#just so much shit hit the fan and i was still getting my bearings when more splattered everywhere

[genderkoolaid]

The transandrophobia brainrot has hit tiktok hard. There's a sound going around right now that uses the T slur in a reclamatory way, but whenever a transmasc person uses the sound people lose their minds saying it's transmisogynistic for them to use that word. But when cis male drag queens use the audio it's a slay.

My answer to those people is Get Kate Bornstein'd:

Tranny. Many people don’t know the history of the word, they assume it was an assigned hate term or slur along the lines of the “n” word. That’s not how it happened. Tranny was invented by us in Sydney, Australia in the 1970s where drag was a big deal, and still the best drag shows ever are in Sydney, Australia – they’re amazing. So a lot of trans-identified women who were assigned male at birth did drag, that’s how you made your living. And so they were transsexuals, transvestites, drag queens, and they were all doing drag to make money. They all bickered amongst each other who is better than who, “Well the drag queens are better,” “No, the transsexuals are better.” “You are all freaks, we’re better.” And on and on and on. But they worked together and they were family together, so they came up with a word that would say family and that was tranny. In Australia they do the diminutive, that’s how they come up with words. So tranny. I learned the word in the mid-1980s, late 1980s from my drag mom in San Francisco, Doris Fish, who was the city’s preeminent drag queen and she’d come from Sydney. And she schooled me in this word tranny, she said, “This way it means we’re family, darling.” “Thank you mama.” [...] So we used it and we were trannies together. And F to M was just beginning to start, the trans men were just beginning to become visible, Lou Sullivan was a neighbor of mine around the corner, and he was the first big out trans man, wrote his book. So trans men and cross dressers . . . cross dressers were also family. Transsexuals, we were all trannies and that felt good. That got into the sex industry and became a genre – there was tranny porn, there were tranny sex workers – chicks with dicks, she-males. [...] And, my only guess is that people who . . . because the only way they would have found out about the word is if they were watching tranny porn or having been with a tranny sex worker and then hated themselves so much that they turned it into a curse word. So it’s not really technically correct to say we’re reclaiming a word – it was always ours. So, many people mistake the word for the hatred behind the word and, in my generation, and I’m sure in future generations of trans people, tranny is going to be a radicalized, sexualized identity of trans in the same way that faggot is a prideful identity in the gay male community – not all gay men are faggots, but those who are are proudly fags and those who are dykes are proudly dykes within the lesbian community, trannies are proudly tranny within the transgender community. Does that mean we can’t call ourselves that because some trans woman does not want to be called a tranny? No. I’m going to keep calling myself a tranny. To the trans woman who gets called tranny, I’m sorry – as soon as . . . you’ve got to look at why you’re getting called tranny and if you don’t pass, you’re going to be read as a transgender person and then you fall back on the cultural view of trans folk which is freak, disgusting, not worth living, we can hurt you. It has nothing to do with the word, it has everything to do with the cultural attitude. So the word has stirred up a shit storm, but it’s not the word.

^ From this interview

Four weeks ago, Bear posted a call for submissions on his blog. In the interests of keeping the call as open as possible, we agreed to include as many trans-identities as we knew, so we used the word "tranny." And that's where the activist shit hit the postmodern fan base. People have been pissed. Here's their argument: FTMs are co-opting a word that belongs to MTFs. The word "tranny" belongs to MTFs, reason those who were hurt by our use of the word, because it was a denigrating term reclaimed by MTFs—ergo, only MTFs could be known as trannies. I spoke with Bear, and we agree that’s wrong on several counts:

Tranny began as a uniting term amongst ourselves. Of course it’s going to be picked up and used as a denigrating term by mean people in the world. But even if we manage to get them to stop saying tranny like a thrown rock, mean people will come up with another word to wound us with. So, let’s get back to using tranny as a uniting term amongst ourselves. That would make Doris Fish very happy.

It's our first own language word for ourselves that has no medical-legacy. 

Even if (like gay) hate-filled people try to make tranny into a bad word, our most positive response is to own the word (a word invented by the queerest of the queer of their day). We have the opportunity to re-create tranny as a positive in the world.

Saying that FTMs can’t call themselves trannies eerily echoes the 1980s lesbians who said I couldn’t use the word woman to identify myself, and the 1990s lesbians who said I couldn’t use the word dyke. 

At one phase in the evolution of transpeople-as-tribe, it was the male-to-females who were visible and representative of trans to the rest of the world. They were the trannies. Today? Ironically true to the binary we’re in the process of shattering, the pendulum has swung so that it's now female-to-males who are the archetypal trannies of the day. The generation coming up beyond the next generation, i.e. my tribal grandchildren are the young boys who transition to young girls at the age of five or six. They’re the next trannies. None of us can own the word. We can only be grateful that our tribe is so much larger than we had thought it would be. How to come together—now that’s the job of the next generation of gender outlaws.

^ From Who You Calling A Tranny?

We've been having this debate forever and its been stupid forever.

And its an increasingly outdated debate. More people know about trans men&mascs than ever and there are plenty of TM&Ms who have been called tranny by transphobes who don't give a shit about this distinction. And not just people who have been mistaken for transfems, either, but men like Andrew Jonathan Blake-Newton and Saye Skye who were attacked by people who knew them. Do they have more or less of a right to say tranny than a trans girl whose never been called it by a transphobe? (Neither. Because no one owns this word.)

[nvrsaidiwasinurcloset]

okay hi just a warning rq my autocorrect is off bc it autocorrected my friend’s name to fuckin malayalam on accident. i dont like autocorrect.

ANYWAY! ive been listening to my lovely olivia rodrigo lately, specifically her new song obsessed. i wanted to know if you could make a fic with Ethan x fem! reader where readers bitchy friend has this ex (Ethan) and she made him out to be a real dick. like, manipulating and everything.

reader eventually meets him and it turns out that she remembers… a lot about him considering her friend is a constant yapper and cant shut up about him. Ethan actually turns out to be a real cutie patootie and could literally never hurt anyone.

a few days later theyd meet again at some club or party maybe where they end up hitting it off… a little too well.. yeah so she ends up in his bed (smut part, very dom ethan plspls 😛😛). they could be talking about something really random and then reader brings up how her friend basically completely lied about him and said he was a piece of shit when he really wasnt. like a realllll fluffy end before a small cliffhanger thats never gonna get finished where her friend ends up finding out and texting her.

so sorry if thats too long or confusing idk but i actually love your work so much im lowkey your #1 fan. 😍😍😍

HELLO! I switched this up a little, I hope that's okay! 💕

Also, I fucking loved the 'leave it on a cliffhanger part that won't get finished' because WHY IS THAT WHAT I DO lmao

Obsessed - Ethan Landry x Fem!Reader - Part 1

This contains SMUT - Minors DNI

Part 2

Summary: Your friend told you horrible lies about her ex-boyfriend, and once you get to know him, you realize he's not the monster she made him out to be.

Contains: Mentions of a toxic relationship, Dom-ish cocky Ethan, rough-ish sex, oral - f receiving, p in v, fluff (If I missed anything, PLEASE let me know. I'm sleep deprived atm)

A/N: This was the one that pulled me out of my writers block, lmao. It's still not where I want it to be, but I'm TRYING. I'll try to post more this week, but I will be busy so bear with me haha.

You didn’t know Ethan Landry, but you knew you didn’t like him. He used to date one of your friends, and after hearing all the horrible things he’d said and done during their relationship, you thought he was really scummy.

They dated in high school and couldn’t get enough of each other, so they wanted to go to the same college. They broke up right before freshman year started, and after almost a year, she still talked about him every chance she got. She’d tell you how controlling he was. The things he’d call her when he was mad. How he cheated on her. You couldn’t believe that she stayed in the relationship for as long as she did, because she never had anything good to say, except that she loved him.

You’d seen pictures of him, and after walking into one of your classes at the start of the new semester, you saw him in person for the first time. He was so shy as he took his seat in the lecture hall, some of the girls making their little comments about the rumors they’d heard about him. He didn’t seem like the type that would do the things your friend said, but maybe he was just really good at playing innocent. All you knew was that you needed to keep your distance from him.

When you met up with your friend later that day for lunch, you didn’t know if you wanted to bring up Ethan being in the same class as you, but once she brought him up, you decided to tell her.

“Speaking of Ethan…I saw him today,” you said, before taking a bite of your food. Her face dropped as she looked at you.

“Where did you see him?” she questioned. You explained that you saw him in one of your new classes, and she rolled her eyes. “Can you believe he still tries to text me?”

“What I can’t believe is that you haven’t blocked him,” you said, “I know I’d hate to see someone that treated me like shit’s name pop up on my phone.”

She started to giggle as you curiously stared at her. “I have him saved in my phone as ‘Tall loser with a small dick’, so I laugh every time he does text me.”

“That’s not toxic at all,” you said, as you started to think about what she’d said. “Wait, he treated you as bad as he did and has a small dick? What the fuck were you thinking?”

“All he had going for him was that he was cute,” she said, “But seriously, if I were you, I’d stay away from him.”

“Oh, please. Like I’d even want to be near him.”

Your morning wasn’t going as expected. You slept through all of your alarms; you didn’t have time to stop for coffee. You didn’t think your day could get any worse, until you walked into class and noticed the only empty seat available was beside Ethan. You took a deep breath before you walked over and sat down. Once you reached into your backpack, you realized that your laptop wasn’t there. You were in such a hurry when you ran out of your dorm and didn’t even think to grab it.

“Shit,” you whispered, “I’m so stupid.”

“Here,” Ethan said, passing you a notebook and a pen. You curiously looked at him as he offered a weak smile. “I always keep an extra notebook, just in case.”

“Thanks,” you said, a half-smile playing on your lips.

Once class started, you were taking your notes, but you kept glancing over to Ethan. He was so focused on typing that he didn’t notice, but you couldn’t help but wonder if everything your friend told you was true. At that moment, he didn’t seem like a jerk. Then again, he had only spoken a handful of words to you.

Ethan was aware of all the things that were said about him. He hoped that after a few weeks it all would’ve blown over, but once you have an angry ex-girlfriend paint you as some horrible, emotionally abusive asshole, it’s hard to come back from that. He knew that it was best for him to just keep his head down until he was able to transfer to a different school, where no one knew who he was. He was miserable at Blackmore, and he really had no reason to stick around, aside from the few friends he’d made.

After class was over, you tore the pages of notes you’d taken from the notebook to give it back to Ethan.

“Thanks again,” you said, as you handed it back to him.

“You’re welcome,” he said, shoving it back in his backpack. “I thought about just emailing you my notes, but I didn’t know if you’d want that.”

“You’re telling me I didn’t have to spend the last hour trying to write that fast?” you asked, as he flashed you a sweet, genuine smile. “Why wouldn’t someone want that?”

“I don’t know, maybe it’s because most people here hate me,” he said, sliding the straps of his backpack over his shoulders. “You’ve probably heard things about me.”

“Yeah…are they true?” you asked, as he shook his head.

“You’re the first person that’s asked me that. Everyone else just assumes everything is true,” he sighed, “But no, I’m not a bad person.”

You started to feel so guilty. You’d said plenty of bad things about him, but you only heard one side of the story. With your friends’ story changing so many times, getting more dramatic each time she told it, you were starting to realize that it was all bullshit. You still didn’t know exactly what happened, but you were curious to know what the truth was.

“You okay?” Ethan asked, noticing that you were lost in thought as you stood in front of him.

“I’m friends with your ex,” you said, as his smile slowly fell. “What’s the real story?”

He sat back down in his seat as the other students piled out of the room. You sat beside him as you waited for him to speak.

“I really loved her…but she was just so controlling. Then she cheated on me when she went to the beach with her family. I didn’t find out about that until right before we started college,” he said, looking over to you. “She was pissed that I broke up with her, then all these horrible things about me started going around.”

“That’s fucked up,” you said, as he nodded.

“Yeah, she’s still been trying to text me. I finally blocked her a few days ago.”

“Wait, she said you’ve been trying to text her,” you said, his eyes growing wide at your words.

“Her number’s been deleted from my phone for months. I have no interest in talking to her,” he said, “I know this must be weird for you since you are her friend, but I think it’s cool that you wanted to hear me out.”

“Well, I feel like I need to apologize…I’ve said some things about you that weren’t true.”

“She’s a good liar. She has almost the entire school hating me so it doesn’t surprise me that her friend does, too,” he said, as he stood back up.

“I don’t hate you,” you said, smiling at him. “I don’t know if you’d want to, and I know she’d kill me, but if you ever want to hang out sometime, let me know.”

“I’d like that.”

Ethan was kicking himself for not asking you for your number, or shit, even your social media so he could DM you. He thought you were beautiful, but he knew that hoping for a chance with you would be a reach. He really just needed more people in his life that believed him to make the time he still had at the university more enjoyable.

Your friend begged you to come to a random frat party that you didn’t feel like going to in the first place. After your talk with Ethan, you weren’t even sure you wanted to be around her. You still went, and after searching for her for almost an hour, you checked your phone to see a message from her that she wasn’t coming, and that she ran into one of the guys she’d been hooking up with on the way to the party.

“Why the fuck am I even here?” you said to yourself as you locked your phone and slid it into the back pocket of your jeans.

“Hopefully to hang out with me, if your offer’s still good,” you heard from behind you, recognizing Ethan’s voice.

“Hey,” you said as you turned to face him. “I didn’t expect to see the most hated man on campus here.”

“My roommate told me that if I stayed in my dorm tonight, he’d throw my Xbox out the window,” he said, glancing over to the muscular guy that was watching Ethan talk to you.

“Ah, so you were threatened into being social,” you said, as he started to laugh.

“I guess you could say that. Do you want a drink?”

“Sure.”

Ethan wasn’t much of a drinker; you could tell by the sour look on his face every time he took a sip. It gave him a little confidence though, as the two of you talked and got to know each other a little better.

“I don’t think I can drink this anymore,” he said, sitting the cup down on a table. You sat yours down too, and as soon as you did, someone bumped into you, shoving you into Ethan.

“Shit, I’m sorry,” you said, looking up at him. Your chest was pressed closely against his, his hands on your hips from catching you.

“Don’t be sorry,” he said, “You can stay this close to me all night, if you want.”

“Are you always this smooth? Or is it the alcohol?” you questioned as he smirked at you.

“I’m only buzzed,” he said, before he leaned down, placing his lips on yours.

Chad was still watching Ethan from afar, cheering and thrusting his fist in the air once he saw Ethan kiss you. He started to laugh against your lips before he pulled away to stare daggers through his roommate for interrupting the moment.

“I can’t take him anywhere,” Ethan said, as you smiled at him.

“We could go somewhere more private,” you suggested, as he took your hand in his.

“Want to go back to my dorm? He’ll be here for a while so I know we can talk without being interrupted.”

“Sure!”

Once you made it back to Ethan’s dorm, you were starting to think that he really did just want to talk. You enjoyed listening to him, though. He was telling you about all his hobbies and interests, and you were telling him yours. You started to glance around his side of the dorm room, noticing the cliché, dorky things you’d expect to see.

“Nice Star Wars poster, nerd,” you joked, as he smirked at you.

“Oh, I’m a nerd?” he said, as he nudged you back on his bed. He was hovering over you, his mouth inches from yours. The sexual tension got so thick as his eyes looked into yours, his hand rubbing your hip.

“Mhm,” you said, the corner of your bottom lip in between your teeth. “A hot nerd.”

He felt his cheeks start to heat up, and he really didn’t want you to notice, so he leaned down to finally connect his lips to yours. It didn’t take long for the kiss to get more intense, his tongue brushing across your bottom lip. You let him deepen the kiss, his tongue moving with yours as his hands started to roam. You whimpered into the kiss once his hand squeezed your thigh, your hips started to squirm underneath him.

He pulled away but still stayed close so the two of you could catch your breath. You were reading each other’s faces, and it was obvious that you both wanted more.

“How far do you want this to go?” he asked, his breathing still heavy as his eyes looked into yours.

“As far as you want,” you said, your sweet tone making him groan.

“That’s not what I asked you,” he said, as he leaned back down to kiss your neck. His curls were tickling you, but the only reaction you had were the soft moans slipping past your lips from how well his mouth moved. His hips were rutting into yours, showing you how hard he was for you.

“I want you to fuck me,” you said, as he pulled away to look at you.

“You sure?”

“Mhm.”

Ethan was a little, well, very eager. He got you undressed in what felt like seconds, leaving you in just your panties. Once he stripped down to just his boxers, you got a little curious. You glanced down to see his hard cock straining against the fabric, and started to laugh to yourself, your gaze going to the ceiling.

“What’s funny?” he asked, as he hovered back over you to take one of your nipples in his mouth. Your laughing stopped, a gasp slipping out when he started to suck. “I asked you a question,” he teased, before moving to the other side.

