, you’re work is always so so amazing and I love all of it so much

I feel the need, the want, to go and rewatch Stranger Things to see all of the things I’ve missed or point out more parallels and odd little notes

And that means so much to me because I miss being excited about this show so so so much, I have not been as excited in so long and I’ve felt genuinely depressed about it- so just thank you so very much you’re so slayful

Also this made me giggle ^

Hi!! sorry it took me like 3 days to get to this :<

I'm really really glad my writing is digestible and engaging. That's something I really worry about when I'm writing longer analyses, because honestly sometimes even I get a little lost when I'm mapping out all the webby connections the writers pack into ST/TFS.

I'm exactly the same, though, when it comes to reading about stuff I'm not interested in: it's like pulling teeth 😭 So it's a really really huge compliment to hear that my work made you excited about the source material again!! I'm just :> waowwwwww lsdkjfdslk <3

The fandom drama is such a turn-off, but I let the spite fuel my love for the source material that much more. I love being able to give a big "fuck you" to everyone who shit on me—I'm just happy people are connecting with my stuff, honestly. I'm so, so happy you enjoyed it, and that it's brought a little life back to the ST experience for you. Thank you so much for the kind words <3 They mean so, so much to me.

Rewatching ST with a new frame of mind is something I've been meaning to do since about halfway through that analysis...and by god I'm going to do it eventually!! It'll probably drive me utterly insane when I do...if you do it, you'll have to tell me if you catch anything I missed (because I am NOT cocky enough to assume I've caught everything; I'm sure that analysis only caught like...2/5 layers of the iceberg aldkjfa)

Also: Martin Brenner Old Man Yaoi will save the fandom—mark my words!!!

[narcissisticpdcultureis]

hi im anon from (734828727660412928/npd-culture-is-deciding-to-give-up-on-friendships?source=share) (hopefully that link works, I don't use tumblr often so I'm not sure how to go about following up asks on anon). just came back to read this blog during a really bad crash im having right now because it cheers me up to know im not alone in having symptoms of this disorder and saw my ask got posted...

(update on friend situation) just today they said in the group chat theyre all drawing gift art for each other and other friends... i'm still waiting on the paid art from them but they're doing art trades and stuff for free so i feel kind of like trash. im a bit of a bleeding heart though so im gonna give them like one more month before telling them not to bother finishing the art for me... id love my money back because it did cost a LOT of money but i dont want to be a dick so im just going to express my disappointment by telling them not to worry about the commission at all. i want to feel like i have some right to be mad in this situation but im very soft hearted and dont really have any other friends so if i lost these friends id have literally nobody else in my life :( and that kinda feels like hell for me to think about... i feel like im being treated like dirt but im still going to go christmas shopping for them.............. even if i feel like shit, i feel shittier if i dont get people gifts and stuff because i just think to myself, like, "i feel like crap if nobody buys me shit for holidays or my fucking own birthday and i dont want other people to feel that way".....

also im feeling a little sad because whenever my friends talk about their friends they dont even refer to me by name theyll go "[friend a name], [friend b name] and oomfie are in our server" or something. im not even a name to them... i feel like the last kid picked on a team but not even the last pick. like have you guys ever been on a sports team and you kinda got awkwardly waved over to one of the teams because nobody even wanted to pick you? yeah.

i wonder if im just really dense and need to pick up on hints that people dont even want to be around me. i even tried to post this video game i started working on lately because i thought it was really interesting and cool and i put my soul into it but everyone just ignored it in the group chat.

i think the social outcast route is probably my best bet at this rate, i think. im going to be pretty fucking depressed about limiting my social interactions but i think the depression from isolation isnt as bad as getting constant narc crashes from people not putting even a tiny bit of energy into friendships. like.. i honestly am not asking for very much. i get fucking narc highs if someone uses my fucking name in a conversation. i get highs from literally the bare minimum fucking interaction of anything directed in my direction im so desperate....

i wasnt going to write up a follow up ask but i just wanted to say thanks to this blog for existing and making me feel like im not completely alone and thanks for the nice comments in the reblogs and tags, it cheered me up. you guys are really nice to me and i'm a complete stranger to you all, it makes me feel like theres some hope for nice people existing out there. im just a little too tired to carry on. thank you all, i hope you have a really good day. keep on surviving out there, it's not a kind world to any of us, and it's tough to stay alive at all.

(apologies for another vent but thanks for posting my asks <3 i wish you all the best and nice days to come. also sorry this isnt in the npd culture format, but i just rly wanted to say thank you for the support on the other ask)

sending hugs (with consent) nonny 🫂 i'm so sorry honestly you deserve way better than how your friends are treating you :( i hope at some point you can talk to them about how they're making you feel and improve the situation because it sounds like you deserve better

[amoonytalks]

0.2 - trying to start a conversation about love and failing miserably

It's 3 o'clock (afternoon) as I write this. I have been procrastinating for days now to start putting this post together, even though I have some bits of it well established in my head and the only thing left to do is to actually sit down and write it. Its a mix of procrastination and not at the same time, but I think the context in general is useless here. What matters is that I'm writing now, if it really matters, if someone is really going to take the time to read a random girl complain about love.

