#just today I listened to All Too Well (10 minutes) twice in a row because of that boy and I died a little inside

[vro0m]

vro0m’s rewatch - 154/310

2015 Monaco GP

And it’s already time for the worst GP of the year... yay...

So I don't have the full broadcast for this one and honestly I'm kinda glad because Monaco is so damn fucking long as it is already. 

Welp now I have it and I have no excuse not to watch it so here we go. (Spoiler : retrospectively the full broadcast was so worth it)

Lewis is on pole. Nico locked up and messed up his lap, twice in a row. Hill says Lewis has struck back after what happened in Spain and compliments him a lot but Simon calls him out, because if you remember he said he'd been too distracted during the break and Lewis hit back at him (I don't know if it's figuratively with the racing or if he said something about it). Johnny is grinning from ear to ear listening to him trying to justify himself now. Hill says nobody likes to have people commenting on their lifestyle but– Simon cuts him off : does he stand by it though? He maintains he thinks there is something in it, he thinks you can't travel the world and show up at the race at your best jetlagged and all. Simon asks for Brundle's opinion. Brundle says it's not his place to comment on how he lives his life, he seems very relaxed compared to how he feels himself sometimes. Johnny chuckles. Brundle thinks Lewis looks very comfortable and at the top of his game. He says right before his final run, Lewis went "okay guys let's all just calm down." Apparently it wasn't going too well and then he aced it and Nico made a mistake and that's that. 

Let's hear from Lewis himself. He says it feels very special and wow the broadcast is shit it's completely lagging. He says it feels like a great achievement and it's gonna be a tough race no doubt (can't hear, can't hear) Natalie says he's only won one and by his own very high standards that's not enough, can he win again? (can't hear) …it isn't enough but he's grateful for the one he does have and he'll work as hard as he can to win a second one today. 

Simon says he's read somewhere that Lewis went away to work on a couple of areas he felt he'd been weak over the years on this circuit. He says it shows his attention to details. 

Anyway it's Lewis' first Monaco pole! Of course Nico is right behind him. Then it's Seb and Daniel, Kvyat and Raikkonen, Perez and Maldonado, Verstappen and Jenson. 

Meanwhile Nico could become the fourth driver in history to win 3 Monaco GPs in a row after Graham Hill, Alain Prost and Ayrton Senna. 

Oh god… Lewis went to play football?! With fucking Thierry Henry?!

There are famous people there but I don't know who they are so I'm not impressed. Some of them are not in elite-athlete shape so I’m guessing either retirees or not sportsmen.

So yeah, Thierry's team won. Oh they have a lovely talk. It's a looooong one though (like it lasts almost 10 minutes) so I'll just tell you about what interests me the most and post the thing afterwards so you can listen for yourselves. 

Lewis says Thierry has been doing it for years but for him it's the first time (the video has a bug I think?) then he says he never played in front of people and Thierry says neither did he and they laugh. 

"The guys were really happy to be around you," Thierry Henry tells him, "at the end of the day you ARE, you know, a living legend, like they're saying."

I like his calm voice and demeanour, it's attractive. Lewis denies it but Thierry doesn't care, he insists : "Yes you are! You know, you're gonna play it down obviously because you're humble."

(Look at him babygirling I’d say he finds Thierry as attractive as I do)

A bit later he says : "I always explain to people that when I do something to win, I see, if I can say, myself in Lewis because he wants to win everything. Everything that he does." Lewis says he thinks they share the same mentality, when you go out there it's do or die. "I hate losing. Do you hate losing?" he asks. Thierry scoffs. He says he doesn't understand people telling people they should be good losers. They agree that they don't know what that is, (although of course Lewis has shown us he knows, since then. Or maybe he's learnt since then. Idk.) Lewis says he thinks people like that will never be champions. (Yeah. He definitely learnt. There's a difference between not caring about losing and losing with composure, if you know what I mean. That might not be the best way to word it but you get it, I trust that you do.) 

They must have recorded right after the Spanish GP because Lewis talks about getting a lot from what happened "yesterday". He feels like because he had to gain some places back he was more successful than maybe if he'd won the race. He calls it a challenge of composure. (But that's literally what I was saying about being a good loser. The same word even, lmao. Lewis you do get it you dumbass (affectionate)). He talks about the moment when Bono told him not to try and catch Nico at the end because he wouldn't be able to. He's proud of overcoming all that and not getting flustered. He then says he knows he needs to be better prepared than ever, he says the previous year he wasn't prepared the best he could for Monaco. "I've had a good car for the last two years and I haven't capitalised on it," he adds. (Bro you won the title, is Monaco really that important that you would say you didn't capitalise on it?) He thinks third time's lucky. 

Thierry asks how you find the right balance with a teammate. He says it's not easy as a footballer to be an individual in the collective. Lewis says he doesn't get paid to lift the other one up. On the one hand you want the other guy to be second for the team, but at the same time sometimes you want "the Ferrari guy or someone to take points away from that guy". "You wanna be a team player, but also you wanna win."

He's gotten older though (he says 'a lot' but he's 30 at this point so I refuse that) and now he thinks there's an opportunity to be a leader. (Oh that’s truly… Actually I've been thinking this season we’re seeing more and more of the current Lewis in him and that's another thing he did actually emulate right? He definitely did become that leader in the end.) When he was younger he only thought about "me me me" and wanting to win and nowadays he thinks if he wants to earn the place to be a team leader for all these people, there's a way he needs to conduct himself. Even though he wants to win, he also needs to make sure the team gets a 1-2. 

Thierry says it's like the guy on the bench, he might need to replace you for the end of the game or because you're injured, and you need him to win for the team so you give him advice and lift him up but if you give too much, you might become the guy on the bench, and you might find out that once that guy plays he's not looking at you anymore. That's where he sees a similarity between them in that sense. People don't get it, how you need to be nice but not let him take over. He jokes : "I will help you. But you will never play."

Lewis says the thing with F1 is that everything is recorded, from your heart rate to the vibrations. So you don't even need to tell the guy, he can just go in the backroom and look at it. "All of your talents are on display." He says the difference in your heart and in your ability can still come through even though it's diminished because of that. (I never thought of that part, actually. I didn't know they had such easy access to their teammate’s data. I guess it depends on the team and all that as well but yeah it makes it that much more difficult to navigate. It's kinda crazy to think that eventually Lewis developed in such a way that even with that data his teammates aren't able to emulate him? Or maybe they didn't have as much access anymore after that brocedes fiasco? I wonder.)

I still wrote most of it down in the end because pretty much all of it was interesting lol. Thierry says "see you soon on the field". He adds he won't see him on the track because it's too dangerous for him. "I'm soft." They laugh.

Back on the track it's another footballer. Fucking Cristiano Ronaldo. Meh. We see super models greeting Lewis in the garage, I think it's Gigi Hadid? Idk. Idc. They're with Spinz. While Johnny says he does think Lewis took control of his life and the whole management thing had a role in that too, we see Lewis joking around with the models, handing them his steering wheel then his very heavy bling necklace. Johnny says he feels comfortable with everything that's going on around him which is funny because it's true of his life and of the models lol. "Something he hasn't had for many many years," he continues, "he's always been open on that fact." And it gives him ultimate confidence on track. (I like Johnny Herbert I have to say, I feel like he's often right and doesn't take any of it too seriously.) 

There's a segment about Jules winning Marussia points here in 2014 and it makes me incredibly sad to hear these people talk about him. They all sound so proud. Max Chilton, his teammate at the time, says he got goosebumps just talking about it.

It's time for Lewis to get in the car, the models have to go. Oh, Nick is there! They hug.

I also read that Mercedes announced that they renewed Lewis' contract for an additional 3 years ahead of the weekend! Somehow I don't think they mentioned it during the broadcast but maybe I just missed it idk. 

Formation lap. 

They're racing! 

It's a tight start, Lewis is ahead but just about. Behind him, Nico is level with Seb and there's a Red Bull, Daniel I imagine, trying to get in-between them but locking up as he tries not to collide with the Ferrari. The cars fall into place, it's actually Kvyat who almost made contact, he got ahead of Ricciardo. Yellow flags in sector two. Yeah someone is in the barriers and reversing. It's Hulkenberg. As he tries to go away again he runs in the debris of his own car. The marshals jump the barrier to take them away. His front wing is gone. Massa is dead last and saying on the radio it's finished. What happened to him? Ohhh on the replay we see Hulkenberg was actually SENT into the barriers by Alonso… Hulkenberg pits, and Massa pits and they're both getting new front wings. And Max and Maldonado make contact. Verstappen is trying to race wheel to wheel in Monaco. Which isn't a thing. Unfortunately. But tbh good on him for trying. Alonso gets a 5 second time penalty for the collision with Hulkenberg. Max and Maldonado are indeed wheel to wheel and it made me inhale through my teeth, it's scary scary. I mean. It would be scary with any drivers but it's Max and Maldonado. On paper, terrible pairing for wheel to wheel racing on a tight street circuit. Verstappen takes P8. Ted says Maldonado has a brake by wire failure so things are gonna get worse for him. Yeah, they retire him. 

It's lap 10. Lewis, 3.1 in the lead, is told to manage his front left brake. Behind him it's of course Nico, then Seb, then Kvyat and Daniel, Raikkonen, Perez, Verstappen, Jenson and Alonso is currently P10. Lewis is having issues with brake balance and temperature. It's affecting the strategy, Ted says, as they're telling him he's not making a gap to Seb quick enough now. It's so early in the race to be struggling, I'm worried. 

Lap 20. Lewis is 3.9 ahead now. The order behind him is obviously unchanged. He's told the brakes are coming under control and he can reduce lift and coast. Nico is told it's important to reduce the gap to Lewis in case there's a Safety Car. A bit later, they tell him prime warm up looks better than they thought so Vettel is a threat to the undercut, hence he has to push. He's not getting closer to Lewis though. Lewis complained he lost time in traffic but now it's Rosberg and Seb caught in it and it's helping him a lot. 

It's lap 30. Lewis is 8.6 ahead and the pit stops are ongoing. After the top 3 it's now Daniel, Raikkonen, Perez, Jenson, Kvyat, Alonso and Nasr. Verstappen is just exiting the pit lane after a 31.0 wheel change in a 52.821 pit stop. His race is ruined. Seb pits. Daniel pits. Nico pits to cover Seb. Raikkonen pits. Nico is still ahead but it was close. 

Lap 40 (sigh). Lewis still hasn't stopped and he's 8.2 ahead. Why aren't they pitting him. He's losing time. Behind Seb is now Kvyat, Raikkonen is P5, then Daniel, Perez, Jenson, Alonso and Nasr. Nico just set the fastest lap… Alonso just went straight on in a run off area. He's out. 

Lap 50. The Monaco gp is always so testing for whatever is wrong with my brain wiring istg. It makes me wanna bite things really hard. Anyway, Lewis is, guess what, still ahead, by 10.8 seconds. So there was no reason to worry about Nico earlier. But he clearly must have stopped and I missed it because otherwise it wouldn't be possible. I mean this race is fucking boring and I can't focus so no surprise. Anyway. They keep showing us "battle for P2" between Seb and Nico but Seb is over 1.5 seconds behind so they're really grasping at straws there in reality. 

Lap 60. Lewis is a healthy 15 seconds in the lead. Bla bla bla. Please make it end. Max tries to overtake Grosjean in the hairpin and can't make it. That's another risky pairing. He's told to push the engine. Oh. Guess what? They crashed. It's actually a quite heavy one… One of them changed direction and Max's front left hit his rear right. That suspension is shredded and Max goes straight into the barriers at high speed. It must have hurt… Grosjean is able to leave the scene. All the RBR mechanics have horrified looks on their face. Can we hear him over radio? He's moving. Virtual Safety Car. From his on-board we see him hand his steering wheel to the marshals. "You OK Max?" – "I'm OK." He's struggling to climb out of his car though, maybe because it's embedded in the tepco barrier. He's up and out. Safety Car. Max is being checked upon by marshals. Ooof the replay is scary, that must have been a serious amount of Gs. On the radio Grosjean asks if he has damage. "He's a (beep) that Verstappen. That was stupid." Plenty of Safety Car pit stops. Wow. We see Verstappen's car hooked on a crane and the marshals are reaaaally struggling to extract it from the barriers. It's quite shocking how deep into it it went. Lewis pits???????????? He had to wait a bit to avoid an unsafe release. 

Oh shit. Nico is ahead. Lewis and Seb are side by side behind the Safety Car. Now what. Lewis is P3. No, come on. If Nico wins I quit. Not really but that would be infuriating. How did they fuck up that much, Lewis will be furious. Ted says Lewis on the radio said "I've lost this race, haven't I?" but Bono answered not if they lose tyre temp and he'd be fast behind on supersofts but that would work IF WE WERE ON A FUCKING TRACK ON WHICH YOU CAN FUCKING OVERTAKE FOR FUCKS SAKE 

Ooooh this is so frustrating. 

Lewis asks "what's happening guys?" and Bono says they're reviewing a video? What's that about? Is it about P2? Because we just saw a replay of him leaving the pits and he was clearly behind Seb if that's what he's on about. Seb on his radio says he was in front. Yes you were. He's told they can see from the TV and it was clear. Brundle keeps talking over the radio message to say the same thing just shut the fuck up man. We know. 

10 laps to go. He needs this SC in but they have to repair the barriers… lapped cars can overtake. Brundle is pissed because that's optional and they don't need to do it. Honestly fuck off. (I'm sorry I'm really pissed off by this race.) Yeah that's a lot of lapped cars but still. What's the use keeping them lapped that's just traffic for the midfield. Be real. Bono : "Lewis can you let us know who was ahead when you crossed Safety Car Line Two?" – "Nico was ahead. I was alongside Sebastian." No you weren't love I thought we'd left the bad faith with McLaren come on. Seb is complaining : "This is like sending swimmers to swim with weights on their legs, this makes no sense. We need at least two, three laps at better pace to get a bit of temperature, I mean this is a joke." 

Safety car coming in at the end of lap 70. That'll leave them 8 laps. Fucking hell. 

Here we go. Lewis is all over Seb's rear, he needs to get ahead quickly so Nico can't get away but if he rushes he'll crash. I'm losing my fucking mind. He can't make it. Nico is already over 2 seconds ahead. You can tell he's pissed from the way he drives. Don't fuck it up though… DRS is enabled. Daniel overtook 2 cars since the restart and is up in P4 but very honestly who cares right now. 

5 laps to go… Nico sets the fastest lap. He says it's impossible to pass. I need you to try though, like last race, don't give up. And Daniel sets the fastest lap, he's right behind Lewis, so I guess he became relevant in this race after all. He's under investigation for pushing Raikkonen wide though. 

3 laps to go. Bono : "Strat mode five and you have strat mode two available." – "Please stop talking to me, please." He's losing on Seb, getting closer to Daniel, I'm so very very angry at this race how did they fuck up THAT BAD. No further action for Daniel. Come on Lewis. Fight back please. 

It's the final lap. I can't believe what I've seen. And Daniel is told if he can't overtake Lewis he'll have to give his position back to Kvyat. 

It's the end of the race. 

And so Nico fucking wins fucking Monaco fucking again. Seb is P2 and Lewis is P3. Ricciardo did give the place back to Kvyat. 

Bono : "Sorry about that Lewis, mate. Just going to have to have a word with the pit wall." 

I have no words. 

Lewis stopped by the side of the track?! He's gone again. What was that. 

Ted tells Niki it seems like the team has lost Lewis the GP. "Yes, clear." Why on earth did they pit him? "I don't know. Confusion… in the overhead… I will say… a lot of people talking. And, wrong decision." Ted is adding fuel to the fire saying the Ferrari weren't even about to pit, there was no threat and the gap wasn't big enough. "Full agree." He says he was listening to the talks and there was too much confusion. Ted asks, if he's the boss now, how does he handle it and how does he handle Lewis, who's gonna be "absolutely spitting blood." Niki says he honestly feels really sorry and even apologised to his engineers. It's unacceptable. He asked Toto to analyse it properly and see what the mistake was.

Rosberg is out of the car, Seb is out of the car, Lewis' car isn't even there. 

Ted is with Toto now. He tells him Niki said it was unacceptable. "You've lost Lewis the grand prix. Why?" Toto says they did, they made a mistake, they thought the gap was a different one than it actually was, then Lewis called in that the tyres temp dropped and he had no grip. "A complete misjudgement." (As he talks Lewis finally arrives and straight up runs over the P3 sign.) Toto says he's just so sorry, "we just screwed it up for him". Ted says he's already apologised on the radio, what is he gonna say to him? He says there's nothing else to do but to apologise, and apologise, and apologise. (You know what else there is to do, actually? find out what happened and make sure it never ever EVER happens again, but we already know that it did.)

Lewis slowly, methodically, gets out of his car, while Nico is beaming on the side. Lewis is walking very slowly to them. Seb offers his hand first.

Lewis shakes it but barely looks at him. Seb whispers in his ear as he sets down his helmet (while I make the gif I hear "[something] won this race", possibly you should or would have won this race).

Nico did not make one gesture in his direction, he's still smiling on his side. They head up the short flight of stairs to the Monaco royalty. He's just so happy and expansive about it honestly it infuriates me. Like I get it, he's happy, he's won Monaco three times in a row but fuck that.

But Lewis is good so he walks up the stairs, taps Nico's shoulder and shakes his hand.

(See now the whole conversation with Thierry Henry just. Yeah I don’t need to spell it out, you get it.) Charlene pats his shoulder amicably after kissing his cheeks.

He barely lifts his trophy to the crowd without a smile and sets it down.

Seb says something to him again.

He looks down during the anthem. Nico's satisfied grin as Lewis wipes his face istg. I know it's not his fault but he's so grating right now. Also Lewis' face… if I was from his side of the garage I would be shitting myself. The crowd is chanting his name though. He gives them a thumbs up but it doesn't cheer him up.

They hand them champagne. Nico grabs his bottle and runs off with it. Lewis walks away with his.

Some official stops him in his tracks though as he's truly walking away.

The interviews begin. Will he even talk to Brundle? 

Nico says he's very happy but he also knows it was just a lot of luck today. "Lewis drove brilliantly and would have also deserved the win for sure. But that's the way it is in racing." Lewis is back, we see him sitting down behind Nico with his head bowed still. Honestly… this is such long moments after a race like that it must suck so bad. Brundle asks Nico if he has an explanation as to why Lewis was brought in and not him, he says he doesn't. You don't know the decisions being made as you're in the car. The restart on cold hard tyres was very hard but it worked out. 

In his interview Seb smiles as he says it was pretty close but he's confident he was ahead of Lewis out of the pits. He's happy to be on the podium again and he feels like they were closer in the race than they were in quali. 

Yeah Lewis does NOT want to talk. Brundle says he thinks he speaks for millions of people when he says he's sorry for him. Behind him, the whole royal family starts clapping for him.

The whole crowd starts cheering for him. "Yeah that was not… the easiest of races. But you know the team has done amazing all year long and we win and we lose together so uh…”

“You know I'm just grateful for the job that I did and congratulations to Nico and Sebastian."

… He's matured a lot, hasn't he? It makes me genuinely emotional. Remember the first seasons? He's grown so much. Also it's remarkable how he actually doesn't get very angry but rather sad. I'm pissed af as you can tell. He's just disappointed.

Brundle asks if he can tell them why he was pitted. He takes a big breath in. "I'm sure we'll sit down afterwards and try and think of ways we can improve." 

How bad do you feel now, Brundle asks. You've lost a Monaco grand prix it's been taken away from you. What's going through your mind? "... Uh… come back to win the next one."

A couple of people in the crowd yell "yeah!" and people start clapping, including the Royal family again. 

I just realised Nico's ears are absolutely not the same size. 

I read that in the post race press conference Lewis said the stop was made after he complained of his tyres, and he thought both Nico and Seb had already stopped. He was asked if he'd have full confidence in the team's strategy after that and said yes. 

Max got a 5 place grid penalty for the next race after his crash with Grosjean. He also got 2 penalty points. Oh wait lol. Until now I was like yeah okay, fair. But then I read that he claimed Grosjean brake tested him. Bro stfu. We all saw what happened. Grosjean did not slow down. Verstappen was criticised by Massa, who said he deserved the penalty. He said he did nothing wrong and pointed Massa to his own accident with Perez in Canada 2014. Bold move child. Sit down and drink your milk. 

Let's check out the postrace content now that I have it.

They sent Ted to talk to Nick. He says they're all gutted, he did such a good job. He's massively proud of what he's done yesterday and today. He seems emotional. He says he doesn't know and he doesn't want to comment on it. Ted explains what Mercedes said the mistake was due. He talks about Senna who crashed and went straight to his apartment. Nick says you can see Lewis' emotions right away. He's obviously hurting right now, but he's gonna remain positive. He says he'll make sure to give him as much support as he can, he knows he's there for him and hopefully they can pick him up and get him ready for the next one. Ted says this race kinda means more to him than others, "100%" Nick answers. Monaco is very special for everyone. 