“She really does lie about everything,” you said, as his tongue swirled. “She said you had a small dick.”

He started to laugh against you, before he pulled back. “That’s funny, because she couldn’t take it.”

“I can,” you said, his smile turning to a smirk as his hand trailed down your body to rub you over your panties.

“We’ll see about that,” he said, as he moved lower down the bed to position himself between your thighs.

He slid your panties down your legs, before running his fingers over your wet pussy. Your eyes stayed on him, your bottom lip in between your teeth as he teased you. Your anticipation just kept building as he moved down the bed, positioning himself in between your thighs. He leaned in, slipping his tongue inside your entrance.

He was sloppily eating you out, his head moving from side to side. His arms hooked under your thighs to pull you as close to his face as he could as your hands went to his hair.

“So good,” you whimpered, your breathing getting faster as he worked you closer to your orgasm.

He slid his tongue out of you to focus on your clit, quickly replacing it with two of his fingers. Your back was arching off the bed as he moved his arm back and forth, applying as much pressure as he could to that spongy spot inside you as he sucked on your swollen bundle of nerves.

“You’re gonna make me cum,” you babbled, as he started to chuckle with your clit in his mouth.

That was all it took for your legs to start shaking and your grip on his hair getting even tighter. Once your pussy started to clench around him, he slowed his fingers to a slow roll, not wanting to overstimulate you. His tongue gently licked your clit as he worked you through it, your whimpers getting softer as you came down from your high.

“That was the best orgasm I’ve ever had,” you admitted through your shaky breathing. Ethan started to laugh a little as you looked at him, your eyes hazy. “What?”

“Just wait until I’m inside you,” he cockily said, “You still confident that you can handle it?”

“I know I can,” you said, your legs instinctively spreading wide for him as his fingertips ran up your thigh.

“What are you going to do when no one else can make you feel as good as I do?” he questioned, as one of his fingers started to rub circles on your clit.

“I guess I’d have to keep you around then,” you said, as he shook his head.

“You’d only have me until summer starts,” he said, his finger moving faster. “I’m transferring to a different school after this year.”

“No, you’re not..fuck. I’ll convince you to stay,” you said, relaxing into the bed as he teased you.

Ethan pulled his hand away from your pussy before he slid his boxers off. He crawled back on top of you and reached over to his bedside table to grab a condom.

“I might let you convince me,” he said, as he lined up with your entrance. You tensed up a little because you knew how big he was. “Relax, baby.”

You did as he said, taking a deep breath as he inched his way inside of you. You were moaning as he stretched you out, and when you thought he was all the way in, he just kept going.

“Oh fuck,” you whimpered, feeling so full as he finally came to a stop, wanting to give you plenty of time to adjust. “Told you..Fuck, I told you I could take it,” you said, already struggling to speak.

“Don’t get cocky,” he said, your mouth falling open as he started to move. “I’m going to ruin this pussy.”

“Ruin it,” you said, challenging him as your lusty, hooded eyes connected with his.

It took everything in Ethan to not immediately start pounding into you, but he didn’t want to hurt you. He started slow, your eyebrows already furrowing together, low moans slipping past your lips. The head of his cock hit that special spot every single time, but you needed more. He sped up a little as your legs wrapped around him, your hands gripped tightly around his biceps.

“Maybe you can take it,” he said, his breathing getting heavier. “Can I go faster?”

“Yes,” you whimpered, as his hips moved quicker.

Your brain was starting to turn to mush, the babbles slipping past your lips making absolutely no sense. The only thing your mind could process in that moment was how good Ethan was making you feel. He thought you were adorable, already so cock drunk, and he wasn’t even close to being done with you yet. He kept his pace, but occasionally thrust a little harder to see if you could take it, the loud moans slipping past your lips as your nails started to dig into his arms letting him know that you could.

He angled your hips to go even deeper. His pace was a little slow as he made sure you were okay. Your eyes were pleading with him to go faster, because you knew the words weren’t going to come out of your mouth. It was getting so hard for him to hold back, so he finally let go. He started to pound into you so hard that your skin was tingling, all the nerves in your body on edge. Your toes were curling as he slammed into your g-spot, your whimpers turning to cries as you felt your orgasm starting to build. It was hard for you to keep your eyes open, and you were sure Ethan was going to have your nail marks on his arms forever with how hard you were squeezing him.

“Fuck,” was the only word you were able to get out, your legs wrapping tightly around him as your body started to involuntarily jolt. Ethan was sure that everyone in the surrounding dorm rooms knew what was happening, because you were being so loud. He wasn’t letting up though. He loved that he was making you feel that good.

It only took a few more deep thrusts before your entire body started to tremble, loud whines flooding out of your mouth as the wave of euphoria washed over you. He chased his own orgasm as he fucked you through it, your pussy clenching him so tight that he was moaning himself.

“I’m almost there, baby,” he said, a slight rasp in his voice from all the panting he’d been doing.

You went limp, your grip on his arms and your legs around his waist relaxing as his hips started to falter, a loud groan slipping past his lips as he released into the condom.

He took a minute to catch his breath before he slid out of you. His abs were burning and his arms were sore from your nails, but he quickly got up to take the condom off so he could take care of you.

He crawled in the bed next to you as you adjusted to lay your head on his chest, still so fucked out that it was hard to process your thoughts. Ethan just held you close, his hands softly rubbing over your bare back as you relaxed into his touches.

“You’re okay, right?” he asked, after a few minutes of you not saying anything. You lazily nodded as your hand moved to rub across his chest.

You laid there in silence as you started to think about what’d just happened. You knew your friend was going to be pissed if she ever found out, but did that even matter? She made almost the entire university hate Ethan for things he never did, and it made you sad that he felt like he needed to switch to a different school so he wouldn’t have to deal with it anymore.

“So…” you finally said, “How can I convince you to stay?”

He let out a nervous laugh, not knowing the best way to respond. “I can’t take people talking about me the way they do anymore.”

“Even if I convince everyone that it was all lies?” you questioned, your tone playful as you angled your head to look at him. “I think it’d be awful for you to leave because of her. You could miss out on someone that would treat you right.”

“Someone like you?” he questioned as he looked down at you. You nodded, before he leaned down to kiss you. “You’re good at this whole convincing thing.”

“Does that mean you’ll stay?” you asked, smiling as you sat up to look at him.

“Yeah, as long as you don’t break my heart,” he said, wrapping his arms around you to pull you back down to his chest.

“I won’t.”

You stayed in Ethan’s bed for a couple hours, making plans for all the dates he wanted to take you on. It felt like you’d known him for way longer than just a few days, the two of you having an instant connection. You hated to pull away from him, but you knew you needed to get dressed before his roommate got home.

“It’s late, can I walk you back to your dorm?” he asked, as he started to put his clothes back on.

“I can’t believe I thought you were this horrible monster. You’re so sweet,” you said, as he smiled at you. “Yeah, you can walk me home.”

Ethan walked you to the front door of your building, pulling you into a gentle kiss before he pulled away.

“I’ll text you,” he said, as he started to back away.

“Yeah, let me know when you make it back to your dorm, please,” you said, as he nodded.

When you made it upstairs and got settled into your bed, you heard your phone vibrate as it charged on your bedside table. You grabbed it and saw a goodnight message from Ethan, a huge smile on your face as you responded to him. You were so exhausted from the time you’d spend with him, and you soon felt yourself start to doze off. You heard your phone buzz again, your eyes lazily opening to see if it was Ethan. You took a deep breath once you read the message that was sent to you.

‘Why the fuck were you kissing Ethan at that party?’

[lovecla]

IF YOU LOVE ME, LET ME KNOW | jack hughes.

chapter four:

<last chapter> <next chapter>

➴ warnings: angst, jealousy, insecurities

➴ word count: 3.9k

➴ author’s note: this is a mess, soph and jack are a mess, quinn’s a sweetheart, grace’s funny af and i’ve reached 100 followers today. can’t even describe how happy i am with the attention IYLM,LMK is getting. i adore u all so much and i hope u stick with me for a while. prepare your seatbelts because shit is about to hit the fan. :,)

SOMETHING changed between you and Jack that day at the Skims set, a week ago.

You finally realized that you are, very much, in love with Jack Hughes. Which was something that you never, in a million years, would’ve guessed. Because, what; you told yourself you’d never get your heart shattered again, yet here you were, walking straight (and worse: willingly) into a trap, falling in love with the man whore of the Devils team.

Despite all of the mean things your mind wanted to tell you, you just forced yourself to remember that not every man is like your cheater ex boyfriend and that not every man would completely crush your heart and tear it apart.

And even though you wouldn't put your hand on the fire and say that he felt the same way as you, if he didn’t, that man was good at pretending. Because no way in hell he’d take all of his fuck buddies to their family lake cabin to throw a Halloween party.

“This is crazy, Jack, you are in the middle of the season, and I’m in the middle of releasing something…” you started, watching as the car took a turn. “Also, how the fuck did you manage to organise a party in, like, thirty minutes?”

“Uh. I’m literally a NHL player. What did you expect?” He scoffed, so full of himself it was almost impossible to stand. You rolled your eyes. “And it’s just a night. I’m not screwing everything up for having fun for one night only, baby, and neither is you.”

“I guess you’re right.” You mumbled, answering some texts messages on your phone.

“I’m always right.” You rolled your eyes again, watching as he drove with ease. “What are you wearing tonight?”

“My fans have been dying for me to dress up as Rapunzel, so I might as well please them.” You shrugged, locking your phone and putting it on your pocket.

“I don’t know about them but I am definitely pleased with the idea.” He smirked.

“You’re just horny, Hughes. Happens to the best of us.”

“Or you’re just pretty. Happens to some of us.”

You laughed, cheeks warm and heart beating fast. “You’re a flirt, Jack Hughes. I missed that. Is it always this crazy during the season?”

“Like you can’t even imagine. My life is just games, working out, eating plain shit and practice for seven months straight.”

“And you love every second of it, don’t you?”

He smiled, white teeth making the view seem a whole lot brighter. “I do, yes. It’s like… the only thing that makes me feel truly alive.”

“Yeah, I know what it feels like,” you whispered. “I feel like that when I’m on the stage too. It’s just… I don’t know. Makes me feel good.”

“I like seeing you on stage,” he nodded and you raised your brow. “What? I do, really. That concert I went to with Nico was fun. Besides, watching you dance with those little dresses of yours is something else.”

“Boo, you’re just an idiot!” You laughed. “But thank you, Jackie bear.”

“Sophia, Jesus, do not call me that,” he whined, but the smile was still on his lips. “Gross.”

“Okay, Jackie bear, whatever you want, honeypot.”

“Sophia!”

— ♡

THE cabin was packed with people, and you were amazed with how fast people arrived, even with the short notice.

You were waiting for Grace to finish getting ready— she would be wearing a Tiana costume, matching your Rapunzel one— so you both could go downstairs and enjoy the party.

“Jack’s going to have a heart attack when he sees you with that little skirt,” Grace said, while applying lip gloss on her plump lips.

“Yeah, about that… I might need to talk to you about something.” You started, crossing your legs.

She stared at you through the mirror, raising her eyebrows. “Go on, Pinky Pie.”

“I thought we’d established that I’m Twilight and you’re my Mordecai?” You giggled, making Grace laugh too.

“I guess we can pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars…” she sighed. “Go on, then, baby. We don’t have all night.”

“So. I may or may have a thing for Jack. Actually, maybe more than just a thing. Think I’m in love, to be honest,” you waited to see her reaction, not expecting her to jump out of the vanity and start twirling around the room, making you laugh. “What are you doing?”

“Are you joking?” She looked at you like you’d grown a second head. “I just won two hundred bucks!”

Confusion took over your face. “What do you mean?”

“I told Nico that you’d be in love with Jack by the end of October and he said you’d be in love with him by the end of November, and since you confessed it now— perfect timing, by the way— I get my two hundred bucks!” She started dancing and jumping, like she wasn’t a nepo baby.

“Grace! What the hell, this is serious!” You raised your arms.

She sat back on the bed.

“Girl, no it isn’t. Just go to him and say: hey, buddy, here’s a secret not so secret: I’m in love with you.” She shrugged. “Just don’t sing the Airplanes song, please. That’s, like, our thing.”

“Grace, I— I can’t even— what the hell,” you wanted to run your hands through your hair, but you remembered that you were wearing extensions and a tiara. So you stick with biting your nails instead. “First of all, why the fuck would you and Nico bet on something like this? That doesn’t even make sense. Second, I can’t just go over there, call him and tell him I like him. That’s not how it works.”

“Well, Nico was the one who proposed the idea of betting so that’s on him!” She raised a finger. “And yes, that is literally how it works.”

“You’re forgetting that this is Jack Hughes. A guy who, apparently, can’t stay a week without a pussy and fucked every Jerseywoman who walked on God’s green earth.”

“Ew, don’t say that! You know my mom’s New Jersian…” she sighed, making a disgusted face. You smiled, apologetically. “Okay. I know that Jack’s past may not be the ideal background you want for your baby daddy but hear me out!”

“Baby daddy? What—”

“Jack hasn’t touched anyone else since you guys started… well. Fucking.” She blushes, like she wasn’t calling him your baby daddy not even a minute ago. “And he’s a great, great person. I’ve seen how he looks at you and if that man isn’t in love, then I’m white as a sheet of paper.”

“I don’t know,” you mumbled, feeling frustrated. “Harris also seemed like a great guy, and when we got together, everything changed. I don’t want to go through that ever again.”

“I know it hurt, and God knows I’d rather mop the entire ocean than to see you like that again,” she scooched closer, grabbed your hands and pressed her lips together, the REM Beauty lip gloss making her lips look magical. “But you have to give yourself that chance again. It’s been more than a year, and I’ve seen you and Jack together.”

“I know that, but—”

Grace clicked her tongue, a tsc reverberating on the bedroom walls.

“I’m telling you this as someone who isn’t inside that little head of yours,” she whispered, holding your hands tighter. “You and Jack together? Girl, that’s meant to be. That’s like Achilles and Patroclus, Romeo and Juliet, Hazel and Gus—”

“Girl, what the hell, can’t you find a couple who at least one of them is still alive?” You scoffed.

“Sorry, I just love depressing stories…” she apologized before starting talking again. “That’s not the point, anyway, Miss Girl and you know it! Fuck whatever your head is telling you, Soph: you deserve to be loved and you deserve to love.”

“I didn’t say I love h—” she put a hand over your mouth, interrupting you.

“You don’t have to. I know you, Soph, and the look you get on your face whenever you talk to him, or even better, talk about him, is enough for me,” she kissed your cheek, quickly wiping the lip gloss stain on your face. “And let me tell you a secret, honeybun, he has the same look on his face.”

You smiled, cheeks carmesim and heart full. Thanking Grace for saying all of this wasn’t enough, you needed to buy her a house on the beach with a very naked Nico Hischier inside of it. Maybe that’s what you were going to do.

If only you knew how to convince Nico to be naked at a beach house, you’d certainly—

Someone knocked on the door, and you both got up, surprisingly fast, remembering that you were not alone and that there was a whole party happening downstairs.

Opening the door, you faced Jack who looked way too hot with his own jersey. Of course he’d be wearing a Jack Hughes, NHL Player costume. Of fucking course.

“You were taking too long up here so I came to check on you but maybe we’ll be here for a bit longer.” He smirked, hands finding your corset-covered waist instantly.

“Hum—”

“Excuse me, Mr. I-can’t-keep-myself-in-my-pants, I’m still here.” Grace yelled behind you, and you watched as his entire face showed his annoyance.

“Yeah, I can see. Feel free to leave, though,” he rolled his eyes, holding your right hand and twirling you around. “You look so pretty, baby.”

Your entire face felt like a fireplace but you still smiled nonetheless. “Thank you.”

“You both are disgusting, excuse me,” Grace walked past the both of you, mumbling something about checking in with her husband.

“Let’s go.” He offered you his hands, which you promptly held.

Going downstairs, you were surprised with how full the house was. Like, there were at least fifty people there, which seemed insane for a cabin, no matter how large it was.

Jack dragged you around, saying “hi” to every person you walked by, true to his NHL playboy persona. To your amusement, some people also acknowledged you. Mostly some girls and a few guys. It was nice.

“Sophia!” You heard a shout and immediately knew who it was. Trevor Zegras, wearing a pirate costume, which was just an excuse for him to be shirtless, really. One of the most annoying people you’ve ever met. Truthfully. “Damn, I’d climb that tower for you.”

You rolled your eyes. “I’d push you down that shit, Zegras, fuck off.”

Jack laughed softly beside you, moving until you were both sitting on the couch. Quinn, Luke, Nico, Grace and Zegras were all there, talking with a few people you didn't know the name of.