Love. Its probably one of or my favorite subject in the world. I cant explain it, but I have always been fascinated by all the issues surrounding love. We tend to be dazzled by what is unknown. Not that love is actually unknown to me. In my depressed daydreams, I sometimes thought that I didnt deserve love, but nowadays I recognize that I have been and continue to be surrounded by it. Love is in the little things. We have a habit of trying to define simple things in ways that are mostly unnecessary, and love is one of those things that, despite being everyday and natural, trying to put a definitive concept on what love is seems offensive, because love can be many things. If I were to ask a group of different people what love is, we could analyze how each person tends to have a unique vision for various reasons. That is what fascinates me. Love is something Im so curious about that I can hardly help the excitement I feel when I'm asked to talk about it, and I even end up stumbling over words trying to put something together that makes sense to others.

On this blog, we'll still be talking a lot about love, in all its forms and colors. You can be sure of that. But the kind of love I want to talk about today is romantic love. I'd also like to make it clear that if you came to this post expecting an in-depth, scientific analysis of love, sorry, but you can leave. This blog is more about the daydreams I have when the night turns into dawn and baseless philosophical theories. It's more about me than anything else. But I still talk because I believe that somewhere in the universe you would read this and identify with it, or at least welcome it. I have a lot to say and little to add, perhaps.

Im 16. Im still a teenager, going through moments that are probably less stressful than the hormonal upheaval that a 13-year-old goes through, but which are still a bit complex. Nowadays I have a group of friends who make my school career less hopeless than it could be, and honestly, even though I'm not the friendliest person in the universe, I feel comfortable with them. Not as comfortable as they probably feel with each other, given the variety and ease with which they deal with certain subjects, but there is still a sense of comfort, I guess. Anyway, whether you are 16 or not, it's not hard to imagine that there's an incessant search by people in this age group for love. My psychologist says that all our feelings are much more intense at this stage, and love is not so different. Passion, fever, everything is much more intense now than for people who have lived longer.

But its just that in this part of life there we have a false feeling that we had experienced every possible emotional level, but love can be seen very new, because you will rarely truly experience it at a young age. As we grow up, our feelings become more complex, but in contrast, we become more & more mature in dealing with them. But, this is in theory. In practice, we are still the same star mass we were when we born, just with more experiences. But experiences dont always form maturity in certain people. Look, its easy just analyze the amount of ignorant and immature beings we find out there, on the streets, on television and even in positions of supposed power (yes, elon musk. I'm talking about you. you're like a cry baby. or as clarice lispector would say: you're like a hair in the soup). This ignorance is projected into various scenarios, affecting the world in a certain way.

Well, we are still talking about love. We all know that immature people end up hurting people, and you probably know (or you are the person) who has already had a major disappointment in love. They say that breaking a heart in love is one of the most painful feelings in the world, just like losing a piece of yourself. That sounds crazy to me. Dont get me wrong, if you are that person with a broken heart, I would never take away the value of your feeling. Its not crazy that you feel bad about having your heart broken, what I find crazy is the fact that someone, in their merely human and mortal existence like you, can hurt something as precious as a heart. If I were to elaborate further, I would add that my perception of romantic love in certain scenarios is closer to pain than to a positive feeling. Im not going to go into depth, at least not in this post. But if you are wondering why my view is supposedly pessimistic (it's not), know that I say this without ever (fortunately) having experienced disappointment. But if you're the person who had your heart broken and found my speech unfortunate, if it makes you feel a little better, know that I've never experienced romantic love. In any way.

It was because of this that I had the idea to start writing this post while doing the dishes. Its not something unknown or that I suddenly discovered, but it still left me in a state of shock for a few seconds. I'm pretty sure that I'm still very young and that love will still come, but it was a strange shock to realize that among all my friends and acquaintances at my age, Ive been lucky (or unlucky) enough never to have been graced by romantic love. On the other hand, whenever people ask me if I ever liked someone, I say yes. But the reality is that I havent really feeling the feeling of what love is suposed to look like. I have come very close to it, so close that remembering the feeling causes me distress. Because it was painful, like I have already say (but I have that pessimistic view of love even before that). It was like having my pharyngeal pathway blocked by thorns. This whole thing about love not hurting is a lie. Love hurts, just like all other feelings. Even joy can be painful, because while you're feeling it you know that it's going to end and one day your happy moments will just become memories. That could be considered pessimism, but I see it as a way of facing reality.

I believe that never having felt love is also a bit of a misnomer. Everything I know about romantic love comes from stories. And trust me, I have heard a lot of them. As I said at the beginning of the text, Im completely obsessed with this subject, and I think part of this interest started when I saw people talking about it so much. Im curious by nature, but for as long as I can remember I've had people around me treating me like some kind of therapist, what creates a feeling that they can be free to tell me their most secret confessions. Also, It must be because Ive always been an extremely considerate girl towards others, in the sense that Ive always been very fond of being silent and consequently thinking too much, what creates in me a feeling of empathy. The more you think, the more you acquire the ability to be a good analyst. Analytical people give good advice, apparently. I leave that as a tip to make life easier. The more you analyze, the more you know, the more you know, the easier it is to deal with the world. But knowledge, like love, can be very relative.