From the commentators cabin, Crofty says he can see just above Mercedes garage, in the offices, Paddy Lowe, Toto Wolff, Bono and James Vowles. They've been talking for 15 minutes, basically since the end of the race. 

We get to hear what Lewis says in the press conference. He's not okay. He says he can't express how he feels so he won't attempt to.

He says he saw a screen and it looked like the team was out so he thought Nico had pitted. He couldn't see the guys behind him so he thought they were pitting. The team told him to stay out so he said the tyres are gonna drop in temperature, assuming the guys behind would be on options, while he was on hards, so they told him to pit. So he went in with full confidence that the others had done the same. 

Natalie bravely went to interview him as well. Let's see how that went. Oh fucking hell. Natalie starts by asking if sorry is enough from the team. He says yes with a small smile but it sounds like he's about to break.

She asks how he gets over this, because none of them can imagine how frustrated he is, and angry. He says he'll refocus tomorrow, enjoy his evening, and try to win the next race. "As simple as that?" – "It's all I can do."

She said they talked before about him wanting to be a leader in the team, is that just another big challenge he has to overcome in that respect? "Um… Yeah, I guess so." – "So you can actually be that reflective and you can actually say to yourself 'you know what I can be the bigger man here, I can grow, I can learn from this'?" He says it's very difficult at the moment, "but you know I'll…" He interrupts himself, looks down and shakes his head.

"I'm world champion so I need to behave like one and I'd like to be the team leader and I think today I showed my pace, I showed what I can do here in Monaco and… So… I feel content in my heart that I did everything I could." (The cameraperson is struggling real hard and just zooooomed on his cheekbone freckle lol) Natalie asks if he's spoken to the key strategist. He says no but it was a collective decision between all of them (he says “us”).

Then Toto is with Ted. He says they had a problem with the maths. They thought they could afford a stop to protect against Seb. But Ted cuts him off out of sheer disbelief. "But Ferrari weren't out in the pitlane!" he exclaims in a hushed voice. "You weren't protecting from anything! They weren't out, they weren't gonna make a stop!" Toto says they were 10 seconds behind them so they could have made a pit stop when Lewis was in. There was plenty of time to do a stop. But he says at the end of the day there's no excuse, because they got the maths wrong. He seems furious. The calculations for the gap were giving them a bigger gap than what they had. "Full stop". He says the margin mistake was 3.5 seconds. Now the question is whether they should have made the call with a 3.5 seconds gap or not. 

Ted is back with the others and he's not convinced by his talk with Toto. He says first of all even if Ferrari had pitted someone, the Merc (aka Nico) would still have had track position. "What circuit did they think they were at?!" he bursts out. "Track position is key!" Then he adds even if Seb had been on the quicker tyre at the end, he wouldn't have been able to get past just like Lewis wasn't able to. He's very right. The issue here isn't the gap miscalculation. 

Ted, although he says himself he might be a bit dramatic, wonders how Lewis can ever again trust a call from his pit wall after that. Simon says twitter is weaving conspiracy theories. Brundle says what they've got to remember is the million calls they've made that were spot-on. But Ted maintains it will stay in Lewis’ head though. 

Nico says yes it's a weird one to celebrate because not all of the team is excited. Indeed on the team photo I felt like there weren't as many people as usual. Of course Lewis himself wasn't there. Johnny asks if it matters, with a mischievous smile. Nico says he's learnt to take it. Sometimes the sport isn't nice to you and sometimes it is, he knows he's been incredibly lucky today, and he'll take it. Hill says Lewis will get over it, right? They're all racing drivers, they know how it is. Nico says it's not the first time and won't be the last, but he's sure today ranks as one of the worst moments for him. Losing in such a way really isn't good, especially since he's done such a good job this weekend. (He's actually being remarkably gracious about this I have to say. Very fair.) He says he has a lot of empathy for him but also a lot of space to just be happy. 

[aberooski]

Taylor Swift lyrics I associate with GX characters that send me into a deep spiraling depression for one reason or another.

And a small few that make me smile or laugh because we can't be sad all the time.

Feat. Occasional color commentary because I'm a silly silly lady 🤭

- Midnights sent me down a spiraling path there's A LOT of new lines across her whole discography and I'll probably add more later anyway 😭

____

Jaden

"I've been having a hard time adjusting. I had the shiniest wheels, now they're rusting. I didn't know if you'd care if I came back, I have a lot of regrets about that."

"They told me all of my cages were mental, so I got wasted like all my potential."

"I was so ahead of the curve, the curve became a sphere, fell behind all my classmates and I ended up here."

this is me trying is Jaden's and Jaden's alone

"I'd like to be my old self again, but I'm still trying to find it."

"I was dancing when the music stopped."

"I haven't met the new me yet."

"And you're tied together with a smile, but you're coming undone." 🥲

"How did I go from growing up to breaking down?" 🥲🥲

"When you are young they assume you know nothing."

"And they tell you that you're lucky, but you're so confused."

"I'm the one who burned us down, but it's not what I meant."

"All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn’t put me together again."

"And you might think I'm bulletproof, but I'm not."

"I'm harder to forget than I was to leave."

"I just think that... you are what you love."

"I tried to pick my battles till the battle picked me."

"There were pages turned with the bridges burned, everything you lose is a step you take. So make the friendship bracelets, take the moment and taste it. You've got no reason to be afraid."

"Never take advice from someone who's falling apart."

"You should find another guiding light, but I shine so bright."

"Every single thing I touch becomes sick with sadness."

"I have this thing where I get older, but just never wiser."

"God rest my soul, I miss who I used to be."

"All of me changed like midnight."

"You know how much I hate the everybody just expects me to bounce back? Just like that?"

"No one wanted to play with me as a little kid."

"My hand was the one you reached for, all throughout The Great War." 🤝

"I really thought I lost you."

____

Chazz

"And when I break it's in a million pieces."

"I've never been a natural, all I do is try, try, try." 🥲

"I'm still on that trapeze, I'm still trying everything to keep you looking at me."

It's Chazz. Chazz is the mirrorball

"The idea you had of me, who was she? A never needy, ever lovely jewel, who's shine reflects on you." Allow me to murder his brothers please thank you 😌🔪

"And no one knows that you cry but you don't tell anyone, that you might not be the golden one."

"And you've got a smile that could light up this whole town."

"My smile is like I won a contest, and to hide that would be so dishonest."

"I'm just too soft for all of it."

"You're on your own, kid. You always have been."

"Too young to know it gets better."

"He spends most of his flights getting pulled down by gravity."

"You drew stars around my scars, but now I'm bleeding."

"Marked me like a bloodstain."

"Life is emotionally abusive." Shitty brothers are too

"'Cause I knew everything when I was young."

"I'm not your problem anymore, so who am I offending now?"

"Don't treat me like some situation that needs to be handled"

"My castle crumbled overnight, I brought I knife to a gunfight. They took the crown, but it's alright."

"Family that I chose now that I see your brother as my brother."

"You gotta step into the daylight and let it go."

"That old familiar body ache, the snaps from the same little breaks in your soul. You know when it's time to go."

"Sometimes walking out is the one thing that will find you the right thing."

"And it's fine to fake it till you make it till you do."

"When my depression works the graveyard shift all of the people I've ghosted stand there in the room."

"I should not be left to my own devices, they come with prices and vices, I end up in crisis."

"I'll stare directly at the sun, but never in the mirror. It must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero." 💔

"Pierced through the heart but never killed."

"Break up, break free, break through, break down."

"You said I had to trust more freely."

"It's nice to have a friend." *cough* Atty *cough*

____

Syrus

"You have knocked me off my feet again, got me feeling like a nothing."

"You are pointing out my flaws again, as if I don't already see them. I walk with my head down trying to block you out 'cause I'll never impress you, I just wanna feel okay again." Fuck you, Zane 🥲

"Never be so kind you forget to be clever."

"Never be so polite you forget your power."

"All your closets of backlogged dreams, and how you left them all to me."

"If I can't relate to you anymore then who am I related to?"

"I know people change and these things happen, but I remember how it was back then."

"I can't make it go away by making you a villain."

"I wish you knew that I miss you too much to be mad anymore."

"Why'd you have to go and lock me out when I let you in?"

"Lived in the shade you were throwing till all of my sunshine was gone."

"Salt in the wound, like you're laughing right at me."

"Still got scars on my back from your knife."

"Sometimes to run is the brave thing."

"It's okay, we're the best of friends anyway."

"Breathe in, breathe through, breathe deep, breathe out." Syrus 🤝 cripping anxiety

"I really thought I lost you."

____

Zane

"Never be so clever you forget to be kind."

"Never wield such power you forget to be polite."

"I guess your really did it this time. Left yourself in your warpath." Don't make me feel bad for you you bitch

"God smiles on my little brother, inside and out, he's better than I am." Sure is 😌

"Soon you'll get better."

"You'll get better soon, 'cause you have to."

"And I fell from the pedestal right down the rabbit hole, long story short, it was a bad time."

"I just wish you were a better man."

"It's me. Hi. I'm the problem, it's me." Sure are 🙄

"Took the battle underground."

"'Cause baby, now we've got bad blood." Always did. But now episode 95 is calling 😤

"They say I did something bad. Then why's it feel so good?"

"This is why we can't have nice things darling. Because you break them." 🙄

____

Bastion

"I forgot that you existed." Leave him alone 😭

"But God, I love the English." 🤭

"Luck of the draw only draws the unlucky, and so I became the butt of the joke."

"Did all the extra credit then got graded on a curve."

"Lost in the labyrinth of my mind."

"You were more than just a short time." I miss him 😭

"But if -god forbid- fate should step in and force us into a goodbye, if you have children someday, when they point to the pictures, please tell 'em my name."

"Long live the walls we crashed through, I had the time of my life, with you."

"All that I know is I don't know how to be something you miss."

"Hope it's nice where you are. And I hope the sun shines, and it's a beautiful day. And something reminds you you wish you had stayed."

Literally so upset there was no reason for him to stay behind and not come home after Dark World 😭 like bring Tania with u goddamn 😭😭 but I wish them all the best 🥲

____

Aster

"I didn't have it in myself to go with grace, 'cause when I fight, you used to tell me I was brave."

"You had to kill me, but it killed you just the same."

"And I can go anywhere I want. Anywhere I want, just not home." Fuck you, Mr. The D 😤

"Those eyes add insult to injury."

"I'm taking my time, cause you took everything from me."

____

Atticus

"Everybody wants you. Everybody wonders what it would be like to love you."

"What must it be like to grow up that beautiful? With your hair falling into place like dominoes?"

"I'll be summer sun for you forever."

"He seems fine most of the time, forcing smiles and neverminds. His laugh is a symphony, when the lights go out it'shard to breathe."

"And my cheeks are growing tired from turning red and faking smiles."

"Hold on to this lullaby, even when the music's gone."

"Long story short, I survived."

"Been sleeping so long in a 20 year dark night. And now I see daylight."

"Midnights become my afternoons."

"I wake up screaming from dreaming."

"But at night you live it all again."

"It's nice to have a friend." *cough* Chazzy *cough*

Listen Atty is STRUGGLING 😭

____

Alexis

"Everybody wants you. Everybody wonders what it would be like to love you."

"I picked the petals, he loves me not."

"I'm so sick of running as fast as I can, wondering if I'd get there quicker if I was a man."

"What's a girl gonna do? A diamond's gotta shine." Queen on her queen shit 😌

"Won't lose you again."

"I know, I know, I just know. You're not gone, you can't be gone, no!"

"I really thought I lost you."

- the entirety of Bigger Than The Whole Sky. Just the whole song, but she's mourning Atticus after he disappeared on a night when she had reached the point of thinking she would never see him again. 😭😭😭😭

____

Hassleberry

"With your hands in your pockets, and your 'don't you wish you had me?' grin." Adorable ass 😭

"I know looks can be deceiving, but I know I saw a light in you."

"I've never seen nobody shine the way you do."

Cue all of my pure of heart/princess of heart jokes

"Soldier down on that icy ground, looked up at me with honor and truth."

"I miss your tan skin, your sweet smile."

I literally miss him so much when he isn't present you don't understand that's my SON 😭

____

Axel

"Somewhere in the haze, got a sense I'd been betrayed."

"Soldier down on that icy ground, looked up at me with honor and truth."

"Just one single glimpse of relief to make some sense of what you've seen."

"With you I serve, with you I fall down."

"You held your head like a hero on a history book page."

____

Jim

"You held your head like a hero on a history book page."

"You were more than just a short time."

DAMMIT ONLY SEASON 3 WASN'T ENOUGH 😭😭

[clara-licht]

you are enough: first impression

Summary: She was just another face in the crowd, someone you wouldn’t look at twice. He never really noticed her. That is, until the fifth day.

Pairing: Peter Parker x Reader

Word Count: 1.7k+

Warning: burst of anger? should that be a warning?

Timeline: Peter's first school year, pre-spider bite

Note: yay for first story! I wrote this under 3 hours from sudden burst of energy, so if you spot any mistake please let me know! This story is taken directly from my real experience on my fifth day of university. What happened then followed me even until now, but now my friends and I can look back on that day and laugh. Please tell me what you think about this 💜

Series Masterlist | Marvel Masterlist | Main Masterlist

——————————

Peter first noticed her on the fifth day of his first school year. Well, actually everyone in his class noticed her on that fifth day.

He had seen her a few times in some of his classes that week, but he didn’t really pay attention to her. After all, she was just another classmate. She was also pretty quiet and kept to herself most of the time. He didn’t think he had even heard her speak before.

Always wearing an unzipped jacket over a shirt, pants, a pair of Converse, and with her red Kipling backpack. Sitting on the second row. Earphones are usually on in between classes. As far as Peter was concerned, she was just another face to forget.

Until that fifth day.

He had come into class almost late that morning. It was Friday and Fridays always felt so slow since it’s so close to the weekend. Peter admitted his almost tardiness was the result of being too lazy to wake up on time when all he could think of was having the weekend off after a week of school.

The only seat left was the one behind her, so he just took it. His best friend since childhood, Ned, wasn’t in that class, and he didn’t really know anyone else yet, so no one saved him a “usual spot”.

When the teacher came in, Peter was already prepared to pay attention, hoping that the day would go faster if he was busy.

“We’re going to do a group project starting next week. Each group will take turns presenting their assignment every week, so that’s one group per week.” The teacher, Mrs. Warren, said. “Let’s see… We have 24 people here, so split into 6 groups of 4. I’ll give you 10 minutes to assign your own groups now.”

The classroom immediately erupted into chatter while Mrs. Warren turned her attention to the computer screen on her desk.

Peter felt some kind of dread as his classmates started talking among each other on how to split the class. He had nothing against group projects, but he knew virtually no one in this class and would most probably be left out and joined the “leftovers”. He could only hope that whoever winded up in his group could pull their own weight instead of just dumping their work on others.

Therefore he was pleasantly surprised when the girl at the front seat (“I think her name is Sally?”) turned around and said, “Should we just use our current seating to split the group? That way it’s random and fair.”

There were a few hums of agreement.

The classroom they were in had 8 long desks, 4 on each side of the room, with 3 seats per desk. So taking that into account, the group should consist of one student per desk. Seeing as Peter was sitting right behind her, that meant they would be in the same group.

Peter looked at who would be in his group. Aside from her, there were Sally (“It is Sally, right? Right…?”) and behind him was a guy whose name he couldn’t really recall. (“It’s either Tyler or Abe, I think…?”) Peter could kind of remember them being active in other classes, so that was a sigh of relief for him.

Until another student piped up.

“I don’t want to be in this group!”

Peter glanced at that student. ‘Ah, this one I know,’ he thought with a slight eye roll.

Eugene Thompson, though he insisted to be called Flash. He’d been loud in every class they shared and bragged a lot. One of those rich kids, Peter assumed. Growing up in a modest household, bragging about money was never something he could understand. If you had enough money to brag about, then maybe use them for charities and stuff instead? At least that was Peter’s opinion.

“Then which group do you want to be, uhh, Thompson, was it?” Sally asked.

“Call me Flash,” he answered. “And I don’t know, I just don’t want to be in this group!”

“Why?”

“I just don’t like it.” Flash shrugged nonchalantly.

Peter could see Sally’s eye twitch in annoyance. “It’s just one assignment and you don’t really have a reason.” She tried to say.

“Why would I need a reason? Mrs. Warren said we can choose our own groups, and I don’t want to be in this one. I don’t vibe with it.”

Despite being annoyed himself, Peter decided to just sit back and watch everything unfold. He didn’t need to attract attention to himself. With his big glasses and frail figure, he looked very nerdy and jocks like Flash liked to pick on nerds. He didn’t need that.

The banter between Sally and Flash went on for a while. Peter was sure everyone in the class was pissed but no one said anything, probably because they didn’t know each other and didn’t want to say something wrong accidentally. It was getting very annoying, though. And to make it worse, Mrs. Warren didn’t seem to care.

While listening to Flash, he didn’t notice the girl sitting in front of him glaring heatedly at Flash with clenched fists and gritted teeth.

“I’m just saying, why can’t I-”

SMACK!

Flash’s words were interrupted by a sudden loud smacking noise, causing nearly everyone to flinch.

The girl in front of Peter had smacked her palm on her desk and stood up, pointedly glaring at Flash with a glare so intense it could probably burn him, clearly seething with anger.

“STOP MAKING EVERYTHING DIFFICULT, FOR GOD’S SAKE!” She yelled.

Peter blinked.

Did the quiet reserved girl just… yell?

“What do you think you’re doing, huh?!” She yelled again, this time coming closer to Flash. Flash gulped and took a step back. “You don’t even know anyone in this class! It’s only our FIRST WEEK!”

“But I-”

“ZIP IT!”

Flash shut his mouth so fast Peter could hear his teeth clacking.

“Our teacher is waiting for us right now! If you have any complaints about your group then speak up properly once you KNOW them! SO JUST GO WITH IT FOR NOW AND GET THIS DONE AND OVER WITH!”

The class was silent. She was still glaring at Flash and Flash was cowering in fear.

To be honest, Peter was afraid of her too, but deep inside he was impressed. When no one else spoke up, she did. Maybe with a bit of an overkill, but she still spoke for the rest of them. He’d take that.

“Any more complaints?” She asked through gritted teeth.

Flash quickly shook his head.

“Good.”

She sat back down and looked away as if nothing happened.

No one said anything for a while, still in a bit of a shock.

“Um, well…” Sally cleared her throat, “So are we decided then? With this arrangement?”

A chorus of yes later and Mrs. Warren finally spoke, “Give me your group lists later after class. I trust you can arrange it, Ms. Avril?”

Sally nodded, “Yes, ma’am.”

“Okay, let’s start our lesson for today.”

As Mrs. Warren started teaching, Peter couldn’t help but stare at the girl in front of him. This was the first time he actually looked at her.

The first thing he noticed, although it may sounded rude, was her… size, so to speak. She was considerably bigger than the rest of the girls in his class. She was clad in plain unisex clothes. From what he had seen earlier, he could find no trace of makeup on her either. She actually looked a little messy, not fitting into that traditional feminine look.

Not that Peter had anything against femininity or even not conforming to said femininity. He was raised by a respectful pair of husband and wife who drilled respect for diversity and people’s choices into him. Aunt May would also have his head if he had even the slightest misogynistic thought. No, he knew better than that.

Around ¾ into the lesson, Mrs. Warren told them to go into their groups and start discussing their projects.

“Let’s start with introduction, I guess?” Sally said once all four of them were together. “I’m Sally Avril, but just call me Sally.”

“I know, I was in your History class.” The girl from before said. Her voice was actually quite soft when she wasn’t yelling. Peter was once again surprised by her.

Sally giggled at her, prompting her to let out a small smile. “I’m (y/n) (l/n). Feel free to call me (y/n).” She said quietly.

“I also know that already. You sat two desks from me, didn’t you?” Sally asked with a smile.

(Y/n) nodded. “Also I apologize for earlier… I just couldn’t stand him.” (Y/n) muttered with narrowed eyes.

“We don’t blame you, honestly,” the other guy in the group said. “Flash was being a dick. I’m actually glad you spoke up against him,” he snickered. “I’m Tyler Corbyn, by the way. People usually just call me Ty.”

“It’s just that no one said anything, so I thought I had to put a stop on it. He was disrespecting our teacher by misusing the time she gave us like that.” (Y/n) scoffed.

“And you?” Sally turned to Peter.

“Oh, um… Peter. Peter Parker.” He mumbled.

“Okay, now that we’re introduced, let’s talk about the assignment, shall we?”

After the discussion, the group agreed to meet up after school on Monday to start their project.

Sometimes Peter would let himself glanced at (y/n). He had to admit, even if he was still a bit scared of her, she didn’t seem that bad. He just needed to not press her buttons or risk her blowing up. She still had a short temper, after all.

He was certain that the rest of his classmates realized this too. They were all afraid of her, for sure.