“You can't say you don’t like me without trying me first.” Trevor suggested, looking directly at your face. You showed him your middle finger.

“No one wants to try you, Zegras, now fuck off,” Jack stated before sipping on the beer he stole from Luke, who was dressed as a cooking chef. Or at least that’s what it looked like.

“See, this is why Quinn’s my favorite Hughes,” he mumbled, smiling at Quinn. “Anyway, Soph knows where the heat’s at.” Pointing at himself, Zegras moved on to the girl on his right, who seemed awfully pleased to be his second option.

“Asshole.” You heard Jack mutter under his breath and you giggled, amused.

“Be nice. He’s just… in heat, I guess,” you shrugged, already used to Zegras’ comments. Every time you saw him, he had something new to add to the list. Usually, you’d tell him to fuck off, and he would.

“He’s a pain in my ass, that’s what he is.” Jack bickered, pouting like a ten-year-old child. You found it cute.

“Poor Jackie, huh?”

“Shut up, Soph.” He smiled, blue eyes bright and kind.

Now that you knew what those backflips your heart did every time you saw him smile meant, it was much harder to control them.

Confessing to Jack would break the no-strings-attached arrangement that you both had silently made. It would meant either dating him and having your happily ever after (even if you hardly believed in those) or having your heart broken (again) by a really nice guy who just wanted to fuck you.

Besides that, you were both well-known people, especially you. You remember all too well when you were at home, chilling after a concert, and you got several texts from your friends and family, regarding a bunch of pictures of Harris kissing another girl at a bus stop station. A fucking bus stop station.

The situation dragged on for months, every time you’d post something, people would mention the fact that your ex was a cheater, you had been cheated on and that somehow you deserved to get cheated on; because of the things you sang, because of the clothes you were. Just a shit show with an even shittier audience.

“Hey,” you heard Jack’s voice beside you, and you turned your head around, looking at him. “Where'd you go?”

“Nowhere,” you smiled; it didn’t reach your eyes. Jack seemed to be ready to talk back when a girl— brunette with the greenest eyes you’ve ever seen— threw herself at his lap.

“Jackieeee.” She whined, kissing his cheek. “I missed you.”

You could tell she was a little tipsy, but even so, it made your stomach ache anyway. That ugly, shattering feeling of feeling like less than less came back, and it was as if you could feel the narrator of your story preparing himself to repeat the same shit again. Here’s Sophia again, the girl who likes to mistake butterflies for cardiac arrests.

“Hi…” Jack sounded unsure, something he rarely did. You looked at Grace, and she looked right back at you. Only then you realized that basically everyone was staring at you.

“You don’t remember me?” The girl sounded like she was pouting and you cringed. She was so close to you, sitting on his lap, that her left thigh was brushing against your arm. “That’s fine. I’ll make sure to be unforgettable this time, baby.”

“Wow, I think that’s it for me,” you muttered, getting up from the couch, moving to the kitchen without looking back. You knew that you’d throw up if you did; not because of Jack and Mrs. Unforgettable, but because of the pity stares you knew people were giving you. It sucked.

You also knew that if you stayed inside the house for too long, you’d end up drunk and pissed off. And you didn’t want that. So you did the only thing that you knew would put your mind in the right place again: going to the lake.

You walked outside, feeling the cold breeze hit your face and legs and arms and— everywhere, really. You should have worn a sweatshirt, but now it was too late to go back. You’d rather turn into a popsicle than to go back there and watch that again.

Sitting on the dock, you watched the lake in front of you, listening to the sounds of insects and trees moving. It was a nice view, but probably nicer in the summer. Right now it just looked like a Criminal Minds crime scene.

Lost in thoughts, you didn’t hear the steps coming from behind you. “You’re gonna get sick.”

Letting out a scream, you turned around, facing Quinn, who was wearing a pilot costume, with a scowl on your face.

“Sweet Jesus, Quinn, what the hell,” you put your hand on your barely covered chest, taking a deep breath. “Don’t you know how to, I don’t know, make noise while you walk?”

“I did that, actually, you just didn’t hear it,” he sat down beside you, handing you a Canucks sweatshirt. “Thought you’d get cold.”

You smiled, thanking him and putting it on, trying not to ruin your hair and makeup.

“Thank you, Quinn. That’s nice. Go Canucks!” You raised your hand, making a fist bump, hearing his soft chuckle beside you. You sighed. “I don’t know if you’re here to try to make me feel better or anything like that, but you don’t have to. I’m fine, really.”

“I’m just here because you needed a sweater and because it’s kinda creepy to be here alone. Nothing else, I promise.”

You looked at him, once again surprised with the Hughes men. But then, they were raised by Ellen, so you shouldn’t really be surprised.

You nodded, choosing not to say anything, just feeling the breeze on your face, a million thoughts in your head.

Now what? What would you even say to Jack? Hey, yeah, I know that when we started this we said that we didn’t want to fall in love but guess what! I’m in love with you.

And what would he even say to you? It wasn’t his fault he didn’t like you back. He’d probably say something like yeah, you fucked up our arrangement now I’ll have to find someone else to fuck every week. You were fun, though! and move on with his life.

And you’d move on with yours, just like you did before. The thing is, you didn’t want to move on again. You spent five years into your twenties trying to move on from things and it was tiring as hell. Moving on from broken friendships? Tiring. Moving on from toxic people? Tiring. Moving on from your cheater boyfriend? Tiring and humiliating.

You were pulled from your thoughts by Quinn throwing rocks at the lake, laughing when he couldn’t make them float like he intended to. He looked at you with that tired expression of his, and smiled back.

“Great album, by the way,” he blurted out of nowhere.

You frowned. “Thank you, I guess. Did someone leak it?”

“No,” he laughed, shortly. “Jack talked about it in our family group chat a while ago. Ma asked about you and he went on rambling about it, which was really funny. He was like, putting on his uniform before practice and recording a voice note at the same time, which he never does. And then he went full rambling about all of the songs and how shitty your ex was. Sorry about that,”

You looked at Quinn like he had grown two more heads, four more arms and five more legs. You had no idea Jack talked about your songs with his family. At all.

You wanted to ask more about it to Quinn so bad but you were kinda scared about what you were going to hear in response. Does Jack talk about me?

About you? Yeah, and a lot of other girls too.

“Sure,” you mumbled. “Yeah, Harris was a dick,”

“I liked some of his movies but now he’s banned from my watchlist forever.” Quinn announced like the statement didn’t make your heart break and mend at the same time, his tone calm and distant. “It’s good that you found something to channel your pain though. I do that a lot during my games.”

“Singing for me is like breathing. I’ve done it since I was, like, eight or even younger,” you nodded to yourself, looking at the stars above you. “This album means a lot to me, in a lot of ways. So thank you for telling me this.” You smiled, not sure if he could see it. He was also looking at the stars.

“Don’t need to say ‘thank you’. You have a gift, Sophia. I hope you know that,” he stretched himself, yawning and wrapping his arms around his middle. “I wish I could write songs but I suck at that.”

“Why do you sound like you’ve tried that already?” You smirked, fucking with him.

Or at least you thought you were, because Quinn went quiet, which confirmed your suspicions.

“What!” You looked at him, throwing your arms up. “Have you written songs before?”

“I was thirteen, okay? I just thought that maybe if I didn’t make it to the NHL, I could at least be a rapper or something.” He shrugged, again, which only made you start laughing. “I know, it’s funny. Thankfully, I made it to the NHL.”

“I don’t know, it’d be great to make a song with you,” you said, playfully, before realising something. “Oh my God, Quinn. That’s what I need!”

“What?” He smirked. “Make a song with me? I don’t think that’s a great idea—”

“No, not a song with you. Just a song. I need to write,” You nodded to yourself, getting up and fixing your skirt with your hands. “Do you think I could get a cab here? I came with Jack and I think he’s…” you bit your lip. Focus. Write the song; it will all be better. “Busy. And Grace needs to have her fun, too. She’s been working nonstop.”

“A cab? Soph, it’s like midnight,” he got up, too, standing in front of you. “I can take you home. It’s no biggie.”

“What? No! Enjoy the party! I’ll just try to catch an Uber or something.” You went to grab your phone, just to remember that you left it at the cabin. “Ugh, fuck, I need to go inside again.”

“I will take you home, no need for Ubers or anything like that. Just tell me where your things are and I’ll pick them up for you. I’ll talk to Grace on my way there.” He affirmed, walking with you towards the cabin, the loud music slowly filling up your ears again.

“That’s… so nice,” you breathed, more grateful than you’d like to admit. “Thank you, Quinn, seriously. I owe you.”

“It’s fine,” he replied, hands in his pockets. “Wait a second here, please.”

You did, and it wasn’t long until he showed up with your backpack, your phone and a very worried Grace beside him.

“Girl, what the hell?” She yelled, probably not even realizing how loud she sounded. “I’ve been looking for you like crazy and out of nowhere Quinn shows up with your stuff, saying he will get you home.”

“I have to write a song.” You reasoned, raising your shoulders.

Grace stared at you for what felt like forever, until she pressed her lips on your forehead and sighed. “Alright. I’m not even going to ask. Be safe, please, and remember that I’m only a phone call away.”

“Thank you, I love you.” You kissed her back, following Quinn on the way to his car, not bothering to look back.

Jack was probably busy anyway.

— ♡

HANDS around the guitar, you replayed the same melody you’ve been playing for five hours straight now.

You arrived home at one thirty in the morning, and even though you were awfully tired, you had to get the lyrics, the feelings, the emotions out of you. Fuck sleeping.

You offered your guest room for Quinn but he just shook his head, saying that he’d crash at his parents’. You made him call you when he arrived there so you knew he was safe, which he promptly did.

After that, you made yourself tea and sat in your home studio, writing obsessively. It had been a long time since the last time you had a song practically written in your head, and honestly, you couldn’t tell if that was good or not.

What you knew, though, is that now, five hours later, seven a.m. in the morning, you had a song. Bad for Business. You sent it to your producer and Grace before laying on your bed and drifting away immediately, the exhaustion taking over you.

[talaok]

Hello,

I was wondering if it were possible to write a Tyler galpin x reader smut where he is like basically feral and running on pure instinct? I'm a big fan of your writing and it would much appreciated 👍

Thank you~~~~

pairing: Dom!Tyler Galpin x Sub!Fem!reader summary:Tyler teaches you a lesson after you messed up Warnings: not exactly con, face fucking, shit ton of degrading, MeanasfuckDom!Tyler, unprotected penetrative sex, choking and slapping a/n: This is a lot, I'm serious, so please don't read it if you are impressionable or in any way triggered by any of the warnings. That said, I wrote this while writing an essay about a saint, so yeah, that was an experience.

You’ve gotta learn

"I'm sorry" you said, for the thousand time since you had entered the room. His room, his blue-walled room, filled with posters and CDs. A normal teenager's room, where one should do their homework and dream of the future. But that was before, before Marilyn Thornhill, before the hyde, before he had killed and killed countless innocent souls. Now it was a facade, a distant reminder of what it could have been, of what he could have been. “I’m really sorry Tyler” your eyes were starting to wet, pathetic useless tears were threatening to spill out of them “ I fucked up”  “Fuck if you did” he said harshly “you had one job and you still managed to fuck it up” he yelled “I swear to god if I get caught because of you “ his index finger pointed threateningly at you “I don’t even fucking know “ he exhaled, dropping his hands by his side. “I’m sorry” you mumbled as a tear streamed down your face. “Are you serious?” He stepped towards you “Are you fucking crying?” You gulped. He was scary when he was mad. You had seen it before, since you began helping him you had uncovered shades of him that you had never met. Things he hid from the word, moments of rage, of anger so powerful you had found yourself fearing for your life. Wondering if you were gonna get out alive, or if his feral eyes were gonna be the last thing you ever saw. And now there it was again, the Tyler nobody knew, the real one, towering over you. “I’m so-“ a sob interrupted your words. “Oh stop” he said annoyed, “ you think your apologies will change something?” he hissed and you looked at your shoes, not able to bear his gaze anymore “huh?” He tilted his head to meet your eyes “answer me” “N-no. You’re right” you sobbed now, not in control of your emotions. "Stop " he gritted "Or I'll give you something to fucking cry about" he gripped your face  "and I won't stop even when you beg" he inhaled your scent "not until you'll have no more tears left "  You looked at him apologetically “I-I” “Choose your words wisely y/n” his low voice seemed calmer now, but you knew he wasn’t. That was the tone he used when he knew what he wanted, and was determined to get it. And you knew what he wanted. “I’m sorry” another tear wet your face. He smirked, because he knew, because you had done just what he wanted you to. “Get on your knees” You looked at him, fear very clear in your irides. The last time this happened you ended up having to hide bruises all over your body. “Tyler-“ “Get on your knees y/n, and open your mouth” You did. “Maybe this way you’ll learn to shut up” He unzipped his pants and they pooled at his feet with his boxers. His cock sprained right in front of you. Staring at you threateningly. “Stick your tongue out” he ordered, as he gathered your hair in his fist. You obeyed again, and he pulled your head back, forcing you to look up at him, before he slowly pushed his dick into your mouth. You gagged once his tip hit the back of your throat, and he groaned, not stopping but pushing himself even deeper. More tears pooled in your eyes. “What, you don’t have anything to say anymore?” He retracted his hips and thrust hard back into your mouth “No more pathetic apologies?” He did it again, his grip on your hair getting stronger. He chuckled “ it’s hard to do that with my dick in your mouth”  Your bare knees were hurting, bent against the cold tiles.  He pushed himself into you again “isn’t it?” He humiliated you, as he started going faster, strings of saliva falling and sticking all over your chin. "Isn't it?" he asked again, yanking your head back. He wanted you to answer. As if the mascara down your face and your knees on the floor weren't enough. You nodded, humming in agreement around his cock. He chuckled "such a fucking slut" before resuming his rhythm. "you just have to be told everything" he kept going " so fucking pathetic" "i have to do this you see?" he growled "or else you're never gonna fucking learn"  "you understand?" he asked, choking you on his dick, like you could have answered.  you stared at him, your eyes red from the tears and your face wet from both them and your own spit. you had never felt so impotent in your life, completely at the mercy of someone else, not strong enough to fight back, but most importantly, most scarily, too in love to even try. Because that was the truth. You loved him, you loved him more than you loved yourself, more than your own life. He was a monster, a killer, a criminal, and yet he protected you, he held you and he was there, he was always there for you. So even at times like this, even when you knew something wrong was happening you couldn't help but think it was for him. You were helping him, just like he had helped you times and times before. And yes, of course, the modality was really diffrent, but the outcome was the same. What were a couple bruises compared to his face afterward? Compared to all he had done for you? And so you nodded, granting him what he wanted, what he needed. "tell me what you understood" he ordered, removing his cock from your mouth. You coughed softly "Y-you are doing it for m-me" you answered stuttering "Why?" he pushed himself into your mouth again, taking you by surprise. More tears traveled to your chin before he took it out. "T-to make me l-learn" "That's right" he said, bending down to you "don't you think you should thank me?"  You swallowed nervously "t-thank you" you bit your lip "thank you Tyler" you whispered almost inaudibly. "What's this?" he asked angrily, grabbing your face "I want you to properly thank me" Your eyes widened, part of you thought he was gonna be more clement this time, but turns out you were wrong. "Quickly before I make you" he said, calmly threatening you. "O-ok"  Your trembling hands went to unbutton your shirt and as you started his cold voice interrupted you "faster" he ordered impatiently, and so you did, unbuttoning everything before you took the garment off. His eyes fell to your breasts, covered only by a black lacey bra. "take it off" he growled You did, freezing a moment to let him take in all of you. Then you got up, stumbling a bit, but succeeding nonetheless, and you looked at him in the eyes, like you knew he wanted, and also to spot any signs of a mistake, as you unzipped your skirt, and pulled it down, stepping out of it. once his expression didn't change, anger mixed with hunger always predominant in his eyes, you kept going, pulling your panties down too. you stopped now. "what are you waiting for?"  you looked behind you at the bed and then back at him. There was no getting out of it. you were gonna do it for him your heart started racing as you sat down on the bed, glancing at him one last time before laying down. You slowly bent your knees and then spread your legs. He appeared next to you and you watched as he got on the bed, slowly getting on top of you. He gripped your face, your cheeks squeezed between his hand as he scrutinized you, every single inch of your face "You're gonna be good?" he said "Mh?"  "Y-yes"  "good" he let you go, his hand going to his cock to position it at your entrance, while his other one slid up your chest all the way to your neck. He gripped it, and you whimpered. Turtleneck it was. "shh" he shushed you, as he entered you slowly, a pace you knew was gonna be forgotten in about a second. "Shut up" his grip got tighter "You've gotta learn" He looked at you, a faint smirk ghosting over his face. "don't you?" He didn't give you time to agree with him as he thrust out and in you again strongly, your whole body bouncing back against the headboard. Fuck that hurt. You gasped and he didn't even acknowledge you as he did it again, and then again, and again. "so fucking stupid" his dick was pounding into you relentlessly, not an ounce of mercy in his thrusts "need to be told everything" his grip was getting tighter again "need to be taught everything" it was getting hard to breathe "need to have my dick in your mouth" he bent down closer to you, his words firing at your face "in your pussy" you were trying to gasp for air as your vision went blurry "to learn when to shut up" "T-Tyl-" you tried speaking "You said you'd be good y/n"  "I can't- I can't breath-" "I know" he said coldly, and your heart dropped. maybe this was really gonna be it. "pl-please" you begged, a tear streaming down your face. "fuck you're pathetic" he kept his hand where it was, his thrusts getting harder "such a cry baby" he kept going, your head hitting the wooden headboard again " I liked you better when you couldn't talk"  Black dots soiled your sight. "Tyle-" you tried again, but one of his hands came down your cheek, slapping you, your head swang to the side. Your mouth widened, but no sounds came out. "shut the fuck up" he grunted "I'm almost done" There was blood on your lips. He was still going, his grip on your neck always the same, just like his pace, and you were bleeding, trying to get some air in your lungs. This was Tyler, And this was you. "fuck you feel good" he groaned, his grip unintentionally loosening as his thrust got sloppier "Such a slut" His cock twitched inside you "such a fucking slut" he came, groaning loudly. You looked at him, your eyes empty, tired, looking for something, even an ounce of emotion, any at all to go on off, and he looked away, pulling out of you.