“The more I knew, the more I wanted to know. He had mad appetites that grew more eager as he fed them” - the portrait of dorian gray (book good as hell)

It's already 6pm. I had more to say, but this text has tired me out. Ivee realized that I go round in circles for too long and in the end I dont even know what Im getting at. I think its because this is still my first post, so unfortunately I still feel a bit stuck… But let's get back to it, so you will have to follow me to know what my big conclusion would be.

Actually, you don't have to. There's no big conclusion. Thats exactly what love is. You start trying to fit words together to try to explain it and in the end you get nowhere. Or it would, if I wasnt so tired. Tomorrow I have a chemistry work at school to present, so I could use that as an excuse, saying that Im only going to close my computer to study. But I definitely wont. I hate chemistry and Im going to study what I need to 5 minutes before my presentation. Normally Im very involved in schoolwork, but this time Im not in the mood for several reasons. One of them is that I have lost patience with my more intimate relationships at school. The same subjects tire me out. Talking for a whole morning about love and sex has become quite exhausting… What the hell?

Love… I genuinely couldnt care less. I lie. I genuinely couldnt care more. Because talking and listening about love every day is definitely taking its toll on me. These days I've started to crave love more than anything else, because it seems so good, the new always seems either good or scary. And when it becomes scary, I feel angry, because instead of making fake scenarios like the ones I usually like to make alone in my room, love comes up like a damned curiosity and Im left trying to dismember a feeling that seems impossible to understand, and not knowing something causes me either stress or fear. I know I shouldn't be afraid of love, but just knowing doesnt make me stop feeling it.

Knowledge is relative. Love is relative. And what could be more interesting than relative things? I wish I had more time to study about love, but school drives me crazy with its unfortunate content load. Anyway! As soon as I have more time, I'm going to study love from a scientific point of view and form my own philosophy. And I will write about it. But until then I will write about other things, obviously, but in my view no other post would be cooler than one about love. Or maybe. I have several ideas.

[mikomikono]

hi miko! im here with a fic writing question… i was thinking about how to make smut good bc recently i feel like whenever i get to the smut part of the fic im writing i get super bored, like im just rehashing whatever ive been writing in every smut scene ive done for years. you and endles came to mind bc i always find your guys nsfw scenes really compelling, and great, and unique. while also being hot and fun (very important w smut!!) so i wanted to ask if you had any tips for keeping things exciting or fresh when you are tackling those scenes! especially because you guys have experience writing the same characters many times over and manage to be so creative and distinct with every scene ive read from you. so, i guess, penny for your thoughts, if you feel like it! (sorry for sending this only to you and asking for both your opinions, it was the simplest 😭. if u want to answer yourself only thats fine haha)

❤️

Heyyyy oh my god I never expected to become someone ppl would come to for writing advice, what an honour 💖 also, I hope you don't mind me answering publicly, bc I feel like this is something a lit of writers struggle with! I will put it under a cut tho, bc I ended up writing quite a bit oops

So. Smut. It's kinda funny you should ask me about that, bc the first proper sex scene I ever wrote was last year for Steamship Sexcapades (bc I am not counting that one feeble attempt at 19 that was so cringe that I hid it away and didn't even think about trying again for like 8 yrs) but I suppose after writing *checks The Canon word count* a lot since then means something :DD

Here's the thing: I also feel like I'm rehashing things. Constantly. There's only so many ways you can say "cock in hole ➡️ thrust" before you're gonna have to repeat some phrases. And honestly, I feel like I repeat phrases remarkably often! But in a way that's all writing! (or that's how I stop myself from getting too depressed about it lol) The readers don't notice! Usually. And as long as you don't use the exact same wording every single time.

Ok, so here's a few tips on what I, personally, think you need to make a good sex scene:

Don't be afraid of the words. Y'know, the first time I wrote "half-hard cock" I (allegedly) had to take a 10min break and texted a friend that I was not going to be able to do this. But after a while you sort of get used to it and the words that seemed embarrassing stop being that, and become just... Words. And you also shouldn't shy away from more "cringe" words! Sometimes its fun to be a little cringe!

Related, you should try to love the words. But that's just good general writing advice, I feel.

Describe the emotions. Most people feel... something towards those they are intimate with, and that should be true in erotica too. It should be especially true in erotica, I think! Even if it's a one night stand, strangers who met in the club 5mins ago, whatever... You want the characters to feel.

Don't forget the physical. This is a thing that might seem a bit... weird. Like, you're writing sex, how could it not be physical? But what I mean is that you shouldn't forget to describe how it feels to the people involved, most notably your POV character. It's very easy to get lost in describing what they're doing and completely forget to get into the actual feeling. You're not writing a sex manual! And I have read fics where half way through I realise that's what it sounds like.

It's never just about the sex. Even if you think it is, it's not. It's about the connection, the narrative, the characterisation... It's about showing something that you can only show through the kind of vulnerable intimacy that sex scenes provide. Even if it's a oneshot pwp, it still has something to say. Maybe that something is wanting to get your rocks off, but also we're talking about fanfiction... We don't read and write that just to get off. It's always about the characters.