It was kind of a bummer, but her display of anger that day would follow her for nearly her entire high school days. All the boys in their class feared her, especially Flash, and tried to avoid her. The girls would eventually befriend her once they know more about her.

And Peter? Well… He may thought she was scary for now, but there was respect within him. His Physics class seemed quite interesting now.

——————————

Notes: yes, I did yell in class when the professor was present and yes, she didn’t give a shit about it.

Taglist + Mutuals (let me know if you want me to untag you!)

@marvelexi @lou-la-lou @spiderbibby @hello–zuko-here @everydaymj @galaxystern08​ @allegra-soleil​ @fancyxparker​ @delicatepeterparker @parkerpeter24​ @terrifictomholland​ @quackeroos​ @angel-spidey​ @greenorangevioletgrass​  @awkward-darkness​ @chloecreatesfictions-archive​ @tonguetiedholland​ @peterspideysstuff​ @and-it-burns-like-a-fire​ @geminiparkers @weirdowithnobeardo @perspectiveparker

[moostaronce]

Let’s Get It

Request: an arcade date with Gahyeon 

A/N Okay so in reality I know she’s a grown ass woman now and we are literally the same age but every time I see her all I think about is how much of a baby she is. A savage baby but a baby nonetheless.

Today is Sunday. The sun is high and the weather is perfect. These are all things that help you indicate that today is date day with your girlfriend Gahyeon. The two of you haven’t been together long but there is just no denying your chemistry. A subtle smile plays on your lips as you grab your keys and put your shoes on before heading out. 

You are both celebrities but were best friends long before things evolved into a different type of relationship. You having a career in acting made it easier for you to go out as a couple as long as you keep your hands to yourself. Even the media always just report you as close friends. However, your fan base and Insomnias are on you like Minji on macarons. 

Deukae’s dorm is fifteen minutes away so it doesn’t take long for an excited Gahyeon to call and check up on your location. You hit the accept call button on your steering wheel and her voice blissfully fills your car and ears.

“Y/N! Are you here yet? Can I come outside?“  Just hearing her excited voice brought you energy. 

“Not yet, come down in 8 minutes and I’ll be there in 10.“ 

When you finally pull up to the dorm she doesn’t even give you the chance to let her know before she’s in your car embracing me.

“I’m so happy to see you! Where to today?“ Her facial features are so full of anticipation that it makes you excited too. Well there is a new arcade that just opened that we haven’t tried yet, if you want to play some games.

As it came out of your mouth you thought it sounded a little lame, but just when you thought it wasn’t possible for her smile to get any brighter she proved you wrong. 

“Let’s go! I wanna whoop you in a whole new location.“ She smirks at you as she buckles up and subtly slides your free hand in her own. 

The whole way there she tells you about how her week and schedules went and you just listen with a small smile. The feeling of both of her hands holding your free hand in her lap like she can’t let it go makes you giddy. It takes all of your power not to just lean over and kiss her because you never know if Dispatch is watching from the bushes.

So instead you just listen to your girlfriend tell you everything she couldn’t while you were apart. 

Soon you pull up to the parking lot and Gahyeon squeals in excitement and squeezes your hand. As your taking your seat belt off you have to convince her to let you go so you can open her door for her. When you come around and open the door she kisses you on the cheek so quick you almost question if it really happened.

Gahyeon smiles up at you and links your arms as you head into the arcade. Surprisingly there aren’t a lot people there yet so you go check out the prizes and ticket amounts while before you go to play. You’re perusing the shelves when Gahyeon squeaks and points at a giant Rilakkuma on the top shelf for an absurd amount of tickets.

You take a moment before you just guide her to play skeeball. Somehow she rolled the ball so aggressively it ended up in your lane and you both died laughing as it actually raised your score tremendously. Gahyeon falls to her knees, maybe laughing the hardest ever in her life. After you help her back up still laughing yourself you pinch her on the nose affectionately as you proceed through the arcade.

You both play your way through nearly every game in the arcade before you take a breather to count your tickets. You’re actually pretty close to being able to afford the grand prize! Gahyeon has to run off to the bathroom, so you play an arm wrestling game in the meantime and you get super invested that you don’t notice a young man around your and Gahyeon’s age watching you. So when he approaches you, you startle a bit.

“Hey, you!“ The boy was directly behind you as you won your 5th game in a row with the body-less arm. 

“Huh, hello?” He could sense the uncertainty in your voice so he took a step back with a warm smile.

“Sorry, I just couldn’t help but notice you and your friend had a lot of tickets. Would you be up for a wager?“

“What kind of wager are we talking?“ You squinted your eyes at the boy with skepticism. All you heard in most of that sentence was that he had been watching you and Gahyeon.

“ I have a lot of tickets too and I’m shooting for that Rilakkuma over there. How about we arm wrestle and winner takes all the tickets. With both of our amounts combined it will be more than enough.“ The boy’s warm smile became a smug, arrogant smirk that you raise your eyebrows at.

“So what your really saying is that you think you can beat me easily and take my tickets.“ You stand up to find that you are actually a bit taller than him with your arms crossed. He visibly gulps a little but refuses to back down.

So the two of you sit at a table and ready yourselves out the corner of your eye you see Gahyeon looking around for you until she spots you. She just looks on confused until a girl runs up to her and starts talking and waving her arms all animated.

With her distracted you fully focus on the young man in front of you. He has this aura of pure arrogance that is slowly but surely working your nerves. So it begins you decide to do best two of three. Within a five minute time frame you beat him twice thus earning all of his tickets and keeping your own.

He hands them all over with his head hanging low and a small apology escaping under his breath.

“What was your deal any way? Are you a collector or something?“

“No, I wanted to get it for my girlfriend since she’s mad at me. We had a fight a few minutes ago and she won’t even look at me now.“ 

You can’t help but feel bad for the guy but you also have a girlfriend to make happy, so you pat him on the back and head towards the award counter. But as you turn around to find Gahyeon you see the guy you just arm wrestled staring longingly at the girl that she is talking to. Must be his girlfriend, he looks so sad.

At that moment you just roll your eyes at yourself because your conscience is screaming at you to help that poor guy. Then you think about Gahyeon and how disappointed she’d be if she knew you chose not to help someone.

With an annoyed sigh at yourself and heavy steps you walk over and hand the poor guy the Rilakkuma.

“Here, you need it more than I do.” The guy’s head springs up and he looks at you in disbelief. 

“Are you for real? You’re just going to give it to me?” 

“Yeah, I have enough tickets left over for something else and honestly, you look pitiful dude.”

 “Thank you! My name is Jaebum by the way, Park Jaebum. Honey is gonna love this, thank you.”

“Y/N. Go get her, man.”

That’s all he needs to hear before he takes off like a rocket towards your girlfriends. So you wander back to the prize counter to find something for Gahyeon. That’s when you see a really big Gudetama plushie that you have the exact amount of tickets for. You have never grabbed something that quickly in your life. 

When you turn to find Gahyeon she’s directly behind you with that cute eye smile you love. She looks so cute that you have to pinch her on her cheek.

“Here Gah, I got you a plushie.” Her eyes shine as you hand it over.”

“I saw what you did and I’m proud of you. That girl said she was a fan so we were talking and then she told me about her fight with her boyfriend. Then I see you handing over the bear to him and now they are all made up.” 

“Well, you know I just wanted to help him out.” You duck your head a little to hide your blush from her while she gushes over you. 

“You’re so cute! I could kiss you right now.” She says the last part in a whisper and it makes you blush even more.

“Um, I better get you home before Bora personally pulls up to drag you back.”

The two of you link arms together as you leave the arcade and get into your car.

“So, did you have fun? We played games for 2 hours straight.” You glance at her as you ask the question.

“So much! We should go again sometime, their games are so much more fun than the old place.”

“Whatever you want, babe”

Silence filled the car so you look over at Gahyeon briefly to see her staring at you with a red face and the surprised Pikachu face. Your eyebrows scrunch up a bit confused and it brings her back to reality.

“Sorry, I’m just not used to hearing you call me babe yet.“ Even without seeing her face, you know she’s embarrassed.

“Should I not?“

“No! No, you can say it as much as you want, whenever you want! I like it a lot.” She squeezes your hand fondly and settle in her seat smiling to herself.

In  a short time the car ride is over and you are in front of Dreamcatcher’s dorm. You put your hazard lights on and walk her up to the door like you usually do, just to make sure she gets in safely. Gahyeon leans her back against the door clutching her plushie tightly to her chest with her signature sweet smile on her face.

The two of you just smile and stare at each other for what feels like hours but is actually only about 2 minutes. When you come back to your senses you kiss her on the cheek and say goodnight.

Before you can even fully turn away to leave, Gahyeon tugs on your hand to get your attention and pouts when you look at her. Then you watch in amusement as her lips transition from a pout to a pucker, indicating that a cheek kiss isn’t going to be enough today. 

You look up and down the hall to make sure nobody sees and give her a quick peck, but before you get too far away she moves a hand to the collar of your shirt to pull you back in for a real kiss. And you stay like that until the door opening behind her startles you back, while Gahyeon pouts again, as she had no intention of breaking that kiss anytime soon.

Who else would open the door with her arms crossed and a “Kiss the Chef” apron on but Kim Bora. Her face is painted with a playful annoyed expression that has you putting your hands up. You’re not really able to back up too much more because Gahyeon still had your collar in her fist, eyes glazed over only looking at you.

Meanwhile the rest of unnie line approach the door to see what’s going on and giggle at the scene before them.

“Y/N, why don’t you stay for dinner? It seems like Gahyeon doesn’t want you to go yet.” Minji smiles at you sweetly like she always does.

“Well I have to go properly park first, if it’s alright with EVERYONE that I stay.“ Gahyeon snaps to attention at this and spins to face her members with a huge puppy dog face.

Yoobin and Yoohyeon shout whatever from deeper in the dorm. Minji, Siyeon, and Han Dong smile and nod, while Bora does her best to avoid the maknae’s gaze. She holds strong until Gahyeon resorts to whining and she can’t resist anymore.

“Fine! But no funny business.” Even while she’s pretending to be annoyed, Bora can’t help but crack a smile before she abruptly turns around “complaining” loudly about how clingy Gahyeon is.

“Well looks like I’ll be back.” Gahyeon grabs you for one more peck before you go to park the car.

“Hurry back!” 

With that you make your way to the car smiling like an idiot knowing you get to spend more time with Gahyeon tonight. Best date day ever!

[fisherfurbearer]

fuck sam walmarts

and fuck management

I’ve had it. Left the store in tears tonight.

as some peoople probably/hopefully know. walmart closes at 6 pm on christmas eve. no one actually gets to leave at 6 becuase of shitty last minute customers. but it is what it is.

this. is really personal but im honestly SO close to just. killing myself? so who cares

basically. had a really really bad last few days. spent a lovely time with family (jessies family, his oma and opa and sister and parents and it was just a great time. theyre more family to me than most of my blood family) but it did make me Sad in Deep ways as we dont know if this is going to be our last christmas with his oma who isnt doing so good. and it just twisted me up a little but was othewrsiwse a great day. but then sunday i just...had a huge breakdown in the morning and decided to use my accomodation (i get 2 excused absenses a month) to cool down and gte myself together. slept a lot. woke up adn got a lot done, felt great, then i CRASHED really really bad, got really angry, lashed otu, took like...8-10 sleeping pills...theyre horrific things and im never doing that again...had to sleep for two days after that...felt horrifically sick, in pain, just awful. had repeating nightmares over and over. which has also been wearing me down recently. wasnt able to work monday either because i still couldnt stand and between the pills and the depression/anxiety and really just. felt like the world was ending.

decided sometime last night id just...try my best to make it in today, work my shift (really long 9-6, knowing i wouldnt leave on time nad htisis my first time working in 5 days now...which is rough...) and if i can get through this, i have another couple days off in a row after that (schedules fault, not mine...do feel awful i missed 3 days before that though...) and we can just. get back on track

today i DID go to work, jessie drove me in

i worked. a long time. im supposed to get a break every 2 hours and a 1 hour lunch

i gott my first break on timeish.

then i got my lunch 6 hours after i got in. at which time i got “locked out” for not taking my lunch and coudlnt do anything on the registers. i was supposed to get it 4 hours in. its christmas eve and excruciating and im still in pain and tired from my previous days breakdowns, but otherwise?? i did really good. i didnt mind at all that my lunch was so late. i was a little miffed, but its ok. i dont care, so long as i get it eventually. anyway they FINALLY noticed i was locked out and got me coverage and i ended my lunch at 4. things continued ok. worked on self checkout, met a lot of regulars i really like, prevented $200 of theft (HAHA WOW that was really really funny i love preventing petty theft. i prevent so much theft every week its my pride and joy) just did okay. then they had us close self checkout that took a little while. then at 5:00-5:10 or so i went to my Manager/Supervisor/”““People LEad” as walmart is now trying to call them, lets call her manager Y, and i told her i still need my break and will i get it before i leave. she said go to register 4. i asked again hey will i get my break though and she said yeah and i thought to mysel HAHA thats not going to happen but ok

really stupid that after bieng locked out the first time she couldnt give me my break before i openned a register with a line i cant get rid of

anywayy i did ok otherwise for a while

but at 5:25 or so i reminded a CSM “hey i need my break still can i get that?” and she just ssaid yeah well try to get someone and then more time passed so much time. i put through an ask on the register “assistance needed”. waited another 10 minutes. “assistance needed” again. starting to get anxious. its past 5:40. the line is so long. theres so MUCH NOISE. Its SO LOUD. the intercom keeps going off, no one is responding to me, i dont have a mat to stand on so my knees HURT,, im not doing okk

i switch my light to flashing/need assistance and start looking for someone to ask for help. its 5:45, i need my break NOW, i DESERVE IT for workng this long ass shift and they already missed several of my last breaks a week ago AND got me locked out today and im STARTING TO GET ANXIOUS PELASE I JUST WANT MY BREAK SO BAD

nnthgen a csm is passing by im about to lose it, so i tell her CSM J, please i really need my break now PLEASE and im starting to ccry and i try to tell her whats going on but she shushes me and goes and gets sometone

im full on tears at this point, im so strreesed out,,

manager Y and some other snooty manager come over andd. ffkcing. ask me whats wrong. im crying and i try to explain im really really stressed out, i havent had my last break, ive been trying to get someone for so long now, i just really need to leave im so sorry

and theyy just. fckkng

ffcking manager Y jjst ssays ok “ill give you your break” and “this is your last break” and i ssaid?? yeah i knoww?? andd she saidd “next time youre like this, just dont come in”

i quote that completeltyyy....i really lost it then...i cried som muchh

this isnt the first itme she said something like this to meee...

she asked me “why are you CRYING” When i had an anxiety attacki n the store once, when ic cloked in and couldnt get myself together,, she didnt give me time to calm down, she didnt listen as to why, she just said “why are you crying. this is a BUSINESS. you cant be CRYING Here.” and i just said ok ill go home bye and leftt

andd when i tried to get my availability changed from 7-9 to 7-6/7-7 because the random late shifts with 7 am shifts was messing me up really really bad and my doctor thinks i need to hcange it too, she just said “i cant do that. thisi sa BUSINESS.” and she wouldnt listen when i said i might have to quit because of this, this is for my health, im literally scheduled 7-2 every sunday in december, busiest day of the busiest month and you cant even chop TWO HOURS off my weekend availability????

andd i jjst

ive HAD IT with her

ive had ittt

im so ashamed and angry and anxious and i still havent stopped cryingg. she called me over to her again as i was leaving and she blamed me for it. she ssaid a customer was upset that i “Screamed” (ues i raised my voice a little but i wasnt screaming??? also the two customers i was attending to when this was going on and i cried were VERY KIND nad jjst said i was doing a good job and thanked me for being there) and called a manager over (but...csm J got them?? not a customer...??) and i cant be acitng like this, i cant do customer service when im stressed,, and d i should just STAY HOME If im going to be like that

then shee fufkcing toold me i DID IT WRONG, that i “shouldve called someone over” I TOLD HER I DID!!!!! I DID!!!!!!!!!! YOU NAIL INTO MY HEAD IM NOT ALLOWED TO LEAVE THE REGISTER SO I DIDNT, I DID EVERYTHING ELSE I COULD THOUGH!!! I REQUESTED HELP TWICE!! I TURNED MY LIGHT TO FLASHING!!! I TRIED TO CATCH A MANAGER WALKING BY TO HELP ME!!! N OONE LISTENED UNTIL IT WAS TOO LATE, I DID EVERYHTING I COULD!! yet she seriously told me to my face that “you didnt call anyone”, “you couldve turned your light to flashing” WHICH I DID and sshee jjst said that i made customers uncomfortable and i cant work like thatt and just stay hhome

ii stayed home sunday because i was having a mjor mental emergencyy.

i came in today because i was feeling better and i took it eaasy and ended up doing a wonderful job and mad eso many people smilea nd fixed so many problems that wouldve otherwise upset a lot of folks and i met my regulars and made old folks smile andd i prevented a lot of theft that no one else wouldve caughtt and i jjstt broke down after 9 hours and not getting a last break and all the chaos of register (WHICH BY THE WAY THEY KNOW I DONT LIKE REGISTER!!! I THRIVE ON SLE FCHECOUT!!! THATS MY JOB TITLE!! THATS WHAT I DO!!!! THEY KNOW THISS!!!!) and HER AVOIDING GIVING ME MY FUCKING BREAK and NOT RESPECTING MY FFUCKING METNAL DISABILITIES LJNASDKAJHDBASJSDNAJSNDKANSD

I JJST DONT KNOW WHAT TO DOO

i really want to die and i really want to never go back but i really loved my job i loved helpting people ii jjst hate her so muchhh and i feel GENUINE DREAD/SEVERE ANXIETY jjst SEEING her nnow

she doesnt CARE about anyone but herself shes a horrible peson i cant tell the store manager though cause she wont care either and manager Y has more clout than me so shell just twist my words and make me out as the bad guy as hte “CRAZY ONE” who cries and gets stressed (FOR COMPLETELY VALID REASONS AFTER BEING PUSHED OVER THE EDGE) even tthough i work SO FFRIKCING HARD and do SUCH A GOOD JOB and asdjanjsdhajshdas

i d ont know what to doo

i cant work another job because no where else pays as much or will let me do self checkout only, because being a cashier stresses me so muchh

ii...really wanntted to grow stuff and make preserves and sell bee products and work with folks raising heritage sheep and make more fiber art andd open a little stall at a local market and sell all that,, and offer more online and do customs andd stuff

i know i could mkae money that wa ybut i ccantt start it so sudenly and im too Broken to do it seriouslyy and i dont even want to HAVE to quit because of ONE PERSON But shes done this so many times now and this is the nfinfal streaww

i jjst dont know what to doo...

i cantt stop cryingg

i cant even enjoy christmas nnow. wanted to see my stepdad and give him his presernt and maybe be ok.

last christmas we had to move because our house was condemned after a fire. now im going to have to lose my job because of a horrible manager who doenst respect my metnal health or anything about me reallyy. and unfortunately im such a failure that i cant. do anything else and if i lose this job ill lse my animla sand i wotnt be able to do anyhtingg andd im jjust fucking trash

goddammit i dont know what to do. i really dont. hhahaaa. i just really want to end it. ive come so far and none of it fucking matters because of thiss fucking horrible manager.

[checkbio-i-moved-accounts]

Louder Than Words

Pairing: Jimin x Reader

Words: 1.9k+

Summary: Jimin is having a hard time voicing his feelings for you, but he realizes maybe words aren’t so important.

Warnings: None. This is just straight fluff yall.

A/N: This fic has been sitting in my head for a long time and @btssavedmylifeblr said if a fic won't leave you alone, then write it. So I did! My first BTS fic. I hope you enjoy! Thank you to @themusiclife132-writing for being my beta reader for this! I love you so much.

Jimin considered himself a level-headed guy. He was never too brash or cocky, he respected others, and he tried to keep the mood light and joking. Recently, he’s been feeling a little...different. All signs point to you being the cause of it. As a friend of the band, your presence was one he was very familiar with. However, he had developed more than friendly feelings for you. He can’t pinpoint exactly when this shift happened but as he sat on a couch watching you check your texts, he could feel this emotion welling up inside of him. It was almost overwhelming but he had grown used to it. He had been debating getting up and heading over to you for the last minute or so. His mind raced with topics he could bring up but none of them seemed casual enough. His brainstorming was interrupted as Namjoon sat next to you on the couch, asking about the souvenirs you had bought today. As your face lit up and you ran off to grab one of your shopping bags to show him, that warm feeling drained from Jimin quickly and it was replaced with another emotion. One that he was entirely in denial about.

Jealousy.