[clownprincehoeshi]

Parallel Hearts - Chapter 9

Synopsis: Never in your wildest dreams you imagined that you’ll meet your ult bias. Maybe you finally have your shot at love and happiness. Or not.

Pairing: fem reader x idol Jungkook fem reader x idol Mingyu fem reader x idol Hoshi

Genre: Fluff, Smut, Angst

Warnings: Kissing-Nudity-Sex 18+-Harrassment-Stalking-Death mentions-Cheating

Word count: 5681

Previous chapter

Masterlist

Rebloging is important and much apreciated. Leave your comments, oppinions, ideas, whatever you like. My inbox in open. Kpop writers, let’s be moots?

If you didn’t know before what you were feeling for Soonyoung, now you kind of do. That hug told you a lot. You had feelings for him, and these stupid feelings started creeping up here and there, without you realising.

You don’t know when it started or why. Maybe because he had such a soft and kind personality? Maybe because he was cute and fluffy like a teddy bear? And every time he smiled at you it made your day better?

You managed to pick yourself up and got that salad done. You all sat around the table outside, food and drinks all out and ready. You thought to taste some wine. Afterall, you were in a village filled with winery.

Being not such a big fan of wine meant you were not used to drink it so just one glass turned you into a talking smiley human.

It’s fine, you were among friends. Hana and Jun knew you very well. Then there was Vernon that would never judge or laugh at you. Joshua was completely drunk by now and Soonyoung seemed tipsy too, cheeks all red.

Now, maybe Seungkwan was the type to crack up some jokes, but he was too busy having fun.

Seungkwan: Ok, I have a proporsi…proprosi…porpo…shit. Let me try again. Pro po sit ion. There! Tonight is a night for deep conversations. We are among friends and I don’t know about you, but I would love to hear some touching stories and ideal from each of you. And maybe someone even has questions.

Joshua: I love this, Kwanie.

Seungkwan: Since I came up with the idea, I’ll start. I want to know what was the hardest moment of your life and what did you do to make it better.

Hana: Wow, that’s some deep shit there. The hardest moment for me was when my grandmother died. She practically raised me and I will never forget her. And I think you never heal from something like that, but with time, things get a little better and you cry less.

You try to show her some support by rubbing her back. You know the feeling of loosing someone close like that. It happened when you were in your home country few years back. You still think about that friend every single day. So yeah, it’s something that will always hurt.

Seungkwan: Ok, my hardest moment it’s similar. Everyone knows about my best friend and what happened. So….yeah, that was…really hard. I still struggle with the pain sometimes, but I have really good friends around me and my family. I know I am loved and it makes me feel safe.

Joshua: Yaaaah, this conversation while drunk hits different. Me next!! I think for me it was when I moved from the States. I didn’t know the language, the people, the culture. I was just a church boy that found himself in a foreign place. What about you, Hosh?

Hoshi: Ummm, there have been a few times when I had a really hard time. I can say that it’s hard to put one in front of the other because the contexts were very different. But for me, there were two moments. First one was when we first got hate from the public and antis. We were just kids and we didn’t deserve that much hate. I mean why would people be so mean? There is room for everybody. To tell us that we will never succeed. It made my blood boil. But we showed them. Look where we are now, there is no higher than this.

Vernon: And the second one?

Some of the guys were already prepared for what he was going to say, they knew it will be about his ex.

Hoshi: I mean…you know. Do I have to say it?

Seungkwan: Some of us don’t know, so yes. Not me, though, I know EVERYTHING!

Hoshi: It was when my at the time girlfriend cheated on me with one of my favourite idols. Caught them in bed. Something like that traumatises you for life. Really. I still have nightmares about it and I’m afraid of starting a new relationship. I think I better stay single.

Jun: Hosh, we talked about this before. You can’t expect that every future partner will act like that. For example, did you ever cheat?

Hoshi: No.

Jun: Then, Y/N here that was cheated on by an ex should think all guys cheat and never get involved with a guy again?

Hoshi: Someone cheated on you?

Hana: Yeah, silly. Your friend Mingyu.

Hoshi: I am sure he didn’t.

Hana: How can you know?

Hoshi: He’s one of the most genuine guys I know and I trust him, he would not lie to us.

Y/N: It doesn’t matter now, and yes, I have been cheated on, but by a guy you don’t know. It’s all in the past.

Hoshi: I want to know.

Joshua: Tell us, Y/N, we won’t judge. It’s a safe space and it stays between us.

Y/N: Sooo, I was 21 and we were together since I was 18. He was my first love, we met in college. I thought he was such a kind person, until I started to pay attention to the things my friends were telling me. I was just so blinded by love that I couldn’t see the big red flags. Turned out in our last year together he started a new relationship with a girl who used to be his best friend’s girlfriend.

Vernon: Shiiiieeeet, that’s so fucked up.

Y/N: And the way I found out it made me sick. We used to live together and when I got back to our shared apartment from a weekend of taking care of my sister, because she got very sick. I found long black hairs everywhere. All over the bedroom floor, in the toilet, even inside of one of my fucking t shirts. He gave her my t shirt, guys! My favourite t shirt with the picture of my dog on it.

Hoshi: Where does this guy lives?

Jun: What’s his name?

Y/N: It obviously still hurts knowing I was so disrespected and humiliated. Of course it still plays with my head whenever I meet someone new. So you can understand why I just couldn’t believe Mingyu and get back together. Yeah, maybe he didn’t cheat, maybe it was a trap for us to brake up, but for me, having such low trust, it’s a deal braker. The moment the guy I’m with makes me cry and hurtlike that and feel unsecure about our relationship, it’s done.

Seungkwan: Oh, now things are starting to make sense. I think you two could share your experience, since it’s similar. I never knew how is to be cheated on.

He said, pointing to Hoshi while looking at you.

Y/N: Jun, tell us yours.

Jun: It’s like Shua hyung. Leaving home for a foreign country. Man, it was so hard to communicate with the guys. They were very good to me though and I really feel loved. So all hardship paid off in the end.

Everyone looking at Vernon, waiting.

Vernon: Oh. My turn. For me, it’s not a specific moment that happened and that’s that. It’s something that keeps on happening and I find myself having the hardest times when it does. It’s when I see members having a tough time, whether they are sick, or exhausted, or just sad and depressed. Their mood is affecting me a lot and it’s really hard to help when it happens. Because you never know what are the right words or the right actions, you know.

Everyone looking at Vernon with heart eyes and nodding, like he said something amazing. Which he did, Vernon is a pretty mature and knowledgeable guy. We love him, we admire him and we need to protect him, ok?

Y/N: Noni, I feel really bad about all those weird ass fan calls you are getting. I wish I would slap some sense into those fans, you don’t deserve that.

Seungkwan: Remember when Mingyu just hang up to a fan that told him to show her his abs? That’s what we should do every time someone is rude or out of line like that.

Y/N: Yeeesss!!!!! And you should hire me as your bodyguard and I’ll slap some bitches.

Joshua: Really? That’s how much you love us?

In your drunken state, you didn’t realise that the next second you looked right into Soonyoung’s eyes while replying “yes”to Joshua.

When he blushed red, you realised what you did and moved your eyes from him.

Shit shit shit!

Hana: Juniiii! Did you know that I had the biggest crush on you?

You were just having a sip from your glass and hearing her, you spit that all out. Luckily, in the air and on yourself, not on someone else. You rushed to the bathroom, took your shirt off and tried to wash it as quick as you could.

Stupid wine! I knew I shouldn’t drink it.

You think you did a pretty decent job with getting the stains out and now you have to get out of the downstairs bathroom to go up to your bedroom and find a new shirt to wear.

Hurrying out the bathroom door into the hallway, your drunk mind had no time to intercept the person in front of you and you crashed right into them.

The crash was so fast and silly and it threw both of you to the floor, whining.

Y/N: Ooooowww, my butt!!!

Hoshi: What about mine? Don’t you watch where you’re going?

Y/N: Me? What about you? Were you going to enter the bathroom while I was still inside?

Hoshi: I didn’t know you were in there.

Y/N: What if I was naked?

Hoshi: Why would you be naked?

Y/N: Taking a shower is supposed to happen naked.

Hoshi: Well you are half naked.

Y/N: Uh?

And you look down. You’re indeed half naked, only shorts and a bra on. You forgot all about the wet shirt you had in your hand that went flying somewhere on the floor.

Y/N: Like you’re not enjoying the view. Huh!

Hoshi: Am not!

Y/N: You are, look how you’re still starring.

Hoshi: Not my fault, I’m just a guy and you’re…

Y/N: I’m what?

He gets up faster than Flash and walks past you, right into the bathroom.

Y/N: I’m what? I’m what?

Hoshi: Shut uuuup!

He panicked because he was this close to tell you “you’re beautiful”

Because why would you tell a woman she’s beautiful, she doesn’t need to know. Keep your feelings to yourself, make her wait. Let her wonder. Wait a while, let her think, let her want you. Let her find another guy, get married. Maybe then it’s the right time to tell her. right?

You’re such an idiot! He tells himself. For almost blowing up his cover or for not telling you? He’s not sure. Just like he’s not sure what to do about what he feels towards you.

Now he’s sitting on the bathroom door, back leaned on the door, mouth open and eyes wide. He thinks he needs to stop drinking. How is he supposed to manage this week with you around? Why did he come here? He could have stayed back at the hotel with the other guys.

15 minutes later he gets out and walks outside. Nobody’s there. He hears music on the beach so he starts walking slowly, passing the trees and bushes in his way.

All of you were dancing in the sand, under the Moon. The sea was calm and the breeze nice. He felt happy, so in that moment he decided that what’s done is done and he will try to enjoy the next few days, even if it will become harder and harder for him.

He joined in into your little dancing circle.

Of course, you needed to tease him now.

Y/N: Now Kwon Soonyoung, we know we’re mere peasants compared to your dancing skills, please don’t make us feel bad.

Hoshi: Ha! I’m not a meanie like you, would never do that.

Y/N: Oh, I’m a meanie now?

In a fraction of a second you take his bottle of water he was holding in his hand and you run towards the water. He starts running after you.

Hoshi: Yaaaahh!! Give me that? I need to get sober!

Y/N: Why? You’re more easy drunk.

You stop few steps into the water and turn to him.

Hoshi: Easy? I’m not easy!

Y/N: Yeah you are. If DK was here you would be kissy kissy.

Hoshi: Well that’s because it’s our thing when we drink. My lips are not cheap, you know. I don’t just kiss anyone.

You start putting your lips, making kissing faces.

Y/N: Who will you kiss tonight? Seungkwan? I know you like to get him angry and he would hate that.

He starts pacing to your direction, his eyes mad and face serious. He grabs your chin with one hand and plants a kiss right on your lips. A small, quick kiss. Didn’t really feel like a peck, because it was wet, hard and longer than one.

With his other hand he grabs his bottle then he turns around and walks to the others.

Hoshi: Is this answering your question?

And he left you there. Pouty and upset. Shocked. He left you with your thought. There is nothing to say to that, he left you speechless for the first time. Well, it’s the first time that he knows of.

He stops somewhere a few meters in his way and turns to you, almost like waiting for an answer. He had no idea where this courage came from. He really kissed you.

Hoshi: Tiger got you tongue?

He crosses his arms before his chest and looks at you, still waiting. He thinks you’re so cute flustered like that.

Then you start moving and walk to him.

Y/N: Why did you do that?

Hoshi: What did I do?

Y/N: This is not a game, Soonyoung. After that conversation we just had one hour ago? You pull this? You can’t just kiss me then act like nothing happened.

Hoshi: I needed to shut you up somehow, you kept being mean to me.

Y/N: So what, now you’re going to kiss me anytime I tease you?

Hoshi: I don’t know.

Y/N: Do you like me, or something? Because it’s giving crush.

Hoshi: Pfff, as if. It was just a peck and I got the reaction I wanted. Look at you all flustered.

You shake your head and walk away. You hear his footsteps in the back, this time he’s quiet.

You don’t stop walking, telling goodnight to the group and heading to your room.

Seungkwan: Ya, Hoshi! What did you do?

Hoshi: Nothing, I was just messing with her a little.

You go straight into the shower, taking a cold one and all you can think about, all you can see and feel is that kiss. Stupid Soonyoung!!!

You get into bed and minutes later Hana comes and lays next to you, pulling one leg over yours.

Hana: Pooks, what happened?

Y/N: Stupid Soonyoung kissed me.

Hana: Wha..when? why?

Y/N: When we were in the water. I was teasing him about kissing the guys when he’s drunk so I guess he took it as a challenge? I don’t know.

Hana: Didn’t you hit his nut sack again?

Y/N: Nah, I was just speechless and I was standing there like a fool. Then I scolded him for doing that and left.

Hana: What did he say?

Y/N: He was acting like it was nothing. Really, I don’t get this guy.

Hana: You think he was trying to get back at you for that kiss in front of Mingyu and JK?

Y/N: You know…that didn’t even cross my mind. But you might be onto something. Still, after the conversation we had, he goes and kisses me?

Hana: Well, babe, you’re both single and adults. Nobody is cheating anybody. But I have the best idea ever.

Y/N: Oh no, here comes the worst idea ever.

Hana: No, I’m serious, it’s so good you will think I’m the smartest person. Here it goes. What if.

Y/N: Yeah?

Hana: What if? And bare with me here. What if you play his game, but better.

Y/N: What the hell does that mean?

Hana: I feel like he’s playing here, wanting to see your reactions. Beat him at his own game. Play it, do crazy shit to get a reaction out of him, flirt. Like, heavy flirting. You know what I mean.

Y/N: Hana, you know I kinda like him, right?

Hana: So what?

Y/N: Like, I don’t want to hurt my own feelings. You know, starting to like him more from all the flirting and he rejects me.

Hana: Pleaaaase, it will be so fun. I promise, boo! If you want, I can give you the ideas on what exactly to do. He won’t know what it hit him. Look at me! If he isn’t in love after I’m done with him, you can do whatever you want, I will be your personal servant for the whole year.

Y/N: I will do it only because I don’t lose at games. You’re on, Kwon Hoshi!

At least you could sleep now, knowing he’s been challenging you with that kiss and you’re going to get back at him.

Next morning the plan was in motion. Hana helped you pick the sexiest swim suit and you wore it for breakfast, with just a thin unbuttoned shirt over it. He hasn’t seen you like this ever.

And when he lays eyes on you  while you’re coming down the stairs it all feels in slowmotion. Your long golden hair shining when you walked in front of the window right into the sunshine. A light breeze was blowing your shirt away, revealing your spectacular tanned body.

He thought you looked like a goddess. Walking slowly and sensual towards the kitchen, his eyes went to your thighs. Magnificent, he thought. He wanted to be squeezed by them. They looked so soft.

Eyes going up to your perfect waist that he wanted to grip and never let go, to your breasts that were barely covered by the swim suit bra. If he was never a boob guy, now he was. Your neck sensual and long. If only he could put his hand around it while thrusting into you.

And don’t even get him started with your lips. He loved them. So plump, soft and sweet. Now that he felt them he wanted more.