Rehashing is fine, actually. As I said, there's only so many ways to describe certain things, and so many ways you can have sex. Except that's not really true, because the secret to keeping it fresh is mixing it up! You can change positions, you can change who's the top/bottom, you can add foreplay (you should) and then change what kind of foreplay you wanna have! You can look into kinks! You can change locations! (I know we've done that a lot) You can add or remove any number of things to make each individual encounter different! And that's the key: repetition is fine, so long as you don't use the exact same everything every time. Case in point, there is a tumblr post which I would link except I'm on mobile, that is titled sth like "list of vocal sounds for smut", which has a list of, well, sounds/verbs (moan, groan, hiss, whimper, whisper etc) and adjectives that could be paired with them (hoarse, needy, quiet, throaty, desperate, wanton etc). The point is, that the best way to keep from sounding repetitive is to mix and match the words so that even if you say "groan" five times in 5k words, it's a different kind of groan every time. The same applies to sex acts! Do you have any idea how much cock Ryunosuke has sucked during The Canon? A lot. But it doesn't feel repetitive (hopefully) because everything else around it is switched up.

And perhaps most importantly: you gotta be at least a little horny for it yourself. I get it, man, writing smut is weird. You sit in front of your computer, staring at the monitor like "hmm is it better to use the word cock or dick or member?" And like... That's not very sexy. But! But!!! At the end of the day you gotta write something that makes you excited! Otherwise what's the point? Why are you writing if it doesn't fulfill you on some level??

Anyway, that's just my thoughts on the matter. If you want more specific help with writing, you can always DM me, I don't mind~

Also, endles says she is too mentally exhausted to properly answer, but she seconds everything I said, especially the point about loving the words. Actually she really wants to say sth about that, so I'm paraphrasing her for the rest of this:

You, as a writer, should love language. You should love the neat little things that language can do and seek out new things to try every time. It's a journey of discovery! Just like sex is always a new journey, even if it's the same characters and the same sex acts, every individual time is a chance to find something new. Let yourself have fun! Write something really stupid and work from that. The way I create scenes by writing jokes, even for serious scenes, because sex at the core is kinda funny. You're standing naked (at least partially) in front of this other naked person and it makes you feel a bit funny.

Also concrete advice: pick a list of 5-10 words you want to use. They can be anything, verbs, nouns, adjectives, as long as you really, really vibe with them, because they make you happy, as long as they're not words you already use a lot. They can also all relate to the same theme if you want! And then find a way to put all those words in.

[pulim-v]

I finished the fern and via playlists! Sorry it took me so long I forgot I could listen to music while doing other things 🙃 here are my random thoughts while listening :]

Im not used to listening to vocoliod music or music in other languages (apart from K-Pop but I feel like maybe that doesn’t encapsulate the genre lmao) I liked a lot of it tho!

I was not expecting 20 songs when I clicked on ferns playlist lmao

Idk the story of Percy Jackson but good kid is very anger issues core

I very much relate to Mrs green apple I really liked that one

These songs are very upbeat (most of them at least) and the lyrics are mostly pretty … non upbeat in many ways (shoutout to lost umbrella for breaking my brain with this) which feels like seems okay on the outside is actually a mess inside. Maybe I’m right or maybe I’m projecting lmao

Istg Renai Circulation sounds like Sofia the first theme song. I mean I haven’t heard it in years but my sister used to watch it and that’s what it sounds like to me

World’s smallest violin!!! I love this song

I really like the bits of Steven universe music in these playlists

Also I’m so mad at you I’ve listened to karma like 6 times since yesterday 

Overall these were good playlists I liked jumping in the minds of your characters. Sorry if these seem a little jumbled! My favorite is sparks or ferns :3

SORRY I FORGOT ABOUT THIS FOR A BIT KASJDHKAJSHDJKAH

Anyways honestly I kinda went overboard w the Vocaloid songs with Fern LMAO I'm a huge fan of them (been getting into Hatsune Miku lately) and a lot of songs speak on similar things to what's on Fern's story

Songs in different languages in general is something I'm just used to since at least half the stuff I listen to is in English lmao (used to be worse when I wasn't fluent in it)

INFERNO (the Mrs Green Apple one) IS SO FUCKING COOL ASKJDHAKSJHD I put it there mainly for coolness points but iirc the actual substance does relate to Fern quite a bit lol (also the title)

Yeah I think Fern is probably the most outwardly fucked up FGCC character but even she hides a lot of stuff (it's just not to the same extent as Mist and Rowan)

Lost Umbrella (and Inabakumori in general) just fucks severely I love how he makes really swaggy music with great animations and then you check the lyrics and it's Distilled Depression

Okay I'll need to get back on you on that about Renai Circulation

WSV IS SO GREAT I WANT TO MAKE AN ANIMATIC ABT IT!!!! Regarding Via's role in That Arc

Oh SU was highly influential for me lmao both my writing and my taste in art are heavily related to stuff in it (like how Fern is Really Lapis-coded)

Do you want me to make the Karma brainrot worse? I can make it worse. (ask me about the Rowan animatic please ask me about the Rowan animatic)

Thanks a lot! I was kinda nervous since a lot of the playlists are Really Short but I'm glad you liked them aksjhdaksjhd

(have you checked the Agate playlist too?? It has a similar amount of songs to Via's iirc)

[leorawright]

oh my gosh how did i miss that u have overwatch matchups available???(it's a very easy answer. i am never on tumblr)

If you would be so kind as to do romantic one for me:

I am a genderfluid afab person and the only thing shorter than me is my patience. I am demisexual/demiromantic, poly, and like all genders.