Jimin was jealous. He envied how Namjoon could quickly come up with a joke about something happening in real time and make you laugh. He envied how Namjoon could flip your compliments back on you and make you blush. He envied that Namjoon made talking with you seem so easy but Jimin always hesitated. He hated that he would need a few seconds to gather his thoughts before talking to you to make sure he didn't flub any words. He hated that he started second-guessing what he already knew because he was so worried about looking dumb in front of you. He hated that he felt he didn’t have a chance because Namjoon seemed to be perfect for you, and he wasn’t. At least in his mind. He started studying harder, making sure he did some sort of English practice at least twice a day on off days and once on days they had a busy schedule. He had improved quite a bit but not as much as he wanted. He just wanted to be able to talk to you. Was that so much to ask? Did the universe have it out for him?

Jimin comes back to reality and blinks a few times to get himself out of his head. Now you were showing Namjoon a necklace you knew your friend would love. Jimin smiles to himself at the fact that you’re bouncing lightly in your seat as you talk. It was little things like that that he loved about you.

Love. A strong word and emotion. One that he hadn’t paired with you until about a month ago. You sat in on a dance practice, watching them rehearse for hours and hours on end. They had just finished the ‘IDOL’ choreography for the 3rd time in a row and tired was an understatement of how Jimin felt right now. Without much thought, he went over and plopped his head in your lap like he’s done many times before.

“Jimin! You’re staining my jeans with your sweat, that’s gross!” You whine as you pushed at his shoulder but he didn’t budge. He pouted as he looked up at you, hoping it would be enough to win you over and let him stay in your lap. When you rolled your eyes playfully, he knew he had won and a smile spread on his face.

“Lucky I love you.” You murmured under your breath as you started to play in his hair.

Jimin paused as his heart kicked into high gear. He must’ve misheard you. You definitely didn’t just drop the L word on him. Right?

“Love?” He repeats as he tries his best to ignore the loud thumping in his chest.

“Mhm.” You nod before you attention was pulled to Jungkook who was asking you a question. Whatever the question was got lost behind the elation and blood rushing through Jimin’s ears. You loved him. After a few days of thinking, he knew he loved you too. For a while he didn’t feel so hopeless. He allowed himself to love and found so many things he loved about you.

Such as your random affectionate touches. When you lean on him as you play a game on your phone or fall asleep with your head on his shoulder during long rides. Other times you wrap your arms around him and demand his attention in a playful manner. He especially loved that.

He loved the look of awe on your face when they took you somewhere new. Whether it be a place the band frequented or an entirely new country he loved seeing your eyes light up as you try to commit every little detail to memory. If he could he would take you all over the world just to see that look every time.

He loved how observant you were. You could always tell when something was wrong with someone. One day in particular Jimin was feeling really low, so much so that he kept messing up choreography. He’d go over it once, twice, three times but still he’d miss a count or forget a step. He knew this dance. He knows he does, why couldn’t he get it right? Hot, angry tears pooled in his eyes as he let out a frustrated groan. He dropped down into a crouch, gripping his hair and pulling at it in annoyance. The whole day had been a rough one and he hoped dancing would help, but it seemed even one of his biggest passions wouldn’t help him wind down. His body was trembling as he tried to stop himself from crying. He hated that he was an angry crier. Then he froze as arms wrapped around him. He could tell right away it wasn’t one of his bandmates.

“It’s going to be okay.” You reassure him in a soft tone. Unbeknownst to him, you had been watching him from the doorway for a while.

It took a few moments but slowly he relaxed into your arms and sat down on the floor. Before he could think about it, he was telling you about the shit day he had. You didn’t get mad when he stammered or stuttered. You didn’t get mad when he couldn’t find an English equivalent to a Korean word and had to rework his statement. You didn’t get mad when he would randomly break his sentences to cry a little. You just sat there with those warm eyes that make his heart soar and listened to him, only interjecting to help him find a word he was looking for. It was only about 10 minutes but he feels as if he rambled for hours.

“Better?” You ask as you give him a small smile.

Jimin nods, his eyes now dry and his mind finally clear.

“Good. Come on, I bought some food and when I left Jin and Jungkook were inhaling it all. I wanna get some kimchi before he finishes it.” You say as you stood up.

Jimin stood as well, a light blush on his cheeks as you take his hand and exit the studio. Thankfully, you didn’t see it.

What he loved most were intimate moments he shared with you. Times when everyone else faded into the background and it was just you and him. On long bus rides, you’d find Jimin sitting with his headphones in his ears watching the world go by. You’d sit next to him and he’d instinctively hand you a headphone and his phone. You two would go back and forth adding music to a queue, showing each other the new discoveries you made and new artists you liked. This could go on for hours and Jimin didn’t mind that. You didn’t seem to either. More than once you’d fallen asleep on him before the queue could finish; he would pause the music and let you rest. You could pick up where you left off later, you always did. No matter how often you told him he didn’t have to wait for you.

Jimin once again was taken out of his thoughts but this time it was by a piece of pepper flying past his face. He furrowed his brows before looking in the direction where it came from. He locks eyes with Jungkook who has a smug look on his face.

“Come eat.” He says as he nods toward the food spread out on the table near him.

Jimin stood up and walked over, nudging Jungkook a little on his way to get a plate. After a quick scan around the room, he noted that you weren’t in the room anymore. He took the empty spot you left next to Namjoon once he filled his plate.

“Namjoon?” Jimin says after a moment of thinking.

“Hm?” Namjoon hums as he chews.

“Could you...teach me some flirty things to say?” Jimin asks as he messes with his food to keep himself occupied. He didn’t have to look over to know that Joon probably had an amused smirk on his face.

“Flirty things? Why would you need me for that?” Namjoon replies after he swallows his food, “If there’s anyone here who can flirt, it’s you.”

“Namjoon.” Jimin whines. He didn’t want to say it was for you. It took a lot of courage for him to even ask Namjoon this in the first place. Namjoon takes a long look at Jimin before he relents. Jimin probably was tortured enough by his crush on you and he didn’t want to add on to it.

“Of course, but not now. Your girl will be back in a few minutes.”

“My girl?” Jimin repeats as he spares a glance at Namjoon.

“You think your crush is subtle? I don’t know how she hasn’t figured it out yet. You’re like a lovesick puppy.” Joon teases with a laugh. “Plus you get fussy whenever she gives me any sort of attention.”

Jimin looks away at that. Was he really that obvious? He didn’t think he was.

“No harm, no foul. It’s alright Jimin. But in all honesty, I don’t think you need me to teach you anything to impress her. She likes you regardless.” Namjoon continues as he opens a bottle of water.

Jimin wants Joon to explain what he meant by that but then you enter the room again and he goes silent.

“Finally done daydreaming?” You ask as you sit down on the other side of Jimin and put your legs across his lap.

He nods before picking up another mouthful of food. A thought comes to mind that makes him pause his movements. Namjoon’s words go through his head again and before he can convince himself to not go through with it, he offers you the food he just gathered on his fork. You look at the food then back to him before you let him feed you.

“Thank you.” You say before you kiss his cheek and rest your head on his shoulder.

Jimin smiles and looks over at Namjoon who gives him a look that is the epitome of ‘I told you so’. Maybe Namjoon was right. Maybe Jimin didn’t need to learn anything. Maybe he did have a chance and there was hope for him. Only time would tell.

[tiberiusjeffersonkippen]

Dancing for You

Here’s chapter two! Thanks to everyone who liked the beginning! Here’s the AO3 link.

Summary: As Cyrus prepares a dance for his high school’s talent show, he finds himself entangled in a new friendship with none other than TJ Kippen, Grant High School’s resident jock. Only good things can come from new friends…right?

Words: 2087

Chapter 2

“Good morning Grant High!” The voice of Grant’s principal, Mr. Hayes, rang out from the loudspeaker. Although he usually paid attention to the announcements (unlike most of his peers), Cyrus could barely even keep his eyes open. He was really tired out from the talent show, and he almost overslept. He listened to the announcements as best he could, but his “best” ended up being falling half-asleep for everything but the very first and very last announcements. He zoned back in just as Mr. Hayes finished with “And please go vote for all of our very talented students who performed last night! Videos and the ballot can be found on the school’s website!”

“Does he not understand that you literally can not vote for ‘all’ of the performers?” sniggered Buffy, who sat next to Cyrus in first period Spanish.

“Oh, you know Mr. Hayes,” said Cyrus as he yawned. He really needed to get more sleep. “Besides, it’s a nice gesture, right?”

“You’re too nice, Cyrus.”

“Well someone has to stick up for the guy. All everyone ever does it makes fun of him.”

“Principal’s pet,” teased Buffy.

“Whatever. Let’s get down to business before Senora Gonzalez yells at us.”

Cyrus drifted through school as a zombie. He was probably going to have to relearn everything he was taught that day, but he was too exhausted to care. His math teacher even noticed that he was more tired than she’d ever seen him! After almost running into several people in the hallway (including one who Cyrus swore didn’t even go to Grant), Cyrus somehow got himself to history on time. Granted, he was literally the last person to arrive when he was usually one of the first, but Cyrus was willing to count it as a win. Unfortunately for him, someone had decided to appropriate his typical seat (which was the best one in the entire room, if you asked Cyrus), leaving the only open seat at the end of the last row, next to TJ Kippen. Cyrus groaned, but he couldn’t help but be somewhat satisfied with the temporary change. As much as he hated the back row, Cyrus was dying to have another conversation with TJ, and, more importantly, find out what the heck ‘Underdog’ meant.

However, before Cyrus could even open his mouth to ask TJ, Mr. Forbes started class. ‘That’s right,’ thought Cyrus. ‘I’m not as early as I usually am, so I don’t have time to chit-chat like I usually do.’

“Good morning class! I hope you all got the chance to go see the talent show last night! Let me tell you, Grant has some very talented students! In fact, we even have a very skilled dancer in this class! Our own Cyrus Goodman killed it last night!”

“Thanks,” Cyrus mumbled while the entire class turned to look at him. He really did not need the entire class to be very aware of his dancing abilities. Sure, he did decide to go and dance in front of hundreds of his peers, but he didn’t expect any of them to talk to him about it. Now, Mr. Forbes was practically inviting them to! Although, Cyrus supposed, he already had someone talk to him about it. TJ. In the bathroom of the Spoon.

Speaking of TJ, when Cyrus glanced over at him, he found a very soft and a very not-intimidating TJ staring back, before he shuddered and looked away. Cyrus was really going to have to interrogate him later.

“Anyway, we are going to begin our decades projects today! Now, they won’t be due until about a month after the AP test (which let me remind you is in three weeks!), but I wanted to give you guys ample time to come up with great ideas! This will be a partner project, so I’ll give you guys some time to pick partners after I’ve explained the entire project.”

Anxiety spiked through Cyrus. None of his friends were in this class! He looked over each of his classmates. Steph would pair up with Katie, Andrew would go with Victoria, Alex and Oscar would probably work together, Kira was too bossy and too much of a perfectionist, and Reed was too much of a dumbass (Cyrus wasn’t even sure how he got into AP US). Maybe he could work with Leo? His locker was right next to Cyrus’s, and he always seemed nice.

“So, without any further ado, I release you to the Battle Royale that is the picking of project partners!” announced Mr. Forbes (ever the dramatist), and the chaos began.

Cyrus stood up and started to make a beeline for Leo, but then TJ knocked over the tall pile of papers and folders that was sitting on Cyrus’s desk. By the time he finished cleaning everything up, Lester had already claimed Leo, and everyone one else had partnered up. Except for TJ.

“Guess we’re stuck together, huh?” said TJ, although he didn’t seem to be too disappointed about it.

“I guess so,” said Cyrus as he sat back down. Since he was already sitting next to TJ, there was no need to move to another spot.

“Kippen and Goodman? There’s a pair I never thought I’d see,” said Mr. Forbes while he wrote their names down next to a decade. “You two will have the 80s. Don’t mess it up! I am entrusting you with the decade of my youth!”

“Forbes is such a dork,” TJ said after their teacher walked away to assign decades to the other groups.

“I know, but it’s sweet. What other teacher is willing to be that goofy with their students?”

“Yeah, you’re right.” TJ paused a moment before a grin broke out on his face. “Did you watch those videos of him that Reed found?”

“What are you talking about?”

“Are you in the groupchat?” After Cyrus shook his head no, TJ continued “Oh, give me your number and I’ll add you. Anyway, there are these videos of him on YouTube where he’s telling stories. One of them is about him selling all of his belongings and going backpacking across Europe.”

“There is no way he actually did that.”

“I dunno, he does have that glimmer in his eyes…” TJ’s sentence drifted off and they both started at their teacher for a moment before Cyrus brought them back to the task at hand.

“Well, I guess we should get started.”

“Yeah, I guess.” A beat passed. “So,” TJ continued, “Do you have any idea what we should get started on?”

“Not really? Brainstorming is probably the place to start, and I don’t know about you, but personally, I think my brain is feeling pretty calm right now.” Cyrus was expecting a response, and he got one, but not in the form he thought he would get. Instead of using his words, like, y’know, any decent person, TJ started laughing.

‘Great,’ though Cyrus. ‘He’s finally come to his senses and realized what a joke this is and now he’ll try to weasel out of being my partner, which is perfectly fine by me because I probably would’ve ended doing it all anyw-’

“That’s a good one, Underdog,” TJ said, (quite rudely) interrupting Cyrus’s inner monologue. “Mind if I use it?”

“Wait, you mean you weren’t just laughing at me?”

“What? I was laughing at what you said, not at you.”

“Oh,” Cyrus swallowed. “Well, how stormy is your brain feeling right now?”

“I’d said pretty stormy.” TJ grinned, but Cyrus could just barely hear TJ add an “as always” onto the end of his statement. As much as Cyrus would have loved to dive into what TJ meant, he decided against it. If TJ did in fact not hate him (which seemed to be the case), Cyrus was not about to go and ruin it.

“I guess we can get started with that then?” he said instead.

“Sound like a plan.”

Twenty minutes and more than a couple of pieces of paper later, TJ and Cyrus had come up with approximately one hundred million ideas, none of them very good.

“What even happened in the 80s?” groaned TJ as he crumpled up another piece of paper and expertly shot it into the trash can.

“Three minutes twenty-three seconds to three minutes thirty-four seconds,” said Cyrus.

“Huh?”

“‘We Didn’t Start the Fire.’ You know, where it goes ‘Wheel of fortune, Sally Ride, heavy metal suicide/foreign debts, homeless vets, AIDS, crack, Bernie Goetz/hypodermics on the shore, China’s under martial law/Rock and Roller coaster wars’? It happens between three minutes and twenty-three seconds and three minutes and thirty seconds.”

“One, how the fuck do you know that? Two, HOW THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW THAT?!”

“I thought it would be valuable information when I was like 12.”

“Seriously? You have got to be the most interesting person I know, Underdog.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t say I’m that interesting. And what’s with that nickname? That’s like the third time you’ve called me ‘Underdog.’”

Before TJ could answer, the bell rung. “I’ll keep trying to come up with ideas!” he called as he went out the door. “I’ll let you know if I think of any good ones!”

“You guys are NOT going to believe this!” Cyrus said, sitting down with at his lunch table.

“What is it, Cy? Did they overstock chocolate chocolate muffins and are giving the extras away for free?” responded Buffy.

“Haha, very funny.”

“What? 9 times out of 10, when you are yelling in the cafeteria, it’s about those damn muffins!”

“Is not!”

“Is too!”

“While I am sure that that would be a very entertaining argument to listen to for twenty minutes, I want to know what Cyrus was going to tell us,” interrupted Andi.

“Oh! So you know how I had that conversation with TJ Kippen yesterday?” said Cyrus.

“Yeah, did you ever figure out what that was all about? And the whole ‘Underdog’ thing?” said Jonah.

“I’ll get to that. So today Mr. Forbes has us pick partners for the decades project. And somehow I ended up being partners with TJ! And for some reason he seems happy about this! And then he called me Underdog again, like twice!”

“I’m starting to wonder what exactly his motives are,” said Buffy.

“Me too! But don’t you think he would’ve just shoved me or something if he wanted to mess with me? It’s so much easier than being forced to spend time with me.”

“Maybe he just wants to get a good grade on the assignment?” suggested Andi.

“Maybe,” said Cyrus.

“Speak of the devil,” muttered Buffy, and, before he could ask what she meant, Cyrus felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to face a grinning Kippen.

“Hey! I just has an absolutely amazing idea for our project!” TJ said excitedly.

“Well? What is it!” responded Cyrus.

“So you know how you were talking about that one section of ‘We Didn’t Start the Fire’ that’s about the 80s? What if we rewrote it be entirely about that decade!”

“Hmm, an iconic song filled with events of an iconic decade? I think that’s a great idea! We’d probably have to write a more detailed explanation and analysis about the events, but it would definitely work!”

“Awesome! I guess we can figure out when to get together and work on it tomorrow?”

“Sounds like a plan! See you in history!”

“See ya in history!”

When Cyrus turned back around to continue his lunch and conversation with his friends, he was met with a couple of shit-eating grins.

“What?” he asked.

“You seemed a little enthusiastic about that exchange,” teased Andi.

“Yeah, I could literally hear the exclamation points at the ends of your sentences,” added Buffy.

“What are you guys talking about?” asked Cyrus.

“They’re talking about how you obviously like TJ,” said Jonah without looking up from his phone.

After a beat of shocked silence from the others at the table, Jonah looked up. “What? I’m not as oblivious as you all think I am,” he said, and laughter erupted from the table.

“But seriously,” said Buffy as she tried to suppress giggles, “you so totally like him!”

“I so totally do not!”

“Okay…” said Buffy, and they all went back to eating their lunches.

“Oh, hi TJ!” said Andi.

“TJ?” Cyrus whipped around, but TJ was nowhere to be seen. Andi and Buffy, however, were giggling uncontrollably behind him.

“Yep, you don’t like him at all,” said Andi.

“Oh, shut up.”

[buttjaehyun]

me vs. my best friend (kpop edition)

welcome to whatever this is i guess, well my nickname is nana so nice to meet y’all and since this is a post about me AND my best friend her nickname is kun so i’m just gonna refer to her as kun so just saying that now do y’all don’t get confused later

WARNING: this is an extremely long post so if you don’t want to read all of it i can’t blame you but it did take me roughly 8 hours to write this so i’d appreciate it if you read it but it’s okay if you don’t^^ also please respect our opinions and if any of you want to answer these questions in the comments or reblogs then please feel free to do so!!

so this was originally gonna be a youtube video but honestly i’m way too lazy to edit roughly 82 different music videos into 15 minutes. so i’m just gonna do it here until i get motavated enough to actually download 82 music videos and edit them down into clips. at the bottom of this is a spotify playlist of the songs i was gonna download audio/music videos for if you want to take a listen, there is one for me and one for kun ^^

so i guess i’ll start btw kun’s list took me SO LONG cause she’s also indecisive so we sat on the phone for 2 hours while she was answering these questions i swear

me (nana)

kun

both of us

1. Favorite Male Group:

- got7; im not even gonna lie those seven goof balls mean the world to both of us, like we’re seeing them on july 6th for the second year in a row, how can they top the greatest day of our lives?