You reached the kitchen table where he was sitting and his mouth almost drooling, opened wide, made you chuckle.

Y/N: Soonyoung, are you feeling ok? Too much Sun for you here? What can I do to make you feel better?

You put your hand on his thigh and look at him with a cute pout.

He snaps out of it like your hand burned his leg.

Hoshi: Sorry, I just had too much to drink last night and I’m not feelings super.

Y/N: Did you eat yet? Want me to make you something?

Hoshi: I ate what Shua hyung made earlier.

Then you pat his head and leaned in a little to push your breasts together right in his face.

Y/N: Ok Soonyoungie, just tell me if you need anything.

All the guys were looking at each other lost, was clear you were teasing Hoshi and honestly, it was funny to them.

After you had something to eat, you saw the group outside around the pool and you signaled Hana that you’re going for another attack.

Hana: Girl! Already, a second attack? You trying to finish the poor boy?

Y/N: He started it, I’m going to finish it.

And like that you walked outside, slowly, moving your hips from side to side like a tease. You knew you will leave collateral damage in your path but it was war. You’re not weak.

Walking to stand in front of him on the other side of the pool, you drop your shirt and slowly sitting on the edge, dipping your feet in the water. At some point you lean forward to get some in your hands and splash it over your chest.

Droplets of cold water dropping down your sunbathed body, running down down to your belly and further into your bikinis.

Hoshi gulps loud, he fears the whole planet heard it. His throat feels dry like he just chewed a cactus and swallowed it.

He starts coughing agresively.

Noticing this and knowing it’s because of you, you raise the stakes. You look at Hana and nod and she immediately brings over some oil for tanning.

Since he drank some water to calm himself down, you took advantage and started to pour oil all over your barely covered body, massaging slowly and sensualy.

The worst thing for Hoshi was not that, but the way you locked your eyes with his while massaging yourself with the oil.

Jun knew already what was coming, Josh was quietly waiting, looking between you two, feeling the tension. Vernon was somewhere on a daybed sleeping. Again. Seungkwan was waiting for the drama like hot bread and Hana was trying not to die laughing.

You knew your acting skills were at a high level, in a funny way. But now you were trying to be more or the sexy side of acting.

So after you put oil all over your front side, you were pretending you couldn’t reach your back side so you grabed your little oil bottle and came to Hoshi.

Hoshi: Soonyoungie, help please?

Looking up at you with the bambiest eyes that ever bambied, he stopped breathing.

Hoshi: What?

You grabbed his hand to pull him up and he was just like a rag in your hold. He was just so weak and complient. He stood up and you handed him your oil.

He took without questioning any further; you turned your back to him.

He was like a lost puppy waiting for instructions.

Y/N: Come on, Soonie, the Sun will burn my skin. Are you scared?

Hoshi: Scared? Of what?

Y/N: I don’t know, you tell me.

 As soon as he heard scared, his competitive side came to life and he started to rub the fuck out of that oil on your body. When he finished with your back, he went down on your butt, being not very gentle with it.

You got a soft moan out of your mouth, could not figure out if it just happened or it was planned. You’ll tell your friends later it was planned 100%.

When he heard your little moan, he rolled his eyes so hard he could feel them on the back of his head. He felt tormented and tortured.

He felt getting hard under his shorts. He had half a brain to keep his oversized t shirt on, hiding his shameful hardon. He felt like a perv.

Then he had to kneel behind you to rub your legs too.  Just some 30 minutes ago he was thinking how would those thighs feel.

Well I’m dead already. Stop being such a pussy, you know she’s doing this on purpose. Keep your head up! No! Bad idea! Not right now, dummy, there’s that unbelievable ass up there. Keep your eyes to the ground and finish this quick. Mingyu, you idiot.

Hoshi: I need to wash the oil off my hands.

And he sprints to the bathroom upstairs where he can be sure nobody will bother him for the new minutes. The guy was beyond turned on. He hadn’t had sex in a few good months, they were on tour, he hasn’t  even had a passing friend with benefits since he can’t even remember.

Then it was this..thing he felt for you. Was it just lust? Just a horny guy who needs it bad?

As soon as he entered his bathroom, he locked the door, threw his clothes off, got under the cold shower and took care of that impossibly hard cock he had in his hand.

Thinking about how that hand also just touched your ass, your legs. Oh, he felt like such a big perv again. But he admitted he was weak for you.

He wasn’t usually like this. He was always drawn to feelings then came the lust and sex. He always needed some sort of connection with his partners to feel the need for sex.

But this? Now? He couldn’t describe, it felt animalistic almost. His hand up and down his thick leaking cock started to become faster and faster. He really needed to cum and calm himself down.

He thought this was the best orgasm ever, even better than when he had sex. What is he doing with his life? That’s not right.

You splayed yourself over a towel next to the pool. Hana was next to you, whispering in your ear about Hoshi.

Hana: I could bet that he went to jerk himself off. I just know it.

Joshua: Y/N, that with Soonyoung was fucking hilarious. Please do it again, I love watching him flustered.

Soonyoung appeared after a short while. He needed a cold cold shower too. He gave you a look, shaking his head, almost like wanting to say “you’re not playing fair, but it’s on”

He maybe be weak sometimes but he’s a fighter. He never gives up.

That same day at night it was time for your third and final attack of the day.

You baked some cake with chocolate and brought it to everyone to taste. The chocolate easily melted on the fingers when you took the small piece of cake with your hand.

You didn’t bring any utensils, exactly for this reason. Damn, Hana is such a menace sometimes, she has such crazy good ideas.

You hoped everyone will take the cake with their hands and it is like you suspected. You offered one to Hoshi, with a cute innocent smile on your face. If only he knew.

As soon as you saw his fingers covered in chocolate, you made a worried face.

Y/N: Oh no, you’ve gotten a bit dirty. Let me help.

And when you took his thumb and put it in your mouth to suck all that chocolate off, his legs melted. He forgot his own name.

With a shocked face he asked: What are you doing?

Y/N: Helping you clean up.

Hoshi: Aish, this girl.

He started smirking and pretending to scold you.

Hoshi: I had no idea you wanted me this much.

Y/N: I don’t, though. And I am not trying to do anything.

He leans closer to your face, locks ayes with you and runs his thumb over your lower lip, then puts it in his mouth.

Hoshi: You left some chocolate here. You’re welcome!

So he’s hitting back. Good, I would feel bad for having a weak opponent. I might like him even more now.

It went out like this the whole week. You did something, he did something. Every time you both got flustered. Your friends were getting tired of it, seeing the obvious tension between you too. And it was more of a sexual tension.

You two looked at each other like you wanted nothing more than to spend the next 24 hours in bed.

The last night before you had to go back in Barcelona, you decided to have a serious talk to him, because you felt overwhelmed. You felt like your heart would explode.

You knew it, you were in love. You didn’t want to be, you wanted to erase every single little feeling.

You were all walking to your wooden cabin in the woods where you spend the last 3 days. It was a narrow street that took to your place. Planning to hold him back to talk, you grabbed his wrist and just gave him a look.

He understood what you wanted and he took your hand telling you to follow him. He took you to a little hill where there was a big swing where you two sat, under a big jacaranda tree.

You both sat there in silence for a while, just enjoying the moment, knowing it doesn’t come often.

Hoshi: What am I going to do with you, huh?

Y/N: What’s that supposed to mean? Am I insufferable? You hate me yet?

Hoshi: Is that what you were trying? To make me hate you?

Y/N: Of course not.

Hoshi: Be honest. What were you trying to do?

Y/N: Ummm, getting back at you for that kiss.

Hoshi: I see, I see. So if I gave you a real proper kiss, you would try to stab be whenever you see me?

You giggle and push your shoulder into his.

Y/N: Soonyoungie, come oon.

He starts acting cute, calling you Y/Nie and touching your nose with his finger.

You stare at each other one minute too much.

Hoshi: What are we doing?

Y/N: I don’t know. You just annoy me so much.

Hoshi: Am I?

You nod, smiling cutely.

Hoshi: I thought I was one of your favourite people.

Y/N: My God, Soonie, what made you think that?

Hoshi: Hmm, you calling me those cute nicknames, for example. We have been teasing each other for months. And I am pretty sure we have gotten close. You know, it’s like my friendship with Kwan. It’s a love-hate relationship.

Y/N: Friendship.

You repeat.

 You look up at the night sky. He puts his hand over your hand that is placed on the bench of the swing. He smiles. You get up, not looking at him.

Y/N: We should head to the cabin, we’re leaving early in the morning.

He gets up too and grabs your wrists, standing so close.

Hoshi: You wanted to talk but you are not saying anything. Why do you keep running away when we’re having a serious conversation?

Y/N: Serious about what?

Hoshi: Our feelings. Don’t act like a little brat now, you know what I’m talking about and I think you owe me some answers.

Y/N: It’s not like you had some answers for me.

Hoshi: Did I hear any questions and I refused to answer?

Y/N: I… guess not.

Hoshi: So then stop being a brat and ask me. I’ll answer.

Y/N: Don’t treat me like I’m a baby, I’m just one year younger than you!

He pouts and cups your face with both his hands.

Hoshi: I like it when you get feisty and angry. Now you say something you like about me.

Y/N: I like…your silly jokes nobody laughs at, but you. I secretly find them so funny but I keep my laughter inside.

Hoshi: Wow, that’s mean. I like how you lose yourself in thoughts, it feels like you’re thinking about 1000 things all at once.

Y/N: I like how you’re actually really soft on the inside, even when you scream like a loonatic to make people think you’re dangerous.

Hoshi: Hey, I am dangerous!

Y/N: Not in the way you think you are.

Hoshi: Oh? Then In what way?

He gets even closer this time, his hands now falling from your face.

Y/N: You know, I can’t seem to figure out if you’re trying to kiss me or kill me, since you had your hands cupping my face for the last 5 minutes.

Hoshi: First your answer, then mine.

Y/N: You’re dangerous in the way you make girls fall for you for being too cute. Should be illegal.

Hoshi: Oh?

Y/N: Your answer?

 But he doesn’t answer. His hands fall on your neck, his thumbs rubbing your cheeks lovingly. His nose touching yours, his plush lips hovering over yours. You can feel his warm body glued to yours. It’s like you can feel his heartbeat. Or is it yours?

You don’t want to close your eyes, you want to see him. Those eyes that tricked you into falling in love again. Why did it have to be him? Why not a complete stranger? A random guy you met at work, on tour, even a tourist, a friend of a friend.

You whisper over his lips: What are you doing?

Hoshi: I really really really want to kiss you right now.

He said it.

You won’t go for the kiss and it seems he’s delaying the moment. He might still be playing with you. He might not even like you like that.

So you pull away just when his lips slightly touched yours.

Y/N: I can’t.

He looked at you with sad eyes, trying to understand what he did wrong.

Hoshi: Did I mess it up?

Y/N: No, I just can’t and shouldn’t.

Hoshi: Will you tell me why? Apart from the reason I already know about the past and not trusting men anymore? I won’t be a jackass and say that I’m different. All I can tell you is that I like you. I can’t tell you what the future will bring, if we are good for each other or not. Shit, I am scared too. I’ve never felt like this and I have absolutely no idea how to manage everything I am feeling.

Y/N: Soonyoung. I am so scared about everything. I don’t want a failed relationship anymore. I just want to be THAT someone to somebody, you know, not someone who’s left aside just in case the grass is greener on the other side. I don’t wanna feel like a second choice. I want to be wanted, completely, loved.

Hoshi: I want to give all that to you if you’ll let me.

Y/N: I don’t think I can, I’m sorry. Please, just let me go to my room.

He lets go of you and watches you slowly get further and further away. He just stands there, eyes filling with tears ready to burn his cheeks. Should  just give up? Is this the Universe telling me we would not work together? Why do I feel such a strong pull towards her then? Man, this sucks. Now what?

[wannaeatramyeon]

Helloooo I just wanted to say I absolutely love your writing! I always look forward to your posts, they just make my day! When I‘m feeling down they cheer me up and when I‘m in high spirits they make me even happier. So keep up the good work :3

Btw I‘d also like to request the Lookism boys reacting to them accidentically hurting their S/O (especially Jake and Goo, I just love them) 🥹

If you don‘t want to it’s fine! I also just wanted to tell you I really appreciate your writing🫶🏻 Thx!

~Your fan

Hi Anon! SO SORRY FOR THE DELAY. I know it's been a while. Thank you so much for your kind words omg 🥹 your words are also a wonderful pickmeup for me too. I will work harder to keep making the most of this fixation with these silly boys 🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️ And don't worry, as long as I keep putting out bullshit for Lookism, there will always be some Jake and Goo cos they are my faaaaaves.

Accidentally hurting S/O: Goo, Jake, Gun, Samuel, Vin

Neither of you ever go full force in your spars together. The intent was to improve, not maim.

However, seeing a gap in your defensive stance, their right fist jabs out. Quick as lightning, hitting you in the ribcage.

Which you usually would be able to tank, except.

Fucking liver shot.

All your focus and drive is knocked out with that one hit. You're breathless, trying desperately to stay standing-

Goo x Reader

"Princess?"

Goo raises his eyebrows, a smirk gracing his features. It's not the first time you've manipulated him and then punched him as soon as he was within reach. No chance is he falling for it again.

At the sound of your whimpers, and pathetic sight of you head down, clutching your side, Goo finally backs down.

Surely he didn't hit you that hard, right? He thought you were much sturdier than that especially with all the trash talk coming out of your mouth.

"Cupcake, you ok?" The mirth isn't entirely gone from his voice, but he tilts your face up towards him and gasps at the tears in your eyes.

"My little baby! Did I hurt you?" his fingers come up to wipe the tears from your cheeks, "I didn't know you were so weak. Such a delicate little flower, my buttercup. I didn't even try, and you couldn't withstand that? My sweet darling."

Your tears dry quickly when you hear his words. More gloating than concern. "You asshole, that was a cheap shot."

"If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen, sweetheart."

"Asshole," you repeat as he cackles like a hyena.

"C'mon," Goo gives you a loud obnoxious smooch on the forehead for your troubles, "Let your Goo bear look after you today."

Jake Kim x Reader

Jake realised the impact before you did. Already too late for his fist to change course and resulting in your face crumpling up in pain.

"Shit!" his hands come up, gingerly assessing the area and eyes frantically searching yours, "Y/N, are you ok?"

"No," you squeak out and Jake has never felt such panic before. Is that his life flashing before his eyes?

And then when your eyes well up with tears, lip starting to quiver, Jake feels his soul departing his body.

Shitshitshit-

The apologies tumble out.

Of course, you can't blame him. Accidents are a natural byproduct of sparring. Jake suffered a sprained ankle not too long ago, and you still can't bend your left middle finger fully.

You regain your breath as his hands rove all over to check for any other injuries. Needing to touch you and feel that you're still fine.

"Jake?" You interrupt his worried movements.

"Hmm?"

Probably an inopportune moment, yet even through the pain, it warms your heart seeing how much Jake cares about you. "Love you."

Oh. Jake wasn't expecting that. That's what you give him after a liver shot? You really are too adorable for words.

With a soft smile, he tells you he loves you too.

Gun Park x Reader

Clearly unimpressed, Gun watches you.

With anyone else, he would have called them pathetic, worthless and a waste of his time.

But with you, it's not time wasted. He would rather be with you, than not at all. Which he finds difficult to admit. That fact at complete odds with his drive and his self. A personal weakness he is willing to overlook.

From the offset, Gun could see there was zero possibility of you becoming his masterpiece. Simply put, you didn't have the body nor talent nor skill. When you first asked him to start sparring with you though, he acquiesced. Frankly, has he ever even said no to you.

You chance a peek at your boyfriend. Already you are expecting a look of disappointment, instead you see his retreating back, leaving you alone.

Tears spring to your eyes and you drop your head in shame. Damn, this hurts. You're no match for Gun, no match for most people really. Still, you've been trying to improve.

As you wallow, a blanket is wrapped around your shoulders. In the blink of an eye, Gun hoists you into an effortless bridal carry, calling you an idiot.

You know his words have no bite, his actions speak far louder.

Arms wrapping around his neck, the pain subsides as you nuzzle him.

Samuel Seo x Reader

Samuel feels it in his superiority complex first, always bubbling away and too deeply ingrained for anything else.

Incapacitating an opponent, dominating them, proving that he is better.

Followed quickly by fuck. This isn't an opponent. Not really. It's you.

"Y/N?" he holds you by the shoulders and you lean into it, your legs too weak to hold you up.

Samuel's eyes cloud with worry when you let out a feeble groan.

"Come on," he picks you up, maneuvering you into a fireman's lift with grace and you with anything but. Ass in the air, hair flopping down, still feeling waves of pain.