I get angry really easily but hate showing it so i just end up going around in a bad mood acting like everything is ok

i have pretty bad anxiety and appreciate having someone confident enough around to help me with simple tasks(ex ordering food or speaking on the phone) but who won't make fun of me. I can also send myself into a spiral by thinking of things that stress me out. So someone who is a steady presence i always appreciate.

I enjoy all things creative. I mostly write and draw but am willing to try new things all the time.

I look at things in a very logical way. I don't like using my emotions to make decisions and i enjoy learning new things all the time. I am a naturally curious person who is always looking to expand my knowledge.

I have a mix of so many things wrong with my brain. ADHD, autism, anxiety, depression. I work really hard on them but sometimes i have days where i just struggle.

Mixed and can speak a lil bit of spanish. It isn't perfect but i can struggle my way thru most conversations.

I really like someone who is open with what i do wrong. Just tell me what i need to fix and don't make it into a whole thing. Open communication is very important to me. I don't want to feel like im walking on eggshells around them if they are too sensitive

I am a VERY determined person, once i set my mind on something i won't give up easily. I can almost be stubborn in my pursuit of goals.

I enjoy gaming, reading, watching anime/cartoons(i don't rlly like live action shows), drawing, and learning new things.

I LOVE cooking. Giving food to others and sharing a meal/snacks is a way of showing love to me. I honestly take it a bit like an insult if someone i care about isn't willing to give me a bite of food off their plate. I know it's silly so i never say anything about it or hold it against them. But to me sharing food and wanting others to experience the same good food as you is the same as saying "i love you" a million times.

I like toys and stuffed animals and cartoons and other stereotypically "childish" things. I'm not ashamed of it.. (well... usually...)

I love joking around and a good pun can get me wheezing from laughter.

I'm not much of a social person, and prefer to spend my time indoors and alone with only one or two other people. I enjoy parallel play and comfortable silences.

I hope this wasn't too much... i just can be really wordy and ramble a lot.. sorry!

I've picked out....

Zenyatta!

Definitely the calm presence you need and never ever considers making fun of you for your social anxiety.

He enjoys seeing the things you write and draw and offers genuine compliments about everything

He also encourages having direct conversations and if he ever needs to talk to you he'll get straight to the point

He thinks your determination is admirable. Just make sure you eat and drink and take breaks or else he'll get super concerned

He can't really eat any of the food you make but he wishes he could (if only to see you smile)

Expect to receive a couple stuffed animals that he saw and got because he thought of you

If you enjoy a bit of sarcastic or sassy humor then Zenyatta will definitely make you laugh (he still doesn't really understand normal jokes tho...)

Zenyatta also enjoys comfortable silence especially if he's meditating you're just doing your usual things

[a-court-of-moonlight-and-ire]

auggggggh ive been wanting to make this post for an eternity but i havent been able to because I keep trying to explain myself WELL guess what. Im giving up, heres the song Wenn ich tanzen will from Elisabeth: das Musical with english translations, does it not make you think of what if Feysand was interesting

If you dont wanna watch the whole thing for some reason, I'd like to highlight this part

Fly!

I'll fly alone!

I alone want to accompany you through night and storm

I don't want to be accompanied anymore

Not even by you — I won't let myself be led

You're free only through me

Only through me

Only for me

For me!

For you shall make the way for me

I'm going my own way now

I've seperated myself from you — Leave me alone!

You've fallen in love with me

Because there's no freedom without me

And no one can understand you except for me!

Oh and also this part (theyre kinda singing over each other at this point)

I'm strong enough on my own!

You were only strong as long as you still thought that you were weak

I'm not calling for you!

You will call for me!

I'm not seeking you out!

You will seek me out!

I'm beginning to love my life!

Soon you will hate it!