- i adore all of them so much and they’ve made me the happiest i’ve ever been and i can’t believe i actually fell in love with one of them??? like it sound STUPID AF but like i deadass fell in love with mark tuan and i don’t regret it at all

- MY BOYS! honestly because of them i laugh constantly and can’t help but love them! especially yugyeom! he’s so cute i can’t! his eyes, his voice, his everything i adore him and he owns my heart from now until forever

2. Favorite Female Group:

- aoa; aoa was my first girl group besides f(x) and they have a special place in my heart but other then them i also adore twice

- red velvet; im not too into girl groups but i’m trying but so far i really enjoy red velvet and their personalities and they’re few of the girl groups i actually know the names of lol

3. Favorite Band:

- day6; we’re jyp stan’s at heart (and sm stan’s im not gonna lie) we’ve loved all of jyp’s groups and soloists thus far, honestly day6 doesn’t have a single bad song if you ask us

(dowoon owns my heart just thought you would like to know that)

(and brian owns mine whoops)

4. Favorite Underrated Boy Group:

- the boyz; they’re so cute and talented so stan them asap plz (also stan astro my bubs) okay so this one was hard for me ngl, i adore the group kun chose from the bottom of my heart but a lot of our answers are similar so i wanted to change it up

- astro; thanks to nana she dragged me into loving these goof balls and i’m so glad she did, they’re all so adorable and they have great music so stan my babies :(( sanha is the cutest babie and i love him please love my beagle boy

5. Favorite Underrated Girl Group:

- dreamcatcher; hands down one of the easiest questions for me? like idk i adore these girls and they’re great so please stan :D

- clc; MY GIRLS MY QUEENS okay so other than red velvet they’re my favorite girl group and i’m absolutely not gonna deny that

6. Favorite Rookie Boy Group:

- stray kids

so i’ve stanned stray kids since predebut, specifically when hellevator was released, YALL HAVE NO CLUE HOW HYPED I WAS im serious i didn’t shut up about these boys and i’m so glad they’re so beyond successful and i adore each and every one of them p.s stream side effects

i’ve liked stray kids since predebut but after nana’s persistence i ended up adoring the members more than anything (except yugyeom) i major stanned since january of 2018 and i’m so proud of my boys :((

7. Favorite Rookie Girl Group:

- itzy; so other than everglow it was hard for us to make a decision on this, neither of us STAN STAN many girl groups so most girl group debuts slip our minds after watching them but dalla dalla had been stuck in both of our heads for months now so that’s why we ended up choose itzy (also jyp girl group duh)

8. Favorite Disbanded Group:

- speed; okay so most people don’t know them and i am: depressed about it but it’s okay, they’re my boys and i love them, one of the members is actually zico’s older brother so oof yes talented family, they’re great and i miss them so much :(((

- history; so roughly towards the end of 2016 i saw their video just might die and queen, nana had already played me queen before and i really enjoyed the song (bop listen to it plz) and i just loved them from then on, after they announced their disbandment last year ngl it hurt cause i love them

(i could only find the audio of just might die without having to download the video so the link to the video is attached to just might die)

9. Favorite Sub Unit:

- NCT Dream; okay i’m not that person to be like Oh I oNlY stAn ThIs UnIt OF nCt no i stan all 21 members and whoever else joins from that HOWEVER all of the dreamies are really really high on my bias list so that’s why i chose them for my favorite unit (stream dnyl thanks :D) im actually listening to dnyl while writing this so love that

so i couldn’t find any gifs of nct dream ot7 so i settled for this cute gif of jisung

- WayV; i love all of nct but kun (+johnny and mark) are at the top of my nct bias list. i love take off and i love every song they’ve released so far, my boys ARE APART OF NCT (for y’all dululu fans) also stream dnyl for nana so she’ll shut up about how much she adores dream not that she’ll ever shut up about how much she loves them tbh

10. Favorite Duo:

- Jus2 + JJ Project

- again here comes the utter LOVE for jyp groups along with got7 i adore both of these duos beyond belief and i need mark to have a duo or a unit or SOMETHING cause i love him with every ounce of my being

- yugyeom. that’s it. yugyeom is the loml and there’s nothing he does where i won’t love him, focus on me hit somewhere different and i LOVE IT and HIM and of course jaebum cause he’s great too uwu i also love both of jjp and i was so exited for tomorrow, today so that helped too^^

11. Favorite Senior Group:

- infinite; so infinite. yeah i’m a HUGE inspirit and i miss hoya, sunggyu, and sungyeol like hell but it’s okay, i adore infinite im not gonna lie (to be fair i adore a lot of groups) and they mean a lot to me, out of my ults i think myungsoo has consistently stayed at the same place since 2016 as my second ultimate bias oof wow, it was also hard to choose between infinite, suju, and shinee like damn

- super junior; so i love suju? i love them more after once again thanks to nana’s persistence after black suit came out even though i was gonna listen to it away, i already loved heechul and leeteuk but dang i really love them and so does nana. but she likes too many groups to just choose one without overthinking it ALOT

12. Favorite Debut Song:

- come back again by infinite; okay so this was also a really hard one cause i love nct’s debut as well as ateez and astro but i ended up choosing come back again cause i find my self searching far and wide just to listen to this song (cause it’s not on apple music or spotify)

- pirate king by ateez; so yes i know that their debut was TECHNICALLY treasure but i love pirate king too much to not say it was my favorite debut, this song is still on constant repeat and always will be like uGH

13. Favorite Male Soloist:

- jeong sewoon; so im a big ol mush pile for all of the produce 101 s2 boys so of course sewoon would be up there with jinyoung, donghan, and SO MANY OTHER GREAT MEN, i adore his voice and the way he sings, he’s just so? great??

- dean; dean was the first kpop artist i ever listened to even without knowing he was a k-r&b artist, i love his voice, it’s so soothing and i can never stop listening to it

14. Favorite Female Soloist:

- chungha; coincidently snapping came out the day before i started writing this so yes?? queen?? but seriously i love her so much and i can’t ever contain my love for her music

- IU; she so ADORABLE? i love all of her music and i can’t believe she’s an actual human being, i seriously love her so much that it’s just uncontainable, she has one of the best voices in the kpop industry

15. Favorite Male Vocalist:

- baekhyun of exo; exo was my first group i ever got into, and they never cease to amaze me when it comes to their music. they never and i mean NEVER disappoint with their albums and bsides, as to why i chose baekhyun is simple, HIS VOICE SENDS CHILLS DOWN MY SPINE i mean so does jongdae but still

- kyungsoo of exo; i love kyungsoo and his voice and i’m going to miss him beyond belief after he leaves on july 1st :(( but seriously his voice knows no bounds and i can’t help but melt when i hear it

16. Favorite Female Vocalist:

- seola of wjsn; so i’m just saying now i don’t know much about wjsn but this girl. her vocals. yes? after her song with kihyun came out i fell in love with her vocals from then

- sunmi; i love my supportive queen, she’s great and beautiful and i love all of her music, i will never fail to bop to heroine at any time of day just because i love her that much like yes queen

17. Favorite Male Dancer:

- ten of nct; i don’t think much needs to be said as to why ten is my favorite male dancer. he is beyond anything i’ve ever seen before and has my complete respect for his passion for dancing and it makes me want to be a better dancer just so i can be proud of myself

- yugyeom of got7; oH i WonDer WhY yUgyEoM iS heRE, seriously i love his dancing more than anything and all of his freestyle clips on instragram make me have the utmost love for him beyond what i already have for him

18. Favorite Female Dancer:

- seulgi of red velvet; i’ve watched her dancing over the years and i’m never not mesmerized by her stage presence and the way she is so detailed with how she moves

- lisa of blackpink; she’s a great dancer and i will never deny that, she’s also a great rapper and her stage presence is great especially when she’s dancing (specifically taki taki)

19. Favorite Male Rapper:

- changbin of stray kids; okay so i knew from the moment i heard hellevator that this group would be big and man did they not disappoint, changbin has one of the best rapping styles and voices i’ve ever heard in my life, his speed and his lyrics are so amazing and 3racha songs are AMAZING too like wow this man and his power over me

- jooheon of monsta x; not only has joohoney wreaked my bias list but he has absolutely one of the most unique voices i’ve ever heard, his raps are so hard hitting and i can’t ever get over them, his solo work has potential to be soty because of how talented he is

20. Favorite Female Rapper:

- jessi; okay so i actually had a few female rappers in mind by it kept going back to jessi each time, i genuinely love her voice and i LIVE for her roasts like yes, also i love all of her music? like she has great music i 10/10 recommend

- yeeun of clc; i don’t know many female rappers but yeeun has been one of my favorites for awhile now and i love her voice, it’s just so great to see how much she’s improved and i’m so proud

21. Favorite Male Choreography:

- superhuman by nct 127; so honestly this was absolutely the hardest question for me, i love dancing and i love most male choreographies so idk why i came to this decision, actually i do, superhuman is honestly a wonderful dance and i love watching it each and every single time i seen it on my recommended on youtube

- highlight by seventeen; the performance unit has so much power and stage presence that it was so hard no to choose this song, they all have such great and precise movements when they dance and it’s beautiful

22. Favorite Female Choreography:

- chase me by dreamcatcher; i love this choreography so much? seriously these girls always kill it and i really want them to grow because they really deserve it

- hobgoblin by clc; this was the first female choreography i really really wanted to learn based on the dance other than russian roulette and dumb dumb by red velvet!!

23. Favorite Male Solo Song:

- fire by sik-k; i absolutely LOVE sik-k so naturally i wanted to choose one of his songs so i went though a bunch if my favorite songs of his and settled on fire, it was a very hard choice though cause addict exists and so does iffy but still

- crooked by g-dragon; crooked has always been one of my favorites by GD it just sounds so different and his voice just makes it one of my favorites, middle fingers-up is a close second for GD

24. Favorite Female Solo Song:

- why by taeyeon; idk why i love this song so much but i just do, i also love taeyeon so much like uwu yes, but seriously i really love all of taeyeons solo music as well as snsd

- honey tea by oohyo; honey tea is one of those songs you could listen to in a cafe or on a relaxing walk with your earbuds in just taking in the crisp air. it makes me feel super calm and just in a space where i feel like everything is chill and cool

25. Favorite Non-Kpop Artist:

- luhan; by baby lulu uwu, i’m absolutely a mushy gushy soft mess for that baby, he’s so cute and kinda and his music is just?? great????? what??? i seriously did not even have a second thought about this but some honorable mentions are definitely big time rush, 5sos, kris wu, joji, etc.

- conan gray; where do i bEGin?! his songs are by far some of my favorites. not only is he a great artist, he has this way with his music that is almost melancholic in sound. it sounds so entrancing and crush culture, generation why, and lookalike are some of my favorites^^

26. Favorite Non-Kpop Song:

- imitation by luhan; remember when i said i was gush for this man? i wasn’t joking. at all. i seriously love his voice and i just UGH love him, and this song?? bop.

- honey by lay; this song has taken over my life. i have it on repeat almost every night because lay did so well. it has such a good beat and so easy to just listen to over and over (but not out loud lolol)

Top 10 Groups:

nana:

1. GOT7

2. NCT

3. Stray Kids

4. Ateez

5. Monsta X

6. Day6

7. EXO + Astro

8. Infinite

9. SF9

10. The Boyz

kun:

1. GOT7

2. NCT

3. Day6

4. Stray Kids

5. EXO

6. Astro

7. Monsta X

8. SF9

9. Ateez

10. Seventeen

Top 10 Biases:

nana:

1. Mark Tuan (GOT7)

2. Myungsoo/L (Infinite)

3. Doyoung, Donghyuck/Haechan, Jaemin, Jaehyun, Jeno, Mark, Yuta, and Taeil (NCT)

4. San (Ateez)

5. Hyunjin, Jisung, Changbin, Felix, and Chan (Stray Kids)

6. Brian/Young K (Day6) + Youngmin (ab6ix)

7. Minhyuk (Monsta X), and Hwiyoung (SF9)

8. Chanyeol, Sehun, and Baekhyun (EXO)

9. Minhyuk/Rocky (Astro)

10. Kevin, Changmin/Q, Eric, Jacob, Sunwoo and Hwall (The Boyz)

kun:

1. Yugyeom (GOT7)

2. Dowoon (Day6)

3. Seungmin & Felix (Stray Kids)

4. Jooheon (Monsta X)

5. Rowoon (SF9)

6. Kun + Mark + Johnny (NCT)

7. Yunho + Mingi (Ateez)

8. Sanha + MJ + JinJin (Astro)

9. S.Coups (Seventeen)

10. Kyungsoo/D.O + Chanyeol (EXO)

[ nana; tumblr playlist ]

[ kun; tumblr playlist ]

btw for kun i added my favorite songs by some of the artists she had listed cause i didn’t ask her and i was too lazy so i hope y’all enjoy both playlists if you want to listen to them ^^

[noonewouldlisten25]

I Promise

First of all.

*CLANGS POTS AND PANS TOGETHER BECAUSE THIS IS NOT MY STORY*

Anywho, with that out of the way, no. This is not mine. This fic was written by my sister @seroia45, who, as she is never logged on, gave me express permission to post this to my blog to share it. This is the first completed fic she has wrote in a long time and would appreciate any kind feedback/criticism. 

Now then, let’s begin!

Summary: Hank would never intentionally lie to Cole. And never, in any possible universe, would he intentionally break a promise he made to his little boy.

SPOILERS AHOY 

It was Cole’s first day of Kindergarten. Hank’s hair was thrown up into a messy bun, and he was hurriedly trying to wrangle his five-year-old into something more presentable than his pajama’s. Cole, in his excitement and paranoia, had already spilled his orange juice twice, gotten frustrated with his clumsiness, and loudly declared that he was NOT going to school today. 

“Cole, you’re going to school today. It’s your first day! There’s no way you can miss your first day of school, buddy!” Hank was exasperated, but he understood that his little boy was not exactly the most social of butterflies. Cole looked up at him, his big brown eyes full of nervousness. 

“But Daddy, what if the other kids don’t like me? What if I do something silly and everyone makes fun of me?” The gap in his teeth made his speech slightly lisped, but Hank understood him just fine. He crouched down to eye level with Cole, smiled gently, and ruffled up his hair. 

“There’s no way that the other kids wont like you, Bud. You’re the sweetest, funniest, most handsomest boy your age! There’ll be boys and girls begging to be your friend!”

Cole looked up at his dad in exaggerated exasperation. “Daaaad, you’re just saying that cause you have to..”

Hank grinned widely. “Would I ever lie to you?” 

The young boy paused a moment and considered the question. “No, I guess not.”

Hank beamed and scooped his son into a hug. “See? You’ve got nothin’ to worry about!”

Cole looked up at him with a timid little smile. “Promise?”

Hank kissed his nose. “I promise.” --- At the sound of crying, Hank rushed into Cole’s room. His hair was disheveled from where he had fallen asleep on the couch after tucking his boy into bed, and his shirt was covered in dog fur from cuddling a Saint Bernard puppy they had picked up that evening. Cole, the silly boy, had decided to name him Sumo.

Cole was sitting awake in his bed when Hank came in, tears streaming down his face and trembling with the force of his soft sobs. The poor boy was prone to nightmares, and this was no new scenario for Hank to walk in on. He walked over to his son’s bed and sat down, pulling the boy into a comforting hug. 

“Nightmares again?” he asked, gently rocking the distraught child. Cole looked up at him, the tears in his eyes making his eyes shinier than they normally were. He nodded softly and buried his face in his father’s chest. Hank gently stroked his hair. “Do you want to talk about it? It might make you feel better.”

Cole sniffled quietly and looked up at him, his bottom lip quivering softly as he tried to speak. “It w-was cold, and I c-c-couldn’t find you anywhere… I was lost, and I was scared..” 

Hank held his son closer and pressed a gentle kiss to his forehead. “It was just a scary dream, buddy. I’m right here, and I won’t let anything happen to you.”

The boy in his arms hiccupped softly, “P-Promise?”

“I promise.” --- The smell of antiseptic and the bright white walls were making Hank nauseous. He couldn’t get the noise of the truck slamming into his car out of his head. Couldn’t get the sound of his baby boy crying out of his head. The snow had been stained crimson, and that was all he could see projected on the hospital walls. The android in charge of overseeing his son’s operation walked out, looking grim. 

“Mr. Anderson?”

Hank’s stomach dropped into the soles of his shoes. He knew that voice. He’s a cop. He’s had to use that voice on several occasions. That’s the voice of someone tasked with delivering bad news. The kind of news no one wants to give, and the kind of news that no one wanted to hear. “Cole’s not going to make it. Is he.”

The android gave him a sympathetic look and set a gentle hand on his arm. “He’s lost too much blood, and the nearest donor is two cities away. He wouldn’t survive the trip over. All we can do now is make him comfortable. He’s awake and asking for you. I’m sorry.”

Hank had tunnel vision as he walked into his little boy’s hospital room. Cole looked so frail and small against the sheets. He barely looked up as his father entered his room. Hank felt hot tears sting his eyes and forced a smile onto his face. “Hey there, bud.”

“I’m cold, Daddy. I’m cold and tired.” His voice was weaker than he looked, and Hank could feel his heart breaking into smaller and smaller pieces. He laid down and cuddled his baby as close to him as he could without jostling any of the many things he was hooked up to.

“I’m here, Cole. I’m right here, and I’m not gonna let you go. Daddy’s gonna keep you safe, just like he promised.”

“I’m so tired, Daddy..” Cole was already fighting to keep his eyes open, and Hank didn’t want to let him see him break down. He pressed a soft kiss to his hair.

“It’s alright, buddy. I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere. I’ll.. I’ll be right here when you wake up.”

“Promise?”

“I promise…”

“Okay.. Night night, Daddy.. I’ll see you in the morning..”

“G’night baby… I love you, so much.”

It took three different androids to get Hank to let the coroner take Cole away. --- It was raining, but Hank didn’t care. He was sitting in the grass, a bottle of jack in his hand. One year. It had already been a whole year since he had to bury his baby boy. He felt the alcohol sting his throat, raw from screaming and cursing at any deity that would listen. Sumo, the poor thing, had tucked his tail between his legs and hid under the couch. His human hadn’t had an outburst like this since the day the little human didn’t come back. Once the screaming stopped, Sumo had hesitantly crept up and nuzzled up to his human. He didn’t understand why, but he knew his human was hurting, and he wanted to help as much as he could. Hank had buried his face in the dog’s fur and cried until he just felt numb. 

“I miss you, buddy. The house is too quiet without you. Haven’t had the heart to go into your room since that day.” He dragged his arm over his eyes, wiping away the moisture that was beginning to gather there. “Sumo misses you too. He sniffs at your door and stares at it, like he’s waiting for you to walk out and play with him again. Some days, he’ll sit there for hours. Then he’ll jump up and just stare at your door for a few minutes, and I catch myself thinking that you’re gonna come out. Sometimes.. Sometimes I forget that you’re gone. Went to pick you up from school the other day. Made it all the way there before I remembered.”

He took another long pull from the bottle in his hand and made to stand up. He rested his hand on the marble in front of him and let the tears fall down his face. “I’m going to become the best damn cop on the force, and I’m going to make Red Ice a thing of the past, buddy. I won’t let anyone else go through the same thing we had to.”

The silence stretched out into the night, and his tears tripped to the dirt below as a sad smile stretched across his face.

“I promise.” --- It had been a long time since Hank had come this way, and it had been even longer since he had come here with someone else. He cast a sideways glance at the android in the passenger seat as he pulled up. Connor’s LED was spiraling yellow in thought.

“Ya getting’ out or not, kid?”

“Yes, of course, I apologize, Lieutenant.”

He wasn’t entirely sure why he brought Connor here with him. Wasn’t entirely sure that Connor would even understand the significance of the action itself. But they were here, and there was no turning back from this now. The snow crunched under their feet as they walked through the rows of headstones. Connor’s LED swirled between yellow and red as they came up to a smaller, newer headstone. It read:

In Loving Memory Cole Anderson 9/23/2029- 10/11/2035

Connor looked at Hank in shock, surprised his partner was sharing such a private moment with him. A sad smile passed over the lieutenant’s features as he rested a hand on the cold marble slab.

“Hey there, buddy. I know, it’s been a while since I visited. I haven’t been doing so well, and I needed to get back on my feet. There’s someone I want you to meet. I think you two would’ve gotten along, if you’d ever met him. This is Connor. He’s my partner at work, and a really good friend of mine. He’s.. He’s helped me get better. It doesn’t hurt so much to think about you anymore. I was finally able to clean out your room. I still miss you. I always will. But thanks to this tin can.. I’m going to be okay. It’s gonna be a bit longer than I planned before I see you again, but.. That’s not such a bad thing.”

Connor gently squeezed his partners shoulder in reassurance and paused. He crouched, so he was eye-level with the engraving on the stone and rested his hand over the words.

“Hello, Cole. When I met your father, I was just.. Connor, the android sent by Cyberlife. I had one purpose. I was just a machine. But your dad made me see that I was so much more than that. Without him, I wouldn’t be here right now. I would’ve completed my mission, and then Cyberlife would’ve had me deactivated. I am alive because of your father. And I’m going to spend as long as I have repaying him for that. You don’t have to worry about him, Cole. I’m going to take good care of him."

"I promise.”

Hank would never intentionally lie to Cole. And never, in any universe, would he intentionally break a promise to his little boy.

And now, neither would Connor.

[coralsgrimes]

The Benny Boy Phenomenon

Okie dokie as promised! Welcome to Coral makes fun of Benny yet again! Today we coming back yet again to Spotify. Gonna start with the ridiculous numbers obviously xd It's been 85 days since 11:11 and 57 days since the whole EP. Here a screenshot I took just now! OH BOI! Can ye see how all other song are still below 300k? And Bulianne song is up there with well over 2 millions streams... I'm still baffled as to how the fuck this happened? Rise Up got a music video too and even the stupid FEMALE Pirate Song is above it? Seriously WTF? Cuz bestie it ain't adding up when ye think of it?

Welp... That much we don't know x.x but I looked over twitter when the Spotify Wrapped was a thing couple of days back... What did I find? First of all I'm not trying to make fun of anyone or any of that shite, I saw lotsa numbers and that gets me moist alrite? I’m just trying to understand the disproportion in the numbers and further prove that his music career got him nowhere and the only people listening are his previously established fans. What I'm gonna do is describe ye something I called The Benny Boy Phenomenon!

So I found some muffins sharing their Spotify stats. So I put it into tables. Now, so we can make it clearer. The Spotify wrapped takes 10 months into account, from the 1st of January till October 31st. Benny's first song dropped on September 17th, quick math and we know that his songs were accounted for over 44 days period. Some muffins actually acknowledged the THING themselves!