Samuel faintly recalls his packed calendar for the rest of his day. Meetings upon meetings. Calls and face-to-faces with vendors and investors and corporate fucks who can barely form a thought between them without a brainstorming meeting and a presentation.

"Ughhh Sammy I feel like shit," you gurgle from behind him, and that is all it takes for him to wipe his schedule clean.

None of it matters.

He'll be spending the rest of the day with you instead.

Vin Jin x Reader

Vin nudges you with his foot, "Get up."

In the end, your legs had crumpled beneath you until you're flat on the floor, hands clutched to your throbbing side.

At your lack of response, Vin tries again. "Get up you pussy."

Vin is Vin. An asshole to the end.

"Go away," your voice is weak, barely reaching his ears.

He squats down and squints through his shades, trying to get a closer look at what the hell is wrong with you. He barely even touched you.

"Yeesh, are you really this weak? You're no fun."

You can't bring yourself to say anything to that, just throwing a glare at him. So venomous that you hope it penetrates those stupid sunglasses and into his soul.

"Whatever, if this is what we're doing now." As if he wasn't the cause of your predicament, Vin lets out a melodramatic sigh and lies down beside you.

"You're such a loser," he says, even as he shuffles close, carefully positioning your head on his shoulder and pulling your body to his.

[ravers8fantasy]

Haiii new Punch Out fan here! (Well, I recently rejoined the fandom) This is gonna sound dumb but if one of the boxers came down with an illness, how would the other boxers help?

(Don Flamenco is the sick one bc may my favorite suffer lol🙃)

Dw its not dumb!!

Yall weather is getting colder so make sure to keep warm and stay hydrated!!! also sorry for any mistakes here I did this during the night zoomies....

How do boxers help eachother when sick? (don im looking at you specifically here...)

Glass Joe:

I think he makes some pretty good soup, and he gives it to the boxers whenever they are sick in a thermos so it stays warm for longer

Made Don a get well soon card, but forgot to sign it so poor Don was left wondering who tf gave him a card with cursive af hand writing

Von kaiser:

Takes rest very seriously, if he catches any of the boxers not resting whilst they are sick he will chase them and bolt them into bed.

He visited Don and instead of saying get well soon he lectured him on what he should and should not do (you should stay hydrated, dont move too much, get fresh air, dont smoke, etc etc)

Disco Kid:

Usually the first one on the scene if Kaiser hasnt beaten him. He helps make them feel better usually by just being a big massive positive ball of energy.

When he visited Don with Tiger he danced at the foot of Dons bed whilst Tiger danced (they both got kicked out)

Piston Hondo

Makes really hearty meals for the boxers when they are sick, usually some form of protein with a heck ton of herbs

Literally forced Don to eat because he wasnt eating due to lack of appetite. Bro was not having any of it

Bear Hugger:

Brings boardgames around to cure good old boredom since you cant do alot when your like mega sick

Played a round of uno with Don and it ended up with Don having the sickest coughing fit ever (Bear revealed he was hiding all his cards under his suspenders and that fact disturbed Don)

Great tiger:

Usually brews up a nice hot herbal tea for the gang when they are sick. He has to warn everyone now not to drink it straight away after the amount times boxers have burnt their tounges

Like Don for example, he burnt his tounge on that tea but he still drank the whole lot cus that shit hit the spot (also kicked him out after he started hos 'supportive rapping' stunt with Disco)

Aran Ryan:

If its a cold then Aran doesnt take it too seriously, however if its like a proper fever then he might do something nice (only if he is feeling generous)

Gave Don a card but he didnt want to come across as too nice so he made it shoot out a shit ton of confetti. Afterwards, don found random confetti around of his room for like 3 months

Soda popinski:

Bro either pulls up to be useful or pulls up to be silly. Usually its the latter, I think Soda would try and get sick boxers to drink fizz but after that doesnt work he just tells them repeatedly to stay hydrated

Gave Don a 6 pack of knock of pepsi he found somewhere, after Don declined he was just like "oh... Your not going to be hydrated though?🤨" . Don also ended up kicking tf out of his place since he barley helped bless.

Bald bull:

I think he wouldnt really interact much with the other boxers. However when one of them is sick he suggests they go out and get some fresh air, mabye just sit outside and have a calm moment to yourself.

was going to tell don, but because he was roughing it out at the time of his visit bull decided to keep his mouth shut

Super macho man:

Gives gifts but the gifts are usually his own merch. He packages it all fancy as well which makes it even more weird

Gave Don a pair of macho 'glasses'. Don ignored him for a while, even after he got better from being ill

Sandman:

Like bull I also think Sandman doesnt interact with the others that much, however that doesnt necessarily mean he doesnt care. He gives cards to the boxers whenever they are sick (well to the ones he likes...)

Gave Don a card, it wasnt a fancy one just one of those you would find in the card section of a supermarket. However he wrote some pretty helpful tips on how to effectively rest which definitely helped alot.

≣≣≣≣≣✿≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣

Waheyyy first headcanon post in a while!! Im starting to get back onto the grind so apologies for any spelling mistakes lmao. Hope you enjoyed and sorry if some of them are pretty vauge or repetitive😭

Byebye‼️

[cherri-balms]

♡﹕𝐍𝐄𝐗𝐓, 𝐍𝐄𝐗𝐓! — PROLOGUE

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A/N﹕YAY I FINALLY FINISHED THE PROLOGUE FOR MY FIRST SERIES!

This is the first full fledged fanfic I have written in a long time, I hope anyone who finds this finds it enjoyable, I had a fun time writing this prologue chapter and I currently have around a 10-12 chapter vision for this series as it stands, but if this proves to be something you guys like I will be happy to extend the series! I do plan to create a tag list, if you would like to be added shoot me a DM and I will add you to the list! As always any replies will be made through our main acc @caravan-mad!

This prologue pretty much gives most if not all the information about the reader aside from important plot details. I wanted the reader's demon form and time period to be as ambiguous as possible and limit the use of Y/N, the reader in this story has allegories to butterflies.

Not all chapters will have warnings nor does this one, however the full fic will contain dark content and will be under the dead dove do not eat tag.

Some content will include but are not limited to: Unhealthy relationship dynamics, N.SFW, Unrequited love, Yandere themes, Dubcon, and pretty much any tag youd find listed in Hazbin Hotel tbh

𝐄 × 𝐌/𝐅 × 𝟐.𝟔𝐤 × 𝐎𝐧𝐠𝐨𝐢𝐧𝐠 × 𝐀𝐎𝟑

♡﹕Bored at work performing repetitive choreography and pleasing faceless demons, you find yourself reminiscing on life, death, and limbo.

♫ envy baby ~ ♫

“Lights clear? Sounds clear?” 

“We’ve been fucking over this Steven! We’ll know it’s clear when they finally stop tuning our shit-” 

“Anne chill, we still have six minutes till airing. Don’t waste all your energy on the roadie.” 

“That crowd doesn’t seem to be getting any quieter does it…” The little imp’s observations were now only being met by eyerolls and silent treatment by the two drummer girls as the completed instruments silenced in countdown. 

Lights crew above, sounds crew from behind, and effects team surround. The way every single backstage member of your cast would run and scurry around you to get their various tasks done always made you think of little mice, rats even, so worked up making sure everything was in perfect position before those curtains had a chance to stop separating you, from them.

It was cute enough to make you laugh as though you were still a highschool girl.

“Broadcasting live in 60 seconds!” Dark blue scene lighting begins to fade your entire surrounding to a pitch black, and among doing so freezes your little mice into statues all around. Only the tiniest crack in the fabric ahead illuminated the space with a sharp vertical line down the curves of the figure that stands as the adorning center piece of this particular attraction. Roaring bass brings about a quake to the stage beneath your feet, queuing time for you to give your puppies a treat.

“Awwwe~ Did we leave you waiting long?” The volume of pure passionate devotion always rang to your ears louder than any electrical speaker could achieve. 

The wave of the new future adorned in electrical inventions was something you’ve always been prepared to face; why even in the faint blur of the overworld it was all the grown ups could ever yap enough of! No, that wasn’t where that bitter taste came from.

In the full truth of things, you just never knew you’d stick around long enough to bear full witness to its infection of mankind.

Oh come on. Who are we kidding right now?

“Hi. I wanna people save, all right? ”

You’ve never been more liberated.

“You’re in m-my way!!”

Your eyes have but a second to adjust to the flood of bright neon before life hits play once again. The choreography you, and and the other 4 devils fanned out beside you have programmed into your bodies for the past months flow across the stage with ease. among the camera men you can make out the mass of waving pen lights stirred ablaze after the long anticipation, oh how you love they always use the color dearest to your heart…

“The tightrope falls, broken by others”

Once you felt the rushing high of the stage the first time around tolerance for it subsided immediately after. You’ve seen the looks on those poor saps down in the front row, each one hyper fixated on every movement you make wishing they could be you, or be up here with you.

And of course, you all flash them bright smiles, longing gazes and praise them with verses of purity more fitting for the angelic souls looming up above. Customer service is the utmost desired, as they say!

“What a lady, she’s gonna jump

towards the light and shatter humiliatingly”

Actually, can you even remember when your first performance was? How old were you even? All of this came from a cheap shot of gaining a few quick pennies back in the day. Landing yourself a handsome and rich husband with the filth you wore on your back was the first childhood dream you found dead on arrival, but what you were cursed in status you were blessed with the cuteness that made kittens hiss in envy. To say you had “the voice of a goddess” would mayhaps be a bit too presumptuous, but who were you to refute the compliment when it came your way?

Well, maybe trying to parse through finding the day your career debuted or took off was a fool's errand, but the moment it ended certainly still remains as a burned film stuck to your mind. You stopped caring about the “Oh woes me~ what did I do to deserve this~” a long time ago. Still, the punishment you received in death far exceeded what you ever did to earn in your eyes, more so than your sentencing of eternal damnation.

“High and without care I’m lonely, lonely”

Right on que, as always every time you reach exactly 32 seconds into your first song the intrusive memory flashes the same images of the past over your current reality it almost feels as if you were stuck suffering that fate again each time.

You wish there was more to say on the matter of your demise, but there’s only a brief two second window between staring down some heckling loud mouth making a scene in the crowd and a bomb beneath the stage going off before your soul is falling down under the earth’s crust as a blazing comet onto the asphalt below.

And two days before your 21st birthday too are you serious?! UN-Fucking believable!

“From their idle words, the clown becomes a prisoner”

The only thing you wanted to do was scream in the immense burning agony you were suffering until the whole world knew the kind of pain you were in, but each time you cried not even a croak could get past your scorched throat

Even after the blazes subsided and your charred cocoon was all that was left behind, the inferno decided your vocal chords were going to be its payment.

…. That was it?

This was your payout…

And after all that work…

“It’s the same love as always, no way I’d have regrets”

Surreal didn’t even begin to describe what became of the following weeks, months, you haven’t a clue. The construct of night and day seemed to mean jack in the bizzare wonderland of maddness holding you, only so much telling what shade of putrid red in the sky was darker than the same shade of fucking red from two hours ago! What a productive way to spend your newfound endless time!

Every aspect of this place made you absolutely sick, enough so to have you still praying you just were drugged and having the worst trip of your fucking life, but the horror in maddness is the consistency that lies between the lines. You’re certain that damned illuminated “WELCOME TO HELL!” sign and the stranger you befriended in the mirror was that line that made you finally cave.

“Hey, it's a amazing.”

Honestly, you couldn’t say what specifically led you into the epiphany you had, all of a sudden one day you heard a sudden snapping sound in your conscience, and like that everything made sense to you. Why your life was snuffed before you could emerge from your cocoon, why your makers deemed this your new home, and why that bomb taking your life just wasn’t enough to deem your afterlife a hell.

There was a certain liberation that came with hell that you were never going to get being the glowing little diamond you were in human society, through terrorism, cannibalism and bloodshed one thing would remain a constant throughout devil society. No one would ever give a damn about anything.

Hell became your fucking playground by the time your first extermination came around, and keeping on the move while broke as shit was a cakewalk this time around, but your first encounter with an overlord after catching your foot in the grave in the casino humbled your inflating ego. Chaos for society did not necessarily mean chaos without hierarchy, and going without a voice to call your own put you at an extreme disadvantage.

“LA-LA-LA!”

The crescendo of the opener is right around the corner, for the leading front and center of your group your vocals and choreography had primarily remained reserved for backup. The primary color of lights among the crowd made the obvious clear with who the majority of these demons were here to see, your manager was aware of this more than anyone else.

Your fans tended to be aware of this for a majority of your shows, your parts in particular tended to stand out even as mere background vocals.

“I’m ready for this this lover baby! 

My garden of love is in danger from a drawing hand. 

Truly, this this lover’s crazy! 

In the garden of harm, the bud of a human is a lie-ai-a!”

Sinners rejoice once the solo everyone was edging towards drops with the bass of the loudspeakers and the flares of the strobes above. The pitches your vocals were now capable of hitting and the frequency you were able to synthesize between notes wasn’t just inhuman, it was impossible for any singer whose notes carried on oxygen.

Your manager always made it a note in the writing room or when creating your setlists that overfeeding wolves with delicious treats would dull the taste over time, your solo singles often did well enough to prove this didn’t need to always be the case, but whenever it came to the business decisions you always put your full trust in him. Where you are standing right now is more than enough proof in your eyes that he knew exactly where and when to move his pawns, and in doing so he turned you into a valiant queen.

“Ah! I love you and even things about you I probably shouldn’t love 

I love you too much, on a count of one and two 

Lie-lie loving you, such words 

and doing such things, you’re in m-my way!”

Survival was of the least of your concerns after so much time had passed, but survival was all you could find yourself able to do in your forced retirement. Where you yearn for character in sound you were able to temporarily find when turning to radio, but living vicariously only quenches so much before greed starts cozying up within.

Plausible excuses for your laziness were wearing thinner by the day, even the last sane smolder of human morality trying to keep itself sparked wanted nothing more than to argue you weren’t supposed to be living to the fullest in hell, but the mute silence in your throat was beginning to phase your memory of the voice your inner conscience called its own too, and you'd sooner go mad trying than wither away again a fucking waste.

“Here comes the love maniac who never misses,

Stack up all the whining,

Fall in a high-fi love lie-ai-a!”

Overlords were still beings that had you nauseous upon first glance, your first meeting of one of these overlords had you vowing to never end up in the claws of one again, should you find yourself in a deal you can’t unbind yourself out of. Pride stuck thick to the roof of your mouth and there was nothing more you wanted to do than stick to your morals and prove use on your own, but reality had pelted you with stones throughout your entire afterlife.

You were going to need to write out a loan before you’d find yourself with any ounce of power to call your own, not like you didn’t have options for whom to choose! Even so, you needed to keep a steady head and an even sharper nose. In your ponderance you'd come to realize there was only really one option for you to go to this whole time. Maybe that gambling kitty taught you a valuable lesson on staking bets in the long run.

“Copy their acting and keep the truth hidden

Stacking three and lonely, lonely 

You’re surely a clown, a prisoner”

A bet on the future was what you were going to stake it all on.

“Copy their acting and keep the truth hidden

Stacking three and lonely, lonely 

You’re surely a clown, a prisoner”

Everything about how the world operated changed so rapidly from the days walking in the sunlight to your eternal party in the redlight, the wave of the future had finally hit with the promise for a solution to everyones problems. There couldn’t have been any better timing, if technology was going to be the way of the future, who's to say you couldn’t prove what was achievable? Like that, you had your sales pitch. The hardest part on your end was complete.

“Hey, it's a amazing.

LA-LA-LA!”

“So you were a singer in life and lost your voice in death, and just what the fuck made you think I was the man to go to for this?” Those were the magic words you were waiting for, with his composure shaken it wasn’t long before he was the one asking the questions and allowing the ball to move into your court. Your fingers dance on the illuminated tablet laying on the table once again before you flip it over toward his direction.

~Have your inventions not made it to that level of advancement yet?

Hook, line, and sinker. You had a hunch a passive aggressive challenge toward the ego would be what ultimately won you over with any overlord you chose, but the speed in which he stood from his desk and held out his hand, it felt almost too easy.

“If it’s a new voice you wish to invest in, consider your stocks opened, Monarch!” Finally…

“I’m ready for this this lover baby! 

My garden of love is in danger from a drawing hand.”

“Now for what you have to offer me,” You don’t care. “I hope you weren’t planning on extorting me out of a generous gift and then making the big bucks with it, hm?” These overlords just love to hear themselves go on.

“Truly, this this lover’s crazy! 

In the garden of harm, the bud of a human is a lie-ai-a!”