Okay, I actually lied at the start of this post, I am gonna try to explain myself. My ideal not-boring version of Feysand that I think of when I listen to this song is like. Okay so, the structure of the story is fundamentally the same (except it takes place over a wayyyy longer timespan) with Feyre initially just kinda going about her new life as a traumatized fae and Rhysand coming to pick her up once a month, which ends up helping her because the SC manorhouse is kind of just covered in a bunch of depressing ooze rn (figuratively) and she cant really leave and Rhysand is basically giving her an excuse to hang out in a place without ooze, so its easier for her to have a good time. Rhysand is kinda awkward around her initially because hes basically like "ohhhhhh shit oh fuck, the woman that I tortured UTM as a fucked up way of coping with what Amarantha was doing to is my soulmate!!" because i really hate the fact that Rhysand apparently already knew about her and dreamt about her before she was even fae, it shouldve snapped in place for both of them during that little scene at the end of ACOTAR but Feyre has no concept of how a mating bond is supposed to feel like so shes just kinda like "huh, that felt kinda weird. anyway"

(this inexplicably got very long. like, 6 more paragraphs long. so much for me not explaining myself)

So yeah, Rhysand is hardcore struggling trying to figure out how to win her over despite all of the torture, but fortunately for him all she wants is to be left alone, so he does that, no putting her in unecessary danger and no asking insane favors of her even though theyve only been hanging out for like two weeks. Idrk how, but at some point they would start to get closer, this all happens very slowly, its a true slow-burn. And then one day Tamlin is like "I cant stand it, I need to find a way to break this bargain" so he collects a bunch of guys and he tells Feyre that theyre gonna go out and travel through all of Prythian and maybe even beyond in order to find a way to do it and itll probably take them atleast a few months. And then when Feyre says she wants to come along because this is about her after all, hes like "no, its dangerous and also, if Im gone then the Spring Court is gonna needs its Lady" and then he puts the shield around the manor because yeah, Im keeping Tamlin shitty in this one, sorry. This is about me trying to make Feysand good but trying to figure that out with Tamlin being in-character is too complicated for me rn so Im just gonna stick to the character assassination (thats something SJM probably also said while writing ACOMAF)

So yeah, like in canon, Mor gets her outta there and then Feyre starts permanently staying the night court except shes not going out on political errands because of the war with Hybern because honestly, this whole war plot is so stupid and it feels so unecessary like cmon Sarah girlie, I can tell youre not actually interested in writing politics, just stick to the romance and the healing journey. Anyway, during her stay she inadvertantly starts spending more time with Rhysand and realizing that he suffered too and that hes only human or fae or something like that, which helps her deal with her UTM trauma because she kinda thought of him as the embodiment of all her new trauma, so seeing that hes really not that and that hes just a person that she can make peace with helps her

Rhys is falling head over heels for Feyre because she just reminds him SO much of Cassian while Feyre is kinda conflicted but starting to develop some affection for him, and again, this happens over the course of many many months instead of just two. And after all that time, Feyre is starting feel pretty good and she doesnt really wanna go back to the spring court if shes totally honest with herself and then oops, Tamlin's back! He finds her and hes super worried like "oh my cauldron, feyre, my servants told me he just kidnapped you and they couldnt find a way to free you!! but Im here now and Im taking you back home dont worry" and Feyre feels guilty and shes basically like "yeahhhhh this was totally necessary, I definitely wanna go back... home, its just that he exploited this loophole in the bargain so had to stay here. Totally against my will, oh no it was so bad" and Tamlin tells her not to worry, theyve found a way to break they just need to get back to the spring court so they do that

At the Spring Court, Feyre gets to thinking. She thinks shes basically completely defeated her trauma by hanging out with Rhysand and shes like "well, my trauma was pretty much the main thing that made mine and Tamlins relationship not work, so now that my trauma is gone its gonna be all smooth sailing from here" and she just willfully ignores the fact that his way of coping with his UTM trauma was suffocating her and making it impossible to deal with her own issues and when she pointed it out to him he had a panic attack about it. Also, at this point it kinda hits her that shes been spending all this time with Tamlins enemy and feeling this affection for him that she hasnt really felt for Tamlin ever since theyve been back from UTM and their relationship started getting really bad, so now she feels very guilty and wants to rush into a marriage with him after all. Also, maybe by this point shes revovered enough to take a step back and start focusing on her surroundings again instead of just herself, and she realises that the people of the Spring Court would really need this kind of big celebration after this long time of turmoil and suffering, so maybe that plays into her decision to marry Tamlin as well idk

Meanwhile, Rhysand is back at the night court absolutely CONVINCED that Feyre is gonna come back to him even without the bargain or atleast send him a message or something, because of the mating bond and because by this point he thinks that Feyre loves him back, she just hasnt said it because Tamlin interrupted them or whatever. Yknow, because Feyre stopped throwing shoes at him and started to tolerate his presence somewhat, which are obviously the surefire signs that someone is in love with you. But anyway, Feyre never does get back to him because shes busy with her wedding and also trying very hard not think about either Rhysand or Tamlin too much so she doesnt simply run out into the forest to avoid dealing with all this bullshit

So yeah, Rhysand finds out about Feyre marrying Tamlin and he gets very upset and so he winnows to the Spring Court on the day of the wedding. Feyre has just been dressed up in this gorgeous pastel pink and green pantssuit (thats very important for the story) and now Ianthe is leaving her alone for a bit before the grand wedding ceremony. At this point Rhysand comes in and they have a confrontation thats basically just the song except in dialogue-form, remember when this post was about a song I really like, yeah me neither. During this confrontation I really want Rhysand to bring up the mating bond and kinda throw it in her face and I want Feyre to basically respond "oh, so now the guy who always preached about giving me choices and not letting others decide for me is gonna get on my case for not doing what some god wants from me, gtfo" and thats basically how it ends. Then the next book is the book where Feyre hay to make the choice between Tamlin and Rhysand because its a romance series at the end of the day, so even though I would like the last book to just be Feyre ending up single and going on her own adventures, I recognize that thats not a great ending for a romance series so