Here I made the 11:11 streams table. Starts quite innocent. Maybe listened to it every day? Maybe once or twice it was couple of times... And then we have more... long distance listeners? Kinda seems like the 2 millions is a work of very persistent fans hmmm? Yesss ye see good. Some beautiful soul listened to 11:11 for over four days non-stop over 44 days period. Majority had 11:11 as their top song of the year after only 44 days x.x

Now we have the minutes of artist streamed, and some of the muffins from previous table are here as well! What do we have here tho. Welp we have 20 muffins who had Benny as the most streamed artist. Together they streamed Benny's whole music repertoire (mostly 11:11 tho) for many many minutes... The minutes turned into hours, the hours turned into days... And over 44 days, 20 lil butterflies all together streamed Benny's music so long that it turned into non-stop 45 days of streaming... I could absolutely not compare it to my stats cuz mines are not that wild and are full of different artists and songs and ma top song is, another year in a row, Ma Baker which I listened to 52 times OVER 10 MONTHS! I did found a good comparison tho! The K-pop fans! Their Spotify wrapped numbers were shockingly similar to the lower halves of ma tables x.x

Soooo I still think Benny's music is bad af but I understand that some muffins may like it. But this is just?? I don't understand? Do they feel they have to? Because this just looks like an overkill? 44 days? Literal hours of streaming per person? Benny please drop yer Spotify for artist stats, they show ye the most eager streamers right? I want to see the top 10 numbers... I fucking need it.

Confirmed info. Music dream is an absolute flop <333 only the fangirls are interested, not all of them tho! 

[rkxluda]

                                       MGA season 4, ep. 6 - Summer                                                  Team A - Universe       #4003 ( Kim Junmyeon ) #4010 ( Joo Haknyeon ) #4012 ( Kim Yongsun )                             #4039 ( Minatozaki Sana ) #4042 ( Hwang Hyunjin )                                              #4033 Lee Luda, vocals                                           Exo - Love Me Right | Outfit

“All of you will continue with us next week.” Luda couldn't believe her ears. Third place? That didn't sound real. Her teams placed last twice in a row, how could this be possible, especially with her as leader? She knew she didn't have any leading qualities. She helped where she could and tried to be cheerful and minded everyone's opinions and sure that was important, but that wasn't enough to be a leader. And yet they managed to place third and for the first time, no one was eliminated. Not one single team member. The girl couldn't help the tears streaming over her face and she let them. At the same time she tried doing so quietly, not wanting to seem overly unprofessional. She thanked her team as soon as they were off the stage – Luda knew she wouldn't have made it without them. And she was sad that they all would have to move on to their new teams, but she was still thankful for the experience.

To her surprise Hyunjin was on her team again – and she was glad to know at least one face, as she's never worked with anyone else of this weeks team before. Six teammates was a stark contrast to four and worry over smooth decision-making came to mind. Luckily everything went surprisingly smooth. She was still glad that she wasn't eligible as leader anymore. When they first met, it was obvious that some of the other members already knew each other and she hoped it would help the teamwork. She wasn't one to feel left out easily and she tried to clink in whenever she thought of a possibly good idea. Team Universe sounded like a great idea and even more so that everyone would choose a planet for themselves. She initially thought of Neptune – her favourite Sailor Moon character – but the planet was fast taken and she took to her phone to have a look at other planets. Pluto came to mind. But when she saw Mercury and how beautiful the planet looked in pictures, her mind was fast set on it. It was also the smallest planet of the solar system, so that's what she would say to anyone teasing her about not having chosen Pluto. She fought hard against the urge to suggest dressing up as sailor scouts for the performance – it didn't quite seem serious enough. But she was still happy with the concept.

This time the song chosen was Exo's “Love Me Right”, a song she found had a very nice feel to it, though a lot of other songs came to mind before this one, when she thought of summer songs. But she didn't mind the choice at all – she understood that half the team were boys who might feel uncomfortable doing something very girlie, even if that's what she really craved to do by now. She found girlie concepts suited her more and that's what she also liked listening to. Not exclusively, but a lot. Still, Love Me Right was a nice choice. It wasn't too masculine and something that was also important: the dance wasn't incredibly difficult, even if it wouldn't be easy. This criteria was something that in her mind, excluded a sad amount of songs. She wished she could deliver a hard dance well, but the first two group performances were enough to make her feel very careful about song choices.

Practising went relatively well this week... for the most part. She went home to sleep the first and last days, otherwise sleeping at the practise room again. She didn't know how much longer she could continue with so little sleep, but for the frail person she was, she had a very sturdy health and body. The performance this time seemed a bit more trendy-casual she thought, while the previous one had had a calmer-casual feel to it. She really liked going through so many different concepts, even if she still wanted to do a cute girl group one. The only kind she feared were sexy, super masculine and dance-heavy ones. But she would do her best in those as well, if ever a performance would require her to.

During the week she practised her breathing technique again, as well as the usual vocal, dance and expressions. She'd found different methods that were supposed to help and – except for the amount she slept every night – gave her best to live healthily. The tangerines Haknyeon's mother sent were surely a boost in vitamins and she was happy he shared them with the team. She also put more focus on warming up properly so she wouldn't hurt herself. Overall she'd learned many new things over the past weeks and felt like she made good progress. Of course that was no reason to relax – especially after coming in third place, she was worried to fall lower again. But it showed that she could achieve good results. Of course there would always be the worry that she only made it this far because her teams saved her and that she by herself wasn't good enough for third place, but she couldn't let that consume her thoughts. She could only do her best and outgrow herself.

They all worked hard and she admired how well Yongsun was doing. But then she collapsed and the team was understandably shocked and hurried to her, including Luda. This had happened in none of her previous teams so far and even though she hurried to her side, she felt frozen and was unsure how to do, so she did whatever came to mind to help. She was shocked and even after the other continued practising, Luda kept having an eye on her, just to make sure.

As usual she had most fun with the vocal runs, which she had quite a few of. She thought Yongsun had a very beautiful voice, though she also liked Sana's and Junmyeon's singing. Really, she was impressed by the whole team and felt like she had to put in a lot more work to keep up. There was still a lot she had to learn when it came to her voice, but she enjoyed learning. Dancing still wasn't easy, especially this dance. While she knew the song already, she never realised how difficult and fast the dance was. She'd been happy that they decided against something as difficult as the BTS song that came up, but soon realised this wouldn't be easy either and it was also part of the reason why she decided to stay and sleep at the practise room again. Sometimes she fell, sometimes she could only stare at herself in the mirror because her brain seemed to black out and she suddenly couldn't remember the next step. It was difficult to make full movements and not have her arms bent, when the moves were so fast that sometimes even her brain couldn't keep up.

One night when she was alone at the practise room was especially difficult. It was the beginning of the week still, but her progress wasn't as good as she wanted it to be. She didn't get as far with the vocal part as she wanted, because she had to focus on dancing a lot. But all the dance practise kept her from practising singing properly. She wasn't satisfied with herself and worried, how this would continue over the week. She continued dancing either way, but her face showed a very unusual expression. Before, she'd adjusted her expression to the song while practising, so she would see whether she gave off a fitting image. But now her brows pulled together and her jaw was tense. She felt tears prickling in her eyes as she continuously messed up certain moves and took deep breaths to calm herself down to keep going. As she went on though, she continuously had to wipe tears off her cheeks. She didn't know where they came from – she's never been the best dancer and she's been distraught during the previous weeks before, but this time was different and she couldn't pinpoint what the reason was.

Luda didn't stop until sobs overtook her and she let herself fall onto the floor, hands covering her face. She quietly cried except for the one or other sob for a while until she felt empty. After a good 10 minutes, she left the practise room and came back soon after. She'd washed her light make-up off, after her mascara had been a mess anyway. Because of the cameras, she'd usually worn at least a bit of it, but now she didn't care and as it was only light make-up anyway, it didn't change too much, only that her eyes were still a little swollen from crying. With a stern expression she rarely ever showed, the girl continued practising, filming herself and comparing it to the original, trying to better herself, even when no one else was around. She couldn't leave her team hanging.

Eventually she sat down in a corner and fell asleep in the early morning hours.

Days later, not much had changed except that she was indeed progressing very well. It wasn't perfect, sure, but as everyone worked together pretty well – especially with some of them already knowing each other from previous teams – she felt motivated and hopeful and it gave her strength to not give up. She wasn't really over whatever had made her cry, but she did her best to keep busy, so she wouldn't have time to think about it.

The days rushed by and being the first team to perform, she found herself on stage faster than she could really fathom. While it was nice to have the performance done quickly, it would also mean they would have to wait the longest until eliminations and performing first was even more nerve wrecking now than holding the first presentation at school. Having to start the song didn't make anything better.

They introduced themselves as Team Universe and continued on individually.

“My entire universe is you,” she quoted part of her lyrics, “Hello, I'm Lee Luda, Universe's Mercury,” she made a finger heart at the audience. “With our performance today, I hope to make you all feel lighter in this warm summer!” she exclaimed and referenced the fact that things weighed a lot less on Mercury than they did on Earth.

Oh yeah, come on!

She started energetically, holding her hand out and pulling her fingers toward herself, telling a non-existent person to come closer. Her voice was stronger than during practise, possibly because of the adrenaline flowing through her, but it fit the song quite well and she was glad that she neither messed up the very beginning of their performance, nor had a longer start. The dance continued on with a lesser complicated part. She pushed her arms out and smoothly angled them back in and moved her elbows slightly up and down – it reminded her a bit of the chicken dance – while keeping a smile on her face. Jumping to the side while rhythmically throwing one leg out went well, too and she continued, concentrated on the dance.

Yeah~

Luda sang prettily, after Haknyeon's rap – she didn't know much about rap, but thought he was very good at it – ended. And she thought that the lines she got suited her voice well – and she was very happy about the amount she'd gotten. Though a few of them were more in the background, she loved ad-libbing and vocal runs and enjoyed it.

Just love me right Baby love me right

As the song progressed she continued to enjoy it, no matter how frustrated she'd been during the training, she couldn't worry about that now. She sang clearly and with a smile in her eyes, whenever singing hindered her from smiling. It seemed like she hadn't earnestly smiled in a while, even though that wasn't the truth. But being on stage like this was just on another level and she loved flowing over the stage and showing the world her voice. Even if she had to put a lot of focus on flowing, otherwise stomping more like an elephant.

Just love me right Just love me right Just love me right

For this performance, her lines were spread over the whole song a lot more, than before. It had taken a lot of concentration while learning the song, so she wouldn't miss a beat. The constantly changing formation in the choreography made it even more difficult and while she hadn't been sure whether she would ever be able to learn this at first, she was pretty confident now. Her movements surely weren't perfect, but she didn't get into anyone else's space, which was a plus. Her hard work to get the choreography down really showed, even if she still had a lot to learn.

We can’t stop, ah yeah

It was fun to sing the song, even when she had to focus on so many things and be careful to not get into anyone's space. She felt like her joy showed well in her voice. She moved with energy, just like she sang and felt as though high, whenever she could beam a bright smile at the audience, or wink at a camera.

A bright, moonlit night the stars give off their fireworks

Progressing from line to line and from move to move, she gets more and more immersed by the song, with no room left for thoughts like “At the beginning of the week I never would've thought I could do this well” or “What if I'm only imagining that I'm doing well, what if I'm actually messing up big time?”. Of course her dancing wasn't perfect, but her breathing had gotten a lot better, just like her stamina. It had been difficult to sing with a clear voice, when the dance asked her to move so much, but hard work indeed paid off.

On this highway, it’s a runway Milky way inside your eyes looking at me

With what almost seemed like casual ease, she moved to the centre of the formation, while singing and gave her best confident smirk, before moving to the side again. There was a lot of effort behind it still – nothing was ever as easy as it seemed after all.

Love me right

Alluring lady

Ooh~

My entire universe is you

Oh yeah~

It seemed like this performance was the one to pass by the fastest so far, going from high note to the next and Luda tried to bring everything out of her voice that she had and she mentally prepared for one of her favourite parts already.

You and I, the night sky

She stands still, raising her right arm, while putting her all into her voice and turning slightly to the side after letting it back down. She puts the hand of her other arm over her heart and draws out the note prettily. So far she'd preferred to stand at the side and just sing well, but being in the centre of the formation, even only for a few seconds, even when she stood at the back, really felt good.

On this highway, it’s a runway Milky way inside your eyes looking at me Just love me right (Aha) Baby love me right (Aha)

Oooh yeah yeah yeah

After Sana finishes the next line, they all sing together, clapping their hands on the sides of their legs, Luda only singing the last line alone. It's another of her favourite parts and she loves it whenever she can play with her voice, rather than only singing the lyrics.

My lady

After drawing out notes yet again, it's already her turn again and after she successfully finished the lines she smiles, showing her teeth and her chest heaves a bit, trying to get in as much air as possible, but winks at the camera. She sings the next line together with Sana.

And she continued through the rest of the song and dance with all she's got, having fun and hoping it would catch onto the crowd. She plays her voice to the best of her abilities for her last lines and once the song is over, Luda freezes in the end pose, until they get the sign to move. She's breathing heavily by now and feels dizzy, leaning a bit too much to one side, but catches herself. She'd smile at the others, but is breathing too hard. She gave it her all throughout the song, and while her dancing wasn't perfect, she felt proud. A bit of worry that she was proud when she shouldn't be filled her, but deciding she really had to stop downplaying her abilities, she ignored those thoughts. Of course she had her weaknesses, but everyone did.

Her high, if it could be called such, soon came to an end when they were off the stage and she saw Junmyeon crying. Seeing someone else in tears always brought the same to her eyes, but she swallowed them, trying to add words of encouragement like the others did.

Now they would have to wait until all other teams had performed and then some more for the judges to decide and she prayed.

[quinnsthinking]

TOO MANY SECRETS

Too Many Secrets

 AN F. B. I. setup, a thug named Packy, and an entire family wiped out by a homicidal maniac all while I was listening to the ball game.

  I was enjoying a beer at Falcos bar and grill in Cork town, listening to the Tigers on the radio as they gave in to the Yankees at Briggs Stadium over on Trumble, just a few blocks away.  

  Why wasn’t I there in person? Because my favorite secretary, Mrs. Ferguson, who bought the tickets I needed, left them on the dining room table, where Isaiah, her six year old grandson was enjoying a tall glass of milk. Needless to say, I am at Falco’s in Cork town listening to the Tigers as they gave in to the Yankees on the radio.

    “You oughta fire that secretary of yours, Blake,” Joey said.

  I smiled. Something I hadn’t been able to do for over a year, not since the house on Chapel.

  Joey was Joseph Highland. He ran his own trucking company. Seven days a week 15 hours a day. He does pretty well. Good enough to own his own home on Brush Street.

  He went to great lengths to make sure he had no pick-ups or deliveries this day. His plan was to sit in foul territory along first base line and catch a Tiger foul. That was before he discovered that six-year-olds with milk should never be in close proximity of Tiger tickets.

  I had been looking forward to this day for the last two weeks. I had been working my ass off for over a month and that included weekends and was looking forward to coming up for air. Some of the guys in this bar I haven’t seen in a few years. Mike Lombowski, everyone calls him Jimmy though no one knows why, was the first guy I met when I wondered into Detroit ten years ago with nothing more than a suit, a hat and a half-empty deck of Camels. He gave me a place to stay, a full belly and friendship, something I wasn’t used to. I don’t know how many times I’ve repaid the favor but I still felt as though I owe the guy. And probably always will. I hadn’t seen Jimmy in almost two years. He sort of withdrew after a drunk driver took his wife out of this world and into the next.  He read about me in the papers and the case that changed my life, finding those kids in the basement, and dealing with the incident on Chapel. He came to see me in the hospital and was right there when I came home. Then there was Joey. Joey did a bit in Jackson Penitentiary waiting on death row for what started out as murder but later turned into Justifiable Homicide. His then girlfriend wouldn’t let the murder charge stay. She hired me to find the truth. Spent every last dime doing it. It paid off for her. I was able to come up with enough evidence for the D.A. to reopen the case and six months after that he was released. He showed his gratitude to his girlfriend by marrying her two weeks after he breathed free air and the two of them haven’t looked back since. Charles Madison was a carpenter from Southfield. I hired him to do some work in my apartment and some how we ended up closing bars every now and then.    

  I was finishing off my second beer, Falco wasting no time drawing the third, when Williamson homered in the fourth and brought the Tigers within two. That’s when a giant colored man that had the features of a mean Mexican walked in and right up to the bar, picked up the beer meant for me and downed the entire glass in a setting. He thumped the empty mug back on the counter, turned around and walked back out again. Leonard Claring watched the big man leave and with amazement in his eyes he turned to me and said,

    “What was that?”   Falco drew another beer with a sly smile and set it in front of me and I said, “That was Tommy ’Corners’, I told him to stop by and have a drink.”

    “And?”

  All of us said in unison,

    “He did.”

  Tetterton struck out and ended the inning. Outside it was a day created by the gods just for baseball. There was no humidity to cling to your skin. The sun watched over the city occasionally playing a game of hide-and-seek behind scattered clouds. Falco had the front door open to the bar and some of the Detroit riverfront stepped in and reminded us that this city was an okay place to live in.

  Homicide Detective, Lieutenant Franklin Miles walked in, getting an early parole from home. Miles broke the color barrier here in Detroit becoming the first negro detective. He brought Fishburn with him.

  Webster Fishburn wasn’t a very likeable guy and I hated him even more, then again I didn’t like Miles much either, but we had a mutual respect for each other and that made it all right. Falco invited Miles here today and that was fine with me. A day like today made you forget you could actually hate someone.  It was the first time I’d actually seen Miles without a coat and tie; he was twice as big without ’em. Arms the size of tree trunks with the height to match. I have to admit, I’d pay big money to see Miles and Tommy ’Corners’ go at it and I was pretty sure that if the gods didn’t catch me sleeping, I would one day.

  Miles slapped a bill on the counter and called for two beers, and before Falco could lift the buck I said,

    “Put it away Miles, it’s on me. Drink all you want.”

  He just stared at me with a bag of suspicion.

    “What’s a matter Lieutenant? Too good to accept a handout from a shady detective? It’s on me. Fishburn too.”

  Fishburn smiled and said,

    “Hell, if a loser like you is buyin, I’m closin the bar. Fill ’em up Falco and keep ’em commin.”

  Falco smiled, poured the drinks and turned up the radio. That was Falco; leave your racism at the door. As far as Falco was concerned the colored mans money spent just as well as the white mans.

  The beers were flowing and the smiles were passed on from man to man. Baseball had a way of doing that to men like us. No matter what the problems two men had with each other, if they couldn’t talk about anything else, there was always baseball.

  Yeah, today was a gift from the gods to a bunch of losers like us. Baseball, beer, a few friends and a couple of enemies, all gettin along for nine innings, and with any luck the Tigers would get that extra push to tie the game and take us all into extra innings.

  Like I said before, the gods have got a sense of humor. The game was rounding the sixth inning and just like that I was reminded just how much they hated me. And how I hated them.

    “Hey Ritchie, telephone,” Falco brought the phone to me and that was the end of a great day and the beginning of a bad one.

    “Yeah. This is Blake.” The noise was picking up, Williams just struck out.

    “Yeah! This is Blake! Who?” I stuck a finger in my open ear.

    “Mr. Olden... What? You’ll have to speak up the games on. You-... Now? Yeah, yeah I hear ya! All right...All right...No... No...10 Minutes!”

I gave the phone back to Falco and hit Miles on the arm and motioned to the door. Miles looked into my eyes and I don’t know if it was his disdain for me or his police instincts but his smile slipped away like sand through a net.

  Outside he said, “What’s up Blake?”

    “My office. That was Ronald Olden, he’s assistant manager at the Penobscott Building.”

    “I know Olden. He’s a good man.”

    “Something’s wrong, it could be nothing. He says he’s been looking for me for the last hour. He got a hold of Mrs. Ferguson and she told him where to find me.”

    “So what’s wrong?”

    “He didn’t say. But I’ll tell you this much; Olden’s not prone to panic.”     “I know.”

    “He didn’t sound right on the phone. Hell, if I didn’t know better, I’d say he sounded terrified.”

   It took us less than ten minutes to get to my building. The Penobscott was a testament to man’s achievement. Fifty floors of cement and steel. A concrete stake in the heart of Detroit. My office was on the twenty-second floor.

  We walked through the giant lobby, our heels clacking on the marble floor. Saturdays at the Penobscott Building was like late night at the bus terminal. Just a few hardworking joes getting in a few hours of overtime. There was a guy in a dark suit sitting on a bench reading a paper and another smoking a cigarette talking with one of the security guards. I signed in at the counter and Miles and I took the elevator, up... to hell.

  When the doors opened it was impossible to miss, blood. Several, small, smeared patches of red all leading down the hall and toward my office. We stepped off the elevator careful not to touch anything. The bloodstains were heavier coming off the elevator across from us. The smudges faded the closer we got to my office door and the footprints became more pronounced. The tiny footprints of a child. Inside my office he stood there in a petrified state. His face a blank sheet of paper, his body covered from head to toe and back again. Covered in blood. Mr. Olden stood behind Mrs. Ferguson’s desk, his bloody hands still clutching the phone he used to find me.