“I suppose I could just issue a royalty for your voice, after all you wouldn’t be making a sound without my tech. Lucky for you, I’ve been having fleeting thoughts of entering the music industry. So why not invest in each other instead~”

“Ah I love you and even things about you I probably shouldn’t love 

I love you too much, on a count of one and two”

Being owned by an overlord in the end wasn’t so bad, or maybe this is the fated “stockholm syndrome” everyone seems to be crying about these days. Either way, the biggest price you had to pay in the end was just having someone else do all the “business” part in show business.

Naive maybe, but rosey eyed you weren't. For all that he’s done you still fail to see how your end of the deal has in any way repaid what’s given, which can only lead to one thing down the line. You were going to have to give him your everything.

… Yet, how could you find yourself ungrateful to someone who fulfilled your afterlife dream and still continued to provide for you?

“Lie-lie loving you, such words and even such things, they’re in m-my way!”

The audience went absolutely ballistic at the final group pose signifying the end of your opening set, some of the really hardcore fans in the front row you swore passed out the second eye contact was made.

Yet when you turn your chin upward to the VIP section after performing your tricks so well, all you’re met with is a turned back and a schmoozed up producer instead of a tasty bone.

“Thank each and every one of you for coming to see us tonight!!” No, you only wanted him to come out to see you.

Only you.

Hey, Vox?

Can you just turn your stupid flat head this way?

[l1ve-l4ugh-lov3craft]

Brainrotting About A Crimson Rivers Fan Film aaaaa

And because @almostafunctionaladult (hopefully that @'s you cos idk if it worked) and a grand total of four other people liked the post I made about it, I'm gonna barf all my current ideas here

Cos why not??

FULL disclaimer I laid away late into the night conjuring all of this up and when I tried to bother my sibling with all this madness it was only semi coherent so hopefully this will make sense lol Strap in.

TO START OFF! There is SO much content even just in the first arena between all the hell James and Regulus are going through, plus wolfstar's domestic romance thing they have, and all the politics and Sirius' pov in the Hallow during the games. And THEN, you have the whole entire hellscape that is the second half of the fic and the second arena and revolution and shit, so it would be EXTREMELY hard to make a single movie. The original source material couldn't even be made into one book, let alone one movie XD

Which is why I have been stewing and pondering and have decided! Do it miniseries style >:D With the VERY large and generous budget of my dreams, it would be two seasons each with 30-45 minute episodes. Season 1 is 6-12 episodes and covers the first arena as well as the aftermath and ends once James and Regulus are on their way home. Season 2 is definitely more like 12-15 episodes and covers everything that goes down in the last 30 chapters or so.

UNFORTUNATELY, I do not have that splendid or magnificent of a budget as I am just a uni student with delusions of grandeur lol

So I would pick a few fan favourite scenes from the book and make short films about those! Starting off strong with the scene when Regulus and James meet up in the arena the first time cos I ADORE that scene and I need to see it in film XD That one is ALSO very easy to do on a budget which is nice cos it's two actors (which I still need so if you're in the US of A and can make it to Idaho, hit me up whaaaattt who said that??) and a patch of trees I could reasonably pass off as a forest on camera.

Another essential would be the Bear Trap scene and I have SO many fun ideas for camerawork on that one to add to the stress and chaos >:D never lingering on one person for two long to keep up the frantic, panicked feeling in the scene. I'd ALSO love to have a shot of them all just walking and then somehow quickly foreshadow that the trap is coming just for a split second before it cuts to a wide shot of the forest treeline for James' scream as he Gets Got. Then cut right back to all of them and commence the scene. Regulus calling James 'baby' is, of course, a must have in the book-to-film adaptation partly cos it's a recurring theme and hurts a lot when Reg says it later on, and also I just like it :) I would LOVE to do the scene with the death eaters when they catch Regulus and James cos I think that one can be really fun with the expressions. And being able to put Regulus going apeshit on Mulciber for hurting James could be a super cool but to film

I want to do EVERYTHING with Evan cos I love him so much but this is getting long so I'll have to save that for another rant

OH! And how could I forget the BEATBOXING SCENE??? I feel like I'm legally required to film the bit where James is beatboxing in the arena cos it's PEAK comedy but also the right background music could really do wonders in emphasising the level of humanity James still has in him at that point and could make it just a little bit angsty :)

RAGHHH AND MY IDEAS FOR THE FINAL SCENE WHEN REGULUS COMES OUT OF THE RIVER AND THEY REACH FOR EACOTHER! Camera blur will be my BEST friend in that one, giving the illusion that the audience is kind of seeing it from James and Regulus' pov as they're losing lucidity. Maybe some brief hints of flachbacks to all the top Jegulus highlights of the arena in, like, a 'happiest memories' sort of way? But not set on that it might be too much I dunno yet. And then I want to have the very last shot be from Regulus' pov. Imagine with me: we can see his hand in the foreground as he's reaching for James but the camera is swaying and his vision is blurry. Distantly, Slughorn's voice announces the winners of the 84th annual hunger games are none other than James Potter and Regulus Black. James, who had just been staring for the longest time, looks to Regulus, and there could possibly be the slightest twitch in his hand as he reaches back for Regulus, but the moment Slughorn's voice fades, Regulus collapses completely and it cuts to black as he passes out. And that's the end of the film. Roll credits :D

That's all I got for now, and those are only my ideas for the FIRST arena but this was getting long so I gotta cut it here lol XD Anyway yeah hopefully this was semi-coherent and as cool on metaphorical paper as it is in my head lol Let me know what yall think!! And if you have any other ideas I'd LOVE to hear them!!

[sanest-bsd-delegate]

Concert tickets

Headcanon: Where its you, them and the music taste. Ft Dazai, Chuuya, Tachihara and Lucy Masterlist Please look at the request rules in masterlist before requesting. Here is a lil headcanon for you (exams are shit, they decrease the writing creative power) bear with it AND THE GIF AM SORRY I CANT LMAO 😭

Dazai:

This man is 10/10 screaming the lyrics in the office.

Now he is a fan of Mitsiki too, but 'I wanna be yours' hits different.

Assuming your favorite band, he makes sure you least have a vintage case tape thingy even if it means Kunikida's bank account goes dead.

You both are broke babes,😭 cant even go to the concert.

But if you get to go into a concert, *cough* Kunikida's card *cough*, he makes sure you stay close to him

He 1000/10 gets lost in the concert, so pretty much you have to make sure his body aren't damaged. Twig like mf fr

WHY DO I IMAGINE HE MIGHT AS WELL AS CLIMB THE STAGE AND SING OUT-😭

If there are any fan meets, he makes sure you are with him cause there was this one time you beat him up just cause he didn't take you to a meetup. 💪💀 #saddazaicauseheisbroken

Dazai slays in the artist's t-shirts.

He secretly writes those artist x reader fanfiction on tumblr or smthg idk

I think he had a arctic monkey obsession phase.

It was a traumatic phase

I can feel like once you both only talked in I wanna be your lyrics, and oh boy the ADA was traumatized.

Once you refused to give him cuddles and bro really screams 505 lyrics.

He got a restraining order from the band when he sung at their concert.😭

The whole neighborhood got deaf by his singing.🤡

IMAGINE FIGHTING WITH PM AND THEN MF GOES LIKE "I go crazy 'cause here isn't where I wanna be" AND THE PM GOES WHO POSSESSED THIS MF NOW. (I need sleep)

Aww you love your boyfriend even when he is having broken bones and currently in hospital bed for going to a concert alone and getting crushed by sweaty people😭 <333

Chuuya:

"MILLANIUM KIDS THAT WANNA DIE" Bro might as well be a Dazai kinnie in music taste.

He had a Conan gray phase and still isn't over it.

Its a good thing you are his S/O.....YOU GET A FREE TICKET TO CONCERT WITH HIM.💪💀

can we appreciate this man? HE BUYS MERCHS FOR YOU <3333 WITHOUT STEALING OTHER'S MONEY UNLIKE SOME. 🤡

(well technically he steals their life so naturally the pay is for the life so he steals soul and money but he is a babygirl...he is forgiven.)

He has to use his gravity powers thingy. YOU BOTH ARE TO MUCH DEPRESSED IN THE CROWD.

"Woah, this place is just like my mind, messed up" "STFU Y/N 😭I AM TRYING TO BUY SOME MF TICKETS"

Awww he probably have you sit over his shoulder so that he can lowkey fly and you both can see the concert.

He cries if the song describes his life.🤠

Cause like one time you caught him listening to Mitski and he was crying. YKW YOU HUGGED HIM AND KISSED HIM CAUSE NO ONE LIKES A CRYING CHUUYA (maybe in bed thats different)

PLEASE I CAN IMAGINE THAT WE FORCE THIS MF

INTO

SINGING

LEVITATING

WHILE FLYING 😭

"I wish he levitates away forever, his singing makes my ear bleed" *Dazai proceeds to levitate to ADA hospital bed*

Chuuya supremacy

Tachihara:

Who knew this man got a music taste?

The same music taste as yours.

213420/10 the best music taste duo.

YOU CAUGHT THIS MAN RED HANDED LISTENING TO CPR. 🤡

His personality will be screaming Daddy Issues 😭

You still are suspicious how he got the concert tickets that too for TWO PEOPLE 💀

He will be those people who either will scream lyrics in someone's phone while they are recording or will those privileged people who get recognized by the band.

Why can I imagine him saying that the concert sucks?

YADADA YOU STILL DRAG HIM ANYWAYS.😭

*insert him doing funky dance on new rules by Dua Lipa*

Lowkey feels he listens to Spanish songs.

Imagine being along in room with this mf and he starts to sings Die for you??? While he spins you around dancing and laughing????

#blessed.

STFU. He had a Alan walker phase. No ifs and buts.🤡

Awww he brought your favorite artist's merch......WHERE IS THE HIDDEN MONEY BOY.

(Ill vibe with him on song 'this december')

EXTRA BUT HIM SINGING TELEPATH?? MY HEART CANT-😭

He brought a spotify premium for both of you <33 TAKE THAT ADS. 😭

Lucy:

She gives me girl in red vibes.

Pretty sure she is embarrassed to admit her music taste.

SHE IS THE REASON YOU LISTEN TO AMERICAN MUSIC ATM IDC.

You both will be sneaking in the concert using her ability.

LIKE FOR FREE??🎉🤠

You suggested that you should just have the door half ass open cause the crowd is just to much crowdy.🤡

She dragged you to follow her.

HELP SHE GOT CALLED ON THE STAGE TO SING WITH THE ARTIST. 10/10 she sings well.

Her music taste really is various but we love it.

She lowkey thinks you don't know she had a Justin Bieber phase, but you aren't confessing, it will hurt her ego.😭

You both watch those 2 hr concert video uploaded on Youtube (bless those uploaders)

"Y/N we can very well visit the concert venue you know?"

WAIT TILL THE COPS REALISE THAT💪💀

Awww look at you, just you both making Spotify playlist for each other.

"F-R-I-E-N-D-S" "Y/N please, you are acting worse then when you are drunk😭" "🤡 Haven't I made it obvious"

You brought her a little marshmallow keychain.

So like Atsushi accidently entered you both jamming to your favorites of all time and ummmm it left a traumatic picture in his mind that day. (Dw its just both of you jamming to much hard and the room is trashed out <3🤠

Fun fact: I was really confused on who to pick and wrote Tachihara thinking the poll cant change in 30 mins. (P.s it did and Lucy won)🤠 Fun Fact pt 2 : Requests are getting proceeded, stop spamming asking when they are finished 🤠 dw, am up for y'all love and appreciations and Ideas

[bonesandthebees]

Could I ask for some advice writing opening scenes? I've always struggled beginning the fic and writing opening scenes difficult lol

ok this ask is fairly old I'm so sorry for totally forgetting about it and letting it get buried but I will try to give advice now!

opening scenes are awful tbh. I struggle so much with them. usually I find the best method is to try and figure out where the plot starts and start just a tiny bit before that. of course 'tiny bit before' is relative, that can mean a few hours before shit hits the fan or days before it hits the fan.

for example, with one of my more recent fics ready set detonate, the fic starts with phil finding fit being held captive. this has no bearing on the main plot at all though. after he rescues fit the two go to a bar that night and that's when they get tubbo's message that kickstarts the main plot. I started the story roughly a few hours before to introduce the world and my pov character and to give some semblance of context, but not enough to fully immerse the reader in the world just yet.

another example is with through a glass divine. I started the story with the pythia waking up from a vision of what's going to happen at the ball that night followed by his discussion with schlatt about the vision and it's possible consequences. but the main plot doesn't kick off till the next scene that night at the ball when tommy kidnaps the pythia.

so I guess a rule of thumb I kind of (unintentionally) follow is to set my opening scene like, one scene before the main plot kicks off? just enough to give the readers a taste of the world and introduce the characters but not fully immersing them in it.

of course I don't always follow this rule. with clinic of course the story starts off with tommy walking home from his shift at the cafe only to immediately find a supervillain bleeding out in an alley. it's all one long scene and I really only give tommy a few in universe 'minutes' before the main plot kicks off. still it follows the idea of giving readers a taste and some context without fully immersing them in it just yet.

I have no clue if any of this makes sense but I hope it does? feel free to send me more asks if you need clarification

[restinslices]

My Problem With The Crows

Imma be fr, and some of y’all gonna think I’m tripping but Six of Crows should’ve never been merged with Shadow and Bone.

I love the crows. My favorite character in the entire show is Jesper and I genuinely think the Six of Crows duology is better than the Shadow and Bone trilogy. Everything about it was better to me. When I finished the S&B trilogy, I was happy. When I finished the SOC duology, I was sad because it was over. I was gonna miss my little pookie bears. That’s why it irritates me how their story is sped up in the show.

I get it. The show is called Shadow and Bone, so the story is mainly gonna focus on Alina. My thing is, why bring the crows if you couldn’t put a bunch of focus on them? Their story feels so rushed sometimes and I was honestly thrown off at some points. I feel like it doesn’t entirely work because the books take place years after Alina destroys the fold, so the things they do may not connect with her story. Season 1 they didn’t do much besides Nina and Matthias. They want Alina, they fail, they assist in a fight, that’s it. In season 2 Matthias stays in jail the entire time because they couldn’t do the actual plot of SOC because it’d be extremely rushed. Or maybe they didn’t do it so it didn’t take away attention from the S&B plot. To be honest, when I found out they were merging S&S and R&R, I wasn’t a huge fan. I was gonna say that if they spread it out, the ice court job could’ve been season 2 and Crooked Kingdom could’ve been season 3, but how much time passed in the books? In SOC Matthias has been in prison for at least a year I believe. That’s another problem, the timing has to match Alina’s story. They can’t do too much.

Also I didn’t like that Jesper and Wylan got together. I don’t mean this because I don’t think they’re cute. I love those two, but they get together towards the end of Crooked Kingdom. Them getting together so soon felt rushed and unnecessary. I guess they have the excuse of “oh, well they met before. They slept together” but lust and love are two completely different things. They had time to build up to this in the books. They’re cute in the show, but it don’t feel the same. The flirting, the teasing, the tension, the jealousy, I just feel like it would hit more if they weren’t together yet.

Also Pekka? In Crooked Kingdom, that man was a menace. How is he gonna be a menace if he’s locked up like Akon? He was a free man doing wild shit. He and Fuck Ass Van Eck turned Ketterdamn against the crows. Now I’m sure they’ll find a work around, but why do any of that when we could’ve just did the actual story? And honestly, I was shocked Kaz actually told Inej about his brother. Since we’re on that though, him defeating Pekka was so satisfying because we hated Pekka since SOC. We don’t know why Kaz can’t stand him in the first season, I’m pretty sure we find out in SOC but I could be wrong. I still think his downfall shouldn’t have been immediate.

It’s late and I got shit to do tomorrow so imma leave it here but I genuinely think they should’ve gotten their own show so they had proper pacing and time to shine. They shine even now but their own show would’ve ate.

[justmenoworries]

Okay, I'm about to say something very controversial.

I think the Terrans and the Maltos are kind of the weakest part of EarthSpark.

"What? But they're the main characters!"

Yeah, I know. That's the problem.

The main characters are this group of children who are, for the most part, not in the loop when it comes to the show's more interesting conflicts.

The Transformers fitting in on Earth, post-war tensions between Decepticons and Autobots, G.H.O.S.T. being corrupt, parts of humanity being suspicious of and/or downright hostile toward Cybertronians- all of those are things the Maltos are either only tangentially related to or stumble across accidentally.

And that makes sense!

The Terrans and the Maltos are literally children, they shouldn't have to deal with all of that. And the way the show makes clear how brutally the realities of war hit them once shit starts going down is absolutely heartbreaking and well-written.

Still, I can't help but find their story-arcs... kinda boring and repetitive.

Now, I'm aware EarthSpark wasn't really made for people my age. It was made for young children, kids who are just starting to become Transformers-fans and need or might need an introduction to this universe and its characters.

And its message about the power of love and family is a really important one to tell.

But part of me can't help but feel that the Transformers stuff kind of ends up falling by the wayside.

When I think of episodes I enjoyed, the ones that come to mind are always those where the Maltos either interact with Cybertronian characters or ones where the Maltos completely take a backseat, leaving the plot room to focus on the Cybertronians and their troubles ("Decoy", "House Rules", "Missed Connections", "Warzone").

While the episodes that focus more to entirely on the Terrans were often the ones I was least interested in ("Moo-ving In", "Friends and Family", "Bear Necessities"). That's not to say any of these episodes are bad, but like I said, they weren't particularly interesting.

At times it feels like the show itself is aware that the Maltos don't really contribute much and flips a switch to artificially boost their importance. Like in the finale where all the Cybertronians (and Terrans) just so happen to get incapacitated so that Mo and Robbie can save the day with their magical healing sleeves.

There is this constant tug-of-war between a heartwarming slice of life cartoon about family, coming-of-age and love and a dark space opera epos about the consequences and casualties of war, racism and genocide. And when these two clash it often doesn't work.

We'll spend one moment talking about how Megatron used to brutalize his troops and the next doing a comedic sequence where Bumblebee falls off his hay-chair and does a funny exclamation. One moment we're examining the unjust detainment of one faction while the other walks free, and then suddenly it's "Look! The funny mini-casette-bots are making craaazy mischief!"

We get hints that there's something more going on, we get hints that some characters deal with heavy stuff, but if those characters aren't the Terrans or the Malto kids or in any way related to them, hints is all we ever get until everything comes bursting out at once.

Just to make this clear, I am not saying that EarthSpark is a bad show overall or that I hate the show. But no piece of media is perfect and the reason I'm criticizing EarthSpark isn't because I want it to go down, it's because I want it to do better.

Back to the Maltos: If they were interesting enough characters, I wouldn't mind them being the protagonists at all. They have potential, I'll admit to that.

But once you get past the novelty of Transformers born on Earth and being bonded with humans, there's just not much to them.

They're not very deep as characters go and their personalities aren't strong enough to carry them just as they are. They're your standard bickering but loving kid siblings.

It doesn't help that they're not really allowed to be anything but a family unit, to the point of being quite literally a hive mind.

And yes, the show wants to send a message about being open with your emotions and family bonds. But after the umpteenth time a Malto-character started a monologue about how much they love their family and how much their family makes them strong and how they're confident they can get through anything with their family I was like

I hope they develop these characters further in season 2. I want to like them, but right now it's really not easy for me.

Those are just my two cents, feel free to give your own.

[stillfrownyclownlol]

Screaming into the void rn lmao

I am a chronic shitty slasher movie addict, so a slasher au is always up my alley ...I'm just finally in a fandom where it makes sense (kinda) 🤡

Tw: ...people..die, cuz...it's a slasher movie

It's at a summer camp because I love summer camps, they're so nostalgic to me even tho I went to a really fancy one and not the dumpster camp Ash is a counselor at lmao

It's her first summer there, and she's working with the rest of the gang (Tay, Tyler, Ben, and Logan). She's a dance instructor hehe, her group of kids are planning a ballet recital for the end of camp party :) But she's pissed off cuz they don't have the funds for anything nice.

Then...for some reason the camps start getting donations from , which is a little weird, but hell, Ash doesn't get paid enough to ask her boss (idk maybe Mr. Thomas) about it. But at the same time, weird shit starts happening; the phones get destroyed, finding bugs in the food supplies, or weird puzzles/messages are left around camp. Ash thinks it's some asshole kid messing around for fun :< One day, all the kids go on a field trip with a diff instructor so Ash and her friends can finally relax!

Then yknow, shit hit the fan when they find Tyler's corpse impaled on the tree. Looks like somebody pushed him, but the owners of the camp cover it up and say it's a freak accident and he just fell :/

Cue the rest of the gang quickly getting picked off in increasingly brutal/bizarre ways (sprayed with chemicals, knives to the face, they even find Logan totally massacred in a bear cave), until...it's just Ash.

Obviously seeing her friends die horribly in the span of like 2 days has done some serious damage to her psyche 💀 She's huddling in a cabin tryna call the police, but every time she tries the phone it's some creep saying how much he likes her breathing. Decides to suck it up and try to escape... *sigh* I'd love to draw a chase scene. Aiden's obsessed with her, he gave the donations since he saw how unhappy she was...and picked off all her friends because you know. Possessive much?

Kind of guy who likes to play with his victims, he does games like "hide and seek" or "where am i gonna stick the knife? :)" Definitely flirts with her as she tries to claw his neck out 🤡

But it's a final girl story, so ofc Ash wins and stabs him >:D Calls the cops using his phone and gets the hell outta dodge. Ofc, when she comes back, all the corpses are still there...except for Aiden *shrug*

Comic coming out in...the next decade presumably 💀

[double--hh]

Oh! One more pro tip from me.

If you’re going by the timeline where Nacha and Anastacha escapes Francis when they had the chance, I just need to tell you that Francis wasn’t physically abusive towards them. (That’ll be elaborated more in a different post where I talk about what he’s like as a husband/father)

Sure he never hit them. BUT! His methods of keeping his family with him are questionable. In Francis’s eyes, he sees love and obsession as the same thing. His views on love in general are so warped that he doesn’t want to lose the only family he has left in his world. That’s why he needs to protect them, in his own messed up way.

He still loves his wife and daughter as he should have but it’s the most twisted, lovesick way like restricting their social circle and getting mad when Nacha/Anastacha made plans to go out with their friends when he already made plans to spend time with instead. Francis believes everyone is taking away his wife and daughter away from him so he’s the type to monopolise their time together. The neighbours are aware of Francis’s possessive nature because he glared at them a few times when they take up too much of their time. He would even go as far as to kill any exes Nacha has. That was when Nacha and Anastacha drew the line so they escaped. By the time he snaps, that’s when Francis gets more aggressive and controlling over his family. Had the police not arrived in time, Francis would’ve chopped off Nacha’s legs and Anastacha had to bear the trauma of it all.

Just a little bit of info before you start writing. I know fans portray Francis as some manhwa dom daddy or wet cat but personally I love the idea of Francis being secretly batshit insane. You never know what’s behind those tired eyes of him. This is just an AU but I actually want story mode to show Francis being this fucked up person. I wish for that but that’s just my opinion. We’ll just wait and see.

~ SK Francis anon 🔪

Yerrr

I'm going off both Ana killing Francis for my main story and Francis getting detained and put on death row in the spin off when Ana visits him. :3c

I'm so interested in exploring how both Nacha and Anastacha are mentally after finally getting away from ol' Franny boy,,,

So far, I definitely beleive Nacha has GAD and PTSD from the whole ordeal, she's more open than Ana, she expresses her deepest fear to Angus that Francis will one day come back and be even worse than before. :(

Anastacha also has PTSD and becomes so closed/reserved as a person that it takes her well into her 20's to finally open up about how it all affected her... oh boy and does she let Francis have it. :)

Hrm,,, I wonder how much my headcanons will change when story mode comes out,,, (if they do any fuck shit with Izaack, Mia, and/or Angus I will sob and cry) ((it will be ugly))

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

6 month solstice/full moon check-in livejournalstyle

So i've been advised to recap the past 6 months. Especially since this current Capricorn full moon is exacting at 1 degree Capricorn which happens to be the same degree as My Ascendant. (Pinkmoondoll number 1 :@!!!!!)

The Cancer full moon happened at around 5 degrees on december 26th 2023. That is my ex's birthday. On winter solstice 2023, exactly 6 months ago, i cut her out of my life. We were already broken up for a long time before that but i continued to let her stay in my life for a few reason, namely guilt & fear. Guilt because of the emotional turmoil she projected onto me & fear because, well, we are married and i didn't know what would happen to my immigration status if i cut her off. I still don't! This has not changed yet.

Pretty much everything else about me & my life has changed though. internally at least. Having her out of my life has allowed me so much freedom to get back to who i am & live with integrity. The only people left in my life now are ones who are respectful, kind, have their own shit going on, appreciate that i am my own person too, allow me to breathe, don't expect anything specific from me, don't toy with my mind & emotions. They are just glad to let me be who i am. No one tries to control me anymore. i feel so wonderful because no one can control me.

So the past 6 months has been a series of stages of getting back to Me. unraveling all the lies i was fed for years, healing from the pain of being manipulated, feeling that so much of my energy was wasted. Truly truly wasted. i'm not one of those people who can live without regrets lol. i wish i broke free so much sooner, the stress destroyed my health for years. But ultimately, this is how it went down, so i strive towards acceptance.

For the first few months of this year i was really on a huge substance abuse kick! im not gonna specify what, but iykyk. Like i really just could not bear the weight of what i was feeling. Every day i was finding out more and more info about lies i'd been told, stuff happening behind my back. All i could rly do was take pills & tunnel vision into ableton or drawing or whatever. it helped repress my emotions & i got a lot done during this time but it was unhealthy & the more it progressed i saw how unsustainable it was.

around spring equinox shit HIT THE FAN e_e So this would be the quarter year mark. Well it was march 15 when denji ate the ziploc bag and had to get emergency obstruction removal surgery. That immediately halted all projects i was working on. I was still taking a lot of pills to cope with the stress of that situation & at that point i needed them just to function at a base level. Then i think april 4th or 5th was when i found out Sammy died, which...i mean yeah i've spoken a lot on how horrific that was & still remains to be.

I mean , like, that shit, rearranged my whole brain, that shit reset me. this also marked the time period where like... my psychic senses really began evolving. idt it was necessarily linked to sammy's death, it just weirdly shifted around that time. i think the lunar eclipse in late march caused some type of quantum leap idk man idek. Then the solar eclipse in april sealed the deal. Ever since then the craziest stuff that i cant even rly talk about has been happening to me & i immediately felt compelled to like, quit all drugs and just fucking ascend lol.

Sooo first i started w pill numero uno, the really diabolical one, middle of april i just said fuck it, i am done. at this point i had abused it so hard it wasnt even doing shit for me anymore, even when i took tolerance breaks, it was genuinely pointless to continue. i did wonder how the fuck i was ever gonna function without it and i was scared. The final few weeks of april were just a total write off, didnt do shit, totally depressed & grieving & miserable but weirdly hopeful too. Like i knew i just had to suffer and get it over with.

pill 2 was actually pretty easy to cut back on because ive quit it a bunch of times before & know what to expect, and since i was already suffering so bad from pill 1 after about a week i thought yeah i might as well stop the other one too lol. there was no noticable increase in suffering from stopping it. So by the 2nd week of May it had been around 3 weeks of feeling like pure ass but i was starting to feel WAYYYY better and my normal goofy self again.

That is the worst thing about adhd meds for me lol they robbed me of my whimsy and goofiness T_T Like i was so serious all the time T_T it was even kinda affecting my relationship w slimbo. Like i couldnt be affectionate i was just a robot. All i cared about was working and i was so impatient. As i came off the meds i started to remember how nice it is to just be slow, be in the moment, enjoy simple things with my love, not constantly bound to this gnawing neurosis pushing me to squeeze maximum productivity out of every single second.

like i said , i'm 1 degree cap rising sooo this neurosis is something that exists firmly within my personality, for sure. i mean, if u cant tell, I Be Doing Things lol. And i get very competitive with myself. the dark side of me is that i want to be the best at everything. A big part of my adult life has been learning how to relax. learning how to have fun, learning how to be a little pointless. Without the meds this is a struggle for me so with the meds it was genuinely impossible not to be completely controlled by the rabid impulse to work.

So getting off the meds was a big exercise in confronting my fear of Not being the best. my fear of chilling, my fear of being still & unoccupied. But i did it! And i feel so much better. Like holy shit, i feel SO much better.

By the mid-May i was picking up steam in just being able to live again. a lot of the brainfog & physical heaviness lifted. I was still not very productive at art or music, but i was getting really good at not letting that bug me. spending a lot of time working in the garden, got back into yoga, reading, just doing leisurely stuff that felt expansive to my inner world rather than trying to externalize anything. psychic experiences continued to amplify. became interested in tarot again as i no longer felt i was living in fear of my higher self.

after getting off the pills i began feeling really fixated on the notion of quitting weed. Previously this had been genuinely unthinkable to me. Like, me and weed, we were One, every person i'd ever been as an adult had smoked weed, it was weirdly part of my identity, for 15 years i genuinely believed i could not exist without weed, like i would just lose my fucking mind if i stopped. i did not believe in myself.

But as the psychic experiences progressed i felt strongly that i want to go deeper. Previously i had been afraid to go deeper. In that regard i think i was truly afraid of my own potential. I wasn't ready for it, and that's actually fine. A lot of people aren't.. But as May was coming to a close i knew that i was ready, and actually, it was crucial of me to put an end to this. I was enjoying finally having some sense of peace & joy after how crummy it felt quitting the pills , i didn't really want to disturb that state of being, but i also was having that feeling again that i just need to "get it over with".

So when it struck June 1st i was like yeah fuck it. Let this mark a new beginning. as soon as i realize something is no longer in my best interest its almost impossible for me to keep going with it! like i can't live with myself. I guess that's where my fixation on being "the best" can serve me sometimes. if that makes sense.. Like i willllll always end up putting my foot down and saying NO :T

So yeah. it's recent enough that i don't really feel the need to detail how the first 2 weeks of june were sooooo sucky and emotional and generally dysfunctional. couldn't even read or draw or do any minor tasks i was sooo out of my mind. Not much needs to be said about it. i just had to simply allow time to pass. a lot of days spent in bed crying & dissolving.

right around the 2 week mark we went to missouri & this is when i started noticing myself feeling way way better. the whole time i didn;t even think about weed or my symptoms at all. i was so present in each moment and it was so easy to just feel....alive. also had some intense psychic experiences, one of which i haven;t even talked about on here, and i probably wont because its too sacred. The overarching theme between all the experiences i've been having since late march is that they feel too sacred to tell anyone. The high priestess emphasizes secrecy in some matters..

Which brings us to now, june 21, 21 days w/o weed, 3 weeks. I know that sounds like nothing but this has been 15 YEARS coming. that's half my lifespan so far. and now i just feel fine. i got thru the blues of quitting, all the repressed emotions, im sure they'll still pop up from time to time too. but ultimately i am just so fucking relieved to be free of that shit and like, functioning, able to sleep, not riddled with anxiety and self hatred like i was when i started as a grieving baby teenager.

i guess i wanted to write this to remind myself what a monumental shift i have made in my life in the first half of 2024, and how insanely far i've come in the grand scheme of my life, in a relatively short timespan. because i keep getting this feeling of self doubt where i'm like wait... it's almost july and i've barely completed any tasks, i still havent finished my music, wtf am i doing :( But i dont think i was supposed to finish it until i shed all these habits that were causing major roadblocks in my path!

shed my ex, shed pills, shed weed. shed grief! shed self doubt. emptied my vessel & it has allowed room for so much new life to come through. new forces being channeled. my mediumship abilities now are in focus and taking off at an accelerated rate. for the first time in my life i'm not in survival mode. i feel this is my reward for living through it all when i wanted nothing more than to give up for so many years. i prayed for death, every day, i really did. now i am dead! the old me died. and i carry her memory with honor, i carry on the parts of her that wished to remain and be loved, but she is effectively dead.

for the first time in my life i am really proud of myself. i don't feel so competitive with myself anymore. i don't need to prove myself externally. i do not require any validation of my existence. i can sit with myself without feeling extreme self induced dread & despair. i feel worthy even though i am still (from the outside looking in) at the exact same place i was at 6 months ago.

i'm finally feeling ready to work a little harder again, but not because i'm desperate to gain anything from it. just because it's fun, and fundamentally, as stated above, that drive is a part of my personality, a part of me that i love & cherish. number 1 is the magician. the mage patchouli ~~~ the alchemist. create for the sake of creating.

if anyone read this far, thats wild xD but thats dope too.. I guess one thing i'd like for the future is just to inspire people that you can alchemize the tragedies of your life and all the suffering into something much greater than yourself. You can get through it and be happy with your meager little life one day, even if it takes 30 or 40 years, it's worth it to try & worth it to get here. You do not have to wallow in sadness and self doubt forever, even if u see no way out rn.

i'm happy just being me ^_^ i have so much fun when i'm in my mind. bladee voice ~~be in your mind, be in your mind, be in your mind~~. i love how simple everything feels right now. i love how people & entities can come to me because they trust me to receive their messages & understand them. My own projections do not get in the way anymore. I shed so much. I am free. Happy Strawberry Moon everyone.

SIncerely, PMD9