I wanna end this off by saying that I was trying to only focus on the romance for this because its easier, if I were to write my ideal acotar sequel it would look different than this even if I used the original acomaf as a base. So yeah, thats it hope you enjoyed my 7am ramblings, I have been awake for three hours already writing this

[misspickman]

6, 21, 25 with tim for the ask game? 🦭

6. What's something you have in common with this character? Not much honestly?? Um. We were both failing physics at one point. Depressed. A joke answer is we both love making lists but to be fair tim has made one list that we know of we just love making fun of him for it

21. If you're a fic writer and have written for this character, what's your favorite thing to do when you're writing for this character? What's something you don't like? I love it when tim is aware hes being kind of an asshole and isnt proud of it but still doesnt apologize. Like i love writing him thinking yeah i should say im sorry and then not doing that. Hes very compassionate but hes not always great at expressing it and admitting hes wrong. What i dont like.. I dont like writing tim whump i guess bc im too afraid ill make him fanony

25. What was your first impression of this character? How about now? Oh it was way different bc i did start from wfa and then went on to read comics. So my impression went kind of: All That -> wow none of that was true and hes an even more fun and interesting character than i thought! -> he lives in my brain

[rosenallies]

Rosé is always so caring to everyone! How about a phone sex prompt where she is slowly overextending herself (taking care of Nali, her siblings, overdoing it at work..), and it finally hits her all at once. Maybe she passes out and scares everyone around her, causing them to pause on how much she's doing for everyone? (Might sound a bit depressing, but i'm honestly feeling so down so slight angst feels the way to go)

I’m so here for phone sex au lately prob bc im also so incredibly depressed but <3 yes<3 ty for this I hope u feel better <3 also sorry if there’s typos I’m very very sleepy tired rn but I wanted to write a bit before bed so I can have something to think about before I fall asleep besides my own issues <3

——

“Yeah, yep, Jan, I’ve got it,” Rosé huffed, head swimming as she tried to focus on her sister’s words over the phone and the grocery list she hadn’t bothered to actually write down before coming into the store.

“I just wanna make sure you’ve got all the details down now so when Christmas comes it’s not stressful.”

If Rosé’s vision hadn’t been flickering in and out she might’ve rolled her eyes, but as Jan droned on and on about what to get the kids for Christmas and exactly how Rosé should cook the turkey and how Lagoona wanted her to bake those cookies everyone likes, Rosé’s brain came in and out of focus like a wonky TV station.

“Rosie, are you okay?” Her sister suddenly asked, pausing her rambling.

“Yeah, ‘m fine,” she muttered, squeezing her eyes shut, “I’m just trying to find Denali those protein bars she’ll eat and-“

“Rosé, you’re scaring me, can you go sit down? Tell Denali to come get you, you don’t sound right.”

“Jan, I’m fine,” she insisted, yet she felt anything but, a sudden tightness in her chest making her gasp and fall to her knees in the middle of the grocery store.

••

“Rosie? Oh god, Rosie,” Rosé heard a muffled voice beside her as she blinked awake, a constant beeping burrowing it’s way into her brain and making her head ache.

She kept blinking, the room suddenly coming into focus, Denali tear stricken face the first thing she saw.

“Nali, baby,” she croaked as gently as her sore throat would allow, reaching for the younger girl, “what’s the matter? I’m here now-“

Denali shook her head, holding onto Rosé’s hand tightly. “You shouldn’t be worried about me right now, you should be worried about you, don’t you know why you’re in the hospital?”

Truth be told, Rosé had just now come to the realization that the unfamiliar room where she was, was indeed a hospital room and it was her connected to a drip, the constant beeping signaling her own vital signs. “I-what happened?”

“You passed out while shopping, Rosie,” Denali sniffled, taking her hand and resting it against her warm cheek, “I was so fucking scared when the hospital called me.”

“I’m so sorry, baby,” Rosé replied shamefully.

“No, you don’t need to be sorry, I need you to relax. The doctors said it was just a panic attack but that it could start to cause stress on your heart if you continue to be anxious like this.”

“Panic attack?”

The words felt wrong in Rosé’s mouth, she’d had many panic attacks before and none of them ever left her unconscious on the floor of a grocery store. She supposed it had been building, her body finally protesting.

Denali squeezed her hand. “Maybe you should try going back to therapy? I’ll help you find a good one just like you helped me.”

Rosé felt shame and disgust in herself, weak for needing help when she was supposed to be taking care of those around her, that’s who she was, that’s who she’d always been.

“I know what you’re thinking,” Denali said softly, reaching forward and brushing a sweaty strand of hair from her face, “but it’s okay to ask for help. Let me take care of you for once. You trust me, don’t you?”

“I-I do, but Nali-“

“No buts,” Denali insisted, “when they called they said they’d thought you’d had a stress induced cardiac event and even though that wasn’t the case, it’s not too far off. I love you too much to let you suffer.”