  Miles holstered the .38 he snatched out when the elevator doors opened.

    “You know him?” He said. I shook my head. He looked familiar but I couldn’t place him there was just too much...

  Miles crouched in front of the boy and gently spoke,

    “What’s your name kid?”

  The boy didn’t answer; he just stood there staring off into nothing. I turned to Olden.

    “Do you know who this is?”

  Olden was fixed on the little boy.

    “Olden!” I yelled.

  He turned seeing me for the first time.

    “Mr. Blake. My God.”

    “Time for that later, do you know who this is?”

    “Au-Augy. Augy Martin.”

    “Augy?” I couldn’t see it before, but yes, it was. Augy. I’d only met him once or twice.

August Martin. What was he doing here?

  Miles called to Augy as softly as possible. There was no response at first and then as if an alarm clock had awakened in the little boys mind, August Martin let out a scream so chilling that it could put fear into a dead mans bones.

    “Blood!” he screamed. “Blood!”      

    “Where are you going Blake?”

    “To find out where that blood came from. It’s obvious it didn’t come from the kid. His father has an office upstairs.”

    “Hang on,” he said. Miles knocked Olden out the way and grabbed the phone.

  A few minutes later he and I were on the 23rd floor looking at a hall painted red. Miles stepped out of the elevator his .38 swallowed up in his beefy hand and I followed. There was no need for him to ask where Mr. Martin’s office was he just followed the bloody trail.

  The door read Diamond Import Export right above the bloody hand prints. It was open just enough to see a blood covered foot lying on the floor. We both stood on either side of the door frame. Miles held the rod in his left hand and rapped on the window with his right.

    “Police!” He yelled. “We’re coming in.”   He gave the door a shove. It hung up on the dead mans leg.

  Even though I was pretty sure that whoever brought about this carnage was long gone I was still nervous about stepping through that door.

  Miles entered slowly, his gun straight out in front of him.

  The only living things in this office were the flies. A natural phenomenon when there are three people hacked up, most of there blood on the floors and walls.

[brianjpatterson]

SPOTLIGHT: My relationship to failure

If you’re just joining Spotlight, then this is my personal journal of my personal journey as a performer. It’s a kind of way for me to look back on all of my experiences, and lessons I’ve learned, while simultaneously sharing what I’ve learned with you. Disclaimer: The word PERSONAL was utilized twice in the first sentence. Therefore, this is not the gospel or the truth, it’s just me sharing MY experiences in an effort to assist, if possible, in other people’s discovery (end disclaimer). Today, I’m taking a small break from my A+B=C method which focuses on “Brian’s B’s” (Being, Behavior, and Business), to talk about something that I think we all encounter….FAILURE.

I post a lot about success and achievement in this blog site in the form of strategies I have developed, and even my own wins. Recently, I had been feeling like a very big failure. Therefore, today, I’m going to talk to you about my failures. My failures far outperform my successes, and couple of weeks ago I was feeling out of sorts, and had been feeling that way for about a week or so. The day I started writing this, I ended up going to the gym, doing a Zumba class, and afterwards listening to Jem & the Holograms’ “We Can Change It” on repeat (because it’s one of the most positive and uplifting songs I’ve ever heard…Not only that, but it takes me back to a much simpler time in my life, and always puts a smile on my face). So there I was listening to Jem, while doing what I call a “White Boy Workout”. You know, the kind where you lift the heaviest weights possible and angry grunt a lot. White boys, please don’t be offended. As the late, great Joan Rivers said, “It’s a fucking joke!” lol :) At any rate, I often do that kind of workout when I’m letting off steam, and I REALLY needed to let off some steam because I was feeling like a complete and total failure. Why? Well, let me give you some details to set up my current situation. It started with a list of unfortunate events at the end of 2016. First, the big named clients for whom I normally worked, and who provided me with over 70% of my annual income, were not hiring for 2017. I also found out in mid-2017 that they weren’t going to be hiring for the second year in a row. Second, my assistance from said jobs had expired at the end of 2017. Third, my agent, who provided the remainder/other portion of my income (and with whom I’d been signed for the last nine years), decided to shut down the agency and close their doors for good. Fourth, around this time multiple members of my family were contacting me in a near desperate state because my other parent was also experiencing what were percieved as a potential major health concern. Fifth, and last but not least, my living situation had become even more toxic…again (that’s an entire essay in itself, and one I’ll save for another day). The culmination of all these things forced me to make a very big change in my life, which was to move from the nest I’d created for myself over the last 14 years in San Francisco, and try a new market. So I packed up my things, and headed for Los Angeles to live with my adoptive brother. Now I am in a new market, where no one knows me, and no one knows my work history, talents, or my work ethic. Not to mention, I had to utilize my savings and have also accumulated a bit of debt over the past two years just trying to survive and stay afloat. This brings me to my situation from a few weeks ago where I was feeling kind of lost and alone, and without any income or upcoming work. For all intents and purposes, I’m essentially completely starting over in my life in nearly every way. Needless to say, I have been feeling like a GIANT failure. In addition, after reviewing my annual business plan only days before, I reviewed my list of goals. By nature they should take me to the next level of my career, but I am now living in a place where I’m a nobody and can’t see how to achieve these new goals. This for me highlighted the fact that I was once again a giant failure in life…period. Yet, there’s that word ‘once again’. I have been here before, and I’m willing to bet that many others have either felt like this, or have also been in similar situations; Especially other performers. So how do I (we) transform my (our) failures into successes? I’m guessing the answer lies in failing some more.

FAIL MORE TO ENDURE

In a previous post, where I discussed my approach to making a living as an actor, I mention that statistically the average performer (specifically actor) only books 10% of every thing for which they might audition. Utilizing this statistic against the average day rate of pay for the market in which I lived (San Francisco), I calculated that I would need to attend approximately 25-30 auditions per month just to break even on monthly expenses. Keep in mind if you look at this another way, this would mean that I would be failing to book approximately 23-27 times EACH MONTH! That means over the last 7 years, I failed to book a job over 1,900 times. Many of them were very VERY good paying jobs that could’ve taken me many other places. To exemplify, there were approximately 4 big budget SAG national commercials in that mix, all of them paying what would have been the equivalent of my annual salary. I was placed on a hold/check avail for all of them…and I booked none of them; Failed. I won’t even go into detail about the network tv show for which I was being strongly considered. Long story short, the director received my name and resume from a mutual friend, but after reviewing my materials, he said that he “wouldn’t waste putting me in a supporting role”; Failed! Yes, that’s only a couple of examples to help illustrate how my failures have far outweighed my successes. But much like my equation for breaking even on monthly expenses while living in San Francisco, the equation for success is similar. Failing a lot ensures achieving at least 10% success from failures. So I have to go out there and fail s’more! Why? Well, first off it’s how we build durability.

The very first audition I attended was in Pittsburgh, PA and it was for a toothpaste commercial. I had just been introduced to theatre in high school, and was performing in the spring musical for the first time. I went into the audition and naturally I totally BOMBED IT! I was completely horrible and even though I felt as though I was invincible, I had absolutely NO IDEA what I was doing. Needless to say, I didn’t get the job, and I knew it as soon as I left the audition room. I cried for the longest time and didn’t attend an audition again for probably a year. Which of course was next year’s school spring musical audition. While in high school I built up a small ability to endure these auditions and it got stronger and stronger each year. Cut to twenty five years later, I now find the audition process to be a normal thing. Although I still experience nerves, it’s become normal and natural for me and I’ve built up a kind of inoculation to it where I can navigate it much better. I’ve built up a durability to it. Durability is one of the coolest after effects of failing often. The more we fail, the more durable we become so that things don’t have such a crippling effect on us.

FAIL MORE TO MASTER

Another great after effect of more failures, is mastery and/or learning. For this, I always think of one example in particular. I was on set with another actor one day and he was talking about things that inspired him, and how many actors often aren’t very good in their early years. He used the example of Eva Longoria, and he claimed that she wasn’t very good during her early soap opera days. I stopped him and asked him if he knew about the conditions under which soap opera actors operate. He admitted he didn’t know, and so I told him. A lot of the time, soap opera actors are given scripts merely minutes or hours before shooting. This can also sometimes be true of many other episodic television as well. The business side of much of entertainment operates so quickly that it doesn’t always leave the adequate space or room for in depth actor preparation. Specifically soap operas. So when he saw Eva Longoria, he saw someone who was probably new to the business and hadn’t had practice operating under those kinds of circumstances. After hearing this, the actor with whom I was working, better understood the circumstances under which Eva was operating (EVERYONE has different circumstances in life, and it’s always great to keep this in mind). This was a great example of someone who failed in order to master. Once Ms. Longoria had an understanding of the system, she knew how to work with it and even began mastering it. This was evident in her work on other shows in the future as she really kicked some ass on screen!

I have failed like that in many ways. The only difference is that I used San Francisco as my training ground for a lot of it. A few of the things I was mediocre at during the beginning of my stay in SF were: acting for the camera (I started in theatre so everything started too big), TelePrompTer, stunts for camera, and voiceover. When I first began each of these I sucked ass. I was horrible, but I kept working on each of them and became good. Some came easier than others, but I knew getting good was important because by the time I got back to LA I would need to be ready and prepared to work. My previous experience of LA was that the city and entertainment industry was a business and those who were actually working wanted to work with people who could work at their level and could contribute to efficiency and profitability. That means a mastery of job skills. Right now the skill I’m learning is moving to a new market. I’m in the early phases, and I’m failing (EPICALLY) at the moment, but I’m slowly learning how to master it. After I’ve mastered it, I’ll be ready to do the next step, which I believe, is to climb that ladder of success!

FAIL MORE TO CLIMB

Once we are able to build up durability and master our skills, we can then more effectively and efficiently climb the ladder of success. The ladder of success is often a difficult climb without strength, durability, grit, thorough skills, and developed talents. Usually, when ascending any kind of ladder, each step is more and more challenging; Requiring more evolved skills and responsibilities. But know that the more you fail, it’s very likely that you’ll be able to climb faster and easier.

CONCLUSION

Personally, I work hard, which means that I also fail hard. Every time that you see one of my successes, that often (but not always) means I’ve failed exponentially just to get there. In the past, I have failed many many times. I’ve failed at auditions, I’ve failed at tasks, and I’ve even failed at achievement. Currently, I’m failing in a major way in my transition into a new market. However, failure is a natural part of the equation for success. We often think that failures are the end all and be all of our endeavors. However, that mindset prevents us from gaining many of it’s benefits. Because, in fact, the sooner we can perceive and internalize the benefits of failure, the better. The more we fail, learn from our failures, and build up our durability to failures, the sooner we can climb the ladder of success. So I invite you all to look at failure through this lens. Change your conversation about it. Because it’s then, that you can watch failure work in your favor!

[nerdiests]

so i had the bright idea to write a fine arts au for my hero academia, and i had the even brighter idea to post it up on here, so.

here’s the link to the first chapter

Izuku had spent days gazing into the windows of the quaint music store along his route to school. He was nearly late on multiple occasions because he was entranced by the plethora of instruments visible through the glass. Oh, if he could buy one for his own he would. They were all so much better than the old guitar Izuku had at home. But for now, he was stuck. And here he was, staring at all the fancy schmancy guitars hanging juuust out of his reach. If only he had a way to pay for any guitar he’d want to buy. He could, theoretically, start doing odd jobs but that’d take away from practice and schoolwork-

“Hey, watch where you’re standing, kid!” Izuku snapped out of his thoughts when someone bumped into him, shoving him closer to the glass window he’d gazed into for who knows how long.

“Sorry!” he called as the other person continued walking. Izuku adjusted his backpack on his shoulders, before chancing a glance at his watch. Oh shoot, he was going to be late if he didn’t hurry!! He scrambled for his earbuds in his pocket, put one in his ear, and picked a playlist at random. He didn’t know what music he needed today. So the intro to one of his favorite musicals put a spring in his step as he continued the trek to school. Well, the train station but that was to get to school.

The train was full of people, as it was always. Izuku kept his music on as people bustled about, getting on and off at various stops. As he was engrossed in his music, he nearly missed the stop he’d been getting off at for two years. Only someone bumping into him yet again knocked him out of his music-induced trance right as the train slowed to a stop.

It wasn’t a long walk to his junior high from the train stop, and although he’d left his house with plenty of time to spare, he was nearly late yet again. He hoped to quietly duck into the classroom, with no one commenting on his arrival. No one did, as usual. The whole class was lazing about the room, and Izuku slunk back to his desk in the back row, sitting down quietly and pulling out his homework from the day prior.

“Bakugou-kun, aren’t you playing at an event later this week?” Izuku slid down in his chair as some of his classmates struck up a conversation with his childhood “friend”, Katsuki Bakugou. Drummer extraordinaire, musical genius, and shooting for the premier fine arts school with the best music program in Japan.

“Oh, I’m really hoping I can go, but my parents probably won’t let me do anything on Friday evening. It’s only a half-day on Saturdays anyways.” Another person spoke up, and the conversation continued, only pausing at a shrug from Bakugou and finally ceasing when their teacher called for the attention of the class.

The day would have gone smoothly, if high school applications hadn’t been brought up. Izuku didn’t want the whole class knowing he was planning on auditioning for the music program at U.A, same as Bakugou was. Did their teacher really have to announce that Izuku was shooting for the music program? He could’ve just said that Izuku was shooting for U.A as well, and people would have laughed. But at least he wouldn’t have been on the receiving end of a Bakugou Glare (patent pending) for the rest of the day. It was not fun. Izuku barely managed to avoid getting caught by him repeatedly, and that was only by running late to three of his classes and going and finding a secluded corner of the school to eat his lunch in. At least he could go home straight after school. And practice on his old - reliable, but old - guitar tucked safely in his closet.

The train ride back home was per normal, he was bumped into at least twice, and an earbud nearly fell out. But he made it to his stop without getting too lost in his music, and began his trek home from the train station with some older video game music. Izuku came to a standstill in front of the music store, per normal, and stared at the fancier (fancier than his, at any rate) acoustic guitars and extremely expensive (for him) electric guitars  hanging on the racks through the window. Ah, he could never get his fill of admiring the superior quality. He just. Really wanted a better guitar. His was going out of tune so frequently, and two of the strings were really finicky. He needed to replace those soon, actually.

“Pardon me.” Someone speaking knocked Izuku out of his internal musings, and he quietly stepped to the side.

“Thank you, young man,” the person continued, walking into the store. Oh. Izuku had been standing in front of the door. Oops.

“Not a problem,” he muttered, continuing to stare at guitars. That voice sounded vaguely familiar… But Izuku couldn’t place it. Oh well. Eventually he was jostled again, and remembered that ah yes, I have to go home because staring at guitars is not a productive thing to do. So off he went, noting the change from older video game music to newer video game music as he walked.

He fumbled with the keys to his and his mother’s apartment, as per normal, but he didn’t drop them this time. The smell of chocolate wafted throughout the apartment, and Izuku grinned. His mom made the best chocolate chip cookies.

“Mom, I’m home!” he called, slipping his shoes off and locking the door. As he made his way towards his room, his mother walked out of the kitchen.

“Oh, Izuku! I made cookies, if you want to have one later. How was school?” Izuku stopped for a slight moment, before turning to face his mom with a small smile.

“It was okay, we talked about high school enrollment,” he replied. His mother’s eyebrows rose in slight surprise.

“Really? And you know exactly where you want to go,” his mom replied, smiling. Izuku nodded once, a bit too sharply because ow, his neck.

“Yeah. I’ve been practicing a lot more and I’m really hoping I can get into U.A’s music program. But it’s the premier fine arts school in Japan so competition to get in is tough,” Izuku sighed. His mom nodded.

“You have been sounding a lot better recently, and even my tone-deaf ears can tell me that you’re a wonderful guitarist, Izuku.” Izuku grinned as his mother talked, chuckling slightly.

“Mom, I’m not that good. You should hear Kacchan on drums, that’s what good music sounds like,” Izuku replied, waving one of his hands. His mother put a hand on her chin, as if considering it for a moment.

“Well, I haven’t heard him on the drums. I only hear what you play and the music you always have playing,” she paused momentarily, taking her hand off her chin, “Now. What do you want for dinner?” Izuku shrugged once.

“Whatever you want to make, mom. I’m gonna go do homework and practice,” he said, making his way towards his room. HIs mother called back that she’d be making chicken as he closed his door and sat down at his desk to work on his math homework. That geometry was calling his name, and he told himself he’d always get homework done before practice.

Dinner was wonderful, as always. The two discussed their days over dinner, and Izuku informed his mother he had wrapped up all his homework right as she had called for him to come get dinner. She’d laughed after that, saying that must be why you’re so antsy, Izuku, you want to go play your guitar! Izuku was dismissed not long after, and he dashed to rinse his plate off so he could go practice already!! His guitar was calling his name, and he needed to get some sort of work done that day.

“What should I look at today…” Izuku muttered to himself as he flicked through the copious amounts of sheet music he’d managed to find. It took a few minutes to make his decision, and eventually he plucked out one of his more difficult pieces. As he began to play, he hummed the tune of the lyrics.

He spent a long while nitpicking on different pieces, making sure every little detail was absolutely perfect. He couldn’t get into U.A’s music program with skills like this! So getting everything to be perfect would be essential - oh, there’s another out of tune note, better fix that. Mistakes were not allowed, no sir. He needed to have these songs down pat so he wouldn’t stumble over anything during his audition. That would just be embarrassing.

“Time for bed, Izuku.” He was startled by a knock at his door, strumming a discordant chord as his mother opened the door. He cringed at the sound.

“What time is it?” he asked, setting his guitar down on his bed, before glancing at his clock. Oh geez, it was getting close to 10. He needed to get to sleep, it wasn’t even close to Saturday. Yet here he was, awake.

“Oh geez, I better get to sleep,” Izuku said, and his mother smiled at him.

“Get some rest, you can practice a bit more in the morning if you remember to set an alarm to get ready,” she said, and Izuku nodded hurriedly, putting his guitar back in his closet and tucking his sheet music into its folder on his desk.

Izuku quickly rushed through getting ready for bed, and was wrapped up in his favorite blanket not even ten minutes later, with quiet acoustic guitar playing in his room. His eyes started to drift shut as he thought about the day. It could’ve been better… And, as always, the music store tempted him. Say, hadn’t someone that looked vaguely familiar bumped into him today? Blond hair, tall and lanky… And the voice sounded even more familiar, like something Izuku had listened to time and time again.

As another song faded out and his eyes drifted shut, the quiet chords to a song he knew well came on. Right as he was about to fall asleep, the voice he’d heard at the music store came out of his speakers and Izuku shot up in bed.

“Oh my god I ran into Toshinori Yagi today.”

[god-hunter]

Party’s Over

Sorta...

I was depressed for a whole week after that last bout of 2 flakes in a row from The Bailer.  I legit wanted to do nothing all week. Not even put on fun stuff to watch.  That’s not like me.  I wasn’t owning my Awesome.  I wasn’t feeling Awesome at all...

Needy Girl has been there for me on FB and she’s come over here and there.  We’re working on a Puzzle now as sort of a time-passer, OT sort of thing...  And we do bang, but it’s different.  I think she understands that I’m in a place right now and that I’m really hurt.

What’s crazier is that I’m more annoyed than anything about The Bailer, but what’s really hurting me still is all that stuff that happened with the Goth Mom, which was over a Month ago at this point!  I’ve been Emotionally Flip Flopping.  Back and Forth between I Deserve Better, and What the Hell Happened?

And if that wasn’t enough...  the Federal Help of the extra $600 a week ran out this weekend..  Today was my first day of claiming Normal Unemployment and it’s trash.  I can not live on that alone.  I knew this day was coming, but I thought I had more time...  I knew Unemployment was ending in September.  I didn’t know Federal Aid would end in July...

So I tried getting my act together by applying to a bunch of places.  I know better than to get excited when I hear my application was viewed twice or even 3 times. [Thanks Ziprecruiter..]. They were responsible for my last job, and I’m grateful, but now I have to be picky.  I won’t be able to afford Rent or COBRA on what they used to pay me.  Even if my old job took me back and COBRA went away, I’d still barely be making Rent. I have a bunch in savings, so I won’t have to worry about starving for a while.  Still.  I don’t want to slowly deplete them for the rest of the year.  And the next job I want to be worth while.

This time really sucks.  Gone is the working out for fun to pass the time.  Gone are the video games.  Gone is the entertainment...  I still have all day for any of these things, but my responsibility to building a sustainable life for myself is more important right now.  I can’t apply all day.  Sometimes not even an hour a day.  Other times, I can look for 2-3 hours.  It really depends on my motivation and how desperate, panicked or maybe even delusionally confident I’m getting.

I’ve also been doing a lot of Self Work and realizing that I’m not so perfect.  I’m a Catch and the World should fucking know it.  But at the same time... these 2 girls hurt me so bad over not wanting to see me.  And I shouldn’t be that hurt by it, even if they are no good cunts.  I don’t want to write them off yet.  But I have to be High Value.  I can’t keep chasing them.  If they want to talk to me, they gotta talk to me.

Goth Mom stopped talking to me, because she’s got to work on herself.  I made the smallest effort to compliment her new tattoo on Social Media and then sent her a random link to a video the next day.  We had a tiny conversation that fizzled out almost immediately.  I took that as a hint that she wasn’t interested in me anymore.  Meanwhile, I get insider information that her responding at all was her trying again.  Well...?  She wasn't Actually talking at all!  The extent of her conversation was, “I’m at my Aunt’s right now. Little man is with my Dad.”  Oh cool, man.  I told her that it’s good that she gets a break to do her for a little while, and she said Noooooooothhiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing.  So what the fuck am I supposed to do with that?  Message weekly or in 2 weeks to check up?  It’s Her fucking turn, man.

Same goes for The Bailer.  I gave her a whole fucking week, because she Fucked Up.  I didn’t try at all.  And then she actually did reach out, while I was doing some Self Work, which I’ll explain in a second.  Even under no pressure, this girl takes 10 minutes to respond to every text, because she wants to thoughtfully think out and calculate every move and word...  And after a few interactions, she continues to leave me hanging.  So I’m done, dude.

Again, it’s her turn.  The latest development is her mentioning how stressed she is that her best friend is hurting and that she can’t be there for her in person since they live far away.  I mentioned something about her being able to vent to me whenever she wanted and that I’m a good listener.  I got nothing in return. So what the fuck ever, dude.

As for the Self-Work...  I used to keep a Diary since I was a kid.  I kept up with it, honestly until my last relationship.  Obviously not every day, or not even every year.  But during important eras and chapters, I would keep up with it.

Well... I missed out on a very important chapter and decided that it’s high time to catch up on it.  So this Self Work is interesting.

While I still have time in this Pandemic, and while I’m not feeling so hot about all the impending changes, I decided that I’m gonna take on this project.  I’ll update everything year by year, from the 5 year relationship.  Learn and Remember how things used to be, how much things have changed, and maybe I can pinpoint what went wrong in the relationship, and identify what I will and will not stand for in the future.  And maybe even, how I can better myself for the next girl.

For now, for sure, I know that when meeting someone Completely New, I need to just be upfront.  I don’t want a relationship.  But I don’t want to fuck around.  I want to see where it goes.  It just needs to be slow and steady.  Not head first, lightning fast.  Which is exactly what Needy Girl wants. Her shit isn’t even together, but I feel like I’m already in a Relationship with her.  And that is a Red Flag.

When my Life changes, maybe I can look at that differently.  But I need to get out of the Scarcity Mindset. Again, Tinder is doing nothing for me, but showing me beautiful Women that don’t swipe right in return.

One friend reminded me that this is a scary time where people aren’t acting normal.  Anxiety is through the roof with people that never had it.  So for the people that Do, not unlike myself, I should give them a little more credit.  A lot of people aren't really in the dating mindset right now.

And again, that really fucking sucks.  But I too, need to slow it down and just focus on myself.  It’s the hardest thing to be happy when nothing is going on.  And I don’t want to settle with a FuckBuddy.  I really don’t...

So that’s what I need to work on.

I need to find my new normal with a better job now.  And that’s going to hurt me at first, but hopefully propel me into a better mindset in the future.  Maybe I’ll even meet a new girl at work or something.  Who the fuck knows...?

The Future isn’t written yet, but before I completely move forward, I still want to know if the door fully closed on that Goth Mom.  We barely started to create something that one night.  And despite all her baggage with a kid and shitty ex that won’t go away...  For some reason I still think it’s worth a shot.  But is it just the idea of her that I’m into??  I just want an honest shot at getting to know her better.  But she won’t let me in!  And I can’t force it or pry that open.  So that’s what sucks.  She’s a fucking Quitter on herself.  And maybe that’s what she needs to work on.

But that’s what got me thinking, that now our needs have kind of aligned.  I realized that I need to work on myself too.  Which brings me right back to when we stopped talking in the first place.  Are we not friends??  Can we not talk about the things we’re working on about ourselves with each other???

Maybe that’s what we both need?  And maybe we could build from there.  But for now, I just don’t know.  And the more these days go by, the less and less I think it’s worth it.

[aelin-and-feyre]

Circumstance (Part 10)

Tagging: @a-courtof-fangirls-and-fanfics @autumn03@rhysandpurred​ @crazybookladythings @readinggiraffe @devilsadvocate15 @marimarac @carolineherr15 @musiccbeach  @illyrian-wingspans @illyrianinterrasen @meowsekai @iwishitwasrocketscience @gavrielthelionn @throne–of-sass @2-bookmaster-2 @bluephoenix222 @daughterxofxnight @highladyofthedark @sugarcoated44 @fandoms-things-stuff @helloprinceling @wolffrising @the-court-of-terrasen @gcarroll(let me know if you want to be tagged in future parts!)

Fic Masterlist

This time, Cade makes sure to savor the feeling of his mate in his arms. She fits there so perfectly, tucked against his body as he flies over the city. Her hands are cupping the back of his neck, her fingers just brushing the ends of his hair. He doesn’t look down at her but he knows she is looking at him.

“Enjoying the view, bunny?” He asks, a small smile on his face.

Immediately, Ember averts her gaze. “I was,” she grumbles, “Until you ruined it with that stupid nickname.”

“I think you’re lying,” Cade muses. Ember raises her eyebrows. “I think you like the nicknames, I just think you’re jealous that you can’t come up with any good ones.”

She rolls her eyes but Cade can see that she is accepting the challenge. “Where are you taking me anyway, cuddle-bear?” His ears turn pink with embarrassment. So two can play at this game.

He shifts her weight awkwardly in his arms as they start gliding down. “Well crumpet,” she scowls, “we’re taking a trip to the Rainbow first.” Bracing his knees for impact, Cade lands smoothly along the cobblestone street, easily tucking away his wings. His fingers press against her body just a bit tighter before finally setting Ember on the ground. Her hands slip away from his neck and Cadewyn immediately feels the loss.

Lesser fae and high fae alike bustle around them on their regular duties, barely noticing the pair. A group of paint-smattered children scramble between them, separating Cade and Ember long enough that he loses sight of her. When she reappears, he reaches for her hand, grasping it firmly in his own. “Let’s go, we don't want to be late.”

“Late for what?” She wonders but follows along none the less. Cade listens for the sound of instruments warming up and follows it the open air amphitheater that he and his parents frequent. Ember’s gaze examines the orchestra and a smile finds it’s way onto her face. “We’re going to listen to a symphony?”

“Yeah, they’ll start in a couple minutes.” Cade is relieved that she likes it, guiding her take a seat in one of the back rows. Even when they are sitting, he does not release her hand, and Ember makes no move to take it away.

When the song starts, Cade can’t help but watch Ember as she listens. Her eyes softly drop closed as she lets the music overtake her. He sees her fingers begin to tap along on her knee, playing the melody on her own imaginary keys. He can see her, playing up their on the stage some day, performing for thousands of people.

“I should find a way to slip the conductor a copy of ‘Violet Eyes’,” Cade murmurs. He relishes her expression as her eyes open and she squints up at him.

“That wasn’t yours to look at,” she accuses. “Or the journals for that matter.”

His expression drops. “You’re right, I had no business looking through you’re things.” Although at this point he is glad he did, or else he wouldn’t have had the faintest idea what to do with her today. Ember seems content with his answer, turning back to the music, but Cade just can’t help himself. “Are you ever going to tell me the lyrics?” He asks.

His mate’s gaze turns to their joined hands between them. Her thumb gently brushes the back of his hand as she ponders her answer. “Truth be told,” she finally whispers, just loud enough that only he can hear it over the building music. “It’s not done yet.” Ember’s eyes lift to meet his own, some deep emotion simmering just below the surface. “Though I think it will be soon.”

The song ends and the audience erupts into tremendous applause. Ember and Cade, however, have their eyes trained on each other. Their hands interlaced and their foreheads almost touching, Cade is pretty sure he’s about to kiss her. But then Ember turns away, pulling her hand from his grasp and clapping along with the rest of the crowd.

Cadewyn releases a long breath that he hadn’t known he was holding. He could have kissed her. She was right there. He’s not sure what triggers he mating bond, as it had happened for him when he was just a little boy. He doesn’t know what will make it snap for her, and he doesn’t want to do it at the wrong time.

Taking her hand in his own again, Cadewyn calls her attention back. “C’mon, muffin, we have more places to go before I leave.” Ember exits the amphitheater easily enough, though she does glance back longingly once or twice. “We can come back another time.” Cade promises, hoping that he’ll be able to keep that promise.

The two of them stop at a side store, Cadewyn purchasing each of them a sandwich. They walk along the Rainbow, eating their lunch side by side. Their hands brush just slightly but their fingers are no longer entwined. Cade continues to glance sideways at her - only sometimes meeting her own gaze before both of them look ahead again. Ember gushes about the symphony, informing Cade about how she would love to one day compose her own.

He recognizes people as they walk, nodding to some but mostly keeping his attention on his mate. With only a couple more hours with her, Cadewyn is desperate to sort out his feelings. Taking her to the store is just one step along the way.

They are met with a cool blast of air as Cade unlocks the door for Ember to enter. He sees her gaze linger on the display case in the front where some of his mother’s paintings sit. They both deposit their napkins from lunch in the waste basket and venture deeper inside the studio. “What is this place?” Ember wonders. Her fingers drift across the surface of various pottery pieces. When her gaze finds one of Cade’s own paintings, she looks to him with a question in her eyes. “This is yours?”

Cade is surprised that she recognized his style. He nods. “Yeah, my mother and I own this studio. We sell our artwork and teach others how to paint and do pottery.” When the princess’ eyes find the room empty, Cade adds, “We’re closed today because of Aunt Nesta’s birthday but I thought that maybe because I invaded your space with the journals you would like to return the favor.”

Ember’s responding small smirk makes Cade’s heart skip a beat. Her eyes continue to silently observe the artwork, as if she is looking for something. “I don’t see any turquoise... or gold...”

Cade rubs the back of his neck awkwardly. “You figured that out, huh?”

“Seems like we both have interesting dreams.” The princess crosses her arms, waiting for her unspoken question to be answered.

He sighs. “I don’t usually show many people those paintings. I’ve had those dreams since I was five. Keeping them a secret keeps them precious - keeps them mine.” Cade can’t bring himself to meet Ember’s eyes, fearing what he might see there. He’s sure he must sound like a fool.

Keeping his gaze on the floor, Cade doesn’t notice his mate until she’s right in front of him, her hand rising to cup his cheek. She gently coaxes his head up, her eyes searching his own, memorizing them, as he does hers.

“Gusty is the only one that knows about my journals, and the dreams,” She murmurs in the silence of the shop. “Your eyes have starred in my dreams for years, and I am embarrassed to admit how long it took me to figure out why they were so important.” Her gaze examines his face, briefly stopping on his lips and persuading him to look at her own. Stopping himself from leaning in is harder than he could’ve imagined.

His fingers grasp her hips, lightly tracing her curves. “I’m afraid that I forgot somewhere along the way.” He whispers.

“We’ll figure it out together.” Her thumb strokes his jaw, the barest touch as her fingers still splay across his cheek bones. His mate. Cade is still having a hard time fully realizing that this truly is the female that the Cauldron has chosen for him. This beautiful, powerful female. “Now, why don’t you show me how to do art.” A beautiful, powerful female who just ruined the moment. Her hands leave his face - making his cheeks feel exposed and raw.

Cadewyn shakes off the feeling, placing a smirk on his face and rolling up his sleeves. “Okay, princess, I’ll teach you how to ‘do art’.”

...

Thirty minutes later and Ember and Cade are splattered with clay. Not from any fault of Cade’s teachings, they just got a little distracted. Whether from sheer lack of talent or subconscious need for his hands on hers once more, Ember fails repeatedly at trying to form a vase from the hunk of gray mush Cade had handed her. This malfunction led to Cade’s hands resting over hers, guiding her fingers into forming the shape correctly.

Of course, such closeness with her mate leaves Ember’s mind in shambles, completely unable to concentrate and - it seems - the same goes for Cadewyn. At some point, both of them are forced to admit that nothing is going to get done. Ember’s thoughts are running crazy with the feeling of his chest against her back, his hair tickling her cheek. She ends up spinning the wheel too much and the over-watered clay goes flying in all directions. Ember takes the brunt of it.

Her and Cade are howling with laughter as she tries to pick the substance out of her hair. “What are we gonna do?” She groans, glancing down at her ruined outfit now caked with slimy gray clay.

Cadewyn stifles his laughter long enough to motion her towards the entrance. “I’ll take you back to the townhouse, we can both change there.”

Ember is about to bury her face in her hands when she remembers that they, too, are covered in clay. “But Nesta’s party is going on there.” She reminds.

Cade shrugs, opening the door. “Then we’ll just have to be extra quiet.” As soon as they are back on the streets, Cade scoops her up, making Ember squeal. Her hands once again fly to the nape of his neck. She decides to get back at him for laughing, dragging her fingers through the strands on the back of his head, streaking them with clay. It does not achieve the desired response. Cade’s head tilts back, coaxing her fingers deeper into her dark locks. Then suddenly, Cade remembers himself. “Hey, stop that.” He scolds.

Ember shows him a coy smile. “I couldn’t resist.”

“You little minx,” He says, but he’s smiling back. Ducking through the open window into her - his? - room, Cade swiftly sets her down. He runs his hand through his hair, scowling as they catch where the clay has stuck the strands together. Ember places a finger on her lips, reminding him that they have to be quiet now or risk attracting his family’s attention. Cade rolls his eyes, but whispers anyway,  “Go wash up -”

Distracted, Cadewyn had forgotten that his wings were out, and they now accidentally knocked into a vase of flowers. Ember and her mate watched as it tumbled to the ground, shattering in an array of water, petals, and shards of glass. Cade’s eyes met hers. “I bet they didn’t even notice.”

But then there was the sound of footsteps marching up the stairs and a certain High Lady calling, “Ember, are you okay?” Cadewyn’s eyes go wide, mirroring Ember’s. Quickly, he starts taking off his shirt.

“What in Hellas are you doing?” Ember hisses, trying not to get distracted by his toned torso - and failing.

He throws the clean shirt to her. “Put it on over your clothes, you’re filthy and she’ll notice.” He whispers back.

“Yeah, like she won’t notice that I’m wearing her son’s shirt.” Ember shoots back drily.

“Just do it!” Cade’s urgent but still hushed voice has her slipping on the tunic. He dives into the closet, silently shutting the door behind him just as the doorknob turns and Feyre appears on the other side. Ember has no time to enjoy the feeling of wearing her mate’s clothes right now, though she wishes she did.

“Is something wrong, Ember?” Feyre asks, her eyes roaming the room until they land on the princess. Confusion flashes across her face at her attire. “We heard a crash....” Luckily, the vase is hidden by the bed, and Feyre is unable to see it from the doorway.

“I just accidentally fell off the bed,” It’s a weak excuse, but the best one she can come up with on short notice. “I’m fine though, it was just an accident.”

The High Lady doesn’t look completely convinced. “....okay, why are you wearing Cade’s shirt?”

Ember can feel her cheeks heat. “It smells like him,” she blurts, then cringes because that is definitely not what she should have said. “I mean -”

“I know what you mean,” Feyre interrupts, a sparkle in her eye that Ember doesn’t fully understand. “Are you sure you don’t want to come down and join the party? You may have to change, though.” The smile in her voice makes Ember certain that she knows who is hiding in the closet. Her eyes however, do not betray such knowledge and Ember refuses to give it away by averting her gaze.

Her fingers find the hem of the tunic, nervously twisting it. “No, thank you,” She responds, her voice perhaps an octave higher than it normally would be. “I’m sure Nesta would be more content spending her big day with her family. I have my books.” She forces a convincing smile on her face.

“Well okay, dear,” Feyre says, beginning to gently close the door. “Don’t hesitate to come on down if you need anything.”

“Thank you,” Ember calls just as the door clicks shut. A huge sigh of relief floods out of the princess’ lips. She is about to turn around and open the closet door when she feels a presence right behind her. Without thinking, Ember turns and kicks the person in the stomach, making them stumble back many steps before finally landing on their ass. It takes her a split second to realize her mistake. “Oh, no! Cade are you okay?” She hurries to kneel beside him.

Her mate lifts a finger and presses it to her lips, reminding her that they still have to be quiet. He’s clutching his stomach and his eyes are squeezed shut but Ember’s pretty sure it’s not from the pain. He’s trying not to laugh.

No longer feeling guilty for kicking him, Ember angrily stands up with a huff. “You’re an ass.” She hisses, shucking off his shirt with only a little reluctance. She doesn’t have the decency at the moment to throw it at him, though, instead tossing it onto the bed so that she can continue to admire his shirtless body. Ember is convinced that she is losing her mind.

Letting out a short chuckle, Cadewyn stands as well. “I rather like that nickname, I hope it sticks,” he comments. Ember scowls and Cade can’t help but chuckle again. “It smells like me, huh?” He asks, not even trying to contain his smirk.

“You did that on purpose,” she accuses. “Feyre probably wouldn’t have even notice the clay.”

Cadewyn shrugs. “Maybe, maybe not. You’ve got a wicked roundhouse by the way.” He groans a little bit and Ember can’t help but feel guilty that she hurt him. “I should take you to the Illyrian camps. Show them what a female can do when she’s properly trained.”

That catches her attention. “You would do that? You’d let me fight?” All of the suitors that had come over the years, begging for the hand of the Crown Princess of Terrasen, had been doubtful, sometimes scared of her powers and abilities. They would never let her fight anyone. Her own parents barely ever let her go out in the field.

“Of course,” Cade answers, his expression softening. “I have full confidence in your abilities. Especially after what Gusty told me of your skill.” He seems to think for a moment. “In fact, go get changed into your leathers. We’re going to take a trip.”

...

Ember was a natural in the ring. Cade had flown her to the Illyrian war camp he had trained at during his adolescence. Gender equality was still an issue in half of them, and Cadewyn knew that they would be doubtful that a Crown Princess would even survive against a warrior. But they were wrong.

The general in the camp had sent one of his best soldiers in there with her, by Cade’s request, and although it had made him anxious the entire time she was fighting, Cade knew he had to trust her. Her parents had taught her well and Cade even recognized some of the moves she used from his time with her uncles. The warrior was no match for her agility and experience. It was when she had pinned the bastard, breathing hard and covered in mud, the entire crowd of Illyrians around them silent in awe, that she finally met his eyes. And Cade was in love.

He knew in that moment that the Cauldron had made the right choice for him. She hadn’t even used her fire and his mate had forced a full grown, pure blooded Illyrian to his knees. This was his queen. There was no denying it now.

Standing on the cliff of the mountain, Velaris stretching before them, Cade opens his arms for her so that they may fly back. “You’re filthy again.” He says, examining the caked mud on her leathers. “Y’know, my father has a trick that cleans an entire body with just a snap of his fingers. I don’t know it yet but if we’re going to be hanging out more I think I should learn it.”

“We’re going to be hanging out more, sugar?” She wonders with a raised eyebrow and a slight smirk. She has not yet excepted his offer of flight, so Cade let’s his arms drop.

He smiles. “I would like that a lot, sunshine.”

Her expression becomes more sincere. “Yeah, I would like that too.” She faces forward and Cade isn’t sure what she’s about to do, but then she’s falling. Face first she’s just plummeting off the cliff. Cade exclaims, hurriedly diving after her, beating his wings fiercely to try and catch his mate. And then with a flash of light, she’s gone, and in her place is a beautiful golden phoenix.

Cade watches in awe as it soars into the sky, embers sparking off of it’s tail. He pulls out of his dive, following her as she swoops and careens around the cliffside before flying back to him. She flaps her wings to stay aloft as Cade stares at her.

“You’re beautiful.” He murmurs. Her wings stretch out to almost four feet, their tips alight with orange flame. She is absolutely majestic and powerful. The phoenix cocks it’s head to one side in question. “Race you to the townhouse?” Cadewyn asks, but she is already flying, the forces of the wind itself pushing her forward at an unnatural speed. Cade shakes his head and whispers, “My mate.”

They race back to Velaris, swerving around each other in their mad flight. Ember ends up beating him, the wind on her side, but Cade careens through the window only a few seconds after she does. He lands, laughing hysterically, to see that she has already shifted back. Ember is not facing him though.

He notices her stiff spine first, following her gaze to see his entire family standing just inside the door to his bedroom. Their eyes are wide and many of their arms are crossed. Brexton stands guiltily to the side, and Gusty is standing in front of Mor, who has a firm hand planted on the young girl’s shoulder. Feyre and Rhys’ eyes remain unsurprised and angry.

The High Lord is the first one to speak. “Explain.”

Masterlist