Previously unshed tears began to fall from Rosé’s eyes, a gentle stream down her cheeks. “I-I’m s-sorry, I-I l-love you too,” she cried, reaching for Denali who crawled in bed beside her, rules be damned. She gently guided Rosé’s head to her chest just like Rosé had done for her so many times before.

“Shhh, shh,” Denali soothed, “I’ve got you.”

Denali soothed her until she fell back asleep, so clearly exhausted. She was dead to the world when Denali snuck out of the bed to talk to Rosé’s sisters on the phone.

“How is she?” Jan demanded to know the second she picked up.

“She’s okay,” Denali sighed, “we’ve got to give her a break, though. It was just a panic attack but that’s just this time, next time it could be her heart.”

“Take good care of her, okay? Tell her Goona and I will figure out Christmas, we don’t want her lifting a finger.”

“Me neither,” Denali agreed before hanging up, having the same conversation with Lagoona and heading back into the room.

“You left me,” Rosé said softly when she came back in.

“I was talking to your sisters,” she explained, getting back into the bed beside her, “we all agree that you’re not allowed to do anything for the time being.”

As much as not being needed scared her, Rosé couldn’t help but smile to herself. “Thank you, Nali.”

Denali tried to fight her smile, but she was so glad Rosé wasn’t putting up a fight about this so she kissed her temple and snuggled close. “You don’t need to thank me, I promise. I’m just doing what I need to do because I love you, that’s how love works. You take care of me, I take care of you.”

[ohyoru]

Hey im not good with words or english, but its ok to feel burnt out or tired. Youre not obligated to provide anything to us. You are an author who writes for free. Maybe to have fun maybe to express yourself. You have your own life and thats a good thing. I havent been playing genshin in a while because theres so much work i need to do there like building characters. I havent watched link click s2 because i cant bring myself to sit down for that long. Im sure everyone has something like this happening to them and i just remind myself that it doesnt matter that much. Post unfinished things, make your character builds crap, dont finish a book youve started it doesntmatter. Its about having fun. Its about forgetting your problems(at least for me) or its about spending time with your online friends. Taking a break is necessary. Spending time for yourself is necessary. Taking care of yourself is necessary. I hope i could get my message across. I cant even take my own advice seriously as im too scared to post this without anon but i hope i was able to make you feel better somehow. I also want to say i really love your works even if i dont know who the person you’re writing about is. Ive been following your works for a while and i dont regret it one bit. I would be pretty sad if you were to stop writing for certain people but if it makes you feel happy then i dont mind and im sure others wouldn’t mind it as well. Youre free to do whatever you want ( as long as youre not intruding on other peoples freedom obviously) thank you for reading my wordvomit written in an attempt to comfort you.

dearie anon,

to have you in my inbox is already a blessing enough for me. thank you so much for taking the time of your day to cheer me up, you have no idea how much this means to me (brb crying i dont deserve you sob)

first of all, your message got across. i'm not sure about your english being not good part, but really, your message resonates with me on a level deeper than language can ever explain, truly.

i appreciate your kind reminder that i shouldn't feel obliged to write for anyone. i honestly feel like it's eating me out because i put myself in the equation as well. i had been a writer before, back when tokyo revengers (anime) was still in its first season since i'm more of a manga reader. if you were in that era, you might came across my work. alas, things happened. what used to be good memories (including writing) turned into very hurtful ones and i stopped doing what i love because they're causing me so much pain. nonetheless, i still slowly died inside. it took me a while to be at peace with my past and understand that writing is what makes me the person i am. so i'm determined to start again and keep it up. but when life gets in the way and hold me back from writing (again), it depresses me. (including not playing genshin). honestly, i'm feeling lonely. what and who i used to know and love seemed to only exist in the past. people moved on, topics became irrelevant, relationship broke. which i don't blame, but it still makes me cry once in a while.

sorry for the traumadump uh- i feel like i should explain myself a little. i hope that didn't scare you too much. but anyway, you're right! i should do whatever i want. maybe i need to reframe my perspective. i love that you mention about reading book thingy because i have the same issue and yes, i'm a reader through and through. but it's been so long since i read.. the irony. maybe all i need to do is start. and love myself a bit more to stop torturing myself with unnecessary thoughts..

you know what anon? i love the past me. i dont remember exactly what i love about her, but she used to be so at peace. i'm trying to find my way back to her, and i think you're helping me set my way there, so thank you. i dont know about your problems, but if you're willing to share, i'm more than happy to listen. don't forget to take care of yourself too okay? i hope your days ahead are the loveliest yet!

also, thank you for appreciating my works! when i started writing again, i told myself and whoever that's willing to take the time of their day to consume my content that i don't need anyone's attention or approval (shadowban be damned. if it happens, it happens). i did it solely for myself. but god knows how much your kind words and others' fill up the spaces in my heart.

i'm not going to ask anything from my works. your support is something i could never repay, but i'll always appreciate it from the bottom of my heart.

(btw yes, you did send this on anon hehe i got a hunch on who you might be but if you prefer to keep it a secret, then rest assured, your secret is safe with me